The Ghosts of Buxley Hall (1980) Movie Script
(BUGLE PLAYING OFF-KEY)
HUBERT: Order. Arms.
Ready?
Fire!
Company A all present
and accounted for, sir!
Very good, Captain.
Proceed to classes as scheduled.
Uh, I thought there were
two hundred men to a company.
There were. Until Buxley's enrollment
went into a nose dive.
(CHUCKLES)
Not much call for military spit and polish
these days, is there, Mr. Hart?
HUBERT: At ease!
(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
Good morning. Here we are.
(UNENTHUSIASTICALLY) Whoopee.
Gentlemen, if you'll join me in my office,
I can explain how this merger
will solve all our financial problems.
(BUS APPROACHING)
(GIRLS GIGGLING)
Hello, Colonel Buxley.
Miss Wakefield! Good morning.
You were expecting us, weren't you?
I mean, we do have an arrangement.
Well, yes. But there are still
some small details to be worked out.
Well, then, this takes care
of the first one.
Determining exact time of arrival.
Yes.
Well, perhaps it's just as well.
These gentlemen are here
from the bank to determine
if our arrangement will satisfy the
academy's current mortgage problems.
-Mr. Hart, the president.
-Hello.
Mr. Quimby, the loan officer.
-How do you do?
-Nice to meet you.
This is Miss Emily Wakefield,
the principal of
the Wakefield School for Girls.
Correction, Colonel.
I believe the new title is co-director of
the Buxley Academy for Boys and Girls.
Right.
(GIRLS CLAMORING)
(BOYS MURMURING)
Eyes front!
(WHISTLING)
Hey! How about some help over here!
Hey! Come on, you guys. Come on!
(KIDS CLAMORING)
Attention!
Fall in! On the double!
Move it! Move it! Move it!
Sir! It was her fault.
Oh, bug off!
-Fall in, Captain.
-Yes, sir!
(SCOFFS) Girls.
Mr. Hart, I still don't see how the merger
of the two schools can possibly succeed.
Buxley is almost a year behind
in its mortgage payments
and Wakefield
was forced to close its doors
because of its unsound
financial condition.
Oh, now, just a minute!
It wasn't the school's fault.
Our benefactor died and the estate sold
the property to build a shopping mall.
-Can you imagine?
-HART: Hmm.
Anyway, now that Buxley
is stepping out of the dark ages
by going co-educational...
Dark ages?
I'm sure that our enrollment
has to increase.
Even so, how do you propose
to meet the mortgage payments?
Gentlemen, ever since
General Eulace C. Buxley
founded this academy in 1876,
it has managed to survive
every possible threat to its existence.
Financial or otherwise.
I'm sorry, sir.
I still say no loan extension.
I say foreclose!
I disagree, Quimby.
I'm going to recommend that
the loan committee extend the loan
for six months.
Thank you, Mr. Hart. You won't regret it.
-Good luck, Colonel. Miss Wakefield.
-Thank you.
Quimby.
Well, that's that!
Imagine thinking that two mature
educators couldn't work together
to build a successful future.
(LAUGHS) How naive!
Yes.
I... I don't understand, Mr. Hart.
You had every reason to foreclose.
You want to be a vice president,
don't you, Quimby?
Oh, yes, sir! More than anything!
Then use your head.
The academy has been on the market
one year without a single offer.
We foreclose now and
we'll never get our investment out of it.
Oh, good thinking, Mr. Hart.
In the meantime, you better pray
that the merger works
until we can dump this turkey!
Yes, sir.
What are you staring at,
you old blunderbuss?
If you knew
that your great-great-grandson
was taking females into this academy,
you'd be spinning in your grave!
That goes for you too, you big ape!
It would wipe that smug expression
right off your hairy face.
(GIRLS LAUGHING)
Females? Females in my academy?
Eulace, remember your liver!
Drat my liver, woman!
We are being invaded!
Sergeant-Major Sweet. Front and center!
Yes, sir!
Reconnaissance reports females
storming the halls of Buxley!
No. That's impossible, sir.
(GIRLS TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
Okay, okay, girls!
Go on in there so I can give you
your room assignments. Come on.
-It's true!
-How nice. May I see them?
Bettina, stand fast!
Sergeant!
What did I vow on my death bed?
To defend these hallowed halls from
any harm for all eternity, if need be, sir!
And, by George, so I shall!
Even if it means war!
But, first things first.
Sergeant, prepare to reconnoiter.
Eulace? Since they are young ladies,
perhaps I can be of help?
Bettina, my dear,
a woman's place is behind the lines.
Where it's safe!
Ah, so it's you, is it?
Call me a hairy ape when I'm asleep,
will you?
I'm gonna teach you a lesson!
All right! Stand fast, you old geezer.
Sergeant, he can't see you,
he can't see any of us.
-He can't?
-You're a ghost.
You cannot be seen or heard
unless you will it.
Oh.
Now, for the moment, we will be unseen.
Sergeant! To the ramparts!
By George! Indoor plumbing!
Permission to water down, sir.
Seeing as how it's been over 80 years.
Very well. But don't take all day.
That's good, sir. You ought to try it.
Now, listen, you take the right flank
and I'll take the left flank.
And no shenanigans, hear?
Big ape, is it?
(SPLUTTERING)
(GASPING)
(CHUCKLING)
Just the way I left it.
Good work, Colonel.
Tradition! That's the only way to go.
Colonel, about these arrangements.
I thought as co-directors, we were
supposed to share this office equally.
We are, Miss Wakefield.
You have a desk. I have a desk.
(SIGH) And these rules of conduct.
Yes. I'd like you to sign them
so I can post them immediately.
As a joint order.
Joint order?
But you wrote them up alone.
"No fraternization." "No mixed classes."
"Separate meals"?
C'mon, Colonel, this is the 20th century!
I mean, women have been treated
as equals at West Point
and Annapolis for two decades now!
What's that?
Women at Annapolis? West Point?
Good grief!
That has nothing to do
with our arrangement.
Well, maybe I misunderstood,
but I don't remember you ever saying
anything about separate but equal.
It was supposed to be
share and share alike.
Miss Wakefield, in no way
am I going to undermine
over 100 years of tradition
here at Buxley
to please a bunch of silly, giggling girls
who don't know the first thing about...
My girls are not a bunch of silly gigglers!
(GIRLS GIGGLING)
I rest my case.
We'll see about that.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Good lad! That's a chip off the old block!
-Excuse me, sir.
-Yes.
The new applicant's
just arrived with his family.
-The Ross boy?
-Yes, sir.
Yes. Ross Industries.
Send them in, Lieutenant. Send them in.
Yes, sir.
Are there really women at West Point?
(GIRLS LAUGHING)
Sergio!
-Excuse me!
-Behave yourself!
The Colonel will see you now.
-Oh, thank you.
-Step this way, please.
No, no, no! Dear, you wait right here.
That's it.
They're not your parents, are they?
Oh, no. That's my Uncle George
and Aunt Ernestine.
Who's the weirdo with the mustache?
He's a real Count from Italy.
How did you know
they weren't my parents?
After two stepfathers? I'm an expert!
How come they're enrolling you here?
Oh, they probably hope I won't run away,
like I did from all the other schools.
How many others?
-Three.
-Wow! That bad, huh?
(CHUCKLES) Yeah!
Here. Never did like chewing alone.
Thanks.
Oh, yeah. I'm Posie. Posie Taylor.
Jeremy Ross.
Your parents alive?
Hey, you don't have to say another word
if you don't want to, Jeremy.
No. I like talking to you, Posie.
You know those three other schools?
I never had anybody to talk to.
Especially on weekends,
when all their parents would come up.
HUBERT: All right! Gum out!
I said, gum out!
Hey, if you're sore about this morning,
I'm sorry.
Really!
Under regulations, students cannot
chew gum in non-dormitory hours.
Well, my friend here isn't a student yet.
And I never read regulations.
They give me warts.
If you're going to enroll here,
I'd suggest you stay away from her!
And let me assure you, Mr. Ross,
the merger was strictly
a matter of economic necessity.
That's perfectly understandable.
Nevertheless, you did
misrepresent your academy.
On the contrary, ma'am.
Only the facilities will be shared.
Meaning Buxley will continue
to maintain its age-old tradition
as one of the nation's finest
military schools for boys.
I think it's terrific, Colonel, and I'm sure
Jeremy will enjoy the challenge.
-I agree, sir.
-I disagree.
I agree with her disagree.
(STAMMERING)
No, what I meant to say was that
the boy will be much happier with us.
With you!
So that's why you two
came home so fast.
Colonel, I wonder if we might have
a moment of privacy
for a family conference.
Of course. Umm...
I'll just step out
and introduce myself to the boy.
Take all the time you need.
SERGIO: Colonel.
Ernestine, no way am I going to allow
you and this perfumed gigolo of yours
to take over the custody of Jeremy.
Signore!
I am the Count Sergio
Luchesi Di Gonzini of San Remo,
and also her adoring husband.
Her sixth!
-Seventh!
-Eighth.
Which doesn't give you
much say in our family affairs.
So, why don't you butt out!
Okay.
My little espresso, shall we tell him
what the lawyer said, huh?
-What lawyer?
-Ha!
The lawyer who told me that
even though our dear departed brother
named you
the boy's legal guardian in his will,
no court in the land is going to allow
an inexperienced bachelor
to continue to toy
with the future of that dear, sweet child.
Now, look here, Ernestine...
No! You look here, George!
You're a man. A very busy man.
There is no way that you can give
Jeremy the love of a devoted aunt
who will dedicate herself entirely
to his welfare.
To the welfare
of his 10 million dollar inheritance...
Oh, George.
All right! All right!
Before we get into some kind
of a court battle,
why don't we ask Jeremy
whether he wants to stay or not?
Jeremy? He's a child...
(ARGUING LOUDLY)
ERNESTINE:
He can't possibly make that decision.
Don't be ridiculous, George!
Sir!
What is it?
I'm sorry to report the entire second floor
has been taken over
by those little sweethearts.
Oh, no!
This is worse than I thought.
Personally, Jeremy, I'm sold on Buxley...
But remember, darling,
it is completely up to you. Yes!
I mean, if you don't like marching around
some cold, windy field
after getting up at six in the morning
and a breakfast of watery eggs,
well, you just say so
and you can come home with me!
I will make baloney for you.
You will like, eh!
Oh, he's going to stay.
Aren't you, Jeremy?
Yeah.
-A wise choice, young man.
-Good boy!
What a nice little girl!
Well! Then, we can sign the agreement
and go over the curriculum.
Well, gentlemen, if you will excuse me,
today is my day for charity work
at the hospital.
Darling, if you change your mind,
just let me know.
Cara Mia! You hate charity work.
-Sergio?
-Cara?
Shut up!
Mozzarella!
Cadet Captain Teddy Roosevelt.
I wonder whatever happened to him.
GEORGE: That should about do it.
Here's a check
covering the first semester.
And if Jeremy is happy here,
I'll guarantee Buxley a sizable donation.
So long as he stays
to complete his education.
Well, that's... That's very generous
of you, Mr. Ross. Very.
Thank you for all your help, Colonel.
-It's my pleasure.
-I'll keep in touch.
-Good day, Mr. Ross.
-Good day.
You hear that, Rodney?
We have a benefactor!
We look after the Ross boy
and our troubles are behind us!
The academy is saved!
Does that mean it's not too late
to call off the merger?
The merger?
Oh, no! Of course it's too late!
No, wait!
No... Wait.
It's so simple, Rodney.
If we just stick to our traditional
military school schedule,
by the time the week is out
those females will be so exhausted,
they'll be begging us
to call off the merger.
Hallelujah.
They want equality,
well, we're gonna give it to them!
Fall back to the command post,
Sergeant!
I think the knucklehead has it.
I had no idea your nephew was so...
Rich.
Yeah.
-Oh, but so unhappy.
-Oh, dear.
And now that the poor boy
has his heart set on staying at Buxley,
well, I just don't know how to tell him
that the place might go bankrupt
at any moment.
Bankrupt? Oh, ho!
No, no. I'm sure that won't happen,
Mrs. Di Gonzini.
Contessa Ernestine Di Gonzini,
of San Remo.
Contessa.
-Countess.
-Countess, of course.
You see, now that Buxley
and Wakefield have merged,
well, I'm sure
that everything will work out very nicely.
But, what if the girls withdraw?
Buxley would sink like a rock.
-Mmm.
-ERNESTINE: Mmm.
Of course, I'd buy the place myself if I
thought that would make Jeremy happy.
You would?
Oh, yes.
But, then Mr...
Quimby.
Quimby.
Money can't buy happiness, can it?
Well, I...
-Yes.
-No.
No, no.
All this talk of money is very depressing.
Well, you will let me know
if there is anything I can do?
Instantly. I promise you.
Here, take my card.
-Oh, thank you. Mr...
-Quimby.
-Quimby. Yes.
-I do hope you will keep in touch.
-Won't you?
-Yes.
Yes. We might just do that.
Count, come along.
I still can't get over it.
Women at Annapolis!
And West Point!
It must have been quite a shock, Eulace.
Oh, indeed! Indeed! Indeed!
And all the more reason Buxley academy
must stand as a beacon
to those who know that
the strength of this country lies solely
in the integrity and character
of its young men.
Now, in order to ensure victory,
we must attack on two fronts.
One, since financial salvation rests
upon the happiness of the new cadet...
Sergeant!
You will see
that the boy is thrilled to tears.
Oh, sir, I never liked kids.
I mean, my own sister always whined...
As you say, sir!
And on the second front,
we must give strategic support
to Colonel Buxley's offensive
against Miss Wakefield.
That should be a cakewalk, sir.
What, with me popping in and out.
Scaring the bejeebers out of them.
-Maybe I could even...
-At ease.
Now, use your brain, man.
If word gets out that Buxley is haunted,
what rich uncle in his right mind
would leave his nephew here?
Oh, yes! I see what you mean, sir.
Well, you'd better, unless you prefer
to spend forever in that dusty painting
and be auctioned off
along with the academy.
That goes for you too, Bettina.
Bettina?
Where is that woman?
(CHILDREN SQUABBLING)
(MUSIC BLARING)
Hey! Hey, you kids!
Now, cut that out! Cut that out!
That stuff's not allowed here!
(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
All right! Get away from that window.
Come on!
Okay, girls, I warned you!
Now, I'm gonna have to tell the Colonel.
Hanging out the window like that.
Somebody's gonna get hurt.
Oh, cool it, Ben.
We were just having a little fun.
I suppose you call
turning this place upside down,
breaking every rule in the...
(STUTTERING)
(HAIR DYER BUZZING)
(MOANING)
Me? Room with a plebe?
But a Cadet Captain
always has a private room, sir.
I know, Fletcher,
but you'll be helping the boy.
You know, make sure
he gets off on the right foot and all that.
Yes, sir. As you say, sir.
Cadet Ross!
I'd like you to meet your roommate.
Cadet Captain Hubert Fletcher.
(BEN WHIMPERING)
-Carry on, Fletcher!
-Yes, sir.
Come on, Ross.
Colonel. Colonel! This place is haunted.
(STUTTERING) Ghosts everywhere!
So help me!
Ben, have you been drinking again?
No, no. I seen them! I swear it,
and they came right outta there!
Look, Ben. Maybe if you lie down
awhile, they'll go away.
BEN: No, they won't. No, they won't.
It's the girls being here.
That's what brought them out. Yes, sir.
Right out of them old paintings in there.
I can feel it in my bones!
All right, Ben. If it makes you feel better,
let's take a look.
(STAMMERING) You first.
(EXCLAIMS SOFTLY)
Eulace! Quick! They're coming!
(BETTINA CLEARS THROAT)
(GENERAL COUGHING)
BEN: You'll see for yourself!
I ain't crazy. I ain't nuts.
Just take a look at...
Well, what?
What? Anything changed?
Okay, Colonel. But you just
mark my words, there's something...
COLONEL BUXLEY:
Ben, for the last time,
I don't want to hear another word
about ghosts in this school.
-But...
-Ben.
Okay.
Okay!
(MOANING)
Vincent!
Vincent! Vincent! Where are you going?
Vincent!
Will you open the door?
Open the door. It is your job, Vincent!
Opening the door for la Contessa!
Imbecile!
(SPEAKING IN ITALIAN)
Ah, stop!
(MUMBLING IN ITALIAN)
If I told you once,
I told you a million times,
that man is a menace!
What we have is a common criminal
as a chauffeur.
Oh, he infuriates me so much
that only a glass of champagne
can cool this fire within me! Yes!
Where is the champagne?
No champagne!
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Cold Duck! What is this Cold Duck?
Oh, knock it off!
If you had a nickel to your name,
we wouldn't be this desperate.
Oh, no! No! No! No! No! I told you.
Maybe you don't remember,
but I told you. Yes.
My crazy papa lost
all the family fortune at Monte Carlo.
-I told you.
-After we were married, you told me!
When it was too late.
You swore.
You swore on your last husband's grave
that he left you a million dollars, huh?
And Sergio believe you!
Well, it looks like we're both
going to have to see to it
that we win control
of my nephew's fortune,
doesn't it, sweetheart?
I agree, I agree. But why. Why? Tell me?
Why do you want to buy the school
when we have no money?
But, why, darling, why?
I'll make him an offer with the provision
that the girls must leave immediately.
But of course! Then when the girls go...
I'll withdraw my offer,
and the school goes.
-How diabolic!
-Thank you.
And if my dear brother
can't keep Jeremy in school,
well, the court will have to
award his guardianship to us.
And then, oh, then we can buy
anything in this world we'd want.
My little cioccolatina.
You are not only beautiful,
but you are a genius too.
(KISSING NOISES)
I'm going out for hamburgers.
Do you want some?
No!
Oh, Vincent, before you go,
see if you can open that bottle?
Open the bottle.
Cara Mia, listen.
Just one thing, my little bonbon.
You see, when Jeremy becomes 21,
he will be of age
to be able to control his own fortune.
And that is only eight years away.
Capisci?
True.
Providing he ever reaches 21.
Ah, providing he ever reaches...
Provide... Providing?
What are you saying, sweetheart?
Only that accidents do happen.
Isn't that right, Vincent?
Yes, ma'am.
(PLAYING OFF-KEY)
Lord above! Have mercy out there!
I don't know why they put you in here
and I don't care!
But these are my quarters, so you do
what I tell you and when I tell you.
Do you understand?
Okay, Hubert.
Yes, sir.
For now, just keep your mouth shut
and stay out of my way.
I'll be gone for a while.
I've got night maneuvers.
Oh, little lad.
Don't you worry none about him.
He's a lot more tolerable
if you'll do what I do.
Ignore him.
Oh, listen.
You have happy dreams, you hear?
That's an order!
(CHUCKLING)
What in the world?
(MOCKING)
"Ben, would you please fix that?"
"Ben, would you please fix this?"
You'd think I was a slave around here.
Can't even change a simple light bulb...
(SCREAMING)
(CHUCKLES)
Yeah, there you go.
(WHISPERING)
Posie. Posie, you awake?
-Huh?
-I gotta talk!
Shh. We can't. Not here.
How about your room?
No. I'm just a jinx. I'll get you in trouble
like I do everybody else.
Oh, pooh! That's ridiculous. C'mon!
You shouldn't think that way.
But, it's true. That's why my mother
and father got killed in the accident.
You know why? 'Cause they were
coming up to see me at summer camp,
because I had the stupid chicken pox.
Jeremy, don't say that!
You couldn't help it!
(SQUEAKING)
-You guys ready?
-Yeah.
This is gonna be great!
(GIRLS EXCLAIMING)
What's going on?
Come on!
(GIRLS SCREAMING)
(CHILDREN SHOUTING)
Sergeant? What in thunder is this?
A mutiny?
No, sir. It looks more like a skirmish.
-Hit him back, honey. He started it!
-Bettina!
Well, he did!
-Attention!
-Okay, girls! That's enough!
Enough.
-What's going on here?
-It was the girls' fault, sir!
Silence in the ranks!
All right!
We'll get to the bottom of this tomorrow.
Now, all of you get back to your quarters.
Move it! Move it! Move it!
I said, move it!
Okay, girls! You've had your fun.
C'mon, up to bed. Let's go.
This is impossible.
In all the years I have been director
of this academy...
Colonel, don't be so stuffy.
It's the first night.
-They'll settle down.
-I'm not stuffy, Miss Wakefield.
But I do believe in discipline.
You and your girls obviously
have a lot to learn about good manners.
Oh, now just a minute.
My girls are just as well mannered as...
(DOOR OPENING)
Posie!
You get out here! Now!
You again!
It was all my fault, Miss Wakefield.
Don't blame Jeremy.
I just came down to talk to him...
Back to your room immediately!
We'll deal with you in the morning.
-Sir, it wasn't her fault that...
-At ease, Ross!
Ross, it's all right, son. I understand.
You go to bed now.
Yes, sir.
Sergeant! Go with the boy.
And this time
make sure he goes to sleep.
Yes, sir!
I want that girl expelled
for violating academy rules!
-Here! Here!
-EMILY: Expelled?
You're not exactly equal
in your discipline, are you?
-Miss Wakefield...
-Now, now, Colonel.
I admit that
Posie used terrible judgment,
but to presume the worst
without all the facts...
Miss Wakefield, a rule is a rule!
Likewise, a fair hearing!
And why are you blaming her for all of it?
What about the boy?
May I remind you,
he was not in her room.
She was in his!
What is the difference?
Miss Wakefield, I'm going to bed.
The only thing I want to hear
from you now is a promise
that your girls will refrain from
besmirching the academy's good name.
Fine! I'll do it!
As soon as you treat your co-director
with the respect she deserves!
(DOOR SLAMS)
(LAUGHING)
Bettina, my love,
the war is as good as won.
They can't stand each other!
Perhaps.
But don't you think Miss Emily
had a point?
A teeny-weeny little point?
About giving the little girl a fair hearing?
(CLICKS TONGUE)
Bettina, my love, you're just a woman.
You can't expect
to understand these things.
Yes, General. I'll be in our quarters
warming up your brandy.
Oh, thank you, my dear.
(CHUCKLES) Good woman.
Ernestine, my little rum baba!
I love money just as much as you do,
if not more.
Why, you can ask anybody at the Ritz
in San Remo and they will tell you.
A Di Gonzini will live and die for money.
But for blood money, never!
And not at the expense of a young child.
Never!
Jamais, jamais.
You don't have a choice.
Unless you want to wind up
back in San Remo.
Selling Italian encyclopedias!
I see.
What about Vincent?
The escaped gorilla from the zoo?
Oh! He'll do anything I ask.
Which is the beauty
of hiring an ex-convict
who knows that I know just
how many times he's violated his parole.
-You folks ready?
-Yes, my dear.
(SPEAKING IN ITALIAN)
Or anything you can recommend.
-(STOMPS)
-Ow!
On second thought,
I will have anything she has.
Maybe you need some more time, huh?
Look! But don't look.
Isn't that the old caretaker
from the school?
Oh, so it is!
Sergio, why don't you invite him
to join us for a drink?
-But, he's a peasant!
-Yes.
But, he could be a storehouse
of valuable information.
(DOG BARKING)
(SNORTING)
Time I got back to my own...
Oh, no. Not again!
(SIGHS)
Where now?
Jeremy!
Jeremy! Where are you, boy?
You're going to get me drawn
and quartered.
Great balls of fire! What is that?
Hit the trenches, boy!
It may be an enemy patrol!
It's all right, lad! I'll handle this.
Well, drat my druthers!
That's one of them
new horseless surreys. Hmph!
Oh, yeah.
There, you see that, lad?
Takes an experienced hand
to know you wasn't in any real trouble.
What in tarnation is that for?
Darn it.
I hope nobody saw me running away.
Running away? No, wait a minute.
You can't do that.
The General will kill me.
No! Wait, halt!
Doggone it,
I'm gonna have to stop him somehow!
Well, here goes.
All right, lad. Now I know you can
see me, so you can hear me, too.
Where you going with that bag?
Well, say something, boy.
Who are you?
Sergeant-Major Chester B. Sweet.
84th Calvary. Battalion B.
Then, it's true! You are a ghost!
Ben isn't crazy!
Ben? That's a matter of opinion.
All right! All right, I am a ghost!
But that's no reason
for you to get me in trouble
by making me turn visible
against orders.
Now, where are you going with that bag?
-To my aunt's.
-Your aunt's? Why?
Because I can't do anything right
and all I do is get people in trouble.
Like Posie.
And because of you, too!
I'm scared of ghosts.
Oh, now look here, boy.
You got no reason to be scared of me.
I'm on orders to help you
and make sure things work out right.
Oh, no. No way!
POSIE: Jeremy? Is that you in there?
Girl! Now don't you dare mention me!
She walked right past you!
She didn't even see you!
Of course not.
She can't hear me, neither.
Who are you talking to?
You were running away
because you got me in trouble, right?
You've got to do what you think is right.
But I hope you stay.
For you and for me.
Listen to her, lad,
she's a smart little trifle.
For a girl!
We can keep each other going,
maybe even have a little fun.
Like giving old Hubert a hard time?
Yeah. Well...
Maybe I'll just sit here
and think about it for awhile, Posie.
Thanks, thanks a lot.
You're okay.
Good lad.
Well, now that that's all settled,
you get back to your room,
forget you ever saw me.
Well, go on! And be happy about it,
before I really get my dander up.
Get!
-ERNESTINE: Ghosts?
-That's right. Ghosts!
And ghostesses. All over the place!
Oh! What kind of ghosts?
It's General Buxley and that Sergeant
buddy of his from the Civil War.
I just know it's them.
Ernestine, my little bisque tortoni,
you really gonna believe all this?
(WHISPERING) No.
But he certainly has given me
a few ideas
on how to get rid of those little girls
by tomorrow night!
(PLAYING OFF-KEY)
Ready, fire!
(STUDENTS TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
-Good morning, sir.
-Good morning, Fletcher.
(BELL RINGING)
You're late, Ross.
-Sorry, sir.
-And uncover.
-What?
-Take your hat off.
(BOYS LAUGHING)
At ease, gentlemen.
As you know,
due to recent reductions in staff,
Mr. Finchley is no longer with us.
So, I'll be taking over
his sex education class.
Needless to say,
most Buxley boys know the score
when it comes to old Mother Nature.
(BOYS LAUGHING)
Okay, girls.
Just find yourselves a seat, come on.
I'm sorry we're late,
we had trouble with the room numbers.
Miss Wakefield.
How can you let them
come to class like this?
Dressed like a band of hippies!
Come on, Colonel.
That's the way kids dress these days.
Ah. Sex education.
Please continue, we're all ears.
Yes.
Well, if you will open your books
to chapter six, you boys
and girls...
Will find illustrations
of the male and female...
(GIGGLING)
Persons.
Now then, reproduction takes
one of each.
I mean, uh...
Mother Nature, in her infinite wisdom,
has devised the simplest of systems.
That is to say,
(CLEARS THROAT)
the male has a function
and the female has a function,
which doesn't become a function
until they...
Function together.
Are there any questions so far?
Oh!
Well, it's all right there in the book.
Why don't you just
read it for yourselves?
(STUDENTS MURMURING)
(LAUGHING)
(HOWLING)
Oh, that's beautiful! Just beautiful!
Why, if I were 20 years younger,
I would go along myself.
Ah, I even got some vampire's blood.
Ugh!
Ah!
I think I'm going to get sick, please.
Sergio, now you come back here!
Oh, now, darling!
I'm only asking you to be a boy again.
For just one night,
so we can drive those obnoxious
little girls right out of the academy!
Now! See how easy this all is? Hmm?
There we are!
Voila! "The Ghosts of Buxley Hall."
SERGIO: Mamma mia!
(KIDS SHOUTING EXCITEDLY)
Chester?
Chester, you around here?
Right here, boy!
Oh! Upper classmen. Salute!
Chester, you've got to stop doing that!
Doin' what?
Well, you know. Everything!
Protecting me, making me feel better.
Somebody's gonna suspect
something's screwy.
Oh, hogwash!
You let me worry about that.
'Sides, somebody's got to help you.
Until you learn for yourself
not to let people push you around.
But that's just it!
I wanna learn by myself sometime.
(CHESTER MUMBLING)
Hey! You talking to yourself again?
Oh, hi. Uh... Yeah. I guess it's a habit.
Ten hut! Hit a brace, mister!
Chin in! Shoulders back!
Stomach flat! Eyes straight!
Why were you sitting on a bench
reserved for upper classmen?
-I didn't know...
-No explanations, mister!
There are only three words used here!
Yes, sir! No, sir! And no excuse, sir!
Hubert, that's the dumbest thing
I've ever heard!
Interfering with military discipline
is against regulations, miss!
So just keep it up and I'll be happy
to report it to Colonel Buxley.
I'll give you something to report,
you finky little twitch!
No, no! No, Posie, I can handle it.
Thank you.
You let this happen again, Ross,
you'll be on report for sure!
Sorry about that, lad!
All them years hanging on the wall,
I forgot about the bench rule.
Look, Chester,
do you really want to help me?
Well, what do you think I've been doin'?
Not your way. My way.
Look, just tell me.
Can you teach me how to box?
Box? You mean?
I've always been afraid to learn.
But, if Hubert so much as
lifts one finger to get Posie expelled,
I've got to do something!
But me, on my own!
Well, is that all?
Well, you just leave that to me.
I wasn't regimental champ for nothing.
Here, come on over here!
I'll start you out on the basics.
You realize, of course,
that by hittin' a superior officer,
you can get yourself
in a mess of trouble, don't you?
Oh, it'll be worth it!
Well, with that kind of spunk
it ain't going to take much.
All right, the first thing.
After you get your dukes up,
you got to say to yourself,
"I believe, I believe."
Now that's real important, especially
if that other fellow is bigger than you.
-I believe.
-All right, all right then.
Then it's just a matter of
keeping yourself moving
while you're peppering him with a steady
one, two, three, carrumph!
That carrumph, there...
That there is a cannonball.
All right, now you try it.
-One...
-Get your feet apart.
All right, get them hands up there.
Look mean, boy, come on!
One, two, three...
-Carrumph?
-Carrumph.
-Carrumph!
-All right, try the carrumph again.
One, two, three, carrumph!
Oh, little harder, Sergeant? Okay.
One, two, three, carrumph!
Okay, Sergeant. Stay tough.
One, two, three, carrumph!
How's that, Sergeant?
Okay? Sergeant, you're a good teacher.
(BLABBERING)
Sergeant!
One, two, three, carrumph!
Be ready.
(PLAYING OFF-KEY)
(SIGHS)
My great-great-grandson
is not going to like this!
I've got to admire your spunk.
You just keep coming, don't you?
I try, Colonel.
-Look, Miss Wakefield...
-Please call me Emily.
All right, Emily, if you'll call me Joe.
Come on, boy,
this is not the way it's supposed to be.
I'm really sick this time, Colonel.
I've got pneumonia and my appendix
hurts and my throat is strep.
Oh, that sounds serious, Williams.
We'd better take a look at that.
Here.
-What's that?
-Hmm?
Oh, hypotetrasulphaline.
It will make you feel better.
-I think I feel better already.
-Are you sure?
Positive. I feel terrific.
COLONEL BUXLEY: That's good.
-Hey, David.
-Yes, sir?
Here, why don't you try one of these?
They're supposed to be awfully good
for people just getting over an illness.
DAVID: Thank you, sir.
Good night.
Very nice, Joe.
Oh, I try.
Williams always goes through this
the night before Suicide Hill.
Suicide Hill?
The severest test of character ever
devised for the young men of Buxley.
And the young women.
Unless, of course, you'd rather not.
Oh, don't worry. We'll be there.
Somehow, I knew you would.
(GENERAL LAUGHING)
Suicide Hill, huh? So, that's your plan?
Well, sir, now we're getting somewhere.
Mamma mia!
C'mon, Count. We got work to do.
I got a better idea. Why don't you
go ahead and I'll watch, you know?
Hey, if you don't come in,
I'm telling the little missus.
Capisce?
-I can't watch?
-You can't watch.
All right. I go with you.
Why should I miss all the fun?
(MUMBLING IN ITALIAN)
(VINCENT GROANS)
VINCENT: Get off my back!
(MOANING EERILY)
(BETTINA SCREAMING)
Eulace!
Eulace! Eulace! Help!
Bettina! She's in trouble!
-Bettina, darling!
-They went that way.
Who?
Two ghosts. They scared me to death.
There they are.
(WICKED LAUGHTER)
Just as I thought. Imposters!
Charge!
Ow!
VINCENT: Hey! Quit sticking me!
SERGIO: If I'm in front of you,
how can I stick you?
Imbecile! Keep it quiet. Follow me.
(SERGIO MUTTERING)
(SERGIO WAILING EERILY)
(VINCENT LAUGHING WICKEDLY)
-Give me back my head!
-I ain't got your head!
(CHESTER MOANING EERILY)
What did you say?
(SHUDDERING) Look.
(CHESTER WAILING)
(GASPS)
Do you see what I see?
Something funny's going on
around here.
Vincent, you suppose it is...
You know who?
I don't know.
(BOTH SCREAMING)
(CHESTER LAUGHING)
(BOTH WAILING)
I don't believe in ghosts,
but I'm getting out of here.
Wait for me!
(LAUGHTER AND WAILING
CONTINUE)
Joe, what do you think's going on?
(CHESTER LAUGHING)
Follow them, Sweet.
And don't let them get away
until you find out who they are,
and why they're trying
to steal our thunder.
Yes, sir.
It's upstairs.
(CHILDREN CLAMORING)
(VINCENT SCREAMS)
Get off my hand!
SERGIO: I knew this
would never work.
Wait, Vincent!
Don't leave me alone. Wait a minute!
What a mess
you and my wife got me into!
VINCENT: I'm not leaving you.
SERGIO: Come on. She will be furious.
If we don't scare the girls
out of Buxley Hall, it is finished.
Because Jeremy will stay put,
and we will lose the chance
of controlling his inheritance.
-Do you understand?
-No.
That's your game.
Posie, take this thing downstairs
and put it in my office.
(KIDS TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
-At ease, gentlemen! At ease.
-(TALKING STOPS)
Now, you know this is off limits up here.
Get back to your quarters immediately.
Oh, Joe, relax.
All boys their age love to scare the girls.
It's normal.
Boys? My boys traipsing around
in sheets and Halloween masks?
Oh, come, come, Miss Wakefield.
We both know whose group specializes
in breaking all the rules around here.
"Miss Wakefield"?
What happened to "Emily"?
Gone.
Along with any thought that
we could ever work things out amicably.
I'll see you at 0800 on Suicide Hill.
I smell divorce between the two schools.
No way.
Believe me.
I've been through a few of them.
But calling off the merger?
That doesn't make any sense.
If I know Miss Wakefield,
there's no way she's gonna let
Colonel Buxley push her around.
I don't know what I'll do
with you here and me somewhere else.
Well, you don't have to worry.
Because if you leave Buxley, I'll leave.
And that's final. I don't care
how much my uncle wants me to stay.
Eulace?
Eulace, wake up.
Eulace, wake up, please!
I've got something to tell you.
(SNORES)
Oh, the old blunderbuss.
Oh, well.
He probably wouldn't listen
to me anyway. He never does.
What's the trouble, ma'am?
Something important?
Well, yes.
I just overheard poor little Jeremy
sounding very unhappy
and telling his friend Posie,
that if she leaves Buxley,
he's going to leave Buxley.
Hmm. Meanin' goodbye Uncle George
and all the folding green
the General's countin' on
to bail out the school.
General!
General, wake up, sir. It's urgent!
Dang! Like tryin' to raise the dead!
Ah, no pun intended, ma'am.
Well, Chester,
we've got to do something.
Yeah, you're right.
Especially about Suicide Hill.
We gotta make sure
them girls don't quit.
The General won't like that.
Well, you let me worry about that.
I'll explain it to him.
Sometimes it is better to retreat a little
than to lose the war.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
COLONEL BUXLEY:
All right, gentlemen.
This is war.
And the enemy is up there.
Now, I expect a new record
to the top this year.
Am I going to get it?
-BOYS: Yes, sir!
-I didn't hear you, gentlemen.
BOYS: (ENTHUSIASTICALLY) Yes, sir!
EMILY: Okay, listen, girls. There's
going to be a new record, all right?
-Ours!
-(GIRLS CHEERING)
Beggin' General's pardon, sir.
Later, Sergeant. The attack
is going to begin in 30 seconds.
Before this day is over,
these girls will be sorry
they ever heard the name of Buxley.
But, sir,
there's somethin' you ought to know.
-If the girls leave...
-Silence!
You know my routine.
All right, Captain. Let's move them out.
Sir.
Company! Atten-hut!
HUBERT: Charge!
Okay, girls. Let's go!
(BUGLE CONTINUES
PLAYING OFF-KEY)
Come on, boy. You can make it.
Your friends are waitin' there for you.
Come on, boy! Upward and on!
Oh, for Pete's sake.
-General?
-Ha ha!
That isn't fair.
All's fair in love and war, my dear.
Sergeant?
Step aside.
(GRUNTS)
Let's go. Let's go.
(SCREECHES)
-All right?
-Yeah, thanks.
Good.
See you at the top of the hill.
You creep!
COLONEL BUXLEY: Move it. Move it.
Move it! Come on. Let's move it!
Ross!
Posie!
COLONEL BUXLEY:
Move it, move it, move it!
Now, you mean the boy actually believes
he's talking to ghosts?
BEN: That's right.
Especially to that Sergeant Sweet.
Who died in 1897?
(SLURRING) I tell you,
I heard the little bugger talkin' to him
while he was swingin' at thin air.
I certainly did.
Per favore. My little spumoni face.
Listen to him. Please.
Oh, shut up, Sergio.
I don't want to hear it.
Besides...
I've got a better idea.
It's absolutely foolproof,
thanks to Ben here. Drink up, Ben.
Come on. Come on.
Enjoy your dinner, huh.
Come on, men!
-Well done, Miss Wakefield.
-(GASPING) Thank you.
-So far.
-So far?
Well, unfortunately
there's one obstacle left.
The rope slide across Dogface Ravine
to the finishing point.
Unless, of course, you ladies,
would rather walk down that way.
EMILY: Not on your life.
All right, men!
Let's show them how it's done.
Geronimo!
(CHILDREN CHEERING)
BOYS: Hooray!
Pocahontas!
(CHILDREN EXCLAIMING)
Oh, dear. What a shame.
But that's the way it goes,
Miss Wakefield.
I mean, sooner or later
the wheat is separated from the chaff.
Here. Give me your hand.
Thank you, Colonel.
(CHILDREN LAUGHING)
(EMILY LAUGHING)
At ease, Miss Wakefield.
(CHEERING)
Oliver, we can't wait. The boy is on
the verge of a complete breakdown.
But you don't understand.
My court calendar is jammed.
But you've been such a good friend.
And you knew Jeremy's father.
Oh, please.
Please, can't you find some time
to see him?
And then you can decide
what's best for the boy.
I don't see how, Ernestine.
I've got court all month.
Oliver,
I'm afraid of what's going to happen.
What he might do to himself.
All right, Ernestine.
I have an alumni dinner tomorrow,
but if you can have the boy
at your house at 5:00 sharp,
I'll make it a point to drop by.
Fair enough?
Oh, yes, Oliver.
Thank you. Oh, thank you.
The Countess and I thank you
very much, sir. You are most generous.
We appreciate you very much, sir.
Thank you.
(KIDS CHEERING)
Posie? Posie, you there?
I had a hunch this is where you've been
meeting your little Posie.
What's that to you?
Hey, button up, mister.
You don't have permission to talk.
And pop to. That's an order!
Poor Jeremy. Gonna miss
your little troublemaker, aren't you?
Now that the girls are gonna leave.
It's a lie.
And I'm sick and tired of you calling
Posie names, you hear me, Hubert?
Loud and clear.
Question is,
what are you gonna do about it?
I'll punch you out, that's what.
(LAUGHING) Is that so?
Well. I'm, ah, ready if you are.
(SOFTLY) Chester, are you there?
Chester?
Clear a space, men.
I believe. I believe.
I believe!
All right, Ross. Time to punch me out.
Come on. Let's go. Come on.
One.
-Come on.
-Two.
Three, carrumph!
Lucky punch.
Oh!
Come on. Let's go.
One. Two.
Three, carrumph!
Anything more
you want to say about Posie?
What was that all about?
Nothing. Let's get out of here.
-Did you see that? I carrumphed Hubert.
-Yeah. I saw the whole thing, lad.
What are you talking about?
Oh, uh... Nothing.
Well, did you see me?
I knocked down Hubert for both of us.
Well, what's the matter?
Don't feel so sad.
That jerk's never gonna bother us again.
A lot of good it's gonna do us.
-Oh, Jeremy, we're leaving Buxley.
-What?
Miss Wakefield's had it
with the Colonel and vice versa.
-Well, what are we gonna do?
-Shhh. Not now.
Yes, now. We have to talk about this.
All of us.
Uh, Jeremy. Who're you talking to?
Sergeant-Major Chester Sweet.
Okay, don't believe me.
-Chester, you've got to let her see you.
-No. I can't.
Okay. But I swear,
if she leaves Buxley, I leave.
Look, don't say that. Ever!
Anyway, being a female,
all she's gonna do is scream.
I know women.
-Okay then I'm leaving.
-No. Wait.
All right.
But you're gonna hear a scream.
-There.
-(SCREAMS)
There. See what I said?
Hey, you're not kiddin'.
You've got a ghost for a friend.
I am not a ghost. I'm a friendly spirit.
And don't you forget it.
Hey, don't get so uptight, Chester.
I'd like to be your friend, too.
If I was gonna be around long enough.
Well, Chester, can't you do
anything about that?
Well, I'm sorry, lad. It's finished.
I'm finished. It's back to being
a dusty old painting forever.
Oh, Chester. Don't say that.
CHESTER: Well, I got to. It's the truth.
You and the girls leave,
then Jeremy leaves.
If Jeremy leaves,
there goes his Uncle George's promise
to take care of
Buxley's financial problems.
Okay, then I'll do it.
What're you gonna do?
Buy the school myself.
Make everybody happy.
But, Jeremy,
even if your Uncle George does let you
buy the academy, what then?
Well, simple. I'll make Colonel Buxley
apologize to Miss Wakefield
and insist she stay. Right, Chester?
Sounds good to me.
Chester?
Shh.
Well, Chester, you were talking to them.
You let them see you.
Well, I had to. But let me explain.
(SIGHS)
Darn it. He isn't home.
Hello, my darling.
-Aunt Ernestine.
-Mmm-hmm.
Look, the boy had his bag
and everything.
I didn't have any choice.
I had to let him see me.
Oh, my.
What is the General going to say?
What can he say?
It's either the girls or oblivion.
Freeze it, ice it. Um...
-You mean cool it.
-Yeah.
-Hey, Chester.
-Where's Jeremy?
With his Aunt Ernestine.
When he told her that
he couldn't get a hold of his uncle,
she said that she'd see to it that he did.
His aunt? That old... She's here?
Well, she was.
He went to her house for dinner.
Oh, great balls of thunder and tarnation.
We gotta stop her.
That old bag gets her hands on Jeremy,
it's lights out for everybody.
Now, c'mon.
Chester, how are we going to get there?
Shhh. When all else fails,
there's always old picklepuss. Come on.
(STARTS ENGINE)
So, that's all there is to it.
Heck, it ain't nothing compared to
breaking in a good trail pony.
Wonder what this doohickey does.
What about this thingamabob?
(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
What the...
(TURNS OFF RADIO)
(HONKS)
Oh, no. No, don't let it be.
Please. Don't let it be.
(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
They're here!
(HONKING)
They're here! Oh, oh!
(HORN HONKING)
BETTINA: Now, see what you did!
Who's going to drive?
CHESTER: Don't worry, ma'am.
Easy as pie.
Just shove down this little handle here,
and away we go.
(CHESTER CHUCKLES)
BETTINA: Watch it. Watch it!
CHESTER: Don't worry, ma'am.
I got this little thing under control.
-Chester. Watch out!
-Whoa! Whoa!
We're so happy
to have you with us in our home.
Won't we have a nice visit, though.
Now, perhaps I can help you, dear,
if you'll just tell me again.
-Why do you want to buy Buxley Hall?
-No.
Oh, you can talk to me.
Even if it has something to do
with your Sergeant friend?
How do you know about him?
Oh, well, an aunt
has a way of hearing things.
Oh, don't look so worried.
Why, when I was your age,
I had a fairy godmother.
Oh, I loved her
and talked to her all the time.
She never did answer me.
That's probably because
she wasn't a real ghost like Chester.
ERNESTINE: Chester?
Well, really it's
Sergeant-Major Chester Sweet.
And he's the best friend I ever had.
We talk all the time.
How nice.
Oh, I'd love to meet him.
Oh, no! You can't.
I'm the only one that can see him.
But, he is there. Unless the girls leave.
Then the bank
will have to sell the school off
and he'll just be
a dusty old painting again.
(SIGHS SOFTLY)
BETTINA: Chester! Will you slow down?
CHESTER: I'm trying to! Whoa!
-(VEHICLES HONKING)
-CHESTER: Whoa!
You're absolutely right, Ernestine.
The boy obviously needs
a great deal of help.
Oh, yes! But not the kind of help
George is giving him.
I mean, shipping the poor child
from school to school
without any regard for his mental state.
Yes. Well, a change of custody
would certainly seem in order.
Then, you will support me in court?
Better than that.
I'll speak to George tomorrow morning
and urge him to agree
to a voluntary changeover.
Oh, bravo! Bravo!
Ciao, Judge Haynes. Ciao.
Tesoro mio, you see how simple it is?
BETTINA: Oh, there it is, 1095.
CHESTER: Hang on, ma'am!
CHESTER: Whoa boy, whoa!
Hold it. Whoa!
(RADIATOR HISSING)
(FOOTSTEPS DESCENDING)
(FOOTSTEPS CRUNCHING)
All right! Who's there?
Vincent, you don't suppose
it's, you know...
-(PUNCHING SOUND)
-Ah!
(PUNCHING SOUND)
Mr. Ghost, please don't hurt me.
You see, I like you. I am very friend...
(STUTTERING) I am Count... Gonzini...
(STAMMERING)
This is the crest of my family!
Sergio? Vincent?
Will one of you please get Jeremy
a glass of milk!
Oh, that's okay, Aunt Ernestine,
I'll get it myself.
Oh, all right, dear! Well,
I'll just leave this here for you, all right?
(FLOORBOARD CREAKS)
Sergio! Is that you?
Oh, no!
If you think that I am going to fall
for one of these cheap tricks,
well, you've got another think coming.
BETTINA: It's no trick, Ernestine.
(LAUGHS) All right, prove it.
(ERNESTINE GASPS)
All right. How's this?
Oh!
CHESTER: Or this?
-Boo!
-Oh!
JEREMY: Chester!
-And...
-Hello, Jeremy. I'm Bettina Buxley.
Hi. What happened to Aunt Ernestine?
She tried to do you
out of your inheritance, that's what!
Come on. We'll explain it on the way.
Okay. Thanks, Uncle George.
See you then.
Well?
He won't let me buy it.
But he's coming up
first thing in the morning
to see about setting up
a special trust fund for the school.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
All right, troops, mount up!
SERGIO: Ernestine! My tutti-frutti!
Did they hurt you?
They was here, the ghosts.
They was.
Oh!
Oh, but this time
they have met their match!
Where are you going?
What are you going to do?
I am going to buy Buxley Academy
from Quimby, first thing in the morning!
Ernestine, my little rum baba,
Judge Haynes already promised you
the boy's legal custody.
Why would you want to buy the school?
Because I am not going to rest
until that place is leveled to the ground.
And those insolent, meddlesome ghosts
right along with it.
And I don't care how much of
Jeremy's fortune this is going to cost.
Well, it's a shame
things couldn't work out.
You know you have my total admiration.
You're...
...quite a woman, Emily.
Thank you, Joe.
Chester, watch this.
Please, ma'am, we have got to find
the General before he bollixes things up.
Shh! I think they're going to make up.
You know, Emily, I was thinking.
Maybe we could make a compromise.
That is, if you could
put up with a man like me.
Compromise?
You see, I'm expecting
certain funds shortly and...
Well, perhaps we could build
a separate facility for you and your girls.
-Separate?
-But equal.
Separate but equal?
Sure!
No, not on your life.
Then, I guess that settles it,
Miss Wakefield.
Indeed it does, Colonel Buxley.
-Any questions?
-(CLICKS TONGUE)
Okay, girls. Put everything on the truck.
Please check to make sure that
you haven't left anything behind. Okay?
Push everything
way to the back of the truck.
Your Uncle George better hurry!
He said he'd be here.
EMILY: Come on girls, on the bus.
Hurry!
I got to go.
Bye.
Make sure that you have everything.
Get on the bus.
Feel no shame, ladies.
You were a noble adversary.
Noble indeed.
Eulace! We've been
looking all over for you!
You're just in time to observe the enemy
flee the battlefield.
That's just the problem, sir.
We can't let the girls leave.
The academy's survival depends on it.
Impossible. I can't believe it.
Oh, no, no, no. It's the only way.
The girls have to stay.
Sherman was right. War is hell.
Stop! Stop that car.
-Halt! Stop!
-Please stop.
I'm sorry, ma'am! You can't enter...
Please get out of my way.
I just bought this place.
Please! You can't do this!
Oh, yes, I can!
Aunt Ernestine!
What are you doing here?
Darling! I've come to take you home.
Not with you. I'm not going with you.
All you want is my money.
-Oh!
-What seems to be the trouble here?
Sir, this woman insists
that she just bought the academy!
Which I plan to tear down
to the ground immediately!
That's impossible!
You have no legal right to do anything!
Quimby?
Well, I did just close the deal, I think.
(SQUEALS)
I mean, absolutely.
Quimby, I'll get an injunction to stop you.
Now, you had all better leave.
And I do mean now.
Forget it!
Gentlemen, if you will please follow me!
Attack!
Captain, mobilize the cadets
immediately.
Yes, sir!
-And that means you, Ross.
-Yes, sir!
Quimby...
Hawkins, sound assembly
on the double!
Move! Move!
Come on! Let's go! Let's go!
Colonel, what is going on?
No time to talk. The academy,
they're trying to tear it down.
Tear down my academy?
COLONEL BUXLEY: Captain,
open the tool shed
and issue weapons, immediately!
Don't just stand there.
Prepare the artillery!
Yes, sir!
-HUBERT: Move it! Move it!
-Eulace, I'm coming, too!
Well, I guess if West Point
and Annapolis can handle it,
-so can I.
-(BETTINA EXCLAIMS)
Come on, girls, off the bus!
(PLAYING OFF-KEY)
-Now knock that down!
-Down!
All right, you men! Out of that truck!
Now let's go! Come on! Let's go.
Move it! Move it! On the double!
We have no ammo, sir.
Well, what'll we do?
Wait! How about this cement?
Move it! Move it! Move it!
Move it! Move it!
All right! Hold your ranks, men!
Well?
(MEN MUTTERING)
GENERAL: Load her up.
What is the matter with you men?
Yes! Do you realize I am paying you
good money for this?
Oh, sissies!
Are you going to let a bunch of
spoiled little brats make fools of you?
-No, ma'am!
-All right then, get in there!
-Yeah!
-That's more like it.
(GIRLS CHEERING)
Ah! Ah!
(BUGLING CHARGE PERFECTLY)
Fire!
Direct hit! Good shooting, my dear!
Good shooting!
BOYS: Charge!
Hurry! Get Jeremy!
Let me go!
-Somebody do something!
-ERNESTINE: Vincent, hurry up!
Chester!
Joe!
(CHILDREN CHEERING)
Oh! Oh!
See you back at the house!
-Grab his feet, somebody.
-I got him. I got him.
Come on!
Halt!
(SCREAMING)
Get off my property!
(CHESTER LAUGHING)
We won't let you wreck
our school!
(CHESTER LAUGHING)
(SCREAMING)
-Excellent.
-Yeah.
Uncle George!
Ah, Jeremy!
Oh, you look great!
Oh, oh, oh.
They're after me again! They are!
A whole army of ghosts.
Popping in and out all over the place!
Shooting cannons at me,
a pie in my face.
They are, they are.
I can't stand it anymore!
(SPEAKING IN ITALIAN)
About these change
of custody papers, George,
obviously your sister is in no condition
to assume the guardianship of Jeremy,
now or ever.
-We did it!
-Yes, we did it!
All right!
You and your girls were brilliant!
Thank you!
It's a moment we'll always remember,
wherever we are.
Well...
-I guess we better go.
-Do you have to?
I mean,
do you really want to?
Let's face it, Joe.
This is your academy
and it always will be.
I'll be right back, Uncle George.
I have to find someone.
-Colonel Buxley!
-Mr. Ross!
I just discussed it with Mr. Hart,
and pending your approval,
I've agreed to set up an endowment fund
in memory of Jeremy's parents,
that should relieve
all financial burdens of the academy.
-Mr. Ross...
-But...
-There is one condition.
-Sir?
That the academy remain
co-educational,
and be co-administered
on an equal basis by Miss Wakefield.
What do you say, Colonel?
Any objections?
No, no! I... I think it's wonderful!
But, it's...
Not up to me alone.
Sounds like a lovely idea.
Mr. Ross, you've got a deal!
Good! Good!
Oh, Eulace, isn't that wonderful!
Humph! My own great-great-grandson!
Gooey as a marshmallow.
Chester?
-Chester, where are you?
-Chester, you around here anywhere?
-Chester?
-Chester?
-Chester, where are you?
-Chester?
Right here.
Chester, you were great. All of you!
And that cannon! Wow!
Yeah. Well, whatever.
It's over now.
Listen.
You two take care of yourselves.
You mean I won't see you again? Ever?
Afraid not, lad.
Back to the trophy room wall
for the lot of us.
But what are we going to do
without you?
Oh, you'll be all right. The both of you.
You two, skedaddle.
Go on! Scoot!
You know I ain't the type
for this goodbye stuff.
Thank you.
Go on.
(GENERAL SIGHS)
Oh, there you are, Sergeant.
Time to settle in again,
now that the academy is safe.
Begging the General's pardon, sir,
but I was just thinking about
that very thing.
I mean, the academy's safe today,
but what about tomorrow?
Good point. Things could go wrong.
What did you have in mind, Sweet?
Well, sir,
that we keep reconnoitering the area.
Make sure that all goes well.
Hmm. Yes.
Very well, Sergeant. Post a guard.
Yes, sir!
Women. I just can't get used to it.
Ah, but I still have my memories
of the old days,
when men were men
and women knew their place.
Bettina, my dove,
open a bottle of sherry.
Open it yourself, Eulace!
HUBERT: Order. Arms.
Ready?
Fire!
Company A all present
and accounted for, sir!
Very good, Captain.
Proceed to classes as scheduled.
Uh, I thought there were
two hundred men to a company.
There were. Until Buxley's enrollment
went into a nose dive.
(CHUCKLES)
Not much call for military spit and polish
these days, is there, Mr. Hart?
HUBERT: At ease!
(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
Good morning. Here we are.
(UNENTHUSIASTICALLY) Whoopee.
Gentlemen, if you'll join me in my office,
I can explain how this merger
will solve all our financial problems.
(BUS APPROACHING)
(GIRLS GIGGLING)
Hello, Colonel Buxley.
Miss Wakefield! Good morning.
You were expecting us, weren't you?
I mean, we do have an arrangement.
Well, yes. But there are still
some small details to be worked out.
Well, then, this takes care
of the first one.
Determining exact time of arrival.
Yes.
Well, perhaps it's just as well.
These gentlemen are here
from the bank to determine
if our arrangement will satisfy the
academy's current mortgage problems.
-Mr. Hart, the president.
-Hello.
Mr. Quimby, the loan officer.
-How do you do?
-Nice to meet you.
This is Miss Emily Wakefield,
the principal of
the Wakefield School for Girls.
Correction, Colonel.
I believe the new title is co-director of
the Buxley Academy for Boys and Girls.
Right.
(GIRLS CLAMORING)
(BOYS MURMURING)
Eyes front!
(WHISTLING)
Hey! How about some help over here!
Hey! Come on, you guys. Come on!
(KIDS CLAMORING)
Attention!
Fall in! On the double!
Move it! Move it! Move it!
Sir! It was her fault.
Oh, bug off!
-Fall in, Captain.
-Yes, sir!
(SCOFFS) Girls.
Mr. Hart, I still don't see how the merger
of the two schools can possibly succeed.
Buxley is almost a year behind
in its mortgage payments
and Wakefield
was forced to close its doors
because of its unsound
financial condition.
Oh, now, just a minute!
It wasn't the school's fault.
Our benefactor died and the estate sold
the property to build a shopping mall.
-Can you imagine?
-HART: Hmm.
Anyway, now that Buxley
is stepping out of the dark ages
by going co-educational...
Dark ages?
I'm sure that our enrollment
has to increase.
Even so, how do you propose
to meet the mortgage payments?
Gentlemen, ever since
General Eulace C. Buxley
founded this academy in 1876,
it has managed to survive
every possible threat to its existence.
Financial or otherwise.
I'm sorry, sir.
I still say no loan extension.
I say foreclose!
I disagree, Quimby.
I'm going to recommend that
the loan committee extend the loan
for six months.
Thank you, Mr. Hart. You won't regret it.
-Good luck, Colonel. Miss Wakefield.
-Thank you.
Quimby.
Well, that's that!
Imagine thinking that two mature
educators couldn't work together
to build a successful future.
(LAUGHS) How naive!
Yes.
I... I don't understand, Mr. Hart.
You had every reason to foreclose.
You want to be a vice president,
don't you, Quimby?
Oh, yes, sir! More than anything!
Then use your head.
The academy has been on the market
one year without a single offer.
We foreclose now and
we'll never get our investment out of it.
Oh, good thinking, Mr. Hart.
In the meantime, you better pray
that the merger works
until we can dump this turkey!
Yes, sir.
What are you staring at,
you old blunderbuss?
If you knew
that your great-great-grandson
was taking females into this academy,
you'd be spinning in your grave!
That goes for you too, you big ape!
It would wipe that smug expression
right off your hairy face.
(GIRLS LAUGHING)
Females? Females in my academy?
Eulace, remember your liver!
Drat my liver, woman!
We are being invaded!
Sergeant-Major Sweet. Front and center!
Yes, sir!
Reconnaissance reports females
storming the halls of Buxley!
No. That's impossible, sir.
(GIRLS TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
Okay, okay, girls!
Go on in there so I can give you
your room assignments. Come on.
-It's true!
-How nice. May I see them?
Bettina, stand fast!
Sergeant!
What did I vow on my death bed?
To defend these hallowed halls from
any harm for all eternity, if need be, sir!
And, by George, so I shall!
Even if it means war!
But, first things first.
Sergeant, prepare to reconnoiter.
Eulace? Since they are young ladies,
perhaps I can be of help?
Bettina, my dear,
a woman's place is behind the lines.
Where it's safe!
Ah, so it's you, is it?
Call me a hairy ape when I'm asleep,
will you?
I'm gonna teach you a lesson!
All right! Stand fast, you old geezer.
Sergeant, he can't see you,
he can't see any of us.
-He can't?
-You're a ghost.
You cannot be seen or heard
unless you will it.
Oh.
Now, for the moment, we will be unseen.
Sergeant! To the ramparts!
By George! Indoor plumbing!
Permission to water down, sir.
Seeing as how it's been over 80 years.
Very well. But don't take all day.
That's good, sir. You ought to try it.
Now, listen, you take the right flank
and I'll take the left flank.
And no shenanigans, hear?
Big ape, is it?
(SPLUTTERING)
(GASPING)
(CHUCKLING)
Just the way I left it.
Good work, Colonel.
Tradition! That's the only way to go.
Colonel, about these arrangements.
I thought as co-directors, we were
supposed to share this office equally.
We are, Miss Wakefield.
You have a desk. I have a desk.
(SIGH) And these rules of conduct.
Yes. I'd like you to sign them
so I can post them immediately.
As a joint order.
Joint order?
But you wrote them up alone.
"No fraternization." "No mixed classes."
"Separate meals"?
C'mon, Colonel, this is the 20th century!
I mean, women have been treated
as equals at West Point
and Annapolis for two decades now!
What's that?
Women at Annapolis? West Point?
Good grief!
That has nothing to do
with our arrangement.
Well, maybe I misunderstood,
but I don't remember you ever saying
anything about separate but equal.
It was supposed to be
share and share alike.
Miss Wakefield, in no way
am I going to undermine
over 100 years of tradition
here at Buxley
to please a bunch of silly, giggling girls
who don't know the first thing about...
My girls are not a bunch of silly gigglers!
(GIRLS GIGGLING)
I rest my case.
We'll see about that.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Good lad! That's a chip off the old block!
-Excuse me, sir.
-Yes.
The new applicant's
just arrived with his family.
-The Ross boy?
-Yes, sir.
Yes. Ross Industries.
Send them in, Lieutenant. Send them in.
Yes, sir.
Are there really women at West Point?
(GIRLS LAUGHING)
Sergio!
-Excuse me!
-Behave yourself!
The Colonel will see you now.
-Oh, thank you.
-Step this way, please.
No, no, no! Dear, you wait right here.
That's it.
They're not your parents, are they?
Oh, no. That's my Uncle George
and Aunt Ernestine.
Who's the weirdo with the mustache?
He's a real Count from Italy.
How did you know
they weren't my parents?
After two stepfathers? I'm an expert!
How come they're enrolling you here?
Oh, they probably hope I won't run away,
like I did from all the other schools.
How many others?
-Three.
-Wow! That bad, huh?
(CHUCKLES) Yeah!
Here. Never did like chewing alone.
Thanks.
Oh, yeah. I'm Posie. Posie Taylor.
Jeremy Ross.
Your parents alive?
Hey, you don't have to say another word
if you don't want to, Jeremy.
No. I like talking to you, Posie.
You know those three other schools?
I never had anybody to talk to.
Especially on weekends,
when all their parents would come up.
HUBERT: All right! Gum out!
I said, gum out!
Hey, if you're sore about this morning,
I'm sorry.
Really!
Under regulations, students cannot
chew gum in non-dormitory hours.
Well, my friend here isn't a student yet.
And I never read regulations.
They give me warts.
If you're going to enroll here,
I'd suggest you stay away from her!
And let me assure you, Mr. Ross,
the merger was strictly
a matter of economic necessity.
That's perfectly understandable.
Nevertheless, you did
misrepresent your academy.
On the contrary, ma'am.
Only the facilities will be shared.
Meaning Buxley will continue
to maintain its age-old tradition
as one of the nation's finest
military schools for boys.
I think it's terrific, Colonel, and I'm sure
Jeremy will enjoy the challenge.
-I agree, sir.
-I disagree.
I agree with her disagree.
(STAMMERING)
No, what I meant to say was that
the boy will be much happier with us.
With you!
So that's why you two
came home so fast.
Colonel, I wonder if we might have
a moment of privacy
for a family conference.
Of course. Umm...
I'll just step out
and introduce myself to the boy.
Take all the time you need.
SERGIO: Colonel.
Ernestine, no way am I going to allow
you and this perfumed gigolo of yours
to take over the custody of Jeremy.
Signore!
I am the Count Sergio
Luchesi Di Gonzini of San Remo,
and also her adoring husband.
Her sixth!
-Seventh!
-Eighth.
Which doesn't give you
much say in our family affairs.
So, why don't you butt out!
Okay.
My little espresso, shall we tell him
what the lawyer said, huh?
-What lawyer?
-Ha!
The lawyer who told me that
even though our dear departed brother
named you
the boy's legal guardian in his will,
no court in the land is going to allow
an inexperienced bachelor
to continue to toy
with the future of that dear, sweet child.
Now, look here, Ernestine...
No! You look here, George!
You're a man. A very busy man.
There is no way that you can give
Jeremy the love of a devoted aunt
who will dedicate herself entirely
to his welfare.
To the welfare
of his 10 million dollar inheritance...
Oh, George.
All right! All right!
Before we get into some kind
of a court battle,
why don't we ask Jeremy
whether he wants to stay or not?
Jeremy? He's a child...
(ARGUING LOUDLY)
ERNESTINE:
He can't possibly make that decision.
Don't be ridiculous, George!
Sir!
What is it?
I'm sorry to report the entire second floor
has been taken over
by those little sweethearts.
Oh, no!
This is worse than I thought.
Personally, Jeremy, I'm sold on Buxley...
But remember, darling,
it is completely up to you. Yes!
I mean, if you don't like marching around
some cold, windy field
after getting up at six in the morning
and a breakfast of watery eggs,
well, you just say so
and you can come home with me!
I will make baloney for you.
You will like, eh!
Oh, he's going to stay.
Aren't you, Jeremy?
Yeah.
-A wise choice, young man.
-Good boy!
What a nice little girl!
Well! Then, we can sign the agreement
and go over the curriculum.
Well, gentlemen, if you will excuse me,
today is my day for charity work
at the hospital.
Darling, if you change your mind,
just let me know.
Cara Mia! You hate charity work.
-Sergio?
-Cara?
Shut up!
Mozzarella!
Cadet Captain Teddy Roosevelt.
I wonder whatever happened to him.
GEORGE: That should about do it.
Here's a check
covering the first semester.
And if Jeremy is happy here,
I'll guarantee Buxley a sizable donation.
So long as he stays
to complete his education.
Well, that's... That's very generous
of you, Mr. Ross. Very.
Thank you for all your help, Colonel.
-It's my pleasure.
-I'll keep in touch.
-Good day, Mr. Ross.
-Good day.
You hear that, Rodney?
We have a benefactor!
We look after the Ross boy
and our troubles are behind us!
The academy is saved!
Does that mean it's not too late
to call off the merger?
The merger?
Oh, no! Of course it's too late!
No, wait!
No... Wait.
It's so simple, Rodney.
If we just stick to our traditional
military school schedule,
by the time the week is out
those females will be so exhausted,
they'll be begging us
to call off the merger.
Hallelujah.
They want equality,
well, we're gonna give it to them!
Fall back to the command post,
Sergeant!
I think the knucklehead has it.
I had no idea your nephew was so...
Rich.
Yeah.
-Oh, but so unhappy.
-Oh, dear.
And now that the poor boy
has his heart set on staying at Buxley,
well, I just don't know how to tell him
that the place might go bankrupt
at any moment.
Bankrupt? Oh, ho!
No, no. I'm sure that won't happen,
Mrs. Di Gonzini.
Contessa Ernestine Di Gonzini,
of San Remo.
Contessa.
-Countess.
-Countess, of course.
You see, now that Buxley
and Wakefield have merged,
well, I'm sure
that everything will work out very nicely.
But, what if the girls withdraw?
Buxley would sink like a rock.
-Mmm.
-ERNESTINE: Mmm.
Of course, I'd buy the place myself if I
thought that would make Jeremy happy.
You would?
Oh, yes.
But, then Mr...
Quimby.
Quimby.
Money can't buy happiness, can it?
Well, I...
-Yes.
-No.
No, no.
All this talk of money is very depressing.
Well, you will let me know
if there is anything I can do?
Instantly. I promise you.
Here, take my card.
-Oh, thank you. Mr...
-Quimby.
-Quimby. Yes.
-I do hope you will keep in touch.
-Won't you?
-Yes.
Yes. We might just do that.
Count, come along.
I still can't get over it.
Women at Annapolis!
And West Point!
It must have been quite a shock, Eulace.
Oh, indeed! Indeed! Indeed!
And all the more reason Buxley academy
must stand as a beacon
to those who know that
the strength of this country lies solely
in the integrity and character
of its young men.
Now, in order to ensure victory,
we must attack on two fronts.
One, since financial salvation rests
upon the happiness of the new cadet...
Sergeant!
You will see
that the boy is thrilled to tears.
Oh, sir, I never liked kids.
I mean, my own sister always whined...
As you say, sir!
And on the second front,
we must give strategic support
to Colonel Buxley's offensive
against Miss Wakefield.
That should be a cakewalk, sir.
What, with me popping in and out.
Scaring the bejeebers out of them.
-Maybe I could even...
-At ease.
Now, use your brain, man.
If word gets out that Buxley is haunted,
what rich uncle in his right mind
would leave his nephew here?
Oh, yes! I see what you mean, sir.
Well, you'd better, unless you prefer
to spend forever in that dusty painting
and be auctioned off
along with the academy.
That goes for you too, Bettina.
Bettina?
Where is that woman?
(CHILDREN SQUABBLING)
(MUSIC BLARING)
Hey! Hey, you kids!
Now, cut that out! Cut that out!
That stuff's not allowed here!
(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
All right! Get away from that window.
Come on!
Okay, girls, I warned you!
Now, I'm gonna have to tell the Colonel.
Hanging out the window like that.
Somebody's gonna get hurt.
Oh, cool it, Ben.
We were just having a little fun.
I suppose you call
turning this place upside down,
breaking every rule in the...
(STUTTERING)
(HAIR DYER BUZZING)
(MOANING)
Me? Room with a plebe?
But a Cadet Captain
always has a private room, sir.
I know, Fletcher,
but you'll be helping the boy.
You know, make sure
he gets off on the right foot and all that.
Yes, sir. As you say, sir.
Cadet Ross!
I'd like you to meet your roommate.
Cadet Captain Hubert Fletcher.
(BEN WHIMPERING)
-Carry on, Fletcher!
-Yes, sir.
Come on, Ross.
Colonel. Colonel! This place is haunted.
(STUTTERING) Ghosts everywhere!
So help me!
Ben, have you been drinking again?
No, no. I seen them! I swear it,
and they came right outta there!
Look, Ben. Maybe if you lie down
awhile, they'll go away.
BEN: No, they won't. No, they won't.
It's the girls being here.
That's what brought them out. Yes, sir.
Right out of them old paintings in there.
I can feel it in my bones!
All right, Ben. If it makes you feel better,
let's take a look.
(STAMMERING) You first.
(EXCLAIMS SOFTLY)
Eulace! Quick! They're coming!
(BETTINA CLEARS THROAT)
(GENERAL COUGHING)
BEN: You'll see for yourself!
I ain't crazy. I ain't nuts.
Just take a look at...
Well, what?
What? Anything changed?
Okay, Colonel. But you just
mark my words, there's something...
COLONEL BUXLEY:
Ben, for the last time,
I don't want to hear another word
about ghosts in this school.
-But...
-Ben.
Okay.
Okay!
(MOANING)
Vincent!
Vincent! Vincent! Where are you going?
Vincent!
Will you open the door?
Open the door. It is your job, Vincent!
Opening the door for la Contessa!
Imbecile!
(SPEAKING IN ITALIAN)
Ah, stop!
(MUMBLING IN ITALIAN)
If I told you once,
I told you a million times,
that man is a menace!
What we have is a common criminal
as a chauffeur.
Oh, he infuriates me so much
that only a glass of champagne
can cool this fire within me! Yes!
Where is the champagne?
No champagne!
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Cold Duck! What is this Cold Duck?
Oh, knock it off!
If you had a nickel to your name,
we wouldn't be this desperate.
Oh, no! No! No! No! No! I told you.
Maybe you don't remember,
but I told you. Yes.
My crazy papa lost
all the family fortune at Monte Carlo.
-I told you.
-After we were married, you told me!
When it was too late.
You swore.
You swore on your last husband's grave
that he left you a million dollars, huh?
And Sergio believe you!
Well, it looks like we're both
going to have to see to it
that we win control
of my nephew's fortune,
doesn't it, sweetheart?
I agree, I agree. But why. Why? Tell me?
Why do you want to buy the school
when we have no money?
But, why, darling, why?
I'll make him an offer with the provision
that the girls must leave immediately.
But of course! Then when the girls go...
I'll withdraw my offer,
and the school goes.
-How diabolic!
-Thank you.
And if my dear brother
can't keep Jeremy in school,
well, the court will have to
award his guardianship to us.
And then, oh, then we can buy
anything in this world we'd want.
My little cioccolatina.
You are not only beautiful,
but you are a genius too.
(KISSING NOISES)
I'm going out for hamburgers.
Do you want some?
No!
Oh, Vincent, before you go,
see if you can open that bottle?
Open the bottle.
Cara Mia, listen.
Just one thing, my little bonbon.
You see, when Jeremy becomes 21,
he will be of age
to be able to control his own fortune.
And that is only eight years away.
Capisci?
True.
Providing he ever reaches 21.
Ah, providing he ever reaches...
Provide... Providing?
What are you saying, sweetheart?
Only that accidents do happen.
Isn't that right, Vincent?
Yes, ma'am.
(PLAYING OFF-KEY)
Lord above! Have mercy out there!
I don't know why they put you in here
and I don't care!
But these are my quarters, so you do
what I tell you and when I tell you.
Do you understand?
Okay, Hubert.
Yes, sir.
For now, just keep your mouth shut
and stay out of my way.
I'll be gone for a while.
I've got night maneuvers.
Oh, little lad.
Don't you worry none about him.
He's a lot more tolerable
if you'll do what I do.
Ignore him.
Oh, listen.
You have happy dreams, you hear?
That's an order!
(CHUCKLING)
What in the world?
(MOCKING)
"Ben, would you please fix that?"
"Ben, would you please fix this?"
You'd think I was a slave around here.
Can't even change a simple light bulb...
(SCREAMING)
(CHUCKLES)
Yeah, there you go.
(WHISPERING)
Posie. Posie, you awake?
-Huh?
-I gotta talk!
Shh. We can't. Not here.
How about your room?
No. I'm just a jinx. I'll get you in trouble
like I do everybody else.
Oh, pooh! That's ridiculous. C'mon!
You shouldn't think that way.
But, it's true. That's why my mother
and father got killed in the accident.
You know why? 'Cause they were
coming up to see me at summer camp,
because I had the stupid chicken pox.
Jeremy, don't say that!
You couldn't help it!
(SQUEAKING)
-You guys ready?
-Yeah.
This is gonna be great!
(GIRLS EXCLAIMING)
What's going on?
Come on!
(GIRLS SCREAMING)
(CHILDREN SHOUTING)
Sergeant? What in thunder is this?
A mutiny?
No, sir. It looks more like a skirmish.
-Hit him back, honey. He started it!
-Bettina!
Well, he did!
-Attention!
-Okay, girls! That's enough!
Enough.
-What's going on here?
-It was the girls' fault, sir!
Silence in the ranks!
All right!
We'll get to the bottom of this tomorrow.
Now, all of you get back to your quarters.
Move it! Move it! Move it!
I said, move it!
Okay, girls! You've had your fun.
C'mon, up to bed. Let's go.
This is impossible.
In all the years I have been director
of this academy...
Colonel, don't be so stuffy.
It's the first night.
-They'll settle down.
-I'm not stuffy, Miss Wakefield.
But I do believe in discipline.
You and your girls obviously
have a lot to learn about good manners.
Oh, now just a minute.
My girls are just as well mannered as...
(DOOR OPENING)
Posie!
You get out here! Now!
You again!
It was all my fault, Miss Wakefield.
Don't blame Jeremy.
I just came down to talk to him...
Back to your room immediately!
We'll deal with you in the morning.
-Sir, it wasn't her fault that...
-At ease, Ross!
Ross, it's all right, son. I understand.
You go to bed now.
Yes, sir.
Sergeant! Go with the boy.
And this time
make sure he goes to sleep.
Yes, sir!
I want that girl expelled
for violating academy rules!
-Here! Here!
-EMILY: Expelled?
You're not exactly equal
in your discipline, are you?
-Miss Wakefield...
-Now, now, Colonel.
I admit that
Posie used terrible judgment,
but to presume the worst
without all the facts...
Miss Wakefield, a rule is a rule!
Likewise, a fair hearing!
And why are you blaming her for all of it?
What about the boy?
May I remind you,
he was not in her room.
She was in his!
What is the difference?
Miss Wakefield, I'm going to bed.
The only thing I want to hear
from you now is a promise
that your girls will refrain from
besmirching the academy's good name.
Fine! I'll do it!
As soon as you treat your co-director
with the respect she deserves!
(DOOR SLAMS)
(LAUGHING)
Bettina, my love,
the war is as good as won.
They can't stand each other!
Perhaps.
But don't you think Miss Emily
had a point?
A teeny-weeny little point?
About giving the little girl a fair hearing?
(CLICKS TONGUE)
Bettina, my love, you're just a woman.
You can't expect
to understand these things.
Yes, General. I'll be in our quarters
warming up your brandy.
Oh, thank you, my dear.
(CHUCKLES) Good woman.
Ernestine, my little rum baba!
I love money just as much as you do,
if not more.
Why, you can ask anybody at the Ritz
in San Remo and they will tell you.
A Di Gonzini will live and die for money.
But for blood money, never!
And not at the expense of a young child.
Never!
Jamais, jamais.
You don't have a choice.
Unless you want to wind up
back in San Remo.
Selling Italian encyclopedias!
I see.
What about Vincent?
The escaped gorilla from the zoo?
Oh! He'll do anything I ask.
Which is the beauty
of hiring an ex-convict
who knows that I know just
how many times he's violated his parole.
-You folks ready?
-Yes, my dear.
(SPEAKING IN ITALIAN)
Or anything you can recommend.
-(STOMPS)
-Ow!
On second thought,
I will have anything she has.
Maybe you need some more time, huh?
Look! But don't look.
Isn't that the old caretaker
from the school?
Oh, so it is!
Sergio, why don't you invite him
to join us for a drink?
-But, he's a peasant!
-Yes.
But, he could be a storehouse
of valuable information.
(DOG BARKING)
(SNORTING)
Time I got back to my own...
Oh, no. Not again!
(SIGHS)
Where now?
Jeremy!
Jeremy! Where are you, boy?
You're going to get me drawn
and quartered.
Great balls of fire! What is that?
Hit the trenches, boy!
It may be an enemy patrol!
It's all right, lad! I'll handle this.
Well, drat my druthers!
That's one of them
new horseless surreys. Hmph!
Oh, yeah.
There, you see that, lad?
Takes an experienced hand
to know you wasn't in any real trouble.
What in tarnation is that for?
Darn it.
I hope nobody saw me running away.
Running away? No, wait a minute.
You can't do that.
The General will kill me.
No! Wait, halt!
Doggone it,
I'm gonna have to stop him somehow!
Well, here goes.
All right, lad. Now I know you can
see me, so you can hear me, too.
Where you going with that bag?
Well, say something, boy.
Who are you?
Sergeant-Major Chester B. Sweet.
84th Calvary. Battalion B.
Then, it's true! You are a ghost!
Ben isn't crazy!
Ben? That's a matter of opinion.
All right! All right, I am a ghost!
But that's no reason
for you to get me in trouble
by making me turn visible
against orders.
Now, where are you going with that bag?
-To my aunt's.
-Your aunt's? Why?
Because I can't do anything right
and all I do is get people in trouble.
Like Posie.
And because of you, too!
I'm scared of ghosts.
Oh, now look here, boy.
You got no reason to be scared of me.
I'm on orders to help you
and make sure things work out right.
Oh, no. No way!
POSIE: Jeremy? Is that you in there?
Girl! Now don't you dare mention me!
She walked right past you!
She didn't even see you!
Of course not.
She can't hear me, neither.
Who are you talking to?
You were running away
because you got me in trouble, right?
You've got to do what you think is right.
But I hope you stay.
For you and for me.
Listen to her, lad,
she's a smart little trifle.
For a girl!
We can keep each other going,
maybe even have a little fun.
Like giving old Hubert a hard time?
Yeah. Well...
Maybe I'll just sit here
and think about it for awhile, Posie.
Thanks, thanks a lot.
You're okay.
Good lad.
Well, now that that's all settled,
you get back to your room,
forget you ever saw me.
Well, go on! And be happy about it,
before I really get my dander up.
Get!
-ERNESTINE: Ghosts?
-That's right. Ghosts!
And ghostesses. All over the place!
Oh! What kind of ghosts?
It's General Buxley and that Sergeant
buddy of his from the Civil War.
I just know it's them.
Ernestine, my little bisque tortoni,
you really gonna believe all this?
(WHISPERING) No.
But he certainly has given me
a few ideas
on how to get rid of those little girls
by tomorrow night!
(PLAYING OFF-KEY)
Ready, fire!
(STUDENTS TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
-Good morning, sir.
-Good morning, Fletcher.
(BELL RINGING)
You're late, Ross.
-Sorry, sir.
-And uncover.
-What?
-Take your hat off.
(BOYS LAUGHING)
At ease, gentlemen.
As you know,
due to recent reductions in staff,
Mr. Finchley is no longer with us.
So, I'll be taking over
his sex education class.
Needless to say,
most Buxley boys know the score
when it comes to old Mother Nature.
(BOYS LAUGHING)
Okay, girls.
Just find yourselves a seat, come on.
I'm sorry we're late,
we had trouble with the room numbers.
Miss Wakefield.
How can you let them
come to class like this?
Dressed like a band of hippies!
Come on, Colonel.
That's the way kids dress these days.
Ah. Sex education.
Please continue, we're all ears.
Yes.
Well, if you will open your books
to chapter six, you boys
and girls...
Will find illustrations
of the male and female...
(GIGGLING)
Persons.
Now then, reproduction takes
one of each.
I mean, uh...
Mother Nature, in her infinite wisdom,
has devised the simplest of systems.
That is to say,
(CLEARS THROAT)
the male has a function
and the female has a function,
which doesn't become a function
until they...
Function together.
Are there any questions so far?
Oh!
Well, it's all right there in the book.
Why don't you just
read it for yourselves?
(STUDENTS MURMURING)
(LAUGHING)
(HOWLING)
Oh, that's beautiful! Just beautiful!
Why, if I were 20 years younger,
I would go along myself.
Ah, I even got some vampire's blood.
Ugh!
Ah!
I think I'm going to get sick, please.
Sergio, now you come back here!
Oh, now, darling!
I'm only asking you to be a boy again.
For just one night,
so we can drive those obnoxious
little girls right out of the academy!
Now! See how easy this all is? Hmm?
There we are!
Voila! "The Ghosts of Buxley Hall."
SERGIO: Mamma mia!
(KIDS SHOUTING EXCITEDLY)
Chester?
Chester, you around here?
Right here, boy!
Oh! Upper classmen. Salute!
Chester, you've got to stop doing that!
Doin' what?
Well, you know. Everything!
Protecting me, making me feel better.
Somebody's gonna suspect
something's screwy.
Oh, hogwash!
You let me worry about that.
'Sides, somebody's got to help you.
Until you learn for yourself
not to let people push you around.
But that's just it!
I wanna learn by myself sometime.
(CHESTER MUMBLING)
Hey! You talking to yourself again?
Oh, hi. Uh... Yeah. I guess it's a habit.
Ten hut! Hit a brace, mister!
Chin in! Shoulders back!
Stomach flat! Eyes straight!
Why were you sitting on a bench
reserved for upper classmen?
-I didn't know...
-No explanations, mister!
There are only three words used here!
Yes, sir! No, sir! And no excuse, sir!
Hubert, that's the dumbest thing
I've ever heard!
Interfering with military discipline
is against regulations, miss!
So just keep it up and I'll be happy
to report it to Colonel Buxley.
I'll give you something to report,
you finky little twitch!
No, no! No, Posie, I can handle it.
Thank you.
You let this happen again, Ross,
you'll be on report for sure!
Sorry about that, lad!
All them years hanging on the wall,
I forgot about the bench rule.
Look, Chester,
do you really want to help me?
Well, what do you think I've been doin'?
Not your way. My way.
Look, just tell me.
Can you teach me how to box?
Box? You mean?
I've always been afraid to learn.
But, if Hubert so much as
lifts one finger to get Posie expelled,
I've got to do something!
But me, on my own!
Well, is that all?
Well, you just leave that to me.
I wasn't regimental champ for nothing.
Here, come on over here!
I'll start you out on the basics.
You realize, of course,
that by hittin' a superior officer,
you can get yourself
in a mess of trouble, don't you?
Oh, it'll be worth it!
Well, with that kind of spunk
it ain't going to take much.
All right, the first thing.
After you get your dukes up,
you got to say to yourself,
"I believe, I believe."
Now that's real important, especially
if that other fellow is bigger than you.
-I believe.
-All right, all right then.
Then it's just a matter of
keeping yourself moving
while you're peppering him with a steady
one, two, three, carrumph!
That carrumph, there...
That there is a cannonball.
All right, now you try it.
-One...
-Get your feet apart.
All right, get them hands up there.
Look mean, boy, come on!
One, two, three...
-Carrumph?
-Carrumph.
-Carrumph!
-All right, try the carrumph again.
One, two, three, carrumph!
Oh, little harder, Sergeant? Okay.
One, two, three, carrumph!
Okay, Sergeant. Stay tough.
One, two, three, carrumph!
How's that, Sergeant?
Okay? Sergeant, you're a good teacher.
(BLABBERING)
Sergeant!
One, two, three, carrumph!
Be ready.
(PLAYING OFF-KEY)
(SIGHS)
My great-great-grandson
is not going to like this!
I've got to admire your spunk.
You just keep coming, don't you?
I try, Colonel.
-Look, Miss Wakefield...
-Please call me Emily.
All right, Emily, if you'll call me Joe.
Come on, boy,
this is not the way it's supposed to be.
I'm really sick this time, Colonel.
I've got pneumonia and my appendix
hurts and my throat is strep.
Oh, that sounds serious, Williams.
We'd better take a look at that.
Here.
-What's that?
-Hmm?
Oh, hypotetrasulphaline.
It will make you feel better.
-I think I feel better already.
-Are you sure?
Positive. I feel terrific.
COLONEL BUXLEY: That's good.
-Hey, David.
-Yes, sir?
Here, why don't you try one of these?
They're supposed to be awfully good
for people just getting over an illness.
DAVID: Thank you, sir.
Good night.
Very nice, Joe.
Oh, I try.
Williams always goes through this
the night before Suicide Hill.
Suicide Hill?
The severest test of character ever
devised for the young men of Buxley.
And the young women.
Unless, of course, you'd rather not.
Oh, don't worry. We'll be there.
Somehow, I knew you would.
(GENERAL LAUGHING)
Suicide Hill, huh? So, that's your plan?
Well, sir, now we're getting somewhere.
Mamma mia!
C'mon, Count. We got work to do.
I got a better idea. Why don't you
go ahead and I'll watch, you know?
Hey, if you don't come in,
I'm telling the little missus.
Capisce?
-I can't watch?
-You can't watch.
All right. I go with you.
Why should I miss all the fun?
(MUMBLING IN ITALIAN)
(VINCENT GROANS)
VINCENT: Get off my back!
(MOANING EERILY)
(BETTINA SCREAMING)
Eulace!
Eulace! Eulace! Help!
Bettina! She's in trouble!
-Bettina, darling!
-They went that way.
Who?
Two ghosts. They scared me to death.
There they are.
(WICKED LAUGHTER)
Just as I thought. Imposters!
Charge!
Ow!
VINCENT: Hey! Quit sticking me!
SERGIO: If I'm in front of you,
how can I stick you?
Imbecile! Keep it quiet. Follow me.
(SERGIO MUTTERING)
(SERGIO WAILING EERILY)
(VINCENT LAUGHING WICKEDLY)
-Give me back my head!
-I ain't got your head!
(CHESTER MOANING EERILY)
What did you say?
(SHUDDERING) Look.
(CHESTER WAILING)
(GASPS)
Do you see what I see?
Something funny's going on
around here.
Vincent, you suppose it is...
You know who?
I don't know.
(BOTH SCREAMING)
(CHESTER LAUGHING)
(BOTH WAILING)
I don't believe in ghosts,
but I'm getting out of here.
Wait for me!
(LAUGHTER AND WAILING
CONTINUE)
Joe, what do you think's going on?
(CHESTER LAUGHING)
Follow them, Sweet.
And don't let them get away
until you find out who they are,
and why they're trying
to steal our thunder.
Yes, sir.
It's upstairs.
(CHILDREN CLAMORING)
(VINCENT SCREAMS)
Get off my hand!
SERGIO: I knew this
would never work.
Wait, Vincent!
Don't leave me alone. Wait a minute!
What a mess
you and my wife got me into!
VINCENT: I'm not leaving you.
SERGIO: Come on. She will be furious.
If we don't scare the girls
out of Buxley Hall, it is finished.
Because Jeremy will stay put,
and we will lose the chance
of controlling his inheritance.
-Do you understand?
-No.
That's your game.
Posie, take this thing downstairs
and put it in my office.
(KIDS TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
-At ease, gentlemen! At ease.
-(TALKING STOPS)
Now, you know this is off limits up here.
Get back to your quarters immediately.
Oh, Joe, relax.
All boys their age love to scare the girls.
It's normal.
Boys? My boys traipsing around
in sheets and Halloween masks?
Oh, come, come, Miss Wakefield.
We both know whose group specializes
in breaking all the rules around here.
"Miss Wakefield"?
What happened to "Emily"?
Gone.
Along with any thought that
we could ever work things out amicably.
I'll see you at 0800 on Suicide Hill.
I smell divorce between the two schools.
No way.
Believe me.
I've been through a few of them.
But calling off the merger?
That doesn't make any sense.
If I know Miss Wakefield,
there's no way she's gonna let
Colonel Buxley push her around.
I don't know what I'll do
with you here and me somewhere else.
Well, you don't have to worry.
Because if you leave Buxley, I'll leave.
And that's final. I don't care
how much my uncle wants me to stay.
Eulace?
Eulace, wake up.
Eulace, wake up, please!
I've got something to tell you.
(SNORES)
Oh, the old blunderbuss.
Oh, well.
He probably wouldn't listen
to me anyway. He never does.
What's the trouble, ma'am?
Something important?
Well, yes.
I just overheard poor little Jeremy
sounding very unhappy
and telling his friend Posie,
that if she leaves Buxley,
he's going to leave Buxley.
Hmm. Meanin' goodbye Uncle George
and all the folding green
the General's countin' on
to bail out the school.
General!
General, wake up, sir. It's urgent!
Dang! Like tryin' to raise the dead!
Ah, no pun intended, ma'am.
Well, Chester,
we've got to do something.
Yeah, you're right.
Especially about Suicide Hill.
We gotta make sure
them girls don't quit.
The General won't like that.
Well, you let me worry about that.
I'll explain it to him.
Sometimes it is better to retreat a little
than to lose the war.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
COLONEL BUXLEY:
All right, gentlemen.
This is war.
And the enemy is up there.
Now, I expect a new record
to the top this year.
Am I going to get it?
-BOYS: Yes, sir!
-I didn't hear you, gentlemen.
BOYS: (ENTHUSIASTICALLY) Yes, sir!
EMILY: Okay, listen, girls. There's
going to be a new record, all right?
-Ours!
-(GIRLS CHEERING)
Beggin' General's pardon, sir.
Later, Sergeant. The attack
is going to begin in 30 seconds.
Before this day is over,
these girls will be sorry
they ever heard the name of Buxley.
But, sir,
there's somethin' you ought to know.
-If the girls leave...
-Silence!
You know my routine.
All right, Captain. Let's move them out.
Sir.
Company! Atten-hut!
HUBERT: Charge!
Okay, girls. Let's go!
(BUGLE CONTINUES
PLAYING OFF-KEY)
Come on, boy. You can make it.
Your friends are waitin' there for you.
Come on, boy! Upward and on!
Oh, for Pete's sake.
-General?
-Ha ha!
That isn't fair.
All's fair in love and war, my dear.
Sergeant?
Step aside.
(GRUNTS)
Let's go. Let's go.
(SCREECHES)
-All right?
-Yeah, thanks.
Good.
See you at the top of the hill.
You creep!
COLONEL BUXLEY: Move it. Move it.
Move it! Come on. Let's move it!
Ross!
Posie!
COLONEL BUXLEY:
Move it, move it, move it!
Now, you mean the boy actually believes
he's talking to ghosts?
BEN: That's right.
Especially to that Sergeant Sweet.
Who died in 1897?
(SLURRING) I tell you,
I heard the little bugger talkin' to him
while he was swingin' at thin air.
I certainly did.
Per favore. My little spumoni face.
Listen to him. Please.
Oh, shut up, Sergio.
I don't want to hear it.
Besides...
I've got a better idea.
It's absolutely foolproof,
thanks to Ben here. Drink up, Ben.
Come on. Come on.
Enjoy your dinner, huh.
Come on, men!
-Well done, Miss Wakefield.
-(GASPING) Thank you.
-So far.
-So far?
Well, unfortunately
there's one obstacle left.
The rope slide across Dogface Ravine
to the finishing point.
Unless, of course, you ladies,
would rather walk down that way.
EMILY: Not on your life.
All right, men!
Let's show them how it's done.
Geronimo!
(CHILDREN CHEERING)
BOYS: Hooray!
Pocahontas!
(CHILDREN EXCLAIMING)
Oh, dear. What a shame.
But that's the way it goes,
Miss Wakefield.
I mean, sooner or later
the wheat is separated from the chaff.
Here. Give me your hand.
Thank you, Colonel.
(CHILDREN LAUGHING)
(EMILY LAUGHING)
At ease, Miss Wakefield.
(CHEERING)
Oliver, we can't wait. The boy is on
the verge of a complete breakdown.
But you don't understand.
My court calendar is jammed.
But you've been such a good friend.
And you knew Jeremy's father.
Oh, please.
Please, can't you find some time
to see him?
And then you can decide
what's best for the boy.
I don't see how, Ernestine.
I've got court all month.
Oliver,
I'm afraid of what's going to happen.
What he might do to himself.
All right, Ernestine.
I have an alumni dinner tomorrow,
but if you can have the boy
at your house at 5:00 sharp,
I'll make it a point to drop by.
Fair enough?
Oh, yes, Oliver.
Thank you. Oh, thank you.
The Countess and I thank you
very much, sir. You are most generous.
We appreciate you very much, sir.
Thank you.
(KIDS CHEERING)
Posie? Posie, you there?
I had a hunch this is where you've been
meeting your little Posie.
What's that to you?
Hey, button up, mister.
You don't have permission to talk.
And pop to. That's an order!
Poor Jeremy. Gonna miss
your little troublemaker, aren't you?
Now that the girls are gonna leave.
It's a lie.
And I'm sick and tired of you calling
Posie names, you hear me, Hubert?
Loud and clear.
Question is,
what are you gonna do about it?
I'll punch you out, that's what.
(LAUGHING) Is that so?
Well. I'm, ah, ready if you are.
(SOFTLY) Chester, are you there?
Chester?
Clear a space, men.
I believe. I believe.
I believe!
All right, Ross. Time to punch me out.
Come on. Let's go. Come on.
One.
-Come on.
-Two.
Three, carrumph!
Lucky punch.
Oh!
Come on. Let's go.
One. Two.
Three, carrumph!
Anything more
you want to say about Posie?
What was that all about?
Nothing. Let's get out of here.
-Did you see that? I carrumphed Hubert.
-Yeah. I saw the whole thing, lad.
What are you talking about?
Oh, uh... Nothing.
Well, did you see me?
I knocked down Hubert for both of us.
Well, what's the matter?
Don't feel so sad.
That jerk's never gonna bother us again.
A lot of good it's gonna do us.
-Oh, Jeremy, we're leaving Buxley.
-What?
Miss Wakefield's had it
with the Colonel and vice versa.
-Well, what are we gonna do?
-Shhh. Not now.
Yes, now. We have to talk about this.
All of us.
Uh, Jeremy. Who're you talking to?
Sergeant-Major Chester Sweet.
Okay, don't believe me.
-Chester, you've got to let her see you.
-No. I can't.
Okay. But I swear,
if she leaves Buxley, I leave.
Look, don't say that. Ever!
Anyway, being a female,
all she's gonna do is scream.
I know women.
-Okay then I'm leaving.
-No. Wait.
All right.
But you're gonna hear a scream.
-There.
-(SCREAMS)
There. See what I said?
Hey, you're not kiddin'.
You've got a ghost for a friend.
I am not a ghost. I'm a friendly spirit.
And don't you forget it.
Hey, don't get so uptight, Chester.
I'd like to be your friend, too.
If I was gonna be around long enough.
Well, Chester, can't you do
anything about that?
Well, I'm sorry, lad. It's finished.
I'm finished. It's back to being
a dusty old painting forever.
Oh, Chester. Don't say that.
CHESTER: Well, I got to. It's the truth.
You and the girls leave,
then Jeremy leaves.
If Jeremy leaves,
there goes his Uncle George's promise
to take care of
Buxley's financial problems.
Okay, then I'll do it.
What're you gonna do?
Buy the school myself.
Make everybody happy.
But, Jeremy,
even if your Uncle George does let you
buy the academy, what then?
Well, simple. I'll make Colonel Buxley
apologize to Miss Wakefield
and insist she stay. Right, Chester?
Sounds good to me.
Chester?
Shh.
Well, Chester, you were talking to them.
You let them see you.
Well, I had to. But let me explain.
(SIGHS)
Darn it. He isn't home.
Hello, my darling.
-Aunt Ernestine.
-Mmm-hmm.
Look, the boy had his bag
and everything.
I didn't have any choice.
I had to let him see me.
Oh, my.
What is the General going to say?
What can he say?
It's either the girls or oblivion.
Freeze it, ice it. Um...
-You mean cool it.
-Yeah.
-Hey, Chester.
-Where's Jeremy?
With his Aunt Ernestine.
When he told her that
he couldn't get a hold of his uncle,
she said that she'd see to it that he did.
His aunt? That old... She's here?
Well, she was.
He went to her house for dinner.
Oh, great balls of thunder and tarnation.
We gotta stop her.
That old bag gets her hands on Jeremy,
it's lights out for everybody.
Now, c'mon.
Chester, how are we going to get there?
Shhh. When all else fails,
there's always old picklepuss. Come on.
(STARTS ENGINE)
So, that's all there is to it.
Heck, it ain't nothing compared to
breaking in a good trail pony.
Wonder what this doohickey does.
What about this thingamabob?
(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
What the...
(TURNS OFF RADIO)
(HONKS)
Oh, no. No, don't let it be.
Please. Don't let it be.
(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
They're here!
(HONKING)
They're here! Oh, oh!
(HORN HONKING)
BETTINA: Now, see what you did!
Who's going to drive?
CHESTER: Don't worry, ma'am.
Easy as pie.
Just shove down this little handle here,
and away we go.
(CHESTER CHUCKLES)
BETTINA: Watch it. Watch it!
CHESTER: Don't worry, ma'am.
I got this little thing under control.
-Chester. Watch out!
-Whoa! Whoa!
We're so happy
to have you with us in our home.
Won't we have a nice visit, though.
Now, perhaps I can help you, dear,
if you'll just tell me again.
-Why do you want to buy Buxley Hall?
-No.
Oh, you can talk to me.
Even if it has something to do
with your Sergeant friend?
How do you know about him?
Oh, well, an aunt
has a way of hearing things.
Oh, don't look so worried.
Why, when I was your age,
I had a fairy godmother.
Oh, I loved her
and talked to her all the time.
She never did answer me.
That's probably because
she wasn't a real ghost like Chester.
ERNESTINE: Chester?
Well, really it's
Sergeant-Major Chester Sweet.
And he's the best friend I ever had.
We talk all the time.
How nice.
Oh, I'd love to meet him.
Oh, no! You can't.
I'm the only one that can see him.
But, he is there. Unless the girls leave.
Then the bank
will have to sell the school off
and he'll just be
a dusty old painting again.
(SIGHS SOFTLY)
BETTINA: Chester! Will you slow down?
CHESTER: I'm trying to! Whoa!
-(VEHICLES HONKING)
-CHESTER: Whoa!
You're absolutely right, Ernestine.
The boy obviously needs
a great deal of help.
Oh, yes! But not the kind of help
George is giving him.
I mean, shipping the poor child
from school to school
without any regard for his mental state.
Yes. Well, a change of custody
would certainly seem in order.
Then, you will support me in court?
Better than that.
I'll speak to George tomorrow morning
and urge him to agree
to a voluntary changeover.
Oh, bravo! Bravo!
Ciao, Judge Haynes. Ciao.
Tesoro mio, you see how simple it is?
BETTINA: Oh, there it is, 1095.
CHESTER: Hang on, ma'am!
CHESTER: Whoa boy, whoa!
Hold it. Whoa!
(RADIATOR HISSING)
(FOOTSTEPS DESCENDING)
(FOOTSTEPS CRUNCHING)
All right! Who's there?
Vincent, you don't suppose
it's, you know...
-(PUNCHING SOUND)
-Ah!
(PUNCHING SOUND)
Mr. Ghost, please don't hurt me.
You see, I like you. I am very friend...
(STUTTERING) I am Count... Gonzini...
(STAMMERING)
This is the crest of my family!
Sergio? Vincent?
Will one of you please get Jeremy
a glass of milk!
Oh, that's okay, Aunt Ernestine,
I'll get it myself.
Oh, all right, dear! Well,
I'll just leave this here for you, all right?
(FLOORBOARD CREAKS)
Sergio! Is that you?
Oh, no!
If you think that I am going to fall
for one of these cheap tricks,
well, you've got another think coming.
BETTINA: It's no trick, Ernestine.
(LAUGHS) All right, prove it.
(ERNESTINE GASPS)
All right. How's this?
Oh!
CHESTER: Or this?
-Boo!
-Oh!
JEREMY: Chester!
-And...
-Hello, Jeremy. I'm Bettina Buxley.
Hi. What happened to Aunt Ernestine?
She tried to do you
out of your inheritance, that's what!
Come on. We'll explain it on the way.
Okay. Thanks, Uncle George.
See you then.
Well?
He won't let me buy it.
But he's coming up
first thing in the morning
to see about setting up
a special trust fund for the school.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
All right, troops, mount up!
SERGIO: Ernestine! My tutti-frutti!
Did they hurt you?
They was here, the ghosts.
They was.
Oh!
Oh, but this time
they have met their match!
Where are you going?
What are you going to do?
I am going to buy Buxley Academy
from Quimby, first thing in the morning!
Ernestine, my little rum baba,
Judge Haynes already promised you
the boy's legal custody.
Why would you want to buy the school?
Because I am not going to rest
until that place is leveled to the ground.
And those insolent, meddlesome ghosts
right along with it.
And I don't care how much of
Jeremy's fortune this is going to cost.
Well, it's a shame
things couldn't work out.
You know you have my total admiration.
You're...
...quite a woman, Emily.
Thank you, Joe.
Chester, watch this.
Please, ma'am, we have got to find
the General before he bollixes things up.
Shh! I think they're going to make up.
You know, Emily, I was thinking.
Maybe we could make a compromise.
That is, if you could
put up with a man like me.
Compromise?
You see, I'm expecting
certain funds shortly and...
Well, perhaps we could build
a separate facility for you and your girls.
-Separate?
-But equal.
Separate but equal?
Sure!
No, not on your life.
Then, I guess that settles it,
Miss Wakefield.
Indeed it does, Colonel Buxley.
-Any questions?
-(CLICKS TONGUE)
Okay, girls. Put everything on the truck.
Please check to make sure that
you haven't left anything behind. Okay?
Push everything
way to the back of the truck.
Your Uncle George better hurry!
He said he'd be here.
EMILY: Come on girls, on the bus.
Hurry!
I got to go.
Bye.
Make sure that you have everything.
Get on the bus.
Feel no shame, ladies.
You were a noble adversary.
Noble indeed.
Eulace! We've been
looking all over for you!
You're just in time to observe the enemy
flee the battlefield.
That's just the problem, sir.
We can't let the girls leave.
The academy's survival depends on it.
Impossible. I can't believe it.
Oh, no, no, no. It's the only way.
The girls have to stay.
Sherman was right. War is hell.
Stop! Stop that car.
-Halt! Stop!
-Please stop.
I'm sorry, ma'am! You can't enter...
Please get out of my way.
I just bought this place.
Please! You can't do this!
Oh, yes, I can!
Aunt Ernestine!
What are you doing here?
Darling! I've come to take you home.
Not with you. I'm not going with you.
All you want is my money.
-Oh!
-What seems to be the trouble here?
Sir, this woman insists
that she just bought the academy!
Which I plan to tear down
to the ground immediately!
That's impossible!
You have no legal right to do anything!
Quimby?
Well, I did just close the deal, I think.
(SQUEALS)
I mean, absolutely.
Quimby, I'll get an injunction to stop you.
Now, you had all better leave.
And I do mean now.
Forget it!
Gentlemen, if you will please follow me!
Attack!
Captain, mobilize the cadets
immediately.
Yes, sir!
-And that means you, Ross.
-Yes, sir!
Quimby...
Hawkins, sound assembly
on the double!
Move! Move!
Come on! Let's go! Let's go!
Colonel, what is going on?
No time to talk. The academy,
they're trying to tear it down.
Tear down my academy?
COLONEL BUXLEY: Captain,
open the tool shed
and issue weapons, immediately!
Don't just stand there.
Prepare the artillery!
Yes, sir!
-HUBERT: Move it! Move it!
-Eulace, I'm coming, too!
Well, I guess if West Point
and Annapolis can handle it,
-so can I.
-(BETTINA EXCLAIMS)
Come on, girls, off the bus!
(PLAYING OFF-KEY)
-Now knock that down!
-Down!
All right, you men! Out of that truck!
Now let's go! Come on! Let's go.
Move it! Move it! On the double!
We have no ammo, sir.
Well, what'll we do?
Wait! How about this cement?
Move it! Move it! Move it!
Move it! Move it!
All right! Hold your ranks, men!
Well?
(MEN MUTTERING)
GENERAL: Load her up.
What is the matter with you men?
Yes! Do you realize I am paying you
good money for this?
Oh, sissies!
Are you going to let a bunch of
spoiled little brats make fools of you?
-No, ma'am!
-All right then, get in there!
-Yeah!
-That's more like it.
(GIRLS CHEERING)
Ah! Ah!
(BUGLING CHARGE PERFECTLY)
Fire!
Direct hit! Good shooting, my dear!
Good shooting!
BOYS: Charge!
Hurry! Get Jeremy!
Let me go!
-Somebody do something!
-ERNESTINE: Vincent, hurry up!
Chester!
Joe!
(CHILDREN CHEERING)
Oh! Oh!
See you back at the house!
-Grab his feet, somebody.
-I got him. I got him.
Come on!
Halt!
(SCREAMING)
Get off my property!
(CHESTER LAUGHING)
We won't let you wreck
our school!
(CHESTER LAUGHING)
(SCREAMING)
-Excellent.
-Yeah.
Uncle George!
Ah, Jeremy!
Oh, you look great!
Oh, oh, oh.
They're after me again! They are!
A whole army of ghosts.
Popping in and out all over the place!
Shooting cannons at me,
a pie in my face.
They are, they are.
I can't stand it anymore!
(SPEAKING IN ITALIAN)
About these change
of custody papers, George,
obviously your sister is in no condition
to assume the guardianship of Jeremy,
now or ever.
-We did it!
-Yes, we did it!
All right!
You and your girls were brilliant!
Thank you!
It's a moment we'll always remember,
wherever we are.
Well...
-I guess we better go.
-Do you have to?
I mean,
do you really want to?
Let's face it, Joe.
This is your academy
and it always will be.
I'll be right back, Uncle George.
I have to find someone.
-Colonel Buxley!
-Mr. Ross!
I just discussed it with Mr. Hart,
and pending your approval,
I've agreed to set up an endowment fund
in memory of Jeremy's parents,
that should relieve
all financial burdens of the academy.
-Mr. Ross...
-But...
-There is one condition.
-Sir?
That the academy remain
co-educational,
and be co-administered
on an equal basis by Miss Wakefield.
What do you say, Colonel?
Any objections?
No, no! I... I think it's wonderful!
But, it's...
Not up to me alone.
Sounds like a lovely idea.
Mr. Ross, you've got a deal!
Good! Good!
Oh, Eulace, isn't that wonderful!
Humph! My own great-great-grandson!
Gooey as a marshmallow.
Chester?
-Chester, where are you?
-Chester, you around here anywhere?
-Chester?
-Chester?
-Chester, where are you?
-Chester?
Right here.
Chester, you were great. All of you!
And that cannon! Wow!
Yeah. Well, whatever.
It's over now.
Listen.
You two take care of yourselves.
You mean I won't see you again? Ever?
Afraid not, lad.
Back to the trophy room wall
for the lot of us.
But what are we going to do
without you?
Oh, you'll be all right. The both of you.
You two, skedaddle.
Go on! Scoot!
You know I ain't the type
for this goodbye stuff.
Thank you.
Go on.
(GENERAL SIGHS)
Oh, there you are, Sergeant.
Time to settle in again,
now that the academy is safe.
Begging the General's pardon, sir,
but I was just thinking about
that very thing.
I mean, the academy's safe today,
but what about tomorrow?
Good point. Things could go wrong.
What did you have in mind, Sweet?
Well, sir,
that we keep reconnoitering the area.
Make sure that all goes well.
Hmm. Yes.
Very well, Sergeant. Post a guard.
Yes, sir!
Women. I just can't get used to it.
Ah, but I still have my memories
of the old days,
when men were men
and women knew their place.
Bettina, my dove,
open a bottle of sherry.
Open it yourself, Eulace!