The Improv: 60 and Still Standing (2023) Movie Script

- [piano practicing tune]
- [indistinct conversations]
This is a special, special place.
[chill music playing]
This stage is the launchpad of a career.
This is where I always come
to work on material before I tour,
before I go anywhere.
That was the stage
that meant everything to me.
That was like the altar of comedy for me.
[chill music continues]
I did one joke on that stage,
and it blew up my career.
I was terrified of this place.
Every single time I would get on stage,
I would die a thousand deaths.
I was super nervous.
I was shaking in my boots.
But the good news is
I didn't even get to go up.
I got bumped!
[chill music continues]
I still don't have a poster on the wall.
Can you guys talk to somebody about that?
The first time I ever met
someone I knew wanted to murder me,
I was onstage at The Improv.
You can describe every standup experience
that you've ever had,
but we... we all go back to saying,
"Our first time on The Improv stage..."
There's no feeling like it.
[audience cheering and applauding]
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Bert Kreischer!
[audience cheering and applauding]
[chill music continues]
[audience cheering wildly]
Thank you.
[chill music fades out]
Thank you.
Yep, I know. I'm jacked.
[audience laughing]
I'm gonna do something special tonight.
I am going to perform the set
that got me past here 22 years ago.
[audience cheering]
Well... [laughs]
You're clapping before
you know what I'm about to say.
As you may guess,
some of these jokes have not aged well.
- [Bert laughing hysterically]
- [audience laughing]
I sat right there. I stood right there.
I was wearing flip-flops.
I'm from Florida, that explains a lot.
[audience laughing]
And Budd Friedman came up to me,
and he said,
"Mr. Kreischer, I hope you understand
that we have
a close-toed policy at this club."
"I expect you're running home
to go change shoes."
I was fucking freaking out.
So I raced home,
I changed shoes, and I was shaking.
And he stood right there
as I performed this set.
Here we go.
[audience clapping and cheering]
[Bert chuckling]
My name's Bert.
[audience laughing]
I know you're thinking,
"Hot, sexy name. Do you do porn?"
I don't.
Bert's the last name
you wanna hear during sex.
Some chick on top of you
in the dark, just... [moaning]
[in silly voice] "Bert."
[continues moaning, starts laughing]
I like to fuck around.
I was in the grocery store
with my wife the other day, and...
...we were in the produce section,
and I just yelled out real loud,
I go, "Honey!"
"This time, get a thin cucumber!"
[audience tittering]
This woman walks up, freaking out.
She's like, "Sir, excuse me."
"That was inappropriate."
I was like,
"Get your mind out of the gutter, honey."
"I'm putting it in her ass. Not in mine."
[audience laughing]
"We're Christians." Here's the advice...
[audience laughing]
...I'll give you if you're thinking about
putting a vegetable in your wife's ass.
Sir, don't use a cucumber. Use a carrot.
A cucumber
is too aggressive.
The shape of it.
You ever had a cucumber in your ass?
[audience laughing]
It's round and bold.
It's like a home invasion, just...
[mimics crash] "Everybody down!"
But a carrot is more like...
"Is anybody home?"
"I brought muffins."
All right. Now this is the joke
that is more who I am today, okay?
Here we go. [chuckles]
Those two are just, I needed jokes
and I didn't know how to write them,
but this one... [clicks tongue]
I grew up in Florida. We used to take acid
and go to Disney World. Uh...
- [audience cheering]
- Yeah, this is like... this is better. Yeah.
Uh, me, my buddy Hutch,
and my buddy Harper.
Now, these guys were fucking idiots, okay?
So me, Hutch, and Harper
go to our drug dealer named Cheetah.
Real name, by the way.
Sidebar to this story, my wife and I
ran into him at an airport one time
in... as adults!
She goes, "You're Cheetah?
You used to sell him drugs!"
I'm like, "Shut the fuck up."
And he says, "I got great acid for you.
It's called Purple Jesus."
And we're like...
And it's a picture of Jesus
just in purple, on the cross, like...
So we go to Peter Pan's ride
to Never Neverland.
Three grown men
in a line for a child's ride.
The lady sees us
and goes, "Sorry, gentlemen."
"We don't do threesies
on Peter Pan's ride, just twosies."
I'm like, "Honey, we're on Purple Jesus."
She's like, "Sorry, just twosies."
Hutch leans in and goes,
"How about I eat your face?"
She's like,
"All right, gentlemen, enjoy the ride."
Three grown men
on a child's ride meant for children.
Built for children in the '60s!
We look like a fat foot in a slipper.
I'm in the middle.
We go into the darkness, it's pitch black,
and I hear Hutch go, "Okay, real funny."
[audience laughing]
"Real funny. Now give 'em back."
I go, "What are you talking about?"
He goes,
"You know what I'm talking about."
"You took 'em. Now give 'em back."
I'm like, "I have no fucking idea
what you're talking about."
He goes, "My feet.
You took 'em, now give 'em back."
I'm like, "I don't have your feet, buddy."
He's like, "You don't? Fuck!"
Breaks the child's restraint,
disappears into the fucking ride.
I look at Harper,
I'm like, "Yo, we just lost Hutch."
He's like, "They took my shadow too!"
We go through the ride once, I hop off,
Harper stays on, goes back into the ride,
and that's when the Disney cops showed up.
- Now...
- [audience laughing]
...if you've never been arrested
by the Disney cops,
it's three dudes in khaki shorts
who cuff me fairly aggressively,
put me on the back of their golf cart,
and then patiently wait.
Harper comes up.
They grab him,
cuff him, put him next to me.
He's elated.
He's like, "I found my shadow!"
[audience laughing]
Fifteen minutes later,
Hutch comes running out,
shirt around his neck like a cape,
both shoes in his hands.
"I got my feet back!"
This is the worst part,
is they parade us through Disneyland
on the back of a golf cart, handcuffed,
like we're the ride of "Youth Gone Wrong."
[audience laughing]
Hutch is yelling out
of the top of his lungs,
"Fuck Mary Lou Retton!"
"Fuck Mary Lou Retton!"
I go, "Why are you saying that?"
He goes,
"Don't know. When I say it, they look."
Harper's crying. I go,
"What the fuck are you crying about?"
He's like,
"They're gonna rape me in Disney jail!"
I was like, "Harper, it's Disney jail.
I think you're fine."
They raped him.
[audience laughing]
We did too. It's prison, you know?
That's the...
You can't make... Those jokes are...
It was funny in 19...
[audience laughing]
[Bert laughing hysterically]
Thank God I didn't do my Black joke.
All right, let's do it.
[audience laughing]
So, this is... remember, remember,
1999 was a different time! Okay.
This is a true story.
[laughing hysterically] So one time,
me and a... a comedian got on a train
in Manhattan.
This is a true story!
I'm sweating right now.
[audience laughing]
And we get on...
The comedian's white.
His name's Dmitri Martin.
This is a true story!
He's white. He's very white.
He's Greek. He's like the original white.
And so...
we get on a train.
And as we step on a train going Uptown,
we realize
we are the only white guys on the train.
There are 70 Black dudes
all on this train.
And I freeze. I'm like, "Whoa."
Dmitri's like, "What are you doing?"
I go,
"We're not going where they're going."
He goes, "What are you talking about?"
I go, "They're going somewhere
we're not supposed to be going."
And he looks at me.
He goes, "You sound racist."
I go, "Maybe, but I wanna be alive,
so I'm gonna step off."
And he goes,
"Hey, stop being such a fucking dickhead."
So we sit down.
The second we sit down,
seventy Black dudes
are just silent, staring at us.
I can feel it.
So I go, "Fuck it. I'm getting off."
He goes, "Do not get off."
I go, "Get off with me."
He goes, "No. I'm not a racist."
"I'm staying on the train."
I go, "Okay, good luck."
Train doors open, I get off the train,
and before it takes off,
I stick my head back in the subway and go,
"Dmitri! I'll see you at the rally
on Thursday! White power, brother!"
[audience laughing]
His eyes lit up, doors closed,
and I hear a Black guy go,
"Run, Forrest!"
[audience laughing]
That was the set.
- [audience cheering and applauding]
- That was the set.
I got passed,
and then I got to open for Drew Carey
every Wednesday night.
I got done, I walked over there,
and Budd Friedman...
if you never got to meet him,
he's a very fascinating dude...
with a glass of champagne and his monocle,
he goes, "Very funny. Very funny."
And he said, "Wednesday nights,
you'll open for Drew Carey's, uh,
Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
And I went, "For real?"
He goes, "You gotta keep it clean."
I was like,
"Did you not see what I just did?"
[audience laughing]
And he goes, "Can you not work clean?"
And I go, "No, I can work clean."
And my opening joke for Drew Carey was...
[laughing silently]
"I went to a party the other day..."
Wait, how did it...
Uh, "And this girl..."
Oh, I said to the girl. It was...
I won't tell you who it really was.
I'll tell you after. I can't say it.
I might get in trouble.
I went to a really high-end
Hollywood party. I'd gone that weekend.
And I said to the girl,
"Where's your bathroom at?"
And she goes, "'At'?"
I said, "Yeah, where's your bathroom at?"
And she goes, "'At? Where's it at?'"
And she looked at somebody,
and she goes, "Stay in school, kids."
And I was like, "Oh."
And so I went into her bathroom,
and I put her toothbrush on my balls.
[audience laughing]
I said, "This is some advice."
"Ladies, if you ever throw a party,
be nice to everyone that shows up."
"'Cause all your shit is there,
and I brought my balls." [laughing]
[audience laughing]
And Drew Carey loved it,
and Budd loved it.
This place has been like a home to me.
Happy birthday, Improv!
Sixty fucking years. Thank you so much.
- [audience cheering and applauding]
- God bless!
[chill music playing]
Thank you!
Thanks, man.
I just came here from New York,
and, uh, my last, uh, my last day
in New York was kinda weird.
I had a cab driver acting peculiar.
We were driving along,
me and a cab driver,
and he killed a dog on the way.
He didn't hit the dog with the car.
He got out and stabbed the dog.
- He...
- [audience laughing]
He, uh, he hacked it apart, and, uh...
The first thing I thought was, "No tip."
Ya know? I'm not gonna tip this guy.
Ya know?
Not 'cause he killed a dog,
'cause 30 cents clicked on the meter
while he was doing it, ya know?
I don't got that kind of bread right now.
Don't have that kind of money.
You know, not yet.
Girls, I don't like...
Good-looking girls kind of intimidate me.
Get nervous talking to them.
I saw this cute girl on the street today
with my friend. I said,
"Wish I could ask her out,
but don't know what to say."
My friend said, "Ask her out.
The worst she could say is no."
So I asked her out, and she said,
"Get away from me, you loser."
[audience laughing]
I was like, "I think you
broke the rules there, hon."
- [audience laughing]
- Yeah. "Loser."
[chill music playing]
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Deon Cole!
[audience cheering and applauding]
Thank you.
Uh, the only issue is
I only wrote Black material.
[audience laughing]
Didn't... Didn't know
all you guys were coming out tonight.
[audience laughing]
They said this was
Chocolate Improv Night tonight.
It's all I got, so, uh,
yeah, just sit there and take that shit.
[audience laughing]
So I was eating dinner
with these white devils last week...
[audience laughing]
Whatever happened to the albinos?
[audience laughing]
- I don't see them no more.
- [audience laughing]
I used to see one like every six months,
but I don't see them no more.
Man, I used to look forward
to seeing them.
Every time I saw one, I'd make a wish.
[audience laughing]
This white guy told me
I need to start eating free-range chicken.
I was like, "What's that?"
He was all, "Oh, it's these
comfortable, care-free chickens,
and they roam around freely,
and they die in a humane way."
"You're gonna love them."
I went and priced them motherfuckers.
Them bitches expensive as shit.
I was like, "Nah, I'm gonna keep eating
these overwhelmed chickens."
[audience laughing]
These stressed-out, anxiety chickens.
Y'all be out in public
with your wife, husband,
boyfriend, girlfriend,
you see somebody
sexier than a motherfucker.
You ever think to yourself,
"I should've been patient"?
[audience laughing]
See a lot of y'all
can't laugh at that right now.
[audience laughing]
If you're a tough guy, don't ask
to take a picture with me after the show.
Tough guys never smile in a photo.
I was doing this show one night,
and these guys came up there,
"Hey, motherfucker,
get over here and take a picture."
I'm like, "Calm down.
You're being so aggressive and shit."
I get in the picture.
Everybody in the picture like this.
[audience laughing]
I'm the only motherfucker
in the photo like...
[audience laughing]
They let me see the picture.
I was like, "Fuck."
"Could've told me
y'all wasn't gonna smile in this shit.'
Now it look like
I wanted a picture with y'all.
[audience laughing]
I don't even
know you niggas like that, dude.
You know what
the next best feeling is, next to sex?
Cleaning your ears with a Q-tip.
[audience laughing and applauding]
That's my shit.
You get deep in there,
like... [moaning in pleasure]
Are you supposed to say grace
over leftovers?
[audience laughing]
'Cause I prayed over it
when I first cooked it, and...
I'm not petty like that,
to keep bothering Jesus for no reason.
[audience laughing]
Excuse me, Lord.
It's me with this fish again. Uh...
[audience laughing]
Thank you for that laugh, ma'am.
I appreciate it.
[audience laughing]
I'm glad you're all
laughing at these jokes too,
'cause comedians be hurt
when people don't laugh at their jokes.
It make us sad.
And you can tell
when our jokes don't work too.
It really hurt us and stuff.
And after the show,
if you see two comedians together
and one did good, and one didn't,
speak to both of them,
or don't say shit at all.
[audience laughing]
'Cause that comedian that didn't do good,
he's on a fucking whirlwind of just...
hatin' and hatin' himself.
Riding home, all the way home, no radio.
- Just...
- [audience laughing]
Windshield wipers, no rain. Just...
[audience laughing]
"Where did I go wrong?"
But y'all do that after every show.
Like, look, here...
Here's the comedian that did good.
Here's the comedian that didn't do good.
This is what you all do after every show.
"Excuse me."
"Boy, you was funnier
than a motherfucker tonight."
"Without you,
that whole show sucked dick."
"You should've headlined that shit.
Ah, you was funnier than a motherfucker!"
"Can I get a picture? My man."
"Can you take this picture of us?"
[audience laughing]
You can tell
when a comic joke ain't working.
He'll be like,
"Yeah, shit is crazy out here."
"It's wild and shit, you know."
When you hear that,
that mean a comedian joke don't work.
Black or white, you know?
You hear that.
Or they say, "Give it up for the ladies.
They look so beautiful."
All this bullshit. They just...
They'll say that shit
'cause their jokes ain't workin'.
Make you give it up
for all kind of obvious shit.
"Who woke up this morning?"
Bitch, we all woke up this morning.
Make me waste my claps, motherfucker.
[audience laughing]
You ever see a comedian get to
his punchline, the punchline don't work?
Like, "Told her to knock on the door.
She gonna ring the doorbell."
"I'm like,
'What she ring the doorbell for?'"
[forced laughter]
[chuckles uncomfortably]
"Uh, shit is crazy out here,
that's what..." [voice fades into mumbling]
"Give it up for the ladies."
Happy anniversary, Improv! We love you!
- Yeah!
- [audience cheering and applauding]
[chill music playing]
Let's hear it for Sarah Silverman.
[audience cheering and applauding]
Hey! How ya doin'? Thank you.
Thank you very much.
It's really nice to be here.
You know, I was just back East
'cause my sister got married,
and it was really neat. You know,
they took each other's last names.
They hyphenated it, you know?
So now my sister's name
is Susan Silverman-Abramowitz.
[audience chuckling]
Yeah, but they're thinking
of shortening it to just "Jews."
[audience laughing]
Oh, good, the Jews.
They're good people. I like them.
So I was home, and I saw my dad.
I feel really bad, you know,
'cause when I was 14,
I went out with my father's best friend.
And, uh, yeah,
that's embarrassing, you know?
My father having
a 14-year-old best friend.
[audience laughing]
What a loser.
[chill music playing]
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Fortune Feimster!
[audience cheering and applauding]
What's up, you guys?
Yeah, this is fun.
Listen, I know.
I'm way better-looking in person.
Sixty years of the legendary Improv.
How cool is that, right?
[audience cheering]
Best chicken tenders in the biz.
You guys ever had 'em? They're good.
Yeah, you had 'em?
Are you a barbecue or ranch kinda gal?
Anybody can answer.
[audience laughing]
[woman] Ranch!
"Ranch!" [chuckles]
Nobody can just say...
[in dignified accent] "Ranch."
[in hillbilly accent] "Ranch!"
I'm a dressing-on-the-side kinda gal.
No, um... [laughing]
Listen, my accent gets a lot thicker
when I go home.
I, uh, I recently went home
to visit my parents
in my hometown of North Carolina,
and... Yeah! Shoutout, North Carolina.
Now I don't know about you guys,
but when you go home to your hometown
to hang out with your parents, um,
I know for myself,
I immediately revert into a 15-year-old.
Right away.
I consider myself independent, you know.
I run a business,
I'm married, I travel the world...
But 30 minutes at home,
I cannot function as an adult.
Cannot do this.
For instance,
I could rent a car when I go home, right?
I have a credit card.
I just turned 25.
- No.
- [audience laughing]
You laughed way too hard at that.
But my mom insists
on driving me everywhere,
and, uh, I'm like, "Fine, whatever."
I sit in the back to mess with her.
[audience laughing]
I also have my taste buds
revert back to when I was a teenager.
Um, I immediately just want biscuits.
Those just fried gluten balls, baby.
Give 'em to me.
And my body just instinctively knows,
uh, that breakfast at Hardee's
ends at 10:30.
Like, I just know this.
[audience laughing]
Do you guys know what Hardee's is?
Have you heard of Hardee's?
[audience cheering]
For those of you
who don't know what Hardee's is,
it's a fast-food chain,
it's owned by Carl's Jr.,
uh, very similar vibes,
except Hardee's is known
for their breakfast biscuits.
Very tasty stuff.
Now, I would have to fact-check this...
I think that Hardee's, uh, is called that
because it can clog your heart
and your arteries.
[audience laughing]
Don't quote me.
But I was home, uh, recently,
and I overslept,
uh, 'cause my mom didn't wake me up.
[audience laughing]
And I woke up,
and I went, "I need some biscuits!"
And I looked at my clock,
and it was 10:15.
I was like, "Oh my God.
Oh my God. Breakfast ends at 10:30."
So I go, "Mom, Mom, Mom! Mom, Mom!"
"Mom, I gotta borrow your car!
Mom, I gotta go get some biscuits!"
And she goes,
"Well, my car's in the driveway,
and it's already running." And I said,
"Why is your car in the driveway
and it's already running?"
She goes,
"It's been running for the last hour."
"Uh, I drove it this morning,
and I realized that if I turned
the car off, it might not turn back on."
"So I just left it running in the driveway
for an hour just in case we needed it."
I said, "I don't have time
to get into the nuts and bolts of this."
[audience laughing]
"You could've taken it
to a service station."
"But I gotta go get some biscuits."
So I threw on my flannel,
and I got in my car,
uh, my mom's car,
and I drove across town to the Hardee's.
Now, by the time I get there, it's 10:22,
and there is a line in the drive-through
to the street.
I'm like,
"Oh my God! Everybody wants biscuits!"
[exhales in distress]
So I'm panicked, and I...
Normally, I would just
pull into a parking space
and run in and get those biscuits,
but I'll remind you
that if I turn this car off...
[audience laughing] might not turn back on.
And there ain't no Ubers
in this tiny-ass town.
So I'm waiting in line, I'm like,
"Come on, come on, come on."
Finally, 10:28, I get up to the speaker,
and I just yell, "Biscuits!"
[audience laughing]
You don't have to specify when
you're from a small town in the South.
They just know what that means.
So she accepted my order. I'm like, "Yes!"
And then that car died.
Dead as a door nail
right there
in the middle of that drive-through line.
I was like, "No, no, no, no, no."
The woman said,
"No, you don't want biscuits?"
I said, "No, no!
I want biscuits. I do want biscuits."
"I'm in my mom's car,
and my mom's car just died,
and I don't know what to do."
And she goes,
"Okay, I'll cancel your order."
I'm like, "No, no! Please!
Please don't cancel my order."
"Just... can you keep them biscuits,
and can you put them up front?"
"I'm gonna get rid of this car,
I'm gonna come in there,
and I'm gonna get them biscuits."
And she said, "You have two minutes."
I said, "Bitch!"
[audience laughing]
You don't got any leeway? Jesus.
So I'm freaking out,
I've got two minutes
to figure this all out.
And you can't walk
through a drive-through line.
- I've tried twice at midnight.
- [audience laughing]
After a couple of pia coladas,
they do not want you
walking through that drive-through line.
So I'm like,
"How am I gonna get rid of this car
out of this drive-through line
in two minutes?"
But you know how
a mom gets that mom strength
when her baby's in trouble?
And she's gotta, like,
lift up a bus to save her baby?
Well, I got that mom strength.
But for me, my baby was biscuits.
So I put the car in neutral, I got out,
I got in between the car and the door,
and I just start pushing this car, going...
[loud effort grunt]
Making that noise too.
[loud effort grunt]
Now, these two dudes behind me in a truck,
they get out of their truck
to come help me.
All they see is me from behind
and my broad shoulders,
and they go, "Oh, he's got it."
[audience laughing]
And then they get back in their truck.
So I'm T. rexing this car.
- [audience laughing]
- [effort grunts]
I'm sweating my tits off,
which is probably why
it was very confusing for those guys.
[effort grunt]
Now, there's a row of parking spaces
right across the way,
so I just give the car one last... [grunts]
Car starts rolling
towards these parking spots.
I'm pivoting into a sprint,
or at least I think I'm sprinting.
[audience laughing]
Thirty seconds left,
I can taste these biscuits.
It's like the Southern Olympics
happening right now.
And then all of a sudden,
I hear this boom.
I look up,
and everyone at the Hardee's
has dropped their French toast sticks,
and they're staring at me,
and whatever's behind me...
So I turn around and look.
I had pushed this car so hard,
that it rolled through the parking space,
over an embankment, into a ravine.
[audience laughing]
The hood of the car crashed into a ravine,
the smoke's billowing out
of the freakin' engine,
the alarm's going off,
the trunk popped open.
I'm like, "Oh my God!"
I ran in there, got those biscuits.
'Cause if I'm gonna wait for a tow truck,
I'm gonna at least be full.
[audience laughing]
And I called my mom,
I told her what happened,
and she told me I was grounded.
- Uh...
- [audience laughing]
But I got them biscuits, baby.
All right. Thank you, guys,
so much, for having me.
- [audience cheering and applauding]
- Congratulations to The Improv.
Sixty amazing years.
[announcer] Let's have a nice hand
for Ray Romano.
[audience cheering and applauding]
Thank you.
My wife wants me to buy her a gift now.
She's, uh... it's her birthday.
She's afraid she's getting old.
I try to tell her it's all relative.
The mayflower lives for how long?
Anybody know?
The mayflower lives for a day.
24 hours. Imagine that.
Imagine living one day.
Imagine that at lunchtime,
you're having a midlife crisis already.
Yeah. Aw, and if you died before noon,
it's a tragedy.
"Oh, he has his whole day ahead of him."
[audience laughing]
You know what they do for one day?
You know what the mayflower's purpose is?
It's to reproduce. Imagine that.
I mean, if you have to live for one day,
that's the day, right there.
Hell, I wouldn't...
Even if I was a mayflower,
I wouldn't be able to have sex. I know it.
It'd be the...
They'd find some turn-downs for me.
"Oh, tomorrow. Tomorrow..."
[voice fades out]
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Mark Normand!
[audience cheering and applauding]
All right. Comedy, huh?
Yeah. We're really doin' it.
Sorry, I'm a little hungover.
Not gonna lie to you guys.
I gotta cut back.
Went out with a friend last night,
a beer expert.
You know these guys, like,
"We gotta go to a brewery."
I'm like, "Why can't we go to a bar?"
He's like,
"It's fun. You can see how it's made."
I don't care how it's made.
[audience laughing]
Look, I like porn.
I don't need to go to a broken home.
- Ha.
- [audience laughing]
No. Not saying all porns
aren't broken homes,
just the ones I like. All right.
- [audience laughing]
- Um...
Yeah. I gotta cut back
on the booze, you know?
I actually got let go from a job once
for being "drunk at work."
Yeah. My boss is like, "Get in here.
You're a high-functioning alcoholic."
I was like, "Jeez.
How'd he know I was also high?" Ha ha.
[audience laughing]
But I was out with my friend.
He's a... He's a gay fella.
Yep. We got any gay guys here?
- [man whoops]
- Hey, all right!
Thanks for "comin' out."
- Um, okay.
- [audience laughing]
Um, good to have you there.
My buddy, he's wild, you know? He's fun.
He loves straight dudes. That's his thing.
He's like, "I love flipping a hetero."
He's like, "You know hard it is
to go out every night,
see people you wanna have sex with
who don't wanna have sex with you?
I was like, "That's exactly what it's like
being a straight guy."
- Ha ha.
- [audience laughing]
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"I'd argue it's as hard for me
to sleep with a woman
as it is for you to flip a hetero."
He was like, "No, you have no idea."
"Gotta taken 'em out for hours,
convince them."
"Yeah, yeah. Same here." Ha.
He's like, "No, even if you do
pull it off, which is like a miracle,
they feel horrible after."
"Yeah, yeah. Same shit." Ha.
[audience laughing]
We went back and forth for hours.
Back and forth.
Eventually, I woke up at his place.
- Ha ha.
- [audience laughing]
I know.
Still sore.
Um, yeah.
But, you know, big fan of the gays.
You guys are the best. Uh...
Great people. Positive, non-violent.
You never meet any violent gay guys.
There's no gay gangs.
That would just be a musical.
Right? Yeah.
I'm not gay. Do like the ladies.
Big fan of the old...
[clicks tongue] ...labia.
Majora and "minora" for the Jews.
Yeah, yeah.
All right.
We got any Jews here?
- [scattered cheers]
- Hey, all right. Too many.
But, uh... No, I'm kidding.
[audience laughing]
Just joking. My wife's Jewish.
Met her on that Jewish app, uh, PayPal.
- But, you know... Okay.
- [audience laughing]
All right. We're having fun.
But, yeah, so many beautiful women in LA.
It's crazy.
Ladies, you know how to look good.
You know all these tricks.
That's how women figured out
to take the selfie up here.
That was all you, ladies.
You know where your good sight lines are.
I think that's why women like tall guys.
Some guy looking at you
from your best angle 100% of the time,
all day long.
That's why you don't mess with short guys.
Some guy like, "Jeez,
look at the triple chin on this broad."
"Holy hell."
[audience laughing]
I'm glad I'm not single.
It's hard to talk to ladies. That's scary.
Ladies, hit on men more. Hit on us.
You can say whatever you want to a guy.
I had an older lady approach me once.
She goes, "Ooh, I'm gonna kidnap you."
I was like...
[audience laughing]
I was like,
"Wow, I could never say that to a woman."
- Ha ha.
- [audience laughing]
I say that to a lady,
she calls the police, you know? Yeah.
I'd be curious to know what
a woman could say that'd offend me.
Like, "I'm gonna take you home,
I'm gonna drug you...
take advantage of you, and film it."
I'd be like,
"At least let me pay for the Uber." Ha ha.
[audience laughing]
I'm just jealous of you gals.
You got options.
You got the freedom to say no.
Like, if a girl goes on a date with a guy,
and this guy
takes out his Nazi memorabilia,
she's like, "I gotta get
the hell out of here." Right?
But if I go out with a girl
and she takes out her Nazi memorabilia,
I'm like, "I gotta bang her
and get the hell out of here." Ha ha.
- [audience laughing]
- Mmm.
But, you know...
Mentioned the height thing.
I was never good on the apps
'cause women would ask how tall I was.
You ladies are all
a bunch of height supremacists. You know?
- [audience laughing]
- Yeah.
"You over six feet? You over six feet?"
I never knew what to say.
I was like, "Well, no, but, uh,
I'm still growing as a person."
- Ha ha ha.
- [audience laughing]
You know?
Yeah, that was a tough one.
Didn't know we get to ask physical stuff.
I was like, "So, how much do you weigh?"
She was like, "Whoa, that's body-shaming."
"It's hard for me to lose weight."
It's like,
"Even harder for me to gain height."
- You know.
- [audience laughing]
Okay. Workin' on it.
Oh, hey, all right. Yeah.
Look at that. Little short guy love.
There ya go, buddy.
- What are you, 5'10"?
- [man in audience] Yeah.
- Yeah, me too. All right.
- [audience laughing]
I know my own.
All right, yes.
Cool. Hey, you guys are nice.
Lot of crowds very sensitive now.
I had a guy yell at me once. He goes,
"Hey, buddy, that's a trigger word."
I was like,
"Whoa. I think it's pronounced 'trigga.'"
- But, you know.
- [audience laughing]
Oh yeah.
You know, these are weird times.
People are tense.
A lot of anger, a lot of hate groups.
White supremacists, all this stuff.
It's weird you're allowed
to be hateful in America,
as long as you're not specific.
You know, if you're like,
"I hate Jewish people,"
everybody's like, "What a bigot."
But if you're like, "I hate people,"
everybody's like, "Tell me about it."
- Ha ha ha.
- [audience laughing]
Yeah, times are tense.
Saw one of those White Lives Matter
rallies go by my house the other day.
I was like, "Oh jeez," then I realized,
"It's just a half-marathon."
- Ha ha ha.
- [audience laughing]
[raucous laughter]
Oh yeah.
Tense times, you know.
Everybody's very nervous
about racial stuff.
I was talking to one guy
at my last day job,
like, "What's the name
of that new guy on the 5th floor?"
"The really tall Black guy?"
This guy goes, "Whoa."
"I don't see color."
Like, "Really? You really just say that?"
So I looked this guy right in the eye,
and I was like, "Hey, man, it's cool."
"I'm Black."
[audience laughing]
And he was like, "No, you're not."
And I'm like, "Aha."
- Ha ha ha.
- [audience laughing]
You may not be racist, but you are a liar.
- All right.
- [audience laughing]
Everybody's touchy, you know.
I was on the subway in New York recently,
watching an interracial couple make out.
I was just staring at 'em, you know?
[audience laughing]
And this guy next to me was like,
"Hey, man, what the hell?"
"What are you, staring at them?
Are you racist?"
I was like, "What? I'm not racist."
"I'm a creep."
- Ha ha ha.
- [audience laughing]
"What are you talking about?
I'm hard." You know?
[audience laughing]
Yeah. I'm not a racist,
I'm aroused. Ha ha.
[audience laughing]
I'm Kevin Hart. You guys are great.
Have a good night.
Comedy, thank you!
[chill music playing]
[announcer] Welcome, David Spade!
[audience cheering and applauding]
So, I am from Arizona, and, uh...
Thank you all.
I'll kick my own ass a little later.
- [audience laughing]
- [Spade] Yikes.
I moved out here last summer
to see my mom. She lives out here.
I needed her to cut my steak up
in little tiny pieces so I could eat it.
[audience laughing]
I flew out here.
I tell ya, flying's kind of a drag.
When you get on any plane,
the stewardess will always tell you
the name of the pilot.
You know,
like anyone goes, "Oh, he's good."
[audience laughing]
"I like his work."
"He usually does the Midwest."
So we land at LAX.
I've never been here before.
Every terminal is taken
so we can't even park the plane.
We're, like, taxiing around
for 20 minutes.
Finally, we see this pilot,
and he's carrying his keys.
We start following him around for a bit.
[audience laughing]
But he's just getting
something out of his plane,
so we can't park there, you know.
[chill music playing]
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Anjelah Johnson-Reyes!
[audience cheering and applauding]
Oh, what a special night.
It's so good to be here
at the Hollywood Improv,
especially since
my husband and I just moved
to Nashville, Tennessee.
It's different there
[audience laughing]
Yeah. Being a California girl
living in the South,
I've had a lot to learn.
I learned when I go to a restaurant
and I order an iced tea,
it automatically comes
with three pounds of sugar in it.
They call it "sweet tea."
We call it "diabe-tea."
[audience laughing]
It's delicious.
Little things are different.
Like when I'm in LA, if I go to a store
and they're like,
"Can I help you find anything?"
I'm like, "I'm okay."
And if I'm feeling really friendly
that day, I'm like, "I'm okay, thanks."
[audience laughing]
That's it. That's where it ends.
Then I get to Nashville,
I'm at TJ Maxx one day.
I can hear the ladies
in the row next to me.
[in Southern accent]
"Can I help you find anything?"
"I'm all right,
but thank you so much for askin'."
"It's my pleasure.
It's a beautiful day outside."
"Yes, it is. But they say
it's gonna rain by three o'clock."
"Make sure you get home
before the traffic. It's gonna be a mess."
"Bless your heart!"
[audience laughing]
[in normal voice] I was like, "Ooh.
"I don't know if I have
energy for the South."
[audience laughing]
I don't know how to do it.
Like, who stops talking first? Me or you?
And then I look in the row next to me.
Neither one of 'em even work there.
[audience laughing]
Another thing I've noticed living
in the South is the bugs are bigger.
Like, in California,
we have bugs, but our bugs are cute.
[audience laughing]
Then I get to Nashville.
I went to get in my shower one morning,
there was a spider in my shower.
Now, this spider was so big,
I thought I was interrupting him.
[audience laughing]
I did. I went to open my shower curtain,
I was like, "Ooh my God, I'm so sorry!"
[audience laughing]
"I didn't know
anybody was in here. My bad."
I'm learning a lot about the South.
I don't know if you guys knew this,
but it's very haunted in the South.
Lot of haunted places there.
I'm very into the haunted, ghosty stuff,
so when I first got to Nashville,
I started Googling.
I was like,
"Where in Nashville is it haunted?"
And then Google was like, "Go outside."
[audience laughing]
But doing my research,
I've come to the realization
that most ghosts are from the 1800s.
Any time you ever hear
about a ghost story, it's usually like,
"Oh yeah, that's, uh, Mabel."
[audience tittering]
"She died in 1806
of seasonal allergies."
[audience laughing]
You don't ever hear about a 1997 ghost.
[audience laughing]
You've never heard the story,
"Oh yeah, that's, uh, Stacy."
[audience laughing]
"She died in '97."
"She was crossing the street
while checking her pager."
[audience laughing]
I like scary movies.
You guys like scary movies?
- [audience cheering]
- Yeah.
I'm into it. I mean,
sometimes they're a little predictable.
You know?
Like, you always know when the ghost
is gonna come on the screen
because the music changes, right?
It turns into, like,
creepy classical music.
Or Johnny Cash.
[audience laughing]
But not if your ghost was Stacy.
[audience laughing]
No. If Stacy was your ghost,
she'd wake you up
in the middle of the night with,
[singing TLC's "No Scrubs" melancholily]
No scrubs
No scrubs
[singing En Vogue's "My Love"]
Never gonna get it, never gonna get it
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering and applauding]
Stacy's creepy.
[audience laughing]
They say dogs are really sensitive
to paranormal stuff.
And that's true.
My dog is super sensitive.
And he's also super cute.
We adopted him at the shelter,
and we wanted to know what breed he was,
so we did a little DNA test on him.
Come to find out, he is Yorkie,
Maltese, shih tzu, cocker spaniel,
miniature schnauzer,
Mexican, and Puerto Rican.
[audience laughing]
[in sing-song voice] Hello, scholarship!
I'm Anjelah Johnson-Reyes.
Thank you guys so much.
- [audience cheering and applauding]
- Happy anniversary, Improv!
Please welcome Dave Attell. Dave Attell.
[audience cheering and applauding]
I went to one of these sex stores.
You know the kind.
You and your friends go in
and laugh at all the stuff,
and then you go home, and then
you race back alone and buy it all?
[audience laughing]
I bought my girlfriend a vibrator.
She dumped me.
[audience laughing]
No, she called me up the next day,
like, "Dave?"
[voice vibrating]
"I don't know how to tell you this, but...
listen, I wanna be alone."
"For a long time."
[audience laughing]
[chill music playing]
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Jeff Dunham!
[audience cheering and applauding]
Thank you.
Thank you very much. Before I get
started here, I just wanna say
The Improv, for me, started in 1988,
and I had just driven out here
from Texas, where I grew up,
with a truck full of dummies and dreams.
[audience laughing]
But, uh, so 20 years doing The Improv,
it was just great,
and I moved onto other things after that,
but it's great to be back here
and to have some fun
here tonight with you guys.
- Sound good? Yes? Maybe? Yeah! Good.
- [audience cheering]
And there's been some little guys in boxes
that have helped me along the way.
One of them is here this evening.
I hope you enjoy it.
Please help me welcome
my old friend Walter.
[audience cheering]
Ah, shut the hell up.
[groans mockingly]
- Walter, you know where we are?
- Yeah. What a dump.
[audience laughing]
Come on.
It's the world-famous Melrose Improv.
Well, la-di-freakin'-da.
- A lot of history here.
- Translated, "old as crap."
Have you looked around?
Since we've been here, they've done
a lot of refurbishing, made it nice.
Well, polish a turd, it's still a turd.
[audience laughing]
[Walter laughing mockingly]
And, I know...
Can we get this out of the way?
- Go ahead.
- Yes, I know I look like Joe Biden.
[audience laughing]
It's not funny.
People say it all the time.
"Are you Joe Biden?"
I don't want to disappoint them,
so I go, "I don't know,"
and they believe me.
[audience laughing]
And somebody else
is always telling me what to say.
[Jeff inhales]
[audience laughing]
Screw you. That's a good joke.
[audience laughing]
- Anything else going on?
- I don't know.
- I'm tired of my other job.
- You do have another job.
- Yeah.
- Tell them what it is.
I am a greeter at Walmart.
[audience laughing]
- What do you say to everybody?
- Welcome to Walmart.
Get your shit and get out.
[audience laughing]
Thank you.
- Anything else wrong?
- I think I had too much bran.
Too much bran? Should make you regular.
Hell, I'm three years ahead of schedule.
[audience laughing]
- Shut up.
- [Jeff snickers]
But it's good to be back in LA.
Yeah, great to be back
in LA and Hollywood.
So fantastic here.
The city's done so much for itself.
Holy crap.
[audience laughing]
- This summer's been hot as hell.
- It was.
Oh my God, we had a freakin' hurricane.
- What the hell? How did that happen?
- I don't know.
To make matters worse,
middle of the hurricane, what do we have?
Freakin' earthquake!
In the middle of a damn hurricane!
God hates this city!
[audience laughing]
- Yeah.
- Anything else wrong?
- I don't know. I'm just pissed.
- Why?
- I don't wanna go home.
- Why not?
I think my house is haunted.
- Why's that?
- My wife is there.
[audience laughing]
Every time I walk in the door,
all I hear is, "Get out."
[audience laughing]
- You guys get in another argument?
- Oh yeah.
- On the phone, I hung up on her.
- That wasn't good.
I know. She called right back
and she goes, "Did you hang up on me?"
I said, "I don't know. Does it sound
something like this? 'Click.'"
[audience laughing]
- Bet that made her mad.
- Oh, I felt a disturbance in the Force.
- Your wife's a lovely woman.
- She's gettin' old.
Come on. Women age like... like fine wine.
She's aging like milk.
[audience laughing]
- How long you been married?
- Eleven years.
- You'll see.
- What?
Remember when you said,
"Till death do us part"?
Later, you realize
you're actually setting a goal.
[audience laughing]
- How long you been married?
- Forty-six years.
What was the happiest moment of your life?
Forty-seven years ago.
[audience laughing]
- So what's the secret to a happy marriage?
- Tupperware.
- Tupperware? Why's that?
- Yeah.
Lightweight, and it hurts less
when she hits you with it.
[audience laughing]
Your wife's supposed to be your soulmate.
More like my cellmate.
[audience laughing]
- How is the love life?
- At my age? Good God.
Come on. I had grandparents
who, well into their 80s,
were still having fun.
Their 80s? Good God.
What kind of sex is that?
"Was it good for you?" "I don't remember."
[audience laughing]
"Who are you?"
- No blue pill for you?
- Oh, are you kidding me?
That stuff's the work of the devil.
- It's supposed to help.
- It does. Not really, though.
Impotence is God's way
of helping a man like me
to just say no.
I will say, though,
Viagra does keep me
from rolling out of bed.
[audience laughing]
It's a kickstand joke!
So at your age, how do you
keep things fresh in the bedroom?
[audience laughing]
I thought making love got better with age.
Yeah, hang onto that dream, pal.
You know, I bet when you were younger,
you were quite a ladies' man.
Oh, I used to chase skirts
all over the world.
- Really?
- Till I got to Scotland.
And, boy, was I surprised.
[audience laughing]
- You got that new watch, didn't you?
- It's a Swatch.
What the hell's a Swatch?
I don't know.
A company in Switzerland invented watches,
so they called it the Swatch.
Oh. Good thing they weren't in Croatia.
[audience laughing]
"What time is it?" "I don't know.
Let me look at my 'cratch.'"
"Sorry I'm late.
My 'cratch' is a little slow."
"Yeah, it's like a Timex. It takes a..."
All right. Say good night, Walter.
You guys have been awesome.
Thanks for having us.
- That's Walter. There we go.
- [audience cheering and applauding]
[announcer] Let's have a big welcome
for Wanda Sykes.
[audience cheering and applauding]
I see dates out.
I love when I see people out on dates.
You see a lot of women
hanging out together, men hanging...
You see that, don't you?
And you know why you see that?
'Cause men are getting cheap.
That's what's going on. Right, ladies?
- [women cheering]
- Guys are getting cheap.
Look, guys, I know the recession
is going on, but y'all are getting cheap.
They take you to the movies,
they don't buy you the popcorn
and the sodas anymore, do they?
Nooo, uh-uh. If the movie starts at 7:30,
they get you there by 7:29,
rush you past that concession stand.
[audience laughing]
Go to the movies!
Go to the movies, you can see women
losing shoe heels at the concession stand.
[audience laughing]
And once you get in the movie theater,
you gotta give him little hints
to let him know you're thirsty.
You're sitting in the movie theater
like this...
[makes choking sound]
[audience laughing]
[makes choking sound]
[audience laughing]
[in raspy voice] "Excuse me."
[audience laughing]
"Do you think
I can get something to drink?"
- [audience laughing]
- "I'm a little thirsty."
[in normal voice] He's like, "Oh yeah.
Hey, man. You finished with that drink?"
[audience laughing]
"She's thirsty."
[chill music playing]
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Kevin Nealon!
[audience cheering and applauding]
I know, I know.
I know. Believe me, I know.
Thank you, thank you.
Well, thank you very much.
I have a lot of history with this club.
This is the first club I ever went to.
This was, like, back in the 1900s.
[audience laughing]
I'm serious, I'm serious.
And, I tell you, this was...
this was the first stage
I've ever been on,
and I remember my first heckler.
Oh, you gotta hear this. You got a minute?
- [audience laughing]
- Okay.
So, um, it was like a delayed heckle.
I left the club, I got home,
in my jacket,
somebody had stuffed an envelope,
and it said, "You suck."
"I'm gonna put a bullet
in your big, fat McHead."
[audience tittering]
I'm not kidding around. I swear to God.
I was terrified. I was like, you know...
And for the next week,
I was so paranoid, I'm asking everybody,
"You think I have a fat head?
You think it's fat?"
"I hope it's not fat."
But I even remember when the first time...
[in high voice] I remember when...
[in normal voice] How come your voice
goes up when you reminisce? People go...
[high-pitched] "Remember when I met you?"
[in normal voice] For some reason.
No matter how tough the guy is.
"Hey, Mack, thinkin' about the time we
worked at the steel mill in Pittsburgh."
[high-pitched] "Remember when we
beat the hell out of that trucker?"
[in normal voice] Even if they're speaking
a different language, you can tell.
[speaking gibberish]
[gibberish becomes high-pitched]
I like to remember... I have so many
moments in my life that stand out.
Like the first time I went skiing.
I didn't know anything about it.
I didn't know
they labeled the trails for difficulty.
You know what I mean?
Like the black diamonds for the steep,
the blues for the intermediate,
the greens for the easy.
I'm in the middle of Colorado,
and I pull into this convenience store.
I don't know where to ski.
So many mountains.
I said to the guy, "What's the best
mountain to go skiing on?"
He looks at me right in the eyes, goes,
"You know what? I like Copper Mountain."
"A lot of people don't like to ski there.
Afraid of the blacks."
I thought, "Oh, this guy's a racist."
[audience laughing]
And, uh...
But he said, "I don't mind the blacks.
I have a lot of fun with them."
"But they're all over the mountain.
They're everywhere, man."
"You can't get away from 'em. Seriously."
"And, uh, some of them,
not very well-groomed, by the way."
[audience laughing]
He said, "Yeah, my sister went down
on a black a couple years ago,
and she's never been the same."
[audience laughing]
"But," he said, "if you want the good
white powder, that's where you gotta go."
"That's where you gotta go."
Okay, well I'm not going
to Copper Mountain, that's for sure.
[audience laughing]
Probably my proudest memory
is when I had my son.
Um, I never thought that would happen,
but, you know,
my wife went and got pregnant, and uh...
- [audience laughing]
- No, seriously, she did.
Didn't care whether it was a boy
or a girl, as long as it had a penis.
That's all I cared about.
No, seriously, that's all I cared about.
And we get to the hospital,
and then the doctor comes in,
and she says,
"Hold up her left leg like this,"
which is how I'd gotten
into this position in the first place.
[audience laughing]
And, uh, she said, "Oh, look, look,
you can see the baby's head
coming out a little bit."
"Looks purplish, uh, green,
a little bit like that."
"Kinda like a big, fat McHead."
I said, "How do you know about that?"
And she said,
"Look, the whole head is out now."
"Wanna pull the rest of the baby out?"
No! I don't wanna pull
the rest of the baby out!
But I said, "Yeah, okay, okay."
'Cause I hate confrontation.
So I'm pulling on it. It's not coming out.
The neck is just elongating.
I told her, I said, "I'm afraid
I'm gonna rip the baby's head off."
She said, "You're not gonna
rip the baby's head off."
I said, "If I do,
I'm gonna be angry at you."
So I got it in a headlock,
and I finally pulled it out.
It popped right out of there.
[audience laughing]
And the first thing I saw
was it had a penis,
and it's the only time I've ever
been excited to see a penis in my life.
- [audience laughing]
- It really is.
And then the doctor goes,
"You wanna cut the umbilical cord?"
And I'm thinking, "Jesus!
Doesn't anybody wanna work around here?"
"Why do I have to do everything?"
"Why don't you come to our house?
You can cut our grass."
So I didn't care.
I took the scissors and snip, snip,
and, you know, in hindsight,
it was really a great experience.
In fact, two hours later,
I went across the hall,
I delivered two more babies.
[audience laughing]
And a C-section...
[audience laughing]
...which I kinda botched,
but it was a good experience.
Good experience.
Well, I gotta tell you, man, uh,
I really enjoyed being here tonight,
pain in the ass,
because you, as an audience,
uh, I mean,
you are so energetic, coked up,
and I like that about you guys. I do.
I wish I could hang out
for the rest of the show,
but gotta visit
a friend in the hospital, strip club,
and, you know,
because... that's what I do, you know?
Titty bar? That's what I like to do.
I like being around that stuff.
But anyway, um, you're gonna enjoy
the rest of the night tonight, not really,
and, um...
[audience laughing]
And I think you're gonna
have a fun time. Fat chance.
So thanks for coming tonight.
Enjoy the rest of the show. Thank you.
Thank you very much.
I appreciate it. Thank you.
[announcer] Let's have a big hand
right now for Margaret Cho.
[audience cheering and applauding]
I was recently featured on this show
that had international comedians,
and they chose me
'cause I'm so very international.
And they had a real problem with me
because I look this way,
but I talk this way.
[audience laughing]
There's a problem.
They're trying to be sensitive about it.
They're like, "Margaret, we don't want you
to take this the wrong way,
but could you be a little bit more,
oh, I don't know, Chinese?"
[audience laughing]
[scattered applause]
"Um, actually, I'm Korean."
"Well, whatever."
[audience laughing]
And I was supposed to go on this show
and tell jokes.
What was I supposed to do?
[in Korean accent]
Oh, my husband is so fat...
[raucous laughter]
[audience cheering and applauding]
...that when he sit around the [indistinct]...
[raucous laughter]
...he really sit around the [indistinct]."
[raucous laughter]
[chill music playing]
[announcer] Please welcome Craig Robinson!
[audience cheering and applauding]
[piano note plays]
[Craig clears throat]
Um, I'm drinking... water this evening,
as you can see.
My girlfriend and I are in a challenge
where, if I drink alcohol again,
she's gonna leave the relationship.
[audience laughing]
[piano note plays]
[gentle melody playing]
[loud, off-key warbling]
I was watching my favorite movie,
which is... Inception.
It's amazing. It's just...
Every time they went to sleep,
I went to sleep.
I said, "Ooh, another nap?
Ooh, yes!" [moans happily]
"Fuck yeah!"
[audience laughing]
[glissando playing]
[playing Bon Jovi's "Livin' On a Prayer"]
Somethin' real dramatic.
[audience chuckling]
Tommy used to work on the docks
[audience laughing]
Oh Lord
[singing lyrics indistinctly]
[audience singing lyrics indistinctly]
She gotta
[audience] Hold on to what...
- [Craig yelling gruffly]
- [pounding on piano]
That's how I come.
- [yelling gruffly] Fuck!
- [pounding on piano]
Fuck you! Fuck you!
[audience laughing and cheering]
[playing "Clair de Lune" gently]
If you're here with your lady right now...
[continues playing "Claire de Lune"]
...reach over and tickle her pussy
a little bit right now.
[audience laughing]
Whisper in her ear.
"That's from Craig."
[audience laughing]
Let me tickle that pussy
Oh man.
Oh! This... this AI.
It's out of control.
- [audience laughing]
- Where's your phone, sir?
You got your phone?
Anybody got your phone?
You couldn't use your phone?
You got anything? It doesn't matter.
Here, hand it up. Watch this, watch this.
Look at that. Didn't touch it.
I want you to check this out.
Three, two, one.
Just AirDropped you a dick pick.
[audience laughing]
Oh, wait.
It says "file too large." [muttering]
[chuckles] Have a good night, everybody.
Thank you so much.
I love you, Improv.
- [audience cheering and applauding]
- [chill music playing]
[announcer] Here's Norm Macdonald.
[audience cheering and applauding]
Ahh. All right, thanks.
I bit my tongue today. You ever do that?
[audience laughing]
Man, that hurts, huh? Holy cow.
Now I got a big purply-pink thing
on the side of my tongue in there,
and, uh, very embarrassing
biting your tongue, you know?
You'll just be walking down
the street minding your own business.
Doodly doo, doodly doo
Doodly doo... Ow!
[audience laughing]
You have everybody looking at you there,
and... you feel ashamed, you know?
You're ashamed that you bit your tongue.
People go,
"Hey, what's the matter over there?"
You go, "Oh..." [laughs awkwardly]
[audience laughing]
"My uncle's sick."
[audience laughing]
"I didn't bite my tongue,
if that's what you think."
[audience laughing]
"It's my uncle."
So, I'm surprised I don't bite my tongue
all the time, actually,
'cause I got so many teeth.
I got 50, 100 teeth. Something like that.
And they're all right around
my tongue there, you know?
[audience laughing]
They don't get out much.
And, uh...
and they'll bite anything.
They don't care.
Could be pork, could be my tongue.
Got too many teeth, that's the problem.
How many teeth do you need?
Five, six?
[audience laughing]
You can get along with that.
You can eat a sandwich with that.
But a lot of them,
you don't even know what they're for.
I got two big fangs
sprouting out of my gums over here.
[audience laughing]
The hell use are they? You don't
need fangs. You're a civilized person.
You don't need to... rip the throat
out of a gazelle to get a meal anymore.
[audience laughing]
[chill music playing]
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Whitney Cummings!
[audience cheering and applauding]
Thank you!
Come on. You guys are awesome.
So, uh, I am pregnant.
I am six months pregnant.
- [audience cheering]
- Thank you.
I just found out I'm having a boy baby.
Um... Oh, you believe in gender.
- [gasps] Toxic!
- [audience laughing]
I feel like I cannot ask
women in Los Angeles
the gender of their baby.
I'm worried I'll get in trouble.
I'll see a pregnant woman,
I'm like, "Boy or girl?"
They're like, "Uh, Whitney."
[exaggerated scoff]
[audience laughing]
"The baby will tell us its gender
when it's three days old."
I'm like, "Damn, okay."
That's over my head.
The kids and gender thing,
that seems like
some rich-person shit to me.
I... I grew up poor.
Um, when you grow up poor,
you're whatever gender
your older sibling was.
[audience laughing]
I wore a hockey jersey to school
till I was, like, 12, okay?
I identified as a goalie.
[audience laughing]
Nobody told me that when you get pregnant,
you can't get Botox, which is upsetting.
I'm not trying to look
like a young pregnant lady or anything,
I just date men in LA,
so I have to get Botox so I look
interested in what they're saying.
[audience laughing]
I have to be like, "Cool!"
"Yeah, please tell me more
about how, on your ayahuasca journey,
you had an epiphany
that you're polyamorous."
[audience laughing]
"Oh yeah, please elaborate on how
you go to Burning Man a week early,
but don't vote."
[audience laughing]
"Yeah, I'd love to see your tattoo
that says 'Breathe.'"
[audience laughing]
"Mmm! Please, continue that lecture
about how you won't eat pussy
'cause it's not a 'complete protein.'"
[audience laughing]
When did men
start saying "complete protein"?
What is this... Guys, now,
you guys work out all the time,
you all look like Popeye for no reason?
You're all doing... What is happening?
Why do your shoulders look like that?
I don't understand.
Why are you guys working out so much?
Is it so in case you run into Joe Rogan,
in your mind, he's gonna be like,
"Hey, man. Cool body."
[audience laughing]
Like, it's just... All men now.
I don't know. What are you training for?
I don't know how to break it
to my guy friends.
No one's drafting you.
Like, that's... They don't...
They don't need you on the team.
Like, what are you guys up to?
You're like, "We gotta get in shape
to go to war in the YouTube comments."
Like, where are... What's it all for?
[audience laughing]
It's not even athletes. It's just all men.
I don't need my Enterprise Rent-A-Car guy
to be in ketosis.
Like, why are you... You stink.
Why does my TSA guy have cauliflower ear?
Like, dude, you're bleeding.
[audience laughing]
The guy I'm dating, he does CrossFit.
He wakes up at 6:00 a.m.
to practice a bunch of skills
no one's needed for 2,000 years.
[audience laughing]
He comes in, he's like,
"Hey, I just pushed a tire up a sand dune...
forty-two times."
I'm like, "Cool."
"Can you just get this printer
to print at any point?"
[audience laughing]
He'll be on his phone in bed
for, like, hours.
Just on his phone,
and I'll start to get jealous.
I'm like, "Maybe he's looking
at a fitness model lady,
or porn with women with abs or something,"
and, uh... and I'll get jealous,
and I'll snap.
I'll be like,
"Hey, what are you watching?"
He'll be like...
"David Goggins' morning routine."
[audience laughing]
I'm like, "So you're watching
another man exercise?"
"I don't know what to do with that."
"Why can't you just cheat on me
like a normal fucking guy?"
Don't know what to do with the fact
that you're emotionally invested
in another man's legs.
[audience laughing]
But he's obsessed with David Goggins,
and I wanna be supportive of it,
so every now and then during sex,
I'll yell, "Stay hard!"
[audience laughing]
He loves it.
I feel I used to understand men.
I used to understand you guys.
There used to be
two kinds of guys, remember?
There were two categories.
There were jocks, and there were nerds.
And recently, you guys merged...
[audience laughing]
...into the same guy.
You're now just one giant super dork.
[audience laughing]
And all you eat is steamed chicken,
and you wanna talk about,
like, bro science?
All of a sudden, you wanna talk about,
like, the biological basis
for what happened in tribal times.
[audience laughing]
And every lecture always leads
to why you should be able to cheat on us.
Like, always... It's always like, you know...
[audience laughing]
monogamy's not natural, you know."
[audience laughing]
"Because, you know, in tribal times,
we evolved to have penises
that are curved..."
[audience laughing]
" scoop out the semen
of the competitor, so..."
[audience laughing]
"Technically, I am supposed
to be out there fuckin' and scoopin'
and fuckin' and scoopin'
and fuckin' and scoopin'."
"But, uh...
guess I'm just here with you."
[audience laughing]
You're like,
"Okay, let me get this straight."
"So, you don't believe in monogamy,
but you do believe in invisible money?"
[audience laughing]
I know. This is always very upsetting
to the men in shorts. Um...
[audience laughing]
But here's the thing.
I don't think we're doing crypto.
I don't think
the crypto thing is happening.
No one thought
the timing of crypto was a little shady?
As soon as women started making money,
guys were like, "Ah, money's over."
[audience laughing]
[groans sympathetically]
I'm like, "No, I just started
making money. I made this money."
"Yeah, sorry, sweetheart."
"That's gonna be toilet paper
in a couple years."
"Money is now an invisible code
in the sky. Good luck finding it, bitch."
Like, what?
I still cannot get a guy
to explain crypto to me.
As far as I understand,
it's just astrology for men.
I don't...
[audience laughing and cheering]
You guys'll be like,
"Yeah, my Ethereum coin is in retrograde."
I'm like, "Am I paying for dinner or not?"
"Like, I can't understand..."
I'm very serious
about being up-to-date on the news,
as long as it's free.
Anyone else hit one paywall,
and you're just fucking out?
[audience laughing]
The headline will be like,
"Are We Going to Nuclear War with China?"
I'm like, "Holy shit! Are we?"
"Two dollars..."
[audience laughing]
"...for 18 years
of The Wall Street Journal?"
"Get the fuck out of here with that shit."
[scattered applause]
I'll wait till Alex Jones tweets it
for free, like a real journalist.
[audience laughing]
[Whitney chuckles] You guys are awesome.
Thanks for coming out to the show.
- What an honor. Thank you.
- [audience cheering and applauding]
[chill music playing]
- How are you?
- [indistinct responses]
This is, like, a... very well-groomed crowd.
You know? Really, look at all
the brush marks in everybody's hair.
[audience laughing]
Ever have a friend
staying over at your house, and...
they go in the shower,
then you go in a couple hours later,
and one of their little hairs
is stuck on the wall of the shower?
[audience laughing]
And you wanna get rid of it,
but you don't wanna touch it.
[audience laughing]
You try and ignore it.
You're taking your shower,
you're looking at the hair,
it's looking at you. Can't ignore it.
You know it's there, it knows
you're there. Have to do something.
And we all respond
in the same way, probably.
First, take the shower head,
aim it at the hair.
[audience laughing]
Never works.
You always have to get a pool of water
from under the shower, walk to the hair...
[audience laughing]
...and get it down
a foot at a time, like this.
[audience laughing]
"It's moving down.
I'll be all right in a second."
But you don't have to touch it.
[audience applauding]
[chill music playing]
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Jo Koy!
[audience cheering and applauding]
Thank you.
- [scattered cheering]
- I love it.
So, uh... this is... this is the dream gig
for every comic, right? So...
I... I wanted to play The Improv...
This is how old I am.
I'm gonna say my age, and it sucks.
I'm gonna make a reference. No one's
gonna know what I'm talking about.
It was on A&E's Evening at The Improv,
which was basically...
[scattered cheering and applause]
Which was basically
the internet for people my age.
[audience laughing]
You know what I mean?
Nothing works, 'cause my son's 20,
so every time I make
a reference to my age, he's like, "What?"
It sucks, 'cause I'm at that age now.
I just had a bunion removed, and...
[audience laughing]
Like, a bunion! Like, I don't know
if you saw when I walked up,
like, I wasn't trying to be cool.
- It was... my fucking left foot, done.
- [audience laughing]
Fucking toe is chilling on the other toes...
[audience laughing]
It'll be like, my fucking...
My left big toe
is laying on the other toes, like...
Like, "You guys walk. We're good."
- And it was chillin'.
- [audience laughing]
And then it grew...
it grew a fucking... another bone.
Another bone.
So I had to cut that bone, shave it down,
and then they cut it in half
and put it together, and screw it.
That was two months ago, okay?
Fucking hurts.
[sympathetic laughter]
That's old-people shit.
My son doesn't get it, and I...
The thing about being a dad,
um, when your son
doesn't get old-people stuff,
I don't wanna sit there and like,
"You know, son," and explain it.
I just look at him and go, "I can't wait...
I can't wait for you to go through this."
[audience laughing]
"I can't wait for you to..." [laughs]
Let me... okay,
let me... okay, let me... let me... okay.
[Jo and audience laughing]
It was so funny, uh,
the beautiful people of The Improv
asked me to do this,
and they go, "What is your set list?"
And I go,
"Man, isn't the place called 'Improv'?"
[audience laughing]
That's... that's a fucking cheat.
You know what I mean?
You might as well call it "Set List."
[audience laughing]
So, if you guys are wondering
why I'm all over the place,
it's 'cause I'm doing
exactly what I'm supposed to do.
[audience cheering and applauding]
It's a skill.
I'm fucking blessed.
I have a talent.
God gave it to me.
[exclaims joyfully]
[audience laughing]
Recognize your talent right away
and encourage it, right?
If you have kids,
"What is it that you have?"
"What's your skill set?"
"I'm passionate about this."
Then fucking encourage them.
I grew up during a time where
that was not the right choice, right?
My mom, an immigrant from another country,
the minute I said I wanted to be a comic,
"What? Are you fucking kidding me?"
[audience laughing]
"A clown?"
[audience laughing]
"I gave birth to a clown?"
[audience laughing]
"You're Filipino, Joseph.
Everyone in the family is nurses."
"Be a nurse!"
"But, Mom... I'm failing high school."
[audience laughing]
"And you want me to save lives?"
[audience laughing]
So... I don't know.
[audience chuckling]
What I'm saying is, my son is 20.
[audience laughing]
[Jo laughs]
And, uh... and, you know,
at the beginning of this journey of mine,
working at The Improvs,
it was, you know, a lot of my mom saying,
"Joseph, you have a son now."
[clicks tongue]
"How would he feel
knowing that his dad is a clown?"
[audience laughing]
Like, really fucked-up and demeaning!
- See, the...
- [audience laughing]
Because where she's from, that's how you...
And I know now, like, the internet
has bonded us and has unified us,
and we've picked up
different cultures through the internet,
so everyone's kind of this melting pot
of... of something.
Whereas when I was a kid, my mom
knew nothing but where she was raised,
and how she was raised.
So if you're gonna be a clown, fuck that!
"I would've told your dad to pull out..."
[audience laughing]
"...if this batch was gonna be a clown."
[audience laughing]
And it kept going.
I worked every fucking job here, man.
Every fucking job, dude.
Marina del Rey,
there was a bunch of yachts,
and on the weekends,
I used to clean that shit,
just so I could come here
and do 10 minutes, or five minutes,
or whatever time it is that they gave me.
I didn't give a fuck. It was my dream.
I'm not gonna let my mom
tell me not to live my dream.
Dude, I know I'm supposed to do this shit.
"I'm a comic, Mom. I'm so fucking funny."
"I don't even know
what I was gonna say tonight,
and I fucking made you laugh
'cause I'm so good."
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering and applauding]
[Jo chuckles]
So all I'm saying is,
if you're gonna take that next step
and... and create... [chuckles] ...not pull out...
[audience laughing]
...listen to them. Whatever it is
that they want, encourage them.
Let them have their own failures.
Let them fail, 'cause when you fail,
that's what makes you fucking good.
I didn't... I wasn't...
I wasn't this good right away.
[all laughing]
I was fucking awful.
But now I'm so goddamn good.
[audience laughing]
I'm so goddamn good!
I'm so good
that even the jokes that I'm improvising,
at the end of it, I'm not going,
"Man, it's crazy out there."
[raucous laughter]
- [audience cheering]
- Mm-mm. I'm not.
I'm not. I don't look at anything.
I read the room, and I feel it.
You know what I mean?
I'm just fucking good.
And I gotta be on my A game
'cause my son is right there
in the back of the room.
I have videos of me touring
every fucking Improv in this country
with my son on my shoulder.
So, now I'm getting emotional,
but goddammit, this is amazing!
- [laughs emotionally]
- [audience cheering]
So when you hear your kids,
whatever it is that they want to be,
encourage them!
Even if you know in the back of your head
that they're gonna fuck up,
let 'em fuck up!
'Cause that's what you did.
That's why you have a child.
You fucked up!
[audience laughing]
So let 'em.
Let 'em make mistakes.
Let 'em do
whatever it is they're gonna do.
If they're gonna go, and not be a nurse,
and work four jobs
just to get
seven minutes' worth of stage time,
don't tell 'em that's a bad choice,
or compare 'em to somebody else
that's successful in the family.
"You know, your cousin's a doctor."
"You know, your other cousin's a nurse."
"All right, great."
I didn't let that change my mind.
I fucking did it.
And now look
who's buying the family houses.
[audience laughing and cheering]
The clown.
I love you guys. Happy birthday, Improv!
Sixty years, sixty more.
I love you guys, thank you.
[audience cheering and applauding]
[chill music playing]
[announcer] One more time
for Jo Koy, everybody!
[audience cheering]
[Jo] Oh.
[chill music stops]
- [man] Oh, okay.
- No, no, no, keep it rolling.
Where's my son? I gotta bring him up,
'cause this is a moment
I need to bring him up.
[audience cheering]
No, I want him on stage.
- There we go.
- [audience cheering]
This guy I took to every Improv with me,
and now look at him.
[audience cheering and applauding]
I love you guys. Thank you, again.
- [chill music continues]
- [applause continues]
[applause fades out]
[chill music fades out]