The Last Straw (2016) Movie Script

Good morning, students
of Robert Hobdy High.
This is Principal Kelly.
Welcome to another day of school.
Friendly reminder,
Salisbury steak tacos have been removed
from the menu till further notice.
And it's only a few days until
you get your report cards
so please be on your best behavior.
Point to them or whatever.
- Hey!
- I'm walking here!
I'm walking, I'm walking.
Test answers, homework answers,
last night's, next months,
all of them, come, come, come, come!
We are now open for business.
Show me your green so you could be seen.
Listen, let me get
all the porn you've got.
Boy, let me tell you
about all the porn I got.
I've got bla,
example, be attentive
with your studies.
It's the first planet
from the sun, Venus second.
Earth is third.
Respect school property.
And please be kind to
your fellow students.
Stop it.
That's unnecessary.
- It's not pink!
- Not funny.
It's light red!
Why, why?
It's light red!
My mom picked it out!
Real mature, guys.
Yeah, you're real funny, aren't ya?
You're just the hoot of the town?
Let's just go, Murph, let's just go.
And remember,
respect the hardworking faculty
who are here to educate and
enlighten your young minds.
Come on, everybody, study.
Yeah, just keep studying.
I'll be here.
to abide by these rules
will end with you visiting our new
Dean of Discipline, Mr. Quint
who will decide the matter further.
Oh, man.
Now they've gone too far.
Someone's going to be made an example of.
I just wanted you to know that I think
you're the most beautiful
girl I've ever seen.
And I was really hoping that maybe
you felt that way about me.
Well, I mean, boys aren't beautiful,
we're handsome, but you know what I mean,
the equivalency of it,
you know what I mean?
I just really feel like you're an angel.
This beautiful angel that
fell from the heavens
and crashed here on earth and boom,
right into my lap and you know,
well, well really not in my lap
'cause you're not mine.
You know, but anyway.
I was just kind of
wondering, you know, if,
you just, so I,
really, really, you know.
You could maybe be my boyfriend,
I can be your girlfriend?
I mean the other way around,
you know.
I mean I could be your boyfriend
and you could be my girlfriend and,
you know but if it's okay with you
and you don't want that,
I mean I could be your
boyfriend, that's cool too.
Doesn't bother me.
And we could rush things,
we could move really slow
and maybe we'll end up getting
married one of these days.
Who knows?
So with all that in mind,
what do you think,
would you like to go out
tomorrow night with me?
Movies, dinner, something like that?
Vic, Destiny, what do you think?
That bad, huh?
That was awful, man,
- seriously.
- Yeah it's pretty
- pretty much.
- What's the matter with you,
- all right?
- Not good.
It is pretty much terrible.
Guys, what am I gonna do?
She's waiting for me right now.
I have no idea what I'm
going to say to her.
All right, calm down,
calm down, all right?
You gotta have faith in yourself
you gotta have confidence, all right?
It's just take the day for yourself
and Scarlet is the day, all right?
Seize the day.
Carpe day, man, all right?
You got this.
Yeah I don't know why
you're so nervous, Bruce.
Everybody already knows
that she likes you.
So how do you do that Carpe day thing?
Vic, I think we're
gonna have to show him.
Destiny, baby, girl.
You keep leaving my body all in bruises
because my heart beats for you so hard.
Aw, babe!
I can't do that.
Oh, okay.
Wait wait, before you go, before you go.
Flowers, where'd you get these?
Vic the Slick can get you anything.
Thanks, man.
Wish me luck.
Where's Bruce?
Bruce, are you okay?
Oh, oh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm good, I'm good, no, no, no.
Why did you ask to meet?
We really should be getting to class soon.
You know, me and you have
been friends for a while now
and you know, we've
gotten to know each other.
And you know like, I don't know,
I was just kind of wondering
and maybe kind of...
Oh, Bruce, you're so cute.
Yes, you're someone special to me too.
And yes, I'll be your girlfriend.
Oh, okay...
And yes, I'll let you take me to dinner
and a movie Friday night.
Did I miss anything?
And the milkshakes are on you on Friday.
And yes, Bruce, you
can kiss me right now.
Oh, I mean, of course
I can, I mean, you know.
Yeah, I'm boyfriend now, I mean
Yeah, yeah yeah yeah,
just shut up and kiss me.
We better get to
class before we're late.
You go ahead, I'll meet you there.
All right.
I'll see you soon,
my new girlfriend.
Miss O'Neil.
I see we're not familiar with the school's
littering policy, are we?
Perhaps you can join me in my office
so we can review it together.
Stacy Cooper.
Victor Johansen.
Bruce Bauer.
Here and happy.
That's wonderful.
Scarlet O'Neil.
Scarlet O'Neil.
Edgar Brownstein?
Edgar Brownstein, here?
J. Edgar Loser.
J. Edgar Loser, oh very funny.
Excuse me.
Did you guys see Scarlet anywhere?
- No, sorry.
- No.
Excuse me.
Guys, did you see Scarlet?
Oh, you didn't know?
Hey, why weren't you in class?
Scarlet, what's wrong?
Bruce, I,
I've been expelled.
Wait, what'd you do?
It was Quint.
He said I was littering
but he made it sound much worse than that.
And I tried to explain to my parents
but they didn't believe me
and now they're shipping
me off to another school.
What about us?
I mean, you know,
room Friday, movies, dinner,
you know, milkshakes,
- what happened?
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry Bruce.
I wish it could have
worked out differently.
I'll miss you.
I have to go.
E equals mc squared?
I thought E was a good time.
Miss O'Neil!
Excuse me, Buddha.
I'm surprised you're still here.
The Girl's Reform School in
North Dakota's waiting for you.
Oh I'm sorry.
Were you two a couple?
How sad.
Why did you do that?
Because this is what
happens when you cause
chaos and disorder.
If you decide to follow in the footsteps
of your little girlfriend,
you meet the reaper.
You keep your nose clean
and there's no need to fear the reaper.
And as for the rest of you!
Many of you do not know who I am.
But that ends today.
I am the new Dean of
Discipline in this school.
So if I may invoke my French,
I am now the pain in your derriere.
So from this day forward,
anybody who causes chaos
and disorder in my hallways,
you'll be spending quality
time with me in detention.
So tell all your friends!
There's a new Sheriff in town
and his name is Wolfgang Quint.
Because today, ladies and gentlemen
is the last straw!
Quint's not here, it's all clear.
Go and get to it, do it.
No, you do it.
You said you were gonna do it.
You do it with me.
Do it, ready?
One, two, three.
Oh my god, no!
Well, well, well.
What do we have here?
Thelma and Loser.
Well, bad boys, bad girls.
What you going to do?
What are you going to do
when Quint nails you?
Well I'll tell you, nobody...
Whoah, allergy season.
Excuse me, Sanchez?
My name is O'Malley.
Ooh, ooh really?
I don't care.
Yes, okay.
No, it's going okay.
I mean I was looking on the pages for you.
I found 297, you're good, great.
I have the copies on my desk.
Yes, I'll see you on Tuesday, great.
Principal Kelly.
I have the follow up.
Yes, Chloe?
Okay well get someone
to clean up the vomit,
that's wonderful.
Principal Kelly.
Yes, yes, no,
we don't have any more
asbestos in this building.
Principal Kelly.
Yes, Quint, how can I help you?
As you enjoy your cushy little job
here in the ivory tower,
do you have any idea
what is going on out there in your school?
Well, what seems to be the problem?
What seems to be the
problem is the fifth
fire alarm this week.
In case you haven't figured it out yet
there was no fire.
Well, what do you
plan on doing about it?
I put you in charge of
fixing our discipline issues.
What are you gonna do?
I'm going with the next phase of my plan
called Operation 21 Jump Street.
Take two students and have them infiltrate
the student population to
pull out the wrongdoers.
Who were you thinking of using?
I know just the two.
This can't be happening.
I think you should check that out.
No I think you should go.
- No, no, no it's your turn.
- No, you go get him.
No, you.
Don't push me.
Don't push me.
He's gone.
Must be lunch time.
Oh, thank god.
Lucky him though.
These hands, they've killed people.
What's up?
Murph, Murph.
Shut up!
Stop it, Murph!
Shut up!
It's bad enough as it is, all right?
Shut up.
This place sucks.
Do you hear that Hobdy High?
This place sucks!
I'm glad high school only
lasts for four years.
I'm glad I wore underwear today.
Oh god, it's over.
- I know.
- It's over.
- We're alive but it's over.
- It's hopeless.
Swanson, Murphy!
I think that's the voice of God.
No, but close.
I am Wolfgang Quint, Dean of Discipline.
Both of you are probably
thinking right now
that it's hopeless.
Pretty much.
That you're
doomed for all eternity
to live under the heels
of these degenerates.
Times two.
Well, you're in luck, gentlemen.
Because today all of that changes.
Today, you
become my hall monitors.
And we're
back on WKCross Five,
the radio station that lost it all.
Now for your weather forecast.
Cloudy and depressing.
No chance of sunshine 'cause she's gone.
Now here's one for all the boys
who've lost their sunshine.
I can't say I didn't expect this.
Look at you, you're not sick with the flu.
Not that I don't blame you.
Quint has been on a total rampage.
Handing out detentions left and right
like they're candy.
You know Jenna Mays?
You know, nice girl,
President of the National Honor Society,
yeah, six weeks detention.
She got caught sneezing
in the school cafeteria
and Quint grabbed her,
dragged her to his office
and gave her detention for, and I quote,
"Trying to incite biological warfare".
Biological warfare.
There's more biological warfare happening
in this room right now than
in that girl's entire nose.
Yeah, so man, take today off,
take tomorrow off even, man.
School's just become nothing.
No learning.
No good times, no fun.
And it ain't gonna get any better.
Brought your homework.
At least what I think is homework.
I never actually do mine.
Copy that off you later.
Ah, and the school newspaper
came out today too.
But I doubt you'll wanna read it.
Dead in there?
Talk to me.
She was it, Vic.
She was the one.
I know, man.
Wanna know what the worst part of it is?
Is that there's absolutely
nothing I can do about it.
She's gone, Quint's in charge.
And me?
I'm alone.
You're not alone, man.
Come on, why don't we just go outside
and do something.
I'm tired of seeing you like this.
We'll go out and maybe we'll see a movie.
Right, how about go karting?
We'll hunt bears, I don't know,
I'm just spitballing ideas right now.
You know what, I got it.
We won't even have to
leave the house at all.
I'll just go to the video store,
rent a whole bunch of first person shooter
war video games, and
we'll just load them in
and we'll just shoot all the Nazis
pretending that they're all Quints.
None of the Quint, bah!
And we're like, yeah Quint.
Suck on that!
Are you excited?
I'm great, that's gonna be great.
I'm pumped, you pumped?
I got half a stock just thinking about it.
Let's just go, let's just do this.
You, you just stay right there, mister.
You just stay right there.
I'm gonna make everything all right.
Why did you do that?
Because this is what
happens when you cause
chaos and disorder.
Bruce, I've been expelled.
Anybody who causes chaos
and disorder in my hallways,
you meet the reaper.
And his name is Wolfgang Quint
because today, ladies and gentlemen
is the last straw.
I got it.
How couldn't I see it before?
Chaos and disorder.
Right in front of me.
He told me right to my face
exactly what his weakness is.
What am I doing?
Sitting in this room all week long
pretending to be sick hiding from him.
That's exactly what he wants.
And now, I'm taking him down.
He's going down, not me.
Okay, all right.
Chaos and disorder, what do we do
to push him over the edge?
How are we gonna do it?
What is it?
Ugh, flat.
Come on Bruce, ah it's so close
I can taste it in the air.
Ah, what is it?
I don't know, I'm just
spitballing ideas right now.
We'll just shoot all the Nazis
pretending they're all Quints.
It's the last straw!
That's an idea.
Here goes nothing.
Man, I'm so stupid.
I really forgot to ask you what topping.
I just...
Vic, you magnificent son of a bitch.
I got it!
No I think you've lost it.
I know how we're gonna take down Quint.
We're gonna take him down with this.
A straw?
No, not just straws.
- Spitballs!
- Oh dude!
What the hell, come on.
That was all types of nasty.
Exactly, they're nasty
and gross, disgusting.
Perfect to drive a madman over the edge.
All right, now Bruce.
I understand that you're upset
and that this whole Quint thing has...
I'm willing to look past that
because I know you're not right.
You just need to...
That got in my hair.
If you do that to me one more time, I...
That's it!
No more!
I'm done, I'm done.
I came here to be the good friend.
I asked you to go out,
you even looked at me like I'm a dumbass
acting all crazy, blowing
a mess all over the floor
and spitting on me with spitballs.
You know what, that's
gross, that's juvenile
and it's stupid.
You're stupid, Bruce.
You're stupid!
Oh my god, that makes perfect sense.
You're brilliant.
I get it now.
Where Quint wants order, we will create,
Vic, you're my best friend.
I can't do this alone.
I need you, no, no, no, no,
I need everyone to get this man back
for what he did to Scarlet.
Now, if we do this,
we're gonna need some serious manpower
and some even more serious firepower.
Luckily, Vic the Slick
can get me anything I want.
Sounds like fun.
I'm game.
Today, we declare war
on Mr. Wolfgang Quint.
Okay Vic, today's the day.
Does everybody have their bags?
Locked, stocked and ready to rock.
All right.
We gotta protect the red bag at all costs.
If anything happens to
it, all of our plans
will fall through.
Relax, Bruce.
We have everything planned down to a tee.
It's just us versus a cranky old man.
What's the worst that
could possibly happen?
Don't even say it.
All right.
Let's do it.
Let's go to the ball.
Gentlemen, this is ludicrous.
The school has gone mad.
The students don't think they need
to follow the rules.
We are going to take back
control of this school.
From this day forward you
will patrol these halls.
You will watch these degenerates
and you will maintain order.
If you see someone chewing gum,
If you see anything wrong,
you will issue a detention.
Consider today the day of your rebirth.
Born in my image!
You're no longer two pimple-popping dweebs
being pushed around this school.
You are the best students in this school.
And it is your job, no,
it is your duty
to restore discipline to this school.
Yes, sir.
Not that side.
Yes, sir!
All right, all right.
Everybody calm down, let's
get this meeting started.
We got a lot to do.
Troop status.
All green, sir.
Faculty suspicion?
Suspicion's in an all time low, sir.
What about the bag?
I have the bag and it's in position
and it'll be ready for today.
Look, there's nothing
to be worried about, okay?
Just relax.
We have everything planned to the tee.
Now me and Vic called
this meeting for a reason.
Now that we're all on the same page,
if anyone wants to leave,
now's the time to do it.
All right, lades, gents,
let's get this party started.
Now the whole plan of attack...
We have a problem.
Get to class, get to class!
Go, come on!
- Stop!
- Come here!
Ah, no no no no.
I'll bet you're asking yourself,
did he write five detentions or six?
Do you feel lucky, punk?
Well do you?
Can't spell the hat?
You can't spell hat?
One detention slip,
cellphone in the hallway.
You've been reading at a 12th grade level
in a ninth grade classroom.
You know what that gives you?
A fricking detention pass.
You make me sick.
Hey, hey, hey!
Hey, where are you fools going?
Yeah yeah, yeah!
Our boots, they're clean!
We got you for speeding.
Running a red light.
Illegal U-turn.
Gimme your
How about we take your pants instead?
Get it?
Ooh yeah.
Jackpot, woo!
Give me your lunch!
Excellent, gentlemen.
Like KC and the Sunshine Band once said,
That's the way
- Uh, huh,
- Uh huh,
I like it.
Okay, where did these
two shmegeggis come from?
It doesn't matter, okay?
It doesn't matter?
It may not matter to you
but I've already got
two strikes against me.
One for the bootleg bible scam
and the other one for the Salisbury job
which is still pending legal review
and I'm innocent till proven guilty.
Now I don't wanna get shipped
out just because you...
You're not getting shipped anywhere.
This is what we're gonna do.
We're gonna move the
stuff to location delta
and we're gonna be real quiet about it.
This changes nothing, okay?
All right.
Just spread the word that
these guys are on the prowl.
Let's go.
Let's do it.
All's quiet in Robert Hobdy High.
Mr. Bauer.
Trying to fly beneath
the radar, aren't we?
We're actually doing it, Murph.
No one can escape us.
I feel so alive, ooh!
You know why?
Because you're bringing
order and discipline.
We're making the school a better place.
And we get these nice, sweet side perks.
I almost feel bad for old Doomsday.
Whoah, whoah, whoah.
Swanson, Murphy.
Sir, yes sir?
Report to my office.
Very well, sir.
Big man's calling us.
All right, what do I do with these?
Probably infested.
Chuck 'em.
Let's go, Murph.
To the Quint cave.
I have installed a video
surveillance system
that records everyone and everything
that happens in this school.
So think of me as Big Brother Quint.
Orwell would be proud.
That is pure genius, sir.
Utterly brilliant sir, utterly.
I know.
That's why I did it.
I've observed one Bruce Bauer.
Behold the evidence.
Oh that's him right there.
That bag is busy.
Busy bag.
A lot of that stuff
Jumping from person to person.
What did you see on that tape?
A very suspicious bag.
Full of mystery and intrigue.
- And romance.
- You might say.
Do you know what I saw?
Someone who was guilty.
Bring me Bruce Bauer.
Bruce has been pretty clean.
Yeah for the most part
he's been good, clean.
Clean as a whistle, you might say.
If you do that again I'm
gonna take that away from you.
I am so sorry, sir.
If you ever question my authority again,
you'll witness what I was like
when I stormed the beaches of Iraq.
There are beaches in Iraq, sir?
Yes there are many,
it doesn't matter!
Bring me Bruce Bauer.
Yes sir!
Let's hit the streets, Murph.
You mean the hallways.
Yeah, those too.
The bag.
The bag, the bag, they're
going after the bag.
Phone, phone, phone phone.
Vic line.
It's Chuck.
Leave, now.
This is a code red, I repeat.
- Code red, code red.
- This is a code red.
Quint knows what's going on.
Those idiots are going to delta.
They're going to grab the bag,
we're going to be screwed!
I repeat, that goof troop
is going to take the bag.
What do you want me to do, Vic?
What do we do?
What do I tell him?
What do I tell him?
Tell him not to do
anything until we get there.
Do not do anything until we get to you.
He didn't hear, he didn't hear.
- He can't hear, he can't hear.
- Oh come on.
- Vic, Vic!
- Chuck, it's Bruce.
Don't do anything until we get there.
- Do you understand?
- What?
- Dude, you're breaking up.
- All right, Bruce out.
What do we do?
What do we do, what do we do?
- Vic, Vic.
- What do we do, what do we do
- Vic, Vic!
- What do we do,
what do we do?
Don't worry.
We're gonna do what we always do.
On my mark,
we go for it.
There's no turning back now.
You ready?
Five, fift, 500?
That could be a two?
I wrote the number on my hand
but then I sneezed.
And so, I could, a two?
Oh god!
Take it easy Murph, Murph!
Easy, all right?
It's around here somewhere.
We're gonna find it.
And if my sense of smell
is any good at all,
it's right around,
that way!
Oh, 57, right here.
Our very first drug bust.
Now we can get that noose
around Bruce nice and tight.
Noose around Bruce.
Good one, Murph.
I have my moments.
Yes you do.
You wanna open it up?
Oh hell yeah.
Aw man, where's Chuck?
Forget about him, what about the bag?
Don't worry, don't worry,
I called in a distraction.
What kind of distraction?
The kind with high heels
and two days acting lessons?
What, what?
Find the zipper right there.
Yeah I'm working on it.
Tell me where's the zipper.
Oh boys!
- Let's open up,
- No fly.
Oh boys!
Oh boys!
Oh, no, I, Destiny,
the beautiful buxom bombshell am choking!
Oh if only there were some
manly men hall monitors
here to help me.
That might work.
Yeah, would you doubt me?
Don't doubt me.
Don't worry, Miss Destiny,
a man is here to save you!
But she asked for a manly man!
That's why I said I was gonna do it.
All right, all right, Murph,
Murph, Murph, listen up.
Look look, hold on, hold on.
We're missing the most important fact...
How are we gonna get that bag back?
No, but seriously, I'm the one
that actually saved the CPR doll.
Step aside!
I don't think I can.
I don't think this is the time
for Batman to relinquish his hold
because when we roleplay
I'm Batman and you're Robin.
But I don't wanna be Robin!
I'm Batman!
and I don't wear tights!
Do you mind?
She's really hurt.
I think she's really hurt.
Nah man, she's faking it.
Trust me, I know.
What are we gonna do?
I don't know, Murph.
We have to think of something!
Well that went really
far back there.
It's a miracle.
Mm, chocolate.
Oh no, the bag!
Come back here!
Okay now, take it easy.
We just wanna take you in nice and easy.
That's about it, you know?
You gotta get out of here right now.
Good luck!
Stop right there!
Whoah, whoah, whoah.
Miss Oterro.
Oh, no no no no.
Miss Oterro, I'm sorry.
Hi, how are you?
Okay, fine, look, I'll let you go
and you won't have to go to detention...
What, detention?
- Come on Miss Oterro.
- If you can tell me
what color is your bag.
It's red.
In Espaol.
- Eh, kung fu movie, huh?
- What up, what up?
Hey, what up?
I think it's rather nice.
Bam, what what what?
Let's go.
Oh Miss Oterro, come on.
The bag's right?
You know what?
Fine, just go, get out of here then.
Oh now you speak English.
No, stop him!
No, gentlemen.
Miss Oterro, we really...
We just gotta get.
Miss Oterro, Miss Oterro.
Please let us handle this.
You ready?
Oh yes.
There he is, there he is!
Go, go, go, go!
We got you now.
You're going down.
Oh he missed the door.
We gotta get him, go go go!
Go, go, go, go!
There we go!
Boom, ha!
Oh, easy, you are one fast little boy.
Quint wants you and we got you.
Oh, it's over, so over.
Your little bag too, Bauer.
I can see it now.
You guys are so screwed.
I think she's looking at us.
How'd she get up the stairs?
Vroom, vroom!
Oh, shhh.
Stop, no, stop!
Well, Mr. Bauer.
Fancy meeting you like this.
Don't fight it, Bauer.
It ain't worth the trouble.
You guys don't have
to be so rough, you know.
Well what do we have here?
A straw.
- Probably not important.
- Meh.
Toss it.
Look, I know what you
guys were trying to do
when you took this job, all right?
And that is?
You've just replaced
one bully for another.
Shut up.
You have no idea what
you're talking about.
Mr. Bruce Benjamin Bauer.
This is the little weasel who thinks
he's above the law.
Above the law?
Oh, I mean, Mr. Quint, I've
never done anything wrong.
I mean yeah maybe you
know, I'm not perfect, but,
You're almost as bad as
your little girlfriend was.
Tell me, Bruce, I seem to have forgotten.
What was her name again?
Ah, yes.
Scarlet O'Neil.
It seems just like yesterday that she was
in this very room standing
in that same spot,
acting all sweet and
innocent, begging for mercy.
Before I expelled her!
Well that's all very
interesting Miss O'Neil
but unfortunately, it's
not what the records say.
What do you have to say
for yourself, Miss O'Neil?
I'm sorry I didn't mean to...
Well that's enough Miss O'Neil,
I've made up my mind.
I've deliberated long and hard
- and someone
- What?
has to take the fall.
Someone needs to be made an example of.
So think of yourself as very special.
What does that mean?
Expelled, out!
You're finished here.
You're like the nips in Nakasaki, gone.
You want me to put it another way, good.
Finished, out of here, gone.
However you wanna put it,
you're no longer here.
Do you understand that?
Gone, gone!
Stop crying Miss O'Neil,
it'll be all right.
I hear there's lots to do in North Dakota.
She didn't deserve what you did to her.
Maybe not.
But there's one person who does.
I've observed you
wandering around the school
on my video cameras.
And now I even have this bag of evidence
that will put the final
nail in your coffin.
Brace yourself, Mr. Bauer.
This is where the fun begins.
We don't have the bag,
we don't have the supplies.
We don't have the supplies,
we can't start the war!
We can't start the war.
We are so,
What's the problem?
We lost the bag.
Uh, wrong, we lost Bruce.
We still have the bag.
We still have the bag?
We still have the bag.
Simply put, I went to the
locker and switched the bags.
So we still have the bag?
We still have the bag.
We still have the bag!
We still have the bag!
Let's get to work.
Mr. Quint, since you obviously
don't have anything on me
except for my dirty underwear,
sorry, it's been a long week.
I guess I'll just be going, right?
I mean I should be going to class.
Oh you think you beat me?
According to my records,
you've been late
91 times!
Oh, 91 times.
And correct me if I'm wrong, Mr. Bauer
but that's grounds for expulsion!
You're gonna expel me?
I have something worse in mind for you.
You are going to spend every day from now
until the time you graduate with me
after school in detention!
That is assuming of course
that you do graduate.
No, no, no, you can't do that.
You're going to learn, Mr. Bauer
that there's very little that I can do.
And when I'm done putting
my personal touches
on your file,
the next time you see
the inside of a school,
you'll be sweeping it.
And if you don't believe me,
try asking your little girlfriend Scarlet.
Get him out of here.
I'll see you after school.
Oh thank god.
What happened?
I got detention for the rest of my life.
That's bad.
Yeah, got a plan.
Well that's good.
Mr. Quint.
Kind of just frankly, we wanna know.
What the hell was that?
What did you just say?
What Murphy meant,
what he really meant was
was that really called for?
Bruce deserved to be punished, yes,
but to that degree?
Community service, detention, I mean,
he did make us chase him all over school.
Quit chattering like a bunch of dolphins
next to a fish bucket and get with it.
You forged official records, sir!
You're questioning my methods?
No, no, no sir.
No, I mean we're team players.
I wanna be on the same level.
We are a team, aren't we?
Of course we are.
And you know what they say about teams?
At all.
There is no I in teams.
- So true.
- It's true.
There are two Is in the word idiot!
You're fired!
Get out of here.
No, no, no, no.
That's not what I, it wasn't,
no, no.
And Nana always said I was
too fragile for public school.
Well, as the French say, adios.
Oh, this is all your fault.
My fault, how is it my fault?
Yes, if you were nearly
half as intelligent as me
we would not be in this predicament today.
Excuse me, who got left
back in the fifth grade?
Huh, huh, not me!
You're gonna bring that up?
You know that was a
really hard time for me.
I was going through the
loss of my nana's husband.
Oh boo hoo hoo hoo.
You've got to be out of your mind.
A minute ago, those two
were part of the problem.
Yeah, and now they're gonna become part
of the solution
Part of the solution?
It's not my fault my legs aren't
as freakishly long as yours!
Freakishly long?
My nana says I have beautiful legs.
Fuck your Nana.
You son of a bitch!
Swanson, Murphy!
You mind coming with me?
What's next, shmageggis, both of them.
Haha, well look who it is.
The guy who made us lose our careers.
You know what Bauer,
you can stick it.
Stick it on real far.
Up in there, Bauer.
'Cause nothing or
nobody's gonna make us go
anywhere with you.
Nothing, nada nobody.
All right Bruce, this place
is clear of all cameras.
But let's just make this quick before
a chem class comes in, all right?
Big guy?
All right guys.
I'm here to ask for your help.
I know all you guys were
trying to do was help.
But instead you became
the bullies that you hate.
In fact, you allied yourself
with the biggest bully of them all.
At least under Quint, we
were making a difference.
Yeah I mean, without
Quint we're nothing.
You guys are not nothing!
I think you two should stop
putting yourselves down.
Look, for a few hours you
guys had everything you want.
Then Quint reached out
and tore it away from you.
Anyone should know what
that feels like, it's me.
That's why I'm asking you to help me
take down Quint once and for all.
You want us to help you take down Quint?
Take down who?
Who, who, who?
Are you out of your crazy mind?
Yeah next we'll hop on our magic carpet
and go to lollipop land.
More dirty laundry?
Oh, I could still taste it.
Open the bag, numbnuts.
All right.
But I'm not being held responsible
for what happens next.
Straws, spitballs?
I knew you were up to something, Bauer,
I knew it!
I give you
Operation Last Straw.
So tell me, what's to stop me and Murph
from going to Quint right
now and ratting you out?
Yeah, what's to stop us,
wait why would we go to Quint?
Because, cause,
if we go to Quint, we might
get our old jobs back.
Ah yeah.
So I ask you, what's stopping us?
I'm giving you everything you need
to get back with Quint.
If you do that, nothing changes.
He'll eventually bully
and abandon you again.
But if you come with me,
you guys can clean up the
school the way you want.
And you could put order and discipline
back into this school.
Not as Swanson and
Murphy the hall monitors,
but as Swanson and Murphy the hall heroes.
I like heroes.
Well, me and my cohort
here were discussing,
We're in!
Not in those threads you're not.
Boys, we got the tools
and now we got the talent!
We're friends now!
At 1500 hours,
we go to war.
Yes sir!
I think my balls just dropped.
Absolutely badass.
Sniveling little pukes
crying their little eyes out.
You want something done right
you do it yourself.
Look at them all
behaving like a little bunch of ruffians.
Who do they think they are?
It's anarchy.
Get back in class.
Who restores order?
Wolfgang Quint.
The man, yes, the man.
The man who restored order.
Whatever, you,
I give you credit for having some guts.
But I'll give you to the count of three
before you all become
accustomed to a new word.
Mr. Bauer.
Just as I thought.
Not flying under the
radar any longer, are we?
You have no idea how
long I've been waiting
for this one, Quint.
Oh and look who you have with you.
Tweedledee and Tweedledumber.
You're in violation of
Code C, Section Four, sir.
Fraud, forgery, and abuse of power.
Serious charges come
with serious penalties.
Enough to get you fired.
We can do this one of two ways, Quint.
A, you come with us down
to Principal Kelly's office
and you confess to all of your crimes.
Let's try option B.
We humiliate you, punish you,
and then take you down there anyway.
So what's it gonna be, Quint?
A or B?
What do we have here?
The rejects from Arts and Crafts.
The cream of the crop.
Well I've seen better heads on pimples.
It reminds me of my days
herding preschoolers
in the reject school.
But you're all going to
figure out one thing.
There's two types of people in this world.
Those who make the rules
and those that get in my way.
And you are all
in my way!
Gentlemen, ladies.
He's retreating!
I've been hit.
So that's how it's gonna go down, huh?
Well that's how they wanna play it.
They're not going to
get me without a fight.
Where'd he go?
Oh no, the window's open.
Oh man, oh man!
This is not good.
How'd he get in there?
You're gonna find out
that I'm like a bad rash.
I don't go away.
Outside, move, move, move!
Looking for me?
Who wants first place in
the asskicking competition?
You do!
I'll settle for second.
Gonna need more shot guns!
That's enough, Pancho Villa.
One two!
Come on!
Moving up, moving up, come on!
Could use that gun
right about now, babe.
Babe, where's that gun?
Where's that gun babe?
Almost ready babe.
Babe, what are you
putting on makeup for?
We're getting killed out here
in the battle right now.
I want to look good for the war.
Vic, where's that gun,
where's that gun, come on?
You ready?
Say goodbye mad Quint!
Screw you, screw it!
Now take it, take it, take it!
Ah, yippe kie yay mother!
Yeah, yeah, Destiny, give
it to him, give it to him!
Time for plan D.
Where you going?
Come on!
Where you guys going?
Come on, get back here!
What's plan D?
Oh boy.
Hello, Chico.
Meet the man.
He got hit!
Well we don't have
to, we're not obliged.
It's our duty.
We have to help him.
All right.
I love you, man.
I love me too.
That's why you're going first.
Can you move?
No, Murph.
I can see stars.
It's getting so dark.
I couldn't take a,
So dark.
Swanson, Murphy.
You chose your friends poorly.
This time it'll cost you.
Three down.
One to go.
Well, well, well.
Well, Mr. Bauer.
I guess this is what they call the climax.
So this is how it ends.
Well I'm here to tell
you that I'm rewriting
this little parable.
You see this is when
Goliath defeats David.
And when you get to taste
the cold steel of discipline,
I suggest you close your
eyes for this, Mr. Bauer.
That way I can always
say I showed you mercy
at the end.
I wanna be able to
tell my Scarlet, Quint,
that I defeated you as
the Bruce that she knew
and not the one that you made me become.
Defiant to the end.
Have it your way.
I guess that'll teach you to mess
with the Dean of Discipline.
What the hell is going on here?!
Principal Kelly.
Help me.
I need to make a report.
I have a child, a
student laid on the floor.
And you, what the hell
happened to your clothes?
Mr. Quint just went nuts
and has been chasing me
around the entire school.
No, Principal Kelly.
And he nailed me in the face
and I just wanna get out of here.
Can you please get him off me please?
You lying little sack of...
What the hell is the matter with you?
You, you're crazy.
Get into my office!
That's right, I am crazy.
Crazy for that little Bruce Bauer!
Certifiable, Quint.
Shut up!
These kids are just crazy!
I'm sorry.
I'll pay for that.
of Robert Hobdy High,
this is Principal Kelly speaking.
Just a few announcements.
The third floor is still closed
as it goes through our fully expected
routine annual sterilization
and maintenance cleanup procedure.
So please go about your day
as if nothing happened at all.
In completely unrelated news,
Mr. Quint has stepped
down as Dean of Discipline
after what he feels is an
overwhelming improvement
in the school's behavior.
Way to go, guys.
Oh these kids
in their wheelchairs!
I'd like
to commend hall monitors
Swanson and Murphy for
their excellent work.
They truly are hall heroes.
Thank you and please have a nice day.
All right guys, we're back.
I'm Swanson!
I'm Murphy!
And this is your five minute warning.
So we all ask that you please move
to your nearest classroom
at your soonest convenience
'cause as you all know,
We love you guys.
And of course we have plans.
Chess club tonight!
- Woo!
- Woo.
This is discipline.
Excuse me.
- Bruce!
- Hey guys.
Vic the Slick.
Mr. Murphy.
Mr. Swanson.
And of course, the man that
made all this possible.
Seor Bruce.
Thank you, thank you so much.
Ever since the little
insurrection against Quint,
business has been booming.
Hey, hey, hey hey.
I know what you're thinking, but no.
It's all educational materials now.
Vic the Slick has gone straight.
When were you gay?
Anyway, Bruce, since we gotta thank you,
we might have got you a little something.
Let's just say that Vic the Slick
can not only get anything,
he can get anyone too, mhmm.
What'd you guys get me?
She's been waiting a
long time for you, Bruce.
Fricking beautiful.
I love happy endings.
I do too babe.
From you.
You ready?
I was born ready.
All right, next class, in you go.
- Let's go move!
- Hey guys, come on!
Go go go go!
I told you that I would
clean up the school.
Important announcement.
Janitor Quint, please
report to the men's bathroom
with your mop and bucket.
The toilets have overflowed again.
You're gonna need a bigger bucket.
And back by popular demand,
Salisbury steak tacos.
I just wanna dance.
Back to work.