The Honor List (2018) Movie Script
(CAR HORN HONKING)
GIRL: Piper, let Honor drive.
Turn off here. Turn here!
Stop talking!
I can't concentrate.
Oh, my God! We're gonna die!
We're not gonna... We're only
going 10 miles an hour. Relax.
Relax? We'll all be dead,
so it won't even matter.
- Stop screaming!
- Just pull over.
- (CAR HORN HONKS)
- Piper, just pull over.
Pi-Piper!
(RADIO PLAYING MUSIC)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Well, that was a total fail.
We missed the sunset.
Isabella,
this is all your fault.
What? Me?
We could have died.
How are we getting home?
We are not driving
down that hill.
- Hitchhike?
- BOTH: Hitchhike?!
Do you want us to end up
dead on the side of the road,
cut into pieces?
Because that's
what happens to hitchers.
Oh, relax.
It's L.A. County, not Tijuana.
I'd pay money to see your face
on the back of a milk carton.
"Missing... Sophie Stephens."
- I'll do something to your...
- Oh, just try.
I knew we should
have stayed at home
- (TURNS UP MUSIC)
- and watched "Vampire Diaries."
Vampires are so boring.
Oh, please. I remember
when you were Team Edward,
and don't even,
because I have the photos.
You told me that you were only
gonna use that
for your scrapbook.
We've got all
the time in the world
We've got all the time
in the world
So for how many years
have we wanted to say
That we've said it all,
there's nothing left to say?
And for how many years
have we wanted to live?
Now we've lived it all,
and everything's okay
- Yeah, it's okay
- It's okay
- It's okay
- It's okay
- It's okay
- It's okay
- It's okay
- It's okay
Oh oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
Don't hold back, here we go
We've got all the time,
we will carry each other
Oh oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
I will never let you go
I'm right here for you
more than you will ever know
(MUSIC FADES)
(FLY BUZZING)
(CLATTERING)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
MAN ON TV: Back about 200,
maybe 350 years ago,
this entire ridge
was covered with water.
You see that slow,
gradual slope there.
As it comes around, there's...
(MUSIC PLAYING)
- (WATER RUNNING)
- You
And I don't know
why I'm not listening
You're whispering
Confused
And now it's been too long
And you're far from gone
You're far from gone
So why do you
keep wandering
Inside my lonely head?
And why do I keep suffering
When all my friends
said life goes on?
Why do you keep wandering
inside my lonely bed?
And why do I
keep surrendering
When all my friends
said I'll move on?
I don't know why,
don't know why
Maybe I, maybe I made a lie
'Cause I don't
wanna die alone
No, I don't wanna die alone
I don't know why,
don't know why
Maybe I,
maybe I made a lie...
What's the scoop this issue?
Carcinogens in tampons?
Eww.
Did I say
that you could come in?
We're having breakfast.
Want some?
Eat with those two?
No, thanks.
Mom and Dad
seem like they're getting along.
Like the United States
and China?
Isabella...
it's gonna be okay.
You live 10 miles away
at college,
and you're never here,
so what do you know?
I was talking about today.
It can seem so cruel
when someone as talented,
beautiful, and smart as Honor
is taken from us.
Man, she had it all.
She was looking forward
to her scholarship
at the Royal Ballet School
in London next year.
But Honor knew the future
was not guaranteed.
Because of her heart condition,
Honor lived every day
to the fullest.
So today, join me in remembering
the wonderful young woman
that was Honor Liang.
Let us pray.
Lord, we pray
for those who mourn,
parents and children,
friends and neighbors.
Have you seen Piper?
- Be gentle with them...
- No.
in their grief.
Spare them the torment
of guilt and despair.
(MUFFLED)
Be with them...
...of our risen Savior,
Jesus Christ, our Lord.
Amen.
(SOFT OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
What if Honor died a virgin?
You know,
I never thought about that.
You think she was?
I don't know.
Thanks.
You were in my history class
first year.
Sophie, right?
I'm... I'm Aaron.
You invented
the Worth the Wait app, right?
Mm-hmm.
So, what, does it, like,
send you a warning message
or something
before you, you know,
send a sexy message?
(SIGHS) That's correct. Yeah.
Cool.
Cool.
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
Honor's favorite things,
they'll be burned with her.
Piper?
Hi, Mrs. Walker, Mr. Walker.
Piper. It's nice to see you,
despite the circumstances.
Excuse me.
Sorry they're
still so weird around you.
It's okay.
How are you otherwise?
You... You look really good.
(CHUCKLES)
Thanks, but I'm
just gonna ignore the fact
that you're flirting with me
at Honor's wake.
And, uh, I won't mention
what's in your cup.
Oh, no.
It's not what you think.
Um, I'm gonna go talk
to Mrs. Liang.
Mrs. Liang.
Mrs. Liang.
So...
So?
How was the funeral?
What do you think?
It was a blast.
The eulogy from Honor's dad
was very moving.
It was great to see
so many people turn out.
Everything was really nice.
Can't wait
to have a nice funeral.
Well, you're about
as depressing as one.
At least I was there.
Where were you?
Couldn't find
the right Jimmy Choos?
Funerals aren't
cool enough for you?
Stop.
What is wrong with you guys?
Our best friend died,
our best friend back
when we were all best friends!
Mmm.
It'll be like
we're having one with her.
You know,
these are Honor's cigarettes.
I found them under her bed.
They're not stale,
so I think she was smoking them
up until she, um...
she died.
Did you know she was smoking?
Oh, I... I did not tell her dad.
(COUGHS)
Now I wish I'd let her do
everything she wanted to do.
You know,
there are so many rules.
Ballet's no joke with the...
the discipline
and the dieting and...
I, um, I went through
all that, but I quit.
You know,
I didn't want Honor to, um...
But now...
Now it doesn't matter, so...
So...
I'm gonna let her do
what she wants to do
with this one last thing.
She left last wishes
for everyone she loved.
She left ones for you.
You all made
a... a list together, right,
a bucket list or something?
Yeah. That's right.
Yeah. Well, Honor wants you
to do all those things
on that list,
uh, before graduation,
just like you planned.
Piper. Hey!
Don't ever speak for me.
Who do you think you are?
You should have asked, Piper.
I can't do the list.
I can't drop everything.
Okay, you two just shut up.
We're not actually doing
the list.
You just said that we...
You saw
how upset Mrs. Liang was.
So you lied?
Wow.
She'll never know.
HONOR: Piper,
stop making that face.
What face?
That's my real face.
It should be its own emoji.
No!
You're gonna get water
up my nose.
Oh! Eww! Eww!
Go away, Dillon. Go away.
Okay, guys, come on. Hurry up.
- Get out of the shot.
- One, two...
Dillon, move.
- Get over here, Tchaikovsky.
- Come in. Come on.
- I'll take it.
- Come on, Honor.
We're such a perfect
ethnically layered sandwich
right now.
Yeah,
like a tampon commercial.
Oh, I love you guys.
Okay, say, "Monkey butt."
Monkey butt!
(LAUGHING)
You ready?
- Ready?
- Yeah.
(ALL SCREAM)
Tie it tight.
- I'm gonna count to 30.
- Okay.
And if you don't come up,
I am pulling that rope.
- Ready?
- Okay.
Here I go. (INHALES)
1, 2, 3,
4, 5, 6,
7, 8, 9,
10, 11, 12...
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
Can't believe she's gone.
Why?
What do you mean, "Why?"
You weren't friends.
Yeah, but she was cool.
So are we still on
for spray tans after school?
Hell, yeah. I am as white
as a polar bear's butt crack.
(LAUGHS)
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
On behalf of the Morrisettes,
Krissy and I are organizing
a charity basketball fundraiser
for the Heart Rescue Project
in Honor's name.
Get your tickets.
Honor's midnight vigil
should have a sense
of integrity, class,
definitely a U2 cover.
Hey, Piper, um,
I know you weren't
really friends with Honor,
but I just made
a Remember Honor page.
Since you're Class President,
could you, you know,
like, share,
let people know about it?
Make the background color
pink.
Pink was her favorite color.
For Honor's locker,
out of respect
for her Japanese heritage.
I think we should find
the time capsule
and do the list.
There's no we, Piper.
If we were such good friends,
why didn't she tell us
that she was sick?
- (P.A. CHIMES)
- Good morning, students.
Principal Logan would like to
start the day with a few words.
We're going to take
a schoolwide moment of silence
in remembrance of Honor Liang.
And while we take a moment
to reflect on Honor
and what she meant
to the school,
we're going to play
her favorite song to dance to,
Bach's Third Orchestral Suite.
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
She would have danced
to the Weeknd over Bach any day.
She hated pink.
Her favorite color was purple.
Have you seen her locker?
Yeah. It looks
like a fairy threw up.
Don't get me started.
And what's with
all that origami shit?
She wasn't even Japanese.
Her family's from Taiwan.
Yesterday Honor's mom said
we knew her and no one else did.
I mean, it's true. We did.
So I have to do this list,
and if you loved her,
you'll do it with me.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
I told you we should have
gone home first for our suits.
Looks like the rope
is still there.
Bet you I find it first.
What do you wanna bet?
There's a boat right there.
Knowing I beat you
is the only reward I need.
You're on.
(BOTH YELLING)
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Stop kicking water in my face!
(YELLS)
- I found it.
- (GROANS)
Kiss my ass.
Help.
Oh, "Free Mo" from
when I did that PETA march.
(LAUGHS)
Cotton candy?
No, it was an act
of political resistance.
- What?
- Remember when Isabella
grew out her armpit hair
and dyed it pink?
Oh, my God. Eww. Eww. Eww.
- You're so gross.
- Eww.
"Get into the Royal
School of Ballet."
Well, she got in,
just never got to go.
Okay,
let's not get all gloomy.
Just do this,
and get it over with.
I mean, let's do
the list for Honor.
I can only read six.
Six is easy, right?
Some... Something "break"?
Outbreak?
Jailbreak?
- Jailbreak Mo.
- That's right.
You used to make us
go to pet stores
and unleash all the parakeets.
Oh, yeah.
Wait. So are you
still vegetarian?
Yeah.
Impressive, vegetarian virgin.
We pledge thee our loyalty
Go, Mo, go, Mo
Why is our mascot a goat?
I mean, shouldn't it be, like,
a dolphin or a narwhal?
I mean, we're the Mariners,
not the Capricorns.
Okay, Mo is, like,
under high security.
Coach Johnson
is obsessed with him.
Oh, yeah. He keeps Mo
locked up, doesn't he?
- Mm-hmm.
- So we just need keys.
Who do we know?
You're the popular one.
Oh, no, God.
Only people who aren't popular
use the word "popular."
- You outted me.
- (MOCKING)
Okay, well,
we must know somebody.
Uh, who's the guy
that's the mascot?
(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING)
I'm not ready for love
I'm not ready for love
I'm not ready for love
- I'm not ready for love
- (APP WHISTLES)
I'm not ready
to kiss and hug
I'm not ready for love
I'm not ready to sit at home
- And wait for you
- (WHISTLE)
To find the phone,
I'm not ready
- (WHISTLES)
- No, no, baby
I'm not ready for love
- I'm not ready
- I'm not ready for love
- Oh, sugar
- I'm not ready for love
I'm not ready
to fight that fight
I'm not ready
to cry all night
Love is the thing
I'm not ready to face
So you
just gotta go your way
- I'm not ready
- I'm not ready for love
- Agh! Gaah!
- Ah, baby
- I'm not ready for love
- (GROANS)
Ready, ah, no, no, not ready
I hope you don't get
in trouble for this, Aaron.
I've been the mascot
for two years,
and I've never seen Mo
in his natural element.
He deserves a night of freedom.
- (CHUCKLES)
- It's almost 10:00.
Where's Piper?
BOY: Later, babe.
(CAR DRIVES AWAY)
Oh, my God.
(SNICKERS)
(LAUGHS) Where's the goat?
Of course
you had to show up wasted.
I am not wasted.
You're wasted.
(DOOR CREAKS)
(SNIFFING)
- Ugh.
- Eww.
AARON: Yeah,
you get used to that.
- What is it?
- Urine.
Oh, speaking of,
I have to cop a squat.
Bucks pee on their entire faces,
like their whole beard
and chest area.
Kinky.
You would take it there.
It's actually very natural.
That's right. The, uh, does
find it irresistible.
(URINATING)
Mo looks pretty content.
- You sure he wants to be free?
- (BLEATING)
You try living in captivity
for your entire life.
Of course he does.
All right, Mo.
Door's open. Be free.
Come on, Mo.
We're trying to set you free.
It's time to roam wild.
Come here, Mo. I have some
yummy grass for you can eat.
I think that's fertilized.
No, no, he'll die.
He can't eat that.
No, no,
goats can eat anything.
I saw one eat
a whole tin can once.
- That's a cartoon, Piper.
- I think I know the one.
Okay, but let me
just go grab him.
How about you let someone
who can stand upright do this?
- Come on, Mo.
- You can do it.
Free Mo,
and end animal mascot cruelty!
After years of severe trauma
by the noise, crowds,
chaos of games,
and not to mention
being forced to ride on a boat,
Mo is free.
- (BLEATING)
- (LAUGHS)
Free Mo!
- (LAUGHTER)
- It's not funny, you guys.
- This is so lame.
- Oh. Yeah.
(BALLAD PLAYING)
Do you like this song
or something a bit more upbeat?
Does the top go up?
No. It's broken.
I just keep praying
it doesn't rain. (LAUGHS)
H-How about this song?
- (ROCK-'N'-ROLL PLAYING)
- Uh, yeah, sure.
Can you turn it down a little?
(LOWERS VOLUME)
What's wrong?
Don't you wanna be seen with me?
No, yeah, it...
it's just that...
you know, I-I'm a girl,
and you're a guy,
and it's late, and I just...
I just don't want
anyone to think we're...
Right.
You have an image to keep up.
So when did you decide you
wanted to wait till marriage?
Freshman year,
when I started Worth the Wait.
- Why?
- I made a pact with someone.
Oh, like, with a guy?
No, not like that.
Just a friend.
I have an idea.
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
I
- (WHOOPING)
- Don't wanna be too cool
This is so much fun!
(LAUGHS)
I don't wanna be...
(MUSIC AND ENGINE STOP)
Um, actually I...
I want to tell you something.
Could you put this back on?
I... I just feel like
I might actually tell you
if I pretend I'm talking to Mo.
You talk to Mo?
Sometimes.
Do you think
that's confusing for him,
because I'm like
his alter ego or...
Anyway, uh...
here it goes.
I'm a virgin, too.
Not by choice, exactly, but,
yeah, I've never done it, so...
maybe we're not
so different from each other?
Can I see your ring?
Yeah.
Pretty.
Thank you.
(STEREO PLAYING MUSIC)
(HONOR CHUCKLES)
(GASPS)
O.M.G. Eww!
Is that what they look like?
Wait. What? Wait.
You've never seen one before?
- No.
- (SQUEALS)
It's so angry-looking.
Ugh. I know. (SQUEALS)
- (CELLPHONE CHIMES)
- Wait.
He wants me to send him nudes.
One in a million
Yeah, I'm one in a million
- (LAUGHS)
- I burned a bridge
And I got out of town
Whispered winds pulled me in
- Now I'm not coming down...
- (LAUGHS)
Wait. What did you just do?
Oh, I'm just kidding.
I sent him
a picture of my granddad
when he went to the beach
and lost his Speedos.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Oh, my God. Eww.
Don't make me feel like
I've never known life
I'm one in a million
Yeah, I'm one in a million
Baby, you feel like
I've never known life...
You know,
when I was dating Antony,
he pressured me all the time.
He told me that if
I wanted to kiss and hug,
we'd have to do it first.
I-Is that why
you broke up with him?
(SIGHS)
(GROANS)
It's so stupid.
Like, why does it
always have to be about sex?
I know.
Why don't we make a pact
to stay virgins?
Really?
Yeah.
It's us versus the whole school.
Let's wait to have sex
until we're married.
Or at least engaged.
(BOTH LAUGH)
PIPER: Do you see
any chicks up here?
Yeah, there's no way
we can do this.
That's sexist.
Yeah, totally sexist,
but true.
I've researched
competitive eating.
If we stand up, it'll give us
more room for food.
If we dunk each slice
into water,
it'll lubricate the pizza
going down our throats.
Ugh. Yeah, no, I'm pretty sure
I'm allergic to garlic.
I'm lactose intolerant,
but I'm still doing this.
Yeah, I'm just not sure.
What, you're too afraid
to desecrate
your perfect online image?
No, I don't care about that.
Sure.
Think of Honor.
Her whole life was grapefruits
and hard-boiled eggs.
(SONG IN ITALIAN PLAYING)
(SCOFFS)
Uh, we're here for the Big
Mama & Papa's Pizza challenge.
Perfecto.
First we need you
to challenge another group.
We choose them.
Seriously?
- (SIGHS)
- Boom.
Boom.
- Pow.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, I don't know.
- Think is gonna be okay.
Bathroom is back there. Okay.
You have one hour
to finish these pizzas.
Let's make history, girls.
I mean, I'm on my period,
so I've got this.
Pronte, attente, via.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Let's go, let's go
It'll all,
it'll be all right
Let's go, let's go
So much fun,
I can dance all night
'Cause we're rocking,
and we're rolling
Going to the party tonight
Yeah, we're rocking,
now we're rolling
Going to the party tonight
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
- Let's go, let's go...
- (LAUGHING)
What?
It looks like someone
threw up on your face.
Okay, have you seen your face?
Or Sophie's?
(LAUGHTER)
No, no, no, no, no.
Can't laugh. It hurts.
You have one minute left.
Look, we're not gonna finish.
We just have to beat them,
wipe their saucy smiles
off their CrossFit faces.
(GAGS)
I can't. No more.
I give in.
No, you can't give in.
Would you let
those Worth the Wait girls
star in "Girls Gone Wild"?
Mm-mm.
Then show me your willpower!
- Oh, God.
- (GROANING)
'Cause we're rockin'
Now we're rollin'
Going to the party tonight
Yeah, we're rocking...
Good job. Proud of you.
Going to the party tonight
- Yeah, we're rocking
- Rocking
- Now we're rolling
- Rolling...
- Time's up.
- (GROANS)
Yeah, we're rocking,
now we're rolling...
(CHEERING)
Ugh.
We tell no one about this.
Sophie, do you have antacids?
Yeah. They're in my purse.
Oh, no. Block your ears again.
- La, la la la la!
- (PLOPPING)
La, la la! (GROANS)
(LAUGHS)
(SPRAYING)
Okay,
I'm gonna cross this off.
Next one on the list is...
perform at an open mic night.
Piper, this has your name
written all over it.
What do you mean?
It's from that time
that you choked
before the variety show
in eighth grade.
(LAUGHS) That's right.
It was so embarrassing.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Hey, you cannot talk
about embarrassing.
We can literally hear you
shitting molten lava.
I hate myself.
(CELLPHONE BUZZES)
(CHIME RINGS)
You're leaving?
Yeah.
O-Okay.
Bye, Sophie.
Okay, bye.
There's really
not a... a good way to say this
or a good time.
Your dad is moving out.
We were gonna wait until after
graduation to tell you, but...
Your mom can't live with me
for one more second.
You're the one who said
our marriage was dead.
Suppose this
was a long time coming.
So you're
just gonna leave, too?
Got an early-morning lecture.
You seen my jacket?
It's in the back room.
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
"There's something
both frightening
"and yet so very comforting
about darkness.
"It's in the way it hugs
every curve of your body,
"how it forgives
those mountains and plateaus
"that daylight does not.
"In the darkness, you can hide.
"You can hide
from pretty much anything,
so you turn off the lights."
I don't even know
if it's poetry,
just random thoughts,
brain excrement.
No one's ever read it.
I feel like I'm in the dark,
like I'm hiding.
You do? From what?
I keep listening
to "Appassionata."
Beethoven wrote it
when he was losing his hearing
and no one knew.
He hid it from everyone.
He was in the dark.
Can I tell you something?
Yeah. What's up?
You should keep writing.
Your brain excrement
is good shit.
(BOTH LAUGH)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Let go
We're climbing up
a step higher
Let go
We're reaching out
to touch gold...
No, no, no, no, no,
I am an average white guy.
But I'm expected
to somehow be doing awesome,
succeeding, and kicking ass,
despite being average.
Because I'm white?
Let me ask you something.
If being white was all
it was cracked up to be,
I should be hosting
my own show on cable TV, right?
Well, then why am I stuck
emceeing this open mic?
'Cause you suck.
- (LAUGHTER)
- Loser.
Yeah, my... my mom showed up,
everyone. Heh.
O-Oh, my God.
Guys. Hi.
Uh, w-what are you doing here?
We could ask you
the same question.
We're here for the gig later.
Oh.
Thought you were
helping your dad?
Uh, yeah. Yeah, I was.
I just... I just saw there...
We're here for open mic night.
(SNICKERS)
Why is that, J-Lo?
Because Honor wanted us to.
(MOCKING) "Because Honor
wanted us to do it."
Don't embarrass yourself,
Leah.
It'll ruin your spray tan.
Oh, you think you're so funny,
but just remember.
We have videotape
that might just embarrass you.
Come on, Piper.
Troy has some friends
stopping by later.
- Come on.
- Yeah.
(LAUGHS)
My name is Sophie Stephens,
and I'm a virgin.
Frigid.
(LAUGHTER)
I created an app
called Worth the Wait
to help you control those urges.
How do you control
your urges, Sophie?
Best friends AA batteries?
- (LAUGHTER)
- It's... It's fine.
I'm... I'm not ashamed.
I masturbate consciously.
- Yeah!
- (LAUGHTER)
And when I have
really overpowering urges,
I go for a run or a spin class.
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
This is called
"Gentle Mutilation
on the Natural State of my Body
in the Name of Being
Socially Acceptable."
Can't believe you were
ever friends with her.
Thank you.
(RAZOR CLATTERS)
(APPLAUSE)
If you'd like to sign up,
and I know all of you do...
You were really good up there.
Whatever.
Thanks, gorgeous.
Hey, guys.
Hey.
What are you doing here?
Nikki Yanofsky's
coming on at 10:00.
So you've got time
to come see a gig,
but you're too busy
to help us pack?
I had finals this week, Issy.
Pack for what?
All right,
ladies and gentlemen,
next up, can we have
Piper Morley to the stage?
Piper Mor... Piper Morley.
You're going on?
- No.
- Yes.
Cool. I'll grab a seat.
Break a nail.
Thank you.
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
(SCATTERED WHISPERING)
(AUDIENCE MEMBER
CLEARS THROAT)
Hey, Barbie, say something.
Yeah. Um...
uh, roses are red,
beer is great,
poems are hard,
beer.
(MAN CHUCKLES)
Uh, that's a...
that was a T-shirt
I woke up in the other morning.
- Um...
- (CHUCKLES)
Okay. Uh,
speaking of beer, um, what...
what do a bottle of Corona and...
and a blonde have in common?
No? Uh...
both are empty from the neck up.
(COUGHS)
Just gonna... Okay.
Um...
uh...
oh, God.
So I'm an only child...
and I've got divorced parents.
Who else here
has divorced parents?
I decided to live with my dad.
Why? 'Cause at first,
it was like living
with a cool older brother,
'cause he left
the toilet seat up,
and I didn't have a curfew.
Plus my mom, she sucks.
(LAUGHS)
But she does make the best
banana bacon pancakes ever,
so that's why I
still let her come around.
She cheated on my dad
for years, and...
uh, now she's with
this guy called BMyBae2night,
which I'm pretty sure is,
like, the worst possible name
you could have on OkCupid,
except for NotAnInternetKiller.
(LAUGHTER)
This is also around the time
that I started
making bad decisions.
Now, what kind of bad decisions,
you may ask?
Here.
Actually, let's play a game.
So you guys name a location,
and I will say a bad decision
I made in connection to it.
Uh, you in the second row,
red sweater next to the guy
who's hoping to sleep with you
by the end of the night.
That's my brother.
- (LAUGHTER)
- Oh.
Oh, my bad.
How about Starbucks?
Caused a small,
but contained fire.
(LAUGHTER)
405 Freeway.
My car was towed
while I was still in it,
and I didn't have pants on.
(LAUGHTER)
Malibu Beach?
Threw up on a French bulldog
and his owner.
Um, I still get
the occasional text from him.
The dog, not the owner.
(LAUGHTER)
My name's Piper.
When I grow up,
I would like to be
a boozed-up writer like my dad
or Elizabeth Bishop,
just without the unrequited love
and torture part.
- Amen.
- Whoo-hoo.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
(BAND PLAYING)
You must be blowin' smoke
(NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE)
You must be blowin' smoke
High on your supply
Believe in love
Holes in
Sugar, sugar coating
You must be blowin' smoke
Hopeless
Got to get going now
You must be blowin' smoke
(GRUNTS)
Holes in
Sugar coatin'
Ooh hoo
I know you
must be blowin' smoke
You must be blowin' smoke
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
Throw a kick-ass
senior year party.
Well, that's your department,
Piper.
What?
Isn't that what you,
Leah, and Krissy
do for a living,
professional partiers?
That's not all we do together.
Okay, sure. Maybe it is,
but the idea is you party with
people you wanna hang out with,
you know, not like...
Okay, like it's so great
for my image?
I have to tell people
that I'm doing research
on women who have been having
meaningless sex for years
and how that affects
their brain.
Well, maybe
if you actually had sex,
you wouldn't be
such a psycho with PMS.
Okay, so how are we
actually gonna do this,
'cause I can't have
the party at my place,
so obviously it has to be
at Isabella's.
What? That's impossible.
My parents
are doing renovations.
Really?
So it's at Sophie's.
What? No. Mm-mm. No way.
Don't your parents
go away, like, every weekend?
Yes, but that's
besides the point.
No, I mean, Sophie,
it's perfect.
I mean, your house is huge.
You've got a pool
and the fire pit in the back.
It's like
a perfect make-out spot.
- No, we can't...
- No, no, thanks, Sophie.
I'll help clean up.
Uh, will you arrange the drinks?
- I already did the invite.
- What?
Later.
- (LAUGHS)
- Piper!
(SIGHS)
Okay, bacon
banana cream pie pancakes.
Yum. Coming up. I'm almost done.
You okay?
Why didn't you go
to Honor's funeral?
I was waiting for you.
You didn't have to go.
Yes, I... I wanted to go.
Of course I was gonna go.
I mean, Honor's your friend.
Was.
Is everything okay over here?
You all right?
Yeah. Um, it's good.
Everything's good.
Oh, did I tell you,
uh, Dad's dating again?
No.
Yeah, he met
some... some great woman.
She's a lawyer,
urban renewal,
works pro bono.
She's a redhead,
and she drives a Porsche.
Wow, really? That's...
Okay. Good.
Yeah, he's really happy.
Okay, I think I found the only
clean plate in the entire house.
Thanks, Mom.
(CLEARS THROAT)
(SIGHS)
Really good. (LAUGHS)
Okay, good. Good.
Hey, I'm moving in with Colin.
BMyBae2night? That guy?
That was a joke.
That was a joke.
His friends h-helped him
set up the profile.
I told you that. It doesn't...
Actually, I would just like it
if you would call him Colin,
all right?
You getting married?
I don't... Maybe, I guess.
Possibly.
Yeah, we are.
Piper, we've got to move on.
Right? I mean,
your dad's moving on.
He's dating.
And are you dealing
with all of this...
or are you just...
are you just keeping it inside
the whole time,
or what are you doing?
Actually, you know,
your dad was telling me
you've been hanging out
with Isabella.
I know you two
have been through a lot, and...
but she's always
been a really good...
Dad's not dating!
He sleeps on the sofa
and looks like the Dude
from "The Big Lebowski,"
so everything is not okay.
Oh.
Sorry.
Piper. Uh...
Oh.
(SCOFFS)
A Porsche and a redhead?
Oh, that's, yeah, a dream.
Dream.
(SIGHS)
(CHUCKLES)
I decorated this whole room
around his terrible
brown recliner.
Now look at it.
Heh.
It's what you wanted,
wasn't it?
Yes...
but it still hurts.
Just promise me
you won't leave me, too.
(PHONE LINE RINGS)
You've reached Dillon.
You know the drill.
Beep!
(BEEP)
Thanks for ignoring my call...
jerk.
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
Because of you, I
No matter what I do, oh
- Dance, dance
- Because of you, I
- I wish I never...
- (CAMERA CLICKING)
It's almost 9:00.
Where is everyone?
Ever heard
of being fashionably late?
Or you're just not as popular
as you thought.
Oh, what did I tell you
about using the word "popular"?
Dance, dance
- Because of you
- Dance, dance
I wish I never knew...
Let's have a drink, right?
- Here we go.
- This is gonna be fun.
Isabella.
Shouldn't we wait
till everyone gets here?
We could, or you know
what's more fun
than waiting for everyone?
Not waiting for everyone.
'Cause we, us three,
are so fun,
are so fun,
with parties and stuff.
Like, you know, like, it's a...
Cheers of us three, right?
Come on. Let's cheers it.
The amigos.
Uh-huh. Fun.
Ahh.
Nobody's coming.
What do you mean?
I...
might have...
put the wrong day on the invite.
You did not.
Well, I am...
I am sort of dyslexic, so...
- Or you're just stupid.
- Hey!
Piper, we did all of this
for nothing.
No. No, no, no, no.
Hey, hey, it wasn't for nothing.
Um, we...
We got to use your mom's
super cool punch bowl.
Come on.
Uh, any requests?
Sophie? Sophie? Music?
I know you wanna dance
to Carly Rae Jepsen.
Or... Or we could put on
some vintage Bieber.
Oh, wait!
Oh, it's on.
Supernova, sugar candy
Sugar candy,
cool it off, and cool it off
And pour it on the, pour it
on the supernova, supernova
Sugar candy, sugar candy,
cool it off, and cool it off
And pour it on the, pour it
on the supernova, supernova
- Oh, oh
- (RECORD SCRATCHES)
Come on, yeah, I own it
I want it
I've got it
I want it
I own it
I want it
I got it
Words, waking soft
Waking slow
Fading into focus...
This is the best.
Every pose
Holding in the moment
Every fall, every rise
Falling on your shoulders
And I'm trying not to try
so hard for you...
(MUSIC FADING)
How do you even walk in those?
They're like knives.
I walk the walk.
Or what, Leah and Krissy
will stage a mutiny
and gouge your eyes out
with a stiletto?
(CHUCKLES) Pretty much.
What do you guys
even do together,
you, Leah, and Krissy?
Nothing, really.
It's more just like
we're, like, seen together.
Your friends
are nasty bitches.
I can't stand them.
Then why do they
call you J-Lo?
J-Lo is cool.
Not J-Lo,
like "Jenny from the Block."
Jell-O, like pudding.
Oh.
Remember when Honor used
to put her jeans in the dryer
before we went out
so they'd be super tight?
(CHUCKLES)
Remember that white pair?
God, the guys would lose
their shit when she wore those.
What happened
between you and Honor?
I mean, Piper and me,
that was obvious,
but you guys...
We drifted apart.
I miss Honor.
(SIGHS)
Hi.
Issy said there was
a party or something,
a kick-ass senior party?
Oh. Oh, yeah.
Uh, it's already over. (LAUGHS)
Also never really started. Um...
Isabella's asleep.
Can I come in?
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
I loved seeing you onstage
the other night.
(LAUGHS)
You were funny.
That was very brave.
Brave? Uh, mm-mm.
See, that's a...
that's a code word for,
"should not have, like,
word-vomited
all of my mental problems."
"Run for the hills.
There's a crazy lady
on the stage."
Hey, stop that.
You know, I've always had
a thing for you.
Really? Hmm.
What type of thing?
You know, like, a thing.
Mm. Like a big thing,
or like a small thing?
I'd like to think
it's a big thing.
I don't think Isabella
would like this.
Actually, I know she wouldn't.
We could play cards.
I would destroy you at bridge.
And I want to
And I want to
And I want to get by
(SNORING)
(COUGHS)
(GASPING)
Oh, my God.
Are you okay?
I think I saw David Bowie
last night.
(DILLON YELPS)
Who was that?
I don't know.
Sounded like it came
from the fire pit.
- (CAR DOOR SLAMS)
- (GASPS)
- (MAN SPEAKING)
- Oh, no, no, no.
You know,
air bags are important.
You don't want...
Oh, no, no, no.
My parents are here.
Uh, what should we do?
- I... I don't know.
- We should hide.
Okay, yeah. Hide.
In the closet.
- In the closet. In the closet.
- No, no, no!
- Behind the couch.
- Okay, okay, behind...
Lewis, there's
been a break-in!
- Sophie! Sophie! Oh, my God!
- What? What?
Please, please tell me
you're okay?
Sophie! Soph! What...
What is... What is this?
- (PHONE BEEPS)
- Hey, Siri,
what's the best way
to get gum out of pubic hair?
(BEEP)
Okay, here's
what I found on the web
for "what's the best way
to get gum out of pubic hair?"
Mayonnaise.
Look at this place.
It's like wild animals
stormed through the house.
I mean, I used to have parties
when I was a kid,
but n-nothing like this.
This is like a... a rager
or something.
This... This utter
and complete carnage.
Yes. Good word.
Mom, we did not have a party.
I promise.
Nobody came over.
No boys. It was just me,
Isabella, and Piper.
You expect us to believe that
you three girls did all of this?
- (SNORTS)
- (LAUGHS)
You know what?
Maybe you will think
being grounded is equally funny.
Yeah, Sophie, I don't know
what's come over you.
You know, you disappoint me.
You, too, Isabella!
Expected more from you.
I did not.
I'm sorry,
Mr. and Mrs. Stephens.
- (SCREAMS)
- (SCREAMS)
What the...
SIRI: Here's what
I found on the web
for "what's the second-best way
to get gum out of pubic hair?"
Ice cubes.
(LAUGHS)
The Morrisettes
are gonna bring it
The Morrisettes
are gonna swing it
The Morrisettes
are gonna fire it up
And the Mariners
are gonna triumph
Yeah, the Mariners
are gonna triumph
Yeah, the Mariners...
(MOCKING) Oh, the Mariners
are gonna triumph
Thanks for helping us clean.
Oh, I had to sneak out a guy.
Was that who was screaming?
Yeah, gum got caught
in his pubes.
- Ow.
- Yeah.
So who's the guy?
Oh, just some... It's a model
I met at Sunset Tower.
So original.
Yeah.
I love that you're
still doing this.
This looks like
your best issue yet.
You read it?
So, number five.
Yeah, I... I can't read it.
This one.
Okay, let me see.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Get back at...
Get... Get back...
I mean, if we can't read it,
we should just skip
to the last one.
No, no, no, no, no.
Rest. Test. Get...
No. Okay, give it to me.
Give it to me. Give it to me.
Lean. Something lean.
Get back and lean?
Gig...
That says, "giggle," though.
Giggle lean.
- Giggle?
- Giggle and lean?
Jiggle.
- Huh?
- What?
Jiggle.
Get back at the Morrisettes
for the jiggle test.
You girls made it
to the final cut
of the Morrisettes.
The Morrisettes have been
an institution since what year?
Um, 2010.
Correct.
A Morrisette
is a model of health,
beauty, athleticism, and what?
Sisterhood.
Yes, sisterhood.
It is the highest honor you
can imagine to be a Morrisette.
Do you have what it takes
to be one of us?
- Yes.
- Yes.
- We can't hear you.
- Yes!
Are you willing
to do what it takes?
- Yes!
- Yes!
Strip down to your bra
and underwear.
Don't worry. We've got this.
(TOGETHER)
Now do the cheer.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Morrisettes are everywhere
Mariners fight
like they don't care
Twerking it, working it,
from the right
Hey, Mariners,
go take up the fight
The Morrisettes
are gonna bring it
Flashlights over here.
The Morrisettes
are gonna swing it
The Morrisettes
are gonna fire it up
And the Mariners
are gonna triumph
The Mariners
are gonna triumph
The Mariners are
gonna triumph
The Mariners
are gonna triumph
(CHEERING FADES)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(MORRISETTES WHISPERING)
After careful consideration,
we've come to a decision.
Isabella, you did
not pass the jiggle test.
We can't offer you a spot
on the Morrisettes.
You're welcome to go on a diet
and try out again next year.
But we do caution you not
to expose our selection methods,
or we will expose
your audition tape as well.
Way to go, Jell-O.
So, what do you think
of my plan?
I mean, they're your people,
subhuman as they are.
They're gonna hate you
for doing this.
Yeah, I don't really care.
It's almost graduation, and I
never have to see them again.
Then I'm in.
Didn't know you had it in you.
Oh, Sophie, can you hack
the lights above the court?
Sophie?
I'm sorry,
but I can't do this.
Why?
Maybe this isn't a big deal
for you guys.
I mean, you guys do these types
of things all the time.
But it is for me.
We said we'd do the list...
for Honor.
I know, but don't guilt me out
about Honor.
This isn't exactly on the list.
If anyone should have
reservations, it's me.
I'm the one
with the jiggly bits.
Oh, shut up. You're hot.
And Sophie, you are, too.
Sophie, you should be proud
of your body.
This isn't about me
being proud of my body.
I'm not doing this,
because I'm not a slut!
Whoa.
Yeah, okay,
tell us how you really feel.
- I'm sorry.
- Don't be.
If this makes me a slut,
then I am the biggest,
sloppiest one of them all.
I didn't mean for it
to come out like that.
You know,
for someone who hasn't had sex,
you certainly
make everything about it.
You're always teasing me
about being a virgin.
Yeah, you judge me
for not being one.
Listen. I don't care
that you haven't had sex.
I think it's awesome
that you're choosing that.
Be you, but I am so sick
of you judging me.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, hey, Sophie.
Yeah.
Sorry for interrupting.
Oh, no, don't worry about it.
I... I--I didn't know you
were so health conscious.
Oh, yeah, no one realizes
how in shape you've gotta be
to be the mascot.
You know,
a lot of running and jumping.
Yeah, that... that's cool
you take it so seriously.
Yeah, well,
games can get intense.
Uh, yeah,
actually that's kind of
what I wanted to ask you about.
Another favor? Yes.
Uh, but you don't even know
what I'm gonna ask you.
Well, the answer's yes,
but only if you'll
go to prom with me.
PLAYER: We got you!
- Go! Go!
- Heads up! Heads up!
Okay, yeah.
Awesome.
You... You didn't tell me
what the favor was.
I'm in.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(SCATTERED CHEERING)
(CHEERING)
Go, Mariners!
(CROWD CHEERING)
(CELLPHONE DINGS)
Hey.
Hey. Uh,
I grabbed your uniform.
Thanks.
(SIGHS)
I am so nervous.
Oh, yeah.
I've peed, like, eight times.
(BOTH LAUGH)
That's a lot, even for you.
(COUGHS)
Piper.
Yeah?
It's not good.
Just in case
we don't live to tell...
this one isn't just for Honor.
It's for you.
(CELLPHONE DINGS)
I think you should be the one
to cross it off the list.
Thanks.
(CELLPHONE DINGS)
Someone really wants
your attention.
Is it Ball Sac on Ice?
(LAUGHS)
Hey.
Never thought
I'd be doing this.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome the Morrisettes
of Morris High!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Five, six, seven, eight.
Morrisettes are everywhere
Mariners fight
like they don't care
Twerking it, working it
from the right
Hey, Mariners,
go take up the fight
The Morrisettes,
they're gonna bring it
- The Morrisettes are...
- (CROWD MURMURING)
(OVER P.A.)
The Morrisettes use blackmail
and body shaming
as audition tactics.
- What?
- We say no more!
What's going on?
(AARON BEAT-BOXING)
Ahh...
Oh, I say, "Hello,"
you say, "Hell, no"
I say, "Hello,"
you say, "Hell, no"
We won't take no more of this,
hell, no
You can't take us anywhere
'Cause we jiggle, jiggle,
jiggle like we just don't care
Wiggling,
jiggling to the right
- (CROWD CHEERING)
- If you wanna swipe left
Better put up a fight
Don't be afraid,
'cause we gorgeous
Don't be ashamed,
'cause we're serious
This is no game,
not faking this
We're gonna make you
look ridiculous
We're gonna
make you look ridiculous
We're gonna make you
look ridiculous
We're gonna
make you look ridiculous
We say, "Hello,"
you say, "Hell, no"
We say, "Hello,"
you say, "Hell, no"
Hello, hell, no,
hello, hell, no
We won't take
no more of this, hell, no!
If you wanna feel the heat,
you gotta bring it
If you wanna see the moves,
you gotta swing it
If you want a real girl,
you gotta try it
'Cause these little bitches
gonna riot
'Cause these
little bitches gonna riot
'Cause these little bitches
gonna riot
'Cause these
little bitches gonna riot!
'Cause these little bitches
gonna riot!
A-B-C-D-G-A-F
A-B-C-D-G-A-F!
(CROWD GASPING, YELLING)
Hey, Leah, go ahead.
Post my video.
(CROWD CHEERING, YELLING)
- (MUSIC PLAYING)
- (LAUGHING)
(SCREAMING)
We did it!
Pants. Put on these pants.
Pants.
(SCREAMS)
Stood, my dear, oh, mother
Oh, Lord, just keep on
Keep on screaming
and a-crying
Oh, Lord, I wonder...
That was epic.
Most amazing thing
I've ever done.
After tonight, Piper Morley,
you'll be a legend.
- Go, go, go, go!
- Oh, Lord
They're in the weather...
(CELLPHONE RINGS)
Hi, Piper.
Where are you?
Uh, it's us again.
We were at the playground.
Now we have to walk Sophie home,
so just call me when you can.
- Bye.
- Hey.
Hey, it's...
it's Isabella, right?
Saw your cheer at halftime.
Damn.
You got
some big brass ovaries.
See you
in a whole different light.
Thanks.
Bye. Good night.
Hey, so, uh,
we wanna volunteer
to be your next conquests,
get our swerve on
with the curvy one.
Are you propositioning me?
Hey, don't act so shocked.
I mean, you have your tongue
down everyone's throat
at school,
and you, uh, advertised yourself
in a pretty major way tonight.
All I'm saying is
I'm interested in buying it.
I can wear or not wear
whatever I want.
(LAUGHS)
And I can hook up
with who I want when I want.
Tonight was the proudest moment
in my entire stupid little life,
and apparently you guys
didn't get the point.
(LAUGHS)
So maybe this will help.
(YELLING)
What, are you kidding me?!
- (WINCING)
- Hey, you got daddy issues!
- Oh, my God.
- Agh!
Don't say anything.
I was gonna say
that was awesome!
Isabella!
This may be
the final two weeks
of your life at this school,
but do not think
for one moment
that your little halftime
burlesque routine
will go unpunished.
Now tell me
who the third girl was
who stripped
wearing the mascot head.
Aaron Masey is coming in
right after you,
so you girls better be
the one to tell me.
Well, maybe denying you
the chance to go to prom
will have you speaking up.
I don't even wanna go to prom.
Then you can find yourself
on the prom clean-up committee.
Gregory, put Isabella Walker
on the prom clean-up
committee, please.
Is this even necessary?
The girls are over 18.
It was a song
of political protest,
and let me say,
if they were boys,
would we even be in here?
It is very necessary,
and I will get
to the bottom of this.
Piper, was Dillon Walker
part of this?
You were seen in his car
afterward before speeding off.
No. Um, uh, no.
Um, Dillon wasn't.
He... We were, uh...
He just gave me a ride.
That's where you were?
We waited for you for hours.
I just needed to get away.
I just got in his car.
Well, that's called
aiding and abetting.
Can we just get to the point,
Principal Logan?
This is not something
my son would orchestrate,
and Isabella would never,
in a million years...
Wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa,
You're not suggesting
Piper's all to blame?
Excuse me. Who are you?
I'm Colin.
I'm Colin Flynn.
Yes, but who are you?
Why are you here?
Well, Piper, hi.
It's nice to finally meet you.
I'm your mom's fianc.
No, no, this isn't happening.
Let's just all calm down here.
Okay? Let's just take
a deep breath,
get back to what we're
talking about, please.
- Hi.
- Oh, my God. Hi.
Piper, I...
Colin, what are you doing here?
Well, they called me,
'cause they couldn't find you.
Yeah, and I apologize.
I was in court.
Well, it's nice to see you
got your priorities straight,
- as always.
- You know what? Take it easy.
At least I'm sober.
I'm taking it easy, huh?
Everyone, please.
There's no need
to be so abrasive.
Are you defending her?
That is so typical.
Abrasive? (LAUGHS)
Who's abrasive, Mike?
You slept with my wife.
- Oh, my God.
- I mean, when she was my wife
and before she slept
with this douche bag.
- Okay.
- What?
I mean, come on.
What kind of... I'm not a man?
What kind of man
wears a tank top in public?
- What?
- I did see Bradley Cooper
wearing a tank top yesterday
at happy hour.
It does work
on the right kind of man.
- (LAUGHING)
- Thank you.
Oh, my God.
I just put two and two together.
You, you are BMyBae2night.
(LAUGHING)
- How...
- Oh, my God, this is great.
That is so good.
Congratulations.
You deserve all of it.
Piper.
(OVER P.A.)
Good morning, Mariners.
- A reminder to all seniors...
- Isabella, wait!
deposits for cap and gown
must be received by tomorrow.
Are you sleeping with Dillon?
Just let me explain.
Explain what?
It's written all over your face.
Yes, or no?
Is my brother Ball Sac on Ice?
(LAUGHTER)
Yes.
Isabella!
(LAUGHTER)
(KEYS CLATTER)
Isabella!
You know what? I don't care.
School's almost over, and I
never have to see you again.
Oh, of course. Just walk away.
Yeah, that's what you did
with our parents.
We were going through
the same thing,
but you got to keep your family,
and I got nothing.
Well, my dad's moving out,
and you're hooking up
with my brother,
so I call bullshit.
I cannot believe you two.
All this time has passed,
Honor is dead,
and you still can't let it go!
This is the reason
our friendship broke up,
not because of something
your parents did.
You can't even admit you're
the mystery mascot stripper.
Don't pretend
you have anything figured out.
I can't get suspended.
After that party, my parents...
Oh, forget it. I don't
even want you on my side.
Oh, my God.
I hate you both.
You know what? Fuck the list!
What?
Oh, my God.
Isabella, you don't mean that!
You've been running
- Running all your life
- No longer.
Put 'em down. Put 'em down.
You were supposed to be pillars
at our school.
Very disappointed.
You've been running
(CELLPHONE BUZZING)
Until tonight
I know you're hurting
I know you're hurting
Dad, I made you a sandwich.
- I can see the whole world
- Oh.
I'm not hungry, Piper.
I can see the stars
Falling down like rain
I can see a truth in you
When you move
I can see
the whole world moving
I can see a truth in you
When you move
You've been running
Running all your life
(R & B PLAYING)
To the bride and groom.
(CAMERA CLICKS)
You're my
Sugar daddy
You're my
Sugar daddy
- My sweet
- Sugar daddy
Sugar daddy
Sugar daddy
You played the part,
and you won my heart
You sweet sugar daddy
Sugar daddy
Sugar daddy
Sugar daddy
Sugar daddy
- You're my
- Sugar daddy
Sugar daddy
I think about you
in the morning
I think
about you in the morning
Sugar daddy
And in the evening
- And in the evening
- Sugar daddy
It might sound strange
I'd rather fight than change
You sweet sugar daddy
If I ever thought
I was losing your love,
I would die
- If you ever
- Sugar daddy
- Trade me, baby, never
- Sugar daddy
- Oh, my God.
- You played the part
- And you won my heart
- Oh, my God!
- What the...
- What are you doing?
What are you...
I am gonna kill you.
What are you...
What is wrong with you?
What is wrong with you?
Hey! Piper,
what is wrong with you?
You! You are
what's wrong with me!
What you did to dad.
- What you did to me.
- No.
- You've ruined everything!
- Oh, Piper, please!
- Oh, stop!
- Uh-huh.
Oh, you know you're gonna
get sick of BMyBae2night
and go on to someone else
who makes it seem
like everything is possible.
But guess what?
It's not gonna matter,
'cause the problem is you!
Don't you...
- (SOBBING)
- I'm sorry.
Why?
Why did you do it?
I... I hate you.
I really do.
Piper...
You... You were
supposed to be my mom.
Piper, I'm sorry.
I am sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm... I'm... Piper.
(DOOR SLAMS)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
MR. MORLEY: Piper...
can I come in?
It's just me, Dad.
They got another room.
They wanted to call security,
but I said
I'd come and talk to you.
I'm really sorry.
I really messed up.
Well, you've always
been precocious.
You get that from your mom.
I knew about Isabella's dad.
What?
Wh-What do you mean?
I, uh...
I was letting it go on.
Why?
I... I don't... I don't understand.
I was scared,
but I loved your mom very much,
and I, uh, you know,
I just couldn't
get my shit together.
And I feel like
I gotta tell you that,
because, you know,
I see that you blame
everything on your mom.
I mean, look,
it doesn't mean
I want you to pee
all over my bed.
(LAUGHS) Felt really good.
My God, I bet it did.
Dad, I think I have a...
I think I have
a problem with drinking.
I hate myself for it.
Let's go home.
Come on.
Let's get cleaned up.
Both of us.
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
Oh, my Lord. I can't believe
Haley thought it was
a good idea to wear that.
Ohh. Ah, and look at her hair.
(SIGHS) What a shame.
- Sophie, look.
- Look.
(LAUGHS)
Who wrote that?
Troy.
He said they did it after she
stripped at the basketball game.
Really?
Yeah.
(WHISTLE)
(CELLPHONES CHIMING)
(GASPS)
Sophie.
Why would you do that?
(MAN VOCALIZING)
You didn't
have to out yourself.
It wasn't fair to Isabella,
Piper, you...
and Honor.
I bet Honor would have loved
you sticking it
to the Morrisettes.
That's who
I made the pact with.
Oh.
The last time...(SIGHS)
I spoke to her,
we had a huge fight.
She broke our pact.
(SIGHS)
That's why
we weren't friends anymore.
Now she's dead,
and the last thing I said to her
was, "You're such a slut."
And I just wish
I could tell her I'm sorry.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
- Hey.
- Hey.
Try your gown on yet?
No. Not yet.
Thanks for telling everyone
you were the mystery stripper.
(LAUGHS) Wish I could wear
the mascot head
for graduation tomorrow.
(DOOR OPENS)
Hey.
Why are we here?
We only have one more.
I don't care about the list.
Yes, you do.
Okay, maybe not about me,
but you care about Honor.
No.
Sorry, not sorry.
Just no.
(DOOR CLOSES)
I'll come with you.
Thanks.
(MUSIC PLAYING OVER HEADPHONES)
(CAR STEREO BLARING MUSIC)
We've got all the time
in the world
We've got
all the time in the world
We've got all the time...
What are you doing?
You wouldn't
call me back, so...
Also I wanted to pick up
mom's leftovers.
Asshole.
I know. I am.
I'm really sorry.
Hey! Hey, sport.
Wanna turn it down?
Just a second, okay?
I'm trying to apologize
to my sister.
- It's almost 2 A.M.
- Yeah, I know.
I've slept with her best friend
and been a crap brother.
She's had to deal
with everything alone.
Yeah, and I have to get up
in a couple of hours.
Cry me a river.
- Is that a song request?
- No!
I'm almost done.
The last thing I wanna tell her
is that when she
goes to college,
I'm gonna take care of mom,
and I'm gonna keep an eye
on dad, and I'm gonna be here,
and she shouldn't
let family shit
get in the way of friendship.
Oh, for God's sakes.
(DOOR SLAMS)
I've screwed up,
- and I hope she forgives me.
- It's okay
- It's okay
- It's okay
It's okay
- It's okay
- It's okay
Oh oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
Don't hold back, here we go
We've got all the time,
we will carry each other
Oh oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
I will never let you go
I'm right here for you
more than you will ever know
(LAUGHS)
Oh oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
- I will never let you go
- Ready?
I'm right here for you
more than you will ever know
Ready.
What'd I miss?
Just the dancing part.
You guys can't dance for shit.
(LAUGHS)
I missed you so much.
Come here.
Now it's Honor's turn.
Yeah.
Wow.
A grown-ass person
reduced to this tiny,
little Tupperware container.
Uh, no. No.
I think it's probably
just her foot or something.
I don't know.
Her mom stole some of the ashes
from the urn for us.
(SIGHS)
"No one can sum up
the life of a person
"with a collection
of poetic words
"as easily as a coffin or urn
can contain
the last earthly remains
of someone's existence."
"Does the perfectly chosen word
"prove how much
someone was loved?
"Maybe.
"But Honor, I knew without words
or poetry or song
"how much I loved you
by the gaping hole
that's been torn from my heart."
"We love you."
"Sorry we weren't there for you
at the end,
but we're here for you now."
Bye, Honor.
We will...
- (SNEEZES)
- (GASPING)
Oh, shit! Oh, God.
That did not just happen.
- Oh, shit. I'm sorry!
- Piper, what did you do?
(GASPING)
Oh, sorry, Honor.
Okay, let's try this again.
Bye, Honor.
Keep on dancing.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(LAUGHING)
Hi, guys.
I know we haven't talked
in forever.
But I think about you guys
all the time.
I want to tell you everything,
but I'm scared.
I have this heart condition.
There. I said it.
My life is now
just a game of chance.
I'm scared about dying,
scared about not being
the perfect one,
the strong one,
so instead I'm making
this cheesy video.
And by the way, this is,
like, the third or fourth take.
What I wanna say is be fierce,
make mistakes, fall in love.
Do it now, today.
You know, life is too short
to hate and hold grudges
against the people you love,
because they're the ones
you think about
when you're counting down
the years, months, weeks,
days you have left.
I don't know if my next dance
is going to be my last...
but I'd hate myself if I
didn't get to tell you this.
Live your life to the fullest,
the way we did
when we were always together.
Can you promise me that?
(LAUGHS)
Come on. Like you need
a guilt trip from the dead girl.
I mean, that's, like, if I die.
Go on. Make another list.
Do the list.
Love each other. Love life.
(ALL SCREAM)
Who knows? Maybe I'll be
doing the list with you
and this is just me
talking to me.
(CHUCKLES)
I miss you, Sophie.
I miss you, Piper.
I miss you, Isabella.
I wanna hang out again soon.
- (MUSIC PLAYING)
- (VOCALIZING)
Stranger than fiction
Still, it is true
I've got a vision
If it's cool with you
I'm a modern woman
In the modern world
Living is dangerous
When you are a girl
All hail
All hail
All hail
All hail
You learn by imitation
You've got so much to learn
We've got it now
You must wait your turn
Call it intuition
Call it what you like
We've got it now
Let's make it right
All hail
All hail
All hail
All hail
(VOCALIZING)
All hail
All hail
All hail
All hail
(NEW SONG PLAYING)
There's nothing
I wouldn't do for you
That you wouldn't do for me
There's nothing
I wouldn't say for you
That you wouldn't say for me
There's no one I'd allow
to keep you far away from me
There's nothing
I wouldn't give for you
That you
wouldn't give for me
So for how many years
have we wanted to say
That we've said it all,
there's nothing left to say?
And for how many years
have we wanted to live?
Now we've lived it all,
and everything's okay
- Yeah, it's okay
- It's okay
- It's okay
- It's okay
- It's okay
- It's okay
- It's okay
- It's okay
Oh oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
Don't hold back, here we go
We've got all the time,
we will carry each other
Oh oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
I will never let you go
I'm right here for you
more than you will ever know
We've got all the time
in the world
We've got
all the time in the world
We've got all the time
in the world
We've got
all the time in the world
So for how many years
have we wanted to say
That we've said it all,
there's nothing left to say?
And for how many years
have we wanted to live?
Now we've lived it all,
and everything's okay
- Yeah, it's okay
- It's okay
- It's okay
- It's okay
- It's okay
- It's okay
- It's okay
- It's okay
Oh oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
Don't hold back, here we go
We've got all the time,
we will carry each other
Oh oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
I will never let you go
I'm right here for you
more than you will ever know
We've got all the time
in the world
We've got
all the time in the world
We've got all the time
in the world
We've got
all the time in the world
Oh oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
I will never let you go
I'm right here for you
more than you will ever know
GIRL: Piper, let Honor drive.
Turn off here. Turn here!
Stop talking!
I can't concentrate.
Oh, my God! We're gonna die!
We're not gonna... We're only
going 10 miles an hour. Relax.
Relax? We'll all be dead,
so it won't even matter.
- Stop screaming!
- Just pull over.
- (CAR HORN HONKS)
- Piper, just pull over.
Pi-Piper!
(RADIO PLAYING MUSIC)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Well, that was a total fail.
We missed the sunset.
Isabella,
this is all your fault.
What? Me?
We could have died.
How are we getting home?
We are not driving
down that hill.
- Hitchhike?
- BOTH: Hitchhike?!
Do you want us to end up
dead on the side of the road,
cut into pieces?
Because that's
what happens to hitchers.
Oh, relax.
It's L.A. County, not Tijuana.
I'd pay money to see your face
on the back of a milk carton.
"Missing... Sophie Stephens."
- I'll do something to your...
- Oh, just try.
I knew we should
have stayed at home
- (TURNS UP MUSIC)
- and watched "Vampire Diaries."
Vampires are so boring.
Oh, please. I remember
when you were Team Edward,
and don't even,
because I have the photos.
You told me that you were only
gonna use that
for your scrapbook.
We've got all
the time in the world
We've got all the time
in the world
So for how many years
have we wanted to say
That we've said it all,
there's nothing left to say?
And for how many years
have we wanted to live?
Now we've lived it all,
and everything's okay
- Yeah, it's okay
- It's okay
- It's okay
- It's okay
- It's okay
- It's okay
- It's okay
- It's okay
Oh oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
Don't hold back, here we go
We've got all the time,
we will carry each other
Oh oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
I will never let you go
I'm right here for you
more than you will ever know
(MUSIC FADES)
(FLY BUZZING)
(CLATTERING)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
MAN ON TV: Back about 200,
maybe 350 years ago,
this entire ridge
was covered with water.
You see that slow,
gradual slope there.
As it comes around, there's...
(MUSIC PLAYING)
- (WATER RUNNING)
- You
And I don't know
why I'm not listening
You're whispering
Confused
And now it's been too long
And you're far from gone
You're far from gone
So why do you
keep wandering
Inside my lonely head?
And why do I keep suffering
When all my friends
said life goes on?
Why do you keep wandering
inside my lonely bed?
And why do I
keep surrendering
When all my friends
said I'll move on?
I don't know why,
don't know why
Maybe I, maybe I made a lie
'Cause I don't
wanna die alone
No, I don't wanna die alone
I don't know why,
don't know why
Maybe I,
maybe I made a lie...
What's the scoop this issue?
Carcinogens in tampons?
Eww.
Did I say
that you could come in?
We're having breakfast.
Want some?
Eat with those two?
No, thanks.
Mom and Dad
seem like they're getting along.
Like the United States
and China?
Isabella...
it's gonna be okay.
You live 10 miles away
at college,
and you're never here,
so what do you know?
I was talking about today.
It can seem so cruel
when someone as talented,
beautiful, and smart as Honor
is taken from us.
Man, she had it all.
She was looking forward
to her scholarship
at the Royal Ballet School
in London next year.
But Honor knew the future
was not guaranteed.
Because of her heart condition,
Honor lived every day
to the fullest.
So today, join me in remembering
the wonderful young woman
that was Honor Liang.
Let us pray.
Lord, we pray
for those who mourn,
parents and children,
friends and neighbors.
Have you seen Piper?
- Be gentle with them...
- No.
in their grief.
Spare them the torment
of guilt and despair.
(MUFFLED)
Be with them...
...of our risen Savior,
Jesus Christ, our Lord.
Amen.
(SOFT OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
What if Honor died a virgin?
You know,
I never thought about that.
You think she was?
I don't know.
Thanks.
You were in my history class
first year.
Sophie, right?
I'm... I'm Aaron.
You invented
the Worth the Wait app, right?
Mm-hmm.
So, what, does it, like,
send you a warning message
or something
before you, you know,
send a sexy message?
(SIGHS) That's correct. Yeah.
Cool.
Cool.
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
Honor's favorite things,
they'll be burned with her.
Piper?
Hi, Mrs. Walker, Mr. Walker.
Piper. It's nice to see you,
despite the circumstances.
Excuse me.
Sorry they're
still so weird around you.
It's okay.
How are you otherwise?
You... You look really good.
(CHUCKLES)
Thanks, but I'm
just gonna ignore the fact
that you're flirting with me
at Honor's wake.
And, uh, I won't mention
what's in your cup.
Oh, no.
It's not what you think.
Um, I'm gonna go talk
to Mrs. Liang.
Mrs. Liang.
Mrs. Liang.
So...
So?
How was the funeral?
What do you think?
It was a blast.
The eulogy from Honor's dad
was very moving.
It was great to see
so many people turn out.
Everything was really nice.
Can't wait
to have a nice funeral.
Well, you're about
as depressing as one.
At least I was there.
Where were you?
Couldn't find
the right Jimmy Choos?
Funerals aren't
cool enough for you?
Stop.
What is wrong with you guys?
Our best friend died,
our best friend back
when we were all best friends!
Mmm.
It'll be like
we're having one with her.
You know,
these are Honor's cigarettes.
I found them under her bed.
They're not stale,
so I think she was smoking them
up until she, um...
she died.
Did you know she was smoking?
Oh, I... I did not tell her dad.
(COUGHS)
Now I wish I'd let her do
everything she wanted to do.
You know,
there are so many rules.
Ballet's no joke with the...
the discipline
and the dieting and...
I, um, I went through
all that, but I quit.
You know,
I didn't want Honor to, um...
But now...
Now it doesn't matter, so...
So...
I'm gonna let her do
what she wants to do
with this one last thing.
She left last wishes
for everyone she loved.
She left ones for you.
You all made
a... a list together, right,
a bucket list or something?
Yeah. That's right.
Yeah. Well, Honor wants you
to do all those things
on that list,
uh, before graduation,
just like you planned.
Piper. Hey!
Don't ever speak for me.
Who do you think you are?
You should have asked, Piper.
I can't do the list.
I can't drop everything.
Okay, you two just shut up.
We're not actually doing
the list.
You just said that we...
You saw
how upset Mrs. Liang was.
So you lied?
Wow.
She'll never know.
HONOR: Piper,
stop making that face.
What face?
That's my real face.
It should be its own emoji.
No!
You're gonna get water
up my nose.
Oh! Eww! Eww!
Go away, Dillon. Go away.
Okay, guys, come on. Hurry up.
- Get out of the shot.
- One, two...
Dillon, move.
- Get over here, Tchaikovsky.
- Come in. Come on.
- I'll take it.
- Come on, Honor.
We're such a perfect
ethnically layered sandwich
right now.
Yeah,
like a tampon commercial.
Oh, I love you guys.
Okay, say, "Monkey butt."
Monkey butt!
(LAUGHING)
You ready?
- Ready?
- Yeah.
(ALL SCREAM)
Tie it tight.
- I'm gonna count to 30.
- Okay.
And if you don't come up,
I am pulling that rope.
- Ready?
- Okay.
Here I go. (INHALES)
1, 2, 3,
4, 5, 6,
7, 8, 9,
10, 11, 12...
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
Can't believe she's gone.
Why?
What do you mean, "Why?"
You weren't friends.
Yeah, but she was cool.
So are we still on
for spray tans after school?
Hell, yeah. I am as white
as a polar bear's butt crack.
(LAUGHS)
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
On behalf of the Morrisettes,
Krissy and I are organizing
a charity basketball fundraiser
for the Heart Rescue Project
in Honor's name.
Get your tickets.
Honor's midnight vigil
should have a sense
of integrity, class,
definitely a U2 cover.
Hey, Piper, um,
I know you weren't
really friends with Honor,
but I just made
a Remember Honor page.
Since you're Class President,
could you, you know,
like, share,
let people know about it?
Make the background color
pink.
Pink was her favorite color.
For Honor's locker,
out of respect
for her Japanese heritage.
I think we should find
the time capsule
and do the list.
There's no we, Piper.
If we were such good friends,
why didn't she tell us
that she was sick?
- (P.A. CHIMES)
- Good morning, students.
Principal Logan would like to
start the day with a few words.
We're going to take
a schoolwide moment of silence
in remembrance of Honor Liang.
And while we take a moment
to reflect on Honor
and what she meant
to the school,
we're going to play
her favorite song to dance to,
Bach's Third Orchestral Suite.
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
She would have danced
to the Weeknd over Bach any day.
She hated pink.
Her favorite color was purple.
Have you seen her locker?
Yeah. It looks
like a fairy threw up.
Don't get me started.
And what's with
all that origami shit?
She wasn't even Japanese.
Her family's from Taiwan.
Yesterday Honor's mom said
we knew her and no one else did.
I mean, it's true. We did.
So I have to do this list,
and if you loved her,
you'll do it with me.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
I told you we should have
gone home first for our suits.
Looks like the rope
is still there.
Bet you I find it first.
What do you wanna bet?
There's a boat right there.
Knowing I beat you
is the only reward I need.
You're on.
(BOTH YELLING)
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Stop kicking water in my face!
(YELLS)
- I found it.
- (GROANS)
Kiss my ass.
Help.
Oh, "Free Mo" from
when I did that PETA march.
(LAUGHS)
Cotton candy?
No, it was an act
of political resistance.
- What?
- Remember when Isabella
grew out her armpit hair
and dyed it pink?
Oh, my God. Eww. Eww. Eww.
- You're so gross.
- Eww.
"Get into the Royal
School of Ballet."
Well, she got in,
just never got to go.
Okay,
let's not get all gloomy.
Just do this,
and get it over with.
I mean, let's do
the list for Honor.
I can only read six.
Six is easy, right?
Some... Something "break"?
Outbreak?
Jailbreak?
- Jailbreak Mo.
- That's right.
You used to make us
go to pet stores
and unleash all the parakeets.
Oh, yeah.
Wait. So are you
still vegetarian?
Yeah.
Impressive, vegetarian virgin.
We pledge thee our loyalty
Go, Mo, go, Mo
Why is our mascot a goat?
I mean, shouldn't it be, like,
a dolphin or a narwhal?
I mean, we're the Mariners,
not the Capricorns.
Okay, Mo is, like,
under high security.
Coach Johnson
is obsessed with him.
Oh, yeah. He keeps Mo
locked up, doesn't he?
- Mm-hmm.
- So we just need keys.
Who do we know?
You're the popular one.
Oh, no, God.
Only people who aren't popular
use the word "popular."
- You outted me.
- (MOCKING)
Okay, well,
we must know somebody.
Uh, who's the guy
that's the mascot?
(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING)
I'm not ready for love
I'm not ready for love
I'm not ready for love
- I'm not ready for love
- (APP WHISTLES)
I'm not ready
to kiss and hug
I'm not ready for love
I'm not ready to sit at home
- And wait for you
- (WHISTLE)
To find the phone,
I'm not ready
- (WHISTLES)
- No, no, baby
I'm not ready for love
- I'm not ready
- I'm not ready for love
- Oh, sugar
- I'm not ready for love
I'm not ready
to fight that fight
I'm not ready
to cry all night
Love is the thing
I'm not ready to face
So you
just gotta go your way
- I'm not ready
- I'm not ready for love
- Agh! Gaah!
- Ah, baby
- I'm not ready for love
- (GROANS)
Ready, ah, no, no, not ready
I hope you don't get
in trouble for this, Aaron.
I've been the mascot
for two years,
and I've never seen Mo
in his natural element.
He deserves a night of freedom.
- (CHUCKLES)
- It's almost 10:00.
Where's Piper?
BOY: Later, babe.
(CAR DRIVES AWAY)
Oh, my God.
(SNICKERS)
(LAUGHS) Where's the goat?
Of course
you had to show up wasted.
I am not wasted.
You're wasted.
(DOOR CREAKS)
(SNIFFING)
- Ugh.
- Eww.
AARON: Yeah,
you get used to that.
- What is it?
- Urine.
Oh, speaking of,
I have to cop a squat.
Bucks pee on their entire faces,
like their whole beard
and chest area.
Kinky.
You would take it there.
It's actually very natural.
That's right. The, uh, does
find it irresistible.
(URINATING)
Mo looks pretty content.
- You sure he wants to be free?
- (BLEATING)
You try living in captivity
for your entire life.
Of course he does.
All right, Mo.
Door's open. Be free.
Come on, Mo.
We're trying to set you free.
It's time to roam wild.
Come here, Mo. I have some
yummy grass for you can eat.
I think that's fertilized.
No, no, he'll die.
He can't eat that.
No, no,
goats can eat anything.
I saw one eat
a whole tin can once.
- That's a cartoon, Piper.
- I think I know the one.
Okay, but let me
just go grab him.
How about you let someone
who can stand upright do this?
- Come on, Mo.
- You can do it.
Free Mo,
and end animal mascot cruelty!
After years of severe trauma
by the noise, crowds,
chaos of games,
and not to mention
being forced to ride on a boat,
Mo is free.
- (BLEATING)
- (LAUGHS)
Free Mo!
- (LAUGHTER)
- It's not funny, you guys.
- This is so lame.
- Oh. Yeah.
(BALLAD PLAYING)
Do you like this song
or something a bit more upbeat?
Does the top go up?
No. It's broken.
I just keep praying
it doesn't rain. (LAUGHS)
H-How about this song?
- (ROCK-'N'-ROLL PLAYING)
- Uh, yeah, sure.
Can you turn it down a little?
(LOWERS VOLUME)
What's wrong?
Don't you wanna be seen with me?
No, yeah, it...
it's just that...
you know, I-I'm a girl,
and you're a guy,
and it's late, and I just...
I just don't want
anyone to think we're...
Right.
You have an image to keep up.
So when did you decide you
wanted to wait till marriage?
Freshman year,
when I started Worth the Wait.
- Why?
- I made a pact with someone.
Oh, like, with a guy?
No, not like that.
Just a friend.
I have an idea.
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
I
- (WHOOPING)
- Don't wanna be too cool
This is so much fun!
(LAUGHS)
I don't wanna be...
(MUSIC AND ENGINE STOP)
Um, actually I...
I want to tell you something.
Could you put this back on?
I... I just feel like
I might actually tell you
if I pretend I'm talking to Mo.
You talk to Mo?
Sometimes.
Do you think
that's confusing for him,
because I'm like
his alter ego or...
Anyway, uh...
here it goes.
I'm a virgin, too.
Not by choice, exactly, but,
yeah, I've never done it, so...
maybe we're not
so different from each other?
Can I see your ring?
Yeah.
Pretty.
Thank you.
(STEREO PLAYING MUSIC)
(HONOR CHUCKLES)
(GASPS)
O.M.G. Eww!
Is that what they look like?
Wait. What? Wait.
You've never seen one before?
- No.
- (SQUEALS)
It's so angry-looking.
Ugh. I know. (SQUEALS)
- (CELLPHONE CHIMES)
- Wait.
He wants me to send him nudes.
One in a million
Yeah, I'm one in a million
- (LAUGHS)
- I burned a bridge
And I got out of town
Whispered winds pulled me in
- Now I'm not coming down...
- (LAUGHS)
Wait. What did you just do?
Oh, I'm just kidding.
I sent him
a picture of my granddad
when he went to the beach
and lost his Speedos.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Oh, my God. Eww.
Don't make me feel like
I've never known life
I'm one in a million
Yeah, I'm one in a million
Baby, you feel like
I've never known life...
You know,
when I was dating Antony,
he pressured me all the time.
He told me that if
I wanted to kiss and hug,
we'd have to do it first.
I-Is that why
you broke up with him?
(SIGHS)
(GROANS)
It's so stupid.
Like, why does it
always have to be about sex?
I know.
Why don't we make a pact
to stay virgins?
Really?
Yeah.
It's us versus the whole school.
Let's wait to have sex
until we're married.
Or at least engaged.
(BOTH LAUGH)
PIPER: Do you see
any chicks up here?
Yeah, there's no way
we can do this.
That's sexist.
Yeah, totally sexist,
but true.
I've researched
competitive eating.
If we stand up, it'll give us
more room for food.
If we dunk each slice
into water,
it'll lubricate the pizza
going down our throats.
Ugh. Yeah, no, I'm pretty sure
I'm allergic to garlic.
I'm lactose intolerant,
but I'm still doing this.
Yeah, I'm just not sure.
What, you're too afraid
to desecrate
your perfect online image?
No, I don't care about that.
Sure.
Think of Honor.
Her whole life was grapefruits
and hard-boiled eggs.
(SONG IN ITALIAN PLAYING)
(SCOFFS)
Uh, we're here for the Big
Mama & Papa's Pizza challenge.
Perfecto.
First we need you
to challenge another group.
We choose them.
Seriously?
- (SIGHS)
- Boom.
Boom.
- Pow.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, I don't know.
- Think is gonna be okay.
Bathroom is back there. Okay.
You have one hour
to finish these pizzas.
Let's make history, girls.
I mean, I'm on my period,
so I've got this.
Pronte, attente, via.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Let's go, let's go
It'll all,
it'll be all right
Let's go, let's go
So much fun,
I can dance all night
'Cause we're rocking,
and we're rolling
Going to the party tonight
Yeah, we're rocking,
now we're rolling
Going to the party tonight
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
- Let's go, let's go...
- (LAUGHING)
What?
It looks like someone
threw up on your face.
Okay, have you seen your face?
Or Sophie's?
(LAUGHTER)
No, no, no, no, no.
Can't laugh. It hurts.
You have one minute left.
Look, we're not gonna finish.
We just have to beat them,
wipe their saucy smiles
off their CrossFit faces.
(GAGS)
I can't. No more.
I give in.
No, you can't give in.
Would you let
those Worth the Wait girls
star in "Girls Gone Wild"?
Mm-mm.
Then show me your willpower!
- Oh, God.
- (GROANING)
'Cause we're rockin'
Now we're rollin'
Going to the party tonight
Yeah, we're rocking...
Good job. Proud of you.
Going to the party tonight
- Yeah, we're rocking
- Rocking
- Now we're rolling
- Rolling...
- Time's up.
- (GROANS)
Yeah, we're rocking,
now we're rolling...
(CHEERING)
Ugh.
We tell no one about this.
Sophie, do you have antacids?
Yeah. They're in my purse.
Oh, no. Block your ears again.
- La, la la la la!
- (PLOPPING)
La, la la! (GROANS)
(LAUGHS)
(SPRAYING)
Okay,
I'm gonna cross this off.
Next one on the list is...
perform at an open mic night.
Piper, this has your name
written all over it.
What do you mean?
It's from that time
that you choked
before the variety show
in eighth grade.
(LAUGHS) That's right.
It was so embarrassing.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Hey, you cannot talk
about embarrassing.
We can literally hear you
shitting molten lava.
I hate myself.
(CELLPHONE BUZZES)
(CHIME RINGS)
You're leaving?
Yeah.
O-Okay.
Bye, Sophie.
Okay, bye.
There's really
not a... a good way to say this
or a good time.
Your dad is moving out.
We were gonna wait until after
graduation to tell you, but...
Your mom can't live with me
for one more second.
You're the one who said
our marriage was dead.
Suppose this
was a long time coming.
So you're
just gonna leave, too?
Got an early-morning lecture.
You seen my jacket?
It's in the back room.
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
"There's something
both frightening
"and yet so very comforting
about darkness.
"It's in the way it hugs
every curve of your body,
"how it forgives
those mountains and plateaus
"that daylight does not.
"In the darkness, you can hide.
"You can hide
from pretty much anything,
so you turn off the lights."
I don't even know
if it's poetry,
just random thoughts,
brain excrement.
No one's ever read it.
I feel like I'm in the dark,
like I'm hiding.
You do? From what?
I keep listening
to "Appassionata."
Beethoven wrote it
when he was losing his hearing
and no one knew.
He hid it from everyone.
He was in the dark.
Can I tell you something?
Yeah. What's up?
You should keep writing.
Your brain excrement
is good shit.
(BOTH LAUGH)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Let go
We're climbing up
a step higher
Let go
We're reaching out
to touch gold...
No, no, no, no, no,
I am an average white guy.
But I'm expected
to somehow be doing awesome,
succeeding, and kicking ass,
despite being average.
Because I'm white?
Let me ask you something.
If being white was all
it was cracked up to be,
I should be hosting
my own show on cable TV, right?
Well, then why am I stuck
emceeing this open mic?
'Cause you suck.
- (LAUGHTER)
- Loser.
Yeah, my... my mom showed up,
everyone. Heh.
O-Oh, my God.
Guys. Hi.
Uh, w-what are you doing here?
We could ask you
the same question.
We're here for the gig later.
Oh.
Thought you were
helping your dad?
Uh, yeah. Yeah, I was.
I just... I just saw there...
We're here for open mic night.
(SNICKERS)
Why is that, J-Lo?
Because Honor wanted us to.
(MOCKING) "Because Honor
wanted us to do it."
Don't embarrass yourself,
Leah.
It'll ruin your spray tan.
Oh, you think you're so funny,
but just remember.
We have videotape
that might just embarrass you.
Come on, Piper.
Troy has some friends
stopping by later.
- Come on.
- Yeah.
(LAUGHS)
My name is Sophie Stephens,
and I'm a virgin.
Frigid.
(LAUGHTER)
I created an app
called Worth the Wait
to help you control those urges.
How do you control
your urges, Sophie?
Best friends AA batteries?
- (LAUGHTER)
- It's... It's fine.
I'm... I'm not ashamed.
I masturbate consciously.
- Yeah!
- (LAUGHTER)
And when I have
really overpowering urges,
I go for a run or a spin class.
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
This is called
"Gentle Mutilation
on the Natural State of my Body
in the Name of Being
Socially Acceptable."
Can't believe you were
ever friends with her.
Thank you.
(RAZOR CLATTERS)
(APPLAUSE)
If you'd like to sign up,
and I know all of you do...
You were really good up there.
Whatever.
Thanks, gorgeous.
Hey, guys.
Hey.
What are you doing here?
Nikki Yanofsky's
coming on at 10:00.
So you've got time
to come see a gig,
but you're too busy
to help us pack?
I had finals this week, Issy.
Pack for what?
All right,
ladies and gentlemen,
next up, can we have
Piper Morley to the stage?
Piper Mor... Piper Morley.
You're going on?
- No.
- Yes.
Cool. I'll grab a seat.
Break a nail.
Thank you.
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
(SCATTERED WHISPERING)
(AUDIENCE MEMBER
CLEARS THROAT)
Hey, Barbie, say something.
Yeah. Um...
uh, roses are red,
beer is great,
poems are hard,
beer.
(MAN CHUCKLES)
Uh, that's a...
that was a T-shirt
I woke up in the other morning.
- Um...
- (CHUCKLES)
Okay. Uh,
speaking of beer, um, what...
what do a bottle of Corona and...
and a blonde have in common?
No? Uh...
both are empty from the neck up.
(COUGHS)
Just gonna... Okay.
Um...
uh...
oh, God.
So I'm an only child...
and I've got divorced parents.
Who else here
has divorced parents?
I decided to live with my dad.
Why? 'Cause at first,
it was like living
with a cool older brother,
'cause he left
the toilet seat up,
and I didn't have a curfew.
Plus my mom, she sucks.
(LAUGHS)
But she does make the best
banana bacon pancakes ever,
so that's why I
still let her come around.
She cheated on my dad
for years, and...
uh, now she's with
this guy called BMyBae2night,
which I'm pretty sure is,
like, the worst possible name
you could have on OkCupid,
except for NotAnInternetKiller.
(LAUGHTER)
This is also around the time
that I started
making bad decisions.
Now, what kind of bad decisions,
you may ask?
Here.
Actually, let's play a game.
So you guys name a location,
and I will say a bad decision
I made in connection to it.
Uh, you in the second row,
red sweater next to the guy
who's hoping to sleep with you
by the end of the night.
That's my brother.
- (LAUGHTER)
- Oh.
Oh, my bad.
How about Starbucks?
Caused a small,
but contained fire.
(LAUGHTER)
405 Freeway.
My car was towed
while I was still in it,
and I didn't have pants on.
(LAUGHTER)
Malibu Beach?
Threw up on a French bulldog
and his owner.
Um, I still get
the occasional text from him.
The dog, not the owner.
(LAUGHTER)
My name's Piper.
When I grow up,
I would like to be
a boozed-up writer like my dad
or Elizabeth Bishop,
just without the unrequited love
and torture part.
- Amen.
- Whoo-hoo.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
(BAND PLAYING)
You must be blowin' smoke
(NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE)
You must be blowin' smoke
High on your supply
Believe in love
Holes in
Sugar, sugar coating
You must be blowin' smoke
Hopeless
Got to get going now
You must be blowin' smoke
(GRUNTS)
Holes in
Sugar coatin'
Ooh hoo
I know you
must be blowin' smoke
You must be blowin' smoke
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
Throw a kick-ass
senior year party.
Well, that's your department,
Piper.
What?
Isn't that what you,
Leah, and Krissy
do for a living,
professional partiers?
That's not all we do together.
Okay, sure. Maybe it is,
but the idea is you party with
people you wanna hang out with,
you know, not like...
Okay, like it's so great
for my image?
I have to tell people
that I'm doing research
on women who have been having
meaningless sex for years
and how that affects
their brain.
Well, maybe
if you actually had sex,
you wouldn't be
such a psycho with PMS.
Okay, so how are we
actually gonna do this,
'cause I can't have
the party at my place,
so obviously it has to be
at Isabella's.
What? That's impossible.
My parents
are doing renovations.
Really?
So it's at Sophie's.
What? No. Mm-mm. No way.
Don't your parents
go away, like, every weekend?
Yes, but that's
besides the point.
No, I mean, Sophie,
it's perfect.
I mean, your house is huge.
You've got a pool
and the fire pit in the back.
It's like
a perfect make-out spot.
- No, we can't...
- No, no, thanks, Sophie.
I'll help clean up.
Uh, will you arrange the drinks?
- I already did the invite.
- What?
Later.
- (LAUGHS)
- Piper!
(SIGHS)
Okay, bacon
banana cream pie pancakes.
Yum. Coming up. I'm almost done.
You okay?
Why didn't you go
to Honor's funeral?
I was waiting for you.
You didn't have to go.
Yes, I... I wanted to go.
Of course I was gonna go.
I mean, Honor's your friend.
Was.
Is everything okay over here?
You all right?
Yeah. Um, it's good.
Everything's good.
Oh, did I tell you,
uh, Dad's dating again?
No.
Yeah, he met
some... some great woman.
She's a lawyer,
urban renewal,
works pro bono.
She's a redhead,
and she drives a Porsche.
Wow, really? That's...
Okay. Good.
Yeah, he's really happy.
Okay, I think I found the only
clean plate in the entire house.
Thanks, Mom.
(CLEARS THROAT)
(SIGHS)
Really good. (LAUGHS)
Okay, good. Good.
Hey, I'm moving in with Colin.
BMyBae2night? That guy?
That was a joke.
That was a joke.
His friends h-helped him
set up the profile.
I told you that. It doesn't...
Actually, I would just like it
if you would call him Colin,
all right?
You getting married?
I don't... Maybe, I guess.
Possibly.
Yeah, we are.
Piper, we've got to move on.
Right? I mean,
your dad's moving on.
He's dating.
And are you dealing
with all of this...
or are you just...
are you just keeping it inside
the whole time,
or what are you doing?
Actually, you know,
your dad was telling me
you've been hanging out
with Isabella.
I know you two
have been through a lot, and...
but she's always
been a really good...
Dad's not dating!
He sleeps on the sofa
and looks like the Dude
from "The Big Lebowski,"
so everything is not okay.
Oh.
Sorry.
Piper. Uh...
Oh.
(SCOFFS)
A Porsche and a redhead?
Oh, that's, yeah, a dream.
Dream.
(SIGHS)
(CHUCKLES)
I decorated this whole room
around his terrible
brown recliner.
Now look at it.
Heh.
It's what you wanted,
wasn't it?
Yes...
but it still hurts.
Just promise me
you won't leave me, too.
(PHONE LINE RINGS)
You've reached Dillon.
You know the drill.
Beep!
(BEEP)
Thanks for ignoring my call...
jerk.
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
Because of you, I
No matter what I do, oh
- Dance, dance
- Because of you, I
- I wish I never...
- (CAMERA CLICKING)
It's almost 9:00.
Where is everyone?
Ever heard
of being fashionably late?
Or you're just not as popular
as you thought.
Oh, what did I tell you
about using the word "popular"?
Dance, dance
- Because of you
- Dance, dance
I wish I never knew...
Let's have a drink, right?
- Here we go.
- This is gonna be fun.
Isabella.
Shouldn't we wait
till everyone gets here?
We could, or you know
what's more fun
than waiting for everyone?
Not waiting for everyone.
'Cause we, us three,
are so fun,
are so fun,
with parties and stuff.
Like, you know, like, it's a...
Cheers of us three, right?
Come on. Let's cheers it.
The amigos.
Uh-huh. Fun.
Ahh.
Nobody's coming.
What do you mean?
I...
might have...
put the wrong day on the invite.
You did not.
Well, I am...
I am sort of dyslexic, so...
- Or you're just stupid.
- Hey!
Piper, we did all of this
for nothing.
No. No, no, no, no.
Hey, hey, it wasn't for nothing.
Um, we...
We got to use your mom's
super cool punch bowl.
Come on.
Uh, any requests?
Sophie? Sophie? Music?
I know you wanna dance
to Carly Rae Jepsen.
Or... Or we could put on
some vintage Bieber.
Oh, wait!
Oh, it's on.
Supernova, sugar candy
Sugar candy,
cool it off, and cool it off
And pour it on the, pour it
on the supernova, supernova
Sugar candy, sugar candy,
cool it off, and cool it off
And pour it on the, pour it
on the supernova, supernova
- Oh, oh
- (RECORD SCRATCHES)
Come on, yeah, I own it
I want it
I've got it
I want it
I own it
I want it
I got it
Words, waking soft
Waking slow
Fading into focus...
This is the best.
Every pose
Holding in the moment
Every fall, every rise
Falling on your shoulders
And I'm trying not to try
so hard for you...
(MUSIC FADING)
How do you even walk in those?
They're like knives.
I walk the walk.
Or what, Leah and Krissy
will stage a mutiny
and gouge your eyes out
with a stiletto?
(CHUCKLES) Pretty much.
What do you guys
even do together,
you, Leah, and Krissy?
Nothing, really.
It's more just like
we're, like, seen together.
Your friends
are nasty bitches.
I can't stand them.
Then why do they
call you J-Lo?
J-Lo is cool.
Not J-Lo,
like "Jenny from the Block."
Jell-O, like pudding.
Oh.
Remember when Honor used
to put her jeans in the dryer
before we went out
so they'd be super tight?
(CHUCKLES)
Remember that white pair?
God, the guys would lose
their shit when she wore those.
What happened
between you and Honor?
I mean, Piper and me,
that was obvious,
but you guys...
We drifted apart.
I miss Honor.
(SIGHS)
Hi.
Issy said there was
a party or something,
a kick-ass senior party?
Oh. Oh, yeah.
Uh, it's already over. (LAUGHS)
Also never really started. Um...
Isabella's asleep.
Can I come in?
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
I loved seeing you onstage
the other night.
(LAUGHS)
You were funny.
That was very brave.
Brave? Uh, mm-mm.
See, that's a...
that's a code word for,
"should not have, like,
word-vomited
all of my mental problems."
"Run for the hills.
There's a crazy lady
on the stage."
Hey, stop that.
You know, I've always had
a thing for you.
Really? Hmm.
What type of thing?
You know, like, a thing.
Mm. Like a big thing,
or like a small thing?
I'd like to think
it's a big thing.
I don't think Isabella
would like this.
Actually, I know she wouldn't.
We could play cards.
I would destroy you at bridge.
And I want to
And I want to
And I want to get by
(SNORING)
(COUGHS)
(GASPING)
Oh, my God.
Are you okay?
I think I saw David Bowie
last night.
(DILLON YELPS)
Who was that?
I don't know.
Sounded like it came
from the fire pit.
- (CAR DOOR SLAMS)
- (GASPS)
- (MAN SPEAKING)
- Oh, no, no, no.
You know,
air bags are important.
You don't want...
Oh, no, no, no.
My parents are here.
Uh, what should we do?
- I... I don't know.
- We should hide.
Okay, yeah. Hide.
In the closet.
- In the closet. In the closet.
- No, no, no!
- Behind the couch.
- Okay, okay, behind...
Lewis, there's
been a break-in!
- Sophie! Sophie! Oh, my God!
- What? What?
Please, please tell me
you're okay?
Sophie! Soph! What...
What is... What is this?
- (PHONE BEEPS)
- Hey, Siri,
what's the best way
to get gum out of pubic hair?
(BEEP)
Okay, here's
what I found on the web
for "what's the best way
to get gum out of pubic hair?"
Mayonnaise.
Look at this place.
It's like wild animals
stormed through the house.
I mean, I used to have parties
when I was a kid,
but n-nothing like this.
This is like a... a rager
or something.
This... This utter
and complete carnage.
Yes. Good word.
Mom, we did not have a party.
I promise.
Nobody came over.
No boys. It was just me,
Isabella, and Piper.
You expect us to believe that
you three girls did all of this?
- (SNORTS)
- (LAUGHS)
You know what?
Maybe you will think
being grounded is equally funny.
Yeah, Sophie, I don't know
what's come over you.
You know, you disappoint me.
You, too, Isabella!
Expected more from you.
I did not.
I'm sorry,
Mr. and Mrs. Stephens.
- (SCREAMS)
- (SCREAMS)
What the...
SIRI: Here's what
I found on the web
for "what's the second-best way
to get gum out of pubic hair?"
Ice cubes.
(LAUGHS)
The Morrisettes
are gonna bring it
The Morrisettes
are gonna swing it
The Morrisettes
are gonna fire it up
And the Mariners
are gonna triumph
Yeah, the Mariners
are gonna triumph
Yeah, the Mariners...
(MOCKING) Oh, the Mariners
are gonna triumph
Thanks for helping us clean.
Oh, I had to sneak out a guy.
Was that who was screaming?
Yeah, gum got caught
in his pubes.
- Ow.
- Yeah.
So who's the guy?
Oh, just some... It's a model
I met at Sunset Tower.
So original.
Yeah.
I love that you're
still doing this.
This looks like
your best issue yet.
You read it?
So, number five.
Yeah, I... I can't read it.
This one.
Okay, let me see.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Get back at...
Get... Get back...
I mean, if we can't read it,
we should just skip
to the last one.
No, no, no, no, no.
Rest. Test. Get...
No. Okay, give it to me.
Give it to me. Give it to me.
Lean. Something lean.
Get back and lean?
Gig...
That says, "giggle," though.
Giggle lean.
- Giggle?
- Giggle and lean?
Jiggle.
- Huh?
- What?
Jiggle.
Get back at the Morrisettes
for the jiggle test.
You girls made it
to the final cut
of the Morrisettes.
The Morrisettes have been
an institution since what year?
Um, 2010.
Correct.
A Morrisette
is a model of health,
beauty, athleticism, and what?
Sisterhood.
Yes, sisterhood.
It is the highest honor you
can imagine to be a Morrisette.
Do you have what it takes
to be one of us?
- Yes.
- Yes.
- We can't hear you.
- Yes!
Are you willing
to do what it takes?
- Yes!
- Yes!
Strip down to your bra
and underwear.
Don't worry. We've got this.
(TOGETHER)
Now do the cheer.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Morrisettes are everywhere
Mariners fight
like they don't care
Twerking it, working it,
from the right
Hey, Mariners,
go take up the fight
The Morrisettes
are gonna bring it
Flashlights over here.
The Morrisettes
are gonna swing it
The Morrisettes
are gonna fire it up
And the Mariners
are gonna triumph
The Mariners
are gonna triumph
The Mariners are
gonna triumph
The Mariners
are gonna triumph
(CHEERING FADES)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(MORRISETTES WHISPERING)
After careful consideration,
we've come to a decision.
Isabella, you did
not pass the jiggle test.
We can't offer you a spot
on the Morrisettes.
You're welcome to go on a diet
and try out again next year.
But we do caution you not
to expose our selection methods,
or we will expose
your audition tape as well.
Way to go, Jell-O.
So, what do you think
of my plan?
I mean, they're your people,
subhuman as they are.
They're gonna hate you
for doing this.
Yeah, I don't really care.
It's almost graduation, and I
never have to see them again.
Then I'm in.
Didn't know you had it in you.
Oh, Sophie, can you hack
the lights above the court?
Sophie?
I'm sorry,
but I can't do this.
Why?
Maybe this isn't a big deal
for you guys.
I mean, you guys do these types
of things all the time.
But it is for me.
We said we'd do the list...
for Honor.
I know, but don't guilt me out
about Honor.
This isn't exactly on the list.
If anyone should have
reservations, it's me.
I'm the one
with the jiggly bits.
Oh, shut up. You're hot.
And Sophie, you are, too.
Sophie, you should be proud
of your body.
This isn't about me
being proud of my body.
I'm not doing this,
because I'm not a slut!
Whoa.
Yeah, okay,
tell us how you really feel.
- I'm sorry.
- Don't be.
If this makes me a slut,
then I am the biggest,
sloppiest one of them all.
I didn't mean for it
to come out like that.
You know,
for someone who hasn't had sex,
you certainly
make everything about it.
You're always teasing me
about being a virgin.
Yeah, you judge me
for not being one.
Listen. I don't care
that you haven't had sex.
I think it's awesome
that you're choosing that.
Be you, but I am so sick
of you judging me.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, hey, Sophie.
Yeah.
Sorry for interrupting.
Oh, no, don't worry about it.
I... I--I didn't know you
were so health conscious.
Oh, yeah, no one realizes
how in shape you've gotta be
to be the mascot.
You know,
a lot of running and jumping.
Yeah, that... that's cool
you take it so seriously.
Yeah, well,
games can get intense.
Uh, yeah,
actually that's kind of
what I wanted to ask you about.
Another favor? Yes.
Uh, but you don't even know
what I'm gonna ask you.
Well, the answer's yes,
but only if you'll
go to prom with me.
PLAYER: We got you!
- Go! Go!
- Heads up! Heads up!
Okay, yeah.
Awesome.
You... You didn't tell me
what the favor was.
I'm in.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(SCATTERED CHEERING)
(CHEERING)
Go, Mariners!
(CROWD CHEERING)
(CELLPHONE DINGS)
Hey.
Hey. Uh,
I grabbed your uniform.
Thanks.
(SIGHS)
I am so nervous.
Oh, yeah.
I've peed, like, eight times.
(BOTH LAUGH)
That's a lot, even for you.
(COUGHS)
Piper.
Yeah?
It's not good.
Just in case
we don't live to tell...
this one isn't just for Honor.
It's for you.
(CELLPHONE DINGS)
I think you should be the one
to cross it off the list.
Thanks.
(CELLPHONE DINGS)
Someone really wants
your attention.
Is it Ball Sac on Ice?
(LAUGHS)
Hey.
Never thought
I'd be doing this.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome the Morrisettes
of Morris High!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Five, six, seven, eight.
Morrisettes are everywhere
Mariners fight
like they don't care
Twerking it, working it
from the right
Hey, Mariners,
go take up the fight
The Morrisettes,
they're gonna bring it
- The Morrisettes are...
- (CROWD MURMURING)
(OVER P.A.)
The Morrisettes use blackmail
and body shaming
as audition tactics.
- What?
- We say no more!
What's going on?
(AARON BEAT-BOXING)
Ahh...
Oh, I say, "Hello,"
you say, "Hell, no"
I say, "Hello,"
you say, "Hell, no"
We won't take no more of this,
hell, no
You can't take us anywhere
'Cause we jiggle, jiggle,
jiggle like we just don't care
Wiggling,
jiggling to the right
- (CROWD CHEERING)
- If you wanna swipe left
Better put up a fight
Don't be afraid,
'cause we gorgeous
Don't be ashamed,
'cause we're serious
This is no game,
not faking this
We're gonna make you
look ridiculous
We're gonna
make you look ridiculous
We're gonna make you
look ridiculous
We're gonna
make you look ridiculous
We say, "Hello,"
you say, "Hell, no"
We say, "Hello,"
you say, "Hell, no"
Hello, hell, no,
hello, hell, no
We won't take
no more of this, hell, no!
If you wanna feel the heat,
you gotta bring it
If you wanna see the moves,
you gotta swing it
If you want a real girl,
you gotta try it
'Cause these little bitches
gonna riot
'Cause these
little bitches gonna riot
'Cause these little bitches
gonna riot
'Cause these
little bitches gonna riot!
'Cause these little bitches
gonna riot!
A-B-C-D-G-A-F
A-B-C-D-G-A-F!
(CROWD GASPING, YELLING)
Hey, Leah, go ahead.
Post my video.
(CROWD CHEERING, YELLING)
- (MUSIC PLAYING)
- (LAUGHING)
(SCREAMING)
We did it!
Pants. Put on these pants.
Pants.
(SCREAMS)
Stood, my dear, oh, mother
Oh, Lord, just keep on
Keep on screaming
and a-crying
Oh, Lord, I wonder...
That was epic.
Most amazing thing
I've ever done.
After tonight, Piper Morley,
you'll be a legend.
- Go, go, go, go!
- Oh, Lord
They're in the weather...
(CELLPHONE RINGS)
Hi, Piper.
Where are you?
Uh, it's us again.
We were at the playground.
Now we have to walk Sophie home,
so just call me when you can.
- Bye.
- Hey.
Hey, it's...
it's Isabella, right?
Saw your cheer at halftime.
Damn.
You got
some big brass ovaries.
See you
in a whole different light.
Thanks.
Bye. Good night.
Hey, so, uh,
we wanna volunteer
to be your next conquests,
get our swerve on
with the curvy one.
Are you propositioning me?
Hey, don't act so shocked.
I mean, you have your tongue
down everyone's throat
at school,
and you, uh, advertised yourself
in a pretty major way tonight.
All I'm saying is
I'm interested in buying it.
I can wear or not wear
whatever I want.
(LAUGHS)
And I can hook up
with who I want when I want.
Tonight was the proudest moment
in my entire stupid little life,
and apparently you guys
didn't get the point.
(LAUGHS)
So maybe this will help.
(YELLING)
What, are you kidding me?!
- (WINCING)
- Hey, you got daddy issues!
- Oh, my God.
- Agh!
Don't say anything.
I was gonna say
that was awesome!
Isabella!
This may be
the final two weeks
of your life at this school,
but do not think
for one moment
that your little halftime
burlesque routine
will go unpunished.
Now tell me
who the third girl was
who stripped
wearing the mascot head.
Aaron Masey is coming in
right after you,
so you girls better be
the one to tell me.
Well, maybe denying you
the chance to go to prom
will have you speaking up.
I don't even wanna go to prom.
Then you can find yourself
on the prom clean-up committee.
Gregory, put Isabella Walker
on the prom clean-up
committee, please.
Is this even necessary?
The girls are over 18.
It was a song
of political protest,
and let me say,
if they were boys,
would we even be in here?
It is very necessary,
and I will get
to the bottom of this.
Piper, was Dillon Walker
part of this?
You were seen in his car
afterward before speeding off.
No. Um, uh, no.
Um, Dillon wasn't.
He... We were, uh...
He just gave me a ride.
That's where you were?
We waited for you for hours.
I just needed to get away.
I just got in his car.
Well, that's called
aiding and abetting.
Can we just get to the point,
Principal Logan?
This is not something
my son would orchestrate,
and Isabella would never,
in a million years...
Wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa,
You're not suggesting
Piper's all to blame?
Excuse me. Who are you?
I'm Colin.
I'm Colin Flynn.
Yes, but who are you?
Why are you here?
Well, Piper, hi.
It's nice to finally meet you.
I'm your mom's fianc.
No, no, this isn't happening.
Let's just all calm down here.
Okay? Let's just take
a deep breath,
get back to what we're
talking about, please.
- Hi.
- Oh, my God. Hi.
Piper, I...
Colin, what are you doing here?
Well, they called me,
'cause they couldn't find you.
Yeah, and I apologize.
I was in court.
Well, it's nice to see you
got your priorities straight,
- as always.
- You know what? Take it easy.
At least I'm sober.
I'm taking it easy, huh?
Everyone, please.
There's no need
to be so abrasive.
Are you defending her?
That is so typical.
Abrasive? (LAUGHS)
Who's abrasive, Mike?
You slept with my wife.
- Oh, my God.
- I mean, when she was my wife
and before she slept
with this douche bag.
- Okay.
- What?
I mean, come on.
What kind of... I'm not a man?
What kind of man
wears a tank top in public?
- What?
- I did see Bradley Cooper
wearing a tank top yesterday
at happy hour.
It does work
on the right kind of man.
- (LAUGHING)
- Thank you.
Oh, my God.
I just put two and two together.
You, you are BMyBae2night.
(LAUGHING)
- How...
- Oh, my God, this is great.
That is so good.
Congratulations.
You deserve all of it.
Piper.
(OVER P.A.)
Good morning, Mariners.
- A reminder to all seniors...
- Isabella, wait!
deposits for cap and gown
must be received by tomorrow.
Are you sleeping with Dillon?
Just let me explain.
Explain what?
It's written all over your face.
Yes, or no?
Is my brother Ball Sac on Ice?
(LAUGHTER)
Yes.
Isabella!
(LAUGHTER)
(KEYS CLATTER)
Isabella!
You know what? I don't care.
School's almost over, and I
never have to see you again.
Oh, of course. Just walk away.
Yeah, that's what you did
with our parents.
We were going through
the same thing,
but you got to keep your family,
and I got nothing.
Well, my dad's moving out,
and you're hooking up
with my brother,
so I call bullshit.
I cannot believe you two.
All this time has passed,
Honor is dead,
and you still can't let it go!
This is the reason
our friendship broke up,
not because of something
your parents did.
You can't even admit you're
the mystery mascot stripper.
Don't pretend
you have anything figured out.
I can't get suspended.
After that party, my parents...
Oh, forget it. I don't
even want you on my side.
Oh, my God.
I hate you both.
You know what? Fuck the list!
What?
Oh, my God.
Isabella, you don't mean that!
You've been running
- Running all your life
- No longer.
Put 'em down. Put 'em down.
You were supposed to be pillars
at our school.
Very disappointed.
You've been running
(CELLPHONE BUZZING)
Until tonight
I know you're hurting
I know you're hurting
Dad, I made you a sandwich.
- I can see the whole world
- Oh.
I'm not hungry, Piper.
I can see the stars
Falling down like rain
I can see a truth in you
When you move
I can see
the whole world moving
I can see a truth in you
When you move
You've been running
Running all your life
(R & B PLAYING)
To the bride and groom.
(CAMERA CLICKS)
You're my
Sugar daddy
You're my
Sugar daddy
- My sweet
- Sugar daddy
Sugar daddy
Sugar daddy
You played the part,
and you won my heart
You sweet sugar daddy
Sugar daddy
Sugar daddy
Sugar daddy
Sugar daddy
- You're my
- Sugar daddy
Sugar daddy
I think about you
in the morning
I think
about you in the morning
Sugar daddy
And in the evening
- And in the evening
- Sugar daddy
It might sound strange
I'd rather fight than change
You sweet sugar daddy
If I ever thought
I was losing your love,
I would die
- If you ever
- Sugar daddy
- Trade me, baby, never
- Sugar daddy
- Oh, my God.
- You played the part
- And you won my heart
- Oh, my God!
- What the...
- What are you doing?
What are you...
I am gonna kill you.
What are you...
What is wrong with you?
What is wrong with you?
Hey! Piper,
what is wrong with you?
You! You are
what's wrong with me!
What you did to dad.
- What you did to me.
- No.
- You've ruined everything!
- Oh, Piper, please!
- Oh, stop!
- Uh-huh.
Oh, you know you're gonna
get sick of BMyBae2night
and go on to someone else
who makes it seem
like everything is possible.
But guess what?
It's not gonna matter,
'cause the problem is you!
Don't you...
- (SOBBING)
- I'm sorry.
Why?
Why did you do it?
I... I hate you.
I really do.
Piper...
You... You were
supposed to be my mom.
Piper, I'm sorry.
I am sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm... I'm... Piper.
(DOOR SLAMS)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
MR. MORLEY: Piper...
can I come in?
It's just me, Dad.
They got another room.
They wanted to call security,
but I said
I'd come and talk to you.
I'm really sorry.
I really messed up.
Well, you've always
been precocious.
You get that from your mom.
I knew about Isabella's dad.
What?
Wh-What do you mean?
I, uh...
I was letting it go on.
Why?
I... I don't... I don't understand.
I was scared,
but I loved your mom very much,
and I, uh, you know,
I just couldn't
get my shit together.
And I feel like
I gotta tell you that,
because, you know,
I see that you blame
everything on your mom.
I mean, look,
it doesn't mean
I want you to pee
all over my bed.
(LAUGHS) Felt really good.
My God, I bet it did.
Dad, I think I have a...
I think I have
a problem with drinking.
I hate myself for it.
Let's go home.
Come on.
Let's get cleaned up.
Both of us.
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
Oh, my Lord. I can't believe
Haley thought it was
a good idea to wear that.
Ohh. Ah, and look at her hair.
(SIGHS) What a shame.
- Sophie, look.
- Look.
(LAUGHS)
Who wrote that?
Troy.
He said they did it after she
stripped at the basketball game.
Really?
Yeah.
(WHISTLE)
(CELLPHONES CHIMING)
(GASPS)
Sophie.
Why would you do that?
(MAN VOCALIZING)
You didn't
have to out yourself.
It wasn't fair to Isabella,
Piper, you...
and Honor.
I bet Honor would have loved
you sticking it
to the Morrisettes.
That's who
I made the pact with.
Oh.
The last time...(SIGHS)
I spoke to her,
we had a huge fight.
She broke our pact.
(SIGHS)
That's why
we weren't friends anymore.
Now she's dead,
and the last thing I said to her
was, "You're such a slut."
And I just wish
I could tell her I'm sorry.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
- Hey.
- Hey.
Try your gown on yet?
No. Not yet.
Thanks for telling everyone
you were the mystery stripper.
(LAUGHS) Wish I could wear
the mascot head
for graduation tomorrow.
(DOOR OPENS)
Hey.
Why are we here?
We only have one more.
I don't care about the list.
Yes, you do.
Okay, maybe not about me,
but you care about Honor.
No.
Sorry, not sorry.
Just no.
(DOOR CLOSES)
I'll come with you.
Thanks.
(MUSIC PLAYING OVER HEADPHONES)
(CAR STEREO BLARING MUSIC)
We've got all the time
in the world
We've got
all the time in the world
We've got all the time...
What are you doing?
You wouldn't
call me back, so...
Also I wanted to pick up
mom's leftovers.
Asshole.
I know. I am.
I'm really sorry.
Hey! Hey, sport.
Wanna turn it down?
Just a second, okay?
I'm trying to apologize
to my sister.
- It's almost 2 A.M.
- Yeah, I know.
I've slept with her best friend
and been a crap brother.
She's had to deal
with everything alone.
Yeah, and I have to get up
in a couple of hours.
Cry me a river.
- Is that a song request?
- No!
I'm almost done.
The last thing I wanna tell her
is that when she
goes to college,
I'm gonna take care of mom,
and I'm gonna keep an eye
on dad, and I'm gonna be here,
and she shouldn't
let family shit
get in the way of friendship.
Oh, for God's sakes.
(DOOR SLAMS)
I've screwed up,
- and I hope she forgives me.
- It's okay
- It's okay
- It's okay
It's okay
- It's okay
- It's okay
Oh oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
Don't hold back, here we go
We've got all the time,
we will carry each other
Oh oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
I will never let you go
I'm right here for you
more than you will ever know
(LAUGHS)
Oh oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
- I will never let you go
- Ready?
I'm right here for you
more than you will ever know
Ready.
What'd I miss?
Just the dancing part.
You guys can't dance for shit.
(LAUGHS)
I missed you so much.
Come here.
Now it's Honor's turn.
Yeah.
Wow.
A grown-ass person
reduced to this tiny,
little Tupperware container.
Uh, no. No.
I think it's probably
just her foot or something.
I don't know.
Her mom stole some of the ashes
from the urn for us.
(SIGHS)
"No one can sum up
the life of a person
"with a collection
of poetic words
"as easily as a coffin or urn
can contain
the last earthly remains
of someone's existence."
"Does the perfectly chosen word
"prove how much
someone was loved?
"Maybe.
"But Honor, I knew without words
or poetry or song
"how much I loved you
by the gaping hole
that's been torn from my heart."
"We love you."
"Sorry we weren't there for you
at the end,
but we're here for you now."
Bye, Honor.
We will...
- (SNEEZES)
- (GASPING)
Oh, shit! Oh, God.
That did not just happen.
- Oh, shit. I'm sorry!
- Piper, what did you do?
(GASPING)
Oh, sorry, Honor.
Okay, let's try this again.
Bye, Honor.
Keep on dancing.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(LAUGHING)
Hi, guys.
I know we haven't talked
in forever.
But I think about you guys
all the time.
I want to tell you everything,
but I'm scared.
I have this heart condition.
There. I said it.
My life is now
just a game of chance.
I'm scared about dying,
scared about not being
the perfect one,
the strong one,
so instead I'm making
this cheesy video.
And by the way, this is,
like, the third or fourth take.
What I wanna say is be fierce,
make mistakes, fall in love.
Do it now, today.
You know, life is too short
to hate and hold grudges
against the people you love,
because they're the ones
you think about
when you're counting down
the years, months, weeks,
days you have left.
I don't know if my next dance
is going to be my last...
but I'd hate myself if I
didn't get to tell you this.
Live your life to the fullest,
the way we did
when we were always together.
Can you promise me that?
(LAUGHS)
Come on. Like you need
a guilt trip from the dead girl.
I mean, that's, like, if I die.
Go on. Make another list.
Do the list.
Love each other. Love life.
(ALL SCREAM)
Who knows? Maybe I'll be
doing the list with you
and this is just me
talking to me.
(CHUCKLES)
I miss you, Sophie.
I miss you, Piper.
I miss you, Isabella.
I wanna hang out again soon.
- (MUSIC PLAYING)
- (VOCALIZING)
Stranger than fiction
Still, it is true
I've got a vision
If it's cool with you
I'm a modern woman
In the modern world
Living is dangerous
When you are a girl
All hail
All hail
All hail
All hail
You learn by imitation
You've got so much to learn
We've got it now
You must wait your turn
Call it intuition
Call it what you like
We've got it now
Let's make it right
All hail
All hail
All hail
All hail
(VOCALIZING)
All hail
All hail
All hail
All hail
(NEW SONG PLAYING)
There's nothing
I wouldn't do for you
That you wouldn't do for me
There's nothing
I wouldn't say for you
That you wouldn't say for me
There's no one I'd allow
to keep you far away from me
There's nothing
I wouldn't give for you
That you
wouldn't give for me
So for how many years
have we wanted to say
That we've said it all,
there's nothing left to say?
And for how many years
have we wanted to live?
Now we've lived it all,
and everything's okay
- Yeah, it's okay
- It's okay
- It's okay
- It's okay
- It's okay
- It's okay
- It's okay
- It's okay
Oh oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
Don't hold back, here we go
We've got all the time,
we will carry each other
Oh oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
I will never let you go
I'm right here for you
more than you will ever know
We've got all the time
in the world
We've got
all the time in the world
We've got all the time
in the world
We've got
all the time in the world
So for how many years
have we wanted to say
That we've said it all,
there's nothing left to say?
And for how many years
have we wanted to live?
Now we've lived it all,
and everything's okay
- Yeah, it's okay
- It's okay
- It's okay
- It's okay
- It's okay
- It's okay
- It's okay
- It's okay
Oh oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
Don't hold back, here we go
We've got all the time,
we will carry each other
Oh oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
I will never let you go
I'm right here for you
more than you will ever know
We've got all the time
in the world
We've got
all the time in the world
We've got all the time
in the world
We've got
all the time in the world
Oh oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
I will never let you go
I'm right here for you
more than you will ever know