The Fake News with Ted Nelms (2017) Movie Script

Welcome to "The Fake
News." I'm Ted Nelms.
Thanks for inviting
me into your home.
I love what you've
done with the place.
We've got a lot to get to,
so let's jump right in.
First, Hurricane Randy
on the warpath.
Destination, Florida. Main
course, massive damage.
All that despite having
the really laid-back,
cool name of Randy.
Then, President Trump still
trapped at the bottom of a well.
After seven days, are we any
closer to a successful rescue?
And an exclusive with
Senator Bill Cassidy
on his failed attempt
to eat an entire cow.
Am I disappointed?
It is a
disappointment for myself.
I am Ted Nelms, and this
is "The Fake News."
Dun, da-da-dun, da-da-dun
[ Music ends ]
[ Chord plays ]
[ Chord, chimes play ]
[ Chords play ]
[ Chord plays ]
Welcome to the TFN
I'm Ted Nelms.
Let's get started in
Florida with team coverage
of Hurricane Randy.
We've got Abby Wofsy
running late a few blocks away,
McCoy in a tree,
and Mark Telfer
is bearing the brunt
of the storm
in the Florida Keys.
Thanks, Mark.
Thanks, Ted. I'm here...
Not so fast.
Mark, let's go to TFN meteorologist Jane Gordon
standing by in the
TFN Severe Weather Lounge.
Ted, moments ago,
Hurricane Randy
was upgraded from a
category 4 to a category 5.
Oh, my God!
Jane, explain
for our viewers,
but not to me,
because I already know,
the difference
between a category-4
and a category-5 hurricane.
- Well, it's one
worse, Ted. -Got it.
Now the storm surges
could be as high as 10 feet.
To put that in everyday terms,
an African pygmy mouse
is 1.8 inches long.
If you strap 66.667 pygmy
mice end to end on a board,
then turn
that board vertically,
the height of
the mice would be the height of the storm surge.
And, for
our viewers who may be in Randy's path,
what should they do?
Learn a second language
or a musical instrument.
It will enrich
your life immeasurably.
Great advice.
Thanks, Jane.
Now, over
to the Florida Keys,
where Randy
is expected to leave nothing but rubble.
Mark Telfer is there.
Mark, news
me right in the face!
Hi, Ted.
Here in the Keys,
residents are
racing to prep for the storm
by boarding
up their homes,
tying down loved
ones, and fleeing town.
Meanwhile, the National
Guard is stockpiling on diesel,
clean water, and canned
goods for hundreds of reporters
like me who are an
unnecessary burden on the community.
Now, Mark, I
was expecting the scene
to be a little more intense.
Well, Randy hasn't
made landfall in the U.S. yet,
Ted, so it's still
relatively calm here.
But is it making
landfall elsewhere?
Yes, it is, Ted.
Oh, hi, Jane.
Oh, hi, Ted.
The Italian
Antilles are being pummeled
by the hurricane as we speak.
That sounds terrifying.
Mark, I can't
believe you'll be reporting
from that location
next time we see you.
Well, that is going to
be a little bit difficult, Ted.
They have banned all
travel to and from the islands.
All the
more incredible that you're going to
find a
way to get there. God, I admire you, Mark.
Yeah. Okay, Ted.
Later, evacuation or evacu-cation?
Could this
mandatory doomsday exodus
turn into that
relaxing getaway your family has been craving?
But first, a quick correction.
Yesterday, we
reported on a new theme park
that allows
visitors to live out their Wild West fantasies
with the help
of lifelike robots.
That turned
out to be a TV show.
[ Scooter
crashes ] Man: Ow!
Randy isn't the only major crisis
facing America --
President Donald Trump,
still stuck in a well.
Gail Claymore
is live at the scene.
Gail, on your
mark, get set, news.
[ Gunshot ] Hi, Ted.
We are here in a remote corner
of the
White House grounds
where the President
remains trapped in a well
like a helpless child.
Here's a look back on
just how America found itself
in this extraordinary pickle.
It was
just one week ago
that the President
somehow stumbled
into this
abandoned well.
came the denials.
Boorman: So
despite these well rumors,
you stand by
the official statement
President Trump is merely vacationing
on his
private island hunting other humans for sport?
I think I made pretty
clear where the President is.
But then came the tweets.
"Failing media won't
give Trump credit.
Nobody has ever gone inside
a well this deep before.
I have the best well."
Initial attempts at
a rescue immediately fail
when first responders
realize their rope is too short.
Then, an unsettling
tweet from the President --
"Feeling lonely and scared
but grateful for this time alone
to contemplate the true value
of character, honor,
kindness and empathy.
Though my fate is uncertain,
I am not afraid,
for I know America is greater
than any one president,
and her truths will live on,
even if I do not."
But concerns over his
mental health are put to rest
when the President tweets
again, calming an anxious nation.
"Forget what I said before!
America is carnage!
Obama is a Muslim!
Suck my bonespurs. #MAGA."
Then tragedy strikes.
From Washington DC, the
news is apparently official.
Donald Trum... p's
cellphone battery...
has died.
And today, day
seven, yet another new rope,
and, Ted, it's still too short.
Gail, I have to
believe that there is a rope
long enough to
reach the President.
There just isn't, Ted.
They've looked.
- In the garage?
- I would assume, yes,
I will get back to you on that.
Okay. Thank you, Gail.
now to our panel,
is falling in
a well presidential?
I'm joined by Grant
Burdock, who used to host this show
until he was caught
lying about his military record,
and presidential
historian Nora Samuels-Newman.
Nora, is there
precedent for this?
Not exactly,
Ted, but, yes, a lot.
Benjamin Harrison spent three
months in the belly of a whale,
but back then, presidents
didn't matter very much.
Grant, presidential?
Ted, I'm offended
by the idea that presidents
have to act a
certain way simply because
they happen to be president.
That's just... racist.
No, it isn't.
And for another angle,
let's turn to
Stu McCoy in a tree.
Stu, is the President
being presidential?
Not sure, Ted.
I'm in a tree.
Sorry. I've
got to cut away.
news in the murder trial of Branson Sutcliffe,
heir to the
Sutcliffe Caramel fortune.
Sutcliffe Caramel
Real cream
Real yummy
Let's go live
to Chase Terry, who is outside the courthouse.
Chase, what's happening?
Hi, Ted.
Sutcliffe's attorneys
have called a
sudden press conference.
As you can see, the
podium behind me is filled
with microphones indicating
an important announcement.
Surely, they'll
arrive any moment now.
we should check back in later, Chase.
Ted. Ted, uh, right now,
I'm sensing a palpable shift
in the energy out here
much the same way a herd of elk
would sense a
predator in their midst.
Surely, the defense team
will be arriving right... now.
Right now.
Whispers ] Right -- Right now.
Okay. Chase,
why don't we check back in with you later?
Oh, hey, Ted! Uh, uh,
Ted, um, I have a new development.
I don't know. I don't know.
Chase, we
got a lot to get to.
When we return, Hurricane
Randy... [ Guitar riff plays ]
..can't stop, won't stop,
plus, is there
a moose in your house?
The answer
may surprise you.
And I hold President
Trump's feet to the fire
in an exclusive
pre-well interview.
Okay. Let's role-play for a minute.
Pretend I'm Bruce
Willis in "The Sixth Sense."
And you see dead people?
No, the kid sees dead
people. Bruce Willis is the ghost.
Remember? I mean,
it's a little complicated.
Bruce Willis is a dead person,
so I guess he
also sees dead people,
but that's not
the gimmick of the movie.
you want to just watch it again?
Can't do that.
Forget it.
Announcer: "TFN"
-- Opiate of the masses.
And we're back. In a minute,
Hillary Clinton opens up
on the surprising
amount of feces
in the State
Department hallways.
I was
very disturbed by that, and I thought,
"You know, we
need to bring it up.
Don't pretend
that you can hide it
under the rug
or in the corner."
But first, the
Trapped-nited States of In-a-well-merica --
our continuing coverage
of President Trump
trapped in a well.
Let's check back in
with Gail Claymore.
Gail, have you ever had a dream
where your hands fall off?
I've had dreams
where all my teeth fell out.
Yeah. That's
This is different.
What's happening at the well?
getting dire, Ted.
Rescuers are running out
of options and, frankly, patience.
I'll be
honest with you.
These are some of the
best America has to offer,
and even they are losing steam.
Gail, Gail, Gail.
[ Chuckles ]
One second.
There's a guy behind you
an absolute cutup. Find out who that is.
Sir, can you
come here for a second?
Can you please give us your name?
[ Chuckles ] Uh...
Mike --
Rotch." [My Crotch]
Very pleased
to make your acquaintance, Mr. Rotch.
Will you tell us
a little about yourself?
Uh, I saw the camera,
and I was just, like,
"What if"
-- I don't know.
Mr. Rotch,
let me tell you
what you just
did right there -- You took a tense moment,
and you
imbued it with levity,
telling America
it's okay to smile again,
and I, for one,
thank you for that.
[ Chuckles ]
It's good stuff.
It's just good stuff.
I'm looking
forward to the next national tragedy
just to see what
you do with it, Mike.
Gail, give
him your cell number.
-Awesome. -What?
Being in a well might not
be good for a president's survival
or hygiene, for that matter,
but what does it
do to his approval ratings?
Well, it turns out, it
helps quite a bit, actually,
and his Republican
colleagues have taken notice,
many jumping
into wells of their own.
Hunter: [ Echoing
] Trump is in charge.
The President
knows what he's doing.
Harris: [ Echoing ]
So what we're going to do
is we're going to
follow the President's lead.
Ryan: [ Echoing ] I
think it's in our interest
to have party unity.
And no surprise,
the Democratic response
to the President's
situation has been swift,
fierce, and well coordinated.
Um, uh...
Uh, uh...
Uh, ah...
[ Indistinct chatter ]
Bold words. We'll
see if they can make good
on those promises.
Of course, many
Americans are asking
what it's
like inside the well.
What's President
Trump going through?
Our own augmented-reality
correspondent, Karl Boormann,
is here to
give us a virtual look.
Thanks, Ted. First
off, the well is 5 feet wide,
which is about the size
of a common floaty toy,
perhaps a unicorn, which
would help the President
if the well filled
up with liquid
unless that liquid were acid,
in which case the President
would be instantly dissolved.
But, as of now,
the well is dry,
likely strewn with garbage,
Gatorade bottles,
cigarette butts,
old nudie mags, Penthouse,
Club International,
that sort of thing.
And since the well
was dug in 1881,
have to assume the President
is currently surrounded
with human skeletons,
a grounds keeper,
Warren G. Harding's
mistress, and so forth.
seems a little outlandish.
Does it, meat puppet?
[ Chuckles ] Well,
this is my realm,
a binary reality
of ones and zeros!
You can't catch me, Ted,
for I am the
[ Distorted voice ] Data Lord!
[ Laughs maniacally ]
Pure information!
Unbound by the petty
strictures of matter,
manipulating cyber pulses
in a digital orchestra.
[ Normal voice ]
H-H-H-H-H-H-H-Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Okay. Thanks, Carl.
He does
this. He'll tire himself out eventually.
In the meantime,
Target has released
a new litter of
seasonal workers
from its corporate
birthing sack.
Genetically identical
team members
will be put down after
the holiday rush.
Returning now to
Hurricane Randy.
[ Guitar riff plays ] Not
every story of the storm
is a nightmarish fox-trot with
a dance partner named Death.
Sometimes it's an uplifting
waltz with a homespun hero.
tonight's "Good Samari-cans,"
we spotlight one man
who is helping out.
Aliena: Meet
Charlie Shelton,
a data specialist
from Youngstown, Ohio.
the founder of a charity
that collects an item most
relief organizations overlook.
So this is the panty pantry.
This is it.
Reporter: The panty pantry.
It may look like an
ordinary suburban garage,
but inside is a meticulously
organized collection
of female undergarments
waiting to clothe needy
disaster survivors.
When our crack team
of TFN Helper Hunters
discovered your website,
I was literally blown
away by your dedication
to the cause that every woman,
man, and child needs underwear.
Just women's panties, though.
Why specifically panties?
I mean, if you think
about it, it's, like, the hardest thing,
probably, to get in a
disaster situation.
There's some crazy disaster,
and -- and
-- and you just need panties, right?
How are you going to get them?
Nobody has got panties.
Yeah. They're out
of generators.
They're out of panties.
I just
felt like this was, like --
This is where I can
do the most --
This is where I can
do the most good.
But if Charlie Shelton's
going to do the most good,
he's going to need a little
help from the rest of us.
And how can people donate to
this amazing, inspiring cause?
Just send,
you know, send, like, all the panties
that you can... Uh-huh. the address
on the website.
And you want fresh
packaged underwear?
Oh, god, no. What?
Yeah, no.
I mean, if
-- I-i-if that's what you have, sure.
Ideally, it's been -- You know,
it's a little lived-in, right?
So, yeah.
Just send them to the
address on the website,
all types, it doesn't matter
[ Whispers
] and you don't have to wash them.
I'm sorry. What?
You don't have to wash them.
So you wash them all here?
Don't worry about it.
We take care of it. Great.
Don't -- Don't worry about it.
I didn't say anything.
Okay. I didn't either.
And that's just one
way that every day,
good samari-cans
are pitching in.
I'm Aliana Aliena, proud to
have made my own donation
this inspiring new effort.
inspiring story, right, Stu McCoy in a tree?
What? Never mind.
Yet another
breaking news story, so many today.
TFN has confirmed that
famed ventriloquist
Eric Lepay has died.
The world will miss Lepay
and his beloved gaggle of puppets.
Our hearts go
out to all of them,
as well as the
215 other passengers
who were onboard
his flight when it crashed.
Eric Lepay, you will be missed.
Thanks, Ted.
Guns. Guns?
Half of
America thinks they're instruments of death
designed for killing fellow human beings,
and the other
half is against them.
Last night,
I hosted TFN's "Gun Control Town Hall."
Here's where
things got real.
But that's a tired argument.
Then go to Denmark!
What are you doing here?
- Okay. All right. -Yeah.
Okay. One at a time.
Robert, you were saying?
I was saying
the data is staggering.
There are now
more guns than children.
That's arbitrary
and meaningless.
It's true.
gun ownership
is a
constitutional right.
Guys, what do you
say we just take this
out of the
abstract and make it real?
[ Gunshot ]
-Oh! -Aah!
[ People screaming ]
[ Groaning ]
[ Whimpering ]
It's okay.
It's okay. Relax.
Bethany, you just saw gun violence firsthand.
[ Groaning ]
How are you feeling,
and what are you thinking?
[ Voice breaking ] Uh, maybe,
if there was a -- a good guy
with a gun who, maybe, could
have been here to intervene...
It's a good point, and
a good guy with a gun
could definitely
have stopped me from shooting a second person,
but he'd have no
way of knowing that I've been planning to shoot
ever since we invited him on this panel.
[ Groaning ]
[ Chuckling
] How did this get so weird all of a sudden?
Just a reminder
-- that awesome town hall
airs tonight at 9:00.
I'm joined
now by TFN legal correspondent Glen Burke.
Glen, do you think
a good guy with a gun
could have made
a difference there?
Ted, the bigger
issue right now is that you
shot a man
on television.
You're going to be
charged with attempted murder.
Nice try,
Glen. I think we all know the only thing
I'm guilty of is
journalistic excellence.
Once again,
that full town hall will air tonight at 9:00.
Yeah. I just don't
think you should air it.
pretty graphic, and it's awful,
and you're definitely
going to be arrested, Ted.
Okay. Let's go with
your premise for a second.
Am I off the
hook if the victim refuses to press charges?
I turn to
you, Mr. Frammell. Are you going to snitch?
Uh. [ Chuckles ]
You know, Ted, it's
immaterial whether or not
the victim testifies.
The entire crime
was caught on television,
and then you aired it, and
it's also probably not a good idea
to intimidate
your victim on television.
You're just making
a bad situation worse.
Yeah. Okay.
Thanks, Glen.
- Mm-hmm.
- Robert, watch your back.
A note to
our viewers -- This discussion falls under
privilege, so, in sharing this clip,
use the hashtag #AttorneyClientPrivilege,
and, while you're doing that,
don't forget to
follow me on Twitter,
review me on Airbnb,
swipe right on Tinder,
tickle me on Boo Guru,
pang me on Tang Hub,
and hi-herp me on Ger,
beflew me on Harhou!
And flacka me on Flololo!
watching "The Fake News."
This is "The Fake
News with Ted Nelms,"
I'm pretty sure that's me.
Later in the hour, Secretary
of State Rex Tillerson
finally meets the man America
voted for him to have sex with.
We shall see.
And there they go.
We'll find out how that
went later in the hour.
But, first, let's check
in on Hurricane Randy,
currently making landfall
over the Italian Antilles.
Mark Telfer is there so you
and your family don't have to be.
Mark, how deadly
are things looking?
Well, it is a scene
of utter hell here, Ted.
Officials are
saying it could take decades
to rebuild this
already tattered island.
Mark, the ocean behind you
looks like a roiling cauldron.
Could you possibly
get a little closer
to give us a better
view of its magnificent power?
Probably not, Ted.
A CNN reporter
was nearly swept away
just an hour
ago in this very spot.
It sounds
extremely dangerous, Mark.
Why not get a little closer?
Well, I'm already as close
as one can get to the storm, Ted.
Excuse me, Ted.
Mark could
actually get closer.
is a tiny island just a few miles east
of his current location.
I knew it!
Ted, the island that Jane
is referring to is uninhabited.
There are no people
there, no animals there.
There are certainly
no reporters there.
Ted, it's
a death trap.
Sure, Mark, but
how can you expect anyone to understand that
without seeing
you in the middle of it?
I'm a journalist, Ted.
they just take my word for it?
Pics or it didn't
happen, Mark. You know that.
Mark Telfer putting
his life on the line,
so you don't have
to, and why would you?
That would be insane.
Moving on from Old
England to New England.
Queen Elizabeth II has
signed a 3-year contract
the New England Patriots.
Her signing bonus?
A silver marmot.
I'm getting word that lawyers
for murderous rich kid
Branson Sutcliffe have begun
their press conference.
Our own Chase Terry is
still on the scene.
Let's cut to the chase!
Hi, Ted.
The tension outside
the Geffen Courthouse
is palpable.
Correct me
if I'm wrong, Chase.
It appears
Sutcliffe's lawyers still haven't arrived?
have not, but I do have someone
who was
inside the courtroom.
This is custodian Roy Baker,
who was just in
the courtroom last night.
Mr. Baker, what
was it like in there?
It was a real mess.
It was like someone
spilled a soft drink
or juice, real sticky.
What was the mood
like in the courtroom?
Pretty spooky.
I thought I
heard a voice once.
Okay, Chase. We
really need to not call in
unless there
is something happening.
Well, there is
actually a lot happening here.
We've got some
spooky voices, spills...
Chase, you don't have to
do all this to get my attention.
What? Why would I...
Just because your
mom and I are dating,
doesn't mean I'm trying to replace your dad.
I mean that. Okay?
All right.
And now for a
little a-news-bouche.
What happens
when a regular person
becomes a real-life superhero?
A brave bystander
saving a mother
who is carrying her daughter
who is carrying
her pet rabbit.
His name is Stevie Rivera,
and he joins us via satellite.
Stevie, how does it feel
to be a beloved national hero
who looked the Grim
Reaper square in the face
and then courageously
spat right in his empty eyehole?
Uh, I don't know about that.
I was just trying to get home,
and it looked like
they were in serious trouble,
and I thought,
"These guys might not make it
if I don't help them."
Well, that
woman and her daughter owe their lives to you.
I'm just
glad they're safe.
And let's not
forget the rabbit, whose name, I understand,
is Shoe?
I'm happy to
know Shoe is okay, too.
Now I just
called Shoe a he,
but is that the
rabbit's actual gender?
I don't really know.
So you didn't
get a look at the rabbit's genitals at all?
I was mostly just focused
on getting everyone to safety.
That's amazing, Stevie.
I applaud you for
having the self-control
not to
spread some fur apart
and take a
peek at that little rabbit's undercarriage
to see what you're working with, right?
I just wasn't
concerned about that.
Okay. Well, Stevie,
before you go, I have to ask --
Are you running
for President in 2020?
That had not
even crossed my mine.
All right. Well,
whatever you decide,
always be a hero who saved two women and Shoe,
the gender-fluid rabbit.
Thanks for stopping by.
Thanks for having me.
Later on "The Fake News,"
virtual pornography
for the elderly.
Find out how it could help you
save on your heating bill.
And tensions are rising
near the Sea of Japan
after North Korea
conducts a test
of its controversial
new fart bombs.
Yikes. Do not go in there,
and by there, I mean
the Sea of Japan.
watching "The Fake News."
Announcer: "TFN" -- Who's
gonna stop us, you?
Welcome back to "The Fake News."
Later in the hour,
Senator Claire McCaskill
learns professional
wrestling is not real.
Are you kidding?!
But first, an unsettling
development in the story
of self-styled hero
Stevie Rivera.
A Facebook photo has
emerged in which Rivera
appears to mock recording
artist Nicki Minaj.
The backlash has been
swift and fierce.
Mr. Rivera joins me now
to discuss this
disturbing revelation.
Mr. Rivera,
you let America believe you were a selfless,
real-life Superman,
solid marriage material,
now, we're all saying, "Hang on."
Are you the best
person ever, or the worst lowlife in history?
I think maybe neither.
I mean, I definitely
did not mean to offend anyone.
My friend Joanna asked
if she could use my face
to make a funny party
invite, and I said "sure."
Uh-huh. Listen
to these tweets.
"You suck"
and "You're sexist,"
and this one
really surprised me --
"Go kill yourself!
# gross."
That last
one is particularly harsh, and I wrote it.
It sounds like I hurt
a lot of people's feelings,
and you know what? That's on me,
and I just need
to learn a little bit more
about these issues.
Do you regret
trying to fool America
into thinking
you were a hero by saving those people?
I don't know. Maybe next
time I'll just mind my own business.
Yeah, I think you should.
Shoe is a girl, by the way.
I had them send me
a picture of her genitals.
Stop assuming
all rabbits are boys.
Get off my show!
You make
me sick, #gross,
and I'd
like to issue a correction for something
I said earlier
in the broadcast.
It's not a good afternoon.
Later in the hour, Mick
Mulvaney settling into
his new role as acting
director of Nightmares.
By the way, I'm just
learning about the powers
I have as acting director.
would frighten most of you.
first, Internet trolls --
they're coarsening our discourse
and dividing our nation.
Is there anything
we can do about it?
Let's turn,
again, to our panel.
Joining Grant and Nora
is Grammy-nominated
folk flautist Peter Thrush.
[ Jazzy
flute music plays ]
That ruled.
Peter, did you write that or improvise it?
-Improvised. -Nice.
Artists are
often unfairly targeted by the troll community.
As a musician,
how would you deal with a troll assault?
Well, Ted, after
getting over the initial shock
of finding out
trolls are real creatures,
I'd look for a weapon
to fight them, like a spear.
No. No, no, no.
I'm sorry.
We're talking
about Internet trolls,
are people who say mean things online
because they
hate themselves.
Sorry. I [clears
throat] misunderstood.
Yeah. I think you did.
But, you
know, you raise an interesting point.
What if these
trolls were actual trolls?
Nora, your thoughts?
Look, Ted. If only
10% of America's bridges
have trolls, that's still
a staggering number of trolls!
It is. That's a
terrifying statistic, if true.
Grant, trolls? Talk.
I would conjecture that
we are not prepared for this.
They can emerge at any time,
attack axes
glinting in the moonlight.
Well, no.
I would argue that our military is equipped
to handle a
troll raiding party.
Yes, but you're
not taking into account
their possibly
bullet-proof skin.
Well, please let me finish.
I was about
to suggest that trolls
likely carry
unknown bacteria.
Look. Millions
dying of root plague
wish they had their skulls crushed in
by the first wave
of iron-battle boots.
But how would they know
now is the best time to strike
while our President
is stuck in a hole?
maybe the trolls got to the President first.
For more, we turn to Gail Claymore
live at the White House.
Gail, is the
President in danger?
We just don't know.
Even now, our
President may be in chains
working the
troll-slave mines.
That's a
horrible fate to imagine for our President.
Are there any
other possibilities?
Maybe, just as he
shocked America in 2016,
Trump has taken the
lava throne from King Tharg
and begun his
hypothetical reign
as Donald I, King of Subterranea.
But does Donald
Trump actually have a shot
at the granite crown?
For a deeper look, we turn
to TFN political analyst
Nelson Najar. Nelson?
Ted, assuming
Subterranea uses an electoral college,
Donald Trump
comes into this race with a lot of negatives.
He's never been a
disciplined campaigner,
and he's not a troll.
His soft
pink flesh will be seen as a mark of weakness
by the troll
voters if they exist.
Does Trump even have
a path to victory, here?
He does, and that
path's name is Tharg.
Okay. For those
unfamiliar with troll politics,
tell us about Tharg.
Tharg has been
around a long time,
and the Tharg name
carries a lot of baggage.
For all those
trolls saying, "This is Tharg's time to rule.
Get out of Tharg's
way or be sacrificed
to the blind
serpent of the pit,"
just as many think
it's time to hurl Tharg
into the sun at
the center of the Earth.
Break it down
on the map for us.
Trolls are
notoriously hard to poll
since they don't have
phones and may not exist,
but we can
assume that having fallen
from what trolls
think of as the sky,
Trump would be
worshipped as a deity.
And that's
appealing to voters?
It won't
play in the troll cities on the Volcano Coast,
but here, those are
the troll fungus farms.
Those farmers
are more religious,
they feel left out of the economic boom
that followed
King Grolzek's discovery
of the great spider's gold.
Those rural
trolls literally have an axe to grind.
I'm pegging
his chances at 83%.
Of course, margin
of error doesn't apply here
because it's
all made up, but look.
I wrote him
off on election day,
and I'm never
making that mistake again.
Thank you, Nelson. Now sleep.
After the break, Senator
Mitch McConnell
breaks his silence on
Thomas Edison's invention
of the light bulb.
What a terrific idea.
Later in the hour, my
exclusive pre-well interview
President Trump...
Assuming another
Supreme Court slot opens up
during your tenure,
who's on your short list?
I like Coach Belichick,
and Tom
Brady is my friend.
That's an
all-star lineup. in health news,
can humans eat sunshine?
The answer, which is
no, when we return.
Welcome back to "The Fake
News with Ted Nelms."
I'm your host, Ted Nelms.
Breaking news, Mark
Telfer's exclusive report
Hurricane Randy's assault
uninhabited island B-3-11-J.
Mark, paint us a news picture.
I'm barely... able
to hold on, Ted!
What's that, Mark? We can't
quite hear what you're saying.
said, "I'm really, really scared."
I don't think it was
a good idea to come here.
Yeah, but the footage!
Mark, the
footage is glorious.
Tell Rita that I'm
so-o-o-o-- oh!
Mark, Mark!
Uh -- Do we have him?
Is he there?
My God.
Ladies and
gentlemen, it, uh...
It appears the
unthinkable has happened.
We have lost a
colleague in the line of duty.
[ Inhales deeply ]
No matter
how experienced,
trusted or highly
rated a journalist you are,
you just really can't prepare
for a truly
senseless tragedy like this.
You've got to
ask yourself, "Why?"
Rest in
peace, Mark Telfer,
and if they don't...
I -- I slipped,
Chuckling ] but I think I'm okay.
Oh, we still got you.
All right.
Hey. He's alive.
Hey. What happened?
Well, I -- The --
Mark? Mark!
Is he gone?!
[ Whispers ] Is
he really gone this time?
You got to ask yourself, "Why?"
Rest in
peace, Mark Telfer,
and if St. Peter won't let
you through those pearly gates,
you just show
him your press pass.
God damn it, Mark!
You finally
got your scoop!
Later in the hour,
toast -- What is it?
Why is everybody suddenly
talking about it all the time?
search for answers.
And now, turning to "Dog News,"
no! No!
Down! No!
Now, turning back to
our human programming,
the makers of
weight-loss drug Novene
are under investigation
for covering up side effects
severe depression
and all of your skin
falling off in one big piece,
which, obviously,
results in a gruesome death,
but are the allegations true?
We'll get to the bottom of it.
Full disclosure
-- "The Fake News"
is a wholly owned
subsidiary of Novene.
Joining us here
for an objective breakdown
is TFN health
correspondent Amy Sussman,
who, full disclosure,
works for Novene,
legal analyst Eric
Hanson, who, full disclosure,
is an
attorney for Novene.
They're joined
by regular panelists
Nora Samuels-Newman,
who, full disclosure,
signed a gag order with
Novene in a previous lawsuit,
and Grant Burdock,
who, full disclosure,
just really
loves Novene.
Rounding out the panel
is a man in a brown overcoat,
who, full disclosure,
I don't recognize
and appears to think
this is a bar or diner.
Amy, let's
start with you.
Ted, there's no story here.
Okay. Eric?
This is a really
nothing burger, Ted.
Sorry, Ted, gag order --
lots to say,
but can't say it.
-Grant? -Love Novene.
them like candy, still got all my skin.
All right.
Overcoat guy?
You know,
I go to work. My boss breaks my balls.
I go home. My
wife breaks my balls.
I come here.
You break my balls.
Come on, Ted.
Another day,
another dollar, right?
You got it.
How in the hell did
you get in here, by the way?
Don't answer that.
I'm getting word
that first responders
at the White House well
are making another rescue attempt.
Let's go there live.
Ted, the rescuers
are using a vacuum
to try and
suck the President out,
but it doesn't
seem to be working.
Speaking of the President...
[ Paper rustles ]
it's getting harder and
harder to remember a time
he wasn't stuck in a well.
But not too long ago, he
wasn't stuck in a well,
and I sat down with
then-aboveground President Trump
for a little tte--Ted.
Let's take a look.
Mr. President, thank
you for sitting down with me.
I'm sure it's not
easy with your hemorrhoids.
Are they
getting worse?
It's like
they're emboldened.
Inhales sharply ] I'm so sorry.
Now you've been
president for almost a year.
How do you think you're doing?
It's really a bad
situation. It's really bad.
Don't be too
hard on yourself, sir.
America has had some
truly terrible presidents.
Surely you're familiar
with Warren G. Harding's legacy.
I did talk
to him about it. I want to help him with it.
I think he's a very good man.
We have a very
good relationship,
as you probably know.
Just to clarify,
Warren G. Harding died in 1923,
but you've been
consulting with his spirit?
It's a very
strange phenomenon.
We get along.
I don't
know if he'll admit this, but he likes me.
Sure. Just take his
advice with a grain of salt.
His administration was one
of the worst in American history.
Take a look at
what we've done, too.
We've made
a lot of mistakes.
How many people have
left flaming bags of poop
at the
White House door?
There was 109 people.
That's just beyond the pale.
They always
do that, not just me.
I mean, they
do it with everybody,
but you
have to get over it.
Well, I can't! Let's move on.
The Mexican border wall.
When are you going to build it?
Well, I think
I already have.
You did? When?
[ Chuckles ] That was fast.
How was
your last golf game?
It was
okay, but a lot of people were killed.
That's great.
Now, on a lighter note,
you recently joked about
putting a trapdoor in the Oval Office
that drops into a tank of sharks.
How is
that coming along?
We're going to be
putting it in fairly soon.
I think that,
yes, I would like to say by the end of the year.
So that wasn't a joke?
We'll see what happens.
Always keeping us
guessing. Well, Mr. President,
I cannot thank
you enough for your time.
If I could ask
you one more question,
of all the cable news
shows, which is your favorite?
It's "Fake News."
That means a lot.
My liege...
[ Fanfare plays ]
President Donald Trump.
He lives in a well now.
Breaking news -- In a story
everyone has been watching,
getting word that Wanda,
America's favorite pregnant
giraffe at the Minneapolis Zoo,
is about to give
birth to her calf.
Now, if
you're like me,
you have been
glued to the zoo's webcam.
I just love this.
I've been watching
this for the last 15 months.
I can not wait to
see this little miracle.
Let's throw it, right
now, to the big moment.
Is it happening?
actually happening.
There's my girl!
All right.
She is clearly
struggling, but very calm.
All moms are
heroes, aren't they?
Oh, now, if
you look closely, ho!
Oh, goodness.
It's -- It's --
Something is happening.
It appears to be the
front legs of the baby calf
just sticking right
out of her giraffe hole.
Ew. Did she lick it?
Did she lick it?
Oh. Agh.
I bet it's salty!
Agh! Ugh.
It's truly...
It's a miracle, isn't
it, the poetic wonder of --
Oh, dear God.
Oh, God!
And it's out!
[ Laughs ]
Aah! Oh,
it's a waterfall!
Oh, my God!
That can't be right.
There is so much coming out.
[ Vomiting ]
[ Spits ]
God, what
a horror show.
[ Sighs ]
Ahh. Good job, Wanda.
After the break, the
controversial plan
to build an oil pipeline
directly through this
Native American man.
watching "The Fake News."
A 1, 2.
A 1, 2, 3, 4.
[ Jazz-style drumming ]
[ Jazz music plays ]
Announcer: "TFN" -- The
"T" stands for "The."
[ Posh accent ] Eh, welcome
back to "The Fake News."
At the end of the hour, TFN film
critic/ House Minority leader
Nancy Pelosi takes on
"The Emoji Movie."
is really a stink-a-roo.
[ Normal voice ] Harsh
words, but first,
let's check in one more
time with Chase Terry.
Chase, how close are
we to the start of this press conference?
The conference
ended 5 minutes ago, Ted.
I tried to call
in, but no one answered.
I was probably
on the other line.
Can you just
tell us what happened?
It's impossible
to describe what happened.
You really
had to be here.
Well, we're going
to need you to do your best.
what reporters do.
Do you want to hear
what the defense attorney said?
Let's start there.
Okay. He said that...
This is a direct
quote, "No further questions."
[ Sighs ]
Okay. Chase,
can we
rap for a sec, not as anchor to reporter,
but as... man
to potential stepson?
Look. Your mom and I
really like spending
time with each other,
but I'm going to be honest.
I'm fumbling my way
through this, you know?
We all are.
Nothing about it
is easy for any of us,
after the show, you know, what do you say
we all have
a nice dinner together, the three of us?
I mean, I might
even make pancakes.
Breakfast for dinner?
[ Chuckles ] That
actually sounds kind of fun.
All right. I'm
proud of you, Chase.
Thanks, Ted, or
should I call you Dad?
I don't think
we're there yet, buddy.
More breaking news,
let's hurl it
back to Jane Gordon
in the severe weather lounge.
Hurricane Randy has just been upgraded
from a category 5.
But I thought five was the
highest category of hurricane?
We all thought
that, Ted, but the National Weather Service
has just
upgraded Hurricane Randy
from a category 5
to a Nazi. A Nazi?
[ Dramatic
music plays ]
- A Nazi, Ted.
- A Nazi hurricane?
Yes, Ted.
[ Wind whistling ]
Like, a hurricane
that's also a Nazi?
That's what our
data is telling us.
- A Nazi hurricane?
- Yes.
Like, a hurrica-Nazi?
Yes, or a Nazi-cane.
Let's go
with hurrica-Nazi.
Ted, even as a severe
weather professional...
Hang on, Jane.
[ Whistling stops ]
[ Slurping ]
[ Sighs ]
Okay. Go on.
In all my years
as a meteorologist,
I have never seen this.
Well, of course not.
You study meteors,
and TFN has
some more breaking news.
It appears white
nationalists are rallying in Florida
to support this hurrica-Nazi.
Shelly Wellington
is on the scene. Shelly?
Ted, the wind
is making it hard for these white nationalists
to light their torches,
and their signs
have mostly blown away.
Nazi-cane doesn't seem to care who it hurts,
including its
own ideological allies.
Now, Shelly, I've been
calling it a hurrica-Nazi.
I think that's a much
better name than Nazi-cane.
Agree to
disagree, Ted.
Cut her feed.
Now, onto Stu McCoy in the tree.
Stu, are we wrong to
be giving this hurrica-Nazi
such a public platform
for its disgusting ideology?
Yes, we are, Ted.
Stu, are you worried
you might die
like Mark Telfer?
I've got a real
good tree, here, Ted.
I'll be just fine. [ Chuckles ]
Well, if you think
you're about to die, Stu,
you let us know,
so we can cut to you.
Panel! What
are the political implications of all of this?
Republicans will really
benefit from the President
being physically unable
to say something divisive
at a time like this.
And we've set our
standards for him so low
that merely being
forced to stay silent
will be acclaimed as
presidential, and rightfully so.
We got
more breaking news.
FEMA officials
are speaking to the press
about Randy,
the hurrica-Nazi.
We go there live.
Ted. The press conference hasn't begun
just yet, but
I've got credible...
Damn it, Chase!
All right. What now?
Let's check in with Mark Telfer.
He's in the heart
of the storm, right?
What? Oh, yeah.
He's dead. Ah!
It's times like this
I could really use the humor
of Mike Rotch.
More breaking
news, miracle of miracles,
Mama Wanda
is having twins.
Don't show it!
[ Gags ]
[ Vomiting ]
Put a cork
in it, Wanda. God!
Oh! Something else.
Okay? Here we go,
TFN has just
learned that police have surrounded the TFN Studios.
They released
the following statement.
"Ted Nelms, you are under arrest
for the shooting
of Robert Frammell.
Come out with your hands up."
[ Chuckles ] But
you know what I say?
Never! Hyah!
Peter Thrush, your thoughts?
[ Jazz
flute music plays ]
Thank you for those
soothing tones, Peter.
I really needed that.
We're getting word
Gail Claymore has an update.
Gail, whassuuuuuup
at the White House?
Ted, rescue
efforts are shutting down,
so first responders
can get home in time
to watch their favorite shows.
Gail, there appears to
be some activity behind you.
What's happening?
What's that?
Oh, my God!
Uh, the President
is climbing out of the well.
He's made it out
of the well and is...
[ People screaming
in distance, static ]
Ladies and gentlemen, my
producers are telling me that,
that footage is cursed,
and anyone who watched it
will die in seven days.
And that's all the time we have.
Thanks for joining us.
Stay tuned for Lindsay
Tuhnite's show, "Lindsay Tuhnite Tonight."
Lindsay, what have you
got for us tonight?
Tonight, on "Lindsay
Tuhnite Tonight,"
talk to Ruth Bader Ginsburg
her stunning post-baby body.
Only 52 years after
her son was born,
and she's already ready
for swimsuit season.
Sounds like a great
show, Lindsay.
Thanks, Ted.
You're welcome.
All right. Ah-- Awesome.
-Yes. -What? Yeah.
-Indeed. -See you.
-Okay. -You got it.
-Copy that. -Mm-hmm.
-Yeah. -Sure.
-Thanks, Ted. -Uh-huh. See you.
-Okay. Great. -Ah-- What?