The Karate Dog (2005) Movie Script

[electronic beeping]
[electronic female voice]
You have requested
access to Lot 99.
Access code, please.
You have requested
access to Lot 99.
Access code, please.
Access denied.
Warning: security breach.
Warning: security breach.
Warning: security breach.
[alarm whooping]
[cats yowling]
[garbage can crashing]
[mysterious music]
[fire crackling]
Look, Cho Cho,
a letter from my brother.
He seems to know
always what I'm thinking.
Why can I never
find my glasses?
(Cho Cho)
I'll get 'em.
Ah, my dear brother.
Here you go, boss.
Thank you, thank you.
And I thought I was the one
supposed to take
car of you, hmm?
Don't speak.
Remember all that
I taught you, Cho Cho.
Words are precious.
Use them only for truth.
Look, this was Tibet.
Is that Hamilton?
Hamilton, my favorite student.
Oh, boy, this was such
a long time ago.
[rattling at the door]
Now, stay.
(Cho Cho)
W-where you going?
Okay, but I don't like this.
Shhh, shhh.
Stay here, Cho Cho.
I need you safe.
I need you safe too.
What are you do...?
[ominous music]
Mr. Li.
You have something
that belongs to us.
If you give us
simple cooperation,
your loyalty will be
rewarded a hundred fold.
How can you take something
so good, so pure,
just for
your personal greed?
You should be
ashamed of yourself.
Bring him along.
[suspenseful music]
[loud crash]
[Chin coughing]
Sorry it had to end
this way.
(Cho Cho)
Hey, get your
stinking paws off him.
[loud crash]
Cho Cho?
Right here.
Cho Cho.
Take him.
[suspenseful music]
[yelping frantically]
Cho Cho.
Cho Cho.
[breathing heavily]
[phones ringing]
State the nature
of your emergency.
[Cho Cho over phone]
Will you please hurry?
He's dying.
Who's dying?
My friend.
He's dying.
Stay calm,
help is on the way.
Can I have your name, please?
Sir, may I have
your name, please?
Remember to
protect the dogs.
Speak only to one
who seeks the truth.
I love you, dear friend.
[melancholy music]
[siren whooping]
Well, well, well,
look who's here.
So the Laptop Cop
is getting his hands
dirty out in the field, huh?
Ha, ha, ha, it's funny.
We're all cops, guys.
I just use technology
as my weapon.
Keep your eye
on the car, Gonzalez.
It's a classic.
Step back, Fowler.
Real cops go first.
Wow, a real corpse.
Davis, did you dust right here?
Oh, excuse me.
You remember me?
Y... you taught my new technology
seminar at the academy.
Yes, of course.
How could I forget?
3, 4.
3, 4?
Third row, fourth seat...
You always sat there.
I'm impressed.
Excuse me for interrupting
your important conversation,
but we've
got work to do.
Well, he's right.
I probably should
get to work.
Computer Fowler,
caller code: cougar.
[electronic female voice]
Hi, Peter.
So we're on a case?
Okeydokey, let your
fingers do the walking.
You and your computerized
date want to be alone?
Oh, I was just making it,
you know, user-friendly.
It's their first date.
Give him a break.
Maybe he'll get lucky.
[modem dialing in]
What's COLAR?
Stands for Criminology Online
Analysis Research.
COLAR searches
through thousands
of domestic and international
law enforcement databases.
It's actually the most advanced
analytical system in the world.
See, with this data,
it can assess a crime scene
with more speed and accuracy
than ever before.
We don't need your computer
for this case, Fowler.
You'll need this.
Oh, nice.
I'll take that.
Hey, that's evidence.
I should see that.
I can't do my job
without the evidence, guys.
I'm just looking for the truth.
Waiting for your instructions,
Detective Fowler.
Okay, COLAR.
Analyze probability that
incident was gang-related.
Until your computer sprouts
legs and a gun, it's my call
what's evidence and what's not.
It's a robbery gone wrong,
pure and simple.
She's a street cop.
She knows what
I'm talking about.
Yeah, Fowler.
Give it up.
It's a no-brainer.
Oh, then I guess you're
the right man for the job.
Animal Control,
priority status.
Where's the dog?
Take it easy.
It's a crime scene.
Don't tell me how to do my job.
It's been a long night.
I'm just here
to administer a little TLG.
Don't you mean TLC?
TLG: Tag 'em, Lock 'em, Gas 'em.
It's nappy time, doggy.
Here, puppy,
[everyone yelling
Canine cutthroat.
Jeez, did you
trip over my foot?
I didn't see you.
Wow, '69 Cougar
with a sports package?
I'm sorry.
See you, Fowler.
[mischievous music]
Nice digs.
I could live here.
[Cho Cho coughs]
You know, it wasn't a robbery.
Who's that?
(Cho Cho)
Please don't turn that on.
I wish to remain anonymous.
What... what the...
Hey, aren't you the dog
from the crime scene?
How'd you get here?
Stay, doggy.
I'm a cop with a gun.
A really big gun.
COLAR, lights.
Hey, how'd you get here
all the way from Chin Li's?
Okay, I'm going
to talk now.
Whatever you do,
try to remain calm.
Well, I was hoping
for a little calmer than that.
I warned you
not to turn on the light.
Uh-huh, you're upset.
Okay, you're upset.
I know; I'm upset too.
My best friend
just died in my arms.
Took the heart right out of me,
believe me.
Okay, enough.
I need your help.
I came here because I know
you're the one who can help me.
Please just tell me
I didn't make a mistake.
H-h-how are you doing that?
Talking like a human.
It's easy.
It's like riding a bike.
I'm pretty good at that too.
Just trying to loosen you
up a little, Fowler.
Must be some sort
of voice transmitter.
(Cho Cho)
Jeez, humans.
Boy, you don't mind
if we squat on the lawn
or anywhere else
for that matter,
but trying having a simple
conversation and, "Woof!"
It's the end of the world.
Good God.
Hey, watch it, pal.
I don't know you
well enough yet.
As far as you're concerned,
I'm neutered.
I don't believe this.
There's no microphone.
Must be some sort of
computer-generated hologram.
You haven't heard
a word I've said, have you?
All right, we'll try it again,
Detective Foul-up.
It was not a simple robbery.
The guys who killed Chin Li
were professional assassins.
And what would
professional assassins want
with some old man who could...
Oh, my God.
I'm having
a conversation with a dog.
Oh, boy.
Okay, okay.
I'm a scientific investigator.
Approach this calmly,
logically, and rationally.
Now, this should interesting.
Dogs don't talk!
It's not possible.
It's not... possible.
(Cho Cho)
Sure it's possible.
Lookit, I can
even do impressions.
[impersonating Peter]
Dogs don't talk!
Pretty good, huh?
Want to see my Britney Spears?
Cut that out.
Just kidding, just kidding.
Got any chow?
Frozen pizza, cheese logs,
fast food leftovers, bacon bits.
Don't you have anything
that doesn't clog your arteries?
How about dog food?
Dog food would be good.
Hey, Naked Chef,
could we talk about the talking?
Pay attention, now.
Chin Li was a great Zen master.
He... he wanted me to talk.
He willed it.
Are you with me?
So Chin Li taught you to talk?
Actually, all dogs talk.
You mean, so those people
you see in the park
talking to their dogs...
They're not nuts?
They're actually
speaking to 'em?
No, those people are nuts.
Look, it's simple.
Dogs talk dog talk;
horses talk horse talk;
aardvarks talk...
Oddly enough, they talk German.
No, I'm just kidding.
Hey, you get the idea.
No, I don't.
This is insane.
You're speaking human.
our original decision
to befriend man
was more impressive to me.
Because man has been
a questionable friend.
Then why to me,
The name is Cho Cho.
Then walk to me, Cho Cho?
Because you were the only one
there looking for the truth.
Look, someone killed
my best friend, Fowler.
Help me find out who.
Please help me.
Guess I can sleep on it.
But one thing.
(Cho Cho)
No walking on your hind legs.
That creeps me out, man.
Okay, deal.
Show me some love.
Don't do that either.
Come on.
Shaking hands
is one of those
stupid doggy tricks
humans live for.
Hey, I'm just kidding.
I'm just kidding.
Feel if I don't laugh
I'm gonna cry.
Know how you feel.
Found this old blanket
so you can sleep...
on the floor.
[trolley dinging]
Uh, maybe it was just a dream.
[toilet flushing]
Don't light a match in here
for another hour.
I'm almost done;
you want to go next?
You're doing it again.
Doing what?
What? It!
Walking, brushing your doggy
teeth with my toothbrush.
(Cho Cho)
Uh, your morning paper's
on the table.
I fetched it.
Take off my underpants.
Ooh, Mr. Grouch.
Come on, partner.
Let's round up some perps.
There's no way I'm taking you
to the station with me, okay?
Okay, fine.
I'll just stay here
and pee on your rug.
You don't think slobber
will hurt this computer stuff,
do you?
Do the neighbors like
a lot of loud barking?
Upholstery with fava beans...
Come on.
This is blackmail.
(Cho Cho)
Hold on.
Ooh, the old San Francisco Bay.
I see forever now...
(Cho Cho)
What a day,
what a day, what a day.
Oh, baby, baby, baby,
make me want to sing to you.
I'm in the mood
to drive across the bridge.
Hey, can I drive?
Oh, baby,
baby, baby.
Oh, what a day.
It's beautiful.
I've got the world
on my side.
I want to sing,
and I want to dance!
Why the long face?
Cho Cho, it's just
not gonna happen.
(Cho Cho)
But you gave me your word.
Just sit back and relax, okay?
Watch the car.
If you want to leave me alone
in a beautiful, primo '69 Cougar
with a sports package.
Whoa, hold the phone.
You don't still think you're
coming inside with me, do you?
But you're the computer nerd;
I'm the people person.
But you're
not even people.
I really think we should
talk about this, Fowler.
Talk about it?
Yeah, all right,
we could talk about it.
As a matter of fact, talking in
the right place could be good.
I like my job, Cho Cho.
Don't embarrass me.
[Cho Cho, whispering]
Don't you embarrass me.
Hey, it looks like
the computer finally paid off.
He's got a date.
Okay, you can wait for me
in the interrogation room.
Just don't touch anything,
Looks like NYPD Blue.
Hey, where do they keep
the police dogs?
You stay put
while I check in, okay?
(Cho Cho)
Criminal who got away?
Ex-wife who got the house.
Good news.
Just heard back
from division.
They're approving COLAR
for the entire department.
No way.
Talking about building a new
state-of-the-art command center.
That's incredible news.
You'd be in charge of
the command center,
and I'd be in charge of you.
Everybody wins.
So make sure and get COLAR's
list of possible suspects
out to Gerber so we can
start making arrests.
Well, I haven't quite
run that analysis yet, sir.
Why not?
Well, 'cause I don't think that
COLAR has all the proper data.
What if I had an eyewitness?
[whimsical music]
There's a dog
in my interrogation room.
Just bear with me on this one.
All I want you to do is watch.
Watch what?
I don't know.
How to say this, so I'm just
going to come out and say it.
That dog, the dog right there
in that room, he's gonna...
You mean, you say, "Speak,"
and he barks.
No, no, I say, "Speak,"
and he speaks,
full sentences,
subject, verb, object,
the whole enchilada.
What's up?
Oh, nothing
out of the ordinary.
Fowler says
this dog is gonna talk.
You mean, like, confess?
Just need you to go over
the facts again about Chin Li.
Come on, you remember.
Tell me again
about the assassins
who attacked your master.
Come on; you remember how you
karate-chopped the one guy
and then drop-kicked the other
and then you called 911.
[men laughing]
He's not going to talk
without his lawyer present.
Come on, Cho Cho, why?
What, is it what I said
before about getting creeped out
when you walk
on your hind legs?
Cho Cho, speak.
Come on, Cho Cho.
Come on, help me out here, pal.
Cho Cho, speak, please.
Please, Cho Cho,
don't do this to me.
Hey, they're making out
on their first date.
All right, you two.
Out of here,
both of you.
Come on, out.
Let's go.
Yes, thank you very much.
Go on.
Hey, Dr. Doolittle,
get your butt in here pronto.
A dog that called 911?
Are you trying
to get yourself fired?
Well, you listen to me, Fowler.
Unless you have an eyewitness,
one without a tail,
I suggest you go back
and analyze your data
and let real detectives
make the arrests.
Is that clear?
Keep that dog
out of my squad room.
You did that on purpose.
Of course I did.
Well, I may be a dog,
but that doesn't mean
I can't smell a rat.
I trust you, Fowler.
But this is crazy.
You're a dog that talks.
This turns theories
of evolution upside down.
I just wanted them to hear you.
I told you I could only speak
to the man who seeks the truth.
That was supposed to be you.
Chin Li was like a father to me,
and now they've killed him.
He deserves justice.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
What I did was wrong.
I'm sorry.
Cho Cho, please.
Come on, show me some love.
One last chance.
Shake on it?
Look, can we continue this
in the bathroom?
The bathroom?
'Cause I got to take a whiz.
Never saw guys
taking a leak before?
Look, we're
partners now, okay?
You're not gonna
kiss me, are you?
I don't know
you well enough.
Look, just promise me
one thing, all right?
If we solve this case,
you have to let the rest of
the world know
that you can talk.
I'll tell you what:
if we solve this case,
I'll sing a love song to a cat
in front of the whole squad.
(Cho Cho)
All right, we should
start our investigation
where Chin Li worked... the
dog track, Cage's Kennel Club.
Uh, uh, I'll make
the decisions here.
Is the dog
from the crime scene?
Yeah, he sort of
followed me home.
Guess I adopted him.
Well, that was
very sweet of you.
So, uh, anyway,
I came to apologize.
Most detectives
make up their mind
before they ever
get to the crime scene,
but you refused
to take the easy way out.
I should've backed you up,
but I didn't.
Oh, pshh, come on,
no, no, no.
That's, you know...
I understand how it is.
It's just how things work
at the department.
Yeah, well, either way,
you're the kind of cop I want
to be when I make detective.
Yeah, well, it'll happen.
I don't know.
I'm really good on the streets,
but I, uh, I choked
on the written exam.
Well, maybe, uh, next time,
you know, you're studying
for the written exam, maybe,
I don't know, I could,
I don't know, I could
help you study, help...
Ashley, we got a call.
Yeah, okay.
I'm sorry.
I got to go.
We'll talk later?
(Cho Cho)
Are you kidding me?
That was your best shot?
You didn't even
get her phone number.
So, uh, what,
we going home?
Nope, we're going
to the races.
Oh, that's great.
Dog asks you to get
on the case and nothing.
But some tootsie bats her
eyelashes and zippedy-doo-dah,
you're Dirty Harry.
Zip it, Fido.
(Cho Cho)
You know, females put out a
signal when they're interested.
I could smell some major
flirtage going on there.
Oh, so now you're
an expert on romance, huh?
This from a species
who says, "Hello,"
by sniffing each other's butts.
Oh, sorry, ladies.
[trumpet fanfare]
[male announcer describing race
over microphone]
And now, a fast move
by Southern Beauty.
Southern Beauty on the outside.
If I was a betting man,
I'd say Southern Beauty
by eight lengths.
You've been right
all day long, Daddy.
Southern Beauty...
You did it again.
That little puppy's
got some... a fire in her.
[bell rings]
Southern Beauty won again.
That's four in a row, Dad.
What a surprise, Eddie.
Yes, a surprise, Eddie.
There's a detective in
the kennel... about Chin Li.
Well, bring him up, son.
[bell rings]
What's wrong with her?
And they're off.
[bell rings]
(Cho Cho)
These muscle-heads
are an embarrassment
to our race.
Well, aren't you
being a little catty?
Pardon the expression.
These dogs are athletes.
Chasing an idiotic,
mechanical rabbit?
They're nothing
but puppets of the man.
Aw, don't be jealous.
I'm sure you could keep up
if you dropped a few pounds.
Mr. Flower?
I'm Detective Fowler.
Are you looking
for Mr. Cage?
I'm Mr. Cage.
You're Mr. Cage?
I'm Edward Cage,
managing director
here at the Cage Kennel Club.
If you're looking for my father,
he's upstairs
watching the races.
Your dog will have
to stay here, of course.
You stay here, Cho Cho,
and be a good doggy.
And if you do, you get
a little doggy treat.
Good boy.
Hey, I got
a doggy treat for you.
Good afternoon, son.
I'm Hamilton Cage,
and you are?
Detective Fowler.
It's an honor
to meet you, Mr. Cage.
Rule #1: Unless you're
a lawyer or a process server,
you call me Hamilton.
Edward you met.
My son, my dear
son and heir.
Want a drink?
Oh, no, I'm on duty, thanks.
Get him a drink.
And this is my little princess.
My daughter Margret.
President of Research
and Development
for my largest division,
And I suppose I should tell you
a little tiny something
about myself.
Son, I was a...
Orphaned as a baby.
That's right.
Educated in the Far East...
A PhD in chemistry
by the age of 20.
You started Biotech
which you built
into a world leader.
Five years ago, you started
Cage Sports Enterprises
which includes a pro football
team, CSE Sports Channel,
and the Cage Kennel Club.
Glory Hallelujah, I do so love
a man who does his homework.
You must be one heck
of a detective, son.
Aw, shucks.
No, just more of
an internet geek.
Internet geek.
That's a good one.
Hey, what's with you?
Calm down.
[Mary Beth, seductively]
Hey, over here, big boy.
Well, howdy.
Hey, that Southern Beauty's
a wild one, isn't she?
She didn't use to be.
But you look like
a dog who appreciates
a woman with a little spunk.
Oh, I do.
Uh, tell me, uh...
Mary Beth.
Mary Beth.
I'd like to know everything
I can about this track.
My mama told me
to be careful around dogs
who ask too many questions.
You always listen
to your mama?
Practically never.
Is there some problem,
No, no, it's just,
um, you seem like
you're in remarkable shape
for man of your...
I know you're
trying to be diplomatic.
But as you can see, good health
is not just a business with me.
It's a passion.
That and the track.
Oh, different kind of passion.
And most of the credit
for the track must go
to my dear son Edward,
my son and heir.
Well, so, if Edward
was in charge of the track,
he must have been the last one
to see Chin Li alive, right?
What about that, Edward?
Chin Li was working the morning
shift feeding the dogs,
but he was gone by noon.
Chin Li was so much more
than my friend.
He taught me about trust,
loyalty, generosity,
action, focus.
Everything I am today
I owe directly to him.
Sorry for your loss.
Cho Cho.
Has anyone
thought about Cho Cho?
Chin Li had a dog that
was very important to him.
Do you know where he is?
It's funny you should ask.
Cho Cho!
I got to go.
Can we continue this
another time?
Cho Cho!
I've got a flea bath
booked at six.
(Cho Cho)
Well, then,
I'll see you later.
Oh, yes.
This mongrel
was just a pup
last time I saw it.
We were closest to him
in all the world, you and I.
I know you miss him every much.
Very decent of you to take
Cho Cho in, Detective.
It was before I found out
he never stops talking.
Never stops barking.
Cho Cho, sit.
My entire organization
is at your disposal.
I want Chi Li's attackers
brought to justice.
I'll do my best.
Oh, do better than that.
Get it done.
Margret will show you out.
We're counting on you.
[scanning tone]
[scanning tone]
I did a little leg work,
Sweet little greyhound
back there said they introduced
a new feed to Southern Beauty
and some of the other dogs.
What are you doing?
The magnetic strip on the
ID cards carry a unique code
for each employee,
so I'm using COLAR to access
the Cage Kennel Club
Employee Database.
Well, Chin Li did leave
the kennel area gate by noon,
but there's an entry and exit
coming from the Biotech
building at 8:55 p.m.
(Cho Cho)
Oh, no.
Feline fury coming on.
I hate cats.
Lazy, worthless layabouts,
the whole lot of them.
Look at that.
You know, cats
are behind the plagues
of the Middle Ages;
you know that, don't you?
Are you insane?
And I got my suspicions
about World War II.
And... and... and you... you think
Oswald acted alone, huh?
Well, I'm sorry.
I just got some issues with
the C-word I guess, that's all.
I'm sorry.
Look at that.
It's Chin Li's killer.
How do you know that's him?
(Cho Cho)
Don't you see
the bandages on his left wrist?
That's where I bit him.
Give me those keys.
I got you
running in circles.
(Cho Cho)
He's getting away.
Officer in pursuit!
You're not an officer, I am.
(Cho Cho)
Doesn't this come
with power steering?
Are you crazy?
You can't drive!
(Cho Cho)
Oh, yeah?
What do you call this... surfing?
Stop the car!
(Cho Cho)
Code 12.
Red team, go.
Red team, go.
Cho Cho!
[rock and roll music]
[loud crash]
(Cho Cho)
Who put that sign there?
Stay on the road.
But you didn't count on
this top dog coming around.
Hit the brakes;
hit the brakes!
I am hitting the brake.
It won't stop.
The accelerator's stuck.
Bail out, bail out!
Man overboard.
Oh, God!
[loud crash]
[thunderous splash]
[car sputtering]
[Peter crying]
I loved that car.
This is not good.
Oh, a little bodywork,
a paint job,
it'll be like new.
I heard.
How you doing?
I'm doing good.
It's a good day so far.
You know,
minus the teeny,
tiny annoyance of no car,
suspension, no future.
It's a good day.
Good times.
Even when you're upset,
you're still funny.
I don't feel very funny.
Well, you make me laugh.
That must count for something.
[man over radio]
Units 5-10 and 6-14,
please respond...
Hey, what?
Ask her.
[Peter whispering]
Ask her what?
(Cho Cho)
Never mind, I'll do it.
Say, uh, why don't
you meet me for dinner
at the Amazon Cafe at 8:00?
Amazon Cafe?
It's a date.
[siren wailing]
Why did you do that?
Jeez, I don't know what
other signals she can give you
but jumping in your lap.
Besides, I got a good plan.
You'll do fine.
I won't do fine.
You said it yourself:
I'm not a people guy.
This date's going
to go five minutes,
then I'll say something stupid,
and she's going to walk out.
Don't worry about it, partner.
I got a plan for that too.
[stringed instrumental music]
You wanted to see me?
I want you to stop
what you're doing.
Thought I was helping.
The goal of this company
is not to fix
greyhound races,
but to realize the
potential for greatness
that lies
within us all.
Have I made myself clear?
There's a meeting
tomorrow in the new wing
with Margret
and the science team.
I expect you
to be there as well.
[imitating Hamilton obnoxiously]
I expect you to be there
as well.
It's all about
the power within.
Don't race the dogs too much.
Don't drug them,
whatever you do.
Don't make any money.
[elegant music]
[Cho Cho over radio]
Okay, just relax.
Just listen to me;
repeat what I say.
I know everything
there is to know about girls.
Enjoy your meal.
You okay?
Your neck?
Oh, yeah,
my neck's a little sore.
I'm fine.
Oh, good.
You look really...
The smell of your skin
takes my breath away.
[laughs awkwardly]
This doesn't sound
like you, Peter.
I mean, don't get me wrong,
it's nice and all.
But why the change?
What a good question.
What a good question.
[Cho Cho over radio]
Nothing like a good question.
What am I, Plato?
Uh, let's see now.
Maybe you can try,
"Life is full of change.
Uh, but in this case,
I must admit..."
Oh, I'd love to lick your face
and sniff your tail.
No, you can't use that.
You can't use that.
Let's see,
"In this case, I must admit..."
In this case, I must admit...
And this may sound bold...
This may sound bold...
You made me change.
You made me change.
My heart feels
so close to yours.
I just want to howl at the moon.
[laughs awkwardly]
I'm not sure if this new you
is seducing me or scaring me.
Well, I'm a man
of more secrets...
Than you could possibly imagine.
Name one.
Name one?
Secret... what, you want to know
what my big secret is?
Well, I'll tell you.
God, I hate cats.
God, I hate cats.
What's wrong with cats?
Cats are lazy,
unmotivated slobs,
black holes of selfishness
sucking dry the kind hearts
of their masters.
They're useless.
Did you ever hear
of a seeing eye cat?
Or a watch cat?
Oh, yeah.
Had a little cat rage there.
I... it... j-j-just... just
just overtakes me.
Let me try to get it together.
Uh, um, uh, try this:
Let's not talk about me.
Let's talk
about Ashley Wilkenson,
her hopes, her dreams...
Her fantasies.
I want to tell you
what's on my mind
and in my heart.
I'm listening, Detective.
Since the first moment
I saw you,
there's something
I've wanted to say to you.
And I feel if
I don't say it now,
that opportunity
could pass me by.
That's good.
What is that?
[Cho Cho howling]
Look at the chassis
on that lassie.
What do you want to say?
Woof, woof, woof, woof woof.
[Cho Cho howling]
Come on...
[Cho Cho howling]
What is an incredible dog
like you doing
in a joint like this?
No... what?
Ashley, I...
Excuse me?
I don't... I didn't mean...
I didn't mean that at all.
I mean, you're incredible,
but you're not a dog.
[laughs awkwardly]
Thanks a lot,
Cyrano de Bonehead.
[lightning crackling]
Good night, miss.
Ashley, no, wait!
Now what am I supposed to do?
How do I know?
I'm just a dog.
If it was me,
I'd chase the car.
Ashley, wait!
Okay, no more games.
I'm just going to
bark this out, okay?
I love how strong you are.
I love how sexy
you look in uniform.
I love the way you just
say what's in your heart.
And if only I could
just find the strength
to say what's in mine.
Well, I don't know
who was feeding you
those corny lines earlier,
but I like your own words
much better.
Yeah, me too.
Let's go talk.
Want to?
You know,
I'm not your typical guy.
I'm not into sports,
going to bars, you know.
I don't really
get out much either.
(Cho Cho)
You know,
I'm not your typical dog.
I'm not into chasing cars
or playing fetch.
I'm actually...
not the party type.
I never go to parties.
Never have parties.
(Cho Cho)
Ooh, this smells...
Oh, excuse me.
Ladies first.
I don't do hydrants.
You want to come
back to my place?
You know,
maybe later?
I'm sorry.
It's okay, babe.
Love hurts.
[romantic jazz music]
This is a nice neighborhood.
Oh, yeah.
It's, uh, it's an old boatyard.
Got it for cheap,
fixed it up, you know?
You'll see.
[music blaring]
Is there a party?
[loud squeaking]
No, um, I just left my TV on.
[horn honking]
[loud rumbling]
I... I got to go.
So there was a party.
No, no, it's my cousins.
They're in town.
Yeah, okay.
Ashley, wait.
[piano music]
[glass shattering]
[lively music]
(male dog)
Come on, keep up.
[dogs talking simultaneously]
[lively piano music]
Hey, I just saw
Mrs. Rottweiler.
She said the puppies
have been up crying all night.
You dog!
Coming through.
[Latin dance music]
Ay caramba.
I'm so high.
Hey, Bernie.
Hey, we playing poker or what?
Oh, I should have
seen that one coming.
All right, enough!
That's it!
I want all you four-legged,
flea-scratching mongrels
out of my house now.
You... out.
[dogs complaining
[music cuts out]
Out of here!
[barking and talking]
You, beat it.
Man, this ain't cool.
Don't you give me that look.
Ooh, yeah.
(male dog)
I'm gonna poo on his lawn.
(Cho Cho)
You thought this was a party?
No, it was
a conference on world peace.
Fowler, I was undercover.
I was questioning
the dogs on the street
about what goes on
at the Cage Kennel Club.
Not mine.
As a matter of fact,
the Dane's cousin
dated one of the slower
greyhounds there.
Okay, right now
isn't a good time
to talk about dogs
and their love life.
It's not important.
But this is.
After a few months
on that new dog food,
that slower greyhound
turned out
to be Southern Beauty,
winner of her
last five starts.
And guess what.
Edward Cage always supervised
feeding time.
Yes, Peter?
The last six greyhounds
to win at over 20 to 1,
how many of them are owned
by Cage Sports Enterprises?
Searching that data
for you now.
Four of them, sweetie buns,
including Iron Thunder
and Southern Beauty.
(Cho Cho)
Sweetie buns?
This ain't
no ordinary dog food.
What if it's illegal
or, worse,
dangerous to the dogs?
Well, if Edward
is feeding the dogs
some type of
chemical energy formula
and then betting on them,
well, that's enough
for an indictment
on felony racketeering,
and could possibly tie him
to the attack on Chin Li.
So we need
what Chin Li was after,
proof of the formula.
And the last place Chin Li was
before the attack was Biotech.
The formula has to be
in their mainframe computer.
[electronic beeping]
[Cho Cho barks]
Not you.
I know you're not Bingo.
Access denied.
(Cho Cho)
Access denied?
Okay, we've got
to break in there,
but we've got to be
really smart about it.
[engine sputtering]
(Cho Cho)
All right, Fowler.
Be honest now: what do
you think of my disguise?
Hey, give me that.
Ew, doggy drool.
[mischievous music]
[Cho Cho, muffled]
What is this, bumper cars?
Why don't you try
going around the walls
instead of through them?
Should be a door marked
"Fire Control" around here.
There it is.
(Cho Cho)
You should be in here,
and I should be driving.
Did you hear me?
Shut up.
We're undercover.
[Cho Cho, mockingly]
Shut up, we're undercover.
I am, anyway.
Easy, easy.
I'm slipping; come up.
If I want to be neutered,
I'll go to a vet.
Get in there.
Come on.
Hey, watch your hands, Romeo.
Look out.
Oh, God.
I bet Lassie didn't have
to go through this.
Get in.
Come on,
push, push.
This harness is going
to ruin my love life.
[adventure movie music]
I'll tell you something:
Tom Cruise had this
figured out better.
And I'm not getting
$20 million, either.
Good job, boy.
(Cho Cho)
All right, this is the place.
What's happening?
Whoa, big... b-b-big drop.
[Cho Cho over headphones]
Big drop.
Hang on to that rope.
Oh, easy.
Wait a minute.
I got to go back up
and get my stomach.
T-t-take it easy now.
(Cho Cho)
Take it slow.
Rope, don't fail me now.
Hold it; hold it.
Not too close...
Don't let me hit the floor,
I'll set off the alarm.
[Peter grunting]
Hold... hold... stop.
[Peter grunting]
(Cho Cho)
All right,
now swing me back and forth.
[Peter grunting]
Fowler, I'm just hanging here.
You're late.
Everybody's already here.
We have to stop
the animal testing.
Stage four isn't complete.
Well, why do you think?
You've seen the way
he's been acting.
She's so changed.
Uh, yeah.
There's no telling
what he'll do next.
He's out of control.
Almost there.
Back and forth,
not in circles.
Man, I'm gonna hurl.
Straighten me out.
Fowler, turn me around.
I can't put the disk
in with my butt.
It's not my fault.
Okay, okay, that's better.
That's better.
Easy, easy.
Here we go.
[male electronic voice]
Download in progress.
(Cho Cho)
All right.
Three more minutes to download,
and we're out of here.
[electronic voice]
Downloading complete
in 2 minutes, 48 seconds.
Wait, somebody's coming.
Get me up, up, up, up.
Up! Up!
(Cho Cho)
Now it looks quite wonderful.
A lab?
Why wasn't I told about this?
When did you have this done?
As soon as I realized
the awesome power of Lot 99.
But I had to shroud it
in deepest secrecy...
Yes, even from
my beloved children.
Today I brought you all here
to inform you
that stage five testing
is now complete.
Stage five?
Human testing.
We haven't started that yet.
Yes, we have.
I'm proud to announce
that I, myself,
have been taking Lot 99
for the past, uh, six months.
Ladies and gentleman,
six months ago...
[group muttering in awe]
A 76-year-old man.
Or hadn't you noticed
the change?
Did you think this happened
because I did a few
extra sit-ups every day?
[group laughs]
Oh, no.
That's unbelievable.
Strength, vitality,
eternal youth.
Adults will never know sickness.
Children will never be orphaned.
We're close, people.
Very close.
My vital signs
are equally impressive.
[Cho Cho gasps]
It's him.
Wolfgang, the guy I bit.
What's happening?
Keep up the good work.
Yes, sir.
[everyone talking
Aw, come on, Cho Cho.
You should be excited.
We did it.
Got the evidence
to put them away right here.
Cage and I were both
students of Chin Li's.
He was like a father to us.
He let you down.
He let everybody down.
He betrayed the animals,
and worst of all,
he betrayed Chin Li.
Maybe not.
You know, maybe he
was just trying
to improve the herbs
like he said, for mankind.
By doping the dogs so he could
make millions rigging races?
That could've been Edward.
It's not Edward.
He's not smart enough.
Besides, Cage's goon had
a bandage on his left wrist
exactly where
I bit Chin Li's killer.
We both know Wolfgang
is Cage's muscle guy.
One way or another,
Cage is letting it happen.
Easy, girl.
And in Gate 4, Distant Thunder,
winner of her last three starts.
In Gate 5, Misery Loves Company.
She's been off her feed
in recent weeks,
but still a viable threat.
In Gate 6, Do-Si-Do.
"Dominance" is her middle name.
Dad, it's important.
How important can it be, son?
Someone broke
into the mainframe and...
Speak into the microphone.
Somebody broke into the
mainframe and downloaded Lot 99.
Oh. Oh.
We found dog hairs
on the computer.
Cho Cho and Fowler.
[laughs crazily]
In Gate 7,
the legendary Land's End.
And finally,
in Gate 8, a newcomer
and certainly the underdog...
Hold it.
[bell rings]
Come on, puppies.
Keep up.
[laughing maniacally]
Boys, you ain't
gonna believe this one.
I got it this time.
I got it.
I cracked the case.
Okay, Cage Sports Enterprises
have been giving the greyhounds
at Cage Kennel Club this
type of performance enhancer,
making millions of dollars
on long-shot bets.
Can you prove it?
Yes, look.
Right here.
This is the formula
for what they call Lot 99.
What it does is, it enhances
natural herbs to camouflage
the added chemicals
so they don't show up
during tests.
Now we think that Chin Li
discovered it;
tried to take a sample
to the police.
That's why they killed him.
[Hamilton's voice]
Hi, hello, hi, hi.
Thief or thieves of Lot 99, you
have made a mistake big-time.
[Hamilton's voice]
Not only will
this computer blow,
What the hell's this?
[Hamilton's voice]
So I have to go.
You have exactly,
uh, uh, uh, four seconds.
[Hamilton's voice]
Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye.
Ahh! Fowler, what is...
You cracked the case, Fowler,
And all our computers with it.
I could have you
transferred to another planet.
Yeah, good idea.
This is definitely not good.
[somber music]
It's cold outside.
You guys a little down?
Yeah, well,
we have reason to be.
So you're just going to give up?
Look, it's over, okay?
Not only did my evidence
go up in smoke,
but there's not a cop
on the force who believes me.
I believe you.
You do?
The only way
we can prove this case
is if we finish
what Chin Li started.
We've got to get
a sample of Lot 99.
Yeah, we.
Are you sure about this?
I mean, let's face it:
my career has gone to the dogs.
No offense.
But, Ashley, we screw this up,
you could say good-bye to any
chance of becoming detective.
My dad was a detective,
his dad was a detective.
I've been so obsessed
about making detective
that I've forgotten why I became
a cop in the first place.
Which is?
To stop bad guys
from hurting people...
and animals.
Watch out for this Wolfgang...
Cage's bodyguard.
He has a bandage
on his left arm
where Cho Cho
might have bit him.
That could tie him
to Chin Li's death.
Okay, I'm going
to the vent lab.
Ashley, you watch out
for security.
Cho Cho, you know
what to do.
Cho Cho knows what to do.
Cho Cho...?
[suspenseful music]
Do, do, do,
do, doo doo.
Brrrrm, do, doo doo.
[sighs relievedly]
[laughs maniacally]
Hoo ha!
Do, do, doo doo, do...
[mischievous music]
[dogs whimpering]
Hey, Grandma,
what are you doing out here?
[clears throat]
Listen, my name's Cho Cho,
and I'm a cop.
I need to get a sample
of the stuff they've
been putting in the food
of the younger dogs.
Don't touch that stuff.
It's poison.
It's like magic at first.
It makes you faster, stronger.
Then it begins
to take over your mind.
It makes you crazy.
You get angry and mean.
And then you start
to get weaker and weaker.
You know how old I am?
No, even a mutt like me
knows enough
not to ask questions like that.
I'm two years old.
That's no grandma.
That's Southern Beauty.
(Cho Cho)
Southern Beauty?
Oh, no.
Ashley, come in,
where are you?
I got it.
I got the Lot 99.
Ashley, come in.
Where are you?
I got it.
Wait here, okay?
I got to go find Cho Cho.
[ominous music]
[muffled scream]
[phone rings]
Excuse me.
I have a... a call.
Cho Cho, where are you?
(Cho Cho)
Over here.
Cho Cho.
I got a sample
of Lot 99.
Let's get out of here.
Better handle it
with care.
What are you
talking about?
Southern Beauty
just died from it.
[sirens wailing]
Hold it.
Don't shoot!
It's just us.
Oh, no.
Well, me and my dog.
What's he doing here?
What are you
doing here?
We got a call.
Armed intruder
on the premises.
Who made the call?
I did.
this is the second time
that your detective has,
uh, broken in.
I don't know whether
he's working for a competitor
or just obsessive.
Either way, he's dangerous.
That... that's a lie.
It's Lot 99 that's dangerous.
That stuff will
kill you, Cage.
Just like it killed
Southern Beauty.
I'm sure your superiors
would love to hear
about the rogue officers
in your command.
As a matter of fact,
I'm playing golf
with Chief Clark tomorrow.
No, don't listen to him.
He's under
the influence of Lot 99.
Now, you listen
to me, Fowler.
Unless you want
to be cuffed and gagged,
I'd keep quiet.
Now, Mr. Cage, what can
we do to make this right?
And avoid
a costly lawsuit?
Something dramatic, I hope.
Fowler, your gun
and your badge.
My mom has my gun.
[siren wailing]
You're pathetic.
What's that?
Grab him by the paws.
I can't get ahold of him.
Grab his ears, then.
What are they doing?
No, let him go.
Hey, what are you doing?
He didn't do anything.
Get off me.
Who's in charge here?
Pull him down.
Cho Cho.
Watch those fangs.
[Cho Cho growling]
Cho Cho!
Cho Cho.
Let him go!
Cho Cho!
There's still no word
from Officer Wilkenson?
Okay, please keep calling her,
and let me know
the minute you find her.
Thank you.
[woman on TV]
And in business news...
Volume up.
In about an hour, CEO
Hamilton Cage will be announcing
the launch of Energy L99, a safe
and natural energy supplement.
Cage plans to have the
herbal blend added to everything
from potato chips
to children's breakfast cereals.
No, no, you maniac, you
can't give that stuff to kids.
Oh, my God.
Take a deep breath, Peter.
Okay, focus.
Ashley, Ashley...
Where's Ashley?
One thing at a time.
Oh, I got to get
some help here.
Forget the facts, Peter.
Go with your gut.
Sometimes you have to search
all over the yard
before you find out
where one bone is buried.
There you go.
Now you're on to something.
COLAR, you still have
the floor plan data that
was downloaded when we breached
the Cage Biotech mainframe?
Oh, you want to hack
into the security cameras
at Cage Biotech.
Looks like I programmed
some dog sense into you.
Show time.
Curtain up.
Keep scanning.
I'm scanning.
Cage's office.
Okay... move on.
We're moving on.
fire control hallway...
You're in it.
Move on.
Movin' on.
Keep scanning.
We're still scanning.
Fire control room.
Oh, God.
Peter, do you want me
to call the cops?
We just did.
Ashley, don't worry.
Don't worry,
I'm coming for you.
Let me think.
Search the address
of the Animal Control Center,
and download it immediately
into my palm computer.
You got it, boss.
(Cho Cho)
We done as good
as we could do.
So what if I bit a mailman
but misunderstood you.
Ooh, baby.
Why knock yourself out?
[blues scatting]
I got the blues,
blues, blues, blues.
Is it over?
Hopefully we've heard the
last of that dog-rap garbage.
Kitty, how about
a permanent cat nap?
Here's a recipe for you:
hush, puppy.
[door creaks open]
Dead dog walkin'.
[dogs whimpering]
Remember me, mutt?
Made me look like a fool
in front of them cops.
Payback time.
Dead dog walking.
What a dork.
That's my dog,
and I want him back.
Oh, yeah?
And why would I do that?
Well, I'll tell you why.
Hannibal, meet the dogcatcher.
This is Hannibal.
He doesn't like dogcatchers.
Every dog has his day, you know?
[siren wailing]
All right,
now I'm going after Ashley.
You and boys try to break up
the press conference.
Get a 911 call in if you can.
(Cho Cho)
Yeah, I got a bone to pick
with Mr. Cage.
[siren wailing]
Nice doggy.
Nice doggy.
Doggy want a bone?
You're a scientist,
not a criminal.
You don't want
any part of this.
This stuff
will kill your father.
But you can still save him...
and yourself.
Think about it.
Let her go.
[suspenseful music]
[loud crash]
That's a burn.
It's not him.
[crowd murmuring]
[Edward over microphone]
Ladies and gentleman,
may I have your attention.
I am Edward Cage.
I appreciate your patience.
My father is currently...
tied up
by unexpected developments.
I am sorry for the delay.
He should arrive any moment.
Hope so.
[crowd gasps]
Ladies and gentleman,
Hamilton Cage.
[reluctant applause]
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Please be brief.
Today is a day
where we celebrate
the triumph of a human life.
When you add all-natural L99
to your, uh, uh, products,
they will transform themselves
into the sustenance of...
life itself.
For L99 is...
pure power.
Pure, uh, uh...
Pure, uh...
uh... power.
Pure, uh, uh...
Ladies and gentleman,
I give you the future.
I give you
(Cho Cho)
I don't know,
but I've been told...
I don't know,
but I've been told...
(Cho Cho)
Kennel food is mighty cold.
Kennel food is mighty cold.
[siren blaring]
(Cho Cho)
Sound off.
[militaristic music]
Wait, what's going on?
[crowd panicking]
[barking and shouting]
You're going
down, buddy.
Okay, Dad, we got to go.
Come on, follow me.
Come on, look at me.
Come on.
Say uncle.
Say uncle.
Come on, Dad, we got to go.
That's a good boy.
Right around the corner.
[barking and shouting]
(male dog)
Behind you!
Where... where are we?
Whoo, hello.
(Cho Cho)
Watch it, buddy.
She's underage.
I'll be 18 next month.
Hey, cowboy.
You talkin' to me?
Nice job out there.
You looking for Hamilton Cage?
Well, he went thataway.
Which was is thataway?
The elevator, Dick Tracy.
(Cho Cho)
You're okay...
for a cat.
Hey, take care of yourself.
And come back
and see me sometime.
Son, this is the roof.
I've radioed the helicopter.
They'll be here any minute.
Are you out of your mind?
Retreat in our
moment of triumph?
You're out of your mind.
I'm out of my mind?
Didn't I say you
were out of your mind?
I'm not out of my mind.
You're out of your...
Cage, you don't know
what you're doing.
You're hurting everybody.
Turn yourself in.
You're sick, Cage.
You have to be stopped,
and I don't want
to have to hurt you.
Well, that's certainly
going to make this fight
a whole lot easier for me.
[suspenseful techno music]
Chin Li's two best students...
So you want to play games?
[ranting in Chinese]
Not to be
uh, outdone...
Ooh, doggy.
Ooh, doggy.
Come on.
You're some package, puppy.
Very clever.
(Cho Cho)
Well, I'd give you
about a six...
out of ten.
That's for all the times
you made a dog go fetch.
Fetch this.
(Cho Cho)
Let's get, uh, serious,
shall we?
(Cho Cho)
Oh, no.
That scar.
It was you I bit.
It was you.
Don't be so surprised.
Chin Li was like
a father to you.
Well, he wasn't my father.
My father died
and left me alone.
And then I searched
for that fountain of youth,
so that no child
would ever orphaned again.
Chin Li tried to spoil that.
Come on, fight like a man.
Look at what you've
become, Cage... a monster.
A monster?
If only you could feel it...
the power of Lot 99
coursing through your veins
like liquid gold.
Want a piece of me, dog?
I want justice.
Well, come and get it.
[suspenseful music]
I'm top of the world, Daddy.
[laughs hysterically]
Please, for Chin Li,
Ha ha!
Missed again.
Try again.
Keep trying.
Good try.
Missed again.
[imitating Hannibal Lecter]
Hello, Clarice.
[suspenseful music]
Okay, my ultimate weapon:
super lick.
Okay, here we go.
Left, right.
Left, left, right, right,
right, right, right,
left, right.
And finally,
this one's for Chin Li.
I'ma coming, Daddy.
You think I'm finished?
You're right.
Cho Cho.
Good job, Cho Cho.
That was incredible.
Thank you.
Had to be done.
Hamilton Cage, there's something
I've wanted to say to you
for a while.
You're under arrest
for kidnapping, racketeering,
cruelty to animals,
and conspiracy for
the murder or Chin Li.
You hurt my daddy.
Oh, no.
Cho Cho.
He's been shot.
Ashley, get an ambulance.
Don't get all emotional.
It's embarrassing.
Next thing I know,
you'll be licking me.
Hang in there, partner.
I like that.
It gives me great pleasure
to introduce the recipient
of the San Francisco Police
Department's Medal of Valor,
Detective Peter Fowler.
Thank you, sir.
You know, I used to wonder
what bravery really was.
It was something that you'd
learn, something you'd develop.
But what I discovered is that
bravery exists within us all:
man or woman,
human or animal.
You just have to find it.
Sometimes you need help
to do that.
So I'd like
to dedicate this medal
to someone who saved my life,
someone who taught me
what I really needed to learn,
someone who I wish
could've been here today,
someone who was there
when I really needed him,
Cho... Cho Cho.
Ladies and gentleman,
the dude who really
deserves this medal,
Cho Cho.
Now you remember
what you promised.
What did I promise?
[Cho Cho,
imitating the Big Bopper]
Hello, baby.
Yeah, this is
the Big Bopper speaking.
Oh, you sweet thing.
Do I what?
Will I what?
Oh, baby,
you know what I like.
Chantilly Lace
had a pretty face
and a ponytail
hanging down.
I couldn't tell you.
I promised him.
Lord, made the world
go round, round, round.
Ain't nothing in the world
like a big-eyed girl
to make me act so funny,
make me spend my money,
make me feel real loose
like a long-necked goose,
like a...
Oh, baby,
it's-a what I like.
What's that, baby?
[violin music]
Oh, honey.
Hey, Fowler.
Yeah, Fowler!
(Cho Cho)
Oh, baby, you know
what I like.
Chantilly Lace
had a pretty face
and a ponytail hanging down.
A wiggle in her walk
and a giggle in her talk,
Lord, made the world
go round.
Ain't nothing in the world
like a big-eyed girl
to make me act so funny,
make me spend my money.
Make me feel real loose
like a long-neck goose,
like a...
Oh, baby,
that's-a what I like.
[cheers and applause]
Cho Cho has left the building.
(Randy Travis)
Hey, my name is Cho Cho.
Go ahead and laugh.
Just be careful what you
throw my way
'cause I can dish it
right back.
The way I see it, if variety
is the spice of life,
I'm a vintage wine.
And on top of that,
I'm man's best friend,
but don't you ever
cross that line.
I'll take you
for who you are
if you'll take me
for what I am.
I can be meaner
than a junkyard dog
or gentle
as a newborn lamb.
I been trained
in the school of hard knocks.
I can push, pull, run
And on my hind legs,
I'll do more than just beg.
I'm a bona fide,
borderline cop.
I'm the one
who seeks the truth.
I have from the start.
I learned it ain't
so much your mind.
You got to follow
your heart.
The way I figure it,
I can't dwell
on yesterday,
'cause I can't change
the past.
I got to look ahead
and not behind.
For me,
life goes by fast.
I'll take you
for who you are
if you'll take me
for what I am.
I can be meaner
than a junkyard dog
or gentle
as a newborn lamb.
I been trained
in the school of hard knocks.
I can push, pull, run
And on my hind legs,
I'll do more than just beg.
I'm a bona fide,
borderline cop.
It don't matter
what others may say.
We can make this work.
But don't mind me
if the mood should strike.
This dog's known
to dig a little dirt.
I'll take you
for who you are
if you'll take me
for what I am.
'Cause I can be meaner
than a junkyard dog
or gentle
as a newborn lamb.
I been trained
in the school of hard knocks.
I can push, pull, run
And on my hind legs,
I'll do more than just beg.
I'm a bona fide,
borderline cop.
On my hind legs,
I'll do more than just beg.
I'm a bona fide,
borderline cop.