The LEGO Batman Movie (2017) Movie Script

All important movies start
with a black screen.
And music.
Edgy, scary music
that would make
a parent or studio executive nervous.
And logos.
Really long and dramatic logos.
Warner Bros.
Why not "Warner Brothers"? I don't know.
The house that Batman built.
Yeah, what, Superman?
Come at me, bro.
I'm your Kryptonite.
Not sure what RatPac does,
but that logo is macho.
I dig it.
Get yourself ready for some
"If you want to make the world
a better place"
"take a look at yourself
and make a change."
No. I said that.
Batman is very wise.
I also have huge pecs and a nine-pack.
Yeah, I've got an extra ab.
Now, let's start the movie.
Gotham Tower,
this is McGuffin Airlines, Flight 1138.
We are transporting
11 million sticks of dynamite,
17,000 pounds of C-4,
about 150 cute little
classic bomb-type bombs,
and two best friends!
And request permission to fly over
the most crime-ridden city in the world.
I'm just looking at all the guys' faces
here in the control tower.
- I'm good.
- Sounds good to me.
- Do it!
- Yeah, as long as they're best friends.
- Thumbs up!
- Yep, I think we're cool with that.
seal breach in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!
What was that?
- One of us should check it out.
- Okay.
Scissors, paper, rock.
- Paper.
- Scissors.
Ha! You always do paper.
I'm a loser at home and a loser at work.
Holy cow!
Captain Dale, is everything okay?
I am afraid Captain Dale had to bail.
I'm your new co-pilot.
And I always come to work
with a smile!
- You should be terrified.
- Why?
Because I will be taking over the city.
- What?
- Batman will stop you.
He always stops you.
No, he doesn't.
What about that time with the two boats?
This is better than the two boats.
- Mmm...
- Well, tonight is gonna be different!
Tonight is my greatest plan yet.
And trust me,
Batman's never gonna see it coming.
Like that time with the parade
and the Prince music?
Hey, quiet!
- Good night, Steve.
- Take it easy, Jeff.
Man, I really like that guy.
I sure hope nothing bad happens to him.
Nothing bad ever happens to me
What the...
Your city is under attack
by Gotham's greatest criminal minds.
The Riddler.
Pizza delivery.
- Bane.
- Hello.
We need that door open, baby!
Meow, meow. You're in! Meow, meow.
I'm jumping out of the way!
And let's not forget, Clayface.
Poison Ivy.
- Freeze!
- No!
You freeze!
Mr. Freeze!
Penguin, Crazy Quilt, Eraser.
Polka-Dot Man, Mime, Tarantula.
King Tut, Orca, Killer Moth,
March Harriet, Zodiac Master,
Gentleman Ghost.
Clock King, Calendar Man, Kite-Man,
Catman, Zebra-Man, and the Condiment King.
Okay, are you making some of those up?
Nope, they're all real.
Probably worth a Google.
- Hey, watch it!
- Commissioner Gordon!
What is it, O'Hara?
We just got a report!
All the Z-grade villains have
broken into the energy plant!
What are we gonna do, sir?
The only thing we ever do.
Flip the switch to the Bat-Signal!
Commissioner, are you there?
The Bat-Signal, she's been egged!
It's Egghead, sir.
I'm well aware of his work.
Dear gosh.
You've destroyed the Bat-Signal.
You have thought of everything.
Yeah, I know!
And when I take over Gotham City...
Opening reactor core doors.
...Batman will grovel at the feet
of his greatest enemy!
Me! The Joker!
Joker, do you read me?
10-4, girl buddy.
We're ready for you, sugar plum.
Well, then, let's raise the roof!
Fire in the hole!
O'Hara, have you tried the Bat-Phone?
Yes, but all I'm getting
is this hold music.
I love it.
- I want snipers trained on that building!
- You bet!
- I want water and air support, yesterday!
- Ahoy, sir!
And I need SWAT here now!
Phone call for Commissioner Gordon.
Hello? Batman?
Hi, Jimmy! It's the Jokes. Oop!
Nobody calls you that.
Yes, people do call me that.
Okay, listen up.
Go, go, go!
At this very moment,
an unnecessarily complicated bomb
is being attached
to the inside of the main energy core.
If the mayor isn't here in five minutes
to negotiate the city's surrender,
then I shall destroy Gotham City.
I did something!
Doctor, that sounds frightening
and overly complicated.
Talk us through it.
Well, I don't wanna scare
any small children who may be listening,
but it's a little-known fact
that Gotham City
is built on a bunch of flimsy plates
stuck together.
There's literally nothing beneath us,
except an infinite abyss
that smells like dirty underwear.
If Joker's bomb were to go off,
these plates would break apart,
plunging every Gotham citizen
into the eternal abyss forever.
And you wouldn't want that, now would you?
Now get me the mayor! Joker out!
Madam Mayor, I cannot ask you to do this!
- Jim, did you find Batman?
- No, ma'am.
Then we have no choice.
The Joker has the upper hand.
We have to surrender Gotham City.
Oh, no.
I'm sorry!
Flying the mayor package in right now.
SWAT team, get your stun guns ready!
- Non-lethal.
- Yeah!
Lowering mayor package through hole.
Madam Mayor!
Thanks for dropping by.
I've only got one thing
to say to you, Joker.
Well, you better make it fast.
Do you like to gamble?
Oh, I certainly do.
Do you ever play roulette?
On occasion.
Well, let me give you a word of advice.
I'm all ears.
When playing roulette...
...always bet on black.
What are you doing?
You're completely outnumbered here!
Are you nuts?
You wanna get nuts? Come on!
Let's get nuts!
'Cause I just wrote a song
about how I'm gonna kick all your butts!
Stop him before he starts singing!
In the darkest night
I make the bad guys fall
There's a million heroes
Computer, overcompensate.
But I'm the best of them all
I'm on my way, sir.
- Who has the coolest gadgets?
- Batman!
- Who has the tricked-out ride?
- Batman!
- Who does the sickest backflips?
- Batman!
Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Batman!
Yeah, hey, hey! Batman jam!
Da-Na, da-Na, da-Na, da-Na
You think my muscles are big?
Thank you.
You haven't seen my brain
Ladies, it's okay if you stare
'Cause I'm a billionaire
Get it together, guys!
You're making me look bad
in front of Batman!
'Puter, where's the bomb?
The bomb is located
at the base of the energy core.
What the...
I get the last laugh, I get the final grin
Throw you into the asylum
With Harley Quinn
Turn Two-Face
To black-and-blue face
I 100% am not Bruce Wayne!
Kiss me, Batman.
- Who's the manliest man?
- Ugh!
- With the buns of steel?
- Batman!
- Who could choke-hold a bear?
- Batman!
- Who never skips leg day?
- Batman!
Who always pays their taxes?
Not Batman
How is he beating all of you again?
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
I'm Batman!
It's gonna blow!
I'm Batman!
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
I'm Batman!
Hi, Batman!
So weird to keep running into you.
Looks like your plan failed.
Well, it's only a matter of time
before I take over Gotham City.
When has that ever happened? Computer!
Calculating. Never.
You know why?
Because I'm always one step ahead of you.
And I always get away!
Not this time.
'Cause this time
I got you.
Oh, yeah?
Well, there's only one problem.
Who's gonna defuse the bomb?
It's gotta be one or the other, Batman.
Save the city,
or catch your greatest enemy.
You can't do both.
I'm sorry, what did you just say?
You can't do both, I said.
No, I mean the other thing.
Save the city,
or catch your greatest enemy.
You think you're my greatest enemy?
Yes! You're obsessed with me!
No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
- No, I'm not.
Yes, you are! Who else drives you
to one-up them the way that I do?
- Bane.
- No, he doesn't!
- Superman.
- Superman's not a bad guy!
Then I'd say that I don't
currently have a bad guy.
I am fighting a few different people.
I like to fight around.
Okay, look, I'm fine with you
fighting other people
if you wanna do that,
but what we have is special.
So, when people ask you
"Who's your number one bad guy?"
you say...
Are you seriously saying
that there is nothing,
nothing special about our relationship?
Let me tell you something, J-bird.
- Batman doesn't do 'ships.
- What?
As in "relationships."
There is no "us."
Batman and Joker are not a thing.
I don't need you.
I don't need anyone.
You mean nothing to me.
No one does.
Hurray! Batman!
You did it!
You're welcome.
- Thank you, Batman.
- Oh, my pleasure.
Batman, we love you!
Thank you!
I'm blushing super hard under the mask.
- Grazie, Batman!
- Prego.
- You're the best, Batman!
- Oh, I'm humble.
- Thanks, Batman!
- I'm super modest about it. Thank you.
- Batman, you're the greatest!
- Oh, pray hands, pray hands.
- Thanks for saving the city!
- You're welcome.
Batman, I love you more than my kids!
So do I, guy!
You're our hero, Batman!
I love my life.
Go ahead.
- Are we near the orphanage?
- Yes.
Let's turn those frowns upside down.
That sounds like the Batmobile.
No way!
Hey, orphans! Look who's here!
It's Batman!
Hey, kids.
Who wants a shot from the merch gun?
- I do, I do, I do!
- Great!
- Kaboom!
- I got a lunchbox!
- Kaboom!
- I got a sippy cup!
- Kaboom!
- I got a Batarang!
And the rest of you get Bat Bucks.
Remember, kids,
if you want to be like Batman,
take care of your abs. Batman out!
Batman! Batman! Batman!
Thanks, Batman. You're my hero!
What is the password?
Iron Man sucks.
Thank you.
It must be great to be Batman.
I can only imagine
he is going home right now
to party the night away,
surrounded by scores of friends
and lady tennis players.
Hey, Computer.
I'm home.
Welcome home, sir.
Initializing Batcave operating system.
Hey, 'Puter.
What's up, Batman?
Put this bomb in the museum.
Certainly, sir.
- Thank you.
- No worries.
Anything exciting happen when I was gone?
You have four pieces of mail.
Great, what'd I get?
You have this week's Pennysaver,
two bills,
and a coupon for Bed Bath and Beyond.
It expires in two weeks.
But I've heard that some stores
will honor them past the expiry date.
Copy that.
Also, Alfred is on the 17th floor,
grouting tiles in the second bathroom
of the fifth master bedroom.
Do you want me to tell Alfred you're home?
No, that's cool, Computer.
Thanks for the update.
I should probably have some dinner.
Alfred left your lobster thermidor
in the fridge.
Oh, that's my favorite.
I can't wait.
Oh, not 20 minutes. Stupid.
Oh, wait.
There, which one is, uh...
You complete me.
Shut up. You had me at hello.
Love it!
Hey, Mom.
Hey, Dad.
I, uh...
I saved the city again today.
I wish you could have seen me.
I think you would have been really proud.
There you are!
Oh! Alfred! I am so sorry.
I have incredible reflexes.
No, it's all my fault, sir.
I should have known better
than to sneak up on you like that.
Sorry, I was just lost in thought,
and as you know,
when I'm in there, I'm in deep.
Were you looking
at the old family pictures again?
At the what? The old family...
Oh, yes! I see what you mean.
Look at that! The old gang.
Yeah. No, I wasn't.
I see.
Sir, if you don't mind my saying,
I'm a little concerned.
I've seen you go through similar phases
in 2016 and 2012 and 2008 and 2005
and 1997 and 1995 and 1992 and 1989
and that weird one in 1966.
Do you want to talk about
how you're feeling right now?
I don't talk about feelings, Alfred.
I don't have any, I've never seen one.
I'm a night-stalking,
crime-fighting vigilante,
and a heavy metal rapping machine.
I don't feel anything emotionally,
except for rage.
24/7, 365, at a million percent.
And if you think that there's something
behind that, then you're crazy.
Good night, Alfred.
Sir, it's morning.
Master Bruce, you live on an island,
figuratively and literally.
Yeah. I love it.
You can't spend
the rest of your life alone,
dressed in black,
listening to angry music,
and staying up all night.
Yes, I can, 'cause I'm Batman.
But don't you think it's time
you finally faced your greatest fear?
- Snakes?
- No.
- Clowns?
- No.
Snake clowns?
Bruce, listen.
Your greatest fear is
being a part of a family again.
Nope. Now it's snake clowns,
because you put that idea in my head.
- Sir?
- Time for push-ups!
One, two... We're going to 1,000.
I'm afraid that's not possible, sir.
It is possible. I'm already at 20.
You're scheduled to go to
Jim Gordon's retirement party.
What? No. I don't wanna do that.
- You're going to have a great time!
- No, no, no.
You might meet some new people!
No, no, no!
You could even make some new friends.
No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
And before you go,
we can do your favorite thing.
Tuxedo dress-up party.
Sir, aren't you forgetting something?
- Nope.
- Your cowl.
My what, now?
Your armored face disguise?
- Happy now?
- Indubitably.
Good. Must be nice to be happy.
Tonight, on Metropolis in Focus,
we have our favorite star, Superman!
What up, Gotham!
Superman, tell me. How do you feel
about your recent banishment
of Zod to the Phantom Zone?
Yeah, look, Pippa, it's...
It's complicated. Okay?
Zod and I, we've had some
pretty epic battles over the years.
I don't believe I would be Superman
without fighting Zod.
See? Superman gets it. Why can't Batman?
Check it out, guys.
I built a CD rack. Ta-da!
And how am I supposed to get
Batman's respect
when I'm working with these human farts?
Boo-boo, look at me.
You're too good for Batman.
He needs to open his eyes
and see what it feels like
when you're not around. Okay?
Yeah, Pippa. I couldn't put Zod
in a regular prison, right?
He's Zod. Come on!
No, he needed to go someplace
where he could never harm
Metropolis ever again.
The Phantom Zone.
Ah, yes, the notorious space jail
that houses the greatest
super-villains of all time.
They've got, like,
the sickest baddies up there.
They got, like, this guy.
- And her.
- I'll get you, my pretty!
- To say nothing about him.
- Wingardium Leviosa!
And these guys.
I'm starting to get an idea, monkey face.
Bruce, over here!
Okay, shutterbugs. Look alive, here we go.
I'm gonna give you three poses. You ready?
Kissy face.
Oops, I did it again.
And the Bad Boys. What you gonna do?
I'm out of here, guys. Thank you.
- Congresswoman.
- Mr. Wayne, good to see you.
- Senator, looking great.
- Bruce.
I'm starting with the man in the mirror
Bruce, any advice
for the new commissioner?
Long as he knows how to push the button
for the Bat-Signal, he'll be fine.
Bruce, I don't know how you did it.
You can't prove it, you didn't do it.
Mr. Wayne, so great to see you!
Come and join us!
Mr. Prime Minister.
Did you have some work done?
No way!
Bruce Wayne!
He's the greatest orphan of all time.
Shamon, Shamon
- Nice to see you, Mr. Ambassador.
- Mr. Wayne!
- You want a picture?
- That would be swell!
Here we go. Party face!
Boom. Keep it.
Whoa! Thanks, Mr. Wayne.
Call me Bruce, champ.
I'm just so jazzed to meet you, sir.
I'm sorry, did you say "jazzed"?
Yes! My name's Richard Grayson, but all
the kids at the orphanage call me Dick.
- Well, children can be cruel.
- Yeah.
- Great to see you, Bruce.
- Nice to see you, sir.
- So, I had a question for you, sir.
- Okay, hit me with it.
Do you have any advice
on how to get adopted?
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, you do?
- Mr. Wayne, can I get an autograph?
- Sure.
Um, all right, for example,
is teeth whitener a good idea?
- Yes. There you go, pal.
- Thanks!
- Really?
- Oh, yeah.
- Looking good, Bruce.
- Thank you so much.
How about eyeliner or a foreign language?
- Try both.
- Bueno.
Look, it's the new commissioner!
- Where? Oh, she's with the mayor!
- Okay. Let's see.
Here she is, everyone!
- Oh, my darling!
- Hi, Dad.
Mr. Wayne?
Should I get experimental surgery
to make my eyes larger
and more vulnerable-looking?
Uh, do that.
Uh, Mr. Wayne?
Are you currently in the market
to adopt a child?
- Yeah.
- Really?
- Oh, yeah.
- Wow.
Are you looking for more
of a base model orphan
- or one that has more upgraded features?
- Yep.
Like cooking or driftwood art?
- Gymnastic abilities?
- Yep. Yep.
Close-up street magic la David Blaine?
- All of it sounds great.
- Really?
Because all of it sounds like me.
Mr. Wayne, do you think you'd be
interested in adopting me
as your future orphan son?
Oh, this is great!
Because all I want is to get adopted,
so I can finally stop being
We've gathered here tonight to
mark the retirement of Jim Gordon.
And we wish him well
on his South African jungle safari!
Thank you.
Now, to introduce you
to his exciting new replacement.
Everyone, meet your new commissioner!
Meet Barbara Gordon!
- The new commissioner of Gotham City!
- Whoa!
She was top of her class
at Harvard for Police.
She cleaned up the streets
of Gotham's nearby sister city Bldhaven
using statistics
and compassion.
And now she's bringing her new ideas
and her nunchucks to Gotham City.
Congratulations, darling.
- Thanks, Dad.
- Here she is, everyone!
Thank you! Thanks!
Ms. Gordon, over here!
- Big smile!
- Wow.
Thank you for the oversized key
to Arkham Asylum.
And, uh, what's this?
Thank you for the switch
to the Bat-Signal.
Dad, you've always done a great job
protecting Gotham City.
Flip! That's me.
Thank you. Along with Batman, of course.
Whoo! Let's hear it for Batman!
Who I wish was here right now.
Oh, I'm sure he's listening.
I'd like to ask all of you a question.
Are you fed up with crime?
- Uh-huh. We're all tired of crime.
- Yeah, we're sick of it.
Great. Then let's talk about
real improvements
that will end the cycle of crime.
I've got a four-point pilot program
that I'd love to share with you.
I wanna hear all four points.
- It's called...
- I am ready.
It takes a village...
Best opening to a title ever.
Not a Batman.
- Waiter.
- Sir?
- Can I?
- Of course.
- Thank you.
- My pleasure.
Thanks so much.
- What?
- Look.
Batman's been on the job
for a very, very, very,
very, very, very, very, very long time.
He has aged phenomenally.
However, despite all the great work
Batman has done for us,
Gotham City is still the most
crime-ridden city in the world.
- She's got a great point.
- Interesting.
Historically speaking, that is accurate.
- He hasn't captured Riddler.
- You know, she's right.
He hasn't captured Bane.
- Huh!
- Or Catwoman.
Or Two-Face,
or any of Gotham's other villains!
He's not good at his job.
Including the Joker!
She's making a lot of sense.
Excuse me. I'm so sorry. Excuse me.
We love you, Barbara!
- Yes.
- Hi. Bruce Wayne.
Billionaire, bon vivant,
gallivanter, playboy,
Gotham's most eligible bachelor,
like, 90 years in a row.
- That's me right there.
- I know who you are, Mr. Wayne.
You bet you do. Quick quest,
what is your problem with Batman,
and also, what the heck, dude?
I'm glad you asked, Mr. Wayne.
I'm not a Batman hater.
But we don't need
an unsupervised adult man
karate-chopping poor people
in a Halloween costume.
We need to take
what's good about Batman...
...and marry it to actual laws
and proper ethics
and accountability.
I hate everything you just said.
Because my dream is for the police force
to team up with Batman.
Wouldn't that be better?
And I know that, together,
the world's greatest detective...
...and Gotham's finest
could clean up these crime-ridden streets.
Everybody, get down!
Grand entrance!
Everyone! Make your way
to the exits immediately!
Team Bane, block the exits.
Going somewhere?
Clayface, Freeze, bring me
the new Commissioner Gordon.
- We're on it.
- Cool.
And, Harley, you know what to do.
I sure do.
It's time for Operation
"Take Out the Laundry."
Butler One, this is Bat One. Do you copy?
- Go ahead, Bat One.
- I need my armored face disguise, now!
Only if you say the magic word.
- Now!
- No.
- You're fired.
- No. Sir, we'll talk about this
back at the Batcave.
- Hey, 'Puter.
- Yes?
Initialize masterbuild music.
Right away.
Collateral damage assessment
suggests the Scuttler, sir.
Good plan.
Madam Mayor, stay close to me.
Head for the south exit.
Now, ma'am.
Go! Go! Go!
Honey, let Batman take care of it.
Dad, I got this.
Scuttler online.
Chief O'Hara, we're coming in hot!
I'm almost there.
Chief, get the mayor to safety.
Computer, I've got the Joker in my sights.
Team, I got the Joker in my sights.
Uh, excuse me? I was about to...
Push the Bat-Signal? Good call.
I like your instincts.
I've got a surprise for you guys.
And it's gonna make you smile.
Uh-oh! His smile is our grimace.
Everybody, get down.
- I...
- Joker, no!
Uh, what did you just say?
I said, "I surrender."
Joker, what are you doing?
I'm sorry, my Bat-ears
must be malfunctioning
because it sounds...
I surrender!
Okay, you know what? Cool it.
You're a criminal.
You run, and I catch you.
Not anymore, Batman.
You were right. There is no "us."
So, there's no point
in me trying to fight you anymore.
Therefore, I will be surrendering myself
to our strong-willed and
forward-thinking new commissioner.
Blink, blink, blink.
Blinkety blink, blink, blink!
That's really suspicious.
Yeah, it is. What are you up to, Joker?
I just wanna go to Arkham
and pay for all of my crimes.
Blink, blink, blink.
Blinkety blink, blink, blink!
Are you actually saying "blink"?
No! Blink, blink, blink.
Joker! That's enough.
Okay, Babs. I got this.
Not so fast, Batman.
You can't fight me anymore.
I'm off the market.
What are you talking about?
I'm off the menu.
You won't get to fight
any of this anymore.
Man, am I sorry I asked.
Anyway, have fun in jail and...
Batman, what are you doing?
Punching Bane.
That was unnecessary.
Oh, no, you can't fight Bane
anymore either.
Yeah. Or Riddler.
Or Catwoman. Or Condiment King.
Why not?
Because we're all surrendering.
Right, guys?
We are?
Riddle me this. What just happened?
It's the end of crime!
All right!
- That was amazing!
- Over here, over here!
- You did it!
- Yeah, of course I did. I'm...
Sorry, not you.
We're talking to Commissioner Gordon.
- Well, it was a team effort.
- I got this, Babs.
Commissioner, how do you feel?
Amazing! This is a great first day.
- Question for Batman.
- Shoot.
What are you gonna do
with the rest of your life?
What do you mean, the rest of my life?
We don't need a vigilante crime fighter
now that there's no more crime.
Uh, yes, you do.
You can spend some quality time
with your family.
Okay, Batman. We'll take it from here.
All right, listen up.
All of you have
the right to remain silent.
Let's roll out!
Toodle-oo, Batman!
- Bye, Batman.
- Au revoir, Batman.
Bye, Batman.
Bye, Batman!
Today is a victory
for the citizens of Gotham City!
No more crime!
No more crime! No more crime!
No more crime! No more crime!
No more crime!
No more crime! No more crime!
No more crime!
Is everything okay, sir?
You've barely touched
your lobster thermidor.
I don't have time to eat
lobster thermidor right now!
Warrior two.
Pigeon pose. Tree pose.
Tree pose.
Hey, Batman!
What are you doing?
Nothing. I have a very full life.
No, I mean, what are you doing here?
Surveillance. On the Joker.
Batman, we both know
the Joker's up to something.
Well, then we can't just let him
run around loose in a prison.
He's not loose.
He has to go someplace outside the law.
- Outside the law?
- Yeah.
Somewhere like, uh...
Hi, there. I'm here
from Phantom's Own Laundry.
Here to take that bad stuff
off your hands.
Wait, that's it! The Phantom Zone.
The Phantom Zone? No way!
That is super illegal
and way outside our jurisdiction.
So, why don't you and I work together
inside the law,
to figure out what he's up to?
Batman works alone.
That's my motto. Copyright Batman.
Batman, there are no more vigilantes
allowed in Gotham City.
Okay. Totally got it.
Then I have to go into
double-secret super vigilante mode.
You said that out loud.
I know that she said I said that out loud,
but there's no way I did.
She has no idea what's going on
in my super-mind.
Smoke bomb!
Computer, how do I put the Joker
in the Phantom Zone?
Quickest route, no freeways.
'Puter, do you hear me?
Hello, Master Bruce.
Alfred, there's something wrong
with the Batcomputer. Watch this.
'Puter. Nothing.
'Puter. Do you see what I'm saying?
There's nothing wrong with it, sir.
I have just taken away
your computer privileges.
The parental lock? You can't do that.
Oh, I can. I've been reading
Setting Limits
for Your Out-of-Control Child.
You know what? Doesn't matter, 'cause
I have a double-secret super password
that unlocks the parental lock.
You mean, "Alfred da Butt-ler,"
with two T's?
Sir, it's time for you
to stop this unhealthy behavior.
No, it's not.
You need to take responsibility
for your life.
Not right now, I don't.
And it starts by raising your son.
I'm sorry.
I literally have no idea
what you're talking about.
The young orphan you adopted
at the gala. Remember?
Wow! Stairs. Whee!
He's been living here for the past week.
Hello, table! Boom!
And I must say, I've grown
rather fond of the young lad.
Hello, secret camera.
You should get to know him.
We are family
- You and he have a lot in common.
- En garde.
Hello, family photos.
He lost his parents at a very young age.
I've always wanted one of those.
Doesn't he deserve a chance for someone
to take him under their wing,
as I took you under mine?
Alfred, you've been watching
way too many Lifetime movies
and drinking chardonnay.
- It's Pinot grigio, sir.
- Whatever it is.
Listen, you don't have a family.
You're satisfied serving me.
So what do you know about
having a surrogate son?
Now, I'm gonna go fight crime
while you put that kid on the next jet
to the orphanage. Got it?
As you wish, sir.
Wait, what are you doing?
You can't let him into the Batcave!
I'm not. I'm letting him into your life
via the Batcave.
It's the Batcave!
Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.
Batman! Whoa!
You're darn right, "Whoa."
Wait, does Batman live
in Bruce Wayne's basement?
No. Bruce Wayne lives in Batman's attic.
- We can have sleepovers every night!
- No, we can't.
- Wow! Look, it's the Bat-Sub!
- Wait, don't touch that!
Over there, it's the Bat-Space shuttle.
Please, keep your hands off that.
- Look, it's the Bat-Zeppelin!
- Don't touch that either!
- It's the Bat-Train!
- No!
- It's the Bat-Kayak.
- No!
- It's the Bat-Dune buggy.
- No!
It's the Bat shark repellent?
Uh, actually, you can touch that.
It's completely useless.
Whoa! Thanks, Batman!
Please, stand over there.
And don't touch, look at, or do anything
for the remaining moments
you have in my presence.
Okay, cool.
- Computer.
- Go ahead.
How do I put the Joker
in the Phantom Zone?
Joker can only be put in the Phantom Zone
using the Phantom Zone Projector.
Current location,
Superman's Fortress of Solitude
inside the Atomic Cauldron.
However, only a person that isn't
shredded, ripped, or extremely swoll
can enter the cauldron.
Ugh, I'm way too buff.
You also have beautiful abs, sir.
That's my cross to bear.
Additionally, once inside the cauldron,
multiple Kryptonian
defense systems engage,
including the Acid Moat, Ring of Napalm,
and the Jaws of Death.
Chance of total mission failure is 110%.
Those are not great odds.
Wait a minute.
- Hey, kid.
- Yes, sir?
- You're super nimble, right?
- I sure am!
- And small?
- Very.
- And quiet?
- When I desire to be.
And 110% expendable?
I don't know what that means, but okay.
Great. Follow me.
We are gonna steal
the Phantom Zone Projector from Superman.
- Steal?
- Yeah.
We have to right a wrong.
And, sometimes, in order to right a wrong,
you have to do a wrong-right.
Gandhi said that.
Are we sure Gandhi said that?
- I'm paraphrasing.
- Cool!
Preparing Fortress
of Solitude infiltration gear.
Wow! Look at all these!
Do I get a costume for the mission, too?
I got a feeling that you'll just look
like a kid on Halloween.
Don't you think?
Don't touch that.
- El Mariachi.
- I like that one!
- That one is culturally insensitive.
- Night Terror.
- That one!
- No way.
- This one?
- Death Merchant.
- No.
- I'm okay.
- This one.
- Fire Starter.
- This one.
- Clawed Reigns.
- Excali-Bat.
- This one?
- Silent but Deadly.
- Nope.
How do we feel about this one?
Dress-up parties are for grown-ups only.
Wait. What's that one there?
That one was for the assignment
called The Jamaican Caper.
The locals called me Reggae Man.
I love it!
Ah! Feels like I was poured into this.
My only trouble is,
these pants are just a little tight.
I don't know if I could throw a kick
or jump in them.
I got an idea. Rip! That's better!
Now I'm free, now I'm moving.
Come on, Batman. Let's get grooving!
I can only look you in the eyes right now.
- Sir, what are you doing?
- What do you mean?
Why is Master Dick dressed like that?
How dare you tell me
how to parent my kid I just met?
To the Batmobile!
Vehicle rotisserie engaged.
Retrieving the Speedwagon.
Atomic batteries to power.
Turbines to speed.
Hey, kid. Let's go.
- Oh, shoot!
- What?
I probably shouldn't leave
until I get the thumbs up
from my new old man, Bruce Wayne.
Uh, yeah. Here's the thing.
Bruno and I decided
to share custody of you.
So I get a say
and you're mission approved.
No way! Is this really happening?
A month ago, I had no dads.
Then I had one dad. Now I have two dads!
- And one of them is Batman!
- Yeah.
It's raining dads!
are you ready to follow Batman
and maybe learn a few
life lessons along the way?
I sure am, Dad Two!
But first, where's the seatbelt?
The first lesson is,
life doesn't give you seatbelts!
- Let's go!
- Whoo-hoo!
Faster, Dad! Faster!
- Whoo!
- Yeah!
- Whoo!
- Yeah!
Yes, yes, yes!
Oh! Oh, my goodness. I am so sorry.
Get back up in that seat. There you go.
Hey, listen.
As soon as I get back to the Batcave,
I'll make sure that
Alfred puts seatbelts on there, okay?
But for the time being,
I'm just gonna put my arm right here.
And we're just gonna
gently ease out of here.
And here we go.
Okay. Like all superheroes,
Superman has zero friends,
and he spends most of his time
basking in sweet, sweet isolation,
here at his alone palace.
So, I'll keep him busy
while you sneak into that vent
and get the Projector. Got it?
Copy that! Oh, here's an idea.
I could also...
Whoa, whoa.
Don't even finish that thought.
See this counter?
These are all the good ideas Batman has.
And no one else has ever had
any good ideas. So don't even try.
Your super power... excellent listening
and execution of my ideas.
- Let's try it out.
- Cool!
Drop to the ground. Do a backflip.
Do a front flip. Triple Axel.
Pli. Relev. Jet. Pythagorean theorem.
A squared plus B squared equals C squared.
Physicalize it!
A squared plus B squared
equals C squared.
- How'd I do, Dad?
- Mediocre.
And don't call me "Dad."
Now, begin mission.
Yes, Papa.
"Papa" falls into the "Dad" category.
'Sup, Supes?
Wow. It's Batman.
And he's at my house.
Right now.
What are you doing here?
Don't worry about it, dawg.
I'm not here to throw down or anything.
Uh, no, I would crush you.
Okay. Sure, sure, sure.
Hey, listen. Thank me later,
but I just happened to be in the hood.
And I figured that you could
probably use the...
Wait a minute.
Are you... Are you having
the "57th Annual Justice
League Anniversary Party"
- without me?
- No.
No! No! No!
No! There must have been
some mistake with the email.
That's crazy, man.
Totally! Yes, email mistakes
happen all the time.
Sometimes I don't get
Superman's emails for
Great point, G.L. Great point.
All right.
Well, that clears up everything, right?
Enjoy the party, bro.
Hit it, DJ Wonder Dog.
I'm Superman at the super party
I'm Superman at the super party
Hey, Batman.
Do you wanna take a quick pic?
Sure. Where do you want me?
Right there is perfect.
- Here's the camera.
- Oh.
Okay, party people, get together.
Yeah. Everybody say...
Super Friends!
Let me see it! Let me see!
Classic! We got everyone.
Yeah, everyone.
Thanks, Batman.
Yeah, no problem. I did, like, a burst.
This party is the bomb!
Look at me! More like
Martian Dance Hunter, am I right?
'Puter, call kid.
How's it going?
'Cause everything is
going great down here.
I can see the target.
But there's some kind of laser energy
thing that I can't get through.
Okay. I'll see if I can shut it off.
But I'm gonna have to make up an excuse
to leave this party without anyone noticing.
Kid, tell me when it's off, all right?
- Now?
- No.
- Now?
- No.
- Now?
- Not quite.
- Now?
- No.
- My son...
- No.
These irreplaceable crystals contain all
my knowledge, which I now pass on to...
Darn it. It's gotta be one of these.
Is this the one?
O.M. gosh! You did it, Padre! It's off!
Now you gotta make your way
to the Atomic Cauldron
and get that Phantom Zone Projector.
- Do exactly as I say.
- 10-4!
Okay. Jump!
Do a front flip. Do a backflip.
Run, run, run. Drop.
That's excellent listening.
Strafe-left. Strafe-right.
Hey, I was thinking.
If I'm gonna be a superhero,
and go on awesome superhero missions
like this one, can we use code names?
Mine can be Robin.
- I'm sorry, say that again?
- Robin!
As in the small, Midwestern frail bird?
Yeah, and I already have a catch phrase.
Tweet, tweet, on the street.
- Hard pass.
- And a song.
Fly, Robin, fly
Harder pass. Now slide!
Okay, kid. I'm gonna teach you
how to masterbuild your way
inside that thing.
Grab those 2x6's, pull out the axle studs,
disconnect the 6x10 plates.
Like this?
Whoa! Unbelievable obeying.
Now, let's ride.
Toes to the nose.
Now you're gleaming the cube.
- Yeah!
- Now, get creative.
Freestyle a little bit.
Oh, that's good, kid!
It's like looking in a Bat-mirror.
Okay. Leap.
- I've got the Projector, Dad.
- Booyah!
Now do everything we just did backwards.
Oh! Here you go, Dad. We did it!
Yeah! Mission accomplished. That was fun!
You okay, Batman?
You seem the opposite of stern.
Yeah, I'm fine. It's just
watching you out there,
it was like the world wasn't
all darkness anymore.
For a brief moment
I could have sworn I felt something.
That feeling is pride, sir.
You're right.
I am super proud.
Of myself.
For being such a good teacher, obviously.
Yeah, you're a great teacher.
I am?
Yeah! I wanna be just like you
when I grow up, Padre!
Wait, what did you call me?
I called you Padre.
It's Spanish for "Dad." Sorry.
Well, isn't it also a cool Spanish way
to say "buddy"?
Yeah, I could've been saying it that way.
Then I'll allow it.
Oh, you're such a great padre!
What are you doing?
I'm trying to give you a big old hug.
Thought you were attacking me.
Hey, you up for another
top secret superhero mission
to defeat the Joker?
Oh, I am down to stop that clown.
But I don't wanna make
my other dad, Bruce Wayne, angry.
Do you think we'll be done
before my bedtime?
Batman's life lesson number two.
Vigilantes don't have bedtimes.
So, what's the vigilante policy
on cookies?
All right, kid.
We need to avoid Commissioner Gordon.
So, lesson number three.
When going stealth,
you gotta hide every part of you,
physically and emotionally.
- Got it?
- Yeah!
Already failed.
Now, what I need you to do
is use the naturally dark areas
of your costume,
and integrate into the dark parts
of this environment.
- Can you see me?
- Yes.
- How about now?
- Yes.
- What about now? Now?
- Yes.
Yes. You're a goner, kid.
- Batman?
- Barbara!
Batman? Batman!
Hey, there. Look at you.
- Who's this?
- Hi, police lady.
- Is that your son?
- Yes, I am.
Is that my son... No, that's just weird.
It's weirder if it's not your son.
Right. No, I don't...
I'm not in a relationship or anything.
I could have a kid.
I mean, if I met the right lady,
and if she was just standing
right in front of me,
and we looked at each other and thought,
"Hey, let's do this."
"Let's be together."
- Batman?
- Yes?
I hope you're back because you've decided
to work together
on the Joker case.
Yeah. Absolutely!
Ooh. Arkham Asylum.
- So, before we question the Joker...
- Uh-huh.
...I'm gonna need you to hand
over all your weapons.
I mean, I don't know if I have anything...
I just got a couple here. There.
- Is that it?
- Yeah.
Oh. Of course.
What about the utility belt?
Anything in your cape?
Under your cowl?
And your shoes.
There we go.
Uh... This is really uncomfortable.
Sorry. My shoes are part of my pants.
- Batman?
- Yes?
Why is your "not son"
trying to smuggle
the Phantom Zone Projector into Arkham?
What? Hey, kid. What is this?
Batman, give me
the Phantom Zone Projector.
- No.
- Batman!
Give me the Phantom Zone Projector!
Give it to me!
No, no, no! Whoa! Nice.
I studied Brazilian jiu-jitsu
at Harvard for Police.
Oh, yeah? Well, guess who got
a PhD in smoke bombs!
Dr. Batman.
Guards! Get them!
Freeze, Batman!
Hey, kid. This is a training exercise.
These guys are my bros.
- Go ahead and take a couple of them out.
- Cool!
- Hey, Frank.
- You want a piece of Robin?
- Barney! Nice compound fracture!
- How'd you like a punch, Glen?
Code Red!
I need total security lockdown, now!
'Sup, Joker?
Namaste, Batman.
- Namaste.
- Gross.
Ooh. Briefs man. Me, too.
Cut the baloney.
Kid, guard the door, will ya?
On it! Take that, Alan!
Huh. Looks like you're going to
a lot of trouble for little old me.
I must be your greatest enemy after all.
Right, Batman?
- I see what you're trying to do.
- And what is that?
You're trying to entrap me
into a relationship.
- Really?
- Yeah, and it's not gonna work.
Oh, yes, it is.
Because I'm inside your head.
- No, you're not!
- No, you're not!
I knew you'd say that.
- No, you didn't!
- No, you didn't!
And I knew you'd say that!
See? We aren't so different, I and you.
- It's, "you and I!"
- It's, "you and I!"
- Argh!
- Admit it. I'm your greatest enemy.
You're not my greatest enemy, Joker.
Okay, then send me to the Phantom Zone.
Fine, I will.
And prove I'm your greatest enemy.
Batman, don't do this.
As long as you're in the Phantom Zone,
I'll be saving Gotham City,
and that's all that matters to me.
Goodbye, Joker.
Oh, Batman, thank you!
Yes! That's what I call
saving the city again!
Batman, what are you doing?
I'm Batman-ing.
I'm Batman, I'm awesome
I got a nine-pack
Stop it!
Batman, I can't believe you did this.
Hi, police lady.
And even worse,
you've made this kid
into an accessory to your crime.
Sorry, kid.
That's okay, ma'am.
As long as I'm doing a dime
in the big house with my old man,
everything's gonna be A-okay.
Officers, take this Projector
to the evidence room.
- You got it.
- And get this man some pants.
I'm good the way I am.
B Go, why has nobody fist bumped me yet?
You know, when I was a kid,
I wanted to be you, Batman.
I wanted to be as strong
and as fast and as smart as Batman.
But you're not who I thought you were.
Uh... What do you mean?
You can't be a hero
if you only care about yourself.
Barbara, I...
I think you're underestimating
the importance of the Joker
being in the Phantom Zone.
Really, it's kind of a stroke
of genius. All the...
Hey, where are you going?
I just put Joker in the one place
he can't do anyone any harm.
But what if you just gave Joker
exactly what he wanted?
Look at this place! Am I being too loud?
- Hi!
- Oh, my gosh!
Sorry. I always do that.
How about a warning next time?
You're so right, and I am so wrong.
Welcome to the Phantom Zone, bad guy.
Yeah, bad guy.
- My name is Phyllis.
- Oh, that was my grandma's name.
Now hold still while I scan you.
Scanning for badness.
Trying to assess whether you are bad.
Ugh! Your whole thing screams "bad guy."
Oh, yeah. I'm a really bad person.
But with vulnerabilities.
Who, me? No way.
So, where do you keep
all the other bad people in this place?
They're standing right behind you.
Hi there, guys.
Lovely to meet you all. I'm the...
Oh, fist bump? There we... Handshake?
It doesn't matter. I'm the Joker.
Take a look at the new guy.
Guess they'll just let anybody in here.
Oh, no, no, no. I'm very bad, too.
They just showed a video montage...
- Boring!
- What?
- You're boring.
- He looks delicious.
Let's eat this guy.
Stop with the violence for just a second!
What if I told you
I could get you outta here?
I'm sorry, what'd you just say?
That's right. I'm so bad, I got myself
thrown into this heck-hole on purpose!
I'm listening.
Count me interested.
Look, everyone here knows
what it's like to be hurt
by a hero, don't they?
We've all been taken for granted, right?
- Yeah, bro.
- I'm relating.
Well, that's why I came
to this space prison.
To recruit the universe's greatest...
- We'll do it!
- I'm sorry?
You were going to say something about
recruiting the universe's greatest villains
to conquer a superhero.
- Am I right?
- Uh, yeah.
- Well, we're in!
- Yay!
Really? Because I brought a PowerPoint...
Still boring!
Yeah. Just get on with it.
You want us to humiliate him?
I certainly do. Yes.
You want us to make him
grovel at your feet?
I would like to see that very much!
You want us to smite him?
Well, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You want us to make
the rivers of Gotham City
run red with his blood?
Oh, that's...
Oh, no blood? How do you feel about lava?
Yes! Lava.
- Done.
- Yay!
- I can't wait to crush buildings.
- Excuse me. Hello?
Over here. I don't want to be a downer,
but how exactly are we going
to get outta this place?
Oh, leave that to me.
Don't wanna jinx us,
but I'll be a lot happier when
this Phantom Zone Projector
is locked up tight.
Going up, ma'am?
No. You're going down!
Look out! Smash!
I guess you're right. I am going up. Ding!
Here comes the...
Phantom Zone!
I'm gonna go start looting.
Hello, Gotham City!
The Clown Prince of Crime
is back!
Commissioner Gordon,
you gotta take a look at this.
What's that?
A monkey and dog are friends.
Not that. That!
And I've come
to finally take over the city.
But in order to do that,
I need to break my friends
out of a giant, scary prison.
- Hey, guys, he means us!
- Yay!
And I ain't talking about
those rogue losers dressed in cosplay!
- Oh!
- Me-ouch.
I'm talking about my new peeps!
And they're just like me.
The greatest villains you'll ever see.
You wanna meet them?
- No.
- Too bad.
He's evil, he's magic,
and it's about to get tragic.
It's Voldemort.
You are a fish.
You are a frog.
You are a fish frog.
He's a 9,000-year-old incarnation of evil,
with an eye forjewelry.
Give it up for Sauron!
Good afternoon, Gotham City.
He likes long, violent walks
on historic buildings.
It's King Kong!
Come at me, Gotham!
Commissioner Gordon, these monsters,
they're too powerful.
Can you contain them to downtown?
That's gonna be impossible.
Half the police force are fish!
Sergeant Jackson! Stop floppin' around!
And rounding out the evil all-stars,
Wicked Witch!
And British robots!
Ask your nerd friends.
Hello? Bad guys?
What a crew, huh?
And they all work for me!
Who's the greatest villain
of them all now, Batman?
Still not you.
Actually, this does look
pretty terrifying, Bat-Dad.
Nice destruction all around.
Watch your step!
Good work, guys!
Now, all that's left for me
is to rub it in Batman's bat face.
Hey, Sauron, doesn't your flaming eye
have a unique ability
to peer through time and space?
- Uh-huh.
- Well, I need to find Batman.
Where's homeboy's man cave?
Hmm. Give me a second.
Scary noise.
It's beneath Wayne Manor!
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on a sec.
Are you trying to tell me
that Bruce Wayne is Batman...
...'s roommate?
Uh... Yeah.
Evil army, this way to the Batcave!
Good grief!
Hey, Batman!
Joker's home.
I'm rubbing my butt all over your stuff.
We're going to have to rename this
the Butt-mobile.
Hey, evil army.
I need Batman brought here.
Now go get him!
Joker out!
Do you ever get scared?
Yeah, that's what I figured,
'cause you're Batman.
Hey, kid. You know who does get scared?
Bruce Wayne.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Bruno told me once
that sometimes the only way
to get out of a down moment
is to start boxing.
And by "boxing," he meant
Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na...
Feel it, uh-huh
Dick Grayson on the mic, go
Oh. Um...
Oh, my gosh.
This does make me feel better.
Okay. Shh. Batman solo.
Bat, bat, bat, can I get a bat?
Can I get a bat? Bat...
The Bat-Fax!
Ha! The city needs me. Bang, bang, bang!
Excuse me.
Can you get the commissioner
and show her this?
- Batman.
- Would you stop doing that?
I sent the Bat-Fax.
I hate to say this, but you're right.
The city needs you.
Yes! Let me out.
I'm only going to let you out
on one condition.
- Name it.
- You can't do it by yourself.
Fine. Who am I working with?
SEAL Team Six? Fox Force Five?
Suicide Squad?
No. Me.
Oh, I wanna help, too!
- And I shall join as well.
- Whoa!
Alfred Pennyworth at your service, ma'am.
- How did you...
- Alfred, you gotta let me out of here.
Sir, those creatures out there
are unlike anything we've ever seen.
Speak for yourself.
You don't know everything I've seen.
I haven't told you everything.
And you'll never be able
to defeat them alone.
And it'll be more fun
if we all do it together!
What's the worst thing that could happen?
What are you so afraid of?
The thing I'm most afraid of?
I gotta be honest with you.
It's snake clowns.
Yeah, that's not a thing.
Well then, nothing.
- I'm not afraid of anything.
- Okay.
Prove it.
- Oh, I will.
- Good.
Do you know what the B-A- in Batman stands for?
- Not really.
- Best At Teamwork.
Best At Teamwork Man is my full name.
Yay! We're going on a family trip.
This is not a family trip.
I can wear my costume, too.
Well, luckily for us,
you left your costume back at the...
- Rip!
- Oh!
Nope. Under your clothes. That's perfect.
- Rip!
- Alfred, what are you doing?
I miss the '60s.
Hey, can Scarecrow help?
- Yeah!
- He's destroying our city, too!
Permit us to lend you assistance.
Yeah. Why don't we use these guys?
What am I gonna do?
Get a bunch of criminals together
to fight the criminals?
That's a stupid idea.
Okay, guys. Game plan.
Joker's taken the Projector
- to Wayne Manor.
- Wayne Manor.
Right. Thanks, Batman.
- We need that Projector.
- Projector.
Or there's no way
- to blast these monsters...
- Monsters.
- ...back to the Phantom Zone.
- Phantom Zone? Yep.
Batman, I really don't
need you to finish my...
- Sand castles.
- No.
- Sister's homework.
- No.
- Succulent something.
- No.
Um... Everybody?
Batman is in Arkham Asylum.
Get him!
Okay, everyone, grab on to me.
We've gotta take cover!
- Joker has eyes on us.
- Where?
No! I mean,
he literally has a giant eye on us.
I think that thing can see our every move!
We've got to destroy it,
or we'll never make it to Wayne Manor.
Uh... Bat-Dad?
I really think you should see this.
Building survey!
This building's not up to code!
Is that real lava?
I'm okay.
All right, yeah. It's 100% lava.
- Everyone, start throwing me bricks.
- Right away, sir.
- I need a 4x6. Come on, quick.
- Here you go.
- I need an elbow.
- Elbow.
Yes! I did it. Pretty cool, huh?
- Batman?
- Yeah?
Why did you build this thing
with only one seat?
'Cause last I checked,
I only had one butt. What the...
What have you done to Wayne Manor?
Hey, Batman, guess what!
I found out one of your secrets.
- Uh-oh.
- What do we have here, Batman?
It looks like a bunch
of relationship comedies.
- What's that one?
- Must Love Dogs.
Must love crying.
- Marley & Me.
- I love the ending.
Oh! Serendipity?
We have Serendipity? I love that movie!
For a loner, Batman,
you sure like movies about relationships!
Oh! And look what else I found!
All your wonderful toys.
Accio lightning storm!
Uh... Everyone, hold on.
Gremlins, dismantle that plane now!
Ugly monsters on our three.
- Uh... Padre?
- Not now, kid.
Kind of got my hands full.
I've got good tone. Firing.
- Uh... Batman?
- What's up, buddy?
- Are we nearly at Wayne Manor?
- Why?
Uh... Your number two
needs to go number one.
I thought I told you
to go back at the prison.
- I tried, but Bane was in there.
- So?
He had sort of a "get out
of this bathroom now" vibe.
I knew I shouldn't
have given you that water.
Can you hold it in like a big boy?
Engine one down.
Not a big deal.
Don't worry about it. It's fine.
- Engine two down.
- It does that sometimes.
We've lost engine three.
Oh. Could live without it.
Engine four!
That I do need to fix.
Good news. Our bathroom problem is solved.
You three wait here
while I go fix the engine.
Don't worry, Batman.
You fix the Batwing, I'll fly.
All good, Babs.
I've got my autopilot on it.
Autopilot? That's just a rope!
Exactly. All right, guys.
Until I get back, rope's in charge.
Thanks, rope.
All right, let's see.
Yes, the piston brake out here.
Jet engine brake in here and...
Get out of here. No.
Give me... No! Stop it!
Come on, Master Dick. We need to help him.
I'm with you, Grandpa!
Get off my Padre!
Unhand him, you animatronic fiends.
What are you two doing here?
I told you to stay in the cockpit.
You disobeyed me. You're on a timeout.
Batman, you're on a timeout.
What? Alfred, you better
un-timeout me right now!
No. Not until you un-timeout Master Dick.
Guys, you're all un-timeouted!
We have incoming!
- Sir! Watch out for those...
- What are you doing?
Okay. Everybody, timeout off.
Whoo-hoo! I've been parented.
- Batman, I can help you.
- No. Protect the rope.
The rope is fine!
Save Master Dick!
I'm fine. I'll just do
one of my gymnastics moves to...
Hold on, Alfred. I'm almost there!
Move over, rope.
Hold on!
Barbara, did you see that?
Batrope saved Alfred.
Sick moves, rope.
I never doubted you, bro.
Actually, sir, Ms. Gordon saved him.
Rope! You lied to me!
Wait a minute. You mean, without you,
Alfred would have been
street meat?
Batman, trust us.
We can do this.
- Yeah. I know Gymkata.
- Sorry, what's that?
It's a gymnastics-based martial art.
I can punch those '80s monsters
off the plane.
Uh... Okay.
Multiple bogeys on our six.
Sir, I'll get them off our back.
I was a tail gunner
for the Royal Air Force.
Locked and loaded, sir!
Good. Love that!
I got an idea. We're gonna change course.
I want you to fly straight
into that flaming eyeball.
- What?
- Barbara, trust me.
All right. Let's do this.
We got a giant sea monster, 12 o'clock!
Got it.
- We've got his attention.
- He's tracking us.
I've got you now.
Eat dirt!
Bob's your uncle, you ruddy duff cobblers!
Okay, Babs, this is it.
Fly us straight into that eye,
and wait for my signal.
Can it come now?
Can we make the signal thing happen?
Almost there.
Almost there!
- Fire!
- Almost there!
That fire's coming in hot!
Hot, hot, hot!
Now! Barbara, dive bomb!
My eye!
Nothing to see.
- Yes! That was so rad!
- We did it, everyone!
That was so great! Go team!
Come on, let's hear it for us!
That was incredible!
I felt so jazzed!
I say "jazzed"!
I gotta give it to you, Batman.
That was awesome.
- Ha! And you were awesome.
- Thanks.
- And you were awesome.
- I love compliments!
And you were awesome, and I was amazing.
I'm not trying to make it
about myself, obviously.
But I just wanna make sure
that everyone gets a pat on the back.
- Because it feels good.
- It does feel good.
You had a good idea, you had a good idea,
and you had a good idea,
and I had a great idea.
You know what, I think that collectively,
I'm gonna add...
- No way!
- Yes!
Man, that feels good.
Best team ever!
Let's take a photo!
All right, everyone, squeeze together.
Hang on a second.
- Nice and close!
- I gotta get my pump on.
- It's worth it.
- Okay, everybody in?
These abs are no fluke.
Everyone say, "Bat Family!"
Bat Family!
Ooh, let's take a look!
Look at that!
- Splendid.
- Wow.
Didn't it turn out great?
Hey, guys! It's my first family photo!
- Hey, Bat-Dad.
- Oh!
Whoa. What are you doing?
I'm trying to give you a big, old H-U-G.
Okay, just...
Batman, are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
We are just one big happy
fraternity of people
who did an awesome job together.
I can't think of any other way
to put that.
- Cool.
- So, guys, listen up!
Taking the Projector from the Joker
is gonna be our most
dangerous mission yet.
- A family battle mission!
- Right.
Salvage what you can out of the Scuttler,
and maybe root around,
see if you can find a few Vitamin waters
or something, and then we'll head out.
- Right away, sir.
- Anything for you, Padre.
I think I'll need snowshoes.
Yeah, I don't think you'll need snowshoes,
but could you grab that flashlight?
- Batman?
- Padre?
What are you doing? Hey, Batman.
Please, wait!
Yes, sir?
I'm locking in some coordinates now.
Take the Scuttler to the taco stand
on the border of Gotham City
and Bldhaven.
I want you to get these guys
a couple of chimichangas
- and three Jarritos.
- Sir!
And then keep them there until this
whole attack on Gotham City blows over.
Padre, please. Don't do this!
Batman, you need us!
How many times I gotta tell you?
Batman works alone.
No, we have to stick together.
Now go on, Scuttler. Go!
- Go! Just get outta here.
- Batman.
- Padre!
- Get moving!
Just go.
Batman! Please, wait!
Scuttler, move out!
You're doing the wrong thing!
- Listen to me! Don't do this!
- Sir, please. Sir!
Scanning for intruders.
Scanning for intruders.
Scanning for intruders.
Hi, Bats.
What have you done to my...
Bruce Wayne's house?
You'd better hope he's a cool guy
and doesn't go crazy.
What happened to all your friends?
I don't need friends.
I don't need anyone to stop you.
Are you sure about that?
Look in the mirror, Batman.
When I saw you working
with your friend-family,
I actually thought you'd changed.
But, no.
You pushed them away.
You've run away from every other person
in your life.
But I'm the one you're always chasing.
Is this about that stupid
"greatest enemy" thing?
No, it's not.
Not anymore.
- You tell him, Joker!
- It's time for a fresh start.
He's not worth it.
I think after 78 years, I deserve respect!
That is right. Respect!
Do you realize that you have never once
said the words,
"I hate you, Joker"?
Not once.
Well, I am starting to feel
pretty annoyed with you right now.
That's for darn sure.
Annoyed is not the same thing!
Listen, Batman.
hate you.
- Aww!
- That's nice.
Now you say it.
Me, too.
You won't. You won't change.
'Cause you can't.
You won't, and you can't.
Batman will never change.
You know what, boo-boo? Just shut it down.
These diseased lunatics are right.
Yes, we are!
I am not gonna be part
of a one-sided relationship any longer!
- Yes!
- What are you talking about?
- You and I are done!
- What is wrong with you?
I'm moving on!
That's ridiculous.
And on my way out,
I'm gonna blow up Gotham City!
No. You're not serious.
Wingardium Leviosa!
You know what?
For once, Batman, you're right.
I'm not your greatest enemy.
Your greatest enemy
is you.
- Goodbye, Batman.
- Wait a minute. Hold on a second.
Good for you, boo-boo!
- Yay!
- Everybody, get a bomb. Let's go.
- Bomb, bomb, bomb. Let's bomb it out.
- Yay!
Say goodbye, Gotham City!
- Whoa.
- Hi!
Oh, I am so sorry.
It was all my fault, I keep doing that.
Welcome to the Phantom Zone, bad guy.
What are you talking about?
I'm not a bad guy.
But you're all in black. You have a cape.
And you wear a big, scary mask.
Well, I'm not.
And you kicked me in the face.
Listen, I'm Batman.
Oof! You even sound like a bad guy.
I swear, I am a good guy.
Okay, Mr. Batman.
Hold still while I scan you.
Scanning for badness.
Yes, sir?
- You're super nimble, right?
- I sure am!
And 110% expendable?
I don't know what that means, but okay.
- How'd I do, Dad?
- Mediocre.
- Yes!
- And don't call me Dad.
Alfred, put that kid
on the next jet to the orphanage.
But doesn't he deserve a chance
for someone to take him under their wing,
as I took you under mine?
Listen, you don't have a family.
So what do you know about
having a surrogate son?
We have to stick together.
Joker, you mean nothing to me.
No one does.
Huh. You're not a traditional bad guy.
But you're not exactly a good guy, either.
- Batman?
- Padre?
You even abandoned your friends.
Go on, Scuttler. Go.
- Batman, no. No!
- Don't do this!
Abandoned? No.
No, I was trying to protect them.
By pushing them away?
Well, yeah.
Are they really
the ones you're protecting?
Computer, Batman's in danger.
Please, Computer, take us back!
Do you really want the man
who made you to come to harm?
Batman programmed me to obey him.
But he didn't say to not not rescue him.
What are they doing?
Come on, guys. Let's hustle.
Gotham City's not gonna blow itself up.
Well, hello!
'Puter, go to super-secret stealth mode.
- Hold on!
- No!
Evil buddies, those are my last three
painful reminders of Batman.
Come on, Alfred. This way.
Wait, where's Dick?
The little guy? He's over there.
Initializing Batcave operating system.
What's he doing?
I've gotta save my family!
Just think.
- What would Batman do?
- What?
I know. Not listen to anyone else.
Be mean to people.
Destroy as much property as possible.
Talk in a really low, gravelly voice.
And go it alone.
Kid, don't do that.
Atomic batteries to power.
Turbines to speed.
Don't do what I would do!
I never even taught you how to drive!
Hold on a second, Brick Lady.
I'm so sorry.
I need to get down there and stop this.
I can't let you go.
My boss will be really mad at me.
Yeah. But I bet your boss would be happy
if you were able to get
all those bad guys back in here.
Hmm. She sure would.
Then let me try.
Let me get down there and help them.
But haven't you tried that before?
This way, Alfred.
You do the same thing over and over.
What's gonna change?
I know what I need to do.
Just give me 24 hours, and I'll come back.
You've gotta let me go
down there and save them.
I'll do whatever you want.
- Please.
- Exterminate!
Okay, but I need all the bad guys
locked up in here.
I promise.
And I mean all of them.
One of these buttons
has to save my friends.
Self-destruct mode activated.
Self what?
- Master Dick!
- No!
Look who's bat!
Everyone okay? Dick, Alfred, Barbara.
- Are you guys...
- We're fine, Batman.
Listen, I just wanted to say
that I'm really,
really, really,
really, really, really,
really, really...
Yeah. Whoo! I did it!
I don't even know why
you bothered coming back.
I was
The reason I came back
was the same reason I left you.
I was afraid
of feeling
the pain you feel
when you lose
someone close to you.
Gotham needs us.
So I came back to do this.
Flip? What is that? I don't...
You gotta turn around.
I call it the Babs-Signal.
And I'm flipping the switch for you.
Because saving this city
is too big a job for one person.
Flip, flip.
So, what do you say, Commish?
Will you work with me?
I need your help.
I thought you'd never ask.
I'm very, very proud of you, sir.
But there's still only four of us
against Joker's entire army.
That's why I called in some backup.
Flip! Flip! Flip! Flip!
- Whoa!
- We saw your signal,
and we came to help.
Joker may be done with us,
but we're not done with him.
We will be the Joker's reckoning.
Joker said mean stuff to us.
You were right, Barbara.
It takes a village. Not a Batman.
Okay. Everybody, listen up.
These monsters want to destroy
Gotham City.
That's right. We need sick new vehicles.
An arsenal of advanced weaponry.
Costumes that suit
our individual personalities.
And code names
to use on our walkie-talkies.
Call it out!
Your name is Lady Bat.
- Lady Bat?
- Bat Lady.
- Veto! Nope. What?
- El Batarina. Soccer Mom... Bat?
How about a cool costume?
That one's called Batgirl.
If you call me Batgirl,
can I call you Batboy?
And lastly, a coordinated attack strategy,
and a kick-butt theme song!
My superhero code name.
Oh, yeah. Hit it!
Got it!
Absolutely not.
This music is filling me with rage.
Let's use it!
All right, team. I'm going to need to
know your special powers.
I'm a giant clay person!
- I'm irritating.
- I have a sack for a face.
I make unpredictable decisions.
I raise the stakes!
I can squirt ketchup!
Nice! Orca.
I'm a whale!
Oh, we got this covered!
Go team!
Whale, yeah!
Shh. Quiet.
Who's laying down those funky beats?
- We are!
- Meow, meow!
Evil army, get rid of them!
Team Gotham Family,
Voldy's got this.
Here we go!
Smash! Smash! Smash!
- Whoa.
- Batman, take out Joker's bomb.
I'll get that Projector!
10-4, Co-Go.
Freeze, Clayface, take this guy out!
Coming through!
Okay, Alfred, bring the pain.
Bringing it, sir. For Queen and country!
You just got Union Jacked!
Robin, get ready.
I'm about to teach you
some father-and-son stuff.
First, driving.
- Put your hands at 10 and 2.
- Okay.
Now, fly! Turn left!
Run over these skeletons.
Now drive up the wall!
- Great driving.
- Thanks, Padre.
Okay, Robin.
Together, we're gonna
punch these guys so hard,
words describing the impact
are gonna spontaneously materialize
out of thin air.
Yes! Yes! Yes!
High five!
Stop moving around, you Muggles.
All right, team, let's shut him down.
Orca! You're up, baby!
You wanna see a magic trick?
I'm gonna make you disappear.
- Wingardium Levio...
- Me-yoink!
Wingardium Levio... Shut up!
Welcome to the Phantom Zone, bad guy!
Whoo! Here we go, Bat Team!
Batman, think fast!
Welcome to the Phantom Zone, bad guy!
Robin, go long.
- Nice grab.
- Yeah!
Oh, my gosh. Yes!
Here you go, Grandpa.
Hey, Batman!
Get off my padre!
It wasn't useless after all.
End this, Batgirl!
Adis, shark.
Okay, BRB, guys.
I'm gonna go defuse that...
This is the end of Gotham City!
As I predicted, we're doomed!
We're not doomed. I got this.
Everyone, grab on to me.
Come on, guys.
We need to hold this city together.
Batrope, no!
Everybody, run!
No! We have to stick together.
Right, Batman?
We need to use our heads!
Maybe we should build something together.
- Heads.
- Stick together.
- Build something.
- Together.
- Build.
- Together. Together.
We should build something together.
I got it.
You're right, Babs.
We need to stick together.
Robin, quick. Give me a boost.
On it, Padre.
We're gonna stick together,
using our heads,
and the most powerful weapon of all.
Shredded abs. Let's do this.
- Meow, meow.
- Yeah, let's do this.
- Ready?
- Here we go.
You got this, Alfred?
Yes, sir. Abs of steel.
Great! Now you bend,
and I'll grab the other side!
- Batman, what's going on?
- Are you okay?
I've got you.
Please, help us!
No! I'm not gonna help you.
At least if this city is destroyed,
I'll die knowing
I'm your greatest enemy!
I'm gonna have to die to know it.
Shut up, Joker! If there's no Gotham,
then I'll never get to fight you again.
You're the reason why I get up
at 4:00 in the afternoon
and pump iron
until my chest is positively sick.
You're the reason I've given up
a life spent with Russian ballerinas
and lady activewear models.
And if it wasn't for you,
I never would have learned how connected
I am with all these people.
And you.
So if you help me save Gotham,
you'll help me save us.
You just said "us."
Yeah. Batman and the Joker.
What do you say?
You had me at shut up.
How are your abs, bro?
Too much flab, not enough ab. Why?
Because I need you to crunch them.
Citizens of Gotham,
we need all of you to join us
and help bring this city back together.
I'm just gonna come right out and say it.
I hate you, Joker.
- I hate you, too.
- I hate you more.
I hate you the most.
I hate you forever.
We did it, everyone!
Bane is feeling warm and fuzzy.
where are you going?
I made a promise.
I gotta go back to the Phantom Zone.
Sorry, kid.
Padre, please.
Don't call me Padre.
Call me...
My two dads are the same dad.
But they're both leaving.
It's gonna be okay, kid.
Sometimes, losing people is part of life.
But that doesn't mean
you stop letting them in.
Some very wise people taught me that.
My father figure.
My platonic coworker buddy,
who's a girl, but just a friend.
And you.
Mi hijo.
It's Spanish
for "son."
This is my family,
but it's your family, too.
Do you have a knife?
'Cause someone needs to cut the tension
between the two of us immediately.
Okay. I deserved that.
- Hi.
- Wait a minute.
What's going on?
I came back, just like I said I would.
You know, Mr. Batman,
when you're a talking brick,
working at the Phantom Zone,
you see a lot of crazy things.
But I've finally seen a man,
in order to make the world a better place,
take a look at himself and make a change.
- Superman.
- What?
I'm kidding. It's you.
Well, I guess I'll be seeing you
on the streets, Batman.
I guess so. Catch you later, Joker.
Let's go, gang.
Wait a minute,
we're not just gonna
let these criminals go, right?
Ah, come on, Commish. Let's face it.
Those guys are no match
for the four of us.
We'll give them a 30-minute head start.
Besides, you can't fight crime
on an empty stomach.
Hey, Computer?
We're home!
What is the password?
Iron Man sucks!
When Dad and me were fighting,
I was giving them my best one-liners.
complete me.
Holy family photo, Batman. I love it!
All important movies end
with a white screen.
And tying up loose ends.
We're coming for you, Gotham City!
Like this snake clowns bit.
- Snake clowns?
- Told you they were real.
Did you stick wigs onto snakes?
- Maybe.
- That is so weird.
Can I play that song
I wrote for the end credits?
- That is a hard pass.
- Come on.
Let the kid play whatever music he wants.
- No, no, no!
- Please?
- No.
- Padre?
Fine. 'Puter.
Okay, sir.
Now playing Robin's happy, poppy music.
The kind that makes
parents and studio executives happy.
Come on, everyone!
- Come on, Batman!
- No!
Wow, that was fun!
Really hope nobody was recording that.
Let me see. Oh, this thing is on.
This thing is recording.