The Honeymoon Machine (1961) Movie Script

Missile away.
A green bird true on course.
Grand bahama report on sighting.
Grand bahama reporting,
missile honeymoon overhead.
Velocity one-four-triple o.
Pardon me, sir.
Thank you.
Computing room reports
an increase
in predicted takeoff altitude.
We'll be a little
behind schedule, sir.
How much?
E.t.a. Plus three
minutes, forty seconds.
Mr. Eldridge,
you said the missile
would land where?
The missile won't land
at all, senator.
It'll be consumed by friction
as it enters
the earth's atmosphere.
But the nose cone will zero in
off our bow six miles away.
Mr. Eldridge, just out
of idle curiosity,
yes, sir?
Suppose the nose cone yes, sir?
Six miles too soon,
perhaps here on deck.
What would that mean?
Among other things,
senator, it would mean
that the electronic brain
aboard this vessel
had made a slight mistake.
Which it never does.
Would you care to see
the brain at work?
Would you care to see
the brain at work?
I think the senators are
excellent security risks.
Right this way, gentlemen.
Thank you.
Beyond this panel lies
the cortex of the brain,
the seat of its intelligence.
Technically, the brain is
known as
"magnetic analyzer
computer synchrotron."
His friends call him "Max."
Like the human brain,
Max has no moving parts.
His gray matter consists of
four thousand vacuum tubes
and 170 miles of fine wire,
electronic nerves
producing intense
powers of concentration.
You don't mean Max
actually thinks?
As we understand thinking, no.
But he has a superhuman memory
and a super-analytical mind.
Since the missile
left its launching pad,
Max has been keeping
a running prediction
of its course.
He's telling us now that
the cone will hit its Mark
in exactly
1 minute and 4 seconds.
Let's go, gentlemen.
Out of bearing 0-0-3 degrees.
Distance, 12,100 yards.
Right on the nose, sir.
6 miles, 100 yards.
Congratulations, Mr. Eldridge.
Thank you.
Incredible. It's amazing.
Attention all Navy
and civilian personnel.
This is captain Adams speaking.
Operation honeymoon
has been completed
you'll be proud to learn that
your ship has tracked
an I.C.B.M. Across 6,000
miles of ocean
with an accuracy
never before attained
in the history of telemetry.
For your efforts...
Throw that doodle on the floor.
- Right there.
- You're covered.
And this, my friend,
declares the same.
Fergie, roll them
strong and true.
The point I was using,
gentlemen, is little Joe.
Little Joe from kokomo.
He did it again.
Old buddy, you're hotter
than a $2 pistol.
Gentlemen, we will
shoot the 200.
And while congratulations
are in order,
let us not forget our
top-secret friend Max.
Max, who predicted with such
the course of the missile.
Max, predict us now, predict
us, Max, a 7.
And if you can't predict us a 7,
then predict us an 11.
I was praying to Max.
Don't pray to Max...
Pray to me, I've got the dice.
And I predict a 7.
Fergie, the great predictor,
greater than Max, who knows all.
Who needs Max when
we have the great Fergie?
Valuable data,
will now with the aid
of electronic
equipment enlarge...
Snake eyes, craps and out.
Buddy, what happened?
I should have prayed to Max.
Come on, Fergie,
you're still rolling.
Should feel proud
and honored to be part
of this gigantic undertaking.
You have seen history in
the making here today.
I might even say
history of your making.
We cannot decorate Max, but we
can salute him as I salute you.
Well done.
I'm just asking, that's all.
Is it possible for Max to
predict the throw of a dice.
Fergie, before answering,
you aren't planning some
sort of little coup
against your brother officers?
Of course not... I'm just
interested scientifically.
Look, forget about the dice.
Think of a roulette wheel.
Could Max tell in any
single spin of the wheel
what number might show up?
Let's examine the problem.
A roulette wheel is
made by human hands.
Since no two human beings
are alike,
the same is true
of human contraptions.
Roulette wheels?
They have irregularities.
A bearing worn
a thousandths of an inch.
A table tilted
a hundredth of a degree.
A ball that isn't
perfectly rounded.
A roulette wheel like this
will not and cannot perform
according to the laws of chance.
Therefore, given such a wheel
and given a fair sample
of what numbers it has
spun in the past...
Feeding those numbers
to Max's memory organ.
With coordinates based on 360
degrees it is just possible...
What's on your mind?
Jason, are you a wealthy man?
I'm a scientist.
All scientists are poor.
It's a law.
How would you like to be the
first rich scientist in history?
I wouldn't fight it.
I happen to know the fleet
is heading north tomorrow.
Barcelona, Rome, venice.
I also happen to know that
in venice there is a casino.
And in that casino...
Is a roulette wheel.
Sharp thinking.
And what do we do?
Smuggle Max in?
I doubt if they'll let him bet.
I was thinking, if we left
someone aboard ship
to look after the technical end,
we could communicate
with Max from shore,
say with a signal lamp.
Feed him the numbers,
get his answers while
you and I put down
a couple of
well-considered wagers.
Am I getting through to you?
One thing I'm not sure of.
Why do you want to spend
10 years in the brig?
Do you realize what they
could do to you for this?
Jason, just answer my question
can Max do it?
Yes or no?
Newton couldn't do it.
Einstein couldn't do it.
A million geniuses with
slide rules couldn't do it.
But this fellow can do it.
Well, then.
Hello, Max.
What are the facts?
Holy cow.
What a layout.
In the bedroom, my good
fellow, thank you.
Hello, room service, please,
servizio Romeo grazie.
Fergie, are
we going to live here?
Is it big enough?
Don't the furnishings
meet with your approval?
I don't know.
It kind of looks like a place
I'd promised
my wife I'd stay out of.
I'd say one thing, this
sightline was made to order.
Beau, set up the blinker; We'll
give Max a trial flash.
Servizio Romeo?
Suite 4-6.
Would you please send up
two bottles of scotch,
two bourbon, two vodka, one gin,
one vermouth, one cognac.
If I have any afterthoughts,
I'll give you a buzz.
One afterthought might
be a liquor license.
Who's going to pay
for all of that?
My friends, it's about time we
started living in a style
in which we are about to become
Here you go, my good fellow.
Beau, let me have
a little cash, will you?
How much?
That'll do.
Buy yourself a gondola?
Grazie, signor.
Mille grazie.
Well, you gave
that man 6,000 lire.
Piddling $7.
$9 and 57.68 cents.
So? He'll remember us.
He might even remember us at
the court-martial.
You can't be
court-martialed but I can.
And I'm getting worried.
Frankly, I'd like to pull out of
this whole deal right now.
I'm going to save
you from yourself.
I won't let you pull out.
Because you're
my friend, that's why.
And because you got
$300, that's why.
I figured it wasn't
all sentiment.
Jas, how's the power supply?
110 volts in, 24 out.
Right on the nose.
All set up? Anytime.
All yours, Mr. Gilliam.
You may fire when ready.
I'm ready.
We've got him!
Of course, we've got him.
"Code, 7" what is it?
Computer clear.
Max awaiting your data.
Tell him to stand by
for further orders.
That's a good man
you got out there, jas.
Now all you have to do is
scoot over to the casino.
Watch the wheel.
When you got enough dope,
phone me here.
I'll shoot
the numbers out to Max.
Beau will join you as soon
as he gets into his civvies.
My civvies?
You brought them, didn't you?
Yeah, but I won't
wear them, Fergie.
I beg your pardon?
Well, you saw the duty
board this morning.
We were specifically
ordered to wear whites.
Any officer caught ashore
in his civvies
is going
to have his tail in a sling.
And it was signed by
admiral Fitch himself.
Old foghorn.
Fergie, we agreed not to break
any regulations
we didn't have to.
But we have to.
We can't into the casino
in Navy uniform.
It's off limits.
Off limits and in civvies, too.
I'll be breaking
two regulations at once.
That's right.
It's kind of a package deal.
Now get in there and
get out of those whites
and that's an order,
lieutenant junior grade Gilliam.
You sure love
trouble, don't you?
Whenever there's a risk
you light up like
a beacon, you glow all over.
Some people function
better when things get hot.
That was fine in Korea;
That's what got
you all those medals.
Only what's it going
to get you in peacetime?
You know, there was once a great
philosopher named Nietzsche
who said, "live dangerously."
It's the only time
you live at all."
But it's my life you're
living dangerously.
Fergie, do I have to?
What's that smell?
My civvies.
I don't mean your civvies;
I mean, what's that smell?
That's my civvies, too.
Bobby Jo packed them
for me back home.
She's partial to the moth balls.
No, she's not partial to
it... she's in love with it.
Well, maybe I shouldn't wear it?
You know, a smell like
this in that casino.
They'll love you in the casino.
There won't be a moth
around for 40 miles.
Jas, how long before we get
those sample numbers?
520 spins of the wheel.
Say, 50 seconds a spin...
7 hours, 13 minutes
and 12 seconds.
Are you going to stand
at that table for 7 hours.
Suppose he has to go
to the men's room?
Don't be silly.
He's a scientist.
Anyway, you're going
to be there to take over.
Well, there's one thing
I got to do first.
I promised Bobby Jo
if I ever got to venice,
I'll buy her some
venetian glass.
Well, wait until
we get to Japan.
The best venetian glass
comes from Yokohama.
Now look, Fergie,
this is for my wife.
And when a man
promises his wife...
What's the use?
I know his views about marriage.
He thinks it's for the birds.
Now how could
I possibly think that?
You ever know any birds that
were honest-to-goodness married?
I mean, they shack up
a little now and then but...
I'm sorry.
I must have the wrong room.
Are you sure?
Well, we're in
the suite just below
and I must have stepped
off on the wrong floor.
Not as far as I'm concerned.
My name's Fergie Howard.
How do you do?
Come in.
- Sit down.
- No.
No thanks.
Are you Navy men?
Are you referring to the united
states Navy, ma'am?
Well, there's just something
about the way
you look and stand.
I thought may be one of us.
One of whom?
You mean, you're in the Navy?
Call me Navy brat,
courtesy of my father.
It always sounds so dopey to say
your father's an admiral.
An admiral?
An admiral?
An admiral.
Admiral Fitch.
So you're admiral
Fitch's daughter.
How did you know that?
You should couldn't be his son.
And after all, he's
the only admiral in venice.
You mean that the admiral
is actually staying here.
At this hotel?
Is there anything
wrong with this hotel?
Well, I think we're lucky.
Imagine, sharing the same roof
with the great admiral Fitch.
That certainly proves
you're not Navy.
In the fleet they call
him "old foghorn."
Not to his face, of course.
How disloyal.
"Old foghorn," imagine.
A man who had been on
the cover of time.
I don't know what
the world's coming to.
The world's in a bad
shape, all right.
And it's getting
worse every second.
Well, to me it's looking
very, very pretty.
Miss Fitch, I'd like you
to meet our chaperones.
This is Jason eldridge,
my very good friend.
And this... Schillkraut, ma'am.
Beauregard schillkraut.
And I'm very
pleased to meet you.
Won't that glass shop of yours
be closing pretty
soon, schillkraut?
Well, good-bye.
So long, jas.
Yeah, yeah.
Excuse me.
Look, you give me a ring as soon
as you get that information.
Are you out of your head?
The admiral's daughter?
Yes, sounds like a great idea.
Great idea, my foot.
You'll land all of us...
Fergie, you're glowing again.
Don't worry about a thing.
Well, here we are.
That's the quickest scuttling
of chaperones I've ever seen.
You're not listening.
I said, "here we are."
Well then, what are
we waiting for?
Close the drapes,
bring out the liquor
and let's get
this show on the road.
Action, that's what I like.
None of that beating
around the bush.
Take it easy.
Look, miss Fitch.
- Call me Julie.
- All right, Julie.
It had to happen,
it had to happen.
Not necessarily.
All I meant... I'm
putty in your hands.
What are you, some kind
of a sex fiend?
Just teaching you
a little lesson.
Don't make jokes with
admiral's daughters.
We cut our teeth
on sea wolves...
Than which nothing is wolfier.
Do you give out many
of these lessons?
As many as I have to.
But I've got to admit, you
scare off pretty easily.
I think I feel
my courage oozing back.
Want to try again?
School's out for the day.
How long you going
to be in venice?
I want to see you.
What for?
Another lesson?
No more lessons.
I just want to talk to you.
I want to be near you.
I felt something the minute
you walked in the door.
Is this pitch for real?
But I'm staying in venice
just as long as my father does.
How about you?
I'll stay as long as you do.
Come on.
No, I mean it.
You stay as long as your father,
I stay as long as your father.
Time means nothing to me.
Are you loaded?
Are you some kind of
a deported gangster?
I'll tell you all about
myself at dinner tonight.
Harry's bar, 7:00 date?
Mr. Howard, we've barely met,
but you have convinced
me of one thing.
You're crazy.
Julie, please have
dinner with me.
Well, what do I have to
do to buy you a steak?
Enlist in the Navy?
Wear one of those
chokey collars?
Would that open
the door or anything?
I had my fill of brass buttons
by the time I was 18.
And at 19, I swore an oath
the hand that salutes my
father will never hold mine.
"Navy daughter all her life
cannot be a Navy wife."
Julie, you're wonderful.
But I haven't even
said yes to dinner.
Well, I thought
we settled all that.
All right, I know
when I'm licked.
Well, if I had to stumble
into the wrong room,
I guess I picked the right one.
Pick me up at 6:30.
I want you to meet daddy.
Good evening, sir.
My name is Fergie Howard.
7 red.
Jason, how much longer?
205 spins.
It... it's a mothball.
Ladies and gentlemen,
place your bets.
Take over.
27 in the red.
Jason, for Pete's sake.
Ladies and gentlemen,
place your bets.
Jason, no!
I've told you time and time
again, wear your glasses.
You know you can't see
anything without them.
The 15 in the black.
Write that down.
Jason, what in the world
are you doing in venice?
Don't miss anything, Beau.
7 red.
Place your bets.
The canals are getting
worse every year.
You shouldn't be so vain
about wearing glasses.
Someday you're going to run that
pretty face into a brick wall.
I only wear them when there's
I'm interested in seeing.
Do you know how long it's been
since that night in Washington?
To the hour.
You want the latest quotation?
Why did you run away, Jason?
I didn't run away.
I walked away.
From me.
From you and $40 million.
Or is it 50 by now?
Jason, is it my fault my father
manufactures frankfurters?
It's just
that they're so profitable.
I can see the story
in the society pages.
"Penniless professor
weds wienie heiress."
Do you know what you'd be eating
the rest of your life?
Your father's frankfurters.
They're very good.
Not good enough
for Princess Pam.
Jason, you're such a fool.
Put your glasses on.
I don't want to see you.
Well, you haven't told me
what you're doing in venice.
That's right, I haven't.
I came over to get married.
May I ask what man has been
blessed with such good fortune?
I say fortune advisedly.
Jason eldridge.
If I had to guess who I'd
never run into in venice,
I'd pick Jason the genius.
How are you?
How are you, Tommy.
Pam, my sweet.
I suppose Pam's
told you the good news.
She told me the news, yeah.
Maybe you'll be around for the
wedding in 3 weeks.
I doubt it.
I'm just on
a quick business trip.
Government business.
You science fellas are real
glamor boys these days.
A little different from prep
school when we used to round up
all you greasy grinds and toss
you into the lake.
Yeah, those were
the happy times all right.
Seriously, if there's anything
I can do for you, let me know.
I happen to have a little
on the diplomatic level
and I'll have more
when they give me Rome.
Someone's giving you Rome?
I expect so.
Would it be rude
of me to ask who?
Tommy's in the government now.
Which one?
Our state department.
A very important job in Rome.
Which reminds me, stag dinner
tonight for that admiral fella.
Pam, I'm afraid you're on your
own this evening.
I'll be all right.
You sure, darling?
I'll look both ways
before crossing canals.
Good girl.
Say, why don't you have dinner
with old eldridge tonight?
Don't you think it might be more
to ask old eldridge first?
Well, I naturally
assumed that...
How about it, Jason?
It's all right with me.
Old eldridge, you
swept me off my feet.
That's it then.
Now I've got to go write
an after-dinner speech.
What's a man supposed
to say about an admiral?
Well, if it's admiral Fitch...
It is, why?
I don't think
this will help much,
but I understand in the fleet
he's known affectionately
as "old foghorn."
That a fact.
Well, good-bye, my sweet.
Old foghorn?
I'll use it.
Yeah, do that.
Say something nice, Jason.
Say something nice about Tommy
Dane or I'm leaving right now.
I'm thinking.
All right, Jason.
Pam, wait.
Now, listen.
Listen to me.
I beg your pardon?
Wait a minute, listen.
Tommy Dane is a fine fellow.
He's sober, industrious and
a boon to our foreign policy.
In fact, he's a first-class
Good evening.
Good evening.
Miss Fitch's suite, please.
Admiral Fitch here.
Who's this?
Some blame fool isn't answering.
May I speak
to miss Fitch, please?
Stand by.
It's for you, dear.
Thank you.
Mr. Howard, where are you?
Dad's been waiting to meet you.
Yeah, well look, I'm afraid
I'm going to
have to cancel
out on our date tonight.
Well, frankly,
I've suffered a burn.
Well, not too serious, but...
Wait a minute.
- Good bye, dad.
- Bye, dear.
Have a nice time.
I'm sorry, but my father
was just leaving.
Well, like I said.
It's not too serious but, well,
it's painful of course
and I may be running
a temperature but...
No, no.
I wouldn't want you to do that.
What kind of ointment.
You don't say.
Really works that fast?
Well, that's certainly
very nice of you, Julie.
You're an angel of mercy.
Servizio Romeo.
Hello, this is suite 4-6.
Dinner for two.
What did you say was in this?
It's a mild concoction of
Brandy, vodka, and champagne.
As long as you can drink vodka
and still say draschke, without
it coming out "drofsky,"
then you're perfectly sober.
How's your wound, Mr. Howard?
It wasn't really very bad.
You probably noticed.
I did.
Still, burns can
be very painful.
I know they can.
Would you rather I left?
No, it feels fine, see?
That ointment of yours
is a real miracle drug.
Do you know what my ointment is?
Peanut butter.
I thought it was
a little lumpy...
- Peanut butter?
- Shhh!
Not so loud!
Why, up until now
the only thing people have used
peanut butter for is to eat.
We may have
discovered something.
You wanted to come up here, so
you told me you had an ointment.
I put it
in the cold cream jar, too.
Julie... you're
a fat little faker.
Mr. Howard, it's very
decent of you to say so.
Most men wouldn't.
But then, you're unusual.
Well, I told you that.
But I didn't believe you!
That is, well, until somewhere
between the fish
and the souffle,
you just seized me
with surprise.
Seized you?
I didn't lay a glove on you.
That was the surprise!
Beware of the wolf
that moves slowly.
You know, if you knew
the truth, Julie...
The truth of it is,
Mr. Howard...
And this may hurt...
You are a nice fellow.
I deny that.
You've been a charming
and gracious host.
Your manners were fine
and your jokes were clean.
Someday you're going to make
somebody a wonderful husband.
Fergie, are you
one of those men who,
when it comes to marriage,
would rather die than...?
No, no.
I'm one of those men, when it
comes to marriage,
that has an opinion
of... not favorable.
Then why were you so nice to me?
Most people who think
the way you do
act like a one-man
boarding party.
Well, frankly,
it entered my mind,
but when you sat there...
Looked the way you looked...
I just couldn't.
Apparently I can.
What was that?
It was the Nina, the pinta,
and the Santa Maria!
$35 worth of venetian glass!
Well, maybe it's not all broken.
Well, how did you manage
to drop it, schillkraut?
Manage to?
I walk in here and find you
with an admiral's dau...
With a practical stranger.
I think he had a perfect right
to drop it.
And I think I need
some fresh air.
"Drofsky"...i do.
Got those numbers?
Jason's at the casino,
near the phone booth.
All right, shoot 'em out to Max.
With her here?
The blinker's in the bedroom.
We don't want
to keep Jason waiting.
Well, he won't mind.
- He's got a girl with him.
- A girl?
You mean he's letting some girl
interfere with this setup?
Are you kidding me?
Get moving.
Yeah, he just got here.
Well, we've got those figures.
Yeah, well, I'll give you a call
as soon as Max
has them processed.
Give me your number. Got it.
The minute I hear from Max,
we start the ball rolling.
Look, if you and your friends
have some business...
It's nothing, just dull
everyday high finance.
My assistant's attending to it.
- He seems very young.
- The youngest.
Did you see the expression
on his face
when he walked in and
caught us in the act?
Well, I wouldn't describe
a little kiss as an act.
Little kiss?
Sank 3 ships.
It's dad!
Come on in, dad.
I see you got the note I left.
Yeah...- I'm sorry, sir.
It was stupid of me
not to realize.
It certainly was.
Didn't you notice all the braid?
Forgive him, dad.
You know how civilians are.
Yeah, yeah.
Well... aren't you
going to shake hands?
It's a great
pleasure meeting you, sir.
Is everything all right here?
Yes, except I didn't expect to
see you quite so soon.
Well, I left early.
Full dinner, full speeches...
You know a damn fool
named Tommy Dane?
No, sir. Why?
Damn fool!
He kept calling me
"old foghorn."
No wonder you're in such
a bristly mood.
Won't you sit down, sir?
No, no.
I've got a full reception.
Hey, you want to come?
Please, dad.
- Well, I don't blame you.
- Fergie?
Fergie, I think you
oughta come in here...
This is Julie's
father, Mr. Schillkraut.
I'm very pleased
to meet you, mr.Schillkraut...
Admiral Fitch!
Relax, young fella.
You're not in my command.
Yes, sir!
I mean, no, sir!
what was it you wanted?
Well... it was nothing.
Would you excuse me, please?
Excuse me.
Are you sure everything's
all right here?
He recognized us... I saw it
in his eyes!
Don't be a dope.
An admiral never recognizes
anyone except another admiral.
Now get on that blinker
and tell that ship
to stop flashing for a while.
That's peculiar.
Someone's flashing the shore.
There, there.
See, it's from the elmira.
Do you read morse code?
I haven't been able to read code
since I was an ensign.
Well, it stopped.
Probably some sailor signaling
to his girl.
Probably... yeah.
Well, I'm... I'm shoving off.
Say good night to that civilian
for me.
Now, if you need anything,
there's two shore patrolmen
stationed downstairs.
Thank you, dad.
What's going on in here?
Julie, your father.
He's gone.
I knew there was
something fishy!
What's fishy?
Well, for one thing... that.
It's a heat lamp.
Schillkraut here's
got a little cold, and...
Don't call him schillkraut.
He doesn't answer to it.
And that is not a heat lamp.
It's a blinker.
A blinker!
Well, the man who sold it to me
swore up and down...
And to clinch matters,
I read morse code.
"Max standing by."
Now, who and what are you?
Lieutenant Ferguson Howard,
United States Navy.
Lieutenant junior grade
beauregard Gilliam, ma'am.
United States Navy.
Official 1-8?
Admiral Fitch.
There's been flashing from the
computing room on the elmira.
Get a signalman up to my suite,
You wanted the story of my life?
You've got it.
I still think if I'd gotten that
bicycle for Christmas
when I was 13 years old,
none of this
would have happened.
Julie, my fate is in your hands.
"You stay as long
as your father does."
"I'll stay as long
as your father does."
"Time means nothing to me."
Julie... are you
going to turn me in?
I don't know.
I'm not sure whether
you're a criminal,
or just seriously disturbed.
Anyway, let's get
back to the bicycle.
What color was it?
Look, Julie, you run me out
like a deck swab.
Who cares about
imaginary bicycles?
So there wasn't any bicycle!
I told you, I didn't get it!
All right, all right.
Let your father keelhaul
me all the way
to the Brooklyn Navy yard.
Let him send me to the brig!
Maybe he should, just for your
own protection.
People who think they can
get rich from gambling.
It's not gambling...
It's science.
Beau's in there now,
sending off the numbers.
Jason's waiting at the tables.
Julie... don't stand in the way
of scientific progress.
Well, of all
the silly arguments!
The answer is coming through!
Tell him to hold it!
Julie... For science.
For me.
Go ahead.
You're going to need
all the money you can get
when they throw you
out of the Navy.
Julie... Battle stations!
Get on the phone.
Lido 3-7.
Lido 3-7.
Here it comes!
Hold on, wait.
After... After... Primary...
Revolution... Revolution...
Next drop...
Next drop... Will be...
Will be...
165 degrees... 165 degrees...
- West...
- West... Of number shown.
Of number shown.
If... First... Revolution...
Hold... All... Action... End.
Drop will be... 165 degrees.
Get me a chart of the harbor.
Get me a map of venice.
You got it, jas?
Very good.
Well, I haven't got it.
What does it all mean?
This is a roulette wheel.
The ball drops there.
Jason counts back 165 degrees,
bets on the next spin,
the ball drops here, or on one
number on either side.
He bets all 3... We can't lose.
Admiral, what does it mean?
Well, if I were an enemy spy,
I might be able to tell you.
Security, security!
Captain angle here!
165 degrees... 160.
Is that where
the drop is going to be?
That's smack in the middle
of the fleet!
Get over to the casino
and help Jason.
Take this... you may need it
to carry the money.
Alert the venice police.
Cancel all leaves.
I want every gig and picket boat
in the fleet,
fully manned, fully armed.
Circle the entire city!
There's a man
signaling from the elmira.
Place him under
immediate arrest!
No, no, no.
Negative on that order.
Don't alert him.
No, no.
Post a guard at
the computing room door.
No one enters, no one leaves.
No, there may be more messages,
and we'll need them to...
To break the code.
The drop will be exactly... in
section indicated,
or one section east or west.
East or west of what?
Number 12 in the red.
Pay that gentleman.
It works.
The crazy thing works!
Jason, what's going on?
A system.
There's no such thing.
I know it.
Pam, will you marry me?
27, 13, and 6.
What did you say?
27, 13, and 6.
Before that!
12, 18, and 9.
I mean, about marrying me!
You did ask me to marry you,
didn't you?
No, but I'll talk to my wife.
Excuse me.
Listen to me.
You did ask me to marry you,
didn't you?
Didn't you?
Well, you certainly have your
nerve, old eldridge!
You disappear out of my life,
I don't even hear from you
for 3 years,
and then, all of a sudden...
Don't you understand?
I never had any money before.
But now... 27 in the red.
The gentleman wins again.
Now I've got it!
Or I will have.
Enough to buy up every
your father ever stuffed.
Ladies and gentlemen,
place your bets.
Jason, this is ridiculous!
It certainly is! 11, 36, 30.
I'm not talking about bets,
I'm talking about
your marrying me.
Don't you realize I'm engaged?
I came to venice
to marry Tommy Dane!
Now, if you want to talk about
something really ridiculous,
you're on the right track.
You don't love Tommy Dane.
You don't even like Tommy Dane.
I suppose I love you.
Well, don't you?
Yes, heaven help me.
Then, why argue?
Number 11 in the red.
Pay that gentleman again.
I've broken code
in Russian, sir,
and I've broken it
in hindustani,
but I can't break this.
Why not?
Because it didn't code, sir.
Well, then, what does it mean?
That, sir, I couldn't say.
The venice press,
they got wind of something.
So has the a.P.
Shall I give them a story, sir?
No, no.
Nothing to the newspapers!
Not a word!
If I may speak for
the state department,
I agree completely
with old foghorn.
To alarm the city before old
knows exactly what's going on
could cause a panic.
I'm in favor of leaving
in old foghorn's hands.
What do you say, sir?
I say, if you call me
old foghorn once more,
I'll belt you one!
There's word from one of our
picket boats, sir.
They report spotting
blinker signals
from shore, early this evening.
What signals?
What did they say?
Just a series of numbers, sir,
from zero to 36.
From zero to... What
do you make of that?
Sounds like the numbers
on a roulette wheel.
Damn it!
This is no time for jokes!
Did they say where on shore
the blinker was?
No, sir.
Well, if they flash again,
tell them to pinpoint it!
Yes, sir.
Picket 6, this is 1.
Repeat try to pinpoint.
Don't... Don't tell
me it doesn't answer.
It's a phone booth
in the casino.
There's got to be somebody th...
Did it work?
Come on, man.
Don't keep me in suspense.
She knows.
I had to tell her.
- Did it work?
- You told her?
An admiral's daughter...
It's all right,
she's on our side.
Just call me Benedict Arnold.
Did it work?
Sort of.
Sort of!
Ohhhhhh... How much is here?
11 million lira.
Roughly, $18,000.
What did you quit for?
I had to.
Something went wrong, and I lost
the last 3 bets.
You lost?
How could you lose?
I'm not sure.
Some variable in the game...
A different ball, maybe.
Anyhow, I've got
more data to flash Max.
As soon as we get the answers,
we'll be back in the ball game.
Come in!
It's ok, it's only Pam.
She knows, too.
She knows?
You even told a stranger?
She's not a stranger.
I ran into her at the casino.
We're engaged.
All right, now listen,
little girl.
Just because a fellow makes
a small killing in roulette
doesn't mean you have to
stick your claws into him.
How much you take to blow town?
Will you stop?
We've known each other
for years.
Besides, she's got
$60 million of her own.
What system do you use?
The capitalistic system.
Pam dunston, this is my friend,
crazy Fergie Howard.
How do you do, crazy Fergie?
How are you?
The data!
Stay with me.
We've got work to do.
I'll flash this out to Max.
Where's Beau?
He went to buy some more glass.
At a time like this?
That's desertion!
11 million lira?
How do you do?
I'm crazy Julie Fitch.
Congratulations, and welcome
to the asylum.
I'm so sorry.
That does it.
- How long for an answer?
- Any second.
It's just a few simple
Come on, Max. Give!
Hold it!
Now, what is it?
More flashing from shore, sir,
just a moment ago.
Did they get a bearing on it?
Yes, sir.
The blinker is right here in
the hotel, sir.
Operation 4 immediately!
What was the message?
Picket 6, this is 1.
Did you intercept the message?
Just numbers... Well,
well, what was it?
Just more numbers, sir.
From zero to 36.
Keep quiet!
Any answer from the ship?
Yes, sir.
Here it comes now, sir.
Here we go, jas.
Reverse... All... Directions...
To... East... Right...
After... 12...
Drop... will... be... Repeated.
That's all, sir.
Right after 12,
drop will be repeated...
Right after 12?
What time is it now?
11:30 more, sir!
More coming.
Well, maybe this
will clear it up.
The... Square... Root...
Of... 2...
Minus... Pi... Times... R.
Square root of 2,
minus pi, times r...
Well, if I didn't know better,
I'd say we were being attacked
from outer space.
And I don't know better!
The square root of 2,
pi times r...
You call that a number?
- Certainly it's a number.
- Yeah?
Well, try playing
it on a roulette wheel.
Max has gone out of his mind.
He's sick!
You must've sent one
number twice.
You fouled up the coordinates.
I fouled up nothing!
It's Max.
He knows he's gambling.
He knows, and he's against it.
Don't be ridiculous!
Well, then, he's made a mistake.
Max can't make a mistake!
Why not?
He's only human.
Fergie, will you please...
Gentlemen, are you depositing
or withdrawing?
It's going to be
all right, Fergie.
You just convert pi and the
segments of a circle
into the square root...
Now I understand.
Look, leave it to me.
It'll work.
Maybe you'd like to make
a small personal loan?
Hello, Pam.
Hello, Julie.
They remember us.
Isn't that sweet?
Positively poignant.
Look, I'm sorry, honey,
but you know
what this means to us...
You and me.
Julie... You've been
very patient with me,
and I love you for it.
Tell you what...
Take you out on
the town tonight, ok?
Roulette table, where else?
Be with you in a minute.
He wouldn't ring.
Who is it?
United States Navy!
The Navy!
Fergie, your cap!
The blinker!...Money!
Signalman burford Taylor
first class,
United States Navy,
official business!
We have a report that certain
guys is using a blinker light
from somewheres in the vicinity
of this here hotel
for the possible
purposes of espionage.
We have been ordered...
We don't know
anything about that!
Just a minute!
I ain't finished yet!
We've been ordered to check
the entire premises
of this here hotel.
I will now check this here suite
unless you have any objections,
which would be
pretty suspicious.
Of course I have no objections.
Very well.
With your permission, I will
institute the search.
Just what are you looking for?
Blinking has been
reported, ma'am.
I am searching for a blinker.
Well, you don't have
to search here.
I'm admiral Fitch's daughter.
And I am the secretary of the
Navy's favorite son.
I mean it!
That's just a bedroom in there.
My orders are to
search the premises,
and a bedroom is premises!
Good evening.
Anything I can do for you?
Good evening, lieutenant Howard!
It is indeed a pleasure
to see you again, sir!
I'm afraid I don't
place you, sailor.
Signalman burford Taylor, sir.
Well, the lieutenant
may have forgotten,
but lieutenant was kind enough
to come to my
assistance one night
when 3 army guys jumped
me in a saloon in Tokyo.
- At ease.
- Thank you, sir.
Signalman Taylor is searching
the premises
for a blinker.
Fine. Let him search.
You don't mind, sir?
It's... orders.
Not at all. Go right ahead.
How about a drink?
Drink, sir?
Surely the lieutenant
is not suggesting
that I take a drink
while on duty, sir?
Certainly not.
I was talking
to my friends here.
However, if you should
happen to accept a drink
while my back is turned,
I certainly couldn't
put you on report... could I?
As lieutenant knows,
I am not a drinking man.
Say when, sailor.
I should like
to propose a toast.
To those intrepid men...
Who are we toasting?
You can't toast anyone
without a drink!
Good heavens, man, you picked up
an empty glass!
My friends, a toast
to those intrepid...
Beautiful bourbon, sir.
And if I may say so, sir,
that was the most
beautiful toast.
Thank you... Let's drink to it.
I'll go along with that, sir.
To Julie Fitch,
the admiral's daughter!
She really his daughter?
Lieutenant may not know this,
but this is the first liquor
I've touched
since that night in Tokyo.
Very next morning, sir, I went
on the wagon.
Is that so... why?
It was the martians, sir.
They tell me I kept
seeing martians.
Men from Mars, ma'am.
They say I saw 'em crawling
all over the ship.
Did you?
Yes, sir.
Doctor thought I might've
been allergic
to that fourth bottle of sake.
Look, maybe this man
better not have any more
to drink.
No, no, perfectly
all right, ma'am.
This isn't sake.
Well... How do you like that!
Even in Italy... Green stamps!
And now, with the lieutenant's
very kind permission...
I will go in the blinker
and search for the bedroom, sir.
In the bedroom
and search for the blinker!
As I said, sir.
Right through that door!
Thank you.
First, sir...
A short one for the road, sir.
And I'm off, sir.
Second thought,
why search the bedroom?
United States naval officer
would never hide a blinker...
Would you, sir?
Certainly not.
Certainly not, sir.
So, I will say good night
and leave, sir.
Don't let him go!
Ok, grab his belt!
1, 2, 3, heave!
Thank you, sir.
I must've gone through the wrong
door, sir.
Yeah, it seems that way.
Which way?
- It's a blinker!
- Where?
I don't see any blinker!
Someone's been
setting up an air blink.
Spies, sir!
You mean this thing?
That's no blinker.
Sir, I've been
a signalman for 16 years,
and I know a blinker
when I see a blinker...
And that's a blinker!
Damn it, get off there before
you kill yourself!
It's ok, sir!
I'll get it, sir!
It's my duty, sir!
Sailor, you come down here
right now, and that's an order!
Coming, sir!
Don't move!
Don't move!
It's all right, sir.
All I gotta do is turn around.
Get around
the other side, quick!
Is everything all right?
Everything's fine!
Take it easy.
Just take it easy!
Don't move.
Would you let go of that thing?
It's evidence, sir!
Evidence of espionage
in this here hotel!
I'll give it to you.
I'll give you the blinker!
Let's get out of here!
I got it, sir!
I'll take that, sailor.
No, sir.
It's much too
heavy for you, sir.
Now, will you hold this
while I fix my pants?
Better watch your step, sir.
All right, now, back inside!
Yes, sir!
And will you stop saluting?
Yes, sir!
They're back, sir!
The martians are back!
The martians are back, sir!
That's not a martian!
They're all over the hotel.
We're surrounded
by martians, sir!
They're not martians.
Look, it's only a statue.
Open your eyes!
It's nothing.
The martians are here!
The martians are...!
What is it, sir?
Now, I could have sworn
I heard someone say that
the martians were...
Don't be a nut!
Just don't look
at them, do you hear?
Don't look at them.
Just keep your eyes closed.
They'll go away.
All right.
Come on, be careful.
It's only a few more steps.
Hey, come on.
What's the matter?
Come on!
I think he's asleep!
What? Asleep?
For the love of... Wake him up!
No, no, don't wake him up.
He'll see them again.
Don't wake him up!
What will I do?
Get him a blanket?
We got to wake him.
No, we don't.
Listen, all we have to do is...
I'll get it.
Now, keep your eyes closed
and follow me.
Remember, keep your eyes closed.
No! Take it easy.
Take it ea-ea...
Come on.
Hup, hup.
About face.
Any word on operation 4?
We've searched the hotel from
cellar to roof, sir.
No blinker yet.
Have they all reported in?
All except one, sir.
I can't seem to contact
signalman Taylor.
Keep trying!
Yes, sir!
Operation 4 to signalman Taylor.
Can you read me, Taylor?
Come in Taylor!
This is hermie.
What goes on?
Easy now.
We'll put him on the couch.
The Navy sure feeds him good.
Now I know what they mean,
when they say get the lead out.
Watch it, Pam!
That was captain Adam
from the elmira.
He's on his way
to the suite now, sir.
Good, good.
What, what?
All right.
What do we do now?
I'm thinking. I'm thinking.
One thing's for sure.
We can't go to the casino
and leave this guy here alone.
Maybe we could get
a baby-sitter?
When he wakes up, he'll alert
the entire city of venice.
- Why should he?
- Are you crazy?
He saw the blinker.
What blinker?
There is no blinker.
The blinker is in the canal.
Besides, he won't
even remember it.
Jason, you hold down the fort,
and I'll go to the casino.
No, the time has come,
lieutenant Howard,
to call a halt
to this whole affair.
We stop right now!
On the brink of victory?
Julie, have you gone mad?
Did Washington stop
at valley forge?
Did Dewey stop at Manila?
Did Napoleon stop at Waterloo?
You bet he did.
Julie, come.
Julie, things have been so
messed up around here
that I haven't had a chance
to talk to you.
But, I think I love you.
Fergie... I mean it.
You said you discovered
something about me
between the fish
and the souffle.
I discovered something, too.
- When?
- I'm not sure.
I think it was when you let me
go ahead in spite
of your father.
Any girl who would double-cross
her own father,
that's my kind of woman.
No, I didn't mean it that way.
Well, how did you mean it?
Anybody else for post office?
Send a couple of shore patrolmen
to that suite upstairs
and see if my daughter is...
Never mind.
I'll have a look myself.
Don't worry.
Everything is all right.
All you have to do is watch him.
If he comes to,
don't let him leave.
Hold him by force if necessary.
By force? That?
You won't have any trouble.
Just tell him you're a martian.
He's scared silly of martians.
Well, that's fine.
So am I.
And we're losing money.
Let's go.
We'll call you as soon as we
bust the bank.
Don't forget.
Keep your eye on him.
Scusi, take us to the lobby,
Pam, that is not
the elevator boy.
This is my father.
I'm so sorry.
Pam dunstan, admiral Fitch.
How do you do?
Jason eldridge.
How do you do, sir.
And Fergie you already know.
Good to see you again, sir.
Yeah, yeah.
Did you get your
furniture moved?
Sounded like you dropped
a small piano.
I'm afraid that
was my fault, admiral.
She has a habit of running
into tables, sir.
That's a common failing.
Where are you heading for?
The casino.
Fergie wants to try his luck
at a little roulette.
Yeah, we would
like to invite you, sir,
but I understand the casino
is off-limits to Navy personnel.
Not for admirals.
Run along.
Run along.
Don't stay out all night.
Good night, dad.
May we drop you somewhere, sir?
No, I'll walk down.
Gondola, signore?
Gondola for hire.
Gondola, signore?
Power boat.
Fergie, a gondola, please?
A gondola?
Who's got time for rowboats?
I have.
I'm in venice for the first
time in my life.
There's a moon, and a man
who says he thinks he loves me.
Prove it!
This is going to cost us
a fortune.
Gondola, signore?
Gondola, signore.
Where did you find this?
Just below, sir.
In the canal.
One of our men saw it bounce off
the embankment,
but we couldn't tell
where it fell from.
If there's been a slip-up in
this hotel search,
I'll have somebody's
eyeteeth for it!
Speak to me!
Sir, if that drop is to take
place at 12:00,
I got to know where we stand.
Are you still here?
Why don't you go and write
a treaty or something?
I hate to think what they are
saying right now
at the American consulate.
I don't give a hoot
what they are saying
at the American consulate.
It's that other consulate that
worries me.
12, on the red!
Bet, professor?
After 12, drop will be
repeated once.
12, 28, 35.
12, 28, 35.
There is no such
a thing as a system.
He must lose.
I better go out
and rent a barge.
I think we're going to need it.
Yeah well, don't
forget the shovels.
No more bets, please.
35, in the black.
What's your suggestion,
Dr. Eldridge?
11, 30, 36.
For the croupiers.
And see what the croupiers
in the back room will have.
Grazie, grazie.
Hope the fleet sticks around
a few days.
I may buy Italy.
11 in the black.
There is no such
thing as a system.
Somewhere he has got to fail.
Come in, burford.
Come in!
Do you read me, burford?
Do you read?
Don't be mad at me, Gladys.
I'm going to be
all right, Gladys.
Gladys isn't here.
I'm just a friend,
and I'm taking care of you.
Would you go back to sleep now?
Sleep on duty?
That's an insult
to the U.S. Navy.
Hello, herbie?
This is burford ram...
I wouldn't use that thing if
I were you.
Let go!
You don't get yourself
in trouble!
Let go of the talkie...
Now, listen to me.
And listen carefully.
I'm a martian... Do you hear me?
Come in burford.
Do you hear me? Come in!
I was just joking.
I'm a lieutenant j.G.!
I'm one of us!
Signalman Taylor here.
Signalman Taylor.
Over and out.
Gondola, signore?
To the casino, please!
And hurry!
Follow that martian!
Follow that martian!
You're sure of that?
I see.
What, what?
What is... American consulate.
Yes, go on.
Right now?
Yes, I see.
I'll do what I can.
What is it?
What is it?
Some American at the casino
is breaking the bank.
Will someone please protect me
from this idiot!
The casino is run by
the Italian government.
Why, the entire city of venice
depends for
its existence on the profits
from the casino.
Before this night is finished,
there may not be
a city of venice.
In which case, your troubles
are over.
This game is over!
The table is closed.
Did I hear you correctly, sir?
Did I understand you to say...
You heard me correctly.
The table is closed.
You can't do that
just because a fellow
has a little run of luck.
How much are we ahead?
More or less a lousy $112,000.
And you want to call it quits?
Pretty chintzy,
wouldn't you say?
Yeah, I'd say.
Wait until they hear about this
in monte Carlo.
Wait until they hear it
in Las Vegas.
It is only this table that
is closed.
You may play at one
of the other tables.
I don't want to play at one of
the other tables.
- Do I?
- No.
I want this table.
Very well.
The table will remain open
for exactly 15 minutes.
No limit on the last roll?
No limits on the last roll.
What's the formula?
4, 19, 21.
Did you ever see this before?
Did you ever see this before?
Yes, sir.
Certainly did, sir.
Where did you see it?
On the fourth floor of this
building, sir.
I was crawling all over it.
You were crawling
all over the blinker?
No, sir.
The fourth floor, sir.
Drunk as he is,
I can believe it.
He may not be drunk, sir.
It's possible he's been drugged.
Yes, sir.
That's right, sir.
Drugged, sir.
Drugged, sir.
Well, start again.
You found this blinker tonight?
I certainly did, sir.
Where were you?
I was in a private suite, sir.
On the fourth floor, sir.
I was out on the letch.
I was in a suite
on the fourth floor, sir.
I was out on the letch.
Yes, sir!
On the letch?
Yes, sir.
I would be a little careful
what I confess
if I were you, sailor.
Well no, sir.
No, sir.
Not-not the letch.
On-on the letch.
On-on the letch, sir.
I think he means the ledge.
I know what he means.
You found this on the ledge?
Yes, sir.
The ledge... Yes, sir.
Could I take a nap now, sir?
No, you may not.
No, I may not, sir.
Do you know who you are talking
to, sailor?
Yes, sir.
Captain Fitch, sir.
Admiral Fitch.
Admiral Fitch, sir.
That's right, sir.
How's your daughter, sir?
My daughter is fine.
What do you mean
how is my daughter?
Well, I met her tonight, sir.
Where? When?
I don't remember, sir.
We drugged.
Well, try to remember this.
When you found the blinker,
was it in the condition
that it's in now?
Absolutely not, sir.
But then, what happened to it?
Fell off the building, sir.
Right on the street.
You mean you dropped it?
No, sir.
You dropped the blinker!
No, sir. I did not, sir.
It was the lieutenant, sir.
What lieutenant?
Lieutenant Ferguson Howard, sir.
He dropped it.
Lieutenant Ferguson Howard?
All right, let's
have a little talk
with lieutenant Ferguson Howard.
Get a hold of this
lieutenant ferg...
Ferguson Howard?
Yes, sir.
Fine officer, sir.
A lieutenant, did you say?
Yes, sir.
Lieutenant Ferguson Howard.
I know that lieutenant, sir.
He happens to be in my command.
Not for long, though.
Where's my barge?
Below, sir, at the dock.
Well, get the steam up.
We're going to the casino.
You too, sailor!
Grazie, signore. Buona fortuna!
There is no such
a thing as a system.
Pay the signore once more...
Getting a little
tiresome, isn't it?
Monotonous, really.
I've never been so bored
in my life.
What do you say we blow this
joint and take in a movie?
You will not be bored much
longer, signore.
The next will be your last bet.
So soon.
What number should we risk
our money on now, professor?
11, 8 and 30.
And how much should we risk?
I don't know.
Let's not be greedy.
No, let's not.
The works.
Signore, do you realize,
if you win,
how much that will be?
Well, I haven't figured it out
to the penny.
But I imagine it'll be quite
a pittance.
A pitt-pitt-pittance?
What are you doing here?
That sailor,
you know that sailor?
Your orders were to watch him
every second.
I did.
Then why aren't you
with him now?
Because he just fell
in the grand canal, that's why.
He woke up,
and he's on the loose.
If they get a hold of him, they
might put two and two together.
That movie sounds like a fine
idea, let's go.
- Come on!
- I'm ready!
Let's not lose our heads!
All we've got is one roll.
As soon as we cash in, we head
for the hotel.
Beau, you start now.
Soon as you get there...
Well, look who's here!
I see you decided to come, sir.
Who is it?
The elevator boy.
We've been playing
a little roulette.
How are you doing?
Pretty well, sir.
As a matter of fact,
I'm about to make a killing.
That's interesting.
So am I.
On your feet, lieutenant Howard!
Signore, is
there something I can do
for the United States Navy?
Yeah, yeah.
Rent me a room.
Where I can hold a quiet
Certamente, signore.
Perdonne, perdonne.
Grazie, grazie...
Why wouldn't they
buy me that bicycle?
Lieutenant, can you think
of one reason
why you should not
spend the next 20 years
in solitary confinement?
I think 20 years
is a fair shake, sir.
your offenses, it's charity.
Purloining and destroying
Navy property,
the blinker.
Out of uniform,
a defiance of orders.
Deliberately helping a sailor
become drunk and disorderly.
I don't need any help
for that, sir.
I can manage all right.
So thank you very mu...
Never mind.
Yes, sir.
And most important, operating
top secret Navy equipment.
Gambling for personal profit.
Through the use,
abuse, and prostitution
of an electronic brain...
Let's make that
30 years, shall we?
30 years it is, sir.
Mr. Eldridge...
You're not subject
to Navy discipline,
but I'm sure I can guarantee you
an equally unhappy future.
No doubt of it, sir.
And as for you
lieutenant schillkraut...
I'm Gilliam, sir.
Beauregard gi...
As for you,
lieutenant schillkraut,
now, y-you're just a dupe.
So I have decided
to let you off easy.
From now until retirement age,
you will peel potatoes
on a Navy garbage scull.
Thank you, sir.
Admiral, since we all know what
the score is around here,
I think you can dispense with
my presence?
I could have dispensed
with your presence at 7:00.
I merely want assurance
that these men
will receive the punishment
they deserve.
I shall so suggest in my report.
You're going to make a report?
I most certainly am.
And I shall mention
them all by name.
My fiancee, of course, had
nothing to do with it, I'm sure.
As for this young lady,
I don't know her,
but she's a criminal
type if I ever saw one.
Make sure that
she's in your report.
Get her name right.
She's my daughter.
Your daughter?
Young foghorn.
Look, dad, let's not
be silly about this.
You can't put Fergie
in the brig.
Watch me!
Well, if you want a jailbird
for a son-in-law,
it's up to you.
I'm going to marry Fergie.
And the sooner the better.
Julie, I don't think now
is exactly the...
You keep quiet.
I was only trying to... Quiet!
Julie, I will not permit you to
sacrifice yourself
for this harebrained
excuse for a lieutenant.
It won't be any sacrifice.
I'll enjoy every minute.
Well then,
let me say, I forbid you.
Dad, I've got to marry, Fergie.
And he's got to marry me.
Julie, think what
you are saying.
You mean it's necessary?
Sorry, dad.
S-s-sir, she doesn't mean that.
She's only trying... Julie?
You're putting
a rope around my neck.
Sir, would you take the word of
an officer and a gentleman?
- Where is he?
- Listen, sir.
I swear, nothing
happened tonight.
All we did was have dinner, sir.
And a couple of short vodkas.
That's all. Is there any crime
against that, sir?
Nice going, Julie!
Thank you.
If you don't believe
every word I say, sir,
forget the 30 years,
and swing me from
the highest yard arm, sir.
I'm considering that.
Start glowing, Fergie.
You're gonna need it.
Excuse me, sir.
I think we should discuss this
calmly, and without passion.
I don't blame you for being
upset, sir.
I'd be upset myself,
sir, if I were in
the spot you're in.
I'm in a spot?
However, I think
I can get you out of it.
As I see it, sir.
Your problem is threefold.
First, your daughter.
Naturally you're concerned about
her, and why not?
You can put your
mind at rest, sir.
Because I'm going
to be your son-in-law.
That's a comforting thought.
Fergie, you're an honorable man.
So much for your first problem.
Your second, sir.
How to overlook my crimes
and still preserve your honors
and officers.
Frankly, sir.
That has me worried.
This isn't really happening?
No, no.
I-I-I'm home in bed.
I-I'm fast asleep.
Admiral, do you realize what
this man is doing?
He's making you look like a...
Well, like a... Like a what?!
You know your duty, sir.
That money out there.
Why don't you return it
to the casino immediately?
Why don't you close
your loud mouth?
We need that money.
If Jason doesn't get it, he may
not marry me.
You're going to marry
Jason eldridge?
Did I forget to mention that?
Our engagement is off.
I believe I prefer it
that way, old man.
I think I'll turn
this whole thing
over to the fleet psychiatrist.
We haven't discussed
problem 3, sir.
Let's not miss problem 3.
You don't seem to realize, sir.
Your whole naval
career is teetering
on the brink of disaster.
A few minutes ago
I was only in a bad spot.
What happened to me since?
Sir, out on
that table is a sizable bet.
And if one of our numbers hits,
and it will, sir,
there will be a fortune
And where is half of that
fortune supposed to go, sir?
To the Navy relief, sir.
That's where
it's supposed to go.
It is?
You remember me
telling you, lieutenant?
50 percent of our
take earmarked for our boys
in the United States Navy.
Certainly you remember, Jason?
I have a wonderful memory.
Admiral, I don't
have to lecture you
on the importance
of Navy relief.
And I know you
don't want to stand in the way.
So I think we should
adjourn this meeting.
And go take care of our boys,
in the service.
Sir, if you turn your back on
this Navy windfall,
I refuse to be responsible for
your future.
Everybody out!
Except you!
What are you waiting for?
Get out! Get out!
Lieutenant, in my long career
in the Navy,
I have never struck a man.
But the time is now ripe.
Take off your coat!
Sir, listen, think about
the difference of our ages.
Never mind the excuses.
Put up your hands!
Sir, listen, you can't do this.
No, let's see.
Admiral, I got to speak to you.
Later, later.
Sir, it's top urgent.
The Soviet consul likes to know
what's happening in here.
The whole deal.
They just called
a press conference.
They say, sir, that
the United States Navy
has conspired through
an electronic formula
to break the bank
of this casino.
And the Republic
of Italy along with it.
No, that's ridiculous.
The exact words are,
in propaganda language,
"looting the resources
of a friendly power
in violation of
sacred covenants."
Sir, they could blow
this up like a balloon.
I hope you're
a happy man, lieutenant.
You have now succeeded
in fomenting
an international crisis.
Sir, there's a very simple
solution to this whole thing.
Let me go out to that table.
I'll call off all the bets
and leave the casino.
For good, sir.
With how much?
Well, I'm not sure, sir.
But maybe a few
hundred million lire...
A few hundred
million... you call that a...
You may have an idea,
Thank you, sir.
But I am going to go you
one better.
Yes, sir.
You say one of your 3 numbers
is bound to win?
Can't help it, sir.
Therefore, any other 3 numbers
are bound to lose.
That's right, sir.
Therefore, and hear me good,
lieutenant, hear me good.
You are going out to that table,
and you are going to lose every,
single million!
What's going on?
Is he letting you gamble?
He insists on it. What?
I thought he was going to
court-martial you?
He is.
Go ahead, lieutenant.
Let's have no foul-up.
Sit down!
Don't you have a report
to write up?
No, I have decided against it.
After all, in a few weeks,
they are going to give me Rome.
When I finish my report,
you'll be lucky to get
Are we ready to gamble?
If you can call it that.
Your numbers are 8, 11 and 30.
Is that correct?
All set, Fergie?
Change of numbers.
I want 9, 16, and 2.
You want what?
Will you stop saying what?
Just switch the bets.
For Pete's sakes, why?
Yes, signore.
Your system has broken down
Look, I'm making
a simple request.
I want this on 9, I want this on
16, and I want...
No, no changes!
The bets have been placed.
It is too late.
- Now, wait a minute!
- No waiting!
Spin the wheel.
Hold it!
Want a riot? A riot?
This could start a war.
Now you listen to me... No!
You listen to me?
I said there is
no such a thing as a system,
and I will prove it.
Start the ball.
And no tricks,
carbieri, watch every move of
the signore?
Every move.
The ball is spinning.
The winning number is
9, 27, and 30.
All bets are off.
All bets are not off.
Number 30 wins!
Those chips belong
to the casino.
Gentlemen... Now, please...
You listen to me, old eldridge.
Money or no money... Yeah, sure.
Bets or no bets,
you're going
to marry me, do you hear?
If you don't, my father will
have you stuffed!
So that's the way it is,
is it, Harvey?
Signalman Taylor here.
Seems to be some excitement
over at the casino.
Arrest that man!
Take me to a blacksmith shop.
In venice, sir?
What for?
Good heavens, sir!
Who's responsible for this?
That's my future son-in-law.
Beau, it's all right.
We're married.