The Incredible Burt Wonderstone (2013) Movie Script

I'm gonna kill you, Weinselstein!
BULLY: Twerp.
- Unh!
Why you running away, Weinselstein?
I got you a birthday present.
That's okay.
You didn't have to get anything.
I got you some bark.
And you're gonna eat it.
- Cool. I was gonna eat bark anyway.
- No, you weren't.
Yeah. See? All the things you were gonna do
to me, I was already planning on doing.
Mm. Mm, so good.
Yummy. Unh!
- You planning on not being able to breathe?
- Yes.
Listen to me, Weinselstein.
Nobody likes you.
Nobody will ever like you.
Do you understand that?
Come on. Let's split.
Goodbye, loser.
Mom? I'm home.
Happy birthday, little man.
I had to work a double shift again,
but I love you very much. Mom.
P.S. Dinner is in the fridge, and I got you
your favorite cake. It's on the counter.
Combine the mix with two tablespoons
of oil and two eggs.
We're out of eggs,
so you'll need to run out and get them.
Preheat the oven to 350...
... grease and flour a 9" x 13" cake pan
and then pour the batter into the pan.
Careful not to spill.
Hello, my young friends.
I'm Rance Holloway.
You've probably seen me
on The Merv Griffin Show...
... or live onstage...
... at the fabulous Stardust Resort and Casino
in Las Vegas.
That's where I perform such tricks
as "Skateboarding Ghost"...
..."The Amazing Cordless Telephone"...
... and my very famous
"Mouth Birds" illusion.
Did you like that? Of course you did.
That trick just blew your mind,
because that's what magic does.
It blows people's minds.
Welcome to the amazing world
of magic.
A world where you can astonish
and enchant those around you.
Because everyone loves a magician.
And if you follow my instructions,
they'll love you too.
Let's begin now with a simple illusion...
... where we pull pennies out of our nose.
- How'd you do that?
- A magician never tells his secrets.
- Oh. Okay.
- It's a rubber thumb.
Oh, cool!
- I'm Anthony Mertz.
- Albert Weinselstein.
You're that kid who's always in the
nurse's office, right?
Not always.
Sometimes they send me to the hospital.
What are those for?
This one's for my allergies,
and this one's for my asthma.
And this is testosterone.
My doctor says I'm dangerously close
to being a girl.
Do you know any other tricks?
I have a whole magic kit at home.
An empty top hat. Perfectly normal.
Wow. You're like a boy witch.
Thank you.
Hey. What if you put a plastic bag
of water in the hidden compartment?
Then water would come out
instead of confetti.
- Do you wanna be my partner?
- More than anything.
Okay. I think we should start
writing down our trick ideas.
- Like in a notebook.
An enchanted notebook,
with leather and buckles.
- All I have is a regular notebook.
- That'll work.
So then our first trick
should be "Confetti Out of a Hat."
BURT: Awesome.
- Ta-da.
Incredible. Incredible.
Burt. Burt. I want you to come work for me.
Here, at Bally's.
Ah! Heh.
But I need you to do one thing for me.
I need you to dump Anton.
He's... Well, he's homely.
No offense.
None taken.
I'm sorry, Doug. Anton and I are a team.
Always have been, always will be.
Fair enough. Welcome to Bally's, boys.
Ladies and gentlemen.
The Incredible Burt and Anton!
Abra, abracabadbra
I wanna reach out and grab ya
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm Burt Wonderstone.
And I'm Anton Marvelton.
But, of course, you already knew that.
Abra, abracadabra
I wanna reach out and grab ya
Abra, abracadabra
What you may not know
is that Burt and I...
... have been magical friends and partners
since we were young boys.
We always knew there was something
a little bit different about our friendship.
Remember our games of Hangman, Burt'?
I sure do, Anton. But we didn't play it
quite the way the other kids did.
Ladies and gentlemen,
our beautiful assistant, Nicole.
Hold on, hold on, hold on, Anton.
We're here to do magic, not Nicole.
Right now, it's time for:
- "Hangman."
- "Hangman."
And that's why we call it:
- A magical friendship.
- A magical friendship.
Abra, abracadabra
Night after night after night,
lam in magic hell.
Could you take any more time
making the switch?
- I'm standing under that cloak like an asshole.
- Give me a break.
I've been doing the switch the same way
I've done it for the last 1O years.
You're just impatient.
I am impatient, Anton, because I have
to share a cloak with a sweaty walrus-man.
You just want to get the show over with.
Could we get a towel for him, please?
Dab it down.
- I sweat because I work hard.
- Take my phone!
You think it's easy securing
your safety harness in the dark?
Would you rather I let the noose
just snap your neck off?
Can we do one show
without this bitch-fest?
I'm sorry. Are we hurting your
performance as a walking mannequin?
- That's it. You know what? I qu...
- You quit? You quit?
- I qui... I qui...
BURT: You quit? You quit?
BURT: You quit?
- Ugh! I quit!
- Go get a job at Cirque du So-lame.
- That's the second one this month.
- Not like they're hard to replace.
Case in point. You.
- What? Sorry'?
BURT: Yes.
- What's your name?
- Oh. Jane.
- You know the tricks?
- Yes. You need something?
- Thirty seconds till "The Burt Locker."
- You're Nicole.
Oh, wow. Mr. Wonderstone.
That is a tremendous honor.
I don't think I'm ready to take on that.
I'm not rehearsed.
I would need several years of...
That is not an outfit.
Mr. Marvelton, this may be a bad idea.
- You're gonna be great.
- I'm terrified of crowds.
- Don't worry.
- You have no idea. I have a fear...
Agh, that is tight. Ugh.
- What? She has no ribs.
- Ugh!
You took her hair.
Abra, abracadabra
You know, folks,
when you grow up as a magician...
... the first escape you learn
is generally from a school locker.
The jocks hated us...
... because we always stole
their girlfriends away from them...
... using the power of magic!
- I like the blond.
- Oh, thanks.
- Makes you look cute.
- Thanks.
So I finally got this new bed that I ordered.
Sorry, I'm just trying to concentrate.
Behind you.
It's an octuple king. Biggest bed in Vegas.
Easily sleeps two dozen adults.
If the phone rings and I'm on the other
side of the bed, I can't get to it.
There's no way. Sword.
Ahh! God, that was close.
The point is, it's a huge bed.
And I was wondering,
would you like to see it tonight...
... nakedly?
Oh, I don't think that's a good idea...
- ... since we just started working together...
- Listen, Nicole.
- It's Jane.
- Sword.
I know this is your first show
and it's all very new and fresh and exciting...
... but when you have done this 5000 times...
... you'll find that having sex with me
is the only way...
... to mitigate the miserable drudgery
of your existence.
- My point is this. Let's just have sex.
- It's not gonna happen.
- You a lesbian?
- Is every woman who doesn't sleep with you...
- ... a lesbian?
- Mm, no. I've slept with plenty of lesbians.
Wow. I've worshiped you for 10 years and
you've just made me hate you in 60 seconds.
Hmm. Right there.
Looks like I'm the one
who scored this time, you dumb jock!
Ladies and gentlemen,
our most famous illusion.
- You know where we're going with this one.
- One we call:
- "Man Head/Lady Body."
- "Man Head/Lady Body."
All right, here we go. Here we go.
In order to accomplish
this impossible feat of impossibility...
... we are going to need a female volunteer
from the audience.
Female volunteer.
Let's see who we have.
Anyone? Anyone?
Who will it be for "Man Head/Lady Body"?
Would you care to join me onstage?
How about a round of applause?
I can't believe I'm really making out
with Burt Wonderstone.
This must be the thrill of a lifetime for you.
Your place is so beautiful.
This is not my place.
This is my place.
Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God. It's so beautiful.
BURT: Yes, it is.
MIRANDA: Look at you!
- Look at me.
- Oh, my God, look at your costume!
- Yes, yes.
Oh, my God! There you are!
- And here I am.
- Aw.
Yes. Come with me, please.
Would you do me a kindness
and jump up on the bench, please?
Legs facing that way,
arms as if you're holding a giant pumpkin.
So, Miranda,
what are your hopes and dreams?
Well, I'd really like
to own my own hair salons.
That's great. You're interesting.
Follow me, please.
There will be no biting or scratching,
anything that can leave a mark.
This is a standard release form
acknowledging that you are over 18...
... and that you are willingly consenting
to the sex acts that we are about to commit.
It's a lot of paperwork.
- It's a lot of sex acts.
- Mm.
Oh, my God! It's huge!
Biggest bed in Vegas.
Hey, ahem, Jimbo! Hey, there you go.
Sprinkle the infield there.
You've done such a great job today.
I just want to reward you for your
excellent service with this $100 bill.
You're just gonna turn it
into a $1 bill when I take it.
I don't know where that's coming from.
Who would do that?
That's mean. A $1 bill is a horrible tip.
I'm giving you $100.
Oh, my gosh. You got me again.
Yes, I did. You never learn.
- He never learns.
- Agh.
I'm sorry.
Hey, Jim, I think you've got something
in your pocket.
Thank you, Mr. Marvelton.
Look who's here.
Anton. Lucius Belvedere.
Rick the implausible.
This is a rare treat.
I can't remember the last time
I saw you two together offstage.
We're both busy, that's all.
We see each other every day.
- So how's the show going?
- Not so good. Good.
Pretty good. It's okay.
I'm in the lobby doing the 2 to 2:30 shift.
Wednesdays through...
Well, just Wednesdays.
Plus I'm doing some webisodes.
- Drum up business that way.
- What the hell is a webisode?
Are you being serious? What's a webis...?
It's a show that you do on the Internet.
It's just like being on TV or having a movie
except you don't go through...
... you know, all the hassle
of people seeing it.
What happened to your hand?
Oh, one of my Bengal tigers
has been getting a little bitey lately.
That's why I'm a comedy magician,
not a big cat magician.
I want to kill onstage,
not have some tiger rip my hand...
I don't want to get killed. I want to kill on...
You know what? Just forget it.
- It's tough.
- It is tough.
- It is tough.
- It was funny in my head.
If I spend more than an hour away
from my cats...
... they forget who I am and attack me.
Sounds like my wife and kids.
If, you know, by "wife and kids"
I meant my ferrets.
You know, if I had a wife and kids
and wasn't just home alone.
- What's going on out there?
- Eating Popsicle after Popsicle.
I don't know, we should probably go check it
out. Like, as a group? Bunch of friends?
STEVE: Appreciate it.
You seem like an open-minded crowd.
Things are about to happen here that may
be difficult for many of you to process.
If you're at all squeamish, I encourage you
to take shelter inside the casinos.
Move along.
Or just turn it off.
I'll give you a moment.
You are truly brave.
I only hope you're ready to face the fire!
Get it off! Get off!
He totally nailed you with that fireball, man.
Sorry. Guilty pleasure.
You're a really good sport.
Whatever that means.
- Would you like to help me with a trick?
- Sure.
Now he done it.
Who is this hot mess?
That's Steve Gray, the street magician.
That guy's a magician?
He doesn't even have a costume.
STEVE: Pick a card.
Show it to the crowd and that whole deal.
Now take the marker from your pocket...
... and write your mother's name on that card.
But I don't have a...
Oh, snap!
What's with all the cameras?
Oh, he's shooting his cable show,
Steve Gray: Brain Rapist.
- "Brain Rapist"?
- Yeah.
You live in a bubble or something?
Come on, come on, come on.
Dorothy. His mother's name is Dorothy.
Pretty name.
I'm gonna take Dorothy,
slide her into the center of the deck...
... and put her back in my pocket.
Now punch me in the face.
- What?
- Punch me in the face. Hard as you can.
- I'm not gonna do that.
STEVE: Of course.
Sometimes the roles we're forced
to play in life are difficult to understand.
Like your mother, Dorothy...
... who, for the good of sailors everywhere,
lived the life of a whore.
Whorethy. That's what they called her.
Surrender, Whorethy.
You're not in Kansas anymore, Whorethy.
- No, no, no.
ANTON: Jesus.
- Is that guy a plant?
- That looked like a real punch.
It's okay!
I've already forgiven him.
I provoked him
and awakened his pain body.
That's swelling up pretty quick.
I better let the pressure off.
Ha-ha-ha. Wait.
Feels like there's something in there.
Let me just...
I wonder what this could be.
It's the card!
Oh, that's nuts!
As it was in the beginning...
... so shall it be in the end.
I tried to warn them.
That's it.
That's crazy, man!
Go! Go!
Hello. I haven't seen you around.
I don't believe I have had the pleasure.
We caught your thing out on the street...
... and it was disgusting.
But pretty good.
Good. Bad.
I don't eat from that tree.
Hey, any chance I can get you
to sign something for me?
Oh, well, I don't usually sign autographs,
but I suppose I can make an exception.
It's a release form.
Just in case we caught you in the background.
I don't want to have to pixelate your face.
- Do I need to sign a release form?
- No, I can pixelate your face.
So, anywho,
we have a show over at Bally's...
... and I could get you some comps,
if you'd like to take a look at our act.
We do this one trick, it's a man's head...
I tell you what.
Pretend I'm still here and tell me all about it.
From Chicago, Brain Rapist.
The world record for staring was 24 hours.
But I've been doing it for over three
days now and, frankly, I'm bored.
So I'm gonna spice things up
with a little pepper spray.
Bring it.
Do you see me blinking? I'm not blinking!
For a very long time!
- He's like a god. A god of pepper spray.
Uncomfortable, but in a great way.
Certainly not human.
He broke the record!
Here at Bally's, you'll be pampered
like an enormous baby.
There's a hair dryer and an ironing board
in every room.
And if you like steakhouses...
you'll love Sally's signature steakhouse,
Bally's Steakhouse.
And after dinner, check out
the Incredible Burt & Anton...
... in their own Burt & Anton Theater.
Abra, abracabadbra
I wanna reach out and grab ya
Abra, abracabadbra
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm Burt Wonderstone.
And I'm Anton Marvelton.
But, of course, you already knew that.
In order to achieve this impossible feat
of impossibility...
... we will need a female volunteer
from the audience. Who will that be?
Who will the female volunteer be?
All right.
You're a dude.
Yes, $2 million.
Two point five million.
Okay. I'm sorry about that, guys.
How are you?
I am incredible.
Mm. Wow.
Look how big Judah's gotten.
- Yeah.
- How old is he now?
I don't know.
But I'll tell you what. That kid?
That kid is your biggest fan.
Ah. I love it!
Unfortunately, I'm starting to think
he's your only fan.
Mm. Ha, ha.
- What?
- Your ticket sales suck.
- Well, we have a following.
- You need a younger crowd, okay?
Have you heard of this Steve Gray guy?
Ah. God. Let me tell you about Steve Gray.
All that guys does is mumble and cut himself.
Anybody can do that.
My niece does that. Heh.
Well, he's getting a national following
between the ages of 25 and 45.
They're calling him the future of magic.
Would you like to see his latest stunt?
Mm-mm. All right.
For 12 long days, he's held his urine.
ANNOUNCER: Be there for the final hour
of Steve Gray's incredible stunt.
- Ahh!
ANNOUNCER: "Holding It In."
Is that a fountain over there?
Seriously, could we turn that off?
That's not fair.
Live on Intense TV.
I'm sure this is normal,
but my legs are shutting down.
What is going through your mind right now?
I really have to pee, Richard.
He's made it this far, but will he last?
He should be dead.
Right now, he's got more urine than blood.
ANNOUNCER: So join us this Friday
at 9/8 Central on Intense TV.
A magician? You call that a magician?
You actually enjoy that?
I don't enjoy any of this shit.
All right, Burt...
... this is the brochure
for my new signature hotel, Doug.
This hotel is the same
as all the other hotels.
But I'm going to be charging 70% more
for everything.
Now, do you know why I can do that?
- Because it's shinier?
DOUG: Shut up.
Because it's new.
And people love new.
And when people love something,
it becomes valuable.
So new equals valuable.
Do you understand what I'm saying?
You've been doing the same shit
since I hired you.
You even come onstage
to that same goddamn song.
It's called "Abracadabra."
And it is considered a modern classic.
- It's shit.
- I agree with him, Burt.
There's no reason we couldn't do
something big. Headline-grabbing.
I am not holding my piss!
Steve Gray already did that.
He owns that. He owns it.
You need to do something else,
something fresh.
I suppose I could hold my poop.
I'll have a large meal.
I'll eat some yogurt and granola.
And I'll hold my poop. For 24 hours.
- What is wrong with him?
- "Will Burt poop?"
"Will it happen?"
"Will he crap his pants?"
I think I've got something.
Keep coming.
Now, why do you call it The Hot Box?
Well, the Vegas sun will effectively
turn the Plexiglas box into an oven.
We estimate the interior temperature
may hit 200 degrees.
And you and Burt Wonderstone plan
to stay in the box an entire week?
That's right, reporter. Hello.
Excuse us.
What are you wearing?
My magician's costume
because I am a magician.
The whole point of this is to update our act.
You need to go change.
Now this is Vegas, baby. Look at this crowd.
This is what I'm talking about.
This is awesome.
I wish I could come with you.
You don't want to do that, son.
It's gonna smell like ass in there.
Okay, guys, we're ready for you.
- You're gonna wear that?
- Yes.
It's velvet, Burt. You're gonna die.
Ah. That's better.
Everybody dance now
Ladies and gentlemen, the beautiful Nicole!
Just remember,
all you have to do is nothing.
Come on, let's sweat
Let the rhythm move you
- Sweat
- Sweat
Let the music take control
Come on, let's sweat
Let the music take control
Let the rhythm move you
All right.
I just realized I won't be having sex for a week.
- What are you doing?
- Breathing exercises.
I've been doing them all week.
- You're practicing breathing?
- Yes.
A nice view.
It's smaller than I thought it would be.
Okay, maybe if you'd come
to even one rehearsal...
"Maybe if you'd come to rehearsal."
Maybe you need to rehearse
sitting in a box, Anton. I don't.
- Fine.
- Not this guy.
I can't breathe, I can't breathe!
- Yes, you can! Yes, you can!
- No, it's so small!
Relax. It's only been 20 minutes.
BURT: Don't touch me!
ANTON: Okay.
We're just having fun!
Burt! Stop it!
Please, just calm down.
- Burt, you're going to break the box.
- No, you're gonna break the box!
Help us!
Help me. Help me.
- Burt!
- Help me, I'm slipping! Aah!
This is the best trick ever!
Hold on, Burt! Breathe, Burt!
- Don't panic!
- Shut up!
Lower the crane!
ANTON: What are you doing? No!
BURT: Climbing!
Hey, not there!
You're killing me!
Hurry up! Unh!
No, Bum!
Oh, my ankles are broken.
Aah! Your face got me right in the knee.
I told you this was a bad idea.
This wasn't a bad idea, Burt!
It was a good idea screwed up
by a pompous ass!
Oh, really? Agh!
This partnership is over. I quit!
What? Just because a couple
of broken ankles?
- Some of his ribs are broken.
- You are so selfish!
Me? I can't believe I put up with you
for so many years!
You know what? I don't need you.
Nobody comes to see you.
They call it "The Incredible Burt & Anton"...
... not "The Incredible Burt
& the Incredible Anton"!
- "The incredible" applies to both of us!
- That is a hateful thing to say!
Whatever! You're welcome to it!
- Good luck, you incredible asshole!
- Aah!
- You're gonna be all right.
- We don't know that yet.
You're the asshole.
That's it?
Thirty years of friendship, Burt.
Say something.
Ladies and gentlemen...
... The Hot Box!
Yes, folks, it's truly a sad day.
Judah, move your little ass.
Burt, are you here?
Oh, hello, Nicole. I'm taking a tub.
- It's Jane. I'll wait till you're done.
- No! It's a bubble bath.
You can't see anything. Come on in.
Okay. I just think we need to talk
about everything because I just...
Oh, my God! Burt.
Oh. The bubbles seem to have dissipated.
There. That's not better.
Listen. I wanted to talk to you
about the show.
The show goes on.
Well, it's called "Burt & Anton:
A Magical Friendship."
- Yes, and?
- Anton is gone.
- So?
- How are we gonna do the show?
- Nicole. Let me explain something.
- Jane.
I don't need a partner. I never needed a partner,
certainly not Anton.
He was just a weight around my legs.
What did he ever bring to the equation?
Business acumen
and ideas and friendship. Pfft!
Better off without him.
- You think you can handle it on your own?
- Mm-hm.
- Give it a shot, because I can't watch this.
- I don't need him and I don't need you!
Good, because you don't have us.
And another thing!
Why don't you get in the tub?
Oh, God.
Abra, abracabadbra
I wanna reach out and grab ya
Abra, abracabadbra
Ladies and gentlemen,
I'm Burt Wonderstone.
But, of course, you already knew that.
Abra, abracabadbra
I wanna reach out and grab ya
Abra, abracabadbra
Now, what you may not know...
... is that I have been magical friends
with each other since I was young boys.
I've always known
that there was something different...
... about my friendship...
... with myself.
Hey, remember my games of Hangman?
I sure do.
But I played them a little differently
than the other kids.
Hold on, hold on.
- That was shit. That was shit.
- I think that went pretty damn well.
It was a train wreck!
That is it! I'm pulling the plug!
What are you talking about?
You said you were gonna do a new show!
That was the same show, just without Anton!
You can't be magical friends with yourself!
Fine! Any hotel in Vegas
would kill to have Burt Wonderstone.
- Really?
- And besides, I put away a ton of money.
You put away almost nothing.
What are all these words?
This is gobbledygook.
- What about all my investments?
- Yes, okay. Good.
What about them? Here you go.
There's your imported Mexican spring water,
Aqua de Leche.
That was a very classy product.
High-end packaging.
It's Mexican water, Burt.
You were selling the promise
of diarrhea for three bucks a bottle.
How about the millions you put
into that theme restaurant.
James Cameron's Titanic Cafe
was a great idea.
Our only mistakes were:
A, made the floor too slanty,
food kept sliding off the plates...
... and B,
did not get James Cameron's permission.
Gotta get permission. We talked about that.
It's your lavish lifestyle.
Don't you understand, Burt?
You spent $75,000 last month
on bed sheets.
Are you telling me
that I don't have any money?
You have a savings bond. Here.
Two hundred dollars
that my nana gave to me.
Yeah, $200 in 1973.
Today it is worth:
Hmm. Hmm.
The pout.
BURT: Hello, Nicole. How are you? That's great.
I had to give up my suite,
so I was wondering if I might be able...
- ... to crash at your place for a couple of nights.
- Oh, that's probably not a good idea, because...
BURT: Well, here's the thing.
I have not eaten in 24 hours...
... because it turns out that room service
does not deliver outside the hotel.
Yeah, that's pretty standard. I...
I guess you could stay here for a night.
Do you know where I live?
I am in need of rabbit food and birdseed.
- Wow. You really were hungry.
- Mm.
I almost ate one of my rabbits.
But they're riddled with lice.
Look at me. Burt Wonderstone,
the greatest magician in the world...
... sitting in this cruddy little apartment,
eating slop.
What is this?
It's pan-roasted tilapia
with squash blossoms.
Horrible gruel.
I imagine this is what prisoners eat.
I'll get it. Let me get that.
Thank you.
Oh, that's not... Um.
JANE: That's me and my grandmother.
She was a showgirl.
I used to come visit her in Vegas...
... and that's when I first saw your show
at the Golden Nugget. It was so good.
I knew right then and there
that I wanted to do magic.
- Really?
JANE: Yes.
Do you know what time it is?
Very good. Give it back, please.
I already did.
- Fine. You can do a little sleight of hand.
- Oh, your wallet.
Oh, God, you really are broke. Five dollars?
L... I actually need that.
Don't crumple it.
I have millions of ideas for tricks, Burt.
Did you really think I wanted
to be a magician's assistant?
- Yes.
JANE: No, Burt!
Make me your partner.
- Poor, sweet Nicole.
- My name's Jane.
My act is incredibly intricate.
It is a product of years of study
and training...
... and, no offense, but you are a girl.
You gotta be kidding me.
Not that girls can't do magic.
It's just that men are better at it.
You know what?
I don't want you staying here.
And I don't want to work with you.
Just because I said that men
are better than women?
I said "no offense."
Therefore, you cannot be offended.
When I saw you ten years ago,
you loved what you did.
I could feel it all the way in the back row...
... and now you're just a sad,
pathetic shell of what you once were...
... and I don't want any part of it.
What are you doing?
Did I misread the situation?
- Yes. Badly. Just get out.
BURT: Fine.
- I have many options.
JANE: Great.
It's so small.
No, I'm saying this bed is the
size a dog would use, or a small child.
I need a bigger bed.
This is your town, Burt.
Tomorrow you take it back.
Steve Wynn, please.
Burt Wonderstone.
Well, do you know when he'll be out
of the meeting?
I'm trying to talk to Steve Wynn.
Would you tell the Hilton family
Burt Wonderstone called?
Can you have Mr. Trump call me back?
I don't care which Hilton. Nicky will do.
Well, can you have Mrs. Trump call me back?
Mr. Luxor, please.
I don't understand.
Don't think so. I'm not looking for a partner.
I've been a solo act for a million years
and it's going pretty good.
- David, how long have we been friends?
- We're not friends.
Mm-hm. Mm-hm, but if we teamed up,
it could bring your career to the next level.
Well, I have a star
on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
Imagine this:
"The Incredible Burt & David."
All right.
Thank you.
I can make a lot of liquids disappear...
... but nothing makes liquids disappear
better than Bounty paper towels.
They're the quicker picker-upper.
Two rolls for 2.99.
All right, Burt.
- This should do it.
- Thank you, Terry.
If I can do anything else for you,
you have my card.
TERRY: Got it.
- My cell phone number's on there.
TERRY: Uh-huh.
BURT: I will leave my ringer on vibrate.
WOMAN: You're the man!
MAN 1: That's right, Steve!
I'm sure you've seen people walk
on red-hot coals.
But I doubt you've seen anyone...
... spend the night...
... on red-hot coals.
MAN 2:
No way!
You know what I say
when I see a bed of...
... red-hot coals?
Bring it!
Lucky guess.
Now, what you're smelling is not barbecue,
ladies and gentlemen.
It is my actual flesh.
MAN 3:
That's crazy.
See you in the morning!
Somebody get me a wake-up call,
or I'll sleep right through!
Under the O, 62.
This is our common room
where you'll be doing the majority of your shit.
What kind of people end up here?
NURSE: Well, most of them were performers
on the Strip.
- Lounge singers, strippers.
- B-1, baby.
Celebrity impersonators.
- So this is where old entertainers go to die.
- Mm-hm.
And some not so old.
Hello. How are you?
What's your name?
- Grace.
- Mm.
Grace, I'm Burt.
That's a lovely bracelet you have.
May I see that for a minute?
Take your time.
The clasp is in the back.
Yes. Oh, there we go.
Oh. Thank you.
Now, watch this.
Aah! Where did it go?
I don't know.
My granddaughter gave that to me.
What have you done? Oh.
No. It's right here.
I have it. I have it. I have it. It's right here.
I'm a magician.
I should have explained that to you earlier.
Oh, my God.
It's all right.
Sir, if you would do me a kindness
and select one card only from this deck.
He's forcing it on you.
- Show the card to others. Do not show me.
MAN: Don't do it. He's a hack.
Please put the card back in the deck.
Do not show me the card.
- I will out the deck once...
MAN: He already knows the card.
- Is this your card?
- No.
- Really? Hmm. That's odd.
MAN: It's part of the bit.
He's gonna guess wrong twice
and then tell you the card's in your pocket.
Thank you, sir, for ruining the trick.
Well, thank you for being so terrible.
Hey, pal. Cardigan.
- What's your problem?
- I don't have a problem, but you do.
- Oh.
- Your Zarrow Shuffle is sloppy...
... your lips move
when you do the Elmsley Count...
... and your patter is boring and sad.
You wanna try and dazzle people...
... not put them to sleep, for God's sakes.
Really? What else?
People want to think what they're seeing
is real magic, not a magic show.
If you don't believe what you're doing,
how are they gonna believe?
You got no joy in you, son.
You got no passion.
You may have seen these tricks
a thousand times before, but they haven't.
Oh, my God.
You're Rance Holloway.
I had your magic kit as a kid.
You're the reason I became a magician.
I'll give you your money back.
Well, I don't think you understand.
I am Burt Wonderstone.
I gather from that I'm supposed
to pass out now'?
Well, I headlined at Bally's
for the last ten years.
I'm very, very famous.
Well, I quit the business
and I don't read the trades...
... and I'm late for my coma.
Well, perhaps we could just talk
for a couple of minutes?
This could win it!
Tonight on The Brain Rapist:
Will there be blood?
And that brings us to our profile tonight.
A man who left behind the glitz and glamour
of Las Vegas stardom...
... to follow a different path.
His name is Anton Marvelton.
I started Operation Presto! Because I saw
how much suffering there was in the world.
I go to places where the children
have neither food nor clean water...
... and I give them magic.
And do you also give them food
and clean water?
Well, no. I'm a magician. I bring magic.
Hi, kids! Here you go.
That's for you.
Here you go, young man.
And for you.
Let's see that smile. Ha-ha-ha.
Don't worry, I have plenty for everybody.
What have we here?
Presto! Ha-ha-ha.
That's not all.
Hey, here you go.
How about that?
There you are.
That's for you, and you.
They should have fresh rabbits
to practice magic with, don't you agree?
This area of the world is so troubled.
Not only is there rampant poverty
and no fresh water...
... but the locals are also hooked
on a powerful drug called kratom leaf.
It knocks them unconscious for an hour.
So I'm trying to get them off the kratom
and hooked on magic instead.
Now, you're here in part
because you had a falling-out...
... with your longtime magic partner
and best friend, Burt Wonderstone.
He was my best friend.
He was like a brother to me.
And I'll always be grateful to him
for showing me my first trick.
Do you remember what that was?
A disappearing handkerchief.
It's the first trick everyone learns,
but I'll tell you what.
When Burt did it that day...
... it really blew my mind.
Rance, let's do some tricks.
Aah! Jeez!
What are you doing here?
- I wanna do tricks.
- What are you doing in my room?
- Look what I brought. Remember that?
- I don't care.
I thought that we could do some tricks
The whole point of the kit was so
that you could do the tricks without me.
Ooh! The dangling knot.
And the rings. Remember the rings?
How do these work again?
If I show you how to do the rings,
will you leave me alone?
We'll see.
Slide that one out, you need
to get the fingers, and there.
No good. I can see the corner of the card.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- There?
- Yeah. Squeeze your fingers tighter.
- All right.
- Tighter!
How in the hell did you ever perform
on a Las Vegas stage?
I didn't do very many card tricks.
I mostly worked with big giant props.
Big giant props.
Do you mind if I ask you something?
If you feel you should.
What happened? I mean,
one day you were headlining at Bally's...
... the next day you just disappeared.
Pass me the salt.
Do you remember
why you became a magician?
Because everybody loves a magician.
H ow...?
What you're feeling right now...
... that sense of awe,
that sense of wonderment...
... that sense that anything
in the universe is possible?
That's why you became a magician.
That's why I became a magician.
- That, and the women.
- That, and the women.
So why did you just walk away?
I was on a stage one day and,
all of a sudden, it had become rote...
... it'd become mechanical...
... and I didn't like that feeling.
So I walked away and I never looked back.
Honestly, how did you do that
with the bird?
It's partially deboned.
I'll be right there.
Burt! Burt, how are you?
- Doug.
- Come here.
- How you holding up?
BURT: Very well, very well.
Have a seat.
So like I said,
I want to talk to you about performing.
Yes, yes, yes. So, what do you think?
A triumphant return to Bally's?
Or, perhaps, a new show
at your new hotel?
Well, actually,
I had something else in mind.
Ah. All right.
See, Judah is turning, um...
I don't know. He's turning something,
and we're having a little party at the house...
... and when I asked him
who he would like to perform at the party...
... he told me he wanted you.
I know, I know. I couldn't believe it either.
I offered him Miley Cyrus
and Justin Bieber and Mandy Patinkin.
But no, no. He told me he wanted you:
The great and wonderful Burt Wonderstone.
For ten years,
I played the biggest room in Vegas.
I traveled the world, I dined with kings.
- And now...
- I'll pay you 500 bucks.
- I will do it!
- Good.
Doug Munny asked me to perform
at his kid's birthday party.
Ooh. Are you gonna do it?
- I will if you'll be my partner.
- I don't know. I'd have to shave.
Come on, Rance, it'll be fun.
I see it in your eyes. When you do a trick,
it's like you're 8O again.
I want to show you something
that I think will change your mind.
I'm 75.
Ladies and gentlemen, The Human Pifiata!
Now, this morning,
I ate a thousand pieces of hard candy...
... and I've got to get them out
or I will surely die.
- What is this, an escape?
- I wouldn't count on it.
Come on, hit me as hard as you can.
Hit me! Yeah! Is that all you got?
Oh, Jesus. This is disgusting.
Can I be a magician when I grow up?
Maybe if you get good grades.
This is what they call magic these days?
This is some kind of terrible shit!
Go, go, go!
Ladies and gentlemen, Steve Gray.
Goddamn, that's the worst thing
I ever saw in my life.
And I saw my kids being born.
Holy mackerel. Are you kidding me, Burt?
You never told us you were friends
with the famous Rance Holloway!
It is an honor, sir.
- You're too kind.
LUCIUS: Mr. Holloway.
What in the hell happened to you?
I work with cats. Large cats.
I went on a date last night and one
of them got jealous and ripped my face.
- Goddamn.
- Well, my girlfriend got it worse.
They said this was a magicians' bar.
- What are you doing in here?
- Mr. Gray.
What you do is not magic.
It is monkey porn.
I understand. It's natural for a dying leaf
to be frightened by the autumn wind.
- Mm.
- It's not about pulling a rabbit...
... out of your hat anymore.
It's about pulling your heart
out of your chest.
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
It means I take people's nightmares
and turn them into dream realities.
What in the fuck is a dream reality?
And you are...?
Hold on a minute, Steve. You're telling us
you don't know who Rance Holloway is?
- Never heard of him.
BURT: We owe this man everything.
And you don't know who he is.
I didn't say I don't know who he is.
I said I've never heard of him.
Your skin makes me cry.
That's a very sick hombre.
Well, when do we start rehearsing
our kids' show?
- Are you ready?
- Let's give it a try.
- Say, would you like to go golfing?
- Sure!
Here you go.
Let's go golfing. What?
- Rance Holloway!
RANGE: Thank you.
This is my handkerchief.
Told you you'd do great.
Hey. What are you doing here?
I came to visit my grandmother.
- Hello, darling.
- Grace is your grandmother?
Yeah. What are you doing here?
I entertain the residents.
I haven't seen her this happy in ages.
We're having an affair.
BURT: I don't get it. I don't understand
how you can work for Steve Gray.
You are so much better than that.
You didn't think that
when I asked to be your partner.
Well, that was a different time.
Women didn't have the same freedoms
that they do now.
It was a month ago.
Listen, I know he sucks. I need a job.
And I don't have to defend myself to you.
- No, I know you don't, Jane.
- Thank you.
Did you just actually call me
by my real name?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I've been
such a jerk to you.
And that I was so unprofessional.
And that I always called you Nicole,
even though I knew your name was Jane.
There's like a hundred more things
on my internal checklist.
Okay. That I objectified you,
and that I always stood too close to you...
... and that I yelled at you, and that I tried
to make you feel uncomfortable, and that I...
Okay, you can stop. Don't hurt yourself.
So whatever I did that was insensitive
and stupid, I'm sorry.
Well, on behalf of all the Nicoles
over the last ten years...
... I accept your apology.
Thank you, Nicoles.
We were, I don't know, 10, 11...
... and there was this one kid in class
who was always mean to us...
... always picking on us.
So we tricked him into pulling flash paper
out of the top of a wand.
It exploded in his face.
The whole class laughed.
- Oh, that must've been a good day.
- It was the best.
The next day, not so much.
Kid came back, beat Anton almost to death.
- Oh, no.
- He was all right.
- Least you had Anton.
- Yes.
I had imaginary friends,
and even they were mean, so, heh...
- The life of a child magician.
- Yes, try being a girl child magician.
They called me Magic Bitch.
- They did?
- Yes.
- They called me Magic Bitch.
- No.
Well, no.
Do you have any gigs coming up?
As a matter of fact,
I have a very important international gala...
... known as Doug Munny's kid's
birthday party.
- Oh, that's...
- Pathetic. I know.
No. I was gonna say cool.
Kids love magic, right?
I know you're probably busy...
... but I was thinking
maybe you could be there.
Ooh. I am busy.
But I'll be there.
BOY 1:
Judah is so lucky.
Rance, it's Burt. The party is today.
Just a gentle reminder. Uh, call me.
- Ah, you made it.
- Yep. Well, I love cake, so...
You ready?
I think I'm ready, but Rance isn't here yet.
So I'm a little...
- Rance is not here.
JANE: Don't worry.
You'll be fine.
- I'm not nervous. Thank you.
JANE: Right.
- Good luck.
- I don't need luck, I need Rance.
JANE: He'll be here.
- All right.
Ladies and gentlemen...
... I want to thank you all
for helping me celebrate my son's...
- How old are you?
- Ten.
My son's 10th birthday.
Judah, my love...
... my life...
... my dreams.
- Happy birthday.
- Thanks, Dad.
Now, of course, Judah's birthday isn't the real
reason I invited you all out here today.
As many of you know, my new hotel,
Doug, will be opening soon.
And in a few weeks, I myself will be hosting
a showcase of Vegas' hottest acts.
Whichever entertainer
dazzles me the most...
... will be getting a five-year contract
as Doug's headliner.
How about that, huh?
And I am very pleased to announce...
... that we have our first official entrant
into that competition...
... right here with us today.
He's a world-famous magician.
Ladies and gentlemen...
... Steve Gray!
Great to see you, Steve. Thanks for coming.
And I'll see you next month
at the showcase. Ha, ha.
All right, ladies and gentlemen.
Now, to entertain the children...
... Burt Wonderstone. Thank you.
I have a question for you. Don't you wish
you had a quarter for every time...
... your parents told you to clean
your ears?
ALL: Yeah.
- Well, there's one.
BOY 1: That's crazy!
ALL: Ooh.
And, yes. Oh, there's another one!
And the birthday boy. When was the last time
you cleaned behind your ears?
- Never.
- I didn't think so.
Because Judah has the grodiest ear of all!
- Whoa.
- You are rich, my friend!
BOY 2: That's so cool.
BOY 3: Amazing.
- Here you go.
STEVE: Wait!
- You kids wanna see some real magic?
BOY 4: Yeah.
ALL: Yeah!
GIRL 1: All right!
I'm pulling my thumb off. That's not it.
Steve, what are you doing?
You're not supposed to be performing today.
Just giving the people what they want.
Hey, guys. Check this out.
You know, if you're like me,
you're probably thinking:
"That coin trick.
"That was a tasty little hors d'uvre.
"But my inner child is hungry...
"... and crying out
for something more nourishing.
"What have you got on the grill?"
Oh, my gosh.
- What is he doing?
- What is he doing?
You see that?
You see what I'm doing there? Hmm?
Look at it. Look at it!
Now look at this!
In cursive.
MAN 1: Yeah!
- Mm.
That is a terrible trick to do for children.
What if they try and copy you?
I'll sue them.
- It's my trick.
BURT: Hey, guys.
Have you ever been to a party...
... and someone has on
the exact same outfit?
BOY 4: Definitely!
BOY 5: Sure!
Well, here is a solution for that.
I thank you.
BOY 6:
Here's how I hammer a nail.
STEVE: You need any work done
around the house, let me know.
- Built my summer cottage that way.
- All right. Very good.
Very good, indeed. But this is a classic.
Meaning it's been done.
Judah, what is your favorite animal?
A mole, a sloth, a puppy?
- A puppy. A PUPPY-
Let's make a puppy for Judah's birthday,
shall we?
There you go, a puppy. Hmm.
It's not really that cute, is it?
Sort of a lame puppy. I think I can do better.
I'll start again.
BURT: There you are, my friend.
Happy birthday, Judah.
Wow, thanks.
I'm going to call him Wonderstone.
Can I see Wonderstone for a second?
Hey, everybody. Watch this, everyone.
What an adorable little life form.
You know,
I bet I can make him even smaller.
And a little less adorable.
- I like to squeeze him really hard!
- Stop it.
Give me the dog. Give me that dog!
Give him to me.
Ash! WOW!
Wonderstone has disappeared.
I wonder where he went.
Probably where all Wonderstones
go eventually.
Into obscurity.
Daddy! Daddy! He crushed my dog!
Are you sure about that, Judah?
Are you sure about anything?
Because I think I hear something moving...
... in this box right over here.
Go ahead and open that.
Wonderstone! You're okay.
- Boom.
- Ha, ha.
That's a different dog, you sick bastard.
Where's the other one?
Don't you worry about it.
He's in a very safe place.
TOP that, puppy pants.
Goddamn you.
Happy birthday, Judah.
Chin up, Burt. Bad things don't happen to us,
they happen for us.
- Why couldn't you let him do just one show?
- Because I want that gig at Doug.
Not really, I don't care.
I want it.
- What is wrong with you?
- Nothing's wrong with me.
Everything's in perfect alignment.
I've worked long and hard to get
where I am and no one's gonna stop me.
Not Wonderstone, not you.
Not even me.
The future belongs to Steve Gray.
And in case you haven't noticed...
... I'm Steve Gray.
Well, Steve Gray,
you are a terrible human being.
And what's worse,
you're a really bad magician.
So I quit.
Nice exit line, but I'm still here.
What are you gonna do now?
Walk off in a huff.
Ugh, women. They're a mystery, Judah.
- He put a dog in my pants, Jane.
- I see.
- He put a live dog in my pants.
- I'm sorry.
- No one's ever done that to me before.
- I hope not.
He was teething.
So gross.
- I missed the show.
Don't worry about that.
This is Jane.
Hi, Jane. Rance Holloway.
Of course. I know who you are.
- What happened?
- I had a stroke.
I don't recommend it, either. It's not as much
fun as they tell you in the brochures.
How'd it go? Did you do the tricks?
Oh, it was fine.
Did they laugh? Were they amazed?
They loved it. It was great.
If I'd known how much fun it would be to work
with a partner, I would have done it years ago.
Oh, my God.
It's time for my final disappearing act.
Goodbye, Burt.
Where did he go?
He has gone to a better place.
Goodbye, Rance.
- He's under the bed.
- I know.
Hey, Weinselstein.
You came back.
But what about your work with the poor?
Yeah. They didn't actually want magic.
They wanted food and clean water.
The fools.
It's so good to see your face.
Would you like an onion ring?
- (SOBBING) I missed you so much.
- Oh, Burt.
- I just missed you so much.
- I missed you too.
After what I did to you at The Hot Box...
... I didn't think you'd be my friend anymore.
I can't understand you.
I didn't think you wanted
to be my friend anymore.
No, Burt, I'll always be your friend.
And I'll always be your friend.
I can't tell you what that means to me.
- (IN NORMAL VOICE) Yes, you can.
- It means a lot.
Your friendship means more to me
than anything in the world.
Burt, stop.
So haPPY-
I'm so haPPY-
I'm so haPPY-
Oh, I promised myself
I wasn't gonna do this.
I promised myself I was going to do this.
Ah, there it is. The enchanted notebook.
I've always kept it with me.
There are some really great ideas in here.
- What about "Raisin Storm"?
- We did it. Arsenio in '91.
- What about "Stinky, Stinky 2x4"?
- That one's really hard on my back.
Oh, yes. Listen, guys.
We just need one big trick
for Munny's showcase.
Some sort of grand illusion
that will really blow people's minds.
Hey, wait a minute.
What's "The Disappearing Audience"?
- Ugh, that was the trick we could never crack.
- Yes.
How do you make an entire audience
disappear without them being in on it?
- You'd have to knock them out or something.
- Well...
- That herb thing.
- Kratom.
It's a leaf they chew in Cambodia.
It knocks them right out.
We would have to drug a thousand people
without their consent?
Hmm. Mm.
Guys, no.
What? You can't be serious.
That would be dangerous and also illegal.
- She has a point.
- Yes.
We should test it first.
Do you think this batch is ready?
I don't know. Check it.
Do you think this batch is ready?
I don't know. Check it.
Okay. Does everybody know
what they're doing?
- I'm ready.
- Me too. But I am a little nervous.
Anton, what could possibly go wrong?
Somebody could die. We can go to prison.
See? When you say it out loud,
it doesn't sound so bad.
Jane, Anton and I have been talking.
And if we get this gig,
we'd like you to join us.
- I'd love to.
- Not as our assistant.
As our opening act.
We think that you're a hell of a magician,
and we would like you to be our partner.
All right. Heh.
Okay, I'm just gonna head out.
Happy for you GUYS-
Sorry, sorry. Forgot my sweater.
Okay. Bye.
Happy for you.
All right.
- Oh.
- I believe that this is yours?
Very good. Mm.
Oh. You have, urn, something in your ear.
- Very nice.
JANE: Thank you.
I don't think that will work for me.
- Really?
- No, it's just for the trick.
Oh, okay.
He's touching me where it doesn't feel good.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
Okay! Okay! Yeah, that was something!
Okay, get off.
Go ahead. Yeah. Ahem.
Sorry about that. Heh.
Next up, a man who lives
on the cutting edge...
... and the burning edge...
... and the gouging edge of magic.
You may know him from his TV show,
Brain Rapist.
So prepare to have your brains raped.
Ladies and gentlemen, Steve Gray!
Thank you.
But I'm not here for applause.
I'm different than the other magicians
you'll see tonight.
In fact, I'm not planning
on doing any magic...
... at all.
I want to do a little thing I call:
Drilling a hole in my head.
STEVE: Now, according to my research,
there's a narrow angle...
... where one can drill...
... into the skull...
... missing all the vital parts of the brain.
Now, I've been informed
by my medical team...
... that I may lose one of my senses...
... leaving me with only five.
And no longer special in any way.
Yes, just like one of you.
... cross your fingers for me.
Oh, and, parents,
if you have small children with you...
... you might want to lift them up
so they can see better.
All right, without further delay...
... let's change everything.
MAN: That was great!
- Thank you.
Do it again!
Hey, when did you guys get here?
Oh, I left my drill. I left my drill out there!
I left my drill!
Oh, boobies.
DOUG: That's why he's a star,
ladies and gentlemen! Steve Gray!
Let's hear it! Ha, ha.
Thank you.
I feel bad for anyone
who has to follow that act.
And now, to follow that act...
... Burt Wonderstone and Anton
Marvelton, ladies and gentlemen!
Yes! Ha, ha!
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Good evening. For 15 years,
Anton and I did a little show called:
"Burt & Anton: A Magical Friendship."
But as some of you may know,
we recently had a falling-out.
Yeah, we fell right out of The Hot Box.
BURT: Oh. See, ladies and gentlemen,
along the way...
... we forgot the most important thing of all,
and that is that Burt needs Anton.
And Anton needs Burt.
Because that is what a magical friendship
is all about.
Tonight, we offer you the one illusion
that we dreamed about as kids...
... but never dared perform until now.
I guess you could say that this trick
started 3O years ago on my birthday...
... when I was given
a Rance Holloway Magic Kit.
And I watched the instructional video
for the very first time.
Hello, my young friends.
I'm Rance Holloway.
You've probably seen me
on The Merv Griffin Show...
... or live onstage...
... at the fabulous Stardust Resort and Casino
in Las Vegas.
Magic is the art of making people
believe something...
... they know can't possibly be true.
For example, if I were to say to the man
in the second row aisle seat:
"That's the ugliest goddamn orange
sweater I have ever seen"...
... you might be astonished,
because there's no way I could've known...
... what he'd be wearing
when I recorded this 3O years ago, right?
Well, let me tell you something, folks:
You ain't seen nothing yet!
No, you ain't seen nothing yet.
Because now Burt and Anton
are going to make all of you...
... everyone in this audience,
man, woman and child...
... disappear from this very theater.
Where are we?
Oh, my God.
Thank you! Thank you!
- Thank you very much!
- Thank you.
ANTON: Thank you!
BURT: Thank you!
We did it, Anthony.
We sure did, Albert.
Burt, Anton! Congratulations!
You got the gig. I don't know how you did it.
- This was one hell of a trick.
- Thank you, Doug.
And I was sure this was gonna be a disaster.
Just one thing. You're gonna make the
audience reappear again at the Doug, right?
Not a problem.
Because I make a shitload of money
off them in the casino.
All right. Very proud of you.
Not bad. But wait till they see
what I have planned.
I'm gonna drill a hole in my head.
Right here.
Ahead of my time.