The Hustle (2019) Movie Script
1
Hey, man. Can I get
two vodka sodas, please?
Sure.
Thank you.
You know what?
Go ahead and keep that
for yourself, all right?
Oh, thanks, man.
Yeah, I can't wait
to meet you, too, Madison.
Oh, those babies are legit.
Jeremy?
Uh, no, sorry.
- But this is you, isn't it?
- Well, yeah,
- but you can't be...
- Yeah, Madison.
Yeah, I am.
Joke! Oh, my God.
- You should see your face.
- Oh, my God.
- No, obviously I'm not her.
- Okay. Oh, man.
- No. 'Course I'm not Madison.
- Thank Christ!
Because honestly
I was shitting myself there.
I mean, no offense.
Oh, none taken.
It's really risky
meeting people online.
You never know if people
are gonna be as ugly
on the outside
as they are on the inside.
- Yeah, right, exactly.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm sorry,
is Madison on her way?
Uh, no, no, no.
Madison's not coming.
What? Why?
Well, she sent me to see
if you were truly
in love with her
and clearly you're not,
so goodbye, Jeremy.
Wait! No, no, no, wait.
Of course I love her.
I have been texting with her
for, like, a frigging month!
This is the girl that I'm
gonna let keep my babies
and I will pay her
her due child support.
I will visit
every other weekend
and say hi to the kids
and put 'em on my lap
and whatever you do, okay?
That is how much I love her.
I swear to Christ!
But can you love
her birth defect?
'Course I can.
I mean,
it's on the inside, right?
Like, it's in her brain
or in her heart?
When Madison was born,
she was born with A cups.
- No, but her photos, they...
- Yeah.
What you're looking at there
is expert contouring
and well-placed
chicken cutlets.
She's really a double-A,
if I'm gonna be, like,
honest with you.
A triple-A in some brands.
Basically, if her tits
were batteries,
they'd go into a watch.
That's why she didn't
wanna come here
and meet you in real life.
Well, not until she has
the boob job, anyways.
Wait, she's getting
a boob job?
When is that happening, then?
- In a year.
- A year?
Well, silicone doesn't
just grow on trees.
- She has to save up.
- Well, how much does she need?
Just, like, $300.
500 if she's gonna
go full bouncy castle.
Okay.
You know what?
Tell her I'll give her
the $500.
I just want her to be happy.
- That is so selfless of you.
- I know.
Do you prefer Venmo or PayPal?
Venmo's fine.
That's her!
The fake tit-job bitch!
Get her!
I needed a new scene anyway.
She stole
my money, man!
Move!
Out of my way, come on!
Hey, where do I send
the money?
Go!
Hey, stop that woman!
Hey, you! Stop!
Go after her! Quick!
You let her get away!
Well, at least we didn't
give her $500 first! Idiot.
Trashy dress,
you did it again.
Hmph!
Begone!
You French women are bad luck!
And shave your armpits.
Please.
Well, come on, deal again!
Our apologies, monsieur,
but you are out of credit.
Hold on,
I may have a solution.
How's this for credit?
It's beautiful, monsieur.
But I cannot accept it.
Why the hell not?
I'm afraid
rumor has it that you are
selling your wife's jewels
to bankroll
your gambling debts.
That is an outrageous slur!
Hey. Whiskey.
Uh, excuse me? Excuse me?
How much
are the red ones worth?
- Uh, one thousand.
- And the blue ones?
Five thousand.
I love that game
with the wheel and the ball
and the numbers.
I don't even really know
how to play.
Hello.
Uh, hello.
My name is Mathias Albrecht
von Rdinger der Kleinzogen
Hindenburg-an-Sohr.
And you are?
- Janet.
- Janet.
What an enchanting name.
You're American, yes?
- Yes.
- I'm Danish.
Like the pastry?
Yeah. Yeah.
So, what brings you
to the South of France?
An airplane.
Yes, and why are you here?
Oh. Well, um...
I thought
I would treat myself.
I just won some money
in the lottery.
Wow. How much did you win?
$87 million!
I'm sorry,
I don't speak foreign.
Janet...
I have something in my pants
that I think
you're going to like.
- Ew.
- No, no, no.
This.
Oh.
This belonged to my dear mama.
- May I?
- Yes.
Sadly, I have to sell it,
'cause it reminds me
too much of her.
Is it valuable?
It's very valuable, yes.
$500,000.
I like it 'cause it's shiny.
And you're in luck.
It's for sale.
That's crazy. I...
Do I have enough here?
- How much is this worth?
- That is a coaster.
And sadly, no, you don't.
But maybe you could pay
the difference in another way?
I have a 9:00
dinner reservation.
As do I.
Well, I have my reputation
to think of.
As do I.
I have a boyfriend.
As do I.
Freeze!
Inspector Desjardins
of Beaumont-Sur-Mer police.
Get up.
Okay.
Who sent you? My wife?
Do you take bribes?
Not you. Her.
- She is under arrest.
- What?
Those chips were stolen
from this pathetic old man.
This woman is
an international con artist.
No, no, no.
She's just a dumb American.
No, it's true.
She lured this man
with the promise
of a private performance
of her college
gymnastics routine.
Here.
Hmm?
Now,
give back the bracelet.
It would take
an expert to spot the fake.
- Or his wife.
- Hmm.
Thank you, Albert,
for everything.
Excellent research, Brigitte.
The mark was perfect.
As you always say...
You can't cheat an honest man.
Now, I have a buyer in Zurich,
so I shall see you
in a few days. Au revoir.
- Oh.
- Oh!
Sorry. Comin' through.
I'll take the filet mignon.
Very good, sir.
Is this seat taken?
I'm starving.
I could murder a triple
cheeseburger right now.
Or...
I'll just get
a glass of water, please.
- Is that all, madam?
- Yeah, that's it.
I'll just help myself
to the sugar packets.
They're free, right?
- Yes.
- Yeah.
Mmm.
That'll fill me up.
I've to save all my money
'cause I'm here
to find my sister.
This is her.
- That is your sister?
- Half-sister.
But we're like sisters.
- What's happened to her?
- She's been taken.
Taken? Like...
Like by men who sell
hot white virgins
to evil, bearded
kajillionaires on yachts.
- Really?
- The whole irony is,
it was her friend she was with
who was the massive slut.
Tiffany.
Tiffany is the slut?
So, I roughed up these guys,
and they said to me,
"Premium-grade Australian
meat on auction tomorrow."
That fits my sister's
description perfectly,
- don't you think?
- Yes.
So, I'm gonna get on that boat
and buy her back.
Look, I am very moved
by your story.
- Order anything you like.
- No, no, no.
- Please, no?
- No!
- Please, no?
- No, I couldn't.
Please, I insist.
I'll have a club sandwich,
and an order of fries,
order of onion rings,
I'll take the shrimp cocktail.
Is that good? How fresh is it?
What's the soup of the day?
Is it cold? 'Cause, ew, gross.
That's disgusting.
Why have cold soup?
Just give me a Caesar salad.
And then two slices of cake.
- Do you want any cake?
- No.
Three slices of cake
and a Diet Coke.
Thank you.
Will this
be satisfactory, miss?
Yes, this will do.
Once again, I apologize
for the flickering lights
in coach.
Epilepsy is a cruel mistress.
Thank you.
- Hey.
- Hello.
Forgive me, but I couldn't
help but overhear
your conversation
in the dining car.
- My condolences.
- Hmm?
About your sister's
treacherous predicament.
Oh. She'll be all right.
Hmm.
Do you mind if I ask
how long your sister's been
held against her will?
Oh. Listen, um...
Josephine Chesterfield.
Penny Rust.
Delighted.
Eh, what's up?
Uh, listen, I think this is
gonna be a really long ride
and clearly you're, like,
an exhausting person.
So, I'm just gonna say this.
I don't even have a sister.
Are you saying
you lied to that man?
I don't wanna
say it too loudly.
I'm a con artist.
I con.
But that man
was so kind to you,
and he bought your dinner.
Only after I showed him
a picture of a hot chick.
See, women have feelings.
So, like, you just
had sympathy or pity,
or, I don't know,
the other feeling
and men see that quality in us
and exploit us.
So all I'm doin' is, like...
Put that thing down
Flip it and reverse it
And then I'm now
exploiting them.
Are there many women
in your industry?
Uh... Sisters in arms,
as it were?
Well, not at my level, no.
Yes, clearly you're in a class
of your own.
Oh! Except,
of course there's Medusa.
Oh?
She's like the O.G. lady
con artist.
People say she could
freeze a man's assets
with just one look.
Well...
My horizons have certainly
been expanded this evening.
Where will the wind
take you next?
I'm going to this town
on the Med,
Beaumont-Sur-Mer.
Get this, apparently it's
crawling with rich dudes.
Well, I'm afraid
you've been misinformed.
You see,
I live in Beaumont-Sur-Mer
and I think you'll find
it's a lesbian community.
- Really?
- Oh, yes.
Honestly, you'd do better
staying on to Portofino.
Well, maybe I could
work a woman.
I don't know how you...
Yeah, I could give it a go.
But isn't your philosophy
based on exploiting men?
Penny? Penny.
Sorry, were you... Sorry.
I was just playing this game
on my phone.
Yes, of course.
I just have to call my mother
to let them know
what time to expect me.
Please.
So, do you have
a car here?
I do.
Oh, great. Do you mind if I,
like, scab a lift off you?
What?
You leaving the party already?
Afraid so. Cheerio.
Penny?
Did you say Portofino
was the next stop?
Yo, Portofino is
going to be turnt!
What?
I don't know
what you just said,
but the answer is oui.
How was last night?
It was all I could arrange
on such short notice.
Jean and Lil Baguette
were perfect.
May I ask the reason
for their involvement?
I encountered
a sort of pale gypsy
who thought herself
something of a grifter.
Surely she was
no match for you?
Hmm, one can never be
too careful, Brigitte.
A poacher
who shoots at rabbits
may scare big game away.
Speaking of...
Next we have Gregor Gregorsky.
Made his fortune
in office supplies,
married four times.
He's a romantic.
And he should be arriving...
now.
Who is that with him?
You must save your beautiful
sister before she is defiled.
I know,
'cause once she is defiled,
she's, like, less special,
don't you reckon?
Brigitte.
Right away.
Gregor, you have no idea
what this money will do.
Hit it, Marcel!
I'm flying!
Oh, shit!
Hey!
Merci.
Mmm, mmm.
All right.
Let's go, boys, one more time!
You want to press charges?
Da.
Her sister is probably
not even virgin.
He gave me the money!
What laws
have I actually broken?
Oh.
Contraction. Mmm.
The stress
is not good for the baby.
Ooh, my little baby.
Ooh.
We are a tight-knit community
in Beaumont-Sur-Mer,
mademoiselle.
We do not want your kind here.
What?
Oh, yeah, yeah, right, yeah.
I've heard about
your little community.
And that's...
That's actually why I came.
To do some, like,
experimenting.
You know...
Ooh!
Ooh.
Oh, no, wrong thing.
Inspector?
Don't you think we can just
work something out?
Just between us girls?
I don't date pregnant women.
Oh, wait! Actually, um,
I know somebody here!
You know someone
in Beaumont-Sur-Mer?
Yeah, yeah.
I bet you'd know her, too.
She's, like, really rich,
really important.
She looks like a librarian's
corpse, only less lively.
She would have
your ass for this.
Oh, I see.
What's her name?
- Oh, her name...
- Mmm-hmm?
...is Joanna...
Regina.
Regina Charleston.
It's Charlotte...
Pemberton.
It's Pamela. Pernilla.
Pendy Simmons.
No, wait, it's...
Janet Maxfield.
Ha! Charlotte Josephson.
Josephine Chesterfield?
Yeah, that is her!
We should...
We should call her.
Get her on the line.
Tell her to
set me free, please!
Penny, the charges against you
aren't very serious,
but it appears
Inspector Desjardins
is keeping you here
for your own protection.
From what?
The man you swindled
is a prominent figure
of the Russian mafia.
Shit.
If you were to be released,
you would
most certainly be killed,
or worse.
Well, there has to be
another option!
One moment.
Oui.
Penny, what do you have on you
by way of liquidity?
Uh...
I think I have a travel-size
K-Y Jelly in my bag.
It's peach-flavored.
Cash, Penny. How much cash
do you have at your disposal?
I have about 10 or 8...
Yeah, $8,000.
That might be enough to get you out
of the country, but you must promise
never ever,
under any circumstances,
to come back
to Beaumont-Sur-Mer
ever again.
- Pinky promise.
- Hold on, Penny.
The nightmare is almost over.
Hey, listen,
- I may have been a bit of bitch when we first met.
- Oh.
And when I talked about you
behind your back.
- Hmm?
- And when I posted this.
- Huh.
- But you did me a solid
getting me out of jail,
so I think
you're a pretty top chick.
Try to be as inconspicuous
as possible.
I know it's difficult for you,
but it's better to go
unnoticed by Gregor's henchmen.
Au revoir.
Well, I don't get
what that means.
Yo, I'm just gonna
blend in with you guys.
Hey.
Oh!
Dude! What are you...
You can't just sneak up
on a lady like that!
Hmm. You're not
really my type...
But the pilot's busy, so...
Let's just make this quick.
I feel like they're about
to serve the meal.
- Where is it?
- What?
Where is it?
Hey...
Nazi Gollum, you're gonna
have to speak more clearly.
- Where is it?
- What?
I saw you talking with her
in the airport.
Josephine?
Is that her real name?
- Are you with her?
- Um...
No, I think maybe
the police chick is?
They could just be friends.
I don't know.
It's hard to tell nowadays.
So, the police woman's
part of it?
- Part of what?
- The hustle!
Hmm?
She stole my wife's
diamond bracelet!
It's worth
half a million dollars!
Shit the bed.
And now my wife
is filing for divorce.
Are you working
with her or not?
No! No, no.
Um...
No, I'm actually
working for ASSES.
What?
ASSES? Have you not
heard of that?
It's the, um,
Australian Securities Services
Intelligently Spying.
- Don't you mean ASIO?
- No.
No, they're wankers.
ASSES.
It's the place to be.
And I'm deep, deep,
deep in ASSES.
I'm trying to
bring her to justice.
- Okay, good.
- Yeah.
Good. How can I help?
Well, sir, um...
I believe we should
start by having sex
as a cover.
What was that?
I have standards.
As do I.
I need to take a nap.
As do I.
I have many STDs, so...
As do I.
Mesdames et messieurs,
please fasten your seat belts.
We are experiencing some
unexpected turbulence.
Phew!
My quads are burning!
Ow! Ow!
Bloody hell!
No. Okay.
Oh, yeah.
I'm gonna puke.
I'm gonna hold it.
I can hold it.
- Penny.
- Hello, Janet.
Or should I say...
Medusa?
- I am not Medusa.
- Really?
Take this to the guestroom,
butlery person.
Okay, I may need to borrow
a toothbrush, leggings,
some thongs.
Oh! Some "going out" thongs.
Do we have a problem?
Ah! Captain Pantsuit,
in on it as well?
All wrapped up
in this kebab of lies?
Everything is fine, Brigitte.
You and Albert may go.
Yeah. Bye, girls.
I'll take my lunch
by the pool!
Just letting you know,
I'm salad intolerant.
What do you want,
Penny?
I want this!
Like, look at this place!
I had no idea how small-time
I was until I met you.
Teach me your sugar baby ways.
Shape me
into something great
and richer.
And why would I do that?
Because who knows?
I could be the partner
you never knew you needed.
- No, thanks. I work alone.
- Hello?
What about Menswear Barbie
and Old Crone Ken?
They are employees.
Okay. I get it.
But what you're not getting
is that a girl like me
could make it
real uncomfortable
for you in this town.
Like a bad case of the herp.
With the right vitamin
cocktail, you'll go away.
You do know herpes never
goes away, don't you?
Doesn't it?
No.
Seems like you've set up
such deep roots here.
It'd be such a shame for it
to all be seized by Interpol.
It'd just take one phone call.
Hello, Interpol?
Tell me, Penny...
Why are women better suited
to the con than men?
'Cause we're used to
faking it?
It comes down
to one universal truth.
No man will ever believe
a woman is smarter than he is.
We will always
be underestimated
and that is what we use.
So this means you're gonna
teach me, aren't you?
I'm teaching you now.
Yes!
Wait, what was that last part?
I couldn't hear. You were
talking into the ocean.
What do men want?
- Boobs.
- No.
Back door.
Front door.
Pegging or, like, a threesome.
What is it? What's the answer?
They want to be heroes.
There is nothing
more compelling to a man
than a vulnerable woman.
Observe.
Oh, wow. You can just
tear up like that.
You can just balance a tear
right on that lower lid.
And can you make the tear
roll down your cheek?
Oh. Oh. Okay.
But can you make it
go back up?
- Now, you try.
- Okay.
- Are you constipated?
- No.
Why all the theatrics?
You're hot. That's enough.
It is not enough.
"Hot" is not a career.
"Hot" will get you gifts
and trinkets,
but you must pay for them
in other ways.
Sex, Penny.
Lesson two, research.
"The Suburban White Knight."
This one calls
for a basic rescue scam.
A staged drowning
and resuscitation
usually fits the bill.
Next we have
"The Braggadocio on Holiday."
Just wants a story
to tell the boys.
But careful here.
He's a frequent abuser
of social media.
What the...
Why the...
...headache!
Finally, you must be trained
for any situation.
One, two...
Surprise!
Hello. How do you do?
Yes, isn't it a lovely party?
I know.
I have seven houses.
She's ready.
I'm ready?
Yes!
Whoo!
Ugh. Mon Dieu!
I don't like it.
She represents
everything you despise.
You know, the water level
at the quarry
is higher than normal
this time of year.
They would not find her body
- until the spring.
- Hmm.
Just say the word,
or don't and you maintain
your innocence,
and I will do it anyway.
Nonsense.
We're taking her in gracefully
in order to
get her out gracefully.
Was that the word?
"Gracefully"?
Trust me, Brigitte.
It'll all work out in our favor.
With Penny, we can finally run
the "Lord of the Rings" play.
You truly believe she is ready
for something so elaborate?
Who's the first mark?
Oh, Howard.
I can't marry you.
Oh...
Now, settle down, cupcake.
What problem's so big
you don't think
Howard Bacon can fix it, huh?
How could you marry a woman
so beneath you?
What are you saying,
snickerdoodle?
You are 63rd in line
to the British throne.
I know, but I'm bankrupt.
The title's all I have left.
Oh, Howard,
do you think me a...
gold digger?
Oh, peanut butter cup.
Now, listen here.
We're gonna get married,
we're gonna fly home
to Fort Worth.
I'mma introduce you
to my golfing buddies
and then when
I run for Senate,
you're gonna be by my side.
Beautiful and silent.
You're not gonna break my heart
now, are you, sugarbooger?
Oh, Howard.
I'm helpless against
your food-themed endearments.
The only thing you're gonna
have to worry about
how that Texas humidity's
gonna affect your hair.
My hair looks like this
in any climate, darling,
and Hortense loves wet heat.
Hortense?
My sister.
Didn't I tell you about her?
I couldn't possibly
leave her behind.
Are you telling me
I'm gonna go home
with two princesses on my arm?
Would you like to see her?
Oh, lead the way.
If you think me
regal in the least,
wait until you meet
my sweet sister. Oof!
I haven't an ounce of the
majesty Hortense possesses.
There are no private beaches
on the Cote d'Azur,
but you put up one sign that
says "toxic waste," et voila!
Granny was so clever.
- Mmm.
- Your sister lives in there?
Mmm-hmm, yes,
in her cozy castle keep.
Ah.
This way.
Your tetanus
is up to date, yes?
What?
Every royal family
has its black sheep, of course,
but not Hortense and me.
Nanny Gertrude raised us to be
two levelheaded young ladies.
We're so normal,
it's practically boring.
Now remember, at no point
should you turn
your back on her.
Because she's royalty?
If you like.
Ah, here we are.
Hortense,
I've brought a guest!
- I wonder where she's hiding.
- Hmm.
Don't be shy.
Oh. I know.
Maybe her subjects
can flush her out.
Ah! There she is!
My only living relative.
Shall we pay her a visit?
Princess Hortense of House
Northumberton-Saxe-Hapsburg,
may I present to you
Howard Bacon.
Uh...
My ma'am... Lady.
Sir Bacon,
welcome to thy kingdom.
I have food for your men
and water
for your horses and whores.
Hortense.
She knows you haven't
got any horses.
Lucretia, pour the mead.
Lucretia,
you dumb bitch,
don't embarrass me
in front of the guests.
Yes, there is much
to celebrate, beloved sister.
I bring wonderful news.
Howard and I
are to be married.
Really?
You and you?
Hortense...
Hortense, do not
drop that coronet.
Use your words,
not the heirlooms.
Whoops!
Why?
I think I know
what this is about.
Die! No!
Don't fret, sissy.
You shan't be left behind.
You, Howard, and I
are going to live together
in Texas.
Texas? Hurrah!
This calls
for a celebration pole dance.
Promise, if anything
should happen to me,
you'll look after her.
Ooh.
I invoke prima nocta.
Absolutely.
This shall be a traditional
wedding in every respect.
Prima nocta.
Prima nocta! Prima nocta!
Uh, what's prima nocta?
Oh. Once the eldest daughter
consummates her marriage,
it is the second daughter's
divine right
either to bed the groom
or fight him in a duel.
In either case,
your performance
shall be judged
by a panel of courtiers.
But you don't mind,
do you, darling?
Second sister
Gets sloppy seconds
Or you die
Muffin, wedding's off.
But Howard! The ring!
Keep it!
Enrique, do go on.
You were saying how
even though you yourself have
benefited economically
from immigrating to America,
you don't feel
any additional Guatemalans
should be allowed
into Palm Beach?
Yes, I believe...
Sister! Sister! Sister!
Hortense! Manners, please!
Is this how we behave
in front of a guest?
Sorry.
Pardon the intrusion,
but can I beg leave
to go to the toilet?
Yes, of course,
my turtle dove.
Thank you.
Kind sir, would you help me
with this?
The lock-eth has rust-eth.
Hortense!
Did I not expressly forbid you
from wearing your virtue
panties in the pool?
Albert! She's done it again.
Ahhh! Not the flame!
Release the peasants!
She must mean
"pheasants," yes?
Hmm? Of course not.
Oh, don't worry, darling.
She's a terrible shot.
Peasant ho!
See?
That was unexpected.
Brigitte, your 20,000.
You just got a lot
more attractive, Bridge.
Albert, your 10.
Still wouldn't bang you,
Albert.
Thank you, all.
What do you mean,
"Thank you, all"?
No, where's my cashola?
Hmm? Where's my cut?
Where's the big chunka...
...to come in to me,
of the cash?
The student
doesn't earn wages
until after graduation.
When the hell is that?
I've been killing myself
playing Hortense
the Feral Princess,
while you just prance around,
not having sex with people.
Penny, how much money
do you have?
Be honest, now.
$500,000.
Oh. Good for you.
It's an adorable
little nest egg.
All in cash I presume?
Bitcoin. Why?
How much money do you have?
Hmm? Oh, assets and liquidity,
um, 28.32 million.
Ah, okay, I didn't know
we were counting
assets and liquidity.
In that case, I have, uh...
still 500,000.
And how do you think
I grew that wealth?
By investing wisely.
I've invested in you, Penny.
And I must see a robust return
before I can share
the profits.
But you wouldn't
have any profits
if it wasn't for me, okay?
Let's face it,
we're a team on this.
Penny, if you want to be like
me, then you're going to have...
I don't wanna be like you!
Why would I wanna be like you?
I don't wanna be some loser
that looks like
a colorful Beetlejuice.
Oh, sorry,
Julie Andrews just called.
She said she wants
her voice back.
We all know
you're actually from Wisconsin
and you stay in this house
eating weird salads
and drinking alcohol
that doesn't get you
hammered fast enough.
And you're like,
"Oh! I better check
all my precious stocks
on the NASCAR index."
And, "Oh, wait,
let me just collect another
little boy's head,
or another dinosaur clitoris,
or another little statue
of a..."
That's alive.
Yes, that is a Madagascan
blue panther chameleon.
It's one of the last
of its kind.
Is it?
Just like you.
Well, you know what, Jo?
I don't give a crap if you're
a legend in the game.
If you're not gonna pay me for
work that I've actually done,
then I'm out!
Screw you, Medusa!
I'm not Medusa.
And she's gone.
Are you...
Are you all right, miss?
Oh, is there a doctor
in the house?
Oh, somebody, please, help me!
What are the signs
of a stroke?
I can't feel my tits!
Goodness me!
Are you all right, miss?
Are you okay?
She's all right.
Aren't you, sis?
Yeah, I'm feeling
so much better, actually.
Good on you. That's my chook.
Come on.
Come on.
Let's get you up.
- Yeah.
- No worries.
I think it was
just a big burp.
- You enjoy the sun.
- My pleasure.
What's up, Jo?
I thought
you were leaving, Pen.
I was, and then...
I just realized
this place is great.
There just isn't room
for both of us
in Beaumont-Sur-Mer.
Mmm. Agree to unagree.
This is my home
and my place of work
and you are a bull
in my china shop.
Well, you don't really
affect my life that much.
Oh, piss off,
you moonfaced troll!
Whoa!
Careful there.
People might think you're more
than just an animatronic cocktease.
Okay, come on.
Ow! Arm!
Hands off the merchandise.
I bruise like a peach.
Shall we settle this
with a friendly wager?
Like a turf war?
Whoever wins gets dibs
on the town?
Loser leaves for good.
Well, what's the bet?
We choose a man.
First to extract a set sum
from him wins.
That sounds like a party.
Yeah, how much?
How about your net worth?
500,000?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Is that too rich
for your blood?
Are you kidding?
My blood is, like,
98% white chocolate mousse.
So, I can...
I can handle it, yeah.
Who's the mark?
Monsieur!
How about that guy?
He's 12.
Ah, too young for your blood?
Guillaume?
Is that boy
a guest at the hotel?
Yes, that is
Thomas Westerberg.
He is the inventor of YaBurnt.
- Shut my back door.
- What? Why?
What is YaBurnt?
Honestly?
Jo, are you, like,
100 years old?
It's, like, this really cool app
where it sends all your friends
these disgusting insults
and then they disappear
after 10 seconds.
Why would anyone want that?
Why would anyone
want Christmas, either?
So, he's a tech millionaire?
Billionaire, I bet.
So, do we have a deal?
One week.
May the best con win.
Hey, uh, do you mind if I
spin the thingy next round?
Okay. That's your job.
Shut up, Thomas.
- Monsieur.
- Yes?
Please place your bets.
No more bets.
Eighteen red.
Sorry, comin' through.
Sorry, excuse me.
- My goodness!
- Sorry, miss, please.
Oi, blind person here.
Move! Move!
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh. Pardon the intrusion,
but could somebody tell me
if there's an empty chair
at this table?
No, mademoiselle.
The table is full.
Oh. Okey-dokey.
No, miss. Miss? Excuse me.
You can have my chair.
Oh, a hero.
Oh, but it's not necessary.
Perhaps if, um,
this person scoots over,
we could just squeeze in
another chair.
- Yeah, sure.
- Do you mind, sir?
Would you mind just, um...
Right behind you.
- Oh.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
- All right?
Wow. What wonderful
blind person etiquette.
My nana was blind.
Was she?
I had no idea.
Research.
Please place your bets.
Oh. Do you want me
to place a bet for you?
Yeah, could you?
- Yeah, of course.
- But can you choose?
I feel like I need somebody
else's luck right now.
- Sure.
- Okay.
All right,
keep your fingers crossed.
No more bets.
Twenty-one red.
How did we do?
We lost. I'm so sorry.
- What?
- Yeah, it happens.
That was my last chance.
Last chance? For...
Wait! Miss!
Miss, wait. Miss?
Monsieur, your chips.
Oh, yeah, thank you.
Thank you, thank you. Sorry.
Thank you. Miss!
Miss! Miss?
Your winnings.
Miss! Miss? Miss?
Excuse me? Hi.
You left your cane.
Oh, thanks
for bringing it back.
I'm so embarrassed. Did I,
like, cause a big scene?
No, no. It's okay. But you
said something in there.
You said that that was
your last chance.
- What for?
- To help my sister.
- Oh.
- She's my baby sister.
- Oh.
- You're looking at a picture
of a really hot girl, right?
Uh... Yes. Yeah, I am.
Are my eyes tearing up?
'Cause sometimes I can't tell.
At least you won big, huh?
Not yet.
Go and see what big-titted
Russell Crowe is up to.
Here.
Here you go, Penny.
No, no, no, Thomas.
I cannot take that.
- Yes, you can, Penny.
- No, I can't.
Penny, you have to.
Your sister needs that
final cleft palate surgery.
Yeah, she does.
- Penny...
- Hmm?
What about you?
What do you mean,
what about me?
Well, do you mind
if I ask you how you...
got blind?
Yeah.
My condition is 100% mental.
Hysterical blindness?
It's not that funny to me,
Thomas.
No, I know. What I mean is,
it means there's hope for you
to see again.
Right?
People say that,
but I've tried everything.
Hypnosis, drugs...
I even hired this guy Barry
to follow me around
and scare me
in parking structures.
He'd just be like, "Hey!"
Turns out this is not like
having the hiccups.
Well, there must be something.
Well, there is, like,
this one psychologist,
up in this clinic in Germany,
that does, like,
really cutting-edge stuff.
But it's so expensive.
Well, how much
does this doctor charge?
$500,000.
- Damn!
- I know!
But Dr. Schauffhaussen
is that gifted.
Forget about it.
What is sight worth, anyways?
$500,000?
Seems so.
She's using all your tricks!
Fine.
Let's use some of hers.
But enough about me.
Let's talk about you.
What's your story?
No, well, no story, really.
These French investor guys,
uh, flew me out here,
I guess to hear
about my new venture.
- Oh.
- But I'm starting to feel like
they just want
another YaBurnt.
- Ya-what?
- YaBurnt.
It's an app that I designed.
Oh.
Like an appetizer?
I love 'em
when they're bottomless.
That's good!
- No, not an appetizer.
- Oh.
An app like an application
for a smartphone.
Oh, okay.
But my new concept,
it's something that I think
could really help people...
if anyone would actually
listen to what I have in mind.
I get it.
You're a really kind guy.
I could see that...
If only I could see.
Penny...
Penny, what is the name of
that doctor you told me about?
Oh, um...
Doctor...
Schauffhaussen.
- Schauffhaussen.
- Schauffhaussen.
How do you spell that?
Is that S-C-H?
- Sure.
- Okay.
Wait, what are you doing?
I'm looking him up online.
Not much is known
about the good doctor.
I hear he's a recluse.
No, I found his website.
- Really?
- Awesome.
Whoa.
No, here's an e-mail address.
Okay, you're kidding me.
Whoa. No way.
- Yeah.
- No way.
I've sent something.
There we go.
- See what happens.
- Thomas, no, you...
- Oh...
- No.
You really shouldn't have.
Let's not get our hopes up.
Okay.
He responded!
Of course he did.
Oh,
it's an out-of-office reply.
Oh.
Let's see
if he's on social media.
Oh, my God.
- No way! Oh, my God.
- What?
Uh, excuse me, sir?
Hi. Uh, hi. My name's Thomas
and my friend Penny really,
really needs your help.
I just saw your photo
on Instagram,
and I had to come find you.
This is beyond coincidence.
It means something
that you're here. Um...
So, what do you say,
Dr. Schauffhaussen?
Will you help my friend?
Siri, I need to learn German.
That is not German.
That is Dutch.
Oh, um...
Hi, we met
at the roulette table.
That is incorrect.
We did not meet.
Otherwise,
you would know that I...
You're Dr. Schauffhaussen?
Precisely.
Auf Wiedersehen.
No, wait, Dr. Schauffhaussen.
I'm sorry if I offended you.
I am not offended.
It's just that
I looked you up online,
I couldn't find a photo
and, I don't know,
I just didn't think
you would be a woman.
I am offended now.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Please don't punish Penny
for my sexism.
Penny?
Is this Penny from
Cootamundra, Australia?
Yes! Yeah, that's her.
I remember her letters.
Such a tragic case.
- Good luck to you both.
- Wait.
Dr. Schauffhaussen,
what do I have to do
to get you to
see her here, tonight?
- Young man...
- Thomas.
Thomas,
it would be inappropriate
and unprofessional of me
to see patients
while on my holiday.
Well, if it's a matter
of money, I can...
You haven't given her
any money, have you?
Well, some.
But just for her sister.
You must not,
under any circumstances,
give the patient money.
Otherwise,
this reinforces the notion
that she's totally disabled
rendering the treatment kaput!
Wait, so you will treat her?
I agree
to an initial examination.
- Yes!
- I am too much the softie.
Where is she now?
Penny?
Coming.
Just one second! One sec.
I've got
a surprise for ya.
- Thomas, where did you go?
- Yeah?
You'll never guess
who I found.
- Who?
- Who do you think?
It's Dr. Frederika
Schauffhaussen.
Oh, she can't believe it!
Believe it, Fraulein.
I am here to help you,
dear girl.
Dr. Schauffhaussen was having
dinner at the hotel tonight.
I saw her Insta post.
Isn't it incredible?
Incredible.
I must make
my assessment of the patient.
- Thomas?
- Yes?
I require a chair.
A warning.
My methods are unorthodox.
You understand?
- Yes.
- Thank you.
Remove your person
from the treatment space.
Oh. Okay, uh, here?
Sit.
So, you can see
absolutely nothing?
No shapes, no light, no color?
No, nothing at all.
That's what I said...
Silence!
Hey, I need that.
You will no longer use
this crutch of the mind.
Stubborn like the patient.
I see.
You do not, but I see.
Has the test started yet?
Impressive.
Okay, Penny.
How about this?
I am funneling the air
directly into your eye cavity.
My mouth hole is very narrow.
You should
not be feeling this.
I just smell salmon.
It's very interesting.
The body reacts,
but the mind does not.
Penny, I would like you
to have a little snack.
But you must guess the food
that you're eating, ja?
Yeah,
that sounds easy enough.
I will ready the snack.
Okay, Penny.
Here comes
the choo-choo train.
Open wide.
Aah...
What is that?
A french fry.
Mmm. Can I have another one?
You are
a very good blind person.
As such, you must surely know
the number of steps
between you and the door.
Uh-huh.
And the number from the door
to the elevator.
Because this is how the visually
impaired function in the world.
Otherwise you would be running
into things all the time, ja?
Yeah, I know all the steps.
Ja.
Okay, Penny.
I have opened the door.
An unobstructed path exists.
I want you to run
full-speed down hallway
and stop in front
of the elevator.
You can do this, then, ja?
Yeah, well, of course, then.
Yeah, it's pretty simple
for a blind person
to just run
in a straight line, so...
As fast as you can. Go!
- Um, now?
- Ja!
Penny!
I will take the case.
Come, Thomas,
I give you a tour.
Okay.
- Should we... Oh.
- Come.
Quickly now.
- But what about...
- Thank you.
Is this it?
Hello?
We're here?
Hello? Uh...
Oh, it's on.
Dr. Schauffhaussen,
about your fee.
I have to move
a few things around,
but I'll have it for you
really soon.
- Oh.
- Hey, guys?
I think somebody accidentally
locked the front door.
Guys? Guys, are you there?
Whoa! Uh, sorry!
I hope that wasn't a priceless
work of art or anything!
What if she gets hurt
out there?
This is precisely why
we do not intervene, Thomas.
Negative reinforcement
is the prescription.
It is our job, yours und mine,
- to have fun.
- Fun?
- Fun.
- Okay.
You're thinking
I am loony tune, ja?
- I am not.
- No?
If we do this in front
of Penny, have the fun,
she will want nothing
more than to join us
in our seeing fun.
Yeah.
Why do I smell clinical
strength lady douche wipes?
Oh.
Very strong.
No pity, Thomas. Only fun.
I also smell early menopause.
Now, the house.
Why are we doing this again?
Just as you take
Thomas's arm when we walk,
so you take my leash
when we ride.
That makes zero sense.
A hill approaches.
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
- Merci.
- Merci, merci.
This Cabernet.
Oh, I love this one.
It turns quite chewy,
- und you can really taste oak.
- Can I have some?
Oh. Of course, Penny.
You may have some of mine.
Oh.
Is there a glass here?
You may drink the wine
when you see the glass
well enough to seize it.
Oh. Oh, God. Did I spill
something just now?
Oh, I'm so clumsy.
Dr. Schauffhaussen,
um, let me help you.
Oh, no. I feel terrible.
Did I spill wine on your...
Waiter!
Uh, are you sure that
this is helping Penny?
Oh, trust me,
this is for Penny's sake.
Okay.
You should see us, Penny.
Thomas and I are dancing.
Oh, I wish I could.
But you can, Penny. You can.
Yeah, I could also
eat my own shit,
but I'm not doing that either.
It's okay, I'll just stand
here minding your bag.
She's got a fuzzbox
and knows how to use it.
Pardon?
Your friend with the bony ass
grinding away
on that poor boy.
Oh.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind so much.
It's just that he used to be
my boyfriend.
He was not!
And she's my best friend.
She is not!
Oh, my God.
Babe, you are, like,
actually blind.
Oh, babe.
Blind as in "can't see" blind?
It was when I lost my sight
that she moved in on him.
Shut up.
Watch us, Penny.
The way our bodies
move in unison.
So sensual.
Right. I'm hitting her
really hard in her vagina.
It's just if I could work out
some way to get him alone,
then maybe he wouldn't
call off the wedding.
You leave it with us,
all right? I mean,
we are practically
professionals,
my little blind poppet.
Girls, toilet.
That color looks boss on you.
Danke.
What is this?
It's a little thing
we invented called Varma.
Karma.
Karma.
Oh, it is on.
It is on like Kim Kardashian.
- Is that nice?
- Yeah, you want some?
- Oh, uh, yeah, sure.
- Oh, sorry.
Uh...
Yeah. Thank you.
Uh, it's kinda weird
that Dr. Schauffhaussen
just disappeared
like that, right?
Germans are so spontaneous.
It's probably just part of her
crazy treatment plan.
Yeah, don't give up
on that, Penny, okay?
I mean, I know that it's hard,
but there's so much that
you deserve to see.
Like this view,
and these lights,
and the face you make
when you think
I'm being a dork.
What, this one?
Yeah, that one.
But that one...
- That one's my favorite.
- What?
- That one.
- No, what?
Shut up.
Well, you'll just
have to take my word for it.
As the sole sighted person
between us,
you're beautiful, Penny.
Anyway, I'm sure
Dr. Schauffhaussen's gonna
break out
the big psychological guns
once I actually
give her the fee.
Oh, um, yeah, about that.
I was gonna say to you,
is it possible
to give me the money
and then I'll just give it
to Dr. Schauffhaussen?
- Oh.
- I know this will sound silly,
but it would just make me feel
like I'm less of a charity case.
Totally. I completely
understand. I, um...
I just have to, uh,
sell the last of my stock.
Wait, don't you own, like,
the whole company?
You're, like, so rich.
- No.
- No?
No. Um...
The algorithm
for YaBurnt was mine,
but the seed investors
actually bought me out.
Yeah, for how much?
A cool million.
Um, but I only have
400,000 left.
Uh, but it's okay. My nana's gonna...
She's gonna loan me the rest.
So, after you pay the
Dr. Schauffhaussen fee, you'd be broke?
Yeah, but it's fine.
Because I have
a lot of good ideas,
and hoodies are cheap.
I don't get it though.
Why would you
bankrupt yourself
for someone
you don't even know?
Like, I'm a stranger.
Well, my nana...
My nana always said
that the best thing
money can do is good.
And you getting
to see again is good.
Plus, you're not a stranger.
You're Penny.
Yes, I am.
Honey, I'm home.
Oh, please.
You think I can't handle
the Real Housewives of Essex?
It took a considerable
amount of limoncello
and several rounds
of arm wrestling,
but c'est la vie.
The bet's off, Jo.
Oh, don't go, Penny.
You've taught me
so much about love.
We need to find another mark.
No, absolutely not.
I have had about
as much of this
absurd interlude with you
as I can bear.
Those are decorative.
He's a good guy, Jo.
That's a moxy-noron, Pen.
Okay, you know,
back in the day
when I was just catfishing,
there was always this one
moment where I would decide,
"I'm gonna take your money."
And it wasn't when they fell
for the superficial
hot girl bait
or when they texted dick pics
like complete animals.
It was when
we'd meet up in person
and I'd come in
and he'd just
look at me like that.
And that's when I'd decide
to rob him blind.
But when Thomas looks at me,
he doesn't do that.
He's just different.
He's a genuinely nice person.
Yeah, but we're not
nice women, Penny, are we?
And this isn't
a likability contest.
Lucky for you, 'cause I'd win.
Would you?
Please.
Thomas loves me.
He loves you?
Like, I mean he'll do
whatever I want.
Well, then it appears
we have our solution.
If you don't have
the stomach to take money
from your darling Thomas,
darling Thomas
becomes the bet.
But I thought
you didn't nail your marks.
Evidently, we must up the ante
in this little game of ours.
Unless, of course,
you feel you're outmatched.
Please.
Guys love asses,
but not when there's something
already stuck up there.
Then we're agreed.
Thomas is the bet.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, okay.
I should really get to bed,
'cause I've got such a big day
of seduction tomorrow.
Oh, absolutely.
How about a bedtime story?
- Oh, no, that's not necessary.
- Albert!
Oh. Hi.
- Thank you.
- Oh, that's not good.
I do so admire their spirit.
Less so their spray tans.
Ladies.
All right, my babe.
Ah.
Oh, so you thought
you could play us, yeah?
Ladies, I can explain.
Babes, this is not
a good situation for you.
My cousin's got the blinds
- from the diabetes.
- Diabetes.
Don't go to the hotel now, Jo.
Give it the night. He'll be
more energetic in the morning.
Oh,
you're not going anywhere.
Ladies, pass me the superglue.
- Thomas.
- Dr. Schauffhaussen.
Please...
Call me Frederika.
Okay.
Oh, God. I'm sorry.
Come on in.
Um...
Thank you.
A little treat for us.
We've been working so hard
for sweet Penny.
We deserve to be
a little selfish, ja?
Some say these
are an aphrodisiac.
- Oh, no, thank...
- Oh!
Oh, God.
I'm so sorry, Doctor...
No! I got it.
It's fine, it's fine.
I got it, I got it. It's...
Thank you.
Thomas...
I must be candid.
I'm here
under false pretenses.
- You are?
- Ja.
Okay.
I hope
this isn't inappropriate,
but would you help me
with mein coding?
"Mein coding"?
Ja, I'm having trouble
with my website.
- Oh, coding!
- Hmm.
Yeah, sure. What seems
to be the problem?
Well...
When I use JavaScript,
the HTTP crawler
is not scraping
the metadata correctly
and I am losing
the CSS properties.
Well, did you try parsing the
CSS separately using regex?
I did not.
Hmm.
Fixed! Well, it's been
a really long day.
I'm exhausted, so I'm gonna...
Are you aware that
it is a full moon tonight?
Ah.
I love to feel the air
on my skin.
Right. Aren't you
kinda cold though?
What are you doin'?
I feel reckless tonight,
Thomas.
Okay, that's not funny.
Can you come inside now?
If I fell, would you catch me?
Stop it.
Don't.
Don't!
Oh!
Thomas.
- Dr. Schauffhaussen...
- Frederika.
You've taught me so much
about discipline...
I can teach you more.
- ...and integrity.
- Ja, sure.
I think we should keep things
professional between us.
- Aw...
- For Penny's sake.
For Penny's sake?
Of course.
Well, I'll just...
Go.
Auf Wiedersehen.
Wait.
Mmm. Thomas.
Oh. Albert? Albert.
Hey, man.
Um... Just a shot in the dark.
Do you happen to have
superglue remover?
Holy crap.
How did you have that?
Yeah, that's awesome.
Yes. Legend.
Uh...
Albert?
Oh, come on,
that's just cruel!
Ow!
Hey, you. Hey.
Do you know who
Josephine Chesterfield is?
Or Dr. Schauffhaussen?
Oui, mademoiselle.
We know all her aliases.
She's very generous.
Uh...
Hmm? All right,
so was she here last night?
Oui, with the tech boy.
Damn it. Okay, um...
Well, wait. When she left,
did she seem, like,
you know, satisfied?
Like, you know, like,
she'd got some?
- Oh, no.
- No?
She hasn't left yet.
Yeah, I know you won.
I'm getting outta here.
Uh... What did I...
What did I win?
Thomas,
what are you doing here?
I'm here
to say goodbye.
Where's Dr. Schauffhaussen,
then?
Um... I don't know.
This morning,
she kind of left in a hurry
and now I have to go.
The investors are, um,
they're flying me home.
I just needed to say,
Penny, you're the one genuine,
good thing that happened
to me here.
Anyway, um...
Bye, Penny.
Thomas, wait! Don't go!
Penny!
Oh, my God!
Penny, are you okay?
This has been a brutal week.
Dick.
Wait, Penny,
could you just see Albert?
Uh...
Did you just look at me?
Can you see me?
Is your hair brownish?
Yes! Yes, it is!
Wait, Penny.
Can you read that?
No, that's in French.
Oh. Sorry.
What about this?
"Social anxiety. You're not
the problem, the world is."
Yes! Penny, you can see!
I can finally see your face!
- Oh, that's probably a bummer.
- No, come off it!
- You got such a nice face.
- Oh.
I guess
Dr. Schauffhaussen's money
was put to good use, huh?
What do you mean?
You didn't give her
the 500,000, did you?
Yeah, of course.
I wanted to make sure that
your treatment continued.
No, no. But that was
all that you had.
It was worth
every penny, Penny.
Wait a minute.
I don't understand.
You're giving me $500,000?
My sister just won
the lottery in Australia.
And she used my birthday
and my bra size,
so she owes me.
I can't let you cover
my medical expenses.
Well, regardless,
I cannot accept this.
Thomas, no, I insist.
Well, I resist.
Stop. It's a $2 transaction
fee every time.
Oh, shit. Well,
it's in your account now.
No take-backs.
Okay.
Penny...
Do you wanna come?
- Come with me.
- I'm not coming with you.
Why not?
'Cause you don't know me.
Not the real me.
Well, I'd like to,
if you ever change your mind.
All right.
What have you done?
How could you let him leave?
What are you
talking about?
You won the bet.
Stop!
Come back! Come back!
Come back! No! No!
Aw, the plane didn't
stop for the crazy lady.
Here she comes.
Walk of shame. Walk of shame.
Walk of shame.
Last night I went to his room
and, yes,
I tried to seduce him.
And I thought I was
getting somewhere, too,
because he turned out
the lights,
but it was only to show me
a PowerPoint presentation
all about his new app.
Once he had
finished his pitch,
I assumed we'd go to bed.
Then he said
he's bit of a germophobe,
so would I mind
taking a shower,
and I was insulted,
but I complied
for the sake of the bet.
And when I emerged, he was
gone, my clothes were gone,
my jewelry,
my phone, my laptop,
even my limited edition
Jimmy Choos!
Come off it.
You expect me to believe
that that kind guy tried to
jack your Jimmy Choos
when he just
returned to me $500,000
that I tried to give him?
Why did you give him $500,000?
Because that's the amount
you stole from him.
No!
That is what I'm saying,
tits for brains!
I didn't steal from him.
I invested in his app!
How much?
$500,000.
It's from Thomas.
No!
Let me see! Let me see!
"Penny, I honestly meant
what I said just now,
but here's the thing.
Con artists make
the best marks of all.
I was taught that by my nana.
Or as you may know her...
Medusa."
That means...
You're Thomas's nana.
- Oh, you sick perv!
- No! Christ, Penny!
Clearly, Thomas's nana
was Medusa,
and she passed the torch on to
him and now he's the new Medusa.
What is wrong with you?
He didn't transfer me
the Bitcoin back.
He still has my 500,000.
And my 500,000.
Did we just give that boy
a million dollars?
Are you kidding me?
- Of all the lying...
- No!
...two-faced, conniving,
- cheating, slimy...
- Dude, are you serious?
...millennial bastard
hacker grifter...
I'm so angry
and horny right now!
...shit-stain assholes,
he is the worst!
But he is kinda awesome,
too, right?
Albert, I'm sorry for calling
your balls skeletal.
I know there's nothing
hard down there.
Suck it.
Thanks for letting me
stay the extra two weeks.
One more than agreed upon.
Yeah, it was cozy, wasn't it?
Mmm!
What will
your next chapter be?
I was thinking
of going to Thailand.
Maybe Bangkok
or Phuket.
Phuket.
No, that's not how you say it.
What's this?
It's your cut of the
"Lord of the Rings" con.
- Oh!
- Minus expenses, of course.
Wardrobe, catering,
prosthetics, et cetera.
And the cost of the vases
that you broke.
And the plumbing issues
I caused.
- What?
- Hmm?
Au revoir.
Yello! Make a hole,
people. Make a hole.
'Scuse me, comin' through.
Come on, Ritchie
comin' through, baby.
'Scuse me, 'scuse me.
Thank you very much.
Okay, yeah.
Thank you very much.
All right. Okay.
Intros.
Cathy! Cathy, baby,
you get that
rock-hard caboose
up here this minute.
Ritchie, slow down!
I have to catch my breath.
Oh, shut it, doll.
You're in mint condition
and you know it.
Okay, so here's the story.
I was showing Cathy here
some luxury property in Capri,
when I realized
that this lady's
got some high-class taste.
And I don't just mean
for real estate, nope.
Cathy's an animal lover, see,
but she doesn't just like
regular doggies and birdies.
She likes special furry
friends who are maybe, oh,
a little illegal.
Is that right, Cathy?
Yes it is. Now, Cathy, what is
it you wanted to start?
It was a monastery
or something?
A rare animal sanctuary
and spa.
I love it.
So I say to Cathy,
"You'll have to meet
my friends."
We hopped in the dinghy,
we set sail, and here we are!
Cathy, I want y'all to meet
South Africa's
most celebrated and discreet
endangered species dealer,
Imka Bekker.
Say, what's wrong, Imka?
Exotic cat got your tongue?
No.
Howzit, Cathy?
It's such a pleasure to meet
a fellow wildlife enthusiast.
I love the springboks, myself.
Oh! Me too. Me too.
Look at me
being a total jackass.
I forgot to introduce Imka's
right-hand woman.
Ladies and gentlemen,
if y'all ever need
a crocodile just wrestled
into submission,
Sheila Malarkey is your gal.
Oh, but Sheila lost
her tongue tragically
to a very small but ferocious
red-crested wombat.
God bless her soul.
Shame.
She can sign, though.
Can't you, Sheila?
Yes.
Yes, she can.
- Okey-dokey.
- Yoh. Okay, okay.
What's she saying?
Okey-dokey.
She says, everyone, please,
up to the house and please
enjoy some of her ice cream.
That's right,
ladies and gentlemen.
Who likes ice cream?
I scream, you scream.
Everybody follow me,
ladies and gentlemen.
We're headin' up this
stone path, right here.
Cathy, take this.
Everybody, look at Cathy.
She's the alpha dog.
I want you to follow her
all the way up.
Keep going! At the top,
you're gonna find a little penguin man.
He's gonna spark the fuse
on the barbecue, baby,
'cause we're havin'
red meat, baby!
This year I made $6 million.
So far.
Impressive.
How irritating.
But together,
we could make so much more.
So much more.
You guys are fantastic
at what you do.
My nana would
absolutely love you.
The three of us...
that'd be one hell of a team.
You played me.
Penny, the only thing I never
lied about was you.
Listen...
First million pays us back.
The second million
will be your apology.
Yeah, and if you ever
double-cross us again,
I withhold sex
for a whole year.
Or six months.
No, let's go with 24 hours.
For like...
Until midmorning,
I will not be open as a shop.
- You done?
- Okay.
So don't cross us ever again.
Deal.
So, are we doin' this?
Come on!
They went down this way.
Hurry up!
Damn it! We lost them.
How could you lose them?
How could you
give 'em 200,000?
Uh, designer nipples
are not cheap.
Plus, that's like
500 American dollars.
- It really isn't.
- Hey! Hey, buddy!
Did you see two women
run by here a minute ago?
Oh, uh, yeah,
with massive wads of cash?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Uh, they ran that way.
Well, let's go!
Come on!
Radio for backup or somethin'.
Lucky Christmas dress,
you did it again.
I must say, Penny,
these outfits
are terribly clever.
Old but gold.
Happy Christmas.
Thomas, I got you a present.
Thank you, Santa.
Oh, I'm still here.
Hortense, is that
what that's used for?
I don't see any butter
on that knife.
Now, Enrique, you were saying
that even though you yourself
have benefited economically
from immigrating to America,
you don't feel
any additional Guatemalans
should be allowed
into Palm Beach?
Yes, I believe we're at the
tipping point in this moment...
What ist thou looking at?
Stop skulking in the corner.
Thy had thy hand
on Rosalind's bosom!
Dost thou deny it?
Oh, sweet Hortense
had her suitor's body exhumed
the day after he was trampled.
It's folly, though.
The family
will never accept him.
You just don't like him
because he's black.
Sister, may I please sing
my song now?
Ooh, yes, of course,
darling, of course.
Hortense has written a song
to celebrate our engagement.
Isn't that marvelous?
No, wait, I wanted the lute.
It is the lute.
Hmm.
All right, this is
a Hortense original.
Wedding!
Death!
She had the finest
tutors, but you can't teach talent.
Bon appetit!
Hey, man. Can I get
two vodka sodas, please?
Sure.
Thank you.
You know what?
Go ahead and keep that
for yourself, all right?
Oh, thanks, man.
Yeah, I can't wait
to meet you, too, Madison.
Oh, those babies are legit.
Jeremy?
Uh, no, sorry.
- But this is you, isn't it?
- Well, yeah,
- but you can't be...
- Yeah, Madison.
Yeah, I am.
Joke! Oh, my God.
- You should see your face.
- Oh, my God.
- No, obviously I'm not her.
- Okay. Oh, man.
- No. 'Course I'm not Madison.
- Thank Christ!
Because honestly
I was shitting myself there.
I mean, no offense.
Oh, none taken.
It's really risky
meeting people online.
You never know if people
are gonna be as ugly
on the outside
as they are on the inside.
- Yeah, right, exactly.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm sorry,
is Madison on her way?
Uh, no, no, no.
Madison's not coming.
What? Why?
Well, she sent me to see
if you were truly
in love with her
and clearly you're not,
so goodbye, Jeremy.
Wait! No, no, no, wait.
Of course I love her.
I have been texting with her
for, like, a frigging month!
This is the girl that I'm
gonna let keep my babies
and I will pay her
her due child support.
I will visit
every other weekend
and say hi to the kids
and put 'em on my lap
and whatever you do, okay?
That is how much I love her.
I swear to Christ!
But can you love
her birth defect?
'Course I can.
I mean,
it's on the inside, right?
Like, it's in her brain
or in her heart?
When Madison was born,
she was born with A cups.
- No, but her photos, they...
- Yeah.
What you're looking at there
is expert contouring
and well-placed
chicken cutlets.
She's really a double-A,
if I'm gonna be, like,
honest with you.
A triple-A in some brands.
Basically, if her tits
were batteries,
they'd go into a watch.
That's why she didn't
wanna come here
and meet you in real life.
Well, not until she has
the boob job, anyways.
Wait, she's getting
a boob job?
When is that happening, then?
- In a year.
- A year?
Well, silicone doesn't
just grow on trees.
- She has to save up.
- Well, how much does she need?
Just, like, $300.
500 if she's gonna
go full bouncy castle.
Okay.
You know what?
Tell her I'll give her
the $500.
I just want her to be happy.
- That is so selfless of you.
- I know.
Do you prefer Venmo or PayPal?
Venmo's fine.
That's her!
The fake tit-job bitch!
Get her!
I needed a new scene anyway.
She stole
my money, man!
Move!
Out of my way, come on!
Hey, where do I send
the money?
Go!
Hey, stop that woman!
Hey, you! Stop!
Go after her! Quick!
You let her get away!
Well, at least we didn't
give her $500 first! Idiot.
Trashy dress,
you did it again.
Hmph!
Begone!
You French women are bad luck!
And shave your armpits.
Please.
Well, come on, deal again!
Our apologies, monsieur,
but you are out of credit.
Hold on,
I may have a solution.
How's this for credit?
It's beautiful, monsieur.
But I cannot accept it.
Why the hell not?
I'm afraid
rumor has it that you are
selling your wife's jewels
to bankroll
your gambling debts.
That is an outrageous slur!
Hey. Whiskey.
Uh, excuse me? Excuse me?
How much
are the red ones worth?
- Uh, one thousand.
- And the blue ones?
Five thousand.
I love that game
with the wheel and the ball
and the numbers.
I don't even really know
how to play.
Hello.
Uh, hello.
My name is Mathias Albrecht
von Rdinger der Kleinzogen
Hindenburg-an-Sohr.
And you are?
- Janet.
- Janet.
What an enchanting name.
You're American, yes?
- Yes.
- I'm Danish.
Like the pastry?
Yeah. Yeah.
So, what brings you
to the South of France?
An airplane.
Yes, and why are you here?
Oh. Well, um...
I thought
I would treat myself.
I just won some money
in the lottery.
Wow. How much did you win?
$87 million!
I'm sorry,
I don't speak foreign.
Janet...
I have something in my pants
that I think
you're going to like.
- Ew.
- No, no, no.
This.
Oh.
This belonged to my dear mama.
- May I?
- Yes.
Sadly, I have to sell it,
'cause it reminds me
too much of her.
Is it valuable?
It's very valuable, yes.
$500,000.
I like it 'cause it's shiny.
And you're in luck.
It's for sale.
That's crazy. I...
Do I have enough here?
- How much is this worth?
- That is a coaster.
And sadly, no, you don't.
But maybe you could pay
the difference in another way?
I have a 9:00
dinner reservation.
As do I.
Well, I have my reputation
to think of.
As do I.
I have a boyfriend.
As do I.
Freeze!
Inspector Desjardins
of Beaumont-Sur-Mer police.
Get up.
Okay.
Who sent you? My wife?
Do you take bribes?
Not you. Her.
- She is under arrest.
- What?
Those chips were stolen
from this pathetic old man.
This woman is
an international con artist.
No, no, no.
She's just a dumb American.
No, it's true.
She lured this man
with the promise
of a private performance
of her college
gymnastics routine.
Here.
Hmm?
Now,
give back the bracelet.
It would take
an expert to spot the fake.
- Or his wife.
- Hmm.
Thank you, Albert,
for everything.
Excellent research, Brigitte.
The mark was perfect.
As you always say...
You can't cheat an honest man.
Now, I have a buyer in Zurich,
so I shall see you
in a few days. Au revoir.
- Oh.
- Oh!
Sorry. Comin' through.
I'll take the filet mignon.
Very good, sir.
Is this seat taken?
I'm starving.
I could murder a triple
cheeseburger right now.
Or...
I'll just get
a glass of water, please.
- Is that all, madam?
- Yeah, that's it.
I'll just help myself
to the sugar packets.
They're free, right?
- Yes.
- Yeah.
Mmm.
That'll fill me up.
I've to save all my money
'cause I'm here
to find my sister.
This is her.
- That is your sister?
- Half-sister.
But we're like sisters.
- What's happened to her?
- She's been taken.
Taken? Like...
Like by men who sell
hot white virgins
to evil, bearded
kajillionaires on yachts.
- Really?
- The whole irony is,
it was her friend she was with
who was the massive slut.
Tiffany.
Tiffany is the slut?
So, I roughed up these guys,
and they said to me,
"Premium-grade Australian
meat on auction tomorrow."
That fits my sister's
description perfectly,
- don't you think?
- Yes.
So, I'm gonna get on that boat
and buy her back.
Look, I am very moved
by your story.
- Order anything you like.
- No, no, no.
- Please, no?
- No!
- Please, no?
- No, I couldn't.
Please, I insist.
I'll have a club sandwich,
and an order of fries,
order of onion rings,
I'll take the shrimp cocktail.
Is that good? How fresh is it?
What's the soup of the day?
Is it cold? 'Cause, ew, gross.
That's disgusting.
Why have cold soup?
Just give me a Caesar salad.
And then two slices of cake.
- Do you want any cake?
- No.
Three slices of cake
and a Diet Coke.
Thank you.
Will this
be satisfactory, miss?
Yes, this will do.
Once again, I apologize
for the flickering lights
in coach.
Epilepsy is a cruel mistress.
Thank you.
- Hey.
- Hello.
Forgive me, but I couldn't
help but overhear
your conversation
in the dining car.
- My condolences.
- Hmm?
About your sister's
treacherous predicament.
Oh. She'll be all right.
Hmm.
Do you mind if I ask
how long your sister's been
held against her will?
Oh. Listen, um...
Josephine Chesterfield.
Penny Rust.
Delighted.
Eh, what's up?
Uh, listen, I think this is
gonna be a really long ride
and clearly you're, like,
an exhausting person.
So, I'm just gonna say this.
I don't even have a sister.
Are you saying
you lied to that man?
I don't wanna
say it too loudly.
I'm a con artist.
I con.
But that man
was so kind to you,
and he bought your dinner.
Only after I showed him
a picture of a hot chick.
See, women have feelings.
So, like, you just
had sympathy or pity,
or, I don't know,
the other feeling
and men see that quality in us
and exploit us.
So all I'm doin' is, like...
Put that thing down
Flip it and reverse it
And then I'm now
exploiting them.
Are there many women
in your industry?
Uh... Sisters in arms,
as it were?
Well, not at my level, no.
Yes, clearly you're in a class
of your own.
Oh! Except,
of course there's Medusa.
Oh?
She's like the O.G. lady
con artist.
People say she could
freeze a man's assets
with just one look.
Well...
My horizons have certainly
been expanded this evening.
Where will the wind
take you next?
I'm going to this town
on the Med,
Beaumont-Sur-Mer.
Get this, apparently it's
crawling with rich dudes.
Well, I'm afraid
you've been misinformed.
You see,
I live in Beaumont-Sur-Mer
and I think you'll find
it's a lesbian community.
- Really?
- Oh, yes.
Honestly, you'd do better
staying on to Portofino.
Well, maybe I could
work a woman.
I don't know how you...
Yeah, I could give it a go.
But isn't your philosophy
based on exploiting men?
Penny? Penny.
Sorry, were you... Sorry.
I was just playing this game
on my phone.
Yes, of course.
I just have to call my mother
to let them know
what time to expect me.
Please.
So, do you have
a car here?
I do.
Oh, great. Do you mind if I,
like, scab a lift off you?
What?
You leaving the party already?
Afraid so. Cheerio.
Penny?
Did you say Portofino
was the next stop?
Yo, Portofino is
going to be turnt!
What?
I don't know
what you just said,
but the answer is oui.
How was last night?
It was all I could arrange
on such short notice.
Jean and Lil Baguette
were perfect.
May I ask the reason
for their involvement?
I encountered
a sort of pale gypsy
who thought herself
something of a grifter.
Surely she was
no match for you?
Hmm, one can never be
too careful, Brigitte.
A poacher
who shoots at rabbits
may scare big game away.
Speaking of...
Next we have Gregor Gregorsky.
Made his fortune
in office supplies,
married four times.
He's a romantic.
And he should be arriving...
now.
Who is that with him?
You must save your beautiful
sister before she is defiled.
I know,
'cause once she is defiled,
she's, like, less special,
don't you reckon?
Brigitte.
Right away.
Gregor, you have no idea
what this money will do.
Hit it, Marcel!
I'm flying!
Oh, shit!
Hey!
Merci.
Mmm, mmm.
All right.
Let's go, boys, one more time!
You want to press charges?
Da.
Her sister is probably
not even virgin.
He gave me the money!
What laws
have I actually broken?
Oh.
Contraction. Mmm.
The stress
is not good for the baby.
Ooh, my little baby.
Ooh.
We are a tight-knit community
in Beaumont-Sur-Mer,
mademoiselle.
We do not want your kind here.
What?
Oh, yeah, yeah, right, yeah.
I've heard about
your little community.
And that's...
That's actually why I came.
To do some, like,
experimenting.
You know...
Ooh!
Ooh.
Oh, no, wrong thing.
Inspector?
Don't you think we can just
work something out?
Just between us girls?
I don't date pregnant women.
Oh, wait! Actually, um,
I know somebody here!
You know someone
in Beaumont-Sur-Mer?
Yeah, yeah.
I bet you'd know her, too.
She's, like, really rich,
really important.
She looks like a librarian's
corpse, only less lively.
She would have
your ass for this.
Oh, I see.
What's her name?
- Oh, her name...
- Mmm-hmm?
...is Joanna...
Regina.
Regina Charleston.
It's Charlotte...
Pemberton.
It's Pamela. Pernilla.
Pendy Simmons.
No, wait, it's...
Janet Maxfield.
Ha! Charlotte Josephson.
Josephine Chesterfield?
Yeah, that is her!
We should...
We should call her.
Get her on the line.
Tell her to
set me free, please!
Penny, the charges against you
aren't very serious,
but it appears
Inspector Desjardins
is keeping you here
for your own protection.
From what?
The man you swindled
is a prominent figure
of the Russian mafia.
Shit.
If you were to be released,
you would
most certainly be killed,
or worse.
Well, there has to be
another option!
One moment.
Oui.
Penny, what do you have on you
by way of liquidity?
Uh...
I think I have a travel-size
K-Y Jelly in my bag.
It's peach-flavored.
Cash, Penny. How much cash
do you have at your disposal?
I have about 10 or 8...
Yeah, $8,000.
That might be enough to get you out
of the country, but you must promise
never ever,
under any circumstances,
to come back
to Beaumont-Sur-Mer
ever again.
- Pinky promise.
- Hold on, Penny.
The nightmare is almost over.
Hey, listen,
- I may have been a bit of bitch when we first met.
- Oh.
And when I talked about you
behind your back.
- Hmm?
- And when I posted this.
- Huh.
- But you did me a solid
getting me out of jail,
so I think
you're a pretty top chick.
Try to be as inconspicuous
as possible.
I know it's difficult for you,
but it's better to go
unnoticed by Gregor's henchmen.
Au revoir.
Well, I don't get
what that means.
Yo, I'm just gonna
blend in with you guys.
Hey.
Oh!
Dude! What are you...
You can't just sneak up
on a lady like that!
Hmm. You're not
really my type...
But the pilot's busy, so...
Let's just make this quick.
I feel like they're about
to serve the meal.
- Where is it?
- What?
Where is it?
Hey...
Nazi Gollum, you're gonna
have to speak more clearly.
- Where is it?
- What?
I saw you talking with her
in the airport.
Josephine?
Is that her real name?
- Are you with her?
- Um...
No, I think maybe
the police chick is?
They could just be friends.
I don't know.
It's hard to tell nowadays.
So, the police woman's
part of it?
- Part of what?
- The hustle!
Hmm?
She stole my wife's
diamond bracelet!
It's worth
half a million dollars!
Shit the bed.
And now my wife
is filing for divorce.
Are you working
with her or not?
No! No, no.
Um...
No, I'm actually
working for ASSES.
What?
ASSES? Have you not
heard of that?
It's the, um,
Australian Securities Services
Intelligently Spying.
- Don't you mean ASIO?
- No.
No, they're wankers.
ASSES.
It's the place to be.
And I'm deep, deep,
deep in ASSES.
I'm trying to
bring her to justice.
- Okay, good.
- Yeah.
Good. How can I help?
Well, sir, um...
I believe we should
start by having sex
as a cover.
What was that?
I have standards.
As do I.
I need to take a nap.
As do I.
I have many STDs, so...
As do I.
Mesdames et messieurs,
please fasten your seat belts.
We are experiencing some
unexpected turbulence.
Phew!
My quads are burning!
Ow! Ow!
Bloody hell!
No. Okay.
Oh, yeah.
I'm gonna puke.
I'm gonna hold it.
I can hold it.
- Penny.
- Hello, Janet.
Or should I say...
Medusa?
- I am not Medusa.
- Really?
Take this to the guestroom,
butlery person.
Okay, I may need to borrow
a toothbrush, leggings,
some thongs.
Oh! Some "going out" thongs.
Do we have a problem?
Ah! Captain Pantsuit,
in on it as well?
All wrapped up
in this kebab of lies?
Everything is fine, Brigitte.
You and Albert may go.
Yeah. Bye, girls.
I'll take my lunch
by the pool!
Just letting you know,
I'm salad intolerant.
What do you want,
Penny?
I want this!
Like, look at this place!
I had no idea how small-time
I was until I met you.
Teach me your sugar baby ways.
Shape me
into something great
and richer.
And why would I do that?
Because who knows?
I could be the partner
you never knew you needed.
- No, thanks. I work alone.
- Hello?
What about Menswear Barbie
and Old Crone Ken?
They are employees.
Okay. I get it.
But what you're not getting
is that a girl like me
could make it
real uncomfortable
for you in this town.
Like a bad case of the herp.
With the right vitamin
cocktail, you'll go away.
You do know herpes never
goes away, don't you?
Doesn't it?
No.
Seems like you've set up
such deep roots here.
It'd be such a shame for it
to all be seized by Interpol.
It'd just take one phone call.
Hello, Interpol?
Tell me, Penny...
Why are women better suited
to the con than men?
'Cause we're used to
faking it?
It comes down
to one universal truth.
No man will ever believe
a woman is smarter than he is.
We will always
be underestimated
and that is what we use.
So this means you're gonna
teach me, aren't you?
I'm teaching you now.
Yes!
Wait, what was that last part?
I couldn't hear. You were
talking into the ocean.
What do men want?
- Boobs.
- No.
Back door.
Front door.
Pegging or, like, a threesome.
What is it? What's the answer?
They want to be heroes.
There is nothing
more compelling to a man
than a vulnerable woman.
Observe.
Oh, wow. You can just
tear up like that.
You can just balance a tear
right on that lower lid.
And can you make the tear
roll down your cheek?
Oh. Oh. Okay.
But can you make it
go back up?
- Now, you try.
- Okay.
- Are you constipated?
- No.
Why all the theatrics?
You're hot. That's enough.
It is not enough.
"Hot" is not a career.
"Hot" will get you gifts
and trinkets,
but you must pay for them
in other ways.
Sex, Penny.
Lesson two, research.
"The Suburban White Knight."
This one calls
for a basic rescue scam.
A staged drowning
and resuscitation
usually fits the bill.
Next we have
"The Braggadocio on Holiday."
Just wants a story
to tell the boys.
But careful here.
He's a frequent abuser
of social media.
What the...
Why the...
...headache!
Finally, you must be trained
for any situation.
One, two...
Surprise!
Hello. How do you do?
Yes, isn't it a lovely party?
I know.
I have seven houses.
She's ready.
I'm ready?
Yes!
Whoo!
Ugh. Mon Dieu!
I don't like it.
She represents
everything you despise.
You know, the water level
at the quarry
is higher than normal
this time of year.
They would not find her body
- until the spring.
- Hmm.
Just say the word,
or don't and you maintain
your innocence,
and I will do it anyway.
Nonsense.
We're taking her in gracefully
in order to
get her out gracefully.
Was that the word?
"Gracefully"?
Trust me, Brigitte.
It'll all work out in our favor.
With Penny, we can finally run
the "Lord of the Rings" play.
You truly believe she is ready
for something so elaborate?
Who's the first mark?
Oh, Howard.
I can't marry you.
Oh...
Now, settle down, cupcake.
What problem's so big
you don't think
Howard Bacon can fix it, huh?
How could you marry a woman
so beneath you?
What are you saying,
snickerdoodle?
You are 63rd in line
to the British throne.
I know, but I'm bankrupt.
The title's all I have left.
Oh, Howard,
do you think me a...
gold digger?
Oh, peanut butter cup.
Now, listen here.
We're gonna get married,
we're gonna fly home
to Fort Worth.
I'mma introduce you
to my golfing buddies
and then when
I run for Senate,
you're gonna be by my side.
Beautiful and silent.
You're not gonna break my heart
now, are you, sugarbooger?
Oh, Howard.
I'm helpless against
your food-themed endearments.
The only thing you're gonna
have to worry about
how that Texas humidity's
gonna affect your hair.
My hair looks like this
in any climate, darling,
and Hortense loves wet heat.
Hortense?
My sister.
Didn't I tell you about her?
I couldn't possibly
leave her behind.
Are you telling me
I'm gonna go home
with two princesses on my arm?
Would you like to see her?
Oh, lead the way.
If you think me
regal in the least,
wait until you meet
my sweet sister. Oof!
I haven't an ounce of the
majesty Hortense possesses.
There are no private beaches
on the Cote d'Azur,
but you put up one sign that
says "toxic waste," et voila!
Granny was so clever.
- Mmm.
- Your sister lives in there?
Mmm-hmm, yes,
in her cozy castle keep.
Ah.
This way.
Your tetanus
is up to date, yes?
What?
Every royal family
has its black sheep, of course,
but not Hortense and me.
Nanny Gertrude raised us to be
two levelheaded young ladies.
We're so normal,
it's practically boring.
Now remember, at no point
should you turn
your back on her.
Because she's royalty?
If you like.
Ah, here we are.
Hortense,
I've brought a guest!
- I wonder where she's hiding.
- Hmm.
Don't be shy.
Oh. I know.
Maybe her subjects
can flush her out.
Ah! There she is!
My only living relative.
Shall we pay her a visit?
Princess Hortense of House
Northumberton-Saxe-Hapsburg,
may I present to you
Howard Bacon.
Uh...
My ma'am... Lady.
Sir Bacon,
welcome to thy kingdom.
I have food for your men
and water
for your horses and whores.
Hortense.
She knows you haven't
got any horses.
Lucretia, pour the mead.
Lucretia,
you dumb bitch,
don't embarrass me
in front of the guests.
Yes, there is much
to celebrate, beloved sister.
I bring wonderful news.
Howard and I
are to be married.
Really?
You and you?
Hortense...
Hortense, do not
drop that coronet.
Use your words,
not the heirlooms.
Whoops!
Why?
I think I know
what this is about.
Die! No!
Don't fret, sissy.
You shan't be left behind.
You, Howard, and I
are going to live together
in Texas.
Texas? Hurrah!
This calls
for a celebration pole dance.
Promise, if anything
should happen to me,
you'll look after her.
Ooh.
I invoke prima nocta.
Absolutely.
This shall be a traditional
wedding in every respect.
Prima nocta.
Prima nocta! Prima nocta!
Uh, what's prima nocta?
Oh. Once the eldest daughter
consummates her marriage,
it is the second daughter's
divine right
either to bed the groom
or fight him in a duel.
In either case,
your performance
shall be judged
by a panel of courtiers.
But you don't mind,
do you, darling?
Second sister
Gets sloppy seconds
Or you die
Muffin, wedding's off.
But Howard! The ring!
Keep it!
Enrique, do go on.
You were saying how
even though you yourself have
benefited economically
from immigrating to America,
you don't feel
any additional Guatemalans
should be allowed
into Palm Beach?
Yes, I believe...
Sister! Sister! Sister!
Hortense! Manners, please!
Is this how we behave
in front of a guest?
Sorry.
Pardon the intrusion,
but can I beg leave
to go to the toilet?
Yes, of course,
my turtle dove.
Thank you.
Kind sir, would you help me
with this?
The lock-eth has rust-eth.
Hortense!
Did I not expressly forbid you
from wearing your virtue
panties in the pool?
Albert! She's done it again.
Ahhh! Not the flame!
Release the peasants!
She must mean
"pheasants," yes?
Hmm? Of course not.
Oh, don't worry, darling.
She's a terrible shot.
Peasant ho!
See?
That was unexpected.
Brigitte, your 20,000.
You just got a lot
more attractive, Bridge.
Albert, your 10.
Still wouldn't bang you,
Albert.
Thank you, all.
What do you mean,
"Thank you, all"?
No, where's my cashola?
Hmm? Where's my cut?
Where's the big chunka...
...to come in to me,
of the cash?
The student
doesn't earn wages
until after graduation.
When the hell is that?
I've been killing myself
playing Hortense
the Feral Princess,
while you just prance around,
not having sex with people.
Penny, how much money
do you have?
Be honest, now.
$500,000.
Oh. Good for you.
It's an adorable
little nest egg.
All in cash I presume?
Bitcoin. Why?
How much money do you have?
Hmm? Oh, assets and liquidity,
um, 28.32 million.
Ah, okay, I didn't know
we were counting
assets and liquidity.
In that case, I have, uh...
still 500,000.
And how do you think
I grew that wealth?
By investing wisely.
I've invested in you, Penny.
And I must see a robust return
before I can share
the profits.
But you wouldn't
have any profits
if it wasn't for me, okay?
Let's face it,
we're a team on this.
Penny, if you want to be like
me, then you're going to have...
I don't wanna be like you!
Why would I wanna be like you?
I don't wanna be some loser
that looks like
a colorful Beetlejuice.
Oh, sorry,
Julie Andrews just called.
She said she wants
her voice back.
We all know
you're actually from Wisconsin
and you stay in this house
eating weird salads
and drinking alcohol
that doesn't get you
hammered fast enough.
And you're like,
"Oh! I better check
all my precious stocks
on the NASCAR index."
And, "Oh, wait,
let me just collect another
little boy's head,
or another dinosaur clitoris,
or another little statue
of a..."
That's alive.
Yes, that is a Madagascan
blue panther chameleon.
It's one of the last
of its kind.
Is it?
Just like you.
Well, you know what, Jo?
I don't give a crap if you're
a legend in the game.
If you're not gonna pay me for
work that I've actually done,
then I'm out!
Screw you, Medusa!
I'm not Medusa.
And she's gone.
Are you...
Are you all right, miss?
Oh, is there a doctor
in the house?
Oh, somebody, please, help me!
What are the signs
of a stroke?
I can't feel my tits!
Goodness me!
Are you all right, miss?
Are you okay?
She's all right.
Aren't you, sis?
Yeah, I'm feeling
so much better, actually.
Good on you. That's my chook.
Come on.
Come on.
Let's get you up.
- Yeah.
- No worries.
I think it was
just a big burp.
- You enjoy the sun.
- My pleasure.
What's up, Jo?
I thought
you were leaving, Pen.
I was, and then...
I just realized
this place is great.
There just isn't room
for both of us
in Beaumont-Sur-Mer.
Mmm. Agree to unagree.
This is my home
and my place of work
and you are a bull
in my china shop.
Well, you don't really
affect my life that much.
Oh, piss off,
you moonfaced troll!
Whoa!
Careful there.
People might think you're more
than just an animatronic cocktease.
Okay, come on.
Ow! Arm!
Hands off the merchandise.
I bruise like a peach.
Shall we settle this
with a friendly wager?
Like a turf war?
Whoever wins gets dibs
on the town?
Loser leaves for good.
Well, what's the bet?
We choose a man.
First to extract a set sum
from him wins.
That sounds like a party.
Yeah, how much?
How about your net worth?
500,000?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Is that too rich
for your blood?
Are you kidding?
My blood is, like,
98% white chocolate mousse.
So, I can...
I can handle it, yeah.
Who's the mark?
Monsieur!
How about that guy?
He's 12.
Ah, too young for your blood?
Guillaume?
Is that boy
a guest at the hotel?
Yes, that is
Thomas Westerberg.
He is the inventor of YaBurnt.
- Shut my back door.
- What? Why?
What is YaBurnt?
Honestly?
Jo, are you, like,
100 years old?
It's, like, this really cool app
where it sends all your friends
these disgusting insults
and then they disappear
after 10 seconds.
Why would anyone want that?
Why would anyone
want Christmas, either?
So, he's a tech millionaire?
Billionaire, I bet.
So, do we have a deal?
One week.
May the best con win.
Hey, uh, do you mind if I
spin the thingy next round?
Okay. That's your job.
Shut up, Thomas.
- Monsieur.
- Yes?
Please place your bets.
No more bets.
Eighteen red.
Sorry, comin' through.
Sorry, excuse me.
- My goodness!
- Sorry, miss, please.
Oi, blind person here.
Move! Move!
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh. Pardon the intrusion,
but could somebody tell me
if there's an empty chair
at this table?
No, mademoiselle.
The table is full.
Oh. Okey-dokey.
No, miss. Miss? Excuse me.
You can have my chair.
Oh, a hero.
Oh, but it's not necessary.
Perhaps if, um,
this person scoots over,
we could just squeeze in
another chair.
- Yeah, sure.
- Do you mind, sir?
Would you mind just, um...
Right behind you.
- Oh.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
- All right?
Wow. What wonderful
blind person etiquette.
My nana was blind.
Was she?
I had no idea.
Research.
Please place your bets.
Oh. Do you want me
to place a bet for you?
Yeah, could you?
- Yeah, of course.
- But can you choose?
I feel like I need somebody
else's luck right now.
- Sure.
- Okay.
All right,
keep your fingers crossed.
No more bets.
Twenty-one red.
How did we do?
We lost. I'm so sorry.
- What?
- Yeah, it happens.
That was my last chance.
Last chance? For...
Wait! Miss!
Miss, wait. Miss?
Monsieur, your chips.
Oh, yeah, thank you.
Thank you, thank you. Sorry.
Thank you. Miss!
Miss! Miss?
Your winnings.
Miss! Miss? Miss?
Excuse me? Hi.
You left your cane.
Oh, thanks
for bringing it back.
I'm so embarrassed. Did I,
like, cause a big scene?
No, no. It's okay. But you
said something in there.
You said that that was
your last chance.
- What for?
- To help my sister.
- Oh.
- She's my baby sister.
- Oh.
- You're looking at a picture
of a really hot girl, right?
Uh... Yes. Yeah, I am.
Are my eyes tearing up?
'Cause sometimes I can't tell.
At least you won big, huh?
Not yet.
Go and see what big-titted
Russell Crowe is up to.
Here.
Here you go, Penny.
No, no, no, Thomas.
I cannot take that.
- Yes, you can, Penny.
- No, I can't.
Penny, you have to.
Your sister needs that
final cleft palate surgery.
Yeah, she does.
- Penny...
- Hmm?
What about you?
What do you mean,
what about me?
Well, do you mind
if I ask you how you...
got blind?
Yeah.
My condition is 100% mental.
Hysterical blindness?
It's not that funny to me,
Thomas.
No, I know. What I mean is,
it means there's hope for you
to see again.
Right?
People say that,
but I've tried everything.
Hypnosis, drugs...
I even hired this guy Barry
to follow me around
and scare me
in parking structures.
He'd just be like, "Hey!"
Turns out this is not like
having the hiccups.
Well, there must be something.
Well, there is, like,
this one psychologist,
up in this clinic in Germany,
that does, like,
really cutting-edge stuff.
But it's so expensive.
Well, how much
does this doctor charge?
$500,000.
- Damn!
- I know!
But Dr. Schauffhaussen
is that gifted.
Forget about it.
What is sight worth, anyways?
$500,000?
Seems so.
She's using all your tricks!
Fine.
Let's use some of hers.
But enough about me.
Let's talk about you.
What's your story?
No, well, no story, really.
These French investor guys,
uh, flew me out here,
I guess to hear
about my new venture.
- Oh.
- But I'm starting to feel like
they just want
another YaBurnt.
- Ya-what?
- YaBurnt.
It's an app that I designed.
Oh.
Like an appetizer?
I love 'em
when they're bottomless.
That's good!
- No, not an appetizer.
- Oh.
An app like an application
for a smartphone.
Oh, okay.
But my new concept,
it's something that I think
could really help people...
if anyone would actually
listen to what I have in mind.
I get it.
You're a really kind guy.
I could see that...
If only I could see.
Penny...
Penny, what is the name of
that doctor you told me about?
Oh, um...
Doctor...
Schauffhaussen.
- Schauffhaussen.
- Schauffhaussen.
How do you spell that?
Is that S-C-H?
- Sure.
- Okay.
Wait, what are you doing?
I'm looking him up online.
Not much is known
about the good doctor.
I hear he's a recluse.
No, I found his website.
- Really?
- Awesome.
Whoa.
No, here's an e-mail address.
Okay, you're kidding me.
Whoa. No way.
- Yeah.
- No way.
I've sent something.
There we go.
- See what happens.
- Thomas, no, you...
- Oh...
- No.
You really shouldn't have.
Let's not get our hopes up.
Okay.
He responded!
Of course he did.
Oh,
it's an out-of-office reply.
Oh.
Let's see
if he's on social media.
Oh, my God.
- No way! Oh, my God.
- What?
Uh, excuse me, sir?
Hi. Uh, hi. My name's Thomas
and my friend Penny really,
really needs your help.
I just saw your photo
on Instagram,
and I had to come find you.
This is beyond coincidence.
It means something
that you're here. Um...
So, what do you say,
Dr. Schauffhaussen?
Will you help my friend?
Siri, I need to learn German.
That is not German.
That is Dutch.
Oh, um...
Hi, we met
at the roulette table.
That is incorrect.
We did not meet.
Otherwise,
you would know that I...
You're Dr. Schauffhaussen?
Precisely.
Auf Wiedersehen.
No, wait, Dr. Schauffhaussen.
I'm sorry if I offended you.
I am not offended.
It's just that
I looked you up online,
I couldn't find a photo
and, I don't know,
I just didn't think
you would be a woman.
I am offended now.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Please don't punish Penny
for my sexism.
Penny?
Is this Penny from
Cootamundra, Australia?
Yes! Yeah, that's her.
I remember her letters.
Such a tragic case.
- Good luck to you both.
- Wait.
Dr. Schauffhaussen,
what do I have to do
to get you to
see her here, tonight?
- Young man...
- Thomas.
Thomas,
it would be inappropriate
and unprofessional of me
to see patients
while on my holiday.
Well, if it's a matter
of money, I can...
You haven't given her
any money, have you?
Well, some.
But just for her sister.
You must not,
under any circumstances,
give the patient money.
Otherwise,
this reinforces the notion
that she's totally disabled
rendering the treatment kaput!
Wait, so you will treat her?
I agree
to an initial examination.
- Yes!
- I am too much the softie.
Where is she now?
Penny?
Coming.
Just one second! One sec.
I've got
a surprise for ya.
- Thomas, where did you go?
- Yeah?
You'll never guess
who I found.
- Who?
- Who do you think?
It's Dr. Frederika
Schauffhaussen.
Oh, she can't believe it!
Believe it, Fraulein.
I am here to help you,
dear girl.
Dr. Schauffhaussen was having
dinner at the hotel tonight.
I saw her Insta post.
Isn't it incredible?
Incredible.
I must make
my assessment of the patient.
- Thomas?
- Yes?
I require a chair.
A warning.
My methods are unorthodox.
You understand?
- Yes.
- Thank you.
Remove your person
from the treatment space.
Oh. Okay, uh, here?
Sit.
So, you can see
absolutely nothing?
No shapes, no light, no color?
No, nothing at all.
That's what I said...
Silence!
Hey, I need that.
You will no longer use
this crutch of the mind.
Stubborn like the patient.
I see.
You do not, but I see.
Has the test started yet?
Impressive.
Okay, Penny.
How about this?
I am funneling the air
directly into your eye cavity.
My mouth hole is very narrow.
You should
not be feeling this.
I just smell salmon.
It's very interesting.
The body reacts,
but the mind does not.
Penny, I would like you
to have a little snack.
But you must guess the food
that you're eating, ja?
Yeah,
that sounds easy enough.
I will ready the snack.
Okay, Penny.
Here comes
the choo-choo train.
Open wide.
Aah...
What is that?
A french fry.
Mmm. Can I have another one?
You are
a very good blind person.
As such, you must surely know
the number of steps
between you and the door.
Uh-huh.
And the number from the door
to the elevator.
Because this is how the visually
impaired function in the world.
Otherwise you would be running
into things all the time, ja?
Yeah, I know all the steps.
Ja.
Okay, Penny.
I have opened the door.
An unobstructed path exists.
I want you to run
full-speed down hallway
and stop in front
of the elevator.
You can do this, then, ja?
Yeah, well, of course, then.
Yeah, it's pretty simple
for a blind person
to just run
in a straight line, so...
As fast as you can. Go!
- Um, now?
- Ja!
Penny!
I will take the case.
Come, Thomas,
I give you a tour.
Okay.
- Should we... Oh.
- Come.
Quickly now.
- But what about...
- Thank you.
Is this it?
Hello?
We're here?
Hello? Uh...
Oh, it's on.
Dr. Schauffhaussen,
about your fee.
I have to move
a few things around,
but I'll have it for you
really soon.
- Oh.
- Hey, guys?
I think somebody accidentally
locked the front door.
Guys? Guys, are you there?
Whoa! Uh, sorry!
I hope that wasn't a priceless
work of art or anything!
What if she gets hurt
out there?
This is precisely why
we do not intervene, Thomas.
Negative reinforcement
is the prescription.
It is our job, yours und mine,
- to have fun.
- Fun?
- Fun.
- Okay.
You're thinking
I am loony tune, ja?
- I am not.
- No?
If we do this in front
of Penny, have the fun,
she will want nothing
more than to join us
in our seeing fun.
Yeah.
Why do I smell clinical
strength lady douche wipes?
Oh.
Very strong.
No pity, Thomas. Only fun.
I also smell early menopause.
Now, the house.
Why are we doing this again?
Just as you take
Thomas's arm when we walk,
so you take my leash
when we ride.
That makes zero sense.
A hill approaches.
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
- Merci.
- Merci, merci.
This Cabernet.
Oh, I love this one.
It turns quite chewy,
- und you can really taste oak.
- Can I have some?
Oh. Of course, Penny.
You may have some of mine.
Oh.
Is there a glass here?
You may drink the wine
when you see the glass
well enough to seize it.
Oh. Oh, God. Did I spill
something just now?
Oh, I'm so clumsy.
Dr. Schauffhaussen,
um, let me help you.
Oh, no. I feel terrible.
Did I spill wine on your...
Waiter!
Uh, are you sure that
this is helping Penny?
Oh, trust me,
this is for Penny's sake.
Okay.
You should see us, Penny.
Thomas and I are dancing.
Oh, I wish I could.
But you can, Penny. You can.
Yeah, I could also
eat my own shit,
but I'm not doing that either.
It's okay, I'll just stand
here minding your bag.
She's got a fuzzbox
and knows how to use it.
Pardon?
Your friend with the bony ass
grinding away
on that poor boy.
Oh.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind so much.
It's just that he used to be
my boyfriend.
He was not!
And she's my best friend.
She is not!
Oh, my God.
Babe, you are, like,
actually blind.
Oh, babe.
Blind as in "can't see" blind?
It was when I lost my sight
that she moved in on him.
Shut up.
Watch us, Penny.
The way our bodies
move in unison.
So sensual.
Right. I'm hitting her
really hard in her vagina.
It's just if I could work out
some way to get him alone,
then maybe he wouldn't
call off the wedding.
You leave it with us,
all right? I mean,
we are practically
professionals,
my little blind poppet.
Girls, toilet.
That color looks boss on you.
Danke.
What is this?
It's a little thing
we invented called Varma.
Karma.
Karma.
Oh, it is on.
It is on like Kim Kardashian.
- Is that nice?
- Yeah, you want some?
- Oh, uh, yeah, sure.
- Oh, sorry.
Uh...
Yeah. Thank you.
Uh, it's kinda weird
that Dr. Schauffhaussen
just disappeared
like that, right?
Germans are so spontaneous.
It's probably just part of her
crazy treatment plan.
Yeah, don't give up
on that, Penny, okay?
I mean, I know that it's hard,
but there's so much that
you deserve to see.
Like this view,
and these lights,
and the face you make
when you think
I'm being a dork.
What, this one?
Yeah, that one.
But that one...
- That one's my favorite.
- What?
- That one.
- No, what?
Shut up.
Well, you'll just
have to take my word for it.
As the sole sighted person
between us,
you're beautiful, Penny.
Anyway, I'm sure
Dr. Schauffhaussen's gonna
break out
the big psychological guns
once I actually
give her the fee.
Oh, um, yeah, about that.
I was gonna say to you,
is it possible
to give me the money
and then I'll just give it
to Dr. Schauffhaussen?
- Oh.
- I know this will sound silly,
but it would just make me feel
like I'm less of a charity case.
Totally. I completely
understand. I, um...
I just have to, uh,
sell the last of my stock.
Wait, don't you own, like,
the whole company?
You're, like, so rich.
- No.
- No?
No. Um...
The algorithm
for YaBurnt was mine,
but the seed investors
actually bought me out.
Yeah, for how much?
A cool million.
Um, but I only have
400,000 left.
Uh, but it's okay. My nana's gonna...
She's gonna loan me the rest.
So, after you pay the
Dr. Schauffhaussen fee, you'd be broke?
Yeah, but it's fine.
Because I have
a lot of good ideas,
and hoodies are cheap.
I don't get it though.
Why would you
bankrupt yourself
for someone
you don't even know?
Like, I'm a stranger.
Well, my nana...
My nana always said
that the best thing
money can do is good.
And you getting
to see again is good.
Plus, you're not a stranger.
You're Penny.
Yes, I am.
Honey, I'm home.
Oh, please.
You think I can't handle
the Real Housewives of Essex?
It took a considerable
amount of limoncello
and several rounds
of arm wrestling,
but c'est la vie.
The bet's off, Jo.
Oh, don't go, Penny.
You've taught me
so much about love.
We need to find another mark.
No, absolutely not.
I have had about
as much of this
absurd interlude with you
as I can bear.
Those are decorative.
He's a good guy, Jo.
That's a moxy-noron, Pen.
Okay, you know,
back in the day
when I was just catfishing,
there was always this one
moment where I would decide,
"I'm gonna take your money."
And it wasn't when they fell
for the superficial
hot girl bait
or when they texted dick pics
like complete animals.
It was when
we'd meet up in person
and I'd come in
and he'd just
look at me like that.
And that's when I'd decide
to rob him blind.
But when Thomas looks at me,
he doesn't do that.
He's just different.
He's a genuinely nice person.
Yeah, but we're not
nice women, Penny, are we?
And this isn't
a likability contest.
Lucky for you, 'cause I'd win.
Would you?
Please.
Thomas loves me.
He loves you?
Like, I mean he'll do
whatever I want.
Well, then it appears
we have our solution.
If you don't have
the stomach to take money
from your darling Thomas,
darling Thomas
becomes the bet.
But I thought
you didn't nail your marks.
Evidently, we must up the ante
in this little game of ours.
Unless, of course,
you feel you're outmatched.
Please.
Guys love asses,
but not when there's something
already stuck up there.
Then we're agreed.
Thomas is the bet.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, okay.
I should really get to bed,
'cause I've got such a big day
of seduction tomorrow.
Oh, absolutely.
How about a bedtime story?
- Oh, no, that's not necessary.
- Albert!
Oh. Hi.
- Thank you.
- Oh, that's not good.
I do so admire their spirit.
Less so their spray tans.
Ladies.
All right, my babe.
Ah.
Oh, so you thought
you could play us, yeah?
Ladies, I can explain.
Babes, this is not
a good situation for you.
My cousin's got the blinds
- from the diabetes.
- Diabetes.
Don't go to the hotel now, Jo.
Give it the night. He'll be
more energetic in the morning.
Oh,
you're not going anywhere.
Ladies, pass me the superglue.
- Thomas.
- Dr. Schauffhaussen.
Please...
Call me Frederika.
Okay.
Oh, God. I'm sorry.
Come on in.
Um...
Thank you.
A little treat for us.
We've been working so hard
for sweet Penny.
We deserve to be
a little selfish, ja?
Some say these
are an aphrodisiac.
- Oh, no, thank...
- Oh!
Oh, God.
I'm so sorry, Doctor...
No! I got it.
It's fine, it's fine.
I got it, I got it. It's...
Thank you.
Thomas...
I must be candid.
I'm here
under false pretenses.
- You are?
- Ja.
Okay.
I hope
this isn't inappropriate,
but would you help me
with mein coding?
"Mein coding"?
Ja, I'm having trouble
with my website.
- Oh, coding!
- Hmm.
Yeah, sure. What seems
to be the problem?
Well...
When I use JavaScript,
the HTTP crawler
is not scraping
the metadata correctly
and I am losing
the CSS properties.
Well, did you try parsing the
CSS separately using regex?
I did not.
Hmm.
Fixed! Well, it's been
a really long day.
I'm exhausted, so I'm gonna...
Are you aware that
it is a full moon tonight?
Ah.
I love to feel the air
on my skin.
Right. Aren't you
kinda cold though?
What are you doin'?
I feel reckless tonight,
Thomas.
Okay, that's not funny.
Can you come inside now?
If I fell, would you catch me?
Stop it.
Don't.
Don't!
Oh!
Thomas.
- Dr. Schauffhaussen...
- Frederika.
You've taught me so much
about discipline...
I can teach you more.
- ...and integrity.
- Ja, sure.
I think we should keep things
professional between us.
- Aw...
- For Penny's sake.
For Penny's sake?
Of course.
Well, I'll just...
Go.
Auf Wiedersehen.
Wait.
Mmm. Thomas.
Oh. Albert? Albert.
Hey, man.
Um... Just a shot in the dark.
Do you happen to have
superglue remover?
Holy crap.
How did you have that?
Yeah, that's awesome.
Yes. Legend.
Uh...
Albert?
Oh, come on,
that's just cruel!
Ow!
Hey, you. Hey.
Do you know who
Josephine Chesterfield is?
Or Dr. Schauffhaussen?
Oui, mademoiselle.
We know all her aliases.
She's very generous.
Uh...
Hmm? All right,
so was she here last night?
Oui, with the tech boy.
Damn it. Okay, um...
Well, wait. When she left,
did she seem, like,
you know, satisfied?
Like, you know, like,
she'd got some?
- Oh, no.
- No?
She hasn't left yet.
Yeah, I know you won.
I'm getting outta here.
Uh... What did I...
What did I win?
Thomas,
what are you doing here?
I'm here
to say goodbye.
Where's Dr. Schauffhaussen,
then?
Um... I don't know.
This morning,
she kind of left in a hurry
and now I have to go.
The investors are, um,
they're flying me home.
I just needed to say,
Penny, you're the one genuine,
good thing that happened
to me here.
Anyway, um...
Bye, Penny.
Thomas, wait! Don't go!
Penny!
Oh, my God!
Penny, are you okay?
This has been a brutal week.
Dick.
Wait, Penny,
could you just see Albert?
Uh...
Did you just look at me?
Can you see me?
Is your hair brownish?
Yes! Yes, it is!
Wait, Penny.
Can you read that?
No, that's in French.
Oh. Sorry.
What about this?
"Social anxiety. You're not
the problem, the world is."
Yes! Penny, you can see!
I can finally see your face!
- Oh, that's probably a bummer.
- No, come off it!
- You got such a nice face.
- Oh.
I guess
Dr. Schauffhaussen's money
was put to good use, huh?
What do you mean?
You didn't give her
the 500,000, did you?
Yeah, of course.
I wanted to make sure that
your treatment continued.
No, no. But that was
all that you had.
It was worth
every penny, Penny.
Wait a minute.
I don't understand.
You're giving me $500,000?
My sister just won
the lottery in Australia.
And she used my birthday
and my bra size,
so she owes me.
I can't let you cover
my medical expenses.
Well, regardless,
I cannot accept this.
Thomas, no, I insist.
Well, I resist.
Stop. It's a $2 transaction
fee every time.
Oh, shit. Well,
it's in your account now.
No take-backs.
Okay.
Penny...
Do you wanna come?
- Come with me.
- I'm not coming with you.
Why not?
'Cause you don't know me.
Not the real me.
Well, I'd like to,
if you ever change your mind.
All right.
What have you done?
How could you let him leave?
What are you
talking about?
You won the bet.
Stop!
Come back! Come back!
Come back! No! No!
Aw, the plane didn't
stop for the crazy lady.
Here she comes.
Walk of shame. Walk of shame.
Walk of shame.
Last night I went to his room
and, yes,
I tried to seduce him.
And I thought I was
getting somewhere, too,
because he turned out
the lights,
but it was only to show me
a PowerPoint presentation
all about his new app.
Once he had
finished his pitch,
I assumed we'd go to bed.
Then he said
he's bit of a germophobe,
so would I mind
taking a shower,
and I was insulted,
but I complied
for the sake of the bet.
And when I emerged, he was
gone, my clothes were gone,
my jewelry,
my phone, my laptop,
even my limited edition
Jimmy Choos!
Come off it.
You expect me to believe
that that kind guy tried to
jack your Jimmy Choos
when he just
returned to me $500,000
that I tried to give him?
Why did you give him $500,000?
Because that's the amount
you stole from him.
No!
That is what I'm saying,
tits for brains!
I didn't steal from him.
I invested in his app!
How much?
$500,000.
It's from Thomas.
No!
Let me see! Let me see!
"Penny, I honestly meant
what I said just now,
but here's the thing.
Con artists make
the best marks of all.
I was taught that by my nana.
Or as you may know her...
Medusa."
That means...
You're Thomas's nana.
- Oh, you sick perv!
- No! Christ, Penny!
Clearly, Thomas's nana
was Medusa,
and she passed the torch on to
him and now he's the new Medusa.
What is wrong with you?
He didn't transfer me
the Bitcoin back.
He still has my 500,000.
And my 500,000.
Did we just give that boy
a million dollars?
Are you kidding me?
- Of all the lying...
- No!
...two-faced, conniving,
- cheating, slimy...
- Dude, are you serious?
...millennial bastard
hacker grifter...
I'm so angry
and horny right now!
...shit-stain assholes,
he is the worst!
But he is kinda awesome,
too, right?
Albert, I'm sorry for calling
your balls skeletal.
I know there's nothing
hard down there.
Suck it.
Thanks for letting me
stay the extra two weeks.
One more than agreed upon.
Yeah, it was cozy, wasn't it?
Mmm!
What will
your next chapter be?
I was thinking
of going to Thailand.
Maybe Bangkok
or Phuket.
Phuket.
No, that's not how you say it.
What's this?
It's your cut of the
"Lord of the Rings" con.
- Oh!
- Minus expenses, of course.
Wardrobe, catering,
prosthetics, et cetera.
And the cost of the vases
that you broke.
And the plumbing issues
I caused.
- What?
- Hmm?
Au revoir.
Yello! Make a hole,
people. Make a hole.
'Scuse me, comin' through.
Come on, Ritchie
comin' through, baby.
'Scuse me, 'scuse me.
Thank you very much.
Okay, yeah.
Thank you very much.
All right. Okay.
Intros.
Cathy! Cathy, baby,
you get that
rock-hard caboose
up here this minute.
Ritchie, slow down!
I have to catch my breath.
Oh, shut it, doll.
You're in mint condition
and you know it.
Okay, so here's the story.
I was showing Cathy here
some luxury property in Capri,
when I realized
that this lady's
got some high-class taste.
And I don't just mean
for real estate, nope.
Cathy's an animal lover, see,
but she doesn't just like
regular doggies and birdies.
She likes special furry
friends who are maybe, oh,
a little illegal.
Is that right, Cathy?
Yes it is. Now, Cathy, what is
it you wanted to start?
It was a monastery
or something?
A rare animal sanctuary
and spa.
I love it.
So I say to Cathy,
"You'll have to meet
my friends."
We hopped in the dinghy,
we set sail, and here we are!
Cathy, I want y'all to meet
South Africa's
most celebrated and discreet
endangered species dealer,
Imka Bekker.
Say, what's wrong, Imka?
Exotic cat got your tongue?
No.
Howzit, Cathy?
It's such a pleasure to meet
a fellow wildlife enthusiast.
I love the springboks, myself.
Oh! Me too. Me too.
Look at me
being a total jackass.
I forgot to introduce Imka's
right-hand woman.
Ladies and gentlemen,
if y'all ever need
a crocodile just wrestled
into submission,
Sheila Malarkey is your gal.
Oh, but Sheila lost
her tongue tragically
to a very small but ferocious
red-crested wombat.
God bless her soul.
Shame.
She can sign, though.
Can't you, Sheila?
Yes.
Yes, she can.
- Okey-dokey.
- Yoh. Okay, okay.
What's she saying?
Okey-dokey.
She says, everyone, please,
up to the house and please
enjoy some of her ice cream.
That's right,
ladies and gentlemen.
Who likes ice cream?
I scream, you scream.
Everybody follow me,
ladies and gentlemen.
We're headin' up this
stone path, right here.
Cathy, take this.
Everybody, look at Cathy.
She's the alpha dog.
I want you to follow her
all the way up.
Keep going! At the top,
you're gonna find a little penguin man.
He's gonna spark the fuse
on the barbecue, baby,
'cause we're havin'
red meat, baby!
This year I made $6 million.
So far.
Impressive.
How irritating.
But together,
we could make so much more.
So much more.
You guys are fantastic
at what you do.
My nana would
absolutely love you.
The three of us...
that'd be one hell of a team.
You played me.
Penny, the only thing I never
lied about was you.
Listen...
First million pays us back.
The second million
will be your apology.
Yeah, and if you ever
double-cross us again,
I withhold sex
for a whole year.
Or six months.
No, let's go with 24 hours.
For like...
Until midmorning,
I will not be open as a shop.
- You done?
- Okay.
So don't cross us ever again.
Deal.
So, are we doin' this?
Come on!
They went down this way.
Hurry up!
Damn it! We lost them.
How could you lose them?
How could you
give 'em 200,000?
Uh, designer nipples
are not cheap.
Plus, that's like
500 American dollars.
- It really isn't.
- Hey! Hey, buddy!
Did you see two women
run by here a minute ago?
Oh, uh, yeah,
with massive wads of cash?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Uh, they ran that way.
Well, let's go!
Come on!
Radio for backup or somethin'.
Lucky Christmas dress,
you did it again.
I must say, Penny,
these outfits
are terribly clever.
Old but gold.
Happy Christmas.
Thomas, I got you a present.
Thank you, Santa.
Oh, I'm still here.
Hortense, is that
what that's used for?
I don't see any butter
on that knife.
Now, Enrique, you were saying
that even though you yourself
have benefited economically
from immigrating to America,
you don't feel
any additional Guatemalans
should be allowed
into Palm Beach?
Yes, I believe we're at the
tipping point in this moment...
What ist thou looking at?
Stop skulking in the corner.
Thy had thy hand
on Rosalind's bosom!
Dost thou deny it?
Oh, sweet Hortense
had her suitor's body exhumed
the day after he was trampled.
It's folly, though.
The family
will never accept him.
You just don't like him
because he's black.
Sister, may I please sing
my song now?
Ooh, yes, of course,
darling, of course.
Hortense has written a song
to celebrate our engagement.
Isn't that marvelous?
No, wait, I wanted the lute.
It is the lute.
Hmm.
All right, this is
a Hortense original.
Wedding!
Death!
She had the finest
tutors, but you can't teach talent.
Bon appetit!