The Comedian (2016) Movie Script

Excuse me.
Excuse me?
I know you.
Don't I know you?
Hey, hey, hold that door!
You cold? You need something
to warm you up?
No. You know what you can do,
you can burn this whole
down so I don't have to do
this fucking nostalgia night.
Prepare yourself,
it's not as big
a house as they thought.
The weather kept people home.
See the marquee?
It's like
Night of the Living Dead.
I should fire you for this.
Then you'll get a gray hair
in a place you thought
God would be nice enough
to just leave alone.
I'm liking menopause.
Makes me surly.
Jackie B.
Jimmie Walker.
Jackie. Jackie Burke.
Man, thanks for coming.
I really appreciate it.
Thanks for having me.
Hey, look. Small crowd,
but they're very, very lively.
Well, you know,
I can play to one person.
Sometimes I play with myself.
Heh. Jackie.
It's a family audience.
- Good.
- You do one joke
about a gray snatch hair.
So you find the gray hair.
And then he said, " You know
you have to brush this on."
Which, oh, Quelle surprise,
I thought I'd just shake it up
pour it down
till it quit burning,
have a hot apple pie.
It's like I'm an addled girl.
He goes, "You have to sit there
with your legs apart
for a half hour."
"Sweetheart, I'm from Alabama,
how do you think we got
the fence painted?"
That's my proudest joke.
You're the best under fire!
We love you, Grace!
Miss Grace Under Fire,
Miss Brett Butler!
How you doing?
If I ever do one of these
again, shoot me.
Don't worry. I'll do us both
with one bullet.
We got a guy coming on now.
A legend, ladies and gentlemen.
Hickory Dickory Dock,
I got to roll back the clock.
That's right.
Because we are ready
to bring up a young man that
when he was on TV
there was no electricity.
When he was on TV, Little House
on the Prairie was just a shack
ladies and gentlemen.
He is devastating.
What am I getting for this gig?
You get a percentage
of the door.
So that's $11 and a burger.
Your commission's gonna be
a fucking pickle.
Sure. Like always.
The man that you know
from the hit sitcom
Eddie's Home.
Ladies and gentlemen,
let's put our hands together
for Eddie.
Eddie, look.
I carved a pumpkin.
Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
- Arlene, when son decides...
- We love your hair.
To dress up like a ballerina
it's no longer about
Eddie, he's only 11 and a half.
Give him a chance to
find himself.
He needs to explore.
- Arlene. Arlene.
- Explore.
Mr. Jackie Burke
is in the house,
ladies and gentlemen.
You staying?
Yeah. I'll drive you home.
Jackie Burke is here.
Holy cow.
Eddie's home!
Give it up.
Give it up for
JJ "Dyno-fucking-mite" Walker.
He's the living proof that
black might not crack,
but it definitely decomposes.
Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.
I know a lot of you are here
because you love Eddie. Yeah.
Well, I have bad news for you.
- Eddie died.
- Aw.
Yeah. He died a long time ago,
30 years ago
along with my career
and Brett Butler's eggs.
Okay. Enough about me.
Let's talk about this
abortion of a town you live in.
How did they ever come up
with a name like "Hicksville"?
I looked up "Hicksville"
on Wikipedia.
It said "inbreeding"
and "crystal meth."
So why don't you change
your name
to something more pleasant
like Somalia?
But don't worry, Hicksville.
When you grow up,
you, also, can change your name.
I changed my name.
I wasn't always "Jackie."
When I was born, my parents
named me, you know what? Jakov.
Jakov Berkowitz.
Yeah. That's right.
It's that big, girls.
I mean, even the Jewish kids
beat me up
with a name like that.
Uh, can I help you all
with something, huh? Huh?
What's going on here?
Bachelorette party!
Bachelorette party! Oh!
Eight girls sharing one brain.
Who's the lucky girl?
I am.
Don't look so happy, sweetheart.
Right now, your fianc's in a
strip club licking whipped cream
out of some girl's asshole.
Hey, come on, don't get sad.
I'm just breaking your balls.
You're getting married
to one dick
for the rest of your life.
What could be more exciting
than that?
Oh, my God, Jackie.
You shouldn't do marriage jokes.
O.J. Simpson was
a better husband than you.
It's not about you, you selfish
bastard. It's about them.
Keep it light and fun
and positive.
Marriage will suck every speck
of life out of your soul
until there's nothing left
but one big, giant,
festering sore.
Good luck. Heh.
It's not just me. I don't think
humans were meant to be married.
I mean, you want a relationship?
Get a canary, get a fish.
Get a fucking chicken.
Get a dog.
A dog is always happy
to see you.
A dog doesn't judge you.
The dog is just there.
I'm late, my dog's like,
"Hey, Jackie, no big deal."
I forget to feed him, "It's
okay, Jackie. I'm a fat fuck.
"I gotta lose some weight.
It's all right."
I come home smelling like pussy,
and he doesn't get mad.
He just wags his tail
and licks my fingers.
Enough of this "dog" shit!
Come on, do "Eddie."
Not now, pal, please.
Can you help me out?
Yeah. No. I didn't come here
to hear new shit.
- I came to see Eddie.
- Shut up.
Hey, Hodor, shouldn't you be
down at the playground
luring kids into
a windowless van?
Hey, I'm the audience.
You're here to entertain me.
You work for me.
You hear that? I work for him.
All right, boss, how about you
give me an early Christmas bonus
and tongue my balls.
Calm down. You chose this
career, you fucking idiot.
You could've been
a doctor or a lawyer
but you chose to beg
drunken strangers
for love and attention.
Just try to make everyone happy,
so you can go home and jerk off.
Hey, look, man. I don't
wanna fight. Let's be friends.
Can someone do me a favor,
get a drink for this guy
and a bag of oats for his wife.
You getting this, Amy?
I don't want that shit
in our webisode.
Webisode? Your shit? What web...?
What the fuck are you doing?
Welcome to Stand-Up Take Down.
Webisode 19.
What you doing?
Are you taping me?
This is my show, old man.
I'm here to take you down.
Give me that.
No, you give me that mic.
Take me down?
What are you doing?
Wanna go joke to joke with me,
Take your hands off my mic.
You wanna dance? Let's go.
Let go of the mic.
This is my show, buddy.
You getting this, Amy?
This is my show.
You're the joke, old man.
You're the fucking joke.
You want the mic? You want it?
Oh, shit! Baby!
What is wrong with you?
You crazy bastard!
Oh, my God, are you okay?
And I'm here to take you down.
What the fuck are you doing,
my friend?
Give me that goddamn.
No, you give me that mic.
Your Honor,
as you can clearly see,
Mr. Severin grabbed
Mr. Berkowitz first.
Mr. Berkowitz warned Mr. Severin
several times to desist,
and he refused.
Wanna go joke to joke with me?
Let go of the mic.
Let go of the mic.
You're the joke, old man.
Any objection to probation?
With a strong public apology and
substantial community service.
Jakob Berkowitz, please rise.
Jakob Berkowitz,
the court understands
there are mitigating
but nothing excuses
your retaliation.
It is in the judgment
of this court
that you serve 100 hours
of community service.
You will attend
10 anger-management sessions
and you will make an allocution
and an apology.
Do you understand,
Mr. Berkowitz?
Yes, Your Honor.
And in accordance
with this agreement,
are you prepared to change
your plea
from "not guilty" to "guilty"?
Yes, Your Honor.
"I admit to assault and battery
on Mr. Severin.
"I recognize that I acted
in a weak and violent manner
"and I will aggressively
take steps to ensure
"that it will never
happen again.
"I also apologize to the court
and to my fans."
Do you have anything to say
to Mr. Severin?
Yes, Your Honor.
Come on,
he can do better than that.
This is insulting.
I'm hurt.
Excuse me, Your Honor,
but I think the defendant
can do better than that.
Mr. Severin could've suffered
brain damage.
Mr. Berkowitz,
you wanna try that again?
Mr. Berkowitz.
No. Your Honor
there's no way Mr. Severin
could've suffered brain damage
because according to the law,
the way I understand it
it has not been proven in this
courtroom that Mr. Severin,
in fact, has a brain.
Mr. Berkowitz, do not test me
today in my court.
Look at him now, Your Honor.
You can tell by his face.
The look like Donald Trump
banged Alfred E. Neuman
after a night of snorting
Can he say that to me?
Order in the court.
Mr. Berkowitz, that's enough.
Jackie, that's enough.
Let me talk!
All right.
It isn't about me, Your Honor.
It's about the fate of humanity,
which is in your hands.
Look at him.
He's with that woman.
They were together that night.
What if they breed?
Are you serious?
Get him out of here.
Mr. Berkowitz,
you are in contempt.
The people have changed
their mind. No deal.
Take him out of here.
Nassau County Correctional
Facility for 30 days.
Order in the court.
Up the stairs.
All right, gentlemen,
lock it in!
Stop at the top of the landing.
Walk in four feet and stop.
Okay, gentlemen. Ready?
Let's give a warm welcome
to our newest resident.
He's the king of his castle
Eddie's home
Where he's making a scene
Eddie's home
With the kid and Arlene
Eddie's home
Suck my dick, asshole!
You gonna be my bitch.
... or he's gonna
Kick your ass
God, it's freezing. Let me
turn on these seat warmers.
Bet you didn't have those
in there.
I came up with some good
stuff in there.
Smart. Good.
I'd try it out on you,
but you never, you know...
You have no sense of humor.
No, I don't.
I've never seen you laugh.
No, you haven't.
Why is that?
Can you imagine if I had to be
an audience for all my comics?
"You laughed at his joke,
you didn't laugh at mine."
"You think he's funny.
He's not even that funny."
Forget it.
I just react to no one,
that way everybody feels equal.
So you call
that personal management?
Your father, at least,
had affection for his clients.
Well, affection
his clients didn't have for him.
Got you the TV show,
and you fired him.
No, that was a William Morris
package deal.
Your father understood.
Don't talk to me
about affection.
I'm not talking about affection.
I'm talking about getting work.
You gotta stay in New York
to serve out your sentence,
There are no money gigs
for you here.
You can do club work,
$30 a show.
It will take you 7000 shows
just to pay off your attorney.
I will get you Indian Casino,
Princess Cruise
something like that
in a few months.
But as you know,
they are hiring "Eddie."
I mean, I'm...
I'm hot now. I'm viral.
Take advantage of it.
Your father would've known
how to do that.
"Miller the Killer" I'd call him
because your old man would kill
to get me a gig.
Yeah. Yeah. He loved it
when you called him that.
It killed him when you stopped.
Come on.
What are you doing here?
Happy Thanksgiving, baby.
You said you weren't coming.
I flew in last night.
Get in the car.
I'll take you to work.
I'm just gonna take the train.
It's freezing.
Get in the fucking car.
I'm already... No. No.
I'm not gonna take a limo
to the soup kitchen.
I'm not gonna do it.
Goddamn it. Follow us.
Yes, Mr. Schiltz.
Jesus, it's 80 in Boca.
Well, then go home, Dad.
I need you to come back.
That what you wanna hear?
I don't wanna hear anything.
The place doesn't work
the same without you.
Those old people are not happy
because you're not there
to take care of them.
We found something
you're good at.
Why walk away from that?
See. That's what you do.
Don't say things like that.
That's not nice. Don't...
I meant it as a compliment.
It's not a compliment.
How is that a compliment?
You make me seem like
I'm some kind of
problem that needs to be solved.
0Or like I can't figure things...
You are a problem.
I'm not doing this on my block.
But I love you.
That isn't love.
My lawyer worked out
an arrangement with the court,
so you can finish
community service in Florida.
You can't do that without me.
You can't do that without me.
What's in New York for you?
You got cheated on.
You got dumped.
So what?
You got arrested.
So what?
These are not signs of success
in this city.
Go home, Dad.
A week from Monday's my birthday
and you're having dinner
with me.
No ifs, ands or buts.
You got it? Because
You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
You gotta be fucking kidding me.
You make me happy
When skies are gray
Don't sing.
You'll never know, dear
How much I love you
Okay to dinner.
No singing. No more singing.
Please don't take
My sunshine away
And having dinner with me
is not a gift!
I want a gift too!
Here he is.
The prick who came in
from the cold.
Place looks good.
It smells a lot more Jewish
than before.
Heh. Hey, Jay. You know
my famous brother, Jackie Burke?
How you doing?
Hi, Jay.
Probably needs money.
I need to talk to you.
I was right?
Jesus, I was kidding.
So you need money?
No, it's fine. I'm fine.
Just doing my community service
over at the Apostles Mission.
I was in the neighborhood.
Thought I'd say hello.
Community service?
I saw the fucking video.
How could you let a heckler
get to you like that?
It wasn't about the heckling.
It was the goddamn camera.
You know what they were doing?
Trying to use my act
for their show.
Create their show out of my act.
It was crazy.
You looked crazy.
Yeah. So how are you?
I'm good. You?
I'm good. Look,
the only thing is, I...
I lost a lot of gigs
the last four weeks
because of what happened.
And Miller's re-booking them,
but I'm tapped out.
I need a little...
You know what? You got
a lot of fucking nerve.
I don't see you.
I don't hear from you.
It happened so fast.
They take your phone in prison.
I read in Google News
you got arrested.
Like I'm nothing to you.
A lot of naked men.
Am I nothing to you?
I was preoccupied.
Is my family?
- Is that why...?
- Jackie.
Hello, Flo.
How nice to see you.
Nice to see you.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Happy Thanksgiving to you.
We haven't seen you
for how long?
Uh, please.
Well, I was in prison.
Oh, no, long before that.
So nice to see you.
Nice to see you too.
Nice to see you.
How are the kids?
We have one kid.
She's an adult now.
I forgot. Dementia.
Yeah. Yeah.
She's getting married.
Is she?
Brittany's getting married?
I thought she was a dyke.
You say "lesbian," asshole.
Sorry. You're right.
I meant "gay."
They can get married.
You don't have to come.
He doesn't have to come.
We sent you an invitation.
We heard nothing.
I was in prison. I told you.
Before that.
He doesn't have to come
if he's busy.
You don't have to come
if it's too much trouble.
It's not too much trouble.
If it's too much trouble,
don't come.
I don't need the aggravation
if it's trouble for you.
I don't want it
to become a thing.
It's not a thing.
If it's gonna be a thing,
don't bother.
I don't think it's a thing.
It's not a problem.
It's not a thing.
I would love to come.
I'll be there.
It's a week from Sunday.
A week from Sunday?
I will be there.
So you wanna stay and have
Thanksgiving dinner?
Not really.
I have an excuse though,
and I'll tell you what it is.
I'm working at the mission.
Double the hours off
my sentence for Thanksgiving.
God forbid you do it
because it's nice.
I need to speak to you
when you two are finished.
Not in this house.
Oh, she hates me.
No, she doesn't hate you.
She doesn't?
Yeah, I was fucking with you.
Of course she hates you.
You never show up
unless you need something.
That's it?
Sensitive bitch.
None of my wives hated you.
You were never married to any
of them long enough to meet me.
So how much you need?
I don't even remember.
I'm so exhausted.
Pop liked me better.
Daddy did not like you better.
No, he didn't.
No, he didn't.
Five thousand. No big deal.
You know you'll get it back.
"You'll get it back." Yeah,
I'll get it back.
Daddy loved you.
You know that.
He did.
My daughter idolizes
her famous uncle.
You better show up.
And bring a gift.
That's gonna be extra.
Go on.
Growing up, my family celebrated
all the Thanksgiving traditions.
My favorite was
my Uncle Moshit's
telling of
the Thanksgiving story.
Anyway. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy.
Wow, did Duck Dynasty
get canceled?
Chris Rock, what the fuck
are you doing here?
Hey, Chris, I was just telling
my Thanksgiving story.
Uncle Moshit told me that
before the first Thanksgiving
the pilgrims thought
that turkeys were sex objects.
They couldn't fly,
and "gobble-gobble"
was Puritan for "blowjob."
So when the Indians arrived,
right after
the Macy's Day Parade
they brought turkeys
all trussed up.
They were with cranberry sauce
and gravy and potatoes
and the Pilgrims were like...
They were pissed.
They were like,
"What are they doing?
"They're eating
our fuck birds."
But you know, being Puritans,
they don't wanna be rude.
But you know what?
It turned out
that the turkeys
tasted even better
than going down on their wives!
Would you believe that?
That's the truth.
So, what do you think
the Puritans did?
The Puritans stopped fucking
the turkeys
and started fucking
the Indians instead.
That's how we stole
their country
and made the turkey
our national bird.
Supervisor's office?
Uh, there. Yeah.
Up there?
You really are a piece of shit,
you know that, George?
Oh, how is it my fault?
How is this my fault?
I didn't it throw at her.
I threw it at you,
and she stepped in the way.
That's on her.
That's not on me.
Who does that? She does.
Are you still seeing her?
Are you with her?
You're not with her.
You're not with her.
I follow you on Instagram,
you moron.
I see what you're doing.
Fuck you, George.
Well, fuck you, then!
No, fuck you, George.
No. I am taking
the high road right now.
So are we gonna see
each other again,
or is this over for good?
Fuck you.
Goddamn it.
Kevin, you got the keys?
What are you doing?
I'm sorry... I...
Why are you standing there,
listening to a private
I wasn't listening.
It's a private conversation.
I wasn't listening. I was...
You can't eavesdrop
on a private conversation.
I wasn't.
They asked me to come up to
have you sign this for my hours.
You want the supervisor.
That's Bobbi.
She's at the store.
And I'm allowed to be here.
I didn't say you weren't.
There's no cell service here
but don't say anything
to anyone. Okay?
I won't say a thing.
Believe me.
I will not say a thing.
I just don't wanna be
that guy George.
What do you know about George?
He's a piece of shit.
Yeah, he is a piece of shit.
You got that right.
Sounds like it.
I know you, right?
You're Jackie Burke.
I am.
My dad used to love
your TV show.
We've watched every episode.
Always nice to meet a fan.
Yeah. Well,
we just had the one TV.
What's your name?
Harmony Schiltz.
- Harmony Schiltz?
- Mm-hmm.
Were your parents
in a Nazi barbershop quartet?
Heh. Yeah.
It's always nice
to see women laugh.
Once you can make a woman laugh
then you can make her
do anything,
they say. I don't know
if that's true.
Is that what they say?
It's an old saying.
Like a very, very old saying?
Ladies and gentlemen,
we are now beginning the third set
with the terrific Art Blakey
and his Jazz Messengers
from the jazz corner
of the world.
Lee Morgan on trumpet,
Wayne Shorter
on the tenor saxophone
Bobby Timmons on the piano,
Jymie Merritt on the bass.
Soul Brothers on the scene now.
Soul Brothers on the scene now.
Gonna really do a cool one.
Gonna really do a cool one.
How about a nice hand,
everybody, together...
For the one and
only Art Blakey and his Jazz Messengers?
Hey, jailbird, what's up?
Hey, Jackie, how's your asshole?
Can I get you something?
Like a hemorrhoidal donut?
Get Jackie a Chivas
on the rocks.
Buy him a drink,
but you won't book him?
Less risky.
Because he's out of control.
Too much baggage.
On my way up there,
I saw a group of cops,
six of them, on horses.
Can they do real cop stuff?
Because every time I see them,
they're like:
"Easy. Easy.
"Sure, I'll take a picture."
My parents are immigrants.
They're from Taiwan.
Um, they moved to Texas
when I was a baby.
And, um, I think immigration
is fucking crazy.
Can you imagine moving
to a completely foreign country
just so your offspring
would have more opportunities?
Then your kid goes
into stand-up comedy.
I'm Puerto Rican, which means
I'm a Mexican with papers.
I was a teenage-pregnancy case.
That's how we do it
in my family.
We have our babies,
then we get a job,
then we get our periods.
I love New York City, but
there's some attitude here.
A little attitude.
I could never
live anywhere else.
I don't know.
It's a great city,
but, uh, come on
the greatest city in the world?
It's the only place
I've ever been, heh...
"What's that smell?" "Oh, that's
the greatest city in the world."
If the bathroom door's
locked and I got my iPad
you know what I'm doing,
so don't knock please.
It's one of those things.
Breaks the flow.
Like when you're fucking
and the phone rings
and it's your mother.
Like, why are you calling me?
I'm right next to you.
Oh, I just improved that.
I didn't mean to get blue.
Incest, it's the only thing
that gets people back
at 2 a.m.
We like to think RAW TV
is the progressive
alternative to networks.
She lost me when she said,
"We like to think."
Scared to Death
is the most-watched
new show on basic cable.
Carol Bock
will be right with you.
Thank you.
"Raw" meaning half-baked?
No. Raw as in "rough."
You went viral because you beat
the shit out of somebody
that's a plus for them.
Scared to Death.
Maybe I should've
worn my Halloween costume.
Eddie's serving
a 15-year sentence
for beating a heckler to death.
- Where'd that idea come from?
- Guess.
Anyway, he becomes the
convict king of the prison.
He runs everything.
He runs the drugs,
sex, extortion, everything.
Any kind of crime that's in the
prison, he's in control of.
And then the other gang leaders,
the Crips, the Bloods,
the Aryan Nation,
the Mexican Mafia,
they all come to him.
And he's tough,
he's ruthless, but funny.
It's like Breaking Bad
on acid, but funny.
Main thing is...
And pure Jackie Burke.
You'll write?
I'll write the pilot
and I'll punch up
all the scripts.
Our channel's target audience
is 18-24.
He plays to that demo
all the time.
They will eat this up.
You got a title?
Burke on the Block.
I'm open to anything.
You know your audience.
Burke on the Block.
It's funny.
Okay. Great.
I just have to say, Eddie...
God... Sorry.
I mean, Jackie.
It's... No. No worries.
Jackie. I can't believe
I said that.
It's all right. Don't worry.
The idea's delicious.
Your YouTube video,
a lot of hits.
Let me bandy it about
with my posse here.
There's a lot of stuff
to consider.
How much time do you need?
I just have to tell you, Jackie,
you are the reason
I am in television.
In television comedy.
When I was a kid, I remember
laughing so hard at you.
I couldn't wait to grow up.
It is so cool to meet you.
Thank you.
But, listen, the idea
is terrific, and we'll...
Did I hear a "but"?
I thought I heard a "but."
Did we hear a "but"?
There's a lot of butts
sitting here,
but does "but" mean
"Give me some time"?
"Let me think about it"?
"Maybe never"? "Whatever"?
Jackie, "but" is part
of my job description.
But we don't have to go
past "but." It's not necessary.
Time is of the essence.
Not everybody has a lot of time,
especially me "but."
Carol is just explaining
that there's a process...
I know the process.
She's explaining the process.
But the process is
we're not interested, "but."
Thank you, "but."
And I say, so long,
thank you too, "but."
Thanks for coming in.
Thank you.
I will give you a call.
You see her fucking feet
on that table?
Who does she think she is?
I did.
She is a fan who runs
a cable network.
Fucking bitch. Yeah.
She had a neon sign on her
forehead that said "no."
There are new executives
out there.
You have to cultivate them.
They say "no" now,
come back with another idea.
Gonna tap dance for
these fucking idiots
who don't have an ounce
of talent.
They're gonna tell me
what's funny?
Being funny
isn't enough anymore.
Now you're fired.
Jackie! Jackie, come on!
Jackie, please!
It's a little tight on you.
I think you should
get something bigger.
It's the shirt that
makes the man. Right?
You know it.
There you go.
This is you.
This is you.
You're gonna like the way
you look. I guarantee it.
Wait a minute.
You're that guy on TV.
Eddie's Home, right?
How'd you wind up here?
That's a good question.
Here I am. What can I do?
Jail? The slammer?
What happened?
I was and had to
do community service.
Here I am. Stuck.
What am I gonna do?
There you go. See?
You guys are all homeless,
Yeah. Pretty much homeless.
Where are all the bums?
The guys that don't wanna work.
What happens with them?
I'm getting confused.
I want to work
but I don't want any of the jobs
I can actually get.
So I guess you could say, for me
Uh, it's more... Being a bum
is more of a career choice.
- True.
- Gotta do what you gotta do.
That's what I gotta do.
You lie in your own bed,
you sleep in it.
Good advice. I like that.
Where'd you learn that?
An old wives' tale.
Mike, cover for me for a minute.
Aah! Shit.
You keep sneaking up
on me like that.
Why do you keep doing that?
I don't know. It's something
I picked up in prison.
By the way,
I watched that YouTube video
and for what it's worth,
you were absolutely right
to hit that guy in the face
with a microphone.
- Thanks.
- He deserved it.
But my dad's an ex-con,
so I don't know
what kind of judge I am.
How many hours did you get?
A hundred. You?
Two fifty. For what?
Uh, assault.
Me too.
You got a hundred for assault.
Why is that fair?
Why does that make sense?
That makes no sense at all.
Why should a man get less than
a woman? For the same thing.
That makes zero sense.
Not that I mind working here
because I really do love being
here, but that's bullshit.
What'd you do,
get the celebrity discount?
No, they gave me 30 days
in jail.
Next time, don't hit someone
in the head with a microphone.
Yeah. I was provoked.
Well, I was provoked.
I was provoked.
You found him in bed
with somebody?
Yeah. How'd you know?
I've been there. I recognized
the key you were screaming in.
So, what'd you do?
I dislocated his jaw,
Well, what about her?
She put her hand up
to block a very small lamp,
and her wrist broke.
- Oh, okay.
- So.
You know, I'm sorry, I...
I'm sorry I was rude
the other day.
No, I wasn't coming on strong.
I hope you didn't think I was.
I just figured that you
and I are doing time together
so us cons gotta stick together
in a place like this.
Oh, okay.
Goddamn it. Shit.
Okay. Okay.
This is the worst day ever.
This is the shittiest day ever.
I can't catch a fucking break.
Goddamn it.
Shit. I'm sorry.
I don't need... I'm...
You know what?
Let's get a broom.
This is too messy for... We...
It's all right. It's all right.
It's just a bunch of olives.
Hey, look, are you free tonight?
Are you free tonight?
What, like a date? No, I'm not
going on a date with you.
We can call it a date,
or it'll be an appointment,
doesn't matter.
No date. And I'm not
sleeping with you.
That's not what I wanna do.
I'm not asking you
to sleep with me.
I'm asking you to go on an
appointment with me.
Look, you had a terrible day.
You just said it.
Let me take you to a place.
You might have a nice time.
My life is going great
right now,
so I don't know if you think
my life isn't going great
because I am fine.
I'm perfectly fine.
So I don't need you telling me
that my life isn't going great
but if I have time tonight,
I'll check my calendar
and make sure that I have time.
If I do, then maybe I'll go.
Good. So why don't you come?
Well, what time?
After your shift.
All right.
So I'll check and see
if I'm free,
then I'll meet you
upstairs after work.
I'll be outside just like
the other homeless people.
I'll be on the ground
over there.
Wake me up.
Make sure you wake me up.
So I smell like olives.
Don't worry.
Are you gonna help me
clean this up?
If you go with me,
I'll help you clean it up.
You ever notice that all old
Jewish people have the same face
even when they're saying
something positive?
"It's gorgeous outside.
I'm so grateful I'm healthy."
Are you sure you're okay?
You look like shit.
I went to visit
my grandmother recently,
and all these old Jewish women
sit around and play mah-jongg
and all sound like little bees
when they talk.
You know, they hunch over:
Anyway, so I go to find her,
and she's not there
and I go up to her friend Rona
and I said, "Rona, do you know
where my grandmother is?"
She goes "I don't know, darling,
"but I'll let her know
you're looking for her.
Trust fund."
Anyway, so...
I walk away, and
I hear her yell out
in the middle of the card room:
"That's Bee Fobman's
"she's a lesbian magician."
You know what I did?
I fucked her
and made her disappear.
Isn't that amazing?
You guys are awesome.
Don't clap.
It'll never fill the hole.
Look who's here. Oh, my God.
It's Jackie Burke.
Jackie Burke's in the crowd.
That is... I have not seen
you in so long.
Isn't it adorable
when celebrities bring
their hookers to the club?
Isn't that amazing?
Isn't that awesome?
What did he do to get you here?
Uh, ha-ha-ha.
That he would buy me an ass...
Ice-cream cone.
"Ass cream" is amazing.
That's so cute.
I tasted ass cream,
and it is so delicious.
There's all kinds of flavors.
What kind of flavor ass cream
would you get if you...?
You need to be careful
because those sprinkles
will be roofies.
Trust me, I know. I was
very sore after that night.
You're giving
away my secret, Jess.
After everything
I've done for you.
I was there when you were
starting out as a young man.
I always had a
bigger dick though.
I did. Always.
No, you don't.
No, you don't.
Wait, wait. You know what, Jess?
You're right. Your cock is huge.
So I wanna tell you
guys something.
It's so good to see Jackie.
Because Jackie is
really my mentor.
I was opening for him
one night...
I mean, comedy.
I was opening comedy.
Yeah. We did a Jewish
country-club gig.
No. It was Italian.
No. It wasn't Italian.
It was Jewish. They were Jews.
I went in the men's room.
Believe me, it was Italian.
A lot of calzones.
Give him a hand.
He's incredible.
My pleasure.
You suck in bed,
but you're such a great guy
and a great comic.
That was amazing. That was
so much fun. I feel like I'm high.
You were so funny. That was...
You're so much funnier
than Eddie.
You're so quick, and, like,
do you come up with all
that on the spot?
Eh, sometimes. Yeah.
That was good. Thank you.
Are you free on Sunday?
Uh, no. I'm not.
I don't...
No, no. I have a wedding
that I have to go to.
My niece's wedding.
I don't wanna go...
I don't wanna go alone.
I thought, maybe, if you went,
you could be my wingman.
We could have a few laughs.
You're free on Sunday?
What, you have no life?
But you have to do me a favor.
What's that?
My dad's birthday's
on Monday, and...
he asked me for a birthday gift,
and you're it.
Do I have to?
Okay, okay.
Ha-ha-ha. Okay.
That was fun.
I loved that.
Thank you.
I appreciate you doing this.
Remember, this is family.
I need 20 more cases
of champagne.
Ah, Mr. Jackie Burke.
Your brother asked me
to wait for you.
It's already started.
Come on. Hurry.
They haven't done the
glass-breaking yet, have they?
The glass-breaking part
is my favorite part.
The ceremony was an hour ago.
We are about to present
the brides.
Ahem. Uh, nice dress.
Too bad they didn't have it
in your size.
How do you get in and out
of that thing, huh?
None of your business.
Come on.
Everybody, inside.
Inside now.
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's my honor
to present to you the newlyweds.
Spouses for life.
Everybody stand up.
Stand up.
And for their first dance,
they've prepared
something special for you.
Hey, hey, hey, hey
We dream the same thing
We want the same thing
We dream the same thing
We want the same thing
Here is my case
We've got no time to waste
'Cause we want
The same thing
Come on, guys!
We're started a war
But we don't know what for
'Cause we want
The same thing
I know we're different now
Different as night and day
But still want you
I just want you to stay
I want to take this chance
I want to be with you
Hey, you came.
Thank you.
This is my brother,
Jimmy. Harmony.
You never cease to amaze me.
Very nice.
This is my wife, Florence.
This is Harmony,
Jackie's friend.
Thanks for having me. Mm-hmm.
Nice to meet you,
and thank you for coming.
Ah! Uncle Jackie!
Oh, my God, you came.
Uncle Jackie,
this is my wife, Frankie.
Nice to meet you.
Welcome to our family.
You can come meet our friends.
Meet our friends.
Come on. Guys, guys.
This is my Uncle Jackie.
This is such a nice wedding,
and your daughter,
she's beautiful.
Beautiful dress.
And Frankie has a different one.
They're partners, not twins.
Flo, Flo.
Have you known Jackie long?
How did you meet?
I picked him up at
the homeless shelter.
Florence, Florence. Florence.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Come on. You
gotta make us laugh.
Please. That
would be so great.
You're gonna say a few words,
I'm just here as a guest.
Oh, please. Come on.
It would be so great.
Ask your parents.
I don't wanna deal with a...
We don't want it
to become a thing.
He doesn't want to.
He's a guest.
If she's gonna make
a thing out of it,
then it's gonna be a disaster.
No. For me, for me.
You gotta. Please? For us.
Come on. It's my wedding.
Thank you!
Come on, guys.
Come on. Let's go.
No, no.
Oh, come on.
I'm coming down with something.
You're not coming down
with something.
I get nervous up there.
I get dizzy.
To dance?
Come on. Come on.
Come on.
Come on, you. You chicken!
Come on.
No. I don't do physical comedy.
You dance.
I'm gonna take her.
Take her. Don't steal her.
Take me.
Come on. Come on.
Dance with me, beautiful.
Who's the shiksa?
You should be worried, Jackie.
Please. Everyone stand back.
Are you all right?
Are you okay?
Inhale. Exhale.
Hey, let go.
It's not my heart we are worried
about. Get up, you old letch.
Okay. Come on.
Nothing all at, babe
Look into my eyes can't you
See they're open wide?
Would I lie to you, baby
Would I lie to you?
That was fun.
Yeah. Well,
you're having a good time.
You should've done it.
You're not sick.
- Ooh. Little shits.
- Don't push me!
No maternal instinct?
No. My maternal instinct
kicks in when I'm 70.
When you're 70?
Were you ever married?
No. Uh-huh.
Seems very unusual that a girl
like you is not attached.
I've been attached.
It's just never stuck.
You have more questions?
Hi, can I have your attention,
Thank you.
Frankie and I wanna welcome you
- all here tonight.
- We love you, Frankie.
You can't imagine how happy
I am you all came to share
this day with us.
She seems nice.
I don't know her that well.
You may have noticed my uncle,
Jackie Burke, is here.
Some of you may recognize him
as Eddie from Eddie's Home.
But I've known him
my whole life.
I still remember him teaching
me dirty jokes as a kid.
Before I could say "Dada,"
I could say "caca."
He taught me the B word,
the S word,
the F word.
Yeah, all of them.
She already knew the C word.
She picked it up on her own.
But, seriously,
it means so much to me
that he's here today
after way too many years.
So please give a warm welcome
to my Uncle Jackie.
Careful up there.
We're outnumbered.
He'll say a few words.
Jackie Burke!
So happy he came.
Here we go.
Thank you, honey.
You know, it's a...
It's an honor being here
to celebrate Brittany
and Frankie's wedding.
Frankie, right? Not Butch?
How long till the divorce?
Same-sex divorce
is the latest thing, you know?
What the fuck
is this place anyway?
The Titanic?
What is this?
Look at these fucking
These chairs aren't tall enough.
What's this?
And I wanna thank...
Seriously, I wanna thank
Flo and Jimmy for inviting me
to this beautiful occasion.
- Yeah. Thanks for coming.
- Really is.
And all the other family members
many of whom
I thought were dead.
Most of whom hoped I were dead.
Oh, boy. Nobody can fuck
you up like family.
That's for sure.
We're in trouble.
He knows.
You know,
I had a troubled childhood.
My father molested my brother.
Jimmy, I'm just telling
one little story.
Here we go.
Not good.
My father molested
my little brother,
and the bastard
never even touched me.
Never even looked at me.
Do you know what it's like
growing up feeling unwanted?
Knowing that your father
doesn't find you
attractive enough to fondle?
I mean, was it so terrible...?
Would it have been so terrible
if he just played
with my dick a little?
Just stroked it? You know,
wiggled it a little? Something.
He didn't do anything.
I felt terrible.
I was so rejected.
I know we're supposed to
pretend there's nothing wrong
or unusual about this event
just another middle-class
Jewish wedding. Right?
No. Wrong.
So can I address the
800-pound gorilla in the room?
And that would be...
Flo, how did you let
this happen?
Can't be Jimmy's fault.
What have you done
to my poor little brother?
He was 6 feet tall
when you got married.
Oh, and now Brittany.
Oh, no.
You were so concerned
about her growing up
to be a Jewish American
you didn't even notice
that she was turning out to be
a Jewish American prince.
The shame that she brought
all of us...
Will you stop this?
By marrying a non-Jew.
- Well, that's me.
- What did you do, Flo?
God have mercy on you.
I'm gonna fucking kill you
when we get home.
I have my own special gift
to present to the newlyweds.
I've been doing volunteer work
down at the mission,
for the homeless.
He was in jail.
They don't like
to be called "bums" anymore.
And they were so moved
when I told them about
Brittany and Frankie's
reproductive challenges
that they all wanted to help.
So they all got together,
each one
and they all contributed
to making a very significant
a very thoughtful,
a very useful gift:
a pint of semen.
- Thanks, boys. Give them a hand.
- Disgusting.
They've worn theirs out.
Oh, my gosh.
Just stop this.
Uncle Jackie would've added
a dash and a splash of his own
but that would be incest,
heh, and incest,
you know, is even worse
than being gay.
Boos, really?
Flo likes it.
Apparently, Brittany and I share
the same weakness
for wanting to bang beautiful
young women.
And yet she turned out to be
so normal
and I turned out to be
so fucked up.
- How did that happen?
- You got that right.
I don't know.
Maybe it's because
I never met a woman
like Frankie,
and maybe it's because
I never found a love
and happiness
that Brittany and Frankie
have found with each other.
- Mm.
- Aw.
Come on. Let's make a run for it
before they lynch us.
I've never seen anything
like that.
Me neither.
You just can't help yourself,
can you?
This low-life motherfucking
brother of yours.
Takes a dump
at our kid's wedding,
and that's all you're gonna say?
What do you want me to say?
We let him up there.
You know what he does.
Heh, uh, Brittany asked him
to be Jackie Burke,
so I don't know why
you're yelling at him.
Who the fuck are you
to talk to me like that?
Whoa... Flo...
Who invited you
with your no-underwear dress?
- This is not...
- Go. Please.
What the fuck is your problem?
I don't have a problem.
Don't yell at me.
Don't comment on my dress.
Look at your fucking dress.
My dress is beautiful.
It's time to cut the cake.
Fuck you.
Fuck you back.
Fuck you back. Fuck you back.
It's time to cut the cake.
It's time to cut the cake.
You're lucky
I don't get my brothers
to cut your nut sack off
before you hit the tunnel!
What's the problem?
The kids loved it.
Come on. Let me at him.
Come on. Let me at him.
Stupid bitch!
You're the mother...
Oh, shut up!
Let me go.
I'll see you again,
in hell, motherfucker!
You are a beast!
Okay. Just calm down.
"You're lucky my brothers
don't cut your nut sack off
"before you get to the tunnel."
She's a nut case.
She's amazing. I love her.
That's what I get
for doing something nice
for my brother's kid.
That was so much fun.
Tomorrow night's your turn.
Thanks for doing this.
No problem.
You okay?
You look beautiful.
You know this joint's famous.
In '85, Big Paulie Castellano
got whacked right here
on this sidewalk.
Yeah. Paulie was a friend
of my dad's.
I'm taking you with me.
That's him right there.
Oh, you're with Mr. Schiltz.
Oh, my God, are you kidding me?
Is this who I think it is?
Is it Eddie?
I think it's Eddie,
but it's Jackie.
It's Eddie. My baby.
Boy, you did it this time.
What a birthday surprise.
Thank you.
Thank you, Eddie,
for all the countless
laughs. Thank you.
Happy birthday.
And I just wanna...
It's Jackie, by the way.
I've enjoyed you so much.
Look at that punim.
Look at it.
In fact, so much, I can do you.
I can.
You can?
Did she tell you?
No. No.
Yeah. He can do you.
I've been doing you
in the bathroom
and at parties for decades.
You must have
a better manager than I do.
Sit. Sit.
Gino. Ring the register.
Eddie's here.
Copy that, Mr. Schiltz.
Jesus, I don't believe this.
What a birthday present.
What are you drinking?
Chivas on the rocks.
For you?
My baby drinks martinis.
How about giving us one big
"Arlene, where are you?"
Do it. Come on.
Dad. No.
Do I have to?
Yeah. For my birthday.
Come on. Please.
Come on.
I don't wanna do it.
Come on. Once.
Dad, don't.
Hey, I don't expect anyone
to work for free.
No, no, no.
No, what are you doing? No.
Sorry. No.
Put it away. Don't do that.
Put what?
No. You misunderstand.
Eddie, I don't mean to
embarrass you.
I'll tell you what.
Let me do it.
Let me do you.
I got you down.
I'll pay you not to.
That's funny
but you don't wanna get into
a pissing contest
with me about money.
Come on, let's have some fun.
This is me respecting you.
You're my favorite.
"Arlene, whose vibrator,
heh, is this?
"Did you take the batteries out
of the smoke alarm again?"
Okay. Show's over.
Thank you.
Cheers. Happy birthday.
Happy birthday, Mac.
Thank you, Eddie.
- Jackie.
- Mm.
How was my timing?
Give me some input.
Aah! Whoo!
I thought you were me
for a second.
Try doing it while drinking
a glass of water.
- Have a drink.
- God, you were great.
- You were great.
- Drink some more.
It'll make it easier. Heh.
So how did you two meet?
We do our community
service together
down at the Apostle Soup
Oh. Right.
You don't have
to worry about that anymore.
I got them to transfer
your hours to Florida.
I thought we talked about that.
Because I'm not sure
if I wanna go back.
But you don't know
where you wanna go.
She's always been such
a mamzer. Aah!
I'm at the table.
I'm still sitting here.
Here at the table.
It's done. I chartered a plane.
We're leaving tomorrow.
Noon. Teterboro.
What's in Florida?
I own this retirement community
in Delray Beach.
We help the elderly to live out
their lives with some dignity.
I'd like to pass through
this dinner with some dignity.
She's great with the old people.
She's got a magic touch.
Well, she's a wonderful person.
It's okay, honey.
When you come back from Florida,
we'll find our place to live.
We're moving in together.
Is it okay if I call you "Dad"?
You're a funny man,
but this is my daughter.
Yeah, I know.
Every daughter has a mother
every mother has a daughter.
The girl that left before
probably has a grandmother
or a grandfather.
Harmony's my daughter.
She's not the punch line
for somebody's jokes.
And when you look at my daughter
and the way she's looking
at you...
I'm not.
What are you talking about?
I wanna know your expectations.
My expectations?
To fuck her brains out.
After that, we'll see.
You know,
I'm a sucker for an honest man.
And I'm a sucker for a girl
that has daddy issues.
So you go to the bar,
and I'll meet you there
in a minute.
Sure. It's been
a terrific crowd.
Nice to meet you, Pops.
Happy birthday.
Don't tell me you're
interested in that schmuck.
Okay. If you had
listened at all
and shut your mouth
for one second,
you would know that I wasn't
interested in him at all.
But you don't ever shut up.
You don't ever shut up.
You're unbelievable.
Where are you going?
Unbelievable. I'm leaving.
Wait a second.
Wait a second.
He's an asshole. Let him go.
You are.
I'll take care of him.
You're not gonna
take care of him. No.
You're being the asshole.
Don't embarrass me like
that in front of people.
That's humiliating.
I humiliated you?
That was humiliating.
Don't talk about me like
that in front of people.
- Where's your self-respect?
- I have self-respect.
I am not doing this in
a restaurant with you.
I'll see you at Teterboro.
Happy birthday.
Ah, come on.
I need about 10 drinks.
- That was good.
- Was that good?
That was good. Very good.
You should've seen the look
on your face when Mac said,
"Arlene... Arl..."
Wait. Wait.
- Uh, wait. What?
- Arlene.
Wow. This is nice.
If you don't get murdered on
the street before you get in.
Heh, they're artists.
Not murderers.
You want some bourbon?
Sure. Sure.
I think these artists got guns.
Sure you wanna leave?
I have to.
I'm on parole.
I can't fight my dad
and his expensive lawyer.
I don't have that kind of money.
I'm moving to
the Sunshine State.
You want some?
Make it a double.
I'm gonna be up all night
packing all this stuff.
Why pack now?
Relax. Here.
I mean, I think Florida
will be good.
I love working
with the elderly people.
They like me,
and I'm good at it.
And it seems like Florida
has a lot to offer.
Yeah. Like what?
Besides skin cancer.
You know what I loved?
I loved that you pissed off
Mac tonight. That was great.
He's a difficult person.
I can see that. I mean...
But you gotta tell him back.
You gotta talk back to him.
Talk back to him?
Yeah. Talk back.
And say?
You gotta say:
"Dad, don't talk to me that way.
"Stop this.
Stop being crazy."
Yeah. Right.
He'll listen
and respect you.
No, he won't.
He might be upset,
but he'll respect you.
Can you imagine?
Yeah. He's a good listener.
And your mother?
My mother, she...
My mother...
Ahem, this is a true story.
My mother, when I was 4,
went to the market
and then she never came home.
Really, she never came home?
Never came home.
And Mac never explained
what happened.
I don't...
Why would she do that?
You were 4 years old.
And, you know,
it wasn't your fault.
Well, she was married
to your father.
I met the guy for
15, 20 minutes,
and I wanted to leave.
You think that's why
she didn't come back?
Well, I know that's why.
Heh, maybe.
I mean, your father's a prick,
but at the same time,
your father's there.
You know, I...
When I was a lot younger, I was
not around a lot,
and I wasn't there for my son.
You had a son?
Well, I had one son,
and he died. He passed away.
Hmm, I'm sorry.
Ah, it was an overdose.
His mother and I
weren't there for him.
It was a toxic relationship.
I was always on the road.
Probably avoiding
the whole situation.
I was young.
I was stupid.
I can't give an excuse.
I have no reason to say anything
except that I was wrong.
And I didn't accept
the responsibility.
I didn't do
what I should've done.
You know? And what do I do?
I make jokes about it.
I'm a comedian.
I make a joke about
horrible "mother-wife"
How do you...?
What do you mean?
Well, I tell
these fucking jokes.
You know, these horrible
my-wife-is-a-bitch jokes.
What's a horrible
mother and wife?
No. I don't wanna do it.
Why not? Why not? Come on.
Wait. What? Tell me. Here.
Come on. Okay. Stand up.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Jackie Burke.
Okay. Go.
Okay. What do you
want me to do?
What do you wanna do?
You know what I wanna do.
So, what do I have to do
to get what I wanna do?
I don't know.
It depends how funny you are.
Ladies and gentlemen,
did you hear about
the daddy's girl
who had sex with
a 67-year-old comedian?
Are you only 67?
I thought you were 70.
No. No,
but I do wear a diaper.
Oh, cute. That's sexy.
Can you help me change it?
Come sit down.
Come here.
I got out of that one.
This is not what I wanna
be doing. Stand-up tonight.
You're really good.
You're really funny,
and you're really cute.
This is just something
I wanna do. Okay?
It doesn't mean anything.
It doesn't? Oh.
Well, then you have to be gentle
because it's my first time.
And you're not gonna
spend the night.
I'm not?
What am I supposed to do,
leave my dick here
and pick it up in the morning?
Chow mein?
Fuck you.
"Fuck you."
That's good too.
Hold it. Thank you.
Good afternoon, Friar Crystal.
Good to see you.
Nice to see you.
Jackie. You're out.
I'm out, heh.
Yeah. Good, heh.
Oh, uh...
Must've been strange, huh?
Maximum security, I'm guessing.
Kind of.
You're blushing.
I found love.
He's a lucky guy.
All that rain must be tough
on your ankle bracelet, huh?
I'm just kidding.
I'm glad you're out.
I'm glad you're doing okay.
Take care of yourself. Yeah.
You too.
Work that jab.
Yeah. Right, asshole.
What a schmuck.
Hey, look who's here.
Hey, look who it is.
It's Jackie boy.
It's the man.
You still funny?
No. I'm doing
your jokes now, Dick.
I heard you're having
a rough time.
Anything we can do, we're here.
I appreciate that, D'Angelo.
Sure, if I need syphilis,
I'll let you know.
We still holding a grudge?
No. Are you still
doing my jokes, Dick?
Only the good bits.
Good. Because I'm still
doing your ex-wife.
Some things never change.
Chivas on the rocks, drop of
water for Mr. Burke, please.
I thought I fired you.
I've got a possible gig.
What do I have to do,
dress up as Eddie for
a children's birthday party?
Do you want a job,
or do you want to be asshole?
Do I have to choose?
So I'm the treasurer here.
We had a big meeting last night.
We're having a tribute
for May Conner February 1st.
It's gonna be a big event.
TV special.
Network thinks they're gonna
pull 7 million viewers.
May Conner.
Love her.
So D'Angelo is responsible
for the programming.
He's calling all the shots.
And as of right now,
it's overbooked.
Is Billy doing it?
He's not available.
We're hoping that changes.
And if that changes,
it's not overbooked for him.
No. Billy Crystal
is royalty.
You are not even a member
anymore, Jackie.
You can't show up
every once in a while
and expect to be on the dais.
You have got to rejoin.
Kiss the ring, please.
Just this once.
What a fucking shit
world this is.
Hey, Dick, do you have a minute?
Okay. Okay.
Listen, I want a good spot
on the rotation.
I don't wanna go after him.
This fuck will steal
every joke I have.
You want a spot
on May's tribute?
Yeah. Miller mentioned it.
I'd be honored to do it.
She's a barely-living legend.
Funny. Well, I'm not
saying for sure
it's overbooked now,
but, uh, anything is possible.
Pretty please, Dick?
Miller told me you're
thinking about rejoining.
If you did,
that would go a long way,
but since I'm also head of
the membership committee,
I need to ask you
a serious question.
Is your parole officer
joining the club with you?
Because I can get you
a couple's membership.
You did good. That wasn't
so bad now, was it?
I need a power wash.
Hi, it's Harmony.
Leave a message.
Hey, Harmony,
how are you? It's me.
Everything okay?
I haven't heard from you.
The boys at the mission
are asking about you.
Tell Mac I said, "Arlene".
Okay. Get back to me.
Ms. Conner, how many
husbands did you really have?
Husbands? I can't remember.
Were there five of them
or seven?
Okay, everybody, we're
gonna take five. Thank you.
Can we take a break with
the pictures? I need a martini.
May. Jackie Burke.
- Hey, kid.
- How you doing?
What an honor it is to be
ripping you a new one
in the name of such
a worthy cause.
You mind if I smoke?
I don't care if you burn.
I always loved that line.
I loved Gleason.
Oh, Gleason loved me.
He loved my tits.
Oh. We all loved
your tits.
May, I don't think
you can smoke inside.
I'm 95. If I wanna smoke
or piss on the sidewalk
or say the N word,
I'm fucking gonna do it.
The world today,
so goddamn serious
about everything.
Exactly. Exactly.
I'm going to the bar. Okay?
What do you want?
Martini, one olive, like always?
God bless you.
Who was that?
All right, everyone. Let's
salute our honored guest.
May? May, listen to me,
Uh, I'm your friend.
It's over.
You're finished. Finito.
Your movies are on
the History channel.
And your movies?
What movies?
You aren't in any movies.
You tell him, May!
All joking aside...
Oh, what jokes?
She told you, Dick.
Hey, go get them, May.
You, truly, are one of
the greatest talents
in this business.
What can I say?
You're a barely-living legend.
I mean...
I mean, quite honestly,
I'm amazed you're
still sitting up.
Okay. That's enough, Dick.
Wake up, people.
The "whatever-happened-to"
portion of the evening
is officially over.
Go back to sleep.
Go to hell.
Or do you need your parole
officer's permission?
"Parole officer" this.
Come on,
get the fuck out of here.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome back
to the Friars Club,
Jackie Burke,
also known as Eddie,
also known as prisoner
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
I did a little time.
But my 30 days is nothing
compared to the hard time
you just served listening
to this guy, D'Angelo.
Give him a hand.
Now let's get to the main event.
Looking great, May!
Yeah, May.
Oh, May.
We've heard a lot about your
many accomplishments tonight
but no one's really talked about
how tough it was for you
starting out.
It was tough.
It was tough.
You tell me about it.
I know how tough it was.
- Tell me about it.
- All right.
Today, you can get by
just by blowing the director.
But, God, when I think of
the things that you had to do.
I did.
But whatever you did worked
because you played
some of the most iconic
roles in the history of film.
And I, Jackie Burke,
was with you all the way.
All the way
All the way
When you played the title role
in The Battleship Potemkin,
I was one of the sailors
you took on.
Remember me?
I came in your porthole.
Then we were reunited.
Who could ever forget
when we were together
in the original
Poseidon Adventure?
You as the Poseidon.
Me as the cabin boy.
You were the cabin boy.
You know. You remember.
Remember my audition?
Yes, and you got the part.
And I went down with the ship.
Yes, May Conner,
you chewed a lot of scenery
in your time.
I certainly did.
And swallowed.
philanthropist, Oscar winner,
and record holder for
fucking more young boys
than the entire Los Angeles
You are really something.
Jackie. Stop.
It's okay, May.
It's okay.
Don't worry.
D'Angelo's not coming back.
He's just touching you now,
but he's gonna go away.
Seriously, May?
An orgasm now?
What's happening?
- Oh, my God.
- Is she all right?
May, you okay?
- Give her some water.
- No, no, no.
Get a doctor.
Somebody do something.
I'm not sure if this is...
Is there a doctor in the house?
Seriously. We need a doctor.
Come up here immediately.
- Don't block these aisles.
- Call a medic!
Stay in your places.
Get her back. Get her back.
Somebody, aspirin.
Get some aspirin.
Get the defibrillator!
Wow, you killed.
Should someone call 911?
I didn't get to my best stuff.
Three-time Oscar winner
and six-time Emmy winner,
May Conner, suffered
a fatal heart attack
on stage at 11:00 tonight
at the Edison Ballroom.
The 95-year-old Conner
was taken by ambulance
to Mt. Sinai Hospital
where she was pronounced
dead on arrival.
The legendary
was the honoree at tonight's
Friars Club Tribute.
New York One's Jaime Puckett
was there and spoke afterward
with Friars Abbot Dick D'Angelo.
We lost a great one
tonight. I'm, uh,
May and I were more than just...
Fans all over the world
will be mourning.
She was, truly,
America's Queen of Comedy.
Family members requested
that the Friars
cancel the broadcast
and, of course, we agreed.
So nothing in New York.
Nothing in the tristate area.
We have three offers
for appearances.
In Wisconsin
is a Democratic fundraiser.
Wisconsin in February?
Then a three-day master-comedy
class seminar at SOAS College.
What's SOAS College?
It's in London.
The last one you're not gonna
like but it pays the most.
It's a television-classics
autograph convention
in West Palm Beach doing Eddie.
What are the Democrats paying?
Three thousand, plus expenses.
The Republicans would pay
a lot more,
but who wants to do it for them?
So, what about London?
Five thousand,
but you pay for your ticket.
What about Florida?
Twenty-five thousand,
plus expenses.
I gotta take that.
For you.
Hey, here's your number seven.
Hold the Russian dressing.
What are you doing after work?
She deserted you?
No, she's gonna come back.
Cool it, Casanova.
Mrs. Berkowitz...
- Excuse me?
- I'll get the number seven.
You got 30 days, I got life.
Does she know?
About the money?
Gonna take a while
to pay you back.
No. She knows,
and we both agree,
we don't want you
to pay us back.
What does that mean?
You can't...
What it means is I don't
have to do this anymore.
You understand?
I'm through with this.
I'm done with this.
You don't come back anymore
and ask for anything ever again.
What are you so mad about?
I'm not mad.
But people don't change.
People never change.
They are what they are,
and that's that.
What is this?
You see how it is with her?
Like, you've become a thing.
Oh, I'm a thing now?
You're a thing, I can't take it,
I can't do it anymore.
I can't take the aggravation.
I don't know what to say.
I'm so fucking aggravated.
I'm trying to get
something going here.
By the way, I thought you killed
at the wedding. You killed.
You smashed. You knocked it
out of the park.
It was... I had fun doing it.
Brittany loved it.
She was never happier.
Oh, good.
Well, that's good.
That's what it's all
about, for her?
If you're ever playing
anywhere, you let me know.
I'll come, we'll have a beer.
Okay. That, I appreciate.
See you.
I'll call you tomorrow.
So, what's it gonna be?
Wisconsin, London or Florida?
Wow, what a beautiful audience.
I wanna say before we start,
I've been looking forward
to this performance
more than any other
because being here with you
makes me feel alive.
Somebody hold me
Too close
Sing along
if you know the words.
Somebody hurt me
Too deep
Somebody sit in my chair
Chair, heh.
And put me to sleep
And make me aware
Of being alive
Being alive
Somebody need me too much
Somebody know me too well
Somebody pull me up short
And put me through hell
And give me support
For being alive
Make me alive
Make me confused
What is that?
Look who's here.
The laugh-a-minute.
What the fuck
are you doing here?
I just came by to say hello.
Passing through.
Oh, could you say goodbye?
Ah, just calm down.
It's okay. I'm just visiting.
Don't let the door hit you
in the ass on the way out.
Eddie. Is that you?
Aren't you Eddie
from Eddie's Home?
I'm such a fan of yours.
No. No. It's okay.
Oh, I love it. I just love you.
Thank you!
Oh, thank you so much.
Thank you so, so much.
- That was sweet.
- Thank you so, so much.
- Thank you so much. You know...
- It's nice.
It isn't often enough
that we take the time
to hear the stories and listen
to the wisdom of our elders.
So I wanna come down
and get to know
some of you wonderful people.
Let's start with you,
young lady.
What's your name?
Hello, Adele. Tell us
a little about yourself.
Uh, I was a gym teacher
for 42 years.
- Oh, my God. I can't believe it.
- Gym teacher.
- I'm gonna tell everybody.
- You look terrific.
See him? Eddie.
Why are you here?
What do you mean?
What are you doing here?
I'm here.
I just told your father.
What, is Alzheimer's contagious?
Your punch lines
for us are over.
Can you give us a sec?
Oh, thank you.
Thank you so, so much.
Let's go over here.
What's your name, miss?
- Look. Look who's there.
- I am Miriam.
Huh? Heh.
Well, I was a dancer.
I was on Broadway once.
Heh, Broadway star.
What's new, Esther?
I can't believe Eddie's here.
Can I have your autograph?
Why did you show up
without calling?
Well, I didn't.
I called you before
and you never answered me.
You never got back to me once.
I thought I'd come say hello
since I was down here.
Go out there, big shot.
They want you.
I'm not fucking going
out there. You go.
Come on. You're an entertainer.
Give them what they want.
Come on.
You do it, buddy.
You go up and do it.
Yeah, but you can't
just show up here.
I just came here for business.
A convention.
You had a convention?
I'm going to a convention.
Ahem, you're just...
Well, you should've
called and not...
What's wrong?
Nothing's wrong.
After I left those messages,
so many messages,
you didn't call me once.
I texted you, you didn't
answer the text.
No. Really,
I've just been so busy.
Okay. I understand that,
but I'm here now.
Thought I'd take you to dinner.
How about tomorrow night?
That's fine. Just call
before you show up like that.
Okay. Let's have a
hand for Devin O'Connor.
Thank you.
Good job, honey.
Great performance.
Folks, I've got a really
big surprise for you now.
Just in from New York...
Oh, no.
Television star...
This guy.
And personal friend,
Eddie from Eddie's Home.
That's right.
Eddie from Eddie's Home.
Don't go out there. No.
This is not your crowd.
They don't like comedy.
Let's bring him up here.
If you want to, you can,
but it's not a good idea.
Now your father's
my best friend.
Yes. Can you believe it?
Thank you. Thank you.
Happy to be here.
Happy to be here. And I wanna
thank my new best friend,
Mac Schiltz.
Only he knows how close
we really are.
Okay, Miriam, you're a dancer?
Come sit on my lap.
I'll spin you around
like a dreidel.
That was a Jewish joke.
My mother was a dancer.
She worked
at a gentleman's club.
She was a lap dancer.
You imagine how hard
it was for me to nurse?
Is that supposed to be funny?
It was supposed to be funny.
- You didn't like that?
- Well...
Would you like
me to do it another way?
Like that?
That's not funny to you?
What kind of dancer were you?
I was a chorus girl.
A chorus girl.
I always wanted to bang
a chorus girl.
Join the club.
Oh, good comeback.
You're a good sport, Miriam.
I like that.
Let's do a threesome,
me, you and Adele.
How about that?
She was a gym teacher,
so she'll do all
the heavy lifting.
Probably a dyke.
That doesn't matter.
What's with these guys here?
What's this group?
You look like a street
gang or something.
Yeah. That's us.
What's your name?
With a name like that,
you must have got laid a lot.
I recognize you.
I remember.
I see you prowling all
the discos and clubs here.
There's a lot of them in this
part of the world. Good for you.
What about your porn?
You guys have a porn collection?
Who's got the best pussy shots?
Now listen, I'm curious.
Are you a breast man or tit man?
Leg man? Ass man?
Whatever else?
Have you met Adele,
the gym teacher?
Oh, yeah.
I know you two must have
been fucking each other
for a couple of years.
She used to be able
to climb up a rope
with just her ass.
Oh, no.
Adele, I found a live one.
I think he's alive, hold on.
Yeah. He's alive.
Still ticking.
Where you going?
Hey, hey, fellow.
Rip Van Winkle.
My name is Benjamin.
I gotta go to the bathroom.
what do you have to do,
number one or number two?
Uh-oh. Heh.
- Number three.
- Oh, heh.
Number three?
Wow, Number three.
The big Mac Schiltz special.
Are you sure? I think you
already did something there.
You know, I...
Looks like you did
number six there.
Jesus, or maybe
it's up to eight.
Okay. I see you all like
bathroom humor
which is good because
that's what I like.
We're all thinking alike.
Look, I'm gonna do a song,
and I'm gonna change
the lyrics slightly.
So I think we'll have a little
fun with that. It's called...
Well, you've all heard
the song "Makin' Whoopee"?
So I'm just gonna
change it a little,
and when I point to you,
you go, "Not making poopie."
- Can we do that?
- Okay.
One, two, three.
Let's try it now:
Not makin' poopie
Okay. One more time.
Come on, you guys sound
like you need a little coke
to get you going.
One more time, one, two, three:
Not makin' poopie
Yeah! Okay. Great.
Here we go.
Here it goes.
Another fear
Another year
Another enema
In your rear
Not makin'
Pee pee is fine
Except if it leaks
What'd you expect
From elderly freaks?
It's so abusive
Stools are elusive
Not makin'
Whoopee, not "poopie."
We're doing "poopie" here.
I am not.
All right.
We've got a killjoy
in the house.
You're on the toilet
From 9 to 5
Holy shit
It's good to be alive
It's all a breeze now
But please don't sneeze now
You're making poopie
Big finish.
Not being loopy
Better than whoopee
Everybody now.
I'm making poopie
Poopie. Poopie.
Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.
Well, I hope
nobody was offended here.
It was all in good fun.
In about 20 years,
we're all gonna be dead,
so let's celebrate while we can.
Thanks for coming.
I feel like I'm looking
at myself in a mirror.
What's your name?
Are you still friends
with the other actors,
Arlene and your son?
No. They all died.
Boy, they were funny.
Funny. Funny. She was funny.
He was funny.
Very funny.
Can I ask you something?
Do you still think the show
is funny after all these years?
Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes but it
wasn't always about the laughs.
Um, Eddie could say
the craziest things.
I think that's what
I liked most.
Oh. Can I just get one
"Hey, Arlene" for my wife?
Just one?
Heh, yeah. Sure.
"Arlene, Eddie's home!
I'm gonna kill the whole
fucking family!
Me, you and our little
fruitcake son!"
Oh, my God.
How's that?
That's what I'm talking about.
You liked that?
Thanks for being Eddie.
Hey, you ready?
Um, ah, I actually don't
feel very good.
Um, I was thinking about
staying in tonight.
You all right?
Can I come in?
For a minute?
You look nice.
Thanks. You too.
Heh, no, I don't.
Is everything okay?
Yeah, because we had...
We had such a good time,
and now everything
feels a little...
A little off.
I mean, do you have a boyfriend
or somebody you're seeing?
No. Um...
Something that I did?
No, no, no.
um, I'm pregnant.
Hmm. You're pregnant.
Is it, uh...?
So, uh...? It's me, you mean?
Yeah, heh. I know.
You sure?
I mean, the timing's right,
and I haven't been with
anyone else, so...
You haven't been
with anyone else?
You gotta be honest with me.
Can you blame me?
I gotta ask you.
I mean, I have to.
I've gotta make sure
that it's my child.
Okay. Um...
It's yours.
Believe me, I'm as surprised
as you are. I'm not...
No. You're not
as shocked as I am.
Yeah, I am.
No, you're not.
Wow. Um...
You know,
I wasn't gonna do this,
and I made the appointment
at the clinic
and I drove myself down there,
and I couldn't
get out of the car.
It was the weirdest thing.
I just kept thinking about
the talk that we had
and talking
about my mom and I...
You know, I felt like I couldn't
make this baby feel
unwanted the way I was.
And I just...
I feel like I'm never gonna
have this opportunity again,
you know,
and so I'm gonna give it a shot
and I'm excited.
So I have nothing to say
about this?
What do you have to say?
Well, maybe I don't wanna
be a father again.
Okay. Well, you don't
have to be a father.
Nobody's asking you.
But I'm gonna be the father
and I'm gonna be
an older father, which
I don't expect you to
understand, but I am.
I can't even guarantee how long
I'll be around for the child.
I'm, uh...
Actually, it's me having
the baby, not you,
and so you are,
like I said, off the hook.
I'm not off the hook. I'm sorry.
I'm not off the hook.
Okay. I'm not asking you.
I'm not off the hook.
I'm the father
and you're telling me
that I'm off the hook?
No. This is...
You can't just decide
this on your own.
Doesn't work that way.
I can.
It does affect me.
And I just did decide.
Thank you.
Yes. I did decide this.
It affects me.
No. It doesn't.
It doesn't affect you.
It does.
You have nothing to do with it.
You have the baby,
it doesn't affect me?
You're not giving me any choice.
Okay, well...
You did have a choice!
You just said you didn't
wanna be a father.
I didn't say...
I said, I don't know
if I wanna be a father again.
That's fine.
I don't want you to be!
I don't need you to be!
If this hadn't happened,
I'd run into you in five years.
You'd be with a little kid.
You gonna tell me, "By the
way, this is your child"?
You didn't want anything
to do with it!
Pregnant with my child
and you wouldn't tell me.
So fucking what?
There you go!
So fucking what?
"Fuck you. I'll have the child."
You should get that.
This is...
Ah, fuck. Fuck this.
This is fucking crazy.
Miller, I'm busy. I don't wanna
talk business when I'm here.
No. I don't wanna talk
to you right now.
Miller, what is it?
What do you wanna...?
Goddamn it. Ugh!
I don't have time to talk
right now. What is it?
You're viral again.
Yeah. Something about "poopie"?
And a bunch of retirees?
Holy shit
I'm makin'
I'm makin' poopie
I'm makin'
I'm makin' shit
I'm makin'
I'm makin' poopie
Over three million views
in eight hours,
and it is still climbing.
You are on Kimmel.
You're on Fallon.
So I got a call from
Carol Bock from RAW TV.
Carol Bock. What the fuck
does she want?
She needs a host
for a reality-show pilot.
It shoots on Monday in New York.
Monday, uh...
So soon?
They had D'Angelo signed.
He had to drop out
at the last minute.
Of course.
He's got a better manager.
No, he got pancreatic cancer.
Ah, timing is everything, heh.
Cancer. Who'd he steal that
from? Okay. I'm coming.
All right.
Don't leave me hanging.
Yeah. I said, I'm coming!
I'm making poopie
It's good to be alive
Makin' shit
I'm makin'
I'm makin'
I'm makin' shit
Well, well.
Hey, Mac.
What have we here?
The comedian slithering out?
Look, I got a gig in New York.
It's important.
Let me tell you something.
Back in the day,
when I was making book,
I knew who was gonna lose
and who was gonna win.
I had an instinct.
The losers,
I'd deposit their money
before the race ran.
You, my friend,
are money in the bank.
Okay. So now you're saying
I'm a loser?
Get the fuck out of here.
Hey, you know, I hear
you're gonna be a grandpa.
Wow. Congratulations.
That's exciting.
Just don't be surprised
if the kid comes out of the womb
with a mic, doing dick jokes.
You know what I mean?
See you at the bris.
Look around.
There's people everywhere.
"Arlene." Why don't you
work on that?
Because it really sucked
the way you did it.
That's how you do it, schmuck.
Get it right next time.
Work on it.
"Arlene. Arlene.
From New York City, RAW TV,
the game-changer
in innovative television
brings you Say Uncle,
a new experiment in jeopardy
starring the king of shock
comedians, Jackie Burke.
Hello, everybody.
Welcome to Say Uncle.
I'm your host, Jackie Burke.
Each week on Say Uncle,
we find out
if you have what it takes
to take the pain
and win cash and prizes,
or will you say uncle
and go home empty-handed,
disappointing your family
and crushing your dreams?
Our first contestant
is Mark Chapel
from Brookline, Massachusetts.
How you doing today, Mark?
Hi. Great.
This week, we take you
to bayou country
where it's man against nature.
Or in this case, Mark against
hundreds of pissed-off crawfish.
Look what we have for you, Mark.
A couple of nice ones.
Here we go. Oh, yeah.
No, no, no. Got you.
These pincers can inflict
a lot of pain and damage.
You sure you're up
to this, Mark?
Bring it on, Uncle Jackie.
Right now, our two bayou babes,
each married to close relatives
are helping Mark
into a swamp pirogue.
That was my idea.
The crawfish.
The crawfish and the bayou
babes. That was me.
Don't forget,
if you last two minutes
with these hungry crawfish,
you'll win
this new hybrid car,
a Caribbean vacation for you
and your entire family
and $10,000 in cash!
We got it.
Are you sure you're ready
for the bayou challenge, Mark?
Yes, Uncle Jackie.
Okay. Let's start
the clock.
Crawfish, it's dinnertime.
That doesn't look so bad to me.
I've stayed in worse motels.
Though I have to say, these
bedbugs are on the large size.
Even by New York standards.
Bayou babes,
bring in reinforcements.
Wow, I thought
having crabs was bad.
I'm not as much of
a man as you are, Mark.
I've gotta hand it to you.
You got a lot of chutzpah
and a lot of balls.
I think one bit me.
Oh, first bite. Let's hope those
other mudbugs don't catch on.
Twenty-four seconds, Mark.
Hang in there.
Hang in there.
Think of the cash,
the money, the vacation.
You can do it.
You're gonna make it.
He's never gonna make it.
You're almost there, Mark.
Keep it going.
Think of the money.
Uncle! Uncle!
Oh! Oh!
You're a disappointment, Mark.
You okay? You all right?
It's all right.
It's okay. It's okay.
I'm sorry. I tried.
I really did.
Honey, it's okay. I know.
I'm sorry.
We love you. The kids love you.
You suck, Mark!
Say Uncle will be right back.
But for me, I'd rather have
Stevie Wonder shave my balls
with a fucking butcher knife
than be part of this
fucking reality show.
This is Jackie Burke
saying "uncle,"
and RAW TV, you can
go fuck yourself.
I'm keeping the Safari jacket,
in case I ever get
booked in Africa.
You know, my kid,
he's over 6 feet tall.
I hardly ever hear from him.
But all of the stages
are beautiful.
Oh, that lucky kid, heh.
Where's the Florida sunshine?
Wow. Look at you.
This is a surprise.
You look beautiful.
Really great.
Look, I just wanted
to talk to you.
See how you are.
It felt strange after
the way we left things.
I was gonna call you,
but it was...
It didn't feel good to do that.
So I just decided to come here,
and I wanna give you this.
It's a bunch of mementos,
family photographs, my family.
In case,
he or she would want
to know things about...
Of course. Heh.
But just so you have it.
In case. You never know.
And you do whatever you want.
If you want me to be involved
in his or her life, fine.
If you don't, I won't like that,
but I'll have to accept it.
But I'm there.
I want you to know,
I'm there for you, for the kid.
That's the most important
thing I want you to know.
I care about you a lot.
You know that.
Take care of yourself.
Let's hope the kid
looks like me.
Hey, Jackie. Jackie.
- Yeah.
- Sit.
Sit. Join us.
Do you wanna go on tonight?
Any spot you want,
just let me know.
Estee, why are you being
so nice to me?
There's something wrong.
Your video got more hits
than 2 girls, 1 cup.
It's fucking viral.
Sit down.
Which video? What video?
That Say Uncle thing.
Three in a row. You're more
viral than Charlie Sheen.
"This is Jackie Burke
saying 'uncle, '
and RAW TV go fuck
- Fuck yourself.
- Everyone saw it, man.
Six million views and counting.
Six million?
But how did they get it out?
It was two months ago.
You got it out?
You finally did something good.
- To Jackie.
- Congratulations, Jackie.
You're back,
you mean motherfucker.
Where's your drink?
This is so weird.
Hey, where's my viral video?
Punch me in the face?
Miller the Killer.
You... Miller the Killer.
Holy shit!
All right. Try to talk
about regular stuff,
like music and politics. If you
got a handlebar mustache,
all I wanna hear you
talk about is Slinkys
and kazoos, and that's it.
You talk about kazoos
for a few minutes,
then you gonna hop on
a unicycle and juggle.
You carnival-faced motherfucker.
Are you guys ready for
your next comedian?
Make some noise.
You guys are a beautiful crowd.
We have a surprise guest
for tonight.
You might have seen him
on RAW TV,
snapping and telling
them to fuck off.
Please welcome to
the stage the great
Jackie Burke, everybody.
Jackie Burke.
Yeah, give it up
for Hannibal Buress.
Jackie, Jackie, Jackie.
Thank you.
Thank you very much, folks.
Thank you.
This is really nice.
Last time I heard "Jackie"
chanted like that,
I was bent over in the shower
at Nassau County Correctional.
Okay, Jackie.
You're finally working
at the Comedy Cellar again.
Don't fuck this up.
Don't curse too much.
Don't pull your dick out.
Don't attack anyone physically
unless they really,
really deserve it.
Well, looks like all
my ex-wives were wrong.
The bitches.
Sometimes, it really does pay
to be a total asshole.
And if I had known psychotic
breakdowns were so entertaining,
I'd have just been myself
all these years.
Oh, you know what? I forgot.
I'm gonna be a dad.
You don't have to applaud.
I know I'm fucking old.
I mean, halfway through
pulling out, I fell asleep.
Before my sperm leaves my balls,
it has to stop
and ask directions.
Boy, you guys are great.
It's nice to be in front of
a young crowd like this.
Younger than dead.
I should hire you
to come to all my gigs.
How much do you pay?
I don't know... You? I...
Uh, I don't know. I'd give
you 10 for a hand-job
and an extra 100 if you promise
not to wreck it by talking.
Jackie, Jackie, Jackie.
Oh, say does
That star-spangled
Banner yet wave
O'er the land of the free
And the home of the brave?
You made it.
The plane was delayed.
It's okay.
Okay, everyone.
Have a seat, have a seat,
and take a bow, Amaya.
Okay. Okay.
Thank you.
Great. Oh, isn't she cute?
Hi, Gary.
Hey, Jackie.
We're next.
Our next very, very talented
youngster we have is,
Miss Ralli Berkowitz.
Come on out, Ralli.
Oh, no. Here we go.
So, what's the deal
with chores and allowances?
I turn 8, and my mom says,
"I'll give you $10 a week
to make your room,
"wash the dishes, and clean
the cat's litter box."
Ten dollars?
That's slave labor.
I go to our neighbor's
house, and I say,
"What will you give me
if I make your room,
"wash your dishes, and clean
your cat's litter box?"
Neighbor says,
"I don't have a cat."
So I piss in her hallway
and say,
"You go to 15 a week,
and I'll supply the pussy."
Oh, my God.
Oh, my gosh.
This fucking thing on?
Thanks so much, Ralli. Okay.
Very good. Thank you.
Okay, sweetheart.
Good. All right.
Okay. Right.
Thanks so much, Ralli.
Right. Thanks, honey.
All right. Wonderful.
And we have...
Did you teach her that?
I would never teach her
anything like that.
Look into my eyes
Can't you see
They're open wide?
Would I lie to you, baby
Would I lie to you?
Don't you know it's true
Girl, there's no one else
But you
Would I lie to you, baby
Yeah c'mon
Everybody wants to know
The truth
In my arms
Is the only proof
I've hidden my heart behind
The bedroom door
Now it's open
I can't do no more
I'm telling you, baby,
You will never find
Another girl
In this heart of mine
Look into my eyes
Can't you see
They're open wide?
Would I lie to you, baby
Would I lie to you?
Would I lie to you?
When you wanna see me
Night and day
Would I lie to you?
Do you think I give
My love away?
Would I lie?
That's not the kind of game
I play
Katie Radford