The Good, the Bart, and the Loki (2021) Movie Script

Loki, once again, for crimes
against Asgard, you are banished to Earth.
Ah. Where to? New York? London? Paris?
Ow! [groans]
Whoa. Hey, man. Can I help you?
What would you know
of a distant, abusive father?
And a blonde-haired sibling
who's always perfect?
Oh, have I got the family for you.
So, the boy says you're magic.
Can you turn one pork chop into two?
I worship you, great Loki.
Command me, O Lord.
I renounce all other gods.
The last thing this world needs
is more pork chops.
Get her!
No, Bart! I'm your sis--
[wolf snoring]
Well, there's no way I'm worthy.
I'll just put it back.
Goodbye, self-esteem issues!
Lisa is Thor?
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
And I brought the Springfield Avengers
with me.
I ruined my pants in a brand-new way.
All right, they're no help.
But you're through here, Loki!
[Bart's voice] No, no! You're making
a big mistake. Homer, help me!
No! Homer, I'm really--
Ay, caramba!
[cheering, whistling]
[Loki's voice, laughs]
[Homer humming]
-We love you so much, boy.
Yes, Father.
Oh, and tomorrow could you turn Flanders
into a pork chop? I'll do the rest.
Yes, Father.
Finally, a functional family.
Gee, Moe, I can't believe
you gave us drinks on the house tonight.
That's because I ain't Moe.
I'm Loki.
And these beers will ruin your lives,
dissolve your livers,
fill you with remorse.
And though they say
these bottles are recyclable,
they just fill up the ocean!
Your planet is dying!
Still worth it.
You're not nice!
-[Loki groaning]
-[Ralph grunting]
Privacy please.
[Loki grunts]
Loki, I could give my verdict
in two words or less,
but as you would put it,
you stand here accused
of tampering with the sacred timeline,
philosophically opposing predeterminism,
crossing over into forbidden areas
of Disney+,
taking two spots in the Goofy parking lot,
being more popular than all the heroes,
having a British accent when you're
actually supposed to be from Norway,
promising to be good, then breaking
your promise like a zillion times,
making us sit through
numerous mid-credits scenes,
hoping they advance the story!
And will you please wash your nasty hair?
Guilty as charged!
Get out of my face.