The Feels (2017) Movie Script

Um, yeah, so I got
an early start.
I was 10 years old.
We had just moved
into this new house.
I was really excited
because it had two stories,
instead of one story.
I thought that meant
we made it.
And so we also had a staircase,
which had a banister,
and like how great
would it be
to like just slide
down the banister.
I realized that it was
really, really great.
What was even better was, like,
once you slid down
to the bottom,
inching your way back up
the top was really good.
Many followed
with multiple partners,
but I never had multiples
until I met Lu.
Sex with her was just
so amazing
in this way
that wasn't just physical.
But then just to be
so surprised
that my body could like
have the capacity
for this thing that I thought
I'm a total pro at.
Well, I mean, there were,
I guess, powers unleashed within
that I did not
even know I had.
And I don't even really know
what it is about Lu
that just...
I guess I just like her.
I mean, I love her.
We know that.
I also just really like her.
Catch up!
[Andi] Come on,
we're almost there.
You made it.
- Hello.
- Hello.
You were getting a little slow
back there.
- Ha ha ha.
- Yeah, you got to catch up.
Gonna be horsin' around.
I like that stretch.
It's good.
I'm really excited
about the weekend.
Yes, yes.
All right,
so we've got to pack.
Gotta get chargers.
You gotta pee?
I gotta pee.
- I gotta pee?
- Really bad, actually.
- Okay.
- Ready?
Come on, catch up!
You're such a dork.
- Okay, I need to slow down.
- Aw, come on!
You got this, girl.
Come on!
[moaning, panting]
Wait, wait.
Oh, God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, God! Oh, my... wait!
- Jesus.
- Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
[phone chimes]
If I were a dog,
what kind of dog would I be?
If you say Chinese Crested,
I'm gonna kill you.
Well, hold on then.
Because they're ugly,
and they're Chinese.
Not that there's anything wrong
with being Chinese.
Is Pikachu a dog?
What is that?
- That's like a Pokmon.
- Oh.
Or like it starts with a P.
Percosassy or...
No, that's...
- Pekingese? Oh, God!
- Pekingese.
It just gets even worse!
You know, if you were a dog,
you know what kind you'd be?
- [phone chimes]
- Hold up.
It's Josh.
Yeah. I mean, he got in.
Should be fine.
Yeah, but what is she doing?
Why did she leave?
She's probably stuck in traffic,
or she's like...
I don't know.
She would've texted me then.
This is incredible.
I can't believe it.
- Hello?
- Hi! One sec, one sec!
All right, yeah.
- Hi, how are you?
- Hi, Josh!
- Hi!
- So good to see you.
- How was your flight?
- It was so good.
- So good?
- Not really.
- Well, I'm sorry.
- I was in a coffin flying.
I'm starving.
Oh. Are you still on tour?
No, I have four days off.
Four days to be here.
- Yes!
- Four days.
In it to win it.
That's right, baby. Hi.
- Hi. How's Brad?
- Oh...
- Ryan?
- Right! Sorry, sorry, yes.
- I met Ryan at Christmas.
- Christmas, that's right, yeah.
- I don't know. He's fine.
- What's wrong with Ryan?
I don't know.
He's just kind of boring.
He's good at a party.
I like partners like him.
But I'm, like, blehh.
- He's a nice guy.
- You're hilarious.
- Anyway...
- You should break up with him.
It's like so much hassle though
to break up with someone.
Whatever. Let's... what are we?
This house is amazing.
What's new with you?
I can't wait to party with you.
Yeah. We're gonna have
a great time.
- Seeing anyone in LA? No?
- Hello! Hi, guys.
- Hey, I'm Helen.
- Hi!
Need help with your bags?
No, I'm self-sufficianado.
- Don't worry about it.
- Hi, I'm Josh.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, man.
Oh, hey, hugs, hey!
- I'm Helen. Nice to meet you.
- Hi, Helen. Vivien.
You were hard to find
on social media.
- I tried to look you up.
- Oh, my God.
- I know who you are.
- Karin.
Nice to meet you. Cool.
I watched you... Sorry,
I'm a little excited.
I watch your YouTube videos.
Yeah, I love it. I loved it.
Hey, do you auto-tune?
I've been dying to ask you,
and it's been on my mind
for the whole drive.
You're so sweet.
No. Oh, my God, no.
Dude, that pool out there
is crazy sick.
Right by the kitchen!
Hell yeah. I'm gonna be
making some sandwiches,
getting right back
in that water.
- That sounds good.
- 30 minutes, I think.
No, you don't have
to wait 30 minutes.
Oh, it's okay.
So I see groceries, but what
are we doing this weekend?
So, yes, we're gonna
put all these groceries away
and unpack our clothes
and hose off,
and then we're gonna go out
to a nice restaurant.
- Hope it's to your standards.
- It will be.
Then we're gonna go just
booze it up and drink,
and then I think we're
staying in tomorrow night.
I'm cooking, if you guys are
ready for some sandwiches.
- I'm just kidding.
- [laughter]
Chef joke.
That's cute.
- It's gonna be good.
- Let's have a drink.
- Yeah!
- Let's do it.
Right now.
Let's do it, guys.
So I'm going out
every weekend
Just to see my boo again
At night
I think of you
I want to be
your lady, baby
If your game is on,
give me a call, boo
If your lovin's strong,
gonna give my all to you
I only listen to your music
because I don't
have time to seek.
I don't even care anymore.
I'm too old.
- Just press a dial.
- I gotta send you some stuff.
It's not really a compliment.
I just don't have time.
Oh, thanks.
That's why I love you!
"I don't have time,"
you wanna know.
I love your music.
- See?
- I didn't say I didn't love it.
I said I listen to it.
- Thank you, regular.
- Thanks.
Everybody in the kitchen
was like, "You gotta ask this."
And I was like, "I will."
When you play live...
I'm being for real,
when you play live,
do you play to a click track
or like a live recording?
- Or is it like pre-recorded?
- Wait, I have a question.
Who was asking you?
- Hi!
- [applause]
[shouting and cheering]
- Yay!
- Hi!
Hi! Great to see you!
Good to see you, Josh!
- Hi!
- Did you get younger?
Hey! Thank you so much
for coming.
- It makes me happy.
- I wouldn't have missed it.
How's Flaccid Dick?
- Someone's getting married
- [Lu shouts]
Hi! Yay!
- Hello!
- Did you have a good drive?
- Yes, fine.
- You didn't get lonely?
- Oh, I got so lonely.
- I know. You're always lonely.
I was like bored, lonely.
And did you decorate okay?
I mean, I think it looks okay.
What do you think?
- This is good!
- Yeah?
Wait a second.
You guys!
Um, what's the situation?
Is this part of the decor
that you thought I would like?
Well, this was Nikki's idea.
- Oh, this is a Nikki thing.
- Yes, yes.
She's coming.
Nikki will be here.
So, guys, per Nikki's rules,
those pictures
that you sent me,
I have drawn them
on the banner,
and Andi and Lu
are going to feel everybody's
boobs during the game,
and based off the numbers
and how they feel,
they're going to determine
whose are whose on the banner.
Yours too?
I drew something on there.
I guess it's debatable
which it could be.
- Like a nut sack?
- I don't have a chest.
- Like symmetrical moles?
- I should've drawn those.
Be prepared to be perplexed.
I'm wearing
a sports bra, so...
You have to take the bra off.
Hey, you don't gotta
ask me twice.
Oh, my God!
You guys, you guys...
- Aw!
- What's that?
Come here.
- Kitty and Pups.
- Yes.
This was like a thing we had
when we were kids.
Kitty and Pups,
because when I was a kid,
I thought that all kitties
were girls,
and then all dogs,
or pups, were boys.
I mean, I think it's true.
It's the child logic.
The brilliance of childhood.
But being the brilliant
artist he is,
he made me
these comic strip, these...
this anthology
of Kitty and Pups comics.
Every time I had
a really tough day,
he would make me
a Kitty and Pups comic,
and it made me feel better.
And you haven't made me one
in so long!
- Like 20 years or something.
- I'm so happy to see it!
- Very cute!
- Well, it's good.
He hasn't made me one
because I haven't needed it.
Do you still have them even?
You still have any of them?
[phone chime]
You look pretty.
Thank you.
I was thinking of wearing
this white thing.
What do you think?
- I don't know.
- Yeah.
- What's wrong?
- Nothing.
Oh, it's just Nikki.
She's not gonna...
And what did she say?
She's not gonna make it
to the house,
maybe the restaurant.
You want me to text her
and be like,
"Come on. Don't be a flake.
Don't do what you always do."
Okay, hang on. I can only
talk shit about my sister.
Okay, but you talk a lot
of shit about her.
I can.
- I can't?
- No.
Oh, is that the contract?
Those are the rules?
Yeah, sign here.
Oh, a calligraphy pen.
Wow. Very long signature.
- Yeah.
- Well, we're hyphenated now.
We're modern ladies.
Hey, let's try
to have fun, okay?
All right, I'm gonna go
get dressed.
I was really, um...
I was a little nervous
going into the weekend
just because my best friend
Megan couldn't come,
and I just felt like
I didn't really have
my peeps there,
you know?
But it's fine
'cause she's super pregnant,
and I totally get
not wanting to, you know,
potentially slide one out,
being surrounded by
a bunch of drunk lesbians.
But I'm super grateful that
Helen's here 'cause Helen...
I work with Helen
and she's a delight.
Helen's the shit.
I love her so much,
and there's no one...
there's no one like her.
When I first met Andi,
I was really intimidated.
I mean, even just seeing her
across the way,
I was like, "That's a...
That's an attractive,
cool, powerful woman."
But I just would never have the
guts to go up and talk to her.
I just thought it was just
a moment of adoration.
She made a beeline towards me,
and I was just double-checking
like, "Is it me?"
But she was coming right up
to me, and then we were talking,
and it just felt so natural,
and it felt so...
like it's happened before,
that moment.
Like a very dj vu.
I don't... I just knew.
I just... know.
How long does it take
to get pampered up there?
Probably fucking.
You know, people,
they love to fuck.
I know.
I came up here and I thought,
"Look at all these pine trees."
Could you imagine
just like outdoor, nature,
you know, like just really
raw dogging it out there?
Yeah, I can.
Raw dogging it out there?
Raw dog in the pines?
Like raw dogging it
in the nature, you know.
Just nothing in-between.
Just you and skin.
- I'd just bump my head.
- I would maybe want a blanket.
Well, that's why
I got Rosie.
- Who's Rosie?
- That's my van.
Yeah, I named it
after my grandma
because she's a little crusty
around the edges.
- You look good in that van.
- Thanks.
- You look good, Vivien.
- Oh, thanks.
- I think you look good.
- I'm sorry.
What's so funny?
What are you giggling about?
You have a great laugh,
a great smile.
- Oh, thanks so much.
- Your hair looks good.
You did yourself up.
You cleaned up nice.
Not to say you were
unclean before.
Well, I think you look nice too.
I like your shirt.
Let's get this party going!
- Who's driving tonight?
- Not me, not me, not me!
- Okay, I'm gonna do it.
- [Josh] You're gonna drive?
Not me.
- [Josh] Pick it. Yes.
- Good vibes.
I wanna get fucked up.
Me too.
Not me, not me, not me.
- Oh, no, it's not you.
- All right!
It's Helen!
[all cheering]
- Cheers!
- Cheers to tonight!
- To meeting new friends.
- It's nice to meet you guys.
I've heard a lot of good things
about you guys.
Okay, but for real,
whoever's in the back seat,
you're gonna hear like
a noise.
It's coming from
an El Pollo Loco bag.
I don't want you to open it.
Don't be alarmed.
What the fuck is
in that bag?
Don't be alarmed
if you smell ass.
You're gonna smell a lot of that in Rosie.
I'll tell you that much.
[Vivien] Oh, good.
A nice stinky ride.
- Real appetizing.
- [Helen] All right, let's go!
Who's round, brown,
and ready to go to party town?
Come on! Get in Rosie.
Come on, hurry up!
One, two, three, four.
Everybody shut the door.
Wait. What do you mean,
Regular Helen?
- That's what they call me.
- Regular Helen?
We met
in culinary school, man.
So we met in culinary school.
There were two Helens.
We called her Weird Helen
for obvious reasons.
Then the other girl, by default,
she was Regular Helen.
And she got some note
from the teacher.
He went around,
was tasting all these dishes.
He referred to her
hollandaise sauce as a mistake.
She kind of flinched
a little bit,
picked up her paring knife,
flung it across the room.
And so what happened is
she became Psycho Helen,
and therefore Weird Helen
got promoted to Regular Helen.
If you have a problem making
hollandaise sauce from scratch,
you could just buy it
in a packet, you know?
She was like, "Shut up!"
- That pissed her off.
- It really got her.
[Andi] You guys make culinary
school sound real scary.
I mean, all those knives.
I had a great time.
I bet you did.
I mean, it was funny.
Oh, for sure. I went home
and had a good laugh.
[clinks glass]
I love you both,
and I love this.
And you know I don't do this
all the time,
but I'm gonna sing you
- Ooh!
- She never does this.
I don't, but I'm gonna
do it for you.
My special request this weekend,
that we get to hear her sing.
[clears throat]
The higher I get with you
The further I fall
The lessons I learn
with you
Are worth it all
And if I can't get me right
this time
And you can't get you
Promise compassion
for after
You're full of grace
Sounds like truth
- [applause]
- Oh, my goodness!
You know, the whole restaurant
could hear you.
I'm so happy
this is happening.
Like, honestly. Like...
It's really nice to see this
and see how the universe
can bring two people together.
You know, like...
I'm sorry.
That song really
got me going, you know?
It really brought up
a lot of painful things,
but it's like so beautiful
to be here
and to be reminded that the reason why
you fall in love in the first place
is because you do have
that emotion, and it's real.
You know. I mean...
Oh, Helen,
you're so sweet.
Well, don't tell anybody
'cause I'm not a wuss.
[phone chimes]
I can't sing like you,
Not without whisky.
- [laughter]
- True.
My voice is at the bottom
of the bottle.
- That's actually quite true.
- Raspy voice.
Many things are
at the bottom of the barrel.
But I'm also not,
you know,
I'm never one
to get overly emotional.
Sorry. I wanted you to know
that I actually...
- Hey, guys!
- Oh, my!
Hey, I'm Helen.
Nice to meet ya.
I'm Nikki.
I'm the sister.
I know who you are.
- I'm Josh.
- I'm Vivien.
Oh, yeah, Vivien, Karin.
I know you.
Everyone knows you.
Good to meet you.
Anyway, I wanted to say
really quick
is that I lied to my boss
and told him I was having
my eggs harvested this weekend,
so that I would
not miss this.
I love you that much,
my darlings. Cheers!
- Born of a lie!
- What's gonna happen
when your boss finds out
you still have eggs?
They don't harvest
all of them.
Well, don't yell at him, man.
He just didn't know.
Don't yell at a guy.
Were you still saying anything?
- No, I'm done now.
- Oh, okay, well good.
Because I wanted to take an
opportunity to say a few things.
Oh, you have some things?
I had a couple things I wanted
to say. I think, like...
Technically... You can have it.
I was working on it.
But I guess, technically,
I'm kind of the best man
or whatever.
- The only man.
- The only man at the table.
We may as well change
the terminology to "only man."
Andi has been,
as you probably all know,
has been my best friend
for my whole life, basically.
We've seen each other
at our best and worst.
I've had so many ups and downs
over the years,
and I know that you've had
mostly ups, you know?
And very few downs.
The only downs
I really can think of
is when you guys broke up,
and you were a miserable...
like she absolutely was like
the worst I've ever seen her.
And so I just thought, like,
all right, I guess... if it
was causing her so much trauma,
maybe it wasn't right
or whatever.
Hey, dude, come on.
I... I'm getting there.
Well, who are you, you know?
You just showed up.
So anyway, sorry.
You don't bring up breakups
at these things.
I'm getting to the point.
- You are?
- Yes.
Get to the point.
You know, so it's very clear
that you guys belong together,
- and you are perfect.
- Yes!
I think we should all
raise a glass and say...
[speaking Chinese]
Oh, my God.
He's been trying to learn
Chinese like since I was a kid,
and you always fuck it up,
but I love you anyway.
Gong xi means
I have no idea what the fuck
else you were trying to say.
Gong xi?
Yeah, gong xi, gong xi.
Gong xi, gong xi, man.
Hi, everyone, hi.
I'm sorry I snuck in.
I'm sorry I'm late.
It's all right.
I just want to say,
even though I'm older,
Lu has always been
my big sister,
and she's always taken
such good care of me, you know?
And I brought something
to take care of y'all tonight.
- I want to give it to you.
- I like presents.
What's in the...
Oh, my God.
That's Molly?
Oh, my God.
- Oh, shit.
- Hope you're down to clown
'cause I could take about
four of those right now.
Everybody's looking.
It's gonna be awesome, Lu.
[Nikki] You're gonna take it now?
Yeah, sweet.
Are we supposed to wait?
No. I just didn't expect
everyone to be like, whoo!
I'm gonna give you one.
I'm ready to roll.
Are you chewing it?
- [coughs]
- [Josh] Isn't it bitter?
Drink it with water.
This was a terrible choice.
- Josh.
- [Josh] I better catch up.
Everybody drink water
throughout the night.
[Josh] Police!
How you doing?
- Fine.
- You feeling it yet?
- No.
- No?
I don't wanna go through
the whole weekend
with tension between us.
I mean...
No, it's fine,
there's not.
Look, I was supposed to take
the kids to Adam's office,
and when I got there,
he wasn't there,
and then when he got back, he had
to go straight into a meeting,
and it was just
a total miscommunication.
I thought that...
Nikki, you really
hurt my feelings.
- I know.
- You really let me down.
I'm... I'm really sorry.
This is a big weekend, and I'm
really nervous about it, okay?
I don't really have
a lot of people here.
I promise you I'm here.
I'm ready to just
make it up to you.
I'm ready to just...
Okay, this is...
True love! True love!
[club music]
Hey, what's going on
with Vivien?
She looks like she came from
a lobster dinner at Forever 21.
- They used to fuck.
- They used to fuck?
Fuck buddy.
I think they're
gonna fuck tonight.
I think they should fuck!
The next morning,
I came to my dorm room,
and I found this letter
that was like, "Oh, my God.
Last night was so amazing.
I hope that we can do it again."
And there was like
rose petals everywhere.
That whole message
in rose petals?
- [Well, no, he didn't...
- laughter]
No, he wrote it on paper,
and the rose petals were there.
But I was like,
"What the fuck are you...?"
- I think he got the wrong bed.
- You didn't talk to him?
I didn't talk to him.
I didn't even like barely...
[Josh] Did he know that
you had a boyfriend?
And he also knew
I had a boyfriend.
So I was like,
what is his angle?
I wouldn't do that.
If I knew that someone
had a boyfriend,
- I would be just like, "All
right, fine." -Is she okay?
How you doing?
You okay?
[heavy breathing]
Is this what an orgasm
feels like?
You never had
an orgasm before?
With a dude,
or with like a lady?
Like with Andi?
I... No idea.
Well, I've felt good.
She's had one.
Like a lot.
Are you on antidepressants?
'Cause I was on Lexapro
for three years
and sometimes
you can't finish,
and that's just like
a side effect of it.
I don't want to hear about
fucking antidepressants
one more time, okay?
[Josh] I'm just trying to,
you know, cut the tension.
It's cool. It's cool.
Did my decorations fall down?
No, they were fine.
I just...
I was trying
to make them fancy,
a little fancier.
They weren't fancy enough?
No. I just wanted to contribute
because I wasn't here earlier.
You don't like my decorations.
You don't like
my speech at dinner.
You brought up their breakup.
I know what I said,
and I know that it was dumb.
As soon as I said it,
I realized what I said,
and I started backtracking,
but then you pointed it out
and I looked like an asshole
in front of everybody.
I understand.
I just thought... I was
just trying to protect Lu.
I gotta get some water.
You okay?
I'm okay.
What's wrong?
I just... I feel bad.
I feel like I fucked up.
It's okay, it's all right.
- I'm sorry.
- No, don't worry about it.
I'm sorry
if I was mean just now.
- I don't care that much.
- No, you weren't mean.
It's just
I'm getting a divorce,
and I'm just fucking sensitive
about everything.
- It's all right.
- It's okay. It's okay.
You've still got
a wedding ring on.
Thanks. No.
I'm okay.
I'm sorry.
It's not supposed
to be like this.
I know a lot of people
who have been divorced.
It's a very common thing.
It's a pretty common thing,
Even since I was a kid,
I've had a lot of friends
who've gotten divorced.
Feels really different
when it's you.
This doesn't feel like...
some statistic.
It feels like...
Feels like my life is over.
I know that sounds
really dramatic.
Obviously, it's not.
Your kids are gonna
get real messed up,
but they'll probably be
really independent.
Yeah, thanks.
How many do you have?
- Two.
- Oh, yeah.
They're gonna get
real messed up real good.
You're a nice person.
- I'm all right.
- [laughs]
I, um...
No, it's okay.
I just... I...
- You wanna stop?
- No, I just, uh...
I breastfed two kids, so...
I don't care about that.
I don't care.
I like a woman.
I don't like a little girl,
all right?
- I like a woman.
- You like a big woman?
Yeah, I want a woman.
You feel okay?
- Ouch.
- [laughs]
Yeah, I think I just
need some water.
I have to go help.
Okay, go help.
In the kitchen.
Cook, so...
I'm excited for the day.
Uh, coffee?
Yeah, sure, thanks.
Aren't you married?
It's not the most comfortable
thing to talk about
'cause she's my sister and...
you know.
I guess I was like 11,
and we went to my aunt's house
to go swimming.
She had this communal pool
at her place,
so it was like Lu and me
and our cousin Tanya.
And that day
there was this older girl.
She was probably like
13 or 14,
and she had braces
and this, like, huge cold sore
that was super crusty,
and it kind of like
sloughed off
over the course of the day
in the pool.
Anyway, so we were
in the hot tub,
and I was like
leaning over the edge,
and the jet hit me
at just the right angle,
and then I was like, "Oh!"
Two seconds later,
you know, it happened!
I blurted out
in front of everyone.
"You guys,
the jet just hit my vagina,
and it felt really good!"
And this older girl,
the cold sore girl,
she started laughing at me,
and no one had ever
laughed at me like that before.
And I just froze,
and I was fucking terrified
of the hot tub.
I didn't step foot in it
for the rest of the summer.
I think it's important
to mention
we were not taught
the word "vagina."
I definitely didn't
say it that day.
We were told
it was called a "missy."
And I definitely knew
the word "penis."
So I don't know why my family,
like, you know,
taught us male anatomy
but not female.
Well, I guess I could guess,
It's so... What the fuck?
That's so fucked up.
How are you?
Hungover. How are you?
Yeah, I guess
I'm a little hungover.
You have like
a Molly hangover.
Nikki fucked Josh.
- Lu's sister?
- Yeah.
Yeah, that's her name, right?
Nikki, yeah.
Oh, my God.
Why does he always do this?
Doesn't he know
that she's married?
She just told me
that she's getting a divorce.
A divorce.
Well, I asked,
"You're married, right?"
And she just... Yeah.
She's just so selfish.
I mean, this was supposed to be
nice for us, this weekend.
Now I gotta tell Lu?
Do you?
Yes, I do.
I believe in telling her
It's that Josh always
has to fuck everything,
I guess including
my sister-in-law.
Not me though. Sorry.
Oh, honey.
Are you really feeling bad
about yourself
because he didn't want
to have sex with you?
No, I'm not.
Kind of.
Okay. Gone, gone, gone.
[phone chimes]
My grandma had all these
romance novels in her house,
but they were
my aunt's romance novels.
But she was like always
in and out of rehab.
So my grandma had all these
romance novels in her house,
and I was spending the summer
with her, after my mom died.
And like she would go to work,
and I had all these books
around the house,
and then I started reading.
She was like,
"Don't go in your aunt's room!"
I was curious.
What's in my aunt's room?
She had this huge library of
books and ashtrays everywhere.
But I found this book and said,
"This is a cool cover."
I just remember reading
about this man,
and he had like this
throbbing thing in his jeans.
And I was like,
"What about my throb spot?"
'Cause I started feeling weird
in my pants.
It was crazy.
Then I started touching
where my zipper was,
and I was like,
"How come I don't have that?
What's going on?"
Then I put my hand
a little lower,
and there was something there.
I was like,
"That's my throbber.
How do I get it to grow?"
So I was just addicted
to these books
when my grandma was at work.
And then I remember one day
reading this and going,
"Yeah, yeah, yeah!"
Like really feeling
my throb spot,
and just went to town all
afternoon in my grandma's bed.
We had to share it
at the time.
Looking back, I feel like
I disrespected my grandma.
But that year at school,
we had health,
and we learned about
puberty and stuff,
and the lady was like,
"And then an orgasm happens."
And then I rose my hand like,
"Oh, I know what those are."
And ever since then,
I've been really touching myself
at anything that turns me on.
I saw this lady
wash her dog once,
and her tits moved when she
was scrubbing the undercarriage.
All I could think about was
being in that dog's skin
and like having this woman's
tits graze across my back.
So yeah,
I could come to anything.
- Oh, God.
- Well, there she is.
Good morning, guys.
Mmm! You smell so good.
- Hey, Andi, good morning.
- Hey.
How are you this morning?
Good. How are you feeling?
Good, yeah.
Would you just please
keep it in your pants, okay?
Just for one fucking weekend.
[phone chimes]
Hope you guys like
mini quiches.
I hope you guys
like mini quiches
All right, brunch time!
Oh, my God, I need food
so bad right now.
What was that all about?
Just stupid.
Just Josh being Josh.
You guys eat fruit weird.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Oh, my God, what if you guys
kiss right now?
What? It looked like you guys
were gonna kiss.
Can you guys
just cut it out, please?
Grow up, be a little mature.
This is a bachelorette party.
No. Yeah, grow up.
- You wanna open some presents?
- Yeah, let's open presents.
Mine's gonna suck,
so just don't get too excited.
Come on!
Don't short-sell yourself.
This could be
the best present.
I doubt it.
- Oh!
- You can wear it every day.
You get the practical shit
for every day.
Make it work.
- Period panties, yeah.
- Thank you.
I don't care if they're cute.
Sling it on your vagina
when you're on your period.
This is my gift!
- [groans]
- Thanks.
Really classy stuff.
- Is it a hat?
- It does look like a hat.
Is it a hat?
[Krin] No, but we could
also figure that out.
Okay, well, first we got
these little titty tassels.
That's what I was
imagining you wearing!
They feel kinda Christmassy.
Look at these!
You come in 2.5 seconds
every time.
I have them in four colors.
- A whole rainbow.
- Yeah, the whole rainbow.
I bet they're great
for tantric.
Do you guys know
what that is?
It's like when you almost come,
and then you stop,
and then you go again,
and then you almost come.
You don't...
Okay, can you guys just stop?
Can you stop?
No, no, dude,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I can't even believe I have to say
please stop making fun of me.
I'm sorry.
I got those two weeks ago.
No, you were just
making fun of me.
You were eating the fruit
and making girl-coming sounds.
That had nothing to do with you.
That wasn't about you.
Okay, well, who did it have
something to do with then?
- What?
- Are you gonna tell her?
What's happening?
Tell me what?
They were making fun
of me and Josh.
Why were they making fun
of you and Josh?
Because we, um...
We had sex.
She's got a big problem with it.
You fucked Josh?
You cheated on Adam?
- No, I didn't cheat on Adam.
- Yeah, you did.
If you fucked Josh,
you cheated on Adam.
We're separated.
You're separated?
Yes, I'm separated from Adam,
and yesterday...
How long have you been...
Look, I just didn't want to
tell you before this weekend.
I wanted you to have
a good weekend.
I'm sorry, I was trying
to protect you by waiting
till after the weekend
to tell you about it.
You didn't wait till after
the weekend to fuck somebody.
Oh, no.
Guys, just chill out
for a second.
I'm sorry, you guys.
You guys are
fucking obnoxious.
So you guys weren't just trying
to turn me on with that fruit?
I don't know
what we were doing.
We were fucking around.
It just got out of hand.
Did you know?
Is that what you and Josh were
talking about in the kitchen?
Did you know?
Everybody knew?
What the fuck?
I'm sick of this going on.
Vivien just told me
10 minutes ago,
and I didn't have time
to tell you. And I'm...
This is all
so fucking weird now.
Everything's weird.
Everything's weird.
I want to make it right.
[Helen] Why was Lu thinking you
guys were making fun of her?
I mean, everything
about last night.
What happened last night?
Are you kidding?
No, I'm asking.
She admitted
she's never had an orgasm.
Lu's never had an orgasm?
Lu and Andi have
never had an orgasm?
This exact same reaction
last night.
You don't remember that?
No. We were all drinking.
We all got out of hand.
You were
the designated driver.
Yeah, to the bar, Vivien.
No. "Designated"
means to and from.
Okay, well, I got us to,
and an Uber took us from.
You want me to kick them out?
I'll kick every one of them out.
I'm not that strong,
but I'll do it.
I'll do anything
for you, baby.
I just want you
to be happy.
And I just want you
to feel good.
You know that, right?
You know that, right?
So just let me know
what I can do.
I love you.
I know.
I love you too.
I do. I just don't want there
to be any...
It's all weird now,
and I feel like...
Hey, guys. Sorry to interrupt.
I bought you guys this gift.
We didn't really get a chance
to do my gift yet.
- Oh, it's okay.
- Thank you so much.
Let's just do it later.
I really appreciate it.
Thank you.
I feel really bad
about the come thing
because I didn't know,
and I blacked out.
- And I'm really sorry.
- Helen?
- I really didn't mean it, Andi.
- It's fine.
I felt bad,
so I'm really sorry.
- It's all good.
- Okay.
And I also left my van
at the bar,
so we need to get it
and I was wondering
maybe if you wanna ride,
kinda get out of here...
I would love to get the fuck outta here.
I'm gonna go, okay?
- Okay, I love you.
- Love you.
I love you guys too.
Okay. It's okay.
You know what, he's like
a really good dad.
He's really good to you.
What did you do?
I'd rather not talk about it
right in this very moment.
Okay, or ever, like...
No, I just don't,
you know.
I just...
- Okay.
- Okay, okay.
This the first time up here?
Oh, yeah, for me,
for sure, yeah.
How you liking it?
I'm having a great time.
Honestly, Doug,
it's been really rough.
It's just really tense.
We're up here for a bachelorette
weekend, and it just...
Things just kinda blew up.
Well, there's a lot to do.
It's quiet, obviously.
- How long you gonna stay for?
- The weekend.
Okay, cool.
I'm a sleep-eater.
- I'm sorry, what?
- What do you mean?
It's kind of like
sleepwalking, but...
instead of just walking,
I walk to the kitchen,
and I prepare food.
- Like actual meals?
- No, no.
Probably the weirdest thing
I ever made
was I retiled
our entire kitchen
out of different
colored cookies.
Oh, cool. That's cool.
I made a big mosaic pattern
Apparently I took the cookie,
got butter, spread it on there,
got a fork with the ridges,
made little ridges in there,
stuck it right on.
I used to be a stone mason,
so it comes naturally to me.
- Like artwork?
- Yeah!
Sometimes I eat it,
sometimes I leave it.
It's really beautiful
how the mind works.
That's your subconscious
just really emitting
through the physical world.
I think that inside
I'm like this struggling artist,
and it wants to come out
at night.
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
or something.
I would love to see
like a blog of this.
Do you have like a...
was is it, a portfolio?
- I've actually got a site.
- What?
I'll send you a link.
Okay. I mean,
you guys aren't talking.
- I have a headache.
- Lu, it's all about you.
- Oh, my God.
- Well, you know what?
- Come on. This is... come on.
- All right, I'm sorry.
There's a lot of tension.
- Thanks, Doug, yeah.
- You're welcome.
Thank you guys.
Great to meet you, dude.
[Doug] Do that survey.
Could you, please?
Yeah, five stars
all the way, dude.
I really appreciate it,
you guys.
[Helen] Let me know if you
wanna hang out sometime.
- Definitely! Take care.
- Bye.
That guy was all right.
I'll say that I don't recall
my first orgasm.
Just doesn't... I don't know.
I have no idea, no answer.
Just probably
could have been anything.
Probably was masturbating
or something like that.
I do recall that Andi
became sexually active
much earlier than me.
I was a late bloomer
on all fronts,
and she would kind of divulge
every little detail.
I remember taking note
and remembering...
those stories.
You know what I'm saying?
She might see a girl's boobs,
and a girl
might also see hers.
That's all it really took
back then was hearing something,
and to be honest,
that's all it really takes now.
I hope my mom
doesn't see this.
Whatever. I don't care
if she sees it.
I don't know why
you would fuck her
when I'm just getting
tons of text messages
about how fucking annoyed
you are with her.
Like is that the solution,
just putting your dick in her
to shut her up?
I was wrong.
She's a nice person.
She's going through
a rough time.
Everybody is a nice person.
Everybody is going through
a rough time.
- Is everybody?
- Yes!
Actually I do think
most people are not bad people.
They just do shitty things,
like having sex
with their best friend's
future sister-in-law.
I thought
that she was divorced.
Or getting a divorce.
And I thought you knew.
Well, we didn't know.
That's not my fault.
No, actually,
it's not your fault.
Maybe communication
was just bad.
Speaking of which, why are you
taking everything out on me?
Why is communication so bad
with you in your relationship?
You made it seem like you guys
had this open thing going on.
Were you totally
unaware of this?
You had no idea?
She was faking it, right?
What am I supposed to do about
the fact that she's faking it?
I don't know.
I mean, maybe there's another
angle to look at, you know?
Are you a dead fish
in the bed?
How dare you accuse me
of being a dead fish?
You're always bragging,
talking a big game.
That's 'cause I am
the liveliest fish you ever met.
I'm splashing
all over the place.
I don't know why
she didn't tell me.
- Maybe it's not her fault.
- But she didn't tell me.
What, it's my fault?
You never considered that?
Uh, well, tell me
how it would be my fault
if she did not tell me
something that I did not know.
Uh, let me put it this way.
You seem to not be aware
of everything going on,
except for what's easiest
for you.
What are you talking about?
Whether you have always
chosen to ignore it
or you're just
completely oblivious,
I don't know.
But you seem to have
zero awareness
that I've just been
in love with you
for like the last 30 years.
Oh, my God.
Are you really gonna...
Josh! Fuck you!
Do not push this shit on me now!
I'm getting married!
I'm not trying to woo you
or steal you away.
I'm trying to prove a point.
- What are you even...
- You have no idea.
You ignore whatever's
in front of you
and just take what's
most convenient for you.
And I'm telling you,
as a best friend,
not as a "you suck."
You understand
what I'm saying?
I haven't been trying
to mock you.
I haven't been trying
to make fun of you.
I'm trying to tell you
that this is something,
I'm not positive,
but to consider.
[children giggling]
You're pulling my hair.
- No! No hair pulling.
- Don't pull her hair!
Hey, you guys,
I think we gotta get going.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay, but we miss you.
- Miss you.
Bye. I miss you too.
- Bye.
- Bye.
I love you guys.
Hey, Frankie,
can you give me a call
before you go to bed
Okay, love you.
- Okay.
- They're okay.
Yeah, yeah,
that made me feel better.
[ Helen] Hey, you guys
ready to go back?
Or you guys down to clown?
- Can we not?
- I think we need to take a beat.
I just need some space.
All right.
I got something I can give ya.
The Vengabus
is down to party, huh?
I got you something special
for this bachelorette weekend.
Oh, my God.
Please say that's weed.
- Yeah, it's weed.
- Oh, my God, yes!
Look at this!
Like King Tut, baby.
- Like for real.
- What is this made out of?
- It's real gold, man.
- I'm just kidding.
You can touch that.
You can smoke it.
These are like a 24 karat.
You're really thoughtful.
You brought us
like Molly and stuff.
- Just like a good mom does.
- [laughter]
I didn't mean it like that.
That's like, uh...
"Don't forget your lunchbox.
Don't forget the Molly."
Like, I should've brought that.
Does it taste weird?
I think gold
burns your throat.
- Oh, shit!
- It's gonna burn a little bit.
Hey, sweetcakes.
Hey, Andi.
What ya doin'?
This feels
like an intervention.
No, we love you,
and we miss you.
That makes it feel
more like an intervention.
Dude, I haven't seen you
in like 10 months.
I know. It's true. Hug.
I was gonna give this
to you at brunch,
but it didn't seem to be
an appropriate time.
The latest issue of The
Adventures of Kitty and Pup.
It's a special bachelorette
edition Kitty and Pups.
Okay, tell me a story
of Kitty and Pup.
Here's what it's about.
Twenty years in the making.
Here, you see Pup is saying,
"I'm hungry."
- Can you believe it?
- [Andi] He's always hungry.
Yeah, and Kitty's like,
"How about tuna?"
And he goes, "Oh, okay."
Then there's
a tuna fish there,
and it says,
"I'm dead. Eat me."
Kitty is like,
"Oh, more tuna, please,"
'cause the cook
is really good.
"Holy cow, that chef.
I can't get her
out of my kitty-cat mind."
And then she's thinking
about the chef,
then they hit it off,
and then they're just
gonna have that tuna forever.
Pup is like, "I like tuna too,"
and he tries to eat it,
but he puts it in his eye
instead of his mouth.
Sweet of you.
It's gonna be fine.
The situation right here?
What is going on, dude?
Female orgasm techniques.
[Krin] Is the G-spot
the same for everyone?
Definitely, I don't...
No, definitely not.
Every woman,
I find it in different places.
This isn't gonna be helpful
for you.
- Let's go get some tea, huh?
- You get a suit on.
We're gonna read this
Got a little surprise
for you.
- Come on, guys.
- Here we go.
- That was nice.
- Yeah, they're good.
- Adam's a good guy.
- They seem really happy.
So you're getting a D?
No. I don't know. Maybe.
It looks that way,
but I don't know,
'cause he's seeing somebody.
Oh, no! Who?
Who the fuck is he seeing?
I've been lonely,
but he's seeing somebody.
He's seeing...
Do you remember Diane, his ex?
Yeah, she's nuts.
- And she's got fake boobs.
- Come on.
And she's five years
younger than me.
- She goes tanning.
- She goes tanning?
- She goes tanning.
- Okay, see ya.
- Her name's Diane?
- Yeah.
- And she goes tanning?
- Yeah.
Hello, it's me,
Diane Sawyer.
I'm gonna go tanning
with my fake tits.
He's taking that
to the bone zone?
What? What?
He's taking that chick
to the bone zone?
Okay, so Josh makes sense.
I mean,
not really, but...
I see the emotional journey,
just not the choice.
I guess he is the only guy.
He's the only guy here,
so... No. I'm sorry.
Doesn't it feel better
that you told me,
the way you're talking?
You can't leave stuff
bottled up inside.
You really can't.
- Guess I'm one to talk.
- You're right, if I would, if I would... well.
Are you okay?
What's wrong with me?
Like, am I broken?
- No, you're not broken.
- No.
Clearly something's wrong.
I think it's
a totally normal thing,
and maybe you just...
What if like, as soon as I come,
I become Beyonc or something?
That's a start right here.
All the sudden,
I'm just like ah-ah-ah,
and there's like
all these girls behind me.
Everywhere I go,
I'm dancing.
You did it!
What if those girls shot out
of your puss when you came?
And then you created
this Beyonc marching band.
It'd be like five,
six, seven, eight!
You know those little dinosaurs you
put in water and then they grow?
- And they expand?
- Yeah!
But it's those girls
that shoot outta your puss.
- Backup dancers.
- Wow.
Beyonc's like smoking gold.
Beyonc only smokes gold.
All I smoke is gold
All I, all I smoke is gold
Did you make that up?
Yeah, she's smokin' gold.
It's all about
your breath, okay.
You've gotta like sync
the breath with the rhythm.
- Like how?
- And the body.
It's the physical,
it's the emotional,
it's the spiritual.
Do guys, too?
- What?
- Have to do that, too?
Yeah. Bro, we have stuff
to talk about,
if you don't realize.
You get a boner
from a brass instrument.
- Yeah, tromboner.
- You don't worry about that.
The only reason that I was
taking trombone lessons
is because you went
through a ska phase,
which you should be
embarrassed about.
I'm not embarrassed.
I'm not embarrassed.
Maybe I just missed the way
things were or something.
- I miss you.
- No.
You just wanted
to have sex with Josh.
And that was
the way things were.
I just miss you.
I miss you too.
I've been thinking
about something.
And I don't want you
to take this the wrong way,
because you know
that I love you
and I'm not trying to tell you
that you're a bad person.
But what I've been
thinking about is that...
I think that Lu
is probably thinking about you
when you guys are having sex.
What else should she
be thinking about?
Herself and what
makes her feel good.
I think that you just need
to make her feel like safe.
[speaking native language]
[continues speaking
native language]
You know, you'll go to hell,
I come from
a Middle Eastern family,
and orgasms don't exist
in the Middle East.
They're not allowed to,
so, um, you know,
as far as I know,
out loud,
I've never had one of those.
Yeah, didn't have one.
Probably will never have one.
I'm a pretty good, good woman.
I'm a good woman.
Yeah, I mean, growing up,
I couldn't actually have sex
without it being
this really like painful,
intense thing.
It had to be like really
kind of like this intense thing
'cause in a way
I was reliving things
that a lot of women live,
But I've totally
reclaimed that now.
When I get up onstage,
it's like,
that's like
I own that platform.
I get up,
there's no nerves there.
It's like here I am,
this is what I am,
and there's
this total control.
It's like this, I own it.
So in the bedroom,
I'm sort of getting there.
It's so weird
that I can get up
and just be like
totally owning my sexuality.
And I'm like, "Aah!"
And everybody's like, "Yeah!"
And you're like, "Uhh!"
But then in the bedroom,
I'm like,
"Oh, like that's vulnerable."
Oh, my God.
I was with this person,
and they were just like,
"I'm gonna do this to you
and that to you,
and I'm gonna do this
and don't make a sound."
And I was thinking,
"What the fuck?
That's what I do.
I make sounds."
I gotta breathe through this.
I'm not gonna come
if I don't breathe
through this.
It was so crazy
'cause I felt so safe
that I just grabbed her neck.
"Don't fucking tell me
not to breathe."
And I was like,
"Whoa! It happened!"
They were doing it
in like a fun way.
It was like this snake
that came out of me.
This like, I don't know...
[imitating explosion]
And I just like turned into
this like powerful beast.
Rough ride.
What's up?
How's this pool party going?
- Hey, babe.
- Hi!
Hey, sorry about that scare,
but I think
it's pool time, baby.
We got snacks?
- Gimme a kiss.
- [Krin] Get in your swimsuits.
- [Josh] Come on!
- Okay, get in your swimsuit.
I'm so happy
y'all are in the tub
All of you in the tub
You, my friend
Thanks for listening.
What? Thank you!
Don't push that in there
'cause we'll get electrocuted.
No, it's battery operated.
There's no source of power.
I don't buy it!
"Mind Over Heart"!
"Mind Over Your Heart"!
This sounds hilarious.
Put your head down
On my lap
Let me see you reach
for the edge
And then crack
'Cause I assure you
To hold you
in the depths of your dread
As I assure too
But I prefer you
when you find
A way to transcend it
'Cause your shadows
Sweep across the rooms
in my head
I'm still in the room
behind the door
Oh, what you
initially said
'Cause you know
You put your mind
over your
Over your heart
You put your mind
over your
Over your heart
You put your mind
over your heart, you said
You lose the love
you found, you said
You lose the love
that you felt initially
And when you hide it away
Sets off the alarms
The alarms, the alarms
And when you
When you're hiding away
How it tires me
'Cause I'm always
holding space
For our love,
For our love
For our love.
Wait, let me focus on you.
Did you just... come?
- No?
- Andi...
- What? I...
- It's fine.
I mean,
you don't have to stop.
I mean...
I can't help it.
I kinda think...
I'm so worried about my nieces.
I feel like...
You're totally avoiding
the issue right now.
Could we just actually,
like, talk about it?
I don't understand
why you just didn't tell me.
I don't know, I don't know.
I almost did and then I didn't.
And I'm sorry, and...
You've been with
a lot of girls
and I've only... you know,
you're my first girl,
and this is the best sex
I've ever had, for sure.
But I've always had
this problem,
and I just, I thought
maybe it would go away.
I thought, like,
How's it supposed to go away
if I don't even know about it?
I don't know. I thought maybe
it's something that happens.
I know it's really lame like
how it came out and everything,
but it's out now,
and I feel kind of relieved.
Yeah, well, I'm glad
one of us is relieved.
Andi, that's not fair.
I guess we have to fix this.
I just need to fix it,
that's it.
Or what?
Or what?
We'll break up?
- Again?
- [sighs]
I guess.
I just... am worried
that if you're
hiding this from me,
I don't know
what else you're hiding.
I'm not hiding anything else
from you, I swear.
I swear.
I care that everybody says
that I'm like
the type of person
who doesn't make you
feel safe.
You don't make me feel safe.
Well, that doesn't feel good
for me to hear.
Like, you're not easy
to talk to.
You're really not.
It is not my job to make you
speak up for yourself
when I don't even know there
are things you want to speak.
That's called being an adult!
It's called
standing up for yourself!
It's called growing
the fuck up!
This is exactly why
I don't tell you anything.
[Josh] It all tastes, you
know, eye-squinty to me.
When you drink it,
do your eyes squint?
- It makes my eyes squint.
- Because you don't like it?
- Who was that?
- It's Lu.
She just left?
She leave something
in the car?
I don't think she left
something in the car.
- Babe?
- [knocking]
You okay?
Can you just give me
a minute?
Nikki, I don't know
if this is gonna work out.
She told me to grow up
and like learn
how to stick up for myself
or say what I need.
So I just ran away
like a fucking...
I mean, maybe...
maybe she's not the one.
But I think maybe you
shouldn't get married.
I don't know.
I can't answer that
for you.
But I know she loves you.
And she's right.
You need to...
Don't take this the wrong way.
She's right.
You need to be able
to tell her what you need.
I can't talk to her.
I don't know.
Or to anybody, really, I guess.
It takes so much to just...
like I have to like
puff myself up,
and then it just feels like
I'm being lame or something.
Like, why can't I just let
everything roll off my back?
Or, I don't know,
I just wanted there to be no...
- Drama?
- Yeah.
I just like everything
to be chill.
With Adam, you know, I...
I cheated on him
with this guy
that didn't mean anything
to me because...
Yeah, I mean, he...
Not Josh.
No, I mean,
the reason why we separated
is because I was
with this other guy.
- Nikki.
- Yeah, I know, I know.
Just listen.
He came on to me
really strongly
and was giving me
this attention
that I hadn't got from Adam
in a long time.
And instead of asking him
for more
and telling him
what I wanted,
what I needed from him, I...
I went and...
now I've lost Adam,
and that's, you know...
And I just don't want that
to happen to you.
I want you to be
with the person that you love
and be able to get
the things that you want
and that you need from them.
Don't be a fuck-up like me.
- That's the goal.
- [laughs]
You want some space?
You want me to stay?
No, go ahead. I...
I need some more
running water sounds in my life.
You mean like a Zen meditation
retreat in the woods.
I might need one of those
little plug-in things
that you can get
at the airport.
Um, so I was pretty young
when I found out about orgasms.
We didn't call them that,
My friends and I,
we were 8,
and we'd call it
"getting the feeling."
Around like the same time,
I was also 8 and, um...
And you...
you don't want to admit that
that fucked you up,
and you don't wanna...
you don't wanna be affected.
You want to be stronger
than letting it fuck you up.
But in high school,
when all my friends were
hooking up and having sex,
I wasn't.
I came up with
a lot of excuses,
like I'm not pretty,
boys aren't interested,
but the truth is that I was
just really, really scared.
And so when I finally
had sex for the first time,
I really hated it,
and it really hurt.
It hurt a lot.
It made me feel like
I was just some vessel
for someone else
to get off on.
It took me
a really long time,
and it wasn't until
I met this guy.
We were a terrible couple.
Really bad.
We would just
get high as fuck
and then like have sex
all night long.
But he made me feel
really safe.
He gave me the freedom
to like move against him
in a way that felt
really good for me.
And when I finally came
for the first time,
he like lifted off me
and was like, "Oh, my God!
I've never had a girl just
like go for it like that."
And we kinda laughed,
but he thought it was
really, really hot.
And that made me feel
even safer.
Definitely the worst
relationship ever,
but it gave me...
It just... I learned more about
myself and how to be me.
[fire crackling]
How's Lu?
Not good.
I think we just,
we fucked the weekend.
Yeah, it wasn't
a bad weekend, per se.
I would just go ahead and say
it was kinda bad.
People were having fun
in the pool.
No, it wasn't all bad.
You're right.
I stayed in the pool
too long.
It just now
seems like it's...
I feel like you guys should
ease up on yourselves a little.
These were their problems,
and actually this is great.
Now they have
to talk about it.
All right, now I feel
totally better.
You know what? Can I be honest?
I actually had that observation,
but I didn't feel like
it was my place to make it.
You're right. It was not
your place to make it.
I feel great now.
We can get this weekend
back on track.
Yeah, we pushed those problems
right through.
Yeah, now they're just like
face to face.
- You're welcome.
- [laughs]
Happy weekend!
Happy weekend.
Yeah, maybe bad timing,
but I don't know.
It's better than like,
much later, I guess.
They have no idea
what we're talking about.
They're in the zone.
They can't hear me.
I don't know
where the fuck I am.
Hey, babe.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Well, what did I miss?
I don't know.
How you doing?
- What?
- Is someone here?
Someone order a pizza?
What? No.
Oh, hey, Doug!
- What's up?
- Hey, somebody invited Doug.
Where are you going?
Listen, um...
I'm very sorry.
I just spent the last
20 minutes up in the room,
thinking about things,
and I don't know
how to fix this.
Um, obviously,
I'm selfish.
I'm a total asshole.
I don't make you feel safe.
I kind of feel like the real
big problem right now is me.
And so, yeah,
I think that I should go.
No! No!
No, I love you,
you love me.
We're in this together.
You're not going anywhere, okay?
If I can't make you feel good,
why do you even love me?
Shut up! Listen!
I'm talking to you, okay?
We don't need to fix it.
We don't need to fix it
right now.
We're gonna work it out,
Yes, you're a bitch, okay?
You're a fucking bitch,
and we're gonna
get fucking married
and have the rest of our lives
to figure this shit out.
We're gonna have kids,
and they're gonna have problems,
and we're gonna be there
for them too, okay?
This is just
one speed bump in life,
and we're gonna have
so many more,
and they're gonna be about
more than just orgasms, okay?
And trust, they're gonna be
about... I don't even know!
Fucking, our dog dying,
or I don't know.
- You want us to have a dog?
- We're gonna get a dog!
We're gonna talk
about that, okay?
I really want one,
a medium-sized one, all right?
I promise this is nothing,
and we...
we're it.
Please, just...
I love you so much.
- I'm so snotty.
- Yeah, you are.
I never saw you
like that before.
Do you like it?
Can you hear me now?
I'm talking!
I'm telling you how I feel!
This is cool.
This is not
how I usually am.
I like that side of you,
It's really cool to see you
open up like that with us.
This is the side of me
that you guys like?
- It's the softer side.
- You guys are all fucking assholes.
Now show me your tits.
We love it!
Oh, no!
I forgot about that part.
Is this appropriate anymore?
Yeah, I thought
when I admitted it,
it would be the worst thing
in the world.
I just...
It just was, I don't know.
I just was so scared
of that moment.
But it wasn't that bad.
It's actually better now
because there's honesty,
and there's also
this potential world
that we haven't
even discovered yet.
I haven't.
Um, my first orgasm
is still TBD.
But it hasn't happened yet.
Hasn't happened yet!
And that's all good.
And yeah, everyone's
just waiting, you know.
No pressure. Just...
I'll let everybody know
the updates.
Um, and, yeah.
it is happening to me
Right in front of my face
My feelings
can't describe it
Meeting Mrs. Right
The girl of my dreams
The one who showed me
true love
Or least it seems
With brown cocoa skin
And curly black hair
It's just the way
she looks at me
That gentle loving stare
Finally you've come along
The way I feel about you
It just can't be wrong
If you only knew
the way I feel about you
I just can't describe it
Oh, no
it is happening to me
Right in front of my face
And I just cannot hide it
it is happening to me
Right in front of my face
My feelings
can't describe it
it is happening to me
Right in front of my face
And I just cannot hide it
It seems so many times
You seemed to be the one
But all I ever wanted
Was to have a little fun
But now you've come along
And brightened up my world
In my heart I feel it
I'm that
special kind of girl
Finally you've come along
The way I feel about you
It just can't be wrong
If you only knew
the way I feel about you
I just can't describe it
Oh, no
it is happening to me
Right in front of my face
My feelings
can't describe it
it is happening to me
Right in front of my face
And I just cannot hide it
it is happening to me
Right in front of my face
My feelings
can't describe it
["All I Smoke is Gold"]