The Floaters (2025) Movie Script

1
Only money on your mind
What a way to spend a life
Green color glasses
in front of your eyes
Not worth a dime
You're a walking clich
With your $100 bouquet
Are those roses for me
Or the grave of humanity
Such a pussy
Planning for the future
401K Man,
you're not okay, man
All about money
You're sick in the head
-[upbeat music]
-[crowd cheering]
[Nomi groaning]
[upbeat music continues]
[slow upbeat music]
[rubber creaks]
-[crowd exclaims]
-[liquid squelches]
[upbeat music]
Whoo!
Dude! Yo!
Okay, for starters, your
crash sounded fire tonight.
Can you guys believe
that in two days
we're going to be in Barcelona?
Like, yo, dude!
You okay?
Do you remember
that TV star
we saw on open mic night,
Madison Fay?
She has a massive IG following,
and she could really
help boost ticket sales.
What?
We've unanimously voted
to cut you.
All two of you.
Have, have unanimously voted?
So you can go on tour with
the chick from Dating Naked?
Do you even hear yourself?
She actually does a really
good cover of Carly Rae Jepsen.
You're telling me this two days
before we're supposed to leave?
I already sublet my
fucking apartment, dude!
Nome, we've been trying
to tell you.
You're constantly going
for shock value
and frankly,
it compromises the art.
Well, frankly, you both
are about to be a paradigm
of artistic integrity on tour
with a girl who shows her tits
on reality television.
[speaks Hebrew]
[soft upbeat music]
[sighs] I had a lot
of firsts here. Oh!
A lot of firsts.
Wow. Okay.
Hey, look at that cutie!
Shabbat Shalom, honey!
Newly divorced dad
energy, right here. Sorry.
You are gonna have so
much fun this summer.
It's gonna look so good
for your college applications.
[clicks tongue]
So is everyone here
gonna be like Jewish-Jewish?
I don't know, Jonah,
it's a Jewish summer camp,
so chances are.
[chuckles] Oh, God.
You know, they better not
make me wear
one of those weird
black box things.
It's called a tefillin,
and I doubt it.
Do you have any idea
what a great networking
opportunity this is?
Oh, you're gonna meet a kid.
I want you to be super nice
to him.
His name is Evan Gold.
His mom--
-Debbie.
-Debbie Gold.
-Mm-hmm, yes.
-Yes!
Head of the Yale
admissions committee.
Yeah. Yeah, Dad,
I know, okay? I know.
Please don't bring your Yale
rejection issues into this.
Hey, I was not rejected
from Yale.
I was on the waitlist.
I'm serious, kid,
don't screw this up,
it's your future.
-[gentle bright music]
-[passengers chattering]
Five bucks to stop.
[gentle bright music]
What's up with
all the chauffeurs?
Camp Barak, our rival camp.
We've had beef with those
trust fund turds for decades.
Oh! Jewish leadership camp.
[bright upbeat music]
[upbeat music]
[crowd chattering]
I thought you came here
to dance
But it seems you had
other plans
What's there to talk about
-[speaks Hebrew] I'm out.
-What happened?
I told them they were not
allowed to exchange underwear.
And?
Oh! You know what,
we're gonna fix this.
Uh, I'm gonna send you
to Rabbi Rachel.
She's amazing
with the gum extraction--
Honestly, Mara, the
shining twins are too much.
[bright music]
You either got it
or you don't
I just can't take
another interruption
I know you probably
have good intentions
You either got it
or you don't
Hey, can I call you back?
I'm in the middle
of an FDOC emergency.
Oh, my God, oh, my God,
of course, it's the
first day of camp. [sobs]
-Are you crying?
-What? No!
I know when you're crying,
you make this weird noise
like a congested weasel.
What's going on?
I'm supposed to be at the
airport about to go on tour,
but my, my whole band
kicked me out.
-That's awful.
-[Nomi sobbing]
But amazing.
What?
I mean, I'm, I'm so sorry
to hear that.
I know you worked
so hard for that,
but the timing couldn't
be more perfect.
I just had a team member quit.
I'm desperate. You're desperate.
Oh, my God, you gotta come
to Camp Daveed for the summer.
Mara, no! Did you not hear
a single word I just said?
What are you gonna do?
Stay at home all summer,
smoking joints
and staring at the ceiling,
when you could be here,
exercising your incredible
creativity?
Oh, the kids are gonna
love you.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Remember what the counselor said
when you didn't wanna do
ropes course?
Don't be a Nomi.
Be a yes-me. Exactly.
-[soft upbeat music]
-Just get outta here
[phone chiming]
Say you're gonna try
and make it work
Or just get outta here
Yeah, get on outta here,
work or just get outta here
Say you won't give up
You make it work
Or just get outta here
Yeah, get outta here
Work or just get
outta here
You know, since 1946,
kids have been coming here
from every part of the country.
Most consider it
their second home.
Look around. What do you see?
A bunch of old Jew names?
Correct. Bunch of old Jew names.
Some of these old Jew names
have been here for 80 years.
You know how they got up here?
The Holocaust.
What? No.
When you leave a place you love,
usually, you take a piece
of it with you, right?
But here at Camp Daveed,
you leave a part
of yourself behind.
[gentle upbeat music]
-[Manny] Manny for Mara.
-[Mara] Yep, go for Mara.
Septic tank
is overflowing.
Yes, I know.
I called the plumber.
- The one with the--
-Yes,
we're gonna get him a t-shirt.
-It's gonna be fine.
-Okay, new seminar idea!
Torah without God.
-Wow.
-Or actually,
all the ways that Torah has
excluded or offended you.
I love it. Yeah, um, I love it.
I-I just don't know
if we'll be able to publish
that in the bulletin.
Mara, we have to start
talking about the hard stuff.
Guns, gender, race,
politics, Israel.
I agree, I just, every time
a kid changes their gender,
or politics, or hair color,
I have to deal with
a two-hour phone call.
-Plumber's here.
-[Mara] Oh, good.
He says it's better to replace
the whole thing.
-What? How much?
-[Jeff] 150K.
[laughs] 150.
How much to fix
and not fully replace?
Uh, 30K.
Okay, we need a second opinion.
That was the second opinion.
[Rachel] Do we have 30 grand?
[Jeff] Have you seen this place?
[machine rumbling]
[washing machine rattling]
[phone chimes]
Oh hey, Mara. Is Camp
Da-weeb game this year?
Or are you a bunch of...?
[imitating chickens clucking]
Camp Barak wants to revive
our old Maccabiah rivalry.
Ugh, Camp Barak.
-Ugh.
-Bunch of bros.
Real bummer for the name Barak.
[soft upbeat music]
[Nomi] Ooh.
Thanks.
[soft upbeat music continues]
[Nomi groans]
Wetspot just locked himself
in the trunk of a car.
Who did? Who?
[sighs]
What you doing?
This is a limited edition
Planeswalker.
Shut the trunk, walk away,
and she's yours.
Ashiok, Sculptor of Fears, huh?
Hm. What about that one?
You, you, you don't,
you don't want that one.
[Nomi] Oh yeah. Huh.
-Good doing business.
-[Wetspot] Wait!
-Wait, wait, wait, hold on.
-Never date a drummer.
But if you do, make sure he
is a Swedish prog drummer
with a penchant
for a Magic card collection.
That way, if your van
breaks down,
you're in the middle of Napoli,
sell the Oko, Thief of Crowns
card to get home.
'Cause fun fact, hell, the
puppy's worth about 4K on eBay.
-[Wetspot] Win, okay?
-Ready to come out?
[group chattering]
Well played. My summer's ruined.
Join the club, kid.
Good luck.
All right, no iPads, iPhones,
or other emoji-making
devices beyond this point.
Hey, hey, combat boots.
Nobody gets by
without a lice check.
You're Nomi, right?
I hear you're a musician.
Sort of.
I'm actually working
on some binaural beats
for the campers.
You know,
some, uh, gamma waves
to keep 'em focused.
Some beta waves to irk them
in case we need a little space.
That's giving real,
uh, beta vibes.
Yes, girl, block him.
It's the only way to get
over it. Trust me.
-What are you, nine?
-Ten, actually.
I'm on my third breakup,
it's rough.
One word. Unfollow.
Yeah, I think, um,
I think I got it. Thank you.
-She misunderstands
-[Mara squeals]
She's here. [laughs]
-Oh!
-She's really here.
Oh!
-Hi, buddy.
-Hi. [giggles]
Oh, I feel so bad for that kid.
Her friend specifically
asked not to be in her cabin.
Oh, I wonder,
maybe she has trust issues,
because her friends
lured her to camp
-under false pretenses.
-[Manny] Mara, Mara, Mara.
-Ooh!
-Mara, Mara, Mara.
- Mara, Mara, Mara.
-I gotta go.
Your cabin is marked,
and if you wanna work
on those trust issues
at our new ropes course,
I-I suggest that.
Oh, I'll never go to a ropes
course, but that's obvious.
-Mm. Okay.
-[Nomi] Love you.
Bye. Love you.
One
May I shine forever
May I learn to love
-[Nomi grunting]
-[feet stomping]
-[gentle upbeat music]
-Don't let me be lonely
Take some time tonight
I know that you can show me
The difference I'm alive
-[insects chirping]
-[vocalist singing faintly]
[Nomi] What are you looking at?
I'm looking for Bereshit.
Why would a bear, why would
a bear sheet on the moon?
[laughs] Bereshit!
If you paid attention
in Hebrew class,
you'd know that it means
in the beginning.
It was Israel's lunar rocket,
remember?
I mean, it was no bigger
than a laundry machine,
but it had a time capsule in it
with, like,
children's drawings,
memoirs from Holocaust
survivors, an Israeli flag.
I was so amped to
recreate it with the kids.
So curious to see what they'd
wanna send to the moon.
But then, it crashed.
I just wanted to give them
a happy story about our people.
-You know?
-It's called Beresheet?
You know what, I'm feeling
like I do kinda remember
what you're talking about.
The Google X competition,
bullshit Orwellian prizes.
You are such a Nomi.
The floaters are gonna love you.
Who are the floaters?
You know, the kids that didn't
sign up for any activities.
They don't wanna follow
the rules. Your people.
I follow the rules.
[laughs] Do you remember
the last Maccabiah Games?
Do what you're good at, okay?
Be creative with them.
And I left a stack
of Fiddler plays
at the Beit Am, just in case.
Oh! Great.
Just keep 'em out of trouble,
okay,
and everyone goes home happy.
You got it, boss.
Follow the rules.
Don't be a Nomi.
[slow drums music]
[Tums] I mean, this game is
really mentally challenging.
-Like, I can't really--
-I live through this game.
-[Tums] You live through
this game?
-[Wetspot] When I play this game
-I take a bird's eye view, I--
-Are you kidding me?
-I sacrifice--
-Are you kidding me
right now?
Oh, my God. Do you?
[slow drums music continues]
Anyways, do you have
a Heart Harness?
[voice drowned by music]
[Wetspot] It doesn't matter.
You can't hurt me in the stream.
[Tums] What?
[Wetspot] Like,
I know if you play that,
you're setting everything
up just so you could,
like, gang up on me
immediately, so instead--
[Tums] No, that's not it.
That's not it at all.
[Wetspot] Well, okay.
Just in case you were going
to say that.
-[slow drums music continues]
-[Wetspot speaking faintly]
Draw two cards.
Draw two cards?
When did you play that card?
Where did you get that card?
[Tums and Wetspot chattering]
Could he not?
Like, could he actually
just like be normal?
[coughs] Snitch.
[Dahlias giggling]
Okay, I'm gonna start coughing.
[coughs]
-[door thuds]
-[slow drums music continues]
Oh, they're still
teaching this trash fire
of shtetl cliches.
Kill me.
You should give
a trigger warning
before you talk about death.
Yeah, maybe at least
introduce yourself
before unloading
all of that energy onto people.
Oh, thank you
for that teachable moment.
[Dahlia 1 coughs]
-We don't feel good.
-Can we go, ma'am?
You both don't feel good?
-[Dahlia 2] No. [coughs]
-[Dahlia 1] Mm-mmm.
Suddenly, just now, like, both
of you at the exact same time?
Whoa. Okay.
Well, everybody, uh,
excuse me for a second,
I'll be right back.
I'll walk these two gals
to the infirmary. Come on, guys.
No, we're good.
You don't need to.
Just only 'cause I
went to this camp, right,
and so, this crazy thing
would happen
when I would walk back
from the nurse's office,
I would get lost every time,
it's wild.
-I think we feel better.
-We're good. Feel better.
We're good.
[Nomi] Ooh, great.
What happens now?
Usually Becca starts with a
Meisner repetition exercise.
[Tums And Wetspot] Usually,
Becca starts us with
a Meisner repetition exercise.
Just repeating?
We could try a spitball contest.
Winner hocks
the furthest loogie.
Ooh, or cloud watching.
You in the back.
How did you escape
the phone police?
-You were dealt damage.
-Oh, that's Tal.
Don't bother with that one.
They can't hear you.
[Dahlia 1]
They've got an exception.
It's an emotional support
phone for their anxiety.
And um, who are you?
I'm One-Nut.
Those are the Dahlias,
Wetspot, Tums.
Lindsey,
who the whole camp hates,
because she basically narced
on a counselor last year.
And I don't know
who that weirdo is.
Seems like we're the
ones who weren't Jewish-y
or leader-y enough.
Speak for yourself.
And why are you here, One-Nut?
Because you East Coast libs
are exclusionary hypocrites.
He bragged all last summer
about being, like,
an expert marksman,
and then missed every
archery shot at Maccabiah.
And lost it for the whole team.
Okay, for the 100th time,
I am a sharp shooter
of firearms.
That is not the same thing.
-[coughs] Hick
-[One-Nut] Commie.
-[Tal] Fascist.
-Bite me, snitch.
Okay, let, why don't we
cool it with a name-calling?
She is, though.
All right, the reasons
we're here don't matter.
When we walk through this door,
we are gonna attempt
to make some version of art.
And art is about shifting
identities, right?
Art is about breaking
social constructs.
-[Dahlia 1 snores]
-Um, what if we?
No, not what if,
like, we are going to,
'cause I'm the T, I'm T,
I'm the authority figure.
So, I-I've thought
of this before now,
and it's gonna be a challenge
where you each pick a play.
Yep? Adapt the play.
So you'll just use the text
and sort of transform it
into your own original idea.
Every idea is derivative.
And also it wouldn't be original
if it was an adaptation.
-Where did you study?
-Sorry?
She means, like, do you
have a theater degree?
[Dahlia 2] Like, did
you study at Juilliard?
I'm a musician...
mostly.
You know, and I tend bar.
You got a band?
I had a band.
And, um, we are actually
supposed to be on tour
in Europe right now, so.
[snorts] And now, you're
just stuck with us
in this kumbaya shit hole?
Brutal.
Yeah, well.
Why don't we...
wrap this up
as soon as humanly possible
and get back to
our normal lives?
Adaptation ideas due tomorrow.
Best one gets put up
on his feet.
That doesn't exactly represent
the collaborative spirit
of Camp Daveed.
Right, well,
we are gonna do things
a little differently
this summer,
where we focus on you
each discovering
your own voice.
'Cause I promise you,
it's all you got.
[door clicks]
-[door thuds]
-Is that class?
So she's condescending
and she locks kids in trunks.
Bye.
Well, I mean, I was,
I locked myself in the trunk.
Then she like, ugh, whatever.
[bright upbeat music]
It is what it is. You
gotta let me do it, anyway.
-[Mara groaning]
-[pipe creaking]
Ah! Oh!
So, you're the camp plumber now?
[chuckles] Well,
your dad would be proud.
Well, it can't be any
worse than that shit box
that broke down on us
on our way to Dave Matthews.
Tell anyone I like
Dave Matthews, and I kill you.
[water hissing]
-Oh!
-[Nomi] Mar!
-Turn it!
-Oh, my God!
-Mar, turn, I, no!
-[Mara shrieks]
Oh, my God. Mara!
Mara, it's getting in
all over our faces.
-[Mara] Okay.
-[Nomi] Turn it!
-Okay, stop. Stop, stop!
-Turn it!
-[pipe creaks]
-Oh! [gasps]
[upbeat rock music]
[tires crunching]
Well, well, well.
Isn't this a familiar sight?
Gosh, I think the last time
that I saw you two together,
you were pigs in mud eating shit
in a Maccabiah three-legged.
What's this asshole doing here?
Oh, Nomi, did that music
career not work out for you?
You know, I meant
to buy one of your records.
Did you?
Did you never put one out?
You're boring, dude.
Daniel, I told you,
no Maccabiah. Get outta here.
And I came to tell you
that I'm sweetening the deal.
15K to the winning camp,
my donor's throwing in to
spice up the old camp rivalry.
30K, and you have a deal.
What are, what are
you talking about, Mar?
Oh, [laughs] double?
Wow, that's bold.
Boy, Mara, you've really come
into your own, haven't you?
You're no longer a scrawny
brown-noser in a training bra?
Oh, funny, 'cause you're still
a scrawny brown-noser
in a training bra, Dan.
This is a sweat-wicking
athletic undergarment.
Mark Wahlberg wears them.
Yeah, okay. Bye, Daniel.
We'll see you at Maccabiah.
Yeah, okay, well,
normally, I'd shake on it,
but, uh,
your hands are disgusting.
Oh, you sure
you don't wanna quick?
Yeah, 'cause I can
still kick your, ass, Dan!
-No. [chuckles]
-Yeah, why don't you
stay back there?
Should fight with your mind,
Nomi.
I'll have my donor send
the agreement, okay?
Yeah, everyone knows
the donor is your dad, Daniel.
"I'm gonna get my daddy
to sign the agreement."
-I sign my own paperwork.
-[Nomi] "My daddy signs them."
-Yeah, bye.
-Just go!
What are you doing, Mar?
The septic system is
more important than my pride.
Okay, no offense,
Camp Daveed doesn't exactly
have star athletes,
and Barak always kills it,
so, yeah, I don't see this
going especially well.
We're gonna make it up
in other ways. Okay?
You are gonna turn
those floaters
into star thespians, I know it.
In my pocket
High class with the cashews
Rap truth for me
I'm gonna get mine
Water plants in the backyard
If I get time
Bodega bars
TV watching jets fly
Brush my teeth,
Zoom call with lawyers
Get a bagel out in Bed-Stuy
Everything egg
with a cheese
Check my phone
Got not one text
from a freak
-[dishes clattering]
-[Stan] Fuck me!
-Everybody got a problem
-[alarm chiming]
[Stan] Kiss the kippah,
it dropped on the floor.
Just an average day
with the ups and downs
-But guess what
-What
-I'm up right now
-I'm here for kitchen duty.
-Hello?
-Ups and downs
Ah.
[speaks in foreign language]
Yeah, dinner in seven hours.
I'm sure you know your way
around an immersion circulator,
which we don't have,
'cause you, my friend,
have something better.
Groundhog Day
Dillz Murray with the flow
-Hit the accountant
-Sorry, I, is this for cooking?
Sous vide.
Aren't you my new sous chef?
[sous vide clatters]
Just me charging my phone
Every summer, I ask
for a figure skater,
and they give me
a squirrel on roller skates.
Milchig on the left,
fleishig on the right.
Milchig dishwasher is down,
so we are doubling up.
Never red and blue
in the same load.
Never run it without
scrubbing the filter
and sanitizing
at 180 degrees in between.
Speaking of which.
Hey, are you Jewish?
How am I supposed to know
if you're Jewish, huh?
You gonna show me your dick?
Or are you gonna wear a kippah?
Don't show me your dick.
Someone recognize me
from the game
Is it fame
Ooh, yeah, now, you look like
you belong in my kitchen.
A kitchen responsible
for 40 gallons
of New York's finest
hand-churned ice cream.
Oh, it's moist. Oh, it's thick.
Are we still talking
about ice cream?
Competition starts in an hour.
Mashgiach will be here
any second.
[Jonah] The who?
Kosher cop.
You're on dairy spoons.
Go find Yoni. Yoni!
Goddamn, man,
I'm just waking up
Time to wake up
Meditate bro
'Cause I get it in a flash
with the money in my pocket
[Yoni hocking]
-[Yoni spits]
-I'm gonna get mine
Water plants in the
backyard if I get time
Who the fuck are you?
I'm looking for Yoni?
Ah. Come with me.
Pens are 20, carts are 30.
Yeah, I'm good, thanks.
Stan sent me to get spoons
for some contest thing?
Dairy spoons are in the kitchen.
Hey, who's that for?
[fly buzzing]
Why do you care?
What are you?
You a fuckin' rat?
Ratty Boy.
Whoa, come on, come on,
come on. Not the duct tape!
I'm Evan.
Is this ape harassing you?
Jonah. He spit in the ice cream.
No, really?
I don't see any spit in here.
You see any?
I saw him do it.
There's some more
in the kitchen.
[bucket clatters]
Mm.
Oh, I see it now. [laughs]
[Yoni laughs]
Dude, it's chill.
It's for the mashgiach.
Payback from last year.
This dude made us scrub every
single dish in this place
over some stupid shit.
He's an asshole,
but he loves strawberry
ice cream. [chuckles]
And he's gonna eat
all those tubs?
Oh, we're gonna tell
the hot girls not to eat
the strawberry.
Only cucks and Magic card
kids eat strawberry, anyway.
Where you from, Jonah?
-Jersey.
-Oh, okay, yeah.
'Cause you remind me a little
of this frum kid
who wet the bed.
You a bed wetter, Jonah?
You a bed wetter? [laughs]
Finally Yoni, right here,
and the CIT, they get
so disgusted by this kid,
they tie him up in his underwear
and hang him feet first from
the meat hooks in there.
All the girls in camp
saw his junk.
Oh, you hate to see it.
Look, I won't tell anyone,
all right?
Just don't serve it to kids.
-[Evan sighs]
-Bro, like,
how could we be sure, though?
Your turn.
-No.
-Hock one, bitch!
Or it's duct tape
and meat hooks.
Hmm?
Fine. Fine!
[Jonah spits]
[Evan] There you go.
Oh hey, Lindsey,
come over and join us.
Lindsey. Lindsey, come here.
Hey, dude,
don't worry about her.
She's not gonna tell anybody.
Nobody'd listen
to her if she did, anyway.
[Stan] Where is
my ice cream parade?
And must I pray this lamb
salt itself?
Go get the spoons, noob.
It's teamwork. Love to see it.
-[crowd chattering]
-[soft upbeat music]
[spoons clattering]
[buckets clattering]
-[crowd continues chattering]
-[soft upbeat music continues]
Hey, hey!
Hey.
That's the mashgiach.
Tried to shut down
my kitchen last year.
Something about cross-breeding
grapes being traif.
He's a shakedown artist.
Wait a second. She's the rabbi?
Hello, hello!
With Sodom's neighbor's
boundary issues
fresh in our minds
from this morning's prayers,
let us now expand our
understanding of boundaries
from the personal to the
geopolitical and edible.
Let the Israel ice cream
cartography contest begin!
-[crowd clapping]
-Whoo!
-Yeah!
-Whoo!
-Whoo!
-Whoo! Yeah!
-[vocalist singing in Hebrew]
-[bright upbeat music]
Ah, Jerusalem under
an international trusteeship.
-Let me guess.
-The UN partition plan map.
What's this?
The Hasmonean dynasty?
[chuckles]
No, look at the sprinkles.
It's a divided kingdom.
6th century BC.
[bright upbeat music]
Look at these fudge
partitions. Very creative.
[sighs] Wait. Wait, does it?
Is it possible that this
resolves the conflict?
[rapper singing faintly]
-[Jonah] Hey!
-What do you need?
Uh, I just wanted to make sure
these were the spoons
-you wanted out, right?
-Six foot on the right wing
[bucket thuds]
Absolutely nothing
and pretending
Forget lovers are
a piece of cake
Yourself included
You can't
[footsteps tapping]
And the winner is--
-[birds chirping]
-[crowd chattering]
Traif! Traif!
Traif! Traif!
[panting]
He put the fleishig spoons
-in the milchig!
-[crowd screaming]
Spoon, spoon, spoon.
[crowd chattering]
Okay, everyone!
[Tali] Ugh, you can't
put meat spoons in dairy.
[Stu Stein's Twin Brother]
Spoon. Spoon, spoon, spoon!
[camper coughs]
[camper retches]
Okay, so that was a...
Feel like that was
an overreaction.
-What do you think?
-That was slight. Just.
[crowd chattering]
That fucking guy.
-[crowd chattering]
-[birds chirping]
[dishes clattering]
This is gonna cost a fortune.
Every single item in this
kitchen needs to be cleaned.
And I mean real clean this time,
Yoni, with real soap!
Scrubbed and blessed!
Water's at 212.
Now it's time
for the tongs, boys.
Hey! Hey, that won't cut it.
[items clattering]
What's this for?
-[shovel scraping]
-[insects chirping]
What do you want?
Just wanted to say thanks.
[Jonah] For?
For stealing my crown as
the most hated person at camp.
You're welcome. Congrats.
How long do you have
to bury these for?
Oh, you know, just, uh, forever.
Can't believe people still
do this medieval crap.
It's, it's so fucking stupid.
It's not stupid.
It's respectful.
The Orthodox kids
wouldn't be able
to come to camp
if it wasn't kosher.
Mara tries to make this
place for everyone.
Yeah, and uh, how's
that working out for you?
Look,
I'm sorry that you messed up
your initiation into
Yoni's gang of douche bros,
but maybe if you paid attention
to our medieval traditions,
you would've known
which spoons to grab.
What are you talking about?
That's why you did it, right?
Why you spit into the ice cream?
To impress the kitchen mafia?
[Jonah scoffs]
[solemn music continues]
-[birds chirping]
-[Jonah sighs]
[spoons clattering]
[upbeat music]
[Manny speaking Hebrew]
Rabbi Rachel
will be leading
a text study on feminist
sexual ethics in the field.
And at noon, debate:
Did Jewish summer camp
really brainwash Seth Rogan?
And in breaking news,
instead of our annual
intra-camp Maccabiah,
for the first time in 19 years,
Camp Daveed will battle
it out with Camp Barak!
-[campers cheering]
- Rock your ruach!
-They say I'm nobody
-[upbeat music]
But I'm nobody else's
nobody
Nobody, you can take
[Tums] You see that?
You see that?
Right now I'm gonna attack,
and you lost two points,
right now.
So now it's 17-19
and I am winning.
We are no longer tied.
How do you feel now?
Good morning.
Uh, as you probably heard,
Camp Daveed is participating
in the Maccabiah Games
against Camp Barak.
And shocker, everyone
in this room
has been assigned
to the skit competition.
So, look around and say hello
to your Maccabiah teammates.
Hello. Hello.
None of us signed up
for Maccabiah.
So typical, force all the kids
who don't sign up
for anything onto a stage.
Okay, for what it's worth,
I don't disagree,
but you guys,
it doesn't have to suck.
At least we're not doing
Fiddler
for the 4,000th summer in a row.
And besides, the Barak Bros
are gonna bring nothing
but vanilla garbage,
we could beat them!
So I was thinking,
maybe we workshop
one of your adaptations.
Anyone?
No?
And does anybody wanna
share what they worked on?
Okay, I realize I just gave
you guys this assignment,
so, you don't have to be shy,
it's totally cool
if it's half-baked.
Um, I, uh, actually,
I adapted Wicked .
Uh, and in my version
Elphaba and Glinda are 16,
but they're like
super different.
But they do everything together,
until the Tin Man
and everyone in Munchkinland
ruins everything.
And everyone's skin
will be painted green,
except for Elphaba's.
And everyone will treat Elphaba
like a leper because of it.
And it's also because
all the little Munchkins,
the green Munchkins
in Munchkinland,
they're all brainwashed.
I don't know.
Munchkinland sounds kinda like
when you got Zach fired
last summer.
Okay.
I heard you had Zach
pour vodka
in your water bottle,
then puked matzo balls
all over the soccer field.
Yeah, we heard you
were tripping on edibles
and then kicked a vodka
bottle like a soccer ball.
Do you guys have, like,
nothing better to talk about?
Okay, great. Thank you
all so much for that.
Lindsey, that was, that was
actually pretty ambitious.
Anyone else?
Does anybody else
wanna share anything?
Did literally anyone
else do the assignment?
Wait.
-I think, I think Jonah did.
-[Jonah] No, I didn't.
Yes, you did. It's in your bag.
I see--
What are you doing?
Hey!
It's right here. It's this.
Okay, um.
You, you, you definitely
did something.
The board of Sodom
and Gomorrah University
ranked students righteous
versus wicked perversity.
But Lot said,
"Don't get wicked twisted,
angels danced topless
before those rules existed."
Oh, "And had righteous
butt sex."
-[group laughs]
-Oh, my God.
Wha, I'm sorry, that
is so inappropriate.
And that was not even
the assignment.
That's not even a play.
[Tums] You adapted
the horniest Torah portion?
[One-Nut] Yeah, I-I mean,
isn't Sodom and Gomorrah
about gay sex?
Okay, so you were going
for a Little Dicky vibe.
[Dahlias giggle]
Uh, where are you ladies going?
[Dahlias] Hm?
You need to, um, write
down your preferred role
for the show before you leave.
Mm-mmm.
Yeah.
Rehearsals start tomorrow.
Hey!
Nomi, hey!
Hi. They, uh, they don't wanna
do my play.
Why not?
No taste, I guess.
Come on, it was a joke.
[chuckles] I know, it
was a very funny joke.
Well, we can't actually do it.
-[Nomi] Why not?
-Are you serious?
Uh, we'd all get kicked
outta camp.
Do you like what you wrote?
I don't know.
I-I think it's funny.
Well then who cares
what anyone else thinks?
Production meeting after lunch.
Way to dig yourself
into another hole, Spoony.
[campers chattering]
[phone chimes]
Uh, what is it? [sighs]
[somber music]
Oh!
-[birds chirping]
-[footsteps crunching]
[clicks tongue] Aw, you
did not unfollow, huh?
[sobbing] They're staying
in the hotel in Prague
that I booked for us,
I'm the one who booked it.
Sweetie, I hate to tell
you this, but this is on you.
You're fighting gravity.
She's not even an artist.
She's not an artist.
She just collabs on Instagram
with fuckin' edible nail
polish brands, okay?
Okay. [sighs]
-[solemn music]
-[birds chirping]
So, there is, uh,
this old Polish rabbi,
Simcha Bunim,
he's got a famous saying:
"In every coat,
there should be two pockets.
And in one pocket
should be a piece of paper
that reads [speaks Hebrew].
'The world was created for me.'
And then in the second pocket,
there should be another piece
of paper,
and on that is written...
[speaks Hebrew]
'I am but dust and ashes.'"
[solemn music continues]
[Nomi groans]
[solemn music continues]
[groans] You'll be fine.
[solemn music continues]
[footsteps rustling]
[Nomi sighs]
[bright music]
[Manny] Good morning,
Camp Daveed!
And here!
Good, good, round, good!
[Manny] As you train
for the Maccabiah Games,
let's see the champions
that you are.
Taste the sweat, relish
the bruises, pain is gain.
Don't forget, we're in
the trenches together.
Teamwork is the dream work.
[Yoni and Evan grunting]
The honor of the camp
rests on your shoulders.
-[Yoni and Evan yelling]
-[upbeat music]
Oh, and for the kids working
on the skit, break a leg.
You of Sodom, rejection letters
sweep kids off the planet.
They cease to exist.
To the worst place of all,
the effing wait list.
Professors flush
applications and essays,
celebrate at faculty schlong
raves, which can last for days.
[group] And have righteous
butt sex.
This is so stupid.
I actually kinda like it.
Okay. Why is that?
Well, on the surface,
it's trash.
But whether
he realizes it or not,
it's actually kinda smart.
Like, there's this subtext
which recontextualizes
the power structures
baked into sex, religion,
and elite academia.
It's like a joke, but serious,
in that it removes
the homophobia
inherent in
the modern translation
and reverts the text
back to its original intent.
What original intent?
That the real sin of Sodom,
and why it was destroyed by God,
was inhospitality, not butt sex.
Hm!
Lindsey, any thoughts?
Yeah, um, I think it's dumb.
Tums?
I mean, uh, yeah, it is dumb,
but, I mean, I-I kinda like it.
[chuckles]
One-Nut?
Uh, yeah, I mean,
I could help build a set
or something,
but it goes against
my cultural beliefs.
I think.
-[group yelling]
-[balls thudding]
What? What the?
[dramatic music]
-[campers screaming]
-[suspenseful music]
-Get him!
-Get him!
-[Camper 1] Ah!
-Get him!
[campers yelling]
What the hell?
-Get down, get down!
-[energetic upbeat music]
Shabbat Shalom, everyone.
Camp Barak has been up
since 3 a.m.
-training on the ropes course.
-[camper screaming]
That's hours of preparation
in the dark.
What is Camp Daveed
doing to prepare?
[Nomi] Such a loser, Dan!
-Bring it on!
-Not very impressive.
[energetic upbeat music]
Didn't have to be this way.
Shabbat Shalom.
[Nomi] Bye, douche bag!
I've worked way too hard for
this to be happening. I mean,
when I got here, they couldn't
even afford tennis rackets.
I dug them out
of the 2008 recession, okay?
I renegotiated almost
every vendor contract.
You know, I've been
getting grants, donations,
donations from rich people.
They don't even know
what Shabbat is.
-Yeah.
-Ooh!
Now here, six years later,
six years of strategy,
and here we are, in the red.
I got two words for you friend.
Battling Bella, okay?
This is a woman, this is a woman
who worked the system so
the system could work for her.
Right, do you remember?
Remember that one board member
who said that the camp was
abandoning traditional values
by bringing you on
as camp director?
Mr. Friedberg. He was like 83.
A female camp director
in his time? No.
No, it was never happening.
Okay, and you, you made
them change the name
of that really racist game
that he loved.
Oh, the Apache Relay!
Remember the kid
that was farting so much
that you literally rigged Bingo
so he could win his own cabin?
You're a genius, dude.
[sighs] Okay.
I know that I told you
to float with the floaters,
but I need your help.
Okay, I need you to make sure
that these kids put on
a play worth $30,000.
So, uh, what are you doing,
Fiddler ?
You know that
the board director's wife,
she loves Fiddler .
[scoffs] Yeah.
Is it biblical?
-Kinda?
-Well, what do you mean kind of?
Is it in the fucking Bible
or not?
It is. It is,
it is in the Bible.
Okay, um, I'm gonna need to know
that you have this
under control,
because we need this money,
all right?
And we need a happy board,
and to get a happy board,
we need like,
middle of the road,
safe "Hava Nagila" bullshit.
Do you understand?
I mean, I was...
kinda thought
I was inspiring these kids
to find their own voice.
Oh, my God, okay, Nomi,
[chuckles] stay with me.
They're not gonna have any place
to find their voice if we
don't get this money.
Do I need to put Manny on this?
Okay, those kids are
never gonna work with Manny!
Trust me.
[sighs] Can I?
You know I love you,
but can I trust you with this?
Can I trust you?
Can you dig deep?
Right, I mean, we have
an opportunity to prove
to every single person at this
camp that we're real artists.
But Jonah's play
isn't poetic truth.
He just wrote it
for shock value.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Okay, um, art doesn't have
to be palatable to be good.
Okay? Art is about
subverting expectations.
Art is, art is supposed
to be shocking.
He gave us shocking. It was
supposed to be shocking.
But I don't know.
If you guys would rather
spend the rest of your week
regurgitating some bullshit
that dead guys wrote
a long time ago,
then you are more than
welcome to go ahead
and do that with Manny.
But if you are here and you
wanna make some fucking art,
then let's get to work.
That's somebody else's line.
Should I just go on to
the, to my next line?
-[Nomi] Yeah, yeah!
-Yeah. Okay, okay.
-Why are you wearing that?
-[Nomi] Or if it's someone
else's line,
you could just
shout it to them
and they tell them to say it.
Um, okay, so then,
so then Wetspot's
gonna say something
about butt sex,
and then I'm just like,
then I'm just like, "Oh,
no, do not fear the desert for
the desert has many wonderful
beings that live there,
such as the snake that
will eat all of us
and we will all die.
They said you must
not pass the altar
unless you have de-schlonged.
You are not an un-schlonged
unless you are de-schlonged."
Yes. I like the voice
you're doing.
Thank you. I don't know
what it is.
-Is it like--
-[Nomi] No, I like it.
Is it offensive? It
might be vaguely offensive.
[Nomi] Oh, I-I, that's,
that's a young people question.
I don't think so, um,
but I don't recognize it,
but I like, I like what it
sounds like.
-Hey--
-I mean, the whole play
-is offensive.
-Is it, though?
But the whole point is like
removing the stigma around,
you know, like sexuality
and all of that, right?
[Nomi] And what are
the Dahlias doing?
You guys just draping yourselves
in those dirty sheets?
"The state schools are
comprised of three districts
that are yet to be named by--"
Uh, Jonah, you need to,
you need to actually finish
what the names are.
You need to come up with
something a little bit creative.
Um, I can't just say, "Yet
to be named," that's stupid.
Okay, keep going, keep going.
Page two.
"And the admissions
committee said unto them,
'Bring us your underachievers,
the ones who sleep
in class and drool,
so we may banish them
to state schools.'"
And then he said,
"The de-schlonging process
took 15 million days
to complete,
plus a tedious 15.72 seconds."
I feel like I'm the only one
taking this seriously right now.
Like, why is nobody else
reading their lines?
-Shit!
-What's going on?
I'm, I'm taking this seriously.
-[bright upbeat music]
-Mm-hmm, are you composing?
[Nomi] Okay,
should be recording.
Are you gonna paint
this all white?
'Cause that's really ugly.
I'm not gonna bother.
[Nomi] Okay, what other
color bricks do you want?
[Lindsey] You paint.
There's, well, you know,
if I were to do it my way.
I mean, I'm not the one
who's wearing a welding mask
while I'm working on cardboard.
[Dahlia 2] Take a lot and
look, put down the paintbrush.
Come on, give me the paint.
[One-Nut] You guys,
do not obstruct the set.
[Nomi] Oh, come on.
Come on, let's put it on.
Okay!
[bright upbeat music]
[Tal laughing]
[One-Nut yells]
-[Tal] Oh fuck.
-Being an actor is so hard.
[Tal] Yeah? Like have you
acted before?
-No.
-[Tal] Never?
-No--
-[Tal] You've never acted.
-I can't do this.
-Here can you drape this?
Watch this.
So I think that we, we use this.
-[Tal chuckles]
-[Nomi] Right, you guys--
[Tal] What are, Jonah,
what are you, what are you?
This is my amorphous blob.
-Can I have some orange, please?
-Seriously, you asked me this?
-Well, yes.
-You got it. You got it.
-It's right, just.
-Oh, my God.
In a world that'll
give you hell
Here.
[Dahlia 2] Are we getting close?
[One-Nut] But I think
if we make it wider
then we could actually just
put it right in your nose.
-[Dahlia 1 giggles]
-Then we--
[Dahlia 1] Are going to take?
[Tal] What are you all doing?
Nothing.
-[insects chirping]
-[vocalist singing in Hebrew]
[speaking Hebrew]
[gentle upbeat music]
[speaking Hebrew]
[speaking Hebrew]
[speaking Hebrew]
[group] Amen.
[gentle upbeat music fades]
And now, rikkud!
[campers cheering]
[bright upbeat music]
[vocalist singing in Hebrew]
-[campers chattering]
-[campers laughing]
[bright upbeat music continues]
[vocalist continues
singing in Hebrew]
-[campers chattering]
-[campers laughing]
Evening, spoony spoon.
I didn't know that they, uh,
let the fifth graders out
after dark.
It's nice you're able to,
uh, sneak out.
[Yoni and Evan chuckle]
Nice, good one. Try not
to choke on your vape.
-[campers cheering]
-[vocalist singing in Hebrew]
So, uh,
how come you're not dancing?
I'm just taking a break.
Mm. Yeah, same.
[Lindsey chuckles]
You know, I don't get it,
everyone here
treats you like shit,
and yet, for some reason,
you're still trying
to convince me
it's some sort of Jewtopia.
Well yeah, I've been
coming here since I was nine.
I care about this place.
Look, you don't wanna be
Jewish, that's fine, sure.
But, uh, maybe you should
try work shopping an identity
that isn't centered around
shitting on other people.
You might get more girls
that way.
[bright energetic upbeat music]
[crowd cheering]
[vocalist singing in Hebrew]
[crowd clapping]
[vocalist continues
singing in Hebrew]
[bright energetic
upbeat music continues]
[campers laughing]
Get outta my way. Okay.
[Tums and One-Nut laughing]
Wait, wait, just hear me out.
So, One-Nut says, we have
to make a toilet cake,
Mister Beast style!
-Okay.
-For the professors to squat
in for the play, right?
Yeah, but then Wetspot said,
you'd get an automatic "L,"
because our, our salami schlongs
would dip into the cake.
-And it wouldn't be kosher!
-It wouldn't be kosher!
You said it so sensually, man.
It was fucking throwing me off.
You should do, like,
ASMR podcasts.
I was just saying it
how you said it, you said--
Oh, my God,
this is my favorite song.
[screams] Go, go. Oh yeah!
-Oh, come dance!
-No, no.
-[Camper 2] Oh, my God.
-[Camper 3] We gotta dance!
I didn't think you were shy,
given the butt sex play.
Butt sex?
-[bright upbeat music]
-[vocalist singing faintly]
[crowd clapping]
[bright upbeat music continues]
[vocalist continues
singing faintly]
[phone chiming]
[Matt] Hey, Nomes,
how are you doing?
Don't Nomes me.
Okay, um, look,
crazy thing happened.
Madison's agent got her booked
again on the newest season
of the Dating Naked show.
This season, they get paired
with a naked therapist.
So, basically, um,
we really would like
to have you back.
That's fuckin' stupid.
That is. I deserve that.
I deserve that, point blank.
I'm gonna have to call you back.
And um--
-[light music]
-[birds chirping]
[Tums] You know, wildlife
scientists say talking on hikes
is so disruptive
to native animal species
that it's actually been
affecting some bird calls.
[Nomi] Hm, then stop talking.
We're close.
[Tums] Guys,
I cannot wait for lunch.
Hey, can you die from malaria?
[Wetspot] Yeah, you
can die from anything.
[Tums] No, I know,
but like, is it actually,
like, should I be concerned?
I mean,
I didn't put on bug spray.
"The father crowed to his son.
'I had a lot of firsts here.
Now, let me be clear.
Keep your eye on the ball.
No phone calls.
Don't look back to the blitz,
or you'll get swept up
in the abyss.'
But the son said, 'F this,'
and when he found out he
didn't make the dean's list,
he spritzed the halls
with piss."
[group chuckles]
"And the bitter father
said to his son,
'Though you're nothing
but dust in ashes,
you know where the cash is.
Do not waste this incredible
networking opportunity.'"
Yeah, I'm sorry,
I don't get this.
What's that supposed to mean?
[birds chirping]
I-I don't know. I just wrote it.
But like, how does
that relate to anything?
I feel like no one will get it.
So?
So, but it doesn't make
any sense.
[Dahlia 1] And the
college admission thing?
Who cares?
[Lindsey] Well, maybe
we should change it.
No, no. I'm,
I'm not changing it.
Well, I'm not saying it.
Well, uh, great, don't say it.
Um, just stand there on
stage, like an idiot.
You're the one who started this.
Then just say the line,
or don't say anything.
I, it doesn't fuckin' matter.
None of this,
none of this matters.
Whoa, spoon boy is triggered.
[Dahlia 1 giggles]
[birds chirping]
-[Dahlias shrieking]
-[One-Nut exclaiming]
[birds squawking]
[Dahlias shrieking]
[One-Nut] Can you hold this?
[Dahlia 1] No.
[Dahlia 1 laughs]
You okay?
This place is a waste of time.
Okay, well,
if we're
stuck here, then what?
You just get on stage
tomorrow night
and just give everybody just
a big fat middle finger?
Yeah, I mean, I might.
Really, that's all you,
that's just all you have
to say to the world?
Just a big, just F you!
I don't believe you.
That means a lot, you know,
coming from a 40-year-old lady
in an emo band.
[soft somber music]
We Googled you on Tal's phone.
Thanks for calling me a lady.
[water sloshing]
[soft somber music continues]
[Lindsey] Wait, wait,
wait, look.
Why do you care
if we do this stupid ass
joke of a play?
Because behind
all your bullshit,
call me crazy,
but I actually think
you have something real to say.
-[water sloshing]
-[dramatic music]
[Lindsey] Oh, my God.
Be careful.
Something real?
Like uh, getting on stage
and dousing myself
in condom paint?
Yeah, 'cause that's
just profound.
-[water sloshing]
-[somber music]
[Wetspot] I'm throwing
that down, I'm pissed,
you know,
I feel like he's showing off.
-[Dahlia 1] No, no, no, no.
-[Tums] Hey man, throw a rock.
-Wow.
-Good job.
-Throw a fuckin' rock.
-Yeah, I can throw a rock.
-I'm so proud. Great.
-Yeah, yeah,
that's not, that's not so good.
That's not so special.
-[water splashing]
-[gentle music]
[Lindsey laughing]
-[Dahlia 1 shrieks]
-Ooh!
[water sloshing]
[Dahlia 2 giggles]
Boom
Chicka-rocka
Chicka-rocka
chicka boom
Trust my skills or a bear
Will come
and eat all you fools
By the end of the night
D1 and One-Nut will spoon
Oh yeah
Boom chicka-rocka
chicka-rocka chicka boom
And I said Tums will
solve a Rubik's cube
By the end of this tune
And Wetspot, he saved
us from toxic mushrooms
I said uh, boom chicka-rocka
chicka-rocka chicka boom
They all want
the dolly shirt
In their dream it looms
The only action they get
Is playing Magic
in their room
-That's true
-True
Boom chicka-rocka
chicka-rocka chicka boom
In 10 years, these guys
will be wild raccoons
They'll be card sharks
in Vegas
Banging chicks until noon
-Yo!
-Yes!
-Whoo!
-[Group Member 1] Yeah!
-[Nomi laughs]
-[Group Member 2] Yeah! Yeah!
[Tums] That was awesome.
Oh! Yeah! [laughs]
Nomi? Why don't you
give us something?
Give what?
-What are we--
-[Lindsey] Oh, come on.
[One-Nut] Coming
through. Coming through.
-[Tal] Let's hear it.
-[Nomi] What do I got?
-[Dahlia 2] Let's hear it.
-Hello, old friend.
[bright music]
I don't know. Okay, um.
Out here in the woods
Just floating
with the floaters
Hiking all day doesn't
leave the best odors
-[Nomi laughs]
-You know what?
I forgot to bring
a first aid kit
Guess I'm not cut out for
all this counselor shit
I'm trying
-[group cheering]
-Thank you very much.
Thank you very much,
I'm trying, I'm trying.
Hold on. [laughing]
If you spill my hot
cocoa, I'm gonna have Yoni
dangle you from meat
hooks like that kid Lucas.
[One-Nut] Okay, well,
it, it, it wasn't Lucas.
What?
Who was it?
It was him.
-[insects chirping]
-[fire crackling]
Is that for real?
Oh, Miles, that's awful.
Wetspot. Call me Wetspot.
Come on, just tell them.
-He has a deal with Yoni.
-Shut up! Tums.
What kinda deal?
Turns out they go to the
same prep school and check it,
Miles is the man, and Yoni,
whose real name is John,
is a fuckin' loser, you know?
And Miles is like class
president and shit.
-[Lindsey] No way.
-Yeah.
Oh and Yoni, Mr. Kitchen Mafia,
who all the girls love?
Back home they all call him Redo
'cause he has to retake
so many tests.
[Dahlia 1 and One-Nut laughing]
They what, they call him Redo?
[laughs]
Come on, guys, it's not funny.
He has no friends. No one
sits with him at lunch.
He even quit soccer.
So that's why he's got
everyone calling you Wetspot?
He said if I told everyone here
what his name is back at home,
then he'd tell everyone back
at home
what my name is here.
So what, t
his is like your penance?
Yes, it's like my
penance for pissing myself.
I have a nervous bladder,
just to make it clear.
I made a deal and that's all.
Besides, seems like
there's weird shit
between you and Abby ever
since you got Zach fired.
Leave it, Miles.
Stop defending that snake who
doesn't have your back, Lindsey.
-[insects chirping]
-[fire crackling]
Okay, [chuckles] uh,
so last year, uh,
Abby had this huge crush
on the counselor Zach.
He was so hot.
Everyone was obsessed with,
yeah.
Uh, so she came up
with this plan
to, like, fake getting
injured at a soccer game
just to get his attention.
So the plan was that
I would fake trip her.
So like he would
carry her off the field
and into his bed or whatever.
But I, like, decided not
to do it last minute,
because it's stupid
and dangerous.
And so she tripped herself,
and she, like,
busted her knee open,
and he wasn't even there.
He was off peeing in the woods.
Being a good friend, I, like,
ran off to the sidelines
to go get, like, his backpack,
which had his
first aid kit in it.
But it didn't, it had like
all this illicit shit.
It had, it had like
a bottle of vodka,
and like tons of edibles and
everybody on the field saw it.
And so he got fired
the same day.
Everyone, like, thought
I did it on purpose
to narc on Zach, so that's
why everyone hates me.
Abby planned some
dumb doctor role play,
and when it doesn't work
it's your fault?
[Dahlia 1] Oh, dude,
that's fucked up.
I'm really sorry, Lindsey.
That just sucks,
the whole thing.
Well, for what it's worth,
when I went to camp here,
everyone called me Left Nip,
because my boob came out once
during a not even funny
TLC skit.
Yeah, teenagers can be brutal,
but I promise it gets easier,
it does.
Does it? [sniffles]
You know, my,
my camp best friend,
she iced me out
for a full 10 days,
'cause I ruined
her childhood blanket
giving Joel Ruben a handj,
massage. [clears throat]
[group giggles]
What happened to her?
She's still my best friend.
She hired me
this summer, actually.
Wait, wait, Mara?
But you guys are
like nothing alike.
[laughs] I know,
it's ridiculous.
We are polar opposites,
but I feel like it's kinda why
the friendship works so well.
Have you thought about
maybe just talking at Abby?
You know, it's a myth
vodka cleans wounds.
It actually prevents
coagulation.
[Dahlia 2] Not relevant,
Wetspot.
Well, excuse the fuck out of me.
I thought this was a safe space.
[group laughs]
I mean, pour out my
heart to everyone here.
Like, I should be allowed
to speak
about whatever I want
at this point, right?
Like, did you know that some
cats are allergic to people?
[group laughs]
-Yeah.
-Ooh,
this fire is looking low, folks.
Who's gonna get more kindling?
-Not it!
-Not it!
-[insects chirping]
-[fire crackling]
I'll go.
-[owl hooting]
-[insects chirping]
[One-Nut sighs]
[leaves rustling]
[lamp clatters]
[Evan] What's up, hitter?
Evan?
Uh, wha-what are you doing here?
Floaters got you
their maid, bro?
[laughs] Sucks.
Oh no, this is...
You should dish those dribs,
and join us
at the Kitchen Mafia.
[insects chirping]
Just tell us about that
top secret play of yours.
You're a fuckin' asshole, Evan.
[chuckles] Wrong answer.
Listen, I don't, I don't know
what's going on down there,
but trust me, you don't
want poison oak on it.
[One-Nut gasping]
Damn, you kids are so obsessed
with other people's genitalia.
Oh, come on, Tal, trust me,
you, you don't want
a part of this.
Don't I?
[scoffs] I mean,
my boy takes krav maga.
With Rabbi Rachel? Me, too.
-[suspenseful music]
-[Yoni grunts]
Oh, you think you're tough,
huh?
[Evan grunting]
Ow, ow, ow! Okay, okay,
okay, okay, okay.
Okay, I surrender, I surrender.
I surrender.
[Yoni gasping]
Get yourself up.
[Yoni grunting]
[insects chirping]
[Yoni coughs]
Hey, wait up!
[Tal] Come on!
[One-Nut] It's my ball.
-[dramatic music]
-[insects chirping]
Venus is the brightest.
Oh, really? I, there's not
many stars where I'm from.
My parents almost
named me after it.
What, your parents
almost named you Venus?
That, that's brutal. [chuckles]
I think they did do a favor.
Um, no, they almost
named me Esther,
based on Ishtar,
goddess of morning star Venus,
ruler of all things,
love and sex.
In that case, maybe you
could have pulled it off.
[gentle music continues]
Esther.
Queen Esther.
The Tanakh's original
Cinderella.
A, a poor virgin forced
into a royal beauty contest,
and she was also a secret Jew
until she had to stop the king
from killing all her people.
Love, sex, and death.
Just as effed up
as any Disney fairytale.
Yeah!
I mean,
you do love a good martyr.
[gentle music continues]
Meaning what?
Nothing.
No, just, well, Wicked
and your Abby story, sorta.
What, a-a-as in the literal
thing that happened to me?
No, I didn't, I didn't mean to,
I-I guess
I just don't understand
why you wouldn't tell
everyone what really happened.
You know, you're trying
to be brave. Why?
Maybe you like being
a martyr, I don't know, like.
And maybe you like being
a complete dick face, Jonah.
[insects chirping]
[lamp thuds]
-[Lindsey sighs]
-What did he do now?
He's just like
the most insensitive
and self-righteous, like,
douche brat I've ever met.
What?
You actually saw him
spit in the ice cream?
Yes.
To serve to the mashgiach?
[insects chirping]
This is his first year.
Why would he?
Because he's an asshole.
I don't know.
No, yes, I agree.
But if he wanted everyone
to eat loogie ice cream,
why would he race to tell Stan
that he brought out
the wrong spoons?
[insects chirping]
[birds chirping]
[items clattering]
[pages rustling]
Got it.
You got it?
[Yoni chuckles]
Self-hating Jews.
You hate to see it.
"To gain favor, the board
members crawled up
each other's butt holes
until the sun had risen
over the land."
As president of the board,
my mother needs to know
what's being said about
her, you know, her anus.
Yes, of course.
[Evan] Yeah.
Thank you for bringing this
to me.
I'll handle it and I
will make sure to speak
to your mother when she
gets here for Maccabiah.
Thank you. Great.
It's a disgrace.
-It's, it's disgusting.
-Yeah.
[Evan sighs]
-[book thuds]
-[Mara speaks Hebrew]
-[birds chirping]
-[campers chattering]
[campers cheering]
[Camper 4] What the hell?
[door thuds]
-[book thuds]
-What the hell?
You promised me!
I know it's edgy, but you gotta,
you gotta see it up
on its feet, Mar.
On its feet? You mean on
its righteous butt hole?
Are you trying to get me
fired? What were you thinking?
No, I just wanna help
these kids find their voices.
Right? I thought that's what
you wanted.
Oh, you're gonna put this on me?
There are some really
profound ideas
going on in here, Mar.
You just gotta get past all the,
you know,
you just,
there is some stuff that,
if you could just get
right past all--
Get pa-pa-passed the part.
You can't even say it.
This is the most disgusting
thing I've ever read.
Well, in my defense,
your idea of highbrow
is the How I Met Your Mother
remake.
Oh, my God, I just asked you
to channel these kids' apathy
into something productive.
-You think this is productive?
-I do! I do!
Just come to a rehearsal.
Come to one rehearsal.
You'll see that Tal is
making some beautiful music.
And Wetspot, I mean Miles,
he's really embodying the role.
Yeah, the, the role of um,
Adjunct Professor Buttplug?
You're putting the future
of this camp at risk.
All those donors coming today?
Oh yeah, your precious
asshole donors.
Dealing with assholes
is part of my job. Okay?
If I don't have their
money, I don't have a camp.
But you wouldn't understand
anything like that.
That's why you're still...
struggling.
Oof, um.
Have you ever had my back, Mar?
-What?
-Like ever?
Didn't even occur to you
to take the Left Nip plaque
down from the Beit Am?
What are you talking about?
Uh, like, from when we
were kids? The TLC skit?
I mean, let it go!
You're telling me
not everyone still
refers to me as Left Nip?
Nobody talks about you at all.
Okay, and if you wanna talk
about what you did to Daniel,
that was completely
unacceptable.
You're constantly pushing
the boundaries
just to get attention.
Attention? I was protecting you!
I was defending you.
But no, typical politician Mara,
always letting assholes
get away with shit.
Well, maybe if you had
a backbone, Mar,
your camp wouldn't be
falling apart.
Or maybe you'd even be able
to afford a septic tank.
[downhearted music]
It was a mistake
bringing you here.
Yeah. Yeah, um.
Okay, um, I'm gonna go
before I ruin your camp more.
[downhearted music continues]
[door clicks]
Matt? I'm in, I'm on
the next plane to Riga.
Come on, Nomi! Nomi!
-You can't leave.
-What are we supposed to do?
-I don't know.
-Is that all you have to say?
Just a big F you?
Good luck.
Sorry.
[campers chattering]
So we have course corrected
and I-I guarantee you are in
for a real treat, Ms. Gold.
We'll see. You gave me
quite a scare this morning.
I couldn't finish my smoothie.
I mean, can you imagine
if poor Lily was subjected
to what they wrote?
Kid might start an OnlyFans.
Actually, Evan,
OnlyFans is about women
taking back their power.
[Evan chuckles]
Hey, Deb, good to see you.
You know, I tried to
link you on my LinkedIn
and it kept making me
re-request,
or something like that?
Jo-Jonah!
Jonah here is putting in his
Yale application in soon,
so I was thinking, maybe
next time you're in, uh, NYC,
we could get a little
tennis date in the books
called a, a rematch of that old
Gaga score we never settled.
Pretty sure we settled that
score a long time ago, Knuckles.
[Daniel] May I cut in, Eli?
Oh, I'm sorry, Danny DeVito
has something to say.
[laughs] The old
desperado making his paces.
-Hi, Mara.
-Daniel.
Deb. Hey, let's talk after,
okay?
I have something you're
really gonna wanna hear.
-[upbeat music]
-[phone buzzing]
-What's up, little man?
-What's up?
Excuse me. Donor call.
-Hi, Dad.
-Little man?
[footsteps tapping]
Fiddler , the very first
Broadway show I ever saw,
with my mom and dad
sitting in the theater,
looking at Zero Mostel.
The great Zero Mostel.
Do you know who Zero Mostel is?
Oy vey. Fiddler
is about Jewish life.
The meaningful, the, the soul,
the, the feel it in your
kishkas, about family,
about depending upon each other.
So we're just gonna
read this from the page?
With gusto.
You know,
it's all about the delivery.
Example.
Yabba dibby dibby dum
All day long
I dibby dibby dum
You know?
I mean, you gotta shimmy.
-Gimme a little shimmy.
-I shouldn't believe
I'm saying it,
but this is more embarrassing
than Jonah's butt sex play.
Mm-hmm.
I completely agree with you.
[Manny] Just. [stammers]
[radio host] I do, I do.
And you know, it's funny
that you should mention that,
because it was actually
this day, decades ago,
that kids at home
marveled at Neil Armstrong
taking that first step
on the moon.
[Co-host] You know,
speaking of the moon landing.
Google just announced
their latest--
-[Nomi sniffles]
-[somber music]
Three home sickers I
picked up here last year.
Cried like babies.
This year, zero.
Well...
now, one.
-[Nomi sniffles]
-[solemn music]
[solemn music continues]
[rousing triumphant music]
-[upbeat music]
-[campers yelling]
[upbeat music continues]
[campers continue yelling]
[upbeat music continues]
[campers chattering]
What is Nomi doing here?
-[Mara] Nomi?
-Hi. Hi. Okay.
Okay, hear me out.
Hear me out,
I know that I took it too far
and I'm gonna make it right.
-This is not the time.
-No! All right.
Do you remember
when we were younger
and your dad used
to lecture us about firgun,
and about how one day we
would actually derive joy
from other people's successes?
[solemn music]
Because I just like...
I-I just, I didn't get
it. I didn't get it.
We used to keep him up
all night.
He would've said any boring
sermon to get us to shut up.
I just, I think that I,
I've just felt like my,
the goal of my entire life has
been differentiating myself.
And I guess just being back,
I'm maybe realizing that
that's about other stuff, too.
[solemn music continues]
Can I just get one more shot?
[solemn music continues]
[lips smacking]
They say we can't perform
our play.
It's against the rules.
The rules? Okay.
Do you guys remember
how I told you
that art's all about
subverting expectation?
Well, that is precisely
what we're about to do.
Who's ready to finish
what we started?
I'm in.
So what do we do?
Well, we're taking our
schlongs to the moon.
[upbeat music]
Casio and the speakers
Honeycomb
and my sneakers toasty
We're going back
to the heart
Back to the heart, no way
She comes, she goes
Walking in the rain
without a raincoat
Ride the wave
Ride the wave
'Cause I'm lo-fi, too slow
-I'm slipping through
-Start wrapping.
The city like a slide show
-Ride the wave
-Here you go.
What's this?
-Uh, revised lines.
-Ride the wave
-Hmm?
-We're gonna be okay
[upbeat music]
-Oh! [laughs]
-Here you go.
One-Nut, what do you think?
-Will these be enough?
-[One-Nut] Huh?
Will these be enough?
Ah, we need, we need, uh, more.
It needs bigger.
Bigger spoons, bigger.
Guys, we are running
out of time.
-Okay.
-It's like a jellyfish thing.
-Big.
-You want a bigger spoon
-or you want more?
-More big spoon.
More big is not a thing.
It's more big spoons.
-Are you on something?
-I need spoons.
[Lindsey] Guys, we're
missing way too many supplies.
[Dahlia] This isn't gonna work.
Hey, guys.
We're on it.
It's gonna be okay
-Grab it!
-[Tal] Okay, go!
Can you help?
-I got it.
-All right. All right.
That's my guy. I love him.
[Tums and Wetspot panting]
What do you want?
Just a moment of your time,
please.
Black Lotus Beta.
Black Lotus Beta? Yeah?
Derp. Dumb asses.
Nobody wants your stupid
fucking game cards.
You want a cart? Cash only.
No, not carts.
We just need to borrow some
stuff from the kitchen.
Fuck outta here.
Yoni, I know you know
how much this is worth.
Take the bribe.
We've got places to be, man.
Come on.
Like now. Now, thank you, okay.
-Easiest money you've ever made.
See you later.
-Yeah.
-[campers cheering]
-[upbeat bright music]
[Manny] All right, folks,
Camp Barak's in the lead
for winning just
about everything.
But this just in:
Camp Daveed just won Gaga,
plus scored 50 extra
ruach points,
bringing us to
this nail-biting tie.
The skit competition will
start any minute now.
It all comes down to this.
[upbeat bright music continues]
We're gonna be okay
And now, the Maccabiah finale
you've all been waiting for,
graciously judged for us
by our independent panel
of mashgiach and hadassah
ladies all the way from Hoboken.
Needing no introduction,
we would like to invite
Camp Barak to the stage
for the first performance.
-Give it up.
-[audience applauding]
[gentle bright music]
They look really prepared.
Yeah, they do.
Once I found a golden boy
Joseph was strong
and pure of heart
He had no friends
but his golden heart
I can't believe you dug
up those zombie spoons.
Well, some traditions
are worth breaking.
[Jonah chuckles]
I know what you did.
[gentle bright music continues]
[rousing triumphant music]
-[audience applauding]
-[audience cheering]
Broadway level talent
[clears throat] Hello?
Just like to take a few
moments to highlight
some of the incredible programs
that Camp Barak has
established this quarter.
We have begun
a pilot pen pal program
pairing each Barak camper
with a CEO,
with a lady CEO.
Women on top,
you know what I'm saying?
Um, also, um,
we have finally reached
our series B funding
for our compostable kippot
subscription program.
It's a box that comes
every month.
I think you'll enjoy it.
And now we'd like to invite,
needing no introduction,
-Camp Daveed!
-Okay!
-[audience cheering]
-[audience applauding]
Let's go, you guys!
-[audience member coughing]
-[drum taps]
This just in:
It appears aliens have landed
and are using the moon as a base
to launch an invasion of Earth.
[drum taps]
[gentle bright music]
[bright upbeat music]
[footsteps tapping]
[bright upbeat music continues]
[object squeals]
Have you analyzed the planet?
We have completed the analysis.
It is very lovely.
Has a lot of nice sea creatures,
but is being destroyed
by a parasitic infection
called humanity.
-Ugh!
-[drum taps]
We've reviewed their
extracurricular activities
and found them lacking
compared to their peers
on other planets.
And there is little evidence
of community service.
[Lindsey] Oh no, that's awful.
Test scores have shown
these humans are violent,
greedy, fear-based
little things,
that are easily manipulated.
Plus they seem obsessed with
sex and stupid competitions.
The worst part is they
don't see themselves
as part of the whole.
Instead they exploit and devour
each other over resources.
-Sounds awful.
-It is!
Thus, the galactic committee
recommends the human species
be deemed a parasitic
infection and eradicated!
[dramatic percussive music]
[dramatic instrumental music]
It is settled.
Prepare to fire
the pesticide ray.
[suspenseful music]
[bright music]
[Dahlias] Wait, what is that?
[Wetspot] Something
is approaching.
Is it an attack?
[Tums] It appears to
be some sort of probe.
-[vessel clatters]
-[group exclaims]
[Dahlia 1] What's that inside?
Some colored cloth.
Some old books.
Weird drawings by children.
What's this?
Probably some sort of weapon.
[Tums screams]
[Wetspot] Shall we proceed,
boss?
Yes. But wait.
These drawings
of kittens are cute.
Let us meet one of
these degenerate humans.
Mm.
-[schlongs thudding]
-[group exclaiming]
-[steam hissing]
-[group exclaiming]
[group yelling]
Hey, whoa, you guys here
for Maccabiah?
-It's Jonah.
-We are here
to pass final judgment
on your species, human!
And you have flunked every test.
Cool, cool, cool, cool.
What is that you are wearing?
-Oh, this?
-Yes.
Well, this is called a Teflon.
My people sometimes
wear them while praying.
The wrappings help me
contemplate connection
to my community.
This was not in our analysis.
He is an anomaly.
The rest have violent natures
and must be destroyed.
Wait, destroyed?
Whoa, whoa, hold on!
Listen, we got our
issues, you're not wrong,
but if you destroy us,
what does that make you?
Besides, I know some
real mensches down there.
-[Lindsey] Hmm?
-[Tums] What is a mensch?
Nonsense!
I say we cleanse
the planet of humans
and give the octopus a chance.
[Tums] Yes.
I like octopus quite a bit.
Yeah. He's got a weapon!
-[group screams]
-Whoa. It's not a weapon.
It's not a weapon,
it's a camera, mostly.
We humans sometimes use them
to document important moments.
Do you have a lot of
these important moments?
I mean, mostly just when
our cats do something cute,
or we eat really good pasta.
[audience laughing]
Get on with the cleansing.
Wait! Wait, wait, wait,
hold on!
Listen, I-I used to think
that my fellow humans
weren't worth saving, too.
But then I met a few
who took pity on me.
Made me feel part of something.
Look, all right,
I'll make you a deal.
I-if there are 10 examples of
good humans on this camera,
then you will know that not
all humans are parasites
and thus cannot destroy us.
-Agreed.
-Agreed.
[gentle bright music]
[projector whirs]
-[upbeat music]
-[campers cheering]
This proves nothing.
Just a few examples
of people goofing off.
Fire the human pesticide ray!
Wait, there's more!
-[Nomi and Mara chanting]
-[Mara giggling]
- Everyone's word surf,
get back to work!
- Go!
Campers.
[Tums] We have
an important message.
[Tal] We are queer.
[Tums] And Asian.
And Jewish. [laughs]
It's not just a phase,
Mom! I told you!
[gentle bright music]
-Oh!
-Okay, one more.
One more. Here we go.
This summer in a word?
Um, debauchery. Devious.
I don't know.
Um, [groans] growth.
[gentle bright music continues]
Ishtar.
I mean, it's meant a lot to me.
One-Nut's pretty cool.
You're pretty cool, Tal,
I like you.
I kinda hate talking about it,
but I don't know,
maybe if it's with you guys,
these guys,
I wouldn't mind coming back
another year.
[gentle bright music continues]
Now, do you see?
It appears humanity
is not a lost cause.
They may live.
Now let us travel the
heavens having as much sex
with our giant alien schlongs
as possible.
[upbeat music]
-[audience applauding]
-[audience cheering]
[upbeat music continues]
[audience applauding]
[audience cheering]
We can do a bulk donation
very easily
for your tax purposes.
I tell you not to fight
gravity, you go to the moon?
[sighs] It's just camp.
All right, folks.
It has been a day of highs
and lows,
but it is close.
And now, thanks to our
esteemed panel of judges,
the winner [imitates drum roll]
of the skit [imitates drum roll]
and the Maccabiah
[imitates drum roll] Camp!
-Barak!
-[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]
[Daniel laughing]
Thanks, buddy.
See you in a bit!
[gentle upbeat music]
[Daniel] Nerds!
[Nomi sighs]
So in retrospect,
maybe I shouldn't have
used the traif spoons.
Doesn't matter.
I've never seen those kids so
comfortable in their own skin.
[gentle upbeat music continues]
Only you could bring people
together with sausage.
[Nomi laughs]
You know, it's funny,
it's kinda like, uh,
I don't know, my seminar ideas
are pretty tame, comparatively.
Yeah, all right,
I'm coming around.
Great. I have another one.
Um, holy sci-fi, right?
Uh, the Torah as fan fiction.
[Deb] Mm, I just don't know why
I can't get hummus like this
at Zahav.
'Cause Zahav uses cumin,
and I use fenugreek,
fucking fenugreek!
[Gold] I taste it.
Ms. Gold?
Mara!
I must confess
that was single-handedly
the most alarming theatrical
production
I have ever witnessed.
Yeah, well, I mean, I guess
if you could look at it like,
um.
Whatever you're gonna say,
save it.
I loved it.
I thought those
abstract costumes
were reminiscent
of a Julie Taymor production.
Oh!
The phallic spacey things.
The, the, the tinfoil schwanzes.
You know, it really
deconstructed gender norms
and power dynamics.
Am I right?
Yes. Yes, totally,
you are right.
Yeah, that's exactly what
we were trying to do.
You know what?
Instead of my annual donation
to AFAF,
Actors Fighting Acne Foundation,
I'm giving it all
to Camp Daveed.
In fact, I'm doubling it.
I want to support
the avant-garde,
cutting edge work
that you're doing here.
Thank you. We will, we
will really appreciate this.
[bright upbeat music]
[Tal] Think fast!
-Oh!
-Oh!
Something about the way
the wind was blowing
Makes me think I might
get past the river today
Something about the way
-Guys, I think we're done.
The wind was blowing
makes me think
That down the hill
and through the fields
And cross the bridge, the
city might not be so far away
But it might not
be the wind
Ah Ah
It might be coming
from inside
Or some kinda gift from God
Anyway, I get a feeling
This could be the day
we beat the odds
[bright upbeat music continues]
[vocalist singing in Hebrew]
Work-life balance
is for the weak.
To be great you gotta
be unbalanced.
Let me ask you a question.
You think Mickey Mantle,
when he was a, a big star,
you think he cleaned his room?
No. You don't need life balance.
You need to be unbalanced
to be really good.
Okay, I mean, I was kind
of with you until that part.
That seems a little like
a toxic work environment.
Times are changing, man,
I don't know what to say.
[screams] Oh.
Oh! [laughing]
Well, I'm gonna report you for
these unsanitary conditions
and that vulgar performance.
Oh! Your camp's going
out of business, sis.
Sorry about that 30K.
Would've looked good on you.
[laughing]
Camp Barak forever. The winner.
This could be the day
[golf cart rattling]
-No, it doesn't.
-I'm telling you.
[Tums] Hey, maybe she's
got a medical issue.
Shut up, Tums.
That's exactly what it
sounds like.
Yeah, whatever.
Exactly what what sounds like?
Uh, Nico said it's what it
sounded like
when he was doing Mike's mom.
Nico? Is that true?
No, Mara.
No, it's not true,
or no, you weren't
doing Mike's mom?
So what's our primary need?
Getting everyone to the
camp safe and alive.
After that?
Avoiding penetration.
All other shenanigans,
vaping, exchanging clothing,
sharing bodily fluids,
important but below
primary needs.
Bodily fluids?
Motion is lotion.
You keep moving,
you're gonna get ahead.
-Ah-huh.
-When you walk into a room,
you're the best,
nobody's better than you.
Nobody's better than you.
Guys, look over there.
Look at them.
Oh my!
Stop. Wait, delete that.
This summer has meant to me:
vapor, women,
Houston Astros.
-[gentle bright music]
-[group groaning]
If neither foes nor
loving friends can hurt you,
if all men count with
you, but none too much,
if you can fill
the unforgiving minute
with 60 seconds worth
of distance run,
yours is the earth and
everything that's in it,
and which is more,
you'll be a man, my son.
Yeah, this was, uh,
this was a strange conversation,
I think,
but I think it was
something I needed to hear.
-[Manny] Yeah.
-Something I've been waiting
like my entire time
at this camp to hear.
-Thank you.
-What's your name, again?
Um, my, my real name's Miles,
but everyone around here
calls me,
uh, [clears throat]
Wetspot, so--
[Manny] I'll call you Miles.
Good job, Miles.
-Thanks.
-[Manny] You're going places.
Thanks, Manny.
-[vocalists singing in Hebrew]
-[upbeat music]
[vocalists continue
singing in Hebrew]
[upbeat music continues]
[vocalists continue
singing in Hebrew]
[upbeat music continues]
[vocalists continue
singing in Hebrew]
[upbeat music continues]
[upbeat music continues fades]
[Vocalist] Dude.
Whoo!
[gentle percussive music]
Only money on your mind
What a way to spend a life
Green colored glasses
in front of your eyes
Not worth a dime
Oh, you're a walking clich
With your $100 bouquet
Are those roses for me
Or the grave of humanity
You're such a pussy
Planning for the future
401K Man,
you're not okay, man
All about money
You're sick in the head
401K Man,
you're not okay, man
You're wearing a suit
to bed
You work all day
And have no dreams
Collecting cash
But what does it mean
401K Man,
you're not okay, man
All about money
You're sick in the head
[solemn flute music]
You're sick in the head