The In-Laws (2003) Movie Script

You will see that her fingerprint
matches exactly.
That's very nice. Very, very nice.
...when will your buyer have the money?
He should have the money
within a week.
You will do it in four days.
Four days. That's Sunday.
I've got something going on on Sunday.
Sunday will be fine. I'll work out
my schedule. I'll juggle it, not to worry.
One more thing.
If I come to America with Olga... think you can get me tickets
to Cline Dion?
I will not only get you tickets,
I will get you backstage.
And if we're really lucky,
you'll have coffee with her, okay?
Get down!
There's your guys.
See you in four days?
- How'd it go?
- Well, I had a minor snag.
Not bad.
I would've liked to gotten in
a double twist before the blowup.
Heads up.
- Thanks, doll-face.
- Anytime.
You got any gum?
Put your thumb in there.
So Cherkasov wants
to do the deal on Sunday.
The wedding's on Sunday.
I knew that.
I wouldn't forget my only son's wedding.
We'll just have to juggle.
Don't think of it as a problem,
think of it as an opportunity for a solution.
- So have you met the bride's family yet?
- No, I'm a little worried about that.
- About what?
- Well, the father. He's a doctor.
You know how they are. They think
they're better than all the rest of us.
He's probably a brain surgeon
or something.
I need you to listen
to me carefully now...
...because it's getting very, very serious.
All right.
Now, the fungus on your toes
is coming back.
Are you putting the powder in your shoes?
Are you using the cream at night?
If a piano was falling on your head,
you move out of the way "sometimes"?
It's a fungus. I wasn't worried.
Start worrying! It doesn't hurt to worry.
Dr. Peyser, your daughter's here.
I'll be right back.
- Hey, Daddy.
- Hi, sweetie.
What'd you want?
The Mortons are bringing
their children now.
- You know their 8-year-old, Irwin?
- Yeah.
He has a shoe fetish.
I had them at the table
with Uncle Bernie and Aunt Thelma...
...but I think this is a problem.
- Thelma was beaten up in a shoe store.
- My God.
I don't wanna put them together. I'll move
Bernie and Thelma to the 12-step table.
Fine. Whatever you want, Dad.
I just don't want you to be too anxious
about the seating chart.
No, I'm fine. I just want
the best wedding in the world, that's all.
Marc's only requirement is that
his parents are at separate tables...
...facing away from each other,
and out of earshot.
- I know.
- And his dad's coming over at 7 tonight.
- I'll believe that when I see it.
- Marc swears he'll be there this time.
- Well, I'm making a veal.
- Nice, Dad.
Okay, I'll sign off on this and fax it
to the new caterer and we're done.
- The new caterer?
- Yeah, you know that.
Daddy, you fired another caterer?
They weren't caterers.
That was a man and his wife and lettuce.
Okay. Fine. I didn't even want a caterer,
I just wanted six people and a beach, but...
Melissa, this is what you want.
This is the wedding you'll remember.
You're right.
Thank you, Dad.
Get the beach out of your head,
it's overrated.
You'll be standing there in front
of an E. Coli sign.
Shit. We got a fire in number one again.
Got any halon left?
We're losing altitude.
We're coming up on Nova Scotia.
- How about Thibodoux?
- You're meeting his person tonight.
I can't tonight.
I've got the in-laws for dinner.
I've blown them off three times.
I can meet with Thibodoux's person.
You do the parent thing.
No. You're not ready yet.
- Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.
- Who got you into this business?
I taught you everything you know.
When you're ready, you can take the lead.
I'll figure it out tonight.
I'll just improvise.
Okay, here we go.
Mayday, mayday! Lear Niner-Whiskey-Mike
approaching cape Breton.
And this is when Melissa
went bungee jumping.
She's so crazy.
- Was that my dad?
- Nope.
Your father seems
to be working all the time.
I had no idea selling Xerox machines
was so demanding.
It's a wild ride.
Yeah, but he loves it.
I have an announcement to make!
The glaze on the veal is now a laminate.
It's like a plastic jacket.
He doesn't usually cook.
He can't handle the pressure.
I'd just like to know
what day we're gonna eat.
He's here.
Here we go.
I am sorry. I am so sorry.
My apologies. Engine trouble.
Mea culpa. Mea culpa to the tenth power...
Are you Katherine?
Oh, my God! Marc said you were gorgeous,
but he didn't do you justice.
- Come here. Come here.
- Well, thank you.
Hello, beautiful. How are you?
Good to see you.
Hi, buddy. Sorry, business.
- Is she here?
- No. She'll be at the rehearsal dinner.
Okay, good.
Boy, do you have a beautiful house here.
What is that, veal jerky?
We passed jerky about an hour ago.
This has gotta be the doctor.
- Come here.
- That's all right.
- Come here. Come on.
- No, I don't like this.
Thank you, Jer. I don't need your watch.
I've already got my own right here.
What are you talking about?
How did you do that?
- I love magic tricks!
- That's wonderful.
Breaks the ice a little bit, huh?
Gets that party going!
All right. That's very entertaining.
Dad, does he get the watch back?
Of course! I just feel terrible about the meal,
so dinner is on me!
He who is tardy pays for the party, okay?
Jer, Katherine, what do you feel like?
Ethnic food?
How ethnic?
This place is gonna
knock your socks off.
I'll meet you inside, okay?
Dad, can I have a second with you?
- At least the dog looks fresh.
- Just relax, honey.
The whole schmoozy salesman thing...
- Yeah, how's that playing?
- Take it down a notch.
Yeah, okay, I got you. Thanks.
Good evening and welcome to Quan Lee.
Table for five?
- Are you full tonight?
- Expecting to be any moment, sir.
This is Quan Lee.
He's the owner of the place here.
Quan Lee and I did some copy-related work
in Vietnam together.
Katherine, why don't you sit over here.
He had a copier with a paper slot
that was choked with paper.
So I destroyed the copier.
Dad's always got great stories.
Tastes like beer,
but it's got an incredible buzz.
This guy gets around.
He's chased across Prague in the morning,
has dinner with U.S. Contacts that night.
- So have you ever been to Vietnam?
- No, but we hear it's lovely.
Jerry prefers to stay in one place.
He had an anxiety attack
watching an airline commercial once.
Honey, I did not have an anxiety attack.
If I remember correctly, that airline is now
out of business, so thank you very much.
Jer, I'm with you. I like to be in control.
I like to be right there in the driver's seat.
In which case,
pray you're not a passenger.
Marc doesn't like the way I drive.
Am I wrong? I look at traffic signals
sort of as a suggestion.
In that case, you would be wrong.
He would.
- Who's that?
- Which one?
- The guy on the left.
- Just a sec.
You got him?
I've got no ID.
He could be deep cover.
Would you like me to bring you
some arm extenders with that?
No, I'm fine, thank you. I'm just...
I'm stretching.
We'll have the house special, please.
Extra hot.
Let me check, make sure they do it right.
But whatever you bring extra hot,
bring out mild too.
Or eggs!
Can we hold this off
for about two hours?
I have to wire my employer
in 30 minutes.
Jer, wait till you see the special.
You are gonna flip out.
- We're very excited.
- I can't wait.
Jer, you all right?
You haven't touched your food.
My food is still eating.
- Well, I think it's time for a toast.
- Hear, hear.
Marc, buddy...
...seems like yesterday you
were just starting school.
What was the name of that school?
- Horton?
- Horton, yeah.
Sorry. I should have gotten there
a little more often.
But look at you now,
out of law school...
...working with a brand-new firm,
about to marry this beautiful girl.
Where did the time go, man?
I gotta go to the John.
Oh, I'm sorry.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
You haven't even tasted it.
Have you seen the Discovery channel?
This is one of the stars.
You might as well eat
Barbara Walters.
I'm going to the bathroom.
I don't like to be kept waiting.
You know we're hot?
If we're going to do this,
we have to do it now. Take it out.
- Should I put it in?
- I'll do it.
Very well. Good old Olga.
She's in good shape for a 20-year-old
runaway. Where is she exactly?
I'll tell you when I get the money.
Bring the proof to Monsieur Thibodoux.
I'll wire him now, tell him you check out.
I'm not going to France,
I just came from Europe.
I'm barely adjusted
to the time change.
This deal has gotta go down
by Sunday.
You are not serious
about brokering a deal for Olga.
I'm serious...
Hey, Jer?
- You're not a stall-peeper, are you?
- No. No.
Because they got a website for guys like
you. I think you ought to take it online.
Actually, I dropped a quarter, and...
- It's not in there?
- No.
I don't need it. I'm all right. Thanks.
Yeah, could I do this alone?
You're not centered.
Would you mind? It's too close for me.
I have a shy bladder.
Oh, great.
Talk to me on day six.
Jer, you still here?
Oh, you got that shy bladder thing, huh?
That's pretty common.
Buddy, you mind?
My friend is trying to take a pee.
Well, well. What do we have here?
- I'll come back.
- No, you stay where you are, Jer.
This man's just about to leave.
Excuse me.
What is this? I mean, what...?
Next time I see a woman
in the men's room...
...lm calling management!
Can you believe this?
That's it, we're going home.
The wedding is off.
What? Dad, what are you talking about?
- What happened?
- He beat up a guy in the bathroom.
He wasn't even going to the bathroom
to begin with.
- Dad, you're going insane.
- I'm already there.
I got it.
An unconscious person.
You must be working.
The first thing I noticed about the guy
is he supinates.
- So?
- His shoes show medial heel erosion.
Only pronators have that!
Never mind, it's technical.
Marc is a wonderful guy.
But this is too much for me
to handle.
Fine. Don't marry Marc, I will.
- Jerry.
- Don't "Jerry" me now. Let's go.
- Oh, sweetheart...
- Honey, let's go. Let's go. Now.
I tried to push this...
It's bad enough you screwed up your life.
I won't let you screw up mine.
I'll make this up to you.
No, no, no! You listen.
Don't apologize to me, apologize to them.
You fix this. You fix this.
Okay. I hear you.
I'm sorry about my father.
Honey, I'm sorry about my father.
- Here.
- Thanks.
- I have an idea.
- Yeah?
Let's you and me leave town immediately.
Let's escape our wedding.
There's no escaping.
- Really?
- Really.
Isn't this supposed to be about us?
Sweet, funny, whimsical Melissa.
Weddings aren't about the bride and groom.
- There he is! He's inside! Let's move!
- Go!
Get that out!
Some doctors like to operate...
...but I believe in exhausting all
non-surgical techniques first.
This gentleman, however,
will need surgery.
- What?
- I'm sorry. That's my fault.
I should've told you that privately.
It slipped out.
It's not a big deal.
At worst, you'd lose a toe.
- Oh, my God.
- It rarely happens.
All right, gorgeous, you arrange
for the plane. I'll be right back.
Are you sure about this? We've got
the FBI on us like trailer trash on Velveeta.
Yeah. No, I promised Marc.
Besides, I owe the guy an apology.
Okay, guys,
let's try and keep a low profile.
Since we're talking
about the sesamoid bones...
...let's see their role in the deformity
anatomically known as...
...Hallux Abducto Valgus, or what?
The bunion.
The bunion...
what? What are you doing here?
Listen to you.
You're Mr. Medical Authority.
I asked you on the phone not to come here.
I don't want to see you again.
I just wanted to apologize and make sure
that you don't have any problem with me...
...that would interfere with the wedding.
- There's not gonna be a wedding.
- Would you like us to step outside, sir?
- No, I wouldn't.
Do you know what a remarkable teacher
you have here?
This man was chosen Chicagos Podiatrist
of the Year three years in a row!
So let's give him a hand, huh?
Would you please leave right now?
Five minutes, a cup of coffee.
I just want to iron out a couple of things.
If I give you five minutes,
will you leave me alone forever?
Of course I will.
I need five minutes. All right?
Just relax. I'll be right back.
Thank you.
This is where I work.
I don't bother you when you're
in the bathroom with your hookers.
- What are you talking about?
- Oh, please. Olga, the 20-year-old runaway.
What are you doing?
No more magic tricks! Thank you.
- What happened? What is that?
- You! Freeze!
- What happened?
- I said, freeze!
How'd it go?
Patch things up with the family?
Well, not really.
Come on.
Watch your head, sir.
You took my picture?
Jerome Allen Peyser,
200 Rector Place.
Subject was apprehended in possession
of 9.4 milliliters of fissile nuclear waste.
- Fissile what?
- Yeah, right.
Next you'll tell me
you've never heard of Olga.
The 20-year-old runaway.
Hey, I don't know what that means.
I overheard it!
Listen, I'm a foot doctor.
- I want a name. What's your name?
- Hutchins. Now I get to ask a question.
Where'd you get that canister from,
this man?
That's him!
That's the guy who I got it from!
The homeless guy? Great.
- An arms dealer and a smart-ass.
- Arms dealer?
- What happened to pimp?
- Fine. You're a pimp.
- No, I'm nothing! It's him!
- Who?
The meter maid is the hostess!
- Nobody is who they are.
- Sounds like you're tripping on drugs, pal.
Look, he's talking to me!
Hi, there.
- I think I breathed a little!
- Don't be such a pussy.
Don't call me a pussy! You just made me
radioactive with your fissile nuclear waste!
Bet you never said that
sentence before, Jer.
- I don't even know what it means!
- Some things you shouldn't know.
You probably gave me leukemia!
Oh, you're gonna be fine.
Now, hop in.
I'm not hopping anywhere with you.
Jer, we are family. And don't make
me do something I don't wanna do.
We're not family.
There's not gonna be...
I'm going! I'm going!
Now, you hold on tight.
It's a Cushman.
It goes 5 miles an hour.
Not this one.
All right, slow down!
Listen, while I got you here...
...I wanted to tell you I'm so sorry
I had to drag you through all this.
All right, there's a car!
Okay, wait a minute!
- Is that a fanny pack?
- Yes.
What's so funny?
There's a taxi! Oh, my God, a taxi!
This isn't funny. There's a girl!
OStop this! Stop the little thing!
Jer, I'm worried about you.
You just don't look good.
Let me get you a glass of water.
What's the plane situation?
Will I make it to Thibodoux's in time?
It shouldn't be a problem.
You have tailwinds.
He's expecting you at 3.
- You want me with you, I can rejig.
- Here you go. No, I need you here.
I wanna make sure Cherkasov is okay
with the Chicago drop.
Jer. Jer. Don't go there, Jer.
You're really gonna have
to work on your listening skills.
Mr. Xerox.
Well, a great supply of copiers
you have here.
I like the one shaped like a rocket launcher.
Does it collate?
Is that a fanny pack?
- It's cute, isn't it?
- It's adorable.
Yeah, it's a fanny pack. I'm a doctor,
something you know nothing about.
I'm riveted. Go on.
I have a phone in here and a pager...
...and some Lorna Doones,
in case I get hungry.
And I also have
a personal attack alarm...
...and if you come near me again,
I'm gonna use it!
She hit me!
Did you like it?
What is wrong with you?
Something's really wrong.
So just tell me what you are. A smuggler?
A pimp? You deal in Russian runaways?
Yeah, we're all those things and more.
We are deep undercover.
We're the CIA.
Now we have to kill him.
- Oh, Ange, enough already.
- Fine.
I'm gonna go salvage what's left
of my personal life.
- I don't believe anything you're saying.
- It's better that way.
The one thing you should know
is that we are the good guys.
Okay. Look, I didn't see anything.
I'll never tell a soul.
- So take me home and I'm done.
- We'll talk about it on the plane.
I don't fly. There's no plane.
Doctor, do you know what a roofie is?
Yeah, I know what a roofie is.
Frat boys give them to girls at parties.
Oh, no, no.
Oh, don't rape me.
Hey, Jer.
We're on a plane!
Yes, we are. And you're
doing quite well, I might add.
I'm making myself an omelet.
You hungry?
I feel sick.
How did that stuff work out
that I put in your drink?
Gives you a hell of a kick.
People say they wake up so refreshed.
You gave me a roofie.
- There's nobody flying!
- No, Gulfstream 5, top of the line.
This baby flies itself.
This one, I think,
belongs to Barbra Streisand.
- What kind of omelet fillings you want?
- You stole Barbra Streisand's plane?
I borrowed it. It's not like we're going
to the Bahamas or anything.
I mean, this is official business.
- I'm gonna throw up.
- Bathroom's right behind me.
I'm really proud of you, Jer. I think
you really conquered this flying thing.
You're my hero.
You have dialed
an invalid country code.
Okay, Marc is such a wonderful guy.
And you are so lucky.
I'm gonna get so drunk.
I'm totally fine.
I fall all the time, you guys.
I fall every day.
- Marc?
- Melissa, it's your father!
- Dad?
- Honey.
Dad, I can't hear anything.
You're breaking up.
I can't hear anything.
- Jerry?
- Katherine!
I am in the bathroom
of Barbra Streisand's airplane.
Steve is taking me to France!
Honey, your father's going to France
with Barbra Streisand!
Babs! Babs!
I'm not going to France
with Barbra Streisand!
So, what's she like? Is she nice?
She's not here!
I love Barbra Streisand.
- They're taking me against my will!
- This doesn't make any sense.
These things don't have to make sense,
Katherine. Call everyone.
All the authorities!
Do it now!
Is Melissa okay?
She said something to me in the office.
I'm worried about her.
Put her back on the phone!
- Yeah?
- Hey, Jer, you fall in?
Yeah, I did. I fell in.
I'll be out in a minute.
Mom, can you come here for a minute?
Oh, no. This is about the tax return,
isn't it?
You ever been to France, Jer?
I think we're flying way too low.
Well, we gotta stay under the radar.
It makes things a little less complicated.
Yeah, but this is just too low.
Let me tell you about this guy we're gonna
see. His name is Jean-Pierre Thibodoux.
Now, he is a smuggler of the worst kind.
But not to worry, all right?
We're just going in and out.
Gotta pick up $ 170 million.
Hopefully broker a deal where I can bust
both the buyer and seller, put them in jail.
You're getting $ 170 million?
Yeah. It's chump change for a guy
like that. Once he's got Olga...
...he can control the black market
in the U.S., Russia and the Middle East.
So everybody wants this Olga.
Oh, my God. Oh, no.
What's this shaking?
What is that? That's too much!
Oh, Jer... you know anything
about flying a G5?
That's not funny!
I'm serious, Jer.
There's something wrong here.
What are you doing?
Why are you banging that?
Do you know how you put
the landing gear down in this?
You don't know where the landing gear is?
How can you not know that?!
I got you so good, didn't I, Jer?
You son of a...
My husband couldn't possibly
be buying a...
- could you please repeat that?
- A stealth nuclear submarine.
Missing since 1998. The commander
of the fleet, one Alexei Cherkasov... a kingpin with the Russian mob,
has been selling stolen military equipment.
This is his big-ticket item.
And we found a sample...
...of her fissile nuclear waste
in your husband's possession.
Fissile nuclear what?
Each submarine emits
a kind of radioactive waste...
...which bears a unique imprint to that
particular sub. A proof of possession.
You guys,
my dad wouldn't buy a Russian sub.
I mean,
he won't even buy a foreign car.
Place is clean.
Thank you.
We'll be in touch.
Guys, let's go.
When I opened the door,
I thought they were strippers.
So I'm in France because
of submarine piss.
Yeah, it's nutty, isn't it?
Think what you'll
tell your grandchildren.
Of course, you're gonna be sworn
to secrecy, so you won't be able to, but...
who are these guys?
Hi, how are you? Nice hair.
I don't understand something!
Why would a smuggler want a...?
Large, armed,
virtually undetectable transport vehicle?
So he moves drugs, munitions,
World falls apart,
this guy makes a fortune.
I see a lot of guns.
Did you ever think it's because
you want to see the guns?
I mean, I look around,
I see birds, flowers, beautiful girls.
The cup is half-full.
You know, you gotta stop,
smell the roses.
Arms up.
Please be careful. I have very
sensitive underarms. I just don't...
I'm not kidding.
Don't do that, please. Please!
Fanny pack?
By the way, this fanny pack comes
from France.
Take a good look, boys.
I've been known to shoot tranq darts
from my knees.
Look at you.
You're just an old guy pretending
to be a little kid.
Knee brace.
The brace is for getting through
metal detectors.
Distracts them from the knife
in my shoe.
Come on.
One little thing I almost forgot.
I've been known to travel
with some dangerous types... he might think that you're
an arms dealer or a deadly assassin.
- So you just play along with it, okay?
- What?
Just play along at being a deadly...
Silent, but deadly.
We must hold our introduction.
Please, gentlemen, walk with me.
This man was caught stealing from me.
Were this one year ago,
I would torture him to death.
But I have made some personal growth.
You notice it, right?
I noticed right off the bat,
Well, I'm calmer now. I am more centered.
I spent some time with Deepak Chopra.
He wrote Molecules of Emotion and
Natural Healing for Anxiety and Depression.
I have learned how to forgive.
Run for your life!
- I know I need to do more work on myself.
- You're doing great, J.P.
I did not get your name.
- You don't know who this guy is?
- No.
The Fat Cobra.
Well, I am honored.
I hope we shall get
to know each other better.
Follow me.
Exactly who am I?
A legendary crime leader known only
as the Fat cobra.
Fat cobra?
So, what does that refer to?
A snake? Slithery? Venomous? What?
No, not exactly. It refers to...
Oh. Shit.
Your contact will meet the seller
in Chicago on Sunday.
- Then he'll give him Olga's location.
- It was Nova Scotia on Wednesday.
It's Chicago on Sunday.
What do you want from me?
I'm the middleman here.
One hundred and seventy
in cash and bearer bonds.
But I don't hand over cash
before seeing the merchandise.
J.P., who gave you the rocket launchers
last month on credit?
How long have we known each other?
All right, I trust you.
Besides, if you try to screw me...
...I will kill you
and everyone you've ever met.
That's great, huh? That's great...
Shit, that knee.
Wanna wait while I count the money...
...or take a walk?
- We'll wait here.
No! I would love nothing more than to
share a drink with the legendary Fat cobra.
Those mosquitoes are bad
this time of year.
So you're buying a submarine.
Well, that'll be nice.
Now I can take anything anywhere.
Cocaine, nuclear devices.
Whatever you want, I will move it.
That's terrific.
We just got another Town car.
- Please make yourself comfortable.
- Okay.
We're gonna lay here together.
Thank you.
To Fat cobra... the flesh.
So tell me... many kills do you have?
- Kills?
- Six.
- Six only?
Since Christmas.
People think we are insane.
They don't know the joy of holding a man's
beating heart in the palm of your hand.
That's a good feeling.
- Let's take a walk.
- No, I walked too much today.
Besides, I have a little pain
here behind my ankle.
- Let me take a look at it.
- What do you mean?
I'm a foot person.
Just like me.
All right, tell me something here.
Is it tender right there?
You have plantar fasciitis
in the heel.
You should go soak that.
Did you say "soak"?
I didn't mean soak the whole body.
I'll grab a bathing suit.
Which would you like, American or French?
I'll be right back.
I'm going to kill you! Kill you!
That's great! Great, Jerry.
You're getting into character.
I gotta get his client list
and see what he's smuggling...
...and where it's traveling,
so keep him looking the other way!
Did you hear what he's calling me?
Did you hear that? Fat cobra!
...I have to talk to you.
I can't go in with you,
but I'm happy to watch.
- Why?
- I have, like, a childhood problem.
A disease. Sort of rare.
I'm not waterproof.
My skin will let in water.
So I can't be in a situation where...
...I submerse myself.
So as a child, I couldn't do anything.
I couldn't even play with a hose.
- You know, the Slip 'N Slides?
- Yes.
I couldn't have that.
And even snow cones.
Anyway, if I got in there and
it happened, then I could really get sick.
What would happen is the water
goes all the way through the skin...
...because I got what they...
well, they call "wet bone."
I'm curious to know more
about wet bone.
Well, the money's all there, huh?
You okay?
You're looking a little dizzy.
I'm married.
- You're married?
- Yeah, I'm married.
Well, actually, we're separated.
Okay, I killed her.
Well, my wife is still
very much alive.
It's very nice to have a wife.
But as a man, there are certain things
I can only do with other men.
- Like golf?
- No, I'm not gay.
It's just occasionally I need the company
of a man.
Just because I'm big,
it doesn't mean I'm easy.
I don't want to interrupt.
Just wanted to tell you the money's good...
...I talked to the supplier,
and he'll be there Sunday.
- Would you guys like me to go?
- No, we're done.
That was a good soak,
and I thank you very much.
The international operator.
Hurry, hurry, hurry!
Could you hold, please?
Excuse me!
Peyser is on line one.
He's crazed. Something about
Steve Tobias and the Fat cobra.
- Mr. Peyser?
- It's Dr. Peyser!
You are in trouble.
Where you calling from?
How can I be in trouble?
I didn't do anything.
Steve Tobias gave me
that fissile waste!
- Did you say Steve Tobias?
- Yes.
- He's one of you guys, right?
- Mr. Peyser, this is the FBI.
Tobias was with the CIA, but he was let go.
He's a rogue agent.
- What does that mean?
- He went bad.
He's mentally unstable and dangerous.
What's this about the Fat cobra?
Please, I'm innocent.
Why don't you come tonight. We'll be
in Chicago at 8:00 at the Marriott Marquis.
We're in the Eleanor Roosevelt
Function Room.
There's no Eleanor Roosevelt Function Room
at that hotel.
One of the Roosevelts!
- Who you talking to?
- Just an operator. Nobody.
Are you lying to me, Jer?
That will upset me.
You don't want to upset me.
No, no. No, I don't.
Good. So let's get going, huh?
Last one to the plane's gonna take
170 mil through customs.
Look, I'm used to dealing
with Dr. Peyser, okay?
- What do you have to do with this affair?
- Nothing. I'm the bride.
Congratulations. Now, what do you want
me to do with the spray of freesia?
Hey, buddy, I'll show you where you
can put the spray of freesia, okay?
Gloria, what did you do with the
table-card seat-assignment thingies?
What thingies? I'm a little muzzy.
I think the devil's playing drums
in my head.
That better be my dad.
- "Streisand. Private."
- That would be me.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Where are you?
Melissa's just really freaking out.
And her dad's not even here,
and he planned the whole thing.
No, he's right here. He's fine.
Listen, buddy, I wanna give you
the heads up on something.
We've changed the location
of the rehearsal dinner.
We're gonna meet you
at the Signature Room... the Hancock Tower instead
of the Marriott.
You moved the rehearsal dinner?
Well, the Hancock Tower owed us
a favor and they'll set us up really nice.
So if you get there before I do and
there's any kind of problem, ask for Artie.
Reference the alabaster incident.
He'll know what you're talking about.
Oh, my God.
I'm sorry about this, buddy,
but it's important.
And this isn't?
You gotta trust me on this, all right?
Have I ever let you down?
Well, as a matter of fact...
Don't answer that.
I'll make it up to you.
What was the name of that song you guys
sang at that karaoke club on your first date?
"Get Down Tonight"
by KC and the Sunshine Band. Why?
I was just curious.
- I'll talk to you later.
- Super.
Oh, my God.
So you went and called the FBI.
I know all about you now.
You're a liar.
You lie about everything.
I did not lie to you, Jer.
I do not lie to family.
Don't call me family!
We're not family!
- He did what?
- It's fine.
He switches things around sometimes...
How could he just go and do that?
Because he's Steve Tobias.
And Steve Tobias is
an emotional fascist.
But I'd like to say something.
Just because I hate Marc's father...'s not going to be uncomfortable here
at the wedding.
- Hello, everyone!
- Hi, Mom.
Hi, honey.
I'm so happy to be here.
And I'm so proud of you.
And finally,
the daughter I never had.
You complete me.
You know, Marc was supposed
to be a girl.
And this is Popo.
- Popo?
- Hi.
He's doing the ceremony
with the rabbi.
He is?
The Signature Room?
What happened to the Marriott?
It's closer to the ground.
Come on.
The Signature Room.
I've always wanted to come here,
but Jerry gets vertigo.
Thank you so much for the surprise.
This would be Steve's doing.
He doesn't have a soul... he has to compensate
by making extravagant gestures.
Well, marriage is difficult.
But we had fantastic sex.
Fantastic, angry...
...crazy, crazy, crazy sex.
- We're here.
- Oh, my God.
Your dad must sell a lot of toner.
Oh, hi. I'm so happy you could come.
Roosevelt. This is it!
What's up?
Got Carlucci!
He found them.
They're over at the Hancock Tower.
Peyser set us up. Son of a bitch!
I want the whole unit regrouped downstairs
in two minutes. Let's go!
You're doing great, Jer.
First an airplane, now one
of the tallest buildings in the world.
I'm proud of you.
Has the elevator stopped?
It's too high.
Here, please.
- What's this?
- My collapsible cup.
You're a piece of work, Jer.
If it's tap water,
let it run at least 20 seconds.
Melissa! Melissa!
Daddy, where the hell
have you been?
First you plan this whole thing
without me, and then you disappear.
- I don't know anyone here!
- I'm sorry. I went to France.
It wasn't my fault.
I just want everything to be wonderful,
that's all.
Are you having a good time, at least?
I'm trying to.
- No?
- We have to do shots!
Shots, shots, shots!
- Are you okay?
- No!
The FBI came to the house!
It's Steve. I talked to them.
He's a rogue agent. He's unstable!
- Who?
- Steve.
- He's a rogue Xerox agent?
- No, no! CIA.
I'm lucky to be here.
I had a roofie. I was on a plane!
- That's right, you flew!
- I did. I did fly!
Isn't that something?
- The thing is, you gotta go private.
- Yeah.
Oh, God.
- Oh, there you are.
- Judy, Judy, Judy. How are you?
You look great.
It's the work at the ashram.
- And the therapy.
- Really?
And several powerful prescription drugs.
I'm kidding about the drugs. Or am I?
At any rate, let's give ourselves permission
to be honest with each other... we can have some closure
this weekend.
Let's not.
Why do you enjoy moving rehearsal
dinners and having everyone hate you?
Another question. On your birthday...
...why do you always end up in the bathtub
in the fetal position clutching a firearm?
And one more.
Why did you always weep like a little girl
during orgasm?
Answer to all of the above:
Fear of intimacy.
- Judy.
- You're heading for a crash, Steve Tobias.
Into a mountain called
You have been running away
from yourself your whole life.
No, I've been running away from you!
Because I'm the only one
that's got your number!
Let's go! Hurry.
Well, you're here, and you seem fine.
I seem fine? Have you heard nothing?
What, am I not talking English?
This is fine to you?
- Katherine, hi. How are you?
- Hi, Steve.
- Get away from me.
- I brought you your water.
- Okay, thanks.
- Come on, let's go.
No, I...
Get help. Get some help!
Let's do it.
What the hell is this?
I said, Signature Room!
I did, I swear.
Top floor.
- Look, there are only three buttons.
- Signature Room.
Is this not a beautiful evening?
Well, I stand before you this evening
as a very, very happy man.
Not only has the Almighty seen fit... provide me
with a beautiful new daughter...
...but I am blessed with this man
here on my left.
A man who's given so much to so many.
A man who has a taste
for adventure...
- This is your father, right?
- My dad?
...who is willing to try new things.
Damn it!
Let's take the stairs! Now!
But most importantly...
...a man who I know will always be close
in my heart.
- A man who I...
- He is mentally ill!
No, I mean it, he's dangerous!
Listen, he gave me a roofie!
He took me on a plane to France!
Yeah, I took him to France!
Stop it! He's a rogue agent!
He works for the other side!
Call somebody!
Well, enough of the hearts and flowers,
We're here to have a good time,
Here we go!
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
KC and the Sunshine Band!
Oh, my God.
Honey, this is the song we sang
on our first date!
I know.
You are one slick bastard.
Look, leave me alone!
Find somebody else to torture.
- Okay.
- Thank you!
Dr. Peyser.
Agent Hutchins, thank God!
- You're under arrest.
- What are you doing?
Stay where you are, Dr. Peyser.
Or should we call you Fat cobra?
I'm not the Fat cobra!
If necessary, shoot to kill.
You got the wrong guy! I'm...
There's 100 guns pointing at my head!
- They think you're the Fat cobra.
- Because you told them!
- No, I didn't. You told them!
- No, I didn't!
Okay. It may not be the best time
to tell you this...
...but a couple of years ago,
I slept with Marc.
And I think I'm still in love with him.
Yesterday, I was a respected man
in my community.
Today, they want to kill me!
My life is ruined!
Jerry, I am sorry I ruined your life,
but you know what?
This case is my life.
I'm on a roof.
I don't do roofs.
Peyser, down on the ground!
On the ground now!
Well, buddy, I guess this is it, huh?
We tried.
- Give me a hug.
- What, are you crazy?
- Fine, I'll hug you.
- No! What are you...?
Wait! Wait! What are you doing?
What are you doing?!
Holy Mother of God!
Now, you're gonna feel a slight jerk.
- You're so much more than a slight jerk!
- That's not very nice.
Jerry, listen to me. I need you
to keep your weight centered!
My weight's fine!
- Help!
- We're fine!
- Help!
- Have a good night!
Get control! Get control, you schmuck!
- You're not exactly helping things, Jer.
- Helping how?
- Unwrap your legs.
- What?
Unwrap your legs!
- All right!
- Thank you.
I guess I forgot to take parachute etiquette
when I went to medical school!
- This isn't fun.
- You gotta stop and smell those roses.
Don't ever use that expression again!
We're about to get impaled by that!
- What the hell is that?
- I don't know. I've always hated it.
- Jer?
- Hold on to me! I'll hold on to you!
It's okay. We're down. Easy, Jer.
Get off me!
I'm choking!
- All right. We're safe and sound.
- Unbuckle it. Quick.
- We're neither!
- We are.
- Okay, pal, let's get the hell out of here.
- No, no. I am done!
I'm finished with you! I mean it!
What do you mean?
When I thought I was gonna die,
you know what image is in my head?
I'm thinking of that look
my daughter gave me up there.
I've given her these things she doesn't
want, and the one time she needs me...
...where am I? I'm with you!
Something you should work on, Jer.
- What did you say?
- I said...
I have to work on that?
The worst father in the universe is telling
me I gotta work on something?
Do you know in the last three months I have
spent almost every day with your kid?
Have you seen him even once?
Were you even there for conception?
I bet you mailed your sperm in.
I may be bad, granted,
but you're worse!
Way worse! And you know I'm right!
You're way off course.
What is he doing here?
My least favorite person.
You wanna do something about it,
fanny boy?
- I do. I really do.
- Let's go.
Come on. Bring it on.
You wanna fight me?
Three rounds. Let's do it the right way.
He'll referee, we'll...
It was before I even met you.
It doesn't bother me that you went out
with someone before you met me.
- I went out with other guys!
- But that's not even...
- You went out with other guys? Who?
- I've told you about them.
And that's the thing. You weren't
as honest with me as I was with you.
And by the way, can you just tell me
what your dad really does?
Because he's got a few too many Prada
and Gucci outfits to be a Xerox salesman.
- I can't say.
- What?
I mean, I really...
I'm not allowed to say.
He made me vow.
And I gave him my word.
How good is your word?
Okay. I just think you're feeling
a little nervous about the wedding.
Don't tell me what I'm feeling!
My father does that.
- So, what are you doing?
- Just confirming.
Cherkasov's got her in position
five miles offshore.
Thibodoux's guy is en route, and they're
both set for a noon exchange time.
I guess I can squeeze it in between
the "I dos" and the appetizers.
Unless you think I'm ready
to take the lead.
Excuse me.
That's what I thought.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.
Don't worry, I'm used to it.
Push everything back.
Meaning what?
The whole exchange. Cherkasov,
Thibodoux, the money, everything.
Put it off until tomorrow
when the kids are on their honeymoon.
I thought you were gonna
juggle both. You always do.
I am tired of juggling.
Cherkasov and Thibodoux
are not gonna like this.
- Well, they can kiss my ass.
- Fair enough.
Did you get the tuxedos
from the dry cleaners?
I sure did.
- What about the pictures?
- Jacket pocket. Anything else?
You look very nice this evening.
Thank you.
What are you doing?
I'm just waiting for you,
Mr. Bright Eyes.
- You dressed me?
- Yes, I did.
So, Jer, we gotta talk.
I know we've had our differences, but our
son and daughter are gonna be married.
And whether we like it or not,
we're stuck with each other.
So you knocked some sense
into me, father-wise...
...and I'm gonna be changing my lifestyle.
No more shenanigans.
And I'm not working today.
Does the FBI know about this?
It won't be a problem.
This wedding is gonna be as normal
as butter on mashed potatoes.
Come on, let's go.
Like butter on mashed potatoes, huh?
That lasted about 10 minutes.
Jer, just relax.
Hutchins... you have kids?
- I have a Jack Russell Terrier.
Well, then you'll understand.
You gotta give me two hours.
- You're kidding me!
- This is my son's wedding.
You can do anything you want
to me afterwards.
You can take me out back,
shoot me, be a hero.
But let me see my boy get married.
- Or...
- Hey! Hey! Hey!
Well, maybe you ought
to just see this.
Where'd you get...?
- This was in college, man. I was pledging.
- Wow.
- Stand down!
- That's a big pair of heels.
Hutch, thanks so much.
Yeah, thank you.
We'll send out some cake later.
Yeah, we'll be right here!
- That was fun!
- Yeah. Blackmail. It's terrific.
- Jerry!
- Uncle Ben!
- Mazel tov.
- Thanks.
- Where's Marc and Melissa?
- Where are they?
- Where are they?
- I don't know. Where are they?
- I don't know.
- Ben, I'm asking you.
- I'm asking you.
- I'm asking you.
All right, stop!
We're turning into Abbott and Costello.
I'm sure they're here.
- Dr. Peyser.
- Hi, Rabbi.
We're already behind schedule, and I do
have two other ceremonies this afternoon.
- And that Buddhist monk...
- That was not my idea.
- What's wrong with him?
- He's an idiot.
- Okay. Well, let me talk to him.
- Thank you.
I don't know one person here!
Not one person.
That's right,
because it's not an arms convention.
Talk to these guys.
- Hey, guys!
- Hey.
Hi, who are you?
- Marc's frat brothers. Who are you?
- I'm Marc's dad.
- Seriously?
- Yeah.
- Marc never mentioned he had a dad.
- Like, not ever.
Well, I'm traveling a lot.
I just assumed that you were dead
or in jail.
Me too.
Well, fuck you very much
and have another beer.
- Thanks a lot.
- Thanks.
Mr. Monk...
...if you two can't work this out,
the planet is doomed.
What can I do? Just talk to her.
- Dr. Peyser.
- Hi.
- Gloria, from before.
- Yeah, I know. Hi, Gloria.
- Have you seen Melissa?
- No, where is she?
I'm a little worried.
I got really wasted last night, and I did this
My Best Friend's Wedding thing...
...and told her I dated Marc
one time.
- You what?
- I think she may have bolted.
So, I thought you'd like
to know the wedding is off.
- Why? What happened?
- Marc and Melissa have vanished.
Jerry, calm down.
It's all gonna be all right.
Melissa. Melissa!
Hey! I'll be right back.
...I know you're a little stressed out.
Well, so am I.
You know, it's a big day and,
you know, you're confused.
I was confused on the day
I got married.
I've never seen Marc happier,
and I know it's because of you.
And I get down on my knees,
and I thank that big man up there...
...for you coming into his life.
And to tell you that the second
I saw you, I knew...'re the best girl in the world.
Hi, Steve.
Oh, my God.
What are you doing in that dress?
I won't be the bridesmaid anymore.
Do you understand?
No! No, not really. No.
"I taught you.
When you're ready, take the lead."
Well, I'm ready,
and I'm taking the lead.
I don't wanna end up like you, Steve.
No personal life...
...a family that hates you.
I choose happiness!
It's really a breakthrough for me.
Now, where's the money?
It's in a case in the warehouse.
The case in the warehouse is empty.
We want the money.
Jesus Christ.
Oh, God.
What a lovely setting.
- I see your touch in the dcor, no?
- I worked with the designer a little.
Why, it's wonderful.
I was on my way here, excited about my
submarine, and then I realized something.
Do you want to know what it was
that I realized?
- Sure.
- I was more excited to see you.
- I cannot get you out of my mind.
- Okay.
I am attracted to you physically,
which for me is very strange...
...because I find homosexuality
This is a big subject.
And, you know, the wedding,
so I actually have to find my family.
I'll talk to you later.
- I have them.
- You what?
What are you doing in that?
I see you have met my partner.
Yeah, you make a lovely couple.
- So where's Cherkasov?
- Dead.
What about Olga?
- Steven Tobias, you son of a bitch!
- If we don't die, I'm gonna kill you, Dad!
- You suck!
- She's wearing my dress!
If I give you the money...
...will you leave everybody here
Of course.
Hi. Since we can't find the bride and the
groom, we're just gonna open up the bar.
So everybody have a cocktail!
That would've made a great gift.
Now get out.
Are you coming, sweet cobra?
- Daddy, this is weird.
- Where you going, Jerry?
I'm sorry, Katherine.
Can I talk to you alone for one second?
It's about us.
- We don't have time to dilly-dally.
- Pull around the boat.
What is it, darling?
What am I to you, exactly?
A plaything? Or a toy?
- No, no, no.
- Okay.
Let's do this the right way.
Jean-Pierre, I love you.
And I want you to be... wife!
How's the plantar fasciitis now?!
Jean-Pierre, come on, we have to go.
I keep making myself vulnerable.
Focus on revenge.
Well, Steve... have ruined this darling girl's
- No, no. I'm okay.
- No, you're not!
You will carry the scar of this day
until you die.
All right, I guess I am kind of sad.
Judy, how is this helpful?
Would both of you please just stop it?!
Why don't you give me a break, huh?
I'll break your neck!
That's good, Marc.
Express your anger.
- You want a piece of me?
- You bet I do!
Here it goes!
Oh, my God!
What was that?
The one time my dad showed up
at cub Scouts...
...I earned a merit badge
in covert evasion techniques.
- What happened?
- We broke up.
What is that?
That, my friend, is Olga.
In Lake Michigan?
So much for homeland security.
I'm excited to go on a submarine.
What was your name again?
It's Angela.
Goodbye, Angela.
- What are you doing?
- Taking preventative measures.
To prevent what?
May be a torpedo heading towards
the wedding.
- I'm gonna come with you.
- Sorry, buddy. It's a one-man job.
You drag me around the world
when I don't want to go.
The one time I want to, you say no?
It's my family too.
- I'm going. You can't stop me.
- Wow, Jer.
- Get on.
- On this?
What is the plan?
The Juliett-class torpedo has
an acoustic guidance system.
It tracks whatever's making
the most noise.
So if he pulls the trigger,
we've gotta divert the torpedo.
Towards what?
Let me rephrase the question.
What does the torpedo wind up hitting?
- You said you wanted to help.
- Oh, my God.
That's before I knew the plan!
It's a terrible plan!
How are you doing?
You doing okay?
Yeah. You know,
I got a few questions, like...
...what the hell is happening?
My father is in the CIA.
He works deep undercover.
I've spent my life hiding that,
but that's the truth.
I dated a few skanky girls before I met you.
I don't really like being a lawyer.
Played with LEGOs until I was 17...
...and I go to a colorist because
I'm prematurely gray. It's a rinse.
I don't want to hide anything
from you anymore, because I don't care!
All I care about is you!
- Marc!
- What?
I love you.
What are we doing now?
Why are we turning?
Make noise!
Quiet! No noise!
Wait, wait! I've got something... my fanny pack!
- I'll never make a crack again!
- Yeah, because we'll be dead!
Hold on! Hold on!
I'm gonna throw up!
It's coming at us!
Could you stop that, please?
All in all, I'm glad I met you!
Me too, buddy! I mean it!
You're the real thing!
I'm sorry I called you the worst father
in the world! I really didn't mean it!
Thank you, Jer.
I'm sure there's at least two
or three guys that are worse!
That's so awesome!
Marc? Marc? Honey? Honey?
Honey, are you okay?
Baby, are you okay?
Yeah, but there's cake in my shorts.
We're gonna go freshen up.
Are you guys all right?
We just wanted to let you know this was
the worst wedding we have ever been to.
You should thank Jerry.
He put it all together.
Thanks for coming.
We gotta do something about this.
Come on.
I know you all got a lot of questions,
but listen up.
I am deep cover CIA,
case number 3924.
Peter Markell's my sole contact
at the agency.
All right. Well, we're gonna check that out.
You know, you almost blew my cover
a few times.
But I don't want an apology...
...because I think I got a way
that you can make it up.
And do you, Melissa, take Marc
to be your wedded husband... have and to hold
from this day forward...
...for better or worse,
for richer or poorer... sickness and in health,
till death do you part?
I do.
By the power vested in me
by the Federal Bureau of Investigation...
...I now pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
- Mazel tov!
- Mazel tov.
You know how I run around
and try to save the world?
- Dad, it's okay.
- No, no. No.
What I want you to know
is, you are my world, Marc.
I'm so proud of you.
I know we fought a lot,
but we must have done something right.
He's a great kid.
And you're a very good mother.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
And I still hate you.
But I do have a room back
at the club.
I am so sorry about the wedding.
What are you talking about?
Daddy, don't you realize?
This is exactly what I wanted.
Six people on a beach.
- Good.
- I love you.
Thank you.
I love you too.
Six people on a beach.
I could have saved a fortune!
Jer, you're gonna be fine.
As a matter of fact...
...the whole family,
they're gonna be just fine.
Cobra! Fat cobra!
It's all right, darling!
I forgive you!
Call me.
You know something?
He might actually like prison.
Like it?
He's gonna love it.
A little help would be nice!