The Hardy Bucks Movie (2013) Movie Script

Robbie Keane with the chance.
Keane takes it and scores.
Poland and the Ukraine,
are you ready for us?
All right, lads. Come here, okay.
Salmon, refreshments.
There's men who need their hydration
here, Salmon, come on.
Come on, Salmon, hurry up.
What's going on with us?
It's nine all.
- Sure, we know that.
- We should have this in the bag.
In the bag? Sure, I saw The Viper
slip the ref a nodge of hash.
- The ref?
- At the car park.
I bought that man 20 euros
worth of pints last night.
Fucking can't trust anyone any more.
- Come on, Salmon. Good man.
- All right-a-fucking boy!
Salmon, you could have got
something a bit less alcoholic.
See, this is your problem,
Toastie, you've gone soft.
You won't take a drink and you
wonder why we don't play you.
You cannot have a sober man on the pitch.
It's not me who made up the rules.
If you're out there sober,
you're a danger.
it's not safe for your team,
it's not safe for the other
wankers on the pitch.
He's only being sound.
Can you imagine if Barry Macey
was fucking refereeing?
- Oh, don't even start that now.
- Oh.
You wouldn't kick a ball
if you passed the breathaliser.
How's it going?
Eddie Durkan here.
Well, this is Castletown, my home.
Look, it's pissing rain and that's June.
How depressing.
There's no women, there's no work,
and no craic.
Not like the craic
these boys are having.
See, the one bit of good
news is that Ireland
have qualified for the
Euros out in Poland.
And if I was any right man,
I'd be out there, too.
But A, my mates are fucking useless.
And B, I'm skint.
Last time we qualified
was years ago
and my Uncle Mick was out there
and he said it was a great craic.
Look at him. He's like a cross between
Liam Neeson and Samuel Beckett.
Man's a fucking legend.
This'll take me back 24 years.
Germany, '88.
Jaysus, we had the time
of our lives.
Shit, Germany wasn't
ready for us at all.
And they were never ready for the feckin'
eighty percent proof poitin, neither.
Seth and the boys brought over
a couple of gallons of poitin
and we were selling them off in
small little bottles to the Germans.
We were making a small fortune
until we got caught out.
Lucky enough I could see by
the old Sergeant Major's nose
that he was fond of
a drop himself.
I gave him a litre.
You know what he said?
"Fair play to you lads,"
gave me a tap on the back
and says, "Off you go. "
Hey, he's a good uncle,
isn't he?
Hep-a-shout-out and fucking
little bad fucking yeah
What's the craic.
Belleth door, press now.
Hello, what's the craic?
Is your brother in there?
He's committed himself to a
rehabilitation clinic in Galway.
- For?
- For addiction to hash.
Do I look like I came down
in the last shower?
- Addiction to hash?
- He kept having hallucinations.
That sounds like class craic, man.
Are you saying the
drugs don't work?
Who are you man, Neil Ashcroft?
That means the gear is solid.
Mental gear solid,
and I'm solid shnake.
If the brother isn't around,
then the family's gonna
have to pay top dollar.
So if you can go and get some
money for me, that'll be...
That'll be sound.
Beaten by a child.
Why didn't you crack
some shkull, man?
A bit fucking harsh,
he's only twelve.
You're meant to be
the hired goons, boys.
I don't hire Blubberpuss and
Edward Leatherhands for nothing, man.
Top dollar I'm paying ye.
And there is the final
whistle. The final score in Poznan.
Bitter, bitter disappointment.
Ireland one, Croatia three.
Yeah, well, look at the craic
the boys were having out there,
see the lad sucking anyone's tit.
I want my team to win,
not lads sucking on tits.
You can suck on tits any
day of the week.
Only a few seconds in and we're a goal
down. We're absolutely shite, man.
- Buzz, is that you?
- Yeah, baby.
Thought the place had
been broken into.
It's just a bit of
riding there, will you relax.
All right, so.
- Good man.
- Lucky for some.
Lads, do you want a cup of tea?
- Nah, I'm good thanks, man.
- Cheers, Frenchie though, all right.
- Buzz?
- Yeah?
Do you want a cup of tea?
Yes, please.
And how about your mate there?
Please, one sugar.
Sound, whoever you are.
Pleased to meet you.
I'm The Boo, by the way.
Will you shut the fuck up, lad,
I'm trying to concentrate.
She's a nice voice
on her though, whoever she is.
If the boys in green played as
well as that lad in there now.
Yeehaw! Howdy, dick blowers.
Do you like the fucking wheels, man?
Where are you going? Big romantic
three-way to Athlone, is it?
Very funny.
We'll be bypassing Athlone actually.
Bypassing it on the way to P
to the O to the L to the A to the D.
- Polad?
- Poland.
I meant to say Poland.
I missed out the N.
Going to watch the fucking Euro
World Cup and the boys in green.
Yeah, you're such a big man going
out there and everything.
Yeah, I am a big man
in a big fucking van.
How are you going to
get tickets out there?
Fuck, man.
I never thought about that.
Shit. What if I go all
the way out there?
You mean there's no tickets, like?
- There's no tickets left for people?
- No, there's no tickets left.
- Fuck.
- Yeah, exactly.
- Now you're not so smart, are you?
- You need a ticket.
I don't... I don't want to go
all the way out there and like,
not have any fucking
tickets to the games.
Let's just say a game like
Ireland v. Poznan in Italy, yeah?
- You're a fucking arsehole, man.
- Ha, I'm only messing.
Listen, I'm only here to rub it in.
Enjoy another fucking summer trying to
master self-fellatio, you big gang bangers.
Woo! This is it, lads,
life on the open road.
Three thousand kilometre
round trip, just us.
What could be more fun, eh?
Well, I've compiled a list of about
forty, fifty "dos or don'ts" though.
I need you to adhere to them
while you're under my control, okay?
Number one. No shitting in the
on-board toilet. Nicht, nicht.
Number two. Shleeping. I'll have all the
best beds, you can have the shit ones.
If I'm on the job, which is hopefully
going to be every fucking night,
I don't want you sleeping
in the same van.
Number four.
No fucking nudity from either of ye.
Especially you, Stateside.
Don't want any fucking nightmares.
Plus, you're meant to be hard lads.
If I see your cock and balls
in action then, you know,
it just breaks the
fucking illusion.
Number seventeen. Shtateside,
you sing lullabies to me when I...
They're so beautiful.
So gentle.
So moist, aren't they, lads?
Ah, here, hey, this is fucking depressing.
It's boring, that's what it is.
We should be out there
with the rest of them,
on the way to Poland now.
Sitting round here,
like a gang of wankers.
Clims and leabes.
More shit talk out of you,
Eddie, is it?
Yeah, shit talk, is it?
It's not shit talk, Boo.
Ah, it's fucking pure muck.
- Is it?
- Yeah.
Then we're going Dublin, Ibiza, America,
and now we're off to Poland.
What's wrong with your
bits and pieces here?
- It's different this time.
- How?
- Completely fucking different.
- How is it different?
How is it different? It's a matter
of national pride this time.
- Your country needs you.
- Why, for what?
Your people need you.
Your country needs a lift, Buzz.
- Are you thick, or what's the craic like?
- I'm smart.
This is just going to be drinking and
slobbering, man. You can count me out.
Look, we can be over there
for the Italy game next week.
How would you get there?
You leave it to me now, all right?
I'll have that sorted out.
The mother ship, it's going to be bringing
us all around the World Cup places
in fucking Poland and Yugoslavia.
Got it from the old lad. Not proud of it,
not fucking ashamed of it either.
But watch and learn as I give you the
grand tour of this fucking mother beast,
while Booboo and Fucknuts buy
me loads of booze in the petrol station.
The presidential step
is lowered for my tiny feet.
Ah! Ooh.
Once inside,
the presidential step is retracted
like the penis comes
back inside to the...
I'm just coming inside the womb.
That's where the fucking slaves
are going to be driving me.
The dining room. I would
use the dining area
to wine and dine chicks
I've brought back
before taking them up
to the fucking bedrooms
located at the front,
the rear, and even there.
It's good to make them feel like
they're being wined and dined because
then they'll do extra
stuff to your jimmy.
Vulvazela. Jingle bells. A wig.
I'm just going to be the
biggest fan out there.
Shitter. Now the bedroom.
This is the clitoris
of the vulva vehicle.
But, uh...
What's this?
"Dear Viper... " From fucking Stateside
and Dragon. It's a joke, isn't it?
"We made a mistake, Viper.
"Myself and Stateside
"would rather drive rusty nails
into each other's cocks
"than spend three weeks
trapped in a van with you.
"P.S. We took your 400 euro
which you owed us, you prick. "
"Stateside left you a present in the
toilet which may have blocked it. "
Yeah, I know well.
I'd say the jig is up now, boys.
In the toilet, eh? Hiding in the
one place I couldn't find you, eh?
I bet you're fucking...
Okay, Edward, can you tell me
how this happened?
Well, I was out doing a bit of shopping
for the elderly, minding me own business,
next thing, I fell over
these frozen turkeys.
- Frozen turkeys?
- Yeah.
Fourteen or 15 of them just thrown
there in the aisle.
Slipped on one, banged me head
off the other one.
It was like the fall
of Saigon, you know?
- What a bizarre accident.
- I know.
And do they know who
put the turkeys there?
No, they do not.
Someone threw a jacket over
the CCTV camera.
I know, isn't it awful?
But look, doctor, I don't want to be
dragged through the courts on this.
No, I just want a quick over
the counter settlement job, you know?
Listen, Edward,
I'm not a lawyer, all right?
- Yeah.
- If you want to jump on the bed,
I'll have a look at you and then
we'll send you down for an X-ray.
- An X-ray?
- Yeah.
- For what?
- Just to assess the damage,
pinpoint any fractures.
I thought you couldn't
prove neck pain?
No, no, no, you're
thinking of back pain.
Stateside, it's Viper.
Where the fuck are you, man?
Why's it going to voicemail?
Yeah, Dragon, where the fuck are you,
man? Four hours now.
The joke has gone flat.
The joke has gone flat!
We've got a fucking ferry to catch
in a few hours. I'm nearly crying.
You're fucking me up, Dragon.
You're fucking me up huge style.
And by the time you get this I'll be at
Dublin Port, so please, if you do...
If you can make it,
do fucking come along.
Well, Eddie.
Don't be breaking the door,
would you?
- Waste of time, man.
- Told you it was a waste of time.
All you're doing is comparing
dick sizes with the Viper.
Plus, you know, I'm not going
to leave Moira, you know that?
Fuckin' Moira.
- Oh, I have.
- What about the rule, Buzz?
- What rule?
- Soccer before sex.
Bollocks. Sex before soccer always!
Man, I'm having some of the best
sex of me life.
Well, it's all right for you to be
up at the town potting the pink.
- Yeah.
- Shteve Davis down the brown.
Whereas I'm stuck here
bored out me fucking tree, man.
If you're that bored, why don't you ask
Salmon so, to go off to Poland with you?
The lad needs cheering up.
Why would I want to go
to Poland with Salmon?
Salmon is boring as fuck.
He just sleeps all day like an old sloth.
- Why does he need cheering up anyway?
- 'Cause he's in bits.
Salmon, I'm sorry to hear about your
aunty heading to the dungeon of silence.
If it's any consolation
I've been in tears all week.
Cat's gone missing.
It's no consolation at all.
Shleepy time.
Uh, Salmon.
- Cheers, Eddie, for coming.
- All right, now how is she?
Well, uh, dead.
I just don't know what to say
to you, you know, it's er...
She was a fucking dote.
Cheers, Eddie.
Did she leave you anything?
That's not really appropriate.
That's not what I meant. Don't be
putting words into me mouth, man.
You need to go away
on a holiday, man.
She's not even buried yet.
I know, but get away from all
this shit, like, you know.
What the fuck is a great
aunty anyway, like?
What do you mean?
She practically raised me.
I... I was being rhetorical.
Maybe you should move on then,
speak to someone else.
Maybe you should move on,
go on a holiday. Do you understand?
We'll talk real soon, right?
Be strong.
- Poland?
- Yeah.
- Poland?
- Yeah. Poland.
- Look, you don't even use it any more.
- I do use it!
It's full of shit, I'm raising
turkeys in it for killing.
I'll have that cleaned out
with a power hose in a jiffy.
But you can't take that yoke
on the road. - I can take it...
Go over 50 miles an hour
and she'll overheat.
And you've no reverse gear in it.
Ah, it doesn't matter, Mick.
I'll find a roundabout.
Look, there's a bit of money heading
my way now shortly.
I'm not sure, but there might be.
If I get the fucking wheels,
the dream is complete.
You were there in '88,
you know what the craic is.
Houghton and the boys, Stuttgart.
When do Ireland ever qualify
for anything these days?
Hey, Eddie!
Here, take that with you.
- You'll need that for good luck.
- Thanks very much.
And remember the women
in mainland Europe...
- Yeah?
- Make sure you check their Adam's apple.
When you're in the middle of it, gay
or straight, it's impossible to stop.
It all goes out the window...
Gay or straight.
- Good luck, Eddie. Good luck.
- Thank you, Mick. God bless you.
And be careful, eh? Go on.
Go on.
Ah, come on, fucking
Stateside, come on, fuck.
If you could see where I was now,
you'd be fucking ripping.
You'd be absolutely ripping.
I'm fucking sitting here now
with a gang of lads,
I'm sure Calum Best is here as well.
A load of fucking women around me.
They're asking me
where my mates are.
I was showing them fucking
photographs of you and Dragon.
They were fucking going wild, hey.
No fucking joke, hey.
Please, man. Where...
Please, why'd you fucking...
Why'd you leave me, you know?
Please come along if you get this.
I'm sorry the way I behaved
there, at the wake.
You know, it's...
It was out of order.
And a man like you in
your time of grief...
You'll be mourning that woman
for a long, long time, Salmon.
Ah, yeah, I'm still really cut
up about it and upset, you know.
And that's going to take you
a long time to get over that grief.
And it's a time for mourning and it's a
time... It's a time for heroes, Salmon.
And that's why we need to show
our respect to your late great aunty
and take this show on the road.
Ah, fuck me, it's good
to have some company, man.
Fucking lonely out.
Been crying for 37 miles.
Where are you headed to?
The next service station
will be sufficient.
Fucking sound out.
I'm heading to the fucking Dam.
Dam busters.
Gonna sell the boys a bit of
fucking shkunk pussies.
Make a bit of fucking
money, that's what I do.
How about you?
I am Germany's number one
stand-up comedian.
We've got a fucking
joker in the pack, huh?
Tell us a joke, there. Fuck.
It's rude to ask a comedian to
tell a joke when he's off duty.
- Are you fucking serious? Rude?
- Very rude. I refuse to do it.
I don't believe you for
a fucking second, hey.
I am Germany's answer to Chris Rock.
Fucking Dickie Rock, more like.
On the phone, Eddie, you said that this
was going to be some kind of campervan.
Yeah, it's a van and
we'll be camping.
To be fairs, I have been thinking for
a long time about going to Europe.
Europe is there to
be exploited by me.
They're very liberal,
they're a bit daft,
the Europeans with all this chorizo
with salami with all... Black forest ham.
I've a keen eye and I'm going
to try and source some materials cheaply,
bring them back here and sell
them at a higher price.
Speaking of finance, what happened
to your poor old aunty, Salmon?
How did she pass away, like?
They say it was the
tea that killed her.
- The tea killed her?
- Yeah.
She got up to make a cup of tea, tripped
over the cat and fell into the telly.
- How much did she leave you anyway?
- 1,600.
- 1,600, yeah?
- Yeah.
- And tell me, do you have it all with you?
- I do, yeah. Just like you said.
And you definitely can get me
a ticket to the Italy game?
Tickets? To the Italy game?
Oh, yeah.
Not a problem, man.
Don't you worry about Buzz, man.
I'm the alpha male of the group
and you'll do what I say
because you're my minions.
Yeah. Do you believe that?
What are you on about, "minions"?
Are you coming or what's the craic?
- Uh...
- Come on.
- I don't know, I don't know.
- Come on.
Well, Moira's going to come over now
in half an hour for the old...
Now, look, look, look... Moira?
Are you still going on
about her, are you?
We're going to try
out a few new moves.
Listen to me, Buzz, the amount of
women on the continent,
you'll blow the beans even
just thinking about it, man.
- Look at that.
- Where'd you get the cash?
Don't you worry where
I get the cash.
Myself, Salmon and The
Boo are here, man.
Go and have a fast wank.
Go on, drain the spuds.
And you come back out here and you tell
me you don't want to go to Poland.
- All for you, baby.
- Right...
I'll have a fast wank.
- Ah, go away, go in.
- And pack the clothes.
Right, hold up. Hold up.
Shit, it's amazing how you don't give
a shit for women after you have a wank.
I only make jokes for payment.
Payment is transaction
of money exchanging hands.
- This drive is not payment.
- Got a joke for you, man.
What did the Irish lad say
to the fucking Germanian lad?
I give up.
Get out! Get out!
What have I done?
I can't wait to do a bit of the old
manual labour, get the old hands dirty.
- Oh, yeah.
- Good, good for the old soul like.
You love the work, Toasteen.
I'll do a bit of graft so I will.
But how... You've an awful lot of
bags for just doing a bit of graft.
- That's right.
- You've got sleeping bags and stuff,
what's that all about, like?
I've got your passport with us.
What do you mean
you've got my fucking passport?
All I said is I might've been bending
the truth a little bit.
- We're going to Poland, man.
- That's fucking kidnapping, man.
It's shnot, it's shnot.
Well, so much
for Salmon's patriotism.
That lasted as far as the petrol
station in Ballaghaderreen.
Fucking hell, is it just me,
or is it fucking weird out there?
- Surely. My name's... Nice to meet you.
- Mark.
Not too bad, Mark... Mark, Mark.
So you can definitely fucking buy
here, it's all legal, is it?
All legal.
The police, they aren't going
to fucking come and get me.
Let's fucking lock and load, get the joints
out because we're going fucking shmoking.
- This is a nice one.
- What does it do?
- It makes you stoned.
- Shpark me up, man, spark me up.
Fucking hell.
- How you doing?
- All right?
The strongest, is it?
Are you going for pints?
Do you want a pint? Or owt, man?
No, thank you.
Didn't hear me.
Fuck's sake.
She's overheating, lads.
Oh, God.
We'll have to give her
a few hours to cool down, like.
Mick fucking warned me.
Oh! I don't even know
where the fuck we are, lads.
Oh, I know where we are.
I know where we are.
- How?
- Huh?
- Oh, nice one.
- Where are we now?
- Berlin?
- Nrnberg.
Do you know what this is, Buzz?
- It's a map.
- Map of what?
Of... Of land.
Map of fucking Germany, Buzz.
Who's to say
we weren't gonna get lost?
Is it just me or does
this make you feel lonely?
Hmm, depends how you feel.
Fucking Stateside and Dragon,
they'd given me a text
to say they weren't fucking... They
weren't bothered about coming over...
- You know Stateside?
- No.
If you can make friends around these
places, that would be fucking sound out.
Savage, like.
You try.
You want hash or marijuana?
I have some, I'm just looking at the...
Your prices.
I've got a bit of shtuff
there if he wants.
It's not allowed that you sell your
stuff here to people.
Got this shtuff called
"closet" up in Sligo.
Makes you think you're locked
in a fucking closet, man.
Sell it on the street, but not here.
Ah, there's going to be no cops
in here though, is there?
Don't be getting smart.
Hello. I don't know if you could hear me
over there, like, you know.
But I was just looking...
I ask you one more time.
If you do it again, I throw you out.
Yeah? Watch this, watch this.
Do you want to buy some fucking
closet, man, do ya?
- Stop. Come on, come on.
- I said... Hey, ooh.
Don't fucking touch me, man.
- Please, come on. Go out.
- I'm only being fucking friendly.
- I'm only being fucking sound, man.
- Hey... Go, go!
Oh, God, Salmon, you fucking pig.
Oh, man!
Ah, how are you, love? How's tricks?
Yeah. Listen, I can't
talk right now.
You're having a good
go though, aren't you?
Fuck off. No, no, no,
no, not you, not you.
I am awful sorry about leaving but like,
it's kind of like a business trip.
Don't be getting thick, hey?
Listen, you know my heart
has feelings for you.
I'll send you a picture
of me nob tomorrow, all right?
Good luck. Good night, good night.
Salmon, stop that.
Hey, lads, since we're
doing a European trip,
shall we leave out Poland
and just go to the Dam?
You've drink, drugs, women.
The unholy trinity.
Sounds like my nightmare.
That'd be Sodom and Gomorrah.
Ah, be... It'd be a good craic,
I reckon it'd be a nice little detour.
- I'll give it a go, like.
- Hey, Buzz.
Did you evers try that
old phone sex jobby?
Where you put the phone down your pants
and it vibrates until you blow the beans?
No. Talking dirty to
your missus, like.
You're on to something there, Boo.
Maybe you could, uh,
give it a go, man.
Why would I want her to talk
to all your fucking dirty voices?
She'd catch something
just from the sound of you.
Cheers, Eddie.
You cannot come to Europe
and not go to Amsterdam, you know?
I came up with the idea.
You'd swear you suggested it.
We've been on about this since
we were fucking...
Yeah, since we were like
twelve year old men.
No, no, I'm grand, man, I'm grand.
- Ah, go on, French, go on, man.
- What's happened to you, man?
You used to be a fucking hard cock.
I'm sorry, lads. It's just for
my own sanity, like, you know.
Ah, he used to love that shit.
But sure I'm getting fucking baked
off the fucking fumes in this place.
Here, Boo?
I'm going to have to
leave that stuff, sorry.
Where are you going?
He's a soft cock but
I've business to do,
I don't want to be going around
the place munched out of it.
- Like what?
- I'm going, doing a bit of business.
Oh, yeah, business is it?
I'm not doing that, I've business,
I promise you.
Don't pay too much, hey.
Here goes nothing.
He's going to see a dog
about a man, is it?
A man about a dog, yeah.
Going to see a whore about a cock.
- Did I just really say that?
- Huh?
Did you just wake up?
You're baked out of your tree, man.
Jeez, this stuff is strong.
- You okay, man?
- Yeah, sound.
Where are you going? Stay, now stay.
- Is your mind wobbling?
- Eh?
Is your mind...
Are you stoned?
Where are you going?
- Stretching the legs.
- Are you pulling a Jimmy White?
Are you going for our
Anne Frank, are you?
I don't know,
man, he's baked.
- Huh?
- He's pulling a whitey.
You all right, man?
Is this your first time in The Dam?
Yeah. I'm just on the
way to Poland, man.
Support the boys in green,
the boys in green, you know.
You need anything?
Yeah, a glass of water
if you've got one, man.
Or just a...
A milkshake or something.
- I'm not your fucking mother, yeah?
- Huh?
I mean do you need anything?
I've got some excellent pills.
Everything you need on an MDMA
base, baby. Man, they're beautiful.
Five each, take ten and I give
you two more for free.
That's a lot of work, man, I don't know
what the fuck you're talking about.
Good afternoon, sir.
Can I help you?
Good afternoon. I'm a bit nervous.
By the way, can I say to you,
you have a lovely shop?
- Thank you.
- Now...
Is there much money to be made in this
sort of business, now, selling these toys.
I'm on my third Porsche.
Everyone needs sex.
Everyone needs the sex, all
nationalities, they need the same thing.
It's like oxygen, we all need it.
All right, ten for two, yeah?
- Fine.
- Have fun, yeah.
- Hey, listen up.
- Yeah?
You take these before
you go to Poland, yeah?
I mean you don't want to fuck around with
drugs in Poland, really, I'm serious.
- Yeah?
- Yeah...
A friend of mine, he got caught
with only like a... Spliff...
- Yeah?
- They threw him in jail with a baboon.
Like a monkey baboon?
Like a fucking monkey baboon, yeah.
Fucking hell, man.
Prison guards, they got it from
a zoo or something.
The zoo, eh?
Yeah, they used to wrestle with it in the
courtyard for bets for money, you know?
So, everything was full so they threw
my friend in with the baboon.
What, like a gorilla,
gibbon kind of baboon?
Like a baboon, man.
He just sit there all day
looking at my friend.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And at night when my friend goes to
sleep, he tries to fuck him in the face.
You know like...
Crazy, man. Like...
- Oh, yeah, cheers.
- Yeah...
You watch your back, man.
What would you recommend for a guy who's
absolutely no chance of sex with a woman.
No chance, I mean zero.
I think you're too hard for yourself.
You're actually quite pretty.
Oh, Christ, no, no.
I have a lot of sex.
I have no problems
in that department.
I'm on about these lonely guys
back where I'm from.
I think I can make a bit of money like,
out of them getting no sex, like.
You could.
What would be the best
companion for them?
What's the best, the best...
The best stuff.
I think this is what
you're looking for.
How does that work? What's that?
Hey, man, you got to love
the old river, don't you?
The old swan.
The old water, man,
it's kind of peaceful, isn't it?
It's tranquil. Do you want
to see tranquillity, do you?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Take that.
What the fuck?
What the fuck is that, man?
It's whatever you want it to be.
Who are you?
Fucking Jack and the Beanstalk?
What do you want me to do with it?
Fucking take it, man.
Sure man, if I take that
the whole flood gates will open
and I'll sure be on the fucking piss.
Where's your willpower, Toastie?
Where's your willpower?
You were the man who fucking said,
"Oh, I don't want to drink. "
- Yeah.
- So, if you don't want to drink,
you're fucking... You're all
right with that, like, you know.
You'll be off your head.
You'll be so off your head,
you won't even want to drink.
Go on, it'll be fucking mad craic,
the pair of us, like the old days, man.
Sure... That's behind me,
that's all behind me, man.
Come on. Fuck that shit, Toasteen.
Drop the act, man. Drop the act,
you know what I mean.
You're in Amsterdam, for fuck's sake.
Why haven't you gone
into any of them?
Sure, one of them had hair like
down to her fecking knees.
I don't want to let her... Her knees
were popping out. See that now?
She couldn't...
She'll be fucked when she's 50.
- You're too scared.
- I'm not scared of a hooker.
You're talking rubbish.
I'm not talking rubbish,
I'm talking truth.
See them?
What about that other one
you were chatting to?
- Sure, she had wisdom teeth.
- You're too chicken.
- I'm not chicken.
- I think you're a bit scared.
- Scared?
- Here, I'll pay for you.
- What?
- And you go down.
- You're gonna pay me for going in.
- Yeah, go on. Go on.
What's stopping you?
All right, I'll go inside,
do you want me to go in?
I'll go in, so.
Right. Hold on there, Salmon.
Hi, can I go in?
Is this your first time in Holland?
- Huh?
- Your first time here in Holland?
Umm... I like, I prefer
pints of stout meself.
You want to touch me, why not?
- Yes.
- It's a fine yoke.
What size is that one?
I'm 38.
You look about 35.
Do you want to see a press-up?
Oh, baby.
Ooh. I'm just showing
you how to do moves.
- Oh, I love it.
- No, no, don't.
You know what you are?
You're a bloody romantic.
I know. It's okay to be shy.
- Yes, do it. Try one time, you like.
- No, no, listen, listen.
- Could I just talk to you? Listen.
- Yes?
No, no, put that away, would you?
No, please, please.
Just wanna... Could I talk to you?
Could I just talk to you, please?
Can you back up one
second, please, please.
Do it for me tonight.
I'll pay you big money
to leave me alone, please.
Just me and you, Mary Jane.
Ah, a wheeled seat,
wouldn't that be sweet?
You're going to have to go
a bit faster there, Victor, mate.
They left me, man.
They left me back in Longford.
I don't care though, Victor.
Me, yourself,
a bit of fucking sweet Mary J,
the moon is our oyster, boy.
Ah, Victor, hey, come here.
Do you know where I can meet
some class women, like?
That's your fault it's on a semi.
I'll give you thirty of
the hardest euros...
Can I talk to you about my life?
I'm going out with a
woman in Ireland, right?
- Her name is Moira.
- Yeah.
No, I'm... I don't know if I'm
hungry or not but I feel like
something's missing
when I'm away from her.
Do you ever get a feeling in your heart,
where you feel very hungry?
I'm going out with her, and I don't
like to cheat on a woman.
What's the story with them yokes,
are they fake?
Christ above, it's like a boiled egg.
It's like two boiled eggs.
No, I can't be looking, I can't.
No, no, because me girlfriend.
That's it,
that's it, that's all I can do.
So if anybody comes in here next, will
you tell them that I had sex with you
like, you know, full blown, uh...
If lads come in here and say,
"Was Buzz any good with you?"
or "That lad, was he any good?"
Just say, "He was flat out. "
Just say he was pumping
like a mad man.
- Yeah.
- Do you know what I mean?
- Yes.
- If you could do that, like, uh...
I'd be fierce pleased.
Can I hug you?
- You're sound, right?
- Yeah.
I'm sound.
Hey, buddy, buddy, umm,
sorry, could you? - Yeah?
- Umm, where are you from, by the way?
- Canada.
Do you mind if I ask you
a few personal questions?
- By all means.
- Right, right.
I'm just trying to get into the mind
of the sexual beast.
Down in this red light, how much,
on average, would you spend?
What would that be
in Canadian dollars?
- And you're female?
- Yes.
Now. What flavour
condoms do you like?
- A blowjob in a can.
- Blowjob in a can?
What do you make of them?
This big to about this big...
That's nearly an arm's length.
- That scares me, that kind of craic.
- Oh, it scares me, too.
- Lady boys.
- Lady boys, why, what do you mean?
Are they all they're
cracked up to be?
That's the way
it's finished in Gdask.
Spain four. Republic of Ireland nil.
The tears of disappointment will
be shed by the Irish support
who have always been magnificent.
Fucking hell, I've landed
on my feet here, hey.
Like an old cat.
But, erm, no, I had another friend
who fucked off me as well.
A pet crab, called Colin.
Left the gaff, had
them homing instincts.
The crabs, they like, scuttle towards
the sea like, you know?
But, erm, got as far as Ballina
on a Saturday night
and he got fucking smashed out of it.
Eight lads kicking the
fuck out of a crab.
Cried me heart out, but less of
the tears, more wine.
No more wine.
- No more stories.
- No?
How about the three of us get busy?
Fucking hell, this is
like a dream come true...
About wanking.
You wanna watch me and Candy first?
Money up front, sweetheart.
Erm, you're all right.
You can have this one for fucking free.
- Yeah.
- No. You pay us.
Pay you what? Fucking paid you
attention all night, man.
Down the fucking bar you were having
shcoops, I was footing the shcoops, man.
I don't think you understand.
Well, I don't think you understand.
If I wanted to pay for sex
I'd go down the fucking RLD.
The red light zone.
But erm, you never know what the fuck you
might catch off one of those prozzies, like.
You dirty piece of shit!
What the fuck?
Oh, God. Hey!
- Hmm... Hmm?
- Where the fuck are we?
- Huh?
- Where are we, man?
- Come on, up. Come on.
- I haven't... I haven't got it.
We've been caged, man.
We've been fucking... Hey!
Hey, hey, keep it down, man,
my head is fucking banging.
Was I drinking last night or what?
- Jesus Chr...
- Hello?
- Lads.
- What!
What the fuck happened last night?
Back from a night
of riding, are you?
Night of riding? No, no, there was
no riding on my part.
Are, sure, we seen you talking
to every nob handler in town.
I might have been out
all night with prostitutes
but I promise you there was no sex.
All research.
- Now, what did you get up to?
- Salmon, tell him.
Went into one of them women
and she was washing the flute
- and I blew the load.
- All over himself.
I wouldn't mind but that cock wash
cost me sixty quid.
Now that's... That's depressing.
All down his legs and everything,
sure it was a mess.
- Have you seen Eddie and Frenchie?
- I was ringing them all night. No answer.
Come on.
Fuck off, man.
Come on.
Fuck's sake, man.
All right, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
What's going on?
Who are you people?
Why'd I wake up in a fucking cage?
My name is Dominique,
and this is my club.
What does that mean, like?
So where are we?
In a nightclub, is it?
- Oh!
- Fuck.
Like, were we out of order last
night, or what's the story?
Out of order.
You owe me 4,000 euro.
Four... What?
Four thousand euro, for what?
For what?
For this.
The lad's fucked!
Any chance you can burn me
a copy of that, is there?
Yeah, you had a nice time, huh?
- Yeah.
- Hmm.
I don't remember any of it, though.
My champagne
and women are very expensive.
Yes, we can see.
So, how are you going
to pay for all this?
You cannot fucking keep people
locked up in a cage, like.
Can we talk to the boss of the place
and we'll get this sorted out.
- The boss?
- Yeah.
- Ah!
- Mmm!
You're talking to her.
My fucking head!
Look, we just want to go to Poland
to watch some football, all right?
Hey, hey. Fucker.
Give me that back, man.
Give me that back.
Well I... Could I at least get an aspirin
or something for me headache
and then I can think
clearly, you know.
Can you put it off as a tax write-off
or something like, you know.
Just... There's a lot of cash floating
around in this industry
- and I'm sure a lot of it's non-taxable.
- Four grand.
You have ten minutes
to come up with a solution.
- Ooh.
- Otherwise, we will come up with one.
Do you understand?
Yes, I understand.
Too fucking hasty here, please.
Toastie... Why aren't you doing
anything to fucking him, like?
That's some good stuff, man,
that's some good stuff.
Do you like that stuff, do you, Buzz?
Jesus, some old stash, hey?
- Sure, where'd you get it?
- New business venture, baby.
This beer, is it?
Open her up.
That baby's going to
make me a lot of money.
Blow job in a beer can. Genius!
- Have you done it?
- No, I don't get high from me own supply.
The boys back in Castletown are going
to go ape shite for that stuff.
Plus, you can wash it
out in the dishwasher.
For single lads,
that could be your best friend.
Ah, lads. Here they are now.
Where were you
lads all night, huh?
- Don't ask.
- Why?
- Let's just get the fuck out of dodge, man.
- Did you catch gonorrhoea?
Yeah, I wish.
Saddle up, we're
going to Poland now.
Ah, here, one thing about Poland,
like, Croatia hammered us today.
We got hammered, yeah.
And, and Spain like,
they absolutely annihilated us.
Are, sure here, hey.
Spain are fucking class at scoring
the best soccer goals a man can see.
And what's the craic with them Italians?
They're probably fairly handy as well.
Look, it doesn't matter about beating them.
We're not going to beat them, right?
And even if we did beat them
seventeen-two, it wouldn't matter.
- We won't qualify.
- It doesn't even get us through.
The team are gone.
So you're saying, let's leave Amsterdam
and all the craic that's here
to go off, no offence to you,
in a smelly old van and...
Can you give me a few minutes grace here,
I'm going to go downtown.
- Got a message from The Boo, lads.
- Saying what?
Football and Poland are shit things.
Look after dildos 'cause
plane does not take.
Gone to fucking Mayo.
He's gone, lads.
Boo, how dare he just fucking swan off like
that, leaving us with his box of filth.
Never mind The Boo, now.
I want to talk about you and the
riding you were at last night.
Yeah, they were lovely.
Got chatting to them, went back home,
gave them the gift of the gammon.
- Yeah?
- God bless you. That was the end of it.
What's in the black bag then?
One of their sisters lives in Poland.
So one of them was Polish?
Fucking Polish, Spanish, Dutch,
what does it matter, Salmon?
They were foreign, we got chatting,
they said, "Where are you going?"
And I said, "I'm going to Poland
to watch the football. "
So she said,
"Can you bring some stuff back?"
I said "Yes, I will. "
So now you're telling me
you're doing favours for the ride.
That's not like you at all, like.
- What are you on about, man?
- You're talking dribble.
I'm not talking fucking dribble.
Why weren't you answering
your phones, lads?
- They're at the bar.
- Because we left them at the flat.
Well you lost them or left them now,
which is it?
You're two snakes in
the grass, you are.
- Ah, don't do this to me.
- Don't do this to me!
Why, why, why?
Calm down, would you?
- Come out.
- She's not going anywhere, right?
OK, Mr Miyagi, calm down.
She's covered in black, for a start.
What are we going to do now?
Don't even know.
I'll tell you what
we're going to do.
Mick was right, the van
was bollockshed.
Do you know what I wanted to
do to that van, do you?
But in the cold light of day,
it was up to me to come
up with a more practical solution.
We'll hitchhike.
All the way to Poznan.
Not like that, right? Like that.
Why are you giving me this?
Because it might attract
a weirdo, Salmon.
Why do you want to attract a weirdo?
'Cause a lift is a
fucking lift, man.
Come on.
Work the shaft, will you, good lad,
work the shaft.
Sure hold it straight, Salmon.
Hold it straight, will you?
Yeah? Good man.
You'll thank me when you get a lift.
And I'll just hide
in here, all right?
Good man, keep it going,
keep it going, keep it going.
Come... You're joking.
What the...
- Good to see you.
- Well if it isn't fucking tithead.
- Fucking, Viper, eh?
- All on your own, are you?
- Hey, you're fucking stranded, are you?
- No.
Headin' to the Euros.
It looks like you're stranded in that
fucking heap of shite.
- No. Yeah... No.
- It's not even our van.
Bullshit, it's got your fucking name
on it, man.
It could be any Durkan. I know
about 25 Durkans going to Euros.
It could be any Durkan
but it's Eddie Durkan's.
- Is it?
- Yeah.
We're actually waiting on a lift,
as it happens.
Oh, yeah? From who?
From some savage fucking women,
that's who.
You can't pull the wool over my eyes.
Where the fuck did you meet them?
- Belgium.
- Amsterdam.
All aboard! Welcome to my world.
Won't you come inside?
In you get. What the
hell is with the dildo?
You're gonna use that
on Buzz, are you? Ha!
I mean, I know you're arseholes
and everything...
But we're from the same town, so.
We might as well stick together, eh?
Might as well, might as well, yeah.
A few rules though, you have
to drive me around everywhere.
Rule thirty-four.
No fucking pedal and cranking it.
This isn't a fucking knocking shop
I'm running.
This isn't fucking Viper's big
bang bus of hand shandies.
Oh, God!
This isn't fucking Pamela Handerson
and the fucking five dwarves.
- This isn't fucking...
- Ah, shut up to fuck.
Come on, come on with
the fucking rules, lad.
Fuck's sake, man, you need rules
or the place goes to shite.
Look, I was thinking about
what you were saying.
Castletown boys, sticking
together and all.
Like fucking shit
to a lolly stick.
Yeah, I like it.
I like it so much
that I'm going to give you a present
for the back of the van.
- Fuck off.
- Oh, yeah. You'll love it.
- Sound out, man.
- You will love it.
My other ride is your mother.
Fucking, hey. This is going to
look class on the bumper, man.
This is going to be deadly, boys.
I swear to fuck.
You're meant to... You
have to stay still
because I can't put it on
if you're moving, hey.
- Huh?
- I can't put it on if you move, like.
- Oh, right.
- All right?
- Sorry. Go on.
- It's going to look class on the side.
Ah ha ha... Hey.
Very funny, lads.
There's no fucking need
for that, lads. Eddie!
Ah, Durkan, come back, hey.
I cannot put the fucking sticker on
if you're moving, hey.
Come on, reptard.
Stay still, please!
Ah, fuck off!
Viper, eh!
Durkan, I twisted my fucking ankle there,
man. I can't see where I'm going.
Will you please wait up?
Francis! Come on!
Ah, come on, Viper.
You'll just drive off again.
Ah, Viper, come on now,
you're wasting our time.
No, you've been doing this
for two fucking hours.
I know, but we're tired now,
it's getting dark.
No, you're going to drive off again.
Shut up and come on. Come on.
You're a big boy now, come on.
You promise you
won't drive off?
Promise you.
It's only a bit of bullying.
- Come on, big shot.
- Bullying fucking hurts, man.
Come on, we'll do a
bit of arm wrestling.
- Come on, you're all right.
- The fun, fun's over, boys.
- Ah, no, it's only starting, like.
- Fun's over. Huh?
- It's only starting.
- What do you mean?
It's only starting. It's only starting.
Do you know what I mean?
I don't care any more.
- Pull off!
- Hey!
Hey! Hey!
I've got a spare ticket
to the game, boys.
You can drive off
and none of you are going to get it.
Hey, do you hear me?
- The old barbeque, Buzz.
- Yep.
Cannot fucking beat it.
- The B.B.C., boy. You can't beat it.
- Hail to the chef, is that what it is?
- Yep.
- That's it, eh?
Listen, I'm sorry about bullying you
earlier on.
I only done it for the
good of your health.
Hey, that was a savage
bit of bullying.
I knew you'd appreciate it.
In fairness I'd have done the
fucking same to any old cunt, you know?
What you do with the
football ticket?
Jeez, you fucking warmed
to that one fairly handy.
No, we're mates, like.
I don't know, I've just been
fucking keeping them
and thinking about who deserves
them the most, you know?
Keeping that as leverage.
For as long as I've got it
like, cunts are going to do whatever
I want basically.
- Don't tell them that though.
- No, I won't, I won't.
Class bit of cooking there.
- Toastie.
- What?
Where's the package?
It's safe.
It's under the seat inside.
Listen, all we need to do, right,
is be chilled out and
cool going across the borders.
That's all you need to do.
Would it not be better if we
just told the rest of the lads?
If Salmon gets wind of this,
he'll shit himself.
He'll be on the first
plane out of here.
And then there'll be no
more funding this trip.
I don't know. Can I cope
with all this pressure, man?
Look, Toasteen,
if you tell the others,
God knows how they'll behave at the
borders. You get them spooked...
Yeah, they'll be
paranoid and everything.
Who's paranoid?
- What?
- Who'd get paranoid?
Oh, no, I was just saying all the
weed we've been smoking in Amsterdam.
- You're paranoid, man.
- Huh?
- Huh? What?
- What?
Frenchtoast, what's going on?
What the fuck do you want, man?
- What's happening?
- I'm going for a shit, man.
The toilet's blocked.
Can a man not just get a bit
of fucking privacy?
What do you want, man?
I want to know what the fuck's going on
between yourself and Eddie.
Huh? There's nothing going on.
There's some fucking dodgy shit
going down, boy.
Honestly, there's nothing going on.
Swear on your mother's life
no dodgy shit is going on so.
- I will, yeah.
- Go on, say it.
Say, "I swear on my
mother's life that I,
"Frenchtoast O'Toole and Eddie Durkan,
have no dodgy shit going on. "
And you'll get this back.
Say it, Toasheen.
Do you wanna wipe
your bum or not?
To pay off the debt we've got to get
that across the border to Poland.
Fuck me.
- Is it hash?
- Yeah. Shh.
There's about
a hundred grand's worth, thousand,
I don't know how much is there.
Some crazy Dutch milf that wants
to make money off the football fans.
- Right.
- All right?
We've got to drop this to some guy
called Roman when we get to Poznan.
Fuck that, we'll just
sell it at home, like.
We can't, she's got
our mobile phones.
Yeah, she's got our contact details.
She's got our mothers' contact details,
she's got our fathers' contact details.
She's got our cousins' contact
details, right? - Yeah, yeah.
Now, if we don't get this to Roman
in the next two days,
her hard men will be on the
next flight home to Ireland.
I'm kind of scared but I'm turned
on at the same time.
Listen, the reason Eddie
didn't want to tell you is
because he thought you'd get
all paranoid at the border.
Yeah, and because he's getting chased
around by a fucking milf.
Toasheen, listen, I've
known you all me life.
You're like a brother to me, and
Eddie's like another brother to me.
- So two brothers you're like to me.
- Yeah.
- You know that, don't you?
- Yeah.
You know I'll always have your back.
You'll always have my back.
But if you get caught with this,
I don't know you, okay?
- Make your poo.
- Right.
- Why'd you have to go and tell me?
- It's not like I had a choice, like.
We all have choices. Yes or no.
You could have just said,
"No, I won't tell you. "
But oh, yeah, you had
to go and tell me.
I wish I could go back to when I was
young and I knew less stuff in my brain.
Hey please, Salmon.
Fucking hell, man,
would you stop snoring, please?
This'll fucking shut him up.
He won't snore again, hey.
I can go back to sleep now,
count some snakes. Goodnight, boys.
Hello, there.
Welcome to my world,
won't you step inside?
These boys are travelling with me
and I own the van.
But it's fucking brilliant
like, you know?
I'm having a great time,
having a great time of it.
You're scaring the girls, man.
Go easy. They don't understand
what you're on about.
Do you know how to speak English?
You can sleep there if you like.
Me know a few people
who like to sleep...
- Is that French, is it?
- No.
Cards. Do you like cards?
Play shithead?
Sorry, need to reach.
We'll crack on.
That's another one of those,
fucking silly dildo.
Stupid. I'll put that there.
Come on, Ireland!
And then if we're coming back,
there's a fridge.
- Shower.
- No, don't.
No, no, no. There's no spyholes or you
know, cameras or anything like that.
There's nothing weird going on
in this bus. Not on my watch.
Come on. Let's get back
to the fucking bed.
No, no, don't go back there.
Don't bring them back.
- What are you on about?
- No, don't bother.
Shut up. Listen, you're just jealous.
This is where the magic happens.
You never even had a chance
to blow my vuvuzela.
The sky is gorgeous.
- It's lovely stuff, isn't it?
- It is lovely stuff, yeah.
- It's lovely, isn't it?
- Yeah, brilliant stuff.
The hash, like.
Why do you keep asking
about the hash, man?
Why do you keep asking
about the hash, man? Do'e?
We've been here for an hour now
and about three quarters of the hour have
been spent asking me questions about hash.
Go on.
There might be a bit of a
story behind the hash.
But listen, if I tell you...
Listen, I fucking know well,
I know well, the craic.
I know what happened.
Fair play to you, you told them.
Well, I had to tell them, man. If you
can't tell your mates, who can you tell?
My mind is wrecked with
all this drugs craic, man.
I trusted you, man.
As long as Salmon and the Viper don't
find out, we're still in the clear, man.
- Hey, hang on a second.
- What?
How do you know that Buzz knew?
I thought it'd be fucking
best if I told him.
All that shit you gave
me, and you told him?
You're a fucking hypocrite.
- I'm not a hypocrite.
- You are a hypocrite.
I'm the captain of this ship, right?
And if it wasn't for me,
you wouldn't even be here.
What the hell's that?
Buzz, man? Are you all right, mate?
- Do you need some help, like?
- I might do, yeah.
What the fuck is wrong with you, eh?
Lads, I think I've broken me cock.
When you stopped the van so fast,
it kind of cracked down there.
Man, you shouldn't be using
the Boo's merchandise.
It'll be all right,
just rinse it out.
Ah, a bit of washing up
liquid, it'll be all right.
Hey, Buzz. Sure you screw
the old sump at the bottom.
Get rid of the residue.
You're an awful gang
of dirty pricks.
How's the Boo supposed to sell that
now second hand?
- Toasheen, can you pull this off, please?
- No.
- Please, we're mates.
- No, no, no.
Fuck you. Some mates you are, boys.
Go back to your wanking
lair, good lad.
- Are we far from the Polish border?
- We're coming up to it now, man.
I just wish I didn't know about
the shit in the back.
- Look, we're in this together, right?
- Yeah.
- Just be cool and relax.
- I am, right?
Good. Because if we get caught
with that hash,
we're fucked.
By police.
By Dutch gangsters.
- And worst of all, by the baboons.
- The baboons?
- You don't even want to know, man.
- What are you on about?
Look, go and summons Toastie, now.
We need him to be on his A game, right?
Frenchtoast! Frenchie!
- Get up here.
- Yeah?
- We want to talk to you.
- What do you want, man?
Are we nearly in Poland yet,
or what's the story?
What the fuck is that on your face?
- What are you on about?
- Oh, my God!
- Look in the mirror.
- What the hell are you doing, man?
- What the fuck is that, man?
- Oh, God.
Did you like the little doodle I did
on you while you were wet dreaming?
I'm going to fucking kill you.
Ah, it's funny as fuck, eh.
Funny as fuck.
I hear Poland is very beautiful
this time of year.
Hmm. It's always very beautiful.
Excuse me, can we enter your rather
fine country now, please?
- No.
- No?
We have to get on board
for contraband inspection.
Contraband? How do you mean?
There are football fans
travelling here these days.
And unfortunately, many of them,
have been carrying things they
shouldn't have.
Sounds like a case of naughty boys
with naughty toys.
You're confusing us with
the wrong boys, man.
We're sound Catholic lads.
Like yourselves.
Might have something on fucking board that
you might be interested in, like. Hey.
I don't know what he's talking about.
Here we go.
What do you think of that lobo?
A gift from the gods.
Eh! I see you have a little bit
of the taste for the fine stuff.
Take the head off.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
I see you're a man
who likes the taste.
Although don't drink too much,
otherwise your head
will be fucking coming off, too.
You like that, eh?
Some man for the fucking sauce!
- Ah, good, good.
- Yeah, it's good all right.
If it's one thing the
Polish like, it's mass.
And drink.
Steeped in barley for two months,
that shite, man.
- Right, get lost.
- See you later, lads.
We'll see you at the
fucking football, yeah?
I'm on the edge of a
breakdown with all this shit, Eddie.
That's the last border crossed.
Thank God.
I've got Salmon's phone, right?
All we need to do is just ring Roman,
discuss the drop-off point.
Then drop off the stuff, we're sound.
Have you got the contact details?
Yeah, yeah, I kept them in me
socks for safekeeping.
Good man, get them
out there, will you?
No, no, not these ones,
these are me spares.
The other ones, they were hanging
a bit so I threw them in the back.
All right, well go and get them then.
Time is of the essence, man.
Hey! Yeh!
Fucking dildos fell on me head, you dick.
I was trying to sleep.
- Have you seen my socks?
- What?
My socks, have you...
Have you seen my socks?
Aye, were they black, were they?
Yeah, black socks, yeah, yeah.
Aye, I fucking burnt them
in the barbeque the last day.
You burnt me socks?
- I burnt them, set fire to them.
- Why would you burn my socks?
They shtank and I
needed kindling.
Along with a vest
and Salmon's crotchless briefs.
They weren't crotchless,
the gusset gave out.
Fuck your gusset, Salmon.
Relax, I'll borrow you
a pair of socks, man.
I don't want your socks,
I want me own socks.
If I don't get them, the
whole trip is ruined.
You don't know what
was in them socks.
I should have never
came to Poland.
Look at the
sweat come out of you.
I should have never came to
Poland in the first place.
Let's get this fucking
party started.
Bye-bye, Durkan. Bye-bye, dickheads.
Where are you now, Dragon and Stateside?
Huh? Nowheresville.
While I drive off into the fucking
sunset with a shit ton of hash.
He hasn't stolen it.
He doesn't know about the hash.
- Unless somebody fucking told him.
- Well, I didn't fucking tell him.
Well, you told him.
You grassed me up.
- Fuck you, you twat.
- Don't tell me to fuck off.
No, lads. Relax, relax, listen.
- Oh, big man.
- Oh, big man.
- Hey, off the drink. Err!
- Hey, the two of you fucking talking.
Viper plus fucking caravan, multiply by
hash, equals you'll never see him again.
Fucking hell.
Why do I feel guilty?
I got to stop smoking this fucking weed.
You know, the lads are
fucking sound and...
And you know, the hash like...
What do I do if I get caught
with the fucking hash, Mary Jane.
Oh, them beds are very comfortable.
Where the fuck did you come out of,
you fucking...
Ah, I was just having
a kip down the back.
What's the craic?
Thank God.
Where the hell have you been?
Where were you, you gobshite?
Ah, hey, I seen fucking three bikini,
hey, clad women down there.
They just... They weren't there
when I got there, though.
Like some kind of sex mirage.
For the love of God,
let's just get going to Poznan.
Let's just do this.
Let's Poz it up.
This is our time, baby.
All aboard the Poznan ship.
I'm your captain, Captain Viper.
- Well, we made it anyway.
- Yep, the Windy Apple, boys.
Listen, we're here all right,
yeah, but we're not out of the woods yet.
Do you not remember any details of where
we're supposed to drop this shit off?
It was the name of a bar.
Frenchtoast, you were there as well.
Don't be putting this shit on me.
They said a fucking pub in Poznan.
- Are you joking? A pub in Poznan?
- That's all I remember.
The fucking place is
packed out with pubs.
Buzz, man. There was about fifty
boobs shoved in my face that night.
If I can't remember one of them,
and believe me,
I'm trying to remember that shit...
It's not my fault.
How am I supposed to fucking know the
name of a bar in the middle of Poland?
Pair of clowns, lads.
Do you know what I mean?
- Hey, lads, lads!
- What?
Just call our own fucking mobiles.
Call Dominique.
She tells us where the drop
off point is, bam, bam, bam.
- That should work, actually, yeah.
- It will work.
Know what, you're a
fucking pair of geniuses.
Come here, give me
the phone, will you?
My phone?
- Please, for a second.
- What about roaming charges?
You, you tight bastard, man.
You peel an orange in your pocket!
- Give us two. Two quid.
- Just give him the phone.
All right, Zanzi Bar.
Twelve noon. Oldish.
Well, how old are we talking?
Okay, yeah, yeah, I will.
It'll be done, all right?
We can fucking put this to bed
and that'll be the end of it.
Right. Bye.
Eddie, man, I can't do it.
What do you mean you can't do it?
I can't do it, man. We don't know what
we're getting ourselves in for down there.
Like what?
I don't know, it could be like
a sting operation.
Hey, we're in a foreign country.
Oh, I just wanna get
rid of this shit, man.
Do you know what I mean?
I just want to get rid of it.
Caused me enough fucking hassle.
Sick of it.
But I'm just a simple lad
from the countryside, man.
I'm not cut out for this craic.
Who do you think I am, Heisenberg?
Toasteen, look, just get it over
and done with, man.
I'll just go and do
it myself, all right?
Oh, man, listen,
I'll keep watch or something.
Well, come on, so.
It's the least you can do.
The nettles grow faster this time
of year in Poznan.
Huh? I'm sorry I not give...
Not give you the code.
You are Roman, yes?
Yes, yes, yes, indeed.
I have your package, Roman.
Is very nice, all the
way from Holland.
It's best.
You take now, it's all over.
It's finished.
I go home.
You go, I say bye-bye.
I'm gonna leave.
Very, very good stuff.
Good. Very good.
Thank you, my friend.
Lads, when I dropped that fucking thing
off, I didn't think I was coming back.
Do you know the way that back at home
there's like, like those fucking big lads?
- Yeah, stocky boys.
- These fellows were fucking massive.
Bit like pillars, or something?
Like pillars of the
fucking crime community.
- Yeah, how many was there?
- About fucking three of them.
And I was just weighing
up the craic, right?
Gave them the package
and said, look,
that's the last you'll be
fucking hearing of me.
And I was actually fucking
broomsticking them, like.
Are you serious?
Hold it down, fucking...
Hold on. Eddie, Eddie. Eddie.
- Pulled a fucking gun at me.
- He pulled a gun out?
Talk to Dominique.
There, you lying fuck.
- What?
- Pulled a gun out?
He didn't even deliver the package.
Talk to Dominique.
It's not my problem.
Hello? Yeah.
No, I fucking did it.
There was... Yeah, there
was one man there.
You have to feed us some bullshit
story about fighting lads outside the bar.
And then it turns out that you give
it to the wrong fellow altogether.
And then you have the fucking cheek
to ask me to go
and fix your mistake with
the Polish gangster?
Listen, Eddie, I'm not going
near that fucking place, right?
Look... They've no problem with you,
do you know what I mean?
It's myself and Frenchtoast
they're after.
You're on about being the
leader all the time.
Do you know?
Lead yourself out of this mess.
I'm useless, all right? I'm useless.
Is that what you wanna hear?
Because I'll tell you, I've no fucking
qualms in saying I'm useless, right?
I'm a gimp. My mother said it.
Big Mick said it.
Even your man yesterday
in the sweet shop said it.
I'm useless. Are you happy?
- Ah, you're not that bad...
- No, no, no, I am. I'm...
I'm an arsehole, I'm an absolute
grade A gimp. - You're not.
I'm the one that made
a balls of everything.
I got him back on the drink.
I got us into all this
mess in the first place.
I mean, all I wanted to do is just come
out and have a bit of football, like.
I even made a balls of that, like.
I'll fucking do it, right?
- I'll do it... Yeah, I'll do it.
- You'll do it?
Man, you don't understand how much
this means to me, Buzz.
All I'm asking you to do is go in,
tell them to look at the CCTV footage.
They'll see me, they'll see him and he's
probably a local. They'll get it back.
Just tell Salmon you're
going for a few pints.
Sure you'll be grand. You know what,
I reckon we're making a mountain
out of a molehill, man. You know?
Sure, knowing you, you'll probably
end up having pints with them.
What have you got us into?
Do you like that, boys?
- Fuck off!
- For fuck's sake!
Fuck, what age are you? Would you
grow up, please man, please?
Come on, stop the fuck!
- You must have no fear.
- I do.
If you think that you
can come to my country
- and fuck with me.
- No, no.
- No one fucks with Roman.
- No, I know.
You hear me?
I'm not trying to fuck with you,
right? It was an accident.
My friend, former friend,
gave the hash to the wrong man.
And you have just fucked
with the wrong man.
No, no, not yet.
I'll show you what an
accident looks like.
Don't, no, please don't, ah!
Fucking please, just...
Please, you're hurting my dick.
Here, just take my phone
and call Eddie, he'll sort it out.
He'll get you the hash. Please take
it away from there. I need that.
Okay, I prefer it if you give me
back what is mine.
- Then I don't have to kill you.
- I understand that.
So much screaming and begging
and mess.
No, I don't like mess either.
Just call him, please.
Eddie... Eddie.
You boys are in some deep shit,
you know that.
- I know.
- I don't see an Eddie here.
He's under "knobjockey".
- "Knobjockey"?
- K-N-O-B...
Hmm. Hmm. Knobjockey?
Knobjockey. Oh! There we go.
I hope this fucking knobjockey
can get you out of this.
Listen to me,
you fucking piece of shit...
Hey, hang on. Dominique, is that you?
What are you doing on this phone?
Where's my hash?
Listen, your henchman
in Amsterdam have Eddie's phone.
Eddie has my phone. Ring my phone!
Call Salmon's phone.
Look, I don't know what
the fuck is going on.
You send some monkeys
to do a man's job.
Call Salmon's phone. Salmon's.
- I'll call you back.
- Just call Salmon.
- So, now I call Salmon.
- He's under 'fishtits'.
Buzz, how'd you get on?
Eddie, we're at the wrong end of
a fucking gun range, right?
Get here in the next two hours with the
hash or the money or we're fucking dead.
Eddie, they're gonna fucking kill us.
Are you serious?
So you find the hash
or you find the cash.
If I don't hear from you
in the next two hours,
I begin to shoot your friends.
Starting from the feet,
then the legs, the
knees, and the balls.
For fuck's sake.
It takes a very long
time to die, understand?
Eddie, don't fuck this up!
Please don't fuck this up, Eddie.
See? Don't fuck this up.
And, Eddie, if you do
fuck it up, listen,
just tell Moira that
I've got big feelings for her.
That I love her.
So, two hours or I shoot them.
Toasteen, Toasteen, Toasteen.
Put on your best clothes.
- These are my best clothes.
- Are they your best clothes?
- Yeah, they're my best clothes.
- Good, good.
Right, here's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna go down there to the square.
We'll find a lovely little
restaurant, flush old place, like.
The kind of place mob
bosses would go to.
- Okay, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
When we get down there, right,
when we get down, this is what's
going to happen.
We have a nice drop of wine
and a few beers. We loosen up.
Take the edge off.
We order a nice bit of food.
And I'm thinking about a salad.
What we're gonna do
is we're gonna sit,
chill out in a nice,
pleasant environment.
And then we get inside
this man's head.
Find out what makes him
think in here, right?
And only then, and only then, will
we come up with a solution to this.
- So that's your plan?
- That's the plan.
What the fuck is wrong with you, man?
- What?
- Our friends are going to get shot.
Shut up to fuck.
All right, all right, all right, but
our friends are held at gun point.
And you wanna go for a nice meal?
- Yeah.
- What's wrong with you?
I'm fucking starving, I haven't eaten
for two days, man.
- Me mind's gone wild.
- Okay, okay, I know, I know.
I'm going to fucking start crying.
Okay, I know, I know, man,
I know you're under pressure.
Listen, man, if it's inspiration
you're looking for, I know a place.
For food?
Christ, I never thought
it'd come to this.
I know, kidnapped and shot at.
No, you telling some
ride that you love her.
Bit gay, isn't it?
I didn't fucking say
I loved her, right?
- I said I loved things about her.
- Yeah, you did.
Listen, Buzz O'Donnell loves no
fucking woman, only his old lady.
End of story.
What if we call the police?
Call the police and tell them what?
"Oh, our hash deal went sour. "
They're bound to help
us then, aren't they?
I don't know, Toasheen,
I'm confused.
I feel awful about Buzz and Salmon
being chained up in some dungeon,
being shot at.
It's my fault, I should be there.
Well, it is your fault.
You're the one that made the mistake.
You know, maybe you should offer
to exchange places.
What good would that do anybody?
Well, it would get Salmon and Buzz
free, you knows?
Do you know, they're innocent
parties in all this.
You're not so innocent yourself, are you?
You were there in Amsterdam.
Lobbing it back like a suck calf.
Couldn't get enough of the carry-on,
could you?
Ah, but sure you know that's not the real
me. I'm sound without the drink, like.
If you're that sound, Toasteen, then
you go and offer yourself up instead.
- I suppose you're right, like.
- Yeah. I am right.
Do you know, it wouldn't really do
anybody any good, would it?
- It wouldn't.
- Do you know?
It really wouldn't.
Ah, come on,
I'm a powerhouse of a man.
I'll lay pipe, I'll build walls, I'll
do anything, come on. Don't kill me!
Would you be interested
in any butt plugs?
I've got a van full of them.
Ah, it's all Ireland's fault anyway.
How is it Ireland's fault?
Well, if we didn't qualify,
we wouldn't be in this mess.
I have it. I have it.
- I think I've a solution to the problem.
- Solution?
- Yeah.
- What?
What's this town full of?
Lads, I need your help.
I've got meself into some bother, fellas.
Through my own selfish actions,
I've ended up doing the worst deed ever.
Getting my own friends into trouble
for something
I should have been man enough
to fucking take on.
If I was more of a man, I would
have gone in and done it meself.
But I bottled at the last minute.
And now me fucking mates
are in bother, you know?
- I need help.
- We'll help you!
I'm an Irishman, you're Irishmen.
From Castlebar to
fucking Roscommon Town.
From Galway to Sligo.
From Kilkenny, to Longford,
from Longford to Limerick,
from Cork to Wexford and Waterford.
To Donegal, down Fermanagh.
The whole gang of you.
I just need some help.
- Are you with me, are you?
- Yeah!
Just to throw some juicy
weight behind some slaps.
- Will you help me fight the crimelords?
- Yay.
- And do it for Salmon?
- Yay.
- Will you do it for Buzz?
- Yay.
Fight with me, lads, will ye?
We'll go fucking daft!
Well, that was the dream.
But in reality, they all thought
I was just some crazy ginger bastard
shouting shit in the
corner of a bar.
Will you help
me fight, will you?
Do you ever shut the fuck up?
Ah, right.
So that's a "No", is it?
- Ah, Salmon, me cock's in bits.
- Stop going on about your cock.
It's not like you'll
ever use it again.
Why, do you reckon Eddie's not
going to come through for us?
It's Eddie Durkan you're talking about.
How long have you known that lad?
I've known him all my life, Salmon.
He learned me how to read.
He taught me things I didn't know
about myself until I knew them.
He even showed me how to smoke. It's
because of him I'm such a good smoker.
That's true.
Twenty-eight years I've
known that lad, you know?
Drinking, fighting, smoking.
Eddie'll come through in the finish.
Do you think so?
Actually, no, he won't.
I just don't know,
Frenchtoast, you know?
- I cannot fucking think of anything.
- What are we going to do, man?
- No, what are we going to fucking do?
- I don't fucking know, do I?
Fucking hell.
I just don't know, Frenchtoast.
Fuck's sake, you fucking
stupid bastard.
What's the craic?
Come on, you boys in green!
Do you not fucking like
the football, man?
We're in the fucking place of football
at the year of the fucking football.
Look at the fucking face on you.
Watch this. Vulvazela. 50 zloty.
Don't, please don't. Please.
- Football is my...
- Stop that shite, will you?
- What the fuck is wrong with you?
- Or I'll put this up your arse.
- You fucking...
- What the fuck? Don't you fucking dare.
- Don't fucking make me jingle you.
- I'll fucking kill you.
- I'll fucking jingle you.
- I'll fucking put you in that lake.
What the fuck is wrong with him, eh?
- You don't understand, man. Listen...
- I'm only fucking enjoying the football.
You don't understand.
The lads are gonna
get shot, you fool.
- Who the fuck's gonna get shot?
- Buzz and Salmon are gonna be shot.
It was a hash deal that went wrong.
We're supposed to drop off
some hash for some Polish...
- Hash?
- Hash.
- Yeah, hash to some Polish gangsters.
- A big fucking block of it.
And if we don't get it to them,
they're gonna shoot Buzz and Salmon.
- Dead.
- They're gonna kill them, like.
I don't wanna fucking alarm ye,
because I've a load of fucking hash.
- I stole your fucking hash. Listen, lads...
- You have our hash?
I shwapped it for a load of
fucking wank mags.
Stuck it in a black
bag and I was gone.
Do you mean to tell me you
swapped our fucking hash with
a load of pornos which I gave
to some stranger on the street?
Fucking sneakily took off
with that hash, did you?
Yeah, but I fucking... We've still got it, like.
I've still got it which means you have it.
Do you have the hash still?
- I've the fucking hash.
- Don't do this to me now.
- I have the fucking hash, yeah.
- You have the hash?
- Yeah.
- You do?
- Don't fucking talk to me that close.
- You beautiful bastard.
What the fuck is wrong with you, eh?
You beautiful twat, you.
What the fuck
is wrong with you?
Well, you've saved the day
and I hate to say it.
I saved Buzz's life, eh?
Your best friend,
I saved his life, man?
Ah, here, hey, Durkan,
that lump of hash
has got to be one of the worst
kept secrets of all time, man.
Serious, like, you forget I have
the senses of a shnake, man.
Of course I'll not shoot your friends for
five thousand euro of hash. I'm not stupid.
But this kind of pressure is a
great motivator, don't you think?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah, great motivation.
- It's also fun to have a joke, no?
How you say, a bit of craic.
It's erm... It's good, all right, yeah.
Ah... Hilarious.
Are we done now? Can we go home?
I've been through too much shit.
Are we done? Can we go home?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
After you give me a suck job.
Hey, hey, whoa, whoa!
I told your friend Eddie I let you go
if he gives me suck job.
Eddie, just do it.
Just pretend it's a woman.
Fuck off, Buzz.
You do it, you prick.
Relax, I am fucking joking.
It's the craic.
- I'm having a craic.
- Yeah, the craic.
Ah, finally. Ireland versus Italy.
The last match in the group of death.
Sure the result didn't matter a fuck.
Ireland were out of the competition, like.
But what was important was
the lads got together
and supported them in a time of need and
that's what it was really all about.
Being there and going the extra mile.
That's what I'd learnt.
It wasn't about who the fucking alpha
male was or who the minions were.
It was about friendship.
I needed to repay my mates
with some tickets to the game.
Even if they weren't technically mine
to give away, like.
- Take that now, all right?
- Yeah.
You deserve it.
Eddie, I knew you'd
come through in the end.
- I apologise deeply for what I did to you.
- I know.
Putting you in that position,
I'm sorry, all right?
- We're BFFs. Big fuckers for life.
- You're a crazy bastard.
Salmon. Did you think I'd
leave you out of it?
What did I tell you?
- You'd get me a ticket.
- And what do you think this is?
- Look at that.
- Oh, you beautiful, beautiful man.
Hey, that's my fucking ticket.
- Enjoy the match, lads.
- They're my tickets.
What are you doing
giving them away, man?
Viper, you've caused us untold grief but
you've also fucking lifted our spirits.
I'm not giving them
a fucking ticket for it.
Don't worry about that.
We're going to the fan zone.
- What?
- And that's the end of it.
What the fuck am I gonna do there?
You're gonna have the fucking craic
with myself and Toasteen.
Good man. Viper, you're a
sound old fucking arsehole.
All right, sorry for being a prat.
I'm sorry I'm only fucking...
I'm only an arsehole
'cause I love you.
- I know you are, you bastard.
- Hey, watch this, like.
- Go on.
- Hey, watch this.
Hey, in fairness, lads,
I tell you one thing.
It's good to be back in the
cosy old cottage, isn't it?
It is, Toasteen. A man has to go away
to come back, as the old saying goes.
- Even if it is a bit depressing.
- It's nice depressing, like.
- Cock is fucked.
- Fucking hell, mate. You all right?
No, I'm not happy at all.
Another two or three weeks now
before she's working again.
You've worn her out.
What's going on with the woman
noising in the room there?
Well, she's on one of your sex toys.
You know that purple dildo?
I gave you that shit in good faith.
Sure what can I do about it, like?
You hardly got a receipt
off her, did you?
Well I brought something back
from Amsterdam myself.
Does it hurt when you piss?
No, I got this, fellas.
I hope you're ready.
What is this?
- All I say is, who are the minions?
- Is that hash?
- Is this? I don't know, you tell me.
- Are you fucking serious?
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Where'd you get that stuff?
Let's just say that's a little bit of
commission I got off a consignment.
Off a job well done, boy.
Hey, in fairness, lads,
you're not the only one
that brought something back
from Amsterdam.
What do you think of this
little bad boy?