The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (2005) Movie Script

It's an important and popular fact
what they seem.
man had always assumed
species occupying the planet,
instead of the third most intelligent.
were dolphins, who, curiously enough,
destruction of the planet Earth.
to alert mankind,
were misinterpreted
or whistle for tidbits.
leave Earth by their own means.
was misinterpreted
to do a backward somersault
through a hoop, whistling|The Star-Spangled Banner.
In fact, the message was this:
- So long and thanks for all the fish.
[Up tempo drum intro to big band number]
and thanks for all the fish
# So sad that it should come to this
# We tried to warn you all but, oh, dear
# You may not share our intellect
# Which might explain your disrespect
that grow around you
and thanks... for all the fish
# Your world's about to be destroyed
getting all annoyed
dissolve around you
# Despite those nets of tuna fleets
most of you were sweet
and your pregnant women
so long, so long, so long
[female chorus] # So long, so long
so long and thanks for all the fish
# If I had just one last wish
# I would like a tasty fish
# If we could just change one thing
# We would all have learnt to sing
# Come one and all
# Man and mammal
# Side by side
# In life's great gene pool!
# So long, so long, so long
[female chorus] # So long, so long
and thanks for all the fish! #
[cock crows]
[Male narrator] The extraordinary story|"of" The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
begins very simply.
It begins with a man.
An Earthman, to be precise.
Who no more knows his destiny,
of the East India Company.
His name is Arthur Dent.
ape descendant
a bypass through his house.
What do I want you to do about it?|Find him
and tell him I'm currently lying|flat on my back in front of...
Fine, I'll hold.
You can't lie in front|of the bulldozers for ever.
I'm game. We'll see who rusts first.
This bypass has got to be built|and it is going to be built.
- Why has it got to be built?|- It's a bypass.
You've got to build bypasses. Besides,|you should've protested months ago.
The plans have been on display|at the planning office for a year.
On display?|I had to go down to a cellar.
Mr Dent, have you any idea how much|damage this bulldozer would suffer
if I just let it roll straight over you?
- How much?|- None at all.
none at all
ape-descendant Arthur had
that one of his closest friends
but was, in fact, from a small planet
somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse.
Arthur! Arthur!
- [Arthur] Ford!|- Yes?
Ah, there you are!
[Ford] Eat, drink. We gotta talk.
Now's not the best time.|They're going to demolish my home.
Whoa! You already...|You already know? How?
What do you m?
Oh, they, they? When you say|"they" you mean they? Got it.
Listen. I got somethin' important|I gotta tell you. Right now.
Well, what about my house?
[Ford] Workers of the Earth, I bring|good tidings of peanuts and beer!
[Workers' excited chatter]
- Good. Let's go to the pub.|- Huh?
They won't demolish it|until they've finished the beers.
- Can we trust 'em?|- To the end of the Earth.
- How far's that?|- About 12 minutes away.
Barman, six pints of bitter and quickly.|The world's about to end.
Barman, six pints of bitter and quickly.|The world's about to end.
Six pints coming up.
[Ford] Keep the change.|You got about ten minutes to spend it.
Three pints each? At lunchtime?
[Loud gulping]
Sorry. Ah. Time is an illusion.
Lunchtime, doubly so.
And eat those peanuts,|because you'll need the salt.
- Look, what is going on, Ford?|- Arthur...
What if I told you|I really wasn't from Guildford?
I was from a small planet|somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse?
Is that something|you're likely to say?
Remember when we met?
- [Ford mimics car]|- [Car horn]
[Arthur] Out the way!
- [Arthur] Oof!|- Hi.
Wasn't it strange I was trying|to shake hands with a car?
I assumed you were drunk.
I thought cars were the dominant|life form. I was introducing myself.
You saved my life. And now|I'm saving yours. Please drink.
It must be Thursday. I could never get|the hang of Thursdays.
- If this is about your house...|- No, it's not about the house.
- [phone beeps]
- [Ford] Who's he?|- [Arthur] She. She.
Tricia McMillan.|We met at a fancy-dress party.
[Arthur] I hate those kind of parties.
and ironed my hankies.
- But there I was.|- [Tricia] Who are you?
- And there she was.
- Uh, Dent. Arthur Dent.|- Oh, no. I mean, who are you?
Oh, the costume? Right.|"Livingstone, I presume!"
Yeah, it's not as clever as Darwin,|but the best I could do at short notice.
You're the first to get that right.
- [Arthur] Really?|- Yes. Everyone calls me Santa.
- Right.|- I thought the beagle was a giveaway.
So did I.
People at these parties|are drunken idiots.
- What?|- [Music stops]
[Arthur] All these people are idiots!|God!
[Tricia laughs]
That's awkward.
[Arthur] Tell me.
She was amazing though, Ford.
Beautiful, witty, mad as a balloon.
[Arthur] Uh, without the beard,|you look at least 80 years younger.
Maybe I'm de-evolving.
[Both laugh]
[Arthur] Well, I should tell you|that I do not date
single-celled organisms, okay?
Let's go somewhere.
Yeah. Definitely.|Um, where do you have in mind?
- Madagascar.|- Is that that new club on Dean Street?
No, it's a country|off the coast of Africa.
That Madagascar?|Why are we waiting here?
- Wait a sec.|- [Tricia laughs]
God, you're serious.|Um, I can't go to Madagascar.
- Why not?|- [Arthur] Because, I just, you know...
- You're serious?|- Yeah.
I want to go somewhere I've never been|and I'd like to go with you, so...
...what do you say, Dr Livingstone?
I say that's|an extraordinary proposition.
I can't go. I mean, I've got a job.
Quit. Get a new one|when you come back.
I don't even know your real name.|Ow! Ow!
- Tricia McMillan.|- Well, Tricia McMillan.
Um, I have a proposition for you.
Why don't we go somewhere|a little closer first, say Cornwall,
and we'll see how it goes.
Right, of course, Cornwall.
[Man] Hey, excuse me.
Is this guy boring you?
Why don't you talk to me instead?
I'm from a different planet.
It's true. You want to see my spaceship?
[Tricia laughs]
"Do you want to see my spaceship?"|What kind of chat-up line is that?
Mm, that does happen.
- [electronic bleeps]
We've got two minutes.|Drink up.
- [Rumbling]|- That's my house.
People of Earth, a round of drinks,|for everyone, on me.
[Barman] You really think|the world's going to end?
Shouldn't we lie down, or put a paper|bag over our heads, or something?
- If you like.|- Will it help?
Not at all. See you.
[Barman] Last orders!
[Workmen shouting]
[Engines whir]
- [Workman] What is that?|- [Workman #2] Run!
[Workman #3] Look out!
[Shouts and screams]
Aha! Towel!
What the hell are those things?
[Ford] Yeow! They're ships|from a Vogon constructor fleet.
I picked up their signal this morning.|You'll need this.
- [Arthur] What are you doing?|- We're hitching a ride.
Um, people of Earth,
this is Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz of the|Galactic Hyperspace Planning Council.
As you are probably aware,
plans for the development of the|outlying regions of the galaxy
involve the building of a hyperspace|express route through your star system.
scheduled for demolition.
[Sheep bleat]
acting surprised about it.
The plans have been on display
in Alpha Centauri for 50 Earth years.
local affairs, that's your lookout.
Apathetic bloody planet.
I've no sympathy at all.
[Harsh alien speech]
[Electric discharge]
[Arthur screams]
[Arthur screams]
[Narrator/Guide]|The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
is a wholly remarkable book.
certainly the most successful,
corporations of Ursa Minor.
More popular than|The Celestial Homecare Omnibus,
better selling than|53 More Things to Do in Zero Gravity,
Oolon Colluphid's trilogy
of philosophical blockbusters,|Where God Went Wrong,
Some More of God's Greatest Mistakes,
"and" Who Is This God Person Anyway?
It's already supplanted|"the" Encyclopedia Galactica
of all knowledge and wisdom
for two important reasons.
First, it's slightly cheaper,
"Don't Panic"
friendly letters on its cover.
So you're not from Guildford?
Which would explain the accent,|which I've always wondered about.
Um, you're not an out-of-work actor,
but rather a writer for this,|this book thing.
- [electronic buzzing]|- [Ford] Good, huh?
I don't feel well.|I need a cup of tea.
If I asked where we were,|would I regret it?
- [Ford] We're safe for now.|- [Arthur] Good.
We're in the washroom on one of the|ships of the Vogon constructor fleet.
- Oh, get me home, Ford.|- Arthur, your home is...
Oh, God, my home.|My home was demolished.
[Hollow clang]
You don't remember.
Okay, Arthur, I've got something to tell|you. It's unfortunate, but it's true.
Your home planet has been blown up.
- Huh, blown up.|- [Ford grunts]
Couldn't you have done something?
I saved your life.|Okay, that makes us even.
It's a tough galaxy. If you want|to survive out here, you've...
...gotta know where your towel is.
Okay, give me a hand over here.
Careful. It's hot.|We've gotta get off this ship.
Before the Vogons find us.
Vogons, they hate hitchhikers. Pull.
- [Arthur] Huh?|- [Steam hisses]
[Ford laughs]
- Now we'll get a signal.|- What is a Vogon?
Ask the Guide. Say "Vogons".
- "[electronic chimes]"|- Vogons.
most unpleasant races in the galaxy.
bureaucratic, officious and callous.
to save their own grandmothers
of Traal without orders
sent in, sent back,
subjected to public inquiry,
in soft peat for three months
and recycled as firelighters.
a Vogon to read poetry to you.
[Ford] They can't think or imagine.|Most can't spell. They just run things.
And if we don't get a ride soon,
we won't need the Guide to tell us|how unpleasant the Vogons are.
They've already destroyed|a planet today.
That always makes them a little eee!
[Loudspeaker: Unintelligible shouting]
Ughh! What is that?
- Put this in your ear.|- Huh?
[Arthur gibbers]
picked up a couple of hitchhikers.
The fish is translating for you.
is small, yellow, leech-like,
in the universe.
absorbing unconscious frequencies,
of conscious frequencies
to the speech centers of the brain.
if you stick one in your ear,
anything said to you in any language.
[Rumbling, crashing]
Resistance is useless.
- [Arthur] All right.|- [Vogon] Someone's coming.
[Vogon #2] Here we go. Look lively.
[Rumble and crash of doors]
[Vogon grunts]
[Vogons chatter]
[Crab] Wheee!
- [Vogon grunts]|- [Crab squeaks]
- [Squeak]|- [Vogon] Ha, ha!
[All shriek]
[Door clangs]
- [Vogon Jeltz] Hmmm.|- [Vogon minion] Sir.
- [Vogon Jeltz] What?|- [Vogon minion] Hitchhikers.
[Vogon Jeltz groans]
[Bell rings]
[Brakes grind]
[Vogon Jeltz groans]
[Ford gibbers]
[Vogon Jeltz clears throat]
"O freddled gruntbuggly..."
No, really, you don't have to read.
We've put you through|enough trouble already.
" plerdled gabbleblotchits|on a lurgid bee."
as the third worst in the universe.
is that of the Azgoths of Kria.
Poet Master, Grunthos the Flatulent,
of his poem|Ode to a Small Lump of Green Putty
I Found in my Armpit|One Midsummer Morning,
died of internal hemorrhaging,
Mid-Galactic Arts Nobbling Council
one of his own legs off.
"Or I will rend thee|in the gobberwarts..."
- ...with my blurgle...
by Paula Millstone Jennings of Sussex.
when the Earth was.
"See if I don't." Yeah.
[Vogons chortle]
So, Earthlings,|I present you with a choice.
Either die in the vacuum of space,
or tell me what you thought of my poem.
[Vogons chuckle]
A... a... actually, I rather liked it.
- [Jeltz] Hmm?|- [Ford] Yeah.
- That's good. Run with it.|- Hmmm.
Uh, some of the words|I didn't understand,
but I found the imagery quite effective.
Well, uh, yes,|interesting rhythmic devices,
which seemed to counterpoint
the underlying metaphor|of the humanity of...
- Vogonity!|- Vogonity, sorry, vogonity...
of the poet's soul.
[Vogons murmur]
So what you're saying is,
I write poetry because
underneath this mean,|callous, heartless exterior,
I just want to be loved?
[Whispers] Yes, yes, yes.
Yes, yes, yeah, please.
Ahh, ooh, ooh, mmm.
Throw them off the ship!
- [Ford] No! No!|- Ford. Ford!
All right! All right!
[Vogon guard] Resistance is useless!
Shut up! Get a job!|Wash your filthy hands!
Don't panic. Don't panic.
[Arthur] So this is it?|We're going to die?
Yeah, we're gonna die.
No, no, what's this?
What is this?
What's this? This is... nothing.|Yeah, we're gonna die.
[Arthur sighs]
[Hollow clang]
[Arthur sighs]
- [phone beeps]|- [Arthur grunts]
You're sweating.
[Arthur chuckles]
- [Ford] Would you like a hug?|- [Arthur] No.
[Noises stop]
[Guide] "Space," says the introduction|"to" The Hitchhiker's Guide,
"is big. Really big."
hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. "
A... a... and so on.
if you hold a lungful of air,
of space for about 30 seconds.
But with space being really big and all,
within that time
are two to the power of two billion,
79 million, 460 thousand,
347 to one against.
By a staggering coincidence,
of the Islington flat,
where Arthur went to a fancy dress party
whom he totally blew it with.
the Islington flat and telephone
and Arthur were, in fact, rescued.
- [Arthur] Ford?|- [Ford] Yes.
- [Arthur] I think I'm a sofa.|- [Ford] I know how you feel.
[Both scream]
So much for the laws of physics.
[TV woman] And our top story.
coveted ship in the universe,
the starship Heart of Gold.
by none other
Zaphod Beeblebrox.
and, uh... democracy, stuff like that,
and I'm taking the ship with me. Whoo!
- [crowd gasps]
universally considered
in several solar systems,
defeat of Humma Kavula
voting for the worst-dressed being
in the universe contest.
for his slanderous
"Don't Vote for Stupid!" campaign.
[Woman] Put your ego aside.|Something important has happened.
If there's anything more important than|my ego, I want it caught and shot now.
Come on, I love it.
[TV] Zaphod's just this guy, you know.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. What d'you?
- I was just watching myself.|- We have a couple of hitchhikers.
Hitchhikers?|Why'd you pick up hitchhikers?
I didn't. The ship did.
[Zaphod] What? Wh... wh... Say what?
When we engaged the|lmprobability Drive... The big button.
- [Zaphod] I know.|- They were picked up here.
In sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha. Wait.|That's where you picked me up.
- On Earth.|- That's impossible.
- No, just very improbable.|- Listen. I don't have time for this.
We've got the police of half the galaxy|after us. We've stopped for hitchhikers.
So ten out of ten for style, but...
...minus several million|for good thinking.
You're too gorgeous, baby, stop it.|You drive me crazy.
Don't. I'll send Marvin.
- Marvin.|- [Whirring]
[Marvin] You ought to know,|I'm feeling very depressed.
Well, we have something|that should take your mind off things.
[Marvin] It won't work.|I have an exceptionally large mind.
Yeah, we know. But we need you to go|down to the number two entry bay
and pick up our stowaways|and bring them up here.
[Marvin] Just that? I won't enjoy it.
Yeah, well, that's life.
[Marvin] Life?|Don't talk to me about life.
- [radio] Commander Kwaltz.|- [Kwaltz] Yes.
Heart of Gold and President Beeblebrox.
- Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha.
Requesting hyperspace clearance.
Hold your position, captain,|until clearance is granted.
- Yes, sir.|- Get me Vice-President Questular.
Hyperspace permission granted, captain.
[Vogon crewman] Here we go.
- [Engines roar]|- [Vogons scream]
[Whoosh of engines]
[Door sighs]
[Door sighs]
I think that door just sighed.
[Marvin] Ghastly, isn't it?
All the doors have been programmed
to have a cheerful|and sunny disposition.
Anyway, come on. I've been ordered|to take you up to the bridge.
Please yourselves.
Here I am,|brain the size of a planet,
and they ask me to take you|up to the bridge.
Call that job satisfaction?|'Cause I don't.
You can thank the Sirius Cybernetics|Corp. For building robots with G.P.P.
- [Arthur] What's G.P. P?|- [Marvin] Genuine People Personalities.
I'm a personality prototype.|You can tell, can't you?
[Electronic bleeps]
- [bleeps]|- [Woman] Arthur?
my underwear? 'Cause I'm wearing yours.
Come on. All right.
- [Door sighs]|- [Marvin] Oh, for heaven's sake.
I've brought the aliens.|Don't thank me or anything.
[Zaphod] Ah-ha! Ow!
- Freeze!|- [Ford squeals]
[Marvin] Freeze?|I'm a robot. Not a refrigerator.
- I wasn't talking to you, Giggles.|- [Marvin] Oh, why do I bother?
- Zaphod?|- Ford!
[Zaphod] Is that you?|Ford! Praxibetel lx!
What the hell are you doing here?
I just stuck out my thumb and here I am.
- [Zaphod] That is so you.|- [Ford] Look at you!
President of the Galaxy.|I can't believe you beat Humma Kavula.
[Zaphod] You zarkin' frood.
I want you to meet a friend.|Arthur, this is Zaphod Beeblebrox.
President of the Galaxy. This is my|cousin. He's a semi-half brother...
- We share three of the same mothers.|- We've met.
[Laughs] Have we? I'm sorry.|I've got a terrible memory for species.
This is him, Ford. The would-you-like-|to-see-my-spaceship bloke.
- Hmm.|- Yeah.
- Hello, Arthur.|- Tricia!
- How you doin'?|- Hey, Trillian.
This is my semi-half-brother lx,|I'm sorry, Ford.
- Hi.|- Hi.
Um, would you excuse us|for a second, please?
You went down on that little planet|and didn't call me?
Sorry, I didn't know.|I had a galaxy to run.
[Arthur] Hi, Tricia McMillan, right?
I think he called you Trillian.|Which of us got the right one?
I shortened it.|Something a little more spacey.
Right. I was thinking|of changing mine to,
I don't know, Arthoolia.
[Laughs] That's a good one.|Well, this is weird.
- How'd you get here?|- I just stuck out my thumb.
- Right. In your pajamas?|- I was in a hurry.
Okay. Did you know I was here?
Don't flatter yourself.|I've got a spaceman too.
Yeah, that's kinda like|the Dingo Shuffle, yeah.
Okay, um, look.
I left you at the party. I feel bad, but|I was gonna call you when I got back.
Well, there is no|going back now, is there?
You do know what happened?
Enough small talk.|We're on the run, remember?
Excuse me, we're having a chat.
Well, I think the girl's getting...|Boo!
You blew it with her, Earthman, so shut|your face or I'll kick you in the zatch.
- You wanna fight?|- Okay.
- No. No.|- I'm just kidding.
I'm a kidder. Let's be friends.|Let's connect. You and I.
Didn't see that one coming, did you?
Popped right out of the box.|You foxy, yeah!
Teach your pal a lesson, Ford.|He's a guest on my ship.
[Sings] He's a guest on my ship!
I thought you said you stole it.
Stole what?|What are we talking about?
- [electronic klaxon]|- Whoa! That doesn't sound good.
- Are you okay?|- Just fabulous, thanks, "Trill".
A little help over here.|I'm in over my head.
I'll take care of this. Good Zarquon,|do I have to do everything?
[Laughing] Yes, I do!
Hey, this is really pretty.
- Don't!|- Whoo! They're on our tail.
Fire a gun. Launch a missile.|Do some damage!
[Engines roar]
Ow! Stop that! Ow!
Just kiddin'. I love it rough. Hit me.
- [computer] Hi, there.
I'm Eddie, your computer.
a fleet of 100 Vogon battle destroyers.
They're sending you a message.
This is Vice-President Questular Rontok.
of the President?
[Zaphod] She digs me.
Surrender the stolen vessel at once
as defined and permitted by...
Space Bylaws...
This is ridiculous.
Leap to hyperspace! Come on!
[Computer] Sure thing, fella!
[Engines fire up]
Did they have proper|hyperspace authorization?
- No, commander.|- Oh.
Bring me the request|to pursue fugitive forms.
- [Messenger] I'm coming, sir.|- [Footsteps]
[Panting] I'm boiling!|Oh, oh. Here's the form, sir.
So are you along for the ride|or am I just dropping you somewhere?
That depends. Where are you going?
Where am I going?
- You okay?|- Yeah. Don't suppose there's any tea.
Yes, there is. Come on.|I'll show you the kitchen.
When you see what I'm about to show you,|you'll beg me to take you with us.
is the Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster,
brains smashed out by a slice of lemon
wrapped round a large gold brick.
[Both scream]
- Belgium. Hold it one second.|- Belgium.
Ape-man, Earth dude, sorry,|what's your name again?
- [Coughs] Arthur.|- Right. Gorgeous.
No hard feelings, okay?|Sorry to hear about your planet...
- Earth.|- Yeah. I liked Earth.
Got these boots there.|But don't mention it to the girl.
Because if you do... I'll pull your|spleen out through your throat.
- All right. Thanks, buddy.|- Okay.
Good stuff. Like those jammies.
Hey, hey, Zaphod,|what's with the two-head thing?
Oh, yeah. Apparently, you can't be|president with a whole brain.
It's crazy.
- Oh, so you carved it up?|- Yes.
Parts of my personality weren't exactly|what you'd call presidential.
You know what I'm talkin' about.
[Drinks machine] Your tea is ready.
I suppose I should've said|it resembles tea. [laughs]
So, two heads|is what does it for a girl?
I mean, if I'd had two heads,|or three...
Or your own spaceship.
Anything else he's got two of?
Come on, Arthur, don't be like that.
What am I supposed to be like?|Green? Bleeping?
I can fold my eyelids|inside out if you like.
Okay, look. Do you see this?
This detects what you're craving|and makes it for you.
[Machine] Enjoy your doughnut.
- [buzzing]
This toasts bread|while you're slicing it.
We're on a spaceship, Arthur. In space.
- I told you I wanted to get away.|- To Madagascar.
That was... some sort of test.|And I failed.
- How badly does it hurt?|- It doesn't feel great.
No, I mean your chin.
- Ah...|- I might have an aspirin.
- [Mice squeak]|- Hey!
Tricia... Trillian, sorry.|There's something I have to tell you.
- Please, don't.|- [Zaphod] Showtime, Trill.
I'm going to set up.|Buttons aren't toys.
Buttons aren't toys.
Anyway... When I saw|what I'm about to show you,
that's when I realized|why I had to do what I did to my brain.
I think. It's all a little...
[Electronic whirring]
[Marvin] I've seen it. It's rubbish.
[Marvin] I've seen it. It's rubbish.
[Trumpet fanfare]
[Guide] Many millions of years ago,
pan-dimensional beings
bickering about the meaning of life,
two of their brightest and best
a stupendous super-computer
the universe and everything.
O Deep Thought,
we want you to tell us the answer.
[Deep Thought] The answer to what?
[Girl #2] The answer to life,|the universe, everything.
[Girl #1] We'd really like an answer.|Something simple.
Hmm, I'd have to think about that.
Return to this place in exactly|seven-and-a-half million years.
- [Ford] Is it finished?|- No, there's more. They go back.
- Seven-and-a-half million years later?|- That's right, they do.
[Cheering, trumpets]
Deep Thought, do you have...
Yes, but you're not going to like it.
- All right.
The answer to the ultimate question...
and everything...
... is...
... 42.
[Man] Yeah? What?
[Woman] 42?
quite thoroughly. It's 42.
to have known what the question was.
But it was the question.|The ultimate question. Of everything!
That's not a question.
will you know what the answer means.
- I can't. But there is one who can.
the ultimate question.
A computer of such infinite complexity,
of its operational matrix.
more primitive forms,
navigate its 10-million-year program.
and it shall be called...
- That's it?|- That's it.
[Ford] You're looking for|the ultimate question? You? Why?
[Zaphod] I tried that.|Why? 42. Doesn't work.
- Let's get it ready, baby.|- Why... you want to know|the ultimate question?
Partly curiosity,|partly a sense of adventure,
but, uh, mostly I think|it's for the fame and the money.
You're President of the Galaxy.
- [Zaphod] Yes, Arman.|- Arthur.
Whatever.|Presidential fame is temporary.
I find the question, that's permanent.|It sticks.
Plus, everyone thinks you're deep.|Win-win.
We just hit that button and bam,|we're at Magrathea, I think.
We've hit it twice and|we're still not there, but anyway...
- You in?|- Always.
- [Zaphod] All right!|- [Marvin] Uh, I want to get off.
- Uh, sorry, what exactly are we doing?|- This!
is a wonderful new method
in a few seconds,
mucking about in hyperspace.
reaches infinite improbability,
point in every conceivable universe
almost simultaneously.
where you'll end up
when you get there.
to dress accordingly.
research into finite improbability
often used to break the ice at parties
in the hostess's undergarments
leap one foot to the left
the theory of indeterminacy.
wouldn't stand for that sort of thing,
partly because it debased science,
invited to those sort of parties.
[Squeaks and clangs]
[Engines rumble]
[Zaphod] Wow, is this gonna happen|every time we hit that button?
[Trillian] Very probably, yes.
[Marvin] Ah, I think|the Earthman's about to be sick.
[Zaphod] In the trashcan, ape-man.|This ship's new.
Aw, come on!
[Trillian] We have normality.
Did it work? Are we there?
Yeah. We're here. Magrathea!
I don't think so. Eddie...
- Ow!|- What planet is this?
[Eddie] I'm checking for you.
Did you just pluck|one of my hairs? Off my head?
Sorry to disappoint,
but this is not Magrathea.
the planet Viltvodle Six.
- [Squelch]|- Humma Kavula!
Magrathea's gonna have to wait.|I got a score to settle on this planet.
- [Engines roar]|- [Zaphod] Humma Kavula!
the universe was created.
and is widely regarded as a bad move.
[Crowd shouting]
by some sort of god,
of Viltvodle Six
was sneezed out of the nose of a being
called the Great Green Arkleseizure.
[Zaphod] Humma Kavula!
who lived in fear
Coming of the Great White Handkerchief,
with more than 50 arms each.
the only race in history
the aerosol deodorant before the wheel.
Mr President!
Hey, all right. How you doin'?
Hey, what have we here? I love it!
Hey, I love you. Fantastic!
You guys related? Don't go changing.
Arthur, I want a drink.
I think I've been here before.|Have I been here before?
[Women] Ixxie!
- I've been here before.|- [Zaphod] Humma Kavula!
Come on.
Tricia! Tricia, I...
with eager expectation
to bring us back to Thee
Hello, Humma.
- [Priest] Join us. Sit down.|- Good to see you. Thanks. All right.
[Humma] The handkerchief is coming.
Let us pray the Almighty will exhale|a breath of compassion on us all.
So that's Humma Kavula.|I thought he was just swearing.
We lift our noses, clogged and unblown,
in reverence to you.
Send the handkerchief, O Blessed One,|so that it may wipe us clean.
We ask this and all things|in Thy precious and alliterative name.
[All sneeze]
[All sniffle]
Bless you.
- [Door bangs]|- [Zaphod] We goin' in here?
All right, I like it. It's big,|it's gold, it's fancy. Fancy pants.
[Humma] Zaphod Beeblebrox,|our infamous President.
What brings you to our humble planet?
[Zaphod] Oh, I think you know|why I'm here.
No, I don't think I do.
I think you think you don't.|But we both know... you do.
Eloquent as always.
Your ability to articulate|never ceases to amaze.
[Zaphod] That's funny.|During the campaign, Humma,
when you were my opponent|running against me,
you said I was stupid.
The election is ancient history,|Zaphod, but...
...if memory serves, you won,
proving that good looks|and charm win
over brilliance|and the ability to govern.
And, incidentally, you are stupid.
[Arthur] Excuse me, Mr Humma, sir.
Uh, I just want to say, there's been|some sort of terrible mix up
'cause, actually, he's not with us.
We came to worship you.|He followed us and...
He grew, didn't he. He's not that tall.
You didn't come half-way across the|galaxy to settle a campaign grudge.
Why are you here?
Of course not,|that's, that's ridiculous.
I've been stranded on a strange planet|for years, I haven't been avoiding you.
You look great. You're doing well.
You've grown, obviously.
- [Zaphod] Aggh! Oomph!|- Wait! We don't know why we're here.
We were trying to get to Magrathea|and our ship brought us here.
How very, very improbable.
[Electronic buzz]
I kept a few souvenirs|from my former life.
Ah, the heady days of space piracy.
But... even an Infinite lmprobability|Drive requires coordinates.
Which I happen to have.
- [Zaphod groans]|- No, no, no.
You don't get something|for nothing, Zaphod.
You must bring me something in return.
- [Chuckles] Wh... What?|- [Humma] A gun.
- A gun?|- A very special gun.
Designed by the greatest computer|ever invented.
But the only way to find it|is to go to Magrathea.
Fine. I'll get your gun.|Just give me the coordinates.
And what will you give me|to ensure your return?
My word as President.
No. I need a hostage.
Only... what does|Zaphod Beeblebrox treasure?
- [Humma whistles]|- [Gulp]
- [Whistling]|- Come on.
[Zaphod chuckles hysterically]|Oh, no!
- [Zaphod] Hey, take it easy now.|- [Electric saw]
No, stop it.|Ah! Oh, that kind of tickles.
Two heads are better than one.|Double your pleasure.
[Zaphod's second head]|You need me!
Come back! Come back!|Don't leave me alone.
[Hawaiian hula music]
[Zaphod's second head] Come back!
[Arthur] I thought I alone|considered your boyfriend
a narcissistic moron,|but the whole galaxy does.
What about you?|"Excuse me, Mr Humma, sir."
"We're not with him. We just came|to worship you." Very brave.
- Where the hell is Ford?|- [Whoosh]
[Vogon] By the left, march.|Left, right, left, right.
Mr President,|we're here for your protection.
[Vogon Kwaltz]|Fire upon the kidnapper!
Hey, come on!
The President is the kidnapper.|You'll kill him!
Bang! Bang!
[Arthur] It's locked!
Thank you, darling. I'll be in touch.
[Ford shrieks]
Come on, Zaphod.
- Hey, what did I miss?|- What have you been doing?
Field research. So they found|where we are? Belgium bummer!
They're shooting at us!|What are we going to do?
- [Trillian] I have an idea.|- Pushing him out and running away?
[Arthur] What? He's the one they want.
You can't go out there.|What are you doing?
- Back off!|- [Vogon] What's going on?
I have the President|and I will kill him, I swear.
- Could that actually kill him?|- I don't think so.
- It's an aerosol can.|- Oh.
[Arthur] Okay, frightened now,|frightened.
- [Zaphod] Hi, little guy.|- Get her!
- [Arthur] Zaphod, no, come on!|- [Trillian] Arthur!
- [Trillian] Arthur!|- Tricia!
- Arthur!|- Tricia! Wait!
[Trillian] Arthur!
Resistance is useless!
[Engines blasting off]
for processing, captain.
- [Door sighs]|- [Zaphod] Where's the circus?
They got her and it's my fault.|We have to go!
[Zaphod] Let's go!
Whoo! Computer, take us to Magrathea!
What? No, no, no.|We've got to go after Tricia.
- Who?|- Trillian.
They've got Trillian,|you stupid half-brained git!
Right, you're coming out!|[Laughs hysterically]
Computer, we don't want to go to|Magrathea, we want to follow the ships.
guidance system has been deactivated.
Oh, come on!
It wasn't my fault.
What you doing on this ship?
- Ford?|- Marvin.
I've been talking|to the ship's computer.
It hates me.
No, uh-uh. Eddie, computer,
is there another way|to follow the ships?
Pod. It's super-neat and fun to fly!
[Arthur] Ow!
[Marvin] Unbelievable!
[Arthur] I'm in. I'm in.|Okay, Ford, do you have any idea?
[Ford] We'll press this.
[Arthur] Oh, no, no, no, no.
- [Ford] This button.|- Okay. Nothing's... Okay!
Good man, good man, good man.
- Okay, we're wobbling...|- You forgot your towel.
[Arthur] Get him off me! I'll kill him!
- Okay, Ford, there's a...|- [Ford] Is that better?
No, that's worse, that's worse.
- Do what... I don't need that.|- Okay.
[Arthur] Stop the rocking.|Marvin, any ideas?
[Marvin] I have a million ideas.|They all point to certain death.
[Arthur] Thanks, Marv.
[Distant thunder]
[Crab] Ooh, ooh. Eee. Ooh, ooh.
[Whine of spaceship plummeting]
- [Crash]|- [Crab] Whoo!
[Crab] Whee! Whee!
[Crab] Yeah! Yeah!
- Magrathea!|- [Ford] No, we're on the Vogon planet.
- Yes, it is. It's Magrathea!|- This is Vogsphere.
- Yeah, Magrathea. I know it.|- No, it's not.
- There is no Magrathea.|- Yes, it is.
- What are you doing?|- They took my head.
They have these|on Arcturan megafreighters.
They use them when|they need to concentrate.
- What is it?|- It's a thinking cap.
- [Ford] There you go.|- [Pulsing stops]
Should give him some zest|for about ten minutes or so.
[Marvin] Now I'm feeling|much better about our predicament.
[Ford] I checked the Guide for how|to rescue a prisoner from Vogsphere.
It said don't.|I'm assuming you have a better plan.
Well, I kind of had this idea|that we could... Ow!
- Did anyone see that?|- See what?
- What was it?|- [Arthur] Uh...
Nothing, it's, uh, nothing.|It's just my imagination.
Okay, right. Now, everyone just stop|a minute, please, and look at me.
There's... definitely|something going on here.
Just... just watch.
Just watch.
Okay, I think we...
- Oooh!|- Ah-ha! You too!
Yeah, what was that?
I thi...
Zaphod, what do you think?
I think... Ow! Zarquon!|What was that? Jeez!
I'd make a suggestion,|but you wouldn't listen.
- No one ever does.|- [Ford] I have an idea.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, Ford!|Kill it! Get rid of it!
Okay, don't think.
Nobody think. No ideas.
No theories. No nothing.
[All] Ow!
This is crazy.|Trillian is in there somewhere.
- We need an idea to save her.|- [Zaphod] I have an ide...
- Ah! Run!|- Yeeaaghh!
[Zaphod imitates kung-fu cries]
[Arthur] Ooh! Ah!
[Tram bell rings]
[Vogon] You're supposed to stop.
[Police siren]
Okay, so I'm not thinking.|Not thinking. No ideas coming.
Okay, this isn't an idea|that has any merit at all,
but, Marvin, can you give me a hand?
Okay, where is she?!
Who, the director of robot arm repair?
Tricia Yggarstuk McMillanus|of... Blaard?
No, Tricia Marie McMillan of Earth.
Oh. Right.
[Keys clank]
[Computer squeaks and squeals]
Sorry, no record of Earth.
Galactic sector|ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha?
- Oh, yes.|- [Questular] She's lying.
She's skinny, and she's pretty,|and she's lying.
- Mmmm.|- [Vogon clerk] Here we are. Earth.
Oh. Um, "destroyed."
Um, do you have|a second home planet?
- Destroyed? That's impossible.|- That's what it says here.
Says it was destroyed to make way|for a hyperspace expressway.
[Electronic pulses]
Who in their right mind|gives an order to destroy a planet?
- He said the gray building, right?|- All the buildings are gray.
"Give me a hand." Ha-ha, very funny.
How am I supposed to drive this pod|with one arm? Stupid human.
[Vogon clerk #2]|Go and fill that in.
Then, make sure, when you fill in|the facilitating form...
Leave this to me. I'm British.|I know how to queue.
[Vogon clerk #2]|If you'd fill that form in for me,
and return it as soon as possible.
- Writing implements to your left...|- You're President. Can you do anything?
Presidents don't have power. Their job|is to draw attention away from it.
Hey, how you doin'?
Hey, it's me, your President!|What's goin' on? Thanks for coming.
All right. I know that sponge.|All right!
- Next!|- President coming through.
How you doin', Pinhead?|No, really, it's me.
I love kabuki. Look at that.
- [Arthur] Out the way.|- [Alien roars]
- Give us a kiss!|- [Alien squeals]
Hi, I've come about|release of a prisoner.
Prisoner release form.
Oh, wha?
I don't believe you.
These are the orders.
"Love and kisses"?!
Mm. Now, according|to the Galactic Penal Code,
the punishment for|a presidential kidnapping
is to be fed to|the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal.
Good day.
[Trillian] Ow, get off of me!
Ow! What the hell is that?
Ow, no, wait, wait! There's been|some kind of mistake. Ah!
- Tick all the boxes on the right.|- Right. Got it.
Not that one!
stuck with no hope of rescue.
that life has been good to you so far.
hasn't been good to you so far,
seems more likely,
it won't be troubling you much longer.
[Trillian growls]
Right, there we go.
Oh, kidnapping the President.
Oh, no, she's not eligible|for release at this time.
Okay. Right.|Look, this is the President.
- [Vogon] Oh!|- Okay. See, there?
He says the kidnapping business|was a horrible misunderstanding.
Oh, yeah.
[Arthur] She meant nothing by it.|He's ordering you to let her go.
But this isn't a presidential|release of prisoner form.
Those are blue.
- I'll stay here.|- All right. Hold that. Okay. Wai...
- [roars]|- [Trillian screams]
Oh, he's hungry today. [chuckles]
That's blue. Right.
- [Ford] I'm not a journalist.|- We're just hanging out.
Okay, this is, uh,|it's for Tricia McMillan.
Tricia McMillan. Mm. Okay.
[Minion] Sir, it's a release form.
Thank you.
She's free to go.
- Release her.|- [Trillian screams]
Zaphod's here.|Well, then, uh, that's fine then.
Let's just go and get him.
Who are we waiting for again?
No, I'm serious.
- Tricia.|- [Zaphod] Trill.
- Hey, come on.|- You idiot!
You signed the order to destroy Earth.
- He did?|- I did?
Yes. "Love and kisses, Zaphod"?|You didn't even read it, did you?
Honey, I'm President of the Galaxy.|I don't get a lot of time for reading.
An entire planet, my home,
destroyed because you thought|they wanted your autograph.
- [Zaphod] They framed me!|- Are you an idiot?
- Trillian.|- You knew. Why didn't you tell me?
- He threatened me.|- Get a backbone, Arthur.
Oh, a backbone? What about coming here|to rescue you? Thank you. My idea. Oh!
- Got your arm.|- [Marvin] How considerate.
Right, then, all those lucky enough|to have two arms, hold tight.
Oh, the President tests my patience.
This time I shall pursue him myself.|Ready my ship.
Fantastic. At last.
[Whistle sounds]
Oh. That's one hour for lunch,|everybody.
I think I'll have soup today.
in its chapter on love,
far too complicated to define.
The Hitchhiker's Guide|to the Galaxy "has this to say on love."
"Avoid, if at all possible."
Arthur Dent has never read
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.|- No, come in.
I... I didn't...
Um, look, uh...
Trillian, I just wanted to say,|you were right,
I should've told you, and I understand|totally if you're angry with me.
Um, for what it's worth,|I know how you must be feeling...
- Can you hand me a towel?|- Yeah, sure, this...
Thank you.
[Arthur] Actually,|what I was going to say was...
...if I'd said yes to you|and gone to Madagascar,
then neither of us would be here now.
I just thought that might|count for something.
It doesn't matter.
[Arthur sighs]
[Door sighs]
[Door sighs]
All right, computer, take us to...|Where are we... Where we headed again?
Okay, I'm gonna get you|another lemon.
All right.
Engaging Improbability Drive.
[Ford] No, Zaphod, no.|Buttons are not toys. What did you do?
Magrathean coordinates accepted.
- [Blast off]|- [Squeaks]
- [Blast off]|- [Squeaks]
It blows my circuits to tell you
at an altitude of 300 miles,
of Magrathea.
Magrathea! Magrathea!
- [Sighs]|- [Zaphod] Unbelievable.
[Marvin] Incredible.
It's even worse|than I thought it would be.
announcement as we are all out.
thanks you for your visit,
is temporarily closed.
and a planet where you can be contacted,
kindly do so at the tone.
- How can a planet be closed?|- Zarkin' A, cousin.
Okay, computer, keep going.|Take us down.
[Computer] I'd be happy to.
[Electronic tone]
that your enthusiasm
for our planet continues unabated.
As a token of our appreciation,
the two thermo-nuclear missiles
to converge with your craft.
To ensure on-going quality of service,
for training purposes. Thank you.
[Computer] I'm delighted to tell you
heading right for us.
I'm going to take evasive action.
[Engines whoosh]
[Shouts and cries]
my guidance system.
Impact minus 45 seconds.
Computer, do something!
manual control. Good luck.
[Brakes screech]
[Missiles whoosh]
[Zaphod] I need some help.
I can't do this without my third arm.
- [Clunk]|- Arthur, grab my hand!
[Shouts and groans]
[Engines roar]
- Did we lose 'em?|- No, they're coming right at us.
- Why don't I just press this?|- No, we're not back to normal yet.
- What will happen?|- I don't know.
Don't do it! We're here.|No telling where it'll send us.
- Sod it all.|- No!
Wow. Where are we?
Exactly where we were.
And the missiles?
Apparently, they've turned...|into a bowl of petunias.
- [Clunk]|- And a very surprised-looking whale.
[Computer] And an improbability factor|of "8,767, 128 to 1 against."
We have norm... normality.
Normality, right. [coughs]
We can talk about normality|till the cows come home.
- What is normal?|- What's home?
What are cows?
A proper cup of tea|would restore my normality.
suddenly, and against all probability,
called into existence
the surface of an alien planet.
position for a whale,
time to come to terms with its identity.
This is what it thought as it fell:
Ah, whoa, what's happening? Who am I?
What do I mean by who am I?
Okay, Okay, calm down, get a grip now.
A sort of tingling in my...
Let's call it a tail. Yeah, tail.
what I'm gonna call my head?
Wind. Is that a good name? That'll do.
I'm dizzy with anticipation.
There's a lot of that now.
very fast? So big and flat and round.
like ow, ound, round, ground!
be friends with me. Hello, ground.
the mind of the bowl of petunias
as it fell was, "Oh, no, not again!"
why the petunias had thought that,
nature of the universe than we do now.
[Wind blows]
[Arthur] What are those things?
[Ford] They're portals|to another dimension.
[Arthur] Right. I don't suppose this|portal has central heating, does it?
- [Zaphod mumbles]|- [Arthur sighs]
[Zaphod] Ah, this is the one.
[Marvin] This will all end in tears,|I just know it.
- Right here.|- [Machine starts up]
- Hey! Whoa!|- [Roaring wind]
Okay, in we go!
We can't just step into that... that!|We don't know where it leads.
If we pick the wrong one,
we just... we come back,|we pick another one. It's no biggie.
[Arthur] What? Yeah, it's a big biggie,|Ford. A big biggie.
What if it rips us all into|tiny little atomic particle thingies?
This is the right one. I have a hunch.
- Ford!|- His hunches are good.
Arthur, I say we go.
Go with the hunch of a man|whose brain is fuelled by lemons?!
[Arthur] This is suicide!
- I think I resent that.|- [Arthur] I don't care.
[Zaphod] I'm getting hostility|from you, Alex...
- Arthur!|- [Zaphod] Have you ever tried yoga?
[Portal roars]
- Trillian!|- I think that's supposed to happen.
[High-pitched] She's gone!|Ford, she's gone!
Arthur, don't panic!
- Ford!|- [Zaphod] Hey, wait for me!
[Arthur whimpers]
Come on.
Idiot! Come on, come on,|come on, come on!
[Coughs and splutters]
[Groans and grunts]
No, no, no, don't leave.|Come on, come on, just start!
[Marvin]|I told you this would end in tears.
[Arthur] Did you? Did you?
[Arthur breathes heavily]
[Zaphod from above] Geronimo!
Ooomph! [laughs]
Far out! Far out! Ha-ha!
This is it. This is it!|Deep Thought. I'm a-coming.
[Arthur chuckles] So, this is how|it's all going to end, is it?
Me, alone on a dead planet,|with a manically depressed robot.
[Marvin]|You think you've got problems.
What if you are|a manically depressed robot?
[Man] Excuse me.
- [Arthur] Aaaaagghhh!|- [Man] Whoa, whoa.
- Who are you?|- No, uh, my name is not important.
Uh, you must come with me.
- Get away.|- [Man] Terrible events are afoot.
Um, you... you must come|or you'll be late.
- [Arthur] Late? What for?|- What?
No, no. What's...|what's your name, Earthman?
- Dent. Arthur Dent.|- [Man] Well...
late as in|"the late Dentarthurdent."
It's a sort of threat, do you see? No.
- No.|- [Man] Your friends are safe.
- You can trust me.|- A man who won't tell me his name?
Okay, my name is, um... name is... is...|is... Slartibartfast.
I... I... I said it wasn't important.
Well... so my friends are safe?
Let me show you.
[Marvin] I could calculate your chances|of survival, but you won't like it.
Did you know we built planets?
Oh, yes, fascinating trade.
Doing the, um... doing the coastlines|was always my favorite.
We used to have endless fun doing the|little fiddly bits around the fjords.
But then the galactic economy collapsed,|and seeing that custom-built planets
are a... are a bit of|a luxury commodity...
Come with me because there's|been a terrible mix-up with your planet.
Best laid plans of mice, you know.
- And men.|- What?
Best laid plans of mice and men.
[Laughs] Yes, well, I don't think men|have much to do with it. Here.
- [beeps]
- [Explosion]|- Um, I must warn you,
we're going to pass through,|well, a sort of gateway thing.
- Huh?|- It may disturb you.
It scares the willies out of me.
Aghh! Aghh!
[Slartibartfast] Ha, ha, ha.|Welcome to our factory floor.
[Grunts and groans]
[Trillian] Okay.
[Zaphod] All right. All right.
Yeah, this is it.
This is it.
O great Deep Thought!
We have traveled long...
...and far.
Have you calculated|the ultimate question of life,
the universe and everything?
[Deep Thought yawns] No.
- I've been watching TV.
another computer to do that.
Oh, right, I forgot. Is it here?
No, it's not here. It's another world.
It's on another world.
It is another world, stupid.
Or it was until the Vogons destroyed it
for a hyperspace expressway.
Well... Okay.
You sure you don't have the question,
or a way to, you know,|access it or something?
'Cause I think I've done|a lot to get here.
Oh, shh, shh. The show's back on.
Well, I don't wanna bother you,|so I'm gonna... Good stuff.
Great. I'm gonna go and find something|else for my entire life to be about.
[Ford] Zaphod, Zaphod,|there's the... the gun.
- Gun?|- That Humma sent you for.
- You gave him your head.|- Why'd I... Why'd I do that?
- Okay.|- That's stupid.
O Deep Thought,|we were told that there is a gun.
[Crashing and rumbling]
[Cart squeals]
- There you are.|- Hm?
Look familiar?
[Arthur] So it wasn't destroyed?
Actually, it was.|This is a backup. Earth Mark II.
So you... you made the Earth?
[Chuckles] Not me alone,|but I... I did my part.
Ever heard of a place,|I think it's called Norway?
That was one of mine.|I... I got an award for it.
[Arthur shrieks]
[Arthur's shrieks grow louder]
[Arthur] Oh, hoo!
[Slartibartfast] All right, Frank?|That's... that's Frank.
Ah-ha. They...|they've nearly finished the oceans.
[Ford] Zaphod.
Here, it's...'s just like Humma said.
- Now you can go get your head back.|- Hey, Ford.
It's been nice knowing you,|you zarking frood.
- No!|- [Gun blast]
- Whoa!|- This is a bust too.
H... H... Hey, man. You know,|you must really be frustrated.
You go through all you have,|you don't get an answer,
which means no money or fame,|which you deserve...
does precisely what its name suggests.
Fantastic. Fantastic. Fantastic.
someone and pull the trigger,
from your point of view.
Give me that thing.
It was designed by Deep Thought,
of intergalactic angry housewives
with their husbands,
those arguments with the phrase,
"You just don't get it, do you?"
Uh, uh, and you're right,|I shouldn't be so upset
because life goes on, you know,
and I should just go on with it.
Shoot him again.
- [Zaphod] Whoa.|- [Blast]
Hitchhiking's good. Towels are good too.
- [Zaphod] Say what?|- That is brilliant.
[Zaphod] What's goin'?
I can see why Humma Kavula|would want one of these.
- We better get back. Arthur's waiting.|- Who cares?
I do. Especially since we're somewhat|of an endangered species, thanks to you.
[Zaphod] Why so edgy, baby doll? Relax.
- You wanna know why I'm edgy?|- [Gun]
Argh. Of course you're edgy.|Your planet's been blown up
and you've been tooling around|with the guy who signed the order.
Ugh! You actually wanted|to know the question
because you always wondered|if there was more to life
and now you're crushed|because you find out there really isn't.
Hey, fantastic. [laughs] Psychedelic.
[Fires again]
You've got no home, no family,|and you're stuck with me,
another in a long line of men|who doesn't really get you.
Huh? That's not true.
[Fires twice more]
And you're worried you might have blown|it with the one guy who really does.
Hey, whoops.
Oh, baby doll.
Give me that thing.
[Sighs] It won't affect me.|I'm already a woman.
[Rumble of grating stone]
It's okay.|It's only a couple of little mice!
[Huge rumbling]
[Slartibartfast] Voil!|Himalayas. Good, eh?
Earthman, you must realize
that the planet you lived on was|commissioned, paid for and run by mice.
When you say mice, do you mean|the little furry white creatures
with whiskers, ears, cheese?
Yeah, but they're protrusions into our|dimension of hyperintelligent beings.
I don't know this cheese|of which you speak,
but they were there on Earth|as mice experimenting on you.
I see where you've become confused now.|You see, we were experimenting on them.
Ah, no, well, yeah, no.|That's what they wanted you to think,
but you were actually|elements in their computer program.
[Arthur] Actually, this explains a lot.
All my life,|I've had this strange feeling
there's something big and sinister|going on in the world.
No, that's normal paranoia.|Everyone in the universe gets that.
Perhaps I'm old and tired,|but the chances of finding out
what's actually going on|are so absurdly remote
that the only thing to do is say hang|the sense of it and keep yourself busy.
I'd much rather be happy|than right any day.
- And are you?|- Uh... no.
[Laughs] That's where|it all falls down, of course.
Here you are then.
Is this?
It's, um... It's all there.
You know, it all works.
Welcome home.
[All cheer]
- Hey!|- Hey, man!
- There you are!|- Surprise!
What are you doing?|What happened to you?
Is that tea?
- First, our hosts attacked us.|- Right.
But then they made up for it|by making us...
[tearfully]... this amazing meal.
It's so... Everything's right.|Everything's delicious.
Oh, come on, that's lovely.
We're glad you like it, Earth creature.
[Chuckles nervously]|The, um, talking... talking mice. Cool.
- Sit, Earthman.|- Oh, thank you. Thank you for that.
- Please, drink.|- Um, uh, excuse me.
- Uh, is there anything else?|- No, we're quite happy, thank you.
Um, good, I'll be outside, so...
You were right.
- [Mouse] Please, drink.|- Yes.
He was right.
Now, to business.
[Both] To business!
[Firmly] Eat!
- Shh.|- Sorry.
[Mouse] We've spent a lot of time|on your planet
looking for this ultimate question.
Only to have it blow up|in our faces. Literally.
Which is why you're here.|We've been offered a lucrative contract
to do several 5-D TV chat shows.
But here's the point.|We must have product.
We need the ultimate question,|or one that sounds ultimate.
- Of course.|- We've rebuilt the planet.
Now all we need|is the missing piece of the puzzle.
- Which happens to be your brain.|- Right.
[Mouse] More tea?
Sorry, did you just say|you need my brain?
Yes, to complete the program.
You can't have my brain. I'm using it.
- Hardly.|- Hardly? Cheeky... Cheeky mouse.
Zaphod! Trillian!
- [Whirring]|- Ford.
What was in that food?
What was in my tea?
Don't worry. You won't feel a thing.
[Grunts and whimpers]
Just wait a sodding minute.
You want a question|that goes with the answer 42?
What about, what's 6x7?
Or, um, uh, how many Vogons|does it take to change a light bulb?
Here's one: How many roads|must a man walk down?
Hey, that's not bad.
Fine. Fine, take it, 'cause my head|is filled with questions,
and no answer to any one of them
has ever brought me|one iota of happiness.
Except for one.
The one. The only question|I've ever wanted an answer to.
Is she the one?
The answer bloody well isn't 42,|it's yes.
Undoubtedly, unequivocally,|unabashedly, yes.
And for one week,
one week in my sad little...|blip of an existence... made me happy.
That's a good answer.
[Mouse] We don't want to be happy.|We want to be famous.
- What's this "Is she the one" tripe?|- Take his brain!
No, don't take the brain!|Don't take the brain, mice!
- [Screams]|- It wasn't me!
- [Gibbers]|- [Zaphod] I'm famous.
Shoot him, quickly, shoot him!
Oh, bollocks!
I'm gonna be sick.
[Coughs] Belgium.
[Voices, vibrations]
Follow me.
[Vogons] Left, right, left, right.
[Marvin] Thanks a lot|for leaving me behind.
Though I can't say I blame you.
Mr President,|we're here for your protection.
Thanks, man. I appreciate it.
No! No!
[Marvin] What's all the fuss about?
Vogons are the worst marksmen|in the galaxy. Ooh.
- For God's sake, stop!|- Cease fire.
Now I've got a headache...|headache... headache...
[Zaphod] Oh, no.
- [Ford's battle shriek]|- He's got a towel, run away!
I'm gonna get us outta here.|How do you drive this thing?
We need that gun.
Come on. Get this ship started.|Come on. Start!
Come on. Oh, fire, fire!
Fire, fire!
[Arthur] Oo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo!
[Vogon] He's locked it|from the other side.
We'll have to go the other way.
Come on, let's go!
[Arthur] Oh, no!
[Zaphod] Stop it! Stop it!|Stop shooting at us!
[Shooting stops]
Oh, I feel so depressed.
[Vogons groan]
I can't face another day.
What's the point?
- You all right?|- Yeah.
Sorry about your spaceship, Arthur.
[Vogons groan]
Marvin, you saved our lives.
I know. Wretched, isn't it?
You got to ask yourself,|what's the point?
[Workman] Take it away.
You could do all of that, but it's not|gonna... Well, I'll ask... I'll just ask.
I... I... I've just been informed|by some of the lads
that since we're so near completion,
we're gonna go ahead and finish Earth.
We, well, we can put it back exactly|as it was when you left, you know.
Unless there's, um...
...there's, you know,|anything you want to change.
Something you think|your planet could do without.
Yeah. Me.
Oh! Um, hello?
No, as is. Yep, leave it. Yep.
Let's go somewhere.
Definitely. Where did you have in mind?
I know this great restaurant|at the end of the universe.
I am a little peckish.
I need to go to Humma's.|He's got something of mine.
- I think. I'm so confused.|- Don't worry, baby. We'll sort it out.
All right, let's trip the|light fantastic, baby. Just you and me.
Come on.
- You got your towel?|- Yeah. Why? Am I going to need it?
- Only always.|- Right. Yeah.
I wouldn't want to go|anywhere without my wonderful towel.
Okay. Hold tight.
of life cycle. In three, two, one...
[Zaphod] All right! Whoo!
[Marvin] Not that|anyone cares what I say,
but the restaurant|is at the other end of the universe.
[Screech of brakes]
[Accelerating engines]
# So long and thanks for all the fish
# So sad that it should come to this
# We tried to warn you all but, oh, dear
# You may not share our intellect
# Which might explain your disrespect
that grow around you
and thanks... for all the fish
# The world's about to be destroyed
# There's no point getting all annoyed
# Lie back and let the planet dissolve
# Despite those nets of tuna fleets
# We thought that most of you were sweet
and your pregnant women
so long, so long, so long
so long, so long, so long
and thanks... for all the fish
Play it!
# So long and thanks for all the fish
# So sad that it should come to this
# We tried to warn you all but, oh, dear
# Oh, dear
# Despite those nets of tuna fleets
# We thought that most of you were sweet
and your pregnant women
so long, so long, so long
so long, so long, so long
and thanks for all the fish
# For all the fish #
that careless talk costs lives.
is not always appreciated.
that Arthur Dent said,
without my wonderful towel"
the fabric of the space-time continuum
far back in time,
to a distant galaxy
were poised on the brink
of frightful interstellar battle.
in their black-jeweled battle shorts
were meeting for the last time,
when a dreadful silence fell.
And at that very moment,
anywhere without my wonderful towel"
drifted across the conference table.
Unfortunately, in their native tongue,
insult imaginable.
So the opposing battle fleets
their remaining differences,
a joint attack on our galaxy,
as the source of the offending remark.
the mighty starships tore across
dived screaming onto the planet Earth,
a terrible miscalculation of scale,
accidentally swallowed by a small dog.
interplay of cause and effect
in the history of the universe,
is going on all the time.