The Jews (2016) Movie Script

...subject to the same diseases,
warmed and cooled
by the same seasons.
If you prick us, do we not bleed?
If you tickle us, do we not laugh?
If we are like you in the rest,
we will resemble you in that.
- Your name?
- Felix.
- It was great.
- Thanks a lot.
Good evening.
What a pleasure to meet you!
Nice show.
You were in the audience?
I didn't get it all, but it was great.
Well, thanks.
Can I buy you a drink?
I'd really like to.
Okay, then.
What'll it be?
A Diet Coke.
A Diet Coke and a scotch.
You don't drink alcohol?
No, sorry.
Are you Muslim?
- You're not Catholic!
- Nope.
My mistake... you have shoes!
Just kidding.
So in fact...
what are you?
I'm Jewish.
Not drinking is besides the point,
but I'm Jewish.
No, Jewish.
- You mean Hebrew.
- No, Jewish.
- Yeah, an Israelite.
- No, Jewish.
- So you're a Jew.
- Yeah, that's right.
I'm Jewish.
- Okay, you're Jewish.
- Exactly.
Just say so. No shame.
That's life.
So... cheers!
I can say I am who I am
because I was born in 1965
to French parents.
I grew up in France
where I've always lived.
I'm French,
now upper middle class, Parisian,
left-wing, atheist.
I had a French secular education,
by the book.
My family is Jewish Sephardi,
originally from Spain.
Isabella the Catholic chased us out.
We immigrated to Algeria,
then came to France in 1962,
after the Independence.
Being a Sephardi Jew
is part of my identity,
but it is strictly personal,
distinct from the outside world,
in which I live.
My first name is french,
typical of my era.
I also have a hidden name.
One on the inside.
It refers to my Biblical ancestors,
my religion's founding fathers.
The name was given at my circumcision.
As a newborn boy,
my parents had me circumcised
as all Jews have done since Abraham.
25 years before I was born,
an unprecedented genocide occurred.
The Holocaust.
Concentration camps
concern the entire people
to which my family belongs.
Like all immigrant grandchildren,
I don't speak my grandparents' language.
Like all Sephardi grandchildren,
my lifestyle has nothing to do
with that of my grandparents.
And yet we're all family.
See why I was against this?
Think I was for this?
You know me, Jean.
I'm the life of the party.
I was among the first
to march with the SS in Uruguay.
I was young, handsome.
Above all, it was risk-free.
But look.
Just look at her!
Leader of the French National Movement
dancing with a former Nazi!
At the Lederhosen Ball.
- Burschenschaften.
- Whatever.
She can forget the presidency.
You should run.
Of course I should.
Since she got 25% in the Europeans,
there's no talking to her.
A real little fascist.
Isn't that a good thing?
Fascist is good.
For the country, not me.
As in politics,
your wife knows how to take side-steps.
I have a talented wife.
Dance with Boris.
Get him off his ass.
Come on, Boris, don't be grumpy.
Try to crack a smile.
Let's go.
Stop it!
Paranoid like a kike!
You exhaust me.
See any cameras or reporters? No!
Enjoy yourself...
Austria is so pretty, so big!
It's so clean, so white!
Just being here is wild.
Look, I have chills!
I love it!
I just love this country!
Not one black, not one Arab.
No slippers, djellabas, veils.
Not one Jew.
Imagine, a country with no Jews.
It makes me want to...
- Heil Hitler!
- Here's to you!
Drink up.
Tomorrow we get Jew-terrogated.
You called to demonstrate
against abortion
and for the death penalty.
As you know, things deteriorated
because as usual,
your militants attacked reporters.
I dislike your tone.
What does "as usual" mean?
"As usual"...
When something repeats itself, a habit,
a compulsion.
You're being a wise guy.
- What do you have to say?
- Nothing.
- It's your electorate.
- Here we go again.
You scorn 25% of the population.
Whose ideology you've shared
since your party's creation.
- Since its creation?
- When your father founded it.
A lot has changed since then.
The truth is, whatever she says,
with her name,
we're screwed.
She'll always be...
her father's daughter.
Her name lets us keep the anti-Semites
and she expands the base.
She's just perfect.
I'm coming.
Excuse me.
My grandmother.
I know how much you loved her.
She brought me up.
She was my life.
And you were hers. I know, honey...
I'll go see her.
- Listen first.
- Not now.
It's important, Boris.
Why is she covered?
It's the tradition.
Hello... I'm Rabbi Levkovitz.
I knew your grandmother well.
I'm honored to have shut her eyes.
Wear this yarmulke.
We'll read the Book of Psalms.
For the elevation of her soul.
This is a prank, right?
It's what I wanted to tell you.
Since the war,
she could never mention it.
I'm a Jew.
I'm a Jew.
A yid!
A kike!
A sheeny!
Vermin! A rat!
A rat!
You're one of the cursed Chosen People!
I'm the chosen one.
Of course.
Not her.
- Say it's not true.
- It is.
- No.
- Yes, yes...
Remove it.
- Remove it from your head!
- I can't...
How can you do this to me, Boris?
Just before elections?
What did I do to you?
Wasn't I a good wife?
Not a good mother for your kids?
You were.
So why whip out a Jewish granny?
Take off that hat!
Calm down, Eva.
Calm down.
What bullshit.
Your granny wasn't Jewish!
The will she wrote is of no value.
- It's of great value.
- Shut up, Jew!
Don't talk to him like that.
Don't worry.
Apologize on the double.
I'm sorry.
I'll make some tea.
Sorry but...
this may sound stupid.
If your granny is Jewish,
it doesn't mean you are.
Yes, it does.
Alas, he's Jewish.
His maternal grandmother.
It's transmitted maternally.
Like a disease.
Says who?
The Torah.
Worse are those Nuremberg laws
you want to re-implement.
Either parent is enough.
- It makes no sense.
- I confirm it.
This is unbelievable.
Tomorrow I could decide I'm black.
Tomorrow, I'm black...
No one becomes
black or Jewish overnight.
I'm no expert on blacks.
It's hard to become Jewish.
If it's so hard, so complicated,
what proves Granny was a Jew?
Her father was a Katzman.
Her mother, Seligman.
Both died in Auschwitz.
So I'm Jewish.
I have 300 pages to read about gypsies.
But Jews are more of a pain.
Especially when you marry one.
Imagine the headlines.
Leader of the FNM...
married and 2 kids with a Jew.
What's a scoop like that worth?
A lot of money, I'd say.
A lot.
I could become rich,
now that I'm Jewish.
What are you after?
Isn't this enough for today?
Step aside for me.
I got 25% in the European election!
25% all by yourself?
Elected by the party,
of which I'm the heir!
Pretty little heiress.
When they learn you married a Jew,
how do you think
Daddy's party will react?
sudden disease.
A cancer that makes you
exit the political stage.
You're a total scumbag.
A dirty Jew.
The thrill is mutual.
I'm so happy to be here among you!
What an honor to be your new candidate.
But what sadness too.
How sad to replace Eva
at the last minute
for such tragic reasons.
I know how much you all love Eva.
But you also know how much...
I love her too.
I reassure you. Fear not.
She will stand beside me
during this battle.
And we will stand by her side
in the battle she is now waging
against that terrible disease.
While Eva Leblanc battles illness,
nothing can stop her husband,
Boris Van Keulen,
the FNM's new candidate.
Campaigning all over France,
he was seen in the markets,
as well as with pig farmers,
threatened by "the excessive presence
of Jews and Muslims in France."
Now polling at 46%,
the FNM leads
both the center-right and the left
and could end up running the country.
I'm the frontrunner!
I'm all alone.
Did you hear?
You could at least be happy.
You haven't switched parties.
My First Lady. Hello, honey!
Let's do it now.
Come sit here.
Having cancer means doing chemo.
When you do chemo, you lose your hair.
But those pajamas...
I'm not so sure.
Sorry, Daddy.
We often appeared at odds...
but now I need you.
It's urgent.
I need help.
I don't know how to tell you
without you dying a second death.
It's better to be direct.
Boris is Jewish.
There, it's out.
The Jew in my bed
will soon run the country.
I don't know what to do.
Do I shut up?
I've fought those rats all my life.
Or do I talk?
And maybe destroy the party?
Tell me.
What do I do, Daddy?
Let it out.
You must externalize it.
Speak. You can't keep it inside.
You make yourself ill.
Let it out. You have to externalize.
You make yourself ill.
After the economy and taxes,
let's address the crucial issue
of your program:
Thanks for asking, Miss Drucker.
It's an issue that concerns everyone.
It's a true problem.
But sorry...
you name it wrong.
The issue isn't immigration,
but something vaster
and more serious.
Let me explain.
I'll weigh my words.
France is literally invaded...
invaded, I reiterate,
by different cultures.
I respect these cultures,
but alas, they don't respect us.
That's the integration issue.
No need to roll your eyes
and look offended.
You know,
let's start looking at reality.
The French are fed up.
No more false optimism.
I'm not offended.
But nothing's changed
since your party's heyday.
Same people, same slogans.
- You're still...
- Still what?
You'll say we call you
a racist, an anti-Semite...
Word used to silence truth-sayers.
You won't silence me.
Because the truth of the matter is
that finance, banks,
and God knows where they got us,
are controlled
- by Jews.
- Here we go!
No denying it.
The media...
- Of course.
- All Jews.
I'm not making it up.
So, from the mouth
of Boris Van Keulen
and his voters, 25% of the country:
the Jews are everywhere.
Your family too.
Jews in your family.
Am I right to say
that according to our sources,
and I know they're reliable,
you had a Jewish grandma?
Your mother's mother...
was Jewish.
Can you answer my question?
It's a simple one.
All I'm asking
is that you reply yes or no.
Was your grandmother Jewish?
I'm sorry but I'm still emotional.
The sorrow is great.
The funeral was...
not long ago.
It's still very...
Sorry, I'm overwhelmed.
It's true. You're right...
When Grandmother died,
I learned she was...
of the confession known as...
Which, given the circumstances,
makes me...
a Jew.
But you know,
it proves our party isn't anti-Semitic.
How could we be?
Admit it.
Want my opinion?
Jews are all over,
even in anti-Semites' homes.
No, Jews aren't all over.
Madmen are.
Even among Jews.
Vote cast!
My wife says I'm obsessed.
By Jews.
That it's all I think about,
all I talk about.
It's off-limits anyway.
It pisses everyone off.
We can't even say the word "Jew"...
People tense up.
Everything is off-limits.
Not now, careful, don't stigmatize.
Camus said that mislabeling
adds to the world's woes.
We're so afraid to mislabel,
nothing is said.
About your wife...
Is she Jewish?
It's a little complicated.
And not that complicated.
Jewish dad. Not her mom.
From a strict Jewish point of view,
she isn't.
Given her dad's name,
anti-Semites consider her Jewish.
A couple generations ago,
her name meant straight to Auschwitz.
It's a problem for her.
She has identity issues.
She says I'm obsessed
because she is obsessed.
'I'm Jewish, I'm not Jewish..."
Can one Jew tell another:
"You're obsessed by the Jews"?
All Jews are obsessed by the Jews.
How can we not be?
Especially nowadays.
How can we not see?
Not feel what's going on?
That's what she blames me for.
She says I see anti-Semites everywhere.
They are everywhere.
Everywhere, everywhere...
I see them. I recognize them.
I could invent an iPhone app
to locate them.
The anti-Semites are everywhere.
Not the Jews.
How many Jews in the world?
I ask you: how many Jews in the world?
That's 0.2% of the population.
0.2% of the population world-wide.
It's worth knowing.
I can tell you how many Jews
in every country in the world.
Give me a country.
You know how many Jews there are
in every country
in the world?
Yes, and it's very interesting.
And you say your wife
says that you're obsessed?
She has a problem.
That's all for today.
My idea for an iPhone app isn't bad.
I should trademark it.
Got my money?
Say hi first.
Hi. Got my money?
- Give me my money.
- Anna's, not yours.
- You kidding?
- All I got for now.
- You owe me April, May, June.
- It's all I fucking have.
Give it back.
I'll pay all 4 next time.
Stop jewing me down.
Don't start up. Where is she?
In her room, doing homework.
At least I see to her schooling!
- Honey!
- Daddy!
When can I stay at your place?
When he has a place.
Your dad's a loser.
I married the only Jew
who's dirt poor!
Is that possible?
Go back to your room
to do your homework.
How dare you, in front of her?
It's not true?
Look at Cohen.
Seriously, he hit the jackpot,
that motherfucker.
And your so-called childhood friend?
He made a fortune
selling crappy overalls.
There's just you.
The only Jewish loser.
The one and only poor Jew.
The exception.
This is the education you give her?
Spare me.
You're an idiot.
You have to be different.
They conspire,
taking advantage of others.
Why not you?
What are you talking about?
Cohen's wife!
Did you see her?
Two Filipino cleaning women!
She has time to get her pussy waxed!
For sure.
What is this about Cohen's wife's pussy?
And she conspires with the other women.
They had nothing done?
Eyelids? Forehead?
Silicone boobs!
Mathilde... you're totally crazy.
And I took your name.
I accepted to be called Bensoussan.
You realize the horror of it?
I thought you'd make money!
I thought we'd have a blast.
Well, no.
Mr. Bensoussan has to be different.
Bensoussan is a Jewish rebel.
What cowards!
Your wife's not crazy, bro.
Believe in coincidence?
There's no such thing.
One Jew.
Two Jews.
Three Jews, why not?
But the others are all rich.
Not me.
Of course Jews are rich
and rule the world.
All Jews.
They shaped our world.
It's a done deal.
The right blames you for communism.
The left, because of your capital.
And like Bakunin says,
Marx, Rothschild...
2 sides of the same coin.
- You know Bakunin?
- Nope.
Go on line.
They explain it all.
How you all joined forces, the lobby...
Honestly... hats off.
You guys are smart, bro.
What is it?
What's wrong?
You're not Jewish.
Why do you say that?
You're too much of a loser.
My name is Bensoussan.
You're not Jewish, bro.
There's been a mistake.
Shabbat Shalom.
Enjoy your weekend.
Going away?
No, just enjoy your weekend!
"Shabbat Shalom" refers to his weekend.
So enjoy!
What are you saying?
Shabbat shalom...
We're not even Jewish.
Some bread.
He won't spoil my couscous.
Are you sure that we're Jewish?
Shut up!
- I'm very serious.
- Enough!
- Get me some meatballs.
- Please!
Thank you.
Got proof?
Of course I do.
What is it?
What's your problem?
Are you sick, son?
So? What proof?
Our marriage certificate.
Our ketubah, as we say.
Maurice, please.
Show him the certificate
or I'll go crazy!
A ketubah proves nothing.
And from an Algerian synagogue!
Can't I watch TV in peace and quiet?
Remember that Algeria was French
when we got married.
We were married
in a French synagogue.
Mr. Smart-ass!
We're not Jewish.
If we were, we wouldn't be here.
Not in these rotten projects.
You doing dishes,
me hanging around downstairs,
you playing the fucking lottery.
Jews are rich.
What's his problem?
Is he possessed?
What got into you?
It sounds like your goy wife talking!
My goy wife is right!
The truth is, Jews are rich!
You don't think I know?
Know what?
All of them guys, the Madoffs...
Sergey Brin.
Who's that?
Founder of Google.
The internet thing?
He's Jewish?
Rich! Google him on his Google.
So work like him!
We said to go to engineering school.
Did you listen?
You never listen. Stubborn mule!
Engineering school?
Mom... I flunked Math!
You always have a good reason.
We're not Jewish! See that?
Jewish mothers understand their sons.
Mine contradicts me!
Know what? I quit!
I'm sick of the obligations.
Shabbat, eating kosher, Yom Kippur.
We have no advantages.
Do I look dumb?
Put that yarmulke back on now.
Sorry, Dad, I don't want
just the bad part of Jewish.
You rail on and on, but you're Jewish.
And you always will be.
- I call it quits.
- Come back.
Come back!
If you leave without asking
for your mother's forgiveness,
you're no longer my son.
I got you 2 lottery tickets.
Call him.
You can't leave it like this.
You must talk it out.
With that renegade?
He doesn't want to be Jewish anymore
because he's not rich enough?
He quits.
What does he think, it's like smoking?
Here's what I think, Lucette.
Your son is a loser.
It's what I think.
He's a dunce.
That's why he's poor.
And you know what?
With kids, it's like the lottery,
a matter of luck.
Having him was like the lottery.
No luck.
I won't discuss him anymore.
I have no more son.
You can't get a babysitter?
If you pay.
I just gave you 500 euros.
Part of three months of child support
you owe me.
This is your weekend, not mine.
Take your daughter
and get out of here.
It's like you're talking about a dog!
Turn around.
She's our daughter!
Be nice for once.
Just for the weekend,
till I find something.
Beat it!
I need to find a job, fast.
Anything. I owe child support.
- If you hear of anything.
- Honestly...
There's nothing.
Everyone's in deep shit.
Eric, I'm telling you I need money.
I'm not joking.
My daughter needs to eat.
Anna... eat your ham.
If I say we're no longer Jewish,
we're no longer Jewish.
So eat.
We're going to Nana and Grandpa's.
It's oink-a-licious.
It's oink-a-licious.
Work for me.
With you...
With you, with you?
Can I do one?
This isn't child's play.
Give me some numbers instead.
- 12.
- Anna, done reading?
Can't you see we're working?
Nana always has to distract us.
Okay, one more.
It's Dad's birthday.
A different one.
Know Dad's new girlfriend?
What? I didn't say anything.
I asked a question.
Change subjects.
That one is blacklisted.
He's my son.
No girlfriend. Dad works with Eric.
What Eric?
The dealer?
Go get my pills please.
My pills.
I saw you! Open the door!
I don't fucking believe it.
Thanks, sir.
Come here.
- Come here on the double!
- Mom, please!
What did we do to deserve this?
Don't start.
What did we do?
I need to make money!
I took what I found.
- I want to get rich!
- Money?
Take everything I have.
Careful with your money!
Think these two scare me?
I could be your mother.
Go home and study.
Want to become him?
Who's da psycho?
- Your mama?
- Mom, they'll diss me!
Da, diss...
"Da guys" says "dis" and "dat"
and think they're poets!
Your shitty rap music!
Fuck da chick! Burn da money!
Stop it, Mom.
Death to America!
And these idiots dress American!
How shameful.
Da shame's on you!
Stop getting her stoned.
She's wasted.
I'm going to waste you.
Go home, both of you.
And you!
You're no Jew.
You're a dirty Jew.
Dat's nasty!
Almost hate speech!
Get out of here, both of you!
Anna, did you prepare your bag?
Your mom's coming.
There's a sock under the chair.
Cookies, crackers, pastries.
My pills, please. Quick!
We won 500,000.
We won 500,000?
We won, Mom.
We won.
Jesus fucking Christ!
What will we do with all that?
We can start with a nice dinner.
And then...
you mustn't forget Anna.
No way... I don't believe it.
How are you?
We have to talk.
Classy car!
You still owe me for June!
Are you kidding me?
Look at you!
- Beat it.
- Let me help.
Don't be a pain!
It's not your money.
My parents gave it to you for Anna.
Yeah, well it's payback.
You're right.
Show me what you bought!
I'll call the cops!
Can we start
with two glasses of champagne?
Of course.
I want one of everything!
You told him to come?
It was you.
I'm sorry.
I'm Jewish.
Of course I'm Jewish.
I'm Jewish, Dad.
That's not kosher, son.
It's shrimp.
Tell him to go.
Tell him to go now.
She kills me.
And so arrogant.
Totally nouveau riche.
A real showoff.
Not classy.
What did they give her?
Couple hundred thousand, who knows?
Maybe even more.
And here I am,
dying of hunger like a dog.
Pain in the ass.
Like these stairs.
Relax, more Kalashnikovs here
than tenants.
She'll loosen up real quick.
He's totally crazy.
Mourad? It's Eric.
A job for you.
Zigon? Yeah, tonight.
See you in 5.
A lot of money.
Mrs. Bensoussan?
- What the fuck?
- Shut up!
- What do you want?
- Quiet!
What do you want?
My name is Jewish, but I'm not.
I'm not even Jewish!
Yes, I'm worried.
Everyone says it's in my head.
That there is no anti-Semitism.
That I exaggerate.
That I'm paranoid.
It's common knowledge.
Jews are paranoid.
Kids who scream in the street
"Death to Jews"...
It's normal.
"Jews, get out of France".
Creteil, day of rage,
Ilan Halimi, Merah...
Nothing scary.
People are attacked every day,
because they're Jewish.
They're insulted on internet, Twitter...
I must be the only one to hear.
In reality it doesn't exist.
It's in my head.
I'm paranoid.
Soon we'll see
another supermarket massacre,
And I'll still come here
to discuss my illness.
I don't know what I'm doing here.
I don't think you can help.
You are of no help.
Excuse me.
I have a question nagging at me.
- Can you help me?
- Sure, what can I do?
Here it is.
2 chimney sweeps leave a chimney.
One is all black, the other all white.
The question is:
which of them will wash?
The black one, it's obvious.
You're not fit to understand the Talmud.
- Not fit?
- You don't use your head.
The black one sees the white one.
He obviously thinks he's also white.
The white one sees the black one
thinks he's black too,
and so only the white one washes.
The white thinking he's black
sees a black thinking he's white,
while the black sees a white
who thinks he's black.
The white sees his hand is white
and the black's is black.
What are you saying?
The one with the clean hand won't wash
and the one with the dirty hand will?
You can be clean and want to wash,
or dirty and not want to.
You can want to wash
and not realize you're dirty.
You feel dirty.
Feel dirty.
We can always feel dirty.
You're making him neurotic.
A neurotic chimney sweep,
obsessed by cleanliness.
Hold on.
Why a black and a white?
It's a trap.
You're right. They should both be black.
Maybe the first one
out of the chimney collects the soot.
You mean...
he clears the passage.
So the first comes out black,
the second, white.
Too easy.
Why such a subtle question
for so simple an answer?
I'm trying to understand!
Trying to understand?
Me too.
I'm trying to understand.
To reiterate.
Two chimney sweeps come out.
One white, one black.
Which one washes himself?
Imagine that it's night.
The white one sees he's white.
Harder for the black one.
How can they work at night?
Why not? They're free!
Why bring up freedom?
They're honest workers.
They need to work by day.
All right.
They started out during the day
and ran behind.
They finish at night.
In winter it's dark early.
Chimney sweeps in winter?
They usually come before winter.
- Autumn.
- It can snow then.
If they're blind,
white and black mean nothing.
Two blind chimney sweeps?
If the question was
"Two blind men exit a chimney,
black and white, who washes?"
You're straying.
The Talmud would have said blind men.
I find it too easy to say
only the dirty one washes.
How can two blind guys
sweep without seeing?
Blind people play piano!
Now they play piano?
No, no, I was just saying...
If two blind men can play Beethoven,
they can sweep a chimney.
The question isn't
"Which pianist will wash?"
that's exactly the question.
- But with chimney sweeps.
- Blind?
Do chimney sweeps play piano?
- Why not?
- Fine.
Can I ask a question?
Ever see a chimney sweep?
Not white, not black, not Jewish.
Just a sweep.
And you?
Let's start over.
Two chimney sweeps leave a chimney...
I understand.
It must be our fault.
If people don't like Jews,
maybe it's the Jews' fault.
Maybe they cause their own problems.
Who knows?
I try to come to terms with this.
What harm did we do?
Do we want non-Jews dead?
Do Jews organize pogroms,
Do we destroy churches and mosques?
What did we do?
Sefardi, okay.
We're excited, talk loud, use our hands.
Say we deserve it.
But Ashkenazi...
What did they do?
They're nice, discreet,
almost like goys.
Whatever we did...
I am so sorry.
I apologize.
I'm Jewish, I'm sorry.
I apologize.
Mea culpa.
Can we start over from scratch?
Wouldn't that be easiest?
I'm searching.
I haven't found out why.
We bear a cross.
We're the Christians!
The first Intifada.
War of Independence.
Isabella the Catholic.
Mossad HQ
Without Hitler
there would be more of us.
Both here and abroad.
It's tempting.
But that's not the best idea.
Everyone hates us for killing Jesus.
Our trouble began there.
Now another question.
Where are you?
- Hello, Norbert.
- I was showering.
Can I come in?
How's everything?
Glad to be home.
Get dressed, make coffee,
tell the girl to go.
You went there alone,
took out the guy seamlessly.
Great job.
You came to congratulate me.
And to tell you
you're our best agent.
Out with it.
Small step for man, big one for mankind.
Know it?
Is this a quizz?
New mission.
Spit it out!
Neil Armstrong's famed mission
will pale next to yours, Norbert.
Mission code name:
We're proud of you.
We've been on this for decades.
We finally have our time machine.
You'll be
the world's first time traveler.
2,000 years into the past.
Find the house of Joseph and Mary.
Eliminate the child.
This isn't what Moshe said.
I will not kill a child.
- Sudden death syndrome is a classic.
- No babies.
Don't move.
The baby became a revolutionary goy
who converted tons of Jews.
If he'd stayed a rabbi, we'd be fine.
Look at me!
I'm a Mossad agent,
not an actor in a peplum.
It looks great on you.
He's right.
The Church of the Nativity.
No one was born there.
Mary didn't have Jesus here.
Why all the pilgrimages?
We all revise our history.
We negotiate with truth.
Look at my wife. She cheated on me.
She left with a small, poor and ugly guy.
Her version now?
I was ignoring her.
She cheats. My fault.
She's a negationist, that's what.
The grotto is a mile away,
near Jerusalem.
Go there the second you arrive.
How do I find it?
Google Earth.
I'll be in your earbud.
Aren't we the Mossad?
What if it fucks up?
As usual.
It fucks up.
You're on, Norbert.
A black screen?
It's his subjective vision.
When he wakes up,
his eyes will be yours.
Aren't we the Mossad?
Movement nearby.
It's a man.
He is young.
And he's sleeping.
It's a man!
What the hell is this?
Subjective vision is on.
Can you hear me?
How do you feel?
From heaven, in a chariot!
The Messiah!
What's wrong?
What's wrong?
Space-time transmission bug.
We're in real time.
Where is he?
Find Norbert.
Norbert, read me?
Where are you heading?
The Messiah!
The Messiah! He's here!
Norbert, listen.
They think you're the Messiah.
Listen to them.
Get out of there or you're dead.
But I am dead.
you sent me to heaven.
Why remove waterproof earbuds?
It's warm.
Why not come swim?
Are you the Messiah?
I hear you came from heaven.
Her again!
She was always easy.
True to form.
She knows no limits.
But with the Messiah... Seriously!
God knows what Joseph sees in her.
Wait till he finds out.
Don't do it again, prick!
- She's gorgeous.
- Gorgeous!
You're on a mission,
not vacation in Tel Aviv!
- Stay a little.
- Stop.
She said to stop!
You pervert!
Come on.
2,000 years behind you!
Would you fuck a mental retard?
No, the Messiah must behave.
The Messiah loves.
Messiah is love, all is love.
Love one another!
You don't get it yet.
Jesus before Jesus.
Pure plagiarism!
I doubt you're the Messiah.
Oh yeah?
You'd do miracles otherwise.
Now you're screwed.
Not at all.
Not at all what?
The Messiah doesn't do miracles.
The Messiah is God's messenger.
I speak to Him.
I converse with God.
Want to hear?
Don't hold your breath, buddy.
God will speak to me?
To me?
Talk or I'm out.
What are you saying?
He will tell you Himself
that all is love.
The Messiah loves.
The Messiah is love.
All is love.
Everyone must love one another.
Norbert, I can't do that!
But I want you!
Hurry, leave!
Norbert, wait.
Take my son.
Meet me outside the village.
His name is Jesus.
You're a genius, Norbert.
You have baby Jesus.
- Why was he here?
- Who?
The Messiah.
Come on, how dumb do I look?
Go on, strangle him.
Kill him!
First God, now the Messiah?
I never cheated on you.
And I stayed a virgin with God.
Who got you pregnant?
The Holy Ghost. I already told you.
Is he crazy?
Where are you going?
Check him out.
- Where?
- Over there.
In the toga?
He's hot.
He looks like Jesus. You're crazy.
Even hotter.
Hello, son.
Can I help you?
I think of her always.
Night and day.
You should go home.
Get some rest.
She loves me.
She loves me. I'm sure of it.
Of course she loves you.
Of course.
She loves us all.
She loves me.
She wanted me to meet her.
To give me her son.
Her son?
Baby Jesus.
He loves you too, you know.
She wanted me to take him.
But he's here.
- Taking him was right.
- I didn't take him!
I left him on the ground.
I couldn't kill him.
Good, my son.
Very good.
Thank you.
Oh my God...
I need to call my mom.
Shall I have her come?
I'll do it.
You're right, son.
She's beautiful.
How are you?
Much better.
Not jet-lagged?
I must go back. I'm going crazy.
What do I tell the boss?
You fucked up.
Yes, I fucked up.
It's true.
Moshe, seriously,
we weren't prepared.
No time.
Send me back.
I'll ring his neck and come back.
Aren't we the Mossad?
I should have had him iced ages ago.
Drop it.
Only Norbert can pull off Revi-Zionism.
Who says it's not for her?
I have an idea.
You okay, Norbert?
Read us loud and clear?
Norbert, do you hear me?
Yes, I hear you.
But not well.
Can you hear me?
Yes, Norbert.
We hear and see you perfectly.
I can't hear you anymore.
We can hear you!
- Is that Moshe?
- Yes, I'm here.
I lost you.
How could I trust you?
It's me. It's Norbert.
I'm coming!
Excuse me, ma'am.
Where's Mary?
It's you.
Wake up!
The real Messiah is back, named Norbert.
He's the rage of Bethlehem!
His picture is all over!
They want to see him, touch him!
He's the real Messiah.
Find me this Norbert.
You're making a huge mistake.
It's tempting.
But not the best idea.
The world blames us
for having killed Norbert.
Our trouble began there.
may my joy remain
In Your name
and forever
Here I go again.
Second time this week.
Two analysis sessions a week.
Just to talk about Jews.
I can't stand it.
Poor him.
Maybe he can't stand it either.
But with what he charges...
It's all I talk about.
Jews, Jews, Jews...
Of course he's fed up.
Look how obsessed I am.
I can't even stop myself.
...the laws which God gave to Moses...
Why not Adam and Eve while you're at it?
I'm pathetic.
I'm going crazy.
I'm sick of Jews, of being a Jew.
I'd love to be a goy.
Even to be an anti-Semite.
Sick trip!
I dream that the Jews are the others,
constantly conspiring all around me.
Is there a Jewish conspiracy?
Why are you asking,
because I'm black?
Thank you.
Come back!
Would you ask that to a Jew?
Would you ask that to a Jew?
Why can't I be Jewish?
Because I'm black?
The famous Jewish conspiracy.
I just want to say
a Jewish doctor operated on my daughter.
He saved her life.
Is there a Jewish conspiracy?
We should all conspire like them!
Greenbaum, you know.
He's my lawyer.
He got me out of serious shit.
Are you asking because I'm Arab?
Because I'm Muslim?
I am Charlie.
I am a cop.
I am Jewish.
Is there a Jewish conspiracy?
I don't know, Jewish conspiracy or not.
But speaking of Jews...
Yvan Attal...
can conspire me
whenever, wherever.
Let's conspire!
Wouldn't that be great?
Magic world, no anti-Semites
and every girl wants me.
I'll ask again.
Do you have this dream often?
Which one?
It's so important for you?
Being a Jew.
And you?
We're talking about you.
I ask you the question.
- Which one?
- Is being Jewish so important?
What's being Jewish?
You're acting Jewish now.
Answering with a question.
What's the question?
What is being Jewish?
Some people say
you're Jewish if your mother is.
Others say if your father is,
because you have his name.
The Talmud says
you're Jewish if your children are.
Being Jewish is about transmission.
She acted like an idiot.
Which she is.
Tatatata, said Madame Verdurin.
What do you know?
We didn't go see them, did we?
Madame Verdurin...
Same time next week?
I'll be going now.
Thanks for them.
They enjoy your time together.
Alzheimer patients
don't forget everything?
Not everything.
I'm pleased they enjoy it.
Good evening.
You too.
Good evening, everyone.
Did you know there are Jews in China?
There are.
Even there.
And those assholes sing.
- In Chinese?
- In Hebrew! With a Chinese accent.
Pretty hard on the ears.
I can't stand their Holocaust.
You can't say that.
I can say whatever I want!
20 years here!
For 20 years, every single day,
busloads of Jews,
Jew speeches, Jew ceremonies!
Jew candle-lighting.
It's nonstop Jew, 27/7.
Sorry, I've had enough.
I'm going to lose it!
That's no reason to blast the TV.
The neighbor filed a complaint
to the police.
So what?
Let her file it!
Let her file it!
I wish her well. I'll file one too.
- Against the neighbor?
- No, the Jews.
The Jews and their memory!
As if only the Jews in all of history
ever suffered.
- It's true.
- Roger.
What, Christiane?
Are the Jews alone?
I doubt it.
Do Jews have a monopoly on suffering?
How about blacks, Arabs, Gypsies,
Italians, Armenians, Polacks?
Didn't they suffer?
Didn't I suffer?
Suffered from what?
I suffered...
I suffered from...
being a redhead, in fact.
Don't laugh.
I'm serious. I never told anyone.
It was very painful
to be a redhead in a...
blond-brown world.
I was teased, taunted, ridiculed.
They'd say I got my suntan
under a colander.
Not once did someone,
not once, let alone twice,
at least acknowledge my pain.
Not once, not once!
Know why?
Jews get all the sympathy!
Every last drop!
Know what?
Why not form an association?
A memorial, while you're at it.
Any press?
Local union radio,
a volleyball newsletter
and a web video guy, pal of mine.
We're off!
After Holocaust Day,
Women's Day
and Hearing Disabled Day...
Redhead Day! Redhead Day!
A day of recollection,
memory and exchange.
Redhead Day!
I can't do redder.
That's very, very red!
It's awful.
It's red.
It looks good on you.
It's original.
Listen, don't look so glum.
If you don't like it,
I'll re-dye it brown.
My husband won't let me go home
if I'm not a redhead.
Since the association,
he thinks, sleeps, breathes red.
Every Sunday, a march,
a pilgrimage,
he wants to start a festival this summer.
It's all about redheads now.
I can't even have brown hair anymore.
I'm wiped out.
As a blonde,
I feel my dignity is on the line!
They already call us dumb!
Yes, she's right.
We can't accept to be negated.
Blondes deserve the same rights
as redheads.
What did he get with his association?
April 12th is now Redhead Day.
Not bad.
Yes, and...
there's going to be a statue
on the town square,
and they're thinking
of a museum project.
Redheads throughout History.
It's crazy!
Why not a Blonde Museum?
Blondes have more fun!
We see red! We see red!
I don't know what to do.
18 wounded, 5 burnt cars,
cops can't keep up.
What next?
One-eyed people.
And the blind
now called "double one-eyed".
Alzheimer's Association.
They want their own day as well.
To recall their lack of recall.
What is this bullshit?
You can't refuse.
Alzheimer's is a national cause.
They'll go to the ministers,
the associations.
What do they want?
Your presence
and monthly workshops all over town
to recall their lack of recall.
Memory, the recollection of our lives,
is what makes us human,
differentiating us from animals.
But this memory is selective.
It stocks only the important facts.
The other stuff doesn't stick around
for long,
and with Alzeimher's, not at all.
A patient may remember
falling down the stairs at age 5,
but not his phone number,
so important to daily life.
Today, as we recall the lack of recall,
we worked
on this type of memory.
Name, address,
ID, phone number...
We set them to music,
learned it with the patients,
like nursery rhymes with children.
You'll see,
the result is absolutely stunning.
Me too,
I have a phone starting with 06
And 3 kids
In a house from '69
And a wife
dressed to the 9s
And all that
makes 06 36 97...
97... I remember.
No, 99.
No, it's me, I'm...
Yes... 97.
I have the music. Sing along.
... 06 97
36 23...
Very good, Lucien.
Next patient.
I said that it's 97!
My number is...
I remember, I'm...
with my father...
and my little brother.
They ordered us to show our arms.
My father made me promise
never to forget.
I am...
Let's all sing our song.
It's written here.
You don't feel like talking.
What for?
And your work?
It's fine.
Still my film on anti-Semitism.
Complicated but coming along.
Have you decided?
Leaving France?
Billy Wilder says...
Billy Wilder, the director.
"The pessimists are in Hollywood,
the optimists in Auschwitz".
I think I can still be optimistic.
Because I love France.
I believe in it.
As you know, the situation is worsening.
We've tried everything.
The left and the right.
The French work hard.
Very hard.
They deal with unemployment,
stagnating growth...
diminished spending power.
Let's admit it once and for all.
Nothing works.
We have all failed.
After hours, days,
weeks of thinking it over.
I've reached this conclusion.
We must innovate.
Think out of the box.
Try new things,
powerful things, radical things.
I've found a solution.
But I need you on board.
Let me take my idea all the way through.
Some of you will react brutally,
but please, once again...
let me present my case.
If we look at the situation clearly,
we see that only the Jews are getting by.
Let me finish!
Not only are they rich,
they help each other.
The conclusion I have drawn
is that I propose
to be very simple.
Since the Jews are rich...
and united...
let's all become Jewish.
Why not?
Some quiet please.
Now the question
is how to pass the reform.
The people must decide.
What is this nonsense?
What do they think?
The French are crazy.
This smells fishy.
I have a bad feeling.
Relax. You're too anxious.
This is bad for us.
Shortly, at 8 pm,
we'll have the results
for the referendum.
Voter turn-out numbers are exceptional.
98% of the French have voted.
The government is overjoyed.
In 10 seconds, the final figures.
The French have voted yes,
68% of them.
Shalom, brothers.
What did I say?
Whenever there are Jews...
Yes, anti-Semitism comes back.
Did it ever go away?
Did it ever go away?
I got asked to play a Muslim in a play.
A great role.
Story of a guy, perfectly integrated.
His daughter starts practicing
and he's confronted
by all the clichs about Islam.
I identified with that guy,
with what he feels.
His fears,
his paranoia...
That off-limits stuff.
I'm that guy.
He's my brother.
But should I accept it?
I fear being blamed for doing it,
not being able to defend it sincerely.
To be told I'm not credible, as a Jew.
That's the problem.
That's how we see each other now.
Jews, Muslims,
gays, fat people, redheads...
I'd like to think
it's just the story of a man.
I'd like to be able to say yes.
I'm going to say yes.