The Hot Flashes (2013) Movie Script
1
All right.
Come on, Armadillos!
Go, number 11!
Good job, Millie!
- Millie, great.
- Ooh-whoo! That is my baby!
That Kayla Rash is a bitch.
Beth.
Jocelyn needs to get along
with Millie Rash on the court,
so keep your comments about her
mom down a decibel, all right?
Block out! We gotta play better
defense! We can do that!
We gotta block out. Ladies, we
have been the state champions.
- Are we gonna let them take that from us?
- No!
I didn't think so.
Let's bring it on in!
Armadillos on three!
One, two, three.
Armadillos!
Come on, defense!
Get them!
Nice pass, Jocelyn!
A" Tight, guys, get 'em!
Watch the clock!
Watch the clock!
Whoa!
Whoa! We smoked 'em!
We smeared 'em! They suck!
Yeah!
Armadillos!
The best of the best!
Yeah!
Mwah!
I'm not supposed to be goin'
through this for a few more years.
Baby, close that door.
It's freezin' outside.
I'm thinkin' of
takin' up a new hobby.
Maybe pottery.
Or a blog.
Everyone says my Facebook
posts are really clever.
I'm still waitin' for you
to finish up your last hobby.
I'm done with the paper, if you
want to take up papier-mach.
- Oh, no.
- What?
They are closing Tess's
breast cancer screening unit.
Tess's Traveling Titty Tester.
Have a little respect.
She was my best friend.
Wow. It says they are...
"discontinuing services
due to a lack of funding."
Well, how can that be? Tess left them all
that money. I filed the paperwork myself.
It wasn't that much money,
and it's been three years
since she died.
But the state
was gonna match the money.
It should've lasted
longer than this.
Well, call her husband and see
if he knows anything about it.
He's too busy movin' his new bride out of
her sorority house to care about this.
You know, this is Tess's legacy.
I cannot just sit by and do
nothin', like a lazy eye.
Are you closin'?
I can stay if you need a screening.
No. I'm just a concerned citizen.
I read in the paper that
y'all are closing for good?
Shame about the mix-up
with our state funding.
What mix-up?
Well, her money could've
lasted a lot longer...
'cause whoever filed the paperwork didn't
read that you have to reapply every year.
Too bad. I might be
out of a job myself.
I've gotten so attached
to Burning Bush.
I belong to the square
dancing group here.
Oh, speaking of which, I would
love to stay and visit,
but if I don't leave now, I'll end
up having to do-si-do with a girl...
'cause all the men'll be taken.
I hate that. Bye.
Anyone who says...
that menopause isn't the most
divine time in a woman's life...
is a pessimist.
I carry a cattle prod
from my husband's ranch...
in my purse at all times,
so when a pessimistic thought about
menopause comes into my head,
I give myself a teensy zap.
This is the time of your life...
when your inner goddess emerges.
Mm-hmm.
And I'm not talkin' about some
New Age pagan kind of goddess.
I am talking about
a Judeo-Christian goddess.
And you no longer have to worry
about getting pregnant...
or getting whistled at by those
handsome, young ranch hands.
Menstruation is overrated.
Hot flash, missy?
Hot flashes.
Mood swings.
Achy joints.
Oh, yes.
Frequent urination.
It's all good.
Hello?
May I speak with Beth Humphrey?
This is Beth.
This is Liz Hulsey from the
State Department of Health.
I got your message about
Tess Muldoon Mobile Unit.
I am thrilled when a generous
donor like you calls,
especially with
our budget cuts.
Donor? Oh, no, no, no, no.
I just, um...
How much money would it cost to get
the mobile unit back in operation?
Let's see. 25,000 would cover the
costs for the rest of the year...
if you reapplied for
state-matchin' funds right away.
25,000?
Oh, Lord! I can't...
I can't afford 2,500.
Well, darlin', if you figure out how
to raise the money, you let us know.
We'd need it no later
than two months from tomorrow.
Call me if you have
any questions.
Bye-bye.
Bye.
Passes it
quickly over to the right.
Dribbling up to the side corner.
No, no. No, no!
Ah. Mmm.
Beautiful pass!
Hmm.
Yes!
Go. No, no! Oh, come on.
The free throw line.
The first one was good.
Laurence?
Go, go, go, go, go!
No. no! Oh!
Where are your old Burning
Bush High School yearbooks?
They're in the hall closet,
I think. Why?
Just curious.
Ah... Go on! Yeah!
Oh, I love this team.
Tess.
I stumbled across
Laurence's old yearbook,
and I saw that you were on
the basketball team in 1980.
That's when God was still a boy.
I played some in high school.
We didn't make state like y'all, but
I made first team all-district.
Did ya?
Mm-hmm.
You must still
really love basketball.
You haven't missed a game all year.
Mm-mmm.
You can't keep me away
from a Lady Armadillos game.
Well, next time I see you
sittin' by your lonesome,
I'm gonna make you come sit by me.
Well, that'd be sweet.
I try to get my roommate to come,
but she's not into basketball.
I cannot believe
I have not met her yet.
Jewel, right?
Yeah.
She's not here much.
She works over in Jewett.
We're just... roommates.
You know, two single gals sharing
expenses until we meet the right man.
How long y'all been roommates now?
Well, 16 years.
Whoa. That's a lot
of shared expenses.
There's nothing weird about that.
Of course not.
Oh, Ginger, you are the
least weird person I know.
Yee-haw! Howdy, folks!
Come on down!
Hi there! Ginger Peabody.
Nice to meet ya.
Hi. Nice to meet you.
Wait... J... Just let me
get this straight.
You want us to play
a full-court game...
against the Lady Armadillos,
the state champs,
who are 30 years younger than us?
Three games.
What?
If we sell out three games,
we can make 15 grand on concession
stand and admission proceeds.
I figure we can raise the
rest with a bettin' pool.
Hell, men around here
write you off after 40,
so I know they'll bet against us.
All we have to do is bet on
ourselves to win the pool.
That, and win two
out of the three games.
I have not stepped foot on a
basketball court in over 30 years.
So we'll practice.
When people hear that it's for charity,
the whole town will pay to come watch us.
Maybe I don't want the whole town watching
me make a fool of myself playing basketball.
No, I can't do it.
I'm sorry.
I know. Listen, listen.
Just come shoot baskets with us
Thursday night and then decide.
Who's "us"?
Florine.
She's committed.
Absolutely not!
No way, Jose!
Florine, you said you'd
do anything for Tess.
That's just a figure of speech...
like "Break a leg" or "I'm all
ears" or "Have a nice day."
Nobody means those things
literally.
I'm too old to play basketball.
We're all too old to play basketball.
Ginger's committed.
Well, bless Ginger's heart,
but Ginger's not the mayor.
Do you know how hard it is for a black
woman in these parts to get elected mayor?
This town's 90% white.
I'm not saying people here
are behind the times,
but some are still trying to adjust
to Bill Cosby being a doctor.
Are you saying playing
basketball's too black for you?
I'm saying I have
different priorities.
People think just because I took
over this job when J.C. died...
that I don't have what it
takes to get reelected.
Well, I'll prove them wrong by becoming the
first elected black mayor of Burning Bush.
I hate to burst your
civil rights bubble,
but any idiot in this town
who wouldn't vote for you...
'cause you act too black
or come on too strong...
isn't gonna vote for you, period.
Why do you want this job anyway?
You don't even get a proper office.
What do you call this?
J.C. was a damn good
mayor for 10 years.
I intend to honor that
and keep his memory alive.
I understand you wantin'
to honor him and all, but...
Oh, and you'd understand about
losing a husband, would you?
Oh.
Florine, I'm sorry.
Look, I think that you are the
most capable person in this town,
but lately, you've been
pretendin' to be all proper.
But I can see, you need to
get your game on again.
I said no.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have important work to do.
I have to call the paper and let them know
the Little Miss Burning Bush Pageant...
has been postponed due to lice.
Well, we're practicing Thursday
night if you change your mind.
What are you lookin' at, white boy?
You know I am too old
to play basketball.
Beth?
Hey, Roxie.
Hey.
I haven't seen you in ages.
What are you doin' around here?
I came here to ask you to be a
part of somethin' important.
At least, it's important to me.
Look, I'm real flattered
that you asked me,
but my basketball days are over.
Mmm. Mmm.
Wow. This is good.
That's Mary Jane Mud Cake.
Mmm. Come on, Roxie.
You were on a championship
team in high school.
As soon as you get back on the court,
it's all gonna come back to you.
You don't get it, Beth. I didn't
have these babies back then.
I think you look just fine.
Well, thank you,
but you're full of shit.
I do.
And I know that Tito still
thinks you're beautiful.
The only time Tito notices me...
is when I'm blockin' the TV set
when Jennifer Lopez is on.
He'd rather see her big ass
than mine.
You want some more coffee?
Oh, please.
All right.
So I assume you were a post
and Florine a guard.
Now, who was
your other startin' forward?
It was Clemmy Baker.
She's Clementine Winks now.
Coach Slaughter's ex-wife?
Oh, yeah. She's a lot
of people's ex-wife.
Clementine Winks, huh?
I did not recognize her
in the photo.
Well, that's because now she
looks like 40 miles of bad road.
Bad karma, if you ask me.
I think she looks pretty good.
Trust me, Beth. You don't
want her on your team.
Why not?
Let's put it this way.
When she hears the word
"hoedown," she hits the floor.
Okay.
I best be goin'.
Oh.
You didn't like the cake?
No, it was delicious.
I am just... I gotta
save room for dinner.
Oh. You got such
a nice figure, Beth.
Well, maybe us practicin' together,
gettin' in shape for the games...
would be a good way for you
to get your figure back.
I'm sorry, Beth.
I just can't.
Well, we are practicin'
Thursday night...
if you change your mind.
Basketball.
That's a great idea, raising
money for Tess's memory.
You know, she was the only one who
didn't turn on me in high school.
When my fourth marriage ended,
she showed up at my house
with a U-Haul to help me move.
And she was going through radiation
and chemo at the same time.
Bald as a baby's bottom.
Well, I had no idea.
Yeah.
She was really somethin'.
I hope this goes well for y'all.
Well, we want you
to be on the team.
I can't.
Why not?
Well, a certain high school
girls' basketball coach.
I heard it was messy.
Oh, honey, you don't know
the half of it.
That skank humiliated me
in divorce court.
Took the house and didn't have
to pay a dime in alimony.
27.50.
No, I'm not gonna lose
to him again.
Who says we're gonna lose?
Has your elevator stopped
going to the top floor?
Thanks, but no, thanks.
Well, we're practicin' Thursday night
at 7:30 if you change your mind.
And remember, this is for Tess.
Bye.
Shannon, will you quit readin'
that thing and get back to work.
It's not like this job is hard.
Well, I'm goin' for a smoke break.
Okay.
They're your lungs.
They are.
Mom?
Mom?
What are you doing here?
I'm meeting with Coach Slaughter
to schedule the games.
Oh, God. I can't believe you're
really serious about this.
I mean, personally, Mrs. H.,
I just wanna say...
I think it is so brave that y'all are
gettin' back out on the court...
after all these years.
Well, thank you, Millie.
Mom, have you thought about the physical
shape you need to be in to do this?
Of course.
I'm givin' us time to train.
Well, I mean, I know we're all
really looking forward to it.
So are we.
See ya on the court.
Oh, my God.
I cannot believe that your mom
is actually gonna do that!
I'm so embarrassed.
I mean, I would die.
I actually would just die.
It would benefit the mobile unit.
Tess's Traveling Titty Tester?
Mrs. Humphrey, I have my
reputation to think about.
It took me years to whip
my girls into winners.
They may be girls,
but they're still champs.
And you don't follow up a state championship
with a touchy-feely game like this...
even if it is for a good cause.
Mind if I dip?
No.
Yeah. Clementine said you'd be
afraid she might beat you again.
What does my ex-wife
have to do with this?
Oh. Didn't I mention?
She's on our team.
All the more reason to steer clear.
That woman's trouble.
Wait a minute. What do you mean I'd
be afraid she'd beat me again?
You know, with the
divorce trial and all.
I won that one...
in the eyes of the court
and of the Lord.
You know how people gossip.
Some are bound to believe her and
think that you won't play us...
'cause you're afraid
you might lose.
Afraid of losing to her?
That lazy tramp smokes
a pack a day!
Let's hope the school board doesn't
think that you're afraid...
to play a lazy tramp
who smokes a pack a day.
Beth?
You and your ladies...
And I use that term loosely
considering Clementine's involved...
are gonna have to stay within
20 points of me and my girls...
in this first game.
Otherwise, there won't be
a second or a third.
Thank you.
It's a deal.
I know you mean well,
but it's a crazy idea.
Look, Beth.
I don't want you to embarrass
yourself or your daughter.
Well, may the best girl win.
Mom, you're not a girl!
No matter how immature
you're actin' lately.
What are you talkin' about?
Are you embarrassed?
Mortified is more like it.
Why can't you just support me?
When Hillary Clinton ran for
president, Chelsea was right there.
The wind beneath her wings.
Hillary didn't run against Chelsea.
And she lost.
Beth, look.
We know you, baby.
You'll talk, talk,
talk this all over town.
And then, when you see
how hard it is...
or how not enough people
show up for the first game,
you'll lose interest and quit, like
you quit all your other hobbies.
What makes you think
not enough people will show up?
Baby. Well, you aren't exactly
leading ladies anymore.
Hey, y'all.
Hey, Mill.
Good mornin'.
When we get in there,
don't sit behind her hair.
We won't be able
to see the preacher.
Hey!
Am I too late?
Of course not.
The others must be
runnin' late too.
Hey, Ginger, thanks for comin'.
Ah. My roommate Jewel's
mammogram at the mobile unit...
may have saved her life.
I'm sorry, Ginger.
I didn't know.
Ah, it's okay.
They caught it early.
Hey. Sorry I'm late.
You got room for these
saddlebags in here?
Howdy.
Hey, Ginger. How you doin'?
Pretty good.
P.S. I'm not wearin' no gym shorts.
Okay. Oh!
God! Damn!
Excuse me.
Is this the WNBA tryout?
Ladies, y'all know Clementine.
Sure do.
Okay.
We're gonna take it slow.
Oh.
Looks like someone remembers
how to handle a ball.
Honey, I always remember
how to handle balls.
- Slut.
- Lard ass.
Line up.
Hey, where's Florine?
- I thought you said she was committed.
- Yeah.
She is.
Whoo!
Whoa, right there!
Thank... you!
Yee-haw! Thank you.
I'm Florine Clarkston.
I'm runnin' for mayor.
I hope I can count
on your vote for mayor.
What?
I'm running for mayor!
I prefer mustard.
Don't forget to vote.
Vote for Flo.
Beth. I didn't know
you square danced.
I didn't know that this was a
stop on the campaign trail.
Well, I just want the retired
folks in town to know...
that I will have their best
interests at heart as mayor.
What about the interests
of the women in town?
You know, if you joined our team,
you might actually have fun.
I'm sure y'all only remember the
fun of high school basketball.
What are you talking about?
During the play-offs
against Jasper,
the fans called me "Jumpin' Jigaboo"
throughout the entire game.
Well, most of those folks
wouldn't know shit from Shinola.
And I bet none of them
are running for mayor now.
I just wanted to let you know we're
practicing again tomorrow, 3:00.
I'll think about it.
Yippee! Ha-cha! Ha! Ha!
Oh, honey, nobody wants
to see your do-si-do.
Bless her heart.
Hi. Remember me?
I couldn't help but overhear.
If you need a team manager,
I'm here to help.
All right, y'all.
Let's start practice.
- Here you go.
- Oh, thank you.
Hey, y'all.
Sorry I'm late.
Whoo! Whoo.
What the hell is that?
It's chocolate cheesecake, so we
don't all get low blood sugar.
That's not your, uh, special cannabis
chocolate cheesecake, is it?
No. It's just regular
old chocolate cheesecake.
It's fit for a Baptist.
Ginger!
Whoo!
Hey! Whoop.
Hey! Ha-ha!
Our fifth player is here.
I'm not here to play.
I'm here to talk you out
of this harebrained idea.
Look, we're all smart women.
I'm sure we can think of
another way to raise money.
How 'bout a bake sale, or one
of those silent auctions?
Take off those ridiculous shoes
and get out here with us.
You're not here
to play, huh, Florine?
You could've phoned in
your half-baked sale idea.
Well, if you're not gonna play,
I can call Charlotte Smoot.
I think she may be runnin'
for mayor this year.
Charlotte Smoot.
You gotta be kiddin' me.
I could run circles around
Charlotte Smoot on the court.
Bless her heart.
Oh, yeah?
Whoa! Ho-ho!
- Yeah!
- You still got it!
Ha-ha! Ladies, I believe
we have our startin' lineup.
Whoo! What are we gonna
call our team?
Oh, man. I never even
thought of a name.
Hey. Can you throw me a towel?
Whoo!
Got a warm front rollin' in, Roxie?
- Uh-huh.
- Your own personal tropical splendor?
Hey. That's it. That's
the name of our team.
Tropical Splendor?
The Hot Flashes.
Personally, I have never
experienced a hot flash.
- You're such a liar!
- Oh, really?
Get outta here
with your bullshit.
Hey, Kayla.
Hi, Beth.
Millie told me about this,
and I think it's great you ladies
will be taking on the Armadillos.
You do?
Oh. Uh-huh.
I was always too delicate
for sports myself.
Mmm.
I wanted to ask how you're gonna be
handlin' the concession proceeds.
I assume the church will be splittin' 'em
with the band, like with all the games.
You know, as church secretary,
I just want to make sure we're
singin' from the same hymnal.
Sorry, Kayla. All the proceeds
are goin' to the mobile unit.
I have to find my husband.
No problem.
I have a package.
Honey.
Hello, Laurence!
Afternoon, ladies.
Honey, I hung up two posters,
but I thought it'd be okay...
since I am sleeping
with the postmaster.
Uh...
Well, since it's for
a good cause, all right.
There is more
than one good cause...
that could benefit here.
I would love to stay
and shoot the bull,
but then I'd be a widow.
I wanna finish hanging the posters
in town so I can get to practice.
Later, y'all.
See you at home.
Toodle-oo!
What can I do for you?
Hello?
Hello?
You know, I'm no longer
licensed by the state of Texas.
I'm not here about a pet.
You want me to coach basketball?
I think you'd be perfect
for our team.
And why exactly did you choose me?
My acumen
for slam-dunkin'?
You love basketball. I've seen
you at lots of the games.
And like I said, this is for Tess.
She said you were amazing when
she had to put Reba down.
Yeah? Well, did she also
tell you why I lost my license?
If it's any consolation,
I think you were brave...
to kidnap those dogs
just to brush their teeth.
Well, aren't I
a lucky little bastard?
I must be the only one in town who likes
basketball and got along with Tess.
I chose you because you're
a little person and a felon.
And lots of people are scared of
you for one of those reasons.
And I chose you 'cause Tess
said you were compassionate.
And I chose you 'cause I didn't
think anybody else would do it.
I accept your little coaching job.
By the way, you had me at "felon."
Ahh!
Ah!
All right. Now, Ginger, you stepped
in and you had great position,
but you gotta box out strong.
Gotta put your butt in it good.
And, Florine, stop worrying
about your hair.
I have to go all the way
to Waco for my hair.
Those little girls over
at Maybelle's Beauty Parlor,
they have no idea what
to do with this hair.
All right.
Let's do this again.
And, Roxie, try to hit
the rim this time.
Well, I had no idea you were an
expert at reboundin', Coach.
Roxie Adams,
you are so effin' rude!
Excuse me! It's Roxie Rosales
for the past 27 years!
And what's rude is sleepin'
with other people's husbands!
It was 30 years ago,
and you weren't married.
I had a ring on my friggin' finger!
A class ring.
Oh, no, wait. Actually, it looked a
little bit more like a Cracker Jack ring.
Well, if you weren't out all
night parked with my Tito...
the night before
our big game at Elkhart,
we might've gone undefeated
senior year.
And maybe if you were eating more
Mr. Rosales and less Mr. Goodbar,
he wouldn't have looked elsewhere.
I am gonna rip those worn-out
nipples right off of you!
Bring it on!
Hey, hey, hey!
Don't touch me, girl!
Hey! Stop it!
Stop it right now!
Everybody! Sideline! Now!
Get off!
Bitch!
Hey!
I feel like it's my
responsibility as your coach...
to tell you this.
You'll never win if you keep beatin'
the hell out of each other!
There's only room
for one enemy now,
and that's the Armadillos.
Those girls... they are
younger and they are faster.
That's a fact of life.
So we need to use
our innate abilities.
- Like what?
- I... I don't know.
It could be...
it could be anything.
What do y'all have that they don't?
Lazy husbands?
Okay. Uh, it's a start.
- A cynical attitude.
- Now we're talkin'.
A weldin' license.
What?
I got it after Flashdance came out.
Everybody was gettin' 'em.
A higher tolerance for alcohol.
Tattoo coverin' a C-section scar.
Nonexistent gag reflex.
Okay, okay. We just need
to figure out...
how to take full advantage
of these assets.
Sure, we gotta abide
by what the ref says,
but other than that,
there are no rules here.
What are you suggestin'?
Sayin', if mama wants to win,
mama might have to get her
hands a little dirty.
Here you go. Thank you.
Good luck.
Hey, hey, hey, Roy!
Wow. Roxie.
What's the occasion?
No occasion.
Since you had to sell your Harley,
you don't ride with us anymore.
I just don't get
to see you that much.
If I remember correctly,
my Purple Haze Pecan Pie
was your favorite.
Oh, you got that right.
Hey, how's business goin', Roy?
Oh, not so good. I gotta put in twice
the number of hours just to get by.
Yeah. I heard you had to take on a
second job just to help pay the bills.
What was that?
I referee basketball games.
That's right.
Yeah.
Oh, well. Here ya go, Roy.
You enjoy that now. Okay?
Oh, hello, old friend.
Thank you, Roxie!
All right. I want to see some
tough broads out here today!
Let's go!
Come on, Clementine!
Let's go.
Go. Boom, boom!
Get those hips moving.
Get that ball around that hip.
Lift 'em!
To the left! To the left!
Shotgun!
To the right!
To the right! Shotgun!
Go! Get 'em up there!
Get those knees up!
Let's go!
Quick! Quick! Quick!
Quick! Quick! Quick!
Quick! Quick!
Bitch!
Come on! Let me see you flow with me!
Come on! Finger shift.
Finger shift.
Hey, y'all.
Hi.
No one is bettin'
in the bettin' pool.
We have less than 200 bucks.
No.
Maybe, if we just kick
ass in the first game,
more people will show up
for the second one.
Well, our uniforms
are gonna be winners.
Look what Roxie designed
and Ginger had printed up.
Oh, Roxie!
You're so talented!
I know.
Oh, it's funny. I've spent
half my life as a housewife...
and totally suck
at sewin' and cookin'.
What have I been doin'
all these years?
Beth, you've been
raisin' a daughter.
And taking care of a husband.
Well, I'm not too sure about that.
Beth, everything okay
with you and Laurence?
I don't know.
But I should be grateful
that he puts up with me.
I don't know what I'd do
if he didn't.
Oh, God. Don't
be grateful for that.
You know what you do if a husband
walks out on you? Lock the door.
I wouldn't take relationship
advice from her.
Oh, shut up.
Uh-uh-uh.
I look at Jocelyn, and I know we
at least did one thing right.
Mmm. Count your blessings, Beth.
Not all of 'em turn out that good.
Hey, Mrs. H.
Hey, y'all.
Oh, my goodness.
Your uniforms are so cute.
You know, it was real smart of y'all to get
T-shirts that cover the back of your arms.
Watch your mouth,
Millie Rash.
I mean, they all probably wanna
cover up as much as they can...
just to make sure one of their
teammates doesn't check them out.
Whoo! Look at the time. I have
gotta go let the dogs out.
My roommate's still at work.
So I'll see y'all later.
Bye, Ginger.
Bye, Ginger.
Take care, Ginger.
By the way, have y'all met
her roommate Jewel?
I've never once laid eyes on her.
It's kinda like she's embarrassed
by her or somethin'.
Maybe she's got a wonky eye.
Come on, y'all.
It's obvious.
We haven't met her because
Ginger's not ready to come out.
I mean, Burning Bush isn't
exactly Brokeback Mountain.
Execute a full fake...
and take one hard dribble
in the opposite direction.
That supposed to be a jab step,
pump fake?
I didn't hear you come in.
Give me the Butterball.
I'll show you.
See, the trick is in your
waist, not your feet.
Yeah.
Works best when a player's made a bunch of
points from a particular spot on the court.
Defense won't be
expecting the fake.
I don't think we should
be discussing the game.
Coach says that I'm supposed to
look at y'all like the enemy.
Oh, okay. Well, I guess the enemy
doesn't need to help with dinner.
Hmm.
Is that rap music
you're listening to?
It's vintage
Salt-N-Pepa.
It's not rap rap.
Oh, my God!
Well, what's it look like out there?
I have seen more people
in a minivan.
Tito's not even here. And he
doesn't have anywhere else to go.
Well, what's it look like
in the bettin' pool?
There's only about $400 in there.
Oh!
Maybe Laurence was right.
Maybe nobody wants to see a bunch of
middle-aged women play basketball.
How can we raise any money
if nobody's bettin' against us?
Hey!
We still got a job to do tonight.
Gotta go out there and show
this town what we're made of.
What town?
Nobody's even here.
Have you all forgotten
what's at stake here?
Our dignity?
Oh, hell. You... You're forcing me to go all
Lifetime television for women on you now.
My aunt... Aunt Rowena...
she, uh... she died
of breast cancer.
She lived in a little Podunk
town hours away from a doctor...
or a decent strip club.
If the town had a mobile unit,
then maybe they would have caught it
early, and she'd still be here today.
Is that true?
Only a really small man would lie
about somethin' really big like that.
Now, am I the only one not ready
to give up on this mobile unit?
No.
Then what are we all waitin' for?
Gene Hackman to show up?
Let's go!
Hit it.
Where's Roy? He's supposed
to be reffin' this game.
Ate some bad clams.
All right.
Let's go, ladies! Let's go!
Yes!
Air ball.
Airhead!
One.
Whoo!
Come on. Pick it up!
Yeah! Kinda like shootin'
fish in a barrel!
Fight, fight, fight!
That one's mine, girls.
Hey!
Whoa!
Clemmy! Wide open!
Wide open!
What the...
God!
Yeah! Good one! Whoo-hoo!
Who would've thought that?
Oh!
Yes, sir!
There we go!
There we go!
I like that!
Nice pick, Jocelyn.
Good shootin', Millie.
All right. Here we go.
All right, ladies.
No mercy, all right?
Look, I don't wanna be comin'
back here for no game two.
All right. Come on, ladies.
We can do this!
If we don't get within 20 points,
the mobile unit is history.
Come on.
Hot Flashes on three!
One, two, three!
Hot Flashes!
Yeah!
Go, Florine!
Roxie! Put it in!
Go ahead! Go ahead!
Whoa!
Hit the rope! Come on!
Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Yes!
Let's go! Let's go!
Let's go! Let's go!
Let's go, Florine. Come on!
Oh, my God.
Oh!
Yeah!
She tried to feel me up!
What'd she say?
What?
That's a lie.
Millie.
Oops.
Why'd you say that?
Chillax.
I was just jokin'.
Good game.
Good game, good game.
Good game, good game, good game.
Good game.
Good game.
Well, at least you said
somethin' about that heathen.
Did you see her face?
Oh, hi, Beth.
Looks like you get to
continue your little match.
Good game.
Would've been if your daughter hadn't
pulled that stunt with Ginger.
Oh. It was a joke.
Besides, the whole town
knows that Ginger is...
that kind.
If your daughter
can't accept others,
at least you can teach her
some tolerance.
Isn't tolerance just
a fancy way of sayin'...
that we're puttin' up with
somethin' that we know is wrong?
How 'bout some basic respect?
Millie respects the Bible.
Yeah.
It's real specific.
Oh. Well, as long as
we're talkin' specifics,
I believe the Bible's real clear about
what you and Darryl Lee were doin'...
at the mini golf course last week.
If you say one more derogatory
thing about Ginger,
I got a real juicy Facebook
post waitin' to go out...
telling everybody in town how our
miniature golf course now has a 19th hole.
See y'all in church.
Don't you threaten my daughter!
You think you're such hot
stuff around here, don't you?
You and your foulmouthed team are
a bad influence on those girls.
Oh, we'll see who
this community listens to.
Come on, Millie!
Darryl Lee?
Young lady, you are so grounded!
Hey, baby.
Mm-mm-mm.
Why don't you let me
lick those fingers for ya?
We got any more of
that 420 flan, baby?
No.
But I think I got
somethin' real sweet...
you might like right here.
Where you goin', baby?
Is she still out there?
Yeah.
Thought she'd be tired
of this by now.
I give her another...
week.
I think this is different, Dad.
Hmm?
She's been staying up
every night practicin'.
I think her whole team is
really serious about this.
Yeah?
Okay.
Uh-huh.
- Hey, baby.
- Where you been?
I've been quail-huntin'
with Dan Metcalf.
It's after 8:00.
I don't wanna argue.
I'm tired.
I found a hair clip in the pickup.
I'm 99% sure it's not Jocelyn's,
and I'm 100% sure it's not mine.
What is this, "Special
Victims Hair Clip Unit?"
Those hormones
are messin' with you.
I'm gonna take a shower
and go to bed.
What's wrong?
You are.
What did I do?
Eavesdropping on my phone conversations
and using it to get Millie grounded?
A mother doesn't eavesdrop.
She pays attention.
And that girl deserved it
after what she did to Ginger.
She and the rest of the team
are barely speakin' to me.
I'm gonna have to write her English
term paper to make it up to her.
Since when are you
and Millie Rash best friends?
She's the most popular girl on my team.
And my team is important to me.
Well, maybe my team's
important to me too.
Your team goes away in two weeks. I'm
with mine for the rest of the year.
Come on, Flo. Let's go.
I-I'll be there.
There's only $1,500
in the betting pool.
Doesn't look like much more
of a turnout tonight.
We'll come up with somethin'.
All right, ladies.
Gather round.
Where's Florine?
All right. I'm ready.
What?
All right. The mobile unit
is ridin' on us tonight.
If we lose this game,
we're not gonna get a third.
If you gals put on
a good show tonight,
they're gonna tell their
friends to come out next game.
It's called "word of mouth."
mind over matter.
If the refs don't mind,
it don't matter.
Hot Flashes on three.
One, two, three!
Hot Flashes!
Hips don't lie, sweetheart.
- That was a foul.
- That's a foul.
It's cool, dude.
What was that?
Get it!
She stepped on her foot.
On her foot!
Yes!
Hey, that's a foul!
Intentional!
Nice hair.
Thank you!
Hello! That was a foul.
What in the Sam Hill?
Oh!
I know how starved you
must be for attention.
I mean, my mama told me how hard it is
to get a husband after a certain age.
Why buy the cow when you
can get the milk for free?
Who needs a husband?
I mean, why buy the pig when all
you need is a little sausage?
Ew.
Score's right.
Cool.
Hot Flashes' ball.
Hey.
I intend to file a complaint
with the referee's association.
And don't pretend you don't
know what I'm talkin' about.
You'll never work
in this state again, dude.
Wow.
Oh, my God!
Whoo!
Let's go, ladies.
Rebound! Rebound!
Get back, ladies.
Come on, come on!
One more. Come on, Flo!
Yeah!
Coach! Did you see that?
I know, I know.
Nice job, ladies! We got some
celebrating to do. Drinks on me!
Whoo! Beautiful shot!
Yeah!
That's the way, Florine!
Whoo!
Whoo!
Beth, where's Laurence? I thought
he was comin' by to celebrate?
No, he had to go back
to the post office. Yeah.
Ever since the layoffs, he has just
been workin' overtime every night.
Honey, you look like
a million bucks.
Now, you need to go down to that post office
and tempt him with a special delivery.
I am not tempting
him much lately.
Honey, in that dress, you could
tempt most of the men in this town,
including a couple of the women.
Okay, ladies.
To the Hot Flashes!
That was quite a game tonight.
I'm with the Waco Register.
I've seen your posters all over town.
I'm always lookin' for a good story.
Mind if I take
some photos of your team?
Oh, hell. Nobody wants to see a photo of my
big ass in the newspaper. That's for sure.
My name's Clementine Winks.
W-I-N-K-S.
You need some photos?
I do.
Why don't you come here with me, and
I'll tell you how the team got started.
She's like a
gopher in soft dirt.
We could use the publicity. Get
some people out for the last game.
Next round on me.
I sold the pickup today.
Hey!
Hey, hey, hey!
Good girl!
Hey, none for me.
I'm drivin' home.
Oh, can I get a ride?
The post office is on the way.
I think I might actually
surprise Laurence tonight.
Good for you!
See if his tipsy wife can tempt him now.
Hey, Beth. Don't forget,
you're still in training.
You gotta save some of that
energy for the last game.
Aye, aye, sir.
- Here you go, boss.
- Adios, amiga!
Yeah.
I'm gonna ride you like a pony!
Come on!
Watch out.
Uh-oh.
Butt in the gut. Butt in the gut.
Oh! Hey.
That is not my gut!
Ah!
Have a great time!
Thank you. Great
game tonight, girl!
See ya tomorrow!
Seal that envelope.
Where's your stamp?
Look for the stamp.
- Track and confirmed.
- I like it.
Oh, no, don't you go express.
Not this time.
Yes!
Put your bulk mail in me.
Go postal on me!
Oh. Oh!
What was that?
What was that?
Beth.
Beth! Open the door.
I don't wanna wake Jocelyn.
I need to talk to you.
Beth, please.
Open the door.
I can explain.
Beth, please.
Looks like somebody celebrated
a little too hard last night.
Yeah. Guess I'm not
as young as I used to be.
Bacon's supposed to
be good for hangovers.
I don't wanna be late for school.
Bye, Dad.
Bye-bye, baby.
Good-bye, Jocelyn.
I don't know what to say.
Why her?
Do you love her?
Be honest with me. I deserve that.
Do you love her?
What about her husband?
He's away, workin' on an oil rig.
Oh, isn't that convenient for
you both. Do you love her?
- We'll talk when you calm down.
- You come back here!
Every time you don't wanna hear somethin',
you just walk away or you ignore me.
Beth, what do you want me to say?
That spark we used to have? I wanna
feel it more than once a year.
I'm too young
to feel this damn old.
When you sink a three-pointer for
the Hot Flashes, you feel 18 again.
That's how I feel with her.
She's not comin'.
Why?
We know you're in there.
Did y'all know about her?
No.
No. Of course not.
We didn't know, Beth.
But we know you're gonna
get through this.
Mm-mmm.
I think he's gonna leave me.
Yeah. When Jocelyn goes off to college.
And I'll be totally alone.
You will not be totally alone.
You've got us.
You got a whole posse now, girl.
I'm afraid my basketball
days are over.
But you can't quit now.
Hey. Listen. Havin' a pity party
isn't gonna help anything.
Believe me, honey, I know.
I thought takin' on those
girls might help Laurence...
see me the way he used to.
Whatever happens
between you and Laurence,
he can't take this away from you.
This was your idea.
Y'all should know that I'm the reason
why the mobile unit ran out of money.
I forgot to reapply
for the matching funds.
I never told you 'cause I
was so ashamed.
You don't get it, Beth.
This whole thing is so much
bigger than you are now.
Didn't you read the story
in the Waco paper today?
All right. Read it to her.
Let me see.
Blah, blah, blah.
"Word has spread like wildfire
across the Internet...
about the Burning Bush Hot Flashes.
And several similar basketball
teams of middle-aged women...
have sprung up around Texas to
raise money for breast cancer,
including the Waco Mood Swings,
the Crawford Crying Fits and the
Plano Night Sweats."
You see, Beth. If you quit, you
wouldn't just be quittin' on yourself.
You would be quittin' on all of us.
Come on, Beth.
Come on, Beth.
- Come on, Beth.
- Beth.
The gym is closed.
You ladies might as well
turn around and go home.
We're fixin' to practice.
Sorry. But you're banned
from playin' on school property.
What?
Who banned us?
The school board.
They said your whole team...
was a bad influence
on the kids of Burning Bush.
They had a page-long list
of improprieties.
What fucking improprieties?
Hey.
What about our final game?
Canceled.
What?
I'm not exactly thrilled to have our
last game of the season be a loss...
to an inferior team,
but the school board
has made up its mind.
The gym is locked.
Ooh.
I hate that man.
We have to let them know
that this is wrong.
And how we gonna do that?
I don't know.
They have their weekly meeting tomorrow
night. I'll think of somethin'.
Miss Humphrey, I'm afraid
you're wasting your time.
We discussed this at length
before we voted.
What did we do that
was so horrible?
Smokin'. Bribing referees.
Promotin' homosexuality.
And excessive profanity.
Okay, so maybe we made
some folks uncomfortable,
but if we promise to be
on our best behavior...
in the last game,
would you take another vote?
These are serious grievances. Now,
we've made our decision. We're sorry.
Now, if you don't mind, we have a
lot of other business to discuss,
and we'd like to get home to
our families before midnight.
Oh, it's funny you should
mention your families.
Your wives, Frida, Fay,
Jodelle, Lanette, Sissy.
They were all high
school cheerleaders.
Yeah. So?
So, don't you think you ought
to consider their feelings...
about canceling their last-ever
opportunity to be a cheerleader?
What are you talkin' about?
Well, I called each of
'em on my way here.
They were awfully excited about
doin' a half-time performance.
Oh, you're talkin' crazy now.
Well, why don't you call your
wives and ask if it's crazy?
You wouldn't want them findin' out later
that you didn't check in with them...
before cheatin' them
out of this opportunity.
I'll give you gentlemen
a moment of privacy.
Beth.
Do you plan to keep seein' her?
I need to know.
Keep your voice down.
Jocelyn's asleep.
Answer the question.
It's not that simple.
Well, let me simplify it for you.
I'm playin' my last game with
the Hot Flashes Friday night.
If you plan to keep
seein' her, don't come.
I'm as nervous
as a long-tailed cat...
in a room full of rockin' chairs.
I haven't been this nervous since...
State championship game, 1980.
Exactly.
Me neither.
I'm sorry I'm late. Holy crap,
there's a lot of people out there!
Damn. Look at you, hot mama!
Girl.
You got it, you gotta flaunt it.
Ladies! Ladies, we got a packed
house out there tonight.
That bettin' pool is gonna put
us over the $25,000 mark.
Now, we just gotta
go out there and win!
God.
All right. If-If that doesn't
crank your engines...
That little bit
of newspaper publicity we got?
Went viral.
You are not gonna believe
who is out there.
Who?
Good Morning America.
What?
Get out!
Shut up!
Damn.
They wanna shoot a pregame
interview with one of our players.
They're settin' up right now.
So. Who's it gonna be?
Beth. You thought
of this whole thing.
Yeah. Beth.
Yeah.
Come on. Florine,
you're runnin' for mayor.
Ginger, this could do
wonders for your dealership.
Yeah.
You're lookin' pretty hot.
I'm just sayin'.
I think it's gotta be Roxie.
Right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Really?
Damn, girl.
Good Morning America!
Go get 'em, Roxie!
Be sure to join us later this week
when we'll show you the Hot Flashes,
a basketball team comprised
of women of a certain age,
who are taking on
the state high school champs,
to raise money to help save
their local mammogram unit.
So tell us why you're doing this.
Well, it's a great cause.
And we just wanna show the
world that women our age...
We still got game! Whoo!
I'm a breast cancer survivor myself, so
I gotta say thank you, and bless you,
and go on with your bad self.
Hey, I... I gotta go. Um... Gotta
go suit up for the game.
You do that.
See ya later. Thanks for comin'.
You got it.
All right.
She's the real deal.
All right. it's a big turnout, ladies.
Here we go, Florine.
Thanks.
Clementine. Ginger.
Beth. You okay?
I don't think he's comin'.
Oh. Don't worry.
He'll show.
Hi, y'all.
- Who was that?
- My roommate.
My partner.
- That's Jewel?
- Mm-hmm.
Now, go ahead, Ginger.
All right, ladies.
This is it.
What's more important
than us winning?
Them losin'.
That's right.
Hot Flashes on three.
- One, two, three.
- Hot Flashes!
Yeah.
Get back. Get back!
Yeah. Now get back.
All right.
Come on, Flo.
Come on.
Come on, Beth.
No, no, no!
Yes!
All right. Let's go, ladies.
Let's go!
Hands up!
All right, Flo.
All right.
Come on, Beth.
You got this.
Go, Clemmy!
Yeah, babe.
You scored, babe!
We'll let Number 7 shoot anytime.
Oh, my God!
Ah!
We are not playin'
a bad game overall.
Even though some of us
aren't hittin' our shots.
Now, no one thought we could
keep up with the state champs.
But this game...
your game...
it's only half over.
Anything can happen
in the second half.
I know this has been hard
on some of ya.
But I also know that you
can rise to the occasion.
Look.
People have been sayin' to me,
you know, those gals of mine,
they're good for their age.
I tell 'em they're wrong.
Those gals of mine,
they are good for any age.
So now, let's get back
out there and-and...
make fun of their acne!
Yeah!
Beth. We can't win this without ya.
Get your head in the game.
Ball's in.
Take it to the hole.
You never did much of that during
our marriage, now, did ya?
Yeah, yeah.
Denied. How's that feel, huh?
Was that good for you?
It was good for me.
You got it, Beth.
- Yes!
- Yeah! There you go.
Whoo!
Injury time-out.
Okay.
Morn!
Mom, are you okay? I'm okay.
I'm all right.
You Okay?
All right, let's go, ladies.
Come on.
All right.
Everybody take a seat.
You sure you're okay?
Yeah. I'm fine.
We need ya out there.
I'm okay.
Roxie.
Okay, ladies, it's
comin' down to the wire.
I'm really proud of y'all.
You're doin' great. We can do this!
Just remember. You gotta rebound, Roxie.
Rebound, rebound, rebound.
Beth, you keep lookin'
for your shot, all right?
Florine, you drive to that basket.
Clementine. Nice leg warmers.
Thanks, Coach.
Remember, Ginger. Butt in the gut.
Butt in the gut.
Got it, Coach.
Morrey. How'd you like
to go out to dinner?
I'd like that.
Okay. All right.
All right, here's what we're
gonna do, okay? Ready?
Now what's gonna happen is, Florine's gonna
take the ball in, drive down the lane.
- Ginger, I want you to sit up and post.
- Why did you do that?
Accidents happen.
Daddy!
Millie did the nasty with
Glenn at the lake last week.
The day after he gave you his ring.
Then she did Bo...
while you were at
the Fun Run Friday.
And I don't even know the correct
term for what she and John Ray did...
while you were teachin'
Bible school.
Oops. Did I say that
out loud?
- Accidents happen.
- Why, you little...
Ball.
Give me the ball!
Hey, I'm Open!
I'm Open!
Go! Go, go, go, go, go!
Get in there, Millie.
Aha! Yes, yes! Yeah.
Yes! You got it.
- Come on, Flashes!
- Go!
Come on, Flashes. Get back, get back.
Get your hands up.
All right.
Go, go, go!
Defense!
Come on!
Pass that ball.
Butterball!
Oh!
Whoo! Yeah!
Daddy!
Oh, there she is. Mmm.
You did such a good job.
You did.
But we lost. I know, but he's here.
It doesn't always go the way we...
He's not going away anymore.
He's gonna be working here now.
- Daddy, really?
- Yeah.
I've missed you so much.
Beth.
Good game.
I'm so proud of you.
How come you didn't come to the
game until the fourth quarter?
You didn't end it with her.
She ended it with you.
What difference does it make who ended it?
It's over.
It's a big difference.
Give me the keys.
Give me the car keys.
You can find your own way home.
It is over.
Beth, face it.
You can't make it all alone.
At your age?
You're right.
I can't.
But I'm not alone.
Hey. Looking good.
Hey, Beth.
Thanks. Bye.
Florine, that is a great picture.
Next stop, governor.
Now that you're an elected
official, can you do something...
about that annoying pothole
down by the church?
I'm sorry.
But Kayla Rash is here to stay.
Bless her heart.
Beth, how is Jocelyn
doin' off at college?
Oh, good. I miss her.
That's the
way it's supposed to be.
In fact, that's gonna be
the title of my next blog.
"Tools For Goin' It Alone."
You might wanna rethink that title.
People are gonna think you're
talkin' about vibrators.
And I would listen to her,
'cause she's an expert.
And proud of it.
Mmm.
Y'all believe that my little Web site
is actually turnin' a nice profit?
Well, how could you lose
with that name?
BethWon'tShutUp.com.
Sort of says it all.
Uh-huh.
- Ooh, ooh, ooh, y'all.
- Ah, y'all.
Would you look at that.
Ooh!
Shall we?
Mm-mm-mm!
A reliable source says
they're livin' together.
Guess they decided to eat
supper before they say grace.
You know what they say?
Once you go small...
- You never go tall.
- Mm-hmm.
Who says that?
Nobody says that.
We say it.
Yeah.
- Don't.
- Don't.
Yee-haw! Howdy, folks.
How you doin'?
We all love Tess.
Motherfu...
I trusted that it's not gonna hit her.
Ready. Ready.
Ooh.
A camera with no filter.
I'm worried.
I'm okay.
Oh, my God!
Look, I'm in a box.
Oh, man.
I can't get out.
Whoo!
All right.
Come on, Armadillos!
Go, number 11!
Good job, Millie!
- Millie, great.
- Ooh-whoo! That is my baby!
That Kayla Rash is a bitch.
Beth.
Jocelyn needs to get along
with Millie Rash on the court,
so keep your comments about her
mom down a decibel, all right?
Block out! We gotta play better
defense! We can do that!
We gotta block out. Ladies, we
have been the state champions.
- Are we gonna let them take that from us?
- No!
I didn't think so.
Let's bring it on in!
Armadillos on three!
One, two, three.
Armadillos!
Come on, defense!
Get them!
Nice pass, Jocelyn!
A" Tight, guys, get 'em!
Watch the clock!
Watch the clock!
Whoa!
Whoa! We smoked 'em!
We smeared 'em! They suck!
Yeah!
Armadillos!
The best of the best!
Yeah!
Mwah!
I'm not supposed to be goin'
through this for a few more years.
Baby, close that door.
It's freezin' outside.
I'm thinkin' of
takin' up a new hobby.
Maybe pottery.
Or a blog.
Everyone says my Facebook
posts are really clever.
I'm still waitin' for you
to finish up your last hobby.
I'm done with the paper, if you
want to take up papier-mach.
- Oh, no.
- What?
They are closing Tess's
breast cancer screening unit.
Tess's Traveling Titty Tester.
Have a little respect.
She was my best friend.
Wow. It says they are...
"discontinuing services
due to a lack of funding."
Well, how can that be? Tess left them all
that money. I filed the paperwork myself.
It wasn't that much money,
and it's been three years
since she died.
But the state
was gonna match the money.
It should've lasted
longer than this.
Well, call her husband and see
if he knows anything about it.
He's too busy movin' his new bride out of
her sorority house to care about this.
You know, this is Tess's legacy.
I cannot just sit by and do
nothin', like a lazy eye.
Are you closin'?
I can stay if you need a screening.
No. I'm just a concerned citizen.
I read in the paper that
y'all are closing for good?
Shame about the mix-up
with our state funding.
What mix-up?
Well, her money could've
lasted a lot longer...
'cause whoever filed the paperwork didn't
read that you have to reapply every year.
Too bad. I might be
out of a job myself.
I've gotten so attached
to Burning Bush.
I belong to the square
dancing group here.
Oh, speaking of which, I would
love to stay and visit,
but if I don't leave now, I'll end
up having to do-si-do with a girl...
'cause all the men'll be taken.
I hate that. Bye.
Anyone who says...
that menopause isn't the most
divine time in a woman's life...
is a pessimist.
I carry a cattle prod
from my husband's ranch...
in my purse at all times,
so when a pessimistic thought about
menopause comes into my head,
I give myself a teensy zap.
This is the time of your life...
when your inner goddess emerges.
Mm-hmm.
And I'm not talkin' about some
New Age pagan kind of goddess.
I am talking about
a Judeo-Christian goddess.
And you no longer have to worry
about getting pregnant...
or getting whistled at by those
handsome, young ranch hands.
Menstruation is overrated.
Hot flash, missy?
Hot flashes.
Mood swings.
Achy joints.
Oh, yes.
Frequent urination.
It's all good.
Hello?
May I speak with Beth Humphrey?
This is Beth.
This is Liz Hulsey from the
State Department of Health.
I got your message about
Tess Muldoon Mobile Unit.
I am thrilled when a generous
donor like you calls,
especially with
our budget cuts.
Donor? Oh, no, no, no, no.
I just, um...
How much money would it cost to get
the mobile unit back in operation?
Let's see. 25,000 would cover the
costs for the rest of the year...
if you reapplied for
state-matchin' funds right away.
25,000?
Oh, Lord! I can't...
I can't afford 2,500.
Well, darlin', if you figure out how
to raise the money, you let us know.
We'd need it no later
than two months from tomorrow.
Call me if you have
any questions.
Bye-bye.
Bye.
Passes it
quickly over to the right.
Dribbling up to the side corner.
No, no. No, no!
Ah. Mmm.
Beautiful pass!
Hmm.
Yes!
Go. No, no! Oh, come on.
The free throw line.
The first one was good.
Laurence?
Go, go, go, go, go!
No. no! Oh!
Where are your old Burning
Bush High School yearbooks?
They're in the hall closet,
I think. Why?
Just curious.
Ah... Go on! Yeah!
Oh, I love this team.
Tess.
I stumbled across
Laurence's old yearbook,
and I saw that you were on
the basketball team in 1980.
That's when God was still a boy.
I played some in high school.
We didn't make state like y'all, but
I made first team all-district.
Did ya?
Mm-hmm.
You must still
really love basketball.
You haven't missed a game all year.
Mm-mmm.
You can't keep me away
from a Lady Armadillos game.
Well, next time I see you
sittin' by your lonesome,
I'm gonna make you come sit by me.
Well, that'd be sweet.
I try to get my roommate to come,
but she's not into basketball.
I cannot believe
I have not met her yet.
Jewel, right?
Yeah.
She's not here much.
She works over in Jewett.
We're just... roommates.
You know, two single gals sharing
expenses until we meet the right man.
How long y'all been roommates now?
Well, 16 years.
Whoa. That's a lot
of shared expenses.
There's nothing weird about that.
Of course not.
Oh, Ginger, you are the
least weird person I know.
Yee-haw! Howdy, folks!
Come on down!
Hi there! Ginger Peabody.
Nice to meet ya.
Hi. Nice to meet you.
Wait... J... Just let me
get this straight.
You want us to play
a full-court game...
against the Lady Armadillos,
the state champs,
who are 30 years younger than us?
Three games.
What?
If we sell out three games,
we can make 15 grand on concession
stand and admission proceeds.
I figure we can raise the
rest with a bettin' pool.
Hell, men around here
write you off after 40,
so I know they'll bet against us.
All we have to do is bet on
ourselves to win the pool.
That, and win two
out of the three games.
I have not stepped foot on a
basketball court in over 30 years.
So we'll practice.
When people hear that it's for charity,
the whole town will pay to come watch us.
Maybe I don't want the whole town watching
me make a fool of myself playing basketball.
No, I can't do it.
I'm sorry.
I know. Listen, listen.
Just come shoot baskets with us
Thursday night and then decide.
Who's "us"?
Florine.
She's committed.
Absolutely not!
No way, Jose!
Florine, you said you'd
do anything for Tess.
That's just a figure of speech...
like "Break a leg" or "I'm all
ears" or "Have a nice day."
Nobody means those things
literally.
I'm too old to play basketball.
We're all too old to play basketball.
Ginger's committed.
Well, bless Ginger's heart,
but Ginger's not the mayor.
Do you know how hard it is for a black
woman in these parts to get elected mayor?
This town's 90% white.
I'm not saying people here
are behind the times,
but some are still trying to adjust
to Bill Cosby being a doctor.
Are you saying playing
basketball's too black for you?
I'm saying I have
different priorities.
People think just because I took
over this job when J.C. died...
that I don't have what it
takes to get reelected.
Well, I'll prove them wrong by becoming the
first elected black mayor of Burning Bush.
I hate to burst your
civil rights bubble,
but any idiot in this town
who wouldn't vote for you...
'cause you act too black
or come on too strong...
isn't gonna vote for you, period.
Why do you want this job anyway?
You don't even get a proper office.
What do you call this?
J.C. was a damn good
mayor for 10 years.
I intend to honor that
and keep his memory alive.
I understand you wantin'
to honor him and all, but...
Oh, and you'd understand about
losing a husband, would you?
Oh.
Florine, I'm sorry.
Look, I think that you are the
most capable person in this town,
but lately, you've been
pretendin' to be all proper.
But I can see, you need to
get your game on again.
I said no.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have important work to do.
I have to call the paper and let them know
the Little Miss Burning Bush Pageant...
has been postponed due to lice.
Well, we're practicing Thursday
night if you change your mind.
What are you lookin' at, white boy?
You know I am too old
to play basketball.
Beth?
Hey, Roxie.
Hey.
I haven't seen you in ages.
What are you doin' around here?
I came here to ask you to be a
part of somethin' important.
At least, it's important to me.
Look, I'm real flattered
that you asked me,
but my basketball days are over.
Mmm. Mmm.
Wow. This is good.
That's Mary Jane Mud Cake.
Mmm. Come on, Roxie.
You were on a championship
team in high school.
As soon as you get back on the court,
it's all gonna come back to you.
You don't get it, Beth. I didn't
have these babies back then.
I think you look just fine.
Well, thank you,
but you're full of shit.
I do.
And I know that Tito still
thinks you're beautiful.
The only time Tito notices me...
is when I'm blockin' the TV set
when Jennifer Lopez is on.
He'd rather see her big ass
than mine.
You want some more coffee?
Oh, please.
All right.
So I assume you were a post
and Florine a guard.
Now, who was
your other startin' forward?
It was Clemmy Baker.
She's Clementine Winks now.
Coach Slaughter's ex-wife?
Oh, yeah. She's a lot
of people's ex-wife.
Clementine Winks, huh?
I did not recognize her
in the photo.
Well, that's because now she
looks like 40 miles of bad road.
Bad karma, if you ask me.
I think she looks pretty good.
Trust me, Beth. You don't
want her on your team.
Why not?
Let's put it this way.
When she hears the word
"hoedown," she hits the floor.
Okay.
I best be goin'.
Oh.
You didn't like the cake?
No, it was delicious.
I am just... I gotta
save room for dinner.
Oh. You got such
a nice figure, Beth.
Well, maybe us practicin' together,
gettin' in shape for the games...
would be a good way for you
to get your figure back.
I'm sorry, Beth.
I just can't.
Well, we are practicin'
Thursday night...
if you change your mind.
Basketball.
That's a great idea, raising
money for Tess's memory.
You know, she was the only one who
didn't turn on me in high school.
When my fourth marriage ended,
she showed up at my house
with a U-Haul to help me move.
And she was going through radiation
and chemo at the same time.
Bald as a baby's bottom.
Well, I had no idea.
Yeah.
She was really somethin'.
I hope this goes well for y'all.
Well, we want you
to be on the team.
I can't.
Why not?
Well, a certain high school
girls' basketball coach.
I heard it was messy.
Oh, honey, you don't know
the half of it.
That skank humiliated me
in divorce court.
Took the house and didn't have
to pay a dime in alimony.
27.50.
No, I'm not gonna lose
to him again.
Who says we're gonna lose?
Has your elevator stopped
going to the top floor?
Thanks, but no, thanks.
Well, we're practicin' Thursday night
at 7:30 if you change your mind.
And remember, this is for Tess.
Bye.
Shannon, will you quit readin'
that thing and get back to work.
It's not like this job is hard.
Well, I'm goin' for a smoke break.
Okay.
They're your lungs.
They are.
Mom?
Mom?
What are you doing here?
I'm meeting with Coach Slaughter
to schedule the games.
Oh, God. I can't believe you're
really serious about this.
I mean, personally, Mrs. H.,
I just wanna say...
I think it is so brave that y'all are
gettin' back out on the court...
after all these years.
Well, thank you, Millie.
Mom, have you thought about the physical
shape you need to be in to do this?
Of course.
I'm givin' us time to train.
Well, I mean, I know we're all
really looking forward to it.
So are we.
See ya on the court.
Oh, my God.
I cannot believe that your mom
is actually gonna do that!
I'm so embarrassed.
I mean, I would die.
I actually would just die.
It would benefit the mobile unit.
Tess's Traveling Titty Tester?
Mrs. Humphrey, I have my
reputation to think about.
It took me years to whip
my girls into winners.
They may be girls,
but they're still champs.
And you don't follow up a state championship
with a touchy-feely game like this...
even if it is for a good cause.
Mind if I dip?
No.
Yeah. Clementine said you'd be
afraid she might beat you again.
What does my ex-wife
have to do with this?
Oh. Didn't I mention?
She's on our team.
All the more reason to steer clear.
That woman's trouble.
Wait a minute. What do you mean I'd
be afraid she'd beat me again?
You know, with the
divorce trial and all.
I won that one...
in the eyes of the court
and of the Lord.
You know how people gossip.
Some are bound to believe her and
think that you won't play us...
'cause you're afraid
you might lose.
Afraid of losing to her?
That lazy tramp smokes
a pack a day!
Let's hope the school board doesn't
think that you're afraid...
to play a lazy tramp
who smokes a pack a day.
Beth?
You and your ladies...
And I use that term loosely
considering Clementine's involved...
are gonna have to stay within
20 points of me and my girls...
in this first game.
Otherwise, there won't be
a second or a third.
Thank you.
It's a deal.
I know you mean well,
but it's a crazy idea.
Look, Beth.
I don't want you to embarrass
yourself or your daughter.
Well, may the best girl win.
Mom, you're not a girl!
No matter how immature
you're actin' lately.
What are you talkin' about?
Are you embarrassed?
Mortified is more like it.
Why can't you just support me?
When Hillary Clinton ran for
president, Chelsea was right there.
The wind beneath her wings.
Hillary didn't run against Chelsea.
And she lost.
Beth, look.
We know you, baby.
You'll talk, talk,
talk this all over town.
And then, when you see
how hard it is...
or how not enough people
show up for the first game,
you'll lose interest and quit, like
you quit all your other hobbies.
What makes you think
not enough people will show up?
Baby. Well, you aren't exactly
leading ladies anymore.
Hey, y'all.
Hey, Mill.
Good mornin'.
When we get in there,
don't sit behind her hair.
We won't be able
to see the preacher.
Hey!
Am I too late?
Of course not.
The others must be
runnin' late too.
Hey, Ginger, thanks for comin'.
Ah. My roommate Jewel's
mammogram at the mobile unit...
may have saved her life.
I'm sorry, Ginger.
I didn't know.
Ah, it's okay.
They caught it early.
Hey. Sorry I'm late.
You got room for these
saddlebags in here?
Howdy.
Hey, Ginger. How you doin'?
Pretty good.
P.S. I'm not wearin' no gym shorts.
Okay. Oh!
God! Damn!
Excuse me.
Is this the WNBA tryout?
Ladies, y'all know Clementine.
Sure do.
Okay.
We're gonna take it slow.
Oh.
Looks like someone remembers
how to handle a ball.
Honey, I always remember
how to handle balls.
- Slut.
- Lard ass.
Line up.
Hey, where's Florine?
- I thought you said she was committed.
- Yeah.
She is.
Whoo!
Whoa, right there!
Thank... you!
Yee-haw! Thank you.
I'm Florine Clarkston.
I'm runnin' for mayor.
I hope I can count
on your vote for mayor.
What?
I'm running for mayor!
I prefer mustard.
Don't forget to vote.
Vote for Flo.
Beth. I didn't know
you square danced.
I didn't know that this was a
stop on the campaign trail.
Well, I just want the retired
folks in town to know...
that I will have their best
interests at heart as mayor.
What about the interests
of the women in town?
You know, if you joined our team,
you might actually have fun.
I'm sure y'all only remember the
fun of high school basketball.
What are you talking about?
During the play-offs
against Jasper,
the fans called me "Jumpin' Jigaboo"
throughout the entire game.
Well, most of those folks
wouldn't know shit from Shinola.
And I bet none of them
are running for mayor now.
I just wanted to let you know we're
practicing again tomorrow, 3:00.
I'll think about it.
Yippee! Ha-cha! Ha! Ha!
Oh, honey, nobody wants
to see your do-si-do.
Bless her heart.
Hi. Remember me?
I couldn't help but overhear.
If you need a team manager,
I'm here to help.
All right, y'all.
Let's start practice.
- Here you go.
- Oh, thank you.
Hey, y'all.
Sorry I'm late.
Whoo! Whoo.
What the hell is that?
It's chocolate cheesecake, so we
don't all get low blood sugar.
That's not your, uh, special cannabis
chocolate cheesecake, is it?
No. It's just regular
old chocolate cheesecake.
It's fit for a Baptist.
Ginger!
Whoo!
Hey! Whoop.
Hey! Ha-ha!
Our fifth player is here.
I'm not here to play.
I'm here to talk you out
of this harebrained idea.
Look, we're all smart women.
I'm sure we can think of
another way to raise money.
How 'bout a bake sale, or one
of those silent auctions?
Take off those ridiculous shoes
and get out here with us.
You're not here
to play, huh, Florine?
You could've phoned in
your half-baked sale idea.
Well, if you're not gonna play,
I can call Charlotte Smoot.
I think she may be runnin'
for mayor this year.
Charlotte Smoot.
You gotta be kiddin' me.
I could run circles around
Charlotte Smoot on the court.
Bless her heart.
Oh, yeah?
Whoa! Ho-ho!
- Yeah!
- You still got it!
Ha-ha! Ladies, I believe
we have our startin' lineup.
Whoo! What are we gonna
call our team?
Oh, man. I never even
thought of a name.
Hey. Can you throw me a towel?
Whoo!
Got a warm front rollin' in, Roxie?
- Uh-huh.
- Your own personal tropical splendor?
Hey. That's it. That's
the name of our team.
Tropical Splendor?
The Hot Flashes.
Personally, I have never
experienced a hot flash.
- You're such a liar!
- Oh, really?
Get outta here
with your bullshit.
Hey, Kayla.
Hi, Beth.
Millie told me about this,
and I think it's great you ladies
will be taking on the Armadillos.
You do?
Oh. Uh-huh.
I was always too delicate
for sports myself.
Mmm.
I wanted to ask how you're gonna be
handlin' the concession proceeds.
I assume the church will be splittin' 'em
with the band, like with all the games.
You know, as church secretary,
I just want to make sure we're
singin' from the same hymnal.
Sorry, Kayla. All the proceeds
are goin' to the mobile unit.
I have to find my husband.
No problem.
I have a package.
Honey.
Hello, Laurence!
Afternoon, ladies.
Honey, I hung up two posters,
but I thought it'd be okay...
since I am sleeping
with the postmaster.
Uh...
Well, since it's for
a good cause, all right.
There is more
than one good cause...
that could benefit here.
I would love to stay
and shoot the bull,
but then I'd be a widow.
I wanna finish hanging the posters
in town so I can get to practice.
Later, y'all.
See you at home.
Toodle-oo!
What can I do for you?
Hello?
Hello?
You know, I'm no longer
licensed by the state of Texas.
I'm not here about a pet.
You want me to coach basketball?
I think you'd be perfect
for our team.
And why exactly did you choose me?
My acumen
for slam-dunkin'?
You love basketball. I've seen
you at lots of the games.
And like I said, this is for Tess.
She said you were amazing when
she had to put Reba down.
Yeah? Well, did she also
tell you why I lost my license?
If it's any consolation,
I think you were brave...
to kidnap those dogs
just to brush their teeth.
Well, aren't I
a lucky little bastard?
I must be the only one in town who likes
basketball and got along with Tess.
I chose you because you're
a little person and a felon.
And lots of people are scared of
you for one of those reasons.
And I chose you 'cause Tess
said you were compassionate.
And I chose you 'cause I didn't
think anybody else would do it.
I accept your little coaching job.
By the way, you had me at "felon."
Ahh!
Ah!
All right. Now, Ginger, you stepped
in and you had great position,
but you gotta box out strong.
Gotta put your butt in it good.
And, Florine, stop worrying
about your hair.
I have to go all the way
to Waco for my hair.
Those little girls over
at Maybelle's Beauty Parlor,
they have no idea what
to do with this hair.
All right.
Let's do this again.
And, Roxie, try to hit
the rim this time.
Well, I had no idea you were an
expert at reboundin', Coach.
Roxie Adams,
you are so effin' rude!
Excuse me! It's Roxie Rosales
for the past 27 years!
And what's rude is sleepin'
with other people's husbands!
It was 30 years ago,
and you weren't married.
I had a ring on my friggin' finger!
A class ring.
Oh, no, wait. Actually, it looked a
little bit more like a Cracker Jack ring.
Well, if you weren't out all
night parked with my Tito...
the night before
our big game at Elkhart,
we might've gone undefeated
senior year.
And maybe if you were eating more
Mr. Rosales and less Mr. Goodbar,
he wouldn't have looked elsewhere.
I am gonna rip those worn-out
nipples right off of you!
Bring it on!
Hey, hey, hey!
Don't touch me, girl!
Hey! Stop it!
Stop it right now!
Everybody! Sideline! Now!
Get off!
Bitch!
Hey!
I feel like it's my
responsibility as your coach...
to tell you this.
You'll never win if you keep beatin'
the hell out of each other!
There's only room
for one enemy now,
and that's the Armadillos.
Those girls... they are
younger and they are faster.
That's a fact of life.
So we need to use
our innate abilities.
- Like what?
- I... I don't know.
It could be...
it could be anything.
What do y'all have that they don't?
Lazy husbands?
Okay. Uh, it's a start.
- A cynical attitude.
- Now we're talkin'.
A weldin' license.
What?
I got it after Flashdance came out.
Everybody was gettin' 'em.
A higher tolerance for alcohol.
Tattoo coverin' a C-section scar.
Nonexistent gag reflex.
Okay, okay. We just need
to figure out...
how to take full advantage
of these assets.
Sure, we gotta abide
by what the ref says,
but other than that,
there are no rules here.
What are you suggestin'?
Sayin', if mama wants to win,
mama might have to get her
hands a little dirty.
Here you go. Thank you.
Good luck.
Hey, hey, hey, Roy!
Wow. Roxie.
What's the occasion?
No occasion.
Since you had to sell your Harley,
you don't ride with us anymore.
I just don't get
to see you that much.
If I remember correctly,
my Purple Haze Pecan Pie
was your favorite.
Oh, you got that right.
Hey, how's business goin', Roy?
Oh, not so good. I gotta put in twice
the number of hours just to get by.
Yeah. I heard you had to take on a
second job just to help pay the bills.
What was that?
I referee basketball games.
That's right.
Yeah.
Oh, well. Here ya go, Roy.
You enjoy that now. Okay?
Oh, hello, old friend.
Thank you, Roxie!
All right. I want to see some
tough broads out here today!
Let's go!
Come on, Clementine!
Let's go.
Go. Boom, boom!
Get those hips moving.
Get that ball around that hip.
Lift 'em!
To the left! To the left!
Shotgun!
To the right!
To the right! Shotgun!
Go! Get 'em up there!
Get those knees up!
Let's go!
Quick! Quick! Quick!
Quick! Quick! Quick!
Quick! Quick!
Bitch!
Come on! Let me see you flow with me!
Come on! Finger shift.
Finger shift.
Hey, y'all.
Hi.
No one is bettin'
in the bettin' pool.
We have less than 200 bucks.
No.
Maybe, if we just kick
ass in the first game,
more people will show up
for the second one.
Well, our uniforms
are gonna be winners.
Look what Roxie designed
and Ginger had printed up.
Oh, Roxie!
You're so talented!
I know.
Oh, it's funny. I've spent
half my life as a housewife...
and totally suck
at sewin' and cookin'.
What have I been doin'
all these years?
Beth, you've been
raisin' a daughter.
And taking care of a husband.
Well, I'm not too sure about that.
Beth, everything okay
with you and Laurence?
I don't know.
But I should be grateful
that he puts up with me.
I don't know what I'd do
if he didn't.
Oh, God. Don't
be grateful for that.
You know what you do if a husband
walks out on you? Lock the door.
I wouldn't take relationship
advice from her.
Oh, shut up.
Uh-uh-uh.
I look at Jocelyn, and I know we
at least did one thing right.
Mmm. Count your blessings, Beth.
Not all of 'em turn out that good.
Hey, Mrs. H.
Hey, y'all.
Oh, my goodness.
Your uniforms are so cute.
You know, it was real smart of y'all to get
T-shirts that cover the back of your arms.
Watch your mouth,
Millie Rash.
I mean, they all probably wanna
cover up as much as they can...
just to make sure one of their
teammates doesn't check them out.
Whoo! Look at the time. I have
gotta go let the dogs out.
My roommate's still at work.
So I'll see y'all later.
Bye, Ginger.
Bye, Ginger.
Take care, Ginger.
By the way, have y'all met
her roommate Jewel?
I've never once laid eyes on her.
It's kinda like she's embarrassed
by her or somethin'.
Maybe she's got a wonky eye.
Come on, y'all.
It's obvious.
We haven't met her because
Ginger's not ready to come out.
I mean, Burning Bush isn't
exactly Brokeback Mountain.
Execute a full fake...
and take one hard dribble
in the opposite direction.
That supposed to be a jab step,
pump fake?
I didn't hear you come in.
Give me the Butterball.
I'll show you.
See, the trick is in your
waist, not your feet.
Yeah.
Works best when a player's made a bunch of
points from a particular spot on the court.
Defense won't be
expecting the fake.
I don't think we should
be discussing the game.
Coach says that I'm supposed to
look at y'all like the enemy.
Oh, okay. Well, I guess the enemy
doesn't need to help with dinner.
Hmm.
Is that rap music
you're listening to?
It's vintage
Salt-N-Pepa.
It's not rap rap.
Oh, my God!
Well, what's it look like out there?
I have seen more people
in a minivan.
Tito's not even here. And he
doesn't have anywhere else to go.
Well, what's it look like
in the bettin' pool?
There's only about $400 in there.
Oh!
Maybe Laurence was right.
Maybe nobody wants to see a bunch of
middle-aged women play basketball.
How can we raise any money
if nobody's bettin' against us?
Hey!
We still got a job to do tonight.
Gotta go out there and show
this town what we're made of.
What town?
Nobody's even here.
Have you all forgotten
what's at stake here?
Our dignity?
Oh, hell. You... You're forcing me to go all
Lifetime television for women on you now.
My aunt... Aunt Rowena...
she, uh... she died
of breast cancer.
She lived in a little Podunk
town hours away from a doctor...
or a decent strip club.
If the town had a mobile unit,
then maybe they would have caught it
early, and she'd still be here today.
Is that true?
Only a really small man would lie
about somethin' really big like that.
Now, am I the only one not ready
to give up on this mobile unit?
No.
Then what are we all waitin' for?
Gene Hackman to show up?
Let's go!
Hit it.
Where's Roy? He's supposed
to be reffin' this game.
Ate some bad clams.
All right.
Let's go, ladies! Let's go!
Yes!
Air ball.
Airhead!
One.
Whoo!
Come on. Pick it up!
Yeah! Kinda like shootin'
fish in a barrel!
Fight, fight, fight!
That one's mine, girls.
Hey!
Whoa!
Clemmy! Wide open!
Wide open!
What the...
God!
Yeah! Good one! Whoo-hoo!
Who would've thought that?
Oh!
Yes, sir!
There we go!
There we go!
I like that!
Nice pick, Jocelyn.
Good shootin', Millie.
All right. Here we go.
All right, ladies.
No mercy, all right?
Look, I don't wanna be comin'
back here for no game two.
All right. Come on, ladies.
We can do this!
If we don't get within 20 points,
the mobile unit is history.
Come on.
Hot Flashes on three!
One, two, three!
Hot Flashes!
Yeah!
Go, Florine!
Roxie! Put it in!
Go ahead! Go ahead!
Whoa!
Hit the rope! Come on!
Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Yes!
Let's go! Let's go!
Let's go! Let's go!
Let's go, Florine. Come on!
Oh, my God.
Oh!
Yeah!
She tried to feel me up!
What'd she say?
What?
That's a lie.
Millie.
Oops.
Why'd you say that?
Chillax.
I was just jokin'.
Good game.
Good game, good game.
Good game, good game, good game.
Good game.
Good game.
Well, at least you said
somethin' about that heathen.
Did you see her face?
Oh, hi, Beth.
Looks like you get to
continue your little match.
Good game.
Would've been if your daughter hadn't
pulled that stunt with Ginger.
Oh. It was a joke.
Besides, the whole town
knows that Ginger is...
that kind.
If your daughter
can't accept others,
at least you can teach her
some tolerance.
Isn't tolerance just
a fancy way of sayin'...
that we're puttin' up with
somethin' that we know is wrong?
How 'bout some basic respect?
Millie respects the Bible.
Yeah.
It's real specific.
Oh. Well, as long as
we're talkin' specifics,
I believe the Bible's real clear about
what you and Darryl Lee were doin'...
at the mini golf course last week.
If you say one more derogatory
thing about Ginger,
I got a real juicy Facebook
post waitin' to go out...
telling everybody in town how our
miniature golf course now has a 19th hole.
See y'all in church.
Don't you threaten my daughter!
You think you're such hot
stuff around here, don't you?
You and your foulmouthed team are
a bad influence on those girls.
Oh, we'll see who
this community listens to.
Come on, Millie!
Darryl Lee?
Young lady, you are so grounded!
Hey, baby.
Mm-mm-mm.
Why don't you let me
lick those fingers for ya?
We got any more of
that 420 flan, baby?
No.
But I think I got
somethin' real sweet...
you might like right here.
Where you goin', baby?
Is she still out there?
Yeah.
Thought she'd be tired
of this by now.
I give her another...
week.
I think this is different, Dad.
Hmm?
She's been staying up
every night practicin'.
I think her whole team is
really serious about this.
Yeah?
Okay.
Uh-huh.
- Hey, baby.
- Where you been?
I've been quail-huntin'
with Dan Metcalf.
It's after 8:00.
I don't wanna argue.
I'm tired.
I found a hair clip in the pickup.
I'm 99% sure it's not Jocelyn's,
and I'm 100% sure it's not mine.
What is this, "Special
Victims Hair Clip Unit?"
Those hormones
are messin' with you.
I'm gonna take a shower
and go to bed.
What's wrong?
You are.
What did I do?
Eavesdropping on my phone conversations
and using it to get Millie grounded?
A mother doesn't eavesdrop.
She pays attention.
And that girl deserved it
after what she did to Ginger.
She and the rest of the team
are barely speakin' to me.
I'm gonna have to write her English
term paper to make it up to her.
Since when are you
and Millie Rash best friends?
She's the most popular girl on my team.
And my team is important to me.
Well, maybe my team's
important to me too.
Your team goes away in two weeks. I'm
with mine for the rest of the year.
Come on, Flo. Let's go.
I-I'll be there.
There's only $1,500
in the betting pool.
Doesn't look like much more
of a turnout tonight.
We'll come up with somethin'.
All right, ladies.
Gather round.
Where's Florine?
All right. I'm ready.
What?
All right. The mobile unit
is ridin' on us tonight.
If we lose this game,
we're not gonna get a third.
If you gals put on
a good show tonight,
they're gonna tell their
friends to come out next game.
It's called "word of mouth."
mind over matter.
If the refs don't mind,
it don't matter.
Hot Flashes on three.
One, two, three!
Hot Flashes!
Hips don't lie, sweetheart.
- That was a foul.
- That's a foul.
It's cool, dude.
What was that?
Get it!
She stepped on her foot.
On her foot!
Yes!
Hey, that's a foul!
Intentional!
Nice hair.
Thank you!
Hello! That was a foul.
What in the Sam Hill?
Oh!
I know how starved you
must be for attention.
I mean, my mama told me how hard it is
to get a husband after a certain age.
Why buy the cow when you
can get the milk for free?
Who needs a husband?
I mean, why buy the pig when all
you need is a little sausage?
Ew.
Score's right.
Cool.
Hot Flashes' ball.
Hey.
I intend to file a complaint
with the referee's association.
And don't pretend you don't
know what I'm talkin' about.
You'll never work
in this state again, dude.
Wow.
Oh, my God!
Whoo!
Let's go, ladies.
Rebound! Rebound!
Get back, ladies.
Come on, come on!
One more. Come on, Flo!
Yeah!
Coach! Did you see that?
I know, I know.
Nice job, ladies! We got some
celebrating to do. Drinks on me!
Whoo! Beautiful shot!
Yeah!
That's the way, Florine!
Whoo!
Whoo!
Beth, where's Laurence? I thought
he was comin' by to celebrate?
No, he had to go back
to the post office. Yeah.
Ever since the layoffs, he has just
been workin' overtime every night.
Honey, you look like
a million bucks.
Now, you need to go down to that post office
and tempt him with a special delivery.
I am not tempting
him much lately.
Honey, in that dress, you could
tempt most of the men in this town,
including a couple of the women.
Okay, ladies.
To the Hot Flashes!
That was quite a game tonight.
I'm with the Waco Register.
I've seen your posters all over town.
I'm always lookin' for a good story.
Mind if I take
some photos of your team?
Oh, hell. Nobody wants to see a photo of my
big ass in the newspaper. That's for sure.
My name's Clementine Winks.
W-I-N-K-S.
You need some photos?
I do.
Why don't you come here with me, and
I'll tell you how the team got started.
She's like a
gopher in soft dirt.
We could use the publicity. Get
some people out for the last game.
Next round on me.
I sold the pickup today.
Hey!
Hey, hey, hey!
Good girl!
Hey, none for me.
I'm drivin' home.
Oh, can I get a ride?
The post office is on the way.
I think I might actually
surprise Laurence tonight.
Good for you!
See if his tipsy wife can tempt him now.
Hey, Beth. Don't forget,
you're still in training.
You gotta save some of that
energy for the last game.
Aye, aye, sir.
- Here you go, boss.
- Adios, amiga!
Yeah.
I'm gonna ride you like a pony!
Come on!
Watch out.
Uh-oh.
Butt in the gut. Butt in the gut.
Oh! Hey.
That is not my gut!
Ah!
Have a great time!
Thank you. Great
game tonight, girl!
See ya tomorrow!
Seal that envelope.
Where's your stamp?
Look for the stamp.
- Track and confirmed.
- I like it.
Oh, no, don't you go express.
Not this time.
Yes!
Put your bulk mail in me.
Go postal on me!
Oh. Oh!
What was that?
What was that?
Beth.
Beth! Open the door.
I don't wanna wake Jocelyn.
I need to talk to you.
Beth, please.
Open the door.
I can explain.
Beth, please.
Looks like somebody celebrated
a little too hard last night.
Yeah. Guess I'm not
as young as I used to be.
Bacon's supposed to
be good for hangovers.
I don't wanna be late for school.
Bye, Dad.
Bye-bye, baby.
Good-bye, Jocelyn.
I don't know what to say.
Why her?
Do you love her?
Be honest with me. I deserve that.
Do you love her?
What about her husband?
He's away, workin' on an oil rig.
Oh, isn't that convenient for
you both. Do you love her?
- We'll talk when you calm down.
- You come back here!
Every time you don't wanna hear somethin',
you just walk away or you ignore me.
Beth, what do you want me to say?
That spark we used to have? I wanna
feel it more than once a year.
I'm too young
to feel this damn old.
When you sink a three-pointer for
the Hot Flashes, you feel 18 again.
That's how I feel with her.
She's not comin'.
Why?
We know you're in there.
Did y'all know about her?
No.
No. Of course not.
We didn't know, Beth.
But we know you're gonna
get through this.
Mm-mmm.
I think he's gonna leave me.
Yeah. When Jocelyn goes off to college.
And I'll be totally alone.
You will not be totally alone.
You've got us.
You got a whole posse now, girl.
I'm afraid my basketball
days are over.
But you can't quit now.
Hey. Listen. Havin' a pity party
isn't gonna help anything.
Believe me, honey, I know.
I thought takin' on those
girls might help Laurence...
see me the way he used to.
Whatever happens
between you and Laurence,
he can't take this away from you.
This was your idea.
Y'all should know that I'm the reason
why the mobile unit ran out of money.
I forgot to reapply
for the matching funds.
I never told you 'cause I
was so ashamed.
You don't get it, Beth.
This whole thing is so much
bigger than you are now.
Didn't you read the story
in the Waco paper today?
All right. Read it to her.
Let me see.
Blah, blah, blah.
"Word has spread like wildfire
across the Internet...
about the Burning Bush Hot Flashes.
And several similar basketball
teams of middle-aged women...
have sprung up around Texas to
raise money for breast cancer,
including the Waco Mood Swings,
the Crawford Crying Fits and the
Plano Night Sweats."
You see, Beth. If you quit, you
wouldn't just be quittin' on yourself.
You would be quittin' on all of us.
Come on, Beth.
Come on, Beth.
- Come on, Beth.
- Beth.
The gym is closed.
You ladies might as well
turn around and go home.
We're fixin' to practice.
Sorry. But you're banned
from playin' on school property.
What?
Who banned us?
The school board.
They said your whole team...
was a bad influence
on the kids of Burning Bush.
They had a page-long list
of improprieties.
What fucking improprieties?
Hey.
What about our final game?
Canceled.
What?
I'm not exactly thrilled to have our
last game of the season be a loss...
to an inferior team,
but the school board
has made up its mind.
The gym is locked.
Ooh.
I hate that man.
We have to let them know
that this is wrong.
And how we gonna do that?
I don't know.
They have their weekly meeting tomorrow
night. I'll think of somethin'.
Miss Humphrey, I'm afraid
you're wasting your time.
We discussed this at length
before we voted.
What did we do that
was so horrible?
Smokin'. Bribing referees.
Promotin' homosexuality.
And excessive profanity.
Okay, so maybe we made
some folks uncomfortable,
but if we promise to be
on our best behavior...
in the last game,
would you take another vote?
These are serious grievances. Now,
we've made our decision. We're sorry.
Now, if you don't mind, we have a
lot of other business to discuss,
and we'd like to get home to
our families before midnight.
Oh, it's funny you should
mention your families.
Your wives, Frida, Fay,
Jodelle, Lanette, Sissy.
They were all high
school cheerleaders.
Yeah. So?
So, don't you think you ought
to consider their feelings...
about canceling their last-ever
opportunity to be a cheerleader?
What are you talkin' about?
Well, I called each of
'em on my way here.
They were awfully excited about
doin' a half-time performance.
Oh, you're talkin' crazy now.
Well, why don't you call your
wives and ask if it's crazy?
You wouldn't want them findin' out later
that you didn't check in with them...
before cheatin' them
out of this opportunity.
I'll give you gentlemen
a moment of privacy.
Beth.
Do you plan to keep seein' her?
I need to know.
Keep your voice down.
Jocelyn's asleep.
Answer the question.
It's not that simple.
Well, let me simplify it for you.
I'm playin' my last game with
the Hot Flashes Friday night.
If you plan to keep
seein' her, don't come.
I'm as nervous
as a long-tailed cat...
in a room full of rockin' chairs.
I haven't been this nervous since...
State championship game, 1980.
Exactly.
Me neither.
I'm sorry I'm late. Holy crap,
there's a lot of people out there!
Damn. Look at you, hot mama!
Girl.
You got it, you gotta flaunt it.
Ladies! Ladies, we got a packed
house out there tonight.
That bettin' pool is gonna put
us over the $25,000 mark.
Now, we just gotta
go out there and win!
God.
All right. If-If that doesn't
crank your engines...
That little bit
of newspaper publicity we got?
Went viral.
You are not gonna believe
who is out there.
Who?
Good Morning America.
What?
Get out!
Shut up!
Damn.
They wanna shoot a pregame
interview with one of our players.
They're settin' up right now.
So. Who's it gonna be?
Beth. You thought
of this whole thing.
Yeah. Beth.
Yeah.
Come on. Florine,
you're runnin' for mayor.
Ginger, this could do
wonders for your dealership.
Yeah.
You're lookin' pretty hot.
I'm just sayin'.
I think it's gotta be Roxie.
Right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Really?
Damn, girl.
Good Morning America!
Go get 'em, Roxie!
Be sure to join us later this week
when we'll show you the Hot Flashes,
a basketball team comprised
of women of a certain age,
who are taking on
the state high school champs,
to raise money to help save
their local mammogram unit.
So tell us why you're doing this.
Well, it's a great cause.
And we just wanna show the
world that women our age...
We still got game! Whoo!
I'm a breast cancer survivor myself, so
I gotta say thank you, and bless you,
and go on with your bad self.
Hey, I... I gotta go. Um... Gotta
go suit up for the game.
You do that.
See ya later. Thanks for comin'.
You got it.
All right.
She's the real deal.
All right. it's a big turnout, ladies.
Here we go, Florine.
Thanks.
Clementine. Ginger.
Beth. You okay?
I don't think he's comin'.
Oh. Don't worry.
He'll show.
Hi, y'all.
- Who was that?
- My roommate.
My partner.
- That's Jewel?
- Mm-hmm.
Now, go ahead, Ginger.
All right, ladies.
This is it.
What's more important
than us winning?
Them losin'.
That's right.
Hot Flashes on three.
- One, two, three.
- Hot Flashes!
Yeah.
Get back. Get back!
Yeah. Now get back.
All right.
Come on, Flo.
Come on.
Come on, Beth.
No, no, no!
Yes!
All right. Let's go, ladies.
Let's go!
Hands up!
All right, Flo.
All right.
Come on, Beth.
You got this.
Go, Clemmy!
Yeah, babe.
You scored, babe!
We'll let Number 7 shoot anytime.
Oh, my God!
Ah!
We are not playin'
a bad game overall.
Even though some of us
aren't hittin' our shots.
Now, no one thought we could
keep up with the state champs.
But this game...
your game...
it's only half over.
Anything can happen
in the second half.
I know this has been hard
on some of ya.
But I also know that you
can rise to the occasion.
Look.
People have been sayin' to me,
you know, those gals of mine,
they're good for their age.
I tell 'em they're wrong.
Those gals of mine,
they are good for any age.
So now, let's get back
out there and-and...
make fun of their acne!
Yeah!
Beth. We can't win this without ya.
Get your head in the game.
Ball's in.
Take it to the hole.
You never did much of that during
our marriage, now, did ya?
Yeah, yeah.
Denied. How's that feel, huh?
Was that good for you?
It was good for me.
You got it, Beth.
- Yes!
- Yeah! There you go.
Whoo!
Injury time-out.
Okay.
Morn!
Mom, are you okay? I'm okay.
I'm all right.
You Okay?
All right, let's go, ladies.
Come on.
All right.
Everybody take a seat.
You sure you're okay?
Yeah. I'm fine.
We need ya out there.
I'm okay.
Roxie.
Okay, ladies, it's
comin' down to the wire.
I'm really proud of y'all.
You're doin' great. We can do this!
Just remember. You gotta rebound, Roxie.
Rebound, rebound, rebound.
Beth, you keep lookin'
for your shot, all right?
Florine, you drive to that basket.
Clementine. Nice leg warmers.
Thanks, Coach.
Remember, Ginger. Butt in the gut.
Butt in the gut.
Got it, Coach.
Morrey. How'd you like
to go out to dinner?
I'd like that.
Okay. All right.
All right, here's what we're
gonna do, okay? Ready?
Now what's gonna happen is, Florine's gonna
take the ball in, drive down the lane.
- Ginger, I want you to sit up and post.
- Why did you do that?
Accidents happen.
Daddy!
Millie did the nasty with
Glenn at the lake last week.
The day after he gave you his ring.
Then she did Bo...
while you were at
the Fun Run Friday.
And I don't even know the correct
term for what she and John Ray did...
while you were teachin'
Bible school.
Oops. Did I say that
out loud?
- Accidents happen.
- Why, you little...
Ball.
Give me the ball!
Hey, I'm Open!
I'm Open!
Go! Go, go, go, go, go!
Get in there, Millie.
Aha! Yes, yes! Yeah.
Yes! You got it.
- Come on, Flashes!
- Go!
Come on, Flashes. Get back, get back.
Get your hands up.
All right.
Go, go, go!
Defense!
Come on!
Pass that ball.
Butterball!
Oh!
Whoo! Yeah!
Daddy!
Oh, there she is. Mmm.
You did such a good job.
You did.
But we lost. I know, but he's here.
It doesn't always go the way we...
He's not going away anymore.
He's gonna be working here now.
- Daddy, really?
- Yeah.
I've missed you so much.
Beth.
Good game.
I'm so proud of you.
How come you didn't come to the
game until the fourth quarter?
You didn't end it with her.
She ended it with you.
What difference does it make who ended it?
It's over.
It's a big difference.
Give me the keys.
Give me the car keys.
You can find your own way home.
It is over.
Beth, face it.
You can't make it all alone.
At your age?
You're right.
I can't.
But I'm not alone.
Hey. Looking good.
Hey, Beth.
Thanks. Bye.
Florine, that is a great picture.
Next stop, governor.
Now that you're an elected
official, can you do something...
about that annoying pothole
down by the church?
I'm sorry.
But Kayla Rash is here to stay.
Bless her heart.
Beth, how is Jocelyn
doin' off at college?
Oh, good. I miss her.
That's the
way it's supposed to be.
In fact, that's gonna be
the title of my next blog.
"Tools For Goin' It Alone."
You might wanna rethink that title.
People are gonna think you're
talkin' about vibrators.
And I would listen to her,
'cause she's an expert.
And proud of it.
Mmm.
Y'all believe that my little Web site
is actually turnin' a nice profit?
Well, how could you lose
with that name?
BethWon'tShutUp.com.
Sort of says it all.
Uh-huh.
- Ooh, ooh, ooh, y'all.
- Ah, y'all.
Would you look at that.
Ooh!
Shall we?
Mm-mm-mm!
A reliable source says
they're livin' together.
Guess they decided to eat
supper before they say grace.
You know what they say?
Once you go small...
- You never go tall.
- Mm-hmm.
Who says that?
Nobody says that.
We say it.
Yeah.
- Don't.
- Don't.
Yee-haw! Howdy, folks.
How you doin'?
We all love Tess.
Motherfu...
I trusted that it's not gonna hit her.
Ready. Ready.
Ooh.
A camera with no filter.
I'm worried.
I'm okay.
Oh, my God!
Look, I'm in a box.
Oh, man.
I can't get out.
Whoo!