The Incomer (2026) Movie Script
1
There was once an island far out in the
sea, and on this island there lived two
gulls, a brother and a sister.
When they were wee, they were told,
defend the isle, allow no incomer, survive.
You might think it
hard living on an isle all
by yourself, that it
does weird things to you.
All that time cooped
up wee, nothing but wind
and birds and only your
brother for company.
But you'd be wrong.
They weren't odd.
They were very normal.
Oh cakes.
Good morning, isle.
And then I ripped him open.
And then, here, this is insides for all
tasty treats, like oakes and scones and
herring, but special herring that's better
than normal herring.
I tell you, I had a rare feast.
Are you feeling lonesome again?
Hello.
Toiling there puffin.
You know, there's plenty of food in here.
I'm fine, Mr Finnman.
You don't look fine.
You look like you're starving.
I've a rare feast for you right beneath
the surface.
Come on in and I'll show you.
You won't die, I promise.
No.
Oh, please.
If you would, thank you very much.
I'm telling you, puffin, you must come in.
There's so much food down here and there's
loads of people eating it all up.
What people?
Who's doing there?
Who's not doing here?
There's so many people.
Think of a lot of people.
There's more than that.
Come in the water.
Look, I found a thing.
Some mainland tool.
I like it.
Makes me feel like a big man.
Careful.
It could be dangerous.
It's not.
Wow.
Right.
That's settled.
We burn it like the rest.
But I want it.
It's no for us.
It's for mainland folk.
Away with you.
I could go for some whale blood right now.
Finished at last winter.
You know that.
How am I supposed to keep my fat when I'm
eating like a wee sparrow?
Away with you.
Fine.
I'm a shadow of a man.
Mind what Dad said.
I'm hungry.
My teeth hurt.
My tummy's all funny.
Takes me an age to pass my bottom mess.
It used to be my bottom mess flowed like a
summer breeze.
Now my bottom mess won't budge.
Well, we weather the storms up lower way.
Just like Dad taught us.
Stupid.
I don't think you're so clever,
but you're not, yes.
Do you think I can't hear you cursing me?
You took my thing.
It was bendy, and I liked it.
And it was mine.
Enough!
No!
Do
you want a story?
Hi.
This island wasn't always yours.
It once belonged to the gulls.
Scores of seabirds soaring over the waves,
carried by the wind to our ock vile.
That's where we live.
Yeah.
Let me tell you, when that many gulls come
together, they make quite a sound.
What a din the birds made.
It's screeching, squawking.
All of them beckering over who's dole,
who's fish.
You know, bird stuff.
Then, one night, a great storm brewed.
Many birds died that night.
Then, something magic happened,
where once there were families of birds,
now there were folk, lads and lassies.
They settled here.
But there were no alone.
Ships from far off lands would pass,
big ships full of encumbers.
The encumbers spun tricks and tails of a
mainland.
A shiny world full of tasty cakes and
comfy chairs and lice.
Off he tipped in for some.
Just one family stayed on ock vile.
One family weathered the pool of the
mainland.
One family stayed true to...
...encumbers.
Hello.
I am Daniel.
Hello.
I am a land recovery coordinator for the
Northeastern Scottish Council.
Under subsection three of the Ireland
Tenancy Act of 1986, you are hereby
informed of your impending eviction.
You will be immediately relocated to the
mainland.
If you have questions you can email
evictions at highland.gov.uk.
I'll give you some time to pack your
things.
Have you got wi-fi?
Hello.
And so say all of us.
Would you like a bit, Daniel?
What is it?
It's cake.
No, thanks.
I'm alright.
Thank you.
I hope you're happy.
I hope you're pleased with yourself.
Well, I hope one day you know what it's
like.
I hope you're sitting all comfy watching
Masterchef and then someone kicks down
your door and drags you out of your house
and then you're homeless on the mean
streets in the rain watching a tramp do a
big steaming job.
As I say, you must vacate the premises in
ten days.
And I'm sorry, but... God.
Danny, Danny, Danny, Danny, Dan,
Dan.
Morning, Roz.
May I?
Yes.
Oh.
Hello.
It's Cosmic Mage.
What's that?
Oh, Danny boy.
You have funny me onion, aren't you?
OK then.
Sit up here in the corner, lean with all
your toys, just itching your red bits.
I have eczema.
Do you, though?
Yes.
We all have eczema, you know.
In a way, though, don't we?
Not really, no.
Anyway, it seems that we
have an uninhabited island
in our jurisdiction that
is in actual fact inhabited.
So, under subsection,
blah, blah, blah, we want
them gone, and I want
you to serve the notice.
Doorstep evictions are usually Calum's
thing.
Calum?
Yeah.
Well, he's under an internal investigation
due to the fact that he dislocated the hip
of a pensioner during his last inspection.
So, over to you.
Right.
Um... OK, so I
don't do face-to-face.
Oh.
Danny.
Danny, Danny, Dan.
You do what I say.
Or you could seek alternative
employment because
you're not finding this
position stimulating enough.
No, no, no.
I love my job.
Yeah.
Every day here's a gift.
Well, then, pack your bags.
And listen, you.
Stop worrying.
No, it'll be good for you.
Get out there, meet new people.
Oh!
Come to steal an island, have you?
No, we want to relocate you.
Oh, God!
You admitted it, mainland thief!
No, not me.
The council, they want you.
If I don't, I shouldn't be here.
Maya, steal the hats or I'll have you in!
You will never take our hats!
Well, I'm confused.
So, are we hiding them in the sea?
No, no!
Listen, I swear, I will not come back.
I could always bash his brains in.
No, listen, the boat, the boat.
They're coming back.
They're expecting a call.
It's not up to me.
The council, if they want you gone,
you just, you kind of have to go.
Or what?
What they'll do, like, legal stuff.
Legal stuff?
Mm.
Like, laws and
paperwork and... Paper?
What is this paper?
And we've got weapons of stone and bone.
Far back, as time goes, our family's
called this island.
And if your council wants to take it from
us, they are going to activate us.
And we will drown in incomer blood before
we surrender.
Did you see that sparely missed?
Keep away from him.
Whoa!
No, no, no!
Shh!
No, please!
Smelling poison.
It's just... body spray.
What have you been here?
You and your... Sister.
Near...
30 winters.
What about your parents?
Gone.
When we were wee.
You've been alone on this island for 30
years.
Mm-hmm.
Whoa!
Sorry, it's just a toothbrush.
It's just a cleat in your teeth.
Yeah.
It's got three intensity settings.
You can have it.
If you want.
You just... put
down timing first.
He's off his shift, eh, Mr Finnman?
He's full of...
lofty words and...
quirks of manners.
There's a crab down here.
I should kill him.
Oh, what a lovely treat.
I've never seen such a big,
beautiful crab that you could
eat, Ayla, if you were in
the sea with me right now.
Look at me.
More would come.
Curse this fiddly riddle.
He's got a hat on.
The crab is a wee hat.
Ayla, you have to see this.
Quick, come in the water.
Hoi the encumber into the sea and be done
with it.
And if more come, hoi them into the sea,
too.
There's nearly a
trouble that cannot be
solved by hoiing a
living person into the sea.
You know, Feyenwell, why we keep the
encumbers away.
You want to end up like your mother?
Sandy!
What are you doing?
Nothing.
Just in a cave.
What's that you've got?
Nothing.
I've not even got anything.
What's that on your face?
It's, um, milk.
We've no corny cows.
It's milk from a seal.
A milk to seal?
Hi.
How'd you manage that?
Well, I lured him in with a fish,
and then I asked him for some milk and he
was an extremely milky seal because it's
actually a sad story.
He had children but they died,
so he had nowhere to shoot his milk,
so he just shot it into my mouth.
Sandy,
where did you get that?
We should have killed you when we had the
chance.
You said you were going to tie yourself
back up, you sneaky man of your eyes.
No, no, I'll stop.
I'm a wizard.
A what?
You know, a wizard?
I know I don't look like a
wizard, but there's no rules to
what wizards can look like,
and I know because I am one.
I'm a wizard.
Kill the wizard.
No, I've got magic powers.
My magic wizard form.
That's not magic.
No, it is.
See?
See?
I have your souls.
And if you don't leave me alone right now,
I will delete your souls.
Sandy!
Come
on.
Yes!
Yes!
No!
No!
Come on!
No, you stay back.
No, don't.
I didn't... Don't, please.
Don't come.
Please, don't.
Please, don't.
Oh, God.
What's wrong?
My blood sugar's low.
It's just a banana.
No.
My mouth is alive!
Done.
Mmm.
Am I really the first visitor you've had
from the mainland?
The first to linger.
Here.
Would you like me to show you a boot?
Come on.
This is the bog.
This is the spiky grass.
This is a rusty thing.
This is where I killed my first sea beast.
This is a spooky door.
I don't go in because it's very spooky.
This is my special area.
I come here to...
think, throw rocks, shout to the sea.
Whatever I want, really.
It's my secret special area.
You shout to the sea.
Hey!
The sea!
This is my friend Daniel!
You know, one time, I found a dead seal
over there, all rotten and full of maggots.
So, I put one of Isla's nighties on it and
I put it in her bed.
Just as a wee joke.
Oh.
What a scare she had.
She hit me in the head with a log and I
was bleeding and you could see the bone
and sometimes I can't feel my hands.
It was a right laugh.
That's nice.
I think your face is nice.
I like looking at it.
What's all this?
Isla, we were just...
Enough from you!
I was just... Waiter!
And you?
You're no wizard.
Of course I'm not.
Aha!
Ha!
Devious lion devil slot.
Okay, you both need to leave.
I mean, look at you.
You're running about with clubs.
You're wearing rags.
He's shouting at the sea.
Back on the mainland, you wouldn't have to
do any of that.
Your lives would be easier.
They'd be healthier.
Come with me.
We'll set you up in a lovely new house.
It'll be great.
I've had enough.
Are your tricks some lies?
Let's finish this.
No!
I like Daniel.
I like his hair.
And his hands.
They're soft and damp like mornin' moss.
So, that's enough.
Come back from the edge.
Daniel can't leave.
And if he does, then...
Then I will bash my own head in with this
rock and tell him deed.
All right, go on then.
Oh!
No!
Daniel!
You can swim!
Let's give her thanks.
Clara!
Right, have your fill.
Do you know like Gal?
Um, I'm vegan.
Right.
And what is that?
I don't believe in eating meat.
That's real.
That's right there.
Look.
No, I believe it exists.
I just don't believe in eating meat.
Do you believe in fish?
Of course.
I just don't eat them.
What about puffins?
Do you believe in puffins?
Yes.
They're real.
I've seen them.
I bit the head off a puffin once,
so how could I do that if it wasn't real?
To be clear, I do believe in all of the
animals.
I just don't believe in eating any of
them.
If you don't eat meat, how do you keep
your health?
Well, there's more variety on the
mainland.
There's fruit, vegetables, potato
croquettes.
So you don't get bored of the same stuff,
you know?
Speak more about variety, Daniel.
Okay, well, variety is one of the many
advantages of mainland life.
You can have whatever you want,
like avocados.
What's avocados?
Oh, man, they taste great, and they're
good for you, too.
They make you strong.
Oh, where are they found?
I think they're grown on, like,
bushes or something.
Oh, so you don't know?
I do know where they come from.
I just don't...
I think it's, like, Brazil or something.
Because we know where this bird came from.
We pulled it from the sky.
Yeah, but it doesn't matter where avocados
come from, because you can just buy them
from the shop or order them online.
What's online?
Oh, God.
Um... Right.
Online is the Internet.
Anything you want at the touch of a
button.
I want that!
No, we have enough.
How does an Internet work?
How's it work?
Well... Sounds like you
don't know that, either.
Sounds like you don't know much about
anything.
I do know it's, like, beamed
out via Wi-Fi and stuff,
so in a way, yes, the
Internet's all around us.
Right?
What if we get caught in it?
No, we already have an Internet.
Do we?
Mm-hmm.
Yep.
It's massive.
It's bigger than the mainland one.
Really?
Yeah.
The Internet that we have, it's so big,
you can fit 100 potato crows.
It's potato croquettes.
We don't have an Internet.
You're lying, Ayla.
I'm not!
You're lying, because Daniel knows things
that you don't.
Jesus Christ.
They're not stronger than we.
I would be if we had avocados!
You might think our kale belongs only to
us, but you'd be wrong.
This island, in the sea, in the bit,
belongs to someone else.
Who belongs to the Fin men?
Sandy.
Spoilers.
I'm sorry.
Fin men are murky folk, big soggy
brothers, known to steal lost seafarers
dune into the deep.
Long ago, fishermen from our rock isle
were visited by a fin man.
The fishermen were so feared they burned
their pants.
The fin man said this was their island.
And if the men wished to stay,
then they had to pay a price.
An islander had to give themselves to the
sea, to the fin men.
The islanders thought long and hard.
There was much frowning.
Then a village elder offered himself up so
that his kin might remain.
He was old and he was going to die anyway,
so it wasn't that sad.
They dragged him into the gloom where he
remained.
But thanks to his sacrifice, the islanders
could stay here.
Poor dad gave himself to the fin folk.
Shh!
But he did.
He gave himself to the sea so that we
could stay.
It's your business, Sandy.
Why do you tell us a mainland story,
Daniel?
She doesn't have any stories.
Except for the story where
there was a wizard which
was a lie saying he was a
wizard when he wasn't he.
I do know a story.
What, your own story?
Yeah.
It's about a wee guy called Frodo.
And a very powerful application form.
The one form to rule them all.
And so Frodo, right, he has to go on an
epic quest to the heart of Mordor Borough
Council to destroy it.
And I call this tale the Lord of the local
authority.
Sounds stupid.
Gandalf, right?
Bad-ass wizard and senior policy advisor.
He's up on the roof of Head Office and
it's the showdown.
The big fiery devil thing.
The Balrog Head of Finance.
Yes, he's trying to get into the building
to kill all the fellowship.
Gandalf's like, no chance, mate.
There's a line of a sand.
Balrog's like, I'm coming for him.
He's like, no, you're not.
Gandalf goes, stop it!
Boom!
He goes, you shall not pass!
Everyone's like, oh, my God!
And it's so epic and amazing, right?
That the fiery devil thing, he sort of
falls off the roof and everyone goes, oh!
Gandalf goes, yes!
And then the big fiery devil thing,
his fiery whip comes up, right?
It lashes Gandalf's leg and it pulls him
off the roof too!
No!
Yes!
Yes!
Then what happens?
You'll have to wait for part two.
And you wrote this story yourself?
Yes.
I did, yes, yes, all by myself.
It's the best story I've ever,
ever heard in the history of stories.
You know there's more stories just like
that on the mainland.
Right.
That's enough stories for tonight.
Aw.
Time for bed.
It's all right, we can...
we can do more tomorrow.
Good night, Daniel.
You shall not pass!
Better get back to the shed where I sleep.
In the cold.
And damp.
You can sleep here.
Just for tonight.
Do you have more stories then?
Oh.
Yeah.
I suppose.
Did you like my story?
I did.
Ah, it's a good one.
It's likely better than yours.
Thanks for the bed.
I will.
Don't touch your things alone,
where do you?
Okay.
We'll bash your head in and we'll cover
your nose and mouth with our hands and
then we'll maybe bury
it to your neck and then
you'll kick your head off
and we'll make you eat it.
Good night.
Night.
Oh, the lamp.
Oh.
Thank you for coming in so late.
I didn't drag you away from anything
important.
I was eating some corned beef but I
finished it on the bike right over.
Very good.
Now, I need you to go to Och Island.
It seems that Daniel has got himself into
a wee bit of bother.
I thought I was to stay in the office on
account of the investigation.
No, you don't.
Sorry about all of that.
No, the fact of the matter is these
islanders do not belong there.
And, um...
Yeah, it doesn't look good.
Especially with the chief
executive who is due to retire
soon, leaving the position
open for the right person.
We don't want any loose ends now,
do we?
No, ma'am.
We do not.
Remove those islanders.
Do whatever it takes.
Get them off.
I'll get them off, all right?
I'll get them off.
Real hard.
Daniel of Mainland!
You have been chosen!
We, the girls of Och Isle
who soar the cliffs and hunt the
waves challenge you to our
most ancient and secret tradition.
The way of the girl!
Aye, the way!
A thing we've always done and haven't just
made up this morning.
These tasks will test your skill,
strength and cunning.
You will sweat.
You will bleed.
You will be naked.
What?
No, you won't be naked.
You will have no trousers.
You will have trousers, Sandy.
You might have trousers.
If you can weather the storm,
then and only then will you
earn the right to call
yourself a true girl of Och Isle.
And after, you can tell us more stories.
So, Daniel of Mainland, will you take the
way of the girl?
No.
Oh, what?
Do you know what?
This is absurd.
I want no part of it.
Oh, please!
Daniel!
We just...
We think you're really great and we want
to make you one of us.
No, no!
He has to do the way first.
You can't just make him a girl.
It's not how it works.
Shut up, Isla!
You shut up!
Please, Daniel.
Then we can all be friends.
Daniel of Mainland, if you're to prove
yourself a true girl of Och Isle,
you must ride the wind like one.
What's she doing?
Oh, God.
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Yeah, I'm not doing that.
Aw, go on!
No, I'm not doing that.
Sorry, I'm not.
It's just I've got... heights.
I can't... I can't do that.
Sorry, I'm not... I can't.
You can, Daniel.
You made this for me?
You're now a girl of Och Isle.
Sam looks at Frodo, and he says,
I can't carry the form, Mr Frodo,
but I can carry you.
Sam loves Frodo so much.
He does.
So Sam hikes Frodo up on his shoulders,
and he humps him up 15 flights of stairs.
There's no air con.
But together, they cast the form into the
paper shredder.
And with one final beeping jam,
booo, dooo, dooo, dooo, lot of paper,
dooo, dooo, dooo.
It's done.
Lord of the local authorities,
and I'll be good stony.
I thought I must ask you to tell to them
all the time.
Don't really tell stories on the mainland.
But... the mainlanders, they must
adore you for your word weaving.
I don't know.
I think some people
think I'm a bit of a
weirdo, just because
of all the wizard stuff.
Just keep myself to myself.
For these folk, they treat you harshly.
We could kill them.
We'd just round them up, crack their
skulls.
Sandy could pull off their arms and legs.
I would do that for you, Daniel.
Thank you.
My mainlanders don't sound very nice.
Well, but it wouldn't be that way for you.
You can weave all your nice words about
the mainland, but you've yet to tell us
one thing that's better than what we have
here.
What are you doing?
I'm teaching you how to swim.
Come on.
I'll show you.
No, I've decided...
No, no.
I've decided no.
Yeah.
Ready?
Okay, one, two, three.
Was that first?
I did it.
I did it.
Rocky, Rocky, Rocky.
What's up?
What's going on?
You all right?
God, stop.
Rocky, what's going on?
It's time to go home.
I'm going to run to the...
See if you can catch me, Daniel.
I didn't say anything.
Aye, weird eyes are saying things,
looking at me full of questions.
It's just my eyes, I think.
Now, if you're loud.
My eyes are loud.
Aye, keep the noise down.
Okay.
Wow.
My mum called them...
the merry dancers.
No fairy folk.
And she said that if you're lucky,
you can catch them down here, lighting up
the dark with their glow.
What happened to your mum?
She died.
Sorry.
How did it happen?
In England.
But she's...
she's up there now.
You're the dancers.
Must have been hard.
Being left so young just you and Sandy.
I like your... your stories.
I also like your stories so I'll write
back at you.
Oh, no!
No, no!
Your face!
You just came at me!
Oh, God.
It's leading discussion.
Why would your face come at me that fast?
I was trying to kiss you.
I was trying to kiss you.
Oh, shut up!
Daniel!
Salaries.
Hello?
Daniel?
I told you to shut up!
Sandy, you know you're not to be sneaking
about my shed!
Submit!
In the name of the Northeast Sun Scottish
Council!
Get off me, my man!
Morning, my wee sleepy man.
Is that yourself, Doon?
I'll fix you some breakfast.
Big boy.
Don't eat up.
You'll need your strength.
Why will I need my...
Eila, why will I need my strength?
Morning!
I'm taking Daniel out today.
Lovely.
Where are we off to?
No, it's just me and Daniel.
And me, Sandy.
No, you're not coming!
Till later.
At all.
What am I doing?
Whatever you want, but I'm spending time
with Daniel.
I want to spend time with Daniel.
Are we spending time with me?
I can spend time with both of you.
No, you can't!
OK.
Hold on.
Is your spending time together without me?
What are you going to do?
None of your business.
Oh, no, no, no, I don't like this at all.
You'll be fine.
Go through rocks, hatch some birds or sing
a song.
You don't need us to keep you busy.
Come on.
Go in.
Bye.
If you hate this job, why do you do it?
I don't hate it.
You... No, sometimes when I
feel like I'm actually helping people.
You know?
Well, it seems awfully daft to be...
spend your life feeling miserable.
Well, you're pretty wise for someone who
dresses up as a bard.
Do you have a woman?
What?
You've wandered into the mason,
haven't you?
Jesus Christ.
What's wrong with these bards?
They think we're after the eggs.
But I'm feeding them.
Stop.
I've got to stop.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Oh, God.
It's just through half the next season's
crop, are we?
No, no, I'm glad you're dead.
It was getting a bit of hitchcock back
there.
I bet what?
Hitchcock.
Hitchcock.
I like your words.
They make me feel like...
there's... sunshine in my bones.
Oh.
Thanks.
I like the way that you've survived on an
island for 30 years.
Wait, wait.
Why did you stop?
What's that?
Is there anybody there?
Oh, that's just another incoming.
What?
Really?
Yeah.
I caught him last night.
He tried to attack me, so I just cracked
his skull and tied him up.
What are you going to do with him?
I can't just free him because he'll bring
more.
He could just let him starve.
Oh, speaking of starving, Sandy'll need
his afternoon snack.
Come on.
That's me.
Callum?
Daniel, why are you...
What happened?
There's a crowbar in that bag.
Get up for that urine.
Oh, God.
Got urine?
Urine can stave off dehydration in
survival situations.
You can't have been here that long.
What?
I'm just supposed to wait until Daniel
thirsts for a drink.
Oh, urine?
Is that to Daniel?
That seems like the only time you should
do that.
Yes.
Crowbar!
Right.
Come on!
Hang on.
You arrived here yesterday.
Did you bring this urine with you?
I had to fill them whilst it was hydrated.
Didn't I?
If I worked on dehydrated, I wouldn't have
the fluids to fill them with.
So I filled them up at home and brought
the urine with me.
What's the problem, Daniel?
Why didn't you just bring water?
So this is a sensitive situation.
You see, I've made some pretty good
inroads with the tenants.
Oh, Daniel.
Oh, no.
You want them to get into your head,
haven't you?
Right.
You sit tight, OK?
I'll be back in good time.
Oh, he's passed me some urine!
Bye, now.
What are you doing?
I'm making myself look nice.
You look like an idiot.
I don't have time for this.
Daniel and I are having a romance.
No, you're not.
We are.
I touched his face and I rubbed myself on
him, and it was beautiful.
I rubbed myself on Daniel, too,
when we did the trials.
Yeah, well, that's not real romance,
is it?
When I rubbed myself on him, we liked it.
Daniel gave me a banana.
Did he give you a banana?
It's my romance!
Not yours.
I finally got something for me, and
the best thing is it doesn't involve you.
Yeah.
I don't like you being like this.
Well, I'm tired of hearing about what you
like.
30 years, I've done everything for you.
Well, now it's time for me to have what I
want, and I want a life with Daniel,
and I don't want you to be a part of it.
Come
on.
So, um...
We just need to have quick shots.
So, look at him.
I took a bit of a stroll.
You look lovely.
I know.
These are some bottles, I think.
We used to burn everything
that was washed up on
shore, but I was just
curious about what it all was.
I mean, this, like...
Jesus Christ.
Yeah, I think it's a weapon.
I wouldn't touch that.
Stretchy.
What's that?
Oh, that's my mum's old stuff.
Is it her?
Mm-hmm.
It's used for my mainland.
It used to go back from time to time.
My dad didn't like it.
How did she die?
She was poorly.
She said to dad that she had to go back to
the mainland for help.
He didn't want her to leave.
But I got worse.
And she went away and we never saw her
again.
Dad said if she hadn't left the island,
she'd probably still be alive.
And he burnt her boat that night, and
then the next morning we started training.
Guard the Isle, allow no income or...
survive.
We should probably talk about the guy
you've got tied to a radiator.
Let's get married.
What?
It's quite suitable.
You're an islander now.
And we can start a family and we can tell
stories here forever.
I don't know, Kyle.
You want me to stay here?
All right.
I don't bear you 12 children.
12?
We're bound to lose some of them to
starvation or wind.
And then a seal could get baby while we
slept and Sandy'll probably kill them.
Mm-hmm.
You can't stay here.
Why?
Because you should come to the mainland
with me.
You'd love it.
There's so much there for you.
There's so much more.
There's more people that you can imagine.
They've got more stories than you could
ever hope to hear.
And you could even...
you could tell your stories.
And they're brilliant.
People would love them.
People would love you.
Trust me, people would love you.
You could...
you'd be...
you'd be happy there.
Are you happy?
On the mainland.
Mm-hmm.
Well, are you?
Yes.
I come in here to my
mystery hut, a place of wonder
and questions and curious
beauty, and you just...
you spill your lies all over the floor,
like spoiled oats.
Eila, you can't just live on
an island forever telling stories
and violently assaulting
anyone who washes up on shore.
Get out!
Out!
There is no place for you here when you're
rotten oat lies.
Stupid dino.
Stupid warts.
Everything he says is stupid.
You will smash your skull with a birthday!
Rose, send the evil crew.
Sandy, what's wrong?
I love you, but you don't love me.
You love Eila.
Nobody loves Sandy, and I don't want to be
alone, so I've decided that the best thing
for me to do is to squeeze a life out of
you and eat your dead body.
What?
Then you'll be a part of me forever,
and Eila won't have you for herself.
No, no, no, Sandy, wait, wait.
It's okay, it's okay.
I've never eaten a person
before, but I'm fairly sure I'll
be able to hear your thoughts,
so you won't be lonely.
Sandy, I said no, no!
It's okay.
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Just relax.
We'll be together soon.
Soon
you'll experience the might of an
off-eastern Scottish council.
What happened?
Who was that?
Another incomer.
I tied him up.
Hold on.
You had another incomer in here all to
yourself.
Were you romancing him as well?
Sandy.
It wasn't like that.
Wait, wait, Sandy, the incomer.
He's bringing more to come in.
Sandy!
He tried to kill me.
Eila.
He tried to kill me.
The sooner you both get off this island,
the better.
All right, where you go?
Back to the mainland where you'd all
sadden alone.
And I'm not leaving!
My mum died because she went there!
Well, she died because she stayed here.
Maybe if your mum was able to get help
sooner, she might have lived.
No.
No, she wouldn't because...
because my dad said...
No, your dad was mental!
People don't give themselves to the sea.
I'm sorry, Eila, but I don't think he told
you the truth about a lot of things.
That's it.
There you go.
Maybe I'll be a bit cold at first,
but I'll pass.
Soon, you'll be all warm and comfy.
No need to worry about food or sandy or in
colours taking your eye on.
It's what your father would have wanted.
What about what I wanted?
Because maybe I didn't want to stay here.
Maybe I wanted my dad.
You know the deal, Puffin.
Every generation, one of you must give
yourselves to the sea.
To me.
But that's not true.
Is it?
That's just a story.
You cannae hide, Fethys.
One day you will step in the water just
like your father did.
You owe me.
And you'll pay the price.
You must pay the price.
I know you're upset with me.
I think I've been...
hearing the wrong stories.
I've been listening to the incomer with
his shiny words.
Coming to his stupid kissy lips.
And I've... I've forgotten this.
Kept us safe.
I'm so lonely.
I was being stupid.
I was being stupid as well.
I tried to murder Daniel so I could eat
his body and hear his thoughts.
I don't know if I do really love him.
I think I just want to look at his bum.
Here.
Be careful, will you?
Hey, Dan.
Where are your clothes?
Well, this is, uh...
Dad's go-kart life.
Hey, Roz.
Just take me to the squatters.
Maybe we should talk about...
Because I know I feel a lot of them.
Don't have to spoil them up.
What about Daniel?
He's just another newcomer.
I sat on ambush.
When she'd come to an ambush, my guard was
off.
Anyway, I sat a second ambush.
Missed him the ambush was successful.
See, ambushes are like anything else.
The more you ambush, the better you get.
Is that person dressed as a bird?
That is one of the island residents,
yes.
Okay.
No, no, wait.
No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
This is their home.
These are illegal tenants
that will be removed from this
island if we have to drag them
off squawking by their wings.
With respect, Roz, you have a duty of care
to...
I don't know why I was then consenting
you.
You are an itchy re-man with weak,
noodley muscles.
I don't see what my appearance is.
If you're not going to help us,
then move us out.
Oh, that's nice.
Yeah.
I made it myself.
It's pretty easy when you know how.
All you need is a bathtub and something to
infuse.
Hmm.
I can make chicken wing sausage,
beef stroganoff, beef bolognese, and.
..
Hello?
Over here!
Who's that?
It's me, a tiny man.
Kev, is that you?
You're supposed to be checking the hoose.
It's not Kev.
It's a tiny man.
And I've got bananas.
Tom, you all right?
Tom.
Tom.
Kev!
Don't touch my sister!
What the hell are you doing?
Stay inside.
Daniel.
What the hell are you wearing?
Oh.
It's from the Trials of the Girl.
It's an ancient initiation ceremony.
Oh, shut up!
I am embarrassed for you.
I'm actually... I'm embarrassed for all of
us.
I mean, whatever
this is, it's... it's weird.
No.
I've spent years thinking I'm weird.
Because I like wizards.
And writing my own fan fiction about a bunch
of hobbits who must defeat the Predator.
That is weird.
They're wildly different franchises.
Actually, you know, because
technically Middle Earth
is our prehistory, so
it's all the same universe.
And anyway, you know what?
I don't care what you think.
I don't care what any of you think.
Maybe I'm weird.
But who cares, right?
Come on.
We're all weird.
I'm all weird.
You're so weird.
You brought four gallons of your own piss
to this island.
It's a recognised survival technique.
Can we all just stop being mental and just
move aside, Daniel?
I will not move aside.
We have a job to do.
And that job is to serve our constituents.
I started working for the council because
I wanted to help people.
But... I just seem to spend all
my time making their lives worse.
This is for their own good.
Is it?
Uh-huh.
If you ask any of them what they want,
or are they just problems to be solved and
you're way up the ladder, your approach to
this is wrong.
And I'm pretty sure your superiors would
agree with me when I'd to share with them
the fact that you sent a currently
suspended employee who is out of his
bloody mind to attack your constituents.
Now, I'm going to that house.
And all of you will wait here until I
return.
We're not leaving.
OK.
What do you mean, OK?
I mean...
if you decide that you want to stay,
then I'll stand by you.
But is that what you want, Isla?
The mainland...
it's not perfect.
I can tell you what to do.
But please don't decide,
because you're scared
of all the bad things
that might happen.
Choose...
because of all the good things that could
happen.
It's all right.
Isla, since Dad left, you've hardly smiled
even one time.
But since Daniel came, I've seen you do at
least four smiles.
I want you to be happy.
Both of you.
But we can't all stay together,
because we haven't paid the price.
So...
I know what I have to do.
Sandy!
Come on!
Come on.
Come on!
Come on!
Come on!
Come on!
It's OK, it's OK.
Sandy, Sandy, Sandy!
Sandy, Sandy, get up!
Sandy, get up!
Get up, Sandy.
Sandy!
Sandy, please!
Please!
Please!
We don't need that sound.
We don't need that sound.
It doesn't matter.
We're going home.
You're in my home.
You're in my home.
Great.
That sounds awesome.
What did you hit me for?
I was for being a bad guy, did I?
Tell you who, isn't it, yet?
The C.
You hear that, the C?
You can't even kill anyone!
Except for Dad, obviously.
There was once two girls.
A brother and a sister who lived in a nest
way out in the sea.
One day, my girls met a wizard from a land
far away.
The wizard had magic powers and he wanted
to take them back.
The brother and sister were terrible
feared.
After all, they'd never left their nest in
the sea.
But what kind of girls would they be if
they didn't take flight?
The new land was odd and full of wonder.
The girls didn't know from from back.
But the wizard was true to his word.
He found a new nest where they could
always see the sea.
The new nest wasn't bad.
It was needing a few new tricks.
The wizard kept his job in a wizard
council.
His evil wizard co-workers were punished
in an office.
Serious wizard tribunal led by a wizard
HR.
And the brother found out that not only
was he a gull, he was also a bear.
The sister told her tales of gulls and fin
men.
Folk came from miles around to hear her.
The sea remembers, the sea remembers
everything.
They said her tales were like no others.
And the wizard T shared his stories too.
Even though his stories were in fact
stolen from other more gifted wizards.
That's odd.
I think they must have found my notebooks
or something.
There were times when the sister would
miss her nest back in the sea.
So she'd fly back to feel the sand on her
feet, and the air under her wings.
But much of it pleased her.
There wasn't a home anymore.
Once again, Orchyle belonged to the birds.
Besides, the brother and sister had a new
nest now, full of smiles.
Maybe too many smiles.
May laud her smile a lot.
And when her face was tired from all the
smiling, the sister would take her leave.
She could do that now.
She could fly whatever she pleased.
There was once an island far out in the
sea, and on this island there lived two
gulls, a brother and a sister.
When they were wee, they were told,
defend the isle, allow no incomer, survive.
You might think it
hard living on an isle all
by yourself, that it
does weird things to you.
All that time cooped
up wee, nothing but wind
and birds and only your
brother for company.
But you'd be wrong.
They weren't odd.
They were very normal.
Oh cakes.
Good morning, isle.
And then I ripped him open.
And then, here, this is insides for all
tasty treats, like oakes and scones and
herring, but special herring that's better
than normal herring.
I tell you, I had a rare feast.
Are you feeling lonesome again?
Hello.
Toiling there puffin.
You know, there's plenty of food in here.
I'm fine, Mr Finnman.
You don't look fine.
You look like you're starving.
I've a rare feast for you right beneath
the surface.
Come on in and I'll show you.
You won't die, I promise.
No.
Oh, please.
If you would, thank you very much.
I'm telling you, puffin, you must come in.
There's so much food down here and there's
loads of people eating it all up.
What people?
Who's doing there?
Who's not doing here?
There's so many people.
Think of a lot of people.
There's more than that.
Come in the water.
Look, I found a thing.
Some mainland tool.
I like it.
Makes me feel like a big man.
Careful.
It could be dangerous.
It's not.
Wow.
Right.
That's settled.
We burn it like the rest.
But I want it.
It's no for us.
It's for mainland folk.
Away with you.
I could go for some whale blood right now.
Finished at last winter.
You know that.
How am I supposed to keep my fat when I'm
eating like a wee sparrow?
Away with you.
Fine.
I'm a shadow of a man.
Mind what Dad said.
I'm hungry.
My teeth hurt.
My tummy's all funny.
Takes me an age to pass my bottom mess.
It used to be my bottom mess flowed like a
summer breeze.
Now my bottom mess won't budge.
Well, we weather the storms up lower way.
Just like Dad taught us.
Stupid.
I don't think you're so clever,
but you're not, yes.
Do you think I can't hear you cursing me?
You took my thing.
It was bendy, and I liked it.
And it was mine.
Enough!
No!
Do
you want a story?
Hi.
This island wasn't always yours.
It once belonged to the gulls.
Scores of seabirds soaring over the waves,
carried by the wind to our ock vile.
That's where we live.
Yeah.
Let me tell you, when that many gulls come
together, they make quite a sound.
What a din the birds made.
It's screeching, squawking.
All of them beckering over who's dole,
who's fish.
You know, bird stuff.
Then, one night, a great storm brewed.
Many birds died that night.
Then, something magic happened,
where once there were families of birds,
now there were folk, lads and lassies.
They settled here.
But there were no alone.
Ships from far off lands would pass,
big ships full of encumbers.
The encumbers spun tricks and tails of a
mainland.
A shiny world full of tasty cakes and
comfy chairs and lice.
Off he tipped in for some.
Just one family stayed on ock vile.
One family weathered the pool of the
mainland.
One family stayed true to...
...encumbers.
Hello.
I am Daniel.
Hello.
I am a land recovery coordinator for the
Northeastern Scottish Council.
Under subsection three of the Ireland
Tenancy Act of 1986, you are hereby
informed of your impending eviction.
You will be immediately relocated to the
mainland.
If you have questions you can email
evictions at highland.gov.uk.
I'll give you some time to pack your
things.
Have you got wi-fi?
Hello.
And so say all of us.
Would you like a bit, Daniel?
What is it?
It's cake.
No, thanks.
I'm alright.
Thank you.
I hope you're happy.
I hope you're pleased with yourself.
Well, I hope one day you know what it's
like.
I hope you're sitting all comfy watching
Masterchef and then someone kicks down
your door and drags you out of your house
and then you're homeless on the mean
streets in the rain watching a tramp do a
big steaming job.
As I say, you must vacate the premises in
ten days.
And I'm sorry, but... God.
Danny, Danny, Danny, Danny, Dan,
Dan.
Morning, Roz.
May I?
Yes.
Oh.
Hello.
It's Cosmic Mage.
What's that?
Oh, Danny boy.
You have funny me onion, aren't you?
OK then.
Sit up here in the corner, lean with all
your toys, just itching your red bits.
I have eczema.
Do you, though?
Yes.
We all have eczema, you know.
In a way, though, don't we?
Not really, no.
Anyway, it seems that we
have an uninhabited island
in our jurisdiction that
is in actual fact inhabited.
So, under subsection,
blah, blah, blah, we want
them gone, and I want
you to serve the notice.
Doorstep evictions are usually Calum's
thing.
Calum?
Yeah.
Well, he's under an internal investigation
due to the fact that he dislocated the hip
of a pensioner during his last inspection.
So, over to you.
Right.
Um... OK, so I
don't do face-to-face.
Oh.
Danny.
Danny, Danny, Dan.
You do what I say.
Or you could seek alternative
employment because
you're not finding this
position stimulating enough.
No, no, no.
I love my job.
Yeah.
Every day here's a gift.
Well, then, pack your bags.
And listen, you.
Stop worrying.
No, it'll be good for you.
Get out there, meet new people.
Oh!
Come to steal an island, have you?
No, we want to relocate you.
Oh, God!
You admitted it, mainland thief!
No, not me.
The council, they want you.
If I don't, I shouldn't be here.
Maya, steal the hats or I'll have you in!
You will never take our hats!
Well, I'm confused.
So, are we hiding them in the sea?
No, no!
Listen, I swear, I will not come back.
I could always bash his brains in.
No, listen, the boat, the boat.
They're coming back.
They're expecting a call.
It's not up to me.
The council, if they want you gone,
you just, you kind of have to go.
Or what?
What they'll do, like, legal stuff.
Legal stuff?
Mm.
Like, laws and
paperwork and... Paper?
What is this paper?
And we've got weapons of stone and bone.
Far back, as time goes, our family's
called this island.
And if your council wants to take it from
us, they are going to activate us.
And we will drown in incomer blood before
we surrender.
Did you see that sparely missed?
Keep away from him.
Whoa!
No, no, no!
Shh!
No, please!
Smelling poison.
It's just... body spray.
What have you been here?
You and your... Sister.
Near...
30 winters.
What about your parents?
Gone.
When we were wee.
You've been alone on this island for 30
years.
Mm-hmm.
Whoa!
Sorry, it's just a toothbrush.
It's just a cleat in your teeth.
Yeah.
It's got three intensity settings.
You can have it.
If you want.
You just... put
down timing first.
He's off his shift, eh, Mr Finnman?
He's full of...
lofty words and...
quirks of manners.
There's a crab down here.
I should kill him.
Oh, what a lovely treat.
I've never seen such a big,
beautiful crab that you could
eat, Ayla, if you were in
the sea with me right now.
Look at me.
More would come.
Curse this fiddly riddle.
He's got a hat on.
The crab is a wee hat.
Ayla, you have to see this.
Quick, come in the water.
Hoi the encumber into the sea and be done
with it.
And if more come, hoi them into the sea,
too.
There's nearly a
trouble that cannot be
solved by hoiing a
living person into the sea.
You know, Feyenwell, why we keep the
encumbers away.
You want to end up like your mother?
Sandy!
What are you doing?
Nothing.
Just in a cave.
What's that you've got?
Nothing.
I've not even got anything.
What's that on your face?
It's, um, milk.
We've no corny cows.
It's milk from a seal.
A milk to seal?
Hi.
How'd you manage that?
Well, I lured him in with a fish,
and then I asked him for some milk and he
was an extremely milky seal because it's
actually a sad story.
He had children but they died,
so he had nowhere to shoot his milk,
so he just shot it into my mouth.
Sandy,
where did you get that?
We should have killed you when we had the
chance.
You said you were going to tie yourself
back up, you sneaky man of your eyes.
No, no, I'll stop.
I'm a wizard.
A what?
You know, a wizard?
I know I don't look like a
wizard, but there's no rules to
what wizards can look like,
and I know because I am one.
I'm a wizard.
Kill the wizard.
No, I've got magic powers.
My magic wizard form.
That's not magic.
No, it is.
See?
See?
I have your souls.
And if you don't leave me alone right now,
I will delete your souls.
Sandy!
Come
on.
Yes!
Yes!
No!
No!
Come on!
No, you stay back.
No, don't.
I didn't... Don't, please.
Don't come.
Please, don't.
Please, don't.
Oh, God.
What's wrong?
My blood sugar's low.
It's just a banana.
No.
My mouth is alive!
Done.
Mmm.
Am I really the first visitor you've had
from the mainland?
The first to linger.
Here.
Would you like me to show you a boot?
Come on.
This is the bog.
This is the spiky grass.
This is a rusty thing.
This is where I killed my first sea beast.
This is a spooky door.
I don't go in because it's very spooky.
This is my special area.
I come here to...
think, throw rocks, shout to the sea.
Whatever I want, really.
It's my secret special area.
You shout to the sea.
Hey!
The sea!
This is my friend Daniel!
You know, one time, I found a dead seal
over there, all rotten and full of maggots.
So, I put one of Isla's nighties on it and
I put it in her bed.
Just as a wee joke.
Oh.
What a scare she had.
She hit me in the head with a log and I
was bleeding and you could see the bone
and sometimes I can't feel my hands.
It was a right laugh.
That's nice.
I think your face is nice.
I like looking at it.
What's all this?
Isla, we were just...
Enough from you!
I was just... Waiter!
And you?
You're no wizard.
Of course I'm not.
Aha!
Ha!
Devious lion devil slot.
Okay, you both need to leave.
I mean, look at you.
You're running about with clubs.
You're wearing rags.
He's shouting at the sea.
Back on the mainland, you wouldn't have to
do any of that.
Your lives would be easier.
They'd be healthier.
Come with me.
We'll set you up in a lovely new house.
It'll be great.
I've had enough.
Are your tricks some lies?
Let's finish this.
No!
I like Daniel.
I like his hair.
And his hands.
They're soft and damp like mornin' moss.
So, that's enough.
Come back from the edge.
Daniel can't leave.
And if he does, then...
Then I will bash my own head in with this
rock and tell him deed.
All right, go on then.
Oh!
No!
Daniel!
You can swim!
Let's give her thanks.
Clara!
Right, have your fill.
Do you know like Gal?
Um, I'm vegan.
Right.
And what is that?
I don't believe in eating meat.
That's real.
That's right there.
Look.
No, I believe it exists.
I just don't believe in eating meat.
Do you believe in fish?
Of course.
I just don't eat them.
What about puffins?
Do you believe in puffins?
Yes.
They're real.
I've seen them.
I bit the head off a puffin once,
so how could I do that if it wasn't real?
To be clear, I do believe in all of the
animals.
I just don't believe in eating any of
them.
If you don't eat meat, how do you keep
your health?
Well, there's more variety on the
mainland.
There's fruit, vegetables, potato
croquettes.
So you don't get bored of the same stuff,
you know?
Speak more about variety, Daniel.
Okay, well, variety is one of the many
advantages of mainland life.
You can have whatever you want,
like avocados.
What's avocados?
Oh, man, they taste great, and they're
good for you, too.
They make you strong.
Oh, where are they found?
I think they're grown on, like,
bushes or something.
Oh, so you don't know?
I do know where they come from.
I just don't...
I think it's, like, Brazil or something.
Because we know where this bird came from.
We pulled it from the sky.
Yeah, but it doesn't matter where avocados
come from, because you can just buy them
from the shop or order them online.
What's online?
Oh, God.
Um... Right.
Online is the Internet.
Anything you want at the touch of a
button.
I want that!
No, we have enough.
How does an Internet work?
How's it work?
Well... Sounds like you
don't know that, either.
Sounds like you don't know much about
anything.
I do know it's, like, beamed
out via Wi-Fi and stuff,
so in a way, yes, the
Internet's all around us.
Right?
What if we get caught in it?
No, we already have an Internet.
Do we?
Mm-hmm.
Yep.
It's massive.
It's bigger than the mainland one.
Really?
Yeah.
The Internet that we have, it's so big,
you can fit 100 potato crows.
It's potato croquettes.
We don't have an Internet.
You're lying, Ayla.
I'm not!
You're lying, because Daniel knows things
that you don't.
Jesus Christ.
They're not stronger than we.
I would be if we had avocados!
You might think our kale belongs only to
us, but you'd be wrong.
This island, in the sea, in the bit,
belongs to someone else.
Who belongs to the Fin men?
Sandy.
Spoilers.
I'm sorry.
Fin men are murky folk, big soggy
brothers, known to steal lost seafarers
dune into the deep.
Long ago, fishermen from our rock isle
were visited by a fin man.
The fishermen were so feared they burned
their pants.
The fin man said this was their island.
And if the men wished to stay,
then they had to pay a price.
An islander had to give themselves to the
sea, to the fin men.
The islanders thought long and hard.
There was much frowning.
Then a village elder offered himself up so
that his kin might remain.
He was old and he was going to die anyway,
so it wasn't that sad.
They dragged him into the gloom where he
remained.
But thanks to his sacrifice, the islanders
could stay here.
Poor dad gave himself to the fin folk.
Shh!
But he did.
He gave himself to the sea so that we
could stay.
It's your business, Sandy.
Why do you tell us a mainland story,
Daniel?
She doesn't have any stories.
Except for the story where
there was a wizard which
was a lie saying he was a
wizard when he wasn't he.
I do know a story.
What, your own story?
Yeah.
It's about a wee guy called Frodo.
And a very powerful application form.
The one form to rule them all.
And so Frodo, right, he has to go on an
epic quest to the heart of Mordor Borough
Council to destroy it.
And I call this tale the Lord of the local
authority.
Sounds stupid.
Gandalf, right?
Bad-ass wizard and senior policy advisor.
He's up on the roof of Head Office and
it's the showdown.
The big fiery devil thing.
The Balrog Head of Finance.
Yes, he's trying to get into the building
to kill all the fellowship.
Gandalf's like, no chance, mate.
There's a line of a sand.
Balrog's like, I'm coming for him.
He's like, no, you're not.
Gandalf goes, stop it!
Boom!
He goes, you shall not pass!
Everyone's like, oh, my God!
And it's so epic and amazing, right?
That the fiery devil thing, he sort of
falls off the roof and everyone goes, oh!
Gandalf goes, yes!
And then the big fiery devil thing,
his fiery whip comes up, right?
It lashes Gandalf's leg and it pulls him
off the roof too!
No!
Yes!
Yes!
Then what happens?
You'll have to wait for part two.
And you wrote this story yourself?
Yes.
I did, yes, yes, all by myself.
It's the best story I've ever,
ever heard in the history of stories.
You know there's more stories just like
that on the mainland.
Right.
That's enough stories for tonight.
Aw.
Time for bed.
It's all right, we can...
we can do more tomorrow.
Good night, Daniel.
You shall not pass!
Better get back to the shed where I sleep.
In the cold.
And damp.
You can sleep here.
Just for tonight.
Do you have more stories then?
Oh.
Yeah.
I suppose.
Did you like my story?
I did.
Ah, it's a good one.
It's likely better than yours.
Thanks for the bed.
I will.
Don't touch your things alone,
where do you?
Okay.
We'll bash your head in and we'll cover
your nose and mouth with our hands and
then we'll maybe bury
it to your neck and then
you'll kick your head off
and we'll make you eat it.
Good night.
Night.
Oh, the lamp.
Oh.
Thank you for coming in so late.
I didn't drag you away from anything
important.
I was eating some corned beef but I
finished it on the bike right over.
Very good.
Now, I need you to go to Och Island.
It seems that Daniel has got himself into
a wee bit of bother.
I thought I was to stay in the office on
account of the investigation.
No, you don't.
Sorry about all of that.
No, the fact of the matter is these
islanders do not belong there.
And, um...
Yeah, it doesn't look good.
Especially with the chief
executive who is due to retire
soon, leaving the position
open for the right person.
We don't want any loose ends now,
do we?
No, ma'am.
We do not.
Remove those islanders.
Do whatever it takes.
Get them off.
I'll get them off, all right?
I'll get them off.
Real hard.
Daniel of Mainland!
You have been chosen!
We, the girls of Och Isle
who soar the cliffs and hunt the
waves challenge you to our
most ancient and secret tradition.
The way of the girl!
Aye, the way!
A thing we've always done and haven't just
made up this morning.
These tasks will test your skill,
strength and cunning.
You will sweat.
You will bleed.
You will be naked.
What?
No, you won't be naked.
You will have no trousers.
You will have trousers, Sandy.
You might have trousers.
If you can weather the storm,
then and only then will you
earn the right to call
yourself a true girl of Och Isle.
And after, you can tell us more stories.
So, Daniel of Mainland, will you take the
way of the girl?
No.
Oh, what?
Do you know what?
This is absurd.
I want no part of it.
Oh, please!
Daniel!
We just...
We think you're really great and we want
to make you one of us.
No, no!
He has to do the way first.
You can't just make him a girl.
It's not how it works.
Shut up, Isla!
You shut up!
Please, Daniel.
Then we can all be friends.
Daniel of Mainland, if you're to prove
yourself a true girl of Och Isle,
you must ride the wind like one.
What's she doing?
Oh, God.
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Yeah, I'm not doing that.
Aw, go on!
No, I'm not doing that.
Sorry, I'm not.
It's just I've got... heights.
I can't... I can't do that.
Sorry, I'm not... I can't.
You can, Daniel.
You made this for me?
You're now a girl of Och Isle.
Sam looks at Frodo, and he says,
I can't carry the form, Mr Frodo,
but I can carry you.
Sam loves Frodo so much.
He does.
So Sam hikes Frodo up on his shoulders,
and he humps him up 15 flights of stairs.
There's no air con.
But together, they cast the form into the
paper shredder.
And with one final beeping jam,
booo, dooo, dooo, dooo, lot of paper,
dooo, dooo, dooo.
It's done.
Lord of the local authorities,
and I'll be good stony.
I thought I must ask you to tell to them
all the time.
Don't really tell stories on the mainland.
But... the mainlanders, they must
adore you for your word weaving.
I don't know.
I think some people
think I'm a bit of a
weirdo, just because
of all the wizard stuff.
Just keep myself to myself.
For these folk, they treat you harshly.
We could kill them.
We'd just round them up, crack their
skulls.
Sandy could pull off their arms and legs.
I would do that for you, Daniel.
Thank you.
My mainlanders don't sound very nice.
Well, but it wouldn't be that way for you.
You can weave all your nice words about
the mainland, but you've yet to tell us
one thing that's better than what we have
here.
What are you doing?
I'm teaching you how to swim.
Come on.
I'll show you.
No, I've decided...
No, no.
I've decided no.
Yeah.
Ready?
Okay, one, two, three.
Was that first?
I did it.
I did it.
Rocky, Rocky, Rocky.
What's up?
What's going on?
You all right?
God, stop.
Rocky, what's going on?
It's time to go home.
I'm going to run to the...
See if you can catch me, Daniel.
I didn't say anything.
Aye, weird eyes are saying things,
looking at me full of questions.
It's just my eyes, I think.
Now, if you're loud.
My eyes are loud.
Aye, keep the noise down.
Okay.
Wow.
My mum called them...
the merry dancers.
No fairy folk.
And she said that if you're lucky,
you can catch them down here, lighting up
the dark with their glow.
What happened to your mum?
She died.
Sorry.
How did it happen?
In England.
But she's...
she's up there now.
You're the dancers.
Must have been hard.
Being left so young just you and Sandy.
I like your... your stories.
I also like your stories so I'll write
back at you.
Oh, no!
No, no!
Your face!
You just came at me!
Oh, God.
It's leading discussion.
Why would your face come at me that fast?
I was trying to kiss you.
I was trying to kiss you.
Oh, shut up!
Daniel!
Salaries.
Hello?
Daniel?
I told you to shut up!
Sandy, you know you're not to be sneaking
about my shed!
Submit!
In the name of the Northeast Sun Scottish
Council!
Get off me, my man!
Morning, my wee sleepy man.
Is that yourself, Doon?
I'll fix you some breakfast.
Big boy.
Don't eat up.
You'll need your strength.
Why will I need my...
Eila, why will I need my strength?
Morning!
I'm taking Daniel out today.
Lovely.
Where are we off to?
No, it's just me and Daniel.
And me, Sandy.
No, you're not coming!
Till later.
At all.
What am I doing?
Whatever you want, but I'm spending time
with Daniel.
I want to spend time with Daniel.
Are we spending time with me?
I can spend time with both of you.
No, you can't!
OK.
Hold on.
Is your spending time together without me?
What are you going to do?
None of your business.
Oh, no, no, no, I don't like this at all.
You'll be fine.
Go through rocks, hatch some birds or sing
a song.
You don't need us to keep you busy.
Come on.
Go in.
Bye.
If you hate this job, why do you do it?
I don't hate it.
You... No, sometimes when I
feel like I'm actually helping people.
You know?
Well, it seems awfully daft to be...
spend your life feeling miserable.
Well, you're pretty wise for someone who
dresses up as a bard.
Do you have a woman?
What?
You've wandered into the mason,
haven't you?
Jesus Christ.
What's wrong with these bards?
They think we're after the eggs.
But I'm feeding them.
Stop.
I've got to stop.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Oh, God.
It's just through half the next season's
crop, are we?
No, no, I'm glad you're dead.
It was getting a bit of hitchcock back
there.
I bet what?
Hitchcock.
Hitchcock.
I like your words.
They make me feel like...
there's... sunshine in my bones.
Oh.
Thanks.
I like the way that you've survived on an
island for 30 years.
Wait, wait.
Why did you stop?
What's that?
Is there anybody there?
Oh, that's just another incoming.
What?
Really?
Yeah.
I caught him last night.
He tried to attack me, so I just cracked
his skull and tied him up.
What are you going to do with him?
I can't just free him because he'll bring
more.
He could just let him starve.
Oh, speaking of starving, Sandy'll need
his afternoon snack.
Come on.
That's me.
Callum?
Daniel, why are you...
What happened?
There's a crowbar in that bag.
Get up for that urine.
Oh, God.
Got urine?
Urine can stave off dehydration in
survival situations.
You can't have been here that long.
What?
I'm just supposed to wait until Daniel
thirsts for a drink.
Oh, urine?
Is that to Daniel?
That seems like the only time you should
do that.
Yes.
Crowbar!
Right.
Come on!
Hang on.
You arrived here yesterday.
Did you bring this urine with you?
I had to fill them whilst it was hydrated.
Didn't I?
If I worked on dehydrated, I wouldn't have
the fluids to fill them with.
So I filled them up at home and brought
the urine with me.
What's the problem, Daniel?
Why didn't you just bring water?
So this is a sensitive situation.
You see, I've made some pretty good
inroads with the tenants.
Oh, Daniel.
Oh, no.
You want them to get into your head,
haven't you?
Right.
You sit tight, OK?
I'll be back in good time.
Oh, he's passed me some urine!
Bye, now.
What are you doing?
I'm making myself look nice.
You look like an idiot.
I don't have time for this.
Daniel and I are having a romance.
No, you're not.
We are.
I touched his face and I rubbed myself on
him, and it was beautiful.
I rubbed myself on Daniel, too,
when we did the trials.
Yeah, well, that's not real romance,
is it?
When I rubbed myself on him, we liked it.
Daniel gave me a banana.
Did he give you a banana?
It's my romance!
Not yours.
I finally got something for me, and
the best thing is it doesn't involve you.
Yeah.
I don't like you being like this.
Well, I'm tired of hearing about what you
like.
30 years, I've done everything for you.
Well, now it's time for me to have what I
want, and I want a life with Daniel,
and I don't want you to be a part of it.
Come
on.
So, um...
We just need to have quick shots.
So, look at him.
I took a bit of a stroll.
You look lovely.
I know.
These are some bottles, I think.
We used to burn everything
that was washed up on
shore, but I was just
curious about what it all was.
I mean, this, like...
Jesus Christ.
Yeah, I think it's a weapon.
I wouldn't touch that.
Stretchy.
What's that?
Oh, that's my mum's old stuff.
Is it her?
Mm-hmm.
It's used for my mainland.
It used to go back from time to time.
My dad didn't like it.
How did she die?
She was poorly.
She said to dad that she had to go back to
the mainland for help.
He didn't want her to leave.
But I got worse.
And she went away and we never saw her
again.
Dad said if she hadn't left the island,
she'd probably still be alive.
And he burnt her boat that night, and
then the next morning we started training.
Guard the Isle, allow no income or...
survive.
We should probably talk about the guy
you've got tied to a radiator.
Let's get married.
What?
It's quite suitable.
You're an islander now.
And we can start a family and we can tell
stories here forever.
I don't know, Kyle.
You want me to stay here?
All right.
I don't bear you 12 children.
12?
We're bound to lose some of them to
starvation or wind.
And then a seal could get baby while we
slept and Sandy'll probably kill them.
Mm-hmm.
You can't stay here.
Why?
Because you should come to the mainland
with me.
You'd love it.
There's so much there for you.
There's so much more.
There's more people that you can imagine.
They've got more stories than you could
ever hope to hear.
And you could even...
you could tell your stories.
And they're brilliant.
People would love them.
People would love you.
Trust me, people would love you.
You could...
you'd be...
you'd be happy there.
Are you happy?
On the mainland.
Mm-hmm.
Well, are you?
Yes.
I come in here to my
mystery hut, a place of wonder
and questions and curious
beauty, and you just...
you spill your lies all over the floor,
like spoiled oats.
Eila, you can't just live on
an island forever telling stories
and violently assaulting
anyone who washes up on shore.
Get out!
Out!
There is no place for you here when you're
rotten oat lies.
Stupid dino.
Stupid warts.
Everything he says is stupid.
You will smash your skull with a birthday!
Rose, send the evil crew.
Sandy, what's wrong?
I love you, but you don't love me.
You love Eila.
Nobody loves Sandy, and I don't want to be
alone, so I've decided that the best thing
for me to do is to squeeze a life out of
you and eat your dead body.
What?
Then you'll be a part of me forever,
and Eila won't have you for herself.
No, no, no, Sandy, wait, wait.
It's okay, it's okay.
I've never eaten a person
before, but I'm fairly sure I'll
be able to hear your thoughts,
so you won't be lonely.
Sandy, I said no, no!
It's okay.
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Just relax.
We'll be together soon.
Soon
you'll experience the might of an
off-eastern Scottish council.
What happened?
Who was that?
Another incomer.
I tied him up.
Hold on.
You had another incomer in here all to
yourself.
Were you romancing him as well?
Sandy.
It wasn't like that.
Wait, wait, Sandy, the incomer.
He's bringing more to come in.
Sandy!
He tried to kill me.
Eila.
He tried to kill me.
The sooner you both get off this island,
the better.
All right, where you go?
Back to the mainland where you'd all
sadden alone.
And I'm not leaving!
My mum died because she went there!
Well, she died because she stayed here.
Maybe if your mum was able to get help
sooner, she might have lived.
No.
No, she wouldn't because...
because my dad said...
No, your dad was mental!
People don't give themselves to the sea.
I'm sorry, Eila, but I don't think he told
you the truth about a lot of things.
That's it.
There you go.
Maybe I'll be a bit cold at first,
but I'll pass.
Soon, you'll be all warm and comfy.
No need to worry about food or sandy or in
colours taking your eye on.
It's what your father would have wanted.
What about what I wanted?
Because maybe I didn't want to stay here.
Maybe I wanted my dad.
You know the deal, Puffin.
Every generation, one of you must give
yourselves to the sea.
To me.
But that's not true.
Is it?
That's just a story.
You cannae hide, Fethys.
One day you will step in the water just
like your father did.
You owe me.
And you'll pay the price.
You must pay the price.
I know you're upset with me.
I think I've been...
hearing the wrong stories.
I've been listening to the incomer with
his shiny words.
Coming to his stupid kissy lips.
And I've... I've forgotten this.
Kept us safe.
I'm so lonely.
I was being stupid.
I was being stupid as well.
I tried to murder Daniel so I could eat
his body and hear his thoughts.
I don't know if I do really love him.
I think I just want to look at his bum.
Here.
Be careful, will you?
Hey, Dan.
Where are your clothes?
Well, this is, uh...
Dad's go-kart life.
Hey, Roz.
Just take me to the squatters.
Maybe we should talk about...
Because I know I feel a lot of them.
Don't have to spoil them up.
What about Daniel?
He's just another newcomer.
I sat on ambush.
When she'd come to an ambush, my guard was
off.
Anyway, I sat a second ambush.
Missed him the ambush was successful.
See, ambushes are like anything else.
The more you ambush, the better you get.
Is that person dressed as a bird?
That is one of the island residents,
yes.
Okay.
No, no, wait.
No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
This is their home.
These are illegal tenants
that will be removed from this
island if we have to drag them
off squawking by their wings.
With respect, Roz, you have a duty of care
to...
I don't know why I was then consenting
you.
You are an itchy re-man with weak,
noodley muscles.
I don't see what my appearance is.
If you're not going to help us,
then move us out.
Oh, that's nice.
Yeah.
I made it myself.
It's pretty easy when you know how.
All you need is a bathtub and something to
infuse.
Hmm.
I can make chicken wing sausage,
beef stroganoff, beef bolognese, and.
..
Hello?
Over here!
Who's that?
It's me, a tiny man.
Kev, is that you?
You're supposed to be checking the hoose.
It's not Kev.
It's a tiny man.
And I've got bananas.
Tom, you all right?
Tom.
Tom.
Kev!
Don't touch my sister!
What the hell are you doing?
Stay inside.
Daniel.
What the hell are you wearing?
Oh.
It's from the Trials of the Girl.
It's an ancient initiation ceremony.
Oh, shut up!
I am embarrassed for you.
I'm actually... I'm embarrassed for all of
us.
I mean, whatever
this is, it's... it's weird.
No.
I've spent years thinking I'm weird.
Because I like wizards.
And writing my own fan fiction about a bunch
of hobbits who must defeat the Predator.
That is weird.
They're wildly different franchises.
Actually, you know, because
technically Middle Earth
is our prehistory, so
it's all the same universe.
And anyway, you know what?
I don't care what you think.
I don't care what any of you think.
Maybe I'm weird.
But who cares, right?
Come on.
We're all weird.
I'm all weird.
You're so weird.
You brought four gallons of your own piss
to this island.
It's a recognised survival technique.
Can we all just stop being mental and just
move aside, Daniel?
I will not move aside.
We have a job to do.
And that job is to serve our constituents.
I started working for the council because
I wanted to help people.
But... I just seem to spend all
my time making their lives worse.
This is for their own good.
Is it?
Uh-huh.
If you ask any of them what they want,
or are they just problems to be solved and
you're way up the ladder, your approach to
this is wrong.
And I'm pretty sure your superiors would
agree with me when I'd to share with them
the fact that you sent a currently
suspended employee who is out of his
bloody mind to attack your constituents.
Now, I'm going to that house.
And all of you will wait here until I
return.
We're not leaving.
OK.
What do you mean, OK?
I mean...
if you decide that you want to stay,
then I'll stand by you.
But is that what you want, Isla?
The mainland...
it's not perfect.
I can tell you what to do.
But please don't decide,
because you're scared
of all the bad things
that might happen.
Choose...
because of all the good things that could
happen.
It's all right.
Isla, since Dad left, you've hardly smiled
even one time.
But since Daniel came, I've seen you do at
least four smiles.
I want you to be happy.
Both of you.
But we can't all stay together,
because we haven't paid the price.
So...
I know what I have to do.
Sandy!
Come on!
Come on.
Come on!
Come on!
Come on!
Come on!
It's OK, it's OK.
Sandy, Sandy, Sandy!
Sandy, Sandy, get up!
Sandy, get up!
Get up, Sandy.
Sandy!
Sandy, please!
Please!
Please!
We don't need that sound.
We don't need that sound.
It doesn't matter.
We're going home.
You're in my home.
You're in my home.
Great.
That sounds awesome.
What did you hit me for?
I was for being a bad guy, did I?
Tell you who, isn't it, yet?
The C.
You hear that, the C?
You can't even kill anyone!
Except for Dad, obviously.
There was once two girls.
A brother and a sister who lived in a nest
way out in the sea.
One day, my girls met a wizard from a land
far away.
The wizard had magic powers and he wanted
to take them back.
The brother and sister were terrible
feared.
After all, they'd never left their nest in
the sea.
But what kind of girls would they be if
they didn't take flight?
The new land was odd and full of wonder.
The girls didn't know from from back.
But the wizard was true to his word.
He found a new nest where they could
always see the sea.
The new nest wasn't bad.
It was needing a few new tricks.
The wizard kept his job in a wizard
council.
His evil wizard co-workers were punished
in an office.
Serious wizard tribunal led by a wizard
HR.
And the brother found out that not only
was he a gull, he was also a bear.
The sister told her tales of gulls and fin
men.
Folk came from miles around to hear her.
The sea remembers, the sea remembers
everything.
They said her tales were like no others.
And the wizard T shared his stories too.
Even though his stories were in fact
stolen from other more gifted wizards.
That's odd.
I think they must have found my notebooks
or something.
There were times when the sister would
miss her nest back in the sea.
So she'd fly back to feel the sand on her
feet, and the air under her wings.
But much of it pleased her.
There wasn't a home anymore.
Once again, Orchyle belonged to the birds.
Besides, the brother and sister had a new
nest now, full of smiles.
Maybe too many smiles.
May laud her smile a lot.
And when her face was tired from all the
smiling, the sister would take her leave.
She could do that now.
She could fly whatever she pleased.