The Day After Halloween (2022) Movie Script

1
[gunfire, explosions booming]
[birds chirping]
[ominous music]
[clock ticking]
[sniffing]
[tapping]
[sighing]
[gentle snoring]
[voice 1 on TV]
I love the sadness.
It's haunting,
like Da Vinci.
[voice 2 on TV] Really?
I like the pepperoni.
[voice 1 on TV] The pepperoni?
[voice 2 on TV] Yeah,
I wasn't talking about
this priceless piece--
[plastic crackling]
[plastic rustling]
[grunting]
[breathing loudly]
[sighing]
[alarm beeping]
[thudding]
[urine splashing]
[faucet runs, stops]
[eerie music]

[clatters]
[TV presenter]
So fast. So easy.
Call now.
Call us now.
24 hours a day,
seven days a week, and now--
[TV static]
[radio DJ] Can you hear me,
my little ghouls
and ghoulettes?
It's your old friend
Virgil here,
and if you can
hear my voice,
that must mean
you're within
striking distance
of the drive-in,
and it's the spookiest
night of the year,
so we thought
we'll get some monsters
and mayhem
up on the big screen for ya.
Sunset tonight's
gonna be at 5:59,
so if you
make your way out,
don't forget
your silver bullets
and your crucifixes,
'cause you guys know
if the creatures
come out after dark,
it's also when
all the fun starts.
[laughing maniacally]
["Here We Go" by
Extreme Music playing on radio]
[song volume increases]
Everybody wants a devil
Everybody wants
it white and black
Everybody thinks
they're angels
They got the answers
we just wish we had
But they don't know
So here we go
Look in the mirror,
they don't see it
They meet their reflection
eye to eye
They say the words
but don't mean it
Always preaching about
the falling skies
They don't know
So here we go
Everybody in the shadows
coming out today
Everybody in the shadows
coming out to play
Everybody in the shadows
coming out today
Everybody in the shadows
coming out, here we go
Ooh, ooh, oh,
ooh, ooh, oh
[Addison on walkie] Hello, I'm
a fancy Japanese businessman,
and I'd like to know
if the blonde that just
pulled on the lot
is available for purchase.
Attention,
whoever this is,
this is an official
theater walkie-talkie
and should only be used for
official drive-in business.
No fucking shit, lady.
Does it sound like
I'm ordering a pizza?
[girlfriend] Real fucking cute.
What the fuck is your problem?
[scoffs]
[pop-rock song
playing on radio]
Get the hell
out of my car, old man.
-[Hayes grunts]
-[Corpse giggles, screams]
I almost thought
you weren't gonna come.
But then I remembered
how irresistible I am.
Okay, well,
I got you a present.
-Oh, yeah?
-Mm-hmm.
What the hell is it?
Am I gonna like it?
Highly doubtful,
but it took me
way too much time to make it,
so you're gonna wear it.
What?
What the hell is this?
It's our costumes.
[ice cubes clinking]
[customer] What do you have
to say about this?
It's ruined,
I can tell you that.
Trick or treaters are gonna
be over in a couple of hours
and I still have to help Julian
get into his astronaut costume.
It's not just
about the pumpkin,
it's about the four hours
it took to-- to carve it.
And numerous morning walks
have been disturbed
by the previous night's party,
drunken antics
of your customers.
Uh, sir, maybe I can
be of some assistance?
Um, let me just say,
we do not condone
the drinking of alcoholic
beverages here at the drive-in.
Hey, listen, we're already
out of room in the back.
We're running out of ice.
Where do I put this?
[birds chirping]
[girlfriend] Whoo!
Nachos Libre.
[girlfriend]
First of the night.
Why do you guys
close down for the season
right before Halloween?
I figure that's your
big money-making night.
Uh, fun fact, it's actually
not good for a box office
for a movie to open
on Halloween weekend.
Hmm. Mm.
I don't think you know
what a fun fact means.
[Corey] At any time
next season,
you and your husband can come
and enjoy a movie on us.
My husband?
[Corey] Julian.
Oh, uh, your roommate?
Julian's my dog.
Dog! Of course.
I'm not gay.
That's very homophobic.
[whispers] How can it be
homophobic if he's not gay?
You have a lot of hate
in your heart.
-[glass breaking]
-Oh! Oh!
[Matt] Dammit!
Beer everywhere.
[Corey] Oh!
Hey, excuse me.
What-- what are you
gonna do about my pumpkin?
I don't fucking work here.
[intriguing music]
Here, take this.
[Hayes]
Did you write on this?
What did you
write on this?
I need $60.
-[Hayes] For what?
-To buy something.
Hey.
Welcome to the party, pal.
-See what I did there?
-[Hayes] Yes.

[knocking]
What do you got?
[keys jingling]
Huh, eclectic yet spooky,
I like it.
All right, I'll tell you what.
Let's start with, uh, zombies.
Well, technically, Romero
never used the word "zombie."
They do call them
ghouls at one point,
-but frankly, the term--
-That's great stuff.
Can you get it started
at around ten, please?
Take a beer.
Never mind, I'll just take
it to the booth myself, then.
Sir, you're welcome
to take any pumpkin,
for free,
on us, as a gift.
That one has
a swastika on it.
Oh, yeah, uh,
that must be left over
from Indiana Jones weekend.
Out of context,
it's very horrible, yeah.
[Addison] Motherfucker!
[whimpering]
[thudding]
-[thudding, objects clattering]
-I'll get the first aid kit.
I guess someone could make
that rocket ship one
work with Julian's
astronaut costume.
Ah, um,
that's actually a penis.
Oh, my God. I get it.
-My God.
-[Addison] It's real.
Stepped on fucking glass.
[Hayes] All right,
well, that's funny.
-[Corpse laughs]
-Is it?
[girlfriend] Yeah.
Oh, my gosh, you guys
recognize who that is?
The clown?
Oh, my God, just get
to the part of the story
where you slept
with the guy.
It's that fucking idiot
from the pizza commercials.
Picasso Pizza.
-"Pizza that's a masterpiece?"
-Exactly.
He's a pervert.
You know that, right?
The clown? Oh, yeah.
Couple years ago, he got
busted for putting cameras
in women's dressing rooms
in the mall.
Yeah,
but he got off pretty easy.
Yep.
Big rich kid, pizza money.
What store was it?
-I think it was Cole's.
-[girlfriend] Hmm.
[laughs]
[girlfriend]
Have you finally realized
how impractical
a barefoot costume is?
Listen, sister.
It's not called
Die Easy, all right?
-What are you doing?
-Just need to adapt.
No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
You should
take the ladder, pal.
Fine.
[grunting in pain]
So, when are we
putting on our costumes?
[crunching]
Yeah, uh, here's the thing.
I don't wanna do that.
I kinda like
what I'm wearing now.
I know
it's a sin to say,
but I don't
even like Halloween.
Yeah, I mean,
I don't like scary movies,
I don't like
dressing up, and frankly,
I find that people that
take it too seriously to be--
well, they're idiots.
So anybody
that dresses up is an idiot?
No, no, no, no,
just people
that take it too seriously.
All right. Attention.
You, I need your paint.
And who here
has the best handwriting?
This is
a Halloween emergency.
I have a calligraphy set
back at home if need be.
[girlfriend] There's not
too many people out there.
Mm, it'll be all right.
Not even dark yet,
and it's a beautiful night.
Mm, you know what it's
a perfect night for, literally?
[Hayes] For me
to put on my costume on?
Jesus Christ, fine!
But, I put this on,
and we are definitely
fucking in costume tonight.
I mean,
that is a given.
[customer] Excuse me.
You there, on the roof.
There's a man down there
holding a pumpkin
with a swastika.
[customer]
Are you the manager?
Uh, yeah.
I mean, technically,
we're closed for the season,
so if this is a complaint,
which I'm gonna assume it is,
-then I have to--
-Nah, nah.
I just wanna
clear this with you.
I-- I think
I'm gonna take this one.
I can definitely
make this work
with Julian's
Indiana Bones costume.
Luckily for me,
I have a miniature whip.
Not really sure
who you are
or what that means,
but, okay.
[Addison] Hey, uh,
we have any more paint?
-I ran out.
-No, absolutely not.
What?
It's from the movie.
Simon made me do it.
[Hayes] Take it off!
-[Santa] What the hell?
-What kinda theater is this?
[Addison] Shut up, assholes,
we're closed.
Thank God you stopped him
before he got to the ER.
[gentle electronic music]
Well, you've ruined Halloween.
I hope you're happy.
Yeah,
possibly saved your life.
Yet I can see
you have no problem with her
dressed as a prostitute.
By the way, should all
three of us really be up here?
I mean, there's gotta be
some kind of weight limit.
How many Nachos Libre
is that for you today?
[laughs] Yeah, okay,
fat John McClane.
You want
some help off the roof?
All right, guys, guys, guys.
Hey, beer, all right?
Let's try
not to kill each other tonight.
[Addison] I can't promise that.
Especially not
on All Hallows Eve.
God, you're just a lot
of big talk and a stupid badge.
Guys. A toast.
To Halloween
and all it comes with.
[Addison] What the fuck
does that mean?
[Hayes] I don't know,
just cheers.
And we're running,
and running
And running after midnight
Say we're running
And running
And running to
[alarm beeping]
[footsteps running]
[Addison sighing]
[panting]
Is she dead?
-God, I hope so.
-Why would you hope so?
Well, for one,
if she's not dead,
neither one of us are doing a
very good job of reviving her.
And what's up with that
AIDS on the mirror thing?
What? Oh, don't worry.
That's just lipstick.
I don't think you can put
actual AIDS on a mirror.
Is this
fucking funny to you?
Oh, I mean, bud,
you know, like anything,
there are funny parts.
What did you do?
What do you mean,
what did I do?
How could I
make this more clear?
Whenever something bad
goes in my life,
I can usually
pinpoint the source.
So, I ask you again,
what did you do?
Well, I'm sorry
you feel that way.
My God, I mean,
do we even know if she's dead?
-Did you check her pulse?
-You wanna go make sure?
Wait,
what do you mean, check?
"Make sure" kind of implies
that if she's not dead,
we'll be
finishing the job.
[Addison sighs]
Only thing I did was wake up
about an hour before you
into a horrifying situation.
And as unbelievable
as it may seem,
I assure you,
things can get worse.
So let's focus
on what I'm gonna do.
Which is my best,
to make sure
that doesn't happen!
So now then...
let's go make sure
your girlfriend's dead.
[exhaling loudly]
Did you get a haircut?
[clock ticking]
Yes, I did,
not sure why you care.
Honestly,
it's none of your business.
I can't ask
if you got a haircut?
I just don't know why
one guy would ask another guy
if he got a haircut,
I mean, who cares?
Honestly, it's a little gay.
It's gay?
It's gay
if I ask if you got a haircut?
[Addison] I don't think
it's very straight.
I mean, come on,
back me up here.
Don't you think
it's a little gay?
Jesus.
How'd she get in here?
I never know.
What is she doing here?
Touch-ups.
What costume is that?
[bell dings]
Really?
There's no room.
Oh, come on,
there's always room for this.
[Hayes] No-- Move back--
move it back, it's caught--
[clock ticking]
It's caught!
It's-- Move it! Back--
This is ridiculous.
You think
I wanna do this?
Apparently.
Covering the floor
with plastic,
with a bunch of drunk people,
you know how stupid that is?
The drunk people aren't
even supposed to be here.
But, you know,
there's a line at the drive in,
or it's cool
they know the owner.
I do know the owner.
He's the moron behind
this asinine plastic plan.
Have you given any thought
to what you're gonna do
with all the water?
[Hayes] What water?
Well, you know,
women love to [indistinct]
forward-thinking
in regards to party planning.
So we're gonna get a nice
layer of slippery moisture
going on here
from their filthy pussies.
It's gonna be
like a slip 'n slide.
No,
I haven't thought about it.
Ooh! Smooth [indistinct]
lay down all this plastic,
I sure hope
his pants have a Velcro fly,
'cause I can't get his penis
in my mouth fast enough.
[glass breaking]
Motherfucker!
Was that expensive?
No, it's just a--
just a family heirloom.
Maybe my grandfather
got it in the war.
Oh, well, he's dead,
so he has no say.
I mean, chances are
he didn't want his fancy house
to go to his Nancy
of a grandkid either.
You know,
take solace in the fact
that it's just some bullshit
he stole off a Chinaman.
Pretty sure
there weren't any Chinamen.
[Addison] Well, you know,
they all look the same
at the end of a bayonet.
[Hayes] Listen.
-About tonight...
-[Addison] Is she blonde?
[Hayes] What?
Is her hair
blonde in color?
[Hayes chuckles] Uh, yeah.
How'd you know that?
[Addison] Well,
it's typically your pattern.
Brunette, redhead, blonde.
You've hid this chick
away for a while,
but now
the drive-in's open,
you have no choice
but to bring her around.
So, you know,
this is where you say to me,
"I really,
really like this girl.
Can you do your best
to please not scare her away?"
To which I answer,
"Of course, buddy!
Whatever it is you need."
In fact, you know,
I better start doing
some more drinking
as to soothe my savage tongue.
What's this?
That's called whiskey,
and it's for emergencies only.
Lemme ask you something?
You find
that you jerk off more,
or less, now that
you're in a relationship?
And it was the haircut question
that was gay?
I'm just collecting
a little bit of data.
Well, oddly, I find
I jerk off more
in the relationship.
That's what I thought,
that checks out.
Six months.
This thing will not make it
to the next drive-in season.
-Guaranteed.
-My relationship?
Yeah, your relationship.
In fact,
I will even give you odds.
No, no, no, I'm not betting
against that, even with odds.
You know, I happen to find
that it's a good thing
that I jerk off more.
[snorts] Okay.
You know what? Five months.
[microwave beeping]
You know, this is-- this is
a new level for me, all right?
I've never been
to this stage.
You know,
as usual in the beginning,
you know,
I'll use anything.
But then when I get
to the climax I--
I use her as the fuel.
As some kinda
courtesy to her?
Okay, come on,
you're making it sound gross,
but I think
that means something.
Well, I think
you should probably save
some of this stuff
for your vows.
[Hayes]
Wait-- wait a minute.
And what do you mean,
"That checks out"?
You've been monitoring
my jerk off habits?
So, I suppose
I should be more like you.
Preying on the young.
Pitting my hopes and dreams
to jello shots
and naivet.
[Addison] Oh, I'm sorry.
Who should
I be preying on exactly?
Old women?
They're brutal beasts
that are fueled
by white wine
and pilates.
You know
you're coming dangerously close
to the definition
of a woman hater.
I don't hate women.
Really?
So when we play Monopoly...
and you make them
be the iron?
That's more
of a tradition thing?
The worst part about the stupid
abortion of a plastic plan
isn't even the putting down
of the plastic,
it's the picking it up
the next morning.
Oh, that's nice.
Seriously,
do you have keys?
Picking up a beaten,
ripped shell of a corpse
that's left behind from a night
that's forever gone
and used to be full
of limitless possibilities.
Yeah, it's strange
you have such strong feelings
for a process that I've
never seen you participate in.
[eerie music]
You know, if you could
put actual AIDS on a mirror,
it'd probably would have
something to do with that
Bloody Mary lady.
Did you ever do that?
Say it three times
in the mirror?
Check her pulse.
Not like that.
Not like what?
You can't use your thumb,
you have a pulse in your thumb.
You do!
I don't know,
I don't feel anything.
You seem pretty confident.
Take a look at the confident
marks on her neck.
Somebody choked her.
I don't know
if that killed her,
but her lack of enthusiasm
about the situation
makes me pretty fucking
confident that she's dead.
When did you get that coffee?
Does that make a difference?
Yeah, it does.
Did you get
yourself a cup of coffee
and then find the body,
or did you realize
she was dead
and then decided
to make yourself a cup of Joe?
-Who care--
-[coffee spilling]
She's definitely dead.
I think you need to focus on
some bigger picture questions.
[Hayes] Like who killed her?
Nope.
In fact, we just know dead.
We don't know kill.
What, like she died
of natural causes?
Like someone choked her,
and she couldn't breathe,
so she naturally died?
I'm saying, I don't know.
She's in a tub.
How do people
usually die in a tub?
They drown.
[clock ticking]
[exhaling loudly]
That might have been
a new record for ya.
Now, hypothetical question.
Let's say I died there.
Do you try to save me yourself,
or do you go get help?
That's your answer
for everything.
[lighter flicking]
[eerie music]
[Hayes exhaling]
You ever dance with the devil
in the pale moonlight?
You're already
taking off your costume.
Yeah, I mean,
uh, funny story.
There was this accident.
Took me five hours alone
to make that wig.
Well, it's flammable,
in case you were wondering.
You know,
you have nice feet.
Many don't.
I think it's the shoes
that fuck you guys carrying
those puppies in there.
It's funny, the wearing of
shoes can fuck your feet,
but then
the not wearing shoes
can equally
fuck your feet.
I like to hit a nice 50/50
sneaker/flip flop
split myself.
What I'm getting
at is that, um,
I would like
to suck your toes.
Listen,
if you wanna take the courses,
take the courses.
If you don't, then don't.
I just want you to be happy.
And what would
make me happy
is you making
one fucking decision.
[Hayes, sarcastically]
Oh, my God. You're so selfless.
You just want me
to be happy.
Actually, it's selfish
'cause you're never happy,
and I'd just like
to have something different.
The best-selling album
from 1996
was Jagged Little Pill.
Now, I'm just saying,
if the rock anthems
in my youth
were screamed at me
by some spurned Canadian lady,
oh, I'm bound to have
some intimacy issues.
You said
we'd try New York.
You said we'd see
if it was something
we could
realistically handle.
[Hayes] Oh, my God.
I love how New York
is the answer to everything.
Like, running away
from your problems
is the solution.
If location's the problem,
isn't escape
the most logical answer?
What exactly is the problem?
Really? The same night,
same party, same people.
There's that weird guy.
There's that
fucking girl I hate.
My ex-boyfriend's
over there.
I fucked that guy.
I've had sex
with this guy.
It's the same thing
every night!
Wait, how many
of these guys did you fuck?
[Corpse] Oh...
Have you seen
the women my age
that would be
willing to sleep with me?
Not a great group.
A lot of baggage
in that group.
And by baggage, I mean fat.
Well, am I above sticking
my penis in a fat woman?
Thank you for asking,
no, I am not.
You live in a land
where you watch
and worship people
projected on a big screen.
I wanna be on the other side
of that screen.
How do I know
the other side of that screen
isn't just
a more expensive,
soul-sucking, shittier version
than this side?
You don't.
It's a question
people answer for themselves.
Do you want a guarantee?
I can guarantee you
this side of the screen
is not always
gonna include me.
Is that a threat?
Threat's a strong word.
Yeah, how about fuck you?
Is that a strong word?
Fuck you's two words,
and coming
from a weak-willed guy
that's lost
all of his ambition?
Not really.
This is a fucking joke.
-[clown horn honking]
-Oh, my God.
Are you s--
That's it.
You know, I don't even know
if I'm in love with you.
I imagine
a world where I am,
and that is the world
that I thought I wanted.
[scoffing]
I just wanna take
that little piece of you
that wants
to do better and nurture it.
I love this place too...
but I can't start feeling
nostalgic until I leave.
It's kind
of how nostalgia works.
Even though I may go
and fail,
just know that I think
if you stay here
without trying anything else...
you've already failed.
I gotta pee.
What if it turns out
that I do want kids,
I mean, I'm supposed
to do that with a woman my age?
You imagine
how retarded that kid would be?
I don't mean just, like,
a dusting of Down syndrome,
I'm talking
about full-blown, you know,
rubbing-shit-in-the-air
retarded.
[indie rock music]
[man] It's occupied.
[Corpse]
How long has he been in here?
[Hayes] Like it's gonna solve
all of our fucking problems.
Fuck, go then!
Just fucking get out of here.
[muttering] I can't take it. I
don't even fucking give a shit.
Fuck.
This fucking party's
fucking on tonight.
Fucking on, come on.
[sighing]
Fuck!
[soft rock
music playing inside]
Fuck! Fuck!
[party din]

[partygoer] You ever
danced with the devil
in the pale moonlight?
-What?
-I'm saying, I don't know.
She's in a tub.
How do people
usually die in a tub?
They drown.
[Addison clears throat]
Those marks on her neck
are gonna be a problem.
What do you mean
those marks on her neck
are gonna be a problem?
Well, I mean, if she just
drunkenly drowned in the tub,
I'd say the next step
would be to call the police
and let them
do some policing.
But,
those marks on her neck,
I mean,
we're gonna have to cut her up.
[Hayes] Cut-- cut her up?
What the fuck
are you talking about?
[Addison] Uh, cut her up means
take the one big piece,
and you make it
smaller pieces.
Then we're gonna
take those small pieces
and drive across the big,
vast state of Pennsylvania.
I would
put on some clothing,
it's gonna
take us a little bit.
We need
to puncture her.
Drain all the liquid
that we can.
Pulverize the teeth.
Cut off the fingers.
Disfigure the face.
We'd be wise to crush
as much of the skeleton
as we can beforehand.
[suspenseful music]
People would be
less apt to call the cops
if their dog
digs up a disfigured
piece of meat
versus a whole body.
The fucking dog
would probably eat the meat
before anyone of importance
came along
to investigate further.
The good news
about Pennsylvania is
the bigger the state,
the more area there is
to hide things.
And when in doubt, use fire.
Hey, when I asked
about cutting her up,
I wasn't looking
for the fucking mechanics.
If we push,
I think we can be back by dawn.
How long do you figure
it takes to cut up a body?
Is that
a fucking serious question?
I'm hoping it's not much harder
than deboning a chicken.
Okay, let me be very clear
about what we are not doing.
We're gonna need tools,
duct tape
and a shit ton of Febreze.
We won't be doing that.
What we will be doing is
-calling the police.
-Calling the police.
-I'm serious.
-I'm serious.
I think it's a fine idea.
[Hayes] Okay,
the police are the people
that catch the bad guy.
[Addison] And what
if the police decide
that you are
the bad guy?
[Hayes] They won't,
because I didn't do anything.
[projector whirring]
[cop] You didn't do anything?
Well, that's a relief.
Case closed, I guess.
Let's go ahead
and get you outta here.
Officer Black,
take off his cuffs.
Let's get him downstairs,
and process his paperwork.
He didn't do anything.
Although, we should
think about this for second.
I mean,
as airtight as alibi as
"I didn't do anything" is,
I think I'm under
some sort of general obligation
to ask you
a few questions.
I mean, if that's
okay with you, Mr. Hayes?
I think
that dead little girl's mother
might want me
to ask a few questions.
Do you ever
think about that
in your
psycho little head?
That girl had a mother.
That girl had a father.
And now
they have to do
the toughest thing
a parent ever has to do.
They have to
bury their little girl.
-That ain't right.
-No! That ain't right.
-She had a sister.
-Okay.
I'll do the family stuff.
Tell me, tough guy.
You have anything
to drink last night?
[upbeat percussive music]
Sounds like
you had more than a couple.
A real booze hound.
Oh, is that true?
You a booze hound?
Did you have
anything to drink today,
Mr. Booze Hound?
What we're dealing with here
is a young white girl.
So rest assured
the police will come,
they will
have questions, but, uh,
with each other
as alibis and pretty soon
with a little
elbow grease, no body,
I think
we can get past this.
So, did you murder
the girl in the tub?
-Nope.
-Whoo, he's good.
So you're a funny guy.
You think
this is a big joke?
Well this
ain't no joke, brother.
A skeleton walks into a bar,
orders a beer and a mop.
That is a joke.
You know, we had a funny guy
like you down on the force.
You wanna know
what happened to him?
If I had to guess,
I imagine he was
well-liked by his coworkers,
excelled at his job
and got promoted--
No! No, no, no, no!
No, that's not what happened!
You know, we got your buddy
in the other room.
He's telling us
another story.
Maybe I'll go
ask him a few questions.
We have one story
and we stick to it.
You can't tell 'em
anything we don't know.
Something happened.
We're talking
about an environment
where there's
a known sex offender
walking around
dressed as a clown.
[gun fires]
-Well, we shot your buddy.
-Shot him dead.
-[Addison] Really?
-You don't think so?
I didn't like
his answers.
What do you
think about that?
Well, I think the whole thing
sounds like
a shocking abuse of authority.
All right, all right,
all right, I have a question.
Considering we're
dealing with a murderer,
you certainly
don't seem to be very alarmed.
I mean,
theoretically, there's still
a killer out there
lurking about, correct?
Well,
I can't speak to his lurking,
but unless
you think our killer
is the hockey mask-wearing
machete-wielding variety,
and he's just biding
his time 'til you and I
carelessly go
butt fuck by the lake,
why would the killer
return to the scene of a crime?
To cover his tracks.
Gosh.
I can't say I like
what you're implying there.
So let's look at
a couple facts, shall we?
We have a girl.
Your girl.
Currently deceased.
Got a party full of people,
watched you argue,
as they often do.
We got drugs,
we got booze,
and the only thing we know
for sure about this girl?
She currently
resides in a tub.
Whose tub?
Your tub.
Now, given those facts,
who would you think did it?
Oh, and of course, the, uh,
most damning
piece of evidence.
-The vampire.
-The vampire.
The vampire was what
I was gonna say.
[clock ticking]
[partygoer] You ever
danced with the devil
in the pale moonlight?
What?
Sorry.
I said,
you ever danced with the devil
in the pale moonlight?
Don't worry,
I say that to all my prey.
Yeah, I know about that.
[clock ticking]
Wow. You can drink a lot.
Yeah. I can.
So this
whole house is yours?
Yeah. It is.
Hmm.
[drink pouring]
[coughing]
[Vampire] Oh, careful.
Oh, you're--
you're freezing.
You, uh...
You wanna
come inside?
Yeah, let's go inside.
Ah, but you're right.
Murder and cheating
rarely intersected,
-you should be fine.
-Oh, no, I-- I didn't cheat.
I-- I mean,
I don't think I--
What? Came?
Ugh, now you're
making it disgusting, pervert.
I'm guessing a few people,
well, your girlfriend,
dead one,
included, may not share
your liberal
view of infidelity.
It's called
emotional cheating,
and it happens
to a lot of people.
Leave it at home, Tom.
Oh, I almost forgot one thing,
show him the tablecloth.
Whose blood
you suppose that is?
I-- I don't know.
So we should probably
get rid of that too, huh?
If you're being
100% honest,
can you say
that you remember
everything that
happened last night?
He eats cats.
[clock ticking]
Okay, I now realize
trying to explain ALF
to someone
who hasn't seen ALF
kinda makes me
sound like a lunatic.
I mean, how you know
who Michael Keaton's Batman is
but you haven't heard of ALF?
Wait, okay, Michael Keaton
is Pennsylvania pride.
I actually saw him
in a Long John Silver's once.
He was totally cool.
I still feel like he comes up
in pop culture like,
he's bowled a 286.
I mean, ALF,
he was this third man
in Three Men and a Baby.
Wait, you saying his name
over and over again
does not make me
know this person.
All right.
Okay, is something
wrong with your dick?
'Cause-- Yep,
that should help.
I mean--
I mean,
he's not like, uh,
it's like a--
like a puppet.
It's like a--
it's like a man
and like his little--
little man.
Like little brown puppet man
[indistinct].
[laughs]
[indistinct]
Right.
I should have known.
There were signs.
I'm not blowing a retard.
I am not my mom.
[Officer Shane]
So you admit it.
Admit what?
That you were
with the other girl.
That's what
we're talking about, right?
How would he know that?
How would anyone know that?
[urine splashing]
[clock ticking]
[party music playing inside]
This isn't gonna work.
What, are you too busy
thinking about
your fucking friend, Ralph?
[Hayes snoring]
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Ugh.
You know,
a finger or two up the old anus
oftentimes gets
the ball rolling.
Read into that what you will.
[Officer Shane] I got a hobby.
You want to know what it is?
-He likes trains.
-That's right, I like trains.
And I built this town
for the trains to roll through,
little place I like to call
Timberlake Falls.
It's lovely!
And the only thing
I love more than the train
and the good, hardworking
people of Timberlake Falls--
I thought it was more like
a retirement community
-slash fishing village kinda--
-No!
There's restaurants, shops.
There's a post office.
People work there.
The point is,
I got
a brand new hobby,
and that hobby is
sticking you in a dark hole
where the next light you see
will be the flames
burning your flesh
in eternal damnation!
[banging thud]
[Addison] And that's why...
we cut.
Look at it this way.
We're just
doing the cutting.
It's the difference between
stealing someone's wallet
versus finding a wallet
and keeping the money.
This feels worse.
[sighs]
I can understand
how you're conflicted.
I wasn't
as fond of her myself.
But when we get through this,
and I promise you,
we will get through this,
I guarantee you
I will make every effort to--
[thudding, Hayes screaming]
What the fuck!
I did that for you.
That right there
is the point of no return.
Whenever someone's gonna
find this body and say,
"Hey, why are there three
fucking chop marks in it?",
you're gonna
know the answer to that
'cause you saw me do it.
We don't have
time to grieve.
We're burning daylight.
Can you do me a favor and get
her purse and her phone?
They're gonna
have to come with us.
Hey!
Her purse and her phone.
Can you get them for me?
Please and thank you.
[panting]
[clock ticking]
-One night
-[Corpse, muffled] Excuse me.
Under the starlight
-Excuse me?
-One night
Without a lamplight
Excuse me, yeah.
Are these
your clothes in the dryer?
'Cause they've been
in here for a while,
and I'm about
to throw 'em on the ground.
Uh, I'm not doing laundry,
and those are women's clothes.
Okay, well, they could be
your girlfriend's clothes
or some
other weird reason.
You're sitting in a laundromat,
not doing laundry.
I don't have a girlfriend.
How about you?
Nope,
never had a girlfriend.
Kissed a few girls before,
but nothing ever stuck.
No, I meant,
how about you?
You wanna be
my girlfriend?
No, thanks.
I don't think
I've seen you here before.
You live around here?
You don't think you've seen me
in the laundromat before?
Yeah.
Well, the washing machine
I usually use is broken,
so I came here.
But somebody
definitely knows where I am,
if that's
what you're getting at.
What are you, the sheriff
of the laundromat or something?
No. I mean, I ran
for sheriff of the laundromat,
but I lost an election
that was clearly rigged.
You probably wanna
hear the whole story.
No, I'm actually
really sorry I asked,
that sounds boring.
I can assure you, laundromat
politics are anything but.
If you must know,
I'm waiting for someone.
I bet.
What happens
when you find them?
Does it start
with R and end with ape?
No, I'm searching for justice.
You probably wanna
hear the whole story.
Nope.
I remember it like
it was yesterday.
It all started
six months ago.
I was doing
some thrift store shopping.
Nothing really
blowing my hair back.
But then, out of the corner
of my eye, I see it.
Baby blue,
right size, perfect color.
You know,
I'd been hurt before.
Thought I'd found
the perfect shirt
only to have it
fit too tight
or have a hole in the armpit
or a bleach stain.
It fit like a glove.
Something happened that day.
The sun was
a little brighter.
Food tasted a little better,
and it would stay that way
until...
that day.
What happened?
It happened right here
in this very laundromat.
I remember it
like it was yesterday,
and even
remember the date.
September 11th.
Baby Blue went missing.
Stolen?
Well, I mean, clothing doesn't
just get up and walk away.
I hear some boots
are made for walkin'.
Okay, I get jokes.
See, ugh, I tried
to remember the last place
that I had
laundered it.
Then I remembered
the laundromat.
A hornet's nest had
driven me from my own washer.
Was there anyone else
in the laundromat?
Then I remembered
the cowboy.
I called him the cowboy
because, well,
he wore a cowboy hat,
and 'cause of the immortal
words he spoke to me.
[Hayes] Howdy.
So you're going to wait
down here all day
on the off chance
that the cowboy
decides to do laundry?
And an even slimmer chance,
that he stole your shirt?
Oh, he stole it, all right.
He's sick.
And I've been
monitoring his laundry habits.
Tuesdays seem
to be a sweet spot.
And how long
do you plan on waiting here?
As long as it takes.
And you don't
find that boring?
Well, I mean, I work nights
and, uh, whiskey helps.
[Corpse laughs]
Have you actually ever seen
the cowboy wear your shirt?
Oh, no, no, no.
He's way too smart for that.
He wasn't counting
on one thing.
Your delusions
and flexible schedule?
-Exactly.
-Okay.
So, I see him
in here the other day
and I set the trap.
"Howdy." he says,
like a fucking idiot.
Say, "I'm moving to Delaware."
[bell dings]
"So you won't be
seeing me around here no more.
Not in this town, and certainly
not in this laundromat."
It's gonna be great.
The cowboy is
going to mosey on in here
without a care
in the world.
And then he'll see me,
"Ah, ah, I thought you moved
to Delaware?"
Nope, asshole,
just doing some laundry.
[coins clinking]
-Need to borrow some quarters?
-[laughs]
Then I got him.
So why'd you actually
pack a suitcase
full of clothes
and bring it to the laundromat?
For weight. Why are you trying
to ruin this for me?
I'm just saying, there's
probably easier ways to do it.
I could seduce him,
spend the night,
steal the shirt
the next morning.
You'd be willing
to do that for me?
Maybe. I guess
I'd have to see the shirt.
Oh,
and by the way, back there,
you were just like,
"Hey, maybe these are
your girlfriend's clothes."
Very subtle way
of finding out if I'm single.
I think we've established
that it's probably gonna
stay that way for you.
Oh, yet here you are.
Waiting with me
in the laundromat, interesting.
I'm doing laundry!
And I guess
it would be kind of cool
to see the cowboy
punch you in the throat.
He sounds kinda hot.
What's your name?
You struck me
as the kind of fellow
that likes to be
in control of a situation.
[clock ticking]
But what I found about
most men's sexual desires,
is it's the opposite
of the image
they like to portray.
-[Hayes grunting in pain]
-[giggling]
Dominate might be
the wrong word.
Humiliate's more
of the word I'm looking for.
-Oh, yeah?
-Yeah.
Don't you think
it's humiliating
when you make
a girl suck your cock?
I haven't thought about it.
Why does everybody lie
about their sexual hang-ups?
I could do a really, really
good job at humiliating you.
[giggling]
[thudding]
Let's get
something straight.
I'm not one of these guys
who's all hung up
on not hitting women.
Yeah.
Would that ring your bell?
Me making you
suck a cock?
[thudding]
Let's put the cuckoo
back in the clock,
shall we?
No, you don't need
to get all huffy puffy.
I'm just saying
you have some
female domination
in your future.
Honestly, I don't feel
like I'm the marriage type.
[upbeat
percussive instrumental]
[moaning]

[moaning]
[Hayes] Are you eating?
Yeah, I have to.
I mean, to live.
What do you want,
two bodies to dispose of?
I'll tell you, though,
this is taking a lot longer
than I thought
it was going to.
It's gonna be
fucking dark soon.
We can't do this.
This is never gonna work.
Well, I certainly wish
you'd expressed
those concerns before!
Look, this little lady here
would tell anybody
who would listen to her
her dreams and aspirations
to leave this one horse town.
Maybe one day
that's just what she did.
Oh, look,
I gotta hand it to you.
Wait, is this her...
That's great!
It's not bad, right?
No leaks.
Oh, my God.
I have to throw up.
[coughing]
[doorbell rings]
[dance music playing]
This isn't gonna work.
[clock ticking]
What, are you too busy
thinking about
your fucking friend, Ralph?
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Ugh.
You know,
a digit or two up the old anus
oftentimes gets
the ball rolling.
Read into that
what you will.
Right.
This one's yours.
No, that one's not mine.
Your matching face paint
gives you away.
For what it's worth...
I think
his blood alcohol level
has rendered him useless
for my immediate
purposes as well.
How long
has he been useless for you?
What?
There are only two reasons
a man would wear
Raggedy Andy face paint.
He's trying to fuck you.
And hey,
who could blame him.
Or, he is
already fucking you,
and he's just
been worn down
to some kind
of submission point.
So what now?
Some hair pulling?
Us tumbling out
onto the front lawn?
Agreed.
In our ridiculous costumes
this could provide
some levity, but...
given what I'm taking
is disillusionment from you,
I'm hoping
we can avoid that?
Fuck it,
it's way too fucking cold out,
and he's not worth it.
I think
that's an excellent choice.
And I even have
an alternative.
It's called cocaine,
and everybody's doing it.
Now, I'm of course
not suggesting that drugs
are the answer,
but they can be a answer.
Fuck it.
I think I got some straws
in my purse from the drive-in.
And there's a mirror
over here somewhere.
-Mm-mm-mm, can't do it.
-No?
No, something about
doing hard drugs
and having to look at myself
when I do them depresses me.
Bible?
That is fine.
Is your boyfriend
some kind of bible beater?
[clock ticking]
I don't know
what the Bible's all about.
It probably
came with the house.
He inherited it
and all the shit in it.
He just
lets things happen to him,
that's kind of his thing.
So who's this guy
in all the pictures?
Oh, that's Addison,
that's his butt buddy.
Does he live here, too?
He might as well.
Who's he dating,
him or you?
There are
a lot of pictures of him.
Yeah, there's one
back there of me, actually.
[Vampire] This one?
Oh, yeah. Here we go.
[Corpse sniffing]
Probably just waiting
to get a proper frame.
[laughing]
Do you wanna kill him?
You think
we could get away with it?
There's only
one way to find out.
It's pretty hard to kill
somebody who's already dead.
[clock ticking]
[sniffing]
It's a cool house.
[Corpse] It's a cold house.
And he lives here all alone?
[Corpse] Yeah.
I wish he never got it.
It's given him
just enough reason
to never do anything.
Oh, my God,
this is the sleeping bag.
The sleeping bag
we first had sex in.
-Sleeping bag?
-Yeah.
That's below futon.
So you lived in New York?
Yeah.
[clock ticking]
I'm moving there
this summer.
My aunt
lives in Astoria.
You know where that is?
Don't tell people
you're going to New York.
What? Why?
Because... one day
you might not go,
and you'll begrudgingly
have to stop saying it.
Well, I'm definitely going,
so don't worry about me.
Listen,
I don't mean to discourage you.
I mean, you're about
180 pounds lighter,
that should make it
easier for you to get there.
I had to swear off
relationships altogether.
Someone you'll
wind up hating has robbed you
of your
most precious resource.
-So true.
-Time.
It's precious
because you can't get it back.
Humans can
really waste your time.
Don't bother with them.
Unless they get in your way.
Then you
mow them the fuck down.
Are you with me?
-Are you with me?
-Yeah.
Oh, shit.
-You're bleeding.
-Oh, fuck!
-Oh, wait, wait.
-Oh, my God.
Don't tip it-- don't tip
it back, tip it forward.
-[Corpse] Oh my God.
-Good, good.
-I'm such an idiot.
-[Vampire] No, no, no, no.
It's a little one,
it's a small one, you're good.
Fucking idiot,
I ruined your fucking coke.
-No, it's okay.
-Oh, fuck.
That's perfectly fine.
And I think
you look great.
What are you doing?
Do you wanna
fuck around on top of him?
["Coldwater Canyon"
by Heavy Young Heathens]
Life is a motherfucker
[moaning]
[clock ticking]
[Corpse] What was that thing
you said again, you know,
about the ones
that get in your way?
[mumbling] What wa--
What was-- What...
What was that?
Mow 'em the fuck down.
[glass shattering]
Excuse me for a second.
Hey, hold on, hold on!
Fuck!
["Sittin' Pretty"
by Brendan Benson]
If I point
my gun at you
Are you gonna
see it my way?
And if I tell
you what to do
Sharon Tate.
-Jesus! Piss outside.
-I already did.
[rewinding audio]
[TV announcer] Hot dogs
with all the trimmings.
For men and boys,
girls and women.
[clock ticking]
Showtime starts in one minute.
[clock ticking]
When things are heating up...
[Corpse laughs]
I'm gonna fucking kill you.
[TV presenter]
... why not take one last trip
to the concession stand
to cool down
with a tasty treat?
Whatever happened
to cursive writing?
You remember that shit?
[clock ticking]
In school,
they acted like
it was the only way
you'd be able to communicate.
Meanwhile,
I never use it.
-Oh!
-[laughs]
Computers.
It's like everything else,
the machines are taking over.
[Hayes] How close do you think
we are to creating a robot
we can have sex with?
Oh, tech's there,
that's what's gonna happen.
Machines are gonna rise up,
intercourse us and kill us.
[Hayes] Would you be upset
if I had sex with a robot?
Is that cheating?
[Corpse] Surprisingly,
I've never thought of it.
[coin clinking]
Well, if you say it's cheating,
I'm gonna call bullshit
'cause you have
a vibrator and that's
pretty much
the same fucking thing.
[Corpse] Why would you be
fucking the robot and not me?
Well,
I would imagine it's because
the robot might be
willing to do a few things
that you're not willing to do,
at least not while sober.
-Mm.
-[coin clinking]
Now, I would definitely
have sex with a robot.
[chuckles]
That's a shocker.
I may have already,
I'm not sure.
-Is a vacuum a robot?
-[coin clinking]
The problem would be
if you started
to prefer sex with a robot
over your partner.
[Addison] It is interesting.
He does jerk off more now
that he's
in the relationship.
Now, he says he uses you
as the final fuel
for the orgasm,
if that's any consolation.
Well, I think
that's a standup move.
How does he know all this?
The same way I know
you have a fucking vibrator.
Okay,
thank you for all of this.
[Addison] You're very welcome.
Wait,
was that not sincere?
[friend] The good news is,
if you take those courses
I was telling you about?
You'd be better equipped
to maintain your robot.
What courses?
[Hayes] These, uh,
electrician courses.
Said it only took him,
what, two years?
And entry level
$15 an hour.
Why would you
want to do that?
[Hayes]
Uh, because $15 an hour
is a hell
of a lot more than I make now
and I like to use money
to buy goods and services?
[Addison] You don't want to be
a fucking electrician.
[Hayes] Well, I don't wanna
sling popcorn either.
[coin clinking]
[Addison] What the fuck is
wrong with slinging popcorn?
Nothing,
I just want more
in my bank account
than $500.
[Corpse] You're actually
gonna have to do something
about that to change that,
did you know it?
Hey, you know what?
You make
his personal life miserable.
Does he have to be
miserable at work as well?
God, I am miserable at work.
[Addison] No, I mean,
you would be
more miserable
as an electrician.
[friend]
As the only one here
who's an actual electrician,
I can say
that I'm not miserable.
Well, okay, how about I check
back with you
in a couple of years
when you're cleaning out
the anus of your sex robot,
and you have to take
a real hard look at your life?
[friend] The whole thing
about liking your job
sounds great in theory,
but do you know
that many people
that actually love their job?
[Addison] I don't care.
I just know
that he wouldn't like your job.
[Corpse] So why do you assume
it's me that makes
his personal life miserable?
Okay, I never said
my life was miserable.
[Addison] Well, of course
your life is miserable.
Why the fuck do you think
he's jerking off so much?
Okay, I don't jerk--
I jerk off
the normal amount, all right?
[friend] It's a pretty
sweet gig, though.
You get health insurance,
paid time off.
[Corpse] Do you get stock
options?
[friend] Well,
certain companies, you can--
[Addison] Oh, my God.
She is not being serious.
Those people who say
that it's never too late
to go back to school,
that is absolutely not true.
It is too late.
There is an expiration date.
Plus, it's a proven fact
that most electricians
are convicted sex offenders.
[Corpse]
Are you so scared of success
that you're
determined to bring
everybody down
to your level?
[Addison]
I'm not scared of success,
I've achieved success.
I've gotten everything I want.
For your information, sister,
I am a natural-born leader.
[Corpse] Oh, God, at what?
Okay. Look at movies.
You know,
whatever disaster it is,
be it robot,
alien or zombie,
I'm your natural leader type.
I'm sarcastic,
quick on my feet,
seemingly
never amounted to much.
I probably
still have an ex-girlfriend
that carries
a bit of a torch for me.
So, in this situation,
does our hero
get winded
after running 30 yards?
'Cause you seem
to have a problem with that.
Believe you me.
When the robots come,
and they rise up to,
you know,
fuck us/kill us,
I'll be ready to lead.
Trust me, you do not want
to be a fucking electrician.
[Hayes] That's not in dispute.
Nobody wants
to be an electrician.
-[coin clinking]
-Shit.
[doorbell ringing]
Who's that?
Well, I can't see
'cause there's a wall there.
-[knocking on door]
-[doorbell ringing]
[man] Hello, guys.
I need to talk to you.
Just wanna ask you
a couple of questions
about a party
you had here last night.
Don't say anything
and he'll go away.
-Be right there!
-What the fuck are you doing?
[knocking on door]
[Clyde] Hello?
We need to know who that is.
It's probably just
some idiot customer.
Then you answer it.
I would, but it really looks
like it's my time of the month.
Look, it's only 5:30,
there's no way
that can be anybody important.
All formal complaints
must be lodged down
at the drive-in during
regular business hours.
You said it
one million times,
I just need
you to say it right now.
But what if it's not nobody?
Well, we need
to know that, too.
[Clyde] Mr. Hayes?
Yeah, I'm the manager
of the drive-in.
Great. Are you the owner
of this house?
Yeah. It's, uh--
it's a private residence.
And you're Mr. Hayes?
Yeah.
How do you know that?
It's right down there
in the mailbox.
Oh, yeah, right.
So, would you be the person
who was hosting a party
here last night?
A Halloween party?
Uh, yeah, I mean,
at the drive-in.
We're closing for the season,
so we had a--
a small staff party.
But it was a Halloween party?
People in costume?
Yeah. I dressed up too.
Uh, do you dress up?
Never really celebrated
the day, Mr. Hayes.
Do you live here alone?
[Hayes] Yep.
I thought I heard
another person in there.
[Hayes] Nope.
Are you okay, Mr. Hayes?
You seem anxious.
Is there something wrong?
Yeah, I'm just, uh--
just a little hungover.
Makes sense.
Probably had something to do
with the alcohol.
I don't know
if I look familiar to you.
Don't worry, I'm not here
in any official capacity.
If I was,
I'd come out with a partner.
It's procedure.
I'm just hoping
you can help me.
With what?
I'm looking for a girl.
[dramatic echo]
-What?
-She was here,
she was at the party.
Is she missing?
Yep, and that has me
very worried.
I wanted to get here sooner,
but there were some issues.
I think there's a fair chance
she may be here in this house.
No, like I told you,
I'm here by myself.
Mr. Hayes,
this is all I need.
I just need to come in and ask
you a few very basic questions.
You answer honestly,
and I'm fairly certain
I can determine whether
she's in the house or not.
I'm not here to bother you,
I'm here to help.
But time is a factor.
Mr. Hayes, did you have
some sort of accident today?
-What?
-Your shirt,
it has something on it.
-Did you cut yourself?
-Oh, no, that's, uh...
barbecue sauce
from smoking ribs out back.
Really?
-Hangover cure?
-Yeah, it's a, uh,
consuming endeavor.
-Hmm, I bet.
-Mm-hmm.
You know I do love ribs...
but they are some messy
suckers, ain't they?
You know... [sniffing]
... I think
I can smell 'em.
Mm. [smacking lips]
Tastes okay to me.
Sweet.
So, Mr. Hayes,
are you gonna let me in?
What'd you say your name was?
Clyde.
Yeah, I'm, uh-- Mr. Clyde,
I'm really busy,
but, you know, if you wanna
leave your name and number,
-I'll be sure--
-Unfortunately,
the situation at hand
has the potential
to be fairly severe.
So I'm gonna have to
adjust accordingly
as to the next thing I do.
Mr. Hayes, I have to
get into the house,
but I wanna be
100% clear,
I mean you no harm.
But if you stand in my way,
I will have to overpower you
for the greater good.
-You're gonna attack me?
-I've done it.
If you would prefer
to restrain yourself
while I look around the house,
I am more than happy
with that route.
But now, as I say,
we are short on time,
so I'm only gonna be able to go
with the standard three count.
-One...
-What-- just give me--
You got two more.
Two. Two and a half.
-[electronic music]
-[moaning softly]
[moaning softly]
Are your eyes closed?
Are they not supposed to be?
Well, typically,
when your eyes are closed,
you're thinking
about somebody else.
So I'm supposed
to look at you the whole time?
'Cause, I mean,
I can't really see your face,
so I can't be
100% sure it's you.
I'm not saying you need
to stare at me the whole time,
I'm just talking about
being in the moment.
All right, well,
I'll just stare at the ceiling
with my eyes wide open.
Like a maniac.
[clears throat]
-[Corpse] What the fuck?
-Bro.
[Corpse] What the fuck,
get out of here!
-You guys want me to leave?
-[Corpse] God.
Why does she have more
than one pair of shoes here?
-What is she, living here now?
-Get out.
Don't you come at me
with an erection, number one.
You know,
this is your fault.
You guys
were supposed to pick me up.
Took me an hour to walk
here from the beer store.
[scoffs] Took you
an hour to walk a mile?
That's certainly
not the point.
Take a look at the sun, guys,
it's almost dusk.
You guys are
fucking killing me.
All right, listen,
I'm not going.
Well, that's stupid.
She scored tickets,
we're driving to Philly.
Tickets to what?
The gay show?
All right, you know what,
I told you
we should've
done this in the car.
You're the one that
wanted to come home
-and change your shirt.
-Are you crazy?
A Frighteners,
Dead Alive double feature,
that comes along once,
maybe twice in a lifetime.
[Corpse] Your next blowjob
is so far away
from this moment right now.
Well, you know what,
the good news is
I don't need you fucking fools.
Just your car keys.
[Hayes] I don't have my car,
we're taking hers.
-Is that my shirt?
-[banging]
[Addison] That's just great.
You know what?
You don't need a fucking car.
Well, it's a drive-in,
so it's fairly
fucking important--
-Yeah, you know what?
-What are you doing?
Well,
I want you to leave, so...
I was just sucking his dick
and I kissed you, so...
I don't care
for what you did just there.
Can I borrow your radio?
[thud on door]
That sounded like
another girl's shoe.
[doorbell ringing]
[Clyde] Oh, uh, Mr. Hayes?
[Addison] No, he's upstairs
getting blown.
Can I help you guys?
What are you,
a couple of-- ah, shit.
My name is Clyde
and this is Ethan.
Super, guys, look,
I'd love to chat,
but I'm on my way
to the movies.
-Movies?
-Yeah. Forget about it.
It's a recent development.
But please come inside
and, uh, I sure as hell
hope you have some
literature to leave for me.
[doorbell rings]
Two and a half!
Does anyone
ever take the option
to restrain themselves?
[Clyde] You'd be surprised.
Most people would do
a lot to avoid confrontation.
Can-- can I get you something?
You know what I would love?
I would love
a glass of water.
You must not get too many
trick or treaters around here,
being so isolated at all.
[Hayes] Uh, not really.
Help yourself.
Are you the owner
of the drive-in as well?
[Hayes] Uh, nope.
Job just kinda came
with the place.
-Right place, right time?
-Yeah.
[tense music]
[exhaling loudly]
So...
this girl.
Uh, yeah,
do you have a picture or...
[laughs]
No.
[Hayes] Is she
in some sort of trouble?
[Clyde] I think
she's very dead, Mr. Hayes.
Does this house
have a basement?
-[loud grinding]
-What was that?
Uh, I-- I didn't hear anything.
Mr. Hayes, where's the body?
The sooner you take me to it,
the sooner I can kill her.
[Addison screams]
[Hayes] Whoa, okay,
that I heard.
Sun's going down,
but we still have time.
They're not very active
when they first rise.
-[growling]
-[glass shattering]
-[Clyde grunting]
-[squelching sounds]
[eerie music]
[distorted voice] Sorry
we didn't get a proper breakup.
[Hayes panting]
I'm sure it would have been
underwhelming.
Taking your jacket.
She got away from me.
[distorted groaning]
[thudding]
[water running]
[clock ticking]
[moaning]
[Addison banging on tub]
Hey.
Hello?
Hey.
Hey.
[laughs]
Is that fucking funny?
You know, I don't think
I've ever seen you
breathe that hard.
Besides that one time
I watched you change a tire.
-You got a light?
-[water splashing]
[sighs] Thanks.
Pretty amazing one's mindset
before and after they come.
[Addison coughing]
Sad what men go through
for the elusive...
[imitating moaning]
[Addison breathing heavily]
I knew it was over
when I caught him up there
with the fucking vampire.
Great. Well, I mean,
that means I win a bet.
And let me be
the first to say,
I will be sad
to see you go.
Are you ever serious?
I don't know,
are you ever funny?
You know,
I got a joke for you.
Tell me
if you've heard this one.
Rape.
[giggles]
Rape. Get it?
-Hilarious.
-You get it, because--
Rape.
-Rape!
-Stop.
-Rape!
-Knock it off!
Somebody help! Rape!
You know, I've faked
a lot of orgasms in my life,
-but never nothing like this.
-[Addison] Enough!
-[loud banging]
-Rape!
-Knock it off.
-Rape!
-Stop.
-Rape!
-[loud banging]
-Help me, somebody!
-[angelic music over radio]
-Help me, somebody!
[water splashing]

[water splashing]

[clock ticking]
[radio DJ] And I dunno
about you guys,
but I'm having trouble
keeping my eyes open.
Uh, don't let your sweet
dreams become nightmares
because tonight is the night.
There are monsters
tonight, folks.
And they
don't all wear masks.
[laughing maniacally]
[Vampire singing]
Daddy's gone a-hunting
Off to fetch
a rabbit skin
To wrap his
baby bunting in
[Corpse whimpering]
Hi, there.
I'm sorry to report that
last night you were a victim...
-[door knocking]
-[Addison] Occupied.
[Corpse]
How long has he been in here?
[Vampire] ...of the date
rape drug, Rohypnol.
Jesus Christ.
-[men scream]
-[coughing & choking]
[indistinct mumbling]
What?
[mumbling] Lock all the doors
and windows!
Did you fix that latch
on the side door?
I think you
know the answer to that.
Do you have any weapons
anywhere?
I think my grandfather
kept an ax in the shed.
[door thudding]
[suspenseful music]
[choking]
There's another one out there.
Another what?
[Vampire] How much do you
know about vampires?
Doesn't matter.
Last night,
you were also the victim
of a vampire bite.
I wasn't allowed
to finish what I started
because the roofie
left your blood tainted,
which I'm highly
susceptible to.
When the time comes...
one of you...
is gonna have to stake me.
To be safe.
Tip to the heart. One--
I get it.
All right, you heard the man.
Why don't you go to the shed
and see if there's any weapons
-we can find?
-Oh, yeah?
We're gonna listen
to what this guy
has to say about vampires?
You mean the man
imparting his dying words
through a wound
in his throat?
-Yeah, I'll hear him out.
-We don't know that he's dying!
-I'm most certainly dying.
-Shut the fuck up, Clyde!
Your physical body is dead.
Your transition
and the fact that somebody
partially mutilated your body
is gonna leave you
in a very weakened state.
[whimpering]
Probably take two weeks
of feeding and care
to get you back
to stable strength.
Fortunately, I'd say sunrise
is gonna take care of you
in roughly 12 hours.
[clock ticking]
If, and this is
a big fucking if,
there is something out there,
I'm not gonna be
the one going to the shed.
I'll be as dead as this guy.
She's not an "if."
-She's a vampire.
-Yeah, we heard you.
I've hunted and tracked
vampires for over 20 years.
I tracked her here.
Oh, you know, you seem
really good at your job.
A girl!
Tall, pale, brunette.
Probably dressed as a vampire.
Did either of you ever
encounter a woman like this?
Right,
I'll go to the shed.
So...
what do you think
this vampire wants?
-[Corpse crying]
-I never wanted this.
Okay?
This was just about the house.
Winter is coming, and this
is fucking Pennsylvania.
I wish I could do you quick
and painlessly myself,
but that's double-dipping,
and them are the rules.
-[Corpse crying]
-Oh, I can do this.
Hold on.
So which, of any of this shit,
is a weapon?
Is that--
Is this fucking rice in here?
She's already been invited in.
There's little you could do
to combat her attack.
At this hour,
you won't survive.
Well, it's a matter
of opinion, Clyde,
and I don't give
a fuck about yours.
I won't go into it,
but the long and short is,
for many years, certain
sects of Jehovah's Witnesses
hunted and killed vampires.
In a plan based on cost
and efficiency,
a few years back,
they got into the
bottled water business.
Unrelated
to vampire hunters,
this was just something
for the other 90%
of door-knocking dummies
who got thirsty.
Nonetheless,
the end result was
a mass-produced
holy fucking water.
[soft suspenseful music]
-[banging]
-Not a great choice, I know.
Dying from the outside in.
Or the inside out.
But the holy water
will be quicker.
Both will be an intense burning
like nothing you've ever felt.
Both will last longer
than you'd like.
[Corpse sobbing]
[crying continues]
You were supposed to be
painless.
In fact, you...
were supposed to be pleasant.
[panting]
-[bones cracking]
-Now.
Well, you tell me,
Mr. Addison, Mr. Hayes,
how many more people
are gonna have to die
horribly painful deaths?!
Huh?
I couldn't find
that fucking ax anywhere,
but I did tie the side door
shut with some bungee cords.
Oh, shit.
-He's dead?
-He's dead.
Oh, my God,
did you stake him?
[Addison]
That's what the man said to do.
On the good news front,
it actually turned out
to be helpful for once
that we covered
the floor in plastic.
I wasn't even
gone that long.
He died in that time?
Yeah, he was bleeding fairly
heavily from the neck.
So he died,
and then you staked him?
Or he died
because you staked him?
What difference does it make?
[upbeat pop music]
I've fallen
for your stories
Oh so many times
And now
it's getting boring
Your excuses and your lies

Did you order a pizza?
Drop the pizza on the porch,
I got her.

-Now what?
-Run.
Uh-huh, uh-huh
[distant screaming]
Still out there,
still very much a vampire.
I'm out, I'm out
I'm out the door,
out the door
I don't need, I don't need
You hanging
'round me anymore
[Corpse moaning]
Without you by my side
[Hayes] Uh, yeah,
you have a picture or...
[Clyde] No.
[Hayes] Is she in some
sort of trouble?
[Clyde] I think
she's very dead, Mr. Hayes.
Does this house
have a basement?
What was that?
[Hayes] I-- I-- I didn't
hear anything.
[Clyde] Mr. Hayes,
where's the body?
[grinding noise]
The sooner you take me to her,
the sooner I can kill her.
[Addison screaming]

Ay-ay-ay
I'm at the door
Ay-ay-ay
Ay-ay-ay
I'm better off on my own
I don't need
to relive in a bit
So why don't you check
if I asked
'Cause I'm waiting
for [indistinct]
I'm out, I'm out
I'm out the door,
I'm out the door
I don't need,
I don't need
You hanging
'round me anymore
It feels good,
it feels good
Without you by my side
So long
And thank you for the ride

[channels
changing on radio]
["Sleep With the Lights On"
by Stephen Collins]
I only see you
in a nightmare