The Hating Game (2021) Movie Script

"Mercy" by Duffy
Hit the beat, and
take it to the beat
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Eh, eh, eh
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah
And I love you, ooh
But I gotta
stay true, ooh
My morals got
me on my knees
I'm begging, please,
stop playing games...
[Lucy VO] I have a theory:
hating someone feels
disturbingly like falling in
love with them.
Your stomach twists and flips,
your appetite and sleep are
shredded, your heart
beats heavy and bright,
nearly visible through
your flesh and clothes.
Can you please
hold the elevator?
-[Annabelle] Ooh!
Already in motion.
[Lucy VO] Every interaction
spikes your blood with
[Lucy VO] And your body is
barely under your control.
This used to be the
home of Gamin Publishing,
known for its insistence
on literature as art...
until a year ago,
faced with bankruptcy,
it was forced to
merge with Bexley Books,
an evil empire known for
ghostwritten autobiographies of
brain-damaged sports stars.
Make no mistake: the
Bexleys and Gamins are at war.
You got me
beggin' you for mercy
Why won't you release me?
As for American Psycho over
there playing the copycat game
for no reason but
to piss me off...
yeah, hate him with a passion.
I mean, sure, he's
easy on the eyes,
but don't let that fool you.
As Shakespeare would say:
Sometimes, fair is foul.
Why won't you release me?
You got me begging,
you got me begging
You got me begging
Mercy [Yeah, yeah, yeah]
Why won't you release me?
You got me
begging you for mercy
Why won't you release me?
I said you
better release me
[Yeah, yeah, yeah]
My reasons for hating
Joshua Templeman are several.
One: I have never
seen him smile.
Oh, hi!
You must be Josh.
I hear we'll be
working together.
I got you a plan for your desk.
I said you
better release me...
[Lucy VO] Two: he's
a total control freak.
Just look at his desk.
Begging you for mercy
Just why won't
you release me?
I'm begging you for mercy
You got me begging...
I mean, the guy wears the same
shirts in the same order every
Monday: dove gray.
Tuesday: white.
Wednesday: powder blue.
Thursday: window pane blue.
And Friday: true blue.
Reason number three: he always
corrects any tiny mistake I
Four, and perhaps most
importantly: after the merger,
he waltzed in with a list of
people to fire and it included
all my work friends...
which were all my friends.
So now, I'm trapped
here, day after endless day,
all alone with my
one maniacal nemesis.
You better release me
[Yeah, yeah, yeah]
You got me begging,
begging you for mercy
You got me begging,
begging you for mercy
You got me begging
Begging you for mercy....
[Lucy] Hi, good morning.
Good morning.
Has Bexley seen this?
I emailed it to
Josh, so I'm assuming.
We're adding something
at the top of the agenda.
Okay, do you want
me to adjust it?
No, this is fine.
I'd rather it be a surprise.
[Lucy] On your desk.
[Helen] How do they look?
Eh, lower than projected.
But they are better than Q2.
And I talked to the marketing
team about alternative print
strategies, which I really
think could help moving forward.
And I sent you a memo about a
company-wide team-building event
that I'm planning.
But workers would rather eat
rat skeletons than participate
in group activities.
Agreed, but HR has been
overwhelmed with complaints
since the merger.
Half of which are
about you and Josh.
Don't mind her.
I don't know what
I'd do without you.
Well, you'd be all alone
with Satan and his hell hound.
-See you inside.
[Julie] Lucy!
I am so glad that I caught you.
I was hoping that I can ask
you for, like, a tiny favor?
I need an extension
on the monthly report.
My new puppy ate peanut butter
last night and she's totally
She put the "poo" in "Cockapoo,"
if you know what I mean.
Sure. [sighs]
Of course.
You're the best.
I'll have it Monday,
Wednesday at the latest.
That was pathetic.
Who is Joshua Templeman?
You know, Lucinda, you could
just tell her to do her job,
but no, you have
to be the good guy.
It's a lot better
than being the asshole.
Happy Thanksgiving!
-You're welcome.
You want one?
You remembered my birthday!
Of course!
little birthday turkey.
[Annabelle] Yay!
[Lucy] Happy birthday.
[Danny] You know, I watched
this insane documentary last
Three AM, YouTube rabbit
hole, "History of Baking."
Did you know that
DaVinci invented the blender?
[Carl] I invented pizza plate.
It's a second pizza you put
under your first pizza to catch
the crumbs.
All right, can we
please get started?
Or do you need another
minute to chit-chat?
No, we're good to go.
Oh, your tie's crooked.
[Helen] Okay, thank you all
for being here the day before
I know some of you are
traveling so we'll--
Check this out. [laughs]
[Helen] Richard!
So we'll try to keep this short.
Yes, and Friday after
Thanksgiving will not be a paid
holiday, FYI.
Okay, Richard and I have
an announcement to make:
we're adding a new
position to the team.
Yes, we're going to be hiring
a managing director who will
oversee each department
and he will report to me.
He or she will
report to both of us.
The job is open to external
applicants, naturally, but...
I'd very much like
to hire from within.
Yeah, we will be putting
together an independent panel
since we don't
always see eye-to-eye.
The final candidates will make
their presentations to the board
after the New Year.
May the best man win.
upbeat music
That job is mine, Shortcake.
Oh, your
confidence is compelling,
but you forget one thing.
-Everyone hates you.
Oh, they don't
hate me, they fear me,
which makes me effective.
[laughs] You know,
when I'm your boss,
I will require you to do
everything I say with a smile.
When I'm your boss, I'm gonna
work you so hard that you start
using the office as
your home address.
When I'm your boss, I
will enforce casual Fridays.
Hawaiian shirts mandatory.
When I'm your boss, I'm
implementing a new dress code.
No more looking like an
elementary school librarian.
[sighs] If you get
the job, I'll resign.
-Just like you will if I do.
-I don't quit.
-Then I'll fire you.
Ah, but I'm incapable of
giving you that pleasure.
Aw, it's not the first time
you've said that to a woman,
-is it?
Then we agree: if
one of us gets the job,
the other has to quit.
Fine, agreed.
[Lucy] Oh, hey, Danny.
I come bearing gifts.
-[Danny] Oh, sorry.
for some eye contact.
The new book!
[gasps] That's so
nice of you, thank you.
Designers got
some advanced copies, big deal.
Oh, no.
This is the cover?
Sorry, Bexley made us do it.
The book's about an
archaeologist with autism.
I mean, does he
even read the jackets?
And, uh, this came
for you in the mail,
so I took the liberty to...
0 for two.
Are you ordering your
tiny clothes online again?
Just a box small enough
for your withered heart.
-Bet it's another Smurf.
Another Smurf?
As in multiple Smurfs?
So is this like a Smurf village
that you're putting together?
-Are you doing little, like--
-Okay, just...
Smurf Army Civil
War reenactments?
Oh, she's got the
whole collection.
How adorable.
Will you shut up?
Thank you for the
delivery, Danny.
Yes, Danny, thank you so much.
[Danny] You got it, JT.
catch you
dreamboats on the flip.
-Hit it.
That poor sap thinks
you're flirting with him.
The same way people think
you're flirting with me?
Shortcake, if I was
flirting with you,
you would know it.
I didn't know frat
boys knew how to flirt.
I thought they just
roofied girls' drinks.
curious funky music
Yeah, no, I understand but we're
doing smaller hardcover runs.
No, no, no, same print run,
just distributed differently.
Sure, I will put you
through to accounting.
[Lucy] Richard!
I have a copy of
the new book for you.
[Richard] Ah!
Dr. Josh, you didn't
tell me it was in.
'Stripping Time.'
Cover's all me, you know.
It really grabs ya, right?
Mm, yes, it's-- it's
definitely eye-catching.
[Richard] Yeah.
You got my tee time set
up for tomorrow, Josh?
Good man.
I gotta go work on my stroke.
See you kids in the morning.
All right, goodnight!
[Richard] Out.
It's not 'Stripping Time,'
it's 'Stripping Time!'
This has nothing
to do with strippers.
I swear, that guy's like the
worst version of the worst
version of himself.
Did you seriously just refer
to the cover as "eye-catching?"
Looks like it was designed
by a horny fifth grader.
Not exactly consistent
with the tone of the novel.
Since when do you read
the books we publish?
I was just trying to
fill my Good Reads quota.
Oh, your one book of the year?
You do know comic
books don't count, right?
I fell asleep three
times reading the first page.
Well, it is exhausting to
read above your grade level.
Maybe you're not ready
for chapter books yet.
It was boring.
It was a masterpiece before
Bexley cut 200 pages to make it
more of an airport read.
At least he kept in some of
the landscape descriptions.
Oh, yeah, it was thrilling
reading about the topography of
Fort Ticonderoga.
Whatever, I loved it.
So, big Thanksgiving plans?
You gonna be posting some Smurf
fanfic and eating cranberry
sauce out of a can?
And what about the
Templeman family?
Drinking the blood of a virgin
and then staring at each other
in silence?
Oh, how'd you know?
We're looking for donations.
Oh, hi, Jeanette!
[gasps] Oh, I
love those earrings.
Don't even try.
Four complaints this week, four!
Three about the break
room incident on Monday.
[Lucy] Here we go.
[Josh] Are we
ready for our lesson?
This is a comma,
and this is a period.
When you take a period and--
You better put that doughnut
hole away or I'm gonna shove it
up your semicolon!
[Josh] You'd like that,
wouldn't you, Shrimp?
Mommy and Daddy fight sometimes.
We have discussions.
Like how Mommy constantly
forgets to CC Daddy on
company-wide memos.
Or how Daddy has a cork up
his ass about the format of
quarterly reports.
Mommy and Daddy?
Are you serious?
You two are the
worst part of my job.
Everyone else
has left now
I bet that disc got
you stressed out
Wondering, what
can we do now?
Maybe let it burn out
sparkling on your heart
Now, darling,
won't you stay?
I know it's
getting late now, baby
Maybe you should
stay here with me
Let's just make
it our own party
Stick together like glitter,
glitter, glitter, glitter
[Lucy's mom] There are
literally millions of guys in
this city.
[Lucy] Well, it's not
that easy to find a good one.
[Lucy's mom] What
about that guy from work?
[Lucy] Who, Josh?
[Lucy's mom] Honey, you
talk about him all the time.
[Lucy] I do not.
[Lucy's mom] I just
worry about you all alone.
I know, Mom.
I'm fine.
[Lucy's mom] Well,
we miss you, Sweetie.
Yeah, I do too.
Hey, look, Mom, I gotta go.
I'm walking out the door; I'm
gonna meet the girls for some
But I'll call you
tomorrow, okay?
[Lucy's mom] All right,
love you, Pumpkin.
I love you, too.
[Lucy's mom]
Happy Thanksgiving.
Happy Thanksgiving.
soft sensitive music
Happy Smurfs are all alike.
But Unhappy Smurfs are all
unhappy in their own ways.
Smurfette pondered this as she
watched Grouchy Smurf squash a
strawberry under his shiny boot,
grumbling to himself about
the un-Smurfiness of the world.
I'm gonna work
you so fucking hard.
[heavy breathing and moaning]
Son of a bitch.
I don't need permission
I'm a woman on a mission
I don't care to admit it
I run the
game, get with it
And the
mission is sky-high
and roll out
Baby, I'ma hit
the big time...
Wowzers, what's the occasion?
Psychological warfare.
[Lucy VO] Time to
get into his head.
'Cause I'm a powerful woman,
I always get what I want
So don't you
get in my way now
That's not what I want
'Cause I'm a powerful woman,
I always get what I want...
[Josh] Smooth, Shortcake.
Ugh, shut up.
What is this?
Travel shot glass?
would be a menstrual cup.
My next guess.
These are better
for the environment,
and tampons are dangerous.
You know what?
No, this is none
of your business.
Hot date tonight?
I might.
You are weirder
than normal today.
Pressure of the job
application getting to you?
had some weird
dreams last night.
You had a sex dream.
-Was I in it?
-[Lucy] [scoffs]
Only in your dreams would
you ever be in my dreams.
It was a...little erotic.
I was in bed...
naked, and there was a man...
pressing up against me.
I could feel him...
you know.
I think you're gonna
have to spell it out for me.
[sighs] Well, I guess I just...
feel weird because it
is a guy from work.
Hot date guy?
As a matter of fact...
Am I gonna have to notify HR?
...because of what we did.
We are drowning in remainders!
We have more remainders of that
insipid sports memoir than we do
of Jocelyn's book!
Because we print more because
they actually make money.
Because God forbid we actually
invest in something artistically
You know what your
problem is, Helen?
You think it's below you to give
people what they actually want.
I don't give a shit!
People want a book
on donkey farts,
I'll ride the donkey
all the way to the bank!
This is what I get for selling
my soul to Mephistopheles.
[Richard] Who?!
Read a book, Bexley!
[door slams]
[door slams]
[Richard] Fuck!
when are where is this
supposed date going to happen?
You are very interested.
Why is that?
Well, studies show when a
manager feigns interest in his
employees' personal
lives, it boosts morale.
That, and I think you're lying.
I am meeting him for
drinks at the AC at seven,
and you will never be my boss.
Well, what a coincidence?
I'm going to the AC tonight...
at seven.
I will see you there.
Sorry, I should wear a bell.
Like a cow. [chuckles]
You're not like a cow.
I'm gonna stop talking.
-[Lucy] Wait...
Are you moving offices?
Um, just doing a little
pre-packing, you know?
Organizing my ducks.
[Lucy] What?
No, you're leaving?
Starting my own company.
I cannot believe we are
losing another designer.
Bexley's killing us.
Well, I-- I still
have another week.
Um... [clears throat]
What-- what brings you
to the-- the Dan Cave?
uh, I was wondering...
what you're doing tonight.
Uh, well, uh, couple of guys
are taking me out on the town to
celebrate my old departure.
But tomorrow, I'm
free as a beaver.
-That's not an expression.
Yeah, no, I-- I'm gonna
be swamped this weekend,
and actually, all of next week
and the next week with this--
this thing...
for, uh, cats.
Orphaned rescue cats.
[Lucy] Yes, correct.
It's kind of a big deal and I
don't really know when I'm gonna
be available again, so tonight
is actually the only night I'm
available for, like, a
really long time, so...
All right, I mean,
I'll...switch things around,
you know?
It's for the cats.
Awesome, you are the best.
[Danny] [softly]
You're the best.
The AC, seven o'clock.
I'll see ya there.
See ya there!
curious funky music
I hate Lucy.
Die, Lucy, die?
What the hell?
[door opens]
[Josh] You too.
Have a good weekend.
Were you just at my desk?
Thought I saw a spider.
What were you
really doing at my desk?
Like I said, spider.
[printer whirring]
You know what, Joshua?
You are so--
Superior in every way?
Still going on your date?
Yup, and I should
probably get going.
You know, you should start with
the virtues of the menstrual
Guys love that.
Yeah, I just thought I'd tell
him I'm not wearing any panties.
Do guys like that?
Do you need a ride?
No, I will walk.
But it's pouring.
I wouldn't want your makeup to
smear after you just spent 22
minutes on it in the bathroom.
Has anyone ever told you
that you have stalker-like
Oh, so says the girl
with the serial killer eyes?
Yeah, only when I
imagine strangling you.
[mechanical thud]
Calm down, I'm not
actually gonna strangle you.
What are we doing?
What do you mean?
This schoolyard game
that we play everyday.
You mean the game
where we hate each other?
Do you really hate me?
"Feel Good" by The
Command Sisters
Gimme something that
will make me feel good
[Ooh, ooh]
Gimme something that
will make me feel good
Good, good
Gimme some of that
good, good, good
[man over intercom]
Everything all right in there?
Just bumped the button.
Gimme some of that
[ooh, ah, ah, ooh]
Gimme some of that
good, good [Yeah]
So am I just
taking you home, or...?
I need to go meet Danny still.
What are you talking about?
My date that you
are driving me to.
Well, I-- I thought...
But Danny?
Look, will you just pull over?
We're still a block
away from the bar.
Yeah, I know, I really
wanna get out of the car.
Oh-- [sighs]
Hold on, just...
Hey, just wait a second!
Take my umbrell--!
Thing is, Harris, if this
were an authentic log cabin,
what you have to do is
notch it out up here,
and then probably go with a
classic A-frame for aesthetic
and stability.
I'm so sorry I'm late.
It is biblically
torrential out there.
I look like I tried
to fight off a tsunami.
You look great wet.
I-- I mean you look
really beautiful.
I'm really bad at this.
I'll have a Johnny Black, neat.
Bailey's, rocks.
Rough day?
Strange day.
Oh, 'Stripping Time!'
'Stripping Time,'
you're reading it.
What do you think?
You know, they say "Don't
judge a book by its cover,"
but in this case,
they're both God-awful.
Yeah, I know.
I know!
It's like who wants to read 10
pages about the topography of
-Fort Ticonderoga?
Exactly what I thought!
-It's genuinely really bad.
Um, will you
just...excuse me one second?
[Josh] Hey, you all right?
[Lucy] I'm fine.
What are you doing here?
You left your purse in my car.
[scoffs] Whatever, you win.
The "Get in the Other
Person's Head" game, okay?!
I mean, you somehow Jedi mind
tricked me into kissing you when
I should have just
slapped your smug face.
It's been a really
good day for you.
[Josh] What?
I made a mistake, okay?
And if you wanna
report me to HR or--
[Lucy] What?
That's what
you're worried about?
[laughing] Josh!
A man just called me "beautiful"
and my first thought is to think
that he's messing with me.
I feel like I'm going crazy.
So just please go home.
All right, what can I get you?
[Lucy] Hey.
All right.
Hey, did I just see Josh?
Uh, oh!
Yeah, I-- I left work
with a file that he needed.
But don't worry, he is gone.
Hey, so are you and he, like...
I don't know.
I just can't help but feel
like there's like a vibe there.
-[Danny] You two?
No, no, no.
No vibe.
No vibe there.
[Danny] Cool, cool, cool.
So, like, this is
a real date, then?
I mean, it is, right?
It is definitely real.
So, where are you from?
[Danny] Green
Mountain State, Ethan Allen.
That's right.
Yeah, my parents are
strawberry farmers.
My parents have a
hobby farm, too!
I'm talkin' bees,
goats, chickens,
the whole thing!
Wait, are you serious?
[Danny] I am serious.
How did I not
know this about you?
I don't know.
But we got Karen
and Sharon the sheep,
we got Percy Pig, we
got Bonito the queen bee,
and we got Phillip the goat.
You know about goat parkour?
Goat parkour?
-[Danny] That's correct.
It's the greatest thing
you've ever seen in your life.
So Phillip jumps off of
any surface pulling this,
like, radical move
where he's like,
"Psych, I'm a goat!"
It's the best thing in the
w-- I have to show it to you.
Do you have pictures?
I don't, actually.
-[Danny] Sorry.
-It's okay.
[Danny] Yeah, a third of all
our food actually comes from
bee-pollinated plants.
-[Lucy] Wow!
-Which is-- yeah, it's shocking.
-I didn't know that.
-Really, so...
Okay, so wait, wait, do you
have to wear one of those bee
To me honest, I'm like Macaulay
Culkin in 'My Girl'-level
allergic to bees, so
every time I go home,
I have to carry,
like, an EpiPen.
Oh, that's so
nerdy, I love that.
Says the girl who read 'War
and Peace' in the sixth grade!
No, I said I tried.
And that doesn't
make me a nerd, okay?
That just makes me precocious.
No, see, that's just
nerd talk for bein' a nerd.
[laughs] No, it's not.
Embrace it.
On the
coastline in the water
Your mirage is
like a stalker
I should push him
off the cliffside
'Cause he's coloring
my insides ocean blue
And everywhere I
look, I look at you
It's true
Up in my imagination
I rehearse our
[intercom rings]
[Lucy] Hi, who is it?
[man over intercom]
Delivery for Lucy Hutton.
[Lucy over intercom] Oh, okay.
Come on in.
-Thank you.
-Have a nice day.
[Lucy] You too.
What is happening?
Oh, dear
I keep wishing
you were here
And I swear I'm gonna lose it
if I keep playing your music
But what else
is there to do?
Everywhere I look,
I just see you
[Josh] Lucy?
I'm very sorry.
So sorry you forgot
to shower this morning?
Can we please lay
down our weapons?
Yeah, okay.
Cease fire.
-Packin' some heat?
-[Lucy] Yeah.
come strapped.
Okay, now let's just...
never speak about
it again, okay?
So, how was your date?
It was fine.
Yeah, he actually
sent me flowers,
which I thought was
a very classy move.
Turns out we have
a lot in common.
He's really nice.
Mm, yeah, the allure of the
nice guy: your white whale.
What's wrong with nice?
[Josh] Nothing, if
that's what you want.
Isn't that what
everybody wants?
So it seems.
So, what game
should we play now?
[sighs] I don't know.
How about something where
we don't fight all the time?
Like the "Normal
Colleagues" game.
It would go like this:
Good morning, Josh.
Why, good morning, Lucy.
How was your weekend?
Oh, it was lovely, thank you.
Oh, I'll be working on the
Walker book today if you need
any help.
Oh, my gosh!
That's so cooperative of you!
You're very welcome, Lucy.
Okay, well, I'll
take that as a no.
Lucy, can we talk about
your team-building proposal?
I booked the conference center
and I'm organizing a scavenger
I made these tiny books,
put little clues inside.
I was kind of inspired
by 'Gulliver's Travels' --
you know,
Lilliputian books and--
I'm sorry, do you
have a better idea?
Well, as a matter of fact, I
submitted a proposal of my own.
You did what?
Physical activity, fresh air.
And you come strapped, right?
That sounds like a
lawsuit waiting to happen.
I felt the same way,
but Bexley loved it.
[Richard] Hell yeah, I love it.
Let everyone work out their
issues with guns and ammo like
God the Almighty intended.
We flipped a coin and
we're going with paintball.
I'm sorry, Lucy, I know
how hard you worked on this.
Son of a bitch!
You just couldn't let
me have this, could you?
Could you?!
No problem!
I mean, put down
the books, nerds.
Guns are the new...
Whatever's best for B&G, so...
Um, if you would just
excuse me a minute.
Tinkerbell on the rag?
Bad date.
upbeat funky music
Mack attack, ready for battle.
Carl, don't look so scared.
-Nice muffs.
What was that you were saying
about everybody hating me?
And yet, here I am,
leading a day of team-building.
Well, bully for you.
Luce, cute outfit.
Look, I need a tiny favor.
My boyfriend's niece
is having a rough time:
drugs, illegal stuff,
there's an arson thing.
But her mom thinks an
internship would do her good.
No, I-- I don't think
now's a good time for--
Look, I don't wanna beg,
but I'm totally gonna beg.
You're the only one
that can deal with her.
Just a couple months, okay?
-Thank you so much!
-[Lucy] No--
You know what?
-I'm gonna text her right now.
-You are absolutely the best.
[Julie] Luce, the best.
[sighing] Oh, my God...
Uh, hey, Luce, I've got this
friend and he's looking for a
-new roommate.
-Will you shut up?
You think you'd
wanna move in with him?
Pretty fancy gun you got.
JP Splatmaster 1000.
This puppy goes 200 yards...
no ball chop.
Hey, you wanna be teammates?
Teams are pre-selected.
[Danny] All right.
You know, if
they're pre-selected.
See ya out there.
Oh, sorry.
-[Mack] Nice one, Danny.
Guy's a walking catastrophe.
Okay, easy, Tiger,
it's his last day.
You look pale.
N-- what are you doing?!
You're burnin' up, Shortcake.
I do not know
anyone by that name.
You sure you don't
wanna sit this one out?
Oh, no.
No, I am not going anywhere.
I am gonna be right
here, all up in your grill,
like a Fourth of July picnic.
I am going to annihilate you.
We're on the same team.
[Lucy] Fuck.
exciting rock music
[Josh] All right, listen up!
It's gonna be two
teams, orange versus blue,
capture the flag.
Let's go!
Lucy, move out!
Go, go, go, go, go!
Hey, move!
[Mack] Take down Templeman!
[Josh] Let's go!
[Mack] To the right!
Go, go, go, go!
[Lucy] Watch out!
[Danny] Parkour!
Don't you go dying on me!
[Josh] Hi, Danny.
[Danny] Fall back!
[Mack] Get the
hell out of here!
You guys,
Templeman's in the camper!
[Josh] Ah, shit.
[Danny] Save yourselves!
[Lucy] Come on, orange team!
[Josh] Move!
[Mack] Move up!
Okay, team.
What's the plan?
Wait for my signal.
[Josh] Wait, what?
What's the signal?
Okay, I'll cover you.
Worry about yourself, GI Joe.
The sniper's got us pinned down.
[Annabelle] I got this, Lucy!
[Lucy] What is she doing?!
I didn't signal!
[Annabelle] Here
comes the pain!
You like that?!
Suck my paintballs, bitches!
Lucy, I did it!
Son of a bitch!
Who shoots someone in the back?
[Danny] I knew I should've
gone with the Splatmaster.
[Lucy] Aw, poor Danny.
[Danny] Mother of
dragons, that hurt!
I'm already out!
[Lucy] Sorry.
Was that really necessary?
All's fair in love and war.
I'm gonna make a run for it.
And let you get all the glory?
Hell no, Templeman.
[Josh] Better act
quick, then, Shortcake.
-[Annabelle] Come here!
-[Josh] What are you doing?!
[Annabelle] You
never bring cupcakes!
[Josh] We're on the same team!
Get off!
[Annabelle] Go, Lucy, go!
I'm gonna
regret this moment
Get, fight,
mode, feed, push...
-[Josh] Stay down.
-[Lucy] What are you doing?
Get off me!
Total domination!
-[Lucy] [groans]
-[Josh] You hurt her!
Oh, my God.
Lucy, I'm sorry, I
got carried away.
[Lucy] Stop.
Stop it.
Ugh, get this thing off me.
It's like a million degrees.
Luce, you're sweating.
Oh, my God, is it
internal bleeding?
Is she gonna die?
No, she doesn't have a
fever because you shot her,
you dick.
Are you okay?
[Josh] She's fine.
No, I'm fine,
don't worry-- [vomits]
-Okay, all right.
-Oh, God.
Let's get you up.
Come on, time to go home.
-[Lucy] [groans]
-[Josh] Yeah, paintball's over.
I'm sorry.
[Josh] All right, here you go.
What are you doing here?
I drove you home.
No, I know.
Why are you...
standing in my
apartment right now?
What do you
think I was gonna do,
just open the door and
kick you out of a moving car?
Yeah, okay.
You gonna be sick?
Okay, bathroom, go, go, go, go.
[Lucy] [vomits]
There you go.
-[Lucy] [coughing]
[Lucy] Ugh.
Oh, the humanity.
I can see it there,
hidden in your crystal eyes
That it's hard to trust
something can be sweet
But all I want, I
promise that it's not a lie
Is to be your friend
if ever you're in need
You can count on me
When you're down,
when you're hurt
When you're
down in your worst
You can count on me
You can count on me
When you're
hot and it burns
Just say what
really hurts
You can count on me
[Lucy] Ow.
-[Josh] Still alive in there?
-[Lucy] [mumbling] Yeah.
[Josh] All right, sit up.
Time to take your temp.
Open up, Rambo.
There you go.
You're in my bedroom.
I'm wearing Sleepysaurus.
[Josh] Try not to
talk, Shortcake.
I know that's hard for you.
Here we go.
Ooh, that's not very
nice, Mr. Thermometer.
Are you laughing?
Oh, I must be hallucinating.
Sit tight.
I'll be back.
[Lucy] [mumbling]
No, there's two of you.
[sighs] Josh must have
gotten wet after midnight.
[Patrick] I'm a doctor.
How are you feeling?
Not so good.
She's got a fever of 103.
All right, let's sit you up.
You are really handsome.
[laughs] Thank you.
People always say Josh
is the good-looking one.
Oh, you're his brother.
Oh, you must've wanted to beat
him up so much when you were a
I like her.
Oh, she's very special.
Wait, can you tell me
embarrassing things about him?
You must know all
the best stuff.
Well, um...
He used to dress
up like a dog--
Make our mom walk him
around the block. [laughs]
[laughing] Oh, my God, this
is the best day of my life.
I was a kid, thank you.
He was 12.
[gasp] No!
Oh, Josh, that's too old.
All right, thank you very much
for the house call, Doctor.
Time to go.
Laughter's the
best medicine, right?
[groaning] No...
You did all the right things.
You would've been good at this.
I'm not trying to
be a dick, come on.
I'm just saying, you did good.
you ever gonna RSVP?
It's just that, you know, Mindy
and I need a final head count.
Yeah, yeah, uh...
I've just been slammed at work.
Look, man...
it's awkward, I get it.
But when your brother
gets married, you show up.
Bring a plus one.
[Josh] Oh yeah, right,
'cause that's what we need:
more witnesses to our
absurd family drama.
[Patrick] Keep her fluids up.
Call me if the fever gets worse.
Thank you, Pat.
[Patrick] Thank
you, little brother.
[door opens]
-[Josh] How are we doin'?
I brought you a little water.
N-- I'm not a baby.
You already broke
two glasses earlier,
so better safe than sorry.
There you go.
My mom always gave me
strawberry juice when I was
What did yours do?
Oh, they were always too
busy treating other people.
If you weren't in
cardiac arrest,
your ailment
didn't exactly rank.
Is your whole family doctors?
And surgeons.
Except me.
Has anyone ever told you that
you look like a young Dennis
I think it's time to take
your temp again, Shortcake.
No, stop calling me that.
Oh, not a chance.
Watching you pretend to hate
that nickname is the best part
of my day.
You changed shirts.
You look like an Old Navy model.
My brother brought it for me.
You puked on the
other one, remember?
-Oh, yeah.
Dove gray, white, powder
blue, window pane, true blue.
-[Josh] What's that?
-Your shirts.
Always in the same order.
I guess I am that predictable.
Yeah, you only
surprised me once.
-[Josh] When was that?
-The elevator.
what did you think about that?
Yeah, I thought
it was really hot.
Are we playing the staring game?
It's my favorite.
I like the way you look at me.
[Josh] Get some rest.
Oh, she lives!
Why are you
cleaning my apartment?
Oh, actually, I
didn't clean it.
I demoed the whole thing and
rebuilt it from the ground up
with a team of elves.
Figured it was easier.
Okay, just 'cause I'm not
turned on by the smell of
cleaning supplies--
Weird, that doesn't
sound like "Thank you"--
-[Lucy] No--
-But you're very welcome.
Thank you.
Seriously, thank
you for everything.
But just-- would
you-- stop, stop.
This is weird.
This is way too weird.
Oh, and if you use any
of this against me--
Oh, right, because knowing
the consistency of your vomit's
really gonna give me
a competitive edge.
No, Josh, stop.
No, I get it, it's fine.
My brother left a prescription
for you on the table.
See you at the office.
[Lucy] [sighs]
[Danny] Did you know daisies
are found on every continent
except Antartica-arctica?
Oh, gotta go.
-[clears throat]
-[Lucy] Hi!
What are you doing here?
I got you these.
Always with the flowers.
You're very sweet.
How are you feeling?
Like my body survived a
violent alien abduction.
Fun fact about alien
abductions: not violent.
They get a bad rep 'cause of all
the probe stuff but my personal
feelings are that aliens
are actually people from,
like, a million years from
now just checkin' in on their
I don't know if you've read
Nick Bostrom's 'Simulation
Hypothesis,' but if you build a
quantum computer the size of a
And after you.
If you think about the
exponential rate of computing
power alone from, like,
40 years ago 'til now,
and then you do that from, like,
4,000 years or four million
years, there's basically
no way we're not aliens.
That's-- that's cool.
-[Danny] It's crazy, right?
-[Lucy] Yeah.
[both chuckle]
Hey, so you wanna
get dinner tonight?
I'll-- I'll have to
see how I'm feeling.
[Danny] Hey, JTT!
What's up, dude bro?
You don't work here anymore.
Just checkin' in on my girl.
The old Lucy Goose.
Lucille Ball 'n' Chain.
Lucy in the Sky with Danny.
No vibe, huh?
[Helen] Lucy?
Can you come see me
when you get settled?
Yeah, yeah, just one second.
-Guess that's my cue.
-Yeah, I'll email you.
-[Danny] Okay.
Cool, cool, cool, cool.
Strawberry juice.
You sent the roses.
[phone rings]
Joshua Templeman.
Yes, I'll be right there.
Thank you.
Glad you're feeling better.
I saw you
submitted your application.
I know, it's a long-shot.
Are you kidding me?
I'm counting on you
getting this job.
We can't let Bexley turn
this place into some kind of--
Commercial shit house?
[laughs] I was
gonna say "factory."
But yeah.
Josh submitted his
application too.
I know.
His Harvard MBA
won't hurt his chances.
I have a Master's
in Victorian Lit.
Does that count?
For me, it does.
Not so much for
the money people.
There are a lot of
good candidates, Lucy.
Will you be honest with me?
How much of a shot do I have?
Because I really want this
job and I-- I need to prepare
Don't underestimate yourself.
You already coordinate
every department on my behalf.
You know this company
from the bottom up.
You have fantastic instincts.
I should have promoted
you to editorial years ago.
Why didn't you?
You never asked.
And I rely on you to do the
parts of my job that I hate
doing, which is why you'd
make a great managing director.
I'm trying to say thank you.
No need.
You helped me, okay?
And I owe you a favor.
What can I do for you?
-I will clean your apartment.
I will bake you a cake.
I will-- I will go with you to
your brother's wedding and I
will be your designated driver.
You can get shit-faced drunk
and I will clean up your vomit.
How do you know about that?
Because I overheard you in my
kitchen and I know you need a
plus one.
Are you mad at me?
I'm not mad at
you, I'm just busy.
My God, Lucinda, can I
please get a moment alone?
Not until you say we're even.
What do you mean "even?"
-This is cozy.
Just say that I can
take you to the wedding.
Is that what you want?
No, what I want is
to stop fighting.
I want just a tiny sliver
of peace in my daily life.
[laughs] And to die
very slowly of boredom.
Oh, no, I won't be bored, I'll
have this fantastic new job to
keep me occupied.
You're not getting the job.
slow sexy music
Put your hands on me.
You can put them on yourself.
Kiss me.
Do me a favor?
Go to dinner with
Danny and kiss him.
If it's better than our
elevator kiss, then fine.
-But if it's not--
-What is with you?
I-- I don't wanna be some
experiment before you settle
down with Mr. Right.
And I'm not gonna put my hands
on you again unless you tell me
that nobody
kisses you like I do.
Wow, this view
is-- it's incredible!
This is very romantic.
Well, not just romantic...
Did you know that in
the American Revolution,
the British used to keep
prisoners of war on a boat in
the East River?
And like 12,000 of them died.
And they didn't know
what to do with the bodies,
so they just
dumped them overboard.
I mean, literally
picture that in your mind.
Oh, I am.
So, anyway, how's
business going?
it's going all right.
I've got like four clients and
pitching two more this week.
And, you know, if you
get that promoshe...
Yes, I will
definitely keep you in mind.
I, uh, got something for you.
Danny, that's so thoughtful!
Check this out!
A business card!
For all your
graphic design needs.
Thank you.
Designed it myself.
Hey, have you ever
thought about kissing me?
Only every day since you
spilled coffee on my lap in my
first staff meeting.
The memory of
you lives...
-Wow, wow.
All from one
glimmer of your smile
I've given love a chance
Dreamt of a true romance
But nothing compares
to being with you
[Josh] Do you think he's home?
What, are you
stalking me, Shortcake?
Yeah, just went through
your garbage, actually.
-[Josh] Really?
Find anything interesting?
You know, the usual
stuff: food scraps,
stiff Kleenex, adult diapers.
You should always laugh.
You should always be funny.
So, how was your date?
Did he roll the last meatball
over to you with his nose?
-Did you kiss him?
-[Lucy] Yeah.
[Josh] And?
And... not going to
date him anymore.
Because nobody
kisses me like you do.
uplifting music
Oh, my God.
That sound you just made.
Hey, are you gonna
invite me inside?
I mean, it's only fair.
I showed you mine.
I really like it.
I halfway expected you
to live underground,
near the Earth's core.
You wanna snoop?
You wanna snoop.
I snooped at your place.
Yeah, that's 'cause my
place is like a flea market
compared to this.
Where's all your junk?
I like a clean space.
I...kinda thought
once you got me up here,
you were gonna ravish me.
I'm making you a tea instead.
How about something stronger?
I like your
matchbox car collection.
It's like you were
an actual child once.
you don't have a
single Bexley book here.
Oh, my God, you are a Gamin.
[laughs] I'm not a Gamin,
I just prefer Gamin books.
You are such a Gamin. [laughs]
Oh, you really like
to read about dicks.
Well, knowledge is power.
No, actually, I went to
medical school for a year.
Oh, my God, that's why
Bexley calls you "Dr. Josh."
To remind me of my failure
to live up to my potential.
You know...
if you were a doctor, all of
your lady patients would have
astronomical heart rates.
Well, let's test
that theory, huh?
Imagine I'm sliding a
stethoscope inside your shirt.
Giving me a new kink.
Pounding heart,
raging case of horny.
I-- I think your
condition may be serious.
Will I die?
A few days in
bed should cure it.
[gasps] Oh, my gosh, I
wanna see your bedroom.
Oh, I love the color.
It's Benjamin
Moore Calypso Green.
-Very specific.
-[Josh] [chuckles]
[both laugh]
The copycat game.
Truth or dare.
Aw, I was kinda
hoping you'd say "Dare."
I'm sorry to disappoint.
Why did you quit med school?
After two semesters, my dad
though it'd be a good idea for
me to spend a day in
the coroner's wing.
Five minutes in...
I puked inside a
dead guy's stomach.
Oh, my God, I would
still be having nightmares.
Okay, so what's
this muscle called?
[Josh] Brachioradialis.
[Lucy] Mm.
And this?
[Josh] Anterior deltoid.
[Lucy] [whispering]
What about this one?
Oh, yeah, I knew that.
-Oh, but what about this one?
-[Josh] Oh!
sexy electronic music
You taste like candy.
Oh, my God, please remind me to
write a thank you note to your
personal trainer.
[Josh] [laughs]
I do spend a lot
of time in the gym.
Being forced to look at you for
eight hours a day leaves me with
a lot of excess
energy I have to work off.
Well, I...
can help you burn some calories.
-Oh, really?
How would you do that?
Well, I'm thinking we
should play a very special game.
It's called "Who Can
Make the Other Come First?"
-Seriously, Josh.
I just think we should have
sex and just get it out of our
And then, we can go back to
normal without all this...
crazy sexual tension.
All right, Shortcake.
I think it's getting late.
Wh-- but I just offered you sex.
And, like, very
enthusiastic sex.
And I appreciate it.
Maybe some other time.
Maybe some other time?
That's what you say when
you turn down a muffin,
not sex.
Is this about the job?
Yeah, it probably is unwise
to sleep with the competition.
Right, get me to beg for sex
and then kick me out of your
Nice move, Templeman.
-You were begging?
-That's not funny.
Are you toying with me?
I think you're the one
playing games here, Luce.
All right, well,
whatever this is,
I don't wanna do it anymore.
[door slams]
All night
walking in circles
Tucked into shackles
All night
walking without you
Tucked in and ah...
[Josh] Morning.
How'd you sleep?
Not great.
-[Josh] Period?
-[Lucy] What?
I just...
No, thanks.
I already ate.
[Richard] This kid is
king, I'm telling you.
There you are.
I've been looking
all over for you.
I'd like you to meet
my good friend Simon.
Simon Mitchell.
From Harper Collins.
Josh is a Harvard
man too, you know.
Ah, a few decades after me,
but the crimson runs deep,
-am I right?
Roll tide!
That's Alabama.
Simon knows half the
hiring panel personally.
I'm sure that he'd be willing
to write you one hell of a
I'd appreciate that.
[Simon] Let's talk
about it over lunch.
[Josh] I'll clear my schedule.
Oh, hey, this is Lucy Hinton.
No, it's Hutton.
You sure?
Uh, yeah.
Yeah, so I thought maybe you
could write me a recommendation.
Yes, it was 10 years ago.
Oh, you know the
color-coded filing system?
I did that. [laughs]
No, of course it's digital now.
Sure, okay, well, if you
can remember anything at all,
Okay, thank you.
[sighs] So I really need
to nail this presentation.
I'm thinking I can
probably pay you...
$300 for the graphics?
I know that that's not much.
I'll consider it an investment
in the future of our working
Hey, so...
just to be totally clear,
there's no chance for anything
else, right?
Say no more.
Your loss.
I'm a world-class cuddler.
[laughs] I believe that.
So, uh...
you and Dude Man,
what's-his-bucket, Josh?
Still mortal enemies.
I mean, don't take
this the wrong way,
I just figured
y'all would be, like,
knockin' boots at this point.
Nope, pistols
and swords at dawn.
Given the choice, I go
pistol 100 percent of the time.
Significantly more effective.
Pour fter l'hiver
La neige est tombe
Blanche, immacule
Sur notre maison
Et tous runis
Autour du grand feu
On attend minuit
Pour chanter joyeux...
Par-dessus les valles
Et par-dessus
les monts...
Yo ho ho.
Who let you in the building?
Oh, I scaled the wall using
my elite Navy SEAL training.
The neighbor let me in.
What are you doing here?
Picking you up.
For my brother's wedding?
Yeah, not likely, Templeman.
Look, I'm sorry
about the other night.
You caught me off-guard.
This thing is
just too complicated.
All right?
We-- we are
competing for the same job.
And we've turned mutual
sabotage into an art,
so it is impossible
to trust each other.
Also, you're like the
man version of Icy Hot.
Are you cold?
Are you warm?
Is this tingling sensation nice
or is it deeply uncomfortable?
Tingling sensation.
Okay, you know what I mean.
Look, I can't go
to this thing alone,
and they're expecting
you to come with me.
And don't forget:
you still owe me.
I'll be in the car.
Okay, fine.
Ding dong!
Okay, so what do I need
to know about your family?
My mom's great.
She'll love you and tell you
that she wants to keep you
My dad is, uh...
Last time I was
home, we had a fight.
What about?
A lot of things.
My leaving med school
-- he won't let that go.
And my girlfriend had just
broken up with me and he and my
brother were just
being assholes about it.
It's so hard to imagine
you with a girlfriend.
I always pictured
you as a swipe right,
"Let's not put a label
on it, babe" kinda guy.
Well, sometimes you're wrong.
[Lucy] It's gonna snow.
[Josh] How do you know that?
Because it's a thing.
I can smell weather.
Well, that would make
you the lamest X-Man ever.
-[Lucy] Whoa, hi!
-How can I help you?
Joshua Templeman.
I've got two rooms.
-With a T?
Two Ts?
Just the one.
-Sorry, just sent an email.
-Okay, and...
-I am so sorry.
I, um-- I only have one room.
Now, Jaf?
My friends call me "Jaf" and...
-we're not there yet.
Jaffrey, I really
need two rooms.
Can you please help me out?
[laughs] Sorry.
I mean, I need my
mom to move out but...
But I got two weddings
this weekend, right?
I know, we're in one of them.
Oh-- oh, you're the couple?
Oh, congratulations!
Oh, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, it's, uh--
it's my brother's wedding,
we're just here for it.
Oh, well, I wish I
could help you out,
but think about where
I'm coming from on this.
I've got a lot of people here.
[Lucy] Okay, just
stop, stop, stop.
-It's fine.
-It's not fine.
It's not worth ruining his
day when he clearly can't do
anything about it.
Jaffrey, thank you so much.
We will take the one room.
Thank you so much.
She's absolutely right; it
is not worth ruining my day.
Great, um, so you
are gonna be in room,
uh, 216 and, um, no keys.
Everything's unlocked.
Oh, boy.
-It's not bad.
You will sleep there.
Shoulda made you stay
with Jaf and his mom.
Okay, we've got a half an
hour until the rehearsal dinner.
You want the first shower?
Great. [sighs]
[shower running]
[door opens]
Took you long enough.
Oh, I was shaving my legs.
I like red.
So do I.
I've been trying to keep
myself back in my body
I tell you sorry
This does not mean we're okay.
But it's half-hearted
I'm fine until
the morning
Little bit in love...
[Lucy] Come here.
-No, I wanna feel your weight.
-No, I'll crush you.
Well, I have lived
a really good life.
You sure you're okay with this?
Oh, yeah.
Let's do it.
[laughs] You
should write sonnets.
[moaning and heavy breathing]
And I remember
why I'm so in it
I forget all of our flaws
I just want you close...
[both laugh]
Oh, shit!
We are seriously
late for dinner.
Just-- just stay here!
What will your parents think?
Oh, hi, Mr. and Mrs. Templeman.
I'm so sorry that we missed
your son's rehearsal dinner.
We were too busy giving
each other multiple orgasms.
I promise you, nobody will care.
I'll just text them that we
hit traffic and we'll see them
tomorrow at the wedding.
Yeah, but what if they
know we already checked in?
Why do you care so much
what my parents think?
Well, it's people-pleasing
101: they are people,
thus I want to please them.
But why?
Well, I already explained
the totality of that logic.
Also, why don't you
care what people think?
I learned a long time ago that
it's impossible to make people
like you.
I guess you're right, it's not
like I'm ever gonna see them
God, what are you thinking?
I just wanna juice
your head like a lemon.
There's no need for
violence, Little One.
What do you wanna know?
Okay, the other day...
when you caught me
snooping at your desk...
uh, I saw your planner.
Questionable ethics, Shortcake.
Yeah, okay, I know.
But there was some red
marks in the margin.
Ds, Ss, some Xs.
What are those?
-Tell me!
-No... [laughs]
[Lucy] Tell me, tell me,
tell me, tell me, tell me.
D is for "dress."
P is for "pants," S is for
"skirt," and I make a mark when
we have a fight and X
when I wanna kiss you.
-You're like an OCD stalker.
Your turn.
My turn what?
You gotta tell me something
I don't know about you.
When I wore that little black
dress to work the other day...
I lied about
having a date at the AC.
I asked Danny out
later that day.
You were all smug and
skeptical and I had just...
had this super hot
sex dream about you.
I knew it!
[both laugh]
Yeah, and then you said you
were going to the bar and I
didn't want you to think I was a
loser just...sitting there all
You wouldn't have been alone.
You would've been with me.
gentle romantic music
Did he make his
side of the bed?
What a freak.
[Josh] Very nice.
Your tie's crooked.
No, I'm not
falling for that again.
[laughs] Come here.
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.
There you go.
No attempt at strangulation.
Wow, you are really
developing as a person.
Yeah, well, I need you alive
for all the things I'm gonna do
-to you later.
You look gorgeous in this dress.
Thank you.
It matches your eyes.
Excuse me.
-Oh, hi, Mom.
-You made it!
-[Josh] Oh...
-Honey... [laughs]
Mom, this is Lucy.
Oh, it is so nice to
meet you, Dr. Templeman.
Oh, Elaine, please.
I'm so glad to finally meet you.
You too.
She is just adorable!
I'm gonna keep you forever.
[both laugh]
[snorts] Shall we?
-You just snorted.
-Yeah, I did.
[both laugh]
delicate string music
Wasn't sure you
were gonna make it.
Anthony, this is
Josh's friend, Lucy.
Good afternoon.
Oh, friendly.
Aww, cute.
Wow, she is stunning.
-[Josh] Mm.
-[Lucy] Nice work, Patrick.
[cork pops]
You're so sweet
Good enough to eat...
Oh, my God.
Patrick's family is
driving me crazy. [laughs]
And these heels are like a
Medieval torture device.
You wouldn't happen to
have a joint, would you?
Oh, I wish.
Rat poison?
I'll take anything.
[sighs] Sadly, I am
fresh out of rat poison.
But congratulations.
Thank you.
You're Lucy, right?
[Lucy] Yes.
I've been dying to meet you.
Patrick says you're the
reason Josh came today.
Oh, no, I'm sure
that's not true.
Oh, I'm sure it is. [laughs]
It really did work out for
the best in the end, didn't it?
I mean, Josh and I
were never good together.
I'm sorry, you
were-- you were with Josh?
Oh, my God, how
did he not tell you?
It really wasn't
anything serious.
The entire year
we were together,
I don't think we
ever really connected.
You were together a year?
Like, a calendar year?
Like, a full 12 months?
And then, you and Patrick...
Were a much better fit in,
like, every way. [laughs]
I mean, it was a little
bit awkward at first, but...
Um, I'm sorry.
I should really go say
inappropriate things to my other
guests now.
No, no, it's-- it's,
um-- it's fine. [laughs]
[clears throat]
Well, that nose of
yours was right on.
I told you it was a thing.
Lucy, I hope--
Is she the reason
you brought me here?
No, Lucy, it had
nothing to do with her.
But why didn't you tell me?
[Josh] I don't know.
-I was embarrassed.
-[Lucy] Why?
Hey, you did nothing wrong.
They are the ones that
should be embarrassed.
You know, the
weekend that I got my MBA,
my dad took Patrick
fishing with two other surgeons.
He said that I wasn't
invited because I would've felt
Patrick has always
been the golden child,
and so when Mindy
left me for him,
it just...
So today must really
suck for you, huh?
Well, it could be worse.
I could be here alone.
this situation most
definitely calls for some booze,
-so let's go.
-[Elaine] I know, just--
-[Anthony] No.
-[Elaine] Yes!
-[Anthony] No!
-[Elaine] Yes.
-[Anthony] Darling...
[Elaine] Just in
case you need it.
You are the absolute worst.
[Elaine] Ah!
Where have you two been?
Outside getting some fresh air.
Lucy, when you
first met Josh...
what'd you think?
Ah. [chuckles]
Well, I thought he
was very good-looking,
cold, domineering,
and freakishly uptight.
Oh. [laughs]
I thought that you had to
have ambition to be domineering.
[Anthony] I'm kidding.
And I thought
Lucy was very smart,
but she was also a
spineless kiss-ass.
Yeah, it was
hate at first sight.
[clinking on glass]
-[Elaine] Oh.
That's your cue.
-That's my cue.
Elaine wrote down
a few ideas but...
I think I'll wing it.
I always expected a
great deal from my son,
and he's never disappointed me.
Excelled in med school and he's
become a very fine physician.
It's been a privilege to watch
him grow into the man he is
today, hm?
A son a father can be proud of.
But [clears throat] of all the
good decisions that Patrick has
made, marrying Mindy
is definitely his best.
Welcome to the family.
-Hear, hear!
-[guests] Cheers!
smooth jazzy music
[Jaffrey] It's for Christmas.
The tree?
Oh, you don't say.
I brought it in from outside.
It looks like it
grew in here but...
that tree grew outside.
[Lucy] Elaine!
-[Lucy] Hi!
[Elaine] Have you seen Josh?
I think he went to
go find an Aspirin.
He said he had a
bit of a headache.
Anthony probably should have
gone with my prepared remarks.
[Elaine] I'm glad you're here.
Josh has been talking
about you for months.
[Lucy] Oh, God.
I cannot even imagine
what he's told you.
I swear I am not that bad.
He told me that you
drive him crazy...
and that you
challenge him and that...
you're as
strong-willed as he is.
You know, I thought when Mindy
left him and he took that job at
B&G that he had hit
rock bottom but...
now, I think it might be the
best thing that ever happened to
And for what it's worth, I've
never seen him look at anyone
the way he looks at you.
There's my
beautiful groom, aww.
Have you already lost your wife?
[laughs] No, not yet.
She's hiding in the
kitchen, eating in peace.
[Elaine] Mm.
Mom, you may need to head
back into the reception room.
I think Dad's maybe
had one too many.
Once more, unto the breach.
If you ask me,
it's a Goddamn waste.
MBA from Harvard and you spend
your days running errands and
licking stamps so you can
flirt with some little intern.
Maybe you should take a walk.
"I don't want to be a doctor."
At least do
something marginally noble.
-[Elaine] Anthony...
-[Anthony] Join the Peace Corps.
Go build wells in Nigeria.
You don't think that
publishing is noble?
Contributing to culture?
I-- I don't think that he's
making books, Sweetheart.
I think he's making coffee for
somebody who's making books.
And by the way, it's
none of your business.
Don't speak to her that way.
Okay, well since you
know nothing about your son,
I'll just-- I'll-- I'll
fill you in real quick.
Josh is the person that our
sales and finance divisions
report to.
They are scared shitless of him.
I have seen grown men run around
like ants triple-checking their
numbers because Josh
always finds their mistakes.
Lucy, you don't have to.
It's fine.
I'm sorry, I know I'm making a
really big scene and I'm sorry.
I-- I like all of you. [laughs]
Um, except you.
But I-- I can't listen to this.
Oh, and for the
record, Josh's boss,
who is CEO in title only, is a
sleazy toad who can barely tie
his own shoelaces.
Josh runs that place.
Actually, we both do.
And the only reason that B&G
didn't completely implode after
the merger is because Josh
oversaw a reduction of the
workforce by 35
percent, and because of him,
200 people kept their jobs.
And so he's not a doctor.
Who the fuck cares?
He's smart.
Your son is tough and he has
made me a lot better at my job
by having to compete with him.
Don't get me wrong, he
drives me absolutely insane,
which is apparently hereditary.
But your son is amazing.
And the fact that
you can't see that,
that is a goddamn shame.
In conclusion, uh,
congratulations to the bride and
Just amazing.
Um, let's go home.
Anthony, sir, it's
been a real treat.
Elaine, it was
lovely meeting you.
[whispering] I'll call you.
So, what now?
-Naked time?
-[Josh] [laughs]
After naked time?
Lucy, I've had a
lot of women...
I seriously hope there's
an end to that sentence.
I've had a lot of women tell me
that I'm-- I'm not the kind of
guy you settle down with.
I'm the one-night-stand.
And you think
that's what I'm doing?
I hope not.
I don't understand you.
I seriously
thought you hated me.
Never, not for one second.
And I can prove it to you.
All right, you
have to come in here.
And I'm gonna need to take this.
I thought you
weren't feeling naked time.
You're kinda giving me
mixed signals here, Templeman.
[laughs] We're not
going to the bed.
You have to stand...right here.
-[laughs] Okay.
tell me what you see.
Um, well...
my hair's a little scraggly
and my lipstick's faded.
-You're perfect.
Guess again.
[sighs] Oh!
My dress!
Like a tree frog.
What exactly does that prove?
Your dress isn't the only
thing that matches your eyes.
Oh, my God.
Wait, did you--
How about this?
Let's play a different game.
The "Starting Over" game.
I'm Joshua
Templeman, nice to meet you.
Hi. [laughs]
I'm Lucy Hutton.
I'm from Charlotte, Vermont,
where they grow strawberries.
And because of that, I'm
gonna call you "Shortcake."
It'll be a dead
giveaway that I love you.
You're freaking out.
-[Josh] Don't freak out.
-No, I just...
I just...
I-- I am not-- I am
not prepared for this.
What do you mean?
After New Year's, one of
us is gonna be out of a job.
Any relationship we tried, it
would be over before it started.
Well, maybe not.
Maybe nobody has to quit.
No, this would never work.
You know that, okay?
We would kill each other.
[Josh] [laughs]
Luce, I know you.
I know that you blot your
lips twice before you throw your
tissue away.
I know that your voice drops
an octave when you get upset.
I know you chew your lower lip
when you're doing something you
don't wanna do.
And I know that
you're scared right now.
But you don't have to be.
I'm in this.
And you can trust that.
Sun in my eyes,
navy blue skies
You are the
reason I can survive
I had a nightmare
But now that
I'm not scared
This is how
you fall in love
Let go and
I'll hold you up
So pull me tight
and close your eyes
Oh, my love, side to side
[Ooh] Oh, my
love, side to side
[Ooh] Oh, my
love, side to side
This is how
you fall in love
[Richard] It's a dangerous
time for men these days, Josh.
If we don't stick together,
manic pixie twits like Lucy
Hutton, they're gonna be running
this country on lipstick and
I can tell you I didn't start
this company to have my balls
crushed by some
nitwit in a push-up bra.
Do you hear me?
Loud and clear.
I have a vision
for this company,
and I'm counting on
you to make it happen.
So, do you have a strategy?
-Do you have a plan?
-I do.
It's already underway.
I told her she'd back off if
you let her think that she could
pet the pony. [laughs]
I'm glad you took my advice.
Is there anything else I can do
to help you cinch this thing?
No, no, no, I-- I don't
need any help beating her.
[Richard] All right,
I'm sure you don't.
Get on it, then.
Hey, are you free?
I'm heading to the
coffeeshop right now.
[Danny] So he's
sexually gaslighting you?
That is diabolical.
I guess it makes sense; you're
not gonna work as hard if you're
crushing on him.
I wonder what it's like to be
a dude who uses his raw animal
magnetism as a weapon.
Yeah, but it's
one thing to flirt.
It's a whole other thing to
pretend like you have actual
I just-- I feel
like such an idiot.
Are you sure it's okay that
we're talking about all this?
I mean, I'm basically the
mayor of the Friendzone,
so I'm hip, safe
space, carry on.
I just cannot believe I let
myself get played like this.
I mean, he seemed so sincere.
Well, fear not,
my sweet friend.
You are going to
nail that interview,
get the job, and then order will
be restored to the universe.
Well, justice demands that
Josh live a long life alone,
sucking on Bexley's nasty nuts.
-[Lucy] So...
-Oh, hey, Josh.
-What are you doing here?
I was looking for you.
Thought I'd join
you for a coffee.
I don't like you enough
to get a coffee with you.
My mistake.
[whispering] Solid burn.
Do we have confirmation that
the London Review is featuring
'Stripping Time?'
CC'd you on the email.
No, I'm looking at my inbox and
it's not here, you sociopath.
Well, then you're either
blind or just lying, as usual.
I don't lie.
You lie all the time.
You just don't see it as lying
because you tell people what
they wanna hear.
Name one time I've done that.
You told me you
weren't interested in Danny.
That is amazing.
You are actually gonna play
this thing all the way through,
aren't you?
And see, that's
what I don't get.
Throw me off my game, fine.
Flirt with me, mess
with my head, whatever.
But why would you want to keep
me from dating someone else?
Danny is nice!
And I'm not.
I thought you were...
somewhere under the
layers of psychological damage.
But it turns out you would just
do whatever it takes to win and
make your daddy proud.
And you know what?
I am so glad that I threw up all
over you 'cause I am this close
to doing it again!
What is wrong with you?!
[whispering] I
heard you with Bexley!
And I bet if he knew you'd had
a hand all the way up my skirt,
he'd throw a
parade in your honor!
-That's not--
-Hey, Josh, Josh, Josh, Josh!
I'm gonna need those projections
on my desk by Friday.
I don't have the time.
Lucy can do it.
[Richard] Hutton!
Care to grow some hair
on your nuts and step up?
You know,
Richard, I would love to,
but I doubt a nitwit in a
push-up bra would be much help
to you.
Josh, projections,
on my desk Friday.
There is no way in hell I am
letting you and Bexley destroy
this place.
I see color
Raining down
Feral feeling
Swaying sound
But I don't know
What you want
I am open
I am restless
Let me feel it out
Let it all come out
Wake me up
I'm fever dreaming
And now I lose control
I'm fever dreaming
Shake it out
It's just what
I'm feeling...
[Helen] Lucy?
You have a call at two with TLS,
unless you want me to take it.
I know the catalogue.
It's all yours.
Wait, do you
know where Josh is?
I haven't seen
him since yesterday.
That's weird, right?
The week of the presentation?
He's-- he's up to something.
I wouldn't put it past him.
You ready for this?
Hell yes.
I will bring my A game.
That's what I like to hear.
And the star-lit sky
Grew before my eyes
22 women stood by
the banks and cried
Oh, I
Wake me up...
Go get 'em, Tiger!
[Julie] Lucy!
This is my boyfriend's niece,
Daisy -- the one I told you
about for the internship.
This is Daisy?
Like the flower.
Absolutely not.
No, but you said that--
I got steamrolled
and you know it.
I'm sorry, you seem
like a lovely girl,
but you actually couldn't
have picked a worse time.
And you still haven't
turned in your monthly report.
Oh, yes, I wanted to
talk to you about that--
[Lucy] No, don't
worry about it.
I already talked to
Alan, I got the numbers,
and I did the
report myself...again.
[sighs] You're such an angel.
No, I'm not an angel.
I'm a patsy and I am done.
It's a migraine or
a sprained wrist.
I mean, three months ago, you
couldn't turn in the report
because a bird flew in your face
coming off the subway and you
were too
distraught to concentrate.
It was a big bird...
And while I sympathize
with your various plights--
You don't sound sympathetic.
She doesn't sound sympathetic.
I'm gonna have to
ask you to do your job.
I'm disappointed in you.
[Josh] Impressive.
[Lucy] Thank you.
Not that I...need
your validation.
[woman] Thank you for coming.
Lucy Hutton?
You're up next.
Okay. [sighs]
One thing...
If you get this job, are you
actually gonna let Bexley gut
the literary department?
It's his business.
He can do what he wants with it.
That's all I needed to know.
This is the first chapter of
a new book from best-selling
author Emily Powery.
I propose creating a cross-media
platform so that people can
download e-books or audiobooks
and then have conversations with
other readers and the writer.
How would that work?
Well, once you
finished a chapter,
you are then directed to a
community group to discuss the
And the writer is
part of that community.
They publish a
chapter at a time,
like the old 19th
century serials,
and then join the conversation
with the readers before they
write the next chapter.
If you turn to section two of
the document in front of you,
you will see the
budget that I'm proposing.
[exhales deeply]
They seriously grilled
me on the numbers but...
I think I held my own.
I'm sure you blew them away.
And I have to say,
whether or not I get this job,
this whole thing, it...
it did kinda wake me up.
Well, here's a
little something.
Oh, my God.
A Peacock edition?
Oh, it's beautiful.
Mr. Darcy was such a
great romantic hero:
inscrutable, misunderstood.
I don't know.
I think she might be
setting up a false expectation.
guy's just an asshole.
[Helen] [laughs] That has
certainly been my experience.
And it's gonna look
nice in your library.
It's a great promotion for you.
[Josh] Thank you.
We were just about
to come find you.
You earned it.
we've all had a big
decision to make today.
I think it goes without saying
that this merger has been a
little bumpy, but I think that
B&G is positioned now to become
a major literary powerhouse.
I know first-hand that no one is
more savvy or tenacious than its
new managing director...
Lucy Hutton.
-Congratulations, Lucy.
[cheers and applause]
[Carl] Way to go, Luce.
[Lucy] What?
Wait, but she just said that--
I took a job as acquisitions
editor at Harper Collins last
Son of a bitch.
So when you said you
didn't need help beating me--
It's because I had
decided to resign.
Why didn't you tell me?
[Helen] That would be my fault.
I begged him not
to say anything.
I am sorry, Lucy.
Just fighting with Josh
lit such a fire under you,
I knew if you kept that drive,
you'd beat everyone else and get
the job.
[Annabelle] She would've
kicked your ass too, Josh!
[Josh] Fair enough.
Luce, you are the heart and
soul of this place and everybody
knows it.
Just what the company
needs: more heart and soul.
shut up.
In fact, always just
keep your mouth shut,
as a general rule.
[Richard] Hey...
You're fired!
Already quit, jackass.
[woman] Oh, shit...
[Lucy] [sighs]
You know what I just realized?
What's that?
You are the nice guy.
You take that back.
[cheers and applause]
upbeat music
Where are you off to?
Weekend at the Cape.
See you on Monday!
Or Thursday.
No, no, no, we have a
contract with O'Brien,
so if he wants to
switch publishers,
you're gonna have
to buy him out.
Will you hold on a second?
This has a year's worth of
sexual harassment claims against
Richard Bexley.
Give it to the board?
That is due Wednesday.
[Lucy VO] So, it turns out love
and hate aren't as similar as I
Son of a bitch!
Yeah, well, our legal
team would beg differ.
[Lucy VO] Sure, they both get
your blood pumping and make you
want to do crazy things
to someone else's body.
Shove it up your semicolon!
No, no, no, no.
Think 30 percent higher.
[Lucy VO] But when
you love someone,
and I mean really love
someone, even when you fight,
you're still on the same team.
Look, if you wanna
poach one of our writers,
you're gonna take a
bath while doing it.
You know, I think I'm gonna
need a few more details on that
particular proposal.
You should know that I never
mix business with pleasure.
How was your day?
Well, there's this
new exec over at B&G.
She's being a real hard-ass.
Ugh, bitch.
Oh, there's this snake at
Harper Collins who's trying to
steal one of our best writers.
Aww, Shortcake.
You want me to
beat him up for you?
I don't want you
fighting anyone but me.
I never had this
rush in my body
I never thought I'd
feel something new
I never felt this
close with somebody
somebody but you
Something 'bout you
and the way we fit
Like the stars in the night,
heat of you on my skin
Hadn't known you for
long, but it felt like years
From the second we met, I
knew things would change
Everything would change
Everything would change
Don't remember the
words, I know how I felt
Is this trouble again?
I never felt like
this with somebody
I never thought
I'd feel like I do
I never felt this
close with somebody
somebody but you
I never had this
rush in my body
I never thought I'd
feel something new
I never felt this close
with somebody [somebody]
somebody but you
I never felt like
this with somebody
I never thought I'd
feel something new
I want somebody like you
I want somebody like you
I never felt this close
with somebody [somebody]
somebody but you
They ask me all the time
if you could be the one
To make me fall in love or
if I just don't get no hate
That thought
don't cross my mind
Yeah, we've
been having fun
Making out just because
When people talk, I
get no hate [Ooh]
Always bring guarantees
that you'll be there for me
When I need you
'cause I want you [Ooh]
Hold me down, show me love,
make me proud, take a bow
Baby, we can
make it if we
Only worry 'bout the right
things, 'bout the right things
We'll be all right,
we'll be all right, yeah
All we got is this,
that's all we need
And we'll be
okay as long as we
Just stay 100,
honey [Hey]
Just stay 100,
honey [Just stay]
Just stay 100,
honey [Hey]
Just keep it real with me and
I'll be real with you [Ooh]
I'll be real
with you [Ooh]
As long as you stay
Just stay 100,
honey [Hey]
Just stay 100,
honey [Hey]
Just stay 100,
honey [Hey]
Just keep it real with me and
I'll be real with you [Ooh]
I'll be real
with you [Ooh]
We break up all the time,
then we get back again
Some days are better then
Who knows, we
might not get no hate
Lucky I know you're mine
I'm yours until the end
Let's just move
all our friends
When people talk, I
get no hate [Ooh]
Keep it right,
keep your word
Even though
truth can hurt
We prefer that to
lies and [Ooh]
Know me well,
hold me tight
When it's dark,
show me light
Baby, we can
make it if we
Only worry 'bout the right
things, 'bout the right things
We'll be all right,
we'll be all right, yeah
All we got is this
[All we got is this]
That's all we need
[That's all we need]
And we'll be
okay as long as we
Just stay 100,
honey [Hey]
Just stay 100,
honey [Just stay]
Just stay 100,
honey [Hey]
Just keep it real with me, and
I'll be real with you [Ooh]
I'll be real
with you [Ooh]