The Golf Specialist (1930) Movie Script

Ever since you came down here to
Florida, you've positively ignored me.
- I never saw anything like it. You men are all alike.
- But...
Well, I think you're a naughty,
mean man, to make poor itty me cold.
- I'm not gonna let you go without me.
- Why...
Seen my wife around?
So, it's you, is it?
I've been laying for you...
for the last three or four days,
- Now I'd like to see you.
- Murder!
- You can't do this to me!
- I can't? I'm doin' it.
- You're gonna get in a lot of trouble.
- Help! Help!
- I'd say the same to you, if you take advantage.
- Murder! Help!
Say, can't I leave you
alone for one minute,
without one of these guys
trying to flirt with you?
Now, if any of these birds
annoy you, just let me know.
Yes, hubby dear.
Gee, did you see what he did
to that poor fellow?
Boy, that house detective's
wife is going to get some guy murdered.
She'll flirt with anybody
that wears pants.
Not me, little bright-eyes.
- I'm going to join your party.
- Yeah?
Well, of all the nerve...
Hey, you. Is there a gig by the name
of J. Effington Bellwether...
camping in this joint?
- Mr. Bellwether is out.
- Well, he'll be out like a light...
if he don't come through
with the 40 bucks he owes me...
for taking him out
in me fishing boat.
Why, the chiseler's been
giving me the runaround for me dough!
And I'm gonna take it
out of his hide.
You tell the big lob that.
Mr. Bellwether is a guest in this
hotel. I can't deliver any such message.
- But if you care to, leave him a note.
- Well, I've brought me thumb.
Will youse write it out for me?
Certainly. Pleasure.
Well, commence, then.
"Dear Mr. Bellwether:
"Listen, you four-flushin'
horse collar.
"If you don't come through
with the jack you owe me,
"I'll knock your
sappy-lookin' block off.
"There ain't no heel like you...
"gonna put nothin' over on me...
"without gettin' a knuckle massage.
"Affectionately Yours,
Deep Sea McGurk, alias
the Slaughterhouse Kid."
Finished. You know...
Don't forget and give
that baloney Bellwether next.
- Okay.
- Hey.
Happy days are here...
Hello, Walter.
- How do you do, Mr. Bellwether?
- Any telegrams, cablegrams, radios...
- Televisions...
- Yes, sir. A little note.
A little note?
Thank you, Walter.
Thank you, my bonny boy.
J. Effington Bellwether,
that's me.
Silly little girl.
Dangerous things,
those lighters.
I bought one in
Copenhagen one time.
It was a combination
cigar lighter and matchbox.
The matches were very good.
- Hey, mister!
- Hello little boy. I'm...
- Would you give me a dollar?
- It's a little girl.
Hello, little girl.
How old are you?
Five years old.
- Five years old!
- Would you give me a dollar to put in my bank?
I'll give you a dollar
to put in your bank...
- If you'll sing me a song.
- Give me the dollar first.
You're more than five.
Go on, get out of here.
- Come on. Gimme a dollar.
- Come on, scram. Oom-scray. Get away.
I don't care.
I got $50 in my bank already.
- You have $50 in your bank?
- Yes.
Probably has a pin
sticking in her, yes.
Well, well, Mr. Bellwether.
What are you doing down in Florida?
I was, just
negotiating for a bank.
- That's your little girl?
- I don't know whose little girl it is,
but she's trying to get money out of me.
She's a wonderful
little child, though.
I was just playing
with her silken hair.
- You can lift me up by my hair if you want to.
- Just as silk and beautiful...
"I can lift her up
by her hair if I want to."
- She's as game as a pebble.
- Lift me up!
Look at that!
Isn't it wonderful?
It really is remarkable.
And light as a feather.
Come on! Lift me up! Lift me up!
She wants me to do it again!
You know, it really is
something to be proud of.
Yes, it's marvelous, you little minx,
you... you wonderful little gal.
- Lift me way up!
- Wants me to lift her way up.
Wants me to show it
to everybody in the hotel. Look.
Why, it's little...
Say, was that guy
trying to flirt with you?
You big silly, there hasn't been
a man anywhere near me.
Don't try to kid me. If I catch
him playin' around you again, I'll...
- pulverize him!
- You're such a big brute!
Now, if any of these fellows
make any wise cracks to you,
just tip me off!
All right, Daddy dear.
How do you do?
I beg your pardon.
Rather silly of me, wasn't it?
Now, was that your father?
- No.
- And he was about to strike you?
Well, perhaps he would have,
if you hadn't been here.
Why, the great hulking brute.
You know, I've never
struck a woman in my life.
- You haven't?
- Not even my own mother.
I could see that
you were the very soul of kindness.
I'm very kind,
but of course I can be cruel
if needs be.
- You can!
- A veritable tiger!
But you have courage
written all over you.
It's the laundry marks, dear.
They're going to play golf.
It must be wonderfully romantic
and secluded out on the golf course.
It's a marvelous game.
I'm going to play this afternoon myself.
- Would you like to join me?
- I'd love to!
- Do you play?
- No. I wouldn't even know which end of the caddy to use.
But you do know
something about it.
Permit me.
Thank you.
I just love it out here.
- So nice and green and everything.
- Yes, it is.
Rather "park-y"
this morning, though.
I have never been on such a crowded
golf course in all my life.
You little sissy.
Did you bring a ball with you?
Now, stand clear,
and keep your eye on the ball.
Everything is form.
This is what they call
the "explosion shot" from the tee.
It won't hurt you.
It won't hurt you at all.
Stand clear, boy.
Wrong club.
- What?
- Wrong club. Try this putting niblick.
A "putting niblick"?
Really, the little chap doesn't
understand the nomenclature of the game.
Now, stand clear, boy,
and keep your eye on the ball.
No, I have it.
It's all right. Stand clear.
It's all right. Come here.
Stand back here. He gets
all hot and bothered about nothing.
I lost a very dear friend
in the Canary Islands many years...
What are you doing
with a club like this in the bag?
Don't play with these clubs.
I lost a very dear friend in
the Canary Islands many years ago.
- How dreadful!
- Chap by the name of Pumphrey Pothelwhistle.
- What a funny name.
- He's one of the Pothelwhistles from Twickenham.
If you've ever been
to Twicken...
Stop that, will you?
- Quite a driver!
- Yes, he is.
Yes. Yes, he is.
Yes, we lost old Pothelwhistle in the
Canary Islands. He was kicked to death.
- That's a shame!
- Yes, kicked to death by two infuriated canary birds.
- Why is that?
- Someone had been feeding them meat.
I happ... Excuse me. I...
- Anything strange about this, love?
- It does look rather odd.
Yes. I think the shaft is warped.
Give me another bat.
That's better!
- That's much better.
- Yes.
Now, stand clear, boy,
and keep your eye on the ball.
This is what they call "hitting past
the chin," as I told you before.
Gives you a remarkable shot.
What have you got here,
after all?
A pie!
Fancy bringing a pie
to a golf course.
A pint, yes.
But a pie, never.
Why, it's like...
It's like carrying...
something or other...
somewhere or other,
as the case may be.
Now, you stand clear
and keep your eye on this ball.
Stand clear, boy.
Keep your eye on the ball.
Stand cl...
- Quite a breeze.
- Yes, it is quite a breeze.
Yes, there is.
Quite a breeze. Yes.
Here's your overcoat.
Now, stand clear, boy,
and keep your eye on the ball.
As I say, this is "hitting past the chin."
Hitting as far past the chin as possible.
Never stand close to the ball
after you hit it.
Sounds like one of those
birds that fly backwards.
Stand clear, boy.
Keep your eye on the ball.
He's coming this way.
- Gives me the creeps.
- Me, too.
Stop that, you! Stop acting... Stand still.
Now, you stand clear and keep your eye
on the ball. Stand still.
Don't get moving 'round here
with those inhabited feet of yours.
As I was saying, it requires
a great deal of quiet nerve...
And slow...
Stand still and
keep your eye on the ball.
I'm sorry, dear.
Did I lose my temper?
What is it?
Godfrey Daniel. Tsk, tsk.
Wring your neck.
Put your foot on that, will you?
I wouldn't have you again
with me as a caddy...
for all the tea in China.
Tea or coffee or chop suey
or whatever it is they have there.
I said I'd like
to wring your neck.
Like to wash it first,
and then give it a good wring.
Give it a "wring"
they'd hear for...
- Would you take that out, please?
- Yes, of cour...
Thank you. Put it in there,
will you, girl? Thank you.
- This is really disgusting.
- It's terrible!
- I'm sorry that you had to see this.
- That's all right.
Now, stand clear
and keep your eye on the ball.
Stand still!
Keep your eye on the ball.
- Hello, Sheriff.
- How are you?
The sheriff is looking
for Mr. Bellwether.
- Well, where is he?
- He's out playing golf with your wife.
With my wife?
Come on! Holy smoke, let's get him.
There it is.
- There!
- Where?
On the end of your club.
- So it is, so it is!
- Yes!
What an eye he has.
Now, you stand clear
and keep your eye on the ball.
I've forgotten something.
Probably forgotten her horse.
Well, I won't need it anyway.
Won't need a horse.
Want to ride it...
I won't need it either!
Here's a club for you
for short holes.
Now, stand clear,
and keep your eye on the ball.
I lost a horse one time. I forgot him
and left him down the Grand Canyon.
Grand Canyon and...
That's a beautiful camel
you have with you.
Crazy about me.
Now, stand clear, boy, and keep...
Don't stand there.
Don't you know I'll smite you
on the sconce with this truncheon?
He's standing right...
and go, boom away!
Great, silly boy.
- I'll have to have it reblocked.
- That's a shame.
Thanks! Thanks for nothing!
You stand clear
and keep your eye on this ball.
As I was saying, this is
"hitting past the chin."
Stand clear, boy.
So it's you, is it?
I'd like to take
this club and...
- I'll tee that up, dear.
- All right.
Now, stand clear and
keep your eye on the ball.
Another thing I forgot
to tell you was...
keep the wrists together.
Never let the wrists separate.
Take the club back slow...
Now, now.
As I was saying before, you've got
to keep the wrists close together.
Never let the wrists...
Keep the wrists close together.
Close together.
Never let the wrists separate.
Keep them close together.
Keep the wrists close together.