The Fitzroy (2017) Movie Script
1
(HAMMER CLANGING)
Wake up!
I said wake up you good for nothings.
Wake up and get out!
We're doomed!
BERNARD: Every bleedin' morning.
MR. THOMPSON: We're all gonna die!
BERNARD: Very cheery.
- Doomed!
- Morning Doctor.
- Is it?
- Lovely day.
DR. LEWIS: We'll see.
(CHEERFUL MUSIC)
MR. THOMPSON: (GRUNTS)
A life of misery!
Doomed!
Doomed!
Shut up!
I'm going to kill you!
Please Captain.
- You're all going to die!
- I'll talk to him.
Every bloody morning it's the same.
My poor Henrietta can't
get any bloody sleep.
Please Captain, let me talk to him.
MR. THOMPSON: We're all gonna die.
(GRUNTS)
I think this one is dog food.
Dog food.
Meat.
MR. THOMPSON: Things will end in death.
Mr. Thompson, please open the door.
Please Mr. Thompson can
you try to keep it down
for the sake of the other guests.
Doomed!
(HIGH PITCHED BUZZING)
We had a name in the
army for people like you.
Cannon fodder.
I tried.
I know you try.
Why don't you try being less weak.
And this is stewed prunes.
(GROANS)
Never any meat, always prunes.
(CHEERFUL MUSIC)
(GASPS)
(MOANS)
(CANS CLATTERING)
(RADAR BEEPING)
(BIRD CAWING)
(CHEERFUL MUSIC)
Doomed!
(CHEERFUL MUSIC)
(CAMERA CLICKING)
(CHEERFUL MUSIC)
(DISTANT CHEERFUL MUSIC)
(CHEERFUL MUSIC)
(ELECTRICITY BUZZING)
(DISTANT FANFARE MUSIC)
(WAVES CRASHING)
(MUFFLED CHATTER)
(CHEERFUL MUSIC)
(BELL DINGING)
(PHONE RINGING)
For crying out loud.
(PHONE RINGING)
Whatever it is we ain't buying.
(MUFFLED SHOUTING)
(GROANING)
No no, no we're not selling anything.
(MUFFLED CHATTER)
Who are ya?
I said we'd like a room.
You're not making no sense.
Give it here dear.
We're the Fishers and we'd like a room.
A room.
Guests?
Guests!
(MUFFLED SHOUTING)
(GROANING)
Just wait a moment please,
we'll be right with you.
Bernard!
Bernard!
Bernard!
(CANE TAPPING)
Bernard!
(SNORING)
Bernard!
Bernard.
- MEN TOGETHER: Bernard!
- Bernard!
MR. THOMPSON: Bernard!
(GASPS) Mommy?
Mommy?
I'm not your mommy.
Guests!
Guests?
MILDRED: Bernard!
(CHEERFUL MUSIC)
BERNARD: I'm coming.
- There's no room.
- I'm on it.
Bernard!
Hurry up you lazy sod.
They'll be dead by the time you get there.
Ahoy there!
MRS. FISHER: Oh dear.
(PAN CLANGING)
Curries.
We've got guests.
Guests?
One moment be right there.
Look, a boat man.
Boat man.
No, no don't look over there.
Damn it.
She's seen them.
Not again.
Please do not panic.
Our bellboy will be right with you.
(GROANING)
Yoo hoo!
Back on the boat sir,
don't worry about her.
Mind yourselves in the boat now.
Stay back.
Mean boat man!
You know what Cecil
said you have to stay here
until you can behave.
Bad boat man, you bad.
(GRUNTS)
I'll be good.
Please take me.
I'm sorry.
(SCREAMING)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
(GAS PUMPING)
(GAS HISSING)
Welcome to The Fitzroy.
You can take your gas masks off now.
I'm Bernard, pleased to meet you.
And you are?
Mr. S. Fisher from London.
We're on our honeymoon,
aren't we schnookums.
That's right sweet pea.
(LAUGHS)
You haven't had many guests?
No, not since the uh, event.
We have a fair few
permanent guests though.
They keep us ticking over.
Three nights in the Honeymoon Suite.
That'll be, six ounces.
I presume Darjeeling will be adequate.
Wonderful.
(LAUGHING)
Darjeeling for my darling (LAUGHS).
Ooh that's nice.
Ain't that nice Bernard?
Yeah.
Is there much to do round here?
Well you've got the beach.
Bit cold this time of year but still nice.
Just stay away from the sewage outlet.
No, I meant entertainment.
Theater, excitement.
Oh no, it's the off-season.
I don't know what he's talking about.
Staff.
Of course there's entertainment.
Why just tomorrow night
we have our annual um,
annual uh...
Big talent show.
Yes, big talent show (LAUGHS).
We do?
We do.
Of course there's a small ticket price.
Your room is down the corridor,
Bernard will bring your bags.
No sea view but uh, you can sure hear it.
(LAUGHING)
And this is your room.
Finest in the hotel.
No, no, no, this, this will not do.
It's the best we've got.
I'm sure we'll be fine dear.
As long as I have you I'll be happy.
Oh.
(RAT THUDS)
(PEACEFUL MUSIC)
Um (CLEARS THROAT), sorry,
we just need a little bit more light.
There we go, much better.
(RAIL CLANGS)
Right well, I'll get that.
Doesn't really match the ambience anyway.
I'll get you a new one.
Uh.
Just get by.
Yeah.
MRS. FISHER: Excuse me.
(GROANING)
(SCREAMING)
- I am so...
- You idiot!
- I'm sorry.
- Get out.
I'm sorry.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
(WOOD KNOCKING)
Yes?
Rent.
Always after your pound
of flesh aren't you?
Rent or the beach room.
Hmm.
Precisely.
Precisely.
(GRUNTS)
MR. FISHER: Just get
out and leave us alone.
So sorry about that, I'll
get you some ice for it okay.
CAPTAIN: Bernard, take the washing.
We'll need it for the talent show.
(CHEERFUL MUSIC)
(PEACEFUL MUSIC)
(HUMMING)
(CLEARS THROAT)
(WHIMPERING)
What do you think you're doing?
I'm, just collecting the empties.
You stay well away from her.
She's too special for the likes of you.
Just make sure our guests are comfortable.
What is all the racket about boys?
Sonya.
Nothing.
Just having a little chat,
isn't that right Bernard.
Yeah, that's right.
Hi Sonya.
Hello Bernard.
We have a talent show tomorrow night,
for the new guests.
You should perform.
Oh, I don't know.
It's been too long, ain't it?
I suppose so.
But you've got a beautiful voice.
Isn't this lovely?
Bernard, isn't there a toilet
that needs unblocking or something?
Yeah.
Bye Sonya.
Bye Bernard.
What an idiot.
SONYA: He ain't so bad.
Your rent is overdue.
(SIGHS)
(LAUGHING)
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC)
Don't worry dear, it never
works out in the beginning.
Mrs. Ellis, you scared me half to.
I mean I didn't see you there.
Of course you didn't,
you weren't looking at me.
It's just she's so...
I do need the help of a
strong young man though.
Who me?
Oh, it is nice to have a
honeymoon couple on board
isn't it Bernard?
Yeah.
I was in love once.
Those were the days.
Have you ever been in love Bernard?
Um.
I think so.
You think so?
What kind of an answer's that?
Mrs. Ellis, what was it
you wanted me to look at?
Oh it's Tweety, he's gone all quiet.
Well let's see what's up with him.
Hello Tweety.
What's wrong little fella?
(WHIMSICAL MUSIC)
I think he's moved on Mrs. Ellis.
He's flown away?
No, no.
He's dead.
Why didn't you bleedin'
say so, scaring me like that.
Poor Tweety.
He was fine a few minutes
ago, happily tweeting away.
How long ago?
Oh, just a few minutes ago.
Leak.
Leak.
(CHEERFUL MUSIC)
(FLAME CRACKLES)
(GAS HISSING)
Rust!
(INHALES)
(CHEERFUL MUSIC)
(SPUTTERS)
(PANTING)
Sorry old girl.
You had a leak Mrs. Ellis.
Really?
Poor Tweety.
(PAN SIZZLING)
I've patched it up for now,
but stay away from it until
I do a better job, okay?
Hmm.
Mrs. Ellis, just get some rest okay.
Oh, thank you Bernard.
And Bernard, some birds
weren't meant to be caged.
If you want to win her heart,
you need to set her free.
Alright there Tweety?
(DISTANT JAZZ MUSIC)
Inside your dreams
Those gray skies I will love
Free.
If the heavens rain down upon us
We'll just admire the pretty colors
A toast to us both
(GROANING)
And as my voice spins round the record
Like my head around my heart
I'm in my part all on my own
Singing for you
Goodnight.
(LIGHT CLICKS)
(ALARM RINGING)
(GRUNTS)
(HAMMER BANGING)
Get out!
Doomed!
I hate that man!
(GASPS)
And where have you been all night?
Good morning.
You're late again.
Lots to do.
(CHEERFUL MUSIC)
MR. THOMPSON: Doomed!
You dirty little civvy.
Good morning Captain.
What's good about it?
It's a new day, anything can happen.
No it can't.
I can't grow a second bladder can I?
MR. THOMPSON: Doomed!
Shut up you old fool.
Eh um.
Morning.
Breakfast?
No thanks, we're gonna be heading out.
We're going to have
a picnic on the beach.
- Sounds lovely.
- Doomed to die!
Please Mr. Thompson we have guests.
MR. THOMPSON: They're gonna die.
You sure you don't want breakfast?
No.
CAPTAIN: I'll have theirs.
You can have yours in a minute Captain.
- Jumped up young brats.
- Let's go.
Yes please.
Doomed.
Coo-hoo, hello!
(HEAVY BREATHING)
Hmm.
Hmm.
(SIGHS)
(LIGHTS BUZZING)
(WATER DRIPS)
(SIGHS)
(PEACEFUL MUSIC)
(CLAPPING)
MRS. ELLIS: Wonderful.
Just mopping.
He is good isn't he?
He is rather.
Oh reminds me of my younger days.
If only I were your age.
La la la, da da da
(LAUGHS)
I don't pay you to dance twinkle toes.
You don't pay me at all.
Leave him alone, it was nice.
Be quiet, sweet cheeks.
(SCREAMS)
Leave her alone.
What?
(SOBBING)
Precisely.
(SOBBING)
Women (LAUGHS).
(PANTING)
Oh.
New couple, I'm good now.
I'm good.
No touching.
(MUFFLED CHATTER)
Go.
(SIGHS)
Come on.
You can do this.
I can't.
Come on Bernard.
Come on, dear god.
(DOOR KNOCKING)
SONYA: What is it?
Bernard?
I thought um.
I mean, I was worried.
Would you like to come in?
(PEACEFUL MUSIC)
I'm, I'm sorry about Cecil.
Oh, please don't apologize for him.
Sorry.
I just wish I could do
something, you know, but.
Well maybe you could.
No, I couldn't.
I'm not strong enough and
besides it's not my place.
I mean, he's my boss.
Come.
Sit by me.
(PEACEFUL MUSIC)
I um.
- Someone should...
- So.
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
- What were you...
- You go first.
Please go ahead.
I was just gonna ask
if you'd change your mind
about performing at the talent show?
Those days, they're in the past.
But you've got such a wonderful voice.
Sorry.
What were you gonna say?
Oh it was nothing really.
Please.
Well, it's just.
You should be running
the hotel, not Cecil.
Me, running the hotel?
Well you do all the
hard work around here.
And you're the one that keeps
this place ticking over.
What about checking in the guests?
Doing the books, the accounts,
collecting the rent, not to...
Shh.
You could collect the rent.
No, I.
Sure you could.
If you had a partner.
Partner?
A business partner.
A co-owner.
A lover.
Or whatever you wanna call me.
Oh Bernard, all you would
have to do is get rid of him.
It would be so easy.
I mean accidents happen
all the time right.
And then, you would
have everything Bernard.
You'd have the hotel.
You'd have me.
Oh Bernard, you would save us both.
(GASPS)
Murder.
You're talking about murder.
Yes of course, murder.
Murder.
Murder.
You just say it like it's nothing.
Would you keep your voice down.
No, I could never do it.
Bernard, think about it.
Think about everything you could have.
It's wrong.
I couldn't.
Bernard.
Take the empties.
(PEACEFUL MUSIC)
(HEAVY BREATHING)
(GASPS)
(BELL DINGS)
Hell guv'nor.
What can I do for you?
(GRUNTS)
Mercy me, bed for the night.
Not good, not good.
(BRUSH SCRUBBING)
How many times do I have to tell you?
The walls in my room are too thin.
I can hear the fish swimming in my ear.
Mr. Thompson they're fine.
I've checked them,
they're the same thickness
as the rest of the hotel.
They're too thin.
(PHONE RINGING)
They must be done for the day.
I'm coming.
(MUFFLED CHATTER)
Hmm, what?
Who's this?
We're doomed!
According to official
reports we're too die.
(MUFFLED CHATTER)
Beware before it's too late.
(CHEERFUL MUSIC)
Good morning sir.
What?
No wait, you're on the wrong side.
I'm on the right side.
You need to be on the other side.
There's only one side.
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
You're the customer see.
You can't be on that side.
Don't tell me what to do.
I'm not telling you what to do
but I can only serve you
if you're on this side.
Oh, fine.
Happy?
There, that's better.
What can I do for you sir?
You're on the wrong side.
Huh?
Now you're on the wrong side.
Oh god.
Hello sir, what can I do for you?
I'd like a room for two nights.
Your most average.
We've only average left sir.
Name?
Inspector.
Inspector?
The Inspector from the Council.
Here to inspect the hotel,
make sure it meets regulation.
We're regular sir.
It's anchored, not going nowhere.
How many guests do you have?
Two.
Two?
Yes but 13 permanent guests.
No wait 12.
Chris died last week, broken air filter.
I mean old age, he died a
peaceful death of broken old age.
12 guests?
That's quite a little earner.
Tell me about the hotel.
Well The Fitzroy of course
used to be a regular hotel
up on the promenade.
Then after the event, the
sub just popped straight up.
I loved her the moment I saw her.
Took for ages to get
the contents on board.
Oh.
Lost a ship trying to
get the bathtubs across.
There are drawbacks to having
a hotel in a submarine.
We could sink at any time.
But it's okay though.
Oh.
I used to clean a lot
of windows, not anymore.
So that's pretty much all
there is to the Fitzroy.
Bernard, you idiot.
What are you doing here?
Shouldn't you be fixing
something on this rust bucket?
Or attending to our guests.
- This is the...
- We told you to smooch them.
You can't do that down here can you?
Wow them.
Takers remember.
This is The Inspector.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
Madam.
The owner, I presume.
The Hotel Inspector.
From the Council.
Inspector, how nice for you to visit.
Yes I am the owner, co-owner really.
(LAUGHS) Sorry about before.
I get so passionate about good service.
Passion is what separates
us from the animals.
That's what I always say.
Ain't that what I always say Bernard.
Um, yes.
Why don't I show you
to your room Inspector.
Room 24, it's on the left.
Thank you Bernard, I know.
Follow me Inspector.
Have you traveled far?
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
(KNIFE SCRAPING)
(GASPS)
Hello Bernard.
You scared me.
We have an Inspect...
I hear you went into room 23.
I was, collecting empties.
Don't lie to me.
I know why you went in there.
Ah shit.
You okay?
- Wrap this around...
- Get off.
Let me look at it.
It's fine.
It's fine.
Just stay away from her.
You hear me.
(CANS CLATTERING)
And tidy those up.
Stay away from her.
Tidy those up.
No.
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
Oh.
(CYMBALS CLASH)
Get up.
Blasted minstrels.
(METAL SCRAPING)
Hmm.
Loose pipe.
Ah.
Loose pipe.
(METAL SQUEAKING)
Uh huh.
Hmm-mm.
Huh.
(GAS HISSING)
(GASPS)
(GASPS)
(METAL SQUEAKING)
(SIGHS)
(TUTS)
No.
No.
What are you writing down?
Notes.
The structural integrity of the hotel
is very important to the report.
She's as solid as the day she was built.
(WALLS TAPPING)
(METAL CREAKING)
Stop writing things down.
It is part of the report.
Either the hotel is stable or it is not.
I myself will be the judge.
And may I suggest that
you do not antagonize me.
Or need I remind you I have
the full support of the Council
and all the power that that entails.
(PEACEFUL MUSIC)
Ooh, hello boys.
Don't let me interrupt.
Who's your new friend Bernard?
It's The Inspector.
The Hotel Inspector, from the Council.
What a pleasure it is, Mrs.?
- Miss.
- Miss.
Sonya Beatrice.
How wonderful it is to have
a man of power around here.
Have you seen to my
proposition yet Bernard?
Um, a bit.
Well see that you do.
Well I must be getting along now.
It's my bath time Inspector.
I do hope we'll be seeing
more of you around.
I'm watching you.
Brian.
- Bernard.
- Bernard, whatever.
I'm keeping a close on you, hmm.
(SNIFFS)
(PEACEFUL MUSIC)
BERNARD: Hello Sonya.
SONYA: Come to wash me Bernard?
BERNARD: What was all that about?
He doesn't know we're
talking about murder.
Stop using that word.
He's an Inspector, he can
sniff these things out.
Oh don't you see, that plays
into our hands, it's perfect.
Look we only have to kill one person.
Kill Cecil and make it
look like Mildred did it.
She has enough motives.
The Inspector arrests her
and with them both gone
the hotel goes to you.
What?
Goes to me?
Why?
Chain of command.
This is a submarine as
well as a hotel right?
Well yeah.
And what happens when the Captain dies?
The First Officer takes command.
And if there is no First Officer?
Then the next in command.
Right.
The bellboy.
Takes command.
The chain of command.
Exactly.
(PEACEFUL MUSIC)
Chain of command.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Right.
(METAL TAPPING)
(TRUMPET BLARING)
(METAL SQUEAKING)
(CHEERFUL MUSIC)
(GAS HISSING)
(METAL SQUEAKING)
(PIPE SQUEAKING)
(GAS HISSING)
(GROANING)
(METAL CREAKING)
Mr. Thompson are you okay?
Don't move.
(PIPE RATTLING)
Leak!
- Mine.
- Mine.
- Mine.
- Mine.
Excuse me.
Fix it Bernard.
BERNARD: It's all under control.
What's all this blasted racket about?
Leak!
Ah.
Abandon ship.
(GROANING)
(KEYS RATTLING)
(ALARM BLARING)
What's going on here?
Inspector, no need to panic.
Routine maintenance.
Who's this ponce?
- Ponce?
- He's The Inspector.
The Hotel Inspector from the Council.
I thought I heard someone shout leak.
Hotel inspector?
Leak, no.
(LAUGHS) Oh, leak,
no, no, of course not.
Not in our hotel.
It's as my dear wife says,
it's just maintenance.
We've sprung a leak.
Everyone abandon ship!
Mr. Thompson.
Oh dear oh dear.
Don't worry Mr. Thompson.
I'll soon fix it Mr. Thompson.
Nothing to worry about.
Just stay there.
Come on Mr. Thompson,
let's get you out of here.
Come on.
(GROANING)
Mr. Thompson.
(ALARM BLARING)
(INHALES)
(GROANING)
Get off me you idiot!
Brr, you.
Going to sink
You're going to sink
You're going to sink
You're going to below
How do I look dear?
MRS. FISHER: Fine dear.
Dine.
It better be good, this talent show.
(GLASS SMASHES)
Great.
Seven years bad luck.
It is junk this hotel.
You're junk.
Sorry dear.
Nothing dear.
(DISTANT GROANING)
Oh, will you stop pushing.
I don't want him in here.
He smells of old sausage meat.
How the hell do you remember
what sausage meat smells like?
I said old sausage meat.
(GROANING)
Just get in there.
Mildred says he has to stay with you
or he's out on the beach.
Fine by me.
I'd rather be dead,
than live with this jumped up sailor.
I sir, am a Captain.
Ah and you think I'm mad.
Just get in there!
(GROANING)
CAPTAIN: Don't touch anything.
And keep your hands off anything.
Honestly.
Thank you.
Ah.
Program sir?
MR. FISHER: Thank you.
I'll add it to your tab.
(GROANING)
Welcome one and all to
The Fitzroy Big Talent Show.
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
Let the show begin.
A note to Tweety.
Oh dear.
Where once bright
chirrups chirped and cried.
And lovebirds tweeted side by side.
Now my dear departed dance and fly
with the dead.
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
PUPPET: Hello Dr. Lewis how are you?
Well I'm great thank you, how are you?
I'm great, how's the family?
(CHICKEN CLUCKS)
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
Life's not times fool.
No rosy lips and cheeks.
Life all does not with one we weep.
But bears it even until the edge of doom!
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
You're still a star.
I told you never to mention Elsie.
Now you must be punished.
Oh please no.
DR. ELLIS: Yes.
No, no please no, not my head.
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
Get.
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
Oh.
(SIGHS)
Well, that's it folks.
- So good.
- Great.
(CLAPPING)
(GROANING)
I'm sorry that there are no more acts.
MR. FISHER: Thank God for that.
Don't you think you're past it?
Cecil, let her sing.
You'll regret this.
(GRUNTS)
(PEACEFUL MUSIC)
I could have followed my
dear babooshka's last words
To find a good man who
could keep from my purse
If life was soft inside
a cell of victory
But popcorn girl or
seamstress I'd have been
But
I was entranced by lesser of evils
Cabaret and pay to see me as you may
A note from me to show a little skirt
For I have played the femme fatale
Lulu, Nano, I know them all
But underneath this grand facade
Is a little girl who
needs a cradling arm
And an open heart look
to help her on her path
Of this lifetime of trying
Of trying to achieve
Impossible dreams
(PEACEFUL MUSIC)
If by happenstance I
meet a man of power
I'd recommend he steal
the moon of the earth
Or else my tears are really
going to drown us all
Just grant my wish
I'll be your girl to show
I promise I will wash
my mouth with soap
I'd rather be a mop than mope
'Cause rescue me and
open up this can of worms
For I have played the femme fatale
Lulu, Nano, I know them all
But underneath this grand facade
Is a little girl who
needs a cradling arm
And an open heart look
to help her on her path
Of this lifetime of trying
Of trying to achieve
Impossible dreams
(SOBBING)
Thank god that's over.
CAPTAIN: Well that was
a complete waste of time.
Mine was the best by far.
MR. THOMPSON: Your
chicken was a better dancer.
CAPTAIN: Stop touching her.
MR. FISHER: Darling we'll leave
first thing in the morning.
MRS. FISHER: Bit late now,
normally you're premature
but not this time.
This is the worst, most depressing hotel
you've ever taken me too.
Not the best night, hey old girl.
Night everyone.
CECIL: What do you
think you're playing at?
Always making a show of yourself.
SONYA: You don't own me.
CECIL: I told you not to sing.
I'll sing if I want.
(SCREAMS)
(SOBBING)
CECIL: Please, stop your crying.
(SOBBING)
(PANTING)
(DOOR SLAMS)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
You leave her alone.
Sorry.
- No, no.
- What did you say?
I said you, you leave her alone,
you stinking bag of manure.
So, the womb has the turned.
No Cecil don't.
He didn't mean it.
Yes I do.
You're a bully and you don't deserve her.
I'll show you deserve.
You little rat.
(GROANING)
Don't do that.
No stop it, please, stop.
I'm gonna hurt you.
You ungrateful luggage monkey.
I'm a bellhop.
Cecil please just leave.
You shut up.
(SCREAMS)
Leave her alone.
(GROANING)
Get off him.
Stop, no.
(GROANING)
(MOANING)
(COUGHING)
(PANTING)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
(GROANING)
(GASPS)
What happened?
You, you've been stabbed.
In me.
How could you?
BERNARD: What have you done?
Me?
You pushed him.
You stabbed him.
It was an accident.
It wasn't an accident.
It's fine.
It clearly is not fine.
CECIL: Help me.
Oh god, what are we gonna do?
It's okay, I have it all figured out.
No you don't.
He's not even dead yet.
(COUGHING)
(GROANS)
Right, now he's dead.
What about The Inspector?
(SOBBING)
Oh no.
Bernard, I couldn't take it anymore.
What else could I do?
It's okay, we'll sort it out.
We'll be, I don't know, we'll.
We'll do what you said.
We'll blame it on Mildred.
But he's in my room.
(GROANING)
No, it's no good.
Okay um, here's what happened.
Cecil is sleeping her
after an argument with you.
Mildred furious that Cecil
has been sleeping with you.
Oh and flaunting it in
front of everyone at the show.
Yep and, and that.
Um, sneaks out and stabs him in the chest.
With my letter opener?
Right.
One second then.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
Ow.
(BLOOD SQUELCHING)
(GROANING)
You're a genius.
Well.
Do you love me Bernard?
Yes.
And you'll treat me kind?
Yes I will.
(GROANING)
CECIL: I'm alright.
(GROANS)
(PEACEFUL MUSIC)
(PANTING)
Oh Bernard.
Oh hello big boy.
(HUMMING)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
(CYMBAL CRASHING)
(SCREAMS)
Cha cha ha
(GROANING)
That's mine.
MILDRED: Bernard!
BERNARD: Murder.
CECIL: Bernard get the bags.
BERNARD: You're talking about murder.
Boat man (SCREAMING).
Help me, somebody help me.
(LAUGHING)
THE INSPECTOR: Stay away from us.
(PANTING)
They'll be finding him soon.
Do you really think The Inspector
will believe it was Mildred?
I hope so.
Not that she's smart.
I mean there's no real evidence.
We all have as much
motive as her if not more.
He has to believe it.
What if she can talk him round?
She seems to have a knack for authority.
Well, we just have to make sure
that she can't talk him round.
You're right.
Dead people can't talk.
No, no, I didn't mean it like that.
If she was to kill herself
then she wouldn't be able to
say that she didn't do it.
And if she was to leave a
suicide note then even better.
What's this?
Her suicide note.
But how did you?
Oh it doesn't matter, it's the only way.
No.
I can't do any more murders.
(SOBBING)
Oh Bernard can't you see?
(SOBS) What else can we do?
You have to do it.
Me, no, no I can't.
Her husband's just died.
You have to do it.
I did him.
Anyway, do you know what
they do murderers inside?
Oh, especially women.
It wouldn't be fair.
If anything, we're being kind.
Well, if it's the kind thing.
Oh it is Bernard, really it is.
Here, you'll need this.
Where did you get that?
The kind thing.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
Okay.
Just tiptoe in.
Turn the handle and stab stab.
I'll cover up for us.
Simple.
Just turn the handle and stab stab.
MR. THOMPSPN: Murder!
What no?
What's going on?
Stab stab.
I mean, um, no wait.
There's been a murder.
Cubbies.
You've got one already, good.
Follow me.
Come on Bernard.
Right, that's it, we're leaving.
But we've paid for three nights.
No we're leaving.
Stand back you vermin.
Have some respect for the dead.
What the?
You've got us all up for this.
She's been murdered.
He did it.
(GASPS)
Did not.
He did it in the night.
Murderer.
Calm down, the chicken probably...
Henrietta.
Henrietta probably wasn't murdered.
We'll have to investigate.
INSPECTOR: Yes we will.
Inspector.
So sorry, we didn't mean to wake you.
Not at all,
this is a job for the
Council if ever there was.
Oh no, no, no, not at all.
This is absolutely nothing.
Oh contrare, this is very important.
Besides I've been observing you all.
Watching you, keeping an
eye on you, making notes.
Pervert.
(HISSES)
To find the killer we simply
need to line up the suspects
and the murderer will reveal themselves.
Right, everyone here?
Cecil and Sonya aren't.
Oh typical.
Where are they?
Sonya's room.
Interesting.
Bernard go get them.
Really, I mean we should
probably just let them sleep.
Bernard go get them.
(SCREAMING)
Ah there she is.
There's been a murder.
(SOBBING)
Yes we know, the um, Henrietta, the um.
Why?
Oh why?
At last, someone who cares.
(SOBBING) Why him?
Oh why?
Thank you my dear but she is a she.
You've had some of her eggs.
(SOBBING) What?
Someone's murdered the chicken.
Oh really, why?
It wasn't me?
(DISTANT SCREAMING)
It's a serial killer.
Doom!
Everyone calm down it's not
a serial killer, it's not.
Ah.
Idiots.
(GASPS)
Cecil, my dear Cecil.
Step aside, step aside.
Coming through, coming through.
CAPTAIN: I think I'm going to feint.
(SOBBING)
Madam, step away from him,
you're contaminating the evidence.
(PEACEFUL MUSIC)
Delicious.
He's been dead for a while.
(GASPS)
A double killing.
(GASPS)
First this man, then the chicken.
Henrietta, her name was Henrietta.
Everyone back to your rooms.
This is ridiculous.
We were just leaving.
Wait, that's it.
You're all suspects.
- No.
- Hold on what?
There is a serial killer on the loose
and I said nobody leaves.
Now everyone back to your rooms.
I told you it was a serial killer.
(MUTTERING)
- This is ridiculous.
- Don't you hit my husband.
(EVERYONE TALKING OVER ONE ANOTHER)
INSPECTOR: Not you Bernard.
Me?
Yes, you.
Aren't you forgetting something?
Sorry.
Breakfasts, it's almost time.
Oh, right.
Hey, you don't run the hotel.
I decide when the breakfasts go out.
Bernard, do as The Inspector says.
This is a crime scene
and I am in charge now.
(HISSES)
This is no good.
This is no good.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
MR. THOMPSON: Doom!
Shut up!
MILDRED: Bernard, tidy that up.
(SIGHS)
Well it seems like he
died from a stab wound.
Though of course we won't know for sure
until he's had an autopsy.
Dr. Lewis, I presume you can
conduct a thorough examination?
Of course.
Nice and thorough.
Good, good.
Well there seems to be very
little evidence to go on.
The knife?
Yes, the knife.
It's from the kitchen.
INSPECTOR: Who has
access to the kitchen?
Galley.
What?
It's called a galley, not a kitchen.
Right, well who has
access to the galley?
Well anyone really.
Um, it's not like it's locked.
But it's mainly used by you?
And Mildred.
Well a killer will often use a weapon
they have easy access to.
Unless it's someone trying
to disguise their actions.
Frame someone.
Yes, thank you doctor,
I'll do the investigating.
(SOBBING)
You think it's me, don't you?
INSPECTOR: Calm down madam.
Poor Cecil.
(SOBS) I loved that
repulsive man all my life,
and now he's dead.
Console yourself woman.
I'm not saying that you did do it.
But I have to be open to
the idea that you did do it.
Why?
Trust me madam, I will find the killer.
Whoever it is.
Even if it is you.
(SOBBING)
You crept into the
lobby, hungry for blood.
And you saw him sleeping.
Defenseless.
And you raised your
weapon and you stabbed him
and you killed him.
Admit it.
Admit it!
Admit it!
Is this gonna take long?
Yes madam it is.
Oh.
(PEACEFUL MUSIC)
People saw Cecil go into
your room after the show.
He was angry.
He hit me.
And then we made love,
just like most nights.
And then you went to bed?
Yes I did my rounds and
I went straight to bed.
You didn't hear anything funny?
I hear fish.
You're a hard case hey?
Obviously I didn't do it.
Isn't it normally the spouse?
I'll ask the questions.
This is the worst hotel
that I have ever been in.
What are you going to do
about him and Henrietta?
Why would I do it?
I love chicken.
Please, I want to talk about Cecil.
I don't want to bad mouth the dead but...
I never could stand him.
Always after his pound of flesh.
He stank.
If you want to question me
further, I'll be in my room.
Cecil, um...
He's just not our sort of people is he.
Yeah he treated me
badly but, he's my boss.
Nobody liked him.
It could have been anyone.
Yes.
I think it could be.
(DOOR KNOCKING)
Who is it?
BERNARD: It's me.
Oh, come in.
Who'd you think it was?
No one.
That was intense.
Do you think he's onto us?
That's hard to say.
No, I don't think so.
I gave him enough hints
that it was Mildred.
She's smart.
We'll get away with this.
We just need to be um.
More uh, well um.
Smarter.
Not now.
(DOOR KNOCKING)
BERNARD: Dr. Lewis.
Doctor.
(DOOR KNOCKING)
I told you he's not answering it.
Open it.
(KEYS RATTLING)
Doctor.
INSPECTOR: Let me through.
BERNARD: Dr. Lewis.
Ah the smell.
BERNARD: Dr. Lewis hello?
Oh yes.
Oh.
You have uh.
Oops.
Messy me.
(MOANING)
Did you um.
What um.
Work out what happened?
Precisely.
What happened?
Murdered, that's it.
Murdered.
And left for me.
Yeah, no what I meant was...
(MOANING)
Oh god.
How was he murdered?
Stabbed.
(GROANING)
In his sleep.
(MOANING)
Looky here.
That's a kidney.
Um, so no one heard him scream.
Precisely, he knew his murderer.
Everyone knows everyone here Inspector.
Precisely, everyone knows everyone
and no one knows nothing.
This is pointless.
Precisely.
MILDRED: Inspector.
(MOANING)
(COUGHING)
I know who did it you know?
What sorry?
They didn't ask but I know.
Really?
Yes, you.
And that pretty little thing
you're having a thing with.
This, this is ridiculous.
You, you are crazy.
We're all a little crazy.
Aren't we?
Hmm.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
Hmm.
Hmm.
(GROANING)
(CLATTERING)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
DR. LEWIS: Splishy splashy,
splishy splashy, splishy.
Oh you are so pretty.
Ah, not my face.
(DOOR KNOCKING)
BERNARD: Hello.
Saved by the knock of opportunity.
You've come for the body have you?
You both came?
You may want to sit down.
So, you know do you?
Know?
Know what?
You said you knew.
I was joking (LAUGHS).
What do you want?
What?
What do you want to keep quiet?
We're not gonna hurt you.
We're not cold blooded killers.
How about a bigger room?
Free rent.
BERNARD: We can do that.
Yes, we can do that.
All you have to do is keep quiet.
You can do that?
I can do that.
How can I trust you?
Now why did you have to go and say that?
Now hold on a second.
Of course you can trust us.
No I can't.
You're killers.
No we're not.
Yes you are.
He's right.
We are!
Ah, no!
Get the knife you idiot.
(GROANING)
We're not murderers, we really aren't.
I can't reach it.
Just find it.
(GROANING)
Sorry.
This really isn't us.
Just do it.
Just do it!
(GLASS SMASHES)
Well this is just great.
I couldn't do it.
(MOANS)
I just froze.
What do we do now?
I'll sort it.
(MOANING)
(GROANING)
(PANTING)
(MUFFLED SHOUTING)
INSPECTOR: Two ounces of Darjeeling.
MILDRED: How's the investigation going?
It would be amiss to discuss them.
Are those bourbons?
Bourbons.
Chocolatey.
Any ideas yet?
Well, everyone has a reason.
The murderer could have
been any one of you.
Tea?
Tea.
I haven't had tea for months.
But you have the power.
I was just thinking,
that if you were to
make the right decision,
it could be very beneficial for you.
Financially?
Yes, financially.
(PEACEFUL MUSIC)
I suspect you're all eager
to know who the killer is?
(SLURPING)
MRS. ELLIS: Oh get on with it.
Ah.
(CROCKERY SMASHING)
Right.
The killer.
After a long and complex investigation,
I've come to the conclusion of the events
that transpired last night.
Transpired?
He means what happened.
Who killed Cecil.
Then why didn't he bleedin' say so.
Sorry can I continue.
So uh, if I could have a volunteer.
I'll do it.
(MOANING)
Good.
(CLAPPING)
Sit in the chair.
Oh, it's very comfy.
The killer waited
down here in the shadows
until the victim was asleep.
The killer snuck out of his hiding place.
(SNORING)
The kill...
Sorry could stop snoring?
I'm just trying to make it authentic.
He did snore.
Yes, but it's fine without the snoring.
The killer saw the victim,
he drew his weapon
and with a bloodthirsty glint in his eye
he raised his dagger and
stabbed the victim in the heart.
(GROANING)
MR. THOMPSON: I'll kill you.
No one tried to kill you.
He stabbed me.
Nobody stabbed you, you're fine.
MR. THOMPSON: Ah, true.
So as you can see the
victim didn't stand a chance.
Who was the killer?
Exactly, who?
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
Someone who knew the victim.
Someone who knew he was a heavy sleeper.
Someone with a motive.
And someone who wanted him dead.
It was her, Miss Sonya Beatrice.
She had the motive, he
was using her, bribing her
and she had the means.
Do you deny it, eh?
What's the matter?
Cat got your tongue?
Huh?
Well I didn't.
She didn't do it.
What?
It wasn't her.
Well how do you know?
Because it was me.
(GASPS)
I killed him.
INSPECTOR: What?
I thought you said it was Sonya.
Yes, that was a clever ruse.
I knew the true killer
would give themselves away.
Ah, put him in the slammer.
He needs to be tried first.
I have the power set by
the Council to judge him.
We shall hold the trial and
the sentencing right here.
CAPTAIN: You.
Captain.
May I have a moment with the prisoner?
The Inspector said I had to guard him
while he sets up the court proceedings.
But he didn't say I
couldn't have visitors.
He said no talking.
Sorry.
That's talking.
(GROANING)
Sorry.
(GROANING)
Bernard, Bernard, shh.
Captain please, just a moment.
He's a dangerous criminal,
I can't leave him alone.
I'm sure I'll be fine.
Besides you're not leaving him alone,
you're leaving him with me.
I, I could do with a, a toilet break.
You've got two minutes.
(GROANING)
What was that for?
I didn't say anything.
That was for Henrietta.
Oh Bernie, are you okay?
No, not really.
I don't think it's gonna
be a very fair trial.
I'm sure everything will be fine.
So I've spoken to Leonard.
Leonard?
The Inspector.
Right.
He's actually a very understanding man.
Really?
Yeah.
He thinks the hotel will
pass the inspection.
Oh but he doesn't think
Mildred is up for it.
What?
Well he doesn't think she's fit enough
to run the hotel on her own so...
No, weren't you talking to him about me.
Trying to make him go easy on me?
That's why I went to speak to him,
but the conversation seemed to change.
You are guilty.
I mean you did commit murder.
No I didn't.
You killed him.
You pushed him onto the knife.
Oh Bernie.
We had a good time.
But things change.
People grow and then you have to move on.
But, it's only been a day.
I'm sorry Bernie, truly I am.
Sonya.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
(GROANING)
Who would have thought
we'd get to see a trial on our honeymoon?
Yes, who would have thought?
I know you're innocent.
Thanks Mrs. Ellis.
(GAVEL BANGING)
(GASPS)
I pronounce this trial open.
We are here to try one Bernard Smithen
to determine if he's
guilty, which he clearly is,
of the murder of Cecil Farthing
and Henrietta the chicken.
Thank you.
The accused stand.
How do you plead to the charge of murder?
Guilty.
The defendant has pleaded guilty.
Guilty of falling of love.
Oh god.
Guilty of being led astray.
Guilty of thinking I could
make this hotel a better place.
Guilty of always...
Very good.
As you're quite clearly guilty.
It is just left for me to sentence you.
But before I do, is there
anybody that would like
to speak for Bernard's character?
I'll speak for him.
INSPECTOR: Go ahead,
the floor is yours.
Shame on you all.
Oh here we go.
This is Bernard sitting here beside us.
The man who's looked after us all.
Where's Dr. Lewis?
You normally have a good
word to say about him.
Bernard is the best man amongst us.
Sit down and shut up you old bag.
- And Henrietta the chicken.
- Order.
- He killed my Cecil.
- Order.
(EVERYONE SHOUTING OVER ONE ANOTHER)
I said order!
Thank you Mrs. Ellis, will you sit down.
That was, passionate.
Oh shut up, you pushy little man.
(GASPS)
Get out of my court.
Sorry love, I tried.
Thanks Mrs. Ellis, it helped.
I think.
Right, now that that's finished
is there anybody that would like to speak
against Bernard's character?
Furthermore, when was the last time
anyone had meat for breakfast?
And, he killed Henrietta.
No I didn't.
(GROANING)
Silence.
You've had your chance to say your piece.
No I haven't.
Silence.
Thank you Captain.
You make take a seat.
Right, is that it?
The crumpet hasn't spoken yet.
Huh?
Cuckoo.
Hmm, go ahead.
What can I say?
It is clear to everyone here
that Bernard is a simple fool.
But underneath that idiotic
demeanor is a manipulative man.
A greedy man.
A man who will kill to get his own way.
A man who doesn't have his own spine.
Not like a real man.
He is a murderous snake.
Well said.
I have made my decision.
In the case of Bernard Smithen
I hereby find you guilty of
murder in the first degree.
You shall be taken from the
place from whence you came
and from there to a place of execution
where you shall be hung
until your body be dead.
Dead.
Dead.
Dead.
Hang him.
To the gallows!
MR. THOMPSON: Murderer.
- No, wait, wait, wait.
- On your feet young man.
Just wait, no, no, no.
I think we can get a
better view from here.
Please, please, I demand a retrial.
No point, we'll still find you guilty.
Down.
- Weren't you my friend?
- Surely this is illegal?
I am the law.
I will explain everything.
I will, I'll explain it.
Sorry Bernard, you made your choice.
Any last words?
(DRUM ROLLING)
I loved you.
(GROANING)
I loved this hotel.
Very poetic.
Great.
How are you gonna run
the hotel without me?
We'll figure it out.
(GROANING)
(SPUTTERING)
(MOANING)
(PANTING)
You never let me play.
(CYMBALS CLASHING)
(SHOUTING DROWNED OUT BY CYMBALS CLASHING)
Shut him up.
Shut him up!
(CYMBALS CRASHING)
(THUDDING)
(GROANING)
Poor Bernard, just like Tweety.
(COUGHING)
(GROANING)
MR. FISHER: Oh my god, it's a miracle.
It's his fault, he's ruined it now.
I'll just have to shoot him.
MR. THOMPSON: You can't.
It's a miracle.
It ain't a freaking miracle.
You did this.
The hotel should belong
to the Council, to me.
We need the money.
I knew it, you snake.
Snake?
You bribed me into blaming Sonya.
Excuse me if I changed
my plans halfway through
after he admitted to it.
I mean who does that?
What fool admits to murder?
Well you can't.
The hotel is mine by law.
I am the law.
I think you should leave.
Do you?
Well let's not forget who
the Council Representative is here.
I condemn this property
and it belongs to the Council, to me.
Yeah, and me.
(GUN FIRES)
(CYMBALS CRASH)
(GROANING)
MR. THOMPSON: Leak!
(ALARM BLARING)
Please be okay.
Where do you think you're going?
To fix it before it's too late.
No, nobody leaves.
It's a leak.
Damn it.
I want a divorce.
Down down into the deep, down down!
(GROANING)
I'm trying to save the sub.
Let it sink.
(GROANING)
Ow.
(GROANING)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
Oh I'm so sorry, are you okay?
You slapped me.
(GROANING)
Ow.
Oh sorry.
Come here.
(GROANING)
Why don't you just die?
(SCREAMING)
(GROANING)
I win.
(GUN CLICKS)
Bad luck.
(GROANING)
(ALARM BLARING)
(SHOUTING)
Somebody should go and help him.
No, I won't go.
You're a military man, you go.
Uh, no, it's not really my job.
And besides the man did say
he was from the Council.
(GASPING)
You.
What the hell happened to you?
He's killed again.
No I haven't, he's still alive.
Just incapacitated.
I need your help.
We're gonna sink.
Oh typical.
How is this my fault?
MR. THOMPSON: Doomed.
That's it boys, our final voyage.
(PEACEFUL MUSIC)
No, wait, listen.
If we all work together we can save it.
I just need your help.
This hotel has supported us.
It's kept us warm and safe.
We owe it to her to try.
Bernard, it's okay.
He's right.
We should do something.
Everyone grab something
useful and follow Bernard.
Where did she go?
I think she's abandoning ship.
MR. THOMPSON: Get her!
No, no wait.
Wait, no.
(CYMBALS CRASHING)
No!
No wait, please, please,
please help me Sonya.
We can still rescue the
hotel, we can have it all.
No it's too late, you have to let it go.
It's everyone for themselves.
But I used to love you.
Oh don't be such a fool
all your life Bernard.
(ALARM BLARING)
Fool.
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC)
MRS. FISHER: Out of my way.
Give me one.
Leave us.
Mildred, it's women and children first.
We are paying guests.
I'm with the whore, women first.
Just attach yourselves.
Mrs. Ellis?
Mrs. Ellis we need to go.
And you thought it was all over.
(THUDDING)
(MOANS)
Got him this time.
Come on, we need to go.
Oh, is it cocktail time?
- Out of my way.
- Hurry up.
(EVERYONE SHOUTING OVER ONE ANOTHER)
No one move.
Now I didn't want to do this.
But you've left me with no choice.
Give me the masks.
What?
You heard him give him the masks.
CAPTAIN: No.
No, your mask.
Now!
Good.
Now Sonya.
Bernard, surely you don't mean me?
Yes Sonya, now.
Told you we should've tipped him.
Shut up.
Now we're gonna leave.
And I'm sorry, but you're
all gonna stay here.
You are condemning us.
You condemned yourselves.
Join me, join me.
We can have a party.
Bernard, let us out or you're fired.
I quit.
Sonya, you speak to him.
Make him see sense.
Bernard.
Bernard please listen to me.
We're sorry.
Oh we've been fools.
Bernard if we all went together
than we can fix this I'm sure.
Just help us out.
Did you ever love me?
- Yes.
- Yes, say yes.
Or was it all to get the hotel?
I...
Because I loved you.
I know, just help us out.
But I've changed, you said it.
It's everyone for themselves.
You scummy little maggot.
(EVERYONE TALKING OVER ONE ANOTHER)
Don't do this.
You fool.
You silly woman.
I think you should know,
I killed your chicken.
CAPTAIN: Her name...
What?
What is it?
You're better than this.
(SIGHS)
(GROANING)
(MOANING)
(METAL CRACKING)
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC)
(SOBBING)
(SOBBING)
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC)
That is that.
(SOBBING)
Where's Dr. Lewis and The Inspector?
(ALARM BLARING)
(MOANING)
Looky here.
Well what now?
We find a new hotel.
(GROANING)
You've got a leak.
(EVERYONE TALKING OVER ONE ANOTHER)
Doomed!
MILDRED: Sit down.
MRS. FISHER: I told you
there is not enough for us.
SONYA: Shut up.
You can keep your bunkers
Your gas mask chic
When bombs come down
Buildings start to creak
I won't be in the square
Nor the place by the well
I'll be with my rabbits
foot prepared to sail
Welcome to The Fitzroy Hotel
Please enjoy your stay
The Margate Riviera
They place to get away
The rooms are very cozy
Staff are at your call
Poison gas, balderdash
Take it in the view, it won't kill you
There's space for all
(LAUGHING)
(CHEERFUL MUSIC)
The train leaves at midnight
away from poisoned air
From London we fly air balloon
non-stop to Margate Pier
We're all aboard the night
boat, it's a one way trip
All aboard the leaving party
going down with the ship
Welcome to The Fitzroy Hotel
Please enjoy your stay
The Margate Riviera
It's the place to get away
The rooms are very cozy
The staff are at your call
Poison gas, balderdash
Take in the view, it won't kill you
There's space for all
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
Now we're on The Fitzroy
It's worse than death
Well I'd rather poison
gas than sleep in that bed
Stewed prunes for breakfast
Leaks down the hull
Entertainment stinks like a dirty girl
Oh no
Welcome to The Fitzroy Hotel
Please enjoy your stay
The Margate Riviera
The place to get away
Rooms are very cozy
The staff are at your call
Poison gas, balderdash
Take in the view, it won't kill you
There's space for all
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
The Fitzroy Hotel
Please enjoy stay
First I was entranced lessers of evil
Cabaret and pay to see me as you may
A note from me to show a little skirt
For I have played the femme fatale
Lulu, Nano, I know them all
But underneath grand facade
Is a little girl who
needs a cradling arm
And an open heart to
help her on her path
Of this lifetime of trying
Of trying to achieve
Impossible dreams
(HAMMER CLANGING)
Wake up!
I said wake up you good for nothings.
Wake up and get out!
We're doomed!
BERNARD: Every bleedin' morning.
MR. THOMPSON: We're all gonna die!
BERNARD: Very cheery.
- Doomed!
- Morning Doctor.
- Is it?
- Lovely day.
DR. LEWIS: We'll see.
(CHEERFUL MUSIC)
MR. THOMPSON: (GRUNTS)
A life of misery!
Doomed!
Doomed!
Shut up!
I'm going to kill you!
Please Captain.
- You're all going to die!
- I'll talk to him.
Every bloody morning it's the same.
My poor Henrietta can't
get any bloody sleep.
Please Captain, let me talk to him.
MR. THOMPSON: We're all gonna die.
(GRUNTS)
I think this one is dog food.
Dog food.
Meat.
MR. THOMPSON: Things will end in death.
Mr. Thompson, please open the door.
Please Mr. Thompson can
you try to keep it down
for the sake of the other guests.
Doomed!
(HIGH PITCHED BUZZING)
We had a name in the
army for people like you.
Cannon fodder.
I tried.
I know you try.
Why don't you try being less weak.
And this is stewed prunes.
(GROANS)
Never any meat, always prunes.
(CHEERFUL MUSIC)
(GASPS)
(MOANS)
(CANS CLATTERING)
(RADAR BEEPING)
(BIRD CAWING)
(CHEERFUL MUSIC)
Doomed!
(CHEERFUL MUSIC)
(CAMERA CLICKING)
(CHEERFUL MUSIC)
(DISTANT CHEERFUL MUSIC)
(CHEERFUL MUSIC)
(ELECTRICITY BUZZING)
(DISTANT FANFARE MUSIC)
(WAVES CRASHING)
(MUFFLED CHATTER)
(CHEERFUL MUSIC)
(BELL DINGING)
(PHONE RINGING)
For crying out loud.
(PHONE RINGING)
Whatever it is we ain't buying.
(MUFFLED SHOUTING)
(GROANING)
No no, no we're not selling anything.
(MUFFLED CHATTER)
Who are ya?
I said we'd like a room.
You're not making no sense.
Give it here dear.
We're the Fishers and we'd like a room.
A room.
Guests?
Guests!
(MUFFLED SHOUTING)
(GROANING)
Just wait a moment please,
we'll be right with you.
Bernard!
Bernard!
Bernard!
(CANE TAPPING)
Bernard!
(SNORING)
Bernard!
Bernard.
- MEN TOGETHER: Bernard!
- Bernard!
MR. THOMPSON: Bernard!
(GASPS) Mommy?
Mommy?
I'm not your mommy.
Guests!
Guests?
MILDRED: Bernard!
(CHEERFUL MUSIC)
BERNARD: I'm coming.
- There's no room.
- I'm on it.
Bernard!
Hurry up you lazy sod.
They'll be dead by the time you get there.
Ahoy there!
MRS. FISHER: Oh dear.
(PAN CLANGING)
Curries.
We've got guests.
Guests?
One moment be right there.
Look, a boat man.
Boat man.
No, no don't look over there.
Damn it.
She's seen them.
Not again.
Please do not panic.
Our bellboy will be right with you.
(GROANING)
Yoo hoo!
Back on the boat sir,
don't worry about her.
Mind yourselves in the boat now.
Stay back.
Mean boat man!
You know what Cecil
said you have to stay here
until you can behave.
Bad boat man, you bad.
(GRUNTS)
I'll be good.
Please take me.
I'm sorry.
(SCREAMING)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
(GAS PUMPING)
(GAS HISSING)
Welcome to The Fitzroy.
You can take your gas masks off now.
I'm Bernard, pleased to meet you.
And you are?
Mr. S. Fisher from London.
We're on our honeymoon,
aren't we schnookums.
That's right sweet pea.
(LAUGHS)
You haven't had many guests?
No, not since the uh, event.
We have a fair few
permanent guests though.
They keep us ticking over.
Three nights in the Honeymoon Suite.
That'll be, six ounces.
I presume Darjeeling will be adequate.
Wonderful.
(LAUGHING)
Darjeeling for my darling (LAUGHS).
Ooh that's nice.
Ain't that nice Bernard?
Yeah.
Is there much to do round here?
Well you've got the beach.
Bit cold this time of year but still nice.
Just stay away from the sewage outlet.
No, I meant entertainment.
Theater, excitement.
Oh no, it's the off-season.
I don't know what he's talking about.
Staff.
Of course there's entertainment.
Why just tomorrow night
we have our annual um,
annual uh...
Big talent show.
Yes, big talent show (LAUGHS).
We do?
We do.
Of course there's a small ticket price.
Your room is down the corridor,
Bernard will bring your bags.
No sea view but uh, you can sure hear it.
(LAUGHING)
And this is your room.
Finest in the hotel.
No, no, no, this, this will not do.
It's the best we've got.
I'm sure we'll be fine dear.
As long as I have you I'll be happy.
Oh.
(RAT THUDS)
(PEACEFUL MUSIC)
Um (CLEARS THROAT), sorry,
we just need a little bit more light.
There we go, much better.
(RAIL CLANGS)
Right well, I'll get that.
Doesn't really match the ambience anyway.
I'll get you a new one.
Uh.
Just get by.
Yeah.
MRS. FISHER: Excuse me.
(GROANING)
(SCREAMING)
- I am so...
- You idiot!
- I'm sorry.
- Get out.
I'm sorry.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
(WOOD KNOCKING)
Yes?
Rent.
Always after your pound
of flesh aren't you?
Rent or the beach room.
Hmm.
Precisely.
Precisely.
(GRUNTS)
MR. FISHER: Just get
out and leave us alone.
So sorry about that, I'll
get you some ice for it okay.
CAPTAIN: Bernard, take the washing.
We'll need it for the talent show.
(CHEERFUL MUSIC)
(PEACEFUL MUSIC)
(HUMMING)
(CLEARS THROAT)
(WHIMPERING)
What do you think you're doing?
I'm, just collecting the empties.
You stay well away from her.
She's too special for the likes of you.
Just make sure our guests are comfortable.
What is all the racket about boys?
Sonya.
Nothing.
Just having a little chat,
isn't that right Bernard.
Yeah, that's right.
Hi Sonya.
Hello Bernard.
We have a talent show tomorrow night,
for the new guests.
You should perform.
Oh, I don't know.
It's been too long, ain't it?
I suppose so.
But you've got a beautiful voice.
Isn't this lovely?
Bernard, isn't there a toilet
that needs unblocking or something?
Yeah.
Bye Sonya.
Bye Bernard.
What an idiot.
SONYA: He ain't so bad.
Your rent is overdue.
(SIGHS)
(LAUGHING)
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC)
Don't worry dear, it never
works out in the beginning.
Mrs. Ellis, you scared me half to.
I mean I didn't see you there.
Of course you didn't,
you weren't looking at me.
It's just she's so...
I do need the help of a
strong young man though.
Who me?
Oh, it is nice to have a
honeymoon couple on board
isn't it Bernard?
Yeah.
I was in love once.
Those were the days.
Have you ever been in love Bernard?
Um.
I think so.
You think so?
What kind of an answer's that?
Mrs. Ellis, what was it
you wanted me to look at?
Oh it's Tweety, he's gone all quiet.
Well let's see what's up with him.
Hello Tweety.
What's wrong little fella?
(WHIMSICAL MUSIC)
I think he's moved on Mrs. Ellis.
He's flown away?
No, no.
He's dead.
Why didn't you bleedin'
say so, scaring me like that.
Poor Tweety.
He was fine a few minutes
ago, happily tweeting away.
How long ago?
Oh, just a few minutes ago.
Leak.
Leak.
(CHEERFUL MUSIC)
(FLAME CRACKLES)
(GAS HISSING)
Rust!
(INHALES)
(CHEERFUL MUSIC)
(SPUTTERS)
(PANTING)
Sorry old girl.
You had a leak Mrs. Ellis.
Really?
Poor Tweety.
(PAN SIZZLING)
I've patched it up for now,
but stay away from it until
I do a better job, okay?
Hmm.
Mrs. Ellis, just get some rest okay.
Oh, thank you Bernard.
And Bernard, some birds
weren't meant to be caged.
If you want to win her heart,
you need to set her free.
Alright there Tweety?
(DISTANT JAZZ MUSIC)
Inside your dreams
Those gray skies I will love
Free.
If the heavens rain down upon us
We'll just admire the pretty colors
A toast to us both
(GROANING)
And as my voice spins round the record
Like my head around my heart
I'm in my part all on my own
Singing for you
Goodnight.
(LIGHT CLICKS)
(ALARM RINGING)
(GRUNTS)
(HAMMER BANGING)
Get out!
Doomed!
I hate that man!
(GASPS)
And where have you been all night?
Good morning.
You're late again.
Lots to do.
(CHEERFUL MUSIC)
MR. THOMPSON: Doomed!
You dirty little civvy.
Good morning Captain.
What's good about it?
It's a new day, anything can happen.
No it can't.
I can't grow a second bladder can I?
MR. THOMPSON: Doomed!
Shut up you old fool.
Eh um.
Morning.
Breakfast?
No thanks, we're gonna be heading out.
We're going to have
a picnic on the beach.
- Sounds lovely.
- Doomed to die!
Please Mr. Thompson we have guests.
MR. THOMPSON: They're gonna die.
You sure you don't want breakfast?
No.
CAPTAIN: I'll have theirs.
You can have yours in a minute Captain.
- Jumped up young brats.
- Let's go.
Yes please.
Doomed.
Coo-hoo, hello!
(HEAVY BREATHING)
Hmm.
Hmm.
(SIGHS)
(LIGHTS BUZZING)
(WATER DRIPS)
(SIGHS)
(PEACEFUL MUSIC)
(CLAPPING)
MRS. ELLIS: Wonderful.
Just mopping.
He is good isn't he?
He is rather.
Oh reminds me of my younger days.
If only I were your age.
La la la, da da da
(LAUGHS)
I don't pay you to dance twinkle toes.
You don't pay me at all.
Leave him alone, it was nice.
Be quiet, sweet cheeks.
(SCREAMS)
Leave her alone.
What?
(SOBBING)
Precisely.
(SOBBING)
Women (LAUGHS).
(PANTING)
Oh.
New couple, I'm good now.
I'm good.
No touching.
(MUFFLED CHATTER)
Go.
(SIGHS)
Come on.
You can do this.
I can't.
Come on Bernard.
Come on, dear god.
(DOOR KNOCKING)
SONYA: What is it?
Bernard?
I thought um.
I mean, I was worried.
Would you like to come in?
(PEACEFUL MUSIC)
I'm, I'm sorry about Cecil.
Oh, please don't apologize for him.
Sorry.
I just wish I could do
something, you know, but.
Well maybe you could.
No, I couldn't.
I'm not strong enough and
besides it's not my place.
I mean, he's my boss.
Come.
Sit by me.
(PEACEFUL MUSIC)
I um.
- Someone should...
- So.
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
- What were you...
- You go first.
Please go ahead.
I was just gonna ask
if you'd change your mind
about performing at the talent show?
Those days, they're in the past.
But you've got such a wonderful voice.
Sorry.
What were you gonna say?
Oh it was nothing really.
Please.
Well, it's just.
You should be running
the hotel, not Cecil.
Me, running the hotel?
Well you do all the
hard work around here.
And you're the one that keeps
this place ticking over.
What about checking in the guests?
Doing the books, the accounts,
collecting the rent, not to...
Shh.
You could collect the rent.
No, I.
Sure you could.
If you had a partner.
Partner?
A business partner.
A co-owner.
A lover.
Or whatever you wanna call me.
Oh Bernard, all you would
have to do is get rid of him.
It would be so easy.
I mean accidents happen
all the time right.
And then, you would
have everything Bernard.
You'd have the hotel.
You'd have me.
Oh Bernard, you would save us both.
(GASPS)
Murder.
You're talking about murder.
Yes of course, murder.
Murder.
Murder.
You just say it like it's nothing.
Would you keep your voice down.
No, I could never do it.
Bernard, think about it.
Think about everything you could have.
It's wrong.
I couldn't.
Bernard.
Take the empties.
(PEACEFUL MUSIC)
(HEAVY BREATHING)
(GASPS)
(BELL DINGS)
Hell guv'nor.
What can I do for you?
(GRUNTS)
Mercy me, bed for the night.
Not good, not good.
(BRUSH SCRUBBING)
How many times do I have to tell you?
The walls in my room are too thin.
I can hear the fish swimming in my ear.
Mr. Thompson they're fine.
I've checked them,
they're the same thickness
as the rest of the hotel.
They're too thin.
(PHONE RINGING)
They must be done for the day.
I'm coming.
(MUFFLED CHATTER)
Hmm, what?
Who's this?
We're doomed!
According to official
reports we're too die.
(MUFFLED CHATTER)
Beware before it's too late.
(CHEERFUL MUSIC)
Good morning sir.
What?
No wait, you're on the wrong side.
I'm on the right side.
You need to be on the other side.
There's only one side.
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
You're the customer see.
You can't be on that side.
Don't tell me what to do.
I'm not telling you what to do
but I can only serve you
if you're on this side.
Oh, fine.
Happy?
There, that's better.
What can I do for you sir?
You're on the wrong side.
Huh?
Now you're on the wrong side.
Oh god.
Hello sir, what can I do for you?
I'd like a room for two nights.
Your most average.
We've only average left sir.
Name?
Inspector.
Inspector?
The Inspector from the Council.
Here to inspect the hotel,
make sure it meets regulation.
We're regular sir.
It's anchored, not going nowhere.
How many guests do you have?
Two.
Two?
Yes but 13 permanent guests.
No wait 12.
Chris died last week, broken air filter.
I mean old age, he died a
peaceful death of broken old age.
12 guests?
That's quite a little earner.
Tell me about the hotel.
Well The Fitzroy of course
used to be a regular hotel
up on the promenade.
Then after the event, the
sub just popped straight up.
I loved her the moment I saw her.
Took for ages to get
the contents on board.
Oh.
Lost a ship trying to
get the bathtubs across.
There are drawbacks to having
a hotel in a submarine.
We could sink at any time.
But it's okay though.
Oh.
I used to clean a lot
of windows, not anymore.
So that's pretty much all
there is to the Fitzroy.
Bernard, you idiot.
What are you doing here?
Shouldn't you be fixing
something on this rust bucket?
Or attending to our guests.
- This is the...
- We told you to smooch them.
You can't do that down here can you?
Wow them.
Takers remember.
This is The Inspector.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
Madam.
The owner, I presume.
The Hotel Inspector.
From the Council.
Inspector, how nice for you to visit.
Yes I am the owner, co-owner really.
(LAUGHS) Sorry about before.
I get so passionate about good service.
Passion is what separates
us from the animals.
That's what I always say.
Ain't that what I always say Bernard.
Um, yes.
Why don't I show you
to your room Inspector.
Room 24, it's on the left.
Thank you Bernard, I know.
Follow me Inspector.
Have you traveled far?
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
(KNIFE SCRAPING)
(GASPS)
Hello Bernard.
You scared me.
We have an Inspect...
I hear you went into room 23.
I was, collecting empties.
Don't lie to me.
I know why you went in there.
Ah shit.
You okay?
- Wrap this around...
- Get off.
Let me look at it.
It's fine.
It's fine.
Just stay away from her.
You hear me.
(CANS CLATTERING)
And tidy those up.
Stay away from her.
Tidy those up.
No.
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
Oh.
(CYMBALS CLASH)
Get up.
Blasted minstrels.
(METAL SCRAPING)
Hmm.
Loose pipe.
Ah.
Loose pipe.
(METAL SQUEAKING)
Uh huh.
Hmm-mm.
Huh.
(GAS HISSING)
(GASPS)
(GASPS)
(METAL SQUEAKING)
(SIGHS)
(TUTS)
No.
No.
What are you writing down?
Notes.
The structural integrity of the hotel
is very important to the report.
She's as solid as the day she was built.
(WALLS TAPPING)
(METAL CREAKING)
Stop writing things down.
It is part of the report.
Either the hotel is stable or it is not.
I myself will be the judge.
And may I suggest that
you do not antagonize me.
Or need I remind you I have
the full support of the Council
and all the power that that entails.
(PEACEFUL MUSIC)
Ooh, hello boys.
Don't let me interrupt.
Who's your new friend Bernard?
It's The Inspector.
The Hotel Inspector, from the Council.
What a pleasure it is, Mrs.?
- Miss.
- Miss.
Sonya Beatrice.
How wonderful it is to have
a man of power around here.
Have you seen to my
proposition yet Bernard?
Um, a bit.
Well see that you do.
Well I must be getting along now.
It's my bath time Inspector.
I do hope we'll be seeing
more of you around.
I'm watching you.
Brian.
- Bernard.
- Bernard, whatever.
I'm keeping a close on you, hmm.
(SNIFFS)
(PEACEFUL MUSIC)
BERNARD: Hello Sonya.
SONYA: Come to wash me Bernard?
BERNARD: What was all that about?
He doesn't know we're
talking about murder.
Stop using that word.
He's an Inspector, he can
sniff these things out.
Oh don't you see, that plays
into our hands, it's perfect.
Look we only have to kill one person.
Kill Cecil and make it
look like Mildred did it.
She has enough motives.
The Inspector arrests her
and with them both gone
the hotel goes to you.
What?
Goes to me?
Why?
Chain of command.
This is a submarine as
well as a hotel right?
Well yeah.
And what happens when the Captain dies?
The First Officer takes command.
And if there is no First Officer?
Then the next in command.
Right.
The bellboy.
Takes command.
The chain of command.
Exactly.
(PEACEFUL MUSIC)
Chain of command.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Right.
(METAL TAPPING)
(TRUMPET BLARING)
(METAL SQUEAKING)
(CHEERFUL MUSIC)
(GAS HISSING)
(METAL SQUEAKING)
(PIPE SQUEAKING)
(GAS HISSING)
(GROANING)
(METAL CREAKING)
Mr. Thompson are you okay?
Don't move.
(PIPE RATTLING)
Leak!
- Mine.
- Mine.
- Mine.
- Mine.
Excuse me.
Fix it Bernard.
BERNARD: It's all under control.
What's all this blasted racket about?
Leak!
Ah.
Abandon ship.
(GROANING)
(KEYS RATTLING)
(ALARM BLARING)
What's going on here?
Inspector, no need to panic.
Routine maintenance.
Who's this ponce?
- Ponce?
- He's The Inspector.
The Hotel Inspector from the Council.
I thought I heard someone shout leak.
Hotel inspector?
Leak, no.
(LAUGHS) Oh, leak,
no, no, of course not.
Not in our hotel.
It's as my dear wife says,
it's just maintenance.
We've sprung a leak.
Everyone abandon ship!
Mr. Thompson.
Oh dear oh dear.
Don't worry Mr. Thompson.
I'll soon fix it Mr. Thompson.
Nothing to worry about.
Just stay there.
Come on Mr. Thompson,
let's get you out of here.
Come on.
(GROANING)
Mr. Thompson.
(ALARM BLARING)
(INHALES)
(GROANING)
Get off me you idiot!
Brr, you.
Going to sink
You're going to sink
You're going to sink
You're going to below
How do I look dear?
MRS. FISHER: Fine dear.
Dine.
It better be good, this talent show.
(GLASS SMASHES)
Great.
Seven years bad luck.
It is junk this hotel.
You're junk.
Sorry dear.
Nothing dear.
(DISTANT GROANING)
Oh, will you stop pushing.
I don't want him in here.
He smells of old sausage meat.
How the hell do you remember
what sausage meat smells like?
I said old sausage meat.
(GROANING)
Just get in there.
Mildred says he has to stay with you
or he's out on the beach.
Fine by me.
I'd rather be dead,
than live with this jumped up sailor.
I sir, am a Captain.
Ah and you think I'm mad.
Just get in there!
(GROANING)
CAPTAIN: Don't touch anything.
And keep your hands off anything.
Honestly.
Thank you.
Ah.
Program sir?
MR. FISHER: Thank you.
I'll add it to your tab.
(GROANING)
Welcome one and all to
The Fitzroy Big Talent Show.
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
Let the show begin.
A note to Tweety.
Oh dear.
Where once bright
chirrups chirped and cried.
And lovebirds tweeted side by side.
Now my dear departed dance and fly
with the dead.
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
PUPPET: Hello Dr. Lewis how are you?
Well I'm great thank you, how are you?
I'm great, how's the family?
(CHICKEN CLUCKS)
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
Life's not times fool.
No rosy lips and cheeks.
Life all does not with one we weep.
But bears it even until the edge of doom!
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
You're still a star.
I told you never to mention Elsie.
Now you must be punished.
Oh please no.
DR. ELLIS: Yes.
No, no please no, not my head.
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
Get.
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
Oh.
(SIGHS)
Well, that's it folks.
- So good.
- Great.
(CLAPPING)
(GROANING)
I'm sorry that there are no more acts.
MR. FISHER: Thank God for that.
Don't you think you're past it?
Cecil, let her sing.
You'll regret this.
(GRUNTS)
(PEACEFUL MUSIC)
I could have followed my
dear babooshka's last words
To find a good man who
could keep from my purse
If life was soft inside
a cell of victory
But popcorn girl or
seamstress I'd have been
But
I was entranced by lesser of evils
Cabaret and pay to see me as you may
A note from me to show a little skirt
For I have played the femme fatale
Lulu, Nano, I know them all
But underneath this grand facade
Is a little girl who
needs a cradling arm
And an open heart look
to help her on her path
Of this lifetime of trying
Of trying to achieve
Impossible dreams
(PEACEFUL MUSIC)
If by happenstance I
meet a man of power
I'd recommend he steal
the moon of the earth
Or else my tears are really
going to drown us all
Just grant my wish
I'll be your girl to show
I promise I will wash
my mouth with soap
I'd rather be a mop than mope
'Cause rescue me and
open up this can of worms
For I have played the femme fatale
Lulu, Nano, I know them all
But underneath this grand facade
Is a little girl who
needs a cradling arm
And an open heart look
to help her on her path
Of this lifetime of trying
Of trying to achieve
Impossible dreams
(SOBBING)
Thank god that's over.
CAPTAIN: Well that was
a complete waste of time.
Mine was the best by far.
MR. THOMPSON: Your
chicken was a better dancer.
CAPTAIN: Stop touching her.
MR. FISHER: Darling we'll leave
first thing in the morning.
MRS. FISHER: Bit late now,
normally you're premature
but not this time.
This is the worst, most depressing hotel
you've ever taken me too.
Not the best night, hey old girl.
Night everyone.
CECIL: What do you
think you're playing at?
Always making a show of yourself.
SONYA: You don't own me.
CECIL: I told you not to sing.
I'll sing if I want.
(SCREAMS)
(SOBBING)
CECIL: Please, stop your crying.
(SOBBING)
(PANTING)
(DOOR SLAMS)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
You leave her alone.
Sorry.
- No, no.
- What did you say?
I said you, you leave her alone,
you stinking bag of manure.
So, the womb has the turned.
No Cecil don't.
He didn't mean it.
Yes I do.
You're a bully and you don't deserve her.
I'll show you deserve.
You little rat.
(GROANING)
Don't do that.
No stop it, please, stop.
I'm gonna hurt you.
You ungrateful luggage monkey.
I'm a bellhop.
Cecil please just leave.
You shut up.
(SCREAMS)
Leave her alone.
(GROANING)
Get off him.
Stop, no.
(GROANING)
(MOANING)
(COUGHING)
(PANTING)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
(GROANING)
(GASPS)
What happened?
You, you've been stabbed.
In me.
How could you?
BERNARD: What have you done?
Me?
You pushed him.
You stabbed him.
It was an accident.
It wasn't an accident.
It's fine.
It clearly is not fine.
CECIL: Help me.
Oh god, what are we gonna do?
It's okay, I have it all figured out.
No you don't.
He's not even dead yet.
(COUGHING)
(GROANS)
Right, now he's dead.
What about The Inspector?
(SOBBING)
Oh no.
Bernard, I couldn't take it anymore.
What else could I do?
It's okay, we'll sort it out.
We'll be, I don't know, we'll.
We'll do what you said.
We'll blame it on Mildred.
But he's in my room.
(GROANING)
No, it's no good.
Okay um, here's what happened.
Cecil is sleeping her
after an argument with you.
Mildred furious that Cecil
has been sleeping with you.
Oh and flaunting it in
front of everyone at the show.
Yep and, and that.
Um, sneaks out and stabs him in the chest.
With my letter opener?
Right.
One second then.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
Ow.
(BLOOD SQUELCHING)
(GROANING)
You're a genius.
Well.
Do you love me Bernard?
Yes.
And you'll treat me kind?
Yes I will.
(GROANING)
CECIL: I'm alright.
(GROANS)
(PEACEFUL MUSIC)
(PANTING)
Oh Bernard.
Oh hello big boy.
(HUMMING)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
(CYMBAL CRASHING)
(SCREAMS)
Cha cha ha
(GROANING)
That's mine.
MILDRED: Bernard!
BERNARD: Murder.
CECIL: Bernard get the bags.
BERNARD: You're talking about murder.
Boat man (SCREAMING).
Help me, somebody help me.
(LAUGHING)
THE INSPECTOR: Stay away from us.
(PANTING)
They'll be finding him soon.
Do you really think The Inspector
will believe it was Mildred?
I hope so.
Not that she's smart.
I mean there's no real evidence.
We all have as much
motive as her if not more.
He has to believe it.
What if she can talk him round?
She seems to have a knack for authority.
Well, we just have to make sure
that she can't talk him round.
You're right.
Dead people can't talk.
No, no, I didn't mean it like that.
If she was to kill herself
then she wouldn't be able to
say that she didn't do it.
And if she was to leave a
suicide note then even better.
What's this?
Her suicide note.
But how did you?
Oh it doesn't matter, it's the only way.
No.
I can't do any more murders.
(SOBBING)
Oh Bernard can't you see?
(SOBS) What else can we do?
You have to do it.
Me, no, no I can't.
Her husband's just died.
You have to do it.
I did him.
Anyway, do you know what
they do murderers inside?
Oh, especially women.
It wouldn't be fair.
If anything, we're being kind.
Well, if it's the kind thing.
Oh it is Bernard, really it is.
Here, you'll need this.
Where did you get that?
The kind thing.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
Okay.
Just tiptoe in.
Turn the handle and stab stab.
I'll cover up for us.
Simple.
Just turn the handle and stab stab.
MR. THOMPSPN: Murder!
What no?
What's going on?
Stab stab.
I mean, um, no wait.
There's been a murder.
Cubbies.
You've got one already, good.
Follow me.
Come on Bernard.
Right, that's it, we're leaving.
But we've paid for three nights.
No we're leaving.
Stand back you vermin.
Have some respect for the dead.
What the?
You've got us all up for this.
She's been murdered.
He did it.
(GASPS)
Did not.
He did it in the night.
Murderer.
Calm down, the chicken probably...
Henrietta.
Henrietta probably wasn't murdered.
We'll have to investigate.
INSPECTOR: Yes we will.
Inspector.
So sorry, we didn't mean to wake you.
Not at all,
this is a job for the
Council if ever there was.
Oh no, no, no, not at all.
This is absolutely nothing.
Oh contrare, this is very important.
Besides I've been observing you all.
Watching you, keeping an
eye on you, making notes.
Pervert.
(HISSES)
To find the killer we simply
need to line up the suspects
and the murderer will reveal themselves.
Right, everyone here?
Cecil and Sonya aren't.
Oh typical.
Where are they?
Sonya's room.
Interesting.
Bernard go get them.
Really, I mean we should
probably just let them sleep.
Bernard go get them.
(SCREAMING)
Ah there she is.
There's been a murder.
(SOBBING)
Yes we know, the um, Henrietta, the um.
Why?
Oh why?
At last, someone who cares.
(SOBBING) Why him?
Oh why?
Thank you my dear but she is a she.
You've had some of her eggs.
(SOBBING) What?
Someone's murdered the chicken.
Oh really, why?
It wasn't me?
(DISTANT SCREAMING)
It's a serial killer.
Doom!
Everyone calm down it's not
a serial killer, it's not.
Ah.
Idiots.
(GASPS)
Cecil, my dear Cecil.
Step aside, step aside.
Coming through, coming through.
CAPTAIN: I think I'm going to feint.
(SOBBING)
Madam, step away from him,
you're contaminating the evidence.
(PEACEFUL MUSIC)
Delicious.
He's been dead for a while.
(GASPS)
A double killing.
(GASPS)
First this man, then the chicken.
Henrietta, her name was Henrietta.
Everyone back to your rooms.
This is ridiculous.
We were just leaving.
Wait, that's it.
You're all suspects.
- No.
- Hold on what?
There is a serial killer on the loose
and I said nobody leaves.
Now everyone back to your rooms.
I told you it was a serial killer.
(MUTTERING)
- This is ridiculous.
- Don't you hit my husband.
(EVERYONE TALKING OVER ONE ANOTHER)
INSPECTOR: Not you Bernard.
Me?
Yes, you.
Aren't you forgetting something?
Sorry.
Breakfasts, it's almost time.
Oh, right.
Hey, you don't run the hotel.
I decide when the breakfasts go out.
Bernard, do as The Inspector says.
This is a crime scene
and I am in charge now.
(HISSES)
This is no good.
This is no good.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
MR. THOMPSON: Doom!
Shut up!
MILDRED: Bernard, tidy that up.
(SIGHS)
Well it seems like he
died from a stab wound.
Though of course we won't know for sure
until he's had an autopsy.
Dr. Lewis, I presume you can
conduct a thorough examination?
Of course.
Nice and thorough.
Good, good.
Well there seems to be very
little evidence to go on.
The knife?
Yes, the knife.
It's from the kitchen.
INSPECTOR: Who has
access to the kitchen?
Galley.
What?
It's called a galley, not a kitchen.
Right, well who has
access to the galley?
Well anyone really.
Um, it's not like it's locked.
But it's mainly used by you?
And Mildred.
Well a killer will often use a weapon
they have easy access to.
Unless it's someone trying
to disguise their actions.
Frame someone.
Yes, thank you doctor,
I'll do the investigating.
(SOBBING)
You think it's me, don't you?
INSPECTOR: Calm down madam.
Poor Cecil.
(SOBS) I loved that
repulsive man all my life,
and now he's dead.
Console yourself woman.
I'm not saying that you did do it.
But I have to be open to
the idea that you did do it.
Why?
Trust me madam, I will find the killer.
Whoever it is.
Even if it is you.
(SOBBING)
You crept into the
lobby, hungry for blood.
And you saw him sleeping.
Defenseless.
And you raised your
weapon and you stabbed him
and you killed him.
Admit it.
Admit it!
Admit it!
Is this gonna take long?
Yes madam it is.
Oh.
(PEACEFUL MUSIC)
People saw Cecil go into
your room after the show.
He was angry.
He hit me.
And then we made love,
just like most nights.
And then you went to bed?
Yes I did my rounds and
I went straight to bed.
You didn't hear anything funny?
I hear fish.
You're a hard case hey?
Obviously I didn't do it.
Isn't it normally the spouse?
I'll ask the questions.
This is the worst hotel
that I have ever been in.
What are you going to do
about him and Henrietta?
Why would I do it?
I love chicken.
Please, I want to talk about Cecil.
I don't want to bad mouth the dead but...
I never could stand him.
Always after his pound of flesh.
He stank.
If you want to question me
further, I'll be in my room.
Cecil, um...
He's just not our sort of people is he.
Yeah he treated me
badly but, he's my boss.
Nobody liked him.
It could have been anyone.
Yes.
I think it could be.
(DOOR KNOCKING)
Who is it?
BERNARD: It's me.
Oh, come in.
Who'd you think it was?
No one.
That was intense.
Do you think he's onto us?
That's hard to say.
No, I don't think so.
I gave him enough hints
that it was Mildred.
She's smart.
We'll get away with this.
We just need to be um.
More uh, well um.
Smarter.
Not now.
(DOOR KNOCKING)
BERNARD: Dr. Lewis.
Doctor.
(DOOR KNOCKING)
I told you he's not answering it.
Open it.
(KEYS RATTLING)
Doctor.
INSPECTOR: Let me through.
BERNARD: Dr. Lewis.
Ah the smell.
BERNARD: Dr. Lewis hello?
Oh yes.
Oh.
You have uh.
Oops.
Messy me.
(MOANING)
Did you um.
What um.
Work out what happened?
Precisely.
What happened?
Murdered, that's it.
Murdered.
And left for me.
Yeah, no what I meant was...
(MOANING)
Oh god.
How was he murdered?
Stabbed.
(GROANING)
In his sleep.
(MOANING)
Looky here.
That's a kidney.
Um, so no one heard him scream.
Precisely, he knew his murderer.
Everyone knows everyone here Inspector.
Precisely, everyone knows everyone
and no one knows nothing.
This is pointless.
Precisely.
MILDRED: Inspector.
(MOANING)
(COUGHING)
I know who did it you know?
What sorry?
They didn't ask but I know.
Really?
Yes, you.
And that pretty little thing
you're having a thing with.
This, this is ridiculous.
You, you are crazy.
We're all a little crazy.
Aren't we?
Hmm.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
Hmm.
Hmm.
(GROANING)
(CLATTERING)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
DR. LEWIS: Splishy splashy,
splishy splashy, splishy.
Oh you are so pretty.
Ah, not my face.
(DOOR KNOCKING)
BERNARD: Hello.
Saved by the knock of opportunity.
You've come for the body have you?
You both came?
You may want to sit down.
So, you know do you?
Know?
Know what?
You said you knew.
I was joking (LAUGHS).
What do you want?
What?
What do you want to keep quiet?
We're not gonna hurt you.
We're not cold blooded killers.
How about a bigger room?
Free rent.
BERNARD: We can do that.
Yes, we can do that.
All you have to do is keep quiet.
You can do that?
I can do that.
How can I trust you?
Now why did you have to go and say that?
Now hold on a second.
Of course you can trust us.
No I can't.
You're killers.
No we're not.
Yes you are.
He's right.
We are!
Ah, no!
Get the knife you idiot.
(GROANING)
We're not murderers, we really aren't.
I can't reach it.
Just find it.
(GROANING)
Sorry.
This really isn't us.
Just do it.
Just do it!
(GLASS SMASHES)
Well this is just great.
I couldn't do it.
(MOANS)
I just froze.
What do we do now?
I'll sort it.
(MOANING)
(GROANING)
(PANTING)
(MUFFLED SHOUTING)
INSPECTOR: Two ounces of Darjeeling.
MILDRED: How's the investigation going?
It would be amiss to discuss them.
Are those bourbons?
Bourbons.
Chocolatey.
Any ideas yet?
Well, everyone has a reason.
The murderer could have
been any one of you.
Tea?
Tea.
I haven't had tea for months.
But you have the power.
I was just thinking,
that if you were to
make the right decision,
it could be very beneficial for you.
Financially?
Yes, financially.
(PEACEFUL MUSIC)
I suspect you're all eager
to know who the killer is?
(SLURPING)
MRS. ELLIS: Oh get on with it.
Ah.
(CROCKERY SMASHING)
Right.
The killer.
After a long and complex investigation,
I've come to the conclusion of the events
that transpired last night.
Transpired?
He means what happened.
Who killed Cecil.
Then why didn't he bleedin' say so.
Sorry can I continue.
So uh, if I could have a volunteer.
I'll do it.
(MOANING)
Good.
(CLAPPING)
Sit in the chair.
Oh, it's very comfy.
The killer waited
down here in the shadows
until the victim was asleep.
The killer snuck out of his hiding place.
(SNORING)
The kill...
Sorry could stop snoring?
I'm just trying to make it authentic.
He did snore.
Yes, but it's fine without the snoring.
The killer saw the victim,
he drew his weapon
and with a bloodthirsty glint in his eye
he raised his dagger and
stabbed the victim in the heart.
(GROANING)
MR. THOMPSON: I'll kill you.
No one tried to kill you.
He stabbed me.
Nobody stabbed you, you're fine.
MR. THOMPSON: Ah, true.
So as you can see the
victim didn't stand a chance.
Who was the killer?
Exactly, who?
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
Someone who knew the victim.
Someone who knew he was a heavy sleeper.
Someone with a motive.
And someone who wanted him dead.
It was her, Miss Sonya Beatrice.
She had the motive, he
was using her, bribing her
and she had the means.
Do you deny it, eh?
What's the matter?
Cat got your tongue?
Huh?
Well I didn't.
She didn't do it.
What?
It wasn't her.
Well how do you know?
Because it was me.
(GASPS)
I killed him.
INSPECTOR: What?
I thought you said it was Sonya.
Yes, that was a clever ruse.
I knew the true killer
would give themselves away.
Ah, put him in the slammer.
He needs to be tried first.
I have the power set by
the Council to judge him.
We shall hold the trial and
the sentencing right here.
CAPTAIN: You.
Captain.
May I have a moment with the prisoner?
The Inspector said I had to guard him
while he sets up the court proceedings.
But he didn't say I
couldn't have visitors.
He said no talking.
Sorry.
That's talking.
(GROANING)
Sorry.
(GROANING)
Bernard, Bernard, shh.
Captain please, just a moment.
He's a dangerous criminal,
I can't leave him alone.
I'm sure I'll be fine.
Besides you're not leaving him alone,
you're leaving him with me.
I, I could do with a, a toilet break.
You've got two minutes.
(GROANING)
What was that for?
I didn't say anything.
That was for Henrietta.
Oh Bernie, are you okay?
No, not really.
I don't think it's gonna
be a very fair trial.
I'm sure everything will be fine.
So I've spoken to Leonard.
Leonard?
The Inspector.
Right.
He's actually a very understanding man.
Really?
Yeah.
He thinks the hotel will
pass the inspection.
Oh but he doesn't think
Mildred is up for it.
What?
Well he doesn't think she's fit enough
to run the hotel on her own so...
No, weren't you talking to him about me.
Trying to make him go easy on me?
That's why I went to speak to him,
but the conversation seemed to change.
You are guilty.
I mean you did commit murder.
No I didn't.
You killed him.
You pushed him onto the knife.
Oh Bernie.
We had a good time.
But things change.
People grow and then you have to move on.
But, it's only been a day.
I'm sorry Bernie, truly I am.
Sonya.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
(GROANING)
Who would have thought
we'd get to see a trial on our honeymoon?
Yes, who would have thought?
I know you're innocent.
Thanks Mrs. Ellis.
(GAVEL BANGING)
(GASPS)
I pronounce this trial open.
We are here to try one Bernard Smithen
to determine if he's
guilty, which he clearly is,
of the murder of Cecil Farthing
and Henrietta the chicken.
Thank you.
The accused stand.
How do you plead to the charge of murder?
Guilty.
The defendant has pleaded guilty.
Guilty of falling of love.
Oh god.
Guilty of being led astray.
Guilty of thinking I could
make this hotel a better place.
Guilty of always...
Very good.
As you're quite clearly guilty.
It is just left for me to sentence you.
But before I do, is there
anybody that would like
to speak for Bernard's character?
I'll speak for him.
INSPECTOR: Go ahead,
the floor is yours.
Shame on you all.
Oh here we go.
This is Bernard sitting here beside us.
The man who's looked after us all.
Where's Dr. Lewis?
You normally have a good
word to say about him.
Bernard is the best man amongst us.
Sit down and shut up you old bag.
- And Henrietta the chicken.
- Order.
- He killed my Cecil.
- Order.
(EVERYONE SHOUTING OVER ONE ANOTHER)
I said order!
Thank you Mrs. Ellis, will you sit down.
That was, passionate.
Oh shut up, you pushy little man.
(GASPS)
Get out of my court.
Sorry love, I tried.
Thanks Mrs. Ellis, it helped.
I think.
Right, now that that's finished
is there anybody that would like to speak
against Bernard's character?
Furthermore, when was the last time
anyone had meat for breakfast?
And, he killed Henrietta.
No I didn't.
(GROANING)
Silence.
You've had your chance to say your piece.
No I haven't.
Silence.
Thank you Captain.
You make take a seat.
Right, is that it?
The crumpet hasn't spoken yet.
Huh?
Cuckoo.
Hmm, go ahead.
What can I say?
It is clear to everyone here
that Bernard is a simple fool.
But underneath that idiotic
demeanor is a manipulative man.
A greedy man.
A man who will kill to get his own way.
A man who doesn't have his own spine.
Not like a real man.
He is a murderous snake.
Well said.
I have made my decision.
In the case of Bernard Smithen
I hereby find you guilty of
murder in the first degree.
You shall be taken from the
place from whence you came
and from there to a place of execution
where you shall be hung
until your body be dead.
Dead.
Dead.
Dead.
Hang him.
To the gallows!
MR. THOMPSON: Murderer.
- No, wait, wait, wait.
- On your feet young man.
Just wait, no, no, no.
I think we can get a
better view from here.
Please, please, I demand a retrial.
No point, we'll still find you guilty.
Down.
- Weren't you my friend?
- Surely this is illegal?
I am the law.
I will explain everything.
I will, I'll explain it.
Sorry Bernard, you made your choice.
Any last words?
(DRUM ROLLING)
I loved you.
(GROANING)
I loved this hotel.
Very poetic.
Great.
How are you gonna run
the hotel without me?
We'll figure it out.
(GROANING)
(SPUTTERING)
(MOANING)
(PANTING)
You never let me play.
(CYMBALS CLASHING)
(SHOUTING DROWNED OUT BY CYMBALS CLASHING)
Shut him up.
Shut him up!
(CYMBALS CRASHING)
(THUDDING)
(GROANING)
Poor Bernard, just like Tweety.
(COUGHING)
(GROANING)
MR. FISHER: Oh my god, it's a miracle.
It's his fault, he's ruined it now.
I'll just have to shoot him.
MR. THOMPSON: You can't.
It's a miracle.
It ain't a freaking miracle.
You did this.
The hotel should belong
to the Council, to me.
We need the money.
I knew it, you snake.
Snake?
You bribed me into blaming Sonya.
Excuse me if I changed
my plans halfway through
after he admitted to it.
I mean who does that?
What fool admits to murder?
Well you can't.
The hotel is mine by law.
I am the law.
I think you should leave.
Do you?
Well let's not forget who
the Council Representative is here.
I condemn this property
and it belongs to the Council, to me.
Yeah, and me.
(GUN FIRES)
(CYMBALS CRASH)
(GROANING)
MR. THOMPSON: Leak!
(ALARM BLARING)
Please be okay.
Where do you think you're going?
To fix it before it's too late.
No, nobody leaves.
It's a leak.
Damn it.
I want a divorce.
Down down into the deep, down down!
(GROANING)
I'm trying to save the sub.
Let it sink.
(GROANING)
Ow.
(GROANING)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
Oh I'm so sorry, are you okay?
You slapped me.
(GROANING)
Ow.
Oh sorry.
Come here.
(GROANING)
Why don't you just die?
(SCREAMING)
(GROANING)
I win.
(GUN CLICKS)
Bad luck.
(GROANING)
(ALARM BLARING)
(SHOUTING)
Somebody should go and help him.
No, I won't go.
You're a military man, you go.
Uh, no, it's not really my job.
And besides the man did say
he was from the Council.
(GASPING)
You.
What the hell happened to you?
He's killed again.
No I haven't, he's still alive.
Just incapacitated.
I need your help.
We're gonna sink.
Oh typical.
How is this my fault?
MR. THOMPSON: Doomed.
That's it boys, our final voyage.
(PEACEFUL MUSIC)
No, wait, listen.
If we all work together we can save it.
I just need your help.
This hotel has supported us.
It's kept us warm and safe.
We owe it to her to try.
Bernard, it's okay.
He's right.
We should do something.
Everyone grab something
useful and follow Bernard.
Where did she go?
I think she's abandoning ship.
MR. THOMPSON: Get her!
No, no wait.
Wait, no.
(CYMBALS CRASHING)
No!
No wait, please, please,
please help me Sonya.
We can still rescue the
hotel, we can have it all.
No it's too late, you have to let it go.
It's everyone for themselves.
But I used to love you.
Oh don't be such a fool
all your life Bernard.
(ALARM BLARING)
Fool.
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC)
MRS. FISHER: Out of my way.
Give me one.
Leave us.
Mildred, it's women and children first.
We are paying guests.
I'm with the whore, women first.
Just attach yourselves.
Mrs. Ellis?
Mrs. Ellis we need to go.
And you thought it was all over.
(THUDDING)
(MOANS)
Got him this time.
Come on, we need to go.
Oh, is it cocktail time?
- Out of my way.
- Hurry up.
(EVERYONE SHOUTING OVER ONE ANOTHER)
No one move.
Now I didn't want to do this.
But you've left me with no choice.
Give me the masks.
What?
You heard him give him the masks.
CAPTAIN: No.
No, your mask.
Now!
Good.
Now Sonya.
Bernard, surely you don't mean me?
Yes Sonya, now.
Told you we should've tipped him.
Shut up.
Now we're gonna leave.
And I'm sorry, but you're
all gonna stay here.
You are condemning us.
You condemned yourselves.
Join me, join me.
We can have a party.
Bernard, let us out or you're fired.
I quit.
Sonya, you speak to him.
Make him see sense.
Bernard.
Bernard please listen to me.
We're sorry.
Oh we've been fools.
Bernard if we all went together
than we can fix this I'm sure.
Just help us out.
Did you ever love me?
- Yes.
- Yes, say yes.
Or was it all to get the hotel?
I...
Because I loved you.
I know, just help us out.
But I've changed, you said it.
It's everyone for themselves.
You scummy little maggot.
(EVERYONE TALKING OVER ONE ANOTHER)
Don't do this.
You fool.
You silly woman.
I think you should know,
I killed your chicken.
CAPTAIN: Her name...
What?
What is it?
You're better than this.
(SIGHS)
(GROANING)
(MOANING)
(METAL CRACKING)
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC)
(SOBBING)
(SOBBING)
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC)
That is that.
(SOBBING)
Where's Dr. Lewis and The Inspector?
(ALARM BLARING)
(MOANING)
Looky here.
Well what now?
We find a new hotel.
(GROANING)
You've got a leak.
(EVERYONE TALKING OVER ONE ANOTHER)
Doomed!
MILDRED: Sit down.
MRS. FISHER: I told you
there is not enough for us.
SONYA: Shut up.
You can keep your bunkers
Your gas mask chic
When bombs come down
Buildings start to creak
I won't be in the square
Nor the place by the well
I'll be with my rabbits
foot prepared to sail
Welcome to The Fitzroy Hotel
Please enjoy your stay
The Margate Riviera
They place to get away
The rooms are very cozy
Staff are at your call
Poison gas, balderdash
Take it in the view, it won't kill you
There's space for all
(LAUGHING)
(CHEERFUL MUSIC)
The train leaves at midnight
away from poisoned air
From London we fly air balloon
non-stop to Margate Pier
We're all aboard the night
boat, it's a one way trip
All aboard the leaving party
going down with the ship
Welcome to The Fitzroy Hotel
Please enjoy your stay
The Margate Riviera
It's the place to get away
The rooms are very cozy
The staff are at your call
Poison gas, balderdash
Take in the view, it won't kill you
There's space for all
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
Now we're on The Fitzroy
It's worse than death
Well I'd rather poison
gas than sleep in that bed
Stewed prunes for breakfast
Leaks down the hull
Entertainment stinks like a dirty girl
Oh no
Welcome to The Fitzroy Hotel
Please enjoy your stay
The Margate Riviera
The place to get away
Rooms are very cozy
The staff are at your call
Poison gas, balderdash
Take in the view, it won't kill you
There's space for all
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
The Fitzroy Hotel
Please enjoy stay
First I was entranced lessers of evil
Cabaret and pay to see me as you may
A note from me to show a little skirt
For I have played the femme fatale
Lulu, Nano, I know them all
But underneath grand facade
Is a little girl who
needs a cradling arm
And an open heart to
help her on her path
Of this lifetime of trying
Of trying to achieve
Impossible dreams