The Cowboy Killer (2026) Movie Script
(Multicom Jingle)
(wind rustling)
(footsteps shuffle)
(birds chirping)
(truck engine rumbling)
(music playing from truck)
(brakes squeal)
Hey, little lady.
What you doing way out here?
[Millie] Trying to head on home.
Got room for one more?
It's a big truck.
There's always room for one more.
Jeez, innuendo much?
No, I was actually
talking about my truck.
Oh yeah, sure.
Your big truck.
- Roy Thompson.
- Millie Ward.
Hmm.
Hi, Millie.
You know why my daddy named me Millie?
'Cause it's a nice, sweet,
wholesome family type name?
Uh, no.
Uh, 'cause he would
get drunk off Miller Lights
and then slur his words
and say, "It's Milly time."
And right now, it's kinda
feeling like Milly time.
(both laugh)
Well, that's a sweet story, I guess.
[Millie] Uh, actually no.
He was a drunk piece of shit, but
(truck engine rumbling)
[Roy] So where you headed?
Headed wherever you are, babe.
(Roy chuckles)
Oh no.
You don't wanna go there.
You're young.
Me?
I've had nothing but a shitty life,
and shitty last few days.
You know, I thought it was time just to
take a ride off into the sunset,
try to make it memorable.
Oh, but-but then, I see
this pretty little damsel
in distress by the side of the road,
and thought maybe I'd see
if I could come to her rescue.
Well, I appreciate you
coming to my rescue.
I'd hate for you to
have another shitty day.
Think I could help with that.
(Roy laughs)
Oh.
Now look, that's very sweet of you and all,
but (laughs) I'm not looking
for any one night rodeos anymore.
I'm looking for something
special, that will last,
that has meaning.
I promise to make it
special if you can make it last.
If you are as big as your gun,
it's gonna be pretty
meaningful for both of us.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
Think you could be
in for a real damn treat.
And all it's gonna cost you is 200 bucks.
200 bucks?
For what?
For me.
Oh. (Tires screeching)
There's been a mistake.
I thought you were in
need, that's why I stopped.
I am.
I'm in need of 200 bucks.
Yeah, well, that's not gonna happen,
so I'll just drop you
at the next gas station.
(keys jingle) Hey, hey wait!
Nope.
(keys jingle)
Would you give me my keys?
Are you a real cowboy?
Is that why you're dressed so cute?
Can I just have my keys from your chest?
No problem.
You still feel like you made a mistake?
Just give me my keys!
Jesus Christ, what is this?
Are you fucking gay?
No.
I just don't use public toilets.
Sorry, what the fuck
did you just say to me?
[Roy] All right, that's it.
Get out of my truck and give me
Yeah, turns out you did have something
real big for me, Mr. Cowboy.
Now give me everything you fucking got.
What the fuck is wrong with you women?
I try to be nice!
I-I try to help!
I try to be a gentleman,
and all you want is more!
More, more, and then you just,
you leave, and you don't even give a fuck
about what you leave behind!
Shut the fuck up or I'll blow you away!
No you're not!
Now get outta the car!
(Millie panting)
I thought you would be different.
God.
You wonder why everybody leaves you?
You are so pathetic.
You are such a lonely fucking pussy.
Yeah?
Yeah?
Yeah?
Well now you're in for a damn treat!
(gunshot fires)
(Roy breathing heavily)
(dark tense music)
(truck engine rumbles)
(soft country music playing)
Let's keep it there
(dark tense music continues)
(police sirens wailing)
Hey guys, it look cool
with the lights on there?
Come on, man.
Look, guys, do I look like a real cop?
Obie, you know what happens
to my fucking blood sugar
if I don't eat.
Will you shut the fuck up, please?
Hey!
- Oh come on, man.
- You're an asshole.
(Obie laughing)
[Huck] Please!
There's nothing better
than an ice cold Coke
in a glass bottle.
Tastes the same as a can.
No, it doesn't.
Yeah, it does.
Can, glass, plastic, all the same.
You are a fucking idiot.
(sighs) It's the same, I'm telling you.
Will you cut the shit with the lights?
Yeah man, can you fix the car or what?
Hold your goddam horses.
You got a blown head gasket.
So if we have a blown head gasket,
how come you're fucking with the lights?
Never been in a police car.
At least not the front.
Hey by the way, I knew it
was a blown head gasket.
We were driving along,
and there was this pop noise.
Huge barreling of smoke from underneath.
Same thing happened when I was a kid,
so I knew right away, blown head gasket.
Thanks for doing my
job, Officer Head Gasket.
You want me to fix it or what?
How long's it gonna take?
Depends how long it takes
these fucks to finish lunch.
Lunch?
It's 8:30 a.m.
Start our day at four.
It's fucking lunchtime.
Yeah, four a.m.
Where were you?
Well I was, I was sleeping.
Uh, uh, oh yeah.
That's what we fucking thought.
(Leeroy laughs)
[Obie] We can get it
done around, uh, two-ish.
Two-ish, boys?
Yeah, we'll get it done.
Golden Rail happy hour starts at three.
Two for one beer night.
Oh, fuck yeah!
I fucking love railing!
(laughs) Fuck yeah.
Two-ish, huh?
Where is this Golden Rail bar?
- Over there.
- It's over there.
Yeah, we heard.
Over there?
- Don't be a smart ass.
- Sorry, sir.
Go outside, take a right.
It's three doors down.
(belches) It says, "Golden Rail".
Yeah, there's two for
one beer until three p.m.,
so you gotta wait.
Shut the fuck up, Leeroy.
Get back to work.
Just outta curiosity,
how much this gonna cost?
Are you paying for it?
Well no, the department is.
Then why the fuck do you care?
Copy that.
I was just curious.
Okay, well, we're gonna get outta here.
You just call us, uh, two-ish?
Oh yeah.
(blues rock music playing)
Yup.
- Did he say Golden Rail?
- Yeah.
I think he's gonna beat
the shit out of me, too.
[Flannery] You know where that place is?
[Jimmy] Never been in my life.
[Flannery] It's probably a dive bar.
(engine rattling)
You hear that?
Yeah, I hear that.
I'm not deaf.
Guess Obie's not so
good at fixing head gaskets.
Those motherfuckers fucked us.
It ain't a fucking head gasket.
I'm gonna murder those assholes.
Well, should we swing back by there?
Fuck no.
I got shit to do tonight.
We'll go back by there tomorrow.
[Jimmy] (sighs) Copy that.
(pool balls clinking) (rock music playing)
Oh, you fucking suck.
Give me my $10, bitch.
Seymour, you gonna
get the wall fixed or not?
No, fuck that.
No, it's not the fucking wall's fault!
No, it was the... Why is there a wall there?
- No.
- Bella!
Fucking two more beers.
Put it on this asshole's tab. (Laughing)
(door creaking)
- At that rate,
he should buy all night.
- Ah, fuck you guys.
Jeans and a T-shirt
He walks
[Huck] Why'd you hire this guy?
He fucking stinks!
Most people claim
He's just a young man and yet
He looks so old
Sitting down at rest
He lights a cigarette
And then just drove
Family. (Roy sighs)
Jesus Christ, you're the worst.
All right, let me try
to break this shit up.
(pool balls clinking)
That's how you fucking
hit the ball like a man,
you dumb shit!
Hey, how about a whisky, Golden Rail?
The name's Seymour.
Golden Rail's the name of the bar, idiot.
[Huck] You didn't fuck,
- you didn't fucking tell him?
- No.
[Huck] Dude, girl walks,
girl walks into the shop,
blonde, fucking tits out to here.
Here's to pretty women.
Good luck with that.
She's never gonna get anywhere near
that dust-covered pecker of yours.
Just give me another.
[Huck] Are we ever
gonna see your girlfriend?
[Leeroy] Man, we're on a break!
I think she moved to Canada.
(Huck laughing)
Canada.
- You wouldn't know!
- Yeah.
She's exotic.
It's not Canada, it's Brazil.
[Huck] Yeah, Brazil.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Brazil, yup.
Absolutely, sure, sure... Model.
[Huck] Sure, sure.
Yeah, a model.
Okay.
Yeah.
[Leeroy] From Brazil.
[Huck] All right I make this...
Hey, cowboy.
(Roy chuckles)
Ma'am.
I'm Bella Blue.
I'm Roy Thompson.
Howdy, Roy Thompson.
(Roy laughs)
Well, howdy, Bella Blue.
(both chuckling)
Um, can I get you a drink?
I'll have what you're having.
Two more, barkeep!
Got any money, dust pecker?
Plenty.
So why don't you just keep 'em coming?
Well, look at you.
Hmm.
Well, you care to join me?
Only if I can wear your hat.
Oh.
My hat is your hat, pretty lady.
Oh.
(Bella laughs)
To cowboys, the only true gentlemen left.
(glasses clink)
Well, and to cowgirls, who are cuter
than a puppy under the wagon
with their tongue hanging out.
Well, that's just about the cutest thing
I've ever heard.
(Roy laughs)
(Bella exhales)
Well, how about a dance, pretty lady?
I don't think I've ever met someone
who's read my mind so much.
Who wasn't a complete moron.
Bella!
Babe!
The fuck is she doing?
Beer!
Another round!
[Leeroy] Yeah, get off the phone!
(Bella sighs)
With true beauty, there is no illusion.
(Bella chuckles)
Yeah. (Laughing)
Hee-haw!
Huh.
(rock music playing)
What the fuck's Bella doing over there?
Come here, pretty lady!
(Bella giggles)
Being a typical slut.
Man.
Hate when girls do that shit.
They're always playing games.
That's why I don't have a girlfriend.
Can't do it.
Yeah, that's why.
Hey, fuck you! At
least I don't have to worry
about getting cucked by some cowboy.
He looks old enough to
be her fucking grandfather.
No, you're right.
You're right, you're right.
She's just fucking
trying to make me jealous
'cause she's pissed at me.
What'd you cheat on her again?
No, I wish.
No, she wanted me to take
her to some gender reveal party
at her sister's tonight.
I said fuck that!
Yeah, fuck that.
We work all week, man.
Yeah, those are fucking stupid!
We just wanna drink
beers and have some laughs
with straight friends.
And jerk off.
[Both] Hell yeah!
[Roy] Ooh.
(Bella giggles)
I got your soul
And your blue suede shoes
Well hello
Yeah I'm talking to you
I see you burn
All right, fuck this. (Bottle smashes)
- Fuck him up, Huck.
- Yeah, beat him off!
Beat him up!
What the?
You proved your goddam point.
What point, that you're a
stupid fucking piece of shit?
(smack lands) (Bella yelps)
Hey, partner!
That's no way to treat a lady.
(punch thuds) (Huck yelps)
Ah, ah, ah.
Okay, shit slinger! (Rifle cocking)
Drop the fucking pistol!
I said drop it!
Shoot the cow prick!
I'm not gonna ask ya again!
Drop the pistol.
- Kill him, Seymour.
- Yeah!
You're in for a damn treat.
(gunshot fires) (Seymour yelps)
Fucker!
(gunshot fires) (blood squelches)
(Obie crashes)
Hmm.
(gunshot fires) (Leeroy thuds)
You're a fucking dead man!
(gunshot fires)
Singing hi, yi, yi, yi, yo
I'm singing hi, yi, yi, yi, yo
(blood spurting)
(gun crashes)
(Huck thuds)
Well.
How about we finish
that dance, little lady?
(soft music playing)
You can't
Forget her face
You can't
Forget her eyes
So I try to forget
The night
She told you all of those lies
(music fades)
Wow.
Looks like somebody
murdered him for you, Flannery.
I was just talking in
anger back at the car.
I didn't really want him dead.
Who cares?
Went to high school with two of these guys.
Real pricks.
So they had it coming?
Just saying it's gonna
be hard to narrow down
who wanted 'em dead.
Yeah, well I guess that's where my goddam
detective skills are gonna kick in.
Gee, you think?
Man, you're a real dick
when you don't sleep.
Gee, you think?
Fucking idiot. (Playful music)
You know, these guys said
something about being here
at three p.m. for happy hour.
That means they were drinking
for, like, 12 straight hours.
I mean, that's certainly
enough time and alcohol
to make a shootout happen.
We've seen that 100 times.
Oh yeah, but(Huck coughing)
(blood spurts)
Looks like we've got a live one!
Bella.
Hey, paramedics are on the way, okay?
No, they're not.
Seemed like everyone was dead.
I called the coroner.
You moron!
Should I call 'em now?
Gee, you think?
Jesus fuck.
Hey, you like saying that, don't you?
"Gee, you think?"
It's fun, right?
- Hey, shut the fuck up.
- Oh.
Roy.
(Huck panting)
You're gonna be okay, all right?
My girlfriend, she,
- she...
- Yeah, we'll call her, okay?
- Don't worry.
- No!
She-she...
The cowboy must have
(panting) taken her.
The cowboy?
I'm not a prick, by the way.
(Huck growls)
(Huck crashing)
(Flannery clears throat)
Oops.
Cancel the ambulance I take it?
No shit, Sherlock.
Guess we'd better start
looking for this cowboy killer.
You think?
Hey, mop this shit up.
(radio static buzzes)
When you put your arms (Roy chuckles)
You know, the world will truly give you
everything you need, if you just stop
and smell the cacti.
Ooh, she is prickly.
And filled mostly with water.
But damn, if she isn't
something pretty to look at
on a warm summer night. (Chuckles)
Never thought I was gonna meet someone
that was everything I wanted.
Oh, now.
Every sunset, and every sunrise,
why it's just another
chance for you to find
what you truly want.
You just have to want
it, find it, and execute it.
Well, looks like you executed.
I've been searching for
(Roy laughing)
Oh, I have dreamt
about you my entire life!
I just never knew this day would come.
Must've been a lot of
sunrises and sunsets.
Oh. (Both laugh)
Well now, now where are my manners?
Can I get you something
to drink, little lady?
Only if you call me Bella,
and stop calling me little lady and ma'am.
Absolutely.
Ah, here you go.
Bella.
[Bella] To fantasy and reality.
Shall the two never be explained.
(glasses clink)
- Exactly.
(Roy laughs)
Mm.
(Roy sighing)
That's it, straight on.
Loosen up, loosen up.
There you go.
Now put your, yeah, put
your elbow all the way back.
All the way.
Now to the ear.
(snaps fingers) To the ear!
There you go, that's good.
And release.
Now that's good!
You did a good job.
I sure hope we win this year.
It's been a lot of disappointments.
Welcome to life.
This has got to be my last.
It's gone beyond embarrassing to creepy.
Well come on with that negative shit!
Everyone there is, like, 12.
Well, there was a 19-year-old
and his dad last year.
He was there for the
Make a Wish Foundation.
He died the next day.
Look, he's-he's out of the picture.
I know it sounds ruthless,
but this-this'll be a cake walk.
[Stevie] I'm closer
to the senior division
than the youth division.
Help you, fella?
Howdy, sir.
Well, what can I do for you, partner?
Well, I need a tuxedo.
Western style.
So covered in pig shit and bull semen?
No.
I need something with real class,
so I can impress my new bride-to-be.
Well, congratulations, partner!
I think this calls for a drink.
Oh.
Dad, please don't give
the customers alcohol.
Sir.
Your suit is on the house.
There, now he's not a customer.
You can't give away a
suit just so you can drink.
I'm sorry, is this your business?
To this guy, getting married, yay.
Who's the lucky horse?
Well, I finally found me a woman
who is a true ace high.
Well, to-to ace high women.
Where's the Thai food?
We ordered it over an hour ago!
It's on the way. Jesus Christ.
- Is that what the app says?
- Listen to your stupid wife!
Check the app!
I'm not gonna check
the goddam app anymore!
It'll get here when it's here!
I'm not checking the app.
- You're bad at sex.
- We're getting hungry.
You look ugly... This is bullshit.
When you smile.
Go ahead, Martha, that's right.
Just keep talking to yourself.
Makes you look... Dad, please!
- Real sane!
- You're adults!
One of us is.
Well, it sounds to me like you got
a real heifer outta order.
You're talking about a wife
who won't shut the fuck up,
you got it.
Did you just call my mother a cow?
Call 'em like I see 'em, son.
(watch beeping)
- Oh.
Sorry, partner.
We gotta run.
Ravenscrest Archery Tournament.
It's fathers and sons.
We do this every year.
Oh.
Oh now, now that sounds like a true
father son bonding experience.
Oh, I envy you guys.
Well, I appreciate that, friend.
Uh, Martha here, she'll-she'll take care
of that suit for you.
I'm hungry!
(clears throat) Gotta go.
Goddammit to hell.
See ya later, Cowboy Pete.
Just so you know,
nothing's free around here.
My husband's an idiot.
Take a look at that tuxedo book.
Let me know if you find one you like.
Well, ma'am?
Do you have any genuine horse hair?
You know, I like the
smooth, long, blonde type.
You know what I'm talking about.
The kind that eases all your troubles.
That's the dumbest shit I've ever heard.
(worker laughing)
Long, blonde horse hair
that eases all your troubles?
Yeah, well.
Sorry, ma'am.
It's just my preference.
You know there's nothing like a good horse.
My husband is a horse's ass.
You can have him.
I'm straight.
Yeah, right.
Horse fucker.
(dark tense music)
(Roy chuckles)
(Roy makes gunshot noise)
(Roy chuckling)
(Stevie exhales)
Always keep some spares in the car.
My dad taught me that.
Warm car beers do it for you, dad?
I'll take anything at this point.
Any goddam thing!
- Any!
- Dad!
Dad!
Jeez, cut it out.
You're scaring me.
Glad I'm not married.
Amen!
A-fucking-men!
I'm gonna get the gear out.
Okay. (Coughs)
Okay!
It's just hard to watch you.
[Ernie] (coughing) Okay!
Everyone's a winner.
See ya out there.
I'm gonna fuck you up.
You called off again for the last time.
You're fired.
You were a shitty security guard anyway!
(chuckles) Well, uh, I'm
yours if you need me, ma'am.
Tell you what.
You let me stay here with my cot
and my beloved Bella,
and I'll work for free
as your night security.
Free?
You're hired.
You start tonight.
Well thank you, ma'am.
You won't regret it.
I doubt that.
I pretty much regret
everything up to this point.
Well, not anymore.
It's a pleasure being in
business with you, ma'am.
Just don't steal anything
or have intercourse in here.
Well, I won't do one of those.
Seriously.
No pounding.
But they call me the Poundmaster.
(both laughing)
Seriously?
(bright upbeat music)
(car engine stops)
[Ernie] I am so proud of you!
Every, did you see their faces?
Everybody sucks
How can you be excited
that your 45-year-old son
beat seven fifth graders
in an archery competition
at the park?
Screw that loser talk!
Age doesn't matter.
Winning is winning.
You work a full-time job,
and you still managed to win!
Their parents still wipe
their asses, so fuck them!
Don't diminish our accomplishment.
This is great.
Great for you, great for me.
Take the win, you little shit.
An episode of drunk Dr. Phil.
Hey, why do you think the door's open?
You think mom's okay?
I hope not.
(soft tense music)
Never leave the door open.
She hates when bugs get in here.
Mommy?
Are you okay?
- Mommy?
- Mom?
Did you sew your mouth shut yet?
Mom?
Mom?
Smells like Thai food.
Get up, Martha!
Stop sleeping on the job!
(tense music)
Mom?
Martha!
Martha?
What the fuck?
(dramatic music)
What the hell?
I never should have left you, mom!
I never should have
went... Thank you, Jesus.
[Stevie] To the competition!
I hate archery!
Yeah, she's dead, Rick, there's
Yeah, Rick, come on.
Have some respect.
There's so many bullets in her.
Yeah, the family's right
over here, you know?
- Yeah.
- This is what I do.
Clean this up.
Hey, boys.
I'm really sorry about your loss.
Thanks.
Means a lot.
Yeah no, really, that was a brutal death.
I've never seen that
much blood in one spot,
and I wanna... Hey, shut up.
Would you go outside and wait?
Again, guys, very sorry.
Yeah, okay, we got it.
Go.
Did you guys see anybody
suspicious around here today?
No, just ordinary folks.
Just ordinary folks?
What's wrong with you?
Right before we left, some smiling cowboy
dressed in full Western attire
came in and said he was getting married.
He needed a tux.
It was anything but ordinary!
You invited him in!
Wait, did you say a smiling cowboy?
Hey, careful with my mom!
Sorry, man.
My sciatica's really acting up today.
She wishes she had your problems!
I'm sorry, brother.
I'm sorry.
Um, maybe you should have a drink.
(Rick grunting)
(Stevie groans)
Oh, how do you drink that?
Mama!
[Flannery] Where the hell'd you get that?
Taco cart rolled by.
[Flannery] You didn't get one for me?
I did, but you took too long.
(Flannery scoffs)
I thought you were on that keto diet.
Yeah, I was.
But honestly, I got too sad.
You know, it looks like we might have
a serial killer on our hands.
The only person that was
in there today was a cowboy.
- Cowboy?
- Yeah.
That's pretty general.
I mean, a lot of guys
walking around like cowboys.
Yeah, but you remember that
guy who was on his deathbed,
that you called a prick?
Right, he mentioned the cowboy.
You know, I feel bad about that.
Can't believe he heard me.
Yeah, well you're going to hell.
(car engine starts)
Yourself, dammit.
Jesus, come on.
My back, my sciatica.
(Rick groaning)
(Roy playing harmonica)
(crickets chirping)
Play something for me, baby.
(soft music)
Everything I play
is all for you, my love.
(Roy sighs)
You know, if we are gonna get married,
I need to see my father.
As you should, baby.
I mean, family's the most important thing.
But I need to see him tonight.
Well, could we get some food first?
What are you thinking?
Greasy diner burgers,
and fries and a milkshake.
(Roy laughs)
I have never loved someone so much!
Oh!
Now, you wait right here, my love,
and I'm gonna go get you a chariot,
so you won't have to move a muscle!
Oh.
Wait right here.
(Bella sighs)
(phones ringing)
Back off with that shit.
[Jimmy] We got him.
Roy Thompson.
Who the hell is that?
The Cowboy Killer.
He took out a wedding announcement
with the girl he kidnapped
from the bar, Bella Blue.
Wait, Bella Blue?
I-I went to school with
a guy named Barry Blue.
Did you not know her name 'til right now?
Hey man, I'm old as fuck.
I can't remember shit.
Well, I guess it could be her dad.
Well if it is, he's dead.
He went skydiving drunk.
He didn't even go for the parachute.
He went all the way
down laughing until splat.
How do you know he was laughing?
He had a GoPro.
They showed the footage at the funeral,
and even had the theme
from "MASH" playing over it.
"Suicide is Painless"?
Well, I guess if you're
laughing all the way in
like Barry, yes.
Morning, Chief.
Hey, Chief.
Morning, boys.
Man, I am tired as hell.
Seems the more I sleep,
the more I need to sleep.
Yeah, we can all agree there.
Good, 'cause I'm gonna
go sleep in my office.
Do not wake me unless
it's absolutely necessary.
- Copy that.
- 10-4, Chief!
(engine rumbling)
10733 Saddle Lane.
This is it.
No vehicle.
Should we come back later?
No.
I'll take the back, you take the front.
Remember, have your gun ready to go.
In case this fuck wad
tries any shit, shoot to kill.
I'll just shoot normal.
Just check out the
front and watch your ass.
(cartridge clatters)
(Jimmy grunts)
(suspenseful music)
(soft expectant music)
(hinge creaks)
(window creaks)
No answer.
Fuck! You scared the shit out of me!
Gross.
Not literally.
No answer?
No, I just said, no answer.
Well maybe he's on the shitter.
Let's go knock on the front door again.
(Jimmy sighs)
I knocked.
Where'd you get that?
Jacket pocket.
I didn't have time to have
breakfast this morning.
Man, you are a piece of work.
You have to have breakfast, Flannery.
Jeez.
Hey, what are you doing?
We don't have a warrant.
Well fuck all that protocol bullshit.
You know what, man?
I say I don't give a fuck.
I just wanna solve this and
go home so we can watch TV.
Now get out your weapon.
(Jimmy sighs)
- Police!
- Hello?
(tense music)
Hey, I think we're good!
We're not good 'til you check the closet,
under the bed, every inch.
Looking pretty good out here.
All clear in the back!
I mean, I didn't check the toilet for him.
(door creaks)
Stop doing that, man.
Hey, why do you think
he used his real name
with that wedding announcement?
It doesn't make any sense.
All these sickos are the same.
They love the crime, but they
love the attention even more.
Oh yeah, like the BTK Killer.
He used to leave notes in the paper to cops
before he killed his victims.
Goddam BTK.
Hey.
There's a phone number in here.
It's that fucking cowboy.
He's messing with us.
He wanted us to find that.
[Jimmy] I mean, should I call it?
[Flannery] Gee, you think?
(buttons beeping)
(call dialing)
[Wally] Hello, Whitley's.
- Who's this?
- Whitley's.
Whitley who?
[Wally] Enough with the
prank calls, you stupid kids!
No, this isn't a prank!
(dial tone buzzing)
Hello?
Well that's just great.
You asshole.
You pissed off the one person
that could have given
us a leg up on this deal.
[Jimmy] You told me to call!
Yeah, but I didn't tell you to fuck up!
(Jimmy sighs)
Oh.
Jimmy!
Where you going, Jimmy?
Whitley's.
It's a restaurant.
He was saying Whitley's.
Why didn't you look it up?
Why didn't you?
How far is it?
[Jimmy] Says 30 minutes.
[Flannery] Oh, that's great.
We get to listen to
that fucking head gasket
for the next half an hour.
You know, it sucks
they didn't live at least
one more day to fix it.
[Flannery] Yeah, fucking assholes.
(soft rock music playing)
Ah, I'm taking a nap, Wally!
Call if you need me.
Oh, god.
I think I have to take a shit.
Well, it'll have to wait.
Shut your lazy piece of shit.
Nap.
A nap.
In California
Down by the sea
[Roy] Oh, you're
gonna love the food here.
It's great.
Oh look, there's a
table right there for us.
Hey, just sit anywhere.
We're not busy anyway.
Thanks for acknowledging me.
- I'll be right back, honey.
Okay, you just wait.
Thanks for taking care of me.
I'll be right back! (Both chuckle)
- Hi!
- Oh.
Excuse me, sir.
Uh, well I-I hate to take you away
from your educational literature.
Oh, you saw that.
Oh, well I-I'm gonna go over to your table
in a minute to take your order, cowpoke.
(Roy laughs)
Well actually, partner, that's just it.
Now, I don't want you to come over.
Huh?
I would just like to place my order,
and then have you leave us be,
'cause, well, my beautiful Bella,
she's mighty sick, and
well I would just hate
to have her infect you.
Infect me?
You know something?
That's not the craziest thing I've heard.
One time, this couple
wanted me to serve them
whipped cream in a can
while I watched them suck it.
The can.
Ah.
They gave me seven extra dollars.
They were really nice guys.
Yeah, uh, well.
Tell you what.
Here's $8 just to leave us be.
You got it.
Okay, what do you want?
I want a couple cheeseburgers,
French fries, and two strawberry milkshakes
with whipped cream on
top just to wash it all down,
but please, hold the can sucking.
Leave, (laughing) oh, I am so fried.
I was actually gonna write that down.
Leave out the can sucking!
Oh my.
It's can sucking night.
- Uh.
- Yeah.
(both laugh)
Hey, uh, wake up you lazy
- Huh?
- Piece of shit!
Huh?
Wait, wait, where am I?
And make the, uh, cheeseburgers,
and I'll get the milkshakes.
Okay, okay.
Two double cheeseburgers, two fries.
Oh, but they're gonna be rare.
I still have to take a shit.
(Roy sighs)
He's sure one for the books.
Food will be here any minute.
(casual music playing)
Oh, that's right.
$8 and I'm not getting sick.
Order's up, Lone Ranger.
No can suck! (Giggles)
I'll be right back, darling.
Gee, come on, jeez.
Come on. (Bell dinging)
I don't got all night.
No can, no I'm killing
the joke with the can.
Thank you, partner.
Much appreciated.
Hey, you know, I
appreciate not getting sick.
I just got over chicken pox.
Here you go, my love.
Only the best for you.
Uh, could I ask you
what is she sick with?
Uh, we're still waiting to hear back
from the doctor.
Possibly polio.
Polio?
Thanks a lot for coming in.
Honey, now, let me
season them taters for you.
There you go.
Oh now come on, honey.
You gotta eat.
You haven't eaten all day.
There we go.
(head thuds)
Oh honey, honey.
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
Come on now.
Oh.
You all right now?
- Sir?
- Oh, that's it, honey.
(tense music) That's it.
Is she okay?
Yeah.
Yeah, she's just sick.
Now-now you best go back over there,
'cause you sure don't
wanna get what she's got.
You seem fine.
Now sir, I've warned ya.
Is she breathing?
(Wally gasps)
Now you're in for a real treat.
(gunshot fires)
I hate this job!
(dishes clattering)
(door slams) (Gerald farting)
(dark tense music)
(dark tense music continues)
(Roy rapping on wall)
(Roy raps on wall)
(cocking pistol)
(dark tense music continues)
(Gerald panting)
(dark tense music continues)
[Bella] Roy?
Roy!
Coming, sweetheart!
(Roy scoffs)
All right, honey.
Time to go!
Excuse me, Mr. Cowboy.
Please could you shoot me again?
Pardon me?
I-I don't need to live anymore.
I'm done.
I get it.
Get what?
Life.
It's just meaningless.
You-you have these hopes
things are gonna happen,
like you-you'll get to hang out
with the 86 Mets, and
go to swingers parties.
I don't know what I'm saying, but I try
and do affirmations, and it's enough.
I'm tired.
Please, make it go away.
Well, that's, that's very well-said.
Goodnight, friend.
Thank you.
(gunshot fires) (Wally grunts)
(Roy sighs)
Did you enjoy it, hon?
- Yeah.
- Ah.
Here.
- Let's get going.
- Hmm.
No one ever accused my baby of being cheap.
(both laugh)
Oh, heck.
There. (Both laugh)
Oh, I always have fun with you!
[Bella] Woo!
[Martha] I'll fucking kill you,
you fucking horse fucker!
Get the fuck out of my,
get that fucking gun
out of my fucking face!
Fuck you!
Get it away!
Oh, you are in for a damn treat.
(gunshot fires)
(Roy chuckles)
Well, how about we
finish that dance, little lady?
You gotta be fucking kidding me!
You just shot my boyfriend
and murdered all these people!
Well, maybe next time, then.
(Bella panting)
(gunshot fires)
(Roy blows harmonica)
Oh.
Oh, everything I play,
I play for you, my love.
Oh, my darling
Oh, my darling
Oh, my darling little Bella
You were lost
And gone forever
My little Bella
Now you're mine
Oh my Bella
Oh my Bella
Oh my Bella
(soft tense music)
(Roy laughs)
(rooster crowing)
(Ernie grunting)
This is ridiculous, dad.
We shouldn't be out here.
We were out here when
your mother bit the dust!
I have a feeling we're
supposed to be here now.
You know that sounds
crazy as shit, right?
This whole goddam existence we live
is crazy as shit!
Completely made up of made-up rules.
This is bullshit!
I just wanna avenge mom's death.
Exactly.
Until then, we wait.
And we drink.
I think the liquor has finally rotted
what's left of your brain.
Stevie, I'm not a religious man,
but I do believe in your mother
still giving me shit
even though she's dead,
so we need to follow my gut.
True romance.
Fuck romance.
Good talk.
I'm going for a walk.
Well, that's a good idea.
Clear your head.
Watch out for bears.
And cocks.
(rooster crows)
Poor Wally.
Died like he lived, alone.
[Lori] He's a convicted sex offender.
These guys deserve to die alone.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Pop the brakes on that comment.
He flashed it one time at a hockey game
when his team won.
I mean, he never did it again,
but it smeared his name for life.
And death.
Maybe he flashed again last night, and pow.
Highly doubtful.
Wally was really nice.
I mean, he always gave
me extra French fries.
No, he-he messed up once.
We shouldn't condemn him for it.
Besides, I feel like this was a robbery.
You feel like this was a robbery?
Yeah.
Well take a guess why it wasn't.
Um.
No clue.
Oh.
Look again, jeez.
Oh!
I got it.
(tense music)
What the fuck?
Get that, what are you?
- I'm sorry.
- Out!
- I was tired.
- Out of the way!
- And my gun fell.
- Just, ugh!
Fuck.
Jeez.
[Vanny] Why are you taking my side arm?
I need that, in case you hadn't noticed.
In case you hadn't noticed,
this is a murder scene.
Yeah.
And my gun fell in the bullet wound.
Poor Wally.
[Lori] So tell me,
why isn't this a robbery?
Register's closed.
Yo.
Flannery?
What are you doing here?
Well, judging by the looks of the body,
the same as you.
Do you two know each other?
Yeah.
We used to be partners.
Like husband and wife?
Yes, unfortunately.
Oh, I thought you meant partners like us?
(laughing) Hey, imagine if it was both.
That would be too weird.
Are they, like, married and partners?
That would never work.
We were.
It didn't.
- Oh.
- Oh.
You never answered my question.
Why are you here?
Well, we got a note
from our Cowboy Killer
we're chasing with this
place's phone number on it.
Yeah, he's already killed four people,
at least that we know of.
Hey, psst.
Don't need to tell them that.
Okay, well we got here first,
so this is our crime scene.
And right now, there's no connection
that this is the same guy who
had that stupid phone number,
so piss off.
Oh, well Lori, I can
see you're just as pleasant
as you always were.
Fuck off!
Okay, well.
I guess, uh, we'll leave you
two to clean this mess up.
Help! (Lori gasps)
What the fuck was...
Come out with your hands up!
- It's me, you assholes!
- Who the fuck are you?
- Gerald!
- Gerald!
I'm Gerald!
I'm the cook here!
Lower your freaking guns.
He's the cook.
What happened?
Some yee-haw fuck shot up the place.
Yee-haw fuck!
Bingo, that's our connector!
[Jimmy] Hey, why didn't you run away?
I'm about 148 years old.
Plus the sound of the gunshots
made me shit myself.
(Gerald farting)
Oh.
Guessing that's not
different from a normal day.
I ought a kick the
ever-loving shit out of you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I was just saying it
because I've shit myself
a lot, too, so I can relate.
Gerald, um, what did
this cowboy look like?
I never saw him.
Wally kept saying this
lame cowboy stuff at him,
like, uh, "Cow balls," or
"Doody boy", he called him.
Wait, you mean Howdy Doody?
That's it!
All right, now we're talking.
Sounds like we got our man.
Any idea where he went?
Not a clue!
I told you, I shit myself. (Farts)
Uh, why don't do we go back
to the station and see how this connects
up to your victims?
[Flannery] Oh, you're
being all nice to us
now that you know we're
right. (Jimmy chuckles)
I never said you were right.
I'll tell you what right is.
That cash register is closed.
No thief is gonna
take the time to close it.
Also, on that table is cash,
and no thief is gonna
leave cash out in the open!
I was gonna say that!
[Both] Okay.
You're still a good detective.
An asshole, but a good detective.
I know.
Bitch.
Well, hey!
Hey!
Who's gonna bring me some fresh britches?
Hey?
(Gerald screams)
There's a dead Wally here!
(Gerald sobbing)
A dead Wally!
Okay, so far, we have zero connections
between the victims, other than the killer.
Great wrap-up.
Yeah, we've literally learned nothing
these last few hours.
Ugh, well if Flannery
would stop being so selfish,
maybe we could crack this case.
You said you had facts.
You have shit.
Roy Thompson.
Anyone named Roy is always a deviant.
Right?
Roy Williams.
Roy Rogerse.
Siegfried and Roy.
Did you know the name Roy
is most associated with murderers?
Oh.
Did you know that for a fact?
No.
You're a moron. (Door opening)
So are you.
Hey.
- Piss off.
- Good morning.
Well, not good, but it is morning, I guess.
Jesus, could you be more depressing?
Who are these guys?
Hey, I'm Jimmy, and this is, uh
Flannery?
Operator Carla.
Oh my, it's been like 20 years, at least.
At least.
How've you been?
Well, now that I'm
away from her, just great.
Great, great.
You want a breakfast burrito?
Oh, I knew I smelled breakfast burritos.
Yes, please.
Anyone else?
Good morning, Carla.
I would actually love a burrito.
I literally dream about them.
I'm glad someone appreciates my cooking.
Just give me the stupid thing.
This is without a doubt
the most incredible breakfast burrito
I've ever tried in my entire life.
Oh yeah.
Back when I was with her, and she cooked,
which was rare, it was shitty.
Oh, you're one to talk.
Your idea of a meal for us
was a shitty pizza, and a six pack.
Oh, that's my favorite meal.
Well, besides these incredible burritos.
Same!
I mean, these are so delicious.
I mean, I honestly have
wet dreams about them.
Hell yeah!
What?
Oh god.
Dreams.
Normal dreams.
Dry.
Bone dry dreams.
- Glad you all like them.
- Sure, mm.
I nearly killed my husband this morning
in a fight about them.
He pisses me off so bad some days.
What'd he do?
I woke up at five a.m. to
make them for breakfast.
Oh my god, Carla.
We didn't have any half
and half, like he likes in them,
so I used two percent milk.
He comes down, takes
one bite, spits it in the sink,
and says, "Fucking gross!"
I told him we didn't
have any half and half.
He says, "I could tell!"
He laughs and leaves for work.
Jesus.
What an asshole.
Yeah, he sucks hard.
Boy, this sounds like a piece of work.
Yeah, you should leave that sack of shit.
Alone is so much better,
because you don't have to deal
with someone's negativity and their farting
and their snoring and
their disgusting hygiene,
and their singing!
You can't sing!
Get it?
Oh god, these fucking burritos.
The last 10 years have felt
like mental abuse from hell!
(Carla sobbing)
Um.
Carla, we need to talk.
I would like that.
Okay.
Anywho.
Glad you all like the burritos.
- Mm.
- These are excellent.
- Really.
- Okay.
Enough with the burritos.
Let's move on.
Come on.
Wet dreams.
- Absolutely.
- All right, that's a wrap.
(Jimmy moaning) I can't take it anymore.
You guys gotta... Ew!
Get outta here.
Call me if you have
any information to share.
(Jimmy and Flannery moaning)
I said the dream was dry.
I can't believe he's
even grosser than you are.
(Burgie snoring)
[Roy] Hey, Pops!
- Huh?
- Pops, are you up here?
- Huh?
- Can I come up?
Oh, yeah, yeah!
Come on up!
Come in, grab a seat.
(Burgie groans)
Poured you a little libation there.
(Roy exhales)
Oh.
Aw.
Mm.
So.
Well.
It looks like I come
to the end of the trail
on the little lady front, there.
Well don't give up.
Stick it out.
Come on.
Just, you know, just-just keep her close.
Oh, but I'm worried, dad.
Oh, fuck worrying.
I've learned two things in my life.
Every time I plan for success,
I got the goddam opposite.
More important, whatever moments do come,
if you're satisfied,
then, uh, fuck all the rest.
Hey, here's to Roy and his wife-to-be!
And screw everyone else, huh?
Yeah.
Fuck all the rest.
Mm.
Oh, but I'm still scared shit less, dad!
I don't know what to do!
Oh, god.
Didn't you hear a word I said?
No, but I-I think I might be causing
my Bella some pain. (Soft music)
I think maybe her life
might have been better
if I, if I just hadn't
dragged her into mine.
Who cares?
As long as you're satisfied, she'll be,
she'll be fine.
Just be happy that you're, um,
got a woman to talk to.
Let alone wanna marry you?
I mean, look at you.
I mean, you're dressed
like a friggin' cowboy.
It's the 21st century, for god's sake.
Why do you always do that?
Do what?
Shit on me!
You're always just shitting on me, old man!
Oh, you just calm down.
Or you're gonna get another
damn treat! (Belt snapping)
You're right, dad.
I'm sorry.
You ought a watch that gun.
It's gonna get you into a mess of trouble.
(Roy scoffs)
Yeah, like you didn't?
Yeah, yeah, well.
Just watch yourself, huh?
Life's a bitch, that's for sure.
Look, look.
Be with that girl.
She'll point you in the right direction,
or not.
I gotta go mow a lawn.
Dad, thanks.
What the hell?
Burritos make me wet?
Jimmy, Flannery.
You guys are off the Roy Thompson case.
What?
Why?
You got a complaint
from the other precinct.
You made derogatory comments about women.
You said, "Burritos make me wet"?
Oh wait a goddam second.
Are you serious?
She's the one who said
Hey, I don't want to
hear it. Doesn't matter now.
What's done is done.
If I may please say
something, Chief White?
Detective Vanny is the one
that said eating burritos make her wet.
I was simply repeating it.
Yeah, and Lori, my devil
of an ex-wife, she said
Who cares?
You guys get some time off, so be happy!
Oh, this really pisses me off.
She's the one that said it first!
Hey, no smoking in the office, kid.
Since when?
Since always!
That's a really dumb rule.
No eating, either!
You've had enough cookies!
Put it away.
Put it down right now.
Hey Chief, Chief.
Who was it exactly
that put in the complaint?
Carla Witherspoon.
Oh, fuck that bitch!
- Unbelievable.
- I fucking hate her!
Right.
I've gotta get a nap.
You guys, I don't know,
go home, or something.
Sir, this doesn't make sense.
We're the ones who started chasing him.
We should finish it!
Yeah, Ned.
Come on, we go way back.
Just give us a chance.
It's not up to me, boys.
I'm tired, for god's sake.
I gotta get some rest.
Would you please turn off
the lights when you leave?
This is bullshit!
Yeah, complete bullshit! (Door slams)
You guys are a little rapey.
[Flannery] Who the fuck are you?
(Tido moaning)
Mm. (Laughing)
Another incredible one, hon.
You know when I have
to loosen the old pants,
you know it was a success. (Laughing)
Glad you're not
gonna spit it in the sink!
Are you still pissed about this morning?
It was early.
I was tired.
And that burrito sucked. (Laughing)
Up yours!
Whoa!
Whoa is right!
All you do is insult me
all the goddam time!
I'm over it!
Uh, you forgot.
I did compliment you on the dinner.
By not saying a word to me
as you shoveled food in your face,
and then, and then unbuckling your belt?
Wow!
Another tremendous shitty evening
of you complimenting my dinner!
You know, I'm gonna take a little walk
and let you cool off a bit.
Go!
Blah, blah, blah, blah!
Who cares?
You're the crazy one!
You big dickhead!
Dickhead?
Uh.
Fuck this.
I'm outta here.
Crazy asshole! (Tido grunts)
(door opens and closes) (Carla groans)
(cat chirps)
(Carla kisses cat) (cat purring)
(Carla crying)
(rooster crowing)
(Tido grunting)
I want a divorce.
How 'bout that, Carla?
How 'bout them burritos?
Yeah.
They fucking sucked, honey!
- You hear that?
- Yeah.
If it's the cowboy, you
know what you gotta do, son.
Restrain him and call the police.
Son, he killed your mother.
I'll bash his legs in to stop him
from-from trying to run away!
You smash his brains out with a rock!
[Tido] I'm crazy?
No, no.
You the one who's crazy... Yeah!
[Tido] You the one that's crazy.
What the shit?
No.
First off, how do we
even know it's the cowboy?
This is for your mother!
And if that means
beating her killer to death
with a rock, then that's what
the fuck you're gonna do!
Got it?
Uh, hi!
Hi there.
He's not the cowboy.
Shocking.
No, no.
I've been told I was a
force in the bedroom.
(Tido giggles)
(Tido laughing)
We're straight.
(laughing) No, no, no.
My name is Tido Kowalski.
I live in the neighborhood
back that way with my wife.
My female wife.
You a killer, Tido Kowalski?
Me?
No.
I'm an attorney.
So, worse than a killer.
Don't-don't mind him.
He's, can be a nerd.
What are you guys doing out here?
Uh, camping.
Just two guys.
Camping.
What does it matter?
Just tell him.
Tell me what?
That my dad's a drunk spaz.
Don't, no! (Tido laughs)
My wife, his mother, was killed yesterday
- by a cowboy!
- Oh.
And her spirit may be
leading us to the killer.
I think I know where you're going.
Is that whisky?
Yeah, it is.
We're a little dried up here.
Stay?
Why the hell not?
A ghost wife is better than a live wife.
(both chuckle)
- Amen.
- Amen. (Laughing)
It never ends.
Ah, I am so pissed!
This is probably gonna
be your last one, fellas.
The yelling is getting out of control.
I won't yell anymore, I promise.
Can we just have a
drink without a lecture
from a guy wearing a ship
captain uniform on land?
Christ.
This is a theme bar, asshole.
I like to keep things shipshape.
(upbeat pop music playing)
You know, I'm really glad
that we're away from Lori,
but I am really pissed off that
we were taken off that case.
I say we go after him
and fuck him up anyway!
Yeah!
Did you hear what I just said?
Shh.
I'm quiet.
I'm quiet.
We can't let her win, all right?
This son of a bitch is walking around
dressed like a cowboy.
How long can he blend in?
The BTK Killer.
He'll revisit his murder sites!
- We got him! (Laughing)
- Yeah!
That's it!
Look, I'm very sorry.
It won't happen again, okay?
Shh.
Last warning.
Damn.
That is the smartest
thing you have ever said.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I mean, the BT, that guy.
We-we should start with
the clothing warehouse,
and the bar.
I bet he's just sitting there, jacking off.
Yes!
Gross.
No, no, not that, okay?
I'm talking about your idea.
Oh, yeah.
Just one more drink, and we'll head out
and swoop in and catch that son of a bitch!
We don't wanna swoop too soon.
He'll know we're swooping.
Swoop.
Swoop.
Swoop!
Swoop!
Swoop!
- Yeah!
- Swoop!
- Yes!
- Swoop!
(Flannery laughs) Swoop!
Swoop!
Swoop!
Swoop!
That's it!
You're out!
Hey!
We're goddam cops, okay?
And we're very good at our jobs,
so just piss off, motherfucker.
Swoop.
[Both] Swoop!
Swoop!
Swoop!
Swoop!
Swoop!
Swoop!
Swoop!
Swoop!
- Swoop!
- Hey!
Shut the fuck up, you two morons, will you?
Yeah, shut the fuck
up, you swooping idiots!
We don't care if you're cops or not!
You're two drunks sitting on a bar stool,
taking up space, so shut the fuck up.
Oh, blow it out your ass, grandma.
We'll swoop whenever we want, okay?
You fuck face?
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
There's no need to curse.
Okay?
We-we're sorry.
We just had, tell you what.
We'll buy you a round, huh?
How's that?
(Paul snickers)
Oh no, it's okay.
No-no round is necessary.
Oh yeah, yeah. We're
gonna buy you lots of drinks.
Whiskies, and beers.
But he's not gonna buy anything,
because he's a cheap son of a bitch.
Shut up.
You stupid fucking piece of shit!
You son of a bitch!
Shit.
All hands on deck.
[Flannery] Hey, hey, hey!
(Jimmy shouts)
Hey, no!
This is exciting.
I never get to leave the station.
I just have to answer the damn phones,
and they never stop ringing.
Rein it in, Carla, okay?
Maybe if I do okay, I could come out
on more cases with you?
No. This is a one and done deal.
If Vanny wasn't back at the station puking,
she'd be here.
(knocks on door)
Really?
What the?
- Can I help you?
- Mr. Thompson?
Burgie Thompson?
Who wants to know?
We're detectives investigating
a string of homicides.
Ah.
I ain't seen or heard nothing.
You ladies have a good day.
No, no, no!
Mr. Thompson.
Have you seen your son Roy lately?
My son?
Roy?
Uh.
He hasn't been out this way in years.
If you do see him, would you call us?
No.
(Lori shouts)
God, you pissed him off.
Jeez!
And who said you could talk, anyway?
[Vanny Over Radio] Lori, come in.
It's Vanny.
Vanny, we're at the Thompsons' residence.
[Vanny Over Radio] I
know, but I just got a call
about somebody seeing a cowboy
take a woman into a warehouse.
Okay, send us the address.
We're on our way.
Over and out.
[Vanny Over Radio] Pick me up on the way!
I'm feeling better.
I puked it out.
Most of it.
Uh-oh.
Disgusting.
- Ugh.
- Yuck.
[Lori] God.
Fucking people.
(Roy sighs)
Honey?
- Honey?
- Hmm?
I'm sorry to wake up.
(yawns) You can wake me anytime.
Well, with my, with my dad's blessings,
well, sort of, it's time
to do what we must.
You know I'll do whatever
you want any day you want.
I forgive you, okay?
Now just forgive yourself.
Ah.
I wish it was that easy.
It is.
(soft music)
If it is, then why can't I?
You can, sweetheart.
You have to forgive
everyone for who they are.
Starting with yourself.
That's how we separate
the good from the bad.
Oh.
Oh, well if that's true, mom,
then why did you have to leave papa?
Oh.
Sometimes people shouldn't be together.
But I'm gonna miss you too much, mama.
Missing each other is part of life, Roy.
Maybe papa will change!
And then you can stay, mama!
No, Roy.
I've met someone.
It's time to move on.
Without your son?
I will call and write you often.
No, mama.
No!
I don't want to be alone!
You have your daddy. (Roy whimpers)
He's a much better father than he husband.
- Oh, he is a mean man!
- Shh!
He will take care of you.
And he's a good man.
You remember that.
And don't blame yourself.
You did nothing wrong.
We'll always be together.
Right here.
No, mama.
No, mama.
No, mama, don't go!
(church bells tolling)
No, mama, don't leave!
- No, no, no!
- Roy, sweetheart!
Sweetheart, it's just a dream!
It's just a dream, you're okay.
- You're okay.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Oh, it's just a dream.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
- Just remember.
- Oh.
Dreams come and go, Roy.
But nightmares?
They last forever. (Dark tense music)
(upbeat pop music playing) (both groaning)
Let me win.
I'm obese.
What game are we playing?
- Football?
- Uh.
Football. (Both grunt)
(Paul mumbling)
You're a good dude, man.
What's that?
- Really?
- I love you, man.
Oh. (Laughing)
Ooh.
Don't tell my wife.
- Don't stop.
- Ah.
(waves crashing)
I love booze.
(thunder crashing)
Whoa.
It's getting choppy.
(waves crashing)
Those are big waves
batting down the hatches!
I'm going down with the ship!
I'm not going down with the ship.
(Bailey screams)
(birds chirping)
Rise and shine, sleepyhead!
[Stevie] Go away!
Put the half and half in it this time.
Some people aren't professional drinkers.
(chuckles) Ah, it's gonna
be a great day, Martha.
(shoe splats)
(groans) Son of a bitch!
You gotta shit on me, even
in the afterlife, don't you?
(dreamy music) (Martha laughing)
Good!
That's what you get
for making our son drink.
(soft music)
(soft music continues)
(gate creaking)
Shut up!
Guys.
Guys.
Thanks for picking me up.
I feel so much better.
Don't feel sick at all now.
Speaking of sick, my
husband, who I'm sick of,
wasn't even there when
I woke up this morning.
I didn't care.
I felt relieved.
I felt relieved after the third puke.
Shut... Oops.
Both of you up, for god's sakes!
Ugh, fuck me!
(Marcia cheering)
- Oh, shit.
- Holy tits!
[Carla] Bouncing bazumbas!
Her whole body's on display!
Hey, hey.
Little nipply out, isn't it?
Ma'am, are you okay?
Is someone after you,
or were you hurt?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
That's a lot of questions, Miss Jeopardy.
One at a time.
It was a lot of questions, Lori.
- Oh god.
- Right?
Right.
Ah, it's too hot! (All shriek)
- No!
- Nope!
No, nope, nope!
[Vanny] Let's get those hooters in, okay?
No!
[Carla] Cover up those balloons!
(Marcia laughing)
Balloons? (Laughing)
God, you guys are so funny.
You should start a podcast, for real.
Not you, though.
- Oh, no.
- What's a podcast?
You know, are you on something?
Everything but a dick.
Oh. (All laughing)
And she's funny, too!
Hey, what do you think?
Podcast, party of three?
Shut... Yeah!
Up, all of you.
What are you doing, running
around here half naked?
Well.
Miss ass mullet personality.
I...
(Marcia sighs)
[Lori] Come on, focus!
Um.
I was at a rave.
Microdosing on mushrooms.
But then, micro turned into mega,
and then mega turned into,
just doing all the mushrooms.
Girl, you are so lucky, 'cause look,
one time I took, like, a tiny
teaspoon of mushrooms,
but I took a bite out of the VCR,
and I put my pillow in the air fryer.
(Marcia laughing)
Was the air fryer okay?
Enough!
Enough!
Is the rave in there?
No, dude.
After eating the gallon-sized
bag of mushrooms...
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Focus, come on.
Um.
Oh!
Oh yeah!
I ran into this old cowboy,
and we came back here to hook up.
Cowboy, cowboy, cowboy.
You know, fuck.
Yeah, I know. (Marcia laughing)
Cowboy, it's him.
God.
Is the cowboy... Yee-haw!
Is the cowboy in there?
Oh, uh, yeah!
I was all about his lemon party, you know,
but he wanted to live stream it.
I love a camera, but not when I'm naked.
I'm running for Congress.
Lori.
Lori, we should call for backup.
We got both entrances covered.
Let's just call.
Okay.
What's a lemon party?
(Marcia and Carla laugh)
(Bailey snoring)
(Bailey gasping)
We made it.
We made it!
I need another bottle.
Another bottle!
(boat creaks) (Bailey crashes)
(both snoring) (soft music)
(alarm sounding) (all groaning)
- Honey, answer that!
- It's late!
- Shut it up.
- Oh sorry, guys.
- Answer the phone, asshole!
- Kill yourself.
(all groaning)
- Oh, kill yourself.
- Sleeping.
Five more minutes, dildo!
Five more minutes, indeed.
- Ah.
- Ah.
(call dialing)
Flannery's not answering his phone.
Well you really should wait for backup.
This guy's killed a lot of people.
Okay, I'm calling him one more time,
but if he doesn't answer, we're going in
after this piece of shit.
Well hey, Carla, why
don't you come in as backup?
I got it!
No!
No.
There's a reason they
call her Operator Carla.
Oh.
I'll back you up! (Upbeat
music) (Carla yelps)
With these titties!
- Oh, Jesus! (Marcia laughs)
- Pew, pew, pew!
- Ah, god!
- Pew, pew, pew, pew!
- Oh, disgusting!
- Get her in the van!
- Pew, pew, pew, pew!
- I'll take her!
- Pew, pew!
- Put your jacket on.
- Oh, someone.
- Jacket on, jacket off!
- Oh, god!
Jack it on... Cover the booty!
- Jesus Christ.
- Jack it off! (Laughing)
Ugh! (Vanny laughs)
She's a lot of fun.
You're nuts!
You know that?
Nuts!
Leave me alone!
I've got some serious business to do here.
God, all of you.
You're retarded!
All of you are retarded!
Whoa!
Where the fuck are you?
(arrow whooshes)
(arrow lands)
Oh.
I kinda feel like I'm hogging it.
Anybody else wanna shoot?
How about our recent trophy winner?
I'm still spinning. It's
probably not a good idea for me
to fire arrows right now.
Last thing I wanna do is shoot a weapon.
Maybe use a toilet.
(Tido groaning)
Fire a few.
I gotta take a leak.
See if there's any more libations.
All right, Stevie.
There's a reason you're the champion.
There's a reason you're the champion.
All the chicks.
All the chicks wanna be with you, Stevie.
All the chicks.
(arrow whooshes)
(arrow lands)
(Stevie laughs)
We wanna have your babies, Stevie!
(bow clatters)
(all snoring)
(cellphone rings)
(all groaning)
- Stop it!
- Please!
- It's me.
- Oh.
What?
Ugh, where the hell have you been?
Did you listen to my voicemail?
No.
Are you drunk?
No.
Well, halfway.
Listen to the voicemail
and get your asses over here.
We have the cowboy
cornered in the warehouse.
What?
You-you got him cornered in the warehouse?
The clothing one?
(Vanny huffing)
We have to go in.
(dramatic music)
Okay.
Jimmy!
Jimmy!
Hey, don't you know
sleeping when you see it?
Listen to me, man.
What?
They got the cowboy
cornered in the warehouse.
- Wait, the clothing one?
- The clothing warehouse!
I hope so.
- Let's go!
- Okay.
- I'm awake, I'm awake.
- Come on.
Yeah, get your shit.
- Let's go.
- Okay.
[Flannery] So long, boys!
Yeah.
Why don't you eat a
wheelbarrow full of butt holes?
Call me!
Oh, Jimmy.
Take this.
You might need it.
Let's go.
- Goodbye!
- Goodbye!
Get the cowboy!
Good luck!
Oh!
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
Keep those owls in the trees, missy.
Come on, let's go.
(dark exciting music)
From the grave
That's just a mannequin.
Good lord.
Do you think I'd look good in that?
Go.
Keep going.
(dark exciting music continues)
[Old Man] You know, Rachel,
I find you extremely attractive.
Freeze!
Oh, hi ladies!
Come and join the show.
Oh by the way, I can only use one of you.
Stand up with your hands up!
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm attached to her hip. (Laughing)
Oh, god it's not him.
It's just some old guy
who's taken too much Viagra.
That's disgusting!
Wanna peek?
Why not?
Ugh.
Turn off that live stream!
How many followers you got?
No!
No!
Turn off that live stream, and no!
This is perversion!
Stop it, you bad, bad man!
Where is Flannery?
(Roy panting)
- You feel that?
It beats for me now.
You feel that?
It beats for you now.
And every breath blows
our hearts closer together
with every passing moment.
Ah, I love you, Roy.
But what is it?
Is it me?
Did I do something?
No.
(car approaching)
(tense music)
Where's Lori?
I don't know, man.
Are you sure this is the right warehouse?
They all look the same.
Yeah, this is where he killed Martha.
Wanna go in, huh?
Okay.
You wanna go first?
No.
Okay.
(tense exciting music)
(tense exciting music continues)
- Roy Thompson?
- Lori!
You gents looking for me?
Hey, hey, hey!
Roy Thompson!
Put your hands up.
We got you.
Don't move, you sick fuck.
Howdy, fellas.
Howdy your ass.
Get on the ground.
Get on the ground, on your knees.
(Roy grunts)
- All right.
- Yeah, right now.
[Roy] All right, all right.
All right, look, you
Slow.
Yeah, you got me,
but unfortunately, not soon enough.
Hey Flannery, look.
Oh boy.
The beautiful Bella Blue,
was such a beautiful soul.
Unfortunately, she just
got on the wrong side
of a fellow with a
tortured heart and a gun.
You motherfucker!
Hey Flannery, what are you doing, man?
Look, he'll get punished in prison, okay?
- He'll get fuck-fucked.
- Huh?
It'll all work out.
Not this time.
Barry Blue would want
me to blow this fucker away.
Look, it doesn't matter, okay?
He'll get punished.
He deserves that, but not like this.
Hey, besides, you won.
What are you talking about?
You caught him, not Lori.
Oh, fuck Lori.
(soft music)
Bang.
Cuff him, Jimmy.
Hey, hey! (Dramatic music)
That's it!
All right, drop the gun.
Drop the gun!
Drop it, or I'll shoot him!
Do it, pussy.
Hey, oh, what?
All right, I will! (Jimmy yelping)
No!
No, no, no.
[Roy] Throw it on the bed, go on!
That's my gun.
Now back up.
Back up.
Get there, back to back.
Back to back.
- Sorry, Flannery.
- All right.
It's okay, Jimmy.
Now wait right there.
Ha!
Sorry, boys.
It's not time for old Roy to run off
to the sunset just yet.
Ah, and there, ha!
Ha!
(Roy grunts)
Yeah!
You guys thought you caught Roy Thompson?
Well, what you guys think
you're the Pinkertons, or something, huh?
You just stay there.
No shit.
Hey, at least he didn't tie us up
like we were 69-ing,
you know like that couple
in the home invasion, those two guys?
Would you please shut the fuck up?
Oh, would you both shut the fuck up?
Now, you boys are in for a damn,
a damn!
Fuck it!
All right.
All right, I'm going out that door.
First guy that follows me out,
I'm gonna blow their dick
into the next guy's ass!
Gross.
Well.
What now?
Guess our ending sucks.
Fuck!
We failed.
(Jimmy sighs)
Hey, let's get this rope off.
Ow.
Careful!
- No, no, walk this way.
- Okay, I'm trying.
- Ow!
- Hey, good.
[Jimmy] I hurt my ankle.
[Flannery] How did you hurt your ankle?
[Jimmy] I twisted it when
he was yanking on us.
- Oh, Jesus.
- Ow!
(tense music)
(Roy grunts)
(rooster crowing)
(Roy grunting)
(suspenseful music)
Ernie!
Stevie!
Is that the cowboy?
Hey, come on!
Come on!
Okay.
(rooster crowing)
(tense exciting music)
(Tido farting)
(tense exciting music continues)
(exciting dramatic music)
(slow suspenseful music)
(arrow whooshes)
(gunshot fires)
Oh, shit.
(arrow whooshes and thuds)
(gunshot fires)
(gun clattering)
(Roy crashes)
I got him!
You did it!
I got him!
You got him!
I got him!
You did it!
- My boy!
- Good shot, nerd!
You got him! (Laughing)
You found a toilet!
Yeah! (Laughing) (Tido laughing)
(Roy coughing) (soft solemn music)
(Flannery chuckles)
Nobody's gonna be putting their ass
on that guy's dick.
That was a lot of fun.
(soft dramatic music)
(all cheering)
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
My son got him!
My son got him! (All cheering and laughing)
Happy trails, motherfucker!
1,000 times.
(upbeat blues rock music) (singer scatting)
(upbeat blues rock music continues)
(door opening)
(light switch clicks)
Lights!
Dammit, Jimmy, you fucking cunt!
Why are you such a little bitch, Jimmy?
Sorry, everybody.
I didn't know you were sleeping.
Goodnight.
Fuck.
(upbeat blues rock music continues)
(upbeat blues rock music continues)
(upbeat blues rock music continues)
(upbeat blues rock music continues)
(upbeat blues rock music continues)
(upbeat blues rock music continues)
(singer scatting)
(singer continues scatting)
(singer continues scatting)
(music stops)
(upbeat blues rock music continues)
(music fading)
(soft dreamy music)
(Martha laughing)
Good!
That's what you get
for making our son drink.
Why do all men drink so much?
Not all men do.
Just the dickheads.
So, all men.
But trust me, I was a bartender,
and all men are drunks,
and they're usually pretty bad at sex.
Sex is overrated.
I was so glad once we stopped.
It's better alone, trust me.
Speak for yourself.
I love sex.
Me too.
I love the sensations.
Beat it, Leeroy.
Wait, I thought we had something.
What does it matter?
We're all dead anyhow.
Just have a threesome lifestyle.
Yeah.
I'm no cuck!
Oh, I love a good watching party.
Can you all leave?
I was enjoying my alone time
before this bullshit.
Oh, beat off on the cloud.
[Wally] Oh, I'm glad
the moment I get here
the party's over.
(giggles) Who are you?
I'm Wally.
I was murdered by the Cowboy Killer.
I'm glad to be here.
Wait, you were killed by a cowboy?
Uh... We were killed
- by a cowboy.
- I was killed by a cowboy.
- So were we!
- You were killed by a cowboy?
Cowboy killed me.
Yeah, I was killed by a cowboy.
Right in the bar.
Right in the bar.
That is indeed correct, dear ones.
Yes.
Oh.
It's so good to see you connecting.
Guys, stop the mops.
- Holy hell.
- Lookit.
(laughs) God.
Thank you, God.
And it's true.
All of you were victims
of, what's his name?
Roy Thompson.
Roy Thompson, also
known as the Cowboy Killer.
You've been brought
here as your cleansing
to connect before you
enter an eternity of bliss.
Quick story.
Uh.
It was, wow.
- 2000.
- 2000 years ago, already.
Just, time. (Makes whoosh sound)
2000 years ago, I started heaven
as a small business in college,
and you know, no one thought it would work.
Except one person.
Well, he was sober. (God laughs)
- And a good lay.
- Please.
[Mrs. God] It is possible ladies.
That's right.
If she didn't believe in me,
if she didn't love me, I
don't think I would have
the strength to push heaven.
And look at heaven today.
I mean, we have more followers
than anyone or anything.
2.4 billion followers.
That's great, and all.
But what does that have
to do with us connecting?
Ah, well, you see.
In life, we survive, we thrive,
by having a support group.
And so now this will be
your forever support group.
(church bells tolling)
- Fuck.
Hear that?
Hear that?
That means it's time.
It means it's time for you to enjoy
the heaven which you deserve.
So gather together, and hold hands,
embrace your connection.
You can do it.
Yes, yes, don't be shy.
That's right, close your eyes.
And go to where you
have your deepest desires.
Go to wherever your heart takes you,
and enjoy the journey,
because that will be your new bliss.
Jesus Christ.
We've been waiting.
(wind whooshing)
How did her husband put up with her?
Booze.
(upbeat blues rock music continues)
(music fades)
(Multicom Jingle)
(wind rustling)
(footsteps shuffle)
(birds chirping)
(truck engine rumbling)
(music playing from truck)
(brakes squeal)
Hey, little lady.
What you doing way out here?
[Millie] Trying to head on home.
Got room for one more?
It's a big truck.
There's always room for one more.
Jeez, innuendo much?
No, I was actually
talking about my truck.
Oh yeah, sure.
Your big truck.
- Roy Thompson.
- Millie Ward.
Hmm.
Hi, Millie.
You know why my daddy named me Millie?
'Cause it's a nice, sweet,
wholesome family type name?
Uh, no.
Uh, 'cause he would
get drunk off Miller Lights
and then slur his words
and say, "It's Milly time."
And right now, it's kinda
feeling like Milly time.
(both laugh)
Well, that's a sweet story, I guess.
[Millie] Uh, actually no.
He was a drunk piece of shit, but
(truck engine rumbling)
[Roy] So where you headed?
Headed wherever you are, babe.
(Roy chuckles)
Oh no.
You don't wanna go there.
You're young.
Me?
I've had nothing but a shitty life,
and shitty last few days.
You know, I thought it was time just to
take a ride off into the sunset,
try to make it memorable.
Oh, but-but then, I see
this pretty little damsel
in distress by the side of the road,
and thought maybe I'd see
if I could come to her rescue.
Well, I appreciate you
coming to my rescue.
I'd hate for you to
have another shitty day.
Think I could help with that.
(Roy laughs)
Oh.
Now look, that's very sweet of you and all,
but (laughs) I'm not looking
for any one night rodeos anymore.
I'm looking for something
special, that will last,
that has meaning.
I promise to make it
special if you can make it last.
If you are as big as your gun,
it's gonna be pretty
meaningful for both of us.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
Think you could be
in for a real damn treat.
And all it's gonna cost you is 200 bucks.
200 bucks?
For what?
For me.
Oh. (Tires screeching)
There's been a mistake.
I thought you were in
need, that's why I stopped.
I am.
I'm in need of 200 bucks.
Yeah, well, that's not gonna happen,
so I'll just drop you
at the next gas station.
(keys jingle) Hey, hey wait!
Nope.
(keys jingle)
Would you give me my keys?
Are you a real cowboy?
Is that why you're dressed so cute?
Can I just have my keys from your chest?
No problem.
You still feel like you made a mistake?
Just give me my keys!
Jesus Christ, what is this?
Are you fucking gay?
No.
I just don't use public toilets.
Sorry, what the fuck
did you just say to me?
[Roy] All right, that's it.
Get out of my truck and give me
Yeah, turns out you did have something
real big for me, Mr. Cowboy.
Now give me everything you fucking got.
What the fuck is wrong with you women?
I try to be nice!
I-I try to help!
I try to be a gentleman,
and all you want is more!
More, more, and then you just,
you leave, and you don't even give a fuck
about what you leave behind!
Shut the fuck up or I'll blow you away!
No you're not!
Now get outta the car!
(Millie panting)
I thought you would be different.
God.
You wonder why everybody leaves you?
You are so pathetic.
You are such a lonely fucking pussy.
Yeah?
Yeah?
Yeah?
Well now you're in for a damn treat!
(gunshot fires)
(Roy breathing heavily)
(dark tense music)
(truck engine rumbles)
(soft country music playing)
Let's keep it there
(dark tense music continues)
(police sirens wailing)
Hey guys, it look cool
with the lights on there?
Come on, man.
Look, guys, do I look like a real cop?
Obie, you know what happens
to my fucking blood sugar
if I don't eat.
Will you shut the fuck up, please?
Hey!
- Oh come on, man.
- You're an asshole.
(Obie laughing)
[Huck] Please!
There's nothing better
than an ice cold Coke
in a glass bottle.
Tastes the same as a can.
No, it doesn't.
Yeah, it does.
Can, glass, plastic, all the same.
You are a fucking idiot.
(sighs) It's the same, I'm telling you.
Will you cut the shit with the lights?
Yeah man, can you fix the car or what?
Hold your goddam horses.
You got a blown head gasket.
So if we have a blown head gasket,
how come you're fucking with the lights?
Never been in a police car.
At least not the front.
Hey by the way, I knew it
was a blown head gasket.
We were driving along,
and there was this pop noise.
Huge barreling of smoke from underneath.
Same thing happened when I was a kid,
so I knew right away, blown head gasket.
Thanks for doing my
job, Officer Head Gasket.
You want me to fix it or what?
How long's it gonna take?
Depends how long it takes
these fucks to finish lunch.
Lunch?
It's 8:30 a.m.
Start our day at four.
It's fucking lunchtime.
Yeah, four a.m.
Where were you?
Well I was, I was sleeping.
Uh, uh, oh yeah.
That's what we fucking thought.
(Leeroy laughs)
[Obie] We can get it
done around, uh, two-ish.
Two-ish, boys?
Yeah, we'll get it done.
Golden Rail happy hour starts at three.
Two for one beer night.
Oh, fuck yeah!
I fucking love railing!
(laughs) Fuck yeah.
Two-ish, huh?
Where is this Golden Rail bar?
- Over there.
- It's over there.
Yeah, we heard.
Over there?
- Don't be a smart ass.
- Sorry, sir.
Go outside, take a right.
It's three doors down.
(belches) It says, "Golden Rail".
Yeah, there's two for
one beer until three p.m.,
so you gotta wait.
Shut the fuck up, Leeroy.
Get back to work.
Just outta curiosity,
how much this gonna cost?
Are you paying for it?
Well no, the department is.
Then why the fuck do you care?
Copy that.
I was just curious.
Okay, well, we're gonna get outta here.
You just call us, uh, two-ish?
Oh yeah.
(blues rock music playing)
Yup.
- Did he say Golden Rail?
- Yeah.
I think he's gonna beat
the shit out of me, too.
[Flannery] You know where that place is?
[Jimmy] Never been in my life.
[Flannery] It's probably a dive bar.
(engine rattling)
You hear that?
Yeah, I hear that.
I'm not deaf.
Guess Obie's not so
good at fixing head gaskets.
Those motherfuckers fucked us.
It ain't a fucking head gasket.
I'm gonna murder those assholes.
Well, should we swing back by there?
Fuck no.
I got shit to do tonight.
We'll go back by there tomorrow.
[Jimmy] (sighs) Copy that.
(pool balls clinking) (rock music playing)
Oh, you fucking suck.
Give me my $10, bitch.
Seymour, you gonna
get the wall fixed or not?
No, fuck that.
No, it's not the fucking wall's fault!
No, it was the... Why is there a wall there?
- No.
- Bella!
Fucking two more beers.
Put it on this asshole's tab. (Laughing)
(door creaking)
- At that rate,
he should buy all night.
- Ah, fuck you guys.
Jeans and a T-shirt
He walks
[Huck] Why'd you hire this guy?
He fucking stinks!
Most people claim
He's just a young man and yet
He looks so old
Sitting down at rest
He lights a cigarette
And then just drove
Family. (Roy sighs)
Jesus Christ, you're the worst.
All right, let me try
to break this shit up.
(pool balls clinking)
That's how you fucking
hit the ball like a man,
you dumb shit!
Hey, how about a whisky, Golden Rail?
The name's Seymour.
Golden Rail's the name of the bar, idiot.
[Huck] You didn't fuck,
- you didn't fucking tell him?
- No.
[Huck] Dude, girl walks,
girl walks into the shop,
blonde, fucking tits out to here.
Here's to pretty women.
Good luck with that.
She's never gonna get anywhere near
that dust-covered pecker of yours.
Just give me another.
[Huck] Are we ever
gonna see your girlfriend?
[Leeroy] Man, we're on a break!
I think she moved to Canada.
(Huck laughing)
Canada.
- You wouldn't know!
- Yeah.
She's exotic.
It's not Canada, it's Brazil.
[Huck] Yeah, Brazil.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Brazil, yup.
Absolutely, sure, sure... Model.
[Huck] Sure, sure.
Yeah, a model.
Okay.
Yeah.
[Leeroy] From Brazil.
[Huck] All right I make this...
Hey, cowboy.
(Roy chuckles)
Ma'am.
I'm Bella Blue.
I'm Roy Thompson.
Howdy, Roy Thompson.
(Roy laughs)
Well, howdy, Bella Blue.
(both chuckling)
Um, can I get you a drink?
I'll have what you're having.
Two more, barkeep!
Got any money, dust pecker?
Plenty.
So why don't you just keep 'em coming?
Well, look at you.
Hmm.
Well, you care to join me?
Only if I can wear your hat.
Oh.
My hat is your hat, pretty lady.
Oh.
(Bella laughs)
To cowboys, the only true gentlemen left.
(glasses clink)
Well, and to cowgirls, who are cuter
than a puppy under the wagon
with their tongue hanging out.
Well, that's just about the cutest thing
I've ever heard.
(Roy laughs)
(Bella exhales)
Well, how about a dance, pretty lady?
I don't think I've ever met someone
who's read my mind so much.
Who wasn't a complete moron.
Bella!
Babe!
The fuck is she doing?
Beer!
Another round!
[Leeroy] Yeah, get off the phone!
(Bella sighs)
With true beauty, there is no illusion.
(Bella chuckles)
Yeah. (Laughing)
Hee-haw!
Huh.
(rock music playing)
What the fuck's Bella doing over there?
Come here, pretty lady!
(Bella giggles)
Being a typical slut.
Man.
Hate when girls do that shit.
They're always playing games.
That's why I don't have a girlfriend.
Can't do it.
Yeah, that's why.
Hey, fuck you! At
least I don't have to worry
about getting cucked by some cowboy.
He looks old enough to
be her fucking grandfather.
No, you're right.
You're right, you're right.
She's just fucking
trying to make me jealous
'cause she's pissed at me.
What'd you cheat on her again?
No, I wish.
No, she wanted me to take
her to some gender reveal party
at her sister's tonight.
I said fuck that!
Yeah, fuck that.
We work all week, man.
Yeah, those are fucking stupid!
We just wanna drink
beers and have some laughs
with straight friends.
And jerk off.
[Both] Hell yeah!
[Roy] Ooh.
(Bella giggles)
I got your soul
And your blue suede shoes
Well hello
Yeah I'm talking to you
I see you burn
All right, fuck this. (Bottle smashes)
- Fuck him up, Huck.
- Yeah, beat him off!
Beat him up!
What the?
You proved your goddam point.
What point, that you're a
stupid fucking piece of shit?
(smack lands) (Bella yelps)
Hey, partner!
That's no way to treat a lady.
(punch thuds) (Huck yelps)
Ah, ah, ah.
Okay, shit slinger! (Rifle cocking)
Drop the fucking pistol!
I said drop it!
Shoot the cow prick!
I'm not gonna ask ya again!
Drop the pistol.
- Kill him, Seymour.
- Yeah!
You're in for a damn treat.
(gunshot fires) (Seymour yelps)
Fucker!
(gunshot fires) (blood squelches)
(Obie crashes)
Hmm.
(gunshot fires) (Leeroy thuds)
You're a fucking dead man!
(gunshot fires)
Singing hi, yi, yi, yi, yo
I'm singing hi, yi, yi, yi, yo
(blood spurting)
(gun crashes)
(Huck thuds)
Well.
How about we finish
that dance, little lady?
(soft music playing)
You can't
Forget her face
You can't
Forget her eyes
So I try to forget
The night
She told you all of those lies
(music fades)
Wow.
Looks like somebody
murdered him for you, Flannery.
I was just talking in
anger back at the car.
I didn't really want him dead.
Who cares?
Went to high school with two of these guys.
Real pricks.
So they had it coming?
Just saying it's gonna
be hard to narrow down
who wanted 'em dead.
Yeah, well I guess that's where my goddam
detective skills are gonna kick in.
Gee, you think?
Man, you're a real dick
when you don't sleep.
Gee, you think?
Fucking idiot. (Playful music)
You know, these guys said
something about being here
at three p.m. for happy hour.
That means they were drinking
for, like, 12 straight hours.
I mean, that's certainly
enough time and alcohol
to make a shootout happen.
We've seen that 100 times.
Oh yeah, but(Huck coughing)
(blood spurts)
Looks like we've got a live one!
Bella.
Hey, paramedics are on the way, okay?
No, they're not.
Seemed like everyone was dead.
I called the coroner.
You moron!
Should I call 'em now?
Gee, you think?
Jesus fuck.
Hey, you like saying that, don't you?
"Gee, you think?"
It's fun, right?
- Hey, shut the fuck up.
- Oh.
Roy.
(Huck panting)
You're gonna be okay, all right?
My girlfriend, she,
- she...
- Yeah, we'll call her, okay?
- Don't worry.
- No!
She-she...
The cowboy must have
(panting) taken her.
The cowboy?
I'm not a prick, by the way.
(Huck growls)
(Huck crashing)
(Flannery clears throat)
Oops.
Cancel the ambulance I take it?
No shit, Sherlock.
Guess we'd better start
looking for this cowboy killer.
You think?
Hey, mop this shit up.
(radio static buzzes)
When you put your arms (Roy chuckles)
You know, the world will truly give you
everything you need, if you just stop
and smell the cacti.
Ooh, she is prickly.
And filled mostly with water.
But damn, if she isn't
something pretty to look at
on a warm summer night. (Chuckles)
Never thought I was gonna meet someone
that was everything I wanted.
Oh, now.
Every sunset, and every sunrise,
why it's just another
chance for you to find
what you truly want.
You just have to want
it, find it, and execute it.
Well, looks like you executed.
I've been searching for
(Roy laughing)
Oh, I have dreamt
about you my entire life!
I just never knew this day would come.
Must've been a lot of
sunrises and sunsets.
Oh. (Both laugh)
Well now, now where are my manners?
Can I get you something
to drink, little lady?
Only if you call me Bella,
and stop calling me little lady and ma'am.
Absolutely.
Ah, here you go.
Bella.
[Bella] To fantasy and reality.
Shall the two never be explained.
(glasses clink)
- Exactly.
(Roy laughs)
Mm.
(Roy sighing)
That's it, straight on.
Loosen up, loosen up.
There you go.
Now put your, yeah, put
your elbow all the way back.
All the way.
Now to the ear.
(snaps fingers) To the ear!
There you go, that's good.
And release.
Now that's good!
You did a good job.
I sure hope we win this year.
It's been a lot of disappointments.
Welcome to life.
This has got to be my last.
It's gone beyond embarrassing to creepy.
Well come on with that negative shit!
Everyone there is, like, 12.
Well, there was a 19-year-old
and his dad last year.
He was there for the
Make a Wish Foundation.
He died the next day.
Look, he's-he's out of the picture.
I know it sounds ruthless,
but this-this'll be a cake walk.
[Stevie] I'm closer
to the senior division
than the youth division.
Help you, fella?
Howdy, sir.
Well, what can I do for you, partner?
Well, I need a tuxedo.
Western style.
So covered in pig shit and bull semen?
No.
I need something with real class,
so I can impress my new bride-to-be.
Well, congratulations, partner!
I think this calls for a drink.
Oh.
Dad, please don't give
the customers alcohol.
Sir.
Your suit is on the house.
There, now he's not a customer.
You can't give away a
suit just so you can drink.
I'm sorry, is this your business?
To this guy, getting married, yay.
Who's the lucky horse?
Well, I finally found me a woman
who is a true ace high.
Well, to-to ace high women.
Where's the Thai food?
We ordered it over an hour ago!
It's on the way. Jesus Christ.
- Is that what the app says?
- Listen to your stupid wife!
Check the app!
I'm not gonna check
the goddam app anymore!
It'll get here when it's here!
I'm not checking the app.
- You're bad at sex.
- We're getting hungry.
You look ugly... This is bullshit.
When you smile.
Go ahead, Martha, that's right.
Just keep talking to yourself.
Makes you look... Dad, please!
- Real sane!
- You're adults!
One of us is.
Well, it sounds to me like you got
a real heifer outta order.
You're talking about a wife
who won't shut the fuck up,
you got it.
Did you just call my mother a cow?
Call 'em like I see 'em, son.
(watch beeping)
- Oh.
Sorry, partner.
We gotta run.
Ravenscrest Archery Tournament.
It's fathers and sons.
We do this every year.
Oh.
Oh now, now that sounds like a true
father son bonding experience.
Oh, I envy you guys.
Well, I appreciate that, friend.
Uh, Martha here, she'll-she'll take care
of that suit for you.
I'm hungry!
(clears throat) Gotta go.
Goddammit to hell.
See ya later, Cowboy Pete.
Just so you know,
nothing's free around here.
My husband's an idiot.
Take a look at that tuxedo book.
Let me know if you find one you like.
Well, ma'am?
Do you have any genuine horse hair?
You know, I like the
smooth, long, blonde type.
You know what I'm talking about.
The kind that eases all your troubles.
That's the dumbest shit I've ever heard.
(worker laughing)
Long, blonde horse hair
that eases all your troubles?
Yeah, well.
Sorry, ma'am.
It's just my preference.
You know there's nothing like a good horse.
My husband is a horse's ass.
You can have him.
I'm straight.
Yeah, right.
Horse fucker.
(dark tense music)
(Roy chuckles)
(Roy makes gunshot noise)
(Roy chuckling)
(Stevie exhales)
Always keep some spares in the car.
My dad taught me that.
Warm car beers do it for you, dad?
I'll take anything at this point.
Any goddam thing!
- Any!
- Dad!
Dad!
Jeez, cut it out.
You're scaring me.
Glad I'm not married.
Amen!
A-fucking-men!
I'm gonna get the gear out.
Okay. (Coughs)
Okay!
It's just hard to watch you.
[Ernie] (coughing) Okay!
Everyone's a winner.
See ya out there.
I'm gonna fuck you up.
You called off again for the last time.
You're fired.
You were a shitty security guard anyway!
(chuckles) Well, uh, I'm
yours if you need me, ma'am.
Tell you what.
You let me stay here with my cot
and my beloved Bella,
and I'll work for free
as your night security.
Free?
You're hired.
You start tonight.
Well thank you, ma'am.
You won't regret it.
I doubt that.
I pretty much regret
everything up to this point.
Well, not anymore.
It's a pleasure being in
business with you, ma'am.
Just don't steal anything
or have intercourse in here.
Well, I won't do one of those.
Seriously.
No pounding.
But they call me the Poundmaster.
(both laughing)
Seriously?
(bright upbeat music)
(car engine stops)
[Ernie] I am so proud of you!
Every, did you see their faces?
Everybody sucks
How can you be excited
that your 45-year-old son
beat seven fifth graders
in an archery competition
at the park?
Screw that loser talk!
Age doesn't matter.
Winning is winning.
You work a full-time job,
and you still managed to win!
Their parents still wipe
their asses, so fuck them!
Don't diminish our accomplishment.
This is great.
Great for you, great for me.
Take the win, you little shit.
An episode of drunk Dr. Phil.
Hey, why do you think the door's open?
You think mom's okay?
I hope not.
(soft tense music)
Never leave the door open.
She hates when bugs get in here.
Mommy?
Are you okay?
- Mommy?
- Mom?
Did you sew your mouth shut yet?
Mom?
Mom?
Smells like Thai food.
Get up, Martha!
Stop sleeping on the job!
(tense music)
Mom?
Martha!
Martha?
What the fuck?
(dramatic music)
What the hell?
I never should have left you, mom!
I never should have
went... Thank you, Jesus.
[Stevie] To the competition!
I hate archery!
Yeah, she's dead, Rick, there's
Yeah, Rick, come on.
Have some respect.
There's so many bullets in her.
Yeah, the family's right
over here, you know?
- Yeah.
- This is what I do.
Clean this up.
Hey, boys.
I'm really sorry about your loss.
Thanks.
Means a lot.
Yeah no, really, that was a brutal death.
I've never seen that
much blood in one spot,
and I wanna... Hey, shut up.
Would you go outside and wait?
Again, guys, very sorry.
Yeah, okay, we got it.
Go.
Did you guys see anybody
suspicious around here today?
No, just ordinary folks.
Just ordinary folks?
What's wrong with you?
Right before we left, some smiling cowboy
dressed in full Western attire
came in and said he was getting married.
He needed a tux.
It was anything but ordinary!
You invited him in!
Wait, did you say a smiling cowboy?
Hey, careful with my mom!
Sorry, man.
My sciatica's really acting up today.
She wishes she had your problems!
I'm sorry, brother.
I'm sorry.
Um, maybe you should have a drink.
(Rick grunting)
(Stevie groans)
Oh, how do you drink that?
Mama!
[Flannery] Where the hell'd you get that?
Taco cart rolled by.
[Flannery] You didn't get one for me?
I did, but you took too long.
(Flannery scoffs)
I thought you were on that keto diet.
Yeah, I was.
But honestly, I got too sad.
You know, it looks like we might have
a serial killer on our hands.
The only person that was
in there today was a cowboy.
- Cowboy?
- Yeah.
That's pretty general.
I mean, a lot of guys
walking around like cowboys.
Yeah, but you remember that
guy who was on his deathbed,
that you called a prick?
Right, he mentioned the cowboy.
You know, I feel bad about that.
Can't believe he heard me.
Yeah, well you're going to hell.
(car engine starts)
Yourself, dammit.
Jesus, come on.
My back, my sciatica.
(Rick groaning)
(Roy playing harmonica)
(crickets chirping)
Play something for me, baby.
(soft music)
Everything I play
is all for you, my love.
(Roy sighs)
You know, if we are gonna get married,
I need to see my father.
As you should, baby.
I mean, family's the most important thing.
But I need to see him tonight.
Well, could we get some food first?
What are you thinking?
Greasy diner burgers,
and fries and a milkshake.
(Roy laughs)
I have never loved someone so much!
Oh!
Now, you wait right here, my love,
and I'm gonna go get you a chariot,
so you won't have to move a muscle!
Oh.
Wait right here.
(Bella sighs)
(phones ringing)
Back off with that shit.
[Jimmy] We got him.
Roy Thompson.
Who the hell is that?
The Cowboy Killer.
He took out a wedding announcement
with the girl he kidnapped
from the bar, Bella Blue.
Wait, Bella Blue?
I-I went to school with
a guy named Barry Blue.
Did you not know her name 'til right now?
Hey man, I'm old as fuck.
I can't remember shit.
Well, I guess it could be her dad.
Well if it is, he's dead.
He went skydiving drunk.
He didn't even go for the parachute.
He went all the way
down laughing until splat.
How do you know he was laughing?
He had a GoPro.
They showed the footage at the funeral,
and even had the theme
from "MASH" playing over it.
"Suicide is Painless"?
Well, I guess if you're
laughing all the way in
like Barry, yes.
Morning, Chief.
Hey, Chief.
Morning, boys.
Man, I am tired as hell.
Seems the more I sleep,
the more I need to sleep.
Yeah, we can all agree there.
Good, 'cause I'm gonna
go sleep in my office.
Do not wake me unless
it's absolutely necessary.
- Copy that.
- 10-4, Chief!
(engine rumbling)
10733 Saddle Lane.
This is it.
No vehicle.
Should we come back later?
No.
I'll take the back, you take the front.
Remember, have your gun ready to go.
In case this fuck wad
tries any shit, shoot to kill.
I'll just shoot normal.
Just check out the
front and watch your ass.
(cartridge clatters)
(Jimmy grunts)
(suspenseful music)
(soft expectant music)
(hinge creaks)
(window creaks)
No answer.
Fuck! You scared the shit out of me!
Gross.
Not literally.
No answer?
No, I just said, no answer.
Well maybe he's on the shitter.
Let's go knock on the front door again.
(Jimmy sighs)
I knocked.
Where'd you get that?
Jacket pocket.
I didn't have time to have
breakfast this morning.
Man, you are a piece of work.
You have to have breakfast, Flannery.
Jeez.
Hey, what are you doing?
We don't have a warrant.
Well fuck all that protocol bullshit.
You know what, man?
I say I don't give a fuck.
I just wanna solve this and
go home so we can watch TV.
Now get out your weapon.
(Jimmy sighs)
- Police!
- Hello?
(tense music)
Hey, I think we're good!
We're not good 'til you check the closet,
under the bed, every inch.
Looking pretty good out here.
All clear in the back!
I mean, I didn't check the toilet for him.
(door creaks)
Stop doing that, man.
Hey, why do you think
he used his real name
with that wedding announcement?
It doesn't make any sense.
All these sickos are the same.
They love the crime, but they
love the attention even more.
Oh yeah, like the BTK Killer.
He used to leave notes in the paper to cops
before he killed his victims.
Goddam BTK.
Hey.
There's a phone number in here.
It's that fucking cowboy.
He's messing with us.
He wanted us to find that.
[Jimmy] I mean, should I call it?
[Flannery] Gee, you think?
(buttons beeping)
(call dialing)
[Wally] Hello, Whitley's.
- Who's this?
- Whitley's.
Whitley who?
[Wally] Enough with the
prank calls, you stupid kids!
No, this isn't a prank!
(dial tone buzzing)
Hello?
Well that's just great.
You asshole.
You pissed off the one person
that could have given
us a leg up on this deal.
[Jimmy] You told me to call!
Yeah, but I didn't tell you to fuck up!
(Jimmy sighs)
Oh.
Jimmy!
Where you going, Jimmy?
Whitley's.
It's a restaurant.
He was saying Whitley's.
Why didn't you look it up?
Why didn't you?
How far is it?
[Jimmy] Says 30 minutes.
[Flannery] Oh, that's great.
We get to listen to
that fucking head gasket
for the next half an hour.
You know, it sucks
they didn't live at least
one more day to fix it.
[Flannery] Yeah, fucking assholes.
(soft rock music playing)
Ah, I'm taking a nap, Wally!
Call if you need me.
Oh, god.
I think I have to take a shit.
Well, it'll have to wait.
Shut your lazy piece of shit.
Nap.
A nap.
In California
Down by the sea
[Roy] Oh, you're
gonna love the food here.
It's great.
Oh look, there's a
table right there for us.
Hey, just sit anywhere.
We're not busy anyway.
Thanks for acknowledging me.
- I'll be right back, honey.
Okay, you just wait.
Thanks for taking care of me.
I'll be right back! (Both chuckle)
- Hi!
- Oh.
Excuse me, sir.
Uh, well I-I hate to take you away
from your educational literature.
Oh, you saw that.
Oh, well I-I'm gonna go over to your table
in a minute to take your order, cowpoke.
(Roy laughs)
Well actually, partner, that's just it.
Now, I don't want you to come over.
Huh?
I would just like to place my order,
and then have you leave us be,
'cause, well, my beautiful Bella,
she's mighty sick, and
well I would just hate
to have her infect you.
Infect me?
You know something?
That's not the craziest thing I've heard.
One time, this couple
wanted me to serve them
whipped cream in a can
while I watched them suck it.
The can.
Ah.
They gave me seven extra dollars.
They were really nice guys.
Yeah, uh, well.
Tell you what.
Here's $8 just to leave us be.
You got it.
Okay, what do you want?
I want a couple cheeseburgers,
French fries, and two strawberry milkshakes
with whipped cream on
top just to wash it all down,
but please, hold the can sucking.
Leave, (laughing) oh, I am so fried.
I was actually gonna write that down.
Leave out the can sucking!
Oh my.
It's can sucking night.
- Uh.
- Yeah.
(both laugh)
Hey, uh, wake up you lazy
- Huh?
- Piece of shit!
Huh?
Wait, wait, where am I?
And make the, uh, cheeseburgers,
and I'll get the milkshakes.
Okay, okay.
Two double cheeseburgers, two fries.
Oh, but they're gonna be rare.
I still have to take a shit.
(Roy sighs)
He's sure one for the books.
Food will be here any minute.
(casual music playing)
Oh, that's right.
$8 and I'm not getting sick.
Order's up, Lone Ranger.
No can suck! (Giggles)
I'll be right back, darling.
Gee, come on, jeez.
Come on. (Bell dinging)
I don't got all night.
No can, no I'm killing
the joke with the can.
Thank you, partner.
Much appreciated.
Hey, you know, I
appreciate not getting sick.
I just got over chicken pox.
Here you go, my love.
Only the best for you.
Uh, could I ask you
what is she sick with?
Uh, we're still waiting to hear back
from the doctor.
Possibly polio.
Polio?
Thanks a lot for coming in.
Honey, now, let me
season them taters for you.
There you go.
Oh now come on, honey.
You gotta eat.
You haven't eaten all day.
There we go.
(head thuds)
Oh honey, honey.
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
Come on now.
Oh.
You all right now?
- Sir?
- Oh, that's it, honey.
(tense music) That's it.
Is she okay?
Yeah.
Yeah, she's just sick.
Now-now you best go back over there,
'cause you sure don't
wanna get what she's got.
You seem fine.
Now sir, I've warned ya.
Is she breathing?
(Wally gasps)
Now you're in for a real treat.
(gunshot fires)
I hate this job!
(dishes clattering)
(door slams) (Gerald farting)
(dark tense music)
(dark tense music continues)
(Roy rapping on wall)
(Roy raps on wall)
(cocking pistol)
(dark tense music continues)
(Gerald panting)
(dark tense music continues)
[Bella] Roy?
Roy!
Coming, sweetheart!
(Roy scoffs)
All right, honey.
Time to go!
Excuse me, Mr. Cowboy.
Please could you shoot me again?
Pardon me?
I-I don't need to live anymore.
I'm done.
I get it.
Get what?
Life.
It's just meaningless.
You-you have these hopes
things are gonna happen,
like you-you'll get to hang out
with the 86 Mets, and
go to swingers parties.
I don't know what I'm saying, but I try
and do affirmations, and it's enough.
I'm tired.
Please, make it go away.
Well, that's, that's very well-said.
Goodnight, friend.
Thank you.
(gunshot fires) (Wally grunts)
(Roy sighs)
Did you enjoy it, hon?
- Yeah.
- Ah.
Here.
- Let's get going.
- Hmm.
No one ever accused my baby of being cheap.
(both laugh)
Oh, heck.
There. (Both laugh)
Oh, I always have fun with you!
[Bella] Woo!
[Martha] I'll fucking kill you,
you fucking horse fucker!
Get the fuck out of my,
get that fucking gun
out of my fucking face!
Fuck you!
Get it away!
Oh, you are in for a damn treat.
(gunshot fires)
(Roy chuckles)
Well, how about we
finish that dance, little lady?
You gotta be fucking kidding me!
You just shot my boyfriend
and murdered all these people!
Well, maybe next time, then.
(Bella panting)
(gunshot fires)
(Roy blows harmonica)
Oh.
Oh, everything I play,
I play for you, my love.
Oh, my darling
Oh, my darling
Oh, my darling little Bella
You were lost
And gone forever
My little Bella
Now you're mine
Oh my Bella
Oh my Bella
Oh my Bella
(soft tense music)
(Roy laughs)
(rooster crowing)
(Ernie grunting)
This is ridiculous, dad.
We shouldn't be out here.
We were out here when
your mother bit the dust!
I have a feeling we're
supposed to be here now.
You know that sounds
crazy as shit, right?
This whole goddam existence we live
is crazy as shit!
Completely made up of made-up rules.
This is bullshit!
I just wanna avenge mom's death.
Exactly.
Until then, we wait.
And we drink.
I think the liquor has finally rotted
what's left of your brain.
Stevie, I'm not a religious man,
but I do believe in your mother
still giving me shit
even though she's dead,
so we need to follow my gut.
True romance.
Fuck romance.
Good talk.
I'm going for a walk.
Well, that's a good idea.
Clear your head.
Watch out for bears.
And cocks.
(rooster crows)
Poor Wally.
Died like he lived, alone.
[Lori] He's a convicted sex offender.
These guys deserve to die alone.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Pop the brakes on that comment.
He flashed it one time at a hockey game
when his team won.
I mean, he never did it again,
but it smeared his name for life.
And death.
Maybe he flashed again last night, and pow.
Highly doubtful.
Wally was really nice.
I mean, he always gave
me extra French fries.
No, he-he messed up once.
We shouldn't condemn him for it.
Besides, I feel like this was a robbery.
You feel like this was a robbery?
Yeah.
Well take a guess why it wasn't.
Um.
No clue.
Oh.
Look again, jeez.
Oh!
I got it.
(tense music)
What the fuck?
Get that, what are you?
- I'm sorry.
- Out!
- I was tired.
- Out of the way!
- And my gun fell.
- Just, ugh!
Fuck.
Jeez.
[Vanny] Why are you taking my side arm?
I need that, in case you hadn't noticed.
In case you hadn't noticed,
this is a murder scene.
Yeah.
And my gun fell in the bullet wound.
Poor Wally.
[Lori] So tell me,
why isn't this a robbery?
Register's closed.
Yo.
Flannery?
What are you doing here?
Well, judging by the looks of the body,
the same as you.
Do you two know each other?
Yeah.
We used to be partners.
Like husband and wife?
Yes, unfortunately.
Oh, I thought you meant partners like us?
(laughing) Hey, imagine if it was both.
That would be too weird.
Are they, like, married and partners?
That would never work.
We were.
It didn't.
- Oh.
- Oh.
You never answered my question.
Why are you here?
Well, we got a note
from our Cowboy Killer
we're chasing with this
place's phone number on it.
Yeah, he's already killed four people,
at least that we know of.
Hey, psst.
Don't need to tell them that.
Okay, well we got here first,
so this is our crime scene.
And right now, there's no connection
that this is the same guy who
had that stupid phone number,
so piss off.
Oh, well Lori, I can
see you're just as pleasant
as you always were.
Fuck off!
Okay, well.
I guess, uh, we'll leave you
two to clean this mess up.
Help! (Lori gasps)
What the fuck was...
Come out with your hands up!
- It's me, you assholes!
- Who the fuck are you?
- Gerald!
- Gerald!
I'm Gerald!
I'm the cook here!
Lower your freaking guns.
He's the cook.
What happened?
Some yee-haw fuck shot up the place.
Yee-haw fuck!
Bingo, that's our connector!
[Jimmy] Hey, why didn't you run away?
I'm about 148 years old.
Plus the sound of the gunshots
made me shit myself.
(Gerald farting)
Oh.
Guessing that's not
different from a normal day.
I ought a kick the
ever-loving shit out of you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I was just saying it
because I've shit myself
a lot, too, so I can relate.
Gerald, um, what did
this cowboy look like?
I never saw him.
Wally kept saying this
lame cowboy stuff at him,
like, uh, "Cow balls," or
"Doody boy", he called him.
Wait, you mean Howdy Doody?
That's it!
All right, now we're talking.
Sounds like we got our man.
Any idea where he went?
Not a clue!
I told you, I shit myself. (Farts)
Uh, why don't do we go back
to the station and see how this connects
up to your victims?
[Flannery] Oh, you're
being all nice to us
now that you know we're
right. (Jimmy chuckles)
I never said you were right.
I'll tell you what right is.
That cash register is closed.
No thief is gonna
take the time to close it.
Also, on that table is cash,
and no thief is gonna
leave cash out in the open!
I was gonna say that!
[Both] Okay.
You're still a good detective.
An asshole, but a good detective.
I know.
Bitch.
Well, hey!
Hey!
Who's gonna bring me some fresh britches?
Hey?
(Gerald screams)
There's a dead Wally here!
(Gerald sobbing)
A dead Wally!
Okay, so far, we have zero connections
between the victims, other than the killer.
Great wrap-up.
Yeah, we've literally learned nothing
these last few hours.
Ugh, well if Flannery
would stop being so selfish,
maybe we could crack this case.
You said you had facts.
You have shit.
Roy Thompson.
Anyone named Roy is always a deviant.
Right?
Roy Williams.
Roy Rogerse.
Siegfried and Roy.
Did you know the name Roy
is most associated with murderers?
Oh.
Did you know that for a fact?
No.
You're a moron. (Door opening)
So are you.
Hey.
- Piss off.
- Good morning.
Well, not good, but it is morning, I guess.
Jesus, could you be more depressing?
Who are these guys?
Hey, I'm Jimmy, and this is, uh
Flannery?
Operator Carla.
Oh my, it's been like 20 years, at least.
At least.
How've you been?
Well, now that I'm
away from her, just great.
Great, great.
You want a breakfast burrito?
Oh, I knew I smelled breakfast burritos.
Yes, please.
Anyone else?
Good morning, Carla.
I would actually love a burrito.
I literally dream about them.
I'm glad someone appreciates my cooking.
Just give me the stupid thing.
This is without a doubt
the most incredible breakfast burrito
I've ever tried in my entire life.
Oh yeah.
Back when I was with her, and she cooked,
which was rare, it was shitty.
Oh, you're one to talk.
Your idea of a meal for us
was a shitty pizza, and a six pack.
Oh, that's my favorite meal.
Well, besides these incredible burritos.
Same!
I mean, these are so delicious.
I mean, I honestly have
wet dreams about them.
Hell yeah!
What?
Oh god.
Dreams.
Normal dreams.
Dry.
Bone dry dreams.
- Glad you all like them.
- Sure, mm.
I nearly killed my husband this morning
in a fight about them.
He pisses me off so bad some days.
What'd he do?
I woke up at five a.m. to
make them for breakfast.
Oh my god, Carla.
We didn't have any half
and half, like he likes in them,
so I used two percent milk.
He comes down, takes
one bite, spits it in the sink,
and says, "Fucking gross!"
I told him we didn't
have any half and half.
He says, "I could tell!"
He laughs and leaves for work.
Jesus.
What an asshole.
Yeah, he sucks hard.
Boy, this sounds like a piece of work.
Yeah, you should leave that sack of shit.
Alone is so much better,
because you don't have to deal
with someone's negativity and their farting
and their snoring and
their disgusting hygiene,
and their singing!
You can't sing!
Get it?
Oh god, these fucking burritos.
The last 10 years have felt
like mental abuse from hell!
(Carla sobbing)
Um.
Carla, we need to talk.
I would like that.
Okay.
Anywho.
Glad you all like the burritos.
- Mm.
- These are excellent.
- Really.
- Okay.
Enough with the burritos.
Let's move on.
Come on.
Wet dreams.
- Absolutely.
- All right, that's a wrap.
(Jimmy moaning) I can't take it anymore.
You guys gotta... Ew!
Get outta here.
Call me if you have
any information to share.
(Jimmy and Flannery moaning)
I said the dream was dry.
I can't believe he's
even grosser than you are.
(Burgie snoring)
[Roy] Hey, Pops!
- Huh?
- Pops, are you up here?
- Huh?
- Can I come up?
Oh, yeah, yeah!
Come on up!
Come in, grab a seat.
(Burgie groans)
Poured you a little libation there.
(Roy exhales)
Oh.
Aw.
Mm.
So.
Well.
It looks like I come
to the end of the trail
on the little lady front, there.
Well don't give up.
Stick it out.
Come on.
Just, you know, just-just keep her close.
Oh, but I'm worried, dad.
Oh, fuck worrying.
I've learned two things in my life.
Every time I plan for success,
I got the goddam opposite.
More important, whatever moments do come,
if you're satisfied,
then, uh, fuck all the rest.
Hey, here's to Roy and his wife-to-be!
And screw everyone else, huh?
Yeah.
Fuck all the rest.
Mm.
Oh, but I'm still scared shit less, dad!
I don't know what to do!
Oh, god.
Didn't you hear a word I said?
No, but I-I think I might be causing
my Bella some pain. (Soft music)
I think maybe her life
might have been better
if I, if I just hadn't
dragged her into mine.
Who cares?
As long as you're satisfied, she'll be,
she'll be fine.
Just be happy that you're, um,
got a woman to talk to.
Let alone wanna marry you?
I mean, look at you.
I mean, you're dressed
like a friggin' cowboy.
It's the 21st century, for god's sake.
Why do you always do that?
Do what?
Shit on me!
You're always just shitting on me, old man!
Oh, you just calm down.
Or you're gonna get another
damn treat! (Belt snapping)
You're right, dad.
I'm sorry.
You ought a watch that gun.
It's gonna get you into a mess of trouble.
(Roy scoffs)
Yeah, like you didn't?
Yeah, yeah, well.
Just watch yourself, huh?
Life's a bitch, that's for sure.
Look, look.
Be with that girl.
She'll point you in the right direction,
or not.
I gotta go mow a lawn.
Dad, thanks.
What the hell?
Burritos make me wet?
Jimmy, Flannery.
You guys are off the Roy Thompson case.
What?
Why?
You got a complaint
from the other precinct.
You made derogatory comments about women.
You said, "Burritos make me wet"?
Oh wait a goddam second.
Are you serious?
She's the one who said
Hey, I don't want to
hear it. Doesn't matter now.
What's done is done.
If I may please say
something, Chief White?
Detective Vanny is the one
that said eating burritos make her wet.
I was simply repeating it.
Yeah, and Lori, my devil
of an ex-wife, she said
Who cares?
You guys get some time off, so be happy!
Oh, this really pisses me off.
She's the one that said it first!
Hey, no smoking in the office, kid.
Since when?
Since always!
That's a really dumb rule.
No eating, either!
You've had enough cookies!
Put it away.
Put it down right now.
Hey Chief, Chief.
Who was it exactly
that put in the complaint?
Carla Witherspoon.
Oh, fuck that bitch!
- Unbelievable.
- I fucking hate her!
Right.
I've gotta get a nap.
You guys, I don't know,
go home, or something.
Sir, this doesn't make sense.
We're the ones who started chasing him.
We should finish it!
Yeah, Ned.
Come on, we go way back.
Just give us a chance.
It's not up to me, boys.
I'm tired, for god's sake.
I gotta get some rest.
Would you please turn off
the lights when you leave?
This is bullshit!
Yeah, complete bullshit! (Door slams)
You guys are a little rapey.
[Flannery] Who the fuck are you?
(Tido moaning)
Mm. (Laughing)
Another incredible one, hon.
You know when I have
to loosen the old pants,
you know it was a success. (Laughing)
Glad you're not
gonna spit it in the sink!
Are you still pissed about this morning?
It was early.
I was tired.
And that burrito sucked. (Laughing)
Up yours!
Whoa!
Whoa is right!
All you do is insult me
all the goddam time!
I'm over it!
Uh, you forgot.
I did compliment you on the dinner.
By not saying a word to me
as you shoveled food in your face,
and then, and then unbuckling your belt?
Wow!
Another tremendous shitty evening
of you complimenting my dinner!
You know, I'm gonna take a little walk
and let you cool off a bit.
Go!
Blah, blah, blah, blah!
Who cares?
You're the crazy one!
You big dickhead!
Dickhead?
Uh.
Fuck this.
I'm outta here.
Crazy asshole! (Tido grunts)
(door opens and closes) (Carla groans)
(cat chirps)
(Carla kisses cat) (cat purring)
(Carla crying)
(rooster crowing)
(Tido grunting)
I want a divorce.
How 'bout that, Carla?
How 'bout them burritos?
Yeah.
They fucking sucked, honey!
- You hear that?
- Yeah.
If it's the cowboy, you
know what you gotta do, son.
Restrain him and call the police.
Son, he killed your mother.
I'll bash his legs in to stop him
from-from trying to run away!
You smash his brains out with a rock!
[Tido] I'm crazy?
No, no.
You the one who's crazy... Yeah!
[Tido] You the one that's crazy.
What the shit?
No.
First off, how do we
even know it's the cowboy?
This is for your mother!
And if that means
beating her killer to death
with a rock, then that's what
the fuck you're gonna do!
Got it?
Uh, hi!
Hi there.
He's not the cowboy.
Shocking.
No, no.
I've been told I was a
force in the bedroom.
(Tido giggles)
(Tido laughing)
We're straight.
(laughing) No, no, no.
My name is Tido Kowalski.
I live in the neighborhood
back that way with my wife.
My female wife.
You a killer, Tido Kowalski?
Me?
No.
I'm an attorney.
So, worse than a killer.
Don't-don't mind him.
He's, can be a nerd.
What are you guys doing out here?
Uh, camping.
Just two guys.
Camping.
What does it matter?
Just tell him.
Tell me what?
That my dad's a drunk spaz.
Don't, no! (Tido laughs)
My wife, his mother, was killed yesterday
- by a cowboy!
- Oh.
And her spirit may be
leading us to the killer.
I think I know where you're going.
Is that whisky?
Yeah, it is.
We're a little dried up here.
Stay?
Why the hell not?
A ghost wife is better than a live wife.
(both chuckle)
- Amen.
- Amen. (Laughing)
It never ends.
Ah, I am so pissed!
This is probably gonna
be your last one, fellas.
The yelling is getting out of control.
I won't yell anymore, I promise.
Can we just have a
drink without a lecture
from a guy wearing a ship
captain uniform on land?
Christ.
This is a theme bar, asshole.
I like to keep things shipshape.
(upbeat pop music playing)
You know, I'm really glad
that we're away from Lori,
but I am really pissed off that
we were taken off that case.
I say we go after him
and fuck him up anyway!
Yeah!
Did you hear what I just said?
Shh.
I'm quiet.
I'm quiet.
We can't let her win, all right?
This son of a bitch is walking around
dressed like a cowboy.
How long can he blend in?
The BTK Killer.
He'll revisit his murder sites!
- We got him! (Laughing)
- Yeah!
That's it!
Look, I'm very sorry.
It won't happen again, okay?
Shh.
Last warning.
Damn.
That is the smartest
thing you have ever said.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I mean, the BT, that guy.
We-we should start with
the clothing warehouse,
and the bar.
I bet he's just sitting there, jacking off.
Yes!
Gross.
No, no, not that, okay?
I'm talking about your idea.
Oh, yeah.
Just one more drink, and we'll head out
and swoop in and catch that son of a bitch!
We don't wanna swoop too soon.
He'll know we're swooping.
Swoop.
Swoop.
Swoop!
Swoop!
Swoop!
- Yeah!
- Swoop!
- Yes!
- Swoop!
(Flannery laughs) Swoop!
Swoop!
Swoop!
Swoop!
That's it!
You're out!
Hey!
We're goddam cops, okay?
And we're very good at our jobs,
so just piss off, motherfucker.
Swoop.
[Both] Swoop!
Swoop!
Swoop!
Swoop!
Swoop!
Swoop!
Swoop!
Swoop!
- Swoop!
- Hey!
Shut the fuck up, you two morons, will you?
Yeah, shut the fuck
up, you swooping idiots!
We don't care if you're cops or not!
You're two drunks sitting on a bar stool,
taking up space, so shut the fuck up.
Oh, blow it out your ass, grandma.
We'll swoop whenever we want, okay?
You fuck face?
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
There's no need to curse.
Okay?
We-we're sorry.
We just had, tell you what.
We'll buy you a round, huh?
How's that?
(Paul snickers)
Oh no, it's okay.
No-no round is necessary.
Oh yeah, yeah. We're
gonna buy you lots of drinks.
Whiskies, and beers.
But he's not gonna buy anything,
because he's a cheap son of a bitch.
Shut up.
You stupid fucking piece of shit!
You son of a bitch!
Shit.
All hands on deck.
[Flannery] Hey, hey, hey!
(Jimmy shouts)
Hey, no!
This is exciting.
I never get to leave the station.
I just have to answer the damn phones,
and they never stop ringing.
Rein it in, Carla, okay?
Maybe if I do okay, I could come out
on more cases with you?
No. This is a one and done deal.
If Vanny wasn't back at the station puking,
she'd be here.
(knocks on door)
Really?
What the?
- Can I help you?
- Mr. Thompson?
Burgie Thompson?
Who wants to know?
We're detectives investigating
a string of homicides.
Ah.
I ain't seen or heard nothing.
You ladies have a good day.
No, no, no!
Mr. Thompson.
Have you seen your son Roy lately?
My son?
Roy?
Uh.
He hasn't been out this way in years.
If you do see him, would you call us?
No.
(Lori shouts)
God, you pissed him off.
Jeez!
And who said you could talk, anyway?
[Vanny Over Radio] Lori, come in.
It's Vanny.
Vanny, we're at the Thompsons' residence.
[Vanny Over Radio] I
know, but I just got a call
about somebody seeing a cowboy
take a woman into a warehouse.
Okay, send us the address.
We're on our way.
Over and out.
[Vanny Over Radio] Pick me up on the way!
I'm feeling better.
I puked it out.
Most of it.
Uh-oh.
Disgusting.
- Ugh.
- Yuck.
[Lori] God.
Fucking people.
(Roy sighs)
Honey?
- Honey?
- Hmm?
I'm sorry to wake up.
(yawns) You can wake me anytime.
Well, with my, with my dad's blessings,
well, sort of, it's time
to do what we must.
You know I'll do whatever
you want any day you want.
I forgive you, okay?
Now just forgive yourself.
Ah.
I wish it was that easy.
It is.
(soft music)
If it is, then why can't I?
You can, sweetheart.
You have to forgive
everyone for who they are.
Starting with yourself.
That's how we separate
the good from the bad.
Oh.
Oh, well if that's true, mom,
then why did you have to leave papa?
Oh.
Sometimes people shouldn't be together.
But I'm gonna miss you too much, mama.
Missing each other is part of life, Roy.
Maybe papa will change!
And then you can stay, mama!
No, Roy.
I've met someone.
It's time to move on.
Without your son?
I will call and write you often.
No, mama.
No!
I don't want to be alone!
You have your daddy. (Roy whimpers)
He's a much better father than he husband.
- Oh, he is a mean man!
- Shh!
He will take care of you.
And he's a good man.
You remember that.
And don't blame yourself.
You did nothing wrong.
We'll always be together.
Right here.
No, mama.
No, mama.
No, mama, don't go!
(church bells tolling)
No, mama, don't leave!
- No, no, no!
- Roy, sweetheart!
Sweetheart, it's just a dream!
It's just a dream, you're okay.
- You're okay.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Oh, it's just a dream.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
- Just remember.
- Oh.
Dreams come and go, Roy.
But nightmares?
They last forever. (Dark tense music)
(upbeat pop music playing) (both groaning)
Let me win.
I'm obese.
What game are we playing?
- Football?
- Uh.
Football. (Both grunt)
(Paul mumbling)
You're a good dude, man.
What's that?
- Really?
- I love you, man.
Oh. (Laughing)
Ooh.
Don't tell my wife.
- Don't stop.
- Ah.
(waves crashing)
I love booze.
(thunder crashing)
Whoa.
It's getting choppy.
(waves crashing)
Those are big waves
batting down the hatches!
I'm going down with the ship!
I'm not going down with the ship.
(Bailey screams)
(birds chirping)
Rise and shine, sleepyhead!
[Stevie] Go away!
Put the half and half in it this time.
Some people aren't professional drinkers.
(chuckles) Ah, it's gonna
be a great day, Martha.
(shoe splats)
(groans) Son of a bitch!
You gotta shit on me, even
in the afterlife, don't you?
(dreamy music) (Martha laughing)
Good!
That's what you get
for making our son drink.
(soft music)
(soft music continues)
(gate creaking)
Shut up!
Guys.
Guys.
Thanks for picking me up.
I feel so much better.
Don't feel sick at all now.
Speaking of sick, my
husband, who I'm sick of,
wasn't even there when
I woke up this morning.
I didn't care.
I felt relieved.
I felt relieved after the third puke.
Shut... Oops.
Both of you up, for god's sakes!
Ugh, fuck me!
(Marcia cheering)
- Oh, shit.
- Holy tits!
[Carla] Bouncing bazumbas!
Her whole body's on display!
Hey, hey.
Little nipply out, isn't it?
Ma'am, are you okay?
Is someone after you,
or were you hurt?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
That's a lot of questions, Miss Jeopardy.
One at a time.
It was a lot of questions, Lori.
- Oh god.
- Right?
Right.
Ah, it's too hot! (All shriek)
- No!
- Nope!
No, nope, nope!
[Vanny] Let's get those hooters in, okay?
No!
[Carla] Cover up those balloons!
(Marcia laughing)
Balloons? (Laughing)
God, you guys are so funny.
You should start a podcast, for real.
Not you, though.
- Oh, no.
- What's a podcast?
You know, are you on something?
Everything but a dick.
Oh. (All laughing)
And she's funny, too!
Hey, what do you think?
Podcast, party of three?
Shut... Yeah!
Up, all of you.
What are you doing, running
around here half naked?
Well.
Miss ass mullet personality.
I...
(Marcia sighs)
[Lori] Come on, focus!
Um.
I was at a rave.
Microdosing on mushrooms.
But then, micro turned into mega,
and then mega turned into,
just doing all the mushrooms.
Girl, you are so lucky, 'cause look,
one time I took, like, a tiny
teaspoon of mushrooms,
but I took a bite out of the VCR,
and I put my pillow in the air fryer.
(Marcia laughing)
Was the air fryer okay?
Enough!
Enough!
Is the rave in there?
No, dude.
After eating the gallon-sized
bag of mushrooms...
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Focus, come on.
Um.
Oh!
Oh yeah!
I ran into this old cowboy,
and we came back here to hook up.
Cowboy, cowboy, cowboy.
You know, fuck.
Yeah, I know. (Marcia laughing)
Cowboy, it's him.
God.
Is the cowboy... Yee-haw!
Is the cowboy in there?
Oh, uh, yeah!
I was all about his lemon party, you know,
but he wanted to live stream it.
I love a camera, but not when I'm naked.
I'm running for Congress.
Lori.
Lori, we should call for backup.
We got both entrances covered.
Let's just call.
Okay.
What's a lemon party?
(Marcia and Carla laugh)
(Bailey snoring)
(Bailey gasping)
We made it.
We made it!
I need another bottle.
Another bottle!
(boat creaks) (Bailey crashes)
(both snoring) (soft music)
(alarm sounding) (all groaning)
- Honey, answer that!
- It's late!
- Shut it up.
- Oh sorry, guys.
- Answer the phone, asshole!
- Kill yourself.
(all groaning)
- Oh, kill yourself.
- Sleeping.
Five more minutes, dildo!
Five more minutes, indeed.
- Ah.
- Ah.
(call dialing)
Flannery's not answering his phone.
Well you really should wait for backup.
This guy's killed a lot of people.
Okay, I'm calling him one more time,
but if he doesn't answer, we're going in
after this piece of shit.
Well hey, Carla, why
don't you come in as backup?
I got it!
No!
No.
There's a reason they
call her Operator Carla.
Oh.
I'll back you up! (Upbeat
music) (Carla yelps)
With these titties!
- Oh, Jesus! (Marcia laughs)
- Pew, pew, pew!
- Ah, god!
- Pew, pew, pew, pew!
- Oh, disgusting!
- Get her in the van!
- Pew, pew, pew, pew!
- I'll take her!
- Pew, pew!
- Put your jacket on.
- Oh, someone.
- Jacket on, jacket off!
- Oh, god!
Jack it on... Cover the booty!
- Jesus Christ.
- Jack it off! (Laughing)
Ugh! (Vanny laughs)
She's a lot of fun.
You're nuts!
You know that?
Nuts!
Leave me alone!
I've got some serious business to do here.
God, all of you.
You're retarded!
All of you are retarded!
Whoa!
Where the fuck are you?
(arrow whooshes)
(arrow lands)
Oh.
I kinda feel like I'm hogging it.
Anybody else wanna shoot?
How about our recent trophy winner?
I'm still spinning. It's
probably not a good idea for me
to fire arrows right now.
Last thing I wanna do is shoot a weapon.
Maybe use a toilet.
(Tido groaning)
Fire a few.
I gotta take a leak.
See if there's any more libations.
All right, Stevie.
There's a reason you're the champion.
There's a reason you're the champion.
All the chicks.
All the chicks wanna be with you, Stevie.
All the chicks.
(arrow whooshes)
(arrow lands)
(Stevie laughs)
We wanna have your babies, Stevie!
(bow clatters)
(all snoring)
(cellphone rings)
(all groaning)
- Stop it!
- Please!
- It's me.
- Oh.
What?
Ugh, where the hell have you been?
Did you listen to my voicemail?
No.
Are you drunk?
No.
Well, halfway.
Listen to the voicemail
and get your asses over here.
We have the cowboy
cornered in the warehouse.
What?
You-you got him cornered in the warehouse?
The clothing one?
(Vanny huffing)
We have to go in.
(dramatic music)
Okay.
Jimmy!
Jimmy!
Hey, don't you know
sleeping when you see it?
Listen to me, man.
What?
They got the cowboy
cornered in the warehouse.
- Wait, the clothing one?
- The clothing warehouse!
I hope so.
- Let's go!
- Okay.
- I'm awake, I'm awake.
- Come on.
Yeah, get your shit.
- Let's go.
- Okay.
[Flannery] So long, boys!
Yeah.
Why don't you eat a
wheelbarrow full of butt holes?
Call me!
Oh, Jimmy.
Take this.
You might need it.
Let's go.
- Goodbye!
- Goodbye!
Get the cowboy!
Good luck!
Oh!
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
Keep those owls in the trees, missy.
Come on, let's go.
(dark exciting music)
From the grave
That's just a mannequin.
Good lord.
Do you think I'd look good in that?
Go.
Keep going.
(dark exciting music continues)
[Old Man] You know, Rachel,
I find you extremely attractive.
Freeze!
Oh, hi ladies!
Come and join the show.
Oh by the way, I can only use one of you.
Stand up with your hands up!
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm attached to her hip. (Laughing)
Oh, god it's not him.
It's just some old guy
who's taken too much Viagra.
That's disgusting!
Wanna peek?
Why not?
Ugh.
Turn off that live stream!
How many followers you got?
No!
No!
Turn off that live stream, and no!
This is perversion!
Stop it, you bad, bad man!
Where is Flannery?
(Roy panting)
- You feel that?
It beats for me now.
You feel that?
It beats for you now.
And every breath blows
our hearts closer together
with every passing moment.
Ah, I love you, Roy.
But what is it?
Is it me?
Did I do something?
No.
(car approaching)
(tense music)
Where's Lori?
I don't know, man.
Are you sure this is the right warehouse?
They all look the same.
Yeah, this is where he killed Martha.
Wanna go in, huh?
Okay.
You wanna go first?
No.
Okay.
(tense exciting music)
(tense exciting music continues)
- Roy Thompson?
- Lori!
You gents looking for me?
Hey, hey, hey!
Roy Thompson!
Put your hands up.
We got you.
Don't move, you sick fuck.
Howdy, fellas.
Howdy your ass.
Get on the ground.
Get on the ground, on your knees.
(Roy grunts)
- All right.
- Yeah, right now.
[Roy] All right, all right.
All right, look, you
Slow.
Yeah, you got me,
but unfortunately, not soon enough.
Hey Flannery, look.
Oh boy.
The beautiful Bella Blue,
was such a beautiful soul.
Unfortunately, she just
got on the wrong side
of a fellow with a
tortured heart and a gun.
You motherfucker!
Hey Flannery, what are you doing, man?
Look, he'll get punished in prison, okay?
- He'll get fuck-fucked.
- Huh?
It'll all work out.
Not this time.
Barry Blue would want
me to blow this fucker away.
Look, it doesn't matter, okay?
He'll get punished.
He deserves that, but not like this.
Hey, besides, you won.
What are you talking about?
You caught him, not Lori.
Oh, fuck Lori.
(soft music)
Bang.
Cuff him, Jimmy.
Hey, hey! (Dramatic music)
That's it!
All right, drop the gun.
Drop the gun!
Drop it, or I'll shoot him!
Do it, pussy.
Hey, oh, what?
All right, I will! (Jimmy yelping)
No!
No, no, no.
[Roy] Throw it on the bed, go on!
That's my gun.
Now back up.
Back up.
Get there, back to back.
Back to back.
- Sorry, Flannery.
- All right.
It's okay, Jimmy.
Now wait right there.
Ha!
Sorry, boys.
It's not time for old Roy to run off
to the sunset just yet.
Ah, and there, ha!
Ha!
(Roy grunts)
Yeah!
You guys thought you caught Roy Thompson?
Well, what you guys think
you're the Pinkertons, or something, huh?
You just stay there.
No shit.
Hey, at least he didn't tie us up
like we were 69-ing,
you know like that couple
in the home invasion, those two guys?
Would you please shut the fuck up?
Oh, would you both shut the fuck up?
Now, you boys are in for a damn,
a damn!
Fuck it!
All right.
All right, I'm going out that door.
First guy that follows me out,
I'm gonna blow their dick
into the next guy's ass!
Gross.
Well.
What now?
Guess our ending sucks.
Fuck!
We failed.
(Jimmy sighs)
Hey, let's get this rope off.
Ow.
Careful!
- No, no, walk this way.
- Okay, I'm trying.
- Ow!
- Hey, good.
[Jimmy] I hurt my ankle.
[Flannery] How did you hurt your ankle?
[Jimmy] I twisted it when
he was yanking on us.
- Oh, Jesus.
- Ow!
(tense music)
(Roy grunts)
(rooster crowing)
(Roy grunting)
(suspenseful music)
Ernie!
Stevie!
Is that the cowboy?
Hey, come on!
Come on!
Okay.
(rooster crowing)
(tense exciting music)
(Tido farting)
(tense exciting music continues)
(exciting dramatic music)
(slow suspenseful music)
(arrow whooshes)
(gunshot fires)
Oh, shit.
(arrow whooshes and thuds)
(gunshot fires)
(gun clattering)
(Roy crashes)
I got him!
You did it!
I got him!
You got him!
I got him!
You did it!
- My boy!
- Good shot, nerd!
You got him! (Laughing)
You found a toilet!
Yeah! (Laughing) (Tido laughing)
(Roy coughing) (soft solemn music)
(Flannery chuckles)
Nobody's gonna be putting their ass
on that guy's dick.
That was a lot of fun.
(soft dramatic music)
(all cheering)
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
My son got him!
My son got him! (All cheering and laughing)
Happy trails, motherfucker!
1,000 times.
(upbeat blues rock music) (singer scatting)
(upbeat blues rock music continues)
(door opening)
(light switch clicks)
Lights!
Dammit, Jimmy, you fucking cunt!
Why are you such a little bitch, Jimmy?
Sorry, everybody.
I didn't know you were sleeping.
Goodnight.
Fuck.
(upbeat blues rock music continues)
(upbeat blues rock music continues)
(upbeat blues rock music continues)
(upbeat blues rock music continues)
(upbeat blues rock music continues)
(upbeat blues rock music continues)
(singer scatting)
(singer continues scatting)
(singer continues scatting)
(music stops)
(upbeat blues rock music continues)
(music fading)
(soft dreamy music)
(Martha laughing)
Good!
That's what you get
for making our son drink.
Why do all men drink so much?
Not all men do.
Just the dickheads.
So, all men.
But trust me, I was a bartender,
and all men are drunks,
and they're usually pretty bad at sex.
Sex is overrated.
I was so glad once we stopped.
It's better alone, trust me.
Speak for yourself.
I love sex.
Me too.
I love the sensations.
Beat it, Leeroy.
Wait, I thought we had something.
What does it matter?
We're all dead anyhow.
Just have a threesome lifestyle.
Yeah.
I'm no cuck!
Oh, I love a good watching party.
Can you all leave?
I was enjoying my alone time
before this bullshit.
Oh, beat off on the cloud.
[Wally] Oh, I'm glad
the moment I get here
the party's over.
(giggles) Who are you?
I'm Wally.
I was murdered by the Cowboy Killer.
I'm glad to be here.
Wait, you were killed by a cowboy?
Uh... We were killed
- by a cowboy.
- I was killed by a cowboy.
- So were we!
- You were killed by a cowboy?
Cowboy killed me.
Yeah, I was killed by a cowboy.
Right in the bar.
Right in the bar.
That is indeed correct, dear ones.
Yes.
Oh.
It's so good to see you connecting.
Guys, stop the mops.
- Holy hell.
- Lookit.
(laughs) God.
Thank you, God.
And it's true.
All of you were victims
of, what's his name?
Roy Thompson.
Roy Thompson, also
known as the Cowboy Killer.
You've been brought
here as your cleansing
to connect before you
enter an eternity of bliss.
Quick story.
Uh.
It was, wow.
- 2000.
- 2000 years ago, already.
Just, time. (Makes whoosh sound)
2000 years ago, I started heaven
as a small business in college,
and you know, no one thought it would work.
Except one person.
Well, he was sober. (God laughs)
- And a good lay.
- Please.
[Mrs. God] It is possible ladies.
That's right.
If she didn't believe in me,
if she didn't love me, I
don't think I would have
the strength to push heaven.
And look at heaven today.
I mean, we have more followers
than anyone or anything.
2.4 billion followers.
That's great, and all.
But what does that have
to do with us connecting?
Ah, well, you see.
In life, we survive, we thrive,
by having a support group.
And so now this will be
your forever support group.
(church bells tolling)
- Fuck.
Hear that?
Hear that?
That means it's time.
It means it's time for you to enjoy
the heaven which you deserve.
So gather together, and hold hands,
embrace your connection.
You can do it.
Yes, yes, don't be shy.
That's right, close your eyes.
And go to where you
have your deepest desires.
Go to wherever your heart takes you,
and enjoy the journey,
because that will be your new bliss.
Jesus Christ.
We've been waiting.
(wind whooshing)
How did her husband put up with her?
Booze.
(upbeat blues rock music continues)
(music fades)
(Multicom Jingle)