The First Turn-On (1983) Movie Script

[music playing]
NARRATOR: Ah, nature,
it's beautiful
and what better place to
enjoy it than a summer camp.
Welcome to Camp
Big Teepee, a place
where children come
year after year
to gain the experience that
only a summer camp can provide.
[clears throat] Experiences
that will last a lifetime.
Children will learn to
share-- to make friends--
they'll learn to swim and
acquire valuable skills
such as woodworking.
[evil laughter]
Yes, Camp Big Teepee provides
the physical exercise that
enables young bodies to grow.
My chest grew a quarter
of an inch since last week.
everyone will learn
the value of determination
and self-restraint.
Could it be three days
without wetting my bed?
Three d-- two-- two days.
campers will be guided
by the very
responsible counselors
who are always on the ball.
And Jane.
Oh, Dick.
Why Jane.
Oh, Dick.
See Spot run.
Oh, yes!
NARRATOR: But most
important, children are
taught to appreciate nature.
Ah, the forest--
such a wondrous place.
Come campers, let us explore.
If we keep our
eyes and ears open,
we might just be
able to see some
of natures busy little creatures
in their natural habitat.
Now, listen
carefully, this region
abounds with many
of the furry animals
such as raccoon and beaver.
Watch your step.
The brush is thick here.
It's hard to see
where you're going.
NARRATOR: Our story begins
on the last day of camp.
Attention campers--
like report for
totally grody mess hall
because it's the super-mom end
of the summer speech thing, OK?
Campers, it has been
a productive summer.
I know we've all come a
long way in six weeks.
We've had fun.
But we've matured.
Ah, phooey!
Now, don't forget
to tell mom and dad
what a terrific
time you've had so
that you can all come back next
year to be further enriched.
And we can all make more
money-- uh, friends.
Attention campers,
OK, like, go to your whoa, hey,
like assigned activities, OK?
Now follow me girls
and do exactly as I do.
One, two, stretch.
One, two, stretch.
One, two, stretch.
Girls-- do exactly as I
do. [frog sound] Ooh.
The morning activity
is nature again?
Oh, I hate nature!
Nature hunt?
I want to go shoot some hoops.
It's a nature hike.
And that means a lot of walking.
And I hope we're back
in time for lunch.
Oh, nature sucks and
so doe that nature
counselor, Miss Farmer.
OK, campers, today the main
emphasis of our nature walk
will deal with the
study of symbiosis.
Does anybody know
what that means?
Symbiosis-- uh, yeah.
My mother had that once.
But then she got some mouthwash.
Now it's all better, huh?
No, Mitchell.
Hey, where'd you get that?
You want to get high?
Hey, what are guys doing?
Hey, bug off, shithead.
Are you going to smoke that?
Yeah, bigshot, you want a hit?
Yeah, sure.
OK, great.
Let's go.
Oh, I'm always starved
after I smoke pot.
I have no food.
Oh, come on, Annie.
Let's ask Henry.
He's always got lots of food.
Hey, Henry, you want a hit?
You want a hit?
No, don't hit me.
Don't hit me.
Please don't do that.
-No, no, no.
Do you want to smoke some grass?
Oh, sure
Let's continue our nature hike.
Let's see if we can find
some specific examples
of symbiotic relationships.
Fuck this nature shit.
Let's go smoke the grass.
[music playing]
Hey, guys!
I've got the grass.
Come on.
Let's smoke it.
Follow me, guys.
I know just the place.
Hey, Henry, where are we going?
Come on.
It's right here.
I come here all the time.
Watch out for the
rabbit shit, guys.
Hey, uh, Dan, you
got that lantern?
It's dark in there.
You go first.
Who me?
Yeah, come on.
Go ahead.
Come on, Danny.
Come on.
DANNY: Why do I have to
go in the hole first?
MITCH: Because douche
bags go in the hole first.
DANNY: Are sure
it's safe in here?
Come on.
ANNIE: Mitch, you behind me?
MITCH: I'm right on your tail.
Come on, you guys, my
place is just around here.
Oh, shit.
So do you guys want to
go by the onyx formation
that looks like popcorn?
Or the one that
looks like donuts?
Yeah, donuts.
Henry, you farted
right in my face.
HENRY: Sorry, cheese
sandwiches do that to me.
Oh, the giant grape.
Where is it?
Right here.
And for your
post-joint enjoyment,
I always keep a
little food here just
for these kind of emergencies.
Good going, Henry.
Mitchell, can you tell
me the name of that plant?
Where's Mitchell?
Where's Annie?
Miss Farmer, I saw them
leave with a funny cigarette.
Now, now, now, don't panic.
Now you children
stay right here.
I'll be right back.
Now, don't move.
Do you understand me?
Dont' move.
Yes, Miss Farmer.
Screw here, let's go.
DANNY: Smooth stuff.
Hey, Danny, come over here
and take a hit of this.
DANNY: Ouch!
The joint burned my tongue.
MITCH: No, you idiot.
Smoke the other end.
Those assholes, I knew
I couldn't trust them.
Oh, sinsemilla.
Those kids have good taste.
Shit, if I can only
get my hands on them.
Is it imported?
You bet.
Well, I only smoke the best.
Well, it is the best.
OK, you guys.
Don't try to get
rid of the smell.
That's how I found you
in the first place.
I could smell it a mile away.
Danny Anderson!
I'm ashamed of you.
And you were nominated for
Most Improved Camper Award.
Why did you guys
leave the group?
I could get in a lot of
trouble because of you.
Well, what do you have
to say for yourselves?
Want a hit?
Oh, gee, thanks.
No, I don't smoke pot.
My body is a temple.
I would never put any
chemicals into it.
Yeah, except for maybe
your birth control pills.
Why do you guys want
to do this anyway?
I mean, you should
get high on nature.
Just look at the beauty
and symmetry of this cave.
This cave is a perfect
example of the changing
state of nature.
Just look at the way
that still stalactite
delicately clings to the roof
of this cavernous orifice.
The slightest movement or
sound could offset that balance
and create an upheaval that
is probably how this cave
was created in the first place.
[screams] It's a spider!
It's a spider!
It's OK.
It's OK.
[rumbling sound]
See what your
screaming has done?
Are you trying to kill us?
It's not Annie'sfault. It's just
a demonstration of nature in
an ever-changing state of flux.
Oh, fuck the flux.
Let's get the fuck out of here.
Don't panic.
The slightest sound
could cause a cave-in.
Now let's move very
slowly out of the cave.
Go ahead, Mitchell.
No, no, no.
Ladies first.
You go first.
OK, now remember
don't make a sound.
Oh, shit!
If I told you once, I told
you a thousand times, Butch.
You've got to water
down the milk.
This milk bill is killing me.
And another thing,
you've got to double dose
the salt
peter in the bug juice.
These kids are getting
a little bit too frisky.
Loose joints!
Loose joints!
Nickle bags-- come on,
loose, I got it all.
You don't got a date to
take to the boathouse?
My friend-- she'll
take good care of you.
There you go.
Come on, guys.
I got to go.
You got some petroleum
jelly for your girlfriend.
I got it.
I got a bong.
I got it all, guys.
Is everybody OK?
The whole fucking thing
caved in on us, asshole.
I'm sorry guys.
I guess I shouldn't have had
that other cheese sandwich.
All right, listen, don't worry.
I'll get us out of here.
All right?
All right.
Holy shit!
MISS FARMER: I'll never be ready
for the end-of-season banquet.
HENRY: Oh, yeah, the banquet.
And they're having
chocolate pudding.
Come on, Mitch.
You can get us out of here.
I know you can.
Damn, these fucking rocks.
There's no way.
There's no fucking way.
There's thousands
of rocks back there.
Now what are we going
to do Miss Know-it-All.
Well, don't panic.
Well, let's look on
the positive side.
We still have light
and half a joint.
Half a joint.
And let's see, who
knows we're here.
My campers!
They're still back on
the trail waiting for me.
They are bound to come
and get us in no time.
Oh, boy, what a relief.
Hey, Clem, what's that
guy doing by our fence?
So hard to find a good
piss pole these days.
And this one is a beauty.
Hey, it looks like he's
breaking into our chicken coop.
What a relief.
Oh, my back teeth were floating.
My teeth were just
going to fall right out.
They were just floating.
Oh, thank goodness
I found this pole.
I thought it--
OK, buster, put up your hands
and turn around real slow.
Well, wait, wait, wait.
Put up your hands and
turn around real slow.
Well, OK.
Oh, don't hurt me.
These water bills
are killing me.
Now, I told you I
wanted three campers
to pee before each flush.
Get it?
Got it.
Lebotomy, what
are you doing back
so soon from the nature hunt?
Danny Anderson.
Mitch, Annie, and
Henry-- funny cigarettes.
What are you trying to tell me?
Well, they're lost.
And they're not coming back.
Merriam, check on his story.
We've got to find those kids.
Some of them haven't
paid their bill yet.
What time is it, Miss Farmer?
Leave me alone.
Oh, excuse me.
What's the matter with you?
You've never been
touched by a man before?
Scared I might turn you on?
Big shot.
I am sick of yours
notty comments.
I have been touched by more men
than you could even imagine.
I bet you wouldn't even
know what to do if I
really let you touch me anyway.
Yeah, I bet you never even
have gotten laid, Stub.
Hey, listen, I wouldn't want
to bore you with the details.
Besides, you wouldn't
understand half of it anyway.
And don't call me Stub.
My name is Stud.
OK Stub, why don't you tell
us about your sexual conquests?
I don't want to
talk about this.
The act of sexual intercourse--
the coupling of two organisms
is the most important
and obviously essential
when in the life
cycle of the species.
What the hell did she just say?
She's trying to tell us she
never bobbed on a man before.
How about it, nature counselor?
I bet you're the world's
first 22-year-old virgin.
Yeah, when did Miss Nature
Teacher get her cherry
[popping sound] popped.
Aren't we all charming today?
OK, Stub, you're
going to enlighten us
on your vast sexual experience.
OK, all right.
I'll tell you all about
the first time I got laid.
Under one condition.
That you all tell me about
the first time you got laid.
What's the matter?
You've all done it haven't you?
Of course.
DANNY: What do you take us for?
Hey, Henry, we got a
virgin in the group?
I always get fucked.
ANNIE: Come on,
Mitch, you start off.
The first time I got lad, hmm,
shit, there's been so many.
Ah, I remember.
It all started when I had a
fight with my chick, Kathy.
I took here to Inspiration
Point, a nice secluded place
where I knew we
could be all alone.
Then I started to put these
major league moves on her.
Oh, is that bubble
gum I taste?
No, I just have this
terrible sinus congestion.
Kathy, if you could just--
Stud, we've only
been going out a week.
Oh, I know.
It's been a good week too.
Just like--
I really don't want to.
Yeah, yeah, just-- just-- yeah.
As usual, the chick
had her hands all over me.
I had to fight her away.
Oh, Jess!
Oh, Jess!
Oh, Jess!
Oh, Jess!
Oh, Jess!
Oh, Jess!
Jesus Christ!
What is this sticky
shit all over my dress?
You pig!
I hope this doesn't
get me pregnant.
it couldn't last forever.
So I hit the road.
JESS: Pig, get out of here.
You weenie.
Excuse me.
I decided to go while
the going was good.
I don't like chicks
who get stuck on me.
decided to thumb a ride.
People always took an
instant liking to me.
All I had to dow
as flex my biceps.
And it was easy as
fucking a tomato.
A real cute chick picked me up.
I could tell she was a
real nice clean cut girl.
She wasn't like Kathy at all.
She was mature.
What's your name?
My name is Mitch.
But friends call
me Stub-- ah, Stud.
Why is that?
It's a long line of women
who can tell you why.
Are you always
so shy and modest?
Only with breasts--
uh, girls I like.
Does that mean you like me?
Well, you sure
are kind of cute.
I really like the preppy look.
Gee, thanks a lot, you know?
I don't get too compliments
in my line of work.
What's your line of work?
I mean, you can't
tell what I do?
MITCH: Not really.
Hey, Stud-- into the road.
You never did tell
me what you did.
Uh, I'm a hooker, you know?
A real, live call girl.
Would I lie about
something like that?
No, I guess not.
Why don't you come
over for a drink?
I'm sure you can find the time.
Well, yeah, I guess
I could do that.
Where do you live?
(VOICEOVER) I finally hit
the jackpot with this chick.
But I didn't want to
screw up this opportunity.
So I decided to
bring my friend Jeff
along because he
read all the books
and how to score with the women.
This is it.
Mitch, don't worry
about a thing, OK?
Just run the order past
me one more time now.
First, body hygiene.
Oh, Mitch, no.
Oh, come on, Jeff.
Now, how many times
have I got to tell you?
One, you blow in her ear.
That drives them wild.
Two, body hygiene--
OK, some guys
like for a guy to spend
some time in the bathroom
before indulging
in such activities.
Three, moan and groan--
it drives them wild.
Four, get them nice and wet.
And five, zingo!
Now, if all else fails, take
my words of wisdom for advice.
When in doubt, whip it out.
That's it.
Come on.
Let's get going.
[popping sounds]
Jeff was a real pro.
He started the evening
off with rule number one.
He blew in her ear.
Well, here I am, Babe,
all six inches of me.
Who is this?
Who me?
Hey, I'm Jeff.
I'm here to give
you some hot action.
Well, Mitch I'm first.
Make yourself
comfortable because this
is going to take a while.
As for you sweetheart.
Tell me, what do we got?
Around the world?
Half and half French-Greek?
I know Greek is
usually a little extra.
Hey, maybe we can get
the two for one price.
Oh, hey, I know you
professional type girls.
You like to see the
cash first, right?
Hey, OK, I don't blame you.
I come prepared.
Don't worry.
Let's see if we've
got a one dollar, two
dollars, a three, four dollars.
How does that sound, sweetheart?
There's more where
this came from.
You know what I mean?
What did you say your name was?
JEFF: Jeff.
You got it.-Come on in.
[turnstile sound]
I don't believe what I've done.
Look at this place.
This isn't the living
room of a hooker.
This is the living
room of a nice girl.
Excuse me for a moment please.
Yeah, really?
Holy shit!
What the hell was in that book?
Moans and groans-- a
body hygiene-- my notes.
"Blow in her ear, body
hygiene, moans and groans,
get her nice and wet, zingo."
OK, step number
two, body hygiene.
Oh, my god.
Oh, geez, champagne.
Oh, you brought me champagne.
OK, body hygiene.
"Moans and groans."
Moans and groans--
uh-- no, no.
No, geez.
I got it now.
All I git to do is
take up my pants.
And I don't need
a book for that.
Oh, look at this --
horsd'oeuvres-- beautiful--
beautiful hors d'oeuvres.
And I brought that animal here.
That animal!
Oh, if that animal.
If you touch her, I'll kill you!
You better be good to her.
God, what did I do?
What are you doing?
I haven't even touched you yet.
I'm a very, very excitable guy.
It doesn't look very excited.
You know, you're right.
Wait one second.
"Step Four, gether nice and wet."
Ah, get her nice and wet.
I understand.
You girls can't do it
unless you're nice and wet.
Jeffy here is going to
get you nice and wet.
[screams] God, you asshole!
Sweetheart, I can't help.
I just followed the directions.
I'm coming.
I'm coming.
I'm coming.
What the hell are you doing?
I did everything by the book.
This will show you
how to treat a lady.
Oh, Mitch, I went
with the book.
She's just frigid.That's all.
She's just frigid.
That broad is frigid.
I'm sorry I hit you.
I didn't know he
was going to duck.
Who cut off the lights?
Where am I?
I can't see.
Excuse me.I know what it is.
She's frigid, Mitch.
That's what she is.
She's frigid.
Oh, my balls.
You'll never believe this.
But this is really
my first time.
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's OK.
It's just that you must
have been with thousands
and thousands of men.
Oh, I didn't mean that.
Oh, you know what I
meant, Lucy, I'm sorry.
It's OK.
You don't have to
worry because I'm
going to teach you everything.
though it was my first time,
my instincts took over.
What do I do first?
Well, first why don't you
put your hand on my breast?
Like that.
[rubbery sound] Oh,
don't squeeze so hard.
I'm sorry.
It's OK.
Just very nicely.
[music playing]
Mitch, you're so hard.
And you're so big.
And you're so warm.
But if you would move down
just a little further,
it wouldn't be my belly button.
Oh, sorry.
OK, thank you.
Um, much better.
[music playing]
That's nice.
Oh, Lucy.
Was that good enough for you?
Mitch, you were wonderful.
Did you-- you know--
Yeah, sometimes it takes
a little more for me to,
you know.
Well, what can I do?
What can I do?
[music playing]
Mitch, you're the best.
You're the best.
Mitch, you're the best.
Oh, god, you're the best.
Mitch, you're the best.
Mitch, you're the best.
Mitch, you're the best.
Mitch, you're the best.
Mitch, you're the best.
And that's the way-- And
that's the way it happened.
What a crock of shit.
attention, is this thing on?
Well, attention campers--
like, go to the mess hall
for a truly cool assembly.
OK, campers.
It has been our tradition
here at Camp Big Teepee.
As I've told your parents,
on the last day of camp
to always bring in our
nature appreciation film.
And you'd better like--
I'm sure you'll like it.
All right, Vinnie, come
on, come on, come on.
Stop washing the dishes.
Get out here and
start the damn movie.
Oh, OK.
Hit the lights.
NARRATOR: The asbestos
and toxic waste
manufacturers of
America proudly present
"Nature: Your Friend and Mine."
All over America
people are getting
into the good old outdoors in
appreciating their environment.
Let's take a trip
with the Platt family.
Mom and dad know
how important it
is to have the appropriate
vehicle for their outing
into the wilderness.
Dad decided to get the
economy-sized vehicle with all
the accessories-- a vehicle that
illustrates their understanding
of nature's delicate harmony.
Junior and sis have
been taught to respect
all the little
animals in the forest.
So remember, look, don't touch.
Dad teaches his family that
the woods belonged to everyone
and that there are many
people who come to the forest
to appreciate the bird life.
Look, a Kirtland warbler.
There are only about a hundred
of those left in the world.
They are almost instinct.
Come on, son.
Let's blow it out of the sky.
NARRATOR: This film
has been brought
to you by the Asbestos and Toxic
Waste Manufacturers of America.
Isn't that great?
Isn't that great?
I told you we would have
some entertainment today.
Let's hear it from you.
I'm sure you got a
great story to tell.
It's none of your business.
Danny Anderson, you promised.
Well-- let Henry go first.
Yeah, come on, Henry.
Oh, well, sure.
I mean, with me, it
was never any problem.
If I wanted a date, all I
ever had to do was reach over,
pick up the phone,
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Now those, of course, were just
some of my more casual dates.
But the first time it never
really happened for me
was on Halloween night.
This year, I decided to be
different and go as a ghost.
Oh, wow!
Mom makes the best Halloween
costumes of anybody.
Hey, if I'm going to be
eating all that candy tonight,
I better get something
solid in my stomach.
Yeah, I need a pizza.
(VOICEOVER) There one slight
problem with my costume though.
Mom forgot to cut a
hole for my mouth.
When I tried to take off my
hood, the zipper got stuck.
No matter how hard I struggled,
I couldn't get the hood off.
I didn't panic.
I just got a pizza to go.
But my hood got turned around.
And I could hardly
see where I was going.
That's my man, bitch.
I usually walked
across the school parking lot.
But there was a bunch of
real naughty kids there.
So I decided to avoid the
mand cut across the field.
It's lucky I did because
these kids were real bad.
Give me some money, blondie.
HENRY: I knew they'd
start trouble.
I don't know what
you want from me.
Wait a minute.
What's going on here?
Get that bitch.
Get that bitch, man.
Ron, is that your
purse she's carrying.
Yeah, that is my pink purse.
Hey, man, you can't let
her take your purse, man.
It got your lipstick in it.
She must have stole it from me.
Oh, please don't hurt me.
Come on.
Let's kill the
bitch, man, come on.
Where is it?
I'm done with the nice guy now.
That's right.
Hit her.
Who turned out the lights?
Hey, man, check
this shit out, man.
It must be a Ku Klux Klan
meeting somewhere , man.
Hey, let's give them a real
Batman's welcome to the KKK.
Hey, what's going on here?
You in the wrong place, fool.
You're going to die, man.
Hey, what's going on here?
Hey, ouch!
All right, man.
That's what you get, yeah.
Yeah, man.
Let's go, man.
Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la!
Oh, my goodness.
Don't hit me.
Don't hit me.
No, no, that's all right.
They're gone.
Oh, you poor thing.
Are you OK?
No, you came
along just in time.
Those guys had knives.
It was smart of you
to put on that costume
to scare them away, yeah.
My costume?
Oh, this was just a coinc--
oh, yeah,
I mean, I guess I was
pretty convincing, huh?
Well, I guess I got to go.
Wait a minute.
I don't even know who you are.
I don't even know your name.
It doesn't matter.
Yes, it does.
You just saved my life.
My name is Henry
Putz-- goodbye.
Henry, I don't know if I
should be asking you this.
But do you think you
could walk me home.
I'm still kind of shaken up.
Well, there goes my dinner.
That's OK.
I'll get you something
to eat at my house.
did I know that I just saved
the life of Barbara
Billington, the richest,
most beautiful,
most sophisticated
teenage nymphomaniac in town.
Nice house.
Oh, thanks.
Personally I think
it's a bit too big.
But you see, when daddy died, he
left mom and me a lot of money.
So we moved from Akron
and bought this place.
HENRY: My uncle
comes from Akron.
So, Henry, let me take
a look at wound for you.
Oh, no, it's OK.
Oh, Henry, it's a good
thing I'm looking at this.
If you had gotten some of
that cheese into the cut,
you could have gotten
mozzarella poisoning.
Mozzarella poisoning?
So, Henry, take
off the costume.
Let me look at it for you.
Oh, no, it'll be OK.
Henry, just let me take a look.
No, no, no.
It'll be OK.
What's the matter with you?
Well, it's just that I'm
kind of uptight about by body.
I mean, my tits are bigger
than any girls I ever met.
Oh, Henry, don't
say things like that.
Why are you being
so nice to me?
Most girls usually
won't even talk to me.
And when they do, it's
just to put me down.
BARBARA: I think you're
a nice guy, Henry.
There's nothing wrong with you.
Most girls usually won't
even give me the time of day.
And when they do,
that's always wrong.
Oh, Henry.
I mean, after all, it
is my own fault, I mean,
because I am this big, fat oaf.
Stop it, Henry.
I mean, all the guys
that I go out with
are just self-centere
degotistical maniacs.
They just want to score so
they can brag to their friends.
You're very different.
Are those Dunkin' Donuts?
I thought they might
be your favorite.
donut led to another.
We just couldn't stop ourselves.
And I guess weboth lost control.
Oh, Henry.
Oh, Henry, you are so good.
You must be so experienced.
Oh, Henry, am I
good enough for you?
Oh, Henry.
Really, Henry, tell me.
Am I good enough?
I don't think it could
get any better than this.
Want to bet?
Oh, ahh.
Oh, I don't care what you do.
Just get that thing off of me.
I've got enough hair down there.
I don't need that
hairy thing there.
Now get it off of me now!
Now, she won't hurt you
if you don't hurt her.
She's only trying to
protect her young.
What about my young?
Now, calm down, Henry,
don't excite yourself.
I'll handle this.
MITCH: Wow, nice forehand.
Now campers, I hate to have
to punish you in this way.
But no matter what I do, I can't
get you do arts and crafts.
So I brought something that I
think will keep you interested.
Now, this is going to
be a sculpture class.
You each have your
own individual wads
of clay in front of you.
And I would like you
all to get to work.
Now, get to work.
What are we supposed
to make a sculpture of?
Calm down.
I'd like you all make
a sculpture of this.
Get out of my way.
Get out of my way.
No, cuts.
I've been waiting
since yesterday.
I gave up baseball for
this, for Christ's sake.
It's my turn, broads.
Get out of the way.
It's my turn.
I'm sure Mr. Zitzler
has the state police
out looking for us by now.
Mr. Zitzler.
What do you want?
Can't just see I'm busy, Stinky.
Well, here are the
magazines you ordered.
Thanks Mr. Zitzler.
Oh, the kids that got
lost in the nature walk.
They still can't find them.
So keep looking.
Full house.
Mr. Zitzler, my frog is sick.
You get away from
here, you creep.
Mr. Zitzler is not
eating his cocoa crispies.
You see what I havet
to put up with?
Well, we're not
too low on food.
But we just ran out of water.
I'm sure the whole camp must
be looking for us by now.
Listen up-- listen
up Big Teepeers,
we've got a little problem.
Four campers and Michelle
Farmer, your nature counselor,
are lost.
Now, you all know that
here at Camp Big Teepee,
we all like to consider
ourselves a big, happy family
that sticks together.
Ah, phooey.
And now we've all got to
get together to help find
Michelle shell and her campers.
Because if we don't
find them, the camp
will shut down next year.
Did anybody hear anything?
I thought I heard something.
We should be saved soon.
My mom's coming to
pick me up today.
She's going to go nuts
if she can't find me.
Why, Mrs. Anderson, I
was just looking for you.
You know very well, I
phoned you this morning
and told you I'd be there
promptly this afternoon
to pick up my Danny.
Now, where is he?
What's going on around here?
Well, here is the basketball
court where we teach them
the rudiments of basketball.
Basketball, my Danny
loves basketball.
Is he playing?
Well, playing is only
a figurative term, mam,
you see it parallels the life--
Can't you take me
to see my Danny?
Can you?
Can you?
Can you?
Yes, we have a marvelous
canoeing program.
And I'd love to show
you this, Mrs. Anderson.
Anne, you can be
so quiet lately.
It's getting cold in here.
Try not to think about the cold.
Think about something else.
Think about the first time
you got laid because I
want to hear all about it.
Yeah, me too.
Well, I'm sure my
stories isn't half
as exciting as any of yours.
I'm just a little farm girl.
(VOICEOVER) And didn't know any
little boys farm boys my age.
The work was so hard and the
hired hands were so lazy,
I had to make out
the best I could.
I don't know what
it was, whether it
was the heat, the sweat, the
frustration of the farm work
or what.
But something changed
for me that day.
And it first hit me later
that night when my girlfriends
came over for a slumber party.
Annie, I'm going to go on my
very first date Saturday night.
What should I do?
OK, this is what you do.
Now, put your hand on
his leg about up to here.
You don't want him to
think you're too easy.
Now, he's going to
pretend to yawn like this.
He's going to go to second base.
Don't worry.
He's just going to feel you up.
Well, but what if
he tries to kiss me?
There are two kinds of kisses.
The dry kiss and the wet kiss.
This is dry kiss.
Now, this is the wet kiss.
Stick out your tongue like me.
Did anybody hear anything?
Maybe one of the
animals got loose.
I'm going to go check.
Great, get us some donuts.
Apple spice.
Apple spice.
Little did know
that a starving, out-of-work
actor had broken into my house.
That Annie, she
doesn't know anything.
Now, you see this .
Let me show you something.
Ah, don't make a sound.
Are you listening to me, huh?
Now, do as I say.
Or I'll slit your
throat and let the blood
drip all over your nice nighty.
Now, when I take my hand
off your mouth, ha, ha,
I don't want you to scream.
I don't want you
to make a sound.
Then what I want you
to do-- I want you
to get some milk and cookies.
Then I can take my hand
off and don't make a sound.
OK, Butter or
Buster, who are you?
Johnny-- Johnny Robbins.
What are you doing here?
I just wanted something to eat.
I've been running all night.
You are scared.
Can I have something
to eat, please?
[purring sound].
(VOICEOVER) I had no choice but
to get him something to eat.
And I knew it had
to taste real good.
[music playing]
After I was nice enough
to meet his demands,
he dragged me into our stable.
First, he tried to seduce me.
Then he grabbed and kissed me.
He began tearing off my
clothes. [tearing sound]
He couldn't keep his rough
and calloused hands off me.
[tearing sounds]
Now that he had his cookies,
he decided he wanted the milk.
[music playing]
[sheep sound] Oh!
You're in me.
Oh, [sheep sounds] yes.
[sheep sound]
Oh, oh!
[snoring sounds] Yes!
[snoring sounds] Johnny?
Johnny, I'm not finished yet.
I want more.
He was a madman.
He was crazy.
He made me do it.
I had no other choice.
You poor baby.
Aw, come on, Annie, you can't
expect us to believe that.
Oh, yeah?
He left this behind.
Oh, you poor thing.
Oh, my god, I didn't realize.
What a horrifying experience.
That's terrible.
Come here.
That's really terrible.
I'm really glad to see
that you've got over that.
I've never heard
anything quite that bad.
How did you get over it?
Hey, my knife.
That Mary Lou was
amazing Bozo, that bod.
Ooh, I want her so bad.
She's not interested
in nobody, man.
What am I going to do?
I have been thinking
about this all day.
I got a great idea.
OK, I read somewhere if you want
a girl to go crazy about you.
You do it in her food.
And she eats it.
She'll be all over you, man.
We're talking instant nature.
I'm telling you just make
sure you get it in her food.
-All right.
-Make sure she eats it, man.
She'll be all over it.
All right, Melvin?
-All right, man.
Can you handle it, Melvin?
I know I can handle it, man.
Hey, there's Mary Lou.
And she's wearing that bikini.
Oh, those nipples.
She's going to eat it
just like I told you.
Just like I told you.
Any minute she'll
be heading our way.
Yep, Mary Lou is
thinking about eating it.
What the?
I don't know.
What's that fat slob doing.
She's eating it.
Butch is eating it.
[boing] Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Can't be.
Oh, no, 300 pounds.
I love you.
I want your body.
Do you have something to
tell us there, Howdy Doody?
Well, I guess so if
you're still interested.
Sure, we can going
to use a good nap.
Nap on this, Stub.
Well, my story begins
when I was much younger.
I had a very clear picture
of the girl of my dreams.
(VOICEOVER) Unfortunately,
she was only in the pages
of "Penthouse Magazine."
I guess my Danny must
be reading in bed again.
(VOICEOVER) My big opportunity
came when my brother Ted and I
went on vacation
down to the Caribbean
where I got to see him in action
with all those gorgeous girls.
(SINGING) Last night
just wasn't long enough.
The cops had to break
us up on the beach.
Well, how about this one?
You can see sleepover.
Ho, ho!
See you later
tonight, Iron Thighs.
I have to go do my nails.
I want to look good for
you all over my body.
You already do, baby.
She practically tore
your bathing suit off.
You think she was hot.
You should see her friend.
By the way, fixed you
up with her tonight.
A date for me?
Thanks, big brother.
Anything for you, pal.
Listen, tonight don't
embarrass me, OK?
So when you got this
chick in your room, right?
You start banging away at her.
Make sure she's really
screaming loud, all right?
Do I hurt her?
No, it's for the effect.
Just think about it.
You're in there banging away.
And she's screaming.
Your buddies are outside, OK?
You're screaming your name.
And you're going,
boy, that Danny.
He's hung like a horse.
Hey, you want another trick?
Always worked for me?
Take a big was of
toilet paper, right?
Shove it down your pants.
That way she'll see you--
a nice, big bulge down there.
She's got something
to work with.
You know what I mean?
You're going to have a
good time tonight, buddy.
[music playing]
Ho, ho, ho!
felt a strange heat on my back.
I turned around.
And there she was--
my dream girl.
She was even more
beautiful in person.
I thought I was dreaming.
But, no, it was true.
The girl from the
pages of "Penthouse"
was standing right
in front of me.
I was speechless.
I couldn't believe my eyes.
Before I could make
my move, she was gone.
[music playing]
when I thought I'd never
see her again, I turned around.
And there she was.
I didn't know if my eyes were
playing tricks on me or what.
So I had to tell my brother.
I said, Ted, Ted,
did you see that?
It's the girl on the
cover of "Penthouse."
She smiled at me.
He said--
Danny, I really think you've
been spending a little too
much time in the sun, pal.
maybe I had been out in the sun
too long.
Hey, boss, look!
The plane!
The plane!
Ted and I planned
to stick together that night.
He said teamwork was
the name of the game.
Yeah, teamwork.
[music playing]
The last time-- did you
see her on the beach today?
Would you stop messing
around with this magazine?
Look, just turn the centerfold.
Maybe you'll recognize
her from there.
These pages are
all stuck together.
What have you been
doing with this?
Now, listen, why don't you just
forget about girls in magazines
and start to think about the
real poontang coming over here
Gladys, yeah.
Tonight, buddy, you're
going to be a man.
All right, now
these girls are hot.
So we've got to be on our toes.
OK, let's make sure we
have everything set up.
Got the liquor?
Petroleum jelly?
Hey, Danny, tonight, it's just
you and me-- team inseparable.
Teddy, boy.
Hey, baby, you look
like a million bucks.
You're looking pretty good
tonight yourself, Iron Thighs.
Hey, who is this kid?
It's my little brother, Danny.
You remember him from the beach.
He's supposed to be
with Gladys tonight.
Where is she anyway?
Oh, I forgot to tell her.
I had important things to do.
I had to do my nails.
Hey, are we going to end
up babysitting tonight?
What is this?
No, he was just leaving.
Weren't you, Danny?
Beat it.
Here's your hat and your whip.
And here is a dollar.
Why don't you go out
and maybe see a movie
and sleep on the
beach tonight, buddy.
Thanks a lot.
I'll see you in the morning.
OK, Teddy, baby, let's party.
All right!
[music playing]
I've been waiting for you.
For me?
Your name is Danny isn't it?
How did you know?
Oh, just a lucky guess.
Have some champagne.
It's wonderful.
Here is too long nights
and deep emotions.
I'll drink to that.
They say if you
wish hard enough,
your dream can come true.
They do?
They say if a
dream can come true,
it'll change your life forever.
They do?
They say that falling
in love is wonderful.
They do?
Mona, you're kind of
special to me, you know?
Ah, oh.
I've never met anybody
like you before.
I really think I'm
falling in love with you.
Ted, we have the whole
night ahead of us.
I wouldn't want
you peak too soon.
How about another drink?
But you've already had seven.
Oh, come one, Danny,
you've been dreaming
about this for a long time.
But I don't understand.
I saw you on the beach today.
And then you disappeared.
And there's a fat
man in your chair.
And what are you
trying to do to me?
I'm going to do to you
exactly what you want me to.
[music playing]
Oh, Mona.
Oh, stop!
I don't even know any
important thing about you.
I mean, for example,
what's your sign?
I'm Taurus-- the bull.
[punch sound]
I mean, like where
do you go to school.
What does your father do?
He's a plumber or something.
Who cares?
Well, it's just
that I like to get
to know my man a little
bit better before I take
them to that special place.
What's your name again?
[music playing]
Danny, your bulge.
Danny, you don't
have to impress me.
Then it happened just
like my brother said it would.
I didn't know if I could live
up to my brother's standards.
I'm going to porkyou, you bitch.
Ted's girl, Mona, screaming,
I knew Ted had
things under control.
[punch sound]
Oh, Teddy, I'm so sorry.
Let me rub it for you.
Maybe I can make it feel better.
No, no, get out of here.
Just leave me alone.
Well, thanks for
the lovely evening.
[music playing]
I had matters well in hand.
Ted would have been proud of me.
I was so excited.
I didn't even notice
that Mona walked in.
You'd think a lover like Ted
would be enough for any girl.
But Mona still wasn't satisfied.
OK, Danny boy, let's party.
taught me how to have an orgy.
That's the most ridiculous
thing I've ever heard.
I don't care what
you think, douche bag.
It happened just that way.
We have been stuck
in here all day.
What if they can't find us?
What if they are not
even looking for us?
We've just got to
trust them, Annie.
They'll find us.
I think there's something
terribly wrong here.
Has he had an allergy attack?
Gee, Mr. Zitzler,
have you heard anything
about Danny and the others yet?
No, as a matter off
act, we have not.
Now, it's time for
your dip, Dippy.
Danny and the others.
Danny and the others?
Danny and the others--
it's a rock group coming
into to entertain our campers.
Oh, you're interested
in rocks, Mrs. Anderson.
Why didn't you just tell
me in the first place?
I've got a rock collection
you'd love to see.
Well, I guess it's time
for the moment of truth.
When is the first
time Miss Nature
Teacher got her pubes parted?
What is the matter with you?
You have a one-track mind.
Why don't you just grow up?
Oh, Miss Maturity, what makes
you better than everyone else?
We all told about the
first time we got laid.
What are you so afraid of?
All right, I'll tell you.
I am proud of my
relationship with Dwayne.
It was perfect.
He was everything
a girl could want.
What a hunk.
What a man.
Even as far back as
junior high school,
Dwayne and I innocently
explored the mysteries
of coming adulthood.
Oh, my, oh my,oh my, I think we
have a definite problem here.
Are you sure this was
your homework assignment?
Of course, I'm sure.
What do you think?
Oh, no, the nurse has a boo boo.
And you know what else, nurse?
The doctor has a boo boo too.
Kiss it and make
it better, please.
OK, the nurse will now
kiss the doctor's boo boo.
The nurse that kisses his
boo boo to make it better
is going to cost $25.
Do you have Blue
Cross or Blue Shield.
Hi mom and dad!
Is everything
all right, Dwayne?
(VOICEOVER): Mom and dad
were crazy about
Dewayne and invited him
over once a week for dinner.
He and dad saw
eye-to-eye on everything.
Well, Dwayne, my boy, have you
registered for the draft yet?
No, have you?
Why son, years
ago I did my duty.
You did your duty?
Well, why don't you flush it?
Right, Michelle?
Besides, I don't
think they should
waste the cream of American
youth such as myself.
Right, Michelle?
Ah, very sensible.
Do you like meat, Dwayne?
I love meat, Mrs. Richards.
Right, Michelle?
[gluttonous sounds]
Lucy, isn't it wonderful that
a fine, upstanding young man
like Dwayne has
taken an interest
in our little Michelle?
Oh, Desi, we're so lucky.
A special
announcement, everybody.
Dwayne is taking me to the prom!
That's marvellous.
I couldn't be happier.
Thank you, daddy.
Dwayne, you better take
care of my little girl.
Oh, I'll take care of
her, Mr. Richards, sir.
Right, Michelle?
right then and there that
I felt the first stirrings
of youthful passion.
And I knew it wouldn't be long
before the earth moved for me.
I decided that Dewayne
would be my first.
Then came the night
of the junior prom.
Dwayne was so romantic.
Afterwards, he
took me to a disco.
See that was a
great prom, Dwayne.
Don't eat that.
Yeah, I'm sorry I threw up
in your punch though Michelle.
You did?
I get it.
You want to dance.
[music playing]
(VOICEOVER): Just when
I thought Dwayne was about to
make the earth move for me,
she appeared.
[music playing]
I was crushed.
I couldn't imagine
what he saw in her.
What about me?
(VOICEOVER): I never
felt so lonely in all my life.
Then I saw him across
the crowded room.
And I knew there could
be life after Dwayne.
[music playing]
I felt like I was
floating on a cloud.
I knew in a flash that he
was twice the man Dwyane was.
He grabbed me and kissed me.
I felt like a bow of
quivering jello in his arms.
He came close to me and
whispered something in my ears.
Let's go.
(VOICEOVER): I guess
I must have misunderstood.
I thought he said balling.
What he really said
was, "Let's go bowling."
So we went bowling.
He picked just the right spot.
Oh, it wasn't exactly
lover's lane, but for $0.75,
shoes included,
what do you expect?
Well how do you
like the date so far?
:By the end of the evening,
I could see that the only
thing he had on his mind
was scoring up my alley.
The date was a strength
for him got a call for me.
Well, the earth
didn't move for me,
but I suppose it
could've been worse.
Yeah, you could have got
your twat twizzled by Dwayne.
Stinky, you're now a member
of our traditional circle jerk.
You know, guys,
I'm really touched
you let me take part in this.
It's really the
climax of my summer.
Ah, that's OK, Stink.
We feel you have
what it takes to take
part in our sacred event.
This is a very select group
you're entering, Stinky.
You're a member of that.
And here are the rules.
All lights must be turned off.
The first person to
reach climatic finality
is the honorary chairman of
the Eagles for next summer.
Stop joking and start stroking.
How you doing Stinky?
STINKY: I'm doing OK.
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah ah, ah ah ah!
I'm first!
I'm first.
I'm champion.
It's so cute.
What wrist action.
I always knew you could
handle yourself in a crowd.
The lantern is flickering.
There must be a breeze.
It's a passage.
They must have
begun to dig us out!
We're in here!
Oh, I believe I was incorrect
in my original analysis.
Well, the fact that the
lantern is burning at a clearly
diminished level
indicates that there
is no longer sufficient
oxygen to support burning.
I have a headache.
Yes, Annie, your
headache is clear
indication that the car
bondioxide level has reached
the point where breathing
becomes imperative
and asphyxiation sets in.
You mean like suffocating?
You mean there's no
more oxygen to breath?
Calm down.
Calm down.
I'm sure that help
is on the way.
They are probably close
enough to hear us.
We're stuck in a cave.
go down on French poodles.
I am sure.
Oh, are we on?
Attention campers, meet
your parents like in front
of the grody mess hall, OK?
We drove all the way up here.
Mom, I won the circle jerk.
That's my boy, ho, ho, no!
Where's my Danny?
Excuse me.
Have you seen my Danny?
Attention parents,
go to the totally
tubular arts and crafts
show where like
children's exhibits
are on display, ha, whoa.
Now parents, look
at the subtlety
of these curving lines.
The smooth yet rugged
texture of the pieces
speaks eloquently of the
thrusting and parrying
techniques that your very
talented children have utilized
in order to put together these
beautiful, marvelous works
of art.
[music playing]
WOMAN: Oh, my god, it's
bigger than yours, Harold.
Oh, no, the lantern went out.
Michelle is right.
We're running out of air.
Everybody down on the ground.
There's more air on the ground.
This is ridiculous.
Michelle, will you just
get down and breathe please?
Just get down and breathe!
All right.
I can't breathe.
I can't help it.
I can't help it.
We got to get out of here.
This can't happen.
We just got to get out of here.
I can't deal with this.
We got to get out of here!
Oh, shit, I'm 17.
I'm going to die.
And I've never been laid.
There was no hooker.
I made the whole thing up.
Shit, I don't even know
how to talk to a girl.
Me neither.
I mean, I've never
made it either.
There was no dream girl.
And there was no
man with a knife.
I made it up.
I'm going to die a virgin.
Well, I guess there was
no Barbara Billington.
Well, I mean there really
was a Barbara Billington.
But she was just a
waitress I had a crush
at the local Dunkin' Donuts.
I'm going to die a virgin.
Well, let's not
dwell on the past.
I mean, I've always believed
that if you live fully
in the moment and lived
by the laws of nature,
then if death comes to
take you before your time,
you'll be part of nature.
Oh, what the fuck are you
talking about, Michelle.
You're always talking
this bullshit.
For once in yourlife, can't you just
talk like a normal human being?
HENRY: Come on, Mitch.
Hey, you want to hear this
shit she's always dealing out?
Well, I dont' know, Mitch.
You got to think
about nature now.
I mean, it's one thing if
an eighty-year-old woman
gets killed by a bus.
It's another thing
if a kid dies before.
I just think that really sucks.
Fuck you, Henry.
You're just as bad as she is.
What is this
philosophy bullshit?
You all are just scared.
I'm not fucking scared.
God damn it.
I'm going to die a virgin.
Why don't you just cut
out the tough guy routine.
You're just as scared as we are.
Oh, Michelle, you've always
had it in for me-- always.
Yeah, come on.
Get it out now.
I always like you.
I've always liked you.
I've always admired you.
You know the way the
little kids look up to you.
They see you as a role model.
I've always wished I
could be closer to you.
I think we should all be
spending these last few moments
being closest to the fighting.
I'm going to die a virgin.
[music playing]
We're are all part of nature's
constant state of flux.
I ever get out of here.
I'll never eat junk food again.
fever get out of here,
I'll change my subscription
from "Penthouse"
to "National Geographic."
I promise.
want to die a virgin.
This fucking cave sucks.
[music playing]
The earth is moving.
The earth is moving.
Oh, yeah!
Gee that was nice.
[music playing]
Mr. Zitzler, you're in such
a rush to sell this camp,
I got it think it over.
It's late.
I'll call you, Mr. Zitzler,
I'll call you.
Please, Mr. Costolo,
please, buy my camp.
You've got to buy my camp.
I've got to sell this camp.
That damned innocent kid.
I don't have any insurance.
What am I going to do?
I see you, Mr. Zitzler.
Where is my Danny?
I'm sick and tired of
all this double talk.
All the other parents
have found their children.
Where's my Danny?
Why, Mrs. Anderson, I
was just looking for you.
My Danny boy is lost.
He's gone.
I can't find him anywhere.
Mrs. Anderson, now, please
get a hold of yourself.
It becomes very
unsteady on this dock.
What kind of a dump is this?
What in the world is that?
Mr. Zitzler, I couldn't
find Danny's body
in this part of the lake.
Danny's body.
Danny's body?
Danny's body?
Danny's body!
Mrs. Anderson, don't move.
I'll get a lifeguard.
It'll take about 10 minutes.
These life guard
costs are killing me.
I'll do it myself.
This way.
Go this way.
[music playing]
Mr. Zitlzler,
you saved my life.
Yeah, I do hope Danny
will be all right.
Oh, Danny is all right.
Danny is insured.
You have insurance?
Oh, Mrs. Anderson.
What happened?
I don't know.
Hey do you guys smell anything?
I think it's fresh air.
Look, I see daylight.
There's light coming in.
Oh, my god.
You're not kidding, light.
Get out of here.
All right.
What a fucking day.
[music playing]
I feel different.
NARRATOR: Manny Anderson is no
wacting in pornographic films
under the name of Dicky Long.
He has delighted
millions of moviegoers
with his unique bulge.
Good, how you doing, huh?
Listen, listen,
don't call me Stud.
Call me Mitch, OK.
NARRATOR: Mitch became
a priest and opened
a parish in San Francisco.
He is now a spokesman for gay
rights for the celibate clergy.
NARRATOR: Henry Putz
works for the American
Cheese Manufacturers Association
as commissioner of natural gas.
They are all yours, kid.
NARRATOR: After eightun
successful marriages
and the cancellation of her
Bloomingdales credit card,
Annie Goldberg suffereda
nervous breakdown
and became a vegetable.
She is now living
quietly in Columbus, Ohio
as a Brussels sprout.
Michelle Farmer pursued
her interest in nature
and now heads up the
government's program
for wildlife preservation.
And fly.
Fly away!
Fly away little fish.
[music playing]