The Go-Getters (2018) Movie Script

What the fuck? What the fuck?
Stop, stop, stop, stop,
what the fuck you doing?
Sorry, I thought
you were garbage.
- What the fuck, Kev?
- You're late.
You wanna tell me
why I just woke up
with all my shit in the street
and my key missing?
Sure, it's because
you don't pay rent
and I'm sick of finding you
drunk and passed out on my floor.
- I work to pay off that rent.
- I'm sorry, you what?
- I unclog the shitter.
- I unclog the shitter.
- I fixed this loose door thing over here.
- Oh, yeah. This door?
I sweep, I clean--
No, no, you pretend to sweep
while you steal my fucking booze!
I what?
I've never stolen...
Prove it,
prove that I steal your booze.
- All right, yeah.
- I don't steal.
No, not on fire.
You know why because
you drank my booze
and you replaced it
with water.
I'm your fucking brother,
No. No, you're a thief,
and a liar, and a drunk,
and a fucking embarrassment,
You can drag your mattress into
the boiler room and live there.
I can what?
I can drag, into the...
Ooh, I am a human.
You can't just banish me
like I'm some hunchy-back
franken monster,
throw him into the bell tower,
wrap him in chains
and drop him to the bottom
of the, of the, the, the...
I'm not dungeon garbage!
You know, if the government
of humane whatever
came by here and I was a dog,
they would arrest you.
You got a better offer,
take it.
What if I just jumped over there and
took my key back, how about that?
- How about that?
- Bet it's in your pocket right now.
It is, it's right here
in my pocket.
OK, well I could
just jump over this bar
give you a little side to side,
put you in one of these guys,
I could go out, get my stuff,
with my key,
go back up and put my stuff
in your apartment with the key.
Yep, totally possible.
- Yeah, it's totally possible.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, shit.
Hey, hey.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hey, you all right?
Are you all right?
Hey, do you know who this is?
Oh, come on.
Five bucks.
'Cause why should I
get a break?
Paulie! Oh, fuck me.
Oh, goddammit.
Paulie, one of your hookers
has OD'd in my bathroom again.
Well, call 911.
I'm not paying
for another ambulance,
get someone to drive her.
- Name?
- Prime Minister Chuto.
- OK, we're done here.
- Where the fuck are my things?
Oh, you mean your
vomit soaked dress?
- We threw it out.
- What about my underwear?
You weren't wearing any.
What the fuck am I
supposed to wear home?
Let a smile be your umbrella.
Fucking umbrella!
Oh, yeah, I bet you it fucking
turns you on doesn't it?
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah.
You wanna fuck this?
You wanna fuck...
Stanky pussy
Lay it on me, mama
Pussy stank
but so do marijuana
You're fired.
- What?!
- Yeah, you're unmanageable.
I mean, I can't deal
with it anymore.
If you're not fucking up then
you're fucked up on pills or--
You give me those pills.
Some pills,
it's called moderation.
All right, see this is
what I'm talking about.
I let you squat at my place,
I give you my meds
and what do I get in return?
Nothing but disrespect.
- Come on, Cerebral--
- See, right there, that's what I'm talking about.
This whole cerebral shit.
That's disrespectful to my face.
Cerebral Paulie
is an endearing name.
No, no, calling me Cerebral
Paulie is not endearing.
I... I was the victim
of a drunk driving accident.
- You were the drunk driver.
- Still a victim.
- Paulie.
- Paul.
- I'll make it up to you.
- Well, how you gonna do that?
'Cause you and your pussy
are worthless.
Yeah, my Blockbuster
membership card
is worth more than
your pussy.
Come on.
You're firing me
and keeping her.
Chablis, yeah.
'Cause she doesn't
vomit all over me.
- Well--
- As much.
Fucking help me.
Oh, fuck.
Goddammit it.
- What?
- Um, no, nothing I--
What the fuck, man?
- Hey, hey I'm--
- What the fuck do you want?
You need money, right?
I have some money
if you... if you need it.
That is like the sweetest--
I was thinking, like,
a hand job.
The fuck is with your hand?
- What do you mean?
- Why... Why's it so rough?
It's like burlap.
I fell in some gravel
a while back,
it got cut to shit.
Are you bleeding?
Relax, man.
You're not gonna get
AIDS from my hand.
Oh, phew. Now I feel so much better.
Thanks, Dr. Hooker.
OK, your dick isn't
going inside me stupid.
How do you think you're gonna get
AIDS, from a scab on my hand?
Well, maybe from
the cut on my dick.
Yeah, I tripped down some steps
last week, caught it on a nail.
Now, who's a stupid?
Well, I don't have AIDS.
I don't have AIDS either.
- Let me use my other hand.
- Yeah, you should do that.
you like that better?
Yeah, I fucking passed out
on my hand last night,
it fucking kills.
OK. Go back to the other one.
- You wanna play with my balls?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, you want that?
OK, maybe,
don't do that for a bit.
OK. OK, yeah.
Oh, yeah. Oh.
OK, you know what?
Whoo, yeah, that's...
OK, we're done.
- Really, you're done?
- Oh, yeah, are you kidding?
You just stroked a dick,
balls lifted up,
carried the jizz right out
the dickie hole, A-plus.
Are you faking?
No, I'm not... I'm not...
no, no, no, I'm--
- Nope.
- Hey, 'cause where is, hm?
Where... where's the guck?
Yeah, I'm telling you,
what happened,
it was so hot
that it just like...
- it turned into air.
- You're fucking faking!
You're such a fucking sissy!
Yeah, you know what, I am
faking, because you're the worst
five-dollar hand job whore
five dollars ever bought.
That is why your pimp fired you
'cause you're bad at your job.
All right,
then five fuck you.
Just give me my fucking,
fucking five dollars and fuck off.
What five bucks?
What are you gonna do,
hooker without a pimp?
Frontier justice bitch.
I have your
money, I have your money,
I have your money, I have your
money, I have your money.
- I don't have your money.
- What?!
Listen, this is why you need
to get the money upfront,
don't you know anything?
Listen, listen, listen, listen.
Wait, wait you need
a place to stay, right?
I might know a place.
So, where you from?
- Really?
- Well, I don't know, fuck.
I can't sleep, tell me a
story, lie to me, something.
OK. Once upon a time,
there was an asshole douchebag
named Fuckface.
- OK, fuck you.
- Oh, no, fuck you.
- What?
- I am from Brockville.
- So, I'm from here.
- So, you wanted me to tell you something,
- I'm telling you something.
- I meant something good,
- not something stupid.
- You asked me, you fuck face.
- You fuck face, you.
- Oh, fuck you.
So, how long
you been a whore?
About nine years,
ever since I moved to the city.
- How's that going for you?
- Yeah, says the guy
who's sleeping in
the Freddy Kreuger room.
- You should quit.
- Oh, that's sweet.
Being that you're the worst.
Yeah, you're the worst
John I ever had.
You're like a little
fucking baby.
Ow, my penis, my little,
little penis.
Nine years, you'd be way better
at hand jobs by now.
- OK, dick scab.
- Three months... If you said three months to me,
I'd be like,
"Oh, yeah, three months.
- OK.
- That's a three month hand job tops.
- Fuck you!
- Fuck you!
Oh, what the...
You smoked all my cigarettes?
Oh, you mean the butts
that you found outside
and put into a can?
Gee, if only there was a way
we could find more.
Jesus fuck!
Quit whining and do something!
Do you have family
in Brockville or...?
Yeah, just a grandma.
She has this big house
outside the city.
What like a house-house?
No, like a,
like a fucking doll house.
Yes, a house-house,
it has a yard,
two floors,
it's all moldy and rotting.
They're probably gonna tear it
down, put her into a home,
she's this crazy
hoarding cat lady.
you have no other family?
No, my family
was burned alive--
I'll fucking fix up
that house.
- You can't fix shit.
- I can, too, I'm handy.
I did this whole bar.
Did what?
Hit it with a hammer?
Look, I can fix up
your cat lady house
and make it look livable.
What can you do?
Uh, things that are
actually true in real life.
Let me paint you
a picture, OK.
This city sucks and it blows
and it's holding us up,
and it's punching us
in the face like this.
- And?
- And, it's turning you
into a shitty junkie hooker
who sucks,
and me into, you know,
like, a cool guy,
who's hit a bit
of a rough patch.
A drunk, do nothing,
shit for brains
- who lives in a monster cave?
- My point is
that we can
get the fuck of here.
We can go Brockville,
I can fix up your house
and we can live in it.
New start.
I'm not living with you.
I can barely stand
looking at you.
You said two floors, right?
Your plan's
pretty stupid, Owen.
- Your face is pretty stupid.
- Eat a dick.
- Eat a dick.
- You eat a dick, you.
So, how we getting there?
I met you at the door
Forty-nine bucks.
OK. OK, that's not so bad.
- Each.
- Fuck. Fuck.
That's like 90 bucks.
- Ninety-eight.
- Nerd.
- OK, dick.
- OK, OK, 98 bucks.
We can do that,
that's doable.
Can do, can be done.
You look like
a serial killer.
You look like
a mental patient.
You spelt Brockville wrong.
Yeah, on purpose,
it's a joke,
it's a hilarious word joke.
It's stupid
and you're stupid
and everyone thinks
you're retarded.
Well, everyone thinks
you are a crazy whore,
because you're a crazy whore.
We are going
to do this my way.
I'm in charge, you are the drunk
do nothing fuck up.
I am the hustler,
we're doing this my way.
What is your way? We're gonna fuck
the cars into stopping for us?
You know that thing, Christians,
they wanna help the needy.
- Yeah.
- We gotta take advantage of that.
We gotta look more needy.
What is more needy
that no pants?
Injured, no pants.
Help me, my leg!
I need to get to a hospital!
- In Brockville.
- In Brockville.
Help this crazy whore
who hurt her leg
and needs to get to
a hospital in Brockville.
Oh, fuck, dude,
say I'm your wife or something.
Oh, come... that's...
We're going for believable.
Well, don't say whore.
People don't stop for whores.
People stop for whores all the
time, that's the whole busi...
Oh, my God, you've never
fucked a John who had a car.
Shut up, do your job.
Help... Hey, hey!
My disgusting aunty
broke her leg.
- Oh, fuck you.
- Just stay in character.
Hey, help!
She's so gross, help!
You know what,
just be a man.
Get out there
and stop that car!
- OK, I'll do it, OK.
- Make 'em stop.
not cool, man!
OK, now you go.
- What, like, in the road?
- Yeah, in the road.
Fuck that,
I'll get hit by a car.
No, no, no,
they're gonna stop for you now
- because I'm actually injured.
- So what?
Are you saying
that I'm a shitty actor?
OK, yeah, Brando,
show me what you got?
Subtle, I'm playing it
very subtle.
Hey, hey, hey!
This ugly hobo
got hit by a car.
He got hit by a car.
Are you all right miss?
Yeah, yeah.
Where you headed?
- Agua Valley.
- Are you going through Brockville?
- Can do.
- Perfect.
Told you I heard you
cry those animals
Back in your eye lids
Well, that didn't work.
Oh, look what the world
barfed back up!
- Motherfucker tried to rob me. I showed him.
- What you beat him up?
- No, I just didn't have anything.
- Oh, you did show him.
Then, guy throws me
out of the car to the gravel,
again with the fucking gravel.
Look at my face,
it's all fucking chafed.
Yeah, and then I go back
to where I left you
and guess what? You're gone.
Vamoosh. I had to walk all the
way back here by myself, asshole.
First of all, you left me,
you backwards country dick.
Secondly, it's vamoose,
not vamoosh.
Vamoosh is not a thing.
Thirdly, I'm glad
your skin is chafey,
now you know
how my dick feels.
It looks like you gave
a hand job to your own face.
What the fuck? Can we just, um,
slow down for a minute here.
What the fuck, guys?
My grandma's got a crazy,
cat lady house in Brockville.
Yeah, I'm gonna fix it up,
we're both gonna live there.
- I call top floor.
- We're gonna get the fuck out
- of this fucking city for good.
- Fuck out of this, yes.
- Fucking new start.
- But, somebody, I don't wanna say who,
but she smells
like vomit and radishes,
- bailed and fucked up the plan.
- I didn't fuck up shit.
You're the fuck up.
I make shit happen.
- You made me get hit by a car.
- You made you get hit by a car.
So, now we need
98 bucks for bus fare.
- Yeah, can we borrow 98 bucks?
- Ah, don't sit there.
- Why, what's wrong?
- You're not wearing pants.
Oh, you noticed.
can I just say something?
you will never have $98.
If you magically
managed to make two dollars,
you would immediately
drink it away
and be left with zero dollars.
What kind of drink
can you buy with two dollars.
Grain, Ides, T-Bird,
Night Train, Ripple,
Two Buck Chuck. Ooh,
yeah I'd probably get that Two Buck Chuck.
But the most fucked up part of
your whole stupid fucking plan,
is in order for it to work, you would
actually have to help somebody else.
Be part of team.
Be relied on for shit.
And that,
that's science fiction.
In fact, I am so sure this isn't
gonna happen, I'll you what.
For every dollar you two
mamo's make, I'll match it.
What? Oh, that is a deal.
That is a deal.
Gentleman's agreement
that I want in writing.
what's this bullshit?
Now, we only have to make
half as much.
What? That makes it,
like, twice as easy.
Hey, Rummy,
you heard this right?
Yeah, Kevin's gonna build a house
for all the cats to live in.
- Witness.
- Hmm, yeah.
Oh, I'm gonna make you
regret that napkin.
I'm gonna make you
fuck that napkin.
- Prepare to get fucked, buddy.
- OK, I will prepare for that.
You do that 'cause
we're gonna fuck you.
Yeah, we're gonna fuck you right
where you live, right in your bar.
You're just saying things you
see, I can do that, too.
Fire hydrant. Muffler.
Yeah, this is a flimsy one.
OK. OK, you stay
on lookout, all right?
Excuse me!
- Person.
- Excuse me.
I don't even know
what you're talking about, so...
Are you trying
to steal a bike?
Ah, I'm out for
a Sunday stroll.
- It's Tuesday.
- Nerd.
All right, you know what?
I'm gonna have to
ask you and your girlfriend
to leave.
I am not his girlfriend.
Whatever, you're trespassing.
How do you know
that we're not students here?
- Are you students?
- Yes.
What are you studying?
- School finance repair.
- Art.
So, what's with the hack saw?
I'm fixing my deck.
- You have a deck?
- I don't care for your tone.
Yes, I have a deck.
It is attached to my
house on the beach,
which is where we were
strolling to, to the beach.
You live in The Beeches
and you're gonna
walk there from here?
The beach, actually.
That's what you call it
when you live there.
You call it the beach,
that's how I know
you're not from there 'cause you
just called it The Beeches,
so, you wouldn't know,
you wouldn't know
where my deck is at.
Is she supposed to go in there?
- I gave you the cue.
- You ran away!
That was the cue!
- Running away was the cue?
- Person.
You are the worst
at everything.
How's that bike lock coming?
It's coming.
- Person.
- Ah, fuck this bike lock!
Goddammit, it's like black
kryptonite, it's impossible.
Well, maybe if you
didn't have booze muscles.
They should make the
whole bike out of this stuff
and then that way bike theft
would cease to exist.
You'd still have
to lock the bike.
I know,
I knew it when I said it
that it was stupid...
I'm just saying, you know,
it'd be easier for me to
actually saw through the bike
than it would be for me
to saw through the, the...
Forty-nine bucks.
First of all, you stole this.
Forty-eight bucks.
Second of all, it's useless.
This shit is ten-speed man.
Six bucks.
Was a 10 speed, now it's just a
bunch of metal and rubber.
Oh, what, come on.
No, look, this,
there's still, like,
six, seven speeds in here.
Forty-nine bucks and a hand job.
I'll give you a hand job,
let's go.
Please leave my store.
Hey, Kev,
can I have a drink, man?
- It's been a long day.
- Sure, five bucks.
Come on,
just one whiskey sour.
One, one, one whiskey sour.
Just one... just one...
Just a rum and coke, rum and coke.
Just give me one of whatever
no one drinks around here.
Just give me the Tia Maria
and the vermouth
with a melon liqueur, rocks.
Do you have any Tylenol...
You know what I did today, while you
two chuckle heads were out being stupid?
I was here.
Like I always am.
That was my day.
I don't get to run around having
stinky fucking adventures.
I can't even sit around
playing guitar.
Whoa, whoa, play guitar?
I can't even go to the movies.
I can't have a fucking
second to live
because my brother is a selfish,
do nothing, piece of shit.
You don't even know
how to play guitar.
Wow, exactly, Owen, exactly.
You don't even own a guitar.
Hey, whoa, hey, hey, hey.
What you doing with that?
- That's mine.
- This is garbage.
No, no, no.
I've got plans for that.
I'm gonna do...
I'm gonna do stuff with it.
You have plans for this?
- Big plans.
- Big plans.
Fuck it!
Oh, hey, look,
I got a tip, whoo!
What's with cranky?
I don't know,
he's mad 'cause he sucks
at playing guitar
or something?
It's this fucking city.
I'm telling you, it drives you crazy.
I know,
we gotta get out of here.
Look, we gotta brainstorm.
You know what that is?
You know about brainstorming?
It's when I say something,
it gives you an idea
and then you say something back
to me that gives me an idea,
and I give something to you, and then we just
go back and forth and back and forth like that
until we have
a perfect master plan, OK?
I'm gonna start.
Dumbass. No wait, prison.
OK. Look, well,
you think of something then.
You're a hooker, I thought you
guys were supposed to be crafty.
Why don't I just fuck a guy
and charge him 49 bucks?
- I'm taking these.
- Uh, no.
Look, if we learned anything
it's that no grown man
wants to do anything
to any part of you.
No grown man.
No, you can't do that,
you can't just say
what I say back at me,
that's not,
that's shitty brainstorming.
Who needs to have sex
worse than anyone else?
Yeah, I'm gonna fuck a panda,
that's my plan.
Come on, genius, let's go.
You can brainstorm on the way.
Hey, dorks.
What you doing, playing cards?
Um, yeah, Mystic cards.
This is Lady Saint Martha--
Cool, so you know how your dicks have
never touched a real live woman before?
Tucking your boners into
your waistbands and what not?
Well, Lacie here is
a real live street whore.
Yeah, I touch sad little dicks
like yours for a living.
Oh, I like the sound
of this pause.
Let's talk numbers.
Wait, just start
from the beginning.
Twenty. Ten.
- That's 30.
Thirty-five, 40, 45, 46.
Forty-nine bucks!
Dicks out, dweebs,
let's get you all in a row.
I'll leave it to you
to decide who gets to go first.
I don't know thumb war,
Yeah, we wanna go
at the same time.
I hate to break it to you boys,
I only got two paws.
Yeah, don't look at me fellas.
Yeah, no,
we want a gang bang.
- I'm sorry.
- What?
With the both of you.
- I'm sorry?
- What?
I told you we'd be
needing these someday.
- Yes.
- Are you guys shaved?
- I prefer shaved.
- Can I have mouths?
I want her
to look like she's 12.
- Eh.
- Jesus.
- What? I'm only 13.
- Are condoms compulsory?
Are you guys
cool with blindfolds?
Not for the whole time.
I like eye contact.
What if I'm just doing mouths?
Ah, OK, I can offer you
like a crick of my elbow.
- I think that we're straying from the original plan.
- One of these guys...
She's winterized right?
We walk right now
if she's not winterized.
I'll pay you 20 more bucks
if you take a Bluto pie.
What the fuck
is a Bluto pie?
What the fuck is winterized?
What is that? What is that?
It's a musical chair.
Like, musical chairs?
No, musical chair.
One of you lies
face down on the ground
and the four of us
walk around you.
- When the music stops.
- Can I talk to you for a second?
- Just a second kids.
- Wait.
Listen, I apologize
for my friends.
I know it's probably
against the rules,
but would it be
terribly untoward
if I kissed you
on the mouth?
What the hell?
Is she backing out?
No, no, I think she's...
She's just, um, she's getting
limber before the...
You guys take gym class,
We had a deal.
Yeah, no, we still,
I'm gonna, um...
I'm gonna get you a few of
those wizard cards you like,
or I'm gonna hook you guys
up with those.
You guys wanna learn
how to smoke some cigarettes?
OK, hey, hey...
You know what
your problem is?
I got a dick on my face?
- Oh, wait.
- This, this is the problem.
See, that's why those kids
disrespected you
because they can see you.
They see... they see this.
But if we could find a way
for you to touch
the dicks of the people
without the people seeing you,
seeing this, then I think...
Oh, yeah, I think then
we'd really have something.
We eat at all
the finest places
I met you at the door
Of a record store
I knew you'd be mine
Because you look so fine
I didn't think your love
Could've hurt me so bad
Rummy, my man, what is up?
Hey, Owen, I'm just, I'm worried
that if I eat this...
I might lose my foot.
Let me ask you something,
when was the last time
you were laid?
You know, it's hard...
to find the right girl.
Oh, I know. I know, man.
I have very particular,
particular tastes.
Like what?
- Jesus fuck.
- Will you relax?
You're not gonna have
to see any of that,
you're gonna be on
the other side of a door.
You know, this could be
a glory hole situation
for the both of you.
Rummy's penis, it could be
the penis of James Bond.
Which reminds me,
Rummy thinks you're a big,
fat black lady so...
How does that sentence end?
Just, you know...
If he wants you to...
I don't know.
I'm behind a door,
what do you want me to do?
Just, if he would like you
to talk or something then--
What? You want me
to sing a church hymn?
No, that's racist.
OK, just like, maybe don't
take any shit, or...
- Don't make me do an impression.
- I won't.
Anyway, he doesn't
wanna talk, OK.
He wants to...
Jesus Christ, do you even know
- how glory holes work?
- Yes, I know glory holes work.
I'm the glory hole expert.
I built the glory hole.
Oh, OK,
you cut a hole in a door.
- It doesn't make you Bob Vila.
- There's a lot more to it.
You've gotta put a duct thing in
and you've gotta sand it...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- ...with the measurements.
you put your dick in a hole.
I don't wanna talk about
the intricacies
of carpentry with you.
- Hey, Rummy!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Here we go, man.
You guys
are really getting along
like a bag of shit on fire.
Quite the duo,
a couple of Garfunkels.
Hey, let me ask you something,
what are you gonna do
when you fuck it all up?
'Cause... mark that day on your
calendar, it's gonna happen.
The sky's blue, water's wet,
Garfield hates Monday's
and you fuck shit up.
So, when that happens, is your
shiny new partner gonna man up
or is he gonna pussy out?
Just so you know, we're here
for you if you ever need us.
Huh, all right?
- Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
- There she is.
- This takes me back.
- Hmm, back to what?
First woman I was ever with
was a large, black woman.
Well, that is what I got here.
First woman I ever loved.
I was 19 and she was...
68, 70, I don't know.
Her skin was so
fucking loose.
Mm, OK that's--
I was on a school trip
to Buffalo,
and I accidentally went
into the wrong bathroom
at Dairy Queen and then--
You know, it's rude
to keep a lady waiting,
Rummy, so...
Oh, yeah, sure, sure.
I'm nothing
if I'm not a gentleman.
The money.
Dost thou take me
for a rube, sir?
I think your hole is broken.
Lacie. Lacie!
Did you bring me juice?
Oh, what the fuck?
Did you take something?
- Who gave you pills?
- Paulie!
Paulie was in a pinch
and he couldn't open
so, he took a cough wrench
and he left it in his shoulder
and then he farted on his dick.
Farted on his dick.
Paulie rhymes with Molly,
Molly rhymes with jolly,
I'm not jolly,
just kidding, I'm so sad.
Please, don't fucking do this.
We're so close, please, just two minutes,
just wake up for two minutes.
Wake up, wake.
Oh, my God.
OK, OK, look...
We're gonna,
we're gonna go on a trip.
- Trip?
- We're gonna go on a little trip,
- just a little trip, OK.
- Juice?
Yeah, juice.
OK, one, two, three.
Anybody home?
Do you want
the 20 bucks or not?
I felt something.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, cuddle bug.
Oh, yeah.
OK, talk to me now,
big momma.
Talk to me.
Come on, come on.
I need to hear you.
I need to hear you, momma.
Say something.
Say something.
Amazing grace
Look at you.
Oh, come on. Come on.
Share with me
your tale of glory.
How did you win the day,
Ooh, I know it's gonna be
an uplifting story.
Go on, regale me.
How did you make
this money, hmm?
Have you...?
Have you been pimping Lacie?
No, no, I mean I just--
No, no, no, no, I... I...
That's you.
That's how you sound,
you idiot.
No, I'm kidding man.
That's cool.
You like to stick to the
shadows, is that the idea?
You know, most pimps,
they kinda like to flaunt it.
But not you. Keep your cards
close to your vest, that's cool.
Hey, down low, shadow pimp.
Come on.
I can't give fives, motherfucker.
What is wrong with you?
Have you been pimping
what's mine from the shadows?
Lacie has come back to me
once before.
And she's gonna
keep coming back.
I'm like Baked Lays,
you can't quit this shit.
Yeah, 'cause you keep giving her
pills and telling her she's worthless.
No matter what you do,
Lacie is always gonna need me,
more than she needs you.
You know what,
let me ask you something.
You've always been such a
perfectly good sorry ass drunk,
why do you two
all of sudden think
you should be
something that you're not?
I mean, is Lacie really
worth all this shit?
That's why you'll never
be a real pimp.
'Cause a real pimp would've
stood up for his lady.
You still got
some dick on your face.
Ah, no.
Ah, now I'm making it worse.
- All right, enough shit!
- You know what, fuck this place!
- Tomorrow.
- Shit, yeah.
Why are we here?
This place is like
the fucking Thunderdome.
We need see this.
This is how
normal people do it.
How much do you make a day?
I don't know,
maybe ten, 20 bucks
before I get
chased off by the cops.
On a good day 40 or 50.
You make 50 bucks...
a day?
- All you do is sit there?
- And look sad, yeah.
You just sit there, you look sad
and shitty people give you money.
- Yep.
- Fifty bucks?
Give or take, yeah.
Go, go, go, go!
Look, look, look.
These are toonies.
That's like 15 bucks
in coins, easy.
Holy shit.
You know, looties and toonies
are really revolutionary to me.
Oh, shit!
- Hey, Kev, do you think maybe--
- No.
You gave her a drink.
I made her a Shirley Temple,
as a joke.
Joke's on you,
Shirley Temple's are delicious.
Nobody hangs onto their money
tighter than a hobo,
you need to steal from
old people or the sick.
Nah, I don't like
touching them though.
I don't mean sick,
like, contagious.
- Well, I mean old people.
- Ugh, yeah, gross.
Hey, Chablis, how about you don't waste
your time with that piece of shit? Hmm?
Wheel your fine self over here
and help me finish this sudoku.
You know what you need,
like, one of those people, with a...
like in a chair, or walks with a cane...
not retarded.
what do you call yourself?
- Paul. And I was the victim of a drunk drive--
- Handy cripple.
That's it.
Oh, here's an idea.
Why don't you guys just,
I don't know, not steal.
What's wrong
with your brother?
I don't know,
he's got morals.
No, like,
what's wrong with him?
Hey, Kevin,
what's wrong with you?
Oh, I'm fine.
I just need a little bit
more coffee, that's it.
Is that the pipe water
No, no, not anymore,
I found a paint can.
Mm-hmm, did you clean it
before you put it back?
I need another one!
Sure thing, buddy.
Where were you?
I was looking everywhere.
- Right here.
- Can I get another drink?
Yep, finished.
Coming right up.
Let me get you
that drink, Rummy.
No, don't touch that bar.
I'm just trying... You're...
You take a load off, I wanna be his
friend, I wanna be your friend,
I wanna be everyone's friend
for a second.
- Just wanna be friends.
- My bar.
I'll do it.
- Rummy, go grab a drink.
- OK.
You're letting Rummy behind?
He's been a drunk
way longer than me.
Rummy is trustworthy.
He's not gonna fucking fuck me,
or skim the till or steal shit.
All right, next to you, Rummy
is motherfucking Theresa.
Hey, guys, what are these?
Can I get a mojito?
Why, yes, good sir.
- Go.
- Hey, I am gonna hook you right up, buddy.
- Pardon me, Rummy.
- Yep.
Do do do do do
So, let me ask you,
would you like mint leaves
or mint syrup?
- Mint leaves is fine.
- That's a figure of speech,
what do you think this is
the fucking Hilton?
- Ah...
- Ah.
I got my eye on you.
How do you wanna do this?
How do I not wanna do this?
Hey, no, no, no.
You got me, man.
You got me.
Look, here it is, here it is.
I'm putting it right down, OK?
You're um...
Pretty not terrible,
scamming those drinks like that.
Oh, well, yeah.
You weren't so awful yourself.
You know, fucking up
all the orders and...
OK... 24, 24 bucks.
I've got 24 bucks.
Twenty-four, that's it?
What do you mean that's it?
What did you make?
- Nineteen.
- That's it?
He was watching me more,
he knows that you're too dumb
to get away with anything.
I made like twice
as much as you.
You did not make twice
as much as me!
- Are you holding out?
- No are you?
- No.
- Are you lying?
- No, are you?
- No!
Forty-three bucks, OK.
Forty-three bucks,
we got 43 bucks.
We're six, six bucks short.
Eye in the sky, bitches.
I'm like Google Maps.
- You're delirious, Kev.
- You're hallucinating.
I heard the whole conversation,
I've been in this stall this whole time.
You were standing the door the
whole time? That's creepy, man.
I heard you,
I fucking heard you!
Ah! Fuck, man!
I knew you were gonna break.
Both of you, give me back
the $43 that you stole from me.
And, Lacie, way to pay me back
for saving your life, fuck you.
And, Owen...
I give up, man,
you're not my brother anymore.
You just take, and you take,
and you don't give a shit, man.
You're just a fuck up.
I give you a chance
and you fuck it up.
And that's why I don't stoop and fall
for thinking that people can change.
There's no more chances.
Get out of my bar.
Get out of my life.
Best of luck.
Oh, yeah, and fuck you.
What's wrong with you?
I'm a fuck up, remember?
Well, if you're doing that thing
were you insult yourself
to get me to disagree with you
it's not gonna work,
because I do think
you're a fuck up.
Shit, you're even
fucking that up.
It's too late
to buy wine you dumbass,
all the liquor stores
are closed.
Hey, how do you even
have money for wine, huh?
- You were holding out on me.
- Oh, god.
Hey, hey, hey, fuck!
In fact, how are you
gonna get a cab
if you don't have any money?
I'm not holding out on you.
What are you gonna do?
You gonna stiff him?
Yeah, OK.
You don't even the sack.
I swear to God, if you're
fucking holding out on me
- I'm gonna fight you so hard.
- Oh, you're gonna fight me,
you're gonna fight me?
You're gonna...
All you do is fight and run,
and fight and run,
it's your whole skillset!
Fighting and running
and piss poor hand jobs!
Yeah, well, at least
I do something!
What do your booze brains
bring to the table, huh?
Unless you count being
a pussy ass fuck up.
You're the runner.
Pussy ass you.
You're the least valuable
player here, LVP.
Yeah, well, you'd run, too, if your
weren't too fucking dumb to think about it.
And it's not called
being a pussy ass.
It's called not taking any shit.
Try it some time.
Not taking any shit?
All there is, is shit!
You wouldn't last
five minutes without me.
You were nothing
before I showed up,
you're just a sad sack
rotting on a back-room mattress.
Well, what am I now?
I'm a crazy person,
screaming in the street.
Yeah, upgrade!
You need me!
Best joke ever!
I need you.
OK. Fuck!
I hate this city!
You know why else you need me?
Hey, hey, hey.
Do do do do
do do do do
Oh, hi.
Are you just gonna
stand there and look stupid?
Oh, yeah, you're you.
So, where are you
two lovebirds heading?
- No, no, we're not lovebirds.
- No!
OK, I didn't mean to pry.
Where are you off to?
Um... Brockville.
Is that near Cabbage town?
Uh, no it's not a street,
it's a town.
It's on the way to Ottawa.
Oh, I'm sorry,
I can't go past the GTA.
So what now, Doctor Professor?
- Give me your money asshole!
- What the fuck?
Sir, that's not funny.
No, no, yeah,
I'm not making jokes.
- Give me your money.
- No, no, no.
I... I am not with him.
Can you please put
your curly knife away, sir?
He's not gonna give you
any fucking money!
Yes, he is gonna
give me his money.
No, I'm not gonna
give you any money.
Why do you think they have
this plastic fucking wall here?
I'm gonna stab
the fuck through it.
Sir, you cannot stab
through the glass.
You don't think
I'm gonna do it?
- I just... you can't...
- You don't think I'm gonna do it?
It's not a challenge, sir,
I'm not daring you.
Just please do not stab
through the glass.
- What the fuck?!
- Sir, sir, sir...
What the fuck?!
When did you guys
put plastic in here?
It's new, actually, we just started
putting it into all the cars.
- Of course you did.
- So where am I going, sir?
I just want to get the fuck out
of this fucking city.
I can't leave the GTA, sir.
I know, I know
you can't, man.
- Dude, how are you this dumb?
- I don't know.
Just pull over anywhere, OK?
Just pull...
Here is good.
Buddy... Pull over anywhere,
we'll just get,
we'll get out of your hair.
Beardy man.
Anywhere you wanna pull over,
Oh, this is... great.
That's $9.25, please.
That's $9.25, please.
Yeah, I don't know
how this was unclear.
We don't have any money.
Yeah, um, he just tried
to fucking rob you.
Connect the dots, dude.
Not paying is the same as
robbing, so it's $9.25 or prison.
- No, no, no, no, no!
- No, no, no, no, no.
- Please, do not do this.
- Just let us out of the car.
Just fucking let me
out of the car.
I don't know him.
I'll give you a hand job.
- You are clearly with him.
- No. No, not even a little bit.
- You're clearly with him.
- Not even a little bit, I don't even know--
Who you trying to kid?
You're clearly together.
I will give you a fucking hand job,
man, just let me out of the car.
I'm not interested in your
hand job, it's money or prison.
We don't have any
fucking money, man!
The only reason
I'm giving you a chance here
is because I'm taking
pity on you.
Now, you can pay me $9.25
or you can go to jail.
You have 15 seconds
to decide.
What? No!
Let me the fuck out of here!
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
And she calls me
a fucking pussy.
Ow, ow, ow, ow!
I... fucking you hate you!
- I fucking hate you, too!
- Good!
I hope you're the guy
that they rape fuck in prison!
I'm sure I will be!
Time's up,
what have you decided?
Oh, fuck.
Here's five bucks, OK.
You did hold out on me.
- It's $9.25.
- What?
Nine dollars
and 25 cents please.
No, look, that's all
the money we have, man.
- I swear.
- Nine dollars and 25 cents or jail.
- OK.
- No, no, OK...
Hey, look at that,
you both had money.
Seventy-five cent tip
which is not quite 10%,
which is about what
I would expect from you, so...
Maybe I was wrong,
maybe you're not together.
So, I guess this is
fuck you for good then.
Fuck you, I guess.
Fuck you, too.
The hardest part of living
For a fool like me
Is a loving a woman
From a thousand miles
across the sea
Whether she's still waiting
Oh, baby, I'll never know
Oh, will she still love me
Or want me to go?
The hardest part of living
What the fuck
are you looking at?
In such goddamn misery
My darling, baby
I'm missing
your tender touch
Won't you come on now,
Tell me you love me much
Hey, looking for someone?
No, what, no, who? No.
Look at you being all stealthy.
Sneaking around like
a little Carmen Sandiego.
I just...
need to use the bathroom.
OK, I smell like
a Chinese food dumpster.
Yeah, any port
in a storm, right?
Hey, hey, whoa, easy.
We both know why
you're here, right?
Somebody needs
her vitamins, right?
Don't worry, these little babies
are gonna pick you up,
they're gonna dust you off
and gonna set you right as rain.
Yeah, gotta let the world
be your oyster,
and you are the motherfucking
oyster shucker, right?
As soon as
I fucking get this open,
then you can fucking shuck the
whole world like your oyster.
You're gonna have to do that.
I'm good.
You're good? Huh?
Is that... Is that what
you just said to me?
You're good?
What I meant to say
was fuck you,
you drunk driving motherfucker.
The only reason that you shake
is because you're scared
that people will find out
that you are a piece of shit.
Well, guess what,
you are a piece of shit.
You piece of shit
and fuck you.
- Let go!
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
It's all right,
it's all right, it's OK...
Come on, come on,
just sit down, all right.
See, you're not gonna hit me.
Are you?
'Cause you know that I'm all
you've got in the world.
OK. Maybe I've been
too hard on you,
I will concede that.
But let's just put
all that behind us, you know.
Like, bygones under the bridge
and all that shit, right?
It's time to recognize we've
gotta get the band back together.
Here we go.
Now, let momma bird feed her young.
Good. There.
No, no, it's not breaking and
entering, if it's my mattress!
- Paulie, what the hell?
- Turn around, all right.
Can't you see we're in
a rebuilding phase here?
Jesus Christ, man,
leave her alone.
Be somewhere else.
what don't you understand?
I will carve a doodle
in your face
and it will be by accident,
all right?
I'm... I'm sorry, what the fuck
are you looking at?
Oh, yeah, there you go.
Slink away,
you pussy-ass piece of shit.
Fucking Eeyore
looking motherfucker.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Oh, God.
One second, one second,
one second, one second...
Wait, wait, wait.
- I thought you ran off.
- Came back.
It's not every day I get
to see you not be a pussy.
All right, Paul, you need to...
Fuck, Jesus.
Oh, fuck.
Oh! Oh, fuck is something
to know about.
What do you wanna do
with this fuck face?
I don't know. I mean,
we've got a corkscrew.
- Oh, yeah.
- Hacksaw.
Oh, thank God.
Go, go, go, pow,
sick these fuckers, get 'em.
Fuck 'em up.
Can I get a white Russian,
Yes, yes, you may.
Fuck, can you fucking...
Hey, hey.
You will never fuck with anyone
in this bar again.
You will never carry
that knife ever again.
And you will never touch
Lacie ever again.
I can't really control
my touches, so...
Oh, fuck, fuck, OK, OK, OK,
no more bad touches.
And another thing...
This here is my golden chap.
This here is my
golden handshake.
That's it?
You're not gonna claw my face
or bash my balls in
or anything like that?
- Nope.
- Really?
All right,
wait, wait, wait, please.
Just give me,
just let me say this, all right.
I know that I tried too hard,
that's always been my problem,
but, you know
maybe it's because...
I'm scared that people
aren't gonna like me--
- Get your shit together.
- Thank you, all right.
That's fair.
How you doing, you all right?
No, I smell like
a garbage truck.
- OK.
- Wow!
You kind of did something
for someone else there.
I'm proud of you, brother.
Fifty bucks!
- Fifty bucks.
- Told you I'd make you fuck that napkin, bro.
Oh, fuck you, for real?
You're gonna hold me to that?
Uh, hold you to a promise
you made your brother, yeah.
No, no, don't do that.
Don't emphasize promise and brother
like it means something
to you.
Look, you wanted me gone.
This is... now you got it,
this is your going away gift.
My going gift is you leaving
and me paying for half?
You're welcome.
That... fuck you,
that doesn't
make any fucking sense.
Owen, I only said that I...
You know what, fine, go.
You wanna go, fucking go, get out of
my fucking bar, you fucking prick.
I hope your bus flips
and you fucking die.
You know, this is like,
this is like having a cyst removed.
This is like having
a skin tag burned off.
This is like being born a
hunchback and the doctor saying,
"Kevin, guess what,
we cured that shit.
Here you go, hump gone."
"What, I don't have
to walk around
with this fucking lump
on my back anymore?"
"Nope, that's gone,
that'll be 50 bucks."
Well, that's a fucking deal.
That is a fucking bargain.
That's the best money
I've ever spent.
So, good fucking riddance.
We've gotta have
a goodbye drink.
Kev, I'm buying.
I'm buying a round.
No, I'm buying.
- Wow.
- Nothing but the best.
To new starts.
What the fuck is that?
Some asshole replaced it
with soda pop.
Gonna miss you.
I tell you, I am not gonna
miss this fucking city.
Man, all the honking
and hustling,
I don't care how gross
that house is.
All the fucking cat shit is
better than this fucking place.
Fuck you, city!
'Cause I know I'm done here
Hey, give me the money
for a second.
Over my dead murdered body.
No, look,
I just wanna a toonie.
All right, it's a hundred bucks
in there,
we've got two bucks extra.
I just want a toonie,
that's it,
just give me... a toonie.
- OK, just give me...
- Wait, no, fuck you back on.
I know what you want, Boozy,
half this fucking toonie is mine.
I don't want to buy booze
with the toonie, asshole.
I just wanna go and I just
wanna do something real quick.
Besides you ever been drunk on a bus?
It's the fucking worst.
This time
Won't leave all this behind
Yeah, I won't leave
all this behind
Leave all this behind
Oh, man, thanks so much,
that's great.
Whoa, whoa,
what are you doing?
I'm saved
Right on time
I looked up
to the Lord above
And I finally
see some light
I'm saved
May I have some wine?
It's been
a long lonely road
And I'll leave it
all behind
Save me
What time is it?
Let me just check
my Casio here...
How the fuck should I know?
Your made-up watch
is a Casio?
Way to dream big.
Fuck you.
Yeah, fuck you, too.
It's 12:30.
We leave in 20 minutes.
OK. Yeah, OK,
that's... soon.
Yeah, I mean, good, right?
I mean,
I hate waiting for stuff.
Yeah, me too.
Leave this shithole behind.
- New start.
- Yeah, everything different.
- Different everything.
- Sorry, excuse us.
- Hi.
- Hi, yeah we're sorry to bother you.
We're looking for Union Station,
but we got confused.
- We're late for our train.
- You see this a bus station,
but apparently the trains
go into Union Station, I guess.
Could you show us
where that is on the map?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, sure thing, guys.
OK, you're right here on the corner of
fuck you and figure it out yourself.
Oh, yeah, and you know what else you
should check out while you're in town?
It's called the brain clinic, so you can
figure out how fucking stupid you are.
You can't read
a fucking map.
Yeah, also, check out the
shoe museum while you're here.
- Why the shoe museum?
- 'Cause it's for fucking losers!
- Jesus Christ!
- Oh.
I'm sorry.
No, you know what,
forget it.
Don't worry about it.
You and this city
deserve each other.
- Way to represent.
- Oh, OK, yeah, yeah.
- We deserve each other.
- Fuck you.
Way to represent.
Fucking we deserve each other,
what does that even mean?
Represent what?
Represent getting
the fuck out of here, baby.
I'll fucking represent
these nuts.
You know what?
That is just unbelievable.
You know what, fuck this.
- Hey.
- Hey, hey, map guys.
We're gonna help you
with your stupid problem.
Come on, we'll show you
where to go, we promise.
- Yeah, yeah.
- We promise, we're not gonna bite.
- OK, thank you.
- OK.
Right, you're here.
You wanna go down
to Bay and Front,
- that's it, home free.
- Bam. Bam.
- Oh, thank you so much.
- Amazing!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- You two are amazing,
good luck in all
your future endeavors.
- Take care.
- Bye.
We showed them.
- Who showed who?
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah. OK.
- OK.
Two tickets
to Brockville, please?
Ninety-eight bucks, right?
Uh, yes, that's correct.
do you have the envelope?
- I... No, I don't...
- I don't have it.
- So, obviously--
- Are you fucking serious?
- Sir.
- Don't, no...
No, no, no, I must have given it to
you, I must have given it to you.
- What do you mean?
- I must have given it...
No, you said I was too stupid
to carry it, remember?
- You said over your dead little body, you said.
- Yeah, no, I don't have it.
- I don't have it.
- You just had it!
I don't have it now!
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Those dumb tourists, fuck.
When... when we were
showing them the map.
Sir, could you and your
girlfriend please step aside
so that I'll be available
to assist people
who are actually
going somewhere.
- You dumb fuck.
- Oh, like you sniffed out them.
- Stupid dumb fuck.
- OK, I'm stupid and dumb.
That's a real one-two punch.
Oh, what about
the one-two punch
of me punching you
and then punching you again?
Oh, now you're a rough houser?
Wow, you throw one half a bike,
at one guy, one time!
- To save you!
- You didn't save shit!
You are shit.
I knew it the moment that
you stiffed me on that hand job.
You stiffed me
on that hand job!
Oh, OK, yeah, my poor penis,
my poor little penis.
You are the least valuable
player here, LVP!
No, LVP you! I am the hustler,
you are the fuck up.
You are the weak link,
I am the brains.
You know what, those losers
were right about you,
you belong to this city
'cause you're both assholes.
Me? You should marry
this shit suck city,
you're perfect for each other!
- You know what, fuck you!
- Fuck you, you!
OK, OK, ready, go.
- Dog-napping.
- You're an idiot.
Oops, no wait,
that's three words,
does that mess up
the brainstorming?
I'm just saying
rich people have dogs,
you take one
and you leave a note.
What are you guys
talking about?
Oh, we're gonna buy
the bar popcorn machine,
it's gonna solve
all our problems.
We can't afford
a popcorn machine.
Duh, that's why
we're stealing a dog.
Wait, how we will know
where to send the ransom note?
Ooh, right, OK,
so we leave the note.
How will they contact us?
You could get a PO box.
Yes, Kevin coming through
with the big ideas.
I love it. That's totally
what we're gonna do,
we're getting ourselves
a PO box, done, bam.
Except you can't afford one
and you don't know what it is.
What about a meat truck?
I like...
well, I need more information.
I see one everyday
down the street at the butchers.
When the guy goes in
to make his delivery,
we just sneak right in there
and steal a side of beef.
Wait, who is gonna buy
a side of beef?
How much?
- Twenty bucks.
- Yeah, I'd buy that.
See, Cerebral would buy it.
I mean, Paul.
Thank you.
Can you top up
my White Russian, Kevin?
I'll get it.
Lacie'll get it.
You know who's really
asking for it?
You know that black kid
selling chocolate almonds.
He's gotta have, like,
50 bucks on him.
Oh, down on... Sherborne.
- Yeah, yeah.
- That kid's a shark.
We could do that map scam?
Pretend that we're tourists.
Nobody'd believe it.
Undertaker, take me under
How about we charge
people to enter the public pool?
Oh, yeah,
'cause they think...
They won't know
that it's not free.
It just says public, it doesn't
say free, motherfucker.
Wait, we'll put on uniforms...
Undertake, take me under
oceans of oil
I'll be throwing a
thousand blades of grass
Through the soil
Even though we're all
gonna die here
You're my kind, dear
- But do we make the pierogi's?
- No, yeah, yeah,
we don't even have to put anything
in them that's the whole thing.
Well, then it's not a fucking
pierogi, it's a piece of dough.
Whoa, what the fuck?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Don't... don't touch me.
OK. "To whom it may concern,
Please take good care
of my precious little darling.
She is the light of my life,
I know you will
give her a better..."
Yeah, OK, buddy.
Yeah, cool, asshole.
Who are you?
Oh, yeah. OK, cool, bro,
yeah, go be fucking cute.
- Oh, fuck your cute face.
- You motherfucker. Goddamn you.
- You fucking cute-faced, bitch.
- You look at me...
- Don't... Stop, stop, stop!
- No, no, no, don't do that.
Goddammit, do not play me.
I play you now.
I love your fucking
stupid bitch face.
We're gonna fucking take of you,
see how you like that.
Oh, yeah, fuck your mom.
Undertaker, take me
under oceans of oil
I'll be throwing a
thousand blades of grass
Through the soil
Even though we're all
gonna die here
You're my kind, dear
Dandelion, blow my seed
out into the sun
I'll take the breeze
to bake sales to see everyone
Even though
we're all gonna die here
You're my kind, dear
Several billion people
living under the stars
Most you'll never meet
They'll never know
who you are
Even though they're all
gonna die here
You're their kind, dear
You're their kind, dear
You're their kind