The Holy Fail (2018) Movie Script
1
(UPBEAT GUITAR MUSIC)
I still can't believe
they're actually
charging us for water.
Why not?
Well 'cause this is Ireland.
I mean I'm not a
scientist or anything,
but as far as I
know in this country
that stuff falls
freely from the sky.
Just so you know, I might
have to go to sleep really soon
if you know what I mean.
Yeah, oh yeah, right,
yeah, sorry, of course.
When I saw you I
could barely breathe
When I touched you
I felt my soul in need
I mean I wouldn't mind
if we lived in the desert
or on the moon or
somewhere like that,
but I mean the
next thing we know,
you know, they'll be
charging us for using air.
You know what.
I'm really not in the mood.
I stood before you lost
for something to say
And the rest of our
lives just faded away
You know tomorrow is my
mother's nine-month anniversary.
Oh, I'm so glad
I got to meet her.
Yeah, me too.
I just wish she'd had time
to get to know you better.
Yeah, I never did get beyond
calling her Mrs. McCarthy.
No, she let you call
her Mary at the end.
Yeah, maybe once,
but even then it was a
little uncomfortable.
Seems the universe
had taken its time
What awaits us all
Is now yours and mine
Well I'm sure she's
looking down on us now.
Yeah, I'm sure she is.
Well life goes on.
Honey, no, no.
Not in front of your mother.
Hold me close forevermore
Or I'll never be the same
Every breath I draw
will speak your name
No, no, honey.
Sorry, it's that
time of the week.
That time of the week?
Yeah.
Are American women different?
(LAUGHS) No, it's Wednesday,
I work a double tomorrow.
Oh right, that
time of the week.
Oh, okay good, phew, goodnight.
Goodnight.
Believing now in what
proves to be real
On the journey towards
Where the scars will heal
I am so over waiting tables.
Well hopefully it won't
be for too much longer.
No, just leave it, it's fine.
No, actually, I think
I need to hang that up.
It's fine, there,
(WHISTLES) it's up.
Don't you have
gravity in America?
No, no, I never heard of it.
I need to hang that up.
(NICOLE GROANS)
Hold me close forevermore
Or I'll never be the same
Every breath I draw
would speak your name
Every breath I draw
will speak your name
BRENDAN: Hi.
Hey, I have the closing shift
so I will try not to wake
you up when I come in.
BRENDAN: No, don't
worry if you do.
I always fall back to sleep.
I mean as long as you remember
to hang up your clothes
and don't leave them
lying on the floor.
(SIGHS) You know what, maybe
I'll sleep in the other room.
What, what do you mean?
Well we'll talk
about this later, okay?
I gotta go.
- Talk about what later?
- I have to go.
Look, Nicole, I know
things haven't been great
between us the last few
months, but they'll get better.
I mean we're just settling
into married life.
You know all couples.
You know this is supposed
to go in recycling.
And what's this doing in here?
Really?
Oh my God.
No, no, look, I'm
sorry, I'm sorry.
Just, you'll feel better,
I promise you will.
Look just just give
it a couple of days,
or a couple of weeks,
or a few months.
I'm late.
(SAD GUITAR MUSIC)
DERRY: Have a
good weekend Colm.
I will, cheers,
see you Monday.
Oi, O'Sullivan, where
do you think you're going?
- It's a minute to five.
- Exactly.
Sure anything I started now,
I could never get finished
in a single minute.
I'd only be wasting my time.
It's my time, not yours.
Now back to work or don't
bother coming in Monday.
(QUIET MUSIC)
BRENDAN: I know he's not
the best boss in the world,
but you can't just
steal all his money.
If anyone deserves
it, it's him.
I mean he's already
cut my wages twice
in the last six months.
How can he get away with that?
He says it's because
of the recession,
but sure he's hardly
even been affected by it.
Yeah, well if you get caught,
you'll end up gonna jail,
and that might be just as
bad as working for McSweeny.
You know there
must be close to
over 100,000 euro in there.
How do you know that?
I set up a nanny
cam inside his office.
Really?
- Yeah, so are you in or not?
- Not.
- Why?
- Because we're not criminals.
I mean we'd probably, you know,
try to blow open the safe,
and end up setting
all the money on fire.
You know there's
another reason
why I set up the nanny cam.
Is it because there's
a baby inside the safe?
No, I actually
set up the nanny cam
so that I could video tape
the exact combination he dials
when he opens the safe.
That's actually
not a bad idea.
It's a stroke of genius.
So are you in or out?
I'm out, and it's your shout.
Well, you're gonna regret
it, but try not to let it.
Sorry to let you down,
but I have more than
half a brain in my crown.
COLM: I'm gonna have a ball
and I won't be taking a fall.
Oh, sorry about that.
That's the stroke
of genius all right.
Well, if I hadn't left America,
then I could never have met
you when you came over here.
NICOLE: So you really
didn't like living there?
BRENDAN: No, it's
just after 10 years,
I was ready to come home.
And anyway, I thought you
liked living in Ireland.
NICOLE: I do, it's just
that I don't really feel
like we're doing anything
with our lives here.
I mean remember the
business idea we had?
The sliding table
or the talking fridge?
The talking fridge.
Nobody wants to
have a talking fridge.
How can you be so sure?
Well 'cause I sell
appliances for a living.
Nobody wants to, you know,
open their fridge door
and have a voice telling
them what they should
or shouldn't be eating.
NICOLE: You know we
could've at least tried
to get a prototype made.
BRENDAN: Where would
we have got the money
to prototype a fridge?
NICOLE: It's not
an entire fridge.
It's just like a little device
that goes on the handle.
BRENDAN: Still it
would've been expensive.
We could've got creative.
Why do we always have
to pay the electricity
bill right on time?
Well, 'cause that's what
you're supposed to do.
And anyway if you
don't, they cut you off.
Not right away.
I mean if we did everything
that we were supposed to do,
then I would've gone back to
America even after I met you.
Well I can't help it
if I'm so compelling.
Or at least was so compelling.
NICOLE: You know,
I really should finish
my Master's degree.
Well you can do that here.
I mean, you know, UCC has a
whole nutrition department.
And once your permanent
residency comes through,
it'll be really cheap.
It's not just that.
I mean (SIGHS) if my
visa wasn't expiring,
would you have even proposed?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, of
course I would have.
Definitely.
I should really go back.
- To America?
- Yeah.
By yourself?
Yeah.
You know, I don't need
to always pay the
electricity bill on time.
I mean, I don't need
to pay it at all.
I mean 'cause I know you think
I'm this really kind of safe
and boring kind of
person, but you know,
I haven't told you this yet,
but you know Colm's boss has
been ripping off his workers
for a really long time,
and so myself and Colm,
we're planning to
break in there and,
and steal all the
money from the safe
that he hasn't been
declaring to the tax office,
so if you think that
I'm the kind of person
that would never do
something like that,
then obviously you
don't know the real me.
How long have you
been planning this?
A really long time.
I mean at least at least I have.
I mean Colm, I
mean he was saying,
oh it's too dangerous, you
know, it's really risky,
and I was saying what's life
without a little bit of risk.
You know a little
bit of adventure.
And then I said, you
know the only thing
that I want from it is
just enough money to be
able to build the prototype
for the talking fridge.
I thought you didn't like
the talking fridge idea.
I was just pretending
'cause then it would be an
even better surprise for you,
you know when I got the
money to make the prototype.
So the the workers get
the money they deserve,
and we have enough
to build a prototype
and market our product.
Yeah, yeah exactly.
What, what's that?
Oh that's just my tax
bill, you know for my car.
They want me to pay it
in the next two days.
Like they have any hope
of someone like me ever
doing something like that.
Wow, I've never seen you
this passionate before.
Yeah, well you'd
better get used to it
'cause now that I know it
doesn't completely freak you out,
I can just be my true
self for a change.
And then I'm just gonna
destroy the water bill.
Really, how you gonna do that?
I'm gonna slash it
into a million pieces
with a razor blade.
And what about the rent check?
- Oh, I have to send that.
- Oh.
But, but, but, I'm gonna
send it five days late.
And what about our clothes?
Are we gonna hang them up?
No, no, no, we're just
gonna throw them on the floor
and pile them all the
way up to the ceiling.
Oh, all the way
to the ceiling.
BRENDAN: And
through the roof.
COLM: No, no, you did
not have to tell her.
BRENDAN: Yeah, I did.
You know there are plenty
of other ways you
can get her to stay.
Yeah, like what?
I don't know, just set
her passport on fire.
Yeah, yeah,
'cause she's never gonna
get another one of those.
Or I could just hit you
over the head with a crowbar,
tell the guards that she did it,
then she'll get sent to prison,
and you can go visit
her any time you like.
You know, Colm, I really
wish I had your brains.
Actually if you did hit me with
a crowbar, I probably would.
I have the superior brains
and my ideas come as
plentiful as the rains.
Yeah, and you should be
locked up with the insanes.
That's not a word.
Yeah, it is.
No, it's not.
Look Colm, she has
to be involved, okay?
I mean ever since I told her,
it's like we're newlyweds.
Ye are newlyweds.
Yeah, well I'd
like it to continue
to the next level if I could.
We can handle it just fine
with just the two of us.
Look, even if that was true,
I'm not doing it unless
she's involved, okay?
You can take it or leave it.
Are you sure you don't want
me to hit you with a crowbar?
Hm.
Hey, hey, that's my boat.
Get out, get out, get out.
I thought you said we had
permission to use the boat.
FISHERMAN: Hey, get
out that's my boat.
- Of course we don't, row.
- That's my boat.
Get out, get out, get out.
You're gonna get me
killed one of these days.
- Just row.
- God Almighty.
So if we study this carefully,
we definitely should be able
to work out the combinations.
(HAND RAPPING)
What's he doing here?
(SIGHS) He thinks he
can come round any time
there's a match on the telly.
- Should I let him in?
- No.
Hey guys.
Oh, no need to get up.
I'm already here.
- What are ye watching?
- Nothing.
Yes ye are, what
are ye watching?
It doesn't matter.
If it doesn't matter then
why are ye watching it?
It has nothing to
do with you, okay?
Then who's it to do with?
Just mind your own
business, all right.
Look, can we watch the match.
(CROWD CHEERING)
(BRIGHT MUSIC)
I can see that the extended
warranty may be worth it
over time, but in my case
there may not be a whole lot
of time left if you
know what I mean.
Yeah, I see your
point, all right.
What?
Well no, I mean
I was just saying,
yeah, it's wise
to consider that.
I mean I don't know what year
you were born, but you might...
It is absolutely
no business of yours
what year I was born.
I'm sorry, Ma'am, I was
just agreeing with you.
I mean you were the one
that said that you...
I'm aware of what I
said, thank you very much.
The cheek of a little
whippersnapper like you...
- Shane
- Implying that I'm past
- my sell by date.
- What are you doing?
Why wouldn't you tell me about
the video ye were watching?
Where did you get that anyway?
I took it from Colm's house.
I knew ye were trying
to hide something.
BRENDAN: Can you sign me
out for a five-minute break?
There's no need.
BRENDAN: Just do it, okay.
You don't want to be
involved in this, okay?
- Why?
- Because it's too risky.
You're gonna steal the money
from the safe, aren't ye?
Will you keep your
voice down for God's sake.
I want to be
part of it as well.
Look, it's not my
decision to make, okay.
Why are the two of ye always
doing things without me?
Ye never let me be
a part of anything.
You can be part of
other things, okay?
Just not this.
All right then, fine.
If that's the way
you want to be,
but um now that I know about it,
it's not gonna be my fault
if something slips out
when I'm talking to other people
because it's very hard for
me to control what I'm saying
about things about
fellas who I know...
Whippersnapper.
So it's just the
four of us now, right?
Right.
And are ye sure about that?
Well my cousin
might be interested.
Should I ask him?
No, we don't want to
ask your cousin Shane.
SHANE: What about my sister?
We don't want
any of your family.
Let's just keep it
amongst ourselves, okay?
So...
So the first thing McSweeny
does in the video is go
about 20 minutes clockwise,
then 35 minutes anti-clockwise
about 18 minutes clockwise,
28 minutes anticlockwise
and then 13 minutes
clockwise again.
And you can see the
numbers on the video?
No, but as long as we
know the starting point
and follow exactly the same
pattern as McSweeny does,
then we should open the safe
up without any problems.
It's not that simple.
Why not?
Well first of all,
the face of a clock
has only 60 positions,
where a dial on a safe
probably has about a hundred,
and when you're considering
you can't see exactly
what numbers he turns to,
you're gonna have to allow
for a margin of error.
Shane if you break my
tree house, I will kill you.
What kind of a margin?
Well you're gonna have to
consider that it could be,
you know, plus or minus one
at every stop of the dial.
And how many possibilities
does that make?
There's um five positions.
Three possibilities each, that's
three to the power of five.
- 15, 15.
- That's not so bad.
No, actually it's more
like a couple of hundred.
When was the video last taken?
About two weeks ago.
And has he opened
the safe since then?
Yeah, probably.
So he probably spins the
dial after he closes it,
so the starting positions
are gonna be different
than what's on the video, so
your plan's kind of hopeless.
It is not hopeless.
Okay, look, if you can
get back in the office,
and you can see what
number the safe is on now,
and then you videotape it
the next time he opens it,
I think we can find
a definite pattern.
(GLASS CRASHING)
(BRIGHT UPBEAT MUSIC)
Colm, you need to see what
number the dial is on now
and then set up the
nanny cam again.
COLM: I could do that, yeah.
NICOLE: And we should write
all the possible combinations
on poster board so we can
see them all together.
BRENDAN: Yeah, and I can get
some poster board from work.
NICOLE: And I can get
some of the other supplies
from the restaurant.
Oh and you know the clock face
was good for demonstration,
but for practicing we're
gonna need something
that has a hundred
increments instead.
Unmatched in its magnitude
The whisper reaches me
Unparalleled in fortitude
The echo teaches me
As I unfold
I am bold
Could you tell how many minutes
that one has in its hour.
BRENDAN: I'm just gonna
steal these and take them home.
Really?
Yeah, yeah, I'm just gonna,
well no, actually, I should
probably leave 10 euro.
JOHN: They don't
cost that much.
BRENDAN: Yeah, well
I just want to make sure
I'm covered, you know,
so the boss just.
I'm looking for one that a
hundred minutes in the hour.
Do you have any of those?
No.
BRENDAN: See you tomorrow.
(COINS RATTLING)
There you go,
Sister, enjoy that now.
May the Lord have
mercy on your soul
and all those who come
into contact with it.
And that last
one looks like 65.
I think this is really
gonna work, guys.
You and I can write
down the combinations
- on the poster board.
- Yeah.
And you can test
the equipment.
Yeah.
NICOLE: Once we write
down three possibilities
for each of the five digits
and then do every combination
of all those numbers
in the correct order,
we should come up
with 243 combinations.
Silence turns
its head around
As bitter winds have stilled
Winter's moon
no longer found
The emptiness is filled
Darkness no match
for this dawn
All right, so tomorrow we can
cross check the combinations
on the poster board
against each other,
and as long as
everything adds up,
I think I can have it typed
and ready by Friday night.
- This Friday night?
- Yeah.
Maybe we should
wait another week.
- Another week?
- Yeah.
Why?
I mean, you know,
we've been having such a good
time planning everything,
maybe we should
just continue to be,
you know, planning everything.
(LAUGHING) You're funny.
(LAUGHING) Yeah, I am.
Colm says he can easily
get us into the front door,
and according to him,
the only security camera is
right there at that entrance,
so if we park here at
other side of the building,
we just have to cover our
faces until we get inside.
So we're gonna need
some kind of disguises.
Okay, well if you're
going to be typing up
the combinations tomorrow,
I suppose I could
probably go get us
some disguises if you like.
NICOLE: Great.
(BELLS TINKLING)
- Hm, grand day, isn't it?
- 'Tis, yeah.
VALERIE: So you're shopping
for the wife, are you?
I am, yeah.
Tell me something.
Is she a very big woman or
is she a very small woman?
That's not important.
Oh but it is, it's
extremely important.
Well then, she's a thin woman.
Look, I just want to buy these.
Absolutely not.
What?
You take my advice now and
put these two back on the shelf
if you don't want to get
into the height of trouble
when you get home.
What do you mean?
What do I mean, says he.
Sure aren't these two
the very largest size
that's available to womanhood.
Well to be honest, I'm
not really sure of her size,
I, so I just need to
take the small ones
and the extra large
ones just in case.
But haven't you already told
me she's a very thin woman?
Yes, I have but, well,
they're not for her, okay.
I mean the small ones
are, but the large ones,
they're for someone
else entirely.
I see how it is now all right.
Well there's no doubt about it,
but the sacrament of marriage
isn't worth a single freckle
of what it used to be.
No, no, it's not
like that at all.
When it comes to men
and their fancy women,
there's not one single
morsel of a moral left
inside any of their
godforsaken adulterous heads.
Look, even if that was true,
it's none of your
business, okay?
I just came in here
to buy something,
so, so let me buy it
and I'll be on my way.
Hello Jim.
JIM: Yeah.
If you feel like
dropping round to the shop
in the next couple of minutes,
you never know what
you might find.
What's going on?
I can guarantee you
that even if it doesn't
happen straightaway,
any married man who engages
in such vulgar
adulterous activities
will most definitely get
his comeuppance in the end.
(DRAMATIC DRUMMING MUSIC)
(BRIGHT QUIRKY MUSIC)
(SIREN WAILING)
You called the guards? (SIGHS)
If I can get something
on this fella now,
we can knock off for
the rest of the day.
Jim, don't move.
There's a fella behind you
who has a gun
pointed at your head.
JIM: What?
I got you a beauty.
Who's the bastard now, hah?
Oh you are.
You're definitely the bastard.
KIERAN: And now I get to go
home for the rest of the day.
- How's it going there?
- How's it going?
(CAR HORN BEEPING)
Are you aware that your
tax disc has expired?
I, yeah, well it's
just by a couple of days,
and you know to be honest,
that's the first
time in my whole life
that I didn't renew it.
It doesn't matter if
it's a couple of days
or a couple of minutes, you
still have to pay the fine.
Wow, nothing like this has
ever happened to me before.
You know I couldn't
help noticing
that your friend played a
bit of a joke on you before.
Oh begod, he did.
And I can't believe
I fell for it.
Well I don't know if
you'd be interested,
but maybe I could help you try
to play a joke on him, you know.
And then if he falls for it,
you see, you got him back
and I could keep
my driving record
as clean as it's always been.
He's probably gone
home to the house.
I tell you what, why
don't we hop into your car
and drive over there.
And when we get there,
you blow the horn,
and as soon as Kieran comes out,
you throw me out
onto the ground,
I'll go face-down on the dirt,
and he'll think I'm
completely dead on the ground.
No, no, no, I
was just thinking
that maybe I could do
something like, you know,
I could ring him up
and pretend, you know,
you hurt your big
toe or something
and I'm the doctor asking
him to come pick you up.
And then and he'd
drive all the way
to the hospital and I
wouldn't even be there?
Yeah, exactly.
No, no, let's go
with the other one.
Hop in there and we'll
drive around to the house.
No, no, listen, I'm sorry.
I don't know why I said that.
You know it's just been
a really strange week,
and I haven't
really been myself,
so why don't you give me a fine
for the tax disc, and and...
- Hey.
- We'll call it a day.
You know now, I
have plenty of ways
of finding a lot
more wrong with a car
besides an expired tax disc.
You can be absolutely
sure of that.
BRENDAN: That's a nice house.
- And the both of ye live here?
- Uh huh.
Now you blow the horn, and
then boot me out of the car.
What do you mean boot
you out of the car?
Lift up your leg, and then
kick me as hard as you can
and send me flying
out onto the ground.
No, no, listen,
I can you know,
maybe I can blow the horn,
but if you want to do that,
then I think you should
probably make your own way
out of the car.
(CAR HORN HONKING)
Jim, Jim, Jimmy,
are you all right?
Jim, are you all right, boy?
(JIM YELLING)
(LAUGHING) I got you
an absolute beauty, hah?
KIERAN: You scared the
living daylights out of me.
And you thought I was
completely dead on the ground,
didn't you? (LAUGHING)
Oh begod, I did.
So who's the bastard now, hah?
Oh you are, Jim, you're
definitely the bastard.
And don't you forget it.
And another thing.
What?
I don't think we'll
have any problem reaching
our criminal quota
for the month.
Is that right, Jim?
Hm, he gave me a right good
whack on the side of the head.
Oh I can see a
mark there all right.
But you...
JIM: You have the
right to remain silent.
Anything you say
can and will be held
against you in a court of law.
But, he forced forced
my hand to I didn't...
That sounds like an
admission of guilt to me.
Absolutely, and I'm sure that
that's how a judge
will see it as well.
Here's how it is.
First, Kieran got me
by making me think that
you had a gun pointed
to the back of my head.
Then yourself and myself got
Kieran by making him think
that I was stone
dead on the ground,
and now the two of us got you
by arresting you for
assaulting a guard.
A good whack on
the side of the head.
And we got you an absolute
beauty, didn't we, Kieran?
Oh we did.
I'd say that's probably
one of our best ever, is it?
I'd say it's in
the top 20 anyway.
Oh, top 15 surely.
So I'm not really
under arrest?
Oh God, no,
what kind of fellas do
you think we are at all?
I don't really know.
(ENGINE REVVING)
Good luck to you now.
BRENDAN: All right,
thanks very much.
It was a great laugh, lads.
Thanks, thanks a
million, bye bye now.
All the best to you now, boy.
Yeah, all the best.
(SIGHS) God Almighty.
And then after they handcuffed
me, and I started, you know,
thinking about the possibility
of spending half
my life in jail,
I realized that I can't keep
up this kind of charade.
You know, I mean
the last few days
with you have just
been fantastic,
but you know the truth is
that I've been living a lie,
and no matter what
the consequences,
now I feel that I just
have to tell you the truth.
Okay, what are you What are
you trying to say exactly?
Well I...
(PHONE RINGING)
I would, just
hold on one second.
Hello.
Are you the wife of a fella
with a car that has a
number plate 99G2416?
I'm sorry, who is this?
Never mind who I am.
Did you know that your
husband is having an affair
with another woman?
He's a good for nothing
philandering little scamp.
Who is this?
How did you get our number?
I'm a woman the
same as yourself
who once trusted a scoundrel
that ended up dragging my heart
over the fiery coals.
And if you have any respect
for yourself whatsoever,
you won't let the same
thing happen to you.
(PHONE CLICKS)
(PHONE LINE BUZZING)
NICOLE: So you have
been living a lie.
Yeah, I mean that
that's what I've been
trying to tell you.
NICOLE: And what about now.
I mean is it still going on?
No, no, it's not.
I mean I know
we've had our issues,
but I never thought you
were the kind of guy
to just sleep with
another woman.
What, I didn't sleep
with another woman.
Really?
Of course not.
So then there was
nothing physical?
Only with you.
Oh, thank God.
Oh, I mean I could hardly
blame you for wanting
to connect with someone else,
especially on an
emotional level,
considering how distant I've
been these past few months,
but I mean I feel
like I've been really moving
past all that, you know.
I mean especially now that
I know who you really are.
And, you know, especially
since you were gonna,
you were gonna tell
me the whole truth.
From now on, you are not gonna
connect with anyone else.
Not even on an
emotional level, right?
- Right.
- Right?
Yeah.
Okay, so do you want
to go over those little safe
combinations one more time?
Yeah, yeah I do.
Okay.
(BRIGHT UPBEAT MUSIC)
So the only security camera is
outside the front door, right?
COLM: Yes.
NICOLE: Okay, so we should
put on our disguises now
and make sure not to
take them off until
we're inside the front door.
- Okay.
- Okay, here we go.
BRENDAN: This is it.
COLM: Stay in the car,
do not move, do not get out,
and only use the walkie talkie
if you see someone coming, okay?
Okay.
(NICOLE GIGGLING)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
COLM: Over there.
NICOLE: Okay, let's
just go through the list
until we get the right one.
I sway my eyes
in upward turn
With hopes of a higher quest
I beg the path
beneath me burn
Through a voice
that's yet to rest
But I'm changing for
the better every day
NICOLE: 36.
Ever since you've
come my way
SHANE: Hey, Good Buddy.
Is something wrong?
Is there someone coming?
Do you hear me?
Shane can you hear me?
Are you over?
No, we're not over.
We'll be out when we are, okay?
SHANE: No, are you over
on the walkie talkie, over.
Just tell me is everything
all right out there?
Is every
over.
Well Good Buddy, Good
Buddy needs to tell Big Daddy
what's going on
with Rubber Duckie,
Slim Shaker, and
American Pie, over.
Shane, just don't contact me
unless somebody is around, okay?
- 20, 85
- Over.
Is that an over, or
an over and out, over.
That's an over and
if you don't shut up,
I'll punch your lights out.
10-4 Good Buddy.
This an over and out
from Big Daddy, too.
You have knocked me over
I can't breathe
alone through silence
I can't take these
passing moments
I can't leave these
thoughts unsettled
Ever since you've
come my way
COLM: How's it looking?
Well we're down
to the last two.
BRENDAN: Okay.
All right.
BRENDAN: No.
(SIGHS) This is it.
No.
NICOLE: Oh my God.
COLM: What?
I didn't allow for
enough possibilities.
I'm pretty sure that,
oh if you have a margin of
error in the first position,
and then it increases
in the next position,
and then with every
position after that.
I can't believe I
didn't remember that.
It's the propagation of errors.
God, there's not hundreds
of possibilities.
There's thousands.
SHANE: Sky,
car,
car,
car.
Car, car!
This is never gonna work.
I'm sorry.
There's a car and
and it's stopping over.
- Where Shane?
- No hang on,
I didn't say over.
Well I did say over, but
it was over and not over.
The next word I was
going to say was there,
so it was stopping over there,
not over, which is over.
Okay, Shane, okay.
Just stay low and
be quiet, okay?
Now turn off your walkie talkie,
and stay out of
sight, over and out.
Okay guys, come on.
Shut the door,
turn off the light.
(FOOTSTEPS TAPPING)
Now, what can I get you?
Did you remember to get
anything other than whisky?
Oh sorry, I forgot.
I suppose whisky
will have to do then.
Right.
(MCSWEENY HUMMING SOFTLY)
There you go.
Thanks.
You're not having ice?
Nah, I think I'll have
it straight tonight.
And there I was
thinking you were a man
that was set in his ways.
Hm. (LAUGHS)
- What's this?
- What's what?
This.
Ronan McSweeny, are
you cheating on me?
Of course not, I'm
a man of principles.
I wouldn't cheat on anyone.
Really?
Well except for my wife, but
that's completely different.
So I'm the only woman
you ever brought here?
Of course you are.
Except for my wife, but that
was a really long time ago.
You know what I think?
What?
I think you're cheating
on me with your wife.
Ah for Heaven's sake.
Would you have a bit of cop on.
You know that nothing's
happened between me and my wife
for well over a decade.
Then why in God's name
do you refuse to leave her?
MCSWEENY: I told you why.
She owns over half the company,
and the house is in
her name as well.
I'd be left with
practically nothing.
SARAH: So it's
all about money?
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Ah Sarah, for God's
sake, have a bit of sense.
What do you take me
for in God's name?
I should've known.
In all the years of being
your fool of a mistress,
you've been messing around
with your wife behind my back.
Ah for heaven's sake.
Don't be so ridiculous.
I would never think
of any other woman
like that besides you.
Especially my wife.
(WALKIE TALKIE CLICKS)
SHANE: What's going on, over.
(TENSE MUSIC)
(MCSWEENY GROANS)
You have knocked me over
I can't breathe
alone through silence
I can't take these
passing moments
I can't leave these
thoughts unsettled
Ever since you've
come my way
BRENDAN: How could you
have not known about this?
Me?
Ye were the ones
putting it in the bags.
Yeah, but you're the one
who's been monitoring the
safe for the last two months.
The nanny cam only films
the front of the safe.
All the Irish punts
must've been in the back.
NICOLE: And how long
has the Irish pound been
- out of circulation?
- Since 2002.
So obviously he's
been stacking it away
a lot longer than we thought.
Too many bubbles.
Too many bubbles.
NICOLE: And they're
just not good anymore?
No, they're not.
Well I mean at least
we have some in euro.
I mean it's probably
like 20,000.
Hm, that's not too bad.
But there must be three times
that amount in Irish pounds.
I just don't understand why he
didn't change them into euros
when he had the chance.
Well maybe changing
over a large sum of cash
over a short period of time
would've been a red flag
to the tax department.
The central bank,
it's our only option.
BRENDAN: How
is that an option?
COLM: They still exchange
Irish pounds, they have to.
Look, even even if they do,
we can't just wander
in there with wads
of outdated cash in our hands.
Why not?
Well because what
are we supposed to say?
Oh oh you know this morning
I was changing the sheets
on my bed, and 60,000
quid just happened
to fall out from
under my mattress.
COLM: We can do it in stages.
(LAUGHING) Use the hairdryer.
Sure, people are always
finding stacks of money
in pockets of old coats
and things like that.
If we do it 50 quid at a time,
it won't look suspicious.
Right, so we're supposed to
go in there every single week
for the next what, 20
or 30 years and say,
oh well this particular
50 quid I happened to find
in an old overcoat
that's different
from all the other
thousands of overcoats
that I've been finding
money in for the last,
you know three or four decades.
Yeah, nothing
suspicious about that.
Yeah, and isn't the
central bank in Dublin?
Yeah, it is.
So if you factor in the
five or six hour drive
it would take to get there and
back, and expenses like fuel,
and wear and tear on the
car, and maybe a meal,
you're gonna be
running at a loss.
So what are we supposed to do?
It's still money.
It's still worth something.
No, it's not.
Not in this situation.
And you know, we
can't leave it here.
McSweeny might've already
reported it stolen.
No, he wouldn't have.
Not unless he wants the
revenue commissioner
down on his head.
(SHANE GASPING)
You know what,
Brendan's right.
We have to get rid of it.
You know, we'll just
give it to some charity.
No one's gonna suspect them.
If they can find a way
to change it into euro,
at least we know it
went to a good cause.
But that's us,
we're the good cause.
Look, we don't have
to decide now, okay?
Why don't we just put
the money somewhere,
we'll get some sleep,
and we'll just work out
what to do later on.
(SIGHS) Okay.
Do you still
think that our share
of the euro will be enough
to build the talking fridge?
Well it's not as
much as we expected,
but I'm sure we
could at least build
some kind of a prototype.
If that's what you
still want to do.
(LAUGHING) Yeah, we're
building a prototype.
BRENDAN: Yeah, we're
building a prototype.
(NICOLE SIGHS)
- Brendan, Brendan, wake up.
- What?
Something happened
to the money.
What, what happened?
One of the bags is missing.
It's the one with all the euro.
Well who would've taken it?
From tainted ground
where we once lay
We call forth a brighter day
Shielded 'neath
a falling tide
All our dreams coincide
If only to share the
taste of summer rain
Embrace this
moment's refrain
SHANE: Shane
here, leave a message
and I'll phone you back there.
BRENDAN: Shane, it's Brendan.
We're on our way to your house,
so just wait for us there, okay,
and if you're not there,
just phone me back.
Don't do anything stupid, okay.
SHANE: There you go,
Sister, enjoy that now.
Oh how humble my eyes
As we feel the
earth's release
And beg this moment
to bring peace
NICOLE: That's him,
that's him, there he is.
(CAR HORN HONKING)
Carried by the dawn
of a drifting moon
All our fears stand imune
Ye said it was dangerous
keeping it inside,
and then I heard
ye say ye wanted
to give it to charity,
so that's what I did.
We were talking about
the pounds, not the euro.
It wasn't euro.
I looked inside, and
I saw it was pounds.
Well then you must've
only looked at the very top.
How do you, how
do you know that?
Well, because look,
Shane, what happened was,
okay we put the 20,000
euro in the blue bag,
then we filled up the
white bag with pounds,
but then there were
some pounds left over,
so we took those and we
put them in the blue bag
on top of the euro, okay?
(SIGHS) Now for the last
time, where did you leave it?
(SHANE WHIMPERING)
(COINS RATTLING)
(BELLS RINGING)
NICOLE: Are there even
any nuns left anymore?
BRENDAN: Yeah, but
there's not that many,
so probably nobody's
even seen it yet.
NICOLE: Aw, hopefully.
BRENDAN: You know if
there really is a God,
we're gonna get to that
money before the nuns do.
(LIGHT, ANGELIC MUSIC)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
NICOLE: Blow the
horn, blow the horn.
BRENDAN: I don't
want to scare the dog.
NICOLE: For 20,000 euro.
(CAR HORN HONKING)
(DOG HOWLING)
Why are these streets so narrow?
BRENDAN: 'Cause
they were built
when people only had horses.
NICOLE: Well they
should've waited
till cars were invented
BRENDAN: Excuse me, ma'am.
Excuse me, we're in
a bit of a hurry.
- Would you mind just...
- You, again?
- I'm, we're just, we gotta...
- You whippersnapper.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Praise be to God.
But is it enough
to save the school?
Oh indeed it is, Ukaria.
Indeed it is. (LAUGHING)
Thanks be to God.
Amen.
Yeah but even if we
could break in there,
the nuns probably have it
stashed away somewhere.
We're never gonna find it.
COLM: We have to
get it, it's our money.
No, it's not.
Well, it's not
the nuns' money.
They didn't steal it.
Oh, well then all we
have to do is go down
to the courthouse
and tell the judge
that we're the
ones that stole it.
I'm not saying
it's ours legally.
I'm saying morally.
Yeah, and how do we even know
the nuns haven't called
the police already?
Because they need the money
so their school
doesn't shut down.
That's, that's why
I gave it to them.
- Colm!
- Colm!
He's probably right.
I mean if they've been
asking for donations,
why would they even question it?
We'll go over to the
convent and tell the nuns
that we're the
commissioner of schools
and that we will leave their
school open indefinitely
for 20,000 euros up
front, no questions asked.
Yeah, or we could
just go in there
and tell them we're
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph,
and we need 20,000 euro to
stop heaven from closing down.
Well at least we tried.
Maybe it's just not meant to be.
How do you mean?
Well it's been a
very exciting week,
but maybe we're just
fooling ourselves.
You think so?
It certainly feels
that way. (SIGHS)
We'll dress up as guards.
What?
Myself and Colm, we'll
dress up as guards,
and we'll go in there
and tell the nuns
that the money is stolen
and just demand that
they hand it over.
You want to impersonate
a police officer?
Yeah, yeah, that's
exactly what I want to do.
I mean all I need is...
Those two guards who
pretended to arrest me,
if I can find a way
back into their house,
I'll just steal their uniforms.
Really?
Yeah, yeah, I mean actually,
I can find a way back
into their house.
I remember after they
took the handcuffs off me,
I went into the bathroom,
and I was thinking if
they try anything else,
I can just escape out
through the window
'cause it wasn't even locked.
And you think it
still might be open?
Yeah, I mean lots of people
leave their bathroom window
open all the time.
Sneaking in there like that,
isn't that kind of risky?
Of course it's risky.
But what do I care about
a little thing like risk?
I mean I'm not gonna let
something like that stop us
from getting where
we need to be.
I mean I'm just not
that kind of a person.
We should go now?
Now?
I mean the guards
are probably sleeping,
and at this time of night,
we could be there and
back with the uniforms
in less than an hour.
Yeah, yeah, I mean
we probably could,
but I mean the other
thing we could do is
we could just stay here and,
you know, take advantage
of these really exciting
feelings that we're having.
No, no, no, this
is too exciting.
Come on, get up.
We are stealing garda uniforms.
Yeah.
(BRIGHT UPBEAT MUSIC)
(BRENDAN SIGHS)
NICOLE: Well even
if it's not open,
we'll have to find
another way in.
BRENDAN: Yeah.
NICOLE: And you're
sure they don't have guns?
BRENDAN: No, guards in
Ireland never carry guns.
NICOLE: Well how
do they shoot people?
- They don't.
- Well what do they do?
BRENDAN: I don't know,
they have truncheons.
NICOLE: Oh, and
those have bullets?
- No, of course not.
- Oh.
BRENDAN: But if
you got over the head
with one of those things,
it could really crack
open your skull.
NICOLE: Oh, okay.
Okay, so what I'm gonna do
is I'm just gonna go in there,
I'm gonna grab the
uniforms and be back...
No, no, no, no, I
should go in there.
I'm gonna fit more easily
through the window.
No, you're not.
And anyway it's my idea,
so I should be the
one who goes in there.
Why wouldn't I fit more
easily through the window?
Well because even though
I have broader shoulders,
I can just pull them in, and
once I get past my chest,
I don't have any hips
to worry about, so...
And I do?
No, no, no you don't,
I didn't mean that, I...
Okay, fine, so the
uniforms are at the end
of the kitchen table?
Yeah, yeah,
yeah, well at least
that's where they hung
them the day I was there,
and I assume
they're still there.
Actually I can just
make them out from here.
They hung their hats
and their jackets.
I think actually their
shirts are in there as well.
I could grab them, and I
could be out in five seconds,
I mean, and actually I
could even open that door
from the inside and come
straight out this way.
I...
(DOOR SQUEAKING)
What, what are you doing?
What, Nicole, come
back, come back.
You locked the window?
(JIM GROANING)
Kieran, is that you?
What?
- I said is that you?
- Course it is.
Who else would it be.
Okay, God, I know we
haven't communicated
in a really long time, and
well it's mostly your fault.
I mean in fairness,
you're very aloof.
But if you do happen to exist,
maybe you could
just first of all
just get Nicole out of this
and then maybe make
it so that she,
she, you understand what I mean.
I know you're single
and everything,
and maybe it works for you,
but I don't think it'd
be very good for me.
(DOOR SQUEAKING)
(URINE TINKLING)
No, no, no, no, go, go back.
(DOOR SQUEAKING)
Sh, sh, sh.
(BRIGHT UPBEAT MUSIC)
This may be the
best day of our life
For all we know
tomorrow may not come
This may be the
moment of our youth
Maybe the truth
has just begun
All the daylight
turns through our eyes
We move beyond the
path of compromise
Have you got
butterflies in your belly?
No, but your coat
is really smelly.
You don't look very steady.
Well I don't think
you're really ready.
What do you want?
- A mani/pedi?
- What's a mani/pedi?
It's a manicure pedicure.
Abbreviations don't count.
Oh really?
Yeah, sorry.
- Oh, why not?
- They just don't.
Right, should we do this?
Yeah, let's do it.
NICOLE: All right, good
luck Officer McCarthy.
BRENDAN: Thank you, Ma'am.
Although I probably
shouldn't use my real name.
NICOLE: Yeah, probably not.
BRENDAN: You're gonna do
most of the talking, right?
COLM: Don't worry,
we'll be grand.
BRENDAN: Are you sure?
COLM: Of course, sure
those nuns are easily fooled.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
COLM: Thank you
very much, sister.
You're very welcome.
So how can I be of assistance?
Well Sister, we're
gathering information
with regards to monies
that went missing
over this past weekend.
Monies?
Well, yes monies.
I mean it is money,
but there happens to be two
different currencies involved,
so it may be more
appropriate to say monies.
The majority of it is in euro,
but there happens to be some
Irish pounds in there as well.
Irish pounds you say?
I do, Sister, yes.
And so we were wondering
if you might have come
into contact with said
monies at any stage
during the last weekend?
Do you know something?
You look very familiar to me.
I do?
Yes, you do.
Well you've
probably seen me out
and about you know,
on my, my beat.
Hm, that's probably
it all right.
As I was saying, Sister,
we were wondering
if you may have come
into contact with the
aforementioned monies in question?
You'd wonder why would anyone
have Irish pounds on them
in this day and age.
I mean they'd be of hardly
any value at all, would they?
No, they probably wouldn't,
but as for the 20,000 euro,
now that would definitely
have a value of,
well of 20,000 euro.
You're probably right there.
Are you absolutely sure
that yourself and myself
haven't met somewhere before?
Yes, Sister, I am.
And where would you be from?
I'm from here,
from, from Cork.
You don't seem to have
a very strong Cork accent.
Well, I used to live abroad,
and you see my wife
is a foreigner.
You know sometimes I tend
to pick up things, you know.
Is that right?
So, Sister, if
you have information
that might help us
with our investigation,
we would really
like you to tell us.
You wouldn't be Mary
McCarthy's son, would you?
No, Sister, no, no I wouldn't.
Well then whose
son would you be?
I'd be Mary,
Mary Murphy's son.
See, she'd be my
mother, you see,
and so then I'd be her son.
Now it is believed to
have been dropped off
on the steps of
this very convent
by a five-foot brown-haired
man who happened
to be driving a bicycle.
You know Mary
McCarthy's son was married
to a foreigner as well.
Really?
I think she was an American.
I remember it clearly now.
A few months before
Mary McCarthy died,
I heard her son was
getting married,
and I said I'll pop my
head into the church
just for the ceremony.
And it was only when the
bride was saying her vows
that I realized
where she was from.
My wife is definitely
not an American, so...
- No.
- No, she...
Do you know
something about me?
I've been teaching in
the primary school here
for the last 42 years.
And when you've been
teaching young children
of that age for
as long as I have,
you develop an impeccable sense
of when someone is being
genuine and when they're not.
Now I mustn't be late
for mass, gentlemen.
It's very important
for someone like me
to set a good example to the
rest of the congregation.
Just like your mother,
God rest her soul,
believed she was setting
a good example for you.
And you can rest
assured, gentlemen,
that any and all information
I possess on the matter,
I will divulge to Sergeant
O'Connell himself directly.
(BELL RINGING)
The other Irish
pounds, we should,
we should probably burn them.
Brendan, if she's
called the police,
they can be here in
like 10 seconds flat.
Yeah, yeah, I know that,
but Nicole you're not gonna
have to worry about that
'cause I just
booked you a ticket.
What?
Yeah, and I used everything
that was in our savings account,
and it's a nonrefundable
ticket, so you have to go.
Huh, no, I'm not
going anywhere.
God, I can't believe we
didn't get rid of these.
Look I tried to get
you on an earlier one,
but the earliest
one I could get is
at seven o'clock tomorrow night,
so all you have to do is
just lay low for 24 hours,
and then you'll be safely
on your way back to America.
Brendan, we're in
this together, okay?
I mean all we have to do is
just get rid of the evidence,
and everything's gonna be fine.
We're not.
We're not in anything together.
Look I know when we first
got married it seemed
like I was a very
adventurous person,
but that was because we
were falling in love.
You know, that was the
adventure, and to be honest,
I've, I've never wanted
anything more than that.
And I know you wanted to
do the talking fridge idea,
I mean we should've, and we
didn't because I was afraid.
And that's who I am, and you
deserve better than that,
so all you gotta do is just
lay low for the next 24 hours,
get on that plane, and
just get on with your life.
(DOOR KNOCKING)
CLIFFORD: Brendan
Hugh McCarthy?
Yeah.
I'm Detective Clifford,
this is Detective Coleman.
You're under arrest on
suspicion of robbery,
suspicion of
impersonating a guard,
and the illegal possession
of a Garda uniform.
You have the right
to remain silent.
Anything you say can and
will be held against you
in a court of law.
Wait, Where are
you taking him?
He'll have a chance to
phone you when he gets there.
(GENTLE GUITAR MUSIC)
Yeah, that's right,
we have him now.
Yeah.
(CLOCK TICKING)
(LAUGHING) Well begod, hah?
We got you, didn't we, Kieran?
Oh we did, we definitely did.
And you hadn't a
clue in the world
that it was the pair of us
that was behind it, did you?
What's going on?
I'll tell you exactly
what's going on.
First Kieran got me
by making me think
that you had a gun pointed
to the back of my head.
Top 29.
Then yourself
and myself got him
by making him think that I
was stone dead on the ground.
Top 26.
Then myself and himself
got you by making you think
that you were after being
arrested for assaulting a guard.
Top 17.
And then you got us by
breaking into our house
in the middle of the night.
Top 32.
And now we've got you
back even better than that
by sending the lads
around to arrest you
for stealing the
pair of our uniforms.
Top 14.
So you knew about that?
Sure of course we did.
And you very nearly
got away with it, too.
It was only that I was
climbing back into the bed
and I heard a noise from
outside the front of the house,
and I got up and I looked out
the window, didn't I Kieran?
Oh you did.
Yeah, and when I saw
that it was your car
that was driving away
into the distance,
- do you know what I said?
- No.
I said fair play
to that bastard.
He got us an absolute beauty.
And then do you
know what I said?
No.
I said we'll get him back an
even better beauty than that
when we send the lads
around to arrest him
and make him think he's
being taken off to the jail.
Didn't I say that Kieran?
Oh the very words,
Jim, the very words.
So they said that
I was under suspicion
of impersonating a guard
'cause why else would
anyone steal Garda uniforms?
But I was just getting ye back
for the joke ye played on me
because I'm such a prankster.
That's exactly it.
So who's the bastard now, hah?
Ye are, both of ye.
You're definitely
a pair of bastards.
And don't you forget it.
(GUARDS LAUGHING)
But I honestly thought that
we were gonna get arrested,
so I was just saying
whatever I needed to say
to get you to go
safely back to America.
So everything you said
this afternoon was a lie,
but everything you told me
before that this week
has been the truth?
Well, no I mean, yes,
I have been putting on
a kind of an act, but...
I think I need to
use that plane ticket.
What?
I can be packed and
ready by tomorrow night.
Nicole, we're not
going to get caught.
I mean if the nun was
going to turn us in,
she'd definitely
have done it by now.
I just wish I'd stuck
to my original decision,
and then we wouldn't be locked
into this nonrefundable ticket,
and we could've started
the divorce proceedings
before I left.
Divorce proceedings?
But we've just had the
single greatest week
of our married life.
And the entire time
you've been lying to me
about who you really are.
So,
it's yourself again, is it?
This is a fine state of affairs.
A fine state of affairs indeed.
Was it you that dragged Mary
McCarthy's boy into this,
or was it him that dragged you?
It was me, Sister.
It was all my idea.
And was it just the two
of ye that stole the money,
or was there someone
else involved as well?
It was just the two of us.
Do you know what I can't
stand more than anything else?
The devil?
A bare-faced lie.
Now you tell me exactly
who you were talking about
when you were up here
dressed as a guard,
and you told me the money
had been dropped off
by a five-foot, brown-haired
fella driving a bicycle.
Well, Sister,
it was just that...
Tell me the truth, or
I swear by Almighty God,
I'll be on to Sargent O'Connell,
and it'll be straight into
jail with the pair of ye.
(PHONE RINGING)
Yeah, what?
What?
What the hell are
you doing there?
Yeah, I told you not.
(SIGHS) Yeah, all right, okay.
Yeah, look, okay, I'll be
there as soon as I can.
(PHONE CLICKS)
And now the other fella.
You need some help?
Oh, um, no actually,
I'm almost done.
Yeah, actually, I sort of
need to get going anyway.
Oh, you're going to work?
I don't think I'm actually
gonna make it in there today.
Right.
I know your flight's
not till this evening,
but there's a really good chance
that I might not get to see
you again before you go.
So this is goodbye?
At least it's been an
interesting week. (LAUGHS)
NICOLE: It has.
The divorce papers,
I'll, I'll organize those
and, you know, probably I'll
just have to just send them
over to you and you'll
probably just have to sign them
and just send them back, so
you're not gonna have to,
- you know, worry about that.
- Thanks.
And when your permanent
residency comes through,
I'll just you know,
just tell them you
don't need them anymore.
And, that'll, um
yeah, so you can just,
you can just, you know,
forget about that.
Okay.
Well, have a good flight.
NICOLE: Thanks, I will.
(SOMBER MUSIC)
Why would I bring my wife.
Who said anything about my wife?
We have to know the rules.
In other words the?
Commandments.
Stretch up to the heavens.
And how does that feel?
ALL: Good, Sister, yeah.
What commandment comes
after thou shalt
not commit adultery?
Brendan?
Um.
Back of the class.
Thou shalt not steal.
Good boy, that's right.
Now come up here and
sit in the front row.
Now stretch down to
the depths of hell.
And how does that feel?
ALL: Not good sister.
ASSUMPTA: Colm?
Moses.
Back of the class.
Now sideways to purgatory.
Thou
Shalt
Not
Steal
And how long might we
have to live in purgatory
if we don't repent?
ALL: A very
long time, Sister.
To Heaven or to
hell.
SHANE: Sister,
would this be Limbo?
Turn the wind onto itself
Still the ocean tide
Burn the light
that bleeds my eyes
Take prisoner of my pride
Dare to draw this
veil across my sky
On your knees.
And drifting over
the edge of this day
I know
The time to start.
I could somehow find my way
If you would only
Now.
Walk with me
ALL: Please forgive me Lord
for I am very sorry
for what I've done.
Please forgive me, Lord,
for I am very sorry
for what I've done.
Say your prayers.
MEN: Sorry for
what I've done.
Please forgive me, Lord,
for I am very sorry
for what I've done.
Forgive me Lord.
ALL: Please forgive me
Lord for what I've done.
We'll have a short break now.
Be back here in 10 minutes.
(ALL WHIMPERING)
NICOLE: Excuse me, Sister.
Yes, child.
Um, I know I have a few
more hours of prayer left,
but I was wondering if I
could leave a little early.
There's just somewhere
I really need to be
in about half an hour.
- Will you have a cup of tea?
- No, thank you.
It's no bother to
pour an extra cup,
and we might as well
not waste the water.
It really is a
beautiful building.
Indeed it is.
It'll be an awful shame
when we have to leave it.
You didn't raise enough
to save the school?
Unfortunately not.
Couldn't you
just use the money
that was left on your doorstep?
No, child.
Now that I know
where it came from,
I'm going to have to ensure
that those that stole it,
return it to its rightful owner.
And where will you live?
I imagine it won't be far.
Not like yourself having
to live thousands of miles
from your homeland.
Actually that's why
I need to leave early.
I'm gonna move
there permanently.
My flight's at seven, and
it's a nonrefundable ticket.
I suppose that means
that Brendan will want
to be leaving early, too?
No, no, actually he's
not coming with me.
Did Brendan ever tell you
that I was in the church
on the morning you got married?
Yeah, he mentioned it.
I remember the two of
ye walking down the aisle
with the love of each
other deep in your hearts.
It was an exciting time.
And it's not anymore?
You know I traveled
to your country once.
Really?
I still remember the excitement
of stepping on a plane
for the first time in my life,
and being raised up from
the ground, and after that,
ah, it was nothing to see
at all only long stretches
of ocean that bored
me to distraction.
Something I could
never have imagined
in the very first moments
when I was being
elevated to the heavens.
But you know something,
it was a truly
wonderful journey.
You're free to do
whatever you please.
But choose wisely, child.
There's one thing you have
to remember about life,
it's completely
nonrefundable, too.
(SOMBER MUSIC)
MEN: Please forgive me, Lord,
for I am very sorry
for what I've done.
Please forgive me, Lord,
for I am sorry for
what I've done.
Please forgive me, Lord,
for I am sorry for
what I've done.
Please forgive me, Lord,
for I am sorry for
what I've done.
ALL: Please forgive me, Lord,
for I am sorry for
what I've done.
Please forgive me, Lord,
for I am sorry for
what I've done.
Please forgive me, Lord,
for I am sorry for
what I've done.
Walk with me
You know if we ever wanted
to commit another crime,
I think we've done enough penance
to be forgiven in advance.
That is true.
So what was it that
changed your mind about us?
I just figured even if
there's gonna be long stretches
of ocean that I didn't want to
be staring at it without you.
Well I don't exactly know
what that means, but I like it.
Hm, you know what's
gonna be really exciting?
What?
Paying all of
our bills on time
and still being able
to follow our dream.
Yeah, that would be exciting,
but I don't really know how
we could afford a prototype.
I think there's a way.
The thing is Mr. McSweeny,
we have it on very
good authority
that you were in possession
of a large sum of money
which had never been declared
to the governmental
offices of taxation.
Revenue.
And the pair of us fellas
being officers of the law
and also being in possession
of a very high level
of detection skills,
have taken it upon ourselves
to get to the very bottom...
Core.
The very bottom
of the situation.
Now for starters, I
want you to show me
all records of all
transactions made
by this company over the past...
Two.
Five.
Four.
Six years.
I'll see what I can find.
Good man.
How's it going there lads?
(LAUGHING) Ye got
my anonymous letter
about McSweeny, did ye?
Oh begod we did.
And right here's
all the evidence
they're ever going to need.
And we should have known
that it was from you.
Shouldn't we Kieran?
Oh we should have, yeah,
we definitely should have.
You're going to give me
and the other workers the
25% raise that we deserve.
You will also be required to
make a legitimate donation
to the convent down the road
to stop their school
from closing down.
I mean, here
was the two of us,
thinking that we had
our first ever sniff
of a white collar crime.
And the whole time it
was nothing more than you
getting the two of
us back for sending
that pair of detectives
around to your house.
That's exactly right.
(LAUGHING) I made
the whole thing up.
Because my friend over
there is the only one
with the power to keep those
two guards off your back.
You're going to provide him and
his wife with enough capital
to get their new business
venture off the ground.
And I got you a
beauty, didn't I?
You absolutely did,
didn't he, Kieran.
Oh begod, he did.
Now why would
I do any of that?
Sure the worst that could
happen me is I'll have
to pay some back taxes,
but it's not the kind of
crime they'll throw a guy
in jail for, but
you know what is?
Robbery.
So who's the bastard now, hah?
Oh you are.
You're definitely the bastard.
COLM: This is for you.
Fair play to you,
boy. (LAUGHING)
So it's you, is it?
You dirty rotten scoundrel.
Now you listen to me
you filthy mongrel
with your young high heeled
hussy stretched out on a couch
in the middle of the night,
if I ever find out who you
are and where you live,
your wife will most definitely
be getting a visit from me.
You dirty, lying, cheating
son of a six-legged goat.
I can't give you his wife's
name and address just yet,
but I'll definitely let you
know if anything changes,
okay, bye now, bye bye.
(PHONE BEEPS)
(BRIGHT UPBEAT MUSIC)
That was great,
that was great.
I mean you'd have to admit
that'd probably be in
top the five, would it?
- Era, not at all.
- Top 10?
God no.
BRENDAN: Top 15?
KIERAN: 25.
BRENDAN: 25, well that's,
I suppose that's better than 20.
JIM: Ah you've a
long way to go yet.
Time has turned towards
all we hope to be
All its thoughts have
passed through you and me
NICOLE: Test recording
for the talking fridge, Colm.
Closing the
button on your pants
won't hurt if you choose
the frozen yogurt.
What, pants doesn't
rhyme with yogurt.
No, no, no, hurt and yogurt.
BRENDAN AND
NICOLE: No, no, no,
disqualified, disqualified, boo.
How am I disqualified?
It's hurt and yogurt.
If you eat too
much cheesecake,
looking in the mirror
will make you want
to jump in the lake.
- That's pretty good.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, it's not bad.
- I like that one.
- Really?
- Yeah.
How about, If you
eat too much chocolate,
you should be lined up
against a wall and shot.
- Oh oh.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Over.
Come on Girls.
Come on girls, welcome
back, welcome back.
No, no, Sinead, this way.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
- Sorry that we're late.
- Ah come on, girls.
MCSWEENY: There you go.
Derry.
Time has turned towards
all we hope to be
All its thoughts have
passed through you and me
- Hey.
- Hey, I think this is it.
- What, the prototype?
- Yeah.
- You want to try it out?
- Yeah, yeah, I do.
Thank you.
PROTOTYPE: If you're
doing penance for a crime,
tasting Brussels sprouts
will do just fine.
BOTH: (Laughing) It works.
Knelt upon the light
of cleansing moon
PROTOTYPE: If you listen
to all our health tips,
your heart will really love
what touches your lips.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
I like that one.
So how many have we sold today?
Ah, about a
hundred euro's worth.
Wow, that's not bad
for a Monday morning.
- No, it's not.
- So what time's your class?
1:30.
What is it today?
- Kids' nutrition.
- Right, great.
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello.
- Mr. McCarthy?
- Yes.
WOMAN: This is the
immigration office,
and we regret to inform you
that your wife's application
for Irish residency
has been denied.
BRENDAN: At the
interview, they said it was...
WOMAN: And she is hereby
instructed to leave the country.
No, I mean I don't understand.
She's my wife and...
(LAUGHING) We got
you an absolute beauty.
Didn't we Kieran?
Oh we did, we definitely did.
JIM: So who's the
bastard now, hah?
You are, you're
definitely the bastard.
And don't you forget it.
I don't think this
is ever gonna stop.
Well least it keep
things interesting.
BRENDAN: Yeah,
but I can't believe
I'm not the bastard anymore.
NICOLE: Ah,
that's okay, honey.
I'm sure that you'll be
the bastard again soon.
BRENDAN: I hope so.
(GENTLE MUSIC)
All the world is
dreaming tonight
As if everyone's vision
has turned out right
All these years
are melting away
All the darkness
has turned today
Every piece of me
passes back through you
Through me
So take my hand and
step out of the shade
Rest your gaze in mine
Let the darkness fade
Hold me close
There's no need to be afraid
Days like these
are magic made
All the skies are
burning tonight
As heaven bleeds out
its endless light
All the seas are
calling our names
Every breeze steals
away our shame
As all my thoughts turn
through your thoughts
All your thoughts through me
So take my hand and
step out of the shade
Rest your gaze in mine
And let the darkness fade
Hold me close
There's no need to be afraid
Days like these
are magic made
The ocean's are stilled
As these moments unfold
The winds are hushed
Through verses untold
The shimmering sun
embraces the tide
Every burden is cast aside
As all are holding
on fades back
Through you through me
So take my hand and
step out of the shade
Rest your gaze in mine
Let the darkness fade
Hold me close
There's no need to be afraid
Days like these
are magic made
And there's no thought
of ever losing this time
As we turn our way
towards the light
Take my hand and
step out of the shade
Rest your gaze in mine
And let the darkness fade
Hold me close
There's no need to be afraid
Days like these
are magic made
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
(UPBEAT GUITAR MUSIC)
I still can't believe
they're actually
charging us for water.
Why not?
Well 'cause this is Ireland.
I mean I'm not a
scientist or anything,
but as far as I
know in this country
that stuff falls
freely from the sky.
Just so you know, I might
have to go to sleep really soon
if you know what I mean.
Yeah, oh yeah, right,
yeah, sorry, of course.
When I saw you I
could barely breathe
When I touched you
I felt my soul in need
I mean I wouldn't mind
if we lived in the desert
or on the moon or
somewhere like that,
but I mean the
next thing we know,
you know, they'll be
charging us for using air.
You know what.
I'm really not in the mood.
I stood before you lost
for something to say
And the rest of our
lives just faded away
You know tomorrow is my
mother's nine-month anniversary.
Oh, I'm so glad
I got to meet her.
Yeah, me too.
I just wish she'd had time
to get to know you better.
Yeah, I never did get beyond
calling her Mrs. McCarthy.
No, she let you call
her Mary at the end.
Yeah, maybe once,
but even then it was a
little uncomfortable.
Seems the universe
had taken its time
What awaits us all
Is now yours and mine
Well I'm sure she's
looking down on us now.
Yeah, I'm sure she is.
Well life goes on.
Honey, no, no.
Not in front of your mother.
Hold me close forevermore
Or I'll never be the same
Every breath I draw
will speak your name
No, no, honey.
Sorry, it's that
time of the week.
That time of the week?
Yeah.
Are American women different?
(LAUGHS) No, it's Wednesday,
I work a double tomorrow.
Oh right, that
time of the week.
Oh, okay good, phew, goodnight.
Goodnight.
Believing now in what
proves to be real
On the journey towards
Where the scars will heal
I am so over waiting tables.
Well hopefully it won't
be for too much longer.
No, just leave it, it's fine.
No, actually, I think
I need to hang that up.
It's fine, there,
(WHISTLES) it's up.
Don't you have
gravity in America?
No, no, I never heard of it.
I need to hang that up.
(NICOLE GROANS)
Hold me close forevermore
Or I'll never be the same
Every breath I draw
would speak your name
Every breath I draw
will speak your name
BRENDAN: Hi.
Hey, I have the closing shift
so I will try not to wake
you up when I come in.
BRENDAN: No, don't
worry if you do.
I always fall back to sleep.
I mean as long as you remember
to hang up your clothes
and don't leave them
lying on the floor.
(SIGHS) You know what, maybe
I'll sleep in the other room.
What, what do you mean?
Well we'll talk
about this later, okay?
I gotta go.
- Talk about what later?
- I have to go.
Look, Nicole, I know
things haven't been great
between us the last few
months, but they'll get better.
I mean we're just settling
into married life.
You know all couples.
You know this is supposed
to go in recycling.
And what's this doing in here?
Really?
Oh my God.
No, no, look, I'm
sorry, I'm sorry.
Just, you'll feel better,
I promise you will.
Look just just give
it a couple of days,
or a couple of weeks,
or a few months.
I'm late.
(SAD GUITAR MUSIC)
DERRY: Have a
good weekend Colm.
I will, cheers,
see you Monday.
Oi, O'Sullivan, where
do you think you're going?
- It's a minute to five.
- Exactly.
Sure anything I started now,
I could never get finished
in a single minute.
I'd only be wasting my time.
It's my time, not yours.
Now back to work or don't
bother coming in Monday.
(QUIET MUSIC)
BRENDAN: I know he's not
the best boss in the world,
but you can't just
steal all his money.
If anyone deserves
it, it's him.
I mean he's already
cut my wages twice
in the last six months.
How can he get away with that?
He says it's because
of the recession,
but sure he's hardly
even been affected by it.
Yeah, well if you get caught,
you'll end up gonna jail,
and that might be just as
bad as working for McSweeny.
You know there
must be close to
over 100,000 euro in there.
How do you know that?
I set up a nanny
cam inside his office.
Really?
- Yeah, so are you in or not?
- Not.
- Why?
- Because we're not criminals.
I mean we'd probably, you know,
try to blow open the safe,
and end up setting
all the money on fire.
You know there's
another reason
why I set up the nanny cam.
Is it because there's
a baby inside the safe?
No, I actually
set up the nanny cam
so that I could video tape
the exact combination he dials
when he opens the safe.
That's actually
not a bad idea.
It's a stroke of genius.
So are you in or out?
I'm out, and it's your shout.
Well, you're gonna regret
it, but try not to let it.
Sorry to let you down,
but I have more than
half a brain in my crown.
COLM: I'm gonna have a ball
and I won't be taking a fall.
Oh, sorry about that.
That's the stroke
of genius all right.
Well, if I hadn't left America,
then I could never have met
you when you came over here.
NICOLE: So you really
didn't like living there?
BRENDAN: No, it's
just after 10 years,
I was ready to come home.
And anyway, I thought you
liked living in Ireland.
NICOLE: I do, it's just
that I don't really feel
like we're doing anything
with our lives here.
I mean remember the
business idea we had?
The sliding table
or the talking fridge?
The talking fridge.
Nobody wants to
have a talking fridge.
How can you be so sure?
Well 'cause I sell
appliances for a living.
Nobody wants to, you know,
open their fridge door
and have a voice telling
them what they should
or shouldn't be eating.
NICOLE: You know we
could've at least tried
to get a prototype made.
BRENDAN: Where would
we have got the money
to prototype a fridge?
NICOLE: It's not
an entire fridge.
It's just like a little device
that goes on the handle.
BRENDAN: Still it
would've been expensive.
We could've got creative.
Why do we always have
to pay the electricity
bill right on time?
Well, 'cause that's what
you're supposed to do.
And anyway if you
don't, they cut you off.
Not right away.
I mean if we did everything
that we were supposed to do,
then I would've gone back to
America even after I met you.
Well I can't help it
if I'm so compelling.
Or at least was so compelling.
NICOLE: You know,
I really should finish
my Master's degree.
Well you can do that here.
I mean, you know, UCC has a
whole nutrition department.
And once your permanent
residency comes through,
it'll be really cheap.
It's not just that.
I mean (SIGHS) if my
visa wasn't expiring,
would you have even proposed?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, of
course I would have.
Definitely.
I should really go back.
- To America?
- Yeah.
By yourself?
Yeah.
You know, I don't need
to always pay the
electricity bill on time.
I mean, I don't need
to pay it at all.
I mean 'cause I know you think
I'm this really kind of safe
and boring kind of
person, but you know,
I haven't told you this yet,
but you know Colm's boss has
been ripping off his workers
for a really long time,
and so myself and Colm,
we're planning to
break in there and,
and steal all the
money from the safe
that he hasn't been
declaring to the tax office,
so if you think that
I'm the kind of person
that would never do
something like that,
then obviously you
don't know the real me.
How long have you
been planning this?
A really long time.
I mean at least at least I have.
I mean Colm, I
mean he was saying,
oh it's too dangerous, you
know, it's really risky,
and I was saying what's life
without a little bit of risk.
You know a little
bit of adventure.
And then I said, you
know the only thing
that I want from it is
just enough money to be
able to build the prototype
for the talking fridge.
I thought you didn't like
the talking fridge idea.
I was just pretending
'cause then it would be an
even better surprise for you,
you know when I got the
money to make the prototype.
So the the workers get
the money they deserve,
and we have enough
to build a prototype
and market our product.
Yeah, yeah exactly.
What, what's that?
Oh that's just my tax
bill, you know for my car.
They want me to pay it
in the next two days.
Like they have any hope
of someone like me ever
doing something like that.
Wow, I've never seen you
this passionate before.
Yeah, well you'd
better get used to it
'cause now that I know it
doesn't completely freak you out,
I can just be my true
self for a change.
And then I'm just gonna
destroy the water bill.
Really, how you gonna do that?
I'm gonna slash it
into a million pieces
with a razor blade.
And what about the rent check?
- Oh, I have to send that.
- Oh.
But, but, but, I'm gonna
send it five days late.
And what about our clothes?
Are we gonna hang them up?
No, no, no, we're just
gonna throw them on the floor
and pile them all the
way up to the ceiling.
Oh, all the way
to the ceiling.
BRENDAN: And
through the roof.
COLM: No, no, you did
not have to tell her.
BRENDAN: Yeah, I did.
You know there are plenty
of other ways you
can get her to stay.
Yeah, like what?
I don't know, just set
her passport on fire.
Yeah, yeah,
'cause she's never gonna
get another one of those.
Or I could just hit you
over the head with a crowbar,
tell the guards that she did it,
then she'll get sent to prison,
and you can go visit
her any time you like.
You know, Colm, I really
wish I had your brains.
Actually if you did hit me with
a crowbar, I probably would.
I have the superior brains
and my ideas come as
plentiful as the rains.
Yeah, and you should be
locked up with the insanes.
That's not a word.
Yeah, it is.
No, it's not.
Look Colm, she has
to be involved, okay?
I mean ever since I told her,
it's like we're newlyweds.
Ye are newlyweds.
Yeah, well I'd
like it to continue
to the next level if I could.
We can handle it just fine
with just the two of us.
Look, even if that was true,
I'm not doing it unless
she's involved, okay?
You can take it or leave it.
Are you sure you don't want
me to hit you with a crowbar?
Hm.
Hey, hey, that's my boat.
Get out, get out, get out.
I thought you said we had
permission to use the boat.
FISHERMAN: Hey, get
out that's my boat.
- Of course we don't, row.
- That's my boat.
Get out, get out, get out.
You're gonna get me
killed one of these days.
- Just row.
- God Almighty.
So if we study this carefully,
we definitely should be able
to work out the combinations.
(HAND RAPPING)
What's he doing here?
(SIGHS) He thinks he
can come round any time
there's a match on the telly.
- Should I let him in?
- No.
Hey guys.
Oh, no need to get up.
I'm already here.
- What are ye watching?
- Nothing.
Yes ye are, what
are ye watching?
It doesn't matter.
If it doesn't matter then
why are ye watching it?
It has nothing to
do with you, okay?
Then who's it to do with?
Just mind your own
business, all right.
Look, can we watch the match.
(CROWD CHEERING)
(BRIGHT MUSIC)
I can see that the extended
warranty may be worth it
over time, but in my case
there may not be a whole lot
of time left if you
know what I mean.
Yeah, I see your
point, all right.
What?
Well no, I mean
I was just saying,
yeah, it's wise
to consider that.
I mean I don't know what year
you were born, but you might...
It is absolutely
no business of yours
what year I was born.
I'm sorry, Ma'am, I was
just agreeing with you.
I mean you were the one
that said that you...
I'm aware of what I
said, thank you very much.
The cheek of a little
whippersnapper like you...
- Shane
- Implying that I'm past
- my sell by date.
- What are you doing?
Why wouldn't you tell me about
the video ye were watching?
Where did you get that anyway?
I took it from Colm's house.
I knew ye were trying
to hide something.
BRENDAN: Can you sign me
out for a five-minute break?
There's no need.
BRENDAN: Just do it, okay.
You don't want to be
involved in this, okay?
- Why?
- Because it's too risky.
You're gonna steal the money
from the safe, aren't ye?
Will you keep your
voice down for God's sake.
I want to be
part of it as well.
Look, it's not my
decision to make, okay.
Why are the two of ye always
doing things without me?
Ye never let me be
a part of anything.
You can be part of
other things, okay?
Just not this.
All right then, fine.
If that's the way
you want to be,
but um now that I know about it,
it's not gonna be my fault
if something slips out
when I'm talking to other people
because it's very hard for
me to control what I'm saying
about things about
fellas who I know...
Whippersnapper.
So it's just the
four of us now, right?
Right.
And are ye sure about that?
Well my cousin
might be interested.
Should I ask him?
No, we don't want to
ask your cousin Shane.
SHANE: What about my sister?
We don't want
any of your family.
Let's just keep it
amongst ourselves, okay?
So...
So the first thing McSweeny
does in the video is go
about 20 minutes clockwise,
then 35 minutes anti-clockwise
about 18 minutes clockwise,
28 minutes anticlockwise
and then 13 minutes
clockwise again.
And you can see the
numbers on the video?
No, but as long as we
know the starting point
and follow exactly the same
pattern as McSweeny does,
then we should open the safe
up without any problems.
It's not that simple.
Why not?
Well first of all,
the face of a clock
has only 60 positions,
where a dial on a safe
probably has about a hundred,
and when you're considering
you can't see exactly
what numbers he turns to,
you're gonna have to allow
for a margin of error.
Shane if you break my
tree house, I will kill you.
What kind of a margin?
Well you're gonna have to
consider that it could be,
you know, plus or minus one
at every stop of the dial.
And how many possibilities
does that make?
There's um five positions.
Three possibilities each, that's
three to the power of five.
- 15, 15.
- That's not so bad.
No, actually it's more
like a couple of hundred.
When was the video last taken?
About two weeks ago.
And has he opened
the safe since then?
Yeah, probably.
So he probably spins the
dial after he closes it,
so the starting positions
are gonna be different
than what's on the video, so
your plan's kind of hopeless.
It is not hopeless.
Okay, look, if you can
get back in the office,
and you can see what
number the safe is on now,
and then you videotape it
the next time he opens it,
I think we can find
a definite pattern.
(GLASS CRASHING)
(BRIGHT UPBEAT MUSIC)
Colm, you need to see what
number the dial is on now
and then set up the
nanny cam again.
COLM: I could do that, yeah.
NICOLE: And we should write
all the possible combinations
on poster board so we can
see them all together.
BRENDAN: Yeah, and I can get
some poster board from work.
NICOLE: And I can get
some of the other supplies
from the restaurant.
Oh and you know the clock face
was good for demonstration,
but for practicing we're
gonna need something
that has a hundred
increments instead.
Unmatched in its magnitude
The whisper reaches me
Unparalleled in fortitude
The echo teaches me
As I unfold
I am bold
Could you tell how many minutes
that one has in its hour.
BRENDAN: I'm just gonna
steal these and take them home.
Really?
Yeah, yeah, I'm just gonna,
well no, actually, I should
probably leave 10 euro.
JOHN: They don't
cost that much.
BRENDAN: Yeah, well
I just want to make sure
I'm covered, you know,
so the boss just.
I'm looking for one that a
hundred minutes in the hour.
Do you have any of those?
No.
BRENDAN: See you tomorrow.
(COINS RATTLING)
There you go,
Sister, enjoy that now.
May the Lord have
mercy on your soul
and all those who come
into contact with it.
And that last
one looks like 65.
I think this is really
gonna work, guys.
You and I can write
down the combinations
- on the poster board.
- Yeah.
And you can test
the equipment.
Yeah.
NICOLE: Once we write
down three possibilities
for each of the five digits
and then do every combination
of all those numbers
in the correct order,
we should come up
with 243 combinations.
Silence turns
its head around
As bitter winds have stilled
Winter's moon
no longer found
The emptiness is filled
Darkness no match
for this dawn
All right, so tomorrow we can
cross check the combinations
on the poster board
against each other,
and as long as
everything adds up,
I think I can have it typed
and ready by Friday night.
- This Friday night?
- Yeah.
Maybe we should
wait another week.
- Another week?
- Yeah.
Why?
I mean, you know,
we've been having such a good
time planning everything,
maybe we should
just continue to be,
you know, planning everything.
(LAUGHING) You're funny.
(LAUGHING) Yeah, I am.
Colm says he can easily
get us into the front door,
and according to him,
the only security camera is
right there at that entrance,
so if we park here at
other side of the building,
we just have to cover our
faces until we get inside.
So we're gonna need
some kind of disguises.
Okay, well if you're
going to be typing up
the combinations tomorrow,
I suppose I could
probably go get us
some disguises if you like.
NICOLE: Great.
(BELLS TINKLING)
- Hm, grand day, isn't it?
- 'Tis, yeah.
VALERIE: So you're shopping
for the wife, are you?
I am, yeah.
Tell me something.
Is she a very big woman or
is she a very small woman?
That's not important.
Oh but it is, it's
extremely important.
Well then, she's a thin woman.
Look, I just want to buy these.
Absolutely not.
What?
You take my advice now and
put these two back on the shelf
if you don't want to get
into the height of trouble
when you get home.
What do you mean?
What do I mean, says he.
Sure aren't these two
the very largest size
that's available to womanhood.
Well to be honest, I'm
not really sure of her size,
I, so I just need to
take the small ones
and the extra large
ones just in case.
But haven't you already told
me she's a very thin woman?
Yes, I have but, well,
they're not for her, okay.
I mean the small ones
are, but the large ones,
they're for someone
else entirely.
I see how it is now all right.
Well there's no doubt about it,
but the sacrament of marriage
isn't worth a single freckle
of what it used to be.
No, no, it's not
like that at all.
When it comes to men
and their fancy women,
there's not one single
morsel of a moral left
inside any of their
godforsaken adulterous heads.
Look, even if that was true,
it's none of your
business, okay?
I just came in here
to buy something,
so, so let me buy it
and I'll be on my way.
Hello Jim.
JIM: Yeah.
If you feel like
dropping round to the shop
in the next couple of minutes,
you never know what
you might find.
What's going on?
I can guarantee you
that even if it doesn't
happen straightaway,
any married man who engages
in such vulgar
adulterous activities
will most definitely get
his comeuppance in the end.
(DRAMATIC DRUMMING MUSIC)
(BRIGHT QUIRKY MUSIC)
(SIREN WAILING)
You called the guards? (SIGHS)
If I can get something
on this fella now,
we can knock off for
the rest of the day.
Jim, don't move.
There's a fella behind you
who has a gun
pointed at your head.
JIM: What?
I got you a beauty.
Who's the bastard now, hah?
Oh you are.
You're definitely the bastard.
KIERAN: And now I get to go
home for the rest of the day.
- How's it going there?
- How's it going?
(CAR HORN BEEPING)
Are you aware that your
tax disc has expired?
I, yeah, well it's
just by a couple of days,
and you know to be honest,
that's the first
time in my whole life
that I didn't renew it.
It doesn't matter if
it's a couple of days
or a couple of minutes, you
still have to pay the fine.
Wow, nothing like this has
ever happened to me before.
You know I couldn't
help noticing
that your friend played a
bit of a joke on you before.
Oh begod, he did.
And I can't believe
I fell for it.
Well I don't know if
you'd be interested,
but maybe I could help you try
to play a joke on him, you know.
And then if he falls for it,
you see, you got him back
and I could keep
my driving record
as clean as it's always been.
He's probably gone
home to the house.
I tell you what, why
don't we hop into your car
and drive over there.
And when we get there,
you blow the horn,
and as soon as Kieran comes out,
you throw me out
onto the ground,
I'll go face-down on the dirt,
and he'll think I'm
completely dead on the ground.
No, no, no, I
was just thinking
that maybe I could do
something like, you know,
I could ring him up
and pretend, you know,
you hurt your big
toe or something
and I'm the doctor asking
him to come pick you up.
And then and he'd
drive all the way
to the hospital and I
wouldn't even be there?
Yeah, exactly.
No, no, let's go
with the other one.
Hop in there and we'll
drive around to the house.
No, no, listen, I'm sorry.
I don't know why I said that.
You know it's just been
a really strange week,
and I haven't
really been myself,
so why don't you give me a fine
for the tax disc, and and...
- Hey.
- We'll call it a day.
You know now, I
have plenty of ways
of finding a lot
more wrong with a car
besides an expired tax disc.
You can be absolutely
sure of that.
BRENDAN: That's a nice house.
- And the both of ye live here?
- Uh huh.
Now you blow the horn, and
then boot me out of the car.
What do you mean boot
you out of the car?
Lift up your leg, and then
kick me as hard as you can
and send me flying
out onto the ground.
No, no, listen,
I can you know,
maybe I can blow the horn,
but if you want to do that,
then I think you should
probably make your own way
out of the car.
(CAR HORN HONKING)
Jim, Jim, Jimmy,
are you all right?
Jim, are you all right, boy?
(JIM YELLING)
(LAUGHING) I got you
an absolute beauty, hah?
KIERAN: You scared the
living daylights out of me.
And you thought I was
completely dead on the ground,
didn't you? (LAUGHING)
Oh begod, I did.
So who's the bastard now, hah?
Oh you are, Jim, you're
definitely the bastard.
And don't you forget it.
And another thing.
What?
I don't think we'll
have any problem reaching
our criminal quota
for the month.
Is that right, Jim?
Hm, he gave me a right good
whack on the side of the head.
Oh I can see a
mark there all right.
But you...
JIM: You have the
right to remain silent.
Anything you say
can and will be held
against you in a court of law.
But, he forced forced
my hand to I didn't...
That sounds like an
admission of guilt to me.
Absolutely, and I'm sure that
that's how a judge
will see it as well.
Here's how it is.
First, Kieran got me
by making me think that
you had a gun pointed
to the back of my head.
Then yourself and myself got
Kieran by making him think
that I was stone
dead on the ground,
and now the two of us got you
by arresting you for
assaulting a guard.
A good whack on
the side of the head.
And we got you an absolute
beauty, didn't we, Kieran?
Oh we did.
I'd say that's probably
one of our best ever, is it?
I'd say it's in
the top 20 anyway.
Oh, top 15 surely.
So I'm not really
under arrest?
Oh God, no,
what kind of fellas do
you think we are at all?
I don't really know.
(ENGINE REVVING)
Good luck to you now.
BRENDAN: All right,
thanks very much.
It was a great laugh, lads.
Thanks, thanks a
million, bye bye now.
All the best to you now, boy.
Yeah, all the best.
(SIGHS) God Almighty.
And then after they handcuffed
me, and I started, you know,
thinking about the possibility
of spending half
my life in jail,
I realized that I can't keep
up this kind of charade.
You know, I mean
the last few days
with you have just
been fantastic,
but you know the truth is
that I've been living a lie,
and no matter what
the consequences,
now I feel that I just
have to tell you the truth.
Okay, what are you What are
you trying to say exactly?
Well I...
(PHONE RINGING)
I would, just
hold on one second.
Hello.
Are you the wife of a fella
with a car that has a
number plate 99G2416?
I'm sorry, who is this?
Never mind who I am.
Did you know that your
husband is having an affair
with another woman?
He's a good for nothing
philandering little scamp.
Who is this?
How did you get our number?
I'm a woman the
same as yourself
who once trusted a scoundrel
that ended up dragging my heart
over the fiery coals.
And if you have any respect
for yourself whatsoever,
you won't let the same
thing happen to you.
(PHONE CLICKS)
(PHONE LINE BUZZING)
NICOLE: So you have
been living a lie.
Yeah, I mean that
that's what I've been
trying to tell you.
NICOLE: And what about now.
I mean is it still going on?
No, no, it's not.
I mean I know
we've had our issues,
but I never thought you
were the kind of guy
to just sleep with
another woman.
What, I didn't sleep
with another woman.
Really?
Of course not.
So then there was
nothing physical?
Only with you.
Oh, thank God.
Oh, I mean I could hardly
blame you for wanting
to connect with someone else,
especially on an
emotional level,
considering how distant I've
been these past few months,
but I mean I feel
like I've been really moving
past all that, you know.
I mean especially now that
I know who you really are.
And, you know, especially
since you were gonna,
you were gonna tell
me the whole truth.
From now on, you are not gonna
connect with anyone else.
Not even on an
emotional level, right?
- Right.
- Right?
Yeah.
Okay, so do you want
to go over those little safe
combinations one more time?
Yeah, yeah I do.
Okay.
(BRIGHT UPBEAT MUSIC)
So the only security camera is
outside the front door, right?
COLM: Yes.
NICOLE: Okay, so we should
put on our disguises now
and make sure not to
take them off until
we're inside the front door.
- Okay.
- Okay, here we go.
BRENDAN: This is it.
COLM: Stay in the car,
do not move, do not get out,
and only use the walkie talkie
if you see someone coming, okay?
Okay.
(NICOLE GIGGLING)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
COLM: Over there.
NICOLE: Okay, let's
just go through the list
until we get the right one.
I sway my eyes
in upward turn
With hopes of a higher quest
I beg the path
beneath me burn
Through a voice
that's yet to rest
But I'm changing for
the better every day
NICOLE: 36.
Ever since you've
come my way
SHANE: Hey, Good Buddy.
Is something wrong?
Is there someone coming?
Do you hear me?
Shane can you hear me?
Are you over?
No, we're not over.
We'll be out when we are, okay?
SHANE: No, are you over
on the walkie talkie, over.
Just tell me is everything
all right out there?
Is every
over.
Well Good Buddy, Good
Buddy needs to tell Big Daddy
what's going on
with Rubber Duckie,
Slim Shaker, and
American Pie, over.
Shane, just don't contact me
unless somebody is around, okay?
- 20, 85
- Over.
Is that an over, or
an over and out, over.
That's an over and
if you don't shut up,
I'll punch your lights out.
10-4 Good Buddy.
This an over and out
from Big Daddy, too.
You have knocked me over
I can't breathe
alone through silence
I can't take these
passing moments
I can't leave these
thoughts unsettled
Ever since you've
come my way
COLM: How's it looking?
Well we're down
to the last two.
BRENDAN: Okay.
All right.
BRENDAN: No.
(SIGHS) This is it.
No.
NICOLE: Oh my God.
COLM: What?
I didn't allow for
enough possibilities.
I'm pretty sure that,
oh if you have a margin of
error in the first position,
and then it increases
in the next position,
and then with every
position after that.
I can't believe I
didn't remember that.
It's the propagation of errors.
God, there's not hundreds
of possibilities.
There's thousands.
SHANE: Sky,
car,
car,
car.
Car, car!
This is never gonna work.
I'm sorry.
There's a car and
and it's stopping over.
- Where Shane?
- No hang on,
I didn't say over.
Well I did say over, but
it was over and not over.
The next word I was
going to say was there,
so it was stopping over there,
not over, which is over.
Okay, Shane, okay.
Just stay low and
be quiet, okay?
Now turn off your walkie talkie,
and stay out of
sight, over and out.
Okay guys, come on.
Shut the door,
turn off the light.
(FOOTSTEPS TAPPING)
Now, what can I get you?
Did you remember to get
anything other than whisky?
Oh sorry, I forgot.
I suppose whisky
will have to do then.
Right.
(MCSWEENY HUMMING SOFTLY)
There you go.
Thanks.
You're not having ice?
Nah, I think I'll have
it straight tonight.
And there I was
thinking you were a man
that was set in his ways.
Hm. (LAUGHS)
- What's this?
- What's what?
This.
Ronan McSweeny, are
you cheating on me?
Of course not, I'm
a man of principles.
I wouldn't cheat on anyone.
Really?
Well except for my wife, but
that's completely different.
So I'm the only woman
you ever brought here?
Of course you are.
Except for my wife, but that
was a really long time ago.
You know what I think?
What?
I think you're cheating
on me with your wife.
Ah for Heaven's sake.
Would you have a bit of cop on.
You know that nothing's
happened between me and my wife
for well over a decade.
Then why in God's name
do you refuse to leave her?
MCSWEENY: I told you why.
She owns over half the company,
and the house is in
her name as well.
I'd be left with
practically nothing.
SARAH: So it's
all about money?
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Ah Sarah, for God's
sake, have a bit of sense.
What do you take me
for in God's name?
I should've known.
In all the years of being
your fool of a mistress,
you've been messing around
with your wife behind my back.
Ah for heaven's sake.
Don't be so ridiculous.
I would never think
of any other woman
like that besides you.
Especially my wife.
(WALKIE TALKIE CLICKS)
SHANE: What's going on, over.
(TENSE MUSIC)
(MCSWEENY GROANS)
You have knocked me over
I can't breathe
alone through silence
I can't take these
passing moments
I can't leave these
thoughts unsettled
Ever since you've
come my way
BRENDAN: How could you
have not known about this?
Me?
Ye were the ones
putting it in the bags.
Yeah, but you're the one
who's been monitoring the
safe for the last two months.
The nanny cam only films
the front of the safe.
All the Irish punts
must've been in the back.
NICOLE: And how long
has the Irish pound been
- out of circulation?
- Since 2002.
So obviously he's
been stacking it away
a lot longer than we thought.
Too many bubbles.
Too many bubbles.
NICOLE: And they're
just not good anymore?
No, they're not.
Well I mean at least
we have some in euro.
I mean it's probably
like 20,000.
Hm, that's not too bad.
But there must be three times
that amount in Irish pounds.
I just don't understand why he
didn't change them into euros
when he had the chance.
Well maybe changing
over a large sum of cash
over a short period of time
would've been a red flag
to the tax department.
The central bank,
it's our only option.
BRENDAN: How
is that an option?
COLM: They still exchange
Irish pounds, they have to.
Look, even even if they do,
we can't just wander
in there with wads
of outdated cash in our hands.
Why not?
Well because what
are we supposed to say?
Oh oh you know this morning
I was changing the sheets
on my bed, and 60,000
quid just happened
to fall out from
under my mattress.
COLM: We can do it in stages.
(LAUGHING) Use the hairdryer.
Sure, people are always
finding stacks of money
in pockets of old coats
and things like that.
If we do it 50 quid at a time,
it won't look suspicious.
Right, so we're supposed to
go in there every single week
for the next what, 20
or 30 years and say,
oh well this particular
50 quid I happened to find
in an old overcoat
that's different
from all the other
thousands of overcoats
that I've been finding
money in for the last,
you know three or four decades.
Yeah, nothing
suspicious about that.
Yeah, and isn't the
central bank in Dublin?
Yeah, it is.
So if you factor in the
five or six hour drive
it would take to get there and
back, and expenses like fuel,
and wear and tear on the
car, and maybe a meal,
you're gonna be
running at a loss.
So what are we supposed to do?
It's still money.
It's still worth something.
No, it's not.
Not in this situation.
And you know, we
can't leave it here.
McSweeny might've already
reported it stolen.
No, he wouldn't have.
Not unless he wants the
revenue commissioner
down on his head.
(SHANE GASPING)
You know what,
Brendan's right.
We have to get rid of it.
You know, we'll just
give it to some charity.
No one's gonna suspect them.
If they can find a way
to change it into euro,
at least we know it
went to a good cause.
But that's us,
we're the good cause.
Look, we don't have
to decide now, okay?
Why don't we just put
the money somewhere,
we'll get some sleep,
and we'll just work out
what to do later on.
(SIGHS) Okay.
Do you still
think that our share
of the euro will be enough
to build the talking fridge?
Well it's not as
much as we expected,
but I'm sure we
could at least build
some kind of a prototype.
If that's what you
still want to do.
(LAUGHING) Yeah, we're
building a prototype.
BRENDAN: Yeah, we're
building a prototype.
(NICOLE SIGHS)
- Brendan, Brendan, wake up.
- What?
Something happened
to the money.
What, what happened?
One of the bags is missing.
It's the one with all the euro.
Well who would've taken it?
From tainted ground
where we once lay
We call forth a brighter day
Shielded 'neath
a falling tide
All our dreams coincide
If only to share the
taste of summer rain
Embrace this
moment's refrain
SHANE: Shane
here, leave a message
and I'll phone you back there.
BRENDAN: Shane, it's Brendan.
We're on our way to your house,
so just wait for us there, okay,
and if you're not there,
just phone me back.
Don't do anything stupid, okay.
SHANE: There you go,
Sister, enjoy that now.
Oh how humble my eyes
As we feel the
earth's release
And beg this moment
to bring peace
NICOLE: That's him,
that's him, there he is.
(CAR HORN HONKING)
Carried by the dawn
of a drifting moon
All our fears stand imune
Ye said it was dangerous
keeping it inside,
and then I heard
ye say ye wanted
to give it to charity,
so that's what I did.
We were talking about
the pounds, not the euro.
It wasn't euro.
I looked inside, and
I saw it was pounds.
Well then you must've
only looked at the very top.
How do you, how
do you know that?
Well, because look,
Shane, what happened was,
okay we put the 20,000
euro in the blue bag,
then we filled up the
white bag with pounds,
but then there were
some pounds left over,
so we took those and we
put them in the blue bag
on top of the euro, okay?
(SIGHS) Now for the last
time, where did you leave it?
(SHANE WHIMPERING)
(COINS RATTLING)
(BELLS RINGING)
NICOLE: Are there even
any nuns left anymore?
BRENDAN: Yeah, but
there's not that many,
so probably nobody's
even seen it yet.
NICOLE: Aw, hopefully.
BRENDAN: You know if
there really is a God,
we're gonna get to that
money before the nuns do.
(LIGHT, ANGELIC MUSIC)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
NICOLE: Blow the
horn, blow the horn.
BRENDAN: I don't
want to scare the dog.
NICOLE: For 20,000 euro.
(CAR HORN HONKING)
(DOG HOWLING)
Why are these streets so narrow?
BRENDAN: 'Cause
they were built
when people only had horses.
NICOLE: Well they
should've waited
till cars were invented
BRENDAN: Excuse me, ma'am.
Excuse me, we're in
a bit of a hurry.
- Would you mind just...
- You, again?
- I'm, we're just, we gotta...
- You whippersnapper.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Praise be to God.
But is it enough
to save the school?
Oh indeed it is, Ukaria.
Indeed it is. (LAUGHING)
Thanks be to God.
Amen.
Yeah but even if we
could break in there,
the nuns probably have it
stashed away somewhere.
We're never gonna find it.
COLM: We have to
get it, it's our money.
No, it's not.
Well, it's not
the nuns' money.
They didn't steal it.
Oh, well then all we
have to do is go down
to the courthouse
and tell the judge
that we're the
ones that stole it.
I'm not saying
it's ours legally.
I'm saying morally.
Yeah, and how do we even know
the nuns haven't called
the police already?
Because they need the money
so their school
doesn't shut down.
That's, that's why
I gave it to them.
- Colm!
- Colm!
He's probably right.
I mean if they've been
asking for donations,
why would they even question it?
We'll go over to the
convent and tell the nuns
that we're the
commissioner of schools
and that we will leave their
school open indefinitely
for 20,000 euros up
front, no questions asked.
Yeah, or we could
just go in there
and tell them we're
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph,
and we need 20,000 euro to
stop heaven from closing down.
Well at least we tried.
Maybe it's just not meant to be.
How do you mean?
Well it's been a
very exciting week,
but maybe we're just
fooling ourselves.
You think so?
It certainly feels
that way. (SIGHS)
We'll dress up as guards.
What?
Myself and Colm, we'll
dress up as guards,
and we'll go in there
and tell the nuns
that the money is stolen
and just demand that
they hand it over.
You want to impersonate
a police officer?
Yeah, yeah, that's
exactly what I want to do.
I mean all I need is...
Those two guards who
pretended to arrest me,
if I can find a way
back into their house,
I'll just steal their uniforms.
Really?
Yeah, yeah, I mean actually,
I can find a way back
into their house.
I remember after they
took the handcuffs off me,
I went into the bathroom,
and I was thinking if
they try anything else,
I can just escape out
through the window
'cause it wasn't even locked.
And you think it
still might be open?
Yeah, I mean lots of people
leave their bathroom window
open all the time.
Sneaking in there like that,
isn't that kind of risky?
Of course it's risky.
But what do I care about
a little thing like risk?
I mean I'm not gonna let
something like that stop us
from getting where
we need to be.
I mean I'm just not
that kind of a person.
We should go now?
Now?
I mean the guards
are probably sleeping,
and at this time of night,
we could be there and
back with the uniforms
in less than an hour.
Yeah, yeah, I mean
we probably could,
but I mean the other
thing we could do is
we could just stay here and,
you know, take advantage
of these really exciting
feelings that we're having.
No, no, no, this
is too exciting.
Come on, get up.
We are stealing garda uniforms.
Yeah.
(BRIGHT UPBEAT MUSIC)
(BRENDAN SIGHS)
NICOLE: Well even
if it's not open,
we'll have to find
another way in.
BRENDAN: Yeah.
NICOLE: And you're
sure they don't have guns?
BRENDAN: No, guards in
Ireland never carry guns.
NICOLE: Well how
do they shoot people?
- They don't.
- Well what do they do?
BRENDAN: I don't know,
they have truncheons.
NICOLE: Oh, and
those have bullets?
- No, of course not.
- Oh.
BRENDAN: But if
you got over the head
with one of those things,
it could really crack
open your skull.
NICOLE: Oh, okay.
Okay, so what I'm gonna do
is I'm just gonna go in there,
I'm gonna grab the
uniforms and be back...
No, no, no, no, I
should go in there.
I'm gonna fit more easily
through the window.
No, you're not.
And anyway it's my idea,
so I should be the
one who goes in there.
Why wouldn't I fit more
easily through the window?
Well because even though
I have broader shoulders,
I can just pull them in, and
once I get past my chest,
I don't have any hips
to worry about, so...
And I do?
No, no, no you don't,
I didn't mean that, I...
Okay, fine, so the
uniforms are at the end
of the kitchen table?
Yeah, yeah,
yeah, well at least
that's where they hung
them the day I was there,
and I assume
they're still there.
Actually I can just
make them out from here.
They hung their hats
and their jackets.
I think actually their
shirts are in there as well.
I could grab them, and I
could be out in five seconds,
I mean, and actually I
could even open that door
from the inside and come
straight out this way.
I...
(DOOR SQUEAKING)
What, what are you doing?
What, Nicole, come
back, come back.
You locked the window?
(JIM GROANING)
Kieran, is that you?
What?
- I said is that you?
- Course it is.
Who else would it be.
Okay, God, I know we
haven't communicated
in a really long time, and
well it's mostly your fault.
I mean in fairness,
you're very aloof.
But if you do happen to exist,
maybe you could
just first of all
just get Nicole out of this
and then maybe make
it so that she,
she, you understand what I mean.
I know you're single
and everything,
and maybe it works for you,
but I don't think it'd
be very good for me.
(DOOR SQUEAKING)
(URINE TINKLING)
No, no, no, no, go, go back.
(DOOR SQUEAKING)
Sh, sh, sh.
(BRIGHT UPBEAT MUSIC)
This may be the
best day of our life
For all we know
tomorrow may not come
This may be the
moment of our youth
Maybe the truth
has just begun
All the daylight
turns through our eyes
We move beyond the
path of compromise
Have you got
butterflies in your belly?
No, but your coat
is really smelly.
You don't look very steady.
Well I don't think
you're really ready.
What do you want?
- A mani/pedi?
- What's a mani/pedi?
It's a manicure pedicure.
Abbreviations don't count.
Oh really?
Yeah, sorry.
- Oh, why not?
- They just don't.
Right, should we do this?
Yeah, let's do it.
NICOLE: All right, good
luck Officer McCarthy.
BRENDAN: Thank you, Ma'am.
Although I probably
shouldn't use my real name.
NICOLE: Yeah, probably not.
BRENDAN: You're gonna do
most of the talking, right?
COLM: Don't worry,
we'll be grand.
BRENDAN: Are you sure?
COLM: Of course, sure
those nuns are easily fooled.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
COLM: Thank you
very much, sister.
You're very welcome.
So how can I be of assistance?
Well Sister, we're
gathering information
with regards to monies
that went missing
over this past weekend.
Monies?
Well, yes monies.
I mean it is money,
but there happens to be two
different currencies involved,
so it may be more
appropriate to say monies.
The majority of it is in euro,
but there happens to be some
Irish pounds in there as well.
Irish pounds you say?
I do, Sister, yes.
And so we were wondering
if you might have come
into contact with said
monies at any stage
during the last weekend?
Do you know something?
You look very familiar to me.
I do?
Yes, you do.
Well you've
probably seen me out
and about you know,
on my, my beat.
Hm, that's probably
it all right.
As I was saying, Sister,
we were wondering
if you may have come
into contact with the
aforementioned monies in question?
You'd wonder why would anyone
have Irish pounds on them
in this day and age.
I mean they'd be of hardly
any value at all, would they?
No, they probably wouldn't,
but as for the 20,000 euro,
now that would definitely
have a value of,
well of 20,000 euro.
You're probably right there.
Are you absolutely sure
that yourself and myself
haven't met somewhere before?
Yes, Sister, I am.
And where would you be from?
I'm from here,
from, from Cork.
You don't seem to have
a very strong Cork accent.
Well, I used to live abroad,
and you see my wife
is a foreigner.
You know sometimes I tend
to pick up things, you know.
Is that right?
So, Sister, if
you have information
that might help us
with our investigation,
we would really
like you to tell us.
You wouldn't be Mary
McCarthy's son, would you?
No, Sister, no, no I wouldn't.
Well then whose
son would you be?
I'd be Mary,
Mary Murphy's son.
See, she'd be my
mother, you see,
and so then I'd be her son.
Now it is believed to
have been dropped off
on the steps of
this very convent
by a five-foot brown-haired
man who happened
to be driving a bicycle.
You know Mary
McCarthy's son was married
to a foreigner as well.
Really?
I think she was an American.
I remember it clearly now.
A few months before
Mary McCarthy died,
I heard her son was
getting married,
and I said I'll pop my
head into the church
just for the ceremony.
And it was only when the
bride was saying her vows
that I realized
where she was from.
My wife is definitely
not an American, so...
- No.
- No, she...
Do you know
something about me?
I've been teaching in
the primary school here
for the last 42 years.
And when you've been
teaching young children
of that age for
as long as I have,
you develop an impeccable sense
of when someone is being
genuine and when they're not.
Now I mustn't be late
for mass, gentlemen.
It's very important
for someone like me
to set a good example to the
rest of the congregation.
Just like your mother,
God rest her soul,
believed she was setting
a good example for you.
And you can rest
assured, gentlemen,
that any and all information
I possess on the matter,
I will divulge to Sergeant
O'Connell himself directly.
(BELL RINGING)
The other Irish
pounds, we should,
we should probably burn them.
Brendan, if she's
called the police,
they can be here in
like 10 seconds flat.
Yeah, yeah, I know that,
but Nicole you're not gonna
have to worry about that
'cause I just
booked you a ticket.
What?
Yeah, and I used everything
that was in our savings account,
and it's a nonrefundable
ticket, so you have to go.
Huh, no, I'm not
going anywhere.
God, I can't believe we
didn't get rid of these.
Look I tried to get
you on an earlier one,
but the earliest
one I could get is
at seven o'clock tomorrow night,
so all you have to do is
just lay low for 24 hours,
and then you'll be safely
on your way back to America.
Brendan, we're in
this together, okay?
I mean all we have to do is
just get rid of the evidence,
and everything's gonna be fine.
We're not.
We're not in anything together.
Look I know when we first
got married it seemed
like I was a very
adventurous person,
but that was because we
were falling in love.
You know, that was the
adventure, and to be honest,
I've, I've never wanted
anything more than that.
And I know you wanted to
do the talking fridge idea,
I mean we should've, and we
didn't because I was afraid.
And that's who I am, and you
deserve better than that,
so all you gotta do is just
lay low for the next 24 hours,
get on that plane, and
just get on with your life.
(DOOR KNOCKING)
CLIFFORD: Brendan
Hugh McCarthy?
Yeah.
I'm Detective Clifford,
this is Detective Coleman.
You're under arrest on
suspicion of robbery,
suspicion of
impersonating a guard,
and the illegal possession
of a Garda uniform.
You have the right
to remain silent.
Anything you say can and
will be held against you
in a court of law.
Wait, Where are
you taking him?
He'll have a chance to
phone you when he gets there.
(GENTLE GUITAR MUSIC)
Yeah, that's right,
we have him now.
Yeah.
(CLOCK TICKING)
(LAUGHING) Well begod, hah?
We got you, didn't we, Kieran?
Oh we did, we definitely did.
And you hadn't a
clue in the world
that it was the pair of us
that was behind it, did you?
What's going on?
I'll tell you exactly
what's going on.
First Kieran got me
by making me think
that you had a gun pointed
to the back of my head.
Top 29.
Then yourself
and myself got him
by making him think that I
was stone dead on the ground.
Top 26.
Then myself and himself
got you by making you think
that you were after being
arrested for assaulting a guard.
Top 17.
And then you got us by
breaking into our house
in the middle of the night.
Top 32.
And now we've got you
back even better than that
by sending the lads
around to arrest you
for stealing the
pair of our uniforms.
Top 14.
So you knew about that?
Sure of course we did.
And you very nearly
got away with it, too.
It was only that I was
climbing back into the bed
and I heard a noise from
outside the front of the house,
and I got up and I looked out
the window, didn't I Kieran?
Oh you did.
Yeah, and when I saw
that it was your car
that was driving away
into the distance,
- do you know what I said?
- No.
I said fair play
to that bastard.
He got us an absolute beauty.
And then do you
know what I said?
No.
I said we'll get him back an
even better beauty than that
when we send the lads
around to arrest him
and make him think he's
being taken off to the jail.
Didn't I say that Kieran?
Oh the very words,
Jim, the very words.
So they said that
I was under suspicion
of impersonating a guard
'cause why else would
anyone steal Garda uniforms?
But I was just getting ye back
for the joke ye played on me
because I'm such a prankster.
That's exactly it.
So who's the bastard now, hah?
Ye are, both of ye.
You're definitely
a pair of bastards.
And don't you forget it.
(GUARDS LAUGHING)
But I honestly thought that
we were gonna get arrested,
so I was just saying
whatever I needed to say
to get you to go
safely back to America.
So everything you said
this afternoon was a lie,
but everything you told me
before that this week
has been the truth?
Well, no I mean, yes,
I have been putting on
a kind of an act, but...
I think I need to
use that plane ticket.
What?
I can be packed and
ready by tomorrow night.
Nicole, we're not
going to get caught.
I mean if the nun was
going to turn us in,
she'd definitely
have done it by now.
I just wish I'd stuck
to my original decision,
and then we wouldn't be locked
into this nonrefundable ticket,
and we could've started
the divorce proceedings
before I left.
Divorce proceedings?
But we've just had the
single greatest week
of our married life.
And the entire time
you've been lying to me
about who you really are.
So,
it's yourself again, is it?
This is a fine state of affairs.
A fine state of affairs indeed.
Was it you that dragged Mary
McCarthy's boy into this,
or was it him that dragged you?
It was me, Sister.
It was all my idea.
And was it just the two
of ye that stole the money,
or was there someone
else involved as well?
It was just the two of us.
Do you know what I can't
stand more than anything else?
The devil?
A bare-faced lie.
Now you tell me exactly
who you were talking about
when you were up here
dressed as a guard,
and you told me the money
had been dropped off
by a five-foot, brown-haired
fella driving a bicycle.
Well, Sister,
it was just that...
Tell me the truth, or
I swear by Almighty God,
I'll be on to Sargent O'Connell,
and it'll be straight into
jail with the pair of ye.
(PHONE RINGING)
Yeah, what?
What?
What the hell are
you doing there?
Yeah, I told you not.
(SIGHS) Yeah, all right, okay.
Yeah, look, okay, I'll be
there as soon as I can.
(PHONE CLICKS)
And now the other fella.
You need some help?
Oh, um, no actually,
I'm almost done.
Yeah, actually, I sort of
need to get going anyway.
Oh, you're going to work?
I don't think I'm actually
gonna make it in there today.
Right.
I know your flight's
not till this evening,
but there's a really good chance
that I might not get to see
you again before you go.
So this is goodbye?
At least it's been an
interesting week. (LAUGHS)
NICOLE: It has.
The divorce papers,
I'll, I'll organize those
and, you know, probably I'll
just have to just send them
over to you and you'll
probably just have to sign them
and just send them back, so
you're not gonna have to,
- you know, worry about that.
- Thanks.
And when your permanent
residency comes through,
I'll just you know,
just tell them you
don't need them anymore.
And, that'll, um
yeah, so you can just,
you can just, you know,
forget about that.
Okay.
Well, have a good flight.
NICOLE: Thanks, I will.
(SOMBER MUSIC)
Why would I bring my wife.
Who said anything about my wife?
We have to know the rules.
In other words the?
Commandments.
Stretch up to the heavens.
And how does that feel?
ALL: Good, Sister, yeah.
What commandment comes
after thou shalt
not commit adultery?
Brendan?
Um.
Back of the class.
Thou shalt not steal.
Good boy, that's right.
Now come up here and
sit in the front row.
Now stretch down to
the depths of hell.
And how does that feel?
ALL: Not good sister.
ASSUMPTA: Colm?
Moses.
Back of the class.
Now sideways to purgatory.
Thou
Shalt
Not
Steal
And how long might we
have to live in purgatory
if we don't repent?
ALL: A very
long time, Sister.
To Heaven or to
hell.
SHANE: Sister,
would this be Limbo?
Turn the wind onto itself
Still the ocean tide
Burn the light
that bleeds my eyes
Take prisoner of my pride
Dare to draw this
veil across my sky
On your knees.
And drifting over
the edge of this day
I know
The time to start.
I could somehow find my way
If you would only
Now.
Walk with me
ALL: Please forgive me Lord
for I am very sorry
for what I've done.
Please forgive me, Lord,
for I am very sorry
for what I've done.
Say your prayers.
MEN: Sorry for
what I've done.
Please forgive me, Lord,
for I am very sorry
for what I've done.
Forgive me Lord.
ALL: Please forgive me
Lord for what I've done.
We'll have a short break now.
Be back here in 10 minutes.
(ALL WHIMPERING)
NICOLE: Excuse me, Sister.
Yes, child.
Um, I know I have a few
more hours of prayer left,
but I was wondering if I
could leave a little early.
There's just somewhere
I really need to be
in about half an hour.
- Will you have a cup of tea?
- No, thank you.
It's no bother to
pour an extra cup,
and we might as well
not waste the water.
It really is a
beautiful building.
Indeed it is.
It'll be an awful shame
when we have to leave it.
You didn't raise enough
to save the school?
Unfortunately not.
Couldn't you
just use the money
that was left on your doorstep?
No, child.
Now that I know
where it came from,
I'm going to have to ensure
that those that stole it,
return it to its rightful owner.
And where will you live?
I imagine it won't be far.
Not like yourself having
to live thousands of miles
from your homeland.
Actually that's why
I need to leave early.
I'm gonna move
there permanently.
My flight's at seven, and
it's a nonrefundable ticket.
I suppose that means
that Brendan will want
to be leaving early, too?
No, no, actually he's
not coming with me.
Did Brendan ever tell you
that I was in the church
on the morning you got married?
Yeah, he mentioned it.
I remember the two of
ye walking down the aisle
with the love of each
other deep in your hearts.
It was an exciting time.
And it's not anymore?
You know I traveled
to your country once.
Really?
I still remember the excitement
of stepping on a plane
for the first time in my life,
and being raised up from
the ground, and after that,
ah, it was nothing to see
at all only long stretches
of ocean that bored
me to distraction.
Something I could
never have imagined
in the very first moments
when I was being
elevated to the heavens.
But you know something,
it was a truly
wonderful journey.
You're free to do
whatever you please.
But choose wisely, child.
There's one thing you have
to remember about life,
it's completely
nonrefundable, too.
(SOMBER MUSIC)
MEN: Please forgive me, Lord,
for I am very sorry
for what I've done.
Please forgive me, Lord,
for I am sorry for
what I've done.
Please forgive me, Lord,
for I am sorry for
what I've done.
Please forgive me, Lord,
for I am sorry for
what I've done.
ALL: Please forgive me, Lord,
for I am sorry for
what I've done.
Please forgive me, Lord,
for I am sorry for
what I've done.
Please forgive me, Lord,
for I am sorry for
what I've done.
Walk with me
You know if we ever wanted
to commit another crime,
I think we've done enough penance
to be forgiven in advance.
That is true.
So what was it that
changed your mind about us?
I just figured even if
there's gonna be long stretches
of ocean that I didn't want to
be staring at it without you.
Well I don't exactly know
what that means, but I like it.
Hm, you know what's
gonna be really exciting?
What?
Paying all of
our bills on time
and still being able
to follow our dream.
Yeah, that would be exciting,
but I don't really know how
we could afford a prototype.
I think there's a way.
The thing is Mr. McSweeny,
we have it on very
good authority
that you were in possession
of a large sum of money
which had never been declared
to the governmental
offices of taxation.
Revenue.
And the pair of us fellas
being officers of the law
and also being in possession
of a very high level
of detection skills,
have taken it upon ourselves
to get to the very bottom...
Core.
The very bottom
of the situation.
Now for starters, I
want you to show me
all records of all
transactions made
by this company over the past...
Two.
Five.
Four.
Six years.
I'll see what I can find.
Good man.
How's it going there lads?
(LAUGHING) Ye got
my anonymous letter
about McSweeny, did ye?
Oh begod we did.
And right here's
all the evidence
they're ever going to need.
And we should have known
that it was from you.
Shouldn't we Kieran?
Oh we should have, yeah,
we definitely should have.
You're going to give me
and the other workers the
25% raise that we deserve.
You will also be required to
make a legitimate donation
to the convent down the road
to stop their school
from closing down.
I mean, here
was the two of us,
thinking that we had
our first ever sniff
of a white collar crime.
And the whole time it
was nothing more than you
getting the two of
us back for sending
that pair of detectives
around to your house.
That's exactly right.
(LAUGHING) I made
the whole thing up.
Because my friend over
there is the only one
with the power to keep those
two guards off your back.
You're going to provide him and
his wife with enough capital
to get their new business
venture off the ground.
And I got you a
beauty, didn't I?
You absolutely did,
didn't he, Kieran.
Oh begod, he did.
Now why would
I do any of that?
Sure the worst that could
happen me is I'll have
to pay some back taxes,
but it's not the kind of
crime they'll throw a guy
in jail for, but
you know what is?
Robbery.
So who's the bastard now, hah?
Oh you are.
You're definitely the bastard.
COLM: This is for you.
Fair play to you,
boy. (LAUGHING)
So it's you, is it?
You dirty rotten scoundrel.
Now you listen to me
you filthy mongrel
with your young high heeled
hussy stretched out on a couch
in the middle of the night,
if I ever find out who you
are and where you live,
your wife will most definitely
be getting a visit from me.
You dirty, lying, cheating
son of a six-legged goat.
I can't give you his wife's
name and address just yet,
but I'll definitely let you
know if anything changes,
okay, bye now, bye bye.
(PHONE BEEPS)
(BRIGHT UPBEAT MUSIC)
That was great,
that was great.
I mean you'd have to admit
that'd probably be in
top the five, would it?
- Era, not at all.
- Top 10?
God no.
BRENDAN: Top 15?
KIERAN: 25.
BRENDAN: 25, well that's,
I suppose that's better than 20.
JIM: Ah you've a
long way to go yet.
Time has turned towards
all we hope to be
All its thoughts have
passed through you and me
NICOLE: Test recording
for the talking fridge, Colm.
Closing the
button on your pants
won't hurt if you choose
the frozen yogurt.
What, pants doesn't
rhyme with yogurt.
No, no, no, hurt and yogurt.
BRENDAN AND
NICOLE: No, no, no,
disqualified, disqualified, boo.
How am I disqualified?
It's hurt and yogurt.
If you eat too
much cheesecake,
looking in the mirror
will make you want
to jump in the lake.
- That's pretty good.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, it's not bad.
- I like that one.
- Really?
- Yeah.
How about, If you
eat too much chocolate,
you should be lined up
against a wall and shot.
- Oh oh.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Over.
Come on Girls.
Come on girls, welcome
back, welcome back.
No, no, Sinead, this way.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
- Sorry that we're late.
- Ah come on, girls.
MCSWEENY: There you go.
Derry.
Time has turned towards
all we hope to be
All its thoughts have
passed through you and me
- Hey.
- Hey, I think this is it.
- What, the prototype?
- Yeah.
- You want to try it out?
- Yeah, yeah, I do.
Thank you.
PROTOTYPE: If you're
doing penance for a crime,
tasting Brussels sprouts
will do just fine.
BOTH: (Laughing) It works.
Knelt upon the light
of cleansing moon
PROTOTYPE: If you listen
to all our health tips,
your heart will really love
what touches your lips.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
I like that one.
So how many have we sold today?
Ah, about a
hundred euro's worth.
Wow, that's not bad
for a Monday morning.
- No, it's not.
- So what time's your class?
1:30.
What is it today?
- Kids' nutrition.
- Right, great.
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello.
- Mr. McCarthy?
- Yes.
WOMAN: This is the
immigration office,
and we regret to inform you
that your wife's application
for Irish residency
has been denied.
BRENDAN: At the
interview, they said it was...
WOMAN: And she is hereby
instructed to leave the country.
No, I mean I don't understand.
She's my wife and...
(LAUGHING) We got
you an absolute beauty.
Didn't we Kieran?
Oh we did, we definitely did.
JIM: So who's the
bastard now, hah?
You are, you're
definitely the bastard.
And don't you forget it.
I don't think this
is ever gonna stop.
Well least it keep
things interesting.
BRENDAN: Yeah,
but I can't believe
I'm not the bastard anymore.
NICOLE: Ah,
that's okay, honey.
I'm sure that you'll be
the bastard again soon.
BRENDAN: I hope so.
(GENTLE MUSIC)
All the world is
dreaming tonight
As if everyone's vision
has turned out right
All these years
are melting away
All the darkness
has turned today
Every piece of me
passes back through you
Through me
So take my hand and
step out of the shade
Rest your gaze in mine
Let the darkness fade
Hold me close
There's no need to be afraid
Days like these
are magic made
All the skies are
burning tonight
As heaven bleeds out
its endless light
All the seas are
calling our names
Every breeze steals
away our shame
As all my thoughts turn
through your thoughts
All your thoughts through me
So take my hand and
step out of the shade
Rest your gaze in mine
And let the darkness fade
Hold me close
There's no need to be afraid
Days like these
are magic made
The ocean's are stilled
As these moments unfold
The winds are hushed
Through verses untold
The shimmering sun
embraces the tide
Every burden is cast aside
As all are holding
on fades back
Through you through me
So take my hand and
step out of the shade
Rest your gaze in mine
Let the darkness fade
Hold me close
There's no need to be afraid
Days like these
are magic made
And there's no thought
of ever losing this time
As we turn our way
towards the light
Take my hand and
step out of the shade
Rest your gaze in mine
And let the darkness fade
Hold me close
There's no need to be afraid
Days like these
are magic made
(UPBEAT MUSIC)