The Last Thanksgiving (2020) Movie Script
(logo whooshes)
(woman screams)
(logo whooshing)
(ominous music)
Your daughter is going
to be late for work.
She's a big girl.
She can get herself ready.
Lisa Marie!
Lisa Marie!
Lisa Marie!
(faint music)
Lisa Marie!
Take me, Jesus.
(upbeat rock music)
I'm ready.
Oh, oh, oh
Ah
Ooh
Lisa Marie!
Yes!
Oh, there you are. Aren't you
going to be late for work?
- Please don't look at my work schedule.
- Don't avoid the issue at hand.
You can't seriously expect me
to go to work on Thanksgiving.
[Mom] Oh, yes, I can.
Responsibility is not
something to be taken lightly.
You have a job. You
need to do it.
Then I quit.
Oh, no, you won't.
You can quit if you
go back to college.
We'll have a special
Thanksgiving next week just for you.
How about, tomorrow, we take
you to a restaurant you want?
Chili's?
No, wait, now you're
avoiding the issue.
I don't wanna work when the rest
of my family is coming here.
I never see them.
You hate the rest
of your family.
Please, Lisa Marie. You
have to learn to grow up.
When I was young-
Oh, ew, stop, I'll go.
Who made the deviled eggs?
I did.
They taste iffy.
You evil...
Honey.
Sorry, but she can be
such a bitch sometimes.
(upbeat rock music)
Home
Ah, ooh
Ah, ooh
I'm a bitch?
(car engine rumbles)
Fuck them!
Who needs Thanksgiving anyways?
(car engine roars)
(traffic roars)
(old lady screams)
God damn it, Jill!
Not today, mom,
I swear to God.
That Lisa Marie is a
menace to the neighborhood.
[Old Lady] We have to
go back so I can change.
Then we'll be late.
Please!
My way back home
Oh
Ah
(leaves rustling)
(ominous music)
(blender whirring)
Kurt, can you come
and get one of these?
- Don't mind me.
- It just needed a little flavoring.
Do you want a sandwich?
No, I'm saving
room for dinner.
- That's good.
- I'd hope so.
(ominous music)
Try not to make
too much of a mess.
(knocking)
Trip, it's me, Cordelia.
I made lunch.
I wish you wouldn't
wear that for me.
I have such a handsome
little brother.
Okay, I wish you
weren't afraid of me.
I think you're beautiful.
Try and eat something, okay?
(foreboding music)
I have food.
(knocking)
I guess I'll leave it here then.
(footsteps echoing)
(door creaks)
(ghastly moaning)
(flags fluttering)
(foreboding music)
(traffic roars)
You're only 20 minutes late.
That's responsible.
Go watch "The Craft" for
the 50th time, you poser?
Why don't you eat me,
malnourished nympho?
I'll sleep on it, Trudy.
No one gets me.
(slow rock music)
Hey
Oh, my.
God, what a shitty trash heap.
Hey, you okay, friend?
I have spend my entire
Thanksgiving dinner
being here, doing dick.
Are you okay?
- I never really liked Thanksgiving.
I was always more of a Halloween
slash Christmas kind of guy.
I'll watch Ghouly's Special and
that'll hold me over til next year.
God, you're a nerd.
But we can make the
best of being here.
I'm going ask out Tyler tonite
and I could use a good wing man.
He's a bit old for you, and
I'm 100% sure Tyler's not gay.
But he's so gosh darn tall.
Whatever happened to Craig?
Oh, he did that
eyebrow-raised half-smile thing
The Rock does all the time,
but he had no reason
to be that confident.
It was embarrassing.
Life's embarrassing.
Yeah, well, I seem
to get the brunt of it.
Remember in 7th grade
when I crapped myself at
Hailey Weinfeld's bat mitzvah?
Everybody called me
Sharty McTabernackle
for a year and a half.
(indistinct rock music)
There is no way
Jerry's going to be able to
make Thanksgiving dinner.
He always messes everything up.
Why don't you go home?
I can handle things around here.
It's not like I have
anybody waiting for me.
Charlie didn't
come home this year?
He's with his
girlfriend's family,
and we're not quite on
speaking terms right now.
Girl, I'm so sorry.
Well, you don't have to
worry about anything from me.
(both chuckle)
- I love you.
- I love you too.
Now, what kind of
sandwich did you make me?
BLT. You?
BLT.
[Both] You read my mind, jinx!
How cute.
You guys should make out.
Mr. Pearl, I have
to speak to you.
Yes, Trudy?
Goodness, girl, what
happened to your face?
Who's the kumquat?
This kumquat is my father,
and if you're going to smoke,
please do it behind
the restaurant.
You're scaring away
potential customers.
Mr. Pearl, I need to
talk to you for a sec.
Hello, Ms. Marie.
Hey, Mr. Pearl's dad.
That was my father's name.
I'm Mr. Pearl Senior.
Oh, have some candy.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Well, I guess you can go
ahead and have one too.
Please ignore him.
What do you two want?
I can't work here
today, and if you make me,
I will burn this
place to the ground.
Oh, I'd get in on that.
No, no, no, stop, okay?
You two, out of the office.
Staff meeting in 10 minutes.
Do you see what I have
to deal with here?
Eh, they'll be all right.
Listen, you just do
what you think is best.
After all, it's
your business now.
I know, but I should
probably just let them go.
Nobody's going to
come today anyway.
Well, just do what
you think is right.
As for me, I'm going
to get a drink.
(foreboding music)
(car engine roars)
I just wanted to wish
you good luck.
Oh, thanks, Cordie.
Yeah, and be careful.
I don't think I could stand
losing another sister or brother.
No problem, right, Trip?
I think that means right.
Don't come in the front door.
Everything's gonna be ready.
- I can't wait.
(foreboding music)
Are you kidding?
(peaceful music)
Thanks, Tyler.
Hey, Tyler.
(Tyler roars)
(Tyler laughs)
So, Mr. Pearl's going to
call a staff meeting today.
Fun, fun.
Right?
Any chance I can get a drink?
Isn't it a bit early for that?
He's drinking.
It's just a coke.
And you're not 21.
What if I trade you
information?
[Tyler] I don't think so.
You can tell me anyways though.
So, Eddie's going
to ask you out.
He's a bit young for me.
And I'm not gay.
You don't need
to tell me that.
Oh, I did have to, didn't I?
Gee, thanks.
Well, I'd be nicer if you
had ever answered my calls.
- Well, bye, then.
- I think I'll be okay.
I'm with Buddy now, so I
see him like every day.
Look, just let Eddie
down easy, okay?
He's like the
nicest person here.
You can be nice sometimes.
Fat chance.
Lick my clit, you
psychotic cunt!
I don't know. I try to be.
Well, I won't have
to let anybody down.
I'll just deflect.
Deflect.
Yeah, now scram.
Good talk.
Hi, Eddie.
Oh, hey, Tyler, what's up?
Nothing much, and you?
There's something
I've been meaning to ask you.
That's perfect, because I
have to tell you something too.
Really?
So, I've never told
anyone this before,
and I really need to
get it off my chest.
Yeah.
You're like the nicest person
here, so I feel I can trust you.
- Yeah, of course, sure.
- Okay.
I'm a little bit...
Psychic.
What?
It's just something I've
always had to live with.
So, like, you can
see the future?
Sometimes.
In flashes.
(Eddie chuckles)
Okay, can you prove it?
Maybe.
Let me think.
(ominous music)
(peaceful rock music)
I think Mr. Pearl is
about to call a meeting.
Well, that, okay.
Anyways, I thought I'd
just go ahead and ask you-
[Mr. Pearl] Can I get
everyone here for a meeting?
- Duty calls.
- Psychic?
I got you all out here
because I wanted to apologize.
I thought we'd have
better business today.
So are you going
to let us go home?
Oh, good, then I can
fix my husband's dinner.
Unless you need us here.
I thought right now would be
a good time to tidy
everything up, and...
You guys are like a
second family to me.
I know that we don't
always get the chance
to all spend time together,
so I thought we could
do a group photo.
It is Thanksgiving,
after all, so...
Oh.
(indistinct rock music)
(camera clicks)
Perfect.
So, if no other paying
customers come through the door,
then you can all go
after we tidy up.
- Fantastic!
- Oh, thank God.
[Chef] I can see
my grandchildren.
Oh, hello?
Are you open?
[Both] Fuck!
(foreboding music)
(knocking)
Hey there, you awake?
It's Thanksgiving,
so I just wanted to say
happy one year anniversary.
You never know how these
things are going to go,
so I wanted to say thank
you for being here for me
when they're gone.
You're a really great listener,
but there's nothing
else you can do.
It's funny.
I've been missing the way
things used to be a lot lately.
I mean, we used to only kill
a couple of people a year,
because pretty much everybody
celebrated Thanksgiving,
but now people just don't care,
and it's getting
really repetitious,
and our plan's been
done to death.
Maggie knocks on the door,
says that her van's
broken down up the road,
and needs a phone.
Eventually, there's a chase.
Trip shows up, and
what happens happens.
(blood splatters)
(woman screams)
One or two things may
go off the rails,
and she might turn
the tables on us
or the boyfriend will show up,
but that just means we
have leftovers 'til Monday.
(kitchen wrap rustling)
(ominous music)
But they always win.
(man screams)
(flesh ripping)
(man groaning)
(woman sobbing)
(blood splattering)
Killing people's so fun.
I mean, there's nothing better,
especially when we're quick
enough to get off a good line.
Do you smoke, Carol?
You will in a second.
(Carol sobs)
I just...
I wish we were seeing
some progress.
(match crackles)
(ominous music)
(fire booms)
(chef screams)
What did I just do?
Your equilibrium's
all outta wack.
We're having to work
here on Thanksgiving.
Mrs. Kim, Ms. Perez, is
there anything I can help with?
Aren't you supposed to
be working the counter?
I figured I'd come back here
and see if you guys
needed any help.
[Both] Aw.
Hello?
(door clicks)
Are you guys open?
Yeah.
Uh, the entrance is on the
other side of the building.
Yeah, I'm actually
looking for a job.
Oh, well, then the manager's
office is right over there.
Thanks.
Nice meeting you all.
Weird day to go job hunting.
Not in this economy.
Nice picture.
(door knocking)
Come in.
I hope this is a good time.
What's happening?
I need a job.
And you're asking today?
My family ate
here a few weeks ago,
and mentioned about you
being open on Thanksgiving.
Yeah, business is
business, right?
Right.
Mr. Pearl, Trudy can cover
my tables, so can I please go?
Lisa Marie, just the
person I was looking for.
This man...
Kurt, Kurt is
interested in a job,
and he needs to shadow someone,
so could you take him
to one of your tables
and show him how it's done?
But Mr. Pearl, I-
Want to take out the trash?
- No.
- Yes.
God damn it!
Come on.
- Thank you, sir.
- No problem.
Can I leave after I
take out the trash?
Whatever turns your boat on.
Whatever floats your boat?
Oh my God.
(indistinct rock music)
Hi, your order's almost ready.
How are you doing?
- Fine.
I was thinking of
changing my order
from the turkey to a salad.
But your turkey's
almost ready.
The cooks would crucify me.
But I'm a vegetarian.
Well, then why would you...
Trudy.
Mr. Pearl told me to
take out the trash.
She's your customer now.
Oh, oh, and this is Kurt.
He's going to be shadowing you.
(indistinct rock music)
- Hi, I'm Kurt.
- Calm down.
Where's the rest of your party?
I'm alone.
(Trudy chuckles)
What do you need?
(traffic distantly roaring)
You know what's really funny?
Whenever I'm working,
I'm counting down the
minutes until I get a break,
but whenever I get a
break, I get bored,
and I count down the seconds
until I can work again.
Yeah, that's crazy.
Are you going home?
[Lisa Marie] God damn it!
She's going to
see her boyfriend.
That's it.
I'm going to go see Buddy.
(ominous music)
The salad?
I'm sorry.
She changed her mind.
But we just
finished the turkey.
I don't know what
else to tell you.
You want this?
No thanks, I have
a big dinner later.
(phone buzzes)
Excuse me.
Yeah?
How far are you?
(ominous music)
We're on our way now.
You can knock off one
or two without us,
as long as you keep things
quiet and save some for dinner.
Yeah, I can do that.
All right, see you soon.
So who was that?
My ride.
I should be leaving soon.
(foreboding music)
Kurt, do you need
an application?
Actually...
Actually, I'm gonna
need to sleep on it.
Well, that's fine.
Do you want anything
before you go?
We can cook you up
something in the kitchen.
Hm, I'm more in the
mood for seafood.
What?
A whisk.
What are you gonna
do with a whisk?
Well...
(tense music)
(Mr. Pearl groaning)
Here it comes.
Here comes the choo-choo!
(Mr. Pearl screaming)
(flesh splattering)
(Ms. Perez sighs)
(Mr. Pearl screaming)
(flesh splattering)
See food, get it?
(Kurt chuckles)
(somber music)
I'm all done here.
Good, we can finally
clock out and go home.
Mr. Pearl was hoping
one of you ladies
would show me
around the walk-in?
Fine, I guess I'll do it.
Excellent.
(foreboding music)
Buddy?
- Hey, girl.
- Hey, Buddy.
What are you doing spending
your Thanksgiving here with me?
I wanted to see you.
Oh, well, that's so sweet.
The darker the berry,
the sweeter the juice.
You're not black.
Is that what that means?
(upbeat rock music)
Oh, what?
I wanna hear some MJ.
I was going to play
some Thanksgiving music.
Okay, like...
I can't think of any
Thanksgiving songs.
I know. The only one that
I can remember is
"Over The River & Through The Woods".
- "Over The River & Through The Woods"?
Like, over the river and through
the woods, to grandmother's...
That's a Christmas song.
- It's definitely a Thanksgiving song.
- No, it isn't!
- Yes, it is.
- No, it isn't!
Shut up!
The only reason there
are no Thanksgiving songs
is because no one wants to
write one about an
outdated, hypocritical,
appropriation fest.
Geez Louise.
Cool it, Trudy.
I'll cool it when the
turkey's off the oven.
White men just love patting
themselves on the back
because they shared a
meal with a minority
whilst ignoring the rape
and murder that follows.
Oh, it's so nice seeing
someone so sensitive
to the plight of minorities.
Fucking white men.
They'll paint portraits
of themselves
giving food to the hungry
and charity to the needy.
All they do is take!
God damn Indian givers!
Nevermind.
Oh, wow.
(foreboding music)
Here's the washer.
Back here, we have
the frozen meats.
We have bacons and ground beefs.
Now, the artichokes,
they're not over here,
because somebody told me
artichoke hearts are vegetables.
Could have fooled me.
I'll try to remember that.
Now, over here, we have some
mushrooms, some black olives,
some bacon bits for
the mashed potatoes.
- Hey, Mrs. Kim.
- Kimberly! (Knife clatters)
The young people
are playing music,
and I want to show them how
you and I looked in the 80s.
Woo!
Sorry, I'm gonna have to
show you around later.
Can put on some Chuck Berry?
- I love Chuck Berry!
[Mrs. Kim] Girl, you
know I know you do!
[Ms. Perez] Let's go.
Jesus.
(gentle synth music)
Wait, wait.
Can we rain check 'til
after I get off work?
Nobody else is here.
My manager could
always come back.
I'd get in really big trouble
if he knew someone
else was in here.
Fine.
So, what do you wanna do?
Well, I have to set up
"Santa Claus Conquers The
Martians" on the projector,
you know, maybe now's a good
time to run through my new script.
Buddy.
It's a prequel to
"I Heart Huckabees."
It's called "I Hate Applebee's."
That's a bad joke, Buddy.
Is it really a bad joke if
it made the Lisa Marie smile?
(Lisa Marie chuckles)
"Santa Claus
Conquers The Martians"
isn't much of a
Thanksgiving movie.
Yeah, but we're starting
a Christmas series tonight.
I mean, can you think of any
really good Thanksgiving movies?
"Adam's Family Values"?
Okay, yeah, but that
costs money to show.
So, anyway, so, my movie
idea, it's kind of like
a future "She's All That" meets
"Sleepaway Camp," and I was-
Oh, you have like
a real movie idea.
Well, yeah.
Anyway, I was thinking we'd get
Gary Busey and Demi
Moore to star.
How are you gonna
get Demi Moore?
Well, it'll be later in my
career when I have some clout.
Good luck with that.
You know, Lisa Marie,
a little bit of support
might go a long way here.
Maybe drop the mean
act once in a while.
Mean act?
Yeah, you can't always
be that big of a bitch
without a little bit
of effort, right?
Gee, thanks.
Shit.
(traffic roaring)
Hey, Dad?
Can you pick me up?
No, no, no, Dad, they
didn't close the restaurant.
No, Dad.
Dad!
(upbeat disco music)
Now I know you're
gone for good
If I only could
have you back
Right next to me
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
If you will look for
me, I will look for you
If you come back for me,
I will come back for you
If you will look for
me, I will look for you
If you come back for me,
I will come back for you
(upbeat disco music)
[Lisa Marie] Mr. Pearl's dad?
You don't wanna dance
with an old cripple.
Of course I do.
Then let's go.
(upbeat disco music)
You look like you
could use a smoke.
No kidding.
(traffic distantly roaring)
You know, these things will
really cut into your life.
The sooner I die,
the sooner I will stop
wanting to kill myself.
God damn Lisa Marie.
Hold this.
- Sure.
(traffic distantly roaring)
I swear, I do too much.
I bet you do, I bet you do.
- Say, you wanna see a trick?
- No.
Come on, something
you've never done before.
You've shotgunned
a smoke, right?
Since like the fifth grade.
Well, this is similar.
Better, even.
Close your eyes.
You aren't going to prank me, are you?
- Never.
Thank you. I hate when
people laugh at me.
You're welcome.
(ominous music)
Open your mouth.
Now breathe in.
(Trudy sighs)
(tense music)
(cigarette sizzles)
(Trudy coughing)
(Trudy sobbing)
[Trudy] Help!
(Trudy screams)
(flesh rips)
(ominous music)
How was the sister?
Crispy. I did a
whole smoking thing.
I just did a smoking thing
too, and the manager inside,
I got him in the eye, did
this whole seafood bit.
Great stuff.
(foreboding music)
You got the jammers, right?
Fuck.
(upbeat dance music)
She says
Hey, hey, hey,
whatcha gonna say
When it doesn't
matter what you do
And I say, oh, oh,
oh, all I really know
All I really know
Is I only wanna be
with you, be with you
Whoa, whoa, whoa, oh
She lives her life so free
Sometimes, it seems to me
Like she's the star
of an indie movie
Who is this?
Oh, this is my sister, Maggie.
Well, Maggie,
nice to meet you.
Are you leaving?
[Kurt] Soon.
Mrs. Kim, is it?
Yes, it is.
Why aren't you with your family?
Well, I guess I
lost track of time.
[Maggie] I'm sorry, for what?
Mrs. Kim?
(Kurt grunts)
(blood splatters)
Hey, hey, hey,
whatcha gonna say
Everybody wants
to bring you down
And I say, oh, oh, oh
[Ms. Perez] Stop!
All I really know is that
it's better when you're around
Do what you like
- Where are you going?
I have to carve my turkey.
Nothing quite gets the
job done like a knife.
Slow.
It's gonna be all right
And classy.
(tense music)
And she says
- Oh, no!
- Someone help me, god damn it!
(foreboding music)
(customer screaming)
Oh, damn it, help me, ah!
I'm here!
- Hold it shut!
- I am!
(customer grunts)
What the fuck's happening?
(sign buzzing)
(foreboding music)
They blocked the door.
They can't get out.
If they do, Trip's ready.
Watch the front door,
and I'm gonna do a sweep.
Starting with the
handicapped guy.
He's not going anywhere.
He can listen to
his friends die.
Let's kill the stragglers.
(Lisa Marie quietly sobs)
(faint rock music)
Oh, come on, come on, please!
Hello?
Hello?
No feet.
Tyler, I don't know
if you're doing
number one or number two.
Whatever you're doing,
you're doing it wrong.
Now, let's see what's behind
the lucky door number one.
Door number two.
And for $1,500, let's see
what's behind door number-
(Tyler grunts)
Fuck!
Open the door!
There's nobody
behind me, hurry up!
(faint rock music)
Why didn't you stop him?
I can't let the other two out.
Where is she?
[Maggie] They're
in here somewhere.
So, who do we have left?
(ominous music)
You're not in here,
are you, Lisa Marie?
Pick a name, by the way.
She's already in the kitchen.
Oh, is she?
Leave these kids alone.
You don't scare me, scumbag.
I killed my share of
men for this country,
so killing you two dip shits
for this restaurant
is going to be grass.
Okay, meals on wheels.
Mow me down.
(tense music)
(Kurt groans)
Not good at playing
fair, are ya?
Neither am I.
(Kurt grunts)
(Maggie groans)
(Mr. Pearl Senior grunting)
(Kurt grunts)
(tense music)
(Lisa Marie screams)
Let me the fuck in!
Open it, open it, open it!
You fucking cunt!
Let me the fuck in! Open it!
(Lisa Marie sobbing)
Of course, the one time I
decide to leave the house,
I walk into "The Most
Dangerous Game,"
and I don't even get
to be Fay Wray.
Sorry, what's your name again?
It's Paula.
Well, that's pretty.
You don't ever leave
your house, Paula?
I don't really
have a reason to.
I go get groceries and
I go to the bank.
(knife clanking)
Oh, you're slicing that
tomato all wrong, honey.
Hold up, come back here.
Don't break now.
We all have to be strong.
Hello?
I heard you, I just-
What?
Mr. Pearl's dad, I...
(solemn music)
When I was a kid, my
grandpa got really sick,
and I was alone with
him when he died,
and he started
shaking and gasping,
and he just reached his
hand out to touch me,
but I couldn't hold it...
Because he wasn't
my grandpa anymore.
He lost all this weight
and his skin was all gray,
and he just looked like a
skeleton wrapped in loose skin,
and I loved him so much.
And I abandoned him.
And this nice old man
outside just died,
trying to save my life,
and I didn't do anything,
and I really didn't think I was
gonna ever feel this way again.
I'm sorry about all that,
but I need you to move
past all this right now
because we need you.
You don't need me.
All I'm good at is
being a nasty bitch.
Don't you ever
call yourself that.
Being strong doesn't
make you that.
I'm so awful to everybody.
Maybe you have all this energy
and you haven't found
a good outlet for it,
and maybe you're a fighter.
You've just never had
anything to fight.
(Lisa Marie laughs)
That's really cheesy.
It was, wasn't it?
But it's true though.
You have a fire.
You can do anything.
(car engine rumbles)
[Tyler] Everybody!
- Are you gonna be all right?
- Don't worry about me.
Out the kitchen door, quick!
We can go out the front
while he's in the back lot.
(tense music)
(group screams)
- Back, back, back, back!
(foreboding music)
(group screams)
Go, go, go, go, go!
(Eddie groaning)
Please don't leave
me like this!
I won't.
Try to stop moving!
(ominous music)
(Kurt shouts)
(Lisa Marie screams)
(Lisa Marie grunting)
No!
How long can you
hold your breath?
(Lisa Marie sobs)
(tense music)
Don't you touch him!
(Paula grunts)
(Eddie coughs)
(Paula groaning)
(blood splatters)
(Paula screams)
(Lisa Marie groaning)
(Lisa Marie grunts)
(foreboding music)
(Paula groaning)
(metal door slams)
(machine whirring)
(ominous music)
[Eddie] We need to go!
- No!
- We need to go!
We'll call back for
help, I promise!
(foreboding music)
[Eddie] Over here!
(car beeps)
(car engine rumbles)
(Kurt sighs)
How fun, a chase.
(car engine rumbles)
Woo!
(car engine roars)
(foreboding music)
(Lisa Marie panting)
(Lisa Marie sobs)
God, she looks like
she's in trouble.
Ugh, it's Lisa Marie.
Oh, gross.
(both laugh)
(both laughing)
(car whooshes)
Motherfuckers!
(ominous music)
Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck!
[Tyler] Calm down, Eddie!
- How is there no fucking signal?
Whatever you need
to do to calm down,
I'm gonna need you to do it.
(upbeat rock music)
(traffic distantly roaring)
[Movie Character]
Why did you run away?
I don't know.
[Lisa Marie] Buddy!
[Child] Uh-oh!
(tense music)
Buddy?
(polar bear growling)
[Child] What's that?
Buddy, Buddy, Buddy!
(polar bear growling)
(dramatic music)
Buddy!
[Child] It's okay,
Benny, I'll go take a look.
(foreboding music)
[Little Kid] I see it!
I see Santa's rooftop!
- Buddy, Buddy, Buddy!
[Child] Where?
(tense music)
(Buddy groans)
Where?
(blood splatters)
- Buddy!
[Child] The lights are moving!
(dramatic music)
They're coming closer!
Benny, that's not Santa's house.
[Benny] Well, what is it?
[Child] I don't know.
(traffic distantly roaring)
(solemn music)
(indistinct rock music)
So I guess you're
not psychic, huh?
What?
You said you were psychic,
I feel like you would have said
something about our coworkers
being murdered today.
I'm...
I'm sorry.
Yeah, don't worry about it.
(foreboding music)
Oh no.
[Tyler] What is it?
He's coming.
Follow me!
(dramatic music)
(wind howling)
(footsteps clattering)
(tense music)
(Lisa Marie screaming)
(foreboding music)
Hey, boys.
Nice night for a drive, huh?
Leave us alone!
Think fast.
(Tyler screams)
- [Tyler] What the fuck is that?
- Oh my God!
(gas whooshing)
(ominous music)
(faint rock music)
Tyler, Tyler, wake up!
Hi, Eddie.
(car door rattles)
Hey, where are you going?
That's right, sleep.
I'm taking you to
your new home now.
Night night, buttercup.
(ominous music)
You're awake.
Welcome to our
Thanksgiving celebration.
Where's Tyler?
Well, he got loose and
thinks he can escape.
Trip's not gonna
let that happen.
Anyways, it goes
without saying that
none of you will ever be
seeing your families again,
so we're going to give
you one last opportunity
to tell them how thankful
you are for them.
This is all because
we weren't with our
families on Thanksgiving?
(Lisa Marie chuckles)
You mean you're going
to let us call out?
Don't mistake this for trust.
Giving a thanks is a tradition.
And if any of you say
that you're in trouble
or start a text, my brother
will shoot you in the heart.
(ominous music)
You first.
I have no one to call.
You better think
of someone quick.
And not the police.
Remember that?
I think we handled
that pretty well.
(somber music)
Charlie, it's your mom.
If you're there, please
answer the phone.
I'm sorry things got out of
hand, but I need you to answer.
I love you.
I love you so much and
I need you to answer.
I just need to hear your
voice one last time.
Ah!
(hammer bangs)
(Eddie whimpers)
That sounded awfully close
to an, "I'm in trouble."
Please, don't try anything.
(ominous music)
(wolf howls)
(eerie music)
(people screaming)
(man cackling)
(thunder rumbling)
Welcome back to our Thanksgiving
night's Spookapalooza, ghouly fans!
For those of you
just now joining us,
we couldn't find a
Thanksgiving Day horror movie,
so we're showing "Friday
The 13th" again.
(Ghouly cackles)
I hate this. Where is she?
She does this every
other time we get into it.
She'll be back in a day or two.
(phone ringing)
Lisa Marie, thank goodness.
Where are you?
Well, that's all right.
Just let us know next time.
Well, I love you too, honey.
Are you sure you're all right?
(dog whimpers)
You're not usually
so complimentary.
Very funny, just-
(hammer bangs)
(Lisa Marie sobs)
She just hung up on me.
Last one.
You're up, Lacey.
(ominous music)
(Eddie panting)
Dad, I...
(Eddie whimpers)
Idiot.
(hammer bangs)
(Eddie whimpers)
(blade whooshes)
(Ms. Perez screams)
(Lisa Marie gasping)
(Eddie groaning)
(foreboding music)
Kurt, can you get Ms.
Perez set up at the table?
Me and, uh, Lisa Marie, is it?
Yes.
How would you like to do
some Thanksgiving Day cooking?
(ominous music)
Cutting it a little close
for dinner, aren't you?
We don't need a
lot of prep time.
The key is separating
the pieces beforehand.
(ominous music)
Mm, good gravy.
Is your sister's body mixed
in with the rest of the parts?
No, Trip is outside,
burying her.
Family isn't food.
Wanna throw some of that
compassion over here?
I'm sorry if you don't
agree with our diet,
but tradition's tradition.
When did eating people
become a Thanksgiving tradition?
A good long while ago.
At this point, there's
nothing more American.
(ominous music)
(ax whooshes)
(tense music)
(Tyler shouts)
(blood splatters)
(intense music)
(Tyler groaning)
(Tyler screams)
Well, the table's all set,
and the guests are ready.
Good. Tell Trip that dinner
will be ready in an hour.
Sure, just one more thing.
Yeah, after last year, I think
we should give the gun up.
Too much power, you know?
This group is a feisty bunch.
You sure? I can hold it.
I'm sure.
Have fun.
- Thanks.
Are you two fucking?
Gross.
I mean, he is yummy
though, isn't he?
That's disgusting.
Oh, wow.
I think I have something
you might like the taste of.
A Thanksgiving turkey.
(ominous music)
Have you ever seen
anything so beautiful?
Buddy?
But this turkey's not
gonna fit in the oven as-is.
(electric knife whirring)
No, no, wait, please!
Let's begin.
Please, please, wait,
wait, please, no!
No, stop!
Buddy!
(Lisa Marie sobs)
Well, let's cut up the rest.
(electric knife whirring)
(blood splatters)
(foreboding music)
All right, everybody.
(thunder rumbling)
Turkey's ready.
I already ate.
Get him off the table!
Every year.
How can you possibly
expect us to eat our friend?
If you don't, we
can move right along
to picking the
closet or the pit.
(thunder rumbling)
The pit, what's the pit?
The gravy pit.
[Ms. Perez]
What's a gravy pit?
(steam hisses)
Uh, a pit of gravy.
Well, it's not actually gravy.
It just starts to look like
gravy after it sits for a while.
This is all very excessive.
Why don't you just have a
normal fucking Thanksgiving?
We are.
No, you're not.
You're killing and
eating people.
It's evil.
We're not evil.
We don't do this for ourselves.
We do it for her.
[Cordelia] To
honor her memory.
Who is?
An old relative.
Abigail Brimstone,
one of the passengers
on the Mayflower
and coordinators of
the first Thanksgiving.
In 1620, the Mayflower
landed on American soil,
and the pilgrims
settled in Plymouth.
During the first winter,
half of them died.
The remaining pilgrims
sold their souls,
praying for a miracle.
In the spring,
the savages came,
and taught the pilgrims
primitive harvesting techniques.
Their bounty flourished,
and in late November,
the pilgrims had a
celebration, a three-day feast.
The first Thanksgiving.
So, today is very
important to us.
What does that have to
do with eating people?
Our Abigail organized
the whole thing,
and even did most
of the cooking.
[Kurt] And the Indians
arrived uninvited.
They brought a couple of deer,
but it wasn't nearly
enough to feed everybody,
not for three days.
[Cordelia] So,
Abigail got creative.
[Kurt] She offed a
few of the Indians,
served them as a main course,
and nobody was any the wiser,
because people taste
just like venin.
[Cordelia] In the following
years, she continued the tradition,
and as her family grew, so did
the Thanksgiving day feast.
[Kurt] Year by year.
[Cordelia] One by one.
(saw whirring)
[Kurt] They all
paid the price.
(man and woman screams)
(electricity sizzling)
(blood splattering)
(woman screams)
[Cordelia] And if
they fought us off...
Stop or I'll shoot her!
[Kurt] Or even
killed one of us...
(woman screams)
[Cordelia] We'd still
get them in the end.
(steam hisses)
(gun bangs)
(blood splatters)
(ominous music)
Whenever we'd find anybody
not showing the proper
respect to our holiday,
we'd make sure they'd celebrate,
whether they liked it or not,
and that's how things
have gone for 400 years.
That did not happen.
Oh, buddy.
Lisa Marie.
(thunder rumbling)
Yes?
What happened to those
ropes on your hand, hm?
You gonna try and hop away
like your little friend Eddie?
Uh.
Well, I guess we can't
trust you either.
(ominous music)
If you kill her,
we'll let you out.
(door slams)
No, no, no, please, please!
Fuck.
(Lisa Marie panting)
(guttural groaning)
(tense music)
(Lisa Marie screams)
Oh my God, please, please,
hurry, open the door!
(Lisa Marie gasping)
(monster gutturally groaning)
Please, don't!
(somber music)
(Lisa Marie gasps)
We'll both get out
of here, okay?
Good, good, good.
What did you do with them?
Well, Lisa Marie stopped
screaming, so not a great sign.
And Tyler's all set to make
a new member of the family.
Hopefully, this one
makes it to birth.
I hope it's a girl.
This is insane!
You're going to burn in hell,
and for what, to honor some
crazy dead pilgrim bitch?
Dead?
(foreboding music)
(fabric ripping)
(Tyler groans)
(ghostly gasping)
(somber music)
(thunder booming)
(blood splatters)
(Ms. Perez sobs)
See, it's not so bad.
Jesus, Trip, manners.
Ooh, looks like somebody
had a good time.
Tyler, what did
they do to you?
Go ahead, Trip.
(somber music)
(liquid sizzling)
Ugh, no!
You know, all in all, I'd say
this year went well.
You ready to go in the closet?
Why not?
Oh.
(suspenseful music)
Wouldn't you like some company?
I'm not going
in there, no, no!
No, ah!
(Tyler groaning)
(Tyler screams)
God damn it.
(creature grunts)
(blood splattering)
Kill him, kill him!
No, no!
(liquid sizzling)
(Tyler groaning)
(tense music)
(flesh squelches)
(flesh squelches)
(Cordelia groans)
(blood splatters)
(Trip grunts)
Don't you dare!
If you take one step closer,
I will kill your sister now!
(thunder rumbling)
(ominous music)
(Cordelia gasping)
Oh, no, you don't.
(foreboding music)
(Lisa Marie grunts)
You stupid bitch!
You...
What, more Thanksgiving
puns, more stupid quips?
Bitch.
No!
(Lisa Marie grunts)
You don't think Tyler or Eddie
or anybody else that
worked in that restaurant
loved their families?
You hypocritical monster!
But you didn't care.
You don't care about
values or family.
What do you care about?
You're no better
than a goddamn Indian.
They're called
Native Americans.
(electric knife whirring)
(blood splattering)
(Cordelia groans)
(tense music)
(Cordelia screaming)
(Lisa Marie screams)
Die, bitch!
(Lisa Marie screams)
(Tyler groans)
(Tyler screams)
(monster groans)
(Tyler shouting)
(Ms. Perez panting)
(Tyler shouting)
(monster groaning)
(blood splatters)
(ominous music)
Are you guys okay?
This is not a joke.
(distant thumping)
(ominous music)
They're getting away.
(gun clicks)
- No, they're not.
(suspenseful music)
(gun bangs)
(Trip groans)
(Abigail coughs)
(tense music)
(gun clicking)
Shit, shit!
Shit!
(gun clatters)
(suspenseful music)
(thunder rumbling)
Oh my God!
No, no!
No, please, no!
(Eddie grunts)
(blood splatters)
You like Thanksgiving?
(ominous music)
Happy fucking Thanksgiving.
(flesh squelches)
Eddie!
You're alive!
Barely.
(foreboding music)
(Abigail coughs)
So what are we
gonna do with her?
I have an idea.
(Abigail coughs)
(peaceful music)
I called 911.
They should be here any minute.
Good.
I think I need an ambulance.
Me too.
Oh, you definitely do.
(group chuckles)
(peaceful music)
(Abigail wheezing)
(gentle synth music)
(Abigail wheezing)
(woman screams)
(logo whooshing)
(ominous music)
Your daughter is going
to be late for work.
She's a big girl.
She can get herself ready.
Lisa Marie!
Lisa Marie!
Lisa Marie!
(faint music)
Lisa Marie!
Take me, Jesus.
(upbeat rock music)
I'm ready.
Oh, oh, oh
Ah
Ooh
Lisa Marie!
Yes!
Oh, there you are. Aren't you
going to be late for work?
- Please don't look at my work schedule.
- Don't avoid the issue at hand.
You can't seriously expect me
to go to work on Thanksgiving.
[Mom] Oh, yes, I can.
Responsibility is not
something to be taken lightly.
You have a job. You
need to do it.
Then I quit.
Oh, no, you won't.
You can quit if you
go back to college.
We'll have a special
Thanksgiving next week just for you.
How about, tomorrow, we take
you to a restaurant you want?
Chili's?
No, wait, now you're
avoiding the issue.
I don't wanna work when the rest
of my family is coming here.
I never see them.
You hate the rest
of your family.
Please, Lisa Marie. You
have to learn to grow up.
When I was young-
Oh, ew, stop, I'll go.
Who made the deviled eggs?
I did.
They taste iffy.
You evil...
Honey.
Sorry, but she can be
such a bitch sometimes.
(upbeat rock music)
Home
Ah, ooh
Ah, ooh
I'm a bitch?
(car engine rumbles)
Fuck them!
Who needs Thanksgiving anyways?
(car engine roars)
(traffic roars)
(old lady screams)
God damn it, Jill!
Not today, mom,
I swear to God.
That Lisa Marie is a
menace to the neighborhood.
[Old Lady] We have to
go back so I can change.
Then we'll be late.
Please!
My way back home
Oh
Ah
(leaves rustling)
(ominous music)
(blender whirring)
Kurt, can you come
and get one of these?
- Don't mind me.
- It just needed a little flavoring.
Do you want a sandwich?
No, I'm saving
room for dinner.
- That's good.
- I'd hope so.
(ominous music)
Try not to make
too much of a mess.
(knocking)
Trip, it's me, Cordelia.
I made lunch.
I wish you wouldn't
wear that for me.
I have such a handsome
little brother.
Okay, I wish you
weren't afraid of me.
I think you're beautiful.
Try and eat something, okay?
(foreboding music)
I have food.
(knocking)
I guess I'll leave it here then.
(footsteps echoing)
(door creaks)
(ghastly moaning)
(flags fluttering)
(foreboding music)
(traffic roars)
You're only 20 minutes late.
That's responsible.
Go watch "The Craft" for
the 50th time, you poser?
Why don't you eat me,
malnourished nympho?
I'll sleep on it, Trudy.
No one gets me.
(slow rock music)
Hey
Oh, my.
God, what a shitty trash heap.
Hey, you okay, friend?
I have spend my entire
Thanksgiving dinner
being here, doing dick.
Are you okay?
- I never really liked Thanksgiving.
I was always more of a Halloween
slash Christmas kind of guy.
I'll watch Ghouly's Special and
that'll hold me over til next year.
God, you're a nerd.
But we can make the
best of being here.
I'm going ask out Tyler tonite
and I could use a good wing man.
He's a bit old for you, and
I'm 100% sure Tyler's not gay.
But he's so gosh darn tall.
Whatever happened to Craig?
Oh, he did that
eyebrow-raised half-smile thing
The Rock does all the time,
but he had no reason
to be that confident.
It was embarrassing.
Life's embarrassing.
Yeah, well, I seem
to get the brunt of it.
Remember in 7th grade
when I crapped myself at
Hailey Weinfeld's bat mitzvah?
Everybody called me
Sharty McTabernackle
for a year and a half.
(indistinct rock music)
There is no way
Jerry's going to be able to
make Thanksgiving dinner.
He always messes everything up.
Why don't you go home?
I can handle things around here.
It's not like I have
anybody waiting for me.
Charlie didn't
come home this year?
He's with his
girlfriend's family,
and we're not quite on
speaking terms right now.
Girl, I'm so sorry.
Well, you don't have to
worry about anything from me.
(both chuckle)
- I love you.
- I love you too.
Now, what kind of
sandwich did you make me?
BLT. You?
BLT.
[Both] You read my mind, jinx!
How cute.
You guys should make out.
Mr. Pearl, I have
to speak to you.
Yes, Trudy?
Goodness, girl, what
happened to your face?
Who's the kumquat?
This kumquat is my father,
and if you're going to smoke,
please do it behind
the restaurant.
You're scaring away
potential customers.
Mr. Pearl, I need to
talk to you for a sec.
Hello, Ms. Marie.
Hey, Mr. Pearl's dad.
That was my father's name.
I'm Mr. Pearl Senior.
Oh, have some candy.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Well, I guess you can go
ahead and have one too.
Please ignore him.
What do you two want?
I can't work here
today, and if you make me,
I will burn this
place to the ground.
Oh, I'd get in on that.
No, no, no, stop, okay?
You two, out of the office.
Staff meeting in 10 minutes.
Do you see what I have
to deal with here?
Eh, they'll be all right.
Listen, you just do
what you think is best.
After all, it's
your business now.
I know, but I should
probably just let them go.
Nobody's going to
come today anyway.
Well, just do what
you think is right.
As for me, I'm going
to get a drink.
(foreboding music)
(car engine roars)
I just wanted to wish
you good luck.
Oh, thanks, Cordie.
Yeah, and be careful.
I don't think I could stand
losing another sister or brother.
No problem, right, Trip?
I think that means right.
Don't come in the front door.
Everything's gonna be ready.
- I can't wait.
(foreboding music)
Are you kidding?
(peaceful music)
Thanks, Tyler.
Hey, Tyler.
(Tyler roars)
(Tyler laughs)
So, Mr. Pearl's going to
call a staff meeting today.
Fun, fun.
Right?
Any chance I can get a drink?
Isn't it a bit early for that?
He's drinking.
It's just a coke.
And you're not 21.
What if I trade you
information?
[Tyler] I don't think so.
You can tell me anyways though.
So, Eddie's going
to ask you out.
He's a bit young for me.
And I'm not gay.
You don't need
to tell me that.
Oh, I did have to, didn't I?
Gee, thanks.
Well, I'd be nicer if you
had ever answered my calls.
- Well, bye, then.
- I think I'll be okay.
I'm with Buddy now, so I
see him like every day.
Look, just let Eddie
down easy, okay?
He's like the
nicest person here.
You can be nice sometimes.
Fat chance.
Lick my clit, you
psychotic cunt!
I don't know. I try to be.
Well, I won't have
to let anybody down.
I'll just deflect.
Deflect.
Yeah, now scram.
Good talk.
Hi, Eddie.
Oh, hey, Tyler, what's up?
Nothing much, and you?
There's something
I've been meaning to ask you.
That's perfect, because I
have to tell you something too.
Really?
So, I've never told
anyone this before,
and I really need to
get it off my chest.
Yeah.
You're like the nicest person
here, so I feel I can trust you.
- Yeah, of course, sure.
- Okay.
I'm a little bit...
Psychic.
What?
It's just something I've
always had to live with.
So, like, you can
see the future?
Sometimes.
In flashes.
(Eddie chuckles)
Okay, can you prove it?
Maybe.
Let me think.
(ominous music)
(peaceful rock music)
I think Mr. Pearl is
about to call a meeting.
Well, that, okay.
Anyways, I thought I'd
just go ahead and ask you-
[Mr. Pearl] Can I get
everyone here for a meeting?
- Duty calls.
- Psychic?
I got you all out here
because I wanted to apologize.
I thought we'd have
better business today.
So are you going
to let us go home?
Oh, good, then I can
fix my husband's dinner.
Unless you need us here.
I thought right now would be
a good time to tidy
everything up, and...
You guys are like a
second family to me.
I know that we don't
always get the chance
to all spend time together,
so I thought we could
do a group photo.
It is Thanksgiving,
after all, so...
Oh.
(indistinct rock music)
(camera clicks)
Perfect.
So, if no other paying
customers come through the door,
then you can all go
after we tidy up.
- Fantastic!
- Oh, thank God.
[Chef] I can see
my grandchildren.
Oh, hello?
Are you open?
[Both] Fuck!
(foreboding music)
(knocking)
Hey there, you awake?
It's Thanksgiving,
so I just wanted to say
happy one year anniversary.
You never know how these
things are going to go,
so I wanted to say thank
you for being here for me
when they're gone.
You're a really great listener,
but there's nothing
else you can do.
It's funny.
I've been missing the way
things used to be a lot lately.
I mean, we used to only kill
a couple of people a year,
because pretty much everybody
celebrated Thanksgiving,
but now people just don't care,
and it's getting
really repetitious,
and our plan's been
done to death.
Maggie knocks on the door,
says that her van's
broken down up the road,
and needs a phone.
Eventually, there's a chase.
Trip shows up, and
what happens happens.
(blood splatters)
(woman screams)
One or two things may
go off the rails,
and she might turn
the tables on us
or the boyfriend will show up,
but that just means we
have leftovers 'til Monday.
(kitchen wrap rustling)
(ominous music)
But they always win.
(man screams)
(flesh ripping)
(man groaning)
(woman sobbing)
(blood splattering)
Killing people's so fun.
I mean, there's nothing better,
especially when we're quick
enough to get off a good line.
Do you smoke, Carol?
You will in a second.
(Carol sobs)
I just...
I wish we were seeing
some progress.
(match crackles)
(ominous music)
(fire booms)
(chef screams)
What did I just do?
Your equilibrium's
all outta wack.
We're having to work
here on Thanksgiving.
Mrs. Kim, Ms. Perez, is
there anything I can help with?
Aren't you supposed to
be working the counter?
I figured I'd come back here
and see if you guys
needed any help.
[Both] Aw.
Hello?
(door clicks)
Are you guys open?
Yeah.
Uh, the entrance is on the
other side of the building.
Yeah, I'm actually
looking for a job.
Oh, well, then the manager's
office is right over there.
Thanks.
Nice meeting you all.
Weird day to go job hunting.
Not in this economy.
Nice picture.
(door knocking)
Come in.
I hope this is a good time.
What's happening?
I need a job.
And you're asking today?
My family ate
here a few weeks ago,
and mentioned about you
being open on Thanksgiving.
Yeah, business is
business, right?
Right.
Mr. Pearl, Trudy can cover
my tables, so can I please go?
Lisa Marie, just the
person I was looking for.
This man...
Kurt, Kurt is
interested in a job,
and he needs to shadow someone,
so could you take him
to one of your tables
and show him how it's done?
But Mr. Pearl, I-
Want to take out the trash?
- No.
- Yes.
God damn it!
Come on.
- Thank you, sir.
- No problem.
Can I leave after I
take out the trash?
Whatever turns your boat on.
Whatever floats your boat?
Oh my God.
(indistinct rock music)
Hi, your order's almost ready.
How are you doing?
- Fine.
I was thinking of
changing my order
from the turkey to a salad.
But your turkey's
almost ready.
The cooks would crucify me.
But I'm a vegetarian.
Well, then why would you...
Trudy.
Mr. Pearl told me to
take out the trash.
She's your customer now.
Oh, oh, and this is Kurt.
He's going to be shadowing you.
(indistinct rock music)
- Hi, I'm Kurt.
- Calm down.
Where's the rest of your party?
I'm alone.
(Trudy chuckles)
What do you need?
(traffic distantly roaring)
You know what's really funny?
Whenever I'm working,
I'm counting down the
minutes until I get a break,
but whenever I get a
break, I get bored,
and I count down the seconds
until I can work again.
Yeah, that's crazy.
Are you going home?
[Lisa Marie] God damn it!
She's going to
see her boyfriend.
That's it.
I'm going to go see Buddy.
(ominous music)
The salad?
I'm sorry.
She changed her mind.
But we just
finished the turkey.
I don't know what
else to tell you.
You want this?
No thanks, I have
a big dinner later.
(phone buzzes)
Excuse me.
Yeah?
How far are you?
(ominous music)
We're on our way now.
You can knock off one
or two without us,
as long as you keep things
quiet and save some for dinner.
Yeah, I can do that.
All right, see you soon.
So who was that?
My ride.
I should be leaving soon.
(foreboding music)
Kurt, do you need
an application?
Actually...
Actually, I'm gonna
need to sleep on it.
Well, that's fine.
Do you want anything
before you go?
We can cook you up
something in the kitchen.
Hm, I'm more in the
mood for seafood.
What?
A whisk.
What are you gonna
do with a whisk?
Well...
(tense music)
(Mr. Pearl groaning)
Here it comes.
Here comes the choo-choo!
(Mr. Pearl screaming)
(flesh splattering)
(Ms. Perez sighs)
(Mr. Pearl screaming)
(flesh splattering)
See food, get it?
(Kurt chuckles)
(somber music)
I'm all done here.
Good, we can finally
clock out and go home.
Mr. Pearl was hoping
one of you ladies
would show me
around the walk-in?
Fine, I guess I'll do it.
Excellent.
(foreboding music)
Buddy?
- Hey, girl.
- Hey, Buddy.
What are you doing spending
your Thanksgiving here with me?
I wanted to see you.
Oh, well, that's so sweet.
The darker the berry,
the sweeter the juice.
You're not black.
Is that what that means?
(upbeat rock music)
Oh, what?
I wanna hear some MJ.
I was going to play
some Thanksgiving music.
Okay, like...
I can't think of any
Thanksgiving songs.
I know. The only one that
I can remember is
"Over The River & Through The Woods".
- "Over The River & Through The Woods"?
Like, over the river and through
the woods, to grandmother's...
That's a Christmas song.
- It's definitely a Thanksgiving song.
- No, it isn't!
- Yes, it is.
- No, it isn't!
Shut up!
The only reason there
are no Thanksgiving songs
is because no one wants to
write one about an
outdated, hypocritical,
appropriation fest.
Geez Louise.
Cool it, Trudy.
I'll cool it when the
turkey's off the oven.
White men just love patting
themselves on the back
because they shared a
meal with a minority
whilst ignoring the rape
and murder that follows.
Oh, it's so nice seeing
someone so sensitive
to the plight of minorities.
Fucking white men.
They'll paint portraits
of themselves
giving food to the hungry
and charity to the needy.
All they do is take!
God damn Indian givers!
Nevermind.
Oh, wow.
(foreboding music)
Here's the washer.
Back here, we have
the frozen meats.
We have bacons and ground beefs.
Now, the artichokes,
they're not over here,
because somebody told me
artichoke hearts are vegetables.
Could have fooled me.
I'll try to remember that.
Now, over here, we have some
mushrooms, some black olives,
some bacon bits for
the mashed potatoes.
- Hey, Mrs. Kim.
- Kimberly! (Knife clatters)
The young people
are playing music,
and I want to show them how
you and I looked in the 80s.
Woo!
Sorry, I'm gonna have to
show you around later.
Can put on some Chuck Berry?
- I love Chuck Berry!
[Mrs. Kim] Girl, you
know I know you do!
[Ms. Perez] Let's go.
Jesus.
(gentle synth music)
Wait, wait.
Can we rain check 'til
after I get off work?
Nobody else is here.
My manager could
always come back.
I'd get in really big trouble
if he knew someone
else was in here.
Fine.
So, what do you wanna do?
Well, I have to set up
"Santa Claus Conquers The
Martians" on the projector,
you know, maybe now's a good
time to run through my new script.
Buddy.
It's a prequel to
"I Heart Huckabees."
It's called "I Hate Applebee's."
That's a bad joke, Buddy.
Is it really a bad joke if
it made the Lisa Marie smile?
(Lisa Marie chuckles)
"Santa Claus
Conquers The Martians"
isn't much of a
Thanksgiving movie.
Yeah, but we're starting
a Christmas series tonight.
I mean, can you think of any
really good Thanksgiving movies?
"Adam's Family Values"?
Okay, yeah, but that
costs money to show.
So, anyway, so, my movie
idea, it's kind of like
a future "She's All That" meets
"Sleepaway Camp," and I was-
Oh, you have like
a real movie idea.
Well, yeah.
Anyway, I was thinking we'd get
Gary Busey and Demi
Moore to star.
How are you gonna
get Demi Moore?
Well, it'll be later in my
career when I have some clout.
Good luck with that.
You know, Lisa Marie,
a little bit of support
might go a long way here.
Maybe drop the mean
act once in a while.
Mean act?
Yeah, you can't always
be that big of a bitch
without a little bit
of effort, right?
Gee, thanks.
Shit.
(traffic roaring)
Hey, Dad?
Can you pick me up?
No, no, no, Dad, they
didn't close the restaurant.
No, Dad.
Dad!
(upbeat disco music)
Now I know you're
gone for good
If I only could
have you back
Right next to me
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
If you will look for
me, I will look for you
If you come back for me,
I will come back for you
If you will look for
me, I will look for you
If you come back for me,
I will come back for you
(upbeat disco music)
[Lisa Marie] Mr. Pearl's dad?
You don't wanna dance
with an old cripple.
Of course I do.
Then let's go.
(upbeat disco music)
You look like you
could use a smoke.
No kidding.
(traffic distantly roaring)
You know, these things will
really cut into your life.
The sooner I die,
the sooner I will stop
wanting to kill myself.
God damn Lisa Marie.
Hold this.
- Sure.
(traffic distantly roaring)
I swear, I do too much.
I bet you do, I bet you do.
- Say, you wanna see a trick?
- No.
Come on, something
you've never done before.
You've shotgunned
a smoke, right?
Since like the fifth grade.
Well, this is similar.
Better, even.
Close your eyes.
You aren't going to prank me, are you?
- Never.
Thank you. I hate when
people laugh at me.
You're welcome.
(ominous music)
Open your mouth.
Now breathe in.
(Trudy sighs)
(tense music)
(cigarette sizzles)
(Trudy coughing)
(Trudy sobbing)
[Trudy] Help!
(Trudy screams)
(flesh rips)
(ominous music)
How was the sister?
Crispy. I did a
whole smoking thing.
I just did a smoking thing
too, and the manager inside,
I got him in the eye, did
this whole seafood bit.
Great stuff.
(foreboding music)
You got the jammers, right?
Fuck.
(upbeat dance music)
She says
Hey, hey, hey,
whatcha gonna say
When it doesn't
matter what you do
And I say, oh, oh,
oh, all I really know
All I really know
Is I only wanna be
with you, be with you
Whoa, whoa, whoa, oh
She lives her life so free
Sometimes, it seems to me
Like she's the star
of an indie movie
Who is this?
Oh, this is my sister, Maggie.
Well, Maggie,
nice to meet you.
Are you leaving?
[Kurt] Soon.
Mrs. Kim, is it?
Yes, it is.
Why aren't you with your family?
Well, I guess I
lost track of time.
[Maggie] I'm sorry, for what?
Mrs. Kim?
(Kurt grunts)
(blood splatters)
Hey, hey, hey,
whatcha gonna say
Everybody wants
to bring you down
And I say, oh, oh, oh
[Ms. Perez] Stop!
All I really know is that
it's better when you're around
Do what you like
- Where are you going?
I have to carve my turkey.
Nothing quite gets the
job done like a knife.
Slow.
It's gonna be all right
And classy.
(tense music)
And she says
- Oh, no!
- Someone help me, god damn it!
(foreboding music)
(customer screaming)
Oh, damn it, help me, ah!
I'm here!
- Hold it shut!
- I am!
(customer grunts)
What the fuck's happening?
(sign buzzing)
(foreboding music)
They blocked the door.
They can't get out.
If they do, Trip's ready.
Watch the front door,
and I'm gonna do a sweep.
Starting with the
handicapped guy.
He's not going anywhere.
He can listen to
his friends die.
Let's kill the stragglers.
(Lisa Marie quietly sobs)
(faint rock music)
Oh, come on, come on, please!
Hello?
Hello?
No feet.
Tyler, I don't know
if you're doing
number one or number two.
Whatever you're doing,
you're doing it wrong.
Now, let's see what's behind
the lucky door number one.
Door number two.
And for $1,500, let's see
what's behind door number-
(Tyler grunts)
Fuck!
Open the door!
There's nobody
behind me, hurry up!
(faint rock music)
Why didn't you stop him?
I can't let the other two out.
Where is she?
[Maggie] They're
in here somewhere.
So, who do we have left?
(ominous music)
You're not in here,
are you, Lisa Marie?
Pick a name, by the way.
She's already in the kitchen.
Oh, is she?
Leave these kids alone.
You don't scare me, scumbag.
I killed my share of
men for this country,
so killing you two dip shits
for this restaurant
is going to be grass.
Okay, meals on wheels.
Mow me down.
(tense music)
(Kurt groans)
Not good at playing
fair, are ya?
Neither am I.
(Kurt grunts)
(Maggie groans)
(Mr. Pearl Senior grunting)
(Kurt grunts)
(tense music)
(Lisa Marie screams)
Let me the fuck in!
Open it, open it, open it!
You fucking cunt!
Let me the fuck in! Open it!
(Lisa Marie sobbing)
Of course, the one time I
decide to leave the house,
I walk into "The Most
Dangerous Game,"
and I don't even get
to be Fay Wray.
Sorry, what's your name again?
It's Paula.
Well, that's pretty.
You don't ever leave
your house, Paula?
I don't really
have a reason to.
I go get groceries and
I go to the bank.
(knife clanking)
Oh, you're slicing that
tomato all wrong, honey.
Hold up, come back here.
Don't break now.
We all have to be strong.
Hello?
I heard you, I just-
What?
Mr. Pearl's dad, I...
(solemn music)
When I was a kid, my
grandpa got really sick,
and I was alone with
him when he died,
and he started
shaking and gasping,
and he just reached his
hand out to touch me,
but I couldn't hold it...
Because he wasn't
my grandpa anymore.
He lost all this weight
and his skin was all gray,
and he just looked like a
skeleton wrapped in loose skin,
and I loved him so much.
And I abandoned him.
And this nice old man
outside just died,
trying to save my life,
and I didn't do anything,
and I really didn't think I was
gonna ever feel this way again.
I'm sorry about all that,
but I need you to move
past all this right now
because we need you.
You don't need me.
All I'm good at is
being a nasty bitch.
Don't you ever
call yourself that.
Being strong doesn't
make you that.
I'm so awful to everybody.
Maybe you have all this energy
and you haven't found
a good outlet for it,
and maybe you're a fighter.
You've just never had
anything to fight.
(Lisa Marie laughs)
That's really cheesy.
It was, wasn't it?
But it's true though.
You have a fire.
You can do anything.
(car engine rumbles)
[Tyler] Everybody!
- Are you gonna be all right?
- Don't worry about me.
Out the kitchen door, quick!
We can go out the front
while he's in the back lot.
(tense music)
(group screams)
- Back, back, back, back!
(foreboding music)
(group screams)
Go, go, go, go, go!
(Eddie groaning)
Please don't leave
me like this!
I won't.
Try to stop moving!
(ominous music)
(Kurt shouts)
(Lisa Marie screams)
(Lisa Marie grunting)
No!
How long can you
hold your breath?
(Lisa Marie sobs)
(tense music)
Don't you touch him!
(Paula grunts)
(Eddie coughs)
(Paula groaning)
(blood splatters)
(Paula screams)
(Lisa Marie groaning)
(Lisa Marie grunts)
(foreboding music)
(Paula groaning)
(metal door slams)
(machine whirring)
(ominous music)
[Eddie] We need to go!
- No!
- We need to go!
We'll call back for
help, I promise!
(foreboding music)
[Eddie] Over here!
(car beeps)
(car engine rumbles)
(Kurt sighs)
How fun, a chase.
(car engine rumbles)
Woo!
(car engine roars)
(foreboding music)
(Lisa Marie panting)
(Lisa Marie sobs)
God, she looks like
she's in trouble.
Ugh, it's Lisa Marie.
Oh, gross.
(both laugh)
(both laughing)
(car whooshes)
Motherfuckers!
(ominous music)
Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck!
[Tyler] Calm down, Eddie!
- How is there no fucking signal?
Whatever you need
to do to calm down,
I'm gonna need you to do it.
(upbeat rock music)
(traffic distantly roaring)
[Movie Character]
Why did you run away?
I don't know.
[Lisa Marie] Buddy!
[Child] Uh-oh!
(tense music)
Buddy?
(polar bear growling)
[Child] What's that?
Buddy, Buddy, Buddy!
(polar bear growling)
(dramatic music)
Buddy!
[Child] It's okay,
Benny, I'll go take a look.
(foreboding music)
[Little Kid] I see it!
I see Santa's rooftop!
- Buddy, Buddy, Buddy!
[Child] Where?
(tense music)
(Buddy groans)
Where?
(blood splatters)
- Buddy!
[Child] The lights are moving!
(dramatic music)
They're coming closer!
Benny, that's not Santa's house.
[Benny] Well, what is it?
[Child] I don't know.
(traffic distantly roaring)
(solemn music)
(indistinct rock music)
So I guess you're
not psychic, huh?
What?
You said you were psychic,
I feel like you would have said
something about our coworkers
being murdered today.
I'm...
I'm sorry.
Yeah, don't worry about it.
(foreboding music)
Oh no.
[Tyler] What is it?
He's coming.
Follow me!
(dramatic music)
(wind howling)
(footsteps clattering)
(tense music)
(Lisa Marie screaming)
(foreboding music)
Hey, boys.
Nice night for a drive, huh?
Leave us alone!
Think fast.
(Tyler screams)
- [Tyler] What the fuck is that?
- Oh my God!
(gas whooshing)
(ominous music)
(faint rock music)
Tyler, Tyler, wake up!
Hi, Eddie.
(car door rattles)
Hey, where are you going?
That's right, sleep.
I'm taking you to
your new home now.
Night night, buttercup.
(ominous music)
You're awake.
Welcome to our
Thanksgiving celebration.
Where's Tyler?
Well, he got loose and
thinks he can escape.
Trip's not gonna
let that happen.
Anyways, it goes
without saying that
none of you will ever be
seeing your families again,
so we're going to give
you one last opportunity
to tell them how thankful
you are for them.
This is all because
we weren't with our
families on Thanksgiving?
(Lisa Marie chuckles)
You mean you're going
to let us call out?
Don't mistake this for trust.
Giving a thanks is a tradition.
And if any of you say
that you're in trouble
or start a text, my brother
will shoot you in the heart.
(ominous music)
You first.
I have no one to call.
You better think
of someone quick.
And not the police.
Remember that?
I think we handled
that pretty well.
(somber music)
Charlie, it's your mom.
If you're there, please
answer the phone.
I'm sorry things got out of
hand, but I need you to answer.
I love you.
I love you so much and
I need you to answer.
I just need to hear your
voice one last time.
Ah!
(hammer bangs)
(Eddie whimpers)
That sounded awfully close
to an, "I'm in trouble."
Please, don't try anything.
(ominous music)
(wolf howls)
(eerie music)
(people screaming)
(man cackling)
(thunder rumbling)
Welcome back to our Thanksgiving
night's Spookapalooza, ghouly fans!
For those of you
just now joining us,
we couldn't find a
Thanksgiving Day horror movie,
so we're showing "Friday
The 13th" again.
(Ghouly cackles)
I hate this. Where is she?
She does this every
other time we get into it.
She'll be back in a day or two.
(phone ringing)
Lisa Marie, thank goodness.
Where are you?
Well, that's all right.
Just let us know next time.
Well, I love you too, honey.
Are you sure you're all right?
(dog whimpers)
You're not usually
so complimentary.
Very funny, just-
(hammer bangs)
(Lisa Marie sobs)
She just hung up on me.
Last one.
You're up, Lacey.
(ominous music)
(Eddie panting)
Dad, I...
(Eddie whimpers)
Idiot.
(hammer bangs)
(Eddie whimpers)
(blade whooshes)
(Ms. Perez screams)
(Lisa Marie gasping)
(Eddie groaning)
(foreboding music)
Kurt, can you get Ms.
Perez set up at the table?
Me and, uh, Lisa Marie, is it?
Yes.
How would you like to do
some Thanksgiving Day cooking?
(ominous music)
Cutting it a little close
for dinner, aren't you?
We don't need a
lot of prep time.
The key is separating
the pieces beforehand.
(ominous music)
Mm, good gravy.
Is your sister's body mixed
in with the rest of the parts?
No, Trip is outside,
burying her.
Family isn't food.
Wanna throw some of that
compassion over here?
I'm sorry if you don't
agree with our diet,
but tradition's tradition.
When did eating people
become a Thanksgiving tradition?
A good long while ago.
At this point, there's
nothing more American.
(ominous music)
(ax whooshes)
(tense music)
(Tyler shouts)
(blood splatters)
(intense music)
(Tyler groaning)
(Tyler screams)
Well, the table's all set,
and the guests are ready.
Good. Tell Trip that dinner
will be ready in an hour.
Sure, just one more thing.
Yeah, after last year, I think
we should give the gun up.
Too much power, you know?
This group is a feisty bunch.
You sure? I can hold it.
I'm sure.
Have fun.
- Thanks.
Are you two fucking?
Gross.
I mean, he is yummy
though, isn't he?
That's disgusting.
Oh, wow.
I think I have something
you might like the taste of.
A Thanksgiving turkey.
(ominous music)
Have you ever seen
anything so beautiful?
Buddy?
But this turkey's not
gonna fit in the oven as-is.
(electric knife whirring)
No, no, wait, please!
Let's begin.
Please, please, wait,
wait, please, no!
No, stop!
Buddy!
(Lisa Marie sobs)
Well, let's cut up the rest.
(electric knife whirring)
(blood splatters)
(foreboding music)
All right, everybody.
(thunder rumbling)
Turkey's ready.
I already ate.
Get him off the table!
Every year.
How can you possibly
expect us to eat our friend?
If you don't, we
can move right along
to picking the
closet or the pit.
(thunder rumbling)
The pit, what's the pit?
The gravy pit.
[Ms. Perez]
What's a gravy pit?
(steam hisses)
Uh, a pit of gravy.
Well, it's not actually gravy.
It just starts to look like
gravy after it sits for a while.
This is all very excessive.
Why don't you just have a
normal fucking Thanksgiving?
We are.
No, you're not.
You're killing and
eating people.
It's evil.
We're not evil.
We don't do this for ourselves.
We do it for her.
[Cordelia] To
honor her memory.
Who is?
An old relative.
Abigail Brimstone,
one of the passengers
on the Mayflower
and coordinators of
the first Thanksgiving.
In 1620, the Mayflower
landed on American soil,
and the pilgrims
settled in Plymouth.
During the first winter,
half of them died.
The remaining pilgrims
sold their souls,
praying for a miracle.
In the spring,
the savages came,
and taught the pilgrims
primitive harvesting techniques.
Their bounty flourished,
and in late November,
the pilgrims had a
celebration, a three-day feast.
The first Thanksgiving.
So, today is very
important to us.
What does that have to
do with eating people?
Our Abigail organized
the whole thing,
and even did most
of the cooking.
[Kurt] And the Indians
arrived uninvited.
They brought a couple of deer,
but it wasn't nearly
enough to feed everybody,
not for three days.
[Cordelia] So,
Abigail got creative.
[Kurt] She offed a
few of the Indians,
served them as a main course,
and nobody was any the wiser,
because people taste
just like venin.
[Cordelia] In the following
years, she continued the tradition,
and as her family grew, so did
the Thanksgiving day feast.
[Kurt] Year by year.
[Cordelia] One by one.
(saw whirring)
[Kurt] They all
paid the price.
(man and woman screams)
(electricity sizzling)
(blood splattering)
(woman screams)
[Cordelia] And if
they fought us off...
Stop or I'll shoot her!
[Kurt] Or even
killed one of us...
(woman screams)
[Cordelia] We'd still
get them in the end.
(steam hisses)
(gun bangs)
(blood splatters)
(ominous music)
Whenever we'd find anybody
not showing the proper
respect to our holiday,
we'd make sure they'd celebrate,
whether they liked it or not,
and that's how things
have gone for 400 years.
That did not happen.
Oh, buddy.
Lisa Marie.
(thunder rumbling)
Yes?
What happened to those
ropes on your hand, hm?
You gonna try and hop away
like your little friend Eddie?
Uh.
Well, I guess we can't
trust you either.
(ominous music)
If you kill her,
we'll let you out.
(door slams)
No, no, no, please, please!
Fuck.
(Lisa Marie panting)
(guttural groaning)
(tense music)
(Lisa Marie screams)
Oh my God, please, please,
hurry, open the door!
(Lisa Marie gasping)
(monster gutturally groaning)
Please, don't!
(somber music)
(Lisa Marie gasps)
We'll both get out
of here, okay?
Good, good, good.
What did you do with them?
Well, Lisa Marie stopped
screaming, so not a great sign.
And Tyler's all set to make
a new member of the family.
Hopefully, this one
makes it to birth.
I hope it's a girl.
This is insane!
You're going to burn in hell,
and for what, to honor some
crazy dead pilgrim bitch?
Dead?
(foreboding music)
(fabric ripping)
(Tyler groans)
(ghostly gasping)
(somber music)
(thunder booming)
(blood splatters)
(Ms. Perez sobs)
See, it's not so bad.
Jesus, Trip, manners.
Ooh, looks like somebody
had a good time.
Tyler, what did
they do to you?
Go ahead, Trip.
(somber music)
(liquid sizzling)
Ugh, no!
You know, all in all, I'd say
this year went well.
You ready to go in the closet?
Why not?
Oh.
(suspenseful music)
Wouldn't you like some company?
I'm not going
in there, no, no!
No, ah!
(Tyler groaning)
(Tyler screams)
God damn it.
(creature grunts)
(blood splattering)
Kill him, kill him!
No, no!
(liquid sizzling)
(Tyler groaning)
(tense music)
(flesh squelches)
(flesh squelches)
(Cordelia groans)
(blood splatters)
(Trip grunts)
Don't you dare!
If you take one step closer,
I will kill your sister now!
(thunder rumbling)
(ominous music)
(Cordelia gasping)
Oh, no, you don't.
(foreboding music)
(Lisa Marie grunts)
You stupid bitch!
You...
What, more Thanksgiving
puns, more stupid quips?
Bitch.
No!
(Lisa Marie grunts)
You don't think Tyler or Eddie
or anybody else that
worked in that restaurant
loved their families?
You hypocritical monster!
But you didn't care.
You don't care about
values or family.
What do you care about?
You're no better
than a goddamn Indian.
They're called
Native Americans.
(electric knife whirring)
(blood splattering)
(Cordelia groans)
(tense music)
(Cordelia screaming)
(Lisa Marie screams)
Die, bitch!
(Lisa Marie screams)
(Tyler groans)
(Tyler screams)
(monster groans)
(Tyler shouting)
(Ms. Perez panting)
(Tyler shouting)
(monster groaning)
(blood splatters)
(ominous music)
Are you guys okay?
This is not a joke.
(distant thumping)
(ominous music)
They're getting away.
(gun clicks)
- No, they're not.
(suspenseful music)
(gun bangs)
(Trip groans)
(Abigail coughs)
(tense music)
(gun clicking)
Shit, shit!
Shit!
(gun clatters)
(suspenseful music)
(thunder rumbling)
Oh my God!
No, no!
No, please, no!
(Eddie grunts)
(blood splatters)
You like Thanksgiving?
(ominous music)
Happy fucking Thanksgiving.
(flesh squelches)
Eddie!
You're alive!
Barely.
(foreboding music)
(Abigail coughs)
So what are we
gonna do with her?
I have an idea.
(Abigail coughs)
(peaceful music)
I called 911.
They should be here any minute.
Good.
I think I need an ambulance.
Me too.
Oh, you definitely do.
(group chuckles)
(peaceful music)
(Abigail wheezing)
(gentle synth music)
(Abigail wheezing)