The Legend of Awesomest Maximus (2010) Movie Script

The world's fate
is decided by legends,
men who are larger than life,
whose tales
of bravery and courage
don't just echo
through their time,
but through all time.
And so it was
with Awesomest Maximus.
Oops. Sorry, buddy.
Even if he was
one stupid motherfucker.
Hey, Quantus,
my main man.
How's all
this stuff looking?
Good, General.
As you can see,
the odds are heavily
in our favor.
Hm. Super.
Ready to finish
this, General.
Something is amiss.
Super. Thanks, Larry.
Just go ahead
and top her off there.
Oo-oo, when!
(chuckles) Okay.
To strength
and honor.
Yeah, and beer
and blowjobs.
Wow, meow.
(grunts repeatedly)
You know, why don't we
just go with the archers.
The cavalry
is too close,
The cavalry's fine.
- Fire.
- Fire!
(arrows hitting)
(men screaming)
Probably just
move the cavalry back
a little bit
next time,
because this...
The gods foretold
that Awesomest Maximus
would one day become
the greatest general
who ever lived.
And when your destiny
has been prophecied
by the gods,
shit, you might as well
go to the titty bar
and get fucked up.
(clears throat)
Hey, Quantas.
What's up dude?
Check this out.
(makes blubbery sound)
That's awesome,
I call it
a motor boat.
- What is a motor boat?
- A boat with a motor. Duh.
- And what is a motor?
- Beats the shit out of me.
King Looney would like
to see you, sir.
King Looney,
your father-in-law.
Your wife, the princess.
Her father,
King Looney, sir?
Oh, no.
She's fine with it!
You're barbarian strippers!
You blow yaks
for a shiny pebble.
What the--
Thanks a lot,
Captain Cockblock.
What is your deal,
anyway, dude?
Don't you like tits?
I like tits.
You hate tits.
- I love tits.
- No you don't.
Yes, I do.
(man chuckling)
Girls, leave us.
But not for too long.
These pills only last
for four hours.
King Looney, ruler over all
which he surveyed.
and crazier than
a shit house rat
with syphilis in his brain.
It's good to be king,
isn't it, Sire?
Oh, yes.
Yes, indeed.
Awesomest, you're the son
I never had.
What about Orlando?
Orlando's a pussy
and I think he likes boys.
Good point.
So how's married life?
You know Hottessa.
Once a princess,
always a princess.
Yeah, just like her mother.
I think she's worried
you might name
Orlando next in line
to be king, Your Highness.
Wouldn't he technically
be queen?
(Awesomest laughing)
That's good.
Okay, let's get with it.
I want you to join
Orlando in Greece.
What's he doing
in Greece?
I want you to help him
kiss their hairy Greek asses.
And make sure he doesn't
piss them off,
so they don't send
millions of guys
over here to enslave us
and get weird
with our women.
If I may.
I can handle
this, sir.
We don't need
to bother our
great general.
I am a great general.
- Yes you are.
- Yes I am.
- I was being sarcastic.
- You were not.
The fate of Troy
is in your hands,
Okay, Looney.
I'm on it.
Forgive me, Sire, but
Awesomest can barely
handle himself.
Are you sure he's ready
for such a mission?
I mean, he's always had
the army and myself
to cover his ass.
You forget.
When Awesomest was born
the gods said he was
destined to be a legend.
But Sire, I'm not
really sure that--
We have the greatest
army in the world.
How bad can he
fuck things up?
It was the first time
Awesomest had been sent
on an important
mission alone.
So he decided to talk it
over with his gold digging,
bitch ass wife, Hottessa.
Like she knew what the fuck.
Get your head out of your
ass and listen to me.
This is a good thing.
Daddy has never given you
this much personal
He must finally
be realizing
that Orlando
is a total homo.
And Troy can't have
a gay king.
You know what this
means, Awesomest?
If this works out,
he'll make you
King of Troy.
And that means I will
get to be the queen.
And we'll move
into the castle
and have tons
of servants,
and I get invited
to all the best parties.
Don't fuck this up!
No, I won't.
Sounds great!
Ooo, maybe you and l
should have a little--
(clicks tongue)
(whistles cuckoo tune)
We're married,
You have to
earn it first.
Fat ass bitch.
What was that?
N-nothing. I was
talking about me.
I'm-I'm fat.
I'm a fat man.
I wanna work out for you.
I wanna lose--
do yoga with you.
Hot yoga with--
I love you.
Meanwhile, the
self-proclaimed Greek god
King Erotic, the most
ruthless king in the land.
I mean, this guy was
a real prick,
and weird in a
"Don't leave him
alone with kids"
kind of way,
if you know what
I'm talking about.
Anyway, he was about
to conquer the savages
from Thessaly.
And after bringing Thessaly
under Greek rule,
he would be the man.
It is a good day
for the crows.
(King Erotic)
And I hear they love
the taste of THESS-alians.
That's what I said.
No, you were accentuating
the wrong syllable.
I'm supposed to be
at an orgy in half-an-hour.
I've pushed it back
four times already.
So I'm going to be
a very generous
god-king here, okay?
Rather than me
killing all of your men
Iet's save some lives
and some time
and whatnot
and do it
old school.
Your best fighter
versus mine.
If my guy wins,
you submit to my rule,
plain and simple.
And if my guy wins?
Then I'll leave.
You have my word.
How big was
his mama's vag?
Not big enough.
(evil laugh)
Ginormous has this effect
on many men.
Where the fuck is he?
This is embarrassing.
I mean, come on!
I'm standing here
calling him,
we're all here,
and he's not
answering me?
I'm so tired of this.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I know your time
is important.
My time is important.
He was King Erotic's
greatest warrior
and immortal among men
and kind of a pussy-lipped
bitch at the same time.
King Erotic wants
to see you.
Tell your king
I'm not going anywhere
until I'm finished
with my man-scaping.
As legend had it,
when Testiclees was born
a goddess dipped him
in a magical river
that would make him
But since she was
holding him by
his little baby balls,
Testiclees' testicles
remained vulnerable
to the sword.
(baby crying)
Your swords.
Are those stories
about you true?
That I wax my ass?
That I banged my mom
once by accident
when we were
both wasted?
What's the big deal?
We were both single.
No, not that.
This Ginormous guy.
Biggest guy I've
ever seen.
I wouldn't want
to fight him.
That's why no one's
gonna remember
your name.
I don't want to fight him
because I'm only
ten years old.
Whatever, pussy.
Yeah, well the only reason
you'll be remembered
is because you're named
after what's inside my
ball sack, jerk off.
(King Erotic)
Look who decided
to join us.
Eat me.
Why you gotta be
such a prima donna?
You know what?
I don't need this shit.
Testiclees, wait!
Look at
the men's faces.
Good lord.
(King Erotic)
You, and only you
can send them back
to their pathetic families
with one swing
of your sword.
He's such
an asshole.
You motherfucker!
(screams in agony)
Is there no one else?
Is there no one else?
Stop it, you dick.
I didn't think so.
Who are you, soldier?
The greatest warrior
that ever lived.
And the humblest, too.
After conquering
the Thessalians
King Erotic was now
an even bigger threat
to Troy.
And so Awesomest met up
with his brother-in-law
at Erotic's post
victory party
to kiss Erotic's ass,
but with no tongue,
because this silly fruitcup
would probably
like that shit.
On the behalf of myself
and my beautiful
young wife, Ellen,
we welcome you
to Greece.
Let us drink as friends!
As friends!
At least until
one of us fucks
the other over.
Oh, no. No, no, no.
I'm kidding.
It's a joke.
She gets it.
You fucker!
You fucker.
That's Erotic's wife.
I know that.
Could you be
any less subtle?
I could try.
Excuse me. Pardon me.
I'm trying to rendevous
with Ellen.
Fucking douche bag.
You shouldn't be here.
That's what you said
last night.
Last night, I was
rolling on E.
And the night before?
I think I was
pretty drunk.
Yeah, you were
pretty wasted.
I've been messed up
all week.
I know.
This is the best
spring break ever!
Oh, Orlando.
(Ellen in distance)
Oh, oh!
Oh, oh!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
This boar is fantastic!
(Ellen shrieking
in background)
You're amazing!
I would have never thought
of putting this with this.
You have a real eye
for fashion.
Oh, my God, seriously?
You think? Really?
Well, better than any man
I've ever met.
Oh, I am so messed up
right now,
but I love
hanging out with you!
Me too!
I have the best idea.
I have the best idea.
You should come back
to Troy with me.
Let's not get crazy.
I'm serious.
It would be
so much fun.
I have--
I have a huge
trust fund.
How huge?
It's pretty big.
If you come back,
it will break the peace
between Troy and Greece,
millions of men will die,
the gods'll curse us,
we'll get burned alive.
But it's been
a great week!
It has.
Plus, it'll keep my dad
from thinking that
I like guys.
What about the other day
when I caught you
watching the guard pee?
I mean, listen.
I'm definitely
Iike, going through
some sort of
experimental phase
right now?
But I like chicks.
No, I do.
I like chicks.
I-- I like chicks.
Especially chicks
with a keen sense
of style like you!
Look at that!
You're sweet.
So will you come back
with me, please?
Pretty please?
Well, it could be
kind of hot
to have a--
war fought over me,
so... count me in.
Yes! Yes!
Hello, Mr. Awesomest.
Hey, Orlando.
Greeks sure know
how to party, huh?
I love you.
Do you love me, too?
Where's this going?
I have something
to tell you,
and you need
to promise me
that you won't
be mad, okay?
So put up
your pinky
and let's do
a pinky swear.
Oh, shit.
Back to Greece!
No, Awesomest!
Please wait.
Hold on!
I am in love
with her.
Orlando, you've been
rolling on Ecstasy
for a week.
You love everybody.
That's totally true.
But this one
is for real.
Orlando, when the Greeks
find out that Ellen
has gone missing
they're going to shit.
This is how wars
get started, man.
If you take her back,
well then guess what, buddy?
I'm going back, too,
because this is the
girl that I love.
I love her and
I love you.
Okay, you're still
rolling, aren't you?
No. Yes!
Look, man. I promised
your dad and Hottessa
that I would be responsible
on this trip and keep the
peace with Greece. Okay?
And I'm pretty sure your dad
knows that I was the one
who got drunk and took
a shit in his sink, so
I can't fuck this up.
Awesomest, please.
Orlando, are you going to
let Troy get all fucked up
over some skank?
No, fuck it.
To Troy!
We're going,
we're not going.
You wanna make up
your mind, here?
Daddy? This is Ellen.
Ellen of Greece?
No, not any more.
Ellen of Troy.
(kissing sound)
I had no idea,
King Looney, I swear.
Sound the horns!
My son's banging
a chick!
(King Looney)
It's party time!
Great news!
Welcome to Troy, my dear.
Thank you, my king.
Forgive me, Sire,
but this could mean war.
Oh, fuck that.
Focus on what's important.
My son's no pole smoker.
He don't gobble no goop.
No, no sirree!
I love vagina.
Vagina, vagina, vagina.
My vagina.
Her vagina.
The bearded clam.
- The axe wound.
- Hey, the ole honey pot.
- Hey, the love box.
- The ham wallet.
- The beef curtain.
- The old fish taco.
The bear trap.
The growler.
The pair of flaps.
The tuna tunnel.
The penis place.
Come on. Let's get
you settled in, my dear.
Son, this is a triple A
piece of ass. Woo!
Meanwhile, King Erotic
prepared for war.
But he needed the help
of his top earner,
who was training
with his cousin.
Testiclees' Cousin
emulated Testiclees
in every way,
except one way.
Ow! Fucker.
Come on,
Testiclees' Cousin.
Take it like a man.
Yeah. Come on.
Testiclees's Cousin.
What do you want?
I want you to fight
the Trojans with us.
What are we fighting
for this time?
Their prince stole my wife
and dishonored Greece.
Why should I care
about your whore wife?
Because you will get
a lot of glory and people
will remember your name.
And not just because
it's named after the scrotum.
Glory, huh?
How much glory
we talking about?
Big. A lot.
Like echoing throughout
eternity type shit.
Yeah. You could have
a deli sandwich named
after you.
Shut up,
Testiclees' Cousin.
All right.
All right, I'm in.
As soon as I get
my mother's permission.
Milfia, your son
is here.
Hi, Mom.
You look really hot.
Even if she was my ma,
I'd fuck her.
So you want my opinion
on whether you should
go to fight the Trojans.
How do you
know that?
A mother knows.
If you go to Troy
and fight,
you will have glory.
But you'll die.
Yeah, I figured
as much.
But if you stay here,
we could pretend to be
just friends.
Mother and son,
And it can get
really hot,
Iike the time we
both got tanked
on New Year's.
Yeah, I'm not really
okay with that.
I think I'm gonna go.
But we're only
five years apart.
Alexander the Great's
mother was six months
younger than him.
Mom, two wrongs
don't make a right.
That depends on how wrong
you're willing to be.
I want you inside me.
I was inside you,
for nine months.
So you just fuck me
and chuck me.
You son of a bitch.
I can't believe you
screwed this up.
Me? Oh, come on.
Orlando's the one
that brought
the skank home.
Besides, your
dad's happy.
You're the only one
who's pissed.
My dad is out of his
fucking mind, Awesomest.
Now he's going to think
Orlando isn't a fudgepacker
and he's gonna
make him king.
And you know what?
I just spent a fortune
on this crown.
Oh, Hottessa.
Look at the bright side.
Once King Erotic finds out
that Orlando stole his wife,
there won't be a kingdom
for anyone to be king
or queen of anyways.
Oh, come on!
You know, I bet Erotic
gets so much trim,
he won't even miss her.
You had better
make this right.
What do you want me
to do about it?
Go ask the ephors
how to fix your mistake,
and prove yourself
in my father's eyes.
And if everything goes
according to plan,
I will finally let you
And so Awesomest went
to see the ephors.
They were some gross,
diseased, low life
sons of bitches
who claimed to consult
directly with the gods.
Either that, or they were
just high as shit.
Hi, ephors.
Hello General
Awesomest Maximus.
You guys look
really good.
Looks like this is clearing
up since I saw you,
especially that one
right there.
Ow. Okay.
Not cool.
Won't you come in?
The thing about
the ephors was
you may not get
the answers you came for,
but if you played
your cards right
you might get
your balls drained.
I mean, damn!
So what's the deal here?
These girls can only
channel the gods
while you guys
are perving on 'em?
Yep, basically.
It's a pretty good
line of shit.
Yes, that was
on me.
Okay, good.
So let's get down
to brass tacks.
I fucked over
King Erotic pretty bad.
And now there's
probably gonna
be a big war
and my wife's gonna
be super pissed.
Yeah, so I need
your help.
Let us consult
the Oracle.
What the fuck
are you doing here?
Please don't tell
Wait a minute.
How'd you even
get this job?
You've only been in Troy
an hour-and-a-half.
Friend of a friend.
(over loudspeaker)
Ellen, report to pole 3.
Gotta go.
My turn on the pole.
All right. Well, I guess
I'll just--I'll see you
at the castle.
Anyway, I know her.
It's weird.
She's kinda family.
I'll explain it.
Long story.
Anyway, now what?
Now what what?
I need the gods'
Let us consult
the Oracle.
The Oracle
just left.
- There are others.
- Many others.
How many?
Like seven.
I really should have
stayed in school.
Poor thing.
You know what I like.
Do you really
want me to?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, my God.
That's fucking sad
and gross at the same time.
So what's the verdict?
The verdict
about what?
About what I'm
supposed to do
to save Troy
from the Greeks.
(both laugh)
Really mature.
No, I don't
want any.
The gods say you must
team up with a horse
with wings,
and a owl
made of gold
and you have to cut
the head off Medusa.
Who the fuck
is Medusa?
No, no, no.
He's just
fucking with you.
Oh, ha. That's hilarious.
That's great.
I have an idea.
Pick a number between
1 and 10,000.
He said,
"Pick a number--
-I heard him.
-"between 1 and 10,000."
Thank you
very much.
Um, 300.
That's it.
What's it?
Bro. Fuckin' nailed it.
Nailed-- What are
you guys talking about?
The gods say that
Awesomest Maximus
must fight the Greeks
with 300 soldiers.
Wait, 300 soldiers?
versus King Erotic's
million man army.
The gods say that
anybody can beat the Greeks
with the whole
Trojan army.
But only a real general,
fit to be king,
can win with only
300 guys.
That makes no sense.
You make no sense.
Are you challenging
the gods?
Look, I just got
one question.
Is it 300 including me
or 300 plus me, like
301 or 299?
Dude, it's the gods.
Don't over think it.
This is fucking
Oh, the gods also say
that their costumes
have to be super faggy.
(idiotic laughing)
So? Don't they
look wonderful?
Well, you don't got
enough gay shit
going on here?
That's a good point.
We don't.
I'll get on that.
You wanna take those
long ass arms
off me?
Excuse me?
Fuck with me.
You're coming
with me.
Well, what do we
have here?
I found him
hiding in a tree.
I wasn't hiding.
I'm three foot tall,
you asshole.
General, my name
is Minoritees.
At your service.
Minoritees. His mom
actually called him that.
Your mom actually
called you that?
What a bitch.
Yes, she is.
I'm a son of Troy
and I wanna help
kick some Greek ass.
That was cute.
That's not cute.
Show him some respect.
He's pretty tough
for a little guy.
Thank you, General.
My mother hid me
as a baby
but I spent my entire life
making myself one
with spear.
My God, that was
a nice thrust.
And watch this.
- You like that?
- I like it a lot.
Nice moves.
- Pretty good rhythm.
- Very good rhythm, yeah.
Here, take this.
What's this?
I call it fried chicken.
Try it.
It's fucking delicious.
You know what?
It is fucking delicious.
General Awesomest.
We spotted the Greeks,
attacking by sea.
Let's go get 'em.
Hold on. You're not
coming with us.
Why? Is it because
I'm black?
What? No.
What kind of asshole
do you think I am?
No, of course not.
It's because I'm
a little person?
No, no.
Well, what is it then?
All right. It's because
you're black.
You know what?
Fuck y'all.
And especially you,
You watch your back.
And give me my fried
chicken back, motherfucker.
(Awesomest muttering)
Fuck that! Big
honkey ass motherfucker!
I think we should
prepare for battle, General.
We're prepared.
You don't have a helmet
or sword.
My helmet is over there
in the weeds
-and we got swords.
-You need that for battle.
Why don't you
prepare for battle?
Should I prepare for battle?
You don't prepare for battle.
You prepare for battle.
- I'll prepare for battle.
- You will never prepare for battle.
Prepare for battle!
My first fight.
This is really exciting.
Thanks for bringing
me, cousin.
I'll make you proud.
I'll be working on some
sick sword combo moves.
There'll be dead
Trojans everywhere!
Actually, you're gonna be
staying on the ship.
Are you serious?
I can't fight and watch
your ass at the same time.
That is such bullshit.
Are you sure you
don't want to wait
for everyone else?
I mean, we're only
ten dudes on a boat, here.
Look, yeah.
There might be thousands
of them, with bows
and arrows,
and they'll have a huge
strategic advantage over us
because they'll be attacking
us from an elevated plain.
And yeah. Our goal
of taking the beach
might be easier to achieve
if we had waited
for the thousand ships
behind us,
but we're not just
ten dudes.
We're ten tough dudes!
Am I right?
Do you know what's
beyond that beach?
An open bar!
No, but I like the way
you think.
Hot Trojan ass?
More gay shit?
Who said that?
Definitely him,
not me.
So what then?
Take it!
It's yours!
All right, Testiclees.
I really hate to be
that guy...
Well, you're being
that guy.
I'm trying to think
of things rationally.
Whenever someone says,
"l don't want
to be that guy"
then they're being
that guy.
We are most likely
gonna be really
Don't you think
it'd be a good
idea if we waited
to attack
with everyone else,
just to give us
an advantage?
So we don't suffer
heavy casualties to
our greatest fighters?
Well, just remember.
They'll remember your name
when you're gone.
Who's they?
Other people.
Why do I care
if people I've never met
remember my name
after I'm gone?
Dude, talk to your boy.
- Bill?
- Jeff?
- Bill?
- Jeff?
- Bill?
- Jeff?
He is Testiclees.
He knows what he's doing.
What could possibly
go wrong at this point?
(Bill screams)
Oh, shit!
Nice strategy, asshole.
(arrows wooshing,
men moaning, thudding)
Aw, shit.
Shit, shit, shit.
Dude, you were
totally right.
I know.
You don't have to
be a dick about it.
I'm not being a dick.
Just stay still.
You are a work of art,
you are good to go.
It's stylish, it's sexy,
but it's scary and
It's really good.
Yeah, all you need
is a dress.
What was that?
I said you should
address the men,
Most great generals...
I'm a great general.
Two seconds?
I'll be right back.
Yeah, take your time.
Yeah, cuz this
is going to take awhile.
It's gonna be
that good.
Looking forward to it.
(Awesomest makes
repeated Pff sounds)
Okay, boys?
I'm not much
of a speech making guy,
but here we go.
I guess the big question is
why are we here?
The truth is we could
probably just give up
and run away
and live to see
another day.
Oh, that rhymed.
(troops laugh)
And yes, run
and you'll live.
and you might actually
realize a lot of your
hopes and dreams
and do some of the
pretty cool shit that
you've wanted to do.
I mean, Hank, I know
you've been talking
now for a long time
about going on
that fishing trip
with your daughter.
But if you die today, that's
never going to happen.
And then your daughter
will grow up without
a father
and she will probably become
a pailer at some crappy
strip club.
You know, like some dude
twice your age dragging
his stinky, hairy junk
across her titties
for two drachmas
and a compliment.
(Awesomest in distance)
She will probably feel
very alone.
What the fuck
are you doing,
What does it
look like I'm doing?
I'm going to fight.
Is the Trojan army
taking girls now?
No, I'm a man
and this is what men do.
I'm tired of my father
thinking I'm a pansy.
Orlando, my boy.
Yes, Daddy.
My son, this is
the Trojan sword.
As long as a Trojan
keeps it safe,
the Trojans have
a homeland.
But if you lose it
in battle,
then we become a homeless,
dirty, wandering tribe
of savages.
No pressure intended,
my boy.
But can you handle it?
Yes. Thank you, Dad.
Now go and kill some
hairy ass Greeks!
Guard? When he gets
his pansy ass killed,
bring me that sword.
Yes, Your Highness.
Hey, Giuseppe!
You always wanted to take
that pottery class.
And--and learn to cook?
Italian food! I cook
for everyone.
Yeah! But now, instead
of spaghetti and meatballs
it's gonna be spaghetti
and you're fucking dead!
We gotta talk.
So talk.
What's with that
piece of shit tent?
It's all we had
in the budget.
You don't get it,
do you?
When this is all
said and done,
all they're going
to remember is
Oh, please!
You're just a soldier.
I'm a god-king.
That's like two things.
Is that right?
Yes, that's right.
It's two things.
Well then I'm out.
Until you groan to have
Testiclees back?
You're on your own.
Only King Erotic
can refer to himself
in the third person.
Testiclees can too!
Stop getting
in my face!
What's the matter?
You got a problem
with Testiclees
in your face?
Well, not usually.
Just in this instance.
Now you can watch
Testiclees walk away.
Come on,
Testiclees' Cousin.
Let's go!
King Erotic,
you're a douche bag.
Take me to meet
the Trojan general!
Is that the Trojan sword?
It is. My Daddy
gave it to me.
It's the reason
Troy has never
lost a war.
I'm gonna be
a hero. Oh.
(sword hits ground)
Aw, this will be fun.
Why did you draw
a dick on your face?
It's not a dick.
It's a sword.
Why does it
have balls?
That's the handle.
Well, let's go see
how pissed this guy
really is, huh?
We're so fucked.
Look, whatever you do.
Don't let this guy know
how scared shitless
we are, okay?
Oh, my God.
That chariot
is gorgeous.
Yeah, it's
pretty nice.
Hi, Erotic.
We meet again,
Actually, it's Awesomest
is my name, but--
I came to reclaim
my property.
Hey, bro? Not gonna
lie to you.
Kinda creeping
me out right now.
Ah, how about now?
That feels kinda good,
thank you.
This whole thing
has made me very tense.
I can feel
the tension.
You hold it
in your shoulders.
That's what my massage
therapist told me.
Can you do one
of those little
circular things?
Oh, wow wow!
You sir, have the hands
of a god-king.
I am a god-king.
Well, that's why,
I guess.
Doesn't Awesomest
look like a born leader?
With me at his side,
he could become
a great king.
We could produce
lots of healthy,
Yes, King Looney?
Come sit on my lap
so I can fondle you
while we watch Orlando
getting his ass kicked.
Ooo, dear God
have mercy.
That sure is a lot
of guys you brought.
My archers
will block out the sun
with their arrows.
That's actually
preferable for me
because I freckle
very easily.
Look, I was thinking.
Instead of all
of this war,
maybe you and l
could just work
it out, you know.
Dude to dude.
If you get down
on your knees
and kneel before Erotic,
and give Ellen
back to me,
then I will only
enslave your men
and rape your women twice.
We'll rape
the women once.
You don't want
to wear them out.
Never kneel.
A Trojan never kneels.
what the fuck, man?
Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
What are you trying to do?
Suck his cock?
I thought that was
what he wanted.
How the hell could you
leave me for this?
For this guy?
I was banging half your guys
before I left, you asshole.
You, come here.
You fuck my wife?
If you tell me the truth,
no harm will come to you.
You fucked--
(drawing sword)
Holy shit!
Dude, you gotta chill.
Please, can we just
talk this out?
No more talking,
It's time
for the killing
and the maiming.
Although I love
this makeup job.
Oh, I did that earlier
this morning.
Oh, well. Kudos.
You are going down.
Let's do this!
I think that went well.
The stage was set
forthe biggest battle
of all time.
The Trojans had
the high ground.
The Greeks had
way more guys.
All that stood between Troy
and oblivion
was Awesomest and his 300.
They know to hold.
They're still hundreds
of yards away.
Constantly repeating yourself
is just fucking annoying.
Look, dude.
I'm a general, so if I want
to say hold a dozen times
I guess it just sucks
to be you because
that's the way it goes.
I'm just saying,
the more you repeat yourself
the less importance it has.
The less importance it has.
I don't think
that's necessary.
I don't think
that's necessary.
This isn't a good example.
This isn't a good example.
- I'm a jackass.
- You're a jackass.
No I said,
"I'm a jackass."
I said, "You're
a jackass."
That's really mature.
You're really mature.
Oh, shit!
(armor clashing)
Oops, sorry buddy.
(armor clashing, yelling)
(laughing, taunting)
(Quantas yelling)
Oh, my God.
(Quantas yelling)
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
What are we
gonna do?
We'll push them
off the cliffs.
That gives me
an idea.
Let's push them
off the cliffs.
We're pushing you
off the cliff.
We're pushing them
off the cliff! Yeah!
Keep pushing them
off the cliff!
Yeah, we totally pushed
you off the cliff!
We're Troy!
You're pushing me
off the cliff. Whoa...
Prob-probably dead.
Probably dead?
The Trojans took the loss
of their general hard.
Awesomest was the best
Trojan ever born
Awesomest, now he's dead.
Now it's time to mourn.
Awesomest, what a guy.
Why did you have to die?
(crashing, strings popping)
Even Quantas lost his shit.
Awesomest Maximus,
It's all there was.
It isn't fair.
Hottessa took it
even harder.
I was too hard
on him.
Now I'll never
become queen.
This will take
your mind off it.
Thank you.
Oh, why?
King Looney was loonier
than ever.
Wait, who was it
that got killed?
As was customary when
an army lost its leader,
both sides agreed to
a 12-day truce.
But being the trifling
asshole that he was,
that didn't stop King Erotic
from looking high and low
for an advantage.
You like?
I like.
Oh, I like.
Awesomest was cruel
and denied you.
And was a little bit
racist, you know?
Whereas I am generous.
True that, man.
True that.
If you tell me how
to penetrate the Trojan walls
anything you want
you will have.
A threesome.
A foursome, with like,
all girls.
(in a high voice)
Oh, yeah.
You will be given
both daily.
You will be given jewels
and drink.
Look, you got me.
I'm in.
The key to
getting in the--
Beautiful morally casual men
will give you daily
ass play.
Wait! What the fuck?
Homey don't play that!
I know. I know
what you are thinking.
How can Erotic
be this kind?
Listen, man. I don't
really go that way.
You'll be given
golden showers,
Dirty Sanchezes,
Roman helmets.
Look, you had me
at jewels and drinks.
You ain't had
to keep on going.
But you can have it all!
Space docking,
snow balling, bestiality,
all the man juice
you can drink.
Six feet of Venetian blind
cord shoved right up
the pee-pee hole.
Wait! What the fuck?
Ain't nothin' going up
my pee hole!
Are you crazy,
And let's not forget
the shocker!
The shocker? You can't
give no man the shocker.
Oh, yes you can.
Oh, shit.
But little did
the Trojans know
their general wasn't dead.
Just a little lost.
For a big man, he was
a real good swimmer.
It had something to do
with mass and
Anyway, Awesomest
was still alive.
Sort of.
Damn, dog.
I thought you was
dead for sho.
(heavy breathing)
Where am l?
Slave market.
This prick is about
to sell our asses.
Come on, buddy.
I give you good deal.
You must be Jewish.
Here, take this.
It'll take the pain away.
Trust me.
It's some good shit.
Easy, easy.
Hey, buddy.
Have a look
at my stock, huh?
We have
good deal today.
Two for the one
on the slaves.
But only today.
Hey! Motherfuckers!
Take me to dinner before
you just grabbing asses.
Mark of the Legion
of Troy.
He's a Spaniard.
No I'm not.
I don't even
speak Spanish.
Trust me, buddy.
I once banged girl
who said she was Lebanese,
it was complete bullshit.
She was a Spaniard.
Como ay yama?
- I'll take 'em both.
- Deal.
Two for one, right?
Not for these.
I am Approximo.
And I bought you
so I could profit
from your death.
You're gonna live,
fight and die
for me.
And that's not
even the good news.
The good news is I got
you guys two for one,
so you were really cheap.
And I'm gonna make
a lot of money.
What an asshole.
He certainly is.
Anyway, it's
a lose-lose for you.
Well, hey man. I forgot
to introduce myself.
The name's
Awesomest Maximus.
And I forgot
to introduce myself.
I'm Julius
motherfuckin' Caesar.
You think
I'm lying?
No, bro.
I'm for real.
Check this out.
You see?
I did that myself.
I was fucking wasted.
If you're really
Awesomest Maximus
then what the hell
are you doing here?
You know what?
I'm not exactly sure.
The last thing I remember
my troops pushed me off
the edge of a cliff.
See? That's that bullshit.
No, it was totally
an accident.
It was racism, man.
All right?
Pushing motherfuckers
over cliffs?
You're trying to hold
a brother back.
Come on, man.
Anyway man, look.
Even if you're him,
you ain't him.
I'm sorry. Him?
Awesomest Maximus.
Okay, l--I don't follow.
Oh, my God.
All right.
Check it out, man.
Word on the street is
the real baby Awesomest
got dropped off a cliff
by accident
the priest found your fat ass
to pawn you off as
so he could cover
for himself.
Bring out the future
baby general!
(second man)
Yeah, we want to see him!
(woman screams)
(crowd chanting)
Could I have this
for a second?
- No.
- Yes.
No, that's my baby!
I present to you,
our future general,
Awesomest Maximus.
Come on!
Show us his junk!
You mean to tell me
that when I was a baby
I was dropped off a cliff?
Cliffs are ruining
my fucking life.
You're not listening,
are you?
All right.
Check it out. Look.
Everyone knows all
of Awesomest Maximus'
ancestors was hung
Iike Trojan horses, right?
What you packin'?
Hey. (laughs)
No, no, no, dude.
Trust me, man.
I'm packin' it.
I mean, you know, it's--
If I'm excited.
If the girl is
pretty enough...
it's usually--I don't
know how to...
Oh, my God.
Hey, do I have
to separate you two?
Oh, my God.
No, no, no.
It wasn't
nothin' like that.
I'm explaining
Do you mind
if I touch it?
Just to see
if it's real.
I'm Awesomest Maximus.
And I'm
Alexander the Great.
Man, there's always
a few in every bunch.
So you see, dog?
You just ain't
the real Awesomest.
I'm sorry I had to be
the one to tell you.
By the way,
my name's Jamal.
I think your dick
is on my foot, Jamal.
Oh, my bad.
That evening, Awesomest
thought about all the shit
that happened to him
in his life.
And it was a very dramatic
moment for him.
Yo, Awesomest.
Watcha doin'?
Praying to the gods.
And what are you
praying for?
I need their help.
I have to
prove myself,
change my life,
become a true warrior.
Yeah, well. I want
a blowjob and
a ham sandwich,
but some shit
don't work out
the way you want.
You know what
I'm saying?
Hombres, por favor.
King Erotic has organized
some gladiator games
during the time of peace
in honor of the dead
general whatshisname.
And guess who
got the contract?
I got the fucking contract
because I'm the fucking man!
It's time to prove yourself,
change your life,
and become a true warrior.
But anyway, that means
you're going to Troy
to compete.
Yeah, well don't get
so excited,
because you gotta go
to gladiator camp first
to sharpen your skills,
so you don't embarrass
my ass
in front of thousands
of people.
So pack your shit,
Gracias, Seor!
Yo, gods. Can I get
a blowjob and
a ham sandwich?
Jamal didn't get his blowjob
or his ham sandwich,
but he and Awesomest did
go to the gladiator camp,
where for the first time,
Awesomest would quit
fucking around
and take his training
That's a tie!
That's a tie.
That's improvement!
You're improving.
Your cardiovascular
endurance is improving, too.
Run, you idiots!
(grunts, thud)
Good, good!
Now you gotta kill him!
Kill him!
That's it.
Now you're gonna
have to bury him.
We have no one else
to do it.
But good for you.
(trumpet fanfare)
Ladies and gentlemen!
to an afternoon
of killing and maiming.
(crowd cheers)
Why don't you cut
that gay shit off?
This is sponsored
by King Erotic
and Approximo Productions.
Come on, Dad.
We're going to miss
the decapitation.
These gladiators
have been trained
to die horrible,
disgusting deaths
for your entertainment.
I like it when they
eat the people.
If any body parts
fly into the crowd,
you can keep them,
except the liver.
If you can hear me,
I'm either dying today
or coming home
fit to be your king.
So keep me
in your thoughts.
Awesomest, you
smoke without me?
Not today, Jamal.
I have to stay focused.
And they're drug testing,
so you might want
to watch that shit.
- Shit. Word?
- Word.
Hey, what the--
What kind of gladiator
are you, man?
I'm an accountant.
First up is a little
something I like to call
the Annihilation of Abacus,
the Accountant.
This guy screwed up
my books
and he is gonna pay.
(crowd moans)
Oh, fuck!
You won't see that
no mo'
I got two in front.
You can see blood
and guts, everything.
Can we, Dad?
We'll take two.
Get your beer here.
Can I have
a beer, Dad?
Are you nuts?
What kind of a parent
do you think I am?
Next we have
the chubby Spaniard
versus the Spumoni brothers
of Pompeii.
(swords clashing, grunts)
(crowd cheers)
That nigga got skills!
(crowd chanting,
Are you ready
for some football?
Go, go!
(crowd cheers)
That's what we're here for.
The killing.
And the Spaniard looks like
he's gonna be the next
so get your trading cards now.
This kid is gonna kill
right to the top.
It's Testiclees.
Oh, don't worry.
I got this.
I think.
He's my guy.
Fuck him up
you big motherfucker.
(crowd gasps)
What the fuck?
I thought this asshole
was immortal.
Wow, gladiator camp
is the shit.
Are you not
Are you not
Is this not
why you're here?
Actually, I'm here
for the tiger mauling at 4.
Me too.
Okay, then let's just let
this be a lesson to you all
about the dangers of jumping
onto the field of play
during sporting events.
Who is this
masked man?
Especially you kids,
all right?
Tell Approximo
I want to meet him.
Drop your weapon.
King Erotic wants
to meet you.
Now look
chubby Spaniard.
Just Spaniard
actually is fine.
I'm not even crazy
about that, but...
Okay, well look.
You were terrific today
I mean, the way you
smash a head,
I mean, just really
nice stuff,
and I would like
to represent you.
I want to be
your representation.
That's a wonderful
offer, but can l
think about it?
Look, I could give you
any kind of grape you want.
Globe grapes,
Concord grapes.
Globes are nice.
You like blowjobs?
Who doesn't love
a good blowjob?
Ever have one
in the back of a chariot?
You know what? '
I have not.
I'm not that adventurous.
I'm a vanilla guy.
It's a little bumpy,
but still, it's--
Take off your mask.
And anything else
if it makes you
more comfortable.
It's Awesomest.
(crowd whispers)
It's Awesomest.
My name is
Awesomest Maximus,
Commander of the world's
greatest super power,
husband to a hot,
pushy but sexually
enlightened wife,
and slayer to the
invincible Testiclees,
so yeah, I'm kinda the shit.
It's not Testiclees.
He didn't kill
He killed his cousin.
You killed me,
you fucker.
(crowd jeering)
No, no, no.
That--it was
a different--
He jumped in and he
was blond with...
Fuck. I'm sorry!
(moans in frustration)
Should we kill him,
my king?
No, I have another idea
for Assomest.
What's the idea?
I'll tell you later.
You can't just
tell us now?
(sword strikes, gasp)
I tell you later.
(ropes tightening,
Cry mercy
and it will all end.
(Awesomest groaning)
Blow me.
You know I would,
but this is the time where
bad stuff happens to you.
Sir, we have some news
from the arena.
I told you I didn't want
to be disturbed
unless Erotic groaned
to have Testiclees back.
As far as I know, there
hasn't been any groaning.
Well, it's your cousin, sir.
He went dressed up as you
to the gladiator games
then he...
Spit it out!
We were
really tanked, and...
your cousin, he jumps
into the gladiator pit
on a dare
and this gladiator who
actually turned out
to be Awesomest...
You know the general
from Troy?
What happened
to my cousin?
Awesomest mistaked him
for you and cut
his head off.
(slap, grunt)
How could anyone
confuse me
for my cousin?
I'm five inches taller
than he is.
I've got better
bone structure.
I've got 16% less
body fat
and our muscle densities
aren't even close.
Confused my cousin for me?
Awesomest, you're
a dead man.
What do you want
to see next?
Fat lady!
(crowd chants)
Fat lady, fat lady!
(rap music)
That be some
big bitches.
Sit on his face!
Sit on his face!
Sit on his face!
(Awesomest screams)
Erotic, you sick
son of a bitch.
Please, just kill me!
(vomiting sounds)
This motherfucker's mine.
Oh no you don't,
you little glory hog.
You! Take him!
Let's go bitches.
Look. Here comes
Open the gates.
Somebody looking
for a general?
This will not
be over quickly.
That would be a first.
And you will not
enjoy this.
That wouldn't.
That night Awesomest received
a true hero's welcome.
His newfound strength
and staying power
drove Hottessa wild
with desire.
They were man and woman,
conqueror and conquered,
master and gimp
In the end, he moved
her soul, melted her heart,
and made her cum
a lot of times.
And vice-versa.
Hey, don't knock it
until you try it.
How could you idiots
let him escape?
Us? I'd say you were
a little culpable there.
(grunts and gasps)
Kinda forgot my place
there, didn't l?
We have to attack them
before they attack us.
But we still cannot
breach their walls.
Okay, look.
I'll help you out here.
And after thinking about it?
I'd even try a golden shower
one time, okay?
But I get to pick
the showerer.
Otherwise, it's twosome,
threesome, booze and jewels.
None of that
other bullshit.
Are you sure?
No man juice?
I'm sure.
Suit yourself.
Now here's
the big tip.
We gotta get a big
wooden dick and drag
it all the way up here.
Look at that.
Big ass fucker.
Some people send flowers,
some send wooden penises.
Shh, shh.
But it's real nice.
Artistically speaking,
not in any gay way.
Don't Hercules that joint.
It reminds me of
a Macedonian I used to date.
Was his name Achmed?
We gotta bring it
into the city.
We should bring
it into the city
and deal with it.
This could be a trap,
my king.
There could be Greeks
hiding in there,
ready to jump out
and kill us after
we bring it
into the city.
We should bring it
into the city and
deal with it.
My king, I urge you.
We should take it
and burn it.
You might be right,
But who am I to look
a gift cock in the mouth?
To the city.
(wheels creaking)
Back it up!
And now push it in.
(crash, grunting)
Back it up again.
(wheels creaking)
And please push it
in again.
Do it a little slower.
Just ram it in
for fuck's sake.
(wheels creaking)
Yo, bro. I'm sorry
about your cousin, man.
We're cool, right?
No, no, it's um--
(wheels creaking,
ropes straining)
Oh, my God.
That was awesome.
I think you mean
I never knew
you had it in you.
Actually, I had it
in you.
I liked it when
you punched me in the face.
- Did you like that?
- I did. It was passionate.
How about a little
slap and tickle.
The Greeks
have breached our walls.
What? How?
A giant penis.
Thank you. But how?
They're sacking
the city.
- Shit!
- Fuck!
(shouting, crowd noise)
You have done well,
my little friend.
Is your hand
up my ass?
Man, get the fuck
off of me.
Kiss my black ass,
Let's spare the soldiers'
lives and settle this
the old fashioned way.
Your best fighter
versus mine.
We win? You leave
Troy forever.
And if we win?
Then we submit
to your rule.
I'm right here.
You're either too late
or you're too early.
Your timing
is horrible.
Get over it.
And who is your
best fighter?
Just kidding!
Oh, my God.
I just shit
my pants.
You should have seen
your face.
I'm kidding.
I'm gonna fight him.
Great. Let's do this.
I got a loincloth
wax at three.
Come on!
I know, right?
This shit is sick!
You can't kill
the indestructible
That's my boy.
I saw this going
differently in my mind.
swords clanging)
Leave him alone,
Mr. Testiclees.
If you wanna deal
with someone,
then you deal
with me.
Oh, my God.
His name is
because his testicles
are his weakness.
Ain't that motherfucker
a genius?
swords clanging)
Time for Testiclees
to end this shit.
The end is near.
Oh. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
That's it.
Take your time.
(slimy sound)
(no sound, silence)
(slimy sound,
creepy music)
(gasping, choking)
(hits the ground,
Oh, my balls.
Oh, my balls!
Who's this chick?
Please. He's my
only son.
Dude, that's your mom?
Shh. Let me kiss it
to make it better.
Oh, my God.
That is so sweet.
There's nothing like
a mother's love.
This was supposed to be
my moment.
No, no! Wait!
Wait for what?
Awesomest, listen.
I know that he's a bit
of a meany pants.
Uh, a bit?
But he's just--
he's misunderstood.
No, I'm not.
Yes you are.
Don't you see?
All of this murdering
and enslaving,
it's you overcompensating.
For what?
For who you
really are.
Right here.
It's true.
He sees right through me.
I know I see
right through you.
It's because l--
I love you.
I'm gay!
Shit, I knew it.
Don't you understand?
Why do you think
that I took Ellen
in the first place?
I was trying
to make you jealous.
I mean, people died.
Things got a little crazy
and I feel bad about it,
but I was trying
to get a rise
out of you.
Oh, my God.
Why didn't you
just say something?
Because I didn't
know what to say.
Oh, me too.
I was so jealous
when you came to visit
and all the time you
were spending
with her.
I knew it!
Who cares about
being king of Troy?
Oh, girl. You can still
be the queen of Greece.
You know what?
Fuck Greece
and fuck you!
I mean, come on!
This whole war started
because you two--
wouldn't come
out of the closet?
I had to climb a mountain
and fell off a cliff.
I lived in a cage.
I got smothered
by greasy cellulite.
I even killed a special
needs kid, for what?
All right, look.
Erotic, if I let you live,
do you promise
to return home
and leave Troy
the fuck alone?
And Orlando. Do you promise
not to steal anyone
else's wife
or cost the lives
of thousands and
thousands of men.
Yes, I do.
Okay, that's just great.
Then by the power
vested in me
as the general
of the Trojan army
I declare this war over.
We win. You lose.
I am so proud of you.
Thanks, babe.
I have some good news
and some bad news.
Okay, good news first.
Troy is safe.
You have become the man
I always knew you could be.
and I will get
to be the queen.
What's the bad news?
I'm in love with Ellen
and she's moving in
with us.
What's the bad news?
I always knew
you'd be into it.
What's the bad news?
Okay, bye.
So what'd he say?
You're in.
And so it was
that the wrong baby
became the right man.
A man who became a general,
a general who became
a legend,
a legend whose name will echo
not just through his time,
but through all time.
The legend
of Awesomest Maximus.
And that's
a true story.
But what's with
the stupid voice?
I just do that to make
it sound more important.
Please, are you
actually telling me
that you're buying
this guy's goat shit?
I mean, he's just trying
to get into our togas.
Listen, you bitch.
All this really happened.
It's a true story.
I'm gonna be the king.
And where is
your wife,
the queen?
Probably back
at the castle.
We got a,
you know,
an understanding.
Kind of
an open thing.
Get a new line,
douche bag.
Come on.
I thought
he was kind of cute.
She's been drinking
on my tab...
(Narrator's voice)
The world's fate
is decided by legends,
men who are
larger than life,
whose tales of bravery...
(normal voice)
Oh, suck my
awesome balls.
General, sir. I have
underestimated you.
Today, you
have shown strength.
You have shown honor.
Today, sir, you
have come
a long way--
You said "come."
I'm trying to give you
the respect that
I believe--
I'm trying to give you
the respect--
- Are you repeating me?
- Are you repeating me?
We're going to
play that game?
We're going to
play that game?
You are by far...
You are by far
the worst general...
You're not even
a general.
- Unbelievable.
- What's unbelievable?
- I thought you'd changed.
- I have changed.
You haven't changed
a bit.
I changed
the fucking world.
My name's Edward Barbanell
and I approve this
Shakespeare monologue.
Oh, from you the fire.
(off screen)
Do you remember when
I cut Darren in half
all the way down
to his balls, right?
I visualized
the whole thing.
Really? I wouldn't
have known that.
Give me back my
fried chicken, motherfucker.
Hey, hey.
(off screen)
We're good
at musical chairs.
That's true. Most people
who win musical chairs
go on to kill and kill.
Is the--Jeff, I can't
do this. Come here.
I mean, this guy's
an amateur.
I've never even heard of
fucking The Revenge
of the Nerd.
A kingdom for a stage,
princes to act,
and monarchs to behold
the swelling scene.
Yeah! See?
You need some
fucking therapy.
(rhythmic hand clapping)
Let's go Trojans!
Between you and me, Your
Highness, Hottessa's
been on the rag.
Well, don't be an idiot.
That's natural.
Um, um. Just try
doggy fashion.
Some women
prefer it.
Check it out.
It's a burden.
This whole war
was started
because you two
Watch it.
Is there no one else?
This is pushing my face.
Turning the accomplishment
of many years
into an hour glass.
and admit me, Chorus,
to this history.
Who, prologue-like, may
your humble patience pray,
kindly to judge, our play.
(off screen)
(applause and cheers)