The Layover (2017) Movie Script
1
[KATE] "I'm warning you, I'm
going to get angry. Do you see?
"We are going to have fun
on this island, understand?
"We are going to have fun
on this island.
"'Come now,' said the
Lord of the Flies.
"Get back to the others and
we'll forget the whole thing.
"This has gone quite far enough,
my poor, misguided child.
"Do you think you know
better than I do?"
Okay, so we have civilization
versus savagery,
and reason versus impulse.
So many exciting themes
in one little book, right?
Over the break, I want you to
read the next three chapters.
That's three chapters, and
I want you to write two pages...
on either one of our themes,
your choice.
Demerius.
Care to read us out to the bell?
No, no, no, not that one.
The one that you have on your
lap there. What is it?
Uh... Demon Sword Z.
(SNICKERING)
Okay, let's hear it. Oh, come
on. Let's finish class strong.
"Now I have the power
of the five souls.
"Let us see what the
Gauntlet of Destiny...
"has to say about that,
demon lover.
"Then, the squid leg splits
Okami-san in half.
"Blood sprays everywhere."
This is 26% stronger than
anything else on the market.
It lasts up to four hours.
Not only are the lips fuller...
they're the most fantastic
color.
Slight tingle at first,
but it's so worth it.
Better than collagen.
Where is this from?
The Orient... a lot of the
formulas are secret.
I own the North American rights.
Oh, that's lovely.
And this would be an exclusive
for Harold's.
Hm.
That's really starting to work.
What kind of comic is this?
It's not a comic, it's manga.
"Put your demon powers in me,
squid.
"I want to feel your might
deep within."
Damn, its tentacles are like
its dicks.
Zack, your right.
"Hold back nothing, my pet.
After I summon the demon,
all you can..."
Mr. Moss. Hello.
We found some surprising
thematic similarities...
between Lord of the Flies...
(BELL RINGS)
Okay, all right.
You owe me two pages.
Have a really good break.
Where is this from?
Asia.
D-P-R-K... isn't that
North Korea?
You're trying to sell Harold's
a North Korean product?
Maybe.
The North Korea against which...
the United States has
an embargo?
Now, that embargo is kind
of like Cuba, you know?
It's sort of symbolic.
20 years, Kate. Seen it all.
Right.
Well, maybe not sex
with an octopus.
That was a first.
That was mine, too.
Please.
(CLEARS THROAT)
I wanted your help to strategize
a big picture issue...
because I see something
we both share.
A deep love for this school.
Go Falcons.
I wanna do a little
right-brained thinking...
about a left-brain problem.
Are we talking about the ARB
test scores?
I'm talking about empowerment.
I'm saying let's be the change.
Let's not squander our energy
on acrimony and recriminations.
Um... are you firing me?
What?
I'm sorry.
I'm trying to ground floor
the discussions...
so we don't waste our school's
resources on arbitration...
and severance packages.
Those things threaten the school
that we love.
Yeah, of course. Absolutely.
Sometimes a school can avoid
all that heartache...
if a teacher simply vacates
his or her post.
You want me to quit?
No. That's a personal decision.
What I want doesn't matter.
But I will say this...
I see you flourishing in a
slightly less urban teaching...
environment or perhaps in an
altogether different...
Can I admit something?
You always have great hair.
Perhaps you'd be happy
cutting hair.
Look, I took this meeting...
because Lucas spoke
highly of you.
He better have.
But I don't think this
is a good fit for Harold's.
Best of luck.
Seriously? That's it?
Just because of where
a product's made?
A bit racist, don't you think?
Okay, we're done.
No, you're done.
Because I'll take my business
elsewhere.
Where's the bathroom?
Uh, there.
Oh my god. Oh...
What the fuck?
That's my fucking car! Fuck!
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
There she is!
Hey, how'd it go?
Come dance with me!
What's going on?
Shake that bony ass of yours!
Woo!
What is happening?
Did you sell it?
Party bump!
Meg, did you sell it?
Can we finally get rid of all
these boxes?
Remember all those little
North Korea stickers...
we peeled off the bottles?
Yeah, of course. There were,
like, 10,000 of them.
Well, it turns out
there's 10,001.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.
I am totally and thoroughly
fucked.
On the other hand my car
got towed.
How was your day?
Meg, it's...
I can't.
I don't even wanna talk
about it.
Wow, how much did you spend?
Oh, I'm gonna-I'm gonna
bring it back.
But I'm gonna keep some socks.
How was school?
Great.
Moss asked me to quit.
What?
He thinks that I'd be happier
cutting hair.
Did you point out that
he's bald as fuck?
(LAUGHS)
No, I didn't tell him
he was bald as fuck.
Are you getting fired?
Excuse me.
I gotta get going.
Okay.
Can I get my clothes?
Oh, right.
Sorry.
I can't seem to... shirt, pants...
- Hi.
- Pants, pink underwear...
- Hi.
- Nope, that's mine.
Thanks for the lift.
You're gonna give me a good
review, right?
Five stars.
You buy socks and I suck...
Okay, okay, I got it,
I got it.
Hey, ladies.
Hey!
What?
She's back?!
Oh my god! Holy shit.
How's it going?
That haircut took balls, you
have to hand it to her there.
Are we still drinking?
Hells to the yeah, mothafucka.
Sweet.
I'm 28-years-old, I've had a
lot of success, and I'm ready.
Meg, you're missing the abs.
...with whom I spend the rest
of my life.
Why do these girls play
hard to get?
If it was up to me I'd have his
pants around his ankles...
by the first commercial.
Well, it's a game.
They're playing strategy.
...actually satisfy me
on a day-to-day basis.
I actually think I'd be pretty
good on this show.
(LAUGHS)
What's that supposed to mean?
You're hardly competitive, dear.
You don't have an aggressive
bone in your body.
Against these girls, you'd have
to put on your big-girl pants...
or they'd have you for lunch.
I think I'd describe myself as
definitely thinking outside...
Whatever.
[BACHELOR] I march to the beat
of my own drum.
Ugh.
A really nice day for me
is wak...
I actually like the whole
construction worker thing.
You know, the whole, like,
works with his hands,
salt-of-the-earth motif.
The only thing salty about him
is his balls.
Lovely, Meg.
Doesn't that just, like,
roll of your tongue-
You can have him, if I can have
the fireman from last season.
Oh, that fireman.
He was a panty-dropper.
Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
And for the record, just because
I don't sleep around...
doesn't mean I couldn't compete
against a group of women...
Did you just take a shot at me?
Was that a drive-by?
You drive-by-ed me.
"Big-girl pants"?
That was a slick move.
She's definitely getting a rose.
[BACHELOR] I know it's crazy
to give out roses before...
the first rose ceremony,
but I don't care.
You know, it's been a long day.
I think I'm gonna go to bed.
I just opened a new bottle.
Come on, let's finish it.
[KATE] No, I'm going to bed.
No morning re-cap.
I'm watching the rest.
[FEMALE CONTESTANT]
These girls mean nothing to me.
This is a nightmare.
Kate? Kate, wake up.
What, is there a fire?
No, there's no fire.
What's wrong? What's going on?
We're screwed up. Our lives,
things aren't going well.
Is it really 4:15?
Remember in the ninth grade
when you got stung...
by that jellyfish and I peed
on you and you got really mad?
Did you take one of my pills?
You were really mad until it
stopped hurting, right?
Yeah.
When you're faced with a
life-threatening problem...
which we are, you step away
from the problem...
and in a calm, adult way,
you self-medicate...
until the solution presents
itself.
Okay.
Preferably on a beach
with a margarita.
Okay, let's talk about it.
Yes! That's my girl.
Can we plan this in the morning?
No, we gotta go.
What? Where?
Fort Lauderdale...
I used your Sky Miles.
Today?
Now! Our flight's in three
hours.
Meg, absolutely not,
that's crazy.
I'm not going on vacation right
now. You're completely insane.
[KATE] We are going
to miss this flight!
This is completely insane!
Why even ask me, if you're
gonna just make us...
miss the goddamn flight?
[MEG] Sir, we can get out here.
[KATE] Stop. Stop. Stop!
[MEG]
Don't yell at the poor guy.
[KATE]
Thank you, thank you, sir.
You pay the driver,
I'll get the bags.
Oh my god. Look at this line!
We are going to miss
this flight!
I cannot believe this.
I kept telling you that we had
to leave.
[KATE] This happens every single
time. Look at this line!
There's no way we are making
this flight.
These are non-refundable
tickets.
I told you you can
take a bath...
or you can poach an egg
and not both.
Meg. Meg. What're you doing?
- Hold on.
- Get in line!
Excuse me.
My friend and I are about
to miss our flight.
Is there any way we can come
in this line?
Are you first class
or an Elite Club member?
We're first-class ladies.
Actually, I think I am
an Elite Club member...
if it didn't expire.
Hold on, let me check.
Ugh.
No, it's not... ugh.
Shoot. I guess not.
Sorry about that.
(SIGHS)
Thanks for your help.
And thanks for keeping us safe.
I just do check-in.
Why do you always do that?
- Do what?
- It's embarrassing.
Told you.
You can't just cut in front
of all these...
Sorry. Ugh, sorry.
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
Oh my god, you are the sweetest
thing.
Don't worry about it.
You hungry?
You could have checked your bag.
I was trying to save some money.
- You okay?
- Yeah.
You got your headphones, pills,
neck pillow...
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's gonna be fine.
It's gonna be epic.
Yeah.
Deep breath.
Ma'am, no liquids
above 3.4 ounces.
You can dispose of it in that
trash can right there.
You want me to get rid of it?
Sure thing.
(CROWD MURMURS)
Whew!
It's easier when it's a beer.
Have a good flight.
Deep breath, girl.
We're going to Florida.
It's gonna be so much fun.
Think of the beach,
think of the sunshine.
Here's your neck pillow.
Six hours in the air.
Up and down.
Please don't say "down".
We're still on the ground.
Yeah, I know, but we're high
enough already.
Middle seats are for suckers,
right?
You know what? I actually think
it'd be better if we switched.
I would, but I need extra
legroom.
It's sort of a Gandalf-Bilbo
situation.
And I'm the hobbit?
Oh my... I'm just saying,
I'm taller.
Here, take a pill.
- I already took a pill.
- Take another.
Okay.
- I'll get you a water.
- No, I don't need any water...
Excuse me, can she
get a water...
so she can take her
anti-anxiety pill?
Certainly.
Can we please keep this
to ourselves?
I was just trying to help.
It's not like I gave him
your social.
Just quit with the flirty
routine...
it's getting really old.
I wasn't. Geez.
Take a deep breath, girl.
I'm surprised you didn't show
him your bra.
I think he might try and wear
it, am I right? Uh-oh.
(BURPING)
Oh my god. Oh, my god!
Soda's coming up.
Oh, Jesus Christ, Meg.
I feel like I am in your
intestines.
- Take it.
- Stop it!
- Take it.
- Oh my god!
I got one more comin', too.
Excuse me. I think
I'm in the middle there.
Thank you.
Hi.
(BURPING)
Here's your water.
- Thank you.
- Dear lord.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
I'm Meg, by the way.
Ryan.
So what is it, Ryan?
Business or pleasure?
It's a wedding, actually.
Ah, which can sometimes feel
like work, right?
Mm.
I feel like last year,
I was at somebody's wedding...
every other weekend.
Yeah, they uh... come in waves,
don't they?
Yeah.
How about you?
- What brings you out?
- I have...
A girl's trip. I kinda hate that
expression, but it's true.
We are on a trip and we are
girls.
Okay, so you two are together?
Yeah, we're best friends.
We're just sitting in these
seats because, you know...
middle seats are for suckers.
Ah, my, uh, reputation
precedes me.
I love weddings.
As long as they're other
people's.
Yeah, that's the truth, right?
Single ladies in the house.
I'm Kate, by the way.
Hey, Ryan. It's good
to meet you.
You too.
I'm still Meg. Look at us!
Meg Ryan. We're America's
sweetheart.
Do you remember that deli scene?
Yeah, yeah, the, uh, "I'll have
what she's having".
(MOANING)
I think that my roommate
is trying to do a scene...
from When Harry Met Slarry.
When Harry Met Smarly.
When Harry Met Smarly.
When... Smarly Met...
You okay?
(SLURRING)
Is she having a stroke?
- She's fine. She's just...
- Smarly...
- Terrified of flying.
- M-marley.
She took some pharmaceuticals.
- Stay there.
- I'm jealous.
It's gonna be all right.
Well, I'll, uh, stop bothering
you guys.
Oh, you're not bothering...
(MUSIC PLAYING)
[CAPTAIN] (OVER PA)
Hello, folks.
This is your captain speaking.
Hurricane Cindy has headed
toward the Carolinas...
but it looks like she's
taken a bit of a turn...
and now they're re-directing
us to land in St. Louis.
We'll keep you updated as we
receive additional information.
Oh, man.
Since when is there a hurricane?
It's... been in the news,
like all week.
I'm not much of a news junkie.
I'm more of a bookworm.
This is just a hate-read.
(BURPS)
Excuse me, ladies, I'm gonna
need you to... oh, god.
Really?
Did you need something?
Put your seat up, and your
friend, too, please.
Kate? Kate. Wake up
for the male steward.
It's "flight attendant".
I'm moving her forward.
We're landing soon.
Holy shit.
Uh... is she... is she okay?
Let me just...
(SNORING)
We're good. We're good.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Welcome to The Sheraton.
This is the pits.
Fuck you, Cindy.
Who's Cindy?
The hurricane.
I dunno, it looks like kinda
good weather for a hurricane.
The hurricane's in Florida,
we're in St. Louis.
Jesus, you took way
too many pills.
Welcome to the St. Louis
Sheraton, I am Anuj.
- How are we today?
- Not good, Anuj.
The airline says they
lost my bag.
They did? Did they lose mine?
No, they didn't.
You didn't check a bag.
Oh, right, I didn't check a bag.
My apologies, we're tight
on space...
because of the annual
jewelry convention.
Jewelers have conventions?
However, I can put you both
in a lovely junior suite.
Now, while you're here...
please enjoy our four-star
restaurant...
pool, spa, and complimentary
shuttle service...
to the majestic St. Louis Arch
and finally, Tut's Tomb...
the number one nightclub
in St. Louis two years running.
For that, take the elevator
down to P1.
That's super, but we're only
here for one night.
Excellent. Well, if you
enjoy your stay,
I do hope you'll consider
Yelping us.
Ugh. God.
This is what we get for being
spontaneous.
(GASPS)
Oh my god, what is that color?
It's not a lipstick,
it's my Lip Lacerater.
Oh, it's fantastic.
Thanks.
Oh, hey, it's my seat mates.
Good to see you among
the living.
Yeah, thank you.
Okay, I need to go down
one more I think.
I'm gonna work off some travel
frustration at the gym.
Oh, god, your friend's wedding.
Yeah, yeah. It's not
for a few days.
I was, uh, going down early
for the bachelor party...
but those guys'll be fine.
No natural disaster's gonna
stop my buds...
from getting embarrassingly
drunk.
Hey, um, you guys wanna get
a drink later on tonight?
Might as well make the best
of this, right?
- Yeah. Yeah, sure, yeah.
- Sure. Yeah.
- I like... I like to drink.
- She does.
Not a lot, not to excess, but...
Alcohol.
Cool. How about 8:00?
Yeah, yeah, it's a date.
Well, not a date, but a plan.
Yeah.
- Have a good workout.
- Stretch, don't forget!
- Now don't... do gym.
- Don't hurt yourself.
- Oh, not bad.
- And it smells nice, too.
- Not bad at all.
- Yeah.
And look at us, having drinks
with a hot guy.
Hey, he's having drinks with us.
Right.
And who knows? Maybe one of us
will hook up, if he's lucky.
He might go for you.
Or you. You're gorgeous,
especially when you're loaded.
I am not, I look like
Mickey Rourke.
Enough with Mickey Rourke.
Why do you always say that?
- It's how I feel.
- Stop it.
You're beautiful.
This is called "Man Getting Out
of Cold Lake". Boop. Boop.
Ugh, thank god I packed
my Spanx.
Oh my god, my bag.
Can I borrow a dress?
Oh, I'm so sorry, I only packed
one.
Can I wear it?
No.
Well, what if you...
No.
Anuj.
Is there a mall around here?
Can you hold on one second,
please?
- What's that?
- The closest mall?
Uh, that would be the Westgate
Pavilion near the arch.
- How far is the arch?
- 30 minutes without traffic.
Damn it. I need a dress.
We can call a taxi for you.
June, will you please call...
No, I need one now, tonight.
What would you like me to do?
Fine.
Sir, are you still there?
Yeah, Okay, so those last
three digits...
How do I leave a review on Yelp?
Can you hold on just one more
second, please?
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey. Wow.
Right?
Where's your other half?
I don't know. Might just be me.
Well, you uh, you look
very nice.
Thank you. I didn't pack too
much 'cause it's really...
just a girl's trip,
but I thought, you know...
I thought I'd try something
with what I have...
Holy shit.
You look amazing.
You like it? I wasn't sure
I could pull it off.
No, no. You look great.
Meg's an expert at pulling
off a dress.
Okay, uh, let me go see
if I can snag us a booth.
Where did you get that?
The Indian dude at the front
desk. His mom loaned it to me.
Crazy, right?
That is so crazy.
Hey there, you ladies here
for Jewel Con?
No, uh, we're just... we're
meeting some friends.
Yes, yes, you are... us.
Namaste.
I'm Craig, precious gems
are my specialty.
Chuck here is in, uh, high-end
watch repair.
Shahar does imports.
"Shahar" is Hebrew
for "sunrise"...
which you will experience
tomorrow morning in my bed.
That was smooth.
That was very smooth.
She didn't refuse, that's good.
- Yeah, well...
- I have cocaine.
Whoa, Chuck, put it away.
He's very excited he has
cocaine.
He's been showing it to
everybody.
I smuggled it on the plane
in my underpants.
Enough about us, and you guys
are...?
Undercover federal agents
investigating...
a counterfeit diamond ring.
So you can either step aside
and let us do our job...
or I'll give Kate here the green
light to shove her taser...
in your ass and light you up.
Okay, sorry, officers.
Let's go.
Hey. I glommed on to
some fellow travelers.
This is Roger and Nancy,
Kate and Meg.
Oh my god, you look like
a fucking princess.
Thanks, it's a sari.
Honey, you got nothing to be
sorry about.
Roger and Nancy are celebrating
their anniversary.
Ten years and I think
I'll keep her.
Aw.
That's sweet.
Shit. Category four?
[NANCY]
So much for losing steam.
[ROGER] No one's getting out
of here tomorrow.
I'm not gonna make
the rehearsal dinner.
Oh, come on, don't think
like that.
Yeah, hurricanes are notoriously
unpredictable.
That's why they name them
after women, right?
It was a slam-dunk case, see
this guy didn't have a prayer...
but he did have this gorgeous
defense attorney.
Gorgeous and gifted defense
attorney.
[NANCY]
All charges were dropped.
Well, not entirely...
I did manage to negotiate
into the plea bargain...
that Nancy go on a date with me.
First time in my career,
I got two men off in one day.
More than once, as I recall.
I could have you dis-barred,
you know?
Yeah? I could have you mounted.
- [NANCY] I'll mount you.
- [ROGER] Did you bring the cuffs?
- I'll blindfold you first.
- Oh, interrogation.
Or Q & A? Mm.
I think we lost them.
What about you guys?
What do you do?
I'm a CEO.
Wow.
I sell a line of skin care
products.
You know Michelle Obama?
Is she a client?
Well, obviously I can't talk
about it...
but how about her skin?
Damn. Damn.
What about you, Kate?
I'm a teacher...
I teach high school.
Oh, nice.
Special needs high school.
Wow. Is that hard?
You know what's hard is not
being with them right now.
A lot of people think that
I teach them... but...
but really, you know,
they teach me.
Yeah.
The blind teach me how
to listen better...
and the mute teach me...
you know, not to talk so much,
so I'm gonna stop.
Man, I can't compete with you
two. I'm just a firefighter.
- (MUSIC PLAYING)
- Boy boy boy boy boy
[ANUJ] All right, what's up,
everybody? Come on.
Eh-yo, this is DJ Spooj,
rhymes with Anuj...
'cause we both gonna be on your
face by the end of the night.
All the junkies in the house
say "ho".
[CROWD] Ho!
[ANUJ] All the wacky knickers
in the house say "ayo".
[CROWD] Eh-yo!
[ANUJ]
All right, let's get to it.
Have a good night, everybody.
You guys wanna dance?
Who me?
I had no idea I could feel
this high up on another
Until one day
you had to get on up
You dirty scumbag liar
breaking my heart
And though the whole world
crumbled
You still found a way
To put Humpty back together
again
Boy meets girl boy likes girl
and tries to get with girl
If you're having a good time.
You guys know what to do.
Yelp us.
Boy meets girl boy loses girl
realize he loves her
Then boy gets girl back
again and again
And so the story begins and
ends the same way again
As promised
'cause we're only human
All looking for true love
true love
Oh shit, let's get a muh-fuckin
dance circle up in here!
Show DJ Spooj what you got!
Bring on believer
has anybody seen her
Boy meets girl
boy likes girl
And tries to get with girl
Boy kisses girl and girl
likes that
Boy cheats girl
boy loses girl
Meg! Hey! Your boob
is hanging out!
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)
Got it.
How long was it out?
20 seconds.
That's the length of a fucking
Geico commercial.
You know, I'm impressed
anyone...
could have upstaged
that flight attendant.
Well, this is you, guys.
I had a... I had a really good
time tonight.
Yeah, me too...
despite, you know...
- Night.
- Night.
Hey.
- Yeah?
- What's up?
You know, since we're gonna be
stuck here tomorrow...
it may be nice to see the city.
Maybe get a little crazy, buy a
St. Louis magnet for the fridge?
Yeah, I-I actually need
a magnet.
I have a fridge.
Great. Let's just connect
in the morning then.
- Okay. Goodnight.
- Goodnight.
Hey, you know what?
I uh, I'm actually gonna
ride up with you.
The uh, the ice machine on our
floor is broken, so...
- Oh.
- What do you need ice for?
Ice water.
Wait, you can't go.
I need you to open our door.
We... we both have keys.
I left mine in the room.
- I think that's the bell...
- Well here, whatever...
you can... you can just
take mine.
You know what?
I'll just go with you.
Don't be silly, you don't need
two people to get ice.
Thank you.
I just thought it would be
easier for you.
Elevator's closing, good luck
with the ice, guys.
- Oh, goodnight!
- Goodnight!
[MEG] Ice? Really?
At least I didn't pull
my boob out.
Do you think I did that
on purpose?
I know that you did.
You have great tits.
That's insane!
Listen, I know you wanna
do your thing...
- Not the great tits part.
- But I actually like him.
- Well, I love him.
- You love him?
Yes, I love him.
You don't even know
his last name.
So? Do Romeo and Juliet know
each other's last name?
Yes! Montague and Capulet.
Oh, I'm an English teacher.
I want him.
Not this time.
You want me to choose?
Whichever, we're totally cool
with it.
Yeah, totally. I'm cool, too.
Well, I mean, they say the
St. Louis art museum's pretty...
great, but what a day to hit
the botanical gardens, right?
Or door number three.
Boom! A hot air balloon ride!
- Now that is rad.
- A balloon?
He said he wanted to see
the city.
This way he can see all of it.
Aw, man, this seems way more fun
than paintings and plants.
Yeah well, you know, it's not
just paintings, it's...
it's furniture and sculptures
and...
Oh, I forgot your fear
of heights.
Oh... oh, we don't have to do
the balloon ride.
Oh, no, I know.
How about you hit the museum...
Ryan and I will go
in the balloon...
and then we can all meet up
for dinner later.
Yeah, if you're scared
of flying.
No, I'm not scared.
I'm not scared.
It's just airplanes, so I'll go.
I'm going.
- You sure?
- Yeah, absolutely.
It'll be an adventure.
All right then... go ballooning.
[PILOT] The ride should last
about an hour.
My brother will follow us
in the chase car.
Make sure all personal
belongings are secure.
Also, for the lovers, we have
cold champagne for purchase.
Okay, any questions?
Um, I don't mean to be rude,
but can you see?
Uh, don't worry, ma'am.
I, uh, see just fine.
Just messing with you.
All right then.
Let's touch the sky!
Woo!
Here we go!
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Yeah!
Wow.
Beautiful, isn't it?
St. Louis doesn't look so bad
from up here.
It's pretty spectacular, right?
Yeah, it's really great.
You okay? You're sweating.
Yeah, no, I'm good.
I'm just... I'm really hot.
It'll be nice and cool when we
hit about 2,000 feet.
How high are we right now?
- 500.
- (RETCHES)
You, uh, you sure you're okay?
Yes, yes, yes.
No, no, no, no, no!
You get me down right now!
Get me down right now!
Ma'am, ma'am, we gotta go
up to catch the current.
Fuck the fucking current!
I think she's having a panic
attack.
- Oh, great.
- Ssh.
- (HYPERVENTILATING)
- She's fine.
Breathe. Breathe.
Find your breath. Look at me.
Find your breath.
I'm sorry. I didn't want
to disappoint you.
Now let's take my hands,
stare into my eyes.
They're... so beautiful.
Like... like a... robin's egg.
Let's sing a song, you and me,
okay?
Pretty pretty please
don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than
Is that Pink?
I don't know, it was the first
song that came to my head.
I kinda like her.
I like her, too.
- Ready?
- Yeah.
Pretty pretty please
don't you ever ever feel
- Oh, jeez.
- Gosh, this is fun.
- [RYAN] Fucking perfect
- This is so fucking fun.
[RYAN] Pretty pretty please
- Jeez.
- How much for the champagne?
$100 with tax.
I take credit card.
Are you insane? That's a $20
bottle of brut.
You're welcome to shop around.
Pretty pretty please
don't you ever ever feel
- Like you're less than
- I'll take the fucking champagne.
Fucking perfect
Look who has bubbly.
Let's drink some champagne and
really take in this view.
You know, I'm not sure
alcohol...
is a good idea for her
right now.
I wasn't talking about her.
She's fine.
This happens all the time.
- Ssh.
- Oh, you should go and have fun.
Hey, I am having fun.
Me, too. So much fun.
- Agh, my eye!
- Oh, shit! Shit!
I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
Did you hit him in his good eye?
- She hit me in my only eye!
- [KATE] What?!
Here, let me take a look,
let me take a look.
Is it bad? I can't see.
Yeah, you got a small cut.
- Oh god, he's crying blood!
- Your pupil is red.
- Shit! Shit!
- I don't think it's too serious.
- There's a little bit of blood.
- Oh my god we're gonna die!
Everybody calm down!
No one's going to die!
We're just gonna have to land
a little early, okay?
- Okay.
- Okay.
Now, I just gotta ask:
has anybody ever piloted...
a hot air balloon before?
- (SCREAMING)
- What?
What the fuck are you talking
about?
[PILOT] Calm down! It's gonna
be all right!
(MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYING)
(SCREAMING)
(ALL SCREAMING)
- Are you okay?
- No!
Oh my god! Oh my god!
[PILOT] Can somebody call
for an ambulance?
Pretty pretty please
don't you ever ever
Please! Please be quiet!
Shut the fuck up!
(DISTANT SCREAMING)
Que pasa?
Hey, how was the balloon ride?
Nice view of the arch, right?
It was great.
I have some good news
from the airlines.
The flight's back on?
No, they found your bag.
I'm so sorry, I should have
led with that.
Yes! Thank you, Anuj.
Well, shall we celebrate
being alive?
Honestly, I think
I'm just gonna relax.
I'm gonna go upstairs, call
Florida, maybe hit the pool.
- Oh, I'll join you!
- I'll come with you.
I love the pool.
Now that I have a suitcase,
I don't have to go naked.
Maybe I'll just go naked.
Oh my god, I hate myself.
I think I'm ready.
Oh, cute suit.
I'll see you by the pool.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
[KATE] Lacerater.
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
Can I get two Mai Tai's
over here?
Hey!
This is amazing.
You've got to try it.
It looks very inviting.
I was actually wondering if
you're not doing anything later-
First, I wasn't talking to you,
and second...
it's not gonna happen, okay?
Um, this is closed.
And it's not what you think,
that you're not hot enough...
because you're totally hot
enough.
I've dated way lower.
This seat is taken.
Guys, leave the seat next
to Meg open.
Come on, scoot. There you go.
- Huh.
- Seriously? What are you doing?
Yeah, I don't know.
[KATE] Hey!
(MAN WHISTLING)
Hey, Ryan! Look, I snagged
us a chair.
Oh my god. Oh, Jesus mother
fu.... Oh... oh my god.
Oh my god, oh...
I think I might just lay
out for a bit.
Wow, you look great.
Oh, thanks.
Stop.
Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!
See, this is a definition
of "cock block".
I'm really sorry about today.
Thank you so much. I'm really...
I'm embarrassed.
Embarrassed? I'm the one
that sang Pink.
I have the feeling that
that's not the first time...
that you've sang that out loud.
[RYAN] No comment.
Wanna take a dip?
Um, actually I think we're
just gonna hang out here...
Yeah, I wouldn't mind swimming.
Yeah, me, too.
I'd love to do that.
I'll come, too.
(KIDS LAUGHING)
- You don't see that much.
- What?
A hotel pool you can actually
dive in.
We love diving!
We used to go every summer
at your...
At my dad's houseboat!
You were so nervous to jump
in at first, remember?
You told me there were
piranhas in the lake...
and it freaked me out...
that was so mean of you.
You're just mad 'cause I always
beat you at diving.
That's 'cause your dad
was the judge.
I would have won with an
impartial jury.
I was so much better than you.
That's funny.
Well, you got one now.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Okay, let's start with the
basics. Jack knife.
You call that a jack knife?
That was more like a belly flop.
And deduct points for splash,
that's the Olympic rules.
Got it.
Now, a jack knife...
the right way.
Whoa.
Oh, shit.
Impartial judge gives you
a five... both of you.
Time to step it up, back flip.
Go on, do it.
Okay!
Nice!
That was your best back flip?
What're you doing?
Forward one-and-a-half tuck.
- Uh...
- What is that?
Are you crazy?
That is so dangerous.
- Still scared, I guess.
- No, I'm not scared.
It's gonna kick out.
Okay, fine, go ahead, go ahead,
do what you want.
Front one-and-a-half tuck.
- Oh my god.
- Ooh, oh, no!
That hurts.
[KATE]
Meg? Meg, are you all right?
Why are you just sitting
down there? Are you okay?
[KATE]
Meg? Are you coming up?
Meg, are you alive? Meg!
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
Hi.
Hey.
Are we drinking?
She'll have a Screwdriver.
Not so much ice.
Just three cubes.
Are you okay?
Yeah. Actually, no.
I think I turned my eyelid
inside out.
Oh, there's my girls.
Can I have two Tequila Sunrises?
Did you hear the weather report?
They said that the hurricane
has passed through...
so you two might get a little
beach time after all.
Hm.
Great.
Ah, great.
Yeah, a few days of a time share
isn't as good as a week...
but you know, I'll take
what I can get.
I'm not gonna see Roger
again for a month.
Is he traveling?
Back to the wife and kids.
Thank you.
I-I'm sorry, back to where?
Roger's married, just not to me.
You were celebrating your
anniversary.
Of a love affair.
Fuck you, don't judge me.
'Cause I don't like that.
'Cause let me tell you
something.
I am a lady who demands
perfection, okay?
Is it fair to his wife?
No.
Is it fair to his kids?
No.
I don't care.
Because I would do anything
for Roger.
[NANCY]
I would die for that man.
Wow.
It's true. I'd kill for him.
I'd kill his family,
I'd kill his wife.
Anybody got in my way,
I'd kill 'em.
Right there. Kill 'em.
I'd kill you, I'd kill you,
I'd kill everyone.
And I know how to do it, too,
'cause my brother's a Navy Seal.
I'm just kidding!
Oh...
It was a joke. But seriously,
you know?
Sometimes you just gotta take
what you want...
whatever the cost.
Because at the end of the day,
nobody gives a shit...
whether you're happy or not,
you know what I'm sayin'?
You can put their drinks
on my tab.
Thanks for everything, guys.
- Ryan!
- Ryan!
- No, no, no!
- Wait! Wait up!
- Oh, hey!
- There he is.
- [KATE] Hey.
- Oh, hey.
I uh, was actually looking
for you two.
Oh, well, look and you shall
find.
Yeah, I wanted to see you guys
before I left.
There's my road buddy.
Hey.
- Ladies.
- Hi.
How's your eye, Meg?
- It's fine.
- It looks a little...
You're leaving now?
Yeah, didn't you see
the weather report?
Our flight's gonna be back
on any moment.
I'm out of time. I just,
you know, can't take the chance.
If we drive through the night...
I can get you to Fort
by morning.
What fort?
Oh, local speak,
Fort Lauderdale.
You're going on a road trip
with a complete stranger?
He could be a serial killer
for all you know.
I'm not a serial killer.
That's exactly what a serial
killer would say.
You're something, you know that?
Let's hit the road.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Serial killer. That's great.
Awesome meeting you both.
- Bye.
- Bye.
(INHALES)
All right.
Yeah, okay.
- Bye.
- Wait!
- Got room for one more?
- Oh, shit.
I'll just be one minute.
Hey, you know what?
Make that... make that two!
I'll be right back, okay?
I can't help it.
I love fucked up women.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Yeah a steward you could be
And I'm your DJ
You're my record of the week
And we'll do everything
I gotta say, I did not see
this coming.
A little company, a little
conversation.
Usually I'd just be
blasting my tunes.
Uh, by the way, are you guys
on Google Plus?
- No.
- No, I'm on Tinder.
Well, get on it. We should all
be in each other's circles.
How long is the drive?
Oh, it'll be no time at all.
I know all the back ways.
Uh, 17 hours?
I've got a million songs
on this thing...
so we're all covered on music.
Right now we're listening
to the "south on I-24 mix".
Please wait four songs
before complaining.
This is gonna be fun.
Seven hours, no sweat.
Seventeen.
Oh.
I'm going to Fort Lauderdale
and I'm bringing an apple...
a banana, an egg, a frog,
a um...
griffon, a haberdasher,
an icicle, a jackalope,
and a knight.
Ha!
It was "k", and you're an
English teacher!
No, it is "k", it's "k",
like a knight in shining armor.
I'm going to Fort Lauderdale
and I'm bringing an apple...
a banana, a Chihuahua, a
dolphin, an egg, a frog...
a griffon, a haberdasher, an
icicle, a jackalope...
a knight, and a labradoodle.
- Meg, it's your turn!
- Nice work!
Ok, I'm going to Fort Lauderdale
and I hate this fucking game.
(MUSIC CHANGES)
- Gin.
- Son of a bitch.
You know what?
I wanna sit in the back.
- I'd hate me, too.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- No, no switching!
- It's my turn!
- No, no, hey, hey, no switching!
- What're you doing?
Get back in the front.
Just get right there.
Go, so I can sit here!
- What're you doing?
- It's my turn!
(MUSIC CHANGES)
- Hey.
- Thank you.
They always put too much
ice in this.
Ah, what're you doing?
Come on. Ugh.
Headed down to the beach
hand in hand just you and me
Oh my god. Oh my god, did you
seriously do that?
- That is disgusting.
- Oooh.
Oh my god. Oh my god! Open down
the window!
- Agh, dude!
- For God's sakes!
That is disgusting!
You've got the world
at your feet
Success has been so easy
for you
But don't forget it's me
Who put you
where you are now
And I can put you
back down too
Don't don't you want me
You know I can't believe it
When I hear that you
won't see me
Don't don't you want me
It smells nice.
It's lavender. It's great
for dry skin.
Not that you have any.
Feels good.
Minerals, essential vitamins,
and extracts.
(SENDS MESSAGE)
Also a shit ton of honey.
It's like sticking your hand
in a beehive.
Careful, don't get stung.
- (MESSAGE ALERT)
- Oh my god.
- What?
- It's from Meg's mom.
I texted her to wish her
a happy birthday and...
It's not her birthday.
She sent me this photo of when
we were in high school.
What photo?
Oh my god. When is this from?
- It's, uh, prom.
- (RYAN LAUGHS)
[RYAN]
What is that on your head?
- It's um...
- It's nothing, it's just a hat.
It's a helmet. It's a protective
helmet... for her skull.
Uh, may I see?
Oh, yeah, my nephew had one
of those when he was three...
and a half months old,
'cause his head was shaped...
like a zucchini and they were
trying to reshape it.
Was your head shaped
like a zucchini?
No, I just had migraines.
She had this really rare
condition.
It was um, what was it?
It was complex...
Complex chiari malformation.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it.
Malformation. It was horrible.
The kids just called her
horrible names.
She wore the thing for six
months. It was terrible.
That sucks. Man, kids can
be so mean, you know?
Yeah.
Scrotum head.
Reservoir tip.
Captain Retard.
Soft-skull Smurf...
it was horrible.
I just tried to be there
for her, though.
No matter what the kids
called her.
Well, she's lucky to have you
as a friend.
I actually feel really lucky
because her struggles...
really, they inspired me to...
to teach special needs kids...
so... so, thank you, Meg.
Oh yeah.
Scrotum head... that's pretty
good.
I'm gonna run to the ladies'
room.
You guys want something
to drink? I'm buyin'.
Oh, I'm good.
Oh, I'm good, too.
Oh... hi.
Hi, how are you today?
Oh, not bad.
Oh, yeah, thank you.
(FLIES BUZZING)
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
Oh god.
(COUGHS)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(PEEING)
(DOOR KNOB TURNS)
Occupied!
Ugh.
All right.
(JIGGLES DOOR)
Meg, is that you?
It's Scrotum head, bitch.
[KATE] Hello?
(MUSIC PLAYING)
[KATE] Hello? There's an unsafe
level of feces in here!
Hey.
Listen, Kate may be a while.
She's having an issue.
Everything okay?
Unusually heavy flow.
Don't say anything.
I would normally never tell you,
but she'd be mortified...
if everyone thought
it was the diarrhea.
That's mostly cleared up.
Ok, well, we'll just wait.
Look what I got,
the most expensive of the two.
Good idea.
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(SCREAMING)
It's crazy, isn't it?
We've only known each other
for a few days...
and yet I feel like I've known
you my whole life.
(PHONE VIBRATES)
Well, you know, we've been
stopping a lot.
We'll pick up the pace.
You know... sorry, I gotta
take this. Hey, you maniac!
Yeah, yeah man,
I'm just outside Valdosta...
I should be getting
in about 10:00.
Yeah. You guys having fun?
(BEE BUZZING)
Get... fucking bumblebee!
Jesus.
Everyone wants a bite
of that guy.
[MEG] There's not really honey
in the hand cream.
Hey. Yeah, uh, sorry. No.
Gassed up and ready to roll.
Good for you.
Where's Kate? We should hit it.
- Calm down.
- I am calm.
I just thought we were trying
to make it to a wedding.
That's why I've been speeding
the whole time.
67? That's your idea
of speeding?
Traditionally, when someone
does you a favor...
you say "thank you".
Well, I'm a rebel.
[RYAN] Uh, just keep me
posted. Okay, buddy.
Ryan! Ryan, is everything okay?
Uh, yeah, yeah.
These guys are animals.
We'll leave it at that.
[MEG] Awesome.
Anyway, I was thinking,
I'm not gonna have much to do.
Kate's obsessed with looking
for shells on the beach...
so after you finish
the wedding stuff...
and maybe you wanna hook up...
or even if you need a date,
I brought a dress.
- It's really more...
- (LOUD CRASH)
Oh my god!
Are you okay? What happened?
What happened?!
Someone locked me in the
bathroom! That's what happened!
Why? Who would do that?
That homeless guy. You know
what? I smelled meth on him.
Guys, what is taking so...
oh my god!
Are... are you okay?
Oh... you got something
on your...
(GUTTURAL SCREAM)
Where are we?
I think that's poop.
Don't touch me!
I wasn't going to.
Motherfucker!
Oh my god!
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(SIGHS)
Ugh. Oh, god.
You okay?
Yeah, it's just... my neck.
I think I tweaked it
when I fell.
- Here, come here.
- Oh yeah, sure. Thank you.
[RYAN] Right here?
Yeah. Here, just...
right there.
Oh yeah. Mm.
[KATE]
Oh god yeah, right there...
oh, oh my god, that is so good.
Yeah, you got a big knot
right here.
Oh yeah. Oh! That's awesome.
Jesus, you two, get a room.
Finally.
Oh! Mm.
Sorry you hurt your neck.
Yeah, I bet you are.
I am. Want a sip?
It might help loosen
up your neck.
No, thank you.
Nah, me neither.
That's what I get for traveling
with a bunch of stiffs.
What're you doing? Stop!
You don't know me.
I know you're the driver.
I thought you were a rebel.
How much do you weigh?
What?
You've been driving for a while.
Want me to tap in?
Look, I'm on the road like six,
seven days a month.
A haul like this
is nothing to me.
Just get some sleep.
Everything's fine.
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
Hush now close your eyes
Time to sleep
(SNORING)
[MEG] Are you insane?!
[CRAIG] Okay! We're okay. We're
okay. What'd that sign say?
Are you insane?
I'm screwed, man. I'm really
fucking screwed.
I'm not gonna make the wedding.
Yes, you are. Yes, you are,
bucko.
- When is it?
- Tomorrow.
Oh. Oh, geez, I feel weird.
Help you?
Yeah, the uh, headlamps
are out on our car.
- Is there a garage in town?
- Yeah.
You think the guy could open up
and maybe take a look?
Oh, no, I doubt it.
Can we rent a car?
- Sure.
- Now?
Oh, oh, no. Not tonight.
How long will it take us
to get a car?
I ate one of those um...
Well, it'd have to come
from the airport.
- I think they open around 8:00.
- Uh, you know.
Would they deliver it here?
I don't know. Maybe. No.
Can we borrow your car?
No.
And when you don't use bread...
Okay, well, shit.
Nothing we can do tonight.
Uh, we'll take two rooms.
I think it starts with a "T".
Uh, three rooms, actually.
I'd like my own room.
[CLERK] Three rooms.
Okay, even if we cab it
to the airport...
we could be on the road
by maybe 9:30-10:00.
There you go.
This one's out the door,
up the stairs, to the right.
There's a restaurant out back
towards the interstate.
You can walk it.
All right.
It's... open 'til 10:00.
I'm wanna get this guy in bed.
I'll uh, park the car later on.
You know, for food poisoning,
this ain't bad.
Goodnight.
See ya.
Yeah.
He's yours, okay? He's yours.
I don't want him.
I just didn't want you
to have him.
(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, hey.
Don't be so excited.
Where's Ryan?
On the phone, wedding stuff,
thought I'd give him some space.
You okay?
Yeah. Yeah.
Just got quite the buzz
going on.
Thought some alcohol would add
nicely to it.
Hey, can I get a shot of Turkey?
Thanks.
I'm gonna go play some pool.
You can sit next to me.
You sure? I don't wanna
give you cooties.
Look at that handsome guy
with that hag.
Two smiles in one night.
I'm on my game.
Finally getting your ice.
I hate ice, it hurts my teeth.
Oh.
Where's uh...
She's at the bar.
She's probably waiting for you.
Goodnight.
Wait.
What're you doing?
You two were always together.
I'm gonna kiss your mouth now.
Okay.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Wow.
Oh, I know. It's crooked.
Was it, like, in an accident
or something?
No, no, just kinda born
that way.
I've been told that it enhances
the experience.
Right.
Just another morning
Yeah whatever morning
Then without a warning
All right, here we go!
Here we go!
Oh, it's good, isn't it?
Mary, mother of God!
You okay?
Yeah, just gonna do one thing.
Oh, shit. That's okay.
Here, let me just try...
Oh yeah, that's better!
This could be my lucky
This could be my lucky
This could be my lucky day
You okay?
You know, we don't have
to do this.
Yes.
We.
Do.
Day ay ay ay ay
This could be my lucky
This could be my lucky
This could be my lucky day
Oh! Here we go!
Day ay ay ay ay
Day ay ay ay ay
Yes!
Long story short, that is how
I became a jeweler.
Screw you, Dad. Right?
Okay.
I give up.
What?
You know, I carry all kinds
of gemstones in my store.
Hundreds.
Precious, semi-precious,
uncut, faceted.
Every time a woman walks
into my store...
all she wants is one thing...
diamonds.
Don't get me wrong,
I love diamonds...
but there are so many other
stones out there...
with such amazing qualities.
Imperial jade, the texture
of a jacinth stone...
the way, if you add just
the smallest amount of iron...
to amethyst, it produces
the truest shade of violet...
you've ever seen.
I'm the imperial jade, in case
that wasn't clear.
- No, I got it.
- All right, too much bourbon.
Gotta go. 'Night.
Mm.
Spear of butter, a little bit
of cinnamon...
on a King's Hawaiian
is the ultimate comfort food.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Mind if I join you?
Shut up.
This raisin bran is amazing,
by the way. You should get some.
What's with you?
Nothing.
We have to stop. This is insane.
You're the most important person
in my life.
You know that, right?
I'm not gonna throw that away
for some doofus.
I mean, geez, right?
He's cute and everything, but
there's not much more there...
than killer abs and a bent
dick.
Look into young Ryan's eyes...
and I have serious doubt that
there's anyone home.
There you guys are.
I was knocking on your doors.
- Not now, Craig.
- Ryan's gone.
- What?
- Yeah, he stole my car.
Are you serious?
- What is the matter with you?
- What's the matter with you?!
You told me that
I could have him!
That is what you said to me
and then you went and you...
- slept with him anyway?!
- No, I...
How do you know he has
a bent dick?!
- What?!
- You slept with Ryan.
You are unbelievable, Meg.
I am done with you!
I am so done...
Wait a second, we are
not done...
and how do you know
he has a bent dick?
Because I spent the night
with him, Einstein!
Whoa, whoa!
That was a kill shot!
What?
I take Krav Maga at the Y!
That was a straight up
kill shot!
You took a fucking kill shot
at me?!
What the hell is wrong with you?
I didn't mean to take a kill
shot, are you okay?
No, I'm not okay!
I hate you!
Okay, maybe we should...
I hate you!
Will you grow up?!
Me grow up?
I paid for this trip!
- Ouch! Stop!
- I paid for everything!
You didn't pay for this
breakfast!
It's a continental! It's free!
Oh god, just once I wish you
would say "I am so sorry."
"I am dead broke again, would
you please pay for my fro-yo?"
For you, it's just a bunch
of heaped-on toppings!
I knew that that's been bugging
your ass forever!
Why do you even bother
with the yogurt?
Why don't you just go
to a fucking candy store?
Is there anything you're not
afraid of?
You think you are so strong.
You quit everything that you try
or you do something stupid...
to make sure that you fail.
You are the coward!
I'm a coward? That's rich.
Had enough?
Oh, shit.
(GUN COCKS)
Freeze, lesbians.
(POLICE RADIO CHATTER)
Okay, I've gotten statements...
from the witnesses
and the motel owner.
From what I gather,
the altercation appears...
to be over a man that you've
both been intimate with?
- Not at the same time.
- I was first.
Okay, the fella who stole your
car. What was his name?
He didn't steal my car,
he left a note.
I overreacted when I said that.
He didn't steal my car.
Okay.
What was his name?
Uh, Ryan... Ryan...
Ryan, um...
You had sexual relations
with this man...
and you don't even know
his name?
I didn't have... relations...
The desk clerk said you came in
last night with the damaged car.
Officer, I have no memory of it.
I'm still gonna need the other
fella's name.
Oh, he accepted my Google Plus
request.
I'll show you a picture
of this guy.
I'll show you his name,
his likes, his dislikes...
That would have been helpful.
Oh.
Well, he's definitely going
to a wedding.
His own.
- He's getting married?
- Oh my god!
You two are having a bad day.
- Officer!
- Sit down!
There is a woman out there who's
about to give her life over...
to a liar and a cheat and we
have the opportunity...
to stop him and to save
her, so please...
I appeal to you,
not as a police officer...
but as a woman, please.
And we'll pay for all
the damage.
Everything.
Please?
You called for a cab?
We're going to the Fort.
[DRIVER] Where?
Fort Lauderdale.
Seriously? That's gonna
cost you.
Well, we're just gonna
put it on my credit card.
We can split it three ways.
No, I'll find my way home.
Are you sure?
You don't wanna see
how this thing ends?
No, I really don't.
Come on! Let's go ruin
a wedding!
(MUSIC PLAYING)
I don't run for nobody
Yeah I like it that way
[KATE] Let's go!
And we dance
like we're on fire
When we sing
we sing too loud
But we always find our way
When we walk
against the ground
Hey hey hey
Hey hey
hey hey hey
Hey, ladies, we're almost there.
- Game face. Game face!
- Yeah.
- Game face.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And we dance like
we're on fire
When we sing
we sing too loud
But we always find our way
When we walk
against the ground
Hey hey hey
Hey hey
hey hey hey
Excuse me, hi.
Um, the wedding, we're a little
late, but can you tell us...
where the wedding is, please?
There's a wedding in Ballroom H,
just off the lobby.
Ballroom H, thank you,
thank you.
- There she is.
- Listen! Listen to us!
Stop! You're making a mistake,
don't do it!
We have to tell you something.
You're making a mistake.
Look, I know you don't know
who we are...
but I slept with your future
husband.
We both did, last night...
but we did not know that
he was getting married.
He lied to us and he will
lie to you.
What have I been...
Shut up, Dad!
You deserve better.
("WEDDING MARCH" PLAYING)
You're a piece of shit, Carlos!
(CROWD MURMURS)
Carlos?
- I feel bad about that.
- That was bad.
That was on us.
Hi.
Would there possibly be
another wedding...
at this hotel right now?
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Shit! We missed it!
[MEG]
Son of a bitch went Asian.
I'm not being racist,
I was just surprised.
There he is!
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Let's go!
Hey, Karen.
Sorry!
Hey, how're you doing?
You look beautiful.
What're you doing here?!
You lying, fucking,
piece of bent dick shit!
Shh-shh-shh!
Okay, okay!
You're pissed off, but please,
please do not screw up my...
Hey, you guys. Thank you
so much for coming.
It's great seeing you.
You lied to us, asshole!
You took advantage of us!
I liked you. I flew
in a hot air balloon for you!
- I concussed myself for you!
- Hold the fuck on!
You two were throwing
yourselves at me...
from the minute
I got on that plane.
That was a game, right? I mean,
you two were trying to prove...
I don't know what you were
trying to prove.
But it sure as shit
had nothing to do with me.
So, we kinda cancel
each other out.
Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.
Oh, that was the most beautiful
ceremony.
Thank you so much, Meemaw.
These are my friends,
Meg and Kate.
Oh. I'm sorry to break
in like that.
Vernon! Would you excuse us
for just one minute?
Vern, tell Ryan what you said.
Shit. Is he right?
Yeah.
- Wait!
- Yeah!
Right?
It was beautiful, wasn't it?
Sorry, excuse us
for just one minute.
Sorry.
You got married
ten minutes ago...
and you slept with two different
women last night?
What is wrong with you?
I know. I'm an asshole,
I know.
Asshole? It's like biblically
more than that.
I want to punch you
in the mouth.
Will you just listen to me
for one second?
I have been with Genevieve since
freshman year of college...
and hopefully I'm gonna spend...
the rest of my life
with that woman.
But freshman year.
And two girls like you?
You're like every guy's dream.
I know you're not gonna
believe this...
but nothing like this has ever
happened to me before.
- Okay, okay, okay.
- Yeah, okay.
You... you lied to us.
Why didn't you tell us
that you were the one...
who was getting married?
I didn't lie to you.
You never asked.
Please don't destroy my wedding.
Ryan. What're you doing?
Hey!
- Aren't you wearing a watch?
- Yeah, I...
Hon, I said 5:50.
Not 6:00, not 6:05.
- I'm sorry.
- What is this?
Oh, I-I was just doing a...
Seriously, Ryan?
Hi. I'm Genevieve.
And you are...?
Gen, this is uh, Meg and Kate.
They were on the plane with me.
I told you. We uh,
drove down together.
Oh, wow. You guys have been
through such an ordeal.
Yeah, you have no idea.
Well, thank you for returning
him to me safely.
I was spazzing.
- I'm sorry. Sorry.
- It stretches out the material.
Oh, that... that'll come
right out.
I think it's the ham coquette.
[GENEVIEVE]
Did you talk to your parents?
- I'm on my way.
- No, I'll do it.
Do you think you can make it
to the garden by yourself?
Yeah.
Sorry, we were supposed to start
photos seven minutes ago.
Um, are you two...
What?
Staying?
No, no, I think we just-we-we
just came to um...
- To see your dress.
- Oh, the dress!
- I love it.
- Oh, yeah, no.
- It's Christopher Perry.
- It's so gorgeous.
It was his idea, he came here
to design it.
I hope I can do it justice.
Are you kidding me?
I think that justice is very
well served, right, Meg?
Absolutely.
Well, it was lovely to meet you.
Ryan?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wow.
Oh my god.
- That was...
- Karma's a bitch.
Ryan!
I think our work here is done.
Well, it looks like a nice one.
Yeah, not bad.
We have almost four hours
'til our flight.
You wanna go mess up
another wedding?
Go to the beach?
What do you wanna do?
(DOOR BELL RINGS)
Pardon me, I'm in the market
for a precious stone.
Something lesser known,
perhaps a nice zinc?
Zinc's not a stone, it's an
element.
I know it's not a stone.
I was being poetic.
Jesus.
Well what, are you, stalking me
to bust my balls?
No, I... fuck.
Can we start again?
Hello, Craig, I'm an asshole.
You were trying to be nice
to me and I was rude...
and condescending and I didn't
even give you a chance.
And I didn't want to walk
away from this...
whole fucked-up trip
without telling you that.
Okay. Thanks.
Okay, bye.
Wait, that's it?
That's all I had planned.
I'm trying to be responsible.
This is new for me.
Okay, well... take care, Meg.
What the hell.
How about this?
(MUSIC FADES UP)
Yeah, that works, too.
Bye, Craig.
Who was that?
Well, now I'm not so sure.
- Hi.
- Hey.
I was starting to get worried
about you.
Did you find him?
Yeah.
How'd it go?
I did most of the talking.
Well, good.
At least you got it
all out there.
Almost.
I don't think we can live
together anymore.
It's me. I'm a mess.
I need to get my shit together.
And I can't, if I keep letting
you bail me out of everything.
You're too good to me.
I don't know why...
'cause I can be a real asshole
to you sometimes.
[FLIGHT ATTENDANT] We are now
boarding flight 770 to Seattle.
Please have your boarding
passes ready.
This doesn't mean that we won't
see each other...
No, of course not.
You're the most important
person in my life.
You are, too, ever since
fifth grade.
- We'll see each other as much...
- Probably more.
- As we ever had.
- Yeah.
Okay. Yeah.
Wait. You're an amazing person,
and you always have been.
I've always wanted to be more
like you.
If anything, I rely on you
too much.
I always cry at transitions.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
[DEMERIUS] Miss Jeffries!
Oh, hi, Demerius.
You're here early.
Computer club.
I um, did the report.
You said two pages?
So, is it okay that
I did it like that?
You drew this?
Yeah, I finished the book.
What they did to Piggy?
That was whack.
Yeah, that was absolutely whack.
So, is it okay?
Yeah, it's okay.
Miss Jeffries, hold up a second!
All right, I'll see you
in class.
See you in class.
Gosh, you look great.
Will you stop it?
I'm not gonna quit my job.
Who asked you to quit your job?
- You did.
- No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.
- No.
I'll check my notes,
but I'm...
I'm pretty sure you
misunderstood me.
No, on the contrary,
I'm here to offer you...
the assistant volleyball
coach position.
Mrs. Garcia's out
on maternity leave.
Did you know she was pregnant?
- No.
- Neither did I.
Uh, well, just think about it.
Get back to me, okay?
Principle Moss!
I can't, I got a board...
No, no, come here,
I want you to see this.
Demerius, that kid with the
comic, he did this.
This is amazing. Look at that.
Hmm.
You know what? I was thinking
about it over break...
and I wanna shift the paradigm
of the left-brained...
didactic teaching structure...
to a more right-brained,
outside-the-box learning style.
- Do you follow?
- I...
I'm so sorry.
It's such a bore when people
talk like assholes, isn't it?
What I'm trying to say
is I want your support...
to do more stuff like this.
Oh, and you know what?
I looked into cutting hair
and you are absolutely right.
Hairdressers make a goddamn
fortune.
It almost sounds like you're
threatening me.
Stanley... Stan... relax.
We are on the same team, here.
I am just trying to keep...
your instructional scaffolding
in place.
Especially right before testing.
Oh, and you know what?
Yes to volleyball.
Sounds like an adventure.
Go Falcons!
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
Edgeworth, he brought math
to economics.
He wrote the essay on
application of math...
to moral science, 1881.
Leon Morris... Theory of General
Competitive-
- (PHONE RINGS)
- Hold on.
Hello? Yes. I know, I know.
I'll be there.
- [CRAIG] Who is it?
- Sorry, it was Kate.
Well, you know, I gotta get to
bed anyway. I'll see you later?
Sixteen days.
Sixteen days.
Give me something to dream
about.
Oh, you scamp.
Come on.
Oh my goodness! Oh boy.
You are the mo...
(MUSIC PLAYING)
When I think that thing
you say
When my card declines
you pay
When my punch line sucks
you'll fake it
'Cause we in this for life
When you kissing that guy
I'm likin'
Hey.
When you wake in the mornin'
hidin'
We in this for life
I'm here. Has it started?
I don't think that Kalynn's
going any farther.
She's cracking.
This is too hard.
I don't know if I can...
Who acts like that?
Yeah we in this
yeah we in this
Yeah we in this thing
together
Yeah we do this
yeah we do this
Yeah we do this thing
together
Oh oh oh oh oh
Come on
oh oh oh oh oh
Now we in this
now we in this
Now we in this thing
together
When I think that thing
you say
When my card declines
you pay
When my punch line sucks
you'll fake it
'Cause we in this for life
When you kissing that guy
I'm likin'
When you're blacked out drunk
I'm drivin'
When you wake in the mornin'
hidin'
We in this for life
You're such a bitch
You call me up
while I'm at work
You made me laugh
until it hurts
You drive me crazy
Yeah you do
But thank god that I got you
Yeah we in this
Yeah we in this
Yeah we in this thing
together
Yeah we do this
yeah we do this
Yeah we do this thing
together
Oh oh oh oh oh come on
oh oh oh oh oh
Now we in this
now we in this
Now we in this thing
together
When I think that thing
you say
When my card declines
you pay
When my punch line sucks
you'll fake it
'Cause we in this for life
You're such a bitch
You call me up
while I'm at work
You made me laugh
until it hurts
You drive me crazy
yeah you do
But thank god
that I got you
Yeah we in this
yeah we in this
Yeah we in this
thing together
Yeah we do this
Yeah we do this yeah
we do this thing together
Oh oh oh oh oh
come on oh oh oh oh oh
Now we in this
now we in this
Now we in this thing
together
Nobody gonna get between us
Nothing can ever
hold us down
And even when
we hit rock bottom
We'll come back around
Nobody ever known me better
You say whatever's
on my mind
You get me and you know
I get you every time
When I think that thing
you say
When my card declines
you pay
When my punch line sucks
you'll fake it
Yeah we in this
yeah we in this
Yeah we in this thing
together
Yeah we do this
yeah we do this
Yeah we do this
thing together
Oh oh oh oh oh
come on oh oh oh oh oh
Now we in this
now we in this
Now we in this thing
together
Yeah we in this
yeah we in this
Yeah we in this thing
together
Yeah we do this
yeah we do this
Yeah we do this thing
together
Oh oh oh oh oh come on
oh oh oh oh oh
Now we in this
now we in this
Now we in this thing
together
Yeah, we in this, yeah
We in this yeah we in this
thing together
Yeah we do this
Yeah we do this yeah we do
this thing together
Oh oh oh oh oh
come on oh oh oh oh oh
Now we in this
now we in this
Now we in this thing
together
[KATE] "I'm warning you, I'm
going to get angry. Do you see?
"We are going to have fun
on this island, understand?
"We are going to have fun
on this island.
"'Come now,' said the
Lord of the Flies.
"Get back to the others and
we'll forget the whole thing.
"This has gone quite far enough,
my poor, misguided child.
"Do you think you know
better than I do?"
Okay, so we have civilization
versus savagery,
and reason versus impulse.
So many exciting themes
in one little book, right?
Over the break, I want you to
read the next three chapters.
That's three chapters, and
I want you to write two pages...
on either one of our themes,
your choice.
Demerius.
Care to read us out to the bell?
No, no, no, not that one.
The one that you have on your
lap there. What is it?
Uh... Demon Sword Z.
(SNICKERING)
Okay, let's hear it. Oh, come
on. Let's finish class strong.
"Now I have the power
of the five souls.
"Let us see what the
Gauntlet of Destiny...
"has to say about that,
demon lover.
"Then, the squid leg splits
Okami-san in half.
"Blood sprays everywhere."
This is 26% stronger than
anything else on the market.
It lasts up to four hours.
Not only are the lips fuller...
they're the most fantastic
color.
Slight tingle at first,
but it's so worth it.
Better than collagen.
Where is this from?
The Orient... a lot of the
formulas are secret.
I own the North American rights.
Oh, that's lovely.
And this would be an exclusive
for Harold's.
Hm.
That's really starting to work.
What kind of comic is this?
It's not a comic, it's manga.
"Put your demon powers in me,
squid.
"I want to feel your might
deep within."
Damn, its tentacles are like
its dicks.
Zack, your right.
"Hold back nothing, my pet.
After I summon the demon,
all you can..."
Mr. Moss. Hello.
We found some surprising
thematic similarities...
between Lord of the Flies...
(BELL RINGS)
Okay, all right.
You owe me two pages.
Have a really good break.
Where is this from?
Asia.
D-P-R-K... isn't that
North Korea?
You're trying to sell Harold's
a North Korean product?
Maybe.
The North Korea against which...
the United States has
an embargo?
Now, that embargo is kind
of like Cuba, you know?
It's sort of symbolic.
20 years, Kate. Seen it all.
Right.
Well, maybe not sex
with an octopus.
That was a first.
That was mine, too.
Please.
(CLEARS THROAT)
I wanted your help to strategize
a big picture issue...
because I see something
we both share.
A deep love for this school.
Go Falcons.
I wanna do a little
right-brained thinking...
about a left-brain problem.
Are we talking about the ARB
test scores?
I'm talking about empowerment.
I'm saying let's be the change.
Let's not squander our energy
on acrimony and recriminations.
Um... are you firing me?
What?
I'm sorry.
I'm trying to ground floor
the discussions...
so we don't waste our school's
resources on arbitration...
and severance packages.
Those things threaten the school
that we love.
Yeah, of course. Absolutely.
Sometimes a school can avoid
all that heartache...
if a teacher simply vacates
his or her post.
You want me to quit?
No. That's a personal decision.
What I want doesn't matter.
But I will say this...
I see you flourishing in a
slightly less urban teaching...
environment or perhaps in an
altogether different...
Can I admit something?
You always have great hair.
Perhaps you'd be happy
cutting hair.
Look, I took this meeting...
because Lucas spoke
highly of you.
He better have.
But I don't think this
is a good fit for Harold's.
Best of luck.
Seriously? That's it?
Just because of where
a product's made?
A bit racist, don't you think?
Okay, we're done.
No, you're done.
Because I'll take my business
elsewhere.
Where's the bathroom?
Uh, there.
Oh my god. Oh...
What the fuck?
That's my fucking car! Fuck!
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
There she is!
Hey, how'd it go?
Come dance with me!
What's going on?
Shake that bony ass of yours!
Woo!
What is happening?
Did you sell it?
Party bump!
Meg, did you sell it?
Can we finally get rid of all
these boxes?
Remember all those little
North Korea stickers...
we peeled off the bottles?
Yeah, of course. There were,
like, 10,000 of them.
Well, it turns out
there's 10,001.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.
I am totally and thoroughly
fucked.
On the other hand my car
got towed.
How was your day?
Meg, it's...
I can't.
I don't even wanna talk
about it.
Wow, how much did you spend?
Oh, I'm gonna-I'm gonna
bring it back.
But I'm gonna keep some socks.
How was school?
Great.
Moss asked me to quit.
What?
He thinks that I'd be happier
cutting hair.
Did you point out that
he's bald as fuck?
(LAUGHS)
No, I didn't tell him
he was bald as fuck.
Are you getting fired?
Excuse me.
I gotta get going.
Okay.
Can I get my clothes?
Oh, right.
Sorry.
I can't seem to... shirt, pants...
- Hi.
- Pants, pink underwear...
- Hi.
- Nope, that's mine.
Thanks for the lift.
You're gonna give me a good
review, right?
Five stars.
You buy socks and I suck...
Okay, okay, I got it,
I got it.
Hey, ladies.
Hey!
What?
She's back?!
Oh my god! Holy shit.
How's it going?
That haircut took balls, you
have to hand it to her there.
Are we still drinking?
Hells to the yeah, mothafucka.
Sweet.
I'm 28-years-old, I've had a
lot of success, and I'm ready.
Meg, you're missing the abs.
...with whom I spend the rest
of my life.
Why do these girls play
hard to get?
If it was up to me I'd have his
pants around his ankles...
by the first commercial.
Well, it's a game.
They're playing strategy.
...actually satisfy me
on a day-to-day basis.
I actually think I'd be pretty
good on this show.
(LAUGHS)
What's that supposed to mean?
You're hardly competitive, dear.
You don't have an aggressive
bone in your body.
Against these girls, you'd have
to put on your big-girl pants...
or they'd have you for lunch.
I think I'd describe myself as
definitely thinking outside...
Whatever.
[BACHELOR] I march to the beat
of my own drum.
Ugh.
A really nice day for me
is wak...
I actually like the whole
construction worker thing.
You know, the whole, like,
works with his hands,
salt-of-the-earth motif.
The only thing salty about him
is his balls.
Lovely, Meg.
Doesn't that just, like,
roll of your tongue-
You can have him, if I can have
the fireman from last season.
Oh, that fireman.
He was a panty-dropper.
Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
And for the record, just because
I don't sleep around...
doesn't mean I couldn't compete
against a group of women...
Did you just take a shot at me?
Was that a drive-by?
You drive-by-ed me.
"Big-girl pants"?
That was a slick move.
She's definitely getting a rose.
[BACHELOR] I know it's crazy
to give out roses before...
the first rose ceremony,
but I don't care.
You know, it's been a long day.
I think I'm gonna go to bed.
I just opened a new bottle.
Come on, let's finish it.
[KATE] No, I'm going to bed.
No morning re-cap.
I'm watching the rest.
[FEMALE CONTESTANT]
These girls mean nothing to me.
This is a nightmare.
Kate? Kate, wake up.
What, is there a fire?
No, there's no fire.
What's wrong? What's going on?
We're screwed up. Our lives,
things aren't going well.
Is it really 4:15?
Remember in the ninth grade
when you got stung...
by that jellyfish and I peed
on you and you got really mad?
Did you take one of my pills?
You were really mad until it
stopped hurting, right?
Yeah.
When you're faced with a
life-threatening problem...
which we are, you step away
from the problem...
and in a calm, adult way,
you self-medicate...
until the solution presents
itself.
Okay.
Preferably on a beach
with a margarita.
Okay, let's talk about it.
Yes! That's my girl.
Can we plan this in the morning?
No, we gotta go.
What? Where?
Fort Lauderdale...
I used your Sky Miles.
Today?
Now! Our flight's in three
hours.
Meg, absolutely not,
that's crazy.
I'm not going on vacation right
now. You're completely insane.
[KATE] We are going
to miss this flight!
This is completely insane!
Why even ask me, if you're
gonna just make us...
miss the goddamn flight?
[MEG] Sir, we can get out here.
[KATE] Stop. Stop. Stop!
[MEG]
Don't yell at the poor guy.
[KATE]
Thank you, thank you, sir.
You pay the driver,
I'll get the bags.
Oh my god. Look at this line!
We are going to miss
this flight!
I cannot believe this.
I kept telling you that we had
to leave.
[KATE] This happens every single
time. Look at this line!
There's no way we are making
this flight.
These are non-refundable
tickets.
I told you you can
take a bath...
or you can poach an egg
and not both.
Meg. Meg. What're you doing?
- Hold on.
- Get in line!
Excuse me.
My friend and I are about
to miss our flight.
Is there any way we can come
in this line?
Are you first class
or an Elite Club member?
We're first-class ladies.
Actually, I think I am
an Elite Club member...
if it didn't expire.
Hold on, let me check.
Ugh.
No, it's not... ugh.
Shoot. I guess not.
Sorry about that.
(SIGHS)
Thanks for your help.
And thanks for keeping us safe.
I just do check-in.
Why do you always do that?
- Do what?
- It's embarrassing.
Told you.
You can't just cut in front
of all these...
Sorry. Ugh, sorry.
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
Oh my god, you are the sweetest
thing.
Don't worry about it.
You hungry?
You could have checked your bag.
I was trying to save some money.
- You okay?
- Yeah.
You got your headphones, pills,
neck pillow...
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's gonna be fine.
It's gonna be epic.
Yeah.
Deep breath.
Ma'am, no liquids
above 3.4 ounces.
You can dispose of it in that
trash can right there.
You want me to get rid of it?
Sure thing.
(CROWD MURMURS)
Whew!
It's easier when it's a beer.
Have a good flight.
Deep breath, girl.
We're going to Florida.
It's gonna be so much fun.
Think of the beach,
think of the sunshine.
Here's your neck pillow.
Six hours in the air.
Up and down.
Please don't say "down".
We're still on the ground.
Yeah, I know, but we're high
enough already.
Middle seats are for suckers,
right?
You know what? I actually think
it'd be better if we switched.
I would, but I need extra
legroom.
It's sort of a Gandalf-Bilbo
situation.
And I'm the hobbit?
Oh my... I'm just saying,
I'm taller.
Here, take a pill.
- I already took a pill.
- Take another.
Okay.
- I'll get you a water.
- No, I don't need any water...
Excuse me, can she
get a water...
so she can take her
anti-anxiety pill?
Certainly.
Can we please keep this
to ourselves?
I was just trying to help.
It's not like I gave him
your social.
Just quit with the flirty
routine...
it's getting really old.
I wasn't. Geez.
Take a deep breath, girl.
I'm surprised you didn't show
him your bra.
I think he might try and wear
it, am I right? Uh-oh.
(BURPING)
Oh my god. Oh, my god!
Soda's coming up.
Oh, Jesus Christ, Meg.
I feel like I am in your
intestines.
- Take it.
- Stop it!
- Take it.
- Oh my god!
I got one more comin', too.
Excuse me. I think
I'm in the middle there.
Thank you.
Hi.
(BURPING)
Here's your water.
- Thank you.
- Dear lord.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
I'm Meg, by the way.
Ryan.
So what is it, Ryan?
Business or pleasure?
It's a wedding, actually.
Ah, which can sometimes feel
like work, right?
Mm.
I feel like last year,
I was at somebody's wedding...
every other weekend.
Yeah, they uh... come in waves,
don't they?
Yeah.
How about you?
- What brings you out?
- I have...
A girl's trip. I kinda hate that
expression, but it's true.
We are on a trip and we are
girls.
Okay, so you two are together?
Yeah, we're best friends.
We're just sitting in these
seats because, you know...
middle seats are for suckers.
Ah, my, uh, reputation
precedes me.
I love weddings.
As long as they're other
people's.
Yeah, that's the truth, right?
Single ladies in the house.
I'm Kate, by the way.
Hey, Ryan. It's good
to meet you.
You too.
I'm still Meg. Look at us!
Meg Ryan. We're America's
sweetheart.
Do you remember that deli scene?
Yeah, yeah, the, uh, "I'll have
what she's having".
(MOANING)
I think that my roommate
is trying to do a scene...
from When Harry Met Slarry.
When Harry Met Smarly.
When Harry Met Smarly.
When... Smarly Met...
You okay?
(SLURRING)
Is she having a stroke?
- She's fine. She's just...
- Smarly...
- Terrified of flying.
- M-marley.
She took some pharmaceuticals.
- Stay there.
- I'm jealous.
It's gonna be all right.
Well, I'll, uh, stop bothering
you guys.
Oh, you're not bothering...
(MUSIC PLAYING)
[CAPTAIN] (OVER PA)
Hello, folks.
This is your captain speaking.
Hurricane Cindy has headed
toward the Carolinas...
but it looks like she's
taken a bit of a turn...
and now they're re-directing
us to land in St. Louis.
We'll keep you updated as we
receive additional information.
Oh, man.
Since when is there a hurricane?
It's... been in the news,
like all week.
I'm not much of a news junkie.
I'm more of a bookworm.
This is just a hate-read.
(BURPS)
Excuse me, ladies, I'm gonna
need you to... oh, god.
Really?
Did you need something?
Put your seat up, and your
friend, too, please.
Kate? Kate. Wake up
for the male steward.
It's "flight attendant".
I'm moving her forward.
We're landing soon.
Holy shit.
Uh... is she... is she okay?
Let me just...
(SNORING)
We're good. We're good.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Welcome to The Sheraton.
This is the pits.
Fuck you, Cindy.
Who's Cindy?
The hurricane.
I dunno, it looks like kinda
good weather for a hurricane.
The hurricane's in Florida,
we're in St. Louis.
Jesus, you took way
too many pills.
Welcome to the St. Louis
Sheraton, I am Anuj.
- How are we today?
- Not good, Anuj.
The airline says they
lost my bag.
They did? Did they lose mine?
No, they didn't.
You didn't check a bag.
Oh, right, I didn't check a bag.
My apologies, we're tight
on space...
because of the annual
jewelry convention.
Jewelers have conventions?
However, I can put you both
in a lovely junior suite.
Now, while you're here...
please enjoy our four-star
restaurant...
pool, spa, and complimentary
shuttle service...
to the majestic St. Louis Arch
and finally, Tut's Tomb...
the number one nightclub
in St. Louis two years running.
For that, take the elevator
down to P1.
That's super, but we're only
here for one night.
Excellent. Well, if you
enjoy your stay,
I do hope you'll consider
Yelping us.
Ugh. God.
This is what we get for being
spontaneous.
(GASPS)
Oh my god, what is that color?
It's not a lipstick,
it's my Lip Lacerater.
Oh, it's fantastic.
Thanks.
Oh, hey, it's my seat mates.
Good to see you among
the living.
Yeah, thank you.
Okay, I need to go down
one more I think.
I'm gonna work off some travel
frustration at the gym.
Oh, god, your friend's wedding.
Yeah, yeah. It's not
for a few days.
I was, uh, going down early
for the bachelor party...
but those guys'll be fine.
No natural disaster's gonna
stop my buds...
from getting embarrassingly
drunk.
Hey, um, you guys wanna get
a drink later on tonight?
Might as well make the best
of this, right?
- Yeah. Yeah, sure, yeah.
- Sure. Yeah.
- I like... I like to drink.
- She does.
Not a lot, not to excess, but...
Alcohol.
Cool. How about 8:00?
Yeah, yeah, it's a date.
Well, not a date, but a plan.
Yeah.
- Have a good workout.
- Stretch, don't forget!
- Now don't... do gym.
- Don't hurt yourself.
- Oh, not bad.
- And it smells nice, too.
- Not bad at all.
- Yeah.
And look at us, having drinks
with a hot guy.
Hey, he's having drinks with us.
Right.
And who knows? Maybe one of us
will hook up, if he's lucky.
He might go for you.
Or you. You're gorgeous,
especially when you're loaded.
I am not, I look like
Mickey Rourke.
Enough with Mickey Rourke.
Why do you always say that?
- It's how I feel.
- Stop it.
You're beautiful.
This is called "Man Getting Out
of Cold Lake". Boop. Boop.
Ugh, thank god I packed
my Spanx.
Oh my god, my bag.
Can I borrow a dress?
Oh, I'm so sorry, I only packed
one.
Can I wear it?
No.
Well, what if you...
No.
Anuj.
Is there a mall around here?
Can you hold on one second,
please?
- What's that?
- The closest mall?
Uh, that would be the Westgate
Pavilion near the arch.
- How far is the arch?
- 30 minutes without traffic.
Damn it. I need a dress.
We can call a taxi for you.
June, will you please call...
No, I need one now, tonight.
What would you like me to do?
Fine.
Sir, are you still there?
Yeah, Okay, so those last
three digits...
How do I leave a review on Yelp?
Can you hold on just one more
second, please?
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey. Wow.
Right?
Where's your other half?
I don't know. Might just be me.
Well, you uh, you look
very nice.
Thank you. I didn't pack too
much 'cause it's really...
just a girl's trip,
but I thought, you know...
I thought I'd try something
with what I have...
Holy shit.
You look amazing.
You like it? I wasn't sure
I could pull it off.
No, no. You look great.
Meg's an expert at pulling
off a dress.
Okay, uh, let me go see
if I can snag us a booth.
Where did you get that?
The Indian dude at the front
desk. His mom loaned it to me.
Crazy, right?
That is so crazy.
Hey there, you ladies here
for Jewel Con?
No, uh, we're just... we're
meeting some friends.
Yes, yes, you are... us.
Namaste.
I'm Craig, precious gems
are my specialty.
Chuck here is in, uh, high-end
watch repair.
Shahar does imports.
"Shahar" is Hebrew
for "sunrise"...
which you will experience
tomorrow morning in my bed.
That was smooth.
That was very smooth.
She didn't refuse, that's good.
- Yeah, well...
- I have cocaine.
Whoa, Chuck, put it away.
He's very excited he has
cocaine.
He's been showing it to
everybody.
I smuggled it on the plane
in my underpants.
Enough about us, and you guys
are...?
Undercover federal agents
investigating...
a counterfeit diamond ring.
So you can either step aside
and let us do our job...
or I'll give Kate here the green
light to shove her taser...
in your ass and light you up.
Okay, sorry, officers.
Let's go.
Hey. I glommed on to
some fellow travelers.
This is Roger and Nancy,
Kate and Meg.
Oh my god, you look like
a fucking princess.
Thanks, it's a sari.
Honey, you got nothing to be
sorry about.
Roger and Nancy are celebrating
their anniversary.
Ten years and I think
I'll keep her.
Aw.
That's sweet.
Shit. Category four?
[NANCY]
So much for losing steam.
[ROGER] No one's getting out
of here tomorrow.
I'm not gonna make
the rehearsal dinner.
Oh, come on, don't think
like that.
Yeah, hurricanes are notoriously
unpredictable.
That's why they name them
after women, right?
It was a slam-dunk case, see
this guy didn't have a prayer...
but he did have this gorgeous
defense attorney.
Gorgeous and gifted defense
attorney.
[NANCY]
All charges were dropped.
Well, not entirely...
I did manage to negotiate
into the plea bargain...
that Nancy go on a date with me.
First time in my career,
I got two men off in one day.
More than once, as I recall.
I could have you dis-barred,
you know?
Yeah? I could have you mounted.
- [NANCY] I'll mount you.
- [ROGER] Did you bring the cuffs?
- I'll blindfold you first.
- Oh, interrogation.
Or Q & A? Mm.
I think we lost them.
What about you guys?
What do you do?
I'm a CEO.
Wow.
I sell a line of skin care
products.
You know Michelle Obama?
Is she a client?
Well, obviously I can't talk
about it...
but how about her skin?
Damn. Damn.
What about you, Kate?
I'm a teacher...
I teach high school.
Oh, nice.
Special needs high school.
Wow. Is that hard?
You know what's hard is not
being with them right now.
A lot of people think that
I teach them... but...
but really, you know,
they teach me.
Yeah.
The blind teach me how
to listen better...
and the mute teach me...
you know, not to talk so much,
so I'm gonna stop.
Man, I can't compete with you
two. I'm just a firefighter.
- (MUSIC PLAYING)
- Boy boy boy boy boy
[ANUJ] All right, what's up,
everybody? Come on.
Eh-yo, this is DJ Spooj,
rhymes with Anuj...
'cause we both gonna be on your
face by the end of the night.
All the junkies in the house
say "ho".
[CROWD] Ho!
[ANUJ] All the wacky knickers
in the house say "ayo".
[CROWD] Eh-yo!
[ANUJ]
All right, let's get to it.
Have a good night, everybody.
You guys wanna dance?
Who me?
I had no idea I could feel
this high up on another
Until one day
you had to get on up
You dirty scumbag liar
breaking my heart
And though the whole world
crumbled
You still found a way
To put Humpty back together
again
Boy meets girl boy likes girl
and tries to get with girl
If you're having a good time.
You guys know what to do.
Yelp us.
Boy meets girl boy loses girl
realize he loves her
Then boy gets girl back
again and again
And so the story begins and
ends the same way again
As promised
'cause we're only human
All looking for true love
true love
Oh shit, let's get a muh-fuckin
dance circle up in here!
Show DJ Spooj what you got!
Bring on believer
has anybody seen her
Boy meets girl
boy likes girl
And tries to get with girl
Boy kisses girl and girl
likes that
Boy cheats girl
boy loses girl
Meg! Hey! Your boob
is hanging out!
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)
Got it.
How long was it out?
20 seconds.
That's the length of a fucking
Geico commercial.
You know, I'm impressed
anyone...
could have upstaged
that flight attendant.
Well, this is you, guys.
I had a... I had a really good
time tonight.
Yeah, me too...
despite, you know...
- Night.
- Night.
Hey.
- Yeah?
- What's up?
You know, since we're gonna be
stuck here tomorrow...
it may be nice to see the city.
Maybe get a little crazy, buy a
St. Louis magnet for the fridge?
Yeah, I-I actually need
a magnet.
I have a fridge.
Great. Let's just connect
in the morning then.
- Okay. Goodnight.
- Goodnight.
Hey, you know what?
I uh, I'm actually gonna
ride up with you.
The uh, the ice machine on our
floor is broken, so...
- Oh.
- What do you need ice for?
Ice water.
Wait, you can't go.
I need you to open our door.
We... we both have keys.
I left mine in the room.
- I think that's the bell...
- Well here, whatever...
you can... you can just
take mine.
You know what?
I'll just go with you.
Don't be silly, you don't need
two people to get ice.
Thank you.
I just thought it would be
easier for you.
Elevator's closing, good luck
with the ice, guys.
- Oh, goodnight!
- Goodnight!
[MEG] Ice? Really?
At least I didn't pull
my boob out.
Do you think I did that
on purpose?
I know that you did.
You have great tits.
That's insane!
Listen, I know you wanna
do your thing...
- Not the great tits part.
- But I actually like him.
- Well, I love him.
- You love him?
Yes, I love him.
You don't even know
his last name.
So? Do Romeo and Juliet know
each other's last name?
Yes! Montague and Capulet.
Oh, I'm an English teacher.
I want him.
Not this time.
You want me to choose?
Whichever, we're totally cool
with it.
Yeah, totally. I'm cool, too.
Well, I mean, they say the
St. Louis art museum's pretty...
great, but what a day to hit
the botanical gardens, right?
Or door number three.
Boom! A hot air balloon ride!
- Now that is rad.
- A balloon?
He said he wanted to see
the city.
This way he can see all of it.
Aw, man, this seems way more fun
than paintings and plants.
Yeah well, you know, it's not
just paintings, it's...
it's furniture and sculptures
and...
Oh, I forgot your fear
of heights.
Oh... oh, we don't have to do
the balloon ride.
Oh, no, I know.
How about you hit the museum...
Ryan and I will go
in the balloon...
and then we can all meet up
for dinner later.
Yeah, if you're scared
of flying.
No, I'm not scared.
I'm not scared.
It's just airplanes, so I'll go.
I'm going.
- You sure?
- Yeah, absolutely.
It'll be an adventure.
All right then... go ballooning.
[PILOT] The ride should last
about an hour.
My brother will follow us
in the chase car.
Make sure all personal
belongings are secure.
Also, for the lovers, we have
cold champagne for purchase.
Okay, any questions?
Um, I don't mean to be rude,
but can you see?
Uh, don't worry, ma'am.
I, uh, see just fine.
Just messing with you.
All right then.
Let's touch the sky!
Woo!
Here we go!
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Yeah!
Wow.
Beautiful, isn't it?
St. Louis doesn't look so bad
from up here.
It's pretty spectacular, right?
Yeah, it's really great.
You okay? You're sweating.
Yeah, no, I'm good.
I'm just... I'm really hot.
It'll be nice and cool when we
hit about 2,000 feet.
How high are we right now?
- 500.
- (RETCHES)
You, uh, you sure you're okay?
Yes, yes, yes.
No, no, no, no, no!
You get me down right now!
Get me down right now!
Ma'am, ma'am, we gotta go
up to catch the current.
Fuck the fucking current!
I think she's having a panic
attack.
- Oh, great.
- Ssh.
- (HYPERVENTILATING)
- She's fine.
Breathe. Breathe.
Find your breath. Look at me.
Find your breath.
I'm sorry. I didn't want
to disappoint you.
Now let's take my hands,
stare into my eyes.
They're... so beautiful.
Like... like a... robin's egg.
Let's sing a song, you and me,
okay?
Pretty pretty please
don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than
Is that Pink?
I don't know, it was the first
song that came to my head.
I kinda like her.
I like her, too.
- Ready?
- Yeah.
Pretty pretty please
don't you ever ever feel
- Oh, jeez.
- Gosh, this is fun.
- [RYAN] Fucking perfect
- This is so fucking fun.
[RYAN] Pretty pretty please
- Jeez.
- How much for the champagne?
$100 with tax.
I take credit card.
Are you insane? That's a $20
bottle of brut.
You're welcome to shop around.
Pretty pretty please
don't you ever ever feel
- Like you're less than
- I'll take the fucking champagne.
Fucking perfect
Look who has bubbly.
Let's drink some champagne and
really take in this view.
You know, I'm not sure
alcohol...
is a good idea for her
right now.
I wasn't talking about her.
She's fine.
This happens all the time.
- Ssh.
- Oh, you should go and have fun.
Hey, I am having fun.
Me, too. So much fun.
- Agh, my eye!
- Oh, shit! Shit!
I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
Did you hit him in his good eye?
- She hit me in my only eye!
- [KATE] What?!
Here, let me take a look,
let me take a look.
Is it bad? I can't see.
Yeah, you got a small cut.
- Oh god, he's crying blood!
- Your pupil is red.
- Shit! Shit!
- I don't think it's too serious.
- There's a little bit of blood.
- Oh my god we're gonna die!
Everybody calm down!
No one's going to die!
We're just gonna have to land
a little early, okay?
- Okay.
- Okay.
Now, I just gotta ask:
has anybody ever piloted...
a hot air balloon before?
- (SCREAMING)
- What?
What the fuck are you talking
about?
[PILOT] Calm down! It's gonna
be all right!
(MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYING)
(SCREAMING)
(ALL SCREAMING)
- Are you okay?
- No!
Oh my god! Oh my god!
[PILOT] Can somebody call
for an ambulance?
Pretty pretty please
don't you ever ever
Please! Please be quiet!
Shut the fuck up!
(DISTANT SCREAMING)
Que pasa?
Hey, how was the balloon ride?
Nice view of the arch, right?
It was great.
I have some good news
from the airlines.
The flight's back on?
No, they found your bag.
I'm so sorry, I should have
led with that.
Yes! Thank you, Anuj.
Well, shall we celebrate
being alive?
Honestly, I think
I'm just gonna relax.
I'm gonna go upstairs, call
Florida, maybe hit the pool.
- Oh, I'll join you!
- I'll come with you.
I love the pool.
Now that I have a suitcase,
I don't have to go naked.
Maybe I'll just go naked.
Oh my god, I hate myself.
I think I'm ready.
Oh, cute suit.
I'll see you by the pool.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
[KATE] Lacerater.
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
Can I get two Mai Tai's
over here?
Hey!
This is amazing.
You've got to try it.
It looks very inviting.
I was actually wondering if
you're not doing anything later-
First, I wasn't talking to you,
and second...
it's not gonna happen, okay?
Um, this is closed.
And it's not what you think,
that you're not hot enough...
because you're totally hot
enough.
I've dated way lower.
This seat is taken.
Guys, leave the seat next
to Meg open.
Come on, scoot. There you go.
- Huh.
- Seriously? What are you doing?
Yeah, I don't know.
[KATE] Hey!
(MAN WHISTLING)
Hey, Ryan! Look, I snagged
us a chair.
Oh my god. Oh, Jesus mother
fu.... Oh... oh my god.
Oh my god, oh...
I think I might just lay
out for a bit.
Wow, you look great.
Oh, thanks.
Stop.
Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!
See, this is a definition
of "cock block".
I'm really sorry about today.
Thank you so much. I'm really...
I'm embarrassed.
Embarrassed? I'm the one
that sang Pink.
I have the feeling that
that's not the first time...
that you've sang that out loud.
[RYAN] No comment.
Wanna take a dip?
Um, actually I think we're
just gonna hang out here...
Yeah, I wouldn't mind swimming.
Yeah, me, too.
I'd love to do that.
I'll come, too.
(KIDS LAUGHING)
- You don't see that much.
- What?
A hotel pool you can actually
dive in.
We love diving!
We used to go every summer
at your...
At my dad's houseboat!
You were so nervous to jump
in at first, remember?
You told me there were
piranhas in the lake...
and it freaked me out...
that was so mean of you.
You're just mad 'cause I always
beat you at diving.
That's 'cause your dad
was the judge.
I would have won with an
impartial jury.
I was so much better than you.
That's funny.
Well, you got one now.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Okay, let's start with the
basics. Jack knife.
You call that a jack knife?
That was more like a belly flop.
And deduct points for splash,
that's the Olympic rules.
Got it.
Now, a jack knife...
the right way.
Whoa.
Oh, shit.
Impartial judge gives you
a five... both of you.
Time to step it up, back flip.
Go on, do it.
Okay!
Nice!
That was your best back flip?
What're you doing?
Forward one-and-a-half tuck.
- Uh...
- What is that?
Are you crazy?
That is so dangerous.
- Still scared, I guess.
- No, I'm not scared.
It's gonna kick out.
Okay, fine, go ahead, go ahead,
do what you want.
Front one-and-a-half tuck.
- Oh my god.
- Ooh, oh, no!
That hurts.
[KATE]
Meg? Meg, are you all right?
Why are you just sitting
down there? Are you okay?
[KATE]
Meg? Are you coming up?
Meg, are you alive? Meg!
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
Hi.
Hey.
Are we drinking?
She'll have a Screwdriver.
Not so much ice.
Just three cubes.
Are you okay?
Yeah. Actually, no.
I think I turned my eyelid
inside out.
Oh, there's my girls.
Can I have two Tequila Sunrises?
Did you hear the weather report?
They said that the hurricane
has passed through...
so you two might get a little
beach time after all.
Hm.
Great.
Ah, great.
Yeah, a few days of a time share
isn't as good as a week...
but you know, I'll take
what I can get.
I'm not gonna see Roger
again for a month.
Is he traveling?
Back to the wife and kids.
Thank you.
I-I'm sorry, back to where?
Roger's married, just not to me.
You were celebrating your
anniversary.
Of a love affair.
Fuck you, don't judge me.
'Cause I don't like that.
'Cause let me tell you
something.
I am a lady who demands
perfection, okay?
Is it fair to his wife?
No.
Is it fair to his kids?
No.
I don't care.
Because I would do anything
for Roger.
[NANCY]
I would die for that man.
Wow.
It's true. I'd kill for him.
I'd kill his family,
I'd kill his wife.
Anybody got in my way,
I'd kill 'em.
Right there. Kill 'em.
I'd kill you, I'd kill you,
I'd kill everyone.
And I know how to do it, too,
'cause my brother's a Navy Seal.
I'm just kidding!
Oh...
It was a joke. But seriously,
you know?
Sometimes you just gotta take
what you want...
whatever the cost.
Because at the end of the day,
nobody gives a shit...
whether you're happy or not,
you know what I'm sayin'?
You can put their drinks
on my tab.
Thanks for everything, guys.
- Ryan!
- Ryan!
- No, no, no!
- Wait! Wait up!
- Oh, hey!
- There he is.
- [KATE] Hey.
- Oh, hey.
I uh, was actually looking
for you two.
Oh, well, look and you shall
find.
Yeah, I wanted to see you guys
before I left.
There's my road buddy.
Hey.
- Ladies.
- Hi.
How's your eye, Meg?
- It's fine.
- It looks a little...
You're leaving now?
Yeah, didn't you see
the weather report?
Our flight's gonna be back
on any moment.
I'm out of time. I just,
you know, can't take the chance.
If we drive through the night...
I can get you to Fort
by morning.
What fort?
Oh, local speak,
Fort Lauderdale.
You're going on a road trip
with a complete stranger?
He could be a serial killer
for all you know.
I'm not a serial killer.
That's exactly what a serial
killer would say.
You're something, you know that?
Let's hit the road.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Serial killer. That's great.
Awesome meeting you both.
- Bye.
- Bye.
(INHALES)
All right.
Yeah, okay.
- Bye.
- Wait!
- Got room for one more?
- Oh, shit.
I'll just be one minute.
Hey, you know what?
Make that... make that two!
I'll be right back, okay?
I can't help it.
I love fucked up women.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Yeah a steward you could be
And I'm your DJ
You're my record of the week
And we'll do everything
I gotta say, I did not see
this coming.
A little company, a little
conversation.
Usually I'd just be
blasting my tunes.
Uh, by the way, are you guys
on Google Plus?
- No.
- No, I'm on Tinder.
Well, get on it. We should all
be in each other's circles.
How long is the drive?
Oh, it'll be no time at all.
I know all the back ways.
Uh, 17 hours?
I've got a million songs
on this thing...
so we're all covered on music.
Right now we're listening
to the "south on I-24 mix".
Please wait four songs
before complaining.
This is gonna be fun.
Seven hours, no sweat.
Seventeen.
Oh.
I'm going to Fort Lauderdale
and I'm bringing an apple...
a banana, an egg, a frog,
a um...
griffon, a haberdasher,
an icicle, a jackalope,
and a knight.
Ha!
It was "k", and you're an
English teacher!
No, it is "k", it's "k",
like a knight in shining armor.
I'm going to Fort Lauderdale
and I'm bringing an apple...
a banana, a Chihuahua, a
dolphin, an egg, a frog...
a griffon, a haberdasher, an
icicle, a jackalope...
a knight, and a labradoodle.
- Meg, it's your turn!
- Nice work!
Ok, I'm going to Fort Lauderdale
and I hate this fucking game.
(MUSIC CHANGES)
- Gin.
- Son of a bitch.
You know what?
I wanna sit in the back.
- I'd hate me, too.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- No, no switching!
- It's my turn!
- No, no, hey, hey, no switching!
- What're you doing?
Get back in the front.
Just get right there.
Go, so I can sit here!
- What're you doing?
- It's my turn!
(MUSIC CHANGES)
- Hey.
- Thank you.
They always put too much
ice in this.
Ah, what're you doing?
Come on. Ugh.
Headed down to the beach
hand in hand just you and me
Oh my god. Oh my god, did you
seriously do that?
- That is disgusting.
- Oooh.
Oh my god. Oh my god! Open down
the window!
- Agh, dude!
- For God's sakes!
That is disgusting!
You've got the world
at your feet
Success has been so easy
for you
But don't forget it's me
Who put you
where you are now
And I can put you
back down too
Don't don't you want me
You know I can't believe it
When I hear that you
won't see me
Don't don't you want me
It smells nice.
It's lavender. It's great
for dry skin.
Not that you have any.
Feels good.
Minerals, essential vitamins,
and extracts.
(SENDS MESSAGE)
Also a shit ton of honey.
It's like sticking your hand
in a beehive.
Careful, don't get stung.
- (MESSAGE ALERT)
- Oh my god.
- What?
- It's from Meg's mom.
I texted her to wish her
a happy birthday and...
It's not her birthday.
She sent me this photo of when
we were in high school.
What photo?
Oh my god. When is this from?
- It's, uh, prom.
- (RYAN LAUGHS)
[RYAN]
What is that on your head?
- It's um...
- It's nothing, it's just a hat.
It's a helmet. It's a protective
helmet... for her skull.
Uh, may I see?
Oh, yeah, my nephew had one
of those when he was three...
and a half months old,
'cause his head was shaped...
like a zucchini and they were
trying to reshape it.
Was your head shaped
like a zucchini?
No, I just had migraines.
She had this really rare
condition.
It was um, what was it?
It was complex...
Complex chiari malformation.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it.
Malformation. It was horrible.
The kids just called her
horrible names.
She wore the thing for six
months. It was terrible.
That sucks. Man, kids can
be so mean, you know?
Yeah.
Scrotum head.
Reservoir tip.
Captain Retard.
Soft-skull Smurf...
it was horrible.
I just tried to be there
for her, though.
No matter what the kids
called her.
Well, she's lucky to have you
as a friend.
I actually feel really lucky
because her struggles...
really, they inspired me to...
to teach special needs kids...
so... so, thank you, Meg.
Oh yeah.
Scrotum head... that's pretty
good.
I'm gonna run to the ladies'
room.
You guys want something
to drink? I'm buyin'.
Oh, I'm good.
Oh, I'm good, too.
Oh... hi.
Hi, how are you today?
Oh, not bad.
Oh, yeah, thank you.
(FLIES BUZZING)
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
Oh god.
(COUGHS)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(PEEING)
(DOOR KNOB TURNS)
Occupied!
Ugh.
All right.
(JIGGLES DOOR)
Meg, is that you?
It's Scrotum head, bitch.
[KATE] Hello?
(MUSIC PLAYING)
[KATE] Hello? There's an unsafe
level of feces in here!
Hey.
Listen, Kate may be a while.
She's having an issue.
Everything okay?
Unusually heavy flow.
Don't say anything.
I would normally never tell you,
but she'd be mortified...
if everyone thought
it was the diarrhea.
That's mostly cleared up.
Ok, well, we'll just wait.
Look what I got,
the most expensive of the two.
Good idea.
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(SCREAMING)
It's crazy, isn't it?
We've only known each other
for a few days...
and yet I feel like I've known
you my whole life.
(PHONE VIBRATES)
Well, you know, we've been
stopping a lot.
We'll pick up the pace.
You know... sorry, I gotta
take this. Hey, you maniac!
Yeah, yeah man,
I'm just outside Valdosta...
I should be getting
in about 10:00.
Yeah. You guys having fun?
(BEE BUZZING)
Get... fucking bumblebee!
Jesus.
Everyone wants a bite
of that guy.
[MEG] There's not really honey
in the hand cream.
Hey. Yeah, uh, sorry. No.
Gassed up and ready to roll.
Good for you.
Where's Kate? We should hit it.
- Calm down.
- I am calm.
I just thought we were trying
to make it to a wedding.
That's why I've been speeding
the whole time.
67? That's your idea
of speeding?
Traditionally, when someone
does you a favor...
you say "thank you".
Well, I'm a rebel.
[RYAN] Uh, just keep me
posted. Okay, buddy.
Ryan! Ryan, is everything okay?
Uh, yeah, yeah.
These guys are animals.
We'll leave it at that.
[MEG] Awesome.
Anyway, I was thinking,
I'm not gonna have much to do.
Kate's obsessed with looking
for shells on the beach...
so after you finish
the wedding stuff...
and maybe you wanna hook up...
or even if you need a date,
I brought a dress.
- It's really more...
- (LOUD CRASH)
Oh my god!
Are you okay? What happened?
What happened?!
Someone locked me in the
bathroom! That's what happened!
Why? Who would do that?
That homeless guy. You know
what? I smelled meth on him.
Guys, what is taking so...
oh my god!
Are... are you okay?
Oh... you got something
on your...
(GUTTURAL SCREAM)
Where are we?
I think that's poop.
Don't touch me!
I wasn't going to.
Motherfucker!
Oh my god!
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(SIGHS)
Ugh. Oh, god.
You okay?
Yeah, it's just... my neck.
I think I tweaked it
when I fell.
- Here, come here.
- Oh yeah, sure. Thank you.
[RYAN] Right here?
Yeah. Here, just...
right there.
Oh yeah. Mm.
[KATE]
Oh god yeah, right there...
oh, oh my god, that is so good.
Yeah, you got a big knot
right here.
Oh yeah. Oh! That's awesome.
Jesus, you two, get a room.
Finally.
Oh! Mm.
Sorry you hurt your neck.
Yeah, I bet you are.
I am. Want a sip?
It might help loosen
up your neck.
No, thank you.
Nah, me neither.
That's what I get for traveling
with a bunch of stiffs.
What're you doing? Stop!
You don't know me.
I know you're the driver.
I thought you were a rebel.
How much do you weigh?
What?
You've been driving for a while.
Want me to tap in?
Look, I'm on the road like six,
seven days a month.
A haul like this
is nothing to me.
Just get some sleep.
Everything's fine.
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
Hush now close your eyes
Time to sleep
(SNORING)
[MEG] Are you insane?!
[CRAIG] Okay! We're okay. We're
okay. What'd that sign say?
Are you insane?
I'm screwed, man. I'm really
fucking screwed.
I'm not gonna make the wedding.
Yes, you are. Yes, you are,
bucko.
- When is it?
- Tomorrow.
Oh. Oh, geez, I feel weird.
Help you?
Yeah, the uh, headlamps
are out on our car.
- Is there a garage in town?
- Yeah.
You think the guy could open up
and maybe take a look?
Oh, no, I doubt it.
Can we rent a car?
- Sure.
- Now?
Oh, oh, no. Not tonight.
How long will it take us
to get a car?
I ate one of those um...
Well, it'd have to come
from the airport.
- I think they open around 8:00.
- Uh, you know.
Would they deliver it here?
I don't know. Maybe. No.
Can we borrow your car?
No.
And when you don't use bread...
Okay, well, shit.
Nothing we can do tonight.
Uh, we'll take two rooms.
I think it starts with a "T".
Uh, three rooms, actually.
I'd like my own room.
[CLERK] Three rooms.
Okay, even if we cab it
to the airport...
we could be on the road
by maybe 9:30-10:00.
There you go.
This one's out the door,
up the stairs, to the right.
There's a restaurant out back
towards the interstate.
You can walk it.
All right.
It's... open 'til 10:00.
I'm wanna get this guy in bed.
I'll uh, park the car later on.
You know, for food poisoning,
this ain't bad.
Goodnight.
See ya.
Yeah.
He's yours, okay? He's yours.
I don't want him.
I just didn't want you
to have him.
(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, hey.
Don't be so excited.
Where's Ryan?
On the phone, wedding stuff,
thought I'd give him some space.
You okay?
Yeah. Yeah.
Just got quite the buzz
going on.
Thought some alcohol would add
nicely to it.
Hey, can I get a shot of Turkey?
Thanks.
I'm gonna go play some pool.
You can sit next to me.
You sure? I don't wanna
give you cooties.
Look at that handsome guy
with that hag.
Two smiles in one night.
I'm on my game.
Finally getting your ice.
I hate ice, it hurts my teeth.
Oh.
Where's uh...
She's at the bar.
She's probably waiting for you.
Goodnight.
Wait.
What're you doing?
You two were always together.
I'm gonna kiss your mouth now.
Okay.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Wow.
Oh, I know. It's crooked.
Was it, like, in an accident
or something?
No, no, just kinda born
that way.
I've been told that it enhances
the experience.
Right.
Just another morning
Yeah whatever morning
Then without a warning
All right, here we go!
Here we go!
Oh, it's good, isn't it?
Mary, mother of God!
You okay?
Yeah, just gonna do one thing.
Oh, shit. That's okay.
Here, let me just try...
Oh yeah, that's better!
This could be my lucky
This could be my lucky
This could be my lucky day
You okay?
You know, we don't have
to do this.
Yes.
We.
Do.
Day ay ay ay ay
This could be my lucky
This could be my lucky
This could be my lucky day
Oh! Here we go!
Day ay ay ay ay
Day ay ay ay ay
Yes!
Long story short, that is how
I became a jeweler.
Screw you, Dad. Right?
Okay.
I give up.
What?
You know, I carry all kinds
of gemstones in my store.
Hundreds.
Precious, semi-precious,
uncut, faceted.
Every time a woman walks
into my store...
all she wants is one thing...
diamonds.
Don't get me wrong,
I love diamonds...
but there are so many other
stones out there...
with such amazing qualities.
Imperial jade, the texture
of a jacinth stone...
the way, if you add just
the smallest amount of iron...
to amethyst, it produces
the truest shade of violet...
you've ever seen.
I'm the imperial jade, in case
that wasn't clear.
- No, I got it.
- All right, too much bourbon.
Gotta go. 'Night.
Mm.
Spear of butter, a little bit
of cinnamon...
on a King's Hawaiian
is the ultimate comfort food.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Mind if I join you?
Shut up.
This raisin bran is amazing,
by the way. You should get some.
What's with you?
Nothing.
We have to stop. This is insane.
You're the most important person
in my life.
You know that, right?
I'm not gonna throw that away
for some doofus.
I mean, geez, right?
He's cute and everything, but
there's not much more there...
than killer abs and a bent
dick.
Look into young Ryan's eyes...
and I have serious doubt that
there's anyone home.
There you guys are.
I was knocking on your doors.
- Not now, Craig.
- Ryan's gone.
- What?
- Yeah, he stole my car.
Are you serious?
- What is the matter with you?
- What's the matter with you?!
You told me that
I could have him!
That is what you said to me
and then you went and you...
- slept with him anyway?!
- No, I...
How do you know he has
a bent dick?!
- What?!
- You slept with Ryan.
You are unbelievable, Meg.
I am done with you!
I am so done...
Wait a second, we are
not done...
and how do you know
he has a bent dick?
Because I spent the night
with him, Einstein!
Whoa, whoa!
That was a kill shot!
What?
I take Krav Maga at the Y!
That was a straight up
kill shot!
You took a fucking kill shot
at me?!
What the hell is wrong with you?
I didn't mean to take a kill
shot, are you okay?
No, I'm not okay!
I hate you!
Okay, maybe we should...
I hate you!
Will you grow up?!
Me grow up?
I paid for this trip!
- Ouch! Stop!
- I paid for everything!
You didn't pay for this
breakfast!
It's a continental! It's free!
Oh god, just once I wish you
would say "I am so sorry."
"I am dead broke again, would
you please pay for my fro-yo?"
For you, it's just a bunch
of heaped-on toppings!
I knew that that's been bugging
your ass forever!
Why do you even bother
with the yogurt?
Why don't you just go
to a fucking candy store?
Is there anything you're not
afraid of?
You think you are so strong.
You quit everything that you try
or you do something stupid...
to make sure that you fail.
You are the coward!
I'm a coward? That's rich.
Had enough?
Oh, shit.
(GUN COCKS)
Freeze, lesbians.
(POLICE RADIO CHATTER)
Okay, I've gotten statements...
from the witnesses
and the motel owner.
From what I gather,
the altercation appears...
to be over a man that you've
both been intimate with?
- Not at the same time.
- I was first.
Okay, the fella who stole your
car. What was his name?
He didn't steal my car,
he left a note.
I overreacted when I said that.
He didn't steal my car.
Okay.
What was his name?
Uh, Ryan... Ryan...
Ryan, um...
You had sexual relations
with this man...
and you don't even know
his name?
I didn't have... relations...
The desk clerk said you came in
last night with the damaged car.
Officer, I have no memory of it.
I'm still gonna need the other
fella's name.
Oh, he accepted my Google Plus
request.
I'll show you a picture
of this guy.
I'll show you his name,
his likes, his dislikes...
That would have been helpful.
Oh.
Well, he's definitely going
to a wedding.
His own.
- He's getting married?
- Oh my god!
You two are having a bad day.
- Officer!
- Sit down!
There is a woman out there who's
about to give her life over...
to a liar and a cheat and we
have the opportunity...
to stop him and to save
her, so please...
I appeal to you,
not as a police officer...
but as a woman, please.
And we'll pay for all
the damage.
Everything.
Please?
You called for a cab?
We're going to the Fort.
[DRIVER] Where?
Fort Lauderdale.
Seriously? That's gonna
cost you.
Well, we're just gonna
put it on my credit card.
We can split it three ways.
No, I'll find my way home.
Are you sure?
You don't wanna see
how this thing ends?
No, I really don't.
Come on! Let's go ruin
a wedding!
(MUSIC PLAYING)
I don't run for nobody
Yeah I like it that way
[KATE] Let's go!
And we dance
like we're on fire
When we sing
we sing too loud
But we always find our way
When we walk
against the ground
Hey hey hey
Hey hey
hey hey hey
Hey, ladies, we're almost there.
- Game face. Game face!
- Yeah.
- Game face.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And we dance like
we're on fire
When we sing
we sing too loud
But we always find our way
When we walk
against the ground
Hey hey hey
Hey hey
hey hey hey
Excuse me, hi.
Um, the wedding, we're a little
late, but can you tell us...
where the wedding is, please?
There's a wedding in Ballroom H,
just off the lobby.
Ballroom H, thank you,
thank you.
- There she is.
- Listen! Listen to us!
Stop! You're making a mistake,
don't do it!
We have to tell you something.
You're making a mistake.
Look, I know you don't know
who we are...
but I slept with your future
husband.
We both did, last night...
but we did not know that
he was getting married.
He lied to us and he will
lie to you.
What have I been...
Shut up, Dad!
You deserve better.
("WEDDING MARCH" PLAYING)
You're a piece of shit, Carlos!
(CROWD MURMURS)
Carlos?
- I feel bad about that.
- That was bad.
That was on us.
Hi.
Would there possibly be
another wedding...
at this hotel right now?
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Shit! We missed it!
[MEG]
Son of a bitch went Asian.
I'm not being racist,
I was just surprised.
There he is!
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Let's go!
Hey, Karen.
Sorry!
Hey, how're you doing?
You look beautiful.
What're you doing here?!
You lying, fucking,
piece of bent dick shit!
Shh-shh-shh!
Okay, okay!
You're pissed off, but please,
please do not screw up my...
Hey, you guys. Thank you
so much for coming.
It's great seeing you.
You lied to us, asshole!
You took advantage of us!
I liked you. I flew
in a hot air balloon for you!
- I concussed myself for you!
- Hold the fuck on!
You two were throwing
yourselves at me...
from the minute
I got on that plane.
That was a game, right? I mean,
you two were trying to prove...
I don't know what you were
trying to prove.
But it sure as shit
had nothing to do with me.
So, we kinda cancel
each other out.
Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.
Oh, that was the most beautiful
ceremony.
Thank you so much, Meemaw.
These are my friends,
Meg and Kate.
Oh. I'm sorry to break
in like that.
Vernon! Would you excuse us
for just one minute?
Vern, tell Ryan what you said.
Shit. Is he right?
Yeah.
- Wait!
- Yeah!
Right?
It was beautiful, wasn't it?
Sorry, excuse us
for just one minute.
Sorry.
You got married
ten minutes ago...
and you slept with two different
women last night?
What is wrong with you?
I know. I'm an asshole,
I know.
Asshole? It's like biblically
more than that.
I want to punch you
in the mouth.
Will you just listen to me
for one second?
I have been with Genevieve since
freshman year of college...
and hopefully I'm gonna spend...
the rest of my life
with that woman.
But freshman year.
And two girls like you?
You're like every guy's dream.
I know you're not gonna
believe this...
but nothing like this has ever
happened to me before.
- Okay, okay, okay.
- Yeah, okay.
You... you lied to us.
Why didn't you tell us
that you were the one...
who was getting married?
I didn't lie to you.
You never asked.
Please don't destroy my wedding.
Ryan. What're you doing?
Hey!
- Aren't you wearing a watch?
- Yeah, I...
Hon, I said 5:50.
Not 6:00, not 6:05.
- I'm sorry.
- What is this?
Oh, I-I was just doing a...
Seriously, Ryan?
Hi. I'm Genevieve.
And you are...?
Gen, this is uh, Meg and Kate.
They were on the plane with me.
I told you. We uh,
drove down together.
Oh, wow. You guys have been
through such an ordeal.
Yeah, you have no idea.
Well, thank you for returning
him to me safely.
I was spazzing.
- I'm sorry. Sorry.
- It stretches out the material.
Oh, that... that'll come
right out.
I think it's the ham coquette.
[GENEVIEVE]
Did you talk to your parents?
- I'm on my way.
- No, I'll do it.
Do you think you can make it
to the garden by yourself?
Yeah.
Sorry, we were supposed to start
photos seven minutes ago.
Um, are you two...
What?
Staying?
No, no, I think we just-we-we
just came to um...
- To see your dress.
- Oh, the dress!
- I love it.
- Oh, yeah, no.
- It's Christopher Perry.
- It's so gorgeous.
It was his idea, he came here
to design it.
I hope I can do it justice.
Are you kidding me?
I think that justice is very
well served, right, Meg?
Absolutely.
Well, it was lovely to meet you.
Ryan?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wow.
Oh my god.
- That was...
- Karma's a bitch.
Ryan!
I think our work here is done.
Well, it looks like a nice one.
Yeah, not bad.
We have almost four hours
'til our flight.
You wanna go mess up
another wedding?
Go to the beach?
What do you wanna do?
(DOOR BELL RINGS)
Pardon me, I'm in the market
for a precious stone.
Something lesser known,
perhaps a nice zinc?
Zinc's not a stone, it's an
element.
I know it's not a stone.
I was being poetic.
Jesus.
Well what, are you, stalking me
to bust my balls?
No, I... fuck.
Can we start again?
Hello, Craig, I'm an asshole.
You were trying to be nice
to me and I was rude...
and condescending and I didn't
even give you a chance.
And I didn't want to walk
away from this...
whole fucked-up trip
without telling you that.
Okay. Thanks.
Okay, bye.
Wait, that's it?
That's all I had planned.
I'm trying to be responsible.
This is new for me.
Okay, well... take care, Meg.
What the hell.
How about this?
(MUSIC FADES UP)
Yeah, that works, too.
Bye, Craig.
Who was that?
Well, now I'm not so sure.
- Hi.
- Hey.
I was starting to get worried
about you.
Did you find him?
Yeah.
How'd it go?
I did most of the talking.
Well, good.
At least you got it
all out there.
Almost.
I don't think we can live
together anymore.
It's me. I'm a mess.
I need to get my shit together.
And I can't, if I keep letting
you bail me out of everything.
You're too good to me.
I don't know why...
'cause I can be a real asshole
to you sometimes.
[FLIGHT ATTENDANT] We are now
boarding flight 770 to Seattle.
Please have your boarding
passes ready.
This doesn't mean that we won't
see each other...
No, of course not.
You're the most important
person in my life.
You are, too, ever since
fifth grade.
- We'll see each other as much...
- Probably more.
- As we ever had.
- Yeah.
Okay. Yeah.
Wait. You're an amazing person,
and you always have been.
I've always wanted to be more
like you.
If anything, I rely on you
too much.
I always cry at transitions.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
[DEMERIUS] Miss Jeffries!
Oh, hi, Demerius.
You're here early.
Computer club.
I um, did the report.
You said two pages?
So, is it okay that
I did it like that?
You drew this?
Yeah, I finished the book.
What they did to Piggy?
That was whack.
Yeah, that was absolutely whack.
So, is it okay?
Yeah, it's okay.
Miss Jeffries, hold up a second!
All right, I'll see you
in class.
See you in class.
Gosh, you look great.
Will you stop it?
I'm not gonna quit my job.
Who asked you to quit your job?
- You did.
- No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.
- No.
I'll check my notes,
but I'm...
I'm pretty sure you
misunderstood me.
No, on the contrary,
I'm here to offer you...
the assistant volleyball
coach position.
Mrs. Garcia's out
on maternity leave.
Did you know she was pregnant?
- No.
- Neither did I.
Uh, well, just think about it.
Get back to me, okay?
Principle Moss!
I can't, I got a board...
No, no, come here,
I want you to see this.
Demerius, that kid with the
comic, he did this.
This is amazing. Look at that.
Hmm.
You know what? I was thinking
about it over break...
and I wanna shift the paradigm
of the left-brained...
didactic teaching structure...
to a more right-brained,
outside-the-box learning style.
- Do you follow?
- I...
I'm so sorry.
It's such a bore when people
talk like assholes, isn't it?
What I'm trying to say
is I want your support...
to do more stuff like this.
Oh, and you know what?
I looked into cutting hair
and you are absolutely right.
Hairdressers make a goddamn
fortune.
It almost sounds like you're
threatening me.
Stanley... Stan... relax.
We are on the same team, here.
I am just trying to keep...
your instructional scaffolding
in place.
Especially right before testing.
Oh, and you know what?
Yes to volleyball.
Sounds like an adventure.
Go Falcons!
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
Edgeworth, he brought math
to economics.
He wrote the essay on
application of math...
to moral science, 1881.
Leon Morris... Theory of General
Competitive-
- (PHONE RINGS)
- Hold on.
Hello? Yes. I know, I know.
I'll be there.
- [CRAIG] Who is it?
- Sorry, it was Kate.
Well, you know, I gotta get to
bed anyway. I'll see you later?
Sixteen days.
Sixteen days.
Give me something to dream
about.
Oh, you scamp.
Come on.
Oh my goodness! Oh boy.
You are the mo...
(MUSIC PLAYING)
When I think that thing
you say
When my card declines
you pay
When my punch line sucks
you'll fake it
'Cause we in this for life
When you kissing that guy
I'm likin'
Hey.
When you wake in the mornin'
hidin'
We in this for life
I'm here. Has it started?
I don't think that Kalynn's
going any farther.
She's cracking.
This is too hard.
I don't know if I can...
Who acts like that?
Yeah we in this
yeah we in this
Yeah we in this thing
together
Yeah we do this
yeah we do this
Yeah we do this thing
together
Oh oh oh oh oh
Come on
oh oh oh oh oh
Now we in this
now we in this
Now we in this thing
together
When I think that thing
you say
When my card declines
you pay
When my punch line sucks
you'll fake it
'Cause we in this for life
When you kissing that guy
I'm likin'
When you're blacked out drunk
I'm drivin'
When you wake in the mornin'
hidin'
We in this for life
You're such a bitch
You call me up
while I'm at work
You made me laugh
until it hurts
You drive me crazy
Yeah you do
But thank god that I got you
Yeah we in this
Yeah we in this
Yeah we in this thing
together
Yeah we do this
yeah we do this
Yeah we do this thing
together
Oh oh oh oh oh come on
oh oh oh oh oh
Now we in this
now we in this
Now we in this thing
together
When I think that thing
you say
When my card declines
you pay
When my punch line sucks
you'll fake it
'Cause we in this for life
You're such a bitch
You call me up
while I'm at work
You made me laugh
until it hurts
You drive me crazy
yeah you do
But thank god
that I got you
Yeah we in this
yeah we in this
Yeah we in this
thing together
Yeah we do this
Yeah we do this yeah
we do this thing together
Oh oh oh oh oh
come on oh oh oh oh oh
Now we in this
now we in this
Now we in this thing
together
Nobody gonna get between us
Nothing can ever
hold us down
And even when
we hit rock bottom
We'll come back around
Nobody ever known me better
You say whatever's
on my mind
You get me and you know
I get you every time
When I think that thing
you say
When my card declines
you pay
When my punch line sucks
you'll fake it
Yeah we in this
yeah we in this
Yeah we in this thing
together
Yeah we do this
yeah we do this
Yeah we do this
thing together
Oh oh oh oh oh
come on oh oh oh oh oh
Now we in this
now we in this
Now we in this thing
together
Yeah we in this
yeah we in this
Yeah we in this thing
together
Yeah we do this
yeah we do this
Yeah we do this thing
together
Oh oh oh oh oh come on
oh oh oh oh oh
Now we in this
now we in this
Now we in this thing
together
Yeah, we in this, yeah
We in this yeah we in this
thing together
Yeah we do this
Yeah we do this yeah we do
this thing together
Oh oh oh oh oh
come on oh oh oh oh oh
Now we in this
now we in this
Now we in this thing
together