The Family McMullen (2025) Movie Script

1
Come on. Are you kidding me?
Is that a good-looking
frickin' bird or what?
Nice.
What are our thoughts
on Patty's boyfriend?
I didn't know he was coming.
Yeah, neither did I.
And for the record,
I am not at all happy about it.
Here's what I don't get.
What is my daughter
doing with this frickin' guy?
Why would you say
something like that?
He seems like
a very nice young man.
Because there's something
about him I don't trust
and I can see it in his eyes.
In his eyes?
He's too preppy. You know,
he's too put together.
I don't like that.
- "Put together" is a problem?
- Yeah.
And you know, he's not
particularly handsome, is he?
It occurred to me.
Who does he remind you of?
This guy right here.
Very funny.
So he's a nice, sweet,
put-together kid.
Probably goes to church
every Sunday, too.
Another strike against him.
See why you two
heathens don't like it.
Speaking of not going
to church, where's Leslie?
Are she and the kids coming?
What's going on?
Oh. Well, yeah.
No. Yes.
The boys are with
their significant others,
and Leslie and I...
Well, she decided that
she was gonna be in Fairfield.
- She always loved Fairfield.
- Beer here. Cold beer.
Always enjoyed Fairfield.
Tommy, great timing!
- Hi, Tommy.
- Hey.
You gotta try one
of our new brews, huh.
All right, you got it.
Hey, Dad, did you know
Patty's bringing the wannabe
blue blood to dinner today?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We were just discussing.
We're not happy about it.
You people are impossible.
Can we just give this kid
a chance, okay?
After all, it's Thanksgiving.
Hello, we're here.
Speak of the devil.
Patty, we're in the kitchen.
- Hi.
- Hi!
- Happy Thanksgiving.
- Hey, everyone.
- Wow!
- Sorry, we're a little late.
We were trying
to make a pecan pie.
This is the third attempt.
Third attempt's the charm.
Love it.
- Oh, hello. Hi.
- Hello. Hi, hi.
Hey there. How are you, TJ?
Happy Thanksgiving.
Can we get you a cold beer?
Dad, please.
We talked about this.
His name is Terrence Joseph
and you will
call him that, okay?
I know, but Terrence Joseph,
it's such a mouthful.
You never went by
anything short, huh?
Terrence Joseph.
Pay no attention to my brother.
Everyone in this house
will be happy
to call you
by your Christian name.
Oh, well, thank you.
And, yeah, beer would be great.
Here you go, handsome.
A pint of McMullen's finest.
And can I just say
that is a hell of a sweater, TJ.
Good to see you, buddy.
Oh, thank you.
And...
and Barry, can I just say
I wanted to thank you
especially for having me here
and let me join the family
on such short notice.
Or...
or should I call you Finbar?
Oh.
See, we got a wise guy
on our hands, do we, huh?
You put him up to that,
call me Finbar?
No, Dad, it is your name.
It is my name, that is true.
But there was only
one person on the planet
who was ever allowed
to call me Finbar,
and that was my mother.
Barry, I call you Finbar.
I call you Finbar.
All right, so there were
three people on the planet
who are allowed
to call me Finbar.
However, welcome to our home.
Why don't you guys
hang up your coats
and we'll sit down
to dinner shortly, all right?
Yeah, yeah. That sounds good.
Thank you, Barry.
Yeah, I'll be there.
Really?
Finbar.
Great job.
Terrence Joseph, welcome.
Before we dig
into this beautiful feast,
I'd like to say a few words.
I'd love for us to raise a glass
to what this day
is really about,
which is giving thanks.
I married
into the McMullen clan,
and I have always been
eternally grateful
that I get to be
a part of this family.
You know, after Jack died,
Barry, you and Patrick,
you... just took me
under your wing,
always made me
feel like I was home.
Of course, Thomas, Patricia,
I see you as my own,
and I just cherish this family.
I really do.
So, I am just grateful
that I get to sit here
at this table
with all of you today.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Happy Thanksgiving.
And speaking of giving thanks
and being grateful...
I have an announcement to make.
Terrence Joseph and I
are engaged.
Oh.
Oh, jeez.
What are you talking about?
You are engaged?
I mean, how long
has this been in the works?
Well, we have been talking
about it for quite some time,
so it really came as no surprise
when he popped
the question last night.
Well, it certainly is
a surprise to me, all right?
And I have to admit,
it kind of breaks my heart
and not because
I'm not happy for you,
but it's because TJ here
didn't have the decency
to come and get
my approval beforehand.
Dad, it's Terrence Joseph.
- We talked about this.
- Okay, then.
Terrence Joseph, be thankful
I'm not a traditionalist.
Otherwise, you and I would be
in the backyard right now
with the boxing gloves on.
You know, Dad, should you like,
I could go run up,
get the boxing gloves right now.
Unfortunately,
they're not joking.
Well, I'm a little shocked.
Because I would have thought,
you know, we would have
talked about this. Maybe...
We wanted it to be a surprise.
Well, mission accomplished.
Can you remind me
how long you've been dating?
Since law school.
And ever since the first date,
we just knew
we were on the same page
She's talking
about their life goals.
Certain benchmarks that they
wanna hit at the same time.
Weird Type A shit like that.
Well, you know,
I hate to rain on a parade.
But getting married
is not something
you wanna check off
your to-do list.
I mean, you make
a hasty decision,
it can affect your entire life.
Not to mention the fact
that you're both too young.
I mean, look at Dad.
He got married when he was
too young, both times.
And God forbid
you end up like me.
Listen, I actually don't think
it has so much to do with age.
Thank you, Aunt Molly.
I think it has more to do
with life experience.
That was what cursed
your Uncle Jack and me.
Specifically because
neither one of us
ever slept with anybody
before we got married.
That came back
to bite us in the ass.
Do you mind how? How so?
Oh, now he speaks.
Well, great question,
Terrence Joseph.
Their brother, Jack,
cheated on me.
Now, I did forgive him,
but I never forgot.
Or maybe I forgot,
but never forgave.
Either way,
after he had his affair,
I exacted my own vengeance,
and I had my own little fling.
- You did not.
- I did.
Couple of them, actually.
And you know what?
That's what showed me that
our marriage was a mistake!
I really don't think we need
to relive all that, Molly.
And I, for one...
don't want to let the
failures of other marriages
soil the advent of this one.
So if I may,
I'd like to propose a toast
to the newly engaged couple.
Yes, please do, Uncle Pat.
May we truly
celebrate the occasion today
marking the beginning
of your life-long commitment.
Lifelong, guys.
Let that sink in.
Dad, can you tell him
to shut up, please?
I think he and your aunt
are both making
very valid points.
When two people take each other
into their innermost hearts,
as you two clearly have done...
that love and trust
must never be taken for granted.
And sometimes...
sometimes it is.
I just want you...
to...
to have your love grow
and the joy grow
and not die and rot...
'cause you couldn't
forecast the disaster.
Good for you, kid.
Patty, Patty, take a minute
if you need a minute.
No, I'm all right.
I'm all right.
I...
I'd like to finish my toast.
I'm finishing my toast
to Patty and Terrence Joseph.
On this day,
we give thanks, don't we?
Especially...
to family.
To family.
What's the matter with you?
Losing your composure like that?
Can't even make a toast
without making
a spectacle of yourself.
Hey, Patrick.
What is going on, man?
Are you okay?
Let me ask you, Barry,
when you were over at Easter,
did you notice any friction
between Leslie and I?
No. No more friction
than usual.
Maybe it was just
easier to ignore
when the boys
were still at home.
Well, look,
I gotta be honest with you.
Ever since you guys
moved back from California,
she just hasn't seemed the same.
That's 15 years ago, man.
She's asked me to move out.
With us being empty nesters now,
she wants to start
a new chapter in her life.
- Jesus.
- Apparently, that chapter
will not include me.
Man. I'm sorry.
So what does that mean?
Are you out of the house now?
Looks like it.
So I was hoping
maybe I could stay here
with you a little bit.
Here? With me?
And I have a terrible feeling
that we are not just talking
about a one-night deal.
A few weeks, a month, tops.
Are you shitting me? A month?
"Give to the one who asks
and don't turn away the one
who wants to borrow."
- Matthew 5:42, Barry.
- I'm telling you right now.
You start quoting
the goddamn Bible,
you're not staying
another fucking minute,
let alone a month.
Holy shit.
Forgive him, Father.
He knows not what he does.
Wow.
Your Aunt Molly paints
quite a negative picture
of marriage, huh?
She makes it seem like
a hopeless endeavor
destined for failure,
sure to end in infidelity
and heartbreak.
Well, yeah, but just
because my Uncle Jack
was a jerk who cheated on her
doesn't mean that all guys
are liars and cheats, right?
But she makes
a compelling argument
regarding the whole
"how many people
have you slept with"
thing, you know?
Because neither one of us
has had a ton of experience.
You even less so than me.
And that doesn't bother me,
because that was my choice.
Yeah, all right.
So you're fine
having only slept with me?
You have no curiosity
about what it might be like
to be with somebody else?
No, but you're scaring me,
Terrence Joseph.
You should know that because
that's what's happening.
Well, guess what?
I'm scared, too, okay?
I'm terrified, actually,
and I blame your aunt for that.
But... I don't know.
Maybe she's right.
Maybe you need more experiences
under your belt before
you're ready to get married.
When you say "you,"
are you talking about
me specifically,
or the proverbial you?
Both?
And I only suggest it
because we do not want to end up
like your aunts and uncles
having affairs
and getting divorced
because we didn't
get everything out
of our system, do we?
So what are you suggesting?
Well, I think
we should take a break.
I'm sorry. I thought
I was ready to do this,
but I'm not.
You know, maybe we can each
go on a few dates...
see some other people,
and then we'll know
if we're really ready
to do this or not.
I don't need
any more experiences.
- I'm ready.
- Okay. Well, don't get upset.
Look, let's just take a month
like a trial separation.
And if it's meant to be,
then we'll know it.
And if not, then...
we save ourselves
all the pain and bitterness
that your relatives
seem to be suffering from.
Hey, look, you said it yourself.
Your Aunt Molly, she's been
like a second mother to you.
Well, let's listen to her.
You know, maybe she knows
what she's talking about.
There are no half-measures
in love, Terrence Joseph.
And I don't do
trial separations.
Patty, come on. Hey, look.
This is gonna be
good for the both of us!
What the hell just happened?
Did he just
break off our engagement
to hook up with other girls?
He did? Okay.
Oh, that was unexpected.
Not expected at all.
But you're gonna
pull it together, Patty.
You're not gonna cry
in the middle of the street.
If you're gonna cry,
you're gonna do it
some place you can be alone.
Oh, thank you.
Hold on. Molly McMullen?
- Oh, my God, Walter.
- Is that you?
Long time.
How have you been?
Good, good. I've been good.
- How are you?
- Good.
I'm just getting home with...
Thanksgiving with my girls.
I'm actually talking
to one of them right now.
- Hold on one sec.
- Oh, no.
Honey, can I call you
right back?
Yeah, I just ran
into an old friend.
Okay, okay.
I'll speak soon. Yup.
Bye.
- Sorry about that.
- Oh, no.
The girls just want to make sure
their old man got home
safe and sound.
How many years has it been
since I've seen
you and Cheryl? Jeez.
Yeah, so I guess
you hadn't heard.
Cheryl passed away
a couple of years ago.
- Oh, damn it. I'm sorry.
- Yeah.
Cancer's a bitch.
- As you well know.
- Yeah. All too well.
So you must be coming back
- from Thanksgiving with Barry?
- Oh, yeah.
Can't escape the McMullens.
So what's,
what's happening with you?
- Are you still teaching?
- No, no.
I started selling real estate
after, you know...
Needed a new start
with the girls grown
and out of the house.
Wow, it's so funny
because I've been looking for
a real estate agent,
because I think
it's finally time
to sell the old family house
out on Long Island.
The one that
Jack and I shared so...
Well, if you haven't
had it appraised,
maybe we could set up
an appointment if that's...
That would be great.
That would be great.
All right. Do you wanna...
You wanna just
put your number in and...
- Sure.
- Great.
- There you go.
- All right.
- Okay, great to see you. Yeah.
- Great to see you, too.
- All right, I'll be in touch.
- Okay.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Oh, excuse me.
Could I get another round?
Okay.
Hey.
Let me guess, you just
moved here from Wisconsin?
You heard Brooklyn
was the place to be,
but now you're living
in a shitty one-bedroom
with three roommates
in Bushwick,
and you're wondering,
"What the hell
am I doing here
on Thanksgiving?"
No.
I'm sorry to disappoint,
but I'm actually from here.
- Excuse me.
- Really?
My apologies.
I had you pegged as a hipster
more than a native.
- So, where you from?
- Carroll Gardens,
by way of Coney Island.
No shit. A legit Brooklynite?
I mean, you don't meet
too many of us anymore.
I'm born and bred myself
from right here
in Windsor Terrace,
just a couple of blocks away.
Could I get another round
over here, please?
Is that your boyfriend
over there?
Not anymore.
That explains the tears.
It's very smart of you to dump
him in a public place, too.
I mean, can you imagine
the kind of state he'd be in
- if...
- There you go.
Just the two of you, home alone?
Thank you.
Just in the nick of time.
I'm Tommy, by the way.
Karen.
Well...
it's nice to meet you, Karen.
- Struck out again, huh?
- The night is young.
Here you go,
Mr. McMullen, Tommy.
Happy Thanksgiving to you both.
- Thank you, Brian.
- You too, Brian.
Here is to a long life
and a merry one.
To a quick death
and an easy one.
To a pretty lass,
and an honest one.
To a cold beer and another one.
Your grandmother
would be mighty proud of ya.
God rest her soul.
You know,
Dad, I've been thinking.
Being back home this weekend,
I'm realizing
how much I miss Brooklyn.
I already do not like
where this is going.
I thought I'd really like
working in tech,
but I'm just not feeling
creatively satisfied.
I think I'm finally
gonna pursue my dream.
Do me a favor.
Before you say another word,
did you quit your fucking job?
Because I do not have
any more money to lend you.
Dad, I wanna be an actor.
An actor?
What the hell
do you know about acting?
Have you ever taken
an acting class?
I don't need a degree
to be an actor.
You either got it or you don't.
And it's like you said
with the writing,
"You can't teach talent."
And who is it that told you
that you have
any fucking talent?
Weren't you the one
who always told us,
"Find something you love to do
"and you'll never have to work
a day in your life?"
Yeah, but that was when I was
young and idealistic.
I have since
amended that rule. Okay?
Now, it's "Find
something you love to do,
and you're
pretty much guaranteed
to live a life
of great disappointment
and probably go broke
pursuing that dream.
However, it does beat
the hell out of working 9-5."
So what's your point?
What are you gonna do
to earn a living while
you are pursuing the dream?
Well, I was thinking
I could work with Uncle Pat.
At the brewery. Yeah.
I'll help him
with the marketing,
social media, stuff like that,
and then...
I was also thinking
that, you know,
in order to save money,
it might be a good idea for me
to move back home.
Back home?
With your mother down in Miami
in that beautiful big house
with that big-ass pool,
- that is a brilliant idea.
- No, Dad.
I'm talking about
here in Brooklyn, with you.
Back home in Brooklyn with me?
Oh, let me know
if I'm distracting you.
I thought we were having
a serious conversation
about you moving back home.
Look, what do you
want me to say?
It's Thanksgiving.
How can I refuse my boy?
It is a day for giving.
And I did just
tell your Uncle Pat
that he could move in
as well, so...
Welcome home, son.
Really?
Thanks, Pop.
The wedding's off!
All because Aunt Molly
got in Terrence Joseph's head
that we needed more experiences
before we got married.
Jeez, I'm sorry, kid.
Although I can't say
it totally breaks my heart
because, like your aunt Molly,
I did have my concerns.
Yeah, well, it breaks mine,
so, I'd appreciate
a little sympathy
over the snide comments.
And Patty, I owe you an apology.
I can't imagine my
histrionics helped matters.
Yeah, that was quite
the frightening sight
to see a grown man cry
at the dinner table like that.
That would have
scared me off, too.
But Patricia, I have a question.
Given the suitcases,
is it safe to assume
that like your brother,
you too are not looking
to move back home
with your mother in FL, eh?
Wait, what do you mean
"like my brother"?
I quit my job, so I'm gonna be
staying with Dad for a bit.
Huh? Just when I thought
tonight couldn't get any worse.
Look, I know you probably
don't wanna hear this right now,
but I think
this is for the best.
Why would you say that?
Because he's the only guy
you ever...
had a relationship with,
and I think
that would be a shame.
How the hell do you know that?
TJ may have mentioned it
when he got a bit too drunk.
And I hope you kicked his ass
for talking about
your sister like that.
There is nothing
wrong with that, Patty.
As a Catholic, I commend you.
And as your brother, I pity you.
And I want to know
why anyone thinks
this is an appropriate
conversation in front of me.
Do me a favor.
Tommy,
for the rest of the night,
the only thing I wanna
hear out of you is nothing.
Look, I don't care
what you think.
I believe in the power of love
and the institution of marriage,
and unlike you,
Aunt Molly and Dad...
Sorry.
I don't have
a problem being faithful.
Well said, Patty.
And the Lord smiles on those
who make that sacrifice
and frowns on those who don't.
Hey, why am I
being dragged into this?
I only cheated on my first wife.
And if I didn't cheat on her,
I don't meet your mother.
If I don't meet your mother,
I don't have
you two beautiful children.
So in this case,
maybe cheating
is actually a good thing.
This is parenting for you?
Dad, it's very twisted logic,
but I think it's sound.
Let's get this back on track.
Can I stay here?
Look.
When your mother
and I got divorced,
I bought this house in the hopes
that I could create
a second home for all of us.
And based on tonight,
I'd say I succeeded.
I'm confused. Is that a yes?
Of course.
But look, I do have
some rules, all right?
I'm not gonna cook for you,
not gonna clean up after you,
and I'm definitely
not doing your laundry.
You want any
of that bullshit done?
You can ask Patrick,
who also came here tonight,
hat in hand.
I'll be happy to do it.
Thank you.
How about that, huh?
I got my two babies
back home with papa.
Guys, do me a favor.
Raise your pints.
To Patty the Perfect
and Tommy the Terrible.
Welcome home, kids.
Hey, you got a minute?
Be very careful with what
comes out of your mouth next.
What are you taking me for, huh?
I might be a wiseacre
and a class clown
and a school fool,
but I know better than to joke
at a time like this.
- Then what do you want?
- I just wanna tell you
I feel for you!
I know how much you loved him.
That's it.
No wisecrack, no mean comment,
no dumb ass remark.
No, I can be real
when the moment calls for it.
However, there is something
I wanted to ask you.
Okay, this should be good.
It's nothing major, but...
Well, look, if we're gonna be
living here together,
we should try not to,
we should
try to get along, right?
Yeah.
So I was hoping that you could
try not to be
so judgmental of me.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
I'm not judgmental.
I just worry that
your impulsiveness
and impetuous decision-making
will lead you down
a path of disappointment,
bitterness, unhappiness,
and, well, ultimately failure.
Well, it was worth a shot.
But you know what
I just realized?
It's not judgment, is it?
It's jealousy.
I'm jealous of you?
You don't really believe that.
Yeah, and I get it.
I'm fun, and you're not.
I'm the life of the party
and you're the
strange girl in the corner
that nobody wants to talk to.
I'd be jealous, too.
Did you ever think
that it was maybe because
my self-esteem wasn't tied to
a constant need for attention?
If anything, it's those
insecurities of yours
that feed your jealousy of me.
You've always envied me.
What part of your life
could I possibly envy?
Oh, I don't know.
My work ethic, my stability,
my loving relationship.
Oh, you know what I'm
sensing from you right now?
Disappointment. Bitterness.
Unhappiness.
And what was
that last one again?
Oh, yeah. Failure.
Get out!
I can't believe
how much I've missed you.
Sounds like
they're off to a good start.
Yeah, the sounds
of sibling rivalry.
Warms your heart, doesn't it?
Hey!
Hey.
Remember me?
- No, I can't say that...
- Yeah, you do.
We met at Farrell's
on Thanksgiving.
You left some poor bastard
crying in his beer.
Oh, yeah.
- Mr. Born and Bred.
- Exactly.
Yeah, I was just having a slice,
I saw you go by,
I thought I should say hello,
see how you're doin'.
So how you doing?
Right now
I'm pretty annoyed, actually.
Oh, what? Because of me?
I'm sorry. I don't mean
to be a bother.
I just wanted to say hello.
Now that I have...
take it easy.
No, sorry.
It's not you, actually.
It's just... I'm supposed
to meet my friends for lunch
and they just texted me
that my ex is in there.
So the weeper is the cause
of your annoyance and not me.
I'm happy to hear that.
Hey, I got an idea.
Just came to me.
What if you
blow your friends off?
You can have lunch
with me instead.
Why not?
Look, you go in there,
you know you're gonna have
an awkward encounter
with this dude,
and then you're
gonna ask yourself,
"What if I would've had lunch
with Tommy Mac instead?"
"And what if that moment was
my one chance in life
at something extraordinary,
and I just let it
slip through my fingers?"
I mean, that might haunt you
for the rest of your days.
So are you implying that
"that something extraordinary
that I might miss out on"
is you?
No!
It's us!
So what do you say?
It's just lunch.
Have a beer, have a burger.
Maybe even have a laugh?
Burger?
Slice isn't enough for you?
What slice?
Very nice shot.
You know...
- Why the hell not?
- Yeah?
Come on then, girl.
All right.
So, how long did you guys date?
Almost four months?
My longest relationship by far.
Felt like a lot longer though,
didn't it?
Yeah, like a life sentence.
So...
were you in love with this guy?
Oh God, no!
- What?
- What?
No. No, no, no.
I've actually
never been in love.
Never had anyone
do that thing for me.
Tell me about it.
Yeah. I have yet to experience
that special feeling
that people talk about.
The "I can't stop
thinking about her."
"It's the girl of my dreams."
"It's love at first sight."
Bullcrap! I never had that.
You know, my girlfriends tell me
- about kissing some guy.
- Yeah.
Just kissing, mind you,
and they get goosebumps
and tingling and butterflies
in their stomachs
and immediately know
that he's the one
and I'm like, "Butterflies?
Are you fucking kidding me?"
"Goosebumps tingling?
Get the fuck out of here."
I don't know. Maybe I'm just
not wired like that. I'm sorry.
No, no, no.
Nothing to apologize for.
To the cold-hearted.
May we never buy
into the fallacy of true love.
To say nothing of butterflies.
Fuck butterflies.
Fuck butterflies.
What the...
God, no!
Oh, God.
Dad!
You gotta be kidding me.
Dad!
Oh, is everything okay?
Jesus!
What is going on in here?
- What happened?
- It's the faucet.
It's been dripping all afternoon
and keeping me awake.
I tried to fix it, and then
it starts spraying in my face!
It just won't stop.
Okay, you know what concerns me
more than the faucet?
The fact that it's the
middle of the afternoon
and you're still in bed.
What, you didn't wanna
go to work today?
Oh, no, I called in sick again.
I just... I'm not ready
to face the world.
And this is because
you're still pining
over Terrence Joseph?
Yeah. Obviously.
Yeah, but it's been
almost two weeks.
You're not over this guy yet?
Okay.
You're of no help.
- I'm going to bed.
- Pats, Pats.
Look, I'm sorry.
Here's the thing.
You can do better
than this guy, all right?
I mean, first of all,
he's not particularly
good-looking, right?
He's got very
untrustworthy eyes.
Secondly, he had the audacity
to call me Finbar.
And thirdly,
and more importantly,
he's an Irishman
who pretends to be a WASP.
I mean, come on.
Well, thanks for
walking me home.
- Yeah.
- Totally not necessary,
but I really
do appreciate the gesture.
No, it was my pleasure.
And as much as I
don't believe in love,
I do believe in chivalry.
So look, I just wanna be
perfectly upfront
and let you know
that I had a great time today.
Okay, yeah. So did I.
- Very, very pleasant surprise.
- Good.
And furthermore,
I would just like to add...
Well, that's redundant,
but go on.
That I am glad
we didn't miss out
on this extraordinary experience
you and I are starting to share.
Extraordinary? No.
I don't think we've gotten
to that part yet.
- Huh.
- And...
we're not going to tonight.
Yeah, bummer,
but you could text me.
I'm free over the weekend.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
Alright.
- Alright.
- Looking forward to it.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Approaching... extraordinary.
Okay.
What the hell?
Those are not fucking
butterflies you're feeling.
You're just hungry.
You need to eat.
Wait a second.
You already had
a slice and a burger.
Shit!
- Oh, shit!
- Oh, fuck.
No, no, no, no.
You're not that guy.
Nothing to worry about.
Hey, hey.
Who is hungry for some donuts?
Sorry, Pops. Uncle Pat's
already cooking breakfast.
Huh? Isn't he
the happy homemaker?
I don't know if you guys
are aware of this,
but today actually marks
the two-week
and two-day anniversary
of your uncle staying with us.
Isn't that wonderful?
You know, if I'm a burden,
just say the word
and I'll gladly be on my way,
- my man.
- Oh, no.
Uncle Pat's not going anywhere.
He made us pancakes.
Something you've never done.
Yeah, because I do donuts.
That's my thing.
Been doing it
since you were kids.
And I guarantee you this:
My donuts are better
than those frickin' pancakes.
I don't know, Dad.
These pancakes are hot.
I also did the laundry,
and Finbar...
in the future,
I would appreciate it
if you didn't just throw
the wet towels down the stairs.
There's a hamper
on the landing for a reason.
Do you guys hear, like,
a buzzing in the kitchen?
I've been hearing it
for the last...
two-and-a-half weeks.
It's like a little
gnat in my ear.
It bitches, and it moans.
You guys don't hear that at all?
Block it out, Uncle Pat.
We've been doing it
our whole lives.
Yeah, don't listen to him.
Please continue what you were
saying about Aunt Molly
before Barry
"box of donuts" over there
so rudely interrupted you.
Well, I just think
it's wonderful
how close you kids are with her.
Yeah, well, she was
more of a mother to us
than our own mother.
Which isn't saying much.
I've forgotten
what a beauty she is too.
She really has a glow about her.
Have you noticed that?
She walks into a room
and it's immediately brighter?
A glow?
No. I, for one, have never
noticed a fucking glow.
And neither should you.
And you wanna know why?
Because she's
your sister-in-law.
I don't think
she still is, technically.
I'm not allowed to say that
she lights up a room?
No. Not while you're
living here in my house.
But when you get
your own place like a big boy,
you can shout it off
the rooftops for all I care.
Dad, you're a fucking
crazy person.
Thomas, I can't
approve of that language,
but I do approve
of that message.
I mean, if there's anybody here
who needs a shrink, it's you.
Wait, I'm sorry.
Who here is seeing a shrink?
Oh, Aunt Molly gave Uncle Pat
the name of her old therapist.
She did what?
Since when has she
been seeing a shrink?
And more importantly, why?
Are you kidding?
Your older brother, her husband,
cheated on her and then died.
Say, if anyone
needed one, it's her.
Okay. Well, then
what's your excuse, Patrick?
Dad!
Aunt Leslie left him,
kicked him out of the house?
Dad, don't get all weirded out.
Mom sent us to a therapist
after the two of you
got divorced.
It was great.
Really helped the both of us.
She did what?
And why is this the first
I'm hearing of this?
Maybe because of the way
you're reacting now.
Uncle Pat, have you had
your first appointment yet?
No. And like your father,
I have my reservations.
But after this tumultuous year,
I'm seeing the world
in a whole new light.
A whole new light?
Oh, so maybe that explains
why you're seeing
your dead brother's widow
suddenly has a glow about her.
Oh, my God, we're back to this.
Barry, you've always
been afraid of change.
But your daughter's right.
It's not the '90s anymore.
Hey, Patrick, you know what?
I'm starting to think that
maybe you're a bad influence
on my children,
turning my brood against me.
And it reminds me
of a theory I have.
You see, a family... is like
- a bowl of fruit, right?
- Oh, my God.
And if that bowl happens
to have a bad apple,
- a rotten apple, if you will...
- Dad!
- What does that do to the...
- Wasn't funny the first time.
Yeah, no, it was.
I thought it was very funny.
Yeah, definitely.
It was funny.
See, your brother's right.
He's a smart kid.
Again, Barry. The '90s...
They're dead and gone.
Time to grow, my friend.
Time to grow.
Oh. So, yeah, you know,
the house needs a little work.
Yeah, this kitchen
could use an upgrade.
Oh, you think?
What? You don't think
the faux brick has aged well?
I think that fell out of favor
- somewhere in the mid-80s.
- Yeah.
Tell you what? Every time
I come back in here,
it's like the memories
just come...
flooding back.
I'm sure.
I mean, I was a kid
when I moved in here.
It was after my wedding night.
- Flies by, doesn't it?
- Yeah.
30 years.
How the hell does that happen?
Tell me about it.
I still feel like I'm
the same guy I was in my 20s.
Then, of course,
I look in the mirror.
Yeah, well, fuck that.
Yeah, I tried living here...
after Jack passed away.
It's too lonely.
Painful. Sad.
That was over 20 years ago.
Why did you sit
on the house that long?
Oh. Barry and Patrick.
They were not ready
to give up their childhood home.
No way.
So I've been renting it.
It's been pretty lucrative.
Well, how do they feel
about you selling it now?
We haven't
actually discussed it.
There will be tears.
Particularly from Patrick.
I just want to start
by saying...
This is a very big
step for me, Dr. Sabatino.
Please. Call me Sal.
Sal?
Not sure
I'm comfortable with that.
It's a little too informal.
Too casual for how I'm gonna
be communicating in here.
And how are you gonna be
communicating in here?
Well, to a doctor,
not some guy named Sal.
Well, if you prefer calling me
Dr. Sabatino,
we could try that.
But let me ask you,
why would calling me Sal
make you uncomfortable?
Well, it'd be the equivalent
of calling Father Dolan
or Father McGavin, Joe or Mike.
Just isn't done.
Out of respect.
So, you're a
practicing Catholic?
Very much so.
Whose wife
has asked him for a divorce?
And obviously a very major sin.
Is your wife Catholic as well?
Not practicing.
She's... taken issue
with some stances
the church has on women.
As a lapsed Catholic,
I totally understand.
Which reminds me of a joke
I recently heard,
which you might appreciate.
What's the highest position
a woman can reach
in the Catholic Church?
Nun.
Get it? Nun, zero, none.
Sorry. That... that was
in poor taste.
So tell me, Patrick,
how do you think I can help you?
Unfortunately...
Sal...
I don't think you can.
Appreciate the time.
No fucking way.
Jokes about nuns?
That's what
this guy thinks is funny.
Imagine. The people who laugh
at something like that?
One-way ticket
to hell, my friends.
Patrick?
Patrick!
Patrick McMullen!
Oh, my God.
I thought that was you.
Susan? I don't believe it!
It's over 30 years.
You look exactly the same.
So do you.
When you walked past me
in Sal's office,
I immediately knew
it had to be you.
Oh, you mean Dr. Sabatino?
Is he your therapist too?
Well, I shouldn't
say it like that.
That was my first
and last session with Dr. Sal.
Looks like I'm gonna have
to battle through confessions
with Father McGavin
from here on out.
Right.
Well, it's nice to see
you haven't changed much.
Well, what about you?
You're in Brooklyn now?
Yeah. Well,
after the kids were born,
we left the Upper West Side,
for which daddy never forgave me
and moved here,
right up the block actually.
But now I'm divorced
and the kids are grown,
and Daddy's long gone,
so now it's just me.
Yeah, well, that's part
of the reason I was in
to see the good doctor.
- Soon to be divorced myself.
- Oh.
I'm sorry to hear that.
But it gets easier
as time passes.
And if you're lucky,
it actually gets fun.
Oh, look, I would love
to stay and chat all day,
but I have to get back
to my session.
Maybe we could
get lunch sometime.
Or get a drink,
go for a walk? Whatever.
You know, call me at the office.
We still have the same number,
if you can believe it.
You know what's nuts?
I couldn't tell you what I had
for lunch yesterday,
but all the numbers
from back then?
- Locked up right there.
- Good!
Then, you know,
give me a ring, if you want.
If not, it was awesome
seeing you.
Do you ever wonder
why Molly never got remarried
after Uncle Jack died?
Never gave it
one minute of thought.
Couldn't care less actually.
You know, I can't remember her
ever having
a real steady boyfriend.
And how about
all that talk at Thanksgiving
about how I need
more experiences
and sexual partners?
Think she might be a sex addict.
Having a healthy sex life
and zero desire to marry
does not a sex addict make.
It's your Catholic upbringing
causing you to negatively judge
completely normal desires
and impulses.
But you don't think it's weird
she never had kids?
Not at all.
She's too busy
helping Dad with us.
Yeah, it's not the same thing.
Speaking of Dad,
why do you think
he never remarried?
Well, that's because
he's a two-time loser.
Third time could be the charm.
I don't think so.
I think he's very happy
being single.
Dad is not happy being single.
Why do you think
he so willingly agreed
to let us move back
into the house?
He's lonely. That's why.
Lonely? Dad? No way.
He lives the charmed life
he always has.
I do not believe
what I am seeing right now.
Perfect and Terrible
hanging out together?
Guys, I can't tell you
how happy this makes me
that you're staying here.
All right, 'cause the house
is kind of starting to feel
like a home again, and that
warms the old man's heart.
What'd I tell ya?
Hey, but I did want
to check in with you guys.
You're cool staying here,
even with Uncle Pat
living in the basement?
'Cause just say the word...
and I'd happily
get him outta here.
Yeah, Dad, all good. Yeah.
Well, look, guys, I was thinking
if you guys are around tonight,
maybe we could do
a family dinner,
just the three of us?
Oh, sorry. Dad,
I got a hot date tonight.
- Huh. Good for you.
- Thanks.
Pats?
I'm assuming
no hot date tonight.
I was thinking maybe then
we could get started
decorating the tree.
Oh, I'll be here,
wallowing in self-pity,
lamenting about the life
I should have had
and getting drunk.
Lamenting the what-ifs
and getting hammered.
Who does that remind you of?
- Grandma.
- Exactly.
Again...
Kind of warms
the old man's heart.
You know,
maybe you have a point.
I mean, if he's excited
that you're staying for dinner,
he's definitely lonely.
What exactly is this for?
You're gonna want to
put that down.
Ew! Gross!
So you never remarried
after Jack passed?
Honestly, I've never
really been interested.
You know,
the first time around was
pretty rough, so...
Yeah, I remember hearing
you guys had some issues.
Oh. Well, just the one issue.
You know, he cheated on me.
- Yeah, well, that's a big one.
- Yeah.
How about you?
What's going on?
Started dating again or...
I tried, and I failed miserably.
What?
Well, to start, she was
my high school sweetheart,
if you can believe that.
We reconnected on Facebook.
Really?
People actually do that?
Wow. What was that like?
- I mean, after how many years?
- Forty.
- Forty?
- Forty years, yeah.
She's a nightmare now,
and she was a nightmare then.
I hope you don't mind this,
but you have a really
nice smile when you laugh.
Thank you.
That's what I remember
most about you.
When...
when we worked together.
Your smile, it was just...
It was nice.
Walter, are you hitting on me?
What? No, no.
You have a nice smile.
That's it.
Well, thank you.
And thank you for the ride.
And I'll see you next week
about the contract.
Okay.
Okay. Well,
that was a pleasant surprise.
He's nice!
But is he too nice?
Oh, God, you know
how nice guys get.
First, they get mushy,
then they get clingy.
You do not do well with clingy.
Okay, you're getting
ahead of yourself.
You don't even know
if he's interested yet.
If he was interested,
he would've
asked you out, right?
Well, wouldn't he
have asked you out?
I think he would've
asked you out.
- Hello?
- Hey, it's me, Walter.
I'm still outside
sitting in my car
where you just left.
Still here, not in a creepy way.
Just thinking that
maybe me and you should...
Should go on a date?
Yes. Exactly.
Me, too.
Great. I know
this great Italian restaurant.
How about Saturday?
All right. Great.
Oh, I could cook.
- Even better.
- Great.
- I'll see you then.
- All right.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Walter.
I mean, how incredible is that?
I've always said
the city is like a small town,
especially in Brooklyn.
Well, what are you
gonna do, big boy?
Are you gonna
give her a call or not?
Oh, you gotta
call her, Uncle Pat.
You probably have
so much to catch up on.
And look at this,
I just Googled her.
Apparently, she's some
big deal in fashion.
CEO of her own company.
Yeah, that was
her father's company.
They made the ugliest
sweaters in history.
Not anymore. Now they're
as big as Donna Karan,
and oh, my God,
look at her apartment.
Wow! Okay, Patrick,
I gotta think
she's got an extra bedroom
in this place,
and it's gotta be
a little better
than sleeping in my basement.
What do you think?
If I'm not welcome here,
just say the word
and I shall be on my way.
Is that a promise?
Oh, jeez, you are not gonna
believe who's calling.
The man who wanted one more lay.
- I can hang up?
- What do I do?
- Do not take the call.
- Take the call.
- I'm taking the call.
- Ay yai yai.
Why the fuck would you say,
"Take the call"?
Damn, I've been tryna
get rid of this guy!
Why, he's just a kid!
- Hello.
- Hey.
I just wanted to check in
and see how you're doing.
Not great, if I'm being honest.
Really? Me too.
God, I've missed you so much.
Oh, my God...
I'm so relieved
to hear you say that.
So I guess that means
you haven't been out there
having new experiences.
What?
No. Not really.
What about you?
No, of course not.
Oh. So not even one date?
No. Why?
- Have you gone on a date?
- Well, yes. Obviously.
But, I mean, I hated it.
They weren't you.
Gee, not even close.
How sweet of you to say.
Yeah. Yeah,
they were a little lame.
Just some girls I met on Bumble.
Really?
So... there is...
more than one. So...
Was it like one date
with a few different girls?
Or did some girls
warrant second dates?
Are you getting upset?
Because I thought
that's what we agreed to.
No, you suggested it.
I told you I wasn't interested.
Therefore, no agreement!
But I am curious.
How was it?
You know,
sleep with someone else?
I'm assuming
you slept with these girls.
No, not all of them.
- Just the one.
- Oh.
Just the one.
Dad, he is such a jerk!
Oh, what... what happened?
It didn't go well?
No, it did not go well.
- He's a mother...
- fucker!
Oh, my God. I was terrified
that she was gonna say
the wedding was back on.
This is great news.
Your daughter's
in emotional distress.
This is your response?
Yes, because, like I've
already explained to you,
I don't like this kid
and I will not be happy
until he's out of the picture.
And you know what you could do
to help the cause?
Maybe say a prayer to that end.
Or even better,
next time you're up in Mass,
you light a candle.
The only reason I would
light a candle at church
is to save your soul.
Well, that would be
appreciated as well.
Bells will be ringing...
Yeah, no, my dad's great.
We're super close.
But he moved out to California
a bunch of years ago
when he got remarried, so...
And what about your mom?
No, she did not remarry,
and she's, like, barely dated,
since she and my dad split up.
I think she thinks like no man
is good enough for her.
Or for me, for that matter.
Noted.
Yeah, well...
Okay, I am her only child,
so she can just be
a little overprotective.
What about you?
Brothers? Sisters?
Yeah, I've got a younger sister,
Patty the Perfect.
Not perfect, far from it.
No, she's like we couldn't
be more unlike each other.
Our whole lives,
all we did was fight.
Which, usually with me,
on the losing end
of one of her right hooks.
Wait, so you would actually
fight, like, with your fist?
Yeah, yeah.
During the summers,
when we stayed with our dad,
we had this family tradition
where anytime he heard us
screaming at each other,
he'd ring a bell,
grab a pair of boxing gloves,
and then we'd duke it out
in the back.
And might I add, you know,
it takes a hell of a man
to admit that his sister
used to kick his ass.
So you're more
of a lover than a fighter.
That's kind of your excuse.
Well, it's not really an excuse.
It's... more of a...
badge of honor.
- Really?
- Yeah.
We'll see about that.
Holy Christmas.
I know, right?
What the hell was that?
I don't know.
Have you ever felt
anything like that before?
Me neither.
Okay. I'm just
gonna say this now.
I'm not looking for a boyfriend.
And I'm not looking
for a girlfriend.
Far from it. I got a career
I gotta worry about.
I mean, should I
just move across
the country to pursue my dream?
I can't be tied down
to any additional...
- passions.
- So we're on the same page.
This is not going
anywhere serious.
No, just us having fun.
Okay, cool.
That's a relief...
But I just want to make sure
you felt that too, right?
Fuck.
You know...
maybe love isn't
such a crazy notion.
Everybody seems to speak
so highly of it.
Why couldn't you give it a shot?
Just give it a shot.
Just lean into it, have fun.
No, wait, wait, wait.
What are you saying?
What are you saying?
Are you saying you might be
in love with this girl?
No! No, no, no.
Let's not get carried away.
That's not what I'm saying.
- Hey, Dad. You home?
- Yeah.
In the living room
with your uncle.
Yo.
Hey.
So...
Last night...
I just had the
best date of my life,
hands down.
Yeah, well,
your sweater's on inside out.
And backwards.
I mean, I just never felt
anything like this before,
and I got to admit,
it's a little unsettling.
I mean, these are
uncharted waters for me.
- Tell us all about it.
- Yeah, well, I wish I could.
I don't even know
where to start.
I mean, as I've said before,
I don't believe
in fate or destiny
or true love
or any of that bullshit.
But this?
I mean, this was intense.
I'm kind of
embarrassed for myself
- just talking about it.
- Yeah, sweet fucking Jesus.
You should be embarrassed.
Listen to yourself.
I know. Fuck.
Guys, the language, please.
And Barry, with the Lord's
name in vain into the bargain.
My bad, my bad.
I forgot we got
the Holy Roller
living with us now.
Patrick, I will do my best
while you're here in the house
to watch my language.
Cross my heart and swear
to fucking Chris...
topher.
It's not funny.
It's not funny at all.
No, no, it's not.
You know who else
isn't laughing?
Who?
God.
Thomas, don't listen to your
foul-mouthed, cynical father.
There's nothing
to be ashamed of.
Being love-struck
is an affliction
many a McMullen
has suffered from.
Yours truly included.
And this character here,
I might add.
I'm happy to see
it's being passed on.
Another romantic
keeping the dream alive.
Hold on. It's just...
It's her.
- Hello?
- Hey, how's it going?
Never better. Telling my father
and my uncle about you.
Oh, no way,
because I was actually
just telling
my mother about you.
And she thinks that
maybe you might be related
to this guy that
she used to date.
- I didn't date him.
- Is your dad's name Barry?
Sadly, yes. It is.
Dad. You dated her mother.
Really?
- What's her name?
- What's her name?
Nina Martin.
Nina Martin.
Nina Martin?
Are you shitting me? Really?
- Hey, hey.
- He's coming over here.
- Do me a favor. Do me a favor.
- Yep.
Tell her I say hello.
- He says hello.
- He says hello.
Hello, Barry.
And she's kinda
blushing in her clip right now,
- which I'm honestly loving.
- I'm not. Stop!
But I hope this doesn't change
the way you feel about me.
Oh, no, not at all.
I think it's really funny.
Yeah, me too. Okay, cool.
So, we still on
for Saturday night?
Yeah, definitely.
- I'll see you then.
- Great.
I will see you then, too, yeah.
Okay, bye.
How incredible is this?
What are the chances of that?
So what are... Who are you?
We were friends in high school.
- Okay. Cool.
- And then...
- And then, again in college.
- Really?
- You dated him?
- I did not date him.
For how long?
I didn't date him.
Yeah, there were a couple of
times, actually. In our 20s.
A couple of times?
Okay, what were you doing?
Just boinking on the rag
in the '90s?
Who do you think I am?
And then, yeah, I guess
after she got divorced,
it was...
- And then after your mother...
- Dad, oh, no!
What are you, fuck buddies?
Oh my God, we were friends.
- You were friends?
- We were friends.
You were friends who got
naked together with...
Then why would you
put it like that?
We were friends, all right?
- Let's just leave it at that.
- Okay.
I'm walking away.
- Mom!
- I'm walking away.
I wanna hear
about your sexcapades.
Ew!
Do I have to worry that
this is gonna become weird
- between the two of you?
- No, no, no, not at all.
- It was a long time ago, okay?
- Okay.
- All right.
- Nothing to worry about.
All right, because
I really like this girl.
So just, just
please behave yourself.
Okay?
What do you take me for?
Come on.
Can you believe that?
Nina Martin!
It's fantastic news.
I know what you're thinking.
And you're a sick
and demented individual.
You heard what he said.
He really likes this girl.
He doesn't need you
mucking that up.
Mucking?
Okay, how much longer
do you need to stay here?
Oh, there he is.
How you doing, Sam?
Hey, Mr. McMullen.
Listen, I gotta apologize, man.
I wish I could
make it last week.
My sister's got me
running around
- like a madman.
- Are you kidding me?
You're doing me
a huge favor, all right?
Come on, get in here.
- Is it upstairs?
- Yeah.
Right this way, my man.
- Anybody in here?
- It's open.
I hate to be a bother,
but I finally got the plumber.
He's here to fix the sink.
Are you almost done in here?
Now I am.
Sam. Patty. Patty. Sam.
Give me a holler if you need me.
Thanks. Mr. McMullen.
Sorry. I'll be out of here
in just a sec.
I don't know if you
heard your father.
I'm Sam.
Sam Dukakis.
Geez, Patty, you're breaking
my heart over here.
You don't remember me?
I used to live down the street.
We used to play around the block
when you and your brother
came for the summers.
That's right. Hey.
How long has
it been? Must be losing it.
Afraid so.
We made out once, didn't we?
Mrs. Warren's backyard?
Playing spin-the-bottle.
Summer before high school?
Summer before high school.
Yeah, yeah.
Highlight of my summer.
But, I mean,
it was more of a kiss
than a full-blown make-out.
One might call it a peck.
Remember you weren't
feeling too good?
You had an upset, "burp"
stomach or something?
Wonderful memories.
Now I remember.
Now I'm gonna
let you get to work.
It's the sink,
but... you knew that.
Okay.
Dad?
We got a problem. Do you know
who that is up there?
Yeah.
I called him, remember?
It's Sam Dukakis
from up the street.
We used to play together
when we were kids?
Do you know that?
You mean he's a really handsome,
super nice, charming guy
who used to live on the block
with his three crazy sisters?
Yeah, it kind of rings a bell
a little bit.
I still can't believe it's him.
You don't understand.
I had the biggest crush on him.
Every summer, when we'd come
to stay with you,
we'd hang out
on the block with him
and all of his friends,
and well...
everyone would ignore me
because I was such a dork.
Except for him.
So, what's the problem?
Well, he was the first boy
I ever kissed.
Again,
failing to see the problem.
- I threw up on him.
- That's a problem.
So, what was his deal?
Terrible kisser? Bad breath?
No, we were playing
spin-the-bottle,
and someone brought beer,
and, well, never played.
Spin-the-bottle before,
never drank beer before.
Hindsight,
I probably should have
had the beer after the kiss.
Yeah, and I probably
should have been
paying more attention
to what you kids were doing
when you stayed here.
So what are you gonna do?
Maybe you should
go back up there
and have a little
conversation maybe?
Why would I do that?
Because you just said
you had a crush on him,
and you are now single.
That was 15 years ago.
And I'm not single.
We're on a break.
What do you think
Terrence Joseph
is doing right now, huh?
You think he's
home pining for you?
Or do you think maybe he's out
"plotting" his next experience?
I should go back up there.
Pats, before you go.
Maybe grab a cup of coffee.
It'll look
a little less obvious.
Good thinking.
Wow, okay.
For once, your father's
absolutely right.
Terrence Joseph is probably
out there right now,
having...
another experience.
So, you know what?
Fuck him.
- Hi.
- Hey.
My dad made coffee.
I just wanted to see
if you wanted some.
Yes, thank you!
I'm actually...
- Perfect timing. I'm done.
- Great.
You wanna come
try it for yourself?
Oh, sure. Here.
Here.
- Thanks.
- Sure.
- Yeah.
- Sure.
Good as new.
So I know it's a bit overdue,
but I just wanted to apologize
for that night way back when
with the hurl.
Don't worry about it.
Yeah, you gave me
a great first kiss story.
And I was guaranteed
never to forget you.
Really? It was
your first kiss too?
Because, well,
it was mine as well.
Yeah, well, it wasn't much
of a kiss though, was it?
No!
No, I guess it wasn't.
It was kind of over
before it began.
Well, look,
I can tell you're real
broken up about it,
so if you wanted
to make it up to me...
Let me take you out.
What? Like, on a date?
Yeah. Like, on a date.
Is that...
Is that crazy to ask?
Are you prejudiced
against plumbers?
No, it's just...
It's, it's complicated,
because...
You know what? I'd love to.
I would love to go
on a date with you.
All right.
Great.
- It's a date.
- It's a date.
Cool.
Hey, Patty! Hey, Sam!
You guys should
be finished up, huh?
Coming, Dad!
I'm gonna... I'm gonna go.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'll see...
Ovilia. Saturday, 8 o'clock.
- All right?
- Yes.
There you go.
- See you then.
- Yeah.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Tell me more
about you and Leslie.
Well, we got together
right after you and I broke up
and drove out to California.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All that, I know.
You didn't wanna
work for my father.
You hated the sweaters.
You ran off to California.
I got all that. No.
Tell me when you think
she fell out of love with you.
Whoa.
Kinda getting deep here.
I thought we were just coming
for a light-hearted chat
and a muffin.
Spent a lot of time
with Dr. Sal, huh?
No, I... If I'm honest...
Fifteen years ago.
She wanted
to stay in California.
We moved back east
because I thought the kids
should be near their family.
But how do you feel now
that, that chapter
of your life is over?
Your kids are out
of the house, you're single
for the first time
in almost 30 years.
Some people may feel liberated.
I know I did.
Liberated? No.
I feel scared, I feel alone...
I feel confused.
But mostly...
I feel sad.
I just sound like the most
emotional basket case.
Holy shit.
Aunt Molly,
this one's even worse.
Oh, my God!
You're such a priss.
I am so glad
you're going on this date.
I'm not sure I can do this.
You can.
You're gonna look fantastic,
but you must
get rid of those loafers.
No, it's not the dress,
what little there is of it.
It's just this whole thing.
What whole thing?
You're going out to dinner.
That's it.
If you don't wanna do
anything else,
you just come straight home.
But you can't stand him up.
Especially if he's a nice guy.
He is a very nice guy.
Good! We love nice!
Not too nice, though.
You know what I mean?
Like Terrence Joseph?
You don't want nice to a fault.
What do you mean by that?
I mean, look, you take
one look at that guy,
you know, you've got a Sheldon
on your hands.
I'm not sure I follow.
"Do it to me, Sheldon.
You're an animal, Sheldon.
Ride me, big Sheldon."
True or untrue?
No idea
what you're talking about.
Really?
When Harry met Sally?
No?
Oh, my God.
This makes me feel so old.
All right,
let me ask you this...
Sex with Terrence Joseph.
Terrible, right?
No.
No?
All right. I'm gonna tell you
something else
that you don't know,
besides a classic scene
from a classic movie.
The walls in my apartment
are very thin.
That weekend
you guys spent the night?
I got some pertinent information
that will refute your claim.
Meaning what?
You were listening to us?
- No. But I was trying to...
- Oh!
And I heard nothing.
Well, did you ever think
we were trying to be quiet
- so that we didn't wake you?
- Doesn't work like that.
Nope. Don't buy it.
Nope. No, no chance.
Loud sex is what happens
when it's good sex.
I would have at least
heard you repressing
the sounds of your passion.
I heard nothing.
Which is what makes me
even more excited for you
with this date,
and lets me know
you've gotta get laid.
- What? No, no, no!
- Gotta do it. Gotta do it.
No! I was engaged a month ago.
How am I supposed to just jump
into bed with someone else?
It didn't stop
Terrence Joseph, did it?
- Hey, my guy.
- Hey.
I got a beer
and I got a question.
- You got a minute?
- Yeah. For you, of course.
Beautiful.
So look, man,
I just wanted to...
you know, check in with you
and see how everything is going
with that new girl of yours.
Oh, yeah.
Karen? Yeah.
Things are going pretty great.
We got a big date tonight.
- She's taking me dancing.
- Dancing?
- You dancing?
- Yeah. Me dancing.
Yeah. She takes these
ballroom dance lessons
at her church
with all these old people.
They got their Christmas party
tonight, so...
Yeah, well, you know
that the McMullens
are not really known
for their dancing skills.
So if you do
really like this girl,
you might wanna rethink
that plan. You know
- what I'm saying, pal?
- Don't worry about me, Dad.
I got the moves.
So...
Is this what you really
wanted to talk to me about?
Check on how
Karen and I are doing.
Kind of, sort of.
I mean, really,
here's what I'm thinking.
I'm just wondering, if maybe...
you happen to have
Karen's mother's phone number
by chance. Maybe.
Right...
No.
I do not have
her mother's phone number.
And even if I did,
I wouldn't give it to you.
I don't understand
the hostility.
She's an old friend.
I can't say hello?
I can't reconnect?
Dad, I'm telling you right now,
you are not going
anywhere near her mother.
You are not
starting this shit up again.
What do you suggest I do
if she happens
to get in touch with me
because it's a possibility?
I don't know.
- You ignore it.
- I ignore her?
You want me to be rude to her?
You want me to ghost her?
Yeah, it might
be a little rude to her,
but you'd be
very respectful to me.
So please, Dad.
Make the right call.
Christ.
If she reaches out to me,
I might have to call her back.
I'm just saying.
Do you know what Molly wants
to talk about with us today?
It's always nice
getting to see her,
don't you think?
And if you hadn't noticed,
I'm making apple pie, my man.
Mom's special recipe.
And I had Tommy
go out and pick up
a bottle of your favorite.
You know, it really is rude
for you to sit there
on your phone
and pretend you don't hear me.
Oh, I'm sorry.
But what is it in our
experience together...
In our 22 years
of sharing a bedroom,
our 50-plus years
of being brothers
and now our one month
of you living here with me
makes you think
I would give a shit...
whether or not
I'm being rude to you?
Okay.
Well, then maybe I'll just
set the table for two,
and you can fend for yourself.
Okay. Do me a favor
and do what you want,
because I have got to go anyhow.
You're not gonna believe
who I was just texting with.
Nina Martin.
She says I gotta get over
to her place right now,
and not to delay.
Barry, please!
I've gone to all this trouble.
Call her and tell her
you'll see her tomorrow.
Consider it a gift to me.
A gift to you?
I'm letting you live
in my basement,
and now I'm gonna
give you another gift?
By the way, thank you
very much for the wine.
Yeah, that is my favorite.
It'd be rude to go over there
empty handed, anyway.
Oh, it'd be rude to her!
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it would be.
Hey, do me a favor.
Do not wait up for me
because you never know.
I may not be home tonight!
You know, it's wrong
to treat people like this!
Especially family!
Maybe I won't be here
when you get back, Romeo!
I'm coming.
Okay.
- Hi.
- Wow.
Can I just say that
time has been kind?
'Cause you still look
fucking amazing.
Very nice mouth, Barry.
But thank you. Thank you.
Is that...
Very nice.
I'm not gonna come over here
empty handed.
All right, follow me.
Close the door.
So, I'm sure you know
why I wanted to meet with you.
Yes, I do.
And I just want to let you know
that I am single
and very much interested.
Wow. Okay. So, you...
You have not changed a bit.
- Okay, no.
- Why would I?
No, I...
I actually want
to discuss the situation
that we find ourselves in.
It just feels like we're...
What are...
- How are you?
- I'm really good. How are you?
- What are you doing?
- I'm just getting comfortable.
- Barry...
- It's like old times.
Yes, it is. Can you please
go sit over there?
- Just go sit over there.
- Okay.
I will be over here
if you need me.
I just want to start by saying
I am not in favor
of this romance,
and I hope
that you are not as well.
Look, I really don't think
it matters what we think,
because they don't
give a shit. All right?
They're adults now and they're
gonna do what they want.
And I think
the more you protest,
I think you're just gonna
add fuel to the fire.
I don't believe that
for a second.
I don't. Karen absolutely
cares what I think.
I don't know.
Tommy says they're crazy
about one another,
and I kind of think
that's something
that we should be celebrating.
So you approve of this?
It's not my place
to approve or disapprove.
When it comes to my kids
and their love lives,
with the exception
of my daughter, of course,
I just stay the fuck out of it.
You stay out of it. No.
That's the opposite
of my parenting philosophy.
I get right in there
so I can ensure that
I get what I want.
But I don't understand.
Why are you so against this?
Unless, of course, you think
it might get a little awkward,
given our history?
Yeah. I mean,
that's the whole point.
I mean, God forbid.
Come on, Barry, if...
If it gets serious,
then we're gonna have to see
each other all the time.
Yeah, I've been thinking
about that
and I gotta admit,
it's very exciting to me.
But as it relates to the kids,
I think maybe we're
getting ahead of ourselves,
'cause I think it's only been
a couple of dates, right?
I've heard the way
she talks about him.
It's not good, Barry.
Well, look, I mean,
I would no sooner
tell Tommy who he could date
than I would tell you
what I've been thinking about
since I walked in the door.
I know
what you've been thinking.
And I think
you'd find it flattering.
- Really?
- And if you want,
I could, maybe join you
on the couch again
and whisper it in your ear?
Oh, you want to come back
over here?
I mean, I think it could
be a good idea.
I think you should
stay over there.
Hello?
Sorry, I'm late.
- Hey, no worries.
- Hi.
And I will apologize
on Barry's behalf
because I know
he wouldn't think to.
He made other plans.
Oh. It's just us?
Yeah, unless one of the kids
comes back early.
Well, I can't stick around
for too long,
but I do plan to come back
to see Patty
because I expect
a full report from that girl.
Yeah, well...
I will probably not be here
by that time.
Oh. What, you got a hot date?
I am moving out.
There's only so long I can stay
under the same roof with Barry.
Oh, gosh.
Which brings me
to the next thing
I wanted to talk to you about.
I...
I'm thinking
I might stay at our old house
in the meantime,
if it's all right with you.
I know you don't have a tenant
right now. You said, right?
Well, I was gonna
talk to you and Barry,
both, today about that,
because I think
I wanna sell the house.
Sell the house?
Why...
Why would you wanna
sell the house?
Well, I don't
live there anymore.
You know, I haven't
lived there for 20 years.
But... It's our family home.
All our family memories
are there.
You... You sell the house,
all those are gone.
I know, but I gotta
be honest, for me...
between Jack's infidelity,
and his battle with cancer,
it just...
They're not great memories.
So Barry
doesn't know about this?
No. I was gonna
tell both of you today.
He won't care.
Man has no heart.
Hey, why don't
I just buy the house?
Why don't you
just buy the house?
Yeah! Right.
Problem solved.
But wait a minute.
Does this mean, really,
it's just done with Leslie?
No chance of reconciliation?
No. That's done.
It's for the best.
And frankly, I just wish
I would have seen it earlier.
The writing was on the wall,
loud and clear for years.
"I don't love you anymore."
All in caps.
When the bells all ring
And the horns all blow
And the couples we know
Are fondly kissing
Will I be with you
Or will I be among
The missing?
Maybe it's much too early
In the game
Ah, but I thought I'd ask you
Just the same...
Sorry.
Hi.
- Hi!
- Hey!
There she is.
- How you doing?
- Good.
Is this okay?
Yeah. It's perfect.
All right, I'll take your coat.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Wow.
I gotta say, you look incredible
- in that dress.
- Oh...
My aunt lent it to me.
Personally I think
it's a little much,
but she insisted
I wear it tonight.
Oh, no, no. She's...
She's right on the money.
Yeah.
So, how are you?
I'm great. Honestly.
I mean, I'm...
I'm with you on a date.
I... What could be better?
You know?
- What about you?
- I'm good.
But... But...
There's something
I need to tell you
before this goes any further.
And you might think
I'm a terrible person,
but I just really think
it's best to be honest.
You know? After all those
years of Catholic school.
Oh, yeah. Hey, I get it.
Twelve years
of Catholic school myself.
I understand your pain.
Oh, good.
I'll just spit it out.
Can I start
you two off with some drinks?
I'd love a glass of cab, please.
Two.
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
So...
Sorry, you were saying?
I can't see you after tonight.
Wow, I screwed this up
real fast, didn't I?
Why not?
Well, I'm kind of engaged.
Well, I was engaged,
and then my fiance
wanted to take a break.
Well, a trial separation
for a month or so.
And that month is up...
- tomorrow.
- Hold on, Hold on.
You're getting back together
with your ex-fiance tomorrow?
Yeah.
That's the plan.
Patty, what?
What are you doing
going out with me then?
That is a long,
complicated story.
But basically,
he wanted to sleep
with other women and he did.
And now that he got it
out of his system,
it made him realize
how much he loves me.
Now that he got it
out of his system.
Wow.
See, I don't know
if you're fully aware of this,
but your ex...
he's an asshole.
Yeah.
That's kind of how I felt when
he first hatched the plan.
- Oh. Great timing.
- Thank you.
All right. Wait a minute.
You're not getting off that easy.
You gotta answer the question.
What are you doing on a date
with me in that dress
when you're getting back
with your ex tomorrow?
Well...
the deal was we were both
supposed to have an experience.
Oh... And that's me?
Afraid so.
You're not gonna help me
with this, are you?
Look, I'm sorry.
I can't just... I can't
get down with that plan,
because if the kids
were to break up...
That means there's
a very good chance
I would never
see you again and...
I just don't like
the thought of that.
Yeah, that's the idea, Einstein.
That's what we're doing here.
All right. Well, look,
if nothing else,
this little reunion was pretty
great after all this time.
Yeah.
- Yeah, it really was.
- Yeah.
- I liked it.
- It's good to see you.
- You too.
- Yeah.
Oh, come on.
I can read your mind, Barry.
Again, I can...
Yes and no... No, no.
The answer is no.
Well, look, you know,
you seem to forget the fact
that I could always
read your mind as well.
And right now,
in this moment, I know
exactly what you are thinking.
Oh, God.
- Okay, fuck it.
- Fuck it.
Ai-yai-yai.
Okay. Okay. Okay.
You know what?
This is crazy. It's crazy.
Our kids...
I know. I know. You're right.
You're right. You're right.
- I got one question.
- Yes?
Is the bedroom upstairs?
Yes, the bedroom is upstairs.
Yeah, because I have this
kind of romantic notion
that I might pick you up
and carry you there
like I used to.
But my back is a mess.
I slipped a disc playing hoop
and I'm just afraid...
Okay. Yeah.
I have a bad hip, so...
All right, so that kind
of levels the playing field.
- Totally. We're even.
- So, what do you think?
I think you should
go up the stairs
before I change my mind.
- Let's do it.
- I'm right behind you.
Captured effortlessly
That's the way it was
Happened so naturally
I did not know it was love
The next thing I felt
Was you
Holdin' me close...
Seriously, dude,
you're gonna make me cry.
I'm like this close
to losing it.
Cry? Why are you gonna cry?
- That was beautiful.
- I know.
But guys aren't supposed
to be cute and funny
and charming like you.
And they're definitely
not supposed to be able
to dance like that.
What about you?
I've never met anyone
who's so sweet and tough
and gorgeous and nasty
and makes me want to spend
every second with her.
Wait, what the fuck?
I thought we talked about this.
No mushy relationship shit.
I'm sorry.
I can't help myself.
You got me saying
all the things I thought
I'd never want to say.
I know. It's terrible.
Wait, what kind of things?
Don't make me say it.
Because I'm so in love
with you, I will say it.
Did you actually just tell me
that you are in love with me?
- Do you want me to repeat it?
- No.
But I would like to take
this time to tell you that...
I love you, too.
Really? Because
I'm so crazy about you.
I've been meaning to tell you
since that first night we met.
I know. I felt it, too.
And you know what's even worse?
- What?
- I actually got butterflies.
No.
We are so fucked!
Hey, I hope this is okay.
Sorry, that's all I got.
Oh.
- Thanks.
- There you go.
Thank you.
To...
To an experience.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
So you're sure
you're okay with this?
You don't feel
like I'm just using you?
I am. Yeah.
And I do, because you are.
But for you?
I'm willing to make
the sacrifice.
- What?
- Wow. Okay, hold on.
Are you sure? You sure
you're okay with this?
- You seem a little...
- Nervous?
Yeah. And a little awkward.
I'm a little out of practice.
And terrified.
You're not gonna
throw up again on me, are you?
- Should I get a bucket?
- Very funny.
No. I'm just...
not used to this.
But the thing is, you know,
it's just, my Aunt Molly
at Thanksgiving,
she said this thing
to Terrence Joseph
about, you know, trying to...
hook up with other girls,
and he was, like,
"Yeah, I think that would
be a good idea."
And I was kind of like, "No."
But here I am, and it's...
kind of feeling
like a good idea.
- But it also feels weird.
- Patty...
- So, I don't...
- Patty...
- Patty!
- Yeah...
We don't have to do anything
you don't want to do. Okay?
Listen.
I've liked you
since the seventh grade.
So we could just sit here
and talk and hang out.
I'm just happy you're here.
That's really sweet.
But no, we're doing this.
Take your shirt off.
- My shirt?
- Yep.
Yeah.
That helps.
I'm taking you to the bedroom.
Can I ask you how well did you
and Jack know each other?
You know, when we were
all working together?
Not very, and he was
a football coach.
I was a tennis coach.
- Right.
- Not a lot of overlap.
No. No.
And a little bit of judgment,
too, if I recall.
And if I'm being honest,
I don't think that he thought
I was very cool.
Shows what he knows.
- Nothing.
- Nothing.
See? He always did have
terrible fucking judgment.
You see, when he had
that affair,
obviously I was upset with him.
But over the years,
I got upset with myself.
So I'm, like, "Why did I just
forgive him and let him stay?"
Well, a couple
of Catholic kids like us,
we were taught
that divorce is a sin.
There's no amendment
to that rule.
Divorce is fine,
lest your husband cheats.
See, looking back,
that's when I should have
bailed on the church.
Because then
I would have no problem...
kicking
his cheating ass out the door.
Hey, I get that.
Thank you.
Can I make a confession?
- Oh, boy. Here we go.
- No, no, no.
I always thought
that way back then,
just before you and Jack
got together
when you first got to school,
I always thought there might
be something between us.
Oh, you did, huh?
Yeah.
I did, too.
- And you blew it.
- I blew it?
- Yeah.
- I blew it? How did I blow it?
I thought we had, like,
a little flirtation.
And then, remember that day?
I had just finished
coaching soccer,
I was walking
to the train station
and you pull over
and you picked me up
- and you took me home.
- Yeah.
Not unlike the other day.
I remember, we sat in my car
and we talked
for almost an hour.
But how did I blow it?
I was giving you so many signals
and flirting
and flashing green lights
and doing everything I knew...
how to do...
And you just... Nothing.
You didn't try to kiss me
or anything.
Oh, believe me, I wanted to.
And you didn't.
Yeah.
I didn't know
how to make the first move.
I wasn't so smooth back then.
Oh... Oh, I see.
How about now?
How about now what?
Am I smoother?
Or do I want to kiss you?
We know that you're
not smoother.
- Oh...
- So...
The girl pulls no punches...
I'm gonna make it
easier for you.
How about this frickin' view?
See, this is another reason
I'm glad we live
on this side of the river.
Wow, you are way too proud
of your Brooklyn roots.
No. No such thing
as too proud.
You know what me
and my friends used to say
- when we were growing up?
- No. What?
We wake up every morning,
we thank God
we're from Brooklyn.
- Aww...
- You know what
I thanked God for this morning?
Whoa!
No, we talked about this.
- Well...
- You're about to say
something mushy, aren't you?
I thought we made a deal!
I thanked God I met you.
Tommy, that...
that is not fair!
We were on the same page!
But if you're gonna play dirty,
- I can play dirty, too.
- Bring it, dirty girl.
Okay, so you know how I said
that I didn't want a boyfriend,
and then now you've gone
and opened the floodgates
with all this love talk?
Well, now I'm gonna
take it to the next level.
- Oh, yeah?
- I'm gonna do something
kind of crazy.
Can you deal with crazy?
If it's crazy with you,
I think I can go
as loco as you need me to.
Is this crazy enough for you?
I said, bring it!
Thomas Tonelli McKenna McMullen.
I never even wanted
a boyfriend before,
let alone a husband.
But I've never felt this way
about anyone in my life.
So, yeah. Fuck it.
Do you want to marry me?
Absolutely.
Maybe try the pinky?
- Yeah.
- Oh...
I look like
an old school mafioso.
I feel like frigging Henry Hill!
Karen, why did you do that?
Karen, that was
all the money that we had.
- Why did you do that?
- I'm sorry, Henry!
They were
gonna find it anyway, Henry!
Karen!
I'm sorry! I'm sorry.
- You're funny.
- Funny, how?
Funny like a clown?
We're in trouble now, huh?
I think we are, buddy, old pal.
Listen, ever since
I quit smoking
a little ice cream after sex...
Perfection.
Oh, you'll get no complaint
out of me.
Let me smoke a cigar later,
and this will be as good a night
as I have had in years.
You're an easy man
to please, Barry.
- Unlike you, right?
- What?
I...
I didn't take that long.
- I'm not talking about that.
- Oh.
Here's what I don't understand.
How is it that a great looking,
successful chick like you
lives all alone in this big,
beautiful house?
Maybe it's by choice.
Is it?
Yes. I'm very
content in my life.
I am.
I just, you know...
haven't figured out
some of that other life shit.
What shit is that?
Relationships, marriage...
that kind of thing.
Man. Well, I am
hardly one to talk
in those departments, either.
But what about your daughter?
I mean, you clearly must have
done a great job there.
- Yeah.
- I mean, the kid must be
extremely sharp
if she recognizes
what a catch my son is.
Yeah, well.
It's the one thing I did right.
I'm so proud of her.
Which is why as...
As nice as this was,
and this was...
- This was... It was fantastic.
- Fantastic.
I don't know.
I don't think I'm a fan
of their relationship.
Look, I don't think we really
have anything to worry about.
It's been a couple of dates.
I mean, what's the worst
that could happen?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. That's Karen.
Whoa!
You don't wanna just knock?
No, no, no.
This drives her crazy.
- Hi, Mama.
- Hey.
Can't you ring the doorbell
like a normal person?
Well, if I ring the bell
at this hour,
you're probably not gonna
answer it now, would you?
But if I whistle,
then you know it's me.
Okay, now that I know
that it's you.
What do you want, sweetie?
We have news.
- What kind of news?
- Pretty big news.
Like I need to go downstairs
and open the door news?
Or you can tell me from here?
I don't know. I guess
it depends if you think
that getting engaged
is big news.
What did you go and do?
Karen! Why did you do that?
- I'm sorry.
- Why did you do that?
- Karen...
- Remember that from Goodfellas?
- Why would you be engaged?
- Because we're in love.
"In love" is not a reason
to get engaged.
What the hell did you just say?
Stay very quiet.
Mom, what's going on?
- It was the cat. What...
- Wait.
What's going on up there?
Mom, are you with somebody?
- No. No.
- Yes.
Oh, my God, you are.
Who is it?
Sweetheart, stop
changing the subject.
- I wanna talk to you.
- Yes, ma'am.
Do you have your key?
Yeah.
Then why did you whistle?
Get in the house.
- Bye.
- Bye.
You're drunk.
Get in the house.
I am!
Oh, my God. What a disaster.
What are we gonna do?
I don't see
what the big deal is.
They're fucking engaged!
Hey, look, if you are incapable
of dealing with them right now,
I could go down there
and talk to them, if you like.
I mean, after all,
he is my son, right?
No, you stay right there
and you keep your mouth shut.
Okay, so, just to clarify,
you want me
to stay here until they leave?
Oh, my God.
Enough with the jokes.
Seriously!
Was that okay?
You sure?
Yeah.
Gotta admit it.
I had no idea it could
be like that.
Yeah. Yeah, that was
pretty off the charts,
wasn't it?
Probably get some wisecracks
from my neighbors
- across the street.
- Why?
- Was I loud?
- No, stop...
I was loud!
I wasn't even aware!
It's nothing
to be embarrassed of.
Listen, you know, just...
Just don't be surprised
if you get some funny looks
on Flatbush Avenue tomorrow.
That's all.
You know... I...
I've never really done
anything like this before.
And it was wonderful.
It was. I...
I'm just not really sure
of the protocol
and I'm thinking I should,
I should probably go.
What? No. No.
Patty, you don't...
You don't need to go.
I really think I should.
You know, I've got a lot
going on up here right now.
Primarily confusion,
and a healthy dose
of Catholic guilt.
I should really work it all out.
Okay. Okay. Well...
Look, if you wake up tomorrow,
and you decide your fiance's
too much of an asshole
to commit
the rest of your life to...
Give me a call,
'cause I'd love
to take you out again.
Really?
I gotta go.
It's the kitchen.
Pat...
Oh...
You're still there.
I'm just gonna take the stairs.
- Have a nice night.
- Yeah, I'd wish you the same
but from the sounds of things,
I'd say you already had one.
You have no idea.
You have proven
that you are irresponsible...
and impetuous.
- And incredible.
- And irresistible.
And clearly immature.
What is the plan?
No plan... yet.
But we just know that we
wanna be together forever.
Okay. You know,
you could have shook on it.
Made a pinky promise.
Moved in together.
You don't get engaged.
I'm sorry, Mom,
but this is actually my life.
And we are in love
with each other.
Oh, okay.
I'm sure it's somewhat
shocking to you, Nina,
but it's equally shocking
to the both of us.
Neither one of us was looking
for a relationship.
But then we both got hit with
the most incredible feeling
at the exact same time,
and afterwards we're...
looking at each other,
and we just knew something...
something extraordinary
was going on.
Guys...
Do you know what that's called?
- What
- That's called
a simultaneous orgasm.
Also, it just means
you're hot for one another.
You're two good-looking
young people
who obviously had a great time
in the sack.
Newsflash: It's gonna fade!
And more importantly,
just because you young people
had some amazing sex
does not mean
that you get married!
For crying out loud.
Grow up.
Nice shirt, Mom.
Thank you.
Like a Christmas present.
Okay, you know, we can just
hope that she comes around.
But seeing things from
other people's perspective,
namely mine, is not really
her strong suit.
Wait a second.
I know this wine.
What the hell did you just do?
Yes, it was fun and eye-opening.
No. No. But that's not you.
You're not... that girl.
I guess that's what you deserve
for listening to your sex-crazed aunt.
Patty, is that you?
- I'm going to bed.
- Hold up. Hold up. Hold up.
I waited up for you.
Tell me all about it.
Oh, my God. Look at you!
The dress, the shoes!
- I knew it.
- Did you?
Did you also know that you
would screw up my life plan
when you told Terrence Joseph
that he needed more
sexual experiences?
And did you also know
that your advice
to hook up with some other dude
would totally confuse
the shit out of me?
Because... I just had
one of the most amazing
experiences I've ever had.
And now I'm just supposed
to get back together
with Terrence Joseph tomorrow?
Did you know all that too?
Wait, wait, wait.
Go back to the middle part.
That part
about the amazing experience?
- Tell me about that.
- No!
I'm not telling you anything
ever again.
I don't want any more advice,
any more dresses,
any more anything.
I just want things to go back
to the way they were.
I'm sorry, Patty, sweetie.
You're gonna thank me
some day. Trust me.
Oh, this is a blessing.
Back in the old neighborhood.
The old block.
Your childhood home.
Some people might say this
is a step backwards, my man,
but I think this
is gonna be the start
of a great new chapter.
Who says
you can't go home again?
Hey, Dad, you up here?
Yeah, I'm in the bedroom.
You're a frigging jerk,
you know that?
- What?
- A real freaking jerk.
What is going on?
What the hell did I do now?
Are you serious?
You slept with Karen's mother
last night?
And please don't deny it, okay?
Because she was drinking
the same bottle of wine
that Uncle Pat
had me pick up for you.
That doesn't prove anything.
That doesn't prove anything.
Maybe she likes the same stuff!
I mean, she always
did have great taste.
She told Karen
about it this morning.
She told her everything.
Jesus Christ. Did she?
All right.
I'm guilty as charged.
All right, but I don't know
what the big deal is. Okay?
I mean, I knew her first
long before you knew Karen.
What is this "I knew her first"?
What? Are we
in the fifth grade?
What do you want me to say?
We're attracted to one another.
Always have been, all right?
And to think you were upstairs
in her bedroom
when we came over last night,
this is just so sick
and demented.
I can't even wrap
my head around it.
Hey, pal, In my defense,
it happened before you guys
got engaged, all right?
I mean, shit, if I knew
you were that serious,
- it never would have happened.
- What are you talking about?
You did know
that we were serious,
because you asked me about it!
And I told you to stay away
from her mother.
- Wait. Who's engaged?
- He is.
- You're engaged.
- Oh, God.
- When did this happen?
- Last night. Okay?
- But she proposed to me.
- That's good.
So the one who has never
been in a relationship
and doesn't believe in love
and bad-mouths marriage
at every opportunity,
is the one who's engaged.
You really wanna
stick to your theory
that you're not jealous of me?
I'm sorry.
What does my engagement
- have to do with you?
- Everything.
And it proves my point
that you always
have to be
the center of attention.
You just couldn't deal
with the fact that my wedding
was gonna preoccupy the family
for the rest of the year.
I'm sorry. What wedding are
you talking about, exactly?
Because as I remember it,
you and Mr. Non-committal,
Mr. I-wanna-get-laid-
one-last-time,
broke up a few weeks ago.
Nice.
Okay. That was very ugly.
And it saddens me
that I had to witness that.
You are going to need
to apologize to your sister.
And I need to apologize to you.
I am so sorry, Tommy.
I promise you,
I give you my word.
I am never gonna see her again.
That said, I do need
to get over there right now,
because I left my wallet there
last night, so...
You, you left your wallet
there last night?
It happens.
Well, Dad, you are
a real piece of work.
And I'm just gonna
say one thing.
Or remind you, something
Uncle Pat likes to say,
"God is always testing us."
And you, Dad, you're failing.
Miserably.
Huh... Now you found
religion, huh?
Ai-yai-yai.
Unbelievable.
You let Patrick
stay here a month,
and what does he do?
He turns your son
into a Holy Roller.
What do they say?
No good deed goes unpunished.
Maybe you gotta
take some of the blame here.
You really do like Nina,
right? Always have.
Even thought that she could
be the one, but...
If the kid is against it,
you gotta walk away, right?
That's what you're gonna do.
You're gonna go over there
and tell her it's over.
Barry, I've moved out.
I wanna thank you
for your hospitality.
Although I'd be remiss
to call it that.
See what happens when you're
always focused on yourself?
You end up doing
your own laundry again.
Love to the kids.
Last night was...
Was kind of eye-opening.
I don't... No, no.
I don't mean us.
I mean, about Karen.
I just feel like you're right.
- Yeah.
- I need to stay out of it.
It's her life. It's her life.
Look, I know at a certain point
you just have to surrender
control and let them go.
I know. I just don't like it.
It's just...
It's so heartbreaking
when they grow up, isn't it?
I know, I know.
Because, like, who are we,
if we are no longer parents?
Seriously, I don't even know
what to do with myself.
If I'm not
taking care of Karen...
- Yeah.
- Like, what... What do I do?
Yeah. Well, I'm not exactly
there yet,
given my two have moved
back into the house.
I'm actually jealous of that.
I wish Karen
wanted to live here.
Instead, I'm here all by myself.
I'm in this big house...
and It's just me.
All alone in this big,
empty house, huh?
- I kind of have a thought.
- No.
I wish there was
something I could do
to make that easier for you.
We're not doing that again.
It was a one-time thing.
And actually, if I'm being
accurate, it was...
It was a final hurrah,
if you will.
Well, it was a good one.
And I'm gonna surprise you...
that I actually agree with you.
Oh...
I've just been thinking,
for the sake of the kids,
we have to put an end
to our shenanigans.
You should have heard
how pissed off Tommy was
at me this morning.
And I just don't wanna
risk it, all right?
Because if this actually
works out with them,
you and I are gonna be seeing
a lot more of one another.
- Yep.
- We have to control ourselves.
Correct.
I'm not mad at that.
It's gonna take a lot
of discipline
- on my part, but...
- I'm wearing leopard.
Killing me.
Look, I'm gonna be blunt.
We gotta call
this whole thing off.
I mean, it's too much,
too soon and too crazy.
And then there's the shit
with our parents.
It makes it way too complicated.
Oh, thank God.
I feel the exact same way.
Really?
That is such a relief.
Is it too much to ask
for my ring back?
Oh, no. Of course.
Thanks.
- You sad?
- No.
If I'm being completely honest,
I feel relieved
more than anything.
- Yeah, me too.
- Yeah.
But we can still date
or hang out, right?
Yeah.
We don't have to be engaged
to do that, we can just...
be a couple, but less serious.
No. Of course.
First of all,
that's not even in our nature.
That's not even our thing.
- Being serious.
- No.
And secondly, I really like you.
Aww...
I mean,
I love you.
I'm just not ready for the whole
"Till death do us part" thing.
Absolutely. 100 percent.
Hey, what's going on?
Anybody home?
I'm in here!
Pats, what are you doing?
It's the middle of the day.
What are you still doing
in your PJs?
I'm depressed.
This is what I do
when I'm depressed.
Leave me alone.
Haven't you done enough already?
I don't understand.
Why is everything
that happens in this house
my fault?
Maybe because it is.
Okay, okay.
I'll leave you alone.
Unbelievable.
Hello!
What can I do for you,
young man?
Yeah. Yeah. Oh. Really? Huh...
All right, then.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Your secret is safe with me.
I promise you.
I will not say a word to her.
Who was that?
You're not gonna believe it.
But that was our man, TJ.
- What'd he say?
- It's not good news.
He was calling
to get my blessing.
He wants to re-propose.
Is that what you just told him
you wouldn't tell me?
Yeah, but I figured you'd
wanna be in possession
of that information given,
you know, the month you've had,
I'd hate for you to get
blindsided again, you know?
No, I guess not.
Well, did he say
when he was gonna do it?
Yeah. Yeah. He said
he'll be here any second.
Oh. Any fucking second.
Yeah. And that would
probably be him.
- I'm gonna guess...
- I haven't even showered yet.
I'll be right there!
Yeah. But, Pats, look,
you do not need to say yes.
He called for my blessing,
but I didn't actually
give it to him.
So factor that into your
consideration, maybe?
Enough already!
Oh. What are you doing here?
Okay, well,
I was sitting at work,
and I just realized
what I wanted my future...
our future, to look like.
And that's why
I needed to see you.
Oh, no.
- Terrence Joseph, stand up.
- No, no, no. It's okay.
Please, stand up.
Then, what is it?
I'm just not sure that we
should jump right back in
and get re-engaged so quickly.
It's because I slept
with that girl, isn't it?
I knew
I shouldn't have told you.
Well, sort of.
But not entirely.
Because, you see,
I slept with someone, too.
And it's got me really confused.
And I just think
we would both really benefit
from a little more time apart.
Okay. Whoa, whoa! Hold up.
You slept with someone?
- Yeah.
- But why?
Why?
Wait, I didn't think
you wanted to.
Well, I guess I had
my curiosities as well.
Jesus.
Wow, I did not see
that coming. Okay...
But you know what?
That's exactly what
you were supposed to do.
Okay? Look, this is good news.
- Is it?
- Yes.
Look, we needed a chance
to sow our wild oats,
like your Aunt Molly said.
This is exactly what we needed.
Yeah. But the problem is
now that we've opened that door,
you know, how do we close it?
It's like the whole
genie in a bottle,
can't put the toothpaste
back in the tube,
can't un-crack that egg.
Well, I'm not sure I follow.
Well...
we've both had a taste
of what else is out there
and maybe because of that,
your taste can change.
Wait...
Are you saying you like
this guy you slept with?
I don't know. Maybe.
But what I do know
is I'm just not ready
to say yes to forever.
Fuck.
I'm such a fucking jerk off.
Kinda.
I'm sorry.
I know you're a great fit
for me on paper,
and you have a perfect resume
for the life I've always
envisioned. It's just...
I think it's time
I start to lead with my heart
and not my head, you know?
Actually,
it's not even my heart
I have to listen to.
It's...
some other... impulse.
I gotta go.
Wh... Wh... Where?
Patty, come on.
Patty!
Hi.
Is Sam here?
Oh, look who it is.
The dream girl
who howls at the moon.
It's good to see you again.
So, this is her?
This is the one
he's so crazy about.
Hey, Tinkerbell,
let me ask you something.
You think that was nice
to use our brother like that?
You weren't aware
of how he felt?
Didn't you know he's been
carryin' a torch for you?
A torch?
A torch!
Fifteen years, he's been
carrying that torch.
Fifteen years, and then
she goes and uses him for sex.
Like he's some
kind of piece of meat.
Some crayons.
Relax... Whoa. Hi.
- Hi.
- What are you doing here?
I was kind of hoping
we could talk.
Yeah. Yeah, sure.
You met the Three Stooges,
my sisters
Cathy, Carla, Christine.
Girls, this is Patty McMullen.
Oh, yeah, we met already.
That was you, right?
Thank you.
You know what?
We're gonna talk outside.
We're gonna talk outside,
far away from here.
- Say bye.
- Bye.
They're a little
overprotective and...
just a lot crazy.
- Yeah.
- So...
What's... What's going on?
I broke off my engagement.
Or I didn't get re-engaged.
Either way, we broke up.
It's over and that's a really
big deal for me,
because for the first time
in my life,
I don't know
what I'm gonna do next.
You don't know this about me,
but I'm a planner.
- Yeah.
- I've had my whole life
planned out
since I was a little girl.
A lot of goals,
a lot of to do lists,
things to get done
by a certain age, but...
I decided I'm not gonna
do that anymore.
I've decided I'm just gonna
live my life
and throw caution to the wind
and let it take me where
it's gonna take me and...
Oh, well.
Right now,
it's taking me to you.
I can't tell you
how happy that makes me.
- Can I kiss you now?
- Come here.
Can I just say...
...how happy I am
that I no longer have
to host Thanksgiving?
Patrick, I think this is
a great new tradition.
We all get to come home
to Long Island
and you get
to do all the cooking.
I will second that
because it is my pleasure.
Now, I'd like to say
a little prayer
before we eat.
Okay, and let's
not overdo it, Patrick,
because remember, Thanksgiving
is not a religious holiday.
All right? And we're all
friggin' starving as well.
Jesus died on the cross,
for you, Barry.
You especially.
Think you can give him
30 seconds back?
Don't listen to him, Uncle Pat.
Take as much time as you need.
Thank you.
This was our mother's
favorite blessing.
Should we all join hands?
We really think
that's necessary?
I'll do it.
We gotta do it!
- Come on.
- Thank you, Molly.
Thank you, Molly.
May love and laughter
light your days
and warm your heart and home.
May good and faithful friends
be yours
wherever you may roam.
May peace and plenty
bless your world
with joy that long endures
and may all life's
passing seasons...
bring the best to you and yours.
Amen.
Amen.
Can I...
Can I also just say...
My mother, your grandma,
always used to say
that gratitude is not just
the blessings that you have...
"But what you do with them."
- Exactly. Yeah.
- Yeah.
Then I'd say
this is a blessing...
- Oh, yeah.
- ...done right.
- Oh.
- Hey.
Hey, guys, come on.
Leave room for Jesus.
Does anyone else have a toast
or a blessing from their mom?
My bubbe used to say,
"Having somewhere to go is home.
"Having someone
to love is family,
"and having both
is a blessing."
She said it in Yiddish,
so it sounded much better.
Come on, Walter.
All the new blood
are giving toasts.
Let's see what you got.
Okay. In keeping
with blessings and gratitude,
can I just say that
when God gives you
a second chance...
you don't take it for granted.
And I don't.
I'd... I'd love
to say something,
Mr. McMullen,
if that's all right,
"Mr. McMullen?"
I love this kid.
Please, Sam.
Which roughly translates to...
"A man can never shine
without his family
at the table."
All right, I would like
to make a toast.
I wanted to say,
Happy Thanksgiving.
Happy Thanksgiving.
I am so grateful for every
single person at this table.
And second, you know,
families aren't perfect.
And this one is no exception.
But I think we're doing
pretty great.
So please raise your glasses
to the Family McMullen.