The Godson (1998) Movie Script
[waves crashing]
[soft jazzy music]
[kissing]
[both moaning]
[chuckling]
[moaning]
[moaning]
[knife whooshes]
[stab]
- [both screaming]
- [tense music]
[upbeat rock music]
[gunfire]
- Forget about it.
- [guns cocking]
[gunshot]
[gunshot]
Sunny? Your fly...
Sunny, somebody's coming.
- [grunting, thud]
- [glass breaks]
[whistling sound]
Ohhh!
[thud]
[popping sound]
Sunny, tie your shoe!
[upbeat rock music]
I'm not paying for the room.
[thud]
[groans]
[yelling]
Sunny Calzone, you die!
- [Tracy Dick laughs]
- [car engine starts]
[tires screeching]
[grunts]
[thud]
[laughing]
Taxi, taxi!
- [mysterious music]
- [growling]
[thud]
[squeals]
[explosion]
[thud]
[screaming]
[thud]
[police sirens]
[Sunny's babe] Sunny,
Sunny, Sunny, tie your shoe...
Ohhh!
[thud]
[groans]
[sad music]
[jazz music]
[gunfire]
[Italian music]
[sobbing]
[Guppy] And that's how my life
got turned around forever.
My beloved older brother
Sunny, Sunny Calzone,
the heir to the Calzone famiglia,
was brutally murdered
by our enemies.
We was all there for the
sad event of his passing.
There was Bugsy...
Mama, Pop, also known
as the Oddfather
because he's my father and he's odd.
Sunny's girl...
[cashier sound]
And me, son number
three, Guiseppe Calzone.
But you can call me
Guppy, everyone does.
Shut up, Guiseppe.
Guiseppe, put a lid on it.
Guiseppe, shut up.
Well usually everyone does.
Ah, this certainly
is a grave occasion.
If you'll pardon the pun.
So then, ashes to
ashes, dust to dust,
Sunny got whacked,
and it's so unjust.
[camera shutters]
And thus it is, that we say
arrividerci to Sunny Calzone.
And it was Sunny who
warmed so many...
so many [clears throat] hearts...
[suspenseful music]
Please join me in
song as we remember.
I wish the Sunny
was shining today...
If Sunny were here everything
would be okay.
Sing along with me!
[all] I wish the Sunny
were shining today.
If Sunny were here
everything would be okay.
[all] If Sunny were here
everything would be okay.
[Father O'Connell] And now he's
gone and Sunny's dead and gone.
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
[Sunny] Hey!
[Father O'Connell] And we're
all here to cry and moan.
[all] And we're all
here to cry and moan.
[sobbing]
Take it easy. Take it easy,
will you. C'mon. Take it easy.
Hey!
[Oddfather] Take it easy.
[stones falling]
[Italian music]
It's a very sad day Don Calzone.
The Rodfather gives you
his deepest sympathies.
Well, ya know...
[indistinct mumbling]
[crying] Our number one son,
whacked with a shoelace.
Ah, the men who did this...
I curse them to hell
and beyond for eternity.
[thunder rumbles]
She's very upset.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I want you to meet
my number three son.
He's a good boy. A good boy.
[kiss]
You can call him Guppy.
Everyone does. Usually.
Nice to meet ya, Guppy.
[grunting] Mmmm, hand broken.
Mmmm...
Where's son number two?
We don't talk about son number two.
[mumbling]
[blows raspberry]
[whimsical music]
[bike bell dings]
[Guppy] This was my neighborhood.
[gunshots]
And this was the Calzone
compound, my home.
It didn't look like much from
the outside, but actually...
It was pretty nice.
But I had other
things to worry about.
Shocking as Sunny's death
was, I still didn't realize
just what it was
going to mean for me.
A huge challenge was about
to be put upon my shoulders.
A challenge that
would test me in ways...
- I never even thought of.
- [glasses clink]
I've been in love with you, Elaine,
ever since the first time I saw you
playing bass for your reggae band,
thumpin' out that Rasta beat.
And of all the fellas in
the audience that night...
- You picked me!
- [Elaine chuckles]
Elaine, it might be the champagne
talking, I don't know, but...
I think I'm going to...
I'm going to kiss you, Elaine.
[soft music]
[rattling]
Don't you ever knock, Bugsy. Hm?
Don't call me that!
Your father wants to
see you in the office.
Have you met, Elaine?
Don't judge me!
Baby...
Guppy's gotta go have a meeting.
- [whispers] You stay here.
- [kiss]
[chuckles]
[door opens]
Pop, Bugsy came in my room
without knocking again.
Silence!
We have more important
things to discuss.
This isn't about the
other night again, is it?
I just wanted to see what
pantyhose would look like on me.
- I don't care about that...
- [duck quacking]
I'm talking about the
future of this family.
Quiet down. Look at this.
Giving, giving, giving...
all the time.
Penelope, I'm very proud of you.
Alright, take a hike...
I got something to say to my son.
- [thud]
- Aw geez.
I'll tell you the truth, if
it wasn't for the eggs...
[whistles]
It's a crazy world we
live in, it's violent.
I keep trying to get out, but
they keep trying to pull me in.
- [stab]
- [Guppy] Oh, oh... Pop,
Oh... are you all right?
[groans]
- What was I saying?
- [duck quacks]
- Yeah, okay.
- [duck quacks]
Well now that Sunny is gone,
I want you to take over,
I want you to be the head...
I want you to be...
[echo] the Godson...
[heroic music]
Where the hell is that
music coming from?
Me? But, Pop...
Once the Calzone's were the biggest
syndicate in the whole world...
the whole wide world,
you understand?
But now with two sons dead
then we have grown weak.
We spent all our money on sex toys.
I've done some calculations,
and I have to tell you
that in six months,
where we're going,
we'll be bankrupt or we're
gonna be livin' in the streets.
Your mission is to
change the tide...
to save the Calzone family,
don't you understand?
We must focus our future.
Our future.
I don't know, Dad, this
is out of my league.
This is way too much.
I can't accept.
[quack]
If you don't I'm gonna take
this and put it some place
wherever time you dance
this is gonna hurt.
When do I start?
- [Oddfather] Now.
- Now?
You, lookin' at me?
You lookin' at me?
[Guppy] I was in a state of shock.
My whole life had just
been turned upside down.
What was I going to
do, I asked myself.
What am I gonna do?
I'm just not cut out to
be a mobster, you see?
I'm just not cut out to
be a mobster, you see?
Is there an echo in here?
[suspicious music]
[imitates gunfire]
[gunshot]
- [bullet ricochets]
- [glass breaks]
[thud, grunts]
I'll never be a gangster.
I'm a sissy. I'm gonna be a sissy.
Ya can't make a sissy
into a gangster.
[thump] I'll never be
as good as Sunny, never!
- [door opens]
- Oh.
- [knocking]
- Come in.
I was in the hall and I couldn't
help but hear you... ya know?
I don't know, Is it...
wait. C'mon over here.
Oh, Sunny... I miss him, too.
Look at those pictures.
[Italian music]
Oh Sunny, what a beautiful boy.
- [kiss]
- [groans]
We're gonna be so beautiful...
my boy.
- [thud]
- Oh I'm so sorry...
Oh, here come here.
Come, talk to me.
- [thud]
- Oh, Jesus.
Whatta my boy. I'm here for you.
You can help me become
a real mobster, Pop?
Yeah, that's what I meant when I
said I'm here for you, you know?
I have to tell you something...
you're my... you're my boy.
- [sobs]
- What's the matter?
- I think you're gonna hit me.
- I'm not gonna hit you.
What are you talkin' about?
I'm not gonna hit ya.
[thud] I can't help myself.
Ah, geez... it's the Italian way.
I'm expressing love,
don't you understand?
The first thing you have to do...
[grunts]
Is get off my foot.
- [gasps]
- [chuckles]
The second thing: you gotta
get some frickin' clothes.
You're not a bad lookin' kid.
You just need some
style, that's all.
A lot of style.
[sensual music]
- [car horn honks]
- [thud]
[grunts]
La, la, da, da, la...
Oh, monsieur, s'il vous plait.
Come on in... come on in... you're
going to look like a brand new man.
[chuckling]
Oooooh, you will see it.
[scissors whooshing, snipping]
Oh, no just joking... [laughs]
[upbeat rock music]
- [screams]
- Turn around. Oh!
Take it off.
Ah, the jolly green
giant's illegitimate son.
[chuckles]
[electric buzz]
Oh, what is this?
[laughing]
[whistling]
- Oh... What's that?
- What?
- What's that on your feet?
- [thud]
[salesman] They are the perfect
Scarfeet for you. There you go.
La Costra Nostra
always comes in here.
The grandson of Al
Capone came in here.
- This is nice.
- Ah... this is a...
This is a lighter.
Uh, oh...
Let me just... [choking]
Take a look, the material here
is made exactly from the pattern
and then this part came from
the caves of Zambia.
It's extremely sensitive.
Great for good shot.
- We're just gonna...
- [gunshot]
Oh God, oh, are you all right?
Oh no.
No don't shoot. Don't shoot the...
Dad...
Oddfather...
This is the most
wonderful day of my life.
- Yes!
- [thud]
Oh, geez.
[whimsical music]
[intriguing music]
Pop, you wanna know something?
I'm gonna be the best damn mobster
that ever walked this earth.
I'm gonna rebuild the family
up to its former glory.
[suspenseful music]
You want to know something else?
I'm gonna build up to new heights
that you never even dreamed of.
I'm gonna murder, I'm gonna pimp...
I'm gonna...
Steal candy from little kids
like nobody's ever done before.
- I'm gonna be the BEST!
- [thud, grunts]
I've been waitin' to hear this.
You can be a contender.
But you still got a lot to learn.
Woah... woah... [screams]
Free the bound periodicals! Free
the bound periodicals! [bell dings]
Free-- [thud]
[whimsical music]
[school bell ringing]
And don't just give it a light
tug, you've got to really pull.
[choking]
[gurgling]
See class... You've got to
really get in the joints
if you want a clean separation.
Otherwise, you're going
to be sawing all day.
[gasps]
There!
Pay attention people!
This is going to be on the test.
[gasping]
[retching, falls]
The biggest misconception is
that it's all in the arms.
But actually, it's all in the wrist.
[thud]
[thudding]
Good I think we've covered that.
Now class, I'm going to teach you...
Omerta. The Mafia law of silence.
[clock ticking]
I think we've covered that.
C'mon you dirty rat, you Lilly
livered fink. Where's the loot?
What're you the boss man?
Well you're not the boss of me, see?
You're nothing but a
double-crossing rat,
a Lilly livered
mama's boy flat butt.
What're you a tough guy?
How's about I take some sandpaper
and rub it on your genitals
till you cry like a two-dollar-whore
who broke a three-dollar nail?
Yeah.
[TV goes off]
Note his use of derogatory
monikers to his full.
For example he calls
him pigbreath. [chuckles]
Now on a internal level,
his emotional response
would perhaps be to feel
apprehensive, hopeless,
or even impotent in the face
of this dangerous situation.
To the viewer, however, and
more importantly to his enemies,
this man's Teflon exterior
remains seemingly unmalleable;
impervious to the peril.
Maybe he's sensitive class,
maybe he wants to cry, hum?
[chuckles]
Maybe he'd rather go home and
snuggle with his stuffed bunny,
but to do so would
mean certain death.
In sum, ladies and gentlemen,
what one needs to be a successful
employee of La Cosa Nostra
is an unshakable and
completely irrational
confidence in oneself.
[snoring]
Here, you try.
All right, then, you go ahead.
Come on, mister, leave me alone.
Who are you, Michael Jackson?
Come on!
Use a moniker of some
sort, pal, mug, pigbreath.
Do it again!
And just relax. Take a deep breath.
Back up, pigbreath! Or you'll
wake up breathing through a scab!
Better, but hardly
enough to really inspire
your average shakedown...
or intimidate.
Now class, disposing of a
body, chapter thirty-three,
you're going to see about lime.
- [thud]
- [professor] Lime. Basic components.
Shut up, pally.
Or I'm gonna take your diploma,
shove it up your ass and
nail it to your larynx.
- Yes!
- Yes?
- Yes, yes, yes!
- Yes, yes, yes!
- [all] Yes, yes!
- [clapping]
[laughing]
[whimsical music]
[intriguing music]
[Guppy] Now that I gotten
my bachelor's degree
in advance criminal science,
it was time to meet the
hard working men and women
of the Calzone crime family.
For years I'd wanted to meet them,
but I was always tied
up in the closet. [chuckles]
There was Carmen The Nose Chechea.
How ya doin'?
Tony The Lung Bananno.
He was tobacco lobbyist of course.
There was Jimmy The Wad Rialto.
I'm not sure where he got his name.
Everyone was there,
there was love in the air.
That's amore. [chuckles]
Hey, Amore.
I got to meet Veronica
Fuck You Tetranicci.
My Cousin Vinny.
Be sure to watch it.
It's a great flick.
It was beautiful.
These people didn't just
dream about drug-running,
savage and murder in a ritual
abuse of women, they lived it.
And now, I was one of them...
No, I was their leader.
For the first time in my
life, I was proud to be me.
[clicks]
Here ya go Mr. Wise fella,
Mr. Good Guy, you son of a bitch.
- Aw man.
- [device beeps]
So, Guppy, what do you
think of the family?
A bunch of wiseguys, huh?
Oh God, Father, they're good fellas.
[chuckles]
- [device beeping]
- [Guppy] This thing, ohh!
I was startin' to think
that being a Mafia chieftain
wasn't gonna be so bad after all.
No one had even
tried to kill me yet.
[beeping]
[explosion]
Wow what was that?
I don't know, but looks
pretty doesn't it?
- [Oddfather] Woah, woah...
- Very.
[tires screeching]
[printing]
[suspenseful music]
[man on speakerphone] Let
me make this clear, Angel,
if you want a career here in the
FBI you have to nail this cat.
I want to know his every move,
I want photos, I want reports.
I want to know every time he sits
down on the damn toilet, understand?
- But--
- The only but I want out of you,
Agent Hoover, is that
fuzzy little peach-like one
you hide under that skirt.
[laughs] Now get on it.
- Hoover?
- Yes, sir.
Don't screw up. The Director's
watching you on this one.
[hangs phone, disconnected tone]
[Chinese music]
[grunting]
You know something?
I'm very proud of you.
Now you've taken over.
[grunts]
Tomorrow you will meet all
the heads of all the families.
- Are you ready?
- I'm ready.
- [bones cracking]
- [Oddfather] Ah, see,
this is how I got Jake LaMotta.
I held him like this... till he
gave me all his tootsie rolls.
Yeah, I held him like this.
I never let him go. You know why?
'Cause he betrayed me.
[grunts]
Pop, whatever did happen to Frito?
[tense music]
I told you, I don't
wanna discuss that.
What could he have
done that was so bad?
He did the unthinkable,
he did the unimaginable,
he did the unforgivable.
He got a regular job.
[Frito] Red rum. Red rum.
Oh, my God. How could he?
[grunts]
Yeah well, I'll tell you the truth.
[gasps] It broke my heart.
[camera shutters]
[tense music]
They're all doing yoga, sir.
Yes, I know mobsters usually
don't do yoga, but, um...
well these ones are, sir.
- [man] Hoover, are you there?
- [Hoover] Shhh... sir,
hey, there's a strange
man here with a crossbow.
- [man] What?
- [grunts]
I'm afraid I've been hit sir.
Over and out.
[falls]
[Frito] Oops.
Mmmmm.
[sad music]
[Guppy] It was time for the annual
top secret shareholders meeting
of Murder, Incorporated.
I was gonna meet the most
powerful Dons in the country.
It was Don Juan De Marco.
I would love to get
to know you better.
Don Quijote. Don Ho. Don E--
Hey, forget about it.
Don King and Don Pardo.
I'd like to announce that
all guests are staying
at the Park Plaza Hotel.
Thank you.
Thank you, Don Pardo. Now beat it.
And finally I met him, the
most vile man in New York City.
The RODFATHER.
[mumbling]
[grunting]
Ah, Don Calzone.
I'm sorry to hear about
the death of your son.
[mumbling]
Ah, come on, speak up, will ya?
[mumbling]
Oh, that's better. Okay.
Okay, gentlemen.
I'm very happy that this
meeting is taking place.
And for the
conglomerations together.
And conjugating this way.
Especially that we're
doing it in peace,
it really makes my heart very happy.
Oh, eh, is this the
meeting of the Doms?
This is Dons, pal.
Doms are next week.
You wanna buy a book while I'm here?
- Pass.
- Your mother's ass.
[thudding]
[blows raspberry]
I appreciate your consolation
and your symphony.
Well listen, gentlemen, I
am old, I am frail and I am
losing control of my
bladder, big time.
Going down stairs is a bitch.
Therefore, my son Guppy,
here is going to take over
control of the Calzone family.
[all yelling] What...
Wait, wait, wait.
You will answer to him completely.
My son Guppy has all my condiments.
Is that clear? Thank you.
Good to see that everyone's here.
Now let's get down to business.
First of all... [screams] Oh shit.
[laughing]
[gunfire]
Ah man! Someone sabotaged my chair.
[laughing]
What the fuck?
I think I swallowed my toothpick.
Oh, it's wonderful
to meet you, Guppy.
Tell me, how long you
been outta the water?
[laughing]
Hey, Don King.
You look like you just
saw my wife naked.
[laughing]
A toast.
- L'chaim!
- [Don E. Brasco] Hey, forget about it.
[Guppy] And then I saw her.
The most beautiful Don of them all.
Don Na.
My friends are on the way.
I don't sit home and cry.
The most felonious babalonius
since Annette Funicello.
She was Juliet to my Romeo,
she was Delilah to my
Samson, Minnie to my Mickey.
Who is that goddess
gracing the stage?
She moves me.
I want her I want her I want her...
That my little forward
fish is my daughter!
In the most admirable way of course.
[chuckles]
I can buy my own perfume.
I can pick a rose or two.
If I need to cuddle
up, my pussycat will do.
Yes I'm happy you
don't love me anymore.
All right enough of that crap.
What are you bozos staring at?
[Rodfather] All right, sweetheart.
Come here.
I'm getting old too, my friends.
I'm going to be handing over
the reins of all my power
to my daughter here. Don Na.
[mic feedback]
Love me, or kiss my ass.
[Guppy] I knew by the
way she looked at me that
she was already in love with me.
Only problem was she was the
daughter of the rival famiglia.
The Sharks and the Jets.
The Montagues and the Caplets.
Greg and Marsha Brady.
Add another page to the agonized
history of star-crossed lovers.
I'm raising this glass in a
peace offering to Don Calzone.
Whaddya say we call a truce?
[gasping, mumbling]
You want peace? Peace it is.
[clapping]
I have to warn you,
if anybody puts their
hands on my son Guppy,
there will a be a
war, to end all wars.
- [Rodfather] A toast.
- [all cheering]
[glasses clink, clapping]
[chuckling]
Hey! [thud]
What's the idea with
the tongue there, jerky?
[mumbling to herself]
[Guppy] Well, that
certainly went well.
I was the chieftain,
the skipper, the king,
the big cheese, the head honcho.
I was the boss of the Mafia.
Ahhh, manga Bella.
Outta here?
- That's right, kiss my ring.
- [Oddfather snoring]
No, kiss it with respect.
- Mmmm.
- That's much better.
Very nice touch.
- [choking]
- Oh, Mama. Oh, Mama.
Are you choking? Are you choking?
Mama what should I do?
What should I do? Your stomach?
But if you're choking?
Oh, stop... Oh, Mama... Oh, geez...
Ahhh.
Oh, Mama... I'm so sorry.
I was practicing.
I want people to fear me.
Don't you worry, son.
You scare us all.
Thank you, thank you, mama.
That's all I want to hear.
Aw, what'd you wake me up for?
Get outta here. Leave me alone.
- Godson.
- Don't you ever knock, Bugsy?
Don't call me that!
All right. What should I call you?
Alice.
Alice it is then.
What do you want, Alice?
There's somebody here
that wants to see you.
- Who?
- [tense music, screams]
[clatters]
[Bugsy] This is Frito.
As in my older brother Frito?
Oh my God!
Oh my God! Frito's back home.
Aw, shit.
Welcome back, my brother.
Welcome back!
[sighs]
I ain't here to deliver
the mail, little brother.
I've come to take what
is rightfully mine.
Anything, anything
you want is yours.
- Anything? Anything? Anything?
- Yeah. Yeah. Really.
I want my position as the
rightful heir to this family.
Anything but that. [chuckles]
Let's be realistic.
- [Frito sobbing] Pop, Pop!
- Get away from me!
How can you make him the Godson?
Look at him, he's such a popagolch.
I'm older.
I deserve the throne to this family.
You can have Dad's Cutlass.
I don't want my father's Oldsmobile.
I want what is mine!
[throwing a tantrum]
[thud, grunts]
[breathing heavily]
[grunting]
[screeching]
What wackos...
Ow! No one likes that, Frito.
[tense music]
You will live to regret this.
Wherever you go, I'll be there.
Ow...
You walk the streets, I'll be there.
Scratched.
I'll be there.
C'est la vive.
What are you talkin' French for?
You're Italian.
[Guppy] Now that I'd taken over,
the Rodfather wanted
to have dinner.
Said he had a little plan,
wanted to talk to me about it.
Say hello to Tracy's Dick.
[chuckles] I mean Tracy Dick.
Nice to see you again Dick!
That's Mr. Dick to you. [grunting]
Bugsy, no!
Come on...
Let's go on with the meeting.
But let me say, I'm glad we
called this peace Don Calzone.
Ohh I just hope it lasts, is all.
[soft music]
- [retching]
- [chuckles]
- You think I'm funny?
- Yes, you are very funny.
- You think I'm funny?
- Is there an echo in here?
What does that mean, you think I'm
funny? Do you think I'm funny?
- Or do you think I'm funny?
- Look, I...
just thought what you
did was, you know, funny.
[gun cocks]
So now you think I'm funny, that it?
[laughs]
Now, that's funny,
the machine gun bit.
Good old-fashioned funny. [laughs]
You're not being funny,
you're being effing whacko.
Put away the piece
before you break a nail.
[gunfire]
Now, you think I'm funny?
Pop, she shot at me!
That's dames for ya.
Damn, I did break a nail!
[Oddfather] You guys must come
from a rough part of town.
Are you kiddin'? The one day
they raffled off a police car,
with two cops still in it. My
building... nothing but robberies.
Every time I close the window,
I hit somebody's fingers.
So what's the story morning glory?
Airplane glue.
There's a huge shipment coming
into the docks tomorrow night,
we want to steal it
and sell it to small children
throughout the nation.
We need your
protection, Don Calzone.
I'll give your protection.
Here ya go.
[puffing]
Here, take this.
[chuckles] Not that, Oddfather.
I mean...
Ohh, extra large.
Hey, Oddfather...
did I ever meet you in prison?
You look familiar, turn around.
Anyway we need your
influence with the police,
the unions, city hall,
you know what I'm saying.
The other families
would be very upset
if you were to deny us. Capice?
No thanks, I already ate.
But what do you want kids gluing
airplanes together for, huh?
It's not to build airplanes, idiots.
It's to sniff.
Like a dog meets another dog.
Capice?
Oh!
Oh...
That might kill them.
The cost of doing business.
Now let the men talk and shut up.
Speak to the hand, not the face.
Listen up Rodfather,
we ain't helpin' out any
airplane glue business.
Or any other kind of business
unless I say so, get it?
What? It's all set up!
I like kids, Roddy.
I don't see any reason to kill them.
Call off the deal.
Oddfather, your son's got
olive oil in his brain.
He's making a serious error.
Nevertheless, he's the one
who's making the decisions
and I agree with him because I feel
you shouldn't hurt children
till they're grown up.
Look, we're going into airplane
glue, with or without you!
Who cares?
Nobody tells the Godson what to do.
[scoffs]
Bugsy, let's go.
[Oddfather] Take me with ya.
Guiseppe Calzone...
I will break him...
I will break him
like a baby's finger.
[bone breaking]
[soft sensual music]
[Guppy] It was time to get down
to business. Make some money.
Restore the Calzone family.
Bugsy had the first great idea,
we'd open a little dancing palace.
He knew just the place, he said.
4334 Amsterdam Avenue.
But I bought 4334 and a half,
Amsterdam Avenue.
It was half priced.
It wasn't quite the
success I'd imagined.
For some reason none of
my Mafia friends came.
[rock music]
Can I stop now, for God's sake?
Sure, Judy. Take five.
And don't blame yourself
for the poor attendance.
You're a fine dancer.
[tense music]
All right then, nobody else's
gonna dance... then I will.
[Guppy] Yeah, it didn't do that
well as a business.
But it wasn't a total loss.
I did learn a few new dance steps.
- [dance music]
- [camera shutters]
[suspenseful music]
[people chattering]
[man on speaker] What
is this crap, Angel?
You expect this bring down the
most powerful man in the mob?
The Director's not impressed.
- Sir, I--
- [man on speaker] The only I
I want to see outta you, sugarpuff,
is that gorgeous blue one I
see when I wake up next to you.
[laughs]
Now you better get something better
unless you wanna be flipping
burgers by the end the week.
[disconnected tone]
Yeah, suck my toe.
That's it, suck it harder!
[chuckles]
Now look at that.
You've gone and made such a mess.
Bad boy, very bad.
[Guppy] Plan number two,
was a guaranteed winner.
Yeah, that's beautiful, baby.
Now put on my bra...
I had moved the family into
the telecommunicatory bidness.
Now take both jumper cables
and put them on each nipple.
People were calling by the hundreds.
We were gonna make a fortune!
- [man] Listen to what I say.
- He's coming this way.
Um, kiss it, yes I'll kiss it.
Uh-huh. What?
Give me the lollipop, daddy.
Yes, you can keep the
beer mug on my head.
Yes, I'll lick, lick, lick, lick,
lick, lick, lick, lick, lick...
Are you satisfied
you effin' pervert?!
Good job, good job.
- Bugsy?
- [grunts]
[gasps]
These 900 numbers are
a gold mine, Alice.
How much we making?
900? Did you say 900?
900, 800, what's the difference?
You told me, 800. You clearly said,
"Bugsy, I want you to set up
a buncha 800 dirty numbers."
Yeah, so what? It doesn't matter.
- [girl screaming]
- [phones ringing]
Oh, Alice, I'm so sorry.
Oh, Alice, you were right.
Oh, I suck, Dad.
- No...
- Oh, I suck.
Every plan I come up with fails.
I'll never rebuild
the family in time.
And I'll never be a good mobster.
Let's face life.
Listen to me.
You have two months left.
But you know what they
say, no falls no balls.
I know what everybody's thinking.
What?
- This guy ain't Mafia material.
- Naw.
This guy couldn't
organize a yard sale.
Naw...
This guy has premature
ejaculation problems.
No...
Why you should see a
mechanic, you know.
It could be the battery.
You never know.
What they're thinking is...
if only Sunny were alive.
Aw, geez. I miss him so much.
Okay, fellas, joke's over!
Funny! [laughing] I got it.
Now let me outta here.
[echo] Let me outta here!
- If only Sunny were alive.
- Yeah.
Hey, I wonder if we
should dig up his grave,
and see if he's really dead.
Maybe he's down there
living on worms,
praying we'll come and save him.
What are you crazy? No.
[chuckles] Guess I am a bit crazy.
- [chuckles] Yeah, so...
- Dig up his grave.
- Yeah, so...
- How much money would that cost?
[laughs]
- Oh, yeah.
- And the man hours.
A shitload.
[suspicious music]
[Guppy] Things weren't
going so great, I admit.
Every business venture I tried
was, well. a complete failure.
I'd blown 1.4 million dollars
learning the difference
between 800 and 900 numbers.
I was a failed Mafia chieftain,
people everywhere wanted me
dead, and I was still a virgin.
But all was not lost.
I still had plan number three.
My mama always said, if you can't
make money, marry into money.
And that's exactly
what I planned to do.
Romeo, Romeo...
[suspenseful music]
[Don Na] Romeo...
[blow, hit]
Aw, dude.
- [falls]
- Romeo?
Romeo?
[grunts, screams]
[falls]
Romeo, if that's you,
this isn't funny.
[sobbing]
- [dog barking]
- [Frito sobbing]
Where the hell are you, Romeo?
Right here, my precious.
Guppy?!
God, what are you doing here?
I've come to free you, my love!
[scoffs]
[chuckles]
[clears throat]
I've always wanted you, my sweet.
To run a feather across your feet.
To feel your soft lips
in a love-locked kiss;
I imagine heaven can't
be as good as this.
To live and never love you
is all I've ever feared;
to go through life and never feel
the touch of your downy beard.
I will sit on your very best chair.
I will rub your silky
soft chest hair.
To feel your muscles...
- [door opens]
- What is this?
Isn't that what you wanted?
Didn't you say, Bugsy get
me a book on light poetry...
Gay, light, joyful.
Okay, all right, fine!
No time for that now, thank you.
Hey, what's with the noise?
It's that damn Guppy Calzone again.
I'm gonna whack him, Daddy.
I'm gonna whack him.
Hey look, I've got my own problems.
Look at this, will ya?
And your mother wasn't
that nice either.
I told her I hurt my little
pinkie, she said it's all right,
we're not gonna have sex anyway.
[Don Na] Aw, come on, Daddy.
Can I whack him?
Just once?
Just kill him? Just once, please!
No, no, no... This is all
part of the master strategy.
You won't kill him.
You'll go out on a date with him.
A date?
Aw, you mean we could
always kill the Calzones,
but we'd make too many enemies,
therefore we must
destroy them, right?
- Right.
- Then you whacked Sunny.
God it must of been hard on you
to see a man like
that die without pain.
I've seen so many
guys die with pain,
I figured I'd break it
up a little bit you know?
Now, I make little Guppy the
Puppy fall in love with me...
and the Oddfather will have
no choice but to disown him.
Daddy, you're brilliant.
[chuckles] Oh, I know, I know.
[singing] Oh I live
for you, I really do...
- Come to me...
- All right, all right, all right...
I'm coming... God...
[Guppy] I took her to this
little place I know.
Most people couldn't get seats,
but they always have a table for me.
Well, it wasn't always the best
table, but it was a table...
Do I look fat to you? I say no,
not to me, but to everybody else.
To me you're just big boned.
I loved that big boned crap.
I'm not really fat,
I'm very big boned.
Isn't that amazing how you have
those big fat bones in your ass...
When does the real show start?
[scoffs]
You ever get these people...
[Guppy] When do we
get to the funny part?
Well you wanna go up, hey
you, come here! Give me that.
Get the hook! Get the hook!
[jazz music]
Hey, how ya doin'?
Hi, I'm Dom Irrera from television.
Nice to meet ya.
I appreciate your heckling, right...
You're a heckler, huh?
The clever heckler... I was up
there on stage, that's what I do.
I've worked my whole life for that.
I appreciate being
interrupted, I like that.
Kinda gives me something
to play off of, you know,
it's so funny, you're
so funny, I love that.
You know, people always ask
comedians what do you do
when somebody heckles you?
Some guys they have this like rapier
like whit, you know, very clever.
Other guys they make a funny face.
Me? I crack you in the face.
- [thud]
- [Guppy grunts] Oh God.
All right.
You deal with every
situation differently, folks.
You know some people... anyway.
Good act.
- Ad libber--
- [thud] Excuse me.
- [tense music]
- [grunts]
[laughing]
[bubbling]
Send this over, with my compliments.
[chuckles]
[Dom Irrera] Oh yeah, I'm sure the
girl would have to be a lesbian...
- [laughing]
- It's okay.
[waiter] As if I'd give
them the good stuff.
[cork pops open]
[scoffs] Mon Dieu.
Compliments of the
gentleman over there.
[tense music]
A little bubbly...
[sighs]
[choking]
[falls]
[people cheering]
Try this.
[burp]
Huh?
Oh!
[big burp]
[clapping]
No please!
[deep breath]
[giant burp]
[clapping]
Thank you. Thank you very
much, please sit down, please.
You are some kind of woman.
Well, thank you, Guppy.
Let's you and I blow this joint.
Let's have some real fun.
Yes.
Oh, yes... Yes...
[electronic music]
[car door opens] Welcome
to the Copacabanna.
[cheering]
[laughing]
Uh, I think you hit
that guy on the head.
Oh, yes, on the head.
Now I prefer children.
[laughing]
[dance music]
[cheering]
For me?
I want you to have it.
[camera shutters]
[saxophone music]
Oh, Guppy...
I've had such a wonderful evening.
He's such a yutz. But there's
something cute about him.
I've never known
happiness until now.
I wonder if she flosses regularly?
Guppy, there's so much we
don't know about each other.
I wonder if he knows about those
naked photos of me on the Internet?
One thing I do know is,
you're so handsome, so strong.
I bet she's a virgin, too.
I think I love her.
You look so pretty in the moonlight.
So delicate.
Mmmm...
Think baseball... Most strikeouts
in a game by a left-hander...
Oooops.
What?
It's nothing. It's nothing.
[chuckles]
[kissing]
[Rodfather] All right, jerky.
Take your hands off her.
[intriguing music]
Looks like we got some company.
Well, it's a good thing
I always carry my knife!
My keys... to get in my car.
I left my knife at home...
I used it a lot to woodshop.
[Guppy] Back up there, wiseguys!
- Guppy, don't!
- Okay...
[Don Na] Daddy...
I said, Get close to him.
I didn't say,
Try to lick the back of his throat.
Come here!
Oh, Pappa...
What-- Get your hands off me!
Ow! Ow my hair!
Come on, punks.
Show me what you got.
Whoop!
Whoop!
Daddy, if you kill him, I'll...
I'll never talk to you again!
I mean it too!
All right, cupcake.
Boys, don't kill him.
Just make him wish
he was dead.
Oh, yes!
[chainsaw revving]
[thudding]
Oh, no! Stop!
Use the jab, the jab!
Give him some low blows, low blows!
Guppy! I love you, Guppy!
I love you!
[thudding]
[chainsaw revving]
Deja vu!
- [yelling]
- [thudding]
- [soft music]
- [birds chirping]
Look at you now,
you little Guppy.
[fingers snapping]
Okay, could you
just tell her I called?
[Guppy] Times were tough.
I hadn't planned on spending
a week in the hospital.
And I hadn't planned on
falling in love with Don Na.
But she was once, twice...
several times a lady, actually.
Even worse, it looked like she was just
looking for a cheap thrill that night,
'cause now she wouldn't
return my calls or my letters
or my LP collection.
And how do you think I felt being
beat up in front of the woman I love?
[woman's voice]
I felt violated, emasculated.
Like all the dignity
I possess in the world
was stripped away in one
bold, life-changing moment.
[normal voice] I can't believe
how fast my beard grows!
It's 9 p.m.
and I have to shave again.
I am shaving twice a day.
Where was I... Oh yes!
Now on top of everything else,
I only have one
month to resurrect the Calzone family
to its days of former glory,
before we're dead broke
and living in the gutter.
What am I gonna do?
I don't suppose you can
come up with an idea?
I mean you've been
watching the whole shebang
and maybe you could
come up with a plan or...
never mind.
Sorry I brought the whole thing up.
Sorry.
Sorry I bothered you.
That was some fight, huh?
My knife! [laughs]
That was pretty good.
Hey! Hey!
Maybe you'd like to buy
some Godson merchandise?
It would mean so
much to poor old Mama.
Buy the Guppy action figure doll!
Bang, bang, bang, Ken!
Bang, bang, bang, Barbie!
Your kids would love it. Wait!
Oh, watch out. Here comes the...
Godson dinosaur!
Oooh, he loves your ears!
For $19.95 you can
buy the whole thing!
[Guppy] Oh, well,
let's get back to work.
Fact is, a couple of my ideas
just hadn't panned out--
But don't worry.
I still have
one plan left up my sleeve.
[gun clicks]
Let me draw a map of the bank.
We come in here, we hit 'em
hard here... and we exit here.
My contact tells me there's
nothing in there but liquid gold.
Wads and wads of liquid gold.
You have the escape
route memorized, Mama?
Okay.
What we do is we go down Landsdown
and turn right at Davenport.
Unless of course traffic's bad,
then what you're gonna want to do is
go down Steele's Avenue.
If you want, we can go
down Wellsley, it's very scenic,
specially this time of year
when the leaves are falling.
Okay... Okay! I know where it is!
- Ready?
- Ready!
Ready.
- Let's do it!
- Let's do it!
Let's do it. [cocks gun]
[tense music]
[upbeat action music]
[Guppy]
Everybody on the floor now!
[Bugsy] Get down now!
[gunshots]
[Bugsy]
Guppy! [shots twice] This way!
- Get up!
- Get down!
- Get up!
- Get down...
Hey, are you guys
rappers or something?
No, we're your worst effin'
nightmare! Now get up!
Up, down, up, down...
Make up your minds!
Put all the money in here, now.
But we haven't got any!
Give everything you
have, and put it in this bag,
or I'm gonna give
you a bullet sandwich!
But without the bread, the lettuce
and mustard I think...
Mmm-hum. [mumbles]
It's going very well, I think.
Here!
- Thank you very much.
- Mm-hm.
I'll give you a call sometime.
[chuckling] Well, okay...
Mm, mm, mm, I don't want to
be there when that starts to melt.
I got 'em, sir.
I got 'em this time.
They're robbing a bank.
I'm going after them.
[groans]
[groans]
- [alarm ringing]
- [guard] Mm?
[tires screeching]
Hey! Hey, come back here!
Yeah... it was kinda disgusting
when we found out, actually.
I do admit that.
- Center and insert.
- Thank you very much.
- [singing] Oh, give me a home...
- Home...
- Where the buffalo roam...
- Roam...
And I'll show you
a house full of... [laughs]
I guess I'm nothing
but a loser, Pop.
Every single thing
I try fails miserably.
Fails, fails, fails...
Naw, don't say that.
All you have to do is think
how people are successful,
who are they,
and then duplicate what they do.
Okay, okay.
Who was the best
at stealin' money?
Politicians got that down pat. [laughs]
Politicians. Maybe that's it!
What would you do
if you were the president?
First thing I would do...
is I would take a run,
stop at McDonald's,
then I would shake people down.
But how does the president
shake people down?
Oh, that's so easy.
You just rent out the Lincoln room.
- You don't have a Lincoln room!
- There's always a catch.
- Fund-raisers...
- Bugsy!
- Bugsy caught a live thing!
- Wow!
- Hi, Bugsy. Wow!
- [animal snarls]
Fund-raisers... that's it!
We'll hold a fund-raiser.
And we'll charge like two
thousand dollars a plate.
- Five thousand.
- Ten thousand dollars!
Twenty thousand. We'll get rich
and famous just like in the movies.
Like in the movies, eh?
- [ding]
- I just got an idea!
[Guppy] It all suddenly
became clear to me.
I didn't just need to
make us rich again.
I needed to get
us out of this life.
To take the family legit.
Sure a fund-raiser was a great idea,
but it needed something more
to become a truly great plan.
It needed... Hollywood.
Hollywood!
[Guppy] Hollywood!
I'll tell you what.
You tell her we pass,
and we're to get
a two-week freebie
at Camarillo Mental Institute
for deranged actors... you're right.
Hold on a minute.
Look, I'm sorry, kid,
to disappoint ya, Groupy...
Guppy.
- Gruppy.
- Guppy.
Guppy, let's get
something clear, all right?
- I'm not gonna sell...
- [woman screams]
Nice talkin' to ya. You be well.
I know you're a
reasonable man, Mr. Green.
So, when you change
your mind, call me.
But I warn you,
my offer expires
the night of the 25th.
[mumbling]
Mr. Green... Mr. Green, I'm...
You won't believe it.
I've got a whacko
in my Jacuzzi here,
and he's floatin' around
like a goddamn whale.
I don't know what to do.
Could you turn the
whirlpool off?
Get him outta here. Please.
Is somebody by a knob that can
turn off the whirlpool? I mean...
- [camera clicks]
- [horse neighing]
- [man groans]
- [horse neighs]
[dramatic music]
[horse neighing dramatically]
Son of a bitch!
[echoing scream]
[ominous music]
[car horn honks]
Honey!
You forgot to
pay the rent again!
Oh!
[sobbing]
[gasps] Nah!
- [thud]
- [gunshot]
[Frito screams]
- What happened?
- I shot my friggin' ear off!
Oh, honey, I'm sorry...
- Wait! There it is.
- [Frito groans]
- Sit down.
- What?
- I said sit down!
- I can't hear you!
Oh! I said sit down!
I'll grab some thread!
Oh! Ow!
[yelling] Look, honey,
you got a letter!
Yeah, I can hear that.
Oh, sorry...
What the hell's that-- Ow!
Oh, I'm sorry, baby!
What the hell is this?
Please join me for a
party to benefit-- Ow!
Oh, I'm doing the
best I can here.
- The retired mobster's association?
- Ooh!
- Saturday the 25th? [groans]
- Ooh!
Twenty thousand dollars a plate?
Cash only? Please BYOB.
BYOB? Oh, bring your own bitch.
Honey, you can come.
Oh, thank you.
No cans, bottles,
or semi-automatic weapons. [groans]
Sincerely yours,
Giuseppe Calzone.
There, I'm finished!
It's almost as good as new.
[Frito] Twenty
thousand dollars a plate?
He's gotta be nuts!
[chuckles]
Fine.
Fine!
I'll go to your stinking party.
I'll go to your party, 'cause
that's where I'm gonna get
what is rightfully mine!
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Honey, if it's twenty
thousand dollars a person,
where on earth
are we gonna get...
Two and two, carry the one...
Thirty thousand dollars!
I ask you.
[ominous music]
Back to the night job.
[dramatic brass notes]
Yes, sir, I repeat,
they are having a party celebration.
[man] The only party
I want to hear about, fruitlips,
is the one in my pants. [laughs]
Shut up, sir. That's it!
I have had enough of this!
I quit!
Forget the law! This one's personal.
What are you doing?
For two years you've
had me doing this bullshit!
That's it I've had it!
[man]
I love you! I can change!
[spooky music]
[diabolic screams]
Oh, Don Na, my dear, guess what?
Papa... Oh, papa!
Let me out of here, Daddy.
Please, please!
Now what are you complaining about?
You've got it better than everybody.
I mean look how big your cell is!
Yeah, it's kind of big.
But there's no air conditioning!
So, guess what?
It looks like our friend, Guppy
Calzone, is having a little fiesta.
Guppy?
You ruined the master strategy.
Now it's time for plan B.
We whack the son of a bitch!
No, papa! Don't do it, papa!
Per favore!
I love him!
Well, how could you
love a man like Guppy?
Well it sounds like a side dish.
Hey, waiter. Let me have a
steak, and a side order of Guppy.
[speaking Italian]
Ah, stop complaining.
Meanwhile, I'm out there
knocking myself out for ya.
And I think I can get
a TV put in here for ya.
- No cable!
- No cable?
Here I'll tell ya a story, okay?
Daddy came over to say hello,
and now daddy's saying goodbye.
No, papa!
[scoffs]
[speaking Italian]
Oh, damn!
Not again!
[Guppy] Twenty thousand
smackeroons a plate?
I was gonna make a fortune!
This was a bigger racket
than a Streisand Concert!
It was all part of my plan.
The greatest plan a
mobster had ever come up with.
[man] This house is
much bigger than it looks.
[Bugsy] Ms. Sue Honor.
[Guppy] Hey, it's an effing palace!
- [detector beeping]
- Hey! Those are expensive!
Joey Buttafuoco.
- Buttafuoco. Okay.
- Buttafuoco.
- [detector beeps]
- Over here.
[detector beeps]
That way, please.
- [upbeat jazz music]
- [indistinct conversations]
[man grunts]
I like the way you talk.
I was just thinkin' how you
might like a can of potted meat.
- Pay attention.
- [camera shutter clicks]
Well...
Welcome, welcome one and all.
And also, [wails] welcome,
welcome one and all.
Oh, [slaps] you're so beautiful!
[chuckles]
You like that one, Joey?
I don't know.
I gotta tell you I was in there,
and that dog just won't hunt.
Mr. President, how
about that one?
Oh, yeah. I like her.
I got her number, you want it?
- Sure!
- Terrific.
[upbeat accordion music]
- [ominous music]
- [camera shutter clicks]
Hey, the twins are here!
And they got a date!
Oh!
It's all poison, fellas.
It's all poison.
Uh, I feel your pain, Joey.
I understand.
[shuriken swooshes]
- Hey Joey!
- [groans]
Sure, I'll dance with ya...
Sure, sure.
You're light on your feet, actually.
One, two...
You know you don't look so good,
maybe you should take a little rest.
- Sit in the chair. There, there.
- Oh!
Must be the canolis.
- What's your name, huh?
- Sue.
Sue, huh?
Well, you can sue me anytime!
[ominous music]
Frito, honey...
Are we gonna go inside?
[snarl]
We're just sitting out here...
I'd like to go into the
party and have some fun!
Meet your little brother.
[snarl]
Honey...
[laughs]
- Boing!
- What! What! What!
- [Frito] Yeah, baby.
- Yeah, baby.
We're gonna have a swell time,
swell time, swell time tonight.
A swell time.
- Mmmmm, mmm.
- You're hurting me.
Would you like to see my
Washington Monument, huh?
You pig!
- I think you had one too many, lady.
- Hey!
- This way.
- [Sue] Stop it!
That girl's got spunk.
I like a spunky girl.
Sorry about that, Mr. President.
Don't worry about it.
Would you like
some barbecue pork jowls?
Okey-dokey!
- To the pit, shall we?
- To the pit!
[groans]
Tara! [sighs]
I used to live here once, Goldy.
[coughing]
Now, they wouldn't let
me clean their sewer pipes.
- What?
- Let go of me, you incredible hulk.
- [Sue screams]
- [bang]
[boomerang swooshes]
- Capice?
- Sure, thanks.
[groaning]
Where's the matzoh balls?
We're all out.
What?
[thud]
Listen up and listen good.
I don't wanna hear that
we're out of matzoh balls,
or any other kind of balls.
What the hell's
happening back here?
I'm sorry, Guppy.
I'll try harder.
Back to work.
[swoosh]
Frito, I'm so glad you came.
Hey, you brought a date!
Very nice.
[giggles] Thanks! I'm Goldy.
Pleased to meet you, Goldy.
- Say, that's a nice locket.
- [Goldy] Mmm.
Wait a second.
Haven't I seen you
before at 42nd Street?
I was on my way to...
the Metropolitan Museum.
That's right, I like the arts--
That's all right,
Guppy, you can say it.
You paid to put your
spanky in my muffin,
but all you wanted
to do was talk.
I like to chat.
So I guess that Frito knows
that you're a prostit-- [laughs]
That you're a
prost-- [clicks tongue]
That you're a pr-- [gasps]
That you're a p-- [gasps]
That's right. I'm a whore.
[solemn music]
Ya see, I'm the hooker
with a heart of gold.
Every Hollywood
movie has to have one.
And even though
I let perverse, smelly old men
do whatever they want to my body,
deep underneath
I'm a sweet, loving, emotionally
supportive young woman
with a lot of smarts
and panache.
And of course,
I'm breathtakingly beautiful!
Just an unpolished
diamond, really.
That's really terrific.
I hope everything works out for you.
Oh thanks. I'm sure it will!
And Frito, we should talk soon.
Mano e mano.
- [thunder rumbling]
- [dramatic music]
[frogs croaking]
[ominous piano note]
- [thud]
- Oh!
- [bang]
- Oops!
[Frito screams]
[fire crackling]
[Rodfather] Remember,
you provide the diversion, capisce?
No, I'm Tony. Tony Montana.
All right.
Okay, all right. Okay.
Okay, amigos.
He provides the diversion,
then we go in.
See the idea is let me get
this guy out of the picture,
know what I mean?
Then I'll own the whole city.
Then I'll control uptown,
downtown, Motown. Capisce?
I know, your name is Tony, I know.
[farting]
My flower is dying.
[sniffs]
Does the word moderation
mean anything to you?
Uh, what are you, some kind
of a little sheep? Flock you, man!
Well, flock you too, pally.
No, no, no, flock you!
Flock you!
I think it's time
I show you the door, eh?
Yeah, well flock that, man.
Huh! Flock that! Huh!
[yelling indistinctly]
[gunshots]
[yelling indistinctly]
The Rodfather wants to
see hustle out there, amigos.
I want to see commitment.
The guys who win are the ones who
play hardest till the whistle blows.
Who takes a machete to the gut!
Even though their intestines
are dripping all over the floor.
Are we ready?
[all] Uh...
I said, are we ready!
[all] Yes! Yeah!
Nobody flocks with me!
Look at you now, you little flock!
I'll show you a real flock!
[gunshots]
Ah, ah, ah!
[dramatic silence]
- [splash]
- [groaning]
Cool!
- [ominous music]
- [alarm blaring]
[kissing]
Hey, let's put some
life in the party!
[gunshots]
[Rodfather laughs]
[opera music starts playing]
[heavy gunfire]
[bang]
[glass breaking]
Flock you!
[gunshots]
[groaning]
[gunshots]
[glass breaking]
[gunshot]
[sings high-pitched opera note]
Whoo!
Vaffanculo!
[people screaming]
[thudding]
- [gunshot]
- [groaning]
All right, Freddie.
[Guppy] Ta-da!
Twenty thousand dollars
from every guest here.
Well, thank you. Thank you.
[gunshot]
You sign right here, my boy.
[Guppy laughs]
- Yes!
- Terrific, terrific.
[speaking Italian]
[thudding]
I wouldn't have really shown
those pictures to anyone, Freddie.
Guppy, I know that.
[chuckles] Don't you understand?
This is the best thing
that's ever happened to me!
The town was eating
me alive anyway.
[groans] Guppy!
[Freddie] If you think the Mafia's tough,
kid, wait till you get to Tinsel Town.
See you in Tahiti, Guppy. Ciao!
Ow! Ow! Ow!
[groans]
[tires screeching]
[opera music playing]
Ah, all this will be yours some day.
[groaning]
[shrieks]
[Guppy] Stop! [echoing]
Let's make love... not war!
[indistinct chatter]
[man] Guppy for president!
- [people cheering]
- [all] Guppy! Guppy!
- [dog barking]
- [all] Guppy! Guppy!
[jazz music starts playing]
Guppy! Oh!
Tesoro mio!
You didn't answer my calls.
Some of them were long distance.
Oh, I never received them!
Daddy chained me to a wall!
Oh, thank God!
I thought you'd forgotten about me,
never wanted to see my face again.
Oh, Guppy!
That would never happen.
You're my sweet little angel
Sent from heaven above us
Hey, cut that out!
You have wronged me, Guppy.
First you hurt my business,
then you take my daughter.
You want uptown,
you want downtown.
Next thing I know you'll
take a leak in Central Park
and tell me from now on
it's your territory.
Guppy, you have disrespected me.
You have disgraced the family.
And now you're
sleeping with the enemy.
And you have wronged
me too, little brother.
- Me too!
- And you owe me six bucks!
Four bucks!
[overlapping dialogue]
All right, all right, you've
all got grievances. I get it.
Rodfather, your daughter
is a perfect woman.
And I love her.
I love, love, love her.
Aww, geez.
I love her so much that...
I love you.
Hey, stick to her, will ya?
How could I not?
She's in your image.
She got that little twinkle
in her eyes from you.
- Your strong but soft cheeks.
- [romantic Italian music]
The little way you
play with your hair.
Look, he's doing it! He's doing it!
I love that little
laugh of yours.
[laughs]
The cute dent in your
chin that just kills me.
There's a lot to love.
- Guppy?
- Hmm?
- Guppy!
- Leave him alone, will ya?
Go ahead, finish.
Where was I?
I love her, blah, blah, blah...
Yes!
Now, as far as the business goes,
I got a plan.
A plan for us all.
What's the plan?
I'm taking the
families legitimate.
What?
[Guppy] That's right!
For the first time, we can walk the
streets like citizens, not criminals.
We can go to court for
traffic tickets, not Murder One.
We can make love to our women
without charging credit cards.
We can break wind, not fingers.
Who is this guy?
We can choke the chicken
and not our enemies necks.
- We can--
- Basta, basta. What's the plan?
- Movies, Pop! Movies!
- [indistinct mumbling]
- [man snarls]
- [woman screams]
With the money
we earned tonight,
plus the money you've earned for
the past fifty years of hard work,
I just bought us a company.
[man] Oh my God!
[Guppy] A movie studio, Pop!
We're gonna be producers.
- Hey, Pop! Don't shoot.
- [Guppy] Sunny!
Aw, geez!
I thought you killed this guy!
I thought I did, too.
Hey, why don't you call
me if something goes right?
I thought you--
I thought you were dead.
I thought you was dead.
Geez, how you been.
Well I been all right.
I ate worms for six months.
- Come here! Give me a kiss.
- It was kinda hard.
You smell like you look.
Maybe later, we'll hug later.
You should've told me
you were coming back!
I would have had dinner for you!
- Yeah.
- Aw, geez.
- You know, Pop.
- What?
I'm just glad I got back in time
to see the Calzone family go legit.
The silver screen, Pop.
It's a more brilliant plan than
even I could have come up with.
Just think we'll make
soft core porn, erotica,
and we'll sell it the Japanese...
and then cable!
We'll be rich again!
My boys!
Do what you want, Don Calzone,
but I can't forgive these two.
They have betrayed me!
Listen up, Rodfather.
I've got an offer for you.
An offer you can't reuse.
Retool.
An offer you can't refuel.
- [Sunny] What?
- [Don Na] What?
An, uh...
Follow me!
Refuse, refuse!
An offer you can't--
Baby!
[suspenseful music]
[Bugsy] So the deal is...
if you win, you get the girl.
If you win, you get to
electrocute him repeatedly.
- Yeah!
- Plus you get--
[Don Pardo] A eureka
upright vacuum cleaner!
- A thirty-seven cycle dishwasher!
- Okay, okay!
The card's are dealt.
Let's play.
The higher card wins.
Each of you get one
chance to trade in your card
or you can keep the one
that was given. Ready?
[laughing]
[clock ticking]
I'll trade.
[card thuds]
[laughs]
Hit me.
- [thud]
- [Don Na] Hey!
On second thought, I'll stick.
Show us your cards!
[suspenseful music intensifies]
Beat this! King of spades!
- [gasping]
- [Goldy] Oh!
I have a one.
Well, I guess that's the
end of the Calzone family.
[sad trumpet melody]
[man]
What happened?
Wh-- what's going on?
[paper being ripped]
I don't-- I--
I don't understand. What--
That's the, uh,
the end of the movie?
Yeah!
Let me ask you something.
Are you retarded?
No, I'm... the writer.
Mm. [scoffs]
[chuckles nervously] Let's, um,
let us think this through.
Think... Academy Award.
"Platoon", "Schindler's List",
"Roger Rabbit".
These are complex films.
Dark, and edgy, and full
of irony and ambivalence.
You know, I love ambivalence.
It's full of real meaning, like life!
I love the stuff with
the guy and the--
With the shoes,
but I feel like...
we're missing something.
A message?
Environmental issues?
The frailties of
the human heart?
Dolphins?
[bang]
Lesbians.
[laughing]
I mean, not in a demeaning
or a derogatory way.
I'm just saying, you know,
like a '90s lesbian.
Bright, intelligent, big tits.
Supermodels.
Supermodels that like each other.
- [woman 1] Baby, kiss me.
- [woman 2] Oh, I'd love to!
[laughing, moaning]
[Bugsy] Say, boss.
An ace is worth an eleven.
I know that.
So that means, I have an... Uh...
- Eleven?
- An eleven?
Hey, I win!
[people cheering]
It's all your fault, Dick!
[Oddfather] Oh, oh!
[Guppy] Hey, you're
a priest, aren't you?
Yes, I certainly am.
- Can you marry us?
- Yes! Oh, yes!
Oh, all righty. Um...
Do you, um...
Yes, oh yes!
- And do you...
- You got that right, pally.
Well, that was easy.
Ah, then by the
power vested in me,
I now pronounce you
mobster and moll.
[all] Aw!
[cheers and applause]
[upbeat Italian traditional music]
[kissing]
[chuckles nervously]
Uh, G-- G-- Guppy?
Yes, my precious?
Guppy?
[slap]
[chuckles nervously]
Uh...
[glasses breaking]
[laughing]
[cheers and applause]
[Guppy] And that's
how I became the owner
of my very own
Hollywood movie studio!
I'd restored the Calzone
family to its former glory,
and taken it legit along the way.
[birds chirping]
[Guppy] Here you go.
That's too much.
I've changed my
mind, that's too much.
[dramatic brass notes]
[Guppy] I'd married
the woman I loved
and I was pretty sure I was
gonna lose my virginity soon too.
Anyways.
It all happened one
crazy and tumultuous year.
The year of living
dangerously, some might say.
Come on, I'll show you around.
[thud]
We're gonna make
Sunny here, an action star.
And... action!
[engine revving]
[tires screeching]
[bang]
That wasn't supposed to happen!
- [suggestive music]
- Very bad boy.
[Guppy] Frito was becoming
quite an exciting young director.
Look like you're
enjoying it, Bugsy.
Don't call me that, Frito!
You little pip squeak!
Perfect!
[Guppy] And the Rodfather,
well, he lost the bet
and he lost seven million dollars
on that misguided
airplane glue deal.
I did give him a job, though.
Look at this, mopping floors.
I should have
listened to my parents.
And today I could've been
a body and fender man.
[Guppy] Mama here is
the top dog at the company.
She says she was tired of
cooking, and cleaning, and such
and wanted to run a major motion
picture studio, so I said, "Sure!"
- [woman screams]
- Hey! Take it easy, will ya?
And I'm not wearing a seat belt.
I'm sorry, Mama Calzone,
but I can't seem to find
today's Variety anywhere.
- What? Are you gonna take this?
- No, I'm not.
- Get out of here.
- [gunshots]
[screaming]
Pop, Pop! Cut that out, Pop!
We're legit now, Pop!
You can't just whack
somebody for making a mistake.
Ah, what's the difference?
She couldn't find Variety.
I don't think I want to work
for you people anymore.
Oh, I think you will,
unless you want to see
your cute little kitty-cat
end up at the bottom
of the Los Angeles River
with a set of Ginzu
knives in his skull.
[crying] Not my little Pippie.
Get to your desk.
We can still whack pets.
[cat meows]
[solemn Italian music]
- Can I have one more go?
- [director] No.
I don't feel good
about that one.
That was great! That was fun!
We got it, it was perfect!
We didn't get it. Who are you?
You don't know
anything about directing.
[coughs]
[quack]
- Vafangoo.
- Vafalinga!
- No, vafangoo.
- Vafungee.
- Vafangoo!
- Vafunga!
You seem to have
trouble with your vowels.
Vafunga!
- Vafangoo.
- Vafan-ooh.
Would you repeat
that for the West coast?
- I'm trying!
- Va-fan-goo.
Vafunga...
Fire!
[spitting]
Awww, gee...
I guess it was
a bigger wound than I thought.
Ah, here, Don Quijote,
get yourself a new hat, will ya?
And here get yourself
a shave too, okay?
Here, don't forget
tip the barber, huh?
[Sunny] Somebody make a
firing noise, it's kinda hard to do.
[crowd laughs]
[coughs]
Hey, you Don Juan, okay.
Get yourself a broad, okay?
And here, just in case you
want two chicks at once.
Take the whole thing.
Go ahead, all right?
[burps] Good.
[clinking]
- [wind swooshing]
- [Don Na laughs]
[Guppy] Fly!
[sighs]
It's so hard to talk with
all that shit in your mouth.
[crew laughs]
Baby!
[laughing] I think I farted.
I think I broke my arm.
[coughing]
Who cut the cheese?
[Guppy] Vafangeeni.
It sounds like Chinese
when you talk. Vafangoo.
[speaking gibberish]
Hey, who left this on?
Action!
[soft jazzy music]
[kissing]
[both moaning]
[chuckling]
[moaning]
[moaning]
[knife whooshes]
[stab]
- [both screaming]
- [tense music]
[upbeat rock music]
[gunfire]
- Forget about it.
- [guns cocking]
[gunshot]
[gunshot]
Sunny? Your fly...
Sunny, somebody's coming.
- [grunting, thud]
- [glass breaks]
[whistling sound]
Ohhh!
[thud]
[popping sound]
Sunny, tie your shoe!
[upbeat rock music]
I'm not paying for the room.
[thud]
[groans]
[yelling]
Sunny Calzone, you die!
- [Tracy Dick laughs]
- [car engine starts]
[tires screeching]
[grunts]
[thud]
[laughing]
Taxi, taxi!
- [mysterious music]
- [growling]
[thud]
[squeals]
[explosion]
[thud]
[screaming]
[thud]
[police sirens]
[Sunny's babe] Sunny,
Sunny, Sunny, tie your shoe...
Ohhh!
[thud]
[groans]
[sad music]
[jazz music]
[gunfire]
[Italian music]
[sobbing]
[Guppy] And that's how my life
got turned around forever.
My beloved older brother
Sunny, Sunny Calzone,
the heir to the Calzone famiglia,
was brutally murdered
by our enemies.
We was all there for the
sad event of his passing.
There was Bugsy...
Mama, Pop, also known
as the Oddfather
because he's my father and he's odd.
Sunny's girl...
[cashier sound]
And me, son number
three, Guiseppe Calzone.
But you can call me
Guppy, everyone does.
Shut up, Guiseppe.
Guiseppe, put a lid on it.
Guiseppe, shut up.
Well usually everyone does.
Ah, this certainly
is a grave occasion.
If you'll pardon the pun.
So then, ashes to
ashes, dust to dust,
Sunny got whacked,
and it's so unjust.
[camera shutters]
And thus it is, that we say
arrividerci to Sunny Calzone.
And it was Sunny who
warmed so many...
so many [clears throat] hearts...
[suspenseful music]
Please join me in
song as we remember.
I wish the Sunny
was shining today...
If Sunny were here everything
would be okay.
Sing along with me!
[all] I wish the Sunny
were shining today.
If Sunny were here
everything would be okay.
[all] If Sunny were here
everything would be okay.
[Father O'Connell] And now he's
gone and Sunny's dead and gone.
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
[Sunny] Hey!
[Father O'Connell] And we're
all here to cry and moan.
[all] And we're all
here to cry and moan.
[sobbing]
Take it easy. Take it easy,
will you. C'mon. Take it easy.
Hey!
[Oddfather] Take it easy.
[stones falling]
[Italian music]
It's a very sad day Don Calzone.
The Rodfather gives you
his deepest sympathies.
Well, ya know...
[indistinct mumbling]
[crying] Our number one son,
whacked with a shoelace.
Ah, the men who did this...
I curse them to hell
and beyond for eternity.
[thunder rumbles]
She's very upset.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I want you to meet
my number three son.
He's a good boy. A good boy.
[kiss]
You can call him Guppy.
Everyone does. Usually.
Nice to meet ya, Guppy.
[grunting] Mmmm, hand broken.
Mmmm...
Where's son number two?
We don't talk about son number two.
[mumbling]
[blows raspberry]
[whimsical music]
[bike bell dings]
[Guppy] This was my neighborhood.
[gunshots]
And this was the Calzone
compound, my home.
It didn't look like much from
the outside, but actually...
It was pretty nice.
But I had other
things to worry about.
Shocking as Sunny's death
was, I still didn't realize
just what it was
going to mean for me.
A huge challenge was about
to be put upon my shoulders.
A challenge that
would test me in ways...
- I never even thought of.
- [glasses clink]
I've been in love with you, Elaine,
ever since the first time I saw you
playing bass for your reggae band,
thumpin' out that Rasta beat.
And of all the fellas in
the audience that night...
- You picked me!
- [Elaine chuckles]
Elaine, it might be the champagne
talking, I don't know, but...
I think I'm going to...
I'm going to kiss you, Elaine.
[soft music]
[rattling]
Don't you ever knock, Bugsy. Hm?
Don't call me that!
Your father wants to
see you in the office.
Have you met, Elaine?
Don't judge me!
Baby...
Guppy's gotta go have a meeting.
- [whispers] You stay here.
- [kiss]
[chuckles]
[door opens]
Pop, Bugsy came in my room
without knocking again.
Silence!
We have more important
things to discuss.
This isn't about the
other night again, is it?
I just wanted to see what
pantyhose would look like on me.
- I don't care about that...
- [duck quacking]
I'm talking about the
future of this family.
Quiet down. Look at this.
Giving, giving, giving...
all the time.
Penelope, I'm very proud of you.
Alright, take a hike...
I got something to say to my son.
- [thud]
- Aw geez.
I'll tell you the truth, if
it wasn't for the eggs...
[whistles]
It's a crazy world we
live in, it's violent.
I keep trying to get out, but
they keep trying to pull me in.
- [stab]
- [Guppy] Oh, oh... Pop,
Oh... are you all right?
[groans]
- What was I saying?
- [duck quacks]
- Yeah, okay.
- [duck quacks]
Well now that Sunny is gone,
I want you to take over,
I want you to be the head...
I want you to be...
[echo] the Godson...
[heroic music]
Where the hell is that
music coming from?
Me? But, Pop...
Once the Calzone's were the biggest
syndicate in the whole world...
the whole wide world,
you understand?
But now with two sons dead
then we have grown weak.
We spent all our money on sex toys.
I've done some calculations,
and I have to tell you
that in six months,
where we're going,
we'll be bankrupt or we're
gonna be livin' in the streets.
Your mission is to
change the tide...
to save the Calzone family,
don't you understand?
We must focus our future.
Our future.
I don't know, Dad, this
is out of my league.
This is way too much.
I can't accept.
[quack]
If you don't I'm gonna take
this and put it some place
wherever time you dance
this is gonna hurt.
When do I start?
- [Oddfather] Now.
- Now?
You, lookin' at me?
You lookin' at me?
[Guppy] I was in a state of shock.
My whole life had just
been turned upside down.
What was I going to
do, I asked myself.
What am I gonna do?
I'm just not cut out to
be a mobster, you see?
I'm just not cut out to
be a mobster, you see?
Is there an echo in here?
[suspicious music]
[imitates gunfire]
[gunshot]
- [bullet ricochets]
- [glass breaks]
[thud, grunts]
I'll never be a gangster.
I'm a sissy. I'm gonna be a sissy.
Ya can't make a sissy
into a gangster.
[thump] I'll never be
as good as Sunny, never!
- [door opens]
- Oh.
- [knocking]
- Come in.
I was in the hall and I couldn't
help but hear you... ya know?
I don't know, Is it...
wait. C'mon over here.
Oh, Sunny... I miss him, too.
Look at those pictures.
[Italian music]
Oh Sunny, what a beautiful boy.
- [kiss]
- [groans]
We're gonna be so beautiful...
my boy.
- [thud]
- Oh I'm so sorry...
Oh, here come here.
Come, talk to me.
- [thud]
- Oh, Jesus.
Whatta my boy. I'm here for you.
You can help me become
a real mobster, Pop?
Yeah, that's what I meant when I
said I'm here for you, you know?
I have to tell you something...
you're my... you're my boy.
- [sobs]
- What's the matter?
- I think you're gonna hit me.
- I'm not gonna hit you.
What are you talkin' about?
I'm not gonna hit ya.
[thud] I can't help myself.
Ah, geez... it's the Italian way.
I'm expressing love,
don't you understand?
The first thing you have to do...
[grunts]
Is get off my foot.
- [gasps]
- [chuckles]
The second thing: you gotta
get some frickin' clothes.
You're not a bad lookin' kid.
You just need some
style, that's all.
A lot of style.
[sensual music]
- [car horn honks]
- [thud]
[grunts]
La, la, da, da, la...
Oh, monsieur, s'il vous plait.
Come on in... come on in... you're
going to look like a brand new man.
[chuckling]
Oooooh, you will see it.
[scissors whooshing, snipping]
Oh, no just joking... [laughs]
[upbeat rock music]
- [screams]
- Turn around. Oh!
Take it off.
Ah, the jolly green
giant's illegitimate son.
[chuckles]
[electric buzz]
Oh, what is this?
[laughing]
[whistling]
- Oh... What's that?
- What?
- What's that on your feet?
- [thud]
[salesman] They are the perfect
Scarfeet for you. There you go.
La Costra Nostra
always comes in here.
The grandson of Al
Capone came in here.
- This is nice.
- Ah... this is a...
This is a lighter.
Uh, oh...
Let me just... [choking]
Take a look, the material here
is made exactly from the pattern
and then this part came from
the caves of Zambia.
It's extremely sensitive.
Great for good shot.
- We're just gonna...
- [gunshot]
Oh God, oh, are you all right?
Oh no.
No don't shoot. Don't shoot the...
Dad...
Oddfather...
This is the most
wonderful day of my life.
- Yes!
- [thud]
Oh, geez.
[whimsical music]
[intriguing music]
Pop, you wanna know something?
I'm gonna be the best damn mobster
that ever walked this earth.
I'm gonna rebuild the family
up to its former glory.
[suspenseful music]
You want to know something else?
I'm gonna build up to new heights
that you never even dreamed of.
I'm gonna murder, I'm gonna pimp...
I'm gonna...
Steal candy from little kids
like nobody's ever done before.
- I'm gonna be the BEST!
- [thud, grunts]
I've been waitin' to hear this.
You can be a contender.
But you still got a lot to learn.
Woah... woah... [screams]
Free the bound periodicals! Free
the bound periodicals! [bell dings]
Free-- [thud]
[whimsical music]
[school bell ringing]
And don't just give it a light
tug, you've got to really pull.
[choking]
[gurgling]
See class... You've got to
really get in the joints
if you want a clean separation.
Otherwise, you're going
to be sawing all day.
[gasps]
There!
Pay attention people!
This is going to be on the test.
[gasping]
[retching, falls]
The biggest misconception is
that it's all in the arms.
But actually, it's all in the wrist.
[thud]
[thudding]
Good I think we've covered that.
Now class, I'm going to teach you...
Omerta. The Mafia law of silence.
[clock ticking]
I think we've covered that.
C'mon you dirty rat, you Lilly
livered fink. Where's the loot?
What're you the boss man?
Well you're not the boss of me, see?
You're nothing but a
double-crossing rat,
a Lilly livered
mama's boy flat butt.
What're you a tough guy?
How's about I take some sandpaper
and rub it on your genitals
till you cry like a two-dollar-whore
who broke a three-dollar nail?
Yeah.
[TV goes off]
Note his use of derogatory
monikers to his full.
For example he calls
him pigbreath. [chuckles]
Now on a internal level,
his emotional response
would perhaps be to feel
apprehensive, hopeless,
or even impotent in the face
of this dangerous situation.
To the viewer, however, and
more importantly to his enemies,
this man's Teflon exterior
remains seemingly unmalleable;
impervious to the peril.
Maybe he's sensitive class,
maybe he wants to cry, hum?
[chuckles]
Maybe he'd rather go home and
snuggle with his stuffed bunny,
but to do so would
mean certain death.
In sum, ladies and gentlemen,
what one needs to be a successful
employee of La Cosa Nostra
is an unshakable and
completely irrational
confidence in oneself.
[snoring]
Here, you try.
All right, then, you go ahead.
Come on, mister, leave me alone.
Who are you, Michael Jackson?
Come on!
Use a moniker of some
sort, pal, mug, pigbreath.
Do it again!
And just relax. Take a deep breath.
Back up, pigbreath! Or you'll
wake up breathing through a scab!
Better, but hardly
enough to really inspire
your average shakedown...
or intimidate.
Now class, disposing of a
body, chapter thirty-three,
you're going to see about lime.
- [thud]
- [professor] Lime. Basic components.
Shut up, pally.
Or I'm gonna take your diploma,
shove it up your ass and
nail it to your larynx.
- Yes!
- Yes?
- Yes, yes, yes!
- Yes, yes, yes!
- [all] Yes, yes!
- [clapping]
[laughing]
[whimsical music]
[intriguing music]
[Guppy] Now that I gotten
my bachelor's degree
in advance criminal science,
it was time to meet the
hard working men and women
of the Calzone crime family.
For years I'd wanted to meet them,
but I was always tied
up in the closet. [chuckles]
There was Carmen The Nose Chechea.
How ya doin'?
Tony The Lung Bananno.
He was tobacco lobbyist of course.
There was Jimmy The Wad Rialto.
I'm not sure where he got his name.
Everyone was there,
there was love in the air.
That's amore. [chuckles]
Hey, Amore.
I got to meet Veronica
Fuck You Tetranicci.
My Cousin Vinny.
Be sure to watch it.
It's a great flick.
It was beautiful.
These people didn't just
dream about drug-running,
savage and murder in a ritual
abuse of women, they lived it.
And now, I was one of them...
No, I was their leader.
For the first time in my
life, I was proud to be me.
[clicks]
Here ya go Mr. Wise fella,
Mr. Good Guy, you son of a bitch.
- Aw man.
- [device beeps]
So, Guppy, what do you
think of the family?
A bunch of wiseguys, huh?
Oh God, Father, they're good fellas.
[chuckles]
- [device beeping]
- [Guppy] This thing, ohh!
I was startin' to think
that being a Mafia chieftain
wasn't gonna be so bad after all.
No one had even
tried to kill me yet.
[beeping]
[explosion]
Wow what was that?
I don't know, but looks
pretty doesn't it?
- [Oddfather] Woah, woah...
- Very.
[tires screeching]
[printing]
[suspenseful music]
[man on speakerphone] Let
me make this clear, Angel,
if you want a career here in the
FBI you have to nail this cat.
I want to know his every move,
I want photos, I want reports.
I want to know every time he sits
down on the damn toilet, understand?
- But--
- The only but I want out of you,
Agent Hoover, is that
fuzzy little peach-like one
you hide under that skirt.
[laughs] Now get on it.
- Hoover?
- Yes, sir.
Don't screw up. The Director's
watching you on this one.
[hangs phone, disconnected tone]
[Chinese music]
[grunting]
You know something?
I'm very proud of you.
Now you've taken over.
[grunts]
Tomorrow you will meet all
the heads of all the families.
- Are you ready?
- I'm ready.
- [bones cracking]
- [Oddfather] Ah, see,
this is how I got Jake LaMotta.
I held him like this... till he
gave me all his tootsie rolls.
Yeah, I held him like this.
I never let him go. You know why?
'Cause he betrayed me.
[grunts]
Pop, whatever did happen to Frito?
[tense music]
I told you, I don't
wanna discuss that.
What could he have
done that was so bad?
He did the unthinkable,
he did the unimaginable,
he did the unforgivable.
He got a regular job.
[Frito] Red rum. Red rum.
Oh, my God. How could he?
[grunts]
Yeah well, I'll tell you the truth.
[gasps] It broke my heart.
[camera shutters]
[tense music]
They're all doing yoga, sir.
Yes, I know mobsters usually
don't do yoga, but, um...
well these ones are, sir.
- [man] Hoover, are you there?
- [Hoover] Shhh... sir,
hey, there's a strange
man here with a crossbow.
- [man] What?
- [grunts]
I'm afraid I've been hit sir.
Over and out.
[falls]
[Frito] Oops.
Mmmmm.
[sad music]
[Guppy] It was time for the annual
top secret shareholders meeting
of Murder, Incorporated.
I was gonna meet the most
powerful Dons in the country.
It was Don Juan De Marco.
I would love to get
to know you better.
Don Quijote. Don Ho. Don E--
Hey, forget about it.
Don King and Don Pardo.
I'd like to announce that
all guests are staying
at the Park Plaza Hotel.
Thank you.
Thank you, Don Pardo. Now beat it.
And finally I met him, the
most vile man in New York City.
The RODFATHER.
[mumbling]
[grunting]
Ah, Don Calzone.
I'm sorry to hear about
the death of your son.
[mumbling]
Ah, come on, speak up, will ya?
[mumbling]
Oh, that's better. Okay.
Okay, gentlemen.
I'm very happy that this
meeting is taking place.
And for the
conglomerations together.
And conjugating this way.
Especially that we're
doing it in peace,
it really makes my heart very happy.
Oh, eh, is this the
meeting of the Doms?
This is Dons, pal.
Doms are next week.
You wanna buy a book while I'm here?
- Pass.
- Your mother's ass.
[thudding]
[blows raspberry]
I appreciate your consolation
and your symphony.
Well listen, gentlemen, I
am old, I am frail and I am
losing control of my
bladder, big time.
Going down stairs is a bitch.
Therefore, my son Guppy,
here is going to take over
control of the Calzone family.
[all yelling] What...
Wait, wait, wait.
You will answer to him completely.
My son Guppy has all my condiments.
Is that clear? Thank you.
Good to see that everyone's here.
Now let's get down to business.
First of all... [screams] Oh shit.
[laughing]
[gunfire]
Ah man! Someone sabotaged my chair.
[laughing]
What the fuck?
I think I swallowed my toothpick.
Oh, it's wonderful
to meet you, Guppy.
Tell me, how long you
been outta the water?
[laughing]
Hey, Don King.
You look like you just
saw my wife naked.
[laughing]
A toast.
- L'chaim!
- [Don E. Brasco] Hey, forget about it.
[Guppy] And then I saw her.
The most beautiful Don of them all.
Don Na.
My friends are on the way.
I don't sit home and cry.
The most felonious babalonius
since Annette Funicello.
She was Juliet to my Romeo,
she was Delilah to my
Samson, Minnie to my Mickey.
Who is that goddess
gracing the stage?
She moves me.
I want her I want her I want her...
That my little forward
fish is my daughter!
In the most admirable way of course.
[chuckles]
I can buy my own perfume.
I can pick a rose or two.
If I need to cuddle
up, my pussycat will do.
Yes I'm happy you
don't love me anymore.
All right enough of that crap.
What are you bozos staring at?
[Rodfather] All right, sweetheart.
Come here.
I'm getting old too, my friends.
I'm going to be handing over
the reins of all my power
to my daughter here. Don Na.
[mic feedback]
Love me, or kiss my ass.
[Guppy] I knew by the
way she looked at me that
she was already in love with me.
Only problem was she was the
daughter of the rival famiglia.
The Sharks and the Jets.
The Montagues and the Caplets.
Greg and Marsha Brady.
Add another page to the agonized
history of star-crossed lovers.
I'm raising this glass in a
peace offering to Don Calzone.
Whaddya say we call a truce?
[gasping, mumbling]
You want peace? Peace it is.
[clapping]
I have to warn you,
if anybody puts their
hands on my son Guppy,
there will a be a
war, to end all wars.
- [Rodfather] A toast.
- [all cheering]
[glasses clink, clapping]
[chuckling]
Hey! [thud]
What's the idea with
the tongue there, jerky?
[mumbling to herself]
[Guppy] Well, that
certainly went well.
I was the chieftain,
the skipper, the king,
the big cheese, the head honcho.
I was the boss of the Mafia.
Ahhh, manga Bella.
Outta here?
- That's right, kiss my ring.
- [Oddfather snoring]
No, kiss it with respect.
- Mmmm.
- That's much better.
Very nice touch.
- [choking]
- Oh, Mama. Oh, Mama.
Are you choking? Are you choking?
Mama what should I do?
What should I do? Your stomach?
But if you're choking?
Oh, stop... Oh, Mama... Oh, geez...
Ahhh.
Oh, Mama... I'm so sorry.
I was practicing.
I want people to fear me.
Don't you worry, son.
You scare us all.
Thank you, thank you, mama.
That's all I want to hear.
Aw, what'd you wake me up for?
Get outta here. Leave me alone.
- Godson.
- Don't you ever knock, Bugsy?
Don't call me that!
All right. What should I call you?
Alice.
Alice it is then.
What do you want, Alice?
There's somebody here
that wants to see you.
- Who?
- [tense music, screams]
[clatters]
[Bugsy] This is Frito.
As in my older brother Frito?
Oh my God!
Oh my God! Frito's back home.
Aw, shit.
Welcome back, my brother.
Welcome back!
[sighs]
I ain't here to deliver
the mail, little brother.
I've come to take what
is rightfully mine.
Anything, anything
you want is yours.
- Anything? Anything? Anything?
- Yeah. Yeah. Really.
I want my position as the
rightful heir to this family.
Anything but that. [chuckles]
Let's be realistic.
- [Frito sobbing] Pop, Pop!
- Get away from me!
How can you make him the Godson?
Look at him, he's such a popagolch.
I'm older.
I deserve the throne to this family.
You can have Dad's Cutlass.
I don't want my father's Oldsmobile.
I want what is mine!
[throwing a tantrum]
[thud, grunts]
[breathing heavily]
[grunting]
[screeching]
What wackos...
Ow! No one likes that, Frito.
[tense music]
You will live to regret this.
Wherever you go, I'll be there.
Ow...
You walk the streets, I'll be there.
Scratched.
I'll be there.
C'est la vive.
What are you talkin' French for?
You're Italian.
[Guppy] Now that I'd taken over,
the Rodfather wanted
to have dinner.
Said he had a little plan,
wanted to talk to me about it.
Say hello to Tracy's Dick.
[chuckles] I mean Tracy Dick.
Nice to see you again Dick!
That's Mr. Dick to you. [grunting]
Bugsy, no!
Come on...
Let's go on with the meeting.
But let me say, I'm glad we
called this peace Don Calzone.
Ohh I just hope it lasts, is all.
[soft music]
- [retching]
- [chuckles]
- You think I'm funny?
- Yes, you are very funny.
- You think I'm funny?
- Is there an echo in here?
What does that mean, you think I'm
funny? Do you think I'm funny?
- Or do you think I'm funny?
- Look, I...
just thought what you
did was, you know, funny.
[gun cocks]
So now you think I'm funny, that it?
[laughs]
Now, that's funny,
the machine gun bit.
Good old-fashioned funny. [laughs]
You're not being funny,
you're being effing whacko.
Put away the piece
before you break a nail.
[gunfire]
Now, you think I'm funny?
Pop, she shot at me!
That's dames for ya.
Damn, I did break a nail!
[Oddfather] You guys must come
from a rough part of town.
Are you kiddin'? The one day
they raffled off a police car,
with two cops still in it. My
building... nothing but robberies.
Every time I close the window,
I hit somebody's fingers.
So what's the story morning glory?
Airplane glue.
There's a huge shipment coming
into the docks tomorrow night,
we want to steal it
and sell it to small children
throughout the nation.
We need your
protection, Don Calzone.
I'll give your protection.
Here ya go.
[puffing]
Here, take this.
[chuckles] Not that, Oddfather.
I mean...
Ohh, extra large.
Hey, Oddfather...
did I ever meet you in prison?
You look familiar, turn around.
Anyway we need your
influence with the police,
the unions, city hall,
you know what I'm saying.
The other families
would be very upset
if you were to deny us. Capice?
No thanks, I already ate.
But what do you want kids gluing
airplanes together for, huh?
It's not to build airplanes, idiots.
It's to sniff.
Like a dog meets another dog.
Capice?
Oh!
Oh...
That might kill them.
The cost of doing business.
Now let the men talk and shut up.
Speak to the hand, not the face.
Listen up Rodfather,
we ain't helpin' out any
airplane glue business.
Or any other kind of business
unless I say so, get it?
What? It's all set up!
I like kids, Roddy.
I don't see any reason to kill them.
Call off the deal.
Oddfather, your son's got
olive oil in his brain.
He's making a serious error.
Nevertheless, he's the one
who's making the decisions
and I agree with him because I feel
you shouldn't hurt children
till they're grown up.
Look, we're going into airplane
glue, with or without you!
Who cares?
Nobody tells the Godson what to do.
[scoffs]
Bugsy, let's go.
[Oddfather] Take me with ya.
Guiseppe Calzone...
I will break him...
I will break him
like a baby's finger.
[bone breaking]
[soft sensual music]
[Guppy] It was time to get down
to business. Make some money.
Restore the Calzone family.
Bugsy had the first great idea,
we'd open a little dancing palace.
He knew just the place, he said.
4334 Amsterdam Avenue.
But I bought 4334 and a half,
Amsterdam Avenue.
It was half priced.
It wasn't quite the
success I'd imagined.
For some reason none of
my Mafia friends came.
[rock music]
Can I stop now, for God's sake?
Sure, Judy. Take five.
And don't blame yourself
for the poor attendance.
You're a fine dancer.
[tense music]
All right then, nobody else's
gonna dance... then I will.
[Guppy] Yeah, it didn't do that
well as a business.
But it wasn't a total loss.
I did learn a few new dance steps.
- [dance music]
- [camera shutters]
[suspenseful music]
[people chattering]
[man on speaker] What
is this crap, Angel?
You expect this bring down the
most powerful man in the mob?
The Director's not impressed.
- Sir, I--
- [man on speaker] The only I
I want to see outta you, sugarpuff,
is that gorgeous blue one I
see when I wake up next to you.
[laughs]
Now you better get something better
unless you wanna be flipping
burgers by the end the week.
[disconnected tone]
Yeah, suck my toe.
That's it, suck it harder!
[chuckles]
Now look at that.
You've gone and made such a mess.
Bad boy, very bad.
[Guppy] Plan number two,
was a guaranteed winner.
Yeah, that's beautiful, baby.
Now put on my bra...
I had moved the family into
the telecommunicatory bidness.
Now take both jumper cables
and put them on each nipple.
People were calling by the hundreds.
We were gonna make a fortune!
- [man] Listen to what I say.
- He's coming this way.
Um, kiss it, yes I'll kiss it.
Uh-huh. What?
Give me the lollipop, daddy.
Yes, you can keep the
beer mug on my head.
Yes, I'll lick, lick, lick, lick,
lick, lick, lick, lick, lick...
Are you satisfied
you effin' pervert?!
Good job, good job.
- Bugsy?
- [grunts]
[gasps]
These 900 numbers are
a gold mine, Alice.
How much we making?
900? Did you say 900?
900, 800, what's the difference?
You told me, 800. You clearly said,
"Bugsy, I want you to set up
a buncha 800 dirty numbers."
Yeah, so what? It doesn't matter.
- [girl screaming]
- [phones ringing]
Oh, Alice, I'm so sorry.
Oh, Alice, you were right.
Oh, I suck, Dad.
- No...
- Oh, I suck.
Every plan I come up with fails.
I'll never rebuild
the family in time.
And I'll never be a good mobster.
Let's face life.
Listen to me.
You have two months left.
But you know what they
say, no falls no balls.
I know what everybody's thinking.
What?
- This guy ain't Mafia material.
- Naw.
This guy couldn't
organize a yard sale.
Naw...
This guy has premature
ejaculation problems.
No...
Why you should see a
mechanic, you know.
It could be the battery.
You never know.
What they're thinking is...
if only Sunny were alive.
Aw, geez. I miss him so much.
Okay, fellas, joke's over!
Funny! [laughing] I got it.
Now let me outta here.
[echo] Let me outta here!
- If only Sunny were alive.
- Yeah.
Hey, I wonder if we
should dig up his grave,
and see if he's really dead.
Maybe he's down there
living on worms,
praying we'll come and save him.
What are you crazy? No.
[chuckles] Guess I am a bit crazy.
- [chuckles] Yeah, so...
- Dig up his grave.
- Yeah, so...
- How much money would that cost?
[laughs]
- Oh, yeah.
- And the man hours.
A shitload.
[suspicious music]
[Guppy] Things weren't
going so great, I admit.
Every business venture I tried
was, well. a complete failure.
I'd blown 1.4 million dollars
learning the difference
between 800 and 900 numbers.
I was a failed Mafia chieftain,
people everywhere wanted me
dead, and I was still a virgin.
But all was not lost.
I still had plan number three.
My mama always said, if you can't
make money, marry into money.
And that's exactly
what I planned to do.
Romeo, Romeo...
[suspenseful music]
[Don Na] Romeo...
[blow, hit]
Aw, dude.
- [falls]
- Romeo?
Romeo?
[grunts, screams]
[falls]
Romeo, if that's you,
this isn't funny.
[sobbing]
- [dog barking]
- [Frito sobbing]
Where the hell are you, Romeo?
Right here, my precious.
Guppy?!
God, what are you doing here?
I've come to free you, my love!
[scoffs]
[chuckles]
[clears throat]
I've always wanted you, my sweet.
To run a feather across your feet.
To feel your soft lips
in a love-locked kiss;
I imagine heaven can't
be as good as this.
To live and never love you
is all I've ever feared;
to go through life and never feel
the touch of your downy beard.
I will sit on your very best chair.
I will rub your silky
soft chest hair.
To feel your muscles...
- [door opens]
- What is this?
Isn't that what you wanted?
Didn't you say, Bugsy get
me a book on light poetry...
Gay, light, joyful.
Okay, all right, fine!
No time for that now, thank you.
Hey, what's with the noise?
It's that damn Guppy Calzone again.
I'm gonna whack him, Daddy.
I'm gonna whack him.
Hey look, I've got my own problems.
Look at this, will ya?
And your mother wasn't
that nice either.
I told her I hurt my little
pinkie, she said it's all right,
we're not gonna have sex anyway.
[Don Na] Aw, come on, Daddy.
Can I whack him?
Just once?
Just kill him? Just once, please!
No, no, no... This is all
part of the master strategy.
You won't kill him.
You'll go out on a date with him.
A date?
Aw, you mean we could
always kill the Calzones,
but we'd make too many enemies,
therefore we must
destroy them, right?
- Right.
- Then you whacked Sunny.
God it must of been hard on you
to see a man like
that die without pain.
I've seen so many
guys die with pain,
I figured I'd break it
up a little bit you know?
Now, I make little Guppy the
Puppy fall in love with me...
and the Oddfather will have
no choice but to disown him.
Daddy, you're brilliant.
[chuckles] Oh, I know, I know.
[singing] Oh I live
for you, I really do...
- Come to me...
- All right, all right, all right...
I'm coming... God...
[Guppy] I took her to this
little place I know.
Most people couldn't get seats,
but they always have a table for me.
Well, it wasn't always the best
table, but it was a table...
Do I look fat to you? I say no,
not to me, but to everybody else.
To me you're just big boned.
I loved that big boned crap.
I'm not really fat,
I'm very big boned.
Isn't that amazing how you have
those big fat bones in your ass...
When does the real show start?
[scoffs]
You ever get these people...
[Guppy] When do we
get to the funny part?
Well you wanna go up, hey
you, come here! Give me that.
Get the hook! Get the hook!
[jazz music]
Hey, how ya doin'?
Hi, I'm Dom Irrera from television.
Nice to meet ya.
I appreciate your heckling, right...
You're a heckler, huh?
The clever heckler... I was up
there on stage, that's what I do.
I've worked my whole life for that.
I appreciate being
interrupted, I like that.
Kinda gives me something
to play off of, you know,
it's so funny, you're
so funny, I love that.
You know, people always ask
comedians what do you do
when somebody heckles you?
Some guys they have this like rapier
like whit, you know, very clever.
Other guys they make a funny face.
Me? I crack you in the face.
- [thud]
- [Guppy grunts] Oh God.
All right.
You deal with every
situation differently, folks.
You know some people... anyway.
Good act.
- Ad libber--
- [thud] Excuse me.
- [tense music]
- [grunts]
[laughing]
[bubbling]
Send this over, with my compliments.
[chuckles]
[Dom Irrera] Oh yeah, I'm sure the
girl would have to be a lesbian...
- [laughing]
- It's okay.
[waiter] As if I'd give
them the good stuff.
[cork pops open]
[scoffs] Mon Dieu.
Compliments of the
gentleman over there.
[tense music]
A little bubbly...
[sighs]
[choking]
[falls]
[people cheering]
Try this.
[burp]
Huh?
Oh!
[big burp]
[clapping]
No please!
[deep breath]
[giant burp]
[clapping]
Thank you. Thank you very
much, please sit down, please.
You are some kind of woman.
Well, thank you, Guppy.
Let's you and I blow this joint.
Let's have some real fun.
Yes.
Oh, yes... Yes...
[electronic music]
[car door opens] Welcome
to the Copacabanna.
[cheering]
[laughing]
Uh, I think you hit
that guy on the head.
Oh, yes, on the head.
Now I prefer children.
[laughing]
[dance music]
[cheering]
For me?
I want you to have it.
[camera shutters]
[saxophone music]
Oh, Guppy...
I've had such a wonderful evening.
He's such a yutz. But there's
something cute about him.
I've never known
happiness until now.
I wonder if she flosses regularly?
Guppy, there's so much we
don't know about each other.
I wonder if he knows about those
naked photos of me on the Internet?
One thing I do know is,
you're so handsome, so strong.
I bet she's a virgin, too.
I think I love her.
You look so pretty in the moonlight.
So delicate.
Mmmm...
Think baseball... Most strikeouts
in a game by a left-hander...
Oooops.
What?
It's nothing. It's nothing.
[chuckles]
[kissing]
[Rodfather] All right, jerky.
Take your hands off her.
[intriguing music]
Looks like we got some company.
Well, it's a good thing
I always carry my knife!
My keys... to get in my car.
I left my knife at home...
I used it a lot to woodshop.
[Guppy] Back up there, wiseguys!
- Guppy, don't!
- Okay...
[Don Na] Daddy...
I said, Get close to him.
I didn't say,
Try to lick the back of his throat.
Come here!
Oh, Pappa...
What-- Get your hands off me!
Ow! Ow my hair!
Come on, punks.
Show me what you got.
Whoop!
Whoop!
Daddy, if you kill him, I'll...
I'll never talk to you again!
I mean it too!
All right, cupcake.
Boys, don't kill him.
Just make him wish
he was dead.
Oh, yes!
[chainsaw revving]
[thudding]
Oh, no! Stop!
Use the jab, the jab!
Give him some low blows, low blows!
Guppy! I love you, Guppy!
I love you!
[thudding]
[chainsaw revving]
Deja vu!
- [yelling]
- [thudding]
- [soft music]
- [birds chirping]
Look at you now,
you little Guppy.
[fingers snapping]
Okay, could you
just tell her I called?
[Guppy] Times were tough.
I hadn't planned on spending
a week in the hospital.
And I hadn't planned on
falling in love with Don Na.
But she was once, twice...
several times a lady, actually.
Even worse, it looked like she was just
looking for a cheap thrill that night,
'cause now she wouldn't
return my calls or my letters
or my LP collection.
And how do you think I felt being
beat up in front of the woman I love?
[woman's voice]
I felt violated, emasculated.
Like all the dignity
I possess in the world
was stripped away in one
bold, life-changing moment.
[normal voice] I can't believe
how fast my beard grows!
It's 9 p.m.
and I have to shave again.
I am shaving twice a day.
Where was I... Oh yes!
Now on top of everything else,
I only have one
month to resurrect the Calzone family
to its days of former glory,
before we're dead broke
and living in the gutter.
What am I gonna do?
I don't suppose you can
come up with an idea?
I mean you've been
watching the whole shebang
and maybe you could
come up with a plan or...
never mind.
Sorry I brought the whole thing up.
Sorry.
Sorry I bothered you.
That was some fight, huh?
My knife! [laughs]
That was pretty good.
Hey! Hey!
Maybe you'd like to buy
some Godson merchandise?
It would mean so
much to poor old Mama.
Buy the Guppy action figure doll!
Bang, bang, bang, Ken!
Bang, bang, bang, Barbie!
Your kids would love it. Wait!
Oh, watch out. Here comes the...
Godson dinosaur!
Oooh, he loves your ears!
For $19.95 you can
buy the whole thing!
[Guppy] Oh, well,
let's get back to work.
Fact is, a couple of my ideas
just hadn't panned out--
But don't worry.
I still have
one plan left up my sleeve.
[gun clicks]
Let me draw a map of the bank.
We come in here, we hit 'em
hard here... and we exit here.
My contact tells me there's
nothing in there but liquid gold.
Wads and wads of liquid gold.
You have the escape
route memorized, Mama?
Okay.
What we do is we go down Landsdown
and turn right at Davenport.
Unless of course traffic's bad,
then what you're gonna want to do is
go down Steele's Avenue.
If you want, we can go
down Wellsley, it's very scenic,
specially this time of year
when the leaves are falling.
Okay... Okay! I know where it is!
- Ready?
- Ready!
Ready.
- Let's do it!
- Let's do it!
Let's do it. [cocks gun]
[tense music]
[upbeat action music]
[Guppy]
Everybody on the floor now!
[Bugsy] Get down now!
[gunshots]
[Bugsy]
Guppy! [shots twice] This way!
- Get up!
- Get down!
- Get up!
- Get down...
Hey, are you guys
rappers or something?
No, we're your worst effin'
nightmare! Now get up!
Up, down, up, down...
Make up your minds!
Put all the money in here, now.
But we haven't got any!
Give everything you
have, and put it in this bag,
or I'm gonna give
you a bullet sandwich!
But without the bread, the lettuce
and mustard I think...
Mmm-hum. [mumbles]
It's going very well, I think.
Here!
- Thank you very much.
- Mm-hm.
I'll give you a call sometime.
[chuckling] Well, okay...
Mm, mm, mm, I don't want to
be there when that starts to melt.
I got 'em, sir.
I got 'em this time.
They're robbing a bank.
I'm going after them.
[groans]
[groans]
- [alarm ringing]
- [guard] Mm?
[tires screeching]
Hey! Hey, come back here!
Yeah... it was kinda disgusting
when we found out, actually.
I do admit that.
- Center and insert.
- Thank you very much.
- [singing] Oh, give me a home...
- Home...
- Where the buffalo roam...
- Roam...
And I'll show you
a house full of... [laughs]
I guess I'm nothing
but a loser, Pop.
Every single thing
I try fails miserably.
Fails, fails, fails...
Naw, don't say that.
All you have to do is think
how people are successful,
who are they,
and then duplicate what they do.
Okay, okay.
Who was the best
at stealin' money?
Politicians got that down pat. [laughs]
Politicians. Maybe that's it!
What would you do
if you were the president?
First thing I would do...
is I would take a run,
stop at McDonald's,
then I would shake people down.
But how does the president
shake people down?
Oh, that's so easy.
You just rent out the Lincoln room.
- You don't have a Lincoln room!
- There's always a catch.
- Fund-raisers...
- Bugsy!
- Bugsy caught a live thing!
- Wow!
- Hi, Bugsy. Wow!
- [animal snarls]
Fund-raisers... that's it!
We'll hold a fund-raiser.
And we'll charge like two
thousand dollars a plate.
- Five thousand.
- Ten thousand dollars!
Twenty thousand. We'll get rich
and famous just like in the movies.
Like in the movies, eh?
- [ding]
- I just got an idea!
[Guppy] It all suddenly
became clear to me.
I didn't just need to
make us rich again.
I needed to get
us out of this life.
To take the family legit.
Sure a fund-raiser was a great idea,
but it needed something more
to become a truly great plan.
It needed... Hollywood.
Hollywood!
[Guppy] Hollywood!
I'll tell you what.
You tell her we pass,
and we're to get
a two-week freebie
at Camarillo Mental Institute
for deranged actors... you're right.
Hold on a minute.
Look, I'm sorry, kid,
to disappoint ya, Groupy...
Guppy.
- Gruppy.
- Guppy.
Guppy, let's get
something clear, all right?
- I'm not gonna sell...
- [woman screams]
Nice talkin' to ya. You be well.
I know you're a
reasonable man, Mr. Green.
So, when you change
your mind, call me.
But I warn you,
my offer expires
the night of the 25th.
[mumbling]
Mr. Green... Mr. Green, I'm...
You won't believe it.
I've got a whacko
in my Jacuzzi here,
and he's floatin' around
like a goddamn whale.
I don't know what to do.
Could you turn the
whirlpool off?
Get him outta here. Please.
Is somebody by a knob that can
turn off the whirlpool? I mean...
- [camera clicks]
- [horse neighing]
- [man groans]
- [horse neighs]
[dramatic music]
[horse neighing dramatically]
Son of a bitch!
[echoing scream]
[ominous music]
[car horn honks]
Honey!
You forgot to
pay the rent again!
Oh!
[sobbing]
[gasps] Nah!
- [thud]
- [gunshot]
[Frito screams]
- What happened?
- I shot my friggin' ear off!
Oh, honey, I'm sorry...
- Wait! There it is.
- [Frito groans]
- Sit down.
- What?
- I said sit down!
- I can't hear you!
Oh! I said sit down!
I'll grab some thread!
Oh! Ow!
[yelling] Look, honey,
you got a letter!
Yeah, I can hear that.
Oh, sorry...
What the hell's that-- Ow!
Oh, I'm sorry, baby!
What the hell is this?
Please join me for a
party to benefit-- Ow!
Oh, I'm doing the
best I can here.
- The retired mobster's association?
- Ooh!
- Saturday the 25th? [groans]
- Ooh!
Twenty thousand dollars a plate?
Cash only? Please BYOB.
BYOB? Oh, bring your own bitch.
Honey, you can come.
Oh, thank you.
No cans, bottles,
or semi-automatic weapons. [groans]
Sincerely yours,
Giuseppe Calzone.
There, I'm finished!
It's almost as good as new.
[Frito] Twenty
thousand dollars a plate?
He's gotta be nuts!
[chuckles]
Fine.
Fine!
I'll go to your stinking party.
I'll go to your party, 'cause
that's where I'm gonna get
what is rightfully mine!
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Honey, if it's twenty
thousand dollars a person,
where on earth
are we gonna get...
Two and two, carry the one...
Thirty thousand dollars!
I ask you.
[ominous music]
Back to the night job.
[dramatic brass notes]
Yes, sir, I repeat,
they are having a party celebration.
[man] The only party
I want to hear about, fruitlips,
is the one in my pants. [laughs]
Shut up, sir. That's it!
I have had enough of this!
I quit!
Forget the law! This one's personal.
What are you doing?
For two years you've
had me doing this bullshit!
That's it I've had it!
[man]
I love you! I can change!
[spooky music]
[diabolic screams]
Oh, Don Na, my dear, guess what?
Papa... Oh, papa!
Let me out of here, Daddy.
Please, please!
Now what are you complaining about?
You've got it better than everybody.
I mean look how big your cell is!
Yeah, it's kind of big.
But there's no air conditioning!
So, guess what?
It looks like our friend, Guppy
Calzone, is having a little fiesta.
Guppy?
You ruined the master strategy.
Now it's time for plan B.
We whack the son of a bitch!
No, papa! Don't do it, papa!
Per favore!
I love him!
Well, how could you
love a man like Guppy?
Well it sounds like a side dish.
Hey, waiter. Let me have a
steak, and a side order of Guppy.
[speaking Italian]
Ah, stop complaining.
Meanwhile, I'm out there
knocking myself out for ya.
And I think I can get
a TV put in here for ya.
- No cable!
- No cable?
Here I'll tell ya a story, okay?
Daddy came over to say hello,
and now daddy's saying goodbye.
No, papa!
[scoffs]
[speaking Italian]
Oh, damn!
Not again!
[Guppy] Twenty thousand
smackeroons a plate?
I was gonna make a fortune!
This was a bigger racket
than a Streisand Concert!
It was all part of my plan.
The greatest plan a
mobster had ever come up with.
[man] This house is
much bigger than it looks.
[Bugsy] Ms. Sue Honor.
[Guppy] Hey, it's an effing palace!
- [detector beeping]
- Hey! Those are expensive!
Joey Buttafuoco.
- Buttafuoco. Okay.
- Buttafuoco.
- [detector beeps]
- Over here.
[detector beeps]
That way, please.
- [upbeat jazz music]
- [indistinct conversations]
[man grunts]
I like the way you talk.
I was just thinkin' how you
might like a can of potted meat.
- Pay attention.
- [camera shutter clicks]
Well...
Welcome, welcome one and all.
And also, [wails] welcome,
welcome one and all.
Oh, [slaps] you're so beautiful!
[chuckles]
You like that one, Joey?
I don't know.
I gotta tell you I was in there,
and that dog just won't hunt.
Mr. President, how
about that one?
Oh, yeah. I like her.
I got her number, you want it?
- Sure!
- Terrific.
[upbeat accordion music]
- [ominous music]
- [camera shutter clicks]
Hey, the twins are here!
And they got a date!
Oh!
It's all poison, fellas.
It's all poison.
Uh, I feel your pain, Joey.
I understand.
[shuriken swooshes]
- Hey Joey!
- [groans]
Sure, I'll dance with ya...
Sure, sure.
You're light on your feet, actually.
One, two...
You know you don't look so good,
maybe you should take a little rest.
- Sit in the chair. There, there.
- Oh!
Must be the canolis.
- What's your name, huh?
- Sue.
Sue, huh?
Well, you can sue me anytime!
[ominous music]
Frito, honey...
Are we gonna go inside?
[snarl]
We're just sitting out here...
I'd like to go into the
party and have some fun!
Meet your little brother.
[snarl]
Honey...
[laughs]
- Boing!
- What! What! What!
- [Frito] Yeah, baby.
- Yeah, baby.
We're gonna have a swell time,
swell time, swell time tonight.
A swell time.
- Mmmmm, mmm.
- You're hurting me.
Would you like to see my
Washington Monument, huh?
You pig!
- I think you had one too many, lady.
- Hey!
- This way.
- [Sue] Stop it!
That girl's got spunk.
I like a spunky girl.
Sorry about that, Mr. President.
Don't worry about it.
Would you like
some barbecue pork jowls?
Okey-dokey!
- To the pit, shall we?
- To the pit!
[groans]
Tara! [sighs]
I used to live here once, Goldy.
[coughing]
Now, they wouldn't let
me clean their sewer pipes.
- What?
- Let go of me, you incredible hulk.
- [Sue screams]
- [bang]
[boomerang swooshes]
- Capice?
- Sure, thanks.
[groaning]
Where's the matzoh balls?
We're all out.
What?
[thud]
Listen up and listen good.
I don't wanna hear that
we're out of matzoh balls,
or any other kind of balls.
What the hell's
happening back here?
I'm sorry, Guppy.
I'll try harder.
Back to work.
[swoosh]
Frito, I'm so glad you came.
Hey, you brought a date!
Very nice.
[giggles] Thanks! I'm Goldy.
Pleased to meet you, Goldy.
- Say, that's a nice locket.
- [Goldy] Mmm.
Wait a second.
Haven't I seen you
before at 42nd Street?
I was on my way to...
the Metropolitan Museum.
That's right, I like the arts--
That's all right,
Guppy, you can say it.
You paid to put your
spanky in my muffin,
but all you wanted
to do was talk.
I like to chat.
So I guess that Frito knows
that you're a prostit-- [laughs]
That you're a
prost-- [clicks tongue]
That you're a pr-- [gasps]
That you're a p-- [gasps]
That's right. I'm a whore.
[solemn music]
Ya see, I'm the hooker
with a heart of gold.
Every Hollywood
movie has to have one.
And even though
I let perverse, smelly old men
do whatever they want to my body,
deep underneath
I'm a sweet, loving, emotionally
supportive young woman
with a lot of smarts
and panache.
And of course,
I'm breathtakingly beautiful!
Just an unpolished
diamond, really.
That's really terrific.
I hope everything works out for you.
Oh thanks. I'm sure it will!
And Frito, we should talk soon.
Mano e mano.
- [thunder rumbling]
- [dramatic music]
[frogs croaking]
[ominous piano note]
- [thud]
- Oh!
- [bang]
- Oops!
[Frito screams]
[fire crackling]
[Rodfather] Remember,
you provide the diversion, capisce?
No, I'm Tony. Tony Montana.
All right.
Okay, all right. Okay.
Okay, amigos.
He provides the diversion,
then we go in.
See the idea is let me get
this guy out of the picture,
know what I mean?
Then I'll own the whole city.
Then I'll control uptown,
downtown, Motown. Capisce?
I know, your name is Tony, I know.
[farting]
My flower is dying.
[sniffs]
Does the word moderation
mean anything to you?
Uh, what are you, some kind
of a little sheep? Flock you, man!
Well, flock you too, pally.
No, no, no, flock you!
Flock you!
I think it's time
I show you the door, eh?
Yeah, well flock that, man.
Huh! Flock that! Huh!
[yelling indistinctly]
[gunshots]
[yelling indistinctly]
The Rodfather wants to
see hustle out there, amigos.
I want to see commitment.
The guys who win are the ones who
play hardest till the whistle blows.
Who takes a machete to the gut!
Even though their intestines
are dripping all over the floor.
Are we ready?
[all] Uh...
I said, are we ready!
[all] Yes! Yeah!
Nobody flocks with me!
Look at you now, you little flock!
I'll show you a real flock!
[gunshots]
Ah, ah, ah!
[dramatic silence]
- [splash]
- [groaning]
Cool!
- [ominous music]
- [alarm blaring]
[kissing]
Hey, let's put some
life in the party!
[gunshots]
[Rodfather laughs]
[opera music starts playing]
[heavy gunfire]
[bang]
[glass breaking]
Flock you!
[gunshots]
[groaning]
[gunshots]
[glass breaking]
[gunshot]
[sings high-pitched opera note]
Whoo!
Vaffanculo!
[people screaming]
[thudding]
- [gunshot]
- [groaning]
All right, Freddie.
[Guppy] Ta-da!
Twenty thousand dollars
from every guest here.
Well, thank you. Thank you.
[gunshot]
You sign right here, my boy.
[Guppy laughs]
- Yes!
- Terrific, terrific.
[speaking Italian]
[thudding]
I wouldn't have really shown
those pictures to anyone, Freddie.
Guppy, I know that.
[chuckles] Don't you understand?
This is the best thing
that's ever happened to me!
The town was eating
me alive anyway.
[groans] Guppy!
[Freddie] If you think the Mafia's tough,
kid, wait till you get to Tinsel Town.
See you in Tahiti, Guppy. Ciao!
Ow! Ow! Ow!
[groans]
[tires screeching]
[opera music playing]
Ah, all this will be yours some day.
[groaning]
[shrieks]
[Guppy] Stop! [echoing]
Let's make love... not war!
[indistinct chatter]
[man] Guppy for president!
- [people cheering]
- [all] Guppy! Guppy!
- [dog barking]
- [all] Guppy! Guppy!
[jazz music starts playing]
Guppy! Oh!
Tesoro mio!
You didn't answer my calls.
Some of them were long distance.
Oh, I never received them!
Daddy chained me to a wall!
Oh, thank God!
I thought you'd forgotten about me,
never wanted to see my face again.
Oh, Guppy!
That would never happen.
You're my sweet little angel
Sent from heaven above us
Hey, cut that out!
You have wronged me, Guppy.
First you hurt my business,
then you take my daughter.
You want uptown,
you want downtown.
Next thing I know you'll
take a leak in Central Park
and tell me from now on
it's your territory.
Guppy, you have disrespected me.
You have disgraced the family.
And now you're
sleeping with the enemy.
And you have wronged
me too, little brother.
- Me too!
- And you owe me six bucks!
Four bucks!
[overlapping dialogue]
All right, all right, you've
all got grievances. I get it.
Rodfather, your daughter
is a perfect woman.
And I love her.
I love, love, love her.
Aww, geez.
I love her so much that...
I love you.
Hey, stick to her, will ya?
How could I not?
She's in your image.
She got that little twinkle
in her eyes from you.
- Your strong but soft cheeks.
- [romantic Italian music]
The little way you
play with your hair.
Look, he's doing it! He's doing it!
I love that little
laugh of yours.
[laughs]
The cute dent in your
chin that just kills me.
There's a lot to love.
- Guppy?
- Hmm?
- Guppy!
- Leave him alone, will ya?
Go ahead, finish.
Where was I?
I love her, blah, blah, blah...
Yes!
Now, as far as the business goes,
I got a plan.
A plan for us all.
What's the plan?
I'm taking the
families legitimate.
What?
[Guppy] That's right!
For the first time, we can walk the
streets like citizens, not criminals.
We can go to court for
traffic tickets, not Murder One.
We can make love to our women
without charging credit cards.
We can break wind, not fingers.
Who is this guy?
We can choke the chicken
and not our enemies necks.
- We can--
- Basta, basta. What's the plan?
- Movies, Pop! Movies!
- [indistinct mumbling]
- [man snarls]
- [woman screams]
With the money
we earned tonight,
plus the money you've earned for
the past fifty years of hard work,
I just bought us a company.
[man] Oh my God!
[Guppy] A movie studio, Pop!
We're gonna be producers.
- Hey, Pop! Don't shoot.
- [Guppy] Sunny!
Aw, geez!
I thought you killed this guy!
I thought I did, too.
Hey, why don't you call
me if something goes right?
I thought you--
I thought you were dead.
I thought you was dead.
Geez, how you been.
Well I been all right.
I ate worms for six months.
- Come here! Give me a kiss.
- It was kinda hard.
You smell like you look.
Maybe later, we'll hug later.
You should've told me
you were coming back!
I would have had dinner for you!
- Yeah.
- Aw, geez.
- You know, Pop.
- What?
I'm just glad I got back in time
to see the Calzone family go legit.
The silver screen, Pop.
It's a more brilliant plan than
even I could have come up with.
Just think we'll make
soft core porn, erotica,
and we'll sell it the Japanese...
and then cable!
We'll be rich again!
My boys!
Do what you want, Don Calzone,
but I can't forgive these two.
They have betrayed me!
Listen up, Rodfather.
I've got an offer for you.
An offer you can't reuse.
Retool.
An offer you can't refuel.
- [Sunny] What?
- [Don Na] What?
An, uh...
Follow me!
Refuse, refuse!
An offer you can't--
Baby!
[suspenseful music]
[Bugsy] So the deal is...
if you win, you get the girl.
If you win, you get to
electrocute him repeatedly.
- Yeah!
- Plus you get--
[Don Pardo] A eureka
upright vacuum cleaner!
- A thirty-seven cycle dishwasher!
- Okay, okay!
The card's are dealt.
Let's play.
The higher card wins.
Each of you get one
chance to trade in your card
or you can keep the one
that was given. Ready?
[laughing]
[clock ticking]
I'll trade.
[card thuds]
[laughs]
Hit me.
- [thud]
- [Don Na] Hey!
On second thought, I'll stick.
Show us your cards!
[suspenseful music intensifies]
Beat this! King of spades!
- [gasping]
- [Goldy] Oh!
I have a one.
Well, I guess that's the
end of the Calzone family.
[sad trumpet melody]
[man]
What happened?
Wh-- what's going on?
[paper being ripped]
I don't-- I--
I don't understand. What--
That's the, uh,
the end of the movie?
Yeah!
Let me ask you something.
Are you retarded?
No, I'm... the writer.
Mm. [scoffs]
[chuckles nervously] Let's, um,
let us think this through.
Think... Academy Award.
"Platoon", "Schindler's List",
"Roger Rabbit".
These are complex films.
Dark, and edgy, and full
of irony and ambivalence.
You know, I love ambivalence.
It's full of real meaning, like life!
I love the stuff with
the guy and the--
With the shoes,
but I feel like...
we're missing something.
A message?
Environmental issues?
The frailties of
the human heart?
Dolphins?
[bang]
Lesbians.
[laughing]
I mean, not in a demeaning
or a derogatory way.
I'm just saying, you know,
like a '90s lesbian.
Bright, intelligent, big tits.
Supermodels.
Supermodels that like each other.
- [woman 1] Baby, kiss me.
- [woman 2] Oh, I'd love to!
[laughing, moaning]
[Bugsy] Say, boss.
An ace is worth an eleven.
I know that.
So that means, I have an... Uh...
- Eleven?
- An eleven?
Hey, I win!
[people cheering]
It's all your fault, Dick!
[Oddfather] Oh, oh!
[Guppy] Hey, you're
a priest, aren't you?
Yes, I certainly am.
- Can you marry us?
- Yes! Oh, yes!
Oh, all righty. Um...
Do you, um...
Yes, oh yes!
- And do you...
- You got that right, pally.
Well, that was easy.
Ah, then by the
power vested in me,
I now pronounce you
mobster and moll.
[all] Aw!
[cheers and applause]
[upbeat Italian traditional music]
[kissing]
[chuckles nervously]
Uh, G-- G-- Guppy?
Yes, my precious?
Guppy?
[slap]
[chuckles nervously]
Uh...
[glasses breaking]
[laughing]
[cheers and applause]
[Guppy] And that's
how I became the owner
of my very own
Hollywood movie studio!
I'd restored the Calzone
family to its former glory,
and taken it legit along the way.
[birds chirping]
[Guppy] Here you go.
That's too much.
I've changed my
mind, that's too much.
[dramatic brass notes]
[Guppy] I'd married
the woman I loved
and I was pretty sure I was
gonna lose my virginity soon too.
Anyways.
It all happened one
crazy and tumultuous year.
The year of living
dangerously, some might say.
Come on, I'll show you around.
[thud]
We're gonna make
Sunny here, an action star.
And... action!
[engine revving]
[tires screeching]
[bang]
That wasn't supposed to happen!
- [suggestive music]
- Very bad boy.
[Guppy] Frito was becoming
quite an exciting young director.
Look like you're
enjoying it, Bugsy.
Don't call me that, Frito!
You little pip squeak!
Perfect!
[Guppy] And the Rodfather,
well, he lost the bet
and he lost seven million dollars
on that misguided
airplane glue deal.
I did give him a job, though.
Look at this, mopping floors.
I should have
listened to my parents.
And today I could've been
a body and fender man.
[Guppy] Mama here is
the top dog at the company.
She says she was tired of
cooking, and cleaning, and such
and wanted to run a major motion
picture studio, so I said, "Sure!"
- [woman screams]
- Hey! Take it easy, will ya?
And I'm not wearing a seat belt.
I'm sorry, Mama Calzone,
but I can't seem to find
today's Variety anywhere.
- What? Are you gonna take this?
- No, I'm not.
- Get out of here.
- [gunshots]
[screaming]
Pop, Pop! Cut that out, Pop!
We're legit now, Pop!
You can't just whack
somebody for making a mistake.
Ah, what's the difference?
She couldn't find Variety.
I don't think I want to work
for you people anymore.
Oh, I think you will,
unless you want to see
your cute little kitty-cat
end up at the bottom
of the Los Angeles River
with a set of Ginzu
knives in his skull.
[crying] Not my little Pippie.
Get to your desk.
We can still whack pets.
[cat meows]
[solemn Italian music]
- Can I have one more go?
- [director] No.
I don't feel good
about that one.
That was great! That was fun!
We got it, it was perfect!
We didn't get it. Who are you?
You don't know
anything about directing.
[coughs]
[quack]
- Vafangoo.
- Vafalinga!
- No, vafangoo.
- Vafungee.
- Vafangoo!
- Vafunga!
You seem to have
trouble with your vowels.
Vafunga!
- Vafangoo.
- Vafan-ooh.
Would you repeat
that for the West coast?
- I'm trying!
- Va-fan-goo.
Vafunga...
Fire!
[spitting]
Awww, gee...
I guess it was
a bigger wound than I thought.
Ah, here, Don Quijote,
get yourself a new hat, will ya?
And here get yourself
a shave too, okay?
Here, don't forget
tip the barber, huh?
[Sunny] Somebody make a
firing noise, it's kinda hard to do.
[crowd laughs]
[coughs]
Hey, you Don Juan, okay.
Get yourself a broad, okay?
And here, just in case you
want two chicks at once.
Take the whole thing.
Go ahead, all right?
[burps] Good.
[clinking]
- [wind swooshing]
- [Don Na laughs]
[Guppy] Fly!
[sighs]
It's so hard to talk with
all that shit in your mouth.
[crew laughs]
Baby!
[laughing] I think I farted.
I think I broke my arm.
[coughing]
Who cut the cheese?
[Guppy] Vafangeeni.
It sounds like Chinese
when you talk. Vafangoo.
[speaking gibberish]
Hey, who left this on?
Action!