The Invite (2026) Movie Script

1
- (Woman) OK.
- (Man) OK. Here we go.
- (Woman clears throat) OK.
- (Piano strikes up)
(Second piano line
playing out of sync)
(Woman) Hold on.
(Man chuckles) One more time.
(Woman hums piano line)
(Woman) Wait!
Slower, slower, slower...
(Man laughing) One more time.
(Piano lines
beginning to sync up)
- (Woman) Uh-huh!
- (Man) And then just one time.
(Piano lines
playing roughly in sync)
(Woman) Uh-huh.
(Man) And now the hard part!
(Laughs)
(Piano lines
playing out of sync)
(Woman) No! (Mutters)
(Man) One, two, three, four,
bam-bam...
(Piano lines syncing up again)
(Woman chuckling)
- (Man) You got it?
- (Woman) Yes.
(Man) And now's
the best part.
- (Woman) Yeah.
- (Man laughing)
- (Woman) OK, OK, OK... Ready?
- (Man) One more time, together.
- (Man) Wait... Are you ready?
- (Woman) Two hands,
- and then... (Plays glissando)
- (Man) Yep.
- (Woman laughing)
- (Random notes on piano)
(Woman) Yeah, perfect.
Perfect. You can do it.
You're so flexible.
OK. OK. One more time.
(Piano lines playing in sync)
(Woman) Uh...
(Man) Yeah!
- Yeah!
- (Woman) Yeah...
(Piano lines
drifting out of sync)
- (Woman humming)
- (Man) I missed a bit. (Laughs)
One more, one more.
(Piano lines playing in sync)
- (Woman) Ugh.
- (Man) Whoops!
(Both laughing)
- (Man) One more time.
- (Piano fades)
- (Man and woman chuckling)
- (Woman) It's perfect!
(Echoey silence)
(Orchestra piercing
through silence)
That was great.
Great work.
Sounding...
(Grunts)
Yeah, sounding really good.
Um...
Maybe, uh...
play it a couple more times,
just for practice,
but... good job.
Oh...
Stupid fucking thing!
- (Thud)
- OK.
(Banging)
No. (Grunts)
Come on... Oh!
Fuck me.
(FABIENNE DELSOL:
"I'm Confessin'")
I'm confessing that I love you
Tell me, do you love me, too?
I'm confessing that I need you
Honest, I do
Every single moment
In your eyes,
I read such strange things
But your lips deny
they're true
Will your answer
really change things?
Making me blue
Making me blue
I'm afraid
someday you'll leave me
Saying,
"Can't we still be friends?"
If you go,
you know you'll grieve me
All in life on you depends
Am I guessing
that you love me?
Dreaming dreams of you in vain
I'm confessing
that I love you, over again
Over again
I'm afraid
someday you'll leave me
Saying,
"Can't we still be friends?"
If you go,
you know you'll grieve me
All in life on you depends
Am I guessing that you love me
Dreaming dreams of you
in vain?
I'm confessin'
that I love you, over again
Over again
I'm confessin'
that I love you, over again
Over again
Sweet lover
Sweet lover
Sweet lover
(Grunts)
(Exhales)
(Grunting)
(Continues grunting)
Shoes off, please.
Oh...
Will you please remind me
why you got me this bike?
- What?
- This bike. Why?
Core strength. Spine health.
Remember what the doctor said.
You were supposed to fold it.
The whole point
of a folding bike - it folds.
This thing is
fucking impossible to fold.
Do you know
how hard this is to fold?
It's supposed to be more
convenient than a normal bike.
It's way less convenient
than a normal bike.
Also, the wheels,
they're so little.
It's like
I gotta pedal four times
to get one normal wheel rotation
out of it.
You have to practice, maybe.
(Grunts)
Where's Maggie? Yo, Maggie!
No, she's not here.
- Where is she?
- She's, uh... at a sleepover.
- Where?
- At Sadie's.
I didn't know she was having
a sleepover with Sadie.
Oh, it was sort of last minute.
Oh, God.
Sadie is so strange, isn't she?
I don't know if it's good that
she's hanging around with Sadie.
I mean, she's fine.
I called ahead.
Sadie's mother is single.
There are no men or weapons
in the home.
You called Sadie's mother
to ask if she was single?
- Yeah, of course
- "Of course"?
Sadie's fucking crazy.
Mm...
Whoa... holy shit!
My God, look at all this cheese!
No! No, no...
Leave it, leave it, leave it...!
Not yet! Not yet.
Not... Not yet.
What is all this?
What is that...
- What is that smell?
- I'm making a souffl.
You're making a souffl,
and there's 200 pounds
of cheese?
Is there, like, an event?
Are we expecting people?
- (Sighs) Our neighbors.
- Which neighbors?
Our upstairs neighbors.
I told you yesterday, remember?
You have mentioned
that for some insane reason
you want to invite them over.
You for sure didn't tell me
they were coming over tonight.
Why didn't you ask me
about this?
I did.
Oh, did you, sweetie?
When did that happen?
I told you yesterday.
Well, telling me and asking me
are actually
two very different things.
And if I'm being honest, I...
I don't even think you told me.
It's not like you listen
to anything that I say anyway.
Oh, fuck,
did you forget the wine?
- What wine?
- I... I texted you.
I texted you about wine.
We don't have any wine.
- What are you doing? Stop!
- I'm eating a pickle.
I couldn't have any cheese.
I'm hungry. I'm eating a pickle.
Now you're not gonna eat
my souffl.
And we have no wine.
This is a nightmare!
- It's not a fucking nightmare.
- What?
Nothing.
Can you please
just clean up your office?
It's...
It's just such an eyesore.
Can you please
call the neighbors
and tell 'em
to come another time?
- No.
- "No".
It's too late.
They're coming in ten minutes.
They're coming
in ten fucking mi...
Why didn't you tell me
any of this?
Because we've been talking about
them coming for six months, OK?
And they've been so nice
about all our noise
- from the renovation.
- "Our" noise?
Did you just say they've been
nice about our noise?
That's nuts!
You're making a souffl
for these people now?
- What is happening here?
- She said she wanted to see it.
She just wants to see it
now that it's done,
and she's very nice.
They're very, very...
You know, they seem cool.
And she just...
She has, like, presence, and...
She's so... She's so pretty.
Yeah, she's fine.
But he is a fucking weirdo, OK?
Every time
I'm in the elevator with him,
it's, like, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, nonstop.
- You know what I mean?
- That's just what people do.
He's asking me questions,
and he wants me
to ask him questions.
And the eye contact
is off the charts.
Yeah. That's called
a conversation, Joe.
What is this?
What?
That's a rug.
- It's new.
- Yeah.
Did you buy this rug because
the neighbors are coming?
- Oh, my God!
- How much was this rug?
- You are so predictable.
- I'm predictable?
You bought a whole rug
to impress strangers.
Isn't that
a little bit more predictable?
I could've seen that coming
a mile away.
Can we please do a reset?
A what?
Can you leave
and come back in again?
- Is this from a podcast?
- Yes, it is. Does it matter?
You physically want me to leave
the apartment and come back in?
- Yes. Please do that for me.
- No, it's fucking silly.
Joe, I'm asking you
to just do that for me.
- Would that be OK?
- Fine.
- I will do that for you, OK?
- Great.
- Here we go.
- Thank you.
Yeah. Thank you.
This will fix everything.
(Exhales sharply)
- Hi, I'm home.
- Hi.
Oh, how's it going?
- Great.
- Cool.
Any, uh...
Any plans for tonight?
Yeah. Uh, our neighbors
are coming over.
Neighbors?
Oh, man. I love them.
Especially how chatty
and inquisitive they are.
It's so cool.
They're super cool.
But maybe you could call 'em and
ask them to come another night,
'cause I'm just not feeling
up for it tonight, you know?
- No!
- "No"?
- No!
- What the fuck?
No. It would be rude.
They're literally on their way.
- What do you mean, "rude"?
- That's crazy.
- I thought we were gonna reset.
- So did I.
- You said the same shit.
- So did you.
Can we put curtains
on this window?
I don't like how they can see
right into our apartment.
No, I like the light.
(She continues
talking indistinctly)
I got this special ham,
you know,
'cause she's from Spain,
so, it's...
It's not actually ham,
it's jamn.
I can't have any of this cheese?
Please don't eat the cheese.
I worked so hard on that.
Can you just wait,
and then they'll come,
and you'll eat cheese,
and then you can go upstairs
and smoke weed.
I'd smoke weed in here
if you let me.
No, I won't, because
it gets stuck in the walls.
You know what?
I actually think
it's really cool
that they're coming over
tonight.
- Why?
- Because...
...I can finally talk to 'em
about the noise.
- No, Joe, we made a deal.
- What deal?
That we weren't gonna say
anything.
Yeah. Well, you know what?
I changed my mind.
God!
It's none of our business
what they do in the privacy
of their own home.
None of our business
that every night we get waken up
by floor-shaking animal fucking?
How is that
none of our business?
How is that
none of our fucking business?
She is having just
spectacular orgasms up there.
Are you aware of how difficult
that is for a woman?
Doesn't seem that hard for her!
What,
is she your role model now?
Yeah, she's definitely
my role model.
She's your come role model?
- That's great.
- Yeah.
Can we please
just paint this room already?
Well, we haven't picked
a color, Joe, so no.
It's the same color.
Pick a color. Who cares?
It's not the same color.
Remember I almost said something
to 'em in the elevator that day?
I was so close
to saying something.
Oh, I wish
I'd said something that day.
I do. I remember that we decided
we were not gonna say anything.
Yeah, that's because I thought
it couldn't get any worse.
And you know
what happened right after that
is it got much, much,
much, much worse.
They were gonna crash through
the ceiling the other day!
Joe! We are not saying anything.
Why not?
They're cool, right?
You keep saying
how cool they are.
So, maybe if I bring it up,
we can finally get to the bottom
of whose orgasm is whose.
Is he the whimperer
and she's the growler,
or is she the whimperer
and he's the growler?
Either way, I'll bring it up,
we'll laugh about it,
and I'll tell them
to knock it the fuck off.
It's like you want everyone
to feel uncomfortable.
I'm the one who's uncomfortable.
If our neighbors
were waking us up
every night at four
in the morning by blasting music
and I said something
about it to them,
wouldn't that be
completely reasonable?
It's the exact same thing,
but it's even more justified
'cause it's fucking!
Just don't say anything.
Just not tonight. Please!
This shirt,
is this also new?
Yes.
Well, it's nice. It looks...
looks really good on you.
Well, you could tell me that
once in a while.
I just did tell you that.
God, I can't believe
you forgot the wine.
I didn't forget the wine.
I'm on this collapsible bike
like a fucking schmuck,
and I can't answer text messages
while I'm on it.
Oh! Do we have anything nice
to drink?
No, there's nothing to drink.
We should probably call them
and tell them not to come over.
Look, we have this, this thing.
Is this weird?
Yes, it's weird.
What is this? New Year's?
We're popping champagne
with these people?
It's fine, look.
We'll pre-pop it,
so by the time they get here,
it'll be, you know, fizzed out,
and it'll just be
like a sparkling wine.
Can't you see this is obviously
not a good time to have company?
What the fuck do you mean?
I just made this whole souffl.
- Did you see this thing?
- Yes.
Do you have any idea how hard
I worked on this fucking thing?
It's gonna be fucking beautiful
if you'd just shut the fuck up!
I'm gonna make this very simple.
Either you tell 'em not to come,
or I'm gonna bring up
the screaming,
groaning fucking noises.
What?
- Was that an ultimatum?
- Yeah. The choice is yours.
I'm sorry.
You're gonna bring up
the fucking?
- Yeah.
- Mm. Mm-hmm.
Do you even understand
how hard it is
- for a woman to come that hard?
- Yes, I do,
'cause you've mentioned it
100 times in the last 3 minutes.
'Cause I don't think you get it.
I don't think you really
understand how difficult it is.
And if we say something,
do you know what's gonna happen?
Every time they fuck
and she comes,
they're gonna see
our dumb faces. That's not fair.
I could not care less
about anything in the world
than this woman's
fucking orgasm.
I just wanted
to have a nice night.
I just wanted to have a nice,
normal fucking night,
and you won't let me.
These people
are disrespecting us.
They know we can hear them,
can you not see that?
What are you talking about?
You sound like your father.
- No. That is not what this is.
- Yes, it is.
They know we can hear them.
- They get off on it.
- No!
They're fucking with us.
They're perverts.
They're not thinking
about us!
Well, maybe that's the problem.
Maybe they should be!
Why? Oh... You know what?
We're not fucking canceling.
Do you know why?
We don't have friends!
You mean I'll be friends
with them?
- Are you kidding me?
- Why not? Maybe.
It's not my fault
we don't have friends.
Oh, it's not?
-I would love to have friends.
-You would love...
People like me. Why do you think
we don't have friends?
What, people don't like me?
I'll tell you why
we don't have friends.
'Cause we're fucking miserab...
(Door buzzer)
Hi.
Hi. Come in.
Nice to see you, Angela.
Yes, I'm...
We are so happy you're here.
(Chuckling)
Hi.
Ah, two.
- Nice to meet you.
- Angela. Me too.
Yes. Joe, you...
You remember Pia and Hawk?
This... It's still a good time?
Yes. Yeah.
Are you sure
we're not interrupting?
(Angela) No, it's great.
- If it's good for you...
- Yeah.
...it's great for us.
Yeah, we love... Yeah.
It just... It took you a while
to come to the door,
and it sounded
like you were arguing.
- (Pia) No filter.
- No, I just wanna be honest.
We were... We were at the door
before we rang,
and we could hear
you were fighting.
Oh, we were talk...
We were, um...
- We were fighting.
- We were fighting, yeah.
Bit of a contentious
environment in here,
so I understand
if that's repellent to you.
No hard feelings,
you know what I mean?
Completely understand.
You know?
We love
a contentious environment.
- We love it.
- (Chuckles) OK.
Well, really, really, it's fine.
You hit the jackpot, then,
my friend.
You're in for a treat.
- (Hawk) OK?
- (Angela) Yeah, great.
(Pia) Do we have
to take our shoes off?
Oh God, no.
No, no! No! No!
- Yeah. OK. Great.
- Hey... Hey, Joe.
- May I look at this place?
- Yeah, thank you.
Joe! Be honest,
do you want us to take 'em off?
I don't give a fuck if you
take your shoes off, personally.
(Laughs) God...
- Hawk, is it?
- Hawk, yeah. Yeah.
- Like the bird?
- Yep, like the bird.
Cool.
(Chuckles) This guy.
We've been dying
to see your apartment.
Oh! Oh, God. I'm so sorry.
We wanted to invite you.
It wasn't quite ready before.
(Joe) Still isn't quite ready
if you ask me.
Yeah, 'cause you mentioned it
in the elevator,
but then you never called.
- (Angela) Yes.
- We, uh...
What? No... I mean, we wondered
if we did something wrong.
- (Angela) No, God, no.
- Well...
No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
No, I'm sorry about that. No.
What do you...
What do you think?
- It's huge.
- So much bigger now.
- It has such a nice flow.
- You guys have money?
(Speaks Spanish)
(Responds in Spanish)
Just saying...
You really... You really got
some beautiful pieces.
- It's all Angela.
- Well, I know what I like,
- but it's not all expensive.
- Some of it is very expensive.
- Some of it. Most of it's not.
- Some of it is, though.
- Not everything.
- But some of it.
I guess what I meant to say is,
you can tell that it's been done
with a lot of care,
and you have a really great eye.
That's true.
I... I can feel it.
I feel you put so much love.
I... I did that.
Thank you, yeah.
I...
I love it. I do love it.
I really care. I do.
- Thank you for saying that.
- I can see it.
I care.
I do care a lot. I...
(Laughs, mumbles)
I'm so sorry.
I'm getting emotional.
I don't know why,
but I thank you.
Thank you for saying that.
- Yeah, it has...
- (Both) ...great energy.
(Both speaking Spanish)
- Oh! I...
- (Joe) Wow! Look at that!
Energy is what I was going for.
That's what I wanted.
Energy's great. We talked a lot
about how to capture energy,
as though that was a real thing
we could do.
- Well, energy is everything.
- (Joe) Really?
Kinetic, chemical, potential,
nuclear, sexual.
You cannot really create it
or destroy it,
but you can find ways
to shape it.
- Mm.
- (Joe) Beautiful.
You shaped it
really beautifully here.
- I love the shape.
- Thank you.
Too existential for you, Joe?
No. Hey...
Not existential enough for me.
Let's get deep.
What is life? (Chuckles)
(Chuckling)
Oh, that is my Spanish flan.
No! Oh, my God! Flan.
Oh, how elegant.
Fair warning.
Once you try Pia's flan,
there's no going back.
You'll be at our door
late at night,
like a junkie under the bridge,
saying, "We need a score",
like, uh... heroin.
(Exhales) Wow!
Hmm.
You might wanna
put it in the fridge.
-Yes. Yeah. Come...
-Yes.
Yeah, you want it refrigerated.
- Is it "flawn" or "flan"?
- Flan.
- (Joe) Flan?
- (Pia) Flan.
- (Joe) Thought it was "flawn".
- Yes.
Oh!
(Sniffing)
- (Pia) Remember to...
- (Angela) Yes! Right!
(Clattering)
I'm so sorry. I haven't...
I literally haven't offered you
anything to drink. I'm so...
We have
some beautiful sparkling...
- Hmm!
- ...um, that...
Or maybe you'd prefer...
- Wine.
- Wine's better.
- Wine. Wine.
- (Hawk) Yeah.
Wine.
Do we have wine?
- We do have wine.
- We do have wine?
- Oh, we do. We have wine.
- Oh, wine.
(Mumbles) We have...
We have the anniversary wine.
- Our anniversary wine?
- Yes.
The wine my uncle gave us
for our anniversary
that we've been saving
for a special occasion?
- Chteau Haut-Brion?
- Yes.
- 1980?
- Yes.
Get the wine!
- We have.
- We do have wine.
We've been waiting
for the perfect moment.
- Are you sure this is it?
- Yes! Yeah! Yeah, yeah. Yep.
- Yeah. Totally.
- (Mumbling)
That's great. Finally!
- Yep. Mm-hmm.
- There it is. 1982.
- Yeah.
- Chteau Haut-Brion.
Perfect. Great.
(Hawk) You wanna save that
for another time?
Oh my God, no! What time?
- This is it!
- No. Are you kidding me? Yeah.
No time like the present, huh?
Do you wanna open it?
- Of course. Yeah. Um... yep.
- That's not where it is.
It's usually in there.
It should be in there.
- No, it's never been in there.
- Definitely, I...
- It should be in here.
- No, it's never been in there.
- Literally never been in there!
- Never been in there?
It's not there. No, 'cause I
never would've put it in there.
- That's not where it goes.
- (Joe) Often is in there.
(Angela) It's literally
never been there.
- Do you want me to do it?
- (Joe) Got it!
Sorry. We don't, um...
...have people over very often.
- Do you need me to do it?
- I got it.
OK.
- Boom! My God...
- Bravo!
Wow!
- Little bit of cork in there.
- Yeah...
I had confidence, Joe.
(Joe) Thank you.
I knew I'd get there.
(Angela) Ah...
- Mm... Yeah.
- Thank you so much.
- Yes. Great.
- (Hawk) Slinte.
- (Pia) Salud!
- (Hawk) Joe, thank your uncle.
He's, uh... He's dead, so...
Maybe next time.
Pretty weird guy.
- Oh, how is your daughter?
- (Angela) Maggie?
She's so cool.
She is cool.
Yeah. She's great.
- (Pia) I love her style.
- I know, right?
- She's awesome.
- Yeah, she's...
She's amazing.
I'm really gonna miss her.
Where's she going?
To college.
In six years?
She's... She's twelve years old!
Yeah, I know. But it's just...
I'm gonna miss her,
and I'm just gonna be alone.
What about me?
Where have I gone?
I'm just saying it's gonna be...
- It's gonna be different.
- Do you know something I don't?
No, I do not. I'm just saying,
it... won't be the same.
It's not gonna be the same.
So... I'm sorry.
I'm just, I feel like
I'm becoming emotional again.
(Pia) Sorry for what?
I mean, we would be crazy
if we didn't cry.
- (Angela) Yeah.
- You know, it's the best way
to release stress hormones,
cortisol.
Oh, I have a lot of that, then.
That's what I do.
- She does.
- (Angela) It's just...
There's nothing in the world
better than being a mom,
you know?
For... For some.
But not everyone, because
that... that isn't your path.
- You... You don't...
- I mean, we talk about it.
- We think about it.
- Right.
- (Hawk) Hasn't been a priority.
- Yeah.
- No, no. Yeah, maybe.
- Yeah.
- Maybe.
- That's great.
You should probably decide
sooner than later.
What?
Whether or not
you're gonna have children.
Why?
You know, just due to age.
Whose age?
You know? I mean...
Picasso had a baby
when he was ninety, so...
It's more... It's probably
more the science stuff.
Mm... Science.
Traditionally, the woman is...
I didn't want to talk about it.
(Clears throat)
Actually, I have something...
You know, time, she marches.
Don't know if you saw it before,
but this is just something,
a gesture to remind you of home.
Uh, it's just a little,
um... jamn.
Oh, that is so sweet,
and I love how you say it.
- Can you say it again?
- Jamn.
Oh, my God.
It's so sweet, I will eat you!
- I cannot... I don't eat meat.
- (Joe) Hmm?
- No?
- He does.
I do. Yeah.
Full carnivore.
Cheese? Do you...
We have so much cheese!
No. I mean... no.
For me, no cheese.
- You don't eat cheese? No...
- She's a vegan.
- Inflammation.
- Right, yeah.
- Oh, the crackers.
- I don't. Mm-mm.
For me, also no.
No gluten, no dairy, no meat,
no sugar.
We got almonds.
You want almonds?
Ah...
- You love almonds.
- I love almonds.
Really failed on the meat,
then, huh?
Meat fail.
Failed on the meat. It's OK.
(Hawk) No. I will eat
Pia's meat.
All your beautiful meat
will get eaten. I'm starving.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
It's totally... Hey, it's great.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Is there a bathroom I can use
before I...?
It's this... that.
- Yeah. Thank you. It's lovely.
- Great. I just...
Pia, what do you want to eat?
Whatever you want, I can get it.
I can order it.
I can get it here so fast.
Five minutes.
They come on a bike.
Anything, any cuisine you like.
- What do you like?
- She's fine.
- I don't want anything.
- Yeah, she's good.
But I don't understand
how you put all of this together
so quickly.
I mean, we only planned
this morning.
- This is like magic.
- This morning? Really?
Was it? Or... I think yes...
yesterday morning.
- Just this morning?
- This morning.
- (Joe) Not yesterday.
- Last... Last morning.
- This morning?
- Last morning.
(Joe) That's not an expression.
This morning. Happened today.
Just because the days, they...
You know how they...
(Joe) They kind of
blur into one.
- This morning.
- (Angela) Yes.
- (Shivering)
- (Joe) Are you cold?
What are you doing?
What's happening right now?
- What you doing right now?
- (Shivering) Am I OK?
I don't know.
Are you choking?
(Angela) I just feel a little...
Am I OK?
(Joe) Are you choking
right now?
(Angela) No, I...
- (Mumbling) I get a little...
- This happens a lot?
(Toilet flushing)
(Exhales)
(Pia) It could be the beginning
of perimenopause.
- What?
- Perimenopause?
And it can be such
a challenging, horrible time...
(Joe) Holy shit.
...and last
more than ten years.
- (Angela) Oh, God.
- Oh, my God. Great!
Makes me so angry,
how so many people still today
talk about hot flashes
as the only problem.
- I know.
- (Pia) This is a serious,
huge neuroendocrine change
that affects everything -
memory, cardiovascular health,
metabolism -
and we are expected
just to deal with it.
Just deal with depression,
anxiety, brain fog, insomnia.
Mood swings.
Is that one of 'em?
Yeah. Yeah.
Resentment towards your spouse.
Overspending
on home goods and cheeses.
Abundance of charcuterie.
I knew you were gonna make
a joke about it.
I am. I'm making a joke.
I thought...
Let me explain it to you
in a different way.
(Joe) OK.
What if your testicles
shriveled up and died,
and your empty ball sack
flopped around in the breeze
for the next thirty years or so?
How would you like that?
I wouldn't like that.
- No. You wouldn't.
- (Joe) No.
- So, don't joke about it.
- (Joe) OK. Copy that. I won't.
I get it. I'm sorry.
Are you a doctor
or something like that?
- I'm a psychotherapist.
- (Joe) Ah.
- And a sexologist.
- (Angela) Oh.
- "Sexologist"?
- And I also care about women.
- I, uh... care about women.
- ("Flea Waltz" on piano)
(Hawk) Hey, they got, uh...
like, a whole music studio here.
That's gonna...
That's gonna be bad.
You the...
You the piano player?
- No one plays that anymore.
- Really? It's so nice.
No?
Joe was in a band.
- (Pia) Oh, really? In a band?
- (Angela) Yeah, in a band.
- (Pia) In a band?
- (Angela) Mm-hmm.
Do we know you, and we
just don't know we know you?
- No. No, definitely not.
- Sure?
Yes, I'm positive. Yeah.
(Angela) They might.
- Don't think so.
- (Pia) No?
(Angela)
Remember The Onslaught?
- Yeah, The Onslaught.
- They had a song, uh...
"One Girl".
It was very big.
- "One Girl", yeah.
- It was really big in...
Yeah, for one week.
- In two thousand and...
- 2008.
- Yeah.
- (Pia) Were you the girl?
I was, I was.
- Still is. Technically.
- (Angela) Technically, still.
Yes.
I was the girl.
(Pia) What kind of music?
Well, it's like
pop, punk, indie...
It's, like... It's not, uh...
It's... It's a dead genre.
- Can we listen to it?
- No.
But, I mean...
You know, can we...
- Can you find it on Spotify?
- No.
Do you ever play live?
We could come see you.
Yeah, you kind of
missed that window
by a few decades, unfortunately.
(Angela) Joe plays...
He actually teaches music now.
- Yeah.
- (Hawk) Where?
- East Bay.
- Like, Berkeley?
No. East Bay Music.
It's a small conservatory.
- It's an amazing school.
- It's fine. It's a fine school.
(Hawk) You're a music professor?
(Both) Associate.
(Hawk) Wow.
That's really cool.
It's fine.
(Hawk) I'm sorry.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
- (Pia speaking Spanish)
- I'm sorry.
What is the...
- Oh, come on.
- Ah, la alfombra.
What is going on here?
This rug.
Where'd you get it?
(Pia) He is obsessed
with carpets.
Oh! So am I.
- I love rugs. Joe not so much.
- Not so much.
More into credenza,
sconces, things like that.
Holy shit,
I think it's a Heriz.
No!
- And it's...
- (Hawk) Where did you get this?
- I got it at a flea market.
- A flea market? No, you didn't.
- (Angela) I did.
- (Hawk) No, you didn't.
(Angela)
I just liked the colors.
You did? Well, you found
a Van Gogh in a garage sale.
- I did?
- Wow, look at that!
- But it's a rug, so...
- (Hawk) No, it's not.
- It's a Heriz.
- It's a Heriz.
Rug.
Hmm.
But you didn't pay
a fortune for this?
I did not.
- You swear?
- It's a rug.
Wow. You have a gift. I mean...
And that's, like... wow!
I wanna take off my clothes
and just lie naked on it.
- Do it.
- (Hawk) Can you imagine
the things this carpet has seen?
- So many stories.
- It's really, like...
really cut it.
An incredible, incredible vibe.
- Good energy.
- (Exhales) Wow!
Really good energy.
Yeah.
He did our entire apartment.
It's so beautiful.
You have to come over.
And we really mean it,
unlike you, Joe.
(Joe) Ha, ha, ha.
Very funny.
Are you an interior designer
or something?
What?
Oh, thank you. No.
No. He is a fireman.
Firefighter, we say.
Firefighter.
You're a firefighter?
You're not a...
You weren't a firefighter.
Yeah, he was a fire captain.
- You were a fire captain?
- Captain Hawk?
- Captain Hawk. No, you weren't.
- Oh, my God.
You're not Captain Hawk.
That's bullshit.
- Why?
- (Joe) "Why"?
You don't seem like
a firefighter.
(Hawk) What does a firefighter
seem like?
They're brawnier.
They're brawnier.
- They have moustaches.
- (Angela) What do you mean?
- They're brawnier
- Qu es eso de "brawny"?
- Fuerte. Fuerte.
- More fuerte. More fuerte.
(Angela) He's very fuerte.
He's pretty fuerte, although
he could be more fuerte.
I don't know
if he's fireman fuerte.
I was more fuerte
in the beginning,
but I was, you know...
I got to my pension.
I just decided I'd had enough
and kind of gave up my hose
for the command job, and then...
- Thank God.
- ...I retired
and just started pursuing
my other interests
- and new adventures.
- Now he's studying roofing.
- Roofing. Beautiful.
- The adventure of roofing.
- No, sorry. Rolfing. Rolfing.
- That's what I said.
- Rolfing.
- Rolfing.
- Say it again.
- No.
- Say it again.
- (Both speaking Spanish)
You're a masseuse now.
That's cool.
You gonna work
in the Four Seasons?
No, no. Rolfing's a...
It's a much deeper modality.
It... It... It's challenging
for both parties, really.
But, um... yeah, to be healing.
I'm almost certified.
You wanna jump on my table, Joe?
- Never in a million years.
- (Hawk laughing)
Yeah...
I really love you, Joe.
What do you love about me, Hawk?
I like how honest you are
about what you're feeling.
Well,
in the pursuit of honesty...
Who wants a house tour?
Would you like to see more?
There's so much more.
- (Hawk) I do.
- (Angela) Great.
- (Hawk) Yeah. I definitely do.
- (Joe) Yeah.
I'm actually gonna smoke
a joint. I've seen the place.
(Angela) What? Now?
Joe! No!
Can I come with you?
- (Joe) Really?
- Yeah. Can I?
- (Joe) Sure. Totally.
- You gonna go up to the roof?
I thought I'd just, you know,
maybe go in my office.
That's cool, right? Unless
you have a problem with that.
- No. Yeah. Yeah.
- Cool. Right?
- Cool. Yeah. Cool. Yeah.
- So, yeah. Yeah. Cool, right?
- Cool. Yeah. Let's go.
- Uh...
Do you wanna open a window
'cause... you know.
- (Joe) Yeah, sure.
- Great.
A lot of stuff in here.
(Hawk) What do you got
other than this?
- You saw this.
- Copenhagen Designs.
Oh, if you like...
Let's... Here.
We'll start in here.
I wanna show you...
- You spend a lot of time here.
- I do. You can tell?
- Yes, I can.
- Yeah, it's...
It's a little messy.
I'm usually...
um, you know,
usually alone in here.
There you go. (Chuckles)
There you go. (Chuckles)
But chaos...
Biggest sign of creativity.
Really? Good. Great.
It means you're focused
on more important things.
Oh, you know, that's...
That's how I like
to think of it. Not sure...
Not sure Angela would
agree with that.
She purges things.
Disgusting in here. (Chuckles)
(Angela) I actually did
all of this grouting myself,
which I love.
I... I find it meditative.
Joe thinks I'm insane.
And then the floor... I mean,
I'm sure this is something
- you might have picked up.
- (Hawk) No.
No?
- Original ceramic penny tile.
- (Hawk) Wow.
(Angela)
Anyway, that was
sort of similar
to what was there before.
But that was kind of
what I was going for with the...
The whole theme was, um...
renovation without change,
which I think I succeeded in,
you know,
just to keep it original,
but with a new surface.
I mean, admittedly,
I know a lot less about tile
than I've learned about rugs,
and a lot of the bathrooms
that I've seen
- have been on fire, so, my...
- Oh, no.
...my relationship with them
was fleeting.
But, um, I'd have just said
this was an immaculately
preserved vintage...
...bathroom.
Wow. Um, that's
what I was going for. That's...
- (Hawk) You fooled me.
- Wow! (Laughs)
- Oh! Facebook marketplace.
- (Hawk) Come on.
The jamn is not...
is not jamn.
- (Joe) That's not jamn?
- No, it's really prosciutto.
- (Joe) It's prosciutto?
- Which is OK.
It doesn't look like jamn.
It looks like prosciutto.
(Pia) But I didn't wanna
say anything.
No, yeah, don't.
If you told her
that wasn't jamn,
she would commit suicide
in our dining room.
I'm telling you that right now.
She can't take it.
She could not take that.
- More?
- (Chuckling)
- (Joe) You good?
- No, no.
Like, I... I don't want more
because then...
If I have more than one hit,
I start counting objects,
and I can't stop,
and imagine what that
would be like in here.
(Joe) You start counting
objects? (Laughing)
I've never heard of that.
We'd lose you for the rest
of your life. (Laughing)
Exactly.
Exactly. What is this?
(Joe) It's...
It's for a xylophone.
Exactly.
You figured it out.
It's intuitive, ultimately.
There's only one of those,
so you're OK.
Figured it out. (Laughing)
This is actually, um...
This is where the two
apartments were combined.
And you can just see the...
'cause it's a bit thicker there,
that that's where they, um...
where there used to be
a separation.
- A wall.
- Wall! (Laughs)
That was...
what they call a wall.
The technical term is "wall".
We literally
are just that much, so...
Oh, right,
'cause you guys are...
- Yeah, yeah. It's so lucky.
- Huh!
Well, so, this is Maggie's room,
and I actually did...
I did all the stenciling,
and she's probably
a little old for it now.
I'm probably gonna
have to change it, but I...
- No, it's cute.
- Yeah, it's... Yeah.
- The carpeting is...
- (Grunts)
- Oh!
- Wow.
- Oh.
- God. That's so good.
- Oh!
- Is that, like, Larry Salton?
Oh, no. No. No, no.
That... That is me.
- You took it?
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Wow! Do you work
as a photographer?
(Laughs) No.
No, I went to art school,
like, a million years ago,
and I got a degree
I did literally nothing with,
and that is from then.
I mean, I think...
you know, you...
Your creativity
is all over this place.
I think you're really talented.
Thank you.
What about this?
Oh, that's, no, 'cause that...
That's the bedroom, which is...
- What's going on in here?
- Yeah.
No, I know, I didn't...
I didn't...
It's... not part of the tour.
(Laughs)
- It's a pretty important room.
- Yeah... Yeah.
Yes. He is a fireman.
(Joe) He's really
a fireman? Yeah.
How long
have you been with him?
Uh... one year.
A little less than one year.
- (Joe) One year. That's it?
- Mm.
(Joe) Oh, wow.
Would've thought longer.
I was married before.
- (Joe) Really?
- Yeah.
(Joe) Interesting.
How did you meet the fireman?
He was my patient.
He was your patient?
And then you started dating him?
Pia!
This was Joe's parents' house.
- Oh, wow.
- Yeah.
- He grew up here?
- He grew up here.
Yeah. He was conceived
right here.
- On this bed?
- No. No, no, different bed.
- Oh, good. Yeah.
- Different mattress.
- Different bed.
- Parental fluids is, like,
a little bit too intimate,
maybe.
I mean, he hates...
hates people knowing this,
- so don't...
- Why?
Because, I mean, we could
never in a million years
afford this place.
No shame in that. Like, nobody
in America can afford anything.
Yeah, but he just...
He really...
- It's a bit... eezzz!
- That's crazy.
- Yeah, it's not a...
- It's such a gift. I mean...
- Just...
- Well, that's what I think.
- Make it positive, you know?
- Yeah.
Be grateful and lean into it.
Make it your own, you know?
- Yeah.
- So much pleasure in that.
Yeah...
Yeah.
Can I ask you something?
Sure.
I just... I have a...
I have a decision to make,
and I...
I feel like you might be able
to help me make it.
I mean, if I can, yeah.
Wait, did you
leave your husband for Hawk?
- Is that what happened?
- No, no, no. I didn't.
That relationship was over
when I met him.
How did you know
that, uh... it was over,
if you don't mind me asking?
'Cause we stopped having sex,
then we stopped talking.
Then we were strangers.
People... people forget
that they deserve more.
You know?
They start living on migajas.
- Crumbs.
- Crumbs. Yeah.
And I cannot live like that.
I'd rather die.
I think you really
just have to listen to
what is your heart
kind of pulling you toward,
what vision of yourself?
You know?
I mean, do you see yourself
walking on a cold beach
alone with the wind in your face
and the clarity of that?
Or sitting on a southern porch
in the heat,
holding hands and getting old...
...or...
...sitting in a Copenhagen caf
with a stranger?
- I'd go with Copenhagen.
- (Laughs)
I feel the same way. I...
For some reason,
I knew that you would feel that.
It seems so clear
now that we're here
looking at it. I, uh...
You're so right. It's...
It was right there
the whole time.
God! Thank you.
- You didn't need an opinion.
- I did, though. I needed you.
- You just needed...
- No, you don't understand.
It's been months of this.
I've been tortured, and...
You just needed someone to
tell you what you already knew.
Yeah.
Joe just...
He thinks they all look
the same. He... yeah.
- Is... Is he color blind?
- He might be.
- That man's name is Hawk.
- Shh!
There's worse birds.
Could've been worse.
Just know that
at the end of the day -
of all the birds,
it's a pretty cool one.
"What is your name?"
"My name is Pigeon."
(Joe) "I'm Pigeon." (Laughs)
Shh! No, I...
Please, this is torture.
I cannot laugh at his name.
I'm sorry. How dare I?
"This is my boyfriend, Pelican.
- "He's a sweetheart."
- (Pia laughing)
And I grabbed a tank,
and I went back in,
and the dog was
where they said it would be.
And that's when I ran out of air
because I had grabbed
an empty tank.
Oh, God! Oh, no.
Yeah. So, I just...
I sucked a lot of smoke,
and I burned my lungs
and my throat.
Oh, wow. Wow.
- And then it was time to quit.
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
But... you know what?
Life's been so expansive
since then
that I kind of can't believe
that I did it
as long as I did it.
And now... rugs.
- Rugs.
- Rugs.
Yeah.
- I love them so much.
- I love them, too.
- It's a problem.
- Yeah, I know.
'Cause I...
I just want all of them.
- I want all... the rugs.
- ...the rugs.
(Laughing)
- Same.
- Yeah.
Have you...
Have you got tequila?
Do... I do have tequila!
I have.
- Would you like some?
- Yeah.
- Yes. OK. Yeah. Yeah.
- Please. I mean...
- They're smoking a joint.
- Right?
- We better catch up, right?
- Yeah.
I'm just gonna go
to the bathroom real quick.
(Exhales sharply)
These are beautiful!
Thanks.
They're silly. They're old.
- They're, uh...
- No, they are beautiful.
- They are interesting.
- Thank you.
- Yeah. Appreciate it.
- Look, I have this one.
Oh, wow, nice! Sun.
I... I have this one.
- Sorry, I want you to see...
- Take your time.
They're two in one, or... Yeah.
- Oh, wow!
- OK. What is that?
- It's two birds.
- Pia and Hawk.
Pia and Hawk.
Look at the that! That's nice.
I like that. (Chuckles)
So, when did you get them?
- When you were in that band?
- I did, yeah.
Pretty old. Long time ago.
Twenty...
Twenty years ago, maybe.
- That's, uh...
- Oh!
- Yeah.
- Wow.
You know, um...
you should replace this.
It's really dangerous.
This old single-pane stuff.
It'll shatter
with even a little bit of heat.
Oh, there's no risk of that.
This is a very cold apartment.
There's not a lot of...
- Mm.
- There's not a lot of heat.
You never know.
- Tequila.
- Tequila.
- Yeah.
- Yes. Tequila.
Can you do something for me?
Probably. Yeah.
Please play something.
- (Laughs)
- One song. Just one.
I love music. Please.
- Please.
- I... (Chuckles)
I... I should check on Angela.
Make sure she didn't forget
how to breathe.
You know what I mean?
(Pia) Joe, have you met
the new neighbors?
Yeah... They're really cool,
actually. Yeah.
They, uh... make no small talk
whatsoever in the elevator.
- They talk with us.
- Oh, they do?
I bet they do.
That's shocking.
(Hawk) They're pretty sweet
when you get to know 'em.
Joe, put on some music.
Yeah! Putting it on.
Uh, yeah, what kind of music
are you into, Hawk?
Like... what is Sade?
- "What is Sade"?
- She loves that.
Sexy-world-funk.
- (Hawk) That's not jazz?
- (Joe) No!
(Pia) No, that's not jazz.
(Hawk) I mean,
there's a lot of saxophones.
(Joe) No, Sade is not jazz.
Are you kidding me?
- It's like...
- (Hawk) Well, listen, then...
Metallica and Judas Priest.
(Joe) You don't know
any jazz at all?
- Oh, who doesn't love Sade?
- (Hawk) I really wanna learn.
Where should I start?
(Joe) Miles Davis.
John Coltrane. Dizzy Gillespie.
(Hawk) Miles with the cheeks
that go out?
(Joe) Actually, I feel
like at this point in your life,
you have to work harder
to not know who Miles Davis is
- than to know who he is.
- (Hawk) Oh! Oh!
He-Hey! Literally,
look what I just pulled.
(Joe) No, no, no.
- (Pia) You have to play it.
- (Hawk) Can we play just a...
- "One Girl."
- (Pia) Play it. Play it.
Come on. This is
your love story right here.
No! No, no, no, no.
- (Pia) Yes, I want to hear it.
- (Joe) Don't put it on.
- Come on.
- Don't put it on.
- (Hawk) Just give us a taste.
- Don't put it on!
(Hawk) We've got the artist,
and we've got the girl.
(Clattering)
- No?
- No.
Hey, sorry.
I'm sorry.
You know what? Um...
We actually shouldn't
listen to music right now.
There's something I've been
wanting to talk to you about.
Oh, my God.
You have to try this.
- Wow!
- Isn't that good?
Oh, my God.
- It's incredible.
- (Pia) I can't be objective,
but my flan is the best.
- (Angela) It's unbelievable.
- Like a silky crack cocaine.
It's so good.
And it melts in your mouth.
(Angela)
Yeah, it's so delicious.
- Anyway, I was about to say...
- No! My God! Have more! Mm!
Second bite is when it really
just... settles in,
- just slides down.
- It's great. Look, anyway...
God, it's got such sauce in it!
- I need to talk to you about...
- Let's have shots, right?
Should we do shots?
I think we should have a toast.
- Sure.
- Yes.
I think shots for everybody.
- (Pia) Thank you.
- Yeah.
Anyway, the noise
has been a thing that...
...we want to apologize for.
Because it's been loud,
and it took longer...
It took longer than we thought,
and you guys have been so kind,
and we just wanted to say
thank you and sorry.
- (Hawk) You're so nice. Look...
- Yes.
- We're all neighbors...
- Yes.
- ...and we really...
- (Pia) Salud.
And gracias.
We're just so happy that
you invited us and grateful.
And actually,
we also have something
we wanted to talk to you about.
You also want to talk to us?
That's a funny coincidence.
We both had things
we wanted to say to each other.
- It's nothing bad. Nothing bad.
- No?
I think something's
on Joe's mind.
I do have something on my mind.
I actually do.
(Hawk)
I feel like since we came...
(Angela)
You guys have something.
No, they have something to say.
You guys should go.
- Say it. We're all friends.
- No, you first!
You are the guests,
and you should go first.
You guys go,
and then I'll go right after.
I don't care.
It doesn't matter to me.
All right. Well, um...
we wanted to apologize.
(Pia) Yes.
- You wanted to apologize?
- To us?
For what?
We feel
we might have bothered you.
- (Angela) Bothered us?
- On more than...
more than one occasion,
actually.
What? When?
(Hawk) Um... at night, usually,
and specifically,
and sometimes
late in the night.
What?
- (Joe) Hmm...
- When we have sex.
- You?
- (Pia) Yes.
- We... We do have sex a lot.
- A lot.
Yeah. I mean... yeah.
And we really try
to keep it down,
but sometimes...
- Lately...
- Lately, it's been...
It's been really impossible
not to lose control.
Even for a fireman.
- (Hawk) A firefighter.
- Firefighter.
We know we've been too loud,
and we know it was intrusive,
and we're sorry.
And we're gonna be...
- more conscientious.
- Yes.
- Better neighbors.
- (Angela) Oh, my God. No.
You guys don't have...
No! We have not heard anything.
Honestly,
we haven't heard anything.
We... It hasn't even...
What? Right, Joe?
We haven't heard anything,
right?
No, we actually haven't heard
anything, so...
No need to apologize. I...
I sleep like a log, you know?
- (Angela) Log...
- Yeah.
- Joe.
- What?
- Joe?
- Yes?
Joe...
- (Joe) What?
- (Both speaking Spanish)
(Joe) What, Hawk?
- Joe.
- What?
- (Hawk) Don't... don't lie.
- Not lying.
Joe, you've been
telling the truth all night.
I... I love
when you tell the truth.
I... I love it. Tell the truth.
Telling the truth.
What do you want from me?
- You're not telling the truth.
- I am telling the truth.
- Joe.
- (Joe) What?
- We know. It bothers you.
- It doesn't bother me.
It doesn't. Look... Don't...
I hate to burst your bubble.
Maybe your sex isn't
as explosive as you think it is
'cause I've never heard it,
OK?
(Pia) Joe, we know.
You knocked on our door
during the night.
Joe!
- You were pounding on our door.
- No, I didn't.
(Pia) We saw you.
We have a ring camera.
No. No, you don't.
- It's hidden.
- (Joe) Where?
-In our mirilla.
- What's a midea?
- In our peephole.
- The peephole.
- (Joe) They don't make that.
- It's a ring peephole.
- (Joe) That's not a thing.
- It's a new thing.
- (Joe) When did that come out?
- A peephole ring.
Show him.
- Show him. Do you wanna see it?
- (Joe) I don't need to see it.
It sends an alert
through the app to our phone,
and, um... you know, it flags it
if it senses aggression,
and so it spooked us at first.
But look, um... there.
There he comes.
(Joe) Maybe it's grainy footage
and you think it's me.
It's 4K. It's not misty at all.
Look, look.
Someone that looks like me,
but... Oh, shit!
(Hawk) Yeah.
(Pia) Sorry, Joe.
(Hawk) He almost walked away,
- but...
- (Joe) You can turn it off.
I can't believe you.
I cannot believe you!
Well, but it's good.
It was three in the morning.
You were so polite that you
stopped to heed and listen...
- (Angela) What are you doing?
- ...closely.
- But then, uh...
- (Angela) Oh, my God. Joe!
(Hawk) Someone left packages
in the hall.
- Oh, my God!
- We thought you broke an arm,
and you had to be
full of bruises.
Just turn it o...
Turn it... Look!
OK, you know what?
Yes! Yes!
I banged on your door
because you people are fucking
like monsters over there.
What are you doing?
What are you trying to prove?
Are you trying to win a contest
or something?
It's incredibly inconsiderate!
What are you doing?
Don't say that.
Don't speak to them that way.
I'm so sorry.
(Joe) Our daughter can hear it.
Did you know that?
She can hear it.
And I've been telling her you're
moving furniture up there,
and she knows it's not true.
She's onto me.
We spend
so much time and energy
talking about
your fucking orgasms.
It's ridiculous.
- You talk about my orgasms?
- Yes, but not as a bad thing.
They're not bad.
They're great. I love them.
Really?
You love my orgasms?
I do. I love them.
- (Joe) She really does.
- I do. I think they're great.
- We talk about them constantly.
- They're amazing.
(Joe) She especially likes
the growler.
Are you the growler, Pia?
'Cause she loves the growler.
No, no, no, no.
No, Pia's not a growler.
(Angela) Oh, you're...
You're the growler?
(Hawk) No.
- Uh...
- It's Vanessa.
Vanessa is the growler.
Vanessa?
Vanessa...
Wait, who's Vanessa?
- A friend.
- Oh, yeah.
Kai is a pretty big guy,
and he does breathe heavily.
That could be what you're
calling animalistic noises.
- Kai.
- Kai is...
- Who's Kai?
- Another friend.
Oh, Kai's another friend.
Vanessa and Kai.
Vanessa lives
in Nevada City with Kai.
Are you fucking with us
right now?
Is this a joke? Are you guys
fucking around with us?
Is this what you're whispering
to each other in Spanish?
No. We know you are upset,
and you have every right to be.
We've had a few parties.
Things have gotten
a little more crazy.
(Hawk) Out of hand.
(Angela) Parties...
Like, cocktail parties?
(Joe) Soires?
What are you talking about?
- (Angela) What parties?
- Sex parties.
- (Angela) Oh...
- Sex parties!
- Right. That's like, uh...
- Parties where people...
- ...have sex.
- ...have sex with each other.
- Sex.
- I think...
that's the commonly understood
definition of a sex party.
(Joe) It's the only one
I can think of. Honestly.
I can't think of another one.
And we really apologize.
(Angela) No. What?
No, you don't have to.
That's not...
No, we're not judging.
That's... You don't...
Joe, where's that J?
- That J?
- The J you were...
- Did you leave that in there?
- The J? I...
- It is in my office.
- OK, I'll help you.
Why don't you come with me to...
- Yeah, no problem.
- ...to get that J? Yeah.
- (Joe muttering)
- (Angela) Oh, my God!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
This is amazing.
They're having sex parties
up there.
I was right.
That wasn't normal sex.
- (Indistinct whispering)
- You knew it. You knew it.
They are fucking
like monsters up there.
They actually are.
Kai, Vanessa...
This is amazing.
This is actually amazing.
Oh, my God.
Vanessa's the growler.
I take it all back. We should
invite more people over.
- (Joe) Hello.
- (Hawk) We good?
- (Joe) Yeah.
- OK.
- Sex parties.
- Yeah. The sex parties.
Just... paint a picture.
Disclose what you will
about this.
(Pia) What do you want to know?
Whatever you wanna tell us.
Yeah.
They... They started recently.
- OK. Really?
- Oh! Oh...
- It's a recent development.
- It's new to you. Neat.
The noise uptick
probably came
'cause once we started
bringing people in,
our bedroom was too small,
so we moved
into the living room.
- Overflow. Yeah.
- I got it.
That's why the sound
kind of reverberates
through the apartment.
(Angela) And it's happening
just right on the floor?
No, uh...
- Furniture, rugs...
- Sofa.
That's why you're so into rugs.
You love a rug.
(Hawk) I love this
for different reasons.
You have a close relationship
with them.
(Hawk) This really
would be pretty uncomfortable.
Yeah, you need
a high pile, I imagine.
OK. Wait! Just... more.
So, how...
How does it work?
Like, how do you get invited?
Or do you invite people, and...
Maybe there's no rules.
- Are there rules?
- Parameters?
Can anyone do anything
to anyone?
- Is it a free for all?
- No.
For starters, you've gotta have
consent, obviously.
- (Angela) Oh, yeah.
- Enthusiastic consent.
And the connection has to be
about joy, about expansion.
It can never be about anger,
never about revenge.
- And patience.
- Patience.
Because, you know,
some people,
they gotta find
their own entry point.
- Entry point.
- (Angela) Well...
- How did it begin?
- Yeah.
Yeah, like, take us back.
Yeah, what's day one
of this like?
I've always been bi-curious.
- Mm.
- (Pia) For me,
the pleasure I get from being
with a woman is different.
Yeah.
- Mm... Me too.
- Right.
- And then Kai and...
- (Joe) Valerie.
- Va... Vanessa!
- (Joe) Vanessa!
Were you guys friends,
or did you...
Did you meet on an app?
We're pretty negative
on the apps.
Really? Interesting.
Swipe right, swipe left.
It just seems very impersonal.
Yeah, it's impersonal.
- You don't want to gamify.
- (Angela) Sure.
We like to meet people
in person, like, eye to eye,
like, organic, real connection,
you know?
There are conventions.
Oh, yes. That's good.
Because you do, you need rules.
You need some boundaries.
No, no, I mean...
there are actual conventions.
- Oh, wow.
- Like at a Sandals?
- Yes.
- Oh, wow.
(Pia) Conventions
are very important.
- They also offer you a menu.
- (Joe) Oh, a menu!
A menu.
A menu of things you're into.
That's good. I like
it's organized. I like a menu.
- You do love a menu.
- That's nice.
- You do like organization.
- That's great.
When you engage with someone,
you already know what they want.
They have already sent
their preferences in advance.
It's like "Below Deck."
It's like a preference sheet
on "Below Deck."
It's a reality show.
- It's about yachts.
- You're speaking our language.
We get it.
We get it now.
Honestly, I think
maybe the best thing
about group sex is,
it forces total clarity
of communication.
Not the best thing,
I wouldn't imagine. (Laughs)
- The sex is probably better.
- The clear communication.
What happens
if no one picks you?
It's like gym class -
you get chosen last,
you gotta jerk off alone
in the corner or something?
- I feel like that'd be me.
- (Angela) No!
- (Hawk) It's not like that.
- Don't worry.
You would be chosen.
- Yeah!
- But yeah, how does that work?
(Hawk) No, no one gets excluded.
You know? I mean...
Obviously,
anyone's free to watch
if they don't want
to participate.
All right, but... jealousy!
No one gets...? You don't...
You don't get jealous?
There's no jealousy?
I think jealousy is
a natural animalistic instinct,
but you have to replace it.
We practice compersion.
- Compression?
- Compersion.
- (Joe) Compersion?
- (Pia) Compersion.
Compersion
is all about finding joy
in the joy of others.
- Wow! That would be... great.
- Hard to wrap your head around.
And for me,
there's nothing better
than watching my partner
in the hands of another.
Wow!
(Joe) Beautiful.
(Angela) Oh, God.
That's nice.
- (Joe) Super nice.
- Wow. So healthy.
- I feel healthy just seeing it.
- That's...
And, you know,
I love this.
I love that it's you
and your friends.
It's like the four of you
get together.
Four is such a good number.
Yeah, it's round.
- Sometimes...
- No more than six.
- (Joe) Six?
- Six people?
Six is a lot. That's why
it's so loud up there.
- Yeah... six.
- (Laughs) Yeah.
(Hawk) We did go bigger
last weekend.
That doesn't count because
it was a special occasion.
It was Vanessa's birthday.
Wow!
Well, a birthday's a birthday.
Gotta celebrate the good things
in life, I guess, right?
Yeah, and she wanted to have
ten people, so...
Ten people.
Are you fucking kidding me?
- Holy shit! Oh, my God!
- Ten?
- We rented a house in Bolinas.
- (Joe) Oh, nice!
- Really nice. So foggy, and...
- (Joe) Really lovely, yeah.
- (Hawk) We were so energized.
- (Pia) So energized.
You feel superhuman.
- Honestly, it was...
- It was a high.
It was, for me,
the best in my life.
It was the best experience
that we've had. It really was.
- God!
- (Joe) Wow. God bless you.
- Vanessa must be great.
- (Joe) Yeah.
Is she just, like...
I'm imagining just like a...
like a ball of youthful energy.
- Is she just, like, young...?
- No, Vanessa's very mature.
She's old?
- No, I wouldn't say she's...
- (Pia) Well, she's...
That means she's really old
if you don't know. (Laughs)
- She's old.
- (Hawk) No...
Older...
Next time you're in there,
count the rings.
(Hawk)
A veteran in our group.
She's the most experienced
person in our...
(Joe) She's an oldie,
but a goodie.
I've learned so much
from that woman.
She knows everything
about the depth of tantric sex.
- Oh.
- Not jizzing. Like Sting.
She got me to hold onto my chi.
- (Joe) Wow.
- She pushed us into anal.
- Pushed you into anal?
- Into anal.
(Hawk)
It's not for everybody, but...
I hope she pushed you gently.
- We did really like it.
- I do love anal.
Yeah. Who doesn't?
Who doesn't love anal?
- (Joe) Holidays, weekends...
- Special occasions.
- (Joe) Yeah.
- But I love giving it.
(Angela and Joe) Oh!
And I don't wanna speak for him,
but he loves receiving it.
- Oh!
- (Hawk) I actually really do.
I get a lot of value out of it.
Pegging! That's... Podcast!
That's what that is, right?
- You wear a...
- (Pia) A strap-on.
- A strap-on.
- Oh, wow! Cool.
Vanessa likes a handheld device.
Wow.
But it's not really
about penetration.
I mean, it is a little.
No, it's not really
about penetration.
- It's about surrender.
- Oh.
Yeah, you just gotta
surrender that body.
(Joe) Yeah.
Surrender that bod.
Just give it.
'Cause sex is not
a thing you do.
It's a place you go.
Is the place Hawk's butthole?
- Sometimes (Laughing)
- (Joe) On birthdays.
Wow! And the menu thing is cool
because anyone who has a fantasy
can just order.
The menu is amazing.
You've got bondage,
you've got role playing,
you've got...
- DP. You have...
- DP?
DP. Uh...
double penetration, right?
I mean, I'm assuming...
Is that not...?
- It's on the menu.
- I don't do that.
- No.
- We don't. We...
Porn tropes don't tend to be
our group's thing.
- But it is on the menu.
- Don't wanna be tropey.
Hey, it's on the menu.
- Yeah. I mean, I just...
- It's on the menu.
Might not... I'm just saying.
We don't have to judge it.
It's something that
some people might have on there.
- Double penetration.
- Double penetration.
You were listing other stuff.
Hey, you're a fireman
who likes to be pegged, so...
- Firefighter.
- Firefighter.
He loves to be pegged.
- So, fair point, fair point.
- Yes.
I'm just, yeah...
Honestly, like...
This is not
how I was expecting this to go.
And I...
I honestly feel like
I have much more insight
into what the fuck
is going on up there,
and I feel better about it
'cause it's not...
you know, your run-of-the-mill
married people sex.
I guess it is
something exceptional
happening above our heads.
- Yes.
- Thank you for telling us.
And I guess ultimately, just...
you know,
maybe try to keep it down.
If you have another big birthday
or holiday, Arbor Day,
maybe go to Bolinas again.
Get an Airbnb. Thank you.
Thank you for being
so understanding
and accepting and so warm.
- We accept. We are accepting.
- My new friends!
- Thank you.
- Guys!
- That's very sweet.
- (Angela) I love this.
This is so lovely.
I know we haven't
hung out a lot,
but you guys have seemed
cool and progressive.
We are, yeah. I mean,
I'm an independent, technically.
- But no, we're pretty, uh...
- Not like the Anavias.
No, we're more...
They're single penetration.
- They don't seem very open.
- Not at all.
Exactly.
You guys, when you stop
fighting, you're really funny.
We are... pretty chill.
(Hawk) I knew Angela was cool,
but Joe, I... I didn't...
- I wasn't sure.
- Oh, yeah?
- Getting to hang out now, I...
- Thanks.
I don't know,
I really appreciate it.
How'd you know
she was so cool?
- Because I'm cool. I'm cool!
- Oh, yeah.
- (Hawk) There's this thing...
- (Pia) Look at this face.
- And the window thing.
- Pia knows I'm cool.
- The what? The window thing?
- (Speaks Spanish)
- What window thing?
- No...
What window thing?
What window thing
are you talking about?
Angela likes to be looked at
naked in the window sometimes.
You've seen my wife naked?
No, not in person.
Not in person.
She likes to walk around...
through the window.
Just through the window.
It's a little cute ritual
she does.
(Chuckles awkwardly)
What the fuck?
- What is he talking about?
- (Angela) Nothing.
- What is he talking about?
- (Angela) Nothing, nothing.
Tell me
what he is talking about.
That might have happened,
like, once by accident.
- I don't... This is...
- (Hawk) I mean,
it happened more than once,
but...
Word on the street is
it was more than once.
(Hawk) Is this a big deal?
Why do I feel like
everyone knows something here,
except for me?
I want you to come here
and explain to me
what the fuck is going on,
please.
- You want me to explain?
- I would love that.
- I will explain myself, Joe.
- Please do.
The first time,
I was coming outta the shower...
The first time!
...I was nude, and I was
on my way to the living room,
and I looked up, and he saw me,
and I saw him seeing me,
and then I kept going.
That is exactly what happened.
Will you shut the fuck up,
Hawk?
And then since then,
after I shower,
I walk past knowing
that he might be watching me.
My God, it's a little sick
ritual you guys have together?
It is. It is like a little
ritual that I actually enjoy
because it makes me feel good,
because I do in fact
like to be looked at naked, Joe.
- Is that OK?
- No, it's not OK.
Why would that be OK?
It's not like
I'm looking at him in the eyes.
I've never made eye contact.
- No, never once.
- Who gives a fuck?
What does that have to do
with anything?
- That is a huge deal.
- No, it isn't.
I don't care about that at all!
Do you even care?
You barely look at me.
I don't even understand
why you're upset.
So, this is somehow my fault.
That's fucking crazy!
That's why you don't want
curtains on the window,
so the fireman
can see your fucking tits.
This is fucked, Angela.
But Joe, it's not fucked.
It's not. It's not.
How is this not fucked?
Please enlighten me
and say how this isn't fucked.
I think what she's doing
is great.
It's actually very helpful.
- For whom?
- For her!
And for us. Women.
You know how many women let go
of their erotic aspirations
for good?
You know how difficult it is,
what she's doing,
that she's trying to connect
with that part
that she had lost?
Good for you.
- Thank you.
- (Joe) Bravo. Great work.
- Very important work.
- Fuck you! It is important.
Hope you got a fucking Pulitzer
for this shit.
- It is important.
- Yeah?
Yes. What do we all want?
Be honest.
To desire, to be desired.
Maybe that's why you look
at my boobs in the elevator
- every time I see you.
- Oh... (Laughs) Really?
Joe looks at your boobs
in the elevator.
-I'm so sorry, Pia.
-No.
Really, Joe? Wow!
He thinks I don't notice,
but I do.
It's like a little game
we have, right?
Such a fucking hypocrite.
I don't... I don't...
They're out there sometimes.
- They're hard not to see.
- Let me ask you something.
When you look at my boobs,
do they seem - my boobs -
do they seem
out of reach to you?
No, it's a small elevator.
I could just grab 'em
if I wanted.
- That's not what I'm asking.
- What are you asking?
Do you feel worthy
of desiring them?
I've never thought about that
for one fucking second.
Do me a favor. Please look
at my boobs right now.
- What is happening right now?
- Look at them. Look at them.
(Joe) I don't want to
right now.
- (Pia) Look!
- (Angela) Look at them.
- (Angela) Joe, look at them.
- (Joe) I don't wanna right now.
- (Angela) Don't be rude.
- It's fine. You just enjoy it.
Don't be rude! Look at them.
I don't wanna look at them.
I don't...
Why are you teaming up on me,
for God's sakes?
Look, I'm not a sicko like you.
I ain't gonna look at another
man's wife's fucking tits
to jerk off to, OK?
I'm normal.
- Who's doing that?
- You're doing that.
- Who?
- (Joe) You!
- When?
- Every morning, apparently.
What? No. I...
I make love to Pia.
I tell her about Angela
when I see her,
and she likes it.
It's our thing.
Oh, you guys talk about me
when you're...
- Yes, my love, of course we do.
- Yeah.
(Angela chuckling) Oh...
Really?
(Pia) A lot.
(Angela) Wow!
I see what's happening
right now, Angela.
- What?
- This whole thing was a setup.
You planned this whole
fucking thing right now.
- What are you talking about?
- Holy shit!
The cheese,
the souffl and the meat,
and you didn't tell me
they were coming.
You were trying to have
a threesome with these people.
You knew they were fucking
other people up there,
and you planned
this whole thing.
This is fucking crazy,
even for you, Angela.
What the fuck, Joe!
I was just trying
to have a nice night
with some fucking
wine and cheese.
What are you talking about?
You wanna all fuck each other!
You've been plotting
this whole thing behind my back.
- Stop laughing at me.
- (Hawk) Joe. Joe.
- Joe...
- (Joe) What?
That is not
what has been happening.
- No? Then what?
- (Pia) No, of course not.
(Hawk) Did we ever
talk to Angela about this?
- Never.
- (Hawk) Never. Never.
I mean, it's... It is sort of
why we came down here, but...
(Speaking Spanish)
Do not speak Spanish.
Stop it.
(Speaking Spanish)
Stop speaking Spanish!
(Speaking Spanish)
OK. OK. OK.
Joe, Angela...
Um...
We did come down here tonight
to invite you.
- Invite us...?
- To join us.
Join you for...
- For sex.
- ...sex.
- Sex.
- For group sex.
What else?
- Us?
- Yes.
- Me?
- (Pia) Both of you.
Both of who?
- Both of you.
- Including me?
Yeah, both...
Both of you means you.
- Did you hear that, Joe?
- I did.
- Angela, did you hear that?
- (Angela) Sure did.
You heard that, too?
All right.
We've been talking about this
for quite a while, actually.
Oh?
We feel a very strong connection
with you guys.
OK.
(Hawk) We were getting signals,
you know, in the window.
- OK.
- (Hawk) In the elevator.
They seem to be
very warm signals.
- Signals we liked. So...
- Wow!
(Hawk) That's what
this has been about.
OK?
That is so nice.
Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Oh, say thank you, Joe.
- Thank you.
- Thank you. Very flattering.
- Feel very complimented.
- Mm-hmm.
We find you
very, very attractive.
- Thank you.
- We talk about you.
I know.
You talk about my orgasms.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- (Joe chuckling) A lot.
- We really do. Yeah.
- (Pia) OK.
I think, um...
even before we came down,
we said you guys have
a real quiet sex appeal.
So do you two, too... as well.
- I wouldn't say it was quiet.
- No.
(Laughing)
So, we want to propose to you
that we share a sexual
experience together. OK?
Just to be clear...
You, you, her... and me?
- (Pia) Yes.
- Me too?
- (Pia) Yes, also you.
- OK.
- (Pia) Yes.
- OK.
But, but, but... it doesn't
have to be tonight, OK?
- Oh... Right.
- (Pia) No pressure.
- (Hawk) But it could be.
- Could be tonight.
- I brought condoms and...
- (Joe) Condoms!
Wow!
- It's like it's pre 9/11.
- Wow!
How do...
Hypothetically speaking,
like, if this were something
that we were to consider
proceeding with...
Yeah, how would this shake down?
What would the procedural
protocol be, technically?
- The procedural protocol?
- Yeah.
- Just... to know.
- Just to know.
Just so we could, yeah...
I mean, that's
what we were talking about.
Right! Just, like,
to recap really quick.
Just, specifically,
how would this work?
We can all be together.
- We can watch you.
- You don't wanna do that.
We could, um... obviously swap.
- (Angela) Uh-huh.
- Swap. A little swaparoo.
Sometimes it helps to...
to add a neutral element.
Like a referee.
(Speaking Spanish)
Carolina...
No Pepe, no Thomas.
Think I'm with Hawk on this one.
No Pepe, no Thomas.
- I think...
- Yeah.
- It's whatever we want...
- Whatever you want.
- ...and whenever.
- Whenever.
Consider it an open invite.
- All right.
- Right.
But tonight, again,
tonight is on the table.
OK.
Weeknights are tough
because of Maggie.
Weekends... also tough.
I'm actually training
for a half-marathon.
They're inviting us to an orgy,
and you're giving them
your Google calendar?
You overthink everything!
You're overthinking this
as well.
At least I'm brave enough
to get into scheduling.
You've literally offered me
no logistical help.
- I'll do this.
- Oh, really?
I'll schedule it for right now.
I'll fuck you guys right now.
Incredible how unsexy you're
managing to make this moment!
OK, OK, OK,
I'm... I'm getting worried.
- (Joe) Why?
- Yeah, because... hmm...!
As horny as I am right now,
I just...
We cannot do this
from an angry place.
- No, no, no. We're not angry.
- I'm actually not angry.
This is me happy.
You just haven't seen it yet.
I don't think
you guys are there.
We're there.
I can't speak for him,
but personally, I'm very there.
I feel very good about this.
I feel there.
- I would actually do this.
- I would do this.
- You would actually do this?
- Yeah. Do you wanna do this?
- I would do this.
- We're doing this.
I think we would do this.
If this connection is not coming
from a healthy place...
- Very healthy!
- We are in need of expansion.
I think it'd be very healthy
for us on an emotional level,
just in a positive way.
- That's a good reason.
- That is a good reason.
- Everyone's a little buzzed.
- Yeah.
- Feeling good, feeling loose.
- They're good reasons.
- We haven't eaten too much.
- Right.
We have
relatively empty stomachs.
Yeah,
and Maggie's not home.
I'm sorry. I just mean
it's, like, a good time
because it's a free time.
It's a good time for us.
I'd say there's, uh...
- no time like ahora.
- Yeah.
- (Angela) Ahora.
- Ahora.
- (Hawk) I'm good with ahora.
- (Angela) Yeah!
- Ahora.
- Definitely ahora.
Yeah.
I don't think this is the night
for all of us together.
- Right.
- Fuck!
But we could try
to connect separately.
Oh?
- Yeah.
- All right.
- (Angela) Yeah.
- OK.
- Joe.
- (Joe) Yes?
How would you feel about
spending a little bit of time
alone with me?
- How would you feel about that?
- Mm, I'm...
You'd feel good about it?
- You'd feel OK about it?
- Mm-hmm.
Then I would also feel good
about that as a plan of action
I would be willing
to proceed with.
Angela?
- Uh...
- Knock yourself out!
Yeah. I do...
Yes! That. Yes.
- Look at us.
- OK.
- Whew!
- Hey... come on.
- OK.
- OK. Yeah.
We're gonna separate
but still be together,
so... feeling positive?
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Joe, any reservations?
I would maybe prefer
not to have pegging
performed on my body.
- Oh, I... I respect that.
- Thanks.
Positive otherwise,
though. OK?
Yes. Yeah.
So, your bedroom?
- No!
- Not our bedroom.
- No, no, no.
- Maggie?
- No! Gross. Uh...
- Maybe...
- ...your office.
- ...my office.
- We could...
- I like your office.
- Oh!
- It's nice.
You guys could take
the, um... arts and craft room.
No, I think it's too small.
I feel like the kitchen is...
- Maybe the kitchen.
- Is that OK?
- (Hawk) We'll make that work.
- It's just renovated.
We'll make it work.
- Great.
- Cool.
(Pia speaks Spanish)
Good luck. Enjoy, everybody.
- Thank you, yes.
- See you soon.
- Feel very good about all this.
- Great, very positive.
- Cool.
- Angela... (Whispering)
(Joe) Oh, hello!
Namaste.
(Joe) OK.
OK. Hi.
Uh, Joe.
Oh.
- Cheers.
- Thank you. Great.
OK...
(Speaks indistinctly)
(Angela)
I meant to do the dishes
before you guys arrived tonight.
Just give me a second -
I'm gonna wipe the countertops.
I meant to do it
before you guys...
I mean...
(Continues indistinctly)
- I'll just do the dishwasher.
- Oh, no.
Really quick! I can do it...
I'll be so fast!
- You don't have to do that now.
- No?
Wait. I...
One second!
- Um...
- Better, right? No?
(Takes deep breaths)
This is a stupid blouse.
(Sighs)
(Chuckles)
Oops.
- Do you want help with that?
- Nope. No, no.
Just... one second!
Fuck me!
(SADE: "By Your Side")
You think
I'd leave your side, baby...
Oh! Uh...
- You know me better than that
- (Pia singing along)
It is a good song.
You think I'd leave you down
when you're down on your knees
I wouldn't do that...
- Hey!
- (Moaning)
- (Clattering)
- Oh! Sorry! Sorry!
If only you could see into me
- Oh, when you're cold
- (Joe and Pia singing along)
I'll be there
Hold you tight to me...
Do you actually
look in the mirror
and not know
how sexy you are?
Oh, blah! (Laughs) No!
- Angela!
- No. No.
You can't be that out of touch
with yourself, are you?
Oh, God. No. I know.
I'm a stupid fucking cunt.
- I really... I...
- Whoa, Angela.
No, that's just
my inner monologue.
That's just the way
I speak to myself.
It's just the voice in my head.
It's not... No... it's good.
- Are you sure?
- I'm good.
(Joe) Holy shit!
You think
I'd leave your side, baby...
(Joe) Thank you
so much for this.
This is... This is...
This is already amazing.
You know me better
than that...
Thank you for this.
Think I'd leave you down
When you're down
on your knees...
Jesus Christ, you're hot.
- I wouldn't do that...
- Holy shit!
- How do you wanna do it?
- Oh!
How do I...
Um...
I want the, um... thing with...
Mm... Yeah,
that menu would come in handy.
I think the, um...
thing, the one with...
What you, you say...
You say.
You take this one. (Laughs)
You want me to do the thing
that makes Pia scream
like that?
Yes. (Clears throat)
Yeah. Yes.
I'll tell you you're right
when you want
Ha-a, ha-a
Ha-a-a, oh-o...
(Whispering indistinctly)
And if only
you could see into me...
(Joe chuckling)
Oh
When you're cold
I'll be there
Hold you tight to me,
to me, yeah
Oh
- When you're low
- OK, take off your clothes.
- I'll be there
- Slow, slow, slow!
By your side, baby
Oh
- When you're cold...
- (Pia chuckling)
(Grunts)
OK...
I'll be there
By your side...
Whoa, whoa, whoa...
- Argh!
- (Gasps)
- (Joe screams)
- Oh, that's Joe's back.
That's Joe's back.
He's... He's fine.
- (Pia and Joe screaming)
- No, no, he's fine. He's fine.
He's fine. He's fine. He's fine.
He's OK.
I think... I really think
he's OK. I think he's...
Yeah, he sounds fine.
(Grunting,
shouting indistinctly)
(Pia) Help! Aydame!
(Pia and Hawk
shouting in Spanish)
(Pia) He fell.
He hurt his back.
- (Hawk) What happened?
- (Pia) He's hurt his back.
- (Hawk) His back?
- Yes, my back.
Don't touch me.
Go away. Get away from me.
- Stop moving, Joe. Joe!
- Let me be! Let me be!
I just need my pillows.
I have these pillows.
- Joe, you gotta stop moving.
- I gotta have my pillows. Fuck!
Listen to me. Listen to me.
Slow your breathing down. OK?
- Slow your breathing down.
- Don't touch me. Just go away.
Go away.
Don't do anything to me.
Don't rolf me.
Don't you dare rolf me!
Don't do this!
Don't do it, man.
Please don't do this.
Whatever you're gonna do,
don't do it.
Take a deep breath
and try not to flinch.
- Oh, God, don't do this.
- Try not to flinch.
- Please don't do it. Oh, God!
- One, two, three!
(Screaming) Argh!
Fuck you! Argh!
- Go away.
- (Hawk) You're done!
- It didn't help.
- OK, it takes a second.
- It didn't help at all.
- It takes a second.
- Fuck off!
- (Hawk) I think I did it right.
- Get me some ice.
- (Hawk) I think I did it right.
- Get me some ice.
- This is so embarrassing.
We are...
We are so fucking embarrassing.
I can't believe it. Of course
it's your fucking back.
Our entire life
is about your fucking back.
- Constant fucking complaining!
- What are you talking about?
Sorry my back
is an inconvenience
to you having a fucking orgy.
It actually is,
if you want to know,
and I'm not allowed
to complain about it.
I'm not allowed to say
a fucking thing about it ever.
Well, you're talking about it
right now. So, congratulations.
- Oh, no!
- Is it bad?
Yes, it's bad! Look at me!
Do you know your back pain
is not about your back?
I think it actually is very much
about my back!
That's not gonna work.
No massage, no pillow -
none of those things work.
L4, L5, fucking classic.
Your back pain is about
everything that you don't say.
You know? It's your rage,
it's your anger speaking.
Hey, what are you talking about?
Why are you doing this?
We were dancing to Sade
thirty seconds ago.
It didn't hurt you in there
when we were dancing, right?
We were having a nice time.
I was loose.
What the fuck
are you smiling at, Hawk?
I, I, I... I feel you, man.
"You feel me"? Don't try
to connect to me, Hawk.
Do not try to connect with me.
I don't want it.
- I've been where you are, Joe.
- What the fuck?
So, you've been on your floor
in your underpants,
ice on your back?
Yeah, I've been on the floor
angry and in pain and all of it.
- Trust me.
- Oh, my God!
I don't fucking want you to try
to in any way
emotionally relate to me,
you fucking pervert.
- We're nothing alike.
- How do you know?
Also, your name isn't Hawk!
No one's name is Hawk.
You go on and on
about radical honesty.
Your whole name's
a fucking lie, man.
What is your name?
What's your actual name?
Tell me your...
What is
on your driver's license?
Howard Wilson Kelly.
Howard.
He's Howard.
Your name is Howard.
This whole time,
it hasn't been Hawk.
It's been little Howie.
Oh, my God.
That changes everything.
I didn't know we had a Howard
in our midst.
I would've been
so much nicer to you.
Where did Hawk come from, Howie?
How'd you land on Hawk?
It's just...
It's the name I gave myself.
A nickname you gave yourself.
Literally the lamest words
that could have come
out of your mouth.
Oh, my God.
What, were you biking
across the playa at Burning Man?
You saw a fucking bird fly by
or something?
No, it's something I did
after my wife died.
(Exhales sharply)
You asked.
Well, you should lead with that
next time, I guess.
She got cancer.
You don't have to
answer his question.
You don't have to say anything.
It's a fair question, you know.
How does Howard get to Hawk?
So... (Chuckles)
For Joe...
Um...
After she died, I...
I was doing some things
that were pretty
suicidally stupid at work,
and I was gonna get someone
else killed along with me.
And do you know
how people say
your life flashes
before your eyes?
I... I...
That happened to me,
but not my life -
it was our life together.
It went by me
in this high-speed film.
And I kept seeing this woman,
this, like, very gentle,
very shy, sweet girl
who, like...
She thought I hung the moon.
And in the film, she...
Over and over again,
she tried to...
...open up
about her fantasy life to me,
to, you know, share
this kind of sensual,
adventurous side of herself,
so that I would
enter into it with her, and...
...I didn't just,
you know, resist it.
I got really tight
and judgmental and insecure.
And I...
And I made her feel
so bad about it
that somewhere in that movie,
she just stops...
...trying to connect
with me at all.
I suppressed her, you know? I...
I shut down her attempt
to, like, live more boldly.
Somehow, the universe puts me
on this one's couch, and...
...she told me, you know,
you got two choices.
Go set yourself on fire
for real,
or change who you are
and make yourself available.
So, uh...
I decided I really better
change my name
if I was gonna change my life.
And so I did.
Well...
I'm sorry your wife passed away,
and I'm glad you found a woman
who would peg you
after you didn't
let your wife peg you.
Oh, my God!
(Joe) What do you want from me?
I'm sorry.
That's the moral of that story
as far as I'm concerned.
Oh, my God!
My boyfriend shares
that very difficult
and painful story with you,
and you're making fun of him?
I'm living a difficult
and painful story right now,
in real life!
I really didn't expect this
from you.
This is fucking disappointing.
- (Joe) OK. I'm sorry.
- No, no, no, no, no. Really!
Shut up! Stop! Stop being
unrespectful to my boyfriend.
Disrespectful.
Don't be disrespectful.
She's saying...
She's saying what?
No, no. I...
I was just clarifying.
I think they caught
what I was saying.
Oh, are you going to interrupt?
- Sorry.
- Correct my English right now?
No, mi amor, I was trying
to clarify for him...
No! You're always
interrupting me,
always correcting me!
(Speaks Spanish)
Do you know
how bad your Spanish is?
And I never tell you, right?
What do I do?
I help you.
I've been telling you all night,
this is not gonna work.
It's not the night.
They're not ready.
Look at this fucking mess.
And you keep pushing.
You keep pushing
because you're always pushing.
And you know why?
Because you don't listen.
- Just fucking listen.
- OK. OK.
Pia...
Pia!
No, I don't wanna talk to you.
Just...
- Pia!
- Shut the fuck up for once.
- I...
- Shut the fuck up!
Really! Really!
For once, just shut the fuck up.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- Shut the fuck up.
- Shut the fuck up.
- I shouldn't have said that.
- Just shut the fuck up.
- It was terrible timing.
And... you are right.
This is the last time
that will ever happen.
I totally understand
what you're saying.
You said that before.
No, I never have.
I will never do it again.
Fucking embarrassing.
And I'm sorry
for yelling at you.
And I'm... I'm sorry
if this was too much. I'm sorry.
No, no. It... It...
- Don't be sorry.
- I'm sorry, Joe.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
It was a joke.
Don't apologize.
Don't anybody apologize.
We're so sorry.
I'm sorry I... yelled at you.
- I'm sorry I yelled at you.
- You don't have to be sorry.
- It was horrible what you said.
- You don't have to be sorry.
Guys...
We are sorry.
- "We"?
- OK? We're a fucking disaster.
We couldn't even
pull off an orgy.
OK? We are dead inside.
So, I apologize for that.
Oh, no, don't worry about that.
You are definitely not dead.
You wanted
to fuck the two of us.
It just wasn't the right night.
But what I don't understand is
how you can even have sex
with each other,
'cause you are so mean
to each other.
Because you... you do have sex
with each other, right?
When was the last time
you two had sex?
(Both) A year ago.
(Coughing)
Oh, sorry.
I thought you said a year.
You did say a year?
A year?
A year ago?
Oh, my God! No wonder
why you are so awkward...
...and horny and weird.
Do you know
why you don't have sex?
- Because she won't fuck me.
- Well, because of him.
(Joe) It's your fault.
- What?
- It's your fault.
- It's not my fault.
- Of course it's your fault!
We don't have sex 'cause
she won't have sex with me.
- That's why!
- "Won't have sex with you"?
You don't try!
I stopped trying
because how many times can I try
before I'm just
torturing myself?
- Oh, uh...
- It's humiliating.
I'm being humiliated.
Am I not worth just a little bit
more effort than that?
Could you maybe be trying
a little bit harder?
How much effort do I need to put
into having sex
with a woman who's supposed
to want to have sex with me?
Why should that
take so much effort?
You're supposed
to be attracted to me.
You're my wife!
What are talking about?
You know what? You don't want
to do anything, OK?
So, that's where I'm starting.
OK?
It's not very attractive
to be with someone
who's just fucking miserable.
So, because you're miserable,
then I'm miserable.
You're miserable, too.
So, congratulations.
I guess we're both miserable.
We're even, OK?
You've nothing
to be upset about.
Angela,
would you fuck yourself?
What?
Would you have sex
with yourself?
Hmm! Would you...
fuck yourself?
All I do is fuck myself.
I'm the only person
who fucks me currently. So, yes.
Do you even remember a time
when you were not miserable?
(Joe chuckles)
What's the difference?
Yeah, I do.
How did you two meet?
Who cares? (Laughs)
Who cares at this point?
- I'll tell you.
- Great.
Um...
I was on a very bad date...
...at this dive bar where Joe
was playing with his band,
and he was flirting with me
the entire show from the stage,
making me laugh.
And so I made my date
drop me off,
and I sprinted back to the bar,
so I could see
if I could catch Joe,
and I... I did.
But I don't think
you ever realized
that I ran eleven blocks
that night.
(Laughs)
Did you know that?
- I didn't know that.
- (Angela) Yeah.
I thought you were just
a bizarrely sweaty person.
Maybe you had eaten
some bad shrimp or something.
And we had sex all the time.
We had...
We actually had great sex.
It was great. It was really fun.
We were best friends.
That is true.
And then you just decided
to be miserable.
Are you kidding me right now?
Are you fucking for real?
I "decided to become miserable"?
Do you actually not understand
how I feel... at all?
You don't get it?
I'm a failure, Angela.
I live in my parents'
apartment...
...which is humiliating.
I teach at a bad school.
Teach a bunch of kids
to play the oboe
who don't give a fuck
about it at all.
And nothing is gonna change
anytime soon.
So, this is my life.
So, I'm miserable. Yes.
Why can't you just let me
be miserable?
Why can't you just accept
that I am not happy
and just let me be not happy?
I'm sorry that your band
didn't work out, Joe.
I'm really sorry.
You still teach music
every single day.
You get to live
in a beautiful home.
You have a kid
who fucking worships you.
You have a life that I think
many people would kill for,
but you've just decided
to make the choice
to not get over your bullshit
and to just be miserable.
You won't even fucking touch
the piano that you used to love,
and we all have to tiptoe
around you.
You're just like a sad,
wounded puppy.
- You guys want some Rooibos?
- Oh, fuck off, Hawk!
- Fuck off!
- (Hawk whispers) Sorry. Sorry.
I am the one
who gave everything up.
You did that.
There's one reason
that you're not doing
what you are not doing,
and that is because
you are not doing it. You quit.
You gave up.
Can I ask you a question?
For real?
What do you do all day?
Maggie goes to school.
I go to work.
You go fucking insane
in this apartment.
I don't know what the fuck
you're doing.
You're buying fucking lamps
and pillows and shit.
And then you try
to just fucking control
every aspect of my life
when I get home at the end
of every fucking day. It's...
What are you doing here?
- Fuck you, Joe!
- What are you fucking doing?
- Fuck me? Yeah. Fuck me.
- Yeah.
Fuck you! And I am not trying
to control you.
- I am not controlling. No!
- You don't let me do anything.
You don't let me get
a fucking cat.
- I don't like cats.
- There you go.
- They're fucking mean!
- Congratulations.
I wanted one fucking thing.
Do you see
how you talk to each other?
Do you see how you keep blaming
each other for your unhappiness?
You made these choices.
They're your choices.
So much resentment.
So much.
Why are you in this marriage?
We have a daughter.
- Maggie.
- (Pia) Great.
That's gonna be really,
really great for her, um...
'Cause you think
she doesn't notice, right?
She doesn't feel this.
You prefer that she grows up
marinating in this
horrible anxiety every day.
What's better - to have
happy parents who are separate
or to have
very miserable parents
that stay together
for their children?
(Sobs)
I think we only get
a few chances
for meaningful
relationships in life.
Usually,
we move to different people.
Sometimes,
we can have a new relationship
with the same person.
It's up to you.
But I think this relationship...
...is over.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But I'm not
your therapist, so...
I think I'm talking too much.
Hawk?
Gosh, you guys. I...
We really just wanted to see
the apartment, you know, and...
...maybe fuck a little.
Sorry to let you down.
Maybe next time.
Can I have my casserole back,
please?
Yeah.
Here, I'm gonna...
Let me rinse it out for you.
(Water running)
Did they leave?
Weird.
I'm gonna clean up tomorrow.
OK.
We have that place in Tahoe
in August.
Maggie loves it up there.
I don't know what...
...to do about that.
I guess we'll figure it out.
Yeah.
How's your back?
It's better, actually.
I'm glad.
I'm so tired.
Me too.
I'm gonna go to bed.
Um...
Should I sleep in my office,
I guess?
OK.
(Breathes heavily)
(Breathes heavily)
(Sombre tune on piano)
(Piano stops)
(Piano continues)
(Piano playing
more proficiently)
(Piano fades)
(Piano stops)
I'll light the fire
You place the flowers
in the vase
That you bought today
Staring at the fire
For hours and hours
while I listen to you
Play your love songs
all night long for me
Only for me
Come to me now
And rest your head
for just five minutes
Everything is done...
(Laughter)
Such a cozy room
The windows are illuminated
By the evening sunshine
through them
Fiery gems for you
Only for you
Our house
Is a very, very, very
fine house
With two cats in the yard
Life used to be so hard
Now everything is easy
'cause of you
And our
La, la, la-la-la, la-la,
la-la, la-la, la-la-la, la-la
La-la-la, la-la, la-la
La, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la, la, la
La-la-la, la-la,
la-la, la-la
La, la-la-la-la-la-la-la
La-la-la, la, la, la, la
Our house
Is a very, very, very
fine house
With two cats in the yard
Life used to be so hard
Now everything is easy
'cause of you
And our
I'll light the fire
And you place the flowers
in the vase
That you bought today
(Sighs)
(Laughter)