The League of Gentlemen (1960) Movie Script

Banca, darling.
Wake up, darling.
What's... What's happening?
Are we being raided?
No. That's the one thing
we've still got to look forward to.
Come on, baby.
Sit up and have some nice brekky-wekky.
- Did we...?
- No, darling.
I wasn't thinking of that...for once.
What I was struggling to say was...
Prop me up, darling.
I know you're not allowed
to prompt the contestants, but...
was last night as bad as I remember?
We didn't do very well,yes?
Correct inthe first part.
Cleaned out?
You are correct in the second part.
You've just won a fabulous weekend with no
expenses paid in glamorous Notting Hill Gate.
Have some coffee.
Never has a house lost so much,
so consistently, to so few.
The lease is up here, old darling.
What now?
Meaning me?
Don't worry. I'll be all right.
There's always a spot for me
in the south of France with dear old Bertie.
''Bonjour Tristesse''and all that.
I can always close my eyes
and think of England. What about you?
I'll take the bottles back
and collect the pennies onthe empties.
Not to worry. Something always tums up.
Like me?
Not quite like you.
It's a pity this isn't deductible.
We'd make a fortune.
I'll go and run your bathfor you.
Co-operative Removals Ltd?
Did you open this?
No, no, no. I'm listening.
Well, that's very nice to hear.
No, I'm not promising.
Well, you ring me later and find out. Bye.
Run some more hot infor me, will you?
I'm your husband, not your bloody batman,
you know. There is such a word as ''please''.
Poor Rupert Bear, he's all upset.
Now say you're sorry, like a good little bear.
You've had your poreidge for this week.
Who sent you your lovely book?
Why do I have to answer all the questions?
I might ask you
who was onthe telephone just now.
Well, ask me, darling. I might even tell you.
You want it all ways, don't you?
I just face facts, darling.
The war's been over a long time.
Nothing's rationed any more.
There's plenty to go round.
I had a bloody good war.
Yes. Perhaps you ought to go off
somewhere and find yourself another one.
You never know, you might get
a mention in my dispatches again.
- You're in.
- Good evening, Mrs Boyle.
I've been waiting for youto come in.
You've had callers. Two gentlemen.
Oh? Who was it? Didthey say?
No. Never left no name.
Oh, I expect they'll call again.
Yes. They said they'd be back.
Probably something in connection
with the magazine.
Didn't look like no church magazine
to me, Father.
Looked more like the police...Father.
I expect it will sort itself out.
Most grateful, Mrs Boyle.
- Redcliffe Gardens.
- Thank you, sir.
- Don't tip him. I took care ofit.
- Youtook care ofme, too.
I'll call you, baby.
Martin? Darling, is that you?
Who were you expecting?
Where did this come from?
I don't know, darling.
I haven't opened it, have I?
That must have killed you.
I'll get you some breakfast.
No. I had breakfast.
Well, don't just stand there.
If you've got something to say, say it.
You phoned the Paradise, right?
And they said I'd left.
Well, I went to a party, avery dull party.
I think I'm getting my job back so you'd better
dust off the piano and I'll start practising again.
That satisty you?
I didn't say anything, did I?
No, you're improving.
Darling, don't be too awful to me.
It's only because I love you so much.
Well, I'll be especially nice to you this
aftemoon, let you buy me a present.
We'll have dinner together?
Yeah, we'll have dinnertogether.
It's not from your wife, is it?
Hi. Nice-looking job.
- Just running her in.
- Which one?
It's not ostentatious, is it?
No, no. Not for you. No.
- What's that one's gimmick?
- Oh, the little er...? She sings.
She's a singer.
Just made herfirst recording.
On extended play, no doubt.
Well, what's your other problem, Dad?
No problem.
Just got a little job for you.
The same as last time.
Well, I don't know. I did it once to
help you out, but it's taking quite a risk.
I could up the ante a bit, maybe.
Another five?
Don't rupture yourself, will you?
I might be interested in25.
Do me a favour.
That's a favour.
- Hurts, don't it?
It's in the boot.
- How do you want it fixed this time?
- Just lengthen the odds a bit, like 110 to 1.
- With a 10% jackpot.
- Are you sure that's enough?
- Don't they evertwig it?
- No, they love punishment.
People are greedy, didn't you know?
Have it ready for tonight.
I'll er... I'll take that phone number
when you're ready for a trade-in, you know.
You couldn't even afford the down payment.
OK. That's it.
Go take a rubdown, huh?
Mr Stevens!
I told you not to come here.
Yeah, well, "necessity knows no manners'',
as they say.
Well, I've got nothing for you. I told you last
time that's the lot. Things have been very slack.
Yeah, I know. It's the same for everybody.
One gets through it so quickly,
especially if one has a hobby.
I mean, they say girls
are expensive enough, but...
Well, it takes all sorts to make a world.
- When can I expect something, then?
- I haven't got the money.
End of next week, shall we say?
Don't leave it any later.
We want to keep everything nice and friendly.
I'll look in again, then.
I'll send it to you, ifI get any.
No, no.
I prefer the personal touch. I'll call in.
You'll get it. Don't worry.
I've got every confidence in you.
What's the matter with you?
Do you want to catch cold? Get a blanket on.
- What's this like, then? Any good?
- No idea. I haven't started it yet.
The last one you lent me wasn't much.
Nothing happened, did it?
I mean, I didn't understand half of it.
What were them two blokes up to,then?
I mean, ifyou've got to read a book,
I like them others,
you know, plenty of thrills andthat inthem.
Well,there are...
thrills and theills.
It's on the table.
Let me see
those X-ray plates again, Nurse.
- Nurse!
- I'm sorry, Doctor.
- The plates.
- Yes.
Concentrate, Nurse.
- You're new here, aren't you?
- Yes, sir.
At St Matthew's
we never let emotion get the upper hand.
There's the patch. There.
It's spreading, too.
Frank, are youthere?
Oh,you are.
Look at him, lapping it up.
What's happening tonight, Daddy?
What's happening onthere?
Is the little girl still inthe iron lung, is she?
Yes, and they're all dying.
He loves it.
Have some gravy.
The doctor came today.
He thought Daddy was looking wondertul,
says he can go on for years,
the way he's looked after.
Of course, he said he'd never have lasted
as long as he has, if he'd been put away.
You're a miracle, Mrs Weaver, a miracle.
Very nice to talk to, the doctor was.
Well, I said, ''Frank wouldn't think of having
Daddy put into a home, after all he's done for us,
giving us the business and all that."
Oh, he looked at my veins today. He said
I'll never get any better till I get off my feet more.
There was something I wanted to tellyou.
Yes, Mr Wilson at the garage,
his son,you know, the young one,
Raymond was his name, no, that's not his name,
the other one what was married know,
married to the girl that used to do my hair.
You remember?
They said the baby wasn't his.
Well, according to...
come on, chaps,
we haven't got any time to lose...
Co-operative party? This way, please.
Do I say ''thank you''to anybody?
No host?
- Well.
- The liquor's genuine, anyway.
I know you, don't l?
I don't think so.
- Are you a member of the Paradise Club?
- The what club?
- Paradise.
- Not to my knowledge.
Spelt my name right, anyway.
Found yours yet?
- Yes.
- We may as well swap cards, save intros.
I think I'll er...
You're not leaving already, I hope?
You'll miss a rather good lunch.
Just the hat andthe umbrella, please.
Well, good morning, gentlemen.
You've all found out
where you're sitting, I take it?
Shall we?
Overthere, Rupert.
That's right.
One absentee, I see.
Well, we won't wait. I chose the menu
with rather more than usual care.
It'd be a pity to spoil it for one defaulter.
What's that?
Oh, good man, you've found some. Excellent.
Er, did you have any trouble parking?
I er...
I didn't come by car.
Very sensible.
This is good, absolutely at peak.
Well, don't you agree?
I don't deink.
Oh, no, of course not. I forgot.
Well, do start, gentlemen.
Good God Almighty!
This is the right place,
the Co-operative whatnot thing?
Yes. Do come in.
We were just about to begin without you.
Oh, I took the wrong turning,
not for the first time.
I found myself in a room full of trade unionists
cooking up the next wage claim.
All Tories, of course.
Didn't take to me, at all.
Ah,that's better. What is it?
Fair enough.
The '52's all gone, I suppose?
Enjoy your meal, gentlemen.
You know the old saying,
''If a rich man, eat when you will,
if a poor man...
..when you can."
See we're not disturbed.
Leave it to me, sir.
Well, now, gentlemen, I think the first thing
for me to do is to establish my good faith.
You'll find these contain
the missing halves ofthe 5 notes.
Captain Porthill.
Captain Mycroft.
Lieutenant Lexy.
Major Rutland-Smith.
Captain Weaver.
Captain Stevens.
Major Race.
Don't bother to thank me, gentlemen.
Purely a business transaction.
Be a bit difficult to thank you,
anyway, old darling...
..since I don't know your name.
Didn't I sign the letters?
How very careful of me.
Well, I've no objections now, I don't think.
My name's Hyde, JGN Hyde.
What's the J stand for?
Well, that's a thought, isn't it?
Mr Hyde... Corporal? Sergeant?
Let's just leave it that I outrank you.
The book, gentlemen,
I'd like your opinions on it.
You've all read it, I take it?
I'm afraid I didn't, old darling.
Any particular reason why not, Major?
I never read books from strange men.
Well, then, avery beief precis
for the Major's benefit.
An American thriller with the germ
of a good, almost brilliant, idea,
about a group of single-minded men who plan
and execute a particularly daeing bank robbery.
Now, any criticisms
as to the way the robbery was organised?
You're asking me?
Well, I thought it was quite original.
- That's all?
- Yes, that's all.
Er... I think I agree with him.
I'd like to read it again.
I see.
Oh, I... I enjoyed it.
A bit far-fetched, perhaps.
You couldn't see it happening in real life?
Oh, I...
I wouldn't go as far as that.
Life's always surprising me.
But didn't it excite any of you?
Well, I was held by it, yes.
Nothing more?
I mean, weren't you actually excited?
No, I can't say I was.
I prefer more subtle things, really.
But didn't it give any of you any ideas?
It gave me a headache. I read it in bed.
Yes, but what about the basic idea,
the way the robbery was conceived,
like atextbook military campaign?
Didn't that fire your imaginations?
Apparently not, old darling.
Well, you disappoint me, gentlemen.
I expected more of you.
I felt sure, that at the very least...
..the idea ofmaking easy money
would appeal to all of you.
What makes you so sure ofthat?
Oh, come now.
You're all crooks, aren't you?
Well, one kind or another.
Wouldn't you agree withthat, Padre?
I'm not staying here to be insulted.
Oh, I would, if I were you.
After all, we're all men ofthe world.
So, an officer who was cashiered
for gross indecency in a public place...
The Botanical Gardens,
Tunbridge Wells, wasn't it?
You needn't feel squeamish.
And then, of course,
you took to the old dog-collar racket.
What denomination are you at the moment?
Church of England?
Oh, no, no. No, that stopped at Bristol,
didn't it, at the assizes?
I felt the judge went a bit far, myself.
Still, you're here
and I'm sure you're going to stay.
You seem amused, Mr Lexy.
Is it a joke we can all share?
Well, youtell me.
Well, I can't tell you the same joke, I'm afraid,
but try this one. It has a certain charm.
Berlin, 1945.
Lieutenant Edward Lexy,
Royal Corps Of Signals.
Kicked out for giving information
to the Russians.
The joke being
that you did it for money, as always,
not principles.
Not funny?
A bit nearthe knuckle, perhaps?
Depends whose finger's on the trigger,
doesn't it, Captain Porthill?
Yours was in Cyprus, when you were cashiered
for shooting EOKA suspects.
He's still using those nimble fingers, though,
playing the piano in cheap nightclubs
and extracting pocket money from middle-aged
ladies for services courageously rendered.
Race, ex-Major Race,
with his customary foresight in these matters,
which did him -
and at the same time kept him from - justice,
resigned his commission,
just before aflourishing black-market eing
was uncovered in post-war Hamburg.
A decent gesture, though.
For the sake of the regiment and all that.
Breeding will tell,you know.
Feiend Stevens.
One-time Fascist back-room boy,
''Mosley speaks''and all that.
Saw the light just intime
and was made an officer and a gentleman.
Unfortunately, he couldn't quite
behave like one.
The Sunday newspapers had a field day.
There's nothing the Beitish public likes
betterthan catching the odd men out.
Captain Weaver.
A sad case, but not demanding
too much sympathy forthe Captain.
Save yourtears for the men who died
as a result of his gross negligence.
Four, weren't there?
Members of a bomb-disposal squad,
acting under Captain Weaver's orders,
while he was acting under the influence.
And, of course, gallant Major
Hyphenated Smith, we mustn't forget you.
You always wanted to die with your boots clean,
didn't you, Rupert? Marriage changed all that.
His wife's money bought him out, after she'd
settled some embarrassing mess bills.
However, gratitude, as Nurse Cavell
omitted to add, is not enough.
And where do I fit in?
Well, I'm ashamed to say
that I have the advantage over you, gentlemen.
My ceiminal career is just about to blossom.
You'll find nothing on me, not a blemish.
I served my country well as a regular soldier
and was suitably rewarded after 25 years
by being declared redundant.
Now, don't let's kid ourselves any longer.
This was not intended to be
a "book of the month club" lunch.
I've brought you all together
because I have a certain propositionto make.
Now, what do we all have in common,
apart from an urgent need for funds?
We were all trained at great public expense
to do certainthings with the utmost efficiency,
such as how to kill a man with the minimum
of effort and other minor arts and crafts,
which, while frowned upon in peacetime,
are acclaimed intimes of war.
Well, I've got a social conscience
and I think it's a crying shame
for so much public money to be wasted.
I intendto put it
to some practical peacetime use.
Now, then, the main character in this book
knew just where to lay his hands onthe
various experts to do the jobs he wanted.
Well, you are my experts.
You were all specialists in your own fields.
and, with your cooperation...
..I intendto rob a bank, myself.
And the pay, gentlemen?
100,000 each.
That's $280,000,
1,100,000 Deutschmarks,
over 100 millionfrancs, if any of you are
thinking of emigrating, and it could be more.
How do you know?
Have you counted it already?
How do I know?
How did I arrive at all of you?
Because I make sure of all my facts
before I move.
I've put in a good deal
of time and money onthis project.
I'm giving you the benefit of both.
And which bank have you in mind?
That's resteicted at the moment.
And this, gentlemen, is as far
as I'm prepared to go for the time being.
Think it over carefully.
I hope no-one will try to be clever.
Such a waste of time.
I shall deny everything
and a year's work will go for nothing.
It could be a year well spent for all of us.
How do we contact you?
I'll do the contacting. I'll let you know
when and where we meet again.
Same terms?
But of course, Mr Lexy.
Do drink up while it lasts. Everything's
paid for. The room's yours till four.
Good aftemoon, gentlemen.
It's been a pleasure.
Speaking purely personally, old darlings,
I thought that was a bloody good lunch.
I do hope he hasn't
the National Provincial in mind.
They're being awfully decent to me
at the moment.
You want to get those potholes filled in,
old darling, bloody near ruined my speings.
I had them dug especially for you.
Sorry if I went round the houses
this afternoon. Very boring for you.
- Why, was it as obvious as all that?
- I wouldn't say ''obvious'', exactly.
Well, I'm not very good at it, probably because
I'm usually the one who's followed.
Never mind.
You gave me a certain academic thrill.
It was a 7-1 shot,
but my money was on youfrom the start.
Er,you'd like a deink, I take it,
before you go back to the YMCA?
Thank you very much.
The butler's night off?
I live alone.
A bad habit to live alone, old darling,
gives one a complex.
You were in the catering corps, I see.
- What's that?
- You're not exactly Mrs Beeton, old darling.
One can't be bothered cooking for oneself.
I have a good cleanup about once a month.
Yes. The point is its home.
Do you mind?
I'm quite good at this.
It's the way I was brought up.
Mummy thought the world ofme.
Er, soap flakes?
Don't think you have to.
Believe it or not,
this was the one chore I missed in the army.
What rank did they kick you out with,
by the way?
I made half colonel.
I gather you don't intend to exactly fade away?
Let me...tell you about me,though.
Yes. Do.
I'm careful, came through the shooting
match without a scratch.
Oh, blokes queued
to stand beside me at Dunkirk.
Not luck. Ijust took care.
Rule one: ''Ask first, be a hero later".
Why should you want to lead me to the
biggest amount of loot I've ever heard of?
You're one of the experts I need.
To be successful, an army has to be mobile.
That means a goodtransport officer.
You used to be as good as they come.
- This has still got egg on it.
- I'm so sorry.
- And what about the others?
- I'm glad you asked me that.
- What did youthink ofthem?
- Well, not nature's noblemen.
No, but as a team, all hand-selected.
I wasn't exactly idle
during my last few months at the War Office.
You'd be surprised what a little research
inthe files brought to the surface.
No, not surprised. You came floating up.
I got everything I wanted.
Weaver, a genius with explosives.
Lexy, the radio king.
Mycroft, absolutely first-class quartermaster.
And the other three?
Good trained soldiers, ruthless if need be.
And what's your speciality?
I synchronise the watches.
And go overthe top first?
I shall be there onthe day.
Well, remember rule two, old darling.
"Never get ahead of the mob.''
They're liable to shoot you inthe arse.
You need someone to protect your interests.
Yes, that had occurred to me, too,
but before you suggest yourself for the job,
I ought to mention one thing.
Everybody gets the same share.
Well, roughly, anyway.
No. I intend to get away with this
andthe one sure way to disaster
is for somebody to get greedy.
So it's equal shares for all.
- Including you?
- Of course.
Do you still want to be considered?
Well, you haven't yet told me
how you hope to get away with it.
That comes later,
when we've reached an agreement.
As you say, one has to proceed carefully.
I was at Dunkirk, too.
Yes, but I bet you didn't get away
onthe first boat, like me.
Of course,there's always the possibility,
ugly though it may sound, that erm...
I might spill the beans,
if we don't come to an agreement.
- And you said you weren't nasty.
- Oh, I'm not.
It's just the way my mind works,
in vicious circles.
Yes, but you're not the informer type.
I'm sure that we can find
a mutually-acceptable solution.
Let's have somethingto eat
and we'll talk about it.
What? Two meals in one day?
You're spoiling me.
All my men loved me.
In theory, I like it.
It has a certain old-world charm,
but it'll never work.
- Why not?
- You can't pull a stunt like that in this country.
- I know they get away with it inthe States.
- The first ones to try it here will get away with it.
Think of it as a full-scale military operation.
What chance
has a bunch of ordinary civilians got
against a trained, armed
and disciplined military unit?
You were a soldier, man.
You ought to know.
You know, we really are
a marvellous nation, aren't we?
In any crisis, we always produce the eight man
forthe job, even though it's the wrong job.
All right.
I'm sold.
I'll sign on for the duration.
On my terms, equal shares for all?
Well, if you insist
onthis socialistic nonsense, yes.
You're losing a friend,
but gaining a second-in-command.
I'll settle forthat.
Oh, let's leave the dishes.
Do you want to stay the night?
- Why not?
- Well, move in now, if it comes to that.
- Fine.
- Did you bring any gear with you?
Yes. Always prepared. You'd be surprised
where my caravan has rested.
Well, I'lljust pop out to the car, old darling.
Do you mind not using
that sickening expression?
- What's that?
- Call me ''Hyde'', ''Norman''or''Colonel'',
but for heaven's sake,
drop that ''old darling''.
All right, old dear.
Sorry, Colonel.
One gets into terrible habits at the YMCA.
- Is that your wife?
- Yes.
- Is she dead?
- No, no.
I regret to say the bitch is still going strong.
Very smart.
- I shall miss the old Rolls,though.
- Yes, so will I, but she didn't fit the part.
Well, we mustn't keep them waiting.
- The Cafe Royal again?
- Not this time. We're at war now.
Robert was dancing principal and I was...
Can I help you?
We've got this room until three.
Isn't this Babes In The Wood?
No. We're rehearsing Journey's End.
- So sorry.
- Well, where do we go?
I haven't the faintest idea.
Sort that out withthe secretary.
Only asking. Some people!
Shall we start with the second act?
I'm sorry about that.
Well, now, gentlemen,
ifyou will all look at page 20.
Let me say how delighted I am
to see you all again, gentlemen.
Your presence here restores my basic disbelief
in the goodness of human nature.
So, I think, perhaps the time has come
to dispel any further doubts that you may have.
The Babes ln The Wood permitting.
Absolutely priceless!
- Fabulous! Don't youthink it's a great idea?
- I have to admit it is.
- What a concept!
- You think it's got a chance?
You're bloody marvellous. Can't miss.
- By Jove,yes. Be like the old days.
- What do youthink?
Yeah. Give it a try.
Are you ready to vote on it?
How about you, Padre?
Yes, I feel a certain calling towards it.
- Me,too.
- I'm for it.
Well, thank you for your support, gentlemen.
Now, our immediate plan is as follows.
After dismissal here,
I suggest we disperse
and you take tenderfarewells
of your nearest and dearest
and then report to this address
at 18.00 hours tomorrow
and come prepared for a long stay.
Decent accommodation, of course, sir,
as befits officers and...gentlemen?
Well, the food will be good
and the prospects...
Of course it's not goodbye, darling.
I mean, after all, we've er...
only just been introduced.
It's just that...
I'm onto a good thing.
It's a big opportunity for me...
..which I hope you will share.
Have this one on the house.
I'm just passingthrough myself.
Well, it's good to see you all on parade.
Now, ifyou'll follow me, gentlemen,
I'll show youto your quarters.
Some of you will have to double up,
I'm afraid,
but we must all make saceifices
at times like these.
By the way,
I want to appoint two admin officers.
Captain Mycroft,
I propose making you quartermaster.
Thank you, sir.
And we shall have to have an adjutant.
Major Race is the senior man.
Will you accept, Race?
Well, if you insist.
Right, gentlemen.
Weaver and Porthill in here.
Keep an eye on him, Porthill.
Don't let him sneak any liquor in.
Excuse me.
Mycroft and Rutland-Smith in here.
No noise at night, now,
while Mycroft is saying his prayers.
Mr Lexy,you're along here.
Good. On my own, eh?
No. With Stevens.
Major Race, you're through there.
Thank you. I feel at home already.
Like being back at school, huh?
I sincerely hope not.
Can I have you all
out here again, please?
There are just one ortwo other things.
The usual offices are down there to the eight.
I've posted vaeious duty rosters
for fatigues, etcetera,
and I should like them strictly observed.
You will make your own beds
and be responsible for your own laundry.
And no women in the rooms
after ten, I presume?
Or before.
Now, as regards discipline, where they apply,
Queen's Regulations will be enforced.
Any minor breaches will be punished by a fine
of 100 to be deducted from the final payout,
major or repeated offences by a fine of 500.
Well, I think that's all,
forthe time being, gentlemen.
Dinner is at 20.00 hours,
followed by our first lecture in the basement.
Could you spare a moment, Major?
- I hope you're going to hold church...
- ''Operation Golden Fleece''I like that.
Cookhouse duties andfatigues?
I don't care for that.
- You and I are washing up tonight.
- Delightful.
- I'm cooking lunch tomorrow.
- I wonder what time lights are out inthe dorm.
I don't know about you lot,
but I'm going to keep my lights on all night.
You may smoke if you wish, gentlemen.
We are gathered here to discuss
phase one of the operation.
Now, I don't have to tell you
that, as a general rule, banks take
very good care of people's money.
They are not goingto give it to us,
so we shall have to take it.
But to take it, we shall need arms
and the sort of arms we need
are not sold over the counter.
However, I have every confidence that whatever
we require will be supplied by our late employer.
Do you mean the army, sir?
First slide, please, Major.
Certainly, Colonel.
I'm so sorry.
That comes in the second lecture,
How To Live Off The Countryside.
Now, that's better.
Gentlemen, you're now looking at
our source of supply,
the Army Command Training Centre
at Mulverton in Dorset,
to which we will shortly be paying
a surprise visit.
By the way,just one other little detail.
When we leave our card, we shall have
to provide the authorities with a scapegoat.
Inthis case, I'm relying on
the British character.
We British will always give the Germans, the
Russians, the Japanese or even the Egyptians
the benefit ofthe doubt,
but never the Irish.
So, throughout this exercise,
If we use our accents judiciously,
the IRA will get the credit...and the blame.
Have a fag, sir.
Don't let the other ranks see you're nervous.
Cut it out, Martin.
51st Training.
Yeah. Who, sir?
Area Command?
I've got the G2 on the line
for your commanding officer.
Is something wrong with your line?
The old man's out, ain't he?
Yes. He's gone shopping with his missus.
- I've got a callfor him.
- Well, put it through to the adjutant, clot!
Just trying to find him, sir.
- Well, hurry it up!
- Bighead!
Hello. Captain Saunders?
- Hello.
- I've got the G2 on the line, sir.
- Who, man? Speak up.
- The G2, sir.
Oh, I'd bettertake it.
Putting youthrough, sir.
Whom am I speaking to?
Captain Saunders? I wanted
your commanding officer, my dearfellow.
Not there? Oh, that's most unfortunate.
I've got a bit of bad news for you,
I'm afraid.
Yes, the new Area Commander's
on his way down for a surprise visit.
Someone's been complaining
about the food.
Complained about the food?
Well, no, no, I don't.
Well, how do you think
I ought to handle it, sir?
Well, with kid gloves, if you want my tip.
He's a ball of fire.
Well, put on some sort of a show.
The best I can do, I'm afraid.
Yes, well, sorry I couldn't give
you longer notice.
Thank you, sir.
We're very grateful to you, sir.
Thank you. Goodbye.
Wilkins, get my stuff, hat, belt, everything,
then get Mr Thomas and Mr...
No, forget that. I'll do that.
Just get the stuff. Go on!
Yes, sir.
Hello. Get me the Orderly Room.
Get me the Orderly Room!
Lieutenant commanders report to...
There's a flap on. The Area Commander's on
his way here. Been a complaint about the food.
- We've got to get things organised.
- Leave it to me, sir.
Go with him. Full guard tumout.
Don't stand there. The switchboard.
Locate the old man.
- What have you got for the men's tea?
- Fried eggs, baked beans, chips,toast, tapioca.
- Can you change it?
- Not now, sir. lt's all cooked.
Rustle up some soup
and give every mantwo eggs.
- Any tinned fruit?
- In the officers' mess, sir.
Well, grab it. Put that on, too.
Two eggs? Balloon gone up or summat?
A diabolical dead liberty, I tell you.
- Still, tinned fruit, eh?
- That'll make all the difference.
The bleeding stuff's been here
since the Boer War.
What's the matter with your webbing, Alpers?
You're on a fizzer inthe morning!
- Get me 428.
- I can't, sir.
- Can't?
- I can't get a line, sir.
- Get the exchange, then.
- I can't get anything.
Chunky, come on, all outside.
Get moving!
- Get stuffed.
- Get what?
Get off that bed, get outside in your best
battledress and boots and jump to it!
- Get up!
- Sir.
Everything under control, sir.
- We hope.
- If I might make a suggestion, sir?
An early adjournment to the mess
and the old liberal hospitality?
Don't you worry. That's top of my list.
Right. Cigarettes out.
Just enjoy it from here on.
Don't forget. We carry the rank.
Correction. I carry the rank.
After me.
- They're coming!
- Don't go mad. It's not the relief of Ladysmith.
All right, Alpers.
Wait for it. As you were.
Guard! Turn out!
General salute.
- Good aftemoon, Captain...?
- Saunders, sir.
Christie is my name.
Colonel Wylie. Major Williams.
I'm very sorry Colonel Langton
isn't here to greet you, sir. He erm...
He was called away
to a civil-defence meeting, sir.
Would you care to inspect the guard, sir?
Guard present and ready
for your inspection, sir!
Thank you.
- Yes. Pretty fair turnout.
- Thank you, sir.
- I suppose you know what this is all about.
- No, sir, I don't.
You surprise me, Saunders.
I thought the grapevine was infallible.
Nothing stirs up the War Office like a question
in the House. Some Bolshie exercising his right.
- Who is he? Any idea?
- I'm afraid I don't quite follow, sir.
Some barrack-room lawyer wrote to his MP.
The menu wasn't up to his liking
or some such cock, so it fell on my neck.
Would you care for a little refreshment, first, sir?.
I'm sure you need it after that long drive.
No. Let's get on with it. I don't want you
tarting up the cookhouse before I've seen it.
Right, Weaver.
Yeah. They go right in.
You, er, haven't got a ladder
we can borrow, have you?
- Ladder?
- Yeah. There's a fault on one of your lines.
We'll have to check your junction box.
- Haven't you got a ladder of your own?
- Yeah.
In the truck about half a mile down.
Come on. We won't hurt it.
Better ask inthe Guard Room.
Sorry to trouble you.
Phone trouble in the area.
Have you come about this fault?
Blimey! We haven't reported it yet.
- Have you got one, too?
- All the lines are dead.
Hearthat? They've got a fault here, too.
What do you think?
Shall we leave the other one?
Well, we'll have to. This is a priority.
You haven't got a ladder?
Yes. Out the back.
Go and get it.
It's probably inthem woods over there.
Allthat rain last night, lines down everywhere.
- Shall we take a look?
- May as well. Thanks.
Well, keep out ofthe way.
We've got some top brass visiting.
It don't worry us, mate. We done our bit.
Mess hall, 'shun!
Right. Carry on.
We try to vary the food, sir,
as much as possible.
Party, 'shun!
- Staff Sergeant Hall, sir.
- At ease.
Let me see your menu cards for the week.
Yes, sir.
Cook, try to get one of those on a plate.
Sample that, Philip.
- Fork.
- Fork.
What's this supposedto be?
Well, it's erm...
It's a sort of a...
Well, it's a kind of
avegetable soup, I think, sir.
Yourturn, Peter.
- Spoon.
- Spoon.
Mess hall, 'shun!
No. Carry on eating.
Any erm...complaints here?
Come along, now.
Answer the Beigadier.
No, sir.
You're quite satisfied withthe food?
You can speak quite freely., no, sir.
Not always, sir.
What exactly don't you like about it?
Well, they sometimes give you good grub,
sir, but...they mess it about, like.
How do you mean, ''mess it about''?
Well, take Sunday, sir.
I mean, we had a fair whack of the old roast
and that and gravy and stuff, but...
Well, they messed it about, like.
- Specifically?
- I beg your pardon, sir?
What didthey do to it?
Well, I mean, I'm not a cook, am I?
I mean, I only go by what I taste, like.
Well, it didn't taste right, see?
It sort of tasted like they'd...
messed it about, like.
What's this man's name?
- Grogan, sir.
- Grogan, sir.
That's all, is it?
That was only last Sunday, sir.
What about today's meal?
Oh, well, er...
Very fair, know, if you like eggs.
I mean, they're not great favoueites of mine,
but you've got to eat them
to sort of keep your strength up, like.
Well done.
Well, he bleeding asked me,
didn't he? Well!
Good afternoon, sir. Having trouble?
- All clear?
- I'm not sure.
Something stuck in the feed pipe, I reckon.
Oh,yes. Well, it's very kind
of youto stop, anyway.
Not at all, sir. It's a pleasure.
Ever thought of becoming a member, sir?
Oh, I don't think so.
I belongto too many things already.
We've got to get back. Give him another minute,
then do what's necessary. Come on.
- I shall have to send in a full report.
- Yes, sir.
- Would you care to come to the mess?
- Haven't time to be social.
A bore for all ofus, these things.
Give my regards to Colonel Langton.
- Sorry to have missed him.
- He'll be sorry, too, sir.
Can you see them?
Just coming up now, sir.
Right. Let's go.
There, sir.
Ought to be OK now.
- Well, thank you very much.
- Not at all.
We didn't find anything, so we'll report it again
when we get back and they'll be downfirst thing.
- Thanks forthe ladder, anyway.
- Goodbye, Sergeant.
Alpers! What's this bleeding ladder
doing here?
Down, quick!
Any complaints?
- No, sir!
- Right. Carry on smoking.
Well, you've got to hand it to the dear Colonel.
They bought it,just like he said.
Yes. Er, nothing in the ''stop press''?
No. Just 'Vicar on grave charge.''
I thought you took a longtime
over the shopping, Padre.
I think that's really in rather poortaste.
Oh, la-di-bloody-da!
Well, shut up, anyway.
We're all a bit touchy,
tonight, aren't we?
Small wonder afterthe meal
you just cooked.
Well, it's yourturn tomorrow.
You didn't take offence, did you, Padre?
I've been meaning to ask you, I've always been
interested in this religious...aspect.
Those sort of get-togethers, like Billy Graham,
have you ever beento one?
Yes, as a matter of fact, I have.
Really? That's very interesting.
I mean, you went forward
andthat, got the call?
Oh, yes.
I always went forward.
Thank you. I've read it.
Any complaints, gentlemen?
No, sir. I must say, I take my hat off
to you. Congratulations.
Thank you, Rupert.
Thank you, gentlemen.
Well, that's the end of phase one.
Now for phase two.
We are going into the removal business.
I have the premises, but not the vehicles,
but I'm sure the adjutant will take care
of that small detail before the night is out.
Well, it's time we got the show onthe road,too.
There's a lot to be done tonight.
The night watchman will be out any moment
now, to get a drink before the pub closes.
What's your game?
Sorry, mate. Looking for
the same thing, myself.
Get lost.
Don't you believe in lights?
- I beg your pardon?
- Lights.
Yes. I'm so sorry, officer.
Well, vehicles come out of there,you know.
- Yes. I'm so sorry.
- Well, watch it next time.
This is the view of the bank that you will
see three weeks from today, gentlemen.
Just before the armoured car arrives,
a commissionaire
opens the side entrance to the bank.
The armoured car always areives at 10:55.
As soon as it stops, one guard gets out
ofthe cabin and goes to the rear of the vehicle.
At a signal from him, the door is openedfrom
the inside and he's joined by two other guards.
All these three men are armed.
The money you see being handled so calmly
often amounts to over a million pounds.
It doesn't seem possible. I would have thought
a million would look much more than that.
I assure you it is.
Each of those boxes
contains 50,000 in used notes.
Take a good look, gentlemen,
because it's all there.
Operation Golden Fleece.
This is the battlefield
on which we shall fight
and here, I promise you,
we shall enjoy our finest hour.
What price glory?
100,000 each, tax free.
You won't have to sign
a single form for it.
You won't even have to salute.
The entire operation
takes exactly three minutes.
The money is now being wheeled
into the side entrance of the bank
and the armoured car leaves.
We wait until it tums this corner.
At that point, we go into action.
The money is now being wheeled down
this coreidorto the lift and thento the vaults.
- A question?
- Yes, sir.
I must be a bit confused, I'm sorry, but why
do we wait till the money is inside the bank?
Because to try to take it outside
would be fatal, as well as messy.
The deiver of the armoured car
is completely sealed in, safe from attack
and in constant touch
with both the police and his own company.
What do you do about the alarm system there?
I do nothing. I leave that to you.
Actually,there are two alarm systems
in the bank,
one to their security company
and one to the nearest police station.
There are at least a dozen
''push''buttons inthe building.
If one of them is pressed, signals go out,
steel shutters come down and block every exit
and, at the same time,
an alarm starts ringing onthe roof.
- And what do I do about that?
- You will prevent it from happening.
As our explosives expert,
you will manufcture bombs
which, when dropped into this manhole
here and this one here,
will knock out the telephone
and electeicity systems ofthe entire area.
Meanwhile, Mr Lexy, our radio expert,
will be jamming all police broadcasts
over a radius, I hope, of at least two miles.
At the same time, Major Rutland-Smith will
provide a noxious and blinding smoke screen.
This will not affect us,
because we shall be weaeing gas masks
so generously provided by the army.
Thus, when we move in...
..we move against a target
that is both surprised and defenceless.
He's a nutcase. No getting away from it,
he'll end up with a knighthood.
Come on!
Come on. Get a spurt on.
I want this place cleared by 12.
Good morning, officer. Can I help you?
Good moming, sir.
I didn't know this place was being used again.
I've just taken it on temporaeily,
until my permanent premises are ready.
I'll keep an eye on it,
now I know you're here.
I wish you would. That's very kind of you.
Just routine, sir.
- Good day.
- Good day, officer.
Could he have seen anything?
Well, there she is.
How's that for service?
Where did you get it?
Harrods. Charged to your account.
- You stole it in broad daylight?
- If you want to put it that crudely,yes.
You bloody idiot!
We had a policeman here not two minutes ago.
- So?
- So what ifhe saw you and took the number?.
Well, no-one knows the car's been stolen yet,
so why bother about the number?
I gave explicit orders the job was not
to be attempted until after dark.
All right. Well, court-martial me,
old darling.
Thank you. That'll cost you 100.
Well, make it 500. I'm easy.
I'm in charge of transport, eight?
Well, I decided it was better to have this car
here today. We may have to do some work on it.
- What sort of work?
- I don't know till I look.
Or would you rather find out onthe day?
I'll accept the fact that your motives were good,
but that's the last time you disobey orders.
We can't affordto waste all the work we're doing
just because one man wants to be a hero.
I've nothing against heroes,
except they crook it for other people.
I'm terribly sorry.
Get it under cover.
Stevens, get it in.
Padre, get some numberplates made up.
Peivate car. London area. 1960.
Well done, Padre.
Well, gentlemen, that, more or less, wraps it up.
The adjutant would like one word with you.
Yes. Drivers, report to me afterthis briefing
that all petrol tanks and spare jerry cans are full
and that oil levels
and tyre pressures are correct.
Then I'll carry out a final engine inspection.
That's all, Colonel.
Yes, quartermaster?
Just about the leave arrangements, sir.
You asked me to mentionthe suitcases.
Oh, yes, yes.
The quartermaster has provided
an extra suitcase apiece, to allow for your...
..excess baggage after the operation.
You've all read the movement order
for tomorrow night?
I've laid on a little celebration.
It'll be our last get-together, as I don't
anticipate any future regimental reunions.
Throughout the evening,
all officers, as per the movement order,
will be going off
on a well-earned leave to sunnier climes.
Oh, yes, Rupert?
I'm so sorry. I quite forgot. Please.
The latest Air Ministry weatherforecast
for tomorrow, Friday 18th.
Most of England cloudy, with occasional rain
or showers with some beight peeiods.
Further outlook very promising.
Thank you, Rupert.
You readthat very nicely.
Well, gentlemen,
it just remains for me to thank youfor all your
hard work, enthusiasm and unfailing loyalty.
Everything's prepared.
We've left nothing to chance.
Our last reconnaissance photographs
reveal no changes
and I know that we shall be amply rewarded
for all our efforts.
It's all there, waiting for us
tomorrow morning.
So, relax, get a good night's sleep...
..and good luck.
- Thank you, sir.
- Good night, sir.
Well, I'm damned!
Come in.
Have a drink.
Pull up a chair.
Couldn't sleep?
It was the waiting
that always killed me in the war.
Killed everyone.
Always surprises you. lt's like love.
Every time,you think it's going to be different,
but it's always the same.
It's the sameness that surprises you.
I er... I won't ask you in,
cos Mother's waiting up.
Got it straight, now, haven't you?
Midnight tomorrow. London airport.
Drive carefully.
Mr Lexy.
Good moming, sir.
You realise this is
a gross breach of discipline?
Yes, sir. I was just trying to relax,
as per your instructions, sir.
Well, I don't know what action I shall take yet,
but, at the very least, it'll be a heavy fine.
Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
Yes, sir?
How much would you say she was worth?
I'd settle forthe full 500, sir.
Excuse me, sir. Can you give me a light?
- What's that?
- What's happened?
Do what you're told and no-one will get hurt.
Overthere, everyone.
Officials, stay where you are.
All exits will be covered forfive minutes
after we leave,
so I hope you'll all behave sensibly,
but just to impress upon you
the need for caution...
I can't see!
- What's happened?
- Underground gas main blown up, I think.
Some more? Here we are.
Think nothing ofit. I'm made of money.
Here we are. Come on, old darlings.
Have one for the road.
Don't delay them.
We must keep to schedule.
- Where are you going?
- That information is restricted.
- Well, bon voyage.
- And you, too. sir.
- I won't drop you a line.
- No. Don't.
But I'll be thinking of you.
Weaver...don't do anything too explosive.
Definitely not, sir. I'll use
a very s-s-slow fuse!
Goodbye, everybody. Have a good time.
- Goodbye. Bon voyage.
- Be good.
- Goodbye.
- Have a good time.
You know, I suddenly feel rather sad.
Fill up my glass, Padre.
Certainly, Peter.
- Poor old Padre. He's going to feel the pinch.
- Oh, really? Why?
Now you can afford to sin,
takes the edge off it.
Hot-gospel it to California
and found your own church.
Start a new movement?
You're very busy deciding everybody else's
future, Lexy. What do you intend to do?
Well, after I've settled all the outstanding
maintenance orders...
I was a fair operator without money.
Now I'm loaded,
I'll have to beat them off with clubs.
Well, you don't belongto any!
Thank you, Padre.
Well, Rupert, you're going off now?
Yes. My time has come, as they say.
Well, ''Journeys end...''
I hope the rest ofthe quotation comes true.
I doubt it.
No, I'm the exceptionto the rule.
I always make the same mistake twice.
Don't botherto see me out, sir.
I hate goodbyes.
Well, thanks for everything.
I can't tell you how much I've...
Awfully decent type that, you know.
- Old Rupert?
- One of the best.
Solid as a rock.
Well,the party seems to be dying a bit.
We can't have that.
Martin, put on another record.
- Padre, do the honours.
- Right.
Here we are. There's one over here.
Is erm... Is this all you've got, sir?
What's wrong? Nothing there?
Well, it's not exactly the hit parade.
Still, let's try this one.
The soldiers of the Queen, my lads
The Queen, my lads,
the Queen, my lads
The soldiers of the...
- I've forgotten the words.
- There's somebody at the door.
Well, don't say you've forgotten me,
you old scoundrel.
Warren. Bunny Warren.
Of course.
I was goingto say.
I haven't changed all that much, have l?
Oh, no, no.
It was just that I... couldn't...
see who it was, at first.
- Well, how are you?
- Can't complain, old son.
My God! You haven't altered a scrap, what?
I gave you a bit of a shock?
I thought it would.
Well, I finally found you in.
Now, look here. Guess what?
We're neighbours!
- Neighbours?
- Yes. I moved in last week. Wellington Avenue.
I couldn't believe it
when I got your address from the Association.
I've called before, but no reply.
No, I've...been a bit busy.
How are things, eh?
Everything tickety-snitch, what?
I thought I heard a bit of a party going on.
Just a few business friends.
Well, come and...join us.
Well,you know me.
Well, you ought to, by now.
Never say no to a party.
By golly, those were the days, eh?
What about Vienna?
- Well, come on in.
- Thanks.
Gentlemen, I'd like youto meet an old friend
of mine, Brigadier Bunny Warren.
I er...had the honour
to serve under him in30 Corps.
- What will you deink?
- Any oldtipple. Scotch?
Bunny was telling me
that he's just become a neighbour of mine.
It's bloody funny how the old water
flows under the...underthe...
I haven't seen Norman for...
How long is it, Norman?
It must be 1948.
It must be.
It must be all of that.
Tell me, what are you chaps celebrating, eh?
I don't know how you'd describe it, really.
How would you describe it, Norman?
Thanks. Cheers. Cheers, everybody.
Desceibe what?
Just wondering what the party was in aid of.
Mind you, I never needed any excuse, myself.
I say, Norman, do you remember
that Christmas in Hamburg?
That was one forthe book, eh?
That'll go down in history, that one.
If you'll excuse me,
I think I'd better be buzzing.
- Must you?
- Yes. Mustn't be too late tonight.
- Very nice to have met you.
- Yes, you, too. See you again, I hope.
Thank you once again for a lovely party.
I enjoyed every moment ofit.
- I'll get your coat.
- I'lljust say goodbye.
Goodbye, Padre.
I mean...
Goodbye, everybody. Look after yourselves.
I had something with me. What was it?
- A dog?
- No.
- A suitcase.
- So sorry.
Thank you. Good show.
Well, erm, goodbye once again.
- Well, cheerio.
- Bye-bye.
Yes, you know, that party
I was talking about, it was in Hamburg...
Hamburg? Really? Let me top you up.
That's jolly nice of you.
Hello. Dead soldier.
Seen plenty of those in my time.
How will you get eid of him?
Don't worry. I'll find a way.
I know Bunny's capacity to the last ounce.
By tomorrow morning, this will be
but a part of a monumental hangover.
Good luck.
Thank you, sir, for changing my way of life.
..Old Wilson said he was going to do
some conjueing tricks.
- Was he any good?
- That was the point. No bloody good at all.
Well, he could do the usual things,
card tricks, all that sort of stuff,
but then he announced that he was going
to attempt somethingvery elaborate.
How's your drink, Bunny?
All right at the moment.
I was just telling them about Old Wilson.
Anyway, he got someone to get him a tray
and a bottle of Steinhger.
- You remember that German gin?
- Yes.
More or less U-boat fuel.
Well, anyway, he stood in the tray
and he poured the stuff all over him.
Yes, yes. Well, that was it.
That was it.
Then... Then he set light to himself.
He went up like a rocket!
Mind you, we all pitched in.
Chaps threw water.
It's damned inflammable stuff,
that Steinhger.
Poor devil, he was at death's door
for three months.
He never tumed a hair.
Never turned a hair.
All he said was, ''Well, at least
I know that teick doesn't work.''
- Thank you.
- Norman, I think, perhaps...
Yes, Norman. Mustn't keep
the little darling...the little woman waiting.
- Must you go?
- We've both had rather a full day.
To say nothing of a full night coming up.
Hello, what's that in aid of?
Off for a dirty weekend, eh?
No,just a well-earned rest.
You speak for yourself.
I'm off for a dirty year, if I live that long.
Well, cheeeio, Bunny.
Take care of that lovely red neck.
Awfully glad you've moved in round here.
Very select little neighbourhood.
I know Norman's pleased, aren't you, Norman?
It made my day.
So long, Adj.
- Goodbye.
- See you in the headlines.
Keep up the good work, Padre.
Oh, I will.
There are very few of us left,you know.
So long, all.
Lovely party, Norman, old darling.
I'll see you out.
Did I hear you call him ''padre''?
It's just a nickname, Bunny.
He used to be a...missionary of sorts.
- Allow me.
- Thank you.
Hadn't you better answer that?
Yes, I suppose I should.
John George Norman Hyde?
This is Superintendent Wheatlock here.
Sorry. Wrong number.
It was the wrong number.
My dear fellow, I've been plagued
withthat wrong-numberthing for years.
I'll never forget
when I was in Ale...Ale...
You know, I had one of these telephones,
it went... You know,that thing that...
- You help yourself. I'll be back in a minute.
- Thank you very much.
Norman, that was the police.
- Police?
- On the telephone.
What did they want?
Well, they asked for you. I rang off.
Let's take a look around.
Youtry the back. I'll go upstairs.
How is it?
All clear. How about the front?
No dice.
Hang on a minute. I'll fetch him.
There you are, Norman.
lt wasn't a wrong number, after all.
Superintendent Whit...Whitlock to see you.
Thank you, Bunny.
- Here you are.
- What's this for?
- You misunderstood me...
- Come on.
Ifyou think I'm going without you,
you're mistaken.
Don't argue. This way,
one of us has still got a chance.
I'll stall them off as long as I can.
At any rate,you'll get a head start.
This isn't the time to do a Beau Geste.
- The telephone, it's ringing...
- Just a minute.
Peter, get the hell out of here.
That's an order.
No. The rules don't apply any more.
Major Race, I said, that's an order.
All right...Colonel.
If that's the way you want it.
Give them their money's worth at the teial,
then flog your memoirs to the Sunday papers.
There's always an angle.
That way.
Now, look here, Norman, it's none of
my business,you've got this blessed phone...
Yes, yes, all right, Bunny.
I'll answer it now.
Yes, this is Colonel Hyde speaking.
Thank you. I am aware of that.
There's just one thing I'd like to know.
Who betrayed us?
No-one betrayed you.
Just his name.
That's all I want to know.
Purely forthe record.
I'm telling you,
nobody did any betraying.
I can't accept that.
All right, for what it's worth, the name
of the person who led us to you is Miles.
I don't know anybody of that name.
Billy Miles is the eight-year-old son
of a caretaker who lives in Eastcheap,
adjoining the bank.
He collects car numbers. He happened to spot
the numberplates on the furniture van.
MOW 872.
Andthat's a Southampton registration
for private cars.
It's all very interesting,
but what is it supposed to prove?
On its own, nothing, but do you remember
a young copper at your warehouse?
Well, he was pretty green, he didn't know
as much about numberplates as the kid.
But he did know enough
to make a note of the van's number...
..and the number of your own car
standing in the yard.
That's your traitor, Colonel, your own car.
If you don't come down here within five
minutes, we shall have to come up to the house.
That won't be necessary.
I'll come to you.
Anything wrong Norman?
C...Can I help?
No, Bunny.
It's a long story...
..and you're going
to bore people to death with it.
Well, if you're ready, I'll...
walk you part ofthe way home.
Well, I... I...
I was just...arriving...
What's that... What's up, Norman?
Is the party over?
Yes, Bunny, the party's over.
The deink...
..and the luck...ran out.
It looks, Bunny, as if you
will have to make a night of it.
All present and correct, sir.
At ease, gentlemen.
Going on somewhere, are we, Norman?
Rip by ARS