The Ladies Man (2000) Movie Script
1
[ Man Over Radio]
Along the Kennedy Expressway,
a truck overturned
in the slow lane.
Along the Stevenson Expressway,
the traffic moving along nicely.
Another Shadow traffic update
with TJ. Burks in ten minutes.
You are listening to WRIX,
Chicago's number one news
and financial net work.
Now, back to Money Matters.
I'm your host, Gil Stewart,.
and we're almost out of time
here on Money Matters,
but here's a quick wrap-up
of the day's biggest stories.
The Dow closing out today
at minus 55,
while the NASDAQ
was up seven points.
The S&P is down four.
Gold takes a big hit on the floor
as the International Monetary Fund...
unloads 10%
of its gold holdings,
causing ripples
throughout the banking industry,
continuing the trend of
unloading the bulk of its holdings...
in favor of
better-performing securities.
You've been listening
to Money Matters.
I'm Gil Stewart,
looking after your money.
- It's now 2:00 a.m. and time for--
' i. [SOUI]
What's happening?
And welcome to The Lad/es Man,
the love line with all the right
responses to your romantic queries.
My name is Leon Phelps, and to those
of you that are uninitiated,
I am an expert
in the ways of love.
Um, I have made love
to many fine ladies,
from the lowliest
bus station skank...
to the classiest,
most sophisticated,
educated, debutante,
high society bus station skank.
But listen. I am doing good,
if you were askin'.
I got my Courvoisier cognac
right here,
and I'm ready
to take your calls.
While I am not a psychiatrist
or a psychologist or whatever,
I have done it
to a lot of ladies,
and that makes me
somewhat like an expert.
I have a Ph.D. in tang,
as it were.
So, if you have a romantic query
and you are under the age of 50...
and you're not freaky or disgustin',
please give us a call.
My lovely producer,
Julie Simmons,
she is over there and she is
awaiting with bated breath...
to hear what
you got to say.
Okay, you're gonna have
to hold anyway, sir. Yeah.
Susan from Oak Park.
you have a question for Leon?
Oh, he left his clothes
at your house.
[Leon] The phone is lighting up,
so let's take a call.
Hey, what's happening? This is
Leon Phelps. You got The Ladies Man.
- [Woman] Hello, Ladies Man.
- Oh, it's a lady.
[Woman] I'm new to this city.
and I don't know too many people.
And I am painfully shy.
Yeah, you sound painfully shy.
Listen, this is what you should do.
Go to the bus station
or to a bowling alley...
and hang out
with no underpants.
- Trust me. It works.
- What?
You'd be surprised at how many men
will approach you. I know that I would.
Next caller, go ahead.
You got The Ladies Man.
[ Woman Over Telephone] Ladies Man.
I've been feeling really confused.
Yeah, that sounds good.
No, it's not good.
I'm in a relationship, but
I don't know if he is for real.
How do you know when
you're really, truly in love?
Don't worry.
When you're really, truly in love,
you will feel it
deep down in your pants.
Unless, of course,
you're not wearing any pants,
which is not uncommon
in my case.
What are you talking about?
I asked you about finding true love.
Yeah, that's right. You did. Listen,
I hope whatever I said was helpful.
Next caller.
You got The Ladies Man.
Next caller.
You got The Ladies Man.
Ma'am, I'm gonna have to put
you on hold, okay? Lad/es Man.
Listen, I don't care what you say.
Chlamydia is a soup.
It's my opinion.
I can have that if I'd like.
You don't have to argue. I've seen it
on the grocery store shelves.
Yes, I know that clam chowder
is not a venereal disease.
Don't argue with me about it.
I don't care if you are a doctor.
No, we promise there
won't be any more vulgar material.
You gotta get a thumb
and just stick it up in there.
Actually, get two thumbs up
in there, you know, like the Fonz.
Like this- Hey."
[ Chuckles]
There may be weird smells afterwards,
but don't worry. just take a shower.
Hey, go ahead, caller.
You got The Ladies Man.
[Man Narrating] No one knows
where Leon came from exactly,
but he started out life on
the steps of a majestic mansion.
The master of the house
was a great man...
who surrounded himself
with the world's most beautiful objects.
He had everything he wanted,
except a son.
Young Leon was taken
into this world...
and raised as one of their own.
And in that warm
family environment,.
Leon developed into quite
a stylish young man.
He learned everything a bright kid
would wanna know about--
stereo systems
and, of course, love.
In this magical kingdom,
the king shared everything
with him.
Only one thing was off-limits.
But Leon being Leon,
the day arrived when the benevolent
proprietor and Leon parted ways.
Poor little Leon
was thrown out into the cold,
much like Moses
in the days of old.
After that it Wash "t easy
for the little man, but he got along.
He always did.
Not because he was smart
and not because he was rich,
but because...
the ladies loved Leon Phelps.
- How did he do it?
- [ Bar Patrons In Unison] Hey, Leon.
Well, I guess you'd better
ask the man yourself.
Lester, how come you tell that story
every time we walk into this bar?
I don't know. Maybe there's somebody
out there who don't know you.
Yeah, right. It's the same five
or six people in this place.
- How'd your show go tonight?
- Oh, yeah, good question.
Um, same old, same old.
Leon Phelps is a genius.
Yeah, same old angry calls
from our listeners...
and same old threats
from the boss.
[Leon] But listen,
for every hundred angry calls we get,
there is somebody
that I helped.
Ain't that right,
Scrap Iron?
Huh? Yeah.
Leon single-handedly saved
my second and fourth marriages.
- Mm-hmm.
- That's right. And it was Leon...
who taught me I didn't have
to be ashamed of my body.
[Men Hooting]
Thank you, Candy. You see, I like
to help people. That is what I do.
You know,
lam like Mother Teresa,
but of boning,"
you see what I'm saying?
Listen, Julie, you are now
in the world of Leon Phelps, okay?
Everything will work out.
Trust me.
Thank you, Scrap.
And besides that, Julie,
you have to learn...
that there are more important things
in life than work.
- Can I help you?
- Martini with lemon.
So excuse me while
Leon Phelps shows you...
how he brings home
the bacon.
That's my cue.
I'm out of here.
Yeah, I know. It's a heartbreak,
ain't it, girlfriend?
I mean, when's it
gonna be our turn, right?
You know, you and me
are exactly alike. Eerie.
- See you later, Scrap Iron.
- Bye, baby.
- Bye, Lester. See you tomorrow, Leon.
- Bye, sweetie.
There goes Julie Simmons.
I bet you're wondering what a nice girl
like that is doing in a place like this.
That's exactly what I was wondering
one night about two years ago.
Do me wrong
Do me right
Do me right, baby
,1' Tell me lies ,1'
- Bourbon, up.
- [Continues]
Let me help you with that.
There you go.
Listen, I was wondering,
can I ask you a question?
Was your father
a meat burglar?
Here's why I ask.
Because it looks like somebody...
stole two fine hams and shoved them
down the back of your dress.
[ Lester] And then it happened.
She started laughing.
Kept on laughing.
I thought she was crazy.
They talked and laughed
on into the night.
Leon didn't go home with her,
but he took home her business card.
She said she was in radio. Said
she wanted to put Leon on the radio.
That was two years ago.
I guess she packed
her wedding dress away...
for another day.
Listen, seriously, Lester.
Can you take a break for a second?
I'm trying to concentrate
over here.
[Scrap] Leon, {think
she gonna be a tough shoe to polish.
[Leon]
Au contraire, bon jour.
Let me give you
the play-by-play.
{will probably begin
with a very classy first line.
Something like--
Say, sweet thing,
can I buy you a fish sandwich?
Mm-hmm.
And then I will commence to
whisper sweet words in her ear.
Something like--
Man, I'd like to take a bite
out of your butt.
And then I will close the deal
by giving her a preview of...
- the goods.
- [Zipper Unzips]
[ Chorus]
Hallelujah
[ Scrap ]
The day you pick up that pretty woman,
that's the day I believe
a wet bird don't fly at night.
Yeah? Well, get ready to see
a wet bird fly at night, my friend.
[Chuckling]
Say there, sweet thing.
Uh, I have a question.
Could I--
- Hey, swinger. I've got an idea.
- Yeah?
My husbands away.
Let's go back to my place.
So you don't want
a fish sandwich?
Okay, that's cool, I guess.
But listen.
- My car doesn't exist, so- Yes.
- Shut up.
The bus is what
we'll be taking.
- Hey! Hey, man! Hey!
- [Leon Continues]
[Panting, Grunting]
[Panting, Grunting]
[ Soul, Muffled]
- To the left'. Yeah. just like that.
- Like that?
[ Man ]
Honey, the front door.
Barney, is that you?
Well, it isn't the Orkin man.
I'll be right there.
You'll never guess
what happened.
I was cleaning up
the broom closet,
and it was so stuffed
with crap.
So I opened the door...
and it was like,
" Uh-uh-uh-uh.
Don't open that door, McGee.
'Cause all that stuff...
just came tumbling down
all over me.
- Do you have a man in there with you?
- Oh, yes!
Oh, yes! Oh, yes!
Don't stop.
- Cheryl
- [Bedpost Banging]
Oh, don T stop!
Oh, don "t-
Listen, baby, that was cool,
but I gotta go.
No!
Wake up!
It is 2:30 in the a.m., and you are
listenin' to The Ladies Man.
All right. So let's take
some more calls. Go ahead, caller.
Hello? Am I on?
Yes, you are.
What seems to be your query?
Uh-
Well, look, I've never called
a show like this before,
but I'm in-
I'm in really bad shape.
I was, uh- I was kind of hoping
that you'd help me out.
Well, we'll see
what we can do.
[ Barney]
So, I came home last night,
and what do you know.
My wife of seven years was
in the sack with another guy.
- Yeah, that sounds good.
- No, it's not good.
I-I saw the guy.
I saw him running--
running down the street.
He had this, like, smiley...
tattoo thing on his, uh,
on his, uh-
Okay, sir, listen.
We're gonna take
a break right now.
We'll be back in a few moments
with the answer to our survey,
What is your favorite hole?"
Thanks for calling.
..-~...-~ [jazz On Television]
[Groaning]
I don't wanna talk.
I just came to pick up my-
[ Rubbing Crotch Rapidly]
- Barney'.
- [Keys Clattering]
[ Continues]
No! No!
[Stammering]
It's not what you think.
Way to go, Leon.
You really are a class act.
Well, what can l say, baby?
The ladies, they love Leon Phelps.
[Laughing] What ladies?
Who are these women?
And why do you feel like you
have to sleep with all of them?
Um, let me see.
Have you ever had sex?
Yes, Leon, I've had sex.
- Yes, well, there you go.
- [Laughing]
That's delightful.
- Yea h.
- It's exactly that kind of language...
that's gonna get you
kicked off the air-
- Mr. Kent.
- Yes!
You certainly seem
in good spirits today.
I didn't think it showed.
I just got a letter
from the F.C.C.
So I suppose you could say I'm full
of contentment and cheer.
What do you mean?
I'm sure you're aware
your little friend, Leon Phelps,
has always been a thorn
in my side.
He's unprofessional.
He drinks on the air.
He has a little sip
of cognac now and then, but-
I would have fired him years ago
if he wasn't such a-
such a favorite with
the owner of the station.
I don't know what
she sees in him.
But I finally decided to
go over her head about this...
and straight to the F.C.C.
And if Leon Phelps is responsible
for even one more...
tiny little fine,
I get to fire him.
[Chuckles]
Well, we haven't had
a fine in weeks.
Leon's completely
cleaned up his act.
- Oh, is that a fact?
- Caller, you got The Ladies Man.
Yeah, you see,
what your problem is...
is that you suffer from,
um, homo-un-erectus.
Which means, basically, that
your Wang is " hugeified"
not by a woman but by a man.
Well, you never know. I mean, some
nights the F.C.C. doesn't even listen.
- Really?
- No! [Laughing]
They listen all the time.
Probably listening now.
What's up? Bucky Kent is visiting us
in the station. How you doing?
[ Chuckling]
Well, I guess he can? stick around.
But you still got Leon Phelps.
I'm sticking it out here.
We gonna take a break.
We gonna be right back.
- Leon--
- Don't let Bucky get you all upset.
- He is just jealous.
- Leon, I think he's serious this time.
He said that the radio station
wont pay for any more of your fines.
I tell you what I'm gonna do. We only
got three minutes left for the show.
I'm just gonna ease my way out. Play
a little music. No more phone calls.
And you'll see by tomorrow
Bucky Kent will be all cooled down.
- You promise?
-Julie, come on.
The one person you can trust
is Leon Phelps.
- Okay.
- Kiss me. Kiss me!
- Stop it.
- [ Huffs]
What's happening?
You got The Ladies Man,
Leon Phelps here, and I am looking
at a half-empty bottle of Courvoisier,
which means that we are
just about out of time.
But before I go, I'd like to
leave you with just one more thought.
This is a little something
that I wrote.
And I read:
What is love?
What is this longing in
our hearts for togetherness?
Is it not
the sweetest flower?
Does not this flower
of love...
have the fragrant aroma
affine, fine diamonds?
Does not the wind
love the dirt?
ls not love not unlike
the unlikely not it is unliking to?
Are you with someone tonight?
Do not question your love.
Take your lover by the hand.
Release the power
within yourself
You heard me,
release the power.
Tame the wild cosmos
with a whisper.
Conquer heaven with one
intimate caress.
That's right.
Don't be shy.
Whip out
everything you've got...
and do it in the butt.
By Leon Phelps.
Let's go. Come on.
- Good distance.
- Yeah, not bad.
[ Leon]
Listen, Julie, I just wanna say...
thank you
for sticking up for me.
- Yeah, okay. Leon-
- Listen. You always stick up for me.
- Yeah, but Leon--
- You're the greatest, you know?
- Thank you.
- And another thing.
No matter what they do to me, they can
fire me from their radio station,
they can call me
all kinds of names,
they can make me get down
on my knees and beg for my job,
but the one thing
that they cannot take away...
from sweet Leon...
is his dignity.
So this is my fabulous yacht.
Or as I like to call it,
my personal " skankuary. "
I told you before, Leon,
it's not a yacht if you get mail there.
It's more like a trailer park
of the sea.
Yeah, well, even so,
this is what I like
to call the L.A. Forum,
because this is where
the magic happens.
And the magic just happened once
on that chair that you're touching.
I have performed the magic
once in that wastepaper basket.
You know, {actually had to get the
magic cleaned from out of this curtain.
That was along shot.
Wore me out.
- Let's get you into bed, okay?
- [ Groans ]
- Here.
- Officer, no.
Come on. Let's see
if we can get you into bed.
Watch it. Ow!
- I'm sorry,Julie.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait. Come on.
- I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
Listen, I handle my drink
better than today.
- I've seen you. I know.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry about the firing.
- It's okay just lie down.
- You deserve better.
- It's okay. We're gonna be fine.
- You should be with a professional.
Mrs. Robinson, are you
trying to seduce me?
No, I'm not.
In fact, I'm looking
around this place...
and I can't understand why anyone
would ever want to seduce you.
Turn off the lights
[ Leon]
That is why.
- ,1' Light a candle)
- You've gotta be kidding.
Mm-mmm.
[ Continues]
- [Julie] " Pina Colada Butt Lotion"?
- Mm-hmm.
Where do you even
find this stuff?
Mostly at K-Mart
and Wal-Mart.
And why do you have a water bed
when you live on a boat?
Oh, it's because there's
more motion in the ocean.
Come on in, baby.
The water's fine.
- So Julie?
- Huh?
Are we going to do it?
No, we are not going to do it.
I would hate to see you
as an old man, Leon.
You are gonna be
one sorry sight.
- Where you going?
- I'm going home.
The job search
starts tomorrow.
[ Door Closes]
Oh, boy.
- Smiley...
- [Keyboard Keys Clacking]
ass tattoo.
[Groaning]
Victims of the smiling ass.
" Have you seen this ass?"
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Welcome to the v.5.A.
Victims of the smiling ass.
We will have our revenge."
[ Man] Well, let me
tell you a little bit about WRQE.
We play all the biggest names
in soft rock and light jazz.
Folks like Enya, Yanni, Tesh.
I don't know if you've heard of a lady
who goes by the name of Celine Dion.
- [ Laughing]
- No, who is that?
I have to say I've heard of you, but
I'm not too familiar with your show.
I don't stay up
that late anymore.
- Do you have a tape I could listen to?
- I'm afraid we don't-
Yeah, actually, we do.
This should give you...
a good idea of what
we can bring to your station.
Fantastic.
Let's see
what we've got here.
You know, clinically speaking,
doing it doggy style has-
There's some racy stuff at the
beginning, but you can speed through it.
All right.
- [Tape Fast-Forwarding]
- Yeah.
Sounds like the answer for you
is doing it doggy style.
Just speed through.
Same stuff.
[Coughing]
Boy, excuse me.
Anyways, doggy style--
You can speed right through
that part too.
Yeah, see,
you was kicked in the scrotum.
Or as they say
in the medical profession, the ball sac.
You can skip
through that part.
Well, you know, the scientific name
is the Hershey Highway.
Speed on through.
Hey. But that
is the only tape.
The tape is important.
There's people looking.
That's not- Don't-
- Miss, uh, Simmons?
- Yes.
Uh, let's see.
[Humming]
Oh, very nice.
Very nice.
- Thank you.
- And, uh-
Mr. Phelps.
Yeah, that's me.
I'm presently in the process of getting
my resume typed up over at Kinko's.
- Kinko's. Good people. Nice.
- Yeah.
I see under " interests, "
you've written " Debit" ?
No, that's da" butt.
- "Da" butt?
- Yeah. And I also like tennis.
Good, good.
Well, Mr. Phelps,
today might be your lucky day.
Our morning anchor quit,
out of the blue.
And we are desperate for
someone to fill her old slot.
Well, that's no problem,
'cause I have a lot of experience
at filling other peoples slots.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
You mean you've filled
other people's slots before?
- Yeah, this morning.
- Fantastic. You got the job.
[Together]
Really?
Yeah, absolutely.
Well, welcome to WPJT Radio.
Well, welcome to WPT Radio.
[Angelic Chorus]
What's happening?
And welcome to The Ladies--
Uh, The Lord's Man Show.
Um- So, I understand
that you are a nun?
- Yes, that's right.
- Yeah, that's cool.
And how long have you been,
uh, nunning" it up?
For about 30 years now.
Yeah. Well, congratulations.
That's good.
Now, I understand
that your work...
takes you all around the world,
is that right?
Yes, that is correct. In fact,
I'll be leaving the country...
very soon to assume
a missionary position.
[Stammering]
I'm sorry. What was that?
I'm going to assume
a missionary position,
and I'll probably be holding it
for a very longtime.
Yeah, well, that's--
that's interesting.
Um- So, where will
you be holding this-
- Missionary position? In Bangkok.
- Yeah.
Bangkok. Yeah.
That's, uh, cool.
So why don't we talk
about something else.
Bangkok is lovely. In fact, I'm
looking forward to taking it all in.
[Leon]
Hmm.
- But it can get a little steamy.
- [ Swallows ]
Have you ever gone down
the Yellow River?
Yeah, once in the '805,
but I did not enjoy it.
What about
a missionary position?
Have you ever known the joys
of a missionary position?
Yeah, okay.
Here's a story I'm gonna tell you.
It goes a little something like this.
I was with these two girls,
right?
And so I was doing the twin sisters
and then her mother walks in,
and her mother
has a video camera.
So she puts it on the tripod
and she starts to ram it.
It was sort of
a missionary position--
[Siren Wailing]
Yeah?
Well, up yours too.
Oh, well,
on to the next one.
Next one?
There is no next one.
That's nonsense,Julie. There's
that kiddie station up in Wilmette.
Leon, we may never work
in radio again.
No, listen, Julie.
That is where you are wrong.
We'll get out of this mess.
Trust me.
Last time I trusted you, you told the
city of Chicago to do it in the butt.
Yeah. Well, there was no way to predict
that that was gonna end up so badly.
- But look, it'll be different this time.
- Whatever, Leon.
I need to think this through. You
call me when you come back to reality.
Don't you worry,Julie.
I'm a man of action.
I have a plan
for this type of thing.
There's only one thing to do.
I'm must go and have sex...
and wait for something
to randomly happen.
It'll work out, youll see.
It will randomly work out!
Score! Score! Score!
Yeah. Whoo!
Well, I just had sex, and-
- [Man] U.5. Mail'
- There's the random occurrence.
I hate the houseboat guy.
Hey, what's happenin'?
Shh.
I was bonin' a lady inside.
Say, look at this.
It's a telegram from Jimmie Walker.
- Really?
- Ooh, it says, Urgent."
" Deal"Leon. Stop.
The '70s are over. Stop."
Let me see that.
Here's your- Oops.
I seem to be dropping
all your mail.
- I guess I'm a clumsy mailman.
- You're a bad mailman.
- And this is not from Jimmie Walker.
- [ Mimicking Leon]
[ Sighs ]
Let's see here.
Gas bill.
Houseboat bill.
Electrical bill.
Ooh, what is this?
Ooh. It's a lady.
Dearest Leon,
I know it's been a long-
[ Continues, inaudible]
My back pressed against
the washing machine-
Money-
This is it!
[Julie]
Dearest L eon,
I know it has been a longtime since
we parted ways that fateful night,
but I still remember
the tender moments we spent together.
The feeling of your skin
pressed up against mine.
The feeling of my back pressed up
against the wall of the Laundromat.
I remember how you said
I was your one true love.
Time has changed nothing.
I want you even more.
And I have all the money we'll ever
need to make a fresh start.
Come back to me, Leon.
I'm waiting for you...
and I've never stopped
thinking of myself...
the way you always used to
describe me...
as your very special
Sweet Thing.
- You gotta be kidding me.
- Uh-uh.
This is the answer to
all your unemployment problems?
- Who is she?
- I don't know.
- You don't know?
- Uh-uh.
As you can see,
she did not sign her name,
so I guess she thought
I knew who she was.
Cuckoo, cuckoo.
Yeah.
All I know is that all my problems,
they are now solved.
Leon, all your problems will be solved
when you get a job like normal people.
How am I supposed to do that?
We tried every radio station in town.
Not every one.
I can still pull a favor, hopefully,
over at WAMS from Cyrus.
Cyrus Cunningham?
Your ex-fiance?
The one that dumped you?
The one with
the three-inch penis?
No,Julie, listen.
I can't stand the idea of you...
crawling back to that jerk
just because I got both of us fired.
Listen, baby, the answer
to all of our troubles...
is in this rich lady's letter
and her money.
Her money. Leon, this
is a love letter, not a lottery ticket.
- [ Groans]
- This is a woman who cared for you,
who you called
by a special pet name.
- Who you called-
- Hey, sweet thing.
Hi. Can I get some more
waffles down here? Thank you.
I'm sorry.
What were you saying, sweet thing?
I'm, uh-
I'm sorry about the door.
Do I have the right place?
I was just-
Wow! You're huge.
We know who you are, Barney.
I think you'll be glad
that you decided to come.
What-What is this?
- These are people just like you, Barney.
-[All ] Hi, Barney.
They, too, have had
their lives shattered...
by the sight
of that man's ass.
I caught this mysterious tattooed guy
and my wife going at it...
in July, 1992.
Spring of '89.
December, 1994.
November of '95.
And then Apr of '$6.
[ Murmuring I
And then again
in June of '96.
And then twice more
on January 15,1997.
And three more times
in the spring of '99--
Arbor Day, Cinco de Mayo
and Flag Day.
That's Hal. Don't
make any sudden moves around him.
It's all right, man.
What about you?
I mean, what's your story?
It was April, 1990.
I was in training
for the U.S. Olympic Team.
My Sport:
Greco-Roman wrestling.
My wife and I didn't
have a perfect marriage.
Maybe I didn't
understand her needs.
But she definitely
didn't understand my passion...
for wrestling.
She didn't understand why Brian,
my wrestling partner, and I...
trained constantly.
She didn't understand
the thrill any man would feel...
after grabbing a big,
husky guy like Brian...
and pinning him down
to the ground...
until he squirms and squeals
like a little piglet.
[Men Coughing, Murmuring]
[Clears Throat]
One night,
I went out to train...
at-at Brian's.
I returned home only
to find my wife lying there...
with a faraway look.
I noticed an open window,
and out of it I saw our man
running through the parking lot.
I wouldve chased after him,
but I was too sore.
From the training.
- [Chattering]
- [ Man ] Of course, the training.
Right. After that, I discovered
there were others like me,.
and I formed this group.
The point is,
we may not know his name,
but we're onto him.
And one day, he'll slip up.
And when he does, we're gonna
be there to nail him...
and cut his balls off!
- [All Groaning]
- Okay, sorry. Sorry, everyone.
Maybe we won't
actually go that far.
That's yucky.
Well, you don't have to wait
for him to slip up.
He already has.
'Cause when he ran
out of my apartment-
Look!
He's a circus clown!
Yeah, we already know
about the clothes.
He runs out of all
of our houses bare-assed, you know.
The clothes really
haven't given us anything.
[Sobbing]
What?
Damn it!
I mean, there must be some way
to catch this woman's dude.
Gentlemen,
- prepare for battle.
- [All Cheering]
Listen up, everybody.
This will be...
our general area
of our search, okay?
Now, years ago
I was in the army,
and we spent a lot of time
in this area here.
The army, they called it Asia,
but I like to call it
Freaky-Deeky Sex World.
Scrap Iron, you're my man.
This will be your area.
[suggest that...
you stick to the back streets
and the whorehouses.
- I'm right on it.
- Good'.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Scrap, wait a minute. Leon.
This postmark is from Chicago.
- [Candy] Hey.
- Let me see that, Lester.
If the lady lives right here
in Chicago, that ought to be easy.
I mean, you could find all the women
you been with in town, right?
That's a very good question,
Candy. Yes, I can,
because I have written the names of all
of my very special sweet ladies down...
in this, my black book.
- Look at that thing.
- And in addition to that,
I have made these photocopies
for you all to take a look at.
- That's for you, Lester.
- You have any idea who this woman is?
Yes, I do, because
when I read this letter...
I hear a voice
that I connect to a face.
And because I have
what is called 20-20 memory,
that tells me that this is
my very special Sweet Thing.
Leon Phelps.
- You miserable, fatheaded jackass.
- Theresa!
What the hell are you doing here?
I hoped you were dead.
No, I'm not dead. Surprise.
- Ew!
- What?
You expect me to let you stick your
tongue in my mouth after two years?
Yes, I do.
Ooh, Courvoisier.
Let's have a drink.
Come on in, baby.
This is nice.
Leon, why haven't
you called me?
This is the thing. They kept changing
all those collect call phone numbers,
so it became really difficult
for me to use the telephone.
- Shut it up. I can't believe this.
- Okay.
I meet you under the stands at a dog
track. You sweet-talk me into leaving.
Next thing, I'm busting slobs with you
in a bathroom of a Chuck E. Cheese.
You called me
your sweet thing.
Wait a second. It says here
we did it in a Laundromat.
- What?
- Yeah.
Didn't you send me a note about getting
together and sharing your money, love?
Mistakes
are sometimes funny.
Listen, I could really
use that drink now.
All right, that's nice.
I got everything but the glass.
- Rot in hell, Leon.
- Yes, I heard you the first time.
No, no, no, no, no.
I hope you burn in hell.
- Yes, duly noted.
- Rotting and burning.
- Yes, in hell. I got you.
- Your mother looks like Florida Evans!
Listen, there's no reason
to go there.
You mud duck!
Quack on.
[ Soul, indistinct]
Hey, Sandra, it's me, Leon.
What's happening?
A)" f Soul ]
- Hey, Margie. What's up? It's Leon.
- Hi.
How you doing?
Good to see you.
I'm sorry to interrupt you.
Yeah, I know you gotta go.
- Listen, did you write this letter?
- What?
No? Okay. Go on up there.
Have a good time tonight.
Play some AI Green and smack her
on the ass. She likes that.
Hey. How you doin'?
Hey, what's happening, Evelyn?
I remember-
That was not a good idea.
[ Over P.A.]
What's happening, Chicago?
Ladies, if you are rich
and I boned you,
could you please meet me
at the nacho cart?
Also, if you are rich
and you want to be boned,
would you please meet me
at the nacho cart?
- Hey, Lester.
- I stepped in a time machine.
Look at this place.
This place is disgusting.
You don't have to stay long.
just long enough to meet Leon.
I'm telling you,
he's just what your station needs.
- Leon, this is Cyrus.
- Cyrus Cunningham.
Yeah, this is the guy
that dumped you.
You're a lot shorter than I expected.
But the hair and the shoes help out.
Well, Julie, sweetheart, I said
I would meet your friend, and I have.
I wasted a lot of my time
in the process.
Obviously, you haven't grown up much
since our little mistake.
Look, Cyrus, why don't you
just listen for a second?
WAMS has done quite well
without the help of rejects...
and winos and ditsy women who think
they can run with the big boys.
If you need a temp job, let me know,
okay? Gotta go. Love your place.
Listen, don't talk
to Julie like that.
Excuse me.
What was that, little man?
I said that you don't talk
to Julie like that.
[Cyrus Chuckles]
Don't push up on me
in front of your peeps, okay?
Don't let the smooth taste fool you.
I'm from the streets.
Oh, yeah?
Well, I still live in the streets...
and will occasionally
find myself waking up in the streets.
That's right.
That's right.
Gentlemen, there will be
no fighting in this bar.
All right, fine.
We can take it outside.
Listen, I'm sorry.
We-We got off on the wrong foot here.
Um, why don't we just
let bygones be bygones?
Whatever you say, sugar.
That's fine with me.
Listen, how about you have a- I'd
like to offer you a pickled pig's feet.
I don't think so.
[Scrap]
Come on, johnny Mathis.
- You said you from the streets.
- Yeah.
Yeah, well, Julie told me
that while they were datin',
there were some things that
Cyrus didn't have a taste for.
[Bar Patrons Laughing]
- [ Leon] Interesting.
- [Cyrus] Hey, hey, hey.
It ain't no thing, all right?
It ain't no thing.
I was raised on pig's feet.
I can eat this. Fine. I can eat it.
If this is what you want, fine.
- This is what you want me to do?
- Mm-hmm.
Just to impress you and the rest
of the Sunshine Band, I'll eat it.
[Leon]
That's fine.
See? I'll eat it here. Cut it up a
little bit and eat it like that. See?
There.
Perhaps you thought I'd recoil
from your bar food, but-
- You want some pickled eggs?
- I'd love some pickled eggs.
One pickled dish at a time.
Why are we gonna--
Okay, I'll stay
for one pickled egg.
Look, everybody. People
are actually eating the bar food.
[ Scrap ] All right, boys, eat up.
The food is free.
- It disappears.
- Pick/ed egg you want, you got.
[Scrap] This ain't the welfare.
This is the good stuff
- Mmm.
- Mmm, mmm, mmm!
- Hey, how about some prairie oysters?
- Ooh, prairie oysters!
- They are really good.
- Come on. Bring it on. Let's go.
- Look like a chitlin to me.
- Prairie oysters. Mmm!
Oh, yeah, look at that.
Oh, yeah, it's fresh.
This is gonna be so good.
I haven't had these since yesterday.
- M m m!
- [ Woman] It's an acquired taste.
[ Scrap ]
Take your time.
[Bar Patrons Groaning,
Chattering]
Hmm?
Good, huh?
- Spicy hog balls.
- [All Groaning]
[ Man]
Not the hog balls.
Spicy hog balls.
Where'd you find these?
Ooh, look at that.
They got two balls.
And they going right down here.
Mmm! Mmm!
Oh! Yes, indeed.
Look at them.
Eat all you want, boys.
Eat all you want.
[ Man ]
Show him how to do it, Leon.
Mmm'.
Mmm, mmm, mmm'.!
How you boys doing?
So, is that it?
I've eaten more exotic foods
than that.
- How about a piece de resistance?
- Hmm.
- Back-bottom gristle lumps.
- [ Candy] Special of the house.
Practically nobody eats these.
- I don't remember those on the menu.
- Oh, these are good.
These are new.
The best!
- These are mine.
- No, no, no. No way. No way!
- They're mine.
- Get the hell off of them!
Jeez!
[Scrap] Don't be fighting
over gristle lumps. Come on, now.
There you go, now. That's a nice one.
That's a nice one.
- just some gristle lumps.
- Gristle lump you want, you got.
- I got your gristle lump.
- [All Groaning]
- Savor the flavor.
- Mm-hmm.
[Scrap]
Got some hot sauce to go with that too.
- Mmm. I did it.
- That's right. You sure did.
- I did it.
- You did it. I'm proud of you.
I did it. I did it!
[Laughing]
I've never seen anything
like this in my life.
- Boy, you just done ate some shit.
- [Al/Laughing]
- Some what?
- You just ate some human shit.
Human shit?
Human shit?
Why would you
bottle human shit?
What possible holiday would you
bottle human shit for?
- [Scrap ] Funniest idea yet!
- You people are sick!
That's the first time
it's ever worked.
We scored so big.
You know that that was
our last chance at a steady paycheck.
- Mm-hmm.
- But I feel good. I feel real good.
Well, that's good,
because listen, there's no way...
that I was gonna let that dude
disrespect my Julie twice.
So, listen, excuse me.
I will be going to the bathroom
to puke up a hog ball.
Gentlemen, we've been waiting
for this day for a longtime.
- [ Murmuring]
- This man, this Lad/es Man,
thought he could take something
from us, something we hold sacred.
- Our manhood. Was he successful?
- [All ] No!
No, he was not. Why?
Because we're men among men.
- That's right! Yeah!
- Super men!
And from this moment on,
I declare our supreme manliness!
[ Cheering]
I feel like this
is something really special
Something tells me
this is truly grand
I've got a brand-new lease
on life now
And it's all because we're
gonna get The Ladies Man
[All ]
That's right!
All at once the search
is truly over
Everything is happening
as planned
I hope he's naked
and good-looking
And it's all because we're
gonna get this Ladies Man
That's right!
When we catch him,
we're gonna cut his balls off.
I don't know
what I'm feeling;
I never felt
like this before
I want to sing
from a mountaintop
And let my true heart soar
Going UP-
[Elevator Bell Dings]
I can't believe
it's finally over
All of my dreams
are near at hand
I'm gonna kill
that dirty bastard
I'm gonna kill
that dirty bastard
The time has come
to kill The Ladies Man
The time has come
to kill The Ladies Man
His name is Leon Phelps.
I fired him a week ago.
Say, is that a picture
of him over there?
Yes. Yes, it is.
That's your man.
That's, uh-
That's Leon Phelps.
[ Lance]
Leon Phelps.
Where might we
find this Leon Phelps?
Oh, you might
try his houseboat,
or that gin tank
called Lester's Lounge.
And when you find him, tell him
to come in and pick up this crap.
- What's this?
- Fan mail...
from all the sluts he's been banging
for the past couple of years.
A lot of these
are from my wife.
- [ Woman] You thought I wrote this?
- [Leon] Yeah, I did.
Sorry, Leon. I'm not really
interested in settling down right now.
- [Knocking On Door]
- You're on in ten minutes.
Excuse me.
I'll just be a minute changing.
This is a nice place. It looks
like you've finally made the big-time.
Yeah, my work is everything
to me right now.
That's why I couldnt dream
of settling down.
In fact, the only thing
that ever compared...
to the thrill
of my performances...
were those wild nights
we had together in bed.
Yeah, we did some pretty
messed-up junk.
- Hey, Leon.
- Yes?
I've got a crazy idea.
I've got a few minutes
before I go on.
Let's have a quickie
for old time's sake.
That's not a crazy idea.
I like that idea and I will support it.
Let's do it like we used to--
real nasty!
[Honking Horn]
Listen, maybe it's not a good idea.
We don't have the time to do this.
We'll do it real quick. Come on,
baby. You know what Bloopy likes.
- [ Honking]
- Okay, listen, Bloopy?
I'm about to go on.
I have to stay in character.
Now, give it to me, you stud.
- Take it easy there, Bloopy.
- Bloopy's gonna lick you all over.
Okay, listen.
I don't know.
Oh, what the hell.
I can't believe
it's finally over
All of my dreams
are near at hand
I'm gonna kill
that dirty bastard
The time has come
to kill The Ladies Man
The time has come
to kill The Ladies Man
That's right!
- Hal, why don't you just-
- Yeah.
[All Shouting]
[ Man]
He's not here, guys.
This stinks.
This stinks, he's not here
and this stinks
And we know why he's not here
because he's not
He's gone
[ Barney]
So, this is where he lives.
Well, tasteful.
Gentlemen,
let's torch it.
- Hey,
' Lets
[All Screaming]
We really didn't
think that through.
That place was full
of pleather and cologne.
[Lance] It was quite a thrill,
though, when it went up in flames.
Ah, gentlemen,
can I help you?
- A round of beers for my men.
- [All ] Yeah!
- There something else I can help with?
- I think there is. My card.
We're also looking
for this man.
His name is Leon Phelps.
- He also goes by The Lad/es Man.
- [All] Yeah!
- You guys friends of his?
- You might say that.
- [All Chuckling]
- We want to kill him.
Well, he doesn't hang out here.
[ Chuckles]
What would you want to kill a guy
like that for anyway?
He's a dangerous thief
of hearts.
He seduced my wife.
He screwed all our women!
[All]
Yeah!
- That's why you want to kill Phelps.
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that's why we wanna kill him.
And we're going to.
We're going to catch him
and cut off his tiny little pecker.
- You're not talking about-
- That's him!
[All Shouting]
Get him!
- See you later!
- [Barney] How does he do it?
- He's outsmarted us again.
- Lance, his little black book.
Oh, yes.
Oh,yes,
this is good.
This is very good!
[All Laughing]
- Why is it very good?
- It's the book of all of his numbers.
This is not cool.
This is unfair.
I did not do anything to deserve this.
[Crying]
My houseboat.
It's my houseboat!
[Screaming]
Why?
[ Conversation,
indistinct ]
Mm.
[Leon] This is how my uncle
taught us to drink tea.
You put your pinkie up.
Then take it to your lips, like this.
Julie.
Come on in.
Your friend Leon
has made some suggestions...
pertaining to us
and our love life.
I'm so glad you invited Leon here
to spend this time with us.
I didn't invite Leon--
As far as I'm concerned,
he can stay as long as he wants.
- [Edna] I'll drink to that.
- [Leon] I do too.
If you got some Courvoisier, we could
pour some of that in here too.
Julie, when am I
gonna see your room?
Julie, when am I
gonna see your room?
I am Julie's piano
I am Julie's piano
That's a song
I wrote for you.
Look, you got your nice
little stuffed animals there.
And look at that nice poster
of Rick Astley.
Okay, I told you
this was temporary.
- You don't have to tease me.
- Yes, I do.
I'd like to remind you,
young lady,
about the trailer park of
the sea line, my houseboat...
which I don't
have anymore.
Oh, man.
You know something, Julie? I'm
realizing that my life really sucks.
You know whose fault it is,
don't you?
It is the fault of the Wang.
I should cut this thing off.
- You're not gonna cut it off.
- I know.
That's the craziest thing
I've ever thought of.
But I just can't live
like this anymore.
I'm so tired of being
The Lad/es Man.
You know , you were never
The Ladies Man" to me.
- Really?
- Really.
No, to me you've always been
just plain old Leon Phelps.
A lonely, misguided...
idiot.
[Chuckles]
You know something Julie? Hmm?
I think that you
wrote the mystery letter.
[incredulous Laugh]
Yeah! Leon,
I've never had sex with you,
especially not
in a Laundromat.
Yeah, that is true.
You know what?
It wouldve been really nice
if you had written this letter.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
You know, a girl like you,
that's what I need.
I don't need
some crazy mystery lady.
Well, how could you find
a girl like me?
Yeah, how can I find
a girl like you?
She'd have to be single.
- That would be really nice this time.
- Yeah.
And she'd
have to be attractive.
- Yeah, well, you have that.
- [ Laughs ]
She'd have to have parents that
wouldnt throw you off the porch.
Yeah, that would
be really nice.
And she'd have to have
known you long enough...
to finally realize what a wonderful
person you're capable of being.
Julie, can you
do that again?
,1' All this time ,1'
Like the stormy sea
Reaching for the sky
I' thiS time f.
That's it.
- That is it.
- What? What?
Del an e.
DeLune!
DeLune, DeLune.
Honey DeLune!
Sweet Thing
is Honey DeLune!
That is it!
Oh, my God!
lam rich!
Look out, Chicago!
The Ladies Man is back!
Yes!
[ Lester Narrating] Well, there
goes Leon Phelps, chasing his dream.
But here's a funny thing
about running after a dream--
sometimes what you were dreaming
about was in front of you all along.
Lester, could you just shut up and
give me the number for Honey DeLune?
Right.
Just thought you could
use a little advice.
Okay.
5, 9--
[Ringing]
- Hello?
- Guess who, Sweet Thing!
- Leon? Leon Phelps?
- [Chuckles]
That's right, baby.
It's your Laundromat love machine.
Oh, my God! It is!
- So you got my letter, right?
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, when so much time
went by, I thought...
maybe you didn't want
to have anything to do with me.
- I guess that was silly, huh?
- Yes, it was.
- [ Laughs]
- It was downright stupid, baby.
Ever since
we last saw each other,
- I have had this aching in my soul.
- Oh, you did?
Yeah. How about I come over there and
go to town on your money and your ass?
Oh! Heh-heh!
Oh, uh, Leon, you're gonna have
to give me a little bit of time.
- What the hell for?
- To tie up some loose ends.
Baby, I want to leave my whole life
behind and run away with you.
How does a trip around the world
sound for starters?
- Are you paying for it?
- Of course.
- Well, that sounds good.
- Wonderful.
Um, come by and pick me up
tomorrow night. Okay?
All right. Sure, Sweet Thing.
Ha ha!
[ Beeps Off]
- You talking on the phone just now?
- No, sweetheart.
Good.
- Nice try, my friend.
- Hello, Mrs. DeLune.
Hi, Brian.
Here comes the pterodactyl.
Hope you like it.
[Grunting, Groaning]
- ,1' Who's that lady)
- ,1' Who's that lady)
- ,1' Beautiful lady);
- Hey!
- Yo!
- What's up, Aloysius?
- My main man!
- I need some new stuff.
- Man, I got you covered, baby.
- This is all right.
- This is the darkest brown you got?
- Yeah.
- German chocolate. Can't get no deeper.
- Yeah. Aloysius...
- I think you got a deal.
- Yeah. Mm!
Mm!
Get up
on the downstroke
- ,1' Everybody get up ,1'
- Yeah.
- Get up on the downstroke
- That's fight.
- Get up on the downstroke
- Mm-hmm. Player of the year.
- You the man now.
- Get up on the downstroke
- ,1' Everybody get up ,1'
- Cleaner than a broke-dick dog.
- [Men] Hey, Leon!
- Yeah, that's right. It's me.
Hey, there, Leon!
[All Exclaiming]
- You like that?
- I don't believe this.
Custom-made, $100.
- You look like Monkey D.
- Thank you very much.
I just got off the phone
with my Sweet Thing.
She is gonna take me
on a trip around the world.
[ Candy]
Wow! Where you gonna go, Leon?
Well, basically,
around the world, you know.
We'll go to Paris, of course.
We might go to France.
Acapulco, Sweden,
maybe the Solomon Islands.
- You know.
- Well, Leon, you finally made good.
That's the way I like
to look at it, you know.
When a man works hard
all his life...
and dorks hundreds of ladies,
many of whom he don't even remember,
you'd like to think that
at the end of the day...
he'll be given a lot of money
without having to earn it.
[ Scrap ]
I believe that, yes.
So, yes, I think I have found
true happiness. And I raise my glass.
- To happiness.
- [Leon] To happiness.
- [Scrap] Happiness.'
- Thank you.
Mmm!
That is good Courvoisier.
I would love to stay and have
another one, like I usually do,
but I cannot keep the future
Mrs. Leon Phelps waiting.
So I bid you adieu. See you
on the other side of the tracks.
- Take care of yourself.
- All right, Scrap.
Julie,
you made it just in time.
I'm on my way to see
the girl of my dreams.
Yeah. Now, that's
what I'm talkin' about.
[ Sighs ]
Leon Phelps.
- Damn!
- Baby, what happened to your face?
This is nothin'. lt's just one
of those Biore patches, that's all.
Sorry about that.
I brought you some flowers.
They look and feel plastic,
but they smell real.
And also I bought you a box
of my favorite Mexican wine.
- It's a little heavy.
- [ Laughs]
Well, you've always
been so... giving.
- Mm.
- Why don't you come on in?
I will. This is my house,
after all. Right?
I mean, this is my statue,
and this is my carpet.
This is my mirror.
That's my urn.
And that is my frieze.
Why don't you go have a seat in the
living room, and I'll fix you a drink.
Yeah, that sounds good.
Let me see if
I remember- Cour-
Courvoisier, yes.
That is the drink.
Yeah. This is a nice place
you got here.
It's no houseboat,
but it's nice.
Can we sell it? [Laughs]
just kiddin'.
My God, this is a butt-load
of cash you got here.
- Is this ours?
- Well, it's ours now.
Well, that's nice, but you should
put that in a safer place,
like a bank or somethin'.
Stop talking.
- I want you to take me, wild man.
- Now?
Yes, now. My husband
won't be back for hours.
- Your husband.
- Yeah. It's no big deal.
You might have to kill him,
but I don't think it'll come to that.
You better be sure it's safe, because
I can guarantee if it was not safe...
I would never do something
of this nature.
Because over the years
I have learned to not do...
- unsafe things, you understand.
- [Sniffs]
- Because-
- Shut up and kiss me.
Okay, listen,
this is very nice, but-
Okay-
Hey, macarena
Listen,
this is not cool.
Why don't we talk first?
We never get to really- Whoa!
- We're never gonna catch this guy.
- Calm down, Barney.
You've gotta take that
defeatist attitude and subdue it.
Wrestle it to the ground.
Pin its-its
well-oiled and...
musky form down hard.
Let it feel your-your...
soft breath on-
on the back of its neck.
[Murmurings]
[Clears Throat]
I mean-
You know what I'm...
trying to get at.
- Oh, yeah. Oh, sure.
- You bet.
- [Honey] Yes! Yes! Yes!
- [Leon] No, no. No.
- Listen, I can't do it.
- What?
- I can't do it. It's not workin'.
- It looks fine.
Oh, no, that is workin'.
Yeah.
But I can't do it.
Somethin' is wrong.
You see, I--
I know I'm in control
of my personal world.
- [ Murmurings]
- Nothing will ever violate my--
my personal space.
That's for sure.
Whoops. Butterfingers.
[All Chuckle]
Let me just grab these keys,
and we'll be right inside.
Something is wrong.
I can't do this.
- You know, I think that I'm in love.
- What?
Yeah. When you sent that letter,
all I could think about was the money.
But then when we started to do it, all
I could think about was Julie's face.
I don't mean like thinkin' about some
hot chick when you're bonin' a skank.
- This was sensitive.
- [ Exasperated Sigh]
Gentlemen, please step into
the serenity...
of my beautiful foyer.
- All right.
- All right.
Listen- Listen, Honey,
I don't think this is a good idea.
- I'm tell/'ogy0u--
- [Kissing] Remember ho w--
Yeah, I know--
Gettin' it together.
[ Nervous Chuckle] Hi, sweetheart.
Have you met Leon Phelps?
- Yeah, what's happenin'?
- [ Murmuring, Wailing]
- [Lance] Son of a bitch!
- Don't say son of a bitch."
That's not nice.
What's wrong with you fellas?
- Oh, my God!
- [All Murmur]
- [Man] My wife had that?
- Yeah, she did.
- [ Groans]
- I can understand you bein' angry,
but you can't blame
the Wang.
- Well, he's got a point.
- I mean, that's a beauty.
Kill him!
- Yeah!
- Yeah! No!
Yeah, you heard what he said.
No!
I've waited longer for this
than anyone.
Gentlemen... he's mine.
- And he's dead.
- Yeah! Yeah!
[ Scrap ]
Don't drink so much whiskey, girl
It ain't no good for you
You know you're too pretty, girl
You don't know
what whiskey can do to you
Talk to her, Lord.
Please talk to her.
I told you
we were a lot alike.
It's all right, baby.
Men are pigs.
The only way to deal with them
is booze.
Booze... and penicillin.
I swear, I never thought
I could be taken in again...
by another insincere man.
Easy. Easy, girl. That's one
rambunctious guzzle you got there.
I drank that one
for Leon's one true love.
Rot in hell,
Honey DeLune.
In hell!
Did you say that woman's name
was Honey DeLune?
That's what she said.
If that's her name,
Leon is in a whole lot of trouble.
Why is that?
That's the wife of the dude
who wants to kill Leon.
- Somebody wants to kill Leon?
- Mm-hmm.
' M'! Leon?
- '(up
[Men Chanting]
Lance! Lance! Lance! Lance!
Lance! Lance!
Lance! Lance!
Lance! Lance!
Lance! Lance!
Lance! Lance!
Lance! Lance!
- Lance! Lance! Lance! Lance!
- I am going to wrestle you.
You really don't
have to do this.
I was just saying to your wife Honey
that I'm a changed man.
And if I can have the self-control
to not bone a lady as fine as she is-
She can do that amazing thing
with her tongue--
that should be reason enough
to let me go.
[All Groaning]
[Chanting]
Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!
Oh, yes.
I'm going to enjoy this.
- [Chanting Dies Down]
- Oil?
- No, that's all right.
- Oh.
Well, I- I'm still
going to enjoy this.
But definitely not as much.
And that makes me angry.
-I am a master of Greco-Roman wrestling.
-[All] Yeah!
I will crush you,
and you will learn
a new definition of pain!
- Totally! Yeah!
- All right!
Sure you don't want a dab? It's
a lemon essence, and it is delightful.
- Mm.
- [Honey]Ah--
You'd better take the oil, Leon.
It's pretty rough without the oil.
- No, that's all right. Im good.
- Okay. Suit yourself.
And Lance, dear,
can you kick ass quietly?
10-4, apricot.
Now, Leon Phelps,
prepare to meet your doom.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
Cry havoc,
and set free the dogs of war!
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
Vengeance is mine!
Aa-aah!
[All Groaning]
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
Ooh!
- [Whimpers]
- [All 1 O-O-Ohh!
- Ow! You punched me.
- Yeah.
That is not wrestling!
Hello!
That is not wrestling!
Hello!
- [Grunts]
- [Weeping]
Boss, you want us
to let him go now, or-
- He's got a gun!
- What, are you crazy, round boy?
No, we don't let him go!
Get back in there!
This guys ruined my life!
Get me the bolt cutters.
- This man has stolen our manhood
- Cuckoo!
It's time to take it back.
- Cut his balls off!
- Wait a second!
- Aarrgh!
- Before you do what you're about to do,
there's something
I want to say, all right?
Now listen. All you men
here with wives or girlfriends...
or sisters or mothers,
yes, I did sex them up
a little bit.
- Kill him!
- There's something else I wanna say.
In most cases,
it was really good.
- [All ] Kill!
- No, hold on!
I didn't force myself
onto your women.
I simply gave them somethin'
that you all wasn't givin' them.
- Like Frank. You, for instance.
- Yeah?
- Your wife, she loves you, man.
- She does?
Yes. She always used to call your name
when I was rockin' on top of her.
- She did?
- Yeah. And Hal.
- Me?
- Hal, Hal, Hal.
All your old lady ever wanted was you
to spend time gettin' her in the mood.
- Really?
- Yeah. And you never did, did you?
- Say it loud.
- No.
You see?
And Lance.
Well, Lance, you're clearly gay.
There's nothing really else to say
about that. I think you all know that.
That's cool. But you were tryin' to
oil me up, and that's not really cool.
You all need to listen
to your ladies.
You need to say to her, Baby,
what is it that you want?
Or, Do you want
to do it in the butt?
No? Well, let's move onto somethin'
else. You just need to listen.
I know that now, because I,
too, have a woman that I love.
Her name is Julie,
and I never listened to her.
I was too busy trying to be
" Leon Phelps, The Ladies Man, "
instead of Leon Phelps,
the man.
- Leon--
-just a second,Julie, I gob-Julie!
That was beautiful.
You're not getting off
the hook this time.
- No, Lance, no!
- [Barney] Lance, Lance.
Nuts!
Al's right.
- Hey, hey! Watch it!
- He's not the prob/em.
l-I'm the problem.
Look what it's done to us.
- It's turned us crazy!
- [All ] Whoa! Whoa!
I'm sorry, Lance.
I'm going home.
[ Gun Thuds]
No-o-o!
No!
[All ]
Lance!
Lance!
Lance!
- I'm sorry. That was way too dramatic.
- [Relieved Laughter]
I'm actually with these guys.
You're all right in my book.
- See you later.
- Take care.
[ Chorus Vocalizing]
[ Lester]
Well, there goes Leon Phelps.
His days as the fastest and loosest Wang
in town may be over,
but it's not the end
of his story by along shot.
In fact, he got--
- Hi.
- Hi.
- [ Laughs] Let's go.
- Yes. Let's.
[ Lester Narrating]
In fact, Leon got his show back.
His popularity grew and grew until he
was one of the biggest deejays in town.
His face appeared on the nation's
most popular brand of hog balls.
Ladies Man became America's
number-one radio talk show.
Your husband is a little insecure
because he's retirin', that's all.
Don't worry. It's a passing thing.
Okay, Hillary?
Now, I will see you and Bill
this weekend. Okay? Bye-bye.
You're listening to The Ladies Man,
the coast-to-coast love line...
with all the right responses
to your romantic queries.
And I think we got time
for one more call.
- [Woman] Hello? Ladies Man?
- Hey, it's a lady.
How do you know when you're really,
truly in love?
That's a good question.
I can tell you how I felt
when I knew I was truly in love.
It happened when
I met someone...
that made everything
that I enjoy in life...
a little bit
more special.
Plus, I felt it
in my pants.
Well. that is
all the time we have.
Until next time,
this has been The Lad/es Man.
Get up on the downstroke
Everybody get UP a'
Everybody get UP a'
Get up on the downstroke
Yeah, yeah
0-0-Oh, baby
Oh,
I Baby' d'
Sexy situation
Givin' you old-school love
Ooh, yeah
Anything you can think of
'P Yeah, Oh -.---~...--~
All right
Yeah, yeah
,1' Yeah ,1'
Yeah, baby
J Oh',
Yeah, baby
Oo-oo-ooh
Right in front of me
Right before my eyes
,1' All this time ,1'
Like the stormy sea
Reaching for the sky
,1' All this time ,1'
,1' After all this time ,1'
I looked into your eyes
And I fell
so in love with you
- Hey, hey, hey
- You know it took some time to see
That you were meant for me
- .1' Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh
- 'P / was made for you...
,1' All this time ,1'
Right in front of me
Right before my eyes
Hey, yeah
,1' All this time ,1'
Like the stormy sea
Reaching for the sky
,1' All this time ,1'
Right before my eyes
Hey, yeah
,1' All this time ,1'
Like the stormy sea
Reaching for the sky
I' thiS time f.
[ Man Over Radio]
Along the Kennedy Expressway,
a truck overturned
in the slow lane.
Along the Stevenson Expressway,
the traffic moving along nicely.
Another Shadow traffic update
with TJ. Burks in ten minutes.
You are listening to WRIX,
Chicago's number one news
and financial net work.
Now, back to Money Matters.
I'm your host, Gil Stewart,.
and we're almost out of time
here on Money Matters,
but here's a quick wrap-up
of the day's biggest stories.
The Dow closing out today
at minus 55,
while the NASDAQ
was up seven points.
The S&P is down four.
Gold takes a big hit on the floor
as the International Monetary Fund...
unloads 10%
of its gold holdings,
causing ripples
throughout the banking industry,
continuing the trend of
unloading the bulk of its holdings...
in favor of
better-performing securities.
You've been listening
to Money Matters.
I'm Gil Stewart,
looking after your money.
- It's now 2:00 a.m. and time for--
' i. [SOUI]
What's happening?
And welcome to The Lad/es Man,
the love line with all the right
responses to your romantic queries.
My name is Leon Phelps, and to those
of you that are uninitiated,
I am an expert
in the ways of love.
Um, I have made love
to many fine ladies,
from the lowliest
bus station skank...
to the classiest,
most sophisticated,
educated, debutante,
high society bus station skank.
But listen. I am doing good,
if you were askin'.
I got my Courvoisier cognac
right here,
and I'm ready
to take your calls.
While I am not a psychiatrist
or a psychologist or whatever,
I have done it
to a lot of ladies,
and that makes me
somewhat like an expert.
I have a Ph.D. in tang,
as it were.
So, if you have a romantic query
and you are under the age of 50...
and you're not freaky or disgustin',
please give us a call.
My lovely producer,
Julie Simmons,
she is over there and she is
awaiting with bated breath...
to hear what
you got to say.
Okay, you're gonna have
to hold anyway, sir. Yeah.
Susan from Oak Park.
you have a question for Leon?
Oh, he left his clothes
at your house.
[Leon] The phone is lighting up,
so let's take a call.
Hey, what's happening? This is
Leon Phelps. You got The Ladies Man.
- [Woman] Hello, Ladies Man.
- Oh, it's a lady.
[Woman] I'm new to this city.
and I don't know too many people.
And I am painfully shy.
Yeah, you sound painfully shy.
Listen, this is what you should do.
Go to the bus station
or to a bowling alley...
and hang out
with no underpants.
- Trust me. It works.
- What?
You'd be surprised at how many men
will approach you. I know that I would.
Next caller, go ahead.
You got The Ladies Man.
[ Woman Over Telephone] Ladies Man.
I've been feeling really confused.
Yeah, that sounds good.
No, it's not good.
I'm in a relationship, but
I don't know if he is for real.
How do you know when
you're really, truly in love?
Don't worry.
When you're really, truly in love,
you will feel it
deep down in your pants.
Unless, of course,
you're not wearing any pants,
which is not uncommon
in my case.
What are you talking about?
I asked you about finding true love.
Yeah, that's right. You did. Listen,
I hope whatever I said was helpful.
Next caller.
You got The Ladies Man.
Next caller.
You got The Ladies Man.
Ma'am, I'm gonna have to put
you on hold, okay? Lad/es Man.
Listen, I don't care what you say.
Chlamydia is a soup.
It's my opinion.
I can have that if I'd like.
You don't have to argue. I've seen it
on the grocery store shelves.
Yes, I know that clam chowder
is not a venereal disease.
Don't argue with me about it.
I don't care if you are a doctor.
No, we promise there
won't be any more vulgar material.
You gotta get a thumb
and just stick it up in there.
Actually, get two thumbs up
in there, you know, like the Fonz.
Like this- Hey."
[ Chuckles]
There may be weird smells afterwards,
but don't worry. just take a shower.
Hey, go ahead, caller.
You got The Ladies Man.
[Man Narrating] No one knows
where Leon came from exactly,
but he started out life on
the steps of a majestic mansion.
The master of the house
was a great man...
who surrounded himself
with the world's most beautiful objects.
He had everything he wanted,
except a son.
Young Leon was taken
into this world...
and raised as one of their own.
And in that warm
family environment,.
Leon developed into quite
a stylish young man.
He learned everything a bright kid
would wanna know about--
stereo systems
and, of course, love.
In this magical kingdom,
the king shared everything
with him.
Only one thing was off-limits.
But Leon being Leon,
the day arrived when the benevolent
proprietor and Leon parted ways.
Poor little Leon
was thrown out into the cold,
much like Moses
in the days of old.
After that it Wash "t easy
for the little man, but he got along.
He always did.
Not because he was smart
and not because he was rich,
but because...
the ladies loved Leon Phelps.
- How did he do it?
- [ Bar Patrons In Unison] Hey, Leon.
Well, I guess you'd better
ask the man yourself.
Lester, how come you tell that story
every time we walk into this bar?
I don't know. Maybe there's somebody
out there who don't know you.
Yeah, right. It's the same five
or six people in this place.
- How'd your show go tonight?
- Oh, yeah, good question.
Um, same old, same old.
Leon Phelps is a genius.
Yeah, same old angry calls
from our listeners...
and same old threats
from the boss.
[Leon] But listen,
for every hundred angry calls we get,
there is somebody
that I helped.
Ain't that right,
Scrap Iron?
Huh? Yeah.
Leon single-handedly saved
my second and fourth marriages.
- Mm-hmm.
- That's right. And it was Leon...
who taught me I didn't have
to be ashamed of my body.
[Men Hooting]
Thank you, Candy. You see, I like
to help people. That is what I do.
You know,
lam like Mother Teresa,
but of boning,"
you see what I'm saying?
Listen, Julie, you are now
in the world of Leon Phelps, okay?
Everything will work out.
Trust me.
Thank you, Scrap.
And besides that, Julie,
you have to learn...
that there are more important things
in life than work.
- Can I help you?
- Martini with lemon.
So excuse me while
Leon Phelps shows you...
how he brings home
the bacon.
That's my cue.
I'm out of here.
Yeah, I know. It's a heartbreak,
ain't it, girlfriend?
I mean, when's it
gonna be our turn, right?
You know, you and me
are exactly alike. Eerie.
- See you later, Scrap Iron.
- Bye, baby.
- Bye, Lester. See you tomorrow, Leon.
- Bye, sweetie.
There goes Julie Simmons.
I bet you're wondering what a nice girl
like that is doing in a place like this.
That's exactly what I was wondering
one night about two years ago.
Do me wrong
Do me right
Do me right, baby
,1' Tell me lies ,1'
- Bourbon, up.
- [Continues]
Let me help you with that.
There you go.
Listen, I was wondering,
can I ask you a question?
Was your father
a meat burglar?
Here's why I ask.
Because it looks like somebody...
stole two fine hams and shoved them
down the back of your dress.
[ Lester] And then it happened.
She started laughing.
Kept on laughing.
I thought she was crazy.
They talked and laughed
on into the night.
Leon didn't go home with her,
but he took home her business card.
She said she was in radio. Said
she wanted to put Leon on the radio.
That was two years ago.
I guess she packed
her wedding dress away...
for another day.
Listen, seriously, Lester.
Can you take a break for a second?
I'm trying to concentrate
over here.
[Scrap] Leon, {think
she gonna be a tough shoe to polish.
[Leon]
Au contraire, bon jour.
Let me give you
the play-by-play.
{will probably begin
with a very classy first line.
Something like--
Say, sweet thing,
can I buy you a fish sandwich?
Mm-hmm.
And then I will commence to
whisper sweet words in her ear.
Something like--
Man, I'd like to take a bite
out of your butt.
And then I will close the deal
by giving her a preview of...
- the goods.
- [Zipper Unzips]
[ Chorus]
Hallelujah
[ Scrap ]
The day you pick up that pretty woman,
that's the day I believe
a wet bird don't fly at night.
Yeah? Well, get ready to see
a wet bird fly at night, my friend.
[Chuckling]
Say there, sweet thing.
Uh, I have a question.
Could I--
- Hey, swinger. I've got an idea.
- Yeah?
My husbands away.
Let's go back to my place.
So you don't want
a fish sandwich?
Okay, that's cool, I guess.
But listen.
- My car doesn't exist, so- Yes.
- Shut up.
The bus is what
we'll be taking.
- Hey! Hey, man! Hey!
- [Leon Continues]
[Panting, Grunting]
[Panting, Grunting]
[ Soul, Muffled]
- To the left'. Yeah. just like that.
- Like that?
[ Man ]
Honey, the front door.
Barney, is that you?
Well, it isn't the Orkin man.
I'll be right there.
You'll never guess
what happened.
I was cleaning up
the broom closet,
and it was so stuffed
with crap.
So I opened the door...
and it was like,
" Uh-uh-uh-uh.
Don't open that door, McGee.
'Cause all that stuff...
just came tumbling down
all over me.
- Do you have a man in there with you?
- Oh, yes!
Oh, yes! Oh, yes!
Don't stop.
- Cheryl
- [Bedpost Banging]
Oh, don T stop!
Oh, don "t-
Listen, baby, that was cool,
but I gotta go.
No!
Wake up!
It is 2:30 in the a.m., and you are
listenin' to The Ladies Man.
All right. So let's take
some more calls. Go ahead, caller.
Hello? Am I on?
Yes, you are.
What seems to be your query?
Uh-
Well, look, I've never called
a show like this before,
but I'm in-
I'm in really bad shape.
I was, uh- I was kind of hoping
that you'd help me out.
Well, we'll see
what we can do.
[ Barney]
So, I came home last night,
and what do you know.
My wife of seven years was
in the sack with another guy.
- Yeah, that sounds good.
- No, it's not good.
I-I saw the guy.
I saw him running--
running down the street.
He had this, like, smiley...
tattoo thing on his, uh,
on his, uh-
Okay, sir, listen.
We're gonna take
a break right now.
We'll be back in a few moments
with the answer to our survey,
What is your favorite hole?"
Thanks for calling.
..-~...-~ [jazz On Television]
[Groaning]
I don't wanna talk.
I just came to pick up my-
[ Rubbing Crotch Rapidly]
- Barney'.
- [Keys Clattering]
[ Continues]
No! No!
[Stammering]
It's not what you think.
Way to go, Leon.
You really are a class act.
Well, what can l say, baby?
The ladies, they love Leon Phelps.
[Laughing] What ladies?
Who are these women?
And why do you feel like you
have to sleep with all of them?
Um, let me see.
Have you ever had sex?
Yes, Leon, I've had sex.
- Yes, well, there you go.
- [Laughing]
That's delightful.
- Yea h.
- It's exactly that kind of language...
that's gonna get you
kicked off the air-
- Mr. Kent.
- Yes!
You certainly seem
in good spirits today.
I didn't think it showed.
I just got a letter
from the F.C.C.
So I suppose you could say I'm full
of contentment and cheer.
What do you mean?
I'm sure you're aware
your little friend, Leon Phelps,
has always been a thorn
in my side.
He's unprofessional.
He drinks on the air.
He has a little sip
of cognac now and then, but-
I would have fired him years ago
if he wasn't such a-
such a favorite with
the owner of the station.
I don't know what
she sees in him.
But I finally decided to
go over her head about this...
and straight to the F.C.C.
And if Leon Phelps is responsible
for even one more...
tiny little fine,
I get to fire him.
[Chuckles]
Well, we haven't had
a fine in weeks.
Leon's completely
cleaned up his act.
- Oh, is that a fact?
- Caller, you got The Ladies Man.
Yeah, you see,
what your problem is...
is that you suffer from,
um, homo-un-erectus.
Which means, basically, that
your Wang is " hugeified"
not by a woman but by a man.
Well, you never know. I mean, some
nights the F.C.C. doesn't even listen.
- Really?
- No! [Laughing]
They listen all the time.
Probably listening now.
What's up? Bucky Kent is visiting us
in the station. How you doing?
[ Chuckling]
Well, I guess he can? stick around.
But you still got Leon Phelps.
I'm sticking it out here.
We gonna take a break.
We gonna be right back.
- Leon--
- Don't let Bucky get you all upset.
- He is just jealous.
- Leon, I think he's serious this time.
He said that the radio station
wont pay for any more of your fines.
I tell you what I'm gonna do. We only
got three minutes left for the show.
I'm just gonna ease my way out. Play
a little music. No more phone calls.
And you'll see by tomorrow
Bucky Kent will be all cooled down.
- You promise?
-Julie, come on.
The one person you can trust
is Leon Phelps.
- Okay.
- Kiss me. Kiss me!
- Stop it.
- [ Huffs]
What's happening?
You got The Ladies Man,
Leon Phelps here, and I am looking
at a half-empty bottle of Courvoisier,
which means that we are
just about out of time.
But before I go, I'd like to
leave you with just one more thought.
This is a little something
that I wrote.
And I read:
What is love?
What is this longing in
our hearts for togetherness?
Is it not
the sweetest flower?
Does not this flower
of love...
have the fragrant aroma
affine, fine diamonds?
Does not the wind
love the dirt?
ls not love not unlike
the unlikely not it is unliking to?
Are you with someone tonight?
Do not question your love.
Take your lover by the hand.
Release the power
within yourself
You heard me,
release the power.
Tame the wild cosmos
with a whisper.
Conquer heaven with one
intimate caress.
That's right.
Don't be shy.
Whip out
everything you've got...
and do it in the butt.
By Leon Phelps.
Let's go. Come on.
- Good distance.
- Yeah, not bad.
[ Leon]
Listen, Julie, I just wanna say...
thank you
for sticking up for me.
- Yeah, okay. Leon-
- Listen. You always stick up for me.
- Yeah, but Leon--
- You're the greatest, you know?
- Thank you.
- And another thing.
No matter what they do to me, they can
fire me from their radio station,
they can call me
all kinds of names,
they can make me get down
on my knees and beg for my job,
but the one thing
that they cannot take away...
from sweet Leon...
is his dignity.
So this is my fabulous yacht.
Or as I like to call it,
my personal " skankuary. "
I told you before, Leon,
it's not a yacht if you get mail there.
It's more like a trailer park
of the sea.
Yeah, well, even so,
this is what I like
to call the L.A. Forum,
because this is where
the magic happens.
And the magic just happened once
on that chair that you're touching.
I have performed the magic
once in that wastepaper basket.
You know, {actually had to get the
magic cleaned from out of this curtain.
That was along shot.
Wore me out.
- Let's get you into bed, okay?
- [ Groans ]
- Here.
- Officer, no.
Come on. Let's see
if we can get you into bed.
Watch it. Ow!
- I'm sorry,Julie.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait. Come on.
- I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
Listen, I handle my drink
better than today.
- I've seen you. I know.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry about the firing.
- It's okay just lie down.
- You deserve better.
- It's okay. We're gonna be fine.
- You should be with a professional.
Mrs. Robinson, are you
trying to seduce me?
No, I'm not.
In fact, I'm looking
around this place...
and I can't understand why anyone
would ever want to seduce you.
Turn off the lights
[ Leon]
That is why.
- ,1' Light a candle)
- You've gotta be kidding.
Mm-mmm.
[ Continues]
- [Julie] " Pina Colada Butt Lotion"?
- Mm-hmm.
Where do you even
find this stuff?
Mostly at K-Mart
and Wal-Mart.
And why do you have a water bed
when you live on a boat?
Oh, it's because there's
more motion in the ocean.
Come on in, baby.
The water's fine.
- So Julie?
- Huh?
Are we going to do it?
No, we are not going to do it.
I would hate to see you
as an old man, Leon.
You are gonna be
one sorry sight.
- Where you going?
- I'm going home.
The job search
starts tomorrow.
[ Door Closes]
Oh, boy.
- Smiley...
- [Keyboard Keys Clacking]
ass tattoo.
[Groaning]
Victims of the smiling ass.
" Have you seen this ass?"
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Welcome to the v.5.A.
Victims of the smiling ass.
We will have our revenge."
[ Man] Well, let me
tell you a little bit about WRQE.
We play all the biggest names
in soft rock and light jazz.
Folks like Enya, Yanni, Tesh.
I don't know if you've heard of a lady
who goes by the name of Celine Dion.
- [ Laughing]
- No, who is that?
I have to say I've heard of you, but
I'm not too familiar with your show.
I don't stay up
that late anymore.
- Do you have a tape I could listen to?
- I'm afraid we don't-
Yeah, actually, we do.
This should give you...
a good idea of what
we can bring to your station.
Fantastic.
Let's see
what we've got here.
You know, clinically speaking,
doing it doggy style has-
There's some racy stuff at the
beginning, but you can speed through it.
All right.
- [Tape Fast-Forwarding]
- Yeah.
Sounds like the answer for you
is doing it doggy style.
Just speed through.
Same stuff.
[Coughing]
Boy, excuse me.
Anyways, doggy style--
You can speed right through
that part too.
Yeah, see,
you was kicked in the scrotum.
Or as they say
in the medical profession, the ball sac.
You can skip
through that part.
Well, you know, the scientific name
is the Hershey Highway.
Speed on through.
Hey. But that
is the only tape.
The tape is important.
There's people looking.
That's not- Don't-
- Miss, uh, Simmons?
- Yes.
Uh, let's see.
[Humming]
Oh, very nice.
Very nice.
- Thank you.
- And, uh-
Mr. Phelps.
Yeah, that's me.
I'm presently in the process of getting
my resume typed up over at Kinko's.
- Kinko's. Good people. Nice.
- Yeah.
I see under " interests, "
you've written " Debit" ?
No, that's da" butt.
- "Da" butt?
- Yeah. And I also like tennis.
Good, good.
Well, Mr. Phelps,
today might be your lucky day.
Our morning anchor quit,
out of the blue.
And we are desperate for
someone to fill her old slot.
Well, that's no problem,
'cause I have a lot of experience
at filling other peoples slots.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
You mean you've filled
other people's slots before?
- Yeah, this morning.
- Fantastic. You got the job.
[Together]
Really?
Yeah, absolutely.
Well, welcome to WPJT Radio.
Well, welcome to WPT Radio.
[Angelic Chorus]
What's happening?
And welcome to The Ladies--
Uh, The Lord's Man Show.
Um- So, I understand
that you are a nun?
- Yes, that's right.
- Yeah, that's cool.
And how long have you been,
uh, nunning" it up?
For about 30 years now.
Yeah. Well, congratulations.
That's good.
Now, I understand
that your work...
takes you all around the world,
is that right?
Yes, that is correct. In fact,
I'll be leaving the country...
very soon to assume
a missionary position.
[Stammering]
I'm sorry. What was that?
I'm going to assume
a missionary position,
and I'll probably be holding it
for a very longtime.
Yeah, well, that's--
that's interesting.
Um- So, where will
you be holding this-
- Missionary position? In Bangkok.
- Yeah.
Bangkok. Yeah.
That's, uh, cool.
So why don't we talk
about something else.
Bangkok is lovely. In fact, I'm
looking forward to taking it all in.
[Leon]
Hmm.
- But it can get a little steamy.
- [ Swallows ]
Have you ever gone down
the Yellow River?
Yeah, once in the '805,
but I did not enjoy it.
What about
a missionary position?
Have you ever known the joys
of a missionary position?
Yeah, okay.
Here's a story I'm gonna tell you.
It goes a little something like this.
I was with these two girls,
right?
And so I was doing the twin sisters
and then her mother walks in,
and her mother
has a video camera.
So she puts it on the tripod
and she starts to ram it.
It was sort of
a missionary position--
[Siren Wailing]
Yeah?
Well, up yours too.
Oh, well,
on to the next one.
Next one?
There is no next one.
That's nonsense,Julie. There's
that kiddie station up in Wilmette.
Leon, we may never work
in radio again.
No, listen, Julie.
That is where you are wrong.
We'll get out of this mess.
Trust me.
Last time I trusted you, you told the
city of Chicago to do it in the butt.
Yeah. Well, there was no way to predict
that that was gonna end up so badly.
- But look, it'll be different this time.
- Whatever, Leon.
I need to think this through. You
call me when you come back to reality.
Don't you worry,Julie.
I'm a man of action.
I have a plan
for this type of thing.
There's only one thing to do.
I'm must go and have sex...
and wait for something
to randomly happen.
It'll work out, youll see.
It will randomly work out!
Score! Score! Score!
Yeah. Whoo!
Well, I just had sex, and-
- [Man] U.5. Mail'
- There's the random occurrence.
I hate the houseboat guy.
Hey, what's happenin'?
Shh.
I was bonin' a lady inside.
Say, look at this.
It's a telegram from Jimmie Walker.
- Really?
- Ooh, it says, Urgent."
" Deal"Leon. Stop.
The '70s are over. Stop."
Let me see that.
Here's your- Oops.
I seem to be dropping
all your mail.
- I guess I'm a clumsy mailman.
- You're a bad mailman.
- And this is not from Jimmie Walker.
- [ Mimicking Leon]
[ Sighs ]
Let's see here.
Gas bill.
Houseboat bill.
Electrical bill.
Ooh, what is this?
Ooh. It's a lady.
Dearest Leon,
I know it's been a long-
[ Continues, inaudible]
My back pressed against
the washing machine-
Money-
This is it!
[Julie]
Dearest L eon,
I know it has been a longtime since
we parted ways that fateful night,
but I still remember
the tender moments we spent together.
The feeling of your skin
pressed up against mine.
The feeling of my back pressed up
against the wall of the Laundromat.
I remember how you said
I was your one true love.
Time has changed nothing.
I want you even more.
And I have all the money we'll ever
need to make a fresh start.
Come back to me, Leon.
I'm waiting for you...
and I've never stopped
thinking of myself...
the way you always used to
describe me...
as your very special
Sweet Thing.
- You gotta be kidding me.
- Uh-uh.
This is the answer to
all your unemployment problems?
- Who is she?
- I don't know.
- You don't know?
- Uh-uh.
As you can see,
she did not sign her name,
so I guess she thought
I knew who she was.
Cuckoo, cuckoo.
Yeah.
All I know is that all my problems,
they are now solved.
Leon, all your problems will be solved
when you get a job like normal people.
How am I supposed to do that?
We tried every radio station in town.
Not every one.
I can still pull a favor, hopefully,
over at WAMS from Cyrus.
Cyrus Cunningham?
Your ex-fiance?
The one that dumped you?
The one with
the three-inch penis?
No,Julie, listen.
I can't stand the idea of you...
crawling back to that jerk
just because I got both of us fired.
Listen, baby, the answer
to all of our troubles...
is in this rich lady's letter
and her money.
Her money. Leon, this
is a love letter, not a lottery ticket.
- [ Groans]
- This is a woman who cared for you,
who you called
by a special pet name.
- Who you called-
- Hey, sweet thing.
Hi. Can I get some more
waffles down here? Thank you.
I'm sorry.
What were you saying, sweet thing?
I'm, uh-
I'm sorry about the door.
Do I have the right place?
I was just-
Wow! You're huge.
We know who you are, Barney.
I think you'll be glad
that you decided to come.
What-What is this?
- These are people just like you, Barney.
-[All ] Hi, Barney.
They, too, have had
their lives shattered...
by the sight
of that man's ass.
I caught this mysterious tattooed guy
and my wife going at it...
in July, 1992.
Spring of '89.
December, 1994.
November of '95.
And then Apr of '$6.
[ Murmuring I
And then again
in June of '96.
And then twice more
on January 15,1997.
And three more times
in the spring of '99--
Arbor Day, Cinco de Mayo
and Flag Day.
That's Hal. Don't
make any sudden moves around him.
It's all right, man.
What about you?
I mean, what's your story?
It was April, 1990.
I was in training
for the U.S. Olympic Team.
My Sport:
Greco-Roman wrestling.
My wife and I didn't
have a perfect marriage.
Maybe I didn't
understand her needs.
But she definitely
didn't understand my passion...
for wrestling.
She didn't understand why Brian,
my wrestling partner, and I...
trained constantly.
She didn't understand
the thrill any man would feel...
after grabbing a big,
husky guy like Brian...
and pinning him down
to the ground...
until he squirms and squeals
like a little piglet.
[Men Coughing, Murmuring]
[Clears Throat]
One night,
I went out to train...
at-at Brian's.
I returned home only
to find my wife lying there...
with a faraway look.
I noticed an open window,
and out of it I saw our man
running through the parking lot.
I wouldve chased after him,
but I was too sore.
From the training.
- [Chattering]
- [ Man ] Of course, the training.
Right. After that, I discovered
there were others like me,.
and I formed this group.
The point is,
we may not know his name,
but we're onto him.
And one day, he'll slip up.
And when he does, we're gonna
be there to nail him...
and cut his balls off!
- [All Groaning]
- Okay, sorry. Sorry, everyone.
Maybe we won't
actually go that far.
That's yucky.
Well, you don't have to wait
for him to slip up.
He already has.
'Cause when he ran
out of my apartment-
Look!
He's a circus clown!
Yeah, we already know
about the clothes.
He runs out of all
of our houses bare-assed, you know.
The clothes really
haven't given us anything.
[Sobbing]
What?
Damn it!
I mean, there must be some way
to catch this woman's dude.
Gentlemen,
- prepare for battle.
- [All Cheering]
Listen up, everybody.
This will be...
our general area
of our search, okay?
Now, years ago
I was in the army,
and we spent a lot of time
in this area here.
The army, they called it Asia,
but I like to call it
Freaky-Deeky Sex World.
Scrap Iron, you're my man.
This will be your area.
[suggest that...
you stick to the back streets
and the whorehouses.
- I'm right on it.
- Good'.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Scrap, wait a minute. Leon.
This postmark is from Chicago.
- [Candy] Hey.
- Let me see that, Lester.
If the lady lives right here
in Chicago, that ought to be easy.
I mean, you could find all the women
you been with in town, right?
That's a very good question,
Candy. Yes, I can,
because I have written the names of all
of my very special sweet ladies down...
in this, my black book.
- Look at that thing.
- And in addition to that,
I have made these photocopies
for you all to take a look at.
- That's for you, Lester.
- You have any idea who this woman is?
Yes, I do, because
when I read this letter...
I hear a voice
that I connect to a face.
And because I have
what is called 20-20 memory,
that tells me that this is
my very special Sweet Thing.
Leon Phelps.
- You miserable, fatheaded jackass.
- Theresa!
What the hell are you doing here?
I hoped you were dead.
No, I'm not dead. Surprise.
- Ew!
- What?
You expect me to let you stick your
tongue in my mouth after two years?
Yes, I do.
Ooh, Courvoisier.
Let's have a drink.
Come on in, baby.
This is nice.
Leon, why haven't
you called me?
This is the thing. They kept changing
all those collect call phone numbers,
so it became really difficult
for me to use the telephone.
- Shut it up. I can't believe this.
- Okay.
I meet you under the stands at a dog
track. You sweet-talk me into leaving.
Next thing, I'm busting slobs with you
in a bathroom of a Chuck E. Cheese.
You called me
your sweet thing.
Wait a second. It says here
we did it in a Laundromat.
- What?
- Yeah.
Didn't you send me a note about getting
together and sharing your money, love?
Mistakes
are sometimes funny.
Listen, I could really
use that drink now.
All right, that's nice.
I got everything but the glass.
- Rot in hell, Leon.
- Yes, I heard you the first time.
No, no, no, no, no.
I hope you burn in hell.
- Yes, duly noted.
- Rotting and burning.
- Yes, in hell. I got you.
- Your mother looks like Florida Evans!
Listen, there's no reason
to go there.
You mud duck!
Quack on.
[ Soul, indistinct]
Hey, Sandra, it's me, Leon.
What's happening?
A)" f Soul ]
- Hey, Margie. What's up? It's Leon.
- Hi.
How you doing?
Good to see you.
I'm sorry to interrupt you.
Yeah, I know you gotta go.
- Listen, did you write this letter?
- What?
No? Okay. Go on up there.
Have a good time tonight.
Play some AI Green and smack her
on the ass. She likes that.
Hey. How you doin'?
Hey, what's happening, Evelyn?
I remember-
That was not a good idea.
[ Over P.A.]
What's happening, Chicago?
Ladies, if you are rich
and I boned you,
could you please meet me
at the nacho cart?
Also, if you are rich
and you want to be boned,
would you please meet me
at the nacho cart?
- Hey, Lester.
- I stepped in a time machine.
Look at this place.
This place is disgusting.
You don't have to stay long.
just long enough to meet Leon.
I'm telling you,
he's just what your station needs.
- Leon, this is Cyrus.
- Cyrus Cunningham.
Yeah, this is the guy
that dumped you.
You're a lot shorter than I expected.
But the hair and the shoes help out.
Well, Julie, sweetheart, I said
I would meet your friend, and I have.
I wasted a lot of my time
in the process.
Obviously, you haven't grown up much
since our little mistake.
Look, Cyrus, why don't you
just listen for a second?
WAMS has done quite well
without the help of rejects...
and winos and ditsy women who think
they can run with the big boys.
If you need a temp job, let me know,
okay? Gotta go. Love your place.
Listen, don't talk
to Julie like that.
Excuse me.
What was that, little man?
I said that you don't talk
to Julie like that.
[Cyrus Chuckles]
Don't push up on me
in front of your peeps, okay?
Don't let the smooth taste fool you.
I'm from the streets.
Oh, yeah?
Well, I still live in the streets...
and will occasionally
find myself waking up in the streets.
That's right.
That's right.
Gentlemen, there will be
no fighting in this bar.
All right, fine.
We can take it outside.
Listen, I'm sorry.
We-We got off on the wrong foot here.
Um, why don't we just
let bygones be bygones?
Whatever you say, sugar.
That's fine with me.
Listen, how about you have a- I'd
like to offer you a pickled pig's feet.
I don't think so.
[Scrap]
Come on, johnny Mathis.
- You said you from the streets.
- Yeah.
Yeah, well, Julie told me
that while they were datin',
there were some things that
Cyrus didn't have a taste for.
[Bar Patrons Laughing]
- [ Leon] Interesting.
- [Cyrus] Hey, hey, hey.
It ain't no thing, all right?
It ain't no thing.
I was raised on pig's feet.
I can eat this. Fine. I can eat it.
If this is what you want, fine.
- This is what you want me to do?
- Mm-hmm.
Just to impress you and the rest
of the Sunshine Band, I'll eat it.
[Leon]
That's fine.
See? I'll eat it here. Cut it up a
little bit and eat it like that. See?
There.
Perhaps you thought I'd recoil
from your bar food, but-
- You want some pickled eggs?
- I'd love some pickled eggs.
One pickled dish at a time.
Why are we gonna--
Okay, I'll stay
for one pickled egg.
Look, everybody. People
are actually eating the bar food.
[ Scrap ] All right, boys, eat up.
The food is free.
- It disappears.
- Pick/ed egg you want, you got.
[Scrap] This ain't the welfare.
This is the good stuff
- Mmm.
- Mmm, mmm, mmm!
- Hey, how about some prairie oysters?
- Ooh, prairie oysters!
- They are really good.
- Come on. Bring it on. Let's go.
- Look like a chitlin to me.
- Prairie oysters. Mmm!
Oh, yeah, look at that.
Oh, yeah, it's fresh.
This is gonna be so good.
I haven't had these since yesterday.
- M m m!
- [ Woman] It's an acquired taste.
[ Scrap ]
Take your time.
[Bar Patrons Groaning,
Chattering]
Hmm?
Good, huh?
- Spicy hog balls.
- [All Groaning]
[ Man]
Not the hog balls.
Spicy hog balls.
Where'd you find these?
Ooh, look at that.
They got two balls.
And they going right down here.
Mmm! Mmm!
Oh! Yes, indeed.
Look at them.
Eat all you want, boys.
Eat all you want.
[ Man ]
Show him how to do it, Leon.
Mmm'.
Mmm, mmm, mmm'.!
How you boys doing?
So, is that it?
I've eaten more exotic foods
than that.
- How about a piece de resistance?
- Hmm.
- Back-bottom gristle lumps.
- [ Candy] Special of the house.
Practically nobody eats these.
- I don't remember those on the menu.
- Oh, these are good.
These are new.
The best!
- These are mine.
- No, no, no. No way. No way!
- They're mine.
- Get the hell off of them!
Jeez!
[Scrap] Don't be fighting
over gristle lumps. Come on, now.
There you go, now. That's a nice one.
That's a nice one.
- just some gristle lumps.
- Gristle lump you want, you got.
- I got your gristle lump.
- [All Groaning]
- Savor the flavor.
- Mm-hmm.
[Scrap]
Got some hot sauce to go with that too.
- Mmm. I did it.
- That's right. You sure did.
- I did it.
- You did it. I'm proud of you.
I did it. I did it!
[Laughing]
I've never seen anything
like this in my life.
- Boy, you just done ate some shit.
- [Al/Laughing]
- Some what?
- You just ate some human shit.
Human shit?
Human shit?
Why would you
bottle human shit?
What possible holiday would you
bottle human shit for?
- [Scrap ] Funniest idea yet!
- You people are sick!
That's the first time
it's ever worked.
We scored so big.
You know that that was
our last chance at a steady paycheck.
- Mm-hmm.
- But I feel good. I feel real good.
Well, that's good,
because listen, there's no way...
that I was gonna let that dude
disrespect my Julie twice.
So, listen, excuse me.
I will be going to the bathroom
to puke up a hog ball.
Gentlemen, we've been waiting
for this day for a longtime.
- [ Murmuring]
- This man, this Lad/es Man,
thought he could take something
from us, something we hold sacred.
- Our manhood. Was he successful?
- [All ] No!
No, he was not. Why?
Because we're men among men.
- That's right! Yeah!
- Super men!
And from this moment on,
I declare our supreme manliness!
[ Cheering]
I feel like this
is something really special
Something tells me
this is truly grand
I've got a brand-new lease
on life now
And it's all because we're
gonna get The Ladies Man
[All ]
That's right!
All at once the search
is truly over
Everything is happening
as planned
I hope he's naked
and good-looking
And it's all because we're
gonna get this Ladies Man
That's right!
When we catch him,
we're gonna cut his balls off.
I don't know
what I'm feeling;
I never felt
like this before
I want to sing
from a mountaintop
And let my true heart soar
Going UP-
[Elevator Bell Dings]
I can't believe
it's finally over
All of my dreams
are near at hand
I'm gonna kill
that dirty bastard
I'm gonna kill
that dirty bastard
The time has come
to kill The Ladies Man
The time has come
to kill The Ladies Man
His name is Leon Phelps.
I fired him a week ago.
Say, is that a picture
of him over there?
Yes. Yes, it is.
That's your man.
That's, uh-
That's Leon Phelps.
[ Lance]
Leon Phelps.
Where might we
find this Leon Phelps?
Oh, you might
try his houseboat,
or that gin tank
called Lester's Lounge.
And when you find him, tell him
to come in and pick up this crap.
- What's this?
- Fan mail...
from all the sluts he's been banging
for the past couple of years.
A lot of these
are from my wife.
- [ Woman] You thought I wrote this?
- [Leon] Yeah, I did.
Sorry, Leon. I'm not really
interested in settling down right now.
- [Knocking On Door]
- You're on in ten minutes.
Excuse me.
I'll just be a minute changing.
This is a nice place. It looks
like you've finally made the big-time.
Yeah, my work is everything
to me right now.
That's why I couldnt dream
of settling down.
In fact, the only thing
that ever compared...
to the thrill
of my performances...
were those wild nights
we had together in bed.
Yeah, we did some pretty
messed-up junk.
- Hey, Leon.
- Yes?
I've got a crazy idea.
I've got a few minutes
before I go on.
Let's have a quickie
for old time's sake.
That's not a crazy idea.
I like that idea and I will support it.
Let's do it like we used to--
real nasty!
[Honking Horn]
Listen, maybe it's not a good idea.
We don't have the time to do this.
We'll do it real quick. Come on,
baby. You know what Bloopy likes.
- [ Honking]
- Okay, listen, Bloopy?
I'm about to go on.
I have to stay in character.
Now, give it to me, you stud.
- Take it easy there, Bloopy.
- Bloopy's gonna lick you all over.
Okay, listen.
I don't know.
Oh, what the hell.
I can't believe
it's finally over
All of my dreams
are near at hand
I'm gonna kill
that dirty bastard
The time has come
to kill The Ladies Man
The time has come
to kill The Ladies Man
That's right!
- Hal, why don't you just-
- Yeah.
[All Shouting]
[ Man]
He's not here, guys.
This stinks.
This stinks, he's not here
and this stinks
And we know why he's not here
because he's not
He's gone
[ Barney]
So, this is where he lives.
Well, tasteful.
Gentlemen,
let's torch it.
- Hey,
' Lets
[All Screaming]
We really didn't
think that through.
That place was full
of pleather and cologne.
[Lance] It was quite a thrill,
though, when it went up in flames.
Ah, gentlemen,
can I help you?
- A round of beers for my men.
- [All ] Yeah!
- There something else I can help with?
- I think there is. My card.
We're also looking
for this man.
His name is Leon Phelps.
- He also goes by The Lad/es Man.
- [All] Yeah!
- You guys friends of his?
- You might say that.
- [All Chuckling]
- We want to kill him.
Well, he doesn't hang out here.
[ Chuckles]
What would you want to kill a guy
like that for anyway?
He's a dangerous thief
of hearts.
He seduced my wife.
He screwed all our women!
[All]
Yeah!
- That's why you want to kill Phelps.
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that's why we wanna kill him.
And we're going to.
We're going to catch him
and cut off his tiny little pecker.
- You're not talking about-
- That's him!
[All Shouting]
Get him!
- See you later!
- [Barney] How does he do it?
- He's outsmarted us again.
- Lance, his little black book.
Oh, yes.
Oh,yes,
this is good.
This is very good!
[All Laughing]
- Why is it very good?
- It's the book of all of his numbers.
This is not cool.
This is unfair.
I did not do anything to deserve this.
[Crying]
My houseboat.
It's my houseboat!
[Screaming]
Why?
[ Conversation,
indistinct ]
Mm.
[Leon] This is how my uncle
taught us to drink tea.
You put your pinkie up.
Then take it to your lips, like this.
Julie.
Come on in.
Your friend Leon
has made some suggestions...
pertaining to us
and our love life.
I'm so glad you invited Leon here
to spend this time with us.
I didn't invite Leon--
As far as I'm concerned,
he can stay as long as he wants.
- [Edna] I'll drink to that.
- [Leon] I do too.
If you got some Courvoisier, we could
pour some of that in here too.
Julie, when am I
gonna see your room?
Julie, when am I
gonna see your room?
I am Julie's piano
I am Julie's piano
That's a song
I wrote for you.
Look, you got your nice
little stuffed animals there.
And look at that nice poster
of Rick Astley.
Okay, I told you
this was temporary.
- You don't have to tease me.
- Yes, I do.
I'd like to remind you,
young lady,
about the trailer park of
the sea line, my houseboat...
which I don't
have anymore.
Oh, man.
You know something, Julie? I'm
realizing that my life really sucks.
You know whose fault it is,
don't you?
It is the fault of the Wang.
I should cut this thing off.
- You're not gonna cut it off.
- I know.
That's the craziest thing
I've ever thought of.
But I just can't live
like this anymore.
I'm so tired of being
The Lad/es Man.
You know , you were never
The Ladies Man" to me.
- Really?
- Really.
No, to me you've always been
just plain old Leon Phelps.
A lonely, misguided...
idiot.
[Chuckles]
You know something Julie? Hmm?
I think that you
wrote the mystery letter.
[incredulous Laugh]
Yeah! Leon,
I've never had sex with you,
especially not
in a Laundromat.
Yeah, that is true.
You know what?
It wouldve been really nice
if you had written this letter.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
You know, a girl like you,
that's what I need.
I don't need
some crazy mystery lady.
Well, how could you find
a girl like me?
Yeah, how can I find
a girl like you?
She'd have to be single.
- That would be really nice this time.
- Yeah.
And she'd
have to be attractive.
- Yeah, well, you have that.
- [ Laughs ]
She'd have to have parents that
wouldnt throw you off the porch.
Yeah, that would
be really nice.
And she'd have to have
known you long enough...
to finally realize what a wonderful
person you're capable of being.
Julie, can you
do that again?
,1' All this time ,1'
Like the stormy sea
Reaching for the sky
I' thiS time f.
That's it.
- That is it.
- What? What?
Del an e.
DeLune!
DeLune, DeLune.
Honey DeLune!
Sweet Thing
is Honey DeLune!
That is it!
Oh, my God!
lam rich!
Look out, Chicago!
The Ladies Man is back!
Yes!
[ Lester Narrating] Well, there
goes Leon Phelps, chasing his dream.
But here's a funny thing
about running after a dream--
sometimes what you were dreaming
about was in front of you all along.
Lester, could you just shut up and
give me the number for Honey DeLune?
Right.
Just thought you could
use a little advice.
Okay.
5, 9--
[Ringing]
- Hello?
- Guess who, Sweet Thing!
- Leon? Leon Phelps?
- [Chuckles]
That's right, baby.
It's your Laundromat love machine.
Oh, my God! It is!
- So you got my letter, right?
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, when so much time
went by, I thought...
maybe you didn't want
to have anything to do with me.
- I guess that was silly, huh?
- Yes, it was.
- [ Laughs]
- It was downright stupid, baby.
Ever since
we last saw each other,
- I have had this aching in my soul.
- Oh, you did?
Yeah. How about I come over there and
go to town on your money and your ass?
Oh! Heh-heh!
Oh, uh, Leon, you're gonna have
to give me a little bit of time.
- What the hell for?
- To tie up some loose ends.
Baby, I want to leave my whole life
behind and run away with you.
How does a trip around the world
sound for starters?
- Are you paying for it?
- Of course.
- Well, that sounds good.
- Wonderful.
Um, come by and pick me up
tomorrow night. Okay?
All right. Sure, Sweet Thing.
Ha ha!
[ Beeps Off]
- You talking on the phone just now?
- No, sweetheart.
Good.
- Nice try, my friend.
- Hello, Mrs. DeLune.
Hi, Brian.
Here comes the pterodactyl.
Hope you like it.
[Grunting, Groaning]
- ,1' Who's that lady)
- ,1' Who's that lady)
- ,1' Beautiful lady);
- Hey!
- Yo!
- What's up, Aloysius?
- My main man!
- I need some new stuff.
- Man, I got you covered, baby.
- This is all right.
- This is the darkest brown you got?
- Yeah.
- German chocolate. Can't get no deeper.
- Yeah. Aloysius...
- I think you got a deal.
- Yeah. Mm!
Mm!
Get up
on the downstroke
- ,1' Everybody get up ,1'
- Yeah.
- Get up on the downstroke
- That's fight.
- Get up on the downstroke
- Mm-hmm. Player of the year.
- You the man now.
- Get up on the downstroke
- ,1' Everybody get up ,1'
- Cleaner than a broke-dick dog.
- [Men] Hey, Leon!
- Yeah, that's right. It's me.
Hey, there, Leon!
[All Exclaiming]
- You like that?
- I don't believe this.
Custom-made, $100.
- You look like Monkey D.
- Thank you very much.
I just got off the phone
with my Sweet Thing.
She is gonna take me
on a trip around the world.
[ Candy]
Wow! Where you gonna go, Leon?
Well, basically,
around the world, you know.
We'll go to Paris, of course.
We might go to France.
Acapulco, Sweden,
maybe the Solomon Islands.
- You know.
- Well, Leon, you finally made good.
That's the way I like
to look at it, you know.
When a man works hard
all his life...
and dorks hundreds of ladies,
many of whom he don't even remember,
you'd like to think that
at the end of the day...
he'll be given a lot of money
without having to earn it.
[ Scrap ]
I believe that, yes.
So, yes, I think I have found
true happiness. And I raise my glass.
- To happiness.
- [Leon] To happiness.
- [Scrap] Happiness.'
- Thank you.
Mmm!
That is good Courvoisier.
I would love to stay and have
another one, like I usually do,
but I cannot keep the future
Mrs. Leon Phelps waiting.
So I bid you adieu. See you
on the other side of the tracks.
- Take care of yourself.
- All right, Scrap.
Julie,
you made it just in time.
I'm on my way to see
the girl of my dreams.
Yeah. Now, that's
what I'm talkin' about.
[ Sighs ]
Leon Phelps.
- Damn!
- Baby, what happened to your face?
This is nothin'. lt's just one
of those Biore patches, that's all.
Sorry about that.
I brought you some flowers.
They look and feel plastic,
but they smell real.
And also I bought you a box
of my favorite Mexican wine.
- It's a little heavy.
- [ Laughs]
Well, you've always
been so... giving.
- Mm.
- Why don't you come on in?
I will. This is my house,
after all. Right?
I mean, this is my statue,
and this is my carpet.
This is my mirror.
That's my urn.
And that is my frieze.
Why don't you go have a seat in the
living room, and I'll fix you a drink.
Yeah, that sounds good.
Let me see if
I remember- Cour-
Courvoisier, yes.
That is the drink.
Yeah. This is a nice place
you got here.
It's no houseboat,
but it's nice.
Can we sell it? [Laughs]
just kiddin'.
My God, this is a butt-load
of cash you got here.
- Is this ours?
- Well, it's ours now.
Well, that's nice, but you should
put that in a safer place,
like a bank or somethin'.
Stop talking.
- I want you to take me, wild man.
- Now?
Yes, now. My husband
won't be back for hours.
- Your husband.
- Yeah. It's no big deal.
You might have to kill him,
but I don't think it'll come to that.
You better be sure it's safe, because
I can guarantee if it was not safe...
I would never do something
of this nature.
Because over the years
I have learned to not do...
- unsafe things, you understand.
- [Sniffs]
- Because-
- Shut up and kiss me.
Okay, listen,
this is very nice, but-
Okay-
Hey, macarena
Listen,
this is not cool.
Why don't we talk first?
We never get to really- Whoa!
- We're never gonna catch this guy.
- Calm down, Barney.
You've gotta take that
defeatist attitude and subdue it.
Wrestle it to the ground.
Pin its-its
well-oiled and...
musky form down hard.
Let it feel your-your...
soft breath on-
on the back of its neck.
[Murmurings]
[Clears Throat]
I mean-
You know what I'm...
trying to get at.
- Oh, yeah. Oh, sure.
- You bet.
- [Honey] Yes! Yes! Yes!
- [Leon] No, no. No.
- Listen, I can't do it.
- What?
- I can't do it. It's not workin'.
- It looks fine.
Oh, no, that is workin'.
Yeah.
But I can't do it.
Somethin' is wrong.
You see, I--
I know I'm in control
of my personal world.
- [ Murmurings]
- Nothing will ever violate my--
my personal space.
That's for sure.
Whoops. Butterfingers.
[All Chuckle]
Let me just grab these keys,
and we'll be right inside.
Something is wrong.
I can't do this.
- You know, I think that I'm in love.
- What?
Yeah. When you sent that letter,
all I could think about was the money.
But then when we started to do it, all
I could think about was Julie's face.
I don't mean like thinkin' about some
hot chick when you're bonin' a skank.
- This was sensitive.
- [ Exasperated Sigh]
Gentlemen, please step into
the serenity...
of my beautiful foyer.
- All right.
- All right.
Listen- Listen, Honey,
I don't think this is a good idea.
- I'm tell/'ogy0u--
- [Kissing] Remember ho w--
Yeah, I know--
Gettin' it together.
[ Nervous Chuckle] Hi, sweetheart.
Have you met Leon Phelps?
- Yeah, what's happenin'?
- [ Murmuring, Wailing]
- [Lance] Son of a bitch!
- Don't say son of a bitch."
That's not nice.
What's wrong with you fellas?
- Oh, my God!
- [All Murmur]
- [Man] My wife had that?
- Yeah, she did.
- [ Groans]
- I can understand you bein' angry,
but you can't blame
the Wang.
- Well, he's got a point.
- I mean, that's a beauty.
Kill him!
- Yeah!
- Yeah! No!
Yeah, you heard what he said.
No!
I've waited longer for this
than anyone.
Gentlemen... he's mine.
- And he's dead.
- Yeah! Yeah!
[ Scrap ]
Don't drink so much whiskey, girl
It ain't no good for you
You know you're too pretty, girl
You don't know
what whiskey can do to you
Talk to her, Lord.
Please talk to her.
I told you
we were a lot alike.
It's all right, baby.
Men are pigs.
The only way to deal with them
is booze.
Booze... and penicillin.
I swear, I never thought
I could be taken in again...
by another insincere man.
Easy. Easy, girl. That's one
rambunctious guzzle you got there.
I drank that one
for Leon's one true love.
Rot in hell,
Honey DeLune.
In hell!
Did you say that woman's name
was Honey DeLune?
That's what she said.
If that's her name,
Leon is in a whole lot of trouble.
Why is that?
That's the wife of the dude
who wants to kill Leon.
- Somebody wants to kill Leon?
- Mm-hmm.
' M'! Leon?
- '(up
[Men Chanting]
Lance! Lance! Lance! Lance!
Lance! Lance!
Lance! Lance!
Lance! Lance!
Lance! Lance!
Lance! Lance!
Lance! Lance!
- Lance! Lance! Lance! Lance!
- I am going to wrestle you.
You really don't
have to do this.
I was just saying to your wife Honey
that I'm a changed man.
And if I can have the self-control
to not bone a lady as fine as she is-
She can do that amazing thing
with her tongue--
that should be reason enough
to let me go.
[All Groaning]
[Chanting]
Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!
Oh, yes.
I'm going to enjoy this.
- [Chanting Dies Down]
- Oil?
- No, that's all right.
- Oh.
Well, I- I'm still
going to enjoy this.
But definitely not as much.
And that makes me angry.
-I am a master of Greco-Roman wrestling.
-[All] Yeah!
I will crush you,
and you will learn
a new definition of pain!
- Totally! Yeah!
- All right!
Sure you don't want a dab? It's
a lemon essence, and it is delightful.
- Mm.
- [Honey]Ah--
You'd better take the oil, Leon.
It's pretty rough without the oil.
- No, that's all right. Im good.
- Okay. Suit yourself.
And Lance, dear,
can you kick ass quietly?
10-4, apricot.
Now, Leon Phelps,
prepare to meet your doom.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
Cry havoc,
and set free the dogs of war!
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
Vengeance is mine!
Aa-aah!
[All Groaning]
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
Ooh!
- [Whimpers]
- [All 1 O-O-Ohh!
- Ow! You punched me.
- Yeah.
That is not wrestling!
Hello!
That is not wrestling!
Hello!
- [Grunts]
- [Weeping]
Boss, you want us
to let him go now, or-
- He's got a gun!
- What, are you crazy, round boy?
No, we don't let him go!
Get back in there!
This guys ruined my life!
Get me the bolt cutters.
- This man has stolen our manhood
- Cuckoo!
It's time to take it back.
- Cut his balls off!
- Wait a second!
- Aarrgh!
- Before you do what you're about to do,
there's something
I want to say, all right?
Now listen. All you men
here with wives or girlfriends...
or sisters or mothers,
yes, I did sex them up
a little bit.
- Kill him!
- There's something else I wanna say.
In most cases,
it was really good.
- [All ] Kill!
- No, hold on!
I didn't force myself
onto your women.
I simply gave them somethin'
that you all wasn't givin' them.
- Like Frank. You, for instance.
- Yeah?
- Your wife, she loves you, man.
- She does?
Yes. She always used to call your name
when I was rockin' on top of her.
- She did?
- Yeah. And Hal.
- Me?
- Hal, Hal, Hal.
All your old lady ever wanted was you
to spend time gettin' her in the mood.
- Really?
- Yeah. And you never did, did you?
- Say it loud.
- No.
You see?
And Lance.
Well, Lance, you're clearly gay.
There's nothing really else to say
about that. I think you all know that.
That's cool. But you were tryin' to
oil me up, and that's not really cool.
You all need to listen
to your ladies.
You need to say to her, Baby,
what is it that you want?
Or, Do you want
to do it in the butt?
No? Well, let's move onto somethin'
else. You just need to listen.
I know that now, because I,
too, have a woman that I love.
Her name is Julie,
and I never listened to her.
I was too busy trying to be
" Leon Phelps, The Ladies Man, "
instead of Leon Phelps,
the man.
- Leon--
-just a second,Julie, I gob-Julie!
That was beautiful.
You're not getting off
the hook this time.
- No, Lance, no!
- [Barney] Lance, Lance.
Nuts!
Al's right.
- Hey, hey! Watch it!
- He's not the prob/em.
l-I'm the problem.
Look what it's done to us.
- It's turned us crazy!
- [All ] Whoa! Whoa!
I'm sorry, Lance.
I'm going home.
[ Gun Thuds]
No-o-o!
No!
[All ]
Lance!
Lance!
Lance!
- I'm sorry. That was way too dramatic.
- [Relieved Laughter]
I'm actually with these guys.
You're all right in my book.
- See you later.
- Take care.
[ Chorus Vocalizing]
[ Lester]
Well, there goes Leon Phelps.
His days as the fastest and loosest Wang
in town may be over,
but it's not the end
of his story by along shot.
In fact, he got--
- Hi.
- Hi.
- [ Laughs] Let's go.
- Yes. Let's.
[ Lester Narrating]
In fact, Leon got his show back.
His popularity grew and grew until he
was one of the biggest deejays in town.
His face appeared on the nation's
most popular brand of hog balls.
Ladies Man became America's
number-one radio talk show.
Your husband is a little insecure
because he's retirin', that's all.
Don't worry. It's a passing thing.
Okay, Hillary?
Now, I will see you and Bill
this weekend. Okay? Bye-bye.
You're listening to The Ladies Man,
the coast-to-coast love line...
with all the right responses
to your romantic queries.
And I think we got time
for one more call.
- [Woman] Hello? Ladies Man?
- Hey, it's a lady.
How do you know when you're really,
truly in love?
That's a good question.
I can tell you how I felt
when I knew I was truly in love.
It happened when
I met someone...
that made everything
that I enjoy in life...
a little bit
more special.
Plus, I felt it
in my pants.
Well. that is
all the time we have.
Until next time,
this has been The Lad/es Man.
Get up on the downstroke
Everybody get UP a'
Everybody get UP a'
Get up on the downstroke
Yeah, yeah
0-0-Oh, baby
Oh,
I Baby' d'
Sexy situation
Givin' you old-school love
Ooh, yeah
Anything you can think of
'P Yeah, Oh -.---~...--~
All right
Yeah, yeah
,1' Yeah ,1'
Yeah, baby
J Oh',
Yeah, baby
Oo-oo-ooh
Right in front of me
Right before my eyes
,1' All this time ,1'
Like the stormy sea
Reaching for the sky
,1' All this time ,1'
,1' After all this time ,1'
I looked into your eyes
And I fell
so in love with you
- Hey, hey, hey
- You know it took some time to see
That you were meant for me
- .1' Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh
- 'P / was made for you...
,1' All this time ,1'
Right in front of me
Right before my eyes
Hey, yeah
,1' All this time ,1'
Like the stormy sea
Reaching for the sky
,1' All this time ,1'
Right before my eyes
Hey, yeah
,1' All this time ,1'
Like the stormy sea
Reaching for the sky
I' thiS time f.