The Hottie & the Nottie (2008) Movie Script

You know the girl.
Your first real vision of beauty.
The one that all other girls
have to measure up to.
Class, we have a new student today.
Her name is Cristabell.
Everyone say hi to Cristabell.
Hi, Cristabell.
The heavens opened.
And that was it.
The moment I first fell in love.
You know the girl.
The one you run to so you can
breathlessly declare
your undying love.
But things don't always work out
the way you think they will...
...when you're six years old.
She cries at commercials by AT&T.
She sobs at the videos on MTV.
But she says it's got nothing
to do with me...
She's just an emotional girl.
She rips off my suits and
cuts off the sleeves.
And shaves my head while
I'm fast asleep.
Sometimes I feel
she's the princess
and I'm just the pea...
And she's just an emotional girl.
Just an emotional...
You want the guitar?
Is... is everything okay... honey?
You just don't get it, do you.
I don't know.
Your songs, which suck,
by the way...
Are always about things I did.
They're not about you being
in love with me.
They're always about lalalalala
Jane shaved my head.
But you did.
And it's fine.
We can laugh about it now,
sweetie.
Why do you think
I spray painted your car?
And I know this one.
Because you were mad?
I'm leaving...
And I'm taking my drawer.
Fuck this.
For all I've put up with,
I seem to deserve better
than this.
Jane... okay, okay, um...
- Listen, listen, listen...
- What?
Are you going to keep
the actual drawer?
- You're an asshole!
- No. Okay, okay, okay.
You can keep it.
I just don't know what to do
with the rest of it
Come on.
Okay... Jane, you see?
I came all the way
down the stairs.
Stop. Please, please,
please stop. Wait.
Let's talk.
This is not talking.
You don't know what it's
like to be in love with someone
for years and
have absolutely no idea
if they're ever
going to love you back.
You're a loser, Nate Cooper.
And that's when it hit me.
Yes, she may have overreacted...
But Jane was right.
No other girl would ever
make me happy.
Cristabell Abbott was the one.
But how could I have known the
hurdles I would have to overcome.
I have a valentine for you
in my backpack.
We just haven't had a chance to
give ours out yet.
I knew I had to find her.
And I knew just who to go to.
My best friend from first grade.
Who shared in the glories
that were Cristabell
and the art of nose picking.
Arno Blount.
Are you tired of doing
hundreds of abs exercises...
and not getting the flat
stomach you want?
Well, it's time to stop, America...
Because you've been
going the wrong way.
That's right, America.
You've been going the wrong way.
Now there's my Abs Away Pro System.
Designed with reverse abs action.
The fastest, easiest way
to have firm, flat abs.
It's all the same.
My Arno just loves holiday candies.
So we stock them up year round.
They make me feel happy.
Can I get you a Courvoisier
or cocoa?
No thank you, Ms. Blount.
I'm fine.
So you got a degree
in art history, huh?
Uh... yeah.
That means unemployed, right?
- Pretty much, yeah.
- Cool.
Means a lot more time to hang, huh?
- Okay.
- So, you want to know
what happened to Cristabell Abbott.
Well, yeah.
Well, I'm curious to know
how everyone's doing
after all these years.
Everyone... Right.
Well, my friend, you came
to the right place.
Wow, that's Cristabell?
- Yep.
- You know,
"cause usually 13's a bad age.
From the first grade on,
she just got hotter every year.
That's weird.
Dear lord... Oh God.
- Is that... uh...
- June Phigg.
The nottie.
Ooh... nottie?
It's a very well known
law of physics.
The hotness of one girl is
directly proportional
to the ugliness of
her best friend.
Wow. June Phigg.
It's sort of sweet they've
stayed friends all these years.
Sweet?
She's like some hideous dragon
guarding the princess from escape.
What?
In order to
gain access to the hottie
The nottie must be appeased.
You're saying
that June is the reason
why Cristabells still single?
Of course she is!
That, my friend,
is the whole purpose of the nottie.
Cristabell Abbott is the hottest
woman in Los Angeles.
But no man will ever win her heart
without getting past
that monstrosity.
And she will destroy you.
No. No. This is fate.
Fate is the reason
she is still single.
Look. I came 3000 miles
to get this girl
And it's going to take a lot more
than a June Phigg to stop me.
I like your moxie.
Yeah? Good.
You're gonna
need to see the file.
Ma!
Bring out the file!
Coming, precious.
She loves it.
The hottie and her every move.
This whole thing is about
Cristabell Abbott?
You should see the website.
Now, according to my records
She has a two mile jog every
morning past the Santa Monica pier.
She stops
at Danny's Beachside Cafe
for a light breakfast of ice
buttered mocha and fruit salad.
She'll pass the north end of the
pier between 6:15 and 6:18 a. m.
Benches that face the ocean are
the best ones to view her from.
"Cause if you face the other way,
the sun gets in your eyes
.. and you lose the whole thing.
Hey guys.
Here she comes.
Konichiwa. Good morning.
Hi guys.
I love you.
Good morning.
Oh my god, I'm so sorry.
Were you sniffing me?
Sorry.
Hey, aren't you Cristabell Abbott?
- Yeah.
- I think we went to school together.
Back in the first grade.
Were you that guy who used to
put Vienna sausage in his pants?
No. The guy with processed meats
that was Jay Gray.
You're not that kid who used to
stick pencils up his nose, are you?
No, that was my friend, Arno.
Nice guy.
If we went to first grade together,
and Arno only had one friend...
You must be Nate Cooper.
I don't want to alarm you...
but there's
a really creepy albino guy
standing outside the window.
Oh, that's just my stalker,
Randy.
He's completely harmless.
Randall,
that better be 40 feet away.
So where were we?
Right. My job.
I work as an event planner for
this charity group...
which basically means I get to
throw fun parties for a good cause.
Cool.
And... I'm pregnant.
I'm not sure whose it is,
unfortunately.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I'm kidding.
No kids, no boyfriend.
No action of any kind.
Oh, good.
Or not.
So what do you do now?
Or are you still into finger
painting and Smurfs.
No, no I um...
I'm a personal trainer.
You're a personal trainer.
Yeah.
Like a gym?
A lot of people mistake
personal fitness
for being brought up
with road rage.
But who wants adult acne
and a shrunken penis.
Not me.
No, it's a mind, body,
spirit sort of lifestyle.
You are what you eat.
And whatnot.
You should check out my gym.
Actually, my roommate and I are
going there this afternoon for yoga.
So do you want to come?
Absolutely.
My roommate. It's June.
From the first grade.
Wow... June... Yeah.
June's into heath.
She's a vegan.
Everything she eats is non-fat.
Oh... how delicious.
I'm so glad we ran into
each other, Nate.
Me too.
So the gym is at 6th and Ocean.
Here's my number
if you forget the address.
There. Now you can't lose it.
Hey, Cooper.
Hey.
You remember June.
Oh God...
Of course.
Yes. Who could forget the
lovely... June?
- Oh, Jeanette.
- How are you?
- How are you?
- Good to see you.
- You look beautiful.
- Thank you.
Sorry.
Nice.
June and I don't get much action,
so we take what we can get.
Grab a spot.
So Nate here has become a
personal trainer.
Oh, yeah. But you know what?
Enough about me.
June, what do you do?
June's a handler at the zoo.
That's great.
The only downside is I'm
constantly covered in hair.
Not that I don't already have
enough to begin with.
June has a lot of problems
with hair removal.
I have sensitive skin.
Oh.
I mean, I've tried it all...
Shaving, bumps and ingrown
hairs... Nair.
Nasty chemical reaction.
The only thing I can really do
is Joleen Cream-bleach.
You know what?
If you hadn't said anything,
I wouldn't have noticed.
Uh, not that I've noticed now.
I'm not focusing on that at all.
It's natural.
Everybody has it.
Everybody deals with it.
I've got hair.
Okay everyone.
Let's begin with
downward facing dog.
- Adamucha Svenasama.
- Shit.
All right.
And easing into cat pose.
And arching your back.
And moving into downward
facing dog.
Beautiful form, Cristabell.
Oh, that was amazing.
So, Chris,
now that I'm back in town
I thought it'd be wonderful
if maybe you and I could
go out to dinner... maybe.
Yeah, that'd be fun.
Yeah?
But the timing's terrible.
Nate, it probably won't come as
a huge surprise to you...
But June's never had a boyfriend.
- No.
- Yeah.
And all through school,
I went out with any guy who asked.
I didn't know the meaning
of the word "no'.
Sounds like I shouldn't
have left town then.
That's why I made
a promise to myself.
I'm not going to date
anyone again
till June has someone special
in her life.
Wow.
That is... admirable.
But that could be a very,
very long time.
It's just... the hard part
is going without the sex.
Don't take it personally, Coopie.
You're a great guy.
And if things were different...
Who knows?
I gotta go.
But maybe I'll see you later.
- Yeah. I'll see you... later.
- Goodbye.
She's not only smoking hot...
She's also extremely horny.
And for some unknown reason,
I think she likes me.
I've got to find a guy for June.
There's somebody out there
for her.
There's someone for everyone.
Boys!
Mom. Nate thinks he can
fix up the nottie.
She's got fur on her toes.
Mom!
I understand she has a little
problem with hair removal.
Has she tried the new lasers?
Worked great on my bikini line.
Grew back in like peach fuzz.
That's true.
But what are you going to do?
Laser her whole body?
I mean, you have any idea
what kind of radiation
that would entail?
What if I tell her that
she won a makeover?
Send her to a spa, pretty her up.
Somebody'll take her.
- Please.
- You want to flip this chick
you're gonna have to do a lot
more than just mow the lawn.
I got it!
What if I pay somebody
to go out with her?
Pause.
Look, you think I
haven't been trying?
All right.
This isn't about a single date.
This is about somebody special
in her life, okay?
And you ain't got that
kind of blood money, my man.
Arno.
The history of mankind
is filled with men saying
that something cannot be done.
who are frequently interrupted by
someone who is already doing it.
What does that even mean?
I don't know.
I saw it on your wall back there.
That is a beautiful blouse.
Thank you. I don't even know
what they're made of,
but they're wonderful.
Thanks. He's sweet.
The reason I asked you
to meet me here...
- And like I said...
- It's not a date. I know.
I couldn't even think about
selfish desires like that.
I am just too concerned
about June.
You've really been thinking
about June.
Yeah.
That's so sweet.
And I gotta tell you
I am sickened by the fact
that none of these narrow
minded assholes
can see how beautiful she is just
"cause they can't get past
some infected toenails
and some backend, you know.
I know.
I feel the same way.
And I think I have found
the perfect guy for her.
What's his name?
Who?
The guy that's perfect for June.
That guy.
His name is...
Cole Slaw... son.
Cole Slawsen.
A good friend, of a friend.
And that guy's name is Mike.
All real.
So it's the four of us.
Wouldn't you consider
that a double date?
Well, we can throw
them in the pit together
and hope they come out alive.
Or we could lead them
into a friendship that
blossoms into a lifetime of love
It would be a major step
if we could get her laid.
Right.
The whole lifetime of love
thing would just be a bonus.
It's just that... she never has...
And I think a life without orgasms
is like a world without flowers.
I couldn't agree with you more.
Yeah, I do. I do.
No. No. Go.
Other side.
Oh yeah.
Take it.
Okay, listen.
- No. No.
- Okay.
What if I were to tell you
that you could still
make the $500 bucks
but all you had to do was go out
on a few dates with a woman.
Does she have a vagina?
Yeah.
Actually, you're gonna have to
let me know if it goes that far?
Is this woman you in a dress?
No. No. This is a real woman.
But I have to be honest.
She's not necessarily pretty.
None of my girlfriends
have been pretty.
Good.
This is nice.
I'm gonna have her legs
behind her head.
Get her dude.
Oh, these are shoulder blades.
I thought they were wings.
I noticed you from across the bar.
And do you know what the
first thing I thought was?
Her daddy must be a baker "cause
she's got such a nice set of buns?
Do you really think
that all it takes
is a few hair plugs
some porcelain veneers
$250 jeans... to impress a girl
like Chris?
Or didn't that occur to you
while you were schlepping away
your days at the Porsche dealership.
to afford a few more of those
personal enhancements
Which, by the way,
will never hide that you
haven't been laid by anybody
you haven't had to pay for
in over a year.
So why don't you and your starry
head full of doll's hair
take a little walk back to the bar,
have another shot of Jaeger
And give my friend some space in
case a real man comes by, huh?
Who told you
I used to sell Porsches?
What?
What'd I tell you?
Pay our bar tab, bitch.
What did she say?
Oh god, they're here.
Oh my god, they're here.
God, I'm so nervous.
Don't be nervous.
Just do as I said.
Right.
Keep drinking.
Well that... and just be yourself.
- Okay?
- Okay.
Steal yourself, Cole Slawsen.
Oh, my name's not Cole Slawsen.
Oh... right.
Like I said,
- as long as she's female.
- Okay.
Oh my god, it has whiskers.
And no teeth.
Oh, no.
She has teeth.
They're just not
the conventional shade.
It's fine. It's fine.
's fine. Come on.
Hello, ladies.
Cole Slawsen,
this is Cristabell Abbott.
Hello.
And the lovely June Phigg.
Nice to meet you.
- It speaks.
- She's a woman.
I can't do this
My dingus will fall off.
You were rolling down your
flesh files.
I want to be released
from my contract.
- Is it me?
- Sorry.
I'll triple your offer, Cole.
Fine.
We are too excited to do
this, girls.
Woo.
Now remember to stay focused,
okay?
If you start to panic,
practice your breathing exercises.
And go into your tranquil haven.
I am a mighty warrior,
fearless and strong.
I admire your commitment
to excellence.
Now, where's that driver guy?
- Captain.
- Captain. Okay.
I told him to be here by three.
Ahoy! Sorry I'm late, folks.
Just had to grab my keys
from the rental office.
And I'm not feeling too well.
You're going to have to find
yourself another skipper.
Out of my way!
- Oh, shucks.
- No, no, no.
Breathe. Look at the beauty.
Drink some of this.
Okay.
What we're going to do now is
what I like to call winging it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
We need you for the date.
Now this is
what I'm talking about.
Sun in my face, wind in my hair.
The smell of salt in the air.
Isn't this great?
Magnificent.
Okay... June,
how's your toe doing?
It's a lot better, thanks.
This guy I work with at the zoo.
He works with the gorillas.
He actually mixed up a compound for
a silverback who had the same thing.
Okay, anyone want another drink?
Yes, yes.
Absolutely.
Are you okay?
Never better.
Cole has a little bit of
a problem with acid reflux.
I also have irritable
bowel syndrome.
And involuntary
explosive diarrhea, so...
There it goes.
I think I need to be excused.
- You know what? You shouldn't go.
- Yeah, I should.
You should probably stay around.
- No, I shouldn't.
- There's not even a bathroom close.
- No, I can't do this.
- Look at her.
- No, no, no.
- You're not going to go.
You're not going anywhere.
You know what?
Let's play a game.
We're going to play a game.
It's gonna be fun.
If the two of you could go
anywhere in the world on a date
- Where would it be?
- Home.
- Okay
- You know... You know what?
This is a question for me.
Nate. I'll take this one.
If Nate could go anywhere in
the world on a date.
His dream date would be... Venice.
- Venice?
- Yeah.
That would be my dream date too.
Really?
Anywhere in particular?
No, nowhere really.
I just heard it was a great place
to get lost in.
Well, it's a gorgeous day out
and we're on this boat, so...
Let's go get some sun.
Let's do it... Cole Slawsen.
Get our tan up.
Breathe.
I got this.
I'm a mighty warrior.
Fearless and strong.
Come stop me.
Nate, good news.
I just my toenail.
You know, he's just cooling off.
The Coast Guard will
pick him up eventually.
This should cheer us up.
Good idea.
More alcohol.
That'll help.
Oh... dropped it.
Completely forgot I had this.
They were giving these out to all
the personal trainers in town.
Some sort of a promotion.
What is it?
Gift certificate to a chi-chi
Beverly Hills spa.
Ha. Look at that.
- It's for two people.
- You know what?
The two of you
should really have this.
I mean,
I'm never going to use it.
Nate, this is for $2,000 worth
of spa treatments.
You don't say.
No, you and should
go together.
I don't do well
with spa treatments
They tend to backfire.
That Cole was an idiot.
I saw plenty of other guys
checking you out.
Stop it, Chris. Come on.
We both know the only
male attention I get...
...is when they crawl
over me to get to you.
What about that guy who gave
you his card at the mall last week?
He was a dermatologist.
Well, he did offer to remove
your mole for free.
That's cool
He could have been flirting.
I heard somewhere that 95 percent
of the way others see you
is the way you see yourself.
Stop being
so self conscious around guys.
What am I supposed to do?
Pretend they're all blind?
I'm just saying you could try to
be more alluring and subtle.
Men like a little mystery.
Absolutely we do. Yes.
Unraveling the fairer sex is
one of life's greatest riddles.
Oh yeah. I'm the mysterious
type all right.
Nothing says subtle like an
infected toenail in your Chapstick.
June, don't be
so hard on yourself
You know what?
It's fine.
It's fine.
I know my place in life.
I allow your many suitors
to do their...
I'm a nice guy so I'm
talking to your ugly friend...
in the hopes that
I might get a glimpse
of your perfect breasts routine.
Right, Nate?
She's a little drunk.
You know, June, some people think
our bodies are like an Earth suit
A vessel that carries our soul
until you pass on from this
planet into the next dimension.
I don't even know
what that means.
Yeah, I'm sort of with
her on this one.
I'm just trying to help, okay?
Great.
Well... thanks for the help.
I'm such a bad friend.
No, that's ridiculous.
- You were just trying to help.
- Come on.
You're absolutely
wonderful to June.
I'm not.
I'm horrible.
I really made a promise to be
there for her.
You've been so sweet and
I'm really becoming
attracted to you.
You are?
And poor June's in there
crying her eyes out.
- Oh, no, no, no.
- Don't worry about her.
She's not crying.
She's probably
passed out by now.
I really like you, Nate.
Yeah?
And you're gonna
think I'm crazy, but...
I've thought about you
sometimes over the years.
Really?
I even used to look at our old
class picture once in a while.
If someone were standing here
telling me that...
I would think they were crazy.
Or a pedophile.
But none of that matters now...
because I can't
just abandon June like that.
Look, I have a confession to make.
When you told me you
weren't dating
till June had
someone in her life...
I did see her as an obstacle.
I lied about the spa promotion.
I paid for it.
To give June a stealth makeover.
That's so sneaky.
I know it's awful.
But now I really do
want to help her.
And I think I can.
But I need your help.
You know what?
I believe you.
Good.
Now stick with me.
I got a plan.
Are you guys sure this won't
have any residual effects?
Define residual.
Okay.
What we're going to do here today
is a combination of
aversion therapy
and do it yourself hypnosis.
Ma'am? Excuse me.
Hi. Could I um...
Are you insane?
No. Uh...
Okay.
Mmm... isn't it creamy
and delicious?
What a delightful reward for
your attraction to June.
No, no.
This is the good part.
I don't think I can do this.
No, no, no.
Let's not dwell in the negative,
Cole Slawsen.
Your Medieval Times
goblet is half full.
Huh?
Okay... get the pendant.
Your eyes are getting very heavy.
No.
I am going to
count backwards from ten.
And when I finish you will
only remain conscious
to the sound of
my mellifluous voice.
Ten, nine, eight, seven six.
Five...
Four, three, two...
One.
You will open your eyes.
And listen very carefully.
When you see this...
what you actually will be
seeing is this.
Hi, Space Lady.
Good.
When I count to four
You will wake up refreshed,
but you will remember...
nothing of what happened today.
You will, however,
remember my instructions
until which time you hear the phrase,
"I love...
Midget... mimes?
I love midget mimes.
Good.
One...
Two, three, four.
Oh, resistance is futile.
Wow, you guys look amazing.
June's going back next week
to get her mole removed finally.
Well, it looks like Cole and
I are going to have to take...
you two supermodels
out to celebrate.
I can't believe I'm doing this.
I haven't had fat
or dairy in years.
Whatever you've been doing...
it is working, you saucy minx.
The spa said
June's skin needs fat.
Yeah.
They also gave me Rogaine
for women
and prescriptions for my skin
and my toenail thing.
I'm really sorry if my toenail
grossed you out, Cole.
It was really embarrassing.
how could I ever be grossed out
by such a luscious,
poultry lipped inter-galactic
vixen such as yourself?
Thank the gods you were
disconnected from the
Borg Collective through
the neutralization of
your upper spinal
column neuro transceiver.
What?
Cole is a Trekkie.
Isn't that fun?
So that is the highest
complement he can pay you.
In this galaxy or any other.
Let's keep walking.
A little separation is fine.
You know, Cole, the pier is
June's favorite spot in L.A.
Yeah, I like to come down here
late at night,
when everybody's gone.
That way none of the tourists
ask me to take their picture
with them for five dollars.
You are a fiery goddess
with a clever tongue...
to match your stunning countenance.
Oh, you've got a little...
I'll get it.
You know what?
Let's leave these two little
lovebirds alone, huh.
- I don't think that's the best idea.
- No, no, no.
- No, seriously.
- They're cute together. Come on.
He's just a little strange.
We all are in some ways, you know.
You've got to be kidding me.
Oh, look, Daddy.
I love midget mimes.
They're called little people,
honey.
Oh, I totally forgot to tell you
that Cole had
a traumatic experience
with a mime as a child.
Oh, it was awful.
It was his 5th birthday party and
a mime came to perform and
unfortunately he caught the mime
performing personal services
for his mother
But, hey, look, this is fun.
This might be good.
I'm not going to stand for this.
Excuse me.
Don't mind him.
He's a sad little man.
I'm Johann.
Sorry there's no antipasto...
This is all I could whip up.
- Nice place.
- Thanks, buddy.
It's cold and a little windy.
Here's to new friends.
Cheers.
Cheerios.
God, this view is incredible.
You can even see
the Pier from here.
I like to go down there sometimes.
Hang out with the crowds.
People watch.
It could get a little lonely
when you're single.
So... Johann... are you
are you originally from L.A.?
No, I grew up in Europe.
My parents run
a little mountaineering
school in the Swiss Alps.
I moved here when I was
seventeen for college.
Where did you go to college?
Harvard.
Oh... Right.
Oh, it's really not
that impressive.
My parents didn't have to spend
all that Ivy League money...
for me just to become a dentist.
You're a dentist?
Yeah, I love it.
It's so fulfilling.
Of course, I did take a few years
off for the Marines.
Let me get this straight.
You went to Harvard
became a Marine
and now you're a dentist?
Yeah, I also did
a little modeling on the side
just so my folks wouldn't have
to swing dental school.
I still do it every now and
then just for a kick.
Oh my god, I've seen you.
Were you on the cover of
July's Men's Abs?
Yeah. I didn't see it.
I was in Central Asia
over the summer...
doing Doctors Without Borders.
My group's done some
fund raisers with them.
They really do
the most amazing work.
It's the most rewarding
thing I've ever done.
Have you ever done any modeling?
You have unbelievable
bone structure.
Look at! Oh, look at that.
There's the bread.
It was hiding from me.
This is so weird.
You and Nate have
so much in common.
We do?
We do?
How's that?
Well... you're both really
into physical fitness.
And Nate, here,
is a personal trainer.
A personal trainer?
Like at a gym?
He's more of a lifestyle coach.
Right, Nate?
- Yeah.
- Exercise, diet, the whole nine yards.
That's it.
All nine of them.
June, if you don't mind me
saying so, you have...
the most intriguing case of
fluorosis I've ever seen.
Please excuse my rudeness.
I just always notice teeth.
You never thought about
getting them fixed?
Well, I thought about it...
but my insurance doesn't
cover any cosmetic stuff, so
I bet you never had a cavity.
That's true.
I never have.
You are so lucky.
Most of my patients would love
to trade places with you.
You are so screwed.
I am?
He's just buttering up the
freak to get to Cristabell.
This is your competition, my man.
Where the hell did you get that?
Mom saves old issues.
I'll put it back on her bed
before she realizes it's gone.
I'm not sure
he's after Cristabell.
I actually think he likes June.
Well has he ever technically
asked June out on a date?
Well, not really.
Any one on one action whatsoever?
He offered to fix her teeth.
Then he hasn't closed
the door to dating Cristabell.
He's just doing a favor for her
hideously deformed friend.
You're going through
the front door.
He's going through
the back door.
He's a back door man! It's a
time honored technique.
No. But what if Cristabell
doesn't have a back door?
Or what if it's locked,
and everybody just
goes through the front door?
Oh, I'm not interested in you.
I just want to be friends.
Oh, oh, excuse me is that
my penis hitting your cervix?
What am I going to do?
Easy. You shadow him.
Shadow him?
Yeah, just make sure they're
never alone together
where he can impress her without
you being there to deflect it.
What you can't do,
is let him show you up
in any way, okay?
If he ever tries to take off his
shirt in front of her...
you got to make sure it only
happens over your dead puny body
Shirt stays on. Got it.
And secondly if his shirt ever
does come off in front of her,
poke out her eyes.
Eyes poked out.
Thirdly, lie.
- Lie?
- Oh, come on.
I thought that the most
important rule in relationships
was to be honest.
I'm sorry.
Are you a former Marine
that graduated from Harvard
and fixes needy
children's teeth?
I got two words for you, my man.
Lie.
The perfect people have left the
genetically inferior ones to die.
Save yourself, Nate.
No, I'm not letting you go.
Not on my watch.
Stop!
Stop, please.
This is awful.
God, you're telling me?
I'm not even
supposed to be in the sun.
I had my skin lasered last week.
Really?
Oh, yeah, I'm nubby.
Johann is making
the veneers next week.
I had to shave down her teeth
in order to take the impression.
She's going to
look like Farah in '79.
Can you believe
how generous that it?
Super generous.
And clearly
with no ulterior motive.
The truth is,
there is an ulterior motive.
I can show the before and
after pictures to new patients.
That's perfect.
Just gives me more motivation to
enhance June's natural radiance.
Speaking of natural beauty...
Let's go.
Come, guys
Am I bleeding?
Only on the inside.
Cessna.
That's a beauty.
- Where?
- Right up there.
Joanns a pilot.
Of course he is.
Do you fly, Nate?
Yeah. Yeah.
I fly planes.
That's what I do.
You fly?
Yeah.
I mean, to and fro... by and by.
I like to do flips and uh
the tupelos and whatnot.
You're a stunt pilot?
Yeah... uh... not professionally, no.
I like to take the kids up
every once in a while.
- The kids?
- Needy children from the ghetto.
Yeah.
Most of the time it's the
first time they've ever flown.
Oh, god it's just...
to see their faces...
when the G forces hit them.
I just can't describe it,
you know.
It's the most rewarding thing
I've ever done.
So let me get this straight.
You're not a professional pilot,
yet you risk the lives of children
by doing dangerous
stunts in mid air?
Uh... yeah... yeah.
In my flying dream...
that I have.
Just a little game with the kids.
Didn't I mention it was a dream?
No, you didn't mention that.
Oh, yeah. I could see
how you guys all..
No. It's-it's-it's
a great dream that I have
Just me and the kids.
Them riding on my back,
my wings out like an angel.
Like a... male heterosexual
angel in the wind.
- Are you done?
- Yeah. Yeah.
Wow. Okay. Yeah.
Flying dreams.
I for one love flying dreams.
How often do you have these
heterosexual male angel
flying dreams, Nate?
Oh, I don't know June,
what's normal.
Once or twice a year.
Oh my god, me too.
And then there's
always that second
when you first wake up and you
actually believe it happened.
Do you guys ever get those?
Every night.
Every night?
I saw on Oprah that flying dreams
symbolize fearlessness.
You can accomplish anything.
Makes sense.
You must be extremely advanced
In the soul level.
Even Oprah only has them
once in a while.
I don't know about my soul,
but I'm extremely advanced
in the body temperature level.
As the expression goes,
I'm sweating like a racehorse.
I believe the expression is:
I have to piss like a racehorse.
There was a scorpion on your back.
There's no scorpions out here.
Or it might have been a tick.
Now he's a mountaineering
stunt pilot?
Yeah.
We gotta figure out something
you're really good at.
Okay. Figure out
what I'm good at.
I don't know.
What am I good at?
You used to be good at climbing
the rope in gym class.
- Okay.
- Good at climbing rope.
But how am I going to work
that into the routine?
I don't know.
What did we used to do to
impress girls during recess?
Oh yeah. Yeah.
I could dance.
Of course, I'll have to leave out
the part that I wet myself.
- That's the best part.
- Okay.
What else you got in your arsenal?
What about the kazoo?
Remember, we used to rock
the kazoo at naptime.
Wait a minute.
I got the perfect thing.
What's the perfect thing?
Hello?
These old coffee houses remind me
of the swinging Sixties.
Hey, who wants to hear
some Cat Stevens?
Ooh, what a unique piece.
May I?
Uh, yeah.
Took a little damage.
Recently.
I'm sure we can make
this old lady sing yet.
Some day...
Some how...
You'll find...
You'll shine like the sun.
Some day...
Some how, you'll find...
You'll find...
What you've been...
Looking for...
Some day. Some...
Times, it's nice to see them...
...fireflies burning
the night away.
More. More.
Oh, it works.
It's loud in here, huh.
Huh?
- It's loud in here.
- Yeah. Yeah.
What's up with all the hats?
Oh, the Rogaine's working.
Yeah, it's just that weird
in between stage, so.
Cool.
Plus I'm trying to avoid being
attacked by any scorpion ticks.
Heard they were pretty common
around these parts.
This song is amazing.
I love this song.
Care to dance?
Ooh. I'm going to sit this out.
But yeah,
I'll hold that for you.
Back in the playground days,
I used to charm the ladies.
What's...
- He stole my mojo.
- Ooh, that was hard.
Come on, I did the collar thing.
I was telling her
I wanted to dance.
What did I do wrong?
What? We going to
let them show us up?
Come on. Don't you like it.
- Oh, yeah.
- It's awesome.
It's better than
what's out there.
I wish there was a prom
in the first grade...
..."cause I would have rocked it.
Stop it.
Hey we can tango, too, mama.
Come on.
Don't get dizzy now.
Another round?
Yes. Another round would be great.
Let's do another round.
Another round.
Wow, look at this.
Back in my country,
they call this Swiss mania.
Ooh, the hands.
Oh, come on.
Come on.
One small scrap of dignity left.
- No.
- Okay, that's your cue.
Excuse me.
Step aside.
Excuse me.
I've known a lot of jealous men
in my life...
But you take the cake.
Well if Men's Abs in there would
just keep his damn clothes on.
He was hot!
Oh, he was hot.
He was sweating like a racehorse.
The man sweats urine.
Look just admit that he's hot.
Johann is hot.
Oh, so you're
attracted to Johann now.
Is that it?
No, I'm not.
But you are.
And why wouldn't you be?
He's some kind of
a damned pod person.
I don't blame you, okay.
He's perfect.
He's the male version of you.
Oh, so now I'm a pod person.
No.
You're just.
I mean, look at you.
You're out of my league.
You're in Joanns league...
And I can't compete with that.
You didn't have to compete.
I was with you.
I really liked you, Nate.
I thought you were different.
That you actually
wanted to help June.
And that you wanted to
get to know me.
I did want to help June.
And you know what?
I am out of your league.
You can't sing.
You can't dance.
You're a terrible athlete.
And a really crappy liar.
I took the time to
get to know you, Nate.
I really wish you did
the same with me.
Chris, Chris.
Hold on.
Look, I made mistakes.
I lied.
I'm not perfect.
But... it's still me.
You know?
Nate Cooper.
I'm sorry, Nate.
It's over.
Oh, come on.
Here's your car, Loser.
When you just
can't hide your abs,
and that's why
everyone is looking for
a product that gives them the
most effective workout possible.
You see exercise should be
safe effective and fun.
And, of course get you results.
Time is one thing we all wish
we had more of.
Look at you.
You sad, sad man.
Well, I'm crashing
your pity party.
Oh, yeah,
it may be too late for me.
But there's still hope for you.
You dick!
I can hear you.
- You're a foot away from me.
- Look, okay.
There's going to be
a whole world of "ow'...
...waiting for you if
you give up now, Nate.
It's like what a wise
old lady once said.
If you give up on your dream,
you die.
Are you quoting me Flash dance?
There's only one person
that can help you now.
She'll meet you
at Danny's Beachside Cafe
at five o'clock.
Five o'clock.
Hey.
June?
Yeah, that's what
they usually call me.
- Your teeth.
- Oh yeah.
Johann did the veneers yesterday.
What do you think?
Wow. You look so... normal.
Oh, I bet you say
that to all the girls.
Oh, my god. I'm sorry.
More evidence of my staggering
lack of insight into women.
No apology necessary.
I mean, come on
I think I look
a hell of a lot better.
Yeah I'd have to agree.
Wow, you look great.
Thanks.
Oh on my way over here
I'm not certain,
but I think I was cat called.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I mean, I know that for most women
that's a hideous daily occurrence,
but when the guy with the rattail
and the mullet did this thing...
- where he put his hands like...
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah...
- I know it.
- Okay, well anyway...
I looked all around...
and I realized I was
the only woman in sight.
I mean, he was talking to me!
I was so excited,
I almost went over and hugged him.
I swear to God.
- You didn't, though, did you?
- Please.
Even I have my standards.
I don't know, though,
he could have been the one.
So many rattails, no little time.
It's like a shock to the system.
You have a whole new look.
Don't start.
Well, to be quite honest with you,
it's not exactly all mine.
I borrowed the top from Cristabell.
I thought there was
something about it...
...that made me
want to shoot myself.
Poor Nate.
Oh.
What?
Do I have a booger in my nose?
No... just...
I'm happy for you.
- I'm happy for me, too.
- Good.
- I'm glad we agree on something.
- Finally.
- Hey, Randy.
- Hey, Stan.
- Hey, Nate.
- Hi, Nate.
Here, I want you to try
- some of mine.
- Okay.
Just try it.
Is it better?
"Cause I think I got
the better one.
No, I got the better one.
You gave yourself the better one?
- Yeah.
- That's so unfair.
I'm the guest.
You didn't know and
I'm selfish, so.
That's a good point.
I wouldn't have known.
So, how's Johann?
Good... I don't know.
That was a steady decline.
Well, he hasn't
made a move yet, so...
I can't really tell
whether he likes me or not.
Anyway, what's to like, right?
What's to like?
Oh, come on,
what does that mean?
There's plenty to like.
Such as?
You can really hold your liquor.
Sarcasm will get you everywhere.
Let me ask you a question.
Is this pointless?
Am I ever going to have
another chance with Cristabell?
Oh... yeah. Of course you will.
Because um... because I'm...
I'm going to tell her
to give you another chance.
Our annual costume party
is a week from tonight...
...so you'll both be there.
Well, that's great.
Yeah.
And you're going to
be yourself for once.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- Please.
Listen, we've built this
friendship around trust.
I think we need to keep it there.
- All right.
- Okay.
- Well, if we're both being so honest...
- Yeah.
Why don't you bring
your crappy car...
and that guitar you clearly
don't know how to play.
Okay.
As long as you bring
that foxy yoga outfit...
with the granny panties
I love so much.
Don't make fun
God. I mean, who really
wants to go to a party...
...as the girl who's
never been kissed anyway.
What? No, that's not true.
I totally planted one on you
at the yoga place.
Are you out of your mind?
- No, I'm not out of my mind.
- That was not a kiss.
- That was you falling into me.
- That's what I did.
I got the-Okay, fine.
Oh... well...
I'm sorry. I, uh...
I don't know why I did that.
You don't know
why you did that.
- No.
- Right.
- June.
- I think you should just go, Nate.
June, listen,
I'm trying to figure-
Get out of here.
Before your girlfriend gets back.
Excuse me.
Traffic's heavy today.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
You better have insurance.
There's my girl.
Come on.
I want to show you off
to my friends.
Looking good, buddy.
Looking good.
Yeah, you too.
Oh, by the way,
I talked to Cristabell...
and I smoothed everything over,
so she's really excited to see you.
Although I should warn you,
she's a little bit, you know.
Oh Coopie...
What can I say?
I've always wanted to be a bride.
Every little girl's dream, right?
Right.
You don't have to say a thing.
June told me what happened.
- She did?
- Yep.
You were just being protective
of my little Junie.
Yes, right.
I may have misjudged you,
Nate Cooper.
Oops.
Don't worry.
It wasn't a smelly one.
I can tell by the way they sound.
That's good.
Shit!
Sorry.
...listen.
I read somewhere about white
wine getting out red wine.
Okay.
I don't know if that-
Oh, god.
It's not working!
It's not working!
It's not working!
I have to go.
You know, I think Grace Kelly
and I need a minute.
- Come on.
- Bye.
Oh hey there, little buddy.
Just about to finish these pesto
gorgonzola torte rings.
Why don't you have a taste
and let me know what you think.
They're wonderful.
Of course.
Absolutely wonderful.
You're wonderful.
Everything you do is wonderful.
I've never seen June happier.
Thanks, pal.
Don't mention it.
It was a lot of work, but once
I put my mind to something...
I always get what I want.
You know what?
Fine.
I'm happy for you guys, okay?
I was wrong.
You and June actually
make a great couple.
I know. Isn't she amazing?
Yeah.
Yeah, she really is.
Now that she's
got some confidence in herself
there are plenty of guys
who'd love to have her.
New teeth, hair
She's almost beautiful now.
Women like June are just
so much more... grateful.
Yeah, she worked hard.
And I think tonight,
it's finally time for her reward.
You know what I mean?
What's wrong?
Did I use too much basil?
Nate, what are you doing?
Deep breaths.
One one-thousand...
Two one thousand...
All right, everyone.
Party's over.
Out.
One grain of happiness.
One grain of happiness
in my entire life.
I understand you're upset.
But Johann happens to be the devil!
Shut up.
The night of date five,
when it's okay for
a consenting female adult
to have sex without
being considered slutty...
June.
The night I was going t
become a non-virgin
- and leave this freak fest behind.
- June. June, listen.
Shut up!
I helped you.
I could have shot you down
and Cristabell would never
have returned your calls.
He doesn't love you.
He said that you would be grateful.
I am grateful!
You don't get it, do you.
I don't know.
I've never even had a boyfriend.
He doesn't get you.
He doesn't deserve you.
Oh and you think people get
what they deserve in life.
You think they get
the fairy tale ending.
I don't know.
Maybe, yeah.
You know, if they're
not willing to compromise.
If they're not willing
to settle for anything less.
Well, knowing what you are is
also knowing what you're not.
I'm not the girl...
...the guy runs to,
to tell his feelings for,
all out of breath.
Why couldn't you be?
Because not everybody gets
that out of breath sort of moment.
That's okay.
Most of us are just happy...
...to date a guy
who brushes his teeth.
That's the thing
about fairy tales, Nate.
They're just not true.
Nate, she "s big girl.
Yeah. I understand that.
It's sweet how protective
you've been...
...but if June wants to be
with Johann tonight...
...then that's
her decision to make.
Anyway, it's not like she agreed
to marry him or anything.
It's just one night.
Well, somehow I don't take
comfort in that knowledge.
Relax, Nate.
You did it.
You found someone for June.
And a deal's a deal.
Now that June gets
what she wants...
...we can get what you want.
Oops, I forgot.
I have a confession to make.
I was kind of testing you tonight.
What do you mean?
This tacky dress...
acting drunk and anxious
to get married...
and spilling
the wine all over my dress.
It was all an act.
Why?
Well, when you really
care about someone...
...you're willing to
overlook their flaws.
And I just wanted to make sure
that you liked me for me.
Come with me.
I got something to show you.
Here's to
finding your perfect match.
Pick one.
You have excellent taste,
Mister Cooper.
Thanks.
So why don't you
go light some candles.
June has some
in the dresser in her room.
So was your father a baker
by any chance?
No. Why?
"Cause you've
got such great buns.
I want to become a non-virgin.
Don't make any sudden moves.
She's trying to strangle herself
with her hood.
I just wanted to give her this.
Thanks... I guess.
- What's wrong?
- Nothing.
Listen, I think...
Oh... okay...
Can you please
put your robe back on?
Okay.
It's the first time anyone's
asked me to do that.
I'm sure.
I think that I just want to talk.
Okay, sure.
Nate...
...you can turn around now.
Right. Turning around.
It's just... why me?
What do you mean?
There are a million guys
who would kill to be
sitting here with you right now.
Why did you pick me?
I didn't pick you.
- You didn't?
- No.
It was fate. Magic. Serendipity.
Right, and that's what I thought,
too, but why did you think so?
Well, you know, after all these
years of not seeing each other...
and then how we literally ran
into each other at the beach.
Oh, about that.
I tracked you down.
and I found out you were
going to be at the beach that day.
And I followed you.
You stalked me.
Stalked is a big word.
Uh, listen...
Ever since the first grade...
I thought you were the girl
that I was meant to be with
And now you think you
made a mistake?
Let's put it this way.
I think I gave the valentine
to the right girl.
Oh my god.
You have to go tell her.
Are you sure?
Nate, I'll be fine.
It's not like I have trouble
getting dates.
Yeah, you're probably right.
Um... okay.
Go.
Okay.
Way to go, June.
June?
I'm so sorry.
Don't say a word.
I came here not to tell you
that Johann doesn't deserve you
which you already
figured out for yourself.
And not to tell you
that I am in love with you.
Which I am.
Desperately.
My entire life,
something has been holding me back
from falling in love.
And I thought it was Cristabell.
But I realized that I've just
been fumbling my way to you.
My last girlfriend,
her name was Jane.
That's one letter off.
I don't even know
what that means.
That's dumb.
I'm sorry.
Listen.
I don't deserve you.
Because I didn't take the time
to see who you were.
And you have to know
that you're the girl.
You're the girl that
the guy runs to.
You're the girl.
You're... you're out of breath.