The Estate (2022) Movie Script

1
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GIRL: Matches. Pretty matches.
[]
They say money
is the root of all evil
Well, I guess
I'm just an evil guy
Love and promises
can't pay my bills
I declare that
the green stuff will
Don't you know
I want some money, baby
Yeah, yeah, money, yeah
There's only one thing better
than the money I know
And that's more, more, more
Take all that stuff
about the birds and bees
Holding hands
under the moonlit trees
Take that monkey business
and throw it in the sea
And bring Washington
and Lincoln to me
Don't you know
I want some money baby
Yeah, yeah, money, yeah
There's only one thing better
than the money I know
And that's more, more, more
Alright, now baby
Yeah, yeah, money
All right
I want some money, yeah
There's only one thing better
than the money I know
And that's more, more, more
Mmm
People say money
will drive you insane
I don't feel crazy when
it's lingering in my hand
I don't believe
in trying to take...
-Hi!
-Where the hell were you?
Oh, I'm so sorry, Macey.
-Did I miss the meeting?
-Yes, of course you missed it.
You're an hour late.
Where were you?
I don't know.
I was just fucking around
at home, watching shit.
I lost track.
I'm really sorry.
So, what did
the bank manager say?
Well, he said they're not
gonna give us a new loan,
and unless we come up
with the repayments,
they're gonna
shut down the cafe.
What? Did you try
to convince them?
Did you beg?
Yes, I begged.
He wasn't interested.
Well, did you
show him your tits?
What? No, I didn't
show him my tits.
[GROANS] These people!
You know what?
You stay right here.
-What are you gonna do?
-Just stay there!
[SIGHS] Oh, my God.
[DEEP EXHALE]
[COMMOTION IN BANK]
All right, Macey.
All right, walk fast.
-What did you do?
-Walk fast.
I took his mug of coffee
and I threw it in his face.
-Oh, my God! Whose?
-What do you mean whose?
The bank manager's.
-MACEY: But that's not our bank.
-What?
Then why the fuck were you
standing outside that bank?
I was waiting to meet you.
I didn't know you were gonna
throw coffee in someone's face!
We should probably move
faster because I also
-kicked him in the balls.
-What?!
[CHATTERING]
-SAVANNA: Don't look back.
They're coming.
-We're gonna get arrested!
[]
[CAR SPUTTERING]
SAVANNA: So, how are things
going with Geoff?
Uh, great, actually.
Yeah, I mean, I really feel
like I've finally met
someone special, you know?
I know we haven't
been together very long,
but, yeah,
we're so connected.
-That's amazing.
-[LAUGHS]
I mean, even if he is
fucking boring, who cares?
You like him,
and that's what matters.
Geoff's not boring.
No, he's a good guy
with moral values and
emotional sensitivity.
Yeah, that's what I mean.
Fuckin' boring.
-[SIGHS]
-[KNOCKING]
SAVANNA: Oh, wow!
Hey, sis.
Wow, what the fuck
is this supposed to be?
Iggwilv from Dungeons and
Dragons, obviously.
You do know you're
an adult now, don't you?
Well when are you
gonna join me for a game?
How about next to
never in a million years?
-Be careful.
-I will join you in a game.
-Okay, but don't touch my--
-Oh, sorry.
Just go. No--!
Don't--!
-MACEY: Hey, Mom!
-Oh, hey.
-Hi.
-Mwah!
Good to see that Ellen's still
making the most of her life.
Mwah. Well, be nice to her.
She's your sister.
-Half-sister.
-You know, you should just try
to spend a little time with her.
-She would love that.
-Maybe if she was
a little less of a freak.
Oh, God, Mom.
Seriously, our cousins?
Don't you lose your appetite
every time you open the fridge?
You used to like your cousins.
Beatrice was Macey's
best friend,
-and Richard-- [GASPS]
He loved you.
-[GROANS] Yeah.
In a weird, creepy, totally
inappropriate way for cousins.
Anyway, what's up?
You said you had news.
Oh, I had news...
Oh, yes, Aunt Hilda's dying.
-What's wrong with her?
-She has cancer.
-[SCOFFS] Where?
-Everywhere.
Lung, liver, colorectal.
-Which one's that, the asshole?
-Don't talk with
your mouth full.
So, anyway, I just thought
that I should tell you girls
so that you could send a card
or, I don't know, whatever.
Saying what?
"Sorry you're dying?"
Honestly, I don't know,
and I don't really care.
Mom, she's your sister.
Well, I know, but you know
what a cunt she is.
-So, who wants tea?
-Yes, please.
Listen, are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
Uh, I highly doubt it.
Why, what are you thinking?
That we need
to go see Aunt Hilda.
What for? Give her
some flowers or something?
Yeah, take her some flowers,
and get our hands
on that inheritance money.
Are you crazy?
Aunt Hilda is never gonna
write us into her will.
-She doesn't even like us.
-She doesn't like anybody.
She really doesn't
like us though.
She hates Mom,
and we're all connected, so--
Yeah, but maybe if we go
see her and cozy up to her--
You know, be nice to her
or whatever.
Savanna, I'm never
gonna do that.
Oh, come on.
It is such a good opportunity.
I mean, who else is she
gonna leave her money to?
She never had kids.
She doesn't talk
to her own sisters.
Our cousins live
in different states.
She doesn't even
like animals!
I don't wanna be
a will hunter, Savanna, it's--
But we'd be good will hunters!
-'Cause it's for a good cause.
-What? What cause?
Us! Jesus, Macey, keep up.
I mean, how else
are we gonna get money?
In case you haven't noticed,
our business is going
down the tubes
and our lives
are falling apart.
-I'm going to see Geoff.
-[SIGHS]
Will you at least
think about it?
Macey! Think about it!
Will you think about it, please?
-Come on, Macey!
-[CAR SPUTTERING]
At least think about it.
Macey, will you think about it?
Macey, think about it!
Macey, please think about it!
At least think about it! Macey!
-[HONK HONKS]
-Oh!
[CHATTERING]
[BOTH LAUGHING]
-MACEY: Hi!
-Hey!
What are you doing here?
Well, I--I was in the area.
Thought I'd drop by
and bring you a sandwich.
That's so sweet of you.
Oh! And it's beef and tomato!
Yay!
Yeah, you said
you liked it, so...
[SIGHS] I love it...
a lot.
What's wrong?
They're moving me to Alaska.
What?
They're making me
go for this project,
and my boss said if I don't go
then I'll lose my job.
Oh, my God, uh,
how long do you have to go for?
A year!
Oh, Jesus.
I mean, um...
can you not go and
get another job or--?
I wish I could, but I gotta
pay for Janey's college.
-Yeah, right.
-And I got the alimony payments.
Yeah.
I just don't have a choice.
[SOBS] I don't want
to go to Alaska.
-It's freezing there.
-I know.
There's nothing to do there.
Honey, come here. Come here.
-I don't even have a warm coat.
-We'll work it out.
I have to go shopping.
I hate shopping.
[]
If you really wanna know
If I can stand
that random love
Try me
Why don't you try me?
If you wanna know
If I'm affected
by the moon above
Then try me
Come on and try me
Don't you know
my heart bleeds
-MACEY: Hey, Joe.
-JOE: Hey.
-Where's Savanna?
-WOMAN: Oh, she's upstairs.
From your touch
Baby don't you know my soul
MACEY: Hey.
Remember what this place
used to be?
You know, open until four a.m.
Place was pumping with people.
Dad loved it so much he wanted
to be buried in the cemetery
across the street.
But, I don't know.
Now, I guess,
the bank'll tear it down
and put a strip mall here.
So, Dad'll be buried
next to strip mall.
Okay.
Okay what?
Okay, let's--let's
go and see Aunt Hilda.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh, yes! Thank you!
-Oh, God, I'm sorry! I'm sorry.
-No, it's okay.
I'm sorry. Let's go get fucking
rich from that dying old bitch!
[]
Listen rent is overdue
My gas and light are too
They can
disconnect my phone
Raise the interest
on my loan
But when I get my check
I just ain't
gonna give a heck
I'm gonna be
a party-popping show-stopping
Wig-dropping witch
for a night
MACEY: Oh, my God. I don't
remember it being so big.
Yeah, it's huge.
-All right, we can do this.
-Can we?
Oh, yeah. Yep, yep.
Hi! Hi, sir.
We're, um--
I am not coming back!
Do you hear me?!
You can get yourself someone
else to treat like shit.
HILDA: Go fuck yourself!
You're useless anyway!
-You fuck yourself!
-SAVANNA: Oh--
[]
[CLOSES DOOR]
I don't know about this.
Oh, shut up,
it's gonna be great.
What are we gonna say?
HILDA: Who is it?
It's Macey and Savanna,
Aunt Hilda.
-HILDA: Who?
-Macey and Savanna, your nieces.
HILDA: Oh, yuck.
What the hell
do you two want?
Uh, we came to visit you.
We heard you weren't well.
No, I'm not well.
I'm fucking dying.
Right. Exactly.
So we thought we would come
and cheer you up.
And you think the sight
of you two is gonna cheer me up.
You can help
with the bag at least.
Oh, sure. Yes.
That's what we're here for,
to help, Aunt Hilda.
-This bag?
-No, not that bag.
My colostomy bag.
It's about ready to burst
all over the place.
Well, Macey's really good
with that stuff,
aren't you Macey?
Um...
let me just...
Oh, I see.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Yeah, can you believe this?
Of all the people
I would've liked to see die,
and it turns out to be me.
Well, eventually,
it comes for us all, you know?
In the end, you just
end up rotting in the earth,
getting eaten by
maggots and worms.
But maybe there is
a heaven and hell.
Not that you
would be going to hell.
No way. You'd be going
straight to heaven, I bet.
You know, with all the angels
and fairies and shit--
Could you shut up?
By the way,
we--we brought you some flowers.
-Right, Savanna?
-SAVANNA: Yes. Yes, we did.
HILDA: Hey, why don't you
put those over there
with the others.
Ah.
Oh! Wow!
Where did these come from?
Your cousin, Beatrice,
brought them.
Oh. Cousin Beatrice.
She sent them
from New York, huh?
No, she brought them.
-What do you mean?
-She arrived yesterday.
Cousin Beatrice is here,
like actually in the house?
Are you dim?
Yes, she's in the house.
She's in the kitchen.
She's making soup.
BEATRICE: Aunt Hilda,
the soup is nearly...
Oh! Savanna and Macey!
It's so good to see you guys.
God. Oh, honey,
look at your skin.
God, that last divorce really
took it out of you, huh?
Oh...
[UNCOMFORTABLE LAUGH]
I came as soon as I heard
the awful, awful news.
I just thought if there
was any way-- Excuse me.
--that I could be of help
to Aunt Hilda.
-HILDA: Oh.
-Oh, how is that pressure?
Hmm, is it good?
Yes, it is actually.
I'm gonna give you
a proper foot rub
right after lunch.
Okay. Let me go get that soup.
We'll give you a hand.
That's okay.
I got it.
-Macey, come on. Soup!
-[GAGGING] Sorry.
What the fuck
are you doing here?
What do you mean?
We haven't seen you
in over a decade,
and yet you're here
within five minutes
of Aunt Hilda's diagnosis?
Well, that just goes to show
how much Aunt Hilda means to me.
Do you think we look
like fucking idiots?
Do you really want me
to answer that question?
We know why you're here,
Beatrice.
You're trying to get
your grubby hands
on Aunt Hilda's inheritance.
[GASPS] My gosh! I came out
of the goodness of my heart.
Oh, your heart's made
out of charcoal.
We learned that when you stole
Macey's boyfriend at prom.
-Leave it, Savanna.
-Who, Adam Brodsky?
I didn't steal him.
He was obsessed with me.
-God, are you still
hanging onto that?
-Oh!
Oh, my God! You weren't
just Macey's cousin,
you were her best friend,
and you stabbed her in the back!
Do you know that she cried
for two weeks straight?
She cried so much
she was puking.
She was just a mess
of tears and puke.
God, it actually
made me physically ill
just to look at her.
-Okay, thanks, Savanna.
-Why are you so fixated
on the inheritance?
Do you think that you
should be getting it?
Well, at least we've been here.
And gone to every single
hideous family occasion
while you've been
missing in action.
Hmm, that's true, but you
seem to be forgetting one thing.
-What's that?
-That Aunt Hilda thinks
that the sun
shines out of my ass.
And she thinks that the two of
you are a couple of dipshits.
So...
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
-JAMES: Soup's ready.
-Oh, this is my husband, James.
These are the cousins
that I told you about.
-Oh!
-Remember when we drove
into town,
and they had the white cafe?
Well, it used to be white.
-James is a chef.
-JAMES: Mmm.
Um, he makes actual food.
-You know, not just buns
and stuff. Thank you.
-Very hot.
Nice to meet you both.
MACEY: Uh...
[]
Um...?
Can you believe her?!
She hasn't changed at all!
Oh, I know.
She looks amazing.
That's not what I meant!
No. I'm talking about
how she's a conniving bitch
-and trying to take our money.
-I think you're overreacting.
I mean, I know Beatrice
can be clever and scheming
and probably a little evil,
-but she's just
one person, right?
-[CAR HONKING]
Hey, cuzzes! How you doing?
-Oh, no. Shit.
-No! Jesus.
MACEY: Oh, God.
He is coming to stay.
-SAVANNA: No.
-Whazzup?!
For fuck's sake, not you too.
I came as soon as I got
Aunt Hilda's email
about her diagnosis.
So sad.
-You and Aunt Hilda
e-mail each other?
-RICHARD: Yeah, totes.
We email, text, WhatsApp.
All the apps.
I wouldn't lose touch
with Aunt Hilda.
I'm not a complete idiot.
Macey. Mercy!
You are looking
mer-ty, mer-ty, mer-ty fine.
Oh, my God.
RICHARD: Anyhoo,
I'll see you gals inside.
-Aunt Hildy!
-Fuck!
My God.
I think we have to leave.
This whole thing
is just way too much.
And let those assholes
get Aunt Hilda's money
without us putting up a fight?
No. Leaving is exactly
what we are not going to do.
Also, I want some of that soup.
It smells fucking delicious.
Come on, Macey.
Come on!
[UTENSILS CLINKING]
-Lovely soup, James.
-Oh, thank you.
James has a new restaurant.
It's really up and coming.
-Well, it has its
ups and downs, actually--
-BEATRICE: No, it doesn't.
It's doing great.
Uh, that's an interesting
painting, Aunt Hilda.
Where'd you get it?
I found that at a flea market
a few years ago.
It's called "Dog".
Right. Nice.
There was something about it.
The look of abandonment
in its face.
Yeah, it's so depressing.
It always reminded me
of you, Macey.
[]
Speaking of, I was so sad
to hear about the breakdown
of your relationship--
What was it,
your third, fourth husband?
-I've lost track.
-[CLEARS THROAT] Second.
Oh. I heard this one
ran off with a prostitute.
That's gotta be horrendous.
No, actually,
she wasn't a prostitute.
She was a dancer.
You mean a stripper?
Uh, I don't know.
Well, we can probably
work it out.
When she was dancing,
was she naked?
I think she may have been, yes.
So, that's a stripper.
Okay, fine.
She was a stripper then.
Yeah, and as it turns out,
a lot of strippers
are willing to do
prostitution on the side
-if you pay them, so...
-Oh, are they, Richard?
Totally. So, my guess
is that your husband
was going to see her dance
on the evenings,
and then started to pay her
to have sex.
They built up a relationship,
and they fell in love.
It's actually--
It's pretty romantic.
It could be a movie.
I think it is a movie.
It's--it's actually,
it's Pretty Woman, isn't it?
It's a goddamn fairytale.
-Mm-hmm, yeah. Sweet.
-Yeah.
Well, hopefully he didn't
catch any STDs and
bring them home to you.
-Because yeesh.
-None that I know of.
You know, if you get
any discolored,
putrid-smelling discharge,
coming from down there, you
might wanna get it checked out.
You know, you don't want
to be chronically infected
in the old hoo-ha.
Uh, James, um, how long have you
and Beatrice been together?
-Two years.
-Oh, so still
in the honeymoon phase?
Oh, I don't think that
lasted the honeymoon.
That's a joke.
So, Richard,
what do you do for work?
-Call me "Dick", guy.
I like Dick now.
-Oh, Dick.
-Oh, you like Dick now?
-I prefer Dick.
I'm an entrepreneurial investor.
Right now, I'm heavily
leveraged into a really
exciting thing
that I could tell you all about,
but then I'd have to kill you.
-Oh.
-No, no. I'll--I'll tell ya.
It's a mirror app that
turns your phone into a mirror.
So when you're out,
you know,
and you don't have a mirror with
you, you wanna check your face,
your makeup, your teeth.
Any spinach in there?
Now, you got a mirror.
Just hit the app.
But you can just put
your camera phone to flip,
and then it basically
works like a mirror.
-You know?
-I think that would work, yeah?
MACEY: Well, it does work.
We have that.
[]
-BEATRICE: Hmm.
-[QUIETLY] Oh.
Aunt Hilda, I'd love
to say a few words, if I may?
-Here we go.
-You were always, always
my favorite aunt.
In the summers,
I used to love coming here.
It was so much fun.
In a lot of ways, I feel
like you were... I don't know,
more of a mother to me
than my own mother.
And I just wanna say thank you.
That I can be here for you
in your hour of need,
to look after you
and your affairs.
I also love you
more than my own mother.
In fact, I think of you
more as my mother,
and I think of myself
as your son.
In fact, I think you may be
the best person all around,
that I've ever known.
And that's--that's all
I wanted to say really.
Mmm. Really?
Well, I think
I'm ready to go up to bed.
-[ALL CHATTERING]
-SAVANNA: Oh, Aunt Hilda,
Macey and I can take you.
-MACEY: Absolutely.
-BEATRICE: I got it.
[ALL CHATTERING]
Stop!
What the fuck
is wrong with you people?
Beatrice can take me.
Excuse me.
SAVANNA: Well, thank you
for the luncheon.
Rest well.
-BEATRICE: Easy does it.
-You know, I'm gonna go with,
in case you need muscle.
I'm right here.
Macey. Macey, Macey.
We need to stay here.
-Oh, God. Is that
really necessary?
-Of course!
We need to keep an eye
on fucking Beatrice and Dick.
Find a way to get Aunt Hilda
out from under their influence.
How are we gonna do that?
They're all over her.
That's what I gotta
figure out, okay?
-I'm gonna go get some air.
-Okay.
-I'll go get
the stuff from the car.
-Thank you.
-[EXHALES]
-RICHARD: Macey.
-How ya doing?
-Mmm.
Ooh, did it just
get hot in here?
Ooh!
Whoo.
You forget how hot it is,
you know?
Hey, I really am sorry
about what's-his-name.
I mean, have sex with
prostitutes by all means,
but don't
fall in love with them.
That's just sick.
You deserve a real man
to take care of you.
Mmm. Well, I--I have a real man
now. One that's not a relative.
Oh, the guy who cries?
How do you know he cries?
Everyone knows.
Everyone's talking about it.
-Oh, my God.
-Listen, Macey,
I have always had
a vision of you
ever since I saw you
changing into your bathing suit
that summer.
When you were peering through
my window like a total creep?
That's your interpretation.
Come on.
We have always had a thing.
-You and me, you know that.
-Yeah, yeah.
Our thing being that
we're in the same family.
But we're just cousins.
Cousins are fair game.
-Richard, no they're not.
Where did you get that idea?
-Call me "Dick" now, please.
I go by Dick.
I've done extensive research.
I've checked.
You know there are entire
porn sites dedicated solely
to cousin-fucking?
There's cuzbang.com,
cuzfuck.com,
kissingcousins.com,
cuzlove.org,
which is kind of a surprise,
very romantic.
Oh, my God. That's it?
That's your justification?
-Porn sites about
cousin-fucking?
-Not entirely.
I'm just saying, the world
is changing fast, you know.
First there was the gays,
and then there was
the trans people.
Who knows what's coming
down the pipe next?
We don't want to be on the wrong
side of history, you and me.
Hmm, I don't think that's
the same thing somehow.
Why are you putting up
obstacles between us?
Oh, I'm not. They're there.
The obstacles are there
in the fact that
we are blood related.
Well, just put aside
the possible ick factor
for one second.
We could team up. We could get
Aunt Hilda's money together.
Just you and I.
We'd ride off into the sunset.
We could live together.
Maybe even have some kids.
Not naturally, you know,
in case they came out weird,
but we could adopt.
I'm gonna take that as a maybe.
[CHILDREN PLAYING]
Yeah, that's a maybe.
[]
-[MUFFLED GASP]
-Shh, shh!
Oh, my God.
What are you doing?
-Shh.
-Oh, shit.
We're gonna
take Aunt Hilda out.
No. It's 5:30 in the morning.
Yeah, I know. We have to
get her out of the house
before those parasitic
fuckers wake up.
-Oh, my God.
-Come on.
No.
[]
[WHISPERING]
Aunt Hilda?
Aunt Hilda?
She's completely comatose.
-Good.
-Looks like she had
half a bottle last night.
Excellent. Okay, now,
we just need to get her
in the chair
-and get her downstairs.
-Seriously?
Yeah, why? What's the problem?
Um, the problem is this all
feels a little weird, and
an awful lot like kidnapping.
Will you quit putting labels
on everything?
Now, okay, just get her feet.
-Take her feet?
Why don't you take her feet?
-I'll take them next time.
-Next time?! How many times
are we gonna do this?!
-Let's just hurry up, okay?
-What--what's going on?
-Oh, Aunt Hilda.
-Nothing.
It's all good.
It's all good.
-You just relax, okay?
-[TOILET FLUSHES]
Oh, God. Someone's awake.
-Oh, Jesus.
-Fuck.
-We have to hurry.
-Right.
-Here we go.
-HILDA: Wait--
-You just sleep--
-[HILDA GROANS]
[BOTH GRUNT]
Beatrice, what are we doing?
It's not even six am.
Aunt Hilda loves your scones.
Which is why you need
to get going and make them.
Can't we make them later
and we'll have them for lunch?
Scones are a breakfast item.
Do you not appreciate how much
money is involved here?
-Yeah, but it's not our money.
-Not our money yet,
which is why you need
to make the goddamn scones.
-[CLATTER]
-What was that?
[]
Aunt Hilda?
What the fuck?
[]
-Aunt Hilda's gone.
-She's dead?
No, she's not dead.
Those idiots took her!
[]
Am I still making the scones?
[BOTH CHATTERING]
-[BOTH GASPING]
-HILDA: Slow down.
MACEY: Okay.
Richard!
-Get up, fuck face!
-Lady Gaga!
They're taking Aunt Hilda!
-[HILDA GRUNTING]
-There we go.
MACEY: Yes. All right. Okay.
-[WOMEN CHATTERING]
-[HILDA GROANING]
[]
BEATRICE: Hey!
SAVANNA: Shit.
-This stupid car! Oh, yes!
-Yeah!
-What's Beatrice doing?
-MACEY: She's just
waving us off.
SAVANNA: Yeah, wave back,
wave back. Bye, Beatrice!!
See ya later. Bye!
[WHISPERS] Ow.
Take me home.
I want to go back to sleep.
Oh, come on, Hilda.
It's a beautiful morning.
You can sleep
when you're dead-- tired!
You can sleep when
you're dead tired.
-Where the hell
are you taking me anyway?
-Oh, you'll see.
It's gonna be
a really nice surprise.
Where actually are we
actually taking her?
Last night,
I came up with a great plan.
We're taking her to see Mom.
What?! Savanna,
that's a terrible idea.
-They hate each other.
-That's why it's
a brilliant idea.
We need to bring about
a reconciliation.
If Mom and Hilda make up,
then there's no reason
she can't give us the estate.
-Um, Aunt Hilda...
-That's like--
...do you want some breakfast?
I made you a sandwich.
[]
[GROANS] That's disgusting!
[CAR SPUTTERING]
Why have you brought me
to this shithole of a dump?
MACEY: Uh, there's someone here
who wants to say hi.
Okay, here goes.
-DIANE: Hey.
-ELLEN: Hi. What's going on?
Uh, we brought Aunt Hilda here
to meet with Mom
for a reconciliation.
Uh, are you gonna
stick around?
Oh, hell no. I got a D&D
convention on Zoom.
-A really important one.
-Yeah. All right.
Well, you'd better get going,
'cause that sounds like
something you don't wanna miss.
Exactly. All right, see ya.
Pickle juice?
-[GROANS] What?
-Okay, Mom, Mom.
Do you remember the plan?
You need to be nice.
I know how to be nice.
I know, but you know
how Aunt Hilda
can be a tad abrasive at times.
You know, you just don't
let her get to you.
-Keep your cool.
-Wait, I'll help you.
HILDA: You can help me
by taking me back home.
Honey, I taught sixth graders
for 34 years.
I think I can handle my sister,
thank you very much.
Yeah, but she
really gets to you.
Oh, look. I'm as cool
as a cucumber.
-Okay.
-All right.
Good. All right.
Now what the fuck
is she doing here?!
Aunt Hilda, Mom has something
she'd like to say to you.
-Don't you, Mom?
-HILDA: Oh, yeah!
Yeah, I'm keen to hear
what kind of shit she's gonna
spew out of her mouth.
Well, you know what?
Why don't you shut
your fucking mouth,
-you fucking bitch! Fuck you!
-Mom, Mom, Mom!
You were always jealous of me!
Always!
Oh, yeah! And what do I have
to be jealous of you for?
Oh, oh, wait.
This shit little house.
I don't know. Maybe because
I'm younger or prettier,
-or maybe because Dad always
loved me more than you!
-Mom! Mom! Mom!
-Oh, fuck you! Fuck you!
-SAVANNA: Okay, okay!
-I'll kill you,
you fucking whore!
-Oh, yeah?
-Bring it on, bitch!
-Ow!
[ALL SHOUTING]
Let go of that.
MACEY: Mom! Mom! Mom!
No, no, no!
[ALL SHOUTING]
-Mom!
-Get in the house!
-Get in the house!
-Are you okay?
Oh, my God!
She is fucking crazy!
-I told you! I told you before!
-I know. I'm sorry.
-[ALL SCREAMING]
-You eat this, bitch!
-No, Mom! No!
-[GUNSHOT]
Well, I guess that
didn't work out as well
as I'd hoped.
No, I guess not.
Hey, Don. Yeah, yeah, it's Dick.
Yeah, I just had a note
on the mirror app
that you had me pump
a shitload of money into.
Yeah.
People have cameras
on their fucking phones!
You idiot!
[DISCONNECTED BEEP]
"Aunt Hildy. I'm glad I have
someone I can trust with
my estate when I'm gone."
[GLEEFUL GRUNT] I knew those
emails would work!
Goddamn it! Yes!
Ow.
-[GROANING LOUDLY]
-Oh, Aunt Hilda, we missed you!
-My liege.
-Get me away from them.
Did you not have a nice morning?
No, I did not.
It was fucking awful.
Gosh, that's such a shame.
-Let me get you away from them.
-Oh, fuck off.
How about I make you a drink
in the garden?
Hey, Macey.
Have you given any thought to
what I talked about last night?
Oh, Jesus Christ, Richard,
I'm really trying not to.
[PANTING]
-That means you're
thinking about it.
-[DOOR CLOSES]
BEATRICE: Aunt Hilda,
how is dinner?
Ah! It was a hell
of a lot better
than that shit lettuce sandwich
they tried to make me eat.
No wonder your cafe's
down the fucking toilet. Hmm?
Well, you seem to have
caught the sun today, Hilda.
You got a little bit of a glow.
It's jaundice.
Oh. Well...
-it looks good on you.
-[DOOR CLOSES]
RICHARD: Sorry I'm late.
I was just out buying flowers
for my favorite aunt.
Oh, thank you.
And a very Chantilly cake.
I remember you told me
it was your favorite one.
So, that's actually two gifts,
if you're keeping score.
Well, James and I
brought you something.
I was looking at pictures
of my mom and dad's
and I found some
of you and the family,
and I thought I'd make you
a photo album.
Well, that is actually
a thoughtful gift.
There's pictures of you
as a baby.
-Oh!
-And then on the next page,
pictures of you
with your mom and dad.
HILDA: Oh, my!
-[HILDA LAUGHS]
-BEATRICE: Your friends.
-Right there.
-Oh! Oh!
That's me and my buddy
from high school.
That is Bill Dunther!
Oh, my God!
I had such a crush on him.
For a young man,
he just had some--
-He had this sexual energy.
Yeah.
-BEATRICE: Mmm.
Oh, boy.
I would love
to be with a man again.
-BEATRICE: Mm.
-To have his hands all over me.
To feel him inside me.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Bill Dunther wanted to be
inside me, let me tell ya.
The looks he used to
throw me in math class...
Whoo! But I never let him.
Now, I'll probably never
feel a man inside me again.
Well, I don't know, Aunt Hilda.
You're an attractive woman.
If I wasn't your nephew,
I'd be only too happy
to be inside you.
Well, it's a lovely gift,
Beatrice.
Thank you.
And thank you, Richard.
It's nice to know I have
some decent relatives.
BEATRICE: Aww.
Thank you.
Oh. Huh.
-[DISHES CLATTER]
-This is a disaster.
How are we supposed
to compete with them?
-I know exactly how.
-[SIGHS]
-Bill Dunther.
-What?
Yeah. The guy she liked
at school that she
wanted inside her.
We find him
and we bring him here.
But we don't know where he is.
I mean, he could be dead
for all we know.
Well, if he's not dead,
then we lure him here
to give Auntie
a little good dicking.
Oh, no. Stop talking like that.
You're making me imagine it.
Oh, God, you're right. I just
imagined Aunt Hilda's vagina.
Damn.
Come on, let's go look him up.
[]
-[GROANS]
-Stop thinking about
Aunt Hilda's vagina!
-SAVANNA: Okay.
-MACEY: Let's go!
[]
Oh, my God. I got him.
-No way!
-Look, Bill Dunther,
70 years old,
went to the same high school
as Hilda, lives 15 miles away!
-That's amazing! Okay!
-[GASPS]
So we'll go and see him
first thing tomorrow morning.
Wow, Savanna.
Do you think maybe we really
do have a shot at this?
Are you fucking kidding me?
If we get her laid
by her high school crush,
of course we have a shot!
[HUMMING]
Shit.
-MACEY: What if he
doesn't want to?
-SAVANNA: Macey, stop worrying.
No, I'm serious.
It's gonna go great.
We get this right,
Aunt Hilda will be
getting fucked by dinnertime.
-She's gonna love it.
-Okay.
She'll be so happy and relaxed.
[MUTTERING] Fuck. Fuck.
Fuck, they're gonna
get Hilda laid.
God, that is so smart.
Shit!
Is it that bad?
Yes, it's that bad!
Oh, my gosh!
I mean, this puts them
in an amazing position.
Unless...
Unless what?
Unless we get Hilda laid
before they do.
[SCOFFS] Oh, right, sure.
Let's just drive around
and we'll look for somebody
that looks like
they're up for having sex
with a dying old lady.
No, no. Seriously though,
listen.
We find a homeless guy.
There's tons
of homeless guys around.
Pay him some money.
Clean him up.
Make him look respectable.
You want to find a homeless man
and pay him to have sex
with Aunt Hilda?
You're right.
It's a terrible idea.
Hilda hates the homeless.
-James?
-Yeah?
Have you ever thought about
having sex
with an older woman?
What do you mean, like a MILF?
GILF?
Why are you asking me that?
Oh, my God, Beatrice!
Have you lost your damn mind?
No, look, if Macey and Savanna
get her laid before we do,
then she's gonna favor them, and
she might leave them the estate.
I can't believe
I'm hearing this.
[STAMMERS] I mean, I don't know.
Is it such a big deal?
My having sex
with your Aunt Hilda
is not a big deal?
I don't know. Close your eyes.
Pretend you're with
somebody else.
Stick it in and out a few times.
Come in two seconds. Cry.
Do whatever you do with me.
What? What, what?!
Look, I agreed to join
this family circus of insanity
to support you.
And I will wake up at 5:30 in
the morning and make the damn
scones, but there's a line.
And that line is crossed
when I'm being farmed out
as a fuckboi,
-to geriatric members
of your family.
-It's millions of dollars.
Well, it could be billions of
dollars and it doesn't matter,
because it's not enough
for me to have sex
with your Aunt Hilda.
[VOICE TREMBLES]
I am not a fuckboi!
You are so selfish!
Selfish!
[STOMPING]
What the hell
is going on in this house?
No, it's just a fight.
We're just-- It's no big deal.
No, I'm not interested
in your relationship.
I just saw Macey
and Savanna leaving
-and they looked very excited.
-Yeah, I'll tell you what
they're excited about.
-They're gonna get Hilda a date.
-[SCOFFS] A what?
-[MOCKS LAUGHTER]
-What, a date? What?
Yes, a date.
They're gonna get themselves
written into the will,
and you and I
are gonna be fucked.
What if the will's
already written?
Doesn't matter because
she can change her mind.
It only matters who's in the
will at the moment she dies.
You're an idiot.
[GRUNTS]
The moment she dies...
-[SOFT MUSIC ON RADIO]
-[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
[DOOR OPENS]
Yoo-hoo, Aunt Hilda?
It's only me.
Your favorite nephew.
Oh, what is it, Richard?
Well, I really appreciated
your message.
Ah.
Not that I don't care
about the inheritance,
because I don't.
I only care about you.
And I just think it was a--
It was just
a really sweet gesture.
Oh. Well, you've been really
good about staying in touch.
Yes, I have.
[CHUCKLES] This has got
the morphine going.
You got the good stuff.
How's that treating you?
Oh, I just had a shitload.
-[RICHARD LAUGHING]
-Any more,
I'd probably overdose.
[LAUGHTER FADES]
Overdose?
Yeah. The doctor set
really strict limits
and I am there.
What do doctors know, you know?
They're just overly cautious
because, uh, they're afraid
of lawsuits and shit like that.
But I'm sure you could
get yourself a little bump.
-Just bump it up a little bit.
-No!
No, even a little more
could kill me.
-Yeah, would that be
such a bad thing?
-What?!
It would be for me
because I'd be devastated,
but...
I'd also be happy
knowing that you were at peace.
That you had nothing
to worry about anymore.
That you were out of pain.
Just slip into
a long, happy sleep.
Oh.
Talking about sleep--
-Yeah?
-Would you plump my pillows?
Oh, sure.
HILDA: Yeah.
[HILDA GRUNTS]
Richard?
Hey...
Just, uh, plumping up
Aunt Hilda's pillows here.
That's all.
Here you go, Aunt Hilda.
-HILDA: Oh.
-Nice and plump.
-There you go.
-Oh, good.
-Thanks.
-RICHARD: Yep.
Okay. All yours.
[]
If you see this
[CAR SQUEALING]
Make sure you lock the door.
You hear me?
What is this place?
I don't know,
but let's make it quick.
[SUGGESTIVE HUM]
[DISTANT SHOUTING]
MACEY: Was that guy on drugs?
Oh, yeah.
He's fucked out of his tits.
Oh, my God.
What is that smell?
Who would live here?
Us if we don't get
the inheritance.
Savanna, Savanna.
That guy is really
looking at us.
-Hello.
-Don't wave at everybody.
Okay.
-[KNOCKING]
-Just wait.
-[DOOR UNLOCKING]
-Ah!
-Oh, hi. Hello.
-Are you Bill Dunther?
-Who are you?
-Well, I'm Savanna
and this is my sister, Macey.
We were just wondering
if we could have a little chat.
Chat? You're not
the police, are you?
No. No.
All right. Come in.
Thank you.
[MUTTERS]
Ah.
I'd have cleaned up a little
if I'd have known
I was gonna have some company.
But y'all have a seat if
you'd like to there and relax.
It's uh-- Hey, will--
Can I get you a coffee?
Oh, no, no. No, thank you.
I'd just, uh, prefer to not,
you know, touch things.
Uh-huh. Yeah, well,
and what was this about now?
Well, Bill, we have
a question for you.
How would you feel about
going on a date?
With you?
No. God, no. No, no.
No, with our aunt.
-Oh, with your aunt?
-SAVANNA: Yes, you see,
um, you and our aunt went
to high school together.
Sadly, she does not
have long left to live.
But her dying wish
was to see you.
-Ah! See me, huh?
-Yeah, yeah.
I know, it's a little weird.
But, um, she still speaks
fondly of you from school.
Her name's Hilda Beauchamp.
Hilda Beauchamp.
Hilda Beauchamp!
Hilda Beauchamp.
-Oh, you remember her!
-No. No.
Well, it was a long time ago.
Anyway, as I was saying, um,
she would love to see you
before she goes.
[CHUCKLES] Wow
SAVANNA: So,
what do you think?
Would you like to make
a dying woman's wish come true?
Yeah, I don't think so.
Oh, no. Why not?
Well, uh, I don't get involved
with women anymore. No.
They've caused me
too much trouble. No.
Well, that's the beautiful thing
about this situation.
You don't have to worry
about getting involved because
she's gonna be dead soon.
-[MOUTHING]
-Well, uh...
Thank you, but, uh, you should
probably find someone else.
-It's okay, yeah.
-Oh, but you're the one
she wants to see.
Oh, I understand.
I understand,
but, um, it's just not for me.
-I'm sorry.
-What if we paid you $200?
-What?
-Yeah, what?
Well, it'll be enough
to buy you some food
and some cleaning supplies.
-Two hundred dollars!
-Ah, great!
All right,
it's, uh, it's a date then.
Hey, uh, do you mind?
Can I just ask you
out of interest, um,
what is this place?
Oh, this place?
It's a--it's a half-way house.
-Oh, like for alcoholics?
-Oh, no, no, no. Sex offenders.
Sorry, uh...
did you say sex offenders?
Yeah, this is where they house
us when we come out of prison.
-Yeah. [CHUCKLES]
-Right.
Nice, I think.
It doesn't stink.
Can you just, uh,
give my sister and I
one second
to, uh-- Jesus Christ, Savanna.
-This is a halfway house
for sex offenders!
-Yeah, I know. I heard.
-That means he's a sex offender.
-Most likely.
Right. So, obviously, we can't
set Aunt Hilda up on a date
with a sex offender.
-Can't we?
-What do you mean, "Can't we"?
Well, I don't know. He doesn't
seem like one of the bad ones.
He's a sex offender.
They're all bad.
For all we know, he could be
a murdering rapist.
-Bill, you're not
a murdering rapist, are you?
-[STAMMERS]
No, I got caught exposing myself
to people in public.
See? There you go.
He just got caught exposing
himself to people in public.
-Oh, "just"?
-Yes, well, it's something I
used to do when I was drinking.
I don't drink anymore. Yeah.
I'm not proud of it.
See, he just
has to not be drunk.
Wait, so are you telling me
you still want to go ahead
with this idea?
Of course. Hilda wants
to have a date with him!
Yeah, but-- Listen to me.
She might not
want to have a date with him
when she finds out he's been
flashing his dick and balls
at random strangers.
Come on! She's not gonna
be alive that much longer.
Why does this matter?
Macey, this is our one shot.
-We have to take it.
We have to.
-Oh, God.
-Yes.
-Oh, God.
Oh, about that money now.
Do I get that upfront or later?
-BOTH: Later!
-Mmm.
-Here's the address.
-Yep. Yeah.
-Bill...
-[GROANS]
Uh, here's the address
for later.
All right. Good, good.
Got it, got it. All right.
-MACEY: I've just got
a question.
-Uh-huh.
I see you have a nice,
a lovely, dove-gray...
shirt here, do you have
pants to match, or...?
-Well, I can borrow some.
-Oh, good.
-Good, good.
-Great, okay.
-Hilda likes pants.
-Okay.
Okay, bye.
[MOUTHING]
What was that?
I just hope he takes a shower
before the dinner.
Oh, God, yeah.
-Can we please walk faster?
-Good idea.
[]
-JAMES: What are you looking at?
-Male escorts.
[SIGHS] They all
look like crackheads.
Trevor has a quality about him--
-Ow.
-It's over.
It's completely over.
[SOBS]
[]
[BEATRICE MOANS SOFTLY]
[SOBS]
Okay, I'll do it.
-What?
-I'll do it with Aunt Hilda,
if that's what you really want.
Wow. James, thank you.
But only if it's
what you really want.
Is it really
what you want, Beatrice?
Yes.
And you're sure about that?
That what you really want
is for your husband
to have sex with your aunt?
-Absolutely.
-Hilda.
But we gotta go fast because we
don't have much time, okay?
Now?
Why do we have to do it now?
I don't understand.
What's the hurry?
-Hilda?
-I don't--
Hi. James, um,
wanted to talk
to you alone.
[WHISPERS] Good luck.
Uh...
Mmm. You know, I, uh,
I have to say
you're looking, um...
-really...
-[CLEARS THROAT]
-...fetching in
those bedclothes.
-[COUGHING UP PHLEGM]
Anyhow, you were saying?
Um...
Yeah. I was just really kind of
thinking that, uh,
as a man, I do have some
experience with the emotion
that I think you're,
um, referring to.
-Ooh.
-Mm-hmm.
-Uh...
-Mmm?
What?
[SIGHS] All right.
-Aunt Hilda!
-Oh, hey! Come on in!
Hi, uh, come on in.
It's fine. I'm sorry.
Wrong room.
Aunt Hilda! Do we have
a surprise for you!
So, the food is
on its way and-- Oh!
Uh, I don't think we should have
wine on the table, Savanna, um,
'cause I think Bill might have
had a problem with alcohol.
-Remember?
-Oh, yeah. Right. Good thinking.
Wait. He's not
an alcoholic, is he?
Does he have other issues?
No, no, no!
No issues at all!
No way! No issues.
Not Bill.
Well, you now, he is, uh--
He's gonna be here soon.
And when he gets here,
we'll send him in,
and leave you to it.
-We'll be right back.
-Right back. Okay.
-Oh, God. What now?
-Macey.
-Listen.
-What? Don't--
-I'm getting the money.
Hilda promised it to me.
-What?
So let's abort
this whole date thing,
and come with me to Florida.
Throw in with me.
-What, are you gonna
split the money with me?
-I didn't say split it.
It's mine. But I'll give you
a generous allowance.
-[DOORBELL RINGS]
-What?
-Macey?
-SAVANNA: Okay. All right.
-SAVANNA: Ahh! No!
-MACEY: Hey, no, no, no.
That's for us! Don't answer it!
-Hello?
-Yes. I'm here to see Hilda.
Hey, Bill. Hey, hey, hey.
Come on in.
-How you doing?
-Yeah, good. Thanks for coming.
-Thank you.
-My goodness.
-Hey, Bill!
-Hey. How are you?
-RICHARD: Who is this?
-I'm Bill Dunther.
-Oh. Have we met?
-Yeah, good to meet you.
-Have we met?
-I don't think so.
Oh, you don't need to talk
to this old dude. All right.
-Not you, Bill.
Thank you for coming.
MACEY: Yeah, so,
-here's your dinner.
There you go.
-Oh, okay.
Uh, we hope you have
a great time.
Yes, yes. But, uh,
great time in the way that,
you know, normal people
have a great time,
-you know what I'm saying?
-Do normal.
-Yes. Yeah, so,
keep your pants on.
-Oh, okay.
-Zip right up. Nice and tidy.
-You are a sensitive soul.
-Have fun!
-Okay.
[BOTH EXHALE DEEPLY]
[]
I don't understand.
I asked you to do one thing.
One tiny thing
and you messed this up.
I should've done it myself.
-A tiny little thing?
A tiny little thing.
-Yes.
-For our future!
-You asked me to seduce a
terminally ill family member.
"Seduce"? "Seduce"?
[WHISTLING]
Oh... flasher!
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
-You do not look happy.
-I'm not happy.
Aunt Hilda's in there
having the time of her life
with her high school crush
and she's just gonna be
so happy with Macey and Savanna.
Yeah, but if only you know
what I know...
-What do you know?
-Ah, maybe I'll tell you,
maybe I won't.
-[GROANING]
-Tell me now.
Well, the guy that
Macey and Savanna
set up with Aunt Hilda
is a sex pest.
Ow! Fuck.
-What?
-Yeah, as soon as I saw him,
I was wracking my brain
to try to figure out
where I knew this guy from.
-Yeah, he's a flasher.
-Wait, how do you know this?
-Because he flashed me.
-What?
No. I mean, I was parked
on a date with this chick,
and we're making out,
about to get down to business,
and all of a sudden there's
a dick up against the window
that's not mine.
He gets arrested.
She's traumatized.
I'm also traumatized,
'cause I didn't
get laid that night.
Richard...
You are telling me
the best thing I've ever
heard in my entire life!
-Yeah. it's good, right?
-[WHISTLING TUNE]
Oh, Savanna. You look
pretty pleased with yourself.
Well, yeah. You know, I'm just
looking for the good china.
They're almost on to dessert.
Gosh, I am just so glad
we were able to give Aunt Hilda
such a great time.
It just feels really good
to do something nice
for someone,
you know what I mean?
Oh, what am I saying?
Of course, you don't.
[RICHARD CHUCKLES]
So, the date sounds like
it's going really well, huh?
Yeah. Yeah.
It really seems to be.
-It really does.
-Aww. That's great.
-Yeah.
-Hilda, I guess she just
doesn't seem too concerned
with his checkered past.
What? What are you
talking about there?
BEATRICE: Oh, I don't know.
I mean, maybe just the fact
that he flips his dick out
-and shows it to random women.
-[RICHARD LAUGHING]
Oh, God.
Who told you that?
Richard.
Oh, and you believe
this fucking ding dong here?
Well, Richard may
be a ding dong,
but he's not a liar.
Well, I mean, he might be
a ding dong and a liar,
but he's not creative enough
to make that up.
Do you think for even,
like, one second
I would set
Aunt Hilda up with a,
-what, a convicted sex offender?
-Oh, absolutely.
-No, no, that's ridiculous.
-You know what? Why don't we
just share with Aunt Hilda
what we found, and she can, uh,
do what she wants to do with it.
You know what? Aunt Hilda is
having an amazing time in there.
Do you really want
to destroy like one of
her last great nights on Earth
-with this nonsense
that you're talking about?
-Yep.
-Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
-Oh! Nice move!
-Wait! No, no!
Don't you fucking do it!
-[BEATRICE SCREAMS]
What are you doing?!
MACEY: What's happening?!
-Macey, Macey, grab her ankles!
-BEATRICE: Get off me!
-Grab her fucking ankles!
-[WOMEN SHOUTING]
What's going on?
James, help me!
No! Don't even think about it!
Oh, God! She's getting away!
-[WOMEN GRUNTING]
-Wow, this is kinda hot.
-We're your cousins,
you sick fuck!
-Cousins are fair game.
-That's already
been established.
-She's getting away!
[GRUNTING CONTINUES]
Oh, hey, Aunt Hilda.
Oh, my God. Stop it!
-How's it all, uh--
How's it-- Ow!
-Stop.
Aunt Hilda,
I have to tell you something.
Bill is a sex offender!
I know.
What do you mean
you know?
He told me all about it.
Ha! Fuck you, Beatrice!
She already knows
and she doesn't give a shit,
so suck on that!
Oh, I do give a shit.
I think it's sickening.
But people make mistakes
and everyone deserves
a second chance.
Oh, I couldn't agree
with you more, Aunt Hilda.
And I just think that is so
incredibly compassionate of you.
Well, as a matter of fact,
we have decided
to get married.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah.
Sorry, what?
No.
Yeah, well--well I was making
out my bucket list, whatever,
I, um, realized that I have
never been married,
and neither has Bill.
-And we thought it would be fun
to do together.
-It'll be fun.
So, I got a hold of a priest
and made the arrangements,
and he will be here
in the morning
-to perform the service.
-MACEY: What? Tomorrow?
As in "tomorrow"?
That's way too soon.
Yeah. We don't have a dress or--
Well, let's face it, guys.
I don't really have much time
to hang around.
I--I--I don't want to be
indelicate here,
but--but if you get married,
what--what does that do
to your estate?
Well, as my husband,
Bill would be next of kin and
he would inherit the estate.
-What?!
-But you promised it to me.
-BEATRICE & SAVANNA: What?!
-What?!
But you made it clear,
you're only interested in me.
You don't care about
the inheritance.
That... is true.
-SAVANNA: But you can't
marry him!
-Why not?
Because he's a fucking
sex offender.
-RICHARD: Yes! Exactly.
-A fucking sex offender!
I thought you said everyone
deserves a second chance.
Oh, but, obviously,
we didn't mean it, you know.
I hate to agree with Savanna,
but she's right.
Yes. Yes, I am.
I am right, and you know,
marriage shouldn't be
on your bucket list.
It's awful. I mean, you know,
Beatrice and James
are married and they
fucking hate each other.
-Hate is a strong word.
-Oh, gee. Thanks.
Shut the fuck up, James!
I don't want
to hear any more nonsense!
Bill is a reformed man.
He has promised me
that he will never do
any of those things again.
-Didn't you?
-I did, I did.
Perhaps this is a good time
for me to go ahead and leave.
I thoroughly enjoyed it, and
it's so good to see you again.
-And I will see you
tomorrow, okay?
-Okay.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
SAVANNA:
I'll walk you out, Bill.
BILL: Oh, thank you,
thank you. Yeah.
You all don't really have
to walk me out.
-I got it.
-Bill! What the fuck was that?
-What are you doing?!
-You were supposed to have
dinner with Aunt Hilda,
-not get fucking engaged!
-Not get engaged!
-You didn't say anything
about not getting engaged.
-We shouldn't have to!
You didn't even want
to have a date with her.
Well, that's before I knew
how wealthy she was.
-Oh, my God.
-Oh, oh. So, that's all
this is for you, right?
Money? You're just trying to con
a poor, sweet old woman
out of her inheritance?
Fuck you. That's fucking low
even for a pervert.
Well, luckily,
I really don't care
what you all think right now.
I'm about to be a millionaire,
And it's all because of y'all.
Now, hey, that $200
that you owe me,
-we'll settle up on that
tomorrow. See ya tomorrow.
-Oh, fuck yeah.
-Yeah, you got it, Bill!
-No, we're not.
You're not gonna be seeing that!
-Fuck you! I'm gonna kick
the fucking shit out of you!
-Savanna, stop.
-No, don't.
-You fuck face!
GEOFF: You know I only got a few
days left before I go.
Maybe I can come down to
your aunt's place and see you?
Maybe not today?
It's a little crazy and...
How about I call you later?
Of course Bye.
Bye.
I can't believe
she would do this to me.
After all the messages
I sent her.
All the emails,
the texts, the WhatsApps,
all the fucking apps.
Oh, fuck your e-mails, Dick.
I mean, what about us?
Macey had to wipe up
her piss the other day.
Can you even imagine
what that's like,
mopping up her vagina?
Oh, no, no, no.
This can't happen.
James and I really need money.
I thought you said James'
business was doing great.
It's not doing great.
It's doing terribly.
He has the financial sense
of a donkey.
-I am here, you know?
-[GROANS]
-Well, we can let this marriage
go ahead, right?
-What do you suggest we do?
The priest is coming today
to marry them.
Thanks to you idiots
who had to set her up
with the love of her life!
I would rather that pervert
get it than you.
-I have more of a right to it
than you do!
-MACEY: Guys, guys, guys!
Come on! We need to work
this out together!
We're cousins, aren't we?
God, we used to do
things together.
Remember when we were kids?
We were close. We used to play
together for hours.
We all used to play
Hide-and-Seek in this
very house. So, come on.
That's true,
and I always used to win.
I'd be hiding upstairs
for hours.
And I'd come downstairs and you
guys would to be watching TV
or moved on to a new game.
Sometimes, they'd even
left the house.
Totally moved on. Yeah.
Right. So, the point is
we're a family.
All right. So, with
this--this sharing business,
what would happen
with the estate?
We split it.
So I'd get half and you guys
-would take the rest.
-No, Richard.
That's not splitting it.
-We share it equally between us.
-But it's supposed to be mine.
In a text message. See how
that holds up in court.
All right, all right.
We'll split it then, all right?
-Thirty, 30, 30, 30.
-Fine.
-What's the plan?
-RICHARD: Listen to this.
We drug him, we drive him
hundreds of miles away,
and we dump him in the middle
of nowhere, completely naked.
Does anyone have any ideas that
won't lead us going to prison
for a very long time?
I have an idea.
Why don't we congratulate Hilda.
-Wish her a lovely wedding
and just go home.
-Just shut the fuck up, James.
I'm sorry about him.
[]
Fuck, I think I've got it.
Maybe we can show that
Bill is still a flasher.
I mean, Aunt Hilda thinks
he's reformed, right?
But if we can show him
exposing himself,
she'll know he's a fraud.
-Yes, yes, yes. I like that.
-Okay!
-But how do we do that?
-Well, we need to create
the right circumstances
so, you know,
he'll pull his dick out.
We capture it on camera
and show it to Aunt Hilda.
Well, how can you be sure
he'll actually do it?
Oh, no, he'll do it.
This shit is compulsive.
If we give him the opportunity,
he won't not be able to do it.
How do you know
so much about that?
Okay, what--what are we
doing here, guys?
I mean, God, it's only
two hours to this wedding.
Okay, okay, uh, number one
on the plan is this.
We need to give him
some alcohol, all right?
-He told us he only does it--
-BOTH: When he's drunk.
Right, and then we leave him
with a woman, but somebody
he doesn't know
-so that he doesn't
suspect anything.
-How can we-- That is--
-Oh, my God. How can we
possibly ask someone to do--
-[CELL PHONE RINGS]
Wait a minute, it's Ellen.
Hey, Ellen.
-Hey.
-Yeah, hi.
Listen, Mom wants the number
to your mechanic.
-Well, just tell her I'm busy.
-Well, no.
It's really important.
Her car is making that weird
sound again. [SCREECHING]
Well, just tell her
to Google it.
Okay, but if she dies,
it's gonna be your fault.
-I told you.
-Okay.
-Bye.
-Bye.
What?
Why are you
looking at me like that?
Ellen? Oh, no way.
Absolutely not.
-Why not? It's a great idea.
-Oh, my God, Savanna.
Do I have to bring in the men
in white coats to take you away?
-Why are you saying that?
-Because you seem
to be asking me
if I'd be up for using
our younger sister
as bait for a sex offender.
-And would you?
-No, Savanna, I would not.
-Oh! But she's perfect.
-Is she, Savanna?
-Is she really perfect?
-All right, all right.
Maybe "perfect" isn't
the right word.
But we have a sister
who Bill's never met.
And her calling right now?
That really feels like fate.
-It did kind of feel like
a sign from God.
-Oh, really, Richard?
So God now wants
our younger sister to be
some dick bait for this guy?
He does move in mysterious ways.
Can you just go away?!
-Macey.
-No, I'm not discussing it.
This whole thing is
a ridiculous idea anyway.
Okay, it may be
a ridiculous idea,
but it's the best
idea we've got.
Also, Mom wanted us
to spend more time with Ellen.
Well, I'm pretty sure this
is not what she had in mind.
Look, I don't like this
any more than you do.
I don't think
that's true at all.
Okay, well, maybe I like it
a little bit more than you do,
-but that's only because
I see what a good idea it is.
-You would think that though
since you have absolutely
no sense of morality
or integrity whatsoever.
Do you want to know what
my values are, Macey?
To get the best for us.
For me and my sisters.
-To give us
the best lives possible.
-Yeah.
And right now, all I see
is a fucking shit show.
I mean,
look at me, Macey.
Do you think this is
the life I dreamt of?
Living in this shitty town,
going nowhere, being nobody?
You're not--
You're not nobody-
Oh, come on.
We both know that's not true.
Fuck. I've fucked up in so many
different ways in my life.
So many different times.
Dad's cafe is just about
the only thing
that's kept me going.
And what about you, Macey?
When I was a little kid,
I used to think that
you were the smartest,
prettiest girl
in the whole town.
And now I see a tired,
over-worked, two-time divorcee
who looks like she's wearing
the last clothes
on the rack at a charity shop.
And fuck, fuck,
it makes me sick to my stomach
to watch you struggle
through life day after day,
being shat on
by every man you've met.
And now you've finally found
someone you really like,
and yes he's boring
and he cries, but so what?
The fact is that you like him.
And you're about to lose him
just like you've lost every
other guy in your life.
So, it's time for you to decide
if you want to run away
and hide in a hole,
or face it head on
and get what you want.
And that's all
I wanted to say.
[EXHALES]
[HEAVY SIGH]
No! Obviously, no!
I know it sounds bad.
Well, yeah. It sounds bad
because it is bad, Macey.
Please, please, please.
Geoff leaves
for Alaska next week.
And unless I magically
find some way
to be able to afford
for him to stay,
he's just gonna
walk out of my life.
Probably forever.
And as an added bonus,
we'll be able to save the cafe
and we'll all be
very, very rich.
This isn't about money, Savanna,
okay? It's about principle.
But just, like, how rich
are we talking?
Just kind of curious,
I guess, a little bit.
-Well, Hilda's estate
is worth about 20 mill--
-Okay, I'm in.
-Really?
-Yes.
Oh! Oh, my God! You're amazing!
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
-I love you so much!
-[ALL LAUGHING]
[CHEERING AND CHATTERING]
-Under two conditions.
-Yes, anything. What?
You both have to play a game of
Dungeons and Dragons with me.
-Oh, Jesus.
-Really?
-That's--that's really
what you want?
-Yes.
Okay, fine.
But we won't wear the costumes.
-That's my second condition.
-Oh, why?!
-Why, for God's sake?!
-Because it adds
to the whole fantasy element.
-Jesus, Ellen!
-No? Oh, no?
-Okay, fine!
-[CACKLES]
Fine, we'll play the game and
we'll do the fucking dress-ups.
-Great, it's set! Let's go!
-Yay!
[]
Now, Ellen, you know
what to do, right?
Yes. Beatrice is gonna
give Bill a drink or two,
then she'll bring him outside,
and when there's
no one else around,
I go over and talk to him
until he gets his boner out.
-Boom!
-Boner out! Yes, yes!
Right, exactly!
If there's any way you could
talk to him about something
other than Dungeons and Dragons
that would be great.
You know,
give us a fighting shot.
That's true.
Nothing makes me softer
than a woman talking
about her hobbies.
And only do this if you feel
100 percent comfortable.
When am I ever gonna feel
100 percent comfortable?
-No one does. Yeah.
-Fair enough.
Hi! Come on in.
Ooh, look at you!
You look great!
-Thank you, thank you.
-Big day!
Hilda's upstairs getting
dressed,
and I thought you and I
could have a little drink.
Oh, not for me, thanks.
Oh, come on.
What's one little drink?
[STAMMERS] I really shouldn't.
-No.
-Just a teeny, tiny drink.
-Well, okay. Just a little one.
-Small one.
-Just a splash.
-Is that orange juice?
[CAR HORN HONKING]
What is that fucking idiot
doing?
What the fuck?
Excuse me. Be right back.
James! What are you doing?
I'm opting out.
What the hell does that mean?
Well, it turns out that
running sting operations
to catch old sex offenders
-is not really my thing.
-James, this is how
we get the money.
Except I don't care
about the money.
I just want my old life back.
Preferably,
with my wife in it.
Now, are you sure
we can't lose the crown?
Oh, no way. No chance.
Hmm, remember,
we do want him to be turned on
-not turned off.
-The crown stays!
Oh, God. All right, well,
maybe, at least, we could, uh,
-push the tits up.
-MACEY: No,
don't push the tits up.
-We have to give him something
to work with, Macey.
-I have to say, I agree.
-Push the tits up.
In fact, I would--
-MACEY: Hey! The tits are fine!
Dick!
Just have fun with it.
It's not a fun--
-ELLEN: Fun?!
-There is a purpose here.
-Just stay focused.
-A great purpose.
And don't look down.
Look up-ish.
-Like, middle ground.
-Yeah!
MACEY: Or, like, the horizon.
The horizon.
MACEY: I don't know
if this is gonna--
RICHARD: Whatever you're
doing now, don't do.
Tell me the truth, okay?
Do you not want me to go
because you want me to stay,
or do you not want me to go
because you want me
to do more cooking?
-I don't know. Does it
have to be one or the other?
-Choose!
Is it me or is it the money?
Because if it's me,
then for the love of God,
go pack your things,
then let's get
the fuck out of here.
[]
You're the one being selfish!
[SHOUTS]
-[DOOR OPENS]
-BEATRICE: Fuck! Fuck you!
-[DOOR SLAMS]
-"Opt out," I'll show you
fucking opt out.
Hi. I think I'll join you
in a drink.
Yeah. Uh-huh! [SHOUTS ANGRILY]
Your dick smells!
Okay. Let me just
have a little--
-Here, let me
give you a little--
-Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Just drink it.
Drink, drink, drink.
This is pretty exciting.
Macey, what's the first thing
you're gonna do if you get
Aunt Hilda's money?
-First thing?
-Really, you wanna know?
Yeah, I do.
Okay, well, I'm gonna
deal with the cafe.
You know, pay our debts.
-And then, most importantly--
-I'm gonna get a Porsche.
Haven't you already
got a Porsche?
Yeah, yeah,
but not the new model.
[MUTTERS]
Hey, guys.
Where the fuck is Beatrice?
She's supposed
to be here by now.
I'll go.
You know, James doesn't even
have the fight, you know?
He doesn't have the balls.
Yeah, not everybody
has the balls.
Do you have the balls, Bill?
Is that why you just keep
wanting to take 'em out,
and show 'em to everybody?
Mmm, well...
Are you still doing that,
the flashing?
Or you just take it out
every once in a while
-for like a special occasion?
-[MUTTERS]
-Just between you and me?
-Mmm.
Yeah, every now and again
he comes out and says hello.
-[DOOR OPENS]
MACEY: Beatrice.
Hey, hey, hey, Beatrice.
What--what's going on, huh?
-He left.
-Who left?
James. He left me.
Oh, my God. Okay, okay. Uh, we
just need to have a little chat.
Boo! I don't want to be
a divorcee, Macey.
I mean, even the word
just reeks of failure.
[GASPS] Shit, shit, shit, shit.
I'm sorry.
-What?
-I forgot.
You've been divorced
like a bunch of times.
Okay, look. You need to take
Bill to the garden.
We are running out of time.
Can you handle this?
Yes! Can I handle it?
-[SAVANNA GRUNTS]
-Yeah.
It's okay, she's coming.
BILL: I'll bet my pee
smells like citrus.
BEATRICE: Okay. So, you're gonna
sit down right here.
-Okay.
-And when Aunt Hilda's ready,
I'm gonna come back and get you.
-Okay?
-I guess.
I handled that.
Handled.
Well done.
-Wonderful.
-Okay, all right.
It's your time.
Your time to shine.
Okay. Okay.
[]
Jesus, Richard.
Why did you bring chips?
This is not a baseball game.
-I'm hungry!
-No.
[]
-SAVANNA: Oh, no.
-RICHARD: What?
Is he getting his dick out?
No, he's not
getting his dick out.
Oh, God, it looks like
he's passing out.
-Fuck. Oh, God.
-Oh, no.
-Oh, for fuck's sake!
-SAVANNA: Oh, shit.
SAVANNA: Oh, my God, Ellen.
You can't even
keep a sex offender awake?
Don't blame me, okay?
I started talking
and he just passed out.
You were talking about
Dungeons and Dragons,
weren't you? Weren't you?!
There happens to be more
to Dungeons and Dragons
-than you'd understand.
-I fucking knew it!
It's okay Ellen. He's old,
and old people fall asleep.
That's just what they do.
I might have just given him
a little bit too much alcohol.
-[SCOFFS]
-Is he dead?
-Oh, my God, have we killed him?
-Well, I didn't kill him.
If anything it was Ellen
who killed him
by boring him to death
talking about fucking
elves and warlocks!
-I didn't kill him!
-He's still breathing.
He's just unconscious.
How are we gonna get him
to take his penis out
if he's unconscious?
[SHUDDERS]
Fuck it. Hold this a second.
-Oh, yeah.
-MACEY: What are you
doing, Savanna?
What are you gonna do?
Savanna?
We're just gonna take
a couple of pictures.
-Jesus, no.
-It's completely fine.
-Do it.
-Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, God.
-Oh, God, this dick
is fucking old.
-Be gentle.
-Wait, there it comes.
-RICHARD: Oh! Look who's here.
-Don't look.
-I don't want to.
-SAVANNA: There we go.
-[ALL GROANING]
Great. Quick, quick, quick.
Take some--take some pics.
I have completely lost sight
of what we're doing here.
-Ellen, get in the photo.
Come on, come on, quick.
-Is that really necessary?
Yes, yes. It's no good
if she's not in the photo!
Then it's just an old man
with his dick out on a bench.
God, that's not gonna cut it.
MACEY: Okay, there, we got it.
Now, just, put it away.
-You put it away!
-You literally just got it out,
so just-- [MUMBLES]
Yeah, and it was horrible, okay?
Exactly my point.
I took it out.
I'm not putting it back.
Someone else do it.
Not it.
-[GRUMBLES]
-MACEY: Fine!
I'll do it then.
Okay, okay. Let--let me.
-No, I said I would do it.
-No, allow me.
I said I've got it, Richard.
Stop it. Don't touch it.
Give it to me.
Give me that penis.
-Give me the--
-Richard, I've got it.
-[BOTH CHATTERING]
-Macey?
Geoff, hi!
Hi! What are you doing here?
I had some time off work so
thought I'd come by to see you.
Oh, that's--
Mmm.
Are--are those flowers for me?
That's really sweet, honey.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Why were you--?
Why were you just
holding that old man's penis?
Was I?
Yes!
Uh...
Okay.
You know what?
-I really was thinking
of not going to Alaska.
-[GASPS]
-I gotta go.
-No, no!
-Geoff! Geoff!
-GEOFF: No!
-GEOFF: I'm gone.
-Oh, wait!
HILDA: What the fuck
is going on?!
Oh, hi, Hilda.
Why is his dick
hanging out of his pants?!
Bill!
[GROGGY] Hilda?
You told me you'd given it up!
I have!
Just get off my estate!
Uh, wait a minute!
Put your dick back
in your pants and go,
before I call the police!
-[SOBBING]
-MACEY: Oh, God!
-BEATRICE: Oh, Jesus!
-MACEY: I'll call the doctor.
[HILDA GAGGING]
[CHATTERING]
-Somebody give her
the kiss of life.
-You do it!
She looks like Cujo!
I'm not kissing her!
-I'm calling the doctor.
-Okay.
[GAGS]
BEATRICE: Can you
release the brake?
Oh, God!
-[VIDEO PLAYS ON PHONE]
-What is that?
-Mm-hmm.
-[GROANS]
[DOOR OPENS]
How is she, Doctor?
I think it's time
for saying goodbyes.
-Okay.
-Okay.
-Sorry.
-Yeah.
No. Thank you.
MACEY: Thank you.
[]
[GRUNTS]
I'll give you a moment alone.
-[RAGGED BREATH]
-MACEY: She's coming around.
SAVANNA: Hi, Aunt Hilda.
Hilda, you gave us
quite a scare.
You were frothing at the mouth.
We thought maybe you had rabies.
So, I know, Aunt Hilda, this is
probably the last thing
you wanna think about, but, um,
it'd be really great
if you could sign something
saying that the Estate
is shared by all of us.
Um, so that when you're gone
there aren't any issues.
We had something drawn up.
And if you could just
sign right there.
[WHISPERS]
Is this legally binding?
As long as no one contests it.
-Oh. Aunt Hilda?
Oh, no, Hilda. Hilda,
you didn't finished signing!
-Don't die yet.
-BEATRICE: Hilda? Hilda?
-Hilda?
-Hilda! Aunt Hilda!
-MACEY: Hilda?
-You didn't finish signing it.
Right here, that last line.
-[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
-[HILDA GRUNTS]
SAVANNA: Oh... uh...
Aunt Hilda, I--I just--
I just wanna, like, thank you
so much because, uh, you know,
this is all gonna--
It's gonna change our lives.
-Bingo.
-Thank you.
-[INAUDIBLE WHISPER]
-Yes, Aunt Hilda?
-Yeah.
-What is it, Aunt Hilda?
You're all assholes.
[FINAL EXHALE]
[]
Oh, is it...?
-Good.
-Was that--?
[]
She's right, you know?
We are all assholes.
I mean, we behaved
like vultures trying to
get her money, and for what?
Are you gonna feel better,
Richard, now that you can
get yourself a new Porsche?
Is that gonna
make you feel whole?
And what about you, Beatrice?
Will it make you feel better
being able to show the world
that you're successful?
Even though it cost you
every meaningful relationship
you've had?
And we're no better, Savanna.
-Well, maybe a little better-
-Look at what we did
to get her money.
Aunt Hilda was a lonely,
miserable woman,
and we used her.
And we sacrificed our dignity,
our integrity,
our morality
I mean, we are bad people.
[RICHARD EXHALES DEEPLY]
I'm gonna go
for a Starbucks run.
-Does anybody want? Yeah?
-Oh, I wanna go. Yeah.
My treat. Huh?
[]
Hey.
I really wanna get one too.
-Fine.
-Okay.
Um...
Yeah.
-Savanna?
-Yeah?
Can you get me an almond latte?
You got it, babe.
You can see it
everywhere you look
PRIEST: Ashes to ashes,
dust to dust.
[GAME SOUNDS ON PHONE]
PRIEST: In sure and certain hope
of resurrection
to eternal life.
Last time we made our vows
If you want a shoulder
to cry on later...
-I'm fine, thank you.
-...right here.
[QUIET CHATTERING]
-MAN: Maybe she wasn't mean.
-WOMAN: I don't know about that.
People, they ain't no good
People
They ain't no good
People, they ain't no good
[RESTLESS EXHALE]
[ATTORNEY CLICKING PEN]
ATTORNEY: Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Yes...
Oh, fuck me! Come on!
Tell us what we've won already!
Ah. So, I have here
the details of Hilda's Estate,
the value of which,
including the house and
all other physical assets,
comes to a grand total of...
-Oh, my God!
-RICHARD: Come on!
-$17,415,038.17
-[ALL CHEERING]
Oh, Hildy you lovely bitch!
[CHEERING INTENSIFIES]
Unfortunately, that doesn't
account for the debts
that Hilda had accrued
over the years.
These include taxes in arrears
for a total of 25 years,
plus interest
and late fee payments.
So that the final value of the
estate with debts accounted for,
comes to... $38.17.
What was that? I--I--
I think I misheard.
Thirty-eight dollars
and 17 cents?!
What even is that
split four ways?
That's my sister.
I told you she was a cunt.
There is one other thing.
Before she died,
Hilda stipulated
to separate from the estate
a particular painting.
One called "Dog",
which she requested be
registered to the ownership of
Macey Williams,
because, and I'm quoting here,
"It always reminded me of her,
and how depressing her life is."
-SAVANNA: What...?
-End quote.
[]
[DOOR OPENS]
[DOOR CLOSES]
You know, I thought a lot about
what you said about me
sacrificing my relationships.
Oh, Beatrice, I was just upset.
And I thought you were right.
It makes sense, you know.
I messed up with James.
I messed up with you.
And I thought, you know,
it was time to do
some self-reflecting.
Well, I think that's great--
And then I thought, "Fuck that!"
It's not me, it's them.
And if they can't handle
me being me,
fuck 'em.
I guess that's another way
to look at it. Yeah.
You know, whatever.
Yeah, okay. You too.
Well, I guess I'm heading
back to Florida in the same
Porsche I arrived in.
Oh, Richard.
We all feel really,
really sorry for you.
You gotta roll with the punches.
What do you think?
You want to finally
give into your destiny
and come with me to Florida?
See what happens when we put
these two assholes together?
No, thank you.
Sure, that's cool.
Fair enough.
Savanna?
Okay. Beatrice is, uh--
She's gone?
-She's gone.
-All right.
Maybe you should try with
someone you're not related to.
Just a thought.
Home is where the heart is.
[SNIFFS] Oh.
I got a long drive ahead of me.
Dick out.
[]
I'm so sorry, Macey.
I really wanted us to be able
to get Geoff to stay.
I mean, I--I wanted
to be really rich, as well,
but... I really wanted
Geoff to stay.
-Oh. I love you.
-I love you.
[GEOFF SOBBING]
[]
[CAR SPUTTERING]
Why is my intelligence a four
but my wisdom is an eight?!
-ELLEN: Okay, but roll--
-It makes no fucking sense!
-[EXASPERATED GASP]
-SAVANNA: Oh, Macey,
you're late!
-You're not gonna believe this!
-She!
She's saying I lost
my invisibility cloak
when I only just now got it!
Well, you shouldn't
have let the ranger pass
through the forest!
Oh, for fuck's sake!
God! You know what?
I blame this fucking painting.
This dog has been
staring at me all night,
and it's really
throwing my game.
I'm getting sick
of looking at it.
In fact, you know what?
I am going to take it out back
and kick the living shit
out of it.
-Macey, do you mind?
-Do whatever you need to do.
[SAVANNA GROANS]
-What is that?
-It fell out of the painting.
Goddamn it,
I'm gonna burn this shit.
What does it say?
It's an appraisal
for the painting.
It says it's worth $4.3 million.
[GASPING]
[EXCITED SCREAMS]
Savanna!
Savanna!
[PANTING]
[DOGS BARKING FAINTLY]
[FAINT TRAFFIC SOUNDS]