The Courtship of Eddie's Father (1963) Movie Script

1
Wake up, Manhattan.
Come out of that warm,
rosy dream.
Open those big,
luscious eyes
and meet a new, exciting day.
I'm talking to you ravishing
delicious, madcap girls
still in that warm, cozy bed.
Now, what you need is
a nice, hot cup of coffee --
Bentley coffee, of course.
Do you get that rich,
intoxicating aroma
that tantalizing blend
that makes the senses reel
and the pulses tingle?
Look out!
Don't burn those delicate,
sensuous fingers.
Why, if anything should happen
to those wild, impetuous hands,
Jones would be heartbroken.
Aw, did she hurt herself?
Don't cry.
Old Norm here will fix it.
There now.
Doesn't that feel better?
-Good morning, Mr. Corbett.
-Well, good morning, um, Joe.
-You forgot to leave a note.
-What?
Do you want your milk
cut down to a quart a day now?
Well --
Suppose we try a quart, and
we'll feel it out from there.
Right. Fine.
That's a good idea.
Fine.
Eddie?
Breakfast ready.
Eddie?
Aw, come on now, Eddie.
Hi.
Hi.
What are you doing in here?
Sleeping.
Yeah, I know.
I can see that.
This happens to be
my bed, you know.
When did you
crawl in here, hmm?
Last night. I got cold.
Are you mad at me?
Why should I be mad at you?
But you were never
much of a one
for bed-hopping, you know.
Alright, come on now,
we don't want to be late
our first day back
at school now, do we?
Do I have to clean my teeth?
You betcha.
Teeth, face, and hands.
Oh, by the way, Eddie,
when was the last time
you took a bath?
I had a whole one
at Aunt Judy's.
I mean from top to bottom.
That was two days ago,
wasn't it?
You don't know
how clean I got.
Aunt Judy put something
in the water
that took off all my tan.
All that dirt, you mean.
No. Tan, Dad.
When you get that clean,
you look all pink and skinny.
I hate myself.
Yeah, well, hate yourself later.
Get into that bathroom.
Come on now. Let's move, huh?
Hey, Dad, you're not a husband
anymore, are you?
Eddie, you can't wear
those trousers to school.
Now, are you
out of your mind?
It's only finger paint, Dad.
The teacher knows what it is.
She knows it ain't dirt.
Put them down.
Okay.
Okay.
Dad?
Yeah.
Bobby Wheeler don't brush
his teeth every day.
So what?
Well, he's got more
teeth left than I do.
Look, never mind Bobby Wheeler.
You just...
What's this?
A watch.
It's indelible.
It's got to wear off.
-Dad?
-Yeah.
You didn't tell me
about the husband part.
Uh, no, I'm not
a husband anymore.
You just get yourself dressed,
or you're not gonna
get any breakfast.
Come on.
Let's go, Eddie.
Okay, Dad.
I'll be here to pick you up
right at lunchtime, okay?
Okay.
You better pull your
sleeve down, Eddie.
No, the one
over the wristwatch.
My shirt itches, Dad.
There's no reason
for it to itch.
It's one of
your regular shirts.
Matter of fact, that's the one
that Mommy ironed.
Eddie, don't fool around inside.
I'll be here right at lunchtime.
-Dad?
-Yes?
Is Mommy really dead?
-Yes, Eddie. She is.
-Gosh.
Gosh.
I never thought of that.
You may be right,
Mr. Corbett.
Mr. Corbett, how nice
to have you back, sir.
Oh. Thank you, Leigh.
I can't tell you
how shocked we all were, sir.
Well, that's very kind of you.
All the bad ones in the world,
and the good ones have to go.
How true. How true.
Well.
Oh, uh, Anne, would you come in
just for a minute, please?
Sure.
Well, I'm not staying long.
I want to pick up
Eddie for lunch.
Where are those letters
you wanted me to sign?
They're in the top
left drawer over there.
I checked the housekeeper.
She'll be reporting
around noon.
The agency
recommended her highly,
but you can never tell
about these sleep-outs.
Sleep-outs?
Yes. She sleeps out.
You know, you really
ought to have a sleep-in.
It's a shame you don't
have an extra bedroom.
Oh, and just
a little tip, Mr. Corbett.
Stay close to her
in the morning.
See if she has
a peppermint breath.
The worst kind
are those sneaky drinkers.
Yes?
I hate to bother you,
Mr. Corbett
but we have 10 young ladies
here with invitations
through the Norman Jones show
but his control room's
full already.
Well, what do you want me
to do about it?
Well can I ask them to
come back some other time?
Yes. You do that.
Well, anyway,
if I were you, Mr. Corbett,
I just might keep an eye out
on the washer machine.
They usually hide
the bottles in there.
And this stunning redhead
whispered to me,
"Oh, Norm, hold me tighter.
Excuse me.
And now, for you.
For all you
ravishing white-collars,
I dedicate
this musical love-letter.
Captain!
My captain.
-Are we off?
-The shepherd returns.
Man, we've been
nothing without you, nothing.
Uh, it seems that you've been
doing pretty well without me.
-What? Oh, that.
-Yeah.
Norm, you know we do not have
visitors on this show, right?
They're not visitors.
They're friends.
That one there on the left,
the blonde?
She won my last
secret-word contest.
What was the secret word?
Yes?
That's funny. That's funny.
Listen, Norm, we can't have
women running in and out
of this place like we're running
a beauty contest.
And that stuff on the air this
morning with the coffee?
I mean, what are you doing,
seducing women on the air now?
Tom, I'm concerned about you.
One sec.
"Jones in the Morning."
Who?
Oh, sure. Hiya, lover.
Sure, I meant it. Yeah.
How about tomorrow night?
8:00.
I'm concerned about you.
You look terrible.
Tired, worried. This whole thing
has been hell for you.
Look, why don't you
relax for an evening?
Try to forget.
I happen to know
this living doll.
Great company.
She lives on 72nd street.
No.
A little harmless companionship.
No.
I'm only trying to help.
You and just about
everybody else.
You're gonna make yourself sick.
Take it from me. Tom, friend --
Dearly beloved,
listen closely.
Am I going to be helping you,
all the time now?
No, as a matter of fact,
the sleep-out housekeeper
Is gonna be doing
most of the cooking.
At least I hope so.
-Sleep-out?
-Mm-hmm. Yeah. She sleeps out.
Out where? Outdoors?
Well, no.
She sleeps out of here.
Why? Are you mad at her?
Mad at her?
How could I be mad at her?
I don't even know her.
Will she be my step-mother?
Oh, come on now.
Use your head, Eddie.
I'd have to marry her for that.
Well, say, uh, Eddie, what did
the teacher say today?
About Mommy?
Yeah.
She didn't say nothing.
Well, then how do you
know she knows?
Oh, she kissed me,
and she looked at me,
and she let me pass out
all the papers.
All that jazz.
What else did you do
in school today?
Nothing much.
Come on, now, Eddie.
I'm sure you did something.
There was something I wanted to
do, but I didn't.
Yeah? What was that?
I wanted to cry.
-Mr. Corbett?
-Yes?
I'm sorry.
I'm very, very sorry.
I was held up on that transfer
at Times Square.
Oh, nice. Real nice.
We're gonna
get along just swell.
-Fine.
-Where's the boy?
Uh, he's in the kitchen
right through here.
We were just about
to have lunch.
Oh, Eddie? Uh,
this is Mrs. Livingston.
-How do you do?
-I'm fine, Eddie.
Just fine.
But you're too skinny.
We'll take care
of that, won't we?
Now, you two sit down,
and I'll get lunch
for you in no time.
Eddie, you'd better
wash your hands.
You mean, because she's here?
No, because they're dirty.
Oh, a dish-washing machine,
a garbage disposal.
You better watch out,
Mr. Corbett.
Yeah? What for?
You better watch out
for the floozies.
The floozies?
Why, there's women
who would marry you
this very minute
for the equipment
you have in this apartment.
Oh, I see.
Mrs. Livingston, would you mind
telling me something?
What is this thing for here?
That's my instant Spanish.
-What?
-It's a course I'm taking.
You see, my daughter,
she married a fella
-in South America.
-I see.
And they've invited me
down there for six months.
Well, I want to know what
he's saying about me, see?
Only he won't know I know.
- Dad?
- Very good.
- Dad?
- Yeah.
Can I go down to Joey's
house for a minute?
No, you can't. Now come on.
You're gonna have lunch,
then you got to get
right back to school.
-Just for one minute?
-No. Why? What for?
I want to tell him the news.
You know, the news
that Mommy died.
Okay.
Does he go around
telling everyone like that?
No.
I think Joey's the very first.
Por favor.
-Hi, Eddie.
-Hi, Dad.
Porque est la sopa
en la lista de platos
y no est la cocina.
Usted es un hermoso.
Esto es un cafe.
La sopa es en la lista
de platos.
Si senora.
Well, buenas nochas.
I'm sorry I'm late.
That's all right.
Eddie's had his dinner,
and he's watching television.
Look, I think I got everything
on this list you gave me --
I had quite a talk
with that woman today.
Hmm? What woman??
The one across the hall.
Elizabeth Marten.
She's a divorcee, Mr. Corbett,
and if you don't mind
some advice,
I'd be very careful.
Very careful of what?
Well, you take a bachelor,
he's out for one thing
and one thing only day in and
day out, week in and week out.
One thing, one thing only.
That's your ordinary bachelor.
Mrs. Livingston,
if that is ordinary,
then I'm in a very bad way.
Well, suit yourself.
Liquor won't solve a thing.
I'll get it.
Hello, Tom.
Hello, uh...
Is Eddie still up?
I made some fudge,
the kind he likes.
Well, that's very kind
of you, Elizabeth.
I know he should be asleep,
but he's still up.
Come in.
It's -- it's chocolate
with nuts.
It's his favorite.
I assure you that he
will flip over it.
Sit down.
Oh, no, thanks. I can't stay.
I just wanted to drop that off
on my way to work.
Well, uh, how about
a drink maybe?
-Just a short one?
-No, thanks.
My floor superintendent
can detect one swallow
at 30 yards.
She really has it in
for volunteer nurses.
She thinks we're all out
on some sort of social lark.
Well, you like the work, though?
It keeps me busy.
Hey!
Elizabeth!
Hello, Eddie. How are you?
Elizabeth made you
some fudge, Eddie.
Boy. Has it got nuts?
It's riddled with nuts.
Wow! Can I have
a piece now, Dad?
Can I have two?
Why not? If you brush your
teeth extra hard.
Boy!
And, um, Eddie?
Put your pajamas on, huh?
Tom, I just wanted
to say how sorry I am.
You know how close
Helen and I were.
I guess she was just
about my best friend.
Yes, I know.
Fact is...
...when I opened the door
and saw you there,
I kind of half-expected
to see Helen
standing right alongside you.
And for a minute there, I --
Tom, if there's
anything I can do,
like sitting with Eddie
at night maybe
in case you might want to go --
No, we're all right.
Eddie's going back to school
now, and we're getting back
into the normal routine
and before you --
Eddie, what is it?
Eddie, what is it?
Eddie!
Eddie. Eddie, it's all right.
It's all right.
It's all right.
It's all right.
Stop. Stop.
Eddie, please stop.
Eddie, please.
Eddie, please.
Stop.
Wh-what did you
d-do with him, Dad?
It -- No, it wasn't a "him."
It was an "it",
and I flushed it
down the drain, Eddie.
It's o-okay, Dad.
Oh, Eddie, please.
You got a half a dozen
other fish there.
-They're all alive.
-I-I know.
It's o-okay, Dad.
Eddie.
Eddie, you were thinking
of your mother
weren't you, Eddie?
Weren't you, Eddie?
Tom, I think he's
gonna be all right now.
A fish is a fish.
Tom.
A fish is a fish,
and his mother's his mother.
That isn't the point.
He doesn't even care
about those damn fish.
I have to tell him to
feed 'em half the time.
It takes about two seconds
to feed 'em.
He needed to cry, Tom.
Well, let him cry according
to the size of things.
-It doesn't work that way.
-Well, I don't agree.
Look, if you're sad, you cry.
You don't save up your tears
and go to a sad movie,
do you?
But we do. We all do.
Where do you think we get
the tears we cry at a movie?
Tears for a mother cannot be
the same as tears for a fish.
Oh, Tom, can't we
talk about this calmly?
I want to help so much.
Thank you very much.
Yeah, thank you for your
kind fuss and for your fudge,
but we're doing just fine.
I'm very sorry to bother you.
Please forgive me.
I know, Dad.
I know how much you miss Mommy.
I'm glad you know, Eddie.
Now that's something that we
know about each other, isn't it?
Of course I...
We miss Mommy, and very much.
And we will for a long time.
How long does it take, Dad?
Well, let me
put it this way, Eddie.
No matter how long it takes,
we're gonna be all right
just as long as I can tell you
everything that I feel.
And you can tell me.
Everything?
Everything.
-Always?
-Always.
I tell you what.
Let's you and I have
a sort of a secret pact
just between us, huh?
Okay, Dad.
Oh, Eddie.
You know what I think, Dad?
I think they
cheat in the movies.
You do?
I think they cheat
with the horses.
How do they do that?
Well, when they want the sheriff
to catch the bad guy,
they give the sheriff
the best horse,
and when they want
the bad guy to get away --
They give the bad guy
the best horse.
That's right, Dad.
They cheat with the horses.
-I see.
-How did you like it, Dad?
Oh, I liked it fine.
But it didn't make
you happy, did it?
-Make me happy?
-Yeah.
What can we do
to make you happy, Dad?
Look, we're gonna have a real
nice Chinese dinner together.
That'll make us both happy.
I know. Let's have
a discussion.
You like discussions.
Okay.
-Are you ready, Dad?
-All right.
You ever think about
getting married again?
No, Eddie, I don't.
Could you think
about it now, Dad?
Out loud?
All right, we'll
think about it now.
First, you got to
find her, right?
Right.
And after you find her,
what happens?
Well, then you
ask her to marry you.
And after she gives you
the permission, what do you do?
Do when?
Aren't you listening, Dad?
Oh, I'm sorry, Eddie.
Uh, then you,
uh, go to a doctor.
A doctor?
What do you want to do that for?
Well, you see, in some states,
you have to have --
You pass a medical test,
sort of in order to get
a marriage license, you see?
Could you pass it, Dad?
Yeah, I think so.
What if the lady
wasn't so healthy?
What if she don't pass?
Would you be mad?
Well, let's just say
I'd be very disappointed.
Oh, look, Dad.
Look.
Look at that big turtle.
Hey, how about some
skee-ball, Eddie?
We have time.
-Oh, boy!
-Come on.
- Dad?
- Yeah?
-Did you see her?
-Who?
-Her?
-Hmm? Who?
The lady with the red hair.
Eddie, don't point, huh?
Miss, change for
a dollar, please.
Boy, she's beautiful.
Let's go, Eddie.
Let's go.
You know, this is
pretty tricky.
Look, she's coming over here.
Oh, now look what
you've done, Eddie.
Sir?
-Sir?
-uh, yes?
Uh, may I borrow your son
for a few minutes?
I beg your pardon?
May I borrow your son
for a few minutes?
Well, we were playing
ball here, you know --
Just for about
10 minutes, sir.
Well, what for?
To get my picture
painted on a tie.
That man over there,
he does it for $3.
I'd like to send one
to my father in Montana.
Well, what's borrowing my son
got to do with having
your picture painted on a tie?
Well, it wouldn't be so awful
if I could sit there
with your boy.
I wouldn't be so afraid.
Afraid of what?
Mashers.
What's a masher, Dad?
Uh, well, a masher is somebody
that bothers women --
Just bothers? That's all?
Yeah. You...
Well, isn't that enough?
I thought you meant
chopped 'em up
or squashed 'em
like a potato masher.
May I, sir?
Eddie, it would seem that you're
about to be borrowed.
-Oh, thank you, sir.
Now listen, Eddie, you stick
with her while she has her
picture painted on the tie
over there, all right?
-Okay, Dad.
-Thank you so much.
All right.
Thanks.
Dad?
Dad, she's giving
the tie to me!
-To you?
-Look, Dad!
They've already
got the bodies on the tie.
He just paints on the head.
I'm sorry.
Takes too much time, I guess,
to paint a person's
whole body,
but my father, if he ever saw
an outfit like that.
I'll wear it to school.
Man!
Man, you will not
wear it to school.
They don't allow bikinis
in the first grade.
Sorry it didn't
work out, Miss...
Daly. Dollye.
Daly Dollye?
Dollye Daly.
Oh, it doesn't matter.
Just as long as I did it,
that's what counts.
Oh, yes, that's right.
I'm supposed to
do one thing every day
that I'm afraid to do,
but I really want to do.
Here. It's part of my
self-improvement course.
Oh, I see.
In fact, it's my first rule.
Become outgoing.
"Become outgoing."
Oh, it's very serious
with me, sir.
I've ruined my whole life by not
having poise and confidence.
I even lost out on the finals.
Finals of what?
Miss Montana.
Oh, I see.
I mean, well, physically,
I could've won it hands down.
Yes, I'm quite
sure I could've.
Eddie.
But when it came to the part
where you have to get up
in front of everybody and talk
for three minutes
about yourself,
well...
Look, I'll tell you what.
Suppose we buy you
a drink, huh?
Oh, thank you!
All right? Why not?
Here we go.
Well, when I did get up to
speak, I couldn't say one word.
I just stood there.
I had such a good speech, too.
It was just full of funny little
jokes I made up myself.
Oh, that's nice.
I mean, that's not...
That's too bad.
And then it came to my drum solo
with the high school band.
Ohh, I never could
face them again.
Oh, my.
That's terrible.
Uh, three oranges, please.
So my father said
that I could come
to New York for six months
and take this course.
My father says if I get enough
poise and confidence for
New York, I'll be a cinch for
Miss Montana next year.
Is the course working?
Oh, yes. I even made up
a little joke about it.
-Yeah?
-Poise meets girl.
You got it.
Yes. Yes, I did.
Did I get it, Dad?
Well, you might've, yeah.
Can I have a hot dog?
No, it's near your
dinner time, Eddie.
Just one?
Well...
Hey, what would
your mama think
if she knew you were
spoiling your appetite?
Eddie, the lady asked you
a question.
We ain't going home
for dinner, anyway,
because my mother died
and the housekeeper's
got the afternoon off.
Oh. Oh, I'm sorry you have
no mother, Eddie.
But, well, here's a good idea.
Why don't you both
come up to my apartment
and I'll make you dinner?
Boy!
Italian spaghetti, how's that?
I like Chinese food
better than anything.
Okay, Italian spaghetti
Chinese style.
I got a better idea.
Suppose Eddie and I take you to
dinner, Miss Montana?
I mean, Miss Daly.
Huh? How about it?
Boy, is your hair pretty.
Is it real?
Genuine, Eddie.
Everything you see
here, it's me.
Gosh!
-You know something, Dad?
-What?
I think she liked us.
Well, she liked you,
Eddie, that's for sure.
No, us. And you
know something else?
I think she's lonesome,
even with all that red hair.
Maybe.
Are you lonely, Dad?
Sometimes.
Well, why don't
you come right out
and ask Dollye
to live with us?
There's an idea.
I bet she'd love
to live with us.
I bet she would. We could make
her a sleep-in.
-No, it wouldn't work, Eddie.
-Why not?
Well, for one thing,
Mrs. Livingston
would have a fit.
See, Mrs. Livingston
does not like floozies.
Floozies?
Is Dollye a floozy?
No, I don't think so.
No, I-I don't
think so at all.
Then why can't
she live with us?
Eddie, you don't ask
a woman to live with you
unless you marry her.
Well, you could do that later.
You know, Eddie, I loved
your mother very much,
and I still do,
and I don't think
I'd like to have anybody
try to take her place,
not just yet.
Well, if you can't marry her,
maybe we can find
somebody who can.
I don't think
she wants a husband.
I think she just wants
somebody to help her.
Well, maybe we could get
somebody to help her.
I'll think about it.
So mark that down
in your appointment books.
At the grand ballroom
on the 12th.
And I'm sure none
of you lovely things
out there will want
to miss this,
the biggest fashion
event of the year.
And I think you ought
to add, Mr. Jones,
that all the proceeds
go to charity.
Did you hear it,
ladies and gentlemen?
That lovely voice
belongs to Rita Behrens,
fashion consultant for this
event and any other event.
If you could be sitting
here as I am,
facing this charming,
this alluring,
the earth's noblest thing,
a woman perfected.
And who was it that said, "Her
eyes shall remain as dew drops
on the petals of my memory?"
Really, Miss Behrens,
we ought to get together
and go over the ground
plans for this event.
Uh, how about Friday night?
Yes.
I'm sure the committee
would be happy to meet with you.
The committee? Yes, well,
that isn't exactly what
I had in mind, but you can't say
Jones doesn't try.
Well, we'll talk
about it later.
But first, a lovely ballad
for a lovely lady.
Be right back, honey.
Don't go away.
Greetings, captain.
What's this frantic note
I got that you wanted
to see me?
That can wait.
Norman, you got to stop
making dates on the air.
It's illegal?
Well, the FCC...
-The FCC?
-Yes.
Are you sick?
Huh? You're sick.
You ought to form
an organization like AA.
"Womanics Anonymous."
Look, I'm just trying --
You're trying to get
thee to a monastery.
Well, I'm not ready yet.
I'm not gonna give up
my life as I know it.
Well, keep your life
off the air, will you?
All right! All right.
You want me to leave
the girls alone,
I'll leave the girls alone.
All right.
Now, what did you
want to see me about?
Well, I wanted to
ask a favor of you.
Mr. Corbett?
Yes?
Your appointment's
here, sir.
Where is she?
She's in your office.
Uh, would you
bring her down here?
Yes, sir.
Norm, there's somebody
I'd like you to meet.
I mean, interview.
Who is he?
Well, uh, it's a...
It's a woman.
Whistler's mother?
Queen Victoria?
Well, it just so happens
that this is a very
fine young girl.
Why, captain, is it possible
you're human after all?
Oh, come on, quit clowning,
will you, Norm?
I thought you might fit her into
one of your programs.
You know, sort of put her
on tape and listen to her,
kind of give her advice. sort
of, uh, well, build her up.
-Build her up?
-Yeah.
You see, she -- see,
what she needs is...
is self-confidence, and she has
this funny complex
that she has no poise.
Why, you sly old fox.
Where'd you meet her?
Oh, I met her at, uh...
I met her through
a friend of mine.
What's her name?
Dollye Daly.
Dollye Daly? I like that.
It's sort of like dilly-dally.
Well, it just so happens that
Daly is a very respectable name
in the state of Montana,
and Dollye is a very respectable
young girl, and she's
a very unassuming girl,
and she's very sweet,
and she's very simple.
Why, of course.
You know me.
Anything for the boss.
Well, come in, uh, Dilly. Uh...
Uh, Miss Daly,
this is Norman Jones.
And this -- Don't tell me.
This is Dollye Daly.
Why, yes.
Not one of the Montana Dalys?
Not one of the real ones.
Not related to old Marcus Daly.
See, she --
And how old is old Marcus now?
Oh, he's dead. He died in 1863.
Oh. Sorry to hear that.
I was just telling Norm here
that he might --
And I'd be delighted
to help Miss Daly, delighted.
Why, we think the world
of old Tom around here,
and any friend of Tom's --
Look, I'll tell you what.
We'll all get together Friday
night and kick it around.
-Couldn't we just --
-We'll talk it over.
I'm expecting to take out
Miss Rita Behrens, as you know,
and we'll all go together.
Friday? Oh, I'm sorry.
That's my night for bowling.
Bowling. Good, swell!
That's my game, bowling.
Keeps those old muscles in
shape, huh, Tom?
It's all settled then.
Friday. See you then.
Norm, uh...
Bowling?
How's about for Friday night?
I'm busy. Who's that?
Oh, you mean
the girl with the...
with the red hair?
No, I mean the man
with the interesting smile.
Program manager.
He runs the joint.
Oh. He, uh, does
have a look about him.
That happens to be the look
of a fresh widower,
and we could've been double
dating with him Friday night.
Dad?
Eddie, I thought you'd
be asleep by now.
I feel real terrible, Dad.
I'm shivering, and my teeth are
hitting each other.
Come here.
Now, you stay here and keep
the covers over you
and keep warm, right?
Hot, I'm hot.
I'll be right back.
Who is it?
It's Tom Corbett.
I-I'm sorry, Elizabeth.
I hate to bother
you, but it's Eddie.
It's -- He's sick.
I think he's real sick.
I don't know whether I should...
-Any vomiting?
-Uh, no.
-Diarrhea?
-I don't think so, no.
-Do you have a thermometer?
-Yes.
Eddie, turn over
on your tummy.
That's it.
Don't worry,
I won't hurt you.
Here. What else?
Can I do boil some
water or something?
Tom, he's not gonna
have a baby.
Get me some
rubbing alcohol, please.
That all?
No, go to bed,
and stop worrying.
Here.
Over there.
Tom, go to bed. Please.
Elizabeth?
Yes, Eddie?
You -- you don't have
your uniform on.
Well, we'll try and get
you well without it.
Well, good morning.
Oh. Good morning.
I thought you might need
a little refueling.
I'd love some.
Oh. Sleep well?
Yes, I am very ashamed to say
I did, thanks to you.
How's the patient?
Oh, a touch of flu,
24-hour variety.
He'll bounce back fast.
Good.
You know, he's quite
a boy, that Eddie.
He let me in on a great
medical secret.
Oh, what was that?
He told me that brave boys don't
bleed much when they're hurt.
No matter how big the cut is,
they hold their blood in.
Oh, Elizabeth, I don't know how
to thank you for
everything, really.
There's nothing
to thank me for.
I enjoyed taking care of him.
You know, I want
to pay you something.
After all, you...
you stayed here all night.
You lost a whole night's sleep.
Here, have some more coffee.
I have known Eddie
ever since he was born.
I know, Elizabeth.
I'm supposed to
be his friend.
Yes, I know that.
When a friend of mine needs me,
I've been known to help
without expecting to be paid.
All right, so I made a mistake.
I was just trying to
show my gratitude --
And keep everything
as impersonal as possible?
So much an hour,
is that the idea?
Look, you don't have to
get so touchy when --
Touchy? I'm touchy?
You couldn't for a moment
be in my debt. Oh, no!
You think that every woman
that walks through that door
wants to make it
a permanent visit.
All right, so you did
me a favor, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Not on your life.
Even the volunteer services
of a volunteer nurse
are worth something.
You'll have my bill
by this evening.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Dad?
Well, now.
Why don't
you like Elizabeth?
Well, how we doing, Eddie-o?
You were talking
loud out there.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Is there something about
her looks you don't like?
No.
I think she looks swell.
It couldn't be her eyes.
Her eyes?
They're not all skinny.
You know, like those
ladies in the comic books
who are no good.
They always got skinny eyes.
Skinny eyes.
Anything else?
Well, there's one other thing,
but it's about sex.
Go ahead.
I can stand it.
Well, the bad ladies,
they always got big busts.
Now, don't get mad,
Dad, but it's true.
Very big, skinny eyes
and big busts
Is how you tell a bad lady
from a good one.
Aren't there any good ladies
in all that stuff you read?
Oh, sure, but they always
got medium-size busts
and round eyes, of course.
Well, I'll keep that in mind.
No matter how I feel
about Elizabeth, I...
Well, I'm very glad you've been
in the hands of
a round-eyed girl.
Mommy.
She had round eyes.
Yes, I know.
I can still remember that day
they took her to the hospital.
I guess I better not
talk about it.
No.
No, go ahead if you want to.
Remember, Dad?
They brought that bed
with the wheels in here,
and they put her on it.
She was smiling, but she
didn't look so good.
And you know what
she said to me?
What did she say, Eddie?
She called me over to her,
and she told me
to be a good boy
and to take care of you.
Did you know that, Dad?
No.
I never told nobody before.
Then they wheeled her
out in the hall.
I didn't think that bed
could get in the elevator
but it did.
Do you think Mommy knew
she wasn't coming back?
I don't know.
Where is she, Dad, right now?
Eddie, she's right smack dab
in the middle of heaven.
Do you think she remembers me?
I'm sure she does.
Bravo!
How do we stand?
Now, let's see,
that makes 200 for me.
And what am I?
Still, uh...
Nothing?
Mr. Jones, are you sure
bowling is your game?
Well, we athletes all have our
off nights, you know?
You can't pitch a no-hit
game every time.
Must that old army wound
of mine acting up.
Would you mind, Mr. Jones, if I,
uh, if I show you what I think
you're doing wrong?
Well, you just go
right ahead and show me.
All right, well,
stand behind this line.
Behind the line.
Right. I got it.
-That's it.
-There we are.
Now -- Oh! Don't take
such a big swing.
Just easy, easy.
Easy. I see.
All right, now move
straight forward.
-Forward.
-From the hips.
From the hips.
See where my hips are?
Oh, I do. I do.
Well, move like that,
and, uh, don't let your
body get out of control.
Right.
Watch me and do
everything I do.
Okay.
-Hey!
-That's it.
I'll be darned.
What does a fashion
consultant do, hmm?
Well, you might say that she
forces her own peculiar tastes
upon woman who have
absolutely none at all.
Sounds like a racket
for snobs,
but there's really a lot
of hard work involved.
The efficient, self-possessed
American career woman, hmm?
Oh, no. No, never.
I've seen too many
Rosalind Russell pictures
for that.
No, I'm going to marry him
just as soon as he asks me.
Who's he?
The man who'll love me
on equal terms.
That old saying, "Behind
every man is a woman."
That's not for me.
I want to stand
right alongside.
Is that asking too much?
Well, no, I'm afraid you're
gonna have to be satisfied
with the vote right now.
I don't think that
that'll ever become
a national movement.
You have rules?
Oh, there are eight rules
in the course all together.
The eight golden rules to poise
and self-confidence.
What's, uh, number two?
Number two -- stand straight
hold your head high,
and breathe deeply.
I like that.
Uh, number, uh, two.
Number three.
Show your enthusiasm.
Oh, by all means.
And number 4.
Give yourself to others.
Hey, there! I --
They're insecure, too.
Number five.
If you'll pardon my saying so,
I, uh, I think the guy
that wrote these rules ought
to be arrested.
Oh, it's not a man.
It's a woman.
The Henrietta Rockefeller
Poise and Confidence School.
Oh, I know.
I don't think that's her real
name, either, Rockefeller.
I just think
she took that name
to make people feel
more confident.
Oh, yeah. That'll
do it every time.
Hey, Norm, did you ever get
that 1924 pressing of
the Wolverines playing
the "Jazz me blues"
that I sent you?
What do you mean did I get it?
I played it on the air.
I interviewed you.
Yeah.
What an arrangement.
That's my bowling ball.
Yeah, that's her bowling ball.
Look, Ricky, we don't get
together nearly enough.
Why don't you drop up to
the program some time, huh?
Any morning at all, buddy.
Always glad to see you.
Oh, you just don't know
how I envy you, Mr. Jones.
Your self-composure your
command, your sang-froid.
Well, you just don't
ever seem to suffer
from feeling inadequate.
Oh, that's only a front.
Don't you see?
Deep down inside, I'm just as
inadequate as anyone else,
but you got to have
that front, kid.
You -- you got to fake it.
You can do it.
You're very smart.
Oh, that's not
my problem, Mr. Jones.
I had the highest
scholastic average
of all the girls who
competed for Miss Montana,
but when I got up in front
of all those people
to recite and play
my drum solo...
That's just what I mean.
Fake it.
That's rule number one
with me, boy.
Fake it up.
Doesn't make any difference
what you do --
singing, dancing, glass blowing.
You like to recite?
Get up and recite.
So you bomb out.
Nobody's gonna kill you.
The point is to get in there
and fake it.
Oh, that's all right
for you to say.
You're so good at everything.
Yeah, like bowling.
You got a lot to give, kid.
Get up and give it.
Anything.
Uh, what was
that other thing?
My drum solo.
Yeah.
Well, even that.
Look, we might as well
start right now.
Start what?
Come on, come on with me,
right through here.
It's all right.
Hey, John, my friend
would like to
sit in on the drums.
Mr. Jones, please!
It's all right.
How about it?
-She's got it, man.
-Come on.
Oh, Mr. Jones,
really I can't.
Come on with me,
right through here.
How about it, Jack?
I was just leaving.
There we are.
Move right in and sit down.
What's the scene, miss?
He means, what number would
you like to play?
Do you know
the "Carnival of Venice?"
It's our trademark.
Do you know
"Carnival of Venice?"
Like the inside of my hand.
Mr. Jones.
Don't forget.
Henrietta Rockefeller.
So?
Well, so that's about it.
Oh, things get a little
difficult sometimes,
but I have Eddie.
What's more important,
Eddie has you.
Yes, me and just about
everybody else
in the building.
He runs in and out
of those apartments
just like he owns 'em.
Of course, they all know
he's polite
and says thank you
and everything.
Sometimes he forgets
to zip himself up.
Well.
Listen, does he act that way
around all your friends?
Well, it depends
what they have in mind.
I see. Well, then.
Say, I got to get going.
I really should.
I mean, the housekeeper's
sitting up with Eddie,
and I don't want to worry him.
Of course.
Hello?
Oh, hello, Ronnie.
No, I was out this evening.
Well, uh,
why don't you, uh --
why don't you call me back
in the morning?
Yes. What?
Christmas?
Well, uh,
hold the line a minute.
Are you doing anything
for Christmas?
Oh, Christmas, I'm taking Eddie
up to my brother's
place in Connecticut.
A little family atmosphere.
I understand.
Ronnie, I think I can
make it for Christmas.
Well, why don't you call me
back in the morning?
Yes, I, um -- Hold the line
a minute, will you?
What about New Year's?
New Year's?
I'm having a party.
You're invited.
I accept.
Ronnie, I'll talk to you
in the morning.
Well --
I'm sorry.
That's funny.
My taking you to dinner.
It's like I'm going out
on a first date.
Did you kiss her good night?
Twice.
Arriba!
Ole!
Arriba!
Got to listen,
got to listen!
Ole!
Ole!
You missed it!
Well, that does it.
If I don't get out of here now,
I'll never get home tonight.
Oh! Say, honey, could you stay
with Eddie for a while?
-Well, I...
-Please.
-Sure, I'd be glad to.
-Oh, good.
Mr. Corbett will be home
most any minute.
And, Eddie, you go to bed.
-Adios.
-Adios.
Adios!
Elizabeth?
Can't I just stay up
until Dad gets here?
I want to ask him something.
What?
How he made out with his date.
Eddie, are you, uh,
anxious for your father
to get married?
Sure. It'll make him
happy again.
You realize, of course,
that his wife would
be your step-mother
and not just a housekeeper.
I know.
That part ain't so hot.
A step-mother.
She'd make me go to bed early
and she'd say,
"My, aren't we dirty?"
When she means, "You're dirty."
Me, I mean.
You often are.
And she won't let me
run through the rooms,
and she'll keep the lid down
in the bathroom.
Sometimes when I'm racing
up from the playground,
I don't hardly make it
in time when the lid's down.
Those aren't the best reasons
I've ever heard, Eddie.
Hey, I got a great idea!
If Dad got married, would he
have to tell anybody?
Why would you want
to keep it a secret?
Well, he could get married,
and we could pretend
that she took the place
of Mrs. Livingston,
and I'd be real nice
to her and polite,
and Dad could have
discussions with her
and get a baby and go
to the movies and all that.
But we could tell everybody
that she was
our new housekeeper.
See? Then I wouldn't have
a step-mother.
Eddie, do you really think
any woman would go for that?
-Would you?
-No.
Why not?
It wouldn't be so hard,
except for maybe
the baby part.
How do you get babies anyway?
Well --
Saved in the nick of time.
Saved from what?
Babies and step-mothers.
We were just getting down
to the basic facts.
He's all yours.
How'd you make out, Dad?
Never mind how I made out.
You should be in bed, Eddie.
And so should I.
-Tom.
-Yes.
Be honest. Be frank.
All the books say so.
-Good night.
-Good night.
Good night, Eddie.
Good night, Elizabeth.
What was that all about?
Oh, I just asked
how you got babies.
Well, I think it's
a little late for that.
Let's go.
Good night, Dad.
Good night, Eddie-o.
It was William the Conqueror.
He ordered that new year's
start on January 1st.
The Egyptians had it
in September.
Dollye, you never cease
to amaze me.
Oh, I don't want to brag,
but I did have a very high
scholastic average.
And yet, every time I got up
to say my piece or speak...
Oh, dear.
Do you know many pieces?
Oh, I have loads of them.
Even one for New Year's.
- You do?
- It's just beautiful.
It's called
"The Death of the Old Year."
"Full knee-deep
lies the winter snow,
and the winter winds
are wearily sighing,
toll ye the church bell
sad and slow
and tread softly and speak low
for the old year lies a-dying."
It's a little grim,
don't you think?
Rita, do you think
Norman likes me?
Well, he --
He seems to.
I don't know what's wrong.
He does seem to, but...
He's never even
kissed me good night.
Is there something
about me that...
-Hello?
-This is Corbett Catering.
You said champagne, caviar,
and something else.
Now, what was that
something else, ma'am?
That something else
was anchovies,
and don't you dare
come without them.
Anchovies, right.
Anchovies it will be,
and we will be there
in about one half
of an hour, all right?
-Dad?
-Yeah.
Dad, what do the numbers mean
after a lady's name?
Eddie, I am so busy
right now, I...
It says here, "40-18-35."
Holy smoke. Who's that?
Jayne Mans...
F-I-E-L-D.
Oh, yeah.
What do the numbers mean?
Did she win?
Did she beat somebody?
She probably could
if she wanted to.
Listen, I lost my cuff link
around here somewhere.
Do you mind looking
for it for me?
Oh, sure.
Maybe it's under the bed there.
Well, what do
the numbers mean?
Inches. 40's the bust.
What's the other two numbers?
Oh, it's the waist
and the hips.
Suppose the first one,
the bust was 20.
What would happen?
Absolutely nothing.
Poor girl.
This lady you're going out with.
What does she measure?
What are you smiling for?
Hmm? I was just
thinking of something.
What's your favorite inches
on a lady, Dad?
Oh, I'd say 36.
36-36-367
Oh, come on now.
Use your head, Eddie.
If it was 36-36-36,
she'd be straight up and down,
now wouldn't she?
How many inches
should she dent in?
Well, I never counted.
I mean, you just...
You make a woman sound like
a dented fender, or something.
Thank you.
Will you let me know, Dad?
What?
About the lady's
inches tonight.
I'd be very interested.
I don't walk around carrying
a tape measure, Eddie.
We got one right in the house.
Wait a minute.
No, never mind. I'll guess.
-Tape measure? For what?
-For the lady.
Never mind, Mrs. Livingston.
It's all right.
- You have a good time.
- Thank you.
You'll let me know
in the morning?
Absolutely not.
You grow up and get
your own girl.
Dad.
Look, I'm very late.
Happy New Year, Dad.
Happy New Year, Eddie.
Happy New Year!
Happy New Year!
"And tho' his foes
speak ill of him,
he was a friend to me.
Old year, you shall not die,
we did so laugh
and cry with you.
I've half a mind
to die with you,
old year, if you must die.
Old year, if you must..."
It was the wrong X-ray!
Oh, that's so funny!
Well, good night,
Elizabeth.
Good night, Charlie.
And thanks again.
Well, sounds like you
had a pretty good time.
Yes, yes.
We had a --
We had a lovely time.
It was a million laughs.
Would you like a small sample
of tonight's humor?
Yes. What?
Well, at the nightclub,
the maitre d' asked us
if we'd like to sit down front.
Right. Well?
Uh, Charlie to maitre d' --
"I'm sorry, sir,
We don't bend that way."
No.
-Oh, no.
-I swear.
All evening?
No, no.
No, the rest of the evening
was taken up with the notochord,
the ectoderm, the esoderm,
and the mesoderm.
He specializes in
rare diseases of the bone.
Oh, what fun.
You wouldn't think so
if you had to listen
to bone jokes all night.
And I think I intend
to drink myself to sleep.
Uh, can I help?
I mean, I have some pretty
good brandy in there.
Mm. I'd love some.
Come on.
That's her Spanish lesson.
I know. She told me.
Tom, it's very --
I'm glad
I didn't go back to my room
'cause I'd only cry,
and I don't want to.
Oh, come on now.
It wasn't that bad.
No, no, no.
No, it's just --
Oh, it's New Year's Eve.
I'm glad I don't
get this way very often.
How long has it been
since the divorce?
A year.
Oh, it wasn't so bad.
It was the same old story,
I guess.
We were very young, and...
Well, no fatal damage.
Yeah, but a few scars.
I'm still young. They'll heal.
I take it that the bone doctor
Is not in the running.
Well, uh,
he is very fond
of my, uh, pectoral girdle.
Well, good for him.
That's very good, you know,
'cause I've been --
I've been quite
fond of it myself
for quite some time.
Happy New Year, Tom.
A happier new year
for both of us.
Uh, table 23.
Oh, good afternoon,
Miss Behrens.
Edmund. Has Mr. Corbett
arrived yet?
Eddie.
I hope I haven't
kept you waiting.
No, of course not.
Eddie, I'd like you
to meet Miss Behrens.
-This is Eddie.
-How do you do?
I'm so glad to meet you.
I've heard a lot about you.
He's a charming child.
Thank you.
What lovely manners.
Well, I won't pretend that
he hasn't been coached a bit.
-Donald.
-Yes, Miss Behrens.
Thank you.
Well, this is
a very special occasion,
our first meeting.
Yes, ma'am.
Yes, we were just
talking about Eddie.
He's going to have a birthday,
and, uh, we're gonna
have a party.
Oh, how wonderful.
You know, every time
the year goes by,
we always have a party
for Eddie.
Every year, Eddie has...
has a birthday party,
and the house just gets
jammed with kids,
doesn't it, Eddie?
Yes, it certainly does
get crowded.
Was that your foot, Dad?
Hmm? Oh, I'm sorry, Eddie.
Uh, but Eddie likes it that way,
so why not, huh, Eddie?
Eddie?
It's going to be
bigger than ever.
Mrs. Livingston's going
to bake a great big cake,
and Elizabeth said she'd bring
the candy and help out like.
Elizabeth?
Yes, that's our
next-door neighbor.
Oh, I see.
May I come to your party, Eddie?
Well...
I'd like to help out, too.
Okay, if you want to.
Thank you very much.
Excuse me.
Pardon us a minute,
will you, please?
Of course.
It's right up those
steps there to the left.
Eddie, what's the matter
with you?
Nothing.
Well, I don't like
the way you're behaving.
Now, when you come back,
will you please try to smile
and act like you're
enjoying yourself?
Sure, Dad. I'll try.
Good boy.
Oh, he's just wonderful, Tom.
He's delightful.
Well, I have known him
to give, uh,
warmer receptions
to people, I'm afraid.
Well, you know, after all,
I have taken you away from him
for several evenings now.
He's probably just
a little jealous.
Oh, I suppose so.
We're going to get along
just fine.
Do I fly?
No, you swing!
All right, kids.
Come and get your signs on.
You go get Katie and Tommy,
and bring them back here.
Come on, kids!
Get your sign on.
Come on.
All right. Here we go.
You all have to be animals.
See, the idea is we never
let it go any faster.
Ah! Jane, you never point
a gun at anybody ever.
Kelly, out of the fish.
No, we don't play
with the fish, Kelly.
-You sit right there, Kelly.
-Mr. Corbett!
-What? What is it?
-Do I quack?
-Do you what?
-Do I quack?
Let's see.
No, you don't have
the nose for --
look, I told you. See what
happened when you made it --
Kelly, I told you
to stay out of the fish.
-Mike, is this your brother?
-Yes.
Will you please
take care of him?
Melissa, she saw a monster!
Where?
In Eddie's room,
under the table.
Oh, under the table.
It's all right.
And your front legs are shorter
than your back!
Hello?
Hello?
I'm sorry, I can't hear!
I'm sorry.
It's difficult to hear.
What?
This is Elizabeth Marten.
Oh, Elizabeth?
Yes, Tom's mentioned you.
This is Rita Behrens.
I wonder, could I speak
to Tom, please?
Miss Behrens.
Yes, of course.
Hold on a minute.
Tom!
Tom!
Tom!
You're wanted on the phone.
-Who is it?
-Miss Behrens.
Oh, right.
Hello?
Listen, it's very noisy here.
Where are you?
At home. You'll never guess
what's happened.
It's Norm and Dollye.
They're engaged.
They're actually engaged.
-Is that Tom??
-Yes.
I was just leaving for the party
when they arrived with the news.
Well, it can't be
that noisy here.
I don't think
I heard you right.
Really, Tom. They --
Here, let me.
Hail cupid, and come on over.
Sure we are.
Right here next month,
and then off to Montana
for the honeymoon.
Look, if you can't make it now,
how about tonight?
Well, I was supposed
to take Eddie
to a birthday dinner
tonight, but, uh...
Let me handle him.
Look, don't let us down, buddy.
Tom.
But I can't foul up
an engagement party,
especially when
I'm responsible for it.
Look, I tell you what.
I'll be there.
I'll pick you up.
Right? Right.
-Uh, Mrs. Livingston --
-I'm busy.
Well, I mean, it's just for
tonight, Mrs. Livingston.
I'm busy.
Come on, Indian.
Hey, Dad, Richard found out
he was a zebra
by looking
in the bathroom mirror.
Does it count?
No, no. Absolutely not.
Say, Elizabeth, what's
eating Mrs. Livingston?
I mean, are the kids getting her
down, or what is it?
-She seems all right to me.
-She almost bit my head off.
All I said was, "Would you
help me out tonight?
-Tonight?
-Yeah.
You know, I had to take
Eddie to dinner.
Something came up.
-I can't make it.
-I see.
Say, I was just thinking
maybe you could --
I'm busy.
Well, I mean, all you'd
have to do is --
I'm busy.
Elizabeth, somebody said I bite.
Could you give me a big hint?
Well, it takes one
to know one. Ask him.
Somebody said I bite.
Could you give me a big hint?
Let's take a look.
Bye. I'm glad you could come.
Hey, Dad, they're
gone now, everyone.
I'll never be the same, Eddie.
You were cool, Dad.
All the kids said so.
Boy, I had a wonderful,
wonderful birthday.
Oh, that's good.
That's real good.
Everyone came.
Everyone I invited.
Yeah, they sure did,
didn't they?
And the house was nice and noisy
for a change wasn't it, Dad?
Yeah, for a change, it was.
It'll be so quiet tonight.
I'm glad we're going out
for dinner.
Eddie, uh --
Yeah?
I'm glad, too.
Happy birthday, Eddie.
-Can Elizabeth come?
-Nope. You, me, us.
Elizabeth, she's busy.
Okay.
Everybody, hold it.
Where am I?
We wish you
every happiness, my dear.
Congratulations, my boy.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, congratulations.
You were the most
lovely bride.
Hey, Dollye. Dollye?
You know, you'll never be
Miss Montana now.
Well, I don't have
to be anymore.
-That's rule eight.
-Eight?
Fall in love, and love
will make you brave.
Eddie!
Eddie, my very, very first
boyfriend.
I brought you something.
Oh, you did?
-Open it.
-Oh, for me?
Well, what is it?
Isn't that nice?
I thought you'd like it now
for your husband.
Gee, it's swell, Eddie.
It's just beautiful.
Shall I put it on now?
-Yes.
-Why not?
The very first piece of cake
goes to Eddie.
-Thank you.
-And thank you, darling.
And thank you, Mr. Corbett.
Thanks for everything.
Oh, Dollye.
Hey, wait a minute.
Hold it.
Congratulations!
Well, how's the cake?
I don't want any.
I think I'm sick.
Sick?
Yeah.
Let's go home, Dad.
Look, we planned to have dinner
with Rita in Central Park.
I don't feel good.
All right, now,
let's have it out right now.
What is there that
bothers you about Rita?
Now, so help me, if you say
she's got skinny eyes,
I'll clobber you.
But she has, Dad!
I don't care if she's
got polka-dot eyes!
There's no reason
not to like her.
I'm trying.
Well, stop trying
and just like her.
You understand?
Is something
wrong with Eddie?
I'm afraid he's not
feeling very well, Rita.
What a shame.
I'm sorry.
Well, you know
how it is with kids.
These things come on
real quickly.
But I'm afraid that we're gonna
have to cancel our dinner date.
Yes, you -- you'd better
if he's not feeling well.
Yes. I really ought to
take him home right now.
I mean, you understand,
though, don't you?
Of course.
I understand.
Rita!
How 'bout that, huh?
The new bride and groom.
Shall you meet us in Montana
or wait for us here, huh?
How 'bout that, captain?
You're next.
Does he have to take
all this stuff?
I thought we had to stick to
the list the camp sent us here.
That's exactly what
we have, Mr. Corbett.
It says seven blouses
or seven shirts.
Oh, no. He can't take these. No.
We got to get rid
of these once and for all.
Mr. Corbett, without those,
you know good and well
he couldn't walk.
It says seven socks here.
Let me see.
Una-una, dos,
trs, quantro...
Hi! I'm going.
Did you fix it?
Did I fix it?
I certainly did.
There. What do you think?
Boy, is that neat-o.
How'd you sew it on there?
Oh, it wasn't too difficult.
-Can I put it on now?
-Sure.
There. They're gonna think
you're one of the counselors.
Gosh!
It's great.
Like I'm really
out of school now.
Well, you told me
you liked school.
At the beginning is all.
They're real nice to you
at the beginning,
"cause they don't want you
to hate school right off.
But after Christmas,
they don't care anymore.
They let you hate it.
Will you visit camp with Dad?
Maybe.
We'll see about that.
Now that I'm gone,
maybe you can have
discussions with Dad.
You know, long ones?
Like mom and Dad did
when they'd shut
the bedroom door.
Well, we'll see
about that, too.
Eddie-o!
Coming, Dad!
Goodbye, Elizabeth.
Goodbye, Eddie.
Have a good time.
Hey, Eddie!
The bus is here!
Don't forget your fish, Eddie!
-Here you are.
-Thanks, Mrs. Livingston.
-Goodbye, Eddie.
-Adios, muchacho!
-Gracias. Adios!
-Yeah, yeah.
Have a good time!
-Bye!
-Bye!
Oh, my!
That boy sure is
crazy about you, isn't he?
I'm pretty crazy
about him, too.
It's a shame you
and Mr. Corbett
get on each other's
nerves so much.
Mr. Corbett doesn't
get on my nerves.
We get along just fine.
I don't know where you
ever got that idea.
I-I mean, we might have
our little differences
now and then, but --
Don't wait
too long, honey.
What?
I got a feeling
that man's on the verge.
Mr. Corbett is free to verge
whichever way he wants to.
Okay, honey, but don't say
I didn't tell you.
And it won't be long, either.
Play ball!
I think Eddie's up to bat.
Oh, well, why don't
you go on ahead?
Hi, Dad!
Hi, Eddie!
Hey, Eddie!
Get the ball, Tony.
Tony, Tony, Tony!
Safe!
Hey, it's a home run!
Hey, that was terrific.
He's gonna be a champ, isn't he?
Let's see now.
We can check off the volleyball
and the water polo
and the relay races.
You don't mind missing
the girls' archery, do you, Dad?
Oh, no, I'm sure Rita will give
us a full report on that.
-Hi, Mike.
-Hi.
This is Mike, my roommate.
-Hi, Mike.
-Hi.
This is where I sleep.
All right.
-Dad?
-Yeah?
There's something
I have to tell you.
What is it, Eddie-0?
It's serious.
You aren't looking at me.
Oh, I'm sorry, Eddie.
All right.
I was going to write
you about it,
but they censor the mail.
Do you know what that means?
Oh, yes, I do.
All right. I'm serious.
I'm looking at you.
I'm sure we can take care of
whatever trouble it might be.
I'm sure we can do
something about it, Eddie.
There ain't nothin'
we can do, Dad.
Well...
Suppose you let me be
the judge of that, huh?
What seems to be the trouble?
Promise you won't tell
anyone, not anyone.
No, not a soul.
This is just between
you and me, all right?
Dad, for the first time
in my life,
my whole life, I'm...
I'm in love.
Well, that's
very serious, Eddie.
And she loves me, Dad.
Well, that's good.
I'm -- I'm glad of that.
Her name's Cherry.
Cherry? You know, that's
a very pretty name.
But her real name's
Cheryl Candace.
Cherry for short.
You know what you
oughta do, Eddie?
You oughta call her
Cherry Candy.
Don't kid me, Dad.
I'm sorry.
Well, is she real pretty?
She's beautiful.
Well, except from behind.
Behind?
Girls aren't so pretty
from behind, Dad.
Oh, well...
Well, uh, you must like her
an awful lot, Eddie.
Oh, I do.
I ain't kiddin' around, Dad.
I'd like to give her a present.
Oh, you would?
That's very nice.
What would like
to give her?
Money.
Money?
I'd like to give her money.
Well, why don't you
just give her a book, or --
She can't read good,
and I like to give her
the things she likes best.
And she likes money
the best, huh?
She loves money.
She thinks money's
terrific, honest.
Look, I'm very sorry, Eddie,
but money is out.
I mean, why don't
you give her, um...
well, something of yours,
something you like very much.
You know, women
like that, Eddie.
It pleases them.
My old sneakers?
Oh, for Pete's sakes,
Eddie you're not listening
-to me at all --
-But, Dad, Cherry loves
my old sneakers.
She won the Junior
Red Cross Lifesaving
getting-undressed-underwater
contest with them on.
She borrowed 'em from me.
Eddie, that's a perfect gift.
There's one thing, Dad.
Okay. What's that?
Cherry's a little bit.. .fat.
But that's not important.
Oh, of course it's not important
at all. I mean...
Some of the kids call her fatso,
but I would never
call her fatso.
Yeah, well,
I'm very glad, Eddie.
Oh, that's us. Here we go.
Here we go again.
Let's see now.
Come on, Eddie.
That's, uh, 3:45.
That's the wood burning
demonstration, I believe.
-Dad?
-Yeah?
-Dad.
-Yes?
Oh, I'm sorry.
What is it?
When you meet Cherry,
don't look surprised, okay?
Okay.
I wouldn't want
to hurt her feelings.
Oh, Eddie. You're a prince.
Now I've made a list here,
and I'd appreciate
it if you would...
He's gonna be
a real great ballplayer
if he gets more control
over where that ball goes.
Thanks a lot again.
You're sure welcome.
Thanks for coming.
Thank you so much.
Oh, Eddie, I wouldn't have
missed this for the world.
I guess you really like
baseball a lot, huh?
I like it, I guess.
Oh, like it?
It's his whole life!
And your little friend,
what's her name
uh, Cherry, she must
like to watch you play.
Look, I didn't say a word, son.
-Did I say something?
-No, no, no. It's...
Listen, I'll be
along in a minute.
Goodbye, Eddie.
I had a wonderful time.
Bye.
You told her.
I did not tell her.
Then how did she know?
Eddie, you were
practically standing
on your head all afternoon
for this little girl.
Now, why shouldn't she know?
You mean Rita guessed?
That's exactly what I mean.
Is she a fortune-teller
or something?
Listen, I don't like Rita, Dad.
She butts in.
Don't you like Elizabeth?
Like, what if you marry Rita
and she knows everything?
Stop it!
All right, now let's get
this one thing straight.
You're a boy, and I'm a man.
And when you grow up,
you'll live your life.
I live my life.
That's what a man's
supposed to do.
I'm gonna tell you
something, Eddie.
I'm gonna ask Rita
to marry me.
That's the way it is, Eddie.
Try to understand.
Hi, Eddie!
Gee, your father's nice.
-I like him --
-Aw, shut up.
Oh! Care for a brandy?
Right. I'll get it.
Oh, dear.
What's the matter?
I look over-danced, over-tired,
over-fed, over-hiked
through-summer-camp.
In short,
I'm deliciously exhausted!
Good.
Then I'll take advantage
of your weakened condition
and come right out with it now.
Sounds ominous.
Out with what?
You care to sit down?
Aren't I? Oh, right.
Fire one.
Well, it's only one,
and I don't think you're
gonna be very surprised.
Shall I get down on one knee?
What's the matter?
Have I botched it up?
Have I picked the wrong time,
the wrong place?
No, no, Tom, of course not.
It's just that...
Well, I think there are
things that we should discuss.
Something that ought to be
cleared up between us, if we...
Mm-hmm. Go ahead.
Tom, I've always
been a realist.
For better or worse,
I've always tried to say
exactly what I think.
Well, there's nothing
wrong with that.
Then surely you must
realize, darling, that...
...Eddie isn't exactly going
to welcome me with open arms.
Eddie?
Well, now, you were
the one who said that
a little bit of jealousy
is perfectly normal.
You just got to give him
a little time, that's all.
He's had time.
He's had plenty of time.
And it hasn't done much good.
But he's only a child.
I mean, surely you and I can
look at this thing
in a mature way?
Exactly.
That's just what
I'm trying to do.
Tom?
If there was some way
that Eddie could go
and spend a few months
with your brother's family
just at first.
Send Eddie away?
Not forever, darling.
Just to give us a chance
to get our life
started together.
That's all I'm asking.
Can you think of anything else?
Eddie's not going
to change suddenly
just because we're married.
It would seem that Eddie
isn't our only problem.
Darling, we must face this.
Now.
I know.
I know.
Hello?
Who's calling?
Just a minute.
Tom, it's the switchboard
operator at your apartment.
Are you here?
Yeah.
Hello?
Mr. Corbett.
Thank goodness I found you!
I've been trying
to get you for three hours.
That summer camp, now
they've called here twice,
and they don't
want to alarm you,
but it seems that
Eddie is missing.
They've sent out
searching parties --
When was this?
W-W-Where, I mean...
Uh, uh, have they notified...
All right, call the camp,
tell them I'm leaving right now.
I'll be there in
a couple of hours.
-Tom, what is it?
-It's Eddie.
-What about Eddie?
-What happened?
-He's gone.
-Tom!
We have three cars out now.
We should be hearing
from them any minute.
They got a helicopter
fixed up with a loudspeaker,
and they're gonna travel
over the north woods area.
They're gonna call the YMCA
camp, and they're forming
two search parties right now.
Well, the boy scouts are
searching the valley.
-How about the lake area?
-We've got men over there.
We can't start dragging
the lake until morning.
That must be 100 feet
deep in some spots.
But Eddie can swim.
I mean, he can swim real well.
Look, Mr. Corbett, why don't we
wait in the bunkhouse?
Yes, Mr. Corbett, we're doing
everything that can be done.
We'll let you know
if we hear anything.
I'm gonna go check again
with the State Highway Patrol.
All right, men,
let's go.
Can I get you a cup of coffee?
No, thank you.
Hi, Mike.
Hi.
Listen, would you --
Would you tell me something?
Sure.
Did -- Would Eddie ever
go into the woods alone?
I mean, did you
ever see him...
do anything
sort of dangerous?
Look, I'm sure he wouldn't mind
I mean, telling me.
I mean, anything to
help me find Eddie.
No.
You see, you're his best friend,
you know?
And, uh, maybe, um,
he'd tell you some plans
he might have had, or...
Or, uh, some sort
of secret, maybe?
You know, something he
might not have told me.
He told me a secret
about something else.
That wouldn't count, though.
Well, maybe it might.
Please, you got to --
You got to help me, Mike.
You got to help me.
You got to tell me.
Well...
He's gonna be a clarinet
player when he grows up.
Gonna practice secretly
and surprise everybody.
He told me he's gonna
surprise even you.
Go to sleep, Mike.
Mr. Corbett,
there's a call for you.
It may be about your son.
They said it was from New York,
Miss Elizabeth Marten.
Hello?
Elizabeth?
How did you know that I...
Where is he?
Shh. He's asleep.
Let's go over to your place,
and I'll tell you what happened.
Well, how did he get here?
Tom, please keep
your voice down.
I don't want to wake him up.
Elizabeth, what is he
trying to do, huh?
And why did he come to you?
Shh! He was upset.
Where are your keys?
He said you were gonna
marry somebody,
and he wanted to do something
about it, so he took off.
Well, he hid in
the back of a truck --
-A truck?
-Shh! Tom!
Please keep your voice down
and open the door.
That meathead kid!
What does he --
Oh, don't be too rough on him.
He's all right.
Isn't that the main
thing right now?
Well, he got off
the truck in Manhattan,
and the police picked him up --
The police?!
They brought him here.
He was looking for me.
That's exactly what I mean!
-Tom!
-Why is he looking for you?
I don't want you
to wake him up!
He's upset,
he's had a bad time!
He's had a bad time?
Do you have any idea what
I've been through tonight?
I know. You've been
through a lot, too.
Well, thank you for
those small crumbs!
Tom, you're not gonna
disturb him until you calm down!
Disturb him? I'm gonna
do a lot more than that!
Don't you touch him!
There now, see what you've done?
Is anything wrong?
All right, what do you want
me to do, huh?
You want me to just
let him run loose,
do anything he likes
just so he crawls back
to rest in your
comforting arms?
Oh, that's a terrible
thing to say.
Look, if he's gonna
come back to anybody,
let him come back to me!
So you can beat him up?
Oh, yes.
Haven't you heard?
Yes, I beat him up all the time.
It's criminal,
what I do to that child.
I-I string him up by the thumbs,
I put bamboo sticks
underneath his fingernails.
It's terrible what I do.
I'm -- I'm an offense
to humanity!
Hello?
Oh. Uh, Rita.
Listen, I-I got there.
It was quite late,
and the whole thing
became sort of involved.
Can I call you back?
All right, go ahead
and say it.
My consort in
criminal offense, huh?
I never mentioned the woman.
Why, you and Eddie
must have had
quite a conversation.
It's a wonder there's any pieces
of Rita left to pick up.
I don't have to stand for this
from you or anybody!
Look, as a matter of record,
she has not done
one single thing
to make this boy
dislike her!
All this nonsense about
this skinny eyes...
Her what?
Not one single thing,
and you make her out
to be some character
out of "Dracula."
I couldn't care less about her!
It -- it's Eddie that
I'm worried about!
Look, would you
please let me think
about Eddie for a change?
He is my son, isn't he?
Everybody knocking
him back and forth,
bouncing him back and forth,
all of this to get to me!
-To get to me, yes!
-To get to...
That is, without a doubt the
most egotistical, sickening...
The irresistible Don Juan,
lines of women climbing
over -- over children
to swoon at your feet!
No trick too devious,
no child too small --
Oh, I can see how your
marriage had to fail.
If you think I'm gonna fall
apart and say I'm sorry,
you're out of luck.
All right, I deserved it.
I'm a louse.
But what is there about you
that I always...
You told me one time that any
woman who walked into that door,
I was afraid might wanna
make it a permanent visit.
Well, you were right.
You see, I always was a...
afraid of getting involved,
afraid of perhaps
being a little disloyal.
But...
Haven't you been
doing the same thing?
What do you mean?
In a different way,
sort of, I...
You never go out at all.
Except with bone doctors.
And you've tied yourself down to
a nursing career for one year.
Why?
Why?
Isn't it because you're
afraid of getting involved?
Isn't it because you're
afraid of another failure?
Isn't that the truth?
It's me, I bet.
I heard you talking loud.
You want to spank me
or something?
It isn't you, Eddie.
You mean Dad made you cry?
Boy, he sure
Is a dope sometimes.
He's not a dope.
You mustn't talk that way.
Your father was very
worried about you,
and I don't blame him.
But I told you --
Never mind what you told me.
What you did was wrong,
Eddie, and I'm ashamed of you.
But --
No buts.
You think Chester would
run out on Matt Dillon?
No, but Matt Dillon
ain't marrying Rita!
But that's strictly
your father's decision,
and you have no right
to interfere.
Now I think you
should go over there
and tell him you're sorry.
You want him to marry Rita?
If that's what he wants to do,
and he loves her, yes.
All right, then.
Eddie.
Yes?
Take your bag.
I don't think you should
come over here anymore.
At least, not for a while.
Dad?
I'm sorry.
Are you going to spank me?
No.
It was bad, what I done.
Don't you want to
yell at me even?
I promise, Dad, from now on,
I'll like Rita.
You'll see.
I'll like her a lot.
And I'll buy her a present
and everything.
Eddie...
Eddie, do you know
what you've put me through?
Yeah.
I wonder.
You know...
you are the most important thing
in the world to me, Eddie.
If anything should
ever happen to you,
if I didn't know where you were
for a day...
or a week...
...I don't know what I'd do.
I guess, I didn't think.
Well, I guess you didn't.
But I won't do it again.
I won't ever
leave you again, Dad.
I won't even go back to camp
unless you want me to.
I'll stay right here with you.
You better get some sleep. Huh?
Sure.
Hello?
Oh, Rita, uh...
I was gonna call you. Um...
What happened to Eddie?
Well, he ran away.
He's home now.
Is he all right?
Oh, yeah, he's fine.
He's fine.
Don't worry about him.
Oh, good.
Well, then we'll --
we'll meet tomorrow for lunch.
Look, you see, I, uh...
may have to take
Eddie back to camp
and, uh, spend
the day with him.
You see, he's very
disturbed at the moment.
And I think I ought
to spend more time with him.
I see.
You understand.
Yes. Yes, of course.
I understand.
Well, we'll make it
some other time, then.
Good night, Rita.
Good night, Tom.
Well, you're all set.
Everything's clean,
and everything's washed up.
Like the birds, Mr. Corbett,
I'm heading south.
Ah, you've been a real
jewel, Mrs. Livingston.
I hate to see you go.
And I hate to leave.
Goodbye, sweetheart.
And I'll send you a postcard
from South America.
-Right.
-In Spanish?
Sure, in Spanish.
Haven't you forgotten something?
Your record.
"Instant Spanish."
I was afraid you'd
bring that up.
What's the matter?
They live in Brazil.
Do you know what that means?
No.
Do you know what
they speak in Brazil?
Portuguese.
Now they tell me.
Well, I can always
join the Peace Corps.
-Goodbye, Mr. Corbett.
-Goodbye.
I'm sorry you didn't
make out with that girl.
But don't give up hope,
and don't let your guard down.
And keep a look out
for the floozies.
Right.
-Goodbye!
-Bye!
Goodbye, Mrs. Livingston.
-Dad?
-Yeah?
What did she mean
about not making out?
Was she talking about Rita?
Yeah, I guess so.
You only saw her once last week.
Come on, Eddie.
Eat your lunch, huh?
Fact is, we're still
very good friends, but...
You don't love her anymore?
Is it my fault?
Look, Eddie.
When you fall in love
with somebody,
or you think you do,
it's for a lot
of different reasons.
And then, when things
don't work out...
...there's a lot of reasons
for that, too.
- Dad?
- Mm-hmm?
I bet Elizabeth
was one of the reasons.
Look, we're not
gonna start playing
guessing games about it.
But we can talk about her
again, can't we?
Sure.
It won't do any good.
She won't even speak to me.
I know. She won't
speak to me, either.
How did she get that mad?
Ah, never mind.
If you ask her for a date,
I bet she'd speak to you.
It's no use, Eddie.
Wouldn't you like
to ask her for a date?
I would.
I would like to very much.
Ah, let's forget about it, huh?
- Dad?
- Mm-hmm?
I got an idea, Dad.
Let's practice.
Practice what?
-Practice asking her for a date.
-Nope.
If you make it
good enough, she --'
-Nope.
-Please, Dad.
We'll make believe
I'm Elizabeth, and you be you.
No, Eddie.
Just ask me, that's all.
I'm home, see?
And I'm looking
plainly out the window.
Looking how?
You know, not happy, not sad.
Just a plain face.
And I sent my cleaning lady
to the movies.
Well, it sounds like
you're, um, kind of anxious.
No, I'm not, my darling man.
Well, not so fast, Eddie.
I mean, Elizabeth just
wouldn't talk like that.
I talk for Elizabeth,
and you talk for you.
Okay, Dad?
Okay.
What did you do today,
Elizabeth?
I didn't do nothing much,
my future husband.
Future husband?
What's wrong with that,
if she loves you, Dad?
And she does. I can tell.
Now, let's see. Where was I?
Is there anything you want
to ask me, my sugar man?
Sugar...?
Well, yes.
As a matter of fact.
I like you very much.
I like you better,
my handsome man.
Would you, uh...
care to have dinner
with me tonight, dear?
Oh, that's good, Dad.
Calling me dear.
That's real good.
Would you?
You bet, my excellent,
strong man!
Just call me tonight
and tomorrow night
and all week!
Well, I'm overwhelmed.
And if you want to,
I'll even marry you.
Just call me --
I mean, her.
Call right now, Dad.
Whoa, wait a minute.
How do I know she's home?
Oh, she's home.
I made sure.
Go on. Go ahead, Dad.
All right, I will.
It's regent 4-8599.
Your phone's ringing!
-What?
-Your telephone!
No, it's not, Eddie.
You better pick it up!
It could be important!
Very important!
Hurry!
Hello?