The Dilemma of Desire (2020) Movie Script

-Thiswastheoriginalversion
of"Gray'sAnatomy."
Ifyougoto
thetableofcontents...
...theclitoris
ismentioned
onlike,page372.
Youwouldthinkthat
youwouldseeit.
Eventhoughit'sin
thetableofcontents,
Ican'tfindtheword"clitoris"
onthispageatall.
Notpresenthereatall.
Buthere,here'sthepenis,
withthevariousarteriesthat
theyweretalkingabout
andveinsthatinnervateit.
Butthere'snoimagery
offemaleanatomy.
It'salmostasiftheywiped
womanhoodoutofthetext.
Now,thereare
manykindsofpower.
Boththeonesweuse
andtheones
wedonotyetuse.
Theeroticoffers
awellofreplenishing
andprovocativeforce
toanywoman
whodoesnotfear
itsrevelation.
Warnedagainstitallourlives
byamaleworld,
wehavecometodistrust
thatpower
whichrisesfrom
ourdeepestknowledge.
Whenwebegintolive
intouchwiththepower
oftheerotic,
thenwebegintoberesponsible
toourselves
inthedeepestsense.
-We'reheretoday,
kindoflikethefollow-upto
the"CliticalThinking"events.
Byshowofhands,
howmanyofyouwereaware
oftheclitorisstructure
priortothis?
Okay,youwereaware
thatitwas
thisvastinternalstructure?
That'sawesome,because
mostwomendonotknow.
-Ithinkaboutthefirsttime
Isawlike,adrawing
inmysixthgrade
liketextbook
andtheclitoris
waslike...
itwaslikeabutton.
Idon'teventhinktheteacher
readoverthatpart.
-Itoldlikemygrandma
aboutit.
Youknow,mygrandma's
superinterested,anditwas
kindoflike,
mademesadandhappy
thatshewassohappytoknow
becauseIwaslike,
Iwishshecouldhave
knownbefore,youknow?
-Nowlistenup
Nowgatherround
Nowlistenup
Gatherroundnow
-...throughouttherest
oftheclass
tochatwithmeaboutit.
Allright,youwannatake
thepetridishnow
andputitunder
thedissectionmicroscope...
Allofthisstartedmaybe
abouttwosummersago.
Itaughtaclasscalled
BiologyofWomanhood.
Oneofthechaptersinthebook
thatIwasusingasatext
wasentitled"theclitoris."
Andithitme,Idon'tevenknow
whatthislookslike.
Isaid,okay,lemmegeton
Google,soIwent...
SoIsaid,"clitoris,"
GoogleImages,right?
Andthefirstthingthatpopsup
wasSophiaWallace'swork.
Isaid,whoa.
That'swhataclitoris
lookslike?
Ijustgotreallyupset.
Asawomanbiologist,
howisitpossible
thatIdonotknow
whatmyownbiology
lookslike?
It'sinsulting,right?
Okay,soyou'remad,
whatareyougonnadoaboutit?
IdecidedthatIwantedtouse
thistofuelmylife'swork
totrytogetabetter
understandingoftheclitoris.
Andthatkindabroughtme
toinvitingSophiadown
forafullweekofevents
surroundingtheclitoris,
becauseherworkwasreally
theimpetustoinspirethis.
Andshehad
herworkattheartgallery.
Thatwasphenomenal
formetosee.
MywholelifeIfeellike,
broughtmeto"Cliteracy."
Ihadheardastoryabout
mygrandmother
whohadrecentlypassedaway.
Towardstheendofherlife,
sheconfessedtooneofherkids
thatshedidn'tthink
she'deverhadanorgasm,
andshe'dhadfivechildren.
AsIwasthinkingaboutthis,
Ibasically
couldn'tstoptalkingaboutit.
AndIwashavingaconversation,
andImetafeminist
whowaslike,well,
youknowthatit'sactually
this,like,bigorgan.
AndIwaslike,what?
SoIGoogledand
foundthisarticle
abouttheinternalclitoris.
AndIwasdumbfoundedthat
alloftheanatomythatIhad
beentaughtandthatwastaken
forgrantedexcluded
thetruthofmyanatomy.
Ijustcouldn'ttakeitthat
therepresentationsofsex
andsexualityalmost
universallyexclude
theclitorisasbeingnecessary.
Andthat'sjustabsurd.
Imean,that'sjust
absolutelyabsurd.
It'sakintotheseideasthatwe
usedtohaveinmedievaltimes
thattheuniverserevolved
aroundtheEarth.
It'sasimilaridea
ofwhatsexis,
thatitrevolvesaround
thestraightmaleerection.
Itjustoverwhelmedme,
hauntingme,obsessingme.
Like,everythingIdid.
Howisitpossiblethatnoone's
callingbullshitonthis?
Startedoutcreating
theword"cliteracy"
andthencreating
the"100LawsofCliteracy."
Sosomeofthelaws
weretheseveryserious,
establishingthefundamental
righttobeoftheclit.
Andotherparts
werejustlike,joyful.
Like"theclitisepic,
fuckyes."
Istartedtohavethesetexts
cometomeatthegym
listeningto,
youknow,hiphop,
andthenIwouldjuststart
remixingallthesongs
fortheclitandhaving
alittlebitoflike...
bravadofortheclit,
orlikeswaggerfortheclit.
This,youknow,oneof
thelawsofCliteracy,
thisisremixing
aBigDaddyKanelyric.
-Ain'tnohalfsteppin'
I'mBigDaddyKane
Ain'tnohalfsteppin'
-Thisone...
Thisisashoutoutforme
forlike,alltheteenagegirls
andwomenover
thecourseoftheirlife
whoaretoldtolike,
suckadick.
Suckadick,bitch.
ThelawsweresortoftheDNA
orlikethekindof
foundationoftheproject.
Fromthere,Istartedworking
ontheform.
Atthebeginning,
seeingherwork,
Ifeltbefuddlement.
IthoughtI'dunderstood
thegeneralidea
ofwhataclitoriswas.
Andthenitwaslike,well,
whywouldyouwannamake
awholebodyofwork
basedaroundtheclitoris?
Whyisthis
animportantsubject?
ButIthinknobodyhadtaken
thetimetothinkabout
theseconcepts,andthat's
thechallengeforanyartist...
-Yes.
...ishowdoyoumake
beautifulthings
thatsaysomething
abouttheculture?
Ididn'tknowwhat
thereactionwouldbe.
Butfromtheopeningnight,
Imean,peoplewerejustat
"The100Laws"
thereforalongtime.
Theywerepostingitlikecrazy.
Thepiecewentviral
in"TheHuffingtonPost."
Soitwasjustlike,people
werelike,whatisthis?
Andjustsomanypeople
beinglike,
untilIexperienced
yourproject,like,
I'vebeenhavinglike,
reallyhorriblesex,like,
andIneverthoughtthatIhad
anyrighttoanythingelse.
Idon'tevenfeelcomfortable
sayingthesewords.
-Thenreading"The100Laws,"
it'sjustlike,wow.
Iwaslike,
thisistrue.
Thisis--it'sjust...
-Ijustthinkthatitkindof
openedmyeyestolike,
alotofdifferentthings
thataretakenawayfromus
thatwe'relike
supposedtohide.
-Myfavorite,
"salivaisnotlube."
Donotspitonyourhand...
-Sayitagain!
-...andputthatonme.
-Itwaslikedeception.
Like,you'rebornwiththis,
andyouknowallabout
thepenis.
Oh,don'tgetmestarted.
Like,youknowwhat
it'sliketopleaseaman
becauseeverybodyalways
talksabout,oh,yeah,
yougottapleaseyourman,
dothis,dothat.
Butnobodyevertalksaboutyou.
-Assoonas
yousaid"deception,"
itkindalikehitme'cause...
My,um,last,um...
sexualencounter...
kindagoing,
I'mnotgettingthetypeof...
-Satisfaction?
-Yes.
ThatIneedfromyou.
Andhe'slike,
what'swrongwithyou?
Menothavingthat
understanding,I'm,like,
Iwaslike,oh,what
iswrongwithme,like...
Youknow,youkinda
internalizeoncertainstuff
andit'slike,no,you'renot
stimulatingtheclitoris.
Thatdeception,
itain'tme,it'syou,
youknow?
Mmm...
Allthedeceit.
Womenneedtoknowthat
theyhavethisstructure.
Menareneverinthedark
thattheyhaveapenis
andwhatapeniscando.
- That'sonesmallstepforman,
onegiantleap
formankind.
-Forsomereason,
thevaginahas
beentheseatofwhat
womenhaveunderstoodis
wheretheyreceivepleasure,
andthat'scompletelyalie.
It'scompletelyalie.
It'sunfairthatwehave
toacceptthelieasourtruth.
-Sexualityispurposefully
hiddenfromwomen.
Ifyoulietosomeone,
iftheydon't--
ifthey'renotabletohave
afull,holisticexperience
oftheirexistence,
thenyoucancontrollike,
howtheyeven
cancontemplate
thepossibilityoftheirlife.
Pleaseputyourhands
togetherforCoriama.
-Iconsidermyself
apleasurepriestess.
Idoamonthly
masturbationnewsletter.
-Ooh!
-Um,so,like,eachweek,
everydayonMonday,Ijust
givedifferentintentions
tostartyourweek
withpleasure.
WhenIthinkaboutpleasure,
Ithinkaboutit
ineverydaycontexts.
Ifyouwanttoenjoyyour
fullexperienceasahuman,
youhavetoseepleasurein
apractical,everydaysense.
Idon'tevenremember
thefirsttime
thatIreallyunderstood
whatclitorismeant,
butIrememberthefirsttime
Iunderstoodtheorgasmic
possibilitiesoftheclitoris.
Andthatwaslike,when
ImovedtoChicagoat21.
Hey.
-Girl,hello.
-Hi.
-You'relookingcute.
Iboughtmanyoptions.
I'mopentowhateveryoudecide.
-Dolan,he'sjustcoolasfuck.
Like,it'sjustlike,
wejustvibe.
Wehavealotincommon.
Ilikethis.
We'rebothqueer...
-Youwantthis?
-Yeah.
Yeah,Ilikethatalot.
Thatlookscute.
Sometimes,youjust
gettiredashell
ofnotgettingwhatyouwant.
-Thisis,like,oneoption.
-No,no,Ilikethis,
butIdon'tknow
aboutthebottoms.
-Oh.
-IfI'msharingmybody
withyou,
thisshouldbeenjoyable
forbothofus.
Soformeitwaslike,well,
let'sjusttalkaboutit
likewetalkabout
anythingelse.
Butittooksometimeforme
tohavetheconfidence
andcouragetoexpressit.
-Blackshirt,
thatcouldbeanoption.
-Ithinkyoushould
wearitlikethat.
-Whatdoyoumean,
likenoshirtunderit?
-Mmm.
Idon'twearanything
underthis.
-Hmm.
It'satanartgallery.
-Iknow.
-AndIfeellikeIstillhave,
like,sometimeshesitation.
Allcanyoudoisjust--
youtrytomakeit
alighthearted,
funexperience.
Butitisvery,youknow,
scaryto,like,talkabout...
dang,ifyoujustputyour
fingeralittlecentimeter
totheleft,thatwillbe
fantastic,or,like...
Somethingverylike,youknow,
itcanbesomethingsosimple.
Ireallydon'tfeellike
puttingonlotion.
-Youwantmetoputiton?
-Yeah.
Canyoudothisboob?
Sideboob?
You'resocute.
You'renotgonnahurtit.
Itwasadollar.
WhenIthinkaboutwomen
inrelationshipswithmen,
alotofthetime
theydon'tfeelempowered
tonegotiatewhat
theyactuallyneed.
Sexualityhasbeenthemedium
orthemodeinwhichItry
togetpeopletounderstand
thewaythatoppressionworks.
Ithinkpleasureis
aformofresistance.
Yes.
"UsesofErotica"
byAudreLorde,
that'sbeenlike
thefoundationalessay
inmypractice.
Shewassaying
it'salevelofpower
withbeinganarousingperson.
Weallhaveitinsomeways.
Thepotencydepends
ontheperson.
That'sthereasonwhypeople
wanttocontrolwomen.
Tobeabletocontrol
somebody'sbody
isaverylike,powerfultool.
Let'sstartwithsexeducation.
Whatdoadolescents
needtoknowaboutsexuality?
-Fourthandfifthgrade,
starttalkingaboutlike,
themechanismsbehindit,
howdoesitwork,and...
whathappensifthingsgowrong?
-Whataboutpleasure?
-Yeah.
-Discoursesofpleasure,
aretheyappropriate...
-Well,Ithinkthereneeds
-...forchildren?
-...tobestudies
tofigureoutwhat,who--
-Therearen'tgonnabe--
Icantellyourightnow,
ifyouwanttostudychildren
andsexualpleasure,
youwillbetakento
amountaintopandpushedoff.
Overthecourse
ofhumanhistory,
parentshavecontrolled
thesexuality
andintimacy
oftheirchildren.
Morepowerfulgroupshave
controlledintimacy
andsexualityin
lesspowerfulgroups.
Youknow,thathas
alwaysbeenasite
fortheexerciseofcontrol.
-Thinkit'ssoabsurd
livinginUtah,
whereyoucan'tevensay
theword"sex"inschools.
-Yeah.
-Wesexualizebodies.
There'snothinginherently
sexualaboutknowingabout
whataclitorisis,right?
Like,peoplehavethem--
Well,itsmainpurpose
issexualpleasure.
Itakeadvantageof
everyopportunity
tospeakaboutsexuality.
AndI'mthinkingtomyself,
ohmygod,I'mlike,
talkingabouttheclitoris
at7:30inthemorning
tothesestudentsinUtah.
-Ithinkitshouldbe
basedonthelocalcontext,
andincludetheinput
ofthepeople
thatliveinthat
communitytoseelike,
whatlanguagetheyuse
totalkaboutthesethings.
-Thisisthepartabout
respectingeveryone's
beliefs,like...
InUtah,whiteMormonmen
makelawsandpolicies
andvaluejudgments
thatIhavetolivewith.
-Andsoyoucanrespect
everybody'sopinion,
butcertainpeoplehave
certaininstitutionalpower
toenforcetheiropinions,
certainpeopledon't.
-Sexualeducation
rightnowisbuilt
tomakesurethat
somethingdoesn'thappen
insteadofframing
sexualeducationaround
teachingpeoplethings
withnopreventative...
-Orevenhavingavisionof
whatwewouldlikeadolescents
tobelikesexually.
-Right,right.
-Andifyouasked
youraverageparent,like,
"Whatareyourdreams
foryourchild'ssexuallife?"
They'dbelike,"whaaat?!"
-HavingtwoMormonparents,
myparentsdidn'ttalktome
atallaboutanything.
Andsoit'slike,lateron...
-Didyouever
trytoaskthem?
-Um,well,I...
IknewIcouldn't.
-Mmm...
-Mmm...
-'Cause,like,once
Ibroughtupanything,
thenlike,theyjustshutdown.
There'ssomuchshame
that'soverladen
ineventalkingaboutit.
-Ifrespecting
thereligiousbelief
impliesallowingchildren
togrowupthinking
thatthereare
thingstrueaboutbodies
thatactuallyarenottrue,
youknow,what'stheobligation
togoinandcorrectthat?
-Littlegirlsarenottaught
abouttheirclitoris.
Imean,boysandgirlsbothnot
taughtabout
theclitorisinsexed.
Boysaretaughtas
sexualandreproductive.
Boyshavewetdreams.
Boyshaveerections.
Boyshavedesire,
andthat'snaturalized.
Wedon'ttalkaboutgirls
havingsexualdreams.
Wedon'ttalkaboutthefact
thatclitsgeterect
justlikepenisesdo.
Sofromaveryyoungage,
littlegirlsstarttohave
asplitpsychicallyfrom--
fromtheirideasofwhat's
acceptedabouttheirbody
andthelivedreality
oftheirbody.
Ifyoulookatafour-year-old,
alotoftimestheywillbe,
youknow,grindingaround
ontheirbed,
doingwhatevertheyknow.
Thenbythetime
they'resixoreight,um...
letalone13,Imean,
theyhaveforgottenand,and...
Orthey'rejustsoashamed,
theydon'tfeel
liketheyevenhave
arighttofeelgood.
There'sthesetimesinmylife,
Iwouldusephotographstobe
abletogetbacktowhoIwas.
IfeltlikeIhadtogoback
tothismomentofhappy.
IamPakistani.
Igrewupin
thesuburbsofChicago,
butmyparentsworked
inSaudiArabia.
SoIactuallywenttoan
all-girlsmiddleschoolthere.
Thiswasrightbefore
ImovedtoSaudiArabia.
SoIwaslike
tenandahalfyearsold.
Itwastheperson
thatIwas,andthen
whenImovedtoSaudiArabia,
alotofthat
gottakenawayfromme.
That'smerightthere,
it'skindofsad.
InSaudiArabia,
Ihaddevelopedinsomnia,
Icouldn'tsleep.
Iwasjustveryuncomfortable
inmylifeandmyself.
AndIalsohad
ahugeweightgain.
AndIrememberthistrip
ofgoingtothebeach
andjustfeelinglike
Iwasnolongermyself.
Sothiswaslike,thispicture
Iwouldalwayslookat
andbelike,neveragain.
Fromayoungage,
Iwasreallyintodancing.
IthoughtthatIcouldbe
asgoodasaBollywooddancer.
AndIdidanArabicdance
atawedding.
Afterthat,Ididgetalot
ofnegativeattention.
Like,theseboys
triedtotouchmyboobs.
Andtherewereacoupleuncles
whotoldme,
askmetositontheirlap,
andjustshitlikethat.
Soyou'rejustlike,
ohmygod,Ididthistomyself.
WhydidIdothis?
WhydidIdance?
Itwassuchaguiltyact.
Itwasso--
itwassuchabadthing.
ButIdidn'tevenknowwhy.
SoIgrewupwith
thisinternalshame.
That'smygoddaughter.
Ruqs,comehere.
Lastweek,wewereputting
makeuponeachother.
-Wefoundamakeup--alipstick
sampleinamagazine.
Sowewerelike,
ooh,let'sgotrythisout.
Sowewentandwe
satoverthere.
-Well,youwere
beingshyaboutit
becausehermomsaysshe's
notallowedtowearmakeup
'causeshelovesmakeup
toomuch.
Soitwaslike,
thisChristianDiorredlipstick
andonceIputitonher
andshelookedinthemirror,
andlike,itwaslike
afull-ontransformation.
-Ikeptitontill
thenextmorning.
-Didyoureally?
Ididtoo,Ididtoo.
Ireallywannabethere
in,like,thefuntimes
sothatwhenshedoeshave
tohavedifficultconversations,
sheknowsthat,youknow,
AuntieUmniaisthereforher.
BecauseIdidn't--Ididn'thave
thatwhenIwasgrowingup.
WhenIwasgrowingup,
itwaslike,
youdon'tgotoprom,
youdon'tgotohomecoming.
Youmentionaboy
andyou'regrounded.
Youknow,"Getinthekitchen
andmakekabobs."
ThenIwent
toLoyolaUniversity.
Istartedhangingoutwith
thesenewpeopleatmydorms.
Therewerelike,strippers
comingthroughforlike,
someone's21stbirthdaypart--
Imean,itwasjust--
Itwasn't--itwasjust
awilddormenvironment.
ItwasAmer--
itwasveryAmerican.
Andnobody'savirgin
atthispoint.
Youknow,anyone
I'mtalkingtoislike,
oh,I'mnotavirgin,
whatever,
that'sforthebirds,youknow?
Itoldmyauntthat
Ihadkissedaguy.
Shewasjustlike,
"Wedon't...
We'renotgonna--
let'sjustnottalkaboutit."
Ijustdidn'tknowhowdoyou
getaboyfriend?
Doyouhavesex,
doyounothavesex?
Twoweekslater,Ihadsex.
Itwasjustlike,boom,
hereyougo.
Ibasicallylike
gavemyvirginityaway.
Itwaslike,some--
here,youtakethis.
Afterthefact,itwaslike,
thatwasjustreally
sonotwhatIpersonally
wouldhavewanted.
AndanyAmericanpeers,
theywerelike,
it'sallgood,just--
justlive,youknow?
AndIwaslike,
Idon'tknowhow.
Ineverknewhowtooperate
likeanAmericangirl.
Bye,sweets.
Mysexuallifehasalways
beenthisverylike,
closeted,confusedspace.
AndsoevenwhenIwould
beinpositionsorjobswhere
Ifeltempowered,therewas
areallybigpartofme
thatwasdisempowered
andfeltveryoutoftouch.
Thatmarkofwhateverhappened
duringthoseformativeyears
neverquiteleftme.
-I'manexhibitionist.
Like,Iknowthat
aboutmyselfnow,but...
Atthetime,I'm13,
andI'mtryingtowear
mylowcuttanktopstoschool
andlike,whatever.
Mymom'sgetting
upsetwithme.
I'mwearingajacketandthen
takingitoffatschool
soIcanshowoffmylittle
burgeoningtittiesorwhatever.
-I'veseenothershirts
thatshehasthat
areprobably
justasbad,so...
Jasminewasastinker.
Hersenioryear
someofthethingsthat
wouldcomeoutofhermouth,
Ijusthadtolookather
cross--crossways
andjustbelike,
whatiswrongwithyou?
-Ohmygosh,
Iwasterrible.
Ijustreallyfeltlike
shedidn'tgetme.
Iwouldn'tgoback
tomyteenageyears.
Ifeellikemyteenageyears
wereprettytough.
IwasraisedveryChristian.
Iwasraisedtobe
verymodest.
Icouldnotwear
revealingclothes.
Definitelysexualitywas
very,veryrepressed.
Ilike,had
apurityringceremony
whichislike,like,
youwritelikeanagreement
whenyou'relike13
andyou'relike,
"I'mgonnasaveit
formarriage."
Ijustwannathankmymom
becauseshe'stheonewho
putmeinthisprogram.
WhenIwasyounger,
partsofmyidentitywere
harderformetounderstand
aboutmyself
untilIlike,realized
thatalotofthethings
Iwasraisedinjustdon't
fitmeasaperson.
GrowingupinKansas,
Iwasgettingitfromallsides.
Igrewupbeingtoldthat
youdonotwantanyone
tothinkyou'reaslut.
ThesecondIwenttocollege,
Ididwhatmanykids
likemedid,
Iwentofflikearocket.
Idefinitelystartedlike,
expressingmyselfmore,
especiallywithclothes.
Suddenlybeingsurrounded
bykidswhoseupbringings
didnotmatchyours
inanyshape,way,orform,
andrealizingthat
youdon'thavetodo
whatyourparents
tellyouanymore.
Thenitwaslike,pushback
becausetherearepictures
ofmeonFacebookwhere
I'mscantilyclad.
Andlike...
I'moutwithmyfriends,
andlike,myvagina
isn'tout,like,Idon'tknow.
Itwouldbelike,
thetalkofthefamily.
-They'lltalkaboutyou
atthedropofahat
Lieaboutit
toyourface
Whenthey'recaught
-Igotintoitlikethis.
-Andyouwanttodothething
whereyoutakeyourleg
offfromthere?
-Yes.
-Okay,youshouldbe...
Ihavebeenstripping
foralittleovertwoyears.
-...directlyunderneath
yourhips.
Iliveinabubble,
andmybubblebeingsexual
isnotabadthing.
Boobsareboobs.
-Yougotit,yougotit.
That'sahardone.
That'sahardone.
Soyou'rehere,
toflexion,
soIcantake
thatlegoffthepole.
-Yeah.
Idefinitelyhadto
contendwiththefact
thatmyparents
wouldnotlikethis.
Parents,grandparents,
anyone,they'renot
gonnalikethis.
-Pike,stra--
Therewego,nice.
MymomandIbuttheads
aboutitalot.
Alot.Alot.
SoIwoulddefinitelysay
itwasmygoalinlife
tomakesurethatJasmine
didnotgetpregnantrightout
ofhighschoollikeme,
'causeIknewhowharditwas.
-AndIdidn'thavesexuntil
Iwaslike20yearsold.
-Iwasabletoprolongit
actuallyhappening
foragoodmonth,
Iwasreallyexcited.
-No,youdidnotprolong
anythingforagoodmonth.
-Ididtoo,Ididtoo.
-No,youdidn't.
-Idelayeditamonth.
Iwasveryproudofmyself.
-Fine,whatever.
-Haveyouresponded
tothemthen?
-Theydidemailmeback,
Ineedtoemailthem.
I'mintheprocess
ofgettingreinstated
aftermyleaveofabsence
fromNorthwestern.
There'spressurefromparents,
theywantmeto
gobacktoschool.
-Becausesheistoosmart
tonotfinish.
-Imean...
-Ican'twaitforittohappen
soshecanmoveon
tofigureoutwhat
shereallywantstodo.
-Ohmygoodness.
-Wegottopray.
-Mymom'sveryworriedabout
thespiritualwhatever
ofherchild.
Ispentsomuchtime
havingtounlearnwhat
Iwastaughtasachild.
ButI'vealwaysbeen
thispersondeepdown.
Like,naturally.
Let'sempowergirlsto
embracetheirsexuality.
Itmaylooklike,
toosexytous,
butthat'sasortof
restrictivething.
It'slike,oh,weallowtheboys
tobesexyandnotthegirls.
-Therejustneedstobe
abaselineacceptanceofthe--
ofthescientificfactthatboth
malesandfemalesaresexual
andthatisanaturalpart
ofourexistence.
-Hi!
Shewantstodosomeshopping.
Yeah.
-Neverdonethisbefore.
-Lookingfor...
-Lookingforavibrator.
-Vibrator,okay,cool.
Wouldyouwantsomething
internal,external,orboth?
-Whatisthedifference?
-Well,externalismore
justclitoralstimulation,
andtheinternalfor
like,mostlyG-spot,
oryoucangetlike,
arabbit-stylewhichisboth.
-Ihavearabbit.
-I'lltryarabbit.
-Rabbit,okay.
What'sreallyniceisithas
like,areallysoftsilicone
andyoucanbendit
howeveryouwant.
-Cool.
-Growingup,Idon't
reallyfeellike
Ievertalkedto
myfemalefriendsaboutsex.
Definitelynotinhighschool
andnotreallyevenincollege.
Youknow,masturbating
isn'tsomething...
thatwesaywedo.
Ifeellikeit's
anunspokenthing.
We'repaintedaswe
wantrelationships,
andwe'refocusedonfeelings,
andthatittotallydetracts
fromourneedsaswomen.
-Thisoneisreallyawesome
becauseithas
avoicecontroloption.
-Whoa!
-Soyoucantalkclosetoit
andit'llvibrate.
-Hey--whoa!
-Thispartis
actuallyasuction.
-Whoa.
-Soit'ssucksontheclitoris
insteadofvibratingonit.
That'sprettydope.
-Thisonespinslikethis.
-Oh!
-Andthenithaslike,
aturbomode.
-OhGod,oh,ohmylord.
Soherwomanshowedus
abunchoflike...
-Yeah.
-Lotofmovement.
-Yeah.
-Whatdoesthatmean?
-Likethere's...
-Yeah,liketheactual...
shaftlike,moves.
-Sure.
-Wait,canI--youguys!
Oneofthemwascalled
"thealientongue."
-Yeah.
Thatonewasweird.
-Okay,thisissonot...
-OhmyGod...
I--Ihaveavibrator.
Iboughtavibrator,
andIgotitandItriedit,
anditwaslikefine,but...
It'sliterally
sittinginabox.
Ithasdustonit,
like,it'sundermybed.
Itjustlike,doesn't...
Idon'tknowwhatto--like--
Iknowwhat
todowithit,but...
It'sjust
notworkingforme.
AndI'm24andfeelreally
self-consciousaboutsomething.
Idon'tthinkIhaveever...
uh,climaxed.
Everyoneelsehas.
That'swhatIimagine,
everyoneelsehas.
It'sreallyeasy
foreveryoneelse.
That's--that'smymyth.
-YouknowthatPaulSimonline,
"Everyonelovesthesoundof
atraininthedistance,
everybodythinksit'strue."
-Mm-hmm.
-It'skindofsoothing.
It'slikebeing
inthewomb.
I'mveryclosetomymom.
ButIdon'ttalktoher
explicitlyaboutsex.
Therelationshipbetween
meandmymomisn't,youknow,
discouragingme
fromsexuality,but...
Iprobablyhaveneversaid
thewordclitoristoher.
Andwewereinthisapartment,
meandmybrother.
Thefirstthingshedoes
isshedivesunderthisbed
andshegoes...
"What'sthis?"
AndIamhorrified
'causemybrother's
sittingrightthere.
She'sholdingit.
It'scylindrical.
I'mlike,gobacktobeing14.
I'mlike,
"Nothing,Mom,
justputitback!"
Like,so,soangsty.
It'ssoembarrassing.
It'slike,it'sthis.
Andit'slike,Mom,
whatdoyouthinkitis?
Also,whyareyoudiving
underthebed?
-Womenarenotgiven
thesameencouragement
asmenaretoexplore
theirbodies,
totakeprideintheirbodies.
Youknow,menare
talkingabouttheirgenitals
allthetimewithpride.
That's,like,wouldnever
evenoccurtoawoman.
There'sjustanassociation
ofourbodieswithshame.
Ithinkitdoesalotofdamage.
Ittakes,Ithink,
alongtimetoundo.
Womenhavebeentaughtthat
theydon'tevenown
theirownbody,right?
Sothey'renotallowedevento
touchit,andthentheydon't
owntheknowledgeofit,so,
like,theirloverissupposed
totellthemhow
theirbodyworks.
Buthowwouldheknow?
-WelcometomyAirstream.
Idesignsextoysforwomen.
Mywholeagendaistotry
toelevatetheidea
ofwhatsextoys
couldlooklike.
Asadesigner,
whenIlookataproduct,
bylookingatthematerials
andtheformlanguage,
youcanreadalot
abouttheethos,
aboutthedesigner'sintent.
OneofthereasonswhyIwent
formoreofametalfeel,
becausetome,ithas
ahighertactilequality.
Youfeelthisversusaplastic,
itjustfeels
somuchmorevaluable.
Thisissomethingthat'slike
youtreatyourself.
Youshould,youdeservethis.
Andshameandembarrassment,
hi--hidingthings
justshouldn'tbepartof
thatentireexperienceatall.
Okay,sowe'relookingatthe
stickersthatwe'reprinting.
Thesearethethree
thatwealreadyhave,okay?
-I'venotbeenfrontlineon
theselastfewevents.
What'syouandCarina...
what'syourtake
oftheonesyou...
-Frontline,thisone
goesreallywell.
"Namast'ayinbed"
'causeofthewhole
yogathingandstuff,
peoplearelike,
intothatshit,youknow?
-Right.
-Andthenthisone
islike,Ithinkthisone
isprettygood,it's,like...
"Don'tletanyone
treatyoulikefreesalsa.
You'reguac,babygirl.
GUAC!"
Youknow,girlpower...
-I'mjustnotcoolenough
togetthatone,
soIdefertoyou.
-Allright,whatever.
You'resalsa,whatever.
Peopleshouldbeable
toembracepleasure,
toowntheirpleasure,
andwhateverhelpsthem
orsupportsthem
ortheywantonthatjourney
togetthere,theyshould
beabletohaveitandpeople
shouldn'tgetintheway.
-"Homeiswhere
thepantsaren't."
Attheinception
ofthebrand,
itseemedabitodd
tohaveabrand
that'saboutwomen
bedominatedbymen.
Andsofromdayone,Ialways
hadthisvisionofaco-founder
thatwasafemale
industrialdesigner.
-Ihadassumedthat
theworldthatwelivedin
weredesignedandcreated
bymenandwomen,
becausetheobjectsweuseare,
youknow,usedbybothsexes.
ButonceIstartedworking,
Iwasjustveryshocked.
Ihavementors
thatItalkedto.
Theyweretheonlywoman
inawholeentirefactory.
Ifoundmyexperience
exactlythesame.
AfterIgraduatedfromtheRoyal
CollegeofArtinLondon,
IrememberIwas
lookingforasextoy.
Ithinkthiswasmyfirst
timereally,likekindof
lookingatproductsand...
Itwasjustallsortsofcrazy,
like,bachelorettepartystuff.
Ijustfeltlike,
wow,thisisreallywrong.
Like,thisisfor
women'spleasure,
andyettheseobjects
alllooklikejokes.
Andahugepointofthatis
thiswholeindustryiscalled
the"noveltyindustry."
Like,awoman'spleasure
isnotanovelty.
-Thisisthebiggestmotor
we'veeverused.
Soit'ssuperrumbly.
Thatisrumbly.
Holyshit.
-Yeah,it'sveryrumbly,
Iknow.
-Alsolike,thewaythatit
vibrates,Ifeellike
it'llstimulatetheinternal
clitorisbecauseitactually
like,penetratestheskin.
-Yeah.
Youknow,inlookingbackat
thehistoryoftheseproducts,
mostoftheseproductswere
designedandcreatedbymen.
Inthelate1800s,
youknow,"hysteria"
wasthisdisease
thatwaslikethepandemic.
Youknow,wherebasically
anywomanwhowas
alittleemotionallyagitated
desirousoforgasm,
theywereallhysterical.
Andthewaythatthiswas
treatedwasthatthedoctor
wouldmanuallymassagethem
untiltheyclimaxed.
Andohboy,itreally
hurthiswrists.
Imean,canyouimagine?
Sohecameupwiththeidea
ofavibrator.
Soitstartedfrom
ourculturalperception
thatfemalepleasure
wasadisease.
Andsotheveryfirstvibrator
wereactuallymedicaldevices.
Andtheninthe1960s
withthepornindustry,
thisiswheretheproducts
asweknowitcamefrom.
Designedbymen,
forthemalegaze,
wheretheythink
it'sallabouttheirpenis.
Andyouknow,ifyou
lookatthem,they'rekind
ofaggressivelooking.
SoIthinkatsomepoint,
youknow,theirmarketingteam
wasjustlike,youknowwhat,
maybeweshouldmakeit
alittlemorecute.
Andthensothey
addedsomecutesy,
likebunnyrabbitsordolphins
orbutterfliesorwhatever,
andthen,youknow,
calleditaday.
It'snotlikeIwaseven
tryingtonotbeapenis,
butthat'snotwhatit'sabout.
It'saboutvibration,
stimulationthat'sfocused
ontheexternalregion.
Andforthat,youdon't
needamassiveproduct.
Whenthingsareonlydesigned
bymen,there'ssomuchabout
thefemaleperspectivethat's
justnotevenbroughtin.
You'regonnalose
somuchinsight
andmissoutonhowmuchbetter
thisproductcouldbe.
-Allright.
Sohere'ssampleone,
andhere'ssampletwo.
Ithinkthatscience
hasbeensomaledriven
forsolongthattherewasn't
apushtofigureout
whatthefemalesexualanatomy
lookslike,right?
Here'sacollection
oftextbooks.
Someofthemaremorerecent.
Ofthefivetextbookshere,
threedonotandtwodo
havetheinternalportions.
Andhowmanypages
doesthemaleanatomyget?
-Multiple,looksohere
wegot,one,two...
Pagefivenow,
differentviewsof--
crosssectionsofthepenis
initself,pagesix...
Ifyoulookatthepenis,
they'llgototown
withallthenerves.
Theinnervated,thevarious
arteriesandveins,
like,they'llgo
totownwithit.
Tothefemalesexualsection,
justtheexternalportion
isshown.
Theclitorisis
reallyanafterthought.
NowI'mstudying
theclitorisinmice.
Weextracttheclitorisand
welookatspecificproteins
todeterminewhetherornot
they'reexpressed.
Now,whyisthisimportant?
Ifyou'reondrugsthat
treatanydisorder,
ifwedon'thave
agoodunderstandingof
thedifferenttypesof
ionchannelsthatarein
theclitoris,youcanget
poorinteractionwiththem,
andmaybethatcouldlead
tosexualdysfunction.
Butscientists
wouldn'tknowthat
becauseithasn't
beendefined,
ithasn'tbeencharacterized
fromabiologicalperspective.
Theclitorishasonefunction,
sexualsatisfaction.
Thisistheclitoris,
itwrapsaround
thevaginalcanal.
Thisisthepart
thatgetsengorgedwith
bloodduringarousal.
Thisistheequivalent
structuretoapenis.
Whyareyounot
targetingthat?
Whyareyoumakingwomen
thinkthatthereason
whyyoucannothave
sexualsatisfaction
isbecauseyou're
justnotintoit,
orbecauseyouhavesomesort
ofotherpsychologicalissue?
Thatreallyisthequestion
thatkindofdrive
myworkrightnow.
Thechallengenowofbeinga
motherandbeingaprofessional.
Ihaveavisionofhersleeping
andmebeabletotype.
Thisneverhappened.
Ialsorecently
startedthinkingabout
thedifferentphases
ofawoman'slife.
Whenyougivebirth,
whathappenstotheclitoris?
Howdoesthataffect
femalesexualpleasureafter--
afterexperiencingthatevent?
Whathappens?
Thesearebasicquestionsthat
noonehasthoughtabout
theanswerornoone
hasthecouragetoanswer.
ThewebsitePubMedservesas
arepositoryfor
scientificpapers.
Ifyouweretoputin"penis"
inthesearchengine,
youpullup46,240papers
thatdealwiththetopic
ofthepenis.
Now,ifIdothesame
fortheclitoris,
Igetatotalof
2,194papersasoftoday.
There'snotmuchthathasbeen
doneonthisbasicbiology.
AndevenwhenIput
inmysubjectmatter,
onlyfourpaperspopup.
Andwhenyouthink
aboutthat,itreally...
givesyouanunderstanding
ofhowscienceviews
femalesexualsatisfaction.
-ThesearetheClitGlass
thatIusedatmyintervention
attheWhitneyMuseum.
Theprotestwasaboutthefact
thatthecuration
wasmoreconservative
and,youknow,morewhitemale
thanithadbeensince
theearly'90s.
Andthis
particularexhibition,
thereweresomanyphalluses,
itwaslike,
actuallyoverwhelming.
Therewasawholeroomthat
wasjustthreedimensional,
justdicks.
Sobasically,
howtheyworkis,um,
you--similarly
toGoogleGlass.
Soyoulookthrough
theperspectiveoftheclit
anditrefractsallthe
phallocentricityintheworld
that'scomingatyousoyoujust
obtainneutralvision.
Andthenalso,Imade
theseactualclitforms.
AndIjustaskedpeople
tolike,putaclitonit
andlike,clit-dazzle
theWhitney.
Sopeoplewerebasicallyjust
likeputtingiteverywhere
thatitneededtobe
asasubjectinart.
-Yo.
-We'rehere.
-Yay.
-Yay!
Howwaseveryone'sday?
-TryingtofigureoutRGAS.
-Yeah,how'sthatgoing?
-It'snotgoing.
-I'msorry.
Tomisgoingtotalk
toFionnatomorrow
aboutmeworkingforFionna.
-Oh,wow,bigday.
-Fionna'sdope.
-Yeah.
Ireallywanttoworkfor
awoman,soit'sveryexciting.
Formostofmyundergrad,
Ididn'tthinkthat
IcandoaPhD,
thatIwasgoodenoughatmath.
-Areyoufinished?
-Allright,don'tjudgeme.
-No,that'sthefirsttime
you'veeverbeatenus.
Wealwaysusuallybeatyou.
-What--areyou
keepingtrack?
-Youknow,
thereissomemisog--
misog-en-ee--isthat--
-Misogyny.
-Misogyny.
Okay,letme...
Thereissomemisogynyin
like,theeconfield.
Ithinkthereare
definitelypeoplethat
don'tfindworking
withwomencomfortable,Iguess?
Idon'tknowifthey
necessarilyshowit,Imean...
Imean,maybethere
aresomehintsofitin
ouroffice,whoknows?
ClassicU-Chicago,youknow?
-No,buttheecon
departmentsingeneral...
-Yeah.
Oh,Iguesswecan--
-Wehavea--yeah?
-There'slike,thisforum.
It'slikeRedditforecon.
-Yeah,it'sRedditforecon.
-Yeah,Redditforecon.
AndImeanlike,
therearesome
reallyharshthings
saidaboutwomen.
Ananalogouswebsitelikethat
existsforallsocialsciences
andsciences,butwe'retheonly
onethathasonethattoxic.
LikeIwentto
atalkonWednesday
whereeverysingleperson
whointerruptedthespeaker
wasamaleandtherewas
onefemaleintheaudience
whowasaskingquestions,
andshewasraisingherhand
andwaitingforthespeaker
topointather.
-Yeah.
Weoverhearsomany
conversationsbythesenior
economists.
Sowhenthey'rehiring,
wehearalotof,
"Oh,shedidn'tdothatwell.
But,youknow,she'sawoman,
soshe'llprobablygetthejob."
Itjustkindofpicksatyou.
-Assomeonewho'slike,
sittinginthejob,
like,isthat
whyIgotthejob?
Andthenyoulike,
doubtyourselfandthen...
-You'renotasgood
asthem,yeah.
-Andthenit'sjust
impostersyndrome
alloveragain,
whichalreadylike,
youknow,I'vehadthat
mywholelife.
DoIreallydeserve
tobehere?
Butyeah,outof
the21first-yearsthisyear,
therearetwowomen.
-Yeah.
Thelastcoupleofyears,
I'vereallyjustbeentrying
toworkonlike,
youcandothis,
youarejustassmartasthem,
likedonotdoubtyourself
constantly.
Anditisastruggle
everysingleday.
I'veonlybeendoingstandup
foracoupleofmonths.
Hi.
-Hey.
-Hi,I'mSunny,
nicetomeetyou.
-ThisisVince,
Vinceisoneofthefour.
IsDamianhereyet?
-Hi,nicetomeetyou.
Ididnothavetheconfidence
todostandup.
Ittooklike,
aman'sconfidence.
Thismalefriendofmine
keptsaying,justgodoit,
justgodoit,
you'llbefine.
-So,Sunny,whereelse
haveyoudoneit?
YousaidtheShithole?
-Yeah,uh,I'm...
gonnadosomeshowcase.
Yeah,it'shard.
Iknowwhatyouguysdo
fulltime.
I,like,dosomething
completelydifferent.
I'mlike,uhh,what
doIprioritize?
-Wealldo.
-Weallhavedayjobs.
-Yeah.
-Idoalotofmarketing.
-IworkforCars.com.
-Ithinkit'saholisticthing.
Youaren'ttaughtaboutthis
partonyourbody
becauseyourvoiceisn't
heardinsomanyotherways.
-Pleasegiveherawarm
welcome,she'sgonnadosome
standupforyou,Sunny!
-Youknowhowtheysaid,uh,
Godcreatedmankind
inhisownimage?
Godcreated
fuckboysinhisownimage.
Right?Right?
Like,ladies,does
thissoundfamiliar?
IswearI'llpullout,Mary.
Like,youdefinitely
won'tgetpregnant.
Youknowitjustfeelsbetter.
Everythingkindofhappens
inparallel
intermsofagencyasafemale.
I'mthinkingacademics,
sociallifeandsex.
Goingintocollege,Ididn't
quiterealizethatI'dget
mansplainedtothatIshould
askmoreforwhatIwant.
No,mytype--mytypeisthis
exactlyfuckboys.
It'sgotlikeabigoverlap.
But,um,Ilikemenwho,uh...
areaspiringtobesociopaths,
allright?
BythetimeIcametoChicago,
Ibegantobeable
tonegotiatebetterinjobs.
Youknow,notletmymale
friendsdictateconversation.
Withthatcamemoreagency
inmysexlifetoo
thatit'sokaytospeakup.
Haveagoodnight,
I'mSunny.
-Okay,next?
Asyoudothenextfew
five-seconddrawings,
thinkaboutscale.
Howmuchspaceonthepage
areyoutakingup.
IfeellikeI'mabletoask
forwhatIwant,
professionally
andcreativelyrightnow.
Okay.
Sowe'regonna
getreallycompact.
Howdoyoufillthewholepage
withthatkindofgesture?
He'snottaking
upsomuchspaceanymore.
He'snotatallthing,
buthowyoufillthewhole
pagewiththatpose?
Gobig.
ButIalsofeelveryfrustrated
andstuck.
Istillgoback
withmysexualpartners.
Idon'twanttowanthim
morethanhewantsme.
Idon'twannafeeltoo
vulnerable.
Iexperiencedamajorheartache.
AndsomethingthatI--
thathelpedmethatwas
catharticwaswriting.
Ifinallyhaveanorder
thatIlike
forthispoetrybooklet.
Itjustwasspillingout.
Andthenitmadeitfeelless
lonelytoshareitwithfamily
andfriendsandstartedtohear
storiesfromotherwomenwho
wereinlovewhowere,like,
yes,Iknowthatfeeling.
Thatwastheoriginalintent,
like,Ijustwantmyangrywords
toreachhimwithoutme
actuallyreachingouttohim.
Sothatthatguywouldhaveto
encounterthem
andfeelreallyawful.
Butthatdidn'tendupbeing
reallythemotive.
Becauseoneday
Iwitnessedthiscouple
getinabigfightonthebus.
Therewasalotofjudgment.
Predominantlywhite
folksonthebus
thinkingthattheywerethrowing
asceneandbeingtooloud.
Thepressuresthatshewas
experiencing.
Sheneedstobesilent
asafemaletoherboyfriend,
andsheneedstobehave
quietlyinthispublicspace
asablackwoman.
Sheissotenseandquiet,
andshe'slookingstraight
aheadand,like,containing
something,andheispoking
andproddingher
andsayingthings
thatareprobablysohurtful.
Assumingthatbecause
they'reinapublicspace,
shewon'tembarrasshimor
herselfbyreactingaccordingly.
Butthenshedid.
Sheexploded.
Andshewascrying,
andshewassoangry.
Andnoonewaslooking,
butIwaslooking
'causeI'm,like,IwishIcould
lashoutlikethat.
Let'sstartgettingthem
looselywrapped.
Justtakeit--
Watchwhatyou'redoing,look.
-Yeah,Isee.
-You'regonnadofine.
IwassoshookenupandIjust
feltlike,man,Iwish
Icouldletherknow
she'snotalone.
SothenIhad
anideaof,like...
Ishouldtrytodistributeit
onthatverysamebusroute
thatsheseemed
tobecommutinghomefrom.
Like,howcouldIreachher?
Andthenprobably
maybeotherwomen.
Thisissomefreepoetry,
it'sfree.
-Okay,thankyou.
-Enjoy.
Freepoetry.
Youcantakethat,yes.
It'ssonerve-wracking,
Idon'tknowwhy.
Pleaselikejust--putacapon
thecoffee,Mom.
-Okay.
-Putacaponthecoffee.
Freepoetry.
-Poetry?
-Yeah.Enjoy.
MyneckislongfromitIextend
myarmtoreachforsoothing.
Myneckhideswhen
Ishrugwithself-doubt.
Myneckholdsthetension
oflayingonmystomach
andtouchingmyself
notknowingifIcame.
Myneckholdsspaceforhis
storiesandswallowsdownmine
becauseI'mnotsure
I'masinteresting.
Myneckheld
itsbreathabouthim,
notknowingifhecan
betrustedtoletmesing.
Wastheresomething
thistaughtyou?
-Yeah.
-It'sokay.
-Yeah.
Uh,thatmyvoicematters.
Wouldyoulikesomefreepoetry?
It'sjustfreepoetry.
Ma'am,wouldyoulikesome
freepoetry?
-Ididnotthink
Iwasanartist.
Ithoughtthatifyouwere
anartist,youknow,
bythetimeyouwerefour,
youhadshownyourincredible
giftsandyouwerejust
onthistrackofgenius.
Comeon.
Bringyourstick.
ButwhenIstartedout
asaphotographer,
Iwas,like,letmedocument
myowncommunity.
SoIwasdoingallthese
portraitsofmyfriends
andloversand,like,
primarilyqueerwomen,
queerwomenofcolor,transmen,
genderqueerpeople.
Andthiswasmyworld,
andthiswaswhatIwas
tryingtoshow
thatwassoun-seen.
-Ooh
Can'tanybodysee...
-Mypracticeingeneral
reallyhasbeenfocusedonpower
andhowpower
isrepresentedvisually.
Whogetstobethebeautiful?
Whoisthegrotesque?
Whoexistsinthehistorical
recordofvisualculture?
Whoisnotimportant
enoughtoappear?
-Igotnobodyonmyside...
Andsurelythatain'tright
-So,itwasinevitable
Ithinkatacertainpoint
Iwouldthinkaboutsexandhow
sexisrepresentedvisually.
Theseareperfectforlittle
earringstuds,right?
Andthenalsoforthecufflinks
andforatiepin,right?
Igetsuchpleasure
outofputtingtheclit
onsortofmasculineobjects.
Everythingthat'sbeyondjust
likeourbasereproduceanddie,
thatiswhattheclitisabout.
Tome,theclitisasymbol
that'squeer.
Andit'salsoasymbol
that'sopentoanybody.
Itexpressesourhumancapacity
forjoy,forcreativity,
forphilosophy,forconnection.
Andyes,joyfulsexuality.
-Comeon.
Okay,comeon.
Comeon,Buddy,let'sgo.
Comeon.
Comeon,let'sgo.
One-two-three,go!
Let'sgo,Buddy.
Thisiswhyyou'llneverbe
intheWestminsterDogShow.
-Thefirstfiveyears,Ifeel
likewe'vebeenreallyfocused
onmakingsurewehavereally,
reallygoodproducts.
Nowwewannatell
peopleaboutit.
Butitturnsout
thattellingpeople,
marketingandadvertising
isthehardestpart.
-Lasttime,wewere
talkingaboutputting--
doingpromotionsonFacebook.
Sothisisthepolicy.
"Adsmustnotpromotethesale
oruseofadultproducts
"orservicesexceptforads
forfamilyplanning
andcontraception."
-Whatthefuck.
-Yeah,thatrulesusout
promotinganything
ofwhatwedo.
-Oh,Ihaveanidea.
-WannagotoMark'shouse?
-Exactly.
That'sexactlywhatIwannado.
Withprotestsigns.
-Oh!
-He'sgotaplacein
theMission.
-WeshouldtaketheAirstream.
Yeah,weshouldtake
theAirstream.
-Weshouldpark
theAirstreaminfront.
-Pleasureforall.
-Pleasureforall.
-Yeah.
-Weshouldtotallydothat.
-Wehavebailmoney,right?
-ButthisistrueofInstagram.
Thisistrueof,youknow,
ofYouTube,ofPinterest,
ofalltheseplaces.
-But--Imean,likeIjust
sentyouyesterday,
allthoseadsaboutbasically
Viagrabutforyoungermen.
Himsisthebrand.
ThisisanInstagramad.
-Anditsays"hardmadeeasy."
Withsomeoneholdingapill.
-Theywereabletogetinto
thesubwayads.
-"Modernrocketry."
-Andit'sacactus.
Thisis50thStreet.
Transferisavailable
totheEtrain.
-Soreallywhat
thepolicyis,anything
thatconstitutes
malepleasureisfine.
Butifit'saboutfemale
pleasure,thenno,it'staboo.
It'suncomfortable,
it'sinappropriate.
Andwegettagged
andtakendown.
Somethingthat's
interestingtome.
Youseethese
Victoria'sSecretposters.
-Yeah.
-Youseeallof
theseadsfor,like...
-That'snotforcontraception.
-Well,sowomencanbe
sexualized,right?
Buttheycan'tbesexual.
Like,that'sreally
whatitcomesdownto.
-Thisreallyisn'tabout
oh,woeisus.
-Wecan'tdoads.
-Wecan'tsellvibrators.
-No.
-Like,no,thisisjustwrong.
It'sadoublestandard.
Ifyousortofpeelitback,
there'sthesegatekeepers
ofinformationwhoapparently
thinkit'sokayfor
theRussianstohack
anelectionoratleasttry,
butanysortofthoughtful
conversation
aroundpleasure
andsexisnotallowed.
-Theearthisflatandwomen
onlyhavesextomakebabies.
-Thetruthis,aslongas,um,
mencanaccesswomen
andfuckthemandwomen
canreproduceforthem,
itisn'taconcernwhat
theiractualexperienceis.
-Ithinkin
aweirdwayformen,
your,your,Ithink,earliest
experiencesofarousal
happenwhenyouvisually
encountersomething
that'sarousingandthenit's--
there'sashocktothat.
Andsothatideaofpleasure
isforevertiedtothisidea
ofsight,stimulating
thisotherthing.
Maybebecauseofthatit'sthat
mucheasiertoobjectify
thethingthatyou'reseeing.
Andtherelationshipoflooking
atsomethingis,like,
averyobjectifying
kindofarelationship.
Youknow,you'renot
inacommunicatory
kindofposturethere.
You'rejustin
aconsumingposture.
Thatautomatically
kindofputsyou
inamoreselfish
kindofplace.
Andthen,ofcourse,
everythingintheculture
frompornographicmovies...
...Tothewaythatwomenare
treatedmorebroadlyspeaking,
Ithinkencourageswomen
aretheretobeconsumed.
-Okay,so,wegot
themakeupbag.
Like,literallyeverythingyou
couldpossiblyeverimagine.
Igotalittleshortdresshere.
It'slikeamoneymakerforme.
Thisisalso
alittlemoneymaker.
It'sliterallyjustfishnet.
That'swhyit'samoneymaker.
We'retaughtthatoursexuality
isbadfrombirth.
Tah-dah!
Whilesimultaneouslywatching
oursexuality
usedtosell
everythingunderthesun.
Andbeingconfrontedwithmale
desireforthefemalebody
inallaspectsofourlives.
Sotocommodifyyourself
andyourbody
isanactofresistance
inmypersonalopinion.
G-string,G-string,G-string.
G-string.
Becauseeverysinglefreaking
partofsocietytellsyou
youcan'tdoit.
Strippingwasthefirsttime
Ireallywasexploring
mysexuality
inthisotherway.
Feelslikeeveryeyeisonyou.
Itgivesyoutheshivers,
kindof,and,like,
makesyourbodywarmallover.
Makeeyecontactwithpeople
andlikeseeingthatdesire
intheirfacesbeing,like,
okay,you,you,you,you,you.
And,like,havingitbe
completelyandtotallyokay.
Itjust--youcannotdothat
stuffinpublic.
Ifirstgotintoburlesque
throughoneofmyfriends
whoImetdancing.
-DoIknowhim?
-Uh,yeah.
Okay,doesthislookridiculous
becauseit'snew
butit'snotmyskincolor?
-Iunderstandyourtrepidation,
butit'sfine.
Yeah,okay.
There'sacertainlevel
ofsisterhoodthere.
Somegirlsaresexy.
Somegirlsarecomedyqueens.
Somegirlsare
somewhereinbetween.
Andit'sreallyfuntobe
apartofthatcommunity.
-I'msorry.
-You'regood.
ThisishowIdie.
-I'mfreakingoutalittlebit.
I'mvery,veryexcited
abouttheshow.
Everybodyisactually
really,reallyfreakingawesome.
I'mjust,like,ooh...
-Inmyeyes
Indisposed
Indisguises
Nooneknows
Hidestheface
Liesthesnake
Inthesun,
inmydisgrace...
Atwork,Iencounteralotof
menwhothinkI'masurething.
That'sjustaperception,
thatstrippersarepromiscuous
andthatanyonecangetit.
Forme,I'mnotreallythatdown
forlikeaone-nightstand.
Mystandardsare
astronomicallyhighnow.
-Blackholesun
Blackholesun
Won'tyoucome
Blackholesun
Blackholesun
Won'tyoucome
Blackholesun
Blackholesun
Won'tyoucome
Ohyeah
Iwoulddefinitelysay
we'reinasexualrevolution.
Alotofwomenarefeeling
alotmoreempowered.
It'sokaytobeaho.
Yes,that'saword
thatisstigmatized,
butwe'retakingitback.
Myfirstyear
ofgraduateschool,
Istartedtostudy
gay/lesbianyouth.
Mostofthestuffwasonmen.
So,youknow,thereneedstobe
moredoneonwomen.
-Howareyou?
-I'mgood.
-So,I'mtryingto
addressgenderstudies
inpublicadministration.
AndIjustdrove
allaroundNewYorkstate.
AndIjustlookedforwomen
tointerview
goingtoPrideparades,
coffeeshops.
Thiswasbeforetheinternet.
WhatIfoundwasthatwomenwere
changinghowtheydescribed
theirsexualidentityto
themselves
fromlesbiantobisexual,
frombisexual
backtoheterosexual
dependingonwho
theyhappenedtobeinvolved
with,awomanversusaman.
Increasinglytheywouldsay,
"Youknowwhat?
Thingsarejustnot
quiteasrigidasIused
tothinktheywere."
Doyourthing.
Thattagirl.
You'resoobedient.
You'resuchanobedientgirl.
It'sactuallywhat
we'retryingtonotdo.
Oneoftheearliestquestions
thatIstartedtogetis,
"Well,doesthismean
thatthere'snosuchthing
assexualorientation?
Iseveryonejustamorphous?"
AndIdon'tthinkthat'strue.
WhatIalwaysliketosay
isthat,youknow,
peopledoappeartobeborn
withsexualorientations.
Andthereisgoodevidence
thatthoseorientations
aregeneticallyinfluenced.
ButwhatIthinkmyresearch
showsisthatthoseorientations
don'tprovidethelastword
onwhoyou'recapable
ofbeingattractedto
andsatisfiedby.
Thesinglemostcommonidentity
toadoptin
theentirecourse
ofthestudyisunlabeled.
Andtheyoungestgeneration
aremuchmorecommon
tonotlabeltheirsexuality.
Tosay,"That'stheolder
generation,that'soldstyle,
I'mqueer.
Or,I'mnoneoftheabove."
-Wecanjustlikevapeor
whatever.
-Youwantto?
-Yeah,wemightaswell.
-Everybodysay
kikikikikiki
-Hey!
I'mconvincedthatmen
havenearly
asbigacapacity
forfluidityaswomendo.
Ithinkoneofthereasons
thatwemaynot
seeitasofteninmen,
isthatourcultureismuch
morerigidaboutmalesame
sexsexualitythanwomen.
-WhatdoIdo?
-Idon'tknow.
Dolanisthefirstqueer
manthatI'vedated.
Oh,wait,isittakingpictures?
Oh,Ithoughtitwasgonna
showyouwhatitlookedlike!
ThisisaBoomerang!
Heexpresseshismasculinityin
waysthatarekindandsweet.
Ilikeguysthatarefluid.
Youdon'thavetodeal
withalotofthestuff
thatmencansometimes--hehas
hisstuff,butit'sjustlike
thewayinwhichhewasopen
tomewasdifferent.
-Ahh,yes!
Thebrand-newSolidGoldClit
inshinygoldfoil.
It'sbeenreallyinterestingto
metheentiretime,
howmanymenarelike
buyingSolidGoldClitT-shirts
andwearingthemproudly,
andareallaboutit,youknow.
Andarelike,"Isitokay
ifIsaycliteracy?"
AndI'mlike,
"Hellyeah!"youknow?
AndIthinkthatthere'savery
largecontingentofmen
wholovewomenwhoreallycare
abouttheirpartner'spleasure,
andreallyenjoygiving
andreceiving,andlovepussy.
Createsthispossibility
ofalliances.
Wedon'thavetoacceptthese
oldideas.
Wecancreateculture,
wecanshiftculture.
-Iseethisbookin
UrbanOutfittersinmymind.
-Yeah.
-IseeitinTarget.
ThisisabookthatIwant
mychildrentohave.
-Right.
-Mysonandmydaughter.
-Right.
Cliteracycan'tjustbe
withintheartworld.
Italwayshasneededtoexist
inawaythat'saccessible.
Abookseemslikethebestway.
Imean,it'satool.
-Butwe'vebeenatthis
for18months.
-Yeah.
-It'slike,howoftendoyou
evengetfeedback?
-Iwanttoread
apastletterthatIgot.
-Yes,please!
-It'sfromthis
womanatPenguin.
She'sableedingheartliberal.
Andthisisherresponse.
"Ryan,Ijustcan't.
Sorry."
-Wow!
Soshe'sliketriggered?
Orshe'shavingjust
acompletejustmeltdown?
She'sjust...she'sjust...
She'slostherwords.
-Idon'tknow.
-She'slostall--
-Well...
Publishingisrunbywomen.
-Right.
-Theseeditorsarelike,
"DoIwanttositinfrontof
200peopleinmycompany
andtalkabouttheclit?"
-Right,totally.
-Andtheygetscared.
-Yeah.
-They'rebasicallysaying,
"Ican'tsaythewordclitoris."
-Mm-hmm,mm-hmm.
-Andwe'resaying,
"Weneedthisbookbecause
peoplecan'tsaythisword!"
-Yes,yes,thankyou.
-Andit'smaddening!
-Yeah!
-It'sthisinsanecatch22.
Irememberlikethefirsttime
Ishowed"The100Lawsof
Cliteracy."
Itwasaverynotable
contingencyofwomenwhowould
walkupandbelike,"Oh,no!"
andjustimmediatelyturn.
Andalsolike,youknow,
womenwhohavetoldmelike,
"Ihatethewordclitoris.
Like,it'sjustagrossword."
AndI'mlike,
"What'sgrossaboutit?"
Theycan'tput
theirfingeronit.
I'mlike,"Wellhowdo
youfeelaboutvulva?"
"Oh,ew,Ihatethat!"
"Whataboutvagina?"
"Oh,God!"It'slike,isit
aboutthewordoritis
aboutdoyoujusthavethis
deepself-loathing
aboutanythingassociated
withyourgenitals?Andlike...
Youthinkthatjust
cameoutofnowhere,right?
-That'sright.
Herearethefacts.
Pornography,
dominatedbymaleneeds.
Medicine,dominated
bymaleneeds.
Contraception,
dominatedbymaleneeds.
Ithinkthatforwomento
talkabouttheirsexual
experience,
tonametheirgenitals
istolose
somuchcredibility.
Andwestillliveinaworld
wherethatisextremely
inappropriate.
-Womenreinforcepatriarchy
allthetime.
"Don'tcry,littleboy."
Or,like,"Don'tbeso
aggressive,littlegirl."
Like,thisistokeeppeople
controlledandinboxes.
Atrulyfreewoman,her
sexualityisforherself.
Somepeoplearguethatthe
reasonthatpeoplearesoafraid
offemalesexualityisbecause
it'ssopowerful,
becausewehavetheability
forsomuchpleasure,
forsomuchdesire.
It'sfrighteningbecausewomen
havethecapacity
tochangeallthisshit.
Ikindafeellikeoverhere
isagoodspot.
IthinkaboutAudreLorde
speakingaboutonceyouhave
knowledgeofsomething
youcan'tholdyourself
ofalesserstandard.
Andwhatthatmeans,ifawoman
fullyunderstandsherbody
andheroptionsofpleasure,
theywon'tliveincertainways.
Theywon'tsettlefor
mediocrity.
-Awomanwhohasagreatdeal
ofsexualawarenessandagreat
dealofsexualindependence,
um,maynotwant
tojustsettleforyou,
theguywhoishalf-assing
hiswaythroughyoursexual
encounterwithher.
Ithinktheideaofawoman
beingindependentthatway
isdeeply,deeply
threateningtomostmen.
-Thesadthingis
alotofmen
areobsessedwithsex,
orpayingforsex,
wantmoresex.
Complainaboutthelackofsex
thatthey'regetting.
Soyou'dthink,youknow,
it'sintheirinteresttolike
begoodlovers
andpleasetheirpartners.
But,ifit'sreallyabout
controlthenitdoesn'twork.
Somaybeit'sreallyabout
controlandnotaboutsex.
-Thisissoheavy.
-No,youhavetowearthis!
-Mysister'sgettingmarried.
Man,it'spretty,uh,
prettysudden.
Imean,that'showitfelt.
Imean,beingherenow
thatmakesmefeellikedang,
dude,thiswasquick.
-It'sveryexciting,Iguess
becauseIneverimagined
beingatmyownsister's
wedding,Idon'tknowwhy.
Verycrazy,right.
-'Causeshealwayssaid
thatshedidn't
wanttogetmarried.
-Yeah.
-Haveyoumetanybodythatyou
thinkiscuterecently?
-Unh-unh...no.
-Doyoumissthatfeeling?
-Ido.
Ido,ofcourse.
Butlike,Iwasalwaysscaredof
likepursuingrelationships
orbeingmore,youknow,
onthegirlysidebecause
Ineverdidwant
togetintrouble.
-IfeellikeDadhadalotto
dowiththat.
-Yeah,butitwasalsoculture.
Like,itwasscarytodate.
-Imean,there'ssomegirls
whowerereallyambitious.
Iknowfriendswho
woulddoanythingtogo
makeoutwithaguy.
ButIwaslike,nope.
-Nope.
-Thewrathofmyfather.
-ThewrathofHanistoo,
istooserious.
Ourdaddefinitelyput
thelockdownonustoo.
Hewasveryparanoid.
-Hewasveryparanoid.
-There'ssomethingabout
awomanbeingafullwoman
thatIthink
that'salmostintimidating.
Ifwehaveexperiencethenwe've
seentoomuch,or,youknow.
-Orhe'slostcontrol.
Youhavetoberespectful,you
havetoupholdthesevalues.
Andifyouarevocalandopen
aboutyoursexuality,
thenyou'renotmeetingthat
expectation,you'reactually
tarnishingit,
Iguessinmydad'seyes.
-Hewantsustojustbelike
hisnicedaughters
whogetmarriedtoaniceguy
andthenit's...
-Andthenit'stheguy's
responsibilitytohandlelike,
youknow,ourvocalnessor
whateveritis.
Iwas26,youknow,turning27.
Forthefirsttimeinmylife,
Iactuallystartedto
feelsexual.
Iwasreallyyearningfor
areal--likearelationship.
Therewasanacquaintance
ofmybrother's.
HewasfundamentalistMuslim
andlookingtogetmarried.
AndIdon'tknow,
Ijustthought
that'swhatGod
maybehaddestinedforme.
Youknow,myfamilywasproud
ofmethatIwasgettingmarried
andtherewassomesense
oflikeaccomplishmentinthat.
BeforeIgotmarried,
wehadnotevenkissed
becausehewasjustonthisvery
hugefundamentalistlike,
"Wewillnotkiss."
AndlaterIunderstand
itwasacontrol--
itwasactuallyamanipulative
controlmechanism.
Itwaslike,howdoyoutake--
Like,hetooksomuch
ofthecontroloutofit.
IfIhadkissedhim
beforewegotmarried,
Iwouldhavebeenlike,
"Thisisterrible."
Iwasverypassiveaboutit.
AndIthoughtthis
willbethesaferpath.
SothenIgotmarried,
andthenitwasjust,yeah,
itwas,like,totaldisaster.
Itwasjustsobad.
Sotheguythat
Imarriedwasavirgin.
SoIlied,andIsaid
Iwasavirgintoo.
Imean,Irememberinthat
momentthinking,ifItellhim
I'mnotavirginwhatifhegoes
aroundandtellseverybody...
"Hey,Omar,
yoursister'snotavirgin."
AndthenIremember
theweddingnighthewas,like,
justlike,hewasjust
completely
inexperienced
andlikehadnoidea.
AndIhadtopretend
likeIhadnoidea.
Andthen,heevenwouldsay
thingslike,
"Well,we'llhavetocheck
thesheetstoseeifyoubleed."
AndIwaslike...
Iwas,like,whyamI--
Imean,itwas
likeIwasacting.
Ireallydon'tfeellikemyself.
It'sweird.
AndIdon'thavemycontact
lensesonagain
becauseIfailed
togetthemintime.
SoI'mkindofblind.
Idon'tknow,Iwas
expectingittobelike...
Um...
Idon'tknow,justdifferent.
Oursexlifewashorrendous.
Asifmyjobwastojustmake
surethatIwas
avesselforhim,
andthatwasit.
Andhewouldalwaysjustifyit.
Youknow,"Menandwomen
aresodifferentbecause
"aman'sgenitalia
isontheoutside,right?
"So,we'realways
gettingturnedon.
"We'realwayshavingtolike
"accountfor
thisfeelingthatweget.
Andlike,anythinghappens
andI'mjustgettingturnedon."
Andhewaslike,"But,you
know,foryou,you'resolucky.
"Asawomanyoujustdon't
havetofeelanything,
'causeit'sallinside."
Youknow,andIhadalotof
friendswhoaremoreexperienced
andtheywerelike,"Welldoes
hegodownonyou?
Doeshedothis?
Doeshetouchyou?"
AndIwaslike,"Imean..."
Iwaslike,"Hey,like
you'resupposedtotouchme.
"You'resupposedto--
Like,whatabout,like,
okay,youknow,
likedoingdown?"
Andhewasjustlike,
"No,no,no,that'snot--"
Hewaslike,
"That'snotnecessary."
Lookathim!
Lookathim,please!
Hefinallydidsomethingwrong.
SoIcanfinally
justifyleaving.
Whichwasthat
hecheatedonme.
Postdivorce,Iwouldbecrying
becauseIwouldhavesomuch
deepfeelingandsadness
forsomanythings,youknow.
Anditwasreallythefirsttime
thatIacknowledged
thatmymom,andmygrandma,
andallthesewomenthatIjust
helduponthispedestal,
theymaynotberight.
Andtheymay
besufferingtoo,and...
AndIwaslike,whoa,thecycle
ofsufferingactuallyjustkeeps
going,andgoing,andgoing.
There'snoonetoblame.
There'snoplacewhereitstops.
Itjustkeepsgoing,
andI'mjustpartofthislike
cyclicalsufferingthat'sbeen
probablygoingonin
myfamilyforgenerations.
ComingtoMexico,
Ithoughtitwouldbelike
theperfecttime
tocreatethis
altarfortheclitoris
thatI'vebeenthinking
aboutforyears.
-Doyouneedanyhelp,
justtoprepareorsomething?
-Um...maybe.
Notrightnow,no.
IwasraisedGreekOrthodox
'causemymomisGreek.
SoIgrewupgoing
toGreekchurch.
Inoticedprettyearlyonthat
womenwerenotallowed
intothealtar,period.
Period.
Withaclearunderstandingof
sacredspacebelongingtomen,
andthatwomen'spermissionwas
basedonaseparatesetofrules
thattheyhavedecided,
suchasvirginity.
Whichoutragedme,
evenasakid.
-You'resayingyou're
hangingeverythingupabove?
-Exactly.
-Soyou'regonnaputscrews
intothebeams?
-Iguessso.
-Hmm.
Whattimeisthe,uh...
-8:00.
Ithinkwithmymom,
allthemessages
thatIgotfromthechurch,
shegotthemabout500times
moreaggressively.
Andshestilldoesn't
havethelanguagetotalk
aboutherexperiences
thewaythatIdo.
-Myfirstreactionwas
alittlebitofa,"Really?"
Alittleshock.
Youknow,Icanbealittle
conservative.
AndsoIhadtotakeasecond
look'causeit'smydaughter,
andrealizethatshewas
highlightingsomethings
thatwejusthaven'tbeen
talkingaboutforalongtime.
Therewereotherthingsthat,
youknow,thatweweretaught
thatturnedout
tobefallaciesaswell,
andthat'salways
verydisappointing
andwestrugglewithhow
toreconcileallofthat.
Andthisisonemore
exampleofit.
Butforsomanygenerations
it'sbeengoingon.
Oncewesaythat
thebodyisnotsacred,
andwhat'sdonetoitforwomen
willdamageit,
itbasicallysetsupalogic
wherewomenare
damagedgoods,right?
They'reirredeemable.
Andtherapeandviolence
againstthemisacceptable.
Youknow,wejustthrow
ourhandsup.
'Causewe'vealreadyaccepted
thattheyaretheseeasily
defiledvessels.
Reallyreligioncreating
adivide
betweenthesoulandthebody,
thespiritandthephysical,
thatparticularlyharmswomen
becauseyouronlywaytobepure
isthroughvirginity,
andafterthat
they'retarnishedforever.
It'sreallysoviolent
towomen.
-Violencecanbemanythings.
Itdoesn'thavetolooksolike
vulgarorsuperaggressive.
Likeviolencecanalso
bepassive,
violencecanalso
benon-action.
Thepresentationofmasculinity
todayisveryfragile.
Nomeansyes!
Yesmeansanal!
Nomeansyes!
Yesmeansanal!
-Sowomenweretotake
aholdoftheirownsexuality?
-Yesmeanyes
andnomeansno!
-Yesmeanyesandnomeansno!
Theimpactthat
thatcouldhaveonmasculinity
couldbesevere.
Soit'salmostthispushback
ofpreventing
thatsortofuprising.
Youknow,likewhen
Ididmyshow
intheUniversity
ofTheSouthinTennessee,
theworkwasshown
inthelibrary.
Soallthejocks,
andthefratbrothers,
andthesororitysisters
wereseeingit
thatnormallywouldn't.
Becausenormallythework
wouldbeinagallery.
Peoplebasicallyhad
atotalconniption.
Igotdeaththreats.
Andpeoplewanted
tolikeattackthesculpture
andlikebringit
undersubmission.
"Donotfuckingtouchme."
It'ssohardforwomen
tosaythat.
Becauseit's
sosociallyunacceptable
forawomantotellaman"no."
Ithinkforaheterosexualman,
youdon'thaveanyinsight
intotheexperience
thatawomanhaseveryday
walkingdownthestreet
andhowaggressiveitis.
Andhowprevalentitis.
YesterdayIworeadress
andthisguywaslike,
"Ilikeyourdress!"
I'mlike,"Shutthefuckup!"
Ididn'twearthisdressforyou
tomakeacommentaboutit.
Ireallyfeltgood
walkingaroundinit.
Justwalkingdownthestreet,
I'dhavemenbelike,"Iwant
tostickmydickinyourmouth!"
SometimesIjustbelike...
Iwasraped
whenIwas16yearsold.
Iwasrapedatknifepoint.
Hishandskindastartedmoving.
Heforcedhimselfinsideme.
Therewasjustawoman
honorkilled
becauseshewasposting
thesepicturesofherself
thatweresexuallysuggestive.
Andshecouldn'tbecontrolled,
soshehadtobekilled.
Somuchoftheviolence
thathappensagainstwomen,
it'sreallyaboutkeepingus
inourplace.
-Iwaswearing
mynormalclothes.
-"Well,let'sdothis."
Andhestartedtouchingme.
-Iwaslabeledawhore.
-Aslut.
-Grabbedbystrangemen.
-Iwasrapedon
mydormroomfloor.
-Iwaskidnappedandraped.
-WhenIwasraped,Iwas13.
-Womenofcolor,
particularlyblackwomen,
likerapeisapart
ofcolonization
andapartoftheexperience
ofbeingblackinthiscountry.
Youknow,beingowned
bysomeone.
Theyhadarighttodowhatever
theywantedtotoyourbody.
WhenIconnect
toallthestories
ofwomeninmylifewhohave
beenraped,likesomany.
Somany.
-Iwaspreyedupon
andthenraped.
-Weareviolated,
weareharassed,
wearetouched,
wearetrapped,we'rescared.
-Iwasboundandhadtape
overmyeyes.
-Hekeptontellingme
howmuchIlikedit
andhowmuchIenjoyedit.
-Iwassoscared.
-Hetalkedabout
pornographicmaterials
depictingindividuals
withlargepenises.
Onseveraloccasions,
Thomastoldmegraphically
ofhisownsexualprowess.
-BothBrettandMark
weredrunkenlylaughing
duringtheattack.
AndIthoughtthatBrettwas
accidentallygoingtokillme.
-"Howdidyougethome?"
"Idon'tremember."
"How'dyougetthere?"
"Idon'tremember."
"Whereistheplace?"
"Idon'tremember."
-Lookatmewhen
I'mtalkingtoyou!
You'retellingmethat
myassaultdoesn'tmatter!
Thatwhathappenedtome
doesn'tmatter!
Andthatyou'regonnaletpeople
whodothesethingsintopower.
Thisaltarserves
somanypurposes,
butoneofthemistosay
thatthebodyisalready
andalwayssacred.
Thatcanneverbetakenaway,
itcanneverbetarnished.
-Ooh
Can'tanybodysee?
We'vegotawartofight
Iwantwomentocomein
andfeelhonored
andfeelpowerful...
-Regardlessof
whattheysay
...andfeelconnectedtowho
theyareonanancestrallevel.
-Ithinktheviolence
comesfromasystem
thatismeanttobeviolent.
Andhowdoyouget
awayfromthat?
Youhavetoliterallyget
ridofthefuckingsystem.
-Takeone!
-Action!
-What'sup,beautifulpeople?
Coriamaheretogiveyousome
muchneededsextalk.
Onseasonone,I'llbechatting
withsomeChicagoheavyhitters
andgettingintimate
aboutburlesque,popculture,
genderbending,andself-care.
Hereon"QueertheAir,"
weunderstandthepursuit
ofourhealthandpleasure
asarevolutionaryact.
Andweupliftthevoicesof
black,queer,andtransfolks.
We'rejustlivinginafearful
fear-filledclimate
politicallyandculturally
inAmerica,
andsoIfeellike
queernessis...
isliterally
anoptionforfreedom.
Youknowwhattheysay,
youcan'tbeinthepresence
ofagodwithoutanoffering,
sogiveitupforLucyStoole.
-Howareyoudoingtoday?
-Alreadylookatus,
we'relikematching.
Theshoes,thejacket.
Socute.
ButIjustwanttostartoff
bytalkingalittlebit
aboutyourpreferredpronouns.
-SowhenI'mindrag
it's"she,"outofdrag,
"they,them."
-Okay.
-"She,he"actually.
Inthatorder.
Sohowhasyouridentity
affectedlikeyourdrag
experience?
-WhenIstartedtododrag,
itactuallymadeit
alotmorecomfortableforme
toacceptthewhole
femsideofmyself
andhowmuchItried
tohavethatkindof
likepushedoutofme.
Gettingintodrag...
Wemanipulate
theideaofwomanism
offemininity
tolikeaspecificexperience.
Andwhenpeoplelike
orexperiencedifferent,
wetellpeoplethat
it'snotokay.
IstartedoffwithLucy,
thisloudmouthgirl
thatwasgonnabesayingthings
thatwe're,quoteunquote,
"notsupposedtosay."
Ifyouhavebinaries,
it'scoolthatpeopledo
livewithinthem,
butitlimits
otherpeoplewhodon't.
Itwouldbedifferentif
peoplewerejustlike,
"Oh,thisiswhat
binarypeopledo,
"butthere'salltheseother
thingsthatotherpeopledo,
andit'scool,
andthey'rejustasfree."
Butthat'snotwhathappens.
-Whenyou'renotwillingto
playwithsomebodyelse'srules,
theywillexcludeyou.
AslongasI'mlikebeing
agoodperson,
I'mjustgonna
doitmyownway.
Ithinkeveryoneis
apartoftheresolution.
Maybeyou'rejusta,
youknow,cisperson
livingyourcis-asslife
andjust,youdon'tidentify
withsame-genderloving,
ornon-binary,allthesethings.
ButIthinklikehaving
aqueerlensistounderstand
usinggender-neutralterms.
Justbeokaywithsomeone
havinganon-conventional
familystructure.
Andtoaffirmsomeone
livingtheirtruth.
-Ifyou'regonnabe
misogynistic,racist,
homophobic,it'slike,
Iwanttofuckinglaughatyou.
I'msorryforyou.
I'msadforyouthatyouthink
thatthatstillflies.
Likethecultureismovingon.
-Morning!
What'supwithVesper?
Sowhen'sithitthelineagain?
-Roughlytwoweeks.Thesilver.
-Okay'causewe'vegotten
lotsofVespersales
thelastcoupleweeks.
Sowe'regonnaget
verytightoninventory.
Itreallyfelt
likewomenandmen,
wewereallverymuchready
culturallytotalkaboutsex.
Butitwasn'teasy.
Andsowewondered,whatabout
iftherewasavibrator
thatyoucouldwearout?
Ithadapubliclife
aswellasthisprivatelife.
-DoestheVesper
havetheoption
togetacustomengraving?
Somebodylikespizza.
It'slikeastatementofyour
sexuality,owningyourpleasure.
Butalso,moreimportantly,
itstartedaconversation.
Womenwearthistobrunch
withtheirgirlfriends,
gototheclub.
Andwomenwouldbelike,
"Oh,myGod,whatisthis?"
Andthey'llbelike,
"Oh,it'savibrator."
I'mlike,"Oh,myGod!
Tellmemore!
Igottahaveone!"
Forme,itjustseemed
tomakesense
thatweshouldtalkaboutsex,
weshouldtalkaboutpleasure.
It'spartofwhoweare.
-Thewaythatweexpress
likelovelanguages,
beingphysicallyapart
islikenotideal.
-Onethingthat
IfeellikeImissoften
whenyou'renotaroundis
like...
-Mm-hmm.
-Ijustmissthewayyousmell.
Forme,whenyouconnect
withsomeone'sspirit,
it'sveryorganic,
they'rejustbeingthemselves.
Thosearethemoments
thatlikemakemefeellike,
"Oh,thishumanconnectionis
sobeautifulandpowerful!"
Whenmeandhimfirstmet,
Irememberhisskin
becausehehad
nosleevesonhisshirt.
Helikebrushedupagainstme
andIwaslike,"Heavenly."
Iwaslike,"Oh,Jesus,
thisissobeautiful."
Forme,eroticpleasure
isjustthepossibilityofbliss
andbeautyinmylife.
Youwanttotakeanapwithme?
-Oh,yeah.
Yeah.
Sure.
-Hi,sweets!
Ruq'stalkedtomeaboutcrushes
'causeshe'sprobablylikedboys
forquiteafewyears.
-Ewww!
Iwouldcautionher
thatwhenyoulikesomebody,
andsomeoneissuddenly
veryattractivetoyou,
nottothinkthat
somehowobtaining
thisperson'sattention
willfillsomething
insideofher.
Becauseit'snotgoingto.
Youwanttobe
fillingit
withamoreintense
self-createdenergy
sothatyoucanbe
twocoolpeopletogether.
Themostimportantthing
thatIwouldwanttotellher
isthatGodmadeyouloud,
singing,dancing,
allofthesethings.
Sometimespeoplewillfeellike,
"Oh,it'stoomuch."
Oryou'retoothis
oryou'retoothat.
Butit'snotlikeyou'redoing
somethingwrongbyexisting
orbybeingbeautiful.
Ifitfeelstruetoyou,then
that'swhatGodwantsfromyou.
Humansareasocialspecies,
andsoconnectionwith
otherindividuals
isthemostsortof
basichumantrait.
Theabilitytocontrolthat
intimacyandthatconnection
issoimportanttosortofhuman
freedomandliberation.
-Iknowmany,manydancers
whomakeitapoint
totakemoney
fromstraightwhitemen
whoareatthevery,
verytopofsociety
andputitinthehands
ofwomen,peopleofcolor,
andtheLGBTQcommunity.
USA!USA!USA!
-WhenTrumpgotelected,
Iwasintheclubwatching
theworldchangefortheworse.
Trumpsupporters
werecelebrating.
AndyouknowwhatIdid?
Ihadagreatnight.
Imadealotofmoney.
Attheendoftheday,
theirmoneyisbetteroff
inmyhands.
Period.
Irememberwatching
thewomen'smarches
allaroundthecountry
onInaugurationDay.
Wewantaleader,
notacreepytweeter!
Andthinking,
outofgreatruptures...
-Readytogo!
Readytogo!
-...cancomesolidarity
andprogress.
It'snotjustaboutpleasure,
it'sabouthowdoyoumakesure
youcanhaveaccess
tolikesafemedicalcare,
includingabortion.
Orthatyourrapekit
getsprocessedbythepolice.
Orthatyourdaughter
andyourson
aretaughtaccurate
sexeducation.
Andthat'swhy
wehavetotalkaboutit
andkeeptalkingaboutit.
Tostudytheclitoris,
isthatadangerousthing?
-Honestly,Ifindit
dangerousnotto.
I'mnotafraidofthiswork.
-Ican'tkeepquiet
-No,no,no,no
-Oh,Ican'tkeepquiet
-No,no,no
-Aone-womanriot
-No,no,no
-Ican'tkeepquiet
Foranyone
Therearemanykindsofpower,
boththeonesweuse
andtheoneswedonotyetuse,
acknowledgedandotherwise.
"Theeroticisaresource
withineachofus
"thatliesinadeeplyfemale
andspiritualplane
"firmlyrooted
inthepowerofourunexpressed
orunrecognizedfeeling."
"Wehavebeentaught
tosuspectthisresource.
Vilified,abused,anddevalued
withinwesternsociety."
-"Womenhavebeenmade
tosuffer,
"andtofeelboth
contemptibleandsuspect
byvirtueofitsexistence."
Iwannareadthiswholebook.
-Nooneknowsme
nooneeverwill
IfIdon'tsaysomething
IfIjustliestill
WouldIbethatmonster?
Scarethemallaway
IfIletthemhear
WhatIhavetosay
Ican'tkeepquiet
No,no,no
-"Wehaveoftenturnedaway
fromtheexploration
"andconsideration
oftheerotic
"asasourceofpower
andinformation."
-"Wehavebeenraised
"tofearthe'yes'
withinourselves,
ourdeepestcravings."
-"Thefearkeepsus..."
-"...docile..."
-"...andloyal..."
-"...andobedient."
-"Andleadsustoaccept
manyfacets
ofouroppressionaswomen."
-"Onlynow,Ifindmore
andmorewomen-identifiedwomen
"braveenoughtorisksharing
theerotic'selectricalcharge
withouthavingtolookaway."
"Recognizingthepower
oftheeroticwithinourlives
"cangiveustheenergy
topursuegenuinechange
withinourworld."
"Ratherthanmerely
settlingforashift
ofcharactersinthesame
weary-assdrama."
"WhenIspeak
oftheeroticthen,
Ispeakofitasanassertion
ofthelifeforceofwomen."
-"Ofthatcreative
energyempowered."
-"Theknowledgeanduse
ofwhichwearenowreclaiming
inourlanguage."
-"Ourhistory."
-"Ourdancing."
-"Ourloving."
-"Ourwork."
-"Ourlives."
-Ican'tkeepquiet
-Letitout,letitout
letitoutnow
-NoIcan'tkeepquiet
-Letitout,letitout
letitoutnow
-There'llbe
someonewhounderstands
-Letitout,letitout
letitoutnow
-Nowecan'tkeepquiet
-Letitout,letitout
letitoutnow
-Oh,boy,yeah
-Letitout,letitout
letitoutnow
-There'llbe
someonewhounderstands
Letitout,letitout
letitoutnow
Oh,oh
Letitout,letitout
letitoutnow
Oh,oh
-Letitout,letitout
letitoutnow
-Oh
Yeah...