The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (2005) Movie Script

[male narrator]
It's an important and popular fact
that things are not always
what they seem,
For instance, on the planet Earth,
man had always assumed
that he was the most intelligent
species occupying the planet,
instead of the third most intelligent,
The second most intelligent creatures
were dolphins, who, curiously enough,
had long known of the impending
destruction of the planet Earth,
They'd made many attempts
to alert mankind,
but most of their communications
were misinterpreted
as amusing attempts to punch footballs
or whistle for tidbits,
So they eventually decided they would
leave Earth by their own means,
The last ever dolphin message
was misinterpreted
as a sophisticated attempt
to do a backward somersault
through a hoop, whistling
The Star-Spangled Banner.
In fact, the message was this:
- [bell rings]
- "So long and thanks for all the fish, "
[Up tempo drum intro to big band number]
[male chorus] So long
and thanks for all the fish
So sad that it should come to this
We tried to warn you all but, oh, dear
You may not share our intellect
Which might explain your disrespect
For all the natural wonders
that grow around you
So long, so long
and thanks,,,for all the fish
[female chorus]
Your world's about to be destroyed
There's no point
getting all annoyed
Lie back and let the planet
dissolve around you
[male chorus]
Despite those nets of tuna fleets
We thought that
most of you were sweet
Especially tiny tots
and your pregnant women
So long, so long,
so long, so long, so long
[female chorus] So long, so long
[whole chorus] So long,
so long and thanks for all the fish
[girl solo]
If I had just one last wish
I would like a tasty fish
[woman solo]
If we could just change one thing
We would all have learnt to sing
[full chorus]
Come one and all
Man and mammal
Side by side
In life's great gene pool!
[male chorus]
So long, so long, so long
[female chorus] So long, so long
[whole chorus] So long, so long
and thanks for all the fish!
[cock crows]
[male narrator] The extraordinary story
of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
begins very simply,
It begins with a man,
An Earthman, to be precise,
Who no more knows his destiny,
than a tea leaf knows the history
of the East India Company,
His name is Arthur Dent,
He is a five-foot-eight-inch-tall
ape descendant
and someone is trying to drive
a bypass through his house,
What do I want you to do about it?
Find him
and tell him I'm currently lying
flat on my back in front of...
Fine, I'll hold.
You can't lie in front
of the bulldozers for ever.
I'm game. We'll see who rusts first.
This bypass has got to be built
and it is going to be built.
- Why has it got to be built?
- It's a bypass.
You've got to build bypasses. Besides,
you should've protested months ago.
The plans have been on display
at the planning office for a year.
On display?
I had to go down to a cellar.
Mr Dent, have you any idea how much
damage this bulldozer would suffer
if I just let it roll straight over you?
- How much?
- None at all.
[narrator] By a strange coincidence,
none at all
is exactly how much suspicion
ape-descendant Arthur had
that one of his closest friends
was not descended from an ape,
but was, in fact, from a small planet
somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse,
Arthur! Arthur!
- [Arthur] Ford!
- Yes?
Ah, there you are!
[Ford] Eat, drink. We gotta talk.
Now's not the best time.
They're going to demolish my home.
Whoa! You already...
You already know? How?
What do you m...?
Oh, they, they? When you say
"they" you mean they? Got it.
Listen. I got somethin' important
I gotta tell you. Right now.
Well, what about my house?
[Ford] Workers of the Earth, I bring
good tidings of peanuts and beer!
[workers' excited chatter]
- Good. Let's go to the pub.
- Huh?
They won't demolish it
until they've finished the beers.
- Can we trust 'em?
- To the end of the Earth.
- How far's that?
- About 1 2 minutes away.
Barman, six pints of bitter and quickly.
The world's about to end.
Barman, six pints of bitter and quickly.
The world's about to end.
Six pints coming up.
[Ford] Keep the change.
You got about ten minutes to spend it.
Three pints each? At lunchtime?
[loud gulping]
Sorry. Ah. Time is an illusion.
Lunchtime, doubly so.
And eat those peanuts,
because you'll need the salt.
- Look, what is going on, Ford?
- Arthur...
What if I told you
I really wasn't from Guildford?
I was from a small planet
somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse?
Is that something
you're likely to say?
Remember when we met?
- [Ford mimics car]
- [car horn]
[Arthur] Out the way!
- [Arthur] Oof!
- Hi.
Wasn't it strange I was trying
to shake hands with a car?
I assumed you were drunk.
I thought cars were the dominant
life form. I was introducing myself.
You saved my life. And now
I'm saving yours. Please drink.
It must be Thursday. I could never get
the hang of Thursdays.
- If this is about your house...
- No, it's not about the house.
- [Arthur tuts]
- [phone beeps]
- [Ford] Who's he?
- [Arthur] She. She.
Tricia McMillan.
We met at a fancy-dress party.
[Arthur] I hate those kind of parties,
I'd rather have stayed at home
and ironed my hankies,
- But there I was,
- [Tricia] Who are you?
- [Arthur] Oh!
- And there she was,
- Uh, Dent. Arthur Dent.
- Oh, no. I mean, who are you?
Oh, the costume? Right.
"Livingstone, I presume!"
Yeah, it's not as clever as Darwin,
but the best I could do at short notice.
You're the first to get that right.
- [Arthur] Really?
- Yes. Everyone calls me Santa.
- Right.
- I thought the beagle was a giveaway.
So did l.
People at these parties
are drunken idiots.
- What?
- [music stops]
[Arthur] All these people are idiots!
[Tricia laughs]
That's awkward.
[Arthur] Tell me.
She was amazing though, Ford.
Beautiful, witty, mad as a balloon,
[Arthur] Uh, without the beard,
you look at least 80 years younger.
Maybe I'm de-evolving.
[both laugh]
[Arthur] Well, I should tell you
that I do not date
single-celled organisms, okay?
Let's go somewhere.
Yeah. Definitely.
Um, where do you have in mind?
- Madagascar.
- Is that that new club on Dean Street?
No, it's a country
off the coast of Africa.
That Madagascar?
Why are we waiting here?
- Wait a sec.
- [Tricia laughs]
God, you're serious.
Um, I can't go to Madagascar.
- Why not?
- [Arthur] Because, I just, you know...
- You're serious?
- Yeah.
I want to go somewhere I've never been
and I'd like to go with you, so...
...what do you say, Dr Livingstone?
I say that's
an extraordinary proposition.
I can't go. I mean, I've got a job.
Quit. Get a new one
when you come back.
I don't even know your real name.
Ow! Ow!
- Tricia McMillan.
- Well, Tricia McMillan.
Um, I have a proposition for you.
Why don't we go somewhere
a little closer first, say Cornwall,
and we'll see how it goes.
Right, of course, Cornwall.
[man] Hey, excuse me.
Is this guy boring you?
Why don't you talk to me instead?
I'm from a different planet.
It's true. You want to see my spaceship?
[Tricia laughs]
"Do you want to see my spaceship?"
What kind of chat-up line is that?
Mm, that does happen.
- Speaking of...
- [electronic bleeps]
We've got two minutes.
Drink up.
- [rumbling]
- That's my house.
People of Earth, a round of drinks,
for everyone, on me.
[barman] You really think
the world's going to end?
Shouldn't we lie down, or put a paper
bag over our heads, or something?
- If you like.
- Will it help?
Not at all. See you.
[barman] Last orders!
[workmen shouting]
[engines whir]
- [workman] What is that?
- [workman #2] Run!
[workman #3] Look out!
[shouts and screams]
Aha! Towel!
What the hell are those things?
[Ford] Yeow! They're ships
from a Vogon constructor fleet.
I picked up their signal this morning.
You'll need this.
- [Arthur] What are you doing?
- We're hitching a ride.
Um, people of Earth,
this is Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz of the
Galactic Hyperspace Planning Council.
As you are probably aware,
plans for the development of the
outlying regions of the galaxy
involve the building of a hyperspace
express route through your star system.
And your planet is one of those
scheduled for demolition,
[sheep bleat]
There's no point
acting surprised about it,
The plans have been on display
at your local planning office
in Alpha Centauri for 50 Earth years,
If you can't be bothered with
local affairs, that's your lookout,
Apathetic bloody planet.
I've no sympathy at all.
[harsh alien speech]
[electric discharge]
[Arthur screams]
[Arthur screams]
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
is a wholly remarkable book,
Perhaps the most remarkable,
certainly the most successful,
ever to come out of the great publishing
corporations of Ursa Minor,
More popular than
The Celestial Homecare Omnibus,
better selling than
53 More Things to Do in Zero Gravity,
and more controversial than
Oolon Colluphid's trilogy
of philosophical blockbusters,
Where God Went Wrong,
Some More of God's Greatest Mistakes,
and Who Is This God Person Anyway?
It's already supplanted
the Encyclopedia Galactica
as the standard repository
of all knowledge and wisdom
for two important reasons,
First, it's slightly cheaper,
and second, it has the words
"Don 't Panic "
printed in large,
friendly letters on its cover,
So you' re not from Guildford?
Which would explain the accent,
which I've always wondered about.
Um, you're not an out-of-work actor,
but rather a writer for this,
this book thing.
- [electronic buzzing]
- [Ford] Good, huh?
I don't feel well.
I need a cup of tea.
If I asked where we were,
would I regret it?
- [Ford] We're safe for now.
- [Arthur] Good.
We're in the washroom on one of the
ships of the Vogon constructor fleet.
- Oh, get me home, Ford.
- Arthur, your home is...
Oh, God, my home.
My home was demolished.
[hollow clang]
You don't remember.
Okay, Arthur, I've got something to tell
you. It's unfortunate, but it's true.
Your home planet has been blown up.
- Huh, blown up.
- [Ford grunts]
Couldn't you have done something?
I saved your life.
Okay, that makes us even.
It's a tough galaxy. If you want
to survive out here, you've...
...gotta know where your towel is.
Okay, give me a hand over here.
Careful. It's hot.
We've gotta get off this ship.
Before the Vogons find us.
Vogons, they hate hitchhikers. Pull.
- [Arthur] Huh?
- [steam hisses]
[Ford laughs]
- Now we'll get a signal.
- What is a Vogon?
Ask the Guide. Say "Vogons".
- [electronic chimes]
- Vogons.
[Guide] Vogons are one of the
most unpleasant races in the galaxy,
Not evil, but bad-tempered,
bureaucratic, officious and callous,
They wouldn't even lift a finger
to save their own grandmothers
from the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast
of Traal without orders
signed in triplicate,
sent in, sent back,
queried, lost, found,
subjected to public inquiry,
Iost again and finally buried
in soft peat for three months
and recycled as firelighters,
On no account should you allow
a Vogon to read poetry to you,
[Ford] They can't think or imagine.
Most can't spell. They just run things.
And if we don't get a ride soon,
we won't need the Guide to tell us
how unpleasant the Vogons are.
They've already destroyed
a planet today.
That always makes them a little eee!
[loudspeaker: unintelligible shouting]
Ughh! What is that?
- Put this in your ear.
- Huh?
[Arthur gibbers]
[Vogon] We have unwittingly
picked up a couple of hitchhikers,
The fish is translating for you.
[Guide] The Babel fish
is small, yellow, leech-like,
and probably the oddest thing
in the universe,
It feeds on brainwave energy,
absorbing unconscious frequencies,
and excreting a matrix
of conscious frequencies
to the speech centers of the brain,
The practical upshot of which is that,
if you stick one in your ear,
you instantly understand
anything said to you in any language,
[rumbling, crashing]
Resistance is useless.
- [Arthur] All right.
- [Vogon] Someone's coming.
[Vogon #2] Here we go. Look lively.
[rumble and crash of doors]
[Vogon grunts]
[Vogons chatter]
[crab] Wheee!
- [Vogon grunts]
- [crab squeaks]
- [squeak]
- [Vogon] Ha, ha!
[all shriek]
[door clangs]
- [Vogon Jeltz] Hmmm.
- [Vogon minion] Sir.
- [Vogon Jeltz] What?
- [Vogon minion] Hitchhikers.
[Vogon Jeltz groans]
[bell rings]
[brakes grind]
[Vogon Jeltz groans]
[Ford gibbers]
[Vogon Jeltz clears throat]
"O freddled gruntbuggly..."
No, really, you don't have to read.
We've put you through
enough trouble already.
" plerdled gabbleblotchits
on a lurgid bee."
[Guide] Vogon poetry is widely accepted
as the third worst in the universe,
[Guide] The second worst
is that of the Azgoths of Kria,
During a recitation by their
Poet Master, Grunthos the Flatulent,
of his poem
Ode to a Small Lump of Green Putty
I Found in my Armpit
One Midsummer Morning,
four of his audience
died of internal hemorrhaging,
and the President of the
Mid-Galactic Arts Nobbling Council
survived by gnawing
one of his own legs off,
"Or I will rend thee
in the gobberwarts..."
- [Ford screams weakly]
- "...With my blurgle..."
[Guide] The absolute worst poetry was
by Paula Millstone Jennings of Sussex,
Luckily, it was destroyed
when the Earth was,
"See if I don't." Yeah.
[Vogons chortle]
So, Earthlings,
I present you with a choice.
Either die in the vacuum of space,
or tell me what you thought of my poem.
[Vogons chuckle]
A... a... actually, I rather liked it.
- [Jeltz] Hmm?
- [Ford] Yeah.
- That's good. Run with it.
- Hmmm.
Uh, some of the words
I didn't understand,
but I found the imagery quite effective.
Well, uh, yes,
interesting rhythmic devices,
which seemed to counterpoint
the underlying metaphor
of the humanity of...
- Vogonity!
- Vogonity, sorry, vogonity...
of the poet's soul.
[Vogons murmur]
So what you're saying is,
I write poetry because
underneath this mean,
callous, heartless exterior,
I just want to be loved?
[whispers] Yes, yes, yes.
Yes, yes, yeah, please.
Ahh, ooh, ooh, mmm.
Throw them off the ship!
- [Ford] No! No!
- Ford. Ford!
All right! All right!
[Vogon guard] Resistance is useless!
Shut up! Get a job!
Wash your filthy hands!
Don't panic. Don't panic.
[Arthur] So this is it?
We're going to die?
Yeah, we're gonna die.
No, no, what's this?
What is this?
What's this? This is... nothing.
Yeah, we're gonna die.
[Arthur sighs]
[hollow clang]
[Arthur sighs]
- [phone beeps]
- [Arthur grunts]
You're sweating.
[Arthur chuckles]
- [Ford] Would you like a hug?
- [Arthur] No.
[noises stop]
[Guide] "Space, " says the introduction
to The Hitchhiker's Guide,
"is big, Really big, "
"You just won't believe how vastly,
hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is, "
A,,, a,,, and so on,
It also says that
if you hold a lungful of air,
you can survive in the total vacuum
of space for about 30 seconds,
But with space being really big and all,
the chances of being picked up
within that time
are two to the power of two billion,
79 million, 460 thousand,
347 to one against,
By a staggering coincidence,
it's also the phone number
of the Islington flat,
where Arthur went to a fancy dress party
and met a very nice young woman
whom he totally blew it with,
Though the planet Earth,
the Islington flat and telephone
have all now been demolished, Ford
and Arthur were, in fact, rescued,
- [Arthur] Ford?
- [Ford] Y es.
- [Arthur] I think I'm a sofa.
- [Ford] I know how you feel.
[both scream]
So much for the laws of physics.
[TV woman] And our top story,
The sensational theft of the most
coveted ship in the universe,
the starship Heart of Gold,
Stolen at the launch ceremony
by none other
than Galactic President
Zaphod Beeblebrox,
[Zaphod] In the name of people, freedom,
and, uh,,, democracy, stuff like that,
I hereby kidnap myself
and I'm taking the ship with me, Whoo!
- Come on!
- [crowd gasps]
[TV] Beeblebrox,
universally considered
to be the dimmest star
in several solar systems,
is most famous for his controversial
defeat of Humma Kavula
who claimed many thought they were
voting for the worst-dressed being
in the universe contest,
Kavula is best remembered
for his slanderous
"Don 't Vote for Stupid!" campaign,
[woman] Put your ego aside.
Something important has happened.
If there's anything more important than
my ego, I want it caught and shot now.
Come on, I love it.
[TV] Zaphod's just this guy, you know,
Hey, hey, hey, hey. What d'you...?
- I was just watching myself.
- We have a couple of hitchhikers.
Why'd you pick up hitchhikers?
I didn't. The ship did.
[Zaphod] What? Wh... wh... Say what?
When we engaged the
lmprobability Drive... The big button.
- [Zaphod] I know.
- They were picked up here.
In sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha. Wait.
That's where you picked me up.
- On Earth.
- That's impossible.
- No, just very improbable.
- Listen. I don't have time for this.
We've got the police of half the galaxy
after us. We've stopped for hitchhikers.
So ten out of ten for style, but...
...minus several million
for good thinking.
You're too gorgeous, baby, stop it.
You drive me crazy.
Don't. I'll send Marvin.
- Marvin.
- [whirring]
[Marvin] You ought to know,
I'm feeling very depressed.
Well, we have something
that should take your mind off things.
[Marvin] It won't work.
I have an exceptionally large mind.
Yeah, we know. But we need you to go
down to the number two entry bay
and pick up our stowaways
and bring them up here.
[Marvin] Just that? I won't enjoy it.
Yeah, well, that's life.
[Marvin] Life?
Don't talk to me about life.
- [radio] Commander Kwaltz,
- [Kwaltz] Yes.
[radio] We have located the spaceship
Heart of Gold and President Beeblebrox,
- Where?
- Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha,
Requesting hyperspace clearance,
Hold your position, captain,
until clearance is granted.
- Yes, sir,
- Get me Vice-President Questular.
Hyperspace permission granted, captain,
[Vogon crewman] Here we go.
- [engines roar]
- [Vogons scream]
[whoosh of engines]
[door sighs]
[door sighs]
I think that door just sighed.
[Marvin] Ghastly, isn't it?
All the doors have been programmed
to have a cheerful
and sunny disposition.
Anyway, come on. I've been ordered
to take you up to the bridge.
Please yourselves.
Here I am,
brain the size of a planet,
and they ask me to take you
up to the bridge.
Call that job satisfaction?
'Cause I don't.
You can thank the Sirius Cybernetics
Corp. for building robots with G.P.P.
- [Arthur] What's G.P.P.?
- [Marvin] Genuine People Personalities.
I'm a personality prototype.
You can tell, can't you?
[electronic bleeps]
- [bleeps]
- [woman] Arthur?
[Zaphod] Hey, Slim, are you wearing
my underwear? 'Cause I'm wearing yours,
And they ain't doing the trick,
Come on, All right,
- [door sighs]
- [Marvin] Oh, for heaven's sake.
I've brought the aliens.
Don't thank me or anything.
[Zaphod] Ah-ha! Ow!
- Freeze!
- [Ford squeals]
[Marvin] Freeze?
I'm a robot. Not a refrigerator.
- I wasn't talking to you, Giggles.
- [Marvin] Oh, why do I bother?
- Zaphod?
- Ford!
[Zaphod] Is that you?
Ford! Praxibetel lx!
What the hell are you doing here?
I just stuck out my thumb and here I am.
- [Zaphod] That is so you.
- [Ford] Look at you!
President of the Galaxy.
I can't believe you beat Humma Kavula.
[Zaphod] You zarkin' frood.
I want you to meet a friend.
Arthur, this is Zaphod Beeblebrox.
President of the Galaxy. This is my
cousin. He's a semi-half brother...
- We share three of the same mothers.
- We've met.
[laughs] Have we? I'm sorry.
I've got a terrible memory for species.
This is him, Ford. The would-you-like-
to-see-my-spaceship bloke.
- Hmm.
- Yeah.
- Hello, Arthur.
- Tricia!
- How you doin'?
- Hey, Trillian.
This is my semi-half-brother lx,
I'm sorry, Ford.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Um, would you excuse us
for a second, please?
You went down on that little planet
and didn't call me?
Sorry, I didn't know.
I had a galaxy to run.
[Arthur] Hi, Tricia McMillan, right?
I think he called you Trillian.
Which of us got the right one?
I shortened it.
Something a little more spacey.
Right. I was thinking
of changing mine to,
I don't know, Arthoolia.
[laughs] That's a good one.
Well, this is weird.
- How'd you get here?
- I just stuck out my thumb.
- Right. In your pajamas?
- I was in a hurry.
Okay. Did you know I was here?
Don't flatter yourself.
I've got a spaceman too.
Yeah, that's kinda like
the Dingo Shuffle, yeah.
Okay, um, look.
I left you at the party. I feel bad, but
I was gonna call you when I got back.
Well, there is no
going back now, is there?
You do know what happened?
Enough small talk.
We're on the run, remember?
Excuse me, we're having a chat.
Well, I think the girl's getting...
You blew it with her, Earthman, so shut
your face or I'll kick you in the zatch.
- You wanna fight?
- Okay.
- No. No.
- I'm just kidding.
I'm a kidder. Let's be friends.
Let's connect. You and l.
Didn't see that one coming, did you?
Popped right out of the box.
You foxy, yeah!
Teach your pal a lesson, Ford.
He's a guest on my ship.
[sings] He's a guest on my ship!
I thought you said you stole it.
Stole what?
What are we talking about?
- [electronic klaxon]
- Whoa! That doesn't sound good.
- Are you okay?
- Just fabulous, thanks, "Trill".
A little help over here.
I'm in over my head.
I'll take care of this. Good Zarquon,
do I have to do everything?
[laughing] Yes, I do!
Hey, this is really pretty.
- Don't!
- Whoo! They're on our tail.
Fire a gun. Launch a missile.
Do some damage!
[engines roar]
Ow! Stop that! Ow!
Just kiddin'. I love it rough. Hit me.
- Uh, computer?
- [computer] Hi, there,
I'm Eddie, your computer,
I'm pleased to report that it's
a fleet of 100 Vogon battle destroyers,
They're sending you a message,
This is Vice-President Questular Rontok,
I am speaking to the kidnapper
of the President?
[Zaphod] She digs me.
Surrender the stolen vessel at once
or we will take action
as defined and permitted by,,,
section 1-8 of the Galactic Interstellar
Space Bylaws,,,
Zaphod, please come back now,
This is ridiculous,
Leap to hyperspace! Come on!
[computer] Sure thing, fella!
[engines fire up]
Did they have proper
hyperspace authorization?
- No, commander.
- Oh.
Bring me the request
to pursue fugitive forms.
- [messenger] I'm coming, sir.
- [footsteps]
[panting] I'm boiling!
Oh, oh. Here's the form, sir.
So are you along for the ride
or am I just dropping you somewhere?
That depends. Where are you going?
Where am I going?
- You okay?
- Yeah. Don't suppose there's any tea.
Yes, there is. Come on.
I'll show you the kitchen.
When you see what I'm about to show you,
you'll beg me to take you with us.
[Guide] The best drink in existence
is the Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster,
the effect of which is like having your
brains smashed out by a slice of lemon
wrapped round a large gold brick,
[both scream]
- Belgium. Hold it one second.
- Belgium.
Ape-man, Earth dude, sorry,
what's your name again?
- [coughs] Arthur.
- Right. Gorgeous.
No hard feelings, okay?
Sorry to hear about your planet...
- Earth.
- Yeah. I liked Earth.
Got these boots there.
But don't mention it to the girl.
Because if you do... I'll pull your
spleen out through your throat.
- All right. Thanks, buddy.
- Okay.
Good stuff. Like those jammies.
Hey, hey, Zaphod,
what's with the two-head thing?
Oh, yeah. Apparently, you can't be
president with a whole brain.
It's crazy.
- Oh, so you carved it up?
- Yes.
Parts of my personality weren't exactly
what you'd call presidential.
You know what I'm talkin' about.
[drinks machine] Your tea is ready,
I suppose I should've said
it resembles tea. [laughs]
So, two heads
is what does it for a girl?
I mean, if I'd had two heads,
or three...
Or your own spaceship.
Anything else he's got two of?
Come on, Arthur, don't be like that.
What am I supposed to be like?
Green? Bleeping?
I can fold my eyelids
inside out if you like.
Okay, look. Do you see this?
This detects what you're craving
and makes it for you.
[machine] Enjoy your doughnut,
- Do you see this?
- [buzzing]
This toasts bread
while you're slicing it.
We're on a spaceship, Arthur. In space.
- I told you I wanted to get away.
- To Madagascar.
That was... some sort of test.
And I failed.
- How badly does it hurt?
- It doesn't feel great.
No, I mean your chin.
- Ah...
- I might have an aspirin.
- [mice squeak]
- Hey!
Tricia... Trillian, sorry.
There's something I have to tell you.
- Please, don't.
- [Zaphod] Showtime, Trill.
I'm going to set up.
Buttons aren't toys.
Buttons aren't toys.
Anyway... When I saw
what I'm about to show you,
that's when I realized
why I had to do what I did to my brain.
I think. It's all a little...
[electronic whirring]
[Marvin] I've seen it. It's rubbish.
[Marvin] I've seen it. It's rubbish.
[trumpet fanfare]
[Guide] Many millions of years ago,
a race of hyperintelligent,
pan-dimensional beings
got so fed up with the constant
bickering about the meaning of life,
that they commissioned
two of their brightest and best
to design and build
a stupendous super-computer
to calculate the answer to life,
the universe and everything,
O Deep Thought,
we want you to tell us the answer.
[Deep Thought] The answer to what?
[girl #2] The answer to life,
the universe, everything.
[girl #1 ] We'd really like an answer.
Something simple.
[Deep Thought]
Hmm, I'd have to think about that,
Return to this place in exactly
seven-and-a-half million years.
- [Ford] Is it finished?
- No, there's more. They go back.
- Seven-and-a-half million years later?
- That's right, they do.
[cheering, trumpets]
Deep Thought, do you have...
[Deep Thought] An answer for you?
Yes, but you're not going to like it,
- It doesn't matter. We must know it.
- All right,
The answer to the ultimate question,,,
,,,of life, the universe
and everything,,,
,,, 42,
[man] Yeah? What?
[woman] 42?
[Deep Thought] Yes, I thought it over
quite thoroughly, It's 42,
It would've been simpler
to have known what the question was,
But it was the question.
The ultimate question. Of everything!
That's not a question,
Only when you know the question
will you know what the answer means,
- Give us the ultimate question then.
- I can't, But there is one who can,
A computer that will calculate
the ultimate question,
A computer of such infinite complexity,
that life itself will form part
of its operational matrix,
And you yourselves shall take on new,
more primitive forms,
and go down into the computer to
navigate its 1 0-million-year program,
I shall design this computer for you,
and it shall be called,,,
- That's it?
- That's it.
[Ford] You're looking for
the ultimate question? You? Why?
[Zaphod] I tried that.
Why? 42. Doesn't work.
- Let's get it ready, baby.
- Why... you want to know
the ultimate question?
Partly curiosity,
partly a sense of adventure,
but, uh, mostly I think
it's for the fame and the money.
You're President of the Galaxy.
- [Zaphod] Yes, Arman.
- Arthur.
Presidential fame is temporary.
I find the question, that's permanent.
It sticks.
Plus, everyone thinks you're deep.
We just hit that button and bam,
we're at Magrathea, I think.
We've hit it twice and
we're still not there, but anyway...
- You in?
- Always.
- [Zaphod] All right!
- [Marvin] Uh, I want to get off.
- Uh, sorry, what exactly are we doing?
- This!
[Guide] The Infinite Improbability Drive
is a wonderful new method
of crossing interstellar distances
in a few seconds,
without all that tedious
mucking about in hyperspace,
As the Improbability Drive
reaches infinite improbability,
it passes through every conceivable
point in every conceivable universe
almost simultaneously,
So you're never sure
where you'll end up
or even what species you'll be
when you get there,
It's therefore important
to dress accordingly,
The Drive was invented following
research into finite improbability
often used to break the ice at parties
by making all the molecules
in the hostess 's undergarments
Ieap one foot to the left
in accordance with
the theory of indeterminacy,
Many physicists said they
wouldn 't stand for that sort of thing,
partly because it debased science,
but mostly because they didn 't get
invited to those sort of parties,
[squeaks and clangs]
[engines rumble]
[Zaphod] Wow, is this gonna happen
every time we hit that button?
[Trillian] Very probably, yes.
[Marvin] Ah, I think
the Earthman's about to be sick.
[Zaphod] In the trashcan, ape-man.
This ship's new.
Aw, come on!
[Trillian] We have normality.
Did it work? Are we there?
Yeah. We're here. Magrathea!
I don't think so. Eddie...
- Ow!
- What planet is this?
[Eddie] I'm checking for you,
Did you just pluck
one of my hairs? Off my head?
[Eddie] Thank you for waiting,
Sorry to disappoint,
but this is not Magrathea,
We are currently in orbit around
the planet Viltvodle Six,
- [squelch]
- Humma Kavula!
Magrathea's gonna have to wait.
I got a score to settle on this planet.
- [engines roar]
- [Zaphod] Humma Kavula!
[Guide] In the beginning,
the universe was created,
This made a lot of people very angry,
and is widely regarded as a bad move,
[crowd shouting]
Many races believed it was created
by some sort of god,
though the Jatravartid people
of Viltvodle Six
firmly believe that the entire universe
was sneezed out of the nose of a being
called the Great Green Arkleseizure,
[Zaphod] Humma Kavula!
[Guide] The Jatravartids,
who lived in fear
of the time they called the
Coming of the Great White Handkerchief,
were small blue creatures
with more than 50 arms each,
They were unique in being
the only race in history
to have invented
the aerosol deodorant before the wheel,
Mr President!
Hey, all right. How you doin'?
Hey, what have we here? I love it!
Hey, I love you. Fantastic!
You guys related? Don't go changing.
Arthur, I want a drink.
I think I've been here before.
Have I been here before?
[women] lxxie!
- I've been here before.
- [Zaphod] Humma Kavula!
Come on.
Tricia! Tricia, l...
[church choir] Now we await
with eager expectation
Thy handkerchief
to bring us back to Thee
Hello, Humma.
- [priest] Join us. Sit down.
- Good to see you. Thanks. All right.
[Humma] The handkerchief is coming.
Let us pray the Almighty will exhale
a breath of compassion on us all.
So that's Humma Kavula.
I thought he was just swearing.
We lift our noses, clogged and unblown,
in reverence to you.
Send the handkerchief, O Blessed One,
so that it may wipe us clean.
We ask this and all things
in Thy precious and alliterative name.
[all sneeze]
[all sniffle]
Bless you.
- [door bangs]
- [Zaphod] We goin' in here?
All right, I like it. It's big,
it's gold, it's fancy. Fancy pants.
[Humma] Zaphod Beeblebrox,
our infamous President.
What brings you to our humble planet?
[Zaphod] Oh, I think you know
why I'm here.
No, I don't think I do.
I think you think you don't.
But we both know... you do.
Eloquent as always.
Your ability to articulate
never ceases to amaze.
[Zaphod] That's funny.
During the campaign, Humma,
when you were my opponent
running against me,
you said I was stupid.
The election is ancient history,
Zaphod, but...
...if memory serves, you won,
proving that good looks
and charm win
over brilliance
and the ability to govern.
And, incidentally, you are stupid.
[Arthur] Excuse me, Mr Humma, sir.
Uh, I just want to say, there's been
some sort of terrible mix up
'cause, actually, he's not with us.
We came to worship you.
He followed us and...
He grew, didn't he. He's not that tall.
You didn't come half-way across the
galaxy to settle a campaign grudge.
Why are you here?
Of course not,
that's, that's ridiculous.
I've been stranded on a strange planet
for years, I haven't been avoiding you.
You look great. You're doing well.
You've grown, obviously.
- [Zaphod] Aggh! Oomph!
- Wait! We don't know why we're here.
We were trying to get to Magrathea
and our ship brought us here.
How very, very improbable.
[electronic buzz]
I kept a few souvenirs
from my former life.
Ah, the heady days of space piracy.
But... even an lnfinite lmprobability
Drive requires coordinates.
Which I happen to have.
- [Zaphod groans]
- No, no, no.
You don't get something
for nothing, Zaphod.
You must bring me something in return.
- [chuckles] Wh... What?
- [Humma] A gun.
- A gun?
- A very special gun.
Designed by the greatest computer
ever invented.
But the only way to find it
is to go to Magrathea.
Fine. I'll get your gun.
Just give me the coordinates.
And what will you give me
to ensure your return?
My word as President.
No. I need a hostage.
Only... what does
Zaphod Beeblebrox treasure?
- [Humma whistles]
- [gulp]
- [whistling]
- Come on.
[Zaphod chuckles hysterically]
Oh, no!
- [Zaphod] Hey, take it easy now.
- [electric saw]
No, stop it.
Ah! Oh, that kind of tickles.
Two heads are better than one.
Double your pleasure.
[Zaphod's second head]
You need me!
Come back! Come back!
Don't leave me alone.
[Hawaiian hula music]
[Zaphod's second head] Come back!
[Arthur] I thought I alone
considered your boyfriend
a narcissistic moron,
but the whole galaxy does.
What about you?
"Excuse me, Mr Humma, sir."
"We're not with him. We just came
to worship you." Very brave.
- Where the hell is Ford?
- [whoosh]
[Vogon] By the left, march.
Left, right, left, right.
Mr President,
we're here for your protection.
[Vogon Kwaltz]
Fire upon the kidnapper!
Hey, come on!
The President is the kidnapper.
You'll kill him!
Bang! Bang!
[Arthur] It's locked!
Thank you, darling. I'll be in touch.
[Ford shrieks]
Come on, Zaphod.
- Hey, what did I miss?
- What have you been doing?
Field research. So they found
where we are? Belgium bummer!
They're shooting at us!
What are we going to do?
- [Trillian] I have an idea.
- Pushing him out and running away?
[Arthur] What? He's the one they want.
You can't go out there.
What are you doing?
- Back off!
- [Vogon] What's going on?
I have the President
and I will kill him, I swear.
- Could that actually kill him?
- I don't think so.
- It's an aerosol can.
- Oh.
[Arthur] Okay, frightened now,
- [Zaphod] Hi, little guy.
- Get her!
- [Arthur] Zaphod, no, come on!
- [Trillian] Arthur!
- [Trillian] Arthur!
- Tricia!
- Arthur!
- Tricia! Wait!
[Trillian] Arthur!
Resistance is useless!
[engines blasting off]
[Kwaltz] Bring her to Vogsphere
for processing, captain,
- [door sighs]
- [Zaphod] Where's the circus?
They got her and it's my fault.
We have to go!
[Zaphod] Let's go!
Whoo! Computer, take us to Magrathea!
What? No, no, no.
We've got to go after Tricia.
- Who?
- Trillian.
They've got Trillian,
you stupid half-brained git!
Right, you're coming out!
[laughs hysterically]
Computer, we don't want to go to
Magrathea, we want to follow the ships.
[computer] I'd love to, but my
guidance system has been deactivated,
Oh, come on!
[computer] I'm sorry,
It wasn't my fault,
What you doing on this ship?
- Ford?
- Marvin.
I've been talking
to the ship's computer.
It hates me.
No, uh-uh. Eddie, computer,
is there another way
to follow the ships?
[computer] Activating Emergency Escape
Pod, It's super-neat and fun to fly!
[Arthur] Ow!
[Marvin] Unbelievable!
[Arthur] I'm in. I'm in.
Okay, Ford, do you have any idea?
[Ford] We'll press this.
[Arthur] Oh, no, no, no, no.
- [Ford] This button.
- Okay. Nothing's... Okay!
Good man, good man, good man.
- Okay, we're wobbling...
- You forgot your towel.
[Arthur] Get him off me! I'll kill him!
- Okay, Ford, there's a...
- [Ford] Is that better?
No, that's worse, that's worse.
- Do what... I don't need that.
- Okay.
[Arthur] Stop the rocking.
Marvin, any ideas?
[Marvin] I have a million ideas.
They all point to certain death.
[Arthur] Thanks, Marv.
[distant thunder]
[crab] Ooh, ooh. Eee. Ooh, ooh.
[whine of spaceship plummeting]
- [crash]
- [crab] Whoo!
[crab] Whee! Whee!
[crab] Yeah! Yeah!
- Magrathea!
- [Ford] No, we're on the Vogon planet.
- Yes, it is. It's Magrathea!
- This is Vogsphere.
- Yeah, Magrathea. I know it.
- No, it's not.
- There is no Magrathea.
- Yes, it is.
- What are you doing?
- They took my head.
They have these
on Arcturan megafreighters.
They use them when
they need to concentrate.
- What is it?
- It's a thinking cap.
- [Ford] There you go.
- [pulsing stops]
Should give him some zest
for about ten minutes or so.
[Marvin] Now I'm feeling
much better about our predicament.
[Ford] I checked the Guide for how
to rescue a prisoner from Vogsphere.
It said don't.
I'm assuming you have a better plan.
Well, I kind of had this idea
that we could... Ow!
- Did anyone see that?
- See what?
- What was it?
- [Arthur] Uh...
Nothing, it's, uh, nothing.
It's just my imagination.
Okay, right. Now, everyone just stop
a minute, please, and look at me.
There's... definitely
something going on here.
Just... just watch.
Just watch.
Okay, I think we...
- Oooh!
- Ah-ha! You too!
Yeah, what was that?
I thi...
Zaphod, what do you think?
I think... Ow! Zarquon!
What was that? Jeez!
I'd make a suggestion,
but you wouldn't listen.
- No one ever does.
- [Ford] I have an idea.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, Ford!
Kill it! Get rid of it!
Okay, don't think.
Nobody think. No ideas.
No theories. No nothing.
[All] Ow!
This is crazy.
Trillian is in there somewhere.
- We need an idea to save her.
- [Zaphod] I have an ide...
- Ah! Run!
- Yeeaaghh!
[Zaphod imitates kung-fu cries]
[Arthur] Ooh! Ah!
[tram bell rings]
[Vogon] You're supposed to stop.
[police siren]
Okay, so I'm not thinking.
Not thinking. No ideas coming.
Okay, this isn't an idea
that has any merit at all,
but, Marvin, can you give me a hand?
Okay, where is she?!
Who, the director of robot arm repair?
Tricia Yggarstuk McMillanus
of... Blaard?
No, Tricia Marie McMillan of Earth.
Oh. Right.
[keys clank]
[computer squeaks and squeals]
Sorry, no record of Earth.
Galactic sector
ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha?
- Oh, yes.
- [Questular] She's lying.
She's skinny, and she's pretty,
and she's lying.
- Mmmm.
- [Vogon clerk] Here we are. Earth.
Oh. Um, "destroyed."
Um, do you have
a second home planet?
- Destroyed? That's impossible.
- That's what it says here.
Says it was destroyed to make way
for a hyperspace expressway.
[electronic pulses]
Who in their right mind
gives an order to destroy a planet?
- He said the gray building, right?
- All the buildings are gray.
"Give me a hand." Ha-ha, very funny.
How am I supposed to drive this pod
with one arm? Stupid human.
[Vogon clerk #2]
Go and fill that in.
Then, make sure, when you fill in
the facilitating form...
Leave this to me. I'm British.
I know how to queue.
[Vogon clerk #2]
If you'd fill that form in for me,
and return it as soon as possible.
- Writing implements to your left...
- You're President. Can you do anything?
Presidents don't have power. Their job
is to draw attention away from it.
Hey, how you doin'?
Hey, it's me, your President!
What's goin' on? Thanks for coming.
All right. I know that sponge.
All right!
- Next!
- President coming through.
How you doin', Pinhead?
No, really, it's me.
I love kabuki. Look at that.
- [Arthur] Out the way.
- [alien roars]
- Give us a kiss!
- [alien squeals]
Hi, I've come about
release of a prisoner.
Prisoner release form.
Oh, wha...?
I don't believe you.
These are the orders.
"Love and kisses"?!
Mm. Now, according
to the Galactic Penal Code,
the punishment for
a presidential kidnapping
is to be fed to
the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal.
Good day.
[Trillian] Ow, get off of me!
Ow! What the hell is that?
Ow, no, wait, wait! There's been
some kind of mistake. Ah!
- Tick all the boxes on the right.
- Right. Got it.
Not that one!
[Guide] What to do if you find yourself
stuck with no hope of rescue,
Consider how lucky you are
that life has been good to you so far,
Alternatively, if life
hasn 't been good to you so far,
which, given your current circumstances
seems more likely,
consider how lucky you are that
it won 't be troubling you much longer,
[T rillian growls]
Right, there we go.
Oh, kidnapping the President.
Oh, no, she's not eligible
for release at this time.
Okay. Right.
Look, this is the President.
- [Vogon] Oh!
- Okay. See, there?
He says the kidnapping business
was a horrible misunderstanding.
Oh, yeah.
[Arthur] She meant nothing by it.
He's ordering you to let her go.
But this isn't a presidential
release of prisoner form.
Those are blue.
- I'll stay here.
- All right. Hold that. Okay. Wai...
- [roars]
- [Trillian screams]
Oh, he's hungry today. [chuckles]
That's blue. Right.
- [Ford] I'm not a journalist.
- We're just hanging out.
Okay, this is, uh,
it's for Tricia McMillan.
Tricia McMillan. Mm. Okay.
[minion] Sir, it's a release form.
Thank you.
She's free to go.
- Release her.
- [Trillian screams]
Zaphod's here.
Well, then, uh, that's fine then.
Let's just go and get him.
Who are we waiting for again?
No, I'm serious.
- Tricia.
- [Zaphod] Trill.
- Hey, come on.
- You idiot!
You signed the order to destroy Earth.
- He did?
- I did?
Yes. "Love and kisses, Zaphod"?
You didn't even read it, did you?
Honey, I'm President of the Galaxy.
I don't get a lot of time for reading.
An entire planet, my home,
destroyed because you thought
they wanted your autograph.
- [Zaphod] They framed me!
- Are you an idiot?
- Trillian.
- You knew. Why didn't you tell me?
- He threatened me.
- Get a backbone, Arthur.
Oh, a backbone? What about coming here
to rescue you? Thank you. My idea. Oh!
- Got your arm.
- [Marvin] How considerate.
Right, then, all those lucky enough
to have two arms, hold tight.
Oh, the President tests my patience.
This time I shall pursue him myself.
Ready my ship.
Fantastic. At last.
[whistle sounds]
Oh. That's one hour for lunch,
I think I'll have soup today.
[Guide]The Encyclopedia Galactica,
in its chapter on love,
states that it is
far too complicated to define,
The Hitchhiker's Guide
to the Galaxy has this to say on love,
"Avoid, if at all possible, "
Arthur Dent has never read
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- No, come in.
I... I didn't...
Um, look, uh...
Trillian, I just wanted to say,
you were right,
I should've told you, and I understand
totally if you're angry with me.
Um, for what it's worth,
I know how you must be feeling...
- Can you hand me a towel?
- Yeah, sure, this...
Thank you.
[Arthur] Actually,
what I was going to say was...
...if I'd said yes to you
and gone to Madagascar,
then neither of us would be here now.
I just thought that might
count for something.
It doesn't matter.
[Arthur sighs]
[door sighs]
[door sighs]
All right, computer, take us to...
Where are we... Where we headed again?
Okay, I'm gonna get you
another lemon.
All right.
Engaging Improbability Drive,
[Ford] No, Zaphod, no.
Buttons are not toys. What did you do?
Magrathean coordinates accepted,
- [blast off]
- [squeaks]
- [blast off]
- [squeaks]
It blows my circuits to tell you
that we're in orbit,
at an altitude of 300 miles,
around the legendary planet
of Magrathea,
Magrathea! Magrathea!
- [sighs]
- [Zaphod] Unbelievable.
[Marvin] lncredible.
It's even worse
than I thought it would be.
[man] Greetings, This is a recorded
announcement as we are all out,
The Commercial Council of Magrathea
thanks you for your visit,
but regrets that the entire planet
is temporarily closed,
If you'd like to leave your name
and a planet where you can be contacted,
kindly do so at the tone,
- How can a planet be closed?
- Zarkin' A, cousin.
Okay, computer, keep going.
T ake us down.
[computer] I'd be happy to,
[electronic tone]
[message] It is gratifying
that your enthusiasm
for our planet continues unabated,
As a token of our appreciation,
we hope you will enjoy
the two thermo-nuclear missiles
we've just sent
to converge with your craft,
To ensure on-going quality of service,
your death may be monitored
for training purposes, Thank you,
[computer] I'm delighted to tell you
there are two nuclear missiles
heading right for us,
If you don 't mind,
I'm going to take evasive action,
[engines whoosh]
[shouts and cries]
[computer] Something 's jamming
my guidance system,
Impact minus 45 seconds,
Computer, do something!
[computer] Sure, Handing over
manual control, Good luck,
[brakes screech]
[missiles whoosh]
[Zaphod] I need some help.
I can't do this without my third arm.
- [clunk]
- Arthur, grab my hand!
[shouts and groans]
[engines roar]
- Did we lose 'em?
- No, they're coming right at us.
- Why don't I just press this?
- No, we're not back to normal yet.
- What will happen?
- I don't know.
Don't do it! We're here.
No telling where it'll send us.
- Sod it all.
- No!
Wow. Where are we?
Exactly where we were.
And the missiles?
Apparently, they've turned...
into a bowl of petunias.
- [clunk]
- And a very surprised-looking whale.
[computer] And an improbability factor
of 8, 767, 1 28 to 1 against,
We have norm... normality.
Normality, right. [coughs]
We can talk about normality
till the cows come home.
- What is normal?
- What's home?
What are cows?
A proper cup of tea
would restore my normality.
[Guide] It is important to note that
suddenly, and against all probability,
a sperm whale had been
called into existence
several miles above
the surface of an alien planet,
Since this is not a tenable
position for a whale,
this innocent creature had very little
time to come to terms with its identity,
This is what it thought as it fell:
Ah, whoa, what's happening? Who am I?
Why am I here? What's my purpose?
What do I mean by who am I?
Okay, Okay, calm down, get a grip now,
Ooh, this is an interesting sensation,
A sort of tingling in my,,,
I better start finding names for things,
Let's call it a tail, Yeah, tail,
What's this roaring sound whooshing past
what I'm gonna call my head?
Wind, Is that a good name? That'll do,
Yay, this is really exciting,
I'm dizzy with anticipation,
Or is it the wind?
There's a lot of that now,
And what's this thing coming towards me
very fast? So big and flat and round,
It needs a big wide-sounding name
like ow, ound, round, ground!
That's it, ground, I wonder if it will
be friends with me, Hello, ground,
[Guide] The only thing that went through
the mind of the bowl of petunias
as it fell was, "Oh, no, not again!"
Many have speculated that if we knew
why the petunias had thought that,
we should know a lot more about the
nature of the universe than we do now,
[wind blows]
[Arthur] What are those things?
[Ford] They're portals
to another dimension.
[Arthur] Right. I don't suppose this
portal has central heating, does it?
- [Zaphod mumbles]
- [Arthur sighs]
[Zaphod] Ah, this is the one.
[Marvin] This will all end in tears,
I just know it.
- Right here.
- [machine starts up]
- Hey! Whoa!
- [roaring wind]
Okay, in we go!
We can't just step into that... that!
We don't know where it leads.
If we pick the wrong one,
we just... we come back,
we pick another one. It's no biggie.
[Arthur] What? Yeah, it's a big biggie,
Ford. A big biggie.
What if it rips us all into
tiny little atomic particle thingies?
This is the right one. I have a hunch.
- Ford!
- His hunches are good.
Arthur, I say we go.
Go with the hunch of a man
whose brain is fuelled by lemons?!
[Arthur] This is suicide!
- I think I resent that.
- [Arthur] I don't care.
[Zaphod] I'm getting hostility
from you, Alex...
- Arthur!
- [Zaphod] Have you ever tried yoga?
[portal roars]
- Trillian!
- I think that's supposed to happen.
[High-pitched] She's gone!
Ford, she's gone!
Arthur, don't panic!
- Ford!
- [Zaphod] Hey, wait for me!
[Arthur whimpers]
Come on.
Idiot! Come on, come on,
come on, come on!
[coughs and splutters]
[groans and grunts]
No, no, no, don't leave.
Come on, come on, just start!
I told you this would end in tears.
[Arthur] Did you? Did you?
[Arthur breathes heavily]
[Zaphod from above] Geronimo!
Ooomph! [laughs]
Far out! Far out! Ha-ha!
This is it. This is it!
Deep Thought. I'm a-coming.
[Arthur chuckles] So, this is how
it's all going to end, is it?
Me, alone on a dead planet,
with a manically depressed robot.
You think you've got problems.
What if you are
a manically depressed robot?
[man] Excuse me.
- [Arthur] Aaaaagghhh!
- [man] Whoa, whoa.
- Who are you?
- No, uh, my name is not important.
Uh, you must come with me.
- Get away.
- [man] Terrible events are afoot.
Um, you... you must come
or you'll be late.
- [Arthur] Late? What for?
- What?
No, no. What's...
what's your name, Earthman?
- Dent. Arthur Dent.
- [man] Well...
Iate as in
"the late Dentarthurdent."
It's a sort of threat, do you see? No.
- No.
- [man] Your friends are safe.
- You can trust me.
- A man who won't tell me his name?
Okay, my name is, um... name is... is...
is... Slartibartfast.
I... I... I said it wasn't important.
Well... so my friends are safe?
Let me show you.
[Marvin] I could calculate your chances
of survival, but you won't like it.
Did you know we built planets?
Oh, yes, fascinating trade.
Doing the, um... doing the coastlines
was always my favorite.
We used to have endless fun doing the
little fiddly bits around the fjords.
But then the galactic economy collapsed,
and seeing that custom-built planets
are a... are a bit of
a luxury commodity...
Come with me because there's
been a terrible mix-up with your planet.
Best laid plans of mice, you know.
- And men.
- What?
Best laid plans of mice and men.
[laughs] Yes, well, I don't think men
have much to do with it. Here.
- [engine starting up]
- [beeps]
- [explosion]
- Um, I must warn you,
we're going to pass through,
well, a sort of gateway thing.
- Huh?
- It may disturb you.
It scares the willies out of me.
Aghh! Aghh!
[Slartibartfast] Ha, ha, ha.
Welcome to our factory floor.
[grunts and groans]
[Trillian] Okay.
[Zaphod] All right. All right.
Yeah, this is it.
This is it.
O great Deep Thought!
We have traveled long...
...and far.
Have you calculated
the ultimate question of life,
the universe and everything?
[Deep Thought yawns] No,
- [Zaphod] What?
- I've been watching TV,
I designed
another computer to do that,
Oh, right, I forgot. Is it here?
No, it's not here, It's another world,
It's on another world.
It is another world, stupid,
Or it was until the Vogons destroyed it
to make way
for a hyperspace expressway,
Well... Okay.
You sure you don't have the question,
or a way to, you know,
access it or something?
'Cause I think I've done
a lot to get here.
Oh, shh, shh, The show's back on,
Well, I don't wanna bother you,
so I'm gonna... Good stuff.
Great. I'm gonna go and find something
else for my entire life to be about.
[Ford] Zaphod, Zaphod,
there's the... the gun.
- Gun?
- That Humma sent you for.
- You gave him your head.
- Why'd l... Why'd I do that?
- Okay.
- That's stupid.
O Deep Thought,
we were told that there is a gun.
[crashing and rumbling]
[cart squeals]
- There you are.
- Hm?
Look familiar?
[Arthur] So it wasn't destroyed?
Actually, it was.
This is a backup. Earth Mark ll.
So you... you made the Earth?
[chuckles] Not me alone,
but l... I did my part.
Ever heard of a place,
I think it's called Norway?
That was one of mine.
I... I got an award for it.
[Arthur shrieks]
[Arthur's shrieks grow louder]
[Arthur] Oh, hoo!
[Slartibartfast] All right, Frank?
That's... that's Frank.
Ah-ha. They...
they've nearly finished the oceans.
[Ford] Zaphod.
Here, it's...'s just like Humma said.
- Now you can go get your head back.
- Hey, Ford.
It's been nice knowing you,
you zarking frood.
- No!
- [gun blast]
- Whoa!
- This is a bust too.
H... H... Hey, man. You know,
you must really be frustrated.
You go through all you have,
you don't get an answer,
which means no money or fame,
which you deserve...
[Guide] The Point-of-View Gun,
does precisely what its name suggests,
Fantastic. Fantastic. Fantastic.
[Guide] If you point it at
someone and pull the trigger,
they instantly see things
from your point of view,
Give me that thing.
It was designed by Deep Thought,
but commissioned by a consortium
of intergalactic angry housewives
who, after arguments
with their husbands,
were sick of ending
those arguments with the phrase,
"You just don't get it, do you?"
Uh, uh, and you're right,
I shouldn't be so upset
because life goes on, you know,
and I should just go on with it.
Shoot him again.
- [Zaphod] Whoa.
- [blast]
Hitchhiking's good. Towels are good too.
- [Zaphod] Say what?
- That is brilliant.
[Zaphod] What's goin'...?
I can see why Humma Kavula
would want one of these.
- We better get back. Arthur's waiting.
- Who cares?
I do. Especially since we're somewhat
of an endangered species, thanks to you.
[Zaphod] Why so edgy, baby doll? Relax.
- You wanna know why I'm edgy?
- [gun]
Argh. Of course you're edgy.
Your planet's been blown up
and you've been tooling around
with the guy who signed the order.
Ugh! You actually wanted
to know the question
because you always wondered
if there was more to life
and now you're crushed
because you find out there really isn't.
Hey, fantastic. [laughs] Psychedelic.
[fires again]
You've got no home, no family,
and you're stuck with me,
another in a long line of men
who doesn't really get you.
Huh? That's not true.
[fires twice more]
And you're worried you might have blown
it with the one guy who really does.
Hey, whoops.
Oh, baby doll.
Give me that thing.
[sighs] It won't affect me.
I'm already a woman.
[rumble of grating stone]
It's okay.
It's only a couple of little mice!
[huge rumbling]
[Slartibartfast] Voila!
Himalayas. Good, eh?
Earthman, you must realize
that the planet you lived on was
commissioned, paid for and run by mice.
When you say mice, do you mean
the little furry white creatures
with whiskers, ears, cheese?
Yeah, but they're protrusions into our
dimension of hyperintelligent beings.
I don't know this cheese
of which you speak,
but they were there on Earth
as mice experimenting on you.
I see where you've become confused now.
You see, we were experimenting on them.
Ah, no, well, yeah, no.
That's what they wanted you to think,
but you were actually
elements in their computer program.
[Arthur] Actually, this explains a lot.
All my life,
I've had this strange feeling
there's something big and sinister
going on in the world.
No, that's normal paranoia.
Everyone in the universe gets that.
Perhaps I'm old and tired,
but the chances of finding out
what's actually going on
are so absurdly remote
that the only thing to do is say hang
the sense of it and keep yourself busy.
I'd much rather be happy
than right any day.
- And are you?
- Uh... no.
[laughs] That's where
it all falls down, of course.
Here you are then.
Is this...?
It's, um... It's all there.
You know, it all works.
Welcome home.
[all cheer]
- Hey!
- Hey, man!
- There you are!
- Surprise!
What are you doing?
What happened to you?
Is that tea?
- First, our hosts attacked us.
- Right.
But then they made up for it
by making us...
[tearfully]...this amazing meal.
It's so... Everything's right.
Everything's delicious.
Oh, come on, that's lovely.
We're glad you like it, Earth creature.
[chuckles nervously]
The, um, talking... talking mice. Cool.
- Sit, Earthman.
- Oh, thank you. Thank you for that.
- Please, drink.
- Um, uh, excuse me.
- Uh, is there anything else?
- No, we're quite happy, thank you.
Um, good, I'll be outside, so...
You were right.
- [Mouse] Please, drink.
- Yes.
He was right.
Now, to business.
[both] To business!
[firmly] Eat!
- Shh.
- Sorry.
[Mouse] We've spent a lot of time
on your planet
Iooking for this ultimate question.
Only to have it blow up
in our faces. Literally.
Which is why you're here.
We've been offered a lucrative contract
to do several 5-D TV chat shows.
But here's the point.
We must have product.
We need the ultimate question,
or one that sounds ultimate.
- Of course.
- We've rebuilt the planet.
Now all we need
is the missing piece of the puzzle.
- Which happens to be your brain.
- Right.
[Mouse] More tea?
Sorry, did you just say
you need my brain?
Yes, to complete the program.
You can't have my brain. I'm using it.
- Hardly.
- Hardly? Cheeky... Cheeky mouse.
Zaphod! Trillian!
- [whirring]
- Ford.
What was in that food?
What was in my tea?
Don't worry. You won't feel a thing.
[grunts and whimpers]
Just wait a sodding minute.
You want a question
that goes with the answer 42?
What about, what's 6x7?
Or, um, uh, how many Vogons
does it take to change a light bulb?
Here's one: how many roads
must a man walk down?
Hey, that's not bad.
Fine. Fine, take it, 'cause my head
is filled with questions,
and no answer to any one of them
has ever brought me
one iota of happiness.
Except for one.
The one. The only question
I've ever wanted an answer to.
Is she the one?
The answer bloody well isn't 42,
it's yes.
Undoubtedly, unequivocally,
unabashedly, yes.
And for one week,
one week in my sad little...
blip of an existence... made me happy.
That's a good answer.
[mouse] We don't want to be happy.
We want to be famous.
- What's this "ls she the one" tripe?
- Take his brain!
No, don't take the brain!
Don't take the brain, mice!
- [screams]
- It wasn't me!
- [gibbers]
- [Zaphod] I'm famous.
Shoot him, quickly, shoot him!
Oh, bollocks!
I'm gonna be sick.
[coughs] Belgium.
[voices, vibrations]
Follow me.
[Vogons] Left, right, left, right.
[Marvin] Thanks a lot
for leaving me behind.
Though I can't say I blame you.
Mr President,
we're here for your protection.
Thanks, man. I appreciate it.
No! No!
[Marvin] What's all the fuss about?
Vogons are the worst marksmen
in the galaxy. Ooh.
- For God's sake, stop!
- Cease fire.
Now I've got a headache...
headache... headache...
[Zaphod] Oh, no.
- [Ford's battle shriek]
- He's got a towel, run away!
I'm gonna get us outta here.
How do you drive this thing?
We need that gun.
Come on. Get this ship started.
Come on. Start!
Come on. Oh, fire, fire!
Fire, fire!
[Arthur] Oo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo!
[Vogon] He's locked it
from the other side.
We'll have to go the other way.
Come on, let's go!
[Arthur] Oh, no!
[Zaphod] Stop it! Stop it!
Stop shooting at us!
[shooting stops]
Oh, I feel so depressed.
[Vogons groan]
I can't face another day.
What's the point?
- You all right?
- Yeah.
Sorry about your spaceship, Arthur.
[Vogons groan]
Marvin, you saved our lives.
I know. Wretched, isn't it?
You got to ask yourself,
what's the point?
[workman] Take it away.
You could do all of that, but it's not
gonna...Well, I'll ask... I'll just ask.
I... I... I've just been informed
by some of the lads
that since we're so near completion,
we're gonna go ahead and finish Earth.
We, well, we can put it back exactly
as it was when you left, you know.
Unless there's, um...
...there's, you know,
anything you want to change.
Something you think
your planet could do without.
Yeah. Me.
Oh! Um, hello?
No, as is. Yep, leave it. Yep.
Let's go somewhere.
Definitely. Where did you have in mind?
I know this great restaurant
at the end of the universe.
I am a little peckish.
I need to go to Humma's.
He's got something of mine.
- I think. I'm so confused.
- Don't worry, baby. We'll sort it out.
All right, let's trip the
light fantastic, baby. Just you and me.
Come on.
- You got your towel?
- Yeah. Why? Am I going to need it?
- Only always.
- Right. Yeah.
I wouldn't want to go
anywhere without my wonderful towel.
Okay. Hold tight.
[speaker] Stand by for commencement
of life cycle, In three, two, one,,,
[Zaphod] All right! Whoo!
[Marvin] Not that
anyone cares what I say,
but the restaurant
is at the other end of the universe.
[screech of brakes]
[accelerating engines]
So long and thanks for all the fish
So sad that it should come to this
We tried to warn you all but, oh, dear
You may not share our intellect
Which might explain your disrespect
For all the natural wonders
that grow around you
So long, so long
and thanks,,, for all the fish
The world's about to be destroyed
There's no point getting all annoyed
Lie back and let the planet dissolve
Despite those nets of tuna fleets
We thought that most of you were sweet
Especially tiny tots
and your pregnant women
So long, so long,
so long, so long, so long
So long, so long,
so long, so long, so long
So long, so long
and thanks,,, for all the fish
Y eah!
Play it!
So long and thanks for all the fish
So sad that it should come to this
We tried to warn you all but, oh, dear
Oh, dear
Despite those nets of tuna fleets
We thought that most of you were sweet
Especially tiny tots
and your pregnant women
So long, so long,
so long, so long, so long
So long, so long,
so long, so long, so long
So long, so long
and thanks for all the fish
For all the fish
[Guide] It is, of course, well known
that careless talk costs lives,
But the full scale of the problem
is not always appreciated,
For instance, at the very moment
that Arthur Dent said,
"I wouldn't want to go anywhere
without my wonderful towel"
a freak wormhole opened up in
the fabric of the space-time continuum
and carried his words far,
far back in time,
across almost infinite reaches of space,
to a distant galaxy
where strange and warlike beings
were poised on the brink
of frightful interstellar battle,
The two opposing leaders, resplendent
in their black-jeweled battle shorts
were meeting for the last time,
when a dreadful silence fell,
And at that very moment,
the words "I wouldn 't want to go
anywhere without my wonderful towel"
drifted across the conference table,
Unfortunately, in their native tongue,
this was the most appalling
insult imaginable,
So the opposing battle fleets
decided to settle
their remaining differences,
in order to launch
a joint attack on our galaxy,
now positively identified
as the source of the offending remark,
For thousands of years,
the mighty starships tore across
the empty wastes of space and finally
dived screaming onto the planet Earth,
where, due to
a terrible miscalculation of scale,
the entire battle fleet was
accidentally swallowed by a small dog,
Those who study the complex
interplay of cause and effect
in the history of the universe,
say that this sort of thing
is going on all the time