The Great Indian Family (2023) Movie Script

Mic check.
Background chatter.
Okay. Ready.
Jai Kanhaiya Lal.
This is Balrampur - the king
of Indian small towns...
And I am the king of Balrampur.
If they ever make a movie on my life...
this will be its first shot.
Like in movies, in life too
a back story is important.
And my back story begins
with Newton uncle.
Uncle was asleep.
An apple fell. Woke him up.
Uncle it's an apple! Wipe it
and take a bite maybe? But no!
You woke up and made sure no kid
anywhere could ever sleep again.
Eat Gravity, Sleep Gravity...
I hate gravity!
He who knows it all -
the scholar.
He who knows nothing -
the Idiot.
And he who knows nothing...
but knows how act like the know-it-all -
the Smarty Pants.
Aka Vedvyas Tripathi.
Aka Billu. Aka... yours truly!
I too was sitting
under a tree that day.
My life's theory was about
to whack me in the head,
but I didn't know that yet...
because I was busy playing
snakes and ladders.
It was my favourite game.
Can I play with you?
I couldn't believe my luck!
At 7:55, every morning
we caught a glimpse of Roll no. 23 -
Ms. Aishwarya Malpani!
I may not know why that
apple fell from the tree
but since the dawn of time,
boys in rickshaws,
have fallen for girls in big cars.
My favourite game - had finally
brought me sweet luck.
Look! We're together...
in the same square.
I love snakes and ladders.
- It's my birthday today.
- Happy...
Not here. Come home?
My dad's throwing a birthday party.
My dad's a businessman.
What does your dad do?
I just couldn't tell her that my father
performed religious rituals for a living.
Praise to be Lord Shiva!
Praise to be Lord Ganesha!
Pandit Siyaram Tripathi.
The most respected of ancestral
Hindu priests in Balrampur.
Be it a birth, wedding
or a death, priests like him
were always in demand...
and in command!
The man who was most jealous of him
was Pandit Jagannath Mishra.
Pandit Jagannath Mishra
aka a two faced charlatan.
To him religion was merely
a business.
Dad was like a righteous sage...
and Mishra, his arch enemy -
a charlatan.
And while they pretended
to be friends...
a war between them was
going to be inevitable.
The true saga of my fate
was playing out over here.
This is Prabhu-Leela mansion.
It was once the name of my
grandparents... now it's our address.
My grandparents,
housed in these photos,
like most Indian ancestors
are used to wilted flowers.
So this fresh flower garland
must make them wonder -
what's the occasion bro?
I too had the same question.
Gunja Tripathi.
My twin sister.
You know the tiniest snake on the
snakes and ladders board? That's her.
Aunty! Billu's here.
Welcome home my child.
Aunt's name was Sushila Kumari,
but the town knew her as Agony Aunty.
You could go from being
the apple of her eyes
to the agony of being the thorn
in her side, in under 2 seconds!
You better set that right!
What's keeping you?!
Aunty, why do you never
let me get ready!?
Hema Aunty!
Named after the belle
of Bollywood - Hema Malini.
She was convinced she was as pretty.
Hema! Now!!!
What's the ceremony for?
Didn't he tell you?
Uncle aka Balakram Tripathi.
He too thought he was hero
in his own right.
As usual, his sweet tooth has
made him forget the main program.
How come there's always a fly
on your sweets Ramswaroop?
It all adds to the flavour, sir!
- You devil, you...
- Should I pack a kilo each?
Nope. 3 kilos each.
It's Billu's big day today!
Maybe even these flies
have a sixth sense...
and knew what misfortune
awaited me.
- Thread ceremony...
- Your initiation.
Welcome to the 1st standard
of becoming a priest!
It's a thick mop.
It'll take some doing.
- What is this?!
- You'll have to be tonsured no?
But I've to go to Aishwarya's
birthday party.
Billu stop running?!
Get back here
or I'll slap you silly!
I don't want to!
Where you off to kiddo?
Dad, can't I be initiated
without a tonsure?
The other day Signor Mishra's son
Tulsidas tried this same jibber-jabber.
One tight slap from Mishra
and hair was gone in five minutes!
This isn't the Mishra household.
We're civilized.
If the child has questions
we must answer them.
Dad's weapon of choice to settle
all disputes. Democracy.
- Shall we begin?
- Yes.
Now the whole family will vote
on my ceremony.
Their decision will be final.
The motion brought before
Home Parliament today
is if Billu should get tonsured or not?
The results are...
in favour of tonsuring... 1...
5 a total of 6.
May you live long little one,
May you bring us fortune little son
This heart is abound with joy,
You're our moon, you're the sun
May you live long little one,
That's when I realized -
Life was playing a game
of snakes and ladders with me.
I was the peg searching for ladders
and my family - the snakes
pulling me down.
Put this on.
Brother's already there.
He's said you will perform
the rituals with us.
You're a priest now...
let the rites begin!
I wasn't going to Aishwarya's
party wearing this cap.
I figured I might as well don the loin
cloth and go to this ritual ceremony.
Temple flags, flying high
A joy is in the air
Let's go see the lord,
Have no fear or no scare!
Brother says, the lord needs to see
your heart not your clothes!
Take off your kurta.
Today, on Aishwarya's birthday...
...we offer this ceremony as wishes.
How would I know Aishwarya's
father was so religious
that he's planned a prayer ceremony
on his daughter's birthday party?!
Who does that man!
I was so embarrassed!
If you have the lord in your heart.
His devotional hymns have the power
to make any dream come true.
It became clear to me that
only God could help me.
Join me in this song
to praise the Lord.
He had to rid me of my woes!
My heart was heavy...
my mind raced
and suddenly a voice rose
from deep within me.
Hear me O Creator
O father in the sky
Lost at sea, I am
the waves are rising high
You're my salvation, Lord,
If you be my rudder
if you hold my hand
I could find my way to your land
I could find my way to your land
I stand at your door,
Fill my empty cup
with your grace
Hear me as I implore,
Turn my dark nights
Into shiny days
A mesh of flaws I am,
since the day I was born
Turn my faults into virtues
that I can adorn
My soul is stuck in throes
Come rid me of my woes
I call out to you...
Om, Om, Om, Om
I call out to you...
Om, Om, Om, Om
Where are you...
Om, Om, Om, Om.
Where are you...
Om, Om, Om, Om.
I call out to you...
Om, Om, Om, Om
When I opened my eyes
I was hoping my life
and my serpent-like family
would've changed.
I guess God has a twisted
sense of humour.
Your child is a blessing
Mr. Tripathi, a blessing!
Aishwarya, touch his feet
and take his blessings!
Hey Lord!
So now you know my back story.
Sing my child... sing.
Since that day I've been
singing ever since.
I now have God on speed-dial.
Jai Kanhaiya Lal.
From the ashes of Billu's broken
dreams, "Bhajan Kumar" was born.
Greetings to one and all.
Bless us granny.
Please keep these kids away
from the loudspeakers.
Are you ready... 3 Go!
Make us wait no more
Bhajan Kumar knocks at your door
Make us wait no more
Bhajan Kumar knocks at your door
Deliver us from all misgiving
Grant us high thinking
Bless us with simple living
Your followers all,
pray and bow
They're tweeting "where art thou"
So Come on... Come at last!
O Krishna, you gotta join Twitter
Don't let your devotees get bitter
O Krishna, you gotta join Twitter
Don't let your devotees get bitter
Ease our doubts
and our spirit
This raging mind is aflutter
Praise the Lord!
O Krishna,
O Krishna,
O Krishna, you gotta join Twitter
Don't let your devotees get bitter
I had all the fame and respect
I ever prayed for.
My family was still snake-like,
but I had become their ladder!
On your feet...
Raise your hands.
And sing with me!
The end of times are near...
we're busy bowing to our phone
Instead of you praying to your image...
we're busy clicking our own
I say this phone is the real enemy.
Throw it away!
The end of times are near...
we're busy bowing to our phone
Instead of you praying to your image...
we're busy clicking our own
Save us from this world
of click bait!
In a digital form,
Why don't you reincarnate?
Redeem us from this disgrace
We seek your sermon
We yearn to see your face
So, come on...
Come and Login again
O Krishna,
O Krishna, you gotta join Twitter
Don't let us devotees get bitter
O Krishna, you gotta join Twitter
Don't let us devotees get bitter
Hear this chorus, hear thy name
Can you hear my heart's guitar?
My eyes thirst for a glimpse
Come back - wherever you are!
Loud and clear!
I beseech you, my saviour, come
To save our souls, come
It's getting dark and lonely,
To awaken us, come
To light up our homes, come
to drink from our cups, come
This life is incomplete,
To answer our prayers... come
Come on your chariot,
Come with Radha
Bring a friend or two,
We're leaving the door ajar
Bring Hanuman,
Bring Shankar
Bring Lord Rama too
Come without any further ado!
So come on... come on
Come on... Come to us now
O Krishna, you gotta join Twitter
Don't let us devotees get bitter
O Krishna, you gotta join Twitter
Don't let us devotees get bitter
My band and I thank the prayer committee
for inviting us to this holy gathering.
I hope you all enjoyed
this devotional song.
My name is Bhajan Kumar.
Follow me on social media.
Brother... selfie.
- Thank you bro
- You're very welcome.
Excuse me.
Bless us Signor Pandit!
While kids my age were busy living it up
I was forced to bless those very kids!
I had become the de facto
elder brother to the town!
Thankfully my world wasn't
only hymns and blessings
I still had a place where I could
shed the coat of religiosity,
and just breathe.
We could do all the tomfoolery
our hearts desired!
Get him Pandit...
he's a candle in the wind!
Dude, what the hell!
Cut it out. I'm in a bad mood.
What's wrong?
You finally saw a mirror?
Tell me the truth Pandit.
Am I ugly?
No baby, you look like
a young Ranbir Kapoor!
Never stab a broken heart Bengali,
it can prick you back!
Dude, what's wrong?
I feel like drinking this rat poison
and laying my life down at her door.
Dude, rat poison's not gonna
kill you... try sulfuric acid?
I'll murder you before I kill myself!
Ehi, stop it!
Bengali, that's enough.
Whose door do you want to die at?
What's the matter?
That's a friend that cares.
There's this girl...
she lives in Arya Nagar.
Some guy picks her up
and drops her everyday.
You guys need to do something about
it or I'll see you at my funeral!
Dude?! Stop staring... she's going
to be your sister-in-law.
- Look, there he is...
- Ya, I've got eyes.
Cops! Straight ahead.
- Stop right here.
- Ehi! Wait!?
Grab the holy cloth.
Get in. Take the sweets.
Stop! Stop!
Hail Lord Rama!
The holy cloth and sweets
were a master stroke!
He lives the "other" side!
The "other" side was Lakshman Bagh.
An area with a Hindu name
- but full of Alis and Mohammeds
- a Muslim locality!
I was a little scared
but one look at Sarwesh's long face,
and the fizz of friendship
went to my head.
Sarwesh maybe an idiot,
but he was our idiot
and we wasn't losing to some
lad from the "other" side.
Where to?
How do we cross the "other" Side?
Surgical Strike!
Ehi... watch out!
Hurry up.
Watch where you're going!
Watch out. Go, go, go!
There he is.
- Follow me
- Where to?
Let it go man.
This looks like no man's land...
let's teach him a lesson.
Pandit... no. Let it go.
- Excuse me sir?
- Ya?
- I think you dropped this.
- What?
Who are you?
- What's your name?
- Abdul!
Abdul! You love riding around
with girls, don't you?
Do you know who we are?
- No
- We know what you're up to.
- What?
- Stop saying what!
We know who you're
eyeing these days
his helmet isn't going
to save you from us.
Ya, but who exactly are you?
- We?
- We are...
We are the anti-Romeo squad
Anti Romeo?
- Squad! Ya, squad!
- Damn right a squad!
Ya, but what do you want?
- We... we?
- Er... we want your...
- Social security ID.
- What?! Why?
Show me your ID.
I'll tell you.
Ya... ya, give it.
Ok... then let me go.
It's in my bike.
I need to get it.
Ok, go and get it.
Why did you ask for his ID?
ID is everything bro!
If we confiscate it,
he'll have to do as we say.
It's just an ID dodo,
not some magic lamp that you'll
start treating him like a genie!
Ehi! Wait... Ehi!
He's gone.
- We scared him off.
- Damn right.
You're a hero my brother.
- The Hero needs more than just words...
- what does he need?
- Ya, what?
- He needs some offerings.
What do you want?
Get me some tea.
One more thing... Next time...
ask for the driver's license.
That was fun.
Signor Abdul, looks like
you did drop something?
A rattle?!
Heh, that's what I made
him do... rattle and hum!
You'll never forget me.
The villain perished...
and the hero prevailed.
Excuse me.
Are you from the Anti-Romeo squad?
Er... ya... is there a problem?
I have one now.
I was expecting a burly man
with a thick moustache
but you're much nicer.
Just trying to be of service.
I know I don't look it,
but I've only just finished college.
Is it just a one-man squad?
Oh, no, no... I've a few assistants.
But I am in charge.
I don't quite know how to thank you.
- No thanks required
- Shhh...
I know just the way.
Take this you Anti-Romeo idiot!
You think you can get
away with anything?
But I didn't do anything!
You didn't do anything?
Ma'am I'm from a decent family.
I swear!
Is this what they taught you?
Please hear me out. Ma'am!
You brainless nincompoop...
bloody parasite!
Pandit's getting beaten up.
Let's go.
I'm occupied. You go ahead.
What's the matter sister?
You can tell me.
- Is he also with you?
- Yes, he is.
- No, I am not.
- Get in here!
You jobless idiots.
Can't bear to let anyone
else do their work!
Stupid. Fool.
Don't you dare move!
Have tea sister...
My eyes, my eyes!!!
Aren't you ashamed of yourselves?
To err is to be human, no sister?
Abdul is the best rattle player
in the entire state
and now because of you guys,
he's shut his phone and gone missing.
I should post your video
on social media.
- No, no, no! Please no.
- But who told you about us sister?
Abdul called me right before
he switched his phone off.
- What if we...
- Shhh...
Hello? Yes aunty?
I'll be there soon.
There's no issue
just some monkeys on the road.
I had to set them straight. Yes.
Sister, we'll make good your loss.
All 3 of us will fill in for Abdul.
Your wish is our command.
That was some strong pepper...
you grow it yourself?
What do we have to do?
You two... on my cue,
get up on stage.
Start playing the rattle...
chika-chik-chik chika-chik.
You wear what I say,
you do as I say.
The show's in 30 minutes.
Ladies and gentleman,
boys and girls.
Every era has its love story.
Laila Majnu, Shirin farhad,
Mirza Sahiba
and today we have the
Goldie and Gurpal.
Their love story goes from
Balrampur to Buckingham.
To tell their tale, I invite
a performer par excellence -
The talented Ms. Jasmeet
from Jalandhar!
A happy union, we wish you
on this blessed night
As this beautiful bride
weds her groom tonight
Trumpets blow with joy,
drums bang in delight
Their dreams and destinies
are about to take flight
You swerved into me like a kite
Painted my heart with colours bright
Despite the many tantrums you throw,
My eyes stare at you,
move in slo-mo
Juliet o Juliet...
I sing to you...
My Juliet... O Juliet
all I do is pray for you
Let's sing a duet
I'm your Romeo...
You're my Juliet
My Juliet... My Juliet
Juliet o Juliet...
I sing to you...
My Juliet... O Juliet
All I do is pray for you
Let's sing a duet
I'm your Romeo...
You're my Juliet
My Juliet... My Juliet
Tell me, what do you do?
All I do is, love you
Looks like you're cuckoo...
So very true
Pick another girl?
There's none like you
You gonna get beat up
Babe, you gotta do you!
We gotta be together
What makes you say?
I wanna marry you
To my sandals you may!
You belong to me
In your dreams maybe
Anyone but you, I vow
But that's only for now
You leave me counting
stars in the day
Like a dream, on my nights you prey
Despite the many tantrums you throw,
My eyes stare at you, move in slo-mo
Stop trying your luck
You ain't that lovestruck
Romeo o Romeo, don't you fret
I ain't your juliet
I ain't no Juliet
Not your Juliet
Juliet o Juliet...
I sing to you...
My Juliet... O Juliet
All I do is pray for you
Let's sing a duet
I'm your Romeo...
You're my Juliet
My Juliet... My Juliet
A happy union, we wish you
on this blessed night
As this beautiful bride
weds her groom tonight
Trumpets blow with joy,
drums bang in delight
Their dreams and destinies
are about to take flight
What a show! Brilliant.
This money in your pocket
doesn't belong to you.
We didn't do this for money.
I always meant to return
the money to you.
Don't be stupid.
Your wish is our command.
Don't you dare flirt with me.
It doesn't suit you.
I still haven't forgiven you.
You guys aren't done yet.
Just tell us what to do.
Tell us what to do?
Is this the one?
Yes, this is.
Dude, I've heard these muslims...
they hunt in packs.
Man, I can't do this...
Uh - Allah hu Akbar!
Allah hu Akbar.
Abdul, we made a mistake,
please forgive us.
Sister Jasmeet sent us.
And here is your payment.
Forgive us my friend!
Both Allah and Akbar are forgiving!
Who is it?
It's... the guys who...
We... we're Abdul's friends.
Yes, his friends! Ya.
So friends, it's quite late.
See you tomorrow.
Who is it my child?
They're Abdul's buddies, Ma.
So why're they at the door?
Ma, they were just leaving.
You can't leave without
a cup of tea son.
Oh no, we can't.
You can't leave our home
on an empty stomach.
Come on in. Come my child.
So do you guys work with Abdul?
Oh no... we are.
You're Pandit Tripathi's son no?
- You know him?
- Er... no.
His dad inaugurates Lord Rama's
play at Dussehra. I saw you there.
You guys watch plays
about Hindu Gods?
Watch?! My Pintu even acts in it.
He plays the sleeping demon
Kumbhkaran. Kinda perfect for him.
Command me O King...
who shall I slay in your honour!
And then the scene with
Lord Rama's brother -
Pintu, that's enough.
They know Lord Rama's story.
You like acting in Rama's play?
- But he won't get to do it this year.
- Why?!
Pandit Mishra and his son TD
are in-charge of casting now.
And they fired Pintu.
- So how did you guys meet?
- Err... Actually we... uh.
Stop grilling them, Ma.
I'm just curious.
I've never seen them before.
Like that Jasmeet...
I've seen her around.
Oh! Jasmeet comes here often?
She did mention it.
This is like a home to her.
She's like a sister to them.
That's great!
These dimwits haven't once so much
as bought her a decent gift.
No, Abdul bro! That's awful of you.
You must buy her something.
For a moment it seemed like
we truly were old friends.
Amid all that joking and teasing,
we'd forgotten that
only a few hours back.
We were holy warriors of
the Anti-Abdul squad.
I got the rattle and the money.
Don't share that video please.
Thanks man!
They're not all that bad.
Ok. Bye.
See you soon Abdul.
By the way, if you ever go
to a Muslim home again...
Don't say Allah hu Akbar for Hello.
It's not a greeting.
I knew it! But this Pandit
was acting like a know-it-all.
So what's the right thing to say?
- Salam Alaikum.
- Alekum. Aley-kum...
It was on the tip of my tongue man,
just wouldn't roll off.
What does it mean?
It's a wish for harmony.
It means peace be upon you.
Or like they say in Balrampur -
Peace out bro!
What Abdul said made sense.
We all were at peace now...
Sarweshwar had Abdul's friendship.
Bhatta had made a new
cultural discovery...
and I.
I was at peace just to know Jasmeet.
So lost was I in her... that I barely
noticed night turn into day.
Good morn... uh... Hello.
- Hi...
- Hi...
This is not a date.
Don't get any ideas.
Oh no. I'm not one of those guys...
Coz you're a wuss?
A wuss? Women scare you, no?
I don't know if this is a date or not
and you may be this bold
and beautiful woman,
but you have no business
grilling me like this.
I'm not some nincompoop
begging for a job.
I was just...
I am Bhajan Kumar.
I sing really well.
If I ever showed up for Talent Show or
something, I'd be selected in a minute.
But I respect my dad
too much to try out.
You sing well too... I was just
happy to meet another artist,
but not at the cost of my dignity!
You're really sensitive dude!
Look, like every proud Punjabi,
I have no filters.
We speak from the heart...
and find it very difficult
to say sorry.
So consider this coffee an apology?
I respect my parents and women a lot.
If someone else had
spoken to me like that...
What would you do?
I'd have put a curse on you...
for all eternity.
This date is nothing less than a curse.
My feet were on a scooter...
but my head was in the clouds
just like Shah Rukh Khan.
Have they lost their bloody minds!
- You finally found time for home?
- What's going on?
I won't eat or drink,
till this issue is settled.
It's time to fight for your
family's honour kiddo.
If you're done gallivanting...
do join us.
- Let's go!
- Yes. Yes. Let's go.
Is it a volcano or a tsunami?
Early tremors of a big earthquake...
Where's the epicenter?
- Jaiprakash Malpani?
- Man... not again!
Signor Malpani's daughter
Aishwarya was getting married.
Dad had advised on an auspicious
date and time for the wedding.
But the groom's side had
challenged Dad's panditry
at the behest of Pandit Mishra.
The result was simple -
a clash of the Pandits.
Dad and Mishra were the gladiators...
- Pandit Mishra.
- Pandit Tripathi.
I hear you want the wedding
date changed.
Saturn has changed its position...
we must bind the young couple
in matrimony at an earlier date.
Unless you have a problem with it.
I don't...
but the malevolent planet.
That's moving into the house
of matrimony, will surely do.
- Maybe you missed it?
- I didn't.
I've asked the bride to wear
a 7 carat gem to ward off the evil.
Problem solved!
What about the effect of Mars?
For that... I've prescribed
donating 4 cows to the needy
and a weekly fast for the bride
for the next 4 months.
- What about the lunar obstruction?
- Fasts on Monday.
A pearl-ring, A pyre ceremony...
feasts for 111 priests!
All of this just so the newly weds
can enjoy their honeymoon
in Switzerland, right?
Of course, why else!
It was something else indeed.
It was common knowledge that,
every year Pandit Tripathi took a 2-week
pilgrimage, on the 23rd of June.
If the wedding happened
before 7th July...
He would have to signorina it.
Which would make Mishra
the senior priest...
and make Mishra and son, in charge of
the contract for the wedding rites.
Mishra and TD seemed
like Demons to us.
Aishwarya and her beau were
busy dreaming of Switzerland.
Dad was left with two choices:
he could cancel his trip...
or admit that Mishra had trumped him.
We couldn't help but accept that
dad would lose this battle.
Aishwarya, when you get to Switzerland,
you must observe a fast on Mondays
and Tuesdays without a drop of water.
Every evening, after prayers,
you must change into a sari
and eat only pure vegetarian
food at an Indian restaurant.
Amit, to appease the ancestral deities,
every morning you need to offer water
to the sun, at the stroke of dawn.
Preferably at one of the many lakes
in Switzerland.
Signor Mishra, the cows will have
to be donated in Switzerland too...
because from the 9th of July,
Jupiter turns unfavourable.
- Signor Malpani?
- Yes sir.
Since you keep traveling there,
please arrange for 4 Swiss
cows for the kids to donate.
The couple suddenly saw their
honeymoon turn into a pilgrimage!
At this age,
my soul can't rest without
my annual pilgrimage.
Advance the wedding and
implement all these solutions.
If that's what makes you happy...
this ordinary priest
won't get in the way.
- Uh...
- We'll talk to him son.
I take your leave. Ved, let's go
- Pandit Tripathi... please.
- Signor Pandit... Sir...
maybe we're being too
hasty with the wedding.
Let's stick to our earlier plan.
You finish your pilgrimage.
My daughter will wed
when you return.
You don't need to so formal.
Signor Mishra please
tell them it's ok.
You're my senior Signor Tripathi.
You can do no wrong.
This wedding can't happen without you.
Ok then.
Let's organise an evening of
devotional songs next fortnight.
I won't be here,
but Vedvyas and Balakram will
more than make up for my absence.
Dad was our hero!
In one fell swoop he had
established his seniority
and that he was in-charge
of the Malpani wedding.
Mishra and TD were left
licking their wounds
and the sour grapes
they'd been handed...
While the victorious Tripathis
strutted out of the Colosseum!
We were all in awe of dad that day.
He was strict, but awesome.
If this family was a car,
he was indeed our engine.
My phone will be off till I come back.
Ok brother.
Please refrain from sending those
annoying 'good morning' texts.
- He means you.
- Shut up. I never send those.
- Balakram.
- Yes.
Make sure nothing goes wrong
while I'm away.
Have I ever let you down
in all these years?
Ya, but the Malpani
wedding is close...
and Mishra will definitely
try something.
Mishra can't do jack brother.
- Rest assured. I'm here.
- How's this? Looks good no?
The color suits you aunty!
Unless you're planning to buy
a ticket... please go!
He means you... Let's go.
Take care brother.
Who's luggage is this?
Come this way.
Ya, ya. Calm down.
- Billu, his bag is still up there.
- Lemme go and put it near him.
I felt like hugging him tight...
but we were both a little shy.
Bye dad. Take care of yourself.
- Hello.
- Hello... please sit.
What rites do you need done?
I just finished my rites.
I wanted to meet Pandit Tripathi,
but I heard he's away?
Ya, he just left, but you can tell us.
If it's an evening of devotional
songs... or prayers we can handle it.
No. I need to hand
something over to you.
My father passed away this morning.
He used to live in this town
many years ago.
For the last few months, he made me
post many letters to this address.
I don't know if you guys got
any of them?
People usually just text nowadays...
I haven't seen a letter for ages.
What was the letter about?
He never told me.
But he wanted me to give you this.
Thank you.
- I'll take your leave.
- Ok. Thank you.
Would you like some tea?
He must've written at least ten letters.
Just make sure Pandit
Tripathi gets this letter.
Of course. Ok. Rest assured.
Read it with some flair...
I want to enjoy this snack.
- Greetings, Signor Tripathi...
- Greetings to you too.
'I've been writing to you for a while
now, but I haven't received a reply.
'If you're reading this,
I'm probably not alive anymore.
'For years now I've been
troubled by a secret.
'It's important that
I confess to you.'
- The spice is just right.
- It's good no?
'Pandit Tripathi the child born to you
on the 7th of December is not your own.'
Ok. Keep reading.
'I was a ward boy at MG hospital
'in-charge of birth and death
'That night a child's birth
certificate was made twice...
'I was paid extra money to alter
this child's birth certificate.
'I'd sworn that I will never
tell anyone about this.
'But now my end is near and
I want at least you, to know this.
'The man who got the
certificate changed,
'made me put your name down
as the father.
'I couldn't see his face
'because there was no electricity
in the hospital that night
'and he'd covered it with a shawl.
'I was in need of money and transferred
to Jaunpur within a few months.
'Signor Tripathi, the child you
brought home on 7th December...
is a Muslim.'
'The certificate was nameless, but
I know the child 'parents were Muslims.
'I don't remember their names,
'but I know this because I made their
death certificates that same night.
'I hope this secret stays between us.
'May god bless you with
peace and prosperity...
'and I hope that the boy you've raised
as your own brings you happiness.
'I ask for your forgiveness,
Jeevan Prasad.'
You see him?
- No one's here.
- He's gone.
Ehi, why the long face?
We don't know that guy.
What if it's just a prank?
Maybe someone's messing with us?
It's a joke Balak. I mean who writes
a letter like that?
- And just... it's nothing.
- Yup. It's poppycock.
Uncle, for a minute there
I thought he meant me.
If it was you,
we would've believed it.
Is that so? Then tell me
where did you find me?
- I'll tell you!
- I knew I as an outsider!
Ehi Bhatta?
Ehi Pandit...
Look what Abdul's mom sent?
I just mentioned it once...
and she actually made it for me!
You and Abdul are quite thick now, eh?
Sir is learning music from Abdul.
Dude, wants to join Jasmeet's band.
I come from a long line of artists dude.
Didn't you call her
'sister' the other day?
Dude, I was scared...
I just blurted it out.
But you know I like her.
Why don't you ask her...
who she really likes?
He's a Brahmin, she's a sikh...
they can't get together.
Who teaches you this rubbish?
Muslims must eat meat...
Brahmins can't marry Sikhs.
Are we the next-gen of India or
you wanna continue being cavemen?
You know you're right.
Hold on... are you going
to marry Jasmeet?
- If she wants to, then ya. Sure.
- And your dad will let you?
I'm the one who decides that.
Don't mess with me Pandit.
I had dibs on her!
What's wrong with you?
You knew I liked her.
You fall for a new girl
every other month.
You remember Alka? Didn't he
roam lovelorn for her too?
- So, you've already made your move?
- What move?
I can tell... I can sense
you're up to something.
You've lost your mind...
You've said 'I love you' to her!
- What do you care?
- You're crossing the line!
When are you going to get
that every girl in Balrampur isn't
just waiting for you to fall for her...
and grace her life with your love.
Who she likes is her choice!
So you're Jasmeet's choice?
And not me?
I don't know about that.
I am in love with her. That's it.
I was waiting for the right moment
to share this with my best friends...
but he's turned it all to shit!
Pandit... you cheater!
How dare you touch me?!
I won't spare you.
Careful... Aunt's dessert!
What's wrong with you idiots?!
You've ruined the dessert.
I got that for you!
I hope you choke on it,
Ehi... Sarwesh!
Pandit... hand me a clean spoon.
Maybe I can save some of this...
Dude, do I look like a Muslim to you?
- Are you high or something?
- I'm not kidding.
What if I tell you I was born a Muslim.
What would you say?
What are you saying man?
Allah hu Akbar...
Allah hu Akbar...
Allah hu Akbar...
You're up?
Were you muttering
Allah hu Akbar?
Just trying my luck...
I figured if you said it back,
the letter must be true!
Uncle, Allah hu Akbar
is not a greeting.
What then?
Aslaam alekum. And then I'd reply
You always knew this...
or it came back to you last night?
First you wake me up...
and now you're pulling my leg.
Breakfast is ready.
Pure vegetarian!
Stop it, uncle!
Bengali, you didn't stand
by me yesterday.
Have you lost your mind?
I may not be a hero like Pandit...
but I'm no villain.
But there's only one heroine - Jasmeet.
And as far as I can guess...
she likes Pandit.
Stop it man! My ears can't
take it... he's betrayed me!
If you knew what a sick joke
fate has played on Pandit...
you'd know that what
betrayal truly means.
What happened?
What you looking at?
You don't look like them bro...
Bro... Brother... wait up.
- Is this a joke?
- We're very sorry brother.
I started this committee
for Lord Hanuman.
You're insulting me by getting
the likes of him to cut the ribbon.
No, no... it's not like that.
I could whack your face
out of shape right now.
Brother you mean the world
to us... slap us if you want.
What brings you here Bhajan Kumar?
I was the guest of honour TD...
but you swooped in.
Who can refuse the calls
of ones devotees?
This isn't everyone's cup of tea.
Are you drunk TD?
You been asking the questions
since you got here...
Shall I ask you one?
What do you prefer Hail Lord Rama
or Allah hu Akbar?
Brother please...
Don't forget where you are.
You're in my hood.
I call the shots here.
Put that tail between
your legs and scamper.
Brother please...
Please let's go from here.
Don't bother. Please come. Please!
- Tulsidas Mishra!
- Live long...
Why can't this wait?
I've to wake up early
in the morning.
Let Billu come back no?
We don't need him for everything.
Prince Bharat once ruled his kingdom
with Rama's sandals on the throne...
I call this meeting with brother's
sandals bearing witness.
What's the motion, uncle?
Billu can't sing at
Signor Malpani's event.
Because Malpani has himself
asked me.
To keep Billu away till we know
his religion for sure.
- That's unfair.
- Unfair?
You don't get it.
If the groom's side
gets a whiff of this,
we could lose the contract for
officiating this whole wedding!
- I wish our brother was here...
- He isn't. I am.
And I'm doing what he would've done.
Malpani's contracts run our house...
not to mention others who come to us
because of him.
We can't afford to make
an enemy of him...
- But you can make an enemy of me?
- No -
Coz I've just been made to feel
like one by those outsiders...
and now my own family
is thinking about it?!
Balak, can't we bring
Billu back into our faith?
Bring me back aunty?
When did I ever leave?
Billu, you're not in your senses.
Oh no uncle... I've only come
to my senses now!
Dad advised Malpani to host
this devotional evening...
if Malpani goes against dad's wishes,
he will have to face
the wrath of my father.
And if we lose this contract,
before brother comes back...
then I, and only I, will face his wrath.
He has trusted me with this.
Who will sing at this event,
if not me?!
Tell me, who will?
Pride suits those who have
a leg to stand on...
If I don't sing, this event will
be a huge flop... wanna bet?!
What nonsense!
Ok, then go ahead.
- Billu, just sit down.
- No, do as you please.
That's what we need to
discuss... what to do -
There's no time for
discussion anymore
we need a decision.
We do what brother would -
we vote on it.
- Uncle.
- One minute.
What kind of decision?
Do we protect the honour
of this family... or
Or humiliate Billu?!
Why're you getting so bitter?
The simple fact is...
if we remove you from the program,
maybe we can reason with Malpani
and keep the contract for
the rest of the wedding.
Mishra is dying to swoop in on this...
So you want me to be the
sacrificial lamb and the butcher?
It's a democracy Billu...
stop being an anti-national!
Uncle was speaking Dad's language...
but that didn't mean he could
turn into my father.
Democracy in our family was
about voting for what dad liked,
so we could be in his good books.
But Dad wasn't here today
our family's democratic fabric.
The motion before Home Parliament was...
whether Brother Billu will sing
at the devotional event.
The results are in...
5 votes against and 1, for.
Of course he voted for himself.
I voted for him, uncle.
I didn't vote to just be
omitted from the event...
I think I should be left
out of this family too.
- Don't say that bro.
- Wait... what did you just say?
You heard me right.
- Are you threatening us?
- No. I'm acting on it.
What're you going to do?
Found a new home or have you
found your 'own' people?
This! I knew there's some
darkness lurking in your heart!
Billu... Billu... Billu
Why don't you just admit that
letter affected you the most!
- That's no way to talk to him...
- We're your family Billu
A darkness... in my heart?
A darkness... in my heart?
For twelve years I slept
hugging you close to my heart.
I danced for you like a clown
just so that there was never
a tear in your eyes.
So you were happy.
And you think there's
a darkness in my heart?
Then how did it all change uncle?
Why are you treating me
differently since yesterday?!
Till yesterday, I was your nephew...
but now I'm some Muslim kid?
Even I'm so confused...
I don't know how to think about this.
My faith is still what
you've taught me uncle...
but just because Malpani has a problem,
you want to throw me out?!
We haven't thrown you anywhere.
Why should I stay in this house
when no one cares about me?!
Billu... listen - listen to me.
You know I'm right aunty.
I have been a big part of bringing
honor and glory to this family.
People known me as Bhajan Kumar.
I don't care if Malpani
doesn't want me...
I have many fans who still love me.
Till I don't see that same
love in all of your hearts,
I won't set foot in this house.
Stop Billu... or I'll slap
you silly. Come back -
Slap me aunty, slap me!
Gunja, Rampyaari, all of you should!
Ehi Shukla... Gopal - get the
whole neighborhood to slap me,
But do it right now...
Coz I won't be here
tomorrow. I am leaving.
- What are you doing?
- Hema!
Who's making such a ruckus
at Pandit Tripathi's house?
- Why is Billu shouting?
- Come, let's see.
Our boy has turned into a man...
we must respect his decision.
Here's some money...
If anyone else has a problem,
they can join that thankless boy!
- Yes Pandit?
- Where're the keys?
What do you need them for?
Can you stop asking me questions
and just tell me?
Sarweshwar has them.
I am not asking him.
Man just call him -how long wi-
What you're doing is wrong.
Everything is fair in love and war.
This game is mine...
Not if it's up to me.
Dude what are you doing?!
- You hit it too hard
- Set it up again...
Drat! Hey, isn't that Pandit?!
Pandit, don't you want to teach me
math today?
Another reason why these guys were
angry with me, was because once I...
How many was that?
Oh no, no bro... that's just 1.
We live for a moment
1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6
Oh, oh... look at him twirl!
I wanted to tell him that I'm a Muslim
not a Pandit
but he was in no mood to chat.
Don't let him go!
Get him. Stop!
Let's go, let's go.
Go, go, go!
There he is.
Reverse man!
Damn you guys...
- We're leaving... We cool.
- Off you go.
- Scoot... or I'll break your legs!
- We're leaving.
- Off you go.
- Don't let me see you here again.
Let's go.
I'm so glad we spotted you
back there Pandit!
I... I... this morning...
at Lord Hanuman's event
then at home.
They... they said
I'm not their blood...
so I've become a stranger to them now.
Hey Abdul... Abdul wake up.
Uh... what is it?
Time for your namaaz, no?
- Not today.
- How come?
I only go on Fridays.
Why only Fridays?
You also only go to the temple
on Tuesday.
- Hey Pintu!
- Ya.
Here. Give him some tea.
Let him sleep Ma.
He's quite upset.
I felt really bad for him.
We couldn't even give him
a proper bed to sleep on.
I'll figure something out. Lemme
ask him how long he needs to stay.
No, no! Don't ask him.
He's already quite sad...
let him stay as long as he wants to.
I wish my family saw how well
they treated me...
You shouldn't have let him
leave this way.
I should've slapped him silly...
- Where will he live?
- Not like he cared to tell me.
You're the one he fought
with Balak.
I only did what Brother would've done.
It's a text from Billu...
on the family group.
Tell me him to come right home!
- He's not coming.
- Why? What?
He's asked us to come.
- Don't move your hand.
- It's already straight.
Where is he?
God knows if he ate...
or even slept?
Of all the places,
he had to call us here.
- Aunty!
- Hello... Hello.
He must have his reasons.
Please try and say something
other than I'll slap you silly!
I'm just saying hear him out...
- Namaste.
- Salaam Alekum.
Looks like you've even dyed
your soul green...
My soul only ever sang
the lord's tune.
Just because I'm wearing green,
you've begun seeing red?
You want to fight or make peace?
I want to tell you...
that this is who I am now on.
Then why'd you call us
all the way here?
I couldn't come there
after you threw me out.
Mishra is circling the contract
like a vulture.
Everyone knows what Mishra is like.
But I was your own...
or has that changed too?
We are Hindu priests.
It's our identity and our dignity.
I can't put them both at risk.
So now I'm a risk to you, because
I've suddenly become a Muslim?
Abdul, bro, did you know I'm a risk?
A danger!
- This is not about you Billu...
- It is only about me Gunja.
This is all I want to say to you.
You don't care
who I was till yesterday.
About my devotional songs
my love for Lord Rama's idols...
for Lord Hanuman. Why?
Because you think I'm different now.
You may think being born an 'Muslim'
is my flaw... but I won't do it.
It's like I've just woken up.
Why should I fear?
And I swear on you all...
I'm going to become so Muslim...
the whole world will admire
what a Muslim, Vedvyas turned into!
Maybe I'll have to change my name...
I'll add a Hussain or a...
- Rizvi?
- Ya, Rizvi... After all.
The second name matters here.
I'll get a new one...
but this is it!
I'm done. Walekum Assalam...
and Khuda Haafiz. Let's go.
- My child.
- Brother Billu!
Let's go from here now.
What're you thinking about?
What will I tell Brother?
What's the matter?
I'm feeling restless.
My mind's anxious...
This is why we come here...
to calm the mind. To control it.
Bro, you have to teach me.
- What?
- How to be an 'Muslim'.
So I'll just watch you
and copy you.
I'm not much for theory...
I am better at practical's!
What are you studying?
Food, dress and language.
These are the main differences
between Hindus and Muslims.
My clothes are on point.
I'm already learning the language.
Now show me how you guys eat!
- Dude, what are you doing?
- What's the matter?
- You're eating like a Hindu.
- Ya, so?
- Stop trying to fool me.
- I don't have to try.
Just eat. We've ordered
vegetarian for you.
That's what I mean!
He's eating with his left hand!
Coz he's left-handed!
It has nothing to do with
being a muslim.
May god help you
find your way my child.
I said a silent prayer to Newton uncle
and started my experiment.
Becoming a Muslim was easy
but I had no clue what comes after!
The sweets here
will knock your socks off.
Is it?!
- We should bring Pintu here.
- Totally.
A 2 kilo of your milk cakes.
A kilo?!
I don't need charity.
I can pay for my own food.
Peace be on you.
Why're you in such a hurry
to speak and sound like a muslim?
I just got thrown off by my uncle.
- You barely got it right.
- Why?
It's peace be upon you...
not 'on' you.
And you stop being so nice to my uncle
or he'll turn you into a Tripathi.
Can we eat the milk cakes now?
What's up?
Dad would've read my horoscope.
He would've known these things
will happen to me.
Have faith in yourself.
We make our own destiny.
That's what my dad says.
These dads are all like Newton uncle.
They make all these wonderful rules -
Never lie. Be honest.
The truth always prevails. etc.
But the moment you act on them,
life screws you over.
You need to relax.
To tell you the truth...
I can't believe...
I... I'm not able to digest the fact
that I am Muslim.
I always thought of them
as the 'other'...
but like a twisted game of
snakes and ladders,
fate has made me this other.
And now I'm so confused
that I'm relying on other people
to tell me how I should
feel about this!
The ones I thought were my family...
they don't even want to see my face.
And the ones I was dead against,
are making sure I don't sleep
on an empty stomach.
I... I'm so ashamed of myself.
I don't know what to say...
or do... or think!
Sometimes it helps to feel,
rather than think.
How did that feel to you?
Did it feel like a Hindu kiss or a Musl-
Felt like an Indian kiss.
Only Indians can kiss that awkwardly!
I'll learn with practice.
No worries Mr. Mishra.
Just tell me what do you want
Pandit clad in?
Headgear. So he doesn't
look like a Hindu.
Sure. This is a little rustic...
and this one -
Dude... This isn't a do-over.
I need him looking like a Muslim!
That... the Muslim skull cap.
Oh! Good job!
Sent... Forward... All..
Hey look... there she goes...
"his" sister.
What'd you say?
I dare you to say it again...
how can she say that?!
- Get lost. go.
- I'll wreck your face!
Balakram, just because we've gotten
the contract for this wedding
doesn't mean we can't leave you
a rite or two to perform.
My devotional songs
never went viral like this.
Lies are just so much more
fun to share.
That's enough.
They must've lost the
wedding contract. No?
After all this no one will ever
give Dad any work again.
Shravan Kumar moved heaven and earth
to make his parents happy...
and then there's me! In one move
I've alienated my family...
...and destroyed their honor...
and their future.
What a dutiful son I am!
Stop talking like that Billu!
I still can't understand...
who's wrong here?
Is it me? Is it Uncle?
Or is just my fate?
It's gotta be someone because...
I've never felt more wrong!
They're using me as a sword
to cut my own family down.
I can't let that happen.
But who's gonna listen to you
right now Pandit?
The time isn't right.
The only thing that can save them
from humiliation is if,
like everyone else...
they too disown me.
They need to be baying for my blood.
It's best for them
if they break all ties with me.
And for that... I have to die.
- What?
- What're you saying?
Pandit Siyaram Tripathi's son
is a muslim a rumor today,
tomorrow it will become a reality.
His name, his destiny
and his religion will all change.
People only suspect it right now...
but come tomorrow I'll convert
to Islam and become a Muslim.
This is not right my child.
Just think about it.
What you are about to do is
absolutely wrong.
And we can't support you in this.
Listen to me.
I know Pandit Tripathi
for decades now.
How can I convert his son to Islam?
He's the one who wants it Papa.
If you were to do such a thing...
wouldn't he call me?
- Your holiness
- Yes?
Bhajan Kumar is headed this way.
May God bless you.
Where you off to kiddo?
Pandit Tripathi.
Why did you bother coming
all this way?
The pauper always has to
Signor Malpani.
Why would the Prince leave his palace?
Don't embarrass me.
It's my family that has been
I know who's doing it.
Greetings, Pandit Tripathi.
When did you return?
How're you Balak?
We truly missed you sir...
So, my son is Muslim?
Apparently he roams around wearing
a skull cap. You knew about this?
I... er... read it on... what's that?
- Social Media.
- On social media...
Any idea who started this rumour?
actually, we've been really busy
with our own work. Isn't it dad?
We barely noticed this news.
I don't care that about these
allegations on my family...
what saddens me is that
no one stood up for them.
A doubt had crept into
all our hearts Signor Tripathi.
This is my son.
His name is Vedvyas Tripathi.
His lineage... his values,
his upbringing and his father
will never change.
My mind and body are disturbed.
I must take your leave.
Tomorrow is an auspicious day to start
the ceremonies for the wedding.
We'll start with a special ritual
pyre for the couple's good health.
We can have Billu's concert
right after that...
For sure...
Pandit Tripathi.
That was so moving Pandit Tripathi.
You've come just in the nick
of time and relieved us all.
But doubt is a cruel mistress sir...
and only a test can put it to rest.
I would request you to allay
these doubts as soon as possible.
So you want me to throw
my son into the fire?
We want you to slap these doubters
and naysayers with the truth so hard
that they wouldn't dare raise
a finger on you again!
How do we do that Signor Mishra?
It's simple... a blood test.
A father and son can have
different blood groups.
I know. But their DNA
is always the same.
I know he's your son...
I know what the result will be.
But it's important to shut
the people up.
You have no idea the villains
that roam among us.
Good idea.
It's about time,
these villains are defeated.
Mishra is asking for a DNA test...
What fresh hell is that?!
It's a test that proves
Billu is Dad's son...
It's no big deal.
We don't have anything
to prove to anyone.
Why should I do the test?
I won't.
You don't have to do it sis...
Billu and his dad have to!
Oh, ok.
They were both pissing fire...
Balak as well as Billu.
Dad, Mishra maybe our arch enemy,
but he's unknowingly handed us
the ultimate weapon.
This DNA test will truly
silence everyone.
So you're all in favor of this test?
But I am not...
7th December 1992 - the scariest
night this town has ever seen.
Riots had broken out in the city.
Sumitra and I were at the hospital.
Pandit Tripathi... I need your help.
His name was Dr. Irani
like a warrior he was waging
a lone war to save lives.
Pandit ji.
Dr. Irani... she's a muslim.
She's a human being Pandit.
Lower it... here.
I don't think she'll survive,
but we can save this child.
Please come.
Burn the shop.
Doctor! They've come inside.
Here, hold him Pandit.
Find if any one of them are here.
I'll kill them all.
Tell me or I'll kill you!
Tell me if anyone of "them" are here.
How dare you ask him
that question!
Pandit Tripathi.
Put him on our bed.
Let's just tell everyone we had twins!
But this kid is a Muslim.
Who's going to know?
We know.
He's a gift from God.
We're all born alike.
That smile washed away my doubts.
All preconceptions and prejudices.
We all come into the world like this...
innocent and unassuming.
We don't know where we're born...
into what family or religion,
race or caste.
We're all just born human beings
but the world slices us up
into these divisions.
That day a child clutched my finger
but soon I knew that God had
sent him to hold our hands.
Our prosperity, our respect
is all due to him.
These letters had come earlier also.
I knew the truth.
Because I was the man who hid my face
and changed the birth certificate.
I don't care what the DNA test reveals.
Who Billu is to me can never change.
I'm incomplete without Billu...
this family is incomplete without him.
Tomorrow is a battle
between two duties -
duty towards my family
vs a duty to my faith.
I may not win this battle
but I won't shy away from this fight.
I will fight for my Billu.
Whether the family
accompanies him or not...
he'll surely have his
father by his side.
There's only one way to decide
if we are with you or not brother...
The motion before Home Parliament was...
Is Billu a part of this family?
Votes in favor - one.
Billu... my vote was
always with you brother.
You can leave this house but
how will you leave our hearts?!
Let's go, guys!
My case was so famous,
everyone was debating
whether Pandit Tripathi's
honor will prevail
or will Mishra strip him of it.
It was as if the DNA of the
entire town was being tested.
Let them do a DNA test
the result will be whatever
we want it to be.
This is Neeraj... he's a friend.
Dr. Neeraj Daniel.
Your friend Neeraja's brother?
Aunty there's no Neeraja.
I've been meeting him for the past
3 years at the pretext of Neeraja.
Now that everyone is
speaking the truth...
consider this my contribution!
Tell them.
For the DNA test, I'll take a blood
sample from you and Billu.
While taking the sample.
I'll draw blood from both your hands
at the pretext of not being able
to find the vein in one hand.
Instead of Billu's blood,
I'll use both samples from
Signor Tripathi's blood.
Thus, giving us the result, we want.
Brother Billu will once and
for all go back to being
the loved and respected -
Bhajan Kumar!
Isn't that a blockbuster idea?
Mishra won't know what hit him!
Aunty don't worry. I've been
a doctor for 5 years now.
So we will have to lie?
A warm welcome to all residents
of Balrampur.
Ladies and Gentlemen, the questions
festering in your minds
for the last few weeks...
will be answered today.
It is my humble request
that please stay calm
till we get the results
of the DNA test.
Good luck, Pandit Tripathi.
Please stay calm. Thank you.
Wait a minute Doctor.
We don't need this.
Of course we do...
This is the only thing we need now.
Come hell or high water
we won't rest till we know.
We won't rest!
We will not rest!
What would you want to know?
That my blood is red?
Actually Signor Mishra...
all of us should be tested.
Because what they're doing
today is a big deal.
They're all here just to protect me.
Because they love me,
and believe that my dignity
is their dignity.
Sure, they're a little naive...
but family is family.
And for them I don't care how many
times I have to give my blood.
Mishra uncle,
I want to thank you the most.
Because you've shown me
who I am.
Today I've truly found my DNA.
I am Muslim.
I told you.
I am Hindu.
I'm head over heels
in love with a sikh...
And this morning
I went to church too.
The truth is I was born in this very
hospital on the 7th of December 1992.
My mother was a muslim.
I'll never know what her name was.
It's also true that I survived
the riots that night
only because of a Parsi -
Dr. Irani and my father.
Since that day he's never
let go of my hand...
I always thought my life was
a game of snakes and ladders,
where my family were the snakes.
Always afraid they'll embarrass me,
might say something weird.
I thought they weren't "cool".
No two of us are alike...
not uncle and Dad,
not my aunts... not even Gunja
and me... least of all Rampyari.
We fight with each other...
and sometimes don't see eye to eye.
Who says a happy family has to be
smile and laugh all the time?
Signor Malpani,
if a family or a neighborhood has
only one shade, won't it look dull?
We for sure, love a rainbow
and that's why I know,
I don't need this test.
Signor Mishra,
my family had the perfect solution
for your little exhibition.
We could've fooled you
and left victorious.
But today for the first time I saw
my father's head hung in shame.
When I saw the pain in his eyes
I felt like I was about to commit
a cardinal sin.
You've questioned my lineage,
so I'll answer you.
But don't you dare say
a word about my father.
Look at me spouting lines like
a Bollywood hero!
Signor Mishra... this is our DNA -
we can Muslim by birth,
and yet sing Hindu devotional songs.
We can eat at Abdul's house
and still keep a fast for Lord Rama.
We can head to the mosque
for urdu poetry...
and watch Lord Rama's play alike...
where no one acts better
than my friend Pintu Khan!
This is our neighborhood.
This is our true colour.
And I love my colourful family.
I'm never leaving them.
As far as my DNA
and the question of whether
I'm a Hindu or a Muslim
or an ape, is concerned...
you did all this to get the Signor
Malpani's wedding contract.
Honorable Signor Mishra
and my dearest TD,
This contract is all yours!
Let's go dad.
Billu... Pandit Tripathi.
My speech may not have
impressed Mishra and son,
but it convinced Aishwarya.
She wasn't getting married without me
singing at her wedding!
Where was she gonna find Bhajan Kumar
and DJ Romeo rolled into one!
The Twitter handle practically
writes itself.
This neighborhood had found
its true colour.
Pintu now plays the demon as well as
the boatman who helped Lord Rama.
My speech went viral only
because of Raghubir...
it taught me that people can change.
I can give you this guarantee.
There was a wind of change
in the mood and the neighbourhood.
Dad always says...
Life is nothing but change.
It fills my heart with joy.
I still play snakes and ladders,
but I'd learnt that that my family
are actually my ladder.
It was up to me whether I rise or fall.
Think of this as Billu's law...
or like Newton uncle you too can wait
for an apple to fall on your head.
I must take your leave now.
So friends, be it a wedding
or a funeral...
whether you need Bhajan or Romeo,
don't forget to think
of our big, fat...
Great Indian family!
You believe in good deeds
or what a holy book claims?
Bro, it's all the same!
The Geeta, Bible and the Quran
what do they all proclaim?
Oh yeah... It's all the same.
Every face, a different attitude...
we're a multitude of many a mood.
Many tongues and twangs we speak,
we got every flavour you seek
Step on each other's toes and bicker,
we may that's how we dance...
it's the tune we play!
We're a billion and one too many
No one is to blame!
Mister... It's all the same!
Do the rays of the sun care
what your faith is?
It's all for one...
and one for all!
Does the pouring rain ask
what your creed is?
It drenches us all...
big or small!
So what if you're black or white?
No matter if you're chill,
or a little uptight
It's these differences we must love
We're no different
to the God above
Bro, if you think
one is less and one is more...
Bro, isn't that a bit lame?
O yeah... it's all the same!
If it's the Ganges you worship?
We're all still the same
If the Mecca is your trip?
We're all still the same
If you're a sikh with a turban
We're all still the same
If you're singing a Christmas carol
We're all still the same
We're each a child of God
a billion peas in a pod
When you and I both bleed red...
let us put this hate to bed
We're all the same
We're all the same
We're all the same
Bro, we're all the same!