The Gay Divorcee (1934) Movie Script

Don't let it bother you
When things go wrong
If you're glum, just hum
And some good luck will come along
Don't let it bother you
If now and then
You may stumble, never grumble
Count from one to 10
- A frown is a smile upside down
- So turn that frown upside down
And smile
And sing oh-la-la-la
Don't let it bother you
If skies are gray
Learn to grin
And take it on the chin
Then everything will be okay
Oh, it's no use, Guy.
Mine has housemaid's knee.
Don't be discouraged, Egbert.
I think you show distinct tendencies
towards terpsichorean excellence.
You think so, really?
You know, as a matter of fact... inner soul has always yearned
to express itself in the dance.
- Lf you were I, what would you do?
- Stick to law.
Spoken like a real native.
Do you recognize it?
What? Oh, yes.
Oh, my, Guy,
this is an expensive place here.
Guy, in the excitement of changing
my clothes on that train...
...I left my wallet in that other suit.
Egbert, what would you do without me?
I mean to say...
I've been in America
for several months with my friend.
We're passing through Paris on our way
to London. We're taking the boat tomorrow.
I am the proprietor.
What can I do for you?
Well, I'm afraid we'll have to mail you
the amount of the check.
Well, monsieur, I do not know you.
This gentleman's father
is Sir Frederick Fitzgerald...
...the distinguished London attorney.
Yes, and I'm a lawyer too.
You, monsieur?
My friend here is Guy Holden,
the American dancer.
Musical comedy and whatnot.
Certainly you've heard of Holden.
Oh, yes, I have heard of Guy Holden.
But, monsieur, have you any means
of identification?
Well, you see, we...
Left them in the other suit.
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Well, I...
I have it, I have it.
Look here, old chap,
if my friend dances like Guy Holden...
...that proves he is Guy Holden,
doesn't it?
Go ahead, Guy, dash them off
a bit of a minuet...
...or a polka or a schottische.
Now, wait a minute, I'm on my vacation.
I'm not going to do any dancing.
I've heard they make you
wash dishes in Paris.
There you are.
That means nothing.
Then you try it.
Suppose you do it over there.
- With all these people around?
- Well, if you are Guy Holden...
...people should not disturb you.
French cooking must make the dishes
very difficult to wash.
Guy, never mind.
Thank you.
Mr. Fitzgerald. Mr. Fitzgerald.
Mr. Fitzgerald.
- Mr. Fitzgerald.
- Who is it? What's the matter?
What do you want?
- Mr. Fitzgerald?
- Yes.
- Mr. Pinky Fitzgerald?
- Yes.
Pinky? That's the first time
I've heard that one.
Must be from Father.
He's always called me Pinky.
Ever since I was a golden-haired little tot
paddling about in pale-pink pajamas.
What do you want?
Tip that boy, will you?
Read that for me.
I'm all involved here, Guy, please.
- Thank you, governor.
- Right you are.
Yes, it's from your father. He says:
"Leaving for Scotland. Stop.
Take charge of office in my absence. Stop."
Good. Father's placing everything
in my hands.
But I haven't finished yet. He also says:
"But don't do anything, just sit."
Let me see that.
Why, Pinky, evidently you've been
in charge of the office before.
- Excuse me. Can you help me in section D?
- What is it?
- I can't do a thing with her, sir.
- Who?
The lady in section D, sir.
She's an American.
You know how these Americans are, sir.
- When finished, look after that gentleman.
- Yes, sir.
Will you gentlemen come with me, please?
Excuse me, madam, I am the chief
inspector. Anything I can do for you?
You most certainly can.
This man wants to mess up my trunks...
...after I've packed the lovely things
I bought in Paris.
I'm very sorry, madam,
but we have to inspect all luggage...
...for dutiable merchandise.
Now, madam, how much
did you pay for this?
That? Oh, now, how much
did I pay for that?
I know I paid an awful lot. But I shouldn't
be telling you that, should I?
- Where did you buy it?
- Where did I buy it? Oh, now, let me see.
What was the name of that town?
- Paris?
- Paris? No. No, it wasn't Paris.
- Lyons?
- No. No, it wasn't Lyons...
...but you're getting warmer.
- Nice?
- Niece. Yes, that's who I'm waiting for.
- What?
- Yes, my niece, Mimi.
I sent her a cable to London
and told her to meet me here.
- Where is she?
- I'm sure I don't know, madam.
This is the only other place
she might be.
Oh, there she is.
Thank you very much.
- Hortense.
- Mimi, dear.
How are you?
Oh, you look perfectly marvelous.
Yes, don't I.
This is my niece, Mimi.
I told you about her.
The poor thing has had her life
all mixed up...
...but I've come over expressly
to straighten it all out for her.
Madam, we would appreciate it
if you'd straighten this matter out first.
Well, what is it you want me to do?
Come with me and we'll make
a declaration of all your purchases.
Everything's so topsy-turvy.
Will you put those things in
while I lock this?
- These?
- Yes, please.
Would you be good enough
to hold this for me? Thank you.
- Did you have a nice trip?
- I had a marvelous trip. I adore Paris.
It's so like Chicago.
I enjoyed every minute of it.
It's such a relief when you're traveling
to feel that you've never left home at all.
I shouldn't be long, dear.
Come along, men.
Porter. Porter.
- Oh, porter.
- Sorry, I'm busy, ma'am.
Oh, porter. Porter.
Porter. Porter.
I beg your pardon.
Can I be of any assistance?
Why... Well, yes.
My aunt is in the inspector's office.
Would you call her for me?
- Well, yes, indeed.
- Thank you.
With pleasure.
- You're an American, aren't you?
- Yes.
- So am I.
- So is my aunt.
You know, the one you were
going to call for me.
Oh, yes.
Is there anything special
you want me to tell her?
Well, you might tell her
that my dress is caught.
Your dress is caught.
My, my.
- Locked.
- Yes.
And you want me to call your aunt?
You know, a third party
might spoil this.
Porter. Oh, porter.
Oh, porter. Porter.
There's no reason why I can't
handle this myself.
I pulled a cat out of a well once
when I was a boy.
Now, let me see...
- Maybe I should've called your aunt.
- Well...
Oh, I'm awfully sorry. Please take this.
- Please forgive me.
- I'm living in London.
Where can I return this to you?
Oh, I'm stopping in London too.
May I save you the trouble and call for it?
I'd rather you wouldn't.
Well, here's my address.
I'll be waiting to hear from you.
- You didn't say goodbye.
- No, I didn't.
Well, that's wonderful.
That means I'll see you again.
I'll pay it, but I want to know
how every cent is spent.
Oh, here you are, Hortense.
I just had the most embarrassing
A man tore my dress off.
My goodness. Anyone we know?
- Hortense.
- Here you are, madam.
Oh, for me? And I do adore fruit baskets.
Oh, isn't he generous.
You shouldn't have been so extravagant.
After all, we've just met, you know.
Not bad. Not bad at all.
Have you time for an encore?
- Sorry, guvnor. My time's too valuable.
- Oh, so sorry.
Don't you want to ask me
who sent that, sir?
Oh, I see, the play spirit.
All right, tell me. Who sent it?
The young lady gave me 3 shillings,
sir, and asked me not to tell.
Oh, yes. I see.
"And asked me not to tell."
- Guy.
- Yeah?
- Package for you.
- A package?
- Yeah.
- Oh, that's my raincoat.
That must be her handwriting.
Let me see.
I used to study handwriting.
- Yeah.
- Oh, it's very neat.
Yes. The O's and the A's are open.
That means extravagance.
Look at the way she crosses her T's.
That denotes temper.
She makes little circles instead of dots.
Dreadful. It's an unfailing sign of vanity.
Yes. Of course, don't let me
discourage you. L...
Guy, what is the matter with you?
You seem to be under some sort of a spell.
I am, and for the first time in my life.
What are you looking for?
- Where's the note?
- Oh, no note.
- No note?
- No note.
- Did you talk to the messenger?
- I did.
And he said that she asked him
not to tell where it came from.
I wonder if she resented
my tearing her skirt.
Well, I wouldn't be at all surprised.
That's the usual reaction.
- What did you do that for?
- She couldn't move.
Sounds very unsporting of you.
Guy, really.
Well, you don't understand.
You see, she... It was an accident.
- It usually is. What's her name?
- I don't know.
- Where does she live?
- I don't know.
My, what an interesting romance.
I was in hopes that she'd send some note
with this raincoat, along with her address.
Well, without having the prophetic powers
of a seventh son...
...I would hazard that she doesn't want
to see you anymore.
Yes. Well...
...I'm going to rush off
to the office.
- What are you going to do, Guy?
- I'm going to start looking for her.
I'll find that girl, Egbert,
if it takes me from now on.
Well, it shouldn't be difficult. After all,
there are only 3 million women in London.
It's just like looking for a needle
In a hay stack
Searching for a moonbeam in the blue
Still, I've gotta find you
It's just like looking for a raindrop
In the ocean
Searching for a dewdrop in the dew
Still, I've got to find you
I'll roam the town
In hopes that we'll meet
Look at each face
I pass on the street
For sometimes I hear
The beat of your feet
But it's just imagination
Oh, it's like looking for a needle
In a haystack
Still, I'll follow every little clue
'Cause I've got to find you
It's just like looking for a needle
In a haystack
Searching for a moonbeam in the blue
Still, I've got to find you
It's just like looking for a raindrop
In the ocean
Searching for a dewdrop in the dew
Still, I've gotta find you
I'll roam the town
In hopes that we'll meet
Look at each face
I pass on the street
Sometimes I hear
The beat of your feet
But it's just imagination
Though it's like looking for a needle
In a haystack
Still, I'll follow every little clue
'Cause I've gotta find you
Hello, hello.
I've been looking for you.
Well, wait a minute.
Please stop. I want to talk to you.
Isn't it peaceful here?
Would you mind moving your car,
or don't you want it anymore?
Yes, Guy, it is peaceful, isn't it?
What a shame.
Two perfectly beautiful cars.
In a moment,
the air will be full of fenders.
Wait. Would you mind hitting it
just about there?
That cigarette lighter
never did work anyway.
Well, don't say I didn't warn you.
Porter. Porter.
Can't do it.
I guess I'm too economical.
Now there.
Can I offer you something?
Frosted chocolate, Cointreau,
Benedictine, marriage?
What was that last?
- Benedictine.
- No, after that.
Oh, marriage.
Do you always propose marriage
as casually as that?
There's nothing casual about it.
I've given it a lot of sincere thought.
Matter of fact, I've lost sleep.
Do you realize I've spent
the last two weeks looking for you?
Didn't you get your coat all right?
Yes, but I missed something.
Some little note telling me
where I could get in touch with you.
I've got to know something
about you:
Whether you're happy,
what flowers you like...
...your favorite books and music.
Look, when do I see you again?
Won't you please tell me
where I can get in touch with you?
You can't.
I'm staying with friends, old friends.
You'd be much too upsetting. I wouldn't
know what you were going to do next.
Well, if you won't give me
your phone number, here's mine.
Just wasting paper.
I thought you were economical.
That's better.
May I go now?
All right. But you will try
and call me tomorrow, won't you?
I'll be waiting.
I'll be waiting every day.
And then I'll rest up at night
so I can wait some more.
I say, old chap, do you mind
letting us through here?
Oh, rather. Right you are. Cheerio.
Right you are, sorry.
Awfully sorry, folks. Right.
I bought this in a sporting goods store.
Wait. You didn't tell me your name.
- I'll tell Mr. Fitzgerald you're here, Mrs...
- Thank you very much.
Hortense, it's hopeless.
I don't know why we're here.
Darling, Egbert's
a very old friend of mine.
He doesn't know much about law.
It's his father who's the brains.
You know, all of his family
spent their entire lives at the bar.
Dear Egbert. He was nearly
my third husband.
He would have been, too, but he suddenly
left for India on an elephant hunt.
I wonder why he preferred to hunt elephants
when he could've married me.
I'm sorry, Mrs. Ditherwell, Mr. Fitzgerald
doesn't seem to recall your name.
Why, what do you mean, he doesn't?
Oh, of course, I've been married again.
He wouldn't know me as Ditherwell.
That was my third husband, my last.
Now, let me see.
What name did Egbert know me by?
Hortense, darling.
I didn't marry in 1929 or '30.
That was the year of the crash. Men
didn't know whether they had money.
Well... Well, I tell you
just what you say.
You say "peanuts." He'll know.
- Peanuts?
- Yes.
You know, the association of ideas.
Peanut, elephant. Elephant hunt, me.
- I'll tell him "peanuts," madam.
- Yes.
Yes, yes, yes.
She said to say, "peanuts."
Oh, did she?
Well, tell her I don't want any.
She also mentioned something about India.
Elephant hunting.
Well, that makes it,
"peanuts, India, elephant hunt."
That doesn't make sense. Horte...
Oh, no. No, it couldn't be.
Tell her I'm not here.
Tell her I'm in conference.
Tell her I'm out of town.
Egbert, darling.
Oh, darling.
Oh, you mustn't mind him.
He's so impetuous.
You do look wonderful,
and you look just the same.
The same sweet smile,
and the same dear little eyes.
I want you to meet my niece,
Mrs. Glossop.
Mrs. Glossop.
- How do you do, Mrs. Glossop?
- How do you do?
- Glad to know you.
- Thank you. Well, yes. Sit down.
- Sit down.
- Yes, thank you.
I'm here professionally, Egbert.
This poor little thing is married,
unhappily married.
Now, isn't that criminal?
It's no crime to be married.
Just shows a weakness on the part
of men that women take advantage of.
Egbert, are you proposing to me again?
No, no, no.
Mrs. Glossop, I presume, has a problem.
Yes, I have.
There are so many things in connection
with it that I hardly know where to begin.
- Oh, well...
- Sit down, Egbert.
I'll tell him all about it.
You see, she's been married two years
and she's scarcely ever seen her husband.
In fact, she never hears from him
unless he wants some of her money.
I met him at school.
He was one of my instructors.
Yes, he's a geometrist.
Oh, a geometrist.
- No, darling, a geologist.
- Oh, a geologist.
Well, all right, a geologist.
What difference does it make?
It's all the same.
- You know, rocks and things.
- He threw them?
No, he digs them, he digs them.
Well, have you asked your husband
for a divorce?
Repeatedly, but he refuses to even
discuss it with me.
Well, you understand that
obtaining a divorce in England... a very difficult thing,
unless the husband agrees to grant it.
Oh, Egbert, I didn't know you like dolls.
He always had the mother instinct.
Ladies, as your legal adviser,
I would suggest that we resort to a...
- Thingamajig.
- Flagrante delicto.
- Why? Yes, yes, of course.
- Yes, yes.
You know, I had one
at my second divorce.
Yes. Of course, Mrs. Glossop...
...the details are very simple.
- A seaside hotel and...
- Mr. Fitzgerald, I'll do anything you say.
And leave the further details
to the two of you.
I think really it would be
much better for me if you remained.
No, no, run along, dear.
I'll fix everything.
Thank you, Mr. Fitzgerald,
and I feel very comfortable in your hands.
Really? Well, Mrs. Glossop,
I'll work my brain to the bone for you.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
Now, let's get right down to business.
Oh, Egbert.
I mean the hotel.
I know a very nice one
just opening at Brightbourne.
It's the hotel Bella Vista.
Oh, Bella Vista,
and so easy to remember.
I had a cook named Bella once,
or was it a masseur?
Well, anyway, I'll have my niece
drive down...
...and she'll meet you there tomorrow
at the Hotel Maryland.
No, no, no, that wasn't it, was it?
But it had something to do with
a girl's name.
Perhaps you'd better take this with you.
The Bella Vista. Of course.
That's what I said in the first place, isn't it?
Oh, goodbye, Egbert.
You know, divorces make me
so sentimental.
Don't you wish it was ours?
Yes, miss.
I understand, miss.
- Who was it? A man or woman?
- A lady, sir.
- Did she give you a message?
- Yes, sir.
Well, what is it, what is it? Tell me.
It's no use getting excited, sir.
It was the wrong number.
Well, get everything ready. Hurry, hurry.
I'm leaving for the seashore immediately.
What, did another woman
propose to you?
Yes, sort of... No, no, no, no.
I've got a case.
- Case of what?
- Oh, dear. A divorce case.
With father out of town,
this is my opportunity.
- I'm going to handle it all myself.
- That will be good.
Yes. Hurry, man. Pack my things.
And Mr. Guy's also, sir?
What's he got to do with it?
Of course, a splendid idea.
You've got to come along.
Change will do you good.
You look a little liverish.
It isn't liver, sir. It's love, sir.
I can't leave London.
I'm waiting for a telephone call.
Guy, you're not pining for that girl?
Pining? Men don't pine. Girls pine.
Men just...
Guy, she hasn't called you in
over a fortnight.
It's perfectly obvious
that she's not interested.
You pulled her gown.
She pulled your leg.
- Maybe you're right.
- Of course.
I never waited two minutes
for a girl in my life...
...and here I've waited two weeks
for this one.
- Where are we going?
- Brightbourne, a marvelous hotel.
To the Hotel Mabel...
The Margaret... The Nellie...
Confound that woman.
Why did she come back into my life?
It doesn't make any difference.
The change will do you good.
Sea air, sunshine, gaiety, girls.
You're my type
Of a shy type of a beau, dear
Beg pardon?
So let's do things
Well, really.
I'll teach you a few things
Are you talking to me?
Now, who said just what you said
For I know, dear
No, no, I've been reading. Look here.
I'm not bashful
I'm mashful and pashful
I'm beginning to sense that.
When you're near I feel
So let's play house-y
Oh, you make me feel
So Mickey Mouse-y
For a well-known lawyer,
at a place like this...
You're sweet and so agreeable
And I feel so gosh-oh-geeable
Do warm me or I'll freeze
And let's k-nock k-nees
You are so bill and coo-able
And I'm so l-love-you-able
Come cuddle closer, please
And let's k-nock k-nees
Is this sort of a game?
They say make hay while the sun shines
It's an agricultural term.
So let's, oh, let's make hey-hey-hey
While the moon shines
My heart's so tick-tock-tick-able
Your lips are so lipstick-able
You know your ABCs
So let's k-nock k-nees
Oh, Guy...
Never mind.
It's so incomprehensible
It doesn't seem quite sensible
And yet I like it
Please, let's knock knees
It's almost hoi polloi-able
And yet it's quite enjoyable
Oh, I'm full of rhapsody
Too many people here.
Tripping, skipping, lightly bounding
- Stop it, knock it
- Really, this is most astounding
It makes one feel so thrill-able
Well, we've exhausted every syllable
I crave frivolity
I've got one. Let's k-nock...
Let's knock knees
Let's knock knees
Hello, hello.
Thank you, thank you.
Well, I've been looking all over for you.
- Just dancing.
- Oh, is that what it was?
This is a marvelous place, isn't it, Guy?
Remind me to come down here the next
time I want my constitution undermined.
I think it's wonderful.
Oh, what is the matter with you?
Are you still moping over that same girl?
Why, the world is just full of girls.
I know, I know, but not like her.
She's music.
She's the buzzing of the bees in clover.
She's the rustle of the leaves
in the trees.
She's water lapping on the shore.
Yes. She sounds like
a series of strange noises to me.
Well, cheer up, Guy, cheer up.
You may chance across her
again some time.
I know I will.
And when I do,
it won't be chance.
Chance is the fool's name for fate.
What was that last?
"Chance is the fool's name for fate"?
Guy, that's marvelous.
Where did you get it?
Where did I get it?
It's just a line from my last show,
that's all.
It's wonderful.
Make a good title for a song.
Chance is the fool's name for fate, my lad
Do you mind if I use it? Come in handy,
you know, to shoot into a conversation.
Go ahead, spring it on your father.
It may encourage him about you.
"Chance is the fool's name for fate."
I'll have to remember that.
I love the place.
Oh, if Father could only see...
...with what clat I am upholding
the professional dignity of the firm.
Guy, I'm going to stay here
and wait for my client.
Without me, Egbert.
I'm going to my room.
- I'll see you later.
- Well, I'll be here.
Pardon, you rang, sir?
Who, me? Why, my dear fellow,
what is there here to ring with?
Pardon, sir, that's just a figure of speech.
Well, bring me...
Let me have a...
There. There, you see?
Your figure of speech has made me
forget entirely what I wanted.
Could it have been
that you required crumpets, sir?
No, no, no. I never ring for crumpets.
Would you be the kind of man
who'd ring for a toasted scone, sir?
Scone? Well, now...
No, no, try me again.
Well, then, can you imagine yourself...
...with a hankering
for a nice gooseberry tart?
Oh, what an acid thought. Please.
No crumpets, no scones,
no gooseberry tart.
Well, that lands both of us
in a cul-de-sac, doesn't it, sir?
Of course it does. I knew it would.
You know, I hate to leave you like this.
You, torn with doubts...
...and me with my duty undischarged.
Oh, well, cheer up, old man, cheer up.
It will come to me.
Was it animal or vegetable, sir?
Well, that leaves us mineral, doesn't it, sir?
Now, sir, was it a bit of half-and-half?
A noggin of ale...
...a pipkin of porter...
...a stoup of stout...
...or a beaker of beer?
Tea? Well, isn't it a small world, sir?
- Hello, Mrs. Glossop.
- Oh, hello, Mr. Fitzgerald.
Well, well, well.
All ready for graduation day?
Oh, hello, Egbert.
Oh, no. It can't...
Oh, it is. It's a stowaway.
I thought you might forget something,
so I came down to help you.
So good of you. Yes, yes.
Now, Mrs. Glossop, before you register...
...I'm very anxious to have just a few
last words with you.
- Last words?
- Yes, if you don't mind. Right here.
Thank you. Now...
Oh, Egbert.
Yes. Now...
I have come to the conclusion
that to expedite matters... will be necessary for someone
to discover you with someone...
...other than your husband.
Just as a matter of form, of course.
Hortense, I don't think I can go
through with it.
Now, don't be silly. Get it over with.
Think of Cyril Glossop. Think hard.
I knew that would do it.
Good. Now, the young man
is on his way here.
You understand, of course,
it wouldn't be technically correct...
...for me to introduce you.
He will present himself to you.
Then we'll need a password.
It's too mysterious and wonderful.
Well, I have the password. I have it.
The young man will say to you,
"Chance is the fool's name for fate."
Nothing of the kind.
It's a thing of my own.
"Chance is the fool's name for fate."
Good. That's just it. Yes.
Now, it will be necessary
for you to have a name.
A name, of course, yes.
So your name will be Mrs. Green.
Green. I do adore green.
And, you know, the oculists say
it's very soothing to the eye.
Oh, Egbert, are you coming with us?
Why, Hortense. Oh, my, no.
You can't remain with her.
This is supposed to be
a clandestine affair.
You can't have a clandestine affair
between three people.
That's what you say.
By any chance, are you Mr. Tonetti?
Rudolfo Tonetti at your service.
Yes. Well, I am Mr. Fitzgerald.
Mr. Fitzgerald? I am delightful.
I shouldn't doubt it, old man.
I shouldn't doubt it.
But don't you think a corespondent
ought to come to work quietly?
Let's have more repose
and less Rigoletto.
I am ready for action
and I will do a first-class job.
Well, don't be too determined about it.
The lady in question is very sensitive
and you must treat her accordingly.
Whichever way the wind,
she is blowing, that is the way I sail.
- Yes. Well, sit down.
- Pardon, your tea, sir.
Your life, Mr. Tonetti...
...must be full of excitement.
Full of excitement and full of danger.
- Oh, yes, of course, from the husbands.
- No, from the ladies.
Oh, how interesting.
But, Tonetti, he know what to do.
Yes, sometimes the lady and I
have the conversations.
Sometimes I play the concertina.
Sometimes I play the solitaire,
but mostly I practice my singing.
At home, my wife
do not like me to sing.
Unquestionably, a woman
of great perspicacity.
You bet.
You're absolutely sure, Mr. Tonetti,
that my client will be safe?
Oh, signor, with me, strictly business.
My slogan:
"Your wife is safe with Tonetti.
He prefer spaghetti."
Now, listen.
- I'll give you the password.
- Yes.
When you see the lady,
you must go to her...
...and say, "Chance is
the fool's name for fate."
- "Chance is the foolish name..."
- "For fate."
"The fool's name for fate."
Yes. Well, tell me, please,
what she mean?
Well, you have to have some method.
You have to... When you...
Who? Oh, never mind.
- Never mind what it means. Just say it.
- Yes.
Now, Tonetti, remember...
...I want delicacy, tact,
assurance, finesse.
I have brought everything.
And now, con permesso, I go inside
to make the telephone call... tell my wife I am safely arrive.
"Fate is no fooling..." No.
"Chances are a foolish..."
Oh, scusi, please.
"Taking the name of a foolish..."
Pardon, ma'am,
can I be of service to you?
I doubt it.
Let me have the menu.
I'm waiting for my niece.
What have you?
Crumpets, ma'am.
That's too bad, isn't it.
Does it run in the family?
Begging your pardon, ma'am,
but that's very "whumsical."
- What?
- Very "whumsical," ma'am.
You know, like Sir James Barrie.
You mean "whimsical," don't you?
In a manner of speaking, yes, ma'am.
Why not "whamsical," then?
Pardon, ma'am, but "whumsical" is
much more whimsical than "whamsical."
You know, you're beginning to fascinate me
and I resent that in any man.
I'm sorry, ma'am.
Oh, hello, darling.
I was just going to order.
I really can't eat a thing.
But you must eat. After all, you can't
have a divorce on an empty stomach.
What's the matter?
You look as though
you'd seen your husband.
It's Guy Holden,
the man I told you about.
What have you done?
Sent out invitations for this affair?
Well, I didn't know he was here.
Oh, he mustn't see me.
Mimi. Mimi.
I've been chasing after you.
You mustn't run like that.
- Why not?
- It's bad for my health.
What are you doing here?
- Same as you.
- What?
I came down here
looking for pieces of my heart.
Oh, no. Mimi, do you know
what I've been doing?
Thinking of you, longing for you,
waiting to hear from you.
I haven't left my telephone.
Well, as I remember it,
you gave me a London number.
Well, I had to come down here
just overnight.
A little business.
Oh, yes, I saw quite a few of them
in bathing suits this afternoon.
Oh, no, Mimi. Nothing like that.
Why didn't you at least
just leave some message for me?
- I did.
- You did?
But they said that you'd left London.
Mimi, you did call. That's wonderful.
I'd better leave now.
Please don't go.
It's going to be grand here.
They're having a gala on the esplanade.
It's usually pretty terrible.
But think what it will mean
to miss seeing it.
It's worthwhile staying down here
just to miss it.
Please don't ask me to stay.
All right, I won't.
Don't go. I've so many things
to say to you.
Like the beat, beat, beat
Of the tom-tom
When the jungle shadows fall
Like the tick, tick, tock
Of the stately clock
As it stands against the wall
Like the drip, drip, drip
Of the raindrops
When the summer shower is through
So a voice within me keeps repeating
"You, you, you"
Night and day
You are the one
Only you beneath the moon
And under the sun
Whether near to me or far
It's no matter, darling
Where you are
I think of you
Night and day
Day and night
Why is it so
That this longing for you
Follows wherever I go?
In the roaring traffic's boom
In the silence of my lonely room
I think of you
Night and day
Night and day
Under the hide of me
There's an oh-such-a-hungry yearning
Burning inside of me
And its torment
Won't be through
Till you let me spend my life
Making love to you
Day and night
Night and day
I still don't know
what you're doing down here.
I came down with my aunt.
Isn't that a coincidence.
I'm here with my aunt too. Aunt Egbert.
Yes, Egbert Fitzgerald,
lawyer friend of mine.
We're down here on a case.
Aren't you ever gonna stop
running away from me?
When two people are destined
to come together as we are...
...there's no use in struggling.
Do you believe in that kind of destiny?
Of course I do. In these things
there's no such a thing as chance.
"Chance is the fool's name for fate."
Why, yes, of course it is.
So you're the man I've been waiting for.
None other.
I'll be waiting for you
in my room, 216, at midnight.
My dear, it's 12:00.
I feel just like New Year's Eve.
Good luck to you.
Oh, don't leave me.
I can't bear to face him.
He seems so different.
Oh, there's nothing different
about any of them except the neckties.
Him, of all people.
Well, aren't you even astonished?
Me? Astonished?
I haven't been astonished since I was 8.
And mind you, I wasn't precocious,
just moderately intelligent.
I'll give him the most miserable night
of his entire business career.
A locked door between us.
You seem to be going to a lot of trouble
for a man you hate.
Could anything be more degrading?
Well, after all, my dear...
...a corespondent must be
something of an artist.
He has to have
a sense of balance, you know.
Rather like a mountain goat.
Well, I think I'll look up Egbert.
The poor darling
must be lost without me.
Oh, you needn't run away.
I knew you were coming here.
- You knew?
- Of course. I'm Mimi's aunt.
I know, but I have relatives myself.
This isn't exactly old-home week, is it?
Well, nothing is ever done without me.
You're not planning to be there.
Well, of course not.
Just a moment, please. You see...
...I don't know Mimi very well.
I wish you'd please tell me about her.
Well, I'll let her tell you.
After all, if she has to keep you here...
...she'll want something
to talk about, won't she?
Keep me here?
Well, she has to.
Say, which one of us is crazy?
Well, it's not me.
All of this is a bit of a shock to me.
Well, your being here
is a bit of a shock to Mimi too.
Yes, but it's Mimi's own doing.
Well, I think it's much better
to have this settled now, at once.
And then the poor girl
can start a new life.
A new life?
Brand-new. She's gonna make
a clean sweep of the old.
- I see.
- Yes. Yes, and you're the broom.
I'll be right out.
I'm sorry I've kept you waiting.
Mimi, there's something I wanna...
...get straight in my mind.
- Yes?
At first you were so shy
and so reserved...
...and then this evening you were...
Well, what was I?
- Lovely.
- Was I?
Yes, but that's not
what I'm trying to say.
Well, what are you trying to say?
Well, I'm trying
to describe the shock. You see...
Well, that negligee
is charming. Charming.
- From Paris, isn't it?
- You ought to know.
You've probably seen plenty of them.
Well, a few, of course.
Of course.
But never one like that.
Oh, Mimi...
- Stay where you are.
- What?
Keep away from me. Now, will you please
keep your distance and I'll keep mine.
I want you to sit there.
What's the matter with it?
Now, we're going through with this
in a dignified silence.
I'd really prefer it.
It's warm, isn't it?
Do you mind if I recite capitals?
- What?
- Capitals of states.
North Dakota: Bismarck.
Wyoming: Cheyenne.
Ohio: Columbus.
It's lots of fun. I used to do it as a boy.
I don't care what you did as a boy.
Well, I did nothing as a girl
so there goes my childhood.
- Oh, Mimi...
- Keep your place.
Oh, scusi, one moment, please.
Give me a name for chance
and I am a fool.
Captain. Captain!
Maybe I'm a mistake.
Oh, signora.
Fate is a foolish thing
to take chances with.
So are you.
Oh, scusi. You are not the lady.
Stay where you are.
Oh, Mimi, I mean to say...
...I thought that after the few
lovely moments we've had together that...
How can you have the impudence
to speak of that now?
But I suppose it's just the callousness
of your kind.
- My kind?
- Don't think you fooled me for a moment.
I knew what you were all along.
I knew how you made your living.
Oh, I'll admit I'm not proud of it,
but I hope to do better someday.
And in the meantime
it does bring me in a decent income.
Some people will do anything for money.
It's not as bad as all that.
After all, I bring pleasure
to thousands of people.
Yes, tens of thousands.
I bring romance to tens of thousands
of shop girls, servant girls...
- You might spare me, Mr. Bluebeard.
Oh, Mimi, if I would...
Are you expecting someone?
Why, of course.
But not till morning.
- Who is it?
- Hortense.
I better get out of here.
I have something very,
very important to tell you.
Oh, dear, if I only could remember
what it was.
- It was something about that man.
- What man?
Oh, yes. Are you sure
you have the right one?
- Well, he gave me the password.
- Well, I met a man downstairs and he said:
"Fate is a foolish thing
to take chances with." I said, "So are you."
Then he said,
"You're not the lady."
Maybe he said, "You're not a lady."
I don't know, my darling.
I was so upset I can't be sure.
Oh, wouldn't it be too awful
if I've made a mistake?
Go and ask him.
But I'll have to confess
that I'm married and why I'm here.
Well, don't ask him then,
but find out everything you can.
But until I'm sure,
well, how shall I treat him?
Oh, I don't know. Be feminine and sweet,
if you can blend the two.
I really must go and find Egbert again
and tell him all about this.
You don't think Egbert is hiding
from me, do you?
May I run along now?
Must you go just yet?
Won't you come in
and sit down for a while?
I didn't do so well in here.
Well, of course,
if you'd rather stay out there.
Guy... you think it was fair
not to tell me something of your work?
Well, I've been trying to forget about it.
Well... did you get started in your career?
Oh, I was started by
a very well-known actress.
And the thousands
and thousands came later. I see.
Oh, well, in a way, yes.
You see, she encouraged me
from my very first step.
- Very first step?
- Yes.
Dance step. I'm a dancer by profession.
You knew that, of course.
Do you mind?
Why, no. No, I'm glad.
I'm glad.
You know, you're the most emotionally
unstable girl I've ever met.
Scusi, lady. I am fate to take
foolish chances with.
I cannot find the lady.
I give everywhere the passwords,
and everywhere I get the slaps.
Well, I don't under... Oh, by Jove.
I forgot to tell you the lady's name.
It's Mrs. Green. She's in room 216.
And listen, no more prowling around
this hotel like a hyena.
And be sure the lady doesn't leave
her room before morning.
Tonetti, he stays, do and die,
until the detective, she arrive.
That's right,
and when the detectives get...
Oh, my word,
I forgot all about the detectives.
Detectives or no detectives,
Tonetti, he gets paid. Tonetti, I am here.
Well, I'll rush up to London.
I'll bring the detectives
first thing in the morning.
Oh, dear.
- Egbert.
- Detectives... What?
- Where were you going?
- Why? I'm... No. I was just thinking...
- Looking for you.
- Yes, I've been looking for you.
I have something
important to tell you.
Not now. I've gotta rush to London.
No, but I must tell you now.
Yes. Well, what is it?
What is it? What is it?
Well, that's just it.
I can't remember what it is.
Egbert, you're so tempestuous.
You drive everything
right out of my head.
I'm sorry, but I can't wait.
- Well, then I'll go to London with you.
- What?
And maybe it will come back to me
by the time we get there.
Besides, you mustn't ride alone at night.
I'll bet you say that
to every man you marry.
- Oh, Egbert.
- Oh, well, come along, dear. Come along.
Aren't the shadows on the sand lovely?
Yes, they are. Lovely.
And the light on the water.
The edge of the cloud
crossing the moon.
Look, it's coming out.
Look, Guy, it's coming out.
It came out.
Oh, isn't it beautiful?
It's a honey.
I wonder what causes
that peculiar effect.
That's what I'm trying to figure out.
Mimi, who is that man
that just went into your room?
- Man?
- I saw a weird-Iooking individual go in there.
How many men
did you invite here tonight?
Mimi, are you married?
- What?
- Is it your husband?
- Husband?
- Yes, husb...
- Oh, scusi, please, scusi.
- What are you doing here?
Chances are that fate is foolish.
Will you please stay here just a minute?
- It's no one.
- No one?
Mimi, who is it? What's he doing here?
Well, he's here on business.
- Let's look at the moon.
- Not until I throw him out.
No, no, no. You mustn't. Oh, you can't.
Well, then please tell me who he is.
Well, he...
- I am married.
- You, married?
To a geologist.
Oh, then it is your husband.
Oh, no, no.
You see, I'm not really married.
That is, I won't be very long.
I'm getting a divorce right away...
...and he's here to help me get it.
Wait a minute.
Mimi, are you the women whose divorce
Egbert Fitzgerald is handling?
And you thought
I was your corespondent?
Oh, but now how could you
possibly think a thing like that?
Well, you said the right words.
What right words?
Oh, scusi, please, scusi.
Fate is the foolish thing. Take a chance.
Are you the corespondent?
Rudolfo Tonetti, at your service.
- You are no longer needed.
- What?
I am taking your place.
Are you a union man?
Are you hired by Mr. Egbert too?
Oh, Mr. Tonetti, you don't understand.
This gentleman isn't to take your place.
He isn't going to stay.
- Then you need me.
- Nothing of the kind. You're intruding.
- Get out of here.
- But, Guy...
Think I'm gonna leave you with an Italian?
He might be a tenor.
I was wrong.
- I'm gonna throw him out.
- Oh, but, Guy.
But I have a contract
and I sue for damages.
First for my ear, second for my honor...
...and third...
- Quiet, please, both of you.
This is my affair. I'm here for a divorce,
and Mr. Tonetti must stay.
Well, if he stays, I stay.
I feel crowded, but that's life.
At last my call, she come.
Scusi, please. I answer.
Hello? Oh, hello, hello, Maria.
Six times I call you and you are busy.
Gives always:
Yes, the busy signal.
Yes, yes, I'm all right.
No, blond.
Just a blond.
Scusi, signora, but I talk to the wife.
She want to know all about the lady.
Yes, kiss the kiddies for me.
What? Maria.
Maria, who is that speaking to you?
What do you think?
My little son Rodolfo only 9 years old
and already his voice is changing.
Good night, sweetheart.
You stay, you do not stay.
Tonetti does not care.
But no monkey business.
And the lady must not leave the room
while Tonetti is on the case.
You mean we're prisoners?
You don't think I'm going
to take the lady away?
- I will see that you do not.
- That's awfully nice of you.
Oh, scusi, maybe you like to play
some three-handed bridge?
- No, thank you.
- No?
Not a bit.
All right, then I go inside
and play some solitaire.
And please remember not to leave.
I watch.
- Guy, I don't wanna drag you into this.
- But I wanna be in it. And from now on.
You know, I don't think it's gonna be
so bad being kept prisoner here.
Hello, hello.
That doesn't sound
like the prisoners' song to me.
That's not a bad tune.
- What is it?
- It's the newest thing here.
- It's called the Continental.
- The Continental?
I like it.
That's the second thing I've found
I'd like to take back home with me.
Do you know the words?
It's beautiful music
Dangerous rhythm
It's something daring
The Continental
A way of dancing
That's really ultra new
It's very subtle
The Continental
Because it does
What you want it to do
It has a passion
The Continental
An invitation
To moonlight and romance
It's quite the fashion
The Continental
Because you tell of your love
While you dance
Your lips whisper so tenderly
Her eyes answer your song
Two bodies swaying
The Continental
And you are saying
Just what you're dreaming of
So keep on dancing
The Continental
For it's a song of romance
And of love
You kiss
While you're dancing
That's not a bad idea.
It's Continental
It's Continental
You sing
While you're dancing
Your voice is gentle
And sentimental
You stroll together
Arm in arm
You nonchalantly glide along
With grace and charm
You will find
While you're dancing
That there's a rhythm
In your heart and soul
A certain rhythm
That you can't control
And you will do the Continental
All the time
Oh, can't we go down there
and join the fun?
But what if our jailer should catch us?
I forgot all about "scusi, please."
What is it?
An idea, an idea.
Is this one of those?
I think I know how we can get out of here
without our friend Tonetti missing us.
This is something
I used to do as a boy.
- I don't care what you did as a boy.
- "What you did as a boy." I know.
This might work, though.
Look, you've got me
cutting out paper dolls.
Oh, I see.
Well, I'll go change.
- That's cute.
- That's beautiful.
Come on.
Look, Mimi. There he is...
Beautiful music
Dangerous rhythm
It's something daring
The Continental
A way of dancing
That's really ultra new
It's very subtle
The Continental
Because it does
What you want it to do
It has a passion
The Continental
An invitation
To moonlight and romance
It's quite the fashion
The Continental
Because you tell of your love
While you dance
Your lips whisper so tenderly
Her eyes answer your song
Two bodies swaying
The Continental
And you are saying
Just what you're thinking of
So keep on dancing
The Continental
For it's the song
Of romance and of love
You kiss
While you're dancing
The Continental
The Continental
You sing
While you're dancing
Your voice is gentle
So sentimental
You'll know before
The dance is through
That you're in love with she
And she's in love with you
You'll find
While you're dancing
There's a rhythm
In your heart and soul
A certain rhythm
That you can't control
And you'll do the Continental
All the time
Dukes and lords
Of noble station
Love the new sophistication
Of the Continental
In a Belgian hall room
In the Monte Carlo ballroom
You will see the Continental
In a Paris bistro
Crowded with apache
You will see the Continental
In the best French fashion
Spain and Italy, Transylvania
Norway, Sweden and Romania
Do the Continental
On the dikes of Zuider Zee
The wooden shoes have found the key
To Continental
It's like a fever
It's like a plague
It's swept all Europe
From Moscow to The Hague
You kiss
While you're dancing
The Continental
The rhythm is driving you wild
The Continental
A meter that isn't so mild
You sing
While you're dancing
His voice is gentle, it thrills you
The touch of his hand
The Continental
A meter that you understand
You'll know
Before the dance is through
That you're in love with her
And she's in love with you
You'll find while you're dancing
That there's a rhythm
In your heart and soul
A certain rhythm
That you can't control
The Continental
The Continental
The Continental
He's gone. Come on.
- Now, why did you do this?
- I wanted to be sure of you.
- Who is this?
- How do I know?
This isn't my racket. You've been
through these things before.
I know, but you've upset
my entire routine.
- Find out who it is.
- Yes.
- Who is it?
- It's the waiter, sir.
- It's the waiter.
- Ask him what he wants.
- What do you want?
- Breakfast.
Breakfast. What shall we do?
Give him his breakfast.
No, wait a minute.
- Oh, Mimi. Oh, Mimi.
- Yes?
There's a waiter
who says he wants breakfast.
- What?
- That's what he says.
The poor fellow may be hungry.
Clown. That's our breakfast.
I just ordered it.
- That's our breakfast, Tonetti.
- I open it.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
- Did you rest comfortably?
- Oh, yes, indeed.
- Put that right here.
- Yes. May I?
- Mr. Tonetti, you sit there.
- Thank you.
And, Guy, you sit there.
You know, I'd like to have breakfast
with you every morning.
Yes? Thank you.
I hope you like what I ordered.
You know, I've never had breakfast
with two gentlemen before.
I've tried it. It's no fun.
Now, now, when the detectives arrive,
we must be very careful.
Oh, I hope they don't arrive too soon.
I've grown to like
both of you tremendously.
That's so sweet.
- Guy. Guy, you'd better hide.
- Let Tonetti hide.
She's right. You'll ruin all. Go.
Guy, please.
You want me to be free, don't you?
- I'll hide, but call if you need me.
- Yes, yes.
Go ahead.
- No, not over here.
- Where?
Over there. Anywhere. Just stay...
Coffee, ma'am.
I thought it best to keep it hot for you.
- Guy.
- Yes, dear.
It's all right. It's just the waiter
with the coffee.
Waiter, next time you knock,
let's have some sort of signal.
Like this, will you?
I can't be dashing in and out,
coffee or no coffee.
Oh, I see.
Knock each time.
- I understand.
- Yes, you see, that's it.
Tell me, the gentleman in this case
is a scientist, is he not?
A very distinguished scientist
in his own field.
A fossil among fossils. A geologist.
- Pardon, but are you discussing geology?
- Always and again.
If you'll excuse me, sir,
I have an unnatural passion for rocks.
Well, you ought
to be ashamed of yourself.
Oh, no, sir,
it's a wonderful thing, geology, sir.
Do you know, geologically speaking,
this little island of Great Britain... 500 million
and 3 and one-half years old?
How do you know it's exactly that old?
Professor Brown told me it was
500 million years old when I first met him...
...and that was
three and a half years ago.
- Who was that?
- Professor Brown.
- Professor Brown?
- Yes. He's a geologist.
Him and his wife stopped
at the last place I worked.
Do you know, sir,
it was Professor Brown who told me...
...that this seacoast around here
is really an igneous intrusion?
You know, you're somewhat
of an igneous intrusion yourself.
Oh, thank you, sir.
Now, to return to the facts, we...
Is that the way
you want me to knock, sir?
- Yes, thank you. Thank you.
- Thank you.
I see. Thank you very much.
Oh, what a day this is going to be.
- Well, Mrs. Glossop.
- Hello, Egbert.
Quiet, pl...
Oh, Guy, what are you doing here?
Oh, Egbert, that's what I've been trying
to remember to tell you about.
- Oh, was it?
- Yes.
This is my Mimi.
Oh, really? Yes. Well, this is my finish.
- Tonetti, if you have bungled this job...
- Now, scusi, signor, please, scusi.
Now, Guy, get out.
You're messing up the whole thing.
- You brought the detectives?
- Better than that.
I've pulled a supreme coup.
A masterpiece.
I'll bet this will be good.
I have brought Mr. Glossop.
- My husband?
- Yes.
The husband is coming.
Shut up, Guy. You've got to get out.
- No more hiding.
- Oh, please, Guy. You promised.
All right, I'll hide.
But please call if you need me.
- Call anyhow.
- Yes, I will.
Mimi, it was my idea to have your
husband here. Wasn't it clever of me?
Oh, Hortense, why did you do that?
Something terrible is liable to happen.
- Courage, I don't think he'll shoot.
- Shoot?
Is somebody going to shoot? Let's wait.
Shoot? Mr. Egbert, never, never have I had
to come in contact with a husband before.
I don't think it's fair to ask me to do so
now. Where are the detectives?
I demand the detectives.
It's in my contract.
I'm sorry. I can't do anything about that.
He's probably on his way up.
Do something. Do something.
Look amorous. Tonetti, look amorous.
Hortense, look... Never mind.
- Come on, come on.
- Yes, Egbert.
Well, this is too much for Tonetti.
Quick, quick. What shall we do?
Well, Mr. Egbert said try
to look amorous. See, like this:
Oh, you just look sick.
Well, try this:
Come in.
Pardon, madam,
I hope I knocked the right way.
- Now you've spoiled everything.
- I'm sorry, sir. I came for the dishes.
Oh, well, the dishes can wait.
- Can't we do something with him?
- Yes, here.
- Go quickly there, please.
- Yes, hide him.
- In the bedroom?
- Yes. Hurry. Hurry.
- Yes, hurry.
- Oh, now, sir, please...
- Hi, waiter.
- How do you do, sir?
- You hiding too?
- Yes, sir. They just shoved me in here.
Now, once more.
Come in.
Oh, Cyril.
Who is this fellow?
This is my husband.
Oh, how do you do?
I'm so very pleased.
You haven't answered my question.
I must confess, he's my...
This object?
No, I don't believe it.
My dear child, he's nothing to you.
He has all the earmarks
of a hired corespondent.
That is not true.
She love me and I love she.
Mimi, you amuse me.
I'd never believe it with him.
This...? This hairdresser?
Guy! Guy!
I'm sorry to ask you to do this,
but will you kiss me?
I'm not sorry.
Bravo. Bravissimo.
And who, pray, is this new Lothario?
After the divorce,
we're going to be married.
What divorce?
Why, aren't you going to divorce me?
Why, no, my dear.
I'm going to forgive you.
Forgive her.
Enough of this nonsense.
Mimi, you pack up your things
and come home at once.
At once, I tell you.
Why, you're just a little lamb who's strayed.
And you, sir,
are just an ineffectual little puppy.
At last, I've got my chance
to throw somebody out.
Oh, no, no, Guy.
You mustn't, please.
Pardon me, ma'am.
May I go now? I've got my work to do.
Yes, yes, go ahead.
Why, how do you do, Professor Brown?
Professor Brown?
How are you, professor,
if you don't mind my asking?
Oh, is this your dear old friend,
the rock thrower?
Yes, sir, that's him.
That's ridiculous.
He doesn't know what he's talking about.
- I never saw this man in my life.
- Oh, come, professor.
Don't you remember all those little chats
we used to have about rocks?
You and me and your wife?
No, I do not.
And would you know
the professor's wife if you saw her?
Why, of course I would, sir.
Am I Mrs. Brown?
No, ma'am. You're Mrs. Green.
Well, strike me pink.
You see, Mrs. Brown, she was French.
She couldn't speak a word of English.
Why, Buster Brown,
this is most "unfossilish" of you, sir.
I've got to catch a train.
- Let me pass, sir.
- I will not, sir.
- Let me pass, I say.
- Never, sir.
Well, well, what happened? Did it work?
Did it work?
Meet the future Mrs. Holden.
Oh, now... Oh, I told you.
I told you.
Father will be so proud of me.
- Egbert and I are going to be married too.
- Yes.
Why, darling, why, what's the mat...?
We were married last night,
on our way back from London.
Last night? Were we?
Why, of course, sir, we were.
Darling, I'd forgotten about it.
Isn't it wonderful?
I'll tell you what we'll do.
We'll hurry back to London
to have a celebration.
Oh, scusi, scusi, I'm also very good
at parties.