The Great Masquerade (1974) Movie Script

- And now for an exclusive report
from High Gardener in Miami.
- One of the most publicized events
staged in Miami Beach
has been moved to the
middle of the ocean.
The Artists and Models Ball,
sponsored annually by
philanthropist Sherwood Gates
for the Orphans of the World Society
will not be held at the
Fountain Blue this year.
Instead it will take place on
the luxury cruise ship
the SS Emerald Seas, while at sea,
three weeks from today.
In the past three years each beauty
met a horrible death
shortly after being crowned Queen of
the Artisan Models Ball
murdered by an unknown
person or persons.
The victims, Olive Clayton,
from Washington DC,
Francie Jonas of Atlanta,
and from Miami beach, Judy Brooks.
Will the jinx follow the ball
even in the middle of the ocean?
Will this years winner to
be savagely slain?
We are sending our ace news team,
Jenny Jordan and Mike Mason,
to photograph the ball.
If anything happens, you'll be
there, on Eyewitness News.
Meanwhile on Miami Beach the manager
of the Fountain Blue
and the chief of police have
put their foot down
on Sherwood Gates balls until the
murders are solved.
- Go on.
- I was hungry see,
that's all it was.
All I wanted was her purse, but when
I grabbed her hand bag
she came along with it.
How was I supposed to know
she had tied herself to
her hand bag?
- So you dragged the old
lady three blocks?
- It was her or me.
- I see.
And you're 29 and she's 89.
- Well she outweighed me.
- Yeah.
- She had on these rubber
toed shoes you know,
really slowed me down.
She kept dragging her feet
making little tread marks
in the sidewalk.
- Yeah.
- Step out please.
Name? - Fanny Hill.
- Urma Ladoosh.
- Pussy Galore.
- Tiny Tim.
- Peters.
- Peters what?
- Dick Peters, can't you
see I'm a man?
- No shit.
- Dave did you see the
hookers we booked?
Man you wouldn't believe what goes
on with those chicks.
And the incredible thing is,
they like it here.
I mean I don't like it
here and I'm a cop.
- Casey.
- Some of them are pretty
good looking broads.
- Casey listen a second.
- What?
- Come here.
Have you uh
noticed anything funny
about the chief?
I mean uh,
does anything seem strange
about the way he acts?
- Nah, he's an old dick
from way back.
Probably thinks we're a
couple of snotty kids.
- Naw.
Well I think the chief, is a little
bit on the gay side.
- You think the chief is a
little on the gay side?
Dave you've been in vice
too long baby.
No way, it's time for a
little nappy nap.
He's married with
grandchildren for Christ sakes.
- He's always staring at me Casey,
looking me up and down.
Jesus it's driving me nuts.
- When did it start?
- Week, maybe two weeks ago.
- Nah Dave, you're not getting me
in that kind of scene.
No way.
No way, now forget it.
Hi there Chief.
- Morning Chief. - Morning Dave.
How's Trix?
- Just great Chief.
Great, Trix was just great.
- Do me a favor Dave.
- Chief, we're kind of
busy right now.
Hey Dave, do the chief a
favor will ya?
- Turn around for me will ya Dave.
- You want me to turn around huh?
- Yeah, you know, step out here
and do a little spin
around you know.
- Yeah.
- A little slower Dave.
Don't go anywhere.
- He likes you Dave.
- Shut up.
- Hey can I be your pimp?
- God dammit Casey what
am I going to do?
- Don't do anything, let
him do it all.
- That's not what I mean.
- Well just,
say hey Chief, I'm awfully sorry,
but I'm already engaged and
show him your ring.
- I don't wanna embarrass
the old guy Cas.
- Well just say Chief,
I don't wanna embarrass you,
but I'm not a fag so freak off.
- You're a great help.
- Good morning Collins.
- Morning Officer Fulton.
- Would you do me a favor please?
- Do a good turn for the lady.
- Yes, if you please.
- You uh, want me to spin?
- Mmhmm.
- And for this years model, in
yellow and brown.
- That's very nice, very nice.
- Got a good tush too.
- Pull your pant leg up
will you Collins.
Your pant leg up, just
right up there.
Above the knee please,
above the knee.
Oh that's good.
Terrific legs, terrific legs.
- Let's go back in the office.
- You can put your pant
leg down now.
Very nice, very nice.
- Jesus.
What the hell is going on?
- I don't know, but can I watch?
- Oh you're a real buddy
you know that?
The chief and his right hand man
are giving me the eye.
My world.
The whole world is falling apart,
and you're making jokes.
- Just remember Dave,
the whole world
is a comedy to those who think.
- Oh yeah, well what's
your excuse huh?
- Collins? - Yeah?
- Can you come into
the chief's office for a
moment please?
- Yes sir, yes ma'am.
- I wanna know everything Dave.
Don't leave out the dirty parts,
I'm a grown man I can take it.
I even go to R rated movies.
- Come in.
Come in Dave.
Sit down.
Dave, we've got a
proposition to make.
- I figured you'd say that.
- How'd you like a nice big fat
promotion Collins?
- Well uh...
- It could make your career as a
police detective Dave.
- Look Chief, and Officer Fulton,
I'm really uh,
very flattered by all this,
but you see uh,
well there's my girl and uh, and uh,
she's, she's a little jealous,
very jealous in fact and uh,
I don't really think
she'd go for it.
- Well of course not Dave, and
you wouldn't tell her.
- This is a covert operation,
Collins, naturally.
- Naturally.
- Now listen to me Dave.
I realize this is a little strange
and sort of sudden and
you're a little tense.
" Me!
No, not me Chief, not tense.
- The point is Dave, that when
you've been in a department
as long as I have,
you'll realize that sometimes
methods like this
have to be used.
Now you're not just coming through
for me, or for Fulton,
you're coming through for the
whole department.
- The whole department.
- It's quite an assignment Collins.
- It will make you or break you.
- Yes it will.
Yes it will.
- Well Collins, what do you say?
- I'm touched Chief,
touched and flattered as I
said before, in fact
I'm sure the two of you are a
little bit touched too.
But the fact is,
I'm gonna have to bow out Chief.
Over and out.
Take care of yourself Chief.
I'll always remember the two of you
with great fondness.
- Now sit down Collins.
What kind of crap are
you handing me?
I offer you the biggest undercover
assignment of your life
and you're backing out.
- Undercover assignment?
- We want you to investigate
the Artisan Models Ball
homicides Dave.
- The last three winners
of that contest
have been brutally murdered.
Now God knows what weird
perverted mentality
is after these poor kids
but we haven't got
a single lead on him or her,
or whoever it is.
We've got to get a man
on the inside.
And make him come to us.
It's too dangerous to assign a
woman to the case.
- That's a moot point Chief.
There are women who could handle it.
Attractive, intelligent,
motivated women.
- Alright let's not go
through that again.
The point is we need a
man that can pose
as a beauty contestant.
- You want me to pose as a
beauty contestant?
- You'd make a very
attractive young lady.
- With the proper
preparations of course.
- You have just two weeks
to turn yourself
into a pretty girl Dave.
- Two weeks?
- This years Artisan Model Ball
takes place in two weeks.
It'll be held on a luxury
liner the Emerald Seas.
- Two weeks Chief.
- Yes, we've been in contact with a
Mister Gregory Lasalle,
a female impersonator who runs a
charm school here in town.
You're to contact him immediately.
Now he won't know
you're a policeman.
He'll think you're just a
just a young man who
wants to learn to be
a female impersonator.
- I see.
- Casey will be working
right along with you.
On the boat he'll pose as your
escort or your boyfriend.
- Escort Chief.
He's not my type for a boyfriend.
- Whatever the choice is yours.
- I think I should go and bring
his escort in Chief,
don't you? - Mmhmm.
That is Sherwood P Gates Ill,
he's the originator and one of the
chief sponsors of the ball.
Now despite his benevolent exterior,
he's a notorious playboy, has
been for a long time.
Now it's known, that he
propositioned the three dead girls
and that all three
rejected his advances.
This is Vito Vito and his
bodyguard Paco the Paranoid,
known underworld figures,
who've built a local empire
smuggling cocaine and heroine.
And this is Vito's sister Rita.
Now Rita has been trying to enter
the Artisan Models Beauty Ball
Contest for three years,
and every year she's been rejected.
Now we know that Vito does not want
her to enter the contest
but what we don't know is why.
- Doesn't seem like we have very
much to go on does it?
- The main question is,
why would Gates, or Paco, or Vito
kill the beauty contestants?
- That's what you'll
have to find out.
Remember Paco is the one to watch.
He didn't earn his nickname Paco the
Paranoid for nothing.
He's takes exception to every
side long glance.
Even harmless remarks.
He's been known to assault people
who ask him for directions.
- Any questions?
- Yeah.
What do I do while he's learning
how to act like lady?
- You'll be bugging the
apartments of
Sherwood Gates and Vito Vito.
- But Chief
that's such a drag.
- I'm up for a promotion.
You know what that means?
- It means we can get married?
- Right.
Except that before I get
the promotion,
I have this little assignment.
It's just a little undercover
work that I have to do.
It'll take a couple of weeks and uh
during that time I won't be able to
write you or phone you
but I want you to know
you'll be in my thoughts
the whole time.
And after the assignment, when I
get the promotion,
look out baby.
Why are ya looking at me like that?
- Like what?
- You have a kind of suspicious
look around your eyes.
- Oh I'm not suspicious Dave.
I trust you.
I understand about your work.
I know you have to go away
for weeks at a time.
I know you can't write or phone.
I know you're involved in
dangerous assignments
that could cost you your life.
I understand all that.
I'm not suspicious.
There's only one thing I wanna know.
- What?
- Who is she?
- Lesson number one,
you must regard yourself
as a creation.
Not a freak, to be a good
female impersonator.
Creation begins with mist
and ends with mass,
the intangible given a name.
What will your name be Dave?
- How about Gertrude?
- How about Faith?
- l'll buy it.
- Faith Cummings.
- Not bad.
- Then you must think
Faith Cummings.
Eat Faith Cummings.
Breathe Faith Cummings.
Sleep Faith Cummings.
And most importantly you must
believe Faith Cummings.
Can you believe?
- I think so.
- Then you've got the Faith.
Alright now move with more grace.
Let your hips sway from
side to side.
That's it, watch your left hand on
your hip, that's it.
Now slowly turn around,
turn around slowly.
Oh my God Faith, you look like a
victim of an Apache Raid.
You don't believe faith believe.
- I believe, I believe.
- Walk don't talk.
That's it, that's it.
Now let those hips sway
very very gingerly.
Oh you're moving so well.
That's my boy.
That's it turn around very slowly.
Oh just divine, that's good, now
carry on, that's it.
Oh how lovely you're doing it.
Oh you're moving so, you're going to
be the hit of the party
I can just see it, I wish
it were my party.
You're doing it, look at that,
it's alright,
you're doing a beautiful job.
Just beautiful.
No, no ,no Faith.
We do not apply makeup as though
it were finger paints.
It's not the same thing,
and we don't slap it on in
great gobs and hunks.
We apply it gingerly.
- You know I'm beginning to think
I'm really not cut out for this.
I mean some people are just
innately masculine.
- Put the make up on Faith.
- I mean I think I'm just too,
- Butch.
- Jesus.
- Cut yourself again?
You're going to have so many
bandages under there,
it'll look like the mummy's armpit.
- Funny.
I suppose I have to shave
my chest too huh?
- Well why don't we just pluck it
and save you the aggravation?
- Luchio here.
Talk fast.
- Luchio Mio.
This is Gregory.
- I'm so busy, I'm working
on a masterpiece.
- Yes darling, me too.
Can you do me a favor?
I'm in a terrible rush.
Well I have a young man
in training here,
and we need a bosom for him.
Well I know the marvelous
work you're doing,
and I wonder,
what size?
What size Faith?
- About a 38.
~ 38?
~ 38?
Just a minute.
Suzy would you stand up please.
And turn around.
Thank you.
- Oh God.
That's so gosh.
Send over a 36.
- I'm working on 36 right now,
you can have them in the morning.
- Oh thank you so very much.
Kisses to Tiny.
BYE bye.
What do you want, some
kind of freak?
Alright darling, it's
visual aids time.
I have some pictures that I
want to show you.
Here that's it, spread this out.
Here see?
- What are these for?
- Oh these are for the most
important part of the test.
- I don't get it?
- The most important thing Faith
is you see the world
through female eyes.
You see a handsome man for instance.
- Oh no you don't, uh uh.
- It's acting Faith,
that's all it is.
You don't have to really be
turned on by the guy.
You have to allow for the
possibility to enter your head.
- Oh he can enter the head
but everywhere else is off limits.
- Look at these pictures.
Now is there a man here that
looks attractive to you?
Is there one that gives you
just a little tingle?
- He's not bad.
He's no good.
- He's attractive.
- He's kinda cute.
I mean uh...
- Does he give you just a
little tingle?
- Not me, but if I were a broad,
he might.
- Well stretch your imagination.
Imagine you're on a date with him.
Alright now come on now.
Now close your eyes, alright,
try to picture it,
that's it.
Alright now, he knocks at the door.
What then?
- I let him in and introduce him
to my mommy and daddy.
Oh. - What's his name?
- Something ordinary like,
- Rock, of that's one of my
favorite names.
I adore it.
Go on.
- Uh, we get in the car.
Go out to dinner - Uh huh.
- Take in a movie. - Uh huh.
- Now we're alone in the car.
Uh oh. - What?
- I'm not the type of girl that
kisses on the first date.
- What happened.
- He crushed my corsage.
- By George she's got it.
- So.
Am I a success?
- You were beautiful darling.
But there's one ultimate question
which must be answered.
- What's that?
- Will you fool anyone?
- How do we find out?
- We give you the reality test.
- Reality test?
- Good evening Mister Bartender,
may I have a Tom Collins please?
- Tom's out of town but would you
care for his replacement?
- Oh that's good.
- What's your name honey?
- Faith Cummings.
- Oh well now I'll certainly try
to keep the faith.
- And what's your name?
- Rock, it's short for Rocky.
Oh what's the matter?
- Caught a rock in my throat.
I mean uh,
went down the wrong pipe.
- Hey you okay.
- Swell. - Good.
What do you do Faith?
- Oh I'm a secretary.
What do you do?
- Everything.
- For a living?
- I sell insurance for a living.
What I'm trying to say is
your valuables will be in good hands
with your rock baby.
Got anything you want to insure?
- How about my sanity?
- Hey you're alright Faith.
Hey Charlie, how about another drink
for the little lady?
You know something that is one
terrific necklace
I really-- - Oh no
touching now Rock.
We don't wanna tarnish it now do we?
- No we don't wanna do that do we.
Welp, drink up babe.
Here's to ya.
Here's looking at ya.
- Well, do you come here often?
- Only when I need the booty.
Only when I need the booty.
- What is this your night
off or something?
- Oh yeah you know, the wife's out
of town and everything.
- You're married?
- Of course I'm married.
Everybody's married.
I've got two kids, you wanna
see their picture?
There see, see that?
Not bad huh?
Well you ready to go?
- Go, go where?
- Well uh, there's a
terrific little motel
just about three blocks
down the street.
Here I'll show you.
I got post cards, you see that?
Milton Arms, not bad huh?
Or a nice little cubbie hole
at a hotel downtown
that I use for very
special occasions.
Or we could uh, probablyjust
go on out in the car
and save a couple of bucks.
- Not very subtle are you?
- Subtle?
Subtle for what?
- Well I mean,
a girl doesn't like to be rushed.
- Hey I already bought
you two drinks.
Now you owe me something.
Now come on, I wanna get back in
time for the ball game.
- Let go of my arm.
- HEY-
What do you think you're here for.
I said I wanna be back in time
for the ball game
I don't wanna play games.
Of course all I want is a quickie.
- All you want is a quickie huh?
No way to treat a lady.
- You okay Rocky boy?
Jesus you gotta watch out for these
damned women libbers.
- Hey nice comeback.
Your face looks like a blood test.
Take my wife please.
My wife went to the beauty parlor,
she got a mud pack,
for two days she looked nice.
Then the mud fell off.
- Don't push so hard.
- I'll never get it in
if I don't push hard.
You should have oiled it.
- Just shut up
and stick it in.
- Put some Vaseline on it first.
Go on. - Oh alright.
Like this. -All around.
- Is that better? - Much better.
Look it's almost in now.
- Oh it still
doesn't fit right.
Try to push it to the left honey.
Wait it's
getting scratched.
- Scratched it's getting scratched?
- How could it get scratched?
- Yeah how could it get scratched?
It's got a ton of Vaseline on it.
- Maybe I have it
in the wrong hole'?
- Well that's good, he's got it
in the wrong hole.
- Wanna put it in a
different place or something?
- I've never put it in
the wrong hole before.
- Well then just push it
and maybe it will go in
all the way okay?
On three this time, one, two, three.
Wow it's in, it's in.
- It's in, it's in?
- What's the matter now Sherwood?
- I was just wondering will I ever
be able to get it out?
- You gotta get it out.
It's no fun if you don't get it out.
- See it's stuck.
- Oh boy, well just leave it
where it is honey,
okay, let's just go out to dinner.
- They can't go out to
dinner like that.
- But my cuff links are in
there and my wallet.
- Oh no.
Okay here we go again.
- Wait, wait, it's cracking.
- What?
- Something.
- What's the matter?
What is it?
- That looks like a...
- How's about the linguine?
- She's great linguine Vito.
- She done yet? - Almost done.
(knocking at door.
- Yeah?
- One two buckle my shoe.
- What's this one two
buckle my shoe bit.
- What do you mean,
it's the password.
- That's right.
- Well, I just passed with honors.
I am now a full fledged
female impersonator.
- Well that's better than
what you used to be
a full fledged police impersonator.
- So I got our orders.
I'm Faith Cummings and
you're Tobey Bricknell.
- Tobey Bricknell, whoever heard
of a Tobey Bricknell?
- I thought you'd like it.
- I hate it.
You liked it.
You always get the good stuff.
- Did you get anything on
Sherwood Gates?
- Well, now I know he's got a gun.
- Agun.
What about Vito and Paco?
- Those guys aren't crooks.
They're cooks.
All they ever talk about is food.
- Hey is the
meatballs quickie yet?
- Not yet Vito, almost.
- Well beat him for
another 15 minutes.
- Quickie meatballs?
- Yeah that's what I said, all they
ever talk about is food.
- Doesn't make sense.
- Well maybe not, but we can get
some great recipes.
- Are you pounding
the meatballs Paco?
- Yeah Vito, I'm
pounding them.
I'm pounding them good.
- Well keep pounding them.
Until they get nice and tender.
- They're getting tender, they're
getting nice and tender.
- You two gonna quit working
and come to dinner?
- In a minute huh, in a minute.
- You come now and eat your fill
'cause next week you're gonna be
cooking for yourself.
- What do you mean by that?
- I mean I'm going to enter
the Artisan Models beauty
Contest this year,
whether you like it or not.
- No you ain't.
- Yes I am.
- You're already been turned down
three years in a row.
Now what do you wanna
keep taking that kind of
punishment for?
- Because I wanna, that's why.
- No you don't wanna.
No fiance of mine is gonna
be no contender
in no beauty contest.
I don't want no judges or no...
Nobody else looking at you
in no bathing suit.
- So I take off the bathing suit.
- Take off the bathing suit?
I'll kill ya, I'll make ya mort and
put ya in the ground.
You're gonna be my wife not
some piece of meat
for no judges to drool on.
Nice girls they don't do
things like that.
Nice girls they stay covered from
over here to over here.
And nice girls you know,
they stay a virgin until
they get married.
You know what, my wife's gonna
do better than that,
'cause my wife's gonna stay a virgin
even after we're married.
She ain't going in no contest.
And that's final period,
you can forget it.
- Really, just remember Paco,
we ain't married yet.
- You remember--
- HEY-
Let's everybody calm down huh.
it ain't just the idea you'd be
wearing a bathing suit Rita,
there might be some kind of
danger in this thing too.
- Danger, what's this danger?
You insinuating I can't protect my
fiance from danger?
Huh Vito is that what
you're telling me,
I can't protect her?
I'll protect her from anything.
If a mountain starts to fall, you
know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna get underneath it,
pick it up,
and put it back up again, that's
what I'm gonna do.
Nobody threatens my fiance, nobody.
She's gonna go in the contest.
- Oh thank you Paco.
Oh this man, he's a man?
This man I worship the feet he
walks on this man.
Right? - Right, right.
- And you're gonna be so proud of
me Paco when I win.
- Alright fine, but you're
still ain't wearing
no bathing suit.
You're gonna be covered from
here to over there.
- No I ain't. - Yes you are.
- I ain't. - You're gonna.
- I ain't. - Yes you are.
- Please God, let them
get married soon
and move out.
- So Gates found the mic and Vito
spends all his time
talking about meatballs.
Well that's great.
Just great.
- There is one other thing Chief.
- What's that?
- Well Vito told Rita that
he didn't want her
to enter the contest
because of the danger.
- But we already knew that Casey.
- So we're right back
where we started.
- At least we haven't lost
any ground Chief.
- Whoopie.
- Chief Willinghand's office,
Fulton here.
Okay 10-4.
Sherwood Gates is on his way up here
and he's plenty mad.
- Jesus, you guys get out
of here quick.
- Chief Willinghand,
I am Sherwood P Gates Ill,
the P is for the pandemonium
I'm going to put
your police department in in
about five minutes.
You know why I'm here.
- Uh no I don't Mister Gates.
Unless it concerns our
investigation into the
artists and models murders.
- How very droll of you
Chief Willinghand
to assume the role of
public defender.
What argument will you
sling my way next?
National Defense?
- No one's going to sling anything
your way Mister Gates.
- Nothing except a hidden
microphone in my apartment.
- The chief of police can not
be held responsible
for the over zealousness of his
subordinates Mister Gates.
- We'll just let that statement
hang there for awhile
Miss uh...
- Fulton.
- Fulton, until it sinks of
it's own weight.
- What's the purpose of this
visit Mister Gates?
- The point is that I do not
like being bugged.
And on this very point
the law is with me
despite the rather incredible fact
that you were the laws
local representative.
Awire tapping episode could
be pretty costly
to your career Chief Willinghand.
I've seen lives go up in
smoke for far less.
Far less.
- You seem to forget Mister Gates
that three girls have been murdered.
Now we don't intend to sit back
and let it happen a fourth time.
- It won't happen a fourth
time Miss uh...
- Fulton.
- Miss Fulton.
- And how can you be sure of that.
- Because the murderer has
been apprehended.
- What?
- Turned himself into
me this morning.
His name is Carl Fancher.
Came to my office and
claimed that he killed
all three girls.
- This is incredible.
Well where is he now?
- Out front, in custody
of my bodyguard.
They're double parked in
front of your station.
- This is simply outrageous.
Why didn't you report this
to us immediately?
- You're the one that's
outrageous Willinghand.
Imagine bugging me-
Now I'm warning you,
unless you wanna be brought up
on criminal charges
of illegal wire tap,
keep your clumsy stupid cops away
from the Artisan Models Ball.
It's a charity affair.
Charity Chief Willinghand.
The participants will not take
kindly to police harassment.
Now you've got your killer and
the case is closed.
And if you cross me,
you might just find your
little bugging episode
in three inch type on the front page
of the city's newspaper
you understand?
- Yes Mister Gates.
- See that you do.
Come along and get your suspect.
- I killed them.
I killed all three of them.
It's pretty good for a
guy like me huh?
I hope they didn't suffer any pain.
But we're all born to
suffer pain right?
- Right Fancher.
- Yeah.
All of us born to suffer pain.
- How long have you had that cough?
- Oh,
it's nothing I just,
I smoke too much.
Where was I?
Oh yes the girls I killed.
the first one I killed
was really good.
But the second one, the second
one was even better.
But not as good as the third.
No the third one,
the third one was really,
really the best one.
- Satisfied Chief?
- For the time being.
- Remember those headlines.
And goodnight to you Misses uh...
- Fulton.
- Fulton, goodnight.
- Fulton,
better call Dave and Casey,
we'll postpone the operation.
- Do you think that's wise?
- Well there's no need to
proceed with it now.
- Yes sir.
- I got a surprise for you honey.
- What? - I didn't get
the promotion.
You know what that means?
It means I'll be right
here with you,
we can do everything we planned
because I'm not going away.
Isn't that fantastic?
- Why're you looking at
me like that?
- Like what?
- You got that suspicious look
around your eyes again.
- Dave I'm not suspicious.
I understand about your work.
I know you're involved in life
and death assignments
that come up one week and don't come
off the next, really.
I appreciate the tension.
The grating hours.
The uncertainty that
accompanies a job
with changes like yours.
But there's only one
thing I wanna know?
- What?
- How'd you screw up the promotion.
- So after I strangled her,
I dragged her off of the bed,
and I propped up in a chair,
and I lit a cigarette,
and I put it in her mouth.
I think it made her happy.
- Did it make you happy Fancher?
- I guess so.
- Let's go Fancher.
- I think it did make me happy.
- What do you think?
- It seems awfully easy doesn't it?
- Too easy.
Just doesn't smell right.
- Yeah he knew all the answers,
I mean things,
information not generally
known to the public.
- Yeah but he could have rehearsed
and sent in here with a
well prepared story that
fits all the details.
- Yeah but why, why would he do it?
- Look at him, listen to that cough.
10-1 he's a dead man in six months.
- It's true, but that even
makes less sense.
Why would he pretend to
be the killer?
- If he has a family somewhere
who's about to come into a lot of
money if he goes to prison
in place of the real murderer.
And the odds are he'll
plead insanity
and wind up in an
institution any way.
- Or at least he'll die comfortably,
I mean more comfortably
than he lived.
- You know I think we outta go ahead
with the operation as planned.
If the real murderer is
still on the loose,
we'll take advantage and
catch them off guard.
- I'll call Casey and
Collins in the morning.
- Hello?
What time is it?
Three AM?
Just a minute.
Dave wake up, there's someone named
Fulton on the phone.
- Hello?
It's what?
For when?
Tomorrow afternoon?
It's on again.
Goodnight, I mean goodbye.
The case is on, we leave tomorrow.
- Who's this Fulton person?
- My superior honey.
- Oh really.
Officer Fulton, Officer Fulton,
she's a cop.
- Does she work undercover to?
- Not under my covers,
that's your job baby.
- It better be.
- Hello.
Yes I was asleep.
What can I do for you Lieutenant?
Okay Lieutenant.
That was Lieutenant Fulton.
She wants us on the cruise
ship Emerald Seas,
tomorrow afternoon at 3:30.
And we're to dress in civis but
bring Keystone Kops outfits.
- Keystone Kops outfits?
- Yes, there will be 10 of us there
dressed as Keystone Kopss.
We have to protect the
beauty contest winner.
- Oh I'd rather go as the
ballet dancer.
- Oh shut up and go back to sleep.
- Don't you even want me
to help you pack.
I always helped you pack before.
- Honey this assignment is
really undercover
and very confidential.
- I won't tell anyone.
- Honey please go to work.
- Alright.
Good luck.
- See you in about a week.
- Come back in one piece.
- Honey you're going to be late.
- Cookie baby how are ya?
Going to work?
- Where are you going?
- Top secret kid, top secret.
Stay cool.
- Hi come on in.
- What a thing to greet
your buddy with.
Oh had a little rough and
tumble last night huh?
- I'm almost ready.
- You know,
I've been thinking.
This isn't going to be such a bad
assignment after all.
- How so?
- Well the way I figure it is,
Fancher is the killer,
which means you and me are
going on an assignment
which doesn't have any
reason for existing.
- Except as a safeguard huh?
- Yeah.
But just think,
all those beauty contestants,
free room and board,
a trip to Nassau,
and no killer to worry about.
So there we are having a ball.
You, me, Faith and Tobey.
Tobey and Faith correct,
and while Tobey's out picking up
the beauty contestants
you'll be in there with Faith.
- Very funny.
- You have to admit
Faith is your type.
- Even though she's a drag, yuk yuk.
- It could be some vacation.
The four of us out on
the Emerald Seas.
- Well, how do I look?
- Like an old hooker in
a new bottle.
- I thought I looked pretty good.
- You never did have any taste.
- That's for sure, look who I
chose as my escort.
Let's go, the ships going to
sail without us.
Thank you.
- Why has the prize money been upped
to $15,000 Mister Gates?
- The amount is irrelevant madam.
After all who could put a price tag
on the beautiful woman.
- Does it have anything to do
with the murders?
- Absolutely not.
- Isn't it true that you've
had a hard time
scraping up contestants this year
due to adverse publicity.
- Why don't you news persons ever
think positively eh?
I don't know whether
you've heard or not,
but the killer was apprehended and
is now in police custody.
- Why is it you allowed known
underworld figures
like Vito Vito to come on board
the Emerald Seas Mister Gates?
- Anyone who gives is allowed madam,
and Mister Vito has always
given generously.
- You don't mind being associated
with that kind of--
- I believe I have already answered
your question madam.
- Well look who we have here
ladies and gentlemen,
underworld czar Vito Vito,
with his family.
Miss Vito, are you going to be a
contestant this year?
- Yeah, I'm a contestant.
- What do you wanna know for?
You gonna make something of it?
- No of course not.
- Then keep your nose out of it.
- Calm down will ya?
A little hot headed, especially when
he's around my sister.
- They ain't gonna see her
in no bathing suit.
- Shut up, they will to.
- Cover yourself up,
what's the matter,
you're going crazy of something?
You looking at her huh?
You looking at her, nobody
better look at her.
- I do what I want.
- Hey uh, let's use a
little discretion
to these stories huh fellas.
I'm depending on ya.
- You're Lucy McRae aren't you?
- Yes that's right.
- You used to be in show
business didn't you?
- Right again.
- And you're black aren't you?
- You're Mister
Sherwood Gates fiance?
- That's right?
- Well how does it feel
to be engaged
to one of the wealthiest
men in America?
- Listen, I don't love
him for his money
if that's what you're implying.
- Oh what do you love him for?
- I haven't yet decided.
- Miss-- - No.
I'm her mother I do the talking.
- What's your daughter's name?
- Oh my name is Margo and
this Jennette.
Yeah she is beautiful isn't she?
And there isn't a blemish on
her entire body.
And there also isn't a girl on this
ship who can touch her.
Oh I'm sure they're all
very nice girls.
Some of them even with
mothers and fathers.
Oh God bless them.
But my daughter here well,
she's just as wholesome as
a glass of milk.
Well go on, touch.
Go ahead.
Isn't that nice.
- Very nice.
- I'm talking now with Flo
and Ruth Bobish.
Hi Flo, Hi Ruth.
- Wave Ruthie.
- Oh hello.
- You ladies come to the Artisan
Models Ball every year
to collect for the
orphans of the world.
Isn't that right?
- Yes that's right Jenny.
- Yes for the orphans and
here's a picture of one.
- Oh gee, poor little fellow.
He looks really hungry,
doesn't he Flo and Ruth?
- That's why we're collecting.
- Order me a
whiskey sour I'll be
back in a minute.
- Where are you going?
- Gotta powder my nose.
- Inn keeper.
- Jesus.
- What's the matter with you?
- I went into the men's
room by mistake.
- Jesus, anyone see you there?
- Just Sherwood gates. - What?
- It was an accident.
- And what'd you do?
- Well I excused myself
and then I went into
the ladies room.
- Uh yeah?
One thing about you boy,
you got class.
- Excuse me.
I think you dropped this in
the men's room.
- Yes.
Thank you I'm
so embarrassed.
- You needn't be.
The same things happen to me.
- You mean you went into the
men's room by mistake?
- Who's this?
- Oh that's my escort
Tobey Bricknell.
I'm Faith Cummings.
- You're one of the contestants?
- Yes.
- Lovely name.
Faith Cummings.
- And you're
Mister Gates?
- At your service.
- You have a strong grip.
I like that in a woman.
- You outta see her backhand.
- Won't you join us Mister Gates?
- I'd be delighted.
- Well this is my first ball,
I'm so excited.
- They're very exciting occasions.
- You know I remember my first ball.
A little low on the outside.
- Balls,
must be old hat to someone like you.
- No, I never tire of
the excitement.
The color, jocularity, the high
spirits of the occasion,
always given me a positive
attitude toward life.
It's hard not to have a negative
attitude these days
don't you think?
What with all the wars
and mendacious politicians,
boorishness, stupidity,
it tears the heart,
takes away ones faith in humanity.
But meeting you has
restored my faith.
- I'm touched.
- I'm nauseous.
- Perhaps you'd have a drink
with me my dear,
later in my cabin.
- Why Mister Gates I--
- Ah don't worry, everything
will be quite proper.
- Hey Gates.
Vito wants to talk to
you in private.
- Right now?
- Yeah right now, come on.
- Excuse me Miss Cummings.
- Yes. - I'll see you
later I'm sure.
- Ta ta.
- That guy's unbelievable. - Who?
- Gates.
Didn't you see the way he
came on with the,
I mean here you are, you're sitting
down with your escort,
and this guy comes on
like oozing butter.
- Well I can't help it if he
finds me attractive.
- You didn't have to lead him on.
- I think you're jealous.
- How'd you like to find your head
stuffed halfway through a porthole.
- Listen, why don't you go see
if you can get a bead on what's
happening with those guys?
- What are you gonna do?
- I'll check
things out up here.
- Okay-
Don't flirt with everybody okay,
I mean it doesn't look good.
- Ge lost.
Bartender another drink please.
- I'll have what she's having.
I didn't know you were
cruising too Dave.
- The name is Faith.
- Yes, how careless of me.
But I want you to know I'm delighted
to see you here.
I was beginning to think
this whole trip
would be one long lonely bore.
- Well I must be off.
Jesus! - That was a quick trip.
- Yes it was, yes it was.
- Gin and tonic please.
- So, it's
come to this again.
- I'm sorry Mister Gates.
- You shouldn't be,
it's not your fault.
what's this about whose
fault it is huh?
Whose fault is that?
Whose fault is this?
We all profit from it right huh?
- There is a moral question.
- It's not humane.
- Who you talking to humane.
What's this humane crap,
you're getting paid for it ain't ya?
- I'm sorry to say that,
yes I am.
- He's sorry to say
he's getting paid.
Really sorry.
- He just likes to hear
himself talk.
That's all.
So Mister Gates,
everything shipshape this year?
- Everything's the same as
it was last year
and the year before that.
- Remember you are treading
on the sickness
of a human being that should be
in an institution.
is that your solution to Gates,
an institution?
- No, you know it isn't.
- Mister Gates,
he feels kind of guilty about
this whole thing.
Right Gates?
- Right Vito.
- Well,
he should.
he should feel very, very guilty.
Right Gates?
- Right.
- But now, he's getting something.
And we're getting something.
Fair is fair.
Everybody gets a little something.
Right Gates?
- Right.
- Hey you're damned right.
- Looking for somebody?
- Looking for somebody?
Looking for somebody?
Yeah I was looking for somebody.
- Who? - Who?
- Yeah who're you looking for.
- Well I've been looking for you?
- For me, why me?
- I really don't know where
the cafeteria is.
Good day. - Ciao.
- Hey who's that?
- I don't know.
But I think he's in love with me.
- In love with you!
- Excuse me sir,
do you know where I can find
Juan Hutee Almerta?
- Yes, he is the
gentlemen with a beret
at the end of the bar.
- Thank you.
- Are you Juan Hutee Almerta?
- What?
- Si, I mean yes I am.
- So you're the guy who
paints the girls bodies
for the Artisan Models Ball?
- Yes I am.
- How much would you
charge to paint mine?
- Oh you look like a winner.
So I will not charge you anything.
But if you do win,
I Will Want 25%
- Okay, can you come to my
stateroom tomorrow morning
so that we can look
over the designs.
- Oh definitely, I will be there at
Ten with my paints.
- Oh look.
Everybody's dancing.
Excuse me.
I seem to be catching a cold.
- Take my shawl.
- Oh thank you, that's
very sweet of you.
- Good evening Faith.
- Oh back again so soon.
- Care to dance?
- Delighted.
- Don't they make a lovely couple?
- Yeah.
Gee ya know,
she looks awfully familiar to me.
- Everyone looks like someone
else darling, everyone.
There is not one original
face on the globe.
- I know you from someplace don't I?
- Yes as matter of fact you do.
- Where?
- Try to remember Lucy,
it will certainly help all
of us if you could.
- Well, well, well,
how are you today Miss McRae huh?
- I'm alright how are you?
- Just great, we're great.
We're just great, right Doc?
Ain't we great huh? - Hey Paco.
- We're just great ain't we Doc.
- Why don't you take the doc outside
and have a little talk with him huh?
- Come on Doc, we're gonna go
for a little walk.
Hey, c'mon let's go.
Let's go.
- Lucy, LUCY-
- What do you want Vito?
What do you want?
- Just to be near you Lucy.
You know, you don't got no idea how
important you are to me.
- Oh really, how extraordinary.
You mean absolutely nothing to me
Vito, just nothing.
- Flattery don't get you no place.
- Look Dave I think we're
on to something.
- Dave?
Casey? - Cookie
What are you doing?
Where's Dave?
I mean where's Faith?
- Your friend ran off to dance.
- Excuse me. - Wait, Casey.
- Oh bless you.
- Well hello there.
Don't we have a
conversation to finish?
- Mind if I cut in?
Thank you.
- HEY-
- I couldn't get it all but this
doctor's in it somehow
and Gates is in it up to his ears,
but don't ask me how or why.
- One thing, how'd the hell
did Cookie find us?
- I don't know.
The whole thing's a mess.
I should have joined the
sanitation department
like my brother Melvin.
He really cleaned up.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- Where the hell have you been?
- What do you mean where the
hell have I been.
- Yeah where the hell have you been.
The ships been through
customs an hour already.
- I'll tell you where I've been,
I have to refill 40 cases,
that's 480 cans of that
pina colada mix.
- Yeah well what the hell did you do
to the pina colada mix after
you threw it out?
- After I threw it out, I put
it in plastic bags,
and I put it in the backseat
of that red Buick
that was down there at the
end of the pier.
- The Buick. - The red one.
- The red Buick down at the
end of the dock.
- Yeah.
- That's the chief custom
inspector's car.
- I know, I know, he
found it already.
- He fuck, he what?
- He found it, he probably figures
he's got a load of cocaine.
I saw him looking all around,
and he took off.
- He took off.
What happens if he takes one of
those things and tastes it?
What then stupid?
- He's gonna think he has
pineapple flavored cocaine.
- Pineapple, you're crazy,
you're really botch you know that.
Back the truck up over there
so I can get the two
porters to empty it.
- Wait a minute. - Hey.
I want you to go back and get four
or five more of our boys.
Alright, I want you, I want them
to come back to the
masquerade with us tonight.
- Why?
- Because I want them there in case
we get in any trouble.
Then I want you to go to
my state room.
S44's the number.
It's up stairs. - I know
where it is, I know.
- You know, okay? - Yeah.
- You're gonna find a big yellow
box, a big yellow box.
On the side of the box it says
Dixon Costume Company.
- Got it, got it. - You got it?
In side the box there's six
Keystone Kops outfits.
- Keystone Kop?
Why Keystone Kops?
- Listen, don't be.
Because if there's any
real cops on board,
they ain't never gonna figure us
for being no Keystone Kops right?
- You're right. - I know.
- Beautiful.
- Alright see ya.
- Nassau again.
What a drag.
- I like it, I think it's
a sweet place.
- So long as you don't
pinch anything Flo.
- You can count on me.
- Looks like Vito and his gang
are going ashore.
- You haven't seen the
doctor have you?
- No, I haven't.
- Look, keep your eye out for him,
'cause I have a hunch that he
might be helpful to us.
How do you feel about taking a look
in Vito's stateroom?
- Let's go.
- You little son of a bitch.
- Hello? - Hello.
This is Captain Dorma,
may I speak with Chief Officer
Willinghand please?
- Chief Willinghand and
Officer Fulton
are shopping downtown Nassau.
- Shopping, listen three passengers
have been stabbed on my ship.
We have an eye witness
to the last one
who said a clown stabbed a girl.
- Yes Captain I know.
But there are a lot of clowns
running around the ship.
And I can't arrest them all.
- All passengers your
attention please,
this is your cruise director,
and on behalf of the captain and
the crews operator,
I would like to apologize for
the inconvenience
that you have suffered as a result
of this killer being
loose on the ship.
Now this has never happened before
and it's beyond our control.
Now for your safety the
captain has ordered
that all of you go to your
cabins and stay there
until this maniac has been captured.
Thank you.
- Well, what happened to your
little pick up Sherwood?
She desert you for someone a
little younger huh?
A little more limber?
- Lucy stop! - No you stop it!
- Stop what?
I haven't done anything.
- You're always so
innocent aren't you.
You're always the innocent one.
- Usually yes, at least to the
things you accuse me of.
- Liar!
- Lucy keep your voice down, please.
- What about those three
girls Sherwood?
Did you celebrate an innocent
stretch far enough
to encompass them too?
Tell me.
- What's the matter?
- Nothing, nothing Sherwood.
- Can I get you something?
- Yes.
You can get me something, just peace
and quiet that's all.
Just peace and quiet.
- Dave come here.
- What is it? - It's a receipt.
- For 40 dozen cases of
instant pina colada mix.
- What the hell's he want 40 cases
of instant pina colada mix?
- Maybe he's got a bad pina.
- Give me Vito's stateroom please.
- Hey, what's the matter with him?
- Hello?
- What are you doing here?
Please get out of here before,
before something happen to you.
- Here let me help you Doc,
come here.
- I'll be alright.
I'll be alright.
I'll be alright.
I must get medication to
Doctor Gates.
- Let's take him over to our cabin.
- Let's go.
- Who's this?
- His names Doctor Ravenna.
Paco worked him over a little bit.
Why's he got pass on my bed?
- Why'd he do this to you Doc?
- I say nothing.
- Well well.
When did you two get on board?
- Oh we just boarded in Nassau.
- We had a little bit of luck Dave.
- Luck, it was more than just luck.
It was pure investigative skill.
- Well whatever it was
Fancher broke down
and confessed the whole story.
- Yeah Gates paid him to
confess to the murders.
- Yeah and since Fancher was dying,
he went along with it.
- Yeah the thing is, once he
realized he wasn't dying
he told the truth.
- You see Gates fed him
all the details,
gave him all the facts, he gave
credence to his confession.
- The question is,
how did Gates know all the details.
- I know, I know.
'Cause Gates is the killer, right.
- So then when do we arrest him?
- Well it's fairly simple Dave.
Apparently Gates is being
blackmailed by Vito,
who knows about the murders,
into smuggling aboard this ship vast
quantities of cocaine.
Now this cocaine is wrapped in wax
paper and smuggled in,
in cans of instant pina colada mix.
Pina coloda is, as you know,
a delicious drink,
comprised of pineapple and
coconut juices,
which when blended produce a tangy
taste to the palette,
none too tart, none too sweet,
but just...
Well as a matter of fact, one zany
night in Puerto Rico
the chief and I we...
Sorry Chief.
- Anyway the way it looks now, Gates
is our chief suspect.
And Vito knows it, he's
blackmailing him.
We figured if we could
get on this ship
and rode it into Miami,
we'd get ourselves not only a killer
but a whole ring of coke smugglers.
That's why we held off on
arresting Gates.
- So what do we do in the meantime?
- We proceed just as planned.
You enter the contest
just as we decided.
- Aside from averting suspicions,
it will give us a great sitting
duck for the killer.
- Yeah, I forgot about
that part of it.
- Hey uh, what do you think of
our costumes huh?
Arlene and I went down and,
I mean Officer Fulton and I went
down and picked them out.
I doubt that there'd be
many people dressed
as a Keystone Kop.
- Hey, how do you like
this number huh?
Just like the movies I used to
see when I was a kid.
With the pianos going tinkle tinkle.
whatever happened to the old moving
pictures anyway huh?
- I'll tell you what happened
to moving pictures.
They're waiting for me that's
what happened to 'em.
- They ain't waiting for you.
You ain't going to no
moving pictures.
You're going to stay home
where you can cook and make babies.
- You quit telling me what to do.
- Hey you know something?
You too make me sick.
I'm going to the can.
Hey Paco. - What?
- Paco, the doc.
He ain't in the toilet no more.
- What do you mean he ain't in
the toilet no more.
I gave him a shot in the head,
he couldn't walk six
inches by himself.
- You give him a shot? - Yeah.
- You give him a shot.
I give you a shot you moron,
he got away.
- Chief, you think
Fulton will be okay
down there with the doc?
- Fulton will be okay anywhere,
- We'll cover the Aquarius Lounge,
okay Chief?
- Okay I'll stay here, you guys keep
your eyes peeled huh?
- Right Chief.
I thought the chief was gonna
cover the Rainbow Room.
- And here's the
hilarious comedy team
you've all been waiting for folks.
Direct from sunny Miami Beach,
the Laugh Gators from Comedy Box,
Lou Marsh and Tony Adams.
- Holy cow.
- Did you get hurt?
- Huh? - Did you get hurt?
- Are they laughing? - No.
- I got hurt, that didn't
feel too good at all.
- Hey what did you think of
Scotty's beard.
Isn't that beautiful. -
Yeah he looks great.
You look like an armpit with eyes.
- Hey this is a great audience.
- Great audience, so glad we came.
- Hey what were you
doing back there?
- Where, back there? - Uh huh.
- Oh did you see the pretty girls
that are ready to come out here?
- They're beautiful.
- Tall blonde, I was talking to one
of the tall blondes,
blue eyes, gorgeous, pretty.
- What did she say?
- Nope.
- I'm gonna talk to the chief.
- Hey what were you talking to
Sherwood Gates about?
- Sherwood Gates? - Right.
- Oh, we joined a new club.
It's called the Prostitute
Club of America.
- There's no such thing as a
prostitute club.
- See you get excited right away.
There's no such thing. -
There's no such thing--
- What are you yelling for,
I got the card right in my pocket.
- That's not even legal.
- I got the card right here,
Sherwood Gates gave it to me.
He was back there, and said you
wanna join a club.
- Prostitute Club of America.
- Why don't you get eyeglasses?
- What do I need eyeglasses for?
- That's the Parachute Club.
- Holy cow, I signed up
for 22 jumps.
- Chief, Chief.
I thought you were gonna keep a
look out at the bar.
Listen, I have a problem.
My girl's on board.
Well I'm worried she might spot me
in the contest tonight.
What do you think?
It doesn't worry you?
If you're not worried, I'm
not going to worry.
Hey what do you think.
You think I stand a chance of
winning the contest?
Good deal Chief.
You know I think we're
gonna nail Vito
and them rotten
bastards to the wall.
See you later.
- One I gotta tell ya, one day
we get this call,
says come on up to the
hotel right away,
there's a man and a woman,
they're embraced,
they're in the nude, they're dead,
measure them,
and get them the hell outta here.
So we went up to measure em, here
to here, here to here,
we took this mallet to
separate them,
boom, biggest fight you ever
saw in your life.
- What was the fight about?
- We were in the wrong room.
We were in the wrong room.
- There ain't no sign of
them no where's.
- Hey Paco. - Huh?
- See that broad over there.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
The senorita with the
flower in her head.
That's the doll that's going to win
the contest tonight.
- What are you talking about.
I'm gonna win the contest.
- You couldn't win a
ribbon at a dog show.
So shut up before I belt ya.
- What, just because some
floozy comes along,
and what did she do Vito?
Make promises to you, huh?
She made promises to my big brother.
Just to win the contest.
I know her type.
- Paco, see the senorita gets to
win the contest huh.
'Cause then she gets to wear
the crown right.
- Right, right.
- Ah let her go.
Come here.
That chick is a cop.
An undercover agent.
So you tell Gates, that she's
the one to win huh.
And make sure, he uh,
- Right.
- Well that's about it, we
like to leave ya
like we found ya, stunned.
- No we like to leave you ladies
and gentlemen saying--
- This is Lou Marsh.
- And Tony Adams.
- We'd like to leave you with a
word we heard in church.
- Bingo.
- Good night everybody.
- I know your type.
You little slut.
It's fixed, it's fixed.
- Vito, what are you doing here?
Listen I just saw Gates and told
him what you says.
That she's gotta win.
You know what her name is,
Gates new her name.
Her name is Faith Cummings.
How do you like that huh.
Listen, after she wins the contest.
There's gonna be a little
accident alright huh.
A little bit of an accident, right?
So what are you gonna do, you
gonna stand here or what?
Well then I've gotta go find Rita
'cause I think she's a
little bit peed off.
I'll see ya in a minute.
- The festivities are
about to begin.
I only want to remind you
that this ball is held annually,
for purposes of charity.
So dance,
enjoy yourselves,
but never forget,
please, our major purpose,
which is to alleviate some
of the suffering,
so prevalent in our world today.
Thanks again,
and have a ball.
- When contest start?
- Contest?
- Do you remember me? - Jigsaw.
- Oh miss. - Yes.
- Dave.
- Don't say a word honey,
don't say a word.
What, what's the matter?
- I'm so relieved.
I thought you were with
another woman.
- Come on the contest is
going to start.
- Dave you look lovely
in that dress.
- The name is Faith.
- Oh I love you.
- Disgusting, do you see what's in
the world out there.
Now do you still wanna leave home?
- Oh honey, honey I gotta go.
And not a word okay, not a word.
- And now ladies and gentlemen,
the highlight of the evening,
the Annual Artisan Models
Ball Beauty Pageant.
The card please.
Our contestants,
Wanda Voormeyer,
of Zwieback, Connecticut,
only 23 years of age.
What a lovely girl.
A round of applause for Wanda.
And what's this?
A pirate.
Peter Pan would have
served in gracefully,
if Captain Hook could look like
spunky Sissy Sarafian
of Needlenose, New York.
Thank you Sissy.
- Having a pina colada Ruth?
- Flo did you snitch that?
- Oh they have so much of it.
40 dozen crates worth.
- I knew I couldn't trust you.
- Oh what is this?
A prize?
Look at...
- A lovely Hawaiian dancer,
Minnie Mitchner of Fullriver,
Aloha Minnie, aloha.
- What's that?
- Try it.
- Only 19 tears of age,
from Dooley, Arizona,
Penny Puffy, alias Fred.
Delightfully flirtatious
as a french maid.
A bountiful buxom belly
dancer Marlena Murck,
from Ojuice, Florida,
the sour cream capital of the world.
And giving hope to Wounded
Knee and Alcatraz,
lovely Sunny Lee Hoople,
of Busick Falls, New York.
And last but not least, from our
own state of Florida,
home of the Dolphins
and Disney World,
a tall girl in or out of heels,
Miss Faith Cummings.
And here she comes as an elegant,
Spanish Senorita.
And now while the judges
cast their ballots,
and I don't envy this decision
I can tell you that
ladies and gentlemen,
let's dance.
Maestro, once again.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the judges have decided on a winner.
And that winner is,
from our own Miami,
Miss Faith Cummings.
- That's my boyfriend.
He's the queen.
- Congratulations Miss Cummings.
- Oh thank you Mister Gates.
And thank you all.
- Casey you've got a keep
an eye one David.
They're planning on bumping him off.
- You guys ain't going no where's
unless you wanna leave half your
guts on the dance floor.
- Come with me please,
I have someone who would
like to meet you.
- Thank you but I've got...
But uh,
who wants to meet me Mister Gates?
- You'll find out just keep smiling.
- But uh,
how did a man like you
get involved in something
like this Gates.
- There are workings of
heaven and earth
that are not dreamt of in your
philosophy Faith.
Now please do as I say.
I will truly hate to
have to kill you
here on the dance floor.
- But Gates-- - March.
- You bozo, I'm talking to you.
- Rita what are you doing?
I can't talk to you now.
Can't you see that I'm working.
I've got a gun on these two guys.
- To hell with your gun.
You talk, talk, talk ,about
me with other men,
and then you go fix the
contest against me.
Me your sweet heart your fiance.
So you can go jump bozo,
'cause I'm living the
life of my own now.
And you're worried about
me and other men.
Here watch this.
- I'm gonna kill ya.
- You take care of Dave, I'll
take care of Vito.
- Hey you're pretty good.
- Yeah well I have a reputation
to keep up you know.
- Take two Dramamine
and you'll feel better in
the morning Louie.
- Can I buy you a drink?
- Sure.
- Oh yeah, finally got lucky.
- HEY-
- But you said you'd lend me $75.
- I can't, I'm a little
short this week.
- Lucy, I brought
someone to meet you.
Come out.
This is my poor fiance.
Lucy McRae.
We would have been married.
We would have had a family.
We would have been happy.
Except for the accident.
- Accident?
- Sherwood.
My head.
My head Sherwood.
- Lucy, was once a beauty queen.
Until a jealous
competitor assaulted her.
Beat her with a stick.
- Sherwood.
She has my crown.
- She suffered brain damage,
which caused these
terrible seizures.
These awful fits of violence.
- If you loved her so much Gates
why didn't you take her to a doctor?
- Doctor?
- I did.
Doctor Ravenna.
He told Vito Vito the whole story.
Later he repented, became
remorseful and maudlin.
Tried to save himself, but
it was too late.
- Doctor.
I don't understand.
I don't know any doctor.
- Vito was on my back.
Blackmailing me.
I was smuggling his cocaine for him,
using my boat for his
filthy contraband.
What recourse did I have?
Send Lucy to an institution.
I couldn't,
do that.
- So you let her kill
three girls instead?
- She enjoys it.
Some people play hockey-
Others fish.
I admit it's not very nice.
I wouldn't dream of doing it myself.
But for Lucy it's relaxing.
And necessary.
I can afford it.
- Tell her to take off my
crown Sherwood.
Tell her to take it off.
- I believe she wants you to
take off the crown.
- Take off my crown.
- Gates you're not going to
let this happen.
You can't!
- I'm the queen.
I'm the only queen.
- Sorry Lucy but you're not
the only queen.
- A pervert, a pervert on my ship.
- You tricked me Sherwood.
I hate you.
- No my darling.
- You tricked me!
- No!
- Sherwood my darling.
- Dave, you okay?
- Yeah, yeah I'm okay.
- Dave's the one you've been
hearing and reading about
all over town folks.
- Not just me.
- He's the police detective
who disguised himself
as a beauty contestant in
order to investigate
the artists and models murdered case
and investigate he did.
In fact he unearthed not
only the murderer
but an entire ring of
coke smugglers.
Wow, that must have been
pretty scary huh Dave.
- No Jen, you see
the thing is that I worked on
the inside of Faith
and I really didn't get to
see how it looked
so I just did my job you
know what I mean.
- No.
- Well what I mean is that
there are some people
that I'm sure were affected and
perhaps they had some sort
of an identity crisis as a result of
my masquerading as Faith but uh
I never really personally felt
any sort of crisis at all.
- Can we go now?
- Well thank you Dave and Cookie.
Now we're going to say a few words
to Dave's partner Casey.
What was your name sir?
- Who wants to know?
- My name's Kiki Donahue,
and next year I'm gonna
be a contestant
in the Artisan Models Beauty Ball.
- No you ain't.
- Yes I am.
- You ain't.
- Yes I am.
- You ain't.
Stop that, did you see him?
Did any of you see him?
I'll put you all in the ground.