The Heyday of the Insensitive Bastards (2017) Movie Script

Narrator: This is the closest I can
come to saying what I have learned
there's no shortage of
consequence in my life
we need to leave some evidence,
a little of us everywhere.
I spent all my time staring in
one direction
and I missed it
the most important moments
were in the edges
there were seven of them.
Karl: Over there
turn around!
Sheriff Mallon: Conrad?
You are going to have to drive
Conrad: You know, you are
really bleeding
get in the car, come on!
Mallon: Hit a deer on the way
clipped her really
she went flying headfirst into a
was not breathing so I took
the defibrillator over to her
next thing I know she is wide
and she kicks me in the
Conrad: You are bleeding pretty
you sure you do not want me to
take you to a hospital?
Mallon: No, no. I have taken some percodan.
I can hardly feel any of this.
Conrad: There is a lot of blood.
Mallon: You - you got your own
Mallon: Mother being found
after all these years
hell-i hope we have enough
so you can ID her
Conrad: All I need are the teeth.
Mallon: Yeah we should have
cleared out the freezer
and put her parts in there
everyone from the station
got to take some venison home
Conrad: Guess you folks do not
get a lot of crime up here huh?
Mallon: No sir. Especially
Not til we found this body did
we think that he-
literally killed her
speaking of your father-
your aunt thinks you may
have been talking with him?
Conrad: I have not seen my
father since I left the farm.
Mallon: Seen is a tricky word.
No contact at all?
Conrad: No.
Mallon: If you have been talking to
him, and you do not tell us about it
that could be considered
accessory after the fact.
Mallon: Abigail, this is Conrad
do not worry about it,
it is just a cut
Abigail: It is terrible.
Mallon: You are making a
mountain out of a mole hill.
Conrad: I told him to go.
Mallon: Jesus, oh god. It is Ok, I am Ok.
Do not help me, I do not want help
Abigail: We got to get him
patched up
Abigail: Do you mind staying
here to hold down the fort?
It is just the two of us and the deputy
has been on duty since yesterday
everybody and his dog
is sliding off the road
Conrad: You want me to stay
here alone-
Abigail: Yes. I know it is
weird, but - Ok, thanks!
Okay, come on you.
Mallon: No, no, no, no. No,
no! I got work to do!
Conrad: You really need to go
Abigail: I win. Be strong,
come on. Mallon: Okay.
Mallon: Sorry about this Conrad
Abigail: Alright, thanks
Conrad: Mm hmm
Karl: Do you know what
that word means?
It is what you do to a woman
when there is no pleasure in it
Abigail: Conrad, Conrad-
Abigail: Conrad, um -hi
sorry about that. Hungry?
Sheriff was supposed to put you up tonight, but
he is in no real position to entertain... so
Conrad: Is there a motel?
Abigail: In Chapman?
You are kind of stuck with me...
I am on duty for the next few
ours, so...
The deputy found a new bit of
evidence - murder weapon.
Right about sixty feet from the
the handle was chewed up like
an animal dragged it all about.
Conrad: Sawed off shotgun?
Abigail: Yeah
Conrad: I looked in the
freezer. It is not my mother.
Abigail: Are you sure?
Conrad: Yeah.
Her teeth were... A mess
it is not her.
Abigail: Well-
I mean, who could it be then?
We do not just have people
unaccounted for
Conrad: It is my father
Abigail: Who would have
wanted to kill your father?
Conrad: Himself
Abigail: This happens a lot
this time of year.
I cannot believe I only have
one blanket. Jeez! Brrr.
Conrad: This day could not get
any weirder
Abigail: What was she like,
your mother?
Conrad: She would never leave me alone
with my father for more than two seconds
Abigail: Do you think maybe
she is still alive?
Conrad: No, I do not have any
hope of that
you want to hear something
Abigail: Okay
Conrad: About four weeks after
she disappeared,
my father took me
on a walk out in the woods
Karl: Over there
turn around
you wet yourself
get up or you will freeze to
Get on home. You best hurry up.
Conrad: When we got back he
started the fire on the stove,
he told me to stand by it, and he waited
the whole time it took for me to thaw out.
In the morning he was gone.
I never saw him again.
Abigail: It must be so terrible for
you to be back here. I'm so sorry
Conrad: No I feel better about
it now.
Abigail: Because you know he is
Conrad: It is knowing that he
intended to include himself.
Makes it less personal
narrator: It all started when my family
moved from Illinois to new Mexico
mom: Stop it. How many times have I
told you that is bad for your eyes?
Mom: Stop it
Charlie: Is dad going to pick
me up after school?
Mom: No, you are going to walk
Charlie: Mom!
Narrator: The doctor insisted
we move to a warmer climate
for the sake of my father.
I remember not knowing what to do, but knowing
that I wanted to be the least of their worries.
And then I saw him.
All I could remember on my first day of school
was the menacing look he had on his face.
His name was Bobby bell.
Boy #1: One, two, three
Bobby: Hey, you want to play?
So, know how to play?
Charlie: What is this game?
Boy #1: You have to hit
it before it bounces twice
but you cannot hit it before it
and you cannot let it double
bounce or you are out
Charlie: Okay!
Boy #1: Sound simple enough?
Charlie: Yeah I guess.
Bobby: So, where you from?
Charlie: Uhm, Chicago
Bobby: Chicago. What is your
favorite food?
Charlie: Anything I guess really
Bobby: Tacos?
Charlie: I guess
Bobby: Yeah the rest of the game
though, you have to stand right here
against the wall, but you cannot
You cannot move. Stay still!
Charlie: So just like this? I
thought, am I -
yep, yes, just back up against
the wall and stay here
boy: You're doing great
Charlie: Good one
Bobby: Do not move!
dad: Hey, the new Mexico outlaw is back.
How was your first day at school?
Mom: Make any new friends?
It is okay if he did not. I did
not make any my first year either
I was just asking. Did you
Charlie: Yeah
Charlie: Are you going to lose
all your hair?
Charlie: In my book, it says, when you have
this disease, you could lose all your hair
dad: Oh you are a doctor now.
Let us have a look.
Don not read books like this.
Narrator: As months went by, I
remember trying to do something -
narrator: Anything. Whatever I could
do to help my father win his fight.
And suddenly, like a disease,
word spread around school.
Dad: You know they say the cubs could go
all the way this year. All the waaaay!
Dad: I have been thinking about this disease.
It is like a bunch of uninvited guests.
You did not ask them to come. They just
showed up one day and did not go home.
Bobby: Dad die yet Charlie?
Teacher: I can't believe you
did that...
Teacher: Come on kids let us go.
Dad: Charlie
dad: You want to explain
Dad: This fight that I am
having is mine. You understand?
Mom: Charlie
His fight was also mine
I am much older now, but a part of
me is still in that bed beside him.
The other part back
on that playground,
hoping that fight
put me back together again.
Amanda: Pelicans can fly three
thousand miles without stopping
in the first world war-pelicans
transported supplies across enemy lines
narrator: Amanda peeled labels,
chewed nails, ate the caps off pens
twice she tried to kill herself
I used to think we would be best
friends forever and not just sisters
that was before dad died
before she went to rehab for the
third time
before I moved far away from
the mess I used to call home
Lisa: Hey you know uh, we were
invited over to Timmy later
Amanda: I do know
what? I talk to him. He is my
Lisa: Yeah after he was mine
Amanda: I have no problem with
it does not even make any sense,
saying I drink like a fish
it is like saying I read like a
Lisa: Amanda, who said you
drink like a fish?
Mom just said you
should not drive
Amanda: Mom said you
should not drive.
Amanda: You know what, you are more
like the fish. Lisa: I am ignoring that
Amanda: Come on. You are being a haddock.
Like a smoked haddock you know?
Lisa: Ok I have been home
for like an hour-
can we just have a
normal conversation please?
Amanda: Sorry
Lisa: Oh!
Amanda: Does anybody want
a muddy Mary?
With some leaves on top?
Oh! You know what she should do?
We should go inside
and get a cognac
that is the perfect dusk drink!
Lisa: Do you think you should
just slow down a little bit?
Amanda: Why?
I am celebrating my sisters annual
abbreviated trip to the homeland
Lisa: Okay - well the sun does not
go down for another three hours
Amanda: Yeah, but if you get started
early, anything is possible
you of all people should know
that Lisa.
Amanda performing: The combined
IQ of a colony of ants
exceeds the intellect of most
us senators
Lisa: My mother
Ophelia: You wish to eat me!
Lisa: One drink made her queen
and three took her out of it
Sydney: I was under the impression that
Amanda liked margaritas - loved margaritas
Lisa: Counting his cock
what me and Amanda used to call
our stepfather self fondling
Sydney: What are we going to do
with all these margaritas?
I was under the impression
that Amanda liked marga-
Ophelia: What are you talking about?
We have heard you already.
Ophelia: Go find your sister!
Sydney: Sweetie, go see where
she is okay? Huh? Thank you.
Sydney: What the hell would you
do with the rest of these?
Amanda: An ant is attracted to
the genitals of all mammals
both male and female.
Sydney: Do not point at me.
- my mother is not dead
what, what? I'm
ready with the glasses Ok-
Lisa: Hey!
Lisa: Oh my god - oh god -
come on
come here
Lisa: Oh shit
Lisa: Honey?
Lisa: Seriously - you are acting and you
made me drag you all the way in here?
Stripped of its stinger -
a bee becomes nothing more
than a raisin with wings...
Lisa: Did you ever notice that there are
no streetlights in this town that work?
You still work at that delivery
Amanda: Yes - yes. That is what I am doing.
No - actually - I quit that three years ago
do you know anything about - me.
What I am doing anything at all?
Lisa: Okay - uhm - let us not
Amanda: Okay - I work at a dock
and I manage a band
Lisa: Have I heard of them?
Amanda: Do you listen to
any decent bands?
Amanda: I wanted to do some more artistic
stuff so I decided to become a monologuist
Lisa: Is that like a comic?
Amanda: No, it is like
uhm, performance art, you know?
Amanda: So I would tell stories
about my life
and I would incorporate facts about
animals and sort of do this -
Lisa: Awe inspiring
Amanda: Yeah - I kept trying to
push the show and push, push, push!
Amanda: I was just hoping eventually
somebody would get what I was going for
Amanda: Do you know what I mean?
Lisa: Yeah
Amanda: Yeah
Lisa: I mean - I have a kind of
idea of the man I want but -
the fucking clowns I
meet are never anywhere close
Amanda: The stingerless
bee becomes an outcast
and must make its way in
a world alone
Lisa: Thinness is genetic. Like
Amanda: Unless you are me and then you are
really skinny but that is because you never eat
right? Look at that. Look at it. You
wanna put your little nose in there?
You wanna put your little nose in there?
There - put your little nose in it.
I like your hair.
Do not listen to my sister.
Lisa: Do you have any
drinking beverages in here?
Amanda: A pelican can fly three
thousand miles without stopping.
In the first world war - pelicans were used
to transport supplies against enemy lines.
The combined IQ of a colony of ants exceeds
that of the intelligence of most us senators
my sister and I went to see the
famous monkeys at the St. Louis zoo.
Lisa: What famous monkeys?
Amanda: The monkeys shared a
Amanda: You could not tell
where the first monkey ended
and the next monkey began
Lisa: I forgot how
many signs we had.
The hand signal that indicated
someone was lying.
The nostril flare that meant we
were dealing with a loser.
The hiccup that said, let us
get the hell out of here.
Amanda: They would never let
anything separate them
not even the third monkey
who went into the kitchen to get
the first monkey a drink
Amanda: And then one day
their father crashed into a tree
and monkey one and monkey two
dived into the magic bottle.
And monkey one
transformed into a bird.
And monkey two transformed into
a fish.
And when they spoke to each
neither of them could understand
what each other was saying anymore
Amanda: What do you think?
Lisa: You are prettier than I am
Amanda: Yeah, I am.
Monica: Hi, I am Monica.
Mr. chub: I am Mr chub. May I
see your drivers license?
Monica: Why you get a lot of strange
women pretending to me maids?
Monica: Usually I do not mind
being carded, but not at work.
Mr. chub: Please, come in.
Mr. chub: Oh - I have my
own vacuum.
Monica: Nice condo. He could be an agent.
It always pays to wear lipstick.
Mr. chub: So, uh, Monica -
did you bath this morning?
Monica: Seriously? Nine A.M. and
he is already picturing me naked.
Mr. chub: Ooh I want you.
You will not be sorry.
Monica: No! You are my employer.
We should keep it that way.
Besides I don't think my boyfriend
would like it very much
Monica: What? You do not have
the right to ask me that.
Mr. chub: I did not mean to offend. I
just have a thing about cleanliness.
Monica: So I noticed.
His hair is kind of nappy though. I mean
natty natty is not a racist word, is it?
I dated a black guy once
come this way. Thank you.
Monica: Wow.
Monica: Ever think
about knocking?
Mr. chub: I did not mean to
startle you.
Monica: Well, you did.
Mr. chub: You work very
intently. Call if you need me.
Monica: I am fine, thank you.
Missy: Have you
forgotten the way to El Paso?
I am doing all right - really.
I know you heard they cut out that lump
I had that you did not know about.
Which is why I am writing, because I
know some dumb somebody told you.
My own way of telling you would
have been more fun for both of us.
Anyway, it is out, and there is a little cut like
a smiley face under my nipple. You will like it.
Come see the girl who loves you no matter
what. Hear me? Do not step on my heart.
Your only one - miss famous
Monica: Course I
will change all the names.
You do not have to get
permission to do that, do you?
I love you!
Stop it. Oh, thank you.
Oh-don't go get a tattoo now.
Mr. chin: You bring your lunch
here often?
Monica: Please do not sit down.
Monica: I used to.
Mr. chin: What is your name?
Monica: That is not really
I bet I can
guess your nickname. Foxy.
Monica: Why do these banker
types always hit on me?
Monica: Wrong its sting,
Sting! Your nickname is sting?
Monica: I bet I know your
Monica: Poophead.
Asshole. Jerkoff.
Monica: Nevermind.
So you must like the police, the
band. Cause of the lead singer.
Monica: Oh my god, that is
Mr. chin: I guess they are not
a band anymore.
Monica: Not for like
thirty years.
Monica: The last man who called
me sting stepped on my heart.
That is too bad. You know I have
seen you before.
I have actually
been looking for you.
Brian: You know I have been
looking for you for months.
Monica: Well, here I am.
Thank god your book came out. Your
publisher gave me your number.
Monica: He should not have
done that.
Brian: Sweet Monica. Will you
marry me?
Monica: It fits.
Mr Chinn: So you say he broke
your heart?
Monica: Huh?
You said the guy who broke your
Monica: I did not say he broke
it. I said he stepped on it.
You have a resilient heart.
I like that. I like that a lot.
Excuse me. Hello?
I gotta bounce. Okay, yeah, I
will see you around foxy.
Mr chin: Yeah, no, he called me.
Mrs. Nighetti: Time for a break.
Monica: I just started.
The way you dust you deserve
Monica: Here we go again.
Mrs. Nighetti only my Vincent makes
his mother happy with a grandchild.
Mrs. Nighetti [with Monica narrating over:
Nine boys, and only one grandchild.
But my Vincent he names his daughter
Carlotta, which you may not know,
but my name is Carlotta. He names
her after his mother, my Vincent.
Monica: You have
told me that a million times.
Monica: Do you have any new
Mrs. Nighetti you would think that wife of
his would know I want new pictures every week
but she is too busy getting famous. I am
going to be a famous model, she says.
To listen to her talk, the baby
set her back years.
Oh, maybe you have not seen
this one...
Monica: I bet I have.
There is my girl.
Monica: Sweetie its time for
Sally: I wanna keep playing.
Brian: Just let her play.
Mrs. Nighetti: So has that
Brian come to his senses yet?
Has he come rushing to you with
an armful of roses?
Monica: Have not heard a word.
Monica: But I am sure I will as
soon as his wife pops that kid out.
Monica she is not that great
a little younger than I am
Monica: Horrible laugh but she
sure knew how to trap him.
Monica: Probably
was not even on the pill.
Brian: Straighten out.
- straighten out babe!
Monica: I will not go to him.
He has to come to me.
Babysitter: You are late again.
Monica: Sorry.
Babysitter: She had a nap.
Monica: Good.
Babysitter: Thanks.
Monica: After the book comes out.
Sally will need a private tutor.
I will be making appearances all
over the world.
Monica: Turkey or bologna?
Sally: Bologna!
Monica: I will
start writing it soon.
I will describe his spotless
The way he walked.
The way his little voice rode
the air.
The mysterious woman from El
and especially his shirts.
The way they faced the same
direction, one after another.
Like promises kept. Like the
days of a life.
Monica: Hey!
Sally: Can you read to me?
Monica: Um - sure I can
tell you a story
Monica: Ummm
Monica: There once was a very beautiful
young woman named Cinderella
and she lived in a castle, I
And she lived with her evil step mom
and two or three mean step sisters.
And she had to clean the house
every single day. Top to bottom.
And then one day there was an announcement
on TV that said there would be a big ball.
And she really wanted to go
because she knew that the man she was
supposed to be with was going to be there.
And she knew if she went there
she would...
Live happily ever after and
be a very famous writer.
: Hi Paul, it is Laura.
I heard you were going to be in town
so I thought maybe if you had
time you could stop by
I would really like you to meet my
son Chris. We are at my moms house
: 'next message'
caddy: Hi Paul. They just released
your father and we should be home soon
I do not want you to be surprised when
you see him, okay? He has gotten worse.
The stroke left him agitated. Maybe
you can take him for a drive tomorrow
he always liked that.
Caddy: So good to see you.
Edmund: L... let... let go.
Caddy: Maybe you should get rid of that thing.
Do you not need a truck for your business?
Edmund: Lazy, does not like
anything old.
Paul: Stop that. Call her caddy
Caddy: Paul would you help me
in the kitchen please.
Caddy: Laura brought us home
from the hospital.
Paul: Did she?
Caddy: She had the boy with her.
Edmund: That boy looks exactly
like you.
Paul: Boys not mine.
Caddy: We know that.
Edmund: That kid is the
spitting - mmm - mmm
Paul: Spitting image.
Spitting image.
Caddy: Not in the house.
There are blankets and sheets on
the couch.
And shower - I could smell
the wood lacquer on your skin.
Paul: Stop that. Just stop.
Edmund: Just like me. Not long
for the world.
Paul: No just needs a little love that
is all. Just a little bit of love.
Watch this
see dad, told you, she is not
ready to leave me yet.
Paul: What does mom make of
all that smoking stuff?
Edmund: I do not know.
Paul: I read somewhere a couple
weeks ago
that doctors are saying they're
actually good for you
especially if you had stroke
there suppose to really good
Edmund: Oh that is perfect. I
am going to remember that.
Paul: Good. Edmund: Yeah.
Edmund: How is work?
Paul: I quit the.. I quit the
Edmund: Why? You are a good
Paul: Yeah I make furniture
full time now
Edmund: Well - you always
liked wood.
Paul: Mom did not tell you that?
Edmund: She does not tell me a goddamn
thing. But she she. She told me that.
Edmund: Oh, I knew you would
make that turn.
Paul: What do you mean? No, you said go
anywhere. I do not care we can go anywhere.
Edmund: You cannot keep away
from her.
Paul: What are you talking
Paul: Oh look, hey, no, no, I did not
even notice this was her street.
Edmund: Oh well, you do not
notice most things.
Paul: Oh, I do not notice most things?
Is that not interesting...
Edmund: You see, he looks just like,
just like you when you were young.
Paul: Yeah... well that kid
is not my kid.
Edmund: Look at him!
Paul: What do I gotta look at
him for? Hey, hey, hey, listen -
that is not my son. That is not my son,
I do not know why you do not get that.
Why am I gonna look at him. That's not
my son. What a dumb thing to say.
Caddy: Did he smoke?
Paul: Yeah, I did not see a
point in keeping him from it.
Paul: We drove past the, by Laura's house.
How is she doing these days?
Caddy: She thinks of herself as family.
Coming to the hospital and everything.
Paul: You know, I do not know how
you put up with that every day.
He is so rude. He does not know he is being
rude. He drives around saying shit...
Caddy: Your father has always been a
little mean. It is all he has got left.
I cannot deny him the one
thing that he can still feel.
Paul: I do not remember any
meanness in him.
Caddy: Glad you feel that way. I do not
have a particular hole in my memory.
Everyone has a little
meanness in them.
You should see the child.
Caddy: I know. He is not your
son. But she was your wife.
Paul: She was my wife.
She led me to believe we would get
back together for four months
and just never bothered to
say, umm, oh I am pregnant.
Caddy: Sometimes, honey, people
cannot speak their thoughts.
Other words come out instead.
Go see them.
Laura: You come to see me, or
Paul: You look like yourself.
Laura: I suppose that is a
Paul: So what are you up
to these days?
Laura: Umm, I am a teller at the bank, but
mostly I take care of cliff. And, uh, you?
Paul: I make furniture now.
Business is improving.
Eventually there might be some money in it.
But I am happier around the lumber.
Laura: I remember you always used
to say, wood cannot be forced.
You have to discover
the form within.
Paul: I do not think I said
that bullshit,
but if I did it was probably
just to impress you.
Laura: You did.
Paul: Hey buddy. How old
are you?
You are a big boy.
You like horses? Huh?
You can have him, if you want
Laura: Hey honey, you want to run
inside and show grandma your new toy?
Mommy is going to talk
to her friend.
Laura: That was kind of you.
Laura: You are still driving
the swinger?
Paul: My dad loves her. I let him smoke in it.
He, uh, is not himself anymore. You know.
Sometimes he looks like my father. Occasionally
sounds like my father, but he is...
Laura: I thought it would be
to strange to send you pictures.
I had a fling.
He looked like you.
Paul: I guess I should go.
Laura: You know where to
find us.
Paul: Yeah.
Paul: My girl. My girl. That is what
I wanted to say. You look yourself,
I wanted to say you look like my
fucking girl, man.
Stupid ass idiot. Then what? Then what!?
Then what? I do not know.
Paul: What should I do?
Older Michael narrating: We
were locked out.
Older Michael narrating: We would
have to make a decision soon.
Break in or hike a
few miles back to town.
But for now, we were
teenaged boys with one concern.
Lee a couple summers ago I was
at church camp.
And you now how they have each day
you got a different activity.
Well, this particular day it was art and
crafts, and I mean I was not into it.
Lee: You know I hate crafts.
Michael: You hate arts and crafts.
Lee: Yeah. So this girl, I
kind of see her looking at me.
And she was beautiful. I mean, she had
like this perfectly feathered hair
and she had the most incredible
singing voice.
She could have had a record deal, that is
what I told her. And so I was talking to her.
And we were supposed to be making those
gods eyes with the yarn or whatever.
And I was like 'hey you want to get
out of here?' And shes like 'okay'
so, I said come with me. And
we start making out. You know,
it is like I am telling you. It is those
innocent girls that get the craziest.
Michael: They are crazy,
Lee: It is like all
repressed inside or something.
Lee: And her ass. Oh my god.
Her ass was so round, it was like the most
perfectly round thing that you have ever seen.
Michael: Like a bubble?
Lee: I did not even know nature could create
something. It was like a babies head.
Greg: God dammit, Michael. Michael: Oh
yeah, real soft. Like a babies cheeks.
Lee yeah, yeah, just like two
little babies heads.
Older Michael narrating: It goes
without saying that this was bullshit.
Lee was starving for information
about sex just like the rest of us.
A few years back, lees father was caught performing
an abortion and stripped of his license to operate.
Lee did not touch or comfort his
He did not ask about the law or
justice or even who the woman was.
He only asked one thing
Lee: Was she naked?
Lee: She was such - such good
pussy, man. What about you Greg?
Greg: Well, it was not quite as
innocent as Bible camp...
Michael: Get ready for the
Greg: Hey! So, I am out mowing
my lawn.
Its my neighbors yard and she was
probably like maybe forty something,
I am not sure, but she was not
too old, but like just right!
And she comes out like half way
through, alright -
Lee: And she invites me in for cookies
and lemonade. Michael: Your neighbor??
Greg: It is like..
Lee: Twinkies and lemonade?
Greg: She must have known me, I
do not know how, but she got me.
And next thing I know she comes back around
Twinkies, lemonade, no shirt, no bra.
Just tits man, they were like -
if I had to compare them -
I would probably say like working with -
maybe a mango - you know what I am saying.
Like a mango
almost like, you know how like when your checking
the mango to make sure it is not rotten.
But it is squishy and stuff.
Lee: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Greg: It is like a rotten mango.
So anyway you know - I start
of course the Twinkies and
lemonade are long gone. Fuck that.
And so I am fucking her and she
starts making this noise.
And dammit if I had a tape recorder
for that noise. It was beautiful.
Michael: What was it? Greg: It was -
it was a damn serenade of beauty.
Lee: I want to hear the noise. Greg:
I wish I could create it. It was..
Michael: Yeah you can, go
ahead. Come on. Make the noise.
Greg: No I cannot. I cannot.
I cannot.
Lee: Was it a little like -
Michael: Yeah, like fucking a
retarded pig kind of.
Greg: No, no, no, no. It was like, you
know what. Alright, for you all sakes.
Okay. I will make the
noise, alright. One time show.
Michael & Lee: Thank you,
Greg: Please take it in, I might not do it
justice. But I will give it a shot okay, so -
Greg: Right here. It is
like that.
It is just like, it is real
long and deep like 'uuuuuhhhhh'
Lee: I thought this was the
sound that she made. Not you.
Greg: No that is the sound she
made yeah.
Michael: That is the sound she
Older Michael narrating: In fact, Greg was borrowing details
from something he witnessed through a keyhole one night.
Greg's parents had invited
some of their friends over.
They did this from time to
time apparently.
Mother: Oh yeah
mother: Who is first?
Random guy one: Oh - I am first
Lee and Michael: Bitchin' man.
Yeah man that is righteous.
Greg: Thank you. Thank you.
Yeah. No big deal. What about you, man.
What about your lady Michael?
Lee: I want to hear some dirty
Michael: Okay, there is this
one time.
Lee: Yeah, lets hear it.
Greg: Yeah, ready for it.
Michael: Remember the Chandler
Lee & Greg: Yeah, yeah.
Michael: Well the party. The
party after the game.
You were not there but I went
with my older brother.
And umm, it was all older chicks
there. And you know.
Anyway, I was at this party and I look
across the room and I see this girl.
You know I was sitting all the way across the
room but somehow we just keep locking eyes.
And she is giving me this real intense
stare. She was so beautiful man.
I mean like, movie star eyes and she
is wearing this really cute outfit.
I glance down and I see shes got
these white panties on
Greg: So, uhh, what about the
white panties?
Michael: So she found a way
to show them to me. Just me.
Greg: Damn! Lee: Like - did you
do anything about it? Come on.
Greg: Where are you going? That
is cool about the white panties.
Older Michael narrating: The story I told
my friends was only part of the truth.
The white flash of the girl
underwear did something to me.
I had to move, say something.
Greg: So what did you do?
Michael: Well, I stand up and I
just go straight across the room.
Michael: I could tell she wanted me
to do something. So - I reached out.
Greg: Oh really? What did you
reach out for?
Michael: Well - I put my
finger there.
Greg: Where? Where did you put
Michael: Put it there. Right -
right fucking there. Right there.
Lee: What happened from there?
Just leave her sitting. Come on.
Michael: Alright, okay. Let me
get to that.
Greg: I am jealous - I would
love to hear it.
Older Michael narrating: Because I was a virgin
I could no describe what I did with the girl.
What I described was a
The things around me.
I substituted the body of a
woman for the body of the earth.
At least that is what I think I
We did not know exactly what we were saying. But
we knew we were saying more than what was said.
Michael: She wants it so. So I gave it to
her. You know. I gave it to her real hard.
You know, real fast. Deep, you
I do not think I could have
gotten deeper or gone harder.
Lee: Ahh, that is the best!
Michael: Yeah. And umm,
when it was all over - I just
looked at her and then I left.
Greg: That was a good story, man.
Yeah, that was great. Look at us.
Lee: Umm, you guys want another
Michael: Yeah.
Greg: It is about time for me.
Older Michael narrating: We
talked into the night.
Eventually we did hike the five miles
back into town to call a locksmith.
But for now we were
content to sit and smoke.
Three boys of no particular
Elevating as best we could, the fragile
faith that our lives had meaning.
Keen narrating: As much as anything
ever really happens, this really did.
Keen narrating: I guess you could
say I was in that drifting phase...
You can call it whatever
you want.
Somewhere between dropping out of college
and the beginning of settling down.
I was headed home for the
summer to straighten myself out.
But took a detour.
A couple thousand miles west of
my intended destination.
Keen: I ended up at this house
in apex, Colorado.
My buddy Clete was there.
Said he knew this girl that was dog sitting for some
rich folks spending the summer in Scotland or something.
He said there was a full liquor cabinet,
stockpile of shrooms and a free bed.
So it seemed worth a pit stop
god a lot of people lived in
that house over the summer.
It was actually hard to tell who did
and who did not on any particular day.
I know, I cannot remember a lot
of their names.
Does it matter?
Well there was Barnett.
Party goer one: Cause she
fucking squats when she pees.
Keen narrating: You know Barnett was a
special kind of asshole, you know the type.
Barnett: Hey, my man! Keen narrating: See it was
bad to say, considering. But that is the truth.
Barnett: I do not know if I like white women
anymore. I do not even know which one to pick.
You know what I am saying. I was thinking
about when I was throwing rocks at a river.
Anyway I would like to talk to you about
it more if you got some time. Good shit.
Clete: Lions go after the weak link. Always the baby
wildebeest, the retarded zebra, the gimpy little antelope.
Now, based on this evidence, what
do you think this movie is called?
"Lion: The noble beast"
keen: Still talking about that
fucking movie?
Clete: It is a documentary.
And it is significant.
Keen narrating: Clete was full of useful
information from public television.
Clete: For you. Take them and
trip in good health.
Keen narrating: Like the cultural importance of
baseball, or the healing powers of magic mushrooms
or the most effective methods of
hunting in the desert.
See, those were the topics of
conversation that summer.
And everyone was engaged in a horse
race for the dog sitter - Lila.
Lila: You looking for something?
Keen: Yeah, just some water.
Lila: You are in the wrong
place, buddy.
Whiskey and ice. It is my specialty.
Plus, it is all we got left, so.
Keen narrating: Stu, nice guy, had
a flare or the near overdose.
Keen: What is up with him?
Lila: Been like that or hours. We do
not know if it is drugs or something
keen: Or something? What do you
mean or something?
Lila: I do not know. A million
Lila: You bastards.
Keen: I think we are all bastards and
saints. Just depends on the day.
Lila: You are quite profound
for someone from Ohio.
Keen narrating: The way I saw it I had two options. Turn
tail and head for home. Or throw my hat in the ring.
Keen narrating: I mean,
what would you do?
Keen narrating: You cannot just sit next to a
girl and expect her to unfold her life to you
like it is a shirt she is asking
you to wear.
You have to show her that you are giving
something up in order to talk to her.
I am telling you, man. If you want to get to the
really good stories, you have to make an effort.
Lila: High school,
the lady friend.
Keen: Uhh, what do you want to know?
Lila: I want to know it all.
Keen: She was not especially beautiful,
but she was amazing to talk to
Lila: So you never saw her
Keen: I kind of lost track of her. But I did
see her, yeah, at our ten year reunion. Yeah.
Lila: You went to your ten year reunion...
Keen: Yeah I did. Why?
Lila: No reason. I do not know.
Keen: Okay.
Keen: Anyways she, she is married to some
guy who works for NASA. Yeah. Lila: Fuck.
Keen: They already had a kid. And
another one on the way. Lila: Wow.
Keen: Yeah. The whole time I kept thinking about
how crazy she used to be for me, you know?
How it could have been my
kid, calling me daddy.
Like somehow I had given up my
chance to walk on the moon.
Lila: It is not to late you
know. To walk on the moon.
Keen: Nah! I hate flying.
Always have.
Lila: Is that right?
Keen: Uh huh.
Barnett: Pussies!
Pussies! Pussies!
Barnett: You are the
biggest pussy of them all.
Lila: It is true.
Lila: Eww! Fuck you! Fuck you!
Keen: Fuck! Oww!
Clete: We can get five cents for these.
Wanna help me collect them?
Clete: What happened to him?
Lila: Him or the other one?
Clete: Okay. This fucking guy.
Clete: You coming?
Keen: We cannot just leave
him out here.
Clete: Well, wake him up.
Clete: Jesus Christ.
Clete: You could damage your bladder
holding your pee that long.
Keen: Fuck it, now what?
Clete: You are on the right track, maybe
just thinking a little too small.
Keen: Fuck head, come here.
Grab his arms I got an idea.
Clete: Oh shit. Yes sir,
yes sir.
Keen: Alright walk this way.
Keen & clete together: One,
two, three!
Clete: Shit! Barnett wake up
you bastard! Wake up Barnett!
Clete: He is fucking around.
Clete: Barnett!
Clete: Oh fuck!
Clete: It is some consolation
that he was an asshole.
Clete: But - what are you going
to tell Lila?
Keen: Nothing. We are not
telling Lila anything.
Lila: I cannot believe this.
Who dies??
Keen: Can you not say it like
Lila: Like what?
Clete: Of all the days to run
out of fucking alcohol!
Lila: Did you check his pulse?
Keen: Yeah.
Lila: Do not tell Stu. Do not
fucking tell anyone.
Lila: Promise me.
Lila: Promise me!
Keen: I promise.
Keen narrating: I do not think Lila had any
second thoughts about being my girlfriend.
I did not. But you know how it is, you
fall in love, you cannot see beyond it.
I guess that is where time,
it just, gets away from you.
Keen: Is that shit or vomit?
Clete: This is damnation
Keen: I may have had something
to do with that.
Stu: Should someone say a few
Clete: Okay. Rest in peace.
Umm, yeah. Amen.
Clete: Okay. Rest in peace.
Umm, yeah. Amen.
Keen: I think you should run
some water.
Lila: There is an idea.
Keen: That is my shirt you know.
Keen: Wanna get married?
Lila: My parents float me
some money every couple months.
Lila: That could pay for
our marriage certificate.
Lila: Do you have any savings?
Keen: Do not worry I will buy
you a big old ring.
Lila: I guess I could go back
to waitressing.
Keen: Yeah, that would be good.
Keen: Good morning, sir.
Sheriff: Morning - I hate to bother you.
But your wife came by.
Sheriff: Said you murdered a
Keen narrating: I mean it was
Keen narrating: Down to my damn underwear.
Glass of whiskey in my hand.
I just looked at him and said -
I would not call it murder.
I realize now that was a slip.
It is never easy to know what to
say in the moment, is it?
You know, there is one last
thing that I remember.
So all the dogs in town, they were barking
at us when we arrived that first night.
Not knowing what we were getting
That I would murder a man.
Manslaughter a dog. And fall in love.
Despite what you might think.
Those fucking dogs. They would not stop
barking. What do you think that means??
Those fucking dogs. They would not stop
barking. What do you think that means??
Narrator: Some character will complain that
his nowhere life is everyone else fault.
All you have to do is sit on
the wrong stool.
To get the good stories
you have to make an effort.
You have to live them.