The Joke Thief (2018) Movie Script
1
[jazz music]
I know we've been down
This long road
[laughs]
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,
my name is Simon.
My name's Simon.
My name's Simon.
Hey Tex, where you from,
Cincinnati?
Hey Tex, where you from?
Cincinnati?
How did the punk rocker
cross the street?
He stapled a chicken
to his head.
Hey, doc.
I got this problem,
nobody pays attention to me.
Next, please.
Hey, doc. I got this problem,
I can't make friends,
you big fat fucking slob.
Hey!
Grasshopper walks into a bar.
Bartender looks
at the grasshopper and says,
"Hey, you know we got a drink
named after you?"
Grasshopper says,
"You got a drink
named Herman? Ho!"
Hey Tex, where you from,
Cincinnati?
So I walk into this bar,
and go to the bartender and say,
"Hey, you wanna hear
a good Polish joke?"
He goes... "I'm Polish.
You see that guy
with the big neck?
He's fucking Polish.
Still wanna tell that joke?"
I said, "No." He goes,
"Why, you're scared?"
"No." "Then why don't you want
to tell the joke?"
"I don't want
to explain it twice."
- [clink]
- [Sal] Cheers.
[Freddy] Salud.
Whoa. [chuckles]
I get a message.
"Sally wants to talk to you.
Do you have time?"
Do I have time? Come on,
I always have time for you.
I need you to do me
a little favor,
it's about Simon.
It's a big night tonight.
I'd love for you to give
Simon a chance.
Just this once. It's a big deal.
[sighs] Sal.
- Simon, the joke thief?
- I know, I know.
Well, you know...
There's people here who don't
exactly love him, you know?
I care about the guy,
he's a good guy.
But you're asking a lot.
He tells a good joke.
When he tells them,
they're funny.
He's funny.
He's a little funny worm,
isn't he?
Yeah, and he steals
from the best.
You want me to do
a favor for him?
Or you want me to do
a favor for you?
It's the same thing.
Look, I want...
- Uh, uh, uh!
- It's the same thing.
I mean, I want him to be able
to prove to himself
that he can do it.
This is national.
This is going national!
For me, is this a favor for you?
Yeah. It's a favor for me.
Then it's done.
Why do you even ask?
You know, for you,
I would do anything.
- Put him on.
- I love you, man.
[ringing]
[ringing]
Yeah?
[Seb] Hey, Simon. Hi, it's Seb.
Uh... You want something to eat?
[Simon] What do you mean?
What are you, Jenny Craig,
you wanna feed me?
[laughs] No, no!
I got a really big
room service order
with a really fine,
exquisite bottle of wine
going up, you want it?
Yeah, I appreciate it.
Yeah, I'll look after you.
You don't have
to pay for anything.
Just look in the peephole
and it'll be covered.
Okay. Thanks.
[Seb] No problem.
Bon appetit, enjoy yourself.
Yep.
Fucking guy!
Jenny Craig of all people.
[phone ringing]
- Yes?
- Come on down, I need you here.
I'm right here.
Put the tray down,
get down here.
I need you right now, okay?
Okay.
Kiss my ass.
Another one.
I'd swim
Halfway across the sea
Please notice me
And maybe
There's something I can be
The night is ticking by
So fast
I don't think my courage
Is gonna last
You don't know
If I'm dead or alive...
[William] Amy, honey.
Is my brother in yet?
[Amy] It's a little early
for your brother.
You know, I love him,
but you're way too soft
on your brother.
If I'm gonna be soft on someone,
it's gonna be my brother.
He's the only brother I got.
And I love him.
[Amy sighs]
[funky jazz]
Keep my head up
Please notice me...
[phone ringing]
S? I mean, yes?
You know, on second thought,
don't bother.
It's taken care of.
You don't need me anymore?
Okay.
Please notice me...
Nice.
I'd swim
Halfway across the sea
Where's everything?
- [phone ringing]
- [sighs]
Hello?
- Simon, is that you?
- [applause]
Yeah.
I'm here
at The Basement Comedy Club.
- Yeah?
- And then they...
They're going national tonight.
They want you to do a set.
Tonight?
I just made myself
something nice to eat.
- What are they paying?
- Two hundred.
- [cheers and applause]
- Two hundred bucks?
Did I not say two hundred?
- And how long is this set?
- Five minutes...
What am I gonna wear?
You know what you're gonna wear.
- [laughter]
- Wear what you always wear.
I feel so tangled in my soul
- [Brian] Hey.
- Dad, you wanted me?
[Brian] Come on, sit down.
Listen, I want to talk to you.
What did I do now?
You did nothing.
You know
you're a great salesman.
Customers love you.
I get a lot of reports,
a lot of feedback.
I get lots of feedback.
Your brother,
he's a good administrator.
But you,
you could sell anything.
Proverbial refrigerator
to an Eskimo.
Dad!
Dad!
I just sold my first car
and I totally grossed
the piss out of this idiot.
Yes, he did.
[laughs]
I just got to say, you know,
everything's got a shelf life.
Including me.
But I've still got
a lot of kick left.
But, you know,
I'm moving towards retirement.
I want to spend more time
with your mother.
And this business,
it belongs to both of you.
And I want you boys
to take care of the business.
I want you to keep selling cars,
I want your brother
to be the administrator
because he's good at that.
- So he'll be my boss?
- You're good at selling cars.
- He's not going to be your boss.
- [William] Simon.
I will never be your boss.
But I'll always be your brother.
Simon,
we know what you want.
We know you want
to be a comedian.
And you're talented.
You're funny.
And I don't want to stand
in your way of that.
But you always have to have
a fallback plan.
A contingency plan,
in case things don't work out.
And this is it.
You can always come back
and sell a car.
This business
will always be yours.
It'll be yours...
and yours.
But he will be running it.
He'll run it,
and you'll sell cars.
Dad, you know I love you.
It's your business,
you do what you want.
You built this
and I don't want to talk
anymore, okay?
- I gotta go.
- Simon!
Bro!
Dad, let me go talk to him.
No. No, no.
No, this is not a brother
to brother thing,
this is a...
father to son thing.
I'm going to talk to him.
[smooth jazz]
[Brian] Got a minute?
- You taking my office now?
- [Brian laughs]
Simon! Nobody is going
to take your office.
Can I sit down?
- It's your place.
- [laughs]
You can sit
anywhere you want, dad.
I'm going to clear something up
right away.
This is our place.
Simon... [sighs]
I know what we talked about
in there hurt your feelings.
But listen, son.
You guys don't have any faith
or trust in me.
I trust you implicitly.
But somebody
has to be the driver,
and you've always loved
being the passenger.
And that's what you are.
He's going to drive
the business.
You're the passenger.
You're going to sell cars,
and I believe you're going
to be successful in your dream.
And that's what I want.
But right now...
I want to give you something.
It's so important.
Is that my consolation prize?
This...
This is a vest
that my father gave me.
And his father gave him.
It's been handed down
and I think it's a lucky vest.
I can't wear it anymore,
you know? But...
I want you to have it.
It's going to be a lucky vest
for you, Simon.
It's special.
This is the legacy.
And when
I'm not around anymore...
You're going to think of me
when you wear this,
and it's going to bring you
a lot of luck.
It's yours, Simon. I love you.
Love you, son.
They're offering you
two hundred fucking dollars.
Okay.
I'll be there.
Now! Like now,
like five minutes ago.
Okay.
- Okay? Don't be late.
- [cheers]
Hey, no, no. Hey, listen.
Don't be late.
[uptempo jazz]
I know that you're
Out of my league
I just want you to notice me
I've got no cash
- Or fancy car
- [phone ringing]
- What the fuck?
- [phone ringing]
Hello?
- Simon.
- Hey, William.
Hey, are you coming in
today, bro?
I'm sorry.
No, I'm not coming in.
Got a big break tonight.
I'm going to The Comedy Basement
to do a set,
and it's going to be televised.
Wow, congratulations!
That's good news.
Thank you, I appreciate it.
Can I get a car?
Simon, you know I can't do that.
[clicks tongue]
What the fuck, man?
We own a dealership
and you won't give me a car?
Every time we give you
a company car, you sell it.
I'll get you a ride. Uber.
Come on, man.
I don't want to go in an Uber.
They all fucking smell
like curry.
Simon, not every Uber driver
is from India.
There are all kinds of guys:
Irish, Italian, Chinese guys!
[huffing]
Come on, please.
Tell me when you need the car,
and I'll get it over there.
Twenty minutes.
Done. Hey, I'm proud of you.
You going to come?
Absolutely.
Really?
I'll be there.
- Okay.
- I love you.
- I'll see you tonight, bro.
- Thanks.
[funky jazz music]
Nothing better in my head
Please notice me
I'd swim
Halfway across the sea
- Please...
- [door slams]
[Jerry] Mr. Simon! Welcome!
My brother's a fucking idiot.
I am Jagdish
but you can call me Jerry.
How you doing, Jerry?
[Jerry] Easy.
[Jerry grunts]
[Jerry] All buckled in, sir?
I have to put my seatbelt on?
[Jerry] That's the law, sir.
[smooth jazz]
I know we've been down
This long road
And here's something
That I've been told
Everyone makes
So many mistakes
So tell me, honey
What it's gonna take
Because sometimes
Things change, I know
And sometimes
Things never seem the same
[crescendo]
Can you just take me
Seriously?
Can you just grab my hand
And give me
One more opportunity
Because everyone
Has a moment of grace
Save face
[Jerry]
How is your day going, sir?
Good.
By the way, do you like my car?
It's brand new.
It's nice.
I'm very proud of it.
[Simon] Nice.
It's fast.
Like a tiger!
[Simon] Can you do me a favor,
though? Can you slow it down?
Because what I ate for breakfast
is going to come out
of my nose and my ass.
Very good, sir.
[soft jazz music]
What is it that you do, sir?
What is your profession?
[turning signal]
[sighs heavily]
I'm a... I'm a comedian.
[Jerry] You are telling
and writing jokes, then?
I tell jokes,
I write some jokes.
But I'm a comedian.
So, some people sing,
but they don't necessarily...
write all their songs.
[Jerry] I have never met
a joke teller before.
It is an honor.
Thank you, I appreciate it.
Is it... a good job?
It's... I guess you have
to be committed... to it.
Just, I guess,
like you're committed
to the job you do.
I love my job.
I love my job! [laughs]
I hope you love your job, sir.
- [jazz music]
- [cheers and applause]
[chuckling]
Huh. That's shit.
[grumbles and chuckles]
[unintelligible mumbling]
Hey, what time is it?
[stage hand]
Start going on in ten minutes.
Fuck.
Fucking Simon.
Please, sir. Tell me a joke.
I like to laugh.
Okay.
You know why blonde women
have bruised belly buttons?
No.
[Simon] Because blonde guys
are dumb, too.
I... I do not understand.
Because blonde guys are dumb.
They think the belly button
is the vagina,
so they're tapping that.
[phone rings]
Excuse me.
Hello?
- Simon. Where are you?
- [cheers]
I'm in an Uber, I'm on my way.
[Jerry] Twenty-two minutes, sir.
Thank you for that.
Apparently it's 22 minutes.
Simon, please
don't fuck this up, okay?
I'm on my way.
- Simon? Si... Fuck.
- [laughter]
[cheers and applause]
[sighs]
Is that your... best joke, sir?
It's very good. Uh, very good.
But you didn't laugh.
Well, I didn't understand it,
but I am new
to this country, and...
Can you do me a favor
and slow down?
Because I'm going to be
fucking sitting
on your spare tire soon, Jerry.
I'm sorry, sir.
This is a very fast car.
I'm just learning how to...
So maybe
you should have bought a...
a Hyundai.
Hyundai is a very
good car as well, but...
this one is fast like a tiger.
[uptempo jazz]
Just relax. Hey, relax.
Just be honest with your
brother, he's your brother.
Will you stop it,
you're fucking lame.
Alright.
Alright. Ooh!
- Hi.
- Hi. How are you?
- Pretty good.
- Is my brother busy?
Does it matter?
Even if he was,
he's always got time for you.
- Go ahead.
- Appreciate it.
- Can I go in?
- Yeah, of course.
Look who it is! [chuckles]
- How are you doing, bro?
- Hey, bro.
What is that? Come here, you!
I love you.
- Good to see you, come in!
- You too.
Sally, what's up?
Hey, champ. [grunts]
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey.
- Come on.
[William] So.
What can I do for you boys?
[Simon] Well, you know...
I'm a little slug.
I'm a little tight, and...
for some scratch,
and I was hoping
you could give me an advance.
Simon, you know the deal.
We get paid
the same every month.
If I blow through my money,
I don't cut myself
another check.
So. But you,
you can step out on the floor
any time you want,
and make it happen. Listen.
Get out there and sell a car,
I'll give you
the commission right now.
Well, thanks for seeing us
but I don't want to sell a car.
Do it! Make it happen.
I'm not even dressed,
I don't even have a jacket.
I got you.
There we go.
Wow! That is a 30 pound jacket.
- Don't make me go sell a car.
- Come on, come on.
This is like breathing for you.
You keep my jacket
behind your door?
Yeah.
Go get 'em, tiger!
Watch this.
Watch this?
What are you talking about?
He's my best friend.
He's going to come back here
in two seconds with a contract.
Watch it.
Good afternoon, how are you?
- Good, thanks. How are you?
- My name is Simon.
- Hi, Bernard.
- Good to meet you, Bernard.
Call me Bernie.
I'm just looking around.
Bernie?
I'll just tell you
about the car,
because that's my job.
- Sure.
- You like the car?
I like it, yeah.
You know, Bernie,
I have to tell you something.
When they say they don't make
them like they used to...
Thank God,
because they used to be
- a pile of shit.
- [Bernie chuckles]
This is a car.
The highest level of technology,
the software synchs up
with your phone,
whether it's Apple or Android.
All wheel drive, 2000 CCs,
it's an equal boost engine,
it's great on gas.
This is a quick car.
- Yeah. It's nice.
- And look at the back seat.
If you want to bang a chick
in the back seat,
you ain't going to break
a vertebrae.
[laughing] I'm married,
but thanks for the info.
Take the wife in the back seat.
- Do you love the car?
- I do, yeah.
Can I make a suggestion, Bernie?
- Sure.
- Let's go in my office and talk.
- What do you think?
- Okay, Simon.
Thanks.
- Bernie, come in please.
- Yeah.
- Sit down, buddy.
- Thanks.
[Bernie exhales heavily]
Bernie.
I was born into this business.
It's my dad
that started this business,
he started as a salesman.
I'm talking to you
like a brother.
The car... Do you love that car?
I love that car.
It's a lovely car.
...fits your perfectly.
- A car's got to fit you, buddy.
- Yep.
It's got a 2000 CC
equal boost engine,
it's good on gas.
It's not a dog.
Because most of these cars
that are fuel-efficient
you have to get out
and fucking push.
But... here's the problem.
If you don't take this car,
and they sell it, it's six,
eight, maybe ten weeks.
Almost a whole model year.
And I won't go back and forth.
I'm going to give you
the best deal possible,
first time.
Make the deal,
and then you can pick it up.
I can have it PDI'd
and out of the showroom
by tomorrow.
No, not at all.
No, I'm going to have to check
with my wife, you know?
I respect that.
Second largest investment
of your life is your car.
- Yeah, right.
- I'm on your side, Bernie.
And you'll probably try
to bang her in the back seat,
like you said.
There's lots of room.
Nothing like romance.
This is what I'm going to do.
I want to hold the car for you.
So, there's a little box here
where it says remarks,
I'm going to put "Must...
ask...
- [pen scratching]
- wife's...
permission...
to buy...
the car."
If she gives you the go-ahead,
then we take this off.
Give me the fucking paperwork.
Nobody tells me
whether I can buy a car or not.
You're a good boy, Bernie.
[jazz music]
[cheering]
Thank you!
Thank you, thank you!
Thank you.
Thank you!
Welcome to The Comedy Basement.
And remember, when you're here,
in The Comedy Basement,
there is only one place
left to go,
and that is up!
[cheering]
My name is Freddy C.
I am your host and the owner
of this beautiful establishment.
- [cheering]
- My first guest
is an up-and-comer,
he's known all around the area,
we're very honored to have,
ladies and gentlemen,
he's no longer driving
for NASCAR,
Mr. Jeff Elliott!
[cheers and applause]
[Jeff]
Hey, guys. How's it going?
Alright. I'm really starting
to feel my age.
I hurt myself sleeping.
[laughter]
Did you know that was a thing
you could do?
I was taking a nap.
I woke up,
my shoulder was really sore.
Doesn't go away for two weeks.
So I go to the doctor,
they take some X-rays.
Ah... turns out I tore
my rotator cuff...
[audience] Aw.
...while I was taking a nap!
[laughter]
If you guys are familiar
with this injury,
it's usually reserved
for professional athletes.
Most specifically,
baseball pitchers
tear their rotator cuffs a lot.
I knew I was good at sleeping.
[laughter]
Apparently I'm ready
for the big leagues!
I'll say this too,
these baseball pitchers
tear their rotator cuffs,
they're done.
For a year,
they don't play baseball.
I was back in bed
sleeping that night.
[laughter and applause]
My next guest
is the most famous sock
in the entire world!
Unlike his brother
who never quite made it.
He's the sock that's still
left out on the highway.
[audience] Ah...
Ladies and gentlemen,
Ed the Sock!
[cheering]
[Ed] Alright, shut up already!
I don't believe your sincerity.
Thank you very much
for that introduction.
I love the goatee, by the way.
Very Wesley Snipes.
[laughter]
And thank you
for the reference to my brother
who's out on the highway.
I haven't heard that one before.
Though, of course, it's better
than the "brother that you
jerked off into as a teenager."
Guys! I'm a sock!
That's my ethnicity.
I'm not defined by it.
Let's get past
those jokes, okay?
[laughter and applause]
Our next act...
We love seeing this man
when he comes
and garners our stage,
That Canadian guy...
Glen Foster!
[cheers and applause]
[Glen]
Alright, come on, come on...
Here we go. Oh, thank you
very much. That's very nice.
I hope I look alright. I, uh...
I've reached the age
where no matter what I wear,
I just come off
looking like a retired cop.
- [laughter]
- So...
Anyway, I do not need
any more stress in my life.
I live
with my pre-teen daughter,
- [audience] Oh!
- my pre-menopausal wife,
[laughter]
and... a previously abused
female Australian Shepherd.
- [laughter]
- Oh, yeah!
There are days
I walk through the door,
it is bitch, bitch, bitch.
[laughter]
But the dog is cute, so...
[laughter]
[Simon] I'll give you
another joke.
So this guy is in his room.
He's in a hospital.
And...
the doctor comes in the room,
and he says,
"Mr. Smith,
I got some good news,
- and some bad news."
- [Jerry grunts]
So he says,
"Give me the bad news first
and then you can pacify me
with the good news."
Goes, "Well, the bad news is
you got gangrene
on both your feet,
we're going to have
to cut them off."
"So what the fuck's
the good news?"
"The guy in the other room
wants to buy all your shoes."
Because they wear the same...
they wear the same size.
And, and then?
Oh, that is it?
I got to check my messages
because you're depressing me.
Okay? Anyways.
They're very good jokes, sir.
Very good. But, I...
- [Simon] Apparently not.
- I've never heard them before.
I would love to study your jokes
so I understand them.
If you have to study a joke,
it's not funny.
[applause]
Now our next act
is known all around the world
as your neighborhood kid.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please give it up
for Jerry Caringi!
[cheers and applause]
[Jerry C.] Yeah! What's going on
here? What's going on?
Hey! Pasta fazool, how are you?
Hey, how are you?
Good to see you.
Hey! Faccia di polenta!
How are you?
How are you, man?
How are you doing, huh?
What a crowd, what a crowd!
- You feeling good?
- [audience] Yeah!
Ay!
Faccia di polenta, how are you?
Anyways, um... The Godfather.
It's getting serious.
He's in his office.
Something is going on.
So he calls in Rocco.
"Rocco, get in here!
I gotta ask you a question."
"Yes, Godfather. Anything."
"What's five plus five?"
Rocco answers, "Seven."
[audience chuckles]
Godfather slaps him in the face.
"You're a good boy.
You're very smart.
Thank you. Go get Anthony.
Send him in here.
Stay outside."
Anthony comes waltzing in,
kind of worried.
Godfather asks Anthony,
"Anthony...
I'm going to ask you a question.
Give me a straight answer.
Are you ready?"
Anthony goes, "Yeah."
"What's five plus six?"
"Ah, that's easy. It's eleven."
Pulls out his gun, bang!
[laughter]
Falls to the floor! Ba da dum!
Rocco comes running in,
"Godfather! What's going on?
What did you do?"
"He knows too much."
[audience claps] Oh!
This woman has been known
all around the world
for her role on Growing Pains.
She also garnered the cover,
and throughout America
is known as a stunning Playmate
in Playboy magazine.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please give it up for...
Julie McCollough!
[cheering]
[Julie] How y'all doing?
[cheers and applause]
Thank you so very, very much
for having me here.
I've lived all over
the United States, y'all.
I've lived in North Carolina,
West by God Virginia,
Florida, Louisiana,
Missouri, Nevada,
Texas... Woo hoo for Texas!
California, and I was born
in Hawaii. Woo hoo!
Y'all could tell
I was Hawaiian, right?
Blonde hair, Southern accent...
Dead giveaway, she's Hawaiian!
[laughter]
(Woman speaking
foreign language)
- brothers.
- [audience] Whoo!
(Woman speaking
foreign language)
[audience] Ooh!
That means absolutely nothing.
[Julie and audience laugh]
- Now, our next guest...
- [applause]
He can tell jokes, he's funny,
he can sing, but please...
do not get him to dance
up here right now.
[audience chuckles]
Ladies and gentlemen,
Constantine Meglis!
[cheers and applause]
[Constantine] Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
How are you?
I happen to be six foot nine.
[audience] Ooh!
That's not... tall,
that's like monster tall.
[laughter]
Okay?
Even when I was a little kid.
My kindergarten picture...
I'm five years old,
just like the rest of the kids.
I look like I'm the teacher.
[laughter]
[Jerry] Sir, you are too hard
on your jokes.
I'm sure people who understand
them will find them funny.
I just don't understand them.
Okay.
Are you going to give
a show tonight?
Well, I'm...
I'm part of a show,
because it's a...
it's a bunch of comedians,
it's like a cavalcade,
and it's being televised
on cable.
Oh, my God!
That sounds very impressive.
I wish I could attend.
[chuckles]
But I must drive my car.
Are you... excited, sir?
I wouldn't say...
I'm excited, but...
I'm probably, I would say,
relieved, because if I do good,
this is basically
the break I'm looking for.
If I do bad,
I'll be selling cars
for the rest of my life.
Oh, my God. So it's
a very important event, then.
Yeah, you could say that. Yeah.
I'm wishing you
most excellent good luck, sir.
[Simon] Most excellent
good luck?
[Jerry] Most excellent
good luck.
Well I most excellently
appreciate your wishes.
And I hope they're true for me
and for my sake.
And congratulations on your car,
which is a tiger...
uh, in heat.
[laughs]
That joke I understand, sir.
[turning signal]
"Tiger in heat" you found funny?
Well a tiger in heat
would be very funny.
Uh, dangerous, but I see
how you make it funny.
You... you are good comedian.
Okay.
[laughter]
[Ed] Any ladies here
considering breast implants?
- [woman 1] No!
- [woman 2] Yes!
Any guys here considering
their ladies
should have breast implants?
[laughter]
Hey, here's the thing, ladies.
If you're with a guy
who wants you
to get a breast implant,
get rid of him!
The best breast enlargement
is sit closer!
[laughter]
Honestly, a breast enlargement
that a guy wants you to have,
it's only because he can't get
his penis made bigger.
[audience laughs] Oh!
[applause]
I am trying to take
care of myself,
'cause I'm a single guy.
Trying to figure out what women
find attractive in a man.
I think I have some things.
I don't know if you've noticed,
but my hands...
are pretty much gorgeous.
- [laughter]
- I take good care of them.
I've been told women look
at your hands
when they first meet you.
They also look at your eyes,
I've been told.
I've got some sweet baby blues
happening behind
these safety goggles.
[laughter]
And I've heard feet before,
which I didn't understand.
That sounds gross.
Who looks at a man's feet?
It's a size thing, right?
They think you got big shoes,
you got the... [whistles]
[laughter]
...big underpants, right?
Mine are a size 11.
[clicks tongue]
That is slightly above average.
[laughter]
They're 11 wide, actually.
[audience] Whoa!
Can barely get my gorgeous hands
around the thing.
[laughter]
[turning signal]
So, do you have...
all your friends and family
coming to see
your performance tonight?
Sure you going the right way?
It's faster, sir. Much faster.
- You sure?
- Very sure.
I don't know
if my family's coming.
I mean...
My father and my mother
are no longer here,
- unfortunately.
- I'm very sorry, sir.
And I have a brother,
and he's married.
And... that's us.
So hopefully he'll...
My brother will come tonight.
[smooth jazz]
I want you to stop
For just one second
I want you to take
One step back
Don't say one word
That you can't take back...
Come on, mom's waiting.
Let's go say goodbye.
I can't go. I... I can't do it.
Simon.
Let's go upstairs
and say goodbye to mom.
I don't want to say bye.
You've got to do it.
Hey.
You weren't there when dad died.
He was waiting for you.
Don't make the same mistake.
Why would you say that?
He wanted to say goodbye to you.
I know you regretted that.
Let's go, don't make
the same mistake. Come on!
That's it, there. Let's go.
[slow jazz]
...and you tore it apart
Threw it on the ground
And rolled it around
I am what I am
I'm my own man
And whether it's one second
Or another 100 years...
[William] Can you give us
a moment, please?
...never take anything
From someone like you...
[Audrey] Simon? There's a line
up at the gates of heaven.
Why are you keeping me
waiting, my son?
You've tried all your life
to make people laugh.
And you always
make yourself cry.
Why are you so sad, my son?
Then you understand
That you're so, so sad...
And what about your wife, sir?
Are you married?
- I'm not married, no.
- Ah.
Have you ever been married?
Jerry, It's tough enough
to get along with yourself,
let alone with somebody else.
No, I've...
never been married.
That is sad.
A man needs to be married.
Why, to be miserable?
Hm... you have not found
the right woman yet, I suppose.
Do they call you Jerry
'cause you're like
Jerry Springer?
[Jerry laughs] Who is that?
It's not important.
You know what? Everybody finds
their own happiness, Jerry.
I'm happy in my... in my...
[huffs] survival of life.
I'm okay. I'm good.
Yes, I understand.
I was very happy
with my Sharmila.
She's not with us
anymore, but...
I still talk to her every day.
[phone rings]
I have got to take this,
Jerry, okay?
[Jerry] Of course, sir.
Hello?
Si... Wha... What the fuck
are you doing, Simon?
You know what? I don't know
if I want to do this. I...
I don't want
to embarrass myself. I...
This is a... I guess
this is a big leap for me,
and I don't think I...
I don't think I want to do it.
What are you
fucking talking about?
I put my fucking balls
on the line for you.
But you told me they wanted me,
why are you telling me
that it's your ass?
I don't understand.
Of course they want you!
But I still had to put
my fucking balls on the line.
You know, credibility!
I'm the guy
who fucking recommended you.
What's the matter with you?
They want you!
Stop screaming
in my fucking ear.
Don't fucking do this to me.
Don't fucking do this
to yourself.
Get over here.
What the fuck are you doing?
Okay. [exhales heavily]
Sometimes I feel
like I'm married to you, Sally.
Okay. I'll do it.
We're on our way.
- Fuck!
- [cheers and applause]
[funky jazz]
There was a moment
In the past...
- Hey, Simon!
- Hey. Did you bring some money?
- [Sal] Of course I did.
- Good.
So tonight
you know what I'm thinking?
I want you to play
the deaf-mute.
I don't want to play
the deaf-mute.
You fucked it up already
- at playing the deaf-mute.
- [Sal laughs]
[funky jazz] Why so sad?
Why so bad?
Why so sad?
Times have become so bad
Why do you do this
If you just...
Hey, Garry.
[Garry]
Hey, Simon, what's going on?
Give me a scotch
with a couple of cubes, please.
Sure.
What do you... want to... drink?
You sure?
- Beer, for my buddy.
- [Garry] Sure.
- ...such a sad song
- [glass clinks]
One last time...
Good?
How you doing?
[Margaret] I, ah...
I speak sign language.
That isn't anything
that I recognize.
You know why?
'Cause we're speaking dialect.
Oh.[chuckles]
Ok.
[Margaret laughs]
[jazz music]
This is my favorite restaurant
in the whole world.
I love this place.
The food is absolutely amazing.
Well, you know why I come here?
The waiter.
He's like a father to me. Jack!
Buddy, we're ready.
[Jack]
Your favorite wine, Simon?
Absolutely.
It's my favorite
restaurant, I...
I come here all the time
and I love the waiter.
He's like a... father to me.
Jack?
This is my favorite restaurant
in the whole world.
I love this place.
And... the waiter
is like a dad to me. Jack!
We're ready, buddy.
Your favorite wine, Simon?
[pop]
- Miss?
- [Margaret] Please.
Thank you.
[wine gurgles]
- Ma'am?
- Please.
[wine gurgles]
Pinello!
- You spoil me, Simon.
- [glass clinks]
- Miss?
- Yes, please.
- [glass clinks]
- [wine gurgles]
Do you mind if I order for us?
Ah... nope. Thank you.
We're not going to need
the menus. I know exactly...
- Do you mind if I order for us?
- Not at all.
- [Simon] Do you mind if I order?
- No.
We're going to have
the filet mignon,
the lobster tail,
and I want them
to make the angel hair...
like they do for me,
alla puttanesca.
Please? Thank you.
So we're going to have
the filet mignon,
with the lobster.
We'll have the angel hair pasta
alla puttanesca.
Ok? Thank you.
We're going to have
the filet mignon,
the lobster tail,
and can you make that angel hair
alla puttanesca, please?
- Of course.
- Thank you.
[glasses clink]
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Thanks for coming out tonight.
- Thanks for having me.
- [clink]
[clink]
Do you mind? I've got
to make a quick call outside.
- I'll be right back.
- No problem.
I'm going to make a quick call.
Do you mind?
Not at all. Take your time.
I gotta make a quick call,
if you don't mind.
- Is that ok with you?
- Mm-hm.
- Sure.
- Be right back.
Everything's good?
- Amazing.
- Good.
Give me a sec.
I'll be right back.
Be back in a second.
Is everything alright?
Everything's amazing, but...
Jack, where's Simon?
He was making a call.
It's been a while...
Is everything alright?
Yes, excellent...
Is everything alright?
Mm, delicious, thank you.
[clink]
Where's Simon?
Is he coming back?
Nah.
[thud] Motherfucker!
[exhales heavily]
What a scumbag!
I'll fucking scratch
his eyeballs out
the next time I see him!
[inhales sharply]
[smooth jazz]
Look in the mirror
I just can't smile
- [phone rings]
- I need to find...
Simon, you ok?
Yeah, I'm good. Listen...
First of all, thank you
for the way you take care of me,
I appreciate it.
Anything for you.
It's ok, Simon.
That last girl,
I think her name was Margaret...
Yeah.
How did she take
paying the bill?
[chuckling] Well...
When she saw the bill,
she started laughing.
Ok...
Get the fuck outta here.
She started laughing?
Yeah, she was laughing.
Did she call me any names?
No. [chuckles]
Really?
Ok, thanks buddy.
I appreciate it.
I'll see you soon.
- Ok?
- It's ok. Anything, Simon.
You make me a man
You make me appreciate
[phone ringing]
Who I am...
Hello?
Um... Margaret?
- [laughing]
- It's Simon.
Wow, ah...
I'm surprised.
I honestly didn't think
I would hear from you again.
I really... I'm sorry
I had to leave, something...
came up and I couldn't get out
of it, and I apologize.
Ah-ha.
I'd like to make it up to you,
if possible.
Could I take you out again?
[scoffs]
You... you want me
to buy you dinner again?
No, no. I want to make it up
to you, and I got a big...
I got a big
thing going on tonight,
I'm performing
at The Comedy Basement.
It's being televised on cable.
And if you come...
If you can make it tonight,
I'd appreciate it,
and I'll make it up to you.
Ah...
[tsking] Let me think about it.
- Ok.
- [Margaret giggles]
Sorry about it, really.
I'm sorry about it,
I'll make it up to you. Ok?
- It's ok.
- Try to make it tonight.
- Ok.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
[laughter]
My daddy's
a hillbilly coal miner
from West by God Virginia.
So I'm a coal miner's daughter.
[cheers and applause]
He was a Marine,
he was in the United States
Marine Corps, so oorah!
- Yeah!
- Oorah!
My mama, she worked in a church
in Durham, North Carolina.
So naturally,
I am a Playboy Playmate.
[laughter]
True, I am Miss February...
[audience applauds] Whoo!
...1986.
[laughter]
I frickin' hate
saying that year,
it's a dead giveaway.
I'm old... erish.
I'm 33 years in Playmate years!
Whoo hoo!
[cheering]
Any guys here who like to send
pictures of their penises
to prospective dates?
Good, I'm glad nobody clapped.
[laughter]
'Cause I know
most of you are liars,
but at least you have
the common sense
not to admit it
in a crowd of people.
[laughter]
Not quite sure why a guy
would send a penis to a woman.
Is it like they hope
that later during the date
they can't be impersonated?
[laughter]
Like, "Wait a minute,
I've seen your penis,
and that's not your penis!"
I just don't understand it.
Women don't go for guys
for a penis.
Am I right, ladies?
By the time you know
the size of a guy's penis,
you've already committed.
Any ladies ever looked
at a penis and said,
"Sorry, I'm outta here?"
I imagine that would be
not because it's too small,
but because it's too big.
- [laughter]
- Ooh!
Ladies, you like 'em real big?
Hey, I don't understand that.
I thought the idea of sex
was that it was intimacy.
Why do you want
to have sex with a guy
who's in the other room?
Is everything alright, sir?
[Simon] It's ok, I guess.
You seemed to get very sober
with that telephone call.
Pardon me?
Somber, sober, sad.
For a comedian,
that doesn't sound good,
I don't think.
[Simon] I'm not sad. I'm just...
I think I just am...
got a lot going on in my mind
'cause I'm performing
and there's a lot of pressure,
'cause five minutes
for a comedian are an eternity.
[Jerry] Hmm... I understand.
But you are prepared
for these five minutes?
[Simon] Am I prepared?
Is anybody ever prepared
in life?
I don't know. We'll see.
I mean, everything is timing.
Sometimes when you're on stage
your timing is bang-on, and...
you're in the rhythm
of the audience and the crowd,
and sometimes
your timing is off,
and you die a slow death.
[Jerry] Hmm. Well, I have
faith in you, sir.
What kind of faith
are you talking about?
In my country...
there's very little reason
for faith.
In this country,
you have every reason for faith.
I have faith.
You have faith?
I have a gut feeling
about you, sir.
But you don't even know
who I am, or what I am.
[Jerry chuckles]
You know there's two types
of people in the world, right?
[stutters] What do you mean,
two types of people?
[Simon] There's good souls,
- and there's assholes.
- [Jerry chuckles]
How do you know I'm a good soul
and not an asshole?
Faith, sir. Faith.
[laughter]
[Glen] The dog is cute.
Roxy, that's her name.
We had a little compromise
with the dog.
I wanted to get a male dog
so we'd have
two neutered men in the family.
[laughter]
What happened was I took
my daughter to see the puppies,
and she fell in love
with a female,
and she named her Roxy,
because she has never been
to a strip club before.
[laughter]
I know,
it's such a stripper name!
If you're a guy, there's a list
of names in your head
and they're not
in your head all cutesy,
[high pitched]
it's not like, "Roxy!"
[low pitched]
It's like, "Roxay!"
"Coming to the dog park
right now, gentlemen,
it's Roxay!"
[laughter]
I know, I feel creepy
just calling this dog.
I say,
"Roxy! Here girl..." [splutters]
"Who wants a big bone?
- Huh? Who wants it?"
- [laughter]
- [Simon] Why are you so happy?
- [Jerry laughs]
Look around you, sir.
And?
[Jerry] It is paradise.
This is paradise to you?
Very much so.
Fine. You know what?
I'll take that
into consideration...
tonight.
And hopefully give myself
a big break.
Hopefully.
Have faith, sir.
You have faith in life?
[Jerry] I'm grateful
every morning.
For what?
[Jerry] For who I am.
For my...
happiness, for my children.
For being alive.
[Simon] Ok. Nice.
My father always planned
for the future.
But the future
was short-lived for him.
What are you gonna do?
[cheers and applause]
I did a whole bunch of TV shows
y'all might know,
I was on Growing Pains,
I was on The Drew Carey Show,
I played Peaches,
his hillbilly neighbor.
I was on The Golden Girls,
I was their
next door neighbor Ms. Mary.
Um, I did Beverly Hills 90210,
I did nine covers
of Playboy magazine
around the world, whoo hoo!
[whistles and cheers]
Thank you very much.
I'd just like everyone to know
who I think I used to be.
[laughter]
'Cause what I really am
is just a small town,
blue jean wearing,
four-wheeler riding,
hillbilly talking,
country music listening,
tailgate sitting,
blowjob giving,
blue collar boy loving
kind of gal.
[laughter and cheering]
Most of the people here,
when a Playboy Playmate's
speaking,
it's "wah wah wah, wah wah wah,
blowjob giving,
wah wah wah wah."
I am sorry
that he is not here to...
attend tonight.
Me too.
Me too.
He was my biggest fan.
And he stuck by me
when I was booed.
But he is here.
You have to forgive me, Jerry,
for being a little cynical.
I really, truly,
don't want to offend
what you believe in, in your...
culture and your religion,
but I don't believe
in that shit.
My father had faith,
so did my mother,
and they're both gone.
Did they have a good life?
Were they happy?
[Simon] Yeah, they were.
Well, I never saw
my father on his deathbed,
because I didn't have the guts.
I didn't have the guts.
But my mother, yes.
I was there when...
she had her last breath of life
before they removed the...
the batteries from her.
Yeah, she was happy.
You were there for your mother.
That is a great blessing.
I agree.
I do, Jerry, I agree. I'm happy
I was able to say bye to her.
And I'm disappointed in myself,
to be honest with you,
that I didn't get a chance
to say bye to my dad,
because I'm a fucking coward.
[Jerry grunts]
And the whole theory about,
you know, how black men
supposedly are all so well-hung?
You think about the damage
that does to black men
who are averagely hung?
[laughter]
Just think about
how they have to walk around
knowing that one day
they'll show their penis
and it's not going to be
12 inches flaccid.
[chuckles]
And just think of how awful
they're going to feel
in comparison
to the guys in porn.
Because that's the only place
penises are actually that big.
Oh, there's a lady here
who doubts that?
[laughter]
The guy sitting next to her
is beaming.
- [man] Yeah.
- Where's your hand?
Why's it under the table?
[laughter]
[Jerry] Let us not be so sad,
you are a funny man.
You're going to perform tonight.
You are a very funny man.
I know it!
What, are you
from Jerry Seinfeld?
Who?
[Simon] It doesn't matter.
I gave you two jokes
and you didn't laugh.
I don't understand it.
Try another one.
Nah...
But thank you, Jerry,
I really appreciate it,
actually.
I did not want to take an Uber,
because, I told my brother
"They all smell like curry."
- [Jerry] Hm?
- But your car smells brand-new.
Because it is brand-new!
Next week, if I pick you up,
it will smell like curry, but...
- [both chuckle]
- That's funny.
At least you're honest...
You're a good guy, Jerry!
Thank you, sir.
Are we close?
Three and a half minutes, sir.
Three and a half minutes.
[laughter]
Because I was a Playmate,
everybody just thinks
I knew everything about sex.
Sex, sex, sex... Nuh-uh!
I was about to get married,
I didn't even know
how to give a... blowjob!
And, um, then...
I couldn't go have that sex talk
with my mama,
'cause she works in a church
and it wasn't comfortable.
So I went to Ms. Mary,
Hugh Hefner's secretary.
Does anybody watch
The Girls Next Door show?
- Did y'all know that show?
- [all] Yes!
Ok, you know who Ms. Mary is?
Mis. Mary was in her 70s
when she gave me the sex talk.
And this is what she said.
She said: "Honey,
you did know that 'blow'
was just an expression, right?
[chuckling]
It should be called 'suck it'."
[laughter]
I was doing pretty good.
[Jeff] I got these nice eyes,
decent-size feet,
and these beautiful,
beautiful hands.
[audience] Whoo!
What they didn't tell me is that
if you're losing your hair,
none of that other shit matters.
[laughter]
I just recently
started shaving my head.
I guess as an act of surrender
on behalf of my hair, really.
It was obviously losing
the war to my forehead
for dominance of my face.
[laughter]
The hair put up a great fight.
But the troops
just kept retreating,
and retreating,
and retreating...
- [laughter]
- Yeah.
And then some of my forehead
flanked them from the back.
[laughter and applause]
[Jerry] Are there any other
famous comedians
like yourself tonight?
[Simon] Um, you know what,
I'm really bad with names,
but yes, it's very...
People much more talented
than me, people very famous.
I'm not famous at all,
nobody knows me.
[Jerry] Oh,
then this sounds like
an excellent opportunity
for you.
Yeah, and I'm actually...
quite surprised,
and trying to understand
why I have this opportunity,
because....
I think that I'm kind of...
Being a little honest
with myself,
I don't believe
I deserve this opportunity
because I've been very lazy.
[sighs] Opportunity does not
come to those who deserve,
just like bad things happen
to those who don't deserve.
You should just accept it,
and not judge it.
So you're saying
go with the flow?
[Jerry] Well, be grateful
for the opportunity.
And kill! [laughs]
"Kill?"
Isn't that what they say?
[Simon] Yeah,
yeah they do, actually.
I'll do my best, Jerry,
I'll do my best.
[Ed] By the way,
did you ever notice
that there's a lot of jokes
you can't tell anymore?
Things have become so sensitive,
there's jokes you can't tell.
Which, ok, I understand it,
we're much more enlightened now.
But what will we do
with all those great Newfie
and Polish jokes?
[laughter]
Who can be targets nowadays?
So, c'mon,
the idea of a submarine
with a screen door,
that's funny!
The idea of a mission to the sun
that lands at night?
That's funny!
[laughter]
But now we can't attach it
to any ethnicity.
What group
can we still make fun of?
I'm thinking there's one group
we can still make fun of
that everybody hates.
Old people.
[laughter]
Am I wrong?
Everybody hates old people.
[laughter]
And let's face it,
old people is your age plus 40.
[laughter]
Started losing
my hair when I was 19.
- [audience] Ooh!
- Yeah, didn't seem fair at all.
I went from one day I had to use
a fake ID to get into a bar,
next day I'm getting
a senior's discount at Denny's.
[laughter and applause]
We're almost there, Mr. Simon.
Are you rehearsing?
I never rehearse.
Never?
Never.
[Jerry] Then you must
be perfect. [chuckles]
[Simon] I'm far
from being perfect.
Maybe it's because
I don't rehearse.
[Jerry] I have to rehearse
everything I do
because I want to be perfect.
[chuckling]
[Simon] Maybe that's
what I should do.
Mr. Simon,
remember what you said:
there are two kinds of people,
good souls and assholes.
You are a good soul.
You think?
- I know.
- You really think?
I have faith.
[turning signal]
Thank you, Jerry.
That means a lot to me,
I appreciate it.
Maybe that's what I need.
I need a little faith.
Actually, I've been doing
a lot of shows on cruise ships,
but that market's
kind of dried up now.
So...
[laughter]
My favorite
cruise ship thing recently...
That Italian one
that went up on its side.
[audience] Aw!
- That captain, "Cap'n Crunch"
- [laughter]
as I like to call him,
you know what he did?
Basically he was trying to wave
to a friend of his onshore,
and basically he did, like,
the nautical equivalent
of buzzing the tower
in a small plane, you know?
And he was off the ship,
this guy, he was off the ship,
before the passengers,
before the crew.
Right? And the excuses!
"Oh, it was dark!
It was dark,
I fell in the lifeboat.
It started paddling by itself,
I didn't know how to control it.
I know how to work
the big ships,
these little ones
are a mystery to me."
[laughter]
"Oh, I was just testing out,
I was testing out the lifeboat
to make sure it was safe
for the other passengers."
[laughter]
And I say, good thing
this happened in Italy.
Right? Off the coast of Italy.
Because anywhere else
in the world,
[mimics Italian accent]
"Me no speaking English!
Boat go boom boom, she sink!
I don't know what happened!
I'm just a guy standing here,
boat sink over there!
Don't look at me,
I'm standing here all day
minding my own business,
boat sink over there.
Somebody help those people! Ahh!
Who put this uniform on me?
This is not my uniform!
I fell asleep,
a man put a hat on my head..."
We're almost there, sir.
I'm very excited for you.
I think I am too, now.
[Jerry chuckles]
[Simon] Thank you, Jerry.
Appreciate it.
On the house, sir.
Life is a series of moments.
And hopefully
we will see each other again.
We may not, but if we do,
then that will be
a sign of friendship.
And... another moment.
[Simon] You're very
philosophical, there, Jerry.
But... you know what?
If I see you again, it'd be...
my honor and my pleasure
to call you my friend.
You see? I am grateful.
You know Jerry, ironically,
it is me who is grateful.
And usually I'm always
the one that's ungrateful.
And I just realized something...
That I was very ungrateful
for a lot of great things
in my life
to a lot of great people.
Thank you for that, Jerry.
No charge, sir.
No charge.
[smooth jazz]
Then one morning
You looked into the mirror
And you noticed
All the years of fear...
[Jerry] We are friends, now.
You need some sugar.
Give me a good luck hug!
[hearty laughter]
That's something
I'll never know
The last thing I remember
I said hello
Where did my time go?
[applause]
- Please slow it down
- [cheering]
Help me keep my feet
On the ground...
- [Julie indistinct]
- [cheers]
[grunts] The fuck,
were you waiting there?
What's the matter with you?
I thought you were dead!
- What do you mean, "dead"?
- That you weren't coming.
- I told you I was.
- [cheers]
I know. Hang on, listen,
you're going last.
I don't wanna go last,
that's a lot of pressure.
I know, but it's the best spot.
You'll be phenomenal.
You're going last.
- That's Joseph Rogers.
- Yeah, don't...
- Let me ask him a question.
- Look, Simon, Simon...
- Excuse me, Joseph?
- [cheers and applause]
Mr. Rogers.
Mr. Rogers, can I just ask you
a question? Please?
[sighs] What?
You've been writing a column
for as long
as I've been doing this,
how come you've never written
anything about me?
'Cause I only write
about comedians.
[cheering]
I got a few beauty tips
for the girls.
Listen, instead of getting
Botox in your forehead
like all the pinup gals do,
um, I recommend bangs.
[laughter]
It's a whole lot cheaper
and a lot less painful.
[Ed indistinct in background]
- You know me?
- [Mike] I know who you are.
Means a lot to me.
Thanks, appreciate it.
Don't worry about it now.
You have a great show tonight.
Thank you, Mr. Marino.
- Kill 'em.
- Thanks.
[applause]
I'm not the sock,
I'm nobody's puppet,
don't you be either.
[laughter and applause]
Thank you!
Aww! My time is up!
Give it up
for Julie McCollough, everybody!
Thank y'all very much!
Thank you for having me!
Thank you very much
ladies and gentlemen.
Have yourselves a great evening.
[Freddy] Give it up for him!
What a great crowd!
I love you! [smack]
Enjoy yourselves. Thank you.
Thank you, thank you so much.
Thank you very much,
have a good night.
[cheering]
Ladies and gentlemen,
this man, once he retired
from quarterbacking
the Miami Dolphins
decided to become a comedian,
please welcome the very,
very funny Mike Marino!
[cheers and applause]
Come on folks, make some noise!
Come on, let's go!
Thanks, appreciate it.
Hey folks, one more time
for all these
great entertainers.
Come on, ain't they fantastic?
[cheering]
Thank you so much
for letting me come over.
It's fantastic,
I'm very happy to be here.
My name is Mike Marino,
I'm Italian,
I'm from a small place in Italy
called New Jersey.
[laughter]
Yeah, make sure you laugh
at what I say,
I ain't even a comedian,
this is community service.
I like being Italian.
Growing up, a lot
of people never believed
that I came
from an Italian family
'cause I'm light skinned
and have blue eyes.
Tell you people in this room
right now, full-blood Italian,
both my parents born in Italy.
And I can prove that.
[laughter]
I'm 55 years old,
and I still live at home
with my ma.
[laughter and applause]
Don't worry about it,
I see it in your face.
You're gonna have a good set,
don't worry about it.
- Alright?
- Thanks.
[Mike indistinct]
Get 'em! Break a leg!
[laughter]
We think we need to involve
Italian people
in more things in this world,
we wouldn't have
half the problems
we've got, right?
- [audience] Yeah!
- Think about it.
I don't like what the president
is doing in the U.S.
We need a nice,
Italian president
from New Jersey to take over.
- [audience] Yeah!
- I'd make a great president.
I was running
for a year and a half,
I shoulda been in there,
I woulda been perfect.
"Make America Italian Again,"
that's the slogan.
That's right.
I had great ideas.
I wouldn't have even needed
four years.
Three months, straighten out
the whole country.
Done, perfect.
They'd ask me questions,
like how did I end wars
in foreign countries.
"Hey Mr. President,
you took care
of that problem in North Korea,
can you tell us what you did?"
I'd be on national television
dressed up
in a three-piece suit,
but I have my Cabinet behind me,
you know my Cabinet?
Anthony, Nicky,
Joey, Sally, Tony...
Like, "Mr. President,
what happened?"
I'd be like, "Oh, you mean
out there in North Korea,
with the guy and the thing?
[laughter]
Well, here's what happened.
We went out there to talk
to him, and then, uh...
I don't know what happened."
[laughter and applause]
Yeah.
"But he's gone now.
And there's nothing
you can do about it."
[laughter]
I always wanted
to be on television
during the debates.
'Cause if you remember
during the debates,
they made fun of each other
on national television,
and you don't do that shit.
That shows weakness
in foreign countries.
Imagine them making fun
of a guy like me.
Then the Master of Ceremonies
looks at me and says,
"Mr. Marino, Clinton and Trump
just made fun of you
on national television.
Would you like a rebuttal?"
I'd say, "Yes I would!
Go to a commercial break."
[laughter]
Then we come back from break,
you can't find
either of them anywhere.
[audience] Ooh!
[Mike] Then they look at me
and go, "What happened?"
I'm like, "Ah...
I don't know what happened."
[laughter]
"But they're gone now,
and there's nothing
you can do about it."
[cheers and applause]
C'mon, people.
- [Mike continues indistinct]
- It's ok.
It's ok.
We know you want
to be a comedian.
And you're talented.
You're funny.
You are a funny man,
you're going to perform tonight.
You are a very funny man.
I know it!
[laughter]
Folks, I actually just came back
from doing a USO comedy tour.
I went to Afghanistan,
Baghdad, Kuwait.
I went to go entertain
the troops.
Right?
Now, if you guys remember,
when we first went
to war out there,
France didn't want
to help America.
Y'all remember that?
France didn't want
to help America.
So I told the troops
if I ran the country
and France didn't want
to help America,
I'd cut the head off
the Statue of Liberty
and send it back to France
as a warning.
[laughter]
People, don't make me
paint a picture for you.
Imagine the French ambassador
seeing the head
of the Statue of Liberty
come floating back in on a boat.
Ok, but there's no body parts,
just a head all fucked up
with an icepick in the eye.
[laughter]
That's sending a message.
[audience] Oh!
C'mon you wanna talk
about discrimination?
Whenever the Italians are
on television or movies,
what do they make us play?
- [audience] Mob.
- Mafia, right?
That's discrimination
against the Italians.
And all I ever wanted to play
was a mob boss in a mob movie
and I've been in two of 'em,
and in both of them
I was the Irish cop
that got whacked
in the first 60 seconds.
[laughter]
Get the Italians
are on some better shows.
You know,
more educational type shows
for the children.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
You guys remember the movie
The Sixth Sense?
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
That would be a good place
for an Italian actor.
Because then that little boy
would've been considered a rat.
[laughter]
Think about it, he woulda went,
"I see dead people!"
Guy woulda said,
"Shut the fuck up.
You don't see nobody.
[laughter]
We buried them good.
Next dead person you gonna see
gonna be you.
Now go look for yourself."
- [laughter]
- [audience] Ohh!
[Mike] And naturally you people
know most of the craziest trials
come out of California.
Don't they, folks?
You see the trials
that come out of California:
O.J. Simpson, Laci Peterson,
Robert Blake...
Even the whole
Michael Jackson trial
to me was like
a California event.
'Cause I always tell
the people there
if they ever killed anybody
from New York or New Jersey,
that shit never
would've made it to a trial.
[audience] Ooh!
C'mon people, don't make me
paint a picture for you here.
Imagine if O.J. Simpson killed
someone from an Italian family.
That judge woulda asked
the family one time,
"Does the family
wish to press charges?"
Family woulda went, "Ha ha ha...
No.
Let him go."
Yeah, "We forgive him.
Better yet, judge,
we'll drive him home from here.
[laughter]
Vinny! Get the bat,
O.J. is coming over."
That's my time, you guys
have been a great crowd.
- I'm Mike Marino.
- [cheering]
Thank you very much, folks.
- Thank you, buddy.
- Appreciate it.
Mike Marino, everybody!
Mike Marino!
Mike Marino,
ladies and gentlemen.
That man is going places.
Is he funny or what?
[all] Yeah!
Alright, now...
Now I have to tell you
that this last guest
warms my heart,
that I have the opportunity
to be on this stage
in my own place
and do this introduction.
Ladies and gentlemen,
in his Basement debut,
my personal friend Simon McCabe.
Give it up for Simon!
[cheering]
Simon!
Thank you very much,
it's very kind of you.
So, ladies and gentlemen,
if you were to win the lottery,
or you make a lot of money,
what's the first thing
you're gonna do?
You're gonna buy a car.
A nice car
if you're a guy, right?
So this penguin
wins a million dollars...
[laughter]
...and he buys
a brand new 2018 Camaro.
It's gorgeous, it's beautiful.
He loves this car.
So he's driving on a highway,
and he hears a knock
on the engine.
It's about 11:55 a.m.
So he goes to a GM dealership,
which was right off the highway.
And he goes, "Listen...
[laughter]
...there's a knock
on the fucking engine.
I love this car. I love it,
it's my first serious car."
So the service advisor says,
"Listen, it's 11:55,
it's a union shop,
everybody goes to lunch
at twelve o'clock.
There's a Dairy Queen across
the street, go over there.
Get yourself an ice cream.
After lunch we'll look at it."
Penguin goes, "Ok."
[laughter]
Goes across,
one o'clock he shuffles back,
he's got this triple-decker
vanilla ice cream.
Goes to the guy,
"Did you get a chance
to look at my car?"
Goes, "Yeah, it looks like
you blew a seal."
He goes "Fuck you! All I'm doing
is licking the ice cream."
Thank you. You're very kind.
So a friend of mine...
Any dog people?
You guys like dogs?
- Yeah!
- Yes.
You can tell a lot
about a human being
if they're a dog guy.
But some people
get carried away,
everybody thinks
their dog's the smartest.
They post them on Facebook...
But this guy
took his dog everywhere.
So he's in a bar
and his friend goes,
"You know, it's a little weird
that you go everywhere
with your dog."
He goes,
"My dog is a fucking genius.
My dog can do anything."
The guy goes "Really?" Guy goes,
"Watch this. Rover, come here.
Go get me a gin and tonic."
[pants] "Alright."
Dog goes to the bar...
[chuckling]
He goes,
"What are you drinking?"
"Very dry martini,
dirty, with one olive."
"Rover, dry martini,
dirty with one olive."
[pants] "Alright."
[laughter]
So guy says, "Big fuck. Your dog
knows how to make drinks."
He goes, "My dog's a genius,
he can do anything."
He goes,
"Let's put him to the test.
I'll give him 20 dollars,
tell him to get me
a small Marlborough.
Regular. And bring me back
the exact change."
"Rover, 20 bucks,
small Marlborough, regular.
Bring back the change."
[pants] "Alright". Dog leaves.
Fifteen minutes,
twenty minutes goes by,
guy goes, "You know what?
Your dog's fucked,
he's stupid, he's just a dog,
and I lost 20 bucks."
He goes,
"No way. Something's wrong.
My dog wouldn't do this."
So they go looking for him
all over the place.
Finally get to a park...
"Rover, Rover!"
They looked and there's Rover
banging the hell
out of this French poodle.
[laughter]
So guy taps him
on the back goes,
"Rover, you never did
this before."
[pants] "I never had the money."
Thank you.
[cheering]
Simon McCabe!
[jazz music]
I know we've been down
This long road
And here's something
That I've been told
Everyone makes
So many mistakes
So tell me, honey
What it's gonna take
Because sometimes
Things change, I know
And sometimes
Things never seem the same
Can you just take me
Seriously?
Can you just grab my hand
And give me
One more opportunity
Because everyone
Has a moment of grace
Save face
Sometimes the wind blows
The branch all the way back
And it just can't hold on
And it snaps
But I'm saying our love
Has a destiny
And it's something
That you and me
Can see
Sometimes things change
I know...
I just sold my first car
and I totally grossed
the piss out of this guy.
And cut. Keep rolling.
Do it again.
-You pissed the gross...
- I pissed the gross
right out of him.
- You got it?
- Can you do another one?
- No.
- [beep]
I don't believe in that shit.
You've got to make a right here.
Yeah, but this goes north.
I want to go south.
Yeah, so we can't go south
this way,
- I fucked up.
- [beep]
Why are we fucking talking?
What's going on here?
What's going on here?
Didn't you say "action"?
- Yeah.
- [beep]
Keep that fucking thing up
there, brother.
I love you. I don't wanna...
it's not a Canadian movie
where we'll get knocked out
- with a fucking boom.
- [beep]
I haven't been to bed yet, guys.
How can I fucking work
without sleep, dude?
- Who can remember all this shit?
- [beep]
Action! Action.
Start again.
Do it again, do it again.
Hang on.
- I want it to be fluid, ok?
- Ok.
- Action.
- [beep]
See this here?
You know I love you, right?
But every time you do this,
it gets lower and lower.
- You trying to kill me?
- [beep]
Your favorite wine, Simon?
Please.
Fuck it. Do it again.
I'm not going to see it,
but she's going to see it.
[beep]
I need menus, and I need
two more of these.
- [beep]
- Get out of my shot, people.
- [beep]
- Hey Ed, I can hear you.
- Ed, I can hear you.
- [beep]
What's happening, bro?
- [Simon] Sun tanning my balls.
- [laughs]
- [beep]
- [laughing]
What a world they live in.
[music crescendo]
I believe
Can you just take me
Seriously?
[jazz music]
I know we've been down
This long road
[laughs]
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,
my name is Simon.
My name's Simon.
My name's Simon.
Hey Tex, where you from,
Cincinnati?
Hey Tex, where you from?
Cincinnati?
How did the punk rocker
cross the street?
He stapled a chicken
to his head.
Hey, doc.
I got this problem,
nobody pays attention to me.
Next, please.
Hey, doc. I got this problem,
I can't make friends,
you big fat fucking slob.
Hey!
Grasshopper walks into a bar.
Bartender looks
at the grasshopper and says,
"Hey, you know we got a drink
named after you?"
Grasshopper says,
"You got a drink
named Herman? Ho!"
Hey Tex, where you from,
Cincinnati?
So I walk into this bar,
and go to the bartender and say,
"Hey, you wanna hear
a good Polish joke?"
He goes... "I'm Polish.
You see that guy
with the big neck?
He's fucking Polish.
Still wanna tell that joke?"
I said, "No." He goes,
"Why, you're scared?"
"No." "Then why don't you want
to tell the joke?"
"I don't want
to explain it twice."
- [clink]
- [Sal] Cheers.
[Freddy] Salud.
Whoa. [chuckles]
I get a message.
"Sally wants to talk to you.
Do you have time?"
Do I have time? Come on,
I always have time for you.
I need you to do me
a little favor,
it's about Simon.
It's a big night tonight.
I'd love for you to give
Simon a chance.
Just this once. It's a big deal.
[sighs] Sal.
- Simon, the joke thief?
- I know, I know.
Well, you know...
There's people here who don't
exactly love him, you know?
I care about the guy,
he's a good guy.
But you're asking a lot.
He tells a good joke.
When he tells them,
they're funny.
He's funny.
He's a little funny worm,
isn't he?
Yeah, and he steals
from the best.
You want me to do
a favor for him?
Or you want me to do
a favor for you?
It's the same thing.
Look, I want...
- Uh, uh, uh!
- It's the same thing.
I mean, I want him to be able
to prove to himself
that he can do it.
This is national.
This is going national!
For me, is this a favor for you?
Yeah. It's a favor for me.
Then it's done.
Why do you even ask?
You know, for you,
I would do anything.
- Put him on.
- I love you, man.
[ringing]
[ringing]
Yeah?
[Seb] Hey, Simon. Hi, it's Seb.
Uh... You want something to eat?
[Simon] What do you mean?
What are you, Jenny Craig,
you wanna feed me?
[laughs] No, no!
I got a really big
room service order
with a really fine,
exquisite bottle of wine
going up, you want it?
Yeah, I appreciate it.
Yeah, I'll look after you.
You don't have
to pay for anything.
Just look in the peephole
and it'll be covered.
Okay. Thanks.
[Seb] No problem.
Bon appetit, enjoy yourself.
Yep.
Fucking guy!
Jenny Craig of all people.
[phone ringing]
- Yes?
- Come on down, I need you here.
I'm right here.
Put the tray down,
get down here.
I need you right now, okay?
Okay.
Kiss my ass.
Another one.
I'd swim
Halfway across the sea
Please notice me
And maybe
There's something I can be
The night is ticking by
So fast
I don't think my courage
Is gonna last
You don't know
If I'm dead or alive...
[William] Amy, honey.
Is my brother in yet?
[Amy] It's a little early
for your brother.
You know, I love him,
but you're way too soft
on your brother.
If I'm gonna be soft on someone,
it's gonna be my brother.
He's the only brother I got.
And I love him.
[Amy sighs]
[funky jazz]
Keep my head up
Please notice me...
[phone ringing]
S? I mean, yes?
You know, on second thought,
don't bother.
It's taken care of.
You don't need me anymore?
Okay.
Please notice me...
Nice.
I'd swim
Halfway across the sea
Where's everything?
- [phone ringing]
- [sighs]
Hello?
- Simon, is that you?
- [applause]
Yeah.
I'm here
at The Basement Comedy Club.
- Yeah?
- And then they...
They're going national tonight.
They want you to do a set.
Tonight?
I just made myself
something nice to eat.
- What are they paying?
- Two hundred.
- [cheers and applause]
- Two hundred bucks?
Did I not say two hundred?
- And how long is this set?
- Five minutes...
What am I gonna wear?
You know what you're gonna wear.
- [laughter]
- Wear what you always wear.
I feel so tangled in my soul
- [Brian] Hey.
- Dad, you wanted me?
[Brian] Come on, sit down.
Listen, I want to talk to you.
What did I do now?
You did nothing.
You know
you're a great salesman.
Customers love you.
I get a lot of reports,
a lot of feedback.
I get lots of feedback.
Your brother,
he's a good administrator.
But you,
you could sell anything.
Proverbial refrigerator
to an Eskimo.
Dad!
Dad!
I just sold my first car
and I totally grossed
the piss out of this idiot.
Yes, he did.
[laughs]
I just got to say, you know,
everything's got a shelf life.
Including me.
But I've still got
a lot of kick left.
But, you know,
I'm moving towards retirement.
I want to spend more time
with your mother.
And this business,
it belongs to both of you.
And I want you boys
to take care of the business.
I want you to keep selling cars,
I want your brother
to be the administrator
because he's good at that.
- So he'll be my boss?
- You're good at selling cars.
- He's not going to be your boss.
- [William] Simon.
I will never be your boss.
But I'll always be your brother.
Simon,
we know what you want.
We know you want
to be a comedian.
And you're talented.
You're funny.
And I don't want to stand
in your way of that.
But you always have to have
a fallback plan.
A contingency plan,
in case things don't work out.
And this is it.
You can always come back
and sell a car.
This business
will always be yours.
It'll be yours...
and yours.
But he will be running it.
He'll run it,
and you'll sell cars.
Dad, you know I love you.
It's your business,
you do what you want.
You built this
and I don't want to talk
anymore, okay?
- I gotta go.
- Simon!
Bro!
Dad, let me go talk to him.
No. No, no.
No, this is not a brother
to brother thing,
this is a...
father to son thing.
I'm going to talk to him.
[smooth jazz]
[Brian] Got a minute?
- You taking my office now?
- [Brian laughs]
Simon! Nobody is going
to take your office.
Can I sit down?
- It's your place.
- [laughs]
You can sit
anywhere you want, dad.
I'm going to clear something up
right away.
This is our place.
Simon... [sighs]
I know what we talked about
in there hurt your feelings.
But listen, son.
You guys don't have any faith
or trust in me.
I trust you implicitly.
But somebody
has to be the driver,
and you've always loved
being the passenger.
And that's what you are.
He's going to drive
the business.
You're the passenger.
You're going to sell cars,
and I believe you're going
to be successful in your dream.
And that's what I want.
But right now...
I want to give you something.
It's so important.
Is that my consolation prize?
This...
This is a vest
that my father gave me.
And his father gave him.
It's been handed down
and I think it's a lucky vest.
I can't wear it anymore,
you know? But...
I want you to have it.
It's going to be a lucky vest
for you, Simon.
It's special.
This is the legacy.
And when
I'm not around anymore...
You're going to think of me
when you wear this,
and it's going to bring you
a lot of luck.
It's yours, Simon. I love you.
Love you, son.
They're offering you
two hundred fucking dollars.
Okay.
I'll be there.
Now! Like now,
like five minutes ago.
Okay.
- Okay? Don't be late.
- [cheers]
Hey, no, no. Hey, listen.
Don't be late.
[uptempo jazz]
I know that you're
Out of my league
I just want you to notice me
I've got no cash
- Or fancy car
- [phone ringing]
- What the fuck?
- [phone ringing]
Hello?
- Simon.
- Hey, William.
Hey, are you coming in
today, bro?
I'm sorry.
No, I'm not coming in.
Got a big break tonight.
I'm going to The Comedy Basement
to do a set,
and it's going to be televised.
Wow, congratulations!
That's good news.
Thank you, I appreciate it.
Can I get a car?
Simon, you know I can't do that.
[clicks tongue]
What the fuck, man?
We own a dealership
and you won't give me a car?
Every time we give you
a company car, you sell it.
I'll get you a ride. Uber.
Come on, man.
I don't want to go in an Uber.
They all fucking smell
like curry.
Simon, not every Uber driver
is from India.
There are all kinds of guys:
Irish, Italian, Chinese guys!
[huffing]
Come on, please.
Tell me when you need the car,
and I'll get it over there.
Twenty minutes.
Done. Hey, I'm proud of you.
You going to come?
Absolutely.
Really?
I'll be there.
- Okay.
- I love you.
- I'll see you tonight, bro.
- Thanks.
[funky jazz music]
Nothing better in my head
Please notice me
I'd swim
Halfway across the sea
- Please...
- [door slams]
[Jerry] Mr. Simon! Welcome!
My brother's a fucking idiot.
I am Jagdish
but you can call me Jerry.
How you doing, Jerry?
[Jerry] Easy.
[Jerry grunts]
[Jerry] All buckled in, sir?
I have to put my seatbelt on?
[Jerry] That's the law, sir.
[smooth jazz]
I know we've been down
This long road
And here's something
That I've been told
Everyone makes
So many mistakes
So tell me, honey
What it's gonna take
Because sometimes
Things change, I know
And sometimes
Things never seem the same
[crescendo]
Can you just take me
Seriously?
Can you just grab my hand
And give me
One more opportunity
Because everyone
Has a moment of grace
Save face
[Jerry]
How is your day going, sir?
Good.
By the way, do you like my car?
It's brand new.
It's nice.
I'm very proud of it.
[Simon] Nice.
It's fast.
Like a tiger!
[Simon] Can you do me a favor,
though? Can you slow it down?
Because what I ate for breakfast
is going to come out
of my nose and my ass.
Very good, sir.
[soft jazz music]
What is it that you do, sir?
What is your profession?
[turning signal]
[sighs heavily]
I'm a... I'm a comedian.
[Jerry] You are telling
and writing jokes, then?
I tell jokes,
I write some jokes.
But I'm a comedian.
So, some people sing,
but they don't necessarily...
write all their songs.
[Jerry] I have never met
a joke teller before.
It is an honor.
Thank you, I appreciate it.
Is it... a good job?
It's... I guess you have
to be committed... to it.
Just, I guess,
like you're committed
to the job you do.
I love my job.
I love my job! [laughs]
I hope you love your job, sir.
- [jazz music]
- [cheers and applause]
[chuckling]
Huh. That's shit.
[grumbles and chuckles]
[unintelligible mumbling]
Hey, what time is it?
[stage hand]
Start going on in ten minutes.
Fuck.
Fucking Simon.
Please, sir. Tell me a joke.
I like to laugh.
Okay.
You know why blonde women
have bruised belly buttons?
No.
[Simon] Because blonde guys
are dumb, too.
I... I do not understand.
Because blonde guys are dumb.
They think the belly button
is the vagina,
so they're tapping that.
[phone rings]
Excuse me.
Hello?
- Simon. Where are you?
- [cheers]
I'm in an Uber, I'm on my way.
[Jerry] Twenty-two minutes, sir.
Thank you for that.
Apparently it's 22 minutes.
Simon, please
don't fuck this up, okay?
I'm on my way.
- Simon? Si... Fuck.
- [laughter]
[cheers and applause]
[sighs]
Is that your... best joke, sir?
It's very good. Uh, very good.
But you didn't laugh.
Well, I didn't understand it,
but I am new
to this country, and...
Can you do me a favor
and slow down?
Because I'm going to be
fucking sitting
on your spare tire soon, Jerry.
I'm sorry, sir.
This is a very fast car.
I'm just learning how to...
So maybe
you should have bought a...
a Hyundai.
Hyundai is a very
good car as well, but...
this one is fast like a tiger.
[uptempo jazz]
Just relax. Hey, relax.
Just be honest with your
brother, he's your brother.
Will you stop it,
you're fucking lame.
Alright.
Alright. Ooh!
- Hi.
- Hi. How are you?
- Pretty good.
- Is my brother busy?
Does it matter?
Even if he was,
he's always got time for you.
- Go ahead.
- Appreciate it.
- Can I go in?
- Yeah, of course.
Look who it is! [chuckles]
- How are you doing, bro?
- Hey, bro.
What is that? Come here, you!
I love you.
- Good to see you, come in!
- You too.
Sally, what's up?
Hey, champ. [grunts]
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey.
- Come on.
[William] So.
What can I do for you boys?
[Simon] Well, you know...
I'm a little slug.
I'm a little tight, and...
for some scratch,
and I was hoping
you could give me an advance.
Simon, you know the deal.
We get paid
the same every month.
If I blow through my money,
I don't cut myself
another check.
So. But you,
you can step out on the floor
any time you want,
and make it happen. Listen.
Get out there and sell a car,
I'll give you
the commission right now.
Well, thanks for seeing us
but I don't want to sell a car.
Do it! Make it happen.
I'm not even dressed,
I don't even have a jacket.
I got you.
There we go.
Wow! That is a 30 pound jacket.
- Don't make me go sell a car.
- Come on, come on.
This is like breathing for you.
You keep my jacket
behind your door?
Yeah.
Go get 'em, tiger!
Watch this.
Watch this?
What are you talking about?
He's my best friend.
He's going to come back here
in two seconds with a contract.
Watch it.
Good afternoon, how are you?
- Good, thanks. How are you?
- My name is Simon.
- Hi, Bernard.
- Good to meet you, Bernard.
Call me Bernie.
I'm just looking around.
Bernie?
I'll just tell you
about the car,
because that's my job.
- Sure.
- You like the car?
I like it, yeah.
You know, Bernie,
I have to tell you something.
When they say they don't make
them like they used to...
Thank God,
because they used to be
- a pile of shit.
- [Bernie chuckles]
This is a car.
The highest level of technology,
the software synchs up
with your phone,
whether it's Apple or Android.
All wheel drive, 2000 CCs,
it's an equal boost engine,
it's great on gas.
This is a quick car.
- Yeah. It's nice.
- And look at the back seat.
If you want to bang a chick
in the back seat,
you ain't going to break
a vertebrae.
[laughing] I'm married,
but thanks for the info.
Take the wife in the back seat.
- Do you love the car?
- I do, yeah.
Can I make a suggestion, Bernie?
- Sure.
- Let's go in my office and talk.
- What do you think?
- Okay, Simon.
Thanks.
- Bernie, come in please.
- Yeah.
- Sit down, buddy.
- Thanks.
[Bernie exhales heavily]
Bernie.
I was born into this business.
It's my dad
that started this business,
he started as a salesman.
I'm talking to you
like a brother.
The car... Do you love that car?
I love that car.
It's a lovely car.
...fits your perfectly.
- A car's got to fit you, buddy.
- Yep.
It's got a 2000 CC
equal boost engine,
it's good on gas.
It's not a dog.
Because most of these cars
that are fuel-efficient
you have to get out
and fucking push.
But... here's the problem.
If you don't take this car,
and they sell it, it's six,
eight, maybe ten weeks.
Almost a whole model year.
And I won't go back and forth.
I'm going to give you
the best deal possible,
first time.
Make the deal,
and then you can pick it up.
I can have it PDI'd
and out of the showroom
by tomorrow.
No, not at all.
No, I'm going to have to check
with my wife, you know?
I respect that.
Second largest investment
of your life is your car.
- Yeah, right.
- I'm on your side, Bernie.
And you'll probably try
to bang her in the back seat,
like you said.
There's lots of room.
Nothing like romance.
This is what I'm going to do.
I want to hold the car for you.
So, there's a little box here
where it says remarks,
I'm going to put "Must...
ask...
- [pen scratching]
- wife's...
permission...
to buy...
the car."
If she gives you the go-ahead,
then we take this off.
Give me the fucking paperwork.
Nobody tells me
whether I can buy a car or not.
You're a good boy, Bernie.
[jazz music]
[cheering]
Thank you!
Thank you, thank you!
Thank you.
Thank you!
Welcome to The Comedy Basement.
And remember, when you're here,
in The Comedy Basement,
there is only one place
left to go,
and that is up!
[cheering]
My name is Freddy C.
I am your host and the owner
of this beautiful establishment.
- [cheering]
- My first guest
is an up-and-comer,
he's known all around the area,
we're very honored to have,
ladies and gentlemen,
he's no longer driving
for NASCAR,
Mr. Jeff Elliott!
[cheers and applause]
[Jeff]
Hey, guys. How's it going?
Alright. I'm really starting
to feel my age.
I hurt myself sleeping.
[laughter]
Did you know that was a thing
you could do?
I was taking a nap.
I woke up,
my shoulder was really sore.
Doesn't go away for two weeks.
So I go to the doctor,
they take some X-rays.
Ah... turns out I tore
my rotator cuff...
[audience] Aw.
...while I was taking a nap!
[laughter]
If you guys are familiar
with this injury,
it's usually reserved
for professional athletes.
Most specifically,
baseball pitchers
tear their rotator cuffs a lot.
I knew I was good at sleeping.
[laughter]
Apparently I'm ready
for the big leagues!
I'll say this too,
these baseball pitchers
tear their rotator cuffs,
they're done.
For a year,
they don't play baseball.
I was back in bed
sleeping that night.
[laughter and applause]
My next guest
is the most famous sock
in the entire world!
Unlike his brother
who never quite made it.
He's the sock that's still
left out on the highway.
[audience] Ah...
Ladies and gentlemen,
Ed the Sock!
[cheering]
[Ed] Alright, shut up already!
I don't believe your sincerity.
Thank you very much
for that introduction.
I love the goatee, by the way.
Very Wesley Snipes.
[laughter]
And thank you
for the reference to my brother
who's out on the highway.
I haven't heard that one before.
Though, of course, it's better
than the "brother that you
jerked off into as a teenager."
Guys! I'm a sock!
That's my ethnicity.
I'm not defined by it.
Let's get past
those jokes, okay?
[laughter and applause]
Our next act...
We love seeing this man
when he comes
and garners our stage,
That Canadian guy...
Glen Foster!
[cheers and applause]
[Glen]
Alright, come on, come on...
Here we go. Oh, thank you
very much. That's very nice.
I hope I look alright. I, uh...
I've reached the age
where no matter what I wear,
I just come off
looking like a retired cop.
- [laughter]
- So...
Anyway, I do not need
any more stress in my life.
I live
with my pre-teen daughter,
- [audience] Oh!
- my pre-menopausal wife,
[laughter]
and... a previously abused
female Australian Shepherd.
- [laughter]
- Oh, yeah!
There are days
I walk through the door,
it is bitch, bitch, bitch.
[laughter]
But the dog is cute, so...
[laughter]
[Simon] I'll give you
another joke.
So this guy is in his room.
He's in a hospital.
And...
the doctor comes in the room,
and he says,
"Mr. Smith,
I got some good news,
- and some bad news."
- [Jerry grunts]
So he says,
"Give me the bad news first
and then you can pacify me
with the good news."
Goes, "Well, the bad news is
you got gangrene
on both your feet,
we're going to have
to cut them off."
"So what the fuck's
the good news?"
"The guy in the other room
wants to buy all your shoes."
Because they wear the same...
they wear the same size.
And, and then?
Oh, that is it?
I got to check my messages
because you're depressing me.
Okay? Anyways.
They're very good jokes, sir.
Very good. But, I...
- [Simon] Apparently not.
- I've never heard them before.
I would love to study your jokes
so I understand them.
If you have to study a joke,
it's not funny.
[applause]
Now our next act
is known all around the world
as your neighborhood kid.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please give it up
for Jerry Caringi!
[cheers and applause]
[Jerry C.] Yeah! What's going on
here? What's going on?
Hey! Pasta fazool, how are you?
Hey, how are you?
Good to see you.
Hey! Faccia di polenta!
How are you?
How are you, man?
How are you doing, huh?
What a crowd, what a crowd!
- You feeling good?
- [audience] Yeah!
Ay!
Faccia di polenta, how are you?
Anyways, um... The Godfather.
It's getting serious.
He's in his office.
Something is going on.
So he calls in Rocco.
"Rocco, get in here!
I gotta ask you a question."
"Yes, Godfather. Anything."
"What's five plus five?"
Rocco answers, "Seven."
[audience chuckles]
Godfather slaps him in the face.
"You're a good boy.
You're very smart.
Thank you. Go get Anthony.
Send him in here.
Stay outside."
Anthony comes waltzing in,
kind of worried.
Godfather asks Anthony,
"Anthony...
I'm going to ask you a question.
Give me a straight answer.
Are you ready?"
Anthony goes, "Yeah."
"What's five plus six?"
"Ah, that's easy. It's eleven."
Pulls out his gun, bang!
[laughter]
Falls to the floor! Ba da dum!
Rocco comes running in,
"Godfather! What's going on?
What did you do?"
"He knows too much."
[audience claps] Oh!
This woman has been known
all around the world
for her role on Growing Pains.
She also garnered the cover,
and throughout America
is known as a stunning Playmate
in Playboy magazine.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please give it up for...
Julie McCollough!
[cheering]
[Julie] How y'all doing?
[cheers and applause]
Thank you so very, very much
for having me here.
I've lived all over
the United States, y'all.
I've lived in North Carolina,
West by God Virginia,
Florida, Louisiana,
Missouri, Nevada,
Texas... Woo hoo for Texas!
California, and I was born
in Hawaii. Woo hoo!
Y'all could tell
I was Hawaiian, right?
Blonde hair, Southern accent...
Dead giveaway, she's Hawaiian!
[laughter]
(Woman speaking
foreign language)
- brothers.
- [audience] Whoo!
(Woman speaking
foreign language)
[audience] Ooh!
That means absolutely nothing.
[Julie and audience laugh]
- Now, our next guest...
- [applause]
He can tell jokes, he's funny,
he can sing, but please...
do not get him to dance
up here right now.
[audience chuckles]
Ladies and gentlemen,
Constantine Meglis!
[cheers and applause]
[Constantine] Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
How are you?
I happen to be six foot nine.
[audience] Ooh!
That's not... tall,
that's like monster tall.
[laughter]
Okay?
Even when I was a little kid.
My kindergarten picture...
I'm five years old,
just like the rest of the kids.
I look like I'm the teacher.
[laughter]
[Jerry] Sir, you are too hard
on your jokes.
I'm sure people who understand
them will find them funny.
I just don't understand them.
Okay.
Are you going to give
a show tonight?
Well, I'm...
I'm part of a show,
because it's a...
it's a bunch of comedians,
it's like a cavalcade,
and it's being televised
on cable.
Oh, my God!
That sounds very impressive.
I wish I could attend.
[chuckles]
But I must drive my car.
Are you... excited, sir?
I wouldn't say...
I'm excited, but...
I'm probably, I would say,
relieved, because if I do good,
this is basically
the break I'm looking for.
If I do bad,
I'll be selling cars
for the rest of my life.
Oh, my God. So it's
a very important event, then.
Yeah, you could say that. Yeah.
I'm wishing you
most excellent good luck, sir.
[Simon] Most excellent
good luck?
[Jerry] Most excellent
good luck.
Well I most excellently
appreciate your wishes.
And I hope they're true for me
and for my sake.
And congratulations on your car,
which is a tiger...
uh, in heat.
[laughs]
That joke I understand, sir.
[turning signal]
"Tiger in heat" you found funny?
Well a tiger in heat
would be very funny.
Uh, dangerous, but I see
how you make it funny.
You... you are good comedian.
Okay.
[laughter]
[Ed] Any ladies here
considering breast implants?
- [woman 1] No!
- [woman 2] Yes!
Any guys here considering
their ladies
should have breast implants?
[laughter]
Hey, here's the thing, ladies.
If you're with a guy
who wants you
to get a breast implant,
get rid of him!
The best breast enlargement
is sit closer!
[laughter]
Honestly, a breast enlargement
that a guy wants you to have,
it's only because he can't get
his penis made bigger.
[audience laughs] Oh!
[applause]
I am trying to take
care of myself,
'cause I'm a single guy.
Trying to figure out what women
find attractive in a man.
I think I have some things.
I don't know if you've noticed,
but my hands...
are pretty much gorgeous.
- [laughter]
- I take good care of them.
I've been told women look
at your hands
when they first meet you.
They also look at your eyes,
I've been told.
I've got some sweet baby blues
happening behind
these safety goggles.
[laughter]
And I've heard feet before,
which I didn't understand.
That sounds gross.
Who looks at a man's feet?
It's a size thing, right?
They think you got big shoes,
you got the... [whistles]
[laughter]
...big underpants, right?
Mine are a size 11.
[clicks tongue]
That is slightly above average.
[laughter]
They're 11 wide, actually.
[audience] Whoa!
Can barely get my gorgeous hands
around the thing.
[laughter]
[turning signal]
So, do you have...
all your friends and family
coming to see
your performance tonight?
Sure you going the right way?
It's faster, sir. Much faster.
- You sure?
- Very sure.
I don't know
if my family's coming.
I mean...
My father and my mother
are no longer here,
- unfortunately.
- I'm very sorry, sir.
And I have a brother,
and he's married.
And... that's us.
So hopefully he'll...
My brother will come tonight.
[smooth jazz]
I want you to stop
For just one second
I want you to take
One step back
Don't say one word
That you can't take back...
Come on, mom's waiting.
Let's go say goodbye.
I can't go. I... I can't do it.
Simon.
Let's go upstairs
and say goodbye to mom.
I don't want to say bye.
You've got to do it.
Hey.
You weren't there when dad died.
He was waiting for you.
Don't make the same mistake.
Why would you say that?
He wanted to say goodbye to you.
I know you regretted that.
Let's go, don't make
the same mistake. Come on!
That's it, there. Let's go.
[slow jazz]
...and you tore it apart
Threw it on the ground
And rolled it around
I am what I am
I'm my own man
And whether it's one second
Or another 100 years...
[William] Can you give us
a moment, please?
...never take anything
From someone like you...
[Audrey] Simon? There's a line
up at the gates of heaven.
Why are you keeping me
waiting, my son?
You've tried all your life
to make people laugh.
And you always
make yourself cry.
Why are you so sad, my son?
Then you understand
That you're so, so sad...
And what about your wife, sir?
Are you married?
- I'm not married, no.
- Ah.
Have you ever been married?
Jerry, It's tough enough
to get along with yourself,
let alone with somebody else.
No, I've...
never been married.
That is sad.
A man needs to be married.
Why, to be miserable?
Hm... you have not found
the right woman yet, I suppose.
Do they call you Jerry
'cause you're like
Jerry Springer?
[Jerry laughs] Who is that?
It's not important.
You know what? Everybody finds
their own happiness, Jerry.
I'm happy in my... in my...
[huffs] survival of life.
I'm okay. I'm good.
Yes, I understand.
I was very happy
with my Sharmila.
She's not with us
anymore, but...
I still talk to her every day.
[phone rings]
I have got to take this,
Jerry, okay?
[Jerry] Of course, sir.
Hello?
Si... Wha... What the fuck
are you doing, Simon?
You know what? I don't know
if I want to do this. I...
I don't want
to embarrass myself. I...
This is a... I guess
this is a big leap for me,
and I don't think I...
I don't think I want to do it.
What are you
fucking talking about?
I put my fucking balls
on the line for you.
But you told me they wanted me,
why are you telling me
that it's your ass?
I don't understand.
Of course they want you!
But I still had to put
my fucking balls on the line.
You know, credibility!
I'm the guy
who fucking recommended you.
What's the matter with you?
They want you!
Stop screaming
in my fucking ear.
Don't fucking do this to me.
Don't fucking do this
to yourself.
Get over here.
What the fuck are you doing?
Okay. [exhales heavily]
Sometimes I feel
like I'm married to you, Sally.
Okay. I'll do it.
We're on our way.
- Fuck!
- [cheers and applause]
[funky jazz]
There was a moment
In the past...
- Hey, Simon!
- Hey. Did you bring some money?
- [Sal] Of course I did.
- Good.
So tonight
you know what I'm thinking?
I want you to play
the deaf-mute.
I don't want to play
the deaf-mute.
You fucked it up already
- at playing the deaf-mute.
- [Sal laughs]
[funky jazz] Why so sad?
Why so bad?
Why so sad?
Times have become so bad
Why do you do this
If you just...
Hey, Garry.
[Garry]
Hey, Simon, what's going on?
Give me a scotch
with a couple of cubes, please.
Sure.
What do you... want to... drink?
You sure?
- Beer, for my buddy.
- [Garry] Sure.
- ...such a sad song
- [glass clinks]
One last time...
Good?
How you doing?
[Margaret] I, ah...
I speak sign language.
That isn't anything
that I recognize.
You know why?
'Cause we're speaking dialect.
Oh.[chuckles]
Ok.
[Margaret laughs]
[jazz music]
This is my favorite restaurant
in the whole world.
I love this place.
The food is absolutely amazing.
Well, you know why I come here?
The waiter.
He's like a father to me. Jack!
Buddy, we're ready.
[Jack]
Your favorite wine, Simon?
Absolutely.
It's my favorite
restaurant, I...
I come here all the time
and I love the waiter.
He's like a... father to me.
Jack?
This is my favorite restaurant
in the whole world.
I love this place.
And... the waiter
is like a dad to me. Jack!
We're ready, buddy.
Your favorite wine, Simon?
[pop]
- Miss?
- [Margaret] Please.
Thank you.
[wine gurgles]
- Ma'am?
- Please.
[wine gurgles]
Pinello!
- You spoil me, Simon.
- [glass clinks]
- Miss?
- Yes, please.
- [glass clinks]
- [wine gurgles]
Do you mind if I order for us?
Ah... nope. Thank you.
We're not going to need
the menus. I know exactly...
- Do you mind if I order for us?
- Not at all.
- [Simon] Do you mind if I order?
- No.
We're going to have
the filet mignon,
the lobster tail,
and I want them
to make the angel hair...
like they do for me,
alla puttanesca.
Please? Thank you.
So we're going to have
the filet mignon,
with the lobster.
We'll have the angel hair pasta
alla puttanesca.
Ok? Thank you.
We're going to have
the filet mignon,
the lobster tail,
and can you make that angel hair
alla puttanesca, please?
- Of course.
- Thank you.
[glasses clink]
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Thanks for coming out tonight.
- Thanks for having me.
- [clink]
[clink]
Do you mind? I've got
to make a quick call outside.
- I'll be right back.
- No problem.
I'm going to make a quick call.
Do you mind?
Not at all. Take your time.
I gotta make a quick call,
if you don't mind.
- Is that ok with you?
- Mm-hm.
- Sure.
- Be right back.
Everything's good?
- Amazing.
- Good.
Give me a sec.
I'll be right back.
Be back in a second.
Is everything alright?
Everything's amazing, but...
Jack, where's Simon?
He was making a call.
It's been a while...
Is everything alright?
Yes, excellent...
Is everything alright?
Mm, delicious, thank you.
[clink]
Where's Simon?
Is he coming back?
Nah.
[thud] Motherfucker!
[exhales heavily]
What a scumbag!
I'll fucking scratch
his eyeballs out
the next time I see him!
[inhales sharply]
[smooth jazz]
Look in the mirror
I just can't smile
- [phone rings]
- I need to find...
Simon, you ok?
Yeah, I'm good. Listen...
First of all, thank you
for the way you take care of me,
I appreciate it.
Anything for you.
It's ok, Simon.
That last girl,
I think her name was Margaret...
Yeah.
How did she take
paying the bill?
[chuckling] Well...
When she saw the bill,
she started laughing.
Ok...
Get the fuck outta here.
She started laughing?
Yeah, she was laughing.
Did she call me any names?
No. [chuckles]
Really?
Ok, thanks buddy.
I appreciate it.
I'll see you soon.
- Ok?
- It's ok. Anything, Simon.
You make me a man
You make me appreciate
[phone ringing]
Who I am...
Hello?
Um... Margaret?
- [laughing]
- It's Simon.
Wow, ah...
I'm surprised.
I honestly didn't think
I would hear from you again.
I really... I'm sorry
I had to leave, something...
came up and I couldn't get out
of it, and I apologize.
Ah-ha.
I'd like to make it up to you,
if possible.
Could I take you out again?
[scoffs]
You... you want me
to buy you dinner again?
No, no. I want to make it up
to you, and I got a big...
I got a big
thing going on tonight,
I'm performing
at The Comedy Basement.
It's being televised on cable.
And if you come...
If you can make it tonight,
I'd appreciate it,
and I'll make it up to you.
Ah...
[tsking] Let me think about it.
- Ok.
- [Margaret giggles]
Sorry about it, really.
I'm sorry about it,
I'll make it up to you. Ok?
- It's ok.
- Try to make it tonight.
- Ok.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
[laughter]
My daddy's
a hillbilly coal miner
from West by God Virginia.
So I'm a coal miner's daughter.
[cheers and applause]
He was a Marine,
he was in the United States
Marine Corps, so oorah!
- Yeah!
- Oorah!
My mama, she worked in a church
in Durham, North Carolina.
So naturally,
I am a Playboy Playmate.
[laughter]
True, I am Miss February...
[audience applauds] Whoo!
...1986.
[laughter]
I frickin' hate
saying that year,
it's a dead giveaway.
I'm old... erish.
I'm 33 years in Playmate years!
Whoo hoo!
[cheering]
Any guys here who like to send
pictures of their penises
to prospective dates?
Good, I'm glad nobody clapped.
[laughter]
'Cause I know
most of you are liars,
but at least you have
the common sense
not to admit it
in a crowd of people.
[laughter]
Not quite sure why a guy
would send a penis to a woman.
Is it like they hope
that later during the date
they can't be impersonated?
[laughter]
Like, "Wait a minute,
I've seen your penis,
and that's not your penis!"
I just don't understand it.
Women don't go for guys
for a penis.
Am I right, ladies?
By the time you know
the size of a guy's penis,
you've already committed.
Any ladies ever looked
at a penis and said,
"Sorry, I'm outta here?"
I imagine that would be
not because it's too small,
but because it's too big.
- [laughter]
- Ooh!
Ladies, you like 'em real big?
Hey, I don't understand that.
I thought the idea of sex
was that it was intimacy.
Why do you want
to have sex with a guy
who's in the other room?
Is everything alright, sir?
[Simon] It's ok, I guess.
You seemed to get very sober
with that telephone call.
Pardon me?
Somber, sober, sad.
For a comedian,
that doesn't sound good,
I don't think.
[Simon] I'm not sad. I'm just...
I think I just am...
got a lot going on in my mind
'cause I'm performing
and there's a lot of pressure,
'cause five minutes
for a comedian are an eternity.
[Jerry] Hmm... I understand.
But you are prepared
for these five minutes?
[Simon] Am I prepared?
Is anybody ever prepared
in life?
I don't know. We'll see.
I mean, everything is timing.
Sometimes when you're on stage
your timing is bang-on, and...
you're in the rhythm
of the audience and the crowd,
and sometimes
your timing is off,
and you die a slow death.
[Jerry] Hmm. Well, I have
faith in you, sir.
What kind of faith
are you talking about?
In my country...
there's very little reason
for faith.
In this country,
you have every reason for faith.
I have faith.
You have faith?
I have a gut feeling
about you, sir.
But you don't even know
who I am, or what I am.
[Jerry chuckles]
You know there's two types
of people in the world, right?
[stutters] What do you mean,
two types of people?
[Simon] There's good souls,
- and there's assholes.
- [Jerry chuckles]
How do you know I'm a good soul
and not an asshole?
Faith, sir. Faith.
[laughter]
[Glen] The dog is cute.
Roxy, that's her name.
We had a little compromise
with the dog.
I wanted to get a male dog
so we'd have
two neutered men in the family.
[laughter]
What happened was I took
my daughter to see the puppies,
and she fell in love
with a female,
and she named her Roxy,
because she has never been
to a strip club before.
[laughter]
I know,
it's such a stripper name!
If you're a guy, there's a list
of names in your head
and they're not
in your head all cutesy,
[high pitched]
it's not like, "Roxy!"
[low pitched]
It's like, "Roxay!"
"Coming to the dog park
right now, gentlemen,
it's Roxay!"
[laughter]
I know, I feel creepy
just calling this dog.
I say,
"Roxy! Here girl..." [splutters]
"Who wants a big bone?
- Huh? Who wants it?"
- [laughter]
- [Simon] Why are you so happy?
- [Jerry laughs]
Look around you, sir.
And?
[Jerry] It is paradise.
This is paradise to you?
Very much so.
Fine. You know what?
I'll take that
into consideration...
tonight.
And hopefully give myself
a big break.
Hopefully.
Have faith, sir.
You have faith in life?
[Jerry] I'm grateful
every morning.
For what?
[Jerry] For who I am.
For my...
happiness, for my children.
For being alive.
[Simon] Ok. Nice.
My father always planned
for the future.
But the future
was short-lived for him.
What are you gonna do?
[cheers and applause]
I did a whole bunch of TV shows
y'all might know,
I was on Growing Pains,
I was on The Drew Carey Show,
I played Peaches,
his hillbilly neighbor.
I was on The Golden Girls,
I was their
next door neighbor Ms. Mary.
Um, I did Beverly Hills 90210,
I did nine covers
of Playboy magazine
around the world, whoo hoo!
[whistles and cheers]
Thank you very much.
I'd just like everyone to know
who I think I used to be.
[laughter]
'Cause what I really am
is just a small town,
blue jean wearing,
four-wheeler riding,
hillbilly talking,
country music listening,
tailgate sitting,
blowjob giving,
blue collar boy loving
kind of gal.
[laughter and cheering]
Most of the people here,
when a Playboy Playmate's
speaking,
it's "wah wah wah, wah wah wah,
blowjob giving,
wah wah wah wah."
I am sorry
that he is not here to...
attend tonight.
Me too.
Me too.
He was my biggest fan.
And he stuck by me
when I was booed.
But he is here.
You have to forgive me, Jerry,
for being a little cynical.
I really, truly,
don't want to offend
what you believe in, in your...
culture and your religion,
but I don't believe
in that shit.
My father had faith,
so did my mother,
and they're both gone.
Did they have a good life?
Were they happy?
[Simon] Yeah, they were.
Well, I never saw
my father on his deathbed,
because I didn't have the guts.
I didn't have the guts.
But my mother, yes.
I was there when...
she had her last breath of life
before they removed the...
the batteries from her.
Yeah, she was happy.
You were there for your mother.
That is a great blessing.
I agree.
I do, Jerry, I agree. I'm happy
I was able to say bye to her.
And I'm disappointed in myself,
to be honest with you,
that I didn't get a chance
to say bye to my dad,
because I'm a fucking coward.
[Jerry grunts]
And the whole theory about,
you know, how black men
supposedly are all so well-hung?
You think about the damage
that does to black men
who are averagely hung?
[laughter]
Just think about
how they have to walk around
knowing that one day
they'll show their penis
and it's not going to be
12 inches flaccid.
[chuckles]
And just think of how awful
they're going to feel
in comparison
to the guys in porn.
Because that's the only place
penises are actually that big.
Oh, there's a lady here
who doubts that?
[laughter]
The guy sitting next to her
is beaming.
- [man] Yeah.
- Where's your hand?
Why's it under the table?
[laughter]
[Jerry] Let us not be so sad,
you are a funny man.
You're going to perform tonight.
You are a very funny man.
I know it!
What, are you
from Jerry Seinfeld?
Who?
[Simon] It doesn't matter.
I gave you two jokes
and you didn't laugh.
I don't understand it.
Try another one.
Nah...
But thank you, Jerry,
I really appreciate it,
actually.
I did not want to take an Uber,
because, I told my brother
"They all smell like curry."
- [Jerry] Hm?
- But your car smells brand-new.
Because it is brand-new!
Next week, if I pick you up,
it will smell like curry, but...
- [both chuckle]
- That's funny.
At least you're honest...
You're a good guy, Jerry!
Thank you, sir.
Are we close?
Three and a half minutes, sir.
Three and a half minutes.
[laughter]
Because I was a Playmate,
everybody just thinks
I knew everything about sex.
Sex, sex, sex... Nuh-uh!
I was about to get married,
I didn't even know
how to give a... blowjob!
And, um, then...
I couldn't go have that sex talk
with my mama,
'cause she works in a church
and it wasn't comfortable.
So I went to Ms. Mary,
Hugh Hefner's secretary.
Does anybody watch
The Girls Next Door show?
- Did y'all know that show?
- [all] Yes!
Ok, you know who Ms. Mary is?
Mis. Mary was in her 70s
when she gave me the sex talk.
And this is what she said.
She said: "Honey,
you did know that 'blow'
was just an expression, right?
[chuckling]
It should be called 'suck it'."
[laughter]
I was doing pretty good.
[Jeff] I got these nice eyes,
decent-size feet,
and these beautiful,
beautiful hands.
[audience] Whoo!
What they didn't tell me is that
if you're losing your hair,
none of that other shit matters.
[laughter]
I just recently
started shaving my head.
I guess as an act of surrender
on behalf of my hair, really.
It was obviously losing
the war to my forehead
for dominance of my face.
[laughter]
The hair put up a great fight.
But the troops
just kept retreating,
and retreating,
and retreating...
- [laughter]
- Yeah.
And then some of my forehead
flanked them from the back.
[laughter and applause]
[Jerry] Are there any other
famous comedians
like yourself tonight?
[Simon] Um, you know what,
I'm really bad with names,
but yes, it's very...
People much more talented
than me, people very famous.
I'm not famous at all,
nobody knows me.
[Jerry] Oh,
then this sounds like
an excellent opportunity
for you.
Yeah, and I'm actually...
quite surprised,
and trying to understand
why I have this opportunity,
because....
I think that I'm kind of...
Being a little honest
with myself,
I don't believe
I deserve this opportunity
because I've been very lazy.
[sighs] Opportunity does not
come to those who deserve,
just like bad things happen
to those who don't deserve.
You should just accept it,
and not judge it.
So you're saying
go with the flow?
[Jerry] Well, be grateful
for the opportunity.
And kill! [laughs]
"Kill?"
Isn't that what they say?
[Simon] Yeah,
yeah they do, actually.
I'll do my best, Jerry,
I'll do my best.
[Ed] By the way,
did you ever notice
that there's a lot of jokes
you can't tell anymore?
Things have become so sensitive,
there's jokes you can't tell.
Which, ok, I understand it,
we're much more enlightened now.
But what will we do
with all those great Newfie
and Polish jokes?
[laughter]
Who can be targets nowadays?
So, c'mon,
the idea of a submarine
with a screen door,
that's funny!
The idea of a mission to the sun
that lands at night?
That's funny!
[laughter]
But now we can't attach it
to any ethnicity.
What group
can we still make fun of?
I'm thinking there's one group
we can still make fun of
that everybody hates.
Old people.
[laughter]
Am I wrong?
Everybody hates old people.
[laughter]
And let's face it,
old people is your age plus 40.
[laughter]
Started losing
my hair when I was 19.
- [audience] Ooh!
- Yeah, didn't seem fair at all.
I went from one day I had to use
a fake ID to get into a bar,
next day I'm getting
a senior's discount at Denny's.
[laughter and applause]
We're almost there, Mr. Simon.
Are you rehearsing?
I never rehearse.
Never?
Never.
[Jerry] Then you must
be perfect. [chuckles]
[Simon] I'm far
from being perfect.
Maybe it's because
I don't rehearse.
[Jerry] I have to rehearse
everything I do
because I want to be perfect.
[chuckling]
[Simon] Maybe that's
what I should do.
Mr. Simon,
remember what you said:
there are two kinds of people,
good souls and assholes.
You are a good soul.
You think?
- I know.
- You really think?
I have faith.
[turning signal]
Thank you, Jerry.
That means a lot to me,
I appreciate it.
Maybe that's what I need.
I need a little faith.
Actually, I've been doing
a lot of shows on cruise ships,
but that market's
kind of dried up now.
So...
[laughter]
My favorite
cruise ship thing recently...
That Italian one
that went up on its side.
[audience] Aw!
- That captain, "Cap'n Crunch"
- [laughter]
as I like to call him,
you know what he did?
Basically he was trying to wave
to a friend of his onshore,
and basically he did, like,
the nautical equivalent
of buzzing the tower
in a small plane, you know?
And he was off the ship,
this guy, he was off the ship,
before the passengers,
before the crew.
Right? And the excuses!
"Oh, it was dark!
It was dark,
I fell in the lifeboat.
It started paddling by itself,
I didn't know how to control it.
I know how to work
the big ships,
these little ones
are a mystery to me."
[laughter]
"Oh, I was just testing out,
I was testing out the lifeboat
to make sure it was safe
for the other passengers."
[laughter]
And I say, good thing
this happened in Italy.
Right? Off the coast of Italy.
Because anywhere else
in the world,
[mimics Italian accent]
"Me no speaking English!
Boat go boom boom, she sink!
I don't know what happened!
I'm just a guy standing here,
boat sink over there!
Don't look at me,
I'm standing here all day
minding my own business,
boat sink over there.
Somebody help those people! Ahh!
Who put this uniform on me?
This is not my uniform!
I fell asleep,
a man put a hat on my head..."
We're almost there, sir.
I'm very excited for you.
I think I am too, now.
[Jerry chuckles]
[Simon] Thank you, Jerry.
Appreciate it.
On the house, sir.
Life is a series of moments.
And hopefully
we will see each other again.
We may not, but if we do,
then that will be
a sign of friendship.
And... another moment.
[Simon] You're very
philosophical, there, Jerry.
But... you know what?
If I see you again, it'd be...
my honor and my pleasure
to call you my friend.
You see? I am grateful.
You know Jerry, ironically,
it is me who is grateful.
And usually I'm always
the one that's ungrateful.
And I just realized something...
That I was very ungrateful
for a lot of great things
in my life
to a lot of great people.
Thank you for that, Jerry.
No charge, sir.
No charge.
[smooth jazz]
Then one morning
You looked into the mirror
And you noticed
All the years of fear...
[Jerry] We are friends, now.
You need some sugar.
Give me a good luck hug!
[hearty laughter]
That's something
I'll never know
The last thing I remember
I said hello
Where did my time go?
[applause]
- Please slow it down
- [cheering]
Help me keep my feet
On the ground...
- [Julie indistinct]
- [cheers]
[grunts] The fuck,
were you waiting there?
What's the matter with you?
I thought you were dead!
- What do you mean, "dead"?
- That you weren't coming.
- I told you I was.
- [cheers]
I know. Hang on, listen,
you're going last.
I don't wanna go last,
that's a lot of pressure.
I know, but it's the best spot.
You'll be phenomenal.
You're going last.
- That's Joseph Rogers.
- Yeah, don't...
- Let me ask him a question.
- Look, Simon, Simon...
- Excuse me, Joseph?
- [cheers and applause]
Mr. Rogers.
Mr. Rogers, can I just ask you
a question? Please?
[sighs] What?
You've been writing a column
for as long
as I've been doing this,
how come you've never written
anything about me?
'Cause I only write
about comedians.
[cheering]
I got a few beauty tips
for the girls.
Listen, instead of getting
Botox in your forehead
like all the pinup gals do,
um, I recommend bangs.
[laughter]
It's a whole lot cheaper
and a lot less painful.
[Ed indistinct in background]
- You know me?
- [Mike] I know who you are.
Means a lot to me.
Thanks, appreciate it.
Don't worry about it now.
You have a great show tonight.
Thank you, Mr. Marino.
- Kill 'em.
- Thanks.
[applause]
I'm not the sock,
I'm nobody's puppet,
don't you be either.
[laughter and applause]
Thank you!
Aww! My time is up!
Give it up
for Julie McCollough, everybody!
Thank y'all very much!
Thank you for having me!
Thank you very much
ladies and gentlemen.
Have yourselves a great evening.
[Freddy] Give it up for him!
What a great crowd!
I love you! [smack]
Enjoy yourselves. Thank you.
Thank you, thank you so much.
Thank you very much,
have a good night.
[cheering]
Ladies and gentlemen,
this man, once he retired
from quarterbacking
the Miami Dolphins
decided to become a comedian,
please welcome the very,
very funny Mike Marino!
[cheers and applause]
Come on folks, make some noise!
Come on, let's go!
Thanks, appreciate it.
Hey folks, one more time
for all these
great entertainers.
Come on, ain't they fantastic?
[cheering]
Thank you so much
for letting me come over.
It's fantastic,
I'm very happy to be here.
My name is Mike Marino,
I'm Italian,
I'm from a small place in Italy
called New Jersey.
[laughter]
Yeah, make sure you laugh
at what I say,
I ain't even a comedian,
this is community service.
I like being Italian.
Growing up, a lot
of people never believed
that I came
from an Italian family
'cause I'm light skinned
and have blue eyes.
Tell you people in this room
right now, full-blood Italian,
both my parents born in Italy.
And I can prove that.
[laughter]
I'm 55 years old,
and I still live at home
with my ma.
[laughter and applause]
Don't worry about it,
I see it in your face.
You're gonna have a good set,
don't worry about it.
- Alright?
- Thanks.
[Mike indistinct]
Get 'em! Break a leg!
[laughter]
We think we need to involve
Italian people
in more things in this world,
we wouldn't have
half the problems
we've got, right?
- [audience] Yeah!
- Think about it.
I don't like what the president
is doing in the U.S.
We need a nice,
Italian president
from New Jersey to take over.
- [audience] Yeah!
- I'd make a great president.
I was running
for a year and a half,
I shoulda been in there,
I woulda been perfect.
"Make America Italian Again,"
that's the slogan.
That's right.
I had great ideas.
I wouldn't have even needed
four years.
Three months, straighten out
the whole country.
Done, perfect.
They'd ask me questions,
like how did I end wars
in foreign countries.
"Hey Mr. President,
you took care
of that problem in North Korea,
can you tell us what you did?"
I'd be on national television
dressed up
in a three-piece suit,
but I have my Cabinet behind me,
you know my Cabinet?
Anthony, Nicky,
Joey, Sally, Tony...
Like, "Mr. President,
what happened?"
I'd be like, "Oh, you mean
out there in North Korea,
with the guy and the thing?
[laughter]
Well, here's what happened.
We went out there to talk
to him, and then, uh...
I don't know what happened."
[laughter and applause]
Yeah.
"But he's gone now.
And there's nothing
you can do about it."
[laughter]
I always wanted
to be on television
during the debates.
'Cause if you remember
during the debates,
they made fun of each other
on national television,
and you don't do that shit.
That shows weakness
in foreign countries.
Imagine them making fun
of a guy like me.
Then the Master of Ceremonies
looks at me and says,
"Mr. Marino, Clinton and Trump
just made fun of you
on national television.
Would you like a rebuttal?"
I'd say, "Yes I would!
Go to a commercial break."
[laughter]
Then we come back from break,
you can't find
either of them anywhere.
[audience] Ooh!
[Mike] Then they look at me
and go, "What happened?"
I'm like, "Ah...
I don't know what happened."
[laughter]
"But they're gone now,
and there's nothing
you can do about it."
[cheers and applause]
C'mon, people.
- [Mike continues indistinct]
- It's ok.
It's ok.
We know you want
to be a comedian.
And you're talented.
You're funny.
You are a funny man,
you're going to perform tonight.
You are a very funny man.
I know it!
[laughter]
Folks, I actually just came back
from doing a USO comedy tour.
I went to Afghanistan,
Baghdad, Kuwait.
I went to go entertain
the troops.
Right?
Now, if you guys remember,
when we first went
to war out there,
France didn't want
to help America.
Y'all remember that?
France didn't want
to help America.
So I told the troops
if I ran the country
and France didn't want
to help America,
I'd cut the head off
the Statue of Liberty
and send it back to France
as a warning.
[laughter]
People, don't make me
paint a picture for you.
Imagine the French ambassador
seeing the head
of the Statue of Liberty
come floating back in on a boat.
Ok, but there's no body parts,
just a head all fucked up
with an icepick in the eye.
[laughter]
That's sending a message.
[audience] Oh!
C'mon you wanna talk
about discrimination?
Whenever the Italians are
on television or movies,
what do they make us play?
- [audience] Mob.
- Mafia, right?
That's discrimination
against the Italians.
And all I ever wanted to play
was a mob boss in a mob movie
and I've been in two of 'em,
and in both of them
I was the Irish cop
that got whacked
in the first 60 seconds.
[laughter]
Get the Italians
are on some better shows.
You know,
more educational type shows
for the children.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
You guys remember the movie
The Sixth Sense?
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
That would be a good place
for an Italian actor.
Because then that little boy
would've been considered a rat.
[laughter]
Think about it, he woulda went,
"I see dead people!"
Guy woulda said,
"Shut the fuck up.
You don't see nobody.
[laughter]
We buried them good.
Next dead person you gonna see
gonna be you.
Now go look for yourself."
- [laughter]
- [audience] Ohh!
[Mike] And naturally you people
know most of the craziest trials
come out of California.
Don't they, folks?
You see the trials
that come out of California:
O.J. Simpson, Laci Peterson,
Robert Blake...
Even the whole
Michael Jackson trial
to me was like
a California event.
'Cause I always tell
the people there
if they ever killed anybody
from New York or New Jersey,
that shit never
would've made it to a trial.
[audience] Ooh!
C'mon people, don't make me
paint a picture for you here.
Imagine if O.J. Simpson killed
someone from an Italian family.
That judge woulda asked
the family one time,
"Does the family
wish to press charges?"
Family woulda went, "Ha ha ha...
No.
Let him go."
Yeah, "We forgive him.
Better yet, judge,
we'll drive him home from here.
[laughter]
Vinny! Get the bat,
O.J. is coming over."
That's my time, you guys
have been a great crowd.
- I'm Mike Marino.
- [cheering]
Thank you very much, folks.
- Thank you, buddy.
- Appreciate it.
Mike Marino, everybody!
Mike Marino!
Mike Marino,
ladies and gentlemen.
That man is going places.
Is he funny or what?
[all] Yeah!
Alright, now...
Now I have to tell you
that this last guest
warms my heart,
that I have the opportunity
to be on this stage
in my own place
and do this introduction.
Ladies and gentlemen,
in his Basement debut,
my personal friend Simon McCabe.
Give it up for Simon!
[cheering]
Simon!
Thank you very much,
it's very kind of you.
So, ladies and gentlemen,
if you were to win the lottery,
or you make a lot of money,
what's the first thing
you're gonna do?
You're gonna buy a car.
A nice car
if you're a guy, right?
So this penguin
wins a million dollars...
[laughter]
...and he buys
a brand new 2018 Camaro.
It's gorgeous, it's beautiful.
He loves this car.
So he's driving on a highway,
and he hears a knock
on the engine.
It's about 11:55 a.m.
So he goes to a GM dealership,
which was right off the highway.
And he goes, "Listen...
[laughter]
...there's a knock
on the fucking engine.
I love this car. I love it,
it's my first serious car."
So the service advisor says,
"Listen, it's 11:55,
it's a union shop,
everybody goes to lunch
at twelve o'clock.
There's a Dairy Queen across
the street, go over there.
Get yourself an ice cream.
After lunch we'll look at it."
Penguin goes, "Ok."
[laughter]
Goes across,
one o'clock he shuffles back,
he's got this triple-decker
vanilla ice cream.
Goes to the guy,
"Did you get a chance
to look at my car?"
Goes, "Yeah, it looks like
you blew a seal."
He goes "Fuck you! All I'm doing
is licking the ice cream."
Thank you. You're very kind.
So a friend of mine...
Any dog people?
You guys like dogs?
- Yeah!
- Yes.
You can tell a lot
about a human being
if they're a dog guy.
But some people
get carried away,
everybody thinks
their dog's the smartest.
They post them on Facebook...
But this guy
took his dog everywhere.
So he's in a bar
and his friend goes,
"You know, it's a little weird
that you go everywhere
with your dog."
He goes,
"My dog is a fucking genius.
My dog can do anything."
The guy goes "Really?" Guy goes,
"Watch this. Rover, come here.
Go get me a gin and tonic."
[pants] "Alright."
Dog goes to the bar...
[chuckling]
He goes,
"What are you drinking?"
"Very dry martini,
dirty, with one olive."
"Rover, dry martini,
dirty with one olive."
[pants] "Alright."
[laughter]
So guy says, "Big fuck. Your dog
knows how to make drinks."
He goes, "My dog's a genius,
he can do anything."
He goes,
"Let's put him to the test.
I'll give him 20 dollars,
tell him to get me
a small Marlborough.
Regular. And bring me back
the exact change."
"Rover, 20 bucks,
small Marlborough, regular.
Bring back the change."
[pants] "Alright". Dog leaves.
Fifteen minutes,
twenty minutes goes by,
guy goes, "You know what?
Your dog's fucked,
he's stupid, he's just a dog,
and I lost 20 bucks."
He goes,
"No way. Something's wrong.
My dog wouldn't do this."
So they go looking for him
all over the place.
Finally get to a park...
"Rover, Rover!"
They looked and there's Rover
banging the hell
out of this French poodle.
[laughter]
So guy taps him
on the back goes,
"Rover, you never did
this before."
[pants] "I never had the money."
Thank you.
[cheering]
Simon McCabe!
[jazz music]
I know we've been down
This long road
And here's something
That I've been told
Everyone makes
So many mistakes
So tell me, honey
What it's gonna take
Because sometimes
Things change, I know
And sometimes
Things never seem the same
Can you just take me
Seriously?
Can you just grab my hand
And give me
One more opportunity
Because everyone
Has a moment of grace
Save face
Sometimes the wind blows
The branch all the way back
And it just can't hold on
And it snaps
But I'm saying our love
Has a destiny
And it's something
That you and me
Can see
Sometimes things change
I know...
I just sold my first car
and I totally grossed
the piss out of this guy.
And cut. Keep rolling.
Do it again.
-You pissed the gross...
- I pissed the gross
right out of him.
- You got it?
- Can you do another one?
- No.
- [beep]
I don't believe in that shit.
You've got to make a right here.
Yeah, but this goes north.
I want to go south.
Yeah, so we can't go south
this way,
- I fucked up.
- [beep]
Why are we fucking talking?
What's going on here?
What's going on here?
Didn't you say "action"?
- Yeah.
- [beep]
Keep that fucking thing up
there, brother.
I love you. I don't wanna...
it's not a Canadian movie
where we'll get knocked out
- with a fucking boom.
- [beep]
I haven't been to bed yet, guys.
How can I fucking work
without sleep, dude?
- Who can remember all this shit?
- [beep]
Action! Action.
Start again.
Do it again, do it again.
Hang on.
- I want it to be fluid, ok?
- Ok.
- Action.
- [beep]
See this here?
You know I love you, right?
But every time you do this,
it gets lower and lower.
- You trying to kill me?
- [beep]
Your favorite wine, Simon?
Please.
Fuck it. Do it again.
I'm not going to see it,
but she's going to see it.
[beep]
I need menus, and I need
two more of these.
- [beep]
- Get out of my shot, people.
- [beep]
- Hey Ed, I can hear you.
- Ed, I can hear you.
- [beep]
What's happening, bro?
- [Simon] Sun tanning my balls.
- [laughs]
- [beep]
- [laughing]
What a world they live in.
[music crescendo]
I believe
Can you just take me
Seriously?