The Duke Wore Jeans (1958) Movie Script

Hello, darling.
Hello, my boy.
Eh, it's good to be back.
Well, it's grand to be home.
I don't want to sound
too depressing, father,
but this may not be our home much longer.
If I can't sell any
of our cattle abroad,
we're really in trouble.
Don't worry, darling.
Everything's arranged.
Isn't it, Edward?
It certainly is.
When do I leave for Ritalla?
Tomorrow if you like.
You'll have a wonderful
time just as we've had.
It's a beautiful country.
Everything about the place is beautiful.
Eh, my dear?
Except their cattle I hope.
May I see those photographs, father?
Right you are.
Come here, my boy.
Take a look at these.
Well, sit yourself down, Tony.
Well then, look.
Modern place, eh?
Fresh as paint.
And all because of oil.
Ritalla struck oil a few years ago
and every barrel earns a royalty
in fresh crinkly dollars for the king.
Charming, man.
Yes, I know about that, father.
Charming palace.
Newly built.
That's where you'll stay
as guest of their majesty.
And their daughter, the Princess Maria.
The cattle, father?
Here you are.
If this is a fair
example of Ritallan cattle,
the country's going to need
our Whitecliffe thoroughbreds.
Go on.
Pretty girl.
Ain't she beautiful?
Father, the king needs good cattle.
We can supply it.
But if he wants a further
supply of princesses,
no one can help him but himself.
I fail to see why you take pictures of a.
Ah, that's better.
Mm, bad grazing.
Unscientific breeding.
The signs are all here.
Now if you can show me some more.
Really father, how can I hope
to study the sales
possibilities of these cattle
when all you show me is this girl?
Let's face it.
He only has eyes for cows.
You talk to him, Cynthia.
Oh no, Edward, you.
Well, Edward.
Well, it's arranged, but
I never felt more ashamed
in all my life putting pressuring
on Tony to barter himself.
What else could we do?
Poor boy.
Perhaps you ought to speak to
him again just to make sure.
No time.
It's late now.
I must telephone the airline people
to make sure of his ticket.
Why not send Cooper with him?
Yes I think perhaps we should.
To buy a ticket for Cooper as well,
I shall have to pawn the blessed car.
I've got a pale full
of milk to sell you
I'm in a most ghastly hole.
If you can't help me, I'm sank.
Sounds like a worse scrape than usual.
It's a disaster.
Surely not, Master Tony.
My father has arranged for me
to marry the Princess Maria of Ritalla.
There, how 'bout that?
But you can't and you
must tell him why you can't.
Is that all you can suggest?
Come on, Cooper.
You can do better than that.
I'm sorry, sir.
There is no alternative.
There must be.
At least someone is happy this morning.
I'll give him happy.
The blighter's trespassing.
Oh look it's all happening
It's all happening
And I heard 'em say they're
giving it away for free
If you don't believe me
Well take a look, a look see
There's loving in the air
Like the whole wide world don't care
You can feel it stealing
in up on the summer breeze
And if you climb up any tree
Then it's a sure thing to see
That well known mystery,
the birds and bees
Oh look, it's all happening
I heard 'em say they're
giving it away for free
Mama's busy in the nest
Papa's puffing out his chest
She's hatched a brood that's
put him in a mood to sing
And there's a worm down here
Who wishes good appetite to the fishes
'Cause she knows she looks
delicious in the spring
And if you don't believe me
I'm in love with everything
So excuse me if I sing
It's the kind of day when
nothing's in the way of joy
'Cause there's a
million couples mating
And papa soon will be waiting
To hear somebody stating it's a boy
If you don't believe it
Take a look at me
This is the solution.
Oh sir, you can't, sir.
It would never work, sir.
Well, it must and you're
going to help me, Cooper.
Oh, but sir.
Hi, mate.
This the Whitecliffe Farm?
The Whitecliffe Farm?
Well that's what they
said in the village.
The village?
Yeah, I'm looking
for a couple days work.
A couple of day's work?
You know the type that
brings in the money.
Yeah, window cleaning, cleaning
out your cowshed, weeding.
Have I seen you somewhere before?
You know you don't half
remind me of someone.
Do I?
Who could it be?
Blimey, it's me.
That's right.
Well we'd better get
to know each other then.
My name's Tommy Hudson.
You can call me Tommy.
You can call me Tony for
the moment and this is Cooper.
What are you doing here?
Well I'm hitching around the country.
You know, looking at life before I decide
to have a go myself.
An enterprising sort of chap, eh?
Most adventurous.
Oh, it's a laugh you know,
but at the moment I'm looking
for a couple day's work.
Nothing permanent, mind you.
Any chance here?
There's every chance.
Just what the Whitecliffe's need.
An enterprising
adventurous sort of chap.
What kind of a job is it?
It's a pushover.
A dream.
How would you like to go to Ritalla?
The Cadillac Kingdom.
Blazing sun all day.
Balmy nights.
First class plane tickets.
You stay in the palace.
Guests of the king and queen.
Marry a princess.
Wear a crown in bed I suppose.
No, that's just what you mustn't do.
Well, what do you think?
I think you're harmless,
but I know you're cracked.
Give my regards to Napoleon, will ya.
Get out.
Let go.
Now, Tommy.
Mr. Hudson, listen.
Now listen, I'm the
honourable Tony Whitecliffe.
Yeah and I'm Oliver Cromwell.
Get out of it.
All right, I'm listening.
I am Tony Whitecliffe.
Yeah, course you are, mate.
My father wants me to marry
the Princess of Ritalla.
Well, is that good or bad?
Master Tony is already married.
To a girl.
Well that's normal anyway.
I mean an ordinary girl.
She has no title.
Our marriage is secret.
My parents would never have agreed
to me marrying a girl without a title.
You couldn't just tell
'em I suppose, could you?
The only way out is for you to go
to Ritalla in my place
and pretend you're me.
Give you a bit of a breather.
You've got it.
Course I've got it.
I'm not daft, but I know who is.
Get out of it.
Blimey, it's him.
It is true after all.
Then you'll go?
Well if it'll help you
out, I'll have a try.
Sir, before any final decision is taken,
may I strongly advise a test.
Your mother.
Take me to mama.
Her grace usually
takes tea at this hour.
An excellent opportunity.
We just have time.
Good luck, Tommy.
Come on, Coop.
I mean, goodness gracious.
Master Tony's watch and ring, sir.
That'll be all, Coop.
It is not all, sir.
I must help you dress.
It's customary, sir.
Look, I'll do me own
buttons up if you don't mind.
That's customary where we come from.
Hey, Coop.
I kind of forgot to
have something for dinner.
Any chance of working in
some grub in on the tea?
Certainly, sir.
Thank you, Cooper.
You know I never eat
anything at this time of day.
Master Tony especially
requested some grub, your grace.
I beg your pardon, your grace.
Food, I lapses linguae.
Hello again, mater.
Oh Tony, darling.
You haven't called me that
since you left school.
Well I'm as happy as a
schoolboy and just as hungry.
Why certainly, mater old thing.
Wonderful weather, spiffing sunshine.
Jolly hot crumpets.
You may go, Cooper.
Your grace.
What's the mater matter?
Matter mater?
Well, I'd better go then.
Can I have a crumpet please?
Don't be so absurd.
Darling, are you pretending
this for my sake?
What, what?
Pretending to be happy?
But I am happy.
You mean about going
to Ritalla and you know?
Of course.
I'm so relieved.
Your father's arranging
about airline tickets
for you and Cooper.
Cooper's going with you.
Won't that be nice?
There's just one thing that puzzles me.
We were under the impression
that you were against the whole thing.
What made you change your mind?
Well just recently
I've become a new man.
I've taken a look at myself
and I see where my duty lies.
Family tradition, old
school tie and all that rot.
You know Tony, this doesn't
sound at all like you.
You can say that again.
There's just one last
thing I'd like to ask.
Of course, darling.
What is it?
Can I have a crumpet please?
Come in.
How'd it go?
It worked.
Ah, you leave tomorrow?
Yeah with Cooper.
Oh, that's wonderful.
I'll go away with the wife for a while.
Perfect switch, eh?
What's the matter?
Why the long face?
Well, it's your mum.
She was a nice lady.
She didn't strike me as what
you said she was, a snob.
That's nice of you, but I
think I know my own folk best.
Yeah, suppose so.
Now look old chap, for a
while you've got to get used
to the idea of being an aristocrat.
It isn't all champagne and oysters.
Take it from me.
Well, I'll need a few more tips then.
How about giving 'em to me?
Certainly if you like to tell me
what's life like down your way.
Fair enough.
After you.
What do you do when you're invited
Out to the joint where
guys get knighted
Raise your hat and say
that you're delighted
Yes but tell me
What do you do when noses stick up
'Cause you don't know
which knife to pick up
Look around you and politely hiccup
Yes, but I know
Champagne tea and caviar
Need to be approached with etiquette
Very well then
Campaign for a samovar
Get the better of the better set
Gor blimey
What do you do when
debutanties take you to tea
To meet their aunties
You're as wise as I am
Fine adviser I am
What do you do
What do you, what do you do
What do you do with no school tie on
No Oxford accent to rely on
Sing a verse or two of any old iron
Yes but tell me
What do you do when you go places
What do you wear when at the races
Suppose I'll have to
use me father's braces
Yes but I know
Fish and chips and jellied eel
Is a diet I don't understand
Oh how I wish you
knew just how it feels
Eating a banana down the strand
Oh matey
What do you do when clubs refuse you
Can't even get your name in who's who
That all happened in a
bit of a rush, didn't it eh?
Perhaps in too much of a rush.
Do you fully understand
your brief on this mission?
Course I do.
Don't worry.
The journey takes 11 hours.
At 3:30 precisely we will land
and transfer to a plane
of the king's flight
in which we will continue the
journey to Ritalla Airport.
I suggest you use the time to study.
I'll look like a
cow by the time I get there.
Start reading.
Keep your mind on cattle
and off the princess.
Look, you haven't even
shown me a picture of her yet.
Besides, I'm not going
to get any ideas anyway.
All right?
She won't even notice me, mate.
I bet she's never met
an ordinary bloke before
since the day she was born.
Lady Marguerita, if you
speak on that telephone,
I'll never speak to you again.
It's ringing.
$80,000 for a palace telephone system
and I can't even get
through to me own daughter.
But your highness you know who it is.
I also know what I'm doing.
We know she's in.
We also know she's
not answering, don't we?
What are we to do?
Whitecliffe will be
landing in a few minutes.
This time Maria's really gone too far.
She'll either obey my royal command
or she'll get a royal smacked bottom.
She's not too old for that yet.
Now you listen to me, my girl.
Oh my poor, darling.
Whatever's the matter?
What's happened?
I've developed a sudden
severe and infectious chill.
And is that your diagnosis, doctor?
Your majesty, the case
is of exceptional interest.
There are no physical symptoms.
I'm inclined to the
view that this ailment
is of deep psychiatric origin.
Deep psychiatric lead swinging.
Oh your majesty,
if you will allow me to elaborate.
I will allow you to leave us.
Your majesty.
Maria, you will get out of this bed
and down to the airport or I
shall give you such a smacking
you won't be able to sit
down at your coronation.
Darling, how can you be so harsh?
How can you be so gullible?
You never suffered from
a diplomatic illness?
If you've got a chill,
I've got housemaid's knee.
I refuse to be married off to any...
How many times must I tell you
that if you don't marry some noble
or other within the next six months,
I shall have to abdicate.
No, you won't.
The girl's mad.
She has absolutely no idea.
Oh, I have plenty of ideas
and an arranged marriage
isn't one of them.
You stubborn little...
Maria, give it a chance.
Meet him.
You may like him.
Like him, mother?
Some chinless chump from the land of fog.
Here, look.
Here is a photograph.
A photograph which you
have stubbornly refused
even to look at.
And I refuse now.
But here is definite
documentary proof of the chin.
Why dammit his family goes
back to William the Conqueror.
And it can stay there.
Lady Marguerita, will you kindly hand me
a smooth backed hairbrush?
We have to get to the airport, dear.
So we have.
Lucky for you.
The Princess Maria's apartment.
Please wait a moment.
It's the Prime Minister, Mr. Bastini.
He craves an audience.
Well tell him to stop
craving and come on round.
The audience is granted.
Immediately Mr. Prime Minister.
Your highness.
How many times must I tell
you I know what I'm doing?
Your highness.
Your highness, my congratulations.
The chill.
A master stroke.
That is the only reason why I sought
this audience your highness
to express my admiration.
Oh no, don't go.
There's still something
I don't quite understand.
You want to abolish this old rule
that the successor to
the throne must marry
before the age of 21.
My dearest ambition and
with your gracious help.
Yes, that's just it.
Why my help?
Why can't you just do it?
Why do we have to go through all this?
What charming youthful
My dear princess, in politics
one must be dramatic.
One must find a symbol for
the people to rally round.
You are that symbol.
When it is revealed that you
refused an arranged marriage,
the absurdity of the law
will be personalised.
It's repeal will become
popular, non controversial,
and forever linked with your name.
And no longer will an archaic time limit...
Yes, yes, you can save
your speech for parliament.
Can't I tell my father?
He's so worried.
A surprise.
Let it be a surprise.
So much more pleasant, don't you think?
I always think that depends so much
on the kind of surprise.
Don't you, Mr. Bastini?
Just think, I shall be able to marry
who I like when I like.
Take your time, princess.
Now there is no hurry.
Thank you, Bastini.
Please, may I be allowed to speak
to you absolutely freely, your highness?
Not if you have anything to say against
that magnificent and progressive patriot.
Fiddle faddle.
He's ambitious and crafty and
you put yourself in his hands.
You could be making a
terrible mistake, Maria.
The only thing I'm making is history.
Hey Coop, there's an army down there.
Who they waiting for?
Well, 'ere we go.
Here we go.
That's what I said.
You didn't.
Watch those H's.
Please, these people have
met the Duke and Duchess.
You're supposed to be their son, remember?
You're supposed to be honourable.
Look, the only way
we're going to get away
with this is by me being myself.
Welcome to Ritalla.
Nice to be here, your majesty.
The hand.
I trust you had a pleasant journey?
I mean fab, your majesty.
Oh, this is Cooper.
He's my.
Aide de camp.
He's got all the patter off pat.
Perhaps you'd care to
inspect the guard of honour?
Oh, on second thought, your majesty,
if you don't mind me saying so.
Looks like they'd like
the rest of the day off.
How very thoughtful of you.
See to that, will you General?
You will ride with General
Bartolomeo, Mr. Cooper.
Of course, your majesty.
See you later, Coop.
I met a number of your
nobles on my visit to England.
Your master seems refreshingly
different from most of them.
The aristocracy has been
democratised, General.
From what I saw of him,
I'd say revolutionised.
You are too kind, General.
I hope we enjoy our trip to Ritalla
as much as you enjoyed
your visit to England.
I found your country very instructive.
As a matter of fact, I
took a course at Sandhurst
and of course our army
is modelled on yours.
Oh, so this isn't the first time bull
has been imported from England?
That paraphernalia down at
the airport, your majesty.
Does that mean your people
know about, you know,
your daughter and me?
Oh, no, no.
The romance must appear
to develop naturally.
If my dear Maria had been
at the airport to meet you...
They would have caught on, eh.
You may rest assured to the people
at the moment you mean one thing only.
Cheap meat.
Oh, the cattle deal.
Yes, yes.
Our country is rich in
oil but poor in livestock.
However, an infusion of
the Whitecliffe stock
will alter all that in a few years.
it won't take a few years.
Your dress, sir.
I got to wear this lot?
What's that, disinfectant?
Get them on.
You're due at the official reception.
But they just met me.
Now you have to be received formally
at court in the throne room.
Will I see the princess?
I know, I know.
Don't get so excited.
I only wondered what she looks like.
This time you'll have to help me dress.
What do they want to
give me this thing for?
I'm not going to kill anybody.
Come on.
I am Bastini, Prime
Minister and Minister of War.
Do you wanna buy a sword, mate?
Greetings, greetings, greetings.
Hear ye a proclamation of
greeting in the court of Ritalla
in the presence of their
majesties the King and Queen.
Is the Princess in there?
Her highness has a chill, sir.
She is susceptible to them.
She cannot stand anything cold.
Or anything from a cold climate.
Well he's a right, Bastini, for a start.
And I charge you now to
receive the aforementioned
honourable Anthony Saint John
Normandy Agincourt Stephen
De Fawcett De Lisle Robinson
Purley Gascoyne Whitecliffe.
Blimey, it's a football team.
It's you, sir.
Look, do you mind if I lose this?
I'm gonna do myself an injury.
By all means.
We bid you welcome to
our kingdom and our home.
Anthony heir to Whitecliffes.
Thank you.
I, Anthony Saint John Normandie.
Do you really wanna hear all this?
Looks kind of dry to me, mate.
I've been waiting all my
life to hear someone say that.
You're really welcome.
And it's really very nice
to be here, your majesty.
Oh, is there anything in your book
where it says I can't
express myself in me own way?
Not a thing.
But your majesty...
If you don't mind, son, I
need plenty of room for this.
Unaccustomed as I am to making speeches,
they couldn't have found a
tighter pair of breeches.
I'm supposed to tell you
all just what I'm here for.
I'm supposed to tell you who I am
and therefore it's best for
me to skip the boring part.
And start right from the start
My great, great, great, great, great
Great, great, great grandfather
Came over with a
conqueror name of Bill
He pinched a bow and arrow
from an arrow's seller's barrer
Shot arrow in the eye on Hastings Hill
In the eye
On Hastings Hill
What a guy if looks could kill
Great, great grandfather
Enlisted with a feller
named Robin Hood
The knights were off crusading
While for maidens he went raiding
All the castles in the
Sherwood neighbourhood
On a raid he snatched a maid
And I'm afraid the maiden stayed
Our family tree
Is a bit of a mystery
The roots are pretty shaky
And the leaves are turning brown
But nobody ever had the nerve
To cut it down
My great, great, great
Was bowling with his
mate Sir Francis Drake
They shouted out our martyr
So he started bowling harder
He was in the middle
of a winning break
Couldn't spoil his winning break
Though the country was at stake
My great, great, great,
great, great grandfather
It's coming from the throne room.
Must be the Englishman.
This I've got to see.
Well only out of curiosity you understand.
But of course.
I'm naturally curious to
know what he looks like.
My great, great, great,
great grandfather
The less we say about him the better
My great, great grandfather
Ran off with a Duchess'
maid the day that he met her
They had a son, the only one
Although they wanted three
As nutty as a fruitcake
that they had for Sunday tea
And he turned out to be
My great grandfather
Whose picture hangs on the
wall in the family hall
Keeps looking down
with a shocking frown
As if to say nothing out of the way
Ever happened at all
Nobody ever had the nerve
To cut it down
Time for the news?
One must keep in touch.
I'm in touch.
In fact, I can tell you one item
that won't be on television.
Her royal highness falling
in love at first sight today.
Oh what nonsense.
With great respect
your royal and very young
and extremely stubborn highness,
it's you who is talking nonsense.
I tell you I don't care
if I never see him again
as long as I live.
The Honourable Anthony
Whitecliffe arrived
at Ritalla Airport this morning.
While he is in this country,
Mr. Whitecliffe will
be shown our oilfields
and other industries.
The young British nobleman
is here on an official visit
as the guest of their majesties
to discuss livestock problems.
It is hoped that
Whitecliffe pedigree cattle
will improve our own.
I've never been rushed
about so much in all me life.
What's the idea?
You're a VIP.
You're to be shown everything.
Except the Princess.
I wish her highness no harm,
but personally I'm
pleased she has a chill.
It saves us a lot of trouble.
Yeah, I suppose it does really.
Just think.
A couple of days ago I was trying
to get lifts in cars like this.
Hey Coop, look at that.
Master Tony would be horrified
and nor do I approve of
your dressing yourself up
like a Spanish bullfighter.
Think of where we're going next.
I only thought it might please them.
Haven't you had enough?
No, it's fun.
What does your guidebook say?
A Ritallan industry famous
through many generations
for the manufacture and export of.
We would be honoured Honourable Anthony
if you would accept this modern example
of our ancient craft as a memento
of your visit to our place of work.
Thank you.
And now to conclude
your so happy visit here,
our works band would like to play for you.
You take a pick
Find a string
Take it quick
Make it swing
Play a run
Strike a chord
Having fun
All aboard
Happy guitar play it for me
Happy guitar play that melody
I wanna hear that chunka chunka whoom
Ching chunka chunka whoom ching chah
From my happy, happy, happy guitar
When I'm blue she makes me grin
She stays by me through thick and thin
Yes where I go she strings along
That's why I sing this song
I wanna hear that chunka
chunka whoom ching
Chunka chunka whoom ching chah
That's why I sing this song oh, oh, oh
Lazy feet can't stay that way
Not when this tune begins to play
So clap your hands and feel the beat
It's coming from my gui, oh, oh, oh
From my happy, happy, happy, happy
Happy, happy guitar
Even a politician knows that young women
are always interested
in young men and so...
I assure you, Mr. Prime Minister,
I haven't the slightest interest
concerning this Whitecliffe person.
Nevertheless, to set your
mind completely at rest
to strengthen your resolution,
accept my considered judgement
that you would not be
in the least attracted to him.
I accept your judgement as always.
However, interested
parties of the old school
may approach you with false
and enthusiastic reports concerning him.
I shall ignore them all.
Well, what do you think of that?
You're listening to everything
but your heart my dear silly Maria.
You go too far.
Sometimes a lady in
waiting gets tired of waiting
for her mistress to show some commonsense.
Go away.
General, we have nothing to fear.
She hasn't any interest even
curiosity in Whitecliffe.
Then tomorrow?
At the cabinet meeting.
We confront the king with the facts.
He abdicates.
I declare a national emergency.
I declare a martial law.
And by nightfall a republic exists.
A military.
For the time being.
And the little princess
goes down in history.
But not the way she thinks.
Maria the dupe.
You have a politician's turn of phrase.
You have a general's sense of strategy.
We are partners.
He's back.
Yes, he'll be back in England
before you can say republic.
He'll get tired of waiting
suspicious of Maria's chill
and that will be that.
We must keep him busy.
But he's seen everything.
We just have to admit defeat.
Not quite.
At least we can keep
him entertained tonight.
How in heaven's name?
The staff dance.
Oh yes.
Yes, I'd forgotten that.
It'll amuse him.
Be amongst people of his own age.
He'll probably fall madly
in love with a laundry maid
and that will crown it.
Oh, I know my dear
it's a vulgar expression,
but if a King can't use it,
I'd like to know who can.
Get me Mr. Whitecliffe.
Excuse me.
Who is it?
Marguerita, your highness.
Oh, come in.
Oh forgive me.
I was all confused and very unhappy.
And I was much too hasty, my dear.
I of all people should
know that being a princess
isn't the easiest task in the world.
You do understand, don't you?
Of course.
You mustn't give into your feelings.
It's your clear destiny to
sacrifice your own chance
of happiness for posterity.
I shall probably never marry
like the First Elizabeth of England.
A great figure in history.
A virgin queen.
How wonderful for history.
If a little dull for you.
Now if I may a little advice.
Relax from your destiny awhile.
Have fun.
Go to the staff dance.
Their majesties will only
stay for the first dance
and I can see to it for a few hours
nobody calls you Maria there
much less highness or princess.
You can simply be a young girl
at a dance like any other.
Really relax from the
problem of being a princess.
It might do me good.
I know it would do you a lot of good.
Shall I help you to dress?
No, thanks.
You may go.
We've both had quite a day.
Here's to quite a night.
I think, my dear, our duty now consists
in leaving the young
people to enjoy themselves
in contemporary rhythm.
I quite agree.
Goodnight, Mr. Whitecliffe.
Sir, we are very pleased
to have you with us.
Thank you.
I have heard of your
unique presentation at court
and of your visit to the guitar factory.
I assure you, sir, it
would please us greatly
if you did in your tongue a
hat trick and sang for us.
This way, sir.
Can I have a guitar, please?
Thank you.
Come along, boys and girls.
Come closer.
It is all yours, sir.
Thank you.
Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba
Ba ba ba ba ba
You've gotta let your
hair down everybody
If you wanna have a time
Let your hair down everybody
'Cause I'm warning you that
I'm gonna let my hair down
Everybody's gotta let it down
Hair down
Come to the hair down hoedown
Who's that in the corner
What's it all about
Never been known to
pick a little wallflower
For it's blossomed out
You gotta let your hair down everybody
Everybody gotta let it down
Party's really swinging
I can see it move
We're all moving outta that rut
And into that well known groove
'Cause I'm warning you
that I'm gonna let my
Hair down everybody gotta let it down
Good evening, sir.
Good evening.
Now sir, scotch, gin,
or the old drop of wallop?
I think I'd like to try something local.
Something characteristic.
That is if it's not too strong.
Oh no, this isn't strong at all.
Ah, ah.
Rather pleasant.
Very palatable.
Thank you.
Oh, I beg your pardon.
Oh, sorry, it's my fault.
I shouldn't be wandering around.
Should be dancing.
So should you.
How 'bout it?
I'd be charmed.
Barman, my dear friend.
Dear friend.
What is the name of this
beneficial distillation?
Brandka, sir.
A Ritallan mixture of Brandy and Vodka.
Take a bottle, sir.
A thousands thanks.
Consider me launched.
God bless me and all who sail in me.
Do you work in the palace?
Yes, I'm a cook.
What's your favourite dish?
I haven't any.
I just like cooking things up.
What's cooking?
You'd be surprised.
Hey, what's up?
Just remembered something on the boil.
Must fly.
Forgive me.
Have fun.
Would you like to dance?
Thank you.
Do you come here often?
That's what I should ask you.
Well I work here, but I've
never seen you around.
No, I'm on a visit.
Oh, anything to do with
this Englishman Whitecliffe?
Well, I work for him sort of.
That sounds mysterious.
Is your work secret?
Well it is, but I'm not
very good at keeping secrets.
What do you mean?
Believe it or not that sort of depends
on how well we dance together.
What's your name?
Same as the princess.
Oh, there's a quarter
of a million Marias
in this country all about
the same age as the princess.
What do you call yourself?
Tommy Hudson.
You don't look like
a Tommy Hudson somehow.
I seem to have seen you somewhere before.
I must have a double.
How confusing for you.
Not if I know who I am or how I feel.
Do you right now for sure?
Sure I do.
I'm leaving.
You just got here.
This is a horrible dance.
Not what I expected at all.
Leave me alone.
Have I said something?
You said nothing.
Well what do you want me to say?
I like you.
I like to be with you.
We've only just met.
You've never seen me before.
Look, if you don't like me okay.
That's that but say so.
I don't want to.
Well what do you want to say?
Well let's meet again
in a couple of hours
in the grounds by the trees.
Yeah but...
You go back to the dance.
But I want to be with you.
In a couple of hours when
we've both had time to think.
Time to think, eh?
That's right.
Well think about this.
Hey Coop.
Come and have a drink.
Don't want a drink.
I'm in enough trouble already.
I wanna talk to you.
Nobody's in trouble.
There's no such thing as trouble.
The word has been abolished
and all for the best happiness.
The best of all possible worlds.
Will you listen?
Beautiful music.
Look, I need your help, your advice.
My advice to you is to have a brandka.
My advice to everybody
is to have a brandka.
Cures all ills.
Washes whitest.
Not a stain in sight.
Renews the bloodstream.
Creates friendship.
Brandka is the drink that
thirst was invented for.
Coop listen, Maria.
A girl called Maria.
That's it.
Got a chill.
We've got to cure her.
Got to pump the princess full of brandka.
Worth a guinea a glass.
I can't believe it.
There must be a good reason.
Oh, there is.
Can't you see?
He found out I wanted
nothing to do with him
and this cheap trick at the dance
is to make me think he
loves me for myself,
whether I'm a princess or not.
Oh, it makes me sick.
He's just a crude fortune
hunting philanderer
and worse he must think
I'm an absolute fool
to fall for a cheap swindle like that.
Just a minute.
Did you know he was
going to be at the dance?
Yes, my dear, of course.
I was trying to help.
You did.
Thank you.
Without that knowledge, I might have spent
the rest of my life pining for somebody
absolutely cold blooded and worthless.
Now, I never want to see him again.
But you arranged to
meet him all the same.
I must give him this one chance
just in case there is a good reason.
Oh look it's all
It's all
I heard 'em say they're
giving it away for free
Well have you had time to think?
Have you?
Of course.
And now you can tell me the truth?
Well that depends on...
Well, that's not very encouraging.
No, I know.
I'm not much hand at
these pretty speeches,
but if you'll listen I'll have a go.
I've told you before I like you.
I like you a lot.
And I got a feeling you don't exactly
think I'm a dog either.
Well if you do, say so.
It'll save us both a lot of trouble.
I'm sorry.
I need just a little more time
to work out exactly what I think.
You don't understand.
Ever since I met you,
I've been in a muddle.
I can't explain.
If you'll only tell me
how you feel about me,
I could tell you how.
I just got to know.
You will at our next meeting.
Blimey not another replay.
What's blimey?
It's an expression.
Can't you tell me now, Maria?
At our next meeting, Tommy Hudson.
That's what you'll have
to do until we meet again.
Where, when?
You'll find out, Tommy Hudson.
What happened?
I went to a dance and I fell in love.
No, please.
This morning I am in no condition to.
Did you say in love?
'Course I did.
Why not?
I can't allow it.
She was beautiful and she
was crazy, too, I think,
but she was real beautiful.
You're mad.
Oh, it's impossible.
I warned you.
But you said not to
fall for the princess.
I haven't.
It doesn't matter.
It's a complication.
It could be disastrous.
You've got to stop it.
I've got to find her.
I've got to find her.
Find her?
Don't you know where she is?
I don't even know who she is.
I must be going mad.
Oh that drink.
That skull cracking brandka.
I beg you.
I ask again, what happened?
She was wonderful just like a dream,
but this is like a nightmare.
You'll have to tell the king who I am.
I've made up my mind.
Oh no.
Sorry, Coop.
You'll just have to cancel everything.
Nothing matters but finding this girl.
But you can't do that.
Exposure, shame, ruin.
Think of the Hon. Tony.
I am thinking about him.
I'm thinking about what he did
to be with the girl that
he wanted to be with.
Fair's fair, mate.
Let us be calm.
Let us be quite calm.
Oh now?
Oh yes.
Oh dear.
What's up, Coop?
The princess.
She's better.
She wants to see you.
The game's up then.
I'll tell her.
I bet she's no more interested
in this fixed marriage lark
than the Honourable Tony.
Where do I meet her?
The throne room.
Bow your head.
Don't look at her 'til
she gives you permission.
You're catching on, son, but too late.
Too late.
You may look on us.
Mr. Hudson.
Are you quite mad or do you think I am?
How dare you keep up this
fantastic pretence now?
It's no pretence.
Here let me get me bearings a minute.
I've got my bearings, Mr. Whitecliffe.
Me name's Tommy Hudson.
You're a cheat and
you've been found out.
Cor blooming blimey.
Me name's Tommy Hudson.
You're the dishonourable
Anthony Whitecliffe.
Now get out and...
Be quiet.
Let me go.
You're gonna listen.
I'll call a guard.
Call a regiment.
You're gonna listen.
My name is Tommy Hudson.
I was walking along a quiet country road
minding me own business.
All happening
It's all happening
And I heard 'em say they're
giving it away for free
Oh look, it's all happening
If you don't believe me
Well take a look, a look see
There's a loving in the air
Like the whole wide world don't care
You can feel it stealing
in up on the summer breeze
And if you climb up any tree
Then it's a sure thing to see
That well known mystery
the birds and bees
Then I come over with that fellow Cooper.
It's perfect.
The most wonderful thing
that could have happened.
Let's go tell your dad.
No, not yet.
This is an affair of state.
I'm in a state.
What ya scheming now?
You'll have to stay as
Tony a little while longer.
Five minutes before I leave
for the cathedral to marry you
then I'll tell everybody who you are.
Why the marriage laws will
be laughed out of existence.
Complete victory.
I don't know nothing about
these affairs of state,
but what I do know is
that where I come from
if a fellow wants to marry a girl,
they go to her dad and lay it on the line.
Come on, let's go and do it.
No and that is my royal command.
To disobey is treason.
Here's my seal on it.
We must face the facts, your majesty.
Everyone knows that the
princess is feigning illness
because she wants nothing to
do with an arranged marriage.
It's early days yet.
Your majesty, the only
dignified course of action
is to spare that inoffensive young man
needless embarrassment and
terminate his visit as quickly
and diplomatically as possible.
Gentlemen, I have
one suggestion to make.
This unhappy state of affairs
arises from an archaic law.
I suggest quite simply that
we repeal the royal marriage
and succession act giving the royal family
the elementary right...
Your majesty, this is
a constitutional crisis.
Tamper with the constitution,
you aggravate the crisis.
Can't you somehow
amend the constitution?
Gentlemen, the cabinet meeting is ended
and so I think is the
constitutional crisis.
This is where I used to
play when I was a little girl.
I used to sit here for hours daydreaming
about when I grew up how I'd
pass a law against loneliness.
It would have been a wonderful law.
It's passed for me.
Come and sit down.
If you love me, I'm a prince
Saw you
And I've loved you ever since
Found you
With a crowd around you
Broke the ties that bound you
Stood my ground and
now I've crowned you
My princess
Though there's nothing in a name
Would have sounded pretty tame
If you were poorer
I could be no surer
That you're a princess
May I call you princess
If you say you love me
I'm your prince
I've got to speak to
you alone, Master Tony.
I have to speak to you
alone, your highness.
How you feeling now, Coop?
What's on your mind, mate?
Your highness, I must ask you
what is the meaning of this?
But it's simple.
I'm going to be his trouble and strife.
His what?
Straight up I am.
His trouble and...
It's rhyming slang.
The very smartest thing
in British society.
You are behind the times.
Your highness, you're
destroying our historic plan.
There's no need
to get into a two and eight.
Two and state?
You're catching on China.
Oh, your highness.
Oh, don't take on so Bassy boy.
Everything's going to be all right.
Just you go on up the apples
and take a drop of the
old how's your father
and you'll feel better.
How's my father?
Princess, your highness,
are you all right out here
in the strong sun?
Never felt better,
but I would sort of like
to be on my jack for awhile.
Who is Jack?
Oh, Bastini, if only
you could see yourself.
I can.
I can.
Only too tragically clearly.
I see a man who has devoted his life
to the service of the people
standing on the threshold
of his greatest social reform
when suddenly from a
most unexpected quarter,
he is dealt a body blow.
You owe it to posterity to
deny your heart in this matter.
I owe it to myself to
marry the one I love,
so wish me luck.
I appeal to you, your highness,
to remember our joint plans
to repeal the marriage
and succession law if you persist
in sabotaging them by this romance.
We'll still abolish that old rule.
Don't worry.
It'll be even more of a spectacular
victory than we planned.
Wait and see.
You'll be surprised.
All right.
I place my trust in you.
And I won't let you down, cock.
But the consequences.
Think of the consequences of this romance.
I am thinking.
Tommy, don't you realise
you're an imposter?
Have you noticed the
way her nose wrinkles?
You'll be discovered, deported.
Diplomatic complications.
Stern notes between governments, oh.
Her eyes are like great
big bowls of treacle.
This might mean war.
We'll have our honeymoon in Margate.
You promised me not to fall in love.
Oh no, she's a princess.
Must remember that.
We'll go to Bournemouth.
Tommy, for heaven's sake.
You'll have to pretend
to be ill, paralysed.
No, a sudden attack of insanity.
That's it.
Yes, that's it.
I'll call the palace doctor.
Throw myself entirely at his mercy.
Coop, something bothering you?
Just this.
You simply cannot marry this girl.
Why not?
You know very well why not.
Now come to your senses.
There is no solution for
us except to leave at once.
Oh, but there is.
Listen a minute.
Simply magnificent.
I think it'll do the trick.
Sir, may I shake your hand?
Help yourself.
You may leave the
detailed arrangements to me.
I shall be proud to undertake them
and I shall be with you
at the triumphant end.
Thank you, Cooper.
How's this?
Full dossier required urgently
on Anthony Whitecliffe stop.
Start your investigations
immediately stop.
I do not mean stop but
start stop, Bastini.
I suspected him from the very beginning.
You never mentioned it.
It was I who took the
hint from the princess
and deduced the fantastic but
all too possible explanation
that he is an imposter.
She said nothing of the kind.
She only said that you might...
That I would be surprised.
Well it's Maria the independent
who is likely to be surprised now.
Bastini, supposing he's
not an imposter at all?
That would be unfortunate for him.
An accident?
That's your department.
But whatever happens, this
marriage must not take place.
Look, I still don't like the idea
of us springing it on 'em.
Why don't we tell 'em now?
Oh no, please don't.
But they're going to send
these photos all over the world
and they're not of me.
They are of me, but they're not of me.
Don't you see what I mean?
Don't look so worried.
You'll spoil them all.
Let's tell 'em now.
Darling, I want my triumph complete.
Wait for my sake.
Oh all right then.
Aren't you happy?
After all, we are engaged to be married.
Yeah, I know.
So smile.
Photograph my baby
Will she laugh, she's smiling snow
Photographing her is quite a task
Photograph my baby
Try to capture what she's got
Just a shot
That's not a lot to ask
Here comes the bride to be
Bring out your cameras
Well I want her picture close to me
When I'm feeling amorous
Photograph my baby
Comes the day when
maybe I'll be with her
On that photograph
Photograph my baby
Will he laugh, he's smiling now
Photographing him is quite a task
Photograph my baby
Try to capture what he's got
Just a shot
That's not a lot to ask
Here comes the groom to be
Bring out your cameras
I want his picture close to me
When I'm feeling amorous
Photograph my baby
Comes the day when
maybe I'll be with him
On that photograph
Photograph my baby
Comes the day when
maybe I'll be with her
On that extra special
I'll be glad when this do's over.
You've no idea what a
weight it'll be off me mind
to be able to...
- Sh, sh, sh.
The Duke and Duchess, your parents,
have arrived on the plane.
Oh good.
Would you like to see
the before the party, dear?
Oh no, I don't think so.
We don't want to keep
the mob waiting, do we?
Very well.
Shall we go in?
My friends, it is inevitable
that there should be
a certain air of formality
on this occasion,
but I want to dispose with the formality
as quickly as possible so that the warm
and happy reason for our meeting together
can be celebrated in the
fullest sense of the word.
So I address you now, not as a monarch,
but as a father charged with
one of the happiest duties
that a father can be
called upon to perform.
It is to announce that a beloved daughter
has chosen the man she will marry.
Has found true love and happiness.
Thus it will be my
pleasure to bid you welcome
into our midst our future son in law,
but first as I warned
you one final formality.
Is there anyone among you who knows full
and sufficient reason why
Maria, Princess of Ritalla,
should not herewith become betrothed
to the Honourable Anthony
Whitecliffe heir...
Your majesty, I've
something to tell you first.
Is it this, you fraud?
Your majesty, I have here a dispatch
from our ambassador in London.
Anthony Whitecliffe is already married.
Why didn't the dear boy tell us?
But then who?
This man is at best
an intending bigamist
or at worst a downright imposter.
Oh dear.
Sh, I'll miss my cue.
What are you getting so excited about?
I was just going to tell everybody.
Well he wanted to
right from the beginning.
I stopped him.
Our princess has been bemused
and our nation very nearly
tricked by this common cockney.
I'd rather be any kind of cockney
than your kind of prime minister, mate.
Listen everybody, we want to get married.
There shouldn't be anything to stop us,
but just in case there's
anybody that feels
that there should be something
before a bloke's name.
You tell 'em, Coop.
Your majesties, your
highness, Mr. Prime Minister,
my Lords, ladies and gentlemen.
May I present to you the one and only son
of London's Pearly king
and queen, Prince Tommy.
Here come and meet my mum and dad.
Here meet my mum and dad.
How do you do?
Pleased to meet you.
Welcome to Ritalla.
How do you do?
How do you do?
Ah, Cooper.
Your grace, madam.
May I present Lady Marguerita.
The Duke and Duchess of Whitecliffe.
- How do you do?
- How do you do?
I'm pleased to inform you...
Have you done a deal for the cattle?
I have.
A good one?
Fab, your grace.
Your majesties.
Your royal highness.
My Lords, ladies and gentlemen.
Oh and Mr. Prime Minister.
Thanks a lot
I've had a ball
And I love you one and all
You've been great and
I'll be proud to say
Whatever may befall
Each of you have left a part
Of yourselves inside my heart
And I know somehow if it all ended now
I'd say thanks a lot
Thanks a lot I've had a ball