The Emu War (2023) Movie Script

MyMoviz
(logo chiming)
MyMoviz
(gunfire echoing in the distance)
(melancholy music)
(shells exploding)
(shotguns firing)
- Major, it's for you,
- Major Meredith, Go ahead,
- [Soldier] Major, we
need you to fall back,
Intelligence has reported
that the enemy has set a trap,
Do not attack the enemy position, Major,
(bomb explodes)
(Major Meredith's ears ringing)
(tense, discordant music)
-Are you ready to have some fun?
- [Party-Goers] Yeah!
(upbeat music)
If you're a cockatoo, then I am too
Everybody sing the croc-a-doo
Gonna rock this billy
till it sings for you
Cock-a-doodle, Aussie true blue
- How good is he?
- Do the galah!
Play the guitar,
Shoot for the stars!
Cock-a-doodle was a true blue,
(upbeat music continuing)
(children screaming)
(party-goers screaming in fear)
- No!
(shots firing)
- Our boy was taken, It's all your fault,
(sombre music)
Being the world's best wobble board player
won't bring our dead son back,
- You don't know that!
- I should have married a
man with big muscles, (sobs)
- Now there's a wobble you control!
(gunfire echoing)
(soldier screams in pain)
Margaret! Margaret!
Oh no, Not the suicide shed,
(sombre music)
No, no, (gasping in horror)
- Major, what are the orders?
- Full infantry attack,
- But, sir-
- Full infantry attack!
(soldier blows whistle)
(soldiers shouting)
(shots firing)
(stirring music)
(soldiers screaming in pain)
(soldier yelling continuously)
(tense ringing music)
(soldier gasps)
(soldier breathing heavily)
(emu growling)
(tense music)
(dramatic music)
(gunshot echoing)
(lively string music)
(birds singing)
- Ooh,
I always get so darn nervous
before these speeches, Wendy,
- You'll be great, Prime Minister,
Just read this word for
word and you'll be fine,
- Great,
Now, I was thinking of adding
a little joke near the top
just to kind of get 'em on side, you know?
- Please don't do that,
Just read exactly what's
written on the page,
- Gotcha,
No jokes, Unless I think of a good one,
- We're on,
- (clears throat) Yep,
- And now for a formal announcement
from the Honourable Harold Hall,
Prime Minister of Australia,
(mic feedback screeches)
- (sighs) Good evening,
my fellow Australians,
It is with grave concern
that I formally address you,
the citizens of this great nation,
But first, a good joke,
So when I arrived here
to give this broadcast,
I needed to do a big piss,
And I said to my assistant,
"Can I please go to
the little boys' room?"
She led me into a bathroom and I said,
"No, I meant a room
filled with little boys,
So you can imagine the sort of mischief
I'd be getting up to in there,
So now that we've all had a good laugh,
I have some sombre news to bring you,
Yesterday, after a routine emu cull,
our special forces were by
attacked by some rogue emus,
(emotional music)
And 37,000 young soldiers' lives
were tragically cut short,
It brings me great sadness to say
that the emus have declared war
on the Commonwealth of Australia,
But the spirit of Australia
will not be broken,
The emus will not be victorious,
Emus are,
God,
(urine trickling)
Oh God, I've pissed, I've pissed,
I've pissed my pants,
I'm pissing my pants right now,
- Just stop, Just keep doing the speech,
- [Prime Minister] Stop
talking or keep pissing?
- [Wendy] Stop talking about pissing!
- What do I do? What do I do?
- Back, back, back,
- I, I, okay, Okay,
Emu, emus will not be victorious,
(urine trickling)
Emus are cunning animals,
but they are no match for the Austral-
it's actually still coming out, Wendy,
I mean, what the (censored)
am I meant to do?
Wendy, I'm still pissing,
Can you, can you, can you do something?
Can you pinch it off?
Can you please pinch it off?
- I'm not gonna pinch it off, Harold,
- I need you to pinch off my penis,
- I'm not gonna pinch it off!
You're getting piss all over me!
- Oh my God, it's spraying
out all over your shoes,
- How is it,
how is there so much of it?
- I had a big drink, for God's sake,
I think I can still save the speech,
Let me do one more joke,
- Oh my God,
- [Prime Minister] Uh, so two strapping,
young, handsome boys-
- [Wendy] No, absolutely
not, Absolutely not,
- [Prime Minister] Okay,
Please don't tell my fat wife about this,
(feedback echoing)
- Oh my God,
- [Commander] You've really
done it this time, Major!
- Yeah, I know, I know,
- 37,000 men slaughtered!
All because you ignored a
direct order not to attack,
You are responsible for
one of the worst blunders
in this military's history,
You're lucky you killed World War I Hitler
or I'd have you court-martialed,
- Oh, you think you're so
good? Never made a mistake?
- I guess I can't argue with that,
My apologies,
- Yeah, I should think so,
- All right, well, we need to regroup,
I'll tell you what, I'm
not gonna suspend you,
but I am reassigning you to a new mission,
- What is it?
- I need a team to go
deep into enemy territory,
(tense music)
These emus are smart,
And they've had thousands
of years to plan this war,
I need you to go behind enemy lives,
To seek out and destroy the emus' leader,
the Queen Emu,
(thunder crashing)
(tense music)
(tense percussive music)
- There aren't any side effects to this,
are there, miss?
- No, Shouldn't be,
Now, just hold still,
- How will we know when it kicks in?
(insects buzzing)
And I've been real into
steam engines ever since,
- Yeah?
Well, before I got the
vaccination, I was a white fella,
- Really?
- No, not really, How gullible are you?
- You got some kind of
problem there, mate?
- Yeah, I do have a problem,
A big problem with you,
- And why is that?
- I dunno,
Um, oh, that's right,
Because your great-grandfather
tried to kill my great-grandfather,
- Oh God, That was ages ago,
- It was last week, bruv,
- The past is the past,
- You handed him the gun,
- Oi! Calm down, you two,
While you're going on
with this petty bickering
about whose grandfather killed who,
the emus are eating the farmers' crops,
- Well handled, Major,
- Thank you, Private,
- So, since we're gonna be fighting
and probably dying together,
perhaps we should get to
know each other a little bit,
I'll start,
My name's-
- I'm gonna have to cut
you off there, Private,
I've made a new rule
that I'm not gonna learn the
names of any new recruits
or get close to them in any way,
- Why is that?
- I lost 37,000 men under my
command yesterday, Private,
I learned their full names
and their birth dates,
So I was a bit of a mess,
- But you just met Archie
today and you got to know him,
- Aye, we met, connected,
Had a good chat, Hit it off,
You can't force these things,
Anyway, Private, (scoffs)
It's not like you just joined
the war to get closer to me,
(eerie music)
- Father, you've been
grieving about Graham
for 15 years now,
Don't you think it's time to move on?
(glass shatters)
- Damn it, Mary Sue, He was my only son,
He was gonna grow up and
be a war hero like me,
You're a woman,
(melancholy music)
You wouldn't understand,
- Losing him was hard on both of us,
But we still have each other,
- I wish the emus had taken you instead,
- Please don't say that, Father,
All I wanna do is make you proud,
(glass shatters)
- Well, you're not a man
and you're not a war hero,
It's never gonna happen,
Now go to the shops,
Get me some more whiskey,
- Of course, dad, whatever
you need, Of course,
(sighs)
(sheep bleating)
- Afternoon,
-All right?
- We're looking for an
emu village, You seen it?
- Emu village?
Nah, not around here, mate,
- Oh, not to worry,
Have a wonderful day,
- It's my sheep,
- What?
- This sheep, It's mine,
I didn't steal it,
- Okay,
-All right, You are good,
I was rooting that sheep, yeah, yeah,
- We're gonna go away,
- All that shit I said
about the sheep was a lie,
Promise you won't tell,
I'll let you lot do
whatever you want to me,
No holds barred,
- We'll probably get going,
but have a great afternoon,
- Every day the coppers come to my house
and try to stop me from
rooting my jumbucks,
But I'll show them,
- Cuz, I don't think you
should be rooting sheep, eh?
- They can't stop us
rooting if we're dead,
Come on, sheep,
Suck it, idiots,
- Right, well, let's make camp,
It's getting dark anyway,
- That bloke was rooting that sheep,
- My God, these casualty figures, (sighs)
This war may rest on the shoulders
of four ragtag misfits deep in the bush,
(tense music)
Keep them safe, Aussie Jesus,
(crickets chirping)
(Mary Sue sighs)
- I am sorry you're not allowed
to sit around our fire, Private,
But we got to know you, and-
- Yeah, I know,
You don't wanna get to know me
because you don't wanna
get upset when I die,
You already said that,
- Hey,
Want some sheep?
- Oh, no, thank you, I don't
eat meat or meat products,
- (spits loudly) What?
What are you on about? No meat?
- Or meat products,
- Like milk?
- Yeah,
- Well, what about cheese?
- No cheese,
- Well, what if you got bitten by a snake
and you needed an anti-venom
and you only anti-venom
available was from another snake
and if you didn't have it, you'd die?
- I guess I would use
the anti-venom to live,
- Gotcha, fuckhead!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Calm down,
All right? We're all in this together,
The real enemy's out there, Yeah?
Any of us could die tomorrow,
You know, in my old platoon,
we did this thing where
we took our valuable items
and we put it in a satchel,
And the last one left alive
gets to keep everything,
I'll start, I've got my
lucky solid gold watch,
It's worth a lot of money,
- This is a photo of my
absolute favourite steam engine,
- Well, I, I don't think
you're really getting it,
You know, like I've put
in a solid gold watch,
That's worth something,
That's just a photo,
What, what have you got?
- This is my most valuable possession,
-Again, it's just another photo,
Like, I've put in basically money,
- But a steam engine is
more valuable than a watch,
- You didn't put a steam
engine in the satchel, did you?
You put a photo,
- This is my most valuable possession,
- Please tell me it's worth money,
- My dead son's foreskin,
- Oh, okay,
- Most precious thing in the world,
- What am I supposed to do with that?
- Look at it,
Think about my dead son,
- You know what? I hope I die first,
I can't believe I've gotta
put up with this fucker,
(gentle music)
(birds chirping)
- Hmm,
Oh, wow,
Wow,
What a beautiful picture you've drawn
on your very first birthday today,
We may be simple emu villagers,
but our lives are good,
Let's go live our lives, Come on,
(gentle music continues)
(tense music)
- I'll always love you
and I'll never betray you,
- The good thing about our relationship
is the loyalty that we have,
- [Man] We have bad news, Private,
Your wife's been identified
as a spy working for the emus,
She married you to gain
access to our intel,
- You're wrong, You're so wrong,
(woman crying out in pain)
(dramatic music)
(baby crying)
- No!
(dramatic music)
(emu baby chirping)
(tense, discordant music)
(flames roaring)
(emus shrieking)
I've seen war,
I see war,
I've seen men die,
I've seen birds die,
An evil lurks in these lands,
Does good and bad exist in this hell?
And which side are we on?
- I'm scared, mama, I don't wanna die,
- Don't worry, my child,
It'll all be over soon,
- Are we to become monsters
in order to defeat a monster?
How deep into this
darkness must we venture?
And what horrors are lurking there for us?
(emu huts crashing down)
(dramatic music)
(mysterious music)
(water dripping)
- My queen, a letter has
arrived from our new allies,
- Very good, my little helper,
- Will they be sending their
army soon, Your Majesty?
- Hmm,
They've arranged for a surprise
guest to join the battle,
Apparently, he is already here,
- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes,
- Come to mama,
Oh!
(dramatic music)
(man chuckling)
Oh, that's right, My boy, my good boy,
Oh, oh, yes,
- What are you guys
gonna do after the war?
- I wanna be the first person
to drill a hole straight
through Ayers Rock,
I've got a feeling
there's gold inside there,
- It's Uluru,
And if you drill through
that, I'll drill through you,
- Do you have a daughter, Major?
- Yeah, I do,
But just between you and I,
I wish the emus had
killed her and not my son,
- Well, I'm sure she loves you,
Maybe you'd love her too
if you got to know her,
- Nah, no point,
Right,
Suspected enemy activity ahead,
Men, prepare yourselves,
(tense music)
- Oh my God, Don't shoot!
- Yeah, don't shoot,
- Bloody hell,
It's famous conjoined twin
explorers Burke and Wills,
- That's us!
- That's us!
- I love you blokes,
You're my absolute favourite,
- We can explore anything,
We never get lost,
- Oh, well then how come your hand
got lost down my pants last night
and jacked off my dick?
- Wills!
(both laughing)
(Burke's head explodes)
(Will shrieks)
- Sniper! Take cover, now!
(intense music)
- [Narrator] The Black
Prince of Spaghetti Street
was the most decorated
sniper in the Italian army
during World War I,
He was called the Black
Prince of Spaghetti Street
because legend has it the
street where he grew up
had restaurants that sold spaghetti,
He was brought to Australia by Mussolini
to help defeat the Australian army,
(dramatic music)
- Shit, did he just say Spaghetti street?
No one's ever beaten
him in a sniper battle,
Someone was able to do that,
they'd have my respect forever,
(Mary Sue sighs)
(dramatic music)
(shot firing)
(gentle music)
- Did you, did you see that, Major?
- What? No, no, actually
I wasn't watching,
(crickets chirping)
According to the mercury levels,
it's gonna be a real cold one tonight,
So we're all gonna have
to kiss for warmth,
So you two, into the tent and get to it,
- What? No way,
- But, Major!
- You two are gonna kiss for warmth,
And that's an order!
- I hate being in the Australian army,
- Rookie, you had a good day today,
So you're gonna bunk in with me,
- Okay, Major,
- Is this warming you up?
-A little, I guess,
(romantic music)
- You know, you remind me
quite a lot of my son, Private,
- W-would you mind if I called you dad?
- Yeah, I'd quite like that, Private,
- I'd like that too,
Dad,
(romantic music continuing)
(birds chirping)
Oi!
(energetic rock music)
- Hey! That's my gun!
(Jackie screaming)
(shots firing)
(energetic rock music continuing)
(sinister music)
- I'm gonna take my
time with you, fuckhead,
- Dad?
- Son?
(melancholy music)
Okay, mate,
Now you be good, and I'll
see you next weekend, okay?
- Dad, can I come stay with you?
I hate staying with mom and Darryl,
- Not now, son, but I
promise I'm working on it,
- We'll take it from here, Jackie,
- Oh, fuck off, Darryl,
- What was that?
- Nothing,
- Sorry, daddy, I've chosen my side,
(tense music)
- What? Wait,
No, no,
No!
(dramatic choral music)
(gun cocking)
(dramatic music)
(crowd laughing)
- I went on a date with
Captain Cook the other day,
More like me cook him dinner
while he roots me with his tiny dick!
(crowd laughing)
Well, look who it is,
Ladies and gentlemen,
we do have a very
special guest in tonight,
the prime Minister himself,
Mr, Harold Hall,
I thought I smelled piss,
(crowd laughing)
Hey, here's my impression of Mr, Hall,
"Ooh, Ooh, I'm the Prime Minister,
I hope I don't piss myself again,"
(crowd laughing)
"Yum, yum, yum,
My tiny, bad dick is
pissing right in my gob,"
Dirty little piss boy,
Dirty little piss boy,
Dirty little piss boy,
Fuck you, Fuck you,
Yeah,
- Okay, none of that,
- [Comedian] What is this?
Oh, I was joking!
- Come on,
(prison gates slam shut)
(inmates yelling)
- [Prison Guard] Come on, get in there,
- You know, you really are
the most gifted
impressionist I've ever seen,
- You could have just come up
for an autograph after the show, love,
- One question,
How did you know I said that?
- Said what?
- In your act, you said,
"Yum, yum, my small bad dick
is pissing into my own gob,"
I've only ever said that in private,
How did you know I said that?
(mysterious music)
Nevertheless, it's a shame to
see such talent go to waste,
what with your execution for
treason set for the morning,
- What? You can't,
- I'm Harold Hall, baby, I can
do whatever I damn well want,
- What do you want from me?
(Prime Minister spits)
- Yesterday we received word
that a platoon are behind enemy lines,
missing, presumed dead,
We need a mole to go undercover
and exploit the Queen Emu's only weakness,
her horniness,
Up until now, I had no idea
how we were gonna do it,
But sweetheart,
if you are half as good
at impersonating emus
as you are at me pissing myself,
you could be just what this country needs,
- An emu impression is the
hardest impression in the world,
It's impossible to pull
off, No one is that good,
- Well, then, it looks like
you have a choice to make,
doesn't it, sweetheart?
You either rise to the challenge
or you fall to the hangman,
(tense music)
- Fine, I'll do it,
But it's a suicide mission,
- You start basic training at 0800,
Guards,
Good, She'll get us in the door,
But now we need to find
the sexiest and horniest
human in this country
to fuck the Queen Emu,
- No, no, (sobbing)
- I'm sorry, ma'am,
- No, not my Joey! No!
- Your husband wanted me to give you this,
- No, No!
(melancholy music)
- [Joey] Dear wife, I love
you, babe, But I'm dead,
The best thing to do is move
on and root my mate, Alan,
- I'm Alan from the note,
- My Joey wrote this?
- Yeah,
- I mean, I really don't want to,
but if it's what my Joey wanted,
- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
He wanted, he told me about 50 times
during the war or whatever,
and he wanted me to come in and do this,
- The bedroom's this way, (sniffles)
-All right, Come on, Alan,
- Oh no,
- We've told you about this,
- Come on, please,
I'm horny, (sobbing) I'm horny,
I'm horny, I'm horny,
I'm horny,
Please, please, I need this,
- Is he dead?
- I need this, I need it,
I'm horny,
If this is about joining the war,
I've already told you I don't want to,
- Prime Minister wants to talk to you,
(dramatic music)
- You'll all be undercover,
Our scientists have been
studying emus and Italians
24/7 since this war broke out,
We're also utilising the
latest in disguise technology,
These disguises we have for you
will make you completely
indistinguishable from the enemy,
Your mission is to
infiltrate the emu base,
find the Queen Emu so
you can assassinate her,
If you get caught, I'm
afraid they will torture you,
That is why our medic
has fitted each of you
with a cyanide tooth capsule
in your back left molar,
(cyanide capsule breaks)
(gas hissing)
God damn it,
Please do not fiddle
with the cyanide tooth,
They're very temperamental,
Let me tell you about the lair,
The lair has an entrance,
(cyanide capsule shatters)
(gas hissing)
What did I just say?
Please do not fiddle
with the cyanide tooth,
This here is called a lithosphere,
(cyanide capsules shattering)
(gas hissing)
Fuck! Fuck me!
This fucking sucks!
- Mine's not working,
(tense music)
- We are so dead,
- Halt, who goes there?
- (clears throat) Just a, a regular emu,
And this is my Italian friend,
We have some information
regarding the enemy,
- How do we know you
are who you say you are?
- Squawk,
- Correct password, Welcome back, soldier,
- Oh, actually, before you come in,
we just need to run a quick Italian test
to make sure that you are the real deal,
- No worries,
- So, us Italians, what do we like to eat?
Do we like Nonna's spaghetti
or like, sticks and rocks and,
and things on the ground?
(tense music)
(sweat dripping)
Do you need more time?
- No,
No,
It's just that, that question is too easy
for an advanced Italian like myself,
- Ah, I, well, I love that Italian spirit,
Okay, I'll, I'll ask you another one,
Us Italians, what do we like
to drink in the nighttime?
Do we like drinking Italian wine
or, um,
dog shit that's been sitting in the sun?
(tense music)
(sweat dripping)
- Now listen up,
because this next piece of
intel could save your life,
Italians love to drink porno,
porno, porno, porno, porno,
porno, porno, porno, porno,
- I'm too horny to listen,
- Porn, porno, porno, porno,
(triumphant music)
- I got it,
The answer is-
(gunshot)
(groans)
Oh,
Should have said wine,
(dramatic music)
(intense music)
- Don't die on me now, bruv,
Come on,
Don't die on me, mate,
Come back to me,
Yeah?
(breathing heavily)
Yeah!
- You saved me,
- Course I did, bruv,
- If that had happened to you,
I probably would've just kicked
your body into the creek,
- Good thing you were closer
to the explosion, then, bruv,
- You're all right, mate,
(emotional music)
(sinister music)
- Your Highness,
we have an emu here
with intel on the humans,
- Well, look what we have here,
Such a fine specimen,
What information do you have, my dear?
- The, the Prime Minister sent an agent
in disguise as an Italian man
to assassinate you, Your Majesty,
I brought him in and,
and I, I gave him to the Italian guards,
- What if she's a spy
for the humans, mummy?
-Are you really, are you really gonna
listen to this little pussy?
"Oh, mum, I'm a little,
I'm a little pussy,"
(Emu Queen laughing)
- He is a little pussy, (chuckles) He is,
- You are hilarious,
You'll perform comedy tomorrow
at the USO show for troops,
- Oh, thanks, But I should
probably sit this one out,
- I must insist,
All we have at the
moment are the executions
and the performance by this little pussy,
(emus laughing)
It's settled,
You'll be performing,
In the meantime,
you can help Emu Boy
with an interrogation,
(sinister music)
- Come with me,
(eerie music)
Pick this one up last night,
Haven't cracked him yet,
- (gasping) Ned Kelly?
- We're gonna figure out
to put cameras in toilets,
You know the, the cameras that we have,
the tripods and the hood and the flash,
We're gonna shrink that down,
You know, it's, you know
how fucking hard it is
to fit one of those in the toilets?
And if we can't do that,
make the toilet glass,
(crowd applauding)
It's not that hard, Dr, Scientist,
We can make the toilet glass
and then the floor glass
so we can sit in the chair underneath,
Make it happen,
(uplifting music)
(crowd applauding)
- Thank you, Mr, Kelly,
- Nice legs,
Who do I make it out to?
- Gertrude,
I'm your biggest fan, Mr, Kelly,
Yeah, I just started doing
standup comedy myself,
- Good for you, kid,
Never stop fighting the system,
(gentle music)
- You know the drill,
He doesn't answer a question
and you blast him full of electrodes,
(tense music)
Now, where do you humans keep your grain?
- I never tell you filthy emus nothing,
(Emu Boy chuckles)
(electricity crackling)
(Ned grunts in pain)
Is that all you got? (panting)
You have to kill me,
- That can be arranged,
(sinister music)
Just pop this in here,
(shot firing)
(blood spurting)
(Emu Boy laughing)
(sombre music)
- Dog shit isn't even a drink,
- Are you all right, my boy?
- Yeah, but I got caught
trying to be a spy,
How long have you been here for?
- Not long,
Apparently the emus are
gonna execute us tomorrow
at their USO show to entertain the troops,
-Ah, that sucks,
I got sent to kill an emu or something
'cause I'm Australia's
sexiest and horniest man,
- Emus surrounded my
church, brought me here,
But maybe it's for a reason,
To save your souls,
Is there anything any
of you wish to confess?
- Yes,
(gentle music)
I don't wanna die without the
truth about me being known,
The truth is, Major, I'm actually your-
- Did you say you're Australia's
sexiest and horniest man?
- Yeah, Why?
- There might be hope for us yet,
(stirring music)
Private, do you remember
how much heat we generated
the other day we had a
bit of a kiss in the tent?
- Yeah?
- Well, imagine how much
heat we can generate
if the two of us, the priest,
and Australia's sexiest and horniest man
went absolutely bonkers at each other,
(inspiring music)
- Oh no,
If I have sex with Dad,
this priest and Australia's
sexiest and horniest man,
they'll uncover my secret,
I have to think of a really good excuse,
(tense music)
Oh, I can't,
My dick exploded when I was a baby,
And rats attacked it,
It's more scabs than dick at this point,
It's also quite infected, (sighs)
My mouth and hands are
too dirty to use as well,
You know diseases,
- Oh, gross,
Ugh,
Never mind, You sit this one out, soldier,
The rest of us, we're gonna
have to work twice as hard,
- This is completely against my religion,
But as long as none of
you tell God, I'm in,
(stirring music continuing)
- You idiots wanna generate some heat?
- I'm Australia's horniest man,
I'll burn a hole in this place
hotter than the goddamn sun,
Now show me them butts,
- Mate, I could really
go for a feed right now,
- Yeah, we should get
some bush tucker, bruv,
- Archie, I wanna tell you a secret,
I don't tell many people this,
but I actually love to eat food,
So if you're talking about
getting some food, I'm so keen,
- I am, bruv,
My mum's from around this way,
There's food everywhere
if you know where to look,
(upbeat rock music)
(droning didgeridoo music)
Two big boys
We're the best of friends
With two big boys
Friendship never ends
We're two big boys
We're the best of friends
Two big boys
Our friendship never ends
Yeah, two big boys
- You're a natural at finding
this bush tucker, Archie,
This tastes so good,
- Thanks, Brian,
You're good at eating it too,
- Thank you,
Not many people notice that,
(emotional music)
Archie, I'm sorry about what happened
between my great-grandfather
and your great-grandfather,
You're a good soldier
and you're a good man,
- I appreciate that, bruv,
- Friends?
- Friends,
(emotional music continuing)
(Alan, priest and Major groaning)
(flames crackling)
(groaning continuing)
- I think it's working,
Keep going,
(triumphant music)
(groaning continuing)
(triumphant music continuing)
- We did it! You did it!
- Yeah!
- Let's get the hell outta here,
- Come on, Alan,
- I'll be done on a sec,
I'll catch up with you later,
- You two go on, I'll wait with him,
(gun cocking)
(tense music)
(crowd cheering)
- Woo! Welcome to the 1932 Emu USO show,
Can I get a "Death to all humans"?
- [Emus] Death to all humans,
- Bloody hell, They really
hate us, don't they?
What do we ever do to them?
- Now it's time
for something you're all gonna enjoy,
The erotic emu, Miss December!
(chuckles)
(crowd cheering)
Miss June,
And the erotic emu of
the year is (grunting)
Miss (speaking gibberish),
- Miss December is the sexiest,
But Miss August is the hottest,
(upbeat pop music)
- Wow,
Now, we got a real treat
for you guys tonight,
The execution of a
human spy, Take it away,
(emus cheering)
(tense music)
(gun firing)
(mysterious music)
(upbeat pop music)
(stirring choral music)
- Come, Alan, my son,
The kingdom of heaven awaits you,
- This is my heaven,
(upbeat pop music resuming)
- Seeing something like that
makes me wonder what the
point of any of this is,
- You know, I had a
threesome with that guy
and a priest yesterday,
- Major!
- Private!
- We thought you were dead,
- Not so lucky, soldier,
You two seem to have patched things up?
- We're best friends,
- I thought we were shaping
up to be best friends,
- What we've got is deeper than that,
We're, we're like family,
It's like a loving
father-daughter type dynamic,
- Yeah,
Always wanted a relationship like that,
- You're the loving father,
- Yeah,
- And I'm the daughter,
- Yeah, Yeah,
It's a lot less yammering,
- (chuckling) Yeah,
- Yeah, women, they're
always mucking around
and getting into mischief
and you know, that sort of thing there,
(crowd cheering)
- Now it's time for one
of our very own emus
to do standup comedy,
(crowd cheering)
All right, you're up,
But don't do any of that fucking
"Emu Boy's a little pussy" stuff, okay?
- Yeah, I won't, I promise,
- Good,
- Give it up for Emu Boy,
What a little pussy,
(crowd laughing)
He fucking sucks,
- That's not even funny,
That's not even a joke,
Let's not,,,
- She's a star,
(crowd cheering)
(stirring music)
- I'm proud of you, Gertrude,
- After the show, have her
brought to my private chambers,
- That was bad,
I think we can all agree
that that was not funny,
But now it's time for
something that is good,
I'm gonna sing a song,
Come on,
(crowd booing)
- Oh, no,
He does this same song
every year, It sucks,
It sucked the first year,
It's gonna suck this year,
- If you're a cockatoo, then I am too,
Everybody sing,
There's a crocadoo,
Gonna rub this belly
till it sings for you!
Cock-a-doodle, Aussie true blue,
- Boo,
You are not good,
(crowd booing)
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music intensifying)
- Oh my God, this song fucking sucks,
And Emu Boy's Graham,
- Cock-a-doodle, Aussie true blue!
- Boo! You suck,
(crowd booing)
- Ooh, that was the longest
piss in the history of warfare,
What have I missed?
- Major, I have to tell you something,
- Yes, Private?
- Well, to tell you,
I first have to tell you
something about myself,
- No, I said no sharing
of personal information
under any circumstance,
- But,,,
(scoffs)
(dramatic music)
It's me, Mary Sue,
Mary Sue, your daughter?
- Daughter?
Tsk,,, daughter?
(dramatic music)
Daughter,,,
- Did I earn your respect?
(Major Meredith choking)
Dad?
- He's not okay,
- Dad!
(sensual music)
- There you are, my dear, Leave us,
Welcome, my dear,
- Thank you, Your Highness,
- Your comedy routine was excellent,
and your emu impersonation
skills are even better,
- What do you mean?
- That outfit doesn't fool
me for a second, my dear,
You can take off that ridiculous costume,
(tense music)
Don't look so scared, I know your plan,
You came here to try and seduce me,
Let's make a deal,
If you can pleasure my royal cloaca,
I'll let you live,
(tense percussive music)
Oh, crap, Yes!
Oh, crap,
Oh, crap, Oh, crap,
(Emu Queen moaning in pleasure)
Oh, crap, Oh, crap!
(groans in pain)
(gas hissing)
A cyanide tooth!
You've killed us both!
(groans)
- Beautiful night for a swim,
Harold, you really are the prime minister,
(sinister music)
(horn honking)
- Mummy? Mummy!
Mum,
Mama, no,
I'll get them, mama,
Tomorrow, every human on
that battlefield will die,
(dramatic music)
(screaming)
(dramatic music continuing)
(melancholy music)
- This is suicide,
(dynamic rock music)
(female fighter grunts)
Viper and the Black Python
Secret Action Squad,
- You didn't think we'd let you
start this party without us,
did you?
- You son of a bitch,
- It's good to see you, old friend,
(intense rock music)
- Right,
Soldiers, we may not have the weapons
or the manpower to defeat these enemies,
but you know what we do have?
Aussie spirit,
You tell me another country
where mates can have a
beer and a laugh as mates,
You can't, can you?
- He's right about that,
- But here's a question
you need to ask your mate,
Are we gonna let these emus control us?
Are we gonna let 'em steal our grain? No!
We're gonna fight back, We're
gonna take our country back,
And you know how we're gonna do it?
With a bit of Aussie ripper spirit,
- [Soldiers] Yeah!
- Come on!
- Yeah!
- Oh shit, Look,
- Yeah!
- Humans, I have your prime minister,
Surrender now or he dies,
- Oh God, Surrender, please,
Surrender, please,
Please, guys, surrender,
He's gonna kill me, He's gonna kill me,
- Is there anything we can do to help him?
-Afraid not, We can't
negotiate with the enemy,
- Please surrender! Surrender!
I'm gonna die! I'm gonna die,
And I'm just a little boy,
I'm just a little boy, I'm a baby boy,
Please don't kill a baby boy,
You wanna kill a baby boy?
Don't kill a baby boy,
You'll be a baby boy killer,
Please don't, Don't,
No, Oh God!
I'm gonna piss, I'm pissing,
Oh God, I'm pissing,
I'm pissing, shitting and
cumming myself to death!
(farting loudly)
(screams)
(stirring music)
- For the Queen!
(emus squawking)
- Charge!
- [Soldiers] Charge!
(dramatic music)
(soldiers yelling)
- How do you like your emus, Tank?
Medium, rare,,,
(soldiers yelling)
Or well done?
(dynamic rock music)
(bombs exploding)
(emus screeching)
(guns firing)
- Use your Asperger's, bruv!
- Oh yeah, (humming)
I'm all outta juice, Use your culture,
(dynamic rock music continuing)
(emus screeching)
- Yeah, Whoa!
Yeah! Woo!
I love you, mate, Best friends forever,
- Love you too, bruv,
(heart crackling)
(emus exploding)
(intense rock music)
(scope beeping)
(gunshot firing)
(melancholy music)
- You're a very lucky man, Major,
You suffered a near fatal case
of father-daughter betrayal,
causing you to have a heart
attack and cry tears of blood,
- I'm sorry, dad, I
didn't mean to lie to you,
- You've done enough, Leave me be,
- Please,
I have something really
important I need to tell you,
It's actually about Graham,
- No more major surprises, Major,
Especially ones involving your children,
One more shock to the system
would almost certainly be fatal,
- Well, that's not gonna be an issue,
My son died as a boy and my
daughter's dead to me now,
- I wish you had room in your heart
for something other than
your hatred of emus,
(gunshot firing)
- How many emus is that
you've killed today, Viper?
-About 350, Major,
- About the same number
of Nazis you killed
that day we won Gallipoli, isn't it?
- Sure is,
And the same number of women
who gave me a blowy that night,
- (laughing) Mate, you crack me up,
You're my oldest and dearest friend
and the greatest war hero
Australia's ever known,
- Well, like I always say, Major,,,
(dramatic music)
- Major Meredith,
- Emu Boy,
(tense music)
(scope beeping)
- Oh my god, Dad and Emu Boy,
I've gotta do something,
(intense music)
- What is wrong with you?
You're a traitor to your species,
- Humans are scum, Emus
take care of their young,
Unlike humans that abandon their children,
- Abandon their children?
The emus stole my son when he was eight,
- My parents abandoned
me when I was eight,
And the emus took care of me,
- Graham?
- Daddle-doodle?
Oh,
(Major yells in a distorted voice)
(gun firing)
(rifle firing)
(intense choral music)
(Major Meredith sobbing)
- Eh, bet you didn't think
the Australian army could
afford a helicopter,
(shrieks)
(helicopter exploding)
(soldiers groaning in pain)
(sombre music)
(Archie and Jackie yelling)
- If you're a cockatoo, then I am too,
Everybody sing Aussie croc-a-doo,
We're gonna rock this billy
till it sings for you,
Rock-a-doodle, Aussie true blue,
(emotional music)
(emotional music continuing)
(solemn ending theme music)
(upbeat rock music)
Two big boys
We're the best of friends
With two big boys
Our friendship never ends
We're two big boys
And the best of friends
Two big boys
Our friendship never ends
Yeah, two big boys