The Last Horror Movie (2003) Movie Script
A breakout
at a maximum security...
correctional facility
in Illinois...
is this hour's
top news story.
Convicted serial killer
Harold Trattner...
is believed
to be amongst a group...
of 3
death row inmates...
who overpowered guards
whilst on transit...
from a holding cell
in Angola this morning.
Sheriff John Loomis
has issued a warning...
to area residents...
advising them not
to approach the prisoners...
under any circumstance.
Harold Trattner received
the death penalty 3 years ago...
for the massacre
of 6 teenagers...
during a summer camp vacation
in Vermont.
Deputies in Houston
issued an apology today...
to the British holidaymaker
they arrested last week...
in Miami.
70-year-old Derek Lambros...
Police
in Grand Rapids, Michigan...
have been unable to identify
the bodies of young man...
and woman discovered by children
in a Halloween costume store...
with their features carved away
and the man's genitals removed.
Police first identified
the victims as 2 women.
Sheriff John Schrader
refused to give details...
of the ghoulish case...
and said only that
he did have strong evidence...
linking the crime...
to this morning's
prison breakout...
in neighboring Illinois.
Hello?
Michael, are you ok?
You shouldn't
be watching that by yourself.
I told you it was scary.
Well, you just have to wait
till Mom comes home, ok?
Keep the lights on.
Ok, bye.
Hello?
Hello?
Kelly?
Cut it out, Kell.
This isn't funny.
Hello.
I realize this isn't
what you were expecting.
Let me explain.
The film you hired
from the video store...
I recorded over it.
But don't go switching off.
You didn't actually
miss very much.
The characterization
was 2-dimensional...
and, well, the dialogue
was, frankly, embarrassing.
I think you will find this
much more interesting.
You're interested now,
aren't you?
Go on, admit it.
Well, you hired a horror movie,
didn't you?
So, you wanted to see
something scary, right?
Don't worry.
I'll explain.
You'll understand everything,
I promise.
This is where
I did my first.
It's actually
quite a strange story...
how it happened.
It was, what,
about 5 years ago now.
I was walking across
Hammersmith Bridge...
when this guy in front of me
suddenly jumped off.
Well, I jumped in after him
and pulled him out.
Yeah.
Anyway, we sort of
became friends after that.
But it wasn't a particularly
healthy kind of friendship.
See, he'd had
a pretty unhappy life.
I'm not gonna go
into the details.
And I don't think he was
too pleased to still be alive.
But he sort of felt
he had to be grateful...
and I thought
I ought to be his friend...
even though he was
pretty depressing company...
to be perfectly honest.
It was about 6 months later...
and we were standing together
on this roof.
He dragged me up here to share
a few insights about the world.
And I was standing behind him...
wishing I'd never heard
of Hammersmith Bridge...
when I just thought...
well, A...
maybe I'd made a mistake by
pulling him out of the river...
Because all he ever talked about
was how miserable he was;
And B,
since I'd saved his life...
I sort of had
a few rights over it.
So, I walked right up to him
and pushed him over.
Do you just want to get a shot
pointing down over the edge?
Course,
they all thought it was suicide.
Anyway,
that's how I got started.
I'd say I do about 8,
maybe 10 people a year.
Men, women.
I don't really care.
The first couple of months
I went kind of mental.
I think I did
about 20.
But after that
I calmed down a bit.
Still, I wouldn't want you
to think that's all I do.
I'd probably be pretty boring
if it was.
I, Derrick Steven Morris.,,
I, Derrick Steven Morris...
take you,
Emily Jane Murphy...
take you,
Emily Jane Murphy...
to be my wife...
to be my wife...
to have and to hold...
to have and to hold...
One, 2, 3!
It's actually a nice way
to earn a living.
Free food, free booze.
I mean, it's not like
you're a waiter...
and it's the best place
in the world to meet women.
Look at them.
Nothing makes a single woman
feel less loved...
than watching
someone else get married.
I've had some pretty good times
at other people's weddings...
- I can tell you.
- Oi!
Do you want to start
filming us?
What do you think
I'm paying you for?
Sure, I'm sorry.
Who's he?
He's my assistant.
As long as I'm
not paying him, too.
Ok, what I'm
gonna show you now...
is the first time
I filmed myself doing someone.
To be honest,
I made a bit of a mess of it.
I'll just warn you
about that in advance.
Still, you can't just
show the triumphs, can you?
I mean, I'm not pretending
I had this down pat...
right from the start.
You have to work
at these things.
Ok, take 1.
This is Tim.
Say hello, Tim.
Tell them
what you do, Tim.
Tim is suffering from a bit
of stage fright just now.
He's an assistant manager
at a High Street retailer...
of consumer durables.
I'm not gonna say
which ones.
They don't pay me
for advertising.
He was getting along
nicely.
Weren't you?
No, no.
No, please.
It's not your lucky day,
is it?
No!
Well, like I said...
it was the first time
I filmed one.
Of course, I'd probably be right
in thinking you don't approve.
Me evil, you good, yeah?
That's fine.
I can take criticism.
I'm not sure
what you mean by evil, though.
Or maybe you think
it isn't my fault.
Maybe I watched
too many violent films...
when I was a child.
That one always
makes me laugh.
As if there weren't
people like me...
before films
were even invented.
And what about
everybody who saw...
"The Texas Chainsaw
Massacre"...
and didn't go out
and buy meat hooks?
No, take it
from someone who knows.
It ain't
the movies.
And I'm pretty sure
I'm not mad, either.
Usual, Max?
Oh, thank you, Joe,
that would be splendid.
Do have one
yourself.
Is he making
a film?
As a matter of fact,
I am making a film.
What's it about?
It's about life,
really.
And death.
Life sucks.
Death's not much better,
either.
Would you like
to do an interview with us?
So, your name is?
Bill.
Bill what?
Mullins.
So, it's 3:00,
and you're shitfaced.
Yeah.
Regular occurrence?
When I've got
the money.
So, life didn't work out.
No.
Do you consider yourself
one of life's casualties?
What?
Well, what if I said
I could end all your troubles?
Now.
How?
With this.
Well, if I shot you
in the head, for example...
that would be an end
to all your suffering.
Is this
for the film?
All I'm asking
is why go on living?
Well...
You said it
yourself.
Life sucks.
So, why stay alive?
Look, I don't want
any trouble.
Who said anything
about trouble?
I'm just asking you
a question.
In fact,
I'm offering you a service.
It's just something
I'm trying to understand.
Why cling on to something
that makes you miserable?
You think
I killed him.
I didn't kill him.
It was only
a replica gun, anyway.
To tell you the truth,
I actually felt sorry for him.
I just wanted
to ask him that question.
I want to ask
a lot of people that question.
I mean,
you see people all the time...
going around,
looking totally miserable.
And you wonder
why they go on.
It's like
relationships.
Well,
a lot of them.
You've got 2 people
who can't stand each other...
or at least who are
totally bored with each other...
which is probably worse...
and they just
cling on.
Like parasites.
I think a lot of people
don't want to accept that...
which is understandable,
but they ought to.
Are you waiting
for your mummy?
Yeah.
Well, she told me
to come and pick you up.
Do you want to be
a part of our film as well?
Ok.
Yeah?
Want me to carry your bag?
No, I'm fine.
You ok?
Want to hold my hand?
I've got my car
just down here.
There you are.
Where have you been?
He wanted ice cream.
Brilliant.
Now he won't want his tea.
Hey, Nico!
You're still doing
that wedding stuff, then?
Yes.
When are you
gonna get a real job?
Do you want to explain to me
what you mean by a real job?
I don't know.
Something
with a future, at least.
Oh, yes,
a future.
I've always wanted
one of those.
Can't you
take anything seriously?
My older sister Sam is,
as you can see,
concerned
I'm wasting my life.
Whatever.
Do what you want.
I am doing
what I want.
Are you doing
what you want?
What?
Well, all this.
The house,
the husband, the kids.
Is it really
satisfying?
I'm not
gonna have this discussion...
for the benefit
of your film, Max.
Go on.
You staying to dinner
or what?
I think
we should eat Nico.
You have to smash out the meat
fairly brutally...
to make it
nice and tender.
Oh, don't worry...
it's just
a little wood pigeon...
I'm preparing
for a friend of mine.
Just add a little stock.
Now a little bit
of wine.
You just want
to come a little closer?
Now we'll just
let that cook for a bit.
And then
we'll add some cream later.
Max!
That looks
absolutely delicious.
Tuck in.
Well, isn't your friend
going to join us?
He's not my friend.
He's my assistant.
And he's here
to help me make my film.
Have some potatoes.
What are you planning
to do with this film?
Oh, probably nothing.
It's just
a personal project.
What's the point?
Well,
that is the point.
Only you could
be mad enough...
to have someone constantly
following you around...
with a camera.
Thanks.
Great.
Bye, Petra.
Bye.
Petra's
one of my oldest friends.
We actually had a bit of a thing
with each other a few years ago.
Now we're just mates.
I think it's a good thing
we're not going out...
with each other
anymore.
We'd probably
kill each other.
Oh, here,
do you want some of this?
That was good work.
Well done.
Do you want
to give me a hand here?
But I'm filming.
Just put the camera down
and give me a hand.
Come on!
I wonder how long it'll take
before they find that one?
Come on.
Come on, get the camera.
Let's go.
Generally,
I try to mix things up a bit.
Victims, weapons, methods,
locations, circumstances.
Also, if you take
some money and stuff...
they think
the motive is robbery.
Now, obviously,
this means...
you have to keep
using your imagination...
but it also means that they
can't build up a profile.
I mean,
as far as I know...
they haven't even connected up
any of mine...
and I've done
at least 50 so far.
The problem is,
you don't get a lot of coverage.
You don't get
to really make a statement.
And that's why
I've decided to make this film.
I suppose you'll be thinking
I've exposed myself...
but don't worry.
I've thought of a solution
to that, too.
You may now kiss
the bride.
I can't believe
you did it, mate.
You wanker.
Give us another one of them,
will you?
How you feeling?
Mad.
Are you happy
to be married?
Yeah, I suppose.
You suppose?
I don't know.
Only did it
to shut her up.
Ritchie!
All right.
Duty calls.
I'm trying to make this film
not just about me...
but about life
in general.
I mean, you could look at me
and say I'm a predator.
And then
the question is...
what makes some people
the lions...
and others
the wildebeest?
Who decides that?
When are you gonna
do one?
Don't know.
You still want to,
don't you?
Aye.
It's important
that you participate fully...
in this project.
We discussed this,
didn't we?
Aye.
You don't want to stay
a wildebeest, do you?
Do you?
No.
Good.
Yes?
Hello.
What's all this?
He's making a film
with me.
Film?
Yes.
Oh.
Tea for you,
young man?
Please.
Milk?
Please.
Sugar?
One, please.
So, how are you?
How am I?
What's to tell?
Nothing to tell.
I'm fine.
Is your tea
all right?
Oh, it's fine,
thank you, Grandma.
And yours?
Fine.
So, when did
I last see you?
Let me see, now.
You never come around
to see your grandma.
What are you up to
these days?
I'm still doing
my filming.
Making any money
at it?
I get by.
Still doing...
what is it, the weddings?
That's right.
Your father
was exactly the same.
He never could
settle to anything.
Do you think it's
a family trait, Grandma?
Family trait?
I don't know.
Didn't come from my side
of the family.
That's for sure.
What the...
What the fuck
are you doing out there?
Get in here.
Brilliant.
You almost missed
everything.
Now, go down
and get a good shot of her.
I'm not going to say anything
flippant or ironic to you.
I know
you won't understand...
but I'm gonna explain a couple
of things to you, anyway.
You see that there?
We're making a film
of this.
We're trying to do something
that hasn't been done before.
Well, I've never heard of it
being done before.
We're trying to make
an intelligent movie...
about murder...
while actually
doing the murders.
Now, I know
that doesn't help you...
and it doesn't justify
what I've done...
but at least
it's interesting.
You see, that's the point,
isn't it?
See?
To try to do something
interesting.
The problem is...
it looks like you can't do
anything interesting...
unless you give people
a shock...
and you can't give people
a shock...
unless you do something
really horrible.
No, wait, wait, wait.
I haven't finished.
I was hoping to get some sort of
a reaction from her.
I mean, that would be something,
wouldn't it?
To get someone to see
the point of this...
while actually being
part of it, too.
Oh, now you really hate me,
don't you?
Well, that's fine.
But before you condemn me...
you ought to be able to answer
one question.
How much is a single human life
really worth...
compared to doing something that
hasn't been done before?
Everything?
Well, let's put it
this way.
If you sold your TV...
and gave the money
to some aid organization...
some child in Africa would live
a little longer, wouldn't they?
But you're not going to sell
your TV, are you?
So human life isn't quite worth
everything, is it?
I mean, it's not worth as much
as your TV, for example.
Now, would you have sold your TV
to save that woman's life...
given the option?
Well, if you think "yes"...
then why not
for the African child?
And if you think "No"...
then what are you giving me
a hard time for?
Well, it's about this woman...
who discovers that
she can listen in...
on other people's thoughts.
And at first
she thinks it's really cool...
and she starts listening in on
all her friends...
and she works out all these ways
of making money from it.
But then it all starts
to go wrong...
and she finds she can't stop.
What, she can't turn it off?
No.
It's like she becomes
addicted to it.
And?
Well, I haven't worked out
all the details yet...
but that's the basic idea.
Right.
Well, it sounds really
interesting.
Sounds like a nightmare to me.
Well, that's the point.
Imagine what would happen...
if we all knew what we really
thought about each other.
I'd go for it.
Oh, bollocks you would.
No, actually,
you probably would.
You'd have no friends.
But that's only if you couldn't
take what they were thinking...
which really means only if
you can't see yourself...
for what you really are.
Oh, the man of truth.
At least I'm open to it.
No, you're not.
You couldn't take what people
really think about you.
- I think I could.
- You sure about that?
- Absolutely.
- All right.
You've got this idea that you're
some sort of unique artist...
when in fact you're just a cunt
who shoots wedding videos.
Now you've got this idiot
following you around...
filming conversations
like this...
as if it was something, like,
fascinating and adventurous...
when it's just
4 drunk people...
sitting around
talking bollocks...
like people have always
talked bollocks.
It's a total sham.
Hey, well, you said
you could take it.
Oh, great.
That's fine.
I'm really not bothered.
You're not, are you?
No.
Yeah, that's what I like
about you, Max.
You do not give a fuck.
Actually, I do give a fuck...
but not about that.
You may say
I should give a fuck...
about this, for example.
I've lost my wife.
My children have lost
their mother.
I just...
I...
I just want to say
to members of the public...
that whoever did this is still
out there and must be...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That was the woman
I did in the kitchen.
Actually, I had a look around
afterwards.
I saw pictures of that guy
and 2 children.
She was young enough
to have parents...
not to mention siblings,
friends, colleagues.
That's a lot of people...
all smashed up
by something I did.
Now, why don't I care
about that?
I mean, I know
you care about it.
That's why you think
I'm a bad person.
But the thing is,
I don't care about it.
I didn't ask not to care
about it, but I just don't.
And if I don't care about it,
how can I think it's wrong?
And if I don't think it's wrong,
then why shouldn't I do it?
We're gonna try
a little experiment.
Just the man.
Onto the woman.
Onto me.
The question is...
were you at all curious to see
what was happening?
I know you don't approve...
and I'm not saying that
you do...
but were you absolutely sure...
without a shadow of a doubt...
that you weren't craning
a little to see?
Hmm?
Not even the teensiest bit?
Now, did you want to
see that or not?
And if not, then why
are you still watching?
All right, it's coming.
That is milk?
Yes, for you.
There you go.
He's always getting
that old film out.
I mean,
it was over 15 years ago.
Funny thing is, he never comes
with me to the cemetery.
He's... he's... Max naughty.
Yeah, he is.
Hello.
Max, do the tyrannosaurus!
Max!
Hey, guys, could you just be...
Max, for God's sake!
He's worse than
the both of them.
This is very good, darling.
Thanks.
What is it again?
Oxtail.
Now, Ben, that's not the way
we eat at the table, is it?
But I'm being a gecko.
You can be a gecko later...
but while you're eating dinner,
you're a human being.
But Max is being a gecko.
Well, sometimes adults
can be geckos...
when little boys can't.
I'm not disagreeing with you.
I just think you're making
too much of it.
I don't think I am making
too much of it.
He's a bad influence.
Oh, he was just being stupid.
So what else is new?
He's always being stupid.
Well, I don't need him being
stupid in my house...
when I'm trying to have
my dinner...
and I don't need him encouraging
disrespect in my children.
Oh, it was hardly that, John.
He disrespects everything,
including us.
You can either sit carping from
the sideline like he does...
or you can get
with the program...
and make something
out of your life.
I don't want my kids choosing
the first option.
Look, he's my brother.
I can't just tell him
not to come round.
I'm not saying
he can't come round.
He just has to learn to respect
our rules when he does.
She's all right, actually... Sam.
You may of course
be wondering...
why she decided to get married
to a complete wanker, but...
it's not so hard
to understand, really.
See, the thing is, she's more
like me than she likes to think.
I mean, she doesn't go around
killing people or anything...
but, well, she's kind of
not with the program...
when it really
comes down to it.
You should have seen the things
she did to me when we were kids.
The difference is...
it bothers her
that she's not with the program.
That's why she married John.
But I don't think
she's happy with him.
Ben and Nico, though...
they're great.
I mean, they're definitely from
our side of the family.
You can see that cunt John
trying to suck it out of them...
but they're too far gone
already.
They'll only end up
hating him for it...
and that'll be another battle
he's lost.
Well, I suppose I shouldn't be
too hard on him.
It's not his fault
he doesn't understand.
He just lacks the equipment.
It's the ones that have
the equipment...
that have to take
responsibility.
Big smiles, please.
That's great.
Good evening, ladies,
gentlemen...
members of Giles' stag party...
which, I can assure you...
having spent the weekend
with them...
do not come into
the first two categories.
Firstly, please forgive me.
I am a little nervous.
This isn't
the first time today...
I've got up from a warm seat...
with a piece of paper
in my hand.
When Giles asked me to be
his best man...
I said straight off, "No way."
He offered me 10 pounds.
I said I couldn't be bought.
He offered me 20 pounds.
I said, "Do you really think
I'm that cheap?"
He offered me 30 pounds.
So good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
My name is Crispin,
and I am the best man.
Come on. Nobody can see us.
Fiona, I just got married,
for Christ's sake.
So? It didn't stop us
when you got engaged.
That was different.
Come on. It doesn't mean
you have to stop having fun.
What was that?
Oh, relax.
There's somebody in the bushes.
Who the fuck are you?
Listen.
You may be wondering
why I let you see that.
Want to see what I did to him?
No, please.
Help!
Help!
The neighbors
are over a mile away.
If you wanted to be rescued,
you should have owned less land.
Please!
Please! Please!
Are you ready?
Are you ready?
Couldn't have happened to
a nicer guy.
But then, that's the advantage
of being a psychopath.
You don't have to take
any shit from people.
She's lovely.
She's really, really,
really little...
and has black, black curly hair
and violet eyes.
No, thanks.
What do you think he does
when he's not helping Max?
So, what do you do
when you're not helping Max?
You know, things.
What sort of things?
Bits and pieces.
Nothing special.
Well, I hope Max is paying you
well for this.
What's his film about?
What's your film about, Max?
I'm not supposed to say.
Oh, come on, tell us.
I bet it's really twisted.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, Max!
Leave him alone, you two.
Give us a beer, will you?
You're meant to be driving.
Come on.
That's one beer gone.
Of course, I...
could kill them all now.
It wouldn't be too difficult.
Him while he's asleep.
Girls... they're always easy.
Don't worry. I'm not going to.
Well, they are my friends,
you know.
The question is, what happens
when you just think about it?
What happens
when you allow yourself...
to represent the possibility?
Then you have to decide...
whether to shy away
from the thought or...
spend a bit of time with it,
see how you react to it.
Do you feel appalled,
or do you just think...
"Well, that could happen"?
That's always been my trouble.
How was that?
Seemed OK to me.
Yes, but was it convincing?
I don't know. I'm not an expert
on these things.
I thought it was pretty good.
Did you really?
Petra's got a lead role at last.
"The Duchess of Malfi."
It's only a fringe production,
but, you know...
a lead's a lead, I suppose.
Of course,
she's now become impossible.
She had us do that scene and
review the tape about 10 times.
Still, that's the artistic
temperament for you.
No creativity without neurosis.
That's why I prefer
the real thing.
It's a lot less stressful.
Just relax.
So, can you tell me why I should
consider you for a promotion?
Take your time.
Well...
Obviously
we've discussed this before.
I take it you've had time
to give the matter...
your fullest consideration.
Aye.
You can appreciate, I'm sure...
that it's quite a step
from holding the camera...
to doing the killing.
Aye, I do, very much.
You realize
you'll be taking on...
a considerable ethical
responsibility.
I know.
Obviously I have to ask...
if there's any type of situation
you'd feel uncomfortable with.
Women or children, perhaps?
No.
No, you couldn't do them,
or no, it wouldn't be a problem?
It wouldn't be a problem.
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna give you a shot.
What about this one?
I don't think so.
OK, what about this one?
Looks like he could do with
a lesson in humility.
I think we could help him there.
Don't you?
Could do them.
Cheap and cheerful.
Could try him.
You'd have to plan it
quite carefully, though.
Probably not one
for a first attempt.
Ah, this one looks
a possibility.
OK, let's do it.
No, no, no, no.
Like this!
OK.
I'm sorry about this.
It's his first time.
Try this.
One quick slash
across the throat.
It's easy.
Right. Let's go.
Well, come on.
Get hold of her hair.
What are you fucking
waiting for?
I... can't do it.
Do what?
I can't do it.
I thought I could, but I can't.
You thought you could,
but you can't.
You stupid fucking idiot.
I ought to stick this in you.
Sorry.
There.
How hard was that?
OK, now, do you want to explain
to me what happened back there?
I don't know.
I thought I could do it,
but I couldn't.
I think we've already
established that.
What I'm asking here
is why you couldn't do it.
I thought I'd feel different.
You thought you'd feel
different.
I just didn't want to do it.
Why didn't you want to do it?
You wanted to
up until 2 hours ago.
That was different.
Different how?
It wasn't real.
I'm sorry?
It didn't feel real.
I can assure you it's real.
Everything we've been doing
for the last 6 months...
has been extremely real.
I've not hurt anyone.
Do you really think
this is something...
you can walk away from?
You're committed.
You've aided and abetted
the murder of over 15 people.
I'm not doing it anymore.
You're repeating yourself again.
You know how boring that is.
What do you propose
to do with that?
I take it there's a point
to this?
How do you like it?
Very good.
Don't talk down to me.
You're always talking down
to me.
All right, take it easy.
Calm down, ok?
You've got to stop it.
What?
This... all this stuff
you're doing.
OK, fine, I'll stop.
How do I know
that you will?
You can't be serious.
I'm going to
make you stop.
If you do that,
you'll be no better than me.
You are better than me,
aren't you?
I honestly believe that
every so-called serial killer...
who got caught
either wanted to or didn't
approach his work intelligently.
Obviously, I had to be careful
in my choice of assistant.
I mean,
it was always possible...
there was gonna be
a difference of opinion.
As far as I know...
he'd been homeless
for about three years...
and hadn't seen his family
in over five.
There we go.
He didn't have any friends...
which won't surprise you,
given his interpersonal skills...
apart from
a couple of other fuck-ups...
who were living
under the Westway.
When I approached him,
I made sure nobody was watching,
and since then,
he's been living here with me.
So he's unlikely
to be missed.
And anybody who does can't
possibly connect him with me.
Right, the clothes
go into a bin bag.
And then into a bin...
not mine, of course.
And it's always
a good idea...
to wait until just before
the dustmen arrive.
The challenge, of course,
is the body.
Here we go.
Now, Ben, remember
to keep it in focus, OK?
Max,
that looks magnificent.
Ok, who wants what?
Grandma, you like it well done,
don't you?
Oh, yes, well done for me,
yes, please, dear.
Max, this is great.
You may be a nutter,
but you really can cook.
Is that a compliment?
It sounded like it
might be a compliment.
I can't remember the last time
you had us round for dinner.
Yes, it's really very good
of you.
We should do it
more often.
How's yours, grandma?
Very tasty.
- John?
- Oh, it's delicious.
I was wondering though,
what sort of meat is it?
Venezuelan veal.
I got it from this butcher
I go to at Smithfield.
Apparently,
they feed the animals...
on this special
high-protein diet...
and they get
this distinctive flavor.
Really? Well, it's nice
to try something exotic...
every now and then.
Max, can you be a gecko?
I don't think I ought
to be a gecko just now.
Well, why not?
Well, sometimes
we have to behave...
the way other people
think we should.
It's always been
a mystery to me...
why people make such
heavy weather...
about disposing of a body.
I mean, if you leave a severed
arm and a sackful of entrails...
at the bottom
of someone's garden...
of course they're
going to notice.
But if the meat's been cut up
and cooked...
and there's only a small amount
of it...
it just looks like
a few leftovers.
Of course,
there's quite a lot of flesh...
on the average
human being.
I mean, compared to a chicken,
for example.
So it takes a while
to get rid of.
But that's not a problem
if you've got a big freezer.
The bones you can boil
and then roast...
which makes them easy
to grind up.
Make quite a good stock,
actually.
All very simple.
No need to draw attention
to yourself and get caught...
and become everybody's
favorite hate figure.
Unless you want to,
that is.
Is there anybody
assembled here today...
who knows of
any lawful impediment...
as to why this man
and woman...
should not be joined
in holy matrimony?
Speak now or forever hold
your peace.
Fucking bastard!
You may well be wondering
if this is in fact a joke.
Not a very tasteful joke,
but a joke nonetheless.
Well...
it is.
Isn't it?
Max, you made it.
Of course.
How was I?
You were brilliant.
No, I wasn't.
I was shit.
You were brilliant...
really.
Do you think so?
- Yeah, you were brilliant.
- You were great.
You're just saying that.
That's right.
We thought you were shit really.
Don't listen to him.
Come on,
it's was a joke.
No, really,
it was a joke.
Look, it was.
You were brilliant.
Here you go.
Thanks for
helping me rehearse.
Always happy to support
the cause of art...
in my small way.
No, really.
It was a big help.
By the way,
where's your friend?
Who?
Your assistant.
Oh, I terminated
our relationship.
What?
He'd reached the end
of his usefulness.
I do wonder about you
sometimes, Max.
I wonder what you're wondering
about me...
now we've spent some time
together.
Actually, you're not wondering
at all, are you?
I mean, you know a few things
that Petra doesn't, after all.
I can just see that look
of superiority on your face...
even though you should have
a few doubts now...
if you're really
going to be fair.
I wonder what sort
of a conversation we'd have...
if we came
face to face.
Don't suppose
we'll ever find out, will we?
- Wait a minute!
- No, no!
Bill. Bill.
It's all right,
it's all right.
Calm down.
I just want to talk.
We've talked already.
This is different.
All right?
Bill, I want
to offer you a job.
What?
A job, Bill.
For me.
How hard was that?
Hello.
Can you spare us a few moments
of your time?
- That's you?
- That's right.
Do you mind
if I and my cameraman...
just came through?
What's the thing?
Oh, you'll love it.
- This is your place?
- Yeah.
Oh, wow.
This is a joke,
right?
It's not a joke.
What's your name?
Neil.
Tell me, Neil, why exactly did
you watch that film to the end?
What?
Did you think
it was real?
I... don't know.
You thought
it was a joke.
Yeah.
Supposing
it wasn't a joke.
Do you think there'd be
something wrong with you...
for having watched the film
to the end?
Well, obviously there'd be
something wrong with me...
for having made it...
if that makes it any easier.
Ok, let me
clarify things.
It was real.
All of it.
All of those people
were really being killed.
So there's definitely
something wrong with me.
What I want you
to tell me...
is whether there's
something wrong with you.
As you'll be aware,
I recorded this over a film...
called
"The Last Horror Movie..."
so in a sense it's the title
of this movie.
It's kind of an appropriate
title, if you think about it...
which is why
I picked it.
I mean, I could say...
it's an appropriate title
for this film...
because in
its self-conscious subversion...
of horror movie
conventions...
it's kind of a last word
in horror.
But you might think
I was a bit of a wanker...
which I probably
would be...
if I went around saying things
like that.
But I've got
a better reason...
for calling it
"The Last Horror Movie."
I'll show you.
No, no, no!
We didn't get very far.
I think he found it hard
to concentrate.
Seriously, though...
I had to make sure he'd watched
the whole film...
before
I showed up.
I've found
in the past...
that people
haven't been able to think...
while they're
being murdered.
Which is understandable,
I suppose.
That's why I came up
with the video store gimmick.
If I could get people
to watch it...
like it was
an ordinary film...
well, not ordinary,
perhaps...
but without me
standing over them...
they'd have a chance
to draw some conclusions.
Then we could have
a meaningful discussion.
Unfortunately,
Neil wasn't quite up to it.
See, I do believe
the ones who saw the film...
managed to get at least a sense
of what I was trying to achieve.
Once they were able to see
their own experience...
as part of
the whole project...
which I think is something
of a success, really.
The problem is...
I haven't been able
to get anybody to respond...
in a really interesting way.
That's understandable,
I suppose.
But it would be nice if someone
came up with a few thoughts...
one of these days.
How about you?
Think you'd have
something to say?
Have you thought of
something to say?
Maybe you want to ask me
some questions.
I'd be happy
to try and answer them.
Really.
You probably just want to
report me to the police, right?
Well, obviously
I can't let you do that.
You understand that
at least.
I mean,
if you're watching this film...
you've become very dangerous
to me...
as I have to you.
Our fortunes
are inextricable tied.
Clearly then,
we're going to have to meet.
Soon...
Very soon,
if I've timed things right.
You don't believe me,
do you?
You think this is some
art house film...
that's meant to look
like a home movie.
You don't think this is
the only copy of this film.
You don't think
I was waiting...
when you hired it
from the video store...
or that I followed you home.
Wonder where you are now.
Are you standing
by a window?
Maybe I'm looking at you
right now.
Or maybe I'll get in
just by knocking on the door.
I've done that
three times before...
if you can believe it.
People just let you in...
it's quite extraordinary.
They all thought it was some
sort of reality-TV stunt.
Then again,
maybe I'll have to break in.
Maybe I've already
broken in.
Go on,
don't believe me.
That's good.
It makes my job
a lot easier.
But it doesn't really matter
whether you believe me or not.
I've had a lot of practice
at this.
A lot more than you,
I suspect.
Whatever happens...
this is gonna be
your last horror movie.
I'll be seeing you.
at a maximum security...
correctional facility
in Illinois...
is this hour's
top news story.
Convicted serial killer
Harold Trattner...
is believed
to be amongst a group...
of 3
death row inmates...
who overpowered guards
whilst on transit...
from a holding cell
in Angola this morning.
Sheriff John Loomis
has issued a warning...
to area residents...
advising them not
to approach the prisoners...
under any circumstance.
Harold Trattner received
the death penalty 3 years ago...
for the massacre
of 6 teenagers...
during a summer camp vacation
in Vermont.
Deputies in Houston
issued an apology today...
to the British holidaymaker
they arrested last week...
in Miami.
70-year-old Derek Lambros...
Police
in Grand Rapids, Michigan...
have been unable to identify
the bodies of young man...
and woman discovered by children
in a Halloween costume store...
with their features carved away
and the man's genitals removed.
Police first identified
the victims as 2 women.
Sheriff John Schrader
refused to give details...
of the ghoulish case...
and said only that
he did have strong evidence...
linking the crime...
to this morning's
prison breakout...
in neighboring Illinois.
Hello?
Michael, are you ok?
You shouldn't
be watching that by yourself.
I told you it was scary.
Well, you just have to wait
till Mom comes home, ok?
Keep the lights on.
Ok, bye.
Hello?
Hello?
Kelly?
Cut it out, Kell.
This isn't funny.
Hello.
I realize this isn't
what you were expecting.
Let me explain.
The film you hired
from the video store...
I recorded over it.
But don't go switching off.
You didn't actually
miss very much.
The characterization
was 2-dimensional...
and, well, the dialogue
was, frankly, embarrassing.
I think you will find this
much more interesting.
You're interested now,
aren't you?
Go on, admit it.
Well, you hired a horror movie,
didn't you?
So, you wanted to see
something scary, right?
Don't worry.
I'll explain.
You'll understand everything,
I promise.
This is where
I did my first.
It's actually
quite a strange story...
how it happened.
It was, what,
about 5 years ago now.
I was walking across
Hammersmith Bridge...
when this guy in front of me
suddenly jumped off.
Well, I jumped in after him
and pulled him out.
Yeah.
Anyway, we sort of
became friends after that.
But it wasn't a particularly
healthy kind of friendship.
See, he'd had
a pretty unhappy life.
I'm not gonna go
into the details.
And I don't think he was
too pleased to still be alive.
But he sort of felt
he had to be grateful...
and I thought
I ought to be his friend...
even though he was
pretty depressing company...
to be perfectly honest.
It was about 6 months later...
and we were standing together
on this roof.
He dragged me up here to share
a few insights about the world.
And I was standing behind him...
wishing I'd never heard
of Hammersmith Bridge...
when I just thought...
well, A...
maybe I'd made a mistake by
pulling him out of the river...
Because all he ever talked about
was how miserable he was;
And B,
since I'd saved his life...
I sort of had
a few rights over it.
So, I walked right up to him
and pushed him over.
Do you just want to get a shot
pointing down over the edge?
Course,
they all thought it was suicide.
Anyway,
that's how I got started.
I'd say I do about 8,
maybe 10 people a year.
Men, women.
I don't really care.
The first couple of months
I went kind of mental.
I think I did
about 20.
But after that
I calmed down a bit.
Still, I wouldn't want you
to think that's all I do.
I'd probably be pretty boring
if it was.
I, Derrick Steven Morris.,,
I, Derrick Steven Morris...
take you,
Emily Jane Murphy...
take you,
Emily Jane Murphy...
to be my wife...
to be my wife...
to have and to hold...
to have and to hold...
One, 2, 3!
It's actually a nice way
to earn a living.
Free food, free booze.
I mean, it's not like
you're a waiter...
and it's the best place
in the world to meet women.
Look at them.
Nothing makes a single woman
feel less loved...
than watching
someone else get married.
I've had some pretty good times
at other people's weddings...
- I can tell you.
- Oi!
Do you want to start
filming us?
What do you think
I'm paying you for?
Sure, I'm sorry.
Who's he?
He's my assistant.
As long as I'm
not paying him, too.
Ok, what I'm
gonna show you now...
is the first time
I filmed myself doing someone.
To be honest,
I made a bit of a mess of it.
I'll just warn you
about that in advance.
Still, you can't just
show the triumphs, can you?
I mean, I'm not pretending
I had this down pat...
right from the start.
You have to work
at these things.
Ok, take 1.
This is Tim.
Say hello, Tim.
Tell them
what you do, Tim.
Tim is suffering from a bit
of stage fright just now.
He's an assistant manager
at a High Street retailer...
of consumer durables.
I'm not gonna say
which ones.
They don't pay me
for advertising.
He was getting along
nicely.
Weren't you?
No, no.
No, please.
It's not your lucky day,
is it?
No!
Well, like I said...
it was the first time
I filmed one.
Of course, I'd probably be right
in thinking you don't approve.
Me evil, you good, yeah?
That's fine.
I can take criticism.
I'm not sure
what you mean by evil, though.
Or maybe you think
it isn't my fault.
Maybe I watched
too many violent films...
when I was a child.
That one always
makes me laugh.
As if there weren't
people like me...
before films
were even invented.
And what about
everybody who saw...
"The Texas Chainsaw
Massacre"...
and didn't go out
and buy meat hooks?
No, take it
from someone who knows.
It ain't
the movies.
And I'm pretty sure
I'm not mad, either.
Usual, Max?
Oh, thank you, Joe,
that would be splendid.
Do have one
yourself.
Is he making
a film?
As a matter of fact,
I am making a film.
What's it about?
It's about life,
really.
And death.
Life sucks.
Death's not much better,
either.
Would you like
to do an interview with us?
So, your name is?
Bill.
Bill what?
Mullins.
So, it's 3:00,
and you're shitfaced.
Yeah.
Regular occurrence?
When I've got
the money.
So, life didn't work out.
No.
Do you consider yourself
one of life's casualties?
What?
Well, what if I said
I could end all your troubles?
Now.
How?
With this.
Well, if I shot you
in the head, for example...
that would be an end
to all your suffering.
Is this
for the film?
All I'm asking
is why go on living?
Well...
You said it
yourself.
Life sucks.
So, why stay alive?
Look, I don't want
any trouble.
Who said anything
about trouble?
I'm just asking you
a question.
In fact,
I'm offering you a service.
It's just something
I'm trying to understand.
Why cling on to something
that makes you miserable?
You think
I killed him.
I didn't kill him.
It was only
a replica gun, anyway.
To tell you the truth,
I actually felt sorry for him.
I just wanted
to ask him that question.
I want to ask
a lot of people that question.
I mean,
you see people all the time...
going around,
looking totally miserable.
And you wonder
why they go on.
It's like
relationships.
Well,
a lot of them.
You've got 2 people
who can't stand each other...
or at least who are
totally bored with each other...
which is probably worse...
and they just
cling on.
Like parasites.
I think a lot of people
don't want to accept that...
which is understandable,
but they ought to.
Are you waiting
for your mummy?
Yeah.
Well, she told me
to come and pick you up.
Do you want to be
a part of our film as well?
Ok.
Yeah?
Want me to carry your bag?
No, I'm fine.
You ok?
Want to hold my hand?
I've got my car
just down here.
There you are.
Where have you been?
He wanted ice cream.
Brilliant.
Now he won't want his tea.
Hey, Nico!
You're still doing
that wedding stuff, then?
Yes.
When are you
gonna get a real job?
Do you want to explain to me
what you mean by a real job?
I don't know.
Something
with a future, at least.
Oh, yes,
a future.
I've always wanted
one of those.
Can't you
take anything seriously?
My older sister Sam is,
as you can see,
concerned
I'm wasting my life.
Whatever.
Do what you want.
I am doing
what I want.
Are you doing
what you want?
What?
Well, all this.
The house,
the husband, the kids.
Is it really
satisfying?
I'm not
gonna have this discussion...
for the benefit
of your film, Max.
Go on.
You staying to dinner
or what?
I think
we should eat Nico.
You have to smash out the meat
fairly brutally...
to make it
nice and tender.
Oh, don't worry...
it's just
a little wood pigeon...
I'm preparing
for a friend of mine.
Just add a little stock.
Now a little bit
of wine.
You just want
to come a little closer?
Now we'll just
let that cook for a bit.
And then
we'll add some cream later.
Max!
That looks
absolutely delicious.
Tuck in.
Well, isn't your friend
going to join us?
He's not my friend.
He's my assistant.
And he's here
to help me make my film.
Have some potatoes.
What are you planning
to do with this film?
Oh, probably nothing.
It's just
a personal project.
What's the point?
Well,
that is the point.
Only you could
be mad enough...
to have someone constantly
following you around...
with a camera.
Thanks.
Great.
Bye, Petra.
Bye.
Petra's
one of my oldest friends.
We actually had a bit of a thing
with each other a few years ago.
Now we're just mates.
I think it's a good thing
we're not going out...
with each other
anymore.
We'd probably
kill each other.
Oh, here,
do you want some of this?
That was good work.
Well done.
Do you want
to give me a hand here?
But I'm filming.
Just put the camera down
and give me a hand.
Come on!
I wonder how long it'll take
before they find that one?
Come on.
Come on, get the camera.
Let's go.
Generally,
I try to mix things up a bit.
Victims, weapons, methods,
locations, circumstances.
Also, if you take
some money and stuff...
they think
the motive is robbery.
Now, obviously,
this means...
you have to keep
using your imagination...
but it also means that they
can't build up a profile.
I mean,
as far as I know...
they haven't even connected up
any of mine...
and I've done
at least 50 so far.
The problem is,
you don't get a lot of coverage.
You don't get
to really make a statement.
And that's why
I've decided to make this film.
I suppose you'll be thinking
I've exposed myself...
but don't worry.
I've thought of a solution
to that, too.
You may now kiss
the bride.
I can't believe
you did it, mate.
You wanker.
Give us another one of them,
will you?
How you feeling?
Mad.
Are you happy
to be married?
Yeah, I suppose.
You suppose?
I don't know.
Only did it
to shut her up.
Ritchie!
All right.
Duty calls.
I'm trying to make this film
not just about me...
but about life
in general.
I mean, you could look at me
and say I'm a predator.
And then
the question is...
what makes some people
the lions...
and others
the wildebeest?
Who decides that?
When are you gonna
do one?
Don't know.
You still want to,
don't you?
Aye.
It's important
that you participate fully...
in this project.
We discussed this,
didn't we?
Aye.
You don't want to stay
a wildebeest, do you?
Do you?
No.
Good.
Yes?
Hello.
What's all this?
He's making a film
with me.
Film?
Yes.
Oh.
Tea for you,
young man?
Please.
Milk?
Please.
Sugar?
One, please.
So, how are you?
How am I?
What's to tell?
Nothing to tell.
I'm fine.
Is your tea
all right?
Oh, it's fine,
thank you, Grandma.
And yours?
Fine.
So, when did
I last see you?
Let me see, now.
You never come around
to see your grandma.
What are you up to
these days?
I'm still doing
my filming.
Making any money
at it?
I get by.
Still doing...
what is it, the weddings?
That's right.
Your father
was exactly the same.
He never could
settle to anything.
Do you think it's
a family trait, Grandma?
Family trait?
I don't know.
Didn't come from my side
of the family.
That's for sure.
What the...
What the fuck
are you doing out there?
Get in here.
Brilliant.
You almost missed
everything.
Now, go down
and get a good shot of her.
I'm not going to say anything
flippant or ironic to you.
I know
you won't understand...
but I'm gonna explain a couple
of things to you, anyway.
You see that there?
We're making a film
of this.
We're trying to do something
that hasn't been done before.
Well, I've never heard of it
being done before.
We're trying to make
an intelligent movie...
about murder...
while actually
doing the murders.
Now, I know
that doesn't help you...
and it doesn't justify
what I've done...
but at least
it's interesting.
You see, that's the point,
isn't it?
See?
To try to do something
interesting.
The problem is...
it looks like you can't do
anything interesting...
unless you give people
a shock...
and you can't give people
a shock...
unless you do something
really horrible.
No, wait, wait, wait.
I haven't finished.
I was hoping to get some sort of
a reaction from her.
I mean, that would be something,
wouldn't it?
To get someone to see
the point of this...
while actually being
part of it, too.
Oh, now you really hate me,
don't you?
Well, that's fine.
But before you condemn me...
you ought to be able to answer
one question.
How much is a single human life
really worth...
compared to doing something that
hasn't been done before?
Everything?
Well, let's put it
this way.
If you sold your TV...
and gave the money
to some aid organization...
some child in Africa would live
a little longer, wouldn't they?
But you're not going to sell
your TV, are you?
So human life isn't quite worth
everything, is it?
I mean, it's not worth as much
as your TV, for example.
Now, would you have sold your TV
to save that woman's life...
given the option?
Well, if you think "yes"...
then why not
for the African child?
And if you think "No"...
then what are you giving me
a hard time for?
Well, it's about this woman...
who discovers that
she can listen in...
on other people's thoughts.
And at first
she thinks it's really cool...
and she starts listening in on
all her friends...
and she works out all these ways
of making money from it.
But then it all starts
to go wrong...
and she finds she can't stop.
What, she can't turn it off?
No.
It's like she becomes
addicted to it.
And?
Well, I haven't worked out
all the details yet...
but that's the basic idea.
Right.
Well, it sounds really
interesting.
Sounds like a nightmare to me.
Well, that's the point.
Imagine what would happen...
if we all knew what we really
thought about each other.
I'd go for it.
Oh, bollocks you would.
No, actually,
you probably would.
You'd have no friends.
But that's only if you couldn't
take what they were thinking...
which really means only if
you can't see yourself...
for what you really are.
Oh, the man of truth.
At least I'm open to it.
No, you're not.
You couldn't take what people
really think about you.
- I think I could.
- You sure about that?
- Absolutely.
- All right.
You've got this idea that you're
some sort of unique artist...
when in fact you're just a cunt
who shoots wedding videos.
Now you've got this idiot
following you around...
filming conversations
like this...
as if it was something, like,
fascinating and adventurous...
when it's just
4 drunk people...
sitting around
talking bollocks...
like people have always
talked bollocks.
It's a total sham.
Hey, well, you said
you could take it.
Oh, great.
That's fine.
I'm really not bothered.
You're not, are you?
No.
Yeah, that's what I like
about you, Max.
You do not give a fuck.
Actually, I do give a fuck...
but not about that.
You may say
I should give a fuck...
about this, for example.
I've lost my wife.
My children have lost
their mother.
I just...
I...
I just want to say
to members of the public...
that whoever did this is still
out there and must be...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That was the woman
I did in the kitchen.
Actually, I had a look around
afterwards.
I saw pictures of that guy
and 2 children.
She was young enough
to have parents...
not to mention siblings,
friends, colleagues.
That's a lot of people...
all smashed up
by something I did.
Now, why don't I care
about that?
I mean, I know
you care about it.
That's why you think
I'm a bad person.
But the thing is,
I don't care about it.
I didn't ask not to care
about it, but I just don't.
And if I don't care about it,
how can I think it's wrong?
And if I don't think it's wrong,
then why shouldn't I do it?
We're gonna try
a little experiment.
Just the man.
Onto the woman.
Onto me.
The question is...
were you at all curious to see
what was happening?
I know you don't approve...
and I'm not saying that
you do...
but were you absolutely sure...
without a shadow of a doubt...
that you weren't craning
a little to see?
Hmm?
Not even the teensiest bit?
Now, did you want to
see that or not?
And if not, then why
are you still watching?
All right, it's coming.
That is milk?
Yes, for you.
There you go.
He's always getting
that old film out.
I mean,
it was over 15 years ago.
Funny thing is, he never comes
with me to the cemetery.
He's... he's... Max naughty.
Yeah, he is.
Hello.
Max, do the tyrannosaurus!
Max!
Hey, guys, could you just be...
Max, for God's sake!
He's worse than
the both of them.
This is very good, darling.
Thanks.
What is it again?
Oxtail.
Now, Ben, that's not the way
we eat at the table, is it?
But I'm being a gecko.
You can be a gecko later...
but while you're eating dinner,
you're a human being.
But Max is being a gecko.
Well, sometimes adults
can be geckos...
when little boys can't.
I'm not disagreeing with you.
I just think you're making
too much of it.
I don't think I am making
too much of it.
He's a bad influence.
Oh, he was just being stupid.
So what else is new?
He's always being stupid.
Well, I don't need him being
stupid in my house...
when I'm trying to have
my dinner...
and I don't need him encouraging
disrespect in my children.
Oh, it was hardly that, John.
He disrespects everything,
including us.
You can either sit carping from
the sideline like he does...
or you can get
with the program...
and make something
out of your life.
I don't want my kids choosing
the first option.
Look, he's my brother.
I can't just tell him
not to come round.
I'm not saying
he can't come round.
He just has to learn to respect
our rules when he does.
She's all right, actually... Sam.
You may of course
be wondering...
why she decided to get married
to a complete wanker, but...
it's not so hard
to understand, really.
See, the thing is, she's more
like me than she likes to think.
I mean, she doesn't go around
killing people or anything...
but, well, she's kind of
not with the program...
when it really
comes down to it.
You should have seen the things
she did to me when we were kids.
The difference is...
it bothers her
that she's not with the program.
That's why she married John.
But I don't think
she's happy with him.
Ben and Nico, though...
they're great.
I mean, they're definitely from
our side of the family.
You can see that cunt John
trying to suck it out of them...
but they're too far gone
already.
They'll only end up
hating him for it...
and that'll be another battle
he's lost.
Well, I suppose I shouldn't be
too hard on him.
It's not his fault
he doesn't understand.
He just lacks the equipment.
It's the ones that have
the equipment...
that have to take
responsibility.
Big smiles, please.
That's great.
Good evening, ladies,
gentlemen...
members of Giles' stag party...
which, I can assure you...
having spent the weekend
with them...
do not come into
the first two categories.
Firstly, please forgive me.
I am a little nervous.
This isn't
the first time today...
I've got up from a warm seat...
with a piece of paper
in my hand.
When Giles asked me to be
his best man...
I said straight off, "No way."
He offered me 10 pounds.
I said I couldn't be bought.
He offered me 20 pounds.
I said, "Do you really think
I'm that cheap?"
He offered me 30 pounds.
So good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
My name is Crispin,
and I am the best man.
Come on. Nobody can see us.
Fiona, I just got married,
for Christ's sake.
So? It didn't stop us
when you got engaged.
That was different.
Come on. It doesn't mean
you have to stop having fun.
What was that?
Oh, relax.
There's somebody in the bushes.
Who the fuck are you?
Listen.
You may be wondering
why I let you see that.
Want to see what I did to him?
No, please.
Help!
Help!
The neighbors
are over a mile away.
If you wanted to be rescued,
you should have owned less land.
Please!
Please! Please!
Are you ready?
Are you ready?
Couldn't have happened to
a nicer guy.
But then, that's the advantage
of being a psychopath.
You don't have to take
any shit from people.
She's lovely.
She's really, really,
really little...
and has black, black curly hair
and violet eyes.
No, thanks.
What do you think he does
when he's not helping Max?
So, what do you do
when you're not helping Max?
You know, things.
What sort of things?
Bits and pieces.
Nothing special.
Well, I hope Max is paying you
well for this.
What's his film about?
What's your film about, Max?
I'm not supposed to say.
Oh, come on, tell us.
I bet it's really twisted.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, Max!
Leave him alone, you two.
Give us a beer, will you?
You're meant to be driving.
Come on.
That's one beer gone.
Of course, I...
could kill them all now.
It wouldn't be too difficult.
Him while he's asleep.
Girls... they're always easy.
Don't worry. I'm not going to.
Well, they are my friends,
you know.
The question is, what happens
when you just think about it?
What happens
when you allow yourself...
to represent the possibility?
Then you have to decide...
whether to shy away
from the thought or...
spend a bit of time with it,
see how you react to it.
Do you feel appalled,
or do you just think...
"Well, that could happen"?
That's always been my trouble.
How was that?
Seemed OK to me.
Yes, but was it convincing?
I don't know. I'm not an expert
on these things.
I thought it was pretty good.
Did you really?
Petra's got a lead role at last.
"The Duchess of Malfi."
It's only a fringe production,
but, you know...
a lead's a lead, I suppose.
Of course,
she's now become impossible.
She had us do that scene and
review the tape about 10 times.
Still, that's the artistic
temperament for you.
No creativity without neurosis.
That's why I prefer
the real thing.
It's a lot less stressful.
Just relax.
So, can you tell me why I should
consider you for a promotion?
Take your time.
Well...
Obviously
we've discussed this before.
I take it you've had time
to give the matter...
your fullest consideration.
Aye.
You can appreciate, I'm sure...
that it's quite a step
from holding the camera...
to doing the killing.
Aye, I do, very much.
You realize
you'll be taking on...
a considerable ethical
responsibility.
I know.
Obviously I have to ask...
if there's any type of situation
you'd feel uncomfortable with.
Women or children, perhaps?
No.
No, you couldn't do them,
or no, it wouldn't be a problem?
It wouldn't be a problem.
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna give you a shot.
What about this one?
I don't think so.
OK, what about this one?
Looks like he could do with
a lesson in humility.
I think we could help him there.
Don't you?
Could do them.
Cheap and cheerful.
Could try him.
You'd have to plan it
quite carefully, though.
Probably not one
for a first attempt.
Ah, this one looks
a possibility.
OK, let's do it.
No, no, no, no.
Like this!
OK.
I'm sorry about this.
It's his first time.
Try this.
One quick slash
across the throat.
It's easy.
Right. Let's go.
Well, come on.
Get hold of her hair.
What are you fucking
waiting for?
I... can't do it.
Do what?
I can't do it.
I thought I could, but I can't.
You thought you could,
but you can't.
You stupid fucking idiot.
I ought to stick this in you.
Sorry.
There.
How hard was that?
OK, now, do you want to explain
to me what happened back there?
I don't know.
I thought I could do it,
but I couldn't.
I think we've already
established that.
What I'm asking here
is why you couldn't do it.
I thought I'd feel different.
You thought you'd feel
different.
I just didn't want to do it.
Why didn't you want to do it?
You wanted to
up until 2 hours ago.
That was different.
Different how?
It wasn't real.
I'm sorry?
It didn't feel real.
I can assure you it's real.
Everything we've been doing
for the last 6 months...
has been extremely real.
I've not hurt anyone.
Do you really think
this is something...
you can walk away from?
You're committed.
You've aided and abetted
the murder of over 15 people.
I'm not doing it anymore.
You're repeating yourself again.
You know how boring that is.
What do you propose
to do with that?
I take it there's a point
to this?
How do you like it?
Very good.
Don't talk down to me.
You're always talking down
to me.
All right, take it easy.
Calm down, ok?
You've got to stop it.
What?
This... all this stuff
you're doing.
OK, fine, I'll stop.
How do I know
that you will?
You can't be serious.
I'm going to
make you stop.
If you do that,
you'll be no better than me.
You are better than me,
aren't you?
I honestly believe that
every so-called serial killer...
who got caught
either wanted to or didn't
approach his work intelligently.
Obviously, I had to be careful
in my choice of assistant.
I mean,
it was always possible...
there was gonna be
a difference of opinion.
As far as I know...
he'd been homeless
for about three years...
and hadn't seen his family
in over five.
There we go.
He didn't have any friends...
which won't surprise you,
given his interpersonal skills...
apart from
a couple of other fuck-ups...
who were living
under the Westway.
When I approached him,
I made sure nobody was watching,
and since then,
he's been living here with me.
So he's unlikely
to be missed.
And anybody who does can't
possibly connect him with me.
Right, the clothes
go into a bin bag.
And then into a bin...
not mine, of course.
And it's always
a good idea...
to wait until just before
the dustmen arrive.
The challenge, of course,
is the body.
Here we go.
Now, Ben, remember
to keep it in focus, OK?
Max,
that looks magnificent.
Ok, who wants what?
Grandma, you like it well done,
don't you?
Oh, yes, well done for me,
yes, please, dear.
Max, this is great.
You may be a nutter,
but you really can cook.
Is that a compliment?
It sounded like it
might be a compliment.
I can't remember the last time
you had us round for dinner.
Yes, it's really very good
of you.
We should do it
more often.
How's yours, grandma?
Very tasty.
- John?
- Oh, it's delicious.
I was wondering though,
what sort of meat is it?
Venezuelan veal.
I got it from this butcher
I go to at Smithfield.
Apparently,
they feed the animals...
on this special
high-protein diet...
and they get
this distinctive flavor.
Really? Well, it's nice
to try something exotic...
every now and then.
Max, can you be a gecko?
I don't think I ought
to be a gecko just now.
Well, why not?
Well, sometimes
we have to behave...
the way other people
think we should.
It's always been
a mystery to me...
why people make such
heavy weather...
about disposing of a body.
I mean, if you leave a severed
arm and a sackful of entrails...
at the bottom
of someone's garden...
of course they're
going to notice.
But if the meat's been cut up
and cooked...
and there's only a small amount
of it...
it just looks like
a few leftovers.
Of course,
there's quite a lot of flesh...
on the average
human being.
I mean, compared to a chicken,
for example.
So it takes a while
to get rid of.
But that's not a problem
if you've got a big freezer.
The bones you can boil
and then roast...
which makes them easy
to grind up.
Make quite a good stock,
actually.
All very simple.
No need to draw attention
to yourself and get caught...
and become everybody's
favorite hate figure.
Unless you want to,
that is.
Is there anybody
assembled here today...
who knows of
any lawful impediment...
as to why this man
and woman...
should not be joined
in holy matrimony?
Speak now or forever hold
your peace.
Fucking bastard!
You may well be wondering
if this is in fact a joke.
Not a very tasteful joke,
but a joke nonetheless.
Well...
it is.
Isn't it?
Max, you made it.
Of course.
How was I?
You were brilliant.
No, I wasn't.
I was shit.
You were brilliant...
really.
Do you think so?
- Yeah, you were brilliant.
- You were great.
You're just saying that.
That's right.
We thought you were shit really.
Don't listen to him.
Come on,
it's was a joke.
No, really,
it was a joke.
Look, it was.
You were brilliant.
Here you go.
Thanks for
helping me rehearse.
Always happy to support
the cause of art...
in my small way.
No, really.
It was a big help.
By the way,
where's your friend?
Who?
Your assistant.
Oh, I terminated
our relationship.
What?
He'd reached the end
of his usefulness.
I do wonder about you
sometimes, Max.
I wonder what you're wondering
about me...
now we've spent some time
together.
Actually, you're not wondering
at all, are you?
I mean, you know a few things
that Petra doesn't, after all.
I can just see that look
of superiority on your face...
even though you should have
a few doubts now...
if you're really
going to be fair.
I wonder what sort
of a conversation we'd have...
if we came
face to face.
Don't suppose
we'll ever find out, will we?
- Wait a minute!
- No, no!
Bill. Bill.
It's all right,
it's all right.
Calm down.
I just want to talk.
We've talked already.
This is different.
All right?
Bill, I want
to offer you a job.
What?
A job, Bill.
For me.
How hard was that?
Hello.
Can you spare us a few moments
of your time?
- That's you?
- That's right.
Do you mind
if I and my cameraman...
just came through?
What's the thing?
Oh, you'll love it.
- This is your place?
- Yeah.
Oh, wow.
This is a joke,
right?
It's not a joke.
What's your name?
Neil.
Tell me, Neil, why exactly did
you watch that film to the end?
What?
Did you think
it was real?
I... don't know.
You thought
it was a joke.
Yeah.
Supposing
it wasn't a joke.
Do you think there'd be
something wrong with you...
for having watched the film
to the end?
Well, obviously there'd be
something wrong with me...
for having made it...
if that makes it any easier.
Ok, let me
clarify things.
It was real.
All of it.
All of those people
were really being killed.
So there's definitely
something wrong with me.
What I want you
to tell me...
is whether there's
something wrong with you.
As you'll be aware,
I recorded this over a film...
called
"The Last Horror Movie..."
so in a sense it's the title
of this movie.
It's kind of an appropriate
title, if you think about it...
which is why
I picked it.
I mean, I could say...
it's an appropriate title
for this film...
because in
its self-conscious subversion...
of horror movie
conventions...
it's kind of a last word
in horror.
But you might think
I was a bit of a wanker...
which I probably
would be...
if I went around saying things
like that.
But I've got
a better reason...
for calling it
"The Last Horror Movie."
I'll show you.
No, no, no!
We didn't get very far.
I think he found it hard
to concentrate.
Seriously, though...
I had to make sure he'd watched
the whole film...
before
I showed up.
I've found
in the past...
that people
haven't been able to think...
while they're
being murdered.
Which is understandable,
I suppose.
That's why I came up
with the video store gimmick.
If I could get people
to watch it...
like it was
an ordinary film...
well, not ordinary,
perhaps...
but without me
standing over them...
they'd have a chance
to draw some conclusions.
Then we could have
a meaningful discussion.
Unfortunately,
Neil wasn't quite up to it.
See, I do believe
the ones who saw the film...
managed to get at least a sense
of what I was trying to achieve.
Once they were able to see
their own experience...
as part of
the whole project...
which I think is something
of a success, really.
The problem is...
I haven't been able
to get anybody to respond...
in a really interesting way.
That's understandable,
I suppose.
But it would be nice if someone
came up with a few thoughts...
one of these days.
How about you?
Think you'd have
something to say?
Have you thought of
something to say?
Maybe you want to ask me
some questions.
I'd be happy
to try and answer them.
Really.
You probably just want to
report me to the police, right?
Well, obviously
I can't let you do that.
You understand that
at least.
I mean,
if you're watching this film...
you've become very dangerous
to me...
as I have to you.
Our fortunes
are inextricable tied.
Clearly then,
we're going to have to meet.
Soon...
Very soon,
if I've timed things right.
You don't believe me,
do you?
You think this is some
art house film...
that's meant to look
like a home movie.
You don't think this is
the only copy of this film.
You don't think
I was waiting...
when you hired it
from the video store...
or that I followed you home.
Wonder where you are now.
Are you standing
by a window?
Maybe I'm looking at you
right now.
Or maybe I'll get in
just by knocking on the door.
I've done that
three times before...
if you can believe it.
People just let you in...
it's quite extraordinary.
They all thought it was some
sort of reality-TV stunt.
Then again,
maybe I'll have to break in.
Maybe I've already
broken in.
Go on,
don't believe me.
That's good.
It makes my job
a lot easier.
But it doesn't really matter
whether you believe me or not.
I've had a lot of practice
at this.
A lot more than you,
I suspect.
Whatever happens...
this is gonna be
your last horror movie.
I'll be seeing you.