The Greatest Surf Movie in the Universe (2024) Movie Script
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(THEME MUSIC)
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Oh, you're fucking kidding.
Fucking... fuck!
Bulllshit fucking Armageddon reception.
Fuck!
Oh!
G'day.
Didn't see you there.
I bet you thought the world was fucked up in 2023, right?
Well, let me tell ya, things get a lot worse in 2033.
You see, just 10 years from now
a virus more deadly and more contagious
than anything we've ever seen before
wipes out 75% of the world's living creatures.
I'm talking humans, bush turkeys,
and fuckin' goblin sharks.
They all get fuckin' decimated.
Excuse me for one second.
(GRUNTS AND YELLS)
Arggh! Arrgghhh!
(SIGHS) Where was I?
Oh, yeah.
That's right.
Just when it's looking like
the end of life on Earth as we know it,
a brilliant geneticist named Jonathan Figg
comes up with a vaccine that completely cures the disease.
Everyone in the world gets the jab...
but there's one fucked-up side effect...
it completely erases all memory of surfing from the human mind.
So not only does no-one surf anymore,
no-one can even remember what the fuck surfing is.
Can you imagine it?
All those waves going unridden all over the world
and not a single surfer out there riding them.
With no idea what they're supposed to be doing
with the rest of their lives,
the world's best surfers aimlessly disappear
into what's left of society.
I told you, mate.
The future is a fucked up place.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Surfing's in real deep shit.
However, not all is lost.
Because one man is in possession of a magical key
that will unlock the memories of surfing.
But first he just has to remember
that he was once one of the all-time greats.
In fact, he fuckin' dominated it.
Fuckin' kidding me?
Not even fuckin' plugged in.
(SHOUTS)
Arrggh!
(WHISPERS) Which one is it?
Ah! Here we are.
Now, before we meet our hero,
let's check in with the bad motherfucker
who makes ocean waves in the first place.
(VIDEO HOME SYSTEM CLICKING)
(TV STATIC)
Fuckin' VHS!
Suck that, you internet fucks!
(LAUGHS)
(ETHEREAL MUSIC)
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(WATER SPLASHING)
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(WAVES CRASHING)
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Where have all the surfers gone?
(TICKING CLOCK)
-Hughie! -(CANNED LAUGHTER)
Brother!
What's going down?
Arrgh! This is bullshit, Joe!
It's a fuckin' disaster, mate!
Oh, no!
Is the surf empty again?
Mate, there's not a single cunt out anywhere.
Here I am working my fuckin' arse off
making the sickest cones on the planet
every single day, and for what?
There's not a single prick out here to surf 'em!
Where have all the surfers gone?
You know what?
I'm gonna start beekeeping.
I fuckin' love bees.
Except when they sting ya, the stingy little pricks.
Dude, all the bees are gone.
The virus killed them.
Remember?
What?
No bees?
But where am I supposed to get my honey?
Well, some say my voice is even sweeter than honey.
Here, have some. (RETCHES)
Dude! That is gross!
Nup.
We need to get surfing back.
And the only way we can get it back
is to find the guys that were the very best at it.
Guys who fuckin' dominated.
That's all there is to it.
But where the blazin' fuckin' hell
have they all gone, by crikey?
Oh, they're still around,
they just don't remember they're surfers anymore.
The vaccination completely wiped their memories
and they just wandered off into what was left of society.
(CANNED LAUGHTER)
Duh, I know that.
Hmmm.
We need to somehow remind them of who they are.
What they were put here to do.
But how?
We need a hero.
An all-time great,
to shepherd the surfing flock
back through the shadow of the valley of death
and emerge to take a look at their lives
and realize there's nothing left.
You mean someone like him?
HUGHIE: Mick Fanning!
JOE: Looks like he's gotten himself into meditation or something.
FANNING: Are your chakras on the dim side?
Are your healing stones lacking cosmic vibrations?
(ENCHANTING MUSIC)
Do your crystal balls feel weighty and swollen?
Here at Fanning's Yoga's Meditation
and Esoteric Scrotum Massage Retreat
we have all the solutions to your spiritual needs.
Come meet me on the astral plane
and let's discuss your journey to enlightenment, flexibility
and a much lighter testicle pouch.
JINGLE: Fanning's Meditation and Yoga Resort
Making you totally awesome!
VOICE-OVER: (ON VIDEO) Science has proven that attending this resort
makes you better in no way possible.
Fuck, he's gone weird in the head!
But he's our only hope.
If we can get him to lead a team
and make a surf movie, it could save surfing.
But it can't be any old surf movie.
This has to be the greatest surf movie in the universe.
(RECORD SCRATCHES)
You mean better than Blue Crush?
That's a big ask, man.
Yeah, Soul Surfer was a great movie too.
Mate, Bethany is such a legend.
And what about Surf's Up?
I love those goofy little penguin fucks.
Oh, and Point Break, of course.
BOTH: If you want the ultimate rush,
you've got to be willing to pay the ultimate price.
It's not tragic to die doing what you love.
Oh, man, that's a great movie.
Bodhi is based on me, you know.
Anyway, enough of this.
We can make the greatest surf movie in the universe
but we need Mick Fanning to do it.
How are you going to get to him?
Have you fucking lost it, Joey?
I can't go see Mick.
I hate fuckin' patchouli smellin'
Byron Bay hippy fuck sticks.
Plus humans can't see me in the flesh.
You saw what happened last night?
(DOORBELL RINGS)
(DOOR WHIRRING)
Two supremes and a large triple seafood
with extra barnacles?
I'll take that large
with the extra barn off ya hands, champ.
Wait.
Aren't you Hughie the surf god?
Wait, don't look at me!
(SCREAMS)
(THUD)
Keep the change, cunt.
Nah, mate, nup.
Joey, you'll have to do it for me.
Plus, you're into all that fuckin' spirro bullshit.
Go meet Mick on the astral plane.
Tell him to get his crew together,
six of the best surfers to have ever done it.
Tell him they need to make
the greatest surf movie in the universe
and help bring back the memories
of all the world's surfers.
Tell him surfing is relying on him.
And make sure you tell him
if he fails, I'm gonna melt his fuckin' face off.
Ok, got it.
But before I go, should we jam?
(LAUGHS) Fuckin' oath we should!
Two, three, four...
I've got a peanut butter cup
(DINOSAUR ROARS)
And I'm ready to rock
I've got the rhythm of the morning light
I've got the strawberry jam all over my hand
And I'm moving with the morning tide...
(CLOCK TICKING)
-...and I'm ready to rock - (HUGHIE SNORES)
I've got the rhythm of the morning light
I've got the strawberry jam all over my hand
And I'm moving...
(ROOSTER CROWS)
Let's go, Hughie, come on!
(BOTH SING) Whoo hoo
Oobie doobie doo
Shoobie doobie doobie doo
Yoo hoo, yoo hoo-hoo
Shoobie doobie doobie doo
Yoo hoo, shoobie doobie doo...
So, with the wheels in motion,
Hughie sends Joe Turpel
to find Mick Fanning somewhere on the astral plane.
Question is,
will Joe be able to trigger Mick's surfing memories?
Will he be able to transform this illuminated soul
back into the Cooly bogan that he once was?
For the sake of surfing, let's fuckin' hope so, hey?
(GRUNTS REPEATEDLY)
(INSECTS CHIRPING IN DISTANCE)
For fuck's sake!
Ohmmmmm.
()
(SIGHS)
JOE: (DISTANT SINGING) Hoo hee
Yooee yooee yoo
Hooee yooeehoo yoo hoo...
Come on now!
What's that shit noise?
JOE: Yoobie yoobie yoo yoo yoo
Ooh hoo, yoo hoo hoo
Yooie yooie yoo yoo yoo!
Mick! It's me!
Joe Turpel.
The official commentator of the Global Shred League,
presented by Gooch Sweat,
the official beer of the Global Shred League.
And Goat Soy,
the official soy milk of the Global Shred League.
What the fuck are you on about, cunt?
What is this?
How'd you get here?
I've been sent here by Hughie to give you a mission,
a mission to save surfing.
Hughie?
The Official Surf God of the Global Shred League.
Man, have I been licking cane toads or some shit?
None of this makes any sense.
Look, I know this is gonna sound hard to believe,
but 10 years ago there was a sport.
It was called surfing.
And you fucking dominated it.
Then a virus hit
and it wiped out two-thirds of the world's population.
A brilliant geneticist named Jonathan Figg
created a vaccine that saved the world from the virus
but it simultaneously
wiped surfing from everyone's memories.
Mick, I've been sent here by Hughie
to tell you to form a team,
a team of six surfers.
You must remind them of their talents
and then you must together
make the greatest surfing movie in the universe.
Only then will the world remember
and surfing will be saved.
(RECORD SCRATCHES)
And what if I don't?
What if I like my life of meditation
and stretches and nut rubs?
Oh, if you decide not to help or if you fail,
then Hughie will melt your face off.
Not much of a choice, is it?
But how do I know this is even real?
I've never surfed in my life.
You could be some sort of strange astral illusion,
a figment of the imagination.
Oh, but you do surf, Mick.
Meditate with me.
Meditate with me
and voyage into the deepest recesses of your mind.
Think back and remember who you are.
Ohmmmmm...
(ROCK SONG PLAYS)
()
The eye of the mountain
Is the soul of your sea
I've been dancing on the hillside
Since the ocean cheated on me
I've missed your moist touch
And your eyes so crystal blue
Well, I'll meet you down below
At the bottom of the deep black hole
Yeeeaaahhh
Yeaaahhhhh
Yeah, yeah
Baby, I'll be your merman
And I'll swim all over you
I feel the motion of the ocean
Yeah, my blood is burning blue
Baby, I'll be your dolphin
I'll give you every breath I can
And when the time is right in a private place
I'll let you play with my dorsal fin, yeah
Ahhh, my blood is turning blue
Yeah, I wanna be wet with you
Woah, I wanna be wet with you
Yeah,my blood is burning blue
Woah, I wanna be wet with you
Yeah, I wanna be wet with youuuu
Baby, I'll be your merman
And I'll swim all over you
I feel the motion of the ocean
Yeah, my blood is burning blue
Baby, I'll be your dolphin
I'll give you every breath I can
And when the time is right in a private place
I'll let you play with my dorsal fin, yeah!
()
No fuckin' way!
It's all true, man.
You're the only one who can save surfing.
But where do I start?
I can't remember any other surfers
let alone where to find them.
You have to start where surfing started
in Hawaii.
Go there now and find the unicorn.
But I just put my car into be serviced.
Hughie has given you magic legs, Mick.
Use your magic legs.
Run, Fanning.
Run, Fanning, run!
(ECHO) Run, Fanning, run!
Whoa. That was trippy as.
(ELECTRICITY ZAPPING)
Hmmm, magic legs?
I wonder...
NARRATOR: So, Mick is finally on his way.
To where?
Who knows?
Why?
I can't remember.
For what?
Who gives a shit?
All I know is that those ghostly pale legs
were running so fast
sparks were coming out of Mick Fanning's butthole.
Sir, Sir?
You may want to come and take a look at this.
What's shown up on the radar.
()
Ok, that guy has got the best legs I've ever seen.
We're not going to stop him.
I can see my house from here!
MICK: Right.
Hawaii.
Now to find the unicorn.
(SNIFFS) What's that smell?
(SNIFFS)
It smells like a reggae festival.
Is that coming from that guy?
Maybe he can help me find the unicorn.
Okay, guys, welcome to Mason's Totally Bitchin' Volcano Tours.
My name is Mason Ho and I'll be your volcano guide.
Please stay on the path at all times.
And if you get thirsty,
do not drink the lava because that shit is hot!
Haha!
That's just a joke, but don't drink it
'cause I tried before and I burnt my tongue really bad.
Mason!
Oi, mate!
Do you remember me?
Eh, haole boy!
Did you buy a ticket?
Because it's $30 to see the volcanoes.
Look, you probably don't remember me
but my name is Mick Fanning.
We used to travel the entire world together,
having adventures in the ocean and stuff.
What do you mean?
OK, let's see if I can get this right.
10 years ago a sport existed.
It was called surfing, and you fuckin' dominated it.
Then a virus hit
and some dumb cunt doctor named John Figg
made some shit vaccine that got fast-tracked
and it erased all our fuckin' memories.
Now Hughie the Surf God
wants me to put a team together
and make the greatest surfing movie in the universe.
I think I'm here
because you're supposed to be in that movie.
What?
But I'm a tour guide now.
I take people up volcanoes
and make sure they're safe and having a rad time.
-(TOURISTS SCREAM) -Oh, shit!
What have you done?!
(BOTH SCREAM)
Hey!
Are you guys Ok down there?
Hey, don't drink the lava!
I'm serious this time!
Nooooooo!
MAAAAAAASE!
()
Wait! It's all coming back to me.
(GROOVY SONG PLAYS)
()
Fly away with me
And I'll take you through the sky
I'm a sensitive new-age horny kinda guy
Fly away with me
And I'll take you anywhere
No destination planned
Man, I don't care
Open up the window to my mind
Ooh, ooh, ooh
It's a magical mystery world
One hell of a time.
Oh, yeah! Come on, boy!
(WHISTLES TUNE)
()
Open up the window to my mind
Ooh, ooh, ooh
It's a magical mystery world
One hell of a time
I'm a horny, mystical, spiritual miracle
Rainbow sliding man
One hell of a time
Yeah, one of a kind
()
(WATER SPLASHING)
()
Get fucked!
The unicorn.
Joe was right!
Hughie!
The mission!
It's real!
(UNICORN WHINNIES)
MASON: Damn!
I've turned into a unicorn.
Woah.
And not just any unicorn, a super hot unicorn.
Look at my eyes.
Look at my horn.
Look at my buttocks!
Look at it.
Now do you remember, Mase?
Yeah, man, I remember everything.
We have to save surfing.
Let's do this!
(SNIFFS)
Man, your lovely pink mane smells like mull cookies.
Oh, you're a good boy.
Look how soft and squishy you are.
Hey, cut it out!
You can smell but you can't touch.
Ohh, Mase, come here, mate.
Have a cuddle.
-Cut it out. -Good boy.
MASON: Now let's go get these other surfers.
Fly away
Whoo hoo hoo!
It's so, so magical
Look at this view!
Up so high...
MICK: Oh, my God, this is so epic!
Yee hoo hoo!
Together
Forever and ever
Everything is better when it's you and me...
MASON: So, where do we find these other surfers?
I've got no idea, man.
I'm only just tapping in to my own surf memories now.
MASON: But wait.
Haven't I seen you on TV doing those weird spirro ads?
You're a meditation swami, right?
Why don't you try and find these guys
in the Hendrix dimension with all that trippy shit?
MICK: That's actually a good idea.
That's where I was when I got this mission
in the first place.
I'll give it a crack.
(MICK BREATHES DEEPLY)
Ohmmmmm.
MASON: Who is that?
(GRUNTS)
MICK: Oh, no...
(FARTS) Ahhhh!
MICK: Phwaw!
(BURPS)
It's Wilko!
Wilko is the guy we need to find next.
Away, hot unicorn!
Away to the north!
Hazzaaar!
(NEIGHS)
MASON: Wilko?
No way!
I remember Wilko.
Wasn't he a country music star?
MICK: All I remember is that at one point
he was number one in the whole world.
And that he stunk.
(HORSE WHINNIES)
MASON: Wait.
Isn't that him right below us?
MICK: No way!
What are the chances?
Away, hot unicorn.
(NEIGHING)
()
MASON: How's that giant hot piece of horse?
Wilko!
It's Mick and Mason.
How are ya, brother?
Wilko?
Who the fuck's that?
You're looking at Uncle Willie.
MICK: Cut the shit, mate.
I've got something important to tell ya.
10 years ago a sport existed.
It was called surfing, and you fuckin' dominated it.
Then a virus hit.
Now, Hughie the Surf God wants us to make
the greatest surfing movie in the universe.
We're here because you're going to be in it.
You're gonna help save surfing.
(STIRRING MUSIC BUILDS)
-(RECORD SCRATCHES) -What are you on, cunt?
What a load of horseshit.
Mase, he ain't gonna listen.
MASON: No worries, Mick.
I got this.
Hiii-ya!
Oww! That just missed my nuts.
Hey!
(HORSE WHINNIES)
Stop rooting my horse!
(GROOVY SONG PLAYS)
()
I just need a little bit of juice on my lips
And a lady by my side shaking her hips, yeah
Shoot the shit with a bunch of buds
I've been laying rio and lubing up deals
Nine to five most days of my life
But on the weekend it's my time to play
Let's do it yo!
So saddle up, it's a Saturday night
And the beer's ice cold, yeah, the time is right
To let all your worries just fade way!
Oh, they're fadin' now.
'Cause the country girls know how to play
Yeah, they'll fire up night to day
That sexy riding cowgirl's just my type
Just my type!
'Cause we're rolling down the Upper West Side
Yeah, this is how we ride on a Saturday night
We're rolling and I'm high on life
With a jack and coke and a girl on either side
()
So saddle up, it's a Saturday night
We're gonna blow off smoke and tell a dirty joke, yeah
Let all our troubles just go away
'Cause the country boys know how to play, yeah
They'll fire up every day
That sexy riding cowboy's just my type
Oh, he's just my type now!
'Cause we're rolling down the Upper West Side
Yeah, this is how we ride on a Saturday night
We're rolling and I'm high on life
With a jack and coke and a girl on either side
With a jack and coke and a girl on either side
With a jack and coke and a girl on either side
()
(WAVES CRASHING)
This is nuts!
Mick, Mase!
I remember everything.
Oi, get off my horse, you fuckin' weirdo.
But she's hot.
At last we're on the same page.
Ok, we need to find two more surfers,
plus one more surfer after that.
Wait, you mean...?
Yep, we need three more surfers.
And then what?
If we combine all our surf powers
and make the greatest surf movie in the universe,
it might just snap all the world's surfers
into riding waves again.
But how are we supposed to find these surfers?
(MUSIC IN DISTANCE)
Hey, can you guys hear that?
Sounds like a music festival.
Fuckin' oath! Live music?
I wonder if Tool are playing?
Or Grinspoon?
Or even Phil from Grinspoon!
MASON: Ohh!
Maybe Jimmy Hendrix is playing!
Maybe Stinga Razorblades is playing!
Let's go check it out.
(SINGS OUT OF TUNE)
When I first tried jammin'
It was one of the best days of my life...
WILKO: Fuck!
Stinga Razorblades.
He's the greatest.
How good's his music?
MICK: That's awful.
Sounds like a banshee drowning in a bathtub.
MASON: I'm kinda digging it.
Reminds me of freeform jazz
or having an earthworm crawl into your ear.
This cunt is ripping.
Holy fuck!
...when I was 27
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Thank you, everyone.
Thank you so much.
And see you again next year.
Wait.
You know who that is?
That's Freestone!
Freestone?
Nah, I'm Stinga Razorblades.
I don't know any surfer called Freestone.
-I'm out of here. -MICK: Nah.
He's full of shit.
That's Freestone for sure.
Come one, boys.
Let's head backstage.
WILKO: Backstage at a Stinga Razorblades gig.
No way.
Mum will never believe this shit.
(MASON WHINNIES)
Stinga Razorblades.
Oh, man, that was awesome!
Thanks, man.
But how did you guys get backstage?
Have you got AAA passes?
'Cause this is actually VIP only.
Has anyone seen Elton?
I'm meant to be meeting him back here.
Freestone, I know you didn't get the vaccine.
You've never been into that shit.
So that means your memory never got wiped.
Yeah, I never got the jab.
But to be honest, man, I just wanted to sing.
Haven't you heard my latest single?
'Ranga in a Little G-banger'?
Goes a little somethin' like this...
(SINGS) Have you ever seen a ranga
In a little G-banger
BOTH: Or a ghost that is really a steer
Let the children play in the field...
Listen, mate,
we're here to save surfing and we need your help to do it.
Go back to surfing?
No way, man.
My life is here now.
I'm a musician.
Yeah, and he's actually fuckin' really good, eh?
Yeah, I dig it too.
You can't be serious.
He was born to surf and look pretty
and that's it.
Jack, 10 years ago a sport existed.
It was called surfing, and you fuckin' dominated it.
And then...
Save the speech, cunt, I didn't get the jab.
I remember everything.
Then how can you turn your back on surfing?
Wait!
Man, that's a great title for a song.
(SINGS) How can I turn my back on surfing?
(UPBEAT SONG PLAYS)
I'll sting your face like a razor blade
I wash my balls in lemonade
They're so tight you can see the shape
Of a mongoose choking on a rattlesnake
Well, babe I got a taste
For that chicken and gravy roll
I feel so good when I'm being bad
I got nunchakus and it's super rad
I swing 'em around and cut myself in the head
Then I fall on the couch and I piss on the bed
Well, babe, I better burn those sheets
Before you get back home
The tank is empty, the room is bright
The wolves are rolling out the lippy tonight
I can feel it burning down in my pants
I musta sat on a nest of crazy bull ants
Or maybe it's the fire deep down in my soul
Gotta jump that rattle snake
Chase that chicken gravy roll
()
I'll sting your face like a razor blade
I sting your face like a razor blade
So damn sharp, I got it made
I sting your fuckin' face like a razor fuckin' blade
Too young to die, too old to cry
Watch where you work, babe, you don't want pink eye
The tank is empty and the moon is bright
The wolves are rolling out the lippy tonight
I can feel it burning down in my pants
I musta sat on a nest of crazy bull ants
Or maybe it's the fire deep down in my soul
Gotta choke that rattlesnake, kiss that chicken gravy roll
Maybe it's the fire deep down in my soul
Gotta choke that rattlesnake, kiss that chicken gravy roll
Gravy!
(WAVES CRASHING)
Wow, all this time I've been singing
to try and ease the pain in my heart
that I thought was from not being recognized
as a musical genius like Vanilla Ice or DJ Fisher.
But now I know the pain
is from turning my back on surfing.
I miss surfing.
I miss surfing so much.
(SNIFFLES)
(SOBS LOUDLY)
I'm sorry.
I should've never stopped surfing.
I suck at music.
I'm so shit.
Yeah, nah, you're right.
You're absolutely shit at music.
I'm glad you've finally come to your senses.
I'm gonna go tell my fans I can't keep doing this anymore.
I can't keep living a lie.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Hey, guys.
Guys, if I could have your attention
for just a moment, please.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Hey, guys. Guys!
(JACK TAPS MIC)
Hey, shut the fuck up for a second!
(CRICKETS CHIRP)
So, yeah.
I just wanted to say I'm not really a rockstar.
I'm a surfer.
And I'm quitting music to go surf.
-(CROWD BOOS) -(WILKO SOBS)
Ah, don't do it, man!
The world needs your music.
So, as a parting gift,
I'm going to throw my guitar out there
for one of you lucky fans to keep.
(CROWD CHEERS)
No, fuck that, I'm keeping it.
But you guys can share the rest of my beer.
(BURPS) I still have music in me!
New album coming out soon!
-Woohoo! -MAN: You suck, Stinga!
Ok, let's do this.
How many more guys do we need?
We need one more guy
and then one more guy after that.
Does that mean... we need two more guys?
It means we have to save surfing, dude.
And also that we need two more guys too.
So, yeah, you were right about that part.
Look, I'm pretty sure
there's a pub on the other side of the desert near here.
Let's go there, we can have a beer,
we can talk about our feelings
and maybe work out our next move.
NARRATOR: With four surfers locked in it's beginning to look like
Hughie's brain fart of an idea may actually come together.
But don't you get too excited,
because there's a long way to go.
Hmm... Yum.
(MUNCHING)
(SPITS)
Fuckin' dog food!
Actually not that bad.
(UPBEAT SONG PLAYS)
(INDISTINCT LYRICS)
()
(HORSE WHINNIES)
()
WILKO: Oi, Mick, I was thinking.
What if we didn't make
the greatest surf movie in the universe?
Wasn't surfing already kinda sold out, played out,
and just fuckin' crowded out with fuckin' reptile kooks
before this virus hit?
Yeah, man.
That's half the reason I got into music.
I couldn't surf Snapper without 800 other people.
Maybe we shouldn't make this movie.
Maybe we should keep all the perfect waves to ourselves.
Ohh, boys, boys, boys, boys.
I'm so disappointed in you lot.
Think of all the joy surfing has given us.
Think of the joy it brought to others.
Surfing makes everyone a better version of themselves.
So many people lost so much during the virus.
Surfing was one of the only great things left.
We have a duty to share surfing with the rest of the world.
And that's why this mission is so important.
You're a dead-set legend, mate.
You selfless cunt.
I'm actually ashamed of meself.
MASON: Aww, you're the man.
No wonder you're in the Hall of Fame.
Yeah, well, Hughie also said
he'd melt my face off if I didn't do it,
so I'm pretty off that happening.
Yeah, fair enough.
Good call.
Yep, fuck getting your face melted off.
()
(DISTANT HEAVY DANCE BEATS)
WILKO: What is this place?
Some kind of rank resort for retired pedos?
MICK: I was told this was a pub.
Hey, I know what this is!
This is a Burning Man yurt!
Yes! I love Burning Man!
Clothes off, boys.
Poo wherever you like.
Anything goes at Burning Man.
What?
We can shit in the nude?
Count me in!
MICK: Fuckin' peanuts.
Listen, Mase, we can't get stuck here, man.
God only knows who owns this joint.
Let's have a couple of beers and keep moving.
No way!
(CLAPS)
(GULPING)
()
(SLURPING)
(LAUGHS)
Yes!
Mase!
MASON: Whoa, this place is crazy.
I wonder who lives here.
You guys find anyone?
Nah, but the bar was stacked so we've helped ourselves.
MAN: No way! Visitors!
Guys, don't go anywhere.
I'll be right down.
Don't move, okay?
Yooo!
Welcome to my yurt, guys.
Far out, I haven't had visitors in years!
This is all time.
You guys want some wheat grass shots?
You guys want a smoothie? You guys want some ribs?
How about some buffalo wings?
Whaaaaaat!
You guys are crazy, man.
Whoa, this guy is tweaked.
Oh, man.
It's so good to have best friends again.
You guys can never leave, like ever.
Can I touch your face?
Wow!
Your skin is so much better than Frisbee.
He's my other best friend.
He's over there.
(BURPS)
Mate, slow down.
Who are you?
How long have you been here for?
I don't know.
I don't even remember how I got here.
It was a long time ago.
Anyway, do you guys work out?
There's not a whole lot to do out here.
I do a lot of sit-ups.
Check these abs!
Baby, you could grate cheese on these suckers!
Hey, I've been working on this new riff
for the end of the section
of the greatest surf movie in the universe.
You guys want to hear it?
Mate, I'd rip my dick off to hear that song.
Look, mate, we're trying to find surfers.
You haven't had any swing by this place, have ya?
-Surfers? What is surfers? -(JACK SINGS SONG)
Jack! Shut the fuck up!
No, mate I'm lovin' it.
-Keep on going. -Thanks, man.
You want some cola with that bourbon?
Cola?
Oh, brah!
Mick, I think I know this kid!
I think it's Griff!
Griffin Colapinto.
Griff? Griff?
Griffin!
Oh, yeah, that is my name.
My name is Griff.
I remember that.
Holy shit!
Of all the yurts in the world
we happen to walk in the one with ripped Griff living in it!
This is the fifth surfer!
Griff, I know this is gonna sound weird,
but 10 years ago a sport existed.
It was called surfing, and you fuckin' dominated it.
Then a virus hit
and some dumb cunt made some stupid vaccine
that erased all our fuckin' memories.
Now Hughie the Surf God wants us to make
the greatest surfing movie in the universe.
We're here because you're going to be in it.
You're gonna help save surfing.
You gotta try to remember us, man.
You even stayed at my house once and the surf was cooking.
Hang on a minute.
I think I remember that too.
Did we do, like, 1000 sit-ups when I stayed at your place?
Mate, we did 100,000 sit-ups together.
Whaaaaaaaaaaaat?!
(FUNKY SONG PLAYS)
()
I'll kiss you where the sun don't shine
And I'll let you lick me abs while we wine and dine
'Cause I'll be anything you like if you treat me right
We be pushing those reps in the yurt all night
They call me Ripped Griff, come and take a whiff
Flowing like a gun, yeah, I be super fit, baby
Still repping, boy be shredding
Come on inside where I'll be suppersetting
Got the tightest abdominal, baby, they're phenomenal
You could grate cheese on these suckers when you please
Hi, my name's Griffin
And I'll be your best friend
Griffin, Griffin
Na, na-nah, nah
Griffin, Griffin
Griffin
Griffin, Griffin
Na, na-nah, nah
You're my best friend Oh, oh
Griffin, Griffin
Na, na-nah, nah
Griffin, Griffin
Griffin
Griffin, Griffin
Na, na-nah, nah
You're my best friend
Oh, oh
I've been livin' since the day I was born
Hanging in my yurt all alone getting torn
Lovin' nothing but to get my shred on
Yeah, I'm hardcore pumping in the eye of the storm
Pushing all day and pulling all night
Baby got the buzz that's gonna make your fire light
I'm a man of my word and my word is out
You posers best watch out, I'm eating low-carb cookies
I'm hot, feeling that heat
Gucci on my feet, yo, frisbee take a seat
Hi, my name's Griffin
And I'll be your best friend
Griffin, Griffin
Na, na-nah, nah
Griffin, Griffin
Griffin
Griffin, Griffin
Na, na-nah, nah
You're my best friend
Oh, oh
Griffin, Griffin
Na, na-nah, nah
Griffin, Griffin
Griffin
Griffin, Griffin
Na, na-nah, nah.
You're my best friend
()
No way!
I can't believe we're not surfing anymore.
All this time I've been eating sand
and grating cheese on my abs when I could've been surfing.
Far out, we only need one more surfer.
This is actually gonna happen.
Oi! You two wombats, put on some clothes.
We need to call in the big guns.
And to do it we're gonna have a seance.
()
(BOYS GIGGLE)
Ok, guys, to make this work we need total concentration.
Breathe in.
(LOUD BREATH)
Hold.
Squeeze your balloon knot
into the size of a wasabi pea.
And then when you breathe out say 'Hohmmmm.'
-(JACK LAUGHS) -Freestone!
Mate, this spirro shit is not to be messed with.
If we lose each other in the spirit realm,
you can end up in some pretty fucked up places.
So concentrate, and try to stick together in there.
Remember, the future of surfing is depending on us.
These mushies might help.
I found them outside. You want some?
Oohhh, yes!
Ohmmmmm.
ALL: Ohmmmmm.
Shit! We lost the boys.
They could be anywhere.
JACK: Waaaa!
MASON: Nooooo!
That's crazy.
MASON: This is the best!
-Are you kidding me? -Fuck that!
(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)
What the fuck was that?
Ohhh, fuck, I am tripping balls.
Ohhh, I think I've had too much.
I feel like I'm gonna shit myself.
(FARTS)
Oh, no, it was just a fart.
Oh, I don't know if I'm supposed to be here.
(DOOR SLAMS)
Mum?
Mum?
Mummy, is that you?
(CREATURE SNARLING)
()
What the fuck is going on?
VOICE: (WHISPERS) Come closer.
What is this?
VOICE: (WHISPERS) Come closer.
(TV STATIC)
(HEART BEATING)
(SQUEALS, FARTS)
Don't worry, man.
They'll find their way back.
Eventually.
(BLEEPING)
Hello, Mick Fanno and Unimason.
Congratulations on your journey so far.
You have gathered five
of the greatest wave riders to have ever lived.
If you can find one more,
you will be able to make
the greatest surf movie in the universe
and save surfing.
Yeah, but, Hughie, the problem is
we don't know who to get next or where to find them.
You won't need to find them.
They will find you.
What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
Man, I hate this spirro shit talk.
Hey, Hughie,
is it true you're gonna melt our faces off
if we fail in this righteous mission?
Yes, Unimason, it is true.
Brah.
That's pretty heavy.
I could melt your dick off instead?
Face is fine, man.
The face is fine.
I thought so.
So, do we just sit and wait for this surfer to appear?
You won't have to wait long.
Hughie, you done with that call yet brother?
Let's sing some tunes. (PLAYS GUITAR)
I must go now.
Stay on the path.
Keep the faith.
(SINGS) Strawberry jam all over my hand...
Meh, the mission is definitely gonna fail
with those ding-dongs trying to save it.
Did you hang up properly?
Ooh, shit!
Hi, guys, ignore that.
Different mission.
Uh... stay on the path.
Keep the faith.
Fuckin' technology.
Modern phone bullshit, someone's always listening.
Fuck!
What happened to you guys?
Where did you end up, Wilko?
You don't want to know, mate.
Let's just say, I had to ditch me undies
'cause they're full of wet fart.
Well, you heard Hughie.
I guess we just sit here and wait.
()
(ETHEREAL MUSIC)
GRIFF: Whoa! Did you guys see that?
What was what?
Oi, cunt!
We can see ya.
MAN: Shhh.
Who is this guy?
Do you think he'll be my best friend too?
I am a shadow.
When I move, nobody sees me.
I strike like a cobra, I bite like a bull ant,
I'm smoother than a shaved pussycat.
Some people call me Phantasma.
I am invisible.
I have no face.
I have no name.
I am a ghost.
-Wait a minute. -What?
You do have a face.
You lied to us.
Not cool.
Ando!
Holy shit!
That's Craig Anderson!
Whooah!
It's true.
I'm Ando.
I'm a martial arts warrior, a ninja.
I move like hot wind,
silent and deadly.
Craig, do you know why you're here?
Yeah, I was hired by this anonymous client
to break into the world's most fortified building.
My mission was to retrieve this secret recording.
I'm supposed to deliver it here.
-Who was the client? -He did not say.
All he said was that he'd be here.
And if I did not accept the job,
he would melt my face off.
Hughie!
JOE: It was Hughie, guys.
He sent Ando to find the truth about how surfing got erased.
That's what he's got on that disk there.
Let's see what it tells us.
-Where'd you come from? -Oh, I'm always everywhere.
Watching, listening, talking!
Guys, I've nearly finished my song.
You've gotta hear it.
Yes!
(static)
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY) Yes!
I can't believe I've done it!
I've created a virus
to rid the world of overpopulated line-ups
and a vaccine that's going to erase the memories
of all the surfers that are left.
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
I'm gonna have the world's most perfect waves all to meself.
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
MICK: Oh, my God!
It was Fig!
That greedy fuck wants the surf all to himself.
So that was his diabolical plan the whole time.
The cunt.
What a horrible man.
He's horrible.
I don't understand.
Craig, look at me.
10 years ago a sport existed.
It was called surfing, and you fuckin' dominated it.
Then a virus hit
and some dumb cunt made some shit vaccine
that erased all our fuckin' memories.
Now Hughie the Surf God
wants us to make the greatest surfing movie in the universe.
We're here because you're going to be in it.
You're gonna help save surfing.
(RECORD SCRATCHES)
Oh... Oh, man.
I think you should know
you've got a little booger in your nose.
Oh, I do?
How embarrassing.
It's actually... It's pretty off-putting.
Thanks, man.
There's nothing worse.
Come on, Ando.
Your hair is so beautiful.
It smells like puppies!
Surely you remember.
Yeah, man, you dominated.
()
(FUNKY SONG PLAYS)
()
Fly kick face, only flare and grace
Yeah, I move like the ninja at the fastest pace
You won't see me 'cause I'm already gone
Drinking ice tea with my weapons drawn
I'm the kindest ninja you'll ever meet
But if you do me wrong you're gonna feel my feet
And the heat in the air 'cause it's hot over here
I wear a full body suit no flowing air
When I get back home gonna strip right off
Be a gentleman with my dick in my hand
'Cause I ain't got time for a lady
Martial arts, man, yeah, that's my baby
Love kung fu and I love karate
But most of all, man, I love to party
Ninja style doing lines off a nunchuck
Going round friends for weekly pot luck
Say what's up I made a kung pow chicken
Yeah, that's right,
Oh, I'm a weapon in the kitchen
Give me a kiss and I'll kick your face
I'm a ninja man of the highest grace
Yeah
That's what's up
Ninja style
Ando man
()
Yes! I do remember!
We've gotta stop this evil at all costs.
But breaking into Fig's house is extremely dangerous.
He has six bodyguards with him at all times.
And he also has a room full of strange hunting spears,
weapons the likes of which I've never seen before.
Wait, Craig, these hunting spears,
what did they look like?
Were they six foot tall?
They look like aeroplane wings?
Yeah, man.
That's exactly what they looked like.
With the weird little dolphin dorsals on the bottom.
Surfboards!
We can't make the greatest surf movie in the universe
without them.
We're gonna have to break into Fig's
and steal these fuckers.
Surfboards!
Oh, baby, let's do this!
We gotta do it, man.
I can't go back to living in that yurt
eating sand every day.
My dentist said it's real bad for my teeth on the way in.
That's nothing compared to what it's doing on the way out.
(FARTS) It's burning out my ass!
I can't even fart anymore!
How about we just take a quick five and listen to my song?
It's settled, then.
You'll take us to Fig's,
we'll expose the truth about him,
steal the boards
and then go make the greatest surfing movie in the universe.
Yeah, but should we actually do all that
after we listen to my song?
Ok, I'm going to play it.
Shut up, cunt!
Egg potatoes!
Pile up!
Regulators?
Nah, man.
Egg potatoes.
Little eggs that grow on the ground,
hatch lizards and shit.
And they taste pretty damn good too.
Crackpots, fruitcakes and weirdo types.
But you can't eat any meat off the seat.
You gotta be dandy with eel, if you know what I mean.
Earn your feet!
(HIP-HOP SONG PLAYS)
()
(INDISTINCT LYRICS)
()
()
Wow!
So, this is Fig Palace.
Nah, this is Fig Heaven, man.
Anyone wanna play Figgy In The Middle?
What about This Little Figgy Goes To Market?
Cut the shit.
This is serious.
Craig, how'd you get in?
It wasn't easy, but everyone was asleep,
so it was actually kind of easy.
I just walked in and took it from his secret files.
MICK: Oh, shit!
GRIFF: What's he doing?
CRAIG: Oh, no! He's gonna blow our cover!
Hey, guys, I'm a unicorn.
And not just any unicorn, a sexy unicorn.
You wanna touch my horn?
Don't you fucking get near my horn!
(THUD! SQUISH!)
What?
You've taken out two guards?
That means there's only four to go.
(ALARM BLARING IN DISTANCE)
But now they know we're here.
There's nothing for it.
We just have to destroy them!
(DOOR WHIRRING)
(JOE'S SONG PLAYS) ...peanut butter cup
And I'm ready to rock...
(SOMEONE FARTS)
JACK: Oh, no!
Come get some!
Come at me, bro!
Come on!
We should be friends.
(FRENCH ACCENT) You can be friends.
With this!
Stand back, boys.
These arse clowns are mine.
(GRUNTING)
()
(BOTH GRUNT)
(CHOKES)
(GRUNTING)
(WHINNIES)
(HOCKS PHLEGM)
(FARTS)
Ha! What you got, pretty boy?
()
Oohhh!
You think blue balls are your ally.
But you merely adopted blue balls.
I was born with them.
I molded them.
Look at them!
Look at them!
Ha!
Those aren't blue balls.
These are blue balls!
I'll get him, Ando!
No!
Stinga, you idiot!
(SAD MUSIC PLAYS)
()
(SNIFFS)
WILKO: Oi!
(GRUNTING, GROANING)
Nobody fucks with Stinga Razorblades
on my watch.
()
GUARD: Sacrebleu!
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS)
()
Arrgh!
Leave them to me, Wilko.
(GRUNTING)
I said nobody fucks with Stinga Razorblades!
(SCREAMS)
(STIRRING MUSIC)
()
Time to end this shit.
()
Game is up, Fig.
We know you used the pandemic
as a way to rid the world of surfing.
You and your corpo, reptile plan is done.
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
You muppets!
Did you actually believe
that a surf movie could save surfing?
Surfing was already dead and buried
long before the virus came along.
Its soul had been sucked dry.
Its stories erased of all meaning.
I was a hero to surfing.
It was begging for mercy
and I walked up and with one swift jerk
snapped its brittle little neck, killing it instantly.
You guys should be thanking me.
You're off ya head, cunt.
Maybe I am, maybe I'm not,
it doesn't really matter.
The waves are all mine now.
It's just me, the porpoises and the sea cucumbers.
And while you clowns were on your way here
I just developed a new and more powerful vaccine.
And it's just been fast-tracked
to the last of the world's existing populations.
Nah, this is bullshit!
You failed, boys.
You've had a fucking shocker.
Unless you've got a time machine, surfing is lost!
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
Dude, you are such a horrible person.
You guys reckon he's horrible?
Cause I do.
How do you sleep at night?
No! This is bullshit!
Fuck!
Yeah, you suck, man.
You suck big time.
I'll still be your best friend ever
but I'm super bummed right now.
This is bullshit.
Well, you know what?
If surfing can't be saved, then, neither can you.
(SQUEALS)
(CHOKES)
Say your prayers, Fig.
HUGHIE: Mick! Wait!
ALL: Hughie!
Hello, my sons.
How come we can look at you and not melt?
I borrowed some of Turpel's zinc cream
and it's thick enough to trap the radiation.
-Mick, don't kill Fig. -(GASPS)
It's beneath a champion like you.
It's beneath all you boys.
The entire mission was about sharing the joy of life,
the greatest joy any of us have ever known surfing.
Fig is right.
Before the virus, surfing was lost to many, many people.
They could no longer tap into the magic they once felt.
As they lost touch with their early and innocent experiences
of being in the ocean with friends,
they turned to cynicism and hatred.
But the truth is, the essence of surfing survived.
In the first ride of every grommet.
In the trips with friends to hidden beaches,
and, of course, deep in the cone zone.
For Fig, it was not enough.
The hate overtook everything.
But that doesn't mean we need to hate him back.
Nothing good ever comes from hate.
Whoa!
No wonder you're such a legend, man.
Oh, man.
See, that's why you're the Surf God.
Far out, I genuinely wanted him to die.
I'm ashamed of myself.
Guys, you've gotta listen to Hughie.
The Surf God is right.
Not about all that other surfing stuff-
he's way off his rocker- but you can't kill Figgsy.
But you heard him. We're too late.
He's injected a new vaccine
into the entire population of the world.
Even if we make the greatest surfing movie in the universe,
nobody will remember.
What?!
Nobody told me that.
You fuckwit.
Hughie, nooooooo!
Haha! That's more like it.
Ah, that feels heaps better.
What are we supposed to do now?
We have no time machine.
Surfing's done.
Well, that's not completely true.
Remember?
I gave Mick those magic legs
that can run backwards through time.
-What?! -Yeah.
Didn't Joey tell ya?
I gave you magic legs.
Oh, did I not mention that?
My bad.
(CANNED LAUGHTER)
Mick, you must take the surfers and run back.
And you must make
the greatest surf movie in the entire universe.
The stoke levels will be so high
that any anger or cynicism
will be overcome with a bulletproof immunity
that Fig's virus will be unable to infect.
You will have saved surfing and the planet.
But I tried running
and all I did was go heaps fast.
How does the time travel work?
I dunno, maybe run backwards or some shit.
Let's do it.
We're going back.
We must save surfing.
Alright, let's do it.
Righto, boys.
We're going back!
Back in time to save the future of surfing.
(INHALES DEEPLY) Ohmmmmm.
GRIFF: Best friends on a time-traveling adventure
to make the greatest surf movie in the universe
and save surfing?
This is the best day of my life!
JACK: Finally, I can play my song!
WILKO: Yes! Three cheers for Stinga Razorblades!
Hip-hip.
Hip-hip.
Ah, fuck it.
(ROCK SONG PLAYS)
()
No man's ever gonna stop us now
Fig the fuck won't bring us down
Oh, yeah, we're saving the cosmic land
From the devil's hand and his evil plan
No man's ever gonna stop us
Nothing's ever gonna stop us now
The greatest surf movie in the universe
The greatest surf movie in the universe
Yeah, we're six best friends and we're taking it higher
Bringing that heat, can you feel the fire?
The greatest surf movie in the universe
()
Me and my friends got something to say
You can't go erasing our memory
Gotta find us the perfect cone
To knock that man from his evil throne
Oh, yeah, the tables are turning
Six flames are burning
The greatest surf movie in the universe
The greatest surf movie in the universe
Yeah, we're six best friends and we're taking it higher
Bringing that heat, can you feel the fire?
Of the greatest surf movie in the universe!
Huh!
There you have it.
With Fig dead and Mick's magical legs up to the task
the boys are able to travel back through time
and save surfing.
Now, if you believe none of this happened,
then fair enough.
But if it didn't, then how do you explain this?
The Greatest Surf Movie in the Universe.
Hmm?
See... This is real.
This doesn't exist on some cloud.
This is a cassette, a VHS,
and they don't lie.
(SIGHS) So...
grab your mates, get off the couch, go surfing.
You know?
'Cause you don't know what you've got till it's gone.
And then it comes back again
and then you do realize what you've got, but
you get sick of it 'cause you're doing the same thing
day in, day out and not getting any better.
You think, holy shit, did I put my fucking fins in backwards?
Do I need a new leg rope? New tail pad?
Maybe I should try some different rails
or some more literage, some less literage.
Maybe I should lose a few pounds? Hey?
Fuck you. Yeah.
Anyway, you can go on all day.
But the point is we've run out of time.
And so the story's come to an end.
Or have we?
Oh, fuck.
I hope I didn't record over the end of it.
Ah, fuckin' knew it!
I should've put it on the fucking cloud.
It's what me mate said.
"Just put it on the fucking cloud."
Hostelza.
Yeah, fuck, he could surf.
Chazza, Tublet,
Chrisso and Lamb Dog.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, those guys.
They used to say I was the best tube rider of everyone, though.
Good on the lefts.
Old backhand, eh?
Mmm.
Fuck, I really need to go surfing.
(SIGHS)
I'm gonna go.
There's waves out there.
Grab your board, boys.
Where's that fuckin' backwards fin board?
(PROJECTOR RATTLES)
(SLOW CLAPPING)
Arrgh!
Are you fucking serious, Joe?
That is dead set
the worst movie I've ever seen in my life.
No-one is ever gonna remember surfing after this.
-Oh, I agree. -Shit.
I didn't want to do this
but there's only one man that can save us now, mate.
You know who it is, and only you know where to find him.
So, go on.
(WIND HOWLING)
Hey, you there!
It's me!
Joe Turpel from the Global Shred League!
I've been sent on a mission by Hughie
to find the Golden Goat and save surfing.
Do you know where he is?
Dude, what took you so long?
Let's do this.
(HIP HOP SONG PLAYS)
(INDISTINCT LYRICS)
()
(FARTS) Speaking of silent and deadly,
somethin' smells like a mushie shit in here.
Is that you, Mase?
(FARTS) You smelt it, you dealt it.
Smells like a poo rolled in a rainbow paddlepop.
(FARTS)
(SNIFFS) It's definitely the unicorn.
(HIP HOP SONG CONTINUES)
(INDISTINCT LYRICS)
()
Blah, blah, blah, something or other.
They all get fuckin' decimated.
Whaaaa!
This is where you cut to the tight shot of the TV.
And get over there.
Then you're gonna swap to this.
You wanna come round here, Nick?
Arrgh!
That looks all sick, the background and stuff, eh?
One shot locked off, all good.
()
Yeah, Joey.
JOEY: Before I go, should we jam?
HUGHIE: Dude, let's do this.
JOEY: Two, three, four...
I've got a peanut butter cup and I'm ready to rock
I've got the rhythm of the morning light
I've got the strawberry jam all over my hand
And I'm movin' with the morning tide
I've got a peanut...
Logically, just 10 years from now...
So, I'm in 2033. (LAUGHS)
VAUGHAN: None of that makes sense.
Please don't let logic get in the way of this film.
It will not work.
10 years from now, but I'm in 2033?
Yeah, exactly, mate. (LAUGHS)
Best we don't think about it.
Fuckin'... Arrgh!
Cut!
(LAUGHTER)
Yes!
I'm not drinking beer.
CAMERA MAN: No, no, no. I didn't record that at all.
Yoo hoo, yoo hoo-hoo
Shoobie doobie doobie doo
I've got a peanut butter cup and I'm ready to rock
I've got the rhythm of the morning light
I've got the strawberry jam all over my hand
And I'm moving with the morning tide...
Let's go, Hughie, come on!
Whoo hoo, whoo hoo-hoo
Oobie doobie doo doo doo
Yoo hoo, yoo hoo-hoo
Oobie doobie doo doo doo
Yoo hoo, yoo hoo-hoo
Yoo hoo, yoo yoo yoo
Let's go, Hughie, come on!
Yoo hoo, yoo ee you ee hoo
Yoo hoo...
()
(THEME MUSIC)
()
Oh, you're fucking kidding.
Fucking... fuck!
Bulllshit fucking Armageddon reception.
Fuck!
Oh!
G'day.
Didn't see you there.
I bet you thought the world was fucked up in 2023, right?
Well, let me tell ya, things get a lot worse in 2033.
You see, just 10 years from now
a virus more deadly and more contagious
than anything we've ever seen before
wipes out 75% of the world's living creatures.
I'm talking humans, bush turkeys,
and fuckin' goblin sharks.
They all get fuckin' decimated.
Excuse me for one second.
(GRUNTS AND YELLS)
Arggh! Arrgghhh!
(SIGHS) Where was I?
Oh, yeah.
That's right.
Just when it's looking like
the end of life on Earth as we know it,
a brilliant geneticist named Jonathan Figg
comes up with a vaccine that completely cures the disease.
Everyone in the world gets the jab...
but there's one fucked-up side effect...
it completely erases all memory of surfing from the human mind.
So not only does no-one surf anymore,
no-one can even remember what the fuck surfing is.
Can you imagine it?
All those waves going unridden all over the world
and not a single surfer out there riding them.
With no idea what they're supposed to be doing
with the rest of their lives,
the world's best surfers aimlessly disappear
into what's left of society.
I told you, mate.
The future is a fucked up place.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Surfing's in real deep shit.
However, not all is lost.
Because one man is in possession of a magical key
that will unlock the memories of surfing.
But first he just has to remember
that he was once one of the all-time greats.
In fact, he fuckin' dominated it.
Fuckin' kidding me?
Not even fuckin' plugged in.
(SHOUTS)
Arrggh!
(WHISPERS) Which one is it?
Ah! Here we are.
Now, before we meet our hero,
let's check in with the bad motherfucker
who makes ocean waves in the first place.
(VIDEO HOME SYSTEM CLICKING)
(TV STATIC)
Fuckin' VHS!
Suck that, you internet fucks!
(LAUGHS)
(ETHEREAL MUSIC)
()
(WATER SPLASHING)
()
(WAVES CRASHING)
()
Where have all the surfers gone?
(TICKING CLOCK)
-Hughie! -(CANNED LAUGHTER)
Brother!
What's going down?
Arrgh! This is bullshit, Joe!
It's a fuckin' disaster, mate!
Oh, no!
Is the surf empty again?
Mate, there's not a single cunt out anywhere.
Here I am working my fuckin' arse off
making the sickest cones on the planet
every single day, and for what?
There's not a single prick out here to surf 'em!
Where have all the surfers gone?
You know what?
I'm gonna start beekeeping.
I fuckin' love bees.
Except when they sting ya, the stingy little pricks.
Dude, all the bees are gone.
The virus killed them.
Remember?
What?
No bees?
But where am I supposed to get my honey?
Well, some say my voice is even sweeter than honey.
Here, have some. (RETCHES)
Dude! That is gross!
Nup.
We need to get surfing back.
And the only way we can get it back
is to find the guys that were the very best at it.
Guys who fuckin' dominated.
That's all there is to it.
But where the blazin' fuckin' hell
have they all gone, by crikey?
Oh, they're still around,
they just don't remember they're surfers anymore.
The vaccination completely wiped their memories
and they just wandered off into what was left of society.
(CANNED LAUGHTER)
Duh, I know that.
Hmmm.
We need to somehow remind them of who they are.
What they were put here to do.
But how?
We need a hero.
An all-time great,
to shepherd the surfing flock
back through the shadow of the valley of death
and emerge to take a look at their lives
and realize there's nothing left.
You mean someone like him?
HUGHIE: Mick Fanning!
JOE: Looks like he's gotten himself into meditation or something.
FANNING: Are your chakras on the dim side?
Are your healing stones lacking cosmic vibrations?
(ENCHANTING MUSIC)
Do your crystal balls feel weighty and swollen?
Here at Fanning's Yoga's Meditation
and Esoteric Scrotum Massage Retreat
we have all the solutions to your spiritual needs.
Come meet me on the astral plane
and let's discuss your journey to enlightenment, flexibility
and a much lighter testicle pouch.
JINGLE: Fanning's Meditation and Yoga Resort
Making you totally awesome!
VOICE-OVER: (ON VIDEO) Science has proven that attending this resort
makes you better in no way possible.
Fuck, he's gone weird in the head!
But he's our only hope.
If we can get him to lead a team
and make a surf movie, it could save surfing.
But it can't be any old surf movie.
This has to be the greatest surf movie in the universe.
(RECORD SCRATCHES)
You mean better than Blue Crush?
That's a big ask, man.
Yeah, Soul Surfer was a great movie too.
Mate, Bethany is such a legend.
And what about Surf's Up?
I love those goofy little penguin fucks.
Oh, and Point Break, of course.
BOTH: If you want the ultimate rush,
you've got to be willing to pay the ultimate price.
It's not tragic to die doing what you love.
Oh, man, that's a great movie.
Bodhi is based on me, you know.
Anyway, enough of this.
We can make the greatest surf movie in the universe
but we need Mick Fanning to do it.
How are you going to get to him?
Have you fucking lost it, Joey?
I can't go see Mick.
I hate fuckin' patchouli smellin'
Byron Bay hippy fuck sticks.
Plus humans can't see me in the flesh.
You saw what happened last night?
(DOORBELL RINGS)
(DOOR WHIRRING)
Two supremes and a large triple seafood
with extra barnacles?
I'll take that large
with the extra barn off ya hands, champ.
Wait.
Aren't you Hughie the surf god?
Wait, don't look at me!
(SCREAMS)
(THUD)
Keep the change, cunt.
Nah, mate, nup.
Joey, you'll have to do it for me.
Plus, you're into all that fuckin' spirro bullshit.
Go meet Mick on the astral plane.
Tell him to get his crew together,
six of the best surfers to have ever done it.
Tell him they need to make
the greatest surf movie in the universe
and help bring back the memories
of all the world's surfers.
Tell him surfing is relying on him.
And make sure you tell him
if he fails, I'm gonna melt his fuckin' face off.
Ok, got it.
But before I go, should we jam?
(LAUGHS) Fuckin' oath we should!
Two, three, four...
I've got a peanut butter cup
(DINOSAUR ROARS)
And I'm ready to rock
I've got the rhythm of the morning light
I've got the strawberry jam all over my hand
And I'm moving with the morning tide...
(CLOCK TICKING)
-...and I'm ready to rock - (HUGHIE SNORES)
I've got the rhythm of the morning light
I've got the strawberry jam all over my hand
And I'm moving...
(ROOSTER CROWS)
Let's go, Hughie, come on!
(BOTH SING) Whoo hoo
Oobie doobie doo
Shoobie doobie doobie doo
Yoo hoo, yoo hoo-hoo
Shoobie doobie doobie doo
Yoo hoo, shoobie doobie doo...
So, with the wheels in motion,
Hughie sends Joe Turpel
to find Mick Fanning somewhere on the astral plane.
Question is,
will Joe be able to trigger Mick's surfing memories?
Will he be able to transform this illuminated soul
back into the Cooly bogan that he once was?
For the sake of surfing, let's fuckin' hope so, hey?
(GRUNTS REPEATEDLY)
(INSECTS CHIRPING IN DISTANCE)
For fuck's sake!
Ohmmmmm.
()
(SIGHS)
JOE: (DISTANT SINGING) Hoo hee
Yooee yooee yoo
Hooee yooeehoo yoo hoo...
Come on now!
What's that shit noise?
JOE: Yoobie yoobie yoo yoo yoo
Ooh hoo, yoo hoo hoo
Yooie yooie yoo yoo yoo!
Mick! It's me!
Joe Turpel.
The official commentator of the Global Shred League,
presented by Gooch Sweat,
the official beer of the Global Shred League.
And Goat Soy,
the official soy milk of the Global Shred League.
What the fuck are you on about, cunt?
What is this?
How'd you get here?
I've been sent here by Hughie to give you a mission,
a mission to save surfing.
Hughie?
The Official Surf God of the Global Shred League.
Man, have I been licking cane toads or some shit?
None of this makes any sense.
Look, I know this is gonna sound hard to believe,
but 10 years ago there was a sport.
It was called surfing.
And you fucking dominated it.
Then a virus hit
and it wiped out two-thirds of the world's population.
A brilliant geneticist named Jonathan Figg
created a vaccine that saved the world from the virus
but it simultaneously
wiped surfing from everyone's memories.
Mick, I've been sent here by Hughie
to tell you to form a team,
a team of six surfers.
You must remind them of their talents
and then you must together
make the greatest surfing movie in the universe.
Only then will the world remember
and surfing will be saved.
(RECORD SCRATCHES)
And what if I don't?
What if I like my life of meditation
and stretches and nut rubs?
Oh, if you decide not to help or if you fail,
then Hughie will melt your face off.
Not much of a choice, is it?
But how do I know this is even real?
I've never surfed in my life.
You could be some sort of strange astral illusion,
a figment of the imagination.
Oh, but you do surf, Mick.
Meditate with me.
Meditate with me
and voyage into the deepest recesses of your mind.
Think back and remember who you are.
Ohmmmmm...
(ROCK SONG PLAYS)
()
The eye of the mountain
Is the soul of your sea
I've been dancing on the hillside
Since the ocean cheated on me
I've missed your moist touch
And your eyes so crystal blue
Well, I'll meet you down below
At the bottom of the deep black hole
Yeeeaaahhh
Yeaaahhhhh
Yeah, yeah
Baby, I'll be your merman
And I'll swim all over you
I feel the motion of the ocean
Yeah, my blood is burning blue
Baby, I'll be your dolphin
I'll give you every breath I can
And when the time is right in a private place
I'll let you play with my dorsal fin, yeah
Ahhh, my blood is turning blue
Yeah, I wanna be wet with you
Woah, I wanna be wet with you
Yeah,my blood is burning blue
Woah, I wanna be wet with you
Yeah, I wanna be wet with youuuu
Baby, I'll be your merman
And I'll swim all over you
I feel the motion of the ocean
Yeah, my blood is burning blue
Baby, I'll be your dolphin
I'll give you every breath I can
And when the time is right in a private place
I'll let you play with my dorsal fin, yeah!
()
No fuckin' way!
It's all true, man.
You're the only one who can save surfing.
But where do I start?
I can't remember any other surfers
let alone where to find them.
You have to start where surfing started
in Hawaii.
Go there now and find the unicorn.
But I just put my car into be serviced.
Hughie has given you magic legs, Mick.
Use your magic legs.
Run, Fanning.
Run, Fanning, run!
(ECHO) Run, Fanning, run!
Whoa. That was trippy as.
(ELECTRICITY ZAPPING)
Hmmm, magic legs?
I wonder...
NARRATOR: So, Mick is finally on his way.
To where?
Who knows?
Why?
I can't remember.
For what?
Who gives a shit?
All I know is that those ghostly pale legs
were running so fast
sparks were coming out of Mick Fanning's butthole.
Sir, Sir?
You may want to come and take a look at this.
What's shown up on the radar.
()
Ok, that guy has got the best legs I've ever seen.
We're not going to stop him.
I can see my house from here!
MICK: Right.
Hawaii.
Now to find the unicorn.
(SNIFFS) What's that smell?
(SNIFFS)
It smells like a reggae festival.
Is that coming from that guy?
Maybe he can help me find the unicorn.
Okay, guys, welcome to Mason's Totally Bitchin' Volcano Tours.
My name is Mason Ho and I'll be your volcano guide.
Please stay on the path at all times.
And if you get thirsty,
do not drink the lava because that shit is hot!
Haha!
That's just a joke, but don't drink it
'cause I tried before and I burnt my tongue really bad.
Mason!
Oi, mate!
Do you remember me?
Eh, haole boy!
Did you buy a ticket?
Because it's $30 to see the volcanoes.
Look, you probably don't remember me
but my name is Mick Fanning.
We used to travel the entire world together,
having adventures in the ocean and stuff.
What do you mean?
OK, let's see if I can get this right.
10 years ago a sport existed.
It was called surfing, and you fuckin' dominated it.
Then a virus hit
and some dumb cunt doctor named John Figg
made some shit vaccine that got fast-tracked
and it erased all our fuckin' memories.
Now Hughie the Surf God
wants me to put a team together
and make the greatest surfing movie in the universe.
I think I'm here
because you're supposed to be in that movie.
What?
But I'm a tour guide now.
I take people up volcanoes
and make sure they're safe and having a rad time.
-(TOURISTS SCREAM) -Oh, shit!
What have you done?!
(BOTH SCREAM)
Hey!
Are you guys Ok down there?
Hey, don't drink the lava!
I'm serious this time!
Nooooooo!
MAAAAAAASE!
()
Wait! It's all coming back to me.
(GROOVY SONG PLAYS)
()
Fly away with me
And I'll take you through the sky
I'm a sensitive new-age horny kinda guy
Fly away with me
And I'll take you anywhere
No destination planned
Man, I don't care
Open up the window to my mind
Ooh, ooh, ooh
It's a magical mystery world
One hell of a time.
Oh, yeah! Come on, boy!
(WHISTLES TUNE)
()
Open up the window to my mind
Ooh, ooh, ooh
It's a magical mystery world
One hell of a time
I'm a horny, mystical, spiritual miracle
Rainbow sliding man
One hell of a time
Yeah, one of a kind
()
(WATER SPLASHING)
()
Get fucked!
The unicorn.
Joe was right!
Hughie!
The mission!
It's real!
(UNICORN WHINNIES)
MASON: Damn!
I've turned into a unicorn.
Woah.
And not just any unicorn, a super hot unicorn.
Look at my eyes.
Look at my horn.
Look at my buttocks!
Look at it.
Now do you remember, Mase?
Yeah, man, I remember everything.
We have to save surfing.
Let's do this!
(SNIFFS)
Man, your lovely pink mane smells like mull cookies.
Oh, you're a good boy.
Look how soft and squishy you are.
Hey, cut it out!
You can smell but you can't touch.
Ohh, Mase, come here, mate.
Have a cuddle.
-Cut it out. -Good boy.
MASON: Now let's go get these other surfers.
Fly away
Whoo hoo hoo!
It's so, so magical
Look at this view!
Up so high...
MICK: Oh, my God, this is so epic!
Yee hoo hoo!
Together
Forever and ever
Everything is better when it's you and me...
MASON: So, where do we find these other surfers?
I've got no idea, man.
I'm only just tapping in to my own surf memories now.
MASON: But wait.
Haven't I seen you on TV doing those weird spirro ads?
You're a meditation swami, right?
Why don't you try and find these guys
in the Hendrix dimension with all that trippy shit?
MICK: That's actually a good idea.
That's where I was when I got this mission
in the first place.
I'll give it a crack.
(MICK BREATHES DEEPLY)
Ohmmmmm.
MASON: Who is that?
(GRUNTS)
MICK: Oh, no...
(FARTS) Ahhhh!
MICK: Phwaw!
(BURPS)
It's Wilko!
Wilko is the guy we need to find next.
Away, hot unicorn!
Away to the north!
Hazzaaar!
(NEIGHS)
MASON: Wilko?
No way!
I remember Wilko.
Wasn't he a country music star?
MICK: All I remember is that at one point
he was number one in the whole world.
And that he stunk.
(HORSE WHINNIES)
MASON: Wait.
Isn't that him right below us?
MICK: No way!
What are the chances?
Away, hot unicorn.
(NEIGHING)
()
MASON: How's that giant hot piece of horse?
Wilko!
It's Mick and Mason.
How are ya, brother?
Wilko?
Who the fuck's that?
You're looking at Uncle Willie.
MICK: Cut the shit, mate.
I've got something important to tell ya.
10 years ago a sport existed.
It was called surfing, and you fuckin' dominated it.
Then a virus hit.
Now, Hughie the Surf God wants us to make
the greatest surfing movie in the universe.
We're here because you're going to be in it.
You're gonna help save surfing.
(STIRRING MUSIC BUILDS)
-(RECORD SCRATCHES) -What are you on, cunt?
What a load of horseshit.
Mase, he ain't gonna listen.
MASON: No worries, Mick.
I got this.
Hiii-ya!
Oww! That just missed my nuts.
Hey!
(HORSE WHINNIES)
Stop rooting my horse!
(GROOVY SONG PLAYS)
()
I just need a little bit of juice on my lips
And a lady by my side shaking her hips, yeah
Shoot the shit with a bunch of buds
I've been laying rio and lubing up deals
Nine to five most days of my life
But on the weekend it's my time to play
Let's do it yo!
So saddle up, it's a Saturday night
And the beer's ice cold, yeah, the time is right
To let all your worries just fade way!
Oh, they're fadin' now.
'Cause the country girls know how to play
Yeah, they'll fire up night to day
That sexy riding cowgirl's just my type
Just my type!
'Cause we're rolling down the Upper West Side
Yeah, this is how we ride on a Saturday night
We're rolling and I'm high on life
With a jack and coke and a girl on either side
()
So saddle up, it's a Saturday night
We're gonna blow off smoke and tell a dirty joke, yeah
Let all our troubles just go away
'Cause the country boys know how to play, yeah
They'll fire up every day
That sexy riding cowboy's just my type
Oh, he's just my type now!
'Cause we're rolling down the Upper West Side
Yeah, this is how we ride on a Saturday night
We're rolling and I'm high on life
With a jack and coke and a girl on either side
With a jack and coke and a girl on either side
With a jack and coke and a girl on either side
()
(WAVES CRASHING)
This is nuts!
Mick, Mase!
I remember everything.
Oi, get off my horse, you fuckin' weirdo.
But she's hot.
At last we're on the same page.
Ok, we need to find two more surfers,
plus one more surfer after that.
Wait, you mean...?
Yep, we need three more surfers.
And then what?
If we combine all our surf powers
and make the greatest surf movie in the universe,
it might just snap all the world's surfers
into riding waves again.
But how are we supposed to find these surfers?
(MUSIC IN DISTANCE)
Hey, can you guys hear that?
Sounds like a music festival.
Fuckin' oath! Live music?
I wonder if Tool are playing?
Or Grinspoon?
Or even Phil from Grinspoon!
MASON: Ohh!
Maybe Jimmy Hendrix is playing!
Maybe Stinga Razorblades is playing!
Let's go check it out.
(SINGS OUT OF TUNE)
When I first tried jammin'
It was one of the best days of my life...
WILKO: Fuck!
Stinga Razorblades.
He's the greatest.
How good's his music?
MICK: That's awful.
Sounds like a banshee drowning in a bathtub.
MASON: I'm kinda digging it.
Reminds me of freeform jazz
or having an earthworm crawl into your ear.
This cunt is ripping.
Holy fuck!
...when I was 27
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Thank you, everyone.
Thank you so much.
And see you again next year.
Wait.
You know who that is?
That's Freestone!
Freestone?
Nah, I'm Stinga Razorblades.
I don't know any surfer called Freestone.
-I'm out of here. -MICK: Nah.
He's full of shit.
That's Freestone for sure.
Come one, boys.
Let's head backstage.
WILKO: Backstage at a Stinga Razorblades gig.
No way.
Mum will never believe this shit.
(MASON WHINNIES)
Stinga Razorblades.
Oh, man, that was awesome!
Thanks, man.
But how did you guys get backstage?
Have you got AAA passes?
'Cause this is actually VIP only.
Has anyone seen Elton?
I'm meant to be meeting him back here.
Freestone, I know you didn't get the vaccine.
You've never been into that shit.
So that means your memory never got wiped.
Yeah, I never got the jab.
But to be honest, man, I just wanted to sing.
Haven't you heard my latest single?
'Ranga in a Little G-banger'?
Goes a little somethin' like this...
(SINGS) Have you ever seen a ranga
In a little G-banger
BOTH: Or a ghost that is really a steer
Let the children play in the field...
Listen, mate,
we're here to save surfing and we need your help to do it.
Go back to surfing?
No way, man.
My life is here now.
I'm a musician.
Yeah, and he's actually fuckin' really good, eh?
Yeah, I dig it too.
You can't be serious.
He was born to surf and look pretty
and that's it.
Jack, 10 years ago a sport existed.
It was called surfing, and you fuckin' dominated it.
And then...
Save the speech, cunt, I didn't get the jab.
I remember everything.
Then how can you turn your back on surfing?
Wait!
Man, that's a great title for a song.
(SINGS) How can I turn my back on surfing?
(UPBEAT SONG PLAYS)
I'll sting your face like a razor blade
I wash my balls in lemonade
They're so tight you can see the shape
Of a mongoose choking on a rattlesnake
Well, babe I got a taste
For that chicken and gravy roll
I feel so good when I'm being bad
I got nunchakus and it's super rad
I swing 'em around and cut myself in the head
Then I fall on the couch and I piss on the bed
Well, babe, I better burn those sheets
Before you get back home
The tank is empty, the room is bright
The wolves are rolling out the lippy tonight
I can feel it burning down in my pants
I musta sat on a nest of crazy bull ants
Or maybe it's the fire deep down in my soul
Gotta jump that rattle snake
Chase that chicken gravy roll
()
I'll sting your face like a razor blade
I sting your face like a razor blade
So damn sharp, I got it made
I sting your fuckin' face like a razor fuckin' blade
Too young to die, too old to cry
Watch where you work, babe, you don't want pink eye
The tank is empty and the moon is bright
The wolves are rolling out the lippy tonight
I can feel it burning down in my pants
I musta sat on a nest of crazy bull ants
Or maybe it's the fire deep down in my soul
Gotta choke that rattlesnake, kiss that chicken gravy roll
Maybe it's the fire deep down in my soul
Gotta choke that rattlesnake, kiss that chicken gravy roll
Gravy!
(WAVES CRASHING)
Wow, all this time I've been singing
to try and ease the pain in my heart
that I thought was from not being recognized
as a musical genius like Vanilla Ice or DJ Fisher.
But now I know the pain
is from turning my back on surfing.
I miss surfing.
I miss surfing so much.
(SNIFFLES)
(SOBS LOUDLY)
I'm sorry.
I should've never stopped surfing.
I suck at music.
I'm so shit.
Yeah, nah, you're right.
You're absolutely shit at music.
I'm glad you've finally come to your senses.
I'm gonna go tell my fans I can't keep doing this anymore.
I can't keep living a lie.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Hey, guys.
Guys, if I could have your attention
for just a moment, please.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Hey, guys. Guys!
(JACK TAPS MIC)
Hey, shut the fuck up for a second!
(CRICKETS CHIRP)
So, yeah.
I just wanted to say I'm not really a rockstar.
I'm a surfer.
And I'm quitting music to go surf.
-(CROWD BOOS) -(WILKO SOBS)
Ah, don't do it, man!
The world needs your music.
So, as a parting gift,
I'm going to throw my guitar out there
for one of you lucky fans to keep.
(CROWD CHEERS)
No, fuck that, I'm keeping it.
But you guys can share the rest of my beer.
(BURPS) I still have music in me!
New album coming out soon!
-Woohoo! -MAN: You suck, Stinga!
Ok, let's do this.
How many more guys do we need?
We need one more guy
and then one more guy after that.
Does that mean... we need two more guys?
It means we have to save surfing, dude.
And also that we need two more guys too.
So, yeah, you were right about that part.
Look, I'm pretty sure
there's a pub on the other side of the desert near here.
Let's go there, we can have a beer,
we can talk about our feelings
and maybe work out our next move.
NARRATOR: With four surfers locked in it's beginning to look like
Hughie's brain fart of an idea may actually come together.
But don't you get too excited,
because there's a long way to go.
Hmm... Yum.
(MUNCHING)
(SPITS)
Fuckin' dog food!
Actually not that bad.
(UPBEAT SONG PLAYS)
(INDISTINCT LYRICS)
()
(HORSE WHINNIES)
()
WILKO: Oi, Mick, I was thinking.
What if we didn't make
the greatest surf movie in the universe?
Wasn't surfing already kinda sold out, played out,
and just fuckin' crowded out with fuckin' reptile kooks
before this virus hit?
Yeah, man.
That's half the reason I got into music.
I couldn't surf Snapper without 800 other people.
Maybe we shouldn't make this movie.
Maybe we should keep all the perfect waves to ourselves.
Ohh, boys, boys, boys, boys.
I'm so disappointed in you lot.
Think of all the joy surfing has given us.
Think of the joy it brought to others.
Surfing makes everyone a better version of themselves.
So many people lost so much during the virus.
Surfing was one of the only great things left.
We have a duty to share surfing with the rest of the world.
And that's why this mission is so important.
You're a dead-set legend, mate.
You selfless cunt.
I'm actually ashamed of meself.
MASON: Aww, you're the man.
No wonder you're in the Hall of Fame.
Yeah, well, Hughie also said
he'd melt my face off if I didn't do it,
so I'm pretty off that happening.
Yeah, fair enough.
Good call.
Yep, fuck getting your face melted off.
()
(DISTANT HEAVY DANCE BEATS)
WILKO: What is this place?
Some kind of rank resort for retired pedos?
MICK: I was told this was a pub.
Hey, I know what this is!
This is a Burning Man yurt!
Yes! I love Burning Man!
Clothes off, boys.
Poo wherever you like.
Anything goes at Burning Man.
What?
We can shit in the nude?
Count me in!
MICK: Fuckin' peanuts.
Listen, Mase, we can't get stuck here, man.
God only knows who owns this joint.
Let's have a couple of beers and keep moving.
No way!
(CLAPS)
(GULPING)
()
(SLURPING)
(LAUGHS)
Yes!
Mase!
MASON: Whoa, this place is crazy.
I wonder who lives here.
You guys find anyone?
Nah, but the bar was stacked so we've helped ourselves.
MAN: No way! Visitors!
Guys, don't go anywhere.
I'll be right down.
Don't move, okay?
Yooo!
Welcome to my yurt, guys.
Far out, I haven't had visitors in years!
This is all time.
You guys want some wheat grass shots?
You guys want a smoothie? You guys want some ribs?
How about some buffalo wings?
Whaaaaaat!
You guys are crazy, man.
Whoa, this guy is tweaked.
Oh, man.
It's so good to have best friends again.
You guys can never leave, like ever.
Can I touch your face?
Wow!
Your skin is so much better than Frisbee.
He's my other best friend.
He's over there.
(BURPS)
Mate, slow down.
Who are you?
How long have you been here for?
I don't know.
I don't even remember how I got here.
It was a long time ago.
Anyway, do you guys work out?
There's not a whole lot to do out here.
I do a lot of sit-ups.
Check these abs!
Baby, you could grate cheese on these suckers!
Hey, I've been working on this new riff
for the end of the section
of the greatest surf movie in the universe.
You guys want to hear it?
Mate, I'd rip my dick off to hear that song.
Look, mate, we're trying to find surfers.
You haven't had any swing by this place, have ya?
-Surfers? What is surfers? -(JACK SINGS SONG)
Jack! Shut the fuck up!
No, mate I'm lovin' it.
-Keep on going. -Thanks, man.
You want some cola with that bourbon?
Cola?
Oh, brah!
Mick, I think I know this kid!
I think it's Griff!
Griffin Colapinto.
Griff? Griff?
Griffin!
Oh, yeah, that is my name.
My name is Griff.
I remember that.
Holy shit!
Of all the yurts in the world
we happen to walk in the one with ripped Griff living in it!
This is the fifth surfer!
Griff, I know this is gonna sound weird,
but 10 years ago a sport existed.
It was called surfing, and you fuckin' dominated it.
Then a virus hit
and some dumb cunt made some stupid vaccine
that erased all our fuckin' memories.
Now Hughie the Surf God wants us to make
the greatest surfing movie in the universe.
We're here because you're going to be in it.
You're gonna help save surfing.
You gotta try to remember us, man.
You even stayed at my house once and the surf was cooking.
Hang on a minute.
I think I remember that too.
Did we do, like, 1000 sit-ups when I stayed at your place?
Mate, we did 100,000 sit-ups together.
Whaaaaaaaaaaaat?!
(FUNKY SONG PLAYS)
()
I'll kiss you where the sun don't shine
And I'll let you lick me abs while we wine and dine
'Cause I'll be anything you like if you treat me right
We be pushing those reps in the yurt all night
They call me Ripped Griff, come and take a whiff
Flowing like a gun, yeah, I be super fit, baby
Still repping, boy be shredding
Come on inside where I'll be suppersetting
Got the tightest abdominal, baby, they're phenomenal
You could grate cheese on these suckers when you please
Hi, my name's Griffin
And I'll be your best friend
Griffin, Griffin
Na, na-nah, nah
Griffin, Griffin
Griffin
Griffin, Griffin
Na, na-nah, nah
You're my best friend Oh, oh
Griffin, Griffin
Na, na-nah, nah
Griffin, Griffin
Griffin
Griffin, Griffin
Na, na-nah, nah
You're my best friend
Oh, oh
I've been livin' since the day I was born
Hanging in my yurt all alone getting torn
Lovin' nothing but to get my shred on
Yeah, I'm hardcore pumping in the eye of the storm
Pushing all day and pulling all night
Baby got the buzz that's gonna make your fire light
I'm a man of my word and my word is out
You posers best watch out, I'm eating low-carb cookies
I'm hot, feeling that heat
Gucci on my feet, yo, frisbee take a seat
Hi, my name's Griffin
And I'll be your best friend
Griffin, Griffin
Na, na-nah, nah
Griffin, Griffin
Griffin
Griffin, Griffin
Na, na-nah, nah
You're my best friend
Oh, oh
Griffin, Griffin
Na, na-nah, nah
Griffin, Griffin
Griffin
Griffin, Griffin
Na, na-nah, nah.
You're my best friend
()
No way!
I can't believe we're not surfing anymore.
All this time I've been eating sand
and grating cheese on my abs when I could've been surfing.
Far out, we only need one more surfer.
This is actually gonna happen.
Oi! You two wombats, put on some clothes.
We need to call in the big guns.
And to do it we're gonna have a seance.
()
(BOYS GIGGLE)
Ok, guys, to make this work we need total concentration.
Breathe in.
(LOUD BREATH)
Hold.
Squeeze your balloon knot
into the size of a wasabi pea.
And then when you breathe out say 'Hohmmmm.'
-(JACK LAUGHS) -Freestone!
Mate, this spirro shit is not to be messed with.
If we lose each other in the spirit realm,
you can end up in some pretty fucked up places.
So concentrate, and try to stick together in there.
Remember, the future of surfing is depending on us.
These mushies might help.
I found them outside. You want some?
Oohhh, yes!
Ohmmmmm.
ALL: Ohmmmmm.
Shit! We lost the boys.
They could be anywhere.
JACK: Waaaa!
MASON: Nooooo!
That's crazy.
MASON: This is the best!
-Are you kidding me? -Fuck that!
(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)
What the fuck was that?
Ohhh, fuck, I am tripping balls.
Ohhh, I think I've had too much.
I feel like I'm gonna shit myself.
(FARTS)
Oh, no, it was just a fart.
Oh, I don't know if I'm supposed to be here.
(DOOR SLAMS)
Mum?
Mum?
Mummy, is that you?
(CREATURE SNARLING)
()
What the fuck is going on?
VOICE: (WHISPERS) Come closer.
What is this?
VOICE: (WHISPERS) Come closer.
(TV STATIC)
(HEART BEATING)
(SQUEALS, FARTS)
Don't worry, man.
They'll find their way back.
Eventually.
(BLEEPING)
Hello, Mick Fanno and Unimason.
Congratulations on your journey so far.
You have gathered five
of the greatest wave riders to have ever lived.
If you can find one more,
you will be able to make
the greatest surf movie in the universe
and save surfing.
Yeah, but, Hughie, the problem is
we don't know who to get next or where to find them.
You won't need to find them.
They will find you.
What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
Man, I hate this spirro shit talk.
Hey, Hughie,
is it true you're gonna melt our faces off
if we fail in this righteous mission?
Yes, Unimason, it is true.
Brah.
That's pretty heavy.
I could melt your dick off instead?
Face is fine, man.
The face is fine.
I thought so.
So, do we just sit and wait for this surfer to appear?
You won't have to wait long.
Hughie, you done with that call yet brother?
Let's sing some tunes. (PLAYS GUITAR)
I must go now.
Stay on the path.
Keep the faith.
(SINGS) Strawberry jam all over my hand...
Meh, the mission is definitely gonna fail
with those ding-dongs trying to save it.
Did you hang up properly?
Ooh, shit!
Hi, guys, ignore that.
Different mission.
Uh... stay on the path.
Keep the faith.
Fuckin' technology.
Modern phone bullshit, someone's always listening.
Fuck!
What happened to you guys?
Where did you end up, Wilko?
You don't want to know, mate.
Let's just say, I had to ditch me undies
'cause they're full of wet fart.
Well, you heard Hughie.
I guess we just sit here and wait.
()
(ETHEREAL MUSIC)
GRIFF: Whoa! Did you guys see that?
What was what?
Oi, cunt!
We can see ya.
MAN: Shhh.
Who is this guy?
Do you think he'll be my best friend too?
I am a shadow.
When I move, nobody sees me.
I strike like a cobra, I bite like a bull ant,
I'm smoother than a shaved pussycat.
Some people call me Phantasma.
I am invisible.
I have no face.
I have no name.
I am a ghost.
-Wait a minute. -What?
You do have a face.
You lied to us.
Not cool.
Ando!
Holy shit!
That's Craig Anderson!
Whooah!
It's true.
I'm Ando.
I'm a martial arts warrior, a ninja.
I move like hot wind,
silent and deadly.
Craig, do you know why you're here?
Yeah, I was hired by this anonymous client
to break into the world's most fortified building.
My mission was to retrieve this secret recording.
I'm supposed to deliver it here.
-Who was the client? -He did not say.
All he said was that he'd be here.
And if I did not accept the job,
he would melt my face off.
Hughie!
JOE: It was Hughie, guys.
He sent Ando to find the truth about how surfing got erased.
That's what he's got on that disk there.
Let's see what it tells us.
-Where'd you come from? -Oh, I'm always everywhere.
Watching, listening, talking!
Guys, I've nearly finished my song.
You've gotta hear it.
Yes!
(static)
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY) Yes!
I can't believe I've done it!
I've created a virus
to rid the world of overpopulated line-ups
and a vaccine that's going to erase the memories
of all the surfers that are left.
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
I'm gonna have the world's most perfect waves all to meself.
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
MICK: Oh, my God!
It was Fig!
That greedy fuck wants the surf all to himself.
So that was his diabolical plan the whole time.
The cunt.
What a horrible man.
He's horrible.
I don't understand.
Craig, look at me.
10 years ago a sport existed.
It was called surfing, and you fuckin' dominated it.
Then a virus hit
and some dumb cunt made some shit vaccine
that erased all our fuckin' memories.
Now Hughie the Surf God
wants us to make the greatest surfing movie in the universe.
We're here because you're going to be in it.
You're gonna help save surfing.
(RECORD SCRATCHES)
Oh... Oh, man.
I think you should know
you've got a little booger in your nose.
Oh, I do?
How embarrassing.
It's actually... It's pretty off-putting.
Thanks, man.
There's nothing worse.
Come on, Ando.
Your hair is so beautiful.
It smells like puppies!
Surely you remember.
Yeah, man, you dominated.
()
(FUNKY SONG PLAYS)
()
Fly kick face, only flare and grace
Yeah, I move like the ninja at the fastest pace
You won't see me 'cause I'm already gone
Drinking ice tea with my weapons drawn
I'm the kindest ninja you'll ever meet
But if you do me wrong you're gonna feel my feet
And the heat in the air 'cause it's hot over here
I wear a full body suit no flowing air
When I get back home gonna strip right off
Be a gentleman with my dick in my hand
'Cause I ain't got time for a lady
Martial arts, man, yeah, that's my baby
Love kung fu and I love karate
But most of all, man, I love to party
Ninja style doing lines off a nunchuck
Going round friends for weekly pot luck
Say what's up I made a kung pow chicken
Yeah, that's right,
Oh, I'm a weapon in the kitchen
Give me a kiss and I'll kick your face
I'm a ninja man of the highest grace
Yeah
That's what's up
Ninja style
Ando man
()
Yes! I do remember!
We've gotta stop this evil at all costs.
But breaking into Fig's house is extremely dangerous.
He has six bodyguards with him at all times.
And he also has a room full of strange hunting spears,
weapons the likes of which I've never seen before.
Wait, Craig, these hunting spears,
what did they look like?
Were they six foot tall?
They look like aeroplane wings?
Yeah, man.
That's exactly what they looked like.
With the weird little dolphin dorsals on the bottom.
Surfboards!
We can't make the greatest surf movie in the universe
without them.
We're gonna have to break into Fig's
and steal these fuckers.
Surfboards!
Oh, baby, let's do this!
We gotta do it, man.
I can't go back to living in that yurt
eating sand every day.
My dentist said it's real bad for my teeth on the way in.
That's nothing compared to what it's doing on the way out.
(FARTS) It's burning out my ass!
I can't even fart anymore!
How about we just take a quick five and listen to my song?
It's settled, then.
You'll take us to Fig's,
we'll expose the truth about him,
steal the boards
and then go make the greatest surfing movie in the universe.
Yeah, but should we actually do all that
after we listen to my song?
Ok, I'm going to play it.
Shut up, cunt!
Egg potatoes!
Pile up!
Regulators?
Nah, man.
Egg potatoes.
Little eggs that grow on the ground,
hatch lizards and shit.
And they taste pretty damn good too.
Crackpots, fruitcakes and weirdo types.
But you can't eat any meat off the seat.
You gotta be dandy with eel, if you know what I mean.
Earn your feet!
(HIP-HOP SONG PLAYS)
()
(INDISTINCT LYRICS)
()
()
Wow!
So, this is Fig Palace.
Nah, this is Fig Heaven, man.
Anyone wanna play Figgy In The Middle?
What about This Little Figgy Goes To Market?
Cut the shit.
This is serious.
Craig, how'd you get in?
It wasn't easy, but everyone was asleep,
so it was actually kind of easy.
I just walked in and took it from his secret files.
MICK: Oh, shit!
GRIFF: What's he doing?
CRAIG: Oh, no! He's gonna blow our cover!
Hey, guys, I'm a unicorn.
And not just any unicorn, a sexy unicorn.
You wanna touch my horn?
Don't you fucking get near my horn!
(THUD! SQUISH!)
What?
You've taken out two guards?
That means there's only four to go.
(ALARM BLARING IN DISTANCE)
But now they know we're here.
There's nothing for it.
We just have to destroy them!
(DOOR WHIRRING)
(JOE'S SONG PLAYS) ...peanut butter cup
And I'm ready to rock...
(SOMEONE FARTS)
JACK: Oh, no!
Come get some!
Come at me, bro!
Come on!
We should be friends.
(FRENCH ACCENT) You can be friends.
With this!
Stand back, boys.
These arse clowns are mine.
(GRUNTING)
()
(BOTH GRUNT)
(CHOKES)
(GRUNTING)
(WHINNIES)
(HOCKS PHLEGM)
(FARTS)
Ha! What you got, pretty boy?
()
Oohhh!
You think blue balls are your ally.
But you merely adopted blue balls.
I was born with them.
I molded them.
Look at them!
Look at them!
Ha!
Those aren't blue balls.
These are blue balls!
I'll get him, Ando!
No!
Stinga, you idiot!
(SAD MUSIC PLAYS)
()
(SNIFFS)
WILKO: Oi!
(GRUNTING, GROANING)
Nobody fucks with Stinga Razorblades
on my watch.
()
GUARD: Sacrebleu!
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS)
()
Arrgh!
Leave them to me, Wilko.
(GRUNTING)
I said nobody fucks with Stinga Razorblades!
(SCREAMS)
(STIRRING MUSIC)
()
Time to end this shit.
()
Game is up, Fig.
We know you used the pandemic
as a way to rid the world of surfing.
You and your corpo, reptile plan is done.
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
You muppets!
Did you actually believe
that a surf movie could save surfing?
Surfing was already dead and buried
long before the virus came along.
Its soul had been sucked dry.
Its stories erased of all meaning.
I was a hero to surfing.
It was begging for mercy
and I walked up and with one swift jerk
snapped its brittle little neck, killing it instantly.
You guys should be thanking me.
You're off ya head, cunt.
Maybe I am, maybe I'm not,
it doesn't really matter.
The waves are all mine now.
It's just me, the porpoises and the sea cucumbers.
And while you clowns were on your way here
I just developed a new and more powerful vaccine.
And it's just been fast-tracked
to the last of the world's existing populations.
Nah, this is bullshit!
You failed, boys.
You've had a fucking shocker.
Unless you've got a time machine, surfing is lost!
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
Dude, you are such a horrible person.
You guys reckon he's horrible?
Cause I do.
How do you sleep at night?
No! This is bullshit!
Fuck!
Yeah, you suck, man.
You suck big time.
I'll still be your best friend ever
but I'm super bummed right now.
This is bullshit.
Well, you know what?
If surfing can't be saved, then, neither can you.
(SQUEALS)
(CHOKES)
Say your prayers, Fig.
HUGHIE: Mick! Wait!
ALL: Hughie!
Hello, my sons.
How come we can look at you and not melt?
I borrowed some of Turpel's zinc cream
and it's thick enough to trap the radiation.
-Mick, don't kill Fig. -(GASPS)
It's beneath a champion like you.
It's beneath all you boys.
The entire mission was about sharing the joy of life,
the greatest joy any of us have ever known surfing.
Fig is right.
Before the virus, surfing was lost to many, many people.
They could no longer tap into the magic they once felt.
As they lost touch with their early and innocent experiences
of being in the ocean with friends,
they turned to cynicism and hatred.
But the truth is, the essence of surfing survived.
In the first ride of every grommet.
In the trips with friends to hidden beaches,
and, of course, deep in the cone zone.
For Fig, it was not enough.
The hate overtook everything.
But that doesn't mean we need to hate him back.
Nothing good ever comes from hate.
Whoa!
No wonder you're such a legend, man.
Oh, man.
See, that's why you're the Surf God.
Far out, I genuinely wanted him to die.
I'm ashamed of myself.
Guys, you've gotta listen to Hughie.
The Surf God is right.
Not about all that other surfing stuff-
he's way off his rocker- but you can't kill Figgsy.
But you heard him. We're too late.
He's injected a new vaccine
into the entire population of the world.
Even if we make the greatest surfing movie in the universe,
nobody will remember.
What?!
Nobody told me that.
You fuckwit.
Hughie, nooooooo!
Haha! That's more like it.
Ah, that feels heaps better.
What are we supposed to do now?
We have no time machine.
Surfing's done.
Well, that's not completely true.
Remember?
I gave Mick those magic legs
that can run backwards through time.
-What?! -Yeah.
Didn't Joey tell ya?
I gave you magic legs.
Oh, did I not mention that?
My bad.
(CANNED LAUGHTER)
Mick, you must take the surfers and run back.
And you must make
the greatest surf movie in the entire universe.
The stoke levels will be so high
that any anger or cynicism
will be overcome with a bulletproof immunity
that Fig's virus will be unable to infect.
You will have saved surfing and the planet.
But I tried running
and all I did was go heaps fast.
How does the time travel work?
I dunno, maybe run backwards or some shit.
Let's do it.
We're going back.
We must save surfing.
Alright, let's do it.
Righto, boys.
We're going back!
Back in time to save the future of surfing.
(INHALES DEEPLY) Ohmmmmm.
GRIFF: Best friends on a time-traveling adventure
to make the greatest surf movie in the universe
and save surfing?
This is the best day of my life!
JACK: Finally, I can play my song!
WILKO: Yes! Three cheers for Stinga Razorblades!
Hip-hip.
Hip-hip.
Ah, fuck it.
(ROCK SONG PLAYS)
()
No man's ever gonna stop us now
Fig the fuck won't bring us down
Oh, yeah, we're saving the cosmic land
From the devil's hand and his evil plan
No man's ever gonna stop us
Nothing's ever gonna stop us now
The greatest surf movie in the universe
The greatest surf movie in the universe
Yeah, we're six best friends and we're taking it higher
Bringing that heat, can you feel the fire?
The greatest surf movie in the universe
()
Me and my friends got something to say
You can't go erasing our memory
Gotta find us the perfect cone
To knock that man from his evil throne
Oh, yeah, the tables are turning
Six flames are burning
The greatest surf movie in the universe
The greatest surf movie in the universe
Yeah, we're six best friends and we're taking it higher
Bringing that heat, can you feel the fire?
Of the greatest surf movie in the universe!
Huh!
There you have it.
With Fig dead and Mick's magical legs up to the task
the boys are able to travel back through time
and save surfing.
Now, if you believe none of this happened,
then fair enough.
But if it didn't, then how do you explain this?
The Greatest Surf Movie in the Universe.
Hmm?
See... This is real.
This doesn't exist on some cloud.
This is a cassette, a VHS,
and they don't lie.
(SIGHS) So...
grab your mates, get off the couch, go surfing.
You know?
'Cause you don't know what you've got till it's gone.
And then it comes back again
and then you do realize what you've got, but
you get sick of it 'cause you're doing the same thing
day in, day out and not getting any better.
You think, holy shit, did I put my fucking fins in backwards?
Do I need a new leg rope? New tail pad?
Maybe I should try some different rails
or some more literage, some less literage.
Maybe I should lose a few pounds? Hey?
Fuck you. Yeah.
Anyway, you can go on all day.
But the point is we've run out of time.
And so the story's come to an end.
Or have we?
Oh, fuck.
I hope I didn't record over the end of it.
Ah, fuckin' knew it!
I should've put it on the fucking cloud.
It's what me mate said.
"Just put it on the fucking cloud."
Hostelza.
Yeah, fuck, he could surf.
Chazza, Tublet,
Chrisso and Lamb Dog.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, those guys.
They used to say I was the best tube rider of everyone, though.
Good on the lefts.
Old backhand, eh?
Mmm.
Fuck, I really need to go surfing.
(SIGHS)
I'm gonna go.
There's waves out there.
Grab your board, boys.
Where's that fuckin' backwards fin board?
(PROJECTOR RATTLES)
(SLOW CLAPPING)
Arrgh!
Are you fucking serious, Joe?
That is dead set
the worst movie I've ever seen in my life.
No-one is ever gonna remember surfing after this.
-Oh, I agree. -Shit.
I didn't want to do this
but there's only one man that can save us now, mate.
You know who it is, and only you know where to find him.
So, go on.
(WIND HOWLING)
Hey, you there!
It's me!
Joe Turpel from the Global Shred League!
I've been sent on a mission by Hughie
to find the Golden Goat and save surfing.
Do you know where he is?
Dude, what took you so long?
Let's do this.
(HIP HOP SONG PLAYS)
(INDISTINCT LYRICS)
()
(FARTS) Speaking of silent and deadly,
somethin' smells like a mushie shit in here.
Is that you, Mase?
(FARTS) You smelt it, you dealt it.
Smells like a poo rolled in a rainbow paddlepop.
(FARTS)
(SNIFFS) It's definitely the unicorn.
(HIP HOP SONG CONTINUES)
(INDISTINCT LYRICS)
()
Blah, blah, blah, something or other.
They all get fuckin' decimated.
Whaaaa!
This is where you cut to the tight shot of the TV.
And get over there.
Then you're gonna swap to this.
You wanna come round here, Nick?
Arrgh!
That looks all sick, the background and stuff, eh?
One shot locked off, all good.
()
Yeah, Joey.
JOEY: Before I go, should we jam?
HUGHIE: Dude, let's do this.
JOEY: Two, three, four...
I've got a peanut butter cup and I'm ready to rock
I've got the rhythm of the morning light
I've got the strawberry jam all over my hand
And I'm movin' with the morning tide
I've got a peanut...
Logically, just 10 years from now...
So, I'm in 2033. (LAUGHS)
VAUGHAN: None of that makes sense.
Please don't let logic get in the way of this film.
It will not work.
10 years from now, but I'm in 2033?
Yeah, exactly, mate. (LAUGHS)
Best we don't think about it.
Fuckin'... Arrgh!
Cut!
(LAUGHTER)
Yes!
I'm not drinking beer.
CAMERA MAN: No, no, no. I didn't record that at all.
Yoo hoo, yoo hoo-hoo
Shoobie doobie doobie doo
I've got a peanut butter cup and I'm ready to rock
I've got the rhythm of the morning light
I've got the strawberry jam all over my hand
And I'm moving with the morning tide...
Let's go, Hughie, come on!
Whoo hoo, whoo hoo-hoo
Oobie doobie doo doo doo
Yoo hoo, yoo hoo-hoo
Oobie doobie doo doo doo
Yoo hoo, yoo hoo-hoo
Yoo hoo, yoo yoo yoo
Let's go, Hughie, come on!
Yoo hoo, yoo ee you ee hoo
Yoo hoo...