The Female Brain (2017) Movie Script

[projector clicking]
[instrumental music]
Okay. H -- h.. Is this..
H -- hello?
I am Julia Brizendine
and I am a neurologist.
I know.
Sounds geeky.
But I basically
stare into
people's heads all day,
which is a dream for me
because ever since
I was a kid
I've always wished
I could read
people's minds.
Life is so much easier
now that I have a machine
that lets me see
inside people's brains.
I can even find out
emotional intelligence
by showing them photos
of faces
and then seeing
if they can identify
the expressions on them.
Sorry, I'm being
such a dork, but come on.
How cool is that?
Anyway, I -- I work
at a university now
and I think
what ultimately drives
my research today
is my fascination
and frustration
with phrases like this..
Women are obsessed
with marriage.
Men are obsessed with sex.
These are all stereotypes
that at one point
or another
we've probably all heard.
Maybe even thought.
Now, I'm not
only gonna talk
about the female brain
We know a lot more
about the male brain
but that's mostly because
they've been studied more.
We know that, uh,
men have bigger heads
and thicker skulls.
And in the old days,
scientists used to think
that that meant that
they had bigger brains too.
But in 1995,
we found out
that women have
the exact same number
of brain cells,
just jammed
into a smaller space.
So, if we just found that
out recently
then what else
don't we know
about the male
and the female brain?
Well, we already know
that we struggle
to understand
and relate to each other
but the good news is
that in my studies
I discovered a lot about
how our primal neurology
and sometimes sabotages
our relationships.
This is Steven and Lisa
and they've been married
for 12 years.
Now, like any couple
Steven and Lisa
have their issues
but what if I could
tell you
that a lot
of their problems
actually have
a biological basis.
What are you doing, dude?
Get off!
I feel like this mirror
is gonna fall.
- What do you think?
- I don't know. I'm 40.
Now you come on, get up.
Help me.
So I figure,
wouldn't it be helpful
to just see inside
their heads
to find out why
they act the way they do?
Well, first of all,
it's helpful to know
that women are generally
more sensitive
to threats than men are.
This is because of
the part of the brain
that senses danger,
the amygdala.
In women, this area
is more easily activated
which is why
we're more attuned
to potential dangers
that men
may not even notice.
It also doesn't help
that we're typically
smaller than men
and full of holes.
Hurry up.
So, the reason couples
are less passionate
after being together
for a while
is because
after about two years
their brains
stop producing dopamine
the feel good chemical.
After that,
they produce oxytocin
which bonds you
with someone.
This explains why Steven
and Lisa are less sexual
but more committed.
And yes,
this even happens
to attractive people.
Are you gonna pick up Ty
at school or am I?
I'm done early.
I'll do it.
Okay. Let go.
It's -- it's
the same thing.
[piano music]
Oh, come on.
- Mom! Let's go!
- Okay.
Ow! Ow!
This is Lexi and Adam.
They've been together
for two or three years
depending on who you ask.
Ow! Oh. Oh. Ow.
- Better, right?
- What am I looking at?
You don't notice
anything different?
Oh, oh, yeah!
- That is better.
- What is?
- Your face.
- Eyebrows!
Oh, right.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Or do you think
I need to darken them?
I don't know,
I feel like suddenly
I've got this fringe.
They kind of,
they kind of disappear
and it makes me look
a bit ill.
The area of the brain
for recognizing
errors and flaws
is larger
in the female brain.
This makes women
more self-conscious
and more likely
to be perfectionists.
Scientists call it
whereas people tend to
call it being neurotic.
Can we not play
the eyebrow game today?
- I'm sorry.
- I mean I suck at it.
- I really do.
- Okay. Okay.
- It's my teeth.
- Hmm.
I whitened them too much.
Ugh! You see?
They're whiter
than the whites
of my eyes.
It makes my skin yellow.
- Classic.
- I don't want to play --
teeth whitening mistake.
- I'm bad at the
teeth game too.
- Is it?
Sorry. Sorry.
Oh, I gotta get the fuck
out of here. I'm late.
No! Stop!
Don't touch that!
- Back off! Get away.
- Please. Just..
You wanna pop it.
- Can I just say
one thing?
- No.
That is
a clogged hair follicle
and I can deal with that
in two seconds.
- No, I don't want you
to deal with it.
- It'll be gone.
- Just like that. Please.
- No. Don't touch it.
- Leave it alone.
- Please.
Grooming causes
the female brain
to release endorphins,
another feel-good
This is nature's way
of motivating us
to stay hygienic
and prevent infection.
Monkeys do it.
Lions do it.
Girlfriends do it.
- It hurts like a bitch.
- You never let me
do anything!
And you don't use
the scrub I gave you
and also let us not forget
the extremely generous
Christmas present
I gave you.
It was the gift voucher
for the Brazilian
- Yes.
- Ah!
- You're welcome.
- Right!
The gift voucher for the
Brazilian straightening.
- For my hair.
- Yeah. Yes.
Right. Yeah, no,
you're right.
I didn't use that actually
'cause I -- I like my hair.
It looks..
It looks cool.
It looks disheveled and.. makes me feel
Like unpredictable..
"Who -- who is that guy?"
- Like, "What's -- what's
his story?" You know?
- No.
"What's he up to?
I don't trust him.
I don't trust him."
I like it.
I feel like I look like
Bo Duke from
"The Dukes Of Hazzard."
I don't even know
who that is.
You don't know
"The Dukes Of Hazzard?"
You don't get
"The Dukes Of Hazzard"
in the UK?
Well, maybe it was
my American accent.
Y -- you don't know
"The Dukes Of Hazzard?"
You've never heard of
"The Dukes Of Hazzard?"
The Duke boys?
They get in the car
and they jump!
And they jump around.
They -- they ju..
They get in their little..
Oh! Oh!
- Looks like the Duke boys
are up to no good!
- That's not my voice.
- You've never seen that?
- That's not how
British people talk.
- You say
"Dukes Of Hazzard."
- "Dukes Of Hazzard."
"Dukes Of Hazzard."
I don't want to get
my hair straightened.
One, 'cause I like
the way it looks
and I'm a guy,
I have a girlfriend.
- It doesn't even matter.
Who cares?
- Yeah.
Well, my dad does
because it's his
60th birthday this weekend
and I think he would
appreciate a
- Yeah?
- Yes.
If your dad cares about
the way my hair looks
I will give him
a million..
I'll give him
a blowjob.
I will get a rocket
and go shoot him and I
into space,
and I will give him
ten blowjobs in space.
If your dad gives
a fuck about my hair.
Hey? Zoe?
And here is Zoe and Greg.
They've been together
a year, married a year.
Just because you scored
33 points last night
doesn't mean
I'm getting back
in that bed with you.
You know it's really
not that impressive.
I put a ball in a hoop.
I play a sport invented
for children.
Hey, I have to go to work.
And you have to
ice your balls
or whatever
you do all day.
Yeah, why do you
work again?
I'm a professional
I could support both of us
and like 20 other people.
Well, because this isn't
the 1800s, okay?
I contribute to society.
I'm my own person
with your last name.
Which you..
What are you..
Just give that to me.
Are you okay?
You're doing that thing
where you give me
your stuff to do
and don't actually
let me do it.
I'm sorry.
It's just work.
When humans are
under stress, the brain
releases cortisol
a chemical involved
in the response.flight
But female brains
can reduce the secretion
of cortisol
by organizing things
and getting obsessed
with details
which allow her
to feel in control.
Now, a couple
thousand years ago
this behavior was useful
but today it probably
just seems like
we're solving problems
that don't exist.
Why don't you quit
You could retire,
be a basketball wife.
- Oh.
- You could start
a jewelry line.
Be on VH1.
Oh, yeah, or I could not
set women back 60 years
and could work hard
for another year or so.
Start my own company,
and like..
...maybe I could even
give you a job.
'Cause like how much longer
can you do this, you know.
Will you please
just let me write you
a check for that?
I'm not taking your money.
You know that. Okay?
I'm not going to be
a stereotype.
No one thinks
you're a gold digger.
Gold diggers
don't wake up at 6 a.m.
or carry briefcases.
- I love you.
- I love you too.
Oh! Hey, Dave!
Come on in!
Don't get up, man!
I need you to rest!
I'm sorry.
I thought I was..
I thought I was
unlocking the door.
I've got 50 bucks on you
scoring 20 points tonight!
My man.
- You -- you bet on me?
- Oh, absolutely.
You think I can pay
my bills with this
shitty job?
Window -- windows
look good, man, you..
So clean!
Birds hit 'em
all the time.
They think it, they think
it's just air.
That's how good you are..
He can't hear me.
That's stupid.
Julia, did you know
we've been going
since 7 a.m.
and it's now 3 p.m.?
No. No.
Do you need a coffee
or something?
No, thanks.
Okay, so in this test
the females
were much better
at identifying fear
and sadness
on people's faces,
like, much more.
Yes, and males were better
at identifying anger.
We know that.
Got it.
Noted. Smoothie?
- This disparity is crazy.
- Berry Blast?
You know, I think
we should administer
the test again.
Next week.
Just to make sure
that this is alright.
'Cause something's wrong.
- I'll schedule it now.
- No, please.
Please, can we take a break?
I can't understand
how you're not hungry
because I'm..
I physically can't see.
What do you mean?
I've already had
breakfast and lunch.
That weird grey drink
is food?
Oh, yeah. That's Soylent.
It's, um..
It's basically
a complete meal
That way I don't have
to go to
the grocery store
and buy food and put it
in a bag and unwrap it
and chew it.
I mean, who has time
for that?
Everyone has time
for that.
- That can't be healthy.
- Huh?
- Mmh? What?
- It's got every vitamin
and mineral you need.
Okay. How about
we take a walk?
Get a little vitamin D,
you know?
Julia, not all of us
are robots!
Hey, don't manipulate me
with children.
You're a girl,
you should be better
at identifying sadness
on people's faces,
according to your study.
- Fine. Fifteen minutes.
- Yeah!
I heard "Fine,"
that's what I heard!
Come on! You're no fun.
Just tell me.
So what's your deal anyway?
Are you dating someone?
- Abby, that's not work talk.
- Okay.
In one of your studies
you concluded
that females
are more productive
when they bond
because it reduces cortisol.
I don't date,
I refuse to be
a puppet
of my neurochemicals.
So you've never been
in love?
You know, our brains
are designed to trick us
into that kind of thing
and I'm not falling for it.
- So, do you --
- Of course.
Were you gonna say
No, I was gonna say
get sad
but maybe for you
those go hand in hand.
Yeah, I get everything
I need.
I get oxytocin
from my dog.
I get serotonin
from hanging out
with my friends.
I get endorphins
from the gym.
and cooperation
makes dopamine
and I get that from work,
so I have everything
I need.
I am a complete
emotional equilibrium.
Whoa! That's like
a total life hack.
Knowing your brain's
primordial neurology
is very liberating.
It -- it makes life
so much easier.
I don't have to sit around
and worry about
if a guy likes me
and wonder
what his motives are
and -- and get
all insecure.
And -- and, like, reread
a text fifty times.
- It's the worst.
- It's insane.
- Yeah.
- So, I know how
the brain works.
So this whole
being a girl thing..
I beat it.
Okay, good talk.
You know the sun
causes cancer.
It's not normal.
Alright, people.
So, the campaign
is unlimited data.
And we all know
that nobody likes
unlimited data more..
Than the ladies.
- That is correct.
- Sorry.
Wh -- why are we saying
"The ladies?"
Zoe, come on, every girl
I know texts me
like ten times more
than I text her.
It's like,
and it's not,
and it's not just
like, girls I'm dating,
it's like my mom.
Does -- does it,
does it have
to be gender specific?
Yeah. That's what
the client asked for.
Like, they said
focus on women.
Great. Cool. Okay. Yeah.
Alright, I'll pitch first.
Get ready
to write this down.
It's gonna be hot.
How about, girl
looking down at her phone
texting and it says, um
"For every text
he sends you
send him 40 in return?"
- Unlimited data.
- That's good.
Good, right?
Alright, good.
Write it down.
Don't worry, be texty.
I didn't say
write it down.
What if, um, what if
we did some..
What if tried to focus
more on connection?
Well, you know,
because with this plan
you can talk longer.
You can FaceTime longer.
You -- you can
send more pictures.
It's not
write-it-down level
but like, uh,
I know you've got more.
In prehistoric times,
females were
much more vulnerable.
And the ones with strong
social connections
had a higher
survival rate.
Whereas, for males,
survival depended on
and competition.
This could explain
why in meetings
women tend to
avoid conflict
and seek consensus.
- Are you sure?
- No, I think..
I think I was just, uh..
I took it..
I was going
in a different direction.
I wasn't ready.
I think.
I wasn't ready.
- You know, nothing works
in this house.
- What?
Are you even on Facebook
in the first place?
What if there are perverts
on here?
They could make a house
out of garbage.
Mom, four percent of men
are sociopaths
so I'm sure there are
some perverts on there
but it's not exclusively
for perverts.
Why are we talking
about perverts?
Can you please
just delete those photos?
Okay. But I don't know
which ones to delete.
You've got a ton
of photos on here.
This is a jackpot
for perverts.
Okay, mom, will you please
just delete the album
that says "Wedding?"
What about
the honeymoon album?
You wanna keep that one.
Mom, any photos of Eric.
Any photos with his face
in them.
Please just delete it.
He was so nice.
And what a handsome couple
you were.
I just don't understand
what happened.
What happened
was he left me.
It's very simple.
Bill, why aren't you using
a stud finder?
Why isn't he using
a stud finder?
Because Eric took
the stud finder.
Bill, you are ruining
her drywall.
- Bill, it looks
ridiculous like that.
- Ridiculous?
That looks ridiculous, huh?
I'll tell you.
How about I take it
and I throw it
through that window
out onto the front lawn?
Is that less ridiculous?
Great. Now she's doing
the singing thing.
- You know she doesn't
like us to argue.
- No, no, it's fine.
Children who were exposed
to maternal stress
in utero become addicted
to stress chemicals
in the womb.
Later in life,
these offspring grow up
to be more anxious
and easily adrenalized.
The scientific term
for this
is epigenetic imprinting.
But it's commonly
referred to as
turning into your mother.
If I have learned
anything in this life
it's that I can't stop
you two from fighting.
So you can just
continue on
and I will soothe
my sympathetic
nervous system
with my "Lala Song."
La la la-la la
See? You see, Bill,
what you did?
See? See, Bill.
Say something.
- I love you. Okay?
- Oh.
I love you.
Oh, that's it.
Turn around.
That's not rude at all.
Turn around
I like to tell the back
of your head..
He was such a nice boy.
- No he wasn't, mom!
- Hello.
Basker brings it
up court.
He's looking
for an outlet.
He's yo-yoing up
and down mid-court.
Bounced past the room,
back to Basker.
He takes it to the..
Oh! He went down hard!
[whistle blows]
Oh, this does not
look good.
He is not getting up.
You can see the look
of concern
on Coach Miles' face.
Major setback
for the team.
It's only three months.
Mona will help you
get up the stairs.
- It's..
- Oh, thanks, Mona.
You hungry?
You want some breakfast?
No? A bagel?
We got a comical amount
of bagels. Okay.
Why doesn't
she talk to me?
I don't think
she knows you.
Do you ever feel weird
having all these people
in our house?
Yeah, but we both work
so who's gonna do
all this stuff?
That's true.
We need a wife.
- Oh! I agree.
- Who is this guy?
That's Jimmy, he usually
comes on Mondays.
You're at practice.
The area
that's responsible
for defending your turf
is larger in
the male brain
and it contains
special circuits
to detect territorial
by other males.
When challenged,
males produce
more testosterone
and adrenaline,
which immediately makes
men more confident.
Oh, hey, man.
- What's up?
- Hey, Greg.
- Okay.
- I'm Jimmy.
Hey, yup.
- I deliver
your groceries, um..
- Okay.
- Ah. Yeah.
- Ah!
- I'm a hugger. Yeah.
- Yeah.
- I'm Canadian.
- Okay.
Somebody delivers
our groceries?
Honey, you eat
like four chickens a day.
Oh, Zoe..
...I just picked
some fresh tomatoes
for you from my garden.
They're super ripe,
so be careful.
Oh, Jimmy.
You're my hero.
Okay, I don't need
all these people
in my house
doing what I'm
perfectly capable
of doing myself.
Well, since you're
gonna be around here
the next couple of months
why don't you oversee
the redo of the bathroom?
Or how about I redo
the bathroom myself
so there's not all these
strange men in my house?
You're gonna build
a bathroom?
Yeah, just give me
the tiles
and the other items
I will need.
Building a bathroom
takes skill.
You know, you have to
like, measure tiles.
You --
I'm a physical marvel.
My hand-eye coordination
is in the .01 percentile.
- Okay.
- Try me.
Throw something at me.
Okay, so I wasn't ready
for that
because no one's ever
thrown jelly --
Right, so I beat
a physical marvel?
This is great.
Well now I can start my day.
- Oh, good.
- This is good.
'Cause I have that meeting
with that
venture capitalist
at 10:00. Remember?
- Alright. Bye.
I love you.
- Alright.
Yeah. I just gotta
carb-up over here.
I've got a bathroom
to refurb.
- Can I tell you
- Yeah, sure.
With all due respect?
And I mean..
- I couldn't
help but hear.
- Yeah?
I think you're
a physical marvel.
- Dude. Thank you!
- You're welcome.
I was tryin'.. I try..
Sometimes she doesn't..
I don't think
she respects what I do.
- She doesn't get you.
- No. She was..
She didn't play.
She didn't appreciate sports.
She was a mathlete.
I -- I would like to say
that maybe she doesn't
appreciate you.
Yeah. What..
- Ah, you see!
And she throws jelly.
- Yeah!
Jelly's not really
something you catch.
- Jelly's something
you eat. Yeah.
- Right.
- Of course I'm ready.
Yeah. Here we go.
Those were two peppers
in a bag!
That was like catching
There we go.
Ooh, shit.
Still got it.
So this is what
it's come too, huh?
For us to hang,
I've gotta come meet you
at a children's playground
at a school?
This can't be legal,
Look, I've got a family.
If you wanna hang out
with me, you've got
three options.
Work, school,
or on the side of my house
by the garbage cans.
- Can I ask you a question?
- Yeah, sure.
What do you think
about my hair?
Uh, I think less than
nothin' about your hair.
Lexi wants me to
straighten it.
Yeah. I mean,
that's an obvious no, right?
If my wife wanted me
to straighten my hair
I would do it
without question.
I'd just go through
the rest of my life
looking like
Katt Williams.
- Pimpin'.
- I don't know, man.
I feel like I gotta draw
the line somewhere,
you know?
This is a slippery slope.
That's not how this works.
She will never stop
bringing it up.
See, look, women,
they can't beat us
physically, right?
So, the way to control us
is by beatin' us
Wearing down
our self-esteem.
Like little kidney shots
to the soul.
You ain't even
doing this right.
- What do you mean?
- Ah!
Well, look, I..
I'm fine with my hair.
I don't think
about my hair.
I don't care.
I'm a guy.
She wants me to straighten
my hair? Who does that?
You're spittin'
in the wind, man.
My wife buys
my clothes in bulk
tells me where to be
and what to pick-up.
I'm basically
a driver for Postmates.
- But do you like it?
- Do I like it?
I don't even know
what that means anymore.
It's like asking
a zombie if he likes
the taste of brains.
It's irrelevant.
It sounds like,
you're like
becoming a zombie.
- You wanna go
one more round?
- Yeah.
[instrumental music]
Hi, Abigail.
Oh, I could not..
I could not sleep
last night.
I was so tired,
I took an Ambien
which made me groggy
so this is espresso.
But, like,
I'm still feeling groggy
then I'll just like
take an Adderall.
No. Wait.
Okay. I'm sorry.
Where do you get
all these pills?
Oh, my brother
gave me the Ambien
and my gyno gave me
the Adderall.
No, no, okay,
so, first of all
your gyno's
only jurisdiction
are your nether regions.
So, fire her.
And second, you shouldn't
take your brother's Ambien
because Ambien metabolizes
differently in men
and women.
So you can't just
take the same dose.
That explains a lot..
When a female
overmedicates her brain
her neurochemicals
become imbalanced
resulting in fatigue
and suppression
of healthy emotion.
Because medications
affect hormone levels
they can also lead us
to smell pheromones
which can even cause us
to select
the wrong mates.
It really does.
- Damn it.
- What?
I've done the
spatial awareness test
four times
and women are
still scoring
twenty percent
less than men
on spatial tests.
Okay, but the subjects
weren't primed
and you took
the time limit off.
There's gotta be
another bias.
I don't know.
What about time of day?
Because I cannot memorize
shapes at 8 a.m.
It's criminal.
That's interesting.
Okay. Um..
Blood sugar.
Subjects probably have
lower blood sugar
in the morning
so we should administer
the test again
in the afternoon.
- Smart!
- Cool, cool, cool.
But, um..
It just sounds like
you don't like the results
you're getting.
Of course I don't.
The last thing people need
is more ammunition
for negative female
They'll be like,
"Oh, Dr. Brizendine
found that women are worse
"at spatial tasks,
which is why women can't
drive or read maps.
And why they
shouldn't be CEOs
or be in government."
And I don't want to be
responsible for that.
Okay? So we'll..
We'll administer
the test again next week.
Oh, one more thing!
Can you stop drinking
all that coffee?
It's just made of
actual acid.
I take Zantac.
It's like not that
big of a deal.
Good morning.
So, a female
can instantly decode
the information encrypted
in a male's pheromones
which helps her determine
genetic compatibility.
This, coupled with
cultural values
and how her
childhood went
what attracts us
to a potential mate.
The confluence
of all this
is what we
call chemistry
or love at first sight.
Hello. We're good.
Oh -- oh, okay!
Thank you. Morning.
Uh, I'm -- I'm
Dr. Brizendine.
I'll be administering
the test on you today.
I'm Kevin. I'm gonna be
taking the test today.
Although men have
earned the reputation
for being more
stoic than women
they actually
have stronger
emotional reactions
than females.
But due to
social conditioning
within 2.5 seconds
a man tends to change
his face
to hide or
suppress emotion.
You're just gonna be
in the module
for the couple of..
A couple of
the -- the minutes.
All the minutes.
- You comin' in?
- No.
- I'm kidding.
- Oh, I..
Me too. I know.
I mean, if I wasn't
and you did wanna come in
then, you know
I'd really appreciate it.
Mostly 'cause
I can't move my neck.
So you'd have to
do all the work.
So, uh, you're gonna be
seeing various images.
And then the MRI machine
is gonna do the rest.
So, uh, just look at them.
And I'll be over there if
you have any questions.
You won't have any..
- I mean, I don't
know why..
- Miss you already.
Kevin Avery, 006.
Green light. Thank you.
Okay, that guy was
flirting with you.
And he is so cute.
He's a guy.
He can't help it.
He has to, you know,
sexualize everything.
You know,
to him I'm basically
a b -- blow-up doll.
Oh, my God!
That is what
you look like!
Oh, my God!
It's taken me months!
Thank you. Oh, my God.
- He seems sweet.
- Uh..
You're not gonna
be saying that
once you see
inside his...brain.
So if he felt empathy
this entire area
would light up red.
Right there.
Look. Nothing.
But it's a kitten.
I know, he's not
feelin' the kitten.
But it's in a teacup.
He doesn't care.
Nope, nope!
It is lighting up!
- Nope, that's..
- Yeah, he's not
a serial killer.
That's on the low end,
even for a guy.
Next slide.
Nothing on the baby?
What a sicko!
Yeah, so in women,
this entire area
would light up red.
I can feel mine
lighting up inside.
What kind of weirdo
doesn't think that
baby is cute?
All of them.
Men are basically
only wired to respond
if it's their baby.
- Seriously?
- Mm-hm.
Now do you see
why I refuse
to participate in society?
I'd really be depressed
if I wasn't on
You're on
Everyone's on
Are you
clinically depressed?
No! What?
- I can't.
- It's good.
It makes me less crazy.
That's interesting
because you sound insane.
Okay, there's no winning
with you, Julia.
Alright. Here we go.
- Ha-ha!
- Hm.
Kevin here
is on the lowest end
of the empathy scale.
That guy you thought
was so cute
and so sweet
turns out
he's the kind of guy
that goes to Africa
and pays people
to cut off...
Science doesn't lie, so..
[instrumental music]
[door opens]
Hey, babe.
I was, um,
just asking how are you?
You haven't asked me
that in five years.
I remember 'cause
that was around the time
I started taking
fatherhood seriously.
I know.
That's so not cool.
That makes me wonder
do you think maybe
we just, like, stopped
tryin' a little bit?
- What do you mean?
- Well..
Well what?
You're wearing
crocs with socks.
- So are you.
- These are flats.
Mm, tsk!
I got some bad news
for you, baby.
Man...I feel like
maybe we just
stopped tryin'.
Maybe we need to connect
a little bit.
I stage houses for my job.
I make all things look
new and shiny.
Maybe that's what we need
in our relationship.
Sounds expensive.
Yeah, yeah,
maybe a little bit
but do you remember
how we used to dress up?
How we used to go out
on sexy dates?
So it's probably
not surprising
that females have a more
active system
for emotional memory
which means we recall
feelings, not just facts.
Something that's harder
for a man to do.
This is why it
seems like women
can access
visceral memories
with search engine
like speed.
We used to have sex
all over the house.
Baby, that was
before our walls
had all kinds of
finger paintings on 'em.
Kind of killed
the fuck vibe.
Yeah, but we used
to do things together
have things in common.
We used to have
hobbies together.
Baby, that was back
when we were friends.
Look, we still got
plenty of hobbies, alright?
We pay bills together.
We got water damage
in the basement together.
That's our water damage.
We've got meat, celery --
Can you be serious
for once in your life?
I'm just sayin'
what's the point
of bein' married?
Relationships take work.
I already work.
You want me
to work two jobs?
Yes, I've heard of couples
that become platonic.
Like, their relationships
their marriages
- Deteriorate.
- Deteriorate.
Okay, deteriorate.
And then all of a sudden
you're gonna have
a secret family.
Look, if I'm not
working two jobs
why in the hell
would I be working three?
I'll go change my socks.
I'm coming back
for my meat.
- Konnichiwa!
- Jesus!
- Hey.
- Where did you come from?
Just got in from Tokyo.
Oh, no, I'm sorry, I -- I
I just didn't hear
you walk, roll in.
I'm so..
I'm Zoe...Basker.
Thank you, I'm so sorry
that I'm running late.
It's just been crazy,
crazy, crazy!
Where are my manners?
Have a seat.
Pop a bean,
right over here.
- We just started
makin' these guys.
- Oh, wow.
Stuffed the first
batch myself, actually.
- My goodness.
- This is the charcoal.
And we've got a
slate grey in the works.
- Oh, nice.
- And there it is!
Well done.
Oh. Okay. That's great.
Uh, congratulations
on all of your success.
Uh, maybe.
Greed is a disease.
You know?
So you're the girl with
the coconut water thing.
No, no. Um, my idea is
about marketing.
Act.. You know what?
I'll just go right into it.
Um, alright, you know how
commercials are
everywhere, right?
But they're, they're
usually really bad.
And they send
irresponsible messages
about race and gender.
- Kind of.
- Well..
So, I would have a
company that would make
responsible commercials
that won't screw up our kids.
Uh, I'm trying
so hard to understand
what you're saying
I'm just having a lot
of trouble attuning to you.
You have a very
it's like a m -- masculine
um, just,
just prohibitive energy.
Uh, s -- sorry.
Please, no.
It's nothing you can control.
Um, you know what,
act.. I -- I..
I forg.. I -- I,
I wrote out some sample
campaigns last..
Sorry, I'm so sorry.
The thing is, I just,
I had just realized
that your idea,
it's, it's triggering me.
You know, I just..
Remember I was in
such a good mood
before we
talked about it?
And now, I just,
I feel drained.
Oh, well, uh,
maybe you're just
jetlagged from Tokyo.
Oh, no.
I don't believe in jetlag.
It's a social construct.
Did anyone ever..
Listen, hundred percent
keep in touch
if you have
any more ideas
that are just
a little more casual..
And it was so nice
to meet you.
What? Thank you. B -- bye!
[instrumental music]
Ah ah
Pa pa pa pa
Pa pa pa
Pa pa
So I was thinking about
this spatial task thing.
Do you think we could
get rid of the bias
if we let people
take it over again
if they want to?
Feeling like you only have
one shot at something
is a lot of pressure.
That's actually
a good idea.
Or the room
being too cold.
Because it's freezing
in there and I can't think
when I'm cold.
Uh, who is calling?
Who calls anyone?
Alright, this is Julia.
Hey, it's Kevin
from the MRI machine.
When an unexpected
event occurs
the amygdala
immediately evaluates
if a threat is present.
If so, the brain freezes
to brace for a fight
or flight response.
But in a
traumatized brain
the amygdala loses
the ability
to distinguish
between everyday events
and real danger.
So, if a woman's brain
has been emotionally
it often may seem like
she's being dramatic.
I'm calling you.
How did you
get this number?
Stop asking questions.
Just let me be
a cutie pie.
I only answered
because I thought
someone was in
the hospital, so..
Well, I'm sorry
to disappoint.
Look, there's no way
that's cool to say this
so, let me see you
tomorrow night.
I have to work.
- But it's a Saturday.
- I'm a stripper.
Oh, well, then
I'll see you anyway.
You know what, I..
I obviously can't date
someone in my study.
I'm a scientist,
and you're a -- a..
Tired of hearing
your boring excuses?
Look, text me
your address.
I'll pick you up at 7:00.
I'm hangin' up now.
I love you.
Can I borrow your purse
just for a second?
- Sure.
- Thank you.
I cannot believe
you gave him
my phone number.
No! He asked!
What the F?
What was I supposed to do?
That's my birth control!
Your generation
is a nightmare.
You know what,
I'd fire you
but there really
is no point
because everyone your age
is just as boundaryless
as you are.
Can you please help me
pick this stuff up?
Of course not!
And you do not need
all of these pills!
Okay, that one is
for my thyroid thing.
You don't have
a thyroid thing.
You're ten!
You don't know
what's going on in here.
You saw his brain scans.
He is a caveman.
He is literally
a Cro-Magnon.
That's perfect for you.
You can have
completely detached sex
with a big dumb animal.
Uh, as we both know,
sex releases endorphins.
- Here we go.
- Which reduces stress.
Which could help you
at work!
Which is clearly
all you care ab..
Oh, no.
Why didn't you say that
in the first place?
Okay, okay, you have
no respect! Julia!
Where is my office?
My lipstick!
...humidity, you'll find
it's gonna become
difficult to wipe
away quickly
but you're gonna wanna
still keep it soft enough
to wipe off the surface
of whatever tile you..
Yeah, I tried that,
you fucking self-assured
It doesn't work!
Oh, oh, no, yeah.
I should grow
a rat tail like you
to make tiles stick
to the fuckin' wall.
Oh, shit.
- Hey, babe.
- Hey, babe! How are ya?
Sorry, I didn't hear
you come in.
I was just busy workin'.
I'm a busy bee over here.
Yeah. I see that.
How's it goin'?
Good, good, I was tryin'
out some caulks today.
And these caulks
are not the caulks
for us, so..
Isn't it supposed
to be grout?
No. No, it's not.
I think it's caulks.
Is that a poster board?
Yeah, just
a quick little..
Little test run
to make sure the ca..
The tiles and the caulks,
or grout to you
is -- is stayin' up.
Honey, I, I've,
I don't know how much
sense all of this makes.
Why don't you just
let me call a contractor?
- I got this.
- Oh, I know, I know.
But like, then you'd have
more time for
physical therapy, you know
and like, just,
the contractor's
just there to --
Okay, stop saying
contractor. What we need..
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
What we need is for you
to trust your
incredibly competent
and strong husband.
- Yes, of course,
right, yeah.
- Okay?
Oh, I forgot.
How was, uh, your pitch?
- Oh! Uh, yeah.
- It was good?
Yeah, yeah.
Uh, yeah. Thank you.
Yeah. Yeah. Um, yeah.
- You said, you just
said "Yeah" nine times.
- Uh, no, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, there was so -- so..
- Yeah. Bye.
- Okay, well..
Well.. I'm gonna..
I gotta go.
Good, good.
Just like the video.
Cool. That's good.
You look nice.
Slow down, long legs.
Oh, well, I mean,
I'll just, I'll meet you
at the car.
You're, uh, drive is, uh..
- Don't do that.
- What?
Wha.. I know, I can,
I can open my own door.
Let me get the door.
You don't have to do
stuff like that for me.
Don't touch my car.
- Okay, this is
- Okay, look..
Alright, cool.
You go on the date.
I'll stay here.
You come back.
Be back by 10:00.
Tell me how it went.
Have fun.
You can open the door.
Ah, jeez. It's stuck.
- What?
- Hold on, let's..
- What's happening?
- It's stuck.
- What?
- Hold on. I got it.
- I gotta, uh..
- What?
Can, you gotta pull
while I push.
Uh, am I, am I allowed
to touch your car?
- Yes, please.
- Can I touch the handle?
- Please, if you could.
- I can open the door?
- Yeah. This time.
- Okay.
Okay. What am I doing?
- You're pulling,
I'm pushing.
- Okay.
That hit.. Alright.
Close it quietly.
There's a..
What, how did I..
It doesn't..
- It also doesn't close.
- It does.
You gotta pull it.
- Okay. It's stuck.
- Okay. Jeez.
- You got it. Okay.
- Okay.
[engine revving]
Hey! I was
just gonna call..
Fuck you!
Oh, my God.
What's the matter?
I think it looks
really nice.
- Adam?
- Look at me.
- It's okay.
- How's it look?
You like this look?
You know, i -- initially
I got a bit of a shock.
You're in shock?
- Yeah.
- I'm kind of used
to it now.
I look like Janet
from "Three's Company."
I know, you don't know,
you don't know
you don't see that show,
you don't get it
over there.
Hey, Adam, you don't look
like a woman.
How's it feel to be
dating a magician?
You wanna see
a magic trick?
Fuck you.
I'm sorry, okay?
I told you. I told you
this was a terrible idea.
Why would you want me
to look like this?
- You know what I think?
- Shave it?
If they'd just taken
a teeny-weeny
bit off the top..
...make a huge difference.
And we can do
that right now.
- It would be
totally fine.
- No, this is --
- Let's give it
a little snip.
- No!
No, no, no, no.
You're not cutting.
You're not cutting.
You're not straightening.
Nothing, okay?
Babe, I'm just
tryin' to help.
- Don't try to help.
- Okay.
Okay, 'cause when you try
and help, your boyfriend
comes home looking like
a fucking Astro Boy.
- So don't try and help.
- Okay.
Lexi, I'm gonna tell you
what's gonna happen.
- Okay? Are you listening?
- Yeah.
I'm gonna go upstairs.
I'm gonna take a shower,
I'm gonna wash
this fucking
Brazilian poison
out of my hair.
And I'm gonna get
my birth hair back.
The hair that God knew
matched my face.
[upbeat music]
Okay, this one
tastes like wine.
Mm. Okay.
This one tastes
like wine too, can we go?
No! We're stayin'.
I don't wanna
waste our Groupon.
Why can't we just go
drink vodka
in the garage,
like normal people?
'Cause this is sexy,
we're doing.. fun things
so that we're not
like an old
married couple.
So me driving us home
drunk is sexy to you?
Can you take this
seriously, please?
Oh, you're never
gonna guess
what this one
tastes like.
- Like what?
- Old-ass grapes.
I'm just kidding.
It tastes like piss.
[instrumental music]
Okay. We're really..
We're really going
to a silent movie?
- For real?
- Shh!
What flavor diabetes
you want?
I don't.. I'm good.
Thank you.
She'll have eight
hot dogs, no bun.
A pack of Red Vines.
And, uh,
Fruity Things, please?
- No hot dogs.
- No hot dogs.
- I'm teasing.
- No, please.
You know, I can't wait
to do this
with my own kids?
I want eleven kids.
I'm.. I'm..
- That doesn't work on me.
- Oh, that's right.
You're not a girl.
I forgot.
Uh, so, uh, question?
Why, why are you
doing my study?
I mean, it's obviously
not for the money.
You better believe
it's for the money.
I -- I'm, I'm paying
for this
with cold hard cash.
Okay, oh!
I'm sorry.
That was disrespectful.
Seriously, why are you
even in my study?
I don't know, like,
if it only pays
like nothing?
Oh, my uncle,
he was the head
of the social science
in my college
and he said, you know,
"Regular people, they
never take the studies."
- So..
- That's true.
When I have the free time,
uh, yeah. I sign up.
I know. I'm the best.
Okay, I get it.
You're charming.
I get it.
I'll see you in there.
Oh, uh..
I'm sorry.
We're not,
we're not together.
Thank you.
Agnes, you're the most
beautiful woman
in the whole wide world.
Would you stop it, please?
I'm not gonna say..
Come on! Just try it!
- It's not
a scientific project.
- You're silly.
I can't do
an old timey movie voice.
Grow up!
Come on. Be a person.
- I love you.
- Why does yours
have emphysema?
Look at him!
Oh, man.
Let's run away together.
Oh, but I'm wearing
40 pounds of bloomers.
So I can hardly walk,
much less run.
- Why is your voice
deeper than mine?
- I don't know.
I don't know, I'm just..
That's how it was
back then.
Then we'll stay here
and have offspring.
Good luck raising them
since I'll die
in childbirth.
[instrumental music]
What did your MRI say?
I found a slight tear
in the meniscus.
But it feels good.
Well, you wouldn't
necessarily feel it.
So the healing isn't
ahead of schedule
but it is on schedule?
You're on track.
Alright. Thanks.
Mm-hmm.. Sure.
Zoe! Where are you?
Oh, my..
- Oh, no! No!
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!
- No! Oh, God, no!
- Greg!
- What are you doing?
Don't look! Nothing!
Look, this not..
You should not be here.
- No! This is.. No!
- What are you doing?
- Get out!
- What are you even
jerking off to?
Excuse me.
Don't say that.
No, don't -- don't
look at that.
- Cheerleader?
A little on the nose,
don't you think?
That is the, like,
the first thing
that comes up.
That's not the first thing
that comes up.
- I would know.
- Wha..
- Are you bragging?
- How often do you
do this?
That's, uh, that's
none of your business.
It's literally
all of my business.
But let's do this.
Do.. What?
What are you doing?
- What do you..
- What are you..
- Don't you..
- You were saying,
"Let's do.."
- You're talking..
- Yeah, you..
You're talking to me
like a sportsman?
Don't you wanna
have sex?
- Don't. Oh, God, no!
- What?
Why not?
You're all ready to go.
You've got
your good dress on.
My dress?
This is a robe!
- We..
- Do you think
this is a dress?
A dress is a robe
with a little sash.
- It's the same thing.
- No, it's not. It's..
So you just want to
do this by yourself?
No! But I'm not doing..
Greg! Just get out!
Okay? No, I'll leave you
alone for your little
spank fest.
- Don't say that!
- Have.. No. No, no!
Have fun.
- Have fun.
- No, I'm not having fun.
I'm not..
I'll never have fun again!
- You looked like you were
having a great time.
- How about that?
Spank away!
You're coming in, right?
- Sure.
- Okay.
W...were you robbed?
Y -- yeah, no.
I, I just moved in.
I haven't had time
to really unpack, so..
- Oh, God.
- Okay.
You want me to fix
that wire? I mean,
it'd take me two minutes.
No. It's fine.
It's, it's fine.
Do you want a drink, or..
- Sure.
- Okay.
What do you drink?
What do you want?
Uh, depends on what kind
of guy you want
in your house.
I mean, whiskey
if you want me to
break shit.
Or gin if you want me
to shadowbox
and tell you
I'm invincible.
Or, uh, rum
if you want a pirate
in your house.
Uh, okay.
Let's see.
Hm. Tsk, tsk, tsk.
This is not ideal.
Well, I do not have
any of those things.
No alcohol, turns out
but I do have..
I've got,
I've got something.
I've got,
I've got a Sharpie.
I've got..
Oh, I..
Oh! Hand sanitizer?
I'm being weird.
I'm nervous.
I'm being nervous.
Um, you know, we could
just try to do this sober.
- Wow!
- Yeah, I know. It's not..
I haven't unpacked
my good bras yet.
This is not..
I know. This is..
I have better bras
than this.
Did you find it
on the street?
No. It's like
a half bathing suit.
You can wear it
in the wa..
It's, uh, waterproof.
It doesn't matter.
U -- uh. Ah.
- This is a little
fast, no?
- It is.
But I feel like your brain
is producing testosterone
so you're probably
psyched to make
reckless decisions.
Yeah. But, uh..
I mean, I -- I don't even
really, uh, know you
and, um, I mean,
you could drug me
and, and steal my kidney
and sell it.
It's happening a lot
in New Mexico.
And Old Mexico.
This is, uh..
[clears throat]
The thing about, uh..
Uh.. Um..
I vote we don't
um...have sex.
- What?
- Because when people
have sex, it, uh..
It makes them crazy.
And I wanna see you again.
So, um.. I, uh..
[blowing raspberry]
Yeah. That, um..
I, uh.. Sure.
Good job and
don't let it fall.
I'm gonna take off and,
um, you should watch porn
to get the..
But your router, uh..
That's been shot
in the face.
Uh, God bless.
- Mmm..
- Hmm.
Ah, no! Wait.
Not on the comforter.
- It was on sale.
- So? I don't want to
ruin it.
- Move. Get up!
- And it's comforter.
What time do you think
they close Target?
She didn't even
wanna have sex.
She was wearing
her good dress
and she had
headphones on.
Like, who listens to porn?
Look, let me be honest
with you.
You're like
the hottest guy I know.
- Thanks, man.
- No, I mean it.
You're gorgeous.
- Really?
- Oh, yeah.
I mean, I've never
jerked off to you, but..
...I have jerked off
as you.
And it is good
to be king.
- You know what I mean?
- I'm telling you, man.
Her vibe is off
ever since I got hurt.
Yeah, well.
You're not just
Whistling Dixie on that,
my main emcee.
- No.
- The whole world's
vibe is off.
No one knows
what to be anymore!
Women want to be
MMA fighters
but they still want us to
hold the door open
for 'em.
They want to make the
restaurant reservations
but they want us to pay.
Bunch of goofballs.
All of them, right?
- Yeah.
- Pick a lane, you goof.
- Yeah.
- Say it.
- No.
- Let me
tell you somethin'.
Hey? Hey.
- Hey you.
- Yeah?
- It's fucked.
- Yeah.
I mean, I got injured
a month ago
and we've had sex
like five times.
I show the slightest
and it's a turn-off.
Yeah, that's no bueno.
You gotta get
your power back, hombre.
- You know what
I'm saying?
- Yeah.
Show her you're the man.
That's all she wants.
With these gender roles
they've been at us
for 20,000 years.
Get into that
caveman stuff.
Pull her hair.
Choke her.
Are you..
You're choking Cheryl?
She just got a new neck,
so right now's not
the best time
but, uh..
- I'll tell you what.
- Yeah?
I have.
And a good time
was had by all.
I can't choke my wife.
I'm 250 pounds.
Some like
six hundred pounds.
My wife's 5'1"
and Chinese.
I wouldn't worry
about that.
You've just gotta find
a way to be the alpha.
Where do I draw
the line though?
Unfortunately for you,
there is no line.
Don't ask for permission.
Ask for forgiveness.
- You can use that
if you want.
- Yeah.
Be the caveman.
Me man, you woman.
Let's not do that
Got a bit of a problem.
- What's that?
- My trick knee's
locked up.
Daddy doesn't
have the key.
I got you.
I got.. I got..
Okay, I'm just gonna
slide out.
Good idea.
- Alright.
Hurry up!
Time's running out!
Yeah! Ah!
I'm gonna..
I'm gonna go
take a shower.
- Okay. I'll be here.
- Okay.
[instrumental music]
Good morning.
Did you get in touch
with Kevin?
- Because he just called.
- Of course he did.
so, gossip activates
the brain region
involved in
social cognition.
The process by which
we learn to interact
with others.
So, gossiping is critical
for females to maintain
strong social bonds.
So our brains
are hardwired
to produce dopamine
which rewards females
for relationship building
and learning the norms
of society.
How was the hot
Neanderthal intercourse?
Well, it...was uneventful
because he refused to have
intercourse with me.
No sex.
Hoo! That's even kinkier
than I thought.
I -- I can't help
but be a little insulted
given his brain scans,
Julia, that sucks.
I'm sorry.
No. It's okay.
I mean, I'm sure
he's married.
Or, you know,
playing some weird
twisted mind game on me.
Which means
he lacks empathy
which means our studies
are accurate.
It's good!
It's great in fact.
Super great.
[instrumental music]
I got something from one
of the mail guys
at work.
Do I want to hear this?
It's the drug Molly.
Is that the one
that make you eat
people's faces off?
No. It's like
the new ecstasy.
Why don't we take it
after Ty goes to sleep?
I'm not sure.
Let me Google it.
Hold on.
Let me see.
How long is jail time
with drugs and kids
in the house?
Oh! It says it varies
from state to state.
- I'm in.
- Take it.
Babe, that zit looks
really bad.
Yeah. I know. I've gotta
make an appointment
to see a doctor
'cause I -- I,
it feels really deep
or something.
You know, a doctor
is just gonna squeeze
the puss out
which I could easily do.
Haven't you futzed
with my body enough?
I just think it'll help.
- Alright, fine.
- Yes! Sorry! I'm s..
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
I love you so much.
- I love you so much.
- Fix my eardrums
while you're at it.
Okay. Okay.
- Alright. Let's do it.
- Okay, yes! I'm doing it.
- Let's do it.
- Just a sec. Okay.
Oh, it's..
- Ow! Nails that long?
- Sorry.
- You're like a falcon, fuck.
- Just take a deep breath.
- Ow!
- Oh, my..
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God,
it's in my eye!
Oh, my God! Oh!
- Karma!
Why did you let me
do that!
Bam! Wait!
Come back! I want..
I want a picture of this.
No, no, no, no!
Don't wash it off yet!
Ow! Shit!
- Take it.
- Why is it..
Why is it brown?
- I don't know. Take it.
- It don't smell
like nothing.
Okay, you ready?
One. Two. Three.
[instrumental music]
No, no, no.
You know pills make me
gag a little.
It''s down.
- Oh! Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey!
- You like my handiwork?
- Oh, yeah!
Yeah, yeah. I do.
- Hm?
- Do you?
- I do.
I'm very proud of you.
- Are you?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, well,
I am the man, and..
- Oh.
I can hammer
and destroy things, so.
Okay. Yeah?
Oh, yeah? Can you?
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, what's this?
- I don't know.
What is this?
- Oh.
- Hm?
- Hey? Oh.
- Where am I going?
- Where are you going?
- Uh-oh!
Where am I going?
- I don't know.
- Oh, no! Uh-oh!
I want to
find out though.
- I fell!
- Ooh!
- Oh, here I come.
- Oh, yeah.
- I'll save you.
- Oh, yeah!
Oh! Watch your knee!
- No, I'm good.
I'm good. I'm good.
- Are you okay?
Don't worry about that.
Just worry about this.
- Oh! Oh, no.
- Huh? Is that nice?
That's a big man, yeah.
Yeah, you like
when I'm the man
and you're the woman?
- Hm? You like..
- Yeah.
- You like that?
- Mm-hmm.
- Just, uh..
- Oh.
What the fuck!
What is.. What?
What's wrong with you?
I'm being a man.
- Stop! Oh, my God! Jesus!
- Okay.
Why can I pull your hair
but not shove your face
in the toilet?
Because one is playful!
And one is
where our shit goes,
you fucking weirdo!
Okay. It's a fine line.
Between a toilet
and not a toilet?
Is it?
I was told to ask
for forgiveness,
not permission, so..
Excuse me? What..
Uh, what prison inmate
told you that?
Can we just relax
and...resume with the sex?
No! No, we can't!
Because now I have to take
like seven showers!
I'm.. I said I'm sorry.
No! You didn't!
Well, I'm sorry.
Do you feel anything?
I don't know. You?
I don't know.
Do you feel anything?
I don't know. You?
I don't know.
[upbeat music]
Should we turn some
music on?
There's no music on?
Well, why is my body
doing this?
What are you doing?
Are you guys on drugs?
Don't do drugs.
Don't do 'em.
Hey, get focused.
So, deodorant for women.
Girls, stop sweating us.
That's not bad, but..
Actually, what's cool
about this deodorant
is that it doesn't
contain aluminum
which is
what's carcinogenic, so..
- He's sleeping.
- He's not really.
Oh, my God,
I had a nightmare
where someone was talking
about carcinogenics.
Oh, God, it was horrible.
You were there.
- You were there.
- Alright.
How about,
"Sweating him
is the pits?"
- Genius. That's so good.
- Write that down.
So, I know I said
women seek consensus
but if the amygdala
is activated,
her adrenaline
can give her
enough confidence
to override
the instinct
to be cooperative.
Because girls are always
sweating guys, right?
- Yeah.
-I'm sorry, ca..
Can, can we aspire
to be just
a little less cliche?
- What?
- Does.. Is..
Is nobody else bothered
by how sexist
these ideas are?
We're not sexist!
The people who..
- The..
- The people
who buy stuff are sexist.
- Yeah.
- Women!
'Cause women buy
eighty percent
of products in America.
Alright, well,
then women are...sexist.
Sorry, you might want to
go down to Whole Foods
with a clipboard
and get it sorted out.
The saddest part about
all of this is that
I think that you believe
the garbage that you say.
Yeah. No! I realize
this is my last day.
- Yes, I get that.
Yeah, yeah
- It's your last day.
- No, no! I know!
- No, no, let me say it.
Let me say it.
- It's your last day.
- It's my last day.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I'm gonna..
I will empty out my office
in just a minute.
I just, I, honestly,
I would love to know
if -- if you
actually believe
people are that stupid.
I believe
it's your last day.
It is an honor to quit
this terrible company.
You comin'? I'm just..
That was so weird.
Uh, why? Okay.
That wa..
Please. Strike that
from all of this.
And I'm gonna continue
storming out. I just..
I have to collect
everything now.
I know this is awkward,
it may be awkward
for like another
minute or so
but I actually
feel better
than I've ever felt here.
Believe it or not.
So, this is..
Feels awkward,
but imagine if
I had to come back.
- Help her. Help her.
- No! I'm good!
Please don't touch
my things! I got it!
- That's my charger.
- Yeah! Okay.
Good. Great!
Take your charger.
Wonderful. Cool.
Here we go!
Not weird for me!
I'm leaving.
And you know what?
Ooh! I'm gonna
take this deodorant
because I'm s -- sweating
his pits! Okay?
Tell your husband
to get well, okay?
Thank you! I will!
You know,
underneath this paint
you've got some
really beautiful molding.
The bones of this place
are really stunning.
There's just a lot of
superficial damage.
So, what do I owe you?
Like, are you hourly,
or what?
Why are you pretending
this isn't a date?
Well.. Um..
Frankly, I'm pretty
and I've got a lot of
shitty reviews on
Angie's List.
So, what -- what
do you charge?
Well, I'm not finished
but it's 90 grand
now and..
- What? Okay.
- No. I'm joking.
Uh, you know,
you could pay me
in, uh, favors.
- Whoa!
- What?
- What are you doing?
- What is the problem?
Problem is, you know
maybe we should
kiss first.
Both the amygdala
and hippocampus
are necessary for fear
extinction to occur.
But if both regions
of the brain are abnormal
due to trauma,
that person may recoil
if something reminds
them of their past.
This is commonly
seen as overreacting
or being annoying.
The problem with that
is that I would
produce oxytocin
which is just
kind of a disaster, so..
With all due respect,
I think you're
overthinking it.
Well, I don't understand.
W -- what..
Why won't you have
sex with me?
'Cause I like you
for some reason.
You know, when I sleep
with a girl too quickly,
I just..
It just..
Don't you wanna aim
a bit higher?
Okay. Alright. Well..
When you wanna be treated
like a human being,
give me a call.
In the meantime,
don't touch those wires.
That red one
will fucking kill you.
[instrumental music]
I've seen a lot,
but I gotta say
this is the first time
I've seen someone
pop a tumor.
What? What do you mean
a tumor?
We did a fast biopsy,
and at this point
I wouldn't
totally rule out
some growth
underneath your
cystic wall.
Possibly a basil cell.
Yeah, but that's.. Uh..
That's like..
That's like cancer, no?
Is it like cancer cancer?
I'm not saying that.
Do I have cancer?
I have to acknowledge
the chance
so you don't sue me.
But likely not.
Good thing
you caught it though.
- Jesus.
- What is going on?
You can't just not
text me back.
- Is this the popper?
- Yeah.
Adam, what is happening?
- You know the thing
on my back?
- Yeah?
The thing I was gonna go
see a specialist about
but you couldn't wait
'cause you just wanted
to pop it,
so you popped it?
Yeah, that might be
a, um, cancer tumor.
My God.
- I swear I was just --
- Just trying to help?
I know you may
find this crazy
but I actually
like myself.
I like my crazy,
curly hair!
I like my fingernails
that are jagged
and, and I like
that I bite them!
I like my dry skin
that I don't slough
or exfoliate!
And most of all
I like my approach
to, uh..
What are they called?
Oh! Tumors!
- Would you just stop!
- I'm sorry.
I just want you to go!
We're done!
- What are you doing?
- I -- I -- I just
want to be me.
And I don't want you to
keep trying to change me
like you have.
I can't do it anymore.
So you're breaking up
with me in a hospital?
Yeah. I'm breaking up
with you in a hospital.
I'm sure that
you could think
of better ways to do it
uh, to improve
our break up.
Maybe in a park
with a pond
and a couple of swans
swimming in the
Or a beach
and a nice sunset
and a pina colada.
I'm sure that you could
think of several ways
to improve our break up
but it doesn't matter,
because we're done.
So would you please go?
There's somebody here
to try and help me.
To actually help me.
So, please..
Please go.
Oh, Jesus. What, what
are you taking now?
Oh, I have
a killer migraine.
It's from
my birth control.
Okay. Well, why don't
you go off it?
Because then I would
have a baby
and that would probably
lead to more migraines.
Okay, well, how long
have you been on
birth control?
Since I was like 13
or something?
I'm so emotional
without it.
Everything makes me cry.
Okay, Abby,
you cannot just
your personality
with chemicals
for your entire life.
Why? That's exactly
what you do.
[instrumental music]
[music continues]
[music continues]
[music continues]
If you think
I'm embarrassed
about this, I'm not.
[Steven groans]
This didn't work,
did it?
I don't think
Molly is designed
for people over forty.
This whole thing.
I mean, we didn't
have sex on Molly.
It didn't
even occur to us.
Who doesn't
have sex on ecstasy?
It's "Occur."
And I think
we're probably putting
too much stress on this.
We have spent
time together.
We haven't spent
time together.
I've been nice to you.
I've been mean to you.
I give you space.
I don't give you space.
We have tried everything.
Nothing has worked.
I mean, there's always
couples therapy.
We don't need it.
I don't have
a problem with you.
I don't ever get mad
at you. I don't want..
I don't need you
to change anything.
I've already changed
about myself for you.
But...there is one thing
that we haven't
tried yet.
I never thought
I'd say this
but for once in my life
I don't want to have
a threesome.
I just don't want
someone else seeing
how awkward
it is between us.
No. It's not that.
There's something else
that we haven't tried.
It's gonna sound weird,
What if we
called it quits?
Don't you feel like this
has just run its course?
I don't know.
I mean, I just
always expected it
to be like this,
you know?
You get married,
it get boring,
you stick it out.
Everybody told me
it'll be like this,
so I just..
- Just expected it.
- We don't have to be
a cliche.
Give me one reason,
one reason why we should
stay together.
One reason? The house!
Our cell phone plan.
I mean, we get
three phones
for the price of one.
I mean, and to cancel
would be a nightmare.
I mean, they keep you
on hold forever.
- We should
just stay together.
- I mean, yeah.
We're going to
stay together
because of our phone bill
because we're too lazy
to change it.
So are you...divorcing me?
Oh, you wanna stay
- Hell no.
- There we go.
Twelve years is already
a success.
I mean, most of the people
don't even last
half of what we did.
- What?
- What about Ty?
M -- maybe. It's not..
It -- it's maybe.
- Right? Maybe.
- Just a maybe.
- Like, that much.
- Like, possibly.
That much maybe.
That we're going to,
uh, separate.
- Separate.
- Yeah.
Okay, cool.
[instrumental music]
There's my baby girl!
- Ooh! Muah! Muah!
- Muah! Muah
Look at you!
You look so..
- What?
- Are you okay?
Why haven't you
been sleeping?
Oh, ah..
It's, um, allergies.
I've, uh, um..
Yeah, well..
But why are you so tall?
- What's going on?
- Oh!
- It's those
magic sneakers.
- Oh, right.
You wear them for an hour,
you can burn 300 calories.
- No. You don't, mom.
- No?
- I tried them.
They lost a lawsuit.
- Ah.
Um, where is dad?
The birthday boy.
You know, I had to
send him back
to change his suit.
He looked ridiculous.
You know your father.
I think he'd wear
a tracksuit all day
if I let him.
- Where's Adam?
- Uh..
Oh, um, yeah,
he's at.. Uh..
Uh, we've,
we -- we're having a..
Just a little,
a break at the moment.
Yeah, um..
But.. He..
Actually he got his
own place
so, it might be
a big break.
Oh, what did you do?
Why do you assume
I did something?
Okay. What did he do?
Well, I..
I think I just loved him
too much
and he couldn't handle it.
- What happened?
- Well, uh..
I was helping him and..
- What are you doing?
- Oh, no, I..
I -- I read this article
that you can work out
your buttocks
if you do this
for a minute, every time
you have a conversation.
Oh! Hi! Sandy.
- Hi!
- People are here.
Darling, don't you want
to change?
I am changed.
This is my outfit.
Well, perhaps you should,
like, put up your hair
or something.
- Mom, stop it.
- D -- darling, what
happened to your eyebrows?
- Mom. Stop it.
- No, really?
You're just hiding
your face.
I mean, you're a pretty
girl and you just
can't hide your face
with those..
- Shh. Please. Just stop.
- Look how beautiful
you look!
- How adorable --
- Ha-ha.. Just stop.
I'm just trying to help.
- Uh, excuse me?
- Oh.
What are you doing, man?
Oh! The, uh, lady hired me
to fix this.
Uh, I'm sorry, man.
I'll be out of here
in like a minute.
Oh, I'm.. Well, she's not
authorized to do that.
I'm the man
and I'm in charge
of what goes on
in this house, so..
Okay, uh, good to know,
but I've got
a work order, so..
Well, I'm the lady's
husband and
it's canceled, so..
Okay, well,
I'm the contractor,
so I'm gonna finish it.
And just to let you know
whoever did this before
idiot, a dumb person.
- Only a dumb person
puts caulking on a wall.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
A stupid person
that's an idiot, so..
I will smash your face
with that hammer.
- Just, uh..
- Just maybe.
You touch me
with that hammer,
I'm gonna sue your ass.
Oh, well,
I'll see you in court.
I'll be the one
with the most powerful
legal team in the country.
Mm, you know that's
the only team
that wants you. Right?
Oh, okay! Yeah.
A guy who works
with toilets. Cool.
- What'd you just say?
- You work with toilets.
- Say it again that I --
- You work with toile..
- You want to grapple now?
- Yeah, I wanna grapple!
- Let's go.
- Watch my knee.
- You're the worst punk
of all time.
- I will kick that knee.
- And I will..
- Watch my knee.
- Don't do that.
You let go of me.
- I'm gonna..
- You let go of me.
You let go.
- You let go! You let go!
- On three, let go.
- One.
- Two. Three.
- Three.
- Oh, you son of a bitch.
- I knew you wouldn't
let go.
- That's the..
- I knew it.
- Fight a guy with a --
- Hey, hey, hey, hey!
- Hey, stop! Oh, my..
- Okay, are you okay?
Yeah, she's fine.
What the fuck, Zoe?
How could you do that
without asking me?
It was, it was supposed
to be a surprise!
- Well, you should have
let me finish it myself!
- Well, he..
- Yeah.
- What do you mean "Yeah?"
You can't..
Here's the, here's the
rest of it. I'm sorry.
We're all good, I am sorry
for the confusion.
- We're good.
- Alright.
- Bye! Bye-bye.
- Bye. Hey..
- Get a bigger shirt.
- Yeah, get a bigger body.
- It's a two XL.
- Stop!
- I'll listen to her.
- Oh, that's clever.
A guy who spends 90%
of his time
in the bathroom.
Hey, stop!
What are you doing?
- What are you,
what are you doing?
- Are you insane?
- Why are you home?
It's noon.
- Because I quit my job!
- Wha.. How?
- Tha.. Uh, that..
I'm coming here to tell
you how, right now!
But I have to walk in
to this. Here. Look!
- I was..
- I quit my com..
I quit my job!
And I'm starting
my company!
I'm starting my company.
And I want you
to investor, okay?
But first
there's this contract.
Basically says
that I have to..
- Don't touch it.
Don't touch it, please!
- Okay.
I have to pay you back
every cent
within three years or else
or else you own
the whole thing.
And I set myself on fire.
- You know you don't
have to pay me back.
- No, I do, okay? I do.
I'm putting my pride aside
and I'm asking
for your help.
And that's really,
really hard for me.
So, I need you
to let me pay you back
which is really,
really hard for you.
Okay, well, how much
do you need?
I'm not sure yet.
Actually, I already raised
a lot of money online
by myself.
With your clothes on or..
You know, I was thinking,
you know.
Now that we have
this time off
maybe you could,
I don't know..
- Get me pregnant?
- Oh, really?
Yeah, because in a year,
like, I might be
a business mogul.
Like, I might have
a book deal.
I'm gonna -- I'm gonna
have surrogates
having kids for me.
Oh, okay, well, yeah,
I can, I can
get you pregnant.
Oh, you're a professional
athlete. I have no doubt.
- Oh, I'm gonna get
you pregnant so hard.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah. Okay, no.
Not good for the knee.
- Oh, okay.
- My knee hurts.
- Oh, okay, fine,
I'll get on top.
- That's best for my knee.
- Because I do everything
around here.
- Oh, that's better.
That's so much better.
- Is this okay?
- Thank you.
- You -- you're good?
- Am I crushing you?
- Yeah, I'm good.
No, no, no.
- You're good.
- That's my
worst nightmare.
- You know that.
- No, it's just the,
the brace. It's not..
It's not..
I can still do this.
Don't think --
I feel like
I'm gonna break you.
You're not going
to break me. I'm 250..
I'm not a plumber!
- What?
- Oh, my God.
I'm a carpenter.
Like Jesus. Okay?
Someone who
you'll never meet.
What does that..
[indistinct chatter]
- Lindsay!
- Oh, hi, Lisa!
- Thank you for coming!
- Oh!
I've never been
to a divorce party before.
This is super fun!
So what happened?
He cheated?
Who would cheat on you?
What a monster.
- Is he gay?
- No. No. No.
Nothing like that.
Oh, hey,
you can tell me, okay?
Oh, I'm telling you,
we just realized
it run its course and
we wanted to have a party
because divorce
doesn't have to suck,
you know.
Right. So it was
an online affair?
- Yeah, sure.
- I knew it.
I'm really, really sorry.
- Oh, speak of the devil.
- Mm.
Hey, good to see you.
- Hey!
- Hey, baby.
Sorry, I'm late,
but you took the car.
Nobody believes me that
you didn't cheat on me.
I don't know how
to take it, as an insult
to you or to me.
What? Haters. That's all
they are, is haters.
What the hell
are you wearing?
This is my singles shirt.
Yeah, I know,
and I threw that thing out
like three years ago.
But I take out the trash
so now it's back
live in effect.
But you.. My God,
you looking good
in them heels.
Divorced a week
and you're already out
hitting them streets.
Yeah, but I haven't worn
high heels
like in ten years
and they're killing me.
Maybe we should
get back together?
Sorry. I've already got
my own debit card.
- Uh?
- And I'm about to ball.
Well, w -- why then,
why don't you go and ball
with Rebecca, right there,
she's there.
Why would I go
talk to her?
Please. You've always had
a crush on her.
Oh, no. No, I haven't!
Why would you think that?
Listen, we're not
together anymore,
you can be honest with me.
Okay, she is fine as hell.
Okay, go.
Go talk to her.
Okay. Now -- now
what do I do again?
- You just ask her
something about herself.
- Okay.
And don't do that,
that thing you do
with your..
Licking your teeth,
or something weird.
- You liked that.
- No, I didn't.
- You did.
- Shh!
Hey! Rebecca.
What's up, baby?
Boy, you look slammin'.
People don't say slammin'
no more, do they?
Well, it was nice
seeing you.
Oh, I -- I just got
a debit card
if you ever wanna
I could buy you
another flesh tone purse.
I'm very bad at romance.
But I'm good at fuckin'.
[cell phone vibrates]
[instrumental music]
H.. Hi.
Uh, why are you
being a penis?
You know, I've, uh,
I've just been busy. So..
You know, uh,
that's what I say
to girls when
I don't want to date them.
Okay, can we talk
about this later?
I say that too.
Um, Julia?
Why are you
fucking this up?
So, what's happening is,
y -- you're pissed.
Totally get it.
You're having
something called
dopamine withdrawal.
It's when you have a lot
of dopamine flood --
You have no idea
what I'm having
'cause you don't know me.
Uh, um..
The thing is I actually
kind of do.
I saw..
- I saw your brain scans.
- Hmm.
And your behavior..'s almost 100 percent
antithetical to them.
So what's probably
happening is that you need
a conquest for
your testosterone
or your ego,
or something.
It's basically
like wanting
what you can't have.
It doesn't matter.
Uh, the point is
that I'm fine.
You don't have to pretend
that you want something
real with me.
- It's tot --
- Oh, I'm not pretending.
Oh, oh, oh.
If I may? It's just that
your neurology disagrees.
- Um..
- How's that?
So, you..
You did not have empathy
for a...a kitten. So..
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Yeah, well I'm not a
cat person 'cause they, uh
they're dicks.
- Oh.
- So that clears that up.
Alright. Well..
Let's just blame this one
on me then, I..
I don't really do
the whole passion,
love thing.
I'm just not that kind
of girl, I guess.
Oh, you're totally
that kind of girl.
- Re -- really?
- Yeah.
You're also
a fucking liar.
- I'm sorry?
- Well,
'cause you were married.
So you're not
a workaholic.
You're just heartbroken.
Okay. Fine.
Even more proof
that this is impossible.
So, thank you.
Thanks for coming.
Uh, bye.
What about, uh, brain
uh, plasticity,
- Plasticity?
- Plasticity, right.
I read about it online.
It says you can
change your brain, so..
What now?
- O -- okay, um..
Can we just..
Just drop it.
You know, for someone
who studies women
you sure seem
to hate being one.
Ah.. You need validation?
Or, I don't..
No, maybe you should take
one of your own tests
I don't need to.
I've rewired my brain.
- Cool.
- So..
- Well done.
- Thank you.
[instrumental music]
[knock on door]
Holy shit.
Are you okay?
- Hi.
- You look..
Why do you look different?
Are you wearing..
- Are you wearing a wig?
- No.
This is what I look like.
No make-up.
No blow-drying.
No straightening
and then re-curling.
No tanning.
No false lashes.
Just a couple.
I couldn't
get them all off.
No nails. Nothing.
Were you evicted?
No, um, I..
I just wanted to show you
that I can stop
all of this stuff,
you know
and I can stop..
...trying to..
...change you
all the time, uh..
Adam, I know
it feels terrible.
Um, my mother,
you have met
a very lovely lady.
But she criticized me
my entire life
and, um..
Well, I guess that I..
I don't know, I guess..
I...I kind of caught it,
And, um,
I honestly thought
that when you
love someone
that you were
s -- supposed to..
...try to improve them,
The.. And change..
I don't know.
I thought
you change them.
- You change yourself --
- Why would you..
- Why would you do that?
- Look plea.. This..
I look hideous
right now --
- You do not look hideous.
- No, I am.
- Lex.
- I've just looked
at myself in the mirror.
And it's a shocker.
I know what I look like.
If you didn't put all that
shit in your hair
and on your face --
- I know.
- I've never noticed
you have freckles.
- They look..
They're so cute.
- It -- it's..
They're freckles and it's
sun damage as well, I..
Yeah. I did. I had some..
Did a bit of laser
and then it..
I didn't do the sunscreen
and they kind of came back
and I made it worse.
Um, anyway,
I always thought
that I had to
cover them up
to be perfect for..
To be perfect for you.
I hope that didn't
come from me.
I never want you
to feel that way.
You didn't. I don't know
why I thought that.
Look at you.
You look, you look like
the Wendy's girl.
- Who's Wendy?
- The Wendy's girl
with the pigtails.
- Red hair
and the freckles.
- Who's she?
The fast food joint.
The burger joint.
- Is she fat?
- Is she fat?
No, I'm not
calling you fat.
I'm saying you look cute
with your freckles.
You don't have Wendy's
in the UK?
No. We don't.
- You look incredible.
- Thank you.
You do. I'm speaking
for every guy out there.
Thank you.
So.. I am, and, um.. freckles
and my hair..
And I just wanted to say
that I'm so sorry.
And that if..
If you could
forgive me, then..
...I would really
really, really like to..
I'd really like to
try again with you.
[instrumental music]
I'm willing to give
this another shot
on one condition.
- I wanna know
that you can handle --
- Yes.
Being demoted
to just my girlfriend.
- Just my girlfriend.
You're not my stylist.
You're not
my nutritionist.
- You're not
my beautician.
- No.
You're not my doctor.
You're my girlfriend.
Can you handle that?
I accept my demotion.
I don't..
I don't wanna have to say
this, but when you
when you try
and change me.. does hurt.
It hurts my feelings.
I'm so, so sorry.
I'll be honest, if it
wasn't for your nitpicking
I probably would never
have gone
to the doctor, so..
Don't let this go
to your frizzy head
but thank you
for saving my life.
You're welcome.
There's no goop!
[instrumental music]
[music continues]
So, it turns out
I couldn't hack
my neurochemicals.
But I guess
the real question is
why did I want to
so badly?
Maybe I didn't need to
change my brain.
Maybe I just needed
to change
my interpretation of it.
After years of research
I found that the male
and female brain
is wired very differently.
Frankly, I was disappointed
by the results
because they didn't feel
like social progress.
So, I kept looking
for a bias.
I re-did the studies
over and over again
and I did find
a bias after all.
A very...problematic
and...subjective bias.
And that bias was me.
I went into all this
thinking that girls
being emotional, sensitive
was a bad thing
because our society
makes us
feel so ashamed of it.
I viewed these qualities
as weaknesses.
But that was a flaw
in my approach.
And in many ways, my life.
The truth is that
these stereotypical
female qualities
are actually strengths.
Supportive and resilient.
These don't seem
that bad.
And even though
the female brain
can, at times,
be complicated
and confusing
nobody can deny
our ability
to get back up.
Every day our brains
tell us
there is a lot
to be afraid of.
But even though
we're hardwired
to avoid danger,
we're also wired
for courage.
So, when it comes
to fight or flight
flight is always easier.
But every now and then
you come across something
that's worth
fighting for.
- Hi.
- Oh, hey.
Dr. Strangely Hates Love.
That was funny.
- Then laugh.
- I was about to.
I was literally
just about to do that
if you'd let me finish.
These lights
are really pretty.
I don't think this
is gonna work for me.
Uh, I read the papers
you posted online.
- It's bleak stuff.
- Okay.
That's fair. That's fair.
Um, however..
It's -- it's..
You're not wrong.
Science is bleak.
And I'm sorry about that.
Uh, but I, I looked at
my brain scans
and it turns out
I'm a girl
which is
terribly inconvenient
but I'm gonna
work through it.
You can honestly tell me
this would ever work?
No. What? No.
I can't do that.
Yeah, you need to watch
more movies
'cause that's not what
the girl's supposed to say
to the guy when she's
trying to get him back.
It's just not the..
Okay, well, I'm not
gonna lie to you.
This is all a bunch
of chemical reactions
that are eventually gonna,
you know, peter out.
Here we go.
You're gonna think
other girls are pretty.
And you're gonna stop
being attracted to me
at some point.
And I'm gonna get jealous
and I'm probably
gonna act crazy.
And I'm gonna get
super paranoid
and I'm gonna wanna,
like, go through
your phone.
And I'm gonna act
really insane sometimes,
but I am ready.
You know, I'd never
intentionally do
any of that.
You're gonna break
my heart
but it will be worth it.
Well, look on the
bright side, you know,
maybe you'll get lucky
and break mine first.
I hope so.
I really hope so. Oh.
- You're not
supposed to say that.
- Oh.
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]
[music continues]
[music continues]
[music continues]
[instrumental music]
What would you
have me do?
Where would you
have me go?
Tell me how to
fly away
I'll spread my wings
and go
Tell me to stay
I'll lay back down
Drift away
without a sound
I'll keep on baiting
your frame of view
Every day's a new shade
of you eh
What would you
have me do?
Where would you
have me go?
What would you
have me do?
Where would you
have me go?
[music continues]
Where would you
have me go?
Where would you
have me go?
[music continues]
What would you
have me do?
Where would you
have me go?
When will you
It's not the same
You buried me deep
and dig me up
So we are diamonds
in the rough
Oh we can't be saved
this time it's true
Doing my best to
break through to you eh
What would you
have me do?
Where would you
have me go?
What would you
have me do?
Where would you
have me go?
[music continues]
Where would you
have me go?
I get so high
I could touch the sky
I get so high
I could kiss the sky
But you bring me
back down low
You're always
bringing me down
[music continues]